#I’ve never cut myself at work
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Cut myself at work today rip :/
#was making a wrap#and went to cut it#but I think my hand placement was off#so cut my thumb as well#I’ve never cut myself at work#so I didn’t know what to do#but went to a supervisor told him#and just cleaned it off in the toilets and put a plaster on it#then wore gloves for the rest of my shift#I also had a meeting today#sadly it wasn’t a review#and it was an induction#pretty useless#but since I had time to kill I talked to my manger about increasing my contract#and she said she will let the manger who sorts that out know#and that I just have to msg her about it as well#luckily I have to msg her anyway about asking for some time off#which I feel really bad about#but it’s kind of important#worst thing she could say is piss off in a nicer way 😭😭#but I’ve asked for not next week but week after friday/saturday off#so feel guilty but i need to stop feeling guilty#gatherrambles
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Alright lacemaking sonic the hedgehog fans let’s make some noise
#id in alt#oh my god this was so stupid I love being alive. hours and hours and hours of work#COMPLETELY bungled the ending. Godspeed. but seeing as I’ve never made my own bobbin lace pattern I’m gonna cut myself a little slack there#anyways ridiculous side project done now to. other ridiculous side projects. it’s a bit of an MO really#loooord my mediocre 2D art skills come back to haunt me once more#bobbin lace#fiber arts#lacemaking#sonic#sth#sonic the hedgehog#my work#trypophobia
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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heol
#unrelated its ltr not even what i linked but chasing time - azealia.. Dontttt omg ts is so facking good who made that beat!!!!!!!!!!#ANW. if breakaway is minhui then this is yijun. mayb the single ver more than true romance ver actually.. it js sounds more raw#i rly wanna talk abt why he hates jaehee#bc i’ve yapped abt minhui and talked abt DY/JY sort-of parallels in replies somewhere i found it the other day#and ik the ‘he doesn’t fit’ is what's been written (in pieces + that yt rundown i think) but likee it goes deeper than that#im gnna struggle to put it into words properly but im talking to myself so i can not make sense as much as i want thanks#ok. so he goes on and on abt how jaehee ruined BS bec he ‘didn’t fit’ into the four that they were without him but. he’s lowk projecting#he joined JG in 2016 - jiyeol mai hyeonmin and KOHEN were all there before him. jy’s in ‘08 mi + kh in 2010 + hm 2011#they chucked their whole childhoods away for jg - and in reward they were meant to be jg’s first boygroup#they ltr would’ve debuted in 2013 if it wasn’t for hyojoo being like hey! this is kinda weird lol! a 17 yo two 15 yos + a 13 yo is weird!#yj was late as HELLLL 2the party. he wouldve been left as a trainee while JY MI KH HM debuted as 9ANTHER if it wasnt 4 The Kohen Mai Thing#aka they started messing around in like 2014 while jy pretended he wasnt abt to crash out and hm had to listen to jy trying not2 crash out#then it got real bad like august 2016 and all of a sudden they HATEDD eo they couldnt even b in the same room#(aka. kh wanted him mi wanted jy and said Lollll i hate u die)#all in all: kh kicked off debut team. spot opens up for yijun right as he enters the company. he’s not cut out for ts at all#he was lonely back home and now he’s lonely here and now apparently he’s in a debut team with 3 guys who know eo and he wants to die#hyeonmin like smiles at him like ONCE during practice and he latches on fastttt this leech 😭😭😭 tries to worm his way in via hm#spoiler! it only half works theres sand under his skin he hates it all he’s not meant for them he needs a gun#it gets better over the years and jy + mi sorting their shit out & cutting off kh completely makes yj feel wayy more secure#and then they debut even if it is after yoonhae’s literal death. and then jaehee comes in like Hiii i like to act and colour ^_^#HE WNATS TO DIEE ITS HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! cant even bear to look at him#like the walls are UP he’s not letting himself become kohen. and when jh tries to get close to min - ltr exactly like he did.......#ITS NEVER BEEN MORE BONSOVERRRR#so there. he’s mean and hates him and wants him dead for that. Yayyyy#kh has def said some nasttyyyyy shit to yj too ijbol like mind you he didnt leave jg until jy did! THIS YEAR!#the song. is abt himself. him to him in the mirror. to kohen. to jaehee. he’s mad at shit that’s never happened and he’s never gonna stop#the ‘why did you fall for me’ though.. that’s him to min like#he feels like he’s conned him into it - bec the first couple months he only rly was around him to try and get into the inner circle#and then he fell in Lol. Gay#‘you’re not there / you’re just an echo’ is def towards hm after 2020 when him and mai left too ouhhhhh throws up
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wow I love my little weights class!! everyone is so friendly and nice and they all joke around with each other the whole time. I still feel some worry about exercising hard in pregnancy (like is he ok in there???) but all the research/guidance seems to indicate it’s totally fine and only positive. I def would’ve been too nervous to go hard in the first trimester but now it does feel like he’s a little more firmly planted yknow.
#I think I’ve decided to just not worry about my weight#I’m up AGAIN today (+12 lbs in 14 weeks) but like literally what else could I do#I’m working out a bunch and eating healthy meals#I could probably cut out the flavored greek yogurt cups since they have added sugar#and I have been periodically giving myself little treats like a fancy coffeeshop drink or a cookie once a week#but like also I don’t want to live a life where I deny myself periodic little treats so#🤷♀️#I keep telling myself it’s all my extra blood sloshing around in there lol#12 lbs of extra blood#weight mention#pregnancy tag#also I kinda bummed myself out thinking oh I’ll never be able#to do a workout class again once he’s here bc nobody#to take the baby#but then I was like wait daycare is open 6am to 6pm#so I could either drop off early and go in before work#or pick up a bit later and go on my way home from work#so that’ll be fine! the real challenge will be $$ lol
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this is the worst fucking trip of my life. i spent a week in russia having a massive panic attack every fucking day and THIS is the worst trip of my life
#ive literally never experienced such rude people im gonna snap so fucking bad soon#it’s EVERY DAY if it was a one off it’d be at least a bit better but it’s EVERY TIME I GO ANYWHERE WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME!!!!!!! oh my god#i am so sorry central maybe it’s not you. well it was you but your shitass contagion has spread around the world#I’ve had like six people cut in lines ahead of me people walk so close they push me into walls i just stop dead now it’s the only thing tha#works some guy walked through my arm and WHACKED his arm on my water bottle in my bag and it HURT him i could hear it it’s the highlight of#this entire fucking trip#i have been hit in a cathedral nearly stood on multiple times kids running into me people trying to walk through me ive just lugged my case#onto a bus where these two old cunts with like cabin bag sized cases managed to move to take up SIX SEATS as i got on the bus with my big#case so i had to stand. then nobody would let me off the bus with my big fucking case so hopefully i broke some toes. and THEN in my three#minute walk to this airbnb i am supposed to just get off the planet apparently and also walk in the road because god forbid other people#develop an ounce of brain matter and not walk four abreast on the pavement im fucking over it. fuck off and die you can see me im 5’9#also the bus people im not done with those fucking bus people like they were in the four seats and one of them went to a two seat but the#one on the four stayed on the edge with his case so i couldn’t get past and there were no other case-friendly seats#like it was fucking intentional what level of fuckhead do you have to be to stop someone sitting on a bus absolutely wank#google translate I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF the next time something happens and i will do it for real#dl
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Ah fuck it’s 2 am and I saw myself in the bathroom mirror and now I’m having gender thoughts
#earlier this week I thought about cutting my hair off in a Joan of arc way#but just now I thought about cutting my hair off in a Butch way#which is so not at all a feeling I’ve EVER had before like two weeks ago#so it’s a little scary because it’s new and absolutely foreign#I have always been g i r l#i love being a femme#but this is like the 3rd time I’ve seen myself in the mirror with my hair in a way that could kind of be mistaken for a masculine cut#and the pang it gave me was… confusing#like am i nonbinary?#I don’t think so#I’ve never felt any discomfort with being called she or a girl or a woman#and I have always LOVED hyperfeminine expression#but in a very performative way#I love getting hyper femme for an event because it feels like a costume#I love it in the same way I felt absolutely exhilarated dressing up for the ren faire#and the way I feel wearing my historical clothes at work#so I could probably absolutely experiment with more masculine expression to see how it feels#but it’s the hair#I can’t cut it because of work first of all#like I’m literally on call as a Victorian teenager basically at all times#but also if I cut it and decide it’s not for me…. it will take years to grow back to its current length#idk
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ignore everything i said back in late may/early june. i was hypomanic and, consequently, unreasonably angry for most of that time. 👍👍👍
#or at least both myself and my therapist hypothesize that i was#this is about all those times i claimed that i could no longer be a fan of a very specific celebrity#i’m not gonna say i agree with everything she did at that time bc i don’t#but also who am i to judge i’ve literally never been in that situation before???#anyways i was cutting ties left and right with people for no fucking reason back then so um…#i wasn’t exactly stable#i was just itching to be insanely mean to people and i said some shit that i very much regret!!!#saying that i hated/could no longer support said celebrity is definitely not the thing i regret the most…#i mean i literally blocked my aunt and uncle and refused to speak to them for the stupidest reason imagineable#the reason? they sold their house#do/did i have any emotional attachment to that house? nope. they literally only lived there for like two years.#and i’d only been over there like six times during that time???#so yeah… that’s definitely my biggest regret (esp since i’m still working on mending those relationships)#but like publicly denouncing said celebrity when i actually still really like them is definitely on the list of regrets from that time#like i feel like a flip-flopper but IN MY DEFENSE i was really fucking angry for no reason back then!!
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Not to sound transgender but I wish I had a dick
#weird weird spot lately bc like my body is inherently feminine#and dressing masculine and being on hrt like helps I guess but it feels pointless cuz it’s still not actually what I really want#which is to have been born a boy#like even if I could get really good surgery that’s not what I want I want to have been born and raised as a boy#and it just feels like disappointing bc now everyone sees me as a boy (good)#except I don’t. I look at myself in the mirror and I know what that really is.#it’s a very perplexing attitude to have towards myself bc I fully respect other trans people and see them as the gender they present as#like I never see someone who I clock as trans and go YEAH BUT I KNOW THEY REALLY DONT HAVE THOSE GENITALS#I just go oh cool there’s a person and we are cut from the same cloth and I love you for being one of my brethren#but I think. I will just be jealous of cis men forever. the end#I’ve been trying to be like my transness is beautiful and mystical and I walk on both sides and all that#and like it usually works being trans is cool but I just really wish I had a penis
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forgot to make the traumatizing announcement that i kind of got stabbed yesterday
#prepare for oversharing#but yeah i accidentally did it to myself at work🧍♀️#i was cutting carpet and broke the golden rule of never cutting towards yourself#and the next thing i knew i had half a blade sticking out of the side of my knee#and it is actually kind of traumatizing because it does look a stab wound from a murder victim#idk what i was expecting but it wasn’t that 😭#also i didn't get stitches in time (didn't know there was a time limit honestly) so now im stuck with a hole in my leg until further notice#but this did force me to finally get my tetanus booster that i’ve been putting off since last july👩🦯#so yeah anyway now i can officially confirm that i never want to experience or feel that ever again
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.
#here is a non-exhaustive list of things i did/that happened today:#woke up at 4:30 a.m. because apparently noodle likes it when im sleep deprived#was fucking slammed with work all day#i locked noodle into the bathroom twice and another time in the pantry#not on purpose he just like to follow me everywhere and sometimes i don’t realize#found out the bottom corner of my fridge door is really fucking sharp#by slicing the top of my damn foot on it after opening it#ouch#had to go buy bandaids bc i’m not a real adult yet and didn’t have any#then taped a towel to that corner as a temporary anti-foot slicing solution lol#realized after picking up noodle earlier that he’s getting real heavy already and that i probably won’t be able to pick him up much longer#… then cried about that lol#i’ve only had small dogs before this has never happened to me and I WAS NOT READY YET OK 😅#almost cut myself again while chopping a sweet potato#i always forget how hard they are#and texted my mom about 4 times to ask cooking questions bc again…clearly not a real adult lol#and it’s only 6 pm… room for more! 😂
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my friends and roommates confidence in my ability to roll with a bad haircut is astounding
#i mean they’re kind of right….. like i always seem to make it work….. nothing can stop me from giving myself bad haircuts when i’m not#afraid to just shave my head if it goes terribly…… like literally what’s the worst that could happen???? there isn’t a worst case scenario#here. i’m trying to hype myself up to cut my hair in a way i’ve never done before can u tell#reymbles
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I want to cut my hair so baaaaaad
But it looks so cuuuuuute
But I unfortunately read online that bacteria clings easily to hair and I have germaphobia so if I leave my house or enter a bathroom that isn’t my own personal bathroom and I want to tear it out by the roots or grab some scissors and just start chopping
So I go to book my haircut and I’m caught between “my hair looks cute long and the loss of baby fat really makes me eyes pop” and “hey this is a sneaky way to try out a boy-ish haircut or the Ramona Flowers” because I got bangs a few months ago and didn’t realize just how much it would limit SHORT hairstyles .-.
#i was only thinking about long hair when I got bangs cut#rant#i have no qualms of cutting my hair I’ve given hairdressers bigger heart attacks seeing how much I cut off without hesitation#it grows back#but short hair makes my head look spherical#unless I have long bangs#like a little shorter in back and I would’ve had the Leon Kennedy cut for like 2 years of high school#also sucks I can’t dye my hair rn#too dark for any dye but black (which my hair decided it absolutely HATES)#cant bleach cause I’m too broke and I don’t trust myself to do it myself#like short hair would also make wigs easier which I also really enjoy#i think I’ll book it#i trust my hairdresser#she’s never steered me wrong#and all she cuts is hair only ladies over 70+ so when I’d walk in as a teen with a sketch she’d be elated figuring out how to make it work#maybe I could try a jellyfish cut to meet in the middle?
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✨affectionate ask✨ hullo, my new friend!! I remember we met through my review post and I'm very glad we did. I know we haven't really had any conversations yet (which can always change, ofc) but I'm still grateful we've become mutuals and in my gut, i feel like you're a kindly soul and I'm always open to yap! esp if you want a buddy to yap to about the legend of zelda, the Magnus archives, and gokurakugai 💕💕💕💕💕
me when liking the post that says i should like it to receive an ask actually receives me an ask: :o
not but seriously i should’ve seen this coming hshshsh
anyhow, i totally agree!! i’ve not been doing much writing for reasons, so i’ve not dared show my face around the community(s) much the last few months, but i shall make my glorious return (and hopefully soon too) /silly
likewise, i’ve also not done much reading, digitally or physically for that matter, which i also need to catch up on (there’s a lot of books with bookmarks in lying around here, it’s not funny anymore)
but yeah, all that yapping aside, i really hope i can interact with people more again when i’ve recovered my emotional energy!! ngl i have been feeling a little lonely on here for some time now, like my blog’s in a different orbit, but i’m hoping to launch myself into other’s trajectory again!! all that to say, i’d love to talk more, about whatever really :]
and my view on you hasn’t changed either, so i’m also happy we’ve become moots!! i think you’re cool and have your fandom-heart in the right place, meaning understanding the importance of and encouraging engagement with people and creators of a fandom, which is a situation i’ve been giving much thought myself in general too (obviously i think your normal heart is in the right place too haha idek if this is a metaphor that works in english but we’ll roll with it)
also, the magnus archives… it’s less of a fixation by now and more of an obsession, really. i’ve gone against my very nature and restrained myself from looking at fanart and searching for merch bc i want to keep myself spoiler-free so i can spam my friends, who are further in than me, with my theories and be very smug when i catch on to sth
me about to go off on a tangent in the gc:
anywayyyyy, to conclude my rambling, thanks so much for the ask!! as i said, I’d love to talk more about whatever, i promise i normally know how to talk, just not right now apparently lol<3
and to everyone else here… i might reenter the kitchen soon to cook; do you like your fics sunny-side up or scrambled? too bad, i only ever make them scrambled. so i hope you look forward to the same irregular, incoherent posting schedule that i’ve been serving since the beginning :]
#┊✩彡 divine correspondence ♡#┊✩彡 cherished guests ♡#┊✩彡 letter from — cort ♡#you sly dog you had me monologueing#if i sound like someone starved for human interaction i can assure you it’s bc i very much am /j#i never thought i’d be a horror girly bc i haven’t done well with horror movies in the past#and yet here i am#hoovering up this podcast like it’s nobody’s business#and i saw the cover for gokurakugai and it was like it’s specifically made to cater to me#like a redhead guy and the most gorgeous woman you know wearing the kind of glasses that makes me like every character it’s quite a combo#anyway i’m cutting myself off now#i wanted to write but instead i’ve been yapping the entire time#entering my villain era but only the part where i monologue#i’ll regret posting this tomorrow but oh well#i’ve had like… not much sleep this week#so this is what we’re working with
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~ ~ ~
#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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EI rejected my claim and doesn’t say why, and I’m panicked and furious. This could mean I receive no EI support at all this month, and not only do I have rent to pay which takes almost two EI payments alone, I now have school costs as well.
I feel like the world is falling apart around me just as I started to move forward for the first time in eight years.
#this is probably the most. unsafe i guess. i’ve felt in months#i genuinely don’t know if i can handle all the things happening#losing our home. having to find a new place. my monthly rent at least doubling. the cost and stress of going back to school.#having to cut my hours once i’m back at work so i CAN go to school#no having any clue where my family is going to end up living#knowing that everyone in my family will be losing money after selling the house because we will all be renting#but it’s the only option because my mom doesn’t have enough money to survive on and the house half belongs to her#so she needs that money now#but if we could hold on to the house for even just three more years we would be in a much better spot financially bc#1. my dad wouldn’t be losing 2000+ dollars a month on rent 2. i wouldn’t be spending an additional 600 or more on rent than i already am#3. because they’re developing the area around our house the value of the house will increase significantly#but it’s just not a fucking option#because sixteen years ago i forgot my fucking lunch and a bus decided to total my mom’s car and leave her permanently disabled#and i thought i got over blaming myself years ago because i REALIZE how fucking stupid it sounds#i was a fucking child i had no idea me forgetting my fucking lunch would mean my mom got hit by a bus#but it did#i forgot my lunch and a bus hit my mom and she had to leave the career she loved#and because she wasn’t working she was crossing the street two years later and got run over by a FUCKING car#and because she got run over by a car she was told that not only would she not return to work in the next five years she would likely never#work again. and she would also live with pain so bad they would put her on medications so heavy she became a different person#a violent person who i was scared of and who she herself didn’t understand and didn’t like and who in her own words#would have killed herself if she didn’t need to take care of me.#and because she was now an unemployed and struggling TBI survivor she was in the back of a car coming back from the CtCB awards#for TBI survivours when the car she was in was hit AGAIN and she needed to be cut out of the back seat.#the universe sure has a sick sense of humour#and because of the physical and emotional and financial strain on the family my dad became more stressed and angry and took it out on my mom#and eventually (thankfully for their own health) they got divorced#but now we’re here. losing the house. all because of the most disgusting butterfly effect i’ve ever encountered personally.#and it was my fault#anyway. i’m not going to do anything stupid i know that won’t help anyone. but i still don’t exactly want to be alive rn.
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