#I’ve never cut myself at work
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Cut myself at work today rip :/
#was making a wrap#and went to cut it#but I think my hand placement was off#so cut my thumb as well#I’ve never cut myself at work#so I didn’t know what to do#but went to a supervisor told him#and just cleaned it off in the toilets and put a plaster on it#then wore gloves for the rest of my shift#I also had a meeting today#sadly it wasn’t a review#and it was an induction#pretty useless#but since I had time to kill I talked to my manger about increasing my contract#and she said she will let the manger who sorts that out know#and that I just have to msg her about it as well#luckily I have to msg her anyway about asking for some time off#which I feel really bad about#but it’s kind of important#worst thing she could say is piss off in a nicer way 😭😭#but I’ve asked for not next week but week after friday/saturday off#so feel guilty but i need to stop feeling guilty#gatherrambles
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i haven’t planked in months and i was worried that i would fall over within seconds so i used the lazytown theme song of all things to time myself. i planked for over a minute straight! maybe not much but i’m proud of it since my personal best is like 2 minutes. then i did 5 pushups and 10 sit-ups [my old daily routine] and was just as pleasantly surprised to see it wasn’t that bad! call me autistic but the lazytown binging is working on me. this is for you, sportacus 🫡
#a few months ago i was working out relatively excessively and had SO much energy and just generally felt great#like. i had never been happier with my energy levels and physical state. a super light and manageable routine was all it took#i wanna get back to that and stop using “school 4 days and work the other 3” as an excuse not to do these simple things#which improve my life SO much#and i’ve been going on 3 mile walks on campus too. thank god for the wonderful walking track around the pond#my poor asthmatic lungs need this 😭#gear diary#oh god and not to mention cutting back on the sugar. like… i ate a bag of raw vegetables for breakfast one day?#and recently had a pear and an apple for dinner one night?? returning to my roots of eating like a fucking rabbit in a greenhouse#AND i’ve resisted the urge to eat the usual processed sugary snacks lately. WHICH IS A HUGE DEAL FOR ME#i’m just so proud of myself yall and i need to brag#TO BE CLEAR i’m not becoming a carb counting health nut here i still eat the same exact stuff with the exception of less sugar#and i don’t intend to ever change that. i love food and flavor too much lawl! i’m just trying to also absorb nutrients and stay active 🫶
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heol
#⠀ᶻᶻ⠀turn it up!⠀#unrelated its ltr not even what i linked but chasing time - azealia.. Dontttt omg ts is so facking good who made that beat!!!!!!!!!!#ANW. if breakaway is minhui then this is yijun. mayb the single ver more than true romance ver actually.. it js sounds more raw#i rly wanna talk abt why he hates jaehee#bc i’ve yapped abt minhui and talked abt DY/JY sort-of parallels in replies somewhere i found it the other day#and ik the ‘he doesn’t fit’ is what's been written (in pieces + that yt rundown i think) but likee it goes deeper than that#im gnna struggle to put it into words properly but im talking to myself so i can not make sense as much as i want thanks#ok. so he goes on and on abt how jaehee ruined BS bec he ‘didn’t fit’ into the four that they were without him but. he’s lowk projecting#he joined JG in 2016 - jiyeol mai hyeonmin and KOHEN were all there before him. jy’s in ‘08 mi + kh in 2010 + hm 2011#they chucked their whole childhoods away for jg - and in reward they were meant to be jg’s first boygroup#they ltr would’ve debuted in 2013 if it wasn’t for hyojoo being like hey! this is kinda weird lol! a 17 yo two 15 yos + a 13 yo is weird!#yj was late as HELLLL 2the party. he wouldve been left as a trainee while JY MI KH HM debuted as 9ANTHER if it wasnt 4 The Kohen Mai Thing#aka they started messing around in like 2014 while jy pretended he wasnt abt to crash out and hm had to listen to jy trying not2 crash out#then it got real bad like august 2016 and all of a sudden they HATEDD eo they couldnt even b in the same room#(aka. kh wanted him mi wanted jy and said Lollll i hate u die)#all in all: kh kicked off debut team. spot opens up for yijun right as he enters the company. he’s not cut out for ts at all#he was lonely back home and now he’s lonely here and now apparently he’s in a debut team with 3 guys who know eo and he wants to die#hyeonmin like smiles at him like ONCE during practice and he latches on fastttt this leech 😭😭😭 tries to worm his way in via hm#spoiler! it only half works theres sand under his skin he hates it all he’s not meant for them he needs a gun#it gets better over the years and jy + mi sorting their shit out & cutting off kh completely makes yj feel wayy more secure#and then they debut even if it is after yoonhae’s literal death. and then jaehee comes in like Hiii i like to act and colour ^_^#HE WNATS TO DIEE ITS HIM ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!! cant even bear to look at him#like the walls are UP he’s not letting himself become kohen. and when jh tries to get close to min - ltr exactly like he did.......#ITS NEVER BEEN MORE BONSOVERRRR#so there. he’s mean and hates him and wants him dead for that. Yayyyy#kh has def said some nasttyyyyy shit to yj too ijbol like mind you he didnt leave jg until jy did! THIS YEAR!#the song. is abt himself. him to him in the mirror. to kohen. to jaehee. he’s mad at shit that’s never happened and he’s never gonna stop#the ‘why did you fall for me’ though.. that’s him to min like#he feels like he’s conned him into it - bec the first couple months he only rly was around him to try and get into the inner circle#and then he fell in Lol. Gay
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wow I love my little weights class!! everyone is so friendly and nice and they all joke around with each other the whole time. I still feel some worry about exercising hard in pregnancy (like is he ok in there???) but all the research/guidance seems to indicate it’s totally fine and only positive. I def would’ve been too nervous to go hard in the first trimester but now it does feel like he’s a little more firmly planted yknow.
#I think I’ve decided to just not worry about my weight#I’m up AGAIN today (+12 lbs in 14 weeks) but like literally what else could I do#I’m working out a bunch and eating healthy meals#I could probably cut out the flavored greek yogurt cups since they have added sugar#and I have been periodically giving myself little treats like a fancy coffeeshop drink or a cookie once a week#but like also I don’t want to live a life where I deny myself periodic little treats so#🤷♀️#I keep telling myself it’s all my extra blood sloshing around in there lol#12 lbs of extra blood#weight mention#pregnancy tag#also I kinda bummed myself out thinking oh I’ll never be able#to do a workout class again once he’s here bc nobody#to take the baby#but then I was like wait daycare is open 6am to 6pm#so I could either drop off early and go in before work#or pick up a bit later and go on my way home from work#so that’ll be fine! the real challenge will be $$ lol
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Ah fuck it’s 2 am and I saw myself in the bathroom mirror and now I’m having gender thoughts
#earlier this week I thought about cutting my hair off in a Joan of arc way#but just now I thought about cutting my hair off in a Butch way#which is so not at all a feeling I’ve EVER had before like two weeks ago#so it’s a little scary because it’s new and absolutely foreign#I have always been g i r l#i love being a femme#but this is like the 3rd time I’ve seen myself in the mirror with my hair in a way that could kind of be mistaken for a masculine cut#and the pang it gave me was… confusing#like am i nonbinary?#I don’t think so#I’ve never felt any discomfort with being called she or a girl or a woman#and I have always LOVED hyperfeminine expression#but in a very performative way#I love getting hyper femme for an event because it feels like a costume#I love it in the same way I felt absolutely exhilarated dressing up for the ren faire#and the way I feel wearing my historical clothes at work#so I could probably absolutely experiment with more masculine expression to see how it feels#but it’s the hair#I can’t cut it because of work first of all#like I’m literally on call as a Victorian teenager basically at all times#but also if I cut it and decide it’s not for me…. it will take years to grow back to its current length#idk
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ignore everything i said back in late may/early june. i was hypomanic and, consequently, unreasonably angry for most of that time. 👍👍👍
#or at least both myself and my therapist hypothesize that i was#this is about all those times i claimed that i could no longer be a fan of a very specific celebrity#i’m not gonna say i agree with everything she did at that time bc i don’t#but also who am i to judge i’ve literally never been in that situation before???#anyways i was cutting ties left and right with people for no fucking reason back then so um…#i wasn’t exactly stable#i was just itching to be insanely mean to people and i said some shit that i very much regret!!!#saying that i hated/could no longer support said celebrity is definitely not the thing i regret the most…#i mean i literally blocked my aunt and uncle and refused to speak to them for the stupidest reason imagineable#the reason? they sold their house#do/did i have any emotional attachment to that house? nope. they literally only lived there for like two years.#and i’d only been over there like six times during that time???#so yeah… that’s definitely my biggest regret (esp since i’m still working on mending those relationships)#but like publicly denouncing said celebrity when i actually still really like them is definitely on the list of regrets from that time#like i feel like a flip-flopper but IN MY DEFENSE i was really fucking angry for no reason back then!!
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Not to sound transgender but I wish I had a dick
#weird weird spot lately bc like my body is inherently feminine#and dressing masculine and being on hrt like helps I guess but it feels pointless cuz it’s still not actually what I really want#which is to have been born a boy#like even if I could get really good surgery that’s not what I want I want to have been born and raised as a boy#and it just feels like disappointing bc now everyone sees me as a boy (good)#except I don’t. I look at myself in the mirror and I know what that really is.#it’s a very perplexing attitude to have towards myself bc I fully respect other trans people and see them as the gender they present as#like I never see someone who I clock as trans and go YEAH BUT I KNOW THEY REALLY DONT HAVE THOSE GENITALS#I just go oh cool there’s a person and we are cut from the same cloth and I love you for being one of my brethren#but I think. I will just be jealous of cis men forever. the end#I’ve been trying to be like my transness is beautiful and mystical and I walk on both sides and all that#and like it usually works being trans is cool but I just really wish I had a penis
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forgot to make the traumatizing announcement that i kind of got stabbed yesterday
#prepare for oversharing#but yeah i accidentally did it to myself at work🧍♀️#i was cutting carpet and broke the golden rule of never cutting towards yourself#and the next thing i knew i had half a blade sticking out of the side of my knee#and it is actually kind of traumatizing because it does look a stab wound from a murder victim#idk what i was expecting but it wasn’t that 😭#also i didn't get stitches in time (didn't know there was a time limit honestly) so now im stuck with a hole in my leg until further notice#but this did force me to finally get my tetanus booster that i’ve been putting off since last july👩🦯#so yeah anyway now i can officially confirm that i never want to experience or feel that ever again
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#here is a non-exhaustive list of things i did/that happened today:#woke up at 4:30 a.m. because apparently noodle likes it when im sleep deprived#was fucking slammed with work all day#i locked noodle into the bathroom twice and another time in the pantry#not on purpose he just like to follow me everywhere and sometimes i don’t realize#found out the bottom corner of my fridge door is really fucking sharp#by slicing the top of my damn foot on it after opening it#ouch#had to go buy bandaids bc i’m not a real adult yet and didn’t have any#then taped a towel to that corner as a temporary anti-foot slicing solution lol#realized after picking up noodle earlier that he’s getting real heavy already and that i probably won’t be able to pick him up much longer#… then cried about that lol#i’ve only had small dogs before this has never happened to me and I WAS NOT READY YET OK 😅#almost cut myself again while chopping a sweet potato#i always forget how hard they are#and texted my mom about 4 times to ask cooking questions bc again…clearly not a real adult lol#and it’s only 6 pm… room for more! 😂
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my friends and roommates confidence in my ability to roll with a bad haircut is astounding
#i mean they’re kind of right….. like i always seem to make it work….. nothing can stop me from giving myself bad haircuts when i’m not#afraid to just shave my head if it goes terribly…… like literally what’s the worst that could happen???? there isn’t a worst case scenario#here. i’m trying to hype myself up to cut my hair in a way i’ve never done before can u tell#reymbles
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I HATE THIS JOB
#i was angry earlier but now i’m just tired#someone called out so i’m working a double AGAIN. i want to go home. want to cry#i don’t know why i keep getting my hopes up that i’ll go home on time at this point just put me on all day all week#i hate this job so much i stayed up until four in the morning#later than that idk#just had a cookie yesterday no water forgot to take my vitamins yesterday and today#it’s my fault i feel like shit so whatever#also keep getting the urge to chop off my hair like a genuine urge to grab scissors and cut it all off which i’ve never had before#i’ve THOUGHT about it but never had to convince myself not to grab the scissors#not a good urge more like a crying frustrated urge#okay whatever. WHATEVER. it’s cool whatever.
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I want to cut my hair so baaaaaad
But it looks so cuuuuuute
But I unfortunately read online that bacteria clings easily to hair and I have germaphobia so if I leave my house or enter a bathroom that isn’t my own personal bathroom and I want to tear it out by the roots or grab some scissors and just start chopping
So I go to book my haircut and I’m caught between “my hair looks cute long and the loss of baby fat really makes me eyes pop” and “hey this is a sneaky way to try out a boy-ish haircut or the Ramona Flowers” because I got bangs a few months ago and didn’t realize just how much it would limit SHORT hairstyles .-.
#i was only thinking about long hair when I got bangs cut#rant#i have no qualms of cutting my hair I’ve given hairdressers bigger heart attacks seeing how much I cut off without hesitation#it grows back#but short hair makes my head look spherical#unless I have long bangs#like a little shorter in back and I would’ve had the Leon Kennedy cut for like 2 years of high school#also sucks I can’t dye my hair rn#too dark for any dye but black (which my hair decided it absolutely HATES)#cant bleach cause I’m too broke and I don’t trust myself to do it myself#like short hair would also make wigs easier which I also really enjoy#i think I’ll book it#i trust my hairdresser#she’s never steered me wrong#and all she cuts is hair only ladies over 70+ so when I’d walk in as a teen with a sketch she’d be elated figuring out how to make it work#maybe I could try a jellyfish cut to meet in the middle?
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✨affectionate ask✨ hullo, my new friend!! I remember we met through my review post and I'm very glad we did. I know we haven't really had any conversations yet (which can always change, ofc) but I'm still grateful we've become mutuals and in my gut, i feel like you're a kindly soul and I'm always open to yap! esp if you want a buddy to yap to about the legend of zelda, the Magnus archives, and gokurakugai 💕💕💕💕💕
me when liking the post that says i should like it to receive an ask actually receives me an ask: :o
not but seriously i should’ve seen this coming hshshsh
anyhow, i totally agree!! i’ve not been doing much writing for reasons, so i’ve not dared show my face around the community(s) much the last few months, but i shall make my glorious return (and hopefully soon too) /silly
likewise, i’ve also not done much reading, digitally or physically for that matter, which i also need to catch up on (there’s a lot of books with bookmarks in lying around here, it’s not funny anymore)
but yeah, all that yapping aside, i really hope i can interact with people more again when i’ve recovered my emotional energy!! ngl i have been feeling a little lonely on here for some time now, like my blog’s in a different orbit, but i’m hoping to launch myself into other’s trajectory again!! all that to say, i’d love to talk more, about whatever really :]
and my view on you hasn’t changed either, so i’m also happy we’ve become moots!! i think you’re cool and have your fandom-heart in the right place, meaning understanding the importance of and encouraging engagement with people and creators of a fandom, which is a situation i’ve been giving much thought myself in general too (obviously i think your normal heart is in the right place too haha idek if this is a metaphor that works in english but we’ll roll with it)
also, the magnus archives… it’s less of a fixation by now and more of an obsession, really. i’ve gone against my very nature and restrained myself from looking at fanart and searching for merch bc i want to keep myself spoiler-free so i can spam my friends, who are further in than me, with my theories and be very smug when i catch on to sth
me about to go off on a tangent in the gc:
anywayyyyy, to conclude my rambling, thanks so much for the ask!! as i said, I’d love to talk more about whatever, i promise i normally know how to talk, just not right now apparently lol<3
and to everyone else here… i might reenter the kitchen soon to cook; do you like your fics sunny-side up or scrambled? too bad, i only ever make them scrambled. so i hope you look forward to the same irregular, incoherent posting schedule that i’ve been serving since the beginning :]
#┊✩彡 divine correspondence ♡#┊✩彡 cherished guests ♡#┊✩彡 letter from — cort ♡#you sly dog you had me monologueing#if i sound like someone starved for human interaction i can assure you it’s bc i very much am /j#i never thought i’d be a horror girly bc i haven’t done well with horror movies in the past#and yet here i am#hoovering up this podcast like it’s nobody’s business#and i saw the cover for gokurakugai and it was like it’s specifically made to cater to me#like a redhead guy and the most gorgeous woman you know wearing the kind of glasses that makes me like every character it’s quite a combo#anyway i’m cutting myself off now#i wanted to write but instead i’ve been yapping the entire time#entering my villain era but only the part where i monologue#i’ll regret posting this tomorrow but oh well#i’ve had like… not much sleep this week#so this is what we’re working with
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~ ~ ~
#I think I’m lonely in a way I can’t fully describe#I have a partner and friends and family but still often feel alone even when I’m with them#I don’t feel close to anyone at times and I don’t know if it’s outside circumstances or just me#like with my partner being asexual we don’t really do certain activities that I’d like to partake in more often and I can’t hold it against#them for how they do/don’t feel but at the same time I’m craving a physical connection I can’t have and am struggling#doesn’t help that I think about sex all the time nowadays and would really like to be having it and experiencing/exploring certain things#it’s not always easy to take care of oneself that way and still also try to console the ace partner apologizing for who they are#and yeah hall passes are great but only if you have someone to use it on and I’ve never had anyone want to be with me sexually#moving on to bestie I don’t feel my same love and affection being reciprocated and that sucks because I really do anything I can for him#and am like that with pretty much all of mt friends where if they need me for something I’ll be there#but a lot of the time it seems like he really only wants to talk/hang out with me if he’s at work and I can come visit with him#any time I invite him to do something with me outside of work he flakes and so it’s not even worth inviting him anymore#and yeah there’s rare times where he’ll call me a bunch in one day but it’s always just to tell me some gossip from work#not that gossip isn’t fun but still don’t you want to jus talk to me? I always want to just talk to you even if it’s about nothing at all#I’m always the one putting myself out there for him and being there for him when he calls me but I almost never get that same response back#and it’s like I know he has a family so I know he can’t always drop everything for me nor would I ever expect that but just some matching of#my energy would be nice you know? but then I feel guilty/selfish because I feel like I shouldn’t ask that of him when he does have a life#away from work. and I mean I guess I do too but it’s different because partner and I don’t have kids and don’t do much aside from sit around#together or have tea or other things most often done at home. and I don’t live with partner full time yet so I also still have other freedom#outside of just being with them. and other responsibilities I take care of but not on the same level as a wife and kids I guess#idk now I just feel like I’m whining but tbh all this stuff is weighing on me and just making me feel really shitty#I don’t know how to fix these issues without sounding like a selfish bitch and I’m obviously not going to cut anyone off but I don’t really#see any other solutions forming either. so it’s like I guess I’ll just keep my mouth shut and keep feeling bad until the end of time since#that’s the easiest thing to do and then no one else is hurt or upset aside from me#I just feel like I’m destined to float through life never getting back what I need from my relationships but still giving everything because#I don’t know any other way to be. I don’t know how to set boundaries even for myself so I’ll just keep giving and giving until I’m dead#and yeah I guess I am still a lot happier than I used to be and I appreciate the people in my life#just sometimes feels like they don’t really appreciate me back is all#so now I have to lay here next to partner and have all this shit running in my mind and try to get over it on my own#reasonably I should just go to bed but the loneliness is gnawing at me and idk what to do to make it go away
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EI rejected my claim and doesn’t say why, and I’m panicked and furious. This could mean I receive no EI support at all this month, and not only do I have rent to pay which takes almost two EI payments alone, I now have school costs as well.
I feel like the world is falling apart around me just as I started to move forward for the first time in eight years.
#this is probably the most. unsafe i guess. i’ve felt in months#i genuinely don’t know if i can handle all the things happening#losing our home. having to find a new place. my monthly rent at least doubling. the cost and stress of going back to school.#having to cut my hours once i’m back at work so i CAN go to school#no having any clue where my family is going to end up living#knowing that everyone in my family will be losing money after selling the house because we will all be renting#but it’s the only option because my mom doesn’t have enough money to survive on and the house half belongs to her#so she needs that money now#but if we could hold on to the house for even just three more years we would be in a much better spot financially bc#1. my dad wouldn’t be losing 2000+ dollars a month on rent 2. i wouldn’t be spending an additional 600 or more on rent than i already am#3. because they’re developing the area around our house the value of the house will increase significantly#but it’s just not a fucking option#because sixteen years ago i forgot my fucking lunch and a bus decided to total my mom’s car and leave her permanently disabled#and i thought i got over blaming myself years ago because i REALIZE how fucking stupid it sounds#i was a fucking child i had no idea me forgetting my fucking lunch would mean my mom got hit by a bus#but it did#i forgot my lunch and a bus hit my mom and she had to leave the career she loved#and because she wasn’t working she was crossing the street two years later and got run over by a FUCKING car#and because she got run over by a car she was told that not only would she not return to work in the next five years she would likely never#work again. and she would also live with pain so bad they would put her on medications so heavy she became a different person#a violent person who i was scared of and who she herself didn’t understand and didn’t like and who in her own words#would have killed herself if she didn’t need to take care of me.#and because she was now an unemployed and struggling TBI survivor she was in the back of a car coming back from the CtCB awards#for TBI survivours when the car she was in was hit AGAIN and she needed to be cut out of the back seat.#the universe sure has a sick sense of humour#and because of the physical and emotional and financial strain on the family my dad became more stressed and angry and took it out on my mom#and eventually (thankfully for their own health) they got divorced#but now we’re here. losing the house. all because of the most disgusting butterfly effect i’ve ever encountered personally.#and it was my fault#anyway. i’m not going to do anything stupid i know that won’t help anyone. but i still don’t exactly want to be alive rn.
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i’ve always been bad about getting photos of myself but i’ve been making a real effort to document my recovery from top surgery, no rhyme or reason to when i take photos it’s just kind of when i remember, but i was just looking back at everything and the way i glowed up so hard in so many ways in the span of a few months is kind of impressive
#what escaping abuse getting surgery moving to a better apartment eating better and starting a new job that pays well does to a man#me now vs me in november are like not the same person#i did intentionally cut my hair a little shorter than i like it right before surgery for hygene reasons but i’ve grown my hair out#to a style and length that really suits me and i get complements on my hair a lot#which NEVER used to happen#i grew my little gayboy mustache and my skin cleared up a ton#and i huch less and am just a lot more muscular and fit than i was before#like i was recovering from surgery yeah but i really did NOT look healthy in some of the ‘before’ photos#but i’ve put on some healthy weight which makes me feel rly good#and idk i’m also just dressing better because i want to and feel confident doing so and im way less stressed about. just about everything#like wow i really lived the worst and lowest moments of my life and was like ‘light work no reaction’ & dragged myself out of that bullshit#and it wasn’t even that long ago but i’ve come so so far#i am really proud of myself :3#yayyy!! ❤️ yippee!! ❤️
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