#I’ve felt insecure in general about writing lately

[peachdues]

a rare look at chapter 3 as it undergoes rewrites and edits

“I was selfish, kissin’ you.” Sanemi’s hoarse voice calls you back. “Swore it was only gonna happen once, and couldn’t even keep that promise. And then, what we did that night — that only made it worse. D’you know why?”

He chances a step toward you and the air between you thickens. A hand stretches out toward you, his fingers nearly grazing your hair, but his arm drops back limply to his side. “‘Cuz I shouldn’t have been able to have you. Not like that. But I did, and —“ he swallows, hard. “I knew I wanted more before I slept with you. Knew that if I ever crossed that line, I wasn’t coming back from it. Couldn’t.”

Your lips part. “Sanemi —“

“I can’t be your friend, Y/N.” Sanemi says heavily. “I just can’t. I knew that way back when I first started comin’ around, but I wanted to try. But I sure as hell can’t be your friend, now.”

[thedevildompolybunch]

Irresistible Attraction (Mammon X Body Insecure MC) 18+ Fluffy Smut

Sorry this took so long! I kept rewriting it trying to make it perfect! I’m excited to have finally completed it and I hope you like it! Thank you (Unknown if they want to be tagged) for the writing prompt. This has been a labor of love! I learned so much writing this! 

Summary: When Mammon realizes MC is avoiding his sexual advances, he attempts to figure out what’s going on. 

What to Expect: smut, AFAB, fluff, established relationship, unprotected sex, crying, insecurity, negative self talk, polycoded, Mammon is pushy and greedy but means well, MC is wearing pants and a shirt, shallowing, gender neutral, cum on body. 

I’m currently not accepting writing prompts, and plan to in the future once I get my guidelines situated. I was just super in love with the idea! 

Vulgar Language: cunt, pussy, cock, vagina, general swearing such as fuck, shit etc. 

Other ways to read (usually better formatting due to length)

Privatter.net (This version allows you to input your MC’s name and have it inserted into the story. Password: TheGreatMammon)

Archive of Our Own 

Chapter 1: Alone at Last

The unbearable tension that grew between Mammon and you was no longer ignorable. The two of you sat on his sofa making out while some video neither of you planned to watch continued to play. 

Wrapping a hand behind your thigh, he effortlessly hiked you onto his lap to deepen the kiss. The feel of your tongue against his was waning on his already diminishing inhibitions.

“Ya know, this is all your fault human.” 

He broke the kiss, his lips sensually brushing past yours as he began to speak. 

“If ya didn’t go and tease me.” 

His tone was labored with ecstasy as he blamed you for both of your desires. 

“...This nevuh woulda happened.”

And, he was right, it truly did feel that way. Mammon’s sin gave him the insatiable desire to pursue all things that were valuable, and you were one of the greatest jewels. 

With both hands on your hips, he grinded you against the bulge of his pants. The pressure of his cock tempting your already swollen cunt. 

“Ya like that treasure?”

His question begged for your praise and his body demanded it. Rocking harder, he drew moan after moan out of you. The ownership of your current pleasure further enticing the greed that already resided inside him. 

“Fuck…” 

He bit at his bottom lip in an attempt to maintain his composure.

It didn’t work. 

Desperately he clawed into your thighs; steadying you as he rocked you into his wave-like motion.  The peak of each ripple elevating both of your arousals. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. His urges were becoming unmanageable and he would do anything to have more of you.

Leaning back, he caressed your sides, pulling at your shirt in an attempt to remove it. 

“Oh look, I’ve been wanting to see this.” 

Your words were random and they caught him off guard. Pointing over at the tv, you redirected his attention; using the moment to seamlessly adjust your shirt to cover back up.

Mammon looked over, only to see a video that neither of you would have wanted to watch. In fact, he wasn’t even sure what was playing at this point because it was just some random recommendation from Deviltube. Wait…was that an ad?

“Yo, are you serious!?”

Mammon was offended. The last few weeks everything had been more interesting than him, or at least he felt that way, and now you wanted to watch some random ad over fooling around with him? What the fuck was going on? 

“MC, ya got a problem or somethin’?” 

His callout made you freeze. He hadn’t said anything about the way you’ve been acting lately and you hoped it would have remained that way. 

“Like, I know you ain’t tryin' to watch that.” 

He gestured to the ad as it ended. Ugh, what bad timing. You thought to yourself. In all fairness you would have never pointed to the tv if you had known. 

“Sorry, I thought it was something else.”

You attempted to cover up your failing lie, but Mammon didn’t buy it.

“Seriously, what’s goin on?” 

Couldn’t he just let it go? 

“Mammon, I promise; nothing’s up. I just got a little nervous.”

You tried your luck at a half truth, but it seemed that it wasn’t in your cards to outwit him today. 

“That ain’t true, ya been actin’ weird for a bit.”

Been actin’ weird for a bit? Are you kidding me, he noticed? 

Of course he noticed. Mammon noticed most things about you, he loved to. But just this once, couldn’t he just leave it alone? It had nothing to do with him. 

The thoughts in your mind were racing and soon it was hard to find the right words. 

“We don’t gotta do this if ya don’t wanna.” 

That wasn’t it. You did ‘wanna’, you just couldn’t get out of your head long enough for that to happen. 

It had been weeks that you had been rejecting him, with little to no explanations, and he was beginning to wonder if you even liked him at all. 

“Oi! MC! Ya hear me?”

Mammon broke the silence with his worry, snapping his fingers in front of your face in an attempt to help you regain consciousness.

“We don’t gotta do nothin’ if ya..” 

His attempts at comfort only increased your anxiety. 

“N-no, no, that’s not it…Its…”

You began to stutter, quickly trying to find the words to make the conversation end. 

“What, What is it then?”

His fears cut you off, trying to speed up your answers. What did he do wrong? Why were you having so much trouble talking to him? 

“Did somethin’ happen?”

He was asking questions faster than you could answer, and even faster than you could process. 

Overwhelmed, you rushed for the door, Mammon swiftly following behind. 

“HEY! Wait, would ya?!” 

He reached out for your arm. 

“Leave me alone!”

Avoiding his grasp, you ran off; slamming the door behind you. 

��💰💰💰💰

“And, you didn’t do anything?”

Asmo inquired after Mammon explained what had just happened. 

“What makes ya always think I did somethin’? I’m askin’ for your help, and this is what I get?”

“So, is that a no...or?”

“Asmo, I ain’t bein’ funny. You got that thing with MC tonight, ya gotta figure out what’s up.” 

“I don’t know, what’s in it for me? ♪”

The nerve. That was Mammon’s job. 

“You kiddin’ me? Nothin’, the satisfaction of helpin’ your older brother out.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about that.”

“I don’t want to hear ya askin’ me for nothin’ ever again then.” 

“Hun, you're the last demon I’d ask for something.”

Mammon let out a groan of frustration. Resorting to his next best plan…guilt. 

“I can’t believe you would treat your older brother like this! After all I’ve done for ya…”

His animated hand motions expressed his annoyance. 

“Like that time I returned your bracelet back to ya instead of sellin’ it.” 

“You were the one who stole it, sweetie.”

“Point bein’, I didn’t sell it! I brought it back to ya! That thing was worth major grimm, I coulda made bank!”

He left out the part where he only returned it because he was caught in the middle of the transaction. 

Asmo rolled his eyes, his next words, putting Mammon out of his misery. 

“Alright, I’ll do it.” 

It took Mammon a moment to realize that Asmo had agreed to his plea. 

“Oh, and how abou...Really?”

“Yeah, why not?” 

Asmo shrugged as if the answer had been easy all along. Because it had. The moment he realized it was something involving you, he knew he was going to say yes. It was just an added bonus to be able to get under Mammon’s skin for a bit. 

Pulling out his phone, he reminded you of your date; reassuring Mammon that he was serious. 

Asmo: “Don’t forget 😉”

MC: “Wouldn’t miss it!”

Chapter 2: Spilling the Tea 

Asmo laid next to you on his bed in nothing more than a robe. The floral smell of his body oil was soothing yet overwhelming. 

“So, these were the earlier designs and I thought they were a bit boring, so I came out with these…”

He opened a velvet lined box that revealed the prototypes of a new ring collection he had been designing for his jewelry line.

“Aren't they just perfect? No need to answer that, I designed them, I know they are! ♡”

Winding down with Asmo was pleasant. He’d always have a warm cup of tea waiting for you, a new beauty product to try…usually several, and he led most of the conversation; leaving you to just sit there and relax as he kept you updated on all things him.

“Oh and that’s not even the best part, the finished ones are each going to have their own unique charm that grants the wearer a different magical effect.” 

He continued to fill you in. 

“...I haven’t figured out all the details yet because I need to run it by Diavolo, and all, but I absolutely think everyone will love this line, I mean, how couldn’t you? ♡” 

Asmo sprung up with enthusiasm at his own bragging.  

“Try one on! I’d bet these would look just stunning on you!”

Pulling a ring out of the box, he slid it onto your finger, holding your hand in his palm to get a better view. 

“aaaannnnd…look at that, I was right.”

He moved your hand around to let the ring shine. 

“That looks absolutely gorgeous on you! ♡ ”

Admiring it for a few more moments, he sensually caressed the tips of your fingers with his thumb. 

“But, that’s not a surprise, everything looks gorgeous on you.”

His words were sweet and complemented by a wink and a smile.

“ Speaking of… ♪” 

 He let go of your hand. 

“That outfit I ordered you last week, It came in this morning, right?”

Removing the ring from your finger, he placed it back into the box. 

“Have you tried it on yet? Do you love it? I bet you look absolutely Devilgramable in it!”

Asmo sat up in excitement at the thought, eagerly awaiting your feedback. 

“I haven’t had time to try it on yet.”

“Awww, really?”

He pouted in disappointment.

“...I wanted to see it.”

Silence filled the air for a moment as Asmo sulked. He really wanted to know what it looked like on you because he was positive it would accentuate your best features. 

“...Oooh! You know what!”

He perked up with enthusiasm, eager to express the thought that had popped into his head. 

“I have a fun idea! Why don’t we try on outfits for each other? I have one I’ve been wanting to show you and I wouldn’t mind seeing how you look in the one I bought!”

Your stomach dropped. That sounded like anything but fun. Because the truth was, you had tried on that outfit; you just hated it. 

The concept was cute, you loved how it looked when Asmo and you saw it on the rack; but after actually seeing it on yourself; you felt that it highlighted all your insecurities. How were you going to tell him that? He was so modelesque, it was intimidating.

“I’d rather not, I’m kind of tired.”

Strange. Asmo thought to himself, noticing the subtle shift in your demeanor. This was similar to what Mammon had described to him earlier. 

“You ok, sweetie?”

He was relieved to finally get the chance to inquire about your problem. It had been on his mind since Mammon had brought it to his attention, and he was finding it unusually difficult to think about only himself.

“Y-Yeah, Yeah, I’m fine.”

Noticing your growing discomfort, he took your hand into his. 

“Hun, you’re not fooling anyone. What’s going on?” 

His thumb caressed over the top of your palm to show his support.

“You told me you loved that outfit in the shop and now it’s like you could care less about it, and a little birdy told me you’ve been avoiding their advances lately.” 

Wow, subtle. Wasn’t anything private in this house? 

“So, Mammon talked to you?”

“He might have said something… ♪”

His fingers played with yours in an attempt to soothe you. 

“Plllleeaaase don’t be mad at me. I just want to be here for you.” 

He pleaded for your forgiveness.

“Come on, you know you can talk to me.”

His tone was warm and his smile was inviting, complimenting his already striking features. Fuck he was beautiful…He was always so beautiful. He could pull off anything he wore and even when he thought he didn’t look good, he did. How could you even begin talking to him about what was going on? What would he think? 

The words once again struggled to find their way out of your mouth as you attempted to confide in him. 

“I-I-I don’t like the way I look.” 

Asmo’s face dropped at the meaning of what you said. His hand gripping yours tighter to show his support. 

“I-I don't know, I just don’t think I look good in most things.”

Your voice cracked as you held back tears, battling the thoughts in your head. You weren’t quite sure how to explain your issue to Asmo the Avatar of Lust; and rightly self proclaimed the avatar of beauty. 

“Like, what would Mammon even think if he saw me naked?”

Tears began to roll down your face as you confessed your fears. 

“Oh sweetie…”

He cupped your face into his hands, guiding your gaze to his to show his sincerity. 

“That you’re the hottest being he’d ever seen.” 

His eyes welled up with tears as he expressed his truth. He could relate to your insecurities; he too felt insecure about his body from time to time. It was constantly a losing game, and it broke his heart to think you were feeling the same. 

“I don’t know how to tell you this lovely, but you’re wrong. You're one of the prettiest beings I’ve laid my eyes on.”

The tears he was holding back, slowly began to drip down his face.

“Before you,  I’ve never met anyone who’s come close to matching my beauty.”

His lips grazed against yours as he resisted the impulse to kiss you; fearing it may tarnish his intentions. 

“And, I’ve been to 3 worlds.”

Pulling you into his comforting embrace, he rubbed his hands up and down your back in an attempt to soothe your stress.

“MC, I’m obsessed with the way you look, almost as much as I’m obsessed with the way I do. I wouldn’t want you to change it for the world. We are easily the hottest couple to walk down the streets of the Devildom and our presence together is unmatched.” 

His voice rang softly into your ear, as he snuggled you tighter into his arms.

“You are so attractive. And I think anyone would be lucky to see you naked.” 

Releasing you from his embrace, he settled down next to you. Guiding your head to rest against his shoulder. 

“Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t even want to leave the house.”

Taking in a breath of air to stifle the remaining tears he had left; he attempted to connect with you. 

“I don’t always feel pretty either…”

He gently massaged the top of your head, slowly easing you both to sleep. 

“...As shocking as that may seem.”

Leaning back, you both rested on each other in silence; the sweet aroma of tea and perfume comforting your spiraling thoughts. 

💰💰💰💰💰

It was the middle of the night when Asmo was awoken by the buzz of his phone.

“Yo!” 

“Hey!” 

“I know ya seein this!” 

“Asmo!”

“Ya betta not be doin’ anything funny with MC.”

“Ya suppose to be helpin’ me out dontcha forget!”

“Imma just message ya till ya respond.” 

Tiredly Asmo attempted to respond, only to be interrupted by an incoming call from Mammon.

Hitting the reject button before the sound could disrupt your sleep he followed up with a text. 

“Calm down sweetie, I got your answer.”

Chapter 3: Irresistible Attraction 

Sitting up on your bed, you checked your phone…nothing. Mammon hadn’t talked, texted or seen you since that night and you wondered how long it would be until he did. It was unlike him to stay upset with you for this long, usually by now he would have at the very least come up with an excuse to talk to you. 

But, maybe he didn’t want to talk to you anymore.

Maybe Asmo reported back to Mammon like you suspected he would.

And, Maybe Mammon decided that he was done with you. 

Ugh, the thought of that put a pit in your stomach. Closing the messenger app, you switched to Devilgram; hoping the endless scroll would drown out your unwanted thoughts. 

“Are you blind or just stupid!?”

The sound of Mammon’s voice bursting into the room startled you. 

“I hear ya don’t think ya look good?”

He slammed the door behind himself as he made his way towards the bed. 

“I don’t know where ya got that dumb idea from, cause it ain’t true. I mean look at ya…”

His hand gestured in the air to check out your body as he questioned the information as though he got it wrong. 

“...You’re the fuckin hottest.” 

Plopping down at the foot of the bed, he continued. 

“Like, how can ya even think that?”

Mammon was at a loss. He checked you out for a moment to try to imagine what you saw. But he couldn’t, he could never think of you as unattractive. Was your mirror in your room broken or somethin?  

“What? Do ya gotta hear me say it?”

In all honesty, you did. It was hard to say it to yourself sometimes and how did you know Mammon actually did feel that way? Nodding your head yes, your words came out as a whisper. 

“Yeah…” 

It was embarrassing to answer him. But, it was even more embarrassing for him to answer you. 

“Yo, like, really?”

He shifted in his spot to expel anxiety. 

“I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

But he did want to. He just couldn’t get out of his own thoughts long enough to…oh. 

The correlation between your feelings became clear to him. 

Truth be told, Mammon didn’t want to tell you all that stuff, because what were you going to think of him? He can’t be soft and sensitive; he was a demon after all and that wasn’t cool.

But, you not knowing how attractive he found you, that also wasn’t cool. Looking away, he rubbed the back of his neck to soothe his nerves, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. 

“I think ya look pretty amazin’.”

His confession was unpoetic but genuine. 

“Like, really amazin’…” 

He paused nervously between his words. 

“...I can’t stop looking at ya.”

His hands and eyes gestured towards you in an expressive motion that attempted to get you to see what he saw. 

Leaning beside you on the bed, he rested on his arm; as he continued his monologue. 

“Like, ya know those statues we learned about in human world history? The ones that are usually naked and shit?” 

the Greek ones? Confused about where this was going, you continued to listen to Mammon as he attempted to clarify his motives. 

“Yeah, ya make me think of those. Because like, they're pretty and stuff.”

“I remember hearin’ from Lucifer that they were known for their ‘natural beauty’ or some shit and it made me think about how they’re a lot like you.”

His heart rate began to pick up as he went on, his eyes checking out your body.

“I don’t know what to tell ya MC…”

His cock tightened his pants.

“I think ya fuckin’ hot” 

Blush lit up his face as he swallowed the feelings of his arousal; his gaze returning back to yours. 

“Besides, ya betta stop insultin’ me. The Great Mammon doesn’t just stare at anything, ya know?” 

His hand cupped your face; the flat of his thumb sensually rolling over the softness of your lips.

“So, cut it out with this ‘I don’t look pretty,’ trash.”

His words aimed to disprove you as his face leaned closer to yours. 

“Cause ya are pretty…”

He kissed your lips. Pulling away to berate you once more. 

“...Stupid….” 

With his face just a few inches away from yours, his eyes begged asked for another kiss. To which you responded with your lips against his. The validation of your interest re-igniting the weeks of tension that had built up between the two of you. 

Rolling you into the mattress, he slipped his tongue into your mouth, swallowing your moans of ecstasy as they escaped your lips.

Oh how badly he'd been wanting you. And the feeling of your body writhing underneath his told him just how much you wanted him too. 

Steadying himself onto his knees between your legs, he removed his shirt; following it up by sliding yours up and over your breasts; purposely keeping the fabric on to accommodate your comfort. 

He took a moment to admire your body as it laid before him, his hands caressing up and down your shape. 

“I ain’t got a clue what you see, Treasure.”

His words reassured you of his unconditional attraction.

“Because ya body is bangin’” 

Resting his hands on either side of your head, he leaned in; kissing the skin of your neck. 

Small whimpers of desire escaped your lips as he worked his way down the front of your body. The temperature of his labored breaths, only adding to the already tantalizing sensation. 

Your fingers desperately clutched at his hair as he sucked the top of your breasts, leaving small marks of possession. 

Continuously he made his way down, his lips appreciating every part of your body they came across, until he was stopped by the waistband of your pants. 

Biting the fabric, he pulled at the top with his teeth, using his hands to assist him in sliding them over your ass and off your body.

Damn. He thought, as he checked you out. What was it ya didn’t like? 

He growled as he nipped at the skin of your calves, pecking his way back up to your neck. His body pressing up against yours as he leaned in. The bulge of his pant’s applying pressure to your sensitive clit. 

“Yo, ya gotta stop doin’ this to me…” 

You moaned as you felt him twitch. The wetness from your arousal seeping through his pants.

“Ya know it’s hard for a Demon to resist somethin’ like you.” 

Fully succumbing to his sin; he balanced on one arm to release his cock. You whimpered as it rested against your swollen cunt, slowly being rocked by the movement of his returning kiss.

Thrusting his hips, Mammon’s shaft continued to tease your folds. The repeated friction teetering you on the edge.

Fuck! You thought. The ache between your legs was insufferable. And with each sway of his hips it was only getting worse.

Instinctively you pulled him in, grinding back in an attempt to keep it going. Fuck, he felt so good, you were so close, you could just…

The tip of Mammon’s cock slid inside you by mistake; causing you both to let out moans that could be heard from outside of the room. 

Re-orienting himself, he swayed barely an inch into your entrance; stimulating all the sensitive nerves that resided there. Your body trembled as he teased the most shallowest parts of your vagina.

Mammon was greedy in every way, and that included when it came to your pleasure. In this moment; every moan, movement, and gasp that came from you was his, and only his; and nothing tempted his sin more. 

Stepping off the bed, Mammon pulled you to the edge; positioning your legs on either side of his waist to give himself more control. 

His heart raced as he slid himself back into you, both your bodies shaking with euphoria  as he slowly worked himself in and out, gradually increasing his depth. The adrenaline that was rushing through the both of yous was no longer able to be ignored.

Tilting your hips to reach the correct angle, Mammon filled you with his length, growling as his hips met yours. 

You tightened your thighs together as he thrusted deep into you, grinding his curve up against your g-spot. Your pussy twitching around him as he controlled the rhythm of his hips.

Purposely he maintained a speed that was less than you wanted; indulging in the whimpers of your desires. Leaning his hands on the bed, he lost himself in the image of your body, mesmerized by the beauty of your motions below him. 

He was so in love with you, he couldn’t believe it. He’d pleasure you all day if you’d let him, but he knew he couldn’t because eventually your human body would give up. 

Finally giving you what you wanted, he steadied his motion; rocking hard and consistently against your spot. At this point, being aroused was painful.

Please Please Please. You begged in your mind. You couldn't take it any more. Out of breath and dizzy you clawed into his back to try to release some of  your torturous pleasure. 

“Come on, Treasure.” 

Mammon cheered you on through his labored breaths. You both were reaching sexual exhaustion. You had played this game too long.

“Come on, MC.”

He gritted his teeth, carefully keeping the pace of his motion.

“Oh yes, like that.”

You praised him to make sure he would continue.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You were so fucking close!

Wrapping your legs around him you grinded hard onto your g-spot. The deep pressure stimulating your clit. 

“I-I-m, gonna…”

Your moans rang through the room as you came; the warm sensation of your orgasm pushing him dangerously over the edge. 

Pulling out, Mammon wrapped his hand around his cock and stroked; releasing himself onto your stomach. 

“Fuck, I fucking love you treasure.”

His hands once again resided on either side of your head as he caught his breath. Time felt as if it froze as the two of you attempted to center yourself. Mammon’s hair brushing past your face acting as your anchor. 

Stepping out of his pants, Mammon dropped to his forearms to kiss your lips; rubbing his thumbs caringly over the top of your forehead.

“I love you, MC.”

He kissed your lips again. 

“And there ain’t anythin’ in this world that could get me to stop.”

His eyes gazed into yours to show his sincerity. Kissing your lips a few more times, he began to return back to reality. 

He winced as he noticed the cold stickiness of his cum between the two of you. 

Standing up, he looked around the room for a rag, settling on his shirt by the foot of the bed; he cleaned you up and wiped himself off; tossing it to the side when he was done. 

He assisted you under the sheets, following in after you. Laying down, he pulled you onto his chest, wrapping his arm around your back to keep you close. The feeling of your heart beating against his side relaxed him.  

He could have stayed like this forever. He never wanted to leave you. Not now, not ever. The last couple of weeks without you were lonely like he had never known and he was glad to have you back in his arms. 

Mammon may not have understood exactly what made you feel this way, but he was more than happy to remind you how much he loved you time and time again if it would help.

Kissing your forehead, he snuggled you even tighter, falling asleep to the faint sounds of your tired breaths.

Original Prompt (paraphrased):

Mammon and MC are sitting in his room and he tries to do it with her a lot but they keep stopping him. One day he gets mad and asks Asmo for help so Asmo asks Mc what the reason is. They tell him that she feels insecure about her body, and he comforts her and when Asmo tells Mammon about it, he goes to her and makes love to them. 

[darlingsfandom]

hiya!! would you be willing to write a fic about reader feeling insecure about changing in front of Cilian and he makes sure she never feels insecure around him ever again!!? Thanks x

hi! I sure can!

TW: body image issues, ED hints!

Fluffy !

It’s always been in your head or so everyone said. It had been a problem since you were in middle school and now you’re in your late twenties. Food was a friend and a foe! You watched how your body changed over the years, parts started to sag… other parts gained freckles, your body wasn’t always your friend. You had a love hate relationship with your body. No matter what you did, it never felt right.

“What are yer doin?” Cillian broke your train of thought by poking your shoulder repeatedly until you looked up at him with slight annoyance lurking in your eyes.

“Reading.” You held up the book in your hands but he grabbed it, made sure to bookmark it and set it down on the bedside table before pressing his lips onto the side of your neck. It sent a shiver down your spine but you couldn’t get out of the headspace that you were ugly. That your body is disgusting. How could Cillian even be attracted to you ? His lips moved down to your collar bone and instead of letting out a whimper or a moan, a tear fell down your cheek. Cillian looked up at you and his eyes went from dark to concerned in the blink of an eye. His hands cupped your cheeks gently while he looked into your eyes.

“Yer havin yer doubts aren’t ya?” He ran his hand through your hair slowly while caressing your cheek with your other hand. “I know ya get in dat pretty little head of yers now and then and it’s one of those moments.” He pressed his lips into your forehead before pulling away to look you up and down.

“I just don’t get how you’re attracted to me! There’s so many pretty girls in the world who don’t weigh as much as a whale and you could be with them!” You sighed heavily feeling the tears fall down your heated cheeks.

“I have da prettiest girl in da world! Yer beautiful and no one can change my mind. Come with me.” Cillian helped you onto your feet and walked you over the mirror. He pulled off your shirt to expose your breasts but you quickly covered them only for Cillian to sigh. “Doll ya have to try this wit me.”

You let out a small hiccup of tears as he grabbed your hands and pulled them down. He had you looking at your body in a way you never looked at it before. He stood behind you humming quietly. Every time you tried to look away he’d have you turn your head back to look in the mirror. He wanted you to see the beauty inside of you pour out of you to make the connection to the outer beauty that they were the same thing! You held up your hand and placed it on your chest only for Cillian to place his hand over yours.

The two of you stood silently for awhile soaking in each others warmth. Cillian reached down and helped you undress your bottom half slowly so you had no choice but to look at yourself naked. You turned your head away when he touched your hips but he made you look.

“Every inch of ya, every part of ya… is beautiful. I know ya’ r heard otherwise but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have a lot to behold! Yer beautiful inside and out! Yes yer hips are wide, ya got some stretch marks but ya are the most generous, loving, kind, amazin person I’ve ever met.” Cillian laid his head on your shoulder while you cried. He loved that you were comfortable enough to express your emotions to him , he didn’t care if they were good or bad he wanted to know so he could help you if you needed him.

“But if I had a better relationship with food..”

“Hush! Yer workin on it baby, all progress takes time! Progress is not linear ! Yer gonna have bad days and I’ll be there for ya! Ya never credit yerself for all the hard times ya’ ve been through and I wish ya would .” He kissed the top of your head before placing his hands on your shoulders. Cillian squeezed them softly while rubbing down your arms. “I want ya to look in the mirror and tell me one! Just one” he held up his finger . “Positive thing about yerself.”

You stood quietly with wandering eyes to look at your naked body. He watched you in the mirror carefully. Your lips opened then closed before sighing. You wanted to give up and say nothing but you knew Cillian wouldn’t allow that. He was patient with you . He wanted you to feel loved , cared for and beautiful !

“My nipples are a pretty shade of pink!” You spoked almost in a whisper but he still heard you. A small smile crept on his lips before he turned you around to kiss you passionately on the lips.

“Dats my girl! Now every day I want you to say one nice thing about yerself okay! I know ya can do it! Even if it’s somethin’ small.” Cillian walked you back to the bed and laid you against the sheets before he got back into bed as well. His hand rested on your thigh as he handed you back your back he kissed you again. “Even the smallest things hold da most beauty, don’t ya forget dat my beautiful girl.”

[francesderwent]

I’ve been on a real Fearless kick lately and it always makes me feel some kinda way about Olivia Rodrigo’s body of work. and not even primarily about her and her talent and her songwriting, just about how different an experience it seems to be growing up as a young millennial woman versus growing up as a young gen z woman. take the total absence of any jealousy/self-image song on Taylor’s debut album or Fearless—because social media wasn’t this omnipresent perfect image factory and so the insecurity of growing up looked more like “Place In This World” or “The Outside”, fundamental experiences of questioning and longing that are deeply connected to our humanity, as opposed to “jealousy jealousy”, “pretty isn’t pretty”, or “lacy” which are founded on an obsession spiral that is literally only possible on that level because of the invention of the smartphone.

look at “Tell Me Why” or “Other Side of the Door” as opposed to “vampire” or “logical”—Taylor’s approach was a very straightforward “you acted this way and this is how it made me feel." it wasn’t until later that she started to make statements about patterns of behavior, because she simply couldn’t see them except in hindsight! she couldn’t say “this is what kind of man you are” or “this is what sort of relationship we had” until she had fully processed what happened—which is when we get songs like “Fifteen” and “Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve” and “The Manuscript”. but because the younger generation breathes the air of pop psychology buzzwords, Olivia is diagnosing her exes and labeling her relationships right away. and you might say this is a good thing, that young women are armed with terms like “gaslighting” and taught to be suspicious of age gaps because of the power differential. but having the knowledge doesn’t seem to have protected Olivia at all. she still makes all the same mistakes, there’s literally a whole song all about knowing something is a bad idea and doing it anyway. she still dates the older guy, but then she has so many labels readymade to explain why it didn’t feel good that she doesn’t ever actually get down to saying how it felt—because I don’t think she knows. the younger generation acts like processing an experience means figuring out what tiktokified sound bite applies to it and then slapping the label on and moving forward. “my parents were emotionally abusive” “my ex was a narcissist” “my ex best friend gaslit me” etc. but it seems to me that’s skipping some necessary stages of actually processing your shit. “vampire” is Olivia trying to write “Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve” before she’s ever written (or felt) “Tell Me Why”. it’s the difference between “here’s to you and your temper, yes I remember what you said last night / and I know that you see what you’re doing to me, tell me why” on the one hand and “went for me and not her ‘cause girls your age know better” or “master manipulator, you’re so good at what you do” or “you convinced me it was all in my mind” on the other hand.

and another side effect of this, the big names in this younger generation of artists aren’t really writing love songs, and I don’t think that’s accidental. they literally do not have the vocabulary to do so. the psychology buzzwords that go around are all about toxic relationships and red flags. and so, deprived of a way of thinking about being in love, the love songs either fall flat (“I’ll go anywhere he goes and he says I’m so American��) or they simply don’t exist. the open-hearted sincerity of a “Hey Stephen” or “Jump Then Fall” is nowhere to be found.

[pop-punklouis]

Hope ,what's your opinion about the Blake - Justin drama? Did you see the new video they released ? He got dragged through the mud when her lawsuit came out where her team released her court docs as well. Isn't it fair that he gets to show his side as well? And she refused to meet the intimacy coordinator before shooting the scenes . So obviously she will be uncomfortable if he did something , which is why IC's are imp. I saw the insider info leak that Candace Owens got and it makes a lot of sense. Ryan Reynolds is a super controlling jealous guy.

ngl celebrity feuds and hot topics like this are my guilty pleasure lmao especially with the rollercoaster that has been the blake and justin lawsuits. i have been keeping too much on top of it for my own liking tbh (***putting this under a read more bc i have many thoughts thanks lol***)

BUT, unless blake’s team comes out with some bombshell at this point to completely counteract everything i read in that 700 page filing i read from Baldoni’s side the other day and watching the footage (that they say they have plenty more of)…. i do not see how they think they’re ever gonna win over a judge. and public perception is in the toilet for her and ryan now. they should just try and settle at this point (which i doubt baldoni will do after her lawsuit caused him to lose three jobs, too much money, and completely damaged his image in the industry — if i were him i would also stand my ground if he is indeed telling the truth which… jesus) anyways, i did read the insider info from candace owens and it only further solidifies what i had already convinced myself of regarding the whole thing after falling down the rabbit hole.

so my completely outsider opinion is that this whole situation has felt way too petty and hateful for it to not have any personal ties to it— and those personal ties, it seems as the only plausible explanation in my mind, that blake and justin connected emotionally on set. you can see that in many of their text exchanges and comments that were made about late night writing sessions etc. and the chemistry they had on set and in the footage before everything went sour in the baldoni lawsuit. whether blake became attracted to him or they both flirted with one another isn’t that important. what’s important is that, in my mind, ryan reynolds found out about something or didn’t like that blake was showing a more relaxed and comfortable side with baldoni which caused him to get uncomfortable and insecure and he pushed for the lawsuit believing that their combined presence and celebrity power would practically dessimate baldoni as he’s only worth like 3 million dollars compared to ryan who is gaining net worth close to a billion dollars (🤢) and they could wipe their hands of him and gain the rights to the sequel of the film. **funny how ryan knows how easy it is to become attracted to a co-star as he cheated on scarlett johansson with blake during green lantern but oops <3 **

unfortunately, everything i’ve ever heard about ryan reynolds has fit an ego-maniac frame. a lot of what i read in the baldoni lawsuit and from other sources about the film’s production and how reynolds practically took control over the entire thing, observing the dailies, rewriting scenes that blake took credit for, and then having meetings with certain crew and baldoni where they witnessed him degrade baldoni in front of everyone…. it wouldn’t surprise me if ryan was the one who won’t let this go and keeps pushing it because his pride and his ego won’t step out of the way long enough to realize this is only tanking both his and his wife’s image and value in the industry and to the general public. i think a perfect example of how weirdly obsessed he was with baldoni was in the new deadpool movie (which i know many people have referenced but it’s still so bizarre to me) where he becomes a character called “nicepool” which is an obvious jab at baldoni who has longer hair swept up in a half bun, with a certain vernacular, and is standing outside of a sage store (baldoni is known for saging any new environment he comes into) where blake lively’s character in ryan’s film ends up defeating him in a battle……. if his wife was that uncomfortable and felt like baldoni was creepy and actually harassing her why would ryan even bring up this guy in his film— treating it and him like a bad joke. it all just screams of ryan being a controlling partner who didn’t like that blake was actually growing close to another man. and she is the mask for him and his petty agenda to destroy him.

now, i don’t think Blake is an innocent party here at all. i think she also has a lot to answer for because almost everything she claimed in her lawsuit was referenced and countered with actual evidence from baldoni’s lawsuit (i also cant stop thinking of how absurd some of her texts and thinly veiled threats were to him like a grown ass woman acting as a cartoon bully)…. but, i do think ryan has a much bigger hand in this than people know and he’s practically running the show here and won’t back down which is going to ultimately damage him and her more than i think he believes it will damage justin. again, they should just pack it up and go back home with all the evidence baldoni’s team has but i know they won’t. would absolutely love to be a fly on the wall in the reynolds household right now though.

it’s a mess but yeah that’s where my mindset is at right now and i doubt it’ll change because i don’t think they have anything up their sleeve to change most people’s opinions here after all that’s been dropped. they genuinely believed he would back down and take it but he didnt. (also i find it easier to form an opinion when you see that most of the cast sided with her BUT the entire crew sided with him. that paints a pretty clear picture to me imo)

btw i’ve been following a tiktok creator’s commentary on the topic and they have a very similar opinion that i do about ryan reynolds role in this entire situation and why it feels like he’s pulling the strings. you can watch it here.

[maislovebot]

hiii :3 so im in LOVE with your writing, and I wanted to req smthn if it's not too much!! basically what im thinkin is an atsushi x reader comfort/fluff fic where reader is insecure about themself/their body, and atsushi reassures them that they're beautiful and overall just tries his best to comfort them.

I don’t think there’s anything better than you!

I just realized I forgot to italicize any of the words😭 my apologies, but it’s fixed now!

Hey goat!! I’d love to write this, thank you so much for requesting it!! I’m so glad you like my work:) also the title is from dancing with my demons by eyedress

Contains: gn reader but they are referred to with words like gorgeous and beautiful, fluff, insecurity comfort, because it wasn’t said what the reader was insecure about I kinda danced around it, it’s overall pretty short because it’s hard to write a long fic with such a general prompt, I hope that’s okay!

Atsuhsi certainly wasn’t new to feeling insecure. He always felt as if he didn’t amount to much, but he only ever really thought these bad things about himself. He couldn’t even fathom how you of all people were insecure. You were, quite literally, the most gorgeous person he had ever seen. Everyone seemed to agree with him too! Dazai would constantly flirt with you and ask for a double suicide, and Kyouka always looked at you in awe. Atsushi wouldn’t even be surprised if some of the enemies found you gorgeous. This information used to make him feel jealous and even more insecure than he already was, but he’s grown used to all the constant remarks from everyone who saw you, or the looks of pure admiration from others.

So just how were you insecure?

Atsushi couldn’t understand it. You were breathtaking, and everyone around you seemed to agree. So just how is it that you curled up into his touch one day, after a long day of work, mumbling about how you didn’t feel attractive?

At first, it took a while to get it out of you. Atsushi could tell that something was wrong, but he just couldn’t tell what. He didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, or seem pushy, but he really wanted to know what was on your mind so he could fix it. Considering the type of person Atsushi is, he automatically assumed it was him you were upset at, although he didn’t really have any evidence to back that up. You obviously didn’t want him to think you were upset at him, as you knew it would eat at him constantly, so you mumbled some sort of reason behind how you were feeling. You didn’t want to lie to him, so you just told him how you were feeling so quietly that Atsushi struggled to tell what you were saying.

It took Atsushi a few moments to piece together what you were saying, and once he finally did, he gave a small gasp, before wordlessly holding your sides close, pulling you into his chest. He wasn’t sure how to word what he wanted to say. How could he possibly describe your beauty to you? You were beyond what words could comprehend. He really didn’t understand how you were feeling this way, but he knew simply telling you not to think those things wouldn’t work, and he struggled to word it anyways, so he decided to take things slow.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

You nodded.

“I do, but..it’s embarrassing to talk about,” you refused to look him in the eye.

“Why would it be?”

“I’m just—insecure in my body, it’s hard to talk about.”

You still weren’t looking at him.

“You don’t have to tell me, but please, just tell me what’s got you feeling this way?”

Atsushi didn’t want to sound pushy, and he was suddenly hit with an internal panic that he’s making you uncomfortable.

“If you want to, of course! You don’t have to tell me anything!” The way Atsushi was waving his arms around was almost comical, and you couldn’t help but let a giggle out.

You shake your head, resting your nose in the crook of his neck.

“No, it’s fine. It’s not really any specific thing, I’ve just been feeling awful lately.”

Atsushi looked down at you in surprise, running his hand through your hair.

“I don’t know how much weight my words have according to you, but I think you’re beautiful. You look perfect.”

Atsushi had hardly ever focused on looks practically his entire life, as he was struggling to even keep his head above water. So things like looks, and friends had to come second. He may not know much about beauty, but he certainly knows that you are beautiful. You’re the embodiment of it. He needed to make sure you knew that.

He wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

“Tell me, what are you insecure about?” he questioned.

“Do I have to say?”

“What? No, not if you don’t want to,” Atsushi paused, “but that just means I’m gonna have to focus on all of you.” Atsushi sat up, turning you into your back. He wasn’t above you by any means, but he did have his arms on either side of your body. You chuckled at his words, and looked him in the eyes for the first time that night and you were met with his eyes completely closed, but he had a big smile on his face. It didn’t have any teeth, but he was still emoting quite a lot. It melted your heart a little.

“You still haven’t changed out of your work clothes,” Atsushi noted.

“You haven’t either.”

“That can’t be comfortable, let’s change then we can come back to this!”

You giggled at how hyped he was, and you took his hand and stood up, walking over to your closet. Atsushi was right next to you, looking at his side of the closet, which in your opinion, was comically small compared to your side. Your “half”of the closet took up 85% of the entire thing, and most of Atsushi’s clothes were just socks and button up pants, along with one white suit the agency forced him to get.

Atsushi noticed how you were paying such close attention to the closet instead of just picking something out, so he just grabbed a pair of shorts and a shirt for you to rest in. Once he grabbed what he needed, he wordlessly walked to the bed to get changed, waiting for you to follow his lead. You left your haze, and hustled over to the bed to get changed next to Atsushi.

Once you were in more comfortable clothes, you laid in bed and Atsushi soon followed, yet again having you lay on your back while Atsushi sat up to look at you. He poked at your stomach, before leaving one small, chaste kiss to it.

“I really don’t know how you’re even insecure, you’re so beautiful.” Atsushi said.

He moved his face up to leave another kiss to your shoulder, and he kept leaving small, innocent kisses along your entire upper figure. He didn’t really go in any particular order, he just kissed wherever he happened to notice. Between every kiss he would give you one more compliment, and by the end you were smiling and giggling because he was acting so loving. This was what made him truly happy. Comforting you. Holding you close. Helping you make all your problems melt away. You deserve the best after all.

Once he was done, he wrapped the blankets around you, laying down next to you. The blankets were flush with your shoulders, and you were curling into Atsushi’s touch again like you were just a few minutes ago. Atsushi always loved when you got clingy. He was typically the clingy one, but after you had a long day, and you returned home, just wanting to hold Atsushi in his arms was one of his favorite parts of life in general. He loved taking care of you on those days because it made him feel like he had purpose, even if this only really happened after you’d had a bad day.

Atsushi could tell you didn’t really want to get into detail as to why you were feeling insecure, so he hoped that after a good night's sleep, and lots of cuddles and comfort, you’d be more open to the idea.

As all he really wanted to do was help you.

Wc - 1.2k

I hope you enjoyed, goat!! When I proofread this I was like giggling and kicking my feet tee hee

[a-crumb-of-whump]

ANB Drabble: Pokemon

A New Beginning Masterlist | Comfortember 2023 Masterlist | @comfortember

~ Comfortember | Day 11: Comfort Show/Movie ~

Content: Blood (for the sake of feeding), recovery, parental whumpee, vampire whumpee, brief mentions of childhood neglect.

-

“What are you watching?”

Ryker blinked, forcing his eyes away from the TV upon hearing someone speaking to him. It was Carlos, holding his breakfast close to his chest as he sleepily smiled down at the human. He’d only just woken up, judging by the tousled hair and the fact that he was still wearing his pajamas. Charlie had bought them for him not long ago, and now he wore them every night. 

“Pokemon,” he mumbled in reply, and as soon as he pulled his feet back so he wasn’t taking up the entire couch, the vampire sat down beside him with his mug still close. “I don’t think you’d enjoy it, but I’ve been deeply invested in the show for years. Since… I think, half a year after I left?” He nodded after a few moments of consideration. “Yeah. Charlie gave me the DVD’s as a late housewarming gift when he followed us down here.” 

Ryker had begun to realise lately that he was having an incredibly hard time introducing Carlos to the things that meant a lot to him out of fear of disappointing him or being mocked for how childish most of them were. He’d been bullied for bringing stress toys into school before, and for having certain keychains related to media he frequently watched. It didn’t happen now, and he thought he was generally over that fear, but the thought of Carlos being the face of those who made fun of him - it just seemed like too big of a risk to take sometimes. 

But Carlos never made fun of him. The only smile he ever had when he listened to Ryker talk about the things he loved was one of fondness. Even if he wasn’t particularly interested, he’d still sit and listen to the human ramble for what felt like hours without complaining or any interruptions, and even encouraged it when he was feeling too insecure to talk about his interests unprompted. 

He rested the side of his face against the back of the couch, his lips pressed into a subtle smile and his arms wrapped around his stomach. Carlos had pulled his own feet up onto the couch, so their socks were just barely touching. It was nice and quiet, apart from the occasional slurp as the vampire finished the rest of his meal. 

It was moments like this where he realised just how lucky he had become. Everything he’d lacked as a child, from attentive parental figures and family to a support system and friends, he had in Carlos. 

And even if he wasn’t always able to see that as a child, he most certainly could as an adult.

-

Comfortember 2023 Taglist: @topsheepstudent

ANB Taglist: @choppedflowermuffinchild @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @emcscared-whumps @espresso-depresso-system @inkkswhumpandstuff @pigeonwhumps @pumpkin-spice-whump @roblingoblin285 @sacredwrath @some-thrilling-heroics @stabby-nunchucks @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @trans-writes @whump-blog @whumpsday @whumpshaped @paniatheweirdone @whumpycries @why-not-ask-me-a-better-question @thekittyburger @whumpdreamz

[my-castles-crumbling]

My opinion of you? Hmmmm. Well honestly, my opinion of you… really fucking good.

I dunno how comfortable you are with compliments so i’m putting a little warning here; compliments incoming :)

Firstly, you are an awesome writer. Like genuinely. Plus it’s so impressive that you write/post those microfics everyday, it’s serious (sirius haha) dedication, and most ppl wouldn’t have it in them to keep a routine like that. 

Two, you have legit saved people. People here felt safe enough to ask you for help, and from all i’ve seen, you’re damn good at giving advice. 

Plus I saw that one anon you answered where you told the person not to admit they cheated if it’d get them in more trouble than they deserve, and I salut you for that. (I remember you also told them that cheating is wrong and mostly don’t do it- don’t worry I got the right message). 

Anyway, my point is, there aren’t many places people feel safe enough to talk about their problems or insecurities or even dangers. Especially on the internet. So you’ve made a really good community here. You should be proud. 

But we’re doing full honesty right? So honestly, I think that it seems like sometimes you don’t have enough faith in yourself. 

I mean your fics are amazing, but also, they’re fucking free and a gift to the fandom. So you shouldn’t feel the need to meet anyone’s demands or be good enough for anyone but yourself. 

And here, you have helped so many people, I understand insecurity is a part of living, but maybe you don’t get how helpful your blog is. Whenever I come on here, you’ve posted a microfic or made a marauders joke or truly helped someone (with annoyingly good advice btw, i’m an adult and yet NO WHERE NEAR as mature, so good on u), and it’s soothing. You’re soothing.

Give yourself credit, is what i’m saying. 

You’re allowed to feel proud that you help people, proud that people love your writing, and ignore anyone who’s an asshole cause they’re dumb anyway.

And don’t forget that you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t owe anyone a fic, or a tumblr post or an anon answer or even (within reason) kindness. You’re being generous with your time and your kindness by helping people. And while obviously that’s a good thing, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do so. 

Wait let me rephrase that- anyone who pressures you to do so is a bad person and should be strongly ignored. 

You don’t have to apologise for not wanting to post or be on social media. And anyone who cares should value that you’re taking time for yourself. 

Plus, and sorry if it’s weird to bring up your like, real life, but I think you’re probably a really great teacher. I didn’t have many people who believed in me growing up and you seem like someone who believes in people. And that’s what matters most. 

(Plus all teachers are criminally underpaid so like- good for you sticking with a half shitty job- though then again all jobs are half shitty) 

Also, and in this day and age this is a truly high compliment, you don’t seem like you’ve ever sent hate. 

You just have that vibe. You know… nice :)

So yes, that is my opinion of you.

Also, random question, how much gory stuff in films can you take? Usually i’m pretty alright, but I watched a pretty gross film earlier and it reminded I can’t watch everything gory. 

So yeah… that’s all ❤️

Hi, um...I am SO sorry, my my allergies are terrible and I seem to be sweating from my eyes....nothing to see here...😭😭😭😭

Thank you. Genuinely. I have honestly been struggling a fair amount lately, so notes like this make a much bigger difference than you would think <3

As far as films, I'm alright with gore. I actually LOVE horror films, but I prefer psychological horror and horror based on East Asian legends.

Thank you again <3 <3 <3

[sunbeamedskies]

Darth Vader/Friends with Detriments

Writing about all this stuff really helps remind me my life is a continuous flow instead of disjointed parts. There are distinct phases of course, but lately I have felt like I’m in such a new place in my life that I’ve felt disconnected from both the wonderful and awful times I’ve had in the past

A conversation came up recently I got involved in about men and women being friends. I’ve had tons of friendships with men where neither of us had any attraction to each other. I’m very much of the view men and women can easily be friends and will elaborate more about it in a future post. But the conversation did remind me of the messiest friendship with a man I’ve ever had and made me ponder how much it affected me

It’s astounding when you realize something is far enough in the past you can now analyze it with a brand new sense of clarity. It’s also a bit of a mindfuck to know if I actually become a famous writer in the future, the people who knew the guy I’m about to write about, along with the guy himself, will probably one day read this

I met a guy my junior year of college who became my closest guy friend ever for a few years. All my life, I had wanted a close guy friend, my only close friends ever having been girls previously. I felt I would get along well with guys, but just hadn’t had the opportunity yet. In high school I had had some guy friends, but we hadn’t been super close. It’d always bothered me. I felt like I was missing out

We met when he came to my new living-learning community dorm’s hallway and was messing around with something right outside my door. Me and my roommate either came out into the hall or already were there, I don’t quite remember. He was staring at her, and I instantly knew he liked her. I also instantly felt like I already knew him from a past life

Very soon afterwards, I was sitting on the top bunk of our bunk beds when my roommate told me she was going to check out his room, with the guy in question nearby, and she asked if I wanted to tag along. Knowing he probably wanted to hook up with her and thinking maybe she wanted to as well, I declined. It was strange- although I found him very attractive, I didn’t feel any jealousy like I normally would have at the time (I was extremely insecure and all around “off” that year)

The guy looked like Hayden Christensen, who was one of my childhood crushes. Due to it, for the rest of this post, I will refer to him as Hayden. I didn’t blame him for liking my roommate- her hair was thick and long, like I’d always wanted on myself. Actually, I had recently needed to cut my hair because the stress of the last year had made me comb it while it was tangled in a way which was not careful at all, causing me to yank some of it out. But even coupled with the hair jealousy, for whatever reason, I was unbothered when he hooked up with her

He hooked up with a lot of girls. I didn’t really see him as a “player” though because I felt like that term was already outdated, that people were more complex than that. People felt freer to hookup when they were single and have fun in general at the time, as they do today. That didn’t mean they wouldn’t be dedicated when in a monogamous, committed relationship- it was just their single behavior. If I had had more opportunities back then, and if my life had played out a little differently, perhaps I would’ve been a similar way

I barely knew him for that entire first year, but I craved being friends with him. I did have a tiny crush on him, but in my mind there was no way we would ever get together in any way. I thought he would be an interesting friend to have based on what I knew of his personality, but it felt unlikely I’d ever really get to know him even as a friend

We started chatting on Facebook occasionally over the summer. I forget exactly what prompted it, but he said he used to think I was crazy based on what my former roommate- who had been partially sheltered- said about me doing things like tarot, but now thought I was awesome (he had also been somewhat sheltered through being raised religiously Christian.) I couldn’t believe we were actually becoming friends

The next year we lived in the same dorm building in our living learning center (LLC.) I found out pretty quickly he had just started dating a beautiful, stylish girl he had gone to high school with but hadn’t known well there who was also living in our LLC. She seemed really cool, but this time, I felt some jealousy. She was also very slender, something I’ve always had trouble achieving due to my polycystic ovarian syndrome (I’ve finally found a healthy way to lose weight steadily nowadays, but it’ll still take some time to reach my goals.) I hated that I felt jealous of her. It’s not like I even expected to date him, but there was still a small crush lingering, and that combined with my lack of experience at the time got to me 

They broke up pretty quickly, and she and I became good friends for a while. Turns out she had had a crush on Hayden in high school and was a little mind blown she actually dated him for a short while in college. Whenever I’ve been jealous of a girl and then become friends with them, it’s always drilled into me how dumb jealousy is. She was so nice, and there was a part of her which thought it was crazy she really ended up dating her former high school crush. I still get jealous of girls sometimes, but I have more perspective now to know it’s silly and try to remind myself of that

Slowly at first, then rapidly, Hayden and I became best friends. Part of me couldn’t believe we had gotten so close after not knowing each other well for a whole year before, but the part of me which felt like I already knew him when I met him was not as surprised. Underneath those good looks, he was a secret weirdo. I should’ve known- we had both chosen to live in the same artsy/hippie/hipster/nerdy dorm community LLC, after all- our university’s living, breathing embodiment of Tumblr

We became so close that everyone in the dorm community just started associating us with each other. One time when I was looking for him, a girl in one of the lounges- without me asking or saying anything- said “you just missed him!” Another girl who was dating a guy who lived on the same floor as Hayden kept mistakenly calling me his girlfriend. To this day, she still probably incorrectly believes we were ever together

One night he got drunk with a mutual friend in his room. I was there too, but was not drunk because I didn’t drink. While he was staring at his computer, he said to himself after referencing me, “I think I might be falling in love with you.” It was said so casually yet thoughtfully, as if he was talking to himself and had forgotten anyone else was in the room. Our other friend- who was also drunk and did not know Hayden well enough at all to know if he had feelings for me- said something like “uh, I’m here to make sure he doesn’t say anything dumb haha.” This was the first time I’d ever heard anyone utter aloud they might be in love with me, and it was my attractive best friend

I freaked out for a week or two. I knew I was not in love with him, but I wasn’t sure if I should tell him what he said, give him a chance, and try dating him. I asked my friends if the truth really does come out when people are drunk. They had mixed answers, but I knew that based on how he’d said it, in this instance it was probably true. I blasted She Said She Said by The Beatles constantly as I walked across campus. The rough guitars, the melody, and the lyrics all hit just the right spots for someone as confused as me. “Cause you’re making me feel like I’ve never been born” echoed through my head. One of my college best friends who I’m still best friends with says she thinks about me whenever she hears it because she knew I played it all the time

If I had written a story, it would have been such a fun little plot twist to write a guy falling for the roommate of the girl he had hooked up with a couple times, the girl he’d kind of ignored at first but then fell in love with without ever even kissing her. It felt miraculous, but was simultaneously one of the hugest disappointments I’d ever endured. I knew he was somewhat toxic and judgmental, that he didn’t experience the world similarly enough to me and didn’t have the goal to treat people with compassion and openness that I had. I’ve always had a thing for hippies, and he was not one, no matter what dorm he lived in. Sure, we related on a very deep level regarding some strange strains of thought and our senses of humor, but I knew deep down that dating him would have been unhealthy

The funny thing is that I didn’t even have a crush on him throughout a good portion of our friendship as it progressed. It was a very on and off crush, and I felt it was similar for him. I never told him what he said that night, and I don’t think our other friend remembered it either. There came a couple of times when he talked about the possibility of us being together, and I told him the truth- that I didn’t feel like he was able to be in touch with his feelings enough and feel things as intensely as I thought I probably would whenever I got into a relationship with someone someday

College was supposed to be where things finally happened for people dating-wise. Movies, music, and everyone had implied such. There had been absolutely nothing for me in high school, and here I was in college, getting so close but making the mature decision to not enter into a relationship- or even hookup- with someone I knew was trouble, as Goddess Swift sang at the time. It made me feel like whenever I get close to having even one single solitary hookup with anyone I like in the future, something will usually prevent me from getting to it

For instance, last summer I had my first ever Eurotrip. I had wanted to at least kiss someone during the trip, but nothing had happened yet. My very last night, I was in Madrid and arrived at a language exchange a little late. Almost immediately, a hot guy and I struck up a conversation. He and his friend invited me to join them at a pub long before the language event was over. While we were walking there, the one of them I was not into told me they both thought I was beautiful. Very good sign- right? My negative ass started telling myself that something was going to go wrong, that although a normal person would have a 90%+ likelihood of having a good night in that situation, it was probably only 70% for me. Oh, the guy who I’m not attracted to is probably the one who likes me and his friend is just being his wingman, I thought to myself. The guy who I was very attracted to showed interest though, and I mustered up the courage to tell him twice that I was into him and not his friend. Spoiler alert: it was a good night :)

There are more experiences which have compounded the feeling that a lot of things just won’t work out to get to even the most basic level of anything since Hayden. I know it’s largely a result of me being stranded in a city where I didn’t fit in and where I also didn’t have a traditional job for so long. Logically, I know it’s a result of some very unideal circumstances. I have done a good job of regaining some of my old confidence and positivity, but I’m still working on it. There have been times over the years where I’ve been hopeful, confident, unbothered, and others when I didn’t feel quite like myself and felt like anything even hookup-y was just not going to happen. Even over the past week, I have felt more and more confident after feeling a little negative. Being in a city I love is making me realize a lot is possible, though the first month left me feeling a little off due to the difficulties that not drinking brings me when it comes to opportunities with people at clubs/parties/etc

It's kind of silly to expect everything to begin in college, so if you’re reading this and in college- don’t worry about it. A lot of guys liked me in college who I didn’t like- it’s not as though there weren’t technically other opportunities- I just wasn’t into them and was not going to waste my or their time dating guys I wasn’t interested in. That one other friend in the dorm room with Hayden actually sent me a text a while later telling me he thought I was beautiful, and I thanked him. It was very sweet, but I just wanted to be friends. He couldn’t really look me in the eye the next time we caught up like a year later though, and I felt bad. I’m always honored when someone likes me, even if I don’t feel the same. There is no need for embarrassment

As the title of this post suggests, Hayden unfortunately turned more and more into Darth Vader as time went on. He got more judgmental and mean and alienated a lot of his friends over the years. I stood by him for a long time as his other friends dumped him, but then when I had to move back to where I grew up, he abruptly stopped talking to me. I should have expected it by the way he had treated some of his other friends, but it still shocked me for a while. I was so depressed at the time that I really could have used his support

We rarely talked after that. In one text I admitted I used to like him and he was surprised. I didn’t feel that way and hadn’t for a long time, but I felt the need to be honest. The last time he messaged me, I decided I didn’t really want to talk to him at all again unless it was an emergency. His life has changed a lot and so has mine, and I don’t feel like I know who he is anymore. It has nothing to do with feelings, but rather about his continued potential toxicity towards others. I barely even think about him nowadays, so writing this whole post was a teensy bit odd

Our friendship, despite its downs and complications, was still great in a lot of ways. The good times will always be a treasured part of my college memories. I used to jokingly ask people what friends with detriments would consist of, what the opposite of friends with benefits is. I realize now that maybe I was friends with detriments with Hayden throughout some of our friendship. It was never a situationship and there were definitely no “benefits” involved, but there were some strange negatives and on and off liking. It would make sense that the opposite of FWB would be platonic and difficult- right?

Have a happy Thanksgiving I guess by the way- I hope you enjoyed reading this after getting away from any family members with detriments

Love,

J

[jcbbby]

fuck it. this is a very long probably all over the place post about something that's very personal and I'm honestly shitting myself posting it literally on the internet but I just like, need to vent and talk about it. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm asexual.

and that's really weird to admit. I resent it, honestly. I really dislike this about myself. and it's sort of embarrassing to admit too? especially given the content I create, reblog, and things I say in the tags/on my own posts that would not suggest that about me…

I frequently feel really bad about it in real life and struggle heavily with not feeling adequate enough as a human, or like I’m a bad wife for not having sex as often as my husband probably would like, or that idk I’m defective or something. sometimes I doubt myself and think it’s all in my head or think about if I can do something differently to change it, to “fix” myself. because I DO still find people attractive in general and I do get turned on and feel horny, I like...enjoy thinking about sex and feeling pleasure, but I just…don’t wanna physically have sex with another person about it? like it makes me feel so overwhelmingly guilty if I do pleasure myself, because I'm like "well, my husband is RIGHT THERE though. why don't I want to share this experience with him?"

I’ve always been attracted to people and thought like “wow I want them to ruin me and fuck me senseless immediately” and I can fantasize about having sex and be into it, but then if it comes down to actually acting on it, if I'm with them in the moment and things progress past making out, I’m like “wait, no. actually nevermind, no thank you.”

and it’s shit like that that makes me feel like maybe it’s just anxiety or some other sort of mental thing, or my insecurities with my body that I just need to work through rather than just what it is for me. but I don't think that's the case. like I don't have any trauma or anything like that that would interfere. I think that's just me and who I am.

to me, sex has often felt just awkward. and I mean sure, it can get awkward. but I can’t ever get past that personally. it doesn’t feel natural to me? like with any partners I’ve had. it’s never felt like this primal thing that is intrinsic to me, that makes sense to be doing. I’ve ended up enjoying myself by the end plenty of times (though I have rarely ever finished when having sex aside from maybe a few times...idk sex can still end up being fun for me by the end without finishing. more layers to this fucking dilemma I'm having.) but I just usually overall feel very out of place in a sexual situation and it feels very foreign. the only time I HAVEN'T felt this way, is when on LSD honestly. or like EXTREMELY drunk.

I’ve also been on zoloft for like 5 years now, infamous for decimating libido, and that doesn’t help lmao. but even before I was medicated, I could never really feel interested in the action of sex, I always would say I could go the rest of my life without it.

idk. I just struggle very much with it a lot and feel bad about it literally all the time, especially being married. not that my husband ever makes me feel bad for it, he’s never once been pushy or angry with me about our sex life or lack thereof. I just feel bad for it on my own, because I WANT to want sex like a "normal" partner. but I am what I am. and I think I'm just asexual. and that’s okay. it just doesn't feel okay a lot.

I’m comfortable with the idea of sex I just don’t often want to have it. I can joke about it and talk about it and obviously I can write write/read about it in detail lol but yeah…

idk I just have really been feeling the need to talk about it lately, because I don't feel like I can talk about it with my friends or anything. I've talked about it with my husband of course, but not in depth. he knows that's just how I am and he acknowledges it's not my fault and that he is not upset by it. but he doesn't know how it's been weighing this heavily on me. he made a comment some weeks ago that he didn't mean anything by, it was more just a statement of fact in a joking way about how infrequently we have sex, but it just really inadvertently hurt me and I've just been stuck on it ever since, mentally. because I really don't want things to be this way, but that's just the way they are...unfortunately. it sucks. I shouldn't feel this way, if it's just who I am and lots of other people are similar. but I do.

anyway that’s it. I feel vulnerable and exposed and embarrassed and sad now. but I needed to say it. I should definitely probably see a therapist. bye.

[ariadnes-red-thread]

HELLO!!!!

is me again hehe <3

lately, i've been thinking about how Jesse and how his strong devotion and loyalty translates into a relationship. so i was thinkingggggg, a scenario where Jesse needs to be walked of the edge of a heated situation and needs reassurance that he's it for reader. that he's the man reader wants to be with and will stand be his side.

can be either SFW or NSFW (with agender reader with female parts??? that would make me so happy) what ever is sparking your lovely imagination.

so appreciate and love and am grateful i found your beautiful writing and met such an amazing person <3

Mythos, my dear! Thank you so much for the ask!! I saw your second ask too and I hope I’ve done your beautiful request justice. Jesse is so passionate but that’s exactly what we love about him and the idea of being able to show him that when he was feeling insecure is exactly what he deserves! I completely got carried away with this and ended up writing over 2.5k words (although it’s never enough for Jesse!). I hope you like it! Thank you for celebrating with me, love!

Pairing: Jesse x GN!/Anatomically Female Reader

Warnings: General Creepiness, Threats of Violence, Canon-Typical content, Self-Doubt, Explicit Sexual Content *MINORS DNI*

You finally made it to the bar on a particularly busy night at 79’s. It was way more work than it should have been for a glass of water, but the dance floor that Jesse had kept you glued to all night was hot, and you were parched.

You could still see him through the crowd. His cog tattoo and shaved head helped him stand out among his identical brothers. That and you’d be able to spot his grin anywhere. He was in his civies tonight, a black t-shirt and his lone pair of jeans. Jesse always looked good, but you enjoyed your current vantage point and took a moment to check out the handsome man. You had only been on dating for a few months. Your friend had been hot and heavy with Fives since the moment she met the goateed clone. It had taken her a few tries to convince you to join them on a double date with one of his brothers who Fives insisted you’d like. You hadn’t been expecting much, not because you didn’t like Fives, but simply because you didn’t imagine someone like him could be your type. Jesse had swept you off your feet, though. You hadn’t admitted it to him yet, but you were falling fast. His endearing charm, constant sarcasm, lighthearted take on life, the passion that burned bright through him, and the kindness and understanding he always showed you made it easy to fall. You watched him move under the neon lights, and you felt a wide smile creep across your face. Jesse always seemed to put that smile there.

So it was Jesse and the lights and the music’s fault that you didn’t notice a crowd of people behind you until one of them stumbled into your back. You spun around, ready to apologize for taking up precious bar space before you realized it was a group of nat-borns. Instantly, your defense went up.

It wasn’t often that other civilians wandered into 79’s, and the ones that did were usually there to cause problems. So as you eyed up the stumbling rough and rowdy group, you didn’t have to go looking to know that they were likely trouble. Unfortunately, as Jesse often liked to remind you, with a deep laugh and elbow to your ribs, trouble usually came looking for you.

“Hey,“ The tallest one slurred as he looked you up and down. “Come here often?”

“Yup.” Your reply was curt, and you hoped they would take the hint when you turned back to face the bar.

Instead, a hand came to your shoulder.

“Hey, I was talking to you.” He was suddenly close, his breath rank and hot on your face as he yanked you towards. “You think you’re too good for us.”

“Don’t touch me.” You took a full step away as you warned him.

“Slummin’ it here with all these test tube freaks.” He closed in on you again. “Let me show you what a real man can do.”

You raised your hands, about to shove him backward, when a familiar arm slid over your shoulder. Despite your guard being up, you instantly knew who was next to you.

“Problem here?”

Your eyes didn’t move from the creep, but you could hear the eternal grin on Jesse’s face. You didn’t mistake the grin for carelessness. Instead, you knew it was just Jesse. He was always calm until he wasn’t.

“Ahh, I see. No problem.” The man stumbled back into his friends before muttering under his breath. “Freak fucker.”

“What did you call them?”

Your head snapped up at the sudden change in tone in Jesse’s voice. He wasn’t grinning anymore. His hand left your shoulder as he began to stiffen at your side. The man didn’t realize his mistake as he kept hurling insults your way.

“They’re just another slut for you meat droids. The Republic needs to end the war so they can take you all out with the trash.”

In split seconds, Jesse lept past you. He swung, his fist connecting with the creep’s jaw, sending him reeling backwards. He threw another jab, catching the man with a blow to the nose before he stumbled out of Jesse’s reach.

Your stomach dropped as one of the friends lunged for Jesse, whose gaze was still on the instigator. But never one to be caught off guard, Jesse side-stepped the second man in the same moment he spun, landing a uppercut into the man’s stomach.

You balled your fists, ready to follow Jesse when another hand came to your shoulder. You cocked a fist back but Kix’s voice found you before you could swing.

“You jump in, you just make it worse for him.”

You huffed in response. Kix wasn’t wrong. You knew Jesse could handle a few nat-borns by himself and he would only be distracted if you started to fight. Still, your fist stayed balled by your side.

In the next moment, a flash of red by the door caught your eye. The Courscant Guard was here. They were always close by on busy nights, keeping the peace however they had to. The three clones positioned themselves by the door. You recognized Thorn by his helmet. He posted himself in the corner, a shiny on either on side of him. You knew he wouldn’t intervene unless he had to, but if Jesse kept at it, Thorn wouldn’t have a choice.

Kix saw Thorn too. He set his jaw and dove into the fray. He emerged with an arm wrapped around Jesse’s waist, tugging the scowling man out of the scuffle. Kix turned, tossing his brother away from the seething nat-borns before he spun around to face them again.

“Get out.” Kix pointed to the door. “Or you’re going to have a lot more meat droids to deal with.”

The instigator snarled through a bloody nose and spit at Kix’s feet. Jesse yelled out and charged for the man again. You turned to face him, stepping into his path and putting your hands on his chest. Jesse looked down at you, his face instantly softening just a bit.

“Jesse - we’re leaving now.” The words were an order but your tone was gentle, hoping you could reach the part of him that had just relaxed under your palms.

He frowned, his eyes quickly back on his target. The men were rapidly retreating out the door, with side-glances thrown at the Guards in red. You felt Jesse twitch, like he wanted to chase after them.

“It’s okay, Jess.” Kix’s voice came from behind you now, calm and quiet. “Just let go it.”

“They’re not worth it.” You lifted one palm to Jesse’s face, laying it on his cheek with just enough pressure to coax him into looking at you. “Please, Jesse.”

His hand came up to your forearm, giving you a gentle squeeze.

“Okay,” The words were breathy as they left his mouth. “Okay, okay. You’re right.”

You lifted to meet his lips, capturing him in a quick, grateful kiss.

He exhaled as you pulled away, breaking the brief kiss. You ran your thumb along his cheekbone, tracing the lower rim of his tattoo. Then your hand fell to find his hand at his side.

“Let’s go home.”

You tugged him towards the exit. As you pulled Jesse out of the club, you threw on glance back to search over his shoulder, quickly finding the familiar eyes of Kix. He tilted his head in question, and you nodded in reassurance. He smiled back and raised his glass in a grateful salute before he turned back to the dancefloor. Jesse followed you to the door in a daze. The adrenaline of the fight had worn off, and he hung almost limp as he drifted behind you.

By the time you got back to your apartment, Jesse was almost catatonic. His lids hung heavy over his eyes as he sank onto the edge of your bed. He hadn’t said a word since you left 79’s. You were starting to get worried. Rather than press him to talk, you went to the kitchen and got a wet washcloth. Returning to find him unmoved in the bedroom, you knelt before him. Coaxing him to take off his shoes, you placed them next to yours at the end of the bed. Then you turned your attention to his bruised knuckles. Taking his calloused hand in yours, you started to dab at the scrapped skin.

“You… you don’t have to do that.” Jesse stuttered as he finally spoke.

“I’m happy to, Jesse.” You tried to smile up at him but his sleepy gaze had turned into a wide eyed stare and it caught you off guard.

“No, I mean you shouldn’t have to do that.” He yanked his hand out of yours.

You barely had time to wonder at his sudden movement before he was up on his feet, pacing across your small bedroom.

“Jesse, talk to me.” You kept your voice gentle, not out of fear but out of caring. You wanted him to know you were there for him.

“You deserve better, you know.”

You frowned but before you could protest, Jesse spoke again, never breaking his relentless stride.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a hothead. All I know is how to fight.” Jesse ran his fingers over his broken knuckles. “You deserve more than that.”

He finally stopped his pacing as he caught his form in the full length mirror that hung on your wall. His frown grew as he studied himself.

“Look at me.” His shoulders slumped and his eyes fell to the floor. “I was bred for this. Bred to be a soldier and that’s all I’ll ever be.”

You quickly clambered to your feet. He didn’t move from his position in front of the mirror. You stood behind him, savoring his closeness for a moment. You wrapped your arms around him at his waist and pulled him in tight to you.

“I love your fire, Jesse. I love that you’re a fighter.”

He let out a single dry laugh. It was so soulless, so unlike Jesse. You held him a little closer.

“Look at you, Jesse.” You settled your head on his shoulder, stretching to peer at your combined reflections. “You want to know what I see?”

He finally raised his head, hesitantly meeting your eyes.

“I see how passionately you care, how you love so strongly that you would go to war for those you care about. Your brothers know that. They love and respect you for that. But that fire isn’t all you are.”

“You can make me smile on the hardest of days. You keep calm in far more situations than you give yourself credit for. You like to pretend you don’t care but I can see how deeply you do.” You dug your fingers into his shirt, gripping his ribs, trying to convey how much you wanted him. “Don’t ever say you’re just a soldier. You’re so much more than that, Jesse.”

Jesse’s eyes were shining as his reflection stared back at you. He took your arm from his waist and tugged you in front of him, his eyes never leaving yours in the mirror. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders folding you into his warmth. You reached up and held onto his arms like he was the only liferaft in the sea. He started to grin again. You leaned your head back into him with a sigh and a smile.

“I’m so lucky to have met you.” Jesse murmured as he kissed the top of your head.

“We’re both lucky.”

You turned your head to lay a gentle kiss on his bicep. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see the smirk on his face widen just a little. He pressed a kiss to your neck. And then another. You tilted your head, giving him more access to your sensitive flesh. One of hands that laid across your chest searched out your pert nipple and began to tease it gently through the rough fabric of your shirt. You leaned back into him with a soft moan, grinding your hips against him, feeling him harden behind you. Jesse’s lips found your ear.

“Oh, cyare,” Jesse’s words were dark and husky. “You don’t know what you do to me.”

His other hand snaked its way down your front, finding the waistline of your pants. Jesse pushed the fabric aside, sinking one knuckle into your already wet center.

“See what you do to me.” You breathlessly muttered. “Jesse, I need you.”

His hands jumped to your waist to find the hem of your shirt. Gentle fingers traced a line up your side, gathering your shirt as he went. Jesse paused at your mid-waist and looked at you. You nodded, giving him permission to proceed. He whipped the top off of you in the next moment. You spun to face him, needy for the feeling of his skin on yours. You tugged at the ends of his shirt, and he quickly obliged. You ran your hands over his chest, savoring the warmth of his skin and the sturdy build of his muscles.

Jesse bent to meet you and quickly captured your lips in his, kissing you deeply. He still tasted like a hint of whiskey. His tongue swirled with yours in a bruising fury and you felt yourself craving more of him. You broke apart for a moment, both turning your attention to your pants. The last bits of clothing was quickly removed and kicked aside.

Jesse spun you around to face the mirror and then pressed his wide palm on the small of your back, coaxing you into bending over. You gave into his directions, bringing a hand to the wall on either side of the mirror. You felt him run his length along your aching slit. You let out a breathy moan as he brushed along your clitoris, your head falling and eyes closing at the glorious friction.

“Oh no, cyare,” Jesse’s back was suddenly pressed against you, and his hand was on your jaw. He guided your head back up so you were staring into his deep brown eyes.

“That’s it,” he nipped at your neck as he stood again, lining himself up. “Let me see those eyes.”

You stared up at him, meeting his dark look in the mirror. His pupils were blown. Jesse stood again, towering over you. You bit your lip as you studied the breathtaking man for the briefest moment.

Then he entered you. His member filled you, reaching your furthest depths at this angle. The ache of being so full was quickly replaced by a overwhelming pleasure as Jesse’s hand snaked its way around you, deftly finding your already sensitive nub again. He teased small circles as he slowly began to move, dragging his cock from you before swiftly entering you again. Soon, his hips pistoned into you and you pushed back off of the wall, meeting him with every stroke. His other hand held your hip on a strong grip. You cried out his name as a wave of orgasm overtook you. Jesse followed behind, filling you as he finished.

You stood up and swayed on weak legs. Jesse quickly gathered you into his chest, showering your shoulders with kisses.

“Thank you.” He whispered against your skin.

“Always.” You sighed, leaning back into him. The next words left your mouth before you even considered them. “I love you, Jesse.”

Your stomach dropped for a moment. You knew you meant it but maybe it was too soon, too early. Before you could take it back, you looked to him in the mirror. His dark brown eyes found your suddenly wide ones and they were bright, all lust replaced with a vast joy. He quickly spun you to face him. Cupping your face in his hands, he tilted you up towards him.

“I love you too.”

His lips captured yours and his hands fell to wrap around your waist. Your heart soared as he squeezed you tighter to him.

“Now come on,” Jesse smirked before he stepped backwards, tuggiing you towards the bed. “I’m not done with you yet.”

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Okay one shot idea for Mikey! 🐢🧡💚

Mikey has a crush on reader, but too afraid to say anything. One night rooftop Convo, Mikey confides to reader asking if they think anyone could ever one day find him desirable and sexy, because Donnie has had Vee for so long and most hans they accidentally interact with react mostly to Raph and pay attention to him or Leo. He starts steering the conversation to generalized attraction questions to see what reader thinks and prefers.

Reader really really has it bad for Mikey, but terrified of being too forward to the youngest purehearted innocent brother everyone is protective over and doesn't want to scare him off or make him feel horribly uncomfortable, and tries to keep their answers PG to respect Mikey but fires back with questions of their own trying to feel out Mikey's preferences and stances on things.

Little by little Mikey shows his more risque adult side with his answers and language that takes reader by surprise and attracts them that much harder,

Both of them take forever beating around the bush with their answers cause their both terrified of coming forward to each other but they start bonding more and more until reader finally gets bold and makes the first move - but in a very classy and respectful way - toward Mikey, melting Mikey's heart and having him square up at full height standing over reader and giving the moves back like a gentlemen but in a very Mikey way - being goofy, but still manly.

Reader confesses to what about Mikey they find as a thirst trap, why (to booster his believing them after so much self-insecurity) , and how long they've been thirsting for him.

Sorry it's so long XD. I hope it's not over done. I'm bad at asks. Lolol

You wrote a novel of an ask, but because you're the dear sweet Ravn, I'll gladly write that up for you 🧡🧡🧡 awuwuwuwuwuwuwu

it’s gonna be a bit more sfw than what was asked for, but simply because I let this small fic take the lead and it’s just so wholesome~

Someone Like You (Mikey x F!Reader)

(Mentions of my OC, Vee)

He asked you to meet him on top of an old, vacant apartment building, the flat roof overlooking a somewhat calmer part of the city. Those little escapades were not too uncommon for the terrapin to propose, but were often the promise of discussions that would lead until late into the night. Speaking with him was easy, and Mikey had found that same comfort over time in confiding to you as well. It wasn’t much, but felt needed - considering the life his family and he were living.

You heard a ‘thud’ and a roll, soon enough Mikey’s frame popping right next to you with a bright smile and slightly panting.

“Parkour!” he simply declared with a quick chuckle.

“Show-off,” you teased back with a gentle slap on his shoulder.

In no time you were both seated by the edge of the roof, feet dangling in the open and watching any cars, pedestrians, or anything of the like go by. Whether it was to compliment any aspects of them or creating outlandish stories, that activity often brought the two of you into a laughing fit, and even for you to lock your arm around his, head resting against his shoulder. It was a small gesture, but the sweetness of it would bring that tiny squeeze in Mikey’s heart; one that was more akin to sadness than joy. He paused, gaze lost on the horizon - but most frankly because he didn’t want to look at you while he was speaking next:

“Hey, uh... do you think I’d ever find someone interested in me?”

You looked up to him, arching a brow.

“Where’s that question coming from?”

He lightly shrugged: “I dunno... I’ve just been thinking about some stuff lately. Everything’s just so mixed up and messed up.”

“Aight, what’s up, coconut? Gimme the deets.”

The ghost of a smile crossed his lips, somehow feeling a bit more relaxed and open.

“Meeting people is not really something my brothers and I will get the chance to do often. ... I mean, Donnie got lucky with Vee; two dorks in a pod. And have you seen Raph and Leo? Those two could probably get swarms of people adoring them if we were out in the open.”

“What’s different for you then?”

“I’m the stupid baby brother,” he sighed sharply. “... I know I’m not the tallest, not the handsomest, not the strongest, not the whatever-est! ... I’m just that goofy mutant people will choose last.”

“Woah, woah, woahh,” you stopped him, your frown now formed. “Says who?”

Mikey’s thoughts raced, trying to think of a good answer, broadly gesturing the scenery before them.

“Fuck if I know! The world? Beauty standards? Hollywood? Humanity? Y’know what I mean? We’re not really the most normal choice for any human being.”

“And yet you have Vee with Donatello. Isn’t that proof that you might be wrong?”

The terrapin’s stature slumped a little: “Yeah but Donnie’s smart. That’s already better than me.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” you tsked, somehow feeling powerless against any and all of his excuses.

That brought a silence in the conversation, the tension weighing on you both a little. That pause did bring an idea to Mikey’s mind, looking back at you with a shy smile, trying to ease the mood.

“Hey, you’re a human-” that made you snort a little. “-What’s your preferences in terms of partner? Maybe that’ll help me figure out what I need to aim for so I can woo the ladies.”

Your features were now relaxed, slightly shaking your head: “Mikey, you shouldn’t change for anyone in the world.”

“Ay, whatever, now answer the question.”

You were now sweating bullets internally. For quite some time now your feelings had started to blossom for the turtle and you had been struggling to approach the subject in a natural, non-awkward way. Maybe this was finally the chance?

“I like them strong. And funny. And compassionate. And cute.”

“Now that’s too broad,” commented Michelangelo. “Tell me something more specific.”

“Will you stop complaining!” you replied in an exasperate, yet still amused tone. “Just give me a moment to think, jeez louise.”

Seeing how he seemed amused by your small desperation, you nudged his arm.

“While I’m thinking about it, what about you?” you questionned. “Surely you must have some preferences as well.”

The terrapin’s smile grew in a shy fashion: “That wouldn’t be fair of me to have certain standards,” he started. “I can’t really be picky when it comes to my situation, ya know?”

He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, keeping you close as he extended his other arm up to give emphasis to his words: “But I have three words: Funny. Caring. Sexy.”

You looked up to him, unimpressed: “Now that’s too broad,” you quoted him back.

That brought him into a laughing fit, which you joined in no time. In that moment you enjoyed the proximity, finding comfort against his scales and humming in small contentment as the hilarity died down.

“... This is what I like,” you started softly. “Spending moments like this with someone I care about.”

You felt Mikey’s body tense up a bit, although he never moved his arm from around you. Meeting his baby blue eyes seemed to calm him a bit, your tender smile reassuring any concerns he might have had at the moment.

“You... you mean it?” he added tentatively.

“Since quite a while, yeah,” you confessed. “I mean ... how could I even resist that body, hot damn!” adding next with amusement.

“Oh you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, sugar tits.”

That made you laugh again, catching you off-guard. Feeling him nuzzle your hair simply reinforced that sensation of goodness, as if you were floating on a cloud. Bringing your attention back to him again, you moved a hand to his cheek, this sweet, tender motion getting a small churr out of Mikey - especially when your thumb started to slowly stroke his scales.

“You see?” you started once more. “You don’t have to change for anybody. ... You’re perfect the way you are, Mikey. All I need is someone like you.”

He was lost in thoughts for a second, rewinding the conversation you two just had.

“... You think I’m strong, funny, compassionate and cute?”

Your smile was now warm, knowing he was listing back what you said earlier.

“Of course, silly! I just had you in mind when I said that.”

You saw him move his free hand, leaving a finger to the side of his throat, were a pulse would be at. He frowned lightly:

“... Aight, I’m still alive. This ain’t heaven. Coolcoolcoolcool, cooooool.”

“Did I say something wrong?” you added, slightly nervous.

Mikey was quick to react: “Goddamn, no! This is probably the second best day of my life, ever!”

“What’s the first?”

He grinned: “When I discovered pizza, duh.”

“Oh, oh sure, yes. How could I ever forget about the divine food of the gods,” you replied, mokcing a serious tone.

His hold on you squeezed a little more, bringing you both closer.

“Now you’re speaking my language. We’re truly made for one another,” he added, trying to sound flirty.

This amusement felt so natural and comfortable, it was pretty much a no brainer when you closed the remaining small distance and gave a first kiss to his lips. The mutant was surprised at first, but easily complied as his heart threatened to burst out of his chest. As you both paused, keeping close, a whisper left your lips:

“I like you, Mikey.”

To which he replied in a similar tone, before kissing you again: “I like you too.”

[musings-of-a-rose]

Light Me Up - Chapter 9

Pairing: Benjamin “Benny” Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 6200+

Rating: M for mature - 18+ only!

Warnings: Mature themes and some canon mentioned. Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

Notes: I’ve been DEEP in my Benny feels for DAYS (do I ever really leave?). I’ve been putting off writing Benny because he has a finite ending now and I’m not ready 😭 officially it will have 11 chapters and an epilogue (which is optional but I have to write certain things because I”m being self indulgent).

Thanks to @theewokingdead for a certain hat move in the chapter. You know which one.

The song mentioned in this chapter is Timing is Everything and is sung by Garrett Hedlund himself.

**Reader is ethnicity inclusive despite stock photo bias

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

<<Chapter 8

Light Me Up Masterlist

General Masterlist

He knew he fucked up the second the words left his mouth. The slap to his face was less than he deserved - your words, not yelled but spoken with hurt and anger, had felt like a dagger to his heart. And he deserved every ounce of it.

He knew. He knew deep down that there was no way you were sleeping with Will. You weren’t at all like Ruby. You didn’t even know what had happened.

You didn’t even know.

Fuck, why didn’t he tell you? Embarrassment? That Will once again got something over him? No. It was fear. Fear that she would have seen this raw, tender side of him and poke it, lay it out and point at it and laugh, or even repeat the past as if to say “See? You’re never going to be good enough.”

He should have told you.

You would never hurt him. Ruby said the same thing but you were different. Sincere. True. Loyal. The opposite in every way, in all the good ways, and he repaid that by letting one of his biggest insecurities bubble up and out, unable to contain it any further, afraid that history was repeating itself, and he spat it in your face.

He should have told you.

Benny storms out and makes his way to Frankie’s house. He’s welcomed in, although he doesn’t feel that he deserves it. Frankie sits with him at the kitchen table, handing him a beer as he sits.

“What happened, Benny?”

“I fucked it up.” He takes a sip.

“How?”

Benny sighs. “I asked her if she was fuckin’ Will.”

Frankie punches his friend in the arm, hard. “What the fuck did you do that for?”

“Ow! Aren’t you supposed to be my friend?”

“Yeah I am. Which means I’ll tell you when you’re being a dumbass.”

“I know, I know. I just…”

“What happened?”

Benny takes a drink before setting the bottle down, picking at the label as he avoids looking at Frankie. “I came home a bit late from the last fight. Ran into traffic. Anyway when I came in, I heard my name and she shot up from the couch, sitting right next to Will. Like I caught her in something. She was nervous and I just…all of it came out like, I don’t know..word vomit or somethin’. I went off on Will and she was just trying to get us from punchin’ each other and I just…” He wipes at his eyes, feeling the tears start to build.

Frankie is quiet for a moment. “Have you told her about Ruby?”

Benny shakes his head. “Too scared.”

Frankie puts his hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezes, getting Benny to look up at him, eyes lined with tears.

“You need to tell her, Benny. She’ll understand.”

“I know she will. But I don’t deserve her. Not after all the shit I’ve done in my life.”

Frankie squeezes harder. “You’re a fuckin’ idiot. Don’t you think we all feel that way? That I feel that way about Monica? There’s not a day that goes by that I don't think that. I know I don’t deserve her. She’s understanding, kind, hot as shit, and she’s too good for me.”

“Then how do you stay?”

“Because, for some reason, she loves me. Me. She chose me and somehow I make her happy. And she deserves to be happy. And I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life making sure she’s happy.”

Benny nods and looks down, stifling a sob.

“Sparks is a good woman, Benny. I know if you talk to her, tell her the truth, she’ll understand.”

“Yeah, but will she…will she forgive me?”

Frankie studies his friends’ face, seeing his brows raised and furrowed with worry, a single tear sliding down his cheek. “There’s only one way to find out, Ben.”

—----

You hadn’t moved from your bed the entire night. Your eyes were scratchy and dry, sore and puffy from crying nearly the entire night until you had passed out from exhaustion, catching only a few hours of restless sleep. Your phone bings and you groan, reaching out to grab it and check the notification, just in case it was a client.

Mark: You still coming over for lunch today?

You groan again, having completely forgotten your plans with your brother.

Raincheck? I didn’t sleep well last night.

Mark: Everything ok?

Yeah everything’s fine.

Mark: …. What happened?

How does he manage to see through me?

Nothing. I’m good.

Mark: Sparks, I know you. What’s wrong?

I hate that you know me so well

Mark: Comes with big brother territory. What’s wrong? Is it Benny?

You don’t answer, new tears managing to spring up from somewhere and a minute later, your phone bings again.

Mark: It is, isn’t it? Did your confession not go as planned?

No. More like it never happened.

Mark: Shit. What happened?

I don’t want to talk about it right now

Mark: I’m coming over

What? No Mark, I’m fine.

Mark: No you’re not. I can see it even in text. I’m coming over.

No seriously, don’t. I’ll be ok.

Mark: You’re my sister and you’re hurt. I’m coming.

No, Mark, really. I just want to be alone.

Mark: I’m getting my shoes on

Seriously, Mark. I just want to be by myself. At least today. Just please, let me be.

You toss your phone down, hoping that he would respect your wishes. A few minutes goes by and your phone rings. Reaching for your phone, you prepare to demand your brother stay home, or at least bring the good ice cream. As you flip it over, the ringtone finally permeates your ears - it’s Benny.

Your stomach tightens, flipping over itself while tying in knots as you choke back tears, staring down at the picture of you and him on the screen, Benny’s smile lighting up the photo while you kiss his cheek.

The ringtone cuts off and you blink at the screen, holding the phone tightly in your hand. Should I have answered it? About a minute later, your phone chimes and you see a voicemail notification. You throw your phone down on the bed as you start to cry again, pulling your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around them.

About 20 minutes later, you hear a knock at your door.

“Sparks? It’s me.”

Wiping your face, you make your way to the front door and open it to find Mark, clutching a carton of your favorite ice cream and a bag that smells like french fries.

“Hey, sis.”

“I’ll allow it,” you say, a hint of a smile trying to tug at the corners of your mouth before it disappears as you reach for the ice cream and beckon Mark inside.

He follows you into the kitchen as you set the carton on the table and move to get out some bowls. Mark places a hand on your arm and you turn to look at him.

“Sit. I’ll get it.”

Knowing it was pointless to argue, you nod and sit at the table, taking a few fries from the bag while you wait. Mark returns with 2 bowls and spoons, scooping you each out a bowl and adding an extra scoop to yours. You smile your thanks and start to eat, the cold sweet taste swirling around your mouth and making you feel a little better. Mark doesn’t say a word, doesn’t ask you anything, just sits and waits for you.

Once you finish your ice cream, you sigh, taking a sip of water before you tell Mark what happened, how you had gone over intending to tell Benny you loved him, how nervous you were, how he was late, and how he blew up at Will, finally asking you if you were sleeping with him.

“And then I slapped him, hard, and told him no but the audacity of him to even think I would? I couldn’t even look at him so I bolted.”

Mark is quiet for a moment. “What do you want, Sparks?”

“I- what?”

“You. What do you want to happen?”

“I-I-I was expecting advice, or bashing or something.”

Mark shakes his head. “I have my thoughts, but I want to know where yours are.”

“Ugh, I hate when you’re smart and intuitive.”

He smiles and pushes the bag of fries towards you while you think, chewing slowly as you take your time.

“I love him, Mark.”

“I know.”

You look down at your hands, picking at your nails. “Do you think…do you think he doesn’t love me?”

“I can’t speak for Benny, but I think the problem is he loves you too much and is afraid to lose you.”

A sob erupts from your mouth and Mark puts his arm around you as you bury your face into his shoulder, soaking his shirt with your tears. He lets you cry for a few minutes, gently rubbing your back.

“You still haven’t answered my question, Sparks. What do you want to happen?”

“I-” you sniff and Mark hands you a napkin for your face. “-I want to know why he thinks that. There’s obviously been some sort of issue between them.”

Mark nods. “Yeah you had mentioned thinking that before. But say he tells you - then what?”

“I love him, Mark…..and when I sit and think about my future, I just..see…him.”

“I think that’s your answer, sis.”

“But I’m still so…mad that he would ever think that I…UGH!” You slam your hand on the table.

“Maybe wait a few days before talking to him.”

You glare at your brother for a moment. “Actually, he already called.”

“What? You didn’t say-”

“I didn’t answer. He left a voicemail.”

“What did it say?”

“I..don’t know. I haven’t listened.”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes….no…I don’t know. I’m just so mad, Mark.”

“It’s ok to take your time.”

—----

Mark stayed with you for a few hours, making sure you ate and took a shower. But when he left, the pain you felt grew louder, the anger and sadness battling for domination inside you. Eventually, you fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning, sweat drenching your sheets.

You didn’t listen to the voicemail.

The next day, after lunch, your phone bings. Taking a bite of your sandwich, you pick it up and nearly drop it.

World’s Best Lover🔥: Sparks - I’m so sorry. I know you’re mad, and you have every right to be. But just let me know you’re ok? Please?

You throw your phone down on the table and walk into the other room, aggressively eating the rest of your lunch in front of the tv.

That night as you brush your teeth, the phone bings again. You don’t rush to it, taking your time to finish your bedtime routine before heading back to your nightstand and flipping the phone over.

World’s Best Lover🔥: Please. Just need to know you’re safe. I’m sorry, Sparks.

You turn the phone on airplane mode and get into bed.

—----

5 days have passed since the fight. Benny still sends you random texts but Mark had called you and explained that Benny had called him to check on you and he confirmed that you were safe. Otherwise Benny most likely would’ve shown up at your place and he figured you’d want to be the one controlling that.

On the 6th day, there’s a knock at your door. Hesitating, you quietly walk over and look through the peephole to see….Frankie?

Opening the door, Frankie stands there before you, hands on his hips and cocked to one side.

“Frankie? What are you doing here? Is everyone ok?”

“Uh, yeah. Well, no. I mean, physically, yeah. Can I come in?”

You hold the door open wider and gesture for him to come in. Leading him to the couch, you offer him a drink but he passes so you sit on the couch too.

“What’s up, Frankie?”

His soft brown eyes search yours, looking for something. “It’s Benny.”

“Is he ok? Has something happened?”

“Yeah. He’s a fuckin’ idiot, that’s what happened.”

You scoff. “That’s an understatement.”

“Look, Sparks. I know I don’t have a right to insert myself into your..relationship. And I don’t plan to. Benny doesn’t know I’m here, but-”

“Do you know what happened?”

Frankie nods. “Yeah.”

“Then you know why I’m angry.”

“And you have every right to be. But there’s things you don’t know, things Benny should’ve told you. And he wants to tell you.”

You say nothing, choosing to avoid his piercing gaze and pick at your leggings.

“Like I said, he doesn’t know I’m here, and would probably kill me if he knew. But if you want to know, just…just check your voicemail.”

“He left it on a voicemail?”

“Just…check it.”

He gives you a comforting smile. “He’s really sorry, Sparks. I’ve never seen him this way before.”

“Thanks for coming, Frankie. You’re a good friend.”

He nods and stands, walking over to the door with you behind him.

“For what it’s worth, Sparks - I’ve never seen him look at anyone else the way he looks at you. Benny just…he’s been through some shit. It’s hard for him to express things. Which is probably why he beats the crap out of people for a living…But the way he talks about you? And looks at you? That’s only ever been for you. And from what I’ve seen? You look at him the exact same way. Don’t let this fight break that. It’s worth fighting for.”

Tears start welling in your eyes and Frankie’s smile drops and he looks frantic. “Oh God I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you cry- please don’t!”

You start laughing at the sheer panic in his voice, over the top to try and make you laugh as a laugh erupts from his lips.

“Thank you, Frankie. Say hi to Monica and Paili for me.”

–

Walking back inside, you find your phone and sit on your bed, crossing your legs as you sit in the middle. Navigating to voicemail, you hover over the play button for a moment before tapping it.

Hey, Sparks. I uh, I didn’t expect you to pick up. Look, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I never should’ve behaved that way. I don’t think you’re sleeping with him, I just….something’s happened before and I..sigh…I need to tell you some stuff. I know I’m the last person you want to talk to right now, but if you could find it in yourself to hear me out, then meet me at Maitland Lake Park on Thursday at 1pm. I…I hope you come. I’m sorry.

You listen to the message several times, just wanting to hear him. Tears crept down your cheeks at his low voice, calm but trembling as he left you the message -

Wait, did he say Thursday? That’s tomorrow!

—----

Deciding to take an Uber to the park, just in case you were a hot mess on the way back and shouldn’t drive, you tap your fingers on the car seat, your eyes on the clock. You’re late. You couldn’t decide on which sundress to wear, as if it matters. You’re gonna be late and he’s gonna think you don’t care…

The car pulls up to the area with the picnic pavilions, just in front of the docks for Maitland Lake. Handing the driver a tip, you grab your bag and get out of the car, scanning the pavilions for any sign of Benny.

“You came.”

His voice hits you right in the chest, the pain that you had been choking back the last several days rips free and you swallow the lump in your throat before turning around. He’s wearing a simple pair of shorts and a t-shirt, a hat on his head, the right way around for once, that he lifts to shift his hair around. That fucker knows how much I love when he does that. Your eyes find his and for a second, you have to remind yourself that you don’t get to run into his arms like normal.

“I did.”

If anyone were near you, they’d surely feel the tension in the air, the unsaid words swirling around between you, creating invisible barricades.

“I uh…I got us a boat.”

“You got a boat?” Momentarily forgetting you were mad, you perked up. “I didn’t know you could drive a boat.”

“Yeah, a guy that bets on my fights let me borrow it. He has like 8 of them. Driving it isn’t that hard. Lot easier to crash a car than a boat. Less things to hit.”

“I suppose so.”

Another few moments of silence pass. “If you’re comfortable coming with me, I’ve brought a lunch to eat on the boat?”

You look up into his bright blue eyes and cave immediately. “Yeah. Yeah of course. Lead the way.”

Benny smiles and reaches out for you, but remembers, his arm stretched halfway out for you before he pulls it back, muttering “sorry” under his breath as he starts to walk down to the docks. Following in his wake, you look at all the boats as you pass, wondering what kind of boat he borrowed if the man had 8 of them.

It was a beautiful catamaran style boat, with a large cabin. It has a sitting deck on top complete with booth seats. Benny hops onto the boat and then turns to offer you his hand. Hesitating briefly, you reach out, taking his hand as he helps you on board.

“I’ll get her started up if you want to look around? I’ll let you know when I’m about ready to move.”

Nodding, you glance around the outside of the boat, noting there’s also seats at the back. Deciding to head inside first, you head through a doorway into an extremely luxurious cabin. It has an actual galley style kitchen, a dining booth and table large enough to seat 8 people, a couch and tv, and you see another 2 doors towards the stern. Opening one and you find a full bathroom and the other leads to a small bedroom, just big enough to house a king sized bed and a couple built in nightstands and small closets.

Heading back outside, you find a bench to sit on as Benny calls to you that he’s ready. He drives the boat out of the marina and out onto the large lake. He drives for a bit, and you enjoy the breeze, a slight mist of water every now and again. You loved boats but hadn’t been on one in years and part of you wonders if he remembered you telling him that. About 30 minutes later, he slows the boat down and eventually drops anchor, heading back to where you sit.

“Follow me? Please?”

You stand and follow him into the cabin and sit at the kitchen table across from him. For a few moments, he sits there, not looking at you and it seems like he’s gathering his thoughts.

“Sparks, I-I had no right to speak to you that way, and I'm so sorry. It’s just that-” he sighs “-ok let me start over.” You watch him, the furrow between his brow, his nervous shifting, the way he’s always moving some part of him, and the hurt you can tell is just below the facade he wears.

“I guess there’s 2 parts to this, really. The first part is that my whole life I’ve been passed over. Just Will’s younger brother who can’t sit still. Will always got the best grades, rarely got in trouble and when he did, it was usually for defending me. He was the prodigal son. He could do no wrong. I was always being compared to him. ‘Benny, why can’t you be like Will?’ ‘Benny, why don’t you like tomatoes? Will loves tomatoes.’ My whole life was just one big comparison. I mean, I love my parents, I do, but I always felt like the runner up, never quite good enough.”

Before you could stop yourself, you reach out and place your hand over the fist he had made and rub little circles into it. Benny looks down at your hand in disbelief, but it seems to give him the courage to keep going.

“The second part involves girls. I dated a bit in my life, but nothing ever truly serious. Girls came and went and that’s just how it was. Until I met Ruby. This was several years ago, when we were still in Delta Force. I thought she was special. We dated for a while and then I brought her to meet everyone. Well, she took a shinin’ to my brother right away and I thought ‘awesome my brother and my girlfriend are getting along so well!’. But as the weeks went on, I started seeing little things that I had passed off. Lite touches here and there, laughing at not great jokes, little arm grabs, compliments, etc. Will started to seem a little protective of her, but I tried to tell myself it was because she’s my girlfriend, so like family.” He swallows hard, feeling you rub circles into the back of his hand.

“I came home one day and they were on the couch. The second the door opened they flew apart, but it’s hard to hide loose buttons and belt buckles being open.”

“Oh, Benny, I-”

“I’m not done.”

Shocked, you close your mouth and wait for him to continue.

He takes a deep, trembling breath. “Apparently, they’d been talking for a while, finding out they had a lot in common over the last several weeks. They had only just started hooking up when I had left town for a couple weeks for a refresher course for a task I had in Delta Force.”

“Fuck.”

“There’s more.”

You give his hand a little squeeze, letting him know you’re there for him.

“Of course Ruby and I broke up, but she immediately got with Will. Which, I guess I expected. It hurt, having to watch them together. I thought I’d gotten over it…until they got engaged.”

He pauses for a moment. “I was pissed, Sparks. I know I should’ve supported my brother, but I was pissed. He got the one girl I had cared about, the one thing in my life that was mine, to marry him. I didn’t talk to him for a long while, until he showed up on my doorstep a few years ago. They’d split and he had nowhere else to go. I wasn’t just gonna let my brother sleep on the street, so I let him stay. We hadn’t talked about it until the day after I blew up at you.”

His blue eyes finally find yours, and they’re extra shiny, brimming with tears. “When I saw you fly up from that couch, I had flashbacks to Ruby. When I asked if you were fuckin’ my brother, all I could see was her. I knew I had fucked up the second the words were out. I deserve much more than what you did. I was just so afraid of losing you, Sparks. It wasn’t until I met you that I realized I never truly loved Ruby. Not really. Cared deeply for her, but not loved. I guess I never told you any of this because I thought you’d judge me or somethin’. And then time just passed.”

You let go of his hand and stand up, Benny’s eyes flashing with concern. But you walk around the table and slide in next to him, pulling him to you in a tight hug. All the tension leaves his body and he slumps against you, holding on tight as you both cry.

“I thought I’d lost you, Sparks.”

“Sshh I'm right here.”

A few minutes goes by before Benny pushes back, sniffing and drying his eyes on his shirt by lifting it to his face, giving you a glimpse of his tummy.

“I uh, I have something I want to share with you. It’s something I learned to do that no one knows about. Not even Will. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to keep it secret but I have.”

Interested, you cock your head to the side as Benny stands up, turning to you.

"Come with me?" He holds out his hand to you and you take it. His large hand feels warm to your cold one and you internally sigh at the touch, having missed him.

He leads you to the bedroom and asks you to sit on the bed. He opens a closet door and pulls out a black guitar case, setting it down on the bed and opening it, taking out a beautiful black acoustic guitar. He puts the case on the floor and settles himself on the bed, strumming the instrument and turning a few of the pegs. He clears his throat as he positions his fingers, taking a deep breath as he starts to play a slow melody. After a few measures, he starts to sing, deep and soulful, pouring himself in the lyrics. Tears quietly fall down your face as you listen to his beautiful voice, goosebumps erupting across your skin as he continues to bear his soul to you.

“You can call it fate

Or destiny

Sometimes it really seems like it’s a mystery

Cause you can be hurt by love

Or healed by the same

Timing is everything

It can happen so fast

Or a little bit late

Timing is everything”

His playing fades out and he rests his fingers on the guitar for a moment before turning his eyes up to meet yours.

“I love you, Sparks. I love you more than anythin’.” He looks nervous, fingers picking at the guitar as he waits for you to say something, anything. It’s like he expects you to laugh, throw it back in his face, tell him off for saying the things he did and then confessing his feelings, despite explaining everything and apologizing.

You stand, holding his gaze as you walk around the bed and stand in front of him, softly placing your hands on the guitar and silently asking if you can take it. He hands it to you and you turn, gently placing the guitar in its case and closing the lid, latching it closed. Turning back to face him, you see the tear paths down his cheeks as he expects the worst. You sit on the bed in front of him, angling your body to face him as you take his large hand in yours, placing it palm up and tracing little circles into it.

“You have the most gorgeous voice I’ve ever heard. You…you’re amazing, Benny. I know it took a lot of courage to do it and I am beyond honored that you shared this with me.”

He gives you a small smile, wiping away a tear on his cheek.

“Do you want to know why I was so nervous that night you came home?”

He says nothing but watches your face, so you continue.

“I was giddy, nervously excited because I had just realized it earlier and had planned on telling you the moment you got home…I fucking love you, Benjamin Miller.”

He lets out a breath and it sounds like a chuckle of relief, some more tears finding their way down not just his cheeks but yours as well.

“You’re the first person I’ve ever truly loved. I thought I’d been in love before, but never like this. You are the most important thing in my life and I love you. It’s always going to be you - you never have to worry about that. I’m not going anywhere. You have my heart, Benny.”

His free hand finds your cheek and cups it, brushing away tears with his thumb.

“Can I kiss you, Sparks?”

“You’d better fucking kiss me.”

He chuckles as he surges forward, his lips finding yours and melting into you, turning his head to slot his nose alongside yours. He's hesitant at first, letting you make the first move to deepen the kiss. In response, you grip his shirt, fisting your hands in the fabric as you pull him closer, your tongue sliding in his mouth to graze over his bottom teeth. His hands slide around to the back of your head cradling it as he kisses you, a little moan escaping both of your lips.

Without breaking the kiss, he pushes you back, laying you down on the bed as he hovers over you. Your hands move from his shirt to his back, scratching at it over the fabric. His lips leave yours to kiss down your neck, finding your sweet spot and sucking a hickey there as you whine under him.

“Oh shit, Benny,” your voice is breathless as he lets go of your neck with a plop.

He nips at your chin before kissing down to your cleavage, pausing at the obstruction.

“I can take it off-”

Benny shakes his head as he shifts further down you, lifting the edge of your dress up, his fingertips brushing your thighs and lighting up your core. He lays the edge of your dress on your stomach and glances up at you for confirmation, chuckling at the fervent way you’re nodding.

“Please, Benny.”

“Yes ma’am.”

His fingers grip the edges of your underwear and slide them off, tossing them on top of his guitar case. He stares down at you, his face partially obstructed by his hat. He pushes against your inner thighs, getting you to spread your legs further as he continues to stare.

He grabs his hat and spins it around so the bill is facing backwards. He flashes you a smirk, winking at you with his broken wink that you love so much, watching as his lip and nose curl up with the wink. And then he dives, licking up the center of you while he spreads your lips apart further, caressing your clit with his tongue. You writhe under him and he throws an arm over your stomach, holding you down as he uses his other hand to gather up some of your arousal and slowly pushes a finger in. Your head pushes back into the soft mattress as he pushes another finger in, finding that spot inside you that has you moaning his name. Your legs begin to tremble, pleasure building up inside as Benny continues his work, your hands twisting in the silky sheets.

“Fuck, Benny, I’m gonna….nuggghhh!” You come around his fingers and he guides you through it, only stopping when your legs start to spasm and you push at his head. He lifts his head, chin glistening with you as he sits up on his knees, pulling the shirt from his body and using it to wipe his face before leaning back over you.

“Feelin’ good, Sparks?”

“So good. Only you make me feel this way.”

You caress his face, scratching at the patches of beard and he hums with contentment. He closes his eyes briefly at your touch before slowly opening them and studying your face, a faint smile on his lips. When your eyes meet, you can feel the love radiating off of him, wrapping you up like a warm blanket on a cold day. When he speaks, it’s laced in every word, reaching inside of you and settling there, grounding you to him.

“I wanna make love to you.”

Placing a hand on his cheek, you guide his face to yours. He kisses you, tasting of you before he pulls back and sits up, pulling you with him. He holds the bottom of your dress and meets your eyes as you put your arms up, letting him slide the dress up and over your head. He reaches around your back and unclasps your bra, tossing it on top of your dress. He pushes on your shoulder slightly and you lay back down, watching as his eyes slowly roam over your body, drinking in every inch before meeting your eyes.

“You are beautiful, Sparks.”

You try to reach him, to pull him on you but he pulls back, standing beside the bed as you prop yourself up on your elbows, complaint poised on your lips. His hands quickly undo his pants, sliding them down and off along with his boxer briefs. He crawls up your body, placing random kisses and nips as you lay back down, little moans and yelps escaping you before he settles on top of you. Widening your legs so he can get comfortable, your eyes meet and he caresses your face, pushing hair back and tracing a line down your cheek.

He’s heavy at your entrance, waiting to fill you. A few more moments pass before he pushes in slowly, watching as your mouth opens in an “o” position, head tilting back and exposing your neck, and you moan as he bottoms out.

“You always feel so good, Benny. I feel so full of you.”

He pulls out of you and pushes back in, setting a slow pace, watching how your facial expressions change every time he hits the spots inside you that make your toes curl.

“You’re always so tight, Sparks. Sometimes I just…ngghhh…wanna stay inside you.”

After that, neither of you say much, each one choosing to watch the others face between their own emotions, moaning and writhing against each other. Benny shifts his body so he grinds against your clit every time he pushes in, and you grab at his biceps, digging your nails in as you whine. The damn inside you breaks and you come, crying out his name as you pulse around him, Benny still grinding down on you to carry you through it. Once he feels you relaxing, he picks up his pace slightly, trying to chase his own release. Raising your hands to his face, you scratch his scrappy facial hair and drag your nails around to his hair, tossing the hat from his head, lightly tugging on his blonde locks. He gasps a few times and comes, spilling into you with delicious sounding moans, his brow furrowed together as his hips sputter a few times before he stops, resting his head on your chest.

You continue to play with his hair as you lay there still attached, neither one of you ready to be apart, content in just laying there, feeling the slight sway of the boat on the water. After several minutes, Benny pushes up with a groan and heads into the bathroom to locate a towel. He brings one out and cleans you off, finding the laundry basket and putting it in there, answering your raised eyebrows with “They have housekeeping.”

“Holy shit, how loaded is your friend?”

He chuckles and lays back down on the bed and pulls you close to him, wrapping his arms around you as best he can. A few hours later, you both wake, realizing you had fallen asleep naked in each other’s arms.

“You hungry, Sparks? I didn’t think we’d be out here for dinner, but I brought sandwiches and stuff.”

“That’s perfect!”

He kisses you before you both move off the bed to find your clothes and get dressed, following Benny out to the table. He pulls out a sandwich for each of you, having made you your favorite. He also has 3 different kinds of chips and 4 different drinks. You laugh once he gets it all out.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d want!”

“I love you so much.”

He sits across from you, your legs in his lap as you eat. A few minutes of idle chatter passes before he sets his sandwich down and looks at you, mustering up the courage to say something.

“Move in with me, Sparks.”

You nearly choke on your food, Benny reaching over to thump you on the back. After a few sips of water, you manage to calm down enough to speak.

“What?”

“Move in. With me.”

“You want to live together?”

“Isn’t that what moving in together means?”

You set your drink down and take his hand, stopping it from its nervous tapping on the table.

“Can I start packing tonight?”

—----

You did start packing that night, too excited to wait. You had both decided that you would move in with Benny as it was closer to his gym and you can work from anywhere. Will could sublet your place and when the lease was up, he would take it over. When he moved in, one of your single neighbors kept offering him glasses of lemonade, which he happily accepted, hiding the giant bottle of water he had brought with him.

Benny was still trying to make up for his outburst, no matter how many times you told him you’d forgiven him. Flowers were in a vase for you on your first day moving in, your pothos from the first date hanging in the sun, leaves bright and green and bursting from its pot.

That first night, you cuddle up with Benny on the couch, watching some random movie. His arm was draped around your shoulders and he would chuckle as you made comments about the characters. He was happy, content. But then a small voice inside his head spoke up.

You didn’t tell her the whole truth. You didn’t tell her about Colombia. You didn’t tell her about Tom.

The smile fades from Benny’s face as he reaches up and rubs a spot on his left shoulder with his left hand.

You should’ve told her before she moved in.

—----

Chapter 10>>

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[dememetor]

HEY HEY HEY

I love your writing, can I please get jealous hcs for anyone? Please include suna thi he's my latest brainrot hAHA

hi, thanks for the request! and suna brainrot?? bitch me too the fuck. anyways, hope you enjoy~

(also sorry this is kinda late, i've rewritten iwaizumi and bokuto ones a million times)

Haikyuu boys when they're jealous

characters suna rintarou, kuroo tetsurou, iwaizumi hajime, bokuto koutarou, kenma kozume

warnings none but i'm probably gonna say fuck at some point

Suna Rintarou

he tries to be chill about it, he does

it hurts his ego to be this clingy but god

he can't help but to feel that sour sting of jealousy when he sees another guy approaching you

at first will only take a quick glance from afar, just to check if the guy is bothering you, and then promises himself to stay out of your business

well he doesn't

once he decides the guy has lost talking-to-y/n-alone privilege, he will nonchalantly make his way towards you, one hand in his pocket, other sneaking its way to your shoulder, resting his elbow and giving the poor boy a menacing look

he can be pretty intimidating too with that eyeliner and all

(but that look only works on people that don't know him well, he tried it on atsumu once and the latter just laughed in his face)

not the type to be openly jealous but when he sees someone blatantly flirting with you he will start to give you the Glance

blinks slowly (you know, like that one blonde haired guy gif) and looks at you through raised eyebrows as if to say hey babe, i love you and i trust you. what the fuck tho

and when the guy starts being borderline creepy he'll appear between you - and i mean literally will inject himself between you two and strike a conversation with you as if nothing weird happened

they usually get the hint, but this one guy tried to go around him, still rambling about whatever and suna literally turned on his heel and said "come again?" with such unrivaled coldness, his eyes exuding just sheer fucking spite

but like i said, unless the other guy is asking for it, he's not the type to start a direct confrontation

will take you by the hand and leave without much thought because he simply doesn't have the time for that shit

he might seem grumpy afterwards but a couple of soft kisses usually do the trick

soft kisses which are followed by a breathless make out session with you on his kitchen counter because he still wants you to know you're only his

Kuroo Tetsurou

this little bitch

never gets jealous

and i mean never

once pretended he was jealous just to make you feel better (??? his logic? unparalleled) but once you found out you beat his ass

loves it when you get jealous though (he thinks it's cute)

sometimes he does get insecure, but he shows it in an unusual way

like if you've been talking to someone, smiling at your phone for a while he'll just get up and randomly do a couple puhs-ups, start flexing his muscles and shit

all while you're looking at him like,,

"babe, what are you doing"

"oh i didn't think you'd notice me there. since you're on your damn phone all day"

"...are you my mom?"

nah he'll be fine (will steal your phone though)

also it's the funniest thing when he sees someone trying to flirt with you

he will literally walk over there, introduce himself (not mentioning he's your boyfriend) and act really interested in the conversation

he plays this game where he tries to see how long will it take the guy to realise you two are together (longest time: 24 minutes, record holder: yahaba shigeru)

whenever the guy asks you something he will interrupt you and answer for himself as if the guy were flirting with him

"so, like what do you do in your free time?"

"not mu-"

"oh i love taking long walks on the beach, especially during sunsets. i really think it is healthy for the mind and the soul, not to mention quite romantic too. don't you too love sunsets, kevin?"

at one point kevin will have had enough of it

"i was talking to y/n alone here"

"aw don't worry, you're not bothering me"

he is such a pain in the ass

why can't he just be normal

Iwaizumi Hajime

rational, mature, i love him

seriously, he is the bestest boy and he will treat you so well because he trusts you and respects your friendship with other guys as well

but on those rare occasions when he does get jealous,, oh boy

first of all, the PDA skyrockets, he has to have his arm around you at all times - around your shoulder? on your waist? in your backpocket? his hand's been there done that

not in any way possesive but will be really annoying unless you give him your full undivided attention that day

he lets himself be selfish a bit, after all he is your boyfriend he can have you all to himself for a day, right?

jealous sex with him? better prepare a wheelchair cause you want be able to walk straight tomorrow

sees a boy trying to flirt with you? tries not to make a scene but absolutely will throw the first punch if he needs to

one day he was having a particularly rough time at practice and all he wanted to do was lose himself in your arms and fall asleep to the feeling your fingertips tangled in his hair

and then he saw this?? guy? (the audacity!) laughing with you after telling some dumb joke and let me tell you - iwaizumi wasn't having any of it

he came up to you from behind, wrapped his arms around your waist and planted a small kiss on the crook of your neck

"when are we going home, love?"

and he gives him the calmest yet most fear inducing stare from behind you

and suddenly the pattern on poor boy's pants starts to look awful lot like piss stain

it is actually kinda hot how one single look from him can cause such a reaction

"he was just asking about english homework babe"

"yeah that's what they all say"

Bokuto Koutarou

gets jealous so so easily

it is actually fascinating

will get mad at otome games

"what does jumin han have that i don't???"

god forbid you pay attention to your pet more than him (btw you have a golden retriever and his name is bean)

you're sitting on the couch cuddling with your dog, scratching his ears, ruffling his fur and all that, and there he is, your clingy boyfriend, snuggling right next to you, demanding you play with his hair too

so dramatic

"you smiled at him... the way you used to smile at me..."

"bokuto, he's a dog"

the only guy he trusts 100% to be around you is akaashi, even kuroo is on thin ice

but him and akaashi are something else, one time you three had a sleepover and you felt like you were the third wheel

will act like a tough serious boyfriend in front of others, especially your other guy friends but in reality will look for affection immediately after

oh while we're at it - jealous bokuto kisses? are the best kisses

will also force you to wear one of his shirts for the rest of the day

my poor man is so touch starved so when he feels insecure or jealous he will look for comfort in things like holding your hand, nuzzling your neck or giving forehead kisses

but later that day, when you two are sitting on the couch cuddling he will quietly ask you something along the lines of "you still think i'm pretty, right?"

you can feel him all over you - his hands are creeping down your waist, he's pulling you in, deepening the kiss until all you can see, think and feel is him

he wants to show you exactly how much he wants you and what you were missing out on while you weren't paying attention to him

and it shocks you for a moment because you didn't realise just how much that one short moment of jealousy actually stayed with him

you have to reassure him he's the most beautiful boy you have ever met, and not only that, but also the funniest and the most caring person as well, and that you would never leave his side no matter what happened

and as much as he loves getting praised he always gets embarrassed, so he just smiles in return, but he is also happy to know you're there for him and you don't think he is too much

Kenma Kozume

it depends on his mood honestly

sometimes he doesn't mind it even if the other guy is flirting with you and sometimes will get pissy if you smile at the cashier

but when this boy gets really jealous oh my GOD

he is just like bokuto if not worse; he just hides it so well

one time you went grocery shopping with him and spent the entire time texting your friend who had just told you she was visiting your city

and he got so offended

you didn't even notice it until later that day when you came home and he suddenly refused to cuddle with you

silent treatment

lifts his nose and ignores you, only giving you dirty side glances from under the eye

such a massive sense of pride in those 170 cm even oikawa would be impressed

in my country there's a saying "it's in the smallest bottle that the poison lies" and honestly? yeah

at some point you realise why he's acting like that and you start teasing him

"i am not jealous i am just mildly irritated" is the only thing he deems necessary to say before going back to being unnecessarily pissed

he reminds you of an angry cat

it's kind of amusing seeing him like this but you were also getting real tired of his shit

don't even try bribing him (you tried buying him over with a ps5 but he just looked at you unimpressed, disgusted that you think so low of him)

the only thing he will accept is a sincere apology

if it's sincere or not is up to him to decide, obviously

which can lead to quite some bickering

will try to get you to beg but please have dignity, if you do it once he will make you do it every time

yeah generally a lttle shit but his kisses after making up are just as eager as yours so

[jikookiekosmos]

When I Dream of You || jjk

➥Pairing: best friend!jungkook/reader, husband!jungkook/reader

➥Summary: Jungkook always imagined being with you was like a dream come true, and after years of pining he can finally say it’s all he could have ever hoped for and more. But what happens now when Jungkook’s dreams about you no longer have a happy ending?

➥Genre: established relationship, (somewhat?) heavy angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort

➥Rating: 18+

➥Words: ~6.2k (little much for a drabble i know, sorry)

➥Content warnings: story mostly told from jungkook’s POV, jungkook has a nightmare, feelings of insecurity and anxiety, mentions of harassment (not much), yoongi to the rescue (seriously he’s the voice of reason i love him), making out, grinding, slight hair pulling, riding on top, reader is in control (and jk is happy about it), unprotected sex (safe sex is great sex), cumming inside, cute times in the shower, jungkook is actually the sweetest, reader and jk are so in love with each other it hurts, also jk saying ‘only for you’ is a thing i started and can’t stop now oops

A/N: hello! This is part of my Only for You (OFY) Drabble series, but it can be read as a stand-alone! Their relationship will make a lot more sense though if you’ve read OFY beforehand. This fic takes place roughly around a year after the events of OFY. (I also mentioned this in the post for OFY but for those who haven’t read it, the Kun in the story isn’t referring to any other irl person specifically, it was just a name I chose to make the initial story easier to write.)

As always, thank you to @dntaewithluv​ for being so supportive of me and motivating me to keep writing when there are times I feel like I shouldn’t. And for also being my beta-reader and just generally an amazing person, one of the best friends I could ever ask for.

I’ve written a few other drabbles and will list them below, along with a general timeline:

Use My Best Colors For Your Portrait - ~6 months after OFY

Stay With Me - a few months after this dream drabble

I know this is the most angsty thing I’ve written so far (update: Stay With Me now holds this title), but I got attached to these characters and wanted to tell more of their story so here we are. I basically wrote this all in one sitting because I’ve had this idea in my head for a little while and I was excited to get it out. I hope that if you read this, you enjoy it~

➥OFY Spotify Playlist (songs I listened to for inspo)

➥Series Masterlist

➥All Works Masterlist

taglist: @inlovewiththemoonn​​

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

Jungkook was dreaming again.

It was a dream he’d had many times now, and it always started the same way. He watched as you appeared in the doorway of the chapel, ready to make your trek down the aisle.

You looked dazzling in your dress, and through the thin veil that covered your face, Jungkook could see the brilliant smile you wore, which caused him to break out into one of his own. Each step that brought you closer to him made his heart race faster, and it didn’t take long for you to finally be in front of him.

Well…somewhat in front of him.

He could only watch as at the last second, you turned slightly and were now standing in front of Kun, the man you were originally meant to marry. Jungkook’s stomach twisted with fear as he observed Kun lift your veil over your head and take your hands in his as you both stared into each other’s eyes. You, looking at Kun with all the love in the world, because that’s just how you were. And Kun, looking back at you, with a sinister expression that made Jungkook feel dizzy.

He opened his mouth to object, to speak, to do something but no sound would come out. Everyone around him that had gathered to see you get married were either oblivious to Jungkook’s obvious distress, or they just didn’t care.

They weren’t here for him, after all. They were here for you, in the same way that he was here for you, too.

When his legs could finally move without crumpling underneath him, he walked over to stand next to you and Kun as he tried to reach out to you. He couldn’t touch you, though, because it was like there was an invisible wall in between the two of you now. A wall he could still see through but couldn’t reach past. He moved back at the realization, only to be met with something similar hitting his back.

Jungkook whirled around and was met with the same thing, now surrounding him on all sides, trapping him inside some sort of box. A box where he could still see what was happening but couldn’t stop it despite what he did. He felt suffocated.

He was shouting from inside his new prison, banging on the walls, trying to make any sort of sound that would reach you. And he knew you couldn’t hear him; you didn’t spare even one glance his way. But he still had to try. The longer he let this go on, the greater the chance of losing you grew to be.

And the possibility of that, of losing you in any capacity, was something he couldn’t bear to even think about.

Jungkook could hear everything coming from your mouth. The cheerfulness in your voice was usually something he loved to hear under any given circumstance. But in this case, it was threatening to tear him apart. He listened dismally as the two of you started reciting your vows to each other.

And his heart started to break when he heard the words from the letter he’d tried to give you all those years ago. Tears were forming in his vision as he listened to Kun rattle off the words he’d written for you. Words he never got to claim as his own until much later, when it was almost too late.

He could feel his heart shatter at the sight of the breathtaking smile on your face as you two finished your vows, moving now to kiss each other and seal the deal.

He tried once more to call out to you, but any sound he could’ve possibly made would’ve been immediately drowned out by the cheering from everyone around you.

His legs gave out as he knelt down to the floor, helplessly staring at you as you linked your arm with Kun’s to walk back down the aisle as a newly married couple. It took the last bit of his strength to look up as you passed, and you didn’t notice him.

But Kun did.

Kun paused in front of Jungkook, still separated by that invisible wall, and he grinned. It was the kind of grin you’d expect from someone who’s sole purpose in life was to sabotage others’ happiness. Which, ironically enough, is exactly what Kun was now known for.

All Jungkook could do was look on while you left the chapel, followed by the many guests who had gathered for the ceremony. Only when everyone was gone was he able to move about freely, but he opted to remain seated on the floor there instead as the chapel slowly started to fill with darkness once the doors closed.

Jungkook awoke with a start, bolting upright and inhaling a sharp intake of air. He was covered in sweat that dampened his hair and made it stick to his forehead. His breathing was shallow, and it took him a few seconds to remember where he was.

He was at home, in his bed. It was nighttime and sleeping next to him was a figure who’d remained undisturbed by his sudden movement.

He cautiously looked over at your sleeping form. You were turned on your side, facing away from him, breathing peacefully. His eyes softened at the sight and he could feel his heartbeat start to slow down into a pace much less frantic.

He pushed his hair out of his face as he took a deep breath. He knew he should probably wake you, especially since you always told him to do so whenever he had nightmares. Lately, he hadn’t been having any bad dreams, so it had been a while since he last had to rouse you from your slumber.

He reached an arm out, only for it to gently fall by his side. He hated waking you unless it was really important, because he knew you sometimes had trouble sleeping, and this included falling back asleep if something made you wake up during the middle of the night. You’d been especially exhausted lately, what with the new exciting event that had suddenly happened in both of your lives.

Well, exciting wasn’t really the right word. Terrifying fit way better.

After managing to avoid Kun for over an entire year, he somehow turned up at your new place of employment one day, surprising you and frightening you all at the same time. He told the staff at the front desk that he was an ‘old friend, here to congratulate you on your new position.’ And they believed it, so they let him come up to your office unsupervised.

Let’s just say when Jungkook heard about that little ordeal, he was not pleased at all.

Ever since then, Kun had been borderline harassing you, even sometimes going as far as to try and talk to Jungkook during his shifts at the bar. That lasted for all of maybe 2 encounters before Kun found himself banned and unable to return.

You both thought he was out of your life for good after the break-up, but he was proving to be much more of a plague than you or Jungkook initially imagined. So yes, these recent events had maybe been causing Jungkook to have intrusive thoughts once again that translated themselves into the one recurring nightmare he used to have shortly after the two of you got together.

The nightmare of him losing you. You obviously didn’t end up marrying Kun, but you came a lot closer to it than Jungkook liked. And that wasn’t because he’d been pining after you for years; he could’ve dealt with that, if it ended with you being happy. It was more so the reason that your relationship with Kun hadn’t seemed genuine on his end, and Jungkook wanted better for you than that.

Sometimes he wondered if he was the right one to give you what you deserved.

He shook his head to keep more thoughts from seeping in, but he knew sitting here alone in the dark wouldn’t help with that for long. He glanced at the time on his phone. It was 2:08 A.M., so not too late, but most people were usually sleeping at that time.

Nonetheless, Jungkook pulled back the covers and swung his feet over the side of the bed to stand up. He moved as gently as possibly to not risk waking you, but on his way to the bathroom he had to pass by your side of the bed.

Your sleeping face was free of worry, and your lips were slightly parted as you were breathing softly. The sight made Jungkook’s heart thump. He couldn’t help himself when he leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on your forehead.

If you woke up, he’d just tell you he had to use the restroom and try to coax you back to sleep. You looked too cute for him not to kiss you, though, so he deduced it was worth the risk.

He padded off to the bathroom then, only wearing a pair of gym shorts. Every step he took was calculated so he didn’t make much noise, and when he finally made it to the bathroom, he closed the door as quietly as possible, listening to the faint click before he leaned against the sink.

He sighed and fished his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for. After dialing the number, he put the phone to his ear, and within 2 rings someone picked up.

“Kook? You ok?”

Jungkook smiled. “Yeah, Yoongs, I’m ok. Just needed to talk to someone, that’s all.”

He heard shuffling from the end of the line and he felt a small pang of guilt at the fact that he may have woken his friend up. But then again, it was Yoongi, and he wasn’t a stranger to being up at this hour.

Yoongi hummed. “Y/N not awake then, huh?”

Jungkook shook his head, despite Yoongi not being able to see him. Yoongi took his silence as confirmation.

“Hm, well you do know I love talking to you, but I am wondering why this time of night?”

Jungkook sighed. Better to get it over with than beat around the bush. “I had a nightmare.”

“Oh no,” he could hear the somberness of Yoongi’s tone. “Is it the same one, or…”

“Same one,” Jungkook answered without hesitation.

“Kook, we’ve been over this-”

“I know,” he groaned, running a hand down his face. “I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep having this happen either.”

“Can you think of anything that may have triggered it?”

Jungkook tongued his cheek then. The more he thought about it, the only thing he could see as being a potential trigger for these dreams to come flooding back would be Kun’s unwanted reappearance.

While he was still thinking, Yoongi continued.

“Do you think it has anything to do with that asshole showing up again?”

Jungkook smirked. He knew how much disdain Yoongi had for Kun, and for good reason.

“Yeah, it’s exactly that, I’m almost positive.”

It sounded like Yoongi was moving again and Jungkook could just picture him now, sitting up and shaking his head in disappointment, not at Jungkook, but at the situation.

“Jungkook, I’m gonna level with you.”

Jungkook gulped.

“I honestly have no idea why you’re letting someone like that affect you. He’s not worth your time, he’s not worth Y/N’s time, not worth anyone’s time if you ask me. Letting him continue to have this kind of effect on you isn’t healthy.”

Jungkook sighed again, his breath coming out somewhat shaky. “I know, it’s just…it’s hard. It’s really hard, Yoongs. I can’t help but think of how close I came to losing her and fuck it hurts every time I think about it.”

“First of all, you wouldn’t have lost her, and you know that-”

“Yeah but seeing him is a reminder that I came close.”

“Jungkook,” Yoongi’s tone was stern now, and Jungkook immediately stopped talking.

Yoongi took a deep breath. “Like I was saying, you wouldn’t have lost her. You mean too much to her and she means too much to you for either of you to have let that happen. Give her a little more credit, yeah?”

At the mention of you, Jungkook’s lips curved upwards into a smile. He knows you’d never allow anything to take you away from him, outside of maybe some things beyond both of your control. But you certainly would never let someone come in between the friendship you both shared.

A friendship that had developed over several years and had now blossomed into a beautiful, loving partnership.

There it was again: you. Anytime Jungkook thought about you, it always made him happy. He was so in love with you and had been for so many years, so it was sometimes still surreal to him that you two were together now. Your smiling face was all he needed to get him through some days.

But right now the vision of you playing out in his head was the sight of you the night he found you in your house kneeling on the floor after Kun broke your marriage off. You looked so utterly broken, and Jungkook made a promise to himself then and there that he’d do anything in his power to make it so you never felt that way again.

“Kook? You still with me there?”

Yoongi’s voice roused Jungkook out of his thoughts. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“Good. You know I worry about you, kid.”

Jungkook smiled. “I know.”

“This is the first time you’ve had this dream in a while, right?”

Jungkook leaned against the sink again, looking at the tiled floor underneath his feet. “Yeah, it’s been months.”

“Then I want you to do something for me, ok?”

Confused, but intrigued, Jungkook shook his head. “Yeah, sure.”

“I want you to take a look at your left hand.”

Jungkook did as he was told, splaying his fingers out in front of him.

“Now tell me what you see?”

Jungkook’s breath caught in his throat as he looked at his gold wedding band as it glistened faintly in the light of the room.

“My wedding ring,” he answered softly.

“Exactly. Your wedding ring. It belongs to you. And it means you’re the one who’s married to her. Not him, not anyone else, but you.”

Jungkook could see exactly where Yoongi was going with this, and the thought made him almost tear up. Yoongi knew exactly what to say and when to say it whenever Jungkook needed reassurance about something, and this was one of those times.

“Jungkook, I’m gonna tell you this, and it’s something I want you to remember. Y/N loves you. She loves you so much. My God, sometimes it’s hard to look at you two because you’re always so lovey dovey like-”

Jungkook laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

He could imagine Yoongi smiling on the other end. “Good. I think as long as you remember that, you’ll be ok. It’d probably still help to talk to her, though. You know how upset she’d be if she knew you were suffering in silence about your dreams again.”

Jungkook shakily inhaled, his grip on the sink behind him tightening. “I know. I’ll talk to her, probably in the morning since she’s still asleep-”

Jungkook cut himself off when he heard the soft sound of you calling his name. “Yoongs, I gotta go, thank you for answering and for everything else.”

Yoongi chuckled. “Anytime. Night, Kook.”

Jungkook hung up the phone and peered from behind the bathroom door. He saw you sitting up in the bed now, rubbing your eyes before you stretched. He was so fond of you, the sight made his heart swell.

He also noticed how the t-shirt you were wearing had ridden up some during your stretch and he could see the exposed skin of your thighs now now. He even thought that something as simple as you wearing a t-shirt was breathtaking. And when it was one of his t-shirts, like it was now – on some days it was enough to drive him crazy.

Now wasn’t the time for that though. He watched lovingly as you focused your eyes on him and smiled. He wasted no time getting back in the bed with you, seated with one leg crossed under him, his hand coming down to rest on top of your own.

“Hey,” you greeted him with a lazy kiss. Jungkook melted into the kiss when you deepened it, because after everything he just went through, any touch from you now was igniting all his feelings for you.

All of them, which is why he pulled back to rest his forehead against yours.

“Hey,” he said with a smile, nuzzling his nose against yours before pulling away to look at you. He could tell you were still sleepy, but you wouldn’t attempt to go back to sleep without talking first. Especially since he knew you could tell something might be off.

Your brows furrowed. “Koo? What’s wrong?”

Jungkook took a deep breath, intertwining his fingers with yours. “I had another nightmare.”

The immediate look of concern on your face made his heart lurch, and not in a pleasant way. “Baby, what happened?”

He brought up your hand to place a kiss on your knuckles, right above your ring.

“I had that nightmare. You know the one…”

You frowned. “Jungkook-”

“But it’s ok, really. I talked to Yoongi and I feel a little better.” He was looking anywhere but your face now, so you placed a hand under his chin, tilting it up so he’d look at you.

“You know you can always wake me up and talk to me.” You brushed your thumb across one of his cheekbones and he sighed into the touch.

“I know. You’ve been having trouble sleeping lately so I-”

“You also know that if I have trouble sleeping, usually cuddling with you helps. So please don’t use that as an excuse.”

Jungkook felt guilty again because he knew you were right. Before he came along, sleeping wasn’t always easy for you, but in the comfort of his arms, you found slumber much faster these days.

You took Jungkook’s face in both of your hands, your own chest twisting with pain at the sight of him. His big, doe-like eyes were shining with so much emotion, and all you wanted to do was take away all his worries.

“Do you know why you had that dream again?”

Jungkook nodded, absentmindedly brushing his thumb along your thigh. “Everything that’s happened with Kun lately, it- I don’t know, it just bothers me. It bothers me way more than it should. And I guess it just made me think again about- well, you know.”

Jungkook’s head hung then, and you leaned down so you could look into his eyes once more. He brought his head up to keep you from having to lean uncomfortably like that for too long.

“Koo,” you brushed a piece of his long, dark curly locks out of his face. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I know that things happened in the past that we can’t erase or change, but what we can do is focus on our future. Our future that we’re building together.”

He started to smile at your words, his heart lurching again now, but in a good way this time. Every time you told him you were in love with him, he felt like he could conquer the world.

“So please don’t worry about what almost happened or what could’ve been, because what matters is we’re here now. We’re here together. And I don’t plan on going anywhere,” you placed a quick peck on his lips, “Unless you want me to, that is.”

Jungkook quickly wrapped his arms around you and pulled you so you were straddling his lap, making you giggle as you tried to steady yourself. His hands rested comfortably against your waist and you placed yours on his shoulders. He looked up at you now with so much love and adoration.

“Never. I’m not planning on ever letting you go,” he accentuated his words with his grip around you by wrapping his arms more tightly around your waist to pull you closer to his chest. “Not until the day you decide you don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Well I don’t see that ever happening, so I guess we have nothing to worry about then, do we?” You booped his nose and he grinned, placing a hand on the back of your head to bring your lips down to meet his once more. The kiss was soft, yet passionate.

And it quickly turned into something more.

You deepened the kiss and Jungkook groaned into it, kissing you back now with a fervor that had you unconsciously moving your hips against him. He broke the kiss to lean his head back against the headboard, eyes shut and mouth parted.

“Fuck,” Jungkook panted. “I’m so fucking in love with you, Y/N. And right now,” he opened his eyes to stare at you again, tongue darting out to wet his lips.

His hand snaked underneath your t-shirt to brush at the skin he found there, pulling your head back down for another kiss.

“I want to show you how much I love you,” he whispered against your lips. “Will you let me?”

The sound of his voice shot straight to your core, and you were nodding before he could even finish his question. He chuckled against your lips before he started trailing them down your neck.

“Need to hear you say it, baby,” he spoke as his lips ghosted over your throat, his hold on you tightening.

“Please,” you breathed out, pulling at his dark tresses and making him grunt. “Please, Koo. I want you to make love to me.”

That was all he needed. Jungkook started placing kisses along your neck and down to your collarbone that was exposed from the collar of his shirt, his fists clenching around the material at the bottom of it.

“I love you,” he kept saying in between kisses. “Gonna take care of you.”

He started tugging your shirt up and you met him halfway, ridding yourself of the garment fast enough that it made him chuckle at your eagerness. He started peppering kisses all over your chest, kneading at your breasts, rolling your nipples in between your fingers and making your hips move faster.

You could feel him growing harder underneath you through the thin fabric of the shorts he was still wearing, so you sped up your movements, making him moan.

“These need to come off, don’t you think, baby?” You tugged at his shorts. Another moan came from Jungkook as he nodded, helping you move up so he could shimmy out of his shorts. He still didn’t think he could ever get used to that pet name coming from you, and he thought it was the sexiest thing ever when it fell from your lips.

Of course, Jungkook thought nearly everything you did was sexy. That was just the effect you had on him. Everything intimate was intense in the best way possible, and if this was what being in love felt like, he never wanted to stop being in love with you.

He loved you. He needed you. He wanted to be with you for the rest of his life. And he’d never felt this way about anyone else for.

He felt all of these things for you. Only for you.

Jungkook was pulled out of his thoughts of how much he loved you by the feeling of you grinding down onto him again, this time the only barrier of clothing between the two of you being your own panties.

Yeah, Jungkook wasn’t having that.

He made quick work of removing your soaked panties, laughing again at your enthusiastic impatience. He loved seeing that you wanted him as much as he wanted you.

“Be careful, angel,” He cooed at you as you tried to steady yourself on his lap once more. He rubbed his hands up and down your thighs while you huffed, a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

“Just wanna feel you already,” you said breathily, and the sound of your voice mixed with the words that fell from your mouth made him twitch. He knew he probably wouldn’t last long inside of you, and with the way you were already worked up, he figured you might not either.

But tonight wasn’t one of those nights where he planned on going for hours anyway (even though you both definitely could at times and boy did he love it when that happened). No, tonight was about him proving to you how much he loved you, telling you through his words and soft caresses and the way he took care of you.

And you did the same for him. Jungkook had never had anyone care about him before the way that you do. He knew you’d do anything to ensure his happiness, the same as he would for you.

And that’s also why he thought you were destined to be together. And he hoped he would never fuck that up, that anything would ever fuck that up.

Jungkook heard you whine from your place in his lap, still grinding against him to find some much-needed friction. You felt so good on top of him that he let himself enjoy it for a few moments, soft moans escaping his lips as he watched you through half-lidded eyes. You leaned down to give him another kiss, and in the same movement, he picked you up by your thighs under your ass and placed you back down where his tip was at your entrance.

He grunted against your lips as he felt you sink down onto him, waiting for you to accommodate to the stretch as you’d done many times before. You always told him you could handle it and sometimes you wanted him to be a little rougher with you from the get-go. Jungkook wasn’t at that level where he was comfortable with that yet.

But one day, he thought, especially with how good you feel around him, he just might be.

When he was finally completely inside of you, he waited just enjoying the feel of your warmth around his length. He brushed some hair out of your face, noticing how your eyes were glinting in the faint light of the room.

God, he could never get enough of staring into your eyes. He’d happily get lost in them over and over again.

Now, though, they were starting to close as you picked yourself only to drop down again a moment later. The action caused Jungkook to let out a throaty moan, eyes fluttering closed at the motion.

Hm. That was new.

Usually, Jungkook would guide you with his hands on your hips, and it wasn’t that he didn’t let you have control, it was more that you never really wanted to take control. So, seeing you decide to do it now was exciting and something he’d gladly let happen if that’s what you wanted.

To be sure though, he placed his hands on your waist. You placed yours on top of his and shook your head.

“Let me take the lead,” you said as you pushed his chest to where he was lying down more. “You can keep your hands here, but I want to do the work.”

Jungkook frowned, only because he knew you still had to be tired. “Angel, are you sure? I can help- fuck.”

You cut him off as you clenched around him before you started moving again, his hands constricting around your waist. You placed your hands firmly on your chest to help you get more leverage as you continued moving.

As you sped up, Jungkook leaned his head back into the pillow he was lying on, eyes screwed shut and the prettiest sounds falling from his lips. You watched as the muscles in his neck strained with the movement, and that alone made you want to mark him up.

But now wasn’t the time for that.

Jungkook managed to open his eyes and look at you riding him, the sight making him twitch inside of you. He thought you looked so beautiful like this, and you taking the lead was so hot to him, he knew he’d definitely not last long if you kept this up-

“Do you know,” you broke off to moan as his cock hit a spot inside of you that made your breath hitch, “do you know why I wanted to take control tonight?”

Jungkook swallowed and shook his head, rubbing his hands along your waist.

You smiled at him lovingly, taking one of his hands and bringing it to your lips before linking your fingers. The action made his heart soar.

“It’s because you always take such good care of me. I want to take care of you in that same way,” you squeezed his hand, letting your words wash over him.

“But you do take care of me,” he started to say, only to be interrupted by the feeling of your walls clenching around him again.

“I know. But tonight, I want to show you I know how to take care of you in this way, too. I want to show you how much I love you.” You leaned down, hitting a new angle that had both of you moaning as you brushed your lips against his. “Will you let me?”

Jungkook felt himself getting closer as you repeated his words from earlier. He nodded vigorously, kissing you with so much passion that you thought you might topple over. You sat up straight again and started moving faster, now pulling out as much as possible before dropping back down.

Jungkook’s high was approaching fast because of the combination of you taking control, the way you were riding him, and your words. He was feeling so many things at once and he tried to will himself to not let go.

He didn’t want to let go yet, not until you were there with him.

To help you along, he reached down in between both of you and started rubbing your clit, relishing in the feel of you around him as you stuttered in your movements. He smirked, knowing that even when you were in control, he still had an effect on you the same way you did him.

“Come on, angel, I’m right there, I want you to cum with me.” Jungkook’s voice was husky now, the pleasure threatening to overtake him any second. He bit his lip as he stared at you, watching as your head lolled forward on your neck and you started shaking from the overwhelming sensations coursing through your body.

“I’m almost there, Koo, I love you so much,” your sounds were increasing in pitch and becoming more frequent, so he knew you were close. All that was left now was for you to reach your high together.

He took your hand that was still intertwined with his and placed a kiss on the inside of your wrist. “I love you, too,” he said softly.

His response was enough to finally provoke your orgasm, it being so powerful that you fell forward on top of him. As you did, you were clenching so tight around him that his release wasn’t far behind. He grunted as he placed his head in the crook of your neck, filling you up, the familiar sensation of warmth making you shiver in his hold.

Both of you were trying to catch your breath, you now completely laying on his chest and his arms snaked around you. He placed a kiss on top of your head and you both just laid there for a few moments.

Jungkook was the one to break the silence. “Well, that was certainly something.”

You giggled. “Yeah, I enjoyed that, Don’t know why I haven’t done that before.” You felt his chest rumble with laughter underneath you.

“Me neither, but you can absolutely do it more often. I know I won’t be opposed.”

“Deal,” you said as you leaned up to place a kiss on his nose. “But only under one condition.”

“Oh?” Jungkook raised an eyebrow, intrigued at your proposition.

“You,” you said as you traced patterns on his chest, “need to stop being so cautious with me.”

A tiny frown etched itself onto his features. “Angel-”

“I mean it, Jungkook. I’m not some fragile thing that’s going to break anytime you stick your dick in me.” He couldn’t help the laugh that erupted from him, immediately apologizing afterwards because he knew you were being serious.

“I know you’re not, I just- I never want to hurt you.”

“And I’d let you know if you did. So promise me you’ll at least try to treat me a little less like I’m gonna break under your touch?”

He ran his fingers through your hair as you laid your head on his chest again. “I promise to try. I don’t just do it for you, though.”

You brought your head back up to look at him, quirking your own eyebrow. “Oh? What do you mean?”

He chuckled darkly, his stare alone making you throb. “I also do it so I can maintain some self-control.”

You laughed. “What’s so bad about losing control?”

He smirked. “Nothing, I guess. We’ll have to see though, won’t we?”

The suggestion made you tingle with desire, but you were unfortunately too tired to go again, so you figured it’d be best to leave it alone for the night. Jungkook finally pulled out of you, making you let out a small whine at the loss. Before you could say anything, he picked you up and carried you with him to the shower, as he did most nights when you two shared these intimate moments.

In the shower, he helped you clean off, and as he was washing your hair, you stared up at him, seeing his dark locks falling into his face with the weight of the water that drenched them. His lips were parted and his tongue was slightly sticking out as he concentrated on making sure he lathered every inch of your hair with shampoo. He looked so adorable like this that you couldn’t help but giggle.

You ran your hands along his chest now to help him wash off the soap, and your ring caught the light, glimmering faintly. Jungkook picked up your hand and turned it this way and that to watch the ring shine from different angles, before he linked your fingers together.

“I told you I’d get you a better one, didn’t I?” You rolled your eyes in amusement at the cocky smirk that tugged at his lips.

“You didn’t just tell me, you promised me.” You continued washing all the suds off of him as he wrapped his arms around you to bring you closer.

“And did I follow through on my promise?”

You pretended to think about it for a second, making Jungkook tickle you under the shower’s waterfall. “Ok! Ok! Yes, you did,” you said as you laughed. “You always follow through on your promises.”

“I try,” was his soft response. He nudged your cheek with his nose, which is something he did when he wanted a kiss, a habit you were very quick to pick up on in the early stages of your relationship. You wrapped your arms around his neck and stood up on your tiptoes, placing a gentle kiss on his lips that had him letting out a small sound of contentment.

“I love you. And I’m in love with you. Nothing, nor anyone, will change that.” You reassured him as you pushed his hair out of his face. Any doubts he still had you wanted to erase them all.

You wanted him to know that you loved him with everything you had.

He smiled, brushing his nose against yours. “I know. And I love you more than anything. All the love I have to give is for you.” He placed another soft kiss on your lips before he pulled back to quietly add, “Only for you.”

Those three words meant so much to you, and every time you heard him say them it made you fall for him even more, if that was possible. The two of you continued to hold each other and exchange lazy kisses until the water turned too cold to bear. After drying off, you both snuggled back into bed, with you falling asleep almost instantly, feeling safe in Jungkook’s arms.

He kissed the back of your neck and wrapped his arms around you securely, resting his forehead against your shoulder as you both laid on your sides. Your soft breathing let him know you were already asleep and he smiled, elated that he could provide you the comfort you needed to help you fall into peaceful slumber once more.

When Jungkook inevitably followed behind you, he was met with nothing but pleasant dreams, and all of them were about you.

[yjwhatif]

With the semi/cryptic confirmation of Ed and Barts relationship in the series I have a question:

Do you think everyone knows about them (in world) or do you think they’re keeping it secret from some?

It’s just a thought that’s been in my head recently. It is most likely fuelled by the whole drama of G&B not being able to depict a “specific character” (it’s definitely Bart) as gay. They’ve had to hide the relationship from their audience - because of ridiculous reasons - but there are still moments that bring up the question - Are they? Before the reveals from AskGreg, I kinda thought- well they are clearly not together yet, but perhaps they both have feelings for one another and are just waiting for the other to make the next move because they’re nervous idiots who don’t want to have read the situation wrong — all while their friends are like - seriously guys? just get together already. Kinda like they did in s1 with Wally and Artemis - and I guess early Supermartian as well - which I would have been okay with... though with the likelihood of there being at least another two year time skip you’d probably have missed the getting together moment - which would kinda suck. Anyway. With the information about the chances being they were supposed to clearly be in a relationship throughout S3 — which makes the whole structuring of ILLUSIONS just make sense — it’s got me viewing their moments with a whole new energy. Also, I saw this post by Greg —

And let me just clarify, I have no idea if this is actually referencing the Ed and Bart stuff, it might not be (probably isn't). This is purely me speculating.

My reading of this is they got told they couldn’t depict Bart as gay pretty late on and that specifically affected ILLUSIONS where they likely intended to confirm the relationship with that first shot - the kiss on the cheek moment. Even now that moment is just odd - because it’s there but it’s not - because technically there is no actual kiss… which I think is absolutely the point. It plants the seed without actually breaking any rules - all by keeping the momentum but removing the specific kiss frame. It’s the only moment that I feel is explicit in saying they are in a relationship - everything else you can just read into and imply there’s something - but they technically don’t confirm anything.

The whole thing is actually quite interesting - despite the reasoning for it being totally ridiculous. By keeping/showing what they did... People notice it. People talk about it. People reflect on it. More people talk about it. People writing. Make. Create. Discuss it. An entire audience is formed who want and support it. It’s a whole thing now because people noticed it and generated a positive response to it - and that was before all the AskGreg information. The whole reason YJ got a season 3 is because the fans fought to get it back. Enough people talked about it - and kept talking about it - to convince TPTB that the show should come back. Greg and Brandon know this. They know the power the fans have and maybe they hoped that power would help them again in freeing Bart from these ridiculous restrictions. #letbartoutofthecloset

Obviously, we can't know until S4 is released whether G&B got the permission to confirm Bart's sexuality the way they envisioned - but maybe the responses that came during the release of 3b were enough to convince TPTB that they were fighting a losing battle. But who knows, people in power can be very stubborn at times, so we will just have to see what we get. Fingers crossed they eased up though - and not just because of the Ed/Bart relationship (which I am obviously a fan of -- it's fine if not everyone is) - but because these restrictions on LGBTQ+ content shouldn't be a thing and need to stop -- there is just no validity in them.

Anyhow. despite their not being allowed to officially confirm the relationship, Greg's comment about Ed's having a boyfriend they can't name basically confirms the fact without technically breaking any rules again. Masterfully done Wiesman. With this, it implies the pair are in fact dating during S3 which brings us back to the original question... but who knows??

With the comments of Virgil during ILLUSIONS, it's easy to assume their friends do in fact know. They also seem to have no problem being close and interacting with one another whilst in the presence of others -- that is, except for one moment...

Ever since the first time I saw this episode (ELDER WISDOM) I have always found this moment strange - because Ed seems to get kinda awkward when Barry comes to check on Bart. (Or that's how I see it at least.) He realises Flash is standing there and immediately pulls his head down averting his gaze -- almost like he doesn't want to be seen by the elder. But why? Does Barry not know about the pair -- or maybe he doesn't know about Bart and Ed thinks their current closeness is too revealing -- who's to say Bart's even fully out to the world yet -- who's to say either of them are? We certainly don't since we weren't allowed to be shown. We can't know until we know - so until then we can play the speculation game while we wait.

Bart is certainly a bit of a secret keeper when it comes to being himself. I'm still convinced the Bart we see onscreen is merely his interpretation of what he thinks people expect from a speedster in this time. We saw 'real' Bart, he was snarky and cynical and nothing like the Bart we've had for the past two seasons. He said it himself - he's playing a character - and I don't think he knows how to break out of it - not while the possibility exists that it might hurt those he's grown to care about. Bart wants to be seen a certain way to avoid acknowledging the truth of the past - if people see him as happy and smiley, then no one will question him on things he doesn't want to talk about. The problem with that is you can't hide yourself forever - cracks begin to form and eventually, the truth comes out whether you want it to or not. So who knows how comfortable Bart is revealing any of his true self to those he cares about. Maybe his relationship with Ed will be the thing that finally helps him find comfort in being himself, whilst also trusting others to still accept him as himself... and maybe getting him that bit of therapy he really needs.

This brings us to Eduardo… First, can I just say it made me so happy to see Greg’s confirmation of Ed being gay - though it is slightly annoying that he was robbed of his explicit onscreen reveal in S3 thanks to the drama with Bart. His whole relationship to his powers in S2 to S3 fits the representation of coming to terms with your sexuality/identity from a very negative point of view. Feeling like it’s something that needs fixing or needs to be “cured” - to then finding the light and freedom in accepting yourself for you. His growth between seasons is brilliant. He understands the hate and insecurity the teens are feeling because he felt it himself. He does all he can to help them because he never felt he got that help when he needed it - and no one deserves to feel worse for being who they are. Obviously, the things he talks about are framed in the context of dealing with/accepting the meta-gene - yet there are certain moments where it seems he’s saying more than that…

All of which got me wondering - why did Ed originally runaway? It certainly wasn’t because of the meta-abilities he did not yet have. All he’s ever said on the subject was he thought he wanted to be with his father - the man it seems he barely had a relationship with. No, I think Ed has been running from himself for a long time and his dad just happened to be an actual direction for him to aim for. The way he speaks about his wanting to be “cured” and “praying to get rid of his powers” suggests an upbringing around religion and traditional ideas of there being a ‘normal/proper’ way to be — while anything that doesn’t fit that way is treated as other or something that needs to be changed or 'fixed'. Maybe he ran to avoid being found out and run the risk of being ostracised by those he loved. Or maybe he was found out and leaving wasn’t entirely his choice*. If this was the case, I can certainly imagine him not wanting to come out to his dad for fear of his reaction and completely losing all chance of that father-son relationship they’re both trying so hard to keep. It can seem easier to live in secret than risk the reality of loss. So while the meta-gene likely wasn’t the main thing he was angry about in S2, it was able to become a physical thing he could blame and focus his anger on - without having to think about where his issues truly lied… Though with a bit of time it also became the thing he was comfortable conveying his feelings through...

“I’ve learned to accept, even love my meta-abilities”

I love this line so much and it’s all because of the delivery by Freddy Rodrigues. There is the slightest hint of a pause before he says “meta-abilities”, which gives the impression he was about to say something else before then remembering himself and who he was talking to. Then there’s the small inflecion he put on “love”, which makes it sound like it’s the first time he’s heard himself say the words out loud. I don’t hear him talking about the gene - I hear him talking about finally accepting himself - all of himself - for the first time in maybe ever and finally feeling happy because of it. I hear growth... From being the angry 14-year-old skater who just wanted to run away and escape any way he could. To the 16-year-old councillor/Outsider jumping straight into the danger to protect and inspire those who need it. Both he and Bart are such strong characters with so much more to be seen - especially when it comes to the insecurities which lie behind their masks. They both compliment each other pretty perfectly - both powers-wise and personality-wise - meaning while they try to hide themself from others, I don't think it'll take long for them to realise they can't hide from each other.

Anywho, that’s all the speculatary nonsense I’ve got for today. This turned into such a patchwork of vaguely linkable thoughts I’ve had which barely relate to the one I started with - but that is usually how it goes. Take it as you will…

Also, completely unrelated to YJ, but Bi Tim Drake now exists in dc canon which is really cool - seeing all of the joy it’s sparked has really given me something to smile about this week… There is hope after all. 🌈

— LB ⚡️☀️

* OK so here’s a little random snapshot into the chaos of my mind— as I was writing the Ed stuff I had a scene pop into my head of Ed finally -for whatever reason- having to tell his dad that he didn’t leave his abuelo’s home - he got kicked out. His dads confused about this and asks Why? What did you do? And Ed’s like Nothing… I didn’t do anything wrong… he just… found out something. So Seniors like Found out what Eduardo? And Ed’s getting really nervous now because he doesn’t want to say it - That I, um… I’m… Senior step a fraction closer as he picks up on Ed’s anxiety but remains an appropriate distance - Son? Then after a tensening silence he finally says it - sounding the most vulnerable he has ever been - I’m gay… The silence is there again, heavy and unnerving, neither saying a word. Ed can’t move as he’s lock in his elders unreadable glare. Expecting the worse his head drops to take in the floor - anything that isn’t the disappointment ahead - he feels the urge to disappear burning up inside him - consuming him. Then just as he’s about to escape he’s suddenly grounded by a steadying hand rooting itself on his shoulder. Tentatively he lifts his gaze to witness his father, there, with nothing but love and support in his eyes - Mijo. The clamping in his chest dissipates as all the tension escapes at once, along with the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Ed embraces his dad and the elder embraces his son. Together. A family.

Anyway. That’s probably a load of rubbish but hey my minds full of it… but basically I really want to see a tender moment between Ed and his dad. For whatever reason. Something where Ed’s in a vulnerable state and in need of some emotional support from his father - and without hesitation his father steps up - because that’s what we haven’t seen from them yet. It would perfectly portray the strength of their relationship as father and son - despite their previous struggles - and prove that Senior is willing to support his son no matter the situation as the father - not just the scientist. Its the final step in their healing journey and I wanna see it so bad!!