#i literally just needed to ramble sorry

[jcbbby]

fuck it. this is a very long probably all over the place post about something that's very personal and I'm honestly shitting myself posting it literally on the internet but I just like, need to vent and talk about it. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm asexual.

and that's really weird to admit. I resent it, honestly. I really dislike this about myself. and it's sort of embarrassing to admit too? especially given the content I create, reblog, and things I say in the tags/on my own posts that would not suggest that about me…

I frequently feel really bad about it in real life and struggle heavily with not feeling adequate enough as a human, or like I’m a bad wife for not having sex as often as my husband probably would like, or that idk I’m defective or something. sometimes I doubt myself and think it’s all in my head or think about if I can do something differently to change it, to “fix” myself. because I DO still find people attractive in general and I do get turned on and feel horny, I like...enjoy thinking about sex and feeling pleasure, but I just…don’t wanna physically have sex with another person about it? like it makes me feel so overwhelmingly guilty if I do pleasure myself, because I'm like "well, my husband is RIGHT THERE though. why don't I want to share this experience with him?"

I’ve always been attracted to people and thought like “wow I want them to ruin me and fuck me senseless immediately” and I can fantasize about having sex and be into it, but then if it comes down to actually acting on it, if I'm with them in the moment and things progress past making out, I’m like “wait, no. actually nevermind, no thank you.”

and it’s shit like that that makes me feel like maybe it’s just anxiety or some other sort of mental thing, or my insecurities with my body that I just need to work through rather than just what it is for me. but I don't think that's the case. like I don't have any trauma or anything like that that would interfere. I think that's just me and who I am.

to me, sex has often felt just awkward. and I mean sure, it can get awkward. but I can’t ever get past that personally. it doesn’t feel natural to me? like with any partners I’ve had. it’s never felt like this primal thing that is intrinsic to me, that makes sense to be doing. I’ve ended up enjoying myself by the end plenty of times (though I have rarely ever finished when having sex aside from maybe a few times...idk sex can still end up being fun for me by the end without finishing. more layers to this fucking dilemma I'm having.) but I just usually overall feel very out of place in a sexual situation and it feels very foreign. the only time I HAVEN'T felt this way, is when on LSD honestly. or like EXTREMELY drunk.

I’ve also been on zoloft for like 5 years now, infamous for decimating libido, and that doesn’t help lmao. but even before I was medicated, I could never really feel interested in the action of sex, I always would say I could go the rest of my life without it.

idk. I just struggle very much with it a lot and feel bad about it literally all the time, especially being married. not that my husband ever makes me feel bad for it, he’s never once been pushy or angry with me about our sex life or lack thereof. I just feel bad for it on my own, because I WANT to want sex like a "normal" partner. but I am what I am. and I think I'm just asexual. and that’s okay. it just doesn't feel okay a lot.

I’m comfortable with the idea of sex I just don’t often want to have it. I can joke about it and talk about it and obviously I can write write/read about it in detail lol but yeah…

idk I just have really been feeling the need to talk about it lately, because I don't feel like I can talk about it with my friends or anything. I've talked about it with my husband of course, but not in depth. he knows that's just how I am and he acknowledges it's not my fault and that he is not upset by it. but he doesn't know how it's been weighing this heavily on me. he made a comment some weeks ago that he didn't mean anything by, it was more just a statement of fact in a joking way about how infrequently we have sex, but it just really inadvertently hurt me and I've just been stuck on it ever since, mentally. because I really don't want things to be this way, but that's just the way they are...unfortunately. it sucks. I shouldn't feel this way, if it's just who I am and lots of other people are similar. but I do.

anyway that’s it. I feel vulnerable and exposed and embarrassed and sad now. but I needed to say it. I should definitely probably see a therapist. bye.

[p4nishers]

can't believe tom hiddleston ACTUALLY interrupted the interviewer to say "one last thing, i think mobius is loki's friend and i don't think loki has ever had a friend before" like king. i love how u felt the need to add that truly

[fearcvlt]

thinking about sam again (18+ !!) sigh… like he’s literally the definition of a munch, regardless of if you like dom or sub sam liiiike…

he’d either have you pinned down, eating entirely for himself. his head has been buried between your thighs for agesss but he isn’t letting up. you’re tugging on his hair and crying and pleading, but he just keeps licking and sucking and taking what he wants, hands tightening on your thighs to hold you open and keep you still. just laughs all breathless against you as you try to squirm away, tugging you back down against his face.

orrrrr… you tug at his hair and he’s instantly whining, peering up at you with the wettest, saddest puppy dog eyes. he’s all pouty as you try to tug him away from you, whimpering and everything. he tries to duck his head down again, hips rutting against the mattress as he starts babbling. he’s all like “please, pretty girl. please, just need a little more.” he’s just desperate to taste more of you.

yeah, um… that’s all…

[hyunjins-orange-slice-too]

i am absolutely god damn fucking feral. like a rabid dog dude. are we going to talk about the v-line? like.. ik it’s big. i just know for a fact it’s big. oh my god i want to choke on it. i am so incredibly sorry for my language. i just can’t fucking do this anymore christopher. i can’t do it. i’m literally just a girl.

bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark📢

[xxplastic-cubexx]

I had the absolute dumbest idea:

X-men dating sim where you can date like any adult in the mansion

And like Charles’ route seems normal but if you get too far you get killed by Magneto and get a secret bad ending.

anon you cant say this not when i have an infatuation with imagining my faves in DATING SIMS

[antennatoheaven]

i feel like being a guy who loves fighting so much while living in a sugar plum soft world gets really boring (outside of the occassional intergalactic threat) if you feel the need to beat up a gorilla 30 fucking times. like what's the deal man? are you getting enough enrichment in your enclosure? do you wish you were in dark souls? could you maybe leave the local wildlife alone for a bit?

[critterishere]

A loving god wouldn’t let such a filthy creature exist.

[natsmagi]

why doesnt the big natsume just eat the little natsume

[seeminglyseph]

I think it matters a lot that a) everyone who has seeming offered to help Karna has done so *after* she needed it. And b) was in some way using her and therefore needed her.

In the eyes of a child, if you weren’t there when she needed you, and can’t even help yourself, what good are you to her?

[cartoonguy08]

Guys I absolutely love any type of SpyDad angst.

I can’t tell which one’s my favorite though. For me, I’m gonna be so honest I physically CANNOT draw spy being a horrible dad, yes, I can draw him being a dick, but not a complete horrible person.

Spy to me and how I portray him (because I wanna draw them in like, maybe an even more cartoony way than they already are, as you can tell from my art style) I try to make him kinda more serious than the others, still very goofy and cartoony, maybe a little sassy, and when I draw him with Scout I want him to feel empathy, I want him to feel somewhat guilty every time he’s with him, or when he is with his all he picture is his son. That is his son. And he can’t get over that, that will always be with him and remember that: I left this boy. I left this boy when he needed me most. And for that he like, will try and become more fatherly or just a father figure towards him (even though Scout get’s a little upset at it. Like, he doesn’t like being treated like a child).

I’m really bad at explaining it, but how I like to portray SpyDad is just him feeling genuinely guilty. He loves him, he loves him deep down, he just never wants to say the words themselves, or reveal that vulnerability to others. And he especially doesn’t wanna have to know the response of Scout and how he feels about it. He keeps it hidden, but in general, he is very proud of him. Not only for holding his own all the time but for being so strong during the times they face, the war, the battles, everything. He may never say it, but he is proud. Very, proud of Scout. (And he can’t help but look at him, and just see him as his kid. Mushy stuff, mushy stuff ik)

But god, I absolutely LOVE these other ways Spy is portrayed as a father and how he feels after this time.

- Spy tries to connect with Scout but realizes the entire team is a completely better father figure than he will ever be, and that eats at him alive? YES, LET THE MAN SUFFER YEEES!!

- Spy doesn’t even try to connect with Scout because the team is taking care of him already, and even when Scout wants to connect with him Spy shoos him away? WHAT AN ASSHOLE BUT YES IM EATING IT UP!!

- Spy’s guilt destroys him slowly because after all this time Scout doesn’t even care that he’s his father, and instead shrugs it off as just another problem? BRO, BRO ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

Every one of these, and there’s PLENTY more, but these three made me think about how much k want to see this asshole suffer from being a deadbeat father who decided to leave, flea. Never getting to give the love Scout wanted from a father figure. Yeah he had his mother, but what if he just wanted his dad? What was he supposed to do? Scout suffered from Spy’s absence, so now Spy suffers the consequences. I. Eat. This. Up. Never in my life would I be so invested in something as much as this but I’m DEEP, my mind thinks about them 24/7. This is insane. I’m going insane.

Spy. Spy seriously dude, wtf are you doing?

Don’t be like spy. We must be better than spy. Because he is an awful father.

(If spy isn’t gonna better himself I’ll make him, literally)

[queerofthedagger]

the entirety of morgoth's ring is just an insane fucking book. what do you mean after 10 volumes of history of middle earth you can still make me go crawl up the walls chewing through brick. like. jesus fucking christ.

[coolnonsenseworld]

Omg your instagram story is so right! I can’t believe I’ve never even noticed that, probably because in fanon keith and shiro are so close that I’d forgotten that isn’t canon :0

Deserves this awesome quote which I had to dig out of my sideblog reblogs

[plan-3-tmars]

Is this what Happiness is?

- hey so I haven't seen an interpretation of the bar scenes in Half that I fully agree with, so I wanted to throw my own two cents out there into the void and pray that it makes sense !!!

so, in the bar scenes in Half we see what I interpret as a hangout with old friends (or, hangout with old friend + his wife.) These scenes used to be the biggest piece of evidence for the cheater theory, but now that that's been debunked by the man himself, I have a new way of looking at them

~ before I go any further, I just wanted to say that I'll be calling the brown-haired woman whiskey for simplicity's sake

In this scene, Kazui turns to look at Whiskey, saying the lyrics:

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

With my guess (cuz that's really what it is there's no evidence for it) that Whiskey is the Bartender's wife i think this scene is Kazui being conflicted with what he's been told is true, that marrying Hinako is "true love", versus what he feels is true, that marrying Hinako has brought distance into their relationship.

He looks at Whiskey, a woman happily married, and wonders why his relationship with Hinako isn't like that.

~ shout out to @prisoner-000 for the following screenshot

in this post he points out that Hinako and Kazui's rings are silver in Cat, not gold like they were in Half, yet Bartender's ring colour stays the same.

For the sake of this writing I'm going to go with the first meaning they put out, that Bartender's ring is gold because his marriage is genuine.

But wait!! I hear you ask. This is Half and Kazui's ring is still gold in Half!! EXACTLY MY FRIEND!!

Kazui's ring IS still gold in Half because at the time of these scenes he's still fooling himself that this relationship is good, that he will eventually garner real romantic feelings for Hianko.

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

Remember this lyric that plays during the Whiskey -> Hinako scene. You know what other scene in Half this lyric reminds me of?

laughing together, side by side,

this distance in our relationship is misleading me,

is this what happiness is?

He's beginning to doubt if what he believes is true, he's beginning to believe the feelings telling him something's wrong (and remember, the scene right after this one is when he confesses (?) his secret to Hinako) ARE infact true, and that maybe the logic he's been following for so long has a couple holes in it.

I think these scenes are meant to show Kazui gradually realising that his relationship with Hinako will not work out. It just won't, no matter how hard he tries.

He's able to laugh together and talk with Whiskey because she's his friend, yet he can't do the same with his own wife? Even though, according to his gold ring, their relationship is supposed to be real and true and genuine?

[laurrelise]

once again rambling about five and lila because i’m fucking pissed. enjoy

“five and lila were perfect for each other because they had so much in common” yet so many perfect couples have absolutely nothing in common???

they could relate to each other in ways that made them hate each other and that’s why they were SUCH good foil characters, i don’t understand why the romance had to be necessary.

there is absolutely no reason that this romance plotline should’ve been created. it was so ridiculously off-focus from what the plot was (AND should have been) and it literally only made the season so much worse.

do writers understand that not every single character has to fall in love with one another? i mean genuinely?

personally i don’t believe five is aro (though he could be ace) because i can’t help but love five’s love for delores (even if she wasn’t real) but i completely understand five aroace truthers because he truly can be independent romantically as we saw in the show.

i cannot wrap my fucking head around the fact that the writers saw two awesome, dynamic, badass characters with arcs and goals outside of love and attention and decided to turn their personalities inside out and upside down for a dumbass dead-end romance that makes zero sense.

five and lila were the only two people on god’s green earth who could understand each other and hated the other for it. why couldn’t they just be frenemies and call it a day?

god fucking damn it i’m so upset

shoutout to 13 year old 58 year old five hating lila and 29 year old lila despising the fuck out of little five !!! <3

fuck you to the worst, most nonsensical couple of all time and space ❌❌

[ghost-bard]

something has possessed me i think bc why am i in the year 2024 thinking about merlin/gwaine but also merlin/lancelot but also gwaine/merlin/lancelot. what have i done to deserve this

[thegreatyin]

How did you manage to handle not one, but FOUR separate accounts in fl? I recently made the account for my HD little guy but having to do the tutorial again just seems miserable

there's... weirdly several answers to that question, actually??

a HUGE part of it is due to the way FL is structured. the 10-minute action timer is a core part of the game on a fundamental level, and the fact that i can very easily run out of stuff to do on one character and thus have an excuse to quickly and easily swap to another is just... convenient? satisfying? i'm not entirely sure how to explain it. the fact that i can make progress even while i am fundamentally simultaneously Not Making Progress is like pure dopamine for my freak insane awful little brain. there's just something really pleasing about spending all of my actions pursuing The Goal Of The Day™ on one account before casually swapping to another and doing the same without feeling like i'm wasting time or acting to the first account's explicit detriment. the downtime helps! the recharge time helps! the structure really really works!!

i'm technically only actively playing three, maybe two accounts minimum. the only reason the fourth (the one that'll be my future BaL playthrough) currently exists at all is so i can get his earlygame completely out of the way now and not have to waste time running through it all later, when what i actually want to do is play the ambition i've made myself wait a full year to play. and also getting free goodies as seasonal stuff happens,, something something surprise tools to help us later. the only two accounts i'd say i'm really "actively playing" at the moment are caeru and lark- and of the two, lark takes the most priority, since his ambition is the one i'm currently pursuing in earnest. for a couple months now- despite being My Main FL Character- the scoundrel has actually been pretty inactive on a gameplay front outside of the occasional progression in TLC and discordance content. purely by virtue of having Very little left to do outside of Very long-term grinds and vanities. they're in their "now what?" "now you can start playing the game" era. they've graduated to previous protagonist background cameo in a sequel anime series. they're like the yin FLPC equivalent of red at the top of mount silver. they're Literally just vibing rn. i only keep posting about them regardless because i'm insane and i will never ever ever ever ever let that bat go. but yeah, big TLDR, outside of doing the bare minimum to keep making waves/notability up every week, i'm not actually spending that much time on accounts i'm not currently actively interested in playing. and that accounts for way more gaming spoons than you might think.

i have a virtually lifelong history of playing MMOs, especially and specifically world of warcraft. i was born in the endless grind for useless video game pixel vanities and/or bragging rights. molded by it. you all have merely adapted to doing the same piece of content a pointlessly excessive amount of times for literally no reason besides whimsy and folly. me? i've done my time. i've served my sentence. i've spent weeks doing the original burning crusade netherwing dailies. i've devoted days to running praetorium over and over and over again, back-to-back, nonstop, long before square enix cut it in half and made it NOT take at minimum an hour and a half per run. i've perfected my silverwastes + auric basin goldfarming strategies. i've (almost) crafted dragonwrath tarecgosa's rest. i've killed the sha of anger so many times its dying scream of agony is embedded into the very fabric of my being. ""only"" doing making your name content four times over? that is nothing to me. it means nothing to me. it is so infinitesimal i can do the persuasive seduction quests in my sleep. it's not a matter of handling misery, or having the capacity, or even sighing as i remember the brass embassy raid segment of the watchful questline seriously i don't know why i keep forgetting that exists or what even is my problem with it i just am so consistently mildly inconvenienced by it and its highly specific resource requirements and it is the worst thing ever. maybe i'm just so used to the scoundrel's near-infinite money and troves of disposable items that i've completely forgotten what being poor is like. despite having done that step 3 fucking times now. ahem. anyway. i have transcended the feeble mortal bindings of my resistant-to-grinding flesh and ascended to a higher plane of enlightenment, they may call me insane but they will be the ones left laughing when they see what that "insanity" has wrought, i've usurped them, i've usurped them all-

hacks and coughs and awkwardly clears my throat. i mean. uh. um. Ahem.

the empress' court artistry + tales of the university nerfs helped too.