#I’m trying to journal but it’s hard

[mercurialsmile]

Me every day of the week: existence is a pain. I feel like a fraud. No matter what I do I have no sense of time, cannot function properly as an adult, and am burdened by crippling doubt, self-loathing, and failure. My past mistakes and trauma weighs on me every second of every day. The only way for me to get through this is to talk to someone.

Me when I talk to my therapist: yeah actually everything is fine! I can’t think of anything to talk about! My life is a bore! Here’s your $100, see you in two weeks!

[stockholmgf]

i have to mute myself every day on the phone with my bf so i can “tell” him all about the surprises i’m working on for him cause i simply cannot keep my mouth shut

[chialattea]

Nami WIP + some chibi doodles heheeee

[goldkirk]

.

[pink-lemonadefairy]

[masteroffakesmiles]

cried a bit during my driving lesson today (check tags)

Not happy about that

[planet4546b]

its been years since i’ve done anything for national poetry month but i wanna take a run at doing a poem a day again like i used to. historically ive only ever written journal poetry and i wanna try out narrative poetry. see how it goes

[yawpyawp]

my family is so nice but SO BORING like our gatherings are just everyone sitting around and staring at each other in silence

literally nobody has common interests or knows how to have a conversation with each other

[trash-bin-ary]

You mentioned music so now I’m curious :3 What kind of music do you listen to?

Too much, if ever I have free time I’m listening to music. Today I was listening to the garages, and they have a billion albums that can have different genres so specifically the Lo-Fi ones. And also the radio cause I love listening to university public radios, they always have wacky indie stuff. {and also they have these little fact asides that I love like today I learned that aboriginal Australians “Highway” systems reflect star charts}

Another favorite The Dear Hunter, I went to one of their concerts before and I loved it so much, it also introduced me to the opener “the world is a beautiful place and I am no longer afraid to die”

[athetos]

I really haven’t been myself lately and I can feel this changing me and I so, so badly want it to be for the better I want to be more like my brother but I fear it’s swinging the other way and I’m going to become a monster. I’m not like this, this isn’t me. All these nightmares and constant reminders and grief is slowly consuming me and I don’t know how to break free. Every time I try to talk about it I feel like someone’s strangling me. I can’t tell if I’m avoiding directly acknowledging this or if it’s that the world keeps conspiring to stop me from processing it. It’s like the end of I saw the tv glow when he’s sobbing and pleading for somebody to help him and nobody so much as glances at him but I can’t tell if that’s really what’s happening or if I’m the one hiding my pain. Nobody asks me about it but whether it’s out of respect and the assumption I’d bring it up if I wanted to, or that they don’t want to hear about it because it would be too overwhelming, or that they don’t care and have already forgotten, is beyond me. So I have to resort to crying in the shower and lashing out at people who don’t deserve to see this side of me. I can feel myself slipping and I’ve worked too hard to let this just get away from me but it’s even harder to be better. I can’t even find comfort in my own family because they process everything so differently, they don’t have the answers I seek. It’s so unfair that time keeps marching forward when it should have ground to a halt, how am I expected to process these things when I have to work 40 hours a week and pay my bills and get groceries and do laundry? I blink and a week has gone past. I need to be better but I’m not sure if I have the strength to put in the effort. I want to turn my pain and regret into warmth and kindness. Sometimes it’s so hard though to care about other people, even with high empathy, because a selfish part of me is angry that it hasn’t been able to grieve. I think about life had brought my brother and I the closest we had ever been just recently and he was taken away despite there being so many other people more deserving of death, that I never got to tell him all these things I planned to say when I saw him next, how much I loved and admired him and he had grown, and ironically enough in his passing I am afraid I am doing the opposite, I am afraid I’m going to become the worst version of myself, and bring everyone else down with me. I am impatient and rude and quick to anger and petty. I don’t want this hole in my heart in the shape of my brother to define me. I don’t want all the qualities I loved in myself to have been burnt to ashes alongside him. I need to remember how to breathe and how to sleep and how to talk calmly and softly. I need to remember how to be me, and then become something bigger and brighter and better. It’s just so goddamn hard when all I want to do is shatter windows and scream.

[kimjunnoodle]

i got outta bed and did little things to clean my room and freshen my environment :)

[sassygwaine]

the insistence that “palatable autistics” are better/more believed/more respected/more cared for

feels a lot like the good gay fallacy

there is no variety autistic you can be that is acceptable to society at large, just like there is no amount of queer you can be that keeps you 100% safe from harm

there are ways you can behave that disguise you on the radar but people always know you’re different even if they can’t place the reason

and a lot of us do not have the ability to disguise ourselves and a lot of us do not want it anyway, and the false dichotomy of

people think you’re cute and quirky

people think you’re weird and offputting

isn’t a dichotomy so much as it is different thoughts people have about you at different times in different situations

as an autistic there is no amount of kind and empathetic and quiet you can be that stops people from going what the fuck is wrong with you when you have a reaction to something you literally can’t control

if you are too kind and empathetic and quiet people question whether you’re actually autistic

and if you are an autistic who is not kind or empathetic or quiet, then you are treated cruelly from the start and thus have to begin every interaction in defense of yourself or unaware the tables are turned against you

and if you are not white, your actions and motives are suspect at best, and can and will get you murdered

truly, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t in the eyes of everyone else

why do we have to pit ourselves against each other, too?

[phantom-does-a-thing]

Feel like it should be alarming about how bad my memory has been lately… but wtf am I supposed to do about this?

[milo-is-rambling]

Today is good I think. My brain isn’t fully happy my body isn’t fully happy but I’m treating myself kindly anyways

[werebutch]

I’ve tried to have that conversation multiple times and it always ends up like this by the way

[dogtiber]

Tiber had some really nice dog interactions this morning!

we met another whippet and I let him off lead in the public park for the first time!

Tiber was going absolutely berserk about having a friendly sighthound running circles around him and play bowing. I didn’t have his harness on him this morning, only his collar, and I couldn’t get him to calm down all the way and was worried he’d choke himself. he’s been getting to a good place with his recall lately and we’ve been discussing trying him off lead in the smaller quieter park anyway, and the other whippet seemed really well trained and responsive to her owner so I figured if I let him off he’d want to stick close to play with her.

he did really well! got some nice zoomies out and was really good about coming back to me. I usually ask him to tap his nose on my hand for recall and he was a little too distracted to follow through completely with that, but he was very very good about running by me to check in and reorienting towards me when called. I think we have a little more work to do, but I’m very proud of him!

I kept it short and got him back on leash once they were done running their circles.

a little later on our walk we ran into a very old lurcher. they both wanted to greet each other very badly, and Tiber was being very polite about it, so I walked him over. she was 14! he was very gentle with her, but was also play bouncing a lot lol just giving her some extra space when he did so. she bounced around back at him a little, but I think she was too old and wobbly to really go for it. but it was very cute watching them bounce at each other. her owners were very sweet and we chatted a bit and that was very nice.

and then we had a nice passing by greeting with a little daschund on the way home. as always with daschunds he was entirely enamored with her. they had a little cute happy sniff session.

those were the big exciting ones today, but he’s been doing better about dogs on our walks in general lately too! I’m very proud of him. I am thinking tho that I want to try to find some more opportunities to give him outlets for his dog friend excitement.

the other day, he was very good about waiting for the ok to go greet a little terrier-thing while we asked his owner if they could say hi. and he was being so self-disciplined but ALSO soooo excited. he literally plonked his ass down and just sat there vibrating in place until he could go up.

it was very funny and cute to witness and he’s being so good and trying so hard. but I’m worried he’s getting amped up too much trying to hold back and worried about him going over threshold? Idk I gotta see if I can find any info on excited reactivity I guess.

here he is passed out on the couch after exciting walk^^