#honey nut depressios

[mercurialsmile]

Honestly tired of trying to explain my MI symptoms and ppl butting in and trying to guess/assume a diagnosis

Yes I have attention issues, audio processing issues, no sense of time, am fidgety, and struggle starting/finishing things. No i am not adhd. That was specifically discarded when I went to the doctor and had tests preformed

Yes I struggle making eye contact and am very sensitive toward others and have issues interpreting others. No I’m not autistic. I was checked as a child

Idk I’m tired of all these labels. I don’t need a label to still have symptoms. Just cause I don’t have a label doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle. Stop trying to be my doctor. I’m focusing on managing and getting better, not labels.

Ugh

[k--havok]

Ok so good thing: my new protocol for my TMS treatments is gonna be much shorter than what I’ve been doing by a LOT (3 min instead of 20 min)

Another good thing: I finally got an appt with a new therapist after being unable to find someone for a while

And I even had a decent albeit very busy weekend

I’m gonna see if I can drag my laptop out and answer some asks. Still not feeling up for writing unfortunately… just got no words in the noggin and the Gut Feeling is saying No but I suppose me not wanting to cease existing for over 24 hours is a step in the right direction

[redreaping]

     the rwby cast are having a Normal one today

[rhaenyratargeryn]

I'm having yet another bout of the honey nut depressios, so I bought a microwave muffin (on sale for 1.99 and 12g of protein!) Ate that with a side of BBQ chips and watched Babe (1995) and life seems bareable once again

[hopeled]

empatheorem event info

will i ever have a muse that doesn’t reuire an essay post? probably not

PHYSICALLY

Ritsuka is just, an average human and a third rate mage, so there’s nothing too different about how you! unless you weren’t human originally. you need mystic codes to use magecraft, but they’re all fashionable!

you are fully unlocked: all mystic codes +their spells back. you also have a high resistance to poison and mana, as well as immunity to mystics under god-level [ think of being charmed, paralyzed, etc etc]. on your right hand is Command Seals, used to issue commands to your Servants but you’ve not once needed to use them in Spirale (save for Mistified)

okay here’s where we get deep. you may be human now but you’ve suffered a lot physically and it shows. your body is covered in scars of all types. (for more description, they’re listed in her stats page here) some of the more newer scars are darker and more visible on your skin (i.e. a bite mark on your left from when you shoved your arm into a Shades mouth during Security Breach), but the most prominent one is the one you received from dying during Mistified from BB’s scythe. it’s mostly healed, but you will feel the ghost sensation of being impaled, as well as sharp jabs of pain every so often on both your abdomen and upper back, between your shoulders blades.

 originally, your fingertips were the only part of your hands discolored black (due to near necrosis from pushing yourself too far back during Uruk) but that has now extended all the way down to your wrists, fading in color to your regular skintone. this is a result of the toll the Black Barrel Replica has had on you. while feeling in your fingertips was on and off, it extends to where the black covers your hands. sometimes you feel things normally, others you need to grip in order to even be sure you’re holding something as not to drop it. your Command Seals are still vibrant but it looks off to others. you no longer wear gloves to hide the discoloration

 you have plenty of body aches and pain due to all your body has been through, both in your world and on the island. you push through them, of course. they don’t bother you because you’ve grown used it, much to the chagrin of others

you are strong! physically, humanly strong. you’ve also recieved hand to hand combat training from your bff Aelin, so you know how to handle yourself.

 sy goodbye to your sleep schedule and get ready for only sleeping 3,4 hours before waking up at 2 am. you get just enough rest to avoid any dark circles under your eyes, but that’s about it

you are reckless. like, massively reckless. the ‘ looks death in the eye and doesn’t flinch’ sort of reckless

EMOTIONALLY

 you are naturally a kind and sunny person, but after joining Chaldea and being all you’ve been through, this has extended to acting as some sort of mask or cover. you use the smiles and the cheerfulness to cover up everything else, you don’t want to burden anyone with your emotions

 you do not talk about your death. you haven’t mentioned it once ever since after returning from the Abyss and you do not plan to. 

you always carry the guilt of destroying the Lostbelts with you. you do not put it down or ignore it because you can’t. you owe it to them, don’t you? to remember them, to remember the faces belonging to a world you helped snuff out to save your own. you carry that guilt around your shoulders like a blanket and use it to keep going. 

you always think people can do better than you. that there’s someone out there who is better for your job, that maybe if it was anyone else, things wouldn’t have gotten like this. you don’t feel as if you are enough for this, that someone else can do more, but you don’t have the luxury of making this about ‘you’ and you don’t. you may feel like you aren’t enough, but you must do this. you don’t have a choice. you have to be enough, you have to be

it is because of this that you’re self-sacrificial, practically martyring yourself to save the world. whatever is asked of you, you do. you give it. and you don’t complain about it. you can’t be selfish and most of the time, the world doesn’t ask before it takes. but it’s fine. so long as you’re still standing, still able to fight, then you keep going and you keep giving. 

your empathy and compassion is bordering on self-destruction. selfishness is not really in your vocabulary, but you don’t really think you can be.

whetever fate lays before you, you’re accepting of it, after all, you know you’ll be punished for the sins and the blood so thick on your hands that they can never be clean again. of course. you’ll fight like hell. you always do-- you can’t rest until the world is safe once again. and whatever that cost may be, you’ll pay it without complaint

you are always afraid. you feel fear as much as everyone, but you push on with it. it’s okay to be scared. you just won’t let the fear rule you

you’ve dissociated from your pain. if anyone asks, you pretty much say it’s your duty to bear it without batting an eyelash. thisis how you cope. you don’t think on it, don’t dwell on it, and don’t pay it mind much anymore. your problems and issues are the least of any concern right now

not many people understand you. in fact, very very few do and that’s okay. you know you’re not alright, that what you’ve been through has changed you so much and hardly anyone can comprehend it. but, as long as they’re willing to fight with you, then that’s all that matters

oh, you have anger. you have plenty of anger, but it takes much for your anger to be shown. you instead keep it down, tucked neatly within. 

[wizard-butch]

Serve me up a steamin hot pile of honey nut depressios

[trickstarbrave]

i havent actually hung out with or had a decent conversation with anyone in like a week lmao

human interaction? companionship? interpersonal relationships? dont know them

[mercurialsmile]

I fucking hate TMS therapy

I’m fatigued and even more exhausted all the time, irritable, numb at best, confused, and have literally no interest in doing anything. Even watching stuff is difficult for me to do atm. And when I do try and participate in my hobbies my thought process is so slow. Like I’m thinking through mud

I have no idea how this is supposed to be making me feel better bc all its doing is making me jealous of the earth worms under my feet

[mercurialsmile]

Me every day of the week: existence is a pain. I feel like a fraud. No matter what I do I have no sense of time, cannot function properly as an adult, and am burdened by crippling doubt, self-loathing, and failure. My past mistakes and trauma weighs on me every second of every day. The only way for me to get through this is to talk to someone.

Me when I talk to my therapist: yeah actually everything is fine! I can’t think of anything to talk about! My life is a bore! Here’s your $100, see you in two weeks!

[mercurialsmile]

Honestly it’s so insane to meet other ppl at my age who are already so put together like.

Depression and anxiety has just stolen. A lot from my entire life.

Or maybe I’m just failing at life. Not sure yet tbh. I’m 25 and have next to nothing to my name.

No novel. No house. No recognition. Nothing.

Idk my mind is wandering

[mercurialsmile]

I’m still so fucking pissed I don’t know what to do with myself

I hate my Dr office I hate being passed around between doctors and counselors like I’m a piece of trash rather than a person. I’m so tired and so done

[mercurialsmile]

I’m so fucking done with all these god damn pills and this stupid fucking doctor office and all this bullshit about TMS that didn’t even fucking work and cost me over $1000

Plus I’d rather be miserable and have my libido back

[k--havok]

God this is my last week of TMS and I really hope my NP doesn't decide to extend my treatment bc idk how much more of this I can take

i was feeling r r good the past few weeks and now ive crashed again near the end and I just wanna curl up and Be Done.

[mercurialsmile]

today i had to fill out some forms for my dr appt next week and she gave me a perceived deficits questionnaire and I. uhh.

hm. i hope thats not worrying

[mercurialsmile]

I’m so dead after tonight and I just wanna sleep

I have such a headache and feel weird in a non-neurotypical way

[mercurialsmile]

No wonder I’m still suffering w depression. Can’t recall the last time I got to see the Sun due to working nights and with the way the house is set up I’m confined to my bedroom as my mom sleeps in the living room which is open to everything else in the house.

On my off days where I’m supposed to be able to work on things and enjoy my hobbies I can’t. And being stuck in a room for 10 hours straight as to not wake someone else up is honestly hell

Love my mom to pieces and Ik we’re still renovating but this is getting difficult to deal with mentally.