#I’m trying so hard to make it worth it
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Growing up as an only child people would always like talking to me and say I’m nice and generous then when they found out that I’m an only child they’d tell me “oh so you’re spoiled and don’t know how to share?”. And it was always so frustrating because why would I be spoiled? Yes both of my parents attention was only on me but they raised me right? And I’ve met people that are spoiled and not brats, like spoiled brat and spoiled are two different things.
And I love sharing and always have bc I never had anyone to share with so I like letting other people use my stuff. One of my friends that I did so many things for all of middle school (I gave her homework answers, pencils, erasers, bandaids, some of my lunch, gum, etc) told me that I don’t know how to share because I’m an only child. We’re not friends anymore because at one point she started rushing me to do my work so she could copy and she would not let me concentrate and she wouldn’t copy my shit while I was doing it and then she’d get mad at me because she was failing. But anyway, I was a little mad because you KNOW me, but you’re just gonna say that because why, exactly? It was like people were always telling me what I should be like and telling me that I don’t understand any childhood experiences.
And then I get told I must not know how to compromise just because I’m an only child? Like what? I will do anything to please you so what the hell are you talking about.
And people go on rants saying that parents need to start having more than two children because they hate only children. I’ve seen this so many times and it makes me a little sad because my parents tried, okay? Generalizing is not cool. They’ll hate only children just because they had a bad experience with someone that happened to be an only child. And then I’ll make friends with someone and when they find out I’m an only child they’ll tell me they never would’ve guessed because they hate only children. Thanks, I guess?
“You must not have a very good family bond” uhh why? My cousins are the closest thing I ever had as siblings growing up and I genuinely don’t understand when they would say this because it doesn’t mean I can’t bond with people my age.
“You probably get everything you want” i was told this just because I bought a new notebook when my old one ran out of pages. Again, what is the thought process here because it’s not like I can ask for anything and get it just because I’m the only kid my parents have.
I would say I’m lonely and want a sister and people would get straight up mad at me. “No you don’t you’re lucky” and you think there aren’t things I want that you have too? I literally feel so alone 24/7 but I guess I’m not allowed to feel that because at least I get privacy.
They also always assume I’m rich. I am very much not rich and I did have friends that lived in bigger houses and it made me so insecure about mine. Idk what it is about assuming only children are rich. I wish being an only child came with that bc then I’d never complain again. But unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
Anyways. This was a random rant. I just remembered that I would get so frustrated because I would literally cry from the fact that I didn’t have a best friend or someone like a sibling to talk to, and then I’d be told my feelings weren’t valid. I know this is such a non issue, but just sharing I guess.
#idk it’s midnight#can’t sleep#and I’m feeling lonely and this was the result#I might go crazy if I can’t find a best friend that will call me their best friend back#everyone seems to have their person but me and that’s not fair#only child#only child core#if anyone gets mad bc they can’t handle someone has a different experience I swear#rant#midnight rant#random post#and when my parents die I’ll be alone#I literally cry thinking of it#and I either live up to their expectations or literally nothing else bc J haven’t really thought of a plan b#all the pressure is on me and that kind of sucks#only child culture#only kid things#but yeah call me spoiled just because my parents couldn’t reproduce another offspring#the fact that I’m so scared to not be okay because my parents only have one daughter#I’m trying so hard to make it worth it#only child experience#spoiled brat#according to everyone#eldest child#middle child#and when they say ‘attention whore’ as if said attention doesn’t feel like being under a microscope sometimes
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sorry i need to just scream abt bad things and evil thoughts
#financial aid is still pending and deadlines are past due so i won’t be going to school#i crashed my car in to a tree the other day#my application for healthcare also is ‘pending’ and they won’t give me an answer at all about approving or denying it#my last hope is a job interview i have on wednesday and i’m hoping i can finally get hired full time soemhwere#simply because i can get insurance that will HOPEFULLY cover reduction/top surgery#but at this point i’m so worn out and exhausted#the idea of having to work for a whole year and then attend a whole year of dr visits trying to convince them i need this#plus consultations#and the possibility of still being denied#makes me feel insane and i want to give up on the life race#all that work does not seem worth it i can’t picture my mental health being good enough for that for the next 2-3 years#also there is something i really want to draw but no matter how hard i try it’s not working#anyways if u made it this far thanks#hope you have a good day
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad���s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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Please take all the time you need…I will wait for you..
I will do anything even start from the beginning…just for you…
Whenever you feel the moment is right…I will wait for you..,
#please just…be reasonable…#please don’t be reckless#I will learn#I will start over again despite our history just for you#I will wait for you..#whenever you feel is right#just know I’m here…waiting for you…#please be safe#please don’t bend your morals…#please be okay#please if you want me in your life#coz I want you in my life so badly and desperately#I’ll be here…#you’re all I ever need and want#you’re the only one for me#so please take your time I will be here#don’t take it far…please…I’m begging#I’m fighting hard even tho it’s difficult day by day but because it’s you it’s worth it to keep fighting#I want to be pure for you because you’re that special to me#I don’t want anybody else#and I want you all to myself…#I selfishly want you all to myself#whenever you’re ready…I’ll be here#you’re my everything so it is worth the wait…#whenever you’re ready please just reach out#I’m trying so hard to hold it in and work on myself as you work on yourself but day by day it gets more difficult and I break a little more#but this is not a pity party…i gotta keep going making progress if there’s even a slight chance of us…#I wish somehow we could just oversee each other’s lives and see how miserable we are#regardless if it’s true…I hold your eternal heart…I have the keys to your happiness…and most importantly you still want me in your life#I will wait however long or short for you…I’ll be here…
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writing update :)
-i know i said painter au chapter 9 was nearly finished but then i … decided to essentially rewrite it lol (i’m much happier with it now it’ll be worth the extra wait) it’s still not finished but i’m back in the groove and making good progress now
-i wrote a oneshot that people seem to really be enjoying! you know i love a little wilmon confronting trauma moment
-lake house .. so sorry to my lake house stans but editing it is tedious and i really don’t want to update until i’ve edited the past chapters, plus i think chapter 10 may need some rewrites so i’m not sure when she’ll be out but i promise it’s not abandoned! bear with me 😫
-lastly: i don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up but twitter got ahold of my maddierosh fic and really loved it so there’s been some … ideas for a follow up bouncing around in my little brain … it’s not my priority but sometimes i like to churn out a oneshot if i’m struggling with my longer pieces so who knows
thank you for your patience; and if you want faster updates i swear almost every comment i receive genuinely spurs me to open my google docs app and keep going in that very moment so do not underestimate the effectiveness of dropping a short lil comment on an old piece if you’re feeling impatient <3
#i know it’s hard to follow fics when there’s not consistent updates so it truly means so much to me#that people are invested even though im not able to work on such a tight schedule#was just journaling about the difference between working from a place of trying to create content#versus making art#because there is such a difference when i treat my writing updates as social media updates that should be churned out quickly#vs actually making sure that the things im making are deeply aligned with the things i am aiming to examine#i would rather work closely and intentionally and deeply even if that is a slower process#because i know that is the way to create things that truly move people and stick with them which is really important to me#if people are going to spend their time reading my work i want to honor that by giving the most that i can in return#because it really does blow my mind and make my heart feel like it might explode knowing that people are reading my stories#like these things that live in my brain? are in the world? someone commented they were eating breakfast through tears#and i felt so horribly tender towards that person i will never know it just.#is so moving to me#and i’m very very grateful#and all the waiting will be worth it i promise
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it’s my weekend and I don’t have any appointments and it’s been snowing since like 2am so I’m having an indoor day to keep slowly organizing the new apartment and on purpose didn’t take my adhd meds (only have a few left and I’d rather save them for work if I’m going to have trouble refilling with all the weather closures) and Soup Brain certainly hits different when it’s not a workday. the lack of focus and memory still isn’t helpful but at least it doesn’t feel harmful when I forget what I’m supposed to be doing for an extended period of time.
#shhh sharkie#idk how to write anything simple without rambling so this is what you get#been slowly working on making big unorganized piles into smaller more organized piles and putting Away away what I can#it’s been a work in progress!!#at some point I need to go get furniture to replace what I left at the old place but we’ll get there when we get there#and to fill in new needs gaps#i’m still kinda mad I left the table cause I really liked it but I was so tired and frustrated trying to take it apart and it wasnt worth it#but anyway. I like the new place and it’s doing well for me and Sansa and I can’t wait for it to be acceptable enough to have people over!!#OH YEAH ANYWAY. SOUP BRAIN.#sometimes i wonder how i functioned at all before meds. my life is so much better and easier now.#it’s still difficult and sad and hard but! it’s so much easier to deal with all that stuff!! it doesn’t break me like it used to.#even on a day like today where i only took my anxiety meds and not my adhd meds#i haven’t gotten any of my written down tasks done (dishes and changing my sheets) but i have organized the crap out of several piles#(all of my costume stuff is in one box now! most of knick knacks are in the same box or on display!)#(I took out the trash! I put all the laundry in the laundry bag!)#little victories add up
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always get so pleasantly surprised when people really like my stuff i post :) love you all. whether you celebrate something or not around this time i wish you all the best <3
#i always first and foremost post for me if not otherwise stated on the post itself#and that is what i always have done and aspire to continue. but#it makes me happy to see so many likeminded people around me#sorry. i am getting sappy and emotional; today has been draining for reasons i do not know#i am very tired and it is late for me so i will try sleeping soon#i am glad to have found such a nice and large fandom in sonic. it has allowed me to try and be more approachable and friendly while still#being myself at my core interactions. this year has been strange and new and exciting so i figured i might as well try#and make some more friends. which i have; i am happy to say :’) i have always had a hard time socializing. and to find people willing#to understand the things i say even though it’s worded weirdly#and i’m happy so many can enjoy the art i post <3 it means a lot to me#especially when i feel as if i don’t do enough. i like many others have some. issues regarding worth and content but i am trying my best#and. am getting better at it 👍 i think i might be getting sick ergo the sappiness and long tags#but i don’t regret the things i say. i love you all followers mutual ppl i follow#there is so much space in my heart and i am not afraid to admit that i get attached easily and do not know where friendships begin.#but i. am willing to try and find out! if the gods are willing; hopefully a good new year for us all next week! and more commmunity and love#i hope you understand what i am trying to convey. ive been scared of being this open but if i am not then i will never know living#and loving <3 will still be posting obvs i am simply joyous rn! gonna sleep now :3
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Some days it feels like I am just desperately trying to find reasons to live so I don’t jump off a bridge and it’s hardly even working
Edit: I have spent some very necessary kitten cuddle time and received some very sweet messages from people and I am feeling more sane, definitely recommend nice people and cats lol
#listen i don’t want to be complaining all the time but this is my blog and this is where I vent so maybe just ignore this#literally searching on Pinterest and google reasons to stay alive reasons not to kill yourself etc and all they want to give me is the#crisis line number lol#i really feel like ive surpassed my limit for things I’m able to take today#and it hurts really really bad like it’s just too much#i had my annual eval with my boss a little while ago and she hates me so much she doesn’t even try to hide it#and she just disrespects me and tears me down at every turn no matter how hard I try#and im still stuck in this job by contract until January first and this job makes me want to fucking die#like you Can literally spend your days taking pictures of bloody murder scenes and talking with witnesses and victims and such and she’ll#still say you aren’t doing enough or dedicated enough to this job#and i really went in there with the notion that I was just going to roll over and take whatever she threw at me because it’s not worth it#she turns everything into a fight and all of a sudden she’s going REALLY? you REALLY think you do (this function of your job that you#definitely do multiple times a week despite her skepticism like it’s literally in my memos there’s evidence#and something that I haven’t had the heart to talk about has kind of come to fruition today#about a month ago I was cleaning out my car in preparation for my inspection and I pulled out a box from the mouse infested storage unit a#few months ago that I was just going to throw out because that stuff disgusted me too much to look at#and we had thought we had checked everything and cleaned it all before bringing it in my car or house and I pulled it out and it had#burrow holes in it from#a mouse i literally stopped typing that tag because I heard one and I took the box out and over the last few weeks I thought I heard a c#creature scurrying but I was like I’m probably just paranoid this was from months ago it’s probably gone#and today on my lunch break I started to clean my car and low and behold I found it’s little nest home thing with all kinds of makeshift#bedding and I put down poison so hopefully it will eat the poison and leave my car to get water cause they’re supposed to seek out water#and it’s like honestly I’m not sure how much more I can take right now like I’m really trying to be positive and focus on the good and all#and i just kind of wish that I could decide to die and it would happen painlessly and I’d just be gone#it would be so much easier for everyone I think if I was gone
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i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)
#i keep waking up really late on days where i don’t have class and i don’t know why#i suppose it’s because i’m debilitatingly depressed and the idea of being awake genuinely makes me want to vomit#i’m used to getting up at 7am for work and i never struggled with it but right now i just can’t do anything#and then i get more depressed and stressed and angry at myself because i’m not getting work done#i’m behind on all my deadlines and i’m trying so hard but nothing is happening because i’m too sad to function#i get this soul eating guilt and self hatred when i cancel on my friends#because i’m just the person who never follows through i always cancel and disappoint people and no one is surprised anymore#and i know i’ll be able to go to class tomorrow but i’m going to have to cancel on my friends for after that class too#because i’m too depressed to be around anyone i just want to be on my own and feel worse#i wish i could talk to someone about how bad i feel all the time but i’ve got a lifetime’s worth of feelings pent up and it’s too much#idk what to do with myself
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You really have no idea how long it takes to make a podfic until you do it yourself
#this isn’t like a jab or anything it’s an observation.#the same way someone might look at a finished painting and not know the hours of work behind it#unless you’ve done that yourself you know?#I stand by podfics being an important transformative work in fandom. for accessibility and for just the joy of making them.#and highly recommend giving it a try to really understand how much work goes into giving you fanfic audiobooks lmao#but actually okay you don’t need to try I have some numbers right here if you’d prefer#so uh the one I’m working on now. it’s a fic about 1.7k words long.#which was about ~22 minutes of recording. the recording is the easiest shortest and. usually the most fun part. because saying words is fun#but anyway that 22 minutes got edited down to around the final runtime of 13 minutes.#(this is before I go through it again to see if I should re-record a line or two.)#(usually only do that if something got Monumentally messed up because it’s sometimes hard to make two different recording sessions sync up#and sound similar enough to not throw the listener off. for me anyway. I’m not the greatest editor rip.)#anyway so. 13 minutes of podfic.#so want to guess how long the first round of editing took?#about an hour. give or take.#this stuff is time consuming! worth it! but time consuming.#so what im saying is if you see podfics that are multiple hours long. salute your troops.
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lol as soon as I match with someone on tinder, I delete the app because I’m a scaredy cat and don’t want to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known 😅
#I just wanna kiss!#I don’t want to date or meet someone new!#I want to already know you and have inside jokes and already feel comfortable around you!#very realistic#girl looked really cute so I’ll try to focus on feeling flattered than feeling shitty that I chickened out#I’m just a silly lil guy who can’t talk to strangers to save his life I don’t know what to tell ya 🤷🏻♂️#this is the last post about it I promise#deleted the account. deleted the app.#my life is just… ugh such a mess that I really just… I can’t go and do much of anything#my profile basically said I just want to get late-night slushees and make-out and that’s literally about all I can do at this point 😬#which sounded good but I realized I don’t want to do small talk about my shitty life and feel like I’m convincing them I’m worth their time#even if it’s just a few hours of awkward groping and messy kissing I want them to actually want me#aaaand I just can’t reconcile that maybe someone actually might want me. at least not some stranger who only knows me from a few pictures#I have such a hard time believing I’m worth all the trouble#it’ll be okay 😬#a little yearning is good for you#which must mean a lotta yearning is great!#blegh#dating apps suck#meeting anyone in general sucks#everything just sucks#or it doesn’t and I’m just being shitty…#you can ignore this#take it sleazy#text
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Executive dysfunction revelation today lads.
#ra speaks#personal#i got myself a game that I really want to play. so so badly.#and I finally have time today without any pressing issues/other urgent work!#BUT brain says no. what if I don’t like it? what if I don’t enjoy it? what if it doesn’t feel worth it?#and initially I was thinking yeah makes sense it’s a gameplay style I’m not very familiar/comfortable with#but I realize this is EXACTLY how I feel about work/school things. it’s not that I want it to be perfect I just want it to feel satisfying#and it never does! so I keep trying to make it better which LOOKS like perfectionism when I’m really just chasing self satisfaction!#justification for all my hard work that it was worth it in the end does this make sense hello am I insane#need to post this so I remember to tell my psyche abt this when we meet next month
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sometimes it’s hard to be a ray of sunshine
#Constantly smiling to make up for the bad mood of those around you is kind of draining#Sometimes it feel unfair that I try so hard to be perky becuase the world is such a beautiful place and other people just want to sit there#and shit all over it#look outside! The sun! The clouds! Bird song! Rain! Laughter! The world is full of tiny beautiful things#everywhere all the time!#If you want to be miserable fine but I wold really appreciate it if you didn’t treat me badly for not being miserable#I’m sorry I’m ”annoying loud and r*tarded* becuase I think life is worth living if only to see another golden hour#im sorry you wish I would shut up#but maybe being nice isn’t cringey#I’m going to keep telling people that their comment is interesting#even if they’ve repeated the same tidbit five times and it’s annoying#becuase You know what? It’s so important to them they’ve tried five times to make sure it’s heard!#Everyone deserves kindess#and angry as you might be you deserve it to#actuallyautistic#therapist friend#Okay vent over im good now
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wailing wailing rent to smithereens How do people pack without wanting to fucking implode into a miserable pile of goop
#all it does is make me feel fucking stupid#and Frivolous#because it’s so easy for everyone around me and meanwhile i’m racking my brain trying to figure out which dress to chuck#and i don’t usually feel frivolous but also it’s hard not to when you’re almost in tears trying to decide between shirts#but also presentation is super important to me!!#so i can’t decide if i’m being stupid about this or not#and meanwhile all i get from family is ‘you need to pack less’#you think i don’t know that????#i’m trying but i don’t know how !!!#i just don’t know!!!!#and the sonboy keeps knocking my meds into the toilet#because i don’t know or remember that the door’s open#and he’s already ruined like a week’s worth of prescription medications!!!#and my mom keeps saying ‘well why doesn’t this make you remember to close the door/toilet’#hi i have multiple mental illnesses that fuck with my memory and habit forming#you think i Like this happening?? because i don’t!! i don’t !!!!!#brb weeping in a corner#idk what to do and i just feel so dumb#medic's log
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