#I’m trying so hard to make it worth it
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valewritessss · 3 months ago
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Growing up as an only child people would always like talking to me and say I’m nice and generous then when they found out that I’m an only child they’d tell me “oh so you’re spoiled and don’t know how to share?”. And it was always so frustrating because why would I be spoiled? Yes both of my parents attention was only on me but they raised me right? And I’ve met people that are spoiled and not brats, like spoiled brat and spoiled are two different things.
And I love sharing and always have bc I never had anyone to share with so I like letting other people use my stuff. One of my friends that I did so many things for all of middle school (I gave her homework answers, pencils, erasers, bandaids, some of my lunch, gum, etc) told me that I don’t know how to share because I’m an only child. We’re not friends anymore because at one point she started rushing me to do my work so she could copy and she would not let me concentrate and she wouldn’t copy my shit while I was doing it and then she’d get mad at me because she was failing. But anyway, I was a little mad because you KNOW me, but you’re just gonna say that because why, exactly? It was like people were always telling me what I should be like and telling me that I don’t understand any childhood experiences.
And then I get told I must not know how to compromise just because I’m an only child? Like what? I will do anything to please you so what the hell are you talking about.
And people go on rants saying that parents need to start having more than two children because they hate only children. I’ve seen this so many times and it makes me a little sad because my parents tried, okay? Generalizing is not cool. They’ll hate only children just because they had a bad experience with someone that happened to be an only child. And then I’ll make friends with someone and when they find out I’m an only child they’ll tell me they never would’ve guessed because they hate only children. Thanks, I guess?
“You must not have a very good family bond” uhh why? My cousins are the closest thing I ever had as siblings growing up and I genuinely don’t understand when they would say this because it doesn’t mean I can’t bond with people my age.
“You probably get everything you want” i was told this just because I bought a new notebook when my old one ran out of pages. Again, what is the thought process here because it’s not like I can ask for anything and get it just because I’m the only kid my parents have.
I would say I’m lonely and want a sister and people would get straight up mad at me. “No you don’t you’re lucky” and you think there aren’t things I want that you have too? I literally feel so alone 24/7 but I guess I’m not allowed to feel that because at least I get privacy.
They also always assume I’m rich. I am very much not rich and I did have friends that lived in bigger houses and it made me so insecure about mine. Idk what it is about assuming only children are rich. I wish being an only child came with that bc then I’d never complain again. But unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
Anyways. This was a random rant. I just remembered that I would get so frustrated because I would literally cry from the fact that I didn’t have a best friend or someone like a sibling to talk to, and then I’d be told my feelings weren’t valid. I know this is such a non issue, but just sharing I guess.
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24hrsoda · 4 months ago
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sorry i need to just scream abt bad things and evil thoughts
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butnotbubblegum · 4 months ago
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad���s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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kavehater · 3 months ago
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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damndude69 · 3 months ago
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/​maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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deactivateddsstuff · 3 months ago
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Please take all the time you need…I will wait for you..
I will do anything even start from the beginning…just for you…
Whenever you feel the moment is right…I will wait for you..,
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alltoowille · 1 year ago
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writing update :)
-i know i said painter au chapter 9 was nearly finished but then i … decided to essentially rewrite it lol (i’m much happier with it now it’ll be worth the extra wait) it’s still not finished but i’m back in the groove and making good progress now
-i wrote a oneshot that people seem to really be enjoying! you know i love a little wilmon confronting trauma moment
-lake house .. so sorry to my lake house stans but editing it is tedious and i really don’t want to update until i’ve edited the past chapters, plus i think chapter 10 may need some rewrites so i’m not sure when she’ll be out but i promise it’s not abandoned! bear with me 😫
-lastly: i don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up but twitter got ahold of my maddierosh fic and really loved it so there’s been some … ideas for a follow up bouncing around in my little brain … it’s not my priority but sometimes i like to churn out a oneshot if i’m struggling with my longer pieces so who knows
thank you for your patience; and if you want faster updates i swear almost every comment i receive genuinely spurs me to open my google docs app and keep going in that very moment so do not underestimate the effectiveness of dropping a short lil comment on an old piece if you’re feeling impatient <3
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sharkieboi · 10 months ago
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it’s my weekend and I don’t have any appointments and it’s been snowing since like 2am so I’m having an indoor day to keep slowly organizing the new apartment and on purpose didn’t take my adhd meds (only have a few left and I’d rather save them for work if I’m going to have trouble refilling with all the weather closures) and Soup Brain certainly hits different when it’s not a workday. the lack of focus and memory still isn’t helpful but at least it doesn’t feel harmful when I forget what I’m supposed to be doing for an extended period of time.
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d0d0-b0i · 2 years ago
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always get so pleasantly surprised when people really like my stuff i post :) love you all. whether you celebrate something or not around this time i wish you all the best <3
#i always first and foremost post for me if not otherwise stated on the post itself#and that is what i always have done and aspire to continue. but#it makes me happy to see so many likeminded people around me#sorry. i am getting sappy and emotional; today has been draining for reasons i do not know#i am very tired and it is late for me so i will try sleeping soon#i am glad to have found such a nice and large fandom in sonic. it has allowed me to try and be more approachable and friendly while still#being myself at my core interactions. this year has been strange and new and exciting so i figured i might as well try#and make some more friends. which i have; i am happy to say :’) i have always had a hard time socializing. and to find people willing#to understand the things i say even though it’s worded weirdly#and i’m happy so many can enjoy the art i post <3 it means a lot to me#especially when i feel as if i don’t do enough. i like many others have some. issues regarding worth and content but i am trying my best#and. am getting better at it 👍 i think i might be getting sick ergo the sappiness and long tags#but i don’t regret the things i say. i love you all followers mutual ppl i follow#there is so much space in my heart and i am not afraid to admit that i get attached easily and do not know where friendships begin.#but i. am willing to try and find out! if the gods are willing; hopefully a good new year for us all next week! and more commmunity and love#i hope you understand what i am trying to convey. ive been scared of being this open but if i am not then i will never know living#and loving <3 will still be posting obvs i am simply joyous rn! gonna sleep now :3
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madigoround · 1 year ago
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Some days it feels like I am just desperately trying to find reasons to live so I don’t jump off a bridge and it’s hardly even working
Edit: I have spent some very necessary kitten cuddle time and received some very sweet messages from people and I am feeling more sane, definitely recommend nice people and cats lol
#listen i don’t want to be complaining all the time but this is my blog and this is where I vent so maybe just ignore this#literally searching on Pinterest and google reasons to stay alive reasons not to kill yourself etc and all they want to give me is the#crisis line number lol#i really feel like ive surpassed my limit for things I’m able to take today#and it hurts really really bad like it’s just too much#i had my annual eval with my boss a little while ago and she hates me so much she doesn’t even try to hide it#and she just disrespects me and tears me down at every turn no matter how hard I try#and im still stuck in this job by contract until January first and this job makes me want to fucking die#like you Can literally spend your days taking pictures of bloody murder scenes and talking with witnesses and victims and such and she’ll#still say you aren’t doing enough or dedicated enough to this job#and i really went in there with the notion that I was just going to roll over and take whatever she threw at me because it’s not worth it#she turns everything into a fight and all of a sudden she’s going REALLY? you REALLY think you do (this function of your job that you#definitely do multiple times a week despite her skepticism like it’s literally in my memos there’s evidence#and something that I haven’t had the heart to talk about has kind of come to fruition today#about a month ago I was cleaning out my car in preparation for my inspection and I pulled out a box from the mouse infested storage unit a#few months ago that I was just going to throw out because that stuff disgusted me too much to look at#and we had thought we had checked everything and cleaned it all before bringing it in my car or house and I pulled it out and it had#burrow holes in it from#a mouse i literally stopped typing that tag because I heard one and I took the box out and over the last few weeks I thought I heard a c#creature scurrying but I was like I’m probably just paranoid this was from months ago it’s probably gone#and today on my lunch break I started to clean my car and low and behold I found it’s little nest home thing with all kinds of makeshift#bedding and I put down poison so hopefully it will eat the poison and leave my car to get water cause they’re supposed to seek out water#and it’s like honestly I’m not sure how much more I can take right now like I’m really trying to be positive and focus on the good and all#and i just kind of wish that I could decide to die and it would happen painlessly and I’d just be gone#it would be so much easier for everyone I think if I was gone
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the-casbah-way · 1 year ago
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i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)
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quietwingsinthesky · 2 years ago
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You really have no idea how long it takes to make a podfic until you do it yourself
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floral-hex · 1 year ago
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lol as soon as I match with someone on tinder, I delete the app because I’m a scaredy cat and don’t want to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known 😅
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badolmen · 1 year ago
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Executive dysfunction revelation today lads.
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caterpillarinacave · 1 year ago
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sometimes it’s hard to be a ray of sunshine
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livingdeaddoctor · 1 year ago
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wailing wailing rent to smithereens How do people pack without wanting to fucking implode into a miserable pile of goop
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