#I’m just too excited i suppose
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OH YEAHHHHHH ITS HAPPENING FOLKS
I genuinely don’t know how I made three character sheets between now and yesterday afternoon, but that’s not something I need to know so it’s fine
This is my little dweebus Talon ^^ he is in the same universe as Megan (they get together eventually and are the only ship I actually care about tbh) he is newly independent and trying to start up his food business while juggling some other things. How this plays into Megan’s story of being an experiment in an alien hunting program… you will find out eventually ^^
Hey there @banana-pancake5 :)
#I have a feeling if I don’t slow down I will fall into that one artfight category#of doing lots of last minute prep and burning out#but I think it’s gonna be chill now…#probably#I’m just too excited i suppose#ah well#oc#ocs#talon#megan#character reference#talon reference sheet#character reference sheet
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mittens !!!! pattern X - i modified a bit because my yarn was a bit more thick, so i shortned a few rows of the colorwork & added the burnt orange details instead :)
#remember when i posted almost a month ago about a friend that commissioned some mittens#?#so yeah the one i was making initially turned out fine i suppose#i even posted the picture here#but the i noticed the sizing wasn’t right & the yarn i was using was sooo annoying to work it i just couldn’t get it right... it was also#like dyed like ombré? & the colors were a bit off. like each mitt had a different color like the weren’t even a pair...#but i was insisting too much like i undid & knitting that thing like +10 times#knitted*#so i decided so grab some yarn that i like for my mittens & that i’m already familiar with & found this pretty pattern & so!! ta-da!!#it’s so much nicer than the other one. also my friend wasn’t that specific & gave me a lot of liberty do to whatever#she gave me a general idea of the colors she liked so these are perfect#also the inspo pics she sent me all had this kinda fair isle design but at first i was a little intimidated so i barely did it on that one#first mitten that i had posted. so i’m glad i tried a diff pattern a managed to make these!!!!#anyway that’s basically what my month was all about lol worrying abt the mitts then finally finding a solution#also i got a commission from a instagram mutual to crochet a bag with that little sleepy snoopy design on it!! i’ve seen it on tumblr a few#times now & i’m excited to finish this project & finally get to it!! already bought the yarn & it’s so pretty#SO MANY TYPOS SORRY#girl knits world#knitting
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My five year old has his very first day of kindergarten tomorrow 🥺🥺🥺 I didn’t expect to be hit with such a huge wave of emotions but I’ve been a WRECK all day
#personal#he’s so excited#we’ve been talking about school for so long and he’s so excited that it’s finally here!#and a little nervous too he said but he keeps asking about the other kids and if he gets to have lots of friends now#he really liked his teacher when he met her and he’s excited to see her#the only thing that tripped him up a little was when I told him that me and his daddy are bringing him to the school but we can’t go with#that he has to just listen to his teacher and we’ll see him after school 🥺#I’m mostly worried that he’s not going to get enough food at school because he doesn’t eat very fast at home#he doesn’t focus well on meals#I’m hoping that positive peer pressure helps him with that#if he sees the other kids eating he will hopefully follow their lead#he’s going to be taking the bus home as well and I’m nervous about that for him too#even though it’s silly because his bus will pick him up in the morning and bring him directly to the school and then drop him off first#after school#he’ll be on it for maybe 20 minutes each day#I just worry too much#i worry about how issues he might have that I can’t help with like what if it’s too cold in just one room#but I don’t know that and send him in shorts?#or what if he gets teased for things I can’t anticipate right now? how can I best set him up for success with his peers?#I only know what he likes not what other five year olds like#I don’t want him to feel like the odd one out#but maybe that’s inevitable at some point#I can’t protect him from the world if im not there 😔#that’s the hardest thing about it#obviously this is supposed to happen and school will be so good for him#but he was a tiny little baby just yesterday#at least that’s how it feels#they say it goes by fast but damn
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Last post before I crash and no-one hears from me until I return from my first final the morrow’s eve (a changed man no doubt) but there’ll never be anything funnier to me than consistently being viewed as a composed and calm saviour by peers while I’m, actively and uncontrollably losing it.
#not said sarcastically or as a vent by the way I genuinely find it so terribly amusing. you think I have it together ? aw <3 you fool.#i’ve been pacing around my room like a starving lion since the past week in whatever free time i’ve had.#and i keep getting people in my messages begging me for last minute help ? which is endearing but. i’m hanging on for dear life myself#helping isn’t foreign to me; i have 4 (?) people in my class who almost exclusively refer to me as ma’am and even refer to me as a teacher.#but helping last minute is so. deeply chaotic.#and I have this issue with me where having others around me makes me immediately drop into a ‘role’ of sorts?#i’ll be freaking out but then someone else starts freaking out around me and my immediate response is to just.#hey. we are going to make it out of this. it’s easy as pie. do you see me worried? no right? <- on the verge of hyperventilating#there’s this one guy in particular who got so excited to find out we have the exact same examination set-up tomorrow.#i gave him like basic pointers and i don’t think i’ve ever been thanked so earnestly and desperately in my life.#i remember during mocks my friends would message me what I wrote in questions and then they’d immediately go oh thank Fuck.#they’d literally just act like they’re absolutely going to pass now just because we had points in common.#as if i’m some sort of fucked up correct answer sheet incarnate.#it’s genuinely really sweet to me though; like i’m not posting this ranting or such.#having so much faith in another to the point that you can put yourself completely at ease says. alot i think.#and i’m glad i can be that person for so many.#and I feel like it helps me in a way too because i become so concerned with others that I forget to drown myself in my worries.#i forget that I’m worried because there are others to care about and console and help. so i suppose they help me in a way as well.#but also who is going to be that person for ME. who is going to console ME. im going fucking neurotic /jest#<- woman with ego issues & control issues who would rather die than accept help.#sigh. oh well. I’m sure we’ll do just fine. cannot wait#🥀🍷 — colloquy.
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omg omg stella I have to tell you this!!!!! but I started writing the vamp jake fic and oml I'm obsessed already 😍 I already know it's gonna tug on so many heartstrings and I'm absolutely here for it 🤭🤭
oh nO KAYLA YOURE OUT FOR BLOOD ⁉️⁉️ vampy jake that’s gonna tug on so many heartstrings HELLO no one is ready my beloved kayla please 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
no bcs the love i hold for vampy jake.
#AND YOURE MAKING HIM A PRINCE TOO HELOOOOOO#no one is ready no one is PREPARED#if he’s as obsessive as the vampy#jake that u wrote…#then omg.#you’re this 🤏 close to making me turn into a full time jake stan#ENOUGH >:(#no but i’m sO EXCITELJESLEND#like buzzing in my seat with my legs shaking excited yk#i just know you’re gonna devour 🙏🏼(and murder all of us on the way too) pls add me to the taglist 😁🙏🏼#no bcs i’m not gonna be able to stfu about it??????#why would u tELL ME this how am i supposed to go on with my day now.#vampy prince jake 🫶🏼#asks & responses <3#ᓭི༏ᓯྀ‧₊˚ — ♡ 𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.#— kayla ! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
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YALL A GIRL BOUGHT ME A DRINK YESTERDAY AND I GOT HER NUMBER!!!!
#oni talks#thoughts#idek what else to tag this as but like#raaahhhhbim so excited and happy!!! we swapped Spotifies too and she even asked my sign#also we’re getting together again this Friday! also I’m technically supposed to find other stuff for us to do but im indecisive/unsure what#All she’d like yet?? also I wore like 6inch heels and barely came up to her height#she was so nice and cool!!! and we’re in the same/similar situation!!#also she actually takes some level of initiative which like idk if yall have noticed but that’s lowkey RARE AS FUCK#my one regret that night (aside from the man that broke my purse) is that I forgot what artist she asked me about#it’s funny I was originally gonna leave early but then she appeared!!!#I don’t wanna be TOO hopeful bc it’s early but like!!! I have so many activity ideas!!#also this is really hammering in that I desperately need to clean and organize my place omfg#coz how tf am I gonna invite her over for shit if it’s like this aahhh#also I hope she likes the music I sent/is on my account aahh#she texted me as soon as she left that she wanted to hug me and I just AAAAHHHHHH
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Mental health shit is kicking my ass but at least I have my silly guys
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc art#oc#my birthday is in a few days btw wish me luck#I’m trying to be excited best I can but yknow#I’m hoping that my friends and family do a good job at distracting me from the horrors for all that#which I’m sure they will they do a great job at keeping me from losing my shit on days like that#we’re going to eat good food and play games and it’s going to be fun and I’ll be happy#just need to hold out and not freak out too much in the meantime lol#but yeah I’ve been considering tweaking a couple of the staliens antennae recently#hence the mason#but I’m not sure if I’ll commit#most of the cast has fairly distinct antennae from eachother with mason being the main problem child to me#if I was willing to draw more detailed antennae then I’d go absolutely ham with everyone’s antennae but I’m not so#I’m mostly thinking abt this because I drew odile as a stalien a few days ago and gave her some fancy antennae#in my minds eye her antennae are Huge and she uses the to help read carved languages#the actual main stalien cast have very normal not noteworthy antennae except for sorta beats but having two pairs isn’t even that uncommon#but admittedly I am half tempted to try giving one of them huge antennae simply because it’d be fun to draw#but none of them rly fit the bill for that except maybe butter but they already have long ass ears they don’t need both#I should rly go fill out everyone’s toyhouse bios at some point I did like two or three a few weeks ago then gave up#and I didn’t even do any of the staliens I think I just did aris and sier#I also need to fix their mini playlists I have on their profiles but that can wait#anyways I now need to do some fun 2 am cleaning I was supposed to do hours ago#I got distracted drawing
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mannn im glad that the gf and ford tags are booming with good art however there are: The Horrors™️
“it’s canon!!! they fucked it’s canon omg ex lovers!!!!!!”
im sorry yall but i still don’t interpret fords feelings for bill as romantic. one sided from bill? yes. ford def had an obsession with him but I see it as like a worshipping thing yknow
#my muse-ings#hopefully this doesn’t show up in the tags cuz I’m worried I’ll get hate or whatever#I just needed a place to vent#im very excited for my copy of the book#my main issue is with some fans I suppose#I worry things might get too romanticised and flanderized#anyway I have a flight to catch so I’ll just listen to music and calm down#if anyone sees this then maybe cld I ask for some kind words? idk smth to cheer me up
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#ok ok ok i have been so excited about the nimona movie since i first read it AS A TEEN#watched the teaser and i’m kinda sad it doesn’t look more like ND’s art#*art. i’m curious about the project getting cancelled i hate disney so much#& how much that influenced the style#but also i’m like not particularly impressed with the trailer#i feel like she was such a cool and weird character & i always imagined just an absolute freak#& maybe it’ll grow on me but i’m like. ok the acting in the trailer alone was too clean & predictable#like she was such a super massive freak im sure she’s yelling screaming all the time. like tbh i imagined her speech patterns to be more#like Finn Adventure Time#like i was hoping the movie would be fun and kinda dark and very anti authority etc#but there’s like super upbeat music and it’s like no we need fucked up string instruments with haunting melodies & the voice acting has to#be muttering and shrieking and insane#and Blackheart was also a character of all time for me if they make him and Allister less gay im gonna kill someone#but like gay (repressed / angsty i suppose)#like he isn’t COOL he is ANGRY. i guess haven’t seen him yet but i’m Worrk#AMBROSIUS NOT ALLISTER#*worried#and if the scientist isn’t in it netflix hates women. also if she’s not insane they hate women#dude i’m fucking up these tags so bad
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wowwy wawawa. was worried about seeing a new psychiatrist, but any doc that gives me a month of ativan is okay in my book.
so anyway, I got that and also starting something called remeron after the weekend is over (going out of town for my brother’s 2 day chess tournament and don’t want to deal with side effects during it). Let’s be hopeful.
#I’m just saying I’m more used to drs not wanting to prescribe harder antianxieties but this dude was nice#plus I’d been a patient there before + recent ER trips and yadda yadda yadda it’s not like I DON’T need any#sorry that first paragraph came off as very ‘hehe I got drugs to abuse’#but really I’ll end up being very frugal with them and hopefully they’ll help with some of this irrational anxiety.#I’m happy for the help#I was very worried walking into his office. very severe. more than one bible lying around. uncomfortable seating.#but he ended up being pretty knowledgeable. we talked about prescriptions I’d tried before. he worked with my concerns.#new med is supposed to also help with anxiety and probably make me sleepier. which I kinda want maybe. I haven’t slept well lately.#and then I have regular ol therapy on Monday. so. we’re gettin at it. mentally. yup.#also like I mentioned. brother has a chess tournament this weekend#maybe you’ve followed me long enough to remember I took him last year. and the year before. and the year before.#I almost wasn’t going to go with him this year but now I am and I’m psyched#I mean. it’s not a super exciting event. I just sit around all day while he plays. but I like it. I like being there for him.#what was I saying? I dunno. this is too many tags. blegh blegh blegh.#you can ignore this#text
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i need to practice my japanese sooo bad but it’s sooo hard when i’m not in a class for it yet
#please please please @ my profs let me into the japan trip next year i know my gpa is a 3.7 i swear im good for it#im going CRAZY…#i want to learn japanese and french sooo bad#preferably many more languages too im just veeerrrryyyy slow#i’ve been thinking of making a sideblog to practice my japanese. like part of studyblr or whatever it’s called#IDK mostly i just want to read nobuko yoshiyas work which is hard because it’s not translated#but it’s SOOOOO influential on yuri ESP older yuri that i HAVE to read it..#i looove learning abt lesbians around the world#very chatty all to say i am going to practice more#helping kids learn to read at my job really made me realize that learning languages is HARD even if u already speak them!#i took asl in high school but that was easier for me to conceptualize than spoken languages#i reallt don’t know much japanese at all mostly just introductory stuff#i can read hiragana but i’m still learning katakana#i know maybe. maybe. 5 kanji. that’s it#LOTS TO LEARN IM EXCITED i’m supposed to be taking a class this winter hopefully!!!!!!#jonesytag
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Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)
Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh
The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)
All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!
ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more
^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls
Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.
#vent#cw vent#rant#delete later#<- like tomorrow morning I’m shre#usually I delete stuff like this immediately but I’ll try to keep it up#was talking to my mom earlier about OCD and intrusive thoughts and whatnot….#she definitely has it too. like undoubtedly#her intrusive thoughts and compulsions sounded exactly like mine#which sucks for me bc my dad ALSO definitely has OCD (in a more outwardly recognizable way) so! wahoo! double whammy#just feeling kinda defeated about mental health stuff#I feel like it’s never gonna get better#I need to go to therapy or a psychiatrist or SOMETHING#it’s been like 4 years now since I was originally supposed to go lol#and I keep putting it off out of fear (I think)#my friends (irls) have all been getting diagnoses and prescriptions lately#which is exciting for them but :( idk. I feel like there’s no way to medicate whatever I’ve got going on except SSRIs????#and I don’t really want that#mostly though I’m just scared of going back to therapy or to a psychiatrist bc I think they’ll think I’m lying or crazy or whatever#which sounds stupid when I write it out but idk#I should probably keep a journal but when I’m only writing for my own eyes I just kinda wallow in it and write concerning poetry lol#I like journaling in a way other people can see (even if y’all DON’T like seeing it lmaoooo) bc it makes it feel more real?#and out of my head.. concrete etc.#wackyposting#<- seriously need to change that tag still lol
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#ah fuck#I’m getting excited about writing again#so I’m posting about it more#but I feel like I’m posting TOO much and annoying everyone#my bad to everyone for the constant posting#just feel embarrassed by my excitement like I get in real life#which is just great#autism stuff I suppose
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You ever get recommended to watch something and it’s just not really as good as you hoped
#i just watched murder drones earlier today#it was good#but a friend really loved at and told me it was amazing#and it just wasn’t my thing :(#unfortunately#a lot of things in it i just don’t pick up on it#ik you’re not supposed to spoon feed stuff to your audience but i literally don’t understand what’s been happening#this is just a me problem though becausr apparently everyone else picked up on it#in the pilot when j got stabbed in the leg i thought she got excited and accidentally did it to herself but it was actually uzi#i didn’t know that#like i just didn’t realise#and also the fact that uzi has a crush on thad?? didn’t pick up on that at al#i kinda felt the whole time like i had no idea what was going on#i like elements of mystery in shows but this is too much i’m just confused#murder drones#sorry :(
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nano day 20-25
20- 1952
21- 771
22- 643
23&24- 0 (don’t look at meeee I didn’t have time lol)
25- 2233
Total word count: 32149, 25885 towards main wip (!!!)
I didn’t realize how many days had gone by without updating lol but it’s fine bc it’s not like anyone’s really keeping track
anyway it’s v apparent I’m not hitting the 50k BUT IT’S OKAY! I’ve made peace with it. It was p dumb of me to start the month going “I just wanna write as much as I can” bc obv I was setting myself up for disappointment. So if I’m able to reach just 30k on my main wip, I’ll be happy.
Also patting myself on the back for reaching +25k, I think the 30k will be v feasible with the remaining 5 days. That’s <1k a day!
Also finished the 12th scene! We’re over a third of the way through the project :D (which admittedly is around where I hit my typical story middle slump, but I’m hoping I can remain consistent after November)
#also abt the 50k. I posted a fic too so that’s worth celebrating#I’ve written a lot I’m def not discrediting that#plus those extra 20k words are gonna get written regardless just not within this month it’s fine#I’m expecting this project to be ~75-80k#so there’s gonna be plenty left to do after November anyway#scene 13 is a Big Emotional scene so I hope I don’t flub it up#but I’m excited for it I think it’ll be good. I’ve had ideas for this scene in particular for a while#so its crazy that I’m finally writing it#I def feel like this entire story has been a HOT mess so far#mostly bc these characters have been living in my head for so long that I keep forgetting the gradual progression of their development#I feel like I keep skipping significant moments in their growth bc I’m so used to how they’re /supposed/ to be#but it’s cool. I never expected a lot of this draft to be solid anyway but what matters is that it’s something to work with!!#also feel like it jumps around a lot. like the flow between scenes isn’t entirely clear#and that’s mostly bc I don’t wanna write scene connectors rn lol#but that’s always something I can grumble and groan about later#dahl does nano 23
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*head in hands* The urge to make a video essay becomes stronger every passing month which would probably be a great idea for anyone who didn’t fail college TWICE for AN ESSAY WRITING COURSE
#LITERALLY ESSAY WRITING TOO WHY DO I want to SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS#I mean part of the fail/dropout was the pandemic and not being good at distance learning#but either way FUCK#I’ve for sure talked about wanting to do this video it would be the Mystreet one#and FUCK it’s tempting it’s so tempting#but I’d also have to get recording stuff and ugh ugh ugh lol#rambles#personal I suppose#????#this sounds really angry for some reason but I’m not mad just excited to start working on it lmao#and a little unsure of myself writing wise but at the end of the day that’s not gonna change unless I go for it lol
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