#I’m mostly worried that he’s not going to get enough food at school because he doesn’t eat very fast at home

[harmonizewithechoes]

My five year old has his very first day of kindergarten tomorrow 🥺🥺🥺 I didn’t expect to be hit with such a huge wave of emotions but I’ve been a WRECK all day

[evergreenstringbean]

And now, a sad concept that I pondered with friends before and I’m currently turning into a fic:

Darry hides spare cash on the rare occasions he finds it as a backup plan that way Soda and Pony aren’t as caught off guard financially as he was if something happened to him like what happened to their parents because dude cannot stop thinking about how abrupt death can be

He doesn’t tell anyone about it because 1) He doesn’t want to freak out his brothers and 2) While he trusts his friends he also doesn’t trust them enough to tell them about his makeshift life insurance

So one day Ponyboy goes to Darry’s closet to find some clothes that he’d ironed and he spots a beat up cookie tin that used to house their mother’s sewing kit and spare buttons. Out of curiosity he opens it to find it full of bills, mostly ones and fives, some crumpled up and some stacked and neatly folded in half.

At first Ponyboy’s just confused why Darry has money saved up when they’re always stressing out about bills until it hits him: all of Darry’s vague threats that he makes when he’s angry about leaving them and starting a new life for himself aren’t threats anymore. He’s saving up money. He has a plan.

And Pony rightfully panics and out of desperation to keep his older brother there, pushes himself hard than he ever had before. He stresses to get better grades, keeps the house clean, and stays out of trouble as much as possible to try and convince Darry to reconsider and stay.

The gang can tell he’s slipping, though. He doesn’t go out anymore and rarely hangs out with anyone. He’s always either hunched over an essay or reading a textbook while folding the laundry. He doesn’t see movies anymore. He barely cracks open a book that isn’t for school.

Darry can tell something’s off, but he doesn’t know how to broach the subject or ask what’s going on. And the house is clean and Ponyboy’s doing well in school, so it can’t be that bad, right?

Until one night Soda’s got a late shift at the DX and Darry comes home late to the echo of crying in the kitchen, Ponyboy having finally snapped after spilling food on his nearly completed semester thesis after trying to make dinner and do his homework at the same time.

Darry finally can’t take it anymore and has to sit Pony down and be like “You’re pushing too hard, chill out”

To which Ponyboy, still crying, finally crashes out with “No ‘cause I’ll have to do this anyway when you leave us!”

And Darry panics because what the hell is his little brother talking about and Ponyboy finally mentions the cookie tin

Darry finally explains what the money’s for, and has to reiterate that he’s not going anywhere, and he’s not planning for them to need the money anytime soon, but he works a labor intensive job that comes with risks, and anything can happen

Once he’s eventually able to reassure and calm Ponyboy down, they have a heart-to-heart about how Darry really wants Ponyboy to be a kid. That he’s pushing too hard and he and Soda didn’t even need to step up as young as Pony is trying to.

“I do really appreciate all the help around the house. But it ain’t just on you, okay? We might have work, but you got school. We had some time to be reckless kids. You get your time too. Please just let us worry about it.”

Anyway they cook dinner together after and Darry gives him money to go see a new movie since he’d missed so many he’d secretly wanted to see during it all

Cut to a week later and Darry’s explaining the newly developed “Curtis Family Chore Chart” to the gang, to guarantee Ponyboy doesn’t try to do everything by himself again

[gamercookies]

Giving thanks for..

Genre: smut, enemies to lovers.

Word count:2.8k+

Warnings: rough!ni-ki, shy!y/n, fingering “under the table”, worshipping, unprotected sex, teasing, dirty talk, praising, throat-fucking, hate-fuck.  Note: I love making these stories idk why but they peak my interest so much!! I know it’s not thanksgiving yet but imma be busy on those days I’m off, but plz enjoy :3 and take care of urself 💕🙏🏼

You’ve been enemies for a really long time. Ni-ki, which you couldn't stand him, had been teasing and humiliating you throughout school. But then, out of the blue, he invited you to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, there would be the usual “I‘m grateful for…” moments, so you figured nothing too surprising would unfold, right?

Today you were just chilling at home alone while your parents were at their hometown enjoying thanksgiving dinner, you felt bored, alone. Of course you didn’t want to go because you didn’t feel like it. But once you finished an hour call with them, you stared up at the ceiling from the bed. 

You sigh in boredom, sitting back up from the bed. “What am I gonna do, I’m all alone.. I guess I can make dinner for myself and watch some Netflix or something.” Suddenly you receive a notification from your phone, you assume “oh! Maybe my parents sent a picture of themselves!” You check but your excited expression turns into shock and confusion.. it says: “Hey y/n, sorry to annoy you as always lol 😂, but anyways I was wondering if you’re interested in coming over to my house for thanksgiving I have no one to enjoy besides my parents.” 

“What?! Ni-ki.. he seriously invited me to his thanksgiving dinner?” You tell yourself blankly staring at the message for minutes. You roll your eyes and reply: 

“Fine. 😒Only because I also have nothing to do, I’ll come over. What time?” 

He types back: “Around 6PM, it will just be a normal thanksgiving, nothing out of the ordinary. 😊” 

… 

It’s 6PM and you’ve just arrived in front of his home, and you ring the doorbell. You stand there waiting for him or someone to open. You know you look stunning in that red dress, which perfectly highlights your curves without being overly short. Then Niki opens the door, “Hey y/n, come on in, I’ll introduce you to my parents.” As he gestured you to walk in. “Thank you.” You say, as he shuts the front door leading you to the dining table. You see a neatly organized dinning table, with a candle in the middle.  

Ni-ki clears this throat and speaks, “Mom, dad. This is y/n, a “friend” of mine I invited, I hope you guys don’t mind her.” His mom replies, “N-no we don’t mind! Hello, y/n. Please I don’t mind you inviting her over, please sit down and join us for dinner today.” You look at his mother and smile politely, as you take your seat. “Hello, Mrs. It’s nice to meet you, it’s kind enough of your son to invite me over, since my parents are at their hometown enjoying thanksgiving.” His father speaks behalf, “Oh no worries! That’s very nice of our son to do that, inviting someone like you over, you seem a very well polite girl so there’s no harm in that.” Ni-ki then sits down next to you, “Yeah, I felt like that’s a nice thing to do behalf that it’s thanksgiving, we should be kind to each other, right y/n?” As he says that sarcastically. 

You feel a bit nervous about meeting his parents, but you manage to smile and nod. “Of course, it's a good thing to invite friends over." You say softly, trying not to show how anxious you really feel. To pass the time waiting for the dinner his parents and especially you talk about how you’ve been, your parents, mostly about your life. But then his father asks, “Do you have a boyfriend yet, young lady?” 

You blush slightly, feeling a little embarrassed by the question. "Well, I haven't found anyone who really catches my interest yet," you admit shyly.

"Maybe one day soon though!" You add quickly, hoping to change the subject before things get too awkward. 

But it gets interrupted as soon as the food arrives. You smell all of the delicious aromas wafting from the dishes. "Wow... everything looks amazing!" You exclaim enthusiastically, trying to cover up your earlier blunder. “Who’s cutting the turkey today?” 

Niki looks around, his parents and you seem to be waiting for someone to cut into the turkey. He takes a deep breath and stands up. "I'll do it," he announces confidently. "After all, it's Thanksgiving.” With that said, he walks over to where the turkey is sitting and grabs a knife. He gives it one swift stroke, carving off a piece of meat before placing it onto a plate. You can’t help but deny the way he looks in that suit, the way he picks up that knife, it’s like you wanna touch him.

But you then take a bite of some turkey and gravy - it's even better than it smells! As you all savor the meal throughout the evening, saying what you’re grateful for, besides Niki.. and of course, remembering to keep dinner etiquette in mind, everything was smooth. But soon enough you feel ni-ki leaning against you, his hot breath in your ear. “You look damn good in this dress.. I can’t help but notice it so much.” You blush deeply at his compliment, your heart pounding in your chest. You're not used to receiving compliments like this, especially not from someone as attractive as him. “T-thanks.. I mean I have to look presentable to your parents..” After you finish your food, you place your fork down gently and lean back in your chair. You take a deep breath to calm your racing heart. “Was the food good, sweetie? I made it this morning.” His mother smiles softly at you. 

Before you could respond, you feel a hand sliding up and down your thigh making you gasp quietly. “What the..” you mutter to yourself, as Ni-ki continues doing that under the table. You try to play it cool despite losing focus on the conversation. 

"O-oh, your food was amazing!", you respond sincerely, doing your best to ignore Ni-ki’s wandering hand. "I've never had such delicious mashed potatoes before..." He then leans over you and whispers with a small smirk, “I didn’t invite you just for a normal thanksgiving, I also wanted something else.. to tease and make you feel humiliated in front of my parents.” But then, Ni-ki’s mother speaks trying to get your attention, “Sweetie? You okay..? I was asking you where do you plan to go for vacation next month with your parents?” Ni-ki then slides your panties aside and inserts 2 fingers inside you without warning.

“O-oh! I was thinking maybe Thailand-ah!” You say making you blush in embarrassment, “Sorry about that.. it’s just something accidentally hit me. You shift uncomfortably in your seat, doing your best to keep a neutral expression. 

“Thailand sounds lovely! It’s a wonderful place to travel.. when I was young..” she continues talking while you continue trying to hold your moans infront of them two. “Ni-ki.. stop that.. it’s embarrassing..” you whisper to him. “Come on~ your pussy deserves my fingers in you now, you make me crave you so much in that dress.” He says in a low, sultry voice. 

His mother notices the blush on your face and the discomfort in your voice, but assumes it's due to the heat of the room or perhaps nervousness from being in new surroundings.

"Oh dear, I apologize if we're making you uncomfortable. We just love sharing stories about our travels!", she says reassuringly. 

“N-no Mrs.. it’s not your fault it’s just it’s a bit hot right now.”, as you manage to choke out between stifled moans. Ni-Ki’s father then speaks, “We’ll clean up the mess, why don’t you show her your room.” 

Ni-Ki inserts a third finger, making you moan quietly. “Yes of course father, I’ll kindly show her my room.” And with that both of his parents head to the kitchen with the dirty plates, and utensils. You finally pull his hand away from your pussy, “What was that for Ni-ki!? You can’t just do that while I’m talking to them.. that’s embarrassing. I nearly came all over your hand.”  He winks, “Oh really? because I really wanted that pussy of yours.. I couldn’t resist.” “Now come on, let’s head to my room, shall we~?” He takes your hand to make you stand up so you can follow Ni-ki upstairs to his room. Once the door is closed behind you, he pins you against it.

"You know," he murmurs seductively, "Your little moans were music to my ears..." Before you can respond, he silences you with a passionate kiss. His tongue explores your mouth while his hands roam freely over your body. “I should worship your pussy.. eating you out, making you moan..~” 

You quickly responded blushing deep red. “N-no that’s a bad idea.. especially right now..” Hearing your protests, Ni-ki pulls away with a playful grin. "What's the fun in all this if we don't take risks?" He teases, pressing himself closer against you. “No im going home, I’m not doing your kinky ideas with you.”  Ni-ki seeing you attempt to leave, grabs your wrist tightly. "Running away so soon?" He chuckles darkly, pulling you back towards him. Without warning, he kisses you passionately once more. His other hand reaches down to cup your breast roughly through the fabric of your dress. 

“Mmph! F-fine I want it! But this is a one-time thing, we are still enemies.” You stumble to say, as he releases your wrist and moves to unzip your dress hastily. "Just remember..." he whispers into your ear, "This doesn't change anything between us..." And with that, he pushes you onto his bed and begins undressing you fully, and he kneels in front of you. “Let me worship your pussy.. I can tell it’s already wet from my fingers, naughty girl..” 

"F-fine! Go ahead," you finally relent, biting your lip nervously. “But only this once."  His tongue laps at your clit with expert precision, causing waves of pleasure to ripple through your body.

"Mmm...so tasty..." he murmurs against you before continuing his relentless assault on your sensitive nub. “Ah~! Fuck.. k-keep going..” you moan but you quickly cover your mouth making sure no one hears you. Ni-ki increases the pressure of his tongue on your clit. His hands grip your thighs tightly, holding you in place as he devours you and makes your legs tremble, "Oh God...I'm close!", you gasp out, writhing beneath him. Noticing your impending climax, Ni-ki slows his pace slightly, prolonging your torture. He looks up at you with a devilish grin.

"Not so fast, sweetheart..." he purrs, "I haven't finished yet." You whine desperately, “N-no please I’m close! I need to cum..”

"Oh, is that so?" he teases, trailing his tongue along your inner thigh. "That's the point isn't it?" he teases again, "To feel pleasure so intense that you can barely stand it?" “N-Niki!" you cry out, clenching the sheets beneath. "Please...don't tease me like this! I really need to cum.. come on.” Niki chuckles darkly, his eyes filled with mischief as he watches you squirm underneath him. He knew how to push your buttons, knew exactly what to say and do to get a rise out of you. “What's wrong, sweetness?" he purrs mockingly, "Can't handle a little teasing?" You whine again and looks at him with pleading eyes, “No! I mean yes! Just shut up and let me cum! You asshole! Please.. I need to cum so badly..!”

Niki laughs, his hot breath tickling your skin as he leans in closer. 

He takes a moment to savor the desperation lacing your words. "Fine," he concedes, sliding a finger inside of you. "But only because I want to see those pretty eyes roll back into your head." “Yes please..! I’m gonna.. fuck! Gonna..”, You quickly grab a pillow to cover your moans as you cum onto his face. Niki licks up every last drop of your sweet release, savoring the taste of you on his tongue. He pulls back slowly, standing up to look down at you with a satisfied smirk. “Good girl, I might just fuck you right now while we at it, how about you ride me?” 

"No way I’m not riding you! You’re an asshole!” As you stand up from his bed. “Plus your parents are washing dishes, we can’t just do that..they might hear us!” He smirks pushing you back onto the bed, “Oh come on.. we could make some noise, who cares about them..” He tries to persuade you. “You might like it when you’re handcuffed, I have them.” 

You roll your eyes and scoff at him, “Ugh.. whatever I’ll ride you while I’m handcuffed…” “Really?” Niki asks surprised, “Well alright then.” He goes to his drawer and takes out a pair of handcuffs. “Put these on.” “Alright.”, you say as you hold out your wrists for him to cuff you. Once he locks them, he smirks, “Fuck, you look sexy like this, handcuffed.. I can easily do anything to you.” He reaches down and unzips his pants, freeing his thick member. It throbs slightly as it bobs free from its confines. "Here," he says, offering you his shaft. "Why don't you start by sucking on this?"

“Alright, I’ll please you..” You say as you lean down taking his cock in your mouth. You bob your head slowly licking his tip before sliding down further, taking half of his dick in your mouth. Without warning, he thrusts deeper into your mouth. His cock hits the back of your throat, causing you to gag around him. “Mmph!~Too big and deep.!” You manage to say while he doesn't stop though; instead, he continues to fuck your face ruthlessly.

You tease him back by saying, “I’ll pull my mouth out-” “No you won’t,” he says. “Or else I will kick you outta of my house and make sure you never return.” Then he forces his way inside your mouth again, his member hitting the back of your throat, forcing another round of gags from you. As he keeps fucking your throat, you slap his leg hard, trying to signal him to stop. Ignoring your weak attempt to resist, Niki continues to thrust into your mouth. He can feel the familiar tingling at the base of his spine, signaling his imminent release.

"That's it..." he groans, "I'm gonna cum..."

Before long, he explodes inside your mouth. His hot seed fills your mouth and spills onto your chin as he rides out his orgasm.  "There..." he pants, "That wasn't so bad was it? Now why don't you get those pretty legs of yours moving and ride me like a good girl." “O-okay..” You stutter out as you position yourself to sit on his cock despite being handcuffed. With a single thrust, he buries himself deep within you. 

"Fuck..." he groans, "So tight..." As he begins to move beneath you, bucking his hips upwards to meet each of your downward thrusts. The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the room as they make love roughy. "Ride me baby," he growls, "Show me how much of an asshole you think I am." “Fuck.. you..! Ah~!” , you moan out quietly. “J-just don’t thrust up more..” “Oh, is that what you want?" He teases, "Don't worry, I'll make sure to keep things gentle for you." Despite his promise, he continues to thrust up into you ruthlessly. His large member filling you over and over again until both of you are panting heavily. "You like that?" he growls quietly, "You like being fucked by an asshole like me?" 

“I hate you so much! Ahh~” you continue to moan out as you start to ride him faster, grinding your clit against him as you ride him. Niki groans deeply as you grind against him, his hands gripping your hips tightly. He can feel the heat building up within him again.

"Fucking hell..." he mutters, "You're such a naughty girl..." With one final thrust, he buries himself deep inside of you. His hot seed spurts inside of you as he releases inside of you. “Fuck.. I’m cumming too..!” Niki grunts as he feels you tighten around him, your own climax rippling through your body. He can feel every spasm and twitch of your pussy as you cum. "Good girl," he murmurs, "That was quite the show." As he uncuff and removes the handcuffs from your wrists, “There.. am I still an asshole to you, y/n? Despite panting you responded, “n-no.. you were good, I give you that. I guess we aren’t really enemies anymore.” 

Suddenly you both hear a knock, his father was yelling from the door while Ni-ki’s mother was standing next to him, “Ni-ki, y/n, Are you okay? I hear some noise and wanted to make sure you guys were okay!” 

Niki sighs as he hears his parent's voices, realizing that they've been too loud. He quickly pulls up his pants and straightens out his shirt. "Yeah dad, we're fine," he calls out, "Just having a little fun." He looks at you with a smirk, "Guess we better clean up real quick."

You smirk and laugh at him, “I told you this could’ve happened.” He laughs softly, "Yeah, you did." Niki gives you a playful wink, "Maybe next time we should try to be quieter especially you, y/n." As he listens to his parent's footsteps fade away, he relaxes again. Turning back to you, he grins mischievously. “One last thing.., I’m grateful today for eating your pussy, y/n.” 

[sideeve]

okay i need a overprotective mike fic where he will literally do anything for u. someone bothering u? don’t worry he will go beat their ass, ur in a dangerous situation? he will do everything to protect u SOMETHING LIKE THAT it’s not a want.. it’s a need.

😣🙏

leads to sexual activities but not described

you liked to visit mike while he was on his break as a security guard at the local mall. you knew it boosted his mood for the day. seeing your face or hearing your voice could give him motivation for weeks.

during your visiting minutes, an old high school friend coincidentally had been walking around the mall as well.

mike always had a problem with self deprecation. he never felt good enough about anything he did. another person (mostly males) can take him to a dark thought he didn’t want to think about.

you laugh, putting a fry in your mouth as you listen to mike tell you a story from his job as you catch a glimpse of an old friend. “is that Jacob…” your eyes follow the man, searching for some detail that can confirm your claim. “wha—who are you looking at?” Mike turns to your line of sight. “oh my god it is!” you accidentally yell, covering your mouth as Jacob turns to look at whoever yelled. “oh fuck. is he looking?” Mike looks at the man, sighing. “not just that, he’s coming over here.” he closes his food, losing his appetite already. “[name]?” Jacob chuckles, “you haven’t changed a bit. i knew it was you when i heard you yell.” you lift your head to look up at him, “long time no see.” you flash a smile. “Mike, meet Jacob. Jacob, meet Mike. my boyfriend.” Jacob turns to Mike. “oh, dude! i’ve seen you around here.” Mike’s face was stone cold, “that’s because i work here.” he says with a tint of aggression. you softly kick his leg. “i’m sorry, Jacob. you just caught me on a bad time.” you give him a sympathetic smile. “no it’s fine. we should catch up sometime.” Jacob flashes a grin that Mike was convinced that had a different meaning. Jacob finally leaves, leaving you and Mike alone again. “what was that?” you groan. “you looked like you wanted to kill him.” Mike crosses his arms. “i do. i didn’t like the way he looked at you.” “like a normal person?” “that wasn’t normal, [name]. it’s like he wanted to fuck you in front of me.” you laugh, “he wouldn’t get the chance.” you sip on your drink, fluttering your lashes at him. Mike looks at his watch. “think we can do this in 7 minutes?” he smirks.

[natsuslover]

ur account is so cutee !!

do you have any erasermic headcanons? (*^^*)♡

aww tysm! 🫶

and ofc i have erasermic headcanons they’re so chaotic i love them so much. i didn’t know if u wanted platonic or romantic so i just wrote platonic bc i have more hcs for that 😭😭

ੈ✩‧₊˚ platonic erasermic headcanons ੈ✩‧₊˚

notes— i’m rewatching mha rn so i’m actually really excited to write all these mha headcanons

ft. shota aizawa, present mic (idk his real name)

warnings: very light spoiler in one of them i think

present mic gossips about the students ALL. THE. TIME. (mostly complaining or like random tidbits of tea but it’s harmless) to aizawa but he doesn’t really pay attention lmao.

except from time to time when mic says something that’s so clearly not the truth and aizawa just has to correct him.

when mic asks aizawa how he knows so much about the students aizawa’s like “they just tell me” which gets mic somewhat ticked off because the students never go to him for anything lol.

when aizawa’s teaching class present mic just randomly pops in from time to time to “shake things up”

he blatantly interrupts the lecture and goes up to the podium and gets all sentimental while dramatically retelling the students stories of his and aizawa’s high school days.

meanwhile aizawa just whips out his sleeping bag and uses the time to take a much needed nap.

really i think present mic does that on purpose because he KNOWS aizawa doesn’t sleep enough so it’s his own way of caring.

both of them just sit and reminisce about their high school days every once in a while because they want to remember the good things about shirakumo :(

aizawa’s not the most sentimental person (at least he doesn’t show that side very much) so present mic is one of the only people who gets to see aizawa when he’s really emotional.

they’re literally the grumpy x sunshine, golden retriever x black cat, opposites attract trope.

aizawa always pretends to be annoyed or exhausted by mic’s presence but everyone knows that’s not true.

despite acting like he doesn’t care he’s actually really appreciative of present mics friendship.

aizawa often goes through tough times with all his students (especially izuku, shoto, and katsuki) getting dragged into situations because he cares and worries about them, and present mic is there cheer him up and reassure him that everything will be fine.

present mic has a really optimistic outlook on life which usually uplifts aizawa’s pessimistic attitude.

whenever it comes to lesson plans both of them help each other out to the best of their abilities because neither of them enjoy planning stuff out.

honestly, i feel like even though they were friends in high school, their bond truly got stronger when they started teaching and because of their students.

random but one time in high school present mic dyed aizawa’s hair blond while he was sleeping at a slumber party.

the next morning aizawa woke up to mic’s relentless giggling, looked in the mirror, and was too tired to even care his hair was yellow lmao. he just looked at mic like “seriously dude?” and continued to wash his face.

but when present mic looked in the mirror he noticed that aizawa lowkey looked better than him in his signature hair color and immediately ran to the store to find black hair dye to dye it back.

after all, there’s no way he’d live it down if aizawa started pulling more girls than him…

unbeknownst to everyone else, aizawa and mic have super smash bros competitions every weekend (mic’s idea obviously)

aizawa wins

every time lmao

mic gets super pissed off about it because aizawa’s not even trying like 95% of the time and he’s STILL unbeatable.

present mic hates olives and aizawa doesn’t mind them, so whenever they get food with olives in it, mic spends time picking out EVERY olive and puts them in aizawa’s food.

they both like spicy food but while present mic is huffing and puffing and hakahajcahak-ing through his food, aizawa doesn’t even have a single drop of sweat on his face.

whenever they want to skip a teacher meeting, they use each other as excuses.

like “oh shit mic just uh… fell off a mountain i have to go help him brb” or “damn looks like eraser broke his foot gotta go check!”

they’re both dedicated teachers but sometimes those meetings can get sooo tedious.

aizawa often has to help present much grocery shop even at his grown age because man does NOT know how to shop like an adult lmao.

aizawa’s telling mic how he needs more onions because he ran out but in a split second the entire cart is filled with an entire year’s worth of snacks and junk food.

one glare from aizawa and poor present mic is putting back every single food item that he got lol.

mic is without a doubt the yapper of the duo.

like bro doesn’t know when to shut up and aizawa just goes along with it because that means he doesn’t have to talk as much.

actually aizawa’s like zoned out the whole time but present mic doesn’t really care he just likes that he can talk without interruption.

both of them are such opposites it just works out somehow and i really love that for them.

ok so this is really rushed and def not my best work but my brain is so fried rn i can’t think of anything so i hope this works 😭 i’ll definitely do more erasermic hcs later on when i can actually think tho.

[quicktimeeventfull]

god of the fryer

hello all here's (the start of) a death note fast food worker au. you can also read it on dreamwith. cw for abelism & abelist slurs. there is literally no chance whatsoever that i will ever finish or even consider finishing this because working food service at the restaurant this is based on gave me unfixable psychic damage. nonetheless. perhaps you will enjoy this as is.

Light is not above working in a fast food restaurant to put himself through university. He tells himself this mostly because it’s what his father told him, in a slightly exasperated tone, when he’d driven him to work this morning.

“Light,” he’d said, “Plenty of people take on part time jobs to support themselves. You don’t have some special quality which makes you better than them.” Then he’d stopped the car, put on the same wax museum smile he’d used years ago when Sayu was throwing tantrums, and said, “Have a good day at work, son,” in a tone which brokered no argument. 

As of last week, Light doesn’t even live with them anymore. He has his own, terrible little apartment, even though Touhou is easily close enough to bus — his parent’s idea, definitely not his. His father only drove him here today as a last favour. Light feels like he’s being sent to the gallows. He has no idea why this is happening to him.

So here he is, standing in front of what looks like the world’s saddest salad bar but is actually his collection of hamburger toppings while a girl in a backwards baseball cap reads off the menu in a sharp, clipped voice. She is going to be his manager.

“So we’ve got three basic burgers — regular, buttered bun, and regular with an extra bun in the middle.” 

“Like a Big Mac.” 

“Yeah,” she says, blandly, “but calling it that is grounds for instant termination.” 

He stares at her. She sighs. “I’m joking, but still, please don’t call it that. If someone asks for one, just say we have three basic burgers … anyway, we’ve also got a bunch of special edition burgers. There’s a cheat sheet pinned to your station..” She taps a laminated sheet listing a series of increasingly bizarre burger names and the ingredients which go into them. There are six.

Light Yagami, top of his class in every school he’s ever been to, is fairly certain that he does not require a cheat sheet to memorize six hamburgers. 

“All you need to worry about are the toppings, anyway. The guys at the grill will do the patties, and whoever’s on fry will bring you buns. Oh, and anything with mushrooms or fried onions. They’ll do that too. We’ll get you trained on some of that later. It’s honestly pretty simple. You’ll probably fuck some stuff up today, but I’m sure you’ll have it down in a couple of shifts.”

“I won’t fuck anything up,” Light reassures her. She laughs, which he finds offensive.

“Thats the spirit.”

She wanders off towards one of the girls standing next to the grill.

Light exhales slowly. 

The building isn’t as horrible as he was expecting. His vision of the back of a fast food restaurant involves dark, cramped quarters and grease stains on every available surface. In reality, it’s obsessively clean and painted in off whites and a weird salmon colour that isn’t as ugly as it sounds. This makes sense, now that he’s thinking about it — it faces right into the dining area, so the customers can see into it. You can find the grease stains if you look, but they’re mostly around the fry and grill.

His section is shielded by a half wall which he can just barely see over. His toppings (lettuce, onions, tomatoes, pickles, shredded and unshredded cheese, and some strange red and green sauces which he cannot identify) are refrigerated interior of the actual counter, so it’s freezing cold. 

Behind him, everyone is already milling about themselves, talking and nudging each other with a companionability that is equal parts nice to watch and achingly melencholy for reasons he does not with to acknowledge.

He takes his laminated sheet off the counter and scans it. He is very determined to do everything perfectly, especially now that his manager laughed at him for saying that he would. Regardless of what his father said, it’s just hamburgers. He got a perfect score on his entrance exams. He has literally been helping the NPA solve crimes over the dinner table since he was eleven. He can handle this. 

The bell on the front door chimes, and a man in a scrappy white shirt and a hurricane of black hair walks through it, shoulders hunched, and skitters through the dining area, past Light, and towards the break room. Skitters really is the right word for it — he moves like he’s being hunted. 

“God.” The voice comes from behind him. Light flinches, then turns to see his manager beside him, staring at the space where the man had been. “L’s on fry today. Fuck. I told Misa she was absolutely not allowed to switch shifts with him today. I didn’t want to be dealing with him and training someone new.”

There’s a scraping nastiness to her voice which Light does not like. It’s different from the tone she’d sed with him earlier. 

“Is he new, too?” 

She snorts. “Lawliet’s been working here for six months, but he still acts like it’s his first sixteen minutes. Look at it this way, I guess — no matter how badly you do, you’re not going to be the worst one here. He’s kind of a retard.” 

“Oh,” says Light, not sure what to follow that up with. He had not been aware that people said things like that out loud anymore. She seems to mistake this for companionability, and smiles at him. He smiles back, automatically, and she turns and walks away. 

Maybe he should have said something, but it’s his first day, and what is that going to accomplish, really? Keep your head down, he tells himself. It’s just for a little while. If he can figure out whatever the hell his parent’s game is and play it properly, they’ll realize that he doesn’t require whatever lesson they’re trying to teach him and they’ll let him stay at home and eat their food until he graduates and can get an actual job at the NPA which does not involve putting tomatoes on top of lettuce or calling your coworkers retards. 

He stares at his little laminated sheet of six varieties of the exact same food. From the corner of his eye, he can see L scuttling out of the break room, a baseball cam jammed on top of his mass of black hair. He does not join in with everyone’s chatter. 

Someone sprays something on the grill and a cloud of grease rises up towards the ceiling. Not to be dramatic, but he already wants to throw himself into the fryer. 

---

He is a burger god. Of course he is. His manager — her name is Tomoko, and he should probably start remembering things like that — praises him loudly for his formidable talents in memorizing the six recipes and remembering to put the toppings on buns instead of, what, his face. It’s absurdly easy, but they seem impressed for some reason. So that’s neat. 

The less great part is that people absolutely will not stop shouting. They aren’t angry. This just appears to be the only way anyone knows how to communicate. Literally everything — the need to restock the lettuce, the number of french fries L needs to make, whenever L needs to drop a chicken into the fryer — requires shouting. To acknowledge the shouting, the shoutee has to shout back. Light is required to shout at the customers whenever he’s finished bagging their burgers, so he is contributing to the problem. 

The only person who isn’t yelling is L, which makes him Light’s favourite person in the restaurant. Right now, possibly Light’s favourite person in the entire world.

Light absolutely despises unnecessary human noise. Even when he takes his exams, he shows up no more than a minute early, so he doesn’t have to sit through the panicked whispers and incessant rustling of papers and pens which always proceeds them. Between all the yelling and the hiss of the grill and the gurgle of the fryers, he’s just about ready to throw himself directly into the meat grinder. 

Luckily, he has always been excellent at coping in adverse situations. So he makes absolutely perfect hamburgers and wraps them with absolutely perfect folds and pairs them with the perfect number of napkins. If he pays total attention to what he’s doing, he can almost ignore all the sounds. 

He’s focusing well enough that it takes him a while to notice that the number of french fries which appear by his side is almost entirely random. Sometimes there are more than he needs, and sometimes there are less. This actually evens itself else nicely, so it doesn’t occur to him that anything is going wrong until Tomoko touches her hand to one of the bags, then makes an irritated noise deep in her throat. 

“These are cold,” she says, and tosses it with what Light personally thinks is excessive force into the trash can. “Just check before you bag them.” 

She marches off. 

He assembles a Seismic burger (three buns, secret sauce, shredded lettuce, fried onions, and a slice of cheese — and shouts at a customer to take it and its associated heart attack. 

From behind him, he can hear a new voice rising up among the clamour. Light stops what he’s doing for the first time since customers started walking in through the doors.

Tomoko is standing in front of L as he cowers back fro her. He must be tall when he stands up properly, but right now he’s just this tangle of limbs trying to knot and disappear into itself. She’s talking in a voice that’s curled like a fist — quiet, but it carries, and Light can’t help but notice how everyone seems to have paused to listen.

“This is the third time I’ve seen you drop double fries,” she says. “And I know it’s not the first because Yagami’s been bagging them cold.” Light feels a twinge of unfairness. No one told him he was doing anything wrong. “And you missed two orders of chicken. Yuri had to come back and cook them herself. I don’t know why you can’t get this --“

“If everyone would just be a little quieter —“ L starts. One of the guys by the grill cuts him off, abandoning any pretence of not listening. 

“How else do you want anyone to tell you what we need?” His voice is acidic, but L looks at him like he’s just thrown him a life raft. 

You’re misunderstanding, Light wants to tell him, the same way people shout advice to characters on television. He’s not being kind to you. That’s not a real question.

“If you could just talk to me instead —“

“Six months,” Tomoko said. “You’ve been here six months. I’m trying to handle a new trainee — who’s already three times as fast as you, by the way — and you’re screwing up the line. 

Someone drops a set of three buns in front of Light. He looks up, startled, then assembles three sets of cheeseburgers and turns back. 

“I apologize,” L is saying now. He’s actually physically stepping back, as if Tomoko’s going to hit him. From the way his voice is getting lower, more ragged, the way it’s speeding up like he needs to rush to the end before all his words topple over, Light can tell he’s trying not to cry. “It will not happen again.”

“I find that difficult to believe, because it’s already happened three times today and it’s been happening for the entire six months you’ve been here. If you want to keep your position —“

“It’s not going to happen again,” L says, words all in a rush now. He’s blinking quickly. “It will not. I can guarantee —“ 

This is absolutely the stupidest situation that Light has seen in his entire life.

There are many people who look down on adults who cry in public. Light has never been one of them. What he hates is people who look for little cracks of vulnerability and press down on them until they break, then hold their hands with their palms out and act like they had nothing to do with the result. It’s a peculiar kind of cruelty. 

It should be patently obvious to anyone that L is trying his best — if that’s not adequate, they should just fire him instead of batting him around like this. The way they’re talking won’t accomplish anything other than getting him even more upset, which has not once in the history of humankind helped anyone do a better job. It’s bad management, and it’s fucking sad and frankly cruel.

Light thinks of the word retard slipped to him like a gift he didn’t wand and which he’d accepted anyway. He sidesteps Yuri as she drops patties onto his station and strides over to L. 

Light steps between him and Tomoko and clamps his hands down on L’s shoulders. L looks up at him. His eyes are wide and so black they’re disorienting, like the aura of the night where a car’s headlamps drop off, and he looks not just upset but actually terrified. 

But he holds Light’s gaze like it’s a shelter being offered to him.

“Okay,” Light says. “Just look at me, okay? Focus. You’re okay. You’re doing fine.” He isn’t, really. It doesn’t matter. The truth is a malleable thing best tossed away in favour of the information which would be most useful in any given situation. “Do you remember what you were supposed to make?”

“Three orders of fries, two with cheese, and three pieces of chicken tenders,” L says, snapped out in a tidy rhythm. 

“Okay,” Light says, “Make that. One at a time. Don’t worry about all this other stuff. It’s got nothing to do with you.” 

“Yes,” L says. He presses his knuckles to his mouth. He’s swallowing hard. 

“You’ve got this. I know you do. You’re okay?” 

“I’m okay,” L says. He nods, once, as if to prove it. That’s why Light asked him — if you can get people to say something about themselves, most of the time they’ll end up believing it.

Light smiles at him. “Then go on.” He squeezes L’s shoulders, grabs one of the fries, and turns away. 

Everyone is staring at him. He finishes his three burgers, wraps them up, and sets them on the counter. “Customer thirty-eight!”

---

“You’re a miracle worker,” Tomoko whispers to him when three hours have gone past and there haven’t been any errors. He smiles at her. He doesn’t think it’s such a miracle — all he did was decide not to treat someone like dirt. 

His miracle lasts for about twenty minutes longer, after which L sends double fries and can’t seem to get back on track, but at least no one starts snapping at him again. 

---

After work, Light steps into the bus shelter and finds L already curled up on the seat, his knees pressed to his chest, staring straight into the traffic. The lights from the passing cars flicker on his face. 

“Which bus are you taking?” Light asks, just for something to say. 

“Oh,” L says. “None. I’m waiting for my brother.” He brings his thumb to his mouth and chews on it. It’s such a bizarre, childlike gesture. His coat, a long army-green thing which hangs off his skeletal frame, seems too thin for this weather.

“Older or younger?” 

“Mm. No.” 

For a moment, Light thinks that L’s batting down the conversation, but he takes another look at the spellbound way L stares out into the rivers of cars and realizes he’s just distracted. “You’re a twin?” 

L tilts his head very slightly. “Still no.” But there’s something different in his voice now — like it’s a game they’re playing, this guesswork. 

“Triplet, then.” 

L smiles. It’s sudden and starting. He tips his head further in Light’s direction and looks at him from the corners of his eyes. 

“Correct, Light-kun.” 

Light wants to say more, but the blue lights of the bus flash across the glass of the shelter. They reflect L’s face, turning him into a strange and scattered thing. Somehow both inhuman and more human than anyone has a right to be. He straightens his messenger back on his shoulder and steps out of the shelter. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” he says, then hurries out.

[scarqn]

Stranger || Vernon

Vernon x f!reader

Genre:fluff, nonidol!vernon, smau

Summary: you come home from a vacation to a random stranger in your bed, or maybe he isn't so much of a stranger after all...

Warnings: swearing (mostly f!reader lol sos), a lil but of angst & mental health mentions, hella serious anger issues(f! reader), mentions of sexual activity, very much kissing, mentions of food/pics of food:) TALK ABOUT CAR CRASH‼️

A/N: HEY sorry I’ve been gone all week I’m back at school and it’s exam time especially next week so I might be even more inactive (only since I wanna do good on these exams for the bigger ones) but I’ll try myself best. But I’ve always been away this week bc I’ve had no motivation at all and it’s been pretty tuff for me in general. But I hope I can do better in the future. So please forgive me for the long wait for part 4🙏🏼😰 anyways hope you enjoy❤️

Vernon makes his way to your bedroom, he wants to ask about your knee and what happened, but he feels like it may be a sensitive topic to you. So, he just asks if you needed anything else be he heads out. “No I’m okay, thank you though, it means a lot.” You reply. He nods and you get suspicious that he wants to ask you something else.

He slightly glances to your knee and now you know he’s wanting to ask what happened. “I was in an accident.” You say. Vernons head jerks up and he mutters out a single, “Oh.” It was unexpected, he didn’t know, “I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.” He’s genuine, that’s what you like the most about him. He’s honest and kind and somehow doesn’t make small things into bigger things.

“No it’s okay, I can talk about it. I ended up tearing my ACL severely. I almost lost my ability to walk, I try my best to be as careful and even though I’ve been cleared for weeks now, I dont it just stresses me out. I hit my knee and I immediately think of the worst thing possible.” You let out a small chuckle at the end.

“It happened in the states, I was staying with my mom for a little. For about three weeks, then me and my brother got into an accident after I picked him up from the gym. My mom didn’t want me to come back to Korea until I was cleared. That’s why I was gone for so long and the only people know is Mingyu and Minghao and well, now you.”

“Oh,” it’s the only thing Vernon seems to let out, he’s shocked and doesn’t know what to say. “Are you okay?” He asks, you simply nod and say, “Yes, no one was killed. My brother did experience a little bit of brain damage but he’s okay now. And so am I so please don’t worry about me. I had enough of that when it came to Mingyu and Hao.” You laugh.

“Well aslong as you’re okay, then so am I. I’m glad no deaths happened. I’m glad you’re okay, and your brother I don’t know.” You nudge he shoulder softly.

“Mingyu was right about you being a big softy on the inside.” You joke, Vernon’s raises and eyebrow, “Mingyu said that? What else did he say about me?”

“Nothing bad, just a few things he thought I’d need to know before I do something stupid like kicking you out.” You shrug your shoulders. Vernon nods, “Well, I need to get going to I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, I’ll make something when you get back.” You smile at him, he returns the smile and you both bid goodbyes and he leaves.

Once Vernon leaves, you find yourself letting out a big sigh you did notice you were keeping in. At least he now knows what happened to you. You did feel like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders when you told him what happened. Even thought you and your brother are okay, it’s still a sensitive topic. You couldn’t drive for almost 4 months because you was scared. Therapy helped you over coke that though.

“Right,” you say to yourself, “Time for the gym.”

AN: I actually like this one😭🙏🏼

Tags: @dkswife @writingbarnes

(Lmk if you wanna be tagged👊🏻)

[ladykailitha]

All My Roads Lead Back to You Part 12

Hello! Sorry this is late, but I had to take this week super slow because I went and sprained my middle and ring fingers on my left hand tripping and falling into a wall. The hand is mostly better, but it still twinges a bit.

Edie is going through some things, Eddie gets lost, and Steve learns where Harri gets his name.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

***  

Steve got home and found Edie at the counter munching away at cereal.

“You do know cereal is breakfast food, yes?” he asked as he went to the fridge to pull out the stuff he’d need to make dinner.

“Cereal is a state of mind, Dad,” Edie said, grinning around a mouth full of milk and Frosted Flakes.

“You’re going to spoil your dinner,” Steve said with a glare.

Edie cocked one eyebrow at him and he sighed. “Yeah, all right. So how was school?”

“Algebra is still the bane of human existence,” she murmured. “I just don’t understand it. I can do the geography portion of the syllabus just fine. But when it comes to algebra, I just...” and then blew a raspberry.

Steve grimaced. “I’m sorry, honey. I’ve explained it, Uncle Dusty explained it a different way, and Aunt Robin an even more different way than that and if you’re not getting, I don’t know what to do.”

Edie sighed. “I talked to Mr Olsen and he’s just going to have me take geometry next year instead of forcing me through another year of hell.”

“Are you going to get enough math credits to graduate if you do that?” Steve asked.

Edie sighed. “Probably not, so summer school it is. Yay!” she said waving her hands sarcastically.

“We’ll get you through this,” he promised.

“I know,” she murmured. She looked over at the counter where Steve had put aside enough food for an army. “You skip lunch again?”

He rolled his eyes. “No. Half of this coming with me to the office because Callen, one of the techs’ mom is going through chemo and he forgets to bring lunch.”

Edie looked at the food on the counter and back up at him. “It’s not for you?”

Steve sighed. “No. You’re not going to get hung up on this again are you?”

She shook her head. “I just worry about you, you know.”

He sighed again. “I know you do, but you don’t have to worry about this. You remember what Dr Rushing said, right?”

Edie heaved out a sigh of her own. “I know. It was a one-time thing. It’s never happened before and it hasn’t happened since.”

“Good,” Steve said firmly. “Now help me chop these vegetables.”

She drank down her milk and put her bowl in the sink. She got out a knife and the chopping board and got to work.

“Anything exciting happen at work today?” she asked.

Steve’s spine stiffened and went completely still. “About that, honey. Has your mom tried to get into contact with you recently?”

Edie frowned. “I guess about a month ago. She wanted me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. But I thought she was trying to trap me again, so I just ignored it, why?”

Steve let out a shuddering breath and told her about his afternoon. “So I’m calling the school and letting them know that she is in town and isn’t allowed anywhere near you, okay?”

“God, I swear that woman is like a bad penny,” Edie muttered. “She just keeps coming back.”

Steve nodded. “Violating the order is bad, and she will get in trouble for it. But she hasn’t tried to physically harm either of us, so I’m not sure what the police can even do.”

Edie nodded back. “I wish she would just go away. Because apparently not even finding another man to scam is enough to get her to forget about us.”

“Nothing warps the mind quite like greed,” Steve agreed. “I’ll talk to a lawyer about what more we can do about her, just to set both of our minds at ease. There must be something more we can do.”

*

Eddie was lost. He was sure Dustin told him to take the second elevator to sixth floor to meet up for lunch. But now he was starting wonder if Dustin had said the sixth elevator to the fourth floor.

Fuck.

And then he saw his savior in the form of a single glass name plate. He wrenched open the door and went up to the desk.

“Hey, so I was wondering if–” he began.

The woman at the desk cut him off by tapping her sign. Eddie’s eyes followed her finger and went, “Oh.”

He started signing instead. “My sincerest apologies, fair Vanessa! I should have been paying better attention. I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of Dustin Henderson’s office. I am meant to be having lunch with him, but I have sadly lost my way!”

Vanessa giggled and pressed a button on her desk. She signed back. “I could, but I’m pretty sure he’d take you if you wanted.”

Eddie frowned and signed back. “Who?”

She pointed behind him and he turned. There leaning against his now open door, was Steve. He had his arms crossed and was smiling fondly.

Eddie turned back to her and blushed. Vanessa raised an eyebrow.

“This idiot is on the wrong floor,” she signed to Steve. “Can you take him to Dustin? Tell him to stop letting his experiments run around the building unsupervised.”

Steve laughed. “Come on, Eddie. I’ll get you to where you need to go.”

Eddie signed “Asshole” to her before turning around and following Steve. Her laugh echoed down the hall.

“You have a mean receptionist,” he told Steve as the walked down the hall.

Steve grinned. “I know, isn’t she great? I love her.”

Eddie gulped and shoved his hands in his back pocket. “Didn’t know you were the kind to date the secretary, Harrington.”

Steve laughed. “If I tried that, her husband Nick would make sure my next hearing aid exploded.”

The knot that had formed in Eddie’s chest loosened. “I didn’t see a ring when we were signing, so I wondered.”

Steve nodded. “That’s fair. But he can’t wear one doing his work, so she told him that she wasn’t going to wear one either.”

“Is he deaf, too?” Eddie asked. He knew from Dustin that the company liked to hire hard of hearing and deaf individuals.

Steve shook his head. “One of my best interpreters, though. They came as a packaged deal. I can’t live without Vanessa and Dustin trusts Nick implicitly, I do too.”

Eddie smiled. “It seems like you two have made quite the company here.”

“It absolutely was a team effort,” Steve replied. “Dustin could MacGuiver that shit from his mom’s basement, but he couldn’t get people to listen to him about the technologies.”

“Whereas you could smooth talk a snake out of its skin?” he said, ducking his head and looking up at Steve slyly.

Steve laughed. “Something like that. So it worked to both of our strengths.”

He stopped at a door and then opened it. “Hey, Dusty! Look what I found wondering the halls like a lost puppy.”

Dustin’s head shot up. “There you are! Why didn’t you just message me on your phone, dumbass?”

Eddie flushed in embarrassment. “I thought I could figure it out. But this place is huge.”

Steve laughed. “Well Bo-peep, now that I’ve found your sheep, I’ve got to get back to work.” He jerked his thumb behind him. “Also Vanessa says to keep a tighter leash on your experiments.” He winked at Eddie who protested loudly.

“Hey,” Dustin said, glancing at Eddie quickly, “if you wanted you could come with us to lunch.”

Steve paused at the door and looked to Eddie. “If you don’t mind...”

Eddie shook his head. “You are more than welcome, Stevie.”

Steve felt that familiar swoop in his stomach at the old nickname. “Then sure. Where were you guys thinking of going?”

“Sushi!” Dustin said proudly.

Steve rolled his eyes. “I’ll pass thanks.”

Eddie cocked his head to the side. “Not a fan of raw fish, sweetheart?”

Steve’s stomach swooped again and he really needed Eddie to stop with the nicknames and endearments otherwise Steve wasn’t going to have much of a stomach left after a single lunch the way his stomach kept hollowing out.

Steve shrugged. “I’ve tried all kinds, including the cooked kind and it’s just not my thing. You two have fun though.”

Eddie may have panicked a bit because he blurted. “We could change the restaurant.”

Steve smiled sweetly. “I wouldn’t want to ruin your fun. I’ll just pick something more my flavor on Monday.” He waved goodbye and they waved back.

As the door was closing Steve could hear Dustin ask Eddie, “What happens on Monday?”

*

Steve was in his office when there was a knock on his door. He had taken out his contacts and pulled out his glasses, the beginning of a migraine floating just beyond the horizon.

He had been chugging water and had long since downed pain killers to stave it off. But he could still feel the pressure building behind his eyes.

When the knock came he looked up to see Eddie standing at the door with a take away box and smile.

“I come bearing gifts of the apology variety,” he said holding up the bag.

Steve’s shoulders sagged. “You didn’t have to do that. I would have grabbed a candy bar or something later.”

Eddie grinned. “It was Dustin’s idea, I am merely the messenger.”

“Why is everyone fussing about my eating?” Steve sighed.

“He said you tend to overwork and forget to eat.” Eddie raised an eyebrow.

Steve shoulders slumped. “He’s right. Sorry. It’s just that Edie’s been going on about my eating habits lately and it’s set me on edge.”

Eddie walked into the room and set his prize down on the table, sliding it over to him. “They got a reason to worry?”

Steve pulled the styrofoam box out of the bag and hummed happily when the scent of sesame chicken hit his nose. He pulled out the chop sticks and dug in, suddenly ravenous.

After a moment or two of stuffing his face, he shook his head. “Not really. Which is why it’s weird, it’s come out of nowhere.”

“You been eating less lately?” Eddie asked, leaning forward on the desk, having pulled up a chair up close.

Steve cocked his head as he thought about it. “I mean not really. Like yeah, sometimes I’ll work through lunch, but I always make sure to grab something later. It’s not disordered eating or whatever they’re calling it these days.”

Eddie nodded. “Anything that’s happened recently that maybe put her on edge and had her latch on to your eating habits?”

Steve scoffed around a bite of chicken. “You mean other than this really great guy I used to be friends with suddenly coming back into my life via his seventeen year old rockstar in the making?”

Eddie grinned. “Other than that, yeah.”

Again Steve gave his question the weight it deserved before shaking his head. “Nothing I can think of.”

Eddie threw himself back against the chair with a heavy sigh. “You got me then man. I don’t know.”

Steve smiled. “At least you tried.”

“Speaking of my rockstar in training, how’s your rockstar in training?” Eddie asked.

“Other than the fixating on my eating?” Steve asked. “She’s fine. Her mom tried to fuck with us again. Sent her packing via cops and lawyers. Hopefully she’ll stay away this time.”

Eddie winced. “Look, I love the name Edie. It’s beautiful, but who the hell names their daughter Edith anymore?”

Steve huffed out a laugh. “I know, right? I fought hard for Lilian. Or even just Lily. But no...it had to be Edith. I think it was a family name or some such bullshit.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “God, I think that honestly makes it worse.”

“Hence Edie,” Steve agreed. “So how did you and your husband come up with Harri. Edie said it’s spelled uniquely. With an ‘I’ instead of a ‘Y���?”

Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Steve tilted his head to the side. “I think Dusty or Nancy said it was after some prince or something.”

Eddie shook his head and ran his tongue over his teeth. “Yeah no. That’s official story. Prince Harry was born to the Prince and Princess of Wales two full years before Harri was even conceived. And when people started guessing that with Jay being English, we just didn’t bother to correct them.”

He grabbed the plaque that had Steve’s name on it and turned it around, covering the last five letters of his last name. It now read STEVEN HARRI.

It took Steve a moment before his eyes went wide. “And Jay was okay with that?”

Eddie shrugged. “It wasn’t Steven or Stephen with a ‘PH’. And I didn’t know your middle name.”

“Why?”

“Why what?” Eddie asked. “Why is my son named after a guy who’s name I’ve never spoken aloud in twenty years?”

Steve pursed his lips together and then licked them. “Yeah, man. That.”

“Jay wanted to name him after the man that save my life,” Eddie said softly. “But I was still mad at you about missing Brian’s funeral. Which I now know was because you thought Edie was being born, even if she waited a whole other week to finally make it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t make something up. Not with it in newspapers who the Hawkins hero was. So we used Harri.”

Steve finished his food and threw it away. He wiped off his hands. “Anyone ever guess the real meaning behind the name?”

Eddie shook his head. “Maybe Jeff. But no, everyone else thinks we were British snobs.”

“Well, I’m honored,” Steve said. “Not just because you think I’m a hero, but because Harri’s a good kid. I’m guessing he doesn’t know.”

Eddie shook his head. “I’ve got a letter from Jay that he’s going to get on his twenty-first birthday that will explain it. The surrogacy, his birth, his name. All of it. I wanted to tell Harri sooner, but Jay made me promise.”

Steve nodded. “He’ll probably still be angry. But at least a twenty-one, hopefully he’ll be be mature enough to understand why.”

Eddie slapped the desk with his palm. “That’s the hope.” He looked at his watch. “I’ve got to go. Harri’s got a dentist appointment. See you on Monday?”

Steve grinned. “Yeah. See you on Monday.”

***

Part 13 Part 14  Part 15  Part 16 Part 17  Part 18  Epilogue

Tag List: @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @artiststarme @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @pyrohonk @trashpocket @goodolefashionedloverboi @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence @plyerice27 @mightbeasleep @thedragonsaunt @chaoticlovingdreamer @trashpocket @sapphirecobalt-1 @a-little-unsteddie @i-must-potato @danili666  @carlyv @rozzieroos  @wonderland-girl143-blog @itsall-taken @steddie-as-they-go @lillemilly @callas-shitshow @bisexualdisastersworld @renaissan-vvitch @immortal-iratze @bookbinderbitch @cardigangoth @lilacrobin @nightmareglitter @nerdsconquerall

[cagednoob]

More turtles….

Yeah some of these I’m not super duper happy about. Clothes are hard. But I had fun theorizing about them! The one most likely to have clothes change is Jennika cause… yeah. Other than Mei and Lita, designs are also viable to change.

I just wanted casual clothes :( but I had no idea what to do 8n8

So rambles about ideas under the read more!

Mei (AKA Venus)

Mei is one of the two siblings that is swept away from the turtle brothers. And she is found by Tang Shen, a zoologist (or something). Shen at first thinks Mei is just a weird weird new species, until she actually starts to mimic her, and cling to her side similar to a child.

Shen realizing this is so much more and instantly getting attached decides fuck it. Time to raise a turtle baby. She moves out to more rural areas within New York to raise Mei where she can be safe and hidden away from people who would want to hurt her. She buys a farm off a nice family and packs everything up to go.

Mei is raised sheltered underneath her mother, and is homeschooled. She loves the countryside, and it allows her to explore to her heart’s content.

She has her own collection of things she finds outside: bugs, feathers, rocks, interesting plants and sometimes the few bone fragments around.

Mei does have at least one friend. The kid(s) of the family who previously owned the land would sometime come out to the property in childish rebellion and they met one day. So she does have that at least.

They’re fascinated by her, and also she’s smart and will do their homework for free. And she’s just eager to hear about the city life and the people!

Teng isn’t the most thrilled about this. But by the time she discovers this, there isn’t much she can do to stop it. Eventually she starts dating a man named Yoshi, and yeah at first he is freaked out by the fact his girlfriend has a mutant turtle daughter. But he eventually just shrugs about it cause there’s weirder things out there.

Mei gets to meet the turtles one day, but it isn’t a sibling bond. More of a friendly bond. And she does get to go to school! Which she’s super eager about and absolutely bouncing about. Aaaaand one day she does get a younger sister when Teng and Yoshi have a daughter named Miwa.

- Why Yoshi and Teng are her parents here is because Baxter and Superfly are separated so I figured why not.

- Also making her keep the name Mei, since there’s plenty of artists named Mei and I do like it ngl.

Frida

Frida is one of the two and that is separated from the brothers, and gets the short end of the stick sort of. Similar to the brothers she gets adopted by another mutant who is mutated by touching the ooze on her.

This mutant happened to be a spider, who becomes Big Mama. Who considers eating Frida, but decided not to. For reasons I haven’t decided yet.

Big Mama does love Frida, but mostly sees her as just a source to provide her with food. And Frida knows her job from a young age to provide for mama. She’s ruthless and uncaring to anything she grabs for her Mama.

Frida gets the short end of the stick as she is very much just a tool for Mama. And has to essentially fend for herself and teach herself. She’s quiet and calculating and just surviving rather than living.

Not sure how she would meet the other turtles, but it’s kind of a shock to her seeing the contrast of how she grew up and them (and Mei). She still has that instinct to feed her Mama, but also… it’s so nice to just relax? And not have to worry about her next meal, or if her parental figure is going to devour her if she gets too hungry.

Frida either moves in with Mei and her family OR with the turtles in my hypothetical AU. She still goes and visits her Mama who is mourning her loss tbh, but it is nice to just live in a stable environment once.

I imagine once Mama has changed enough and made an actual nice living place for Frida, she does move back in. They both learn how to be a family after seeing how other mutants have worked to do the same.

- Frida is super last minute as I just recently found out about her. Also I know she’s the “Venus” of ROTTMNT, buuuuuut they had also said new characters instead. So new character route.

- She wears dark clothes more frequently than the turtles. Buuuut after a while of learning to live she becomes a color fanatic.

Lita & Jennika

Lita and Jennika are “siblings” as they’re a part of an experimental batch. An experimental batch made by T.C.R.I.. They had successfully milked the turtles of ooze, and decided to make more stock to produce more.

And thus Lita and Jennika were grabbed to provide more of this ooze aaaaaaand they didn’t grab two turtles of the same age. Lita is very much a baby, and far too young to go through that.

Jennika is the only one old enough to produce ooze without potentially dying. But she’s only one individual and can’t go through this constantly. So T.C.R.I. is just stuck in a vicious cycle of not being able to get the amount they want cause they need to let her take breaks.

Jennika is very duty oriented, because this was what she was made for. This is her job and her life purpose. Buuuuut she is soft for Lita who is just a baby. And is basically a parent to her.

They get busted out and Jennika has the hardest time adjusting to freedom. She probably bonds hard with Frida tbh. But she is the closest to become a part of the brothers dynamic. She’s just got the cool older serious sister vibes.

Which tbh she’s spent her life taking care of Frida, so she sees them and goes “is anyone gonna stop these knuckleheads” and steps in.

Lita is adopted by Splinter and Stunkbug, and tries to also be the parent of Jennika. But she’s a tad resistant to that. And absolutely stressed about her baby sister not being her responsibility.

Lita gets to grow up in a family where she isn’t encouraged to stay hidden, and isn’t a product to be produced by a big evil company.

- If Frida was last minute then these two are SUPER last minute.

- They’re together since I haven’t figured out too much tbh about either of them. Just this much.

- Lita is adopted by Splinter and is raised as his daughter. Since I kind of am not a great fan of her seeing the brothers as her dads. Idk I just don’t like it personally.

- I played with the idea of Jennika being taken in by Shredder to pay homage to her origins in comic as a foot soldier. But ehhh it felt even more clunky tbh.

- Also neither are humans since I’m not sure if MM if human-to-mutant is even a thing. But that’s down to change. And if so I will probably make Jennika at least a weird mix of human/turtle (Lita can stay turtle tho).

[justanotherjaydrawing]

Long post of headcanons incoming. (mostly SakuAtsu but shh) (CW for ableism and brief discussion of homophobia? Probably not necessary but better safe than sorry)

- Sakusa has EDS (specifically hEDS)

- ^^ he has thin and stretchy skin (and visible veins)

- ^ might have been self-conscious about that when younger (but Atsumu loves tracing all his veins so he’s less self-conscious about it these days)

- Ushijima was his first crush, though I don’t think it is that deep necessarily, but more that Sakusa finally saw another boy who cared about hygiene and was like thank fuck I’m not gonna be stuck with the gross boys I’m surrounded by, there’s a chance for me lmao

- ^ connected to that, I do think that Sakusa is only attracted to men and found it very distressing, not for homophobic reasons but simply because women are usually cleaner and the idea of dating someone who doesn’t wash their hands after peeing horrified him lol

- Lots of his joints are prone to dislocation or subluxation. Specifically his shoulders and knees.

- he used to avoid carrying heavy things with his left arm because it would just pop out of the socket.

- Sakusa grew up in a very ableist household. Rich parents insisting on having perfect children resulted in Sakusa pushing through a lot more than he should have

- a doctor suggested he was autistic and his parents asked if it could be ‘fixed’. When the doctor said no, they just claimed he wasn’t autistic and moved on.

- Sakusa didn’t address any of his mental health issues until his second year of university. He only realised because he was talking to his doctor about his symptoms, worried it was some underlying disease, only to be told it was anxiety and suggested to see a psychologist

- Sakusa almost didn’t see a psychologist, but ended up doing it out of rebellion against his parents.

- Rebel. Take care of yourself. I believe in you.

- It took him a long time to get confident enough about his disability to tell Komori that saying things like “its usually just in his head” is a pretty shitty thing to say to someone who has chronic joint issues. Komori is super apologetic because he hadn’t realised he was belittling Sakusa’s problems.

- Komori feels super guilty about it and ends up going down a rabbit hole of disability rights research and makes sure to speak up against ableism at every chance he gets. (not me, wishing for a Komori in my life lmao let me have this)

- Sakusa is very popular among the girls while in school, partly due to the fact he doesn’t hit on them but also they find him hilarious when he rags on the other boys in their classes.

- In university Sakusa and Yachi become friends

- idk who came up with the idea of Sakusa and Yachi being besties but I have seen it in so many fics and it honestly is the greatest thing to me and I adore it so fucking much. I love Yachi and her ability to befriend the grumpiest men.

- It has been said before, it will be said again. The Miya twin’s have a single mom. Honestly, this is just canon to me.

- I am leaning to thinking their dad just fucked off and was a complete deadbeat. The twins seem to have the sort of underlying rage that comes with being let down by father figure.

- They are both major mama’s boys.

- Atsumu gets irrationally upset about yo mama jokes. It doesn’t matter that he understands it is just a joke format, the idea of someone being mean to his mama makes him wanna throw hands

- this has been said before, but Osamu’s love of cooking came from helping out his mom in the kitchen as a kid

- later on this translated into him cooking for his mom when he was old enough to cook on his own. He loves taking care of people by feeding them. He loves that food can be a way to communicate and show love to people.

- The twins would join their mom for pamper nights

- this almost certainly started with their mom being like “I just need some me time” and Atsumu being like “ok but can I join?” “But Atsu, we’re gonna wear sticky gooey face masks~ and watch gross romance movies~” “...ok but can we have popcorn too?” “… yeah we can have popcorn.” so it turned from me time to Miya time lol

- Osamu sometimes joins but not always

- the twins have seen all the twilight movies so many times they could quote it from memory

- they quote it to each other as an inside joke but they are respectful when watching it with their mom because it is her favourite movie series.

- The Twins have very good hygiene routines due to being raised by their single mom.

- this does not translate to eating politely though.

- they do both have very good skin care routines though since their mom helped them sort it out

- Osamu is more lax about it because he doesn’t really care.

- Atsumu finds it soothing though

- Atsumu is weirdly good at “girl talk” because their mom started dating again once they were in high school, but she didn’t like keeping it hidden so she would come back from dates and just gossip about it with the boys. Osamu just listens quietly, but Atsumu loves ragging on the men if they don’t meet their standards lol

- I don’t think Atsumu would ever be in the closet really. This is based off of him not caring if people like him, but I think once he figured out his family would care he just wouldn’t feel the need to hide it. He would get in fights because of it and he had terrible survival instincts with it all, but he isn’t one to hide who he is (even in situations where it might be safer to do so).

- I don’t remember who said this but it is canon to me, Atsumu is hard of hearing. I hadn’t even considered it until I saw someone post about it and I can’t remember who it is OP I am so sorry, you changed my life and I don’t even know your name!!

- but hard of hearing Atsumu makes so much sense to me. Him being “too loud”, him being so attached to Osamu (probably due to having trouble communicating people when he was younger and feeling like Osamu was the only one who was on his side)

- this is just a reminder to me that I should draw him with hearing aids

anyway this is too much information and my head is still bleary with sleep so like if it doesn’t make sense im sorry lmao but I wanted to share my thoughts because I have too many and I am obsessed with these dumbasses.

also I said this is sakuatsu but really it is just Sakusa and Atsumu, not much about their relationship lol my bad

[pumpkinsy0]

I love basing characters off random things so from the previous ask, I wanna talk about the Curtis Parents!

(I am aware that their names are not middle eastern, but I’m gonna go off and say that they were changed to better fit with Americans so not much problems would arise with their family.)

It would make sense that they’re white But I’m gonna go off ‘canon’ here and say that they were both born in a Middle Eastern country (it can be any country,) I’d say Darrel was already born into a not so wealthy family, lower than the middle class. So in order to take care of his family, he would always worked from a young age in many different jobs to bring back money to the family so they would be able to afford basic necessities for everyone. When he is much older, he meets his wife, in which he falls in love with her and asks her family for her hand in marriage. During this time, they would talk and communicate with one another, eventually them falling deeply in love with each other due to sharing common interests.

It’s cultural tradition that Arab families would have gold jewellery in their possession, in which Mr Curtis would work extremely hard in order to get these gifts for his wife. But during this time, when they were already married and having their first child, Darry, mr Curtis realised he wanted to have a better life for their family, he never wanted to raise them in a village where he had to work hard at a small age. So talking to his wife, they made a deal. They would sell their jewelleries (in which he promised his wife, he would buy it back,) to build up the money to transport only one person. (He decided it would be better to figure out a job and a house before bringing his family over.)

Darrel was born and somewhat raised in his native country, while Soda and Pony were born in America, making them Arab Americans.

I think because it was already expensive enough to transport them to America, they couldn’t exactly afford to go back to their native country. Not only because they didn’t have the money, but because they couldn’t. They missed their families and their food, but they had nothing else going on for them there. America was already limited with ingredients to make traditional food, so they make what they can get, but usually they would make what’s considered American food. Some they already have would be rice stuffed vegetables, kebab, and Kofta. They always wished their sons would be more connected to their culture.

Since having expensive jewellery is considered cultural, Ms Curtis left her belongings in her room, kept safely. And after they die in an auto wreck, I don’t think either brother would sell her jewellery, considering it would be one of the only things that reminded them of her, and thought it’d be disrespectful to give their mothers’ treasures away.

With languages, I think with Darry, he speaks pretty fluently considering their parents first language would be Arabic, they mostly talked to him in Arabic before they self taught themselves to speak proper English so that they would better fit in. With Soda, I think he would be the type to have spoken Arabic at first when he was younger, but when he started going to school, he forgot when he grew older.

With Pony, I think that Darry would sort of teach him to keep up with his language skills. (Making him revise the alphabet, learning grammar, etc.) whenever he is able to do so. He knew their parents never wanted them to forget their family heritage, so after they were gone and couldn’t help Ponyboy (nor Soda,) he opted to help them out when he was free from work,

(This based off my Family juuuust a smidge 😅)

This would be more thought out well if I wasn’t typing so late, so hopefully this is coherent-able!

OOOOO I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH IM ADDING IT TO MY CHARACTER MULTIVERSE WOOOOOO

never worry about race canon here anon look at who ur talking to,,,/lh

if i could choose like a country from the middle east i would hc the curtis family of coming from it would either b iraq, lebanon, jordan, MAYBE saudi arabia or afghanistan and idk y??? its those in particular??? idk squat about the places or culture i just feel those places in particular

BUT I LOVE THESE HCS THEYRE SO COOL!!!!

pls,,,pls tell me each of the brothers kept a jewelry from their mom,,,im begging u,,,,they dont even wear it they have it some place sacred

also unrelated, but mrs curtis w henna???aw yea baybee,,,i feel like pony would really b i to the designs, theyve always just fascinated him

ik when darrys frustrated he mumbles something in arabic i can feel it in my bones

in my head black black curtis family and ur arab curtis family r shaking hands and going off into the sunset together

AND AND look IF it was sandy that i did hc to b arab, ik they would love her bc they dont see many middle eastern ppl in tulsa, its like a connection between em

also anon ur arab??? thats so cool!!!

i love learning about different cultures i go insane over it,,,thank u anon,,,

[alia-the-wintergirl]

anaed wish fufillment writing

basically just a wish fulfillment thing meant to trigger myself

basically just a skinny rich girl whos good at everything being a skinny rich girl whos good at everything

don't like don't read pls

I just ate, and my stomach is still as flat as it was when I woke up and checked it in the mirror. My breakfast, a cup of greek yogurt topped with blueberries, wouldn’t be enough to push my stomach out, to make me look as fat as the girls around me. But it’s a relief anyway.

I don’t have time for my usual Pilates routine, since I have school today but got up late. I do a shortened version instead, and beat my personal low plank record by almost a minute. To celebrate, I put a dollar in my ‘victory jar’. 

Every time something worth celebrating happens in my life, like a perfect grade on a test or losing five pounds, I put a dollar in the jar. Having had it for over six months now, it’s almost full to bursting, and I have to cram the newest dollar in. 

I shower and watch the water run down the flat planes of my body, over my collarbones, down my stomach, dripping in the gap between my thighs. I don’t mean this in a perverted way, I’m just proud of the work I’ve done to have my body look like this.

I towel off and dry my hair, pulling it into a claw clip so I can do my full skincare routine without having to worry about it falling in my face. My boyfriend likes to tease me about the sheer amount of bottles lining my medicine cabinet, all containing some sort of serum or lotion to keep my face clean and clear, but I’ve caught him using them on his own face, so anything he says about them doesn’t bother me.

Once I’ve finished with my skin, I take my hair out of the claw clip and begin to style it. Most days I skip over makeup, because I find it tedious and I don’t really need it. Without it, I look the same as the girls who do wear it, so I don’t see the point in spending time putting it on. Today is no different; I don’t even bother with mascara. 

My hair is wrangled into a french braid that cascades to just below my shoulder blades. I haven’t cut my hair in the last five years and it shows, which makes me happy. Sometimes I'm tempted to get a big chop and go for the bob look, but my boyfriend always stops me before I get to the hair salon. He likes it long, mostly because he knows I do.

I step out of my bathroom, cross through my room, and enter my walk-in closet. My parents chose this apartment for me, and decided I would need all the luxuries they could possibly think of. I would’ve been fine with a bed, sink, and toilet, but since they are the ones paying for the apartment, they got to pick.

My outfit for today is fairly basic; just Diesel baggy jeans, a Maison Margiela long-sleeved bodysuit, and my favorite pair of Sambas. They’re extremely beat up, mostly because I wear them everywhere. 

Two years ago, I’d be worried about how not-fabulous the outfit was. But because I’m much skinnier and prettier now than I was back then, I’m not concerned. My body makes the look work. And besides, underneath it all is an underwear set that never fails to make me feel pretty.

I grab my brown messenger bag and take the train to Yale. My first class is Biochemistry, something I was told was difficult but that I’m actually really enjoying. I like my professor, which is really critical to my enjoyment of any class, and the coursework is interesting. It really makes me glad I chose pre-med, because I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, but I know I’d probably die if I didn’t like the classes.

In class, a girl next to me offers me some of her candy. I politely refuse, not because it doesn’t look tasty, but because I don’t think it’d be very good for long. Cheap food leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth, so I avoid grocery store candies and fast food. It’s just not for me.

I only have three classes today, each right after the other, and I speed through them, asking and answering questions in each. I believe that active participation in class really helps my learning, so I do my best every day to engage.

After class, I go back home and decide to go on a run. I’m a Lululemon fanatic; nearly all my workout gear is from them. I pull on a pair of leggings, a cute sports bra, socks, and a pair of New Balance running shoes, and once I’ve got my music set up, I’m ready to go. 

I run for a half hour or so, enjoying the slight burn in my muscles and the rasp of my breathing. It’s freeing, in a way. 

Once I’ve circled back to my apartment, I shower and change into comfy clothes for a productive afternoon of studying. I re-do my notes, clarify any points I’m unclear on, and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls in between. It’s relaxing and helps me to feel confident about the test I have next week. 

My boyfriend texts me, asking if I want to go to the Lotus Eatery for dinner tonight, because he thinks he can get reservations. The Lotus Eatery is a cute little hole-in-the-wall restaurant run by an older Tunisian couple, and it’s suddenly become very popular, probably as a result of its newfound Michelin star.

But honestly, I’d rather not. I love my boyfriend, he’s wonderful and the best guy a girl could ask for, but restaurants are the worst, because I never know how many calories are in the dishes and it’s odd to ask. But today’s calorie total is in the negatives, so I guess I can afford to have a nice meal with the man I love. I tell him I’d love to.

I get dressed yet again, this time opting for a vintage Gucci dress my grandma found for me. She’s a nut about couture, and when picking out Christmas gifts, she does not mess around.

It’s lovely, a white lacy thing that I think looks nice on my skin. I style my hair into a gentle updo, and in a concession to beauty standards, swipe on some lip gloss. I hate doing it; it feels like a betrayal of myself, but my boyfriend might like it, just like how he might like my eating with him, so I’ll do it. 

He has a car, so he picks me up from my apartment. The leather interior is nice to the touch, and he has my favorite playlist of his playing softly over the stereo. As I step into the car, he pulls me in for a light kiss. It takes a lot for me to not totally forget about the reservations and jump his bones right there, but I hold myself back and we’re on our way.

At the restaurant we’re seated fairly quickly, no delays. At places that are this popular, even reservations usually aren’t a guarantee of being seated fast, but the Lotus Eatery does pride itself on its customer service, so I guess it makes sense.

The food is wonderful, but I take care in eating politely. I’m hungry, probably because the greek yogurt this morning was the last thing I ate, but I still make sure I eat slowly and leave a small amount on the plate. Mrs. Yaakoubi, the wife part of the husband-wife duo that runs this restaurant, sees food left over as a sign that someone doesn’t like her cooking, so I make sure it's barely noticeable, leaving little bits and pieces everywhere instead of one big and prominent section of food uneaten. 

We have dessert there too, zouza made by Mr. Yaakoubi, who was a confectioner back in Tunisia. It’s amazing, melt-in-your-mouth caramel goodness. When I kiss my boyfriend later that night, I can taste it in his mouth.

He pays the bill, and we go back to his place, where I spend the night.

[twilightknight17]

Yesterday on P3R, we learn some new things, shake our heads at Kenji, and explore a new area of Tartarus!

Chidori is still being held in the hospital, mostly refusing to talk. She will talk to Junpei, but not about anything to do with Strega.

Today, though, she has an… adverse reaction.

Akihiko, its either a shadow or a persona. Come on, man. Being able to see it outside the Dark Hour is interesting, though.

Shinji, fortunately, tells them to get the hell out of the way so he can give her medicine, which calms down her persona and probably saves her life.

I’m with Mitsuru. That’s really not something to be so chill about.

That means their awakenings were definitely wrong, which we sort of already knew based on the whole human experimentation thing. I’m not entirely sure how to interpret this in terms of wider lore. Your shadow will definitely try to kill you if you reject it, but that’s not what’s happening here. This might say more about Chidori’s overall mindset than anything. Especially since she really just doesn’t care whether she lives or dies.

Junpei tells her that he didn’t want her to die. That he was panicking when Medea tried to kill her.

“Dying just means you don’t wake up tomorrow.”

Junpei doesn’t want to hear that in the slightest.

He’s in love with this girl. He hasn’t said it out loud yet, but I think saying that is close enough. XD

Shinji left the hospital, and Akihiko chased after him to ask why he had persona suppressants. Which… Shinji refused to answer, which is an answer in and of itself. The reason Akihiko is so worried, though, is because of the side-effects. Which are not specifically named, but implied to be very bad. Shinji tells him not to worry though, because he’s not taking them anymore now that he’s fighting again.

Akihiko punches him for that.

Oh, that’s what happened. :/ Fucking hell, Aki.

Can all my senpais pls get it together and communicate with each other?

Well, while everyone else is experiencing emotional honesty and getting punched, I guess I’ll go hang out with Kenji. Most just because I have to know where this link is going.

Man, if I wasn’t trying to get the correct answers, Minato’s doofus answers would be all the ones I’d use for this guy.

Kenji isn’t sure how many more times we’re going to be able to go out like this. He’s going to be going to cram school, after all, and working really hard to get into a good college. Since he went in Ms. Kanou’s room (?????) and saw that she had a wedding magazine on her side table. So he’s got to be seriously thinking about his future, because his plans are set!

I want to say “sure whatever” so badly.

But like, go for it, Kenji. I, uh, believe in you? Or something?

Going out for ramen with Shinji was nicer, I think. We’re just chilling.

My elders can be remarkably unhelpful sometimes. Especially all of my teachers. Including Ikutsuki.

I need to find some time this week to go to Tartarus, since the new area is open. I think it’s gonna be a new block, so I can’t wait to see what things look like next. Industrial is fun and all, but the stairs are a little annoying. So--

...that can happen??? The game is warning me there might be irreversible consequences if I don’t save them?

I’m guessing this is one of my social links, so if they get munched, I can’t finish their link. I guess we’re going to Tartarus, later.

After school, Junpei learns that Chidori can transfer her energy to heal, when she revives her wilted sunflowers.

Holy shit, girl. You’re a really powerful navi.

Also after school, Fuuka’s food is so bad that Minato gets physically sick.

She put way too many strong flavors together. T_T

Okay, look, I need to go to Tartarus. I know. HOWEVER, if I finish Tanaka’s link, I never have to talk to him again. So we’re gonna do it.

...oh. Well. Look who talked himself into some character development just by venting at me for months. Good for you! Can I have my 40k yen back, too?

No?

All right.

He leaves us with the parting words of “Stop talking to shady men at night,” and “Goodbye forever.”

Freedom! Now I can just hang out with my teammates at night, until I find my Tower link.

Pharos is back to talk about stuff, and is being… sweet.

We will. We’re soulmates, you and I.

Okay fine I’m off to Tartarus.

It’s like some kind of opulent castle ruin. I love this.

Apparently it’s the bookstore guy, Bunkichi, who is lost in Tartarus, which on the one hand, is understandable. (Just not the part where he’s on the HUNDRED AND TWENTIETH FLOOR.) On the other hand, no consequences for me even if I left him here because that link is done. XDDD

Anyway, with him escorted out, we can keep goi--

Oh I don’t like that. Fuck.

We’ll do some more of that next time. I will leave y’all with the silly observation that Loki, Trickster God and highest-level persona of the Fool Arcana, starts at level 69.

Nice.

[petri808]

@bkdksecretsanta giftee Doodle_cakess on Twitter or Ig 🎁🤶🏻🎄

First day of Freshman year at a University in Tokyo, Katsuki Bakugou is ready to throw off the image of a child and embrace this new step. He wasn’t always the most mature… and yeah, he did have a reputation as a bully. That all ended in high school, but the label followed him all three years because he was surrounded by people who knew him all his life. Not anymore. This is his chance to start fresh in a new city hundreds of miles away from home and anyone that really knows him. 

“Hey, Baku-bro, wait up!” Eijiro Kirishima waves as he gets closer. 

Bakugou stops so the man can catch up, then the two continue towards the bus stop. He’d found an apartment close to the campus, but it was a little out of his price range, so he put up an ad on the school’s blog for a roommate and Kirishima had answered. They’d moved in just under a month ago, and so far, the arrangement works. The guy is a bit chatty for Bakugou, but in a way that’s comforting because it reminds him of someone else, he once knew. “I think I’m gonna like my classes,” Bakugou opens the dialogue. “You?”

Kirishima drops his school bag next to the door as he takes his shoes off. “I was worried ‘bout linear algebra, but the guy I sit next to seems super smart nerdy, said he’d help me if I need it.”

“Lucky you,” not that Bakugou really cares, but he is happy for his friend.

College is supposed to include having fun, you know, the whole spreading one’s wings, trying new things, the last hurrah before settling into a career. Each weekend, Kirishima harasses Bakugou to go out with him to the bar, or an izakaya restaurant, or just get out in general instead of being a hermit. Sometimes he relents, but mostly stays cooped up in his room studying if he’s not at his part-time job at the nearby convenience store. Having to work and go to school is rough around test times, but he’s lucky the boss is flexible with his hours. Kirishima also has a part-time job at a restaurant as a line cook. The benefit for the two were the leftovers he’d bring home that helped with their monthly food budgeting. 

Kirishima knocks on the door frame of Bakugou’s bedroom. “A couple friends’n I are gonna go to Shiono for drinks, come with us Katsuki,” he coaxes. “I wanna intro you to someone.”

“Who?” Bakugou asks without looking up from his phone. 

“The guy from my class,” Kirishima answers, “the one I told you about.”

Bakugou groans. “Why?” What’s so interesting about this nerdy math whiz that requires him to leave the warmth of their apartment?

“Why? Ugh!” Kirishima whines, “why not! Come on, midterm’s over, it’s the holiday season, so let’s celebrate a little. My treat.”

If this conversation is like all the others, his roommate is not going to let up easily. But Kirishima must really want him to go out this time, because he rarely offers to treat. Bakugou rolls his eyes, “okay, fine! But I’m not staying out till super late, I gotta work in the morning.”

“Cool, cool,” Kirishima throws him his coat he’s been holding as if he already knew his roommate will say yes, “let’s go!”

As soon as they step out of the heated apartment building into the winter night, Bakugou pulls the collar up tighter around his neck to block out the cold. Powdery flurries float around, so light and delicate, they don’t last long enough to blanket the ground, but they surely send a chill as they melt down the back of your neck. The izakaya Shiono is a mere three blocks away, through sidewalks lined with lighted trees and cheerful pedestrians snapping selfies to celebrate that time of year. Kirishima chattered away, talking about some kind of amazing donburi bowl with the most succulent pork that melts in the mouth that Bakugou just must try when they get to the restaurant. It did sound good… and he hasn’t eaten dinner yet, so maybe he’ll get that for dinner. 

Bakugou knows two of the people that are likely going to be at the restaurant, so the only stranger will be this classmate Kirishima sings praises for. After they step into the restaurant and hand over their coats, the server guides them to a large booth at the back of the room. He admits this is a cozy place, no wonder Kirishima likes it. The atmosphere feels mellow and welcoming, not to mention the air alone smells delicious. Bakugou follows behind his roommate and braces for the meeting. He’ll just have a couple of beers then go home.  

“What’up guys!” Kirishima boisterously makes their presence known by posing with his chest puffed out at the front of the table.

The three men in a high-spirited conversation in the booth all turn at the same time, answering back with various responses, smiles, and gestures— that is until one of the men sees Bakugou, and Bakugou sees who the man is. Suddenly, all the air in the room is sucked out leaving a strange void with only the sound of white noise ringing in his ears taking him back in time to a past he’s trying to run from. His eyes widen in a mixture of fear and surprise, voice cracking from the drying throat, “Izu—ku?” Bakugou questions the green-haired young man in the booth. He hasn’t seen Izuku Midoriya in four years.

The night started out so well with the interesting and humorous topic the guys were just talking about. Midoriya instantly deflates into the booth chair with a quiver in his tone. “K-Kaachan?”  

Suddenly, Bakugou feels like he’s taken a knockout punch to the gut. Why, of all the people… the one person he never thought he’d see again or rather was afraid to and based on Midoriya’s body language, he’s not thrilled to see him either. 

“Whoa! You two know each other?” Kirishima queries in excitement as his attention swings back and forth between the two men.  

Ugh! Of course, his roommate doesn’t read the room. “Uh, yeah…” Bakugou mumbles, averting his eyes to the ground. “We were close as kids, but I haven’t seen Izuku since middle.” Kirishima hasn’t picked up on the tension, but the other two people sitting silently in the booth next to Midoriya clearly has if the side-glances to each other are a giveaway. 

Kirishima turns to his classmate. “Dude, it’s so crazy that you know my roommate! I’m so glad he finally came out with me!”

“Yeah…” Midoriya’s eyes immediately dart around like a cornered animal looking for a way out. “I used to know him.” He then suddenly looks at the imaginary watch on his wrist. “Oh, shucks, I totally forgot I have to be somewhere…” he gets up from the booth and tosses some money onto the table for the drink he’d purchased. “I… I’ll see you guys later.” Midoriya feigns an excuse and immediately leaves the restaurant. 

Shocked, Kirishima turns back to his roommate. “What just happened? Did something happen between you two or something?! Dude I’ve never seen Izu react like that.”

“You could say that…” Bakugou responds gruffly not wanting to go into detail.

“No way, dude!” Kirishima grabs Bakugou by the shoulders. “Well, whatever it is you gotta fix it then! Because it’s bad to lose a childhood friend!” He physically turns his roommate around, points him towards the exit and shoves. “Go after him!”

Bakugou stumbles a step, then half turns to confront Kirishima. “Why?!” He growls. “It’s obvious he doesn’t wanna be around me and I don’t blame him ‘cause I was a complete asshole back then.”

“I don’t care.” Unafraid or phased by his roommate’s gruff attitude, “don’t argue, just go,” Kirishima pushes Bakugou again. “I’d hate it if my roommate and friend can’t get along together over something that happened as dumb young kids. You’re adults now, solve it like adults!”

With a growl, Bakugou relents and stomps out of the restaurant so quickly that he forgets to grab his coat. Damn that Kirishima for being right! But he doesn’t even know where Midoriya is heading, so how is he supposed to find him?! That argument dies when he sees the man standing at the bus stop. Bakugou looks up at the sky for a moment. Is fate just aligning tonight to force his hand? Kirishima didn’t even ask the reason why they haven’t been in contact before making him chase after Midoriya. Doesn’t know how badly he’d hurt his childhood friend, bullied him for three years and how he couldn’t blame the man for leaving and going to a high school in a whole ‘nother city to get away from him. If he’d wanted to make amends, he would’ve looked for Midoriya back then, but he felt like he didn’t have a right to, didn’t deserve to ask for forgiveness, especially when he still didn’t understand at the time why he’d been such a dick. Now he does, or at least he’s accepted the reason and he hoped to lock that away for the rest of his life rather than admit it. 

“Fuck…” Bakugou growls under the heated breath of mist. The cold starts to bite without his coat, but if he went back to retrieve it, Izuku might be gone when he returns. He crosses his arms and walks quickly towards the bus stop where Izuku stood unaware that he’s followed. “Izuku!” He calls out once he’s within just a few more steps. “Izuku, I need to talk to you.”

Midoriya whips around with wild eyes and takes a step back with his hands raised in front of him. “Go away Kaachan! I don’t wanna see you!”

Bakugou takes another tentative step forward. “Eijiro told me to chase after—”

The man’s body instantly stiffens in anger, hackles raised like a cat warning off an enemy. Oh, that really pisses Midoriya off. “If that’s the only reason!—”

His hands gesture wildly in exasperation, “Fuck, it’s… It’s not!” Bakugou snaps. He takes a step forward as he lowers his tone of cracking desperation. “I-I… he’s right! I need to apolo—”

Midoriya takes another step back. “Don’t, Kaachan!” He intensifies the stop gesture with both hands raised. “I don’t. Wanna. Hear it! Just leave me alone!”

“No!” Bakugou stomps forward a step. “I’m not leaving!”

“Why is it so important?!” Groaning, Midoriya throws up his hands in exasperation. “I don’t need your apology; I just want to continue to forget like I’ve done for the last four years!”

“Because…”

“Because what?!” Frustrated, Midoriya fixes a hardened glare straight into Bakugou’s eyes. “If it took Eijiro telling you to apologize, clearly you didn’t figure it out on your own! Do you really understand just how much you hurt me?!”

“I know it was wrong to bully you…”

“Pfft! Hahahaha,” Midoriya suddenly raises his gaze to the sky as he bursts into sarcastic laughter. “Is that why you think I felt hurt?” He turns his back to shun Bakugou as he starts walking away again. “You haven’t figured out anything. Goodbye, Kaachan.” 

That reaction catches him completely by surprise and the shock keeps his feet planted while he processes the situation. He’s never seen Izuku like this, so sarcastic and punchy. As Bakugou watches the distance between them grow, he notices how much broader Midoriya’s back has become. No longer the skinny twerp, his old friend has filled out— looks good. Because of his childish stupidity, he lost the chance to watch him become a man, to grow into an even cuter version of the freckle-faced, curly green-haired boy that meant too much to him, and now as that back slowly fades into the wintry flurries, he’s about to squander this second chance. But maybe he should just let this go. If Midoriya is happy now and his presence is only causing him pain, perhaps he should leave… leave this university, this city, just go away as his consequence?

“Fuck that!” Bakugou growls beneath his breath. He musters up the courage he was missing all those years ago. “I fucking love you, okay?!” He screams at the top of his lungs. “I don't want to, but I fucking do— can’t help it! That’s why I was so dumb, that’s why I was an ass, but I was 12! I didn’t know shit at that age!”

Midoriya stops dead in his tracks but doesn’t turn around just yet. In a low tone he responds inquisitively yet with a snarky undercurrent. He knows Bakugou was never one to lie about something like this, so he knows there’s truth to his words but, “that sounds ridiculous. Why would you hurt the person you say you love?”

Bakugou’s body and voice deflates, it’s a fair question which hurts to admit. “Back then I didn’t understand what I felt was love. It just felt weird— made me feel awkward around you, so I drove you away instead.” He sighs, “when I finally figured it all out, it was too late. You’d moved away and I didn’t know where you went.” He snorts a depressing laugh. “Know how I figured it out? One of the girls in a class dropped a manga under their desk, so I picked it up and it was one of those boy’s love manga’s. I felt so stupid.”

“You could’ve asked my mom.” Midoriya’s voice softens to the teary tone of the man’s words. “She would’ve told you.”

“I didn’t think I deserved you. I still don’t think I deserve you.” Bakugou drops down into a squat with his head in his hands. “You’re such a cinnamon roll, everyone loves you, so smart, while I’m a dick who people steer clear of… I’m glad I got that out finally, it’s enough for me. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

“Kaachan…” Midoriya sighs and leans down in front of the man. “Have you figured out why I was so hurt when you pushed me away?” Bakugou shakes his head without looking up. “Sure, the bullying hurt, but it’s because I loved you so much, you are more than just a friend to me, and to have my crush treat me like a stranger, I couldn’t bear it.”

“Even more reason I don’t deserve you,” Bakugou mumbles. 

Midoriya forces Bakugou’s chin up. “Do you still love me?”

“Yes.” He states matter of fact. 

“Then I’ll decide what you deserve or not,” Midoriya smiles. “What was the chance of ending up at the same school, with the same classmate in common? Fate gave us a second chance, so shouldn’t we take it?”

Bakugou’s head is spinning, and heart is soaring. Never in a million years would he have seen this coming. Midoriya really is too good for him. “I swear I’ll never hurt you again.”

Midoriya smiles wide but narrows his eyes, “I know, but if you do,” he open-hand taps Bakugou’s cheek sternly, “I’ll make your life a living hell…”

[spacecowboysfrommars]

Unfinished Drabble

I worked on this a few weeks ago and realised that I'll probably never get around to finishing it, but I like it too much to delete, so I'm posting it here. Enjoy a half-finished, mostly fluffy (if you ignore the last part) drabble.

After about twenty minutes of scrolling through a niche food blog that MJ uses for their date nights in the city, Peter manages to find a hole-in-the-wall spot for him and Tony to have lunch at. 

“This it?” Tony asks, pulling into the parking lot of Anderson’s Breakfast and Lunch with the cherry-red Ferrari (his most luxurious car) that he likes to parade around for Peter’s embarrassment. As long as he isn’t being picked up from school with it, Peter really doesn't mind it all that much. 

“Uh-huh.” The parking lot is full of holes, dragging the car down near the Earth before they right themselves. The seventeen-year-old smiles sheepishly when Tony shoots him an unimpressed look. He always pretends to care more about his extensive car collection a lot more than he actually does. “Careful, Mr. Stark.” 

“I’ve been driving longer than you’ve been alive, kid.” Tony grumbles as they park.  

“You forget to put on your seatbelt at least once a week.” 

“God, when did you become such an evil, miserable child?” Tony sighs dramatically, setting a hand over his chest like his poor heart is breaking. Peter grins wickedly and rolls his eyes. “Remember when I was the light of your life? Your childhood hero? Your biggest inspiration-”  

“Old age is messing with your memory.” 

“I’m telling May that you speak to me like this.” 

“Go ahead. She encourages it.” 

They’re celebrating Peter finishing his first semester’s exams; only one more semester of high-school before he’s (hopefully) off to M.I.T in the fall. He’s as excited as he is terrified to leave Queens come September. Tony has been around to calm him from every spiral thus far, but he’s worried that as he months fly by, it won’t be enough anymore. 

Peter forcibly pushes those thoughts away. Leaving for Cambridge is still over seven months away. Right now, he’s still here with Tony, about to devour all the greasy brunch food that his stomach allows. There’s nowhere that he would rather be. 

The hostess’ (a teenager that can’t be much older than Peter, with snowy blonde hair and skin so pale that it practically sparkles in the sterile restaurant lighting) jaw drops when Tony Stark walks in. She shivers and stutters while she gropes for their menus, stumbling a little as she leads them to their table. Tony thanks her with a genuine smile (Peter whispers a thank you too, but he sincerely doubts that she notices in her starstruck haze).  

“This isn’t one of those vegan places that your girlfriend likes, right?” Tony asks worriedly, after they sit down. He sets his sunglasses on the table, something that Peter knows isn’t a meaningless gesture. This is him being open, being vulnerable, like his therapist suggests, which he knows from Tony’s various complaints.  

“You have a weird vendetta against veganism.” Peter picks up the syrup-sticky menu, grimacing. “And no, it’s not.” 

“I would like to see you try to be vegan, Mr. I-Need-Six-Thousand-Calories-A-Day-To-Function.”  

Peter was horrified when he first discovered how deeply his enhanced metabolism affects his calorie intake, mainly because there was no way that May would be able to afford to feed him as much as he needed. Despite Peter’s adamant protests when Tony found out, he sends a generous chunk of cash every week to make up for it.  

“I bet I could do it.” The seventeen-year-old insists.  

“Your favorite food is spaghetti and meatballs.” 

The bickering dies down as the pair get engrossed in their menus. The waitress comes back around, still trembling ever-so-slightly, to take their orders. Peter orders a BLT and a fried egg over avocado toast (something MJ recently got him hooked on), and beams when Tony orders French Toast and fruit. 

“Hey,” Peter starts joyously, after the waitress has left. “You’re finally trying normal breakfast food, instead of all that fancy stuff.” 

“What are you talking about?” Tony stretches an arm leisurely over the cushion of the book, full attention on Peter. In two-and-a-half years of knowing him, he’s still not entirely used to hanging out with his childhood-idol-turned-father-figure almost every day.  

“Normal people don’t eat raspberry pain au chocolate.” 

“Chocolat.” Tony corrects him, laying the French pronunciation on thick.  

They fall into an easy rhythm after that, because how could they not, when they are together practically every day. Over the years, the weekend internship has shifted into Peter staying at least a night or two during the week, on top of whole weekend, on top of all his holidays from school, on top of just for a few hours when May is working late and he doesn’t want to be alone at the apartment.  

They talk about Peter’s new STEM classes and what he did on patrol last night and where he’s planning on taking MJ for Valentine’s Day. 

“I could pull some strings and get you two a nice dinner reservation.” Tony shrugs, like it’s something he does for people every day. Peter toys with the sleeve of the M.I.T hoodie that he stole from the billionaire’s closet last summer, when he was going away to Europe.  

“Thank you, but...” He clears his throat. “I don’t think Em will like a fancy dinner. I was thinking of taking her to this used record and bookstore in Flushing that she really likes.” 

Tony doesn’t look offended, reaching down for his wallet instead. “I can still lend you a couple bucks. Is three hundred good?” 

Peter clearly chose the wrong moment to take a sip of his water. He nearly does a spit-take. “Three hundred dollars?” 

The man rolls his eyes, throwing the bills at Peter. “No, three hundred pennies. Yes, three hundred dollars, Peter Piper. We live in the most expensive state in the country.” 

“It’s a used bookstore, Mr. Stark.”  

“The word used isn’t in my vocabulary.” 

Peter snorts just as the waitress sets down their plates. The teenager falls silent, nearly choking in his haste to take the first bite of the BLT set down in front of him. He closes his eyes and sighs happily, ignoring Tony semi-amused look from across the table. Tiny places always taste better. 

He’s nearly done with his avocado toast when he feels it.  

It being something cold slipping down his neck. The hairs on his arm stand up, rising to attention as the air seems to shift around him. Something twists in his stomach, burning his insides like acid. Something… something is wrong.  

Tony notices it almost immediately. “Pete? What’s wrong?”  

He opens his mouth to respond, but all that comes out is dead air. Every impulse buried deep inside of his brain is screaming at him to get away, begging him to protect himself. Protect himself from what? The air gets hotter and hotter until he’s sizzling from the inside.  

A thumb is suddenly rubbing small circles into his wrist. It brings Peter back momentarily, enough to catch a glimpse of Tony’s hand clasped over his own gently, before every other feeling outweighs it. He feels dizzy, Tony’s voice muffled and foggy in the far background. “Hey, hey, buddy, are you having an overload?”  

Tony stands, probably about to make a mad dash for the car to grab Peter’s ear defenders and his sensory sunglasses, but Peter’s senses sharpen at the exact moment the man slides from the booth. Peter gets up just as quick and throws himself at Tony, around the torso. “Wait!” 

They hit the ground just as the windows shatter from the force of the explosion. 

- 

When Peter comes to, he’s sitting up. 

The contradiction makes his head spin. His lips feel stuck shut, so he breathes stuffy air in through his nostrils as he attempts to move. Peter realizes, quickly, that his arms are pinned firmly behind his back, feet planted in front of him but flat and unmovable.  

“He’s awake.” There’s a gruff voice near his ear, grating against his sensitive hearing. Peter feels himself wince as broad, rough fingers grab his face and force it left, squeezing his jaw. He doesn’t open his eyes as hot, rancid breath blows in his face.  

“It’s your fault if he punches you out.” Tony’s familiar voice is across the room, too far for comfort. “He’s cranky when you wake him up.” 

[arttheclown]

paragraphs of bad mental health stuff under the cut don’t mind me 💀

i love finishing school and realizing i truly need to begin adulthood and focusing on things like building a writing CV and getting my driver’s license and most importantly breaking away from my severely controlling & emotionally abusive mother and then just. every bad fucking thing from the last 10 years hitting me in the face lol. my father’s deterioration and death and a really violent incident with him i don’t like to talk about. a lifetime of my mother micromanaging nearly everything i do, abusing me, gaslighting me, and refusing to let me grow up to this day. a string of abusive and manipulative codependent friendships that ended in ugly and sometimes public falling-outs. my grandpa dying in march and my grandma having to live on her own now. having to see my sister go through a lot of the same shit that i have and desperately hoping she can be helped in time so she’s not 2 years away from being 30 and just falling the fuck apart lol

i’ve spent so many years saying i’m fine and i’ll get over it and move through it but everything has gone still right now. i can’t run anymore. i physically cannot lie and downplay things and say i’m fine anymore. i am unable. i have become a people-pleaser to the point where doing things purely for myself — sometimes knowing i’m the one who gets more out of it than anyone else — is a foreign concept to me. i cannot do things anymore if i feel i’m mostly doing them to just please someone else because then i start panicking & i know that’s progress but god!!! it feels like shit!!! these growing pains hurt so bad!!! and then i start agonizing over potentially disappointing people and uugghuhh i don’t like it. i don’t like it at all.

i want to do things but everything feels so fucking terrifying right now. realizing the extent that i’ve been traumatized is miserable and i don’t even like admitting it because then i feel like i’m lying or trying to get attention. i don’t know if i have fucking ptsd because that’s such a severe disorder but at the very least i’m going through a period where even little things petrify me & sometimes just getting through a day feels like an accomplishment. i love food and i’ve been agonizing over making sure i’m nourished properly on top of dealing with selective eating that i’m almost positive is because of my autism. i am a small person — if i lose any more weight i will get sick and that frightens me. and i’m painfully aware that the reason this is probably happening in the first place is because i am so used to worrying about SOMETHING that my mind can’t accept peace and is now inventing issues and it sucks. this isn’t a new issue for me but it sucks. it feels like hypervigilance or something. idk.

i kept hoping that maybe i would bounce back on my own like i’ve done in the past and maybe i can but i don’t know if i’m able to waiting and how many pep talks i can keep giving myself, nor do i want to constantly rely on others for comfort. i’m fortunate enough that i live in a part of the world where i don’t have to pay for doctor’s appointments so i might just go and see if mine can get me some help because 🥴 i don’t know how many bad weeks i am capable of having right now! i’m gonna be honest!

it’s going to suck likely paying for therapy. it’s going to suck potentially finding a new therapist if it turns out i’m uncomfortable with the one i’ve had since childhood because don’t get me wrong he’s a nice man but i don’t know if he even recognizes i’m autistic on top of other things lol. i really do not want to end up on anxiety medication or antidepressants and want to believe self-medicating with weed is enough but i don’t know anymore.

i just needed to write these feelings out somewhere. i can’t silently carry them with me anymore. they’re too heavy. i hope things get even a little easier soon.