#I’m essentially just holding on to my job and my mental health and that’s taking up all my energy

[cuteshinymew]

Update on my going MiA

Hello everyone, and especially my online friends

I disappeared from the internet a little over a month ago. I have a pretty bad burnout, which I didn’t fully realize at the time. Partially because I was too busy and overwhelmed to notice, partially because I was heavily in denial. Deep down I already knew I needed a break, but I was in denial because I thought it wasn’t that bad and I didn’t want to miss everyone. After I went offline, it hit me how bad my mental health had gotten.

I was almost at 12 when I left, but I was too stubborn to take the break I needed. When I finally did, I realized how bad it was… I’m glad I avoided hitting that 12 and now I’m at 11 and slowly going back to 10 (no substance abuse though). If I had hit that 12, It wouldn’t have ended well with my job and I would’ve probably done more damage to my life and self esteem. I’m gonna be careful with myself now and take care of myself. I hope you guys do the same, I’m trying not to worry about you and I don’t want you guys to worry about me. I’ll be fine, even if it’s gonna take a long time.

So… TL;DR: my mental health went downhill fast, it stopped going downhill but isn’t going uphill yet either, overall I’m gonna be fine, please take care of yourself, I’m logging off again.

[kwanisms]

🎄 Tales from Camp Holiday Special 04 🎄

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➮ bartender!Jeonghan × fem!Reader wc: 8.1k summary: Jeonghan is at work when someone sits down at his bar on December 24th and turns around to find none other than Y/N sitting before him. genres/themes/au: angst (just at the beginning, I promise), fluff, smut; holiday themes; non idol au, bartender au warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, alcohol consumption, mentions of mental health issues and traumatic past events, sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut! taglist: @yoonguurt @wonw00t @aikisbbq @enhacolor @duchesskaren @sherituhhh @wonderfulshinee @gaebestie @drunk-on-dk @seokgyuu @salty-for-suga @aaniag @dnylwoo join my taglists: main | TFC: Holiday Special closes when part 7 goes up! Strikethrough means I cannot tag you. MINORS WILL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. AGELESS BLOGS WILL ALSO BE BLOCKED.

a/n: I think Jeonghan's part was the most gut wrenching for me to write so I'm really excited to write another chance for him and Y/N. A chance for them to start over essentially! Thank you so much for reading! If you like this part, please reblog as it helps spread my stories around! As always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only.

smut warnings: unprotected sex (use protection lol), oral (kinda lol f receiving), fingering (f receiving), dirty talk, dom!Jeonghan, sub!Reader, Jeonghan is pretty pathetic and kind of impatient and he has to hold off from nutting too early 💀 multiple orgasms (f receiving, m receiving), creampie (yum), cumplay, orgasm denial (f receiving), overstimulation (m receiving), sex tape & pictures, and I think that’s all but as usual, if I missed anything, let me know!

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The only thing Jeonghan hated more than his job was his job during the holidays.

Bartending wasn’t the greatest career choice but he did make a decent amount of money and it was only temporary as he finished getting his master’s. He just hated the rush and influx of customers that the holidays always brought. With more customers came more money but it also came with more complaints and more drunken idiocy.

“How was class?” one of his coworkers, Matt,  asked as Jeonghan stepped behind the bar, setting his bag down under the counter. “Exhausting,” Jeonghan replied. “I’m glad the term is over for the holidays.” Jeonghan moved around his coworker and to the terminal to clock in.

“They’re expecting it to be busier tonight,” Matt continued. “Busier than usual?” Jeonghan asked as he turned to look at him. Matt nodded. “The busiest night of the year,” he continued. Jeonghan snorted, shaking his head. “New Year’s Eve would disagree with you.”

Matt let out a chuckle. “According to Jerry, he thinks tonight will be worse than that.” Jeonghan shook his head, glancing over to the door where he saw a line of people waiting to be let in. “He always hopes it’s going to be busier every year,” Jeonghan replied. 

“It’s just wishful thinking.”

An hour later, Jeonghan was mentally cursing himself and wishing he could take his words back as they seemed to have cursed him in his willful denial.

Not only was the club packed but every order that came through the computer was complex with the patrons ordering some of the more complicated menu items. He was partially cursing himself for agreeing to work the night before Christmas Eve shift. He usually had it off to do Holiday stuff in favor of working on Christmas Eve but this year, he agreed to cover Analiese’s shift and she would cover his Christmas Eve one.

It took another couple hours for the flow to die down but Jeonghan was still busy manning the printer, making drinks for all the orders that came through. It was his preferred station, meaning he could just do his work without having to interact much with the customers. Occasionally, he’d have to make a few orders for the patrons at the bar but more often than not, one of the other bartenders would have that covered, allowing Jeonghan to work in peace.

“It’s calmed down a bit,” Matt said as he walked over to use the terminal next to where Jeonghan stood. “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ve had to piss for like two hours. Can you cover the bar for me?” he asked as he started to untie his apron. Jeonghan looked up and nodded. It had been a few minutes since an order came through the printer for him to make.

“Go ahead,” he replied. “I got it.” Matt thanked him and took off, ducking under the open side of the bar and disappearing into the crowd. Jeonghan turned, putting on a fake smile as he greeted the patron closest to him, asking them for their drink order.

Mixing was one of the few skills he’d managed to pick up in his initial round of college; going to house parties and learning which liquors tasted good together as well as the ratios. He honed his skills over a couple years and eventually got his first bartending job at a small hole in the wall. He didn’t get to experiment much with that job as most people ordered wells and beers.

His second bartending job was at an upscale restaurant, mixing drinks like cosmopolitans and manhattans. It allowed him to be a little more creative. It wasn’t until he got to his current job that his creativity really started to flow and he started mixing things together.

Jeonghan finished making a round of drinks for a group of friends gathered around the bar as Matt returned, patting him on the back before grabbing his apron. “Thanks, man,” Matt called over the music as he tied his apron back on and went back to work.

The next couple hours went by as Jeonghan had hoped. The night started getting later, turning into the wee hours of the morning. The club had started to die down, many of the patrons drunkenly stumbling out the front door to find their rides home. Jeonghan was wiping down the counter when he saw movement from the corner of eye.

He glanced up and he was sure his eyes widened comically. His lips parted as he felt his breath suddenly catch. He stood frozen on the spot looking at the person who had just taken a seat at his bar. Someone he hadn’t seen for a long time. Someone he’d just brought up on a camping trip with 12 of his friends. Jeonghan finally found his voice, speaking in a low tone that only two people could hear.

“Y/N?”

You looked back at him, failing to prevent the grin that spread across your face. You hadn’t changed much. You’d matured a bit. You looked much more confident and certain of yourself. You looked incredible. Jeonghan threw a glance at his coworker who was busy making drinks down the bar from him. Jeonghan approached where you sat slowly.

“What’re you doing here?” he asked as he stopped in front of you, holding the towel in both hands tightly. Your smile shifted from amused to sincere in the amount of time it took Jeonghan to blink. “I was in town and decided to drop by one of my favorite places,” you replied. “Although, I didn’t know you worked here,” you added, giving him a once over.

Jeonghan’s cheeks burned. Not from embarrassment exactly. He wasn’t sure why he felt heat spreading across his face and down his neck. What the hell was wrong with him? He was never like this? Was it perhaps because he felt ashamed?

Ashamed of how he left you? Ashamed of never speaking to or seeing you again? Ashamed of leaving you after everything that happened that summer? He couldn’t pick a single reason for feeling this way so he chose to accept all of them at once.

“How long have you worked here?” you asked, pulling his attention from the depths of his thoughts. “Three years,” he answered instantly. “When did you get back in town?” You chuckled softly at his quick response. “Last night,” you answered. Jeonghan noticed Matt starting to approach where he stood and cleared his throat quickly, turning his gaze back on you.

“What can I get you?” he asked, making you look up at him through your lashes. “A Manhattan, please,” you answered, lips threatening to pull into a smirk as you watched Jeonghan get to work, making your drink. He tried not to make too much of a show, making the drink without the flashy movements he normally did to impress patrons and increase his likelihood of getting more tips.

Once he’d finished the drink, he set it on a bar napkin in front of you and watched nervously as you pulled the drink closer. He watched as you picked the glass up and brought it closer to your face, no doubt giving it a sniff before taking a sip and setting it down. “Do you want to open a tab?” Jeonghan asked, quickly beating himself up for his lame question. You shook your head, opening your clutch and pulling out a few bills before handing them to him.

He started to turn away but caught himself when you told him no change, he thanked you, ringing up the drink and cashing it out, putting the change in the tip jar on the back counter by the terminal. He turned back around and started wiping down the counter again, gesturing to Matt to keep his distance.

“So,” he started as you took another sip of your drink. “How long are you in town for?” he asked. You smiled up at him. “A while,” you answered coyly. Jeonghan felt his lips pull into a smirk. “A while, huh?” he asked and you nodded, lifting your glass to take another sip. Jeonghan tried not to watch the way your lips moved or the way you licked them after taking a sip.

“And you’re out this late because…?” he continued, trailing off. “I told you,” you replied. “It’s one of my favorite places.”

The conversation between the two of you continued, briefly interrupted by Jeonghan helping Matt make drinks but the majority of the crowd had disbanded by this point as it was nearing 2 in the morning. The club would be closing soon and for once, Jeonghan found himself wishing for his shift to never end.

He let out what must have been a millionth sigh because you chuckled, looking up at him, chin resting in your hand and your elbow resting on the counter as you stared at him. He’d made a couple more drinks, enjoying your company far too much and watching the way you would pull the cherry garnish off the skewer with just your tongue. He had thought maybe you didn’t realize what you were doing but on the third time, he noticed the way you held his gaze as you did it and he knew you were doing it on purpose.

“Long day?” you asked, tilting your head like a puppy hearing its favorite word. Jeonghan scoffed, shaking his head. “You have no idea. I’m ready to get out of here,” he replied. It was only half true. While his feet did hurt and he was ready to go home, make some ramyeon and enjoy the rest of the night in the comfort of his apartment, he wasn’t quite ready to part ways with you.

“You’ve been at this for a while,” you commented, the smile on your face faltering as you studied his appearance. “The perks of working full time and pursuing a master’s degree,” Jeonghan replied sarcastically. “I live in a state of perpetual exhaustion.”

You reached across the bar, placing your hand over his. “I can tell,” you replied. Jeonghan gave you a tired smile. “Don’t worry,” he replied. “These bags are Gucci,” he added, gesturing to the bags under his eyes from many nights spent doing homework and case work instead of sleeping.

You snorted, pulling your hand away. “Only Gucci?” you asked. “No Chanel?”

It was Jeonghan’s turn to laugh as he shook his head. “Gucci is more affordable,” he replied.

“Oh shut up,” you said with a roll of your eyes. Your smile fell again. “But in all seriousness,” you said softly. “Are you okay?” Jeonghan felt his heart skip a beat, thumping in his chest erratically. “Uh, yeah,” he replied, turning his gaze away. “I’m fine.”

“You just keep sighing,” you explained. “I thought maybe something was bothering you and if so, maybe you’d like to talk about it?” Jeonghan looked back, meeting your curious gaze. “What time are you off?” you asked suddenly, making him almost choke on his own spit.

Before he had a chance to answer, someone else spoke.

“I’m sorry, miss,” Matt suddenly said from beside him, making Jeonghan jump. “Shit, Matt,” he hissed, placing his hand over his chest, feeling his heart pounding. “You nearly scared the life out of me.” Matt chuckled, patting him on the shoulder. “Sorry, man,” he replied before turning to look at you.

“The club’s closing soon.” You nodded with a smile. “Of course,” you replied, picking up your drink and downing the rest of it. Jeonghan turned to Matt, jerking his head as if to say ‘buzz off for a second.’ Matt seemed to understand and walked away to the other end of the bar, leaving Jeonghan to face you alone.

“About what you said before,” he said softly, making you look up as you collected your coat from the back of your barstool. “I really would like to see you while you’re still in town,” he continued, catching you off guard.

“Wow,” you said in faux amazement. “The Yoon Jeonghan wants to see me again?” you asked, making him groan in playful annoyance. “Don’t make a big deal out of it,” he replied, giving you a grin. “I’d like to catch up while I’m not working,” he added. “Okay,” you confirmed with a nod.

“Okay, well what time are you off?” There was that question again.

“You mean tonight?” he asked, looking at you incredulously. You nodded, seemingly unphased.

“Why not? Got plans tomorrow?”

Jeonghan shook his head. “The club’s closed on Christmas,” he explained. “So I’m free all day tomorrow.” You smiled at him warmly. “Then I’ll just wait outside for you?” you asked. Jeonghan’s eyes widened. “It’s probably freezing out there,” he protested. You shook your head.

“Well, I can’t stay in here,” you replied with a chuckle. “I’ll just meet you outside after you get off,” you added, grabbing your clutch only for Jeonghan to reach across the counter and gently take your wrist in his hand. “Wait,” he said quickly. “Let me see if my boss will let you wait in here instead of out in the cold.”

Luckily Jeonghan’s boss was an understanding person and allowed you to stay inside the club as Jeonghan and his co-workers shut down the business. You sat at the bar, watching Jeonghan count his drawer and finish putting in his tips.

“So, where did you have in mind?” he asked suddenly, making you look up from your phone where it sat on the counter, playing a rhythm game. “I thought we could just hit up a pojangmachas around here,” you replied. “Maybe grab some food.” Jeonghan smiled, picking up the money drawer and telling you he’d be right back. He was only gone a few minutes but upon returning, he untied his apron, making sure to take everything from it before stashing it and grabbing his bag from under the counter.

You waited for him to exit the bar, watching as he called a parting to Matt.

Once he joined you at your side, you studied his face at a much closer proximity. “And maybe some soju,” you added, making him look up at you with a confused look on his face. “Soju?” he asked curiously. “Why?” You reached up to run your thumb over the apple of his cheek. It was a simple gesture but one that made his heart skip nonetheless.

“Besides,” you replied, pulling your hand away. “You look like you could use a drink.”

The two of you exited the club, Jeonghan calling goodnight to the bouncers at the doors as he passed. Outside, the temperature had dropped tremendously, a wet sort of chill in the air, one that made his sinuses almost burn from the intensity of the cold. It didn’t take long for the two of you to find a mostly street lined with various food stalls. Most of the stalls had closed up shop as it was now almost 3 in the morning. The only stalls left open were the pojangmachas, covered stalls.

You led Jeonghan over to one of the larger ones, thanking him when he pulled back one of the tent flaps and followed you in.

Inside the tent was much warmer than outside with multiple industrial space heaters placed inside. There were a couple folding tables with folding chairs as well as a cart where a middle-aged woman sat on a bar height chair with a thick cushion. She was reading from some kind of magazine as you approached.

She glanced up at the two of you briefly. “Go ahead and sit down and someone will come by to take your order.” Although her tone was polite, she said it with an air of indifference that screamed ‘I couldn’t care less if you complain.’

You did as she instructed, moving to one of the tables by a space heater and setting your clutch on the table. Jeonghan set his bag on one of the chairs and shrugged off his coat, his eyes moving towards you at the same time. He’d only just noticed what you were wearing and had half a mind to cover you up with his coat.

You were wearing clothes typical of clubbing; high strappy black platform pumps, a fitted silver dress with ruching on the sides and a halter neckline. The back of the dress was open, showing off more skin than Jeonghan thought comfortable, especially in colder temperatures.

You hung your coat on the back of your chair, moving to take a seat. As soon as your butt hit the chair, Jeonghan stood over you, placing his long coat on your lap. “Just in case,” he murmured before taking a seat beside you in an attempt to shield you further from prying eyes.

“What a gentleman,” you replied jokingly. Jeonghan rolled his eyes despite his cheeks starting to heat up again. He didn’t even have time to quip back with some witty comeback before a man with a bored look on his face approached the table.

“What can I get you?”

You glanced at the small menu in Jeonghan’s hands. “Some eomukguk,” you said, glancing up at the man. “And kimbap. What about you?” you asked, looking up at him. Jeonghan let his eyes wander the menu before looking up. “Kimchi-bokkeumbap, please. And some soju,” he replied, looking up at the man who nodded and walked away.

You took the menu from him to look over it closer, allowing Jeonghan the freedom to do with his hands as he pleased. He opted for resting them on the surface of the table, lightly drumming his thumbs on the hard plastic to a beat in his head.

Silence washed over the two of you making Jeonghan want to curl up and hide. He’d never felt so awkward in all his life. “Huh.” he heard you chirp in something akin to mild amusement and curiosity. “Hmm?” he hummed in response, looking at the menu when you showed it to him.

“They have dakkochi with cheese,” you whined, showing him the menu. Jeonghan chuckled as the man returned with a bottle of soju and two glasses. He brought two large bottles of water, setting everything on the table. Jeonghan caught him before he walked away. “Could I add to our order?” he asked to which the man nodded wordlessly.

“Could we get some dakkochi with cheese please?”

The man nodded once more, without speaking, and walked away. Jeonghan turned to find your gaze on him already, your expression unreadable as you studied him. “What?” he asked as he picked up one of the bottles and moved it close to you before opening his. You shook your head, looking down at the bottle and opening it to take a sip.

Jeonghan grabbed the bottle of soju, turning the label to read it before nodding his head.

He offered to pour your shot first and after twisting the cap off, he filled it to the brim, making you grimace. You glanced at him as he poured his own shot, not filling it nearly as much. “You did that on purpose,” you muttered, making him look up an expression of feigned innocence on his face.

“Did what?” he asked. You gestured at your shot glass. “There’s no way I can pick that up without spilling it,” you murmured, noticing the mischievous glint in his eye. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he replied, picking up his shot glass and waiting for you to follow.

With a sigh and a roll of your eyes, you very carefully picked up the shot glass. “Bottoms up,” he said before downing the shot with ease. You had a harder time, needing to move carefully so as not to spill any alcohol on you or his coat that was still on your lap.

You managed to swallow all of it, only spilling a tiny bit onto your hand which you quickly licked off and set your glass down. Jeonghan had noticed you licking the alcohol off your hand and his thoughts were suddenly consumed with images of your tongue running along the underside of his--

His thoughts were interrupted as the man returned, carrying the food you both ordered, setting it down on the table and asking if you needed anything else. Jeonghan shook his head, thanking the man who merely nodded and walked away. You smiled at the steaming bowl of eomukguk and immediately reached for a skewer.

Jeonghan started stirring his bokkeumbap, glancing over at your bowl before grabbing one of the small plates and spooning some of the rice onto it. He set it back down in front of you without a word and immediately dug into the dish. Your cheeks burned at the show of affection and thanked him softly.

The two of you ate mostly in silence, sipping on water and downing shots. The first bottle of soju went quickly and another one was brought to your table without you even needing to ask. You were happily munching on your chicken skewers when Jeonghan spoke.

“I never got the chance to apologize,” he started. You looked up at him. “It’s okay,” you replied after swallowing. “No, it’s not okay,” Jeonghan replied, looking back up at you. It was hard to miss the pain in his eyes. He must have held onto the hurt he felt he caused you all those years ago.

You reached across the table just like back in the club to place your hand over his.

“Really, Jeonghan,” you said, saying his name for the first time tonight. It sounded just as heavenly now as it did back then. “I’m okay. At first, yeah, I was upset,” you explained. “But I didn’t stew in it. I picked myself back up and I moved on. And sure, maybe I cried over it a few times but at the end of the day, we both knew that whatever was going on would end. We were young,” you continued.

Hearing the fact that you cried over him, over what he did, made his stomach sink. He moved his hand out from under yours and placed it on top. “I am so sorry,” he started but you shook your head. “It’s in the past,” you reminded him. “Stop living in the past. Focus on what’s happening now.”

Jeonghan met your gaze, your eyes flitted between his, looking back and forth as if searching for something specific in them. Something you hoped to see. Without speaking, Jeonghan raised his hand from the table, cupping your face and sliding his thumb over your cheek.

His heart nearly melted as you leaned into his touch. You were both startled out of your bubble by one of the men at the other table sneezing. It made you jump and Jeonghan pulled his hand back quickly, as if he’d been burned. He coughed a couple times before taking a drink of water.

And as you expected, he changed the subject.

“So, you didn’t tell me exactly how long you plan on staying in town,” he said quietly, glancing up at you.

You looked back at him, swallowing your food before speaking. “Just a while,” you replied. You gestured at the bottle of soju, silently asking if he wanted another shot. He shook his head. “What does that mean?” he asked. “What does a while mean?”

“I dunno,” you said with a shrug. “It means a while?” you added, glancing over at the only other occupied table, making sure they weren’t paying attention before grabbing the bottle of soju and pouring yourself a shot, shushing Jeonghan when he pretended to gasp. You quickly set the bottle down and reached over to slap his arm.

He raised his hand, pretended as if he’d been shot and made a face of extreme pain. You threatened to hit him again, cursing under your breath as he started to whine. You glanced over to see one of the older men at the other table look over his shoulder at you. You bowed your head in a silent apology before looking at Jeonghan who just smiled, laughing maniacally to himself.

“You’re such a menace,” you whispered. Jeonghan swallowed a gulp of water before fixing you with a perplexed stare. “I’m a menace?” he asked. “Look at you,” he added, gesturing at you. You glanced down and back up, shrugging and shaking your head as if to say ‘and?’

Jeonghan scooped up some more bokkeumbap, eyes moving back to meet yours as he opened his mouth slowly and took the bite. You looked away as he made a completely innocent thing mildly suggestive. “See?” you hissed. “Menace!”

Jeonghan covered his mouth as he chuckled before swallowing. “I just like to see you squirm,” he replied softly. “But really,” he continued. “You’re calling me a menace when you’re looking like that?” he asked, glancing up again. You met his gaze, heart skipping. ‘Was he… slut shaming you?’

“Don’t get me wrong,” he started, as if reading your mind. “You look incredible,” he added. “But god does seeing you like that make me want to do things to you.”

You weren’t sure if you were meant to hear the last part and upon glancing at him and finding him staring at you with a smirk on his face, you knew he meant for you to hear him. How did he expect you to respond to such a sexual remark? And more importantly, how did you want to respond?

The heat pooling in your belly spurred your decision to egg him on. See where he would take this.

“Oh yeah?” you asked softly, looking up through your lashes at him. “Like what?”

The smirk on Jeonghan’s face only faltered for a moment before growing. “Shall I tell you?” he asked, leaning forward as he propped his elbow on the table, resting his chin in his hand. He had a sort of dazed smile on his face as he stared at you with those dark eyes.

“Or should I just show you?”

╾───────────────────⭒✧⭒──────────────────╼

How you managed to keep your hands to yourself in the taxi ride back to Jeonghan’s apartment was beyond you. As soon as the elevator doors shut, he was on you in a split second, pinning you against the metal wall of the elevator, hands on your hips as his lips moved fervently against yours.

The doors dinged, announcing the arrival to his floor and Jeonghan all but dragged you out of the lift, steering you down the hall to the door to his apartment. He fumbled with the key, unlocking it after a couple tries, only for you to pull him in, shutting the door behind you.

You stood in front of the door, lips locked, tongues battling for dominance as his hands roamed your body and yours grabbed the lapel of his black wool coat. “Wait,” he murmured, pulling back to look at you, pupils dilated even in the dark room.

“I can’t let this go on without your consent,” he murmured, lips ghosting along your jaw and down the side of your neck. “I’m here, aren’t I?” you asked softly. Jeonghan shook his head, straightening up to stare you down yet again. “No,” he replied.

“I mean, yes. Yes you are here. But I need to hear you say it.”

You rolled your eyes before pulling him closer, lips brushing against his and making him pout when you didn’t kiss him. “I want this,” you muttered, brushing your lips against his again, making him chase your mouth, desperate enough for your kiss that he whined.

“I want you, Yoon Jeonghan.”

Your words had a profound effect on him and he groaned, backing you into the wall beside the front door.

“I’m sorry,” you heard him murmur, his body pressing you against the wall. “I’m so, so sorry.” You shook your head, tugging on his hair to make him pull back and look at you. “Don’t,” you said softly. “Don’t apologize. It doesn’t matter anymore,” you continued, looking up at him with glossy eyes. “You’re here now.” Jeonghan groaned, leaning back in, his lips crashing against yours.

You let out a groan as his hands moved down your body, fumbling to undo your coat. “I’m here,” he repeated, words muffled by your lips. “And I’m not going anywhere.” You shook your head as he failed to unbutton your coat. “Neither am I,” you replied.

Your hands replaced his, undoing the buttons one by one before you shrugged the coat off, letting it fall to the floor, leaving you in just the silver backless dress. Jeonghan grabbed your hips, spinning you away and pushing you against the wall, his hips pressing into your backside.

He slowly started to pull at the tie at the back of your neck, savoring the reactions your body gave him. He paused, lowering his head to press his lips against your shoulder, lips parting as he let his tongue glide over your skin before sinking his teeth into you.

You let out an almost pornographic moan as he bit you, spurring on the rolling of his hips against your ass as he rutted against you. His fingers made quickly work of your halter, untying it before his hands slid down your back to grab your hips, the material of your dress bunching under his hands.

He spun you back around to face him before his hands moved up to where you held the dress up to cover your chest. “Don’t hide from me,” he murmured, leaning in to kiss you, his hands moving to yours and pulling them away. The top of your dress tumbled down, stopping at your waist.

His hands moved up, cupping your now exposed breast, sighing as you arched your back into his touch, your hands tangling in his dark locks. Jeonghan’s hands moved back down, pushing your dress further down as he littered kisses all over your neck and collar.

You allowed the item to fall to the floor, stepping out of it as Jeonghan pulled you from the wall. Your hands slid down his chest, working to undo his slacks and push them down, stumbling over a forgotten shoe and giggling as Jeonghan grabbed your waist to steady you.

“Careful,” he hissed as you stood up straight. “I really don’t want to spend Christmas in the ER.” You leaned into him, pulling him into a kiss. “I’ll be careful,” you promised as you leaned against the back of the couch. You grabbed his shirt, pulling it up over his head and dropping it to the floor to admire his lean body. “You’ve been working out,” you noted as his hands tugged at your shirt, pulling it up over your head as well.

“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other,” he reminded you. “I’ve been going to the gym for a while.” You giggled as he pulled you up into him, kissing you as his hands settled on your hips. “I don’t think we’re going to make it to the bedroom,” he murmured in between kisses. You shook your head.

“No,” you replied. “We’re not.”

You giggled as Jeonghan leaned forward, making you both tumble over the arm of the couch, him landing on top of you. “You didn’t think this through, did you?” you asked as you tried to scoot under him. He shook his head before pressing his lips against yours.

“When did I ever think anything through?” he asked with a smirk before sliding off you and the couch, moving to kneel in front of it. “Sit up,” he instructed. You scrambled to sit up, giggling as he grabbed your hips, pulling you to the edge of the couch. “Don’t tease,” you whined as he kissed up your stomach slowly.

“I’m not,” he pouted before his hands moved back up to your chest, settling under your breast as he searched your face for any sign of apprehension. When he saw none, he continued. A loud clunk made your head whip around in the direction it came from.

“Eyes on me, angel,” you heard Jeonghan say softly, taking your chin in his hand and turning your head to meet his burning gaze.

“Good girl,” he murmured. You opened your mouth to retort but let out a soft sigh as you felt his tongue lave over your nipple. His hands still on your hips as he nipped at and teased the bud. Your back arched, pressing your chest further against his face making him chuckle against your skin.

You felt one of his hands run up your back as the other stayed on your hip. “Not so mouthy now, are you?” you heard him murmur and looked down to meet his gaze once again. “No but you sure are,” you retorted, making him laugh as he pushed you back. His hands slid down your hips to your thighs, pulling your panties with them.

You lifted your feet as he pulled them off entirely and tossed them aside, hands moving under your hips to pull you closer to his face. “It’s been a while,” he admitted, glancing up at you as you reached down to comb your fingers through his dark tresses. “You never did this before,” you replied. “Not for me, anyway.” Jeonghan cocked his head. “You sure about that?” he asked and you nodded.

“I went down on you,” you reminded him. Jeonghan shrugged, grip tightening as he leaned in. Without another word, you felt his tongue lick slowly and glanced down at him, finding him already looking at you with hooded eyes. “Holy shit,” you gasped, the sight of him alone making your walls clench around nothing.

Jeonghan chuckled more to himself as he broke eye contact to look down at your heat. “Doesn’t take much, does it?” he asked, referencing your already leaking slit. “I barely touch you and your body is ready for something to fill it,” he added, one of his hands moving, fingers tracing around your entrance.

He looked back up, meeting your gaze as he slowly sank his fingers inside you, burying them to the hilt as his lips parted. “So tight,” he muttered, looking back down as he pulled his fingers slowly until just the tips remained. He gingerly pushed them back in, watching as your walls sucked them in.

“So warm,” he added. You groaned as you felt them curl inside you, brushing against the soft spongy spot that had your toes curling. “So wet for me,” he added with a hint of amusement to his voice. Even years later, he was still teasing you the way only he could.

His pace was slow, too slow to build any tension but just enough to give you some friction. He could do this for hours and you knew he could. Even if your previous encounter had been nothing but rushed and the very definition of a quickie.

It was amazing he still managed to tease you like this, working you up so well years later.

Like no time had passed and he was a skilled and practiced lover.

“Shit,” you gasped as Jeonghan’s fingers plunged deeper into your heat. “Don’t stop,” you gasped, your hand in his hair gripping tighter. You wanted to move his face closer, wanting to feel his tongue on you but he held back, reaching up instead to grab your hand and remove it.

“I’d love nothing more than to taste you,” he started. “But ever since you sat at my bar, I’ve wanted to fill this sweet pussy with my cock more.” You groaned as he pulled his fingers from your cunt, leaving you clenching around nothing with a whine.

“You want to be on top or you want me on top?” he asked as he wiped his fingers on the blanket that had fallen to the floor with a mental note to throw that in the washer tomorrow morning.

“Surprise me,” you said with a smirk.

The moment the words left your lips, you regretted them. Jeonghan had you pinned down against the cushions as he guided the head of his cock to your entrance. “Shit,” he cursed, hesitating. “I don’t have a condom on me,” he murmured. “They’re in the bedroom. I could go get one--”

You took his chin in your hand. “Are you clean?” you asked, looking into his eyes. He nodded fervently before asking you the same. You nodded, letting go of his face. “And I’m on the pill. Just do it. Before we lose the moment,” you replied.

Jeonghan said nothing, instead pushing into you, a deep groan leaving his lips as he slid in easily. You let out a whimper, head falling back against the cushion as his cock slowly stretched and filled your walls. The stretch was more than you remembered but it wasn’t painful.

When Jeonghan stopped moving, you heard him whisper a string of curses.

“When I said you were tight, I didn’t realize you were this tight,” he hissed. You hiked your leg higher, allowing him to sink deeper, making him shut up with a moan as his head fell into the crook of your neck. “Shit, okay,” he breathed, his breath hot against your skin, a thin layer of sweat starting to form.

“Can you move already?” you whined, trying to shift your hips but he put his weight down on you. “I’m trying not to cum, stop moving!” he hissed. You whined, body going still under him as you waited for him to regain his composure.

Watching the way his brow furrowed as he held off his own orgasm was kind of cute in a way. You took in the way his hair fell around his face, the ends with a slight curl. The long hair was growing on you.

“Alright,” he finally said, raising his head, sweat beading on his forehead. “I think I’m good.”

You opened your lips to respond but your words faltered as he pulled back and thrust sharply into you, making you gasp as your walls gripped him tightly. “If you keep doing that, I’m not gonna last,” Jeonghan groaned, hips stalling. “We’ve barely even started,” you whined, moving a hand up to brush his hair back.

“I underestimated you,” you heard him whisper as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. “Feels too good,” he added, his breath hot against your skin. “Jeonghan,” you whined impatiently. He groaned as he raised his head. “Fine, fine,” he murmured, pulling out to thrust back slowly, setting a steady pace.

“Fucking hell, Y/N,” he growled. You felt his fingers dig into your thigh, hiking your let up around his waist as he leaned deeper into his thrusts, the sound of skin against skin starting to fill the room. A thin layer of sweat started to cover your body, feeling equal parts sticky and wet.

Jeonghan pulled back to look down at you, his free hand moving to your face. “Don’t hold back,” he muttered, freeing your bottom lip from between your teeth as you had been holding back your moans. “There’s no one around to catch us this time,” he added with a smirk.

You let go, letting out a loud moan as you felt the head of his cock bump the soft spot inside your cunt. “Oh god,” you gasped, one hand moving to grab his arm, squeezing his bicep. Jeonghan took note of your facial expression and the fluttering of your walls and angled his thrusts, aiming for the same spot again and smirking wider as you gasped out again

“Right there, yeah?” he asked, his voice breathless. “Y-yeah,” you mewled, back arching as he hit the same spot repeatedly. “M’gonna cum if you keep doing that,” you whimpered, thighs squeezing his waist. Jeonghan surprised you by stopping completely, your orgasm ebbing away like the tide.

“What the fuck, Jeonghan?” you hissed as he pulled out of you completely. You tried to prop yourself up but squealed as he grabbed your arm, pulling you up and pushing you onto your stomach over the arm of the couch. You had no time to ask what he was up to when you felt him reenter you from behind, setting into a heavy and relentless pace immediately.

Your breath was knocked out of you with each powerful thrust, mewls and moans tumbling from your lips. “Oh, fuck, d-don’t stop,” you moaned, lips parted. Jeonghan growled, wrapping an arm around your chest and pulling your back against his chest.

“I should have had you like this before,” he whispered in your ear. “In my cabin. Not in some half rundown boathouse.” You let out a squeal as you felt Jeonghan’s cock plunge deeper into your cunt. “I shouldn’t have just left--”

“Stop,” you gasped. Jeonghan’s hips slowed. “No, don’t stop that,” you replied quickly. “I meant, stop talking about that.” You let out a moan as he resumed his merciless pace. “Right. We can talk later,” he groaned. “For now…” he trailed off, free hand slipping down between your thighs, fingers finding your clit with ease.

“I want you to cum,” he whispered in your ear. “Cum for me and then I’ll fill you up.”

Your walls clenched around him, your orgasm approaching as he drew you closer and closer with each thrust. “That’s it, come on,” he muttered. “Let go, angel.”

You let out a whine, feeling his hips stutter as you came, walls gripping him tightly. “Fuck, that’s right. Keep going,” he murmured, continuing to fuck you through your climax. “Good girl,” he said softly. You felt his grip relax, sighing in relief as he carefully set you back against the armrest, taking one of your arms and pinning it behind your back.

“Hold on tight,” he continued, his free hand gripping your hip, fingers digging into your flesh.

You didn’t get a word out before he started pounding into you, cries falling from your lips with each drag of his cock against your walls. “Fuck,” he hissed. You felt his cock twitch inside you, his own release drawing closer. “M’not gonna last,” he moaned, his grip on your arm tightening as he held you in place.

“Don’t stop,” you gasped, using your free hand to push yourself back against his thrusts. “Come on,” you continued. “Fucking cum.” Jeonghan let out a growl. “You want me to cum?” he asked. “Want me to cum inside you, claim this pussy as mine?” You nodded fervently. “Yes,” you replied. “Give it to me, please. Want it so bad!”

Your words seemed to do the trick, pushing Jeonghan over the edge as he came with a groan, hips coming to a halt as he buried his cock inside you, releasing deep into your cunt. “Shit!” he hissed. You pushed back, fucking yourself on his cock as he continued to pump you full of his cum.

“Shit, Y/N, stop,” he stammered, body twitching. “Fuck, babe, stop,” he repeated, letting go of your arm and holding your hips still. “Sorry,” you whimpered. “Felt too good.”

Jeonghan let out a breathless chuckle before leaning over your back, pressing a remarkably gentle kiss against your shoulder before pulling back and watching as he pulled his cock free. He leaned back to get a better look, almost smirking deviously as some of his cum started to spill out of you.

“Can I take a picture?” he asked suddenly, making your head snap up. “What?” you asked, looking back over your shoulder at him. “It’s just for me,” he added. “I want to remember this,” he continued, nodding down at your cunt. You contemplated it for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, go ahead.”

You felt him scramble off the couch, walking over to where his pants lay on the floor and pulled the device from his pocket, moving back behind you to presumably take a couple pictures.

You felt his hand on your ass, his thumb spreading your lips before his fingers moved, pushing into your cunt, making you groan. “What’re you doing?” you asked. “Pushing it back in,” he replied. “Some of it spilled out.”

You glanced back, seeing his phone still in his hand. “Are you filming this?” you asked softly and he nodded, tapping on the screen before setting his phone on the coffee table. “Sorry,” he added. “I couldn’t resist.” You caught an eyeful of his cock, standing proudly again.

“You wanna fuck it back into me?” you asked, making him look up to meet your gaze.

“Can I?” he asked, to which you nodded.

“Sure,” you replied. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere any time soon.”

You weren’t sure how you managed to go another two rounds with Jeonghan, each time ending with him filling you with even more of his cum but finally, he tapped out after moving to the bedroom to continue. You chose to hop in the shower, knowing his cum would slip out while you slept.

After cleaning up, you joined him back in bed and passed out.

The next morning, Jeonghan awoke to sunlight pouring into his room through the blinds and blinked himself awake. He rolled over, hand reaching for you but found the space you’d previously occupied empty. His heart skipped a beat, pounding in his chest as he sat up quickly, looking around.

‘Oh no,’ he thought as he scrambled out of bed, throwing off the covers. He was grabbing a clean pair of sweats when the smell of eggs met his nose. He pulled on his pants and walked over to the door that stood slightly ajar, pulling it open and stepping into the hall.

He padded down the hallway and into the living area where he found you, wearing one of his old oversized shirts as you stood at the counter. “Morning,” you said with a smile as you cooked. Jeonghan’s lips pulled into a crooked smile as he moved to sit at the kitchen island, watching you work.

“Why are you smiling at me like that?” you asked as you stirred the contents of the skillet. Jeonghan shook his head, resting his chin in his hand as he watched you. “Nothing,” he murmured. “I could just get used to this.”

“Used to this? What, me cooking?” you asked with a snort. Jeonghan nodded. “And seeing you in my clothes,” he added with a chuckle. You rolled your eyes as you started to plate the food. Jeonghan heard the sound of a key in the lock and internally panicked. You looked up at him with wide eyes.

“I thought you lived alone,” you said as he turned towards the door and watched in horror as the door opened and Seungcheol entered, dropping his bag by the door as he looked up at Jeonghan, excitement on his face. “You’re never going to guess what happened to me last night,” he said as he walked forward.

“We got drinks and then- oh!” Seungcheol started, pausing when he caught sight of you in the kitchen in Jeonghan’s shirt. “Hello!” he added, glancing between you and Jeonghan. “Who is this?” he asked, looking at Jeonghan whose cheeks started to grow warm. He’d been caught, metaphorically, with his pants down and now he was going to have to come clean to his best friend and roommate.

“This,” Jeonghan started, glancing at you and then back at his best friend. “Is Y/N.”

Seungcheol smiled, looking at you before the realization dawned on him and his eyes widened comically. “Oh! Y/N?” he asked, turning to Jeonghan. “Like… the Y/N?” Jeonghan glanced quickly at you, noticing your furrowed brows. “The Y/N?” you asked softly.

Jeonghan forced an awkward smile, turning to you. “How would you like to eat breakfast in bed?” he asked with a pointed look. You glanced between him and Seungcheol. ���O-okay,” you said, looking every bit as confused as you sounded. Jeonghan motioned for you to pick up the plates, saying he would follow shortly.

He turned to Seungcheol as you headed for his room.

“Don’t touch the blanket or the couch,” he said quickly. “I have some cleaning to do,” he added, starting for his room before stopping to look back at Seungcheol who made a face of disgust as he looked at the couch. “We’ll talk later,” Jeonghan added, pointing at Seungcheol who nodded.

Back in his room, Jeonghan shut the door and moved to sit beside you on the bed.

“Sorry about that,” he murmured as he took a plate from you and started to dig in, complimenting your cooking skills. You thanked him as you finished your bite and swallowed. “So,” you started, gathering more eggs on your fork. Jeonghan looked up to meet your gaze, a smug smirk on your face.

“The Y/N?” you asked, a hint of amusement in your voice. 

“Just how many people have you told about me?”

ⓘ Graphics made by me. Content and support banners made using a template by cafekitsune. I do not allow reposts, translations, or continuations of my works. All writing and graphics are ©️ kwanisms.

[teine-mallaichte]

Hey, thought it was probably worth making an intro post.

So... I'm a wannabe writer who only started sharing my work in 2023, so I'm still kind of figuring out the world of online fandoms.

Writing Master List

Fandom wise I mainly write One Piece and Dragon Age stuff. Mainly ZoSan and Fenders to be honest. Which as a point are two wildly different fandom experiences 🤣

However, I am also currently branching out into original characters/fiction - mainly living weapon type stuff to be honest.

What I Like to Write About:

Character Studies and Internal Monologues: I enjoy attempting to delve into a character's mind, having them wrestle with their own demons or dilemmas.

World Building: I love world building, in fact I think I may prefer world building to writing actual narratives... But I can't exactly just share world building - at least I don't think I can...

Canon Divergence and "What If" Scenarios: I think these may be my favourite "tropes" to write, though I am getting into AUs recently.

Types of whump/angst I enjoy:

Living weapon

Hiding injury/illness

Altered consciousness

Environmental whump

Manipulation

Guilded Cage

Psychological whump

Whmperless whump

What I don't write:

I don't really write smut, I've tried and I just can't do it... I might try occasionally but, well don't hold your breath.

I hate writing fluff and comfort, but I do try to do so.

About Me:

Day Job: I'm a personal trainer & run coach, who specialises with marathon runners.

Peer Support Worker: I also work in peer support working with people who have experiences of self-harm and eating disorders. (I’m recovered from self-harm and bulimia myself.) I have also done a lot of work with people who have experience of abuse, and have my own history of PTSD.

Hobbies: I have done kendo for 16 years, akiedo for 6 months, and HEMA for a year. I also run.

Mental Health: I have schizoaffective disorder, which means I experience periods of psychosis, mania, and depression. Even when I'm stable, I have auditory hallucinations, my main voice is called Nigel and is essentially my constant irritating companion.

I am very open about my mental health, I've written several blogs under a pen name for charities in the past and often give talks locally about my experiences. So if anyone has questions go for it, if any writers want any info about what it's like to experience hallucinations or mania or whatever also just ask, seriously I'm basically impossible to offend.

I often incorporate elements of my own mental health experiences into my writing. It's the whole "write what you know" thing. After having to drop out of studying post-grad medicine at 22 (after fortunately at least completing my bio-med degree) due to my mental illness, sometimes it does feel like mental illness is "all the know" 😅

I'm back at uni now as a mature student, but studying psychology... So in a way this is still "all I know."

So that's a bit about me!

I take part in DADWC each Friday taking prompts from here.

I'm good with taking prompts at any time, from prompt lists (include the full prmpt and list in the ask) or just whatever prompt you feel like sending.

Most of my longer pieces are on AO3 here.

[ghostcasket]

living on your own is hard, you know? especially in the beginning, especially when you’re a student, especially when you have mental health issues, especially when you also have chronic physical health issues. it’s hard and if you’re like me living in a studio, like, actually by yourself, nobody around to hold you accountable—or to gently remind you, hey, you haven’t eaten in a while.

and while for most of us, moving out is an overwhelming gust of relief, i think it’s just as important to acknowledge that sometimes, it’s hard.

if you have barely managed adhd like me, and sometimes the bare minimum of self care seems unattainable—well, you’re on your own. it’s easy to let yourself slip into unhealthy patterns and neglect yourself.

but then, here are some ways my cat pulled me out before i could slip too far.

there are 2 constants i can always count on, day in day out, no matter how chaotic or disorganised i am, how out of routine; his feeding times. morning and evening, he has to have food. this little creature is everything to me. it’s my job to keep him safe and happy and healthy.

and then, as i pour kibble into his little bowl, i might remember i also haven’t eaten in a—wow, it’s seven p.m. already—so while i’m up, i might as well throw some leftovers in the microwave or grab a slice or 2 of dry bread. i’m in the kitchen anyway. giacomo absolutely scarfs down his dinner and i watch him.

he’s a kitten, still. he wants to play all of the time and when he doesn’t he’s sleeping but oh my god he loves my feet. he’s bitey. i absolutely cannot get too lost in my own head when he wants to play. i have to be careful to emerge with all of my fingers still attached to my hand. fucking ow, dude, what’s wrong with you.

his litterbox needs to be maintained regularly, too. i can’t let it get disgusting because a clean littlerbox makes for a happy cat, so i have my little poop baggies that i deposit by the door and then when i go to school i can take them down to the trash, but if i’m going to the trash anyway i might as well grab my own human trash too and throw that out as well, and then that’s one more task crossed off the list.

speaking of litter—that shit runs out fast. i don’t know how big you guys’ bags of cat litter are, but i can get around 3 uses out of a 10L bag, and then i have to go to the store to buy more. and, you know, i’m at the store anyway, so i may as well grab some essentials that i know i’ve run out of—pasta, tomatoes, cream cheese, bread—and then i have enough to eat for the next few days again. and i’m outside, too, at least while i walk to the store, which is a 2 minute walk and that’s doable even on a bad day, and 2 minutes outside is better than no minutes outside.

my little man needs to be safe and happy and healthy. i have to be at least some degree of functional to be able to provide that for him. and as thanks, he bites my toes and jumps at me in the face and shoves his cold little wet nose in my ears like they hide forbidden kitty treats and whines until i cuddle him and climbs in my lap and naps there, purring so loud i can feel it reverberate in my whole body.

and it’s just, he needs me, you know? so i have to be at least a little bit okay. and because he doesn’t allow me to actually deeply spiral into the throes of depression et al, it’s easier to pull myself out again.

i wasn’t sure for a while if he’d be allowed to move in with me, and then when i got the green light i found out that his adoption fee would be a lot higher than expected and i couldn’t afford it, but one clandestine extraction mission later (shoutout to Quinn, you’re a real one) (nobody cancel me, i did not actually steal him from a shelter) and he was napping on my lap like he’d never known any different.

so i just can’t help but feel like this was kind of meant to be, you know?

and i’m really grateful. like, really, really grateful.

so even on days where i can’t do anything—when it feels genuinely impossible—you can count on me to drag my ass to his food bowl when he screams at me that it’s dinner time. and maybe i’ll grab a slice of bread on the way.

(the toe biter in question, giacomo poopy)

(feel free to add your own toe biters to this post. this is a Creature Appreciation Post)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph, I’m sorry to bother you with this but I feel so lost and your blog has been a source of light for so long. I’ve been trying to hold on a job for a while but had to quit two because of mental health reasons. I am embarrassed though, how do I cope with this? At the same time I know I am capable since I do have skills, but the environment/circumstances is just so stressful..

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Ooof I am SO sorry that you're dealing with that stuff, and I wish I could do more than offer hollow words. Please know I am not a professional so please just take what I say as anecdotes that I hope will help you too <3

Nonny, there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about, and it took me a LONG time to realize that. Seeing a therapist has helped me immensely with those feelings of shame. I'm also fortunate enough to have a day job that I'm 8-years-tenured at, so honestly I just went right to the top with the HR manager in the room, told them exactly what my therapist recommended for me, and now I'm allowed some accommodations should I need them.

However.

Mental health is WOEFULLY undervalued in the corporate world, and very few of us end up with employers who are both understanding and accommodating to our needs, and I can understand why you want to keep it to yourself in fear of job loss. I'm a Canadian in Ontario, and we have laws that employers cannot fire or lay you off strictly because of mental health issues (which I believe is a fairly recent thing). You don't state where you're from, so I'm going to guess it's the US, which I – from afar and tumblr posts – understand is horrific to employee-rights. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel trapped.

Honestly Nonny – and this is just because I felt encouraged by my therapist to do so – just talk to an HR person about options to accommodate you, like maybe they let you work nights when there's less people and distractions, or let you do hybrid work... And if need be, get a doctor or psychologist's note to present to them.

Honestly Nonny, I'm probably the worst person to ask about this, because I KNOW I'm privileged enough work a job that was willing to work with me. You know why? Because, like you, I have the skills that are valuable enough to keep me around. It took working an entire pandemic at home to prove to them I could be granted those accommodations, but yeah, sometimes, your work IS noticed, even if they don't say anything to you.

So, my thoughts are this: talk to a counsellor or therapist or even your doctor (mine is a talk therapist, and we're working on cognitive behavioural therapy, which is essentially giving me tools to cope with my day-to-day), because just having an unbiased point-of-view is helpful. Talk to your HR manager to see if they have the capabilities to accommodate your needs. AND if your job has PTO or Sick days, TAKE THEM. That's what they're there for. There is NO shame in taking a day off because you can't get out of bed. OR offer to work at home on those days, which is what I do.

Sorry I'm not much help other than this, Nonny. I have so much empathy for you, especially since I have very bad headspace days where I can't physically bring myself to go to the office. I truly hope you find a solution that works for you, but AGAIN, DON'T BE ASHAMED. You are only human, and we are NOT made to work 40+ hours a week for 60 years.

If anyone has much more useful advice, please do offer it <3

[royinprogres]

My 1st Year at Engoo

Teaching can be an incredibly fulfilling and rewarding job, but it also comes with its unique set of challenges. As an Engoo teacher, I've experienced these challenges firsthand. Despite my passion for teaching and my best efforts to make a positive impact on my students, there have been moments where I have felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and unsupported. I've been with Engoo for almost a year now, and it's been an exciting journey so far. Teaching entirely online can be challenging, and the platform's diverse student base means that I need to adapt to different communication and learning styles continually. Despite these challenges, I always try my best to connect with my students, help them improve their English skills, and make their learning experience enjoyable. As my first year anniversary at Engoo approaches this month, I reflect on my journey and the struggles I have faced along the way. One of the most significant challenges I have encountered is the lack of understanding from people who don't work in education. Family and friends often assume that my job is easy because I teach from home. Still, they don't comprehend the mental and emotional energy it takes to be an effective teacher. At times, the pressure and stress of teaching at Engoo can feel overwhelming, leading to a mental break. Despite being an experienced teacher, there are times when I feel like I'm not doing enough or making enough progress. But what makes the experience worse is the lack of understanding and support from others who don't comprehend the struggles that teachers face daily. Despite these challenges, I still find my job as an Engoo teacher fulfilling and rewarding. Seeing my students improve their English skills and achieve their goals is a constant source of motivation for me. Teaching is not just about imparting knowledge; it's about building relationships, understanding students' needs, and helping them become more confident communicators. If you're a teacher struggling with the pressures of your job, know that you're not alone. It's essential to prioritize your mental health, take a break when you need it, and seek support from colleagues or friends who understand what you're going through. And if you're not a teacher, please try to understand the difficulties that teachers face, and show them support, compassion, and gratitude for the important work they do. As I approach my first year anniversary with Engoo, I'm proud of the work that I've done so far, and I'm excited about what the future holds. Teaching is a challenging job, but it's also one of the most fulfilling and rewarding jobs out there. I'm looking forward to continuing to make a positive impact on my students' lives, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to teach with Engoo.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I’ve had a feeling this was coming. The combination of Matty repeatedly making a point to tell us they aren’t going anywhere, Jamie stressing that this is the last set of shows for a while, and Adams ATPOAIM episode is what did it for me. I couldn’t imagine them jumping right back into another album cycle after the year they’ve had, either. I didn’t even expect this second leg on tour.

It’s heartbreaking to hear confirmation, but besides COVID, they’ve been going nonstop for a decade. Longer breaks just seem inevitable as they get older.

He says a lot of stuff that doesn’t come to pass (he also said they’d take a long break after Notes which didn’t pan out), but he also speaks very deliberately. He seemed nervous when he said it, and the vibe shifted majorly, he knows the weight those words hold. Maybe they’ll make a return in 2025 or 2026 instead of the usual two year cycle.

Anyways, I’m hoping this means his solo project sees the light of day.

Yeah I think you’re right. It’s been a wild ride, the album cycle, right? With everything that’s happened, coming back from Covid and all.

I was talking to @abiiors about this, and, we were saying how this might be a similar thing to what ended up happening with the Arctic Monkeys. There were a few years when they paused. As their families and personal lives grew. And we got TLSP in the meantime. You know?

And, like, let me make a disclaim rn cuz some of y’all in my asks and dms need to fuckin chill. Im NOT saying I don’t want the boys to rest. They SHOULD. It made sense for them to operate the way that they’ve been operating for the past decade because they were establishing a career. They were practically children. From Drive Like I do, to The EPs. By the time ST was a thing they were like 23. They’re grown men in their mid 30s now. Mentally, socially, physically, their lives look very different. They’ve been in serious relationships now. Baby boy Hann is growing up and Hann has been on the road for most of these big important milestones as a father.

It just doesn’t make sense for them to keep going the way that they have been. Ross is now a producer. George has produced a bunch of other records. Matty’s broadened out and made friends with Phoebe and Jack Antonoff (who may or may not be his solo project producer). The boys are growing up. (That’s was going to be the subject of my ‘essay’ on BFIAFL btw. That’s why I’d called it ‘boys to men’ like as a pun on Boys II Men.) that means that their art and their jobs are going to grow and change as well. Slowing down is essential.

And while we’re on the subject, I don’t think that the way they’ve been going for the past 10 years is sustainable. It’s not right. Not healthy. You guys know how Matty always says “we create in the same way that we consume”? It’s true. Because of streaming, post-modernity, etc (especially post-Covid), our consumption of art and entertainment has changed. We have shorter cultural attention spans. A song that came out 6 months ago is already old news today. So, with Notes, Matty has talked about wanting to keep putting out records as long as he has something meaningful to say and as long as culture is hungry for more. And while that might sound like great news for us as fans cuz it just means that we’ll always have new content around the corner. But let’s step back from that for a moment, yes?

That’s not healthy for him. He has already worked himself to the bone over the past ten years. Even at his worst and darkest moments he was making music. And he’s a bit of a workaholic. Sure, he doesn’t have a family just yet, but that doesn’t mean he should do this to himself. Obviously, it’s his world and his life and if he feels okay to keep doing things a certain way, that’s his business. I’m just saying that as fans, our investment in the boys doesn’t begin and end with consumption and creation. I’m interested (as I’m sure many, if not all of us) in his health and sanity. I can cite endless examples of great artists from the past few decades who burnt out hard and crashed because they didn’t want to “waste the moment” or tried to capitalize on their fame when it hit peak levels. I’m personally really proud of Matty for doing this past year clean / off the drugs, and in tip top physical health. What I wish for him, whether he chooses to pursue it or not, is that he would give himself time to be bored. Stop and learn how to deal with the quietness of mundane everyday life. Cuz, that can fuck a person up. Sometimes, when you’re so used to the lifestyle that the boys have lived for the last 10 years, just going home and being with the people that you love feels like torture. And people easily start self-destructive habits to cope with that. I want him to learn all that on his own terms, you know?

My sincerest wish for him is that he will continue the tremendous growth that he’s shown over the last few years. By leaning even harder into the healthy habits that he seems to have established for himself mentally and physically. Not backtrack and fall on the old nonsense. But in order to be able to do one or the other he needs to actually HAVE TIME. We all know this is a real issue for him. That’s what fuckin RoadKill is about. “When I think I won’t die from stopping.” “Not really how babies get made,” etc. it would genuinely be healthy for him to feel like he’s gonna die from stopping and then learn that he won’t actually die.

So that he can come back and be creating from a place of security and mortal dread. To pick up a guitar/ pen/ whatever he uses to write because he wants to and he has something to say, not cuz if he doesn’t, he might go insane.

This is true for all of the boys, Ross is the other ostensibly single one whose immediate private life might feel quiet too. (For all we know. Like he might be in a serious relationship that’s not our business.) really this is true for all 4 of them. And of all the people who have loved and supported them over the past 10 years. This isn’t easy on family and loved ones and their live musicians and crew either.

If they have to miss and album cycle or two, then so be it. Maybe we will get Matty’s solo record. Maybe we’ll get DLID, maybe that weird feature film that he’s been writing for as long as I can remember, maybe, maybe, maybe….. all that would be great but not necessary.

HAVING SAID ALL OF THATTTTT. Let’s not fuck around. For many of us, the 1975 has been the constant, comfort, strength, love, meaning etc. and it going away for however long that will be, is LEGITIMATELY A SAD THING. There is absolutely no reason to minimize or trivialize that pain. Or feel that you are selfish or don’t care about the boys, or any less of a fan, just because you find that having to imagine a future when SATVB isn’t on tomorrow or the day after, and we aren’t hyperfixating on or analyzing Matty’s cryptic speeches or thirsting after his torso extremely sad/ difficult/ bittersweet/ lonely/ scary. C’mon. Some people have been in this fandom since ST (not me), that’s their whole fuckin life, man!!!!! It IS sad. You SHOULD cry. ITS OKAY TO BE UPSET. and frankly anyone who makes people feel bad for that is a piece of shit.

Saying things like “oh they’ll be back.” “They’re not going anywhere.” “Matty will be chronically online” are all true BUT THEY DONT CHANGE THE FACT THAT THINGS ARE CHANGING. FOR GOOD. ITS OKAY TO FEEL HOWEVER YOU FEEL.

The boys are still around for the next few months. Let’s cherish them (and each other) while we still can. But imo this is not a silly subject and it’s okay to be upset.

Love y’all. The 1975 forever 🩷

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/21/24

Early Start & Preparation: Woke up bright and early today at 0530. Thanks to my prep the night before, I had everything ready to go—coffee, energy drink, proper clothing, and all the essentials. I hopped in my car and headed to Huntington Beach for my first day of PC 832 training at Golden West College. The drive was about 35 minutes for 21 miles, which wasn’t too bad. I arrived around 0640, parked, took a breather, and paid for parking.

First Impressions – 'I Made It': Walking up to the Regional Criminal Justice Training Center felt surreal. The massive sign out front hit me—"Damn, I made it." As I walked through the hallways, I saw displays of academy history, uniforms, and old equipment. It gave me a real sense of pride and perspective. Knowing the legacy of officers who trained here before me gave me a boost of confidence.

Meeting the Instructors & Classmates: The instructors for the course—Ramos, Pratt, and Carchula—were all retired law enforcement officers, each bringing tons of experience. Ramos had even worked for ABC (Alcoholic Beverage Control), which I didn’t realize was a law enforcement agency. It was cool hearing their stories, especially how Huntington Beach PD operates, and seeing their passion for the job.

Physical Training – Mat Work & Take Downs: We kicked things off on the mat floor, where we went through warm-ups, stretching routines, and exercises to get us ready for the day. We learned the fundamentals of handcuffing, searching, escorting, and take-down maneuvers. The take-downs were definitely the most intense—feeling the pain and adrenaline of throwing and being thrown was crazy.

Throughout the drills, I kept thinking about the importance of mastering these skills for real-world situations. It was a reminder that physical fitness will be just as critical as my knowledge once I make it to the police academy.

Students from All Over California: We each had ID badges pinned to our chests, listing our names and whether we were a sponsored student. I added “Department of State Hospitals” to mine, and it was interesting to see the variety of agencies represented. There were officers from Orange County Medical Examiners, Manhattan Beach PD, California Corrections, and surprisingly, the California Department of Public Health (who knew they had a law enforcement division?).

Our class had a total of 13 students, all from various agencies across the state. During the exercises, one of the instructors complimented me on my performance, which boosted my confidence, even though I still feel more comfortable with hands-on work than written exams. When Ramos asked why I needed PC 832 for State Hospitals, I explained how our officers hold Peace Officer powers, which seemed to surprise him.

The Drive Home – Sore but Satisfied: By the end of the day, everyone was exhausted. After hours of physical drills and take-downs, my body was aching, but it felt like a good kind of pain—progress. I left around 4 PM, and the drive home took about an hour, hopping on the 405 and then the 605.

Dinner & FOMO with Work: Once I got home, I made pancit with eggs and rice for dinner. It felt good to unwind with some comfort food after a long day. I know I should’ve just stayed offline since I’m officially out of the office (OOO) this week, but I couldn’t resist checking Teams—I get that FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) real bad.

I saw that some folks were headed to MLK Recuperative Care for an internal medication management meeting. Curious, I texted Lauren to see what was going on. She filled me in on the meeting and joked, asking why I was even online. I admitted to her, "Feeling FOMO." She wasn’t surprised.

Reflections & Mental State: Despite the exhaustion, I feel surprisingly good—no depressing thoughts today. Maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment, or maybe it’s just the distraction of diving into something new. I’ll need to wake up at 5:30 AM again tomorrow for another long day of training, but I’m determined to keep this momentum and pass PC 832 by Friday.

Let’s keep moving forward.

[moonlghtmoments]

Shattering the Imposter

You know those days when you can’t make it into the office an hour early? That’s when the anxiety really creeps in. I wake up with this strange knot in my stomach, and it seems to follow me right to my desk. I often wonder, why do I feel this way? I’ve got the degrees and the experience; I can do my job just as well—if not better—than anyone else. Yet, there’s this nagging voice telling me I’m not good enough, making me feel like someone is just waiting to call me out as a fraud. It’s exhausting!

Imposter syndrome is such a sneaky thief of joy, isn’t it? It’s that feeling of self-doubt that hangs around even when we’ve clearly succeeded. Studies show that between 50% and 75% of women in professional settings struggle with these feelings, and realizing I’m not alone in this really helps. So many of us attribute our achievements to luck rather than our own hard work, all while feeling like we don’t truly belong in our fields. As women, especially women of color in STEM, we’re often underappreciated and overlooked, even as we’ve made so much progress. But still, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t fit in.

In the workplace, certain situations just ramp up my anxiety—like presentations and performance reviews. Recently, during a performance review, I sat there questioning if my contributions even mattered. And in a job interview, I hesitated to negotiate my salary, asking for far less than I deserved. Thankfully, the recruiter encouraged me to aim higher, reminding me of my qualifications. But that moment only made my imposter feelings stronger, highlighting how disconnected my self-perception is from how others see me. It’s tough not to feel out of place when these thoughts keep swirling in my head.

Imposter syndrome has really taken a toll on my work life, leading to moments of second-guessing myself and holding back in meetings. I often hesitate to share my ideas, worried they won’t be well-received. This self-doubt has strained my relationships with colleagues and mentors because I struggle to seek help or feedback, feeling like I don’t deserve their time. Looking back, I realize I’ve missed out on amazing opportunities—like pursuing leadership roles or taking on challenging projects—all because I felt inadequate. It’s a cycle that’s kept me from fully stepping into my potential.

To tackle this anxiety, I’ve found some strategies that genuinely help. Journaling has become my go-to for sorting through my thoughts and feelings, providing clarity when everything feels jumbled. I remind myself that it’s okay to struggle and use positive affirmations to boost my self-worth. Seeking feedback and mentorship has also been a game-changer, offering the validation I often crave. At work, advocating for open discussions about mental health has created a space where vulnerability is welcomed, making it easier to lean on each other for support.

It’s essential to recognize when anxiety becomes overwhelming because that’s a sign we might need extra help. For me, therapy has been a lifesaver in navigating the twists and turns of imposter syndrome, offering a safe space to explore my feelings. I encourage anyone feeling similarly to reach out for help; it can lead to incredible personal growth. Managing imposter syndrome is an ongoing journey, and it requires a mix of self-awareness and effort. Let’s embrace our achievements and lift each other up in this struggle—let’s create a community of empowerment and understanding together!

[biblelady]

Hanging On By A Thread (Part 1)

Have you ever experienced something in life that was so bad you wanted to completely abandon your faith? I have quite a few times. I’m not ready to give the details of what lead me to that mental space, but I do want you to know, Reader, that you’re not alone in that regard.

I find a lot of comfort reading Job when things get particularly bleak. A lot of times we think bad things happen to us because we did something to deserve it or cause it, and while sometimes this may be the case, this isn’t always true. Job lost everything; he lost his family, his livestock, his house, and his health! All he had left was his life, and even that was hanging on by a thread, contingent on two things, either him taking his own life, or cursing God and dying that way, both which he remarkably refused to do.

In Job Chapter 1, we see that Job is described as a man “blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.” (Job 1:1). This is our first look into the life of Job, and it’s important to note how the story starts, that he did nothing wrong. What the man is about to experience is not a result of anything he has or hasn’t done; in spite of what his friends say, there is no secret evil he committed. However, it’s also not random chaos happening to him. While it wasn’t a punishment from God, it also wasn’t caused by God, but rather allowed by God. Let’s keep reading.

Back in those days a man’s wealth was seen in his possessions, but instead of yachts and mansions, it was livestock and servants! It says that Job had “seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred donkeys, and very many servants; so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east.” (Job 1:3). Even if these numbers are being exaggerated, the point of the matter is, Job was very wealthy and was at the very top of his world. Perhaps a modern example of his wealth would be someone like Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg. I will go so far to say though that that is where their similarities begin and end, because the more we learn about Job, not only was he wealthy, he was righteous and blameless in all that we did. I wouldn’t say the same about Mr. Jeffrey or Mr. Mark.

Another sign of wealth and prosperity was the number of children someone had. To be childless was considered a curse, and it says here that Job had ten children, seven sons and three daughters! (Job 1:2). For Job, though, his children were more than just a possession or a sign of his prosperity; to read the text in its entirety reveals that Job genuinely loved his children. According to verse 4, his sons would hold elaborate feasts in their homes and would "invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them" (Job 1:4). Once the feast days came to an end, verse five says "Job would send and sanctify them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all" (Job 1:5). Job always did this (1:5), because he wanted to make sure his children were redeemed in case they "sinned, and cursed God in their hearts" (Job 1:5). The fact that the Bible makes it a point to mention this about Job's actions is a strong testament to his righteousness, but also his love for his children. As a matter of fact, later on in the book after Job lost everything, he laments his children; "O that I were as in the months of old...When the Almighty was still with me, when my children were around me" (Job 29:2, 5). These details in the text, which are easy to just gloss over at first glance, set Job apart from most people in this time because he clearly loved his kids and was always looking out for their best interest.

It wasn't just the people in his land that saw and respected what a righteous man he was. As a matter of fact, God took note of it too! Verse six changes the scene from earth to heaven. Here we are introduced to God and his angels. It appears that God is essentially "holding court;" "One day the heavenly beings came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan (the Accuser) also came with them." (Job 1:6). Keep in mind that Satan is also called “the Accuser” in this story. God asks Satan where he came from, to which Satan replies, “from going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” (Job 1:7). God then asks Satan if he took note of Job; “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil.” (Job 1:8). This further drives home that Job was a good man who did nothing wrong. This part of the story always bothered me, as well, because it seems like God is unnecessarily challenging Satan, especially when we read Satan’s response. Satan says, “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not put a fence around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land.” (Job 1:9, 10). Satan is winding up his reasoning to challenge God. Next he says, “But stretch out your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.” (Job 1:11). Satan is basically saying, “Ok God, I see your Job, you say that he is righteous and good, sure, he is. But don’t you think it’s only because you have blessed him and he is so prosperous? I guarantee you that if you take all his prosperity away, he will not remain faithful to you!” God responds with, “Very well, all that he has is in your power; only do not stretch out your hand against him!” (Job 1:12).

After gaining God’s permission, Satan returns to the earth to reek havoc on everything Job has. First the Sabeans stole all of the oxen and donkeys and killed all the servants, except for one who was able to escape and tell Job what had happened. Next, "The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants, and consumed them" (Job 1:16). One man escaped to bring the news to Job, but before he had finished talking another messenger arrived with a worse message; "The Chaldeans formed three columns, made a raid on the camels and carried them off, and killed the servants..." (Job 1:17). Finally a messenger appears with the worst news of all; while Job's children were enjoying a feast at his eldest son's house, "a great wind came across the desert, struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people, and they are all dead..." (Job 1:19).

After receiving this news, Job began the process of grieving. It says he "tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on the ground and worshiped." (Job 1:20). This is all he had to say after losing everything; "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21).

"In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:22).

This concludes part 1. Part 2 will be arriving soon!

[mayday505]

poke poke? Yosano mafia boss au??? i'm listening...

Okay so I actually plan to write a fic on this bc I’m so passionate about the idea and I’ve been brainstorming for so long. But essentially talking about AU!Yosano and the basic idea:

Fukuzawa missed Mori at the mental hospital by like a year? Two years? Yosano is 12 at this point when Mori takes her back in into the mafia this time. He disposes of the previous boss at this point. He plans for her to eventually be his successor and to use her ability to make the mafia an unkillable organisation.

Yosano, who has lost all compassion for the world and the people in it has become extremely apathetic and uncaring for things around her including her own health. Because she never meets ranpo or Fukuzawa she remains this way, and Mori grooms her into his image of a cold ruthless mafia leader capable of using her ability to make others suffer and command those around her to be loyal. She becomes very sadistic because of this and actively uses her ability to manipulate and torture others both physically (she’ll bring someone who disobeys her to the verge of death before healing them) and psychologically (she holds the fact she can decide whether someone lives or dies over their heads. This is important for later remember this)

Yosano still wildly dislikes Mori and often attempts to kill him. Mori let’s her, knowing because of the trauma bond she will always bring him back. On one occasion however, Mori miscalculates, and Yosano actually ends up killing him. She is fourteen at this point and immediately assumes the boss seat. Lots of people underestimate her, and there is infighting and insurgency within the mafia for two weeks, until Yosano and Kouyou (who is one of the few that believe Yosano is suited for the job) team up and squash the rebellion.

(Forcing Kousano soukoku generation hc on you. They are the fem generation and no one can change my mind. The reason they haven’t interacted in canon is that their duo would be too powerful)

Flashforward four years, Yosano is a well respected, slightly feared Mafia boss at 18 who has a reputation much like urban folk legend in Yokohama. No one quite knows who she is what she looks like and much less her name or ability, but she’s known as the Angel of death for her miracle healing ability and her ruthless homocidal streak. Kyouka is taken in at this point and Yosano, mostly apathetic, sees herself in Kyouka and grows to care for her. She becomes Yosano’s protege and is her intended future successor.

Currently (Yosano is 26 now) the structure of the mafia is very different than it was under Mori. Yosano feminised the mafia actually. The executives are: Kouyou, who is also Yosanos right hand and most trusted confidante, Higuchi (because I said so she deserves it), Verlaine, Pianoman (flags appreciation), and Kyouka (she holds the youngest executive seat. Kouyou discourages this but Yosano argued that she was 14 when she became boss so Kyouka is old enough to take a more important role in the mafia. There is friction over this, as Pianoman also disagreed with the decision however Verlaine approved of it)

UH I CANT SAY ANYMORE WITHOUT GOING ON FOREVER BUT!!!! I JUST LOVE PLAYING AROUND WITH THE DYNAMICS AND CHARACTERISATION!! like I love love ripple effects because the amount of things affected by one change is just UH love it. (Eg because Mori chose Yosano as his successor he never sought out dazai therefore dazai never joined the mafia in the first place, resulting in a ripple effect because without dazai, Chuuya and Akutagawa also would not have become involved.)

Pls send me more asks I need to word vomit about it. :)))))

[the-ferocious-kittyrose]

Rewriting Haggar/Honerva’s redemption arc

One of the many things that bothered me about VLD S8 is Honerva’s redemption arc. While I was never fully against the idea of Honerva getting a redemption arc, I just didn’t want VLD to do it because I knew that they would fuck it up if they tried. And low and behold, I was right!

But yeah, I wasn’t against the idea of her being redeemed. And I don’t mean “redeemed” as in “all is forgiven and she’s just a good guy now,” but more like a Darth Vader, “the things she did were inexcusable and she would never be able to right all her wrongs but she goes out on one good act to show that there was still good in her deep down and she at least had the potential to change.”

I know a lot of people don’t like the whole, “redemption=death” thing, which I understand, but I personally never had a problem with it.

Ok, so why didn’t Honerva’s redemption work? Well there are a few reasons but the one that baffles me the most is that, instead of trying to make her more sympathetic, season 8 seemed to go out of its way to show her being more evil and vile than ever.

And because I have nothing better to do, I’m gonna go through Honerva’s story in VLD and explain what I would change to make her redemption more believable.

(Keep in mind I am not a writer, this is just me ranting about my favorite character and how I personally would’ve written her.)

1. Realizing she’s Altean

I always thought it’s was weird that when Allura said “you’re...Altean!?” In the S2 finale, Haggar didn’t seem to react at all, she just kept attacking. It’s as if she didn’t care or already knew, which doesn’t make sense considering in the S3 finale and S8E2 it’s established that Haggar has no memory of who she was before she died. And in S4E3 she seems shocked by her Altean face (which also doesn’t make sense because her blue skin isn’t camouflage that’s just how she looks after the rift) so it seems like she didn’t know.

Wouldn’t it have made more sence if after Allura said “you’re...Altean!?” Honerva looked confused/shocked? If she became defensive and said Allura was lying/trying to insult her? There’s def anti-Altean propaganda in the empire so it would be considered an insult.

After that she starts questioning Zarkon. And when she looks into his mind, it’s out of genuine curiosity and desire to know the truth, not because, “the empire needs him” or whatever that meant.

And isn’t it a bit odd that she doesn’t seem betrayed at all when she finds out Zarkon has been keeping all this from her? She’s just like, “oh, you’re my husband? Cool.” Wtf???

2. Her past relationship with Zarkon

Okay, I love Zonerva, but if we’re being honest, Zarkon was not the best husband. He enabled the shit out of Honerva, even when it was obvious that the rift was doing serious damage to her physical and mental health. To me, it seems like Zarkon was so blinded by the power the rift gave him that he didn’t realize/ignored the negative effect it was having on Honerva. In the same way he downplayed the negative impact the rift had on the planet.

I think that should’ve been explored more. Maybe Honerva notices that she’s been acting differently and is worried somethings wrong (think S5 Kuron). And Honerva tries to tell Zarkon that she feels strange and Zarkon just brushes it off.

And later, when Alfor visits Diaibazaal years later. Things are pretty much the same except when we sees Honerva, she is very obviously pregnant and Alfor’s there when Honerva falls and goes into labor (instead of a random quintessence seizure). Alfor and many Galran doctors try their best to save her and the baby but she dies in childbirth.

Zarkon goes ballistic. He’s yelling, throwing doctors across the room, and Alfor turns to the doctor holding Lotor and tells them to get the baby to safely, fearing Zarkon will take his grief out on the baby.

Zarkon turns on Alfor, blaming him for Honerva’s death and accusing him of letting her die so that he could get his way and close the rift. He lunges Alfor and roars at him to leave.

He spends the rest of the night grieving at Honerva’s bedside, when Kova jumps on the bed and starts gnawing on her finger trying to wake her up. This is what gives him the idea to bring her back with quintessence.

3. Her current relationship with Zarkon

I think it’s pretty safe to say that they’re relationship didn’t get better after the war began. Zarkon hid her identity and her child from her for 10,000 years and essentially used her as a tool of war. It’s pretty fucked up.

I know it’s pretty well established that Zarkon treats Haggar with more respect than his other underlings, but I feel like it would be interesting to see that change overtime. We see that after Voltron comes back, Zarkon becomes very obsessed with Voltron/Black, and he and Haggar start disagreeing more and more.

Remember the moment where one of Haggar’s druids told Zarkon Haggar said he needed to rest and Zarkon hit them with his bayard and told them, “remember who your master is”? What if, instead of a random druid, it was Haggar who he hit?

I feel like that would be a good way to show Haggar and the audience just how much Zarkon’s obsession with Voltron is affecting him, and make the audience feel a tiny bit bad for her.

Then later in season 4, when Zarkon wakes up from his coma and finds out Haggar brought Lotor back to take his place he gets pissed. He puts a price on Lotor’s head and has Haggar arrested for treason. She steals a ship, escapes, and later on meets up with Lotor’s generals.

Her and Zarkon are officially broken up and her quest to reclaim her identity and get her son back begins.

4. Oriande

I never liked the concept of chosen/sacred Alteans. The idea that some Alteans are just born more powerful than others just feels iffy. My idea of Oriande is that it’s an Altean holly land, any Altean can enter it just depends on whether or not you can pass the White Lion’s trial. Passing the trial proves that your intentions are pure and and the White Lion will bless you with power.

I didn’t like how Honerva seemed to force her way into Oriande, I think it would be more effective if she had gone through normally because, at this point, her intentions were pure. She was going there to purge herself of the dark magic corrupting her and reclaim her memories so she could go get her son back.

I also like the idea that Oriande is a sorta link to the Altean after life, and you can speak with people you’ve lost. Allura gets to speak with Alfor, and Honerva speaks with her mother.

You could also have her be confronted by the spirits of the Alteans she helped destroy. Have the weight of her past actions bear down on her. An important part of any redemption arc is acknowledging the terrible shit you’ve done in the past, and that was severely lacking in Honerva’s arc.

Another interesting thing you could do is have Honerva talk to her younger self. The one that died 10,000 years ago. This kinda thing actually happened in 80s Voltron, young Haggar appearing in Haggar’s head trying to convince her to be good again.

5. Her relationship with Lotor

Now this is where the redemption arc really falls apart. I forget who, but one of the writers said after S5 that Haggar/Honerva was motivated purely by love for her son, but man did they do a bad job of showing that.

And it would’ve been so easy to fix that problem, just have her not be horrible to him. Have them have actual civil conversations, have her protect and defend him. Don’t have her reject him as a fucking baby!

Imagine if, after Zarkon destroys Lotor’s planet, instead of immediately deciding to

exile him, Zarkon says that this is the final straw and he’s going to have Lotor executed. But Haggar speaks up to defend Him. There’s actually a scene in DOTU where Zarkon tries to kill Lotor and Haggar gets on her knees and begs for him to be spared. (Though the scene was mostly played for laughs.)

she asks for mercy and justifies it by saying it would be unwise to kill his only heir. It’s a weak argument, Lotor’s a half breed and couldn’t realistically take the throne, but Zarkon does concede, he still loves her after all, and has Lotor exiled.

And Haggar isn’t spying on him because she doesn’t trust him, but because she’s concerned for him. When Lotor confronts Haggar about sending her cronies after him, she says she knows he’s hiding something. Lotor asks if she’s threatening him, thinking she’s going to rat him out, but she says no, she’s not threatening him, she’s just trying to warn him against doing anything stupid because, with Zarkon seemingly on his death bed, the empire needs Lotor’s leadership.

At this point in the story, Haggar is questioning her loyalty to Zarkon, so I feel like it would make sense for her to be silently supporting Lotor from the shadows.

Then at the Kral Zera in season 5, It was weird to me how she was helping Lotor through Kuron while also telling him he couldn’t be emperor and trying to put Sendak on the throne. I feel like it would’ve made more sense for Sendak to just show up on his own without Haggar.

Haggar wouldn’t even be at the Kral Zera, she would just watch through Kuron.

And then we get to S6 when she actually reveals to Lotor that she’s his mom. This scene was just so poorly done. She never actually apologizes to him, she’s just like “yeah I forgot you were my kid and I never loved you, but were cool now right?” I remember when I saw S8E2 and it shows her after Lotor rejects her and she looks like she’s about to cry, I was just thinking, “this would be very emotional and sad IF she had actually apologized and made it clear that she genuinely loved him.” But she didn’t and I don’t know why!

And then we get to season 8, and of course everything in S8 is bad but Honerva’s story is particularly bad. She’s supposed to be motivated by love for Lotor yet she doesn’t act like she actually cares about him at all.

She manipulates his corpse and when she sees his gross melted body, she doesn’t even react that much. When a mother sees her child’s mutilated corpse, how do you think she reacts? Screaming? Crying?? Hurling??? But no. She’s just like, “...”

And then when she goes to the alternate reality and meets baby Lotor and he rejects her, her reaction isn’t disappointment or sadness, it’s anger and entitlement. She immediately decides, “ok, fuck this kid. Let’s destroy this reality.”

It just doesn’t make sense! This is the season you’re trying to REDEEM her! Why are you going out of your way to make her so vile?

6. Her S7-S8 plan

(Keep in mind I haven’t watched S7/S8 since they came out and barely even watched S8 to begin with, so I don’t remember some things and I can’t be bothered to rewatch them.)

Okay, starting with S7, she’s not in this season at all but in “The Ruins” the druid dude says that her final order was to hunt and destroy the Blade of Marmora. I guess it makes a certain amount of sense because she saw that it was Keith who brought Lotor’s actions to light, but that whole plot was really pointless in my opinion. (Was anybody really hoping for a rematch between Keith and that one random druid?)

If you want us to forgive Honerva for her crimes, you really shouldn’t keep adding more unnecessary crimes. It’s established that there were a lot of Galra war lords vying for power and pirates looking for money, just have it be that Kolivan got kidnapped by one of them.

Then you have her season 8 plan and I’m gonna be real with y’all, I have no idea how to fix this mess.

I feel like the basics of her plan could work. She tries to get Lotor and Sincline out of the rift but when she gets him he’s a melted corpse so the plan then becomes to use sincline to go to another reality to find a living Lotor, but opening all these rifts causes problems and the paladins have to stop her.

But all the shit with manipulating the colony Alteans, killing the White Lion, desecrating Oriande, and destroying Olkarion and entire realities, it was all so unnecessary.

Personally I would cut the colony Alteans from the story all together, there are other ways for Lotor to betray the team. It was a lazy way of making Lotor 100% evil and having Honerva manipulate them is unnecessarily cruel, especially in the season you’re trying to redeem her.

Here’s a very basic outline of how I would do this plot.

If we’re going by season 8’s logic that she needs a sacrifice to bring back Sincline, I would’ve had the Galra she killed at the Kral Zera be the sacrifice, not the White Lion. She stands on the pyramid and talks about how the empire stole her life from her and she wants revenge as she absorbs their quintessence into herself and then uses that to bring back Sincline.

Then when she finds Lotor dead she takes Sincline and uses it to go to another reality where she can be with her family.

The danger comes when she opens rifts to the other realities and rift creatures start coming out and causing damage. The paladins fight them and follow her into the rift to stop whatever evil plan she may have. Because the paladins don’t know that Haggar is now Honerva and all this is just to get Lotor back. They think this is all some plan for multiverse domination or some shit.

Meanwhile Honerva has just been rejected by little Lotor and seeing Voltron show up pushes her over the edge and they fight.

But when they find out the real reason she’s doing all this they start trying to appeal to her and convince her to give up and close the rift peacefully. And similarly to how the paladins had to sacrifice the castle to close the rifts created by the fight with Lotor, Honerva has to sacrifice herself to close the rifts.

In the end, I feel like a Honerva redemption arc could’ve worked if the writers were actually competent and actually made an effort to have her be sympathetic, but In canon, her reasoning, “If I can’t indulge in the simple joys of life, why should anybody else?” just doesn’t cut it.

It’s disappointing. VLD had so much potential. I’m thinking of just rewriting the entire series from the beginning. Hopefully putting all my thoughts out into the universe will help me move on.

[choco-cherry-chunk]

(Just gotta say I’m very happy you’re posting again 💝) My headcanons for Philip are he likes baking, has nothing to do with the pandemic, he has always liked baking and when he got more time to do it he was like yes! I think he enjoys homemaking and being a safe place for Benoit to land in general. I think he’s used to being on his feet, his job when he met Benoit involved that I think for some reason I get that feeling.

If he got pregnant I could see him being annoyed about not being able to bake, decorate, have things nice and cozy for Benoit when he comes back. Later in the pregnancy at least.

I could see him having a routine of strategically baking or lighting candles so the house will smell good when Benoit gets home but further into the pregnancy he forgets to do little things like that due to brain fog or accidental naps and oh no Benoit comes home to a flat not made up to welcome him! Which only upsets Philip.

I imagine the loneliness of Benoit being away would get harder to deal with.

A scenario I’ve just thought of is Philip discovering he’s pregnant while Benoit is out on a case and not telling him because he doesn’t want to distract him. That would be extra dramatic if it was a case that lasts a few months so when Benoit gets home Philip is showing already.

You are too kind, love. I’ve missed this blog and all the kind people that enjoy it. I’m still working through my mental health stuff but am feeling better each day *knock on wood*.

But onto your wonderful ask! I love your head canons. I adore both sides of the “Philip bakes” coin, where some think he’s a fan of baking and others think he started because of the pandemic and is terrible at it. And him having a very active job sounds fun, especially with the idea that he’s essentially stuck at home during the pandemic and is thus going just as stir-crazy as Blanc, but tries to act like he isn’t, lol.

I adore that. Benoit tries to insist that while he loves returning home to Philip’s wonderful set-up, he’s just happy to be home with him. He should just relax, be off his feet. But Philip is so adamant that things won’t change during the pregnancy, that there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to handle his usual tasks with the additions of this matter. But as you’ve described, he’s much more tired than usual and he catches himself losing focus on things. On more than one occasion, he forgets something baking in the oven and set off fire alarms. The one that shuts down this home-making situation until after the baby comes is when he falls asleep while some pastries are baking and Benoit comes home to smoke pouring out of the kitchen. Everyone is okay and the damage isn’t too severe, but he is so worried that Philip may hurt himself, so both agree to put these things on hold.

He’s definitely not a fan of Benoit’s absence and misses him dearly, especially if certain milestones take place while he’s away. And like you’ve described, he initially isn’t sure of if he should try to contact Benoit to tell him the news while he’s on a case or wait until he’s returned. But he’s already, say, two-ish months along when he finds out and the longer he holds off on telling him, the more terrible he feels about keeping it a secret, especially since he knows the stakes in the case have gotten higher and his partner needs all of his attention on the matter at hand. But by the time Benoit returns, he’s around five months along and there’s no denying the truth.

[twst-bs]

TWST Dorm Leaders and an Anxious MC

This is the first piece of written specifically for this blog!

-----

Riddle: Had they broken a rule?

Even if Riddle had improved by leaps and bounds in the anger management department, he still held his rules in high regard. And the way his brows furrowed when he looked at them from across the table, was he angry about something? He couldn’t exactly punish them - they had no magic to lock away, and they were a dorm leader in their own right, so he didn’t have any right to discipline them, but what if they had done something on a personal level? Offended him in some way? They had barely mastered social cues in their own world, what if they messed up in Twisted Wonderland? What if -

...Riddle had said something, and was clearly waiting for a reply. In their internal panic, they had missed whatever it was.

“I-I’m sorry, Riddle, I was kind of zoning out. What did you say?” Were there rules against zoning out? Probably, that seemed like something that would annoy him.

“I asked if you were alright.”

“...Huh?”

Riddle set down his tea cup - it was a pretty, delicate little thing, gilded gold along the edges and handle, with roses painted beneath the rim. His mother would be mortified if she knew he was drinking strawberry milk tea with an ungodly amount of sugar out of it, Riddle had once said with a small, almost sheepish smile. That same mouth was now downturned as he regarded them with concern in his wide gray eyes.

“You seemed to be under a lot of stress lately,” he spoke slowly, like they were a frightened animal. Maybe they were. “Is everything alright? Are you sleeping well?”

They weren’t, but that was more of a side effect of their stress than the cause of it. They idly tapped their fingers against their own tea cup, a matching one to Riddle’s. They had been drinking lavender tea in an effort to calm their nerves, but it clearly hadn’t worked.

“I’m fine, promise,” they grinned, hoping it looked convincing.

By the way Riddle’s face scrunched up, it did not.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “I know I’m not the best at handling emotions, but if I can help in any way…” Riddle trailed off, looking embarrassed.

They felt their stomach twist in horror. These little tea parties were the highlight of their week, a little moment of reprieve for the both of them to just relax and enjoy each other’s company. And they had gone and ruined it because they couldn’t figure out how to human properly.

“I’m sorry!” they burst out. “I’ve been so anxious lately, and I haven’t been able to sleep, and I’m worried about my grades slipping because I don’t know the first thing about magic and -”

They didn’t even notice they were starting to spiral until Riddle had reached across the table and grasped onto their hand. Their chest was heaving with barely-contained sobs, and they weren’t sure if the trembling they felt in their hands was theirs or Riddle’s.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured. “Deep breaths, now.”

He was parroting what Trey would tell him to help him calm down, they knew, but it was good advice. They knew that he had talked Riddle down from many an anxiety attack before, but the fact that Riddle, someone who suffered from severe mental health problems, was the one calming them down made something sour begin climbing up their throat.

“I-I’m making everything worse…” they mumbled, squeezing Riddle’s hand tighter. “I should be able to handle this without freaking out, but…”

Riddle reached out and brushed away a tear they didn’t know had fallen away with the back of his knuckle. “I know better than anyone how it feels to be under pressure.” he sighed. “Please, don’t think you have to deal with all of this stress on your own.”

Leona: “Will you sit still for five minutes?”

They hadn’t thought they had been making that much noise. Certainly not enough to wake Leona up from his nap, that was damn near impossible. So either the floorboards in Ramshackle dorm were worse than they thought, or Leona hadn’t actually been sleeping.

“Sorry,” they mumbled, staring down at the worksheet in front of them. They had been trying to finish this homework for hours, and the incantations were starting to blur together. What language were these even written in? Were they in the demonic section or nature section?

Leona sat up from where he had unceremoniously plopped himself on their bed. “You’re fidgeting like a rabbit, herbivore.”

“So you weren’t sleeping after all.”

“Hard to sleep when I can practically smell your anxiety.”

“Then go sleep somewhere else.”

Leona clicked his tongue, sounding annoyed, but they both knew he secretly enjoyed it when they got snappy with him. Not a whole lot of people had the guts to give him sass, and he liked having someone to verbally spar with. “And miss watching you squirm?”

“I’m not squirming.” they bit back.

“So that chair squeaking was just the ghosts, then?”

“Maybe.”

They could practically hear Leona roll his eyes, but they still didn’t take their eyes off of their textbook.

“Staring a hole into the page isn’t going to solve the equation.”

“How do you know?”

“Shut up and get over here.”

That made them look up. Leona had stood up, motioning them over with a tilt of his head. “You’re taking a break.”

“But -”

“You’re. Taking. A. Break.” he punctuated his words by grabbing the back of their desk chair and pulling. Just enough to jolt them, they could tell by the way the chair stopped that he was purposely holding it steady. Even so, they couldn’t help the small noise of surprise they made.

“Leona, I have to finish this!”

“You’ve been staring at the same page since I got here, you aren’t finishing anything.”

Subconsciously, they knew that taking a break would probably be good for them. But the part of their brain that was panicking about failing was telling them that if they took a break they were essentially giving up. And giving up wasn’t an option.

“Herbivore.”

The soft growl in Leona’s voice snapped them out of their thoughts. Leona had gone back over to the bed, flopped onto his back with his arms splayed out. To anyone else, it looked like he was just lazing about, but they had been with him long enough to realize that this particular position was an invitation.

It was then that they realized just how sore their neck and back were from being hunched over their desk. And how badly their eyes were burning from staring at the miniscule writing in their textbook. And how their legs and arms were one wrong move away from cramping because of how tense they had been.

...Okay, yeah, maybe a cuddle break was in order.

Leona grunted when they plopped on top of him, face buried in the crook on his neck. “Shit, herbivore, that hurt.”

“Suck it up.” they muttered, internally melting a little when he brought his arms up to wrap around them.

“Tch,” again, he sounded annoyed, but they knew better. “Learn to take better care of yourself.”

Azul: There was so much stuff to do.

Even if Crowley made sure they didn’t have to worry about money, a lot of the responsibilities of dorm upkeep still fell on them. They had to buy groceries, clean the whole dorm, make sure the place didn’t fall apart, follow Grimm around and make sure he hadn’t scorched any curtains...and that was all after they had done the assigned homework.

All things considered, they did a pretty good job, but sometimes they laid awake at night thinking of all of the things that needed to be done. Which left them in a less-than-ideal state for class the next day.

Gr-gr-grmmble…

They winced, hoping no one heard that. They had slept soundly through their alarm this morning, to the point where Grimm had to slap them awake, and therefore didn’t have time to snag breakfast. And it was really hard to focus on Trein’s droning lecture when they were both hungry and sleep-deprived.

Ace looked at them out of the corner of his eye with a raised eyebrow, but thankfully didn’t say anything. It might have been because the last time they got busted talking in class the spiel from Trein had been worse than if Riddle had just collared them, but still.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Trein dismissed the class. They still had Alchemy before they could go grab lunch, and even though mixing potentially explosive potions in their current state seemed like a terrible idea, Grimm skipped class enough. They didn’t need to add to his track record. So, feeling distinctly zombie-like, they made their way through the halls towards the alchemy lab.

Maybe they could dash by Sam’s shop really quick and grab a protein bar just to hold them over? No, Trein had yammered on until the last possible second, and they only had a few minutes before their next class started. There was no time. Maybe -

“Oof!”

“Whoa!”

Well, that’s what they got for not watching where they were going. Their books clattered to the ground as they ran headfirst into someone.

“Ah, damn, I’m sorry,” they bent down to pick up their books. Now they really were going to be late.

“Are you alright?” they looked up to see Azul stooping down to help them. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, I’m fine!” they grinned sheepishly. “Just wasn’t paying attention, is all.”

Azul frowned, picking up their Alchemy textbook before straightening. “You look exhausted. Another rough night?”

“Is it that obvious?”

Pale blue eyes widened and Azul flushed red. “I-I didn’t mean it like that!” he stammered, “I just - I merely - “ he cleared his throat, quickly recomposing his gentlemanly demeanor. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”

“Relax, Azul,” they laughed, standing up from their crouched position. “I was just teasing you.”

“Must you do that in public?”

“Are you saying you like it when I tease you in private?”

“That is not what I said.”

They laughed again, reaching for their books, but Azul held them out of reach. “Hey, come on,” they pouted. “I’m going to be late.”

“Seriously, are you alright? You look kind of pale.”

They sighed. “I didn’t sleep very well last night, and then overslept this morning, so I haven’t eaten anything. Happy now?”

“Not really, no.” Azul frowned. “Come on, I’ll treat you to lunch at the lounge.”

“But I have class.”

Azul kept walking, and they had no choice but to follow considering he still had most of their books. “I’m sure Crewel will understand if you miss one class. You have an otherwise perfect track record.”

“How do you know that?” they asked. “We don’t have any classes together.”

“I have my ways.” Azul smiled cryptically at them.

“Which one of them was it?”

“Jade.”

“Knew it.”

Kalim: “...and then, there was this one time, the baby elephants broke out of their cages…”

They wanted to pay attention, they really did. Kalim was a great story-teller, even if he was a bit all over the place. And stories from a magical noble family, no matter how mundane to Kalim, were always fascinating. They could sit here and listen for hours.

Well, usually, anyway.

Nothing in particular was wrong, really. They had just woken up feeling off. It could have been anything. They could have had a weird dream, they could have forgotten something minor, the planets could be slightly unaligned, it didn’t matter. It was just an off day, and they were feeling it.

“...hello? You still in there?”

They nearly hit the ceiling when Kalim snapped his fingers in front of their face. Where they had been sitting there being anxious about trying to figure out what was making them anxious, Kalim had crawled across the floor where the two of them had been having lunch in his room. He had wanted to have a picnic on the flying carpet, but Jamil had put his foot down. Literally, he had stood on the carpet so Kalim couldn’t ride it.

“Sorry!” they yelped, almost knocking their tea over as they were forcibly brought back into the present.

“You looked kinda worried there,” Kalim frowned, quite an unusual look for him. “Everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” they looked down at their lap and bit their lip to stifle a gasp. While they had been worrying, they had subconsciously been picking at the skin around their fingernails. There were a couple tiny drops of blood beading up around their nail beds. Maybe Kalim wouldn’t notice?

“Hey, you’re bleeding!”

Damn.

Kalim’s expressive, ruby-red eyes went wide and he lunged forward to grab their hands. “When did that happen? How did that happen? Do you need to go to the infirmary?”

“Kalim, I’m fine, there's barely any blood.” they sighed, gently prying their hands away from him. “I do that a lot.”

“You just randomly start bleeding?!”

“No, Kalim,” they laughed softly, shaking their head. “I pick at my nails when I get anxious.”

Kalim pouted, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “You’re anxious? Why are you anxious? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, it isn’t you, I promise!” they idly swiped at their nails. The places they had picked open had already closed. “It’s just...it’s a thing. I just have anxiety in general, is all.”

Frowning, Kalim sat back down in his original spot. “Isn’t there a way to fix that?”

“There’s a few ways, but none of them are quick.” they shrugged. “I was doing better, but suddenly coming here brought back a lot of my old habits.”

“Hm…” Kalim stared at them intently before the apparent storm passed and he brightened up again. “Well, we’ll just have to get you new habits to replace the old ones!”

“I...don’t think that’s quite how that works…”

“Here!” Kalim reached down and took a bangle off of his wrist. It was gold, with an elephant charm hanging off of it. With a big, eye-closing grin, he handed it to them. “When I was little, I used to get scolded for squirming a lot, so my mom told me to play with a small toy instead of running around. I know it’s a bit different, but maybe, instead of picking at your fingers, you can play with the charm instead? Would that help?”

For a moment, they were quiet, just staring at the shiny gold bracelet in their hand. Then, a small smile split across their face. “Yeah, I think it’ll help.”

Vil: “You haven’t been sleeping.”

“Hello to you too, Vil.” they sighed, flopping unceremoniously onto the stone bench beside him. Usually they at least tried to hold themselves to a higher standard when they were with the Vil Schoenheit, but they just didn’t have the energy. “How could you tell I haven’t been sleeping?”

“Unless the undead look is a new fashion trend, but bags under your eyes are very telling.” he reached over to tuck their hair behind their ear, both in an affectionate gesture and to get it out of the way so he could assess them better. “You’re also breaking out. Are you stressed?”

“Isn’t everybody stressed?”

“Don’t get existential, just answer the question.”

They huffed, letting their head rest on the hand that was still at their ear. “Yes, okay, I’m stressed, happy?”

Students were watching the two of them on their way through the gardens, but Vil paid them no mind. He had plenty of practice at ignoring the masses. “We’ve discussed this, haven’t we? Mental health is just as important as physical health.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” they closed their eyes, unable to look at him.

“I didn’t mean that to be scolding,” this time, Vil sighed. “Just a reminder that you need to take care of yourself. Maybe a spa day is in order.”

That did sound nice. “Can we do hair masks?”

“Of course, my dear.”

Idia: “Big Brother, you have a guest!”

Idia fought the urge to groan when Ortho popped his head into the room. Why did people always have to bother him on raid night?

Just as he was about to tell Ortho to send whoever it was away, a second head appeared.

“Hey, Idia.” the Ramshackle prefect sounded drained, enough to make him type a quick “AFK” into the chat and turn to them.

“Everything...alright?”

They stepped fully into the room, returning Ortho’s cheerful wave before closing the door and collapsing face-first onto Idia’s bed. “There’s too many people out there.”

“Mood.”

“And they all want me to do stuff for them.”

“Also mood.”

“So can I hide in here for a little? Please?” they turned their head to look at him with pleading eyes. “I’ll be quiet, I know it’s raid night.”

Idia turned to glance at the screen. The team he had gotten saddled with this time around was garbo - three tanks and no healer, honestly - so he was fairly confident they weren’t finishing the dungeon. Shaking his head, he clicked a few buttons and the screen returned to his desktop.

“Bunch of losers anyway,” he mumbled, getting up from his chair. “Wanna play something else?”

“Can we play Skull Girls?”

A few moments later, they were sitting side-by-side on the bed with the opening for the game playing on one of Idia’s monitors

This was what they needed. No people besides the two of them, no lazy Headmasters asking them to take care of problems way beyond their physical and emotional capacity, no chaotic cats threatening to light everything on fire. Just a nice little break.

Slowly, careful, so as not to startle him, they leaned over until their head was resting on his shoulder. He tensed, but his hair didn’t turn red, so they counted that as progress.

“Thanks, Idia.”

“N-N-No problem.”

Malleus: Okay, so this probably hadn’t been one of their better ideas.

Sleep just wasn’t happening tonight. All of the things they had to worry about kept running through their head, and every time they thought they were about to drop off, something else popped up. Eventually, they had given up and decided to take a walk.

Unfortunately, they had completely forgotten how cold it could get at night. Even with the jacket they had pulled on over their pajamas, they were shivering.

“You’re up late.”

The deep voice startled them, but they managed to compose themselves before turning around. “So are you, Tsunotarou.”

Malleus Draconia smiled softly at the nickname, looking absolutely ethereal with the small green lights flitting around him. “It’s dangerous to be out alone at night, Child of Man.”

“The gargoyles will protect me.” they said cheekily. Malleus chuckled.

“And what of me?” he asked. “Do I not get the honor of protecting you?”

“You can fight the gargoyles for the honor.”

Again, Malleus laughed, before noticing the subtle tremors that wracked the human’s body. “You’re cold.”

“This wasn’t my best-laid plan.” they sighed, tugging their jacket closer to their body. “I always forget how cold it is at night.”

Malleus hummed before opening his arms. “Come here, then. I’ll keep you warm.”

They hesitated for a moment before stepping into his embrace, sighing as his body heat seeped into their being. “Wow, you really are warm.”

“Dragons run hotter than humans,” he explained, tugging their head beneath his chin. “It’s why I have no trouble roaming around at night.”

“Lucky.”

“Well,” he murmured. “I’ll simply have to accompany you on your nighttime adventures to keep you warm.”

[callmebrycelee]

NEW AMSTERDAM REACTION

This reaction is for the season 4, episode 14 “Unto the Breach” which originally aired on January 25, 2022. The episode was written by Allen L. Sowelle and directed by Stephen Kay. Spoilers ahead!

I wanted to start off by saying Dr. Veronica Fuentes is evil and must be destroyed. Okay, not that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s get into this episode by starting at the beginning. Last week we learned our beloved Dr. Kapoor had passed away and the beginning of this episode addresses the death head-on with a memorial service. It was so good to see some old faces - Casey Acosta, Dr. Agnes Kao, Gladys and Karen Brantley - in attendance. I hated seeing these characters lose their positions at New Amsterdam and I’m still holding out hope that when Max finally defeats Dr. Fuentes and takes back the hospital, he can reinstate their jobs. I also loved the eulogies each of the characters gave. I liked how Bloom talked about how slow Dr. Kapoor was and how she learned that his pacing was essential to his bedside manner. I liked how Sharpe shared the story of him being an immigrant and how he was the first person to welcome her to New Amsterdam. Iggy clearly is the most affected by Dr. Kapoor’s death and his speech made me miss the friendship the two of them shared. It’s sad and it’s rough that Dr. Vijay Kapoor is gone but I think the tribute his former coworkers gave him was well-done. 

I’m glad we didn’t dwell too much on the sadness this episode because one thing this show has always demonstrated well is the reality of how life truly does go on whether you are there or not. Max and Sharpe learn this lesson the hard way when they discover that their former employer - their former home - is in shambles. Sharpe is worried that all the hard work she did during her time as Head of Oncology has been undone but Dr. Wilder assures her that the things she implemented are still there only they have to be kept from Dr. Fuentes’s watchful eyes. Max is horrified when he learns that the ER has become a waiting room which is something he has always been against. When he confronts Bloom about it, her response is very blasé because she has been living through this while Max has been off in London living his new life.

Speaking of Bloom, she is having a rough time with Leyla being back. While Leyla assures her that things will remain professional between the two of them, it is quite clear that Bloom is not comfortable with her being back. Last episode we learned that she was making plans to leave New Amsterdam and I loved her conversation with Sharpe who encouraged her to do what was best for her mental health. Admittedly I got a bit nervous when I saw Bloom take the methamphetamine pills from Rohan’s bag but I was so happy that she was open and honest with Sharpe about taking them. I mentioned earlier how I have missed (and will continue the miss) the friendship between Iggy and Vijay - I have truly missed the friendship between Bloom and Sharpe. I felt big sister energy coming from Sharpe this episode and it made me remember just how dynamic their relationship has been over the course of the series. 

I wasn’t too keen on Iggy’s storyline this episode. I found the kid he was counseling super annoying. I did, however, like when he confronted Rohan and was brutally honest with him in a way that we don’t often get from Iggy. I know a part of what he said was motivated by how close he was to Vijay but I think Rohan needed to be talked to the way he was. Hopefully their conversation is the kick in the pants he needs to get his life together. Oh, I totally forgot that he is the father of Ella’s kid. P.S. - I would love to see the kid at some point even though I don’t know how much of Ella we will be seeing going forward since Vijay is gone.

Dr. Wilder continues to be the leader of the resistance at New Amsterdam by performing off-book surgeries. Unfortunately, others are starting to catch on to her little rebellion. Honestly, I thought it would be Dr. Mia Castries who blew the whistle but oh what a plot twist! But let me back up for a sec. I love that Sharpe and Max didn’t immediately condemn what was going on down in the morgue and I liked that Max had even scrubbed in for the surgery on the rabbi. I imagine if Max was still at New Amsterdam, he would’ve been a part of the resistance from the start. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and before the rabbi can be operated on, Dr. Fuentes shows up with that evil-ass face of hers and shuts the whole operation down. Boo! Hiss!

My favorite scene of the episode was when all of the doctors were assembled in the conference room. Now, as much as I loathe Dr. Fuentes, she was such a good villain in this scene. I love how she handled every single person and how their punishment was so pitch-perfect for each of them. When Dr. Wilder tried to fall on her sword and be the martyr for the resistance, Dr. Fuentes was like, oh no - you can’t leave because your surgeries bring in revenue. Oh, and if you do try to leave, I will ruin you. Fuentes, 1. Resistance, 0. Next, she takes down Iggy by stripping him of his title as Head of Psychiatry. The basis for this is that Iggy isn’t seeing nearly enough patients for Dr. Fuentes’ liking. Now - I hate to agree with Dr. Fuentes - but I kind of agree with her on this one. Iggy did spend the afternoon playing video games with that annoying kid so she is somewhat justified in what she ends up doing to him. But hey - at least Iggy still has a job at New Amsterdam. Fuentes, 2. Resistance, 0. Last on the Fuentes hit-list is Bloom. Bloom, who as initially planning on leaving New Amsterdam has a sudden change of heart once she realizes that she needs to stay put. Well, too bad, so sad - Veronica says you have to go, Bloom. So, if you’re keeping score, that’s Fuentes, 3. Resistance, 0. 

Dr. Fuentes then reveals that it wasn’t Mia Castries who blabbed about the secret resistance - it was Dr. Reynolds. Let me just say, I love Dr. Reynolds. I think he is an incredible doctor. I will be the first to admit that I haven’t been a fan of his storyline this season, but this was such a kick to the gut. I did not see this coming although my mom claims she saw it coming early on in the episode. So, Reynolds is our mole. He is the one who went to Dr. Fuentes about the off-book surgeries and in turn, he gets to start performing all of the fancy surgeries he loves performing which is good for him. I just hate it came at the expense of Wilder getting blackmailed, Iggy getting demoted and Bloom getting fired. 

By the end of the episode, New Amsterdam - once again - has been thrown further into chaos. Fuentes’ power seemingly knows no bounds and she has zero qualms about destroying anyone who gets in her way. Max and Sharpe meet up and discuss all of the things they have seen while back at the hospital and then Sharpe does something completely expected. She tells Max that he is needed again at New Amsterdam. She also says that when he is done, he can come back to her and that she is not going anywhere. My heart melted during this interaction because I resented Max and Sharpe leaving New Amsterdam in the first place. A lot of people were like, they deserve to be happy and live their own lives and while I agree, I feel like they exited at literally the worst time. I also hated that they left their family in dire straits. But I am happy that Max is going to stick around and hopefully wrestle control back from Fuentes. I know it’s not going to be an easy battle but I do believe that good will prevail in the end.

Well, that was the episode. It was a good episode. While so many of the shows I am watching are dropping in off in quality as they advance in seasons, I believe New Amsterdam is stronger than ever. The drama feels natural and not contrived. The characters are compelling. I love this show so much and I cannot wait to see what happens next! Stay turned for my next reaction!

[writingwithacupoftea]

A long overdue post about the future of my blog *please read*

Hello lovely people of tumblr!!

First of all, I hope you’re all doing well and I’m so sorry about my very long silence. I’ve had an absolutely crazy summer with graduating from uni and turning 21, and just generally working on myself and my mental health (very happy to say that I’m the best that I’ve ever been). I’ve also been spending a lot of time thinking about this blog and deciding what I’m going to say in this post.

I made this blog in the early summer of 2020 on a complete whim. I’d just written my first ever fanfic and thought ‘screw this, I’m gonna post it.’ I was blown away by how well it was received, and quickly got the writing bug. So I carried on writing more and more fics, began interacting with other PB blogs both old and new, and essentially fell in love with this little corner of the internet. This all took place during a major lockdown in England, and I cannot even begin to express how much the community that I came to be a part of helped me through that time, so thank you to you all for being so welcoming - you changed my lockdown experience for the better 💖

Many of you will have noticed that, since the end of that summer, this blog has become increasingly inactive. Originally, it was uni that got in the way. Then, when I finally had time to write, I found that I’d lost the writing bug, despite still having a fair few fic ideas in the bank. That takes us to this summer and this message.

So, getting to the point.

This isn’t a goodbye, but this is me signing off as an active blog (if that makes sense). I may still pop on here and reblog some fics, hell I may even one day just randomly decide to write and post a fic - who knows!? I will never delete this blog, but it is now officially going to be inactive for 99% of the time and you shouldn’t expect to see any new content from me.

I have decided to do this for two reasons.

Firstly, in literally 2 weeks I’m going to be starting my training for my dream job and I want to give it all of my time and energy (and tbh if I couldn’t cope with running a blog during my undergrad degree there’s no way in hell I’m going to cope with it during my training year and onwards).

Secondly, the last three months since I finished uni have given me a real love for life. I’m almost overwhelmingly content at the moment and excited for the present and the future. This blog provided me with a place to escape to during lockdown, however my time and commitment to my online life did have a detrimental impact on my ‘real’ life and relationships. That’s not to say that I regret it, because I don’t. But I knew that, for my own happiness, I needed to choose between these two lives, and I would always pick my ‘real’ life. I hope with all my heart that this doesn’t come across as bitchy, and that you get my point.

And I suppose there is a third reason for making this official: I didn’t want to feel like I was letting people down for any longer. I’ve somehow managed to accumulate 612 followers on this little blog of mine, and I didn’t want to keep putting out these ‘I’ll start writing again soon’ messages when it’s highly unlikely that that will happen. For those of you who have been around for a while, thank you for your support and for holding on all this time. For those of you who have followed me recently, I hope I haven’t come as a disappointment to you.

Before I end this ridiculously long post, I want to give a special mention to some of my moots @theshelbyclan @genyaakostyk @thebloodyday @multifandomwriter56 @vostokovasmelina @smallheathgangsters just to name a few. I know there’s so many people that I’ve missed, but I hope you know who you are. Thank you for allowing me to become part of your incredible community, and it’s been a privilege to write alongside you - I’m in awe of you all and wish you all the best for the future 💕💕💕💕

Okay, I think that’s everything. This feels weird and sad, but I know that it is the right decision for me, and I hope you all understand.

Sending my love and gratitude to you all,

Emily x