#I’m also leaning so hard on my mom and it’s made the transition SO much easier to handle

[whentherewerebicycles]

I seem to be fine most of the day and then I have a BIG mood dip around 8pm. I think I should just immediately go to bed instead of entertaining any thoughts at all about the future

[lilith-little-world]

Ahhhhhhhh, I am so so so sorry! I got into character ai recently and next thing I know 2 weeks has passed. It was all a blur- ugh I feel bad and now I have to slowly transition out that writing style to the writing style of this. So enjoy this, cause fuck I lost track of time so hard... I'll try to finish the 2nd chapter soon since I usually write fast. I just need time to resist the urge to go back to that site. Also it was super fun got a husband, lover, and son. Went through hell to get there but it was worth it.

I Saw You Once In a Dream, Maybe|| Pt. 8

You immediately chase down Monkey King and your mother. Hoping that he doesn’t spout out any more nonsense to your mother.

“Oh- stop telling her lies! Mom please don’t listen to him!”

Monkey King just smirks at you as lean onto the kitchen counter. While your mother looks at you confused.

“What do you mean? Don’t pretend, I saw you kissing him outside the house~” She said with a smile.

You felt your face turn red, quickly cover it with your hand. This was getting too much.

“That was- ugh, mom please, he was just messing around, we are NOT getting married.” You state trying to keep your cool.

“Oh~ weren’t you the one dreaming about our wedding day?” He said, giving you the most shit-eating grin. Your mother’s eyes went wide and looked at you with such excitement, you couldn’t help but feel nervous.

“You? I never thought I would see the day my sweet child would- when’s the wedding day?”

“You two are unbelievable.” You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh with frustration. “Mom, you said you wanted me to pick up something, what was it?”

She let out a laugh.

“That can wait, I want to know about my child’s special someone. This is the first time you brought them home. He must be very special to you.”

Monkey King raises an eyebrow.

“Really? Well, it makes sense we are getting married soon.”

You feel your face get redder as this goes on. You're an adult, not some middle schooler dealing with some crush. You sigh shakily and calm your blushing face.

“You know what? Fine! Sure, I'm too tired for this. Mom, please what was the thing you wanted to give me?”

“Sweetheart, you know I was just teasing you a bit. Let me go get it- I was cleaning the attic and found some of your old things.” She went to the living room and brought out a small box. “I thought you wanted these back.”

You open the box to see what was inside. Just some old things, old journals, books, pictures, and hard drives.

“Oh I remember these! I've been looking for these books too! So it was in the attic, I must have put them there and forgot about it. Thanks, mom.”

Monkey King looks over your shoulder to see. You just push his head back and laugh.

“What I just wanted to see?” He said laughing along.

“This is my old stuff, I’m not going to let you see. Anyways you were really pushing it with that joke.”

He just laughs before giving you space again.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t help it.”

“You two are so sweet, oh also, I made pie earlier today. Here let me hand you a plate to take.”

She grabs a container and cuts a large slice. Before handing it to you.

“Thank you, mom. Take care alright?”

She nods and leads the two of you back to the front door.

“That goes for you too! Also-” She turns to Monkey King with a smirk. “Take care of my child, they matter to me a lot.”

“MOM!”

“Don't worry, I will.” He said laughing.

Your face turned red as you both left. Monkey King walks beside you with a smug expression on his face, while you look forward with a stern face.

“I should have left you at Pigsy’s.”

“Yet you didn't! I'm enjoying our little date.”

“Date?! This is not a date! We barely met just a few hours ago!”

“-And now, apparently getting married.” His grin widens as he glances at you. A hit of mischief in his eyes.

“We are NOT getting married.” You mutter out.

“I mean, you were the one who has been dreaming of our wedding day.”

“Now I'm thinking, those dreams were a warning. Maybe I should listen and-” You pause as you glance at him, finally smirking. “-Stay away from you.”

You pick up your pace and laugh. His smug face falls as he looks worried and nervous.

“Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I was just joking around.” He immediately picks up his pace and apologizes.

“I'll stop! Please, I just thought it was cute and wanted to joke around.” He quickly explains.

“It's just, I wanted to talk and hang out with you but whenever I do, I get so nervous and chicken out.”

His face was getting red and looked away from you.

“Actually, now that you mention it. When did you meet me?”

“W-well, it's just…okay so I usually shapeshift into a bird whenever I want to see the city and during those times… I ran into you…” He clears his throat and turns his head to the side, embarrassed. “You were taking pictures and snapped a shot at me.”

“Wait, the little brown bird that always follows me around! That was you?!”

His face turned red and couldn’t look you in the eyes.

“Y-yes, that was me. I wanted to talk to you, but I was afraid you'd freak out so I thought, I'll get the kid to help me out and- well here we are.” He finally turns his head to you. His cheeks slightly red, as he smiles at you.

“Look, I really didn’t mean to joke around that far and made you uncomfortable. I just got too excited and got carried away.”

You stayed silent for a while, as you two walked down the street.

“Today was…something but it wasn’t bad. As much as you made me frustrated earlier, today was fun. So don’t worry too much about it, anyways it’s been a while since I saw my mom that excited.”

Monkey King's gaze softens at you. He lets out a small laugh, his posture relaxing.

“Still, I shouldn’t have told your mom that. After we first met…even though technically this is our first time talking to one another.”

You bump into his arm, to nudge him, and roll your eyes.

“It had been a long while since I hung out with anybody this long. Usually I keep to myself, but this was nice. Thank you for tagging along.”

“You don't have to thank me, I just wanted to actually talk with you for once. I should be thanking you for giving me a chance!”

You smile at him softly. Feeling touched by his words. For once, you didn't feel lonely. As the two of you went on chatting, you realized that the feeling hadn't plagued you since meeting him and it felt nice. Instead, all you felt was a soft warmth in your heart that seemed to grow the longer he stayed by your side.

It wasn't long until you both made it to your house. You turned on the lights, as you lead him to the living room.

“Make yourself at home. Let me put these down somewhere and we can head out to get some groceries.”

Monkey King sits on the couch and sighs. As you went to the kitchen and placed the small container on the counter and put the small box away in your room.

“You got a nice place here.”

“Why, thank you. If you like it so much, you can stay here and rest while I get groceries.” You said while walking up to the couch.

“Hmm, tough choice. I mean, it would be nice to tag along but your couch feels nice, I can definitely take a small nap here.” He said laying on the couch. “You know what? I'll tag along if you ask me~”

You felt your face flush from the request. Will you actually ask him to accompany you or will you leave him here on the couch? Is there even a bad choice to make in this situation? Who knows~

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: “Fighter Flight”

We went out shopping and wound up stealing a military aircraft, only on Rebels people, only on Rebels.

This is one of my favorite episodes to rewatch, it’s just so FUN.

A very pretty shot of Lothal, pre-burninating, and a short mellow excerpt of the Main Titles theme to open us up.

Behind the scenes it seems that Kanan has been teaching Ezra something, because he’s poised over this bowl like he’s ready and raring to practice something he learned.

You know I gotta talk about it, it’s the flirting scene!

Look at this dork trying to be all suave and charming. ^_^

It doesn’t work because of course Ezra is fourteen and a dumbass just how I like ‘em but I like that Sabine never really seems overly bothered by his attempts, mildly irritated at worst, and even then she never gives him a hard no and she’s plenty capable, she certainly doesn’t let niceties get in the way of her speaking her mind on other things.

(See: How she was almost outright rude to Kanan and Hera about the whole Fulcrum thing.)

Subtle animation appreciation moment: Ezra briefly losing his place leaned against the doorframe and having to quickly readjust.  Adorkable.

Zeb, you’re already awake, there’s no point to threatening Ezra here.

Smug little bastard I love him so much.

I really do like that they explore the inevitable friction that was going to occur when you house a snarky teenager with a cranky grown adult.  It builds naturally off the previous episode.

Plus I just love Zeb and Ezra’s dynamic and love seeing them grow to respect and care about each other, sue me.

This is nitpicky but... sometimes the paths the characters take through this ship make no damn sense.

Like right here, Ezra comes out of the nose gun pod... which can only be accessed via the cockpit ladder that he immediately runs to.  We can hypothesize that maybe he made a detour via the vents, as in the pilot, but... Zeb comes that path too.  And he definitely doesn’t fit in the Ghost’s ventilation system.

Granted I notice this because I obsessively charted out the Ghost’s layout but still, it bugs me.

Zeb coming in with a flying leap to tackle Ezra will never not be hilarious.

The Found Family dynamics are in full swing this episode; Hera lording over as Team Mom, Zeb and Ezra acting like squabbling siblings, pretty sure this is the first time someone refers to the other three as “the kids”, Kanan and Hera being absolutely low-key married...

The bouncy, elastic character movement is also very prominent here.  Like I said, the show loses this as it goes on, but it lends itself perfectly to the comedy of this episode.

Please appreciate Ezra swiping at Zeb like a feral cat with me.

Subtle animation appreciation moment: The animators take time out to have Ezra scratching up into his hair as he turns from Sumar.  I love little tiny character details like this, it just makes things feel so natural and organic.

Imperial March snatches coming on the clarinet here.

Again with the small character moments, Ezra crouching and readying his slingshot.

Rebels said Eminent Domain is the arm of state tyranny, pass it on.

Friiiiiiick the height difference between Ezra and Zeb is getting to me, he is so freaking tiny!

No wonder everyone he meets feels the immediate need to adopt and protect him.

Serious question: What exactly does the Empire want or need with a crate of meilooruns?  They hardly seem the type to care that much about the nutritional needs of their troops.

Like as not it’s for the plate of an officer with an expensive palate.

Ezra already responding much better to Zeb’s shoulder punches.

I would like to just reiterate: I love Zeb and Ezra’s friendship, it is adorable, they play so nicely off each other and I’m glad they got this bonding episode in early Season One.

The bouncy woodwind that’s been picking away in the background here transitions seamlessly into the Force theme prelude, hgn I LOVE it when the score adds to plot beats.

I could be wrong, but this sounds vaguely like a cue from ANH when the Stormtroopers were chasing Han and Chewie.

Ezra being so smol that Zeb can literally chuck him up to a rooftop. *cries*

Baron Valen Rudor was featured in Ezra’s introductory short (Zeb’s too I think?), it’s kind of a running gag how the Rebels show up to ruin this guy’s day in particular.  And it is hilarious.

Please appreciate Zeb’s maniacal cackle as he blasts troopers away with the TIE fighter with me.

Oh wow, I never noticed the subtle Force ring sound effect right here with Ezra leaping to the other roof.  Nice touch.

I hear some notes from the Return of the Jedi soundtrack here, specifically when the Rebel Alliance is making its attack on the Death Star.  I think that may be one of the leitmotifs associated with the Rebel Alliance specifically?

I really want to know the story behind Ezra’s, “You don’t know how.  Let me!” here.

A lot of this really seems to suggest that Ezra’s flown ships before.

Force ring sound effect coming in as Ezra senses the approaching rock formation and once again, I love this show’s animation.  I think I have a gifset of this moment specifically under my #your clone wars could never tag.

(Explanation: That tag is mostly for appreciating early Season One Rebels animation, which is on the level of TCW’s Season Three at least.)

I may be a Sabezra whore at heart, but I do love how casually domestic Kanan and Hera are right here.

This is one of the funniest exchanges on the show. XD

Subtle animation appreciation moment: Zeb’s ear flickers and the awkward way Ezra scratches his face.

Ezra’s “I think I know where it [the smoke] is coming from.” makes me think he’s visited the Sumar’s farm at least once or twice and knows its general location.

IIRC a large part of this episode’s inspiration was the toy or concept of this specific transport right here.  Fun trivia fact.

I don’t think anyone anticipated Lyste becoming more prominent a player lol.

Like an OC you get inexplicably fond of.

Oh hey!  Ezra’s theme is piping in here!

Oh frick is that a Dies Irae reference?

(For context, the Dies Irae is basically an ooooooooold classical music meme, usually used to musically portent death, doom, or gloom.  Star Wars tends to use the Dies Irae liberally.  Rogue One in particular had heavy Dies Irae references in several of its tracks.)

This music cue, on the other hand?  Unique to Rebels.  Kind of fun, but then I’m a soundtrack nerd and enjoy this kind of thing.

Zeb continuing in the classic Star Wars tradition of, “We’re fine, we’re all fine here... now... How are you?” failed bluffing lololol.

I know I’ve mentioned my appreciation for the hair animation but... seriously.

It’s so soft-looking.

A stuttered, half-formed variation of the Force Theme here, which only plays a few notes in the sequence, just the suggestion of the leitmotif really.

Luke’s Theme, on the other hand, though in mellow horns, allowed to play more fully, though interrupted on the very end by a sharp discordant note as the Stormtroopers come up top.

This is what we call ~*musical storytelling*~.

Snrk, one Trooper downed by fruit, the other by friendly fire.  Love the whimsical little sting as Ezra’s pelting them with meilooruns.

“You did all this... for FRUIT?!”

Still one of the funniest lines in the series.

Oh wow I just noticed the nice scuffed texture on Ezra’s backpack.

Ezra’s jaunty little salute character tic, which Kanan picks up. <33333

Props to Zeb’s prehensile feet, love whenever the writers use them.

I wanna know when and how Zeb learned about Ezra’s helmet collecting hobby, did Ezra try to cram his stash on the shelves as soon as he moved in?  Lol.

Awwww and Ezra’s already getting comfortable with arm bumps, love to see it.

*bangs “Rebels animation was gorgeous from the start, ya’ll just hatin’” drum*

I think I can hear some of the cue from the “Property of Ezra Bridger” short.  Pretty sure it’s used as a kind of “Rebel shenanigans” leitmotif throughout the series.

Prime “aww” moment here as Zeb and Ezra wrestle, love love love the boys being affectionate, underrated friendship, gimme more.

Lol, Ezra sounds more confused than offended by Sabine’s painting.

And a slightly more upbeat rendition of Ezra’s theme to close us out.

I love this episode it’s got Zeb and Ezra friendship bonding, Kanan/Hera being adorably married, it becomes delightfully relevant to the finale, and it’s hilarious, I don’t really have anything else to say except haters to the left, why don’t you have some fun occasionally?

Tomorrow, the episode that most people said was the hook for them for the show and the start of major Spacedad-Spaceson feels.

[trashlie]

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oh my goodness!!!!! Thank you, I love this response so much, and I have sooo much to say in response, aaaaaahhhhh! You absolutely touch on some things I’ve thought about a lot (and put a lot of it into better words)!

I talk a lot about how so much of Nol and Shinae’s friendship seems to have developed in the shadows. It’s something that’s fascinated me for a long time, because it made me wonder how other people regard their relationship. Obviously it’s not too strange that Meg was surprised that Nol has Shinae’s number but I’ve wondered how other people see them, too. Was Yui ever aware of her Shinae’s growing affinity towards Nol? I know one of the big theories is that Yui wanted to use Shinae to hurt Nol, but I still waver on that thought because you put it SO perfectly: it happens in the peripherals. 

It’s not just in the shadows, it’s just right on the edge of vision, not quite out of sight but not an immediate thought. I think that especially describes the transition in their relationship during the Kim formal, how you can’t really place your finger on the point where everything changed, because it was just happening, developing that way. And that’s why it’s such a difficult thing to process, because while those developing feelings are right there, they’re juuuust out of sight enough that they don’t require thinking about. It’s something that is happening without their realization because it’s not so obvious.

I think this shows especially true in Nol finding out he was never on a morphine drip at all - the way he immediately makes that face and blushes when he realizes he’s all alone, when he realizes his recent behavior was completely sober. That wasn’t the morphine at all - that was those feelings he hasn’t paid mind to. The way he leans on her shoulder and even turns his face in towards her once he realizes he’s not at Hirahara Memorial - acting on something he hasn’t been aware of, because he believes his ease and comfort is just the meds, because he’s not thinking about it, he’s just acting and reacting. 

You are right - this is the best way to describe them and what’s happening with their growing feelings, why it’s not so easy to put your finger on it. And I LOVE this. I’m literally going to be thinking about this all day. 

It’s funny, because Shinae clearly didn’t realize how much she cared about Nol until that day in the rain. She couldn’t understand why it hurt so much - because this was just a short three month friendship - it wasn’t like her mom leaving, it wasn’t like Alyssa hurting her. Except as Dieter pointed out, it was. Shinae just hadn’t been able to see clearly how important Nol had become in that time. 

But I especially love the way you’ve compared this to Dieter because WOW that really encapsulates that difference! Like you, I don’t think calling Dieter safe and comfortable a downplay of him at all because it’s true and that’s not a bad thing. It is, on a very obvious level, what Shinae is drawn to, what she seeks. She doesn’t like drama, her life is already hard enough, why wouldn’t she be drawn to someone who is placid and doesn’t put her through the wringer? 

I’ve never thought of Nol and Dieter in terms of how Shinae responds to them, but I think that’s a good indicator. This is something Dieter seems very aware of, too, because while her feelings developing has been very peripheral, Dieter has picked up on it and taken note. He also is able to sense that chemistry, the way Shinae and Nol interact and their good-natured bickering, and how it’s something he’s just not capable of. Like you said, he doesn’t take her too high, or too low. It’s comfortable, it’s easy, it’s safe, and that’s not bad at all. 

But as a result, we haven’t seen those more extreme emotions on Shinae. In fact, the way she laughs and calls him a weirdo, the expressions she wears while they’re dancing remind me so much of her expressions in middle school with Alyssa, before she was hurt so badly she closed herself in. And I DO think that’s absolutely worth noting, because right! It’s been a hell of a night, her friend nearly died, all the stress and strife and now, in this little moment, in this pocket of time that exists for just the two of them, she’s having so much fun. He’s brought out that joy. 

I think that’s the thing about him wearing this mask. When she told him no dancing with legs, only fingers, he was suddenly very determined to dance. For her benefit? For his? That part is unclear, but I think yes, the juxtaposition of her absolute joy and happiness, having so much fun, while he’s crying just hits me SO HARD. I don’t think the dance is necessarily a distraction - or at least if it is, that’s not it’s entire purpose - because I think that’s why he initiated it in the first place. For her. 

But man, you are right that we really haven’t seen her look that happy and overjoyed in a really, REALLY long time. Nol just has a way of bringing that out of. I think that’s what’s so important about that parallel to the awkward dance with Kousuke, too, that he was able to bring out that side of her, to bring that joy forth. 

Would she have that much fun dancing with Dieter? Probably, but also because she’s more aware of her feelings AND his, I think it would be a little more awkward. Sweet, adorable! But perhaps a little awkward because man, when you are aware of your feelings it’s hard to move around them! I think dancing with Nol like this is so EASY and FUN BECAUSE they’re juuuuust out of sight enough that she doesn’t have to worry about why it feels this way and what it means. In this moment, it’s just Nol and Shinae, no thoughts about feelings, just the comfort he brings her, the ease he elicits. 

BUT ALSO I really like your tangent about not getting to see Nol’s face because this is ALSO something I think about A LOT. Not just in relation to Shinae but, in general, Nol’s eyes are often hidden from us. There’s also a number of times his eyes are the only focus of the panel, but it so often seems to be when he’s angry or provoked. But when it’s other emotions, we are pointedly left in the dark. 

Even if he isn’t wearing a mask, Nol’s emotions are very often hidden from us, and it does make me wonder about 223, and like you said, how it’s Shinae’s turn to make a move. How their feelings and their development has been peripheral. It’s the same way we are not given any indication of Shinae’s thoughts right now - it’s not as obvious or clear as her crush on Dieter, it’s not as straight-forward and in the focus. 

Are we building up to a realization? Even if it’s just the hint of one? Are we building up to some kind of honest moment? I don’t think they’re in the space to process these feelings or really acknowledge them, but I do wonder if he will sometime get to see Nol’s eyes in a way that we can read what has been hidden from us. 

Will she ask him to remove the headband and show us an emotion other than shock or anger? Somehow it feels... I don’t know how to describe it, but the idea of seeing Nol so upset, so scared, and actually see his eyes - it feels like such a BIG moment! 

But yeah I think there’s something to it, how in this episode it was so Shinae-centric since his face was hidden, since he’s the one masking, and it’s her turn to call him out, to ask him to reveal something vulnerable to her. Maybe she won’t even ask him to take it off, but just ask him if he’s too uncomfortable to show this part of him to her, ask him to, at the least, please stop masking. Idk!!!!

hey, how are you doing? 💗 thanks for the link, that was a great read <3 and as usual, you make such great points! it does seem like yu jing's motivation is to stop yui before she harms any more people. i guess that makes sense, since that would also align (at least partly) with rand's goals. still, yu jing is not the type to sacrifice herself. she must have a way to protect herself somehow. given everything we know about the timeline of the story, we can assume the article won't take yui down completely but it WILL be impactful and yu jing will have to deal with the aftermath. and it's yui we're talking about, so i'm expecting the worst 😶 and yes nol's guilty plea changing her plans is very interesting and i have absolutely no clue why :/ there's so much we don't know about yu jing yet: her history with both the brothers, what rand did to help her, the details of her article… aah i can't wait to learn about all that.

what i also can't quite figure out yet is how alyssa plays into this. so she's exposed and her career is ruined. then what? does yui even need alyssa for something other than to control/torment nol? and helping a "problematic" (but also very talented) girl reach fame is probably the least evil thing yui has done, it happens in the entertainment industry all the time, so exposing that wouldn't do much damage to yui. i wouldn't even be surprised if yui immediately drops alyssa once she has no use for her anymore. but then… what would alyssa's role in the story be? idk it might be just me but i feel like there's still something missing here…

"her insistence on being there" that's the closest to what i had in mind, thank you! and i get what you mean. romance that is grand and untamed and consuming like a forest fire is beautiful in its own right. but for people like nolan and shinae, who have faced so much hardship and turbulence, a love that is soft and steady, that has a healing, illuminating glow feels much more monumental in a way. like a quiet, peaceful, comforting place in the middle of a raging storm. and yes i LOOOVE how they're so well-balanced in their mutual efforts and care and how they're naturally gravitate towards one another. and it's especially obvious when compared to alyssa, who only takes without giving back, or even kousuke, who so often disregards the perspective and needs of the other person. that's why i like re-reading the first half of the formal a lot, those dynamics really come to light <3

"all these little moments that could just as easily remain platonic, except they’re stirring something up" YES!!!! i'm glad we're on the same page on minhyuk and platonic gestures, yay! and btw if you ever write that post about shinae and nol, even though it would be a tangent, i'd actually be curious to know what you think dieter's role in all this is. personally i'm undecided if shinae is genuinely crushing on him because she's drawn to his peaceful, calm, drama-free lol nature and emotional maturity (and hands), or if she's only crushing on him because it's safe to explore the possibility of romance with him and he has reassured her that he genuinely likes her at a time when she was so suspicious about whether her friends even like her (she even questioned minhyuk for a moment 💔) (and the sexy hands might be some kind of projection idk). and if verbal reassurance is part of it, then well, we just had the mutual "you're special to me" confession...

RIGHT i wanted to bring up the girlfriend thing too. shinae has been so adamant about making sure things stay platonic, but now alyssa is basically out of the picture, and the lines she drew are getting blurred, so where does that leave her? tbh i'd be overwhelmed and even a little scared if i was her. everything is happening quite fast! she's been closed off for a long time, she met nol like 3 months ago, took a lot of time to warm up to him, they've established their friendship a couple of weeks ago, they've grown close so quickly, now suddenly there is all this, whatever this is? and i'm probably overanalyzing but i do find it interesting that, in the hospital room, she doesn't hug him back. she doesn't object or push him away either so she obviously doesn't mind, and this sort of inaction (?) does read to me like a physical reflection of what's going on with her internally. the feelings are sprouting, but she can't quite process what's happening, and doesn't know what to do with herself just yet. but she also doesn't dislike this so she is just kind of going with it. then again in the very last panel in 219 we can't see her other arm so maybe she IS embracing him this time. one of quim's little details to keep us wondering i guess 👀

and please i was DYING when shinae blurted out she thinks rand is hot in front of both his sons in front of NOL who is a physical carbon copy of rand except younger and orange like girl… LMAO. (and btw yes on that moment between kou and nol; there are a few rare moments where the brothers almost… get along? it's very refreshing but in a tragic way. like a glimpse into an alternate version of the story where all the toxic conditioning didn't happen 💔)

oh god this got sooo long again i apologize!! i will try to make my future asks more concise. for now, i'm leaving you with this quote i found that makes me think of nol and shinae, i'm sure you'll understand why and appreciate it as well: tumblr. com/slavicafire/714146132919500800 (can't link it properly on anon, hopefully this'll work)

alright. take care!! -lil anon 😼

Lil Anon!!!!!! <3

I was holding off on answer this for a little bit because frankly the last couple weeks were trash and I had noooo energy and didn't want to reply until I could do a good one! I'm glad I held off, though, because there's something I can respond to MUCH BETTER now! Of course, that means this has FP 222 spoilers, so hopefully you've read! (or at least you stop here if you haven't, haha!)

It's funny how a couple weeks ago, we were still trying to piece things together "it probably won't take Yui down completely" "is it worth it for Yujing to risk her career and life?" and episode 222 came in like a wrecking ball, oh my god! I said it in my commentary post, too, but I DID NOT anticipate how much this expose was covering! All along we've talked like this is about Yui and perhaps the Hiraharas in general, but it was largely centered on her. Now, we see it's so much bigger than we'd yet realized, that the nasty, gnarly roots go deeper.

I think it's also so much clearer now why Yujing is going after this story - what it means to her, and her quest for the truth. I imagine by the time she was in university, she already knew what she wanted to do, and was already pursuing that path, but I wonder how much what happened to Manli affected her future career? Or did it already exist before that? The school Sangchul attends that's mentioned in the article about the rampant sexual assault makes me wonder if it's the same school Nol attends, that Kousuke and Yujing attended. If that's the case, then Yujing probably knows of a number of girls she went to school with who were sexually assaulted and nothing came of it. Around half of the reports ended in an incident report when the victims couldn't be contacted or refused to speak about it - doesn't it sound like they were coerced into not speaking about their experiences, whether they were paid off or threatened.

So supposing Yujing went to a school with the elite uppercrust, the wealthy, the influential, the affluent, who committed these heinous acts and got away with it. She went to a school where she watched truth crumble beneath power and influence. Her friend was later in one of those same scary situations and it's very easy to assume that nothing came of it. That she, too, lives with the haunting nightmare of an experience out of control, that left her feeling unsafe. Suddenly it makes sense why Yujing is taking it on, it makes sense why she's willing to risk it all. Because now we see that the stakes are even higher than we thought before. This encompasses so much more than just Yui and the company. This is an attack on the Hiraharas and Kims, specifically, but also an attack on the affluent, those who use their privelege to prey on and hurt others for sport, those who get away with everything, because when it comes down to it, they are above the law. They control things. This is their world.

It's a much more risky expose than we'd really considered before, but it makes sense, why it's so important to her. Yujing is dedicated to digging up the the truth - the real truth, not just media play. She wants to reveal the dark and sinister underbelly of those who have money and influence. She wants to illuminate how many lives have been ruined, how many instances of depraved, deplorable behavior has gone unpunished.

I think this also gives insight into why Nol pleading guilty was such a benefit to her story. It didn't make sense at the time, but now that we are more aware of her angle, it's clearer. Nol is being charged for a crime he didn't commit, but one that Sangchul Kim did - Sangchul Kim whose own relative was removed from his role as CEO due to his own sexual misconduct allegations. She's airing the reality - that Nol was framed/charged for a crime he didn't commit. What did the investigation yield? There must have been one, right? I guess it never came to light because he pled guilty at the hearing? Either way, Nol pleading guilty can easily be seen as someone trying to minimize the damage. He knew that even if he pled innocent there was a likelihood that he'd still be charged as guilty and the sentencing would be worse. Although, maybe he wasn't even thinking of it that way. Maybe he simply just wanted to get away and jail was as good a way to do it. But even that is an angle to work with - that the Hiraharas were so unbearable, were so cruel, he was willing to plead guilty to someone else's crime to get away.

This might be where Alyssa comes into play, but I'm still a little leery of this part, and I'll try to get to that. But Shinae's story also reveals a similar scenario of a cruel act going unpunished. Alyssa walked away without any punishment and I imagine the girls who were part of that were never found out, because Shinae certainly didn't say anything and I'm sure Alyssa didn't, either. We know that I acknowledge Alyssa pushing Shinae was an accident, but the point still reasons that Shinae was being bullied and nothing came of it. Shinae got badly injured and it was just. Swept aside. Those teachers quit their jobs. And it seems very likely that Alyss'as parents paid off the school to keep quiet, to keep her out of trouble.

It's not fair, is it? Even though it was an accident, there was no closure for Shinae. Those girls went on living their lives and for all we know, they may never have even felt bad about it. And it's just yet another case of people with money or influence being able to pay people off, of never atoning for their behavior.

Yujing's story seems to be seeking out truth but also justice. She wants everyone to know how abhorrent they are. She wants to reveal the sinister inner circle of the affluent. Someone on reddit said they'd compared Yui and Gun Kim to Epstein and my god that's exactly what it is, and that's the story Yujing is risking it all for. She wants to air what they have been able to keep quiet.

But here's the thing about Alyssa and the yearbook. As far as we know, Nol has no indication that Yujing is working on this story. When he pled guilty, she mused that she was probably giving him too much credit, which sounds like she hasn't said anything to him about what she's working on. From his perspective, the interview she had with him had to do with his hearing, had to do with clearing his name, or at least offering something for the media besides trying to make him seem like a drug-touting rapist. So why did he give her that yearbook? Why did he steal it?

People suppose that maybe he saw something else in the yearbook but I don't think so? Quimchee is pretty good about how she draws the scenes and he didn't seem to really take notice or anything until he saw that math club photo with Shinae and Alyssa and pieced together their history. He didn't have a chance to go through it further because Shinae tried to take it back, so it feels like it must be about Alyssa. But I just don't get it? What does he stand to gain from taking the yearbook? Some people thought he was going to confront Alyssa but... I really don't think so. Is it possible he knows what Yujing is working on? I just... can't see how he'd know? I know he's perceptive and smart, but has he even seen anything enough to indicate it to her?

Was it more that he hoped that by giving her the yearbook she'd look through it and recognize Alyssa and look into it? Even that seems flimsy at best, so I'm still a little ??? about this. I'm sure there's something I'm missing, or just something that's yet to be revealed but I'm at a loss. Like, Shinae's story certainly plays right into what Yujing is writing about, but is that just a coincidence?

You bring up some really good points about Alyssa, too. It does feel like Yui's only use of her is to torment Nol, and that's not really working anymore now is, it it? He's only with her for their mutual benefit. At this point, if he wanted to end things for good, he could, because would he feel bad if she lost everything when she was no longer connected to him? Nol seems pretty done with her - he does not use light words when he talks about his resentment of how she acts and her admiration of Yui, and he's long-since given up on trying to sway her away. Does a part of him remember when they were really friends and he stays so she can have that? But I've also considered that maybe if he's "dating" Alyssa, she's the main target, the main one Yui tries to use against him? That feels flimsy, though, because Yui watches like a hawk and she is well aware of Shinae's affinity for Nol, and that he shares the same feelings, which is why he tried to keep that distance. But I don't know if staying with Alyssa is really protecting Shinae at all, so the questions remain.

Of course, like I said, I think Alyssa's involvement here may be more about her family, and the dirty hush money they may have paid. In that case, the hush money + Yui creating her career starts to look more questionable. But I think, and this is something that makes me feel sick if I think about too long, I worry there may be some... "sponsorship" involved. I desperately hope it's not the case, but I sometimes think about at the Kim formal when Alyssa danced with that old photographer man, because she needs to schmooze and she needs to appeal to the media. Have there been other scenarios where she's had to... rub elbows... with prominent media figures? Has she been forced into anything heinous as a "payment" for getting her name, her group out there? I REALLY hope not because no matter what Alyssa has done, that's too vile for me. But considering the material Yujing has collected, considering the number of cases of sexual misconduct that's been covered up (that's been ENABLED when you think about it), the idea of Yui taking a girl and pushing her into such disgusting situations doesn't seem at all outside the scope of what we're dealing with.

In an old curiouscat post, quimchee was asked which characters are virgins and which aren't, and for Alyssa she used the 😬 emoji. It just feels... hmmmm. Obviously at the time no one was thinking deeper about this and took it as maybe Alyssa has cheated on Nol but... I can't help but worry that this response is more because we'll see something far darker than people were thinking. I hope I'm wrong! But!

that's why i like re-reading the first half of the formal a lot, those dynamics really come to light <3

Oh my gosh, SAME!!!!! I honestly can't remember when I started feeling shippy feelings towards Nol and Shinae, but I think the formal really played a big role in at least creating that foundation. There was just something about the way Shinae found herself seeking security in him, and how he was able to anticipate her wants and needs when Kousuke was unable to, it was the hospital scene showing the way Shinae thinks of others when Alyssa puts herself first, and the way that quietly impacted Nol. It was just seeing the ways that they just suit each other and somewhere along the way it made me go "oh no" lol when I realized the shippy feelings were starting lol. I know I've said it before so it really doesn't need repeating but they just feature so much of what I enjoy in a good pairing, the way they meet those needs and compliment each other, the way Shinae learned friendship by emulating him and turns it around on him. I would love them regardless if there was never any romance, but I'm also a sucker for a pairing that grows out of friendship like this because in so many ways they are what the other one wants and needs.

But we all know what a sucker I am for parallels, so it was only natural I would start to feel so strongly about them lol, that I would delight in them getting these cute little moments together. You are so right that they both have just been through SO much they deserve so much soft, so much warmth. They've had enough stress and excitement lol they just deserve something healing. Clearly we are nowhere near that unfortunately, but I really hope that in time we'll get to see Shinae - and Dieter and Soushi! - become some kind of safe spaces for Nol. Romance is well and good, but more than anything I want to see Nol accept that they are a safe space for him. I just. I LIKE SEEING THEM HAPPY! I WANT TO SEE THEM COMFORTABLE! I know safe is a long way away for them, but god I want to see pockets of safe space, moments of safe space. I want to see them taking refuge in each other I want to see them becoming that pillar of support to each other! This is so far off tangent lol but I've just been thinking and talking about them so much today, and the development of their relationship, the roadbumps they still face, and I just! Want! Them to find safety and comfort in each other ;~; ROARS

i'd actually be curious to know what you think dieter's role in all this is.

GOD I do think about this a LOT and wonder about it. Like, it's impossible to like two different people at once, so I don't want to discount that it's very possible for her to be attracted to both in different ways, but it's also worth exploring because this is so very new to Shinae. She doesn't really seem to have had any experience with this and while it's easy for her to admit when she finds someone hot - like Rand LMAO - that doesn't mean you LIKE someone, you're ATTRACTED to them.

I think Dieter IS a safe space for her, both because he's such an unproblematic person who is very respectful of her boundaries and because he already likes her. This is something I struggled with a LOT when I was younger - how do you know when you like someone vs when you like that they like you? Shinae is very weak to Dieter's affection for her. The "date" at the amusement park revealed this, with the whole don't look at me like that lol. But I do think Shinae's crush has to do with safety, and why I think they could have been SUCH a wonderful pairing (and look if they date I do look forward to it! I may be a Stalkyoo shipper but I acknowledge the ways that Dieter could be a good relationship for her if that was what she wanted). A funny thing about Dieter and Nol is that both of them make her feel special in different ways, it's just that Dieter is actually more open about it. I think she seeks that comfort and safety because her own life has been so tumultuous and they last thing she wants is a tumultuous relationship. And right, he's been this stable pillar for her when she needs it. Everything about them is so fluffy and cute and warm! That's why I have no issue shipping them as well!

I do wonder where he fits into all of this because LMAO FIRST OFF my poor cinnamon roll is RIGHT THERE LMAO Would he ever have had the guts to dance with her like that? He's so aware of his "inadequacies" when compared to Nol (or rather, Yeonggi) who came off so personable and charming and has this easy chemistry with her, and we know he isn't blind, he's observant as hell and he sees it. Is he sleeping? Or is he awake confirming something he was aware of all along? I used to think that Shinae and Dieter would date first, and that maybe he'd go to school back home in Germany (because he's always homesick it just feels to me like he might do that) but I also didn't expect to see Shinae and Nol dancing around their feelings so soon so I have to rethink everything I thought lol. I thought Shinae might run away from her growing feelings towards Nol, especially because he has a girlfriend, but now she knows a. that relationship isn't really one and b. she is doing the exact opposite she has cleaved on to him.

And right, like you said, the I care about her confession is already out there. I was musing to.... someone... somewhere.... lol I've been talking about this a lot lately, aaahhhh! Here it is! That as much as Shinae is obviously more drawn to Nol now that he's not putting on his Yeonggi front, with all those sharp edges, the Nol he has presented to her unsoftened, I wonder how much of it also stems from what he said to Lil Buddy. Is it that his admission that she means just as much to him as he does to her has stirred something in her? Part of what she was struggling so much with was that lack of closure, and now she knows what was eating her up inside - is that part of why she reacts so shyly to his gaze? Because she knows, because they have shared something so vulnerable with each other, she has literally shared her scar with him!

And in that manner, how does this compare to or differ from how she reacts to Dieter's feelings? I think she is more drawn to Nol, but that could just because of the circumstances. I think, if given a choice, she'd want to pick something safe, but that doesn't mean it's where her heart would lean, right? I don't think Shinae is ready to process what she feels towards Nol, but if Dieter is awake, would there even be an opportunity for that? I've wondered if he would do something dumb, like date her even knowing her unprocessed feelings, but that feels rather dramatic for who he is, doesn't it? That feels like a very typical second lead cliche and I don't think that's the sort of thing quimchee would want to write.

Man, I really SHOULD write that post because I clearly have more to say about it than I thought lmao.

the feelings are sprouting, but she can't quite process what's happening, and doesn't know what to do with herself just yet.

Even before getting 222, I was already thinking that Shinae definitely didn't know how to respond at first. I think... like yes there's a lot of unprocessed feelings happening and this is the closest she's ever been with Nol, physically. I wonder if she'd still be like this if she didn't know that he doesn't have feelings for Alyssa, if she'd still be very caught up in all of this, because I don't think she's acknowledging the feelings at this point. If anything, I think there's more surprise about this, because he's always respected that line she drew. She was the one who tried holding his hands that time. When she tried to feel if he had a fever he batted her hand away. Now, suddenly, he's literally leaning on her. I think, too, it's the circumstances. He was the one who made her get up for the dance, but suddenly he's burying his head against her shoulder - she knows something is wrong, but she can only assume it's a result of his injury. Maybe she's already wondering if he was hiding something, like his pain (because I don't think she realized yet that it was his feelings he's hiding).

But yeah I think it's very much that they're in uncharted territory, it's all so new to her. I would lol really love to be in her head later, whenever she does find herself thinking about this. What IS running through her head? What does she think of her inability to hold his gaze, of the way she's flushing and getting so flustered? Is she going to chalk it up to the intensity? Is she going be able to face it? alfjkakfjkafjaf

I wonder lmao if she'll figure out the resemblance to Rand or not. Like, Idk that scene is eternally funny to me, Rand's carbon copy just there in front of her, spewing his drink all over her alfjkafkjafjkafj LMAO I... I wish we had more scenes between Nol and Kousuke like that but. Kousuke :/ never really allowed them huh lol. I get so sad thinking about what they could have been, had Kousuke not been manipulated, had he not been driven to compete for love and affection. :(

Tumblr did NOT want to show me that link btw and I am SAD! TUMBLR PLS LET PEOPLE SEND ME LINKS PROPERLY EVEN ON ANON I WANT TO SEEEEE ;A; But also haha as always no need to apologize for long messages! I... clearly... am not good at reigning myself in either LMAO but that's fine because I love these discussions!!!! Thank you for always giving me something interesting to think or talk about! <3

Edit to add that @amuraas was able to paste the link for me and ;~; Listen I am not kidding when I say this made me cry. It is so perfect, you are right! That absolutely sums up my own feelings about love lol but especially the love between Nol and Shinae. That he could see in her what she was unable to see herself, and just the same, she stays at his side even in this darkest of times to reflect back to him what he's unable to see past. It's absolutely beautiful! One of the things I talk about a lot re: Stalkyoo is the mirroring, and how they can see in each other what they're unable to see in themselves and god this quote just GETS THAT SO WELL. Love is someone who brings out the best in you, but it's also someone who can see the best when you're unable to and god I want to howl about this foreverrrrrrrr. Thank you for finding and sharing that! And thank you again to @amuraas for tracking it down for me when tumblr refused to!

[septimusprime]

Book 54 Thoughts

It’s been a little over a week since I finished Reading Every Animorphs Book, and now that I’ve had some time to sit with it I wanna get some stuff out of my brain about book 54, and specifically about the “One Year Later” section.

I’m not here to say things should have turned out okay. They shouldn’t have. It would have been really weird and unsatisfying for a series that spent 60+ books saying “we are going to look at the reality of this war unflinchingly” to suddenly start pulling punches in the last book. 

But I think there is valid criticism to be made. Specifically, in the letter to the fans that KA wrote a year after the series wrapped, she said that she wanted to show different ways that war, and the transition from war to peace, affects different people. Which is a very cool thing to show! But I don’t think it’s really what we saw.

We saw three people (Cassie, Marco, Ax) who pretty much got on with their lives and two people (Tobias, Jake) who completely retreated into their grief and their guilt. I wish we had seen more of the unique ways that this war would have affected each of them, especially taking into consideration the arcs we’ve seen those characters take over the course of the rest of the series.

So here’s what I wish we had seen, or I guess my One Year Later headcanons for each character. (under the cut)

<Jake>

Jake’s motivation from the jump was to save/protect his family. After the war, we know he lives with his parents for a while. I wish we had seen him Trying Too Hard to be a Happy Family with them. Trying Too Hard to make it all have been worth it, and play the part of the Happy Son to fulfill the image in his head that he had been fighting for. If his breakdown at the Hague had come after a year of plastering a big fake smile on his face for everyone else’s sake it would have hit so much harder I think. The accusation that he should be on trial too, if it came after a year of him trying to convince himself and everyone else that “look it was all worth it we are all so much happier now!” would have been so much more gutting.

I would also have liked to have seen him dealing with the triangle he created between Eva, Peter, and Nora. Because that was extremely fucked up. I know it’s pretty safe to assume Nora didn’t make it through the war, but if she did. 

<Marco>

It makes a lot of sense that Marco would be the most able to be The Face for the Animorphs in the aftermath of the war. His personality lends itself to it. But what we’ve learned over the past 60+ books is that Marco’s class clown demeanor is a thin veneer over a steely cold core. I wish that had come through in his scenes. I wish we had seen him putting on an act and goofing for the public eye but then coming home to a very different private life. I think he and Jake would lean heavily on each other and that Marco would teach Jake about the difference between public and private life; that he doesn’t have to put on the show at home, or with him. It would take some convincing to get Jake to recognize that he’s even faking anything, but it would help.

Besides which it seems wild to me that he would have moved out on his own so quickly after finally getting his mom back.

For Tobias specifically, he worked so hard to save his mom. I think he does  continue to visit her and I think it’s Loren who finally starts to bring Tobias out of his grief because she starts asking questions about Elfangor. In trying to help her find answers he finds himself again. This is where it would have been really cool to see him bonding with Ax again and together, eventually, years down the line when he felt ready, becoming a human nothlit to leave the war fully behind him. More on that in Ax’s section.

<Tobias and Cassie>

I would have really liked to watch Tobias and Cassie develop a deep friendship and bond in their grief over Rachel. I liked Cassie’s One Year Later arc pretty well, and we know that she’s the only Animorph who knows where to find Tobias, but it would have been so good to actually see them bonding in the aftermath.

I think Ax becomes a figurehead on the Andalite homeworld for a cultural revolution that absolutely must take place after the war. Ax exposes their hypocrisies and instigates a lot of necessary change. And I think the culmination of Ax’s arc -- his being repeatedly forced to choose between his people of origin and his chosen people -- is him becoming a human nothlit, as a political statement. 

<Ax>

It’s absolutely wild to me to think, after everything Ax has learned about the Andalite military and everything he’s seen them do, that he just falls in rank. I absolutely need to see Ax reckoning with all of the aspects of Andalite society, and specifically Andalite military society, that he now sees clearly as being deeply fucked. 

I think he and Tobias make the decision years down the line. They morph to human and spend two hours doing something together. Something meaningful. Maybe they spend the two hours cleaning Rachel’s memorial or maybe they just spend it playing video games back in Ax’s old scoop near Tobias’ old meadow. But at the end of it they’re together, uncle and nephew, family.

Please don’t take this post too seriously. I’m not trying to say this is absolutely how it Should Have Gone or that I’m Definitely Correct. I’ve just been ruminating for the past week on all of this and needed to get it out of my head somewhere.

<The Animorphs>

The “morph therapy” scene at the Hague was amazing, but I wish anything had come of it. I wish that, in the moment huddled together on the beach, dripping wet in their morphing clothes, they had all realized that they need each other to make it through. It’s understandable that they splintered apart after the war, but I wish that that moment had bonded them back together. A lot is made of Tobias and Ax being each other’s shorm, but it seems like it in this moment they could realize that they are all shorm and they need to rely on each other. And I will recognize that this is largely selfish on my part, wanting to see these kids be happy for a MINUTE but. Well sue me I wanna see it.

[the-witty-pen-name]

Deadbeat Pt. 7

Lee Bodecker x F!Reader

18+ ONLY

Warnings: age gap (reader is 21), fluff, angst, cursing, abandonment, toxic parent, violence, toxic siblings, infatuation, cheating/divorce, insecurity, mild housewife kink, mentions of prostitution, mentions of alcohol, corrupt official, fake relationship, jealousy

Word Count: 2.5k

Summary: You work at the bar at the edge of town, the Sheriff is going through a divorce and needs to rent a room.

A/N:

IMPORTANT UPDATE

I made a Google form to be added to my taglists, so if you want to be added, the link is in my bio. I’ll only be adding people to the list if they requested to be added by filling out the form! This way all of the requests are just in one place so I don’t miss requests! Thank you!!!

I’m sorry for this chapter being shorter than normal, but it is more of a transitional chapter to set up some new stuff! I’m trying a new writing style in this chapter and this is why the word count is shorter. I’m nervous about posting this chapter honestly, since I tried something different. The following chapters will be back up to 3.5-4k as usual! This story is not over! 

Thank you all so much for reading and sharing my work. Everyone whose reached out and told me how much they love the story really makes my day, oh my gosh!! I love you all so much, I’m so thankful.

Address mentioned is completely made up. 

This is unedited, and I missed anything I should include as a warning let me know! I hope you all enjoy!

Tags and Requests are OPEN

Part One // Part Two // Part Three // Part Four // Part Five // Part Six

Lee never stopped telling you how much he loved you. At first, you had thought it was a spur of the moment exclamation but you were mistaken. When you realized he meant it, you reciprocated telling him you loved him too, making him the happiest man in the world. It all happened so fast, and your relationship was evolving quickly.

Maybe living together played a factor in how quickly the relationship progressed. It’s hard to just be dating someone you already live with and can’t take out on proper dates. It made everything else happen faster. He wished he could spoil you and take you to restaurants and walk into a room with you on his arm, but he couldn’t yet.

But from that moment on, he never stopped telling you. He said the phrase probably every moment he could manage. Every time he called from his office; he wouldn’t hang up without muttering the phrase. He’d tell you that he loved you before he left the house, or he’d just announce it unprompted when you both were home together, like it was some epiphany or declaration. He’d love to whisper it to you, especially at night with you pulled tightly to his chest.

He made sure he’d tell you in nonverbal ways as well, always letting you know he was thinking about you. Somehow, you’d end up with flowers on your desk at work at least once a week as well, never with a card. He’d cook, and on his days off, he’d spend them with you or he would surprise you by fixing things on the house. Never in a million years had you ever expected Lee Bodecker to be such a romantic, and when you’d joke about it, he’d say,

“You give me a reason to be, doll.”

It was thrilling, having someone to love and to have those feelings reciprocated. The ability to just be able to give and receive love was something he was never able to manage, perhaps it was just never the right person, or perhaps he had always been too selfish.

Now for the first time in a very long time, he wasn’t thinking about himself.

You gave him purpose and something worth fighting for.

“When this whole thing is over and we’re out of this town, I’m gonna marry you,” he said rubbing your arm as you lay in bed cuddled up to his side. You lay your arm across his tummy and rest your head on his chest. You hum in agreement, resting your eyes, both of you waking up earlier than you needed and you were enjoying the peaceful moment of the morning together.

“I hate seeing you with that Russel kid,” he’ll mutter, possessively pulling you closer, you could feel the vulnerability in his voice.

The past weeks have been really hard on Lee. It bothered him more and more each day, knowing Arvin was the one who got to drive you home from work and just being out and about with you. He knew you were his, and he never didn’t trust you. But you were so blind to the boy’s obvious feelings for you. It was something that would eat at him at night.

He couldn’t even blame you, if Arvin was able to sweep you away from him. Arvin was a good kid- took care of his family, worked a decent job, went to Church, and he was your age. He was much better looking in the traditional sense than Lee as well. Plus, you had a history. The boy was your first love and no one forgets their first love.

He knew you didn’t look at Arvin the same way Arvin looked at you, but he was always worried that a shift could come. If that damned reporter wouldn’t leave town and the more time you spent with Arvin, the more you’d see how much you’d actually want to be with him instead. You always told Lee he was the one you wanted and he believed you, but he worried that you would change your mind. He was so insecure, and he felt guilt, and he knew that he didn’t deserve to be happy, that he didn’t deserve your affection.

Sometimes he couldn’t let himself relax. Scenarios of all the different reasons you could leave him for polluted his mind and he hated how it took him out of being in the moments he just wanted to enjoy. He’d see you in his mind, happy with Arvin, marrying him instead and creating all those experiences with Arvin instead of him.

“He’s just my friend,” you reiterate, probably now for the millionth time. You were patient, and it never seemed to bother you, that the two of you ending up having this same conversation over and over. He needed the constant reassurance, and he hated the fact that he did.

“I want you, Lee,” you’ll mumble affectionately, trying to shower him with compliments and praise, to lift him up when he got down like this. “I don’t want any other man,” you’d affirm.

“This town is poison,” Lee mutters, looking out the window, the blinds pulled back as the sun is steadily rising. “Everything feels like it’s tainted,” he observes.

“Except us,” you correct him. He nods, but he knows his statement especially applies to him.

“Except you,” he sighs, his fingertips tracing circles on your bare shoulder.

“You don’t think you’ve ruined me, Sheriff?” you tease, making him smile, gradually pulling him out of his state. You’d lean up and kiss him, and the sensation would help his thoughts fade away for a few minutes. The feeling of your lips and soft skin against his own just putting his mind at ease, using his other senses to just keep his mind at bay.

He’s not sure if you realize how much he means it when he talks about escaping away from the town and marrying you. He thought about it all the time and it was what he was working toward. He knew even if he managed to go straight, if when Curtis left town, if the case around your mom was resolved, the town would still eat you up. The image of you both would be sullied. Reputation was crucial for survival in a town like this. You’d already been subjected to it before your relationship started.

He knew the solution was simple. He needed to take you away from Ross County, move to a new town where no one knew you both. It would just be a Sheriff and his new bride looking for a place to settle down. No rumors, or peeping eyes, or reporters, or exes, no corruption- just the two of you. Get a house, maybe start a family if you wanted that too.

He hoped you did. He’d be content either way, but he wanted a big family. His growing up was much less than ideal and it was just him and his sister. He loved the idea of a bigger family. He loved the image of having a house that was loud in a different way than what he grew up in. He often worried if he’d be a good father, but he never once doubted how excellent of a mother you would be if you wanted.

The only thing he wanted in his future was you, and everything else would be a blissful bonus of things he also doesn’t deserve. But to him you deserved the world and he simultaneously wanted to give you everything but then at the same time he felt like he would hold you back. You were young and had so many good years ahead of you. He couldn’t imagine you’d want to waste the rest of your life or even the rest of your twenties with him.  

You could get a job doing anything you wanted and he could run for Sheriff in the new town maybe, or he could do something else. It didn’t matter to him anymore really. The time he’s been with you has really helped him see what is actually important. It was the only thing he wanted. He wanted to be able to give you that because he knew that you deserved it and more than he’d ever be able to give you.

Laying in bed with you on this lazy morning, reminded him of the last time he was there when you were still bartending. It was the first time that pesky day dream of his started. It was something a lot bigger now than it was then. He loved you, and he was relieved he could say it to you now, and he wanted to settle down. This backwards way the two of you got together was a mess but it was yours. He wouldn’t trade it for anything, but he knew he needed to make things right.

He had been so blind, for so long, and he finally started to feel like he could be someone he actually wanted to be.

All he needed was time and he could set it all straight.

***

Arrest of Pimp in Knockemstiff, Ohio Reveals Corruption of Town Sheriff

By: Henry Curtis

Sheriff of Ross County, Lee Bodecker, has been allegedly involved in the coverup of a local brothel, run by Leroy Brown. Brown and several of his associates were arrested on Wednesday night by local police for drug possession and possession of illegal firearms. As the group resisted arrest, there was a shoot out at a small bar in Meade, which was revealed to serve as a front for their operation. Seven men, including Brown, were arrested Wednesday night for questioning by the local police.

While giving his statement, Brown confessed to the charges and in hopes of a lesser sentence, cooperated with police and provided names of all involved in the underground prostitution ring. He provided the police with twelve names, including that of the local Sheriff Lee Bodecker and his sister Sandy Henderson, who has since also been apprehended by the local authorities.

Sandy Henderson was apprehended on Thursday morning, and made bail for $500 that Saturday. Henderson and her husband, both denied an opportunity to provide a statement. The pair only stated they will be promptly returning home and want to put this behind them.

Although there has been no release of his official statement as of yet regarding this alleged involvement, Bodecker was taken into custody the next morning, apprehended by his deputies from his home. Deputy Bill Thomas has since announced that the Sheriff will be subject to a trial in the near future, and for now faces an indefinite suspension from his post until his innocence has been proven. Deputy Thomas has also said that regardless of the outcome of the trial, Bodecker will be unable to run for reelection next term.

With this new development, it is also worth noting that the Sheriff is a tenant of (Y/N) (Y/L/N), the daughter of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker who is currently wanted by law enforcement for embezzling thousands from her husband Harvey Tucker’s company, Tucker Brokerage, and then fleeing with her sixteen-year-old son. When police arrived at her home Thursday morning to apprehend the Sheriff, deputies on scene took an official statement from (Y/L/N), where she denied knowledge of the Sheriff’s involvement in any of the alleged criminal activities nor any knowledge regarding her mother or brother’s whereabouts.

Woman Wanted for Embezzling Funds from Tucker Brokerage Arrested in Indiana

By: Henry Curtis

Former resident of Knockemstiff, Ohio, Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker was arrested in South Bend, Indiana yesterday morning before dawn. Being able to identify her as a wanted person, Este and Harold Turner, owners of the Sunnyside Motel where (Y/L/N)-Tucker had been staying for about three days prior to the arrest, notified the local authorities she was staying in one of their rooms. She also was accompanied by her sixteen-year-old son.

The boy’s older sister has now become the boy’s sole guardian and he has since returned to his hometown. According to the police, the boy was completely cooperative and they believe he had no knowledge of his mother’s crimes. In a statement given the night of the arrest, the boy told police he believed they were running from his step-father, as his mother insinuated, she had been a victim of domestic abuse. There is no evidence yet as to whether her statement is true, but there will be an investigation of husband, Harvey Tucker, to discover if this claim is true.

Both children of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker have not agreed to speak about their mother or the situation to anyone except police. Daughter, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), said when she arrived in Indiana to pick up her brother, seemed to only care about getting her brother home safely. Locals report she never asked to see her mother, and only focused on her brother.

As of now, (Y/L/N)-Tucker will remain in the custody of the South Bend Police until they are ready to transport her to Columbus, Ohio where she will face jail time and then eventually a trial.

Corruption in Knockemstiff High School Staff, Principal Arrested for Illegal Distilling- Sheriff Involved in Cover Up

By: Henry Curtis

Principal of local high school, Mark Cunningham, was arrested today after local police discover an illegal distillery on his residence. Police had retrieved a warrant to search Cunningham’s land after receiving an anonymous tip from a source close to the Principal.

Following his arrest, Cunningham admitted to the felony, but also claimed Ross County’s previous Sherriff, Lee Bodecker, had prior knowledge of the still, and in exchange for his silence, he demanded Cunningham offer a secretarial job at the high school to his landlord, (Y/N) (Y/L/N), who is the daughter of Estelle (Y/L/N)-Tucker, who recently was tried for embezzlement.

The vice-principal of the high school, Meredith Lively, has stepped forth as interim principal until the position can be filled, and ensured the press (Y/L/N) had been fired effective immediately, despite her claims of being unaware any such deal had conspired. Police have found no evidence to contradict (Y/L/N)’s statement, and in an official statement taken from Bodecker, he confirmed that it was part of the deal she not be made aware of the circumstances.

New Sheriff Elected to Ross County

By: Henry Curtis

Former Deputy Bill Thomas has been elected Sheriff of Ross County. Following the trial of former Sheriff Lee Bodecker, who had been found guilty of all charges, Bodecker was barred from office, and given a five-year sentence.

Deputy Thomas in an acceptance speech during a recent town hall meeting, ensured residents of Knockemstiff that “one bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bunch” and the Sheriff’s department under new control will keep the town safe, and clean of crime and corruption. When asked by reporters how he felt about Bodecker, Thomas only described his situation as “unfortunate.”

There has been no other evidence of corruption within Ross County Sheriff’s Department although the investigation is still ongoing. When asked during his trial if he received any corroboration from any other law officials, Bodecker stated he never involved other members of the force with his wrongdoings.

REAL ESTATE  

Room Available for Rent in Knockemstiff, Ohio

$50 monthly rent (utilities included)

1 Bedroom (250 sq. ft.), furnished

Private bathroom with shower

4 Birch Street

Knockemstiff, Ohio

Please call the following number with serious offers. Price negotiable.

PART EIGHT

Taglist

@scar-is-bi @jiminlife2k18 @asylummaniac01 @rosalynshields @charmed-asylum @jamesbuchananbuckybarnes1917 @alexandrathegreat3 @hersilencedscreams @malar-region @purplerain85 @vesper852 @smilewolfdolan @softshell-taco @champagnebucky @lilacmeadows @mollygetssherlockcoffee

[alisonsfics]

reconnected

pairing: shawn mendes x reader

request: “hello. i was wondering if you could write where y/n and shawn met at school or on vine or idk at a coffee shop. both of us were young new artists and bonded over that. as both of us start getting popular we lose contact. a few years later we decide to collab on a song and that rescinds a spark of friendship and maybe something. but of course, I wanted to at a bit of drama. while you try to catch up on, you know life, the paparazzi are sure you two are together, shawn's ex is stringing up trouble and all your friends and family keep on bothering you two about each other” - @iwishiwasyuri

word count: 2.7k

It had been a peaceful day. You had woken up early and started a day of productivity. You were currently drinking a cup of tea and replying to a few business emails.

It was peaceful. Birds were singing outside. It was early, and it felt like the world was not awake yet. This moment of serenity almost felt like the calm before the storm.

Then, your phone buzzed and shook your desk in the process. You were taken out of your thoughts.

You glanced down at the lit screen. You noticed a text message had popped up on your screen.

Woah.

You hadn’t seen that name in years.

Shawn.

Shawn Mendes.

You and Shawn had known each other for years. You both bonded over being singers and the rest was history.

You two had a beautiful story, much like a fairytale. The way you both met felt like a page out of a novel.

You had been at your local coffee shop, way before you had become successful in the music industry world.

It was back when you uploaded videos of yourself singing covers on YouTube. It was simple and seemed mediocre now, but at the time you loved it. You were singing all the time and it was your dream, even though you made virtually no money. You still loved it.

You jumped up into the seat at the high table. You pulled out your laptop to edit your most recent video. You sipped on your warm latte. It made you feel warm and cozy, as opposed to the freezing weather outside.

You plopped your headphones over your ears and started to edit the video. Within seconds, you heard a voice talking over your shoulder.

“So you’re a singer?” The voice asked. You jumped, almost managing to fall out of the chair. You felt a pair of strong arms catch you and keep you from falling.

Finally, you got a chance to look at the source of the voice. You had been prepared for it to be some creepy guy, but you were wrong.

So wrong.

The guy was cute and had the most perfect smile. You were speechless. You froze, and your brain shut off.

“Hi, uh sorry about that. I’m Shawn. It’s just, your headphones are unplugged. I was going to tell you and I realized it was you singing. I’m sorry I scared you” he said, kindly. You had to pinch yourself to realize this was all real. “I...uh hi. I’m Y/N. I was just zoned out, it’s not your fault. But hi, I’m Y/N” you rambled.

His smile made your stomach do flips. You felt like you were on a rollercoaster.

“Yeah, you said that already” Shawn said, chuckling. It was endearing. He wasn’t laughing at you, he was just amused by the cute girl who was stuttering over her words.

You didn’t know it then, but he thought you were adorable.

You thought the exact same thing about him.

The story went on. You two became great friends. You never got the courage to mention your little crush on him, but time went on.

As you both got busier, you started to drift apart. Eventually you just stopped talking. Any time you heard his songs on the radio or saw an article about him, it just pulled on your heart strings.

But now he was texting you.

Hey, Y/N. I know it’s been a while, well maybe longer than a while. It feels like forever. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up and talk. I really miss you

You were stunned. You could barely comprehend what you were reading.

It felt like a crazy dream, and you were about to wake up any second now.

You picked up your phone and tried to come up with a reply. It was harder than you thought it would be. How did you put years worth of feelings into just a few sentences?

Hi! It has been forever, I miss our late night runs for ice cream. I would love to hang out and catch up. I want to hear about all that I’ve missed. I hope you’re doing well!!

You pressed send and your heart leaped out of your chest. You could hear your heart thumping in your ears.

As you sat there waiting for a reply, it felt like years. In reality, it was probably five minutes.

Then, your phone dinged.

Awesome! You want to come over to my place in like an hour?

You almost jumped out of your chair. You couldn’t believe you were finally going to see Shawn after all these years. You sent a quick reply and then headed to your closet to get dressed.

You grabbed some clothes to change into and then proceeded to change your outfit four more times. Finally, you had settled on the best option. You checked the clock and saw that it was time to go.

You grabbed your phone and your keys and then headed to Shawn’s apartment.

You found yourself outside his front door, unable to move. You wanted to pick up your hand and knock on the door, but you couldn’t. Every time that you got close, you chickened out.

It had been years since you had seen Shawn. What if he changed? What if he didn’t like you anymore? What if you embarrassed yourself?

Every time another one of thoughts popped in your head, it became harder to try to knock on that door.

You took a deep breath and tried to still your shaking hands. You felt a small moment of confidence. Before it went away, you quickly knocked on the door.

Your pulse quickened. You felt the extreme urge to just run away. Before you could do that, the door opened.

There he was.

He looked different in person. Magazines and social media had been the only place you saw him for years. Now, three feet in front of you, you were almost shocked that he was three dimensional.

“Hi” was all you get out.

You were absolutely frozen.

“Hey” he said, slowly. He seemed to also be at a loss for words.

You looked him up and down, taking in all of his features. His hair was longer now. His shoulders were broader and he was so much more muscular now.

You were almost drooling over his arms in the tight shirt. Your lingering gaze left his body and you met his eyes.

Small smiles appeared on both of your faces. He grabbed your hands and pulled you into a hug. His tight embrace was comforting. His strong arms around you made your heart swoon.

After a while, you both pulled away. Once again, you couldn’t get rid of the grin on your face. “So how have you been?” He asked, looking into your eyes.

You started to tell him about major changes in your life that he had missed. While you were talking, his hand naturally slipped into yours. He gave your hand a reassuring squeeze as you spoke.

Your heart was racing at the speed of sound. It felt like a dream. There was no way you could really be standing in front of Shawn after all these years.

“It’s so good to finally see you again. I’ve actually been wanting to ask you something” Shawn said, after you finished talking. You were immediately intrigued, but also worried.

“And what is that?” You asked, rocking back and forth on your feet. “I was wondering if you would want to collab on a song sometime. I really love your music, and it would awesome to work with you” he told you, honestly.

You were taken aback. “I would love to. Is that why you invited me? To use me for monetary gain?” You teased him, giggling. He chuckled and shook his head. “No, that’s not why I wanted to see you again” he said, with a certain sparkle in his eyes.

You started gazing into his eyes, and it became harder and harder to stop. You didn’t notice, but you both started to step closer together. What you did notice was Shawn carefully placing his hand on your waist. He did it so lightly that you almost thought you imagined the lingering touch.

Before you both started to lean in, there was a loud commotion outside the front door. You both quickly jumped away like teenagers caught doing something mischievous.

Shawn sighed and headed towards the door to check who it was. He looked through the peephole and then quickly backed up. You were confused by his urgency.

“Who is it?” You asked, curiously. He didn’t answer you right away. He walked over to a wall and quickly closed the curtains. “The paparazzi are here” he said, walking back over to you.

“Well then I guess you’re stuck with me until they leave” you said, smiling as you walked over to the couch. You plopped down on the couch, and Shawn joined you seconds later.

“So do you want to watch a movie because you’re going to be stuck here?” He asked you, grabbing the remote.

You nodded and leaned your head on his shoulder. He didn’t expect you to do it, but he leaned into your touch. He pressed play on a movie and then put his arm along the back of the couch.

Slowly, as the movie continued, his arm moved from the couch to your shoulders. The way he transitioned was so natural, like he was used to having his arm around you. It felt good, and was definitely something you could get used to.

The movie became dull, and you glanced up at Shawn. You found yourself admiring his features as he watched the screen.

Then he caught you.

He looked down into your eyes. You felt your cheeks heat up as you were caught. “Hi you” he said, sweetly. You just smiled and then cuddled further into his side.

“Hey wait. I wanted to ask you about something?” Shawn said, pausing the movie.

You looked back up at him. It was hard to not smile. You always felt happy when you were around Shawn.

“So, I know that we haven’t seen each other in years, but there’s been something I’ve always wanted to tell you. Since the day we first met, I have—” Shawn started to say before he was interrupted.

Your phone loudly started ringing. It distracted you from what he was saying. You glanced down at your phone. It was your mom calling.

“I’m so sorry. It’s my mom, I have to take this” you said, apologetically setting one of your hands on Shawn's. He nodded. He was always so understanding.

You quickly answered the phone. Before you could say hello, your mom started interrogating you.

“Are you and Shawn finally together?” She asked, very quickly. You were taken aback by the question and also how fast she had asked that. “Uhh...no. Why would you think that?” You asked her, confused.

“The pictures are everywhere. It’s you walking into his house, and there’s a picture of you two hugging. All the tabloids are saying you two are together. I know that I shouldn’t trust tabloids, but I’ve always wanted you two to date. You are both so great together. Plus, he’s very handsome. So, you have good taste” your mom rambled, only stopping when she ran out of breath.

“Woah woah woah. Slow down. I promise you, Shawn and I are not dating” you assured your mom. Only then, Shawn started to listen to what you were saying. He had been trying not to listen or eavesdrop, but you were right next to him.

He just smirked at you. You saw it and rolled your eyes at him, as you tried to hold back from laughing.

Eventually, your mom said she believed you and hung up the phone. “I’m sorry about that. She started listening to the tabloids” you explained to him. He chuckled as he looked at his own phone. “That’s okay. All my friends are texting me about it too” he told you, smiling.

“Well then I guess you’re stuck with me as your fake girlfriend” you said, sticking your tongue out at him. He put his arm around you and then you leaned your head on his shoulder. “I’ve missed you” he said, softly.

You started to trace shapes on the back of his hand. “I’ve missed you too” you said, at the same volume.

You felt Shawn kiss your temple and you felt the heat rush to your face.

“So what were you going to ask me before?” You asked him, giving him your full attention. Just as he was about to tell you, there was a loud knocking at the front door.

Shawn groaned and then stood up. He walked over to the door. He looked through the peephole and just sighed.

“Hang on a minute” he said to you. Then, he opened the door. You couldn’t see the door from where you were sitting. “Hey there sweetheart” you heard a girl say, and your blood ran cold.

Did Shawn have a girlfriend? You had never even brought it up. You felt so stupid. Of course he had a girlfriend. It had been years. You had been sitting here hoping he would make a move, but he was taken. He was gorgeous, any girl would be lucky to date him.

“Ashley. What do you want? We broke up. Stop acting like it didn’t happen” Shawn said, sternly. It threw you even farther off guard. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, but it seemed like Shawn was actually single.

“I just saw on Twitter that coffee shop girl was here before. If you are dating, I want you to know that you can do better. I’m still single and you know I’m hotter than her. Just come here and kiss me so all those paparazzis will know you’re mine again” you heard Ashley said.

You felt disgusted listening to her talk. She was being really rude to both you and Shawn. “Goodbye Ashley. Go ruin somebody else’s day” Shawn said, closing the door.

He walked back over to you. He looked defeated. “So that was...?” You asked. “My ex-girlfriend. I know, bad idea” he said. You didn’t know what to say.

Shawn cursed under his breath. He looked furious. You stood up and walked over to him. “Hey it’s okay. It’s no big deal. We’ll just move on. You don’t have to worry about it” you said, trying to console him. You didn’t know why he was so upset of all a sudden.

“No, it’s not okay, Y/N” he snapped at you. You jumped away from him. You visibly flinched. His eyes softened when he saw you back away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted, it’s not your fault” he said, hanging his head low.

“It’s just— I’ve tried to kiss you three times today, or at least just tell you how I feel. Every time that I try, something gets in the way. I haven’t seen you in years and I just want get this off my chest. I feel like we have something special. I don’t know if you feel it too, or I’m just crazy. I really just want to kiss you, but I’m afraid something will get in the way if I try” he confessed.

You were shocked. This was the last thing you expected him to say. You had always wished that your connection was more than just friends, but you had always second guessed it. You always assumed that you were just making it up.

“Well, there’s nothing stopping you now” you said, coyly. He quickly looked up to meet your eye contact. He looked unsure, so you made the first move.

You walked towards Shawn and placed your hands on his chest. “What are you waiting for?” You asked him. That was all the clarity he needed.

He instantly connected your lips and wrapped his arms around your waist. It felt perfect. That sounds cliche and unrealistic, but the mixture of years of feelings and yearning made the perfect combination.

You both pulled away and couldn’t look away from each other’s eyes. “I guess I should call my mom back and tell her I lied” you said, giggling.

taglist: @laurakirsten0502 @miraclesoflove @nathaliabakes @millipop18 @azghedaheda @shyinadarkplace @ashwarren32 @impossibleapricotlampbat @lukes-orange-beanie

Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist for all my imagines or for a specific character/fandom!!

Requests OPEN

[avengerscompound]

The Tower: Happily Ever After - 5

The Tower: Happily Ever After An Avengers Fanfic

Series Masterlist | Character Refrence PREVIOUS //

Pairing:  Avengers x OFC, Bruce Banner x Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton x Wanda Maximoff x Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff x Tony Stark x Thor x Sam Wilson x OFC (Elly Cooper)

Word Count: 1601

Warnings:  Pregnancy

Synopsis: Almost 40 years after Elise Cooper first crashed into Natasha Romanoff outside the library at Columbia University, she and the Avengers are adapting to a near-immortal life together with their large brood of children.  Yet things aren’t perfect.  Life is moving on without them and they’re starting to discover who isolating being immortal can be.When Angela comes and asks Thor to take the throne of Asgard once more, the group leaves Earth in the hopes that they will find their Happily Ever After there.

Chapter 5: Farewell to Our Old Life

It was kind of strange how little there was to organize for us regarding our move.  There was packing, but we couldn’t exactly hire a moving truck so it needed to fit in bags that we could carry or it had to stay behind.  That was difficult.  We had had a long time to collect a lot of things we considered precious to us.  The glass artwork that Thor and I had inadvertently made on our honeymoon was the thing I wished we could bring the most.  It would stay in the fountain in the entry and hopefully, we’d come back sometimes and see it.

Thankfully, most of our things were fairly portable.  We also wouldn’t need a lot of clothes because Asgard would provide things more fitting for the palace, and it’s not like we would need any furniture.  Mostly it was just personal effects and tech that Tony wanted to use there.

Other than that it was just letting the doctors know I was leaving, pulling Marya out of school, and organizing the party.

It was still leaning on the stressful side though - especially considering we were still waiting to hear what the rest of the kids were going to do.

Even though Rose and Paul had appeared closest to deciding to come, it was Billy and Teddy who came back to us first with a yes.  They had also said they wanted to do a bonding ceremony when we were there, which added another level of excitement and another level of stress.

Rose and Paul came next.  They said that they would try it out and see.  The concern about their children’s lifespan was a big issue for them, but Paul also said he’d be crazy to give up at least trying to live on Asgard as actual royalty.

As expected it was Eddie who took the longest to decide.  He really did love his job, and I think even with his talk about having children, he, Lyra, and Rory were still right into the rich, young party lifestyle.  He was worried about what they’d lose going to Asgard, rather than focusing on the things he might gain. 

No one pressured him though.  Any questions the three had were answered as honestly as we could and if we didn’t know we’d send word back to Asgard and Loki would come and give the answers they were looking for if at all possible.  Eventually, he decided that he’d give it six months for us to settle and make sure things with Stark Industries and the Avengers was transitioning smoothly given our sudden departure, and then he and his family would join us there to try it out.  He mentioned maybe doing six months on each planet or returning to Earth for a month or two every year, but we were all just glad he was willing to try it out, and his delayed departure from Earth was a good idea.  He even promised to come and visit when his new siblings were born.

When our goodbye party began, the whole family was excited for this new chapter in our lives and sad to say goodbye to the last.

Many of our friends were elderly or had passed on, so the party was going to be a mixture of different people.  Clarke was still around, though Jax had passed a few years ago.  We’d lost Rhodey and Fury, though Hill was still running the day-to-day operations of the Avengers, even in her old age, and Coulson had retired after years as successfully being director of SHIELD.  Vision was the same as ever, and people often came to him for direction when it came to the Avengers.  Carol also hadn’t changed though she still spent more time in space than on Earth.  A lot of the people we had met that had seemed so young when we met them, were all not officially middle-aged.  Even Peter Parker who was only fifteen when I met him was now pushing fifty and had a wife and daughter of his own.

They would all be at the party, including a lot of the new Avengers lineup.  Most of whom were much heavier hitters than any of us, even when we were wielding Mjolnir.  It was definitely going to be sad to say goodbye.

“It’s going to be okay, you know?”  Wanda said, snapping me out of my mini-trance as she ran a brush methodically through my hair.

“No, I know,” I said, tilting my head back.

“Then tell your brain that,” she teased.

I giggled and leaned up and pecked her lips.  “I’m sorry.  I would if I could.  Just hormones I guess.  Feeling stressed.”

“Well, stop it,” she scolded playfully.  “It’s bad for the babies.”

She began to braid my hair and I hummed as her fingertips grazed over my scalp.  “Imagine it though, Elly,” Wanda said.  “All the kids nearby - the new babies.”

“You’re a baby-oholic,” I said, laughing softly.

“It’s true,” she says.  “I am.”

She ran a hand around my side and pressed it on my stomach.  “I can’t wait to meet them,” she said.  “They already have such busy thoughts.”

I looked up at her and I’m not sure whether it was the look of pure and complete love in her eyes or the way the light caught in her hair, but I was struck by how beautiful she was and how much I loved her.  She smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead.  “I love you too,” she said and picked up a strand of silver wire with black opal and threaded it into my hair.  “All done.”

I stood carefully and straightened out the skirts on my blue lace cocktail dress.  “How do I look?” I asked.

“Perfect as always,” she said.  “Let's go say goodbye to our friends.”

We made our way down to the party deck where the party was only just starting up.  Bruce, Steve, and Clint were all already there, but there was no sign of Tony, Natasha, Clint, Sam, Thor, or Bucky.

Some of our kids were there and their kids all played out in the garden atrium that was built on the protruding wing of the tower and the party deck opened out into.  I greeted everyone and as I made my way around the room more people arrived.

Clarke came over and tapped me on the shoulder.  I turned and smiled, hugging her tightly.  She had aged well, not as well as I had obviously, but while her face was lined and she was a little frailer looking, she had kept in good shape and she continued to color her hair.  It would be easy to think she was in her early fifties rather than her mid-seventies.  Her eyes were what gave it away.  What had once been vivid violet had faded to pale lavender and were slightly cloudy.  They were heavily lined at the corners, the years having carved deep crevices to mark each time she was happy or sad or angry or worried.  It was still my Clarke though and I was going to miss her.

“I can’t believe you’re not going to be here when these two are born,” she said, indicating to my stomach as we pulled apart.  She was one of the select group of people I would be totally fine with touching my stomach unasked - but she never assumed.  “Where am I going to get my baby kisses from?”

I laughed and shook my head.  “I guess you’ll have to visit me on Asgard.”

“You can do that?”  She asked.

“I mean… I’m the Queen.  I think I can pull some strings,” I teased.

She laughed.  “God, thinking of you as a Queen is such a trip.”

“Hey Auntie Clarke,” Billy said, appearing behind us.  “I haven’t seen you for a while.”

Clarke hugged him and looked around.  “It’s been too long.  Where are those kids of yours.”

“Come on, I’ll take you to them,” he looked over at me and narrowed his eyes.  “You go sit down, mom.  You know you’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

“I am taking it easy,” I argued, holding up my hands.  “I’m just standing here.”

“Go on,” he said.  “Don’t make me page Dad Tony.”

“Heaven forbid,” I laughed and he wrinkled his nose at me and led Clarke out to the atrium.  I got myself a little plate of appetizers and a glass of punch and went and took a seat.

It wasn’t long until the whole room was teeming with people.  The Avengers had gotten to be a rather large collection of people since the original six had been reluctantly dragged together all those years ago.  Having so many of the people who meant so much to all of us here at the same time couldn’t help but make me think about how I’d first joined this group that would one day be my family.

All those years ago I had been a traumatized woman in her mid-twenties, just trying to get by.  I didn’t have many good friends, because it took a lot for me to trust people.  It took a superhero to get through and with her, so many other people flooded in after.  I was so grateful to them, and so in love with each of them to this day.  It would be hard letting this life of ours go, but it was inevitable.  I still had my 9 chosen people though, and I always would.  I was glad to be taking this next step with them at my side.

// NEXT

[losingitinjersey]

We’re going to ......................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................ ........................................................................................................... Philadelphia!

Say what?!  Definitely not a location we anticipated or even really considered going to which is what makes Match Day all the more exciting!  You never really know where you’ll end up!!  

But FIRST, we’ll spend this next year locally for his intern year and move in spring/summer of 2022 to go to Philly for the next four+ years!  While this program was much further down on his rank list than we anticipated dropping to, it was still in the middle and we’re really excited about this next adventure!!  Neither one of us have ever been to Philadelphia before but everyone we mention this to always has some kind of connection to the place and they’re all positive stories!  It’s also important to note that I’ll be less than 3 hours from my sister and only an hour and a half from @zerocarb!!!

The great thing about this set up is it gives us a year to get familiar with the idea and we can spend our time finding a home to buy or rent in a good neighborhood before going.  It’s also close enough (5 hours) that we can drive and look at places in advance so we don’t have to buy/rent something sight unseen.  

The not so great thing about our current situation is that even though we’re staying local, we still need to move out of our current home asap because the landlord is in full swing ready to sell.  Like, is listing the home next Friday (my birthday) with showings starting on April 1st.  Super lame.  

Now that we FINALLY know what’s happening, I spent all of Friday night searching the area trying to find acceptable homes to rent as quickly as possible.  Most of the rentals aren’t available until May 15th or June 1st which definitely isn’t fast enough.  Friday night I contacted four properties and have only heard back from two (but at least I’ve heard from two!)  Thankfully, one of the places who I’ve been in communication with is my current top choice.  While it’s not as nice as some of the other places, the cost is more reasonable and the commute is FAR better for Kevin (went from 35 minutes to the hospital down to 10 minutes).  We have a tour scheduled for Tuesday at 3:30 p.m. to see this home.  We already submitted a rental application in advance just to help move the process along since we’d love to sign a lease starting April 1st (you know, TWELVE DAYS from now) so we can gtfo before people start touring the home.  

Before the call with my landlord this afternoon to fill us in on their timing, I had no idea we’d be saying goodbye to this home we adore so quickly.  I *knew* it was coming but it’s always hard to reach an ending.  I’m not a fan of change and, boy oh boy, is change all around us right now (new job, new home, new city, new baby).  

It’s interesting, I’ve been so focused on the excitement and what it means, looking up houses and just being on full blown planning mode (yes, of course I made a spreadsheet with 11 categories all ranked by preference, price and distance) I haven’t really had time to process.  This morning I had a song stuck in my head so I decided to play it to fully enjoy it and the next thing I knew, two seconds into the song, I was sobbing.  Not sad tears by any means, but just letting go.  Mourning the loss of this home, my walking route, my neighbors, my grocery store, everything I’ve cultivated and loved the last four years.  The song?  Take A Chance on Me, by ABBA :) Not really a song that should elicit such emotion.  It was good though, healing.  

In other news, my mom is here :) Not my dad, sadly.  He got "a little bug” from his recent 10-day trip to Haiti that he took to do some mission work.  Whhhyyyy he went to Haiti the day after getting his second vaccination dose and returning only four days before his trip out here is beyond me. Stupid, big-hearted man. Hopefully he’ll feel better soon so he can join my mom sometime this week.  My mom only just arrived at 5 p.m. tonight so the 30 minutes she got to spend with erp was just so precious.  We weren’t sure how erp would react to finally seeing the person she video chats with every day in person but she was so freaking pleasant and charming and just GOOD for her.  I can’t wait to see how they’ll interact together tomorrow!  

Speaking of tomorrow, we’re going to an open house for another house I’m not that into (but I need options just in case).  While we’re on the peninsula we’ll drive by the house we applied for and a few others I’ve identified.  It’ll be a nice trip for Kevin and I while my mom and erp hang.  

To make a long post even longer... Backtracking to yesterday (seems so long ago), Match Day was amazing.  This really is the most important day of a med student’s entire four years - way more so than even graduation.  I’m glad we opted to do the in-person option.  Seeing all the faculty SO freaking stoked to celebrate Kevin, congratulate him and just cheer over my husband was so inspiring.  I actually teared up a lot from being so overwhelmed with the appreciation and affirmation he was receiving (thank goodness for the mask covering half my contoured face).  

What was equally special was that he got to show off erp for the first time.  Holding her with such pride as he strutted through the lines of faculty and volunteers.  Having people oooh and awwhh over her is an experience we rarely get to have in this covid world.  Apparently erp was clinging so tightly to him!!  She’s never been around so many people, lights, sights and sounds before.  She didn’t cry or make a fuss at all but definitely clung to home base.  

We celebrated by picking up cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and reveled in the exciting news of the day.  We keep stopping each other and exclaiming, “We’re going to Philly!”

All in all, we’re excited!  We’re stressed.  We’re taking action and leaning on each other.  Looking forward to this transition part to be over but trying to enjoy the journey while we’re on it.  Thank you for riding along with us :)

[bau-baby]

the ultimate loss. 2/?

aaron hotchner x gn!reader

Summary: While you and Aaron are grieving the loss of Haley, an untimely realization comes up on your part after a night of consolation. Will anything come of it?

word count: 3k

warnings: grief, loss

A/N: Holy cannoli I am so sorry for how long this second installment took me!! Also the ending seems kind of rushed and it’s not the greatest, sorry! Now, onward with the story! 

read part one here

It has only been a few months since Haley’s service, and you have been at a loss. Ever since the time you and Aaron had together on that patio, something changed. Something that you couldn’t really put a finger on. Neither of you addressed it for fear of messing with things you weren’t ready to face. So you both did what you do best: ignore it.

You’ve filled your time with hours on the job, Aaron has been doing the same. You both merely dance around one another, not allowing your colleagues to pinpoint or figure out what happened. And if you were honest with yourself, you weren’t either. Hell, you weren’t sure Aaron knew what was going on, and he is one of the best profilers you have the pleasure of knowing. 

It’s another late night, early morning at Quantico. You’re burning the candle at both ends, losing sleep by the day. You blame it wholly on losing a friend, and sure that was the big, main reason, but you also know it’s a ploy to throw whatever it is that’s happening with you and Aaron out the window for a time.

After-action reports fill your time as the coffee keeps getting brewed and your pen isn’t running out of ink anytime soon. And you always love to think that this is your time away from Aaron, when in reality he’s right up the stairs, hunched over his desk just as you are. You saved your glances for when your hand got cramped or you needed a refill on coffee. What you don’t see was the glances he’d send your way while you were engrossed in the paperwork. 

You normally end up staying late at the office since you have a tendency to take some of the extra files from Aaron as well as the team so they could get home quicker.

You finish up a majority of your reports just before midnight, opting to take the unfinished ones home. You gather your finished files, making the short walk up to Aaron’s office before knocking. You hear him faintly say “It’s open,” and open the door.

“Hey Aaron, just wanted to drop these files off before heading home for the night. If you-” Your words die in your throat as you finally look at Aaron much closer. His eye bags were getting worse, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. “Are the nightmares still happening, Aaron?”

He knows there’s no use in lying, especially to you. He nods as he presses his pointer and middle finger to his temple, trying to alleviate the dull headache that hasn’t left him in so long. It was one of the only constant things in his life, outside of Jack and you.  With the headaches and the nightmares saddled on top of the grief, he hasn’t had true peace in months.

You tentatively take a seat at his desk and wait him out. You know that once he feels like talking, he will. He takes his time, twiddling his pen in between his thumb and pointer finger.

“I miss her. I left her at home with Jack almost every day, I was never there for his appointments or for his big milestones. I forced her to be a single mom when I could have easily just been there. I-” He stops, and you can see his eyes are brimmed with tears. You swallow the lump forming in your throat.

“Aaron, she loved you-” He scoffs, “-No, she really loved you. It tore her to pieces when she left, she just reached a point where she had to put Jack’s needs first. She still cared for you. The call I got the day you were admitted into the hospital told me enough,” You look down at your hands, trying to find the words, “You’re a great dad, Aaron. You do your best and right now that’s all anyone can ask for.” 

Aaron lets out a huff of breath and leans back in his chair. He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to lessen the pulsing headache still fully present. You only hope that your words made a difference, and you start to get up to leave.

“Wait. Please don’t go. I- I can’t stand being alone here anymore,” The admission makes your heart swell while simultaneously hurting for the broken man, and you settle back into your seat. Maybe finishing up the rest of your reports in the company of a friend wouldn’t be so bad after all.

-----

The late nights you and Aaron were pulling to keep each other company quickly transitioned to going home early to see Jack, still keeping each other’s grief at bay. Didn’t help that Jack was the sweetest kid on the planet, and one you definitely couldn’t say no to.

There were days where Aaron would just break down away from the watchful eyes of his son. He wanted to remain strong and not worry the young boy, but he knew Jack was hurting too, just as you were. Even if he was vulnerable with you at times, he still kept some walls up and held some feelings to his chest.

And Aaron would never tell you, but some days it was hard to even be in that apartment. The wall has been long since repaired, the bloodstains lifted from the carpet. But that didn’t remove the nightmares that haunted him every time he came home.

He could never forget the acrid smell of Foyet’s breath as he continuously taunted him, the knife driving into his abdomen. He couldn’t forget the fleeting memories that he surrounded himself with, a hopeful yet useless distraction as he was bleeding out on his apartment floor.

He couldn’t forget Foyet’s smile, his laugh that haunted Aaron’s deepest nightmares. 

Foyet’s words would come to him in flashes, always coming back to remind him of everything he lost.

“Do you know how much you have to study the human body to stab yourself repeatedly and not die? I don’t want to brag but I’m somewhat of an expert.”

The humor Foyet found in what he was saying was not ever lost on Aaron.

He always felt the ghost of the knife, cold metal gracing his abdomen that was slowly losing heat due to the blood blossoming around his still body.

“Do you wanna see my scars?”

The image of Foyet’s mangled abdomen was stamped into his brain, a fateful image that spoiled his sleep every night.

“Yours are gonna look just the same.”

And that they did. Aaron hated the scars that riddled his chest, the raised, gnarled skin always a reminder of his failure. He not only failed Haley, but his son that he swore to protect and give a good life. He ripped the life away from both of them. Haley would never see what Jack would become, and Jack would never remember the woman who gave her life to protect him.

No matter how much he trusted you, there was still that wall that held him back from telling you all of this. His rational brain told him that you’d help him work through it, but his trauma-riddled brain told him that he’d end up overwhelming you, even though you both lost the same person, she just had different emotional ties to both of you.

That call that you listened in on while racing to Fairfax was imprinted in your brain. You’d continually tried to tell yourself that you couldn’t change anything that happened, that you couldn’t save Haley. You couldn’t give Jack his mom back, and you couldn’t bring back Aaron’s closest friend. 

You knew it wasn’t right to blame yourself. You knew that Foyet had fooled all of you. That didn’t stop you from taking the blame, forcing yourself to relive the worst moment in your career, just to subject yourself to something you felt you could have prevented.

Jack wouldn’t have any memories of his own mother. You would just plant four years’ worth of stories as he grew up, telling him tales of how strong his mother was, and how she was the best thing that happened to his father.

Maybe these similar trains of thought are what led you to be knocking on Aaron’s door late at night. And maybe, that’s what led him to answer.

“Y/N? It’s so late, what’re you doing here?” The opened door revealed a distraught yet cozy Aaron, floppy hair and eye bags in all.

“Can I, uh, can I come in?” You remain composed, trying to regulate your breathing before you possibly could fly off the handle.

“Yeah, of course. Are you alright?” 

Now isn’t that the question of the hour, Aaron Hotchner? You aren’t really sure what you feel, so instead of answering, you walk over to his couch and sit. 

Aaron trails in behind you, two cups of coffee in his hand. You accept the cup, the ceramic mug already bringing life back into your hands. Aaron sits on the other side of the couch assuming the same position you are: a blank, grief-filled stare aimed at the table in front of you. The only sign of either of you being cognizant is your periodic sniffles. You don’t even realize you’re crying.

“I just miss her, you know?” The sentence comes through a wavered tone, and you hiccup through the tears. 

Aaron’s in a similar state, his red-rimmed eyes giving way to a tear-filled, “I know. I miss her too,”

A watery laugh leaves you, “Y’know, one time when I visited Haley, told me about how you two used to be. Before Jack, before…”

Before the divorce. Before she died.

“-just, before. She even gave me a little insight on your stint as Pirate #4 in Pirates of the Penzance,” A watery smile makes its way onto your face, and you hear Aaron huff out a sad laugh, shaking his head as he does so.

“I swore her to secrecy on that. She liked you, honestly. She loved how you were with Jack, and I can’t say that I don’t either. You being here, for us, is something we’ll always be grateful for. Thank you,” The sentence makes your heart swell, as more tears fall down your face. They’re full of grief, sadness, and a love you don’t catch onto right away, but when you do, you force that back down to whatever depths it came from.

You hear the feet padding across the floor before you see him.

“Y/N? Why are you crying?” Jack asks as he clambers up next to you and into your arms.

“Hey, bud, what’re you doing up? Your dad and I were just talking about your mom, and how much we miss her,” You say, rocking the boy as you hold him.

“I miss my mom too. Do you think we could talk to her?” He asks. You could hear how tired he is, and you look at Aaron.

Go ahead, his look says, and you stand up with Jack still in your arms. You pick up the candle and lighter on the way.

You lay Jack back in his bed, grabbing the picture of Haley off his dresser. You light the candle and hand it to him.

“Hi, momma. Y/N is here, and I miss you. I love you,” You continue to listen to the boy, but you can feel the tears pressing at the back of your eyes again. You can’t imagine what this four-year-old boy is going through, trying to understand why his mom isn’t coming home anymore.

You feel a certain pair of eyes on you from the doorway of Jack’s room, and you see Aaron watching you and Jack. He’s got this soft, sullen smile on his face as he hears Jack recount his days since he’s last talked to Haley. Soon enough, the four-year-old runs out of steam and says goodbye, blowing out the candle. You reach over, tucking the covers up to his chin, and tell him goodnight.

You walk out to see Aaron sitting on the couch again, his elbows resting on his knees, hands covering his face. You sit with him until the early morning light washes over the DC skyline, sunlight peeking into the windows. You both laugh, cry, and sit in silence as you talk about whatever, but the topic keeps coming back to Haley.

“Well, if I want to make it to the building on time, I better go back to my apartment and change,” You say as you get up to grab your shoes that have long since been forgotten, as well as your keys and such. “Oh, I didn’t even notice the time. See you at work,” He says, getting up off the couch too.

“Bye, Aaron. See you at work,” You give him a soft smile, and make your exit.

Aaron doesn’t make light of this, but seeing you leave after the night he spent commiserating with you, made him miss it more than he thought he would. The freshness of it all, the connection you shared with mutual grief, was something he never thought he’d get out of his job.

-----

When you step into the bullpen, you’re the first one there for once. Fresh clothes and a rejuvenated heart puts a small pep in your step, even on no sleep.  After the night of vulnerability you shared with Aaron, you felt refreshed, if only a little tired. 

For the sake of making sure you actually stay awake, you make two cups of coffee. Made one cup just how you like it, leaving the other one black. You set your cup down at your desk, climbing the stairs up to Aaron’s dark office. You turn on his desk lamp, setting the coffee down. You knew he wasn’t too far behind you when coming to the office, it was only a matter of time before he walked out of the elevator. 

When Aaron finally makes it to the bullpen, he sees you already cutting into the reports he left on everyone’s desks the night before. He practically floats to his office, his lack of sleep starting to catch up to him. When he opens the door, he sees the coffee mug at his desk, a sticky note attached to it. Very familiar handwriting fills the note. 

Thought we could both use some coffee after our late night. 

You know where I am if you need anything, old man. 

Sincerely, 

A very concerned friend :)

Aaron just shakes his head at the note, a smile he’s not used to filling his face. He looks through the window out into the bullpen to find you with an equally facetious smile on your face. 

That’s when it all comes crumbling down for you. The realization hits you as you turn back to your work, and you have to slow your breathing so as to not worry anyone else making their way to their desks. 

Fuck. 

You’re in love with your boss. 

You’re in love with Aaron Hotchner. 

You could not have worse timing, you realize. He just lost his wife, you just lost a friend. Neither of you should be open to dating. He isn’t open to dating, and you’d be damned if you were too.

You were never known for your timeliness, but this is a whole other level of bad.

 What are you supposed to do? There’s no handbook, nothing to tell you what you’re supposed to fall in love with your divorced boss who just lost his ex-wife. And there shouldn’t be, you’re being careless. 

It’s normal for people in grief to come together, and after a loss people make strides to fill that gap. That’s all you're doing. You don’t actually feel this way about him. 

That’s what your profiling tells you, but you don’t try to reason with it. No amount of reasoning can fix this. You’re screwed, and you know it.

That’s why you make a vow to yourself- right there in the bullpen. 

You are not going to let this get too far too fast, and you are not going to scare this man away. He is your boss first, friend second, and lover will never make that list if you keep up this fast train of realizations and possible confessions.

You get saved from your rabbit hole as you hear Reid and Morgan walk into the bullpen, talking about whatever those two can talk about at 8 AM. You just shake your head at their antics.

Those two really are like brothers.

Slowly, the rest of the team trickles in, and you’re expected for a day of paperwork when JJ flashes a file at you. Seems like you won’t your day of reprieve, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’re glad.

On top of the Aaron Revelations™, It’s been really hard these past few weeks without Haley. You usually went over to see Jack and her often, talking and laughing over some glasses of wine. Now, you just... don’t have that.

But, all that aside, you have a case.

So you put the pieces of yourself back together, compose yourself, and take a breath.

You can do this.

-----

You can’t do this.

You did fine on the case, and you know that. You remained composed, and kept your head on straight. That doesn’t change your realization, nor does it settle your feelings. Professionalism is at the forefront of your mind as you settle into your seat on the jet. Aaron sits next to you like always, and you school your expression for most of the flight, but that didn’t stop your brain from going faster than light.

You lean your head against the window, and hope against hope that everything- every feeling, every thought- would just leave you. They didn’t, but you welcome the sleep that comes like an unknown force.

When you wake, you smell Aaron’s cologne. You’re groggy, and it takes you a minute to realize that his suit jacket rests across your upper body. 

“You looked cold, just thought I’d help,” Aaron says, not looking up from his file.

That man never stops working.

“Thanks, Hotch,” You say, sleep still laced through your words. You get lost in the moment, the familiarity of it all sinking into your bones. You smile blissfully, sleep consuming your conscious again

You just miss the small smile Aaron gives you after your eyes close, sleep taking your body again.

[wonderwomanfantasy]

ftm comfort w/ todoroki!

this is pretty short but I hope you still like it!

You were laying with Shoto in his room, His dorm was clean if not a little chilly but you liked it a lot better than your own room. your head was on his chest, hard and muscular he made for a rather stiff pillow, his hand casually laid over your hip. 

You remembered when you first started dating he had been hesitant to touch you, fidgity and uneasy when you touched him. Now it seemed natural for him to hold you close. You liked it better this way, or at least you did normally right now it felt a little suffocating. You leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his chin before turning away from him, rolling off his chest. 

This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, if anything it was just a chance for todoroki to switch to spooning you, but you had been pulling away from him little by little recently and it was starting to worry him. Had he done something wrong? if so why didn’t you tell him that he had hurt your feelings? if it wasn’t him then what? how could he help?

“love?” Todoroki asked in a soft voice as not to frighten you,

“hmm?” you said barely turning to acknowledge him

“is everything alright?” he asked. 

“yeah,” you responded automatically 

“you don’t seem alright, love,” he said and you sat up to face him, he sat up as well looking serious. you averted your gaze. 

“It’s not that big of a deal i’m just fighting with my mom again,” you admitted. 

“fighting about what?” he asked slowly running his hand over your back in a comforting pattern. 

“tell me,” he prompted when you didn’t speak. suddenly it all came pouring out 

“it’s always the same with her, she says that it’s okay that I’m trans and she wants to support my transition but she won’t even take me to buy new clothes or let me get my hair cut without bitching about how I’m losing all my gorgeous hair. everything she does is trying to hold me back even though I want this She looks at me and I know- I know she doesn’t see her son,” your voice was being to crack but you couldn’t stop. it was good to get it all out but the well of emotion your chest still hurt. 

“your mother is wrong about you,” Shoto said calmly, mater of factly. 

“She’s wrong not only to treat you like that but also to think you aren’t a man,” He assured you whipping the tears from your cheeks. 

“you are just as much as a boy as I am, I love you so much baby.” he tilted your hand and kissed you, and you kissed him back sniffling as you tried to stop crying. 

“anything you need I’ll get for you Love,” he said against your lips before kissing you again. 

“and don’t you dare hesitate to ask me for anything, I love to spend my dad’s money on you, love to spoil you,” he murmered. 

“you don’t have to spoil me Shoto,” you said 

“mmm but I want to my love, I like buying you gifts, but I also like when you tell me what’s wrong, so please Darling, let me help,” he said taking both of your hands in his dusting your knuckles in soft kisses. 

“I love you,” you sniffled 

“I love you too, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend,” Todoroki said pulling you back into his arms where you staid for the rest of the night. 

[youngerdrgrey]

relax (this is private, too) // a Mary/Ryan oneshot

about: In a post-2x13 world, Mary welcomes Sophie to the Bat Team, and Sophie derails the conversation with an observation.

“It’s a tale as old as time. ‘Straight’ girl meets somebody that she just has to know, wants to spend all her time with her, starts wearing her clothes….” Sophie and Mary both look down at the color-block jacket that Mary’s wearing — Ryan’s color-block jacket. But Mary couldn’t possibly have a crush on Ryan… could she? + read on ao3

notes: Surprise! Truly, none probably more surprised than me. One moment I'm saying that I probably won't write for a bit, and the next I'm writing this because we really didn't talk enough about Mary saying, "Okay, that's kind of sexy" over the hot shot moment. (As a note, yes, platonic, intimate friendships between women are important. At this moment, though, let's run the tape back with Mary who is very confused.)

🦇

“Sit, sit, sit.” Mary leads Sophie through the loft to the living room. “You must have questions.”

Sophie does sit — on the chair this time, which leaves the couch open for Mary. It’s a slightly different seating arrangement than they had yesterday. There’s definitely a lot less attitude and tension here, but then again, it is only Mary and Sophie right now. Unless Ryan’s patrol goes poorly, but it probably won’t. Besides, Mary had texted Ryan about wanting some one-on-one time to suss Sophie out. Sophie’s a great person, but she might need to come around to Ryan wearing the suit.

Mary uncorks the wine bottle on the coffee table and gives a generous pour into the two stemless glasses. It’s a rosè, which is the perfect drink for a casual conversation. It’s light, airy, and has absolutely no chance of worms or poison in the bottom.

Sophie eyes her glass a moment before picking it up anyway. “Honestly?” She chuckles. “I have less questions now.”

“Really?” Mary settles back into the couch. “Because I won’t judge you if you do. It’s a lot to take in.” Mary’d wanted to rip the suit right off of Ryan the first time that she saw Ryan in it. Granted, at the time, they’d still been trying to find Kate, and a stranger was wearing Mary’s sister’s secret vigilante costume.

Sophie swirls her glass. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still processing the Ryan Wilder of it all, but… well, it all makes sense now.” She leans forward, her elbows finding the tops of her knees as she pitches towards Mary. “Before last week, I couldn’t understand why Ryan was suddenly everywhere. Sure, she worked at the bar, but then you were roommates out of nowhere. You went from zero to….” Sophie snorts into her wine glass.

Mary laughs too, but she doesn’t quite get why. It’s like they’re playing Never Have I Ever all over again. “Zero to what? I want in on the joke.”

Sophie shakes her head though. Her eyebrows pull together like she’s still puzzling something. Then she gives in, and her voice still has a hint of that humor as she finishes, “Zero to U-haul.” Mary chokes on the air in her lungs. Sophie raises her glass in a silent toast. “So, the Batwoman thing — makes a lot more sense than you suddenly having a girlfriend.”

Mary’s cheeks flush. Leave it to the lesbian to assume Mary’s hiding her sexuality. “A secret girlfriend is much more your speed.” Wait, is that rude? “Uh, no offense.”

Sophie takes a swig of wine. “None taken. You’re right. So, tell me more about working with Ryan.”

Mary smiles. This, she can do. She could talk about Ryan for hours. “She’s amazing. I mean, you know, you’ve seen her. She totally fills out the suit. Like it suits her and not the other way around. You’d think that it wouldn’t, but she really makes it her own.”

“Right, with the wig.”

“With everything!” Mary drinks some more. “She really gets this city, you know? Everything we’re doing with the Center is all Ryan’s idea. She came up with the plan, and she has these rules that we follow as the Bat Team! No killing, no working with Crows — again, no offense. Er, well,” Mary tilts her head to the side, “some offense. You guys have an awful track record at this point.”

Sophie takes another drink. “So you tell me.”

“But we also do team building exercises. It’s mostly us playing Taboo, and Luke getting really tired of us. Ryan’s so great. It’s like we don’t even have to say anything to know what the other is thinking. And even though she’s the boss, and she’s the leader, it’s like we’re really working side by side to make Gotham the place we always wanted it to be. The Center’s only the start. She has ideas about upgraded transitional shelters for people experiencing homelessness, and expanding the clinic if we get enough resources. She listened to my whole pitch about what we would need to do it, and asked questions, and— what?”

Sophie’s staring at Mary. Staring hard, but soft at the same time.

Mary swipes a hand across her cheek. “Is something on my face?”

Sophie shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing.” She drinks again, but her brows stay furrowed.

“Sophie, come on. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” Maybe hearing about all the good that Ryan wants is too much for Sophie right now. Mary can wait. It’s not like she’ll run out of good stuff to say.

“It’s the way you talk about her,” Sophie says finally. That softness is there again. A gentle touch in her voice. “Between that and your ‘kinda sexy’ comment yesterday… I don’t know, Mary, it just sounds like you have a crush.”

“A crush?” Mary repeats. “On Ryan?” She scoffs. “Hate to break it to you, Sophie, but I am straight. Like so straight. Like—”

Sophie puts her hands up in a silent casual defense. She drops them a moment later. “You don’t have to convince me. I believe you.”

“Thank you!” Mary flops back into the couch. Her head bounces just a bit on the top of it. Her curls smush, and she sinks down so that the thought can hopefully follow it out of her head.

She knows what sexy is. She can identify that something could be attractive without actually being attracted to said thing. There are all the different types of attraction. She ran a course on gender and sexuality for the doctors and volunteers at her clinic to make sure that everyone was on the same page in how to properly treat people that the medical field did not always regard with respect. She would know if she had a crush on Ryan.

Wouldn’t she?

Sophie sets her wine onto the coffee table. “It’s a tale as old as time. ‘Straight’ girl meets somebody that she just has to know, wants to spend all her time with her, starts wearing her clothes….” Sophie and Mary both look down at the color-block jacket that Mary’s wearing — Ryan’s color-block jacket.

“Okay, but we live together,” Mary reasons. Roommates borrow each other’s clothes. It’s not like she’s taking her crush’s jacket so that she has an excuse to see Ryan again. She can see Ryan whenever she wants. She does see Ryan whenever she wants. She can’t even count the number of times she’s come back from an awful shift, walked into Ryan’s room, and flopped down onto the bed beside her.

Her bed’s not softer than Mary’s. Mary obviously cared a lot more about her rest than Kate did, so Mary’s mattress is a dream. But Ryan’s room smells like a dialed down greenhouse. It smells alive and hopeful and earthy in a way that instantly calms Mary down. And when Mary’s having a really rough day, Ryan will put a pillow in her lap and run her hands through Mary’s hair until she stops seeing whatever gruesome wounds that she’s spent the last few hours dealing with. That’s not a crush. That’s… comfort. Intimacy. A deep, deep starvation for physical touch after a lifetime of parental neglect.

Friends can be affectionate. Friends can want to be close to each other.

She wants to be close to Luke. And to Sophie! She would love to curl up next to Sophie right now. Though, the more that Mary thinks about curling up with Sophie, the more she recognizes that it wouldn’t be the same as cozying up to Ryan. Ryan’s basically her same size. She’s got this warmth that radiates from her cheeks and her chest, and she hums songs and asks Mary to guess which song it is. Mary’s awful at this game, by the way. She usually ends up giving up, or drifting off to sleep while Ryan’s clearly picking songs that Mary — as someone who did not grow up in a Black household — did not grow up with.

(The one time Mary used that as a defense, Ryan had pointed out that Ryan didn’t grow up in a Black household either. Ryan grew up in a mismatch of cultures and identities in group homes before Mama Cora found her in high school. They’d made up for lost time with plenty of Miss Anita Baker and all the classics that Ryan had missed out on. The rest of Ryan’s cultural education came from other Black students and friends who’d either clowned her for not knowing a reference, or rushed to show her what their parents told them. It hadn’t been as simple as a natural osmosis for Ryan to feel at home with some of the cultural references around her.)

(Mary had whispered that it wasn’t easy for her either. Not with her mom working all the time and the rest of her Korean-American family out of reach. “There weren’t many Korean people in Gotham.” An understatement, but Ryan had leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of Mary’s head to comfort her. Sadness Mary hadn’t even known was still there had welled up. Liquified into tears that slipped onto Ryan’s pillow.)

(“It was—” Her breath had caught in her throat. The tears smeared her vision, which was fine, since all she could see from this angle were Ryan’s plants by the window anyway. “It was so lonely sometimes. And my dad…. With Kate… And Alice….” She couldn’t finish a single sentence. All the tears turned to sobs, and the sobs turned into this soul-clenching pressure in her chest.)

(Ryan had curled around Mary then. An arm found its way under Mary’s knees and softly tugged her into a tighter ball in Ryan’s lap. Ryan rocked them, whispered again and again, “It’s okay. Let it out. I got you. I’m here, Mary. I’m here.”)

Mary gulps now. “Ryan is….” She’s Mary’s roommate. Mary’s best friend. She’s the one who got Mary through losing Kate and who welcomed Mary onto the Bat Team. She’s the first person Mary calls whenever anything happens and literally the only person Mary could entrust The Hold Up to. She’s Batwoman, and…. And Mary has no idea what she would do without Ryan at this point. But it’s not like Mary wants to kiss Ryan. Just look at Ryan.

Look at Ryan in those ridiculous flannel shirts. She has twelve. Not including jackets. And she’s a woman, which is not Mary’s type. Mary hasn’t been super successful with her previous type, but they definitely have certain characteristics that Ryan does not. They don’t walk around in fluffy robes that they bought to spite their ex-girlfriends, or wake up super early after a late shift to use the workout bike that Mary still has never actually tried riding. They don’t make Mary sweet potato pancakes and encourage her to try out cooking on her off nights for stress relief. They don’t make her feel like home. They don’t…. Shit.

The lowest groan that Mary has ever done in her life grumbles out of her.

Sophie pops her lips. “There it is.”

Mary squeezes her eyes shut. “You’re not right. I don’t — I can’t — it’s Ryan.” She can’t fall for her best friend! She doesn’t have a backup bestie. “Besides!” Mary pops up to tell Sophie, “I have never once wanted to kiss her.”

Sophie raises an eyebrow in the smoothest, most silent way to ask, Are you sure?

(Mary got them breakfast the next morning. She couldn’t do the sweet potato pancakes, but she knew the right cafe to get Ryan’s favorite vegan chorizo burrito. She got back just as Ryan was finishing up a shower and called out, “Breakfast!”)

(Steam followed Ryan out of her bedroom. The tips of her hair dripped softly onto her shirt, just above her chest, and Mary couldn’t stop glancing down at it. Normally, she would’ve been able to, but that morning…. Ryan snatched up her burrito and flopped down onto the couch. On the first bite, Ryan let out a soft moan that somehow carried straight over to Mary. Maybe Mary made the wrong food choice? If the burrito was that good, and Mary could feel it, then she needed some of what Ryan was having.)

(“You’re brilliant,” Ryan said. Then she locked eyes with Mary and gestured with her burrito. “Anyone who would ever leave you behind is a dumbass. Full offense to the entire Hamilton-Kane family.” Ryan dug in for another bite, and Mary’s heart swelled in her chest. She couldn’t even smile with how full she felt. How warm and safe and loved. God, she loved Ryan. She really, really could spend the rest of her life like this.)

(Ryan’s face scrunched up. “Stop looking at me like that. I don’t care how hungry you look. I’m not sharing.”)

(Mary faked an outraged gasp. She wasn’t even hungry. Not anymore, not really. Still, she threw herself onto the couch beside Ryan. “I paid for it! Give me a bite!” Ryan squirmed away, and Mary had to cling to the curve of Ryan’s back to try and reach for the good. “Come on! Ryan!”)

(If Ryan was a guy, this is when Mary would’ve kissed him. Would’ve peppered his head and his cheeks and his nose with kisses until he turned just enough for her to kiss his full lips and suck his tongue into her mouth. To lose every bit of resistance in the soft brush of her hands, and the gentle curls of Ryan’s hair beneath her fingers. Ryan’s teeth nipping at her bottom lip, then her neck, then—)

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!” Mary sinks even deeper into the couch. Then shoots up at the reminder of the memory of wanting to kiss Ryan on this exact freaking couch. She turns her wide eyes to Sophie. “What am I going to do?”

Sophie clicks her tongue. “Nope, I want nothing to do with that. Whatever happens there is between you and Ryan.”

“But what if….” Mary loses her words in a squeak. What if she doesn’t know what she wants to happen? What if she doesn’t want anything to happen? What if she’ll be totally fine, going about her business, continuing her life where she gets to occasionally cuddle up with her best friend in their apartment? Maybe she doesn’t need anything more than that. She’s made it this far, and she didn’t even know she had any sort of feelings, or attraction. She can keep on going now. She can be normal.

Not normal meaning straight, just normal meaning Mary’s normal state. Which was straight. Is straight?

Mary groans. “I hate my life.”

Sophie reaches for the wine bottle and fills Mary’s glass up to the brim. “Look on the bright side — at least you know who she is. No secret identities, or clandestine rendezvous. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

“I am apparently into a lot of things I didn’t know,” Mary mumbles.

Sophie sighs. “It’s not that different, and for you, maybe it’s not different at all. Maybe….” Sophie glances around the loft. Mary follows her eyes as they bounce from the wine to the hallway to the silly bat wall decals that Ryan got from Party City and put near the TV. Sophie nods her head, as she finds her words. “Ryan loves Halloween.”

“What?”

“Stick with me.” Sophie points to the bats, then the tiny plastic pumpkins from the checkout section of Target. “Ryan loves Halloween. She decorates the whole house around it because she loves it so much. But me, I grew up in a strict Christian household where Halloween was not what we did. We did Christmas. And you….”

Mary follows again. “We did a mix. Christmas and Hanukkah.”

Sophie winces. “Okay, a mix of holidays. You’re not strictly a one holiday kind of girl. And that’s fine.”

Mary glances back to the Halloween decorations. “So, in this metaphor—”

“It might be time to celebrate Halloween. Maybe you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll hate it. But it’s October now, so, get a costume, grab a pumpkin, and tell her how you feel.”

Okay. Mary can do that. Mary can totally do that. If she can handle Alice imploding her entire life in front of the whole world, then she can tell her roommate that she has a crush on her.

Maybe.

Someday.

When she’s ready.

“Can we, uh, work our way up to Halloween? I feel like I’m still hearing fireworks.”

Sophie grins at her. “Of course. We’ll go at your speed. And if you have any questions?”

Mary picks back up her wine glass and knocks back nearly half of it. “I’ll ask you. Or Parker. She’s incredibly knowledgeable for a teenager.” She probably wouldn’t use such convoluted metaphors either. It’s a win-win really. Great, last time Mary saw Parker, they were watching the lesbian drama; now Mary will be a part of it. Ugh. "I'm never living this down, am I?"

"Oh, absolutely not. Hey, Mary?" Sophie waits until Mary's turned her steadily narrowing gaze to her. "Never have I ever had a crush on Batwoman."

Mary flips Sophie off.

🦇

[strandedcrow]

thoughts on the glass animals album dreamland? (info dump welcome)

YES hi hello thank you

I talked like,, a lot so I’m sparing y'all with a cut

The album itself is just so well organized and executed it’s insane. The entire album just captures the feeling of taking a nostalgic trip through your own life and the way that it ends up forgotten in a way, sickly sweet and vague, subdued, and so easy to get completely lost in. And part of what makes it so well done is the pure authenticity it’s completely drenched in. The album itself didn’t exist until quarantine hit, they had been taking a break after a band member was injured and had to recover, and that isolation had that same impact on them as it did on most of us, and the result was this extremely genuine album embodying nostalgia itself.

As a band they’ve always done such an incredible job of maintaining a theme throughout their album that is consistent without becoming repetitive. The song Dreamland does such a perfect job of pulling you into the album, easing you into a subdued album, fuzzy around the edges but clear once you can hone in on the details, on what’s being said, perfectly reflective of the theme it’s introducing you to. While it’s doing that it’s also providing a smooth shift from the last song on the album before it, HTBAHB. Agnes leaves that album off on such an extremely a somber, desperate, and lost note, which Dreamland picks up, just as lost in itself, taking off so beautifully from Agnes’ “You’re gone but you’re on my mind, I’m lost but I don’t know why,” and getting into the why. But it does so by warning you first, “You see in kodachrome, you see in pink and gold.” This album is distorted, it’s not right, the colors are wrong and everything is sweeter than it should be. At the same time, it sets up for the songs to follow, like “That worst thing you said” for It’s All So Incredibly Loud and “You were ten years old, holding hands in the classroom, he had a gun on the first day of high school” for Space Ghost Coast to Coast.It’s those vague, unconnected memories that you haven't quite grasped onto yet in full, but you know you’re going to get lost in them once you do. You’re stepping back from the overload of information and action today to visit who you used to be and what made you who you are now.

Right after it, Tangerine does something that Life Itself did for HTBAHB, it smoothened the general sound’s transition between albums. Just as Life Itself, with its beat similar to the album before its own could have fit into ZABA with no issue, Tangerine could have been on HTBAHB without disrupting the album. The “retro” vibe, the themes revolving around both the nostalgia of Dreamland and those of past relationships deteriorating because of missed opportunities and growing apart fits so well into both albums, it’s such a great transition from the past album to the current. The “I’m begging, hands knees please, tangerine” is also a common expression used (often as a double entendre) by them, again like in Life Itself, with its chorus being “Come back down to my knees, gotta get back, gotta get free, come back down to my knees, lean back now, lean back and breathe,” which just sets up for a really smooth callback to previous songs and album. Something else that Tangerine establishes is something that’s been a running theme with Glass Animals since ZABA: fruit. There is a lot of fruit here. It used to be a running joke that Glass Animals wasn’t actually a band, but a cryptic pineapple worshipping cult (no amount of music made will fool me, this is definitely a pineapple cult). This album uses fruit to remind you of the sugary sweetness of nostalgia, but there’s more history and, well, fan specific nostalgia that goes with that metaphor, too.

Hot Sugar is similar to a later song, Waterfalls Coming Out Your mouth, in that it’s about someone who is so cool that they aren’t actually cool. The person isn’t genuine, the idea of them isn’t actually them, but this was someone that you still want to be anyways, because who wouldn’t want to be that cool? The song doesn’t have much deeper meaning underlying it compared to some other’s because that depth doesn’t exist here, with this person. You know they’re “faking it,” but it doesn’t really matter beyond deciding if you actually like them or if you just want to be them, and the answer is the latter. This song is also similar to another, later song, Tokyo Drifting, introducing the listener to this person that he wants to be like, referencing “Hot rubber on the tar,” and setting the stage for the later song to tell you more about what he wanted to be like. Also, once again, through a mention of watermelon, fruit continues to be a recurring theme in the earlier tracks on this album, when the trip through nostalgic memories is still more sweet than bitter.

Right after we get introduced to this idea of who he wanted to be, we move onto what became of someone he knew closely, shared a lot with, and very suddenly lost touch with through Space Ghost Coast to Coast. The music itself is reminiscent of the music he listened to at the time. This song, being a telling of something that actually happened, is so authentic and raw in how it ends up, all still told through the layer of confusion, hurt, and again, that sweetness of nostalgia, with “You look bizarre in the apricot” establishing a deceptively sweet but confused tone over something heavy through yet another fruit metaphor. This song also manages to hit on other songs from the album when he tries to delve into why his friend did what he did, “Were you bored of gender norms,” matching with Dreamland’s “Go ask your questions like “What makes a man?”,” “… of being alone,” matching Heat Waves’ “I don’t wanna be alone, you know it hurts me too,” and “… no mama home, a bad divorce” matching pretty much the entirety of Domestic Bliss. Like Hot Sugar, this song sets up for Tokyo Drifting, with his idea of who he wants to be but isn’t, with “Remember when you stole mom’s old Geo Metro, you wore her old bathrobe, too small to see the road.” There’s also more blatant references being made to both past shooters (Black cap back with a trench coat, ay) and the arguments afterwards of what motivated them (Playing too much of that GTA, playing too much of that Dr. Dre). While he still wants to understand his old friend, and what happened for him to change so abruptly and dangerously, he does not want anything to do with him anymore. It’s a song about a loss of innocence and the understanding that sometimes you just won’t understand why someone does something. It’s just a complete banger in general.

Which then takes us to Tokyo Drifting, which absolutely slaps. The song itself revolves around what he wanted to be like, singing from a new persona rather than his own (Cane Suga from HTBAHB was done through the same persona). It breaks the pattern of referencing to fruit, instead focusing on drugs and alcohol, dropping the sickly sweet lens of nostalgia for something more fitting of the song’s specific theme. Don’t worry, though, dragonfruit was used extremely heavily in this songs promotion as a single, so the fruit is still there, just not directly, and that lack of directly referring to a fruit in the song itself fits with the way that the song breaks from nostalgia of things that have happened and people he knew into something that was never real. There is no rose colored glasses needed for something that never even happened. I don’t have much else to say on it, it just goes hard, this was my most listened to song two years in a row lmao.

Melon and the Coconut is just sheer Glass Animals. It’s weird, it’s fun, and it sounds great. It cleanly splits the album in half, splitting the POV’s straight down the middle while making a reference to its own position in the album, “Sometimes B-sides are the best songs.” Needless to say, there are some super subtle references to fruit in Melon and the Coconut, the song about two fruit.

Then, the second half of the album kicks off with Your Love (Deja Vu), a song extremely similar in theme to previous songs about missed timing, like ZABA’s Pools and HTBAHB’s Pork Soda. Instead of fruit, “juice” is mentioned in this song. It takes the turn from thinking about people you were friends with, what you wanted to be like, to people that you were with, and things that just didn’t work out.

And then there’s Waterfalls Coming Out Your Mouth. It’s such a clean parallel to looking back on things with nostalgia and seeing them through the fake sweetness that time brings, with this song being about the rose colored glasses that were present in the moment, the time when you start getting to know someone but you aren’t actually getting to know them, you’re getting to know this other, more impressive version of them instead, and they get the exact same experience of you on their own end. He’s letting this other person have their own version of him while he has his own version of them in his head, and he knows their version of him is wrong, so he also knows whatever he thinks of them is going to be wrong, too. He knows them, but at the same time he doesn’t. He’s realizing here, that this person, like the Hot Sugar person, is too cool, and they aren’t real, it’s all just talk, and it’s all fake like the “chemical warfare, red lips and television eyewear, raspberry soda hair, in the pool with a blow up gummy bear.” It’s sweet, sure, but it’s also fake. “Chat shit but where’s the real you? Never seen The Price Is Right, I’m a liar been on that shit since ’99. You make me look like a clown, clap clap, you’re a clever clever cookie now” has no right go that hard, and yet it Does.

Then, abruptly, we get to It’s All So Incredibly Loud. The song itself is subdued, it’s that point in your trip through your own memories where you remember why things went wrong. You get shaken from your train of thought and lose your place in it, because you aren’t there anymore, you’re here and you can’t go back, you can’t fix anything, all that’s left for you to do now is mourn the wrongs and accept them, even though its painful. This is remembering what Dreamland meant by “That worst thing you said,” the realization that you have to break someone else’s heart, and how much that hurts.

((home movie: rockets)) is the longest home movie audio in the album, and creates a smooth transition back into childhood, journeying back through a sound similar to that of their first album, ZABA, on the way there for the album to transition into Domestic Bliss. This time, with someone else entirely’s perspective falling back onto knees, but this time under an entirely different tone, “Fight for me. We can leave I’m begging, please, on my on my knees.” These two songs back to back continue the downward spiral that too much nostalgia can leave you falling into, the wrongs, the regrets, this trip down memory lane has lasted too long, now.

Which drops us off at Heat Waves, which returns back to his own perspective after Domestic Bliss focused on a friend of his. It fits the bittersweet feeling in nostalgia, the understanding and acceptance that you can’t go back, you just have to keep going forward and separate instead for everyone’s sake, a followup less to the tangent in thought that is Domestic Bliss, and more to It’s All So Incredibly Loud. It also wraps up those previous album’s songs, Pools and Pork Soda in a way, bringing a sense of closure to the nostalgic feelings, as well as to the entire album.

And finally Helium, the bookend opposite to Dreamland. This song flawlessly embodies that feeling of when you realize you’ve just been sitting and staring at a photo album for an hour now, and you finally take a look around you, feeling the air conditioning on your skin, hearing the sounds of the world around you, snapping back out of your train of thought and into real life again. Things didn’t work the way that you used to think they would, but that’s a good thing. It is such a perfect ending to the nostalgic journey that is this entire album. Fading back into the melody that started this journey of sickly sweet memories of people you looked up to, when you learned for the first time that people can change and you might not ever understand why, ideas of who you once wanted to be, finding something light that you can laugh about, realizing how similar so many things in your life have been to each other, the realization that the people you used to look up to might not have actually been that impressive the whole time, your regrets, times you wish you could have done more, and the understanding that sometimes you shouldn’t have done so much.

I love this album so much man

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

veracity - v. dunn

As promised, here’s one of our many resident himbos, Vince Dunn, in “I didn’t realize wer were dating.” As I’m sure a lot of other writers have experienced lately, reblogs have definitely been down, so I would love it if you’d give a reblog if you like it. I also read the tags! Alternately, feel free to keysmash in my inbox or let me know what your favorite parts were. 

word count: 4.9k+

warnings: light sexual content (brief)

Aly Kalinski had never bothered leaving her home town. Why would she? She loved St. Louis. She was born there, went to public schools in the city, and barely moved ten miles away from home for her art degree at SLU. For all its faults, she loved her city. Aly met Vince her sophomore year of college, an accidental run-in at her favorite sandwich shop that had turned into a friendship that had turned into a relationship. So it was a no-brainer decision for Aly to stay once she graduated, getting a position teaching middle and high school art at a school in the suburbs and a loft in downtown. She didn’t want to leave her parents, or her city. Or Vince. 

They had just gotten together, and it really hadn’t come as a surprise to anyone but them. Her older sister rolled her eyes when Aly told her, saying that “it was only a matter of time. You two practically act like an old married couple already.” Her parents were shocked even less. Vince’s teammates had actually been some of the biggest perpetrators in the first place, not-so-subtly leaving them in rooms together at parties and encouraging Aly to admit the feelings she wasn’t even sure she had until a few months ago. But it had happened organically, so naturally that Aly really couldn’t even put a pin on the point where their friendship had turned into romance. All she knew was that she was falling hard for Vince Dunn, and for once in her life, she wasn’t trying to stop herself. 

September

Clashing teeth and her hands running through his hair and his fingernails digging into the backs of her thighs was all Aly felt as Vince held her up against the door. “Vin, bedroom,” Aly gasped, pulling away for air. 

“Mhm,” he said absentmindedly, his lips trailing kisses down the column of her neck as her legs wrapped around his waist. He walked backwards into his room, dropping her down on the bed. She fumbled with the buttons on her shirt as he frantically pulled his belt off. God, it had been too long since they had touched each other. Vince had only recently returned to St. Louis for training camp and the start of pre-season, but he had been so exhausted from drills and scrimmages that all he could manage on nights they got together was curl into Aly’s side with some take out and turn on reruns of Kitchen Nightmares. She had visited him in Toronto for two weeks in July and August — it didn’t always work out so perfectly, but she was thankful that teaching meant most of her summers were free — and they had obviously had sex while they were there, but she had been missing it more than she wanted to admit. Missing him. 

So when they went out to a downtown bar with the rest of the team to celebrate the end of training camp, and Aly didn’t have work the next day, they were both more than happy to indulge in a little liquid courage. Which meant a couple of  drinks and a few more flirty touches later and the pair made their excuses to the rest of the group, Vince pulling up his Uber app before they were even out the door. And they weren’t exactly subtle about it  — Sammy had definitely shouted “USE PROTECTION” while Vince threw him a middle finger  — but they they needed each other too much to really give a fuck. 

Vince trailed his fingers up her now-bare sides, the clasp of her bra falling open with a well-practiced flick. Aly palmed him over his jeans, trying half-heartedly to reverse their positions. Vince groaned. “Not tonight, baby. I need you.” Well, it’s not like she was going to argue with that. Her leggings came off in record time. His jeans followed. Aly dropped her head into the crook of his neck as he slid into her. God, they could do this a million times and she’d never get used to how good he felt. “You’re fuckin’ incredible, Aly, you know that?” Vince gasped out. 

She pressed a kiss onto his shoulder. “You might've mentioned it once or twice, but feel free to keep going, Dunn,” she said. 

He quickened his pace. “I will.” Ten minutes and two orgasms later, she was wrapped in Vince’s arms, trying to savor every last moment before she had to get up and use the bathroom. “I meant what I said, you know?” Vince said, one hand carding through her hair. “You really are incredible, Aly. And when we’re together…” He paused, searching for the right words. 

“There’s only a few things in my life that have always come easy. Hockey, never being able to say no to ice cream, and you. I never feel like I have to be anyone other than exactly who I am when I’m with you, and I don’t know if you know just how meaningful that is for me. I need it, and I need you.” Aly smiled, turning over and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. This was the closest he’d gotten so saying he loved her, and she’d take it. 

January

Aly sipped her champagne, her eyes surveying the downtown St. Louis ballroom where she found herself on a Saturday evening. Her free hand fingered with the sequin-adorned cloth of her dress, brushing up against the thigh-high slit. It wasn’t something she would have ever bought for herself, but she loved it. It caught the light like nothing she’d ever seen and Vince’s jaw had nearly fallen off the second he saw her when he picked her up for the gala. He had bought it for her, too, insisting that if he had invited her the least he could do was spare her the expense of going out and buying one on her own.

Her job paid well for a teacher, especially one in their first few years, but she wasn’t about to complain when Vince gave her his card and sent her into the shopping district to find a dress for the night. He had told her to get something stunning, and she had delivered in spectacular fashion. It was the Blues’ big fundraising gala for the year, an annual charity event to benefit the children’s hospital. Essentially, the night was an opportunity to party on the team’s dime while wining and dining Midwestern elite in a bid to get them to open up their checkbooks. It was something that Alexandra Kalinski was proving surprisingly adept at; even though she didn’t have nearly the rapport with some of the businessmen and philanthropists as most of the players and their partners did, she was able to turn on the same “teacher” charm she used on back-to-school nights, lay the accent on a little thicker than she usually would, and tug at the heartstrings of multi-millionaires with a story of a seventh grader in one of her intro painting classes who had been treated for leukemia in the hospital’s oncology ward. They couldn’t write the checks fast enough. 

But Aly found herself at the bar a few hours in, next to Sammy as Vince smooth-talked someone she vaguely recognized as an exec for the Cardinals. Transitioning from friendship to being a couple, at least in regards to their social lives, had been much easier than she had thought. It had all just been so natural that people probably wouldn’t have even noticed if it hadn’t been for the looks she gave him, or her now-permanent spot on the “good chair” in the family box — that everyone else claimed was too lumpy but Aly swore up and down was the most comfortable place in the whole room  — or the time Colton had walked in on them hooking up in a supply closet at the Enterprise Center during a wine tasting with season ticketholders. But she had loved everything in their relationship so far, loved how welcoming all of the other WAGs were and how happy everyone had been for them when they finally got together. “God, it was about time,” Sammy had said. 

She could see that the person Vince was talking to had started making his way over to the reception table, where all the donations were being collected, and caught his eye just as he was being swept into yet another conversation. Vince liked people, there was no doubt about it, and he loved being able to help out a cause as incredible as the children’s hospital, but after almost four hours of schmoozing and small talk it was beginning to take a toll on even him. Aly gave him a tiny nod, a signal that anyone else probably would have missed, but one that Vince understood instantly. She was coming to get him. Alexandra was by his side in thirty seconds flat, her hand resting between his shoulder blades while she smiled apologetically to the man across from them. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got a headache and have had a bit too much to be driving myself home. Would you mind taking me?” 

Vince nodded, trying to keep his enthusiasm dampened. “Of course, babe. No problem.” He gave the businessman his best PR smile. “Sorry to have to leave so abruptly, but duty calls. Thank you so much for coming out tonight and supporting such a great cause, it really means a lot to me and the whole team.” With a perfunctory handshake, they began heading towards the exit, his hand gripping hers as they wove through the crowd. “Thanks for that, Aly,” he said as he opened up the passenger door for her. “I really was running on empty there.”

She smiled softly back at him. “Always.”

May 

Vince’s arm was draped casually over the back of Aly’s chair, his fingertips dancing over her shoulder. She was beaming up at the couple under the flower-covered wedding chuppah at the end of the aisle, leaning into Vince’s side. Her cousin Olivia was getting married, her and her soon-to-be wife Yara had been together for years and had finally decided to take the next step. When she got the invitation four months earlier, she hadn’t hesitated to invite Vince as her plus one. They had been dating for a little under a year by that point, but seeing as how most of her family was local — some of her mom’s family was in Wisconsin, but nobody really aside from that — he had already met everyone important. 

The ceremony went by in the blink of an eye, Yara and Olivia broke the glasses, and everyone began milling over towards the barn for the reception. Olivia and Yara had already met Vince some six months before, and had immediately taken to each other. The brides came over to their table after thanking everyone for coming, and dinner was served. She had never seen anyone eat as many dinner rolls in one sitting as Vince did.

---

“Alexandra!” Aly heard an excited voice from the other corner of the room over the cacophony of the music, and barely turned her head quickly enough to see who had called her name before she was pulled into a warm hug. 

Aly laughed when she saw who it was. “Nice to see you, Aunt Ruth. Aunt Ruth, this is Vince. Vince, this is my Aunt Ruth,” Aly said, gesturing to the woman across from them. 

Vince held out his hand, but Ruth waved it off. “We’re huggers here, Vince. She brought you to the wedding. You’re practically family.” She raised her eyebrows at the couple. “When’s it going to be your turn, hm?” 

Aly groaned. “Aunt Ruuuth.” 

Ruth shrugged. “I’m just saying. Your bubbe’s not getting any younger, and I’m sure she’d love to see some of her grandchildren with kids of their own.” 

“How about we, uh, get off of that subject,” Aly said, her cheeks burning. “That’s up to this one, after all,” she said, patting Vince on the arm. Vince ducked his head, understanding the grip of Aly’s hand on his arm as I love this woman but I swear to God if you don’t get me out of here I think I might combust.

He smiled apologetically to the older woman, feigning a glance at his watch. “The ceremony was amazing, Ruth, but I think I’ll have to be taking Aly home now. We’ve got early breakfast plans tomorrow and I’m sure you know how this one gets when she doesn’t get a full night of sleep.” Aly squeezed his hand in appreciation. 

“Of course,” Ruth said, smiling at the pair. She winked as they turned towards the door. “But think about it.” 

Aly ran her hand through her hair as soon as they turned the corner into the dirt parking lot. “Thanks for that, Vin. We don’t have breakfast plans, though?” 

Vince shrugged, an impish smile on his face. “Guess we do now.”

October

“I bought that tea you like,” Vince said from his spot on the couch. “I didn’t want you to be over here while you’re looking after Henry and run out.” Henry was Vince’s rottweiler, a rambunctious eleven month old that he had adopted at the middle of last season. 

Aly smiled as she opened the cupboard, seeing her prized brand of Irish Breakfast next to his favorite type of coffee. “Thanks for that, Vin.” 

He shrugged as the corner of his mouth twitched. “Don’t mention it.” 

The Blues were about to leave for their first real road trip of the year, and it was an unspoken agreement by this time in their relationship that Aly would stay over at his apartment while he was away. Early on in the relationship, she’d just stop by a few times a week to water his plants, and then he got a few fish, and then Henry came along. It didn’t take much convincing from Vince for Aly to agree to look after them; Henry loved her almost as much as he did Vince, and getting to see him before and after school helped to curb some of the loneliness she felt in Vince’s absence. 

She turned down the hallway, taking her bag into his bedroom. He had a guest room that would have been just as convenient to stay in, but she had grown used to the feel of his sheets and liked having the ensuite bathroom. Plus, she had already not-so-subtly taken over one of the drawers in his dresser. Her bag had the jeans, button downs, and blouses she’d need for work — her school mostly adhered to a smart casual dress code, plus she was an art teacher — but there were plenty of sleep shirts, underwear, and leggings in the dresser. If push came to shove, she also wasn’t above stealing Vince’s old sweatshirts. He always said she looked better in them anyways. 

Even when Vince was back in town, she slept over enough for it to make sense for her to have a space of her own; it just wasn’t practical for her to have to drive fifteen minutes to her apartment and back again just to grab a shirt if she wanted to spend the night after a movie date ran long. They hadn’t broached the conversation of moving in together yet, though. It was something that had crossed Aly’s mind, and if she knew Vince as well as she thought she did, he had thought about it too. But she wasn’t in a hurry to break her lease and he hadn’t said anything about it, so she had decided to let sleeping dogs lie. 

She tucked her bag into the corner of his closet, padding into the bathroom and closing the door. She cursed herself as she pulled down her shorts, realizing that her period had started and, conveniently, her purse was out in the living room. Biting her lip, Aly decided to rummage around in the vanity, praying to God that she’d left something from the last time. It wasn’t like she thought Vince would be weird about it if she asked him to bring her something from her purse; he never had been before, even when she had bled through a pair of his sweats one night staying over. “Not a big deal,” he had said, shrugging and tossing them in the washing machine. “I needed to do laundry anyway.” But she’d rather not ask if she didn’t have to. She crossed her fingers as she pulled out the last drawer, her head turning to the side in confusion as she saw an unopened box of tampons. Her eyes softened in realization. He had bought them without her ever having to ask. 

January 

It was bye week for the Blues, which meant everyone who hadn’t been picked for the All Star Team suddenly had an extra week in the middle of the season and nothing to do to fill it. Or, rather, had a week in the middle of the season and had to find something to do to fill it. In Vince and Aly’s case, that something turned out to be a trip to the Bahamas with some of his teammates and their wives. It had been a no-brainer for him to invite Aly; everyone else was bringing their partners and Vince knew she had a few vacation days saved up from work. They had been planning it for months, Aly having requested the time off as soon as she was able, and had blissfully traded in the chilly winters of Missouri for a balmy week on the shores of Nassau.

Vince had wanted to go to Iceland originally, half to do with the hiking and half to do with the ponies he saw in a National Geographic article as a kid, but one Google search from Sammy led them to the unfortunate realization that being so far north, there were only about six hours of daylight each day and the temperature topped out in the mid 30s. Vince looked a little deflated when he read the forecast. “Don’t worry,” Aly had said, squeezing his arm in reassurance. “We can go in June, after school lets out and before you head home for the summer. I’ve heard amazing things about their hot springs.” Sammy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Aly hit his shoulder. 

But the Bahamas were proving to be one of the most beautiful places she had ever been. “Better than home?” he asked as they lay stretched out on the sand while they watched the sun dip below the horizon. 

She scrunched her nose at him. “Unfair comparison. St. Louis is hovering around freezing and perpetually covered in a layer of slush this time of year. And, to be fair, it’s an endearing layer of slush and I love it. But right now I think I’d rather be where it’s 75º and sunny and I can lay outside looking hot as hell in a bikini without worrying about freezing my tits off.” 

Vince choked on his rum punch. “Worried about that, are you?” 

Aly shrugged. “I’d rather deal with a sunburn. Which, speaking of,” she glanced over at Vince, “you’re looking a little red. Don’t worry, though. I’ve got as much aloe vera as I could pack in a single quart bag. Would have tried to sneak in a whole bottle, but didn’t want the feds after me.” 

Vince laughed, a whole body laugh that all but consumed him for a few moments, before pulling Aly in to rest against his chest. “I’m really happy you came, Aly. You know that, right?” 

“Why wouldn’t I? All-expenses paid trip to the Carribean with you and our friends, getting to hang out on the beach all day and drink cocktails without having to worry about driving home after?” 

Vince gasped in mock offense, the hand that wasn’t wrapped around her waist coming to clench at his heart. “You’re killing me here, Aly! You mean to tell me this whole time you’ve only been using me for my money? I expected more from you.” 

“Not just your money, Vin,” she giggled, settling into his touch. “I tried to pay for my share of the expenses, you wouldn’t have it. But seriously, I do really love it here. It’s gorgeous, and so peaceful, and there’s really not anything I think we could do to make it better. I love you, Vince Dunn.” 

“I love you too, Aly Kalinski.” 

April 

“One sec, I’ve got to go grab something,” Vince said, smiling at Aly as he pushed his chair back from the table. It was the day after he had come home from a two week road trip, and he had invited her over for dinner, told her to dress nice, and made what actually turned out to be a very respectable dinner of ravioli and roasted vegetables. 

She nodded as her heart started to pound faster and faster, coming to a peak when she thought her chest was going to burst as Vince returned from the bedroom, turning a blue velvet box over in his hands. “I know it might seem unexpected, but I saw this the other day while I was downtown with Sammy and I don’t know, just somehow knew you were meant to have it. Knew it was meant to be yours. Something I hope you’ll see as a sign of how much I love and care about you and how even though we might not always physically be together, you’re the person I trust most in this life.” 

He slid the box across the table to Aly, who opened it with shaking hands. Inside was a silver necklace with a pendant of an olive tree on it. It was absolutely gorgeous — and Vince was right, very her — but it was not what she had been expecting.

Aly snorted, burying her face into her hands. “Oh my God, I’m going to have to call my mom.” 

Vince was confused. “Why?” 

Aly rolled her eyes. “I told her I was coming over here for dinner and you told me to dress nice. She thought you were going to propose.” 

“Propose?” Vince asked, dumbfounded. “Why would I propose?” 

She tried to wave him off, but Vince could see the shimmer of hurt behind her eyes. “I mean, we’ve been together for almost two years. It wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility.”

“Together?” He looked over at her. “For two years?” 

“Yeah?” she said slowly, thinking he had forgotten their anniversary. “Come June, two years.” 

Vince swallowed hard as it began to dawn on him, looking down at his hands. “Together...She thinks we’ve been together for,” he looked up at the ceiling, “twenty-one months.” 

“You keep repeating that word, babe. Together. What’s confusing about it?” Aly said, giving him a weird look.  

God, how was he supposed to tell her? “I didn’t know we were together. Are together? Let alone that your mom was expecting a proposal.” 

Aly’s blood ran cold. “Let me get this straight,” she said, pausing. “You didn’t know we’re together? What did you think we’ve been doing for almost two years?” 

“Being really good friends?” 

She shook her head. “Why did you tell me to dress up when I came over, then? Why did you make dinner?”

He fixed his eyes on a chip in the coffee table. “I knew you’d been having a rough week and I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“What about the vacation?” She questioned.

He shrugged helplessly. “Everyone else was going in couples, and you’re my best friend down here regardless.” 

“Me coming to all the games? Sitting up in the box?” 

“You’ve become friends with all the WAGs, and I love having you there to support me,” he tried. 

“The sex?” Aly asked incredulously. 

Vince winced. Okay, that  one was a little harder to explain away. “I just always thought that we were both single, both hot, both too busy to get into relationships. Each other’s best options.” 

God, Aly felt like a fucking fool. She felt like she’d been played, because in a weird, sort of twisted way, she had. “You said you thought it was because we’re both too busy to be in relationships now. But Vince, I know you have no think energy out your ears, but I need you to concentrate for a minute. Think about most couples you know. They get together a few times a week if they don’t live together. We do that.” He nodded. 

“They have a drawer or a part of a closet at each other’s places, they look after each other’s plants and dogs when they’re out of town. We do that. They become friends with each other’s friends, they visit each other’s families, they take weekend trips together and fly to the Bahamas with friends when they have a week off. We did that.” She looked up at him, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. “They dance around in the kitchen together and make love and go to the zoo at least once a month because I love seeing the otters. They comfort each other when they’re at their worst, encourage each other at their best. You said you didn’t have time for a relationship, but you didn’t realize that that’s what we’ve been doing, Vince.” 

Now it was Vince’s turn to be struck speechless. Aly wasn’t meeting his eyes. And honestly, he couldn’t blame her. He turned to look at her, but she had stood up abruptly from the couch, pacing nervously as she slowly made her way to the door. “I, uh, I think I should go,” she said, looking down at her hands. 

Vince stood up, taking a half step towards her before deciding that it was best to give her space. “No, Aly, you don’t have to go. We can talk. I think —”

“No, I think. I think you don’t feel the same way, and I’ve been misreading things for two years. And that’s fine, I can’t force you to fabricate feelings that aren’t there, so um. I’ll go,” Aly said, shaking her head stiffly. She opened the door and shut it, and Vince was suddenly stuck in the loudest silence he’d ever heard. It was like he couldn’t move for a minute, as if all of his muscles were paralyzed, and then he came back to reality. Aly had only been gone for maybe a minute at most, but it felt like an hour. 

Vince bolted out of the door, not even bothering to lock it, running straight past the elevator. Stairs would be quicker. He caught her just as she was exiting the front door, one of her hands coming up to wipe a stray tear off her cheek. “Aly!” Vince called. She hesitated for a moment but kept walking. Vince ran across the lobby, not even caring about his complete lack of shoes. “Aly! Wait up, please.” 

She turned around, eyes watering, and sighed, walking over towards one of the chairs with a defeated look on her face. She didn’t even sit down, just perched on the arm like she wasn’t quite comfortable with actually settling in, like she needed to be able to up and leave at any given moment. “Please, Vince. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. I’m not mad at you for not feeling the same way, it wouldn’t be fair of me and people can’t control their feelings, but I feel like a fucking idiot right now. Like I spent so long misreading all sorts of signs and signals and words —”

“What if you didn’t?” Vince asked breathlessly. 

Aly looked startled. “What do you mean?”

“What if you didn’t misread anything, Aly? What if you didn’t have to be mad at me for not feeling the same way, because I do?”

Aly sunk into the chair, her eyes meeting his for the first time since she had left his apartment. “Then why...Why did you not say anything? How did you not know we were in a relationship?”

Vince ran a hand through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. “Because I thought that’s all you were going to give me. And if that was it, that was enough for me,” he smiled sadly. “I thought everything, the sex and the wedding and the Bahamas, was just me being a good friend and you needing a stress relief and someone who’d always be in your corner. I never knew this was supposed to be a relationship. I didn’t think you wanted anything serious. And I had resigned myself to that, come to terms with only getting stolen kisses on late nights and early-morning coffee runs before you had to head to school. If I only got you halfway, I was okay with it, because I love you and that was better than nothing.” 

“You what?” Aly’s breath caught in her throat. 

“I love you,” Vince said. It was the easiest thing he had ever admitted. Because it was true. 

He had told her he loved her before, but as Aly searched his face, she could tell that he meant it in a different way. In the way she always wanted him to. “You love me?” she asked, voice cracking. 

Vince nodded. “I do. I’m in love with you. And you don’t know how good that feels to admit.”

Aly gave an airy laugh, reaching up to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear before Vince had a chance to get it for her. “I think I might.”

“I’ve just got one question, though,” Vince asked. 

“Which is?” 

He cracked a smile. “You’re not going to make us change our anniversary date, are you? It would be pretty weird to explain to everyone and I really don’t want Aunt Ruth to find out and show up at my door to chase me around with a chainsaw.”

Aly giggled, leaning over and placing an exhilarated kiss against his lips. “No.”

[one-chicago-fanfiction]

Gabby and Antonio: This Instinct to Run

Word Count: 2k

Summary: This story is set many years prior to the beginnings of all One Chicago shows. When Antonio tells Gabby he's having top surgery at last, the two of them share a difficult, interesting conversation.

Antonio Dawson was nervous. He was waiting for his sister in their usual spot—a diner on the corner, just a few blocks away from the house they grew up in. It had, for a while, been their after school place, mostly in the years where Gabby was too young to be home alone, and Antonio’s school bus took longer to get him home than her’s did. They were older now, and Antonio was nursing a coffee, slouched down in the seat, one knee up at his chest, the other leg stretched out before him. He probably didn’t look nervous, but his heart was slamming hard in his chest, and a sickly sort of adrenaline coursing through him.

They hadn’t seen a lot of each other lately, and it was starting to take a toll as far as Antonio was concerned. Gabby was taking classes, training as an EMT. Antonio’s heart, meanwhile, still pulled him towards the same two things it always had. One of those things was the Chicago police department, a dream he’d harboured for almost as long as he could remember. When he thought about how long it was taking him to get started in his career there, he ached as if he’d already lost something. There was a desperation there, thrumming under his skin, a voice telling him soon, soon…

But first, there was something else he needed to do, something even more important. This thing, this one last thing on his to do list before he could start the rest of his life? Antonio Dawson had never wanted anything more.

Gabby walked into the diner, and met his eye with a smile and a nod. She ordered herself a drink and slid onto one of the seats opposite him, pausing only to kiss his cheek before she pulled off her coat and sat down. Antonio sat a little straighter. There was so much of their mother in Gabby, and the smile he gave his loving, strong willed, incredible sister was small, nervous. Something flashed through her eyes, something like suspicion. She’d seen, right away, the thing he’d been trying to hide.

“Good to see you, sis,” he said. Gabby hummed, dismissing his attempt at pleasantries.

“What’s going on with you?” She asked, nodding thanks to the waiter who placed her coffee on the table between them. She took a long sip.

“What’re you talking about?” Antonio asked. “I’m all good.”

“Sure,” said Gabby, wiping foam from her top lip. “That’s why you’re all weird and—sweaty—right now.”

“I’m not...” Antonio started, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. “I’m not sweaty.”

“And I’m not stupid,” Gabby said. “This isn’t no casual catch up. I wanna know what’s going on.” As kindly as she said it, her unblinking gaze was a challenge, and one of the common themes of their childhood had been Gabby’s challenges, Antonio succumbing to them every time.

“Okay,” he said. “Fine. I have news. I was gonna build up to telling you this, you know? I was actually gonna ask how things are going with you.”

“You can ask me that after,” she said, then another swig of her coffee. Antonio could smell the sweetness of it from here. Pumpkin spice maybe. Damn October. A pang of envy struck him. He should have thought of that himself. He cleared his throat, pulled himself back to what mattered.

“Sure,” he said, a quick glance around the diner before he went on, talking a little quieter now. “Okay. I, uh…I got the money together for my top surgery. It’s finally gonna happen.”

“Woah,” Gabby said, eyes wide, pushing her coffee aside as she leaned in a little closer. “Woah, Antonio. That’s—amazing. Are you, uh—I mean—do you have a date yet?”

“Two months from now,” he said, unable to stave off his idiot grin, even with his heart pounding so hard. He wondered if he looked as unhinged as he was worried he did.

“That’s soon,” Gabby said.

“Not soon enough,” Antonio said. “Trust me.”

“So,” said Gabby, and paused. It unsettled him that she was taking her time, choosing her words so carefully. It was something he was getting slowly used to, the way his sister would hold herself back sometimes, like his coming out had undone some of the comfort between them, like she couldn’t just let herself be, in case she said something that stung him, as if he wasn’t able to come back from that. Like she didn’t completely know him anymore.

“So?” He prompted.

“So,” she said, “you’re ready, then? I mean…for all of…for everything?”

“All of it,” Antonio said. “I’m ready for all of it.” Gabby smiled.

“Then I’m happy for you.”

“Look,” said Antonio. “I know some of this has been weird for you, but I—“

“Hey, no,” said Gabby. “It’s not that, I just—“

“Would you let me finish?” He said, a fond smile on his face. Gabby yielded with a nod of deference, slouching in her seat now, the mirror image of her brother across the table.

“I just wanted to say I appreciate your support,” he said. “I mean…I also kinda wish you’d stop treating me like some fragile bird.” Gabby made a face.

“Fragile bird?”

“Honestly?” Antonio started. “Never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss you messing with me all the time. Lately you’ve been treating me like I can’t handle that stuff. Is it, uh…Is it that you’re…”

“That I’m what?” She asked, watching him so intensely now that he had to take a breath just to steady himself.

“Okay,” he said. “Sometimes I’m scared that…I mean, sometimes it feels like, maybe, you don’t know how to talk to me anymore.”

“Antonio,” she said, and his mind jumped back to the first time he’d told her the name he’d chosen, the first time she repeated it back to him, setting it in stone for the both of them. “It’s not that. It’s just…okay, yeah, this is all new to me. I’m kinda learning as we go here. And I love you no matter what, and I want you to be happy. I’m not mom and dad. I’m not gonna try to push you back in the closet just so I can tell myself we’re a normal family. You’re my brother, and I know now—that’s who you’ve always been. It’s just...I guess I’m still getting used to the fact that I was wrong for so long.”

“Okay,” Antonio said, holding himself back from apologising, quiet and desperately proud for not saying it right there at the table. He’d apologised to their parents, to the couple of so called friends who didn’t get it, to the girlfriend who’d broken up with him, pretty much on the spot. At the first hint of her sadness, Antonio had made his apologies and left. But time had passed now, and his truth wasn’t something to apologise for anymore. He knew that now. Or, at least, there were moments when he knew it, and moments when he tried to.

Nobody deserved those apologies from him, and nobody else was going to get them. Not even Gabby.

“Just be patient with me,” Gabby said. “I really am trying.”

Antonio bristled a little, but forced a smile despite it. They’d always been close, always been the ‘Dawson Girls’ growing up, and Antonio had hated that term even before he truly understood why. He wondered if, despite knowing he was only one person, had only ever been one person, if Gabby was mourning him anyway, even as he sat opposite her.

“If you miss having a sister,” said Antonio, “just know you never really had one at all. Just the idea of it, that’s all.” Gabby made a face.

“Well, okay,” she started. “I get that, but for a long time there, that idea was my reality. It’s gonna take me longer than—“

“It’s been over a year,” Antonio said. He hadn’t expected this when they’d arranged to meet, this anger in him, the hot liquid shock of it coiling under his skin. Another living thing inside of him.

His transition was not a graveyard. He wasn’t burying his old self, wasn’t killing off some girl, someone’s daughter, someone’s sister. They hadn’t talked about it, but Gabby had mourned a little at every landmark of his transition. She’d celebrated with him of course, but he could sense the sadness in her too, quiet and hidden away. The day he came out to her, the day he started testosterone, the first day she noticed a drop in his voice. The binder he wore today was safe, and it fit him correctly, and now that he was on T it helped him pass in public, but it still felt like a prison.

Summer had passed, sticky and hot, and all the while Antonio had contended with the harsh fabric against his skin, his chest pressed impossibly flat against him, a miracle and a curse all at once. Working out was almost impossible, breathing too deeply ached, and the sight of other men effortless in tank tops, or shirtless in public—it stung him just to see it. He’d lost count of the summer days he’d spent whiled away inside, just so he didn’t have to bind in that heat, just so he didn’t have to come face to face with the things he needed to survive, and didn’t yet have.

His sister watched him from across the table, folded her arms across her chest. There was Dawson anger in her as well, and the barest hint of disappointment that only made Antonio want to get up and leave. He’d perfected that too—this instinct to run.

“Do you really think I’m like that?” Gabby asked. “You really think I’m not happy for you, just because I miss thinking I had a sister? Sometimes I do miss thinking that, but I have a brother now, and I wouldn’t change you for anything. All that stuff mom and dad think matters? It doesn’t. This does. We do.”

Antonio blinked. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s...that’s what I mean. I guess...I guess I just don’t like feeling like I’m something you have to settle for.” Gabby’s gaze hardened on him then. She was fierce, and wild—they both were, in a way, but Gabby was sharper at her edges, and stronger at her heart. Antonio swallowed hard.

“You are not a consolation prize, Antonio,” she said, and for a long moment afterwards, neither of them said anything. They just sat there, the Dawson siblings, eyes fixed on each other, just watching, waiting for one of them to break.

In the end, as was always the way among them, it was Antonio.

“Long story short,” he said, “I called you here to ask you something.”

“Sure,” said Gabby, reaching for her coffee once more, the tension going out of her, the air a little cooler and easier to breathe between them. Antonio felt his heartbeat calm a little too. He fixed his eyes on the table in front of him.

“Can I, uh…Can I stay with you for a while? After surgery I mean.” He glanced up to find Gabby smiling at him, watched as she reached across the table and punched him on the arm, as if they were kids again. “Ow.”

“Damn right you’re staying with me,” she said. “Someone’s gotta keep an eye on you.”

“There’s no one better,” he said, rubbing his arm. Gabby laughed.

“No one better to order me around,” she said, “than my big brother.”

“Will you listen to me, though?” He asked.

“Nah,” said Gabby, and clinked her cup against his before downing the rest of her coffee. “Cheers.”

[fmdarcy]

hello  friends  !   my  name  is  dani   (  twenty1  ,  she  /  they  ,  pst  )  ,  and  i’m  super  exciting  to  write  with  y'all  !   i’ve  brought  two  muses  to  pester  you  all  with  ,  so  without  further  adieu  ,  allow  me  to  introduce  darcy  albrecht  !

i  .    the  application   !

𓂃  *  ｡  ◜  alex  fitzalan  ,  cis  man  ,  he  /  him  .  ꒰  DARCY  MADISON  ALBRECHT  just  walked  through  the  lobby  and  took  the  soundproof  elevator  to  apartment  2103  .  obviously  ,  they  can  afford  their  home  at  the  ivy  because  they  are  a  professor  of  biochemistry  at  columbia  university  ,  which  is  kind  of  hot  if  we’re  being  honest  .  we  saw  on  the  lease  agreement  that  they  are  TWENTY  EIGHT  years  old  and  originally  come  from  greenwich  ,  connecticut  ,  usa  even  honestly  filling  out  the  questionnaire  by  saying  they’re  reticent  but  also  diligent  .  anyway  ,  other  tenants  already  associate  them  with  A  DARK  ROOM  DIMLY  LIT  BY  ONLY  YOUR  LAPTOP  SCREEN  ,  SEVEN  DOLLAR  ARTISAN  ICED  COFFEES  ,  A  BATTERED  HERMÈS  BRIEFCASE  .  however  ,  we  think  if  they  ever  become  famous  —  the  headline  would  be  ‘  dr.  albrecht  rakes  in  more  $$$  by  selling  newest  treatment  method  to  pharmaceutical  companies  ’  .  but  whatever  ,  make  sure  to  borrow  some  sugar  from  this  tenant  cause  we  sure  are  !  ꒱  d  ,  twenty  one  ,  pst  &  n / a  ◞

ii  .    the  statistics   !

           *   basics  :

full  name  :   darcy  madison  albrecht  .  gender  :  cis  man  .  pronouns  :   he  /  him  /  his  .  age  :   twenty  eight  .  birthday  :  january  1st  ,  1994  .   zodiac  :   cap  sun  ,  virgo  rising  ,  taurus  moon  .  orientation  :  bicurious  .  nationality  :  american  .

          *   background  :

parent(s)  :   edward  albrecht  —  father  ,  sixty  ,  real  estate  magnate  ,  angela  demaske  -  albrecht  —   mother  ,  deceased  ,  previously  a  stay  at  home  mother  .  sibling(s)  :   n  /  a  .   pet(s)  :   two  dark  grey  cats  named  duchess  and  duke  .   language(s)  spoken  :   english  ,  conversational  french  .  education  :   high  school  diploma  ,  b.s.  in  biochemistry  ,  ph.d  in  biochemical  engineering  .  hometown  :   greenwich  ,  connecticut  ,  usa  .  

         *   psychology  :

temperament  :   melancholic  .   moral  alignment  :  lawful  good  .  parallels  :   adam  carlsen  (  and  honestly  olive  smith  too  )  from  the  love  hypothesis  by  ali  hazelwood  ,  jay  gatsby  (  the  great  gatsby  )  .  greatest  vice  :  wrath  ,  greatest  virtue  :   diligence  .

iii  .    the  story   !

        *   trigger  warnings  include  :   terminal  illness  ,  cancer  ,  death  of  a  parent  .  all  will  be  tagged  accordingly  down  below  .

it’s  the  first  day  of  1994  when  he’s  born  ...  his  mother  always  regards  him  as  lucky  because  of  it  .  but  as  far  as  darcy’s  concerned  ,  his  birth  was  his  last  charmed  experience  .

his  father  is  the  ceo  and  majority  shareholder  of  albrecht  assest  management  inc  —   the  ruler  of  a  billion  -  dollar  real  estate  empire  —   and  his  mother  takes  the  liberty  of  staying  home  to  bond  with  her  newborn  son  .  this  is  how  it  is  for  many  years   :   just  darcy  and  his  mom  .  dad’s  too  busy  with  another  meeting  ,  or  another  flight  ,  or  another  press  junket  .  needless  to  say  ,  he  bonds  with  his  mother  much  more  than  his  father  .  he’s  happy  this  way  .

(   cancer  ,  terminal  illness  ,  death  of  a  parent  —   proceed  with  caution  )   but  soon  ,  it  changes  for  the  worst  .  at  fifteen  ,  darcy  is  struck  with  the  news  that  his  mother  was  diagnosed  with  stage  iv  ovarian  cancer  .  she  remains  as  jovial  as  ever  ,  existing  with  a  gracious  radiance  that  he  admires  so  .  his  father’s  around  more  now  ,  but  it  almost  feels  like  living  with  a  stranger  .  she  lives  longer  than  expected  ,  but  eventually  succumbs  to  her  illness  eight  months  after  her  diagnosis  (  end  of  triggers  )

this  was  hard  on  the  entire  family  .  his  father  buried  himself  in  his  work  ,  coming  around  to  see  darcy  even  less  now  .  the  rest  of  his  high  school  years  were  spent  mostly  with  tutors  and  his  butler  ,  benedict  ,  who  became  something  of  a  parental  figure  to  him  .  darcy  was  lucky  to  have  resources  available  to  him  that  made  the  transition  easier  ,  but  that  didn’t  mean  it  didn’t  take  a  toll  on  his  psyche  .

darcy  lacked  someone  to  really  lean  on  ,  so  he  took  it  upon  himself  to  stand  up  on  his  own  —   he  felt  the  need  to  grow  up  quickly  .  he  was  a  very  independent  child  ,  and  that  translated  to  his  adult  life  too  .

when  he  turned  eighteen  ,  he  was  accepted  to  massachusetts’  institute  of  technology  to  study  biochemistry  .  much  like  his  father  ,  darcy  buried  himself  in  his  work  .  this  worked  out  well  for  him  ,  landing  him  a  bachelor’s  degree  in  biochemistry   (  and  a  minor  in  mechanical  engineering  )  .  he  was  then  accepted  as  a  ph.d  candidate  at  harvard  university  to  research  a  new  method  of  detecting  ovarian  cancer  to  help  increase  chances  of  survival  .

his  passion  for  his  work  ,  coupled  with  his  unending  determination  ,  landed  him  a  ph.d  in  biomedical  engineering  at  just  six  years  later  at  twenty  seven  .  shortly  after  ,  he’d  be  given  multiple  grants  to  continue  his  research  at  columbia  university  ,  where  he  is  now  a  first  year  professor  of  biochemistry  .

iv  .    the  personality   !

a  reflection  of  his  own  father  ,  darcy  tends  to  bury  himself  in  his  research  /  work  .  he’s  an  extremely  apt  scholar  —  intelligent  to  a  fault  .  he  oftentimes  feels  a  disconnect  between  him  and  other  people   (   probably  because  of  his  refusal  to  rely  on  anybody  for  anything  ,  even friendship  ,  but  you  didn’t  hear  that  from  me  ...  )  .  darcy  is  awfully  reticent  ,  and  tends  to  keep  to  himself  .  he  overthinks  most  things  he  says  ,  which  leads  to  a  lot  of  awkward  silences  before  he  realizes  he  should  spit  something  out  .  he’s  nice  enough  ,  but  he  might  come  off  as  cold  just  because  he  is  so  ...  awkward  at  his  core  .  he  doesn’t  feel  as  if  he  has  a  place  in  the  world  —  like  he’s  constantly  trying  to  jam  a  square  peg  into  a  round  hole  .  darcy  is  a  bit  of  a  lost  soul  ,  but  he’s  too  afraid  to  find  his  way  back  home  .