#but we did have our first breastfeeding success today so I am hopeful it won’t be forever

[whentherewerebicycles]

I seem to be fine most of the day and then I have a BIG mood dip around 8pm. I think I should just immediately go to bed instead of entertaining any thoughts at all about the future

[nettheworldonfire]

Bottle v.s. Boob

Breast is Best is our little girl's motto. In fact, if she were old enough, Olive would probably have the bumper sticker. This is why weaning my 6.5 month old, before her body or mine is ready, is a pretty devastating feat. Let me start by saying, I think formula is amazing. I have no qualms with those who choose to formula feed for their or their baby's best interest. Formula has everything a baby needs, built right in, and has the convenience of being able to be given by ANYONE (in theory). I went back to work at 3 months postpartum with Charlie. I was never able to keep up with a demanding pumping schedule, and slowly, my supply decreased, making Charlie exclusively formula fed by 8 months. Knowing I was headed back to work and that this might happen, we got him used to the bottle right away. We made sure he would take formula and everything went very smoothly. This time was different. Knowing I would be home with Olive for a year, I didn’t NEED to bottle feed. Still, I would obviously appreciate a break, or need one to write my dissertation, so we tried the bottle here and there. She would take an ounce on occasion, but often spit that up quickly, and sometimes violently refused, allowing milk to pool in her mouth and causing her to gag/choke.

Finding out that I have about 2 weeks to wean Olive may be the worst part (thus far) of this entire ordeal. Nutritionally, I think we can get her to eat what she needs to. She eats a lot of healthy solids. Fruit and vegetable purees and small pieces of fruit like pineapple, avocado, watermelon, and banana. She's eating eggs, yogurt, a little rice, noodles, and puffed rice snacks. There are plenty of other things I know she can and will enjoy eating - and I have been doing some research on high fat and high calorie foods. We've already started adding formula to yogurt and puree mixes, and she doesn't seem to mind. I can use it as the water in macaroni and cheese, or syringe it in her if absolutely needed. Plus, the pediatrician believes that with the types and amount of solids she eats, as long as we keep her calorie intake high enough (and not let her stuff her face with puffs and teething crackers) she should be fine. The issue is that Olive uses nursing as a sleep aid. When she's tired, that's all she can think about - the mom-nip. She is violently opposed to any other form of nipple entering her mouth, won't take a pacifier, and gets more and more frustrated. She does eventually calm with rocking and bouncing and singing, and will fall asleep in less than 20 minutes. She does not self-soothe and I have no interest in letting her "cry it out" - especially considering what is going on right now. Overnight, Olive cluster-feeds. I know this is more about comfort than hunger, but it works for us. She basically goes right back to sleep, making my life easier and not waking Owen and Charlie, and she's content. She pretty much sleeps for 10-12 hours most nights like this (waking to feed and drifting back to sleep). It isn’t perfect, but it works for us.

Once I realized this would have to soon end, I started keeping track of things. On Tuesday night, she woke up to feed five times. On Wednesday night, when I actively tried to change the routine, she woke four times and one of those times I rocked her to sleep instead of nursing. Last night, she woke up twice and I managed to only nurse her once. This involved one 4:30 a.m. fiasco, but it was manageable. Between the sleep deprivation of this sort of thing and being sick though, I am exhausted. And she generally seems less happy, which makes my heart heavy. This isn't the first time my body has failed me, but it is the first time my body is failing someone I love, and that is hard.

Aside from the emotional turbulence this is causing for everyone in the house, I also have the horrible awareness that stopping nursing will bring back the postpartum period hemorrhage that I so dread. (And I apologize if that was too much information, but want you to be aware this will not be the last time I do that in this blog - so the decision to be grossed out is yours).

Yesterday, I saw the amazing Louisa at the Breastfeeding Resource Center. This organization was a godsend when I was having challenges nursing Charlie as a newborn and I went back with Olive just for a refresher. When I emailed them to ask for tips or help with weaning, they again stepped up to the plate and were kind and informative, making me feel like I had a team of knowledgeable ladies in my corner (I know, I have hundreds out there ready and willing to advise and help, but this resource has just been incredible). That being said, there wasn't much "success" at this appointment. Olive wouldn't take the MAM bottle for them (I purchased one at their request to bring along to appointment). We've now tried the Enfamil disposable nipples (Charlie loved these), Tommy Tippee (Close to Nature), Spectra, the Mamijumi (some minor success), and the Honey Bear sippy cup that the doctor suggested, also. She’s also tried a variety of sippy and straw-style toddler cups. Nothing seems to be quite perfect, but we are going to keep trying. The BRC also gave me a nipple shield, typically used on a break to help a baby who struggles to latch to mom’s nipple. Several people mentioned that this may ease the transition from breast to bottle - so I would like to try (and it saved me the few dollars I was going to spend. Good thing too, because I am spending like $500 trying to find a bottle or pacifier or anything to soothe this little lady). The one thing that Lousia suggested which may be a game changer is birth control. She said many women take it to help reduce their supply. That may really make life a lot better. I HATE pumping. And to pump just to throw away my poisonous milk (that my daughter wants so badly but can't have) would just be torture. And how long will it take for me to naturally dry up? Plus - she could potentially nurse for comfort still if my body isn't dispensing anything into her mouth. I will obviously follow up with my OBGYN about the birth control and lactation question - but the BFC seemed to think this was an option. It could even help with a gradual decrease and therefore, a more natural wean.

I had always planned to look into medication for anxiety and moodiness after I was done having babies and breastfeeding, so I spoke with my primary about that this week. I've been struggling for a few years but didn't want to start anything I would have to stop during pregnancy or nursing, so I held off. I suppose this is a little bit of a silver lining. I am going to start Lexapro to combat some of the anxiety that is obviously getting worse with this looming shitstorm. I took Lexapro for a few months in 2010 when I had a little mental health struggle about six months after my dad passed away. I didn't love it. While I do think it did what I was hoping it would do (which was to help me break a weird cycle of crying/depression), it made me very, very tired (like needed to pull over to sleep during a 30 minute drive home from work tired), and I weaned off of the drug within a few months. I was lucky to not need it again. In 2012, before my Whipple I had HORRIBLE anxiety and a few attacks for which I was prescribed Xanax to help calm me (just a few days before the procedure). That definitely worked, but I felt under the influence at work, and probably shouldn't have been driving - so that wasn't ideal either. We will see how Lexapro does this time around and if I don't see much of a change - I may be asking you all for your favorites. My doctor is starting me on a very, very low dose to try to avoid the exhaustion, and we will go from there. Think happy thoughts.

In other news, after getting booted to Thursday for my biopsy, I got the automated call reminding me of my Monday appointment today. So I tried to speak with a real human and couldn't get ahold of anyone to check. It would be nice to know if I am having a procedure on Monday before Monday (for childcare, my mental health, planning, etc.) so if you have any idea on how to get this information (hospital is Nazareth) then please share!

On Monday, I have to call the OBGYN, the pediatrician, and Penn (to schedule my second opinion, for after the biopsy results are in).

* Dark side: Denying your baby a basic necessity is totally depressing.

* Bright side: When Olive is weaned, I am going to get so freaking drunk, you just watch.

* Next steps:

2/20/20 at 9:00 am - Liver biopsy under sedation (or is it 2/17/20 at 11:00 a.m., who knows)

3/2/20 at 10:15 am - Oncology appt. with Dr. Rose

* Inappropriate, but totally relevant, GIF -