#I’ll pull it up some time
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Full view of the sword.
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A couple of things I forgot to add. Look at the chandelier!
Decatur House pt 1
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Interesting thing that the tour guide pointed out is on the door lock is the British Coat of Arms purposefully upside down.
The Sword on the mantle is a real commemorative Sword from the state of Virginia to Stephen Decatur for his services. There’s an inscription about his victory over the HMS Macedonian on it.
#1812 commodores#preble’s boys#war of 1812#us navy#stephen decatur#rosey travels#washington dc#commodore stephen decatur#Picture of William Bainbridge#he knew he was plotting Decatur’s demise#interesting that David Dixon Porter mentioned his father David Porter’s part in the duel#I’ll pull it up some time
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okay so the other day i was pulling on the standard banner and-
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OKAY IGNIHYDE BROS. THANKS???? YOU’RE MY FIRST COMPLETED DORM SSR SET NOW IT SEEMS.
SIGH it should’ve been kalim or cater to complete my scarabia or heartslabyul set first 😭 but i have to be grateful or whatever i guess 😔✨
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ALSO THE JACK SSR ON A ONE-PULL OMG??? hi jack,,,, i know. we’re still looking for ruggie to complete the savanaclaw set. he is. nowhere to be found.
AND—
THANK YOU EPEL FOR BEING MY FIRST EVER POMEFIORE SSR EVER 🎉🎉🎉
anyways ugh. gacha games. i’m never touching the standard banner ever again good day everyone
#[—✦ rambling#-✧ twst gameplay#my gems and my thaumarks are crying#SO FOR CONTEXT-#i was on 50 pulls on the standard banner#and i have enough pulls to just go to pity#so i figured why not#after the 100th i’m just never gonna pull from this ever again#AND SO HERE WE ARE AND IT WAS WORTH IT#I THINK#I MEAN. THAT MEANS LESS PULLS FOR FUTURE CARDS….#AND IM PLANNING FOR THE (POTENTIAL) TAPIS ROUGE VIL-#i’ll. suffer the consequences later#im thankful again that jamil is not an ssr for now#and that both of them will be the same banner if i recall correctly#i think the next jamil ssrs for en will be bday and halloween#enough time to save up#UNLESS i decide to pull for some book 7 cards ughhhh#oh to be a. f2p gacha gamer.#i am always suffering
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doing the heavy lifting in a convo can be so tiring omfg
#THIS IS NOT ABT ANYONE HERE BTW I’M JUST RANTING#we talk abt the non-yappers but what about the Yappers…….#like are you interested in talking 2 me or not my friend lmk bc if not it’s always so much easier not to speak 😭#and i try to match people’s energies in how they text my friend said i’m a weird little chameleon like that#don’t know why they put the weird and little there but i’ll let it slide bc that’s oomf4life 🤨 but anyways#sighhhhhh sometimes i’m like oooooh am i too much ^_^ and then i back off#ONCE AGAIN THIS IS NOT ABT ANY MOOTS OR ANYTHING i love you all i would die for you#you can see me as the gum on your shoes and i’d be like :3 YIPPEE!!!!!!!!#but it’s like sometimes i talk and they don’t respond and i think they do to others and then i’m like :O LIKE DID I DO SMTHN WRONG#and like w IRL’s/close moots it’s totally fine like we’ve gone weeks w/o talking and then just get in the groove immediately#but then w a very small handful of people it’s like damn . baby i’m pulling teeth and i do Not feel like pulling anymore#BUT ALSO!!!!! i need to think from their perspective and maybe some people don’t like my texting energy which is fine and valid (die)#((kidding))#and also maybe some people feel that way abt me! like it’s pulling teeth or it’s just awkward (which is genuinely valid)#anyways . inch of resting#i will say i do worry sometimes that i end up centering the convo about what EYE think but i never mean it in a narcissistic way!#i just want them to know that i relate/they’re not alone! but i wonder if they may think that i’m making it abt me WHICH I PROMMY I’M NOT…#but there’s no point thinking that way but also . i don’t care NFNDNDNDN respectfully like i have my group and i can just stick w them :3#i rarely vent on here like this but SIGHHHHHH where else can i <3 i love tumblr tags#i would be nothing without tumblr tags i can talk here like it’s no one’s business#ANYWAYS TIME 2 EAT A BURRITO AND THEN WRITE#personal
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should i change my headcanons based upon “i saw it in a dream”
#as far as witcher dreams go this one was extremely mid as i actually woke up from it by going ‘but that doesn’t make any sense’#and i should have done that several times earlier#triss dragging geralt onto this cursed ass cruise ship by feigning illness and then lightly crying about it was the most in character thing#the thing is that in the dream the events of it were being presented ‘to me’ as ‘canon’#as in this was a new book or something a la crossroads so this is part of the lore now#so the thing was that geralt had another company in his 20s but they all died/were cursed/some insanity#one of them (and i only remember this bc it was terrifying for some reason) was turned into a tomcat and they couldnt figure out#how to change him back so they left him with other people and came back like 10 years later#it was like he forgot human life and was also a really old cat so they just allowed him to die as a cat#the other ones were not that interesting i think one was a postmaster who did fisstech and the other was a young mentally deficient girl#who had some powers/was a Source but she got betrayed when triss (yes triss was here) basically abducted geralt#and she took him on a cruise ship and then the game vampires (yeah so this is when i was like ‘what’) showed up#i guess they lived on or were haunting this cruise ship#actually was pretty cool because i got ‘POV lady orianna drinks your blood’ i’m OK with that#however regis and dettlaff showed up and immediately started acting like a monty python sketch or something#they kinda entered swaggeringly to start drinking people and#regis was like ‘ok you go around that side of the room and i’ll go around this side and we’ll take a survey’#and dettlaff was like ‘why drink from all of them to judge the taste just take a few … ‘samples’’#and regis went ‘ohhhhhhhh’ and they had this loud conversation in front of a room of terrified humans#and the dream ended with me basically pausing it and arguing to some other people that this can’t happen because so and so#and i started trying to pull examples/quotes about it#this is the most embarassing and unhinged dream i have had about the witcher i’m going to go hide in a hole now#usually my dreams are some semblance of canon or at least what i like and prefer#dude. regis showed up at the end but his game design. and his outfits were ugly 😭😭😭#the elbow-high diaries#oh but the ONE thing that was kind of cool was seeing how vampires are created#they fall from the sky in stormy weather and are invisible to the human eye and then if they come across another they scream them to death#or not death but dissipation and then they absorb the defeated one’s?? traits or whatever#i kind of like my current idea better but maybe this for like a subset of them or something
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Unfortunate part of being knowledgeable about your health problems and what happens when you’re sick is your family will accuse you of being on webMD all the time
#els.txt#and some of the time it’s like. you know I can FEEL a sore throat or a swollen lymph node right#like I’m not just pulling signs and symptoms out my ass here#and I’ve never been wrong about any of the shit either. I’ll go ‘hm I think something is wrong because this feels off’#and they’ll go ‘okay whatever Ellie you’re fine lay off Google’#then I’ll go to the doctor and the doctor will say ‘something is wrong and you can tell because this thing is off.’#and it’ll be shit that I’ve already been diagnosed with too! I’ll explain what the doctor told me and they’ll act like I’m making shit up
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2 hour rough drawing of Ehuang, my precious Green Opal child who I don’t draw nearly enough <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#original character#ehuang beifong#<— finally. a new OC with a proper tag#tbh it is much easier to tag characters who have last names#and we’ve never discussed it but I do think Ehuang carries the Beifong last name. whether or not she uses it is a different matter#I feel like she’s a Beifong officially she never puts much emphasis on it. she prefers the other side of her family anyway#okay moving on from that#next gens for next gens. quite a deep niche in reaching here#but I don’t care. I love Ehuang as a representation of everything good and pure in the world too much to object to her existence#baby girl. sweet girl#and yeah I’ve drawn her with Midori Opal and Suiren before so I thought I’d try something else#and while Kuvira isn’t actually shown here. just know that she’s absolutely tearing up off screen#you can pull the idea of Kuvira absolutely adoring her little niece out of my cold dead hands#wait omg I never posted my earlier art of Ehuang on here have I#okay once I’m done with my current projects I’ll refine and post those#the world deserves to see more of Ehuang#I feel like this particular scenario also hits some spot in Kuvira bc she knows who Ehuang’s bio dad is#and Ehuang looks just enough like him. despite being very similar to Midori. that imagining her with a beauty mark under her eye…#it brings Certain Ideas to mind. very fleeting and eliciting a ‘imagine that. I love this girl to bits but I’m sure glad I’m not her mom’#kind of response. but overall no one really lingers on that fact. I feel. her parents are Midori and Opal#Bataar’s just the donor. no one calls him her bio dad. he doesn’t see her as his daughter. probs Suyin is the only one who puts up a fuss#like not letting up about Ehuang being his kid even though he’s told her countless times that his involvement is irrelevant#he doesn’t wish to be ehuang’s dad. that wasn’t why he helped create her.#he did so because he loves his sister and SIL. because he knew they wanted a baby. not because he wanted a child himself#he’s quite content being her uncle thank you very much. and idk why I just went on this ramble lmao#maybe I should try to write something Ehuang related. explore all these relationships and whatever. we’ll see
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more doodles
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dohko is fully aware he the cool uncle
#saint seiya#saint seiya fanart#los caballeros del zodiaco#aries shion#aries mu#libra dohko#taurus aldebaran#capricorn shura#dohko casually adopting kids and raising them on a ranch. he’s got apple trees in the back and milo shows up to pick some#shion takes care of the gemini twins and the aio brothers (he doesn’t do a good job tho. busy being a gym leader probably)#I think I’ll go with the typical sts plot of shion trying to retire. saga and aioros are the 2 contenders for the position#kanon’s just screwing around in the background but has beef with saga. shura pops in every so often and looks up to aioros#he ends up catching a skarmory just cause ros has a bunch of birds. aioria goes to the ranch sometimes and becomes rivals with milo#(he probably ate one of his apples) Still figuring out the bs kanon pulls off to screw up the planet#eventual time skip and now the bronze boys are on their own journey
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if you ever think I’m exaggerating how much I cry at the end of Gladiator every time I see it, just know that I used up two washcloths last night during the fifteen minutes it took me to get my composure after the movie ended
#i spend three hours with my beloved and then i have to watch him die 🥺#it’s a gut punch every time#my beautiful beautiful wonderful man#there will never be another like him#last night i was rewatching gladiator and somehow it pulled me in even more than usual#it was like i was seeing some scenes over again for the first time#maximus makes me sob every time#the way he mourns his family through the whole movie just. guts me#his quiet sorrow and grief and agony#and they sheer skill of his fighting abilities#loved watching him just demolish all his enemies honestly#the battle the gladiator matches the final duel everything#the final duel is everything to me because it’s so short#i love that they didn’t drag it out to make it more dramatic#even when maximus is wounded he’s still the expert fighter and commodus never had a chance#maximus is literally bleeding to death and gasping for air and also just. throwing commodus around like a rag doll#my man is STRONG. he’s so determined#i spent the whole movie just yearning to gather him up in my arms#i want to hold him so much i just#i want to comfort and treasure and adore him#sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to get through gladiator without sobbing#like if maximus will ever become less dear to me#and so far the answer is never in a thousand years#how could i ever stop loving the only good man?? the best and greatest man???#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#text posts
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“Well Doc? What do you think? Can I pull off your look?”
This was prompted by a cute idea my friend and I were talking about where Rivet tries on Starline’s coat and he adjusts and fixes it for her because she didn’t put it on right.
But uh— then I went overboard and wanted to see if she could pull off his entire look, so, let’s just say hypothetical-villain-Rivet has been born!
Starline’s more just stunned that what’s going on in front of him somehow works.
#I’m in a rivetline state right now#i need fluffy wholesome to combat the sad I’m writing right now#sonic#sonic idw#dr starline#sonic oc#live doc reaction#starline the platypus#rivet the cat#rivetline#sonic oc x canon#yes sir that is your girlfriend and she’s somehow pulling off your look#maybe I’ll do some more art another time of a role reversal AU#villain rivet would be terrifying#she’d actually end up worse than Starline#my art#digital art#Starpoint Squad AU#Restoration Arc
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fuck i really am a perfectionist FUCK
#i’ll just be sitting there thinking some shit like i wish i could find the Ideal Way to do Everything surely it can’t be that hard surely if#i just keep trying different things different self-imposed systems surely i’ll find one that will get me to do everything- ah lads#AH LADS NOT AGAIN!!!!#good that i’ve started noticing though#before i’d just have the thought#now i can actually realize when i have a thought that boils down to ‘if i try hard enough i can become perfect’#coughs. coughs very discreetly and awkwardly.#i will still keep trying to be the best person best musician i can but. how do i separate that from perfectionism? how do I JUST GO HOW DO#JUST LIVE?#computer search how to become a perfect being. i mean computer search how to become able to function on command#rather than forcing myself to do things#even if it’s. IM GONNA FUCKING SCREAM this is just like when i yelled at my friend in the practice rooms#i love her and we have good conversations but i think there we reached a point where we really couldn’t help each other anymore#not like in GENERAL just in that. i have my problems and I FUCKING KNOW what they are but. i don’t know! it’s just not art fucking easy!#why is it not fucking easy it should be fucking easy! why am i scared of everything!#is everyone scared of everything??????#I NEED A THERAPIST MOMENT NUMBER FIVE THOUSAND#i might not even need a therapist though maybe i’m just fucking growing up#BUT I’D LIKE TO NOT HAVE AN UNDERCURRENT OF FEAR ON ALMOST EVERY TIME#not every time i’ve gotten better but it creeps back like the water and im like oh you and then i#can’t pull the stopper why can’t i pull the FUCKIN stopper it’s right there it’d be so easy and#nothing repels me except something mysterious some the water the water repels me#just by being there the water will not harm me it will not affect me in any way and i know this and i fear the water#should i write a fuckin poem. lmfao.
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Spotify prompt! Knuckles and tails, an 19 :)
Oh hoho! You managed to land FightSong by EVE (<- YouTube link), a song that by all rights shoulda been #2 (<- I refuse to pay Spotify money).
Hmm…. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything with Super Sonic Speed, but I always did intend to write follow-ups…
.•.•.•.
The city is unbelievably loud. They’re in what Sonic had called a shopping district, and it’s apparently very popular. Knuckles would kind of like to go home, a lot, actually, but Tails is flirting from one shop to another and he doesn’t have it in him to shut the kid down. Sonic is somewhere on the periphery of their little group— he and Tails had bonded, thick as thieves, and Knuckles— well, he tolerated the guy.
Tails gasps like he’s seeing the sun rise for the first time, excited enough that he’s lifting off the ground. Knuckles ambles over, grabs him by the ankle, and pulls him back down. He’s looking at some sort of… thing. Knuckles can’t make heads or tails of it, but it’s definitely saying something to Tails.
Hmm. He is, at least, familiar with the idea of shops. Chao liked to set them up, sometimes, selling fruit or handmade crafts for rings, but Knuckles has no idea if their idea of currency and everyone else’s aligns. Would the shopkeep accept a fruit? Most chao did. It isn’t like rings are a problem, so…
Knuckles turns, seeking out Sonic in the crowd. There he is— stiff as anything, glancing frantically back and forth between Knuckles and some other hedgehog, a pink one. One of his friends, maybe? They look irritated, maybe not. Knuckles steps away from Tails, invites himself into their conversation.
“and you just RAN OFF—“ the hedgehog is shouting. Sonic cracks his mouth open, a faint wheeze escaping.
“Hey,” Knuckles says.
“—do you have ANY IDEA how WORRIED I was—“
This looks like a battle Sonic is better off fighting on his own. Still, Knuckles needs his question answered. “Hey,” he repeats, slightly louder.
“—I mean, I knew you were alright because my cards said so, but—“
“Hey Knuckles,” Sonic manages to crack out, “this is Amy.”
Amy tilts her head at him, and then gives him a sharp, discerning once-over. “Are you one of his other friends?” She asks.
“Yeah, sure,” Knuckles says, and then “do rings work as currency down here?”
She blinks at him, as if this is a weird thing to ask. “Yes?” She says.
“Okay,” Knuckles says, nodding, “try not to scare him too bad.”
Any lingering confusion evaporates, and she whirls around to find Sonic trying to sneak away. “AGAIN!” she shouts, full of conviction, and Knuckles makes his way back to where he left Tails. He isn’t pressed up against the glass anymore, so Knuckles steps into the store. Yeah, there he is. Hovering— literally— over the same display.
Knuckles takes a moment to properly observe, rooting around for the terms Tails would use, in an attempt to ensure he gets the right thing. There’s a looping track, and a few other gadgets on the sides. A switch, one of them looks like, and some barricade, and a few blinking lights. On the track itself is a… sideways cylinder, set on wheels, connected to a few boxes, puffing out smoke— or steam, maybe. Tails is absorbed enough in watching it chug along that he doesn’t even realize Knuckles is standing right next to him. Knuckles’ll just have to make sure he comes up for air, occasionally.
He casts about the rest of the store, vaguely lost. There are a lot of displays, and a lot of colourful boxes. Knuckles picks up one, flips it over, and realizes swiftly he is out of his depth. He brings the box over to Tails, handing it to him. Tails holds onto it for a full few seconds, watching with bated breath as the cylinder switches tracks, before he looks down. His fur all along his spine puffs up, and he turns to look at Knuckles so fast he has to wonder if Sonic hasn’t started to rub off on him in more ways than one. That’s the right box, for sure.
“Really?” Tails asks, voice breathy with excitement, and Knuckles ruffles his fur instinctually.
“‘Course.”
Maybe the shopping district isn’t that bad.
#eggthew#prompt fill#askbox#uhhh so. I kind of barely followed fightsong at all I CAN EXPLAIN#went off the visuals instead of the lyrics. two people running around in city. ooh I could do knuckles protecting tails from Eggman in some#kind of egg city! ah hang on there’s the eggperial city arc in idw and I haven’t read that yet. so I’m not confident in portraying it. hmmm#I could do a Different egg city… man Knuckles and Tails. what a great pair. I really enjoyed writing them in super sonic speed. hey! I could#do super sonic speed’s Knuckles’s first time in a city! maybe he gets kind of freaked out? escape from the city haha#well tails would be familiar with cities. and sonic would be there ofc but I’ll shuffle him off to the side so he doesn’t hog the spotlight#I could do tails looking at a shop! yeah! and knuckles needs to ask how currency works but sonic is… busy? hmm. oh! a city!!!! amy lives in#a city!! she runs into sonic! which keeps him from coming back over with knuckles. I always did mean to write her reunion with sonic.#that’ll be nice to do. alright. perfect. it’s all working out. get to the final few lines. think ‘hey how did I end up with this anyway.’#pulse of adrenaline as my brain goes OH YEAH FIGHTSONG. ach.#I’m happy w this though :)#knuckles: I Tolerate sonic. at best.#sonic: hey I am in a vaguely uncomfortable situation#knuckles *rolling up metaphorical sleeves*: do I need to kick ass#Amy making a mental note: sonic apparently befriending a space alien okay okay cool#they meet up for ice cream. knuckles is inflicted with curse of immediate brainfreeze. tails is So Excited about his new model train set#within a week he mods it to A) be strong enough to pull the Master Emerald and B) be armed.
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/lighthearted
what’s it like to not have nightmares multiple times a week. do y’all just live normal style like that. couldn’t be me.
#blue chatter#I keep having weird messed up stress dreams#some part of me finds them interesting/funny so it isn’t so bad#but it is a lot#I feel bad for my poor roommate who had three awful nightmares in a row last night#but honestly that’s been happening to me in the mornings now#I’ll wake up from a dream and forget it#see that it’s like 4:35AM#go ‘oh I can sleep for a couple more hours’#and then wake up from the worst nightmare of my life#and It’s like 5:32AM#like girl u did not have time for REM sleep what is this#what are we pulling here#I don’t get it#but it keeps happening lately and I Don’t Love It
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ok i just need to write down these whack 1d dreams i’ve had the last couple days
#so two nights ago it was that zayn had a reality dating show and i was ON IT#and the whole time i was like 😭 i’m too gay for this can i leave pls#it was in this place that was both super tropical but also a desert#and zayn INSISTED we keep going on these long ass walks thru the sand i was just like bro can we go back#and he got mad at me when i said i needed to go take a walk to decompress after this story about his ex that he told me#it was so vivid and surreal#but then the dream i just woke up from i was part of 1d in like 2013 era???#and it was sooo busy so many interviews and a couple fan meeting things#and i was like damn this is exhausting#but also got to see these beaauuutiful places#like one of our hotels was suspended directly over this crystal blue water that had orca swimming thru it and we swam w the orca#and both harry and louis separately plotted w me to pull pranks on each other#harry was also like?? psychic?? like he could send images into everyone’s heads but he only did it w nice things lol#and then randomly at the end he came to work w my at this body jewelry company i used to work for#but like he was still him and on our application form to work there we had to disclose our income for some reason#and on his he was like i’m not telling u this 😐 don’t push it#like w the emoji too fhdhskeldk#but i’m out here like why am i dreaming of these guys even more when i’m taking a break from them#like i still listen to their music ofc but i don’t have the energy to participate in the fandom rn#it’s like they know and they’re like#u thought u could forget about us!!!!! syke bitch we’re haunting ur dreams now <3#but whatever i’ll take this over the other vivid dreams i’ve been having lately#anyway#rowyn rambles
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like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?
#purrs#i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you#just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me#even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one#place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im#mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when#i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student#affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the#start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever#be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live.#and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its#fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me#delete later
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I’m ill and I have to wake up for work in four hours or whatever but NONE OF THAT MATTERS!! I FOUND MY TIME LOOP STORY THAT I THOUGHT I HAD LOST! I HAVE WON!
#my last two uni assignments were absolute bangers and I made sure to keep the scifi essay safe because I was incredibly proud of that#even before submitting it#but I thought I had the time loop story saved#and I double checked I had everything when I knew I was losing access to my uni account#but idk it just kinda disappeared#and I’ve checked my laptop time and time again#but it wasn’t there and when I fried my old one with a glass of squash and had to replace it the chance of me still having it dropped lower#but for some godforsaken reason#ill beyond sanity and awake at two thirty in the morning#I decided to check my phone files#and I thought it would be just as futile as the check I did on my laptop yesterday#because the files should sync up#but it’s here!!#and I’m so relieved#and yeah it probably needs tidying up because I wrote this thing almost two years ago#but idk maybe I’ll be able to give this a good edit and pull through on my New Year’s resolution to submit something to a writing contest#tdlr: YIPPEE!!!!!
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something on my mind rn. as you all know i’m a lesbian. applause from the audience. and sometimes it just gets to be like annoying when. well. so i have at least A friend who’s asked me several times over ‘so you don’t have Any attraction to men? like at all?’ and i know they’re not being like malicious but you know. that answer has not changed since like seventh grade. and in the same vein it just feels aggravating when i have the nerve to say Oh i think she seems like a lesbian. that’s giving dyke. etc. and to be met with ‘umm well maybe she actually does like men.’ like. first of all in personal conversations if i’m just saying shit chances are i’m just going off of patterns from my own life or other lesbians i know. i’m not here for Bi Erasure and i promise you in this context your attraction to men is not ever invalidated as much as my lack of it. esp in college with so many people talking about their dating/app experiences and etc it’s 99.9999% of the time about men and i just Can’t participate in that conversation which is yk not the end of the world but a bit isolating and even if i do contribute anything it just feels like… a slight Stiffening like. and even just getting brushed off with Well yeah but you’re not even into guys. like real! i still have eyes though. and esp when my attraction isn’t being celebrated and engaged with in the way theirs is it’s just really fucking lonely! and maybe that’s a gross inner voice of insecurity that i’m projecting onto them but like you must get what i mean right. there’s still this odd air specifically around people who Do Not engage with men at all. and if i do make any kind of joke or comment abt someone maybe just Not being into guys i’m made into the asshole who’s invalidating their experiences etc when like. i’m just saying shit man idk. and it’s like many of these people are bi and claim attraction to women but get so like uncomfortable actually talking about it. i don’t think i’m the one with problems! i think there’s still some internalized shit there. you know. anyway all this to say as much as we’ve had the conversation of invalidating bi attraction some of you need to think about not treating gay attraction as this secondary awkward weird elephant in the room. and on a more personal note on top of the Everything that was getting under my skin last night this was just a cherry on top where i was feeling soo… misunderstood and invalidated lol even tho again i largely think those friends were being very supportive and kind to me. this is just one thing i was like. 😐
#esp cause the other one literally pulled the. well idk a man would have to be like Perfect but id still hook up with one. yeah it could be#any woman literally but you know men aren’t totally out of the picture if they’re like. Actually the most attractive man ever and then#i could just pretend it’s not a man#… and you want me to act like that’s not a dyke thing to say. like ok#i didn’t say that to her face btw she can figure that out herself. but you get what i’m working with#it’s so frustrating and truly. once again. just isolating. cause as long as people claim they’re into men it’s like they have this in for#so much bonding that i will never access cause i don’t give a fuck about men. so it’s like yeah i get defensive#esp speaking about a situation in which someone behaved so egregiously homoerotically with me and displayed many signs of um. being gay#and then could just run off with her bf she didn’t even seem to be that attracted to. u can see where#as MUCH as it’s not my goddamn business. when i’m dragged into that it would absolutely get under my skin and of course i’d say some stupid#shit about her needing to accept lesbianism into her heart. lol#because unfortch. yeah. That still came up as part of this. as much as i’d like to just forget it and move on#she just somehow fucking comes up and now it’s not even me obsessively talking abt it. it’s like that situation just cannot leave me alone#for my peace of mind. it’s been months. and that’s also sad and fucked for me cause it’s like#as horrible as that was for my like self esteem and peace of mind. it’s the fucking Only thing i had going for me in a long ass time#and since it just worked so well i latched onto it yk. and i have to trust as i get more confident and move on in the world#i’ll attract better people and whatnot#but it’s like personally extremely lonely and then just feels like an added stupid layer when. it just feels so invalidated in a way. idk#like no i did not have a relationship that i can technically mourn i just had a weird connection with someone who wouldn’t admit even the#slightest attraction even if it was glaringly obvious. it just preys on this stupid fucking loneliness i feel too. and i KNOW i don’t need#to constantly validate that and whatever and none of my friends actually think i’m delusional#it’s just that. i need to get a grip and not cling to it. like just accept it for what it is and go on. and when it’s brought up at random#when i’m already in a stupid sensitive spot it’s hard. u know. and then also w these friends they’re not used to hyperbole so when i say#shit like well i hope they die. they’re like Omg! 🙀 and i’m like oh my god i don’t mean that literally like. hello#this whole thing was not about film girl but of course she made a silly little guest appearance. in conversation#which is just embarrassing for me. you know.#pisses me off that she can move on and probably act like nothing even happened meanwhile i was over here sobbing like i’d been through#a heartbreak. and i’m remembered as like obsessive silly goofy crazy for it. and i was. but damn i’ve taken accountability for it 😭#abby talks#long post
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