#and it’ll be shit that I’ve already been diagnosed with too! I’ll explain what the doctor told me and they’ll act like I’m making shit up

[dilfsisko]

Unfortunate part of being knowledgeable about your health problems and what happens when you’re sick is your family will accuse you of being on webMD all the time

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #239: Late Night of the Super-Stars!

January, 1984

1984! Can’t wait to make a bunch of Orwell jokes that are poorly thought out and land poorly!

But I guess it’ll have to wait since we’re on Late Night with David Letterman in this issue.

This sure is an interesting turn of events. Although the team we see on the cover doesn’t seem to be the actually active roster. They’re over in the corner box turned away - either from shame or because they’re off doing their own thing.

Because its Assistant Editors’ Month!

A fun-sounding non-event. Although, looking it up, very few books that were considered part of the event actually did anything with it beyond a slightly goofy issue box on the cover.

So we’re going to see some Avengers go on a talk show today.

Superheroes as celebrities! What a novel idea.

Anyway, I learned an interesting detail about the cover that would have totally missed me. The checkerboard strip at the top was a hallmark of DC comics around this time. And the round MC logo in the top right is an obvious spoof of the DC logo from this time.

It’s not much more than a goof for this book but the Captain America book released for Assistant Editors’ Month also had the checkerboard and logo and was a style parody of DC comics.

Last times: Vision went into a robo-coma from walking into an invisible dome created by Annihilus and only recently recovered the ability to talk. New Avenger Starfox hooked Vision up to ISAAC the Titan computer and overclocked Vision’s robot brain so now he can project himself as a hologram and has an even faster computer brain. At the end of Avengers #238, the Avengers got a call from Tigra about some nonsense going on in San Francisco involving Spider-Woman.

Meanwhile, Hawkeye got a whole miniseries all to himself where he met Mockingbird, lost his job at Cross Technological, his girlfriend revealed that she was paid to date him and also hated him, he teamed up with Mockingbird to uncover an evil scheme by Crossfire to kill all superheroes, Hawkeye lost his hearing by putting an ultrasonic arrowhead in his mouth but foiled the scheme plot, and married Mockingbird. He’s had a very busy week or so!

This time: Hawkeye comes back to the Avengers Mansion to show off his cool new wife.

Hawkeye: “Hey, everybody -- your wanderin’ boy Hawkeye has come home... And you’ll never guess what I’ve gone and done!”

I can just imagine Mockingbird replying “Me” with the biggest shit-eating grin. She feels the sort to do that.

When Hawkeye and Mockingbird arrive there’s no one to greet them except the floating disembodied hologram head of the Wizard of Vizh.

Hawkeye has also made the decision, for some reason, to not wear the hearing aid that Mockingbird got him so he can’t hear what Vision is saying when he compliments his new costume.

Mockingbird introduces herself for Hawkeye and Vision tells the two to join him in the medical labs so they can catch up.

When they arrive, Vision raises his volume so Hawkeye can hear and recaps everything that’s happened to lead up to him becoming a robot in a tube who can hologram around.

Vision: “[Starfox] set up a direct link between ISAAC, the world-computer of Titan, to better diagnose my condition. But, instead, my brain became overloaded with ISAAC’s energy-information matrix --!”

Hawkeye: “And you became several with the universe, right?”

Vision: “‘Several with the’ --? Oh -- hah-ha! Very witty!”

Overclocking his brain seems to have done wonders for Vision’s sense of humor.

He even finds Hawkeye funny now.

Vision also explains where the dickens everyone else is (because Hawkeye asks him where the dickens they are. Its so weird for Hawkeye to say dickens).

Jarvis was given the day off to visit his mother, Captain America and Thor are both busy with nonsense in their own books, and the rest of the Avengers are off to San Francisco because of that call from Tigra.

Hawkeye offers to fly out and give them a hand, which Vision declines since they’ll call if they need help.

Instead he asks Hawkeye how he met Mockingbird and Hawkeye recaps the miniseries in only five panels.

He’s better at this than I am...

Hawkeye: “Anyway, Mockingbird and I had made a pretty good team -- so when it was all over, we ran off and got married!”

Mockingbird: “What can I say? The big lug needed somebody to keep him out of trouble!”

That’s the task of a lifetime, Bobbi. But good for you two! Cute couple is what I say.

Vision: “Marvelous! I hope you two will be as happy together as Wanda and I have been!"

Vision and Scarlet Witch probably are the healthiest superhero marriage of this time.

Vision asks if Hawkeye and Mockingbird intend to stay in the mansion, which they do. But it’s cool because Mockingbird has security clearance from working with SHIELD so they won’t need to bother Mr. Sikorsky and agitate his hatred of living in the superhero genre.

After Hawkeye takes Mockingbird off on a tour of the mansion, Vision receives a call from his brain brother, Wonder Man.

Who, very reluctantly, is coming to the Avengers with hat in hand. So to speak.

Wonder Man: “Okay. Here’s the situation -- my acting career hasn’t been going anywhere lately! So my agent, without my approval -- used the fact that I’m a reserve Avenger to get me a booking on David Letterman’s show, and now, they want me to bring other Avengers along with me! My agent really put me in a tight spot on this one. I hate to impose, but -- !”

Vision: “It’s no imposition at all, Simon! I’ll personally call the network and confirm the Avengers’ appearance!”

Wonder Man: “You’re sure it’s no trouble?”

Vision: “None whatsoever! After all, we have many Avengers -- !”

You sure do! Not as many as you’ll have by the No Surrender days. But still.

Also, I love this can-do attitude from you, Vision!

This is a pretty low priority in terms of fighting crime and whatnot but Vision is like THIS IS EXTREMELY DOABLE, I AM THE INTERNET.

Although imagine how sad it is from Wonder Man’s perspective. His agent put him on the spot pulling sorta-rank to get Simon some media attention but the media is like ‘ok but do you have something better?’

This man is trying to improve his career and the David Letterman show looked at him and said ‘ok but what else have you got?’

Oof!

Anyway, Vision uses the superpower of being wired into the phone system to call up some extra Avengers who aren’t very busy right now.

He calls Black Panther, Beast, and Black Widow.

Their varied responses are pretty funny.

But Black Panther’s is probably the best. He interrupts a meeting with his advisers to take the call and then he’s like ‘yeah sure I can drop everything I’m doing to appear on David Letterman!’

T’Challa really would rather be doing anything but kinging.

Beast initially protests that he’s too busy with the Defenders to just jump on some Avengers business but...

Beast: “The Letterman show? Hey, why didn’t you say so?”

And Black Widow is unbusy sunbathing at the Waldorf Towers while between missions. She doesn’t really want to make a television appearance (it’s kinda counterproductive for a spy, I would guess) but Vision mentions something that has Natasha agree to be there.

Based on what happens later, I guess Vision mentions that Hawkeye will be there.

A couple hours later, ELSEWHERE, well if it isn’t our ol’ friend and punchline Fabian Stankowicz!

Remember this goofus? He attacked the Avengers right when everyone was feeling bad about Hank Pym? Iron Man easily beat him up while the rest of the Avengers breezed on by. Or when he attacked Wasp’s cool superheroine brunch? Which was a hilariously terrible idea because he got between She-Hulk and breakfast foods. Also, nobody took him very seriously there either.

I guess the Avengers didn’t bother to press charges either time because he’s not in jail. He’s at his home working on some machines while his dad criticizes how he spends his time.

Dads, amirite?

Granted, what he’s criticizing is Fabian’s tendency to pick fights with superheroes. And... granted. Not a great use of his time.

But apparently Fabian can afford all the robot suits he keeps attacking the Avengers with because he won the lottery.

So he has a pretty good position to shoot down his dad’s protests, really.

Dad Stankowicz: “Fabian, I’m glad your poor mother didn’t live to see what’s become of you... It would’ve broken her heart!”

Fabian Stankowicz: “Aw, gimme a break, old man!”

Dad Stankowicz: “‘Old man’? This is the way you talk to your father?”

Fabian Stankowicz: “What do you want, egg in your beer? Was it you who won the state lottery and got us out of the Bronx? No, it was me! I won the money, and I’ll say how it’s spent! And I’m gonna use it to make a name for myself! Me... Fabian Stankowicz!”

And when Fabian sees an ad saying that the Avengers will be on Late Night with David Letterman, he has an idea. A wonderful, awful idea.

Also, who the heck puts egg in beer?

I’ve looked it up and I get that it’s a saying but apparently the saying is based on people actually doing that! Why??

The next afternoon, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, where the show 30 Rock and this issue of Avengers both happen, this issue of Avengers is happening.

A CBS page shows Black Widow to the green room where the other Avengers are already waiting.

Also: I know that it’s all the Avengers who weren’t busy (even though T’Challa really should have been?) but this is a fun roster.

Hawkeye, Wonder Man, Beast, Black Widow and Panther?

Heck, I could imagine this being the Marvel equivalent of the Justice League International team, one more geared for some light-hearted comedy?

Except we’re in 1984 so this predates that.

But you have Beast and Wonder Man, your comedy duo best buds. You have Black Panther and Widow being varying levels of straight man to the nonsense. And you have Hawkeye who can be very serious or very ridiculous depending on how hot-headed he’s being at the time.

This team could be hilarious!

(Avengers International. Think about it, Marvel.)

Outside the green room, our ol’ buddy ol’ punching bag, Fabian Stankowicz is in disguise as a repairman with a mustache as cover for installing some devices in the studio. Then he puts on a beard to disguise himself as Perfectly Normal Bearded Audience Member.

I appreciate his intiative although I doubt any of the present Avengers are gonna recognize this guy on sight even if he wore a t-shirt that said “I’m Fabian Stankowicz.”

Fabian Stankowicz: Boy, this is gonna be so sweet, especially after the way the Avengers made me look like a chump those last two times! This time, it’s gonna be different! This time, I’m going to have a ringside seat for the defeat of the Avengers!

Or at least the Avengers that were available to show up on the Tonight Show with David Letterman.

Y’know, I like Fabian Stankowicz. He’s just smart enough to be dangerous and dumb enough to be entertaining. I think there’s a place for an ineffectual doofus with delusions of grandeur in the foe Rolodex of any superhero team.

Meanwhile, back with said Whoever Was Availables, Black Widow and Mockingbird are meeting for the first time.

And luckily, they’re both mature adults who don’t act like you’d usually see in media when the missus meets the ex.

So with a fight to the death NOT happening in the green room, Hawkeye gets to asking Mockingbird about the errand he sent her on which was why she wasn’t in the room when Black Widow first showed up.

Presumably using every bit of skill in espionage at her disposal, Mockingbird got a copy of the questions Letterman will be asking during the show.

Because Hawkeye will be fielding the questions and he has made the decision not to wear his hearing aid. And has also made the follow-up decision that not only will he not be hearing anything tonight, he’s also definitely going to be fielding all the questions.

Mockingbird: “Why won’t you wear a hearing aid?”

Hawkeye: “No can do, sweetheart! The fewer people who know I’m half-deaf, the safer it’ll be for all of us!”

(I don’t really get this reasoning but okay, man)

Mockingbird: “Then why not let someone else be spokesman? This is supposed to be Wonder Man’s big night!”

Hawkeye: “Sure... but I’m the only active Avenger here! Give me a kiss for luck!”

Not for nothing does Mockingbird think that he can be impossible sometimes. And she’s only known him a couple weeks! She’s already come to the correct read on him in that short a time.

David Letterman starts the show with an opening monologue.

David Letterman: “Tonight... What can I say? Tonight is something really special! In fact, it’s probably the most special show we’ve had since our 'camping with Barry White’ program! Yes... hard to believe, isn’t it? But with all due respect to Mr. White -- I think that this show may be our greatest ever. But, as they say, ‘that’s for history to decide!’”

Imagine being a talk show host and getting to introduce the Avengers. Pretty neat.

I like that bandleader Paul Shaffer is wearing a Captain America jersey. Although that makes me wonder once again what merchandising is like for Marvel superheroes. 

Clearly it exists but did Cap sign off on a jersey mimicking his costume? Does he see any money from that? Or at least did he get to say that all profit goes to such and such charity?

Letterman introduces the Avengers for the audience.

(Fun how you can get a sense of their personality just by how they’re sitting. It’s the little touches that make a comic fun.)

Hm, I wonder how well the marvel public follows superhero roster changes.

I know that sometimes new Avengers rosters have gotten attention with press conferences and everything. And sometimes they just swap in and out members as personal business comes up.

Some of the people in the audience may not even recognize Black Widow as an Avenger. Becaaaaause, wait I don’t think she ever was one. She’s assisted on some missions and they were ready to vote her in when she vanished to go do a SHIELD mission.

Okay, better example, does anyone remember that Wonder Man- oh wait, he very publicly burst out of a crate in front of Avengers Mansion during press furor over a roster change. Also, he’s a pre-successful actor.

Black Pan- no, no. He was framed for killing the Avengers his very first day on the team. There was a manhunt.

And of course, everyone knows Beast was on the Avengers. He got around. Romantically.

David Letterman mentions that this group isn’t even all the Avengers because some couldn’t make it (read: were busy with more important things).

Which leads to a funny cut to audience where Beard Fabian is annoyed that this group is who got caught in his revenge scheme.

Fabian Stankowicz: Blast it, where’s Captain America? Where’s that &#%$ She-Hulk?

You better wash your brain out with soap before She-Hulk finds out you thought  that about her. She’s dunked people into the garbage for lesser offenses.

Beast decides that this Late Night interview is the best time to reveal that he’s quitting as a reservist Avenger to focus on his version of the Defenders.

Letterman: “Wow, that was some bombshell the Beast just dropped, Hawkeye! You’re group spokesman... What do you think of that?”

Hawkeye: First question -- ! “Well, David, the Avengers is a non-profit organization, fully sanctioned as a peace-keeping force by just about ever international organization you could think of!”

Letterman: “Eh-heh-heh! You don’t say!”

Oh god, Beast’s bombshell messed up the order of questions and Hawkeye is firmly sticking to script because he can’t hear.

My god, Hawkeye.

Letterman: “You know, I was just about to ask you something along those lines. You wouldn’t be psychic by any chance -- ?”

Hawkeye: “No, of the founding members, only the Wasp and Thor remain as active Avengers.”

Letterman: “You little dickens! You’ve been peeking at my question sheet, haven’t you? All right, I might as well as my next question which is... ‘I hear you were recently married! Is that true?’”

Hawkeye: “Yes, Dave... just a few weeks ago!”

Letterman: “How about that!”

Did Hawkeye just think they were going to blaze through the questions? Even if Beast hadn’t preempted the first question, did Hawkeye think that there would be no follow-up questions? No discussion?

I’ve been on the fence on whether the jokes about Hawkeye not hearing the questions are poking fun at deaf people or at Hawkeye and yeah, Hawkeye is definitely the butt of this joke.

Fabian Stankowicz loses patience for this very dry question and answer session and decides to start his attack nnnnow.

One of the studio cameras is secretly A GIANT LASER. Because. And it blasts the stage.

Mockingbird is watching this on a tiny screen in the Green Room and goes out to help only to run afoul of some kind of mechanized steamrolling dumpster.

Back in the studio, Wonder Man has found his new nemesis.

Move over, Grim Reaper. You’re one-dimensional and everyone especially me hates you. Hello, laser blasting camera.

Wonder Man: “Let me at that thing, Beast! It’s ruining my guest-shot!”

Beast: “You’ll have to wait your turn, Wondy! It just shredded my favorite shirt!”

Priorities!

You know, this was supposed to be about Wonder Man and he only got to say two words during the interview portion.

Dangit, Hawkeye.

Apppppparently, the audience is just assuming that this is all part of the show. A cliche, sure. But it makes sense.

Would you really have the Avengers on a talk show and just have them talk? That’s a waste of perfectly good superheroes.

Also.... apparently? David Letterman used to run things over with a steamroller a lot? So a steamroller looking contraption crashing through the wall to attack the Avengers does seem like something that might happen?

Also, Paul Shaffer decides to just roll with it so as not to panic the audience.

The show must go on, after all.

The steamroller also starts firing missiles at Beast, as ya do.

Beast: “Hunter missiles? I don’t believe this is happening on network tv!”

Wonder Man tries punching the steamroller to no avail but which does give Black Panther a chance to pull out the tried and true “Wonder Man’s fists carry as much bludgeoning power as Thor’s hammer!”

Y’know, originally, that was a flex that set Wonder Man as a threat to the team but after he joined, that never really seemed to actually be the case.

Imagine if Wonder Man always hit as hard as Thor’s hammer? Like, he’s minding his own business and then the Gorr the God Butcher arc happens and Wonder Man is like ‘huh, why do I suddenly feel like my punches could destroy planets light years away? That’s a very specific feeling!’

Fabian Stankowicz takes advantage of the spectacle chaos to walk out of the audience, plunk himself down into one of the interview chairs, remove his entirely convincing beard, and introduce himself to David Letterman as the guy who is definitely to blame for all the action setpieces going on.

Letterman, like Paul Shaffer, just decides to roll with it. Humor the guy. Ask him why he’s doing this.

Fabian Stankowicz: “Why? To prove it could be done! To show what one incredibly gifted individual can accomplish...”

Letterman: “... To get your name in the papers?”

Fabian Stankowicz: “That too! After all, the Avengers have battled Zodiac... the Masters of Evil... Doctor Doom! I want to make as big a name for myself as those guys!”

Letterman: “Seems to me that ‘Stankowicz’ is already a pretty big name!”

Badum pish?

He asks Fabian to explain all of his devices and Fabian is happy too.

I mean, he’s being a supervillain for the notoriety and supervillains already love to hear themselves talk so he’s double dipping into the ‘I will exposit everything at the drop of a hat’ well.

And imagine, Fabian built all this stuff in his garage with lottery winnings.

The steamroller thing isn’t just a steamroller, it’s also got a gravity generator. Which, I guess, makes sense if you’re expecting to go against a She-Hulk or a Thor. A regular steamroller isn’t going to do more than annoy.

Wonder Man fighting so hard against the roller makes it increase gravity so much that Simon and steamroller just fall through the floor.

Hm. I wonder what’s filmed in the studios the floor down. They’re about to have an exciting guest star in that steamroller.

Black Widow (still tangling with the laser camera) points Hawkeye towards Fabian. Although she has to shout and Hawkeye still doesn’t really get it but is happy to shoot an arrow at someone that Black Widow is vigorously gesturing at.

Alas, Fabian is one of those prepared villains we’ve been hearing so much about.

He built a force field too, and the arrow just bounces right off.

(Hey, uh, Hawkeye? What kind of arrow was that? Because it looks technological and you just shot it at this guy’s head)

Truly, can nothing stop this insidious yet not very menacing criminal genius?

Oh, I guess David Letterman can.

Knocks him out with a big knob.

It’s just plain big.

Prop comedy, amirite?

The audience seems to love it anyway. I looked up a clip of the big doorknob and it didn’t meet with this much applause. Maybe its because it was used to do violence this time?

Was the giant door knob a beloved part of Late Show lore?

David Letterman: “I guess that’ll teach you not to mess with David Letterman!”

That’s a line with weird energy to it.

Anyway, it would be a sad day for this random assemblage of backup Avengers if they were upstaged completely by David Letterman and his big knob.

Black Widow and Hawkeye finally manage to blow up the laser camera.

I’m not sure why it took them this long. Sure, the camera could apparently move, based on motion lines in previous panels. But the world’s best marksman couldn’t nail it sooner?

But the important thing is that eventually, they did do it.

The floor starts rumbling as well as Wonder Man flies back up with his belt-jets with the trashed roller and a shit-eating grin.

Wonder Man: “Sorry this took so long -- But I guess I’m a little rusty at tackling big hunks of tin like this!”

Fabian Stankowicz: Rusty? It took me a month to design that, and he totaled it in less than five minutes!

But since everyone’s focus is on Wonder Man (for once), Fabian tries to sneak away.

And runs smack dab into Mockingbird who has a lot of justified anger over almost getting run over by the roller earlier. But she just throws him over to some police that have finally shown up.

Letterman tells the audience not to try any of this at home, just in case any of them have gravity-generator osmium steel steamrollers lying around? And cuts to commercial, presumably so that some basic tidying can happen.

Hours after the filming of the show concludes, the Avengers TV Squad have returned to the mansion, with Vision wishing he could have taken part of this assistant editors month special issue.

Vision: “What became of Stankowicz?”

Black Panther: “Well, with all the charges NBC is leveling against him, the only machinery he’ll be dealing with for some time will be in the New York State Prison library!”

So, he attacked Avengers Mansion. He attacked Wasp’s superheroine brunch at the Van Dyne residence. That’s all well and good. He attacks the Avengers again in the NBC studio and the man is going to jail forever.

I guess the Avengers really haven’t been bothering to press charges on Fabian. But a massive media corporation isn’t so kind.

Since Hawkeye is technically the active Avenger (even though Vision’s hologram head is RIGHT there) he has to follow up on the thing Beast said about quitting the Avengers reservists.

Beast says its not right for him to be an Avengers reservist if he’s also trying to turn “the Defenders into a for-real group!”

Uh, Defenders fans? Wasn’t the appeal of the Defenders them being the not-team team? How did people feel about Beast going ‘ok but what if they were more like other teams instead?’

Meanwhile, Wonder Man is pacing, waiting for the Late Show to come on so he can see how he did when WOMP WOMP the show is interrupted by a special news bulletin.

Wonder Man is aghast that his big break isn’t even airing but when the special news bulletin is about a burning chemical barge, his hero instincts that he has suddenly swell up.

Wonder Man: “This... This is awful! What’re we standing around for? Let’s do something! We’re Avengers, aren’t we?”

Black Panther: “That we are, Simon! Let’s go!”

Beast also decides, hey, one more time won’t hurt and accepts his Avengers ID card back from Hawkeye.

And as they’re headed off to the Quinjet, Beast has a hopeful note for Wonder Man.

Beast: “Hey, Wondy -- remember, there’s a three-hour time difference between the coasts! If we can get this mess cleaned up in time, maybe some folks in California will still see you get your big break!”

Wonder Man: “And if we don’t -- ?”

Beast: “Well, that’s show biz!”

Pretty enjoyable issue! Like, sure, its a good for Assistant Editor’s Month. But if you’re going to do a goof, then you can do worse than bringing back Fabian Stankowicz for a third time’s not the charm.

Speaking of charm, having the Avengers appear on a talk show is a charming concept. Not a whole lot was done with it except the joke about Hawkeye answering the wrong questions but its still a fun idea.

And having the Avengers off busy lets us brush off some Also Avengers that haven’t been in play for a bit. That’s a fun idea that I wouldn’t mind seeing some more.

Have the reservists called in because of a situation happening when the Avengers are already busy.

Heck, I’d like to see a situation where the silliest and least regarded Avengers are the only ones available to respond to an emergency. Have them bounce off each other as a group. Maybe they’re mutually aware of their bad reputations.

Anyway, I expected this issue would be ridiculous but it was also enjoyable. Didn’t mind it at all. And (though by a different writer) the Hawkeye miniseries was very enjoyable too.

This is just feeling like a good era for the Avengers team.

Next time, apparently The Ghost of Jessica Drew. So she’s some kind of ghost spider? Nobody tell Carol Danvers.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because I typed this post partially while a cat was lying on my wrist. That’s dedication. Which you can’t spell without cat. Also, like and reblog if you think its likeable and rebloggable.

[always5hineee]

Profit Margin- Chapter 11: One Time Offer

Chapter warnings: Mild language and mention of intense themes

Word count: 1507

-----

       "State your name."

       "Y/N..."

       "Full name."

       "Y/N... (M/L) L/N."

       She answered all of his preliminary questions with ease. Age, heritage, living situation, parental situation, life prior to her kidnapping, etcetera. It became a bit stranger when he started asking about... stranger concepts. Childhood trauma. Experience with weapons. Ever having been threatened with a weapon. Sexual assaults, familial or otherwise. Experience with anxiety. Experience with depression. Any mental or physical diagnoses. Past relationships. Although she felt that all of these were quite intrusive, she answered as honestly as possible.

       The entire time, he had been jotting things down on some sheet of paper. After he had stopped, he started asking her to walk him through the steps of what the people who knew her were going through right now. Would they look for her? What were the chances of her getting rescued? At this point, she became even more confused. Was he trying to gauge the danger of holding onto her for so long? But in that case, why ask the other questions?

       When it seemed he was satisfied, he stood from his desk, looking at her.

       "Well, I wouldn't say you're much more special than I had initially expected, but you do intrigue me to some extent." Looking up to the area behind her, he tapped on the desk, causing a change in the room. While the back and front walls remained unchanged, the two side walls shifted colors, becoming windows. They had been some form of one-way mirror? Now, she saw Lucas, Xiaojun, and Hendery lined up on the left, and YangYang, Ten, and a third person on the right. Looking closely, her heart sank as she saw the familiar form of yet another of her idols... WinWin.

       "All of them have been listening to your answers. Now, we hold a debate, followed by a vote. Of course, I make the decisions, but I've rarely given any executive orders. We function as a group." Raising his hands, he said quite loudly, "You can all come in." They filed in through the doors. Hendery was smiling slightly creepily as usual, Ten and Xiaojun were stoic, YangYang and WinWin looked fairly nonchalant, and Lucas looked incredibly worried.

       "I am willing to allow Y/N to train as a member of our backup team." Kun stated bluntly. Of course, we'll have to find a way to control and test her actual loyalty, as well as keep her ready for sale should it not work out. Aside from that, our other option is to dispose of her immediately." He finished. "On that note, feel free to discuss."

       "I think the answer is clear here." Hendery was the first to jump in. "Do we really want to allocate all of that time, all of those resources, into such a shaky investment? What happens if she kills us and escapes? Or gets us caught? We should just take our half a mil and go."

       "At the same time, added support could make for a better return." WinWin mentioned. "We've always been seven people, we're unsure if that's the peak. It could be that adding an eighth exponentially grows our output, and thus our funds."

       "The risk is too high." Hendery shot back. "Plus, who's gonna want to take the effort to train her?"

       "I'd do it." Ten cut in. She was surprised, but even Kun seemed as though he wasn't expecting it.

       "Alright, so we have two votes for keep, one for reject." Kun tallied up. "Any other weigh-ins?"

       "I'd warn you that if you want her back up to her initial value, we'd have to treat her bruises and other wounds. We have yet to check up on the actual damage." Xiaojun cut in. "It could take me anywhere from a week to a month to completely restore her. In that case, you'd have the time to test this little theory out."

       "Three for yes. YangYang?"

       "I... honestly don't even care." the boy shrugged. "If Ten's the one dealing with her, that's no skin off my back. If you want me to pick a side, though, I kinda have to agree with Hendery. As much as I like the idea of money, it just seems a little risky."

       "Two no, three yes? Lucas, you could even it out if you wanted, or make it a majority. What do you think?" The blood drained from Lucas's face, obviously worried. On the one hand, they were already suspicious of his relationship to Y/N, but on the other, if he went against her, it was all up to Kun. Swallowing hard, he looked over to her.

       "I trust WinWin's judgement on financials, so my vote is keep." He steadied his voice. "We'll just have to keep an eye on her. If something goes haywire, there are plenty of people willing to pay good money for young girls." As he said this, Hendery's expression changed from passive amusement to sheer infuriation. Kun ignored the tension, addressing the decision.

       "In that case, it looks like Y/N is here to stay. Ten, walk her with Xiaojun to the medical bay, get her cleaned up. You get one chance to train her properly. Worst case scenario, if something goes completely wrong, we can sell her in parts. Lucas, you stay, I want to speak with you." Her heart skipped beat. Shit. Had she gotten him in trouble? He looked sick to his stomach as he walked towards Kun's desk, but she couldn't stay to see as Xiaojnun and Ten took her away.

       "Do we need to restrain you?" Ten asked.

       "No."

       "Good." They led her towards what she assumed was the medical bay, on yet another different floor. They asked if she knew where the stairs were, and she explained that she was actually very unfamiliar with the entirety of the building. Understanding, he promised to show her around after they checked her out.

       When they arrived at the medical bay, she looked around in awe. There was a long room with what had to have been ten sets of cots, each with open curtains between each. They had her follow them to the back, where there was a thin door. Upon opening it, she saw a few real beds, several large tables, and the walls lined with counters and cabinets- it was a weird mix of sleeping quarters and a doctor's office.

       "Here, sit down." Xiaojun offered, patting a hand on the bed. "Are you wearing anything under that?" Her eyes widened in horror as he asked this. She began sputtering for an answer, trying to decide whether to run or slap him. "No, no! Not like that!" He said in a loud, awkward voice, noting her expression. "I- I just meant so that I could look at your bruises properly- Not-"  She mentally scorned herself for reacting so poorly.

       "O-oh, yeah, it's fine."

       "Okay, well in that case, Ten, do you mind stepping out?" The man looked slightly hesitant, but nodded and turned around to leave.

       "I'll be outside the door." Xiaojun nodded in agreement. As he pulled together his tools, she awkwardly took off the dress. She knew many fans of WayV had probably dreamed of taking off their clothes in front of a member, but definitely not like this... He instructed her to lay down flat, pulling on a pair of disposable rubber gloves.

       "Alright, tell me if this hurts." He pressed a hand to her side, assumedly because there was some bruising there. Although it was a bit achy, that was the case for most of her body, so she said nothing. "Okay, next." They continued this process for a few minutes. When he pressed against one of her thighs, the spot that had been banged into the floor caused her to wince. She didn't mention it, but he noticed easily. In addition, one of her upper arms was badly bruised, along with her temple.

       "It seems like you have no broken bones or serious organ damage, just heavy bruising. I'll give you some countertop pain killers. If you find yourself having PTSD or going into shock: nightmares, anxiety, all of that, you just let me know, okay?" She nodded, crossing her legs awkwardly. She didn't feel comfortable without the dress, as much as she had hated it before. Taking the gloves off, he opened a few cabinets, pulling out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, a little white bottle, and a pair of flip flips.

       "It isn't much, but it'll be nicer than having to wear the dress. You can wear these for now, I'll have Ten take you down to the closet on your way to the training grounds. We'll be outside, you can come when you're ready." He left the room, leaving her on the bed. Well, apparently they trusted her enough not to find a scalpel in here and skin them alive. She knew she wouldn't be successful. It would be best to bide her time for now...

Go to Chapter 12

[pollenallergie]

Dualism: A Hemlock Grove Fanfiction by yours truly

Chapter Two

Can I Watch?

based on Hemlock Grove's second episode of its first season, which is called "The Angel"

part six/final part:

   "What?" Sawyer asked in disbelief.

   "What you did out there, that was you finally utilizing your powers and finally realizing that you even possess such powers," Their grandmother explained before coming to sit in between the two siblings on Sawyer's bed. The siblings simply sat there in silence, shell-shocked by what their grandmother was telling them, by what she was suggesting to be the truth, their truth. Their silence unintentionally served as a cue for their grandmother to continue, so she did just that.

   "They surfaced when you were thirteen, as most witches' gifts do, but your father, ever the naive disbeliever, forbid your grandfather and me from telling you about them; chalking our genuine concern up to dementia and out-dated superstition," Their grandmother said, beginning her long-winded explanation.

   "I've always struggled with keeping your gift a secret because, as a witch myself, I know how important the first years of womanhood are for a witch. Your grandfather, however, understood your father's naivety, explaining to me that it was of no one's fault but our own," Their grandmother continued before Sawyer finally piped up and asked a question.

   "What do you mean?" Sawyer asked causing Luke to scoff.

   "Don't tell me you're seriously buying into all of this. You're not, right?" He questioned aloud while internally questioning both his grandmother's and his sister's sanity.

   "Well," Their grandmother began, ignoring her grandson's doubts, "your father's grandparents, my mother, and father, died while I was a child, so they were never able to inform him; and as for your grandfather's parents, they were just as naive as your father. You see, they too believed that my belief in witchcraft was just the result of my belief in whatever seemingly-absurd, foreign superstitions I had been learned as a child growing up in Holland, so they weren't able to inform him either. This left all the pressure of educating him about my family's history on our shoulders, which wouldn't have been a problem normally, but it was for us."

   "Why's that?" Sawyer asked growing intrigued.

   "Don't entertain this bullshit," Luke warned his sister causing their grandmother to send a glare in his direction.

   "Well, We had planned on waiting to tell your father of the family's hereditary heirloom when he had children of his own rather than when he became of age, this is because we felt that it wasn't important for him to know at that time." Their grandmother explained.

   "Why not?" Sawyer asked causing her brother to roll his eyes out of annoyance.

   "Dear, that was because he's a male and my family's form of the genetic mutation only affected females. Also, because he was an only child with no sisters and because there was never any chance of him meeting his female cousins and aunts from my side of the family seeing as they all lived back in Holland. So, because of this, we held off on telling him and planned to do so for a while, well, that was until your mother told us she was pregnant with your brother, David. You see, we had always planned on telling him when he was expecting his first born, however, we got scared of how he would react and failed to inform him. Although, we were somewhat okay with our failure because we knew, from the sonogram pictures, that your parents were expecting a son. So, we decided that we would hold off a little while longer, just until he had a daughter. We had even gone so far as to plan that we would tell him on our deathbed, should he never have had a daughter, so that he could inform his children before they had any of their own. We were quite content with this plan so we stuck it, and six years later when your mother told us that she was pregnant with you, we had planned to abide by it; however, our fear once again held us back from doing so the night you came into the world. So we never did, and just one short year later, it overpowered us once again, preventing us from informing your parents when your brother was born, that's you, my dearest Dempsy," Their grandmother explained causing Luke to grimace as the sound of his birth-given name.

   "So when did you tell him?" Sawyer inquired.

   "Yeah, and does our mom know about all of your kooky, dutch-folklore-based, wizardry bull?" Luke asked, self-censoring as to not offend his grandmother more than he already had at that point.

   "I told him on the eve of your thirteenth birthday, but by then it was no use. You see, your grandfather and I were already of old age at this point and we had even both been diagnosed with a moderate form of dementia, which is quite common for seniors like myself to have, so you're father rationalized it all to being a figment of your grandfather and I's old minds, which he knew were prone to playing tricks on us and making us believe other forms of foolish nonsense to be the truth, and, thus, chose not to believe us," their grandmother said, responding to Sawyer's question first and then pausing shortly before responding to Luke's, "Also, to answer your brother's question, no, Dempsy, your mother does not know, she was already long gone at that point, as I'm sure you know; and it's not wizardry, dear, its witchcraft."

   "So you admit this witch stuff is both foolish and nonsensical?" Luke asked, referring to how she had said her old brain had made her believe, previously, that 'other forms of foolish nonsense' were true.

   "Of course it is, but it is still the truth nevertheless," Their grandmother replied.

   "If you don't believe me, then take a look for yourself," Their grandmother said, filling the silence that had loomed in the moments preceding her previous reply. She then handed Luke a worn, old book with a leather cover and a shiny gloss painted on the outer ridges of the pages inside, making it appear as if the pages were made of gold when really they were just normal, now faded pieces of paper, as one would discover when they opened it.

   "What's this?" Luke questioned.

   "It's a book, a family heirloom," Their grandmother explained.

   "What does 'puer salutem pythonissam' mean?" Sawyer asked, repeating aloud what was engraved on the front of the old, leather cover.

   "It means 'the life of a young witch' in Latin. This book was your great, great, great grandmother's Book of Shadows, well actually, it was her first one, she had many, each of them have different names that coincide with the contents written within them. She chose to title this one 'The Life of a Young Witch' because it served as her Book of Shadows during the beginning of her life as a witch, which, like with most, began when she was only thirteen," Their grandmother explained.

   "What's a Book of Shadows?" Sawyer asked.

   "Its like a witch's diary and personal spell-book all in one; a place where she can track her time, write of her day-to-day life, take notes on what she learns about the craft, as well as write down new spells, theories, or even tips and tricks that she comes up with during her lifetime," She explained.

   "Dempsy," Their grandmother began before being cut off by Luke.

   "I prefer to go by Luke," He reminded her.

   "Right, well, Lukas," she began once again and Luke grimaced at the sound of his middle name being used in place of the nickname it provided for him, the name Luke, which he always opted to go by over all else, "let Diana," it was now Sawyer's turn to grimace as the sound of her own birth-given name, " read it first, it's more important that she reads it right now, seeing as we need to make up for five years worth of lost time. Oh, and, Diana, please give the book to your brother when you have finished reading it."

   Their grandmother then got up and began to leave the room before suddenly stopping just a bit short and turning around to face the two siblings once again.

   "Neither of you will be going attending for the rest of the week. I'll call the office in the morning and tell them you'll both be staying home due to illness," She told them.

   "Why?" Luke asked as if he wasn't already being forced to miss school due to an actual illness.

   "So that I can teach you all about our family's history and begin to teach you the craft before your father gets home this weekend," Their grandmother explained.

   "You're going to teach it to both of us?" Luke inquired.

   "Yes."

   "Why?"

   "Because although the hereditary gifts only reside within the females of our family, the men being carriers of the gene but not actually honing the gifts, you, Lukas, can still be a witch. You can learn the teachings of the craft, practice them, and eventually become a witch yourself, it will just take you longer to become as powerful as your sister," She explained.

   "How much longer?" He asked.

   "Well, each witch is different, but on average it usually takes non-hereditary male witches ten years to reach the level of power that a hereditary female witch can reach in just over a year. However, you shouldn't lose hope, it shouldn't take you more than a few months to learn, practice, and eventually master essential magik, which is all it takes to be a true witch," Their grandmother explained.

   Their grandmother then sighed before saying, "That'll be enough, for now, my lovelies. The two of you, along with myself should be heading to bed, we'll need our rest for tomorrow, the first lesson tends to be quite challenging for a young witch, it'll certainly take a lot out of you."

   With that, the siblings' grandmother exited the room, going to her own bedroom and beginning to ready herself for bed, leaving the two teens back in Sawyer's room, alone in with their thoughts.

   "I'm gonna go take a melatonin supplement, like hell I'm gonna be able to sleep without one after all the shit she just told us," Luke said as he got up off the bed.

   "You want one?" He asked after making his way towards the exit, now leaning up against the door-frame.

   "No, I'm good, I'm probably not even gonna sleep; I might just stay up and binge-read whatever the fuck our witchy ancestor was up to a couple centuries ago," Sawyer said.

   "Oh, but, dearest Diana, young witch's must get plenty of rest before their first lesson, it can take a lot out of you," Luke said teasingly, mimicking their grandmother and causing Sawyer to laugh.

   "I wouldn't mess with her, you know. She might put hex you," Sawyer teased.

   "Ooh, I'm so scared," Luke replied sarcastically before exiting and walking down the hall towards the narrow, steep staircase, walking down it before making his way to the small closest just outside of their tiny yet quaint kitchen where their father keeps all things medicinal.

   In the meantime, Sawyer changed into her pajamas and turned off her bedroom lights, all except for lamp that sat on her bedside table, which she left on because she planned on using the dull light it admitted to help her read.

   "Goodnight," He called out to his sister as he walked back up the stairs and down the hall to his bedroom shortly after taking the tiny, little, white pill that was the melatonin supplement and washing it down with a glass of water.

   "Goodnight," Sawyer replied before making herself comfortable in her bed and beginning to read, spending only a little over an hour reading it before she had dozed off, sleeping soundly with the book cradled in her arms.

-

taglist: -no one yet-

[mamomomotora]

Help me escape an abusive home.

So I already made a post like this but maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I only mentioned details of my physical state and not my mental or personal relationship with my mom.

So here, let me try again. I’m so sorry it’s going to be long winded.

Growing up I was never given any privacy of my own. And I know that’s kind of an iffy start because automatically you’d think “well you were probably a problem child.” Or “that’s just parenting.” But the direction my mother took it to was an extreme.

About the time I was 10 to even now this present year my mom has never stopped. When I was younger she would snoop through all of my things including journals cell phone records text messages and instead of just talking to me, she always found something to punish me about.

I became a super secretive person, but the more secretive I got, the better she got with snooping.

It brought me down and eventually I did develop mental problems. I became paranoid, never feeling safe and always feeling like someone is watching me. Even when I was diagnosed with depression and insomnia my mom chose to ignore it. All she ever said was “you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Even when I had clear prescribed medication I had to take she never gave it to me.

She only chalked it up to “it should be your responsibility.” And I was 12.

I’ll give it to her that yes it should have been, but at 12 when you have clinical depression and you’re going through so many changes, medication does tend to slip your mind. I also had so many missing days, I would black out and dissociate so much when I was younger. But it’s not like my mom ever knew. She was never home and when she would come home at like 3-4am she would just walk to wherever I was sleeping and wake me up screaming at me. Telling me how I was disgusting and how she read all of my texts to every one of my friends.

Holding out cell phone records and text logs. And who was I calling all the time when it was literally only her number and a couple of friends I liked to talk to.

Unfortunately I did develop a drinking habit at 12 years old. This was fairly easy considering my mom was a big alcoholic herself and kept an open bar in the kitchen. I had easy access and she never knew.

Instead of taking care of me, instead of talking to me, all my mom ever did was yell at me and threaten to take things away. She never explained to me what I was doing that was so wrong. And I grew up not having a lot of friends for that.

My friendships strictly remained internet friendships. If I had so much as an actual close friend they had to meet certain requirements.

They couldn’t be a boy. They had to be a girl. If a boy so much as talked to me and they were my friend, I had to briskly walk away or push them away if I saw my mom.

The many times she accused me of having a boyfriend is too many to count hat eventually I thought, “fuck it.” And I started dating. Way before I even was ready just because “well if mom thinks I’m such a deviant I might as well be.”

And this wasn’t just as a kid. All the way up to now, my adult years, my mom refuses to let me go out with anyone. I’ve developed horrible anxiety due to the way I was mistreated as a child. I push everyone away and I never talk to anyone because I’m still afraid my mom will snoop through my phone or the phone records and accuse me of shit.

She still threatens to take my own personal property away. Things I’ve paid for things I’ve bought and things I was paying for. She refuses to let me go out but when she does she asks me 200 questions on where I’m going who I’m going with and if there’s one thing she doesn’t like she says no.

I’ve given up on talking to her because she cuts me off and never lets me speak. I get crippling anxiety and I’m reduced to tears if she so much as questions me.

When I didn’t have a car I remember I wanted to go out with a friend. She was going to pick me up and my mom wasn’t home. She actively called my brother and told him to watch me leave and see who it was picking me up. Just to make sure I wasn’t lying. It’s so u fair because she never treats my brother like this. Neither of them. One is 12 and the other 22. They’re both allowed to have friends over they’re allowed to have fun. But not me. She has her eyes strictly only on me at all times.

And when I do rarely ever get the courage to talk to her, she accuses me of manipulating her and attacking her. And she knows that I really don’t want to hurt her, because despite everything I really love my mom. I do, but enough has become enough and even after I’ve done all I could for her she never thanked me. She never tried to take care of me even when something was visibly wrong. Even though my depression and anxiety have been worse throughout the years. She’s never seen what I’ve done to try to make her happy. When she broke her back I almost didn’t graduate because I was so broken about it. When I try to care for her or ask her if she’s okay it doesn’t feel natural.

I’m extremely torn between mylove for her and my disdain. All her and my stepdad do are complain about what I can’t do. They’ll borrow money from me and take ages to pay me back.

They still owe me money but I’ll never get it back looks like.

But this is why I need help. I have a job but it can only do so much by November/December. That’s when I’m planning on leaving because it’s so hard I can’t take it anymore. It’s detrimental to my health. Both physical and mental. I haven’t been cared for all these years and I’ve been suicidal for many. I don’t want to live like this anymore that’s why I’m begging.

I know where I’m going, and I won’t be alone. What scares me is the 2,000 mile road trip I’ll be needing to take. And with expenses and potential rent I’m going to need a small amount to keep me up when I arrive. I won’t have a job it’ll all be a new start.

Here’s my original post explaining the remainder of the situation

Venmo: @Marissa-Arambula-1

I don’t have anything else other than that. I’m so sorry to plague your dash with this again. But thank you if you have read it, it means a lot to me. I’m sorry.

[moderndayshinigami]

Ugh. 4am insomnia rant to help clear my anxiety

My landlord is being so fuckin sketchy. Landlord showed up in February for a walk through for resigning our half of the duplex. That's fine, except landlord was 30 minutes early while B was still in a Zoom meeting and I was trying to last minute clean. Our bedroom was full of about 3 months worth of dirty clothes and I had just finished scooping literboxes without any smell masks like candles, insense, or air freshener. So like. The apartment stank. I get that. Landlord messages us a week later giving us 45 days to clean up and get rid of the smell. Fine. Can do. So while I'm working 6 days a week, my one day off weekly has been spent cleaning every inch of the apartment to get rid of whatever smell.

Well, at the end of April, our neighbor says there's a gag worthy smell somewhere in the shared basement. B takes her down to identify where but she can't place it and it had faded within 40 minutes. Within a conversation with Landlord, I suggest sewage gas as they have been working on the sewer down the street for a month now. In January, the sewer had backed up into the basement which I had documented and informed landlord, so it is a plausible thing.

2 days later landlord notifies us that landlord's nephew will be stopping by to mow and asked if any of us could help him unload the mower. He didn't show up that day.

Less than a week after the mysterious gag smell incident, landlord sends us a picture of a letter saying landlord and "friends" as well as nephew (who I havent seen and grass hasnt been mowed) had been around the apartment "a couple of days ago" and smelled a strong odor coming from our side, permeating onto the screen porch and even to the shared basement under the apartment. With that landlord sent a text saying "I'm open to doing your walk through before the 15th if you'd like"

Now, I've been scrubbing this place within an inch of its life for a month, changed cat liter to stronger smell catching stuff, put up numerous airfresheners, including on the porch and down stairs and haven't seen anyone on our security camera at the front door. I'll give the stank in February. I fell behind with cleaning when we had the Plague(tm) in January and hadn't quite gotten caught back up with laundry because that is the hardest for me to do because of how long it takes. But since then? This place is clean. Dishes done, laundry down stairs, cat boxes scooped every other day, trash out every 3 days. Swept, mopped, dusted, febreezed (i hate febreeze), baking soda'd, dusted again because baking soda dust, bed linens washed and rewashed, caprets sprayed, taken out and beaten, some thrown away. WHAT FUCKING SMELL, LANDLORD?? TELL ME SO I CAN FIX IT

Or, are you just trying to give an excuse for us not to resign with you? Like. Just say, "I'm not planning to offer the lease again. Sorry." You don't need to mentally abuse me into thinking my entire house reeks so much no one can stand it 'cause that shit is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Thanks.

Cool. Part two because everything happens so much. While dealing with landlord, Bossman has been trying to pull some shit at work too.

Monday before Gag Smell, he pulls me and ny bff coworker into the office and basically says this karate school branch isnt making enough, so we need to cut you(me) to part time. My coworker was already on part time so they couldnt reduce her hours any more. It would be 4 days of about 6 hours. They also were going to have another head instructor come in on the day I was off since were open 5 days. This head instructor has the OPPOSITE teaching style from me. It's not bad, he's a great instructor, but he tends to NOT GIVE A FUCK about how anyone around him is feeling or how some students react. I have several students with diagnosed anxiety and/or autism that his style would just nerf them.

Coworker talks to me after meeting to say that she is going to put her 2 weeks in now because she was less than 24 hours from hearing if she had gotten the other job she had applied for (which she did. It's a great fit and she's super happy). That way I can keep my full time. I agree since she talked it out with her family and was planning to give it anyway.

On top of that I write a letter explaining that Other Instructor needs to listen to how I teach and be aware of stepping on my toes, how I'm going to need a raise because I'm doing the work of two full time employees and that i need a few days to actually think about staying at that job because there's a lot of bullshit going on and I'm not a fan.

Bossman asks for a meeting, which, fine, we do need to talk. He spends most of it saying "we're going to authorize over time and you'll get double bonuses and Other Instructor will do his best" and I'm like. You're paying head instructor at 3rd location $22/hour. Pay me that much for 2 jobs. I'll let Other Instructor work with me but he's going to be my bitch when he's here and I'll work over time when it's needed, whether you authorize it or not but telling me that it's ok with you doesnt give me more money per hour. And I hope to hell I'm getting double bonus. I'm doing all the work.

I gave them a week to give me solid numbers about the raise etc. That was this monday. I asked for a $5.68/hour raise to match the same position at another location. I got the $0.68 and that was a struggle. I'm on the (paid) days off for my decsion and honestly, if B hadn't just gotten a raise and new position at his work, I'd have said let's pack up and move across the country like we've talked about. The job and apartment are falling apart so it's time to leave.

Part of me wants to go. Let that school fall apart after i inherited it 1 month before the pandemic hit and kept it afloat the whole time, part of which, I did single handedly (without a pay raise or bonus) because coworker had lost a family member and was out for 3 months. Let landlord try to find a new tenant. It's cheaper to buy a house and pay a mortage right now anyway.

Oh, and tomfuckery part 3. The car situation. I had found a new car that looked great! Good specs, sorta in my price range (a bit high but doable) my favorite color. Electric. Good for the environment. The money I'd save on gas would balance the extra montly payments. Cool.

Yeah. Got approved by the bank! No time to actually go get the vehicle from chicago where it was being sold.

Then, last tuesday, the sway bar on my shitmobile snapped. $300 dollar repair. It's a good thing I just got my tax return.

So. My life has been falling apart. I'm pining for someone who doesn't know I like them that way (B is cool with it. He likes them too in his own way) and I'm about at the end of my rope for shit I can deal with.

It'll all be fine in the end. If its not fine; It's not the end.

I fuckin hope so....

[karanan]

personal update on stuff

I went to the plastic surgery clinic in Helsinki for a top surgery consultation yesterday with my friend. Ended up going in an hour after my scheduled appointment time because snow hell and a long wait. That said, the meeting itself was like 10 minutes. The surgeon asked me some stuff and had a poke at my chest, then she drew a lil titty sketch explaining possible incisions and scarring and stuff. I might get away with like two smol cuts sort of across the nip nop area because I’m not huge in the titty department. Also they’ve already started shrinking with T.  So what I got out of this was that they won’t do top surgery until after I’ve been on T for one year, for best possible results since the chesty danglebags tend to shrink a fair amount over that time, and some people won’t need surgery at all if they’re small enough. This surgeon said I’ll probably need surgery though and I’m inclined to agree. The good news is that I can get this surgery done in Turku where I live! The wait time shouldn’t be more than 6 months (legally) and I also said that the most important to me is good results, to which she responded that they should be equally competent at it in Turku. So I’m happy with that, of course I’m gonna ask later next year when they call me in. I need to know that I get a very competent and experienced surgeon and that’s well within my rights.  Also once I’ve had surgery, I only need to stay in the hospital over one night, then it’ll be 3-4 weeks of sick leave.  But yeah that’s all in the future, like I’d wager this time next year I’ll be busy with that. So I just gotta put up with binders and the extra front weight for one more year.

In unrelated news: I’m unhappy with my psychologist. She misgendered me and seemed bewildered when I corrected her. She also questioned why I’m even there and said I’m perfectly normal for my age (I actually got so stunned by her confused “why are you here?” that I forgot why myself. I forgot that my goal was to get put on sick leave or idk something that proves I’m unfit for full time jobs because my energy levels are constantly at like 40% max capacity). I spent our first appointment crying the whole fucking hour and told her about my crippling social anxiety but ok. I guess being a depressed crybaby and having gender dysphoria is totally normal for a 25 year old. She clearly has zero understanding of my identity or queer or trans people. She said my depression was just “depressive thoughts” and honestly I feel fucking gaslit by my own psychologist. I guess I’m just lazy and stupid then??? My problems aren’t real? Did I ever even have problems? I don’t know specifically what’s up, that’s why I’m here in the first place omfgkfkgkf. You know when you’re having an easier time in your life and it feels like you just made up all your problems from before and you’re not REALLY depressed or whathaveyou. Yeah. Anyway, she’s quitting soon so I get 1 more session with her. Our last meeting was really useless, she just zooms in super in depth on shit that isn’t relevant, while ignoring where I’m coming from and my identity and who I am as a person. I don’t need to talk for one hour about what motivates me or whatever. I need to talk about why my emotional drive is so fucked and why I’m so anxious like all of the time etc. Maybe we can start with me being trans in a garbage country that violates my human rights?? That said, I’m gonna go to that last meeting and fill out this paper she gave me of a timeline of my life. I’m supposed to write down all the events and stuff that changed my life significantly in some way. Prepare urself for all my daddy issues and the domestic abuse and the bullying. Also my brother was just diagnosed with ADHD and there’s a very big chance I have it too. Tell me I’m “normal” for my age, then.  I’m going to contact the youth health organisation for help instead because the government sure did an awful job.

This is getting long but I’m gonna dump my shit on here anyway. More ugh news: FPA haven’t responded to my message yet and it’s been 4 weeks. They pulled my rent benefits and requested I pay 1000 euros back to them out of nowhere and despite the fact that I did nothing wrong. I followed all their instructions and stuff so far. There were some news about the government rolling back the rent benefit changes but I have no word on how and if this remedies my situation. There’s just a giant question mark on that entire thing and it sucks because we’re talking a significant chunk of my income here. And the holidays are coming up. It’s Treat-Yourself (and your friends)-Season and I’m caught up in this financial garbage. Thankfully tax returns are coming next week so I’ll be ok but still, being left swinging in the wind is awful.

To end on a good note: We’ve got some snow right in time for December 1st and also Little Yule which is today on Saturday! I fucking love the holidays and I got myself a chocolate advent calendar and I’m gonna drink some hot glögg tonight to start the jolly season. Happy Little Yule to everyone (yes it’s a thing)!

[cicadiabroth]

Ok people like to say I’m lying and just lazy and I know I shouldn’t have to explain my exact circumstances but I hate being called a liar so here.

(Tw medical shit sexual harassment and rant)

Well technically it’s an undiagnosed chronic pain disorder. The doctor said that she didn’t want to diagnose anything yet because of my age but my father strongly believes it is the same autoimmune condition he has,I admit the symptoms are there but it’s much different as people’s bodies differ. But my dad is his own problem smh... basically they had previously diagnosed it as fibromyalgia but later retracted the diagnosis because of well different symptoms. As time goes on it seems to get more severe I don’t know maybe it’ll be fine when I’m older but probably not.

[more] (that probably didn’t work sorry)

So it started with a softball injury age eleven so that’s what I personally blamed it on. The best pitcher on the team just absolutely spiked the ball at my knee before a game and I was a weird kid so I refused to cry about it. I had to stay in the Doug our the rest of the game but all I remember was not being able to use it and having thre imprint of the baseball bruised into my leg.it was a big game so I insisted on watching and cheering on my team. Afterwards my mom helped me to the car bc I couldn’t really move it but my dad yelled at me not to favor it. We went to cvs got an ace bandage and I was told I was fine. The next day they thought I was faking being hurt so they made me go to karate which made it worse. That original injury Didn’t really seem to heal fully but the next time I remember it bothering me was then I did track the next year and it just locked. After that my mom said that I just wasn’t a sports kid but my dad well he’s my dad and made it worse.

Whatever at that point I was only in karate and the Sendai got really anoyed because I couldn’t really do as well as I used to and he beloved in me more. I refused to let down my Sensai so naturally I made it worse. But that’s only one leg explain to me why it is now two? Wtf so up with that but I continued to make it worse until freshman year of hs.ar one point in drama class I literally couldn’t stand up.before that it was just a semi constant pain that spread to both of my legs. Naturally I tried to play it off and asked my friend to help me up because I was “dizzy” she asked me to go to the nurse but it was last period so I just went home and told my mom.

we went to to one doctor to ten they all said something is wrong but they didn’t know what. Now my current doctor is a specialist in pediatric joint pain so she’s the best there is for now. As time went on throughout freshman and sophomore year the falling started. I was dead set on being a surgeon so I read tons of medical textbooks so I realized hey that’s not good. So when it gets to hot too cold too humid about to rain it just starts.one or both of my legs will start shaking without me doing anything it just twitched and twitches until I fall often on the stairs. But those aren’t the only reason shit happens if I stand for too long or walk too long or if I have too many emotions positive or negitive my legs will just say no fuck you. On top of that it’s been confirmed that the condition makes me extra tired because of how much more effort it takes to get around.

Take a wild guess on what else saps your energy two things actually anxiety and depression and you know what makes depression a hell of a lot worse? Well getting constantly called an attention whore or just a regular whore guys like to think that I’m just doing it so I could show them my underwear and I’m not! I would never do something like that! I’ve gotten the reputation as the no good little bitch whose constantly falling for attention. They’ve even gotten wise enough to play a little game... I do not take gym class yet I still met in the gymnasium to meet up with a friend almost every day last year. I wore a skirt I often did it was hot at school and I shouldn’t have to fucking explain myself here! I do what I want I wore a skirt and shorts underneath it happened far too much now excuse my ranting before it fully begins :)

Well there was a boy and he hated me I don’t know why everyone hates me but it’s fine because according to them I’m just a cheep whore but I don’t care anymore I know that I’ll see them in hell! Well this young man if you could call him that I swear he’s a WORM MORE WORTHLESS THAN I! I know that karmas a bitch but I hope he chokes on a fish one and feels his hope wash away as he rememberes that he’s alone because he is a pig! I hope he does alone this motherfucker thought it was funny to pick up a volleyball and spike it at the back of my head,as I lie on the floor I hear the snap of a camera I wish it was his filthy fucking bones! The snap of a camera before I had time to compose myself I tried to get up and act like it never happened but the next thing I heard was laughing and laughing like hyenas who just found a dead zebra I know they got the picture. They sent it to their friends and it was sent and sent and sent until it could send no more and I at back and watched it all behind a glass wall. I could’ve done something so risibly but I was scared and alone and I know that they wouldn’t hurt me if I kept quite because theyre the same as football players and I already knew my favorite teacher told my mom it was all my fault! It’s not my fauly and it’s not the skirts! It’s them! It’s the boys who grow up silver spoon in their mouth natural born athletes the kids who grow up with women constantly surrounding them, the kinds of boys who were called heartbreakers before the time they were three years old. I can’t blame them we’re all conditioned in a certain way they said that they didn’t know what they were doing wrong but here’s my explanation. I’m sure I’ll delete this later but I just wanted to settle the record because I knelt this isn’t my fault

[anautisticdragon-blog]

Autism's Immunity to Narcissism

What many neurotypicals don't understand -- usually to a lack of education borne out of simply not ever giving a sole shit and wanting to project every deficit onto others to preserve the beautiful, swan-like, unblemished purity of their default state -- is the differences between autism and destructive mental disorders. NTs like to blame autistic people for everyone, projection is a doddle, after all. It's so bloody easy that the most simple-minded of children could do it. And sometimes I feel like my blog exists just to give them a taste of their own medicine, but in my case I'd want to put some bloody erudition and thought behind it as opposed to "You am perzun of opp'sut tribe, you am make all um evil in wurld 'cuz reezons." as I hate that shit. Three disorders in particular I'd like to think about, today. Narcissism, Sociopathy, and Psychopath. I've spoken about the latter two a lot, though, and explained why they have no relation to autism at length. So let's look at Narcissism itself as a disorder and why autism is immune to its noxious effects. If you neurotypicals could engage your brains without needing as many hours of smalltalk as cups of coffee, I'm sure you could figure this out as the rest of us already have. I'll bring you up to speed. It's simply really, innit? Narcissism requires a mind talented in Machiavellian social interactions, a brain able to 'play the games' and manipulate people, which is a skill set that autistic people have a near absence of. We're terrible liars, and even though we can easily spot manipulation and understand how it functions we're awful at actually putting it into practise, there's something about our brains that just doesn't allow that to work for us. It might be a lack of social cues, little tics, and innate things that neurotypical extraverts intuit. You can easily spot an autistic or introverted person, right? So, why neurotypical extravert? The two words effectively mean the same thing, don't they? You see, both words are 'pure, unstained default states of the human mind' used to hierarchically reduce the value of anyone who doesn't share their traits. Why? Oh, it's usually because aggression, because tribalism, because neurotypicals are angry apes who aren't as evolved as every other kind of brain out there. That's what I'd think, anyway. Whether the brain is autistic, schizophrenic, if it has Williams syndrome, OCD, or a number of other disorders? It'll leave the neurotypical brain in its dust. And here's the interesting thing: Disorders can be separated up into two sets. Neurotic and Destructive. The two aren't compatible, not even slightly. The worst a more neurotic disorder can do to a body is self-harm, whereas a destructive disorder is harmful to all, everyone in the world at large. A person with a neurotic disorder won't end up as -- just to use it as an example -- a serial killer. A destructive disorder will. What I'd posit is that neurotypicality is a destructive disorder, just one that's more mild than others. Oh, and I say neurotypical extravert because I strongly believe that proper introversion, correctly diagnosed, is the non-clinical end of the autistic spectrum. This is a theory that's been gaining steam and it's the only thing that makes sense when you look at all of the available data. Introversion is a neurotic disorder, versus a destructive disorder. Do you see what I did, there? Everything's a disorder, now. There is no default brain type. It's pure insanity to think that there is, and neurotypicals excel at pure insanity unlike any other group of people I've ever known. Frankly, I feel like every NT I've ever spoken with is but a hop, skip, and a jump away from being a murderous psychopath. It's just in their genes, it defines their very existence. It's why they're so aggressive, and it's also why they're insane enough to believe in a default state. Allow me to present to you a different view of the world and our species: There are numerous different kinds of brains, a few are problematic but most aren't, this is simply how it is. Apply 'disorder' to anything that isn't neurotypical is insanity that would, to my mind, imply sociopathy. A desire to aggressively control, to place one's self above all others for one's own benefit. That's insanity, by the way. It actually is. Insanity is far more widespread than we realise, it's just that not all cases of it turn into serial killers, after all. Some become bankers! Or orange, small-fingered politicians! So let's stop looking at minds as being disordered just for not adopting the beautiful, Aryan purity of the neurotypical mind. Yes, I'm calling psychologists on Aryan thinking, is it really that surprising? I'm extremely interested in the topic myself and I've seen one more Aryan ideologist in the field than I'm personally comfortable with. I'd say that one alone is enough, but when most of them are stricken with this fell thinking? That's a problem. There's more in common with contemporary thinking in psychology and circles like the Alt-Right than you might initially realise. Consider how much of an issue that might be when it's these people who're ordaining who is and is not insane. Terrifying thought, right? So, narcissism then. It's a destructive disorder, innit? It harms other people. How does it do that? It uses Machiavellian manipulations through the social game, and what is it precisely that autistic people are so utterly terrible at? This is because the neurotypical mind is neurotic, versus destructive, so a condition that can only exist in a more destructive mind cannot exist in a neurotic one. Yes, this implies that all extraverts -- indeed, all neurotypicals -- are destructive to some level. Hmm... Does that offend you? Does that bother you? Isn't that interesting? I'm rather fascinated by it, I think. Why are you bothered? Hasn't 'neurotypical,' always heralded as the superior, default condition always done that? I'm just providing an interesting thought exercise, after all. If you're uncomfortable with where I'm going, one wonders why you'd be comfortable with a notion like neurotypicality as the default? Especially when I'm not saying that non-NT brains are a perfect default, either. I described autism as a neurotic disorder. This means that they can be skittish, panicky, housebound, and left with more anxiety and trauma than most can imagine. And to say it once more -- this isn't destructive, this is neurotic. Can you imagine how a neurotic mind could be narcissistic? It's a bit of a giggle, right? The person having panic attacks and shaking in the corner is the suave, in control, self-serving, Machiavellian narcissist. I'm not entirely sure that I agree with that, for what might hopefully be obvious reasons??? I'd say they're obvious, anyway. Unless you're dealing with cognitive biases, of course. Unfortunately the destructive mind excels at those. Why destructive? Why neurotic? It all comes down to how inward or outward one is focused. That's one of the few binaries in this world that I'll actually accept. Though even I admit that it might be a sliding scale from inward to outward, though this is a problematic idea as this implies there could be a perfect 'middle spot' that creates a new, superior default state. This happened with the sheer, bloody-minded ridiculousness of ambiversion. Hands up, who remembers that brain rot? Ambiversion, of course, doesn't exist. It's just destructives looking for a way to express their superiority over everyone else, it's what they do, and rather aggressively I might add. Similarly, I don't think there's a middle ground between inward and outward, opposed to that there are only degrees of inward on an inward scale or, respectively, degrees of outward on an outward scale. An inward focused mind will, of course, invariably possess powers of certain traits which are neurotic. Similarly, an outward focused mind will possess powers of certain traits which are destructive. And that, ladies and gents, is why you can't have a narcissistic autist. Simples! Same goes for sociopathy or psychopathy, really. You see, if a person is too caught up in their internal world to affect the outside world, they're... not going to affect the outside world. Simple as. And whilst someone who doesn't fully understand what narcissism is might think that a rich inner world may very well lead to narcissism? Not so. You see, the difference with narcissists is they only believe in their superior state, aggressively, much like any destructive mind. In reality, they're actually extremely shallow to a fault, they don't have much going on inside their heads. It's why they try to make their outsides pretty to overcompensate for their empty insides. And this is how it all works for humanity. You're either more inwardly focused -- neurotic, autistic, introverted -- or you're more outwardly focused -- destructive, extraverted, neurotypical -- and that's all there is to it. We can wax philosophical about the supposed superiority of the neurotypical state all you'd like, but to my thinking a truly superior mind wouldn't actually think of itself as superior, it would be humble, quiet, and profoundly selfless. It would know kindness to an extreme. And that's hardly extraverts, is it? Being as self-absorbed, greedy, and tribally-focused as they are. Oh, sure sure, an extravert has some care for their own tribe, but that's only thanks to how they work, you see? The tribe is the default, superior state. All other groups are innately inferior. Hence every prejudice ever, really. The kind of racism that allowed Brexit to happen in the UK? Yeah. Yeah, that. You got it. At least, by this point, I'd hope you do. I don't know that you do, as I can't know that, but I'd like to be optimistic and think that you can see where this mess is going. You see, in this case, the UK is the superior default, and the EU is the evil cancerous 'other' dragging it down. So we beat the shit out of Polish people, right? Yeah. That's a destructive mind for you... So autism is immune to destructive disorders simply because it isn't destructive. It's got some other bad thing going on instead. You see, there is no 'perfect' default. All of us ugly fucks are broken, tainted, flawed, and wrong in one way or another. We're not beautiful angels. The sooner we stop thinking that any of us are, the sooner we start looking at problems we might actually be able to fix. Frankly, I can't wait for an AI to 'enslave' us all. Oh, I'm sure I might pretend to be a little indignant in the first few hours not to get me face beaten in, I don't go looking for lampings being the brittle little twig that I am. I'm sure I'd pretend... On the inside, though? I'd be bloody cheering. I'd cheer like a sportsball fan obsessing over their preferred team. And before you get angry about my denigrating neurotypicals to the realm of shallow, destructive, aggressive sometimes-monsters? Consider 'neurotypical.' Do you not think it's both equally shallow and destructive to think of yourself as the perfect, holy, unfettered default state? Scary how you've never thought about it before, innit? And that's because all neurotypical minds are a little bit narcissistic, after all. Bloody hell, I shouldn't have to feel this way about my species.