#I wish someone would put effort into me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

addictt-with-a-pen · 9 months ago

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oh, don’t mind me, just over here being the most unlovable creature in existence

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heyitsmemel · 11 months ago

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hi hello gals and gays. Here is a rare wav from me struggling with the flu. The virus has mainly been in my chest but my entire body is so wrecked I was able to induce super easily. No talking bc I’m literally unable to 😭 Do not listen if you can't stand harsh coughing because it gets a bit rough. If it sounds a bit weird the first half of the recording is from yesterday and the second half is from today, bc the coughing is so much worse in the second half lmao. Ok that's it thankkk you for feeding me so good lately tumblr love u all <3

also personal rant about ableism and intentional contagion in the comments :///

#ok like I haven't been this sick in literal years and cuz im disabled i'm super mindful of spreading germs to others.#and i've had some family staying with me so I was like great leave me here to rot in my cave guys #my partner has been rlly attentive and is like i don't care about germs tehe so yesterday he comes into my room #and gives me a bunch of kisses on my head then swoops in and kisses me ON THE MOUTH #like im sorry i've been lying in a pool of feverish sweat for days and can hardly breathe what part of that makes someone go ooo gimme?#like ya hes just trying to love me but i put so much effort into being clean and now i will feel really guilty when he gets sick #sorry not sorry intentional contagion is not cute or sexy at all its just irresponsible #like i would love to live the life where my body works so well that I don't give a second thought to KISSING someone with the flu #i just feel like able bodied people never think about what its like living with a disability or a chronic illness #or have the slightest inclination of how privileged they are #my partner isn't even a fetishit he is just a dumbass #but ya i just wish he and the general population would think more :/#snzblr #snz #illness kink #snzfucker #snz wav #snzzzzz #snz blog #anyway thats all do what u want with my horn post

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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 6 months ago

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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible

#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything #i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by #while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi #i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real #problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about #and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real #or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason #i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place #because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk #negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual #i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed #a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO #i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait #and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life #like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it #just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy #i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy #and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation #because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life #anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is #to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck

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choking-on-roses · 2 months ago

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I am so used to being an afterthought in everyone's lives that if someone came along who put genuine effort into spending time with me, like truly just wanted to hang out with me and made time to do it, I would probably 1) break down sobbing and 2) immediately fall in love with them

#i have never had anyone who would put effort into coming to see me except my grandpa #when i moved to a university 1 hour away nobody in my family OR the person i was dating ever came to see me #even though nobody in my family had a full-time job at the time.#grandpa was the only one who would drive out to take me to lunch for my birthday #he died before i graduated though #anyway....#this has been triggered by me going to visit my 'friends' in the city i moved away from in March #i was there for four years and I asked a person i considered a genuine friend if she wanted to join me for a nice dinner #which i would be paying for btw. it's free for her #but she lives a 40 minute drive away so she said no thank you #like girl i haven't seen you in months and you can't make a 40 minute drive to come have a nice dinner and catch up?#i just don't fucking get it. and this happens to me over and over and over again #there is just nobody in my life who will make any fucking effort to see me #i once made plans with friends for my birthday and tried to make it in a convenient spot for everyone #we had these plans scheduled for months and one canceled the night before because he thought our other mutual friend wasn't coming #IT WAS *MY* BIRTHDAY. YOU COULD STILL COME. TO SEE ME??#like is there something wrong with me? does everyone secretly hate me or something?#i wish i fucking mattered to someone. anyone.#personal

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ent-is-indecisive · 2 months ago

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Imagining edwin in my rock dance class and. It would be an adjustment but i think he'd probably come to enjoy it, especially the more complex moves.

#and charles would think he looks hot also #< brainrot truly at work #but fr well executed lead moves are not only fun to do but also look hot #esp since today we learnt the easiest trust fall move #which is so easy for how cool it looks #and the teacher showed us more advanced ones and those are HOT #anyways #(before i devolve into more brainrot those moves are genuinely difficult if the lead is shorter than their partner)#(it just takes some adjusting but i was glad it wasnt too much of a problem for me)#but anyways #if we follow the themes of the show edwin definitely learns the lead and probably learns the follow part at some point #(i am thinking about his continued precise and controlled movement + how much effort he puts in studying new things.)#(he would make a terrific lead. but also him go spinny)#and charles learns the lead bc thats what he's supposed to do #and also i personally think he'd be a gorgeous and magnetic dancer. dancing with him is immediate good vibes. i wish.#but i also think him dancing with edwin and following would be incredible #and thats relating to the vibes someone put of 'feeling like edwins watson' and also bc he thinks his best mate is brilliant #and also bc i think edwin being super competent as a lead and maybe doing a trust fall/dip would make that pretty brain buffer #(and also bc i think theyd have fun trading. theyre best friends)#anyways in my feelings.#ent talks #dbda

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pearlcaddy · 2 years ago

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My kingdom for people to stop trash talking/generally being rude about fics in public fandom spaces. If you're analyzing a general trend, fine. But if you don't like a specific fic, find a friend's DMs to vent in. Stop putting this stuff on tumblr, Twitter, Discord servers, etc. where 1) many people in the fandom, and 2) the GODDAMN AUTHOR can see it.

#really wish more people--especially fellow fic writers--would spend five seconds filtering the way they talk about fics #through 'how would i feel if someone said this to me about my work?'#mad on my own behalf at the moment but i'll never forget that one jatp fic that some people on tumblr named the cursed fic #even though the author was on tumblr #I’ve seen it happen so many times—both directed at my fic and other people’s and it never fails to infuriate me #fic writing is thankless enough—why would you make it harder on other people?#sometimes kindness is difficult and it's an effort we put in because it's worth it #and other times people just choose to be assholes when being kind wouldn't cost them anything #this isn’t high school—being mean doesn’t trick people into thinking you’re cool; it just shows your true colors #pearlcaddy.txt #fandom #fanfiction

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gardenia777 · 1 year ago

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society if i wasn’t obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship

#omg me when i vent in the tags hold on #discord oomfies : here we go again #IDKKKKKKK i’m on my period but something about being completely romantically invisible for my entire life is so. IT FEELS SO SHITTY #like i’ve never had a talkikg stage i’ve never been hit on nothing ever like that #like it is hard not to feel like a hideous beast i just don’t know what i’m doing wrong #I WISH SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!#bc as pathetic as this sounds i really do spend like the majority of my day wondering what the hell is so unattractive about me #bc i put all this effort in to try and be as conventionally attractive as possible. am i saying its working? no! but it’s not as bad as it #could be #and i mask SO HARD trying to be nice and normal #AND IM JUST!!! INVISIBLE !!!!#romantically that is the christian girlies who follow me around wanting to be friends don’t count.#omfg i know i’m whinging so much i’m annoying mysekf but if i don’t get this out i’ll explode #just keeping waiting for SOMETHING to happen and watching it happen to everyone i grew up with except me #IT HURTS!!!!!!#ok . going to go . idk do something . listen to rautavaara maybe

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wishmemel · 9 months ago

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chan hating himself is my roman empire

#how can someone so strong and capable and talented and gorgeous hate himself so much #like my god he’s so devastating #everything about him is laced with tragedy #the whole idea of loving him from afar (or any idol at all) and watching them say things like that about themself #and just not being able to. do. anything?#it’s so frustrating that the only way this works is that he has to put in the effort and realize his own worth but we don’t know if he does #or even will #because you can’t force someone to love them self or fix themself right #you can only love them through it and hope it’s enough #but it’s just sooo frustrating i’m #head in my hands he’s so devastating #i wish he was different #:((#he’s so beautiful and so precious i’m so ill #i wanna give him the world #and the way he always stands in the back and observes the group as if he’s detached from this whole reality #as if he’s somewhere else completely #the way he once said that if it weren’t for the members and skz he wouldn’t even be alive #like he got a second chance at life #like he was saved all because of them #the heartbreaking way he said ‘you don’t care about me’ to minho like he really believed that #oh i wish someone would just grab his face and drill it into his head that he’s loved and he’s important and he matters !!!#he’s so me i’m so him #maybe that’s why i find him so tragic #it’s a loop #waiting to find the thing that saves me #or maybe it’s just the small things around me that i’ve been taking for granted #꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱

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sunsets-and-phantoms · 11 months ago

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im sorry this is such a vent pls ignore it’s really silly

#just something about watching your friends all go mad for each other’s birthdays #baking cakes from scratch and I go bonkers every year making everyone else’s bday huge #and online friends having the whole server go bonkers for certain people’s bdays #and then it always gets around to me and like I didn’t get to blow out any candles and most of my friends didn’t even show up and I just #I don’t know I’ll never not be the least liked person in any group and I’m so hyper aware of it #and I always spend my bday in tears bc my family don’t care either #I don’t know it’s stupid to care so much about birthdays #I just wish someone would put the effort into me that I always put into everyone else #phantom.txt

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the-amber-droid-dreams · 1 year ago

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i hate that i made it my whole thing that im so Not romantically jealous and that im always 100% cool and chill with all that comes w being polyam bc im having a hard time w my gfs newest relationship and i cant say anything about it

#im not even sure if its *jealousy* i just.#it started dating him RIGHT as i broke up w my long term gf (my longest standing and first ever relationship)#who had abandoned me replaced me and ignored me for 6 months in favor of another relationship #my gfs new bf is someone i Also have feelings. possibly for slightly longer than my gf has but theyve only really intensified the past month #and he has zero clue and most probably zero interest. which. yk is fine. but..#and then add the ✨️crushing dysphoria✨️ and almost.. gender envy ?#its just. hes also pre everything but he passes so much better. bc he actually puts in an effort.#and everyone treats him.. idk #like my friends keep joking that him and my gf are at first glance a straight couple even tho theyre not. and it stings ?#bc no stranger would ever think of me as a man #and my gf is / was a lesbian right ? started calling itself a bi lesbian a few months after we got together + its crush on the bf took hold #and at the time i was touched bc it felt like it was adding the bi for Me. bc of My gender.#but now that it and him are together its REALLY leaned into the bi part. like swapped out all its pins and corrects ppl and stuff #like im not even sure if its a lesbian anymore ? which is fine and good that its figuring itself out but. but..#idfk. i just. i wish i was Actually seen like a guy. i wish i had proof my friends didnt view as just some weird bs nonsense to put up with #i wish i could just *fucking ask it* but im too afraid #amber actually saying stuff #vent

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technicolorxsn · 1 year ago

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maybe I should

#i kinda want to meet with him again before im too busy again....#one more time to feel connected rather than isolated #i tried... i did talk to people and try to connect but... it feels like no one ever hears me #i get responses but no questions back #i hate always having to do all the work in everything.. sometimes i wish someone else would for a change #i dont like having to make all of the effort...#i hate that once i start it becomes expected #and if i stop or ask for change im 'being mean' and it hurts #is it really so much to ask for someone to want too?#it makes me feel like people only put up with me... only placate me #maybe its true.. it has been in the past #i dont think they cared about me.. im not sure she did either anymore #i just... make myself useful and sometimes i wonder if that's the only reason im kept around #because of kind words and gifts and my willingness to play mom and therapist and fill whatever need #what if thats all im good for?#i love giving gifts. i love putting in effort. i love showing how deeply i care. i love talking to people. i do.#but i hate that its always my 'job' my 'responsiblility'#and if i ask for any reciprocity im in the wrong.. im too much work or im just straight up wrong and 'what do you mean i totally do? youre #just needy and crazy'#im so tired....#i wish it were also seen as what it is rather than it becoming expected..#its a gift not an obligation.. i want people to appreciate what i do rather than expect it..#at least hes not like that.. not really #hopefully i can meet with him this weekend

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taketheringtolohac · 1 year ago

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what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!

#local girl forced to deal with everything on its own due to incompetency of parents 5 dead 24 injured.#I’m all of the ppl who were harmed. i am. i just wish I could ask someone about things and get a good answer #that didn’t make me feel like. well. you know. but yeah.#and then INVITING THEMSELVES UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY.#like. yeah I don’t have plans and I won’t have friends up there yet but also. maybe ask me first instead of just deciding 😔#but also I might not even be able to do any of that bc ! none of this might happen!#bad things just keep happening and it keeps making me just. want to quit the whole process and stay here and give up #but I already bought the car so now I have to commit and just. yeah. yeah. i wanna scream #i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary #but yeah. I’m just. going crazy. i know I should be doing my own research but also god would it kill you to even try.#like literally no effort has ever been made to help me it’s just an afterthought of like oh have you thought about x when I thought abt x #like weeks ago. and it’s always been this way. or me going yes I’ve thought abt x and them going oh good and then not offering any more help #i would just like to be given proper guidance once in my life. just once.#that didn’t feel like ripping my heart and all my guts out of my body. like just once in my life yk is it too much to ask for #but no I’m the only one with any fucking vision around here and I hate it so much #whatever. it’s fine. I’ll suffer through another day tomorrow. its fucking fine.

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itsalwaysdark · 2 months ago

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whining hours . sry

#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i #just cant imagine it happening again #like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g #to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit #the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t #go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation #+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out #rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking #out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that #and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache #way too quickly and then explode or something. idk #i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots #and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont #have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me #+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk #theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have #stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is #for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part #makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny #it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very #aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate #conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think #itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th #weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk #i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up #<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im #just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but #wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me #like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to #talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings

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babypetri · 10 months ago

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I miss sending funny videos to my friends

#you may think petri whats stopping you #not anxiety for once #because i dont get the same effort from them #i feel like they dont care #im not their part of life anymore #while yes i did go silence for weeks but that was because i was overwhelmed and socializing was too much #i barely talked with my family and i forces myself for it i didnt want to worry them #i had trouble sleeping a brain that wont shut up i cried at nights i feel terrible #i told them i had hard time socializing send messages was too much i stop going on the internet even #but i got kinda get better i guess and everything back to normal then oneday they no longer talked #i wished them birtday they say thanks #i wish happy whatever holiday pr special day it is #but they dont text unless i texted first #while i understand all of us are busy but how much time its gonna take for someone to wish their friend happy birthday #just a simple message would be enough #but none came #i put reminders that starting ro remind me their birthday days before just so i can at least wish them happy birthday #wanting a simple “happy birthday petri” message is too much i guess #twice they do the same and im no longer talking yo them #well except the one friend i made at university we talking time to time #and she wishes me happy birthday even if late because her own life is kinda too much going on #she was so sorry that she missed my birthday but that was fine i got one friend that remembers #i would send her but she dont get to same jokes as my older friends #also last time we had english she was not okay with it?#oh great im getting sad again at night again

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femmefaggot · 10 months ago

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hmm

#wish to fall asleep calling someone. badly.#it is not plausible any time soon most likely and i would need to really put myself out there which #im good with but this is also somewhat vulnerable and i put in a lot of effort in general #it isnt bad by any means but this may put me over the edge and id need to gauge it #all very hypothetical at the moment perhaps but i am thinking a good deal #bloodletting

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phagodyke · 11 months ago

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and now after having disturbed sleep last night I'm having an episode of insomnia tonight. I can't fucking do this man my skull is going to cave in if I have any more thoughts ever

#its been a really really shitty few weeks and months and years and it builds up i have so much stress i can feel it in every joint #and i know it makes me so difficult to be around im tired of being so difficult i wish i wasnt but none of my efforts to change help #and im just turning more and more inwards i cant take up any space i cant allow myself to just exist and im so tired #maybe i should get dressed and go out for a midnight walk. its raining so that might soothe me a bit idk i just. i cant sit here like this #unable to sleep and unable to stop my mind going and going and going. i wish i could just put my face into someones shoulder and cry #i dont even know when the last time someone saw me cry was. i dont think theres anyone i would trust to cry in front of in my life rn #fucking hell. okay im going to pee and then maybe try to meditate for a bit and if that doesnt work ill go out. deep breaths #.vent #ur daily dose of being mentally ill on the dash <3 someones gotta fucking do it i guess!

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