#I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

championofthefade · 1 day ago

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Thinking about Veilguard sometimes really makes me start picking it apart.

Yes, I did like it for what it is. But as someone who played the three games for the first time this year, I found it disheartening at times.

Long story short for those who rather not read my rambling: I liked Veilguard, but there are parts that just don't feel right and that everything we've done in Thedas the last three games were all for naught. (I'm yapping about my complaints, might make a more positive post later)

It's a mixed bag, really.

While I liked the gameplay, there are things that just don't rub me the right way.

The first immediate example is how the (only, in my opinion) major choice we are presented with is choosing Treviso and Minrathous. We have the choice to harden the other companions in spirit, but the only ones that actually are affected are Lucanis and Neve.

While I have done both paths, I can't say that one is a better choice over the other. Shadow Dragons are decimated if you choose Treviso, Treviso is blighted if you choose Minrathous. I think that it's fair that Lucanis doesn't want to romance Rook if you choose Minrathous, because he wants to save his city from dying. He trusted you to follow through, while Neve expects that you won't since she's a cynic. Which makes sense why she's willing to still romance you if you choose to save Treviso, although it'll be a bit more challenging to, because you were presented with an impossible choice. I don't mind that he ends up with Neve, even if the romance for all the companions kinda fall flat if you think about it too much.

Another thing is Taash. Their identity is important to their story, but having Rook (us the player) choose how to deal with their cultural crisis doesn't make sense and makes me not want to repeat those quests. Why is there no option to embrace both the Qun and being Rivani? Why am I the one choosing how Taash chooses to express themselves? Relating back to the city choices, Lucanis and Neve both choose their hardened options with Illario (getting jail) and Aelia (being given to the Threads). With Taash, the choices are a little less clear to me. I think we shouldn't be able to dictate one's cultural choices.

One of the worst choices that we have to make as Rook is Harding vs Davrin. Thinking about the amount of people who are saving Davrin just for Assan is actually crazy to me. I love Davrin, but he's reminding me of what happened to Wyll in BG3, and it's not a fun time. (I can barely pick up BG3 for various reasons and this is one of them.) I'm glad Bioware doesn't pander to the fans that are loud, because I don't have to worry about everyone's favorite white boy getting more content than the only black companion (saying this as a white person myself). I will always save Davrin because he is a compelling character even without Assan. I love the feather-brain but I feel like I want to know Davrin more than his mythical son.

I hate that we only got three world state choices, two of which don't really matter since it's more flavor text. It doesn't matter if we disbanded or merged into the Chantry, we don't see the consequences of those actions. It doesn't matter if your Inquisitor wants to Stop Solas at All Costs, because apparently they feel responsible for Solas being... Well, Solas. And our romances, outside of Solavellan, were reduced to a codex entry and sidelined.

Yes, Solas is important, and yes, I expected his romance to be given more light. I'm in the camp of people who feared that was going to be the case. And it was.

Yes, I agree that him getting a Good Ending with his vhenan is one of the better endings, but his friendship one and facing his fear of dying alone is also important. I liked playing a Rook that tricked him, I liked playing a Rook that chose to fight him as well. I'm glad we have at least those aspects that we can control.

As someone who has romanced Lucanis and Neve so far, I wish there were more little cutscenes, and not just for Lucanis. I'm just okay with how things are, even if they're a bit empty in comparison to what we could've had. That being said, I think that there's always room for improvement to have a more fulfilling resolution to the romance in the game the devs claimed was the most romantic. I wish there was more, I wish that there had been more to support that claim. I want to feel closer to these companions, and I am sure that I will as time goes on. But as it stands, for now after sitting with the game for nearly a month (11/29), I wish we had gotten more.

I would like to say that it really doesn't feel like the most romantic compared to the other three games. (Blackwall's "heart laid bare", Dorian's "you're dreadfully dull and I hate you", Josephine's letter of "let me make a promise to you here. I dream you will say yes", Zevran's "I'll storm the Black City for you, never doubt it", Anders' "ten years, a hundred years from now, someone like me will love someone like you, and there will be no templars to tear them apart", just to name the few that feel more romantic than what we're sitting with for Veilguard romances. And one of them is a codex entry.)

I hate that we have to learn through missives that the South is gone, save for Skyhold. I hate that we had no power to help the South, and that the last three games were all for naught. It's upsetting to know that Ferelden is gone. RIP Orlais, you slayed too close to the sun. Kirkwall being empty is a scary thought, but it's gone too.

It makes me wonder where HOF is. Did they ever find a cure? Are they even alive? What about a Hawke that didn't get left in the Fade? You mean to tell me that they wouldn't be out there in the frontlines doing something? You mean to tell me that they're sitting on their asses?

Varric dying is something else entirely, but it's just gut wrenching that we don't even get to mourn him. A second playthrough was mindbogglingly eye-opening. Harding was mourning when you check on her in her little room. Neve reminisces about how Varric brought her onto the job and she wishes that she didn't take it. They were mourning while Rook probably looked like they were in the denial stage of grief. What killed me inside was the fact I caught it the first time when Bellara name dropped Varric like she didn't know he was there. That's when I started thinking maybe he was gone, but I didn't want to believe it. I had to step away from my computer when the reveal happened because I was devastated.

We don't get to see just how the team made the fake lyrium dagger, or how they even managed to find Rook in the first place. We don't get to see the love interest's reaction, only the aftermath where they are still registering that Rook is there. We don't even get an explanation on how those things were possible. To create a perfect lyrium replica and locate someone in the Fade? Knowing that we could've had a mission to save whoever was left in the Fade hurts. RIP to those left in the Fade.

The secret ending is just... Bewildering to say the least. What do you mean that there's an even bigger force that has been controlling the narrative from Across the Sea? What do you mean these incredibly well written villains had no agency in their choices and were being used to orchestrate whatever the hell the Executors wanted?

Again, what do you mean that all that we've been through in Thedas just doesn't matter anymore?

#dragon age #dragon age the veilguard #datv #veilguard spoilers #datv spoilers #da rook #gnawing at the bars of my enclosure #gathering my thoughts #long post #dav critical #dav spoilers #yapping #is this anything #what a time to be a writer

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dolls-self-ships · 2 days ago

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related to my last post (on Ford's sexuality/romantic orientation)

ok, this is going to sound really stupid so please, bare in mind that I am aware that this is a fictional character and he isn't real and even alex hirsch himself said that anyway a fan might resonate with a character can be true to them. With that being said, I personally don't love the headcanon that Ford is gay. I myself am aroace, and a lot of what he seems to experience in terms of romantic relationships and his feelings on them seem to align more with my own and lots of other aroace people that I know. And idk why but fandoms and esp just the lgbtq community in general seem to be really dismissive of aroace people (some don't even consider us queer but thats another post), and idk why but it just bothers me that anytime a character in canon expresses little to no intrest in romance it becomes almost automatically fanon that said character must be gay and not know it, as if being aroace just isn't an option. Because, I feel like those are two different experiences, not completely but, different enough since one can still feel romantic attraction and one feels little to none of it. I also think it's over looked/never discussed how much of Ford's struggles with romance can also come from trauma (being ostrochized, bullied, dont even get me STARTED on it post Bill, etc.) which I also relate to, as someone who for mental health related reasons hasn't dated in years. And I've met lots of people, including men, who have struggled with the same thing. I've had my best friend suggest to me multiple times that I might be a lesbian since men seem to scare me (I've tried, I am not one) and idk I just wish there was more space in fandom to discuss how trauma and being nd or even just being on the aroace spectrum (or all 3) might affect someone's dating life instead of just coming to the conclusion of "oh he struggles with women so poor guy must not know he's gay". Not saying if you headcanon Ford as gay that you're wrong, he can literally be whatever, he's not real. I just wish I had more people that shared this point of veiw on his character with me because I resonate with those parts of his character just in different ways.

I also want to preface that it gives me the personal ick that whenever a male character is more effeminate/eccentric people think that it's an automatic precursor to them not liking women. Like, idk I really hate that it's 2024 and people still base their hcs off of that. There are (very few but they exist) straight drag queens. Femininity is not inherently connected to being attracted to men.

#idk. I have a lot of thoughts about hin #also ofc I am guilty of wanting him to like women bc.. I ship with him lol. so thats even more of a personal bias #but my main reasons are in the post #again not hating on the ford is gay truthers!! you do you I just want to find more #ford is bi/aroace truthers to hang out with #ford pines #stanford pines #gravity falls #gravity falls stanford #gravity falls stanford pines #gravity falls ford #grunkle ford #headcanons #sexuality #lgbtqia #aroace #being neurodivergent

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hellblazer-blossom · 2 years ago

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Ever feel you annoy everyone you talk to? Like you’re just stood there and the person looks so annoyed so you’re feeling you should shut up…like you’re that unlovable even just breathing annoys everyone?

Yeah that’s me :)

#depressed thoughts #shower thoughts #depression #mental health #self abuse #i really hate myself #I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself #I’ve asked for help but no one listens

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raticalshoez · 2 months ago

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i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode

#trafficblr #life series #hermitcraft #qsmp #the drought's been crazy i had to make qsmp x life series/hermitcraft you don't understand i literally had to #i literally cannot tag all of the cubitos without going over the limit so i'm gonna use them to rant about these doodles instead #when i tell you that i think dl!pearl would've loved tilín i'm telling you i think she would've LOVED them like.#something about just wanting to find love at every turn but feeling unwanted spdihgpisadhfpa. and also tilín's name is similar to tilly LOL #the jelly egg is just like if the double life jelly pandas were just an egg that scar loves with all his heart and grian reluctantly accept #i think out of all the duos in qsmp. the one i would want to see in the dl soumate premise the most is slimeriana. it's the dysfunctionalit #i made a post in the past about pac and tango being my fav cubitos bcs they were both crazy cartoonish and like scientists #but it kinda felt like a disservice to leave mike and zedaph out because to me they're argubly crazier and more cartoonish #missa and tim are paired bcs i just really wanted an excuse to draw the wet cats and it just so happened they both have relations to death #skizz and jaiden as the lawyers who were SHOCKINGLY good at their jobs like they cooked with that one #(was also gonna draw joe and roier as bad lawyers but i was running outta steam)#someone's already made a post about grian and (el) quackity and their eye entities so not much elaboration needed there #fit and etho just give the same vibe to be as a dude who has a reputation and is well-known and seems intimidating #i also made fit's arms way too skinny and i don't like it...but i'm not gonna go back and change it now i spent embarassingly long on this #but then his silliness is brought out by The Narrative #foolish and bdubs is one of my favorite drawings because i just knew i wanted to highlight the silly height difference #just realized they're also both god-like figures at least at some point #cellbit and rendog. cat and dog and lore. enough said about their connection.#i couldn't decide who fit etoiles combat hungry anime protagonist vibe best bcs martyn was originally paired with him #but i wanted martyn with phil so i went with my second options: joel and gem #i couldn't draw them mid rage but essentially the title is derived from “WHO KILLED EMPANADA” and “do me a favor. die for me.”#philza minecraft and martyn inthelittlewood. they feel like twins but one is evil (it's martyn)#SOMETHING I FORGOT THAT I WISH I ADDED: BBH AND BIGB AS THE ENTITIES WHO LIE. I HATE MYSELF HOW COULD I FORGET THAT #if i were to pair impulse with someone it would be tubbo? either him or scar would've been with tubbo #and then lizzie i just did not know who i wanted to pair her with. no one really does it like her in my opinion #scott's someone i also had no idea who to put him with he's just so...him...

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daftpatience · 6 months ago

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finally figuring out how to draw my fursona

#tigerbee #my fursona #tigerbees are an open species by tokyozilla and my old sona was already a tiger/bug hybrid so i felt like YEAH ill incorporate this #its such a cute creature i love big paw tinie feets #im taking some of my own liberties with him (making his features somewhat more tigery and also adding the extra finger so his paws have 5 )#i am strugglingto get that extra finger on the model tho i hate unity so much #they say not to mess with the bones on an already done model and they were right its hell on earth #i wish i could pay someone to do it for me but im such a control freak i gotta learn how myself #anyway rable OVER #my art tag

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sweetandsourcookies · 6 months ago

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lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.

#mostly like. i feel so alienated out for like. having such different views of chars.#dark choco is a char i find myself to relate to a lot. i see so much of myself in him.#and yet. i cant get fully interested and that makes me feel. am i even a true fan of his character #if my interpretation is so vastly different from the fandoms #and how his kingdom is probably my least favourite out of all the ancients' kingdoms #for how i feel like ppl and the narrative tend to forget how dark cacaos kingdom is so flawed.#like the whole “no sweet meals” thing. i am not talking abt irl influences and how it impacts the presentation of the kingdom but more like #i feel like ppl tend to perfectionize dark cacao kingdom while ignoring a ton of systematic issues in it.#then theres my opinion on hollyberry. i love her. shes my favourite ancient. but i wish we got a more serious storyline with her #im not all catched up on the lore but i just wish rlly wish we got more of the hollyberry kingdom. and see holly display a wider range of-#-emotions.#i hope the eternal sugar update will get us some hollyberry kingdom angst because i need some more serious characterization for her that r-#-not just snippets #then theres. white lily. i feel like im the only person who liked the fact white lily got her own kingdom and was split into two versions.#it DID come out of nowhere but like. i feel like its sort of more interesting than just white lily being fully DE?#her update was a fiasco with how shadow milk stole the show that was meant to be hers.#but like. so many of my opinions are different than the fandoms that i just cant help but feel like an intruder sometimes #i dont want to sound like a pick me or someone who thinks they r special for being different. because im not.#i do not like this feeling. but i needed to be open abt it ig #cookie chat #theres also like. the lack of proper characterization for carrow besides “good loyal soldier”.#that annoys me as hell too #fyi i DO NOT hate dark cacao kingdom to be clear. i love it a ton. the cultural influences are so interesting and i love the setting.#i just wish ppl didnt brush off a lot of systematic flaws abt it.

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derpinette · 8 months ago

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SPERG YOUR HEART OUT

#EVERYONE #NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& FOREVER #i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them.#i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz)#still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^#I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving #literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things #for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW #so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing #so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head #ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan #OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG #& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted #to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO.#next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it #i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN #like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...

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floral-hex · 9 months ago

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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

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triglycercule · 2 months ago

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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)