#I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Birthday Diaries- L. Norris
➢︎︎ Social media edit for the birthday boy!
➢︎︎ All of the pictures are from Pinterest!
➢︎︎ yes I’m still on a hiatus I just couldn’t help myself
Youruser
Like by Maxfewtrell, LandoNorris, and 44,373 others
Youruser Wishing a special Happy birthday to a very special soul, Lando you light up any room you walk into and you never fail to amaze me with how kind and loving you are. I couldn’t have asked for someone better to spend life with, it’s a honor and a privilege to have been able to experience all these years with you and seeing you accomplish your dreams again and again. I love you so much Lan, and once again happy birthday babes💚🥂
User I’m not crying, you are
User STOP I LOVE THEMMMM
User the note🥹
Maxfewtrell Photo creds???
| Youruser thank you so much max, you’re truly the best ever!!!!!
| Maxfewtrell I hate you😐
User screaming, crying, throwing up
LandoNorris thank you baby, I love you more🫶🏻
| Youruser No I love you more
| LandoNorris Erm I don’t think so, and it’s my birthday soo don’t bully me
User Parents
McLarenf1 Happy Birthday Lando!!!
User 😍
User Sleeping with the raccoon’s tonight!
OscarPiastri Happy birthday mate!
#uluvjay talks#lando norris x you#lando norris x y/n#lando norris fluff#lando norris edit#lando norris x reader#lando norris imagine#formula one fluff#formula one fic#formula one#f1blr#f1 fluff#f1 edit#f1 x you#f1 x reader
134 notes
·
View notes
Note
Ignore this if it'll be too much of a spoiler but can we get a glimpse into the songs D is going to write for MC? I'm already on my 🛐 for this Texan rockstar
don’t tell D i let y’all look into their lyric notebook/demo tapes but:
RISK
god, i’m actually invested haven’t even met them watch this be the wrong thing classic
god, i’m jumping in the deep end it’s more fun to swim in heard the risk is drowning, but i’m gonna take it
i’m gonna bend till i break and you’ll be my favorite mistake i wish you could hold me here, shaking you’re the risk, i’m gonna take it why aren’t you here in my bedroom? hopelessly boring without you too soon to tell you “i love you”
you’re the risk, and i’m gonna take it
MESS IT UP
did i fall out of line when i called you? when i told you i’m fine, you were lied to how could i think that all that i gave you was enough? cause every time i get too close i just go mess it up
i keep thinking maybe if you let me back in we could make it better, breaking every habit pull myself together you could watch it happen let it happen
HATE TO BE LAME
it’s always on the tip of my tongue i read an article on the internet told me that that’s how you know you’re falling in love don’t really trust what’s on the internet but maybe just this once
hate to admit but it might be true hate to admit but i think you knew hate to be lame but i might love you
DIAL DRUNK
i ain’t proud of all the punches that i’ve thrown in the name of someone i no longer know for the shame of being young, drunk, and alone traffic lights and a transmitter radio
i don’t like that when they threw me in the car i gave your name as my emergency phone call honey, it rang and rang, even the cops thought you were wrong for hanging up i dial drunk, i’ll die a drunk, i’ll die for you
#MC will also write ‘casual’ and other songs if they’re in the band so it’s even#if: the ballad of the young gods#interactive fiction#interactive novel#interactive story#twine wip#ro: d diaconu
69 notes
·
View notes
Text
Bad End: Century Demons
The steam engine blasted vapor into the air. Cacophonous chatter from the crowds all around us, pressing like a physical weight. I truely did hate traveling. Granted, there was nothing for it, we were needed. Being their Majesty's Special Task Force and all. But STILL! Awful. Just, awful!
It was the pushing, really. The constant shoving. Flashs of insight into lives I wanted nothing to do with. That individual? Marriage was collapsing. This one? Had debts. The girl who just stepped on my foot, thought she was in love, but honestly? Any adult could tell you how badly it was going to end. He was using her.
Frankly, I wish we could walk. At this point? I would honestly take a flipping DONKEY! But nooooo! What has my husband decided to do? "Let's take the TRAIN, darling! It'll be an ADVENTURE! Save so much TIME!"
He's lucky I married him AT ALL. Fuck. I HAD options! Could have been a Baron's wife. Well-to-do! But NO, I wanted to HELP people. Like a FOOL. Gods, my mother was RIGHT! Cute air-heads WOULD be the death of-!
I finally spot Arthur, the sweet idiot, looking lost by our baggage. Map in hand. Like a confused puppy told to do arithmetic or be scolded, his anxiety is palpable. I gather my skirts and shove. Fuck being polite. Everyone ELSE seems to be fine, being stampeding herd animals. Why not I? Move!
"O-Oh thank goodness! Darling!" Arthur gasps, nearly dropping the map as he reaches for me as I get close. His eye are wide and his expression frazzled. Tone as though someone has been compressing his chest. "There are-! There are so many PATHS! I didn't-! And I-! Oh dear. W-what do we do? Darling, I can't-! It's so-!"
Damn it! I KNEW this would happen! This was an awful idea! Reaching for my husband's face, I cup his cheeks, propriety be damned. Pull him close to press his forhead against mine. Match my breath, dear. Focus, darling, just... focus. Close your eyes. You do not See. Curse crowded places and what they do to us. We should have moved to the countryside years ago.
But no, no Arthur would never leave his Sister. And I'll not leave him behind. Damn it all, why? WHY?
Why did she have to pick the Nobility Route?
It was bad enough, remembering this world "wasn't real". That it had a "plot" for Gods sake. Bad ENOUGH to realize that the monster under the bed very much WERE a real and present threat, that I SHOULD be concerned about. But fool that I am? Did I HAVE to fall in love with the Protagonist's brother? Sweet and foolish? A simple, if air headed man? Apparently!
All I could do, now, was try to protect him. Try and protect myself.
Ignore the nasty, judging looks, being sent our way. Piss off! The lot of you! I took no vows to YOU. Stood in no church! There us exactly ONE person in the train station I care about, and it is NONE of you, so keep your snide opinions to yourself! Breathe, Arthur. There we go, dear.
Pulling back slightly, I check his eyes. They flick and track things unseen. He is still unusually pale. He... he will be rather disappointed. He was excited to try the trains. To him? They are a bold new technology.
Maybe once we get farther from the city. Here, at least, he is drowning.
Then, a change. Sudden and swiftly building. Whatever Paths my husband traced were disappearing, narrowing, even as terror sweeped across his face. Only twice I had ever seen this before. Once, was an earthquake. The largest seen in over 400 years. The other? A bombing just before the royal wedding, we had been still engaged then. But the way he had frozen? Mid-sentence?
It is BURNED into my mind. Just like the horror that followed.
Bellowing, I command everyone to get out. Evacuate.
NOW.
But already... it is too late. Down the line of the train, terrible symbols flash into being. Molten red metal, on the side of the train cars themselves, instants before the BLOW. Unspeakable shrapnel bombs. Made of people and metal and MAGIC. The train cars lifted from the tracks by the knock back, smashing into fleeing crowds, even as the next car goes off. And then the next. And the next.
A writhing chain of death.
Like the dying spasms if a great snake.
My husband is frozen. No. As I drag him down? I realize with horror, worse. Seizing. It has NEVER been this bad! What is HAPPENING?! What Path is he SEEING that could cause such OVERLOAD? Terrified, I watch as thin trails of blood, seep from his eyes, his nose. Oh Gods. Oh GODS! Arthur? ARTHUR!
Love! Stay with me! Please! D-Darling, Please! Focus on my voice! You have to let them GO! Close your EYES, Arthur! Don't look! Please, DON'T LOOK! It's KILLING YOU!
"That's rather the point."
I stop. From on the ground, where I crawl. Dragging my unresponsive husband to safety. My gaze finally whips around to ahead of us. Amongst the chaos... stands a conductor. Pressed uniform clean and hair entirely too long. His eyes... oh Gods, his EYES. I do not need to touch him to know. That? THAT is not a human.
Not anymore.
Shrapnel flies harmlessly over us, but comes no where near him. As though where he stands is Forbidden to touch. All around him, those fleeing? Suffering? Do not notice him. Do not SEE. Yet, on instinct alone... avoid him.
Because, of course they do. B-because that?
That Is A Demon.
We weren't even remotely prepared for this. And even if we WERE. Everything is packed away. Pressed to the floor, all I can do? Is drag my husband close. Feel tear begin to fill my eyes and choke my throat, as I curse the Gods. Damn it. D-Damn it! I drag Arthur under me. A-as though... as though we were just... just resting at home. Cuddling, as we so often do.
I-It will be okay, darling. Come back to me. Arthur... Please...
(We promised to go together...)
"He really is useless, isn't he? Can't protect you. Couldn't warn you. Can't even die, where he's supposed to be. Really, how hard is it? To just get on the damned train? Quite inconsiderate, your worthless lump of a first husband. It really won't be hard, no doubt, to surpass him in every way."
I drag Arthur closer. Cradling his head to me chest. You'll have to go through ME, you fucking monster! It's.. it's a laughable defense. I'm tissue paper. We both are. With out supplies and the proper anti-demonics? H-he's going to SHRED us. But... but! I took a VOW.
Married this man.
I... I love him.
Even if he's not awake. Even if he's trapped in his own gifts by this BASTARD of a Demon. That's.. That's okay. I'm still here. W-We're still together. And I love him. Silly, ridiculous, air-headed fool that he is. My quite scholar. M-My best friend. I glare at the damnable creature before us.
"You really do have such lovely eyes." It notes, tilting it's head. "Does he appreciate them? Somehow, I doubt it. He makes you live in squalor, after all. Dresses you in rags and works you like an animal. You were meant for so much... more. I can feel it."
With a boneless grace he squats, bringing him closer even as I try to drag us away, he reaches out. One hand both perfectly human yet tipped with claws. In the distance, I hear doors being forced open. Commanding voices. Prayers and the glimpses of shining light. The Paladins are here.
Too late... I... I fear it is too late.
Demon skin touchs my face and I scream, as I am cast beneath the waves. It is so dark. Oh Gods. OH GODS. IT IS SO DARK. HELP ME. HELP ME! IT HURTS! It HuRtS! HELP M-!
"Shhh, drink deep and sink down, Love. I will be there to catch you. Forget about him. Forget about everything. You are made for so much more. We were meant to be together. Just let go, sweet."
"Just let go..."
#threepandas#yandere#yandere x reader#yanblr#reader insert#yanderecore#yandere otome#demonic yandere#married reader#psychic reader#bad End century demons#bad end century demons au#tw death
34 notes
·
View notes
Note
I saw your twt about holding back on telling stories with serious and deep tones and it reminded me of an issue I had a while back. Im a south park fan and I loved reading deep analysis of the characters. and south park being south park, people dont take it seriously and think its just funny so it doesnt deserve deep analysis like other forms of media. I always came across comments saying "its not that deep" or "doing all of that for south park" and I used to hate that so much because why are you commenting that under the authors post? In media there is like a "spectrum" of how deep you are in it as a fan, and it doesn't make you less of a fan if you like to binge watch the show when you feel like it because its funny. Someone who makes fan fiction and psychoanalyses the characters doesnt make them a better fan than you. I hate "it's not deep" because it is that deep to me, I enjoy it, but it dismisses critical thinking and discourages deep discussions about our interests. I want to learn more about the turning point for eric cartman and the friendship dynamics between the main 4. I want to read psychoanalysis of the characters and understand why they do the things they do. I loved reading fan fics with an author that understood how the characters work and put them in situations while making it believable. Whether the content was deep and serious or lighthearted and silly. I don't see those as cringe at all. What I see as cringe is trying to downplay someones time and effort. you dont care for it. cool, just dont make it our problem.
I believe in recent years, this cringe and its not that deep mentality is linked to media literacy/reading comprehension issues. On top of the fact, that fandoms right now has been "normalized", so alot of mean and rude kids and adults are in this space not having a mature and respectful conversation and discussions, as well as zero fandom etiquette. (I understand the past wasnt this magical respectful place but this behaviour has increased compared to past years).
Please don't worry about making deep content, its super fun and there will be fans of what you write/draw that will definitely be into it.
GOSH anon you are absolutely right. cringe culture has done some serious damage to people's creativity and freedom of expression. doing things in earnest is now cringe to so many people (specifically that 18-21 age where they think they're better than everyone else and everything is cringe to them, image is everything) and they actually give you shit for it?? it's crazy. the most harmless thing in the world. whenever my hey arnold comics would leave my target audience on instagram i would get the meanest comments for no fucking reason, because i was taking hey arnold "seriously" (nevermind that hey arnold is probably the nicktoon with the most emotional depth and moments besides ginger but i digress) but hey at least i'm not the one losing my marbles over some random cartoon comic on the internet.
i think rudeness in general has been too normalized not just in fandom, but in social media in general. it's sad. the only thing you can do about it is be kind as much as you can to counterbalance it. i'd like to think that rubs off on people just like how being rude rubbed off on them.
i said that thing about holding back because i'm admittedly too hard on myself sometimes. no one is calling me cringe or making fun of me for what i do, thankfully, people have been super cool and supportive. and it means a lot to me because i'm very earnest about everything i create, even when i try to hold back. i literally cannot help being myself. it's all i know how to do. i'm just glad i was able to grow a platform where i'm free to be openly passionate about the things i like, talk about them and why i like them, the little things that i find fascinating, the emotions they make me feel, all of that shit is awesome and i wish more people did that.
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ever feel you annoy everyone you talk to? Like you’re just stood there and the person looks so annoyed so you’re feeling you should shut up…like you’re that unlovable even just breathing annoys everyone?
Yeah that’s me :)
#depressed thoughts#shower thoughts#depression#mental health#self abuse#i really hate myself#I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself#I’ve asked for help but no one listens
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode
#trafficblr#life series#hermitcraft#qsmp#the drought's been crazy i had to make qsmp x life series/hermitcraft you don't understand i literally had to#i literally cannot tag all of the cubitos without going over the limit so i'm gonna use them to rant about these doodles instead#when i tell you that i think dl!pearl would've loved tilín i'm telling you i think she would've LOVED them like.#something about just wanting to find love at every turn but feeling unwanted spdihgpisadhfpa. and also tilín's name is similar to tilly LOL#the jelly egg is just like if the double life jelly pandas were just an egg that scar loves with all his heart and grian reluctantly accept#i think out of all the duos in qsmp. the one i would want to see in the dl soumate premise the most is slimeriana. it's the dysfunctionalit#i made a post in the past about pac and tango being my fav cubitos bcs they were both crazy cartoonish and like scientists#but it kinda felt like a disservice to leave mike and zedaph out because to me they're argubly crazier and more cartoonish#missa and tim are paired bcs i just really wanted an excuse to draw the wet cats and it just so happened they both have relations to death#skizz and jaiden as the lawyers who were SHOCKINGLY good at their jobs like they cooked with that one#(was also gonna draw joe and roier as bad lawyers but i was running outta steam)#someone's already made a post about grian and (el) quackity and their eye entities so not much elaboration needed there#fit and etho just give the same vibe to be as a dude who has a reputation and is well-known and seems intimidating#i also made fit's arms way too skinny and i don't like it...but i'm not gonna go back and change it now i spent embarassingly long on this#but then his silliness is brought out by The Narrative#foolish and bdubs is one of my favorite drawings because i just knew i wanted to highlight the silly height difference#just realized they're also both god-like figures at least at some point#cellbit and rendog. cat and dog and lore. enough said about their connection.#i couldn't decide who fit etoiles combat hungry anime protagonist vibe best bcs martyn was originally paired with him#but i wanted martyn with phil so i went with my second options: joel and gem#i couldn't draw them mid rage but essentially the title is derived from “WHO KILLED EMPANADA” and “do me a favor. die for me.”#philza minecraft and martyn inthelittlewood. they feel like twins but one is evil (it's martyn)#SOMETHING I FORGOT THAT I WISH I ADDED: BBH AND BIGB AS THE ENTITIES WHO LIE. I HATE MYSELF HOW COULD I FORGET THAT#if i were to pair impulse with someone it would be tubbo? either him or scar would've been with tubbo#and then lizzie i just did not know who i wanted to pair her with. no one really does it like her in my opinion#scott's someone i also had no idea who to put him with he's just so...him...
54 notes
·
View notes
Text
finally figuring out how to draw my fursona
#tigerbee#my fursona#tigerbees are an open species by tokyozilla and my old sona was already a tiger/bug hybrid so i felt like YEAH ill incorporate this#its such a cute creature i love big paw tinie feets#im taking some of my own liberties with him (making his features somewhat more tigery and also adding the extra finger so his paws have 5 )#i am strugglingto get that extra finger on the model tho i hate unity so much#they say not to mess with the bones on an already done model and they were right its hell on earth#i wish i could pay someone to do it for me but im such a control freak i gotta learn how myself#anyway rable OVER#my art tag
58 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc
#oc text#obvs sparse description of the events bc i dont mean for it to be gratuitous#even if i decided to explore it further in some medium the focus wouldnt be gratuitous ykwim#not that there werent awful stuff within that but my focus with talon is also more exploration of like#even stuff that isnt a big deal (which it wasnt at first) can effect someone greatly#and then once it does get a bit worse the focus is still more on the effects of how he views himself and the aftermath#AS WELL AS LIKE. well. did i do this to myself? i went back. do i deserve this?#he's a lot like me and the reason i like the self insert dynamic is bc he thinks of cheye as Me If It Didnt All Go Horribly#bc ive not gone thru the Extreme but i have had interactions with ppl who very enthusiastically thought i was ummmm underage!!!#while they were already being creepy toward me and making me nervous abt my safety !#so this isnt ''he's umm 400 but looks 12 bc i want to do weird shit with him 😏'' dude drawing him Fed makes me so sad sometimes...#we're also weird eating buddies <3#and grief buddies <3 he actually further spawned out of my need to deal with a lot of family members passing away in such a short time#severe death phobia buddies...#i still dont know how he really feels about his Old Wrinkly Form btw all i know is he feels safe in it#as much as id love to sway toward ''he thinks he's hot like that. because he is.'' i also dont want to convey the wrong message wrt this#form being due to....disordered eating caused by Issues. ykwim#though! he can shapeshift quite well when he's fed and maybe he'd choose that form willingly if he ever got. Past everything#he does hate that he never gets to actually age...! he wishes he cld age normally like a mortal...(still scared of dying though)#but we cant knoww for certain yet ykwim. maybe he'll let me know soon.#my issue with talon other than i suck at plots is well he has too many of my issues. and. idk how to solve them.#he's growing with me.#oh and have we noticed he's mean to me when *im* being mean to me...MANY such metaphors#ok goodnite
140 notes
·
View notes
Text
lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.
#mostly like. i feel so alienated out for like. having such different views of chars.#dark choco is a char i find myself to relate to a lot. i see so much of myself in him.#and yet. i cant get fully interested and that makes me feel. am i even a true fan of his character#if my interpretation is so vastly different from the fandoms#and how his kingdom is probably my least favourite out of all the ancients' kingdoms#for how i feel like ppl and the narrative tend to forget how dark cacaos kingdom is so flawed.#like the whole “no sweet meals” thing. i am not talking abt irl influences and how it impacts the presentation of the kingdom but more like#i feel like ppl tend to perfectionize dark cacao kingdom while ignoring a ton of systematic issues in it.#then theres my opinion on hollyberry. i love her. shes my favourite ancient. but i wish we got a more serious storyline with her#im not all catched up on the lore but i just wish rlly wish we got more of the hollyberry kingdom. and see holly display a wider range of-#-emotions.#i hope the eternal sugar update will get us some hollyberry kingdom angst because i need some more serious characterization for her that r-#-not just snippets#then theres. white lily. i feel like im the only person who liked the fact white lily got her own kingdom and was split into two versions.#it DID come out of nowhere but like. i feel like its sort of more interesting than just white lily being fully DE?#her update was a fiasco with how shadow milk stole the show that was meant to be hers.#but like. so many of my opinions are different than the fandoms that i just cant help but feel like an intruder sometimes#i dont want to sound like a pick me or someone who thinks they r special for being different. because im not.#i do not like this feeling. but i needed to be open abt it ig#cookie chat#theres also like. the lack of proper characterization for carrow besides “good loyal soldier”.#that annoys me as hell too#fyi i DO NOT hate dark cacao kingdom to be clear. i love it a ton. the cultural influences are so interesting and i love the setting.#i just wish ppl didnt brush off a lot of systematic flaws abt it.
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
SPERG YOUR HEART OUT
#EVERYONE#NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& FOREVER#i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them.#i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz)#still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^#I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving#literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things#for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW#so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing#so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head#ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan#OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG#& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted#to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO.#next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it#i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN#like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
ᡣ𐭩 🍓。ꪆৎ ˚⋅
#unrequited feelings are so embarrassing T-T#like idk theres just smth so so shameful and pathetic abt it for me#the person whose voice who feels like a safe haven and that makes my heart feel safe and calm.. feels that with someone else's voice#the person i want to talk to everyday and talk abt our days and share pics and rambles and say gn/gm to.. is doing that with someone else#the person i think of and wanna share myself with.. does that w someone else#the person i wanna know everything abt and ask thousands of question to does that w someone else#the person i wish to talk to with my voice even if that in itself is smth anxious for me.. does that with someone else#just all ofthe feelings i have. all of the wishes i have. about them. they feel and think about another person in their life#idk it just feels so so so humiliating#to long and ache and want for a person and they feel those things mutually with someone else#and itisharder when it wasnt a 100% unrequited crush from the beginning#but in a moment in time many of those things did occur and there was a hope that more would occur#iamlike a snailand it takes longer for me to warm up and i hate that. i hate that im so slow and it takes so long bc like#why am i so scared??? why am i especially scared of things that feel good??? i WANTED all of it but i was too scared for moving quick#and then when my desire was overriding my fear ://// idk... idk ....#i just dont know how i fucked it up but i did#and now having these feelings is humiliating and painful bc they couldve been requited if i hadnt messed it all up#so now instead of feeling smth amazing for the first time in my life im once again stuck with pain#not knowing if it'll ever go away. if i can feel this way for someone else who will feel it for me as well. will i always be alone?#and when u are in love it's also *that* person. i cant just transfer these feelings onto someone else :///#ijust dont know but it all sucks sm and i think abt every fucking day every single second and i wish i didnt feel anything#i wish i didnt feel so deeply bc it hurts too bad#knowing that i couldve had all i dream of and more but i lacked too much and was too scared... fucking hate myself so much bro
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)
#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint#dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good#I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what#anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up#the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff#i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons#i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them#if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva#anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it#someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms#lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain#if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him#he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok#i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside#god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame#but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure#SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO#ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling#im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me#UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop#anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw#i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous#and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy#actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right#tricule rant
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
"if i isolate myself and just focus on doing my own thang free from the pressure of the eyes of others, then I become more comfortable w myself and gain some semblance of being assured in myself" okay good BUT ->
"if i spend time alone doing my own thang without the pressure of eyes of others for very long and let myself just exist, then i will indulge in things that make me happy, and the things that make me happy tend to be outside of the general view of "normal interests", and this will make me into a very strange person who has very specific interests and is annoying to others bc they became too comfortable with their weirdness and forgot they have to be normal"
so basically i have to just. hate myself a little bit all the time because if I like myself then I annoy people. argrgrhgrghh
#my interests dont seem weird to ME but i know theyre weird to others bc i always get strange comments that other ppl dont get#irl at least#online it feels like im too much of a normie lmfao i hate the dichotomy of the two spaces#and its nothing Bad. like. its just... things that mainstream doesnt like or doesnt know about#cringe stuff (s.elfshipping) and stuff that isn't understood very well (taxidermy) and stuff that is just seen as... idk.#like ppl are weird to me about my OCs and writing and art and stuff irl. they don't get it i guess#they just act so weird about it fhdkdl like im just... making my silly little stories. and they act like im either a genius or a freak#yknow i think maybe I've been told im a likeable person my whole life but i think thats just not true#the mask i put on is likeable. i think if i let myself exist in a genuine manner then i am not so likeable#im still niceys and kind and try to be thoughtful but ... i am just. someone who is very passionate abt their interests#and its hard for me to not get locked in w them and not Only ever talk abt them fjdkdl#and i love to help ppl understand them but i tend to not realize how much is in my head vs how much other ppl know#so i either overexplain or underexplain or misjudge their interest level in what im talking about (again either over- or under-)#god i just wish i were normal#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
ahhhh I'm so lonely
#hey look your friends are soooo happy they're having a great time but#you can't have what they have because you're too disgusting and no one wants you. we all hate you#i. really wish I could be in a relationship of any kind#almost all my friends are in a relationship of some sorts and it's making me. incredibly jealous that they're able to find#someone who actually wants to be with them...#I've been forcing myself to not think about this as much but when I do it really causes mental anguish for me and I want to cry#i just don't understand why I'll never be able to have what others have. why I'm always a choice farthest away from getting picked#it feels as if the world is rubbing it in too. like and it's like that for every type of#relationship. why is it so fuckijg hard for me to be loved like that. why can't I hold hands or ramble to someone like they can#it feels cruel but it also feels like it's my fault for existing and having wants.
3 notes
·
View notes