#I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself

[kaaaaaaarf]

fanfic author interview game

thanks for tagging me @moonheavens, @pretentiouswreckingball & @languagelessonswolfstar <33

How many works do you have on AO3?

32!

What's your total AO3 word count?

133,785. I write a lot of shorter fics....I have many, many more words in my google docs though.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

The Killing Time (unwillingly mine) - aka murder husbands check me out - university au one shot back when we were dinosaurs - aka museum soft like silk chiffon - silk slip remus 🤭 they call it the cockpit - airport smut

the rest is under the cut:

Do you respond to comments?

Yes, but I struggle to keep up!! I read every single one, though. They mean so much to me.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Oh, hmm. I try to make most of my endings pretty hopeful, but I Want A Dog is hurt no comfort.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Most of them tbh!!! Maybe back when we were dinosaurs?

Do you write crossovers?

Nope! Although @lynxindisguise has talked about doing a hatefuck b-side to everywhere, everything and I'd be down to help with that. 😇

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes, unfortunately.

Do you write smut?

hahahahahahhahha yes. It's so funny to me because when I set out to write fanfic I always said I wouldn't write smut, and arguably it's what I'm most well known for aside from murder husbands. I really struggle to write it, but I have received good reviews thus far. 🫡

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I had someone put my work on wattpad, which was really fucking shitty.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! I don't think I would really be okay with it unless I really knew the person doing the translation.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I write so slowly, and my writing is so dependent on the muse that I would be a terrible writing partner.

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Wolfstar!! Closely followed by everlark.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I was just thinking about this earlier. I had big plans for Nobody Parts Two Rivers Met but as much as I would love to finish it, I don't know that the muse will ever take me back.

What are your writing strengths?

Erm, good question. I think I have a really strong grasp on who my characters are. I'm also very good at comedic timing. This is always one of those things where I'm like...ask people who read my work, I really have no idea.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle with blocking. If there is a lot happening in a scene (like the pool scene in I Got My Spoon (inside your jar)) or there are a lot of people involved I struggle to make it sound natural. This is the same with smut...I really do struggle with it, and edit it to death in order to make it sound not so person a does thing to person b, person b smiles. I also over-use the em dash and italics.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I wont do it unless I know a native speaker of the language who can translate for me. I don't want my poor grasp of a language to take a person out of the story.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I would say evan(s) but I finally wrote a piece for that! I wish I could write snowbaz...I've never written for a fandom that isn't the marauders and I'm not sure if I have the intrinsic motivation at the moment.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

Probably back when we were dinosaurs. It's my most personal fic for many, many reasons. It takes place where I live and in one of my favourite places for a start. I also see myself in both Remus and Sirius at different times in my life....also dinosaurs!!!!! Other than that, maybe check me out. First fic I've ever written off a prompt and to be frank, I didn't think I'd be able to....it turned out better than I ever could have expected, and bonus....people seem to like it.

np tagging: @pain-in-the-riri, @swifty-fox, @moon-seas, @lynxindisguise, @fruityindividual, @imsiriuslyreading, @brigid-faye & @eyra

[rosewoodcafe]

I love you, I'm sorry

Ominis x Reader

Goodluck soldiers

I lowkey died while writing this

It's also on A03 and Wattpad :*)

"In all of my years being alive, never did I think I would be able to love someone as deeply as you. Everything felt right, complete, as if everything in this entire world could be fixed with the wave of my hand." She spoke, her voice cracking ever so slightly. "All I want is for you to love me as much as I love you, Ominis."

I kept a straight face, trying to control every emotion that was pulling at my heartstrings. I couldn't be with her, my family would kill her, damn the love I felt for her. My mouth was dry, every word sitting on the tip of my tongue.

"Say something. Please." Her voice was desperate, the sadness seeping through.

Merlin I hate myself for what I am about to do.

"I- I can't love." I said effortlessly, a lie the flowed so easily it was heartbreaking. "Gaunt's are incapable of love. I'm sorry but I do not return your feelings."

Her breathing stopped, and it felt as though time stood still, every movement she mad, every second memorialized in this horrible moment. Finally she took a breath, not saying a word.

"I love you." She choked out, the slightest whimper escaping her lips. She was holding back.

"I'm sorry."

After that day I lost her. 

Months after she didn't speak to me, her silence making me regret everything I have ever done. She laughed, even sounded happy when I would pass her. Sebastian would tell me how much he loved her, how he wished he could be with her. I encouraged him, hoping that with that my feelings would leave me. I hoped I would be okay, that I wouldn't dream every night of holding her in my arms.

Sebastian did ask her, and in my shock she said yes. In anger I stormed to the Undercroft, tears threating to burst out of me. The clockface door opened, letting me slip inside, tears starting to silently slip. The passageway was something I knew without my wand, and the iron gate slammed up letting me inside of my hidden sanctuary. I kept walking, I reached the middle of the room, feeling my body tremble. My wand dropped from my hand. I felt my knees hit the floor, and I screamed.

"WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" I screamed, my fists clenched and hitting the floor. They started to become warm with a think liquid. "WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME BE HAPPY?"

Every fiber of my body was on fire, and every part of me wanted to end it all. I wanted to simply be a tragic memory in the minds of everyone I knew.

~

Graduation rolled around, the last I would be around these people I have been near for years. It was a bitter end, Sebastian getting found for his Uncles murder, the only woman I ever will love completely unaware of my existence.

It is to be a Gaunt, to be alone.

The final ceremony ended, cheers ringing through the hall. I only felt hollow, an empty shell of an eighteen year old who had nothing ahead of him. Tears slipped from my eyes as I bowed my head down, attempting to disappear from this life.

Her laughter came carrying from a few seats down, an agonizing reminder that this would be the last time I can relish in the happiness her voice brought me.

I smiled. The pain of not being with her would be horrible, but at least I could have this one last moment.

I love her, more than anything.

~

Years have past. My wife sat across the table from me, eating silently. She was waiting to leave, to dismiss herself to the garden, where she would meet with her lover. I never stopped her.

Life had become dull, an everlasting pain stung into my heart. My wedding had been full of everyone who had never given an ounce of care, but you showed anyways, to give your good luck, blissfully unaware how badly I wanted you to be the one at the end of the isle.

"I don't know if I want to do this." I said to you that day. "I will forever be stuck within this Gaunt image."

"Then run with me." You said so casually, as if that decision would not ruin your life. "We can leave, never return and change our names. They would never find us."

"I..." The words were caught in my throat, just like that fated day. I couldn't speak.

"Ominis, I love you."

I felt my heart shatter and rebuild in moments. Of course you still loved me, but that never reduced the danger that I would put you in.

"I- I'm sorry." I said finally. I could hear you release a breath. Relief? Sorrow? I wasn't sure. "I can't run from this."

"I know." She said with acceptance. She knew I would respond this way. Her soft lips planted a light kiss on my hand. "I love you Ominis, always. I'm sorry I do."

Her footsteps leading out of the room haunted me, in my sweetest of dreams she always left. It also woke me.

~

I walked through the Ministry, heading to work. Amongst the crowd her voice carried, the laughter that lifted me out of that dark abyss more then once. I wanted to follow it, to tell her I want to run, that I love her as much.

Fuck it.

I followed the voice. Her voice. 

My wand carrying me, the noise of everyone else drowned out. She was right in front of me, I lightly held her arm, both of us halting in place.

"Oh Merlin! Ominis!" She said shocked. "You scared the hell out of me. How are you?!" 

I smiled by how out of breath she sounded, the way her hand moved over mine, warm and comfortable. 

"I'm wonderful," I said to her, "I heard your voice carry through the room. I knew I had to say hello again." I smiled. Everything about this was right. "How are you?"

"Oh, I am great actually. Headed to the family offices now actually."

"Family offices?" I asked puzzled at her response. Last I had known she was still unmarried. She moved my hand from hers, and placed it on her stomach. I felt every sliver of hope fade away, the dream of running gone.

"I am only about five months along, and I don't make enough money alone to support us." She said softly, my hand still over her belly. "I am hoping if I plead my case the Ministry will provide assistance."

"I can help." I said quickly, not thinking of anything but her. Her breath paused, then she moved her hand to my arm, stepping ever so slightly closer. 

"I will be okay." She laughed that wonderfully beautiful laugh. "Besides what would your wife think about you helping another woman."

I sighed. I assume she hadn't heard that my wife had run off, leaving my only child with me. His middle name shared with yours, as he became the light of my life like you are- like you were. 

"She isn't around... anymore." I said softly, gauging the reaction you had. "So by means, please, use my home to your extent."

"I- Ominis I'm so sor-"

"Don't be, please." I held her hand, just enough to try to communicate that I wanted her there. "Stay. With me."

"Okay, I will."

Without another word I began to walk us both to a floo station, heading to the home that had felt empty for so long.

I would get it right this time.

~

The sound of her cooing at the beautiful baby girl filled every crevice of my soul. You had moved in, taking care of little Oliver who was now barely a year old, and just recently having your own baby. 

A young girl, with the same silky soft skin. You told me that she had your eyes, I believed you.

I felt full, hearing my son who called you his mommy, and you, who didn't correct him. 

Life never felt better. 

~

"No you don't understand!" I yelled as she ran down the hall. 

"No Ominis! You don't understand!" She screamed out, anger flooding her voice. "I waited, for years, made myself forget you. Made myself move on. I tried everything. You expect me to just accept that you have loved me for just as long but you lied, to protect me! Bullshit!"

I felt her pain hit me, the anger like daggers against me. 

"I'm sorry lov-"

"You don't get to call me that." She snapped. "I forgave you. I let it all go, and hoped that with everything that I would never have to feel the pain that I felt because of you. Yet here you go again ripping my heart out and crushing it in front of me!" I could hear the sobs coming from her, her voice cracking as she yelled. "All I wanted was your love, and now that you are wanting to give it to me, I don't love you anymore."

Everything sunk.

My heart beating helplessly on the floor, bleeding out everything I ever had.

"I-"

"You what Ominis. Tell me how I am supposed to be okay with everything that has happened the past ten years."

"I don't expect you too." I said, tears dropping from my grief stricken body. The guilt from years of pain inflicted on her and myself finally catching up. A small smile tugged at my mouth.

"You were amazing Ominis, better then me in every way." She said croaking her response out. "But god you fucking hurt me, in so many ways."

"I'm sorry, I was horrible." I tried to hear her reaction, to know what she was thinking. "I can't change the past, but I can change now."

"I loved you! I loved you so much I was willing to loose you!"

"I lost you! It fucking haunted my life every day." I cried out, the years of pinning after your touch and laughter filling the void that was between us. "I loved you so much that I begged everyday to whatever god that there is to make you love me too. I loved you so much that I was willing to throw away the only person who made me happy for your protection. I loved you first, and that will never change."

"And I look back at those times to remind me why I can't love you again!" She shouted, her voice cracking.

"I look back at those times and remind myself why I spent years suffering." I sobbed. "I remind myself that everything I do is for you."

"I love you." She laughed, placing her head in her hands. Her sobs became muffled. 

"I- I love you." I whispered. Her breathing stopped, the slightest bit of hesitation.

"I'm sorry." She said, every emotion coming through. 

No words were spoken, but everything was communicated. The silence covering the gaps of miscommunication, showing that the two of us were broken beyond repair. We couldn't save what was there. There was truly no hope for either of us, the end drawing near. 

For in every life, a Gaunt couldn't love. A Gaunt was forever cursed to be alone. 

And Ominis was a Gaunt, a part of him he could never change.

[hellblazer-blossom]

Ever feel you annoy everyone you talk to? Like you’re just stood there and the person looks so annoyed so you’re feeling you should shut up…like you’re that unlovable even just breathing annoys everyone?

Yeah that’s me :)

[raticalshoez]

i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode

[daftpatience]

finally figuring out how to draw my fursona

[puke-ur-gutz]

i will cashapp $10 to the first person who can name 3 real life harmful things bob bryar did without accusing him of thought crime

[sweetandsourcookies]

lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.

[mushed-kid]

.

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

[tethrras]

he broke my heart ten billion times and shattered my trust so why do i feel a guilt akin to the sins that jesus christ took on behalf of all of humankind for telling him even a fraction of the pain he's caused me

[angered-box]

ahhhh I'm so lonely

[ningningkittie]

🦨

[makkie-is-screaming]

I should fucking kill myself

[steviescrystals]

i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane

(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)

[kit-katsuki]

ohhhb venting...

[sastielsfandom]

So many people do things out of obligation they can't believe the lengths people go out of love.