#I wish I had more time to work on it rn
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So a few months ago I made an animatic of Athena and Pallas. I’m remaking it with a different song but the same concept. The final spar between Athena and Pallas. This is what I have so far.
#I’m not even finished and I’m already sad#I wish I had more time to work on it rn#raaahhh#I must make more angst#art#my art#animatic#digital art#epic#epic the wisdom saga#epic the musical#athena#pallas#pallas athena#greek gods#greek mythology#goddess of wisdom#wip
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superbatweek day 1 - identity shenanigans
a scene from my own wip! clark kent meets matches malone on a late night outside the red lagoon...
i like em without colors too -_-
#superbatweek2024#clark kent#bruce wayne#matches malone#superbat#i wish i had had more time to work on the projects this week but lifes kinda hectic rn... maybe ill do redraws later#my drawings#its 4:30 am that still counts as day 1 right
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college … wasted on the youth (me)
#didnt help that 2/4 yrs was covid telezoom but man.. MANNN#forgetting how impossible it is to pursue rhe degree plan u actually want (advising hell) i feel like . theres just#so many diff things i want to learn now Knowing that im more solidified in my interests and who i am and what i would be interested in doing#and like.😭RGAAAAAQH TEARING MYHAIR OUTTT every other week i have a night where im sititng there like damn i couldve been sm1 completely dif#dgmw i still rly enjoy some of the upper div classes i Did take but what if i took x and liked it more or minored in y and it led me to z#bc i do feel rly set in where i am rn which . i DO ! like it but im never gna be in that environment where u have the flexibility to explore#ykwim . i wish i had taken physics and calc srsly . i always thought i hated that shit but i like it. i like it quite a lot actually😟#or more geology .. urrghh.. sprinkle in sme extra art history . no bc thats what actu pissed me off ab school#i rmbr wanting to dual major and they straight up told me no i cant . but then i was like maybe an arts major bio minor when i wanted to do#science illustration but sry we dont offer bio minor . ok bio major arh or studio art minor . no sry not enough open spots we rly only#reserve it for when we have extra openings post admission❤️#and then even late into sophomore year u would still be last in registration so all the cool classes would be closed#and then bc of covid half that shit was cancelled bc they couldnt transfer labs online (rip comparative vertebrate anatomy)#and then by senior yr an additional collection of classes were unavailable bc u dont have the prereqs bc the prereqs were cancelled during#covid and u dont have enough semesters left to actually take it . like it was gen such an awful experience so ik why i couldnt ever do what#i wanted but .😭 AND LIKE the classes i DID enjoy like genomics or molecular genetics were closed by registration and i had to email and beg#for access . thts crazy .literally crazy .#anyways . i think i want 2 start reading textbooks bc i think thats the closest ill get LMAOO#i remember seeing my coworker read a textbook for fun one time and idk why i just didnt understand why bc it seemed so dry but i Get it now#like yeah .. u knew what was up ..#sad too that like . i could theoretically audit a course but i Work..during the day .. so sad . so sad#guys wht if i just said yes to grad school (<the devil talking.dont agree)
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More matador!Fernando! Ferrari this time :D (I can't help myself.....)
- facial hair
+ closeups
I really wanted the vibe of this Nando pic, I think I did pretty well??
#GUYS THE BULL DO YOU NOTICE WHAT BULL DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY IMPLICATION#lmao tho i mostly put it there cause i saw this rly cool pic w the shadow of a bull on a matador's cape#i dont understand how i ended up making this one more intensive and detailed than the other#but im not mad cause i really like it aaahhhhhh#but i think this one took more than 6 hours and the other one was 5½?#and both i ended up working until an absolutely horrible time. dont ask me what time i wrote this post#okay btw i didnt draw that embroidery. thank you medibang pattern brush now beloved 🙏#i think it suits him!!!! i was thinking of doing stars anyways so I'm glad it worked out#two people id like to blame:#thank you 005 for accidentally reminding me of the sword!! im glad his other hand is not just idle :)#and thank you suzuki-ecstar for asking me at some point if id ever draw facial hair on nando#^ particularly the 3 Musketeers look. so thanks. i suddenly remembered and i had to draw it 😭#it kept shocking me how baby faced i drew him every time i took that layer off#also every time i worked on the suit red genuinely ceased being an actual color to me#its bright red right?? like very fluorescent?? but my brain kept going: is this too orange?? this isnt red right????#anyways happy with this!!!!! there were a lot more roadblocks than the other but it all worked out#but wow wish i had this level of diligence for yknow. schoolwork.#i can spend 6+ hours on a drawing straight but school? nah i give up every 20 mins or less fjfkkfl#also not abandoning my other aus or anything but i have a lot more ideas for this honestly#i think the ref pics are a lot easier and more interesting to find than for my other AUs#<- cause its so much more modern lmao. so i have a lot more inspo than trying to find ultra specific 18th century paintings#i wanna draw 3 things rn:#nando w the ceremonial cape. seb in a matador suit. and of course some silly vett//onso in this AU#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#fa14#matador au
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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it is still so wild 2 me i have someone i can be comfortable with and even gives me More energy to spend time around i truly never thought it would be possible. never before seen in my whole 23 years of living
#even when im alone im just damn wish my bf was here rn :[ wish i could listen 2 them talk rn :[[#doing anything like hrm :( wish they were here experiencing this with me#when usually the second an interaction is done with anyone i retreat and go to writhe in embarrassment at even having been perceived#the shame of existing Gets Me#the less people around at any given point makes me stronger n more safe#but not w them... .. . with them i am Safe.. .#for the first time ever#and im capable of being silly n having fun instead of stiff n terrified and frozen into mutism#i hav tried my whole life to be social#n i never could get it to work#i never felt comfortable even w friends i had for years or even my exgf or family#n yet somehow.. .. it just Happened.. . n now im here#& i still dont know how#but i am so yippee#& i am so in lov#i got em.. .#best person in the world#funniest hottest loveliest coolest most loving person
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hatsune miku !?!
she’s so cuutteeee :]
#wish i had more time to take pictures of her rn but i have work :[#also my first nendoroid doll !!!#nendoroid#nendoroid doll#hatsune miku#miku figure#figure collecting
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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monster hunter world brainrotting so hard rn. You should all consider urselves lucky im not spam reblogging cool nergigante fanart or perhaps xeno'jiiva or tobi kadachi or
#txt#im snapping im gonna reblog One tobi kadachi#im replaying world rn w friends. ive already beaten it once before!#ramble in tags lmaoooo#fun game great game series. i love being able to hunt with 8 billion weapons and learning combos and monster movements#one thing i dont like is how a lot of the armor for female characters is super skimpy. sighs.#for my first playthrough i mained hammer/insect glaive. this time around im using hunting horn/lance/bow!#i tried gunlance too. the gameplay loop of it confuses me a bit? its fine tho its fun when i get it to work#i also Have monster hunter rise but like...man!#the hunting horn in that game vs the one in world :( (<- guy who likes heavy weapons like the dynamo roller)#its like they took away the strategy and difficulty of the horn. it feels so light. i dont need to rlly string together combos. the one in#- world speaks to my soul so hard. yeah i DO love being the guy in games who uses heavy hard hitting weapons i love being STRONG#wish i had more friends that played monster hunter buuuut thats just because i want somethin new to ramble about! For example the insect g#laive is so fun bc u have to volley between gathering 4 diff types of juices to buff urself and also flying throuhg the air and zipping aro#nd and the hunting horn i
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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love my leather boots sooo much.. polishing them at weekends is my favourite chore by far I always look forward to getting to do it :-)
#just re-lacing them rn so theyre ready for work tomorrow theyre so shinyyy muah#when my next payday comes around im gonna get a second pair so im not putting as much strain on the leather by wearing them everyday#but i think im gonna go for a different colour to my standard black.... ik solovair do similar ones in burgundy or bottle green hmm#well i have a month to think abt it before i decide!#red is my go to accent colour but green would probably fit better with my work wardrobe... and i do wear work clothes 5/7 days a week#anyway.... i need to meditate and then sleep. i usually settle down for bed 9:30 but im a little wired cuz new med change#so ive been putting it off until i feel actually tired so i wont stress abt not being able to fall asleep and then make it worse#i will probably feel pretty tired at work tomorrow but thats okay i dont have anything taxing scheduled#feeling so much better now this weekend is behind me. ik next weekend will likely be difficult again but im more prepared for it#i need to book myself this trip as well before train tix get too expensive so i have smth to look forward to next month....#just debating whether i actually want to invite other ppl or not. itd be rly nice for everyone to come but with recent events i feel-#a little delicate abt social stuff and i dont want to stress myself out and get insecure bc its meant to be a treat for me#like if i invite other ppl itll become their trip and suddenly im in the backseat third wheeling them all#and ill wish i had uninvited myself so they would enjoy it more etc but the POINT is its smth i wanna do!!!! for me!!!#we'll see how this week goes. i dont rly feel ready rn to unmute their server yet tho bc ill just make myself upset abt next weekend#letting sleeping dogs lie for now... ill come back around eventually it always takes some time to recover from mood swings that intense#okay now goodnight! xoxoxoxooxo#.diaries
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#i#idk#i'm feeling some regret for account hopping fandom to fandom so much over the years and not posting my art regularly#it's so hard to not compare myself to other artists but i can't help that i have severe anxiety and burn out...#would i have already had a loyal following that genuinely cared about me?#would i have been able to live a more comfortable life working remotely and not have to do so much physical labor?#i feel like i'm wasting my life away. my potential.#people tell me to go to art school but i just don't have the time or resources to rn#i wonder if pursuing art as a career is even possible for me#i also can't help but wonder if my personality is likeable or memorable enough to even sustain that kind of thing#i'm not well-spoken nor would i make a good leader or role model#i just wanna make art#art for me and the people who get me#and i wish i could live off of that#i know i can get there some day if i keep trying and that it's ok to go at my own pace...#i just have no confidence in myself at all :(#jeri venting#I- ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS AHSHAASCG#whatever. i wanna practice being more vulnerable again anyway lol 😵💫
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thank god i have a stretch of free days coming up, i need to play catch up with my sewing ;;
#paige chatter#between work and going over the sib's place to help with wedding stuff; i've had like 0 time to sit and sew#as far as i know; i may or may not still have those days off#i really hope so; i need to get this project done and on it's way (spoilers: it's one of the beastos babies)#there's one left unclaimed rn; if it continues to remain unclaimed it will be set aside so i can clear up my backlog of digital works#really need/want to get back into traditional works again too ;;#need to get my act in gear with driving lessons as well#god i wish i had a little more free time ;;;
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my first ever rw post has been getting a pretty lot of attention (appreciated) so have Herb sharing some popcorns with you
(yes, youre the scug on the left, also fluffy because its cold!!!!!!)
#man i wish i had more motivation rn to draw something cooler than some silly little sketches#and my internet is barely working it makes stuff way much worse#aeugh#alright tags time#art#silly#funny tag#oc#rain world#rain world art#rain world downpour#rw#rw downpour#rw oc#rw scug#slugcat#scug#rainworld#fluff#doodle#rain world oc
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every once in a while i take a step back and realize how fucked up Lovers Reversed is
#and I come back with a renewed hatred for Jeremiah#eric finally speaks#i still maintain the fact that i wish i had more time to develop leo's core character traits before i played him but oh well#i work with what i have and rn that's an impulsive and obsessive man who refuses to let go of his abusive ex#and he also just wont tell people shit about J huh whats up with that?#do you want all the knowledge about him to be yours? like some kinda special secret that is yours to keep? whats wrong with you#smthn smthn he's so used to j being there he has no idea what it would be like without him and thats rlly tragic actually considering...yk#oops i made a super fucked up man#oc rambling
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blah blah blah blah blah
#i have real thoughts rn i am just so overwhelmed with feeling that this is all that can come out#tldr: i wish i could just spend my time traveling and treating women how they Deserve to be treated (well. loved)#thinking about how many people i see who are so deeply sad#thinking about how many ppl ive had a positive impact on even if we ended on terrible terms#thinking about how many more people i could help if i just had the resources ....#thinking about how fucked the psychiatric industry is and how so many therapists suck#thinking about how i actually love being the mommy therapist friend a lot of the time and my limits surrounding that really just come from-#-the fact i Dont have the resources to do this for everyone bc i also have to manage other things in life and work and such#thinking about how if i could i would actually do free emotional labor like. all the time.#thinking about how much it sucks i cant do this#thinking about how much i want to hold every sad girl i see on my dash and let them cry into my arms until they cant anymore#thinking about how much i love my friends#thinking about how much I love...... everyone i meet#not in the like Romantic way but in the “oh hello. you crossed my path. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being alive” way#thinking about all the people who have harmed me and how i Still feel so much love for all of them#thinking of the strangers who have been both rude and kind to me and how much i think of them. how deeply i hope they're still alive.#it..... hurts to love this much ngl#but pushing it down feels worse and im full of this feeling of tender frustration????? because of it#i love that i have so many people who allow me to love them and love me in return#i want to reach through the screen and kiss every follower and mutual and person i follow on the forehead and tell them I love them#i wish i could express more love for people w/o them falling In love with me or being weirded out thinking im In Love w/ them....#i wish i could express better that its not that im aromantic but that i just have so much love at my baseline that its hard for me to-#-Fall in love unless we constantly are talking and communicating and like. working to that together without sounding like a jerk or like im+#+a saint. im not a saint. im not. i just love you. ):#ANYWAY sorry for all those feelings if i didnt get them out i was gonna explode#that also definitely wasnt really a tldr
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