#I want to bring all of you on this horrendous journey with me so you too can suffer at the hands shitty novelty online shops

[rejectedfables]

the apparent lack of cum scented candles available for sale is a travesty. An attack on comedy. The existence of candles that SEEM to be cum scented (and are labeled things like "CUM" or "smells like cum in here") but when you try to add to cart and it asks you what normal inoffensive scent you want it to smell like? A homophobic hate crime. I'm trying to make my house smell worse!

[thechthonicherbalist]

A belated Hiatus Post

I have been rather inactive for the past 3 months & received a lot of notifs about it. I won't be able to answer all of them, sorry for that. Here's my attempt to try & lay open a little why I've been gone and what the coming months will bring. I have pondered long how to write this in the least hurtful way, while also expressing my own emotions & experiences.

Those of you, who have followed my journey on pretty much any other page, probably know that I'm chronically ill with autoimmune disease, homebound since over a decade, that I got cardiovascular damage as a side effect & that since 2021/22 my condition severely worsened & often leaves me mostly bedridden for weeks at a time. I shared about the numerous surgeries & medical treatments I had in the past year, how I've slowly lost the ability to digest food before & require parenteral nutrition via an IV port since September '23. As well as how I tested positive for GI cancer in March. I've been waiting for an appointment to remove growths, cauterize multiple ulcers & take tissue samples to test for malignant cells since & been gone for a 6 week long hospital stay with a number of surgeries after September 16th & was taking time to recover from that since. My mental health has gone really bad in the past year as well, for a number of other reasons but also this. I've experienced the biggest cptsd relapse I've had in the past 20 years in the past 14 months. I went from stable & happy, despite my illness and a low-contact situation with family, after almost 2 decades of therapy & inner child healing to escape and recover from an abusive childhood home; keeping my cortisol low and my nervous system calm to prevent further autoimmune flares & to be able to cope with my fatigue enough to do my work and happily make art and write... ...to the point where since about a year I'm in the middle of a full blown relapse of complex PTSD, severe depression and anxiety that has little to do with my offline life. Despite numerous attempts to resolve or remove myself from the underlying situation in order to preserve my well-being and safety, requesting acute intense psychiatric care during hospital stays more than 8 times, as well as consulting regular therapy sessions in social psychiatric help centres since January and ultimately return to therapy since June, I've only started to experience relief more recently.

🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐

And this is where the good news start!

🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐

In the past 2 months, I have finally been able to take care of myself, my work, household and hobbies & properly rest again, without constant exposure to anxiety inducing situations. And while the time in which I had surgery was still horrendous for a number of situations related to this, I have at least started chemotherapy now, without having to constantly fear that something terrible will happen again when I'm most vulnerable right before, during or right after my treatments or other crisis in my private life. So far the treatment is effective, even though I have all the unpleasant side effects that come with it. Overall my life is much calmer now and I don't live in constant anxiety anymore, which is a huge win for me. Moving forward, I want to return to doing things that are good for me & were originally intended for this blog, now that I can finally rest, heal, take care of my health and actually thrive & be productive at my own pace in peace.

So despite the fact that I won't be super active, here are my plans for the future:

Make more original art and art dedicated to my own passions and projects again and actually post them. I had started a series on learning to do folkloric art as well as a series on intrudcing MBTI personalities, glimpses into their lives, lots of research, writing small articles and doing my own art for this, in 2022.

Return to my passion projects from 2022/2023 (all NSFW): - My 9-pieced fanfiction series "Lestat's Lovers" and Art for it - My 8-pieced fanfic series "Things I didn't tell Thetis" - My 4-pieced series "To love a thing Death can touch" I have wanted to continue writing for a long time. The plot for the first one has been with me for 17 years & is deeply intertwined with my internal universe. I've always hungered to write & share it with the world with the art I used to make for it, but never finished or even started. It was devastating to be unable to do that for so long.

Post about my journey as a native practitioner of Bohémien Romani Culture, Slavo-Celtic Shaman-/Druidism and Kabbalistic Judaism, as well as the taught believes of Hellenism, Christianity and Christian Satanism in the past 20+ years, present and future.

Translate & publish the vast knowledge I've assembled about herbs & other natural substances, their uses in historic and folk medicine, magic, alchemy, spirituality, etc, their historic significance and much more. It's been a big interest since my childhood, I was taken on hikes to collect herbs & materials for homemade remedies and other things and taught how to make them from scratch, since I could be taken out in a baby sling.

Make blog posts about my culture, including its folklore, mythology, rites, magic etc. and post them here. (I borrowed books about this from the library, so I can give reading recommendations and cite interesting sources! :D)

Create a side blog about my music recommendations, as I'm very passionate about a lot of genres and want to keep things more sorted. <3

Stop being scared to make posts for my mental health & healing journey again, even if they might still get misinterpreted. I can't take the responsibility to manage others' perception & emotions or literally anything else they should work out themselves.

[dalekofchaos]

The problem with Rey choosing to rebuild the Jedi Order and take the Skywalker name

When I look back on Rey's journey throughout the trilogy is that it's apparent to me that she really doesn't show a desire to be a Jedi.

In The Force Awakens, Rey wanted to find her family, she is mesmerized by so much green in the galaxy and ultimately protecting her friends.

In The Last Jedi she wanted to find her place in the story and bring Ben back to the light. Rey ultimately comes to terms with the fact that she wasn't born into any powerful bloodlines and made peace with her family being gone. Rey forged her own heroine's path and it worked.

In the Rise of Skywalker, Rey goes back to the same hairstyle she had since she was a child and the same outfit in TFA, but in white, it's like all the growth from the last movie never happened. Rey's motivation is whatever the plot demanded it to be. She wants to "earn" Luke's Lightsaber(fuck you JJ) and she wants the Jedi to be with her. Now it's a plot convenience to stop the bad guys. And she's in killmode everytime she sees Ben. Now the uplifting message that she's not related to anyone is gone, she's related to the literal Satan of the Star Wars universe. Now she wants to kill Palpatine out of revenge. Now she has this new found reverence for "Master Skywalker" when it was never there to begin with. It's only because of Ben's redemption that she doesn't strike Palpatine in anger. Ben dies, Rey goes to the literal tomb of the Skywalkers and symbol of the family's misery, buries the sabers and takes their name.

TROS absolutely destroyed Rey’s characterization. In a way that’s kind of mind blowing actually. She’s definitely meant to be a parallel character to Luke, but Rian purposely wrote it to subvert fan expectations. A lot of people probably saw the story trajectory following the OG trilogy after TFA, which had a very similar vibe to ANH. However while both Luke and Rey start out as mysterious nobodies, Luke very much did not want to be Vader’s son. His curse was being the son of this monster, and finding out the truth about his lineage. Meanwhile, for Rey, it’s literally the exact opposite. She wants desperately to be apart of something. Kylo points out her weakness perfectly in TLJ- “Your parents threw you like garbage… But you can't stop needing them. It is your greatest weakness. You're looking for them everywhere… in Han Solo… now in Skywalker.” Rey wanted to apart of something bigger than herself to belong. While Luke’s hero’s journey started by accepting his parentage, Rey should���ve begun by accepting that she alone was enough, and she deserved a place in this story for her own merits.

TROS absolutely dismantles this by having Rey discover she’s actually related to the big bad (just like Luke), which somehow earns her a place at the table. Except unlike Luke, who had 3 films prior to truly hate/come to terms with Vader, Rey meets Palpatine in the very last movie, and he essentially becomes a villain-of-the-week or a Marvel villain of sorts. There’s no build up. Rey’s powers suddenly need to be “explained” to the audience, via her lineage, and it’s horrendous because the message of the prior films showed that anyone can have the force. Also Rey suddenly having an attachment to Luke or the Jedi order makes no sense from her character’s perspective. It feels as if Rey is supposed to represent the audience, and her worship of Luke is reminiscent of how fans (who’ve had 47 years of Star Wars fandom prior) should feel about him. But Rey as an individual, as a character, should not view Luke in this way. They did not get along in TLJ, and in the long run, his impact on her was very minimal. And by clinging to past ideas, it just shows Kylo Ren/Ben Solo was right. She can’t stop needing parental figures to feel loved/belonged. She needs to carry that torch.

Now Rey is expected to be this Jedi Master 15 years later.

Here's the problem. Rey has never shown a desire to be a Jedi. It's just something that was necessary to become. They never explored what Rey wanted.

“People keep telling me they know me. No one does” neither did JJ Abrams or DLF, apparently.

To me, Rey's desires were to have a family, to live on a green planet and to live in peace with Ben, her other half. While Ben's story should have been actually completing what Anakin. Saving the one he loved and starting a family.

Ben died and so instead of giving what Rey wanted, she's given what JJ Abrams and DLF wanted, a Jedi's life of duty instead of a desire of love and family.

Now it feels like Rey is going to be like they ended things the way they did so Rey could succeed leading a Jedi Order where Luke failed and to me, that's boring, might as well just say Rey is going to become Legends Luke.

For me, personally, the more interesting story moving forward would be having Rey go darker. Completely subverting fan expectations, but I know Disney won’t do this. However, based on how TROS ended off, I think it could be an interesting way of continuing the story and re-gaining interest from fans who’ve become bored with the same formula.

Just imagine. Rey founded a new Jedi Order, but Rey isn't happy. She thought this is what she wanted, but it isn't. She does her best to mask her feelings from her students and fellow Jedi Council members, but deep down she knows what she wanted is long gone. "But what if he can come back" she thought to herself. she grows darker and starts committing dark acts to bring Ben back. If she condemned herself to the dark side, so be it. If her own Jedi Order turns against her, so be it. She throws away the Skywalker name and leaves the past behind her. She will find Kylo's helmet, wears his sweater and take his title. The force took her other half, so Rey will rip apart the force to bring him back.

Sources

TROS Concept Art

Pablo Ruiz

reyreybutt

clari.saiyazam

[callmeklair]

unrequited [epilogue]

« it's going to be a long journey »

Yui didn't know how she was supposed to face Reiji after what she just witnessed, no, more than that she is disgusted by the fact how their own father, Karlheinz, despite being aware of his son’s presence continued to say and show such horrendous things.

Should she confront Reiji or walk out and think for some time???

she is not prepared for either.

though it was too late to ponder on those thoughts as Reiji already got his hands on her and took her to Eden’s garden.

To Reiji it was most obvious what he should do, after all he has spent two lifetimes with Yui.

communicate.

he knows, at some point she'll blame herself, that's why he needs to talk with her. he needs to.

after arriving at the garden, both of them were quiet for some time, debating with words that'll sound proper instead of worsening things.

“Reiji-san you remember, right?”

ah, how badly he hoped that would be the last thing she'll ask.

“yes.”

“....”

“....”

“look Yui I can explain–”

“no I understand.”

“wait it's not what you think–”

“no, no, no, don't worry. I'm not misunderstanding things. even though your reason might not be identical to mine. I'm genuinely alright.”

“???? what are you-”

“I don't want Shu to remember. you heard that already right?”

Reiji was silent. he was so confused on Yui's sudden behavior. the girl who is always loyal and would rather die than fall in love with someone else has given up?

he knew how strong her love was. he even heard her genuine reasons on why she gave up on Shu, but something doesn't sit right with him.

was that the only reason?

more than that, she declared she loves him?

he should be happy to hear that but why is he not able to accept it?

“was that the only reason you gave up on Shu?”

Yui opened her mouth to say something but paused for a minute.

“maybe it's all my fault.”

“how?”

she shook her head.

“you are Reiji. you already have a speculation don't you.”

“please stop being so mysterious, that's so unlike you. Yui.” yes he knows the answer but he is also starting to get afraid at the sight of how her eyes are slowly starting to darken and becoming identical to his. he is trembling internally. he needs to convince her. but before that…

he slowly brings her into his embrace, rubbing her back gently to ease her. she is trying to be brave but she is doing that by putting all the weight on her. until she lets it all out properly, she'll keep sinking into the abyss.

on the other hand, Yui is a little dumbfounded at Reiji's actions. it's so unlike him. but even though it's not like him, she understood bit by bit what he is trying to do. after all, even though he is stroking gently, his hands are stiff.

she laughed.

this is no situation to laugh at but his small efforts and actions are making her giddy. she laughed with tears in her eyes as she finally let it all out.

gritting her teeth while the tears streamed down her cheeks, she hugged him back tightly.

“it's all my fault. it's all my fault… Reiji-san. why do we all have to go through a trial just because of my heart and reach someone’s expectations? why do you all have to do those things?”

he kept rubbing her back, letting her wet his favorite black coat, as he looked at a far distance.

“Shu had to cut the vibora leader’s head just for the sake of freeing me and you all had to face the vibora’s wrath while almost getting killed. and then what was the end result? we were sent back to square one because we didn't meet the expectations.”

“at first I badly wanted Shu to remember but then it crossed my mind. Shu changed by coming out of his comfort zone and went through all that length to protect me, only for us to end like this. even though he won't show it, he'll continuously self blame himself everyday for failing to protect me.”

“but more than that, as you already know, I was starting to lose my mind by being stuck in this animesic world all alone as I desperately pestered Shu to remember me like a mad woman. I was starting to get crazy. and if he would have regained his memories and saw me in such a state, it would have added fuel to the fire to his self-blame.”

for Reiji, love was a new word. if anyone told him such a thing, he would mock it and call it a waste of time.

it might be hard to understand Yui's way of thinking when it comes to love, but he'll do his best to get it for her.

“those tea times with you were my only solace. contradictory to my solemn days I spent forcing Shu to remember, I was calm and collected with you. devoting time in your presence made me rethink and differentiate things. it helped me to not lose my mind. maybe that's when, unknowingly, I fell for you. everytime, after I visited Shu, my head was dizzy as I felt myself slowly go numb. slowly feeling like throwing things around to vent it all out.”

“Yui…” there was this one time, he heard things breaking in the bathroom. at that time he thought she was just being clumsy but was she having a hysterical fit then?

was she becoming like Subaru’s mother? was he too late!??

it's like she sensed his thoughts and patted his back to prove otherwise.

she is alright.

Reiji was completely clueless what to say as nobody has ever relied on him or had a heart to heart conversation with him.

heck, he never even initiated such things and never cared if there was a misunderstanding. but now that he is with Yui, it's different.

maybe he should start with something simple?

“I'll support you” he slowly lifted his face away from her shoulders but made sure his eyes never left hers, as their foreheads inches apart.

it's not much, but he'll try. he will try everything he can to make her feel better.

Yui leaned closer and pecked his cheeks like she was assuring him that what he is doing and thinking is on the right track.

“you know, when you are anxious you become stiff and speechless.”

she really knows them all well. no, maybe it's more like how she spent most of her time with him too in both the timelines that she came to understand him in deeper terms.

“then should I take it as yes?” he said pointing at his kissed cheek.

Yui blushed before stammering how it should be her asking that when he obviously heard her confession back in that room.

days passed as Yui and Reiji spent time together to develop their relationship. it was more like Reiji not wanting to rush things with her as he still wanted to make sure she slowly recovers to her normal state.

Yui also figured that if she had a timeline with Reiji which she doesn't remember, then there are chances she might have one with others too.

but it's no use to ponder on it now because right now she has set her future with Reiji. they have decided that they'll face all the upcoming hardships together no matter what.

Reiji also gave her a necklace that connects her with him and vice versa for his own necklace.

this necklace will alert the person if the other is in danger, both physically and mentally.

still vividly remembering what he heard that day and also the events with Shu, Reiji researched day and night on it and after a week, successfully crafted this couple necklace.

now it was the day. their wedding day.

Yui was still unsure because they still have to face the Tsukinamis but Reiji replied that the marriage will only make things easier and those two can't try to lay a hand on someone's wife if they have morals.

the whole Sakamaki household was shocked because it's not been that long for them since Yui arrived. but to Reiyui, it's already been two timelines.

thankfully, the preparations went well and of course it was a small wedding after Yui insisted a lot.

Yui walked down the altar holding Shu's elbow, remembering how he agreed to be her Chaperone by himself. at first she got anxious thinking Shu remembered everything, but that wasn't the case. the only answer they got whenever they asked Shu with a doubt, he'll say:

“it's my duty as the older brother” like he was declaring himself not only Reiji's but Yui's brother too, after all the bride is escorted down the aisle by her father but that isn't the case with Yui as Seiji cannot be reached.

more than that, she still doesn't know how to face him when he finds out she is marrying a vampire.

oh they have a long way to go, but that shouldn't matter. because right now the priority is to spend the time with each other as much as possible and enjoy the moment.

you never know the future.

Yui smiled as she completed her vows with Reiji and kissed him.

it is going to be a long journey.

Yui… you can finally stop crying now, because this man, Reiji, will never let you shed a tear and always keep you smiling.

she said to herself as she walked hand in hand with him towards their carriage to set off for their home.

the end.

[aziraphales-library]

I read a Fic I really enjoyed that was for Good Omens where it was human au, enemies to lovers, both were at Anathema’s wedding. The wedding was outside and I remember that Crowley was playing with the kids at the wedding. Spinning them around, playing pirate with them. It was several chapters long. It was along the same lines as “or be nice” by charlottemadison. But that wedding was inside. (I may have a type) if you know of any along these lines. Please let me know. I shall happily dive into them.

Not sure on the exact fic, but here are some getting together at weddings fics...

Two Weddings by Lexitennant2 (T)

Aziraphale and Crowley are invited to Anathema and Newton's wedding. Which means a minor breakdown from Crowley in front of his plants, a meddling witch, and Aziraphale is finally talked into some sense so he finally decides that Crowley is NOT going too fast for him.

The Nice and Accurate wedding of Anathema Device, Witch, which went just as expected by Nenchen (G)

Wedding planner Anathema Device is the Number One. She can organize anything for a wedding, flower arrangements, catering, a marching band or an emu. The name Device is a guarantee for a picture perfect wedding - and the perfect pictures will be taken by her top wedding photographer, and best friend, Anthony J. Crowley. Both of them see weddings mostly as business, until Anathema meets Newt, Love of her life, walking natural disaster extraordinaire, and very much not a person it’s possible to have a perfect wedding with. Which is perfect since Anathema frankly never wanted one for herself. She just wants a fun party, good food, and all of her friends to attend - including Crowley. For whom this might just as well be the apocalypse because no, he is not allowed to work on her wedding. Strictly invited only as a guest, Crowley finds himself at a loss. What the hell do you do at weddings? Well, if you are Crowley, the answer is some James Bond-like action, some worrying about fly swarms and their sources, having a lot of emotions, drinking some very funny wine, putting your foot in your mouth and just maybe meeting someone to share all of that with. Oh, and there’s always cake, isn’t there?

It's Not The Journey by cosmya (T)

It had been going so well. They’d averted the apocalypse, averted their punishments, averted further investigation or attention by their respective organizations. They were left with little to do but bask in the happy ending. Therein had been the problem. Another champagne, sir?” interrupted the flight attendant. Aziraphale’s eyes snapped open. Oh, I shouldn’t, he thought. “Yes, please,” he said. “Thank you.” Anathema and Newt are getting married, and two of their wedding guests are in a bit of an awkward place. An all-inclusive resort with unlimited alcohol is precisely what they need to re-break the ice.

The Christmas Wedding Scammer by Aracloptia (T)

“And - thank you for saying yes on such short notice! I tried to plan the thing myself, but … sometimes you actually do need help, right?” “Yeah”, Crowley mumbled, grabbing his phone to write down the name of the restaurant. “Yeah, absolutely.” “That’s what everyone kept telling me; it’s always better with a wedding planner. I guess I should have listened earlier.” “Er”, Crowley said. “Did you say-“ “Anyway, I have another call to make! I have to fire the costumer, the dress we agreed on turned out horrendous. Hey, in the future that’ll be your job! But I’ll do it just this once. See you tomorrow! And please bring suggestions for the bridal wear. Bye!” “Hold o-” The famous wedding planner Antonio Cowley is retired, sworn to never plan a wedding again. Perhaps the right sum of money can persuade him? He is not to be mixed up with out-of-business Anthony J. Crowley, former florist, currently unemployed. OR: In which Crowley accidentally becomes a wedding planner.

District of (un-)Certainty by jamgrl (M)

Aziraphale is a PhD student who needs a roommate so he can continue to afford his house in the U.S. capital of Washington D.C. Luckily, the family he tutors for on the side just happened to find him one! He doesn’t think he will like him much since he is in the states to work on Mr. Dowling’s senate campaign, so he’s probably a terrible person (even if he is good looking). Crowley is pretty independent and doesn’t really have a lot of what you would call “friends”. But he doesn’t mind his new roommate. He would much rather hang out with him than his coworkers, anyways. His roommate’s best friends Anathema and Newt aren’t too bad, either. It’s nice to have some friends. Maybe he likes it in D.C. --- They are millenials! But still British and still old fashioned- just a little twist on our favorite husbands.

Something That Happens To Other People by Caedmon (E)

Anthony J. Crowley is a hotshot political reporter who's landed himself in hot water with his editor. He finds himself demoted to the society desk, where he is assigned to cover the wedding of Anathema Device and Newton Pulsifer. He'd rather chew tin foil than lower himself in such a way, but if he's going to claw his way back to the top, he's going to have to prove himself. Aziraphale Fell is the most sought-after wedding planner in all of London, hailed as the 'angel of love' due to his knack for picking couples who have the most successful marriages. He spends his working hours making other peoples' dreams come true... but his own dreams of romance died long ago. To his mind, love is something that happens to other people. Sparks fly when these two cross paths, and they find themselves instantly attracted to one another. But can Crowley prove Aziraphale’s belief about love to be wrong?

- Mod D

[thefatmfanclub]

Hiya,

To your knowledge, has a transcript (either official or fan-transcribed) ever been released for the dialogue & spoken-word components of The Odyssey?

If so, do you know where I could obtain a copy?

The film is so affecting and the spoken word has always haunted me (as do F's songs), maybe even more so as it/I age(s).

(cannot understand how HBHBHB is 10 years next June! AAAH).

Thanks very kindly for your time,

/Kit

TRANSCRIPT

Scene 1: What Kind of Man

Man: I heard you talking in your sleep last night.

Florence: What were you doing?

Man: I was just um, I was just watching. You seemed, uh, you seemed sad.

Florence: Why didn’t you wake me up?

Man: Uh, I didn’t, I didn’t want to, uh, I didn’t want to intervene. It just seemed like you were, you were suffering somewhere else. I, I didn’t think that it was my place to, to drag you out of it, so um, I just let you be.

Florence: So you just let me suffer? So you think that people that suffer together would be more connected than people who were content?

Man: Yeah, I do.

Florence: I suppose if you’d been through something. Like if you’d been through something catastrophic. If you’d been through like, like a storm or an earthquake together or something like horrendous, you, it would bring you closer together. But what if they are creating the disaster within themselves? *Laugh*.

Man: It’s not, it’s not…yeah that’s what happens, that…

Cut-scene

Florence: And there’s this big storm that’s all around us and we’re in the middle of it so it’s calm. But I can feel it, like it’s everywhere. And things are OK now but I never know when it’s going to change.

——

Scene 2: St Jude

Stranger: why are you traveling alone, are you lost?

Cut-scene

Florence: We’re not changing, I’m not changing.

——

Scene 4: Queen of Peace

‘Body Of Water’ - part 1:

To give yourself over to another body

That’s all you want really

To be out of your own and consumed by another

To swim inside the skin of your lover

Not have to breathe

Not have to think

But you can’t live on love

And salt water’s no drink

Scene 5: Long and Lost

‘Body of Water’ - part 2:

We're dying of thirst so we feast on each other

The sea is still our violent mother

The blood round here pours down like water

Each wave a lamb lead to the slaughter

And like children that she just can’t teach

We break, and break, and break

And break ourselves upon the beach

——

Scene 6: Mother

Man: When are you leaving here?

Florence: I don’t know, maybe I’ll stay.

Man: This is just a place you know, a visit. Pass through.

Florence: Yeah I don’t know, I thought…I guess I think this is what I wanted um…and sometimes I still think that I should stay.

Man: Nobody stays here. And you can leave. You will leave here.

——

Scene 7: Delilah

Man: you think you have lost your faith but you have not. You have only misplaced your faith. And you can find it where it lies now deep in your soul. And the way to do that is through the simple process of love. Love yourself. You can’t love and forgive other people if you don’t first of all love and forgive yourself. You have to realise that people are fallible beings. They make mistakes. They have to be excused from these mistakes, and allowed to continue in their quest for a better life and for goodness. So love yourself and then love other people. Please forgive yourself. Go on a journey of finding love and forgiveness…

[rian-rain0]

“From one generation to the other.”

ᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕ

Hiccup x male reader

Male reader proposes to Hiccup by singing his parents song.

ᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕᔕ

Y/n was pacing around the room trying to calm his nerves. He decided to propose to Hiccup with his parents song but was nervous that Hiccup will get mad if he does that. He sighs and decides that it’s now or never and walks towards where Hiccup is supposed to be.

****************************** .

I silently enter the blacksmith shop where Hiccups was working on toothless’ tail. I take a few breath and start softly humming the song. Hiccup stops what he is doing and look slowly at me with shocked eyes and smiles softly. I slowly walk closer to him with begin to sing.” I’ll swim and sail on savage seas, With never a fear of drowning. And gladly ride the waves of life if you will marry me.” I sang softly before stopping in front of him with a soft nervous smile.” No scorching sun nor freezing cold will stop me on my journey. If you will promise me your heat and love me for eternity.” I put my hand on his cheek softly while looking him directly into his eyes.

” My dearest one, my darling dear.” He sang back softly.” Your mighty words astound me. But I’ve no need for mighty deeds, when I feel your arms around me.” His face lights up with a bright smile, I smile back with just as bright of a smile. We begin to dance

”But I would bring you rings of gold! I’d even sing you poetry!” I sang, going on one knee and twirling him around me.

”Oh, would you?”

I replied chuckling.” And I would keep you from all harm if you would stay beside me!” As we dance we look into each others eyes and smile brightly.” I have no use for rings of gold. I care not for your poetry. I only want your hand to hold.” He sang while leaning into me.

” I only want you near me.” I sang while twirling us around. ”To love and kiss to sweetly hold! For the dancing and the dreaming! Through all life’s sorrows and delights! I’ll keep your laugh inside me! To swim and sail the savage seas, with never a fear of drowning! I’d gladly ride the waves so white! If you will marry me!” We sang together while twirling. I pick him up by the last line and hug him tightly.

We begin laughing before I put him down.” Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, will you marry me?” I asked softly with a bright smile.” Of course I will you dork.” He replied giving me a gentle kiss.” Wohoo! Yeah!” We heard from behind us. We turn around and see the rest of the group together with Hiccups mother and Gobber.

We blush softly as Hiccups mother walks closer to us. She smiles at us and hugs us tightly.” Thank you.” She whispered softly. We smile and hug her back. . ******************************So I had a idea and I did it. Please if you are better at writing fanfic, you can rewrite this and tag me. I’m not good at this type of things so I would love to see it being done better.

[il-predestinato]

✨ NEW ✨

✨ And That's How I Foksmashed Dad's Championship Trophy ✨

↳rating: T ↳word count: 6,500 ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Sassy, Jimmy ↳summary: Sassy’s favourite human brings home a Green-Eyed Monster. She is not having it. ↳excerpt:

All of that would have been forgivable if not for the Green-Eyed Monster’s complete disregard for the pre-contracted occupation rights of Max’s lap. Such rights had long been pre-determined and belonged to Sassy (and occasionally to Jimmy, she admitted begrudgingly). However, no amount of quiet hisses and vicious glares seemed to penetrate the creature’s thick skull, and he would greedily occupy Max’s thigh for more than 95% of any given afternoon. Sometimes with his head, sometimes with his feet, and a few times he even straddled his entire body over Max; the latter could not have been comfortable for Max, as the Green-Eyed Monster was enormously overweight compared to Sassy.

(Jimmy had insisted that it was not nice to shame another living creature about their weight, but she was not wrong. With her compact size and considerably more reasonable mass, Sassy was confident that she was much more comfortable for Max to have on his lap than that horrendously oversized creature.)

- 🖋 -

this is our place, we make the rules

(series status: *complete*)

i. set my midnight sorrow free

↳rating: T ↳word count: 13,439 ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen, Pierre Gasly ↳summary: An outsider’s POV of Max and Charles and their enemies to lovers journey from their karting days to end of the 2020 season. ↳excerpt:

He doesn’t blame Max, not really.

If he could have Charles for one night, he would never let him go either.

Maybe he isn’t the one who is losing; Max is also playing a losing game.

You can’t open yourself to Charles and try to exist in his charmed life without becoming irrevocably enamoured.

When Max let Charles walk into his motorhome, when he let Charles slip into his existence, Max didn’t know it then but the battle was already lost.

ii. we don’t know how to rhyme, but damn, we try

↳rating: M ↳word count: 4,862 ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen ↳summary: Post-2019 German Grand Prix, a coda to a scene from ‘set my midnight sorrow free.’ ↳excerpt:

He pulls back reluctantly and misses the warm mouth almost immediately. Stars, he was doomed.

“I want this too,” he tells Charles.

“I don’t believe you.”

He can be so infuriating sometimes, so contrarian. Some day, he might actually make Max lose his mind.

iii. even the sun sets in paradise

↳rating: T ↳word count: 27,774 ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen ↳summary: A decade after ‘set my midnight sorrow free,’ an on-track incident changes everything. A retirement fic. ↳excerpt:

If he had to name the place where the story of Max and Charles began, if there was a moment that divided them into Before and After, there would be a few candidates.

But there was only one correct answer. He would never forget the name.

The place is called Val d’Argenton. Stories are still being written there.

Charles likes to tell the story of the incident - turn by turn, infused with poetic drama, detailing every single emotion: frustration, anger, pure spite. Every time he tells it, his smile grows along with the laughter in his eyes, even as his words recount a tale of opposing emotions.

“I never want to go back to Val d’Argenton,” Charles once confessed.

“We’ll never go back there,” he promised, and Charles knew what he meant.

- 🖋 -

One-Shots

you kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath

↳rating: M ↳word count: 3,848 ↳pairings/characters: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg, Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen ↳summary: Nico reflects on his relationship with Lewis as he watches Max and Charles over the years. Future fic. ↳excerpt:

He didn’t know it then. Nico didn’t know that he could watch two gifted young men fall in love and feel nothing but contempt in his own heart.

The part that hurts the most wasn’t losing Lewis.

It was losing himself.

the entire history of you

↳rating: T ↳word count: 4,944 ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen ↳summary: Two short stories - 1) Max hates pens and is totally not jealous, and 2) the obligatory post-2022 French Grand Prix fic that I wrote as personal therapy. ↳excerpt:

i. 

“Smile and look pretty,” Max hisses into his ear, practically dragging him along.

Charles does as he's told.

(The smiling part. The ‘look pretty’ part requires no particular action.)

“So this is my friend,” Max presses on, clapping Charles on the shoulder.

Charles emits something of a half cough, half indignant laugh. The dimpled smile is still plastered on his face. He arches an eyebrow at Max and does his best to convey his trauma: ‘My cheeks are aching. I might pull a muscle or something, and do you really want my cute little face to end up lopsided? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Now hurry up and enact your diabolical plan.’

ii.

He blinks the haziness out of his eyes as he takes in his new surroundings. Immediately, there is something strangely familiar about this place. The sun is just above the horizon, and he has to squint at the outlines of grass and asphalt in the distance.

“This is -” he inhales sharply as realization sets in.

There is an emptiness in his stomach that matches the emptiness in his chest even before he sees the large sign at the entrance: Circuit International du Val d’Argenton.

Max tugs him along by his arm. “Come on,” he chirps brightly. “I called ahead. We have the track to ourselves for a few hours.”

- 🖋 -

Misc

Spotify Wrapped Tumblr Ask Game

↳rating: G to T ↳pairings/characters: Charles Leclerc/Max Verstappen

#2. “Always Remember Us This Way” by Lady Gaga (word count: 618) 38. “Small Talk” by Katy Perry (word count: 2,093) #45. “Rude” by MAGIC! (word count: 724)

Blurbs/Snippets from WIPs

untitled (Lestappen serial killer AU): Please read warnings before proceeding! Dead Dove: Do Not Eat! Milton Keynes’ Finest (Driver!Max/Engineer!Charles AU) Once Upon a Time in Monte Carlo (Lestappen fairytale AU)

#my fic tag PrincessElectra (my author page on AO3) My AO3 bookmarks

[freakadr0id]

Rewatching Season 4 and Talking About Tang to Avoid Losing My Mind Over the Special

Welp, now that I have some free time and I'm finally back home, it's the perfect time for me to obsess over LMK again. That being said, I'm not going to talk about the Chinese release of the special as I'm waiting for the full English release (I've been spoiled on things, but I still haven't seen it).

Instead, I'm going to watch through season 4 again since it's been a while. It’s just a silly little thing I like to do during hiatus and such. Oh, and I really only talk about Tang because he doesn’t get enough love and, well, I have a brand to maintain.

So, let's start with Episode 2 - New Adventures:

~-~

Getting a bit full of yourself there, aren’t ya, glowy boy? Geez, you make an insanely strong power-up sigil that covers half the globe one time, and suddenly, you think you're all that.

...Okay, maybe his overconfidence is a little bit justified. Only a little bit, though, since the last time he was this full of himself was, well… *looks at Dumpling Destruction*

On a side note, it's interesting how Sandy says "newfound powers" since that implies a relatively short timespan between seasons 3 and 4. My guess is around 1-2 months, but I honestly don't know.

At least Tang has Pigsy to bring him down to Earth. Nice to see a bit of their salty/sassy banter back again.

I've mentioned this gif before but Idk I still love it. Mei totally goes full Ash Ketchem and just throws him out there. I asked a while back which Pokemon Tang would be and some people replied with Ninjask, a Cicada inspired Pokemon, which yeah. 10/10, A+ pick.

Oh nooooooo Tang... I love you, but noooooooo *More Dumpling Destruction Flashbacks*

Told ya. Hubris gets you nowhere.

Talk about being in the shadow of your former self, am I right?

I never turned on subtitles for this scene before so I had no idea what ink Tang Sanzang said up until this rewatch. Now that I know what he says, this line is SUPER interesting if you ask me.

This line stands out as it doesn't seem to be feeding directly into his insecurities, as is the case with every other ink creature encounter we see. Instead, it seems like a confirmation of Tang's arc throughout the season. Tang can't use his powers here because he has more to learn, both with his powers and as a character, and this is the writers deliberately saying as much. Yeah, Tang's journey isn't complete, and the audience, and perhaps, Tang himself, knows it.

Yeah, I'm cheating here since it doesn't really have Tang in it, but it doesn't matter because it's still Tang's glasses -plus this is just a darn good shot. It's so quick, but it does a great job of establishing a feeling of dread and tension in this scene. It definitely got me the first time I saw it. It's on-screen for only a second, but damn if it isn't effective.

~-~

Not a ton of Tang in this episode, but that's okay because it still does a TON of legwork in setting the foundation for his character arc this season.

To be honest, I didn't mean to mention Dumpling Destruction that much in this post but that's really what came to mind the first time I saw this episode. And honestly? I think that was completely intentional on the writers' part.

Tang was horrendously overconfident and, one could argue, arrogant in Dumpling Destruction. He was undeniably annoying at times (to put it in the kindest way possible) and even I, who absolutely adores his character, has a hard time watching Dumpling Destruction because of that. I get a similar feeling watching Tang in this episode, but that isn't a bad thing this time.

Despite my dislike of Tang's arrogance and his (often) unfounded overconfidence, I'm glad it came back in full force this episode. After season 3, I was a little worried that was all we'd get for Tang's character development. We saw almost none of his arrogance in season 3, which, along with the exploration of his insecurities, made it seem that they just wanted to ignore those character flaws tat were more prevalent in earlier episodes. It seems silly in hindsight, as it's clear that season 3 merely kickstarted his arc and wasn't a completion of it.

This episode was precisely what Tang needed for his character development. Despite expanding his character in season 3, his character flaws are still very much there at the start of season 4. He has yet to overcome his flaws and shortcomings at this point in the show, but without a reason to change, he never will. So how do you develop a character rife with overconfident and occasionally arrogant tendencies? Humble the hell out of them, of course. Unfortunately, he needed to be brought down to Earth before he could build himself back up, and that's just what the writers did in this episode.

~-~

Ha! Didn't expect a rant at the end of this, did ya? Yeah, neither did I. Sorry about that.

I'll do the rest of the season soon, especially with how Tang-heavy the next couple episodes are.

[friends-to-lovers-tournament]

Friends to Lovers Tournament: Round 1, Side A, Match 7

propaganda under the cut!

Sasuke/Mai:

THE MOST FRIENDS TO LOVERS EVER. Mai is the MC of Ikesen which is a dating sim/otome game. Originally from the 21st century, she's accidentally time travelled to the Sengoku Era where she unknowingly rescues Oda Nobunaga from his historical death thus changing the course of history forever. She reunites with a fellow 21st century dweller Sasuke whom she'd briefly met right before the accidental time travel, who is now a ninja. Though they're on opposing sides, they're friends in all the routes as Sasuke promises to protect her and bring her back to the 21st century safely. Regardless of which route you're playing, Sasuke will always be your friend and he's the same smart yet silly goofy guy, making references to 21st century events and slang and memes which have the other warlords scratching their heads in confusion. Sasuke's route is the ultimate friends-to-lovers + slow burn + mutual pining combination, as they both gradually develop feelings for each other, yet it's also kinda frustrating (in a good way) bc Sasuke is SO clueless to her feelings and his own for a good majority of the route while Mai was down horrendous for him. The pay-off in the end is really sweet (i legit cried when sasuke finally confessed to mai lol) and spicy (ikesen is uhh a bit of a mature game), which makes the achingly slow burn really worth it. Also Sasuke's just a really nice fucking guy, like real boyfriend material, no red flags, the perfect golden retriever boyfriend frfr

Fuyupoly:

Submission 1:

they're from the winter troupe of the mankai company, and unlike the other troupes they're all adults. that said, they all have varying degrees of trauma and emotional stuntedness. it takes them some time to fully open up to each other bc they're all very cautious of each other's boundaries and don't want to cross any lines which initially led to some issues in the group's formation. over time they've learned to bridge the gap while still being mindful of hard boundaries. at one point they have a discussion about what exactly their relationship is (gay) cuz they were talking about how the other troupes have clearly defined dynamics (spring=family, summer=besties, autumn=rivals & teammates) but they don't,, and homare deadass says they're "people bound by a common destiny" which in and of itself sounds very Gay (like why are you as a man bound to other men by a common destiny), but it goes even further because homare starts spouting WEDDING VOWS: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE GAME AND THE MC EVEN REMARKS "i can already hear wedding bells in the distance..." 

gradually they become closer, in individual sub-units based on who's paired up as co-leads for a play, and as a troupe overall. also two of its members are childhood friends who had a messy 'divorce' in their young adulthood and it took the game breaking its genre to introduce a timeloop for them to finally make up if that means anything to you. one of their troupe songs "precious to us ~bokura no kisetsu" has some pretty beautiful and fruity lines: "The many kindnesses born in me here / Never fail to breathe life into my chest / Even all the pain and bitterness / Have now become dear to me (Ah…Stay with me)", "No matter how many times our season passes / Let us keep living together / Holding our hands, without ever letting go / Let us open up the curtain of tomorrow", "There is no need for words, because once our gazes meet / Joy sparks a light in your eyes", "Our journey, may it be a brilliant one / As our breaths overlap as one"

a lot of their plays has a LOT of homoerotic tension between the two leads too. their first play has tsumugi and tasuku play angels, and it's heavily implied that tasuku's character has an unrequited crush on tsumugi's character. their third play has azuma play a vampire and tasuku play Just Some Guy and it's generally agreed in the fandom to be one of the gayest, if not THE gayest, play A3 has ever written. obviously the vampire thing is very fruity, but there's also how the vampire was longing to bite the human but was holding himself back, and when the vampire left the human in the end, the human was absolutely HEARTBROKEN over it and was swearing they would reunite one day. the stage play of this takes it even further by having the vampire embrace the human from behind and BITE his neck. the fourth play is a watered-down adaptation of Phantom of the Opera where they genderbend Christine into Chris among other things and change the relationship between Chris and the Phantom to one of friendship.... ostensibly so, because there's still a lot of homoerotic undertones in their interactions. i could go on but this should be enough of a sampling taste 

Submission 2:

the writers rlly said "let's take 2 normal guys who are childhood friends and have been into theatre since their school days and have them go through a pre-canon messy divorce, an eccentric poet with a potentially controversial haircut, an amnesiac sleepyhead who can only be awoken with marshmallows but is also somehow extremely athletic despite doing nothing but sleeping and eating marshmallows all day, a man who is so beautiful and mysterious he breaks gender, and a supposed android from a fictional south asian country, and throw them into a blender, oh and for good measure let's throw in some theatre and angst and gay and angst and gay" and the end result was marriage. i mean it took them a lot of awkward fumbling around and conflicts to get there but they got there and thats what matters. ok *technically* in-text they're all rlly good friends and kinda found family BUT they are found family via marriage papers i do not make the rules chief

Submission 3:

The reason why they are so friends-to-lovers to me is because their relationship is founded on quiet and unconditional acceptance of each other—regardless of how flawed they may be or how heavy their burdens and trauma may be. When the troupe first formed (sans Guy who was in another country at the time), they didn’t have any major clashing personalities at the very beginning and generally they were mindful of each other’s boundaries, unlike the other troupes that came before them. However, it’s BECAUSE they were too mindful of said boundaries that it was difficult for them to break down their walls and bond as a team—and there were a LOT of walls to break down, as all of them had varying degrees of emotional baggage and trauma.

In fact, it’s only three plays in that they finally truly start opening up to each other, with Azuma getting the ball rolling by opening up about the deep loneliness that haunted him ever since his childhood. It’s during this conversation that they also discuss what their relationship as a troupe is, because the other troupes have defined their relationship as a team (Spring is family, Summer is best friends, Autumn is rivals & teammates), and Homare goes on to declare that they’re “people bound by a common destiny” and goes on to spew wedding vows: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" I mean… it can’t get any more obvious than this, really. They are married.

But anyway, Tsumugi says he wants their relationship to be one where while they respect each other’s need for space, they’ll also be there for each other and share their pains and burdens—or in his words: “supporting each other when our burdens become too heavy to bear on our own”—which I think is really sweet because it carries this idea of quiet, unconditional acceptance; they don’t push each other to share more than they’re comfortable with sharing, but with whatever they ARE comfortable with sharing everyone carries the load and pain because pain is easier to bear when you’re not bearing it alone <3 

A later part of the story focuses on Hisoka, a mysterious amnesiac, being terrified of regaining his memories and facing some “sin” from his past that has led to another character, Chikage, trying to take revenge on him. When he confesses this to the rest of the Winter troupe, Homare asks, “How heavy is this sin you bear?” and Azuma suggests, “Perhaps it’s just heavy enough for the five of us to carry together.” (at this point Guy hasn’t joined yet). The stage play adapts this scene into a song called Key to Memory. The key (pun unintended) part is 1:27 where there’s a back-and-forth between Hisoka and the other Winter troupe members (sans Tasuku because he wasn’t in that particular play)

Hisoka: “I’m scared…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s okay.”

Hisoka: “My unforgivable sin…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “Let’s carry it together.”

Hisoka: “I might not be me anymore.”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s all right. We understand and we accept you, so let’s go together.”

And it ends with Hisoka singing: “I was afraid to open the door of my locked memories. But if everyone is here, I believe I can do it.”  In both the game and stage play, Hisoka fully regains his memories and reconciles with Chikage (long story). He tells Fuyupoly he can’t go into detail about his past with Chikage because it’s dangerous but he’ll tell them when the time is right, and they accept this saying that no matter what his past is, they know and love him as their Hisoka which obviously is a very sweet thing for friends to say, but it’s also very Marriage-coded to me.

Later, Guy is introduced as an android from Zahra (a fictional South Asian country) and joins the Winter troupe as a temporary member—because he’s stuck in Japan for the foreseeable future—until they find a permanent member to replace him. The other Winter members have a conversation among themselves and agree that regardless of whether he’s really an android or a human they’ll accept Guy for who he is and help him improve his acting, which again harkens back to the idea of ‘unconditional acceptance’. Eventually it’s revealed that Guy is in fact a human who has forgotten his memories of the past and his emotions. He recovers his memories all at once which shocks his system and causes him to pass out. When he wakes up in his room, he finds the rest of the Winter Troupe asleep around the room—which I believe is symbolic of their whole theme of “quiet acceptance”: they don’t want to push Guy to share beyond what he’s comfortable with, but they’re always there to listen to him and share his load if that’s what he wants. He opens up about the memories he recovered, and they don’t treat him with pity like he’s a lost child, but still extend gentle empathy and understanding. They also emphasise that it genuinely doesn’t matter to them whether he’s human or android because he’s Guy first and foremost. It’s at this point that Guy truly lets himself become part of the Winter troupe/Fuyupoly and not just as a temporary stand-in member, because he’s found a place where he’s found himself again and people who will accept who this “himself” is, whether that be an android devoid of emotions or a human brimming with vivid beautiful emotions.

[Mod note: There’s a LOT more but we’re afraid of crashing the post. I (Deli) summarised it the best I can since I’m familiar with A3, but if you want to read the full thing you can check it out on this google doc)

[justporo]

Hello Poro :) (Rather long message incoming, sorryyyy) First off: I'd like to say a big, heartfelt Thank You <3 Ever since adult life took over, I've fallen out of love with pretty much all of my fandoms. Work and every-day-life will do that to you, I guess. But then I decided to play BG3 as my very first game, and what can I say? I've folded for a certain Pale Elf like a lawn-chair. For the first time in almost 12 years I loved a character enough to turn to fan fiction again and your writing brings so much extra life to Astarion <3 It's a joy to read your work, the fluff, the smut and the fun headcanons you come up with. I am more of a lurker than an active user but just know someone gets all giddy when you post, so I wanted to share my appreciation :)! I got a little thought for headcanon too and wanted to ask your opinion. Okay, we know that bodily autonomy, choosing what to do with your body, is the most important thing to Astarion. So how do you think he would react if he discovered that Tav never had sex before and chose him to be their first? I mean, we can be certain Astarion seduced the occasional virgin - but it was only because he had to prey on them, right? Tav *choosing* Astarion to be the first person to give their body to, tho? Because they genuinely care for him, not only because he put in the work to seduce them? I'd like to think he would not just ignore that. What do you think?

Hey, dear wonderful Anon ❤️ Apologies I let this sit for a few days, I wanted to give this message the adequate attention!

Thank you so so much ❤️ It's been very much the same for me. I haven't been active in fandoms - or here for that matter - for like a decade and then BG3 hit me like the proverbial truck and Astarion dug his claws into my heart. And it's so so nice to know people enjoy my writing. Thank you, it makes me incredibly happy to know that my ideas and stories add to this wonderful character to you!! 🥰🥹 Mwah to you, my lurking Anon!

As to your headcanon: oh I am positive he would definitely care, always. This man isn't as cold-blooded and heartless he would like everyone to think. And I would think if Tav so deliberately chose him to be their first it would absolutely throw him for a loop. Because it will make him think about how for him it's been merely transactional at best for so long and downright horrendous at worst.

Depending on when in their journey I'd think Astarion would react very differently: at first he would probably be very deflective, possibly rejecting Tav with something unrelated because he couldn't bear to treat them like that.

Later on with lots of talking Tav assuring him that they REALLY want to do this he might accept it. And if he does I'm pretty sure he'd be very thoughtful about it: not patronising Tav but taking his time so they can get used to everything and if they're up for it slowly showing and teaching them stuff.

[vi-sigoth]

Please rant. (I may or may not have watched it, too)

Okay so if nobody wants to read this, here’s the TL;DR of how I felt about the entire series at the close of the show:

If you do, I just:

First off, I see a lot of people bash GRRM as an author, and while I think a lot of it is warranted, a lot of it I think, is unfair. GRRM, like every single other fantasy author who’s penned anything after 1970, has to live under the massive shadow of Tolkien, which is not a very easy shadow to get away from, develop a distinctive style from, or not borrow heavily from, particularly if your flavor of fantasy is high fantasy. But despite my qualms with Martin (how have the Wildlings been separated from the rest of Westeros for 6,000-8,000 years and not developed a separate language at this point? Why is the Faith of the Seven and the Faith of the Old Gods SO fucking lazily constructed? Why can’t Martin keep his numbers straight when he talks about his battles? Why did I have to read a sex scene in which a guy who is still somehow massively obese despite living in a frozen wasteland for a year and a half fucks a girl on a ship and drinks her breastmilk? Jolkien Rolkien Tolkien would have never done this to me) I still love his writing. Because Martin has always set out to explore “the human heart at war with itself” in a fantasy setting, and despite all the problems I have with him, I think he’s done a tremendous job of it.

You see, there are SO many things I could bitch about with this show, so, so many (ask me later why I hate all the blue dresses Emilia Clarke wears) But honestly? None of them really matter as much as what I view as the Main Problem of the show, and actually, a good portion of them stem from the Main Problem. What’s the Main Problem? The Main Problem is that despite George’s pussyfooting lapsed Catholic views (which is why we don’t get, in my opinion, in-universe religions that are fleshed out very well) despite his absolute weeny “war is so mean and bad :(“ Vietnam draft dodger takes, George Raymond Richard Martin is a Romantic at heart, and he loves his readers, he loves fantasy, and he loves putting his characters through horrendous, disgusting, grimy, hopeless situations, because when they come through, beaten, nearly torn to shreds—but alive, he is right there celebrating the unbreakable endurance of the human spirit with his readers. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are nihilists who hate their audience and who love shoving their faces into mud and filth for no reason other than they take a sick pleasure in the pain and disgust of the people who’s faces they’re shoving into mud and filth.

I don’t remember the exact quote or interview, or which of them said it, but one of the D&D’s said that they were first inspired to develop the Song of Ice and Fire book series into a show when they read the Red Wedding scene. This is already a horrendous start. They were salivating the thought of bringing a scene that was supposed to be so horrible, so disgusting and unspeakably repulsive and wrong that it reverberates around the world and even is witnessed by characters who aren’t emotionally involved nor even geographically near (recall that Danaerys has a vision of it in the House of the Undying long before it happens). But GRRM didn’t write that scene, nor any other awful scene to rub his reader’s face in misery and horror. Recall how the death of Eddard Stark is written. He suffers in a hallucinatory fever for days before his execution, agonizing about the wrong he’s committed in his life. His death is witnessed by his two daughters. From a Watsonian standpoint, our hearts are meant to break, just as Sansa and Arya’s hearts broke when they are made to look on the death of their father. From a Doyalistic standpoint, the death of Ned Stark was nearly inevitable, just as the death of Obi-Wan Kenobi and so many other mentors had to happen, because the death of the mentor is an integral part of the hero’s journey. Ned’s death sets his widow and all of his children upon their paths to their own inevitable triumphs and ends. Furthermore, in any comedy, that is, in any story that ends happily, the hero or heros must travel in gyre. That is, they must travel on a crooked, twisting path to reach the end. If they don’t endure trials before they end, there’s no catharsis for them. Othello travels in a straight line towards Desdemona to place his hands around her neck to strangle her, without stopping. Without thinking that maybe he might check to really see if she’s been unfaithful. As a rule, straight lines end in tragedy, twisted roads end in comedy. The point of what I’m trying to say is that: GRRM didn’t kill Ned Stark to be malicious or to purposely cause pain to his readers. He killed him because the plot needed it. But D&D? Dipfuck and Duckfucker killed Ned, and Ros, and Sandor Clegane, and Theon, and all the people they killed because they think it’s funny when people die and they revel in filth and misery and they hate when things are good. Look at the way GRRM writes Ned’s arrival in King’s Landing versus the way D&D write it. BookNed rides up, and is immediately summoned to the Small Council meeting. He tells the messenger to wait while he changes into nicer clothes, knowing that appearances are important, knowing full well that he’s walking into a den of vipers. ShowNed? He walks right into the Small Council meeting in his travel clothes, brusquely brushing off the messenger’s protestations that he change into something nicer in a thick Scottish accent. Why does he do this? Because Ned Stark is so stupid and so dumb and he doesn’t play the Game of Thrones.why does Show Ned Stark trust people like Maester Pycelle and Littlefinger? Well BookNed doesn’t trust Pycelle, and has no reason at all to distrust Littlefinger or any way to know that he’s going to be betrayed by him. But again, ShowNed is a fucking stupid, dumbfuck hick, and he doesn’t know how to blay the GAMBE of Thrones!!! Why does BookNed inform Cersei that he’s going to tell Robert about the incest, and give her a chance to leave? Because he’s one of the ONLY people who has a kind, honorable, and true heart, and he doesn’t t want to see a woman and children be killed. And again, he has NO possible way of knowing that Petyr Baelish is going to betray him. But ShowNed? Well he does this because he’s STUPID and he doesn’t know how to play the gAmE oF tHrOnEs and only STUPID people are nice,,,,IDIOT!!!!!and this is the problem. (Continued in reblogs)

[glow-up-girlie]

Girlie's Guide to Money

One thing I have always been passionate about is the importance of good financial health, and I wanted to share my tips to get better with money.

💖 Step 1: Reevaluate your relationship with money as a whole.

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

"What is money's purpose?"

"What do I want more money for?"

"How can I spend money in a way that is respectful towards myself and my time?"

If your answers for any of these involve wanting more stuff or wanting to impress yourself or others, you've got a long way to go, and that is okay.

My answer for "What is money's purpose?"

Security. The most important role money has in a person's life is its ability to bring peace of mind. The notion that you will continue to have food on the table and a roof over your head, even if your circumstances change in the future is a powerful thing for you and your family's overall health.

My answer for "What do I want more money for?"

Progress. I want to have more money so I can have the resources I need to move forward in my life. I want a house so I don't lose money on rent every month with nothing to show for it. I want to pay off my car so I have more liquid assets available to me at the end of each month to use to invest or set aside for the future.

I also want to be able to help people. Generosity is a value that is important to me and my identity as a person. If someone needs something, I want to be the one to help them, no strings attached, because that is what doing good in the world looks like to me.

My answer for "How can I spend money in a way that is respectful towards myself and my time?"

Recognizing that every dollar I have represents time that I can't get back. Taking time before each purchase to really evaluate what purpose it will serve in my life.

💖 Step 2: Reevaluate your relationship with material goods.

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

"What was the last thing I purchased?"

"Why did I purchase it?"

"What effect will it have on my life beyond the 24hr mark?

For me, the last purchase I made was a new Fitbit. I purchased it because my current one is acting wonky and the improved features will work better for the type of workouts I like to do. It will positively impact my ongoing wellness journey. I'm especially looking forward to better monitoring my stress levels and utilizing the workout readiness score feature.

If your answer was a piece of clothing, fast food/takeout, or home decor, for example, there is nothing wrong with that. Just be mindful not to consistently make short-term purchases that do not coincide with your long-term goals.

💖 Step 3: Reevaluate your relationship with your overall mental health.

You might be tempted to ask, "What does mental health have to do with saving money?" And let me tell you: everything.

The reason why I didn't put this before step 2 is that I want you to think about what kind of place you were in mentally when you bought that last thing. Were you stressed? Were you feeling self-conscious about your appearance? Were you in crisis and self-medicating?

You need to learn to seek comfort from within, stop distracting yourself all the time, and be happier with less.

If you don't have a solid foundation in regards to your mental health, you will keep spending money on little kid bandages when the situation calls for stitches.

If you drink or smoke, stop. If you got really mad at the fact that I just told you to stop, take a moment to reflect on what that means. I don't actually care if you do those things, I just wanted you to gauge that visceral reaction.

Do you have a healthy relationship with substances? Think about how much you spend on substances in a year. If you're in debt and it's impacting your mental health but you're spending at least a thousand a year on substances, it's unlikely that your relationship with them is healthy.

Someone close to me is horrendous with money, and the number one difference between them and I is this: I found comfort in silence and in doing nothing. They always have to be doing things, playing video games, watching movies, drinking, smoking weed, eating something, you name it.

The bottom line is this: When you have a mindset where you cannot be satisfied, there are no limits to what you will spend in the search for satisfaction.

If you are unhappy with yourself, please invest in better means of helping yourself. Therapy is not cheap, but it may be necessary for you. If you're looking for permission to seek help: Whatever you are suffering from that isn't "that bad yet" is bad enough. Because I said so. Get help please.

💖 Step 4: Reflect on Past Behaviors

Look through your past transactions on your credit card statements, bank statements, or through an app like Empower or Rocket Money.

Ask yourself these questions:

"How much damage did I do within the last 30 days?"

"How much of that can I reverse?"

"What steps can I take to not make the same mistakes in the future?"

You may have spent too much on clothing. If so, look in your closet. How many of those things still have tags on them? Do you still have the receipts? If so, go ahead and return them.

Look through automatic payments/subscriptions and cancel what you can as long as there's no cancellation fees. Even if you have to sign up again later a few months from now, that's a month or two you saved.

The bottom line here though is that what's done is done. Learn what you can from it.

💖 Step 5: Take Action

Adopt a 24hr mindset. Outside of bills and subscriptions, spending happens in chunks of 24hrs at a time. Every time you put off buying something for a bit or choose the cheaper alternatives, it adds up. Learn to resist instant gratification.

I will lose some of you here, but one of my biggest tips is to spend less on beauty products. Use every last drop of what you have, and buy generic/cheaper brands when you can. You will not magically turn more beautiful when you find the right $50 face cream, and it is not your duty as a person to be physically beautiful. At the end of the day, it will all wash down the drain, and you will be the same person you were.

If you look at your bank account and find that you are in good shape, do not splurge. Instead, invest. I'm not a financial advisor, so I will not go into specifics. But, look into things like making contributions to an IRA or HSA account. Buy stocks or money markets. Do something with your money to make more money down the road and you'll have even more to save later.

[chirpq]

130+ Best Retirement Wishes for Boss & Retirement Messages

Retirement Message Structure

It's a wonderful journey but now it's time for me to begin a new beginning. 📖 As I'm getting old, I have decided to step into my next adventure which is by going into retirement. 🚶 Thank you to all who helped me in my successful career. It's just exciting to be heading out and having a good time! 😎 I'm claiming retirement from the job but not from life. Exciting times ahead! 🌞 Time to exchange my work badge for a life of total rest. Complement to all of you for the lifetime tales! 🥳 Tying my nametag at the end of a day and greeting the fresh morning. Appreciate you all! 🙏

Finishing this chapter with many great friends I have made on the way. Let us go next! 🥰 Here's my coffee cup - a retirement gift and a thank you! It's been quite an event indeed! Cheers to the future! ☕️ Also Read: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Retirement Wishes for Boss: Turning off to see what is beyond the horizon. I hope it all goes well for you! 👋 As I end my professional chapter, a new beginning of exploration awaits me. 🧭

Best Retirement Wishes for Your Boss

Thank you for all the assistance I have received over the years! Enjoy this new chapter. 🥳 Wishing you a life full of fun and relaxing that is yet to come. 🏖️ We’ll miss you at the office, but we’re glad you can now enjoy a break. 😄 Enjoy your retirement trip - you have surely deserved it! 🚢 Enjoy the moment, take care and come back soon! 🥂

You paved the way for us now, whoop, have a great time in this new phase. 🎉 You were a role model to me - now spread your own. Thanks! 🙏 Also Read:160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Have a superb retirement! I know you deserve some R&R. 😎 This win suits you to have some rest time at last- time to fly that exciting reward. 👞 I hope to pass on my very best wishes to you in your upcoming stage. You'll be missed! 📚

Funny Retirement Wishes for Boss

Have fun from all our acts! Consequently, see you tomorrow! 🤪 We will no longer have to deal with those horrendous dad jokes anymore. 😋 Benefit from the most nap without eventually waking you up. 😴 A toast to you with drinks on us as a sign of an end of your duty at the office. 🥳 So, don't forget to send a postcard from your permanent vacation. 🏖️ Let us, at least for a little while, pause our endless quest into finding answers. 😅 Leave your job and spend lots of carefree days. 😎 Also Read:160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Thank you for all the memories, both good and the bad ones! 🤣

It will be a great relief to know that the business remains under control. 😇 Cheers to you in your retirement, filled only with wonderful times! 🥰

Retirement Quotes for Your Boss

"Thanks for the guidance and support over the years." 👨‍💼 "Wishing you nothing but fun and relaxation in this next chapter." 🏖️ "You will be missed around the office every day." 😢 "Enjoy your time to do whatever you want, whenever you want." 😎 "We all appreciate everything you've done for the company." 🙏 "You set the bar high, now go raise it on the golf course!" 🏌️ "It was a pleasure learning from such a great leader." 🤝 "Bon Voyage and congratulations on your retirement!" ⛵️ "You've earned your rest, so go rest up and enjoy it!" 😴 "Thanks for all the years of hard work and dedication." ⭐

Sincere Retirement Wishes for a Boss

Thank you for all your advice and leadership during this year! 👏 Savor every moment and the respite it brings. Make your passion come alive! 😊 We won't be able to enjoy your CEO experiences any more in office. 🥲 Happy retirement, health and plenty of laughs. 😄

We can't thank you enough for what you taught us! Your messages for boss will always be remembered. We are better employees as a result. 🙏 Good luck in your retirement, until next time enjoy this journey with good food. 🍷 Also Read: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes You were a role model to us every day - we hope your example always motivates us. 🔥 Lift your drink to toast - honestly, you deserve this break! 🥂 Thank you very much for your past guidance as we head towards new challenges. 💪 Hope you are having the best in your retirement which you really deserved! 🎉

Retirement Wishes and Heartfelt Messages for Your Beloved Boss

Thanks a lot for all the help and advice during these years. Enjoy this new beginning! 👴 I wish you all the best, in-joyed and peaceful retirement. You deserve it! 🍷 Congratulations on your retirement! May your retirement bring all the joy you deserve. Thanks for your leadership. 🥳 All the very best for a blissfully relaxing retirement. Thanks for everything! 🎉 I hope you enjoy your retirement. Thanks so much for making work such a joy! 😊 Congrats on retirement! Thanks for considering me for your growth. 👏 Also Read: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes I hope you will have a nice retirement. You will be missed, great boss! 🥲 Please, relish this progressive phase of life to its best. All the best 🌞 Thank you for being my mentor and the leader. Wishing you happiness! 🙏 Best of luck, and have a happy retirement! You have to put your feet off. 👞

Best Retirement Wishes

In the hope you will have a lifetime of happiness and joy in this retirement! 😊 May your day time be all enjoyed, your night time relax. Enjoy this new chapter! 😄 Congratulations on your retirement! I wish you many relaxing days and exciting trips to come. 🥳 Here's to your retirement and to spending your new 'free time' episodes to the fullest. You've earned it! 🥂 Hope you have a best retirement future. Now you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. 🎉

See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Feel the independence of your retirement life, you've worked for this moment. I wish you all the best in the future. 🙌 Give three cheers to new beginnings and every little happiness that life brings. Sending you best wishes in retirement! 🍻 It's my ardent prayer that retirement is going to be a little heavenly, which will be full of memorable moments. 💕 Congratulations on your retirement! I wish you many happy days with friends and family. 🤗

15 Short Message for A Boss Who Is Retiring

Thanks a lot for all the guidance you have given me through these years! 👨‍💼 May retirement bring lots of fun and adventure to you as well! 🍹 I am glad to have served together and let's enjoy this new beginning. 📚 I am so looking forward to you sharing with me your retirement stories! 🚴 Thanks for everything you did for me - go and enjoy yourself. 🥳 Congrats on retirement! Thank you for opening the first wave 🌅 Hoping that you will have a great retirement. You deserve it! 🎉 I look forward to you taking off now to Start on your retirement adventures. You'll rock it! 💪

Funny Retirement Messages

I'm going to skip work and instead go fishing! 🎣 No more meetings, just margaritas to celebrate your well-deserved retirement! 🍹 I quit! Ah, there it is. Doze time. 😴 I'll work out hard, then I'll relax out hard. 😎 It is time to sleep in and sleep late, every day is a weekend date! 💤 See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes No more sleepy until 9, now it's snoozing until noon! 😴

Boss of boss, nobody else but me no longer! 😎 See you later alligator, after a while crocodile! 🐊 I'm turning in my desk for a deck, it's time to relax! 🏖 No more ringing the office phone, just golf score flashes! 🏌️

Heartfelt Retirement Messages

Thanks for the memories and your lasting impact! 🥳 Cherish this new milestone in your journey. 📖 We'll definitely have your place vacant in the office. 😢 I want you to be happy in this next chapter. 😊 Well done, you deserve to rest easy. 😴 We're so proud of you! You rock! 🥂 See Also:160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Your experience will not be missed, but you will not be there! 🤗 Looking ahead to anticipate the ones to follow! 🧳 You may find it difficult to fill up for those big shoes, enjoy today though! 👞 Thank you for the years of your dedication. 🙏

Reflective Messages

Make out time for the thanksgiving of the small goodies of life 😊 Inside you there is the strength to transform the world around you 🌎 The path to happiness is not by comparing to others, but by having compassion 👍 The past was history, the future a mystery, but the present, this day, is my present. The meaning of life is to get your talent and the purpose is to use it for others. Many difficulties are helpful as they bring about great outcomes🚧

No one is going back to start a fresh beginning but anyone can start today and write their own ending as they like. Fall seven times, get up eight times (🎯) Highs are always more appreciated after whooping your spirit through the epic climb 🗻. You are what you believe in the best of situations and worse.

Encouraging Future Endeavors

You've got this! 💪  Trust yourself and your capabilities. 🙌  Let your optimism lead the way, even when you look back at the road you walked to reach this point. 👣  Every road has some rocky part but you always will find a way. 😇  Let us celebrate the small wins on the road towards the big win. 🥳  See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Surround yourself with support. 🤝  Derive examples from both what you did right and what went wrong. 🧠  Follow your creative spirit. The imagination will lead you the way. 💡  Keep your dreams alive by being determined. 🌱  The world of the future needs builders, not spectators. 🎨

Gratitude and Appreciation

What a beautiful day I am glad to be alive 🌞 Glad of having good friends who always appreciate me.🙇‍♂️ Lucky to have a loving family 😃 Alive to the beautiful aspects of my life which make me happy ☺️ The underground gives me the chance to accommodate myself 🏡 See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes I am so blessed to live in a country that is safe and free ♻️ I was lucky enough to realize how much I had what I was thankful for🙌 Blessed with the gift of another day to take no deficiency ✨ Looking forward to the future that is yet to come 🤞

Casual and Light-Hearted

Woke up feeling refreshed this morning ☕️ Time for a walk around the neighborhood 🌲 The flowers are blooming so beautifully 💐 Saw the cutest puppy at the park earlier 🐶 Going to call a friend to catch up over lunch 🥗 See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes Thinking of baking cookies for an afternoon treat 🍪 Need to stop by the store to pick up dinner supplies 🛒 Maybe I'll read my book in the hammock later this evening 🌙 Hope the weather stays nice so I can sit outside 🏡 and enjoy the things you love during retire. Can't wait to just relax when the day is done 🛌

Formal and Respectful

Thank you for your thoughtful comments on the venture. 🙏 I am grateful for the chance to talk about the possibilities of advancement, wishing you a retirement filled with happiness and relaxation, as a good boss deserves. 🤝 I kindly solicit your suggestions in order to refine the process we adopt. 👍 See Also: 160+ Happy Retirement Wishes, Messages & Best Retirement Quotes This was a great opportunity to present contemporary concepts. 😊 Your suggestions are highly appreciated and help to improve our strategy. 💪 Our goal is to make use of the best advice in the sector. 🔥 Please let me know if there is something that could be so useful to you. 🖖 I wish we could keep our successful cooperation going. ✨ It always opens my mind while being in your company. 🧠 Thank you for your courage and stewardship. 🙌

FAQs

What are the best wishes for retirement?

Here are some positive retirement wishes that focus on health, happiness, and new opportunities: I wish you happy retirement, and may every new sunrise be a new happening to bring you joy, happiness and new adventures! I trust you so much to do everything you have always wanted to and also to make fond memories with your loved ones - family that is! May you have a retire with full of good health so you can fully appreciate the next phase of life. Let this time be spent in activity, in the company of friends or family, as well remembering the specialness of the present. You are worthy to take a break and do what you wish. Congratulations on your retirement! I am hoping this time will be used for personal development, relaxation, traveling, and realizing your dreams. Thank you for all your  hard work - may your coming new phase of life be a prize/an award you can not reward for words. May these days allow you to discover new endeavors without limits. May every new day be spent in fun, fulfillment, and the freedom to live your life to the fullest, marking the beginning of your perfect retirement. Lets relish this achievement, proud and invigorated and go treat yourselves!

What is a good saying for retirement?

Here are some potential sayings for retirement: "Living the dream" stands for living this feeling which one earned in relation with leisure, relaxing, and doing whatever you want after the time for work has passed. "Embracing a new beginning" - this is the advice of seeing retirement as a chance for new experiences, growth and adventure instead of only the end of a career. "Tasting one Day" – Attention is directed towards taking each day in a good life with no string attached or time restrictions, and pursuing true mindfulness and thankfulness. "There is a Definite relief and the freedom that one gets when you're not paying for a 9-5 schedule anymore". "It's my time" - This action represents the feeling of having the power of your own schedule after many years of being dependent on others. "Adventures are awaiting" - Conveys a hopeful, positive perspective on retirement as a chance to venture out again, to explore, to travel, and to do new things they've been longing to do. "The next fascinating trip of life" - combined with this metaphor retirement is seen as a refreshing and stimulating path full of new possibilities instead of just a conclusion of the working life. "No deadlines, just dreams" is a phrase that sums up how retirement is the time when you can really take on your dreams and live the life you have always wanted.

How to support someone retiring?

As our family members are approaching the threshold of their well-deserved retirement, being by their side after such a transition can be just a bit comforting. While retirement symbolizes going free and relaxed after a long journey in the career, that phase is also a challenge and adaptation. With the right assistance, retirees can turn this new phase into the best chapter of their lives. Well, as follows, these are some of the sensitive ways to assist the individual during their retirement. Workplace departure can be difficult for the employees and your displaying that you understand and expect would be a great ‘fueling’ action. Try to be there for them as they talk to you about their worries, hopes and feelings of sadness, excitement and uncertainty as they prepare for retire. Practical help is also something that can be appreciated. Read the full article

[water1oo]

.

my handling of my social anxiety has improved tremendously throughout the years. there was a point it was so severe i could barely even talk and when i did my ears would be roaring and my eyesight would go black with spots. i used to not even be able to walk on the street without overthinking how my steps might look, it was so bad i didn't even know how to naturally walk anymore---kind of like how when you start overthinking your breathing and you forget how to because of it. i used to sit by crowded tables so that i could study conversations.....like, i was literally sitting at tables pretending to do work when really i was just studying social cues. it'd be so bad that i'd forget my own fucking name when someone would ask me to introduce myself.

today my social anxiety is flaring up again and i am trying not to cry. i had a social day that made me really happy because i have always loved talking to others, despite it all. and i handled all those conversations well, i was not anxious at all during them and was having a good time. but it's now the end of the day and i am dissecting every single exchange i had and i feel like such a freak. it's been a long time since it's been this bad, people throughout the years have called my awkwardness cute and endearing but......sometimes i just feel like a freak and it's such a horrendous thing to feel. to feel broken because why can't it be easy for me like it is for others?

and i am writing this out because i want to acknowledge for myself that i have made so much progress in the past 13 years. my teenage self could never have in her wildest dreams imagined that i could one day talk so happily and candidly with others. she'd be blown away by the fact that i can make jokes and make others laugh. she'd never believe me if i told her that i could initiate conversations and confidently offer ideas and my opinions. today i am struggling, and that's valid. but to know where this journey started brings me comfort. this hurts now, but i know if i told 14 year old me about my day today it would have given her so much hope for her future.

[wordedge]

Death

When I was nine, I watched a friend get hit by a car and die. It was a particularly gruesome death, witnessed from 10 feet away and my world changed forever. One moment before, for me, death was seeing my Grandmother lying in her casket. The next moment, Death was staring at me from my friend’s destroyed face, his mangled body lying on the hot asphalt with a pool of blood growing beneath him.

Recurring nightmares, I could hardly eat, traffic frightened me, I stopped riding my bike and my grades in school took a serious dive into negative land. I overheard my parents talking about me and they were concerned. In 1963 child counselors were few and far between but they found one that agreed to take me. He was a good man but when I look back, it seems he was struggling to reach a 9 year old with a fear of death and a too-young sense of mortality.

He prescribed some pills that blanketed my brain in a hazy/fuzzy fog. Not sure but I think they were zombie pills. I stopped taking them after three days. I would just flush them so my parents would think I was still taking them. I slowly emerged from the gray realm of shock and despair, only to discover that I was living in a tunnel. It was as if I was standing inside a culvert, 10 feet from the opening. So, I adjusted to it and went on with being a nine year old.

I lived inside that tunnel for decades, never knowing the impact it had on my life. I was kicked out of the Marines because they said, “You are not suited to military life.” I fought; I would steal the OD’s jeep at 2 in the morning and go joy-riding and just became a general screw-up that didn’t care what the punishment was. If it wasn't Death, I wasn't afraid of it. That’s when I started to ‘Court Death’.

 I bought a motorcycle and rode it like a wild man, started going into biker bars and starting fights, harassing cops while on my bike and then outrunning them and I dabbled in hard drugs. Anything to bring the grinning skull of Death close to me and flip it the bird. I've been shot three different times, stabbed in the gut and beaten so badly I still ache from it sometimes. I hit a bridge abutment at 80 miles an hour, in a car full of friends; we were drunk as Lords and I was the only survivor because I was in the passenger seat with my seatbelt on.

I have been in several high speed motorcycle wrecks, numerous horrendous car crashes, terrible job-site accidents that some didn't survive and I have stared down the barrel of several firearms… a few that I was holding. Every time I faced Death, it would stare at me from those empty black hollows and grin, and would whisper “Not yet.” So I upped the ante and started shooting heroin and meth. After five years, I had OD’d twice and never went to the hospital. I would just wake up with the needle dangling from my arm, faint laughter echoing in my mind.

At a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I told my sponsor the ‘life-story’ and he thought for a moment, then wrote down a number on his business card. All he said was “If you want to get better, call this number… tomorrow.” It was the number of his psychologist and it was the start of my long journey out of the tunnel. PTSD, she said. Not an easy fix, she said. Well that was quite the understatement and no, I’m not ‘fixed’. I’m better than I was and that’s a good place to be.

I’m 60 now, the dreams of Death still come by like some unwanted visitor and I know the feeling of mortality much more intimately. Friends have died by their own hand, from bad choices and accidents. All of my birth family and adopted family have died; co-workers have been killed on the job and by other various methods.  

 I still ride a motorcycle; I retreat into the tunnel occasionally when Life has overwhelmed me, my anger has receded to a manageable level, I kicked hard drugs in ’89 and I now find myself surrounded with reminders of Death. I have an animal skull collection, a (legal) human skull and numerous glass and ceramic skulls. I wear 5 different skull rings, many of my shirts have skulls and even my PJ pants have small skulls on them.

“What, you got a death wish or something, with all these skulls floating around?” a friend asked me once. I just smiled and thought about the question for a moment.

“No, my friend, I don’t. I neither seek out, nor fear Death. I have stared square into its eyes and laughed. I have felt its hand upon my shoulder and felt its breath on my neck. When I die, I will greet it as an old friend. Death is just another path, one we all must take.” I lifted my beer and said “To Life!”