littleletterstoelijah

[littleletterstoelijah]

My hope is that when you look back at the mosaic of your life, the piece I left bloomed into a beautiful flower, bringing good cheer and memories instead of pain.

[littleletterstoelijah]

It's these melancholic nights that drive me to write letters to you, even if you've moved on, even if it's not God's will. I'm simply writing to let it out.

I guess in many ways you have tamed me. I wouldn't say it's the healthiest love but it had plenty of potential. I guess it's the demise of that potential that saddens me the most. Even if I no longer have tamed you, a part of me is thankful to have met you, even if it was only a moment in time. A moment in time that can never be brought back because God did not intend the longing in the first place.

He did not want me to go back to my Egypt. In many ways, you are. Neither does a part of me want to go back. Perhaps a part of me just wants to dream of possibilities again. With God, that's what I'll do.

[littleletterstoelijah]

It's been a while.

I don't even know what's going on with you anymore or what you're doing but I hope you're okay.

Happy would-have-been anniversary! Sad we couldn't make it.

[littleletterstoelijah]

It's nights like these when I'm most conscious about your absence that I really miss you. I just miss the good times - when I could talk to you about everything, when I felt safe, when it felt like God was on our side, when it seemed like we were working towards a future and things weren't working out.

I'm glad you're doing well but I'm also sad to see you're doing well without me.

That said, I'm glad God is answering my prayers. I'm just feeling sad I couldn't be there. I can't talk to you. I can't hold you. Ever.

[littleletterstoelijah]

It's nights like these when I'm most conscious about your absence that I really miss you. I just miss the good times - when I could talk to you about everything, when I felt safe, when it felt like God was on our side, when it seemed like we were working towards a future and things weren't working out.

I'm glad you're doing well but I'm also sad to see you're doing well without me.

That said, I'm glad God is answering my prayers. I'm just feeling sad I couldn't be there. I can't talk to you. I can't hold you. Ever.

[littleletterstoelijah]

I'll try to not dwell too much on these feelings but I just want to let them out.

I feel guilty that I'm moving on into the direction that God has laid out for me but I know that it's the best for the both of us.

I know it's hard for you to be with me knowing this is not the lifestyle that you wanted for yourself. In your distress, I feel like I hated myself underneath for being the way I am. I questioned every way that I did things, marking them wrong because you couldn't understand. Therapy has been showing me that it's just me being me. It’s been so hard to consolidate everything because in choosing to push through with the breakup, I'm choosing myself.

If it were only me, I'd want you to be here. But you don't want to be here. I feel mad that you don't care about how your words affect other people around you, how you don't care about your own salvation, and would much rather just be in the world. I hate it. I honestly do. I endured anxiety every week just to think the best of you. I endured the emotional manipulations because of what I saw in the beginning. I'm not even sure what to think of you now - was it all false just to get in or were you stressed? I'd like to think it was stress. Maybe thinking there's a good person in there will bring me peace.

I felt neglected in the relationship, worrying that you won't be there for me in my emotional need, and I was disappointed to know I was right. You wanted me to be open but was never patient enough to wait for me to warm up. There was always a standard to meet and I couldn't get there. I don't blame you. You just have needs, too. That said, I knew my emotional needs, which is one of my greatest needs, were not gonna get met. Maybe if I lash out they will, but I don't want things to get to that point.

I don't like that you're so argumentative. You always expect some fight, some drama, for me to be mean. I hate that. I wanted to go the other way. This is not someone who I want to share the rest of my life with - always provoking me to be the worst part of me.

And you asking me to overthink about you??? It made me feel that you have absolutely no care about my well-being at all. You'd want me to be anxious if it means I'd be ruminating about you all the time. I really did end up ruminating about you, but not in a good way. Then you'd complain that I only think about you in a negative light.

I never know what you want. I didn’t want to stress you out with boundaries ahead of time because that's what you told me so I held it until I needed to. I ended up being too physically intimate than I intended. I couldn't even back out anymore even when I realised it's not working how I wanted it too. You were still upset. Either way, you're upset. Bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo, ang gulo mong tao. You can't be satisfied. I compromised so much already, and at that point, I knew that I would continue to compromise and you still would have something to complain about. I had my mistakes but so did you. I guess a part of me feels angry that God seems to take your side in the breakup by pointing out my flaws but God is a good God. He is a loving one too. He loves you more than I do.

So even if the prospect of meeting you again makes me feel fearful that I'd be treated the same way, pushed to compromise my values and needs, carrying the emotional and spiritual weight of the relationship, I forgive you. For all your shortcomings as God forgives me for mine. I pray for a clean slate where you no longer make me feel anxious. I just want peace.

[littleletterstoelijah]

I guess this is how we know if we really love each other or not with a love that will stand the test of time in waiting and patience

[littleletterstoelijah]

Have a piece of my heart

Have it until you've been healed

[littleletterstoelijah]

One day, hopefully, we'll look back and regard each other positively.

[littleletterstoelijah]

Have a piece of my heart

Have it until you've been healed

[littleletterstoelijah]

It's okay that we broke up. Or else, we would have been unhappy being ourselves and resenting each other for the longest time. You probably still resent me anyways so I guess I can't escape that fate.

[littleletterstoelijah]

I just want you in the best place but I don't know how to do that for you.

[littleletterstoelijah]

Sometimes, I wonder if things would have been better had I just asked for help along the way, you know? That way, even if I felt overwhelmed, I would have an outlet. My head would feel clearer. The problems wouldn't need to snowball.

I just got off of a texter telling me about her worries for the night. She's in a long distance with her boyfriend, and immediately I remember you. At least our texts and convos aren't as dry. I guess I'm just the weak one, really. God knows that, too.

Maybe if I had sought wise counsel even just for myself, not just Temi but Kuya Eredee and Jade as well just so I have different perspectives, then maybe I would feel so bogged down by everything. But I felt paralyzed, and now you're gone.

I don't even wanna disturb you. You seem to be moving on with life. I don't wanna disturb that. I have a specific outcome I want in my heart, and I can't let go of that fact because I know that it's right in the eyes of God. I know it. It's etched in His word. That said, I also know that it would torment you to be constantly reminded of that. It would take a lot of faith for me to bring you here to this side, and I simply don't have the faith at the time to do that. I was too confident that I did. I thought too highly of myself. I also didn't trust myself enough that I could stay pure and keep you. I didn’t trust the circumstances, knowing cheating is always a possible option for you.

It just breaks my heart knowing we're in this situation. I wish I could check up on you without the fear of bringing more pain in your life than I already did. I want to know you're okay, but I also don't want to because that means life is better without me. I normally don't wanna leave a footprint, but I have the desire to have that in your heart. It hurts to feel forgettable. I wanted us to work out in God's way. I wish for God to have a space for us in His plan, but I don't really know and it was bold of me to assume. There might have been but I feel like I gave up. I'm sorry for giving up on us. I'm sorry for being so weak. I really am. I'm trying to change that.

Now, I can only turn regrets into lessons. Into directions for change. I still pray for a second chance according to God's will. His will be done in our lives. I just know that He has given me the promise that He'll take care of you and He'll meet you and I am so thankful for that promise, that the Jesus I know and love chases after His lost sheep to bring it to the join the flock. If God wills it, I'll meet you again when you join the flock. And if God wills it, we can be together again. I'll wait for His open door for us.

[littleletterstoelijah]

Maybe healing from this breakup means keeping the best parts of you and us in my life, recreating them so I can say that I still have your presence here even if I no longer have your heart.

[littleletterstoelijah]

I do regret being so self-righteous and proud when you reached out. I'm sorry.

[littleletterstoelijah]

I hate that I lost you to this world

[littleletterstoelijah]

I guess this is a new thing, learning how to get used to not having the title I used to