#I want to be loved but maybe Im incapable
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i want jamiazu + idikei to go on a double date so badly i think the vibes would be So Very Turbulent
#twisted wonderland#twst#jamiazu#idikei#idicay#cereal tries to draw#i love any fanart of board game club and their bitch ass crushes jdslhffkjg teeheehee#cater and jamil can get along fine but board game club is incapable of behaving#they have to drop everything to bully the shit out of each other given the chance!!!#jamil does this with azul also. tbh i think it would be a war immediately and caters like HaHa Oh My GOd. ??!!?#cater actually it's hard to say bc sometimes hes like HUH!!!! CHILL OUT!! but other times hes a shady little freak of a guy and enables#things so like whose to say. maybe if hes in a silly mood he would join idia and jamil and it would be 3v1 rip azul it was nice knowing u#the rng of if they get peacekeeping caycay or mischievous caycay#it feels like it has been a While since ive really sat and drawn them...#i have had a lot going on <///3 and then all draw time is spent on art fight rn but. small break For Them#do u even understand me. do u see my vision. i want to put all four of them in an escape room#bundle them together and observe them under a microscope#god i just LOVE how any time someone in twst talks about another character it's always either like#yes this is a good respectable classmate of mine who i admire. or I HATE THAT BITCH HE FUCKING SUCKS ASS ACTUALLY!!!!#and then the haters are like best friends who hang out always jfdksljflkshg#but theyd rather DIE than ADMIT IT!!!#bitch boys who only respect each other when they dont know each other too well ig fjldksfh#board game club being god tier haters nonstop of each other is so fucking funny im literally obsessed with whatever they have going on#anyway!!! I WANT THEM TO HANG OUT MORE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Missing Goro hours
#the sims 4#ts4#sims 4#IT HAS BEEN SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS TO GET MY GAME TO WORK SINCE THE UPDATE#and it still ain't where it needs to be#annoyingggg im annoyed i gotta fix too many things smh#but i miss big goro so much i miss creating#i think i want to make a whole story for him#me playing him as a baby till adulthood is a part of that LOL i wanna create something with him!#idk what yet.. maybe a truly terrible person thats incapable of loving LOLL#like he's awful and he stays awful and will only ever be awful#sounds like fun
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who has any ideas for something really interesting and funny i could do on here that would get lots of people to interact with me online
#but only for the next like two hours. then everyone should go away again#box opener#unfortunately in the last week i've become so tired and bored that i'm now incapable of saying or doing anything interesting#or indeed anything.#actually if some other people want to get in a really extensive fight in a medium-sized discord server im in that would be ideal#i won't be involved but id love to watch silently without contributing#maybe everyone could get in a fight about fanfiction reaction thread etiquette. or lamps or something#that would be really nice for me if youd do that.
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this is how i've been feeling about my hyperfixation lately
#im so sorry i cant shut up but also deal with it i cant stop#i am physically incapable of shutting up#maybe if i wasnt literally trapped at home all the time and repeatedly ending up in shitty one sided relationships i wouldnt be this way#sorry guys but the malware stuff is also a cope#cant go out#got sick last time i had fun#mental health is shit#no income#guys i try to date literally just ignoring me till i try to talk to them#im tired#i just want to be loved so im projecting
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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read more for cringe
clutching the sink staring at the mirror i won’t be alone forever it’s just pms i won’t be alone forever it’s just pms i won’t be alone forever it’s j
#something something knowing about The Hormones doesn’t stop The Horomones from affecting brain chemistry. whatever. kicks a rock#and like. i could just talk to people. i have opportunities. but. AUUUUUUUUGH ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#girls when they ghost all their relationships bc theyre terrified of being weird and fucking it up but desperately want human connection#delete later#maybe i’ll just never be in love again or have a best friend again because im incapable of reaching out like an adult. haha. yay 👍
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well i think its finally time to open this box
#sorry gang apparently i am incapable of sticking to my word and am continuing to have a personality on main and subject you all#to all of my bullshit#i am doing my best but i am a weak bitch who does not know how to process feelings#so its a fucking miracle im opening this box tbh. ive wavered a lot around this one#this round of thinking is being brought on by the probable imminent break up between me + my gf 🙃👍#its been on the cards for a hot minute i mean. she hasnt sent me a message since the 8th of march until today and its like a.#we need to talk message so. like im not surprised. ans ive been thinking about it all a lot recently#i dont really want to realise im aro while im with someone so ive been avoiding it but like. ive been thinking. and ive been thinking if we#shouod break up too anyway because like. i get i am so hard to be around. but nothing. for a month. even a silly picture. it hurts dude#but i kinda didn't want to push because. i know i am. me. and a lot. and i know shes got stuff on her plate. but so do i#maybe we're both no good#to be around#nyxtalks#this is very not helpful in my whole. everyone i love leaves me eventually so i should isolate myself and push them all away thing i guess#but i dont think. i want to cling. i dont wanna be that pathetic.#she can do better than me (i cant do better than her)#i mean. idk ive been questioning if im aro anyway so. idk#i dont fucking know#honestly this is gonna be so cringe if this isnt what she wanted to talk about but like. what else could it possibly be i guess#dude i am so sorry if you read this this turned into relationship vent rather than my feelings around aromanticism#those are.complicated enough for their own post and i probably need to talk to some actual aromantic people about that
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i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here
#i am sorry#truly genuinely#ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your#needs in the way you want#but i think it was#yesterday#this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me#like what am i even doing#how could i have done that#you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive#episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step#of the way.#but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for#liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable#and we were something na. we were everything except the label#i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again#but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time#we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was.#but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata#i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to#not lose you forever#now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you#i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between#which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt#again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost#i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand#love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and#none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it#you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did#but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future
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all i want for christmas is to matter and to be worth something to anyone and not be so fuckin useless and worthless. to not be so fucking alone and have to watch other people being people and being loved and mattering and cared for while i barely fucking register
#’we’re all in this together’#i’m fuckin not#i’m watching from the sidelines as everyone else is liked and loved and contributes and is fucking acknowledged#i am missing something. i am not fucking right and i hate being like this but i don’t know what to do#but nobody fucking cares#i’m not funny or creative or gregarious enough to matter to anyone#i have nothing to offer anyone but i just want someone to see something in me that i can’t#i’m incapable of making friends irl and online#and it’s supposed to be fucking easier online but it’s not so what the fuck#what is my damage#im 32 and i have absolutely nothing to show for anything#and i’m never going to. am i?#happy fucking holidays everyone#maybe if i do end up on a bridge i can have an ‘it’s a wonderful life’ moment#maybe an angel can pretend to give a shit so he can get his stupid wings#negativity#real depression hours#to the void with love
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i literally cant stop thinking about these two parts from alhaitham and kavehs story lore bio things. like i know people have talked about them to death and it's old news by now but i only just cleared the sumeru story + alhaitham and kavehs story quests/hangouts like a month ago so i have them on the brain lol!!!
alhaitham did not socialize much at all in the akademiya and did not do any group research projects except for ONE!!!! he got involved enough with kaveh that he was willing to go against his normal keeping to himself way of doing things and join a project with him - that, or maybe he found that particular research topic interesting enough to do for once, which is something he and kaveh still shared together..............
and my godddd alhaitham throwing a harsh truth at kaveh, and kaveh being hurt by his BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST FRIENDS!!!!!!but so hurt/defensive to the point that he got worked up and told alhaitham he regretted making friends with him ;;;A;;; and alhaitham, who we have seen SEVERAL TIMES genuinely does NOT care what people think about him - something they show us a lot in i think both the sumeru story and his character quest - he left the project!!! he took his name off!!!! it's not kaveh who left, not a "well if you feel that way you can leave" but HE left!!!! like i dont know, maybe there's semantics of kaveh being the one that started it, or maybe i'm totally reading it wrong and it's alhaitham removing kavehs name lol but i feel like theyd specify if that's the case - either way. alhaitham taking action at all.......... a really bad argument......... boys who hurt each others feelings kfjskljsekljflk ;w;
that last sentence also makes me think they were like "i can fix him -> i cant fix him actually this guys fucked up beyond repair 😔"
but also this bit from kavehs notebook!!!!!!!!!!! about alhaitham!!!! he meets him, he likes him, "our views are aligned and they are complete" BUT CROSSED OUT!! they agreed at some point?? but then. i guess he didnt cross it out when they had the falling out but rather when he got to know alhaitham more and changed it with that second line... we contrast, but that is good. and the comment that it specifically was a retained line, like he didnt go back and block it out or anything after....... perhaps still holding that in his heart 😔
and the thesis. waughghhghg. ok im done talking to myself i think i have like maybe 3 mutuals/follower people that are even somewhat interested in genshin but SORRY i am in the deep end
#IM CHUGGING THRU FONTAINE STORY RN I NEED MORE PRIMOS FOR LYNEYYYYYYYYYY WAUGGHGHHGHH#genshin impact#haikaveh#ii think about them forever. i got both of them when they first dropped adn i LOVE THEM#excited to hear they will be in cynos second quest#I HAVENT DONE HIS FIRST IVE BEEN SLACKING ON THE CHARACTER QUESTS#ok. god. does anyone want 2 talk genshin with me. fight bosses or domains maybe LOL#everyone i know is on like a genshin break#and im like OKAY THATS NICE IM INCAPABLE OF PLAYING ANYTHING ELSE RN#i did find out one of my coworkes likes genshin and we bonded so fast over it and haikaveh especially LOL#peace and love on planet video game. ok bye
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dropping thoughts like laundry into the aromanticism washing machine and watching them spin. taking little notes in a fancy journal titled "greyro??" and crossing them out, but then going back and scribbling an addendum. holding up an extravagant glass beaker full of a cool bubbling potion and peering at it through safety glasses that say "mind the amatonormativity!"
#i think there are two layers of questioning to deal with#the first layer is easier to see and that's the trauma-related layer#the second layer has been going stealth for years and is more intrinsic#the second layer *could* have been a contributing factor toward the first#so anyway the question is. as i work through the trauma and have the support of a therapist to deal with the first layer#does the second layer become an issue. or is there only the first and it's just worked itself deep enough that it now feels intrinsic#the thing is i do get crushes and i do yearn and i can't remember a time when i didn't crave the idea of a relationship#so that should be that right? not aro. at least not intrinsically.#but why did i always end up losing interest in the relationship once i had it#was it really just because i wasn't dating people i actively chose#honestly maybe. there *was* B. i don't know how much longer that might've continued if logistics hadn't put an end to it#and M....... M is a tricky one. because even though i left that relationship by my own choice. i kind of had to in order to not want to die#the thruple vibes with K were just so utterly rancid and M was just so incapable of doing anything to make it better#so yeah. maybe that one could've continued indefinitely IF two to three of the people involved had been#a leeeeetle more mature and well adjusted. maybe. but desire for a relationship was not the issue.#so okay. maybe im NOT aro. maybe i just have shitty taste in men. you know? that's a distinct possibility.#okay. so now on the other hand. let's look at how happy and enlightened I've felt since starting to *use* the aro label#cuz it actually is fantastic. the freedom to just feel love and affection for anyone I'm close to and not have to worry about#it being taken in a way i don't intend. that's great i love that#and not feeling any pressure to find The One? rocks. good shit. i can just let whatever relationships be what they're gonna be#and not have to fret over assigning a label and structures and expectations. hot shit.#(honestly it's helping me understand where M was coming from in a way that would've been. you know. pretty useful six years ago.)#i don't wanna lock myself in a relationship with friend E but it's great hanging out with her on a regular basis#cuz that's the amount of affection i feel for her. enough to chill and watch Owl House. not enough to be in each others' space all the time#(god idk if I'll ever want to be around anyone all the time ever again. that is a LOT for my limited batteries)#idk how physical affection fits into this yet. that area is still under development#but like. if my friends were cool with it and i knew they wouldn't take it too seriously then YES i would probably kiss almost any of them#and i THINK that's true and not me telling myself something i think I'm supposed to believe? i THINK.#'s always the possibility that i just very badly want to be kissed and my brain is looking to make that happen in a way that isn't scary#ah shit that’s 30 tags. i’ve done it again.
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oh i WILL be thinking about martyrs (2008) for the next 5-7 business days
#i cant reccomend enough but also be warned... its kinda brutal#im almost mad at how predictable i am also because lucie came onscreen and started doing That and i was like oh ok#i fucking love. characters. especially if theyre. like that. get fucked up girl!!!#god like. yeah. absolutely devastating but its making my brain go#i didnt feel like the violence was voyeristic?? even tho it was A Lot and directed mainly at the two women. ya know#that would be easy to make that movie and just have it be oooooh we love to torture women for fun#but it doesnt feel like that. it also helps that the first 30 minutes or so are lucie. doing that#so its not ALL directed at the two main characters. im trying so hard to not spoil it rn can u tell#and i will analyze everything but also. lucie. i love her. shes extremely fucked and i want to see more of it#it makes me sad but you know what else it does? makes me go GIRL. GIRL STOP. GIRL I DONT THINK ITS MOVING ANYMORE#lmao. im incapable of not making jokes but GOD. movee#the harder it is to find a movie with english subtitles the better the movie is. i have found#granted im also stupid so maybe ik just bad at finding things. this concludes my tedtalk
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I need to MOVE so BADLY ashland is BAD and I HATE WISCONSIN
#max wants to move to amsterdam or colorado. i dont really care but i feel like my only option is to go back to school or something .#and it is so stressful. i hate it i hate it i hate it the future is so horrifying and i really dont know what im supposed to do!!#i dont know how different it would be if id stayed in school and maybe itd be better !! i dknt know#it feels impossible though bc i cant drive and i have no skills and no higher education and it feels like i am incapable of these things.#i love learning but i am so bad at school and ibwant to study what i love but i am so bad at academia and i want a job in these fields but#instead i am stupid. and unskilled. and annoying and need more help than i realized and cant do anything on my own#i feel myself deteriorating but i cant do anything to change it it seems. i know i can but also i feel like its so inevitable#and also i think equine stuff is just behind me now. i get really upset when i think about this but i think it is true#staying in school was probably the only way to guarantee it and now i fucked it up and dont even know if i have the ability to ride anymore#even working at a barn again might not be viable and it is all so painful and upsetting#plus one of my few friends here told me like actually yesterday that she had moved to chicago :(
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My best friend had a baby and people keep asking if it'll be me next and I have to stop myself from sobbing every time, I tell people I don't want kids but that's not quite true, I've just come to terms with the fact I can't have kids. But now everyone is pushing the matter and it's starting to get to me
#csa/rape talk in the next tags#oh and a mention of a miscarriage#you've been warned#i was raped so often as a young child i am physically incapable of carrying a baby to term#ive had two miscarriages. the last was a late stage at 16 weeks and it was then they discovered im full of scar tissue#so much the chance of a placenta detaching is like?? 90%???#no history of endo so they asked about csa stuff and yeah#and really i want a kid so badly. not now but in a few years thats something id love to happen#and it wont happen#and im so very triggered by the amount of people who keep asking me#i love my niece very muchly shes so beautiful and shes almost as good as my own#but i wont ever have my own and it hurts#it hurts so bad#and people keep asking and i keep going “haha no not my thing. i only like them if i can give them back”#but the truth is i dont wanna have to give them back i want a baby!!! so!!!!!! badly!!!!!!!!!!!#even people who know have made light hearted jokes about it and i just wanna scream#maybe i should start saying “oh id love to. if someone can invent a time machine so i can go back to 2001 and tell my uncle to be gentle#whilst he fucks me then ill be able to“#idk im angry sorry
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Love how I can ruin something so easily
#actually id say love how depression can do so but i dont have to behave irritably just bc my brain feels unmoored and unhappy for no good#reason. i dont have to make it everyone elses problem#i wasnt trying to! but i cant communicate hey i feel like x and thats making me feel y and i dont know what to do about it#i just.. why dont they ask 'Why?' when i get like that. i want them to notice that I'm acting uncharacteristically and say something so that#i can go oh yeah thats dumb and idk why sorry yeah#but theyre reacting like its not obvious when i pointed out that this happens and that i want them to ask me 'why'#yeah is it fair to expect that if them? no. but idk what else to do abt it bc i am incapable of makingany other decision#im ANGRY#I'm disappointed i didnt get to be here for the yard sale and help them#I'm frustrated i had to be at work even though i was superfluous there today#I'm disappointed and frustrated that they dont want to try a yard sale again another week#like maybe a warmer and nicer weekend and puttinf more signs up will result in more traffic to the yard sale!#theyre giving up on it and i wanted to do a yard sale and didnt get to bc i had to be at work instead and now i wont gwt to again bc they#dont want to plan another yard sale bc theyre exhausted by it#i missed out and i wanted to do a yard sale so bad and didnt get to be here for it!#I'm frustrated that qe wont do another yard sale#and I'm unhappy that they didnf trust that i could clean up and brinf stuff inside at least like theyre tired so why are they doinf the work#let me help! i want to feel like i helped! I'm useless i dont do anything! but i was fold i cant do it on my own and wouldnt know where they#wanred to put stuff#like yeah i cant move the tables on my own into the shed. fine. but the boxes of stuff??? she could have come and directed me instead!#so like. fine i wont help. and then i got up and came to fuckinf help anyway even tjo apparently i wouldnt have done it right on my own#and shes like that attitude wasn't helpful like neither was what you said!#i know I'm not smart or helpful and just an annoying tag-alonf overgrown child but i wanted to do something#if it was my oldest sister insisting she could do it they wouldnt have protested!#whatever I'm stupid and reactive and i could have said like that makes me feel like u think i cant help and that feels shitty#whatever#I'm just. i hate existing its too frustrating and complicated and i havw no choice in the matter and i want to just curl up in bed and do#nothing and go nowhere and not talk to anyone and not do my medication bc i wont have insurance if i dont go to work bc i wont have the job#which means i can never do that bc unfortunately the result of not taking my medication scares me more than i hate having to be a person#i hate being a person but being sick is infinitely worse so
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