#I want this on my desk immediately
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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i kind of knew in theory that all my hobbies involved my hands but i kind of just ignored it n was like oh well im sure id manage
top ten pics taken seconds before disaster
#tldr a lot of drawing + my dorm desk is Really Bad for my wrists and i didnāt realize has kind of fucked me up bad#i donāt do basically anything all week until it stops hurting and i draw a tiny bit and it goes back to hurting#i have literally nothing to do w myself bc brain doesnāt want to do anything but draw write or game and i Canāt Do Those Things#and even when my wrist stops hurting i have to basically exchange any time iāve earned to do my classwork#leaving no time for myself and my own work unless i say fuck it and gamble more strain#i donāt want to say itās depressing me bc it feels. pathetic? but as someone who Has to get ideas out lest they start rotting him#itāsā¦ not great#on top of some irl frustrations itās made for a kind of glum few weeks#oh well. back to laying on my side watching youtube i guess#sparks speaks#vent#? yeah i guess#āiām not depressedā says the guy who wakes up feels his hand twinge and immediately almost starts crying#like. lame ass behavior but itās not like itās a choice#i just wish it didnāt make me so mean. iāve started avoiding ppl cause iāve been getting mad rlly easily#which is not helpinggggg
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slightly late for work, vivdly remember i put my adhd meds in A Special Place last night so i Don't Forget to take them before work (usually work from home but leaving the house today) (higher stakes) but now i can't find them (should have seen this coming) but that's okay that's cool i have a bottle of backup meds in one of my bags (i know myself) except i can't find it in any of my bags but not to worry! i have a second bottle of backup backup meds in a cabinet for dire situations like this (i know myself) but ah. by talos this can't be happening
#& i was already late because i got up realized i dont have time to wash my hair but wanted to take a quick shower#stepped into the shower & immediately started to wash my hair#like man. who has my one braincell rn & when do i get it back#cant make this up#eventually found the first bottle of backup meds#they need to invent adhd meds that follow you around#i really wonder where the other two bottles are#i'm glad i had to search for them though because the three Important Things i need for work are 1) meds 2) work laptop 3) headphones and i#also had a moment last night of 'OH almost forgot i will need headphones man it would have sucked if i hadn't remembered'#so this morning headphones were checked off in my brain because i Remembered i will need them so i surely packed them right#except i found them on my desk charging when i was searching for my meds because apparently i also thought 'oh do i need to charge them'#& did that instead. aaaaaaahhhhhhh
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2025 is the year I upgrade my battle station (desk setup)
#using this term very loosely cause Iām a laptop user LOL#I just want a nice neat desk with nice things#I need one of those nice headphone standsā¦#and this paw cushion for desk chairs that ann showed me#open to suggestions for other things people use on their desksā¦#my mouse is so fucked rn too I need a new one immediately
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All I want in 2025 is to be able to move out
#partly for peace of mind#partly for self actualization#partly to not have to commute so far#but primarily so that I can have a space I can arrange however I want#to have an actual room to use as a sewing studio and not have it be the desk in my bedroom#itās so hard to save up money on my current salary because 2/3 of it immediately goes to loan payments and bills#but Iām gonna do it somehow#all I want is a clean manufactured home in a trailer park within 30 minutes of the museum#manifesting#but also strategizing#sewing and experimental archaeology are what bring me the most joy#and that is what I want to build my future for#that is what I want to be doing#researching and making and doing things#and if I can get a place of my own thatāll be a big step towards that goal#especially because investing in a trailer home will make me feel more secure than renting#if most of my money is going to a monthly payment Iād rather it be for something I will actually own at some point#itās just saving up for the down payment thatās card#but a trailer home will cost me about as much as my degree did and Iāve almost paid off those private loans#so I know that it is an achievable goal in the not too distant future#my private student loans are almost paid off then Iāll work on paying down my credit card balances#and my car payment is just background noise because when Iām driving 500 miles a week for work Iām glad I invested in a newer car#the car payment Iāve accepted will just be there for a couple more years#but the private student loans and credit cards I think I can take care of this year#and then Iāll be able to put more away each month#I think Iāve got 2 years max before I actually go insane if I canāt move out#though Lizzie Borden was 32 so that gives me 6 more years before reaching the point of homicide as a coping mechanism#a very normal and healthy thought to have
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he he got eated :(
#Iāve had this cat bed for over 4 years.#no one ever uses it#I was convinced I had to keep it because one day theyād use it#I washed it because it was covered in dust/hair#moved it to another location closer to where I sit at my desk while I work#he got in immediately#he wanted to be close to mommy ššš#FOUR FUCKING YEARS UNUSED???#cats are so silly
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god i hate moving. i hate moving so much. i'm so sick of moving i'm not gonna move again for at least 24 months this is such bullshit
#hate hate hate hate hate hate hate moving#i hate packing things away and trying to juggle what i'll need in the next couple of days vs what will make my life easier for big move day#i hate asking family and friends for help even though they offer because it's a literal burden to carry#hate trying to do the logistics in this fucking HEAT#i hate it with my entire fucking soul#the only upside is getting to shop for a new desk that is the only thing i'm taking joy in#ugghhhhhh#and it's throwing off my writing schedule because i can't do anything because i'm thinking about moving#but i can't just pick up and do the whole move immediately so i've been in waiting mode all week#meaning none of the writing i want to get done is getting done even the fun stuff
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just had the most mortifying phone call i've had in a long time jesus christ
#was just trying to find out if i could still use my new health insurance at my dr appointment next wednesday if i didn't have the card#but somehow managed to do it in thee most awkward tripping over my words not making sense way possible i feel bad#i'm not even that bothered by phone calls anymore i used to be a lot worse but the brain fog is unbelievable today#oh also i initially selected the option for billing dept because i was like oh insurance and billing like they go together right idk#but then the person cut me off to be like this is billing and you need to follow the prompts for the front desk and making appointments.....#which doesnt really make sense to me but whatever....then the front desk person was clearly fed up with me not having shit completely sorted#with my insurance lol#i've been trying and failing to make a fucking account with the insurance because for some reason the billing account is totally separate#from like the insurance account where you could hypothetically see your coverage details etc and when i tried before i put in the wrong zip#code and it told me it would send me a confirmation email and then two days later i got an email saying it was denied because the zip code#was wrong well it wasn't letting me change the zip code before (????) but now it did so i'm waiting on the confirmation email yet again#seems like the kind of thing that would be fairly immediate but of course this all has to be done in the worst and most evil way possible...#i don't even know if i'm putting together comprehensible sentences i havent had anything to eat all day and there is no glucose in my brain#for thoughts. and i DON'T want to make food but i also have no business getting takeout again. ugh#me
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trying to think about wedding planning is making my brain melt
like ik itāll be fine and weāll figure it out but why are there so many things to do and why is a guest list such a nightmare š
#our venue includes caterinf/drinks so thats good#and weāre diying the florals and favirs#but like. music?? photographer?? hair/makeup??? do i invite the maine cousins or no bc my dad is beefing w my aunt???#my cousin got married and didnt invite us so like. theres precedent for not inviting them#but also im pretty sure she eloped or had a micro wedding w only immediate family#also i like my coworkers way more than i thought i would#but do i just invite the techs/vas?#bc if i start inviting vets (which i want to doš) then i should also invite the office manager and fromt desk people#bc its rude to like. invite everyone but 5 people#i dont particularly wanr a couple of rhe vets bc im not as chatty w them#but like. also cant invite all but 2 of the vets lol#idk. idk
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omg iskra going back in time auau- but like- garak seeing two random cardassians on the station with no explanation why they r there, and they seem to know him like- what. Would they try to avoid him so he dont sus them out? what about names? They obviously cant say their surnames. And Ziyal š„ŗ (sorry this is just such a edible idea anyway)
AWOOOOGH GARAK WOULD BE SO INTRIGUED! you KNOW he'd be hiding behind promenade pylons trying to get a drop on any information about the two cardassians that the captain has let stay on the station during the war against cardassia! You KNOWWW he'd be desperately trying to make eye contact with them at quark's! AND YOU KNOW ISKRA WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION!
Unfortunately Idan is a first year starfleet student and like any student is deeply passionate about the letter and not the spirit of the law, and thinks that they should barricade themselves in their quarters so as to prevent temporal contradiction (as recommended in the textbook). Iskra, who graduated a cardassian jurisprudence apprenticeship and has a degree in comparative galactic law, recognizes that every set of regulations has loopholes just waiting to be tugged open and wiggled through. And that involves meeting all her aunts and uncles in their glory days, causing trouble, making cryptic remarks and flirting up a storm.
They probably do ask sisko to get bashir and garak off the station to minimize interference (Iskra also requests several other random crewmembers be kicked out. Just so that there's no implication about future events.) But not before she gets to meet her yadek! (and maybe get hit on by s3 era julian, eugh)
Iskra goes by her birth family name when she's not on Cardassia to minimize assassination attempts, so they're both Ghilanas (until SOMEONE hacks into the computer on their rented shuttle and finds their ID info...)
And also Ziyal... wary of two shiny young cardassians but still trying to put on a brave face...swept up by their openness and enthusiasm but deeply wary of the secret they seem to be hiding...
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#dee s 9#garashir adoption au#AUUGUHGHGHGH IVE BEEN TURNING THIS AUAU OVER IN MY HEAD LIKE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE PEBBLE AND NOW ITS ALL SMOOTH!#i know jumja sticks arent cold but in my heart theyre popsicles. cause a big lukewarm chunk of sugar aint it#not pictured: iskra dressing in her two (2) Nice Outfits#she was picking Idan up from his first year internship in the gamma quadrant to take him home for garak and bashirs 25 year anniversary#and they ran into.......time.... issues..... in the wormhole#idan keeps Snapping To Attention around senior officers#and humming vintage earth tunes#so sisko clocks something going on immediately. if the tail wasnt a giveaway.#like I am not sure that the beastie boys are a cardassian cultural import. this boy is not from Our Cardassia. And he keeps saluting me.#idan is just sooo so so so. so happy to meet Captain Sisko. but he also so so so wants to not fuck up spacetime#while his sister is lying on captain kiras desk in a cocktail gown with a rose betwixt her teeth#garak: *says something cryptic and suggestive* iskra: *says something cryptic and suggestive back* idan: *sips rootbeer loudly*#anyways thank u as always for the oc asks i cannot get over them#i LOVEEEE the excuse to do more...#nog jake alexander idan crew. just boys being boys. just guys causing mischief
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#i was on a walk through town for my lunch break just now#and i am already feeling. morbidly depressed#so i wasnt exactly balanced#and then i saw my dad randomly and i was smiling at him like. hi uh im gonna say hello ofc#and he smiled at me with a curt nod like you would to a person you don't know and just walked on like he was going to pass me by#and i then took off my hat like... don't you recognize?#only then did he switch around and say like ohhhhh well now without your hat Maybe#with some excuse that he was nervous about a lecture he had to give#and sure sure all valid#so i was like okay good luck i'll be on my way#and i immediately wanted to burst into tears ????#it was such a stupid moment and he really did not mean to walk past me without noticing me#with my hat and winter coat i get it#and being nervous#what the fuck is going on in my brain??? i am still so upset?????#full on existential crisis on all levels and this clearly pushed a button holy shit#my posts#fuck#now i hve to fucking sit at my fucking desk at my fucking job#holy shit i hate life rn
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ITS BEEN A FUCKING WEEK. PASS THE DETRITUS
#howling#had a lvl 1 trauma at abt 720#which sucks but we were managing fine#call er back at 750 as protocol to ask if theyve transfused and if theyll need more and to make sure they have a t&s ordered#secretary confirms that both units were transfused + they wont be needing more (lol) + a type and screen WAS drawn just not ordered yet#ok cool. all i have to do is wait for the specimen so i can crossmatch the units#im chilling in bloodbank doing bloodbank things#meanwhile. er calls the front desk (blood bank has a separate phone line. they specifically called the lab line instead)#lab assistant takes the call (like normal). theyre not sure what er said exactly but theyre planning to transfer the patient somewhere#and mentioned 'something like mpp???'#midnight tech was upfront and overheard. immediately asked if they meant MTP#lab assistant wasnt sure but said she had asked if er wanted to talk to blood bank (aka me) and they said no#both the assistant and the tech assumed that they DIDNT actually mean mtp because that would be fucking bonkers#if they casually mention it to a lab assistant and NOT FUCKING BLOOD BANK#and i didnt hear about this phone call until like maybe an hour or two later btw#anyways. yeah no they called an MTP#thats always fucking awful but they DID bring down the t&s partway thru#patient had no history and the only other specimens on file were drawn at the same time#so i order a confirmatory type to make things easier later on. it needs to be drawn by either the nursing team or by a lab assistant#screen is negative so at least we only need to do an immediate spin crossmatch on everything#we get all the units emergency issued + the platelets are ordered and issued normally after the t&s is done since it doesnt need a xmatch#er cancels the mtp. theyve transfused 6 out of the 8 units we sent them. two remaining units being sent to or#or is told directly that the mtp was canceled and that theyd need to call a new one if things escalate again#ok. things are calming down. its fine. i got all the xmatches done and theyre all compatible which is great#we get in a delivery from arc of platelets bringing us back up to 6 on the shelf (we need 5 on hand tomorrow morning for an open heart)#(at this point i find out about the phone call i mentioned earlier)#i get a call from or. my heart sinks immediately#or nurse says they need 2 rbcs and 2 platelets and theyre sending someone down RIGHT NOW to pick it up#we still hadnt gotten that confirmatory btw#im too stunned to say anything else so i just go ok. and hang up
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I think I finally understand whatās at the root of all my weird little problems and why I have such a hard time connecting with my body.
I do so much work to read and be smart as a defensive mechanism because Iām a really kind caring person and that makes me a little naive and I look a lot younger than I am so I feel like people think Iām easy to manipulate.
But then thereās a part of me that feels like itās not safe to be smart, and that sounds so weird and counterintuitive but I realized itās because Iām terrified of being seen.
Like if Iām smart Iām going to have to act on it and challenge people and thatāll bring attention on me that I donāt want to deal with so Iāll continue to be the kind naive nice girl even if people are mistreating me because itās not safe to be seen itās not safe to be smart.
Like my body will not use basic protection methods like setting boundaries, saying no or standing up for myself because that requires me to get over that fear of being seen. Like my body fears being seen more than it fears being mistreated and thatās kind of terrifying.
#itās why my nervous system is so dysregulated because all the methods of healing and getting better require being seen#and having vulnerable conversations that feel scary and overwhelming to my nervous system#thatās learned that to be safe I have to hide and not take up a lot of space#and I know I learned that directly in my abusive house and elementary school where if I did like one thing wrong Iād have a teacher#screaming in my face even though I was a literal child going through abuse at home#so I was never taught emotional regulation or how to interact with people in a healthy way#Iāve also had a lot of friends who didnāt like when I was smarter or better at something than them and they would get insecure#and immediately try to put me down to make themselves feel better so that reinforced that it wasnāt safe to stand out and be smart#partially because I didnāt want to hurt other peopleās feelings and partially because I learned it made me vulnerable to criticism#I didnāt understand why I always end up being friends with people who are kind of manipulative/ people who donāt genuinely like me and see#me as this punching bag to take out their insecurities and unhealed trauma#but I think these people feel safe in a way because I know theyāll never see me and I wonāt have to be super vulnerable#I also donāt really trust myself and Iām so scared of being mean or hurting other people because my teachers called me mean and entitled and#disrespectful all the time bc I didnāt know how to communicate that I felt mistreated and scared in their classrooms#and any attempts I tried to do it in a healthy way ended with me getting punished anyway#I remember I tried to write a letter to my parents because I didnāt want to be in my 2nd grad teacherās class anymore bc she was really mean#to me and I was so hypervigilent of getting in trouble and I left the letter in a folder in my desk#and my teacher went through my desk and I got sent to the principalās office over it even though I didnāt remember saying anything mean or#disrespectful in it I was literally just trying to advocate for myself and I got punished for that too#personal
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this is dumb but it kinda sucks how I worked there for over 4 years, came in extra hours and skipped breaks, advertised for them and defended them including in the fucking legislation, and then I didn't even get the same going away party every single other employee of my department has gotten, including one who was there for like 3 months
#i hope they all felt my grief in the sad face i drew with my very quickly scribbled secret goodbye sticky note i left for my desk neigbor#i put it on the front of a dvd i placed face down on her desk so it would look like work stuff#it just said 'theyre making me leave immediately. please tell everyone i wanted to say goodbye :( ~Orion'
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i canāt WAIT for my pc to come in so that i can play fallout 76 with my boyfriend!!
#apparently it comes it like three days later than itās supposed so so womp womp#but i just hope itās in one piece when it gets here and it works#also i got my first box of stuff delivered yesterday and it had my diploma#and i kind of put it under my bf and iās desk on a shelf#but my bf saw it almost as soon as he got home and immediately asked where it should be hung up and wanted to help find a good spot for it#idk why thatās just so sweet to me#non sims
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i think one of the worst feelings is going into a brand new environment and not knowing if you'll be safe or accepted there so you dumb your identity down for people to understand better so there's as little weirdness or confrontation as possible with them
#going by [redacted] + they/them at school is just. tiresome#sometimes i just want to stand up on a desk and scream IM A NONBINARY MAN ā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø to everyone but i never feel like they'll understand#loquitur#plus i got accidentally she/her-d by my writing prof today in class and he immediately corrected himself + apologized to me in private#which is more than i wouldve asked for honestly hes so great. but yknow just getting misgendered at all is so šš
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