#to me and I was so hypervigilent of getting in trouble and I left the letter in a folder in my desk

[glittertimes]

I think I finally understand what’s at the root of all my weird little problems and why I have such a hard time connecting with my body.

I do so much work to read and be smart as a defensive mechanism because I’m a really kind caring person and that makes me a little naive and I look a lot younger than I am so I feel like people think I’m easy to manipulate.

But then there’s a part of me that feels like it’s not safe to be smart, and that sounds so weird and counterintuitive but I realized it’s because I’m terrified of being seen.

Like if I’m smart I’m going to have to act on it and challenge people and that’ll bring attention on me that I don’t want to deal with so I’ll continue to be the kind naive nice girl even if people are mistreating me because it’s not safe to be seen it’s not safe to be smart.

Like my body will not use basic protection methods like setting boundaries, saying no or standing up for myself because that requires me to get over that fear of being seen. Like my body fears being seen more than it fears being mistreated and that’s kind of terrifying.

[clau1r9i]

The Complex Interaction Between Insecurity and Friendship: Alice Swayne and Chise Hatori

ok so this post has been sponsored by @thornswoggled who has asked me to write about this (hiiii)

This is a post about an analysis that I wrote years ago to which I have added the part about how Alice would react if she knew the relationship between Chise and Joseph (you can skip everything and go to the end and get to that paragraph but you will not find new information either, I recommend read all for more context)

Ok i have to apologize, this is very long, i can´t do short things i just can´t i tried so get comfy

let´s staaart!

Introduction

This essay explores the psychological scars left by Alice's childhood, the common characteristics she shares with Chise, and the potential for rivalry between them as their relationships and place in society evolve.

The Psychological Impact of Alice's Troubling Past

Alice Swayne's personality is deeply influenced by her traumatic childhood, which can be understood in terms of *post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)* and *attachment disorder*. Abandoned at a young age and forced to survive in a dangerous environment, Alice developed a strong sense of loyalty, particularly towards Mikhail Renfred, who rescued her. However, this loyalty is accompanied by deep insecurities and a persistent fear of abandonment, typical manifestations of *avoidant attachment disorder*. Her childhood experiences may have caused psychological issues such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and a strong need for approval, characteristics of *dependent personality disorder*. These insecurities drive her to constantly prove her worth, sometimes at the expense of her own well-being. The trauma of her early life leaves her vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and fear of being replaced or forgotten, especially by those she values most.

It can also be noted that this combination of issues may result in difficulty forming healthy relationships, hypervigilance, and feelings of guilt and shame regarding past attitudes and reactions.

Similarities Between Alice and Chise

Despite their different backgrounds, Alice and Chise share several significant characteristics that form the basis of their friendship. Both have endured painful pasts marked by abandonment and a longing for acceptance, which can be related to the concept of *existential loneliness*. This shared history creates an implicit understanding between them, as both know the pain of loneliness and the desire to find a place where they truly belong.

Their loyalty and devotion to their respective mentors, Renfred and Elias, also connect them, and both characters are willing to make significant sacrifices for the people they care about. Furthermore, both Alice and Chise struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem, often questioning their own worth. This shared vulnerability allows them to empathize with each other's difficulties and provide support when one of them doubts, which is an example of *social and emotional support*.

The progression of their relationship can be schematically outlined as follows:

Stages of Their Friendship:

Initial Distrust:

Description: When Alice and Chise first meet, there is evident distrust and rivalry, especially from Alice. This is partly due to Alice's insecurity and fear that Chise might be a threat to Renfred or that she might not be worthy of his time.

Respect and Recognition:

Description: As they interact more, Alice begins to see Chise in a different light. She recognizes her strength and value. This changes her initial perception.

Mutual Support:

Description: As their friendship deepens, Alice and Chise begin to support each other in times of need. Both have difficult pasts and find comfort in their mutual understanding. This mutual support allows them to grow both emotionally and personally.

There came a point where Alice found something she thought she would never find, someone she believed was similar to her, with a very similar past and seemingly similar traumatic consequences, which is why Alice makes an effort to guide and care for Chise. Essentially, we can see in the way Alice treats Chise the same relationship that exists between Chise and Philomela, albeit on a much smaller scale. However, thinking of someone as being just like you is a notion that can easily shift from love to hatred, and thus it should be discarded immediately. Someone can be very similar to you, but never identical. 

The consequences of this way of thinking are evident in the following.

Potential for Rivalry: Alice's Perspective on Chise

Despite the strong foundation of their friendship, the relationship between Alice and Chise is not without its challenges.

Initially, Alice might have viewed Chise as a competitor, particularly because Chise possesses unique and powerful abilities like Sleigh Beggy, which distinguish and make her valuable in a way that Alice might envy. The fact that nearly all characters show such interest in Chise could exacerbate Alice's fears of inadequacy, leading her to see Chise as a rival seeking approval and recognition, a phenomenon that can be understood in terms of *performance anxiety* and *evaluation sensitivity*.

An additional factor that could intensify the perception of rivalry is the apparent ease with which Chise forms and maintains friendships. Unlike Alice, who has struggled to establish deep and lasting connections due to her traumatic past and insecurities, Chise seems to have greater success in forming meaningful bonds with others. This perception that Chise has an innate ability to connect with people might make Alice feel more insecure, as she could interpret it as a lack of social skills in herself, which may be associated with *difficulties in forming interpersonal relationships* and *social inadequacy*.

The potential rivalry might also be fueled by differences in the nature of their relationships with their respective mentors. While Chise has a more emotional and close relationship with Elias, Alice’s relationship with Renfred, from Alice's perspective, is more professional and based on proving her worth (which she dislikes), reflecting an *anxious attachment disorder*, whereas from Renfred's point of view, it is a paternalistic relationship. Alice might feel that Chise has an advantage in receiving emotional support and guidance, which could make Alice feel neglected or undervalued in comparison.

Additionally, Alice might perceive that Chise is achieving what she herself desires: a sense of belonging and unconditional acceptance, something Alice has longed for but has not always received from Renfred in the way she wishes. This perception could heighten her feelings of rivalry, as Alice might fear that, in the eyes of her mentors, Chise is occupying a place she herself wishes to have, a sentiment that could be interpreted as *fear of rejection* and *self-image insecurity*.

All these terms can be encompassed under social comparison and intrapersonal jealousy.

The person Alice initially sees as her equal begins to have a seemingly better life than hers, a life and environment that forgives all mistakes, while Alice feels stuck, with stagnant personal relationships, and her mistakes come at a high price (Alice couldn't defend Renfred and as a result lost his arm, an arm that will not grow back).

Given all this, and considering the recent trending discussion here about Joseph/Cartafilus,

What would happen if Alice discovered that Chise is protecting and hiding Joseph?

The discovery that Chise is protecting Joseph/Cartafilus, a figure who has caused Alice significant harm, adds a complex layer to Alice's internal conflict. Joseph/Cartafilus represents pain and betrayal for Alice, and his presence in Chise's life might be seen as a personal betrayal by Alice. She could be overwhelmed by anger and frustration upon seeing Chise defend someone who has hurt her, intensifying her feelings of mistrust and insecurity. This act could make Alice feel excluded and dismissed, perceiving that Chise does not fully recognize the negative impact Joseph has had on her life. Additionally, Alice might face a profound internal conflict between maintaining her friendship with Chise and protecting herself from those who have caused her harm, which could trigger an identity crisis and doubts about Chise's loyalty. This would be a significant shock, potentially exacerbated by Chise's response or even if she chooses to remain silent.

[foundfamilywhump]

When X is triggered by something but they're not super emotionally aware and don't realise they're triggered and don't understand why they're suddenly feeling all distressed, and Y is the one who puts two and two together and realises what's wrong and deals with it for them

P.s you are literally my favorite fic writer and I love both your blogs I just wanted to let you know

OHHHHH YES THIS IS CATNIP TO ME

anything to do with the lasting impact of trauma and dealing with triggers and whatnot is right up my alley and this is so compelling bc what a disorienting thing. just to be upset and agitated, having trouble focusing, feeling scared and on alert and not knowing why. getting hypervigilant and their heart is racing but everything is fine, so this shouldn’t be happening. but Y knows what’s going on.

and that’s so fun bc like - why does Y recognize it, right? have they seen X like this before, so they know what X specifically being triggered looks like? have they themself struggled with trauma and know from personal experience? did they notice what specifically triggered X in the first place and make a note to keep an eye on them in case this happened?

and of course the absolutely tantalizing possibilities of what Y dealing with it for them looks like bc there’s such a wide range of fun stuff that could mean. if they’re in a situation they can’t just leave it could mean getting the trigger itself away somehow, or standing between X and what upset them, blocking it. it could mean taking X somewhere private so they have the space to calm down and they can have a quick talk about what happened. maybe asking X if they want to leave entirely and taking them somewhere else, making sure there’s someone with them as they’re left shaky and exhausted and unsettled after all that happened. ough very good.

(and aaaahhh thank you so much that’s so sweet of you!! im so flattered, that’s such a nice thing to say :’) )

[weirdlynotspecific]

Studying Hunter from TOH as a person with PTSD

So as you probably gathered this post is going to be a bit heavy. Tw for: narcissists, PTSD, abuse, Belos being Belos, trauma and it's after effects

Also bare in mind that this is just my opinion. I have PTSD caused by someone similar to Belos and noticed a lot of similarities between Hunter and I. However, I am by no means an authority on this topic and this is just my take on the character.

I will probably come back to this and edit it to add more if I think of anything else.

Also spoilers for The Owl House up until Season 3 Episode 1, Thanks to Them.

Hunter's unwillingness to believe Belos is a bad person

This is something many people with PTSD (especially if the person/people causing the trauma is a narcissist) go through when other people realize something is off.

It can look like denial, grief, anger, and the person being abused can be furious with the person who realized something was wrong.

It's really confusing like in Hunter's case when Belos has been put on a pedestal (literally) his entire life

Belos gave Hunter a purpose. This is love bombing. This can appear as: "Wow you're so special" "I love you so so much". Belos straight up tells Hunter: "You're destined for something" (Hunter brings it up in Hollow Mind I think) and makes him the golden guard. It's a common tactic with manipulators so that their victim has a reason to stay with them.

Belos also isolated him. Hunter never knew what a good caregiver looked like. He wouldn't know what abuse looks like because all of this has been normalized. He wasn't even allowed to leave the castle except on missions on the weekends (I believe that's in season 3 episode 1).

Hunter's signs

Hunter's shaking hands seen in Hollow Mind. This can be an underlying physical disorder but in Hunter's case it's most likely because he is in fight or flight and processing a lot of information at once. The mind can take stress out physically on the body and this is one way this can appear.

Hunter's hypervigilance. Hunter is very easily spooked (once again Hollow Mind this episode is just full of Hunter and Belos making it my best point of reference) and is constantly on edge. Even in the newest episode (S3 E1) he is on edge, although in this case he was right.

Hunter's eyebags. So I think this could be one of 2 things; stress appearing physically on the body again, or more likely a lack of sleep. many with PTSD sleep less, have trouble staying asleep, avoid sleep, and are more prone to nightmares.

Cutting his hair when he thought he looked too much like Belos. This scene hit hard for me because I also changed my hair because of my trauma. It's an example of taking control of what you can, which many abuse victims do when they have a space to. It's also avoidance, Hunter doing what he can to be the furthest thing from Belos. it's a scene that even if it's a little detail, it's extremely important to his character.

Not telling his friends he's a grimwalker. Abuse victims don't want to feel alone. In this case when Hunter is in Fight or Flight he chooses another option, Fawn. It's a people-pleasing method to make sure the victim doesn't get hurt again. It can also result in codependency. Hunter is very careful of what he says to his friends because he doesn't want to be left alone and feel that again.

Causes

Physical injury. Hunter has a scar (now several) on his face. Unwanted permanent change to the body ESPECIALLY through force is never healthy and can be extremely traumatic.

Psychological abuse. Belos is a known liar, it's stated over and over again in the series. Living in a relationship like that is breeding grounds for trauma because you can never be sure if what you are hearing is the truth or not. When Hunter finds out he's a grimwalker that is his entire life flipped over. His life, his identity, was made up by Belos. He is now forced to figure out what is actually his and what was made up.

Sources

https://www.dailyom.com/journal/is-it-love-or-is-it-love-bombing-5-red-flags-to-help-you-spot-the-difference/?aff=91&ad=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=PerformanceMax&acct=9358138875&campaign_id=16896613381&gclid=CjwKCAiA5Y6eBhAbEiwA_2ZWIdNpOVzzurt7m4MaXkLRwaaejex6WBv4MaCcMSXZMJrbiVJRj7VVHRoCijQQAvD_BwE

https://atlanticcoastrehab.blog/why-your-hands-tremble

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/related/sleep_problems.asp#:~:text=Loss%20of%20sleep%20time.,loss%20can%20affect%20daily%20life.

https://www.modernintimacy.com/fawn-response-trauma-response-reason-for-people-pleasing-behavior/#:~:text=Fawning%20is%20also%20sometimes%20associated,they%20think%20they%20need%20you.

[limestoner]

Autistic stuff I’m judged for:

• Not looking at people when there is nothing for me to look at. Staring at someone’s face gives me no new information; it’s just one more thing I have to constantly remind myself to do that takes away from me actually listening to them.

• When people tell me the same thing repeatedly and expect a response every time. When I say, “I know,” it’s rude? So I just run through the list of nothing-responses: “Uh-huh. Okay. Wow.” I have to be hypervigilant to make sure I’m responding “correctly” or the person will stop talking and look at me expecting… something. I don’t know what.

• Sudden changes. “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.” I was expecting a weekend of hurkle durkling (means lounging around in bed in the morning instead of getting up right away, but I use it to describe all the things that help me prepare to transition to social situations/demands), but oh dear, the heater won’t turn on. Now I have to find someone to fix it and deal with talking to them and there won’t be peace until it’s over and the maintenance person has left. Not only did I not get the unmasked hurkle durkle time, but there’s another social demand being placed on me.

• Screaming and smacking when someone comes up behind me to put the tag of my shirt in. I used to make it stick out on purpose so it wouldn’t be scratching my neck, but then the feeling of unexpected touch on my neck is painful. Again, “Settle down. I’m just being helpful!” I love tagless clothes.

• I’m a therapist, so peak social performance is expected. Having to mask at that level is extremely exhausting. I always plaster a smile on my face even if I’m holding back vomiting because I don’t want my patient (or more specifically, their family) to be uncomfortable. I do my job well. But in order to do it, I have to brave the small talk like I’m treading through a minefield.

• Sitting in waiting rooms like I’m doing right now. I have to make sure I’m looking normal even though the music is too loud, I’m tired of sitting here, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave. I want to lie on the floor. I can’t.

• Because I can do such a good job masking, no one really understands that I can’t do it all the time. “It can’t be that hard. Everyone is expected to do these things. Everyone does things they don’t want to do sometimes.” Of course. But every waking moment I spend around other people, I have to be perfect to be considered “acceptable.” If I let the mask slip just a little, I’m rude, cold, insensitive (but also too sensitive?), lazy. If “everyone” felt like this in these situations, I don’t think society would be set up the way it is.

• Lack of a social network. “Just put yourself out there and make some friends!” How. Yes, I have managed to figure out that people are expected to make friends, and that the world is set up for people who have connections. But I have never known how to do that. Teacher says, “Get into groups!” Seemingly instantly, there are groups. And me. I ask to join and group says no. I ask next group. No. Look, I don’t even mind doing the academic work for the group. All of it. Just let me join a group before I get in trouble for “not following directions.” Or worse, the teacher has to offer extra credit for a group to take me. Yes. More than once.

• My problems are largely invisible, which to most people means “not their problem,” “nonexistent,” or simply “made up.” No one chooses sensory overload, meltdowns, being judged all the time. I’d love it if instead of “You don’t look autistic,” people would say things like, “Cool. What things do you like to talk about? Don’t worry about making eye contact if you don’t like it.” Just a small amount of compromise in my direction once in awhile would mean everything.

[merlyn-bane]

15 People, 15 Questions

Thanks for the tag, @lttrsfrmlnrrgby!

1. Are you named after anyone? Do fictional people count? My mom named me after the little girl in a weird old movie she really likes. I'm pretty sure she gets kidnapped?? Idk. But I was a much less sweet and pleasant child than the one she named me after.

2. When was the last time you cried? Uh idk, maybe last week?? My sense of time is Fucked but @foreverchangingfandomsao3 got me with one of their whumptober prompts. I also got, like, weirdly strongly homesick a few weeks ago out of nowhere when a song came on that reminded me of my mom and I was already extremely emotionally exhausted so it kind of just sent me over.

3. Do you have kids? Absolutely not. I have a dog and two cats and they are more than close enough for me.

4. What sports do you play/have played? I wasn't awful the few times we played volleyball in gym class but I am a very far thing from a jock. I did do a season of color guard though

5. Do you use sarcasm? It's basically a second language in my family. I don't think I use it quite as much as I used to, though. Mostly it's my facial expressions that get me in trouble now.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? I don't know. Tone, maybe?? If someone seems rude or like otherwise disinterested in having a productive interaction I tend to disengage really quickly.

7. What’s your eye color? Brown.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Media is, for me, first and foremost about escapism. I also like being able to sleep at night and already have issues with anxiety and hypervigilance.

9. Any talents? If you give me like 20-30 minutes and resources (manuals, youtube, etc) I can figure out how to do most things with my hands--which is how I've ended up with so many goddamn hobbies. I've done most of the work on my house myself, though, to include the kitchen backsplash. I can also make very cute robot lamps that have functioning outlets!

10. Where were you born? Coastal North Carolina

11. What are your hobbies? Writing, reading, digital art, painting, crocheting, knitting, cross stitch, home improvement. Probably some more things not coming to me right now. Making shit, basically. I have had to be all but physically restrained for like a year to keep me from playing with stained glass next. I'm autistic and I cannot be stopped. If I'm left unattended long enough I'll probably pick up another one.

12. Do you have any pets? I have a pittie/dogo argentino (mastiff) mix named Ziggy Stardust, a calico pain in my ass (cat) named Princess Jellybean of Doom (often shortened to Jellybean, or JB, or Brat), and a massive black and white cat named Captain Ravioli. A black cat and another 'dog' also live here courtesy of my roommates.

13. How tall are you? 5'3". 5'4" on a good day with a kind measure.

14. Favorite subject in school? I loved the sciences and English courses. I love history too but I didn't like it as a class in school because of the whole growing up in rural North Carolina thing.

15. Dream job? Recently, the only thing I have wanted is to be paid to make shit in a sunlit studio all day. I am exhausted with the concept of 'job'. Paleontology would be sick though.

I think I'm going to do open tags, to be honest, because my brain is not firing on enough cylinders right now. Play if you want!:)

[youmissedone]

K-Mart startled, sitting up straighter when she heard the door swing open. Even though she knew she was safe here, she’d learned to always be on her guard. She never knew if one of the undead was coming for her, and she needed to protect herself, so the hypervigilance she’d developed as a result of her PTSD wasn’t necessarily a bad thing in this case.

“No, um, it’s not a bad thing that you answered me so quickly. It’s just… I heard you and Mom arguing again, and I think it might be my fault.” K-Mart briefly glanced out the window. She could see Alice and Claire deep in conversation, but she didn’t make any efforts to listen in. That dynamic seemed simple enough to her. “I don’t want to upset you. I just want to be good.”

K-Mart understood exactly why Claire didn’t want her to get close with Alice. Gaining hope then losing it could hurt more than never hoping at all, but K-Mart was young and sweet. She couldn’t help but hope that there was something substantial in Arcadia, and that Alice was going to take them there. K-Mart had already begun to include Alice in her family dynamic, and she admired the woman greatly.

“Is Alice going to stay here?”

__________

Carlos was sorry to see he’d startled K-Mart, but at the same time, he was glad to see her awareness and instincts were where they should be. He wasn’t about to tell her it was okay or not to be scared because, frankly, there was a lot that was not okay right now, and a lot she should be scared of. Instead, he didn’t draw further attention to it, so as not to embarrass her, and otherwise left it alone. That paranoia could save her life someday, he knew. It was just a sad fact of the world they lived in now.

“No, it’s not your fault. There’s just a lot going on right now. Your mom’s... a little stressed out. We all are. What with the last few members of the convoy we lost with that bird attack, and... well Claire has to manage people’s fears a bit with that and with Alice. Most people here don’t know her, so they’re a little afraid. I’m not sure what you overheard, exactly, but it had nothing to do with you.” And now some levity to lighten the mood... “Unless it’s about you elbowing her in your sleep again last night, ‘cause she did mention something about that...” he joked. While Carlos usually shared a vehicle with L.J. to sleep at night, whenever he wasn’t shacking up with Betty, he knew K-Mart often slept in Claire’s vehicle. 

“You are good, K-Mart. Best daughter I ever had, actually.” Another joke, since she well knew Carlos had no other children, but a good amount of truth mixed in this time. “Don’t worry. Your mom and I are very proud of you. You’re very brave and you help us out a lot every day. Keep up the good work, okay?” he offered, meaning every word.

At her question, Carlos’ head tilted briefly and he sighed. “No, probably not. And that has nothing to do with you either, it’s just... That’s how Alice is. A lot’s happened to her over the years, and she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt because of her. There are some very bad people who would love to get their hands on her, and she’s afraid that her being around all of us will get us into trouble as well. Your mom feels the same way, given what she knows of Alice, from what I’ve told her. She’s wary of what Alice can do, and why, and she’s got the convoy’s safety to think about.”

That was the simplest explanation he could give, and one that didn’t overly involve explaining potential jealousy that might be going on with Claire as well. That part... was Carlos’ problem to handle. “Why do you ask?” he prompted K-Mart, wondering if it had only been a casual question, or if the girl was thinking about something specific.

[lord-radish]

I don't talk about this openly because it's a touchy subject, but I've really gotta get out of the drinking game. I've got issues with alcohol, and I've had these issues for years at this point, but I can't seem to escape it due to both mental problems and general proximity.

Like I have a friend who frequents a bar next door to where I live. I'll be passing through as a shortcut and say hello, and he'll like. repeatedly prompt me to get a beer. Like genuinely badger me until I give in and have a beer with him. Same thing on Sundays, he pushes me to drink repeatedly even if I clearly and repeatedly state that I don't want a beer. My family is full of alcoholics, and being drunk lets me be more social with them, so when I see family I can't escape it.

But I'm also really insecure and have a lot of trouble being around people when I'm sober, and alcohol loosens me up. It helps to be around other people and to get on their level when I get drunk, when my sober self is clearly running at a diminished capacity on that front. I stutter, I don't have timely comebacks and it's hard to maintain conversation. I was bullied for years and have reduced social skills because of that.

But I'm at a point where I have to stop. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. It was a fun time and a good weekend, but it makes me feel so sick for days and I get caught in this loop of binge-drinking that eats up all my time and money. It's having an effect on my physical and mental health too, and I'm just flat-out less productive when I'm drunk and subsequently hungover. I feel sick all the time. I want to get out of this.

I vent a lot about my former best friend - and that's a situation where I acted extremely shittily, but the hatred for that guy is just sort of in me now. There was a point right at the end of our friendship where I had just been sober for three and a half months due to a health issue, and due to an ongoing mental health episode and a growing sense of isolation and detachment from my friends, I gave in and began drinking again.

In that moment I needed alcohol. It was a bad choice but it was a dark, dark time. But in hindsight, one of the most disturbing parts was the morning after. I felt fantastic, I was full of energy, and I gladly left the house after breaking my sobriety and went to hang out with my former best friend. We'd been growing apart because while I was sober, I began to notice how uncomfortable and hypervigilant of myself I was around him, and that led to avoidance and a few tense moments between us - but hungover and rushing on endorphins, I went to hang out with him.

And he told me that I seemed "like myself" again.

I've thought about this, and one reason I began binge-drinking the way I do was to pacify myself and be more pliable to my surroundings, where everyone else is calling the shots and I'm just along for the ride. A lot of that came back to my former best friend - he always took the passenger seat when we went driving with friends, he always had the aux cord, it was always about him. The decision to binge-drink to cope with my negative emotions was a personal decision that I made, and the negativity encompassed more than just our friendship, but I was having a prolonged negative experience with my best friend of the time, and that didn't help.

The disturbing part, in hindsight, is that alcohol abuse made me more agreeable. When I stopped drinking, things got tense between us. When I began drinking again, I was "like myself" again. Granted, I was happier after a mental health crisis and a growing sense of agitation and dissatisfaction. But I was wallpapering over my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with that friend by binge-drinking, and maybe that tenseness was justified considering how hard our friendship imploded just two months later.

Now I have a job and my own place to live. My personal issues are more general than they used to be - I was living in an actively hostile environment, and I was friends with someone who made me feel like I was always walking a tightrope. I have my own space, and I've made new friends - one of which actively drives me to drink when I don't actually want to, but things are just outright better, warts and all.

But it all comes back to alcohol. I'm not drinking as hard as I was during the pandemic - that's what gave me the health problem that I went sober for - but I am drinking a LOT. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. I'm taking the day off work and losing money because I just need one day to myself to sort my shit out. Alcohol is ruining my life. It helps with my social issues, but it is ruining my life in so many other ways. And I'm not going to mention just how deep this all goes, but it's bad.

I don't really know what to do. I can't just announce it publically, because I'm almost certainly going to backslide on it at some point. I think quitting drinking is going to alienate me from some of my current friends, and I genuinely like them. Even the guy who badgers me to drink is a good guy who's treated me very well in the aftermath of losing my previous friends. I like spending time with him. But the writing is very clearly on the wall; I need to stop.

The issue is support. My entire world is built on the back of alcohol. My family and friends are both strong links to alcohol. I was seeing a counsellor for a long time who didn't think I needed to quit, I just needed to learn to moderate - that's been out of the question for years, I know what this is. I had another one before her who made me feel really judged for my issues with alcohol. And I've had very intense codependent internet friendships before that I don't want to even risk slipping back into, so this isn't a cry for help in the sense that I'm looking for a sober buddy on Tumblr to try and help me. I'm not putting any of you through that. I'm not.

Mostly this is just me getting my thoughts in order and expressing myself. It helped to get this all off my chest. I don't know where to go from here, but talking about it was a big first step. Like just as a disclaimer, I'm going to be fine going forward and I feel a lot better having spoken about this, so don't feel too concerned or alarmed - in the immediate sense, removed from the broader issues I discussed in this post, I'm fine. But yeah I just really needed to talk about my issues with alcohol, because my continued alcohol abuse is really bad for me in a lot of ways and it's really hard to take any sort of first step y'know. Hoping I can leverage this post into something more productive for the long term. Sorry for trauma-dumping on main.

[ladyimaginarium]

Y'all... this shit is fuckin' weird, my& eye keeps twitching? Constantly, all the time? This is literally the fourth time it happened. Which doesn't happen for Arcana& or... anybody else. Also... man, being in the front is weird, too, 'cause I& usually am co-conscious or somethin' like that and I'm& always so tensed up, it's called hypervigilance or something like that... 'cause... the fuck do you MEAN there's no walkers? The fuck do you mean you don't have to fight every day of your life for survival? The fuck do you mean people aren't dying left and right from the literal end of the world? The fuck do you mean I'm& in this weak ass body? The fuck you mean I& look in the mirror and the bitch I'm& looking at ain't me&? /lh No shade, Angie&. Anyway, uh... I& don't even know why I'm& here, but I& think I& really need to get outta this energy, 'cause, honestly, I& don't think I& fully left my& source 'cause I'm& always looking for trouble that might be coming for us&. There's a lot of shit I& wanna talk about while I'm& here in the front source wise that I& wasn't able to say, but I& think I& need to ground myself& first. Later.

— 🍊 / Clementine Maria Jasmine Cree&, she/her; they/them.

[pathfinderswiftpen]

Two of my college classmates were vets with ptsd. Once, someone's car alarm went off or an ambulance went by, and J. immediaty left his chair and crouched under the table, later explaining it was an automatic response because of a particular drill. He was hypervigilant and tended to sit in the back, where he could see everybody. M. was also hypervigilant but sat up front so he could pay attention. He had severe anxiety and worked out a lot, going running. He has been hospitalized for his anxiety, I think for high heart rate. Both were incredibly kind. J, reserved and guarded, M outgoing and open. Both thoughtful and insightful. J never made physical contact with anybody, but when I cried in class the day after my father figure passed, he put his hand on my shoulder. M cared so deeply about his friends and family. I would trust that man with my life. I knew that if I got into trouble, he'd do what he could to help. When a very young friend of mine was discharged from the army for severe ptsd and other medical reasons, I was concerned for his safety and health, and M walked me through the info to give him about navigating the V.A. and all that.

I myself have cptsd, not a veteran. Sometimes you'll feel like everything is horrible and Something Is Wrong, when you are perfectly safe. Sometimes you'll smell or hear something and get a flood of one, maybe many, emotions. Sometimes you shut down and dissociate. Other times, you'll go into defense mode and verbally lash out at a person who said or did something like somebody else did who hurt you in your past. You know it's not them, but your Trauma Brain doesn't. With ptsd/cptsd the brain does not have a straight timeline for the trauma. It is a loop that you are stuck in, the trauma has no end. It needs to reprocess the trauma so your brain knows it is Over. (emdr is a popular? effective therapy tool) Also, once a person finally feels 'safe' emotionally and physically, then feelings that have been repressed will Show Up and it can be very confusing. You then. Have to feel it, acknowledge it, and let it pass. Hope that helps a bit.

Do you have any advice on how to write an ex-soldier with PTSD without him becoming an abusive ass?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Your challenge first is to nail down what you're talking about. There are many ways PTSD manifest in different people - and there are many different experiences that can trigger PTSD. The stereotype of a veteran struggling with PTSD is emotional outbursts, but anger is one of many possible symptoms of PTSD. Not everyone is going to have that symptom, because everyone has a different reaction to trauma.

I get the impression that you're thinking of a combat vet, but there are many different kinds of soldiers who can have many different experiences that lead to having PTSD. A med tech who's never been near a firefight might struggle with trauma involved in dealing with injured people nonetheless. Someone who witnessed a horrible crash from afar can still develop PTSD from the experience. America is, unfortunately, a land of trauma, and it's not difficult to find examples of how people deal with it.

TV shows love the drama of relaying how a former soldier suffers from a traumatic experienced filmed in narrow hallways in a yellow grain. Gently, I'd encourage you to avoid going down this route, as it's overdone and overshadows all other experiences with PTSD.

Your best approach is to consider what kind of character you're writing, and what kind of development you want them to have. How would your story change if instead of overreacting emotionally to negative stimuli, they shut down and stay quiet. There are a lot of good books out there on living with PTSD and trauma - check out what your local library has! It will definitely help to gain a wide idea of how PTSD can work and how best to approach it in a narrative.

[one-abuse-survivor]

I’m so scared that I might be completely heartless. Like, I know that as a kid, I was SUPER sensitive (HSP-level sensitive). But now, a decade later, and I feel like my emotions kinda…shut down? I don’t usually care about people anymore, and that scares me. Sometimes I do, but I have a hard time imagining what love/caring feels like most of the time. I know that I still feel emotion (fear is common, happiness is often enough, anger is sometimes), but I am afraid I am devoid of empathy. Sometimes I still feel it out of nowhere, but that is not common.

On the other hand, I know that emotional abuse/emotional neglect can make people shut down emotionally.

I don’t even know what I’m getting at. I’m just scared.

I want to feel compassion, and care, and be a good person. I know that I always try to help people and make sure my friends are happy, and I am pretty sure that I care about them, since I feel happy whenever I see any of them. I look forward to being around them. I try to help them feel better when they are upset. But a lot of times, it feels like I am doing this robotically. Like my insides are empty. My mom says that I am a cold/heartless robot; that I am selfish and self-absorbed. What if she’s right, and I don’t realize it?

Is it possible to get emotions back?

Nonnie, you're right that emotional abuse and neglect can cause people to push down their emotions and dissociate from them to the point of feeling heartless and unable to name the emotions that they do feel. It's also true emotional abuse and neglect can cause people to become highly sensitive/hypervigilant and to resonate with the HSP label (personally, I used to resonate with it too, but now I understand the reasons it resonated were all trauma symptoms). Both things can happen to the same person at different stages—so, for example, if from a young age you were left to deal with constant emotional distress bigger than you could handle, it would make sense that there was a point where your brain went "I just can't handle this anymore" and shut your emotions out.

Your mom is wrong, nonnie. A cold, heartless and self-absorbed person would not want to feel compassion and empathy toward others and feel scared and frustrated when they can’t feel those things. A cold, heartless and self-absorbed person wouldn’t want to make their friends feel better despite being unable to identify any compassion or empathy within themself. 

In fact, you mentioned that empathy and compassion are the emotions that you have the most trouble feeling, but they were the ones that were strong enough 10 years ago for you to identify as highly sensitive. Do you think there’s a chance that your brain needed to shut down compassion and empathy in particular because it was those emotions that were the most distressing? When you go through emotional abuse or neglect, it’s common develop the need to constantly be in tune with other people’s emotions; it’s a survival strategy so you can always anticipate what mood your abuser’s gonna be in and what their needs are, and so you can meet those needs before they punish you for not doing it (aka, the "fawn" response). I know I, personally, used to feel like a horrible person because I couldn’t read my mother’s mind and couldn’t be more in tune with her needs than I already was. At the time, being able to read her mind was the only thing that felt like it could’ve kept me safe, because she expected me to always know what she was feeling and act accordingly.

If this resonates with you, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a point when your brain just couldn’t handle the constant stress of trying to please the people abusing and neglecting you, and decided to shut down the entire “caring for others” department in order to survive.

I think it’s also worth questioning how people reacted when you were sensitive as a kid, because if the people around you punished you or treated you like a burden for showing emotions, or otherwise made you feel unsafe for it, that could also have contributed to you needing to shut them down in order to survive. Especially if no one ever taught you how to process your emotions growing up. 

In any case, it is absolutely possible to get your emotions back, nonnie. But if shutting them down was a survival strategy, I think it’s important to not expect them to come back before you’re at a point in your life where you’re away from the abusive/neglectful situation and feel safe enough to accept and process the emotions that come your way. And I’d really advise doing this with the help of a therapist, if that's something you want. 

For now, while you can't get the help you need to handle this, I think it could help to focus on sensations and actions rather than emotions. For example, instead of trying to identify if you "feel happy" when you're around your friends, try to notice if your body feels lighter around them. Do you feel yourself smiling or talking or even singing more often when you're around them? Instead of trying to identify sadness, you can try to notice if your limbs feel heavier, or if it takes longer for your thoughts to come together. Instead of looking for anger, you can try to notice if you're snappier, if you have less patience or if you feel ready for a fight in certain situations. An inability to breathe, tightness in your chest, fidgeting, or actively having to relax your muscles because they're tense are all signs you might be anxious and not realise it. And, nonnie, having the drive to help your friends when they're struggling, looking forward to being around them and feeling good when they're around are signs you care about them.

Lastly, I also want to say that empathy and compassion aren't what defines a person. Not everyone feels empathy, or sympathy, or compassion, and that's okay. If you treat people with kindness and respect, that says so much more about you as a person than the internal processes you do or don't go through.

I hope some of this helps to hear, nonnie. I'm sending you a big virtual hug, and please know your mom saying those horrible things about you just proves that she's indeed emotionally abusive and that there's a reason you're going through all this.

Take care ❤️

[dekatsu]

This contains spoilers to the current bnha manga chapters.

Katsuki comes home to shut windows, drawn curtains and the lights shut off. The apartment is eerily silent as he makes his way from to the kitchen and dumps the groceries on the counter. He looks at his phone, makes sure there is nothing to worry about and pushes it back into his pocket.

The silence prevails as he makes his way to the bedroom and opens the door.

He’s not surprised, when a hand sneaks out and pulls him inside and down, shutting the door as soon as he’s inside. The windows are already barricaded with the smaller of two wardrobes in his room, cutting off any sources of light.

The hand across his chest tightens as Katsuki tries to turn for the lightswitch so he sighs and ducks back down instead. 

“Something is coming,” Deku whispers by his ear, pulling him closer still, until Katsuki can feel the tension in Deku’s body against his back. “We need to stay down until reinforcement arrives.”

At Katsuki’s nod, the room falls into silence, Deku’s harsh exhale cutting in every so often. Katsuki doesn’t say anything, merely leans back against Deku, until he feels Deku’s breathing even out. 

“Deku,” Katsuki tries, pulling on his hand, until he lets go. “Let’s wait over there.”

At first Deku resists but Katsuki has done this often enough to know he will give in. Slowly, with as much patience as he can muster, Katsuki pulls him over to the bed, lies down and pulls Deku along.

“Kacchan - ” Deku protests but Katsuki pulls stronger, not giving him any opportunity to get away. “We need to stay alert.”

“Right,” he says, still pulling on Deku, until he unwillingly lies down so that Katsuki can pull him into an embrace. “I’m alert.” 

“But in bed,” Deku hisses, grabbing tightly onto the fabric of his hoodie. “Your back is to the window and I can’t see because of you.”

“I’m alert,” he promises, pulling Deku closer still, until there is no room for him to move his head away from Katsuki’s chest. “How strong is the pain?”

“Stronger than a high-end Nomu.”

So, strong enough to need medication. Careful not to let go of Deku, he reaches over to the nightstand and pulls a bottle out of the top drawer. Once he makes sure that he has the right one, he shifts back and pulls Deku closer once more.

Deku tries to get up but when he realises that Katsuki doesn’t plan to move, he pulls Katsuki by the shoulders so hard that Katsuki is forced to look into his eyes. “Kacchan, please. Not here.”

Seeing the desperate look on Deku’s face, Katsuki sighs and gives in. “Alright,” he says and allows Deku to pull him off the bed and down, so that they can hide behind the bed frame. “This okay?”

Deku nods, crouches down in front of him. So Katsuki sits on the ground, back against the bedframe and pulls Deku into his embrace. Deku goes willingly, most likely because the position allows him to cover Katsuki better. 

“Deku.”

“What is it?”

Medicine, Katsuki thinks but bites it back with his frustration at the whole situation, a bottle of pills sitting in his hands. This shit is why they shouldn’t have let Deku take off alone with multiple quirks he can barely control and some psycho villains after his life. This is why Katsuki still can’t forgive All Might or the other heroes for their part in isolating Deku. 

Because everytime he gets a throbbing headache, he will mistake it for the fourth’s quirk and an attempt on his life, paranoia acting up to swallow his commonsense and leave him in this state of hypervigilance, which takes him right back to his flight from All for One. 

The psychiatrist blames ptsd; Katsuki blames everyone else’s stupid ass decision to send a sixteen year old with a hero complex, essentially alone, into a warzone.

“I’m here now,” he says instead of all that. He gets a blinding smile for his troubles and all his anger disappears, leaving a sense of defeat in its wake.

“I know.” Deku’s hand on the bed shifts down to Katsuki’s hair, the other resting on his shoulder. “You always come through.”

“That’s fucking right, I do.” He grins and allows Deku the kiss he presses into Katsuki’s hair. Then he swallows and holds the bottle up to Deku. “You should take this.”

Deku’s face falls, his eyes losing the small glint they had just gained. “Oh,” he whispers, visibly deflating in Katsuki’s arms. There is a new kind of tension in his body, his hands trembling with the understanding of the situation. Again. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it,” Katsuki grits, pressing the bottles into Deku’s hand, holding it steady. “You could have been right!”

“Right,” Deku says, opening the bottle and swallowing two pills at once. He throws the bottle onto the bed and avoids meeting Katsuki’s eyes as he tries to get up. 

“Yes,” Katsuki insists, pulling Deku back down and holding him tight. “‘S saved our lives often enough, hasn’t it. A few false alarms ‘re worth it.”

“Right,” Deku repeats but this time, he doesn’t try to get away, holds on as tight as Katsuki and presses his face against Katsuki’s skin. “I’ll figure this out again. I promise. Just - just wait for me.”

“Hell no,” Katsuki tells him and feels him tense up again. “You ain’t leaving me out again. Your brain is a mess, Deku. I’m going to help you out and then, maybe, I can come home to drawn curtains and anticipate you in my bed, instead.”

That earns him a wet laugh against his throat, followed by a kiss. So Katsuki gathers Deku up and pulls him back onto the bed as they wait for Deku’s headache to lessen and subdue. In the wake of his episode, Deku lies there, sleeping on Katsuki’s bed, traces of wetness on his lashes. 

Katsuki stares at him, long into the night and burns with the knowledge that he’s gotten stronger. Strong enough to rival Deku, who wields multiple quirks, almost to perfection.

He’s not getting left behind again.

[scripttraumasurvivors]

Hey hey! So I heard a lot about PTSD symptoms getting worse once a victim gets out of an abusive situation - I was wondering what kind of symptoms would be repressed during the situation, if I can say that. For context - it's a kid, was being physically abusive by his father, he got arrested, now he's with his mom but she's emotionally abusive so it's not like he's quite safe. Thank you for the hard work!! Take care!

So that’s complicated!

Let’s chat about what ‘symptoms getting worse’ can mean before we dive into character conversation.

Symptoms getting worse can mean

a) ‘a person goes from short term survival state, to shock to having symptoms’

Given the ‘short term’ there, I do mean for single (or ‘short term’) traumas versus say, someone in an abusive home. People can go through natural disasters/car accidents and seem fine for a period afterward only to have symptom issues later once what has happened has ‘sunk in’ so to speak. 

b) ‘a person goes from a long term survival state in an unsafe place to being in a safe place with maladaptive coping’

This one isn’t so much about ‘getting worse’ though it can appear that way on the outside. When someone is in an abusive situation there’s things they do to try and control the damage, both consciously and unconsciously- or to try and reclaim ground- both consciously and unconsciously.

Sneaking around the house at night to get food is a coping skill for a kid who is being neglected. Their hypervigilance of whether or not other people can hear them or see them is needed for their safety.

Sneaking around the house at night to get food as an adult in a non abusive household- maladaptive. Freaking out at their partner who got up to check on them? Maladaptive. It’s the left over fear response from when someone hearing them eat was Dangerous.

c) ‘survival state to break down’

Way back when I was in college- I was a multi-trauma survivor who had just left an unhealthy situation who was the retraumatized. As someone who had a life time of trauma experience, it didn’t stop me immediately.

But the body can only exist in a survival state for so long. I went from ‘here is a small handful of symptoms that really, aren’t obvious that they’re symptoms’ to full body break down. I know from the inside and looking back at that time that to me it /felt/ like I went from 0-100 in 60 seconds but the truth is it had been a slow simmering issue that suddenly hit an exponential curve. ‘Having issues sleeping’ escalated into ‘skipping nights’ went to ‘being awake for 70 hours straight’ (and do not argue with me about that not being possible- I fully accept that micro sleeps happened- that’s half the story. I would blink and fall over on a bus, I would blink and be in a plate of food. But that’s not *really* sleeping in a healthy sense, now is it?)

I went from food being a little bit hard to people asking when was the last time I ate and me telling them ‘but I ate lunch with you?’ only to find out that had been the day prior. 

And then I broke. Pink eye. Something that looked like mono. Double ear infection. And an infection that had made it’s way to my blood that almost was found too late. You can’t survive without sleeping and eating without wrecking your immune system.

d) Symptoms changed

Symptomology is complicated. And they don’t always stay the same. Nightmares come and go out of people’s lives. Flashbacks experience different phases of intensity- or change forms all together. Dissociation can range from ‘I feel a bit odd and spacey in my body’ to straight up ‘I attended the wrong class and didn’t notice, I only know a few days later because the notes are about a different subject entirely.’

If someone who is used to say- having a bit of a rough time falling asleep, being depressed and having trouble experiencing joy, and having nightmares-

ends up going through a shifting period where maybe they start getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night tops but no nightmares, and food issues they didn’t realize were a problem end up triggered, and they can feel joy but it’s super unstable and their emotions are on 10 all the time-

that can be seen as getting worse. 

And vice versa.

It isn’t that one set of symptoms is actually worse than the other- it’s that to the person experiencing them, the set they have more coping skills for is probably going to feel more stable. Or seem more stable to their friends and family.  After all, a lot of symptoms and coping skills aren’t seen as symptomology- they’re seen as ‘just the way that person is.’

Which is all to say-

I can’t tell you what symptoms your character wouldn’t have in an abusive situaton.

Some survivors of childhood abuse don’t experience flashbacks to abuse until they’re out of the abusive situation, but others are actively dealing with flashbacks while still in the traumatic place. 

Some survivors of childhood abuse have maladaptive experiences related to the kind of abuse they experienced. Someone who had food withheld might binge, someone who wasn’t allowed to sleep as much as they needed might start sleeping all day. Someone who wasn’t allowed to show emotions in the household may struggle with managing emotions outside of it- and seem to have ‘too many’ all the time.

And other simply follow the patterns that were already being bult- continuing to starve because eating feels wrong. Struggling to sleep or viewing sleep as for the weak, refusing to feel emotions.

It isn’t as simple as ‘here are the symptoms that can exist while trauma is still occuring and here are the ones that exist later.’

But I do think you’re right to have the change reflected in your writing. Your character is going to have to shift their coping mechanisms from one abusive situation to another. There are going to be ‘misfires’ and maladaptive moments (and possibly patterns.) There are going to be complicated emotional feelings about ‘why do I still feel like this- I’m not experiencing _______’ anymore and possibly guilt or feeling like they’re making a big deal out of nothing. Or maybe the opposite- where instead it’s ‘I’d rather get hit than this.’

Both happen in real life.

So it isn’t offensive to write one over the other. You just have to decide what you’re going to portray.

Hope that helps a bit!

TS

[overclocksaa]

 @bowcarried​ / Come on I can totally babysit Halley. I'm great with kids !!!

It’s not unusual, right?  For a new(ish) parent to be picky about who they entrust their tiny bundle of joy to?  And it may seem a little (a lot) hypocritical, but while the Avengers and their associates are all people he can trust to save the world, when it comes to Halley he is so hypervigilant it’d be funny if he wasn’t the one being so.

It’s not that he doesn’t trust Kate, okay.  He does.  She’s good.  Got a great head on her shoulders (most of the time).  Has proven her mettle in the crucible of saving the world.  Even manages to occasionally shame Clint into being a real adult from time to time, which is a feather in her cap; the supposedly more adult Avengers have been trying to get that to happen for years.

So it’s not about any of that.  It’s just...That’s his kid.  His...Infinitely powerful and particularly stubborn kid who has decided the combination of Steve Rogers’ chiseled-jaw hardheadedness and Tony’s refusal to be told no and listen to other people when he thinks he knows better is clearly the blueprint upon which to grow herself.  They are going to be in so much trouble in a few years.

It’s why who babysits her...Babysits her.  Doreen already has experience in that arena, with her time spent as Luke and Jess’s nanny, and with super babies specifically because of Dani.  The Unbeatable adjectival addition to Squirrel Girl is probably not actually literal, but it doesn’t hurt, either.  Or it could end up being like the Invincible in Iron Man’s; just there to make him feel better about feeling like a particularly jostled around can of Spam.  Either way.

And Logan is Logan.  He grumbles, he grouses, but he’s shockingly good with kids and killing him is typically more effort than most people want to go through, so he just seems like a good choice.  Cheap on that front, too.  Doreen’s learned how to innocently scalp on the babysitting fees.

But it’s not that he doesn’t trust Kate.  In a pinch, he’d definitely start combing for a backup hitter, and she’d be on the shortlist.

"It’s not that I’m not asking you to babysit because I don’t want you to.”  That’s true, too.  There might be more Clint influence than he’s particularly keen about in her whole...Thing.  But it’s not like they’re doing it on purpose.  He pauses, picking out a jelly filled from the box of donuts on the island, and then shoves the box across to her in silent offer.  “It’s just that we don’t really need one usually.  Not when it’s quiet like this.  She has to have her baby-granddad time with Jarvis during the day and if it’s not an all hands on deck, there’s no reason for Steve and me to leave.“

That last is still a slight bone of contention for him.  While it’s true, and he’s said since the beginning that having a kid means giving up a thing or two to make the time, he doesn’t like being left behind.  And typically he is the one volunteering begrudgingly to stay, because Captain America is a hell of a better motivator than Iron Man any day of the week in the field.  “Tell you what.  Date night’s next Tuesday.  Assuming Kang doesn’t show up or Fin Fang Foom doesn’t try to stomp on the Financial District, you can babysit.”

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 2.3.5 “The Little Girl All Alone”

“Only, as she fell prey to certain feelings, she rattled the handle of the bucket as much as she could while she walked. That made a noise, which kept her company.” This line really struck me as an interesting summary of so many of the characters in this book. Nearly all of the main or majorly recurring characters in this book are so lonely. So much of this book is different characters metaphorically rattling buckets in different ways.

This random woman that Cosette meets on the road is the opposite of Valjean meeting Madame De R--- way way back in 1.2.1. Mme De R--- was the one who stopped and spoke to Valjean and did the kindness of pointing out Myriel’s door. This random woman doesn’t do anything like that. She just keeps walking. The entire town knows who Cosette is and not a single person stops to help her.

God, I love the way Hugo writes children. He clearly was so lovely and patient and observant towards his kids and grandkids. All the little idiosyncrasies and quirks that we see Cosette and all the little kids at the convent exhibit are so believable and realistic.

We literally just had the ghosts of Waterloo wandering the plain, and here’s Cosette frightened of ghosts.

Thenardier is a wolf, but the Thenardiess tends to be more “foreign” wild animals. So far I’ve noted hyena and tigress. I’m not sure why she’s so different. It’s strange because the animals Hugo picks tend to be far less tameable than wolves and yet he has also described Mme Thenardier as essentially being tamed by her husband, since she’ll do anything he says and won’t argue despite being bigger and stronger than him.

“Darkness is dizzying. We need light; whenever we plunge into the opposite of day we feel our hearts chilled. When the eye sees darkness, the mind sees trouble.” This is such an interesting quote considering how often darkness helps save Valjean. But it’s also a quote that will be supported later on during discussions of Hugo’s social mines. Those who become accustomed to darkness, who utilize darkness, become Trouble which becomes Crime. The fact that Cosette is terrified of this darkness isn’t just an indication of her youth, it’s also an indication of her Goodness. She can navigate in the dark but she is scared of it.

“An outline of the Inconceivable emerges a few steps away with a spectral clarity. You see floating in space or in your brain something strangely vague and unseizable like the dreams of sleeping flowers.” Again, another little section where Hugo’s poetry really comes out. This visual is so pretty and almost whimsical considering he’s trying to talk about how creepy the forest at night is. These ghosts aren’t defined like the ghosts of Waterloo, and they’re not chimerical folklore like Valjean-as-the-Devil. They’re this weird in-between of terrified child and spiritual adult imagery.

Paris is also compared to a forest, and the gamin to a sparrow. But Cosette is not a sparrow, she’s a lark. It’s interesting to note that the next in line for abandonment after Cosette has left the Thenardiers is Gavroche, who has turned into a sparrow-gamin when we see him in Paris.

“Forests are apocalypses: a tiny soul’s beating wings make an agonizing sound beneath their monstrous vault.” I just finished reading Brighton Rock by Graham Greene and there’s a moment where he describes a seagull flying under a wharf as a songbird trapped in a cathedral. I get the same imagery here. This terror of something so much bigger than oneself, the need to escape, the feeling of doom or at least the feeling of being overwhelmed. A small child in the dark in a forest is like this absolute knowledge of how small and vulnerable and scared you are. And Cosette knows this; her eyes start getting wild, like she’s losing the human ability to reason and turning into that bird trapped in a cathedral, a sort of instinctive bestial fear.

(This is also the state Valjean is in when we first meet him.)

“Then, by some sort of instinct, to get out of this singular state, which she did not understand but which terrified her, she began to count aloud, one, two, three, four, up to ten, and when she had finished, she began again. This restored her to a real perception of things about her.” Cosette is able to break out of this animalistic fear-state. It’s also cool to see an example of calming techniques being used and effective 150 years ago.

This is kind of a tangent but whenever I read the sections about young Cosette with the Thenardiers I end up thinking about articles I’ve read about feral children or abusive/neglectful orphanages and how it affects the childrens’ ability to emote or the ways in which they respond to fear, threats, happiness, etc. I wonder if this ability to calm herself and pull herself out of that animalistic state is kind of this “power” Cosette has which protects her from becoming something more bestial. Her reaction to abandonment is different from Gavroche’s. Gavroche moves outward, becomes independent and social and courageous and sarcastic, connecting with everyone and no one. Cosette’s reaction is to move inward, to become speculative and quiet, to be wary of everyone and not really reach out. But this power she has prevents her from retreating too much into herself, into a place she cannot return from.

Poor Fantine sees her daughter’s fear and suffering. This is the last time, I think, that Fantine will be present in this way. Like Valjean’s whisper in her ear and the smile on the corpse’s lips, this brings Fantine to life for just a second. This reminds me of the dreams that Fantine has while Valjean is on the road to Arras. This is Fantine dreaming, this time from eternal sleep, watching as Valjean walks toward her daughter.

Although I just had a thought. When Valjean returns from Arras sans Cosette and visits Fantine, she wakes and says this to him: “Cosette? I knew you were there; I was asleep, but I saw you. I’ve been seeing you for a long time; I’ve followed you with my eyes all night. You were in a halo of glory, and all sorts of celestial forms were hovering around you.” Perhaps this dream wasn’t necessarily Fantine watching Valjean drive to Arras? Perhaps it was Fantine, so close to death, catching a glimpse behind the veil to the future her spirit will watch. Jupiter is the largest celestial body, and it’s large and visible here.

“She always imagined the Thenardiess nearby.” Ugh Cosette you poor thing. So much of her life is directed by fear and yet she has so much strength. Her strength and Valjean’s are paralleled again. She is strong enough to carry this full bucket, but she has to stop and rest, to regain her energy. But she is strong enough, just like her will is strong enough to withstand the emotional and physical abuse and abandonment she has lived with for the past 7 years. And we’ll see that strength change when she leaves but it doesn’t leave her.

“A man who had come up behind her and whom she had not heard. This man, without saying a word, had grasped the handle of the bucket she was carrying.” Valjean that’s so creepy. Valjean is magical here. Cosette is terrified; just moments ago she was hypervigilant about every sound of animals in the woods on the sides of the path. But she doesn’t hear Valjean’s approach at all, doesn’t even notice him until he lifts the bucket from her grasp. From the moment prisoner-Valjean fell from the side of the Orion, Valjean has been incorporeal. He’s no longer 9430, he’s no longer M Madeleine, and he hasn’t been mentioned since the fall. This is Valjean materializing as a new form, this poor-rich man in a yellow coat.

[sugarandspace]

Unlocked window (Sterek)

(posted on AO3 under the pseud aconitum)

Summary:  Stiles has a panic attack while being home alone with their five-year-old son

Word count: 2,054

Warnings: panic attack

Read on AO3

It’s been a very stressful week for them all since an unfamiliar werewolf pack had unexpectedly arrived in Beacon Hills. The pack hasn’t done anything yet, but from what Stiles has gathered from Peter and Derek, it’s only a matter of time. They know the Alpha of the pack and they know he doesn’t like to play by the rules.

Derek had suggested that Stiles leaves the town with their 5-year-old son Joel until they find out what brought the pack to Beacon Hills, and potentially make the pack leave if they are here to cause trouble.

Stiles hadn’t left, not really having anywhere to go and not wanting to leave his family and pack. He had faith that if something went wrong, the pack would be able to help. This wasn’t the first threat in the town and it wouldn’t be the last.

That didn’t mean that Stiles wasn’t constantly worried.

And it was starting to show.

It had been too many nights since he’d last slept well. He knew that he was being hypervigilant, waiting for the moment when shit would eventually hit the fan. He wasn’t really worried for himself, but he would never forgive himself for not leaving the town if something were to happen to Joel.

That’s why, when Stiles goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water for Joel who’s playing in the living room, an unlocked window above the sink makes Stiles’ heart rate spike up.

He remembers opening the window this morning when he was cooking breakfast and accidentally forgot the eggs on the stove for too long when he went to wake up Joel. He’d gotten back to the kitchen to the smell of burnt food and had opened the window for a while to let fresh air in. He’d closed the window later when it had gotten too cold in the room. Apparently, he had forgotten to lock it.

He’s been home the whole day and would definitely have noticed if someone were to have sneaked into the house through the window. There aren’t any hiding places in the kitchen, and to get to the other parts of the house one would have to walk through the living room, where Stiles and Joel have been spending time after breakfast. Stiles is sure there’s no one in the house right now except for him and his son.

He’s lucky he noticed it now, but he can’t help but think what could have happened if he hadn’t. If they’d gone to bed tonight, with the door safely locked but with a window unsecured for anyone to use it to get into the house.

Stiles’ heart beats fast and he feels the glass slip from his fingers into the sink, but he barely registers the noise, the sound of blood rushing in his ears overpowering it. Stiles feels lightheaded and he has trouble breathing.

He’s having a panic attack.

The realisation only makes it worse, because he’s home alone with Joel and he can’t have a panic attack now. He can’t defend them when he’s like this. He’s the worst father ever.

His legs feel weak and he has to slide down to the floor, to turn so his back is against the cabinets under the sink.

He tries to regulate his breathing but he can’t, too overcome with the panic.

“Dad?”

Stiles snaps his head up and opens his eyes - when had he closed them? - and sees Joel walking to the kitchen. The child sees him on the floor and runs the rest of the way to where he’s sitting.

“Dad?!” He asks, looking scared. “Dad, what’s going on?”

Stiles reaches his shaking hand towards Joel and takes his small hand to his, holding it and hoping that it brings his son at least a little comfort.

“It’s okay,” he says between gasping breaths. “Dad will be okay.”

He hates that Joel is witnessing this, hates that he can’t do anything to take that worried look away from his face.

He doesn’t register a door opening, but it must have, because suddenly Joel is screaming.

“Papa!” He yells with tears falling down his cheeks. “Papa come help dad!”

Stiles looks at the doorway to the kitchen and sees Derek rush into the room, Isaac following after him.

Derek rushes to his side and kneels on the floor.

“Stiles.”

Stiles closes his eyes tightly and tries to fucking breathe, but he can’t make his body cooperate.

“Isaac,” Derek says and looks to the doorway where the beta is still standing. “Can you go to the living room with Joel?”

“I don’t want to leave dad!” Joel screams and Stiles can feel his little hand squeeze Stiles’ clammy hand tighter.

“Just for a little while,” Derek says, his voice calm. “I’m going to help dad and then you can see him again, okay?”

Trusting his father, Joel replies with a weak, “Okay.”

Isaac comes closer and picks him up, and Stiles can feel his hand slipping from his before he disappears from his sight.

Derek cups his cheek gently, turning Stiles’ head from the doorway so that he’s looking at Derek.

“It’s okay,” Derek says. “Everything is okay Stiles. He’s safe with Isaac and you’ll be okay too. I need you to breathe, okay?”

Stiles sucks in a shaky breath and coughs it out almost immediately. Derek takes his hand and places it on his chest. Derek breathes in deeply and Stiles can feel his chest move under his hand. Having Derek at home makes him feel safer and he trusts Isaac with Joel, and the knowledge that everything truly is okay makes his heart slowly calm down.

They stay like that, with Stiles trying to regulate his breathing and with Derek speaking calm reassurances every now and then. When the worst of it fades they end up with their foreheads against each other’s, Derek’s steady breaths a calming feeling against Stiles’ mouth. Stiles knows his cheeks are wet with tears tracks but he doesn’t want to move away to brush them away.

“Thank you,” Stiles breathes out when he’s finally breathing normally. He feels exhausted like he just ran a marathon, and he lets his body slowly relax against the cabinets, the hand he has fisted in Derek’s shirt slowly uncurling from its grip. He brushes it up Derek’s chest so it’s resting against his neck, and focuses on the steady pulse under his hand.

Derek tilts his head up slowly, his nose trailing up the length of Stiles’ and up further until his lips reach Stiles’ forehead. Derek leaves a soft kiss there, one that lingers and makes Stiles relax even further. He sighs and opens his eyes when Derek pulls away.

“You okay?” Derek asks, his eyes searching Stiles’.

“Yeah,” Stiles says and nods. Then he closes his eyes again and hits his head back against the cabinets. “I’m the worst dad.”

Derek puts his hand between the cabinets and Stiles’ head when he tries to hit it again, ”You are not. You’re a wonderful dad and Joel thinks so too.”

Stiles looks at him with a frown on his face, wanting to believe but not sure if he can.

“Even after what just happened?” He asks. “He shouldn't have to see me so weak. I shouldn’t be so weak when I’m alone with him.”

“It’s not like you can decide when to have a panic attack,” Derek tells him. “And I’m sure he doesn’t think that you’re weak. He’s seen you banish a demon. That little guy knows how strong his dad is.”

They’ve tried their best to shield Joel from the more dangerous parts of the world, but unfortunately those dangerous parts are very much a part of their lives. Joel has definitely seen more than a five-year-old should have, but so far he’s been dealing with it all pretty well.

“I want to see him,” Stiles says. He wipes the tears from his cheeks and clears his throat as Derek helps him stand.

They go to the living room together and they find Isaac sitting on the couch with Joel in his lap, leaning against Isaac with his head hidden against the werewolf’s chest. He’s no longer crying but Stiles can see his shuddering breaths shake his small frame as Isaac talks to him calmly.

Isaac notices them first and whispers something to Joel’s ear. Stiles assumes that he told him that they are in the room because Joel turns around to look at them and jumps out of Isaac’s lap so he can rush to Stiles.

Stiles bends down to pick him up and hugs him back tightly when Joel wraps his arms around Stiles’ neck and hides his face in Stiles’ shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Joel asks.

“I am,” Stiles says. “Papa helped me.”

“What happened?” Joel asks, and Stiles stops to think for a moment, unsure how to explain a panic attack to a five-year-old. In the end, he ends up with a simplified version of the truth, because Joel is smart, and he deserves to know what happened instead of getting brushed off.

“It’s called a panic attack,” Stiles starts. “I get them sometimes. They make me feel really bad for a moment but they always pass. I’m sorry you had to see it.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help,” Joel says. Stiles can hear him sniffle next to his ear.

“But you did help,” Stiles corrects him. “You got papa. And you were so brave.”

Stiles punctuates his words with a kiss to Joel’s temple and they stay like that for a while before he lowers him back down. He feels exhausted and still a little shaken, so he looks at Derek and speaks.

“I think I’m going to go upstairs and take a short nap,” he says.

Derek leans to kiss him softly and nods.

“Can I come too?” Joel asks. He looks hopeful, like he really doesn’t want to let Stiles out of his sight any time soon.

“I’m just going to sleep,” Stiles tells him. He smiles slightly in hopes that it will make Joel feel better. “I’m a bit too tired to do anything fun right now, but we can do something after dinner today. Is that okay?”

Joel nods, “But can I still come?”

“Of course,” Stiles says. If Joel wants to come to lay with him for a moment Stiles isn’t going to say no. He knows Joel will get bored eventually, but he’s not about to make that decision for him. He feels so tired he’s going to be able to fall asleep even with a fidgeting child next to him.

Stiles gives Joel his hand and they start heading towards the stairs. On their way past the couch, Stiles nods at Isaac and mouths a quiet “thank you” which is accepted with a smile and a nod.

Once in the bedroom, they get on the bed on top of the covers. Stiles takes the blanket from the end of the bed and pulls it over them as he lays down and Joel gets close to him. Joel must be more tired than Stiles realised, because he doesn’t fidget, nor does he try to start a conversation. He lays still against Stiles’ side with Stiles’ arm wrapped around him, and in the end, Stiles isn’t sure which one of them falls asleep first.

Before he can fall asleep, a few things go through Stiles’ tired mind. As much as he knows that what happened wasn’t his fault, that he couldn’t control it, it doesn’t stop him from feeling bad. All panic attacks suck, but this one definitely made its way to Top Three Most Awful Panic Attacks Ever. He knows it’ll take a while until Joel is truly convinced that he’s okay. He also knows that he can’t keep going like this, and really needs to consider leaving the town with Joel for a little while if the situation doesn’t calm down soon. He’ll talk to Derek, tell him what caused the panic attack and how he’s feeling about the situation. He knows the other man was dying to ask more questions earlier but refrained so Stiles could see Joel faster.

They are going to talk and figure out the situation. He’s just going to sleep a little first.