#I also don’t really trust myself and I’m so scared of being mean or hurting other people because my teachers called me mean and entitled and

[glittertimes]

I think I finally understand what’s at the root of all my weird little problems and why I have such a hard time connecting with my body.

I do so much work to read and be smart as a defensive mechanism because I’m a really kind caring person and that makes me a little naive and I look a lot younger than I am so I feel like people think I’m easy to manipulate.

But then there’s a part of me that feels like it’s not safe to be smart, and that sounds so weird and counterintuitive but I realized it’s because I’m terrified of being seen.

Like if I’m smart I’m going to have to act on it and challenge people and that’ll bring attention on me that I don’t want to deal with so I’ll continue to be the kind naive nice girl even if people are mistreating me because it’s not safe to be seen it’s not safe to be smart.

Like my body will not use basic protection methods like setting boundaries, saying no or standing up for myself because that requires me to get over that fear of being seen. Like my body fears being seen more than it fears being mistreated and that’s kind of terrifying.

[amourane]

kick in the right direction

pairing: football player!seungcheol x mascot!reader

genre: fluff, university au

w/c: 0.9k

summary: seungcheol is the star football player in your university but he becomes a bumbling mess in front of you.

warnings: none, you do get hit by a ball though

a/n: i have decided to start writing fics for seventeen too because i just love them way way too much <3 also disclaimer this post used to be under my old url httphannie <3

Seungcheol doesn’t know what to say. He usually has an explanation for his actions. There doesn’t seem to be anything coming to his mind when he sees you on the ground. The problem with being the star player on the football team was the amount of trust his coach put on him. As well as the thought that they needed to win every game, that wasn’t a problem though because Choi Seungcheol was a beast when he was in game mode. His aim was the best on the whole team, he’d never missed a goal. 

Obviously today was an off day.

“You’re staring, Cheol.” Jeonghan gives him a hearty slap on the back. “You really like our school mascot don’t you?” All Seungcheol can do is nod, watching as Seungkwan helps you up.

He really wants to go over and say sorry for nearly knocking you out with his kick but he can’t. Not because he doesn’t want to but because he simply can’t. It’s stupid really. Choi Seungcheol, star player of the football team, can’t say two words when he’s faced with you. He’s tried speaking to you. Once after a game, not the best choice because he’d become so nervous he spilt his water bottle all over you. Even after you told him it was fine he was still stuttering his words. Another time he’d managed to catch you walking down the hallway. The moment you smiled and said ‘hi’ his mind blanked. No words could come out of his mouth and he stood there gaping like a goldfish.

Talking to girls was easy for Seungcheol. He could give them a smile and they’d be fawning all over him. You were different. There isn’t one time he’s had a full conversation with you with nothing embarrassing happening. He’d stumble over his words or nothing would come out of his mouth. The only thing that kept him from giving up was the fact you would grin every time he came up to you and he didn’t like giving up.

“Of course I like her!” Seungcheol runs a hand through his hair. “I just don't know what to do?”

“You could ask her out.”

“I can’t!” 

His friend arches an eyebrow, clearly puzzled. "What do you mean you can't ask her out? Like you're scared, or you don't know how to, because those two are completely different things." Jeonghan's tone is gentle but probing, urging Seungcheol to confront the root of his hesitation.

“That’s not it. I’ve got everything planned out. I know what to say and I know where I want to bring her to. There’s a whole plan in my notebook, it’s coloured in and everything!”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Seungcheol fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “Whenever I go up to her to ask her out my throat closes and I can’t find the right words. Or when I try to even write my confession, my hand freezes and no letters can be written. It’s even worse because I manage to make a fool of myself whenever I’m in front of her!” He kicks the football away.

Jeonghan sighs, staring at Seungcheol as he aimed a perfect kick to the goal. The boy was completely enamoured by you. Practically the whole school knew about his crush on you. Everyone was just waiting for the day the both of you would come in hand in hand. 

//

“Y/n, oh my god! Are you okay?” Seungkwan was shaking you by your shoulders. You rub your head. That football was really hard. Who knew air could hurt you? “How many fingers am I holding up?” He waves three fingers around and your eyes struggle to adjust to his trembling hand.

“Calm down. I just got hit in the head, I don’t have a concussion or anything.” You just know there’s going to be a huge bump on your forehead tomorrow. “It’s partly Stuart’s fault.” You pat the dragon costume you had on. The fuzzy green body was heavy and the long swishy tail at the back was quite annoying to lug around.

"Why are you blaming our mascot? Stuart did nothing wrong," Seungkwan interjects, shooting a pointed glare at Seungcheol. "Star player my ass." He mutters under his breath, clearly unimpressed.

“Hey, don’t blame him. I’m sure it was an accident.” You give Seungcheol a little smile and an ‘okay’ sign to tell him everything was fine. 

“I can’t believe you like that dumbass, he can’t string two sentences together when he’s in front of you.” Seungkwan helps you up, handing you Stuart’s head. You dust off the dirt on your costume. 

What was there not to like about Choi Seungcheol? He was popular, athletic, smart and talented in everything. Not to mention he was the literal definition of eye candy. There hadn’t been many occasions where you two had met. He’d always stutter helplessly or his cheeks would resemble a fire truck, which was very endearing. It was quite funny seeing him stumble over his words whenever he tried to ask you out.

“Why don’t you just ask him out? You already know he likes you, not that he makes it the most obvious thing in the world.” 

“But isn't it just the cutest thing when he tries to ask me out but he’s a stuttering blushing mess?” You giggle when you catch sight of the pout Seungcheol has on his face. “I hope he asks me out soon though, I can’t wait to finally go on a date with him.” 

The smile you shoot at Seungcheol has him tripping over his feet, face planting into the ground. Suppressing your laughter behind your hand, you watch as he hurriedly picks himself up, only to see his teammates rolling on the floor with amusement.

“How long are you even willing to wait?”

“As long as it takes.”

[theresstillgrowinghere]

I don’t often find I have much to say during chronic illness awareness months anymore. I’m tired. My words feel tired. I don’t feel like I have anything new to add. Sometimes I worry though that that in part comes from my having been in various digital chronic illness spaces for almost a decade. Of course it feels tired to me. There are things that rattle around my brain that feel so obvious and commonplace (and that have been said much more eloquently by others before me) but may still be worth expressing, just judging by the ways people in my life haven’t been able to understand

So for gastroparesis awareness month this year, there are a few things I want to note from my experiences (tw for food/eating, weight without numbers, medical trauma)

1) My relationship with food is so scarred and multifaceted. It is messy and thorny, conflicting and complicated

(I am scared of food. I miss food. I hate food. I want to eat so badly. I never want to think about eating again. Tell me in detail about how it tasted. I love food. Please don’t ask me to join you for a meal. I don’t want to miss the communal aspects of eating. I feel so disconnected and other and separate just because I don’t eat. Sometimes I do try to eat and it makes me sick. Don’t comment on it, please; it’s not helpful to scold or encourage - I feel shame either way)

2) There is no cure. There is only management. I think people understand this in theory more than actuality, because when I say this I mean please, please stop expecting any management option to be The Thing. Please don’t expect something to offer substantial improvement, even if it is a life-saving dramatic change. As I have tried to explain to people in my life, those types of interventions are often complicated and risky and, in our broken healthcare system, very difficult to access until the situation truly is dire and life-threatening. Which can mean that the body takes significant damage before getting there. Sometimes by the time you access the intervention, that damage is irreversible and the goal is just to stop further decline. It’s not making me better; it’s keeping me from getting worse. For some reason that’s difficult for people to understand

(But sometimes people do find what for them is The Thing or are The Things, and that’s an important piece of the whole picture. The problem is the persistence of unrealistic expectations among people around us)

3) My relationship with healthcare is vital but fraught and heavy. I rely on it tremendously just to stay alive. It is also my only in-person access to the world and to people, which is a weird kind of mindfuck. But I am also deeply afraid of it after so many years of trauma. I am terrified of hospitals and medical professionals. I’m sorry for the way that fear makes me irrational, makes me assume, makes me protect myself. I know so many medical professionals are so caring and kind, but it is very, very hard to go into a medical setting trusting that that will be the case

4) There are some things I wish truly were obvious. Like don’t comment on someone’s weight, ever. Don’t say you wish you could “have a little of that” to change your appearance. Don’t try to convince me to “just try to eat a little.” Trust that I know my body best. Don’t offer me unsolicited advice or recommendations. Don’t say “when you get to be my age…” because I will point out that, based on the amount of damage to my body already, it is very possible I will never reach your age. But more to the point, I am not too young to be this sick. It happens

Anyway, these are my 3am-notes-app, camped-out-on-the-bathroom-floor thoughts. It is also important to note that they exist in the context of my gastroparesis being born of and coexisting with my other chronic illnesses, and they all become so deeply entangled

Wishing everyone well. Hoping your August is kind and gentle

To everyone with gastroparesis (and other digestive disorders, really), I’m sorry your tummy hurts, and no, you actually don’t need to be very brave about it. As I heard someone say recently in a different context but definitely applies here as well, “We weren’t born to be fighters. I don’t want to be brave. I want to be okay.” I just want all of us to be okay

[astrow0rldx]

18+ My own tarot reading by AI

so I did a tarot reading on this guy i like using my own tarot cards and typing it into AI. the only context i gave ai was the genders and the cards and said make a story. GPT is crazy. idk if you guys have to know me enough by my blog, in real life, the actual dynamic, etc. to understand how accurate this is but i decided to share this tip and this reading energy with you guys <3

his energy towards me:

I’ve watched her for some time now, and there’s something in her presence that pulls me in like nothing I’ve ever felt. Maybe it’s her youth—the way she moves through life with such fire, so much energy, like she hasn’t yet learned to slow down. It makes me feel both old and alive all at once. She’s different. She’s fresh, untamed, with a wildness that I can’t quite control, and that’s what makes me want her even more.

I see her again. The way she looks at me when she thinks I’m not paying attention—the flicker of curiosity in her eyes, the unspoken invitation. She knows what she’s doing, and so do I. We’ve been dancing around this tension for a while now.

What excites me about her isn’t just the youthfulness, the smooth skin, the bright eyes—it’s the idea that I could mold this connection. I want to take her and guide her, show her things she’s never experienced before, things only someone I could teach. That thought alone sends a surge of heat through my body. There’s power in it. The idea of control, of being the one who leads, the one who takes. I imagine how she’d respond to me—eager, curious, and willing to explore every inch of her body under my touch.

But it’s not just lust. It goes deeper than that. In the quiet moments, when I’m alone, I think about her. I picture her in my bed, the softness of her body pressed against mine. I wonder what it would feel like to watch her surrender, to give herself fully to me. And I think about how I would take my time with her—no need to rush. I’d savor every second, every breath, every sound she makes. She wouldn’t just be a conquest, no. She’s more than that.

There’s a possessiveness in how I feel. I want to make her mine, completely, utterly. I want to be the only one who knows what it’s like to touch her, to have her. It’s not enough to just take her body—I want her heart, her soul. And in those fantasies, she’s always willing, always ready for me. I imagine her looking up at me with those wide eyes, waiting for my next move, trusting me to lead her into something deeper, darker. I want to show her everything, to let her feel things she’s never felt before.

Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about her in the strangest moments. At work, during meetings, even when I’m with other people. I’ll see something—a glance, a touch—and my mind will drift back to her, to what we could have together. It’s like she’s taken root in my thoughts, a constant presence that I can’t shake. And the more I think about her, the more I want her.

There’s also something dangerous in these feelings. I’m cautious, always calculating. I’ve been hurt before, and I know the risks of giving too much too soon. But with her, it’s different. I want to open up, to let her see me for who I really am. And maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to her—because she makes me feel like I could be vulnerable again. But that’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it? Vulnerability can lead to pain, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Even with all the desire, there’s a part of me that hesitates. Maybe it’s because I know this can’t just be about sex. She’s the kind of woman who could turn my world upside down, and that scares me more than anything. I’ve spent years building walls, protecting myself from emotions that run too deep. But when I think of her, those walls start to crack. And that’s where the confusion sets in. I want her, but I’m afraid of what having her might mean.

In the end, I know I can’t hold back forever. The pull is too strong. She’s too captivating, too tempting, and every part of me screams to make a move. But I have to be careful. I want to do it right. I want to make sure that when I take her, she knows it’s more than just lust. It’s about control, power, desire—but also something deeper, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. the fact that she could be the one to make me feel again

[carlsangel]

DIFFERENCES

ron anderson x reader

(you’d hate to care again after the death of your family, until you meet ron.)

tags: fluff!

masterlist here!

carl grimes masterlist here!

After losing your family, your life was miserable. No matter how long you trudged through the woods, you never ended up anywhere. The thought of reconnecting with someone only hurt you, you could only imagine what could happen to them and the pain you’d be put through once again.

You knew if you ever were to cross anyone again, you’d leave them be. If they offered you anything, you wouldn’t take it. Building new relationships to lose wasn’t something you were looking for. Some might’ve called you stubborn or introverted. You’d say you were just being smart.

You did actually cross a good amount of people during your travels, usually families that were missing a sibling or parents, you could tell they wouldn’t last long so you never really planned on sticking with them. Why would you put yourself through that pain?

You tried your hardest, some offers were tempting and as ungrateful as you felt not accepting them, you knew it was for the best.

Except one.

One day you were walking through the woods, like you had been for what felt like months. You heard shuffling through the woods and you stopped in your tracks. You place your hand on the handle of your large knife that rested in a holster on your hip. You look around, listening for anything which it wasn’t loud so you knew it wasn’t a walker. It was a human.

The next thing you know, a girl pops out from behind a tree. She seems about your age, maybe nothing to worry about. Regardless, you still pull your knife out. Who wouldn’t?

“Chill…Im not gonna hurt you or anything.” She explains with a calm tone, walking passed to sit against a fallen log behind you. You turn to look at her and you say nothing. “Well are you gonna sit?” She adds. “I don’t even know you.” You put your knife back into its holster. “So? Can’t just sit and be a human with me?” She retorts. “I’m actually not sure I want you to. It looks and…no offense- smells like you’ve been out here for a while.”

Ouch okay. “Well hate to tell you there’s not many bathing opportunities out here.” You tell her. She looks up at you and laughs. “No I know. I arrived at the gates in a pretty disgusting state.” She looks down at her hands, picking at the skin at the side of her nails. “Gates? What gates?”

You study the way she looks at you, she realizes she didn’t mean to say what she did. She stands back up. “I guess if I’m inviting you in, i’ll introduce myself. I’m Enid.” She puts her hand out for yours. You look down at it and then back up at her. “Whatever offer it is you’re making me, I won’t take it.”

She scoffs and drops her hand, crossing her arms in an annoyed manner. “I used to be like you, you know. I didn’t want to join or trust new people in case I lost them. Alexandria…it’s different. it’s scary how normal it is, I get scared I’ll forget.” She explains. “That’s why I sneak out here. But there I get hot showers, lemonade…even movies.” She adds. You perk up at the mention of movies.

Movies were always special to you. So you gave in.

─── ⋆⋅ ꩜ ⋅⋆ ───

Enid was right, Alexandria was weird. The people were normal, not to mention ignorant to the outside. Most of them had been living there since the start. They didn’t know anything. You were interviewed which you were easily assigned to a house, you got a room in Olivia’s place where Enid was also staying.

She felt super protective of you, she’d come with you when she introduced you to everyone, including a guy named Ron. He caught your eye immediately, he was super good at making conversation with you. Although, Enid thought he was quite annoying, mostly due to the fact that he talked a lot but you liked that.

You thought you’d be annoyed with how outgoing he was, rather than being a pest he was more like a breath of fresh air. He made you realize how much you’d been missing out, how much of the old world you’d forgotten. Every time he asked you to hang out, Enid would smile at you teasingly, knowing he had the biggest crush on you.

One particular day, he had a plan to ask you out. He’d made everything perfect, just for you. He was able to find your favorite movie and snacks. He found a soft blanket he thought you’d like and he invited you over.

“Hey…” He approached you and Enid while you were sitting on the bench under the gazebo in Alexandria. Enid was writing in her journal and you were drawing. You both look up and you smile, Enid looks back down at her drawing. “Hi.”

He looked over at your sketchbook to see what you were drawing. “Is that…” he giggles, “Is that a fox?” You’re sort of embarrassed, you were never the most confident in your drawings but it made you happy. Some days when you were on your own in the woods you’d draw in the dirt, or when you found paper you’d draw on that too.

“Uhh yeah it’s a fox.” You look down at it and then back up at him with a smile. He just adores you, he thinks you’re so sweet and despite your differences, all he wanted to do was please you. So you like foxes, that’s something he already knew. He’d asked Enid about your favorite movie. “Some…fox movie? I dunno they nerded out about the director like it mattered anymore. Wes Anderson or something.” She told him.

The amount of digging Ron did to find Fantastic Mr. Fox for you was astounding. He asked everyone in Alexandria, knocked on every door, he’d even asked Aiden to try and find him one at the nearest RedBox kiosk. God knows how he would’ve gotten that shit out the machine but he ended up finding one at a Blockbuster instead.

“Speaking of foxes…” he started, “I was thinkin you could come over again tonight to watch a movie. I just found a Fantastic Mr. Fox DVD…if that’s somethin you’re interested in.” He explains, knowing full well you’d agree. Which you did and it was evident that you were happy about it considering the look on your face. You were absolutely ecstatic, you’d watched the movie before the world died and most of the time it was all you ever thought about.

“R-really? Fantastic Mr. Fox? I love that movie!” The smile on your face felt so rewarding for him. He smiled at your excitement. “Yeah I found some uh..popcorn too.” You nod as he speaks, youve been sold since he mentioned the movie. “Yeah I’ll be over tonight.” You smile brightly. “Cool. It’s a date.”

Well that just slipped out of his mouth and he scolded himself in his brain for it. Was that too forward? “Yeah, it’s a date.” You reply.

Wait really?

He just smiled and nodded before walking back to his house, he had to mentally and physically prepare. You turn back to Enid and she’s giving you a taunting smile. “What?” You ask, she just shakes her head at you, believing you’re truly oblivious. “You know he means that, right? Like he actually thinks it’s a date.”

“Yeah. I know.”

─── ⋆⋅ ꩜ ⋅⋆ ───

That night you didn’t do anything special when getting ready, you did everything as normal. You expected your date to be normal as well. You’d liked Ron for a while, you were excited for what tonight would bring. You happily knock on his door and after a couple seconds of shuffling around he opens it to be greeted with your bright smile. “Hey. Come in.” He makes room for you to walk through the door and you make your way over to the couch where you guys always hung out. Alone that is.

You plop down on your usual spot and he sits next to you, hitting play on the movie. You’re immediately enamored by the film and get quite invested. Ron on the other hand was invested in you. He loved the way you loved. Everything about the way that you cared about the most beautiful things, only made you more beautiful in his eyes.

By the end of the night, he practically missed the entire movie. He made some sweet gestures, giving you the snacks you liked and snaking his hand into yours. He even walked you out. But he couldn’t say goodbye without doing one thing first.

“I really appreciate it, the movie. It really means alot.” You tell him, standing at his doorstep about to part ways. “Well, you mean a lot to me. I had to.” His fingers were still intertwined with yours, you could feel his hands tensing up. “Thank you.” You beam. He nods and can feel you pulling away to leave. Before you do, he pulls you back in, kissing you sweetly.

You can’t say you were surprised.

When you pulled away, he felt a sense of relief, finally getting the hard part out of the way. Now it was to find out whether or not you were okay with it. He tried to make it as simple as possible, a simple yes or no.

“So…I’ll see you tomorrow?” He waits patiently for your answer.

“Yeah, at the gazebo. It’s a date.”

a/n: tell me why this took me SO FUCKING LONG. AND ITS SO LONG. guys im distraught. i projected alot of myself into this fic for some reason, meaning my favorite movie is in fact fantastic mr fox i never stfu about it. anyway. one of my million gazillion fics to publish XP

tag list: @zomb-1-egutzz @evilnight07 @ilikestrawberriesandwomen

[psychovigilantewrites]

Sunshine's Shadow

Pairing: Jason Todd/Reader, Dick Grayson/Reader Genre: Slow burn smut? Porn with plot? Like eventually??? Word Count: 7,600 Read on Ao3 Part 1 of 2. Summary: You had powers of darkness that made you feel unwanted your whole life. Jason Todd was the first person to convince you that your darkness was sunshine. After his death, you went to Dick for comfort and started a relationship with him. And then, Jason came back. A/N:

I'm practicing writing again to prepare myself for the last chapter of Red Who? I'm not too happy with how I wrote this, but I'm hoping to start improving again along the way as I write and learn all over again. Also, I am not familiar with Titans! I know Jason never really joined? I just winged it I'm so sorry. I also aged up Jason's death here. I think the timeline is a bit messy pls forgive me.

Jason knocked on your door.

“Come in,” he heard your soft, muffled voice.

You were sitting on your bed, scrolling through your phone. You had soft instrumental music playing in your room. The table lamp was switched on on your bedside table, but the room was still dark.

“We’re getting ready for a spooky movie tonight,” Jason said, closing the door behind him and approaching you. “Care to join us this time?”

Your eyes darted from your phone to his, and you pursed your lips in hesitation.

“No thank you, I’m fine here,” you said and brought your attention back to your phone.

Jason sighed loudly and sat on the edge of your bed.

“Why don’t you ever join us?” he asked, “We’re the Teen Titans. We’re a team. You should join us for more team stuff besides official missions.”

You simply stared at Jason. He sensed that you had more to say but was hesitating opening up. So he got up and sat next to you. “You can tell me.”

“The room is dark, isn’t it?” you asked.

The question surprised Jason. “I mean, I guess? So what?”

“That’s me, Jason. You know how my powers work. This- this curse. The shadow I emit makes everything dark and gloomy, even if it’s a sunny day outside. And no one likes someone who brings darkness in a room,” you avoided his eyes and started picking at a hangnail on your finger.

“That’s why you won’t hang out with us?” he couldn’t help but laugh. “I thought you hated us or something.”

“What?” you looked at him incredulously, “How could I? I was afraid that you all hate me for being so depressing.”

“Has anyone told you that before?” Jason asked. He didn’t know much about where you came from, but he knew that you went to a lot of different schools and orphanages. An outsider, not unlike himself.

“The kids were always scared of me,” you confessed quietly, “They refused to play with me. That was fine, but then soon after they would bully me. Make fun of me, push me down, kick me. Reminded me again and again that I was a freak.”

For some reason, Jason always had the urge to protect you, even though you were slightly older than he was. Now that urge was stronger and he wanted to hurt anyone who hurt you, to shield you from all that negativity.

“Well,” he began, “I don’t know about those assholes, but whenever I see you, I never saw darkness.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Really!” he insisted, “I see a girl who likes to read, and who likes music. I see you smile whenever Roy and Jackson bicker. And when Wally does that thing where he starts vibrating when he eats? And on the field? The way you protect everyone, the way we can all trust that you have our backs.”

Jason held your eyes. “I don’t see any darkness. In fact, I see sunshine! Because whenever you’re around, it makes us all feel warm and safe.”

He saw the way you were trying hard to not let the tears brimming your eyes fall. “You’re not lying.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

“Of course I’m not,” he confirmed. “Have I ever lied to you?”

“I guess not,” you sniffled, “I can tell when people lie. And you have never lied to me.”

“What do you mean you can tell when people lie?”

“I don’t know. It’s sort of always been a thing I could do,” you shrugged, “I don’t join in conversations, so I just observe people, and I can sort of tell what they’re thinking or when they’re lying.”

“Ah, I think I know a thing or two about that,” Jason smiled fondly.

“Thank you, Jason,” you expressed.

“No problem, Sunny,” he grinned, “I’ll call you that from now on. To remind you.”

Jason thought that he saw you blush in the dim light. “So what do you think? Wanna join us for spooky night? I mean, your shadow would even be helpful. It’ll create the spooky ambience we’re all looking for.”

“Is there popcorn?” you grinned.

***

You dumbass, you thought.

The rain had you soaked and shivering.

Jason Todd, you absolute asshole.

The smell of wet dirt was overpowering. Your team stood with you despite your shadow engulfing them in darkness. Roy had his hand on your shoulder.

The white petals stuck to the polished wooden casket as it was lowered into the ground. Your heart had already broke, and you had gone through the stages of breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably, not being able to sleep for a week after they told you the news. Right now, you felt nothing but emptiness.

The casket hit the ground with a dull thud, and you heard the wet footsteps of others leaving the grave. You looked up at the crowd. Dressed in black, you saw some familiar faces. Clark Kent and Diana Prince were with Bruce Wayne, standing in solidarity. A fiery red color caught your eyes, and you saw whom you knew as Starfire. Tall, confident, and radiating with a soft warm glow- everything that you wished you were. She was next to Dick Grayson, and your eyes made contact with blue ones, ones that reminded you of Jason.

Dick gave you a sad smile.

“I heard you’re not going to continue with the Titans anymore,” Dick broke the silence. The rain was still pouring, pounding on the glass window of the car. “Where do I drop you off?”

“East End, along Murphy Avenue,” you replied. You watched two droplets on the window fall down, racing against each other. “I have some boxes left in the Tower, but I don’t feel like seeing them today.”

“Are you going to be okay on your own? You’re not even 18 yet.”

“I’m turning 18 in three months,” you rolled your eyes. “And I already got a job.”

“Oh? That was quick. What job?”

“Private investigator,” you responded, “Lot’s of scandals in Gotham. It’s quite easy to get a job if you’re half decent.”

“Pay well?”

“Well enough.”

Silence again. Dick made a turn.

No word was said until he stopped in front of the apartment complex. Unknown to you, Dick made a mental note to check the apartment out.

“Thanks, Dick.” Something stopped you from leaving the car. Something warm. Ah, it was Dick’s hand on yours.

You looked over and stared into his bright blue eyes. “I’m here for you. Anytime of the day or night. Text me, call me, whatever. You’re not alone.”

It was his expression. The pain and grief and sincerity in his eyes. A hint of desperation, even. By now, your talent for reading people had developed, and you could tell more than just basic emotions. Dick didn’t want you to leave him alone.

Your pulse quickened.

“Would you… Like to come in?” you asked.

Dick was surprised. His eyes darted downwards in a look of… guilt? And then- “No, it’s alright. You said you wanted some alone time. Go settle down first, then maybe you can give me a house tour sometime.”

Then he gave you the grin. Dick Grayson’s charming, heart-stopping grin.

You left the car.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF JASON TODD

You spent your birthday alone, ignoring the invitations from your ex team members. They all wished you happy birthday, and sent you voice notes of them singing. They said they wished you were there with them, and that they hoped you were well. You replied with a simple thank you.

The apartment you made yours was bare. The walls had no art, and the TV was unplugged. What was the point? Your darkness would have made the art on the walls difficult to see and it was not like you were planning to invite anyone over.

A couple of case files sat neatly on the dining room table, where you did your work. Your name had spread by word of mouth after your first client three months ago, and now you occasionally received texts from unknown numbers, asking for discretion and offering a few hundred dollars a day for a week of work.

Your phone buzzed. It wasn’t an unknown number this time.

Dick had sent you a text. Happy Birthday! Still waiting for that house tour.

You sent a quick thank you and ignored the rest of the message.

SIX MONTHS after the death of Jason Todd

You arrived late on purpose. “Sorry I’m late.”

You sat down in the booth seat opposite Dick and saw the way his eyes lit up when you announced your arrival.

“No worries,” he brushed it off. “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah,” you grabbed the dirty menu from the table. Anything to fill up the awkwardness you were expecting. “What do you usually have here?”

“Waffles with ice cream.”

“For dinner?”

“Why not?”

Dick Grayson gave you his Dick Grayson Grin.

You told the aging waitress your order- “I’ll have what he’s having.”

“So how have you been doing? You seem quite busy now, since this dinner was postponed to two months later,” he teased.

“My work isn’t exactly nine to five, five days a week,” you replied curtly. You had avoided this dinner on purpose.

“No, no, I get it. Mine is the same,” he said. “It’s good that you have been getting lots of clients lately. You seem to be high in demand now.”

“Yeah, I am, actually,” you smiled softly to yourself, “I didn’t expect for business to move this fast. I’m mostly investigating cheating spouses and party daughters now, though. Hoping to move on to the more serious stuff.”

“Careful,” Dick warned you, frowning slightly, “Try not to get involved with the politics here. It’s messy, and dangerous.”

“I can take care of myself, Dick,” you assured him.

He paused. “Yeah, I noticed,” his expression quickly changed, “You’ve been controlling your shadow.”

Indeed, you have been working on pulling in your shadow while you were out in public, making it seem as normal as possible so you don’t engulf rooms with darkness, especially with your current state of mind.

Soon after Jason died, you found out that your shadow had grown larger and larger, directly linked to your moods. Then you noticed that it shrank when you were concentrating on your cases, leaving the room bright. So you meditated and practiced, day and night, to keep your shadow and your emotions in check. However, it was tiring to constantly shrink it for long periods of time.

“Practice makes perfect,” you replied bitterly.

“Jason used to talk about you all the time, you know?” he suddenly brought up.

This came as a surprise for you.

“Really?” you cocked your head to the side, “What about?”

“Lots of stuff,” Dick elaborated, “But mainly about how to make you feel more welcomed. How to get you to open up. What stuff to talk to you about. He considered you his best-friend.”

You had considered Jason the same. He was the first person you had truly bonded with, but you never knew that Jason had communicated with Dick about you. True enough, he always tried his best to make sure you never felt left out. You felt your throat tightened and gulped.

Your waffles arrived, and Dick immediately dug in.

“He said that he called you something,” he continued in between bites, “Sunny, right? Said it was short for Sunshine.”

You hadn’t heard that in six months.

Dick looked up at you and panic took over his face. “Shit- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.”

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling down your eyes this time. You quickly wiped them away and stabbed the waffle with your fork.

“No- no, it’s fine,” you insisted, “I just hadn’t heard that name in a while. And I didn’t know he talked to you about me.”

Dick looked at you with concern. “Pretty sure he had a crush on you, with the way he was always talking about you.”

You were pretty sure, too. You could read people well after all.

“What made you choose this diner?” you asked, changing the subject. “We used to come here all the time.”

“Yeah, I haven’t stepped in here since that day,” he avoided saying Jason’s name now.

For the first time since you sat down, you actually studied him, beyond the basic emotions that you instinctively saw in everyone. The slight frown, the dark circles under his eyes, the short chewed up nails, the five o’ clock shadow that was rare for Dick Grayson.

He was grieving alone.

“Whenever Jason faced a problem when he was with us, out in the field, or anything, he would always ask himself- ‘What would Dick Grayson do?’” you told him.

His eyes softened, and you could see tears start to well up too.

“He really looked up to you,” you went on, wanting to give Dick the same comfort he gave you. “His older brother. Though, he kept it quiet. He didn’t want people to notice how much he cared. You know, the whole tough guy act.”

Dick chuckled at that. “But you noticed, of course.”

“Of course,” you smiled fondly at the memory. When asked if his injuries hurt, Jason would always reply with Only when I laugh.

But he accepted the cold compresses and paracetamol you gave him.

12 MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF JASON TODD

The camera shutter clicked. You checked the quality of the photo on your digital SLR. Even from across the street and in the darkness of the night, your camera caught the couple entering the motel, hand-in-hand, perfectly. This would be sufficient evidence for your client. The classic case of Cheating Spouse was going to earn you a couple thousand dollars. Frankly, you had considered rejecting the case. You only went for high-profile scandals now. But the client was desperate, and offered a large sum of money for something so easy and simple. It was difficult to refuse.

You contemplated on whether you should go the extra mile to catch them in the act. Or maybe you should just stake out in your car and catch them coming out of the motel. You took pride in how detailed your reports always were, and that was how you managed to build your clientele.

You took a sip of the bad, black coffee, already gone cold.

Peering through the zoom lens, you angled the camera up to the rooms facing the street. The movement you caught, however, was not the lights of a room switching on. Instead, out of the corner of your eye, you saw a shadow hanging about the fire-escape in the narrow alley next to the building. You zoomed in more, and saw a familiar blue and black spandex, white eyes, and a familiar grin.

“Fuck,” you swore to yourself. Of all the places to bump into him.

You had gotten close to him since that dinner. The both of you had been texting regularly, getting to know each other and sharing stories about Jason. It helped you with your grief, and you knew it helped him too. You found out that Dick Grayson was voluntarily very expressive with his emotions, unlike his late younger brother who always needed an extra nudge.

Despite all that, you had been trying your best to avoid Dick for the past few weeks and had been giving him the excuse that you were busy. The truth was, you were scared. You knew how close you were getting to him, and right now you were lonely. So lonely that you were afraid of doing something you would both regret.

Knock, knock, knock. The glass rapped three times.

You looked over at the passenger side and saw that grin. Sighing, you unlocked the door.

“What a nice surprise,” Dick greeted you as he shut the door. “Didn’t think I would see a beautiful lady when I left home tonight.”

You rolled your eyes at his usual flirting. “I’m on a job, Dick.”

“I can see that,” he shamelessly went through your case file that was sitting on the passenger seat before he entered. “I thought you don’t take these cases anymore?”

“The poor guy was desperate, and he offered a lot of money for a simple, menial task,” you explained. “I don’t get why he doesn’t ask someone cheaper. Literally anyone could do this.”

“But they can’t do it as well as you do,” Dick booped your nose with his gloved finger.

“What about you? What brings you to this side of town?”

“Tim needed help with some training. And patrol brings me everywhere, sweetheart,” he smirked.

You noticed that your body had subconsciously turned towards him. His eyes were not visible then, covered by the whites of his mask. He was slightly damp due to the drizzle outside.

You cleared your throat. “I’m going to stake out here until they come out. Note how long they were together.”

“That could be until the sun rises.”

“Yep.”

“Need company?”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I thought you needed to patrol, and help Tim.”

“Ah, you’re right,” he sighed dramatically, “I’d much rather be in this steamy car with you, though.”

“Go and help your Robin, Dick,” you chuckled, unable to resist him. “Your mentee needs his mentor, Gotham needs its hero and you’re here cozying up with a PI.”

“How irresponsible of me,” he muttered. You hadn’t realized that both of you had moved closer.

You risked a quick glance to his slightly parted lips before tearing your eyes away. He was right, it had suddenly got steamy in the car.

“Text me when you’re back? It’s dangerous to be alone at this hour,” he said before stepping out and flying off in the most flamboyant, Dick Grayson way.

I can take care of myself.

You took deep breaths to calm down and slow your heartbeat.

Maybe you were scared that you were so lonely. But a part of you knew that starting something with Dick wouldn’t be too bad.

You were just scared of being judged by Dick’s dead, younger brother.

The next weekend, you found yourself on your balcony. It was 3 AM, and you were slightly tipsy from the cocktail you made yourself. You closed your eyes and listened to the sound of the wind, the cars, the occasional police siren. You made your decision.

Need you. you texted Dick, knowing he was out on patrol.

15 minutes. he replied.

Jason was dead. There was no one else who understood and accepted you almost as well as Dick did.

You waited out there in the cold for his arrival. When he did land straight on your balcony, his hair was a mess and he was panting slightly. You grabbed his face and kissed him roughly.

It didn’t matter anymore because Jason was dead.

SIX MONTHS AFTER THE ARRIVAL OF RED HOOD.

It was more difficult to control your shadow, but you tried your best. Moving in with Dick helped a bit more as compared to when you were alone, but you were constantly on edge.

He was alive, and what would he think of this? You and Dick? Would he see it as a betrayal?

Dick was having sleepless nights and was gone most of the time to help Bruce with Jason’s tantrum. Six months since Jason had appeared alive, and God knows how long before he crawled out of his grave, but he had not contacted you even once.

And you knew, you knew he was angry at you. That this whole villain arc had at least something to do with you. Even though it didn’t make sense, that you were never together, that you were nothing more than just best friends.

Somehow you felt that the rage and destruction was directed towards you.

For as long as you got together with Dick two years ago, and a whole year of playing cat and mouse with him ever since that kiss, you never had radio silence from him for this long. Two or three days was the maximum, and he would reassure you that everything was fine while you continued on with your PI business. A week long was unheard of.

Then, your phone buzzed.

I’m fine. He’s fine. Everyone’s fine.

You let out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding.

Is he back? you asked.

He’s gonna take some time off. Need to go. See you soon.

And so you didn’t sleep until Dick came back home the next morning.

“He’s so… broken,” Dick whispered above your head as he hugged you tightly.

You frowned. You didn’t like that word used to describe Jason. A person couldn’t be broken. People weren’t objects. You knew what Dick meant, that Jason was traumatized- but it didn’t mean that he was broken. Broken meant that you needed to be fixed before someone accepted you, that you needed to be functional or useful.

Broken meant that there was a state where people were whole, and you knew too well that there’s no such thing as a whole person. People just existed in different states, and each state was just as important as the other.

Jason told you all of that when you opened up to him about your past. One day many years ago, you fucked up during a mission. Your shadow had hurt someone a little too badly.

“I don’t even know how it works, Jay,” you had cried, “Sometimes it has a mind of its own and it just reacts outside of my control.”

“You saved me in the end,” Jason tried comforting you, putting his arm around your shoulder as you sat on the carpet of the empty living room.

“But I could have hurt you too,” you argued, “It could have attacked your shadow and killed you, the same way I killed my parents.”

You hadn’t told anyone about that. Only the Justice League knew.

“It was an accident,” Jason insisted.

“I’m just a broken person,” you choked. “No one should be near me.”

That was when he took his arm away and held your shoulders in both his hands, forcing you to face him, to stare into his piercing, fierce gaze.

“Don’t ever let me hear you say that about yourself ever again, got it?” he scolded you, “You are not broken. You’re like- like water. Or air. You exist in different states of matter, and each state you’re in is no less broken than the rest. You’re not broken, okay? You’re Sunny, you’re sunshine. You’re just sunshine…”

NINE MONTHS AFTER THE ARRIVAL OF RED HOOD

“Cheating spouse, undercover at Harvard, cheating spouse again…” you muttered to yourself as you browsed your cases in the living room, illuminated by a single warm light above your head. Dick would complain about the mess in the morning when he eats his cereal.

If he even comes back by tomorrow. you finished your own thought.

The blackmail material requests sounded interesting, but you always hesitated to accept the morally gray ones. You usually would go for missing or runaway children, the evidence of corruption, and the occasional journalist request for an inside scoop.

In fact, your eyes caught one such request. An anonymous journalist from the Gotham Gazelle. You received a text from a disposable two days ago, detailing a locker combination and an address. The contents of the locker were documents within a crisp and new light brown folder- a typical case file, along with a thousand dollars in cash and a promise of another two thousand after completion.

Journalists were not usually this cautious, but if they were investigating someone high profile, it was better to remain anonymous. Especially in Gotham.

You took a sip of your dark roast Arabica coffee, engrossed by what your anonymous client wanted you to get. It was already 11 PM.

Then, you heard the bell ring.

You frowned. Dick wouldn’t ring the bell to his own apartment.

Concentrating on pulling your shadow back, you walked barefoot to the door and looked through the peephole.

Your heartbeat quickened at who you saw standing on the other side of the door.

Calm down, calm down, calm down. Deep breaths.

The door clicked when you unlocked it, and creaked when you pulled it open.

You couldn’t remember when you had stopped counting the amount of days since you saw those piercing blue eyes that were so similar, yet so different from Dicks’. Now they were even more different from what you remembered. They were like battleworn armor standing in an enclosed case.

“There’s my sunshine,” Jason smiled weakly at you.

There was no chance of stopping your tears from falling down your face, so you didn’t even try. You let them flow freely as you speechlessly embraced him and felt his warm arms snake around you. The warmth of an embrace you thought you were never going to feel ever again.

He grew much taller than you. He was 16 when he died, and you were just turning 18. You had stopped growing a year or two before that, but boys kept on growing, didn’t they? He was the same height as you were the last time you saw him, but now he was at least a couple of feet taller. Did that mean he was back long before he started going as Red Hood? What did he do for two and a half years? Who-

“Don’t mean to be rude, but can I come in? I’m freezing my tits off out here,” he said. Even his voice was much, much deeper.

You chuckled and nodded, taking a step away to let him in.

You closed the door behind Jason and watched as he walked in slowly, looking around at Dick’s apartment. You noticed he paused at the dining table where you were working, and then strided to the sofa in the living room before taking a seat. You followed suit and sat next to him, not yet trusting your voice to make a sound.

“So,” he began, “You and Grayson, huh?”

Looking so intently, taking him all in, you almost missed the question.

“You’re bigger than him,” you blurted, before widening your eyes in horror at what you were implying.

Jason raised a scarred eyebrow.

“I mean- you- your build,” you quickly explained, “Your frame. Shoulders. Length. Big.”

“Length?” he smirked.

“Height!” you almost yelled.

Jason leaned closer to you and frowned. “Am I making you nervous?”

You couldn’t bear his piercing eyes, so you looked down at your hands.

“I thought maybe you never wanted to see me again,” you confessed, “I thought maybe you were angry at me, and hated me.”

“I was,” he simply stated.

You looked at him in question.

“Angry at you. For a bit,” he sighed and leaned back against the couch, “But I was angry at everyone. You were no exception. I was just mad everyone had forgotten me. Especially those I cared about.”

“I never forgot you, Jason,” you vowed, “How could I ever?”

“Then why did you-” he cut himself off, “Nevermind. I just wanted to say that I’m not mad anymore. I get it. I was dead, and everyone moved on.”

He crossed his arms and again, you noticed how large his arms were. His face was more mature, jawline more defined and square, eyes now more deep set with extra dark circles underneath them. As if your body had a mind of its own, you reached out to his face and caressed the scar across his cheek.

Jason jumped slightly in surprise at the sudden contact, but then closed his eyes and leaned into your touch.

“You have more scars now,” you pointed out, “What happened?”

You felt his breath down your wrist.

“Another story for another day,” he smiled and opened his eyes. You took your hand away, blushing at how intimate that must have seemed to an onlooker. “Where’s Boy Wonder?”

“No idea,” you shrugged. “You want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?”

“Aw, come on, Sunny!” he got up and walked to the kitchen, “It’s a Welcome Back, Jason party. Where are the fun drinks?”

He started opening your cabinets.

“Wow, make yourself at home, why don’t you?” you shook your head and went to join him.

“Mi casa es su casa,” he sang, “At least, that’s what Grayson told me when he gave me the address. Aha!”

He found the cabinet of liquors. “Wow, I’m quite impressed by his collection.”

“That’s my collection,” you corrected him, “Dick couldn’t tell the difference between tequila and rum even if his life depended on it. I have a variety. What do you feel like?”

“You’re the bartender,” he teased, “Surprise me.”

You nodded and proceeded to make him a drink. Jason sat down at the dining table and nosily looked through your files. That was one thing he and Dick had in common, at least.

You set down a whisky sour for him and yourself before clearing your paperwork to the side, giving him the side eye as you snatched a folder from his hands.

Taking a seat across from him, the both of you dinked glasses together and took a sip.

“Strong,” he commented, “That’s good.”

You accepted the compliment silently.

“So, you don’t know where Grayson’s at?” he inquired.

“Nope,” you replied, “I know he has missions sometimes. Helps out here and there. He’s gone for two or three days before he comes back home with a new bruise or cut. I don’t ask for details unless he starts to tell me about it.”

Your chest made an involuntary squeeze that you tried to hide. There were times when you had asked Dick, and he lied to you. You had arguments over where he was, and who he was with before.

Jason studied your poker face intently, and for a second, you felt as though he was interrogating you.

He took another sip.

“How’s business going?” he changed the subject, “I heard you never went back to the team.”

“I couldn’t,” you answered simply.

“Why not?”

“Everything reminded me of you. It hurt too much.”

A deafening silence. A look of guilt. A looming darkness that grew.

“Business is great, actually,” you went on. “And I enjoy the slower-paced nature of the work.”

“Ugh, even stake outs?” he made a face, not commenting on how your shadow became slightly bigger.

“Stake outs can be nice sometimes,” you argued, “Crank down the window, put the radio on, snack on some fries. Sometimes I read, as well. I’m used to spending long hours by myself.”

“Sounds like you haven’t changed much,” he smiled endearingly at you.

“Not even physically?” you pouted, “I’ve been going to the gym.”

He laughed at that. “Yes, I’ve noticed. You look much more… Mature?”

“Are you saying I look old, Todd?” you huffed.

“So fucking old. A hag.”

You stuck out your tongue at him and laughed together, as if nothing ever changed. As if he never died, as if you never grieved for him and longed for him.

“I’m kidding,” he conceded, “You look good. Really good. Dick’s a lucky guy.”

You frowned at the last comment. “It doesn’t bother you, does it? Me and Dick?”

Another pause. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Jason knew you well, so he knew how to answer you. His statement wasn’t a lie.

You heard the jingle of keys in the distance.

“Speak of the fucking devil,” Jason whispered into his drink before taking a big gulp.

“Honey, I’m ho- oh. Jason, I didn’t expect to find you here,” Dick stood in the doorway, stunned.

“Welcome back, babe,” you walked over and greeted your boyfriend with a kiss. For the first time, Dick looked slightly uncomfortable with your display of affection.

“You guys have been hanging out without me!” Dick whined, his child-like persona immediately taking over.

That was how Dick was. You noticed it after a few times with him, how he would mask his emotions or awkwardness with his happy, warm personality. He was a people person, charming his way anywhere and everywhere regardless of any situation.

Yet, you could see through it all. The grief, the aching fatigue, and the countless battle scars.

“Was just leaving,” Jason announced curtly.

“Ngaw, don’t be like that,” Dick tried to persuade him, “Stay a little while. We can catch up.”

“There’s nothing to catch up on,” Jason insisted, “Bye.”

He glanced once at you, and then left without saying a word.

There was a stark difference between the way he was with you and the way he was with Dick. In the short future, you would come to realize that it wasn’t that he was different with everyone else. Jason treated everyone else with the cold, rough demeanor you witnessed- but never you. You were the only one who knew him as though that Jason never died.

You saw Dick’s shoulders slump in disappointment. “How long was he here for?”

“About an hour?” you answered nonchalantly, going back to your case files.

“He has never spoken to me for more than 15 minutes,” Dick informed you, “Even then he would give non-committal answers.”

“Really?” you asked, frowning to yourself. It took just a little while for the both of you to go back to how things used to be. “Maybe he’s more upset at you since you’re his brother.”

“Nah, don’t think that’s it,” Dick came up behind you and nuzzled his face in your neck. “You smell good. Missed you.”

“Missed you too,” you hummed, “How was… Your mission?”

“Tiring,” he complained, “You choose a case already?”

“Maybe,” you replied, “Who was there?”

You heard Dick gulp. “Donna. Kon. Wally.”

“And?”

“Kori.”

You felt your chest tighten again. “Okay. I’m tired too. I think I’ll go to bed now.”

“You just drank coffee,” he pointed out, “You’re going to sleep now?”

“Or just lie in bed,” you responded, “Seeing Jason was… emotional.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he ran a hand through his dark, wavy hair.

“You coming?”

“I have to patrol,” he looked at you guiltily.

“But you just got back,” you argued.

“They can cover more ground when I’m around,” he explained. “Sorry. I’ll spend time with you tomorrow, okay?”

You smiled at him and reached a hand to press on his chest. He was so committed, and that’s what you loved about him. He really, truly cared.

“Just stay safe,” you gave him a deep kiss, tasting the cola chapstick he stole from you months ago.

“I’ll see you in the morning, darling,” he breathed.

That night you lay awake in bed, staring at darkness. You let your shadow go at night, allowing it to take over the room. A buzz came from your phone all of a sudden. Another unknown number.

You tapped it open.

This is my number if you need me. J.

It had been a while since you smiled whenever you lay alone, unable to sleep.

And how did you get mine?

You didn’t actually care. You were just so happy to be texting your best friend again.

I’m just a genius, Sunny. You staying up late to work?

You contemplated your answer.

No. Just couldn’t sleep. What do you do now, anyway? Do you patrol with the rest?

Sometimes. I mostly do my own thing now.

What thing?

Another story for another time, sunshine.

I’m glad you’re back, Jay. Thank you for seeing me today. Can we hang out soon?

We can hang out whenever you want.

You were typing a reply, but was interrupted by another message from him.

I missed you lots.

I missed you too, Jason. We have to get caught up with all the slumber parties we missed.

Don’t think Grayson would be too happy with that though.

My best friend is back from the dead. He can suck it up.

I’ll see you soon then?

You contemplated again.

What are you doing tomorrow? I got an interesting case. Wanna tag along?

***

Jason’s heart broke when he found out that you were with Dick. It was a large reason why he was so angry, and why he became so destructive. But he tried to stay angry at you, tried to hate you, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. The years without you were lonely, and he tried to fill up the emptiness with rage.

It took him so long after Bruce brought him back to his senses to finally see you because he was practicing. He knew he couldn’t bear to look at you and Dick while you were together, so he practiced controlling his emotions so he wouldn’t snap and scare you away.

But when you opened the door and he saw your face for the first time in years, everything dissipated. He didn’t need to control any anger because all he felt was longing. It didn’t matter if you were in love with Dick, all that mattered was that you were there next to him.

“Okay, so,” you began as you pulled the car to a stop in a street at Diamond District. “Rupert Thorne.”

“The guy who is running for mayor?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, browsing through the documents, “He allegedly backed Hill in the previous elections, but now he is running against Hill. My client wants me to find evidence of corruption and find out who his sponsors are.”

Jason saw the way your brows stitched together as you read through the file.

It was difficult to be in the same car as you. Even though he was in the passenger seat, he felt like it was a small closet, being suffocated by your demanding presence.

“Why doesn’t he sponsor himself? Isn’t he some sort of closeted crime lord too?” Jason asked.

“I guess that’s the mystery,” you hummed, “He must have been promised something, or he must have promised something- if he wins.”

You smelled like warm cinnamon and vanilla. All Jason wanted to do was to bury his face in your neck and breathe you in. The pull he felt towards you was almost physical. He needed to stop himself from touching you, from claiming you.

“So what’s the first step?” he tried to focus on the case.

“He works in that building there,” you looked outside across the street to the tall mirrored tower. “COO of Trident Shipping Company. He’s doing quite well in popularity lately… Articles say he is modest and humble, charming, thoughtful, charitable… The list goes on. Must have a great PR team.”

Jason smiled to himself. You were starting to think out loud, a habit of yours he noticed one night during a strategy meeting with the team. So many years ago.

“Anyway, we want to see where he goes, who he meets, what he does-”

“Oh no,” Jason groaned, “You scammed me into a stakeout!”

He really didn’t mind if it meant spending long hours with you in your cozy car.

“It’ll be fun!” you tried to convince him, “We can catch up in the meantime! Plus, I do also need to bug his phone. Might need your help with that. I also have some metka, so maybe we can pollinate some lead suspects once we narrow them down and-”

“Woah, woah, woah, hold up,” Jason started chuckling in disbelief, “First of all- one step at a time, please. Let’s make a structured flowchart first before you start rambling off fifty-seven steps ahead. Second of all- metka, are you fucking with me right now? How did you get your hands on Soviet Cold War tech?”

Metka or spy dust- chemically known as nitrophenyl pentadienal or NPPD- was an old and outdated, yet still effective, Russian method of marking or tagging suspected CIA agents during the Cold War by the KGB. It was a discreet powder that stuck to everything. They would tag the agents at the airport, and then anything the agent touched would have traces of the dust. Including Russian assets- spies or informants working for the CIA. They would be able to identify the traitors.

“I’m a PI,” you said smugly, “I’m resourceful.”

Yes, you were. Jason beamed proudly at you. But he said, “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, how about the bug?”

“I have this-” you rummaged through your messenger bag and took out a small silver card the size of a hotel matchbox. It had the Bat sigil.

“So I assume you have Batman’s NFC card because you’re resourceful?” Jason teased. He knew the gadget well. The near field communication device allowed hijacking into another electronic device with NFC just by near contact. It could allow for cloning the device, or installing spyware.

You stuck your tongue at him childishly.

“I wonder what Batman would think of you stealing his gadgets for personal use,” Jason jested.

“Okay, I borrowed it from DIck, and it’s not like I’m using it for personal reasons. This is a highly professional operation,” you huffed, “Anyway, if you could let me finish telling you my plan. It says that Thorne is into French girls and he usually comes out for a smoke break around this time.”

“And?”

“I will be bumping into him. The NFC needs about 30 seconds of contact. I’ll slip the card in the pocket where he keeps his phone. But in case I can’t stick around to take it out, you will have to come walking behind me to pickpocket it from him.”

“Sounds good. What if he’s using his phone?”

“I’ll bump it out of his hand and apologize profusely,” you grinned. “Okay I need to get ready.”

You unbuttoned your weathered leather jacket to reveal a white top with a low neckline, giving Jason a good view of your cleavage.

“Uhhh,” he started awkwardly.

You ignored him and looked in the mirror, smearing lipstick on your lips and smacking them. Then, you ruffled your hair to give it more volume before turning to face him with a “How do I look?”

The red you chose for your lipstick matched your skin tone perfectly. And he never noticed you had a tiny cute mole on the top of your left breast. The way your hair was effortlessly messy made Jason imagine that was how you would look like in the mornings, or when he takes a handful of it while kissing you rough-

“G-great,” he complimented weakly.

If he hadn’t already died, then you were going to be the death of him.

“Oh shit, there he is,” you opened the car. “Quick, hang around a few feet behind me.”

Jason saw you strut as you approached Thorne. He was tall and handsome, and looked good for a man his age. Jason could tell that his suit was expensive. His coat was probably cashmere. He could see why Thorne was so popular. He definitely looked the part. He was talking on his phone, and he was now curious as to what you had in mind.

From down the block and in the crowd, Jason saw you pretend to talk on your phone in perfect French, rushing somewhere unknown. He didn’t notice the cup you were carrying before.

“Ah, putain! I am zo zorr’y, Monsieur!” you bumped hard into Thorne, spilling liquid all over his coat and yourself.

Thorne looked surprised, and then pocketed his phone in his coat. “It’s quite alright.”

“No, no, pleez. Let me ‘elp you,” you made a fuss. You took out a handkerchief from your bag and simultaneously shrugged off your jacket. Jason smirked to himself. No hot-blooded male would be able to resist the sight of you in a wet white low neckline t-shirt.

“Let me pay for your dry cleaning,” you worried, “Oh, putain it speeled down here too.”

You got on your knees and started dabbing the hem of his coat.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Thorne smiled and held your shoulder in a gesture to help you up.

“I am really zo zorr’y,” you looked up at him.

A flash of lust sparked Thornes’ eyes, and Jason knew you were batting your eyelashes at him from that angle. It made him want to punch Thorne square in the jaw.

“It’s really alright, madam,” he insisted, “It was my fault for standing in the middle of a busy pedestrian walkway.”

“I should ‘ave watched where I was walking,” you bit your lip and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Well, let’s just both move on from this. Please don’t worry, I can get my assistants to get me another coat,” he rested his hand on your lower back as he walked you towards the street. “Here is my business card. Feel free to contact me if you need any help navigating the city. I would love to show you all the fine restaurants in Gotham.”

“Monsieur, you are too kind,” you pouted.

“I should thank you for bumping into me,” he winked, “It’s not everyday I get to see a beautiful lady.”

You pretended to blush.

“I have to go now,” he announced, “Please give me a call.”

And with that, he entered the building.

You walked towards Jason with the look of a kid who scored his first goal.

But then, facing him now, Jason swore under his breath. No wonder you managed to bewitch Thorne so easily.

Your shirt was practically see through, and everyone was turning their heads at you. He could see your black lacy bra, and how your tits bounced as you jogged towards him.

“Hells to the yes!” you celebrated, “That was more than thirty seconds. I got the card back and- what are you doing?”

Jason had grabbed your jacket and forcefully put it over your shoulders. “Let’s hurry back to the car.”

Yeah, you were going to be the death of him.

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT: ??? Months “Your choice”

“There you are! I was getting worried, your directions were awful for finding this café.”

“We both know I suck at directions, hope you didn't get rained on too much. Sorry for making you visit me over and over. I remember you said you’re not a fan of Hyper city”

“You know I like the rain, and this place makes it easier to visit you anyway. Now lemme just get the seat closer to you…

So how are you hun. Is the recovery going alright? Have you gotten any memories back?”

“A couple, yeah. I remember the name of that other slime I met a while ago. Sandy I think.”

“You think?”

“Memories are hard, please don't push me.”

“Sorry. Well it's good that you're healing, and you're not taking that stuff again right? 

… right hun?!”

“I'm not, I'm not. Tomorrow is the last day I have to wait before I can legally take it again. Right now I'm just wondering if I should wait longer or not.”

“Don't do anything that isn't safe hun. I know this means a lot to you, I can't say I know what you're going through, cause I'm not a therian or otherkin or whatever like you. But please be safe, I don't like worrying about you… What's that on your phone? You're clearly hiding it.”

“It's nothing, I'm just running a poll, I want to see what the internet would do in my circumstance.”

“Hun!…”

“I'm not going to make my decision based on what random people have to say. I'm probably not even going to post it. I mean it's a pretty cool, textbook grey choice. Survive less happy than I could have been, or risk everything to finally feel normal and free… Please don't look at me like that.”

“You sound a lot happier about one of those choices hun, and it makes me scared.”

“...Y'know I've actually been thinking about moving into Hyper city. Roommates are ok with it as long as I give them a few months to search for a new place. We could also visit each other whenever. There's still a lot of problems here, but it still feels like there's less discrimination here than back home. I even have a good idea for what I want to do here! I'm studying to become a psychiatrist and work for Dr. Erian. He could really use someone who has a positive amount of bedside manners. There's a couple other doctors there but-

“I thought the plan was for us to live together?”

“...We will, when things get better back home. At least here it's easier for us to see each other, and I don't have to pretend I can't hear people whispering I'm a freak. At least, not as much. Nothing's changed long term.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure, you don’t have to worry, everything is going to be fine. I’m not going to do anything stupid, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing if I started my HRT again after tomorrow. I know I can regain my memories slowly, so there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“There is a problem! You think it’s fine if you forget everything? Look, it's great that some of your memories are back, but that doesn’t mean all of them are gonna come back. You’re being reckless again. Your life isn’t something you can keep tossing around without expecting us to hold you down. Hun, you need to stop hurting yourself.”

“...I’m not hurting myself. I’m just trying to live my life. I don’t want to upset you, but you have to realize this is the most important thing for me right now. If I mess this up, then nothing is going to go well. I understand that you’re scared, but please think about how I feel. I’d be having heart palpitations if that were still possible. This choice needs a clear head to figure out. I don’t think either of us have that.”

“Maybe. You’re going to be fine right? You won’t die from this or anything right?”

“No, I’m not going to die. The doc made sure it’s going to be safe at this point. We just have to hope he’s wrong about the side effects, and before you go saying he’s a trained endocrinologist, you haven’t met him, and I don’t even think he knows all that much. Trust me, you’d realize what I mean if you met him.”

“But he knows more than you do hun.”

“Ok, yeah, but it’s clear this is still all new to him too. He’s never been right about when any of the changes will happen or what the side effects would be. He made me sign an NDA about slipping into a three day coma. He’s clearly more afraid his medical license will be revoked than any actual permanent damage he’ll inflict."

“Aren’t you breaking that NDA right now?”

“I don’t have to listen to that. Besides, as long as the internet doesn’t hear about it, then it’s fine. It's not like you're gonna shout this conversation to the rooftops… don't actually tell anyone else, I'd rather not get in trouble again.”

“So, where are you staying anyway? You said the houses here are pretty expensive right? Do you have enough savings to find a place?”

“There's a non-profit place called T.H.E.M.S, they can find me a place to stay while I try to find a more permanent residence here. They have an on-site doctor too, so you don't have to worry even harder now.”

“Hey, you can't fault me for worrying about my girlfriend! That's good there's going to be a doctor nearby. I'm glad. Stay safe hun.”

“I will, don't worry. Now come on, less talking about depressing medical stuff, more pictures of tiny foods! Right now I want to show you the cute cupcakes this place has!

“Oh they’re shaped like little dragons!”

“It's so cute, right?”

...

Click… Post sent!

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

Thanks for reading slime HRT so far. It's been so much fun for Navi to write and we hope you enjoy it. This marks about a third of what we plan to do. If you're confused about the terms Hyper city or T.H.E.M.S you can check out information about them. Pretty important since this is gonna be the location for the rest of the series. Anyway, thank you for reading. It means the world to us. bye-bye!

-Sweetheart💖

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Zach Sang Show

Part 54

2016

“I’m hanging out in the studio right now with YN YLN”

“Hi. Thanks for having me” I smile at Zach

“Thank you for being here. How are you feeling? A lot is happening right now for you. This is your first solo interview, your releasing your first solo album and your going on tour with Justin Bieber. Like does it feel strange without the boys with you?”

“Yes really strange” I nod nervously laughing

“Have you spoken to any of them or seen them since last year?”

“Yeah we text each other at least once a week. I spent new year with Harry which was lovely”

“How do you feel about being solo?”

“It’s mixed emotions really. I’m so excited to release the album and go on tour, but I’m also so scared. Like when I was with the boys I had that constant support, if I forgot lyrics they were there to help me, but now I’m on my own”

“Let’s talk about your upcoming album. You let me listen to it before hand and it’s a masterpiece”

“Aww thank you” I shift in my seat

“What was the writing process like? You wrote My Everything/Ghostin’ and ‘Break Your Heart Right Back on tour didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m so grateful for Liam, Harry, Louis and Niall for helping me turn my thoughts into songs. They started off as random sentences in my notebook. I never planned on making them into actual songs but then Harry got hold of my note book and within a few weeks on tour we had wrote the two songs. Niall helped come up with the melody and Louis recorded it on his phone. Liam was just the hype man. I kind of forgot about the songs until it came to writing the album. I wrote ghosting in a day. It was a bad day with an ex and it just all came out. It wasn’t supposed to go on the album, I never finished it, but Harry was a huge help and he was the one who suggested to put them both on the album. I trust him and his instincts”.

“This album feels very personal”

“Oh 100%” I went through stages during the writing process for the album. I was angry. Angry at the men in my life who have hurt me. I was angry at myself for letting them, but then came the heartache, the questioning myself, like how could I have let the same thing happen over and over again. This album is a true break up album that goes through the emotions of wanting to leave that person, but being in your head and wanting to make it work”

“It’s almost like a diary entry”

“Yeah pretty much. I mean..” I sigh looking at the ceiling “for me me it’s about telling to world how I’m feeling, but in an enjoyable way I guess. I’m 22 now and if I’m not invested in these songs then what’s the point” I shrug

“Is that the worst part that it’s all personal?”

“No no not at all” I shake my head “I don’t have to pretend. I never want to pretend. I want to be open about what I’ve been through and what I go through”

“You look back to when you were on X Factor to your One Direction days to now as a solo artist, can you pinpoint what you’ve learnt”

“I was young when I started in this industry, I was the youngest member of One Direction, plus the only girl, I had a lot of other girls dislike me. I was ‘the worst member’” I said doing air quotes with my hands “at first it got to me. I went on antidepressants and I was speaking to a therapist multiple times a week, but I learnt that there’s no point listening to the hate. Most of them were jealous and I just think if you dislike my voice then just don’t listen. It’s hard to ignore it when there’s so many rumours and opinions”

“It’s life changing to let go”

“Oh 100%”

“I have to ask, how’s Cookie?”

“She’s great. She’s come with me today actually”

“Really? Can we see her?”

“Of course. Dad can I have Cookie?” I turn around to look at my dad. He nods his head and quickly goes to get my dog. I then hear her little paws running “Cookie! Hi baby girl” I pick her up and place her on my lap

“I feel like Cookie is your mascot” Zach laughs, I laugh along with him

“The fans normally get more excited to see her than me”

“Can we talk about going on tour with Justin Bieber? How did that come about?”

“It’s funny actually” I laugh shifting in my seat before taking a quick sip of water “while we were in LA last year we met Justin. He ask what our plans were for this year and when I said I was writing an album he asked me to go on tour with him to promote it. He’s been so supportive of the album”

“Ghostin/My Everything comes out this week”

“Yeah on Friday. It will be the anniversary of Alex’s passing. It’s going to be an emotional day, but I wanted to dedicate those songs to him. The music video will be a lyric video with photos and videos of Alex growing up. He was one of my biggest supporter so it’s only right I dedicate my first single to him”

“I just have to say you are so strong”

“I couldn’t do it without my friends and family. They are my crutches. I’m so incredibly grateful for them and I’m not sure I can ever repay them for everything they’ve done, especially my dad and Emma”

“Speaking of Emma she’s become part of your team now hasn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s my PA. I wouldn’t wake up on time if it wasn’t for her” I joke making is both laugh

“That’s all the time we have. Thank you so much for coming on the show”

“No thank you I had a good time”

“Good look with the album and tour. Your going to kill it”

“I hope so”

“YN YLN everyone”

[stefanmikaleson1864]

My Heart is Missing

Jay Halstead X Reader 

My Heart is Missing 

A/N: This is based on the last couple of episodes where Jay left to go back to the army. I’m also gonna be real honest I haven’t seen much sense he left so I hope you all like it ! 

If you like my work please comment like and reblog it means a lot to see interactions on my work. 

Y/N’S POV 

You and Jay halstead where on earth do you even begin with the two of you. He was already in the unit when you started. Voight partnered the two of you up .

It was a match right away. The two of you hit off immediately, and everyone in the office saw it. You both were always joking and laughing. 

You were also the person he trusted the most in the world. Whether it be late night locker rooms or at a old dive bar over a few drinks. 

You never got tired of being with each other. It was like no matter how much time you spent with each other it was never enough. 

The day he asked you to move in with him it wasn't even a second thought. I mean you two were already basically living together. 

Then the day he took you to your favorite dive bar and it was all decorated with lots of directions you knew something was up. 

He took your breath away when he got down on one knee. He looked up at you with those baby blues and your heart stopped beating 

“Y/N the best day of my life was when I meant you and every day after that has been even more amazing. And everyday i ask myself how lucky am i that you choose me. Someone who you think deserves being with you. I don’t ever want to loose that so will you marry me” Jay asked 

“Well it’s about time yes hell yeah” you said. 

He got up and kissed you hard and you both had happy tears running down both of your faces. 

The rest of the night was a huge party filled with laughter and love. 

About a year had passed and you finally both got married. It was in Trudy's backyard. Filled with twinkle lights and flowers. 

You were a simple dress and you felt beautiful. It was casual but something you both imagined it would be. 

Antonio was the one who married you two. The night went surpisingly off without a hitch. You couldn’t help but sit back and wonder how the hell you got this blessed. 

6 months sense then had passed and now it was like your world was completely flipped. 

Jay had been distant these past couple of months. Work has been a lot dealing with everything going on. We didn’t know who we should trust anymore. Our relationship with Voight was always a rocky one but now it felt like it was getting a lot worse. 

He was being really weird and trying to break the team up it felt like. In a time where we all needed to be united it felt like he was dividing us. 

The team used to be so close now it felt like we barely even talked outside of work. It was also taking it toll on me and Jay. we used to tell each other everything now we barely talk.

When we come home we both just kind go our separate ways. Jay will watch a game on the TV and I go back to the room and watch TV. 

We wouldn’t have our dates anymore or morning coffee together. The car rides in the morning were also weren’t even talking about us anymore. 

Before everything happened we were talking about marriage and babies. We were so happy now it was like a empty shell was sitting in the bed. 

You didn’t know what to do because you both knew you couldn’t go on like this. Something was going to break and you were so scared that it was going to be the two of you. 

Jay had to be have thinking the same thing because lately things were extra different with. He was hiding phone calls and being secretive. 

You knew he wasn’t cheating Jay would never he was way to good of a man. You wanted to ask but you were to afraid to ask him. 

So you figured when he was ready he would come and talk to you about it. You were just worried on how long that was going to take. 

Before he was a open book. He would always tell you everything down to what he would eat for lunch. 

It was hurting that what ever was going on he didn’t think it was worth sharing. It made you feel like you weren’t even his partner anymore. 

Right now you were currently laying in bed. Dreading the morning day. You barely gotten asleep and now you had to bring yourself to get up. 

Jay was already up and moving around. You could hear him and the way with everything was going you wanted to try your best and avoid him. 

It was a good thing that today you were both off. And even though  you were off you couldn’t make yourself go back to sleep. At this point there was no use. 

You got your phone off the night stand and started scrolling through your stuff. You were scrolling for a while you didn’t realize how much time had truly passed. 

When the door opened up and you almost broke your neck to see who was at the door. 

Jay walked in and gave you a somber look on his face. It was hard to read what was going on and he looked like he was struggling to. 

Before the two of you would be in bed right now cuddling and laughing and having a blast. Now the bed was cold next to you. 

You struggled to on what to say trying to read the situation before breaking down. You missed the warmth of the broken man in front of you. 

“Hey come sit wit me” you said pulling the covers back and creating a space for him in order to lay. 

He walked over to you and kind of sat up straight. It was like you just meant the man he was being so distant. 

You reached over and touched him and pulled him down so he was laying next to you. 

You both just kind of looked at each other for a moment. No one was saying anything which was really nice at that moment just enjoying each other company. 

“Hey” you both said at the same time making you both laugh 

God you missed his laugh. 

“You go” You said smiling at him 

“I need to talk to you” He said 

Your heart sunk into it’s chest and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. 

“What’s going on” You asked swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“I’m leaving” was all you said 

You could feel the tears following down your face and he reached over and grabbed your face and wiped the tears off. 

“Why i mean I know things were bad but I was holding out hope” You chocked out. 

You couldn’t even see everything was blurry from the tears. 

“God no hey look at me” Jay said 

You looked at him and he had a sad look on his face. 

“Hey not you i am not leaving you I am re enlisting i’m going to Bolivia” He said 

You sat up and was leaning against the headboard. You took your hand and wiped your face so you could see properly. 

“Why would you re enlist” You ask 

“Because I don’t like the person I am becoming in the unit things have changed and i don’t wanna be that cop and look at us we haven’t been okay and I want us to I love you” Jay said 

“So what you think leaving will help” You asked in a rhetorical voice 

Jays head just kind of dropped before he spoke up. 

“Yes I do I love you more than anyone or anything in the world and if I stay in the unit I’m gonna get worse were gonna get worse we need to do something and this way I can help people and know who the bad guys are” Jay said 

You were struggling to understand how leaving would help wouldn’t you stay and want to fight. 

“I don’t understand” was all you said. 

“Look baby I love you I do and i’m not leaving right away like 2 weeks okay. I was gonna ask you should take some time off of work” Jay said 

“We could go away for a little bit before me and you and go to greece like we always talked about” Jay said. 

“Yeah that sounds amazing we both could use it” You smiled. 

“Why didn’t you talk to me about it thought before deciding to just go” You asked 

“Because you would try and stop me and if you did I didn’t know if I would have the strength to leave” Jay said 

“You are my heart Jay halstead and I support you always and honestly if this is what you need” You said. 

“It is and when i come back when my tour is over we can re group you know. Talk about a family and a life okay I’m just helping out a friend this isn’t forever” Jay said. 

“Okay yeah just for a little bit” You said 

“Just for a little bit” Jay said. 

After Jay laid down and he pulled you close to him. Your head was on his chest and you could feel your heart beating. 

The two of you haven’t been this connected in a while. But for once in a while you finally felt lie some hope was coming back. 

This wasn’t going to be end this was just the beginning. A new chapter was closing and the other one was opening back up. 

You did need the time off first thing in the morning you were taking off you and Jay were always going to go on the dream vacation. 

Maybe it was what you needed to re spark everything.  And as hard it was to let Jay go you know you needed to. 

All you knew while he was gone your heart was going to be Missing.

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 10

chapter 18:

1. remus is just free to exist around sirius. every mention of that makes me HURT

2. and i know that remus sets/asks sirius to break boundaries but i LOVE sirius setting his about remus not fucking around with memories because he has issues with that

3. AWWW another wolfstar kiss! i’ll never get used to these

4. omg the wolfstar neck kisses are making ME realize how much i miss neck kisses. honestly, straight up, those are better than sex

5. nooo baby! i’m so sorry that sirius was made into a sex symbol of sorts for the hallow. that sucks. no one deserves that, especially not a child (when it began occurring for him)

6. it hurts that james knows he wouldn’t kill for his own sake, and he’s only killing to protect regulus and get him out of here

7. “Really, James takes great pride in the fact that no one annoys Regulus like him.” LMAO

8. “Blinking violently, James clears his throat and says, "Oh, yes, keep talking about math. There's absolutely nothing more attractive. You're a swot. If you tell me what the mitochondria is, I'm not sure I'll be able to restrain myself."” ASLDJFKDHDKSJNSMSN LOSING MY SHIT

9. wait. hold up. regulus used to write poetry about james. holy shit. i love this development so much

10. PETER!!!!!!!

11. 😧 reg is mad at james and all he wants to do is put a knife to james’ throat and hope he moans. holy fuck “So exposed to violence that it's even starting to blend with sex.” that’s both a wild thought and a sad thought

12. GOD regulus doesn’t trust james, but he trusted evan. that hurts like a motherfucking truck

13. god it hurts that vanity, peter, and the others can’t all survive. they don’t deserve this

chapter 19:

1. VANITY!! babbyyyy she’s gonna die nooooo

2. the ant juice to keep her warm 😟😟

3. 😬 they’re gonna make a bridge. i’m not sure about that. that worries me. and peter lighting the fires. this entire thing is gonna end with one of james’ allies dead

4. “”Oh, and the 'best friend's brother, secret history, forbidden love' way also.”” 😭😭😭 not vanity’s description of jegulus

5. vanity asking about what sex is like and james IMMEDIATELY shutting her down 😭😭

6. being scared about the bug- i’m with james on this one.

7. 😧😳 omg not dylan, peter, AND irene. (NO SHAME OR JUDGMENT ON MY BEHALF) holy shit.

8. 😭😭😭 i love when any one of the tributes talks to the sky to talk to their mentors, friends, or family

9. irene and james betting on a jealous regulus 😭😭😭

10. the bridge worked. i’m honestly so shocked

11. this bug (vespa) is stressing me tf out

12. about the bug, vanity is like 🩷😊✨🪲 and james is like 😟😬🙅🏽‍♂️

13. i’d like to make the guess now: autistic vanity

14. not james being turned on by reg talking mean to him. this is ridiculous 😭😭

[davidchiemcore]

transcript for DRDT Prologue Episode One! going to make this a series where i (hopefully) write down all the dialogue for drdt, if i dont get burnt out. at the end, ill post a google doc with them all together

???: ……

???: Fuck!!

???: Fuck, fuck, fuck, this really hurts…

???: Ouch, I really wasn’t expecting her to attack me like that.

???: I made a massive mistake to trust them. I can’t rely on anyone.

???: All by myself, I have to end the killing game.

???: And even if I can’t do that…

???: I have to kill Teruko Tawaki.

???: No matter what.

Prologue: Distrust and Despair

Teruko: …I had a weird dream.

Teruko: Huh? Where am I?

Teruko: When I opened my eyes, I found myself resting on a bed in an unfamiliar place.

Teruko: This looks like some sort of hotel room.

Teruko: Wait, how did I even get here? I have no recollection of coming here.

Teruko: The last thing I remember was–

Teruko: Ah! I was going to the entrance ceremony of Hope’s Peak Academy!

Teruko: But this doesn’t look like Hope’s Peak at all, much less any sort of school. Just what is going on?

Teruko: …

Teruko: No use staying here, I suppose. I think it would be best if I left this room and tried to find out more about this place.

Teruko: I stepped out of the room and found myself in a hall with 15 other doors exactly like the one I left.

Teruko: Do all these doors lead to rooms like the one I just left?

Teruko: They all have nameplates on them. The one I came out of has my name.

Teruko: Teruko Tawaki… That’s me.

Teruko: I don’t recognize any of these other names, though.

Teruko: I tried each door. They were all locked. Seems I’m also locked out of the room I just left.

Teruko: No good, I guess.

Teruko: I should keep exploring.

Teruko: AH!!

Teruko: I walked to the end of the hallway and rounded the corner, when suddenly–

Xander: AUGH!!

Teruko: *CRASH*

Teruko: I crashed into another person pretty roughly, knocking us both to the ground.

Teruko: O–ouch! That really hurt…

Xander: …

Teruko: Are you alright? Sorry for knocking you over like that.

Xander: …

Teruko: Ah-! You’re bleeding! Are you okay?

Xander: Oh. Yup. I’m fine…

Xander: Heh heh……

Teruko: E–eh??

Teruko: All of a sudden, he collapsed.

Teruko: Um–Hello??

Teruko: No use… He’s unconscious.

Teruko: …

Teruko: I can’t believe I accidentally knocked someone unconscious within minutes of being awake. I feel bad…

Teruko: I should find something to treat him with. Maybe there’s a medical room around here.

Teruko: After a little bit of searching, I stumbled upon what looked to be an infirmary.

Teruko: Let’s see. There’s bandages, gauze, various medicines–perhaps some ibuprofen?

Xander: Yeah, that would sound pretty nice.

Teruko: Alright, I see–

Teruko: Wha–AH!

Xander: Oh, sorry, did I scare you? I didn’t mean to sneak up on you like that, really!

Teruko: Y-you! Were you just pretending to be unconscious??

Xander: Err, no. You did actually knock me unconscious. Well, I’m fine now.

Teruko: Oh. And, your eye…

Xander: Like I said, I’m fine now. Don’t worry about it.

Teruko: Are you sure? You were bleeding; that doesn’t seem like an injury to brush off.

Xander: Like I said!! Totally fine! I’m a tough guy, I can handle it.

Teruko: I’m still really sorry, uhm… uh, what’s your name?

Xander: Oh! Ack, how rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself. I’m making a terrible first impression.

Xander: Alriiight! The name’s Alexander Matthews. But you can just call me Xander, it’s much cooler sounding. I’m the Ultimate Rebel, nice to meet you!

Ultimate Rebel - Xander Matthews

Teruko: Ultimate?

Xander: You must have heard of Hope’s Peak Academy, right? An exclusive school that only accepts students, known as Ultimates, who possess extraordinary talents.

Xander: It just so happens that I’ve been accepted there! Pretty incredible, huh?

Teruko: Ah,you’re a freshman of Hope’s Peak? I am too. We might be classmates.

Teruko: I should introduce myself as well. I am Teruko Tawaki, the Ultimate Lucky Student.

Ultimate Lucky Student - Teruko Tawaki

Xander: So you’re the Lucky Student, huh, Ms. Teruko? You’re the one who’s got accepted by the lottery.

Teruko: Oh, right. That’s correct.

Teruko: Unlike the rest of the students of Hope’s Peak, my talent of luck is a little unconventional, so I hope you won’t find it too strange.

Xander: Strange? Why would I find it strange?

Xander: Everyone who’s got accepted into Hope’s Peak is given an incredible opportunity to build their own skills and talents so that they can later shape the world!

Xander: Even if you were selected by lottery, not scouted like normal students, you still have got just as much potential as every other Ultimate to develop into an even more amazing person!

Xander: As you know, everyone who graduates from Hope’s Peak goes on to become incredibly influential and important. That’s why being an Ultimate, no matter what kind, is a huge deal!

Teruko: I’m well aware of that. It’s just that… for me, it’s more than just lacking a talent.

Teruko: I’m cursed, you see.

Xander: …Cursed?

Teruko: Cursed with horrible luck.

Teruko: No matter what I do, I always become victim to misfortunes and accidents. I often fall or break things, or worse, injure myself. So do those around me.

Teruko: No doubt, your recent injury is probably as a result of the influence of this curse.

Xander: I see, that makes a bit of sense. It must be difficult living like that, I’m sorry to hear that.

Xander: And yet, despite that, you’ve still been selected to be the Ultimate Lucky Student. Maybe it was some twist of fate.

Xander: Even misfortune can be overcome or adapted, so I would take the fact that you’re here at this academy as a good sign! So, don’t give up hope!

Teruko: Ahaha… Aren’t you full of energy.

Teruko: By the way, just what kind of talent is “Rebel?”

Xander: Oh, are we discussing my talent now?

Xander: To be frank, I’m actually sort of pissed at the Academy for having given me this title. Calling me a “rebel” just makes me seem like some sort of unruly, lawless kid, which I am *definitely* not!

Xander: It's almost an insult to all the hard work I’ve put in throughout my life!

Teruko: Hard work put into what?

Xander: Revolution.

Xander: Simply put, I’m the sort of person who feels very strongly about everything. So whenever I see something that feels wrong to me, something unjust, I’ll do whatever I can to fix it.

Xander: For example, exposing corruption. I’ve got quite a number of corrupt government officials jailed. Society is messed up, and it’s up to me to change it.

Xander: Of course, in order to make any sort of impactful change in this world, you need to break the existing rules. That’s what got me the title of Ultimate Rebel, I suppose.

Teruko: Wow, I’m not quite sure what to think of all that.

Teruko: Or even if I can believe the things you just said.

Xander: Hey! You better not be accusing me of lying!

Teruko: But at the very least you seem to be very passionate and energetic.

Teruko: Moving on… Do you know anything about this place? I seem to have woken up here without knowing how I came here. And I was supposed to be going to the entrance ceremony of Hope’s Peak.

Xander: I was just about to ask you the same thing!

Xander: Have we both got kidnapped, or something?! If that’s the case, I’ll be pretty pissed at whoever’s responsible.

Xander: Err, sorry for getting worked up again.

Xander: But yeah, it looks like we’re in the same situation. Woke up in a mysterious room without knowing how we got here.

Teruko: What a perplexing situation…

Xander: No use just standing here. I’ve got an idea. We should look around, see if there’s an explanation somewhere. At the very least we can examine our surroundings for clues.

Teruko: Right. We may find something new.

Teruko: These large doors are conspicuous. We should check inside.

Xander: Fine by me!

Teruko: Xander kicks the door open forcefully.

Teruko: You could have just…

Teruko: Used… the… han..dle…

Teruko: Eh?

Teruko: We found ourselves in a large room full of chairs and a large, ominous screen at the back. But more importantly…

Xander: There’s other people here?!

Teruko: 14 other people stood in front of Xander and me.

David: Ah, have more people arrived?

Ace: Maybe they’re our fucking kidnappers! We should ask ‘em a few questions!

Arei: Are you two freshmen of Hope’s Peak Academy as well?

Xander: We are. Is this our class?

Whit: Whoa, new people. You guys got any idea what’s going on?

Charles: Don’t be ridiculous. I sincerely doubt that these two can bring any new information to the table on our situation.

Teruko: So, it seems our whole class is here.

Xander: Just what is going on? Have the rest of you blacked out when you were entering the Academy?

Levi: Yes, that happened to the rest of us as well. Our situation is awfully strange.

Veronika: Maybe the Academy is trying to surprise us! Wouldn’t that be fun?

Hu: If you two are in fact our classmates, why don’t you introduce yourselves?

Hu: I know this situation isn’t ideal, but at the very least we should be acquainted with each other before we try and figure out what’s going on.

Teruko: Ehm, introduce myself? In front of all of you?

Teruko: Wouldn’t it be better if I just talked to you individually?

Eden: That’s okay, then introduce yourselves to us one by one.

Charles: Excellent, another 10 minutes of time wasting. Why don’t you two take your time blabbering about insignificant things, it’s not like we’re in a potentially life-threatening situation.

Teruko: …Yeesh.

Xander: Hey!

Xander: Let’s talk to everyone together. That way we’ll both be way less nervous if we’ve got a friend by our side.

Teruko: …

Teruko: Thank you, Xander.

[4ln-stay8]

Behind closed doors- part III

>summary: Han isn’t too happy to find out what his sister is doing lately

>author’s note: I don’t know how I feel about it but I thought the idea was nice ig… I can also take requests if you want to haha THIS IS THE LAST PART

>warning: fluff

>pairing: lee minho x han jisung's sister

On that night you and Jisung bonded again, healing the wounds you caused each other. You finally got your brother back after weeks of ignoring each other.

He made a plan to redeem himself and fix what he broken. Han was regretting the way he made the both of you feel.

Thats why, little to your knowledge, you were outside the JYPE company after weeks of refusing to go there, with some food Jisung asked you to bring. He told you he had dance practice today and that he forgot his snacks and he was feeling a bit edgy today.

To your surprise, the man you were meeting behind the dance studio door wasn’t your brother. It was your lover, well technically ex lover.

- Hi! you said with a little voice I am looking for Jisung!

- He is at the dorm today. He has a day off!

- Oh…. He didnt tell me…

- How are things between you? he asked with a voice so little you could barely hear it

- We are ok now. He is being nice lately. How about you two? Did everything go back to normal?

-Not really. It’s really awkward between us… He- I can see how guilty he feels about it all and I felt guilty too for a while. We forgave each other but I can still see the guilt in his eyes…

-Yeah he still feels guilty about it all. I see it too. But please don’t hold a grudge against him.

-I don’t. I don’t blame him as I would’ve probably done the same, but his guilt wont change the fact that I lost you!

-I am so sorry Min! I know you hate me, god I hate myself! But please, please try to work things put with him.

- Who said I hate you? God I love you way too much to even think about hating you!

-You do?

-Would it change anything if I would?

-It would change everything Min! You whispered softly

-I do! I love you so much I dressed your pillow in your shirt and hugged it every night before sleep! I love you so much that you are the only thing on my mind. I love so so much that I cannot even breathe without you being right by my side!

Without a second thought you dropped the bag of snack that you still had in your hand, along with your bag and ran straight into his arms, collapsing your lips on his.

He hold you so close and so tight as if he was scared you’d disappear. He kissed you back so passionately until you ran out of breath.

-I love you so so much too Min! You whispered between your breaths hugging him closer to you

Minho kissed you softly again and again and again until you heard giggles from the door. You slowly break away, turning to the door.

-I guess my plan worked? said a shy Han

-I don’t know, was your plan to get your sister to kiss me?

- I- it was supposed to get you back together… Didn’t it worked? You just kissed I thought-

- We did kiss Ji, but that doesn’t mean he will give me another chance.

- Thats not even a question jagiya! You’re all mine from now on! All mine only mine! said Minho kissing your temple

-Well then I guess your plan worked Ji!

- Are you ok with me dating your sister Hanjishi?

-I know I was a brat last time, but honestly I would rather have someone I trust date her than someone who will break her heart!

-Thank you Ji! You said running to hug him

-Just so you know Minho hyung, you hurt her and I’m going for your babies! said han with a serious tone

-I wouldn’t even dare to hurt her! And by the way, Im not letting you near Soonie Doognie or Dori ever again!

You laugh at the most important boys in your life. You were happy again! You made up with your brother, you got back together with the love of your life! Life was good again because your life was back into your arms!

Author’s note:

This is the last part. Its short but I didn’t feel the story the way I felt it at the start. I gave them the ending they deserved and I hope you guys like it even a little. Its not the best story and Im not the best writer, I can’t even call myself a writer lol, but I enjoyed writing it so I will continue to write stuff. My requests are open if you have any ideas you want to share, even if its a written story or a fake text scenario. I hope you guys liked it and you’ll hear from me soon

[goingmerryfics]

So since you’re on impel down you’ve surely seen my darling favorite villain Sir Crocodile so may i request just some soft x reader fluff or headcanons for him x a trans male reader i never see x masculine stuff for him but I love him very muchhhhhhh thank youuu 💚👉👈

Trans Male Reader w/ Crocodile

Content: Trans Male reader, he/him pronouns, coming out. No emphasis on if they’re pre or post-op top or bottom so feel free to picture this as you will. No NSFW!

Notes* Thank you for the ask! When I tell you I fell in love with this man the moment he showed up in Alabasta-

You’re not the only one he’s interacted with that doesn’t fully align with the stereotypical gender norms See: Mr. 2

Anyway, as a trans man myself, I’m very happy that this just so happened to be my first official ask. It kind of turned into a bit of a comfort fic, hope that's ok! Please enjoy!

Crocodile

Crocodile knows you’re trans before you tell him

So while you were panicking about coming out to him in the midst of your blossoming relationship, (What if he loses trust in me? What if he reacts badly?) he was oblivious because in his eyes, there was nothing wrong. He was dating you, and you identifying as male or female or otherwise didn’t matter. You managed to worm your way into his heavily fortified heart somehow. Labels didn’t mean fuck all to him if he was already in love with you

Eventually when you do come out to him through ugly tears and hyperventilation, he just kind of blinks at you

“Huh? Why are you crying over that?”

It takes you by surprise

While you’re trying to calm yourself he opens his arms and offers you a hug, which you take happily

While he’s holding you to his chest, he pulls the cigar out of his mouth and sighs

“All that matters is that you’re mine.”

You felt your body begin to relax, surrounded by the warmth of the man holding you tight enough to crack your spine. You’d soaked the front of his shirt with tears and a bit of snot, and yet he didn’t seem to mind. Crocodile holds his cigar away from you so you won’t go into a coughing fit before you can catch your breath, while also being careful of the hook on his other hand- the last thing he needed right now was to snag you on it and hurt you while already in a vulnerable state.

His quiet comfort was enough to pull you out of the panicked state, but he didn’t let up until he felt you take a step back. There was a pause while you wiped up your face as best as you could with your sleeve, and Crocodile stayed patiently waiting until you were ready to look up at him again.

“Better?”

You nod, and apologize for the outburst, but he clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes.

“If I’d known you were so scared to tell me this, I would have let you know a long time ago that I already knew.. Now let's go clean you up.”

Now that the animosity is out of the way though, it feels like your relationship has changed for the better. You feel much more comfortable with him

More importantly, you feel more comfortable sharing certain things with him- and he feels much more comfortable asking questions, too!

One day he asks you what Dysphoria feels like, and man did that take you a few hours to put into words and even then your explanation didn’t feel exactly right

He lets you know very quickly that if there’s anything he can do (he means anything he can pay for, really) that all you need to do is ask and consider it done

He understands when there are days where you don’t want to be touched in certain spots

He makes sure to make it known to anyone else who may know you’re trans that you will not be disrespected whether in his presence or not. If anyone dared to misgender you, he would deal with them accordingly

He also does things that will help you feel ‘manly’, like asking you to open a jar for him even if he could very well open it himself

Long story short, he loves and respects you no matter what

[idoltime]

Idol Time’s Second Episode featuring ATLAS’ Sim Haedam (@svtlas), aired on March 22nd, 2024 with the shows returning and permanent host, Everlast’s Cody. Once again, the video earned quick attention and was trending #3 for weeks after its initial release which was a big success for show itself.

Cody appears on screen immediately after the intro is played and the bright Idol Time logo is shown, and similar to last episode, queue cards in one hand and mic in the other, with an overstretched smile replacing the previous blank expression he wore.

“Hi, and welcome back to Idol Time! The only interview show you need to tune in for and quite possibly the best show you’ve ever seen. Obviously hosted by me, Cody!”

“I’d just like to thank everyone for the support on the first episode, like, if I didn’t feel famous before, I really feel it now and all that funny stuff. Now, let’s introduce the second guest of our show ATLAS’ Haedam!”

Cody lets a dramatic pause pass before signalling for Haedam to enter the room. He does so with a small smile and raises both his hands to wave excitedly as he walks towards his seat.

“Hello! As you already know, my name is Haedam and I am the maknae of the seventeen subunit ATLAS and formerly a member of X1!” They both clap at Haedam’s introduction before Cody raises the mic to his mouth. “Welcome, Haedam. Anything you’d like the viewers to know about you?” He questions.

“Uhm…I like playing the guitar sometimes, baking, and hanging out with my members. Oh, and I’m really interested in building legos! I also have type one diabetes, I don’t think that's been mentioned before but I’m super excited to be here! I love interviews and stuff!”

Cody smiles in response to Haedam’s energy and flips over to the next queue card for the next set of questions.

“You’ve told both me and the viewers you were a former X1 member, so how was the survival show experience for you?” Haedam sighs, looking a little uneasy at the mention of the topic.

He swallows, visibly uncomfortable, whilst he finds his words. "It was fun....overall i think? but there were definitely parts that were really awful. They focused more about our performances and stuff than anything else. if we were sick... it didn't matter. It sucked. I don't think I would do it again."

Cody silently nods in agreement, knowing exactly how Haedam felt at the time.

“Personally, I think all future survival shows should be banned, period. But nobody’s gonna listen to me anyways, guys, trust me when I say they are not all that fun. Anyways, how’d it feel to place 3rd out of all those people? That’s a pretty high rank.”

Haedam’s face softens at the slight change in topic, seemingly quite proud of himself. "It felt really good! I was so proud of myself! Of course like, it would've been cool to be first but like, I'm grateful to have made it at all."

He grins. “I was honestly so surprised, it felt unreal to know that I had done a good enough job to make it through to the end.”

“How’d it feel when X1 disbanded, was it a big moment for you?” Cody asks.

Haedam’s eyes fixate themselves on the pattern of the floor as he talks, "Woah. I mean, I cried a lot. It was really scary because I didn't do anything wrong and it felt like I was being punished. I made a lot of friends in x1 and it hurt to have them taken away from me."

The room goes silent for a little, with Cody fumbling around with the order of the queue cards until he finally gets them in the correct sequence.

“It must’ve been a tough time for you to deal with, especially since X1 was your first group but you were given a second chance as a seventeen sub-unit. How did it feel when you knew ATLAS would be debuting?”

"I was so happy to have another chance. but i was so scared about it. I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like I had some type of curse, and that maybe my new group would disband suddenly too because I was in it. I love my group members, they reassured me a lot and helped me feel better about it."

“That's great, I’m glad you’re having a better time with ATLAS. But rumour has it, you were rigged into the X1 lineup, is that true?”

Haedam’s face contorts to one of shock, horrified that anyone would ever think that about him.

"I really wasn't rigged in, guys. I promise I have the papers here."

Now, Cody looks around, surprised at Haedam’s last few words.

“Wait—How did you even manage to get something like that?” Haedam shrugs, laughing it off.

“Don’t worry too much about it. I asked for these after X1 disbanded because I felt like it was maybe my fault but it wasn't....if anything maybe I was ranked lower than I should have been."

Cody laughs along with him, “Okay, fair enough. Any scandals you want to talk about?”

“Other than the X1 scandals people don't really make a lot of bad news that trend about me? at least ones that i want to address. So, thank you?"

“You’re lucky,” Cody responds and Haedam lets out a small hum. “Before we end the interview, any extra things you need to say or any upcoming projects?”

Haedam grasps onto his mic. “I wanna say hi to my old X1 members if they're listening! Hi guys! I miss you all! and hi to my hyungs because they're definitely watching! It's supposed to be a secret...but we may or may not have a comeback coming soon. You guys didn't hear it from me though."

Cody’s face brightens, “Well, it is comeback season. Now, some final words for the viewers of this episode?”

Haedam waves frantically and quickly thinks before answering.

“Bye everyone! Thank you so much for listening to me! Please keep tuning into idol time because it's really cool! Have a great day!"

Cody copies Haedam’s wave as they wave in sync, “I couldn’t have said it better myself, see you next episode!” The video cuts to the bright blue logo before fading out into darkness once more.

[your-queer-dad]

parents and school and everything is getting a hell of a lot more dangerous for me way fast I’m trans in Florida with a fuck ton of disorders I send stuff here to vent a lot never sign my shit so you probably don’t recognize me by my situation or typing cause a lot of people here vent about similar stuff but I said before things are dangerous I don’t have safe spaces or people but there’s this new kid in class and our schools hella bigoted the kids were joking about nazi shit again and this guy was like dude why are y’all so racist and stuff and it was such a shock hearing someone else say somethin when I first went to this school I tired reporting kids and talking to them and explaining etc nothing worked they don’t care teachers are worse then the kids etc and I got rlly nervous about it cause I get assaulted and bullied alot and they all made fun of me and said I was paranoid it’s just jokes I have my head up my ass and I’m like truamadumping by explaining why bigotry is bad not even using my experiences!! so after a couple months I stopped talking but this one new guy just completely called it out in the smoothest way possible and then when everyone tried making excuses he was like nah that’s stupid actually anyway my parents are getting more dangrous and I’m struggling with my health and trying to get them to actually make appointments with the fucking doctors so my medical shit doesn’t catch up to me and mess me up more and I still don’t have a job or drivers license I’m seventeen trying to get hours for the license and trying to get medically ok enough to put effort towards the hours and a job and getting my homework done that a whole thing I’m in so many classes this year and it’s to much work and the classes are at the same time so no matter what I have to miss a lesson etc anyway I’m so stressed everything’s going to shit basically but this one kid is nice lowkey and mentally I’m doing better I used to be a lot worse due to stress but I stop blaming myself and proriize my health and manage to make things slightly better with my routine by fighting for years with my parents and it finally paid off sort of it’s really weird now things are so much more dangerous and I’m the most scared ever but also mentally clear the most I’ve ever been I can actually feel lonely and hungry and thirsty and process the emotions I couldn’t do that before and I’m in less pain generally my plans are paying off years and years of planning and working and just like locking in and trusting my gut no matter what anyone does to me I’m happy I was right I would eventually meet someone who wasn’t racist and I did and even if things are more dangerous now and everything’s gone to shit at school and home I have what I need to really flip shit around I just need to rest and get a little more energy to pull it off

also there’s a whole thing with like my parents putting me in situations wheee they knew I’d get hurt and assaulted then they leave me to it I’ve almost died a lot because of medical neglect I need to be like not put through extreme stress assaults intense sports and getting threatened to get killed and etc but hey that never stopped them new schools new intense extra curriculars with people who hurt me in every kind of way and leave me to die being put in places that work against my mental disorders leaving me to fail and then blaming me when it happens or when I try to get out or talk my way out or go to the bathroom so I can calm down from panic attacks and getting ducking assaulted just to be followed in the bathroom and assaulted there to :/ and when I tell my parents I get hit with the “well high school is hard for everyone” not even a full talk just that sentence then I get ignored again also I’ve also been assaulted by my parents so that’s fun/sarcastic “but it’s ok because it’s just family and just roughhousing and just a joke and no one means anything by it this is just what family family is allowed to get touchy does but don’t tell anyone because you know how people are” it really is the home stretch now everything I’ve worked for is paying off and I have the tools to get what u need to leave and get support I just need to stick it out and figure out the specifics and then actually go do it things feel weird physically and mentally I’m dissociating less so I process more and by body feels all different I feel emotional when people are mean to me and lonely to and there’s so much but also when I hit my limit I can’t tell because it doesn’t hurt like before cause I’m not like fatally fucked over anymore it’s weird

anyway I love you dude you’ve really helped being listened to is hella validating thanks dad 🫂

Hey kiddo, gosh I am so so sorry you have to go through all of that. That's awful and you don't deserve any of that. You don't deserve to be treated like that, by your classmates or your parents. And I wish I could take all that pain away from you. I know it sounds cliche but I promise you things will get better. You're seventeen, you're almost there I promise you please hang on til it gets better. There is hope and you deserve all the hope and happiness in the world. 🫂🫂🫂

- dad x

[compassionatereminders]

This is a vent post; I saw ur pinned post and I know you can’t offer specific advice, so don’t worry about that. Thanks for listening!

I’ve been seeing an EMDR therapist for a few months now. The therapy is really helpful! I’ve been able to talk through and process things I’ve never said out loud to others before, and I’m more able to stand up for myself and set boundaries even when I’m anxious about rejection. I don’t want to stop my therapy.

However, facing my trauma and anxiety head on is really scary. I’ve been dissociating more often, especially after sessions, which frightens me because I don’t know how to handle that or what to do. I feel like I’m not in control of my body when it happens, and like I lose a lot of time. It scares me that I lose so much memory of what happens in the hours after sessions, even though I’m told by my roommate I’m just resting or doing regular things during that time.

Some of my trauma that I’m processing is related to being gaslit and being told that I can’t trust my own memory or perception, so it’s extra scary that the dissociation means I can’t remember things right. I feel easily manipulatable, even though I trust my roommate and my friends and I know they wouldn’t lie to me or hurt me. But I have to rely on their version of events, because I don’t have my own. Sometimes I’ll have the same conversation with someone over and over, because the topic distressed me and I ended up forgetting it afterwards. I feel bad that other people have to remind me so often about something we just talked about, and scared that I have to trust that we’ve had this conversation before. It would be so easy for them to lie and say I reacted a certain way, or that I said something I didn’t. I know my friends, and I am sure they would never do that, but the possibility being there is still scary.

I know that, with trauma related therapies, it often gets worse before it gets better. My therapist says that this dissociation is normal and that it should get better over time, and I believe her. My friends with experience with this symptom also say it's normal and just a sign that my brain needs rest after exhausting therapy sessions. But I do really wish it could be better now. I don’t want to lose a day once every week or two after sessions. Especially not now that school is starting back up again.

Thanks again for listening. I hope you're doing well and that you're having a good day today.

I don't have personal experience with dissociative amnesia, but it sounds really scary to lose time and I understand why it's upsetting you. But like other parts of your trauma reactions, it's mostly something you can work on and work through with time and effort. And the fact that you're already in therapy doing EMDR and making progress with that is a really good start ❤️