#I think people are way too mean about ''''weeds'''' and not appreciative of them. Like.. dandelions are super nice looking

[icewindandboringhorror]

Little "bouquet" of random flowers I found growing wild in a yard

[saeish]

simon riley who is a walking contradiction.

“leave and go find someone else worthy of you” except his hips piston into you at such a quickened but deep angle as his arms trap you between the sheets in an undoubtedly possessive manner as if he was to go absolute insane if you were to ever leave him or even dared having such a thought like that.

it reminded you of that ‘bastard from your workplace’ who had offered you an evening out to dinner to discuss ‘work matters’ one friday night, simon would glare at you across the room leaning on the door frame in the process of your getting ready in a way that if any stranger was to witness such a glare they would of sworn he was your enemy “where ya going looking like that pretty girl?”. eventually you found out your coworker was trying to take you home to his and get into your pants. that day you came home to a pissed off simon blaming himself for letting you go, he’d already seen through the idiots plan - call it common sense but it was definitely part of the forward thinking he’d developed from time in the military. “stop getting yourself involved with miserable blokes who don’t even know a thing or two about how to treat a woman proper dove” his fingers delicately remove your necklace lightly tracing your neck with one rough finger. it took a lot trying to convince simon to let the situation go.

simon riley who always reminds you of the analogy he tends to make whenever he notices you get a bit too clingy. “ just a weed that happen’ to be kept alive beside a pretty flower”, you continue kissing down from his jaw to neck practically inhaling his musk in attempt to have it instilled into your senses. his words just end up falling on deaf ears every single time.

“leave and go find someone else worthy of you”, except he accepts the hand crafted bracelet you give him as you say quietly: “you don’t have to wear it, i just thought it would be a nice memory of us when you’re deployed”. he’s brought back to a point in time when you asked what his favourite colour as you run off in suspicion after getting your answer. now he looks down at the bead combination of your favourite colour with his closely inspecting the thing. you begin to mistake his intense stare at the bracelet as a disinterested one causing you to immediately withdraw your hand back muttering how you knew it was a silly idea, however a quicker gloved hand gets a hold of yours as he snatches the bracelet from your hand without thought. “sorry dove i ain’t mean it like that i’ve just never been gifted such a thing like this before, i really do appreciate it. it’s not silly at all.” moments after your wrists are engulfed by simon’s hands on the sheets as the bracelet adorns his own wrists. “better not hear news that you let some bastard in your panties when i’m gone, ya hear love?” you hastily nod as you throw your head back in ecstasy to then pull simon down to indulge in a deep kiss.

simon riley who feels it necessary to firmly claim you as his in front of his fellow task 141 members to avoid them making jokes about stealing his “pretty thing away from him”. oh how he regrets so deeply the time when he accidentally revealed a picture he took of you that one time you were in your pretty yellow sundress; it was something simon just couldn’t let go of or else it would of been gone in a blink of an eye so he decided to take a picture. as much as you hated being caught off guard in pictures simon’s photo was different, he managed to capture a radiant smile that was enhanced by that sundress you wore that day. such a prized possession reached the eyes of people that weren’t him. his intentions to show them pictures of the enemy base sight took a turn when in the middle of his swiping the men would catch a glimpse of your picture. “pretty lass you haven’t introduced us to yet?” johnny raises his brow with a wide grin on his face. “is she your missus? didn’t know you were into young women like her”, price lets out a chuckle and lightly elbows simon. “better shut your bloody mouths”. now they get a glimpse of your bracelet as it falls down from his wrist to his lower hand but none of them dare to say an inch. shit, and you were debating on how long the string should be and stuck with the smaller side of the scale. “did ya see the thing?” price mutters to johnny, “eh, what are you on about?” “the bracelet ya knob!”. johnny gives him an expression of sudden realisation letting out a long ’ahhhh’. “I know it ain’t one that you can get from ya local jewelry shop down the road, it’s definitely from the missus he still ain’t tellin us about”. “you guys are still going on about simon’s mystery woman?” kyle walks into the mess room shaking his head, “you know how simon will react if he catches you guys talking about her.” johnny gets off of his chair slapping a hand against the table, “oi we weren’t talking about his bonnie lass in particular but we were actually-

simon walks into the room with a flat expression on his face causing complete silence among the men way too quickly. “oi is there a problem?”

simon riley who eventually returns at the end of his deployment with the belief that no one was at home waiting for him anyways except to his irony you were there patiently waiting for him the whole time, waiting to welcome him back and accept him in such comforting arms. when he’s finally in your hold you urge him to stop his bluffs, stop all the pushing and insisting you to stay as far away from him as possible and you finally finally tell him you don’t care about whatever terrible thing he could possibly be in comparison to you, you just want to be able to hold him and truly declare that “you’re the only one worthy of me and you’ll always be the only one worthy of me”.

requests always open ･:*

[gay-dorito-dust]

I think it's canon that stan smokes and gets high when he was younger

So I'm thinking reader (they are as old as the og mystery twins) is the type to smoke when they're stress and they say that smoking/getting high clears the fog in their brain

So how do you think stan & ford react to this? I mean they know it's bad but it helps them

Most research about the negative effects of weed I found online, whether or not half of them are actual negative effects is beyond me.

Stan isn’t a hypocrite, he’s gotten high before and so he knows what state your life must be for you to resort to getting high as a stress relief.

He fully understands why you’d always resort to doing such a thing but would remind you that you could always come to him if anything was ever bothering you instead of resorting to getting high.

‘I appreciate it but I don’t want to bother you with what goes on in my head, half of the time I can’t even put it into words that best describes what I’m going through but with this,’ you raised your blunt, ‘it helps me in ways that talking to someone else never could.’

‘Okay, just know I’m here to talk toots.’ Stanley said as he patted your shoulder and left you be.

Stan did it to escape everything and avoid the consequences of his own actions, so much so that he often abused the substance on more then one occasion, but after Dipper and Mabel came for the summer, he has later learned to cut down his smoking sessions for the betterment for the twins and himself.

So whenever he sees you heading out towards your designated smoking spot- the top of the shack- he’d sometimes join you for a smoke, especially when Ford came back and had been nothing but a stubborn nuisance as you shared common worries while the smell of his cigarette and weed was all you could smell.

Neither of you spoke but there was a solidarity between the two of you until you were done. Stan knew that it wasn’t exactly healthy but he wasn’t going to cut you off weed completely if it helped when you needed it most, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t not join you to make sure you weren’t abusing the substance like he did when he was younger.

Ford fully understands that weed is a natural product that can calm people who suffer from anxiety and stress related issues, but over-usage of it was highly discouraged.

Ford knew his brother did similar things in his youth and hated it then, but knowing that you did also only made his distaste for the strong smell stronger as he would then avoid any and all areas that you smoked in, and yet the smell clung to you like second skin and Ford was reminded of how much he hated the stuff and would try to give you something that would hopefully act as a replacement for weed.

Unfortunately for Ford it didn’t work and by the end of the week you were back to smoking weed almost on the regular to destress.

He’d even list off the risks you’d run if you low using the substance.

CHS syndrome

Elevated anxiety

Paranoia

Psychosis illnesses such as schizophrenia

Addiction to weed, if you hadn’t already formed one.

Confusions and or potential hallucinations

And so many more but the more he listed the less you seemed to care as you had relied on the weed for a good majority of your life, and did so in controlled quantities but understood Ford’s worries regardless in the matter and placed a hand on his shoulder.

‘I’m fine Ford, I know it’s not exactly good for me but it’s the only thing that helps.’ You tell him.

‘I’m here.’ Ford replied, a little hurt that you didn’t think of him as a good option for distressing.

‘You’re far too busy in your lab or out monster hunting to sit still for ten minutes and listen to me talk about my worries.’ You said as though it was obvious. ‘So weed is my only resort to calm mind.’

‘Meditation exists, so does journaling and or scrapbooking?’ Ford suggests and it was obvious that he was trying to mitigate any permanent damage you might do to yourself in the future.

‘Not my thing and I lack the patience when this mind is loud as fuck.’ You shrugged before walking up to the top of the shack to smoke, leaving Ford a little at a loss of what he could do for you now. He didn’t condemn you for your usage of weed, but he just worries that an addiction will grow from it and he wants to be there for you, he just doesn’t know how…

[cxrdycxps]

Pretty Hurts • Ellie Williams

☢️ female reader • lesbian reader (it’s well defined) • canon typical violence • sexual assault • mean!ellie can’t deal with feelings • victim shaming • strap on sex • Ellie’s also mean in bed • recreational drug use ☢️

Main Masterlist • Ellie Williams Masterlist

“Jesse! Hey, Jesse.” You chased your friend up the street, almost running into him when he stopped suddenly. He looked you up and down, eyes narrowed. It had been unseasonably warm today but he was sure you were pushing it.

“What’s got you all dressed up, Princess?” Jesse asked and you looked down at your outfit like you needed a reminder of what you were wearing. “Or dressed down, I guess?”

“You think it’s hot?” You asked him and he blanched, looking over his shoulder as if Dina would appear out of nowhere to hear the conversation. “Not for you obviously.”

Jesse would admit there was a certain allure to it. He would admit that on his death bed where a very jealous Dina wouldn’t be able to strangle him for it.

You had your usual cowboy boots on that you wore year round. You had been heartbroken when you busted your last pair beyond repair while on patrol one day. Ellie had saved the day almost three weeks later when she returned with a new pair for you.

Usually you could be found clad in a tight pair of jeans, weirdly proud of your looks for someone who had been born after the world ended. It had earned you the nickname of Princess by most of your peers. Today, instead of the typical jeans, was a short denim skirt. You had clearly sacrificed a pair of jeans for them but Jesse could appreciate the sacrifice. Completely unbiased, just as a man.

He was starting to get paranoid Dina would hear his thoughts. At this point he was going to deserve to be strangled. The top you were wearing was also of your own doing. It had been a white blouse once, Jesse guessed. Except now it was sleeveless and cropped, tying at the front in a little knot. You hadn’t bothered to button it all the way.

“Well that answers that.” You grinned happily and Jesse blinked at you. “You were staring, it means I look hot.”

You gave him a little twirl and he was treated to a glimpse of what he was certain was definitely your underwear. He closed his eyes and asked the lord for strength, if he even existed.

“Tonight’s the night.” You told him enthusiastically. Jesse still hadn’t gathered enough brain cells to answer you but it was like you didn’t need him to. Like you could read his mind in the way he feared Dina could. “Ellie’s finally coming to a dance.”

“Think you’ve picked it up wrong, Princess. Ellie doesn’t dance. Ellie actively avoids dances by hanging out in Joel’s garage and smoking so much she reeks of weed for three days after.” That was oddly specific. Jesse knew far too much about his friends at this point. Ellie’s smoking habits, the color of your underwear. When would it end?

“I know but it’s part of her fixing her relationship with Joel. He likes these things apparently, even though he just sits down the back and glares at people.” You told Jesse excitedly. For some reason Joel liked you.

He told you about how he was trying to fix things between him and Ellie. He talked to you during meals, he patrolled with you and he even had been caught leaving your house.

In the beginning it had been weird. Everyone felt weird about it including Ellie who had callously called you out for fucking Joel a few months after she had arrived to Jackson.

You hadn’t had the best reaction about it. Calling Ellie a slew of names, promptly bursting into tears and running out of the Tipsy Bison. And while Joel would probably murder people for looking at Ellie wrong, he had shaken his head at Ellie, following you out of the bar.

Turns out you had known Joel. He had helped you years ago when he had come across a gang of rival raiders, ones that didn’t have the same barely there morals he had.

No women or no children. He had sworn he wouldn’t do that and he had stuck to it. So when he came across you, barely ten and already far more exposed to the cruelties of the world something in him had snapped.

He had gotten you and your mother away. And the pair of you had made your way to Jackson, only for him to find you years later. Your mother having passed away since he had last saw you.

It just so happened one of the nights he had been walking home late from the Tipsy Bison he had encountered you trying to tell one of the stable boys you weren’t interested.

He hadn’t listened and Joel had intervened, reminding you of that fateful night so many years ago. The puzzle pieces had clicked and you had formed a sort of dependency on the man who had saved your life.

At this point Joel was collecting daughters like they were Pokémon and he was too tired to keep fighting it so he just let you come around when you had some small issue you needed advice on.

You had explained some of this to Ellie the next night, apologizing for calling her names in an act of graciousness nobody was sure Ellie deserved. It wasn’t long until most of your inner circle had put it together that you had a crush on her.

Everyone but Ellie, that was. So you had hatched these elaborate schemes to get her attention and everyone watched when you crashed and burned only to bounce back again and again.

You were kind of unshakeable. It was almost inspiring.

So when you walked into the Tipsy Bison that night with your hair curled and what passed for make up on these days everyone was ready to watch you fail again.

A few of the women had been reclaiming old beauty practices after a particularly good patrol had found an old salon with hair styling tools. And some out of date makeup but it was powders so did it even count as an expiration date?

“She always does so much and for what?” Ellie asked and Joel looked up from his drink to find you scanning the crowd. “Oh god she’s going to coming over here.”

“Cut her some slack, I thought you were friends now.” Joel sighed and Ellie looked back at Joel before looking back at you.

“We’ve nothing in common except Jesse and Dina.” Ellie explained to Joel. Joel knew he was on thin enough ice with Ellie so he didn’t mention that according to you, there was so many shared interests that it just made sense.

Instead of approaching like Ellie had predicted you would after spotting her, you made your way to the bar instead and Joel watched Ellie’s eyes lock on the length of your skirt. Or rather the lack of length to it.

Joel wondered if he was in good enough graces with Ellie again yet to make a joke about it but he caught himself at the last second in case he ruined your best laid plans.

He looked back to you at the bar and found it wasn’t just Ellie’s attention you had managed to capture. Stable boy apparently hadn’t learned his lesson and had returned for more.

Joel straightened up in his seat and wondered if Tommy would kill him for hurting this kid. It would probably be worth it to teach him a lesson.

Joel didn’t need to move because he watched Ellie approach you and slot in on your other side, taking all of your attention. Ellie gestured for three drinks off Seth before turning to look at you.

“New skirt?” Ellie asked and you lit up like the fact that she noticed was the greatest thing ever. Like you couldn’t even hear the stable boy say anything from behind you as he attempted to get your attention back.

“Do you like it?” You asked Ellie, giving her a little twirl so she could appreciate the whole view. Ellie let her eyes trace you up and down as you finished with a little bounce and who was Ellie to not appreciate the way your tits moved.

“I mean, it’s a skirt.” She shrugged and you visibly deflated as Seth approached with the drinks.

“I think it’s a great skirt.” Stable boy told you and you barely looked over your shoulder at him to roll your eyes.

“Literally no one in Jackson cares what you think Darwin.” You snapped and Ellie laughed lightly, nudging the third glass in your direction.

“Come on then.” She instructed and nodded to where Joel was sitting, watching the whole interaction with what was almost a smile on his face.

“With you?” You asked, cradling the drink in your hand and looking between her and the table.

“Unless you want to stay here with Darwin?” Ellie shrugged and started walking away. It was almost embarrassing how quickly you followed her over to the table. Instead of taking the seat she had been in, beside Joel, she took the one across the table from him, kicking the chair beside her out in a casual way that made your heart beat double time.

“Hey Joel, how you doin’?” You asked, smiling at him before taking a sip of your drink. He took his own drink from the table and sipped at it slowly, looking over your shoulder.

“Am I gonna have to talk to Stable Boy?” Joel asked rather than answer your question and you followed his gaze to where Darwin had his elbows leaned back on the bar, watching you.

“She’s plenty capable, ain’t you Princess?” Ellie asked, her arm sliding along the back of your chair. “Put him in his place just now.”

You had been barely paying attention to Darwin at the bar, definitely not enough to remember what you had said. Recalling as much was even hard with Ellie’s fingers tracing the place when you had cut the sleeves off your blouse. Her finger traced your skin lightly and you could feel the goosebumps following in her wake.

“Is that so?” Joel asked with what was almost a smile. “What’d you tell him?”

“I uh, I don’t know.” You muttered, looking back again to find Darwin wasn’t looking anymore, talking to some of his friends. “I wasn’t mean, was I?”

“Told him no one cared about his opinion in all of Jackson.” Ellie sounded proud of you and you leaned further back into her arm with a satisfied grin.

“He should know better than goin’ talkin’ to you anyway.” Joel muttered, swirling his glass as the music started up. “I obviously didn’t scare him enough.”

Ellie looked between you both and back to Darwin. You figured she didn’t know anything about the night Joel interrupted you both in the middle of an argument.

“Darwin’s really not so bad.” You sighed, looking back at him again. He was talking avidly, telling a story with his hands and his friends were laughing. “He just don’t know what to do with a pretty girl.”

“Pretty girl?” Ellie laughed meanly and you looked up at her and swallowed the lump suddenly growing in your throat. “You sure of that?”

You leaned forward, away from her arm and stared at the table before looking up at Joel who was pinching the bridge of his nose. “I uh, I’m gonna..” you trailed off, shaking your head before standing up.

You passed Jesse and Dina who were coming in. They watched you and looked across to where Ellie was watching you leave, her arm still slung around your chair.

You tried to ignore the cold, crossing your arms across your chest and heading for home. You wiped at your eyes feeling pathetic that you were actually gonna cry.

“Hey Princess!” You sighed, looking over your shoulder and found Darwin standing a couple of feet away. “You usually never leave a dance until the music stops playing.”

“I don’t feel much like dancin’.” You shrugged, shivering again. He sighed, stepping a little closer and extending his jacket he had in his hand. “It’s fine.”

“Take it, nothing worse than seeing a pretty girl cry. She don’t need to be cold too.” You laughed at his logic, taking his jacket from his outstretched hand. “What’s got you so upset? Thought all your dreams were coming true with how close you two were.”

“She insinuated I wasn’t pretty.” You told him, feeling pathetic. You wiped your tears away again and Darwin rolled his eyes, stepping close enough to pull you into a hug. “It’s stupid, I know.”

“It ain’t stupid. You know you’re the prettiest girl in town. That’s why everyone calls you Princess.” He assured you, a soothing hand rubbing your back. “We all got our talents and ain’t no one as pretty as you.”

“I got other talents.” You muttered petulantly and he laughed.

“I know you do. You’re a dab hand at tracking, make the rest of us look stupid. When fall comes you make a great apple pie. And you ain’t never failed to put a smile on someone’s face no matter how bad their day is.” Darwin told you with a squeeze. You looked up at him and pouted.

“Why can’t I like you?” You asked him and he laughed, tossing his head back. “Ellie would never say all that to me. She’s just mean.”

“I wish you could like me too. But it ain’t that simple telling your heart what to do.” He released you with one arm, wrapping the other around your shoulder to guide you home.

“Ain’t that for sure.” You sighed before looking back to where the music was pouring from the Tipsy Bison. “You wanna dance?”

“You tryna get my hopes up?” He asked with a laugh and you shook your head at him, squaring your shoulders. “Thought you weren’t up for dancin’?”

“I ain’t but she doesn’t get to know she hurt me like that. So we should go back and dance. I still ain’t gonna crawl into your bed tonight but we can be friends, can’t we?” You asked and Darwin could only roll his eyes, turning back towards the bar.

“Maybe a couple of the other girls’ll see you in my arm and start paying me some attention.” You looked almost offended and he shrugged. “Ain’t you using me to make her jealous?”

You were and he was right about it. It shouldn’t hurt that he was getting something out of it too so you only nodded at him, taking his hand and leading into the bar.

He paused you in the doorway and lifted his hands up to cup your cheeks, his thumbs running under your eyes. “Don’t let her know she made you cry.”

You smiled up at him as the door pushed open. Jesse looked between you and Darwin and paused in place, jaw dropped.

“I was just coming to check on you.” Jesse muttered and you shrugged as Darwin dropped his hands from your face.

“We were just getting some air.” You told Jesse, pulling Darwin back into the bar by his hand. “Nothing to see here.”

///

The sounds of the forest were better to quiet your mind than any of the weed Eugene managed to bring into Jackson. You stood with your head tilted back towards the sun, letting the breeze cool you.

You could hear the noise of the others as they travelled through the small settlement behind you, killing off the runners you’d been tracking.

You didn’t much get involved in that. It turned your stomach at best and made you violently ill at worse.

You had a gun on your hip that you only ever shot at unmoving targets, keeping your skills sharp but without causing harm. You had seen enough blood to last you a lifetime.

“Bout ready to get saddled up again, Princess.” Joel told you from a little to your left. You turned your head to look at him, lifting a hand to block the sun rays. “You finished sunbathing?”

“Almost, a bloater travelled through here. Couple days ago at most.” You told Joel and he looked around, watching for what you saw. You didn’t share any of the details with him. You didn’t need to be out of a job.

“Got enough time?” Joel asked and you shook your head. He nodded slowly, watching the forest with you. “We’ll come out this way again tomorrow. Plan an overnight patrol.”

“Sounds good to me.” You agreed lightly, listening to the sounds of everyone else saddling back up from a little behind the tree line.

“So, stable boy, huh?” Joel asked and you rolled your eyes. You looked up at Joel, still shielding your eyes before turning and heading back to your horse. “I’m just asking.”

“Well don’t. Darwin and I are friends. He’s nicer than other people I chose to associate with recently.” You told him, pulling yourself up onto your horse without bothering to look back at him. “Maybe it’s time I find good friends.”

“You got good friends and none of them tried to force themselves on you in a dark alley.” Joel reasoned as he pulled himself up onto his horse.

“He wasn’t gonna force himself on me.” You sighed. “He was a little drunk and thought I just needed convincin’. He never set a hand on me. I’m not that ten year old anymore.”

“I know that. You’re a woman now and you make your own decisions. I just wanna make sure you’re making good ones.” You stared at Joel, eyebrows furrowed.

“Joel, I uh, I ain’t tryin’ to be rude. But you aren’t my father.” You told him, bewildered at the sharing he was doing when usually a grunt was all the acknowledging you’d get. “You got Ellie for that.”

“You ain’t ever turned my advice down before.” He shrugged and you shook your head.

“Thanks to your advice I was cryin’ outside the bar last week. You told me to have patience but Joel, I ain’t ever gonna let someone talk to me like that.” You sighed. He didn’t reply and you didn’t much care, urging your horse on ahead.

You spent some time discussing an early patrol tomorrow with Tommy. He’d need to put together a small team for overnight so that you could track that bloater and get rid of it.

You resolutely ignored Joel who’s eyes you could feel burning into your back and kept a similar distance from Jesse who was just confused for all intents and purposes.

You didn’t bother taking time to explain to any of your friends why you were quietly drawing away from them. You didn’t know how to explain what finally tipped you over the edge was a dig that maybe you weren’t as pretty as you thought you were.

You were embarrassed to admit it had knocked your confidence a little. You had always held your looks close to your heart. You were a little vain, you knew as much. Your mama had been the most beautiful woman you had known. She had told you about being a pageant queen and how she had loved looking pretty.

Jesse wouldn’t understand it. He wasn’t a girl, he didn’t understand that drive to be worried about how you looked. Dina would laugh at you, of that you were sure. She had always laughed at your need to wear clothes that almost bordered on impractical.

You hadn’t minded before. But now you wondered if maybe you were an outsider. You had been friends with Jesse and Dina way before Ellie had come along but Ellie had slotted in seamlessly to the group. It was a kind of heartbreaking thought that once again you were isolated from everyone else.

On your return to Jackson, Darwin was at the stable, welcoming in the patrol men and taking their horses. You hung around for a while, helping Darwin with brushing the horses and settling them in for the night.

"We'll be heading out again tomorrow." You told him, fighting around a yawn. He looked up from where he was brushing Joel's horse and smiled at you. "Ain't you up for a patrol soon?"

The patrol schedule, like most jobs in Jackson, was rotational. For everyday patrols there was a set schedule and groups who would do them all the time. But the long patrols, the overnight, were a town-wide rotation in which every able-bodied adult took part.

Your momma had said something about jury duty the first time it had come up. You never had a chance to ask her what that had meant.

"Yeah sure, think I'll be in for this one." Darwin nodded, finishing up with the horse and dusting his hands off. He gave you a grin and you rolled your eyes at him, already expecting the stupid joke that followed that particular grin. "You wanna share a sleeping bag?"

"I think I'd rather share it with the bloater we're looking for." You scoffed, tossing his bag at him as you left the stable with him. You cast a look in through the other stables as you both left and found Ellie brushing Shimmer.

She looked over her shoulder at the sound of Darwin chattering and you paused when she called our name. When you paused in place Darwin stopped by your side. Ellie stared between you both, eyes narrowing.

"I'll see you at dinner." You told Darwin with a sigh, resting your arms on the half door of the stable. Ellie watched him walk away before turning to you with a raised eyebrow.

"You heading out tomorrow?" Ellie asked and you nodded, resting your chin on your forearms. She fidgeted with the brush in her hands, barely looking up at you. "Joel says it's a bloater. You ever seen one before?"

"Is this an exam, do I need to get so many questions right before you let me leave?" You asked her and she rolled her eyes, throwing the brush into her bag.

"I was just asking, no need to get your panties in a twist." Ellie scoffed and you huffed, standing up straight. "I can't make conversation with you now? Got your little boyfriend and suddenly you're too good for your friends."

"Like you're a friend? The way that you treat me?" You asked with a scoff and Ellie recoiled as if you had shocked her with something she didn't already know. "You cut me down at every single chance you get and call yourself my friend."

"It was a joke, I can't make a joke?" She asked, almost shouting and you shook your head, running a hand through your hair. "You never had a problem with me making a joke before."

"You never called me ugly before." You muttered and she blinked at you. You stared at her for several seconds as she remained unmoving and sighed. "I never realized you were laughing at me, not with me. It hurt a little."

You left her standing in the stable and wondered how she dared to pretend she hadn't noticed that everything she had said to you wasn't a dig in one way or another.

You had clearly been delusional in thinking that there would ever have been a chance that she was interested in you.

///

The thing about early morning patrols was that most people in the usual patrol group kept it quiet until everyone had fully woken up. By everyone, you meant mostly Eugene and yourself.

Unfortunately, Darwin had chosen this morning to be especially chatty and Ellie was telling Joel a bunch of puns from a tattered book. You leaned forward, your forehead against your horse's mane, and tried to tune it all out before you raised your head again.

"Up late, Princess?" Darwin asked and you groaned, lifting a hand to block out the rising sun from your eyes.

“Dreaming of you, Sweetheart.” You told him before digging your heels in and urging your horse up ahead to Eugene who seemed to be distancing himself from the chatter boxes.

“Damn shame we can’t just tape their mouth shut.” Eugene grunted and you laughed at him, rolling your eyes. “That boy of yours could draw a pack of the biters with a whisper.”

“He ain’t mine.” You laughed and Eugene shook his head, pulling down his sunglasses to look at you. “He’s not my type.”

“The other loud mouth is though.” He pointed out and you sighed heavily, reaching out and attempting to swipe his sunglasses.

“Cmon old man, I know you stole my last pair. I just know it.” You accused and he shook his head with a smirk as he batted your hands away.

“You can’t prove it, Princess. You’ll have to keep a look out for your own.” He told you and you sighed. You were approaching the location you had spotted bloater tracks so you sat up straight and reached back to tie your hair up in a ponytail.

Darwin joined your sides the same filthy grin on his face that you knew a comment was coming. “You know what that does to me, baby.”

“You make me want to vomit.” You replied with a sigh, pulling on your horses reigns and hopping down. Eugene followed you while the others waited back.

“Think it might have fallen off a cliff and died and we can just all go home?” Eugene asked and you rolled your eyes. You followed the signs that lead you to your discovery the other day.

Several of the plants had been squashed in the surrounding area. On several of the trees there was residue from the bloater knocking into them. The terrible echolocation skills allowed you to follow their path pretty easily.

“Dumb motherfucker got me wasting a whole day and night on this shit.” Eugene sighed, watching you follow the path of destruction. He went back for your horses and to gather everyone else.

You took your time, watching the signs and clues. At one point the bloater had just wandered in a circle, trampling a ring of destruction. You figured it was probably chasing an animal or something.

When the others caught up you accepted the reigns of your horse off Eugene and hopped up on her back. The group was much quieter as you followed the trail.

You had been right about one thing. The bloater had been a few days ahead of you. By the time the sun was beginning to set you were still over a day behind it. With the slow speed it travelled you would be well able to catch up the following morning and be home before sundown.

With that news the group made way to the nearest outpost in a small farm house. The horses were set up in the barn, Darwin offering to do his duty by settling them all in.

The rest of you trailed into the farmhouse.

Joel lit a fire while everyone set up their space for the night. You and Eugene played rock paper scissors for the sofa and he laughed when you lost, setting your sleeping bag up on the floor.

He then lost to Joel who disputed his claim only for him to offer the sofa to Ellie which made you and Eugene roll your eyes.

You hung a pot over the fire, unpacking a few tins of food. While you waited you dug your fists into the bottom of your back, trying to ease the pain taking residence there.

“I got somethin’ for that!” Eugene called and you only laughed at him. You had no doubt he had an arsenal of ‘stuff’. “You young people shouldn’t be hurting’ like you’re eighty.”

“Youth is wasted on the young.” Joel clapped Eugene on the shoulder in passing.

///

Mostly everyone was sleeping. Eugene was starfished by the fire, his massive form almost blocking the light from it. Ellie was curled up on the sofa, her hand resting down the side, almost touching Joel who was sleeping next to her, still as a corpse. Darwin was closest to where you had set up, almost completely covered by his sleeping bag, only the top of his head peeking out.

You were sat up, turning your gun over in your hand. It was your turn to keep watch and you had sat yourself up on a counter in the kitchen to do so. The floor was open plan so you could still see everyone while keeping an eye on things outside.

The heat of the evening was getting to you and so you took a second to pad outside, wincing at the creak of the screen door. There was a bench on the porch and you lowered yourself into it.

The night was silent, the only sound from the slight rustle of the leaves in the gentle breeze. There was just over half a moon, a natural source of light allowing you to see the trees of the forest.

In times like this it was easy to forget why you were out here. You had never known a life before the outbreak but your momma had told you stories about how she had lived.

You wanted to experience a peagant and see her in all her glory. You wanted a prom and Friday night football games. You wanted to know what it had all been about.

Most of all you wanted your momma. She’d probably be able to comfort you in getting over Ellie. She always was able to calm you down even when the two of you were living through hell.

That was if she was okay with you liking girls. You had never had a chance to tell her about how you felt. She had died well before you had accepted it.

Cancer.

The world ended and zombies took over but cancer was what killed her in the end. Without chemo there was nothing the doctors in Jackson could do.

The people of Jackson had been good to you. You had lived in a boarding house until you were eighteen and then gave you back your momma’s house.

The screen door creaked and you looked up when Darwin stepped out. He didn’t speak and so neither did you, letting him take his place beside you.

“Hard to sleep when we ain’t at home.” He told you after a little while and you nodded in agreement, still watching the forest. “You okay?”

“Just thinkin’ about Momma.” You told him honestly. “I been missin’ her.”

“She’d be real proud of you.” He told you with a cut off laugh. “I remember her. She was real pretty and real nice. Used to help my mom set her hair in rollers on special occasions.”

“She didn’t want beauty to die.” You told him and he nodded. Everyone knew that about her. Some people had thought her vain. But in her eyes it was her culture, her history. Her momma had been the same and even her momma before that.

“As long as you’re alive beauty is sure to be.” Darwin smiled at you and you smiled back, tipping your head to lay on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around you and together you watched the forest.

It was tipping into Darwin’s watch time before he spoke again, calling your name softly to see if you were awake. You hummed sleepily and he chuckled.

“We could’ve been so easy, you know?” He asked, sighing wistfully. You sat up as if you had been scolded and he reached for your hand in apology. “I know, you don’t like men. But if you did it would be easy.”

“Yeah. I’ve always known, you know?” You asked him, laughing humorlessly. “I didn’t get crushes on boys so I just ignored it. And then I met Ellie.”

“Did you ever even try?” Darwin asked, pulling back to look at you. “Did you just write all men off?”

“I didn’t need to try. I knew.” You didn’t like the accusation in his tone and so you leaned back away from him. He released your hand to run a hand through his hair. “I’ve always known.”

“You can’t know something like that.” You opened your mouth to argue with him and he pressed forward, his hand tangling in your hair and holding you in place. He forced himself on you, kissing you so hard your teeth bruised your lips and you gasped.

His tongue invaded your mouth while his hands pawed at your chest. You struggled to push away from him but he was stronger than you. The only sound was the click of your safety, the gun against his stomach.

He froze, not releasing you entirely but pulling his lips back from yours. “What are you doing?”

“Get your hands off me. Right now.” You warned, your voice shaky. He raised both hands, pulling away slowly from you. “If you ever touch me again I-”

“You won’t use that gun, sweetheart.” Even with his hands raised he was cocky about it and you knew he was right. You didn’t shoot infected never mind living people.

“I won’t have to. Joel is plenty fond of using his.” You warned standing up and walking back towards the screen door. He didn’t follow you inside and you paused inside the door.

Eugene and Joel were unmoved. Ellie had rolled over to face the back of the sofa but she was still. You took a moment to gather yourself, wiping the tears off your face.

Your hands were shaking as you returned to your bed roll, pulling it closer to Joel. You pulled the blanket up over your head and tried not to shake with your sobs, freezing when the creak of the screen door signaled Darwin’s return inside.

///

“You okay there, Princess?” Eugene asked quietly. The other three had pulled ahead, the early morning chatter driving you and him a few meters back. When you didn’t answer Eugene tried again. “Princess, you with me?”

“Huh?” You blinked at him, shaking your head and then looking back to him. “I was in my own world. Sorry.”

“Hope it’s damn better than this one.” He sighed and you huffed a laugh before sighing yourself. Ellie and Joel were chatting up the front. Darwin interjected every once in a while but Ellie seemed to be trying to exclude him.

Your eyes were dry from crying and the headache you had wasn’t aided by the sun that was beating down on top of you. Your stomach turned every time Darwin looked back at you.

You wanted to scream at him to stop looking at you. You wanted to tell Joel and Eugene what he had done to you so that they could leave his body in the woods. You wanted to dig your heels in to your horse and gallop into the woods where no one would ever touch you again.

Instead you clutched the reins so your hand wouldn’t shake and you nudged your horse into speeding up to take the lead before Joel could call you.

You were closer to the bloater, somewhere within an hour of its stumbling steps. It was traveling in a wide arc and with time it would return to Jackson’s area. It made the trip worth it. For everyone but you it seemed.

It took less than fifteen minutes for you to land on the bloaters tail. There was scraps of what counted as flesh on the trees, trampled plants and a lack of nature sounds in the area.

When the horses grew too loud you left them back, tying their reins to the trees. Eugene took the lead with Joel following up on the end of the group. The bloater was easy tracked from here.

Eugene had his shotgun loaded and Joel had his rifle. Ellie was using her pistol but she had a Molotov cocktail to get things started. You held your pistol in your grip and hoped you wouldn’t need it. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at Darwin and ensure he had a loaded gun.

The bloater was trying to navigate the forest and found difficulty in getting past the dense trees. Every couple of feet it stumbled and almost knocked itself over.

It was pathetic to watch but you knew once the first shot was taken it would no longer be this stumbling mess but an evolved killing machine.

Joel lifted a hand and pointed at Ellie to stay. Eugene and him circled around until the bloater was unknowingly surrounded. Darwin took post beside Ellie and you stood back, pistol raised and hands shaking.

With a nod Ellie threw the Molotov which burst at the bloaters feet. The infected screeched and roared when Ellie followed with two shots from her pistol.

Eugene raised his shotgun as you looked around. A shot went off followed by Joel’s rifle and the bloater hit the ground. You were still looking around, following imprints in the ground. There was a second pair of bare feet, much smaller than the bloater. You had missed them.

You turned to warn everyone, all of them gathered by the bloater. Just behind Ellie a stalker approached. You didn’t have time to warn them when two shots sounded. The stalkers body dropped and so did you.

Your knees buckled from under you landing you in the dead leaves and branches on the ground. You had dropped your gun, hands over your ears trying to block out the sound.

Joel was checking over Ellie who had barely moved despite how close your bullets had come to her head. She was staring at the stalker, two bullets lodged in its head.

Darwin got to you first and reached for you but you scrambled away. “Don’t touch me. Don’t fucking touch me.”

You reached for your gun again and pointed it at him catching Joel and Eugene’s attention as Darwin raised his hands in surrender. “Don’t ever touch me again.”

You knew you were sobbing, your hands shaking violently. Joel and Eugene were talking to you and you knew you should listen but you couldn’t. You had shot someone. You had shot someone to save Ellie. An infected, sure. But it had been someone once.

“Hey there, Princess.” Her voice broke the quiet. “I’m gonna take that from you. I ain’t a fan of Darwin either but we can’t shoot him.”

She reached out and hit the safety on your gun before removing it from your shaking hands. You looked from Darwin to her and she shushed you when you tried to speak. “That’s okay, I just don’t wanna muck out the stalls if he’s dead.”

“I shot someone.” You whispered and Ellie shook her head. You could still see the body of the stalker so you nodded. “I did. I killed someone.”

“You saved my life, that’s what you did. You saved me.” Ellie told you and you blinked, focusing on her face. “You did your job and tracked the bloater and then you tracked the stalker. You saved my life, Princess.”

“I should’ve, I couldn’t-”

“Shh, that’s okay. Why don’t we head on home?” Ellie asked, helping you up off the ground. “Get some warm food and a decent bed to make up for last night. You okay to ride?”

“I can share with her.” Darwin reached out and you flinched away into Ellie. “It’s okay, Princess. It’s just me.”

“Don’t let him touch me.” You begged Ellie quietly. “Please don’t let him touch me.”

Ellie kept one arm around you as she guided you to the horses. She was talking to you quietly but all you could see was your shaking hands. The hands of a murderer.

“Time to get on up. You can share with me, okay?” Ellie asked. On autopilot you climbed up onto Shimmer and shifted forward when the press of Ellie warmed against your back.

“You and I are gonna talk when we get home.” Joel muttered in the background and you released a breath. Joel would protect you just like always.

///

You were in your bed. You didn’t know how you had gotten there. You were also in pyjamas. You didn’t remember putting them on. You felt off balance and shaky as you swung your legs over the edge of your bed.

The light behind your curtains told you it was midday but the last thing you remembered was closing in on the bloater with the others. When you staggered to your feet it came back to you slowly.

The stalker. You had shot it. Darwin’s hands reaching for you. Ellie and her calming voice trying to soothe you on the ride back to Jackson.

You opened your bedroom door and listened closely for voices. You and Dina lived together in your mommas old house. It wasn’t so much an offer you had made but a decision Maria had. Housing was better used for families than one single person and so Dina had joined you when her family were gone.

When you reached the living room Ellie was asleep on the sofa which surprised you. She had said something about beds. You could remember that much.

You wiped your eyes tiredly and fought a yawn as you stepped into the living room. She hadn’t changed her clothes or even gone home. Her pack was by the top of the sofa. You nudged one of her legs and her eyes opened slowly.

She sniffled a bit, a hand running over her face. When she blinked and looked up she saw you and rushed to sit up on the sofa. “You’re awake!”

“Just barely. What are you doing here?” You asked, confused. Ellie’s eyes tracked the length of your body and you folded your arms across your chest. Your pajamas weren’t the most attractive attire. “How did I get here?”

“I brought you home.” Ellie explained, patting the space beside her. You took a seat but left more distance than she had intended between you both. “You were sort of out of it for a while.”

“Yeah, that’s happens sometimes.” You muttered and looked down at your hands. “Did you put me to bed?”

“No. That was all Dina. I’ve been down here the whole time, I swear.” You nodded at her words and yawned again. Ellie didn’t say anything and you had nothing to say so you leaned back on the sofa and pulled your legs up under you.

You almost drifted off again when Ellie cleared her throat. You turned your head to look at her but she was staring down at her hands instead of meeting your eyes. “Darwin told us what happened.”

“Did he now?” You asked. Your hands tightened into fists so that they wouldn’t shake and you turned your face away from her to hide your expression. “I’m sure it was very informative.”

“He told us he kissed you.” Ellie sighed and you scoffed, shaking your head. “Yeah, Joel didn’t believe that story. So he asked him again, a little more forceful.”

“Oh.” You weren’t sure what else to say to that. You didn’t like the thought of people getting hurt but Darwin hadn’t cared about hurting you. “Is Joel gonna be in trouble?”

“No. Darwin isn’t going to talk to anyone about what happened.” Ellie assured you and you nodded slowly, your lips pursed. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Wasn’t you, was it?” You asked quietly. You fixed your gaze on the wall and picked at the skin around your nails. “Why haven’t you gone home?”

“Because I wanted to make sure that you were okay. And I wanted to apologise because I seen him do it. I saw him kiss you and I turned around and went back to bed.” You continued to stare at the wall and didn’t even try to fight the tears that welled in your eyes. “I didn’t know what it was. I heard arguing and I was just checking on you both. When I looked out you were kissing.”

You tried to fight it. The lump in your throat. Ellie was desperate to explain to you and you knew it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t have known. But she should’ve known something hadn’t been right.

You sniffed and wiped at your face, flinching away from her hand when she reached for you. You blinked and more tears fell. “You guys were the first. You, Jesse and Dina. I hadn’t even admitted to myself really.”

You sniffed again and wiped under your nose with your sleeve. You probably looked a mess right now but for the first time in your life you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. “I uh- I never told my Momma. I didn’t know how she’d feel, always wanted me to find a husband. Give her grandbabies.”

“I told Darwin that I ignored it. That I always knew but I pushed it down.” Ellie stayed silent as you swallowed past the lump in you throat, wiping your eyes roughly with your sleeves. It took you a couple of seconds to get talking again and Ellie stared at her lap, picking her nails. “I told him it was you that helped me realize it. That helped me be confident enough to come out.”

Ellie opened her mouth but you only shook your head, raising you hand to stop her. Your hand was shaking and you clenched it into a fist letting it drop back down into your lap. “I’ve had people tell me I’m too pretty to be gay. I trusted you all to believe me.”

“So you’re saying this is my fault?” Ellie asked in shock and you sniffed again shaking your head. You scrubbed your hand over your face and swallowed past the recurring lump. “That’s what it fucking sounds like.”

“It’s no one faults but Darwin. He shouldn’t have done what he did but didn’t you question it for a second?” You asked her desperately. “Wasn’t there some part of you that wondered why I would do that with him. A man who has a history of being a little too forceful with his come ons?”

“How the hell was I supposed to know you hadn’t changed your mind? You always flirt with him! You were dancing together and you get dinner!” Ellie was yelling now but you didn’t have it in you to yell back. You were so drained of energy. “The short fucking skirts and tight jeans? Your tits are out most of the damn time.”

Ellie covered her mouth when your head snapped to look at her. Your jaw had dropped and your eyes widened as he words sunk in. “So it’s my fault?”

“No- that’s not what I’m-” Ellie stuttered out a half response and you stared at her. Waiting for something different. Waiting for her to explain it.

“You gave me the confidence to come out. To be myself and dress how I like. To not care about people thinking I’m too pretty to be gay. And everyday since you’ve chipped away at that confidence. You can have it all. Just get out of my house.” You spoke evenly but your voice cracked at the end and you swallowed. “Don’t come back. I don’t care if it’s to see Dina, I don’t care if the house is on fire, I don’t care if the walls of Jackson fall down. Just don’t come back.”

“Princess, please-”

“Get the fuck out! Get out now!” You screamed at her and she raised her hands in defense, heading for the door. You watched her leave before curling up on the sofa and crying yourself back to a fitful sleep.

///

“You okay?” You nodded at Dina as you grabbed your bag off the chair in the kitchen. She held out a mug and you sipped at it between attempts to slip into your boots. “New jeans?”

“Don’t.” You hadn’t talked about any of it you didn’t tell her why you argued with Ellie, why she couldn’t come around anymore. You didn’t give any excuse other than the colder weather for the reason you were covered in layers. “I’ve got an early patrol. I’ll make dinner.”

Dina watched you tie your hair back into a loose ponytail at the base of your skull. It hadn’t been curled since that disastrous patrol. Your face was usually free of make up now and Dina finally understood what you had tried to explain.

The beauty was half of who you were. Your sunny disposition was the other half. Without you putting effort into either halves you were just a shell, pushing through each day.

“I’m off today. I can make dinner. We can have some people over. Jesse, maybe Joel and Ellie?” Dina offered and you looked up from your mug, eyes narrowed. “Or not Ellie?”

“I don’t want her in the house, Dina.” You warned her, checking your gun was loaded before tucking it into the holster by your hip. “It’s non-negotiable.”

“If you would just tell me why I could help.” Dina insisted. She stopped in front of you and reached for your arms. You flinched away from her. “You went on patrol and you came back different. Eugene says you shot a stalker and it shook you? Why is Ellie the bad guy?”

“God, Dina! No one is the bad guy, okay?” You snapped, pulling away from her further, taking steps backwards. “It was time I got my priorities in order.”

Dina couldn’t reply before you turned on your heel and left the house, the door slamming behind you. She sighed and watched out the window as you headed for the stables.

Eugene was waiting for you when you arrived, tossing a pair of sunglasses at you. You almost fumbled, catching them at the last second. “Time you stop complaining, ain’t it?”

“Where’d you find ‘em?” You asked, sliding them on against the sunshine. You grinned and Eugene and he smiled back, leading you toward the two prepared horses.

“I didn’t. Someone passed them along for you.” Your grin dropped. You knew what that was code for. You busted a boot a week ago, a new pair waited on the porch in the days that followed. Now there was sunglasses while you were heading out on patrol.

“She should mind her own business.” You didn’t take the sunglasses off though. You needed them and they were a rarity these days. You pulled yourself up onto your horse, patting Henry on his neck as you headed for the gates.

“Think she feels bad. Don’t know why, ain’t her fault. Ain’t anyones fault. Accidents happen on a patrol, you shot the stalker. Everyone survived.” Eugene muttered waving the guards of the gate off. You nodded at Jesse when he shouted his goodbye.

“It’s a more personal issue.” You explained and Eugene nodded. You didn’t elaborate further and let him draw his own conclusions.

The patrol went easy, it was more a chance to enjoy the sun while riding through the forest. At the last outpost Eugene pulled his horse to a stop and you copied him, lifting your sunglasses to watch him.

“I told them we’d be late back. That we’d have a stop to make.” He offered you a grin and you took him up on that grin, turning your horse to where you knew he wanted to go.

///

You tossed yourself down on the sofa hand extended towards Eugene. He only laughed at you but he did in fact hand over the joint. You inhaled deeply from it and coughed a little.

“Doing God’s work, you know that?” You asked him with a sigh, tilting your head back to look at the ceiling above you.

“Feel like if anyone could do with some relaxin’ then it’d be you.” Eugene sat back on a stool, his own joint between his lips. “Now tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head, Princess.”

“It’s fucking stupid.” You sighed before inhaling again. You counted the cracks in the ceilings before throwing your arm over your eyes. “Darwin crossed a line. A big line.”

“Explained Joel near breaking his nose.” Eugene replied. You hadn’t seen Darwin in the month or so since that patrol but the rumors had reached you that he had returned with a bloody and bruised nose. “He hurt you?”

“He kissed me. Tried to prove some point that I didn’t like men cause I hadn’t tried them.” You explained and Eugene scoffed.

“I ain’t tried men and I sure as shit know I don’t like ‘em. Why would anyone want a man when there’s women?” Eugene asked. You couldn’t help but laugh at him, nodding in agreement. You inhaled again from the joint and lifted your arm to look at Eugene.

“Ellie, well she, I mean. You know how I felt about her, right?” You asked and Eugene only rolled his eyes releasing a puff of smoke. “I mean everyone knew how I felt. I loved her, I think.”

“Yeah, you’d have to be blind not to see it. That past tense is throwing me off though.” Eugene admitted. “What’s caused that?”

“Well she, I mean she saw it right? And she just thought I was kissin’ him. But she knew. Knew I didn’t like men. But she just went back to sleep. Now I ain’t blamin’ her. I ain’t. But why would she do that?” You asked Eugene. “I was just sitting there and he was holding me so I couldn’t pull away. She didn’t even try.”

“Sounds a lot like blame to me.” Eugene huffed and you frowned at him. “Probably sounded like it to Ellie too.”

“I’m not blaming her. I’m blaming Darwin. He’s the one who did it, he’s the one who hurt me.” You argued. “But she didn’t even second guess it.”

“You’re embarrassed. You never let Ellie see you anywhere less than perfect. Suddenly she sees you at the lowest you’ve ever been and you can’t cope with the embarrassment of that.” Eugene ran his fingers through his beard.

“Where in the fuck did that come from?” You asked in shock, sitting up on the couch. “You got a psychology degree or some shit?”

“I got life experience.” He rolled his eyes like it was obvious. “You can’t blame Ellie for Darwin’s actions.”

“I can blame her for her reaction. She said it was my fault, that I led him on. The way I acted and the way I dressed. Like I was asking for it.” You told him with a huff, inhaling one last time. “I shouldn’t have to dress a certain way to be safe.”

“No. You shouldn’t. But we also shouldn’t be stuck on this doomed rock fighting fucking monsters. Things aren’t always as they should be.” He sighed and you pouted at him. “Wearing the clothes you do makes you a target. Now it shouldn’t but it does. Being nice to Darwin though, that’s not leading him on. You were just tryna be his friend.”

“So now I have to dress like this all my life so men don’t think they got a right to me? I gotta forget what my momma thought me? Stop being pretty?” You asked and Eugene shrugged. “I don’t want to do that.”

“You already did. You don’t do your hair or makeup anymore. You’re wearing baggy clothes now.” Eugene pointed out and you sighed. He wasn’t wrong. “The thing is though. You’re still pretty. You’re beauty wasn’t cause a some powder or some curls. Your beauty comes from being the sweet girl you are.”

“You’re a sap.”

“Blame the weed.”

///

“I’ve got a present.” You could still feel the effects of the joint, partly responsible for your good mood when you stepped inside. You kicked off your boots and dropped your bag, passing the living room and heading for the kitchen only to pause and take two steps back.

Ellie was sitting on your sofa. Alone.

“Where’s Dina?” You asked quietly and Ellie shrugged, her lips pursed. “Thought I told you not to come around no more.”

“Dina said you changed your mind. To wait for you to get home so we could talk.” Ellie pushed herself up off the sofa. "But I'm guessing that's not true because it's not the kind of conversation to be had while high."

"Obviously it's not true. Didn't realize I'm not allowed to smoke. Guess I can't be pretty or fun anymore." You scoffed, shaking your head. "For someone who doesn't want to date me, you sure have a lot of expectations."

"I didn't say you couldn't be fun. I shouldn't have said what I said. I was wrong for that." Ellie sighed. "But I never said I didn't want to date you."

"Ellie, it might have taken me a while but I'm not an idiot. I get all dressed up so you'll look at me. I curl my hair hoping you'd run your fingers through it. I wear lipstick hoping I'll smudge it against your lips. I loved you and you never even looked at me twice." You sighed and stepped closer to Ellie. "You made me doubt my worth."

"Why would I need to look twice?" Ellie asked, a disbelieving laugh on her lips. She stepped closer to you, tilting her head and looking you over from head to toe. "I never looked away the first time."

"Oh."

Oh.

You swallowed nervously when she stepped closer, her hand landing on your hip softly to pull you the final step closer. You looked down at her hand and back up to her eyes. She was watching you, watching your reaction.

"I was trying to be better. Men look at you like they own you. People treat your beauty like it's theirs to take. I wanted to be better." She explained, barely a whisper. "I wanted you to know I liked you despite how tight your jeans were and how short your skirts were."

"How noble of you." You tried for sarcasm but it fell flat. "You could've just explained."

"I could've. Every time I tried I just sounded like an asshole." She shrugged and you swallowed, your mouth and throat dry. She was leaning in when you stepped back.

"I'm high. We shouldn't kiss like this." You whispered and Ellie nodded. She lifted a hand, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear with a small smile. "But I do wanna kiss you."

"How about you come find me when you're sober then?" She asked and you nodded, leaning into her hand. "We'll see about smudging some of that lipstick."

///

"Heading out, don't know when I'll be back." You yelled, hopping around to pull your boots on at the front door. You weren't quick enough and Dina leaned against the frame of the living room door, looking you over.

"You look hot," Dina observed and you nodded, fixing your hair in the mirror by the door. "Where are you headed?"

"Momma wouldn't ask me that, bless her soul." You huffed a laugh and swung your bag over your shoulder. "You and Jesse have manners while I'm gone, ya hear me?"

"You didn't answer the question!" Dina yelled and you opened the door, turning to look at her over your shoulder. "Where're you going?"

"Out, don't wait up, Mom." You called hurrying down the porch steps and getting away from her invasive questions. She knew where you were going. She had to. Ellie had been allowed back into the house and the pair of you were dancing around each other all week.

Ellie opened the garage door the second you knocked and you smiled brightly at her as you passed by her to get inside. You had been in Ellie's garage more times than you could count but you had never seen it so tidy.

"You clean up just for me?" You asked her as you dropped your bag by the end of her sofa. She rolled her eyes and shut the door but you could see the blush on her cheeks. She was embarrassed and it was oddly sweet.

"You dress up just for me?" Ellie asked, eyebrows raised. You on the other hand were prepared for her question. You nodded and held your arms out, a slow twirl just for her. You had no doubt she was getting the best view. "Damn, Princess.”

“It’s nice to have you appreciating me for once.” You hummed, finishing your twirl and leaning back against the arm of her sofa. “Make sure you get a good look.”

“For once?” She asked as she stepped away from the door and towards you. You only pursed your lips to hide your smile. “I once fell off Shimmer cause I was too busy staring at your ass.”

“You said your stirrup snapped!” You laughed in delight. She only rolled her eyes as she stepped closer. You spread your legs so that she could stand between them. “Tell me more.”

“That black eye I had two months back?” She asked and you nodded. “The door of the diner swung back and hit me because you had that tied off blouse on.”

“You liked that one?” You asked with a grin and she nodded, her hand coming to rest on the bare skin on your waist between your shorts and your top. “What about this one?”

It was a ribbed camisole that you had tucked up to leave your navel on display. Ellie took care to run her thumb under the fabric of it and let her hand slide from your waist across your stomach. She tapped her finger on the button of your shorts.

“Embroider these yourself?” She asked and you nodded in excitement, your fingers tracing down over the star embroidery.

“My momma thought me. And I have this book that helps with anything she didn’t get to teach me. It’s actually not so bad. And it’s a real constellation its-”

“Cassiopeia.” Ellie finished for you, her fingers following your path and tracing the familiar constellation. “I had a bit of a space thing for a while. Wanted to be an astronaut.”

“My momma found this Barbie doll for me once. It was Astronaut Barbie. She had this pink suit and she was so pretty and I knew if she was pretty and smart then I could be too.” Your voice grew quiet at the end and Ellie laughed, her crooked finger lifting your chin.

“That’s real cute, baby.” She teased and you chewed on your bottom lip. “So now you’re the prettiest girl in Jackson and the best damn tracker I’ve ever seen.”

“Prettiest girl?” You asked, an eyebrow raised. Ellie rolled her eyes and instead of giving in to you fishing for compliments she leaned in and kissed you.

It was only a sweet press of lips, innocent compared to what you had expected. Ellie pulled away only to press a trail of kisses down to your jaw and then followed the bone up to your ear.

“Now we can do one of two things.” She whispered, her teeth nipping at your ear lobe. “We can put on a movie, cuddle under a blanket and make out.”

“What’s my other option?” You asked, your breath hitching as she kissed down the side of your neck. Still just innocent pressed of her lips.

“I take off these pretty little shorts and I fuck you dumb.” Your whole body trembled as she spoke against your collar bone. “Oh you like that idea.”

///

“Please, please.” You’re sobbing at this point, your fingers tangled in Ellie’s hair. She’s been eating you out to the point of two orgasms and she’s only just pushing a finger into you now. “Ellie, please.”

“Please what?” Ellie asks innocently. You look down at her, releasing your death grip of her hair and she looks up at you. Her chin is shiny with you and she licks her lips as you watch. Your head thumps back against her pillows. “Use your words, I haven’t fucked you yet. You can’t be this dumb just from my finger and tongue.”

“Fuck me.” You moaned as she added a second finger. “Need you to fuck me.”

Ellie, never being one to be unprepared, had surprised you. While getting undressed you had found Ellie wearing a strap and it had sped up the whole process of getting clothes off.

“Hmm, I don’t know if you’re ready for my cock, baby.” She hums and you groan, your pussy tightening around her fingers. “Maybe another finger?”

“Ellie, babe, your cock, please. Please.” You were crying actual tears and begging without shame for her. You had wanted it in your since you had found it on her and you were so frustrated you had resorted to tears.

“Oh there’s my big dumb baby.” Ellie teased, withdrawing her fingers. You looked down at her and she was spreading your slick over the head of her cock. “Awh, is my baby crying? Your pussy so needy for my cock that it brought you to tears, huh?”

You could only nod, sniffling. She took your chin between her thumb and finger and tilted your head down so you could watch her cock press into you. “Fucking yes!”

“That feel good?” Ellie asked and you sobbed, pushing down against her slow place. “You gonna fuck yourself on my dick baby? Gonna do all the work?”

“Please. I can. I can ride you.” You offered but Ellie only shook her head.

“Not the first time. I’m gonna fuck you just like this for the first time. Then I’m gonna fuck you in every position you can contort this pretty body into. It’s gonna be a long night baby.” Ellie warned and your eyes rolled back in your head as your third orgasm overtook you.

///

Ellie was lying on her back, one arm behind her head and the other wrapped around you where you lay on her shoulder. She was tracing patterns against your spine and you were trying to guess the patterns but your brain was floating way above your body.

“I like when you dress up. I like how confident you are and how bright you smile when I like what you’re wearing.” Ellie told you quietly. “But like this? Sleepy and a mess. Well I just know I fell in love with that version of you, the morning we argued.”

“Fell in love?” You asked her, your thoughts coming back down to earth. You looked up at her, a slight tilt of your head but she didn’t look at you. “You’re in love with me?”

“How couldn’t I be, baby? A sweet little dumb baby in bed and smart, gorgeous woman who’s a force unto her own out on the streets of Jackson. You don’t make it hard to love you.” She promised, pushing you hair behind your ear.

“You already know I love you too. Even if you do bully me in bed.” You giggled and she grinned at you. “It’s kind of hot actually.”

“Hmm, we’ll explore that another time, get some sleep.” She whispered, ducking down to kiss your forehead. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

[hahahafangirl]

gotta put my thoughts down before i forget it but the thing that did it in for me is how spy x family is ultimately and uniquely a “children-focused” work, where the major stakes require that we pay attention to the lives and dynamics of young children so that — specifically — we have to genuinely engage with and invested in their inner lives, motivations, desires, thoughts, emotions, etc.

i think this is a very unique focus in the shounen sphere, where the audience and creators are centered about adolescent boys (the shounen genre, in its name) and thus have a very wide scope of focus that nonetheless has “aged” past “childhood”. usually media about children and childhood are sequestered in its own genre (children’s shows like doraemon, magical girl anime like precure series, etc.) aimed at a different target audience who are in the same demographic as the main characters in the shows. this is, obviously, not a bad thing. but i appreciate the “genre-breaking” focus that spy x family have because it inspires a sort of empathy to children, who are often not the most favorite group of people for the typical demographic of shounen readers, that is specifically vital in today’s climate. (can’t say much about japan itself, who historically has been dealing with declining birth rates, but oh i can speak for the american individualism— ironically where sxf is also very popular in) another thing about this is it’s drive home how intertwined the family life is, and should be. agent twilight and thorn princess’s plot-lines are clearly shounen-esque (a spy fighting for world peace, an assassin weeding out traitors) but they are nonetheless inextricable from the family- and anya-focused story, because by choice or circumstances they are anya’s parents. they’re a part of a larger societal fabric that embedded them in relationships to others — children being one of them. i think that’s pretty neat.

another thing, specially about the depiction of children in sxf: they are fictitious yet realistic enough to portray real children and inspire sympathy for them. a lot of asian home media in general have the problems of portraying young children as “problems”: annoying, loud, privileged, dumb, ungrateful, etc etc. these are such complaints about children that are unfortunately way too common and way too ungenerous and mean-spirited; none of these tropes are present, even in a media full of scions and heiress. complaints about them being brats (red circus bus hijacking arc) was rightfully framed as unsympathetic and unreasonable (they’re children! they can’t help where they were born into— it goes both ways.) i think the crux of this beautiful balance sxf struck in portraying nuanced, dynamics children is sympathy. they can be loud, they can be whiny, cry at the drop of a hat, has too much energy, gross, have bad grades, clingy, inconsistent, academically unmotivated, ran off randomly— and that’s fine, because we know why they do it, we are given space into their inner thoughts, something so rarely afforded to real life children at times. but they can be motivated, they want world peace, they want to have genuine friends, they want their friends to be happy, they have crushes, and most of all they love their parents and they love the people around them.

i think regardless of everything sxf is a work that understands that children are full of love and the majority of the things they do are out of love. i think that alone makes it incredible in the current socio-econo-political climate where sympathy is spared so little and humanity spreads so thin children barely gets what they deserve. i suppose that’s the sort of war we are entrenched in.

[ellieslovr]

Party Girl

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧

Pairing:Ellie Williams x F!Reader

Summary:You & Ellie attend a party celebrating the end of the school year, and some girl gets too close for comfort.

wc:1,613

Warnings: daddy kink, degradation, possessive behavior,praise kink,strap on sex, r! receiving,strap referred to as cock, slight size kink, slight pain kink, drug use/mentions (weed) i think that’s it??

mdni! 18+ please!

a/n:this is my first time writing for Ellie! Or at least, my first time publishing something I’ve written for her. Either way, I hope you all like it!Reblogs/Comments and Likes are greatly appreciated!

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖ ˖⁺‧˖⁺‧

You didn’t consider yourself to be a jealous girl. You trusted Ellie, and she trusted you.

However, that didn’t mean you couldn’t be possessive at times.

That was what led to the position you were in now, pressed between the door and Ellie, with her mouth trailing wet kisses down your neck.

You two had shared a blunt before heading to a frat party, celebrating the end of the school year.

Ellie was usually pretty good at picking up when people were hitting on her, but the weed in her system made her friendlier and less on guard than usual.

A brunette had come up to her, chatting animatedly about how glad she was to be done with school for the time being.

You had stepped out for a moment to grab a drink, and bring one back for Ellie. You passed Dina on the way back, and she pointed towards the room Ellie was in.

When you came back in, there was a girl who was obviously trying to get Ellie to go with her.

As soon as your girlfriend spotted you, she gave you a lazy grin. “Hey baby, what took so long?” She asked.

Despite your slight jealousy, you laughed at the way her eyelids drooped,she was so cute.

“Sydney, this is my girlfriend.” Ellie said as you approached them.

So that was her name. She was pretty, there was no denying that.

Unfortunately for her, Ellie only had eyes for you.

“Cynthia.” The girl replied, voice clipped.

You stifled a laugh, and Ellie smirked. “Cynthia, right. My bad.”

Ellie slipped a hand down to your thigh, squeezing it lightly. “Anyways, we should get going. We had somewhere to be, right baby?” She asked.

Your arousal spreads through you like a wildfire at the possessive action. “Y-Yeah, that’s right. It was nice meeting you, Sydney.”

You barely had time to say your goodbyes before Ellie was sucking marks into your neck.

You stumbled into your and hers shared apartment, and she shoved you against the door as soon as it shut.

“God, you look so fucking hot.” She groaned, reaching down to unbuckle her belt.

You gasped at the familiar sight of the harness she always used poking out.

“Babe, you wore it to the fucking party?” You asked.

She bursted out laughing, finding your question hilarious.

“Course I did.” Without another word she dropped to her knees,pulling your skirt down.

You had worn a simple short black skirt, along with a pair of white lace panties.

Ellie hummed, rubbing her fingers along the fabric.

“You’re so fucking wet, shit.” She groaned.

You whimpered at her touch, rocking your hips against her fingers. “Please..” You begged.

“Shh baby, I know. I’ve got you.” She murmured, kissing your thighs.

She slowly slipped your panties off, groaning when she saw your bare cunt.

“Fuck, can’t believe this is all mine. You’re so good to me, baby.” She told you, running one finger up and down your slit.

Your legs shook, knees threatening to buckle from the slightest touch. “Ellie..”

“Hm?” She said, looking up to meet your eyes.

“Fuck my throat? Please?” You asked, staring up at her with doe eyes.

She smirked. “Dirty fucking slut. Open up, baby.” She replied, pressing the tip of the silicone against your lips. She then thrusted in without warning, causing you to gag.

“That’s my girl, fucking choke on it.”

You reach down to slip your fingers between your thighs, finding your clit. You rub it in tandem with her messy thrusts. You know you’ll probably lose your voice in the morning, but you can’t find it in yourself to care right now.

She groans, the harness pressing right up against her clit. “Shit, I’m so close babe.”

You suck harder, wishing she could actually feel it. You were doing a good enough job though, with the way she was grinding her hips into your face.

“Lemme taste.” You plead, letting go of her with a wet pop. “Want you to cum down my throat.”

“Fuck, baby.” Ellie muttered, scrambling to take the strap off.

As soon as she did, you latched onto her clit, suckling. She could’ve immediately come at the obscene noises you were making, paired with the sounds of her wet cunt.

“Just like that baby, fuck-“ Ellie cut herself off as she came, muttering a string of curse words under her breath.

Before you could say anything, she had flipped you over onto your back.

She readjusted the harness, and positioned herself between your thighs. “You ready?” She asked.

You nodded, spreading your legs open wider.

“Words, baby. Use them.” She reminded you.

“Yes daddy.” You replied.

She grinned, slowly pushing in. “Good girl.”

Your breath hitched as she bottomed out, and she stood still for a moment.

“Does it hurt?” She asked, cupping your face in between her hands.

“Just a little. The good kind though.” You reply, cheeks flushing.

Ellie laughed. “That’s my girl. Let me know when.” She told you.

A few more moments passed, and you gave her the go ahead.

She pulled out agonizingly slowly, before pushing back in again.

She placed a hand on your stomach and she sped up her thrusts. “You feel how deep I am inside this pussy, baby?”

When you don’t respond at first, she grabs your jaw and forces you to look at her. “Answer me when I ask you something, whore.”

You clench around her, and she chuckles. “You dirty bitch. You love it when I call you that, don’t you?”

You nod your head rapidly and lean up to kiss her.

She smiles and presses your lips together, her tongue slipping into your mouth.

She gives you a particularly hard thrust during the kiss, one that causes you to rake your nails down her back.

She groans, a mix of pleasure and pain, and the two of you pull apart with a thin string of saliva connecting you.

“Seeing that girl flirt with you got me all worked up, I wanted to punch her so bad.” You admitted, running your hands up and down her chest.

She chuckled. “Oh, you think you were jealous? I guess you didn’t see the way Owen was ogling you when you walked in.”

She continued slowly thrusting, trying not to get distracted by your breathy little whines.

“I wanted to snap his fucking neck for even daring to look at you. You’re my girl. Swear to God, I wanted to drag you into that bathroom and make you scream.” She spat the words with such venom, but it made you clench around her nonetheless.

“You can still make me scream if you want.” You suggested, giving her a little smirk.

She grinned and lifted your legs, slamming herself in deeper.

“You take it so fucking good baby, s’like you were made to take my cock.”

You moaned loudly, half hoping the neighbors could hear you.

This wasn’t enough for Ellie, as she slammed deeper into you with a grunt. “Louder.” She commanded.

She adjusted her angle, causing you to let out a loud whine.

She smirked, leaning down to whisper in your ear. “Yeah, you like that baby? Fucking scream for me.”

You pulled Ellie closer, craving the skin to skin contact. She lovingly ran a hand through your hair, a total juxtaposition to how hard she was fucking you.

She lifted your chin, forcing you to meet her eyes. “Who’s my favorite girl, huh? Who’s my pretty little slut.”

You move your hand to cover your mouth, muffling the sound of your moans.

Ellie scowls, thrusting into you faster. “Let them hear you baby, want them to hear how good I make you feel.”

You choked on a moan, and she continued her assault on you, reaching down to replace your hand with her own.

“I’m the only one who can make you feel like this, yeah? You’re fucking mine. Only mine.” She hissed, thumb brushing against your clit.

You tighten around, a telltale sign that you’re getting close. She grins.

“You just needed to be fucked, hm? Needed someone bigger and stronger to take care of you?” She asked.

You nod furiously, rolling your hips to meet her thrusts.

“Ellie-“ You whine, but she cuts you off with a kiss.

She pulls away, pupils blown and lips slick with spit. “I know baby, I know. S’alright, daddy’s got you.”

You sob. “Please daddy, m’ so close. Need to cum.” Your tongue lolled out of your mouth, drool running down your chin.

Ellie pulls you into another kiss, sliding her tongue against yours.

“Good girl, you can cum whenever you’re ready baby. Did so good for me, my pretty girl. Always make me feel so fucking good.” She told you with a nip to your collarbone.

You came soon after, gushing around her. As it usually did, this triggered Ellie’s own orgasm.

“Fuck, just like that baby. Good girl.” She panted as she slumped against you, covering your sweaty skin in kisses.

You cuddled further into her embrace, suddenly struck with an overwhelming urge to be as close as possible to her.

“You need anything, babe?” She asked as she came down. “Water or something?”

You shake your head, pulling her closer. “Just you.”

She chuckles softly, pressing a kiss to your temple. “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.”

“Love you.” You murmur, voice raspy.

She smiles. “I’ll make you some lemon tea in the morning, how’s that sound?”

You nod, not wanting to strain your voice any further.

She kisses your forehead,nose, and both cheeks, before planting a final kiss on your lips.

“I love you too.”

[punkshort]

Will you eventually do a Swept Away, likes and dislikes post for Joel? The little taste of his character is just delicioussss, he’s so mysterious. I’m dyingggg to crawl inside your brain and see how his character is going to unfold 😍💋

I would love to! I love getting this ask because it always gives me good ideas for future chapters, so thank you!

Let's jump in:

Likes:

1. Sunsets: he loves the colors and how every day is different. He loves it because it's a work of art that everyone in the world can appreciate, no matter who you are.

2. Boxing: it's the only form of exercise he actually enjoys. He really likes taking his anger out on a punching bag, and he tends to hold in a lot of anger from his job.

3. Money: I mean, come on, that's not a big surprise. He likes to live comfortably and without having to worry about the cost of anything. And, sure, when he slaps his black card down and someone does a double take, he feels a rush of pride.

4. Cigars: he didn't used to like them but they have grown on him throughout the years. A colleague of his convinced him to join a cigar club and he found it was a great way to network and rub elbows with the elites.

5. Poetry: he will never admit it, though.

6. Filet Mignon: he loves a perfectly cooked medium rare steak. When he was choosing which restaurant to lease space to on the first floor of his hotel, he only looked at steakhouses because he liked the idea of having a good steak a mere elevator ride away.

7. The Natural Look: he prefers women who don't use too much makeup or plastic surgery/fillers. Almost all of the women he knows, whether through set ups or spouses of his colleagues, all look like they've gone to the same doctor and had the same procedures. He likes women who are comfortable in their skin and aren't fake.

8. McDonald's French fries: it's his Achilles heel. Every now and then after a long, boring art gallery opening or cocktail party, he will instruct his driver to go to McDonald's on the way back to his penthouse to get some fries.

9. Private Jet: he loves being able to come and go whenever he pleases, anywhere he wants. And he especially loves not having to go through security and be surrounded by people squished into a tin can. He likes that he can stretch out and eat a good meal and even sleep in a real bed when he travels, which is often.

Dislikes:

1. Kale: it's a vile weed and he won't touch it.

2. Surprise parties: he absolutely loathes being surprised. Especially when it's been a long enough day and he thinks he's going home to relax and suddenly his penthouse is filled with fifty people drinking all his booze and making a mess of his home and he has to pretend to enjoy it.

3. Lifting weights: he thinks it's obnoxious and he doesn't care about glamour muscles but his trainer always makes him do one day a week where he lifts weights. He gets it over with as quickly as he can.

4. Satin sheets: too slippery and his pillow always ends up on the floor.

5. Campfires: he hates the smoke from campfires because it gets stuck in his clothes and he has to send everything he was wearing to the cleaners right away before it spreads to other fabrics.

6. Lillies: they remind him of funerals.

7. Tea: he could never find a tea he actually enjoyed. All tea tastes like hot water with a dash of some vague flavor and it's just never worth it. Unless he's sick with a sore throat. Then he might have some.

8. Boats: he tends to go out on yachts and sailboats quite a bit, but he doesn't like the open water. He gets seasick and he always has to take pills beforehand.

9. Golf: because all my Joels hate golf, for no particular reason.

[ethicaltreatmentofcowplants]

Having completed her Angling Ace aspiration, Marin got cake-d up and sent on a vacation to Granite Falls and try and complete her fish collection. This gen's quirk is that they have to flirt with everyone who they encounter at a fishing spot, until they find their long-term partner.

Yeah, I'm thrilled about it too, Marin.

The rant follows. It was going to be a longer rant but then I got tired. You need energy to rant - who would have thought it? (Turns out I lied. It was still pretty long.)

Also anyone who isn't a Simmer will likely think that I need to touch grass after this (which, fair tbh). But then if you weren't a Simmer, you likely wouldn't be here in the first place 😉

(And yeah, it's all tongue-in-cheek/not to be taken seriously. Well, mostly lol.)

I know that the term 'long-term partner' is deliberately vague and leaves room for an aro-ace relationship (orrrr even a bff who you live with and raise a kid together?) which I appreciate. I know that she doesn't have to find her partner from this selection - the wording is that she just has to keep on flirting until she does.

But even of the premade townies, no one is sparking joy? I could default to Nalani, who you'd think would be perfect (I mean, gorgeous merperson and actually interesting in spite of her blah occult) and yet for some reason I'm just not feeling the two of them together.

So then the Watcher, in all her benevolence (aaaannd admittedly her cheapness for waiting on a sale to buy Lovestruck) set up a club for Marin. It was to be a club for young adults. It was to be a club for unmarried Sims. Which - I wish there was a finer means of classification, because I know damn well the two of you are engaged, Darrel Charm and Mateo Markovic from My Wedding Stories (whose name I had to look up, that's how little you inspire me). Bland as forbidden word townie from a pack so broke that it may as well be a millennial. Aaaand also it was to be a club for people with Level 2 Fishing and above.

Thus: young adults, unmarried, some skill (and therefore, hopefully interest) in fishing. Cute, cool. Hopefully we've weeded the catfish out of the pond.

Then we pulled up the tab of potential candidates and guess which forbidden word comes up.

Lou. Fucking. Howell.

For context, I have history with Lou Howell. I have beef with Lou Howell. Nothing particularly wrong with the guy, apart from a certain lightfingeredness (klepto trait) and a slight body hair problem around particular times of the month. But this motherfucker is like an universal adapter when it comes to all my Sims and I have to consciously make a decision to stay away from him in saves. In other words, Lou Howell is unwelcome here.

(I also don't really know yet what I'm doing with the fourth/next gen. Yeah, the rules say using music to make money. This Watcher however is this forbidden word tired of celebrity Sims popping up around the most random and out-of-way places that she's about to eject Get Famous into the sun, however, and it's taking every last once of willpower not to deactivate it right now. Sooo if I had an idea of what the fourth gen looked like, then I may have a less vague idea of what the baby daddy/mommy/gender neutral genetic donor should look like.)

Wait - what's happening now? Who moved my cursor?

NO, LOU. NO. IT IS NOT YOUR TIME. GO AWAY.

So I don't know what to do! Lou Howell Does anyone have gallery Sims to donate to this cause? Lou Howell Are there previously untapped mines of eligible townies who I haven't thought of? Lou Howell For the record, Akira Kibo and Paolo Rocca are granddad and dad respectively. In spite of the incest glitch making a comeback elsewhere (maybe it's heard the Targaryens have returned to the telly?), they are therefore out of the picture.

Play the Sims, they said. It will be fun, they said. A casual game, they said...

I need a lie down.

odd money legacy rules here. come join me. it will be fun...

[rewatching-sam-and-dean]

Random Musings on Sam and Dean: Relationships and Hunting

There is something about Sam starting out the series as the one with friends, and Dean being this loner who essentially tells him he shouldn’t even try to have relationships with other people when they are hunters. Dean sees his immediate family and hunting as the absolute most important things, and everyone else are outsiders.

Some of these things sort of stay the same over the course of the show, but others change in a pretty significant way.

Random, not super well-organized, and potentially off-base, thoughts under the cut. (If anyone actually reads this, please feel free to weigh in.)

Then, as the series goes on, Sam loses or let’s go of almost all of his relationships, until he has pretty much only Dean. He’s afraid to truly get close to anyone out of fear they will be hurt … except for Dean, who is already embedded too deeply in his heart to cut out.

Meanwhile, “Loner” Dean is collecting friends, or extended “family”. Yet, he still doesn’t want them around most of the time, seeming happiest when it’s just him and Sam, with Castiel and Bobby as tolerated/appreciated additions to the family, yet not quite full-family. I’m not including Jack here because no one will ever convince me that Dean fully let him in (and this isn’t a criticism).

The relationships differences between Sam and Dean are like an extension of how they fit into hunting.

Sam befriended normies in the past, but doesn’t fully connect with many new characters out of fear of losing them, while Dean befriends hunters and the supernatural adjacent. There is something about this … like, Dean fits the hunter life in a way Sam doesn’t, even in terms of relationships or how those in the hunting life relate to Dean vs Sam. I’m not saying Dean always likes hunting, or that he bares his soul to everyone he calls friend/family, but he fits it, even socially, better than Sam (and Dean isn’t even that friendly). Sam, with just a very few exceptions, doesn’t make himself at home in the hunting life, including not opening himself up to the people they meet… at least until much later in the series (if then). It’s like he’s afraid to fully live or engage as a hunter in some ways. This is like him refusing to see the bunker as a home until long after Dean has already thoroughly nested there.

Even Sam’s reactions to the hunting life are never quite proportionate, they are often too big (Demon blood, saving Dean from the MOC and risking literally everyone else) or too little (running when he loses Dean Season 7/8). Sam is the Goldilocks of hunting, except I don’t think he ever finds “just right.” And this doesn’t mean he isn’t good at it, or doesn’t learn to “love it,” but I don’t think it ever quite fits him fully.

Sam got close to Jessica and makes friends at Stamford, but he had fully turned his back on hunting at the time. Sam gets close to Amelia, but it’s because he’s running from hunting (and losing Dean). The only time he feels really settled in as a hunter (when it’s not a connection to Dean) is when he’s soulless. It’s only when he’s missing a crucial part of himself (or he has a revenge mission) that he fully embraces the life.

Dean, on the other hand, feels like purgatory is pure: kill the bad thing, rinse and repeat. Even when Dean is living with Lisa, he has an eye and ear open for monsters, and can’t fully shut off those instincts. Unlike with Sam, Dean melds life and hunting and family into this co-existing thing that he’s able to settle into. Again, this isn’t all Dean is, and it doesn’t come without personal/emotional/mental consequences, but Dean is a hunter, and he even suggests in Season 14 that he’s content.

Sam, in Season 10, tells Charlie he loves hunting, but he adds the caveat that he wouldn’t do it without his brother. And even getting into the weeds of Dabb era, Sam tells Mary he hunts because his family (Dean) does.

Speaking of Mary, Sam doesn’t even let her fully in. He provides a shoulder for her at times, respects her autonomy, and eve tries to make her proud, but he never fully opens up to her, not like Dean does. And we know how Sam got along with John who trained the boys to hunt .. or, you know, didn’t.

Dean is Sam’s exception. He’s close to Dean even though Dean is associated with hunting, is basically the best hunter. Sam says several times that he hunts because Dean does. He doesn’t get close to anyone in the hunting life, except for Dean. Dean is Sam’s tether into hunting after his revenge quest for Jess and guilt from losing John wear down.

Bear with me on this one, but the long-term, or big characters, associated with the hunting world are largely closer to Dean or exist to hurt Sam. John (Mr. Hunter Parent) was disappointed in Sam’s lack of both commitment to hunting and obedience, and favoured Dean (not that it did him any good). Bobby considers Sam like a son, but Dean is his clear favourite (and Sam rarely turns to Bobby for personal help, if ever). Castiel considers Sam a friend/family, but as an extension of Dean. The angels hate Sam because he’s lucifer’s vessel. Ruby was able to manipulate Sam into embracing his power (and hunting) and was closer to him than Dean, but it was because of his initial grief for Dean that she was able to get in his head. Sam is tormented by the devil himself when he’s in the hunting life. Sam never thaws towards Crowley w who tries to take Dean away when he becomes Dean’s frienemy. Mary (Mrs Hunter Parent) comes back to life and basically ignores Sam out of her own guilt and bonds more with Dean (at least at first). Rowena bonds more with Sam than Dean, but they bond over shared trauma not really hunting (though she does teach him spells, so she’s a bit of an exception). Jack, Sam actually bonds with more than Dean, but it’s over shared “freak” experience, and Jack actually becomes the new god, so while he starts as a part of hunting life, he is actually beyond it.

Even the junior hunter girls are arguably closer to Dean: Krissy, Claire and Charlie. And we have the part-time hunters. Jody is pretty close to both boys, maybe even leaning towards Sam, but she’s a cop as well as a part-time hunter. She isn’t fully in the life. Donna, the other cop and part-time hunter is definitely closer to Dean. So, the rule mostly holds true even for the more minor hunters. Finally, even a lot of the random hunters we meet hate Sam (Gordon, Walt and Roy, Girl in Episode 2 of Season 9, etc).

Anyway, my point with all of this is that there might actually be a reason that so many chracters in the hunter world, or associated with it, are closer to Dean than Sam. And it isn’t just writer favouritism or “Everybody just loves Dean” ( 🤷🏻‍♀️). I mean, it makes sense that chracters are drawn to Dean because he’s got that charm, while Sam tends towards introverted. But it actually makes sense to be more than that within the story. Sam is never quite at home, or settled in, or fits in to the hunter society or hunting world.

And yet, while most chracters are out here preferring Dean, Dean couldn’t care less because Sam is his world. And in return, Dean is Sam’s exception to everything. He stays in hunting for Dean (in the long run). He gives up many of his morals for Dean. He risks damning everyone in the world with the darkness for Dean. He learns to love hunting because it’s part of his life with Dean. And he gives it up again when there is no Dean alive on earth (assuming he quits in the finale).

I know there is more to their relationships than this little summary, and this didn’t cover Deans also complex relationship with hunting and John and Mary, etc., but it just stuck me as interesting how so much of the show truly points to Sam not fitting in the hunting world. It’s almost like he paused his regularly scheduled programming to be with Dean for the rest of Dean’s life, before carrying on.

But the kicker is, even though Sam (seemingly) gets out of hunting, the normal life can no longer fit him either because it doesn’t have his big brother Dean in it.

It is undoubtably sad that Dean dies young, but Sam is also still living out a tragedy at the end of Supernatural.

The fact that we got reunited brothers on that bridge is … everything.

[weezerfan123]

If you have any headcanons for sweet dirt? Like about their futures or relationships

People showing interest in the obscure rarepair I made up over a year ago is something I never could’ve imagined and I appreciate it beyond words, seriously😭💗

ANYWAY yes I think about them all the time and have so much to say about them!!

Scott definitely falls first. Sugar rolls around in dirt and puts makeup on pigs and has violent tendencies and Scott is like WOW. What a woman. When Scott has a crush, he’ll try to play it cool, or even pretend he hates Sugar, but his true feelings are painfully obvious.

If he tries to play it cool, he’ll go out of his way to hang around Sugar, making lame excuses just to be near her. He might start mimicking her interests, like rolling in the dirt alongside her or acting like he’s suddenly into pig makeup. Of course, Sugar’s suspicious, and thinks he’s only hanging around because he wants something/will backstab her eventually. It’s a bad mentality she can’t shake from her pageant days, she’s convinced anyone being nice to her is faking it.

They’d definitely develop a rivalry before they’d become any kind of friends. Wether it’s on the show, at their local county fair— in every universe, these two fight like feral animals. It’s not cutesy stuff like tripping or hair-pulling; Scott will put nails in Sugar’s driveway and Sugar will hit him on the back of the head with a steel pipe. There will be many concussions and broken noses before these two even consider becoming friends.

As their rivalry intensifies, Scott finds himself in a strange predicament. The more they clash, the more he’s drawn to Sugar. Every time she pulls some wild stunt, his respect for her only grows. Sure, she may have just stabbed him in the foot with a rusty pitchfork, but Scott can’t help but admire her strength and determination.

On the flip side, Sugar’s suspicions about Scott’s intentions only deepen as he sticks around. She’s used to people being fake nice, but Scott’s different. He’s not pretending to be sweet; he’s openly antagonistic, and for some reason, that feels more genuine to her. Even though they’re constantly at each other’s throats, Sugar starts noticing the little things—how Scott’s always around, how he never really tries to hurt her too badly, and how, despite everything, he’s weirdly consistent in her life.

Their rivalry becomes the foundation of their bond, and before they know it, they start to rely on each other in odd ways. Scott might complain about Sugar being impossible, but if anyone else messes with her, he’s the first to step in. And while Sugar might talk about how she hates his guts, she’d secretly miss their fights if he ever stopped showing up.

Eventually, the tension between them builds up to a breaking point. Maybe it’s another over-the-top brawl, where they’re both covered in mud and bruises, panting from the effort. In that moment, there’s a pause—just long enough for them to catch each other’s eye and realize that underneath all the chaos, they actually care about each other.

From there, things start to change. Their fights become less about hurting each other and more about pushing each other’s buttons in a way that only they can. It’s still a mess, but now there’s a weird, unspoken understanding between them. They’ll never admit it, but both Scott and Sugar find a certain thrill in their bizarre relationship.

Once they’re in a relationship— however the fuck they figure that out—

Scott’s love language is 100% acts of service. He’ll wake up at 5am to feed the chickens and weed the garden. When Sugar’s like why’d you do that for me Scott says “BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

He also brings Sugar home little trinkets, cool rocks, and flowers he finds out and about. He tells her “This reminded me of you FUCKFACE,” and kisses her on the cheek. He can’t give affection without being a little mean to balance it out.

Sugar, instead of getting mad, just beams at him, knowing that Scott’s bark is worse than his bite. She’s used to his rough edges and tough love, and she can see right through Scott’s attempts to hide his feelings. It’s why she likes to smother him with affection, knowing it drives him crazy.

Sugar’s love language is touch. She loves hugging Scott so hard his ribs crack and carrying him around like a sack of potatoes. She likes to kiss him all over his face until he gets embarrassed and shoves her away.

Their relationship is a mix of insults and affection, bruises and hugs, and they wouldn’t have it any other way. AND I LOVE THEM!!!!!

[scenetocause]

FIC WRITER INTERVIEW

tagged by @glasscushion thank youuuuuu <3

How many works do you have on AO3?

currently 60 but i periodically nuke my ao3 so that's not really the total and i know i've got quite a few on anon even now

What's your total AO3 word count?

457,512. what the fuck. that's like 2/3 of the bible. (if any of the words in my fic were in the bible)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ok i was so certain i could predict the order of these and i literally only got the top one right because what

climb up to your lips (girloscar, multi-chapter, 719 kudos)

shoreline i see when i'm off course (a/b/o, loscar & mando, wrote in about half an hour in a fugue state, 628 kudos)

just telling it like it is (lando/maxv, stupid little 5+1 thing i increasingly dislike and might orphan, 458 kudos)

(i) just wanna get a little bit closer (mando, honestly probably not the one i would have expected to be the most popular you know? like i think i would've assumed that was no plans of staying on. not that i dislike this one massively or anything it's just definitely one of my least thought through fics. 482 kudos)

every colour illuminates (genders georg/lando, if i'm objective about it i think this is probably my best fic or at least it's the most pure love letter to queerness which is sort of what they all are. 467 kudos)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i would like to. i always intend to. then i get overwhelmed and avoidant. i can't handle people saying nice things about me or at least have to sort of microdose it and responding feels too difficult sometimes, at the same time as i desperately crave praise haha really hard to tell i have a failed past involving a racing license definitely no need to dig into that one. there are some comments people have left on my work that mean so, so much and i hoard them and read them again when i can manage it so if i don't respond don't think it's because i don't want comments or don't appreciate them, my head is just a bear trap.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i don't really write angst but it's probably one of my george/mercedes ones like don't say no or you'll have to go (george/valtteri, the horror of getting what you want) or well past the weeds (george/toto, fucked up team debrief dynamics) - lando is incredibly easy for me to project onto because my lando is just me but younger and richer and hotter but the real psychological goop gets spilled out onto george.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

definitely every colour illuminates or pick me up, no headlights (george and max accidentally acquire a baby) which are sort of intentionally good outcomes. but i actually think turn my heart into something gold, where lando sort of sorts himself out, is maybe the most optimistic.

Do you write crossovers?

not in a true sense. i'll write an au but i don't like the idea of blending characters, idk why but that feels too chaotic for the blorbo sandbox. i guess maybe every day i let go just a little bit more is a crossover in the sense f1 and fe really are totally separate worlds.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no. probably loads of people hate my fic but they don't tell me about it, which is exactly the way i'd like to keep it. fic is a safe little sandbox for me to play in.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

haha. well. all the kinds? no, that's not true - you can definitely tell when you're reading an emptyhalf production. i've got a lot of things i think are incredibly hot that don't necessarily feature as essential to other writers (which is fine obviously! these are my tics not a ticklist) from ~broader concept things~ like having really clear consent to a thing for like, thinking it's hot when someone parts their legs? idk. brains man. generally i'd say i have a courageous approach to the concept of inserting things pretty much anywhere. i don't really give a shit about blow jobs tho and that probably shows. (which is funny cus i quite like giving them and am happy to make someone suck a strap? they've just never done anything for me as something to think about for whatever reason)

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i think i did ages ago when there was some wattpad theft thing idk

Have you ever had a fic translated?

i think i have but i can't remember which one

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i feel like nearly all my fics are co-written bc they often come from ideas in group chats or discords or whatever. and i quite often have to ask for help with shit i don't know about because i'm stupid as hell. i wrote burn a hole as a sort of postquel part of ivycrowned's fic, which is probably the most collaborative i've ever really been in that sense. i think the only fics that have been totally my own thoughts are the daniel goes to fe one and girloscar. altho with a lot of my mando the co-creators are max and lando so 🤷🏻‍♀️

What's your all-time favorite ship?

idk man. lando x being able to be vulnerable enough to get what you want. queerness x living a life in full vibrancy and without fear.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

god i really do actually want to finish daniel goes to fe but i haven't been able to open the document for ages because there are millions of things wrong with me.

What are your writing strengths?

when i am in the mood i can bang out a lot of words. i think i am more easily able to access lando-voice than a lot of people bc i too am a whiny goblin but idk if that's a strength per se.

What are your writing weaknesses?

lmao god how long have we got what's the character limit on a tumblr post. uh, so. i don't plan i just write. like literally nothing goes on i just switch on the word tap and words come out. i don't edit, ever which means my fics are littered with grammatical errors (how DO commas work? not like that) and repeated words and shit that annoy the hell out of me when i spot them later. i have so many weird phrasing tics. i don't understand the concept of romance. i have a very offbeat and queer interpretation of relationships that only tangentially links to "normal." my kinks are excruciatingly obvious.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i think i don't really give a shit? like i probably wouldn't do it unless it was a language i could write it in first time because of the aforementioned 'turning on the word tap' method but idk if i care what other people are doing. i find it mildly off-putting when people write characters speaking their second language and throw words from their first language in because that is not how anyone speaking a second language talks or at least, it tends to get done wrong. like when i'm speaking english i will use words from (original language) but only in the context of referring to eg: a relative (like an italian saying nonna not granny) or if i really can't remember the word for some food or something. but also it's like, largely harmless and far from the biggest writing sin out there.

(the biggest writing sin is obviously having an incorrect take on my blorbos and also woobification and especially incorrect woobification of my blorbos)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

p sure i would dox myself if i said this but i have written for quite a few. i've never been as active in a fandom or for as long as with f1 rpf. (shout out to the livejournal girlies, of which loads ended up working in f1)

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

i would never exercise the self-restraint to stop myself writing something i wanted to tbh

What's your favorite fic you've written?

idk. probably girloscar, i was proud of myself for finishing that. it's difficult for me to think positively about things i've done, so i don't know that i have favourites. the ones i re-read the most myself are genders georg and genders maxy. who can say if i have something going on with genders! but yeah idk i don't think i write like defining fics or anything profound like a lot of people do, it's mostly just weird horny thoughts percolating into a gdoc like drip coffee. actually you know what, it might be has-a-pussy-with-no-real-explanation max.

tagging @saintdevote @strawcars @lost-decade @des-iderate if you haven't been tagged already and no pressure obviously!

[sourbinnie]

☆ cerca de ti.mp3 ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> angst ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> ot8!skz x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> the song they wrote when you left them + some moments and how it went down. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> swearing ; smoking (weed) ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> nope

a/n: so i had this idea today and i wrote it all today because i wanted it out as soon as possible. i obviously get it if you don't like or think it's kinda odd? idk i really enjoyed this and the process of it so i hope yall like it too. it was kind of inspired by edits that i see on instagram where they make stray kids lipsync to latin songs, goddamn i love those. so yeah this is my take on how they would sing cerca de ti!

[ intro : chan & seungmin ] cerca de ti estaba bien y de tu vida me borré (close to you i was okay but of your life i got erased) y ella ante' no lo veía, pero sé que te fallé (but she didn't see it before but i know i failed you) y si ahora vuelves, te juro que no te vuelvo a perder (and if you come back, i swear that i won't lose you again) porque me di cuenta que muero si me alejo de tu piel (i realized that i die when i'm far away from your skin)

when they first started writing this song, only one thing would come to their minds and that was you. it wasn't your typical love song or even sad song but more of a mix of emotions that all the members were feeling condensed into one song. one they would call close to you, one that would express how much a certain person had changed them and their experiences with that individual.

chan at first didn't want to take a part in the song, he thought it was too soon, too much but the rest convinced him that it would be a good idea to let go with lyrics (it wasn't). when he wrote the first two verses of the introduction, he knew he was fucked and he was too deep now. when you decided to leave, he was the last one you saw and he got the final word, it didn't go well. he was too harsh and too egoistic to see what was happening in front of his eyes, the hate that blinded him was making him spill words that he didn't mean. 

"(y/n) i don't think you're realizing what you're doing." he said almost as if you were betraying him and the boys as you packed your things. you thought this was the right choice all along and you weren't gonna get convinced, especially by someone who wasn't showing they cared or that they appreciate you in anyway (he did very much so in the end). 

"what do you want me to do chan? to pretend everything's alright? god you guys really only think about yourselves." you said and it wasn't nice but it needed to be said. you've been left in the dust for way too long to care about other people's feelings, especially if it was the 8 boys you were referring to.

"rich coming from you, you act like we don't have a job. our lives don't revolve around you!" he exclaimed but it just made you roll your eyes. you weren't talking about that, you never even once mentioned their job because you knew how busy their schedules were but it just got to the point where they didn't show that they cared, that they loved you, that they wanted you. "if you leave, you aren't coming back."

"watch me." you said as you walked out the front door and out of their lives.

seungmin felt so lost without you, he got too used to your presence. he got used to your morning kisses, you preparing his lunch for work, how you would listen to him. the thing he missed the most was your body, not really in a sexual way, he just wanted to hold you. to feel your skin against his and plant a kiss on your cheek, he wanted to kiss your lips again and love you tenderly & softly.

he didn't think much of you leaving because he knew in the end you would come back to them. when you didn't for months, he lost hope and when the boys suggested writing, he was the first one grabbing a pen and a paper. he almost seemed desperate to get these feelings out of the way.

"you think they're gonna listen to it?" jeongin asked and the older didn't know how to respond. he wanted you to hear it, for you to process the words that everyone was singing. you were always so attentive towards their lyrics that it just made sense that if you heard it, you would want to contact them right?

"i hope so, this is our last shot i think." seungmin responded and jeongin nodded as he sat down next to him to write the lyrics. everyone needed to put in a bit of effort to make a team and for it to be put out.

[ chorus : chan, seungmin & jeongin ] y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca de ti, eh (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte dе amar (i guess it's a part of love) y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca dе ti, yeah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, yeah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love)

vocalracha did the chorus, it just seemed right. jeongin finding the right words to go with the flow and chan's voice starting it were exactly what everyone was looking for. it was their way of showing they were letting go but not willingly because if it was up to all of them they would want to continue what they had with (y/n).

jeongin took it really hard when you left. like seungmin, he had hope that you would come back, that it might be a mistake or a joke in bad taste but it wasn't like that. he didn't even get to say goodbye, to tell you to take care of yourself. he wanted you so bad in every way that your presence not being there for him when he needed you the most was destroying him.

"hyung i wish i could talk to them. i'm so lost and i don't even know what to do." jeongin expressed, in the verge of crying because he just wanted you but he was stuck in the dorms not even knowing where you were.

"we gotta give them time innie, i know it's hard but we'll find a way." chan said as let the younger cry and let his worries out. even if he didn't feel like things were gonna get better, his hyung always had his back.

right now he was feeling less broken, more confident but he just wanted you to hear this song. even if you didn't want to, these were the things that needed to be said and expressed by the members. he felt like he was left in the dark, he was trapped and had no way out but right now he was seeing the light. when they were filming the music video, everything shined so bright and it took his breath away. if only you could be right there, right now. 

[ verse 1 : jisung & minho ] cerca de ti fue que sentí que ya no había más na' malo (yeah-eh) (close to you i felt like there was nothing that could be bad) cerca de ti fue que sentí que ya no había más na' de amor (close to you i felt like there was no more love) sé que me fui lastimado (ey), dejaste en mí todo raro (i know i left hurt, you left everything weird in me) yo no sé cuándo estaré sano (i don't know when i'm gonna heal) pacas y pacas, todas las gasté, stop, ¿toda esa mierda pa' qué? (bags and bags, i spent them all. stop, all of that shit for what?) ya no me sirve fumar de la maría si no e' con vo' en el hotel (now i can't smoke the maria if it's not with you in the hotel) oh-oh, no me sirve fumar si no e' con vo' en el hotel (oh-oh, i can't smoke if it's not with you in the hotel)

jisung like he said, was left with a mix of everything. the weirdness that affected him when he wasn't by your side but the way you made him believe that he could be loved again lived within him. you showed him a new side of himself, way more careful and way more calm, one that brought peace everywhere he went. he carried that when he wasn't with you because he would go crazy if he didn't.

"you're kinda different today, i like the vibe." you said as you sat down next to him and he smiled, nodding. he couldn't explain the relaxation that invaded his body whenever he found himself in the same room as you. he couldn't let go of the feeling and yet at the same time he didn't want to.

"just wanted to be with you and enjoy the moment." he mumbled burying himself in you but then coming up to give you a sweet kiss. you smiled and pulled him closer as you made out on the sofa in the 3racha + hyunjin) dorms. 

he found himself smiling at the memories and not looking back because he was confident this would catch your attention. maybe a little too cocky for his liking but he knew you all too well to know that this isn't the end but the start of something different.

minho wasn't a big smoker, yet this verse was a reminder of how fucked up you two got at the hotels when he was on tour. when he brought you along, he wasted all of his money on you and on pleasing you, whatever the baby wanted they would get. maybe he acted more like a sugar daddy and didn't realize but he couldn't care less because he wanted to spoil you rotten.

"dude are you smoking?" jisung asked him and he could just nod, of course jisung was only interested because he wanted to hop on the same train. "this is fucking harder than i thought it would be, everything i write is shit."

"i wrote my verses but i still feel like it's missing their approval." minho said laughing, a bit high already. jisung just laughed because his giggles were contagious. they would spend the whole night like this, just going back and forth with new bars but in the end settling down for the ones they had at first. there was a reason those were the first things they thought of, it was because they came out of the broken heart they were experiencing.

staying silent wasn't unusual for them but since they met you, you would always invade with your voice and say whatever you were thinking. now the silence was uncomfortable and they just wanted to hear your voice again.

[ verse 2 : changbin & hyunjin ; both ] miro pa' atrás y parece to' un chiste (i look back and it seems like a joke) yo sé que no daba y por eso te fuiste (i knew i couldn't do it and that's why you left) no sé qué le pa', no sé qué le diste (i don't know what's going on, i don't know why you gave) pero estoy nuevo, como si no exististe (but i am new like you never existed) y sé que si yo puedo, podría cualquiera (and i know if i can, anyone can do it) porque mi corazón era una heladera (because my heart was a fridge) ahora tropical entre cocos y palmeras (now tropical between coconuts and palms) con un recuerdo dulce de cómo eras tú (with a sweet memory of how you were) ah, de cómo eras tú, oh-oh-woh (ah, of how you were, oh-oh-woh) miro pa' atrás y parece to' un chiste (i look back and it all seems like a joke) yo sé que no daba y por eso te fuiste (i knew i couldn't do it and that's why you left) no sé qué le pa', no sé que le diste (i don't know what's going, i don't know what you gave) pero estoy nuevo, como si no-como si-como si- (but now i'm new, like you've never-)

changbin thought it was genuinely a joke when chan told them you weren't coming back. this is why the first lyric went like this and then they immediately thought of realizing why you left him. it's like he knew he had to accept that you were not gonna come back, that the situation got worse and that they left you behind (without wanting to). you didn't leave because you wanted to but because you had to, you were done with them. 

he was the first to try to pretend like you didn't exist, like it didn't mean a thing to him that you left. while most of them were broken and trying to pick up the pieces, changbin decided to live in his new reality where he didn't even meet you. that lasted way too little for his liking since he got reminded of you everywhere he went.

"i feel like being without you makes me feel so fucking weird." he said one time to you and you raised your eyebrow at this. he wasn't one to usually get sappy but you welcomed this moments any time they happened. "okay i know i sound like a major loser but i love you."

"i love you more and you're not a loser for expressing your feelings binnie." your voice was engraved on his mind but he still craved to call you when he felt low. he knew leaving voice messages was weird to get it out since you blocked all of them but a man had to let it out somehow.

hyunjin thought his lyrics were so stupid but somehow he knew that's the way to go. if he wanted to capture your attention somehow, he wanted it to be in a cheesy line and make it seem like he was doing fantastic. yet when he thinks of the sweet memory of you, he's brought back to you, your perfume/cologne, your smile and your hugs. it felt like home every time you held him in your arms.

"hyunjin i feel like i'm drifting away from you guys and i'm scared." he remembers you said to him this one day and he was a bit shocked. he didn't feel like that at all but there had to be a reason why you were feeling like this and not overreacting right? he knew he had to talk it out with the other guys.

"no baby, we're here for you okay? i doubt anything is gonna happen." he said and now that he thinks about it, he should've done something, he should've held you closer and reassured you even more that nothing was gonna separate you from them. he didn't, he now regrets it every day because he missed you like crazy and there was no turning back.

but he knew he still had a chance to mend things, to at least have a way to contact you if you needed anything. he didn't want your last messages to be so sad, to be blocked in your phone forever 'cause you could never be blocked on his. it was stupid but he wanted to be in your life, even if it was the bare minimum.

[ verse 3 : changbin & felix ] ¿cuántas vece' te fallé? (how many times did i fail you?) sin contar la última ve' (without counting last time) pensando volverte a ver (thinking of seeing you again) cuando llego, yo te llamo y no respondes, baby (when i arrive, i call you and you don't answer, baby) me tiene' quemándome en tu fuego (you got me burning in your fire) todo' tu' problema' lo' resuelvo (all of your problems i solve them) como un boomerang yo siempre vuelvo (like a boomerang i always come back) tengo gana' de explorar tu cuerpo (i want to explore your body) ya me lastimaste, igual no aprendo (you already hurt me, i never learn) (ya me lastimaste, igual no aprendo) (you already hurt me, i never learn) (igual no aprendo) (still i don't learn)

felix didn't think he did things wrong, he didn't feel like your falling out was justified. yeah they made a mistake, he made a mistake but all the missed calls that night would haunt him forever. he wanted to see you, to talk to you, to know how you feel and what went wrong. he still couldn't understand it even if chan tried to explain it 100 times, he wasn't convinced. he wanted another chance and he would live in delusion of you coming back if he had to. 

the last time he saw you, you two fought. he remembers it very clearly but he wants to forget it every day, he felt like it wasn't that bad. was he in the wrong? 100% but it didn't justify you walking out on them. 

"(y/n) come on, you can't be serious. even if you do feel like that, it's nothing that we can't fix!" he said when you came to visit him to talk about how you were feeling. god he was such a fucking idiot, he should've just taken you seriously and the more he thinks about it, the more he cringes at how he reacted.

when you sighed and shook your head as you left, he was so blinded by hysteria that he didn't even look at you. he remembers telling changbin this and he knew he would get mad at him but he didn't care, if a lesson needed to be taught that he behaved in a stupid manner, he deserved it. it never arrived though, changbin understood that he wasn't in the right but he also missed the red flags so he couldn't blame his friend for taking this approach.

"i just want her back bin. this song is all i fucking have and it already feels like it's done for." felix expressed and changbin just patted him on the back as he looked at the lyrics his member wrote. 

"i think we can do it though, i think everything will be alright in the end." the older said as he continued the song with his verse and together they made it work. changbin hugged him and held him close as the other one just lost himself in his hyung.

if there was a feeling worse than losing you, it was missing you felix thought.

[ chorus : chan, seungmin & jeongin ] y si fuera por mí, estaría cerca de ti, ah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, ah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love) y si fuera por mí, no me correría de tu lado (and if it was up to me, i wouldn't be moved from your side) apretados, pero ya embarcaste (tightly but you already sailed away) di todo lo que tengo por vos, pero sé que yo fui un desastre [i gave everything for you, but i know i was a disaster)

he knew his members would eventually fight him because he was the last one that saw you. the confrontation was tough because even though everyone was fond of each other, the glue that tied them together was you when the situations got hard. chan knew he didn't handle the situation well, he knew everyone was disappointed in him and blamed himself for you leaving every day. he didn't want to feel like this but it was impossible when he was so cold and distant with his words and actions.

as a leader he should've known better, as a person he should've been better. 

"hyung please don't blame yourself." seungmin said as he sat down next to him. he was the only one who didn't yell at him and yet he thought he deserved it but the youngest wouldn't do it. "it was long overdue that they were gonna leave us because of how they felt and all of the signs were there."

"yeah but i had my chance to stop it and didn't" chan expressed, rotten and bitter that he still had to put up a fight against himself. if he couldn't keep you, he wouldn't be able to keep anything, not like he cared since the only thing he wanted right now was to see you again. 

"maybe you did but we can't keep on thinking that, we need to do something about it." seungmin said and chan nodded. he was right, he couldn't leave in the shadows forever, he couldn't keep on taking the bullet because it would only make it worse for him.

he really gave everything for you but it wasn't enough. even like he said, he was a disaster and there was no changing what went down or how it happened. there was only hoping that it would all heal and you would be able to continue what you once started. or maybe there would be a part where he would have to let go finally.

jeongin got lost in a train of thought when he had to say his verse. he got completely caught up in a moment that happened so long ago that all he could do was stare as he tried to say his lyrics but chan told him to start all over again.

"innie i know it's hard but i'm always here for you." you said and that should've been sweet but it wasn't because he responded the worst way possible.

"please go (y/n), i can't do this right now." he said and it made him physically recoil. like he could not understand why he was so distant, why he felt the need to talk to you like that and of course he remembers it now that he doesn't have a chance at all.

he was mad at himself not only because of that, because of everything they made you go through. maybe it was for the best that you went away because if you did stay, things would've gotten worse. but he wouldn't go without a fight as stupid and cliche as it was, he needed to fight for you and what your love was.

[ verse 4 : hyunjin, felix & minho ] sé que mucho arriesgaste, pero mirá al final (i know you risked a lot but look at the end) paso la noche viendo las fotos que tengo de los dos (i spent the nights looking at the photos i got from both of us) cara de póker cuando mi brother pregunta: "¿qué pasó?" (poker face when my brother asks the question "what happened?") yo solo estoy enfocado en ver cómo soltarte (i'm only focused on seeing how i let you go) bebé, no quiero perderte (baby, i don't wanna lose you) pero menos que me pierdas una oportunidad (but less that you make me lose the chance) eso significa no verte, fuck mi mala suerte (that means not seeing you, fuck my bad luck) tengo que aprender a soltar (i need to learn to let go)

minho remembers taking a picture of you, it was by the han river and you were making a peace sign. late at night when no one could see him and you didn't have to hide from the public. he wanted to keep you there forever, cherish you and make you feel loved.

"god i look so bad, delete it." you said and he just shook his head as he embraced you, giving you a tight hug. covering you with his coat as the wind blew near the water, it got suddenly colder. you accepted his tenderness and love as you laid your head on his shoulder.

"you look good all the time." he said, smiling and giving you a kiss on the forehead. you blushed as you looked up to meet his eyes and then suddenly closed them to meet him in a peaceful and lovely kiss that you would be sure to remember. well at least he still remembered and felt it from time to time.

"stop daydreaming." hyunjin said as he woke up minho from his daily session of reimagining things again and he sighed, annoyed by the others' presence but he knew they had to record their lines together. "It's all about letting go now like the lyrics say."

"yeah none of us are doing a good job at that." felix said as he walked in, his hair a mess and his voice raspier than usual. he knew he wasn't doing well but this was bottom of the barrel and he just didn't know how to take care of himself anymore.

"tired of saying we'll probably get a chance when i actually don't know." minho mumbled to himself but the other two catched it and nodded along. this was gonna be a tough act to put on but they needed to keep going till the end. a bad loser was one that wouldn't even show up, at least they were trying to win something out of this.

[ chorus : jisung, chan & seungmin ] y si fuera por mí (yoh, yoh), estaría cerca de ti, yeah (and if it was up to me, i would be close to you, yeah) pero tengo que dejarte volar (but i gotta let you fly) supongo que es una parte de amar (i guess it's a part of love)

jisung was in the last chorus because that's what they decided on. he sighed as he had only one verse, the last one to make the chance count. even now he was feeling nervous for one line, he never felt this tense since he started being in stray kids and now he just wanted to shut himself off and close the door to his bedroom to not think about you. he was always invaded by memories anyways, so it's not like he could stop it but right now all the flashbacks like a movie were on his mind and he felt the tears build up.

seungmin found himself saying the last lyric of the song, thinking of the times when you would be staring at him before you two kissed. he didn't want to let go even if the song said otherwise but it would be the best option if things didn't go as planned.

"i love you minnie." you whispered to him after an award show one day. they had collected most of the trophies yet none of them felt as good as your love and having you by his side (as corny as it sounds). 

"i love you too." he whispered back and kissed your cheek as you were leaving the place were it took place. fingers intertwined and smiles on both of your faces. 

he remembered it with such love but deep pain as he pronounced his lyrics. i guess it's a part of love huh? he thought to himself as he saw the video going up, the song reaching an incredible amount of listens and going viral on every platform

maybe something good would come out of this.

+ 1

you knew it was about you and it was absolutely everywhere. you didn't have a friend who didn't send you the song and you didn't have a coworker who didn't talk about it. the new stray kids song is so sad that it will make you cry but it's still a vibe or whatever the headlines were saying. you were done with it but because your curiosity was over the roof, you knew you had to listen to it at least once.

and you did, you took in all the lyrics, all the verses and the chorus. you sighed when you finished it, is it really like this? do they really want you back? do they crave to be close to you like they say? you didn't know fully. maybe they just took in the situation and made the song for clout. but you knew them better than that and wouldn't do that if they weren't truly sorry, it was a whole mess to think about this.

you unblocked all of them, the hardest one to unblock being chan but you did it. speaking of the devil, he sent you a message as soon as you did unblock him and it was like destiny or magic or something insane because he couldn't believe he was no longer prohibited on your phone as he started spamming you. 

then soon everyone started messaging you and it felt like the old times, bringing back a smile to your face. it looks like they really did miss you and wanted you back.

you opened seungmin's chat and wrote just two words.

one chance.

[damianesco]

STATUS: closed for @alecflynn LOCATION: escobedo residence

Damian doesn’t mean to stay long. He knows sooner rather than later Jason’ll be checking his location and asking about why he’s at his own house instead of Jason’s place, waiting for him, despite the miles and miles of distance between them. Jason’s told him he doesn’t like to think about Damian anywhere but home — it’s just unnatural, baby. I feel a lot better knowing you’re safe, tucked in at my place.

He’d left some of his weed behind — in case you need to take the edge off while I’m gone — which Damian appreciates, but he’d realized, suddenly, he doesn’t have his lucky lighter. Damian hasn’t used it in a while — not for anything other than lighting candles, anyway — but it’s the only lighter he’d feel comfortable using. It makes sense, in his head. If he smokes this with his lucky lighter, then it can’t get too bad. It can’t get too bad, because it’s lucky. In case you need to take the edge off while I’m gone. 

Lighter in hand, Damian’s about to make his way back out of the house when the doorbell rings, stopping him in his tracks. Package, maybe? Frowning, he closes the distance to the front door and looks through the peephole — fuck. It’s Alec. The sight of his friend reminds him he’s once again skipped out on D&D night without a heads up, and he swears under his breath at the idea Alec, of all people, would care enough to come find him for it. 

Opening the door — no other choice, really, he’s on his way out already — he meets Alec’s gaze as evenly as he can, the weight of his lucky lighter and the weed heavy in his jacket pocket. “Hi,” he greets the other as cheerfully as he can. “What are you, uh, doing here, Alec?” 

[chloe12801]

I feel like this may be an odd request but I have the biggest crush on Lamar. Could I ask for relationship headcanons for him if you are up for it? SFW and NSFW would be appreciated but totally up to you. I feel like the odd woman out in my love for him lol Thank you!

Lamar Davis Headcannons

TW: non-graphic sexual details

There’s actually quite a few who love Lamar, I’m one of them! If he had more screen time even more people would, imo. He’s a great character and this request was not odd at all! I had fun doing it :)) I hope you enjoy!

- He loves spending time smoking weed in his house with you. It would be one of his favorite date night activities

- Pet names like shawty, lil mama, sweet thang, sexy, and some other reference to you as a person (ex: pumpkin/pumpkin head if you are really into fall/autumn just to be a bit cheeky)

- He’s an ass man, his hands will be all over yours all of the time

- He’s a great roaster, you two will likely have roast sessions where you just go back and forth dissing each other. It’s all in good fun though

- Loves you as much as chop, but not more than him. He’s chop, essentially Lamar’s son, after all

- Will want to share his raps and poems with you, also will be very happy if you’re receptive to his philosophies. No one else really is so it would be a nice change

- Will let you keep one of his hats because you look cuter in it, will be happy to see you wearing it out and about

- You will probably fight about his impulsivity and recklessness that always ends up with him being in danger. You just worry about him and wish he used his brain more in serious situations

- He thinks he’s almost invincible, so he won’t understand why you’re concerned. He thinks he can handle his own even if it’s him against every man in LS

- Lamar is really loyal so if you have any enemies or people you simply don’t like, he’s going to feel that way about them too (unless it’s someone from his circle, in that case he will try to keep the peace between everyone, defending all of you to each other)

- He’s going to want you to be the same way to him, very loyal

- He’s goofy, tries to stay positive, and wants other people to relax more. He will do what he can to make you more like this as well

- For example, if you’re stressed he will joke and try to calm you down with reassurance and positivity

- He can be jealous and petty (just look at the whole employee if the month situation). If someone is coming on to you he’s going to be clingy and have a grudge against them for a long time, even if the grudge just consists of bringing up the situation to the person coming on to you for years

- He’s spiritual and into learning about spiritual types of things. If you like crystals and chakras, for example, he’s going to eat up every word

- He’s good in bed. He doesn’t take it too serious, he makes sure you are having a good time, and his nickname “long dick” isn’t an overcompensation

- I don’t think he has many kinks, perhaps roleplay of wild animals/predator prey situations. He mainly likes trying new positions and paces

- He thinks sex is a spiritual thing, especially if you love the person. He feels like it connects you to higher powers and gives you better energies

- He’ll be honest with you about everything, like if you have something in your teeth. He can be blunt about it, but he doesn’t mean any harm

- He will want a bunch of kids, likes the idea of a little Army of Lamars running around

[ambiguouspuzuma]

Algae

"I'm sure you've hard around the Bās system," she said, in faltering Human English: pronouncing hard rather than heard, and confusing around and about. But Objects in the Mirror gave her points for trying. Most emissaries would open in their own language, and just expect him to keep up.

"The solar flare? Yes, of course. Awful, awful news."

He folded his limbs in the Bās gesture for commiseration, and she reciprocated with an appreciative click. She wasn't indigenous Bāsic - not unless she was hiding a couple of arms under her gown - but emissaries were encouraged to adopt the planet of each posting as if it were their own.

"How long do they think until... you know?"

"Forty taons, more or less. A few more sons, and it will all be gone."

"A few generations," he translated. "It almost doesn't bear thinking about. Millennia of civilisation, and then the universe does this. I'm so sorry."

"Me too."

"I do speak Eastern Bāsic, if that's easier for you," Objects in the Mirror continued, wondering which would be her preference. She might have been born in the Com belt, from the shade and texture of her skin. "Or a few dialects of Comon. I was only on Earth for fifty taons, so I never went entirely native."

His correct guess was rewarded by another click, although her tone turned apologetic. "Sorry, is my ascent that strong? I grew up on Com-5, so Honsun is my baby tongue - but I'd like to perverse with Human, if you don't mind too much. It's good to have the practice."

"English it is." He smiled in the Human fashion, with his teeth instead of his eyes. "What else can I do for you?"

"As you will know, we have enjoyed sentries of peace. A perfect equilibrium. We spawn, we die, and our populations remain much the same. Our worlds remain much the same, held in balance to exactly meet our needs. But that balance has been tipped. This solar flare follows volcanic activity on Com-2, and soon we will be two worlds down. We will need new homes, and fast."

"I'm no terraformer," Objects in the Mirror said. "I'm a cultural researcher. I study the way things are, preserved, rather than changing what they might be."

"You know Earth," the emissary said. "If we have exhausted our own planets, we must look to bring others into the fold. Make our homes amongst them, if we can. You've been there, done it. Is there space?

"Space?" He chuckled at that. "Mankind abhors a vacuum. They can't see a blank page without filling it. Men are like a culture of algae, you understand. They'll always grow to fill their cell, their dish, and overflow if you forget to replace the lid. That's why we've kept them at arm's length. We want to keep the little that we have."

"They would take our homes? Destroy the rest of our balance?"

"They might not mean to, but yes." He crossed his various limbs in contemplation. "Not all of them, of course. You won't be familiar with their hobby of keeping bonsai trees, but they follow our approach to planets: looking inwards, all effort on perfecting what you have, and maintaining it in that state, as we do with our societies. But most men are more like weeds. They have no patience for perfection. Only growth drives them: more land, more wealth. More people. They breed like haraguti, and are never content in one place for long."

That concept was foreign to Com-5 as it was here. Objects in the Mirror knew that the emissary would have been raised with the same philosophy of life: home was home, and they would build it upwards before spreading out. All resources were devoted to improving the lot of their society, raising the baseline, no individual left behind, rather than expanding it - fighting wars whilst children starved at home, and leaving more misery in their wake.

Other than emissaries like her, researchers like him, there was little desire for citizens to leave their home systems, where everything was different to their tastes. A move to Earth would be a desperate measure, born of desperate times. But humans would colonise a barren rock as soon as they were given the means, just to see it done. Whatever the hardship, they would endure it, out of some driving need to overcome each barrier in front of them, and then the next, and then the next, whatever the personal cost.

"They've been on Earth a thousand years," she said. "They seem fairy content."

"Only because we've stopped them," he explained. "Their history is one of conquest. Every state has tried to spill over into its neighbours, taking from others and churning up their land, rather than building a paradise on their own soil. Every enterprise, whatever its success, chases constant growth and profit above preserving what they have. Do you know much about sharks?"

"Are they the ones with the tentacles?"

"No, but I suppose it doesn't matter. Aquatic predators. Big teeth. A man once told me that they need to keep moving or they die, and I think that men are the same. They're irrepressible, so we decided to repress them. We thought it better to keep them there." He paused. "Of course, could use a little irrepressible now."

"How do you mean?" the emissary asked. He wasn't sure if she meant that last point, or if he'd passed the limits of her vocabulary, in which case he'd have to repeat that whole thing. He took a gamble on the former.

"Are you familiar with concept of pioneer species? They're often seen as weeds, but they serve a vital ecological role. Fast spreading, fast reproducing, able to adapt to virgin land, terraforming it for others to follow. You get algae on an island first, and it creates the mulch for complex plants to grow in."

"Algae and weeds again," she said. "So what do you suggest? You said we can't go to Earth, because they will come to us."

"Or we could point them in the other direction, and see what else they find," he considered; arms still crossed, face still smiling. "Perhaps it's time to open the lid."

[frownyalfred]

I was sorry to see you dealing with so many critical comments in Borderline recently, mostly because I love that fic and I love seeing characters in complex situations making bad choices sometimes. But I ALSO wanted to say that the way you're handling it is very classy. I have been dealing with some terrible comments on my own fics lately, and I find myself going to your page to learn how to handle it in a way that's fair, without being overly reactive or targeting anyone. Sometimes I can't tell whether to delete a comment or not, or whether to respond to a criticism or not, especially when my own hurt feelings get in the way. It really helps to see how someone else deals with it in a wise and experienced fashion. So thank you for that. If you have any further tips, too, I'd love to hear them!

Thank you so much anon! And I'm really, truly sorry that you're also dealing with hurtful comments. Nobody deserves that, especially authors working for free to put content out there.

I appreciate this ask a lot since there have been many times in the last few months where I have blown up privately, been upset, considered nuking everything, and generally reacted very poorly to negative, condescending, backhanded, or downright abusive comments. I was not handling it well! I was feeling hurt, and definitely not wise!

I have some wise, wise writing friends though. And generally, after venting (quite understandably) I think most authors know, in their gut, how they want to respond to these kinds of comments.

My advice is as follows, and it's been what I've pieced together from friends and my own experiences in the last few weeks:

Stand by your fic and your choices. It's great to slightly alter your plot when people respond really positively to a character, for example, but don't let a crowd of angry commenters force your hand on any decision, whether it's small or large. Would you have removed that character if there hadn't been three comments about it?

Try to be the adult in the room. Even if you're not older than your commenters or readers, the rule still stands. Try not to sink to their level (barring some necessary cases) and get in the mud. You're the author and you have all the power! Mute them, block them, lock down your comments -- the only power they have is through commenting, and getting into your head. That's power you can give them, or take away from them.

Be honest about how the comments make you feel. A lot of times, I think authors layer their hurt in other, more acceptable reasons. It's okay to be hurt by a backhanded, but well-intentioned comment. Saying "I appreciate this comment but the way you phrased it hurt me for x reason" is a totally mature and realistic way to respond to comments like that. Or telling readers something like "Please don't yell at each other/the characters in my comments, it stresses me out and makes me feel like you're upset with the story and/or me" is what I ended up doing.

Don't get caught in the weeds. Delete the comments that make you upset. Really. You don't need to respond to every comment (I have several rants about this already) and if you do, you definitely don't need to respond to ones that make you sad, upset, etc. If deleting that weird comment or skipping over a reply will make you feel better, do it! I'm sure your readers would prefer you skip a response over you getting hung up on a mean comment and not writing.

Know when to walk away. I took a break from writing borderline because it was stressing me out. Like, my already-high blood pressure was getting higher. I took a month off and wrote other things, and when I was ready to put up a new chapter, the words came really quickly and I was inspired again <3 It's also 100% okay if you never come back to that fic or series again -- your mental health is always -- always -- more important.

6. (bonus) sometimes saying "fuck you" is better than anything else. Sometimes, the pettiness wins, and you're not the adult in the room. I get it. I've ranted a lot on here and posted a lot about (anonymized) comments I've received. So yeah, fuck you, random assholes commenting awful things to me about sexual assault -- one day I hope to find a way to block my fics from ever being read by you again.

Sorry this was a bit of a rant. If you ever want to talk, anon, my inbox/DMs are always open. I'm sorry again that you're receiving hateful comments -- you don't deserve it, and your work deserves to flourish on its own. I hope you keep repeating that to yourself <3