#I think I’m on my way to an anxiety attack

[boushwrites]

LONG LOVE WRITING ♡

If opportunities were sold, I would have bought them all and spent them on our love, even if it cost me my soul. But she doesn’t want to—she no longer feels anything for me.

I, the resilient one who was never shaken by anything, was defeated by her words: "I don’t love you anymore," "You’ve become just another ordinary person to me."

Between believing those words and swallowing the bitterness of her lack of feelings toward me, I die and come back to life thousands of times each day, for months now. Truly, not metaphorically. After her words, something inside me died. Darkness managed to occupy my chest entirely, and since that day, I’ve been struggling, day after day, to keep some semblance of life within me.

I carry a heart overflowing with pure love for someone who has completely discarded my love, with a soul burning with longing for eyes that no longer wish to see me, for a body that no longer desires my embrace, for a soul that no longer feels at home with mine, for someone who no longer cares about me at all.

Yes, I made mistakes—we both did. We both exhausted each other to the brink of death. But months later, questions still gnaw at my mind:

How could a love like ours die? How could it not endure? How could it vanish, dissipate into nothing? I thought such a thing was impossible! How can a lover forget? How can a loyal heart not forgive? How can someone so deeply in love remain distant for so long?

I believed that true lovers always find their way back to one another, no matter the obstacles. And I know, with absolute certainty, that what we had was more real than anything else in this world.

Or was it fate? The same fate that led our small, innocent hands to create all this pain and destruction—just to separate us?

A reader of my words might think I’m foolish, pitiful, overly romantic, or exaggerating my admiration for her—or that all of this is nothing but a shot of madness. But I tried to do what she did, hoping I might survive, hoping I could stop loving her, that she would become ordinary, that I’d no longer care about her.

I summoned every painful word she said, every harm that transpired between us, every moment I cried and suffered, every night I spent weeping, every night I convinced myself that our separation was for the best, that I wasn’t meant for her.

I remembered every ache that gripped my chest, every anxiety attack, every shock, every bit of coldness, neglect, and indifference, all the repeated mistakes. I remembered the fiery jealousy that consumed me, and I blamed myself over and over—not just for my mistakes but even for my exhaustion and brokenness, for my inability to keep going, for my repeated fleeing, for how she pushed me, until I cried so much that my tears dried up.

I wiped them away, embraced myself, and showed mercy to my soul. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t love her anymore. I swore I wouldn’t love someone who didn’t see my love, who didn’t love me back. I promised I wouldn’t grieve the loss of someone who accepted my departure, who found peace in it, who saw a path in life without me.

But moments later, I found myself falling for her again like a fool. I melted into her love. I forgave all her wrongs, accepted everything about her, and overlooked every misstep.

If she asked for my eyes, I would have given them to her without hesitation, without expecting anything in return—just to see her eyes happy.

And so, I began praying for myself, praying to my Lord to take my soul before this ended love destroys it.

translated using chatgpt for laziness matters.

SB ♡

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[snowflake-sage]

Pretty proud of how far I’ve come this year

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

[stillinthatweirdfaze]

“are you into any fandoms?” Got to scared. Not a fan of anything except for concepts and ideas.

[missmouse43]

6 weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke…..

🏝️🤙🏄🏾‍♀️🏄🏼‍♂️💔

[beanniiee]

rant in the tags

[indie-rock]

.

[theloveinc]

Scaredy cat reader is just like me fr, I cannot handle watching or seeing gore irl but reading it is calm

No bc literally me too!!

I was just watching some horror documentary the other day too where one of the girls was like “I love horror movies bc no matter what happens, you’re not there and it ends” whereas I honestly think seeing the horror is the equivalent of actually being there irl and it’s reading where it really is just, “haha this is made up and I’m safe 🙂”

[grayintogreen]

I’m 15k into Chapter 31 of YCDHN and I’ve finished 3/5 scenes. When I say this chapter is going to be long… oh boy.

[madigoround]

💜

[fappellmoan]

i mean it’s just kinda crazy cause. and forgive me if i sound somewhat spoiled here but. this trip im doing to take more credits and get experience and make connections etc is obviously expensive and i talked abt it with my parents. a lot before trying to do it. and somehow my dad didn’t understand that yk we would have to pay for it. ??? and is putting me in this spot of ‘figuring out what we’re gonna do about it’ and it’s like dude. i mean i’m going i paid for my fucking flights you know i’m. regardless i’ll be there. and i make $10/hr i have not been able to work consistently and when you don’t have thousands and thousands of dollars just sitting there accumulating more interest it doesn’t fucking last. like what exactly do you want me to say? i’ll drain all my accounts and give what little i have to you? tldr my main point here is the only way this man truly shows any kind of affection is through money and since he fucked me up im glad to take advantage of that lol like why wouldn’t i. so to have it thrown back in my face is just um an awful feeling. like im not even worth this to you. this is just too much. it truly does feel like someone put a number on love and im just not up there

[n1ntendos]

idk if it’s me being silly or how fucked up and stressful today was but i just want to text my friend and ask them to visit me after work tmrw because i want a hug but that’s so fucking lame. like yes you’re exhausted after your 8 hour hard labour shift AND dealing with actual Grown Up Adult Problems like a mortgage while i’m having a mental breakdown because of my health going to shit and my family falling apart again and i just really want to hold you for like 5 minutes i just can’t do this alone anymore

[applecherry108]

I found my old (privated) YouTube videos that I made in high school.

How in gods name did no one ever realize I was autistic. 😭😭😂

Update: I have video fucking evidence from March 17 2009, nearly EXACTLY 14 YEARS AGO, of my dumb adhd ass forgetting what I was saying mid sentence. 🤦‍♀️ I am naming objects. I had to pick up the last object I literally put down and name it again in order to fucking remember what I was saying. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ HOW. HOW DID NO ONE KNOW. 😩

[bardofavon]

not to be controversial bc I know this is like…not in line with shifting opinions on fanfic comment culture but if there’s a glaring typo in my work I will NOT be offended by pointing it out. if ao3 fucks up the formatting…I will also not be offended by having this pointed out…

‘looking forward to the next update’ and ‘I hope you update soon!’ are different vibes than a demand, and should be read in good faith because a reader is finding their way to tell you how much they love it. I will not be mad at this.

‘I don’t usually like this ship but this fic made me feel something’ is also incredibly high praise. I’m not going to get mad at this.

even ‘I love this fic but I’m curious about why you made [x] choice’ is just another way a reader is engaging in and putting thought into your work.

I just feel like a lot of authors take any comment that’s not perfectly articulated glowing praise in the exact manner they’re hoping to receive it in bad faith.

fic engagement has been dropping across the board over the last several years, and yes it’s frustrating but it isn’t as though I can’t see how it happens. comment anxiety can be a real thing. the last thing anyone wants to do is offend an author they love, and that means sometimes people default to silence.

idk where I’m going with this I guess aside from saying unless a comment is outright attacking me I’m never going to get mad at it, and I think a lot of authors should feel the same way. ESPECIALLY TYPOS PLZ GOD POINT OUT MY TYPOS.

[pilonciillo]