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oxpogues4lifexo · 4 months ago

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Keeping Up With The Camerons

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Keeping up with the Camerons

Episode 2 - A Helping Hand

Previous Episode Here

Episode transcript (/ means cut scene, bold italics means narrator, bold means host)

Word count: 13.5K

Shorter Episodes Here - 3K Words

Coming up!

“You just know they’re doing it”

“He’s a person like the rest of us. Ward just fails to realise it.”

“She’s a princess and he’s.. well.. the devil at his finest.”

“God just kiss already..”

“Your sister! Has been talking to the Pogue down on the south side.”

“Bella’s with that asshole today ain’t she! Gonna go check on her be right back.”

“You uh you know Sarah?”

“I’ve been speaking to her actually..”

“Rafe!! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I wasn’t talking to you was I?”

“That’s my job! And it has been for 16 years.”

Kooks. And Pogues. Two tribes. One island.

Or in this case..

The Camerons. Kildare. One family. The whole island.

I am your host Ryan Seacrest, and THIS is Keeping up with the Camerons!

This episode includes the bts footage the Camerons don’t know you can see, forgetting that there are cameras in every crevice of their life not just in the hands of my camera crew! (Written in pink)

“We have a busy day today! I’m taking Bella down to the docks where we’re going to help out with the boats. That’s what we do around here, we help out, do charity work! It makes you a better person. Me and Bella do it whenever she’s got a free day from the club. Other days it’s just me on my own. She likes to help out, it’s like payback for me letting her into my home. That’s what she says anyways!” Ward chuckles, his hand running through his fluffy strands. Today, Ward’s dressed more casually. A pair of dark blue jeans hugged around his legs with a checkered shirt sat loosely on his torso; the top few buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up. His watch still held around his wrist tightly.

“Right! Bella up and attem sweetheart!! Big day ah-“ He claps his hands before pausing in the hall between his office and the living room, frowning at the room infront of him. The boys were all sat around the living room, shouting and swearing as the tv shows their video game. Topper and Callum were playing a heated 1v1.

Ward steps closer as his brow furrows, looking round into the kitchen before his eyes take the back of Rafe’s head, “Where’s Bella?”

Rafe swings his head round, mouth wide as if he realised something horrible; infact he was just shocked to see his dad still here. It was around 10:30 and the sun had filled the room; but Ward had been talking with Ryan all morning. “She’s..” He stands up suddenly, his hands pushing through his hair as his eyes widen. “She’s in my room! I’ll go get her.” He jogs up the stairs, his sneakers squeaking up every step.

Ward goes over to the others, “What’s this your playing?”

“Shh shh, hang on!” Topper waves him away as he sits forward on his knees.

“They’re playing COD!” Kelce explains not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Like the fish?” Ward questions genuinely, confused as to what any of this means.

Kelce gives him a laugh as he shakes his head, an answer hanging from his lips before Callum screams, “Fuck!!” He slams the controller on the table sitting back as his hands run over his face.

Topper laughs at him, high-fiving Kelce. “Aw someone a sore loser?”

Callum doesn’t answer, but only stares at him. Ward laughs away the tension, “You lot here all day?” He leans his hands against the back of the couch behind Toppers head.

Sarah comes downstairs, walking over to Ward and wrapping her arms round his belly as she rests her head on his chest. “Good morning beautiful..” He kisses the top of her head.

Topper looks up at Ward, giving Sarah a smile, “Nah I’m out with Sarah today!”

“I’m staying with Rafe.” Callum spreads his legs, his pink shorts sitting up to his knees as a light t-shirt hangs from his body. His big arms hooked around the back of his head, his fingers fiddling with the small patch of sandy hair at the nape of his neck.

“Yeah I don’t mind them letting themselves over. I mean Toppers dating my daughter and Callum’s welcome whenever. It’s just nice to know when and where, you know? If I’m coming home from a stressful day I’d wanna know if I’m going to have to deal with lots of people around my house. Especially with the cameras here at the moment.”

Rafe reaches his room, knocking on the door lightly, "Bella?"

"Come in!" Bella exclaims bubbly. He lets himself in, peaking round the door incase she was changing despite her offer to come inside.

"Hey." She smiles softly, pulling her top over her head. Rafe goes over to help her, pulling her hair out her top.

"Hey." The corners of his lips lift as his eyes catch hers for a moment; Bella blushes, giggling nervously as she walks past him; sitting on the edge of the bed to slip her shoes on.

"Wards ready to leave!" Rafe kneels down, taking the laces from her hands and tying them gently.

A smile forms against Bella's lips as she sits back up, "I know. I woke up late. Wheezie came in like five minutes ago saying she's going out."

Rafe laughs along under his breath, tapping her shoe as a 'there you go' before moving to the next. "You out all day? Was hoping to do something with you today. We haven't really seen each other this week. Kinda miss you.." He mutters, almost too quiet but she nods along, a small smile pulling at her cheeks.

She leans down, lifting a bit of hair that had fallen over Rafe's eye, "I'm sure we could do something later! Maybe we could go out on the boat or something?" She reassures, lifting her words near the end to bring his attention up to her.

He nods, a smirk tugging at his lips as he stands up, putting out his hand for her to take,

"Okay. Cant wait." He places a kiss to her head as he wraps his arm around her neck, hand still holding hers as he takes her downstairs.

"Me and Rafe rarely ever get time alone really, I mean we don't have any reason to see each other outside of our friend group because what more is there to do? But I can never really tell if he means it or not you know. Like if he really does want to see me or he's just saying it because he feels like he has to!" Bella shrugs, a slight frown crossing her brows as she forces a smile. "It doesn't really matter." She throws her hands up as she lets out a quiet laugh.

“You look after her a’ight. Wan’ her back here in one piece.” Callum demands, his eyebrows raising as his eyes lock onto Ward. Wards face scrunches in offence, his words making Ward sound incapable of taking care of someone.

“She’ll be fine Callum.” He answers plainly, fed up with his constant distrust.

“Here you are sir!” Rafe steps down from the stairs, holding his hand out towards Ward as he takes Bella’s hand to help her walk down ahead of him. The others look up as she giggles.

The boys all look at one another and laugh, muttering something the cameras were unable to pick up.

“Rafe’s definitely.. different around Bella. When he’s with her too long he gets um..” Topper pauses, his fingers meeting the bridge of his nose as he holds back from laughing again.

Callum places his arm on Topper’s shoulder as he moves into shot, “He turns soft! Thats what happens. He forgets he’s a guy.” Topper snickers, removing himself from the shot to calm himself down. “I mean he just..”

Topper takes a deep breath as he stands back up, Cal’s arm taking his shoulder once again, very evidently showing off his height. “He means that Rafe seems to age down when around her for too long. As if he’s not almost a 20 year old man! He loses his sense of decency.”

“To be honest I don’t even know who he is around her.” Callum grumbles, scratching his brow and Topper nods along.

“Nah you just know they’re doing it.” Toppers obvious lie forces him to laugh despite trying to hold it back. The thought in Callum’s mind causes him to physically gag as he sticks up his middle finger to Toppers face and leaves, back inside.

Topper snickers, looking back at the camera once more, shrugging his shoulders, “I mean we’d never know even if they were, don’t know why I’m the bad guy?” He lets out a menacing laugh before running inside back to annoy Callum.

“Ah there you are!” Ward announces, as Sarah takes herself from his hold. She joins Topper on the couch whilst Ward pulls Bella in for a hug.

“You’re welcome..” Rafe mutters to himself, rolling his eyes as he goes back over to the couch and takes the controller for himself. Bella’s eyes follow him heavily.

“I see the way Ward treats Rafe. He doesn’t care. Or atleast he doesn’t let on that he cares! It kills to see Rafe the way he gets when Ward doesn’t appreciate him. Like earlier when he expected atleast a ‘thank you’ for something. I don’t know what it was but I knew he was upset over it! He tries so hard for him yet Ward doesn’t notice.” Bella bats her lashes, dabbing the corners of her eyes that teared up by the mere thought of Rafe being treated the wrong way. “Sorry!” She laughs at herself, waving a hand over her face as she sniffles; calming herself back into sanity.

“He um.. he calls me a lot during the night when me and Cal are at home, to ask if I’d stay up with him and just talk. I hate hearing him sniffling and stuff across the phone and not being able to do anything. I do try my best for Rafe, he deserves it from atleast someone!” She smiles softly, looking through the glass doors at Rafe on the couch. With a shrug of her shoulders she speaks up again, “He’s a person like the rest of us. Ward just fails to realise it.”

“Well kids we’re off! See you tonight for dinner.” His hand finds Sarah’s head as he squeezes lightly, causing a small laugh to fall from her lips as the others say their goodbyes.

Wards hand meets Bella’s as he guides her to the door, she turns back and waves one last ‘bye’ to the cameras before they make their way out to the car outside.

Ward holds the door for Bella as she lifts herself into the passenger seat. She wore a floral pink skirt and a white tank top as the weather today was a hot one.

“So I’m guessing it’s your episode today?” Bella watches Ward drive, focusing on the road and she glances back at the camera.

“Yep! I’m first. We’re going to the docks today aren’t we?” He turns to her, smiling brightly as he nods his head towards her, his voice soft and calming.

“Does he always speak to you like that?”

“Like what sorry?” She tilts her head, confused as Ward hadn’t spoken to her in quite a while. She was sat on the edge of one of the piers, her feet swinging just above the waters surface, next to a friendly face.

“Shit you don’t hear it Bell’?” She looks at him, eyes wide, brows furrowed. Not understanding what exactly she’s missing. “He babies you so hard!”

“He does not??” She watches his expressions as he snickers under his breath, his lips squished shut to try not letting it out. “John B stop!!” She pushes his face to get him to stop but it only makes it worse. He lets out a loud cackle.

“He so does Bella! Like everyone sees it!! But you know.. it’s cos your his favourite ‘n all.” He raises his eyebrows, tilting his head towards her so their noses were touching.

She giggles, forcing a frown on her brows as she sighs. “Shut up..”

He sits up suddenly, holding his chest in his palm, his mouth fallen agape as he stares at her. She giggles once more, “Okay.. maybe he does a- a little?”

“That’s the closest you’re gonna get to a yes so take it!” John B shrugs at Ryan, Bella looks up at him in disbelief as she smacks his chest, “She abuses me! You see that?”

She tuts rolling her eyes to the camera, “I do not!! Tell him I don’t!” She pleads to him, desperation filling her eyes as her kindness is very dear to herself.

He laughs again, pulling her into him, his arm sat round her neck, “Nah she’s nice I guess.” He playfully rolls his eyes, rubbing his fist through her hair. She sits up, pulling away from his grip as she stares at him. He lifts himself from the pier and runs the opposite direction quickly followed by Bella as she shouts for him.

“She’s probably the nicest person on the island if I’m being honest. Like if you need her, she’s there you know.” John B laughs, his hand pushing his hair from his face. “It’s why I don’t understand how she’s friends with Rafe?? Like she could’ve been friends with atleast Sarah or something you get what I’m saying. But no. Rafe. They’re like the complete opposites, she’s a princess and he’s.. well.. the devil at his finest. It doesn’t make sense. But I guess when she looks the way she does and she’s as sweet as she is, you don’t really care who you're friends with.”

“Yes!” She turns her body back to the cameras, holding that same precious smile she always wears. “We normally just help out with the boats and transport anything the others can’t. It’s an easy day to be fair! Theres alot of people down there to help.”

“You spend your time with that John B kid don’t you!” Ward brings up, trying to keep the conversation going, “Those two are practically siblings. Always messing about and not actually helping.” He takes a moment to look at her, raising an eyebrow.

She giggles, eyes widening at the camera as Ward rats her out, “Umm.. no?” She mutters, rolling her eyes playfully. “I mean we make helping out fun! That.. that counts?”

“Mm..” Ward agrees unconvincingly, letting out a small chuckle before turning the corner to the docks; he places his hand gently against her stomach to urge her to sit back in her chair, “She is a big help nonetheless!” She smiles in the rearview mirror at the camera.

His hand squeezes her knee before stopping the car. “You want to entertain for a moment I have to go sort something out..” he mutters to her and she merely nods, pulling a smile on her lips as she gets out the car.

She guides Ryan and the camera crew down to the piers, waving and saying hello to the men passing by.

“Hey darling! How’re you this morning?”

“Hi Heyward, I’m good thank you! Howre you?”

“I’m alright thanks sweetheart! Just hot is all.”

The sun was high up in the sky; clear of clouds as the temperature grew warmer. The water was reflecting like crystals along the shore and against all the boats as the old wood of the piers creaked with every step of each body that walked over it. The wind picked up and fell, evident in the way Bella’s hair would sway in the wind and her skirt would lift and drop as she skipped.

Ryan’s, and the crew’s, eyes sat proudly on her face. The whole parade Ward threw yesterday caused a slight uneasiness amongst the group. Bella bounced along the docks before stopping infront of a fishing shop more locally known as ‘Hooks and Kooks’.

“So this is where we work!” She holds her hands up to show off the area. “Over there..” she points at the rows of boats, covered in masses of men heaving boxes, “..Is where we put all the fish and equipment to transport! Andddd,” she looks around before pointing her manicured nail at a young boy, “That’s John B! He's currently.. he’s refilling the diving equipment on the boats!”

The camera zooms in on the boy, his hair fluffy and windswept. He wore a grey bandana loosely around his neck with a pair of blue shorts and a washed T-shirt that looked as though it was covered in some sort of substance; blood, water, something or other. He was carrying a large metal tank back into one of the boats, his muscles sweating under the sun.

As the camera pulls back, Bella had begun her way over, “John B!” She waves as he notices her. He drops the tank down before hopping out the boat and a large smile appears on his face. He rubs his sweat-covered hands on his shirt, before running one through his hair, pushing away the strands from his eyes.

She reaches him, opening her arms as he pulls her into his chest deeply.“Long time no see Bells! Thought you were dead.” He laughs against her ear making her pull away and frown, tilting her head as she laughs.

“Thanks for checking up.” She stares at him and he just lets out a laugh, his hand finding his hair once again as the wind took over its movement.

“So uh.. you got caught up in the show then?” He nods his head toward Ryan.

“Mhm!” She nods, following his gaze to the cameras beside them. “Well I kinda walked in on it yesterday and now Wards dragged me along today so.. I guess I have!” She giggles, her cheeks reddening at the realisation. She plays with the hem of her skirt as John B looks back at the cameras.

Ryan nods, lifting a hand to him. “I’m Ryan!” He steps forward giving him a hand. John B takes it and smiles, nodding back, “I’m John B!” He turns back to Bella, “Where’s Ward?”

She shrugs scratching at her eyebrow as she looks around, “He said he had to do something. So we’re in charge now!” She laughs, bouncing up on her toes to hook her arm around his neck; her head rested against his.

“Hm..” he chuckles, looking at her as his hand finds the small of her back, “I’m liking the sound of this.”

"Heyward!" Ward announces, open arms and a big grin.

"Hey Mr C! Looking good today as always." He nods, a smile pulling at his lips.

"Same to you Bob. What was the issue?" He looked around, frowning at the lack of problems.

Heyward bends a finger, gesturing him to follow as he leads him out to his boat; pointing to the crates of groceries inside, "It's all gone off! All of it! I left it all in ice over night but it's all mouldy already. We can't give that out to the island like that but it's too late to order in more?" His brows furrow as he turns back to await Wards response.

Ward bites his lip, a brow dipped as he holds his jaw, contemplating the options. He walks back off inside, causing only more confusion to drown Heyward.

"-Yes.. please!" Ward steps back outside, squinting under the sun whilst scanning the groceries. "That'll do thank you!" He nods as he pushes his phone back in his pocket, looking up at Heyward with a grin. "Sorted! More groceries will arrive anytime now." He pats Heywards shoulder.

"What- How? I mean thank you!"

Ward chuckles, "I know a few people."

"Thank you Ward!"

“Sorry I had to go speak to Heyward about the transport. He called me earlier to say there was trouble!” Ward readjusted his watch as he steps outside to the cameraman that waited for him. “The kids alright? Doing good work?” He speaks to the man behind the camera as if he was allowed to answer but Ward knew he couldn’t. He just wanted to make conversation for the audience.

He makes his way down to the pier where the two were working.

“Hey Mr Cameron!” A blonde boy tips his cap to Ward as another boy around the same age steers the boat into an empty spot.

“Hi JJ. Call me Ward remember kid?”

“Jayj!!!” Bella shouts, dropping a crate of fish quickly, causing John B to flinch slightly. He looks up and watches as Bella runs off towards the other boy.

“Bella?” He frowns as he opens his arms for her to jump into, spinning her around fast on his feet. He squeezes her tightly, letting her feet feel the ground without letting go. “Shit I’ve missed you..” He mutters as a smile pulls at his lips.

“Yeah I missed you too, J!” She goes in for another hug, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Bella, working remember?” Ward pipes up, almost ordering her as she lifts herself from JJ’s grip with a slight groan.

“Yes ma’am!” She takes JJ’s hat, tipping it to him and placing it to her head before skipping off back to help John B. JJ follows suit, placing himself on a wooden crate beside the boat.

Ward chuckles to himself as he presses a palm to the last boys back, “Pope!”

“Sir!” He nods to him, heading off in the opposite direction.

“So me and Bella are loading up all the boats, these boys here are taking them around the island and John B’s handling the equipment!” Ward recaps despite Bella’s explanation previously. “They’re a great help despite everything my son speaks about them. It’s funny how one persons point of view can be completely different to your own!”

“Ward, helping remember?” Bella looks at him, hands on her hips as she raises an eyebrow. Her foot tapping away at the floor of the pier.

He laughs unknowingly as his eyebrows jerk at her words. He jogs over and before she could react to the realisation of his next move, he had already tackled her; pulling her over his shoulder and spinning her around across the wood. Giggles and struggles left her mouth, causing the boys next to them to smile.

JJ watches, his lips never shifting. “You gotta stop before you bust bro.” John B nudges his side with an elbow.

“Shut up man!” He pushes his arm off him. “Cant be happy to see my best friend again?”

“Little too happy if you ask-” He mutters before getting cut short by the palm of JJ’s hand meeting the back of his head; a groan falling from his lips.

“Boys behave!” Ward had dropped Bella by now, making his way over to the two. “Jesse don’t you have jobs to do?”

JJ shrugs, “Nah I got like 5 minutes bro don’t worry ‘bout me!” He chuckles, enjoying the look on Ward’s face.

“Ward, can I talk to JJ until he leaves? I haven’t seen him all week!” Bella hops over, pulling a sweeter smile than the last if that was somehow possible. She holds her hands behind her back as she sways side to side, trying her absolute best to convince him as if he needed convincing in the first place.

He sighs, knowing the answer before she even asked the question; nodding, causing her to jump up and down like a child. “Five minutes!” He holds up a hand to her face and she giggles.

“Thank youuuu, thank you, thank you!!” Bella sings as she hugs him. He steps out the way and takes John B back to the boat to finish with the crates.

“So Bells, how's your boyfriend?” JJ swings his feet against the wooden crate that held him up, a small grin pulling at his cheeks, already knowing the answer.

Bella groans, her eyes rolling, "He’s not my boyfriend Jayj, you know that." She states firmly, clearly annoyed by the question; JJ mouthing back the words with a smirk as she spoke didn't help the obvious irritation of the subject.

"Yeah well I beg to differ! He’s taking up all your time, I don’t see you no more mama." His face (a small pout and his eyes wide) making it obvious how serious he meant his words.

She notices, reciprocating his expressions as she almost pleads, "No J, I’ve been stuck at work all week I told you that! It’s not his fault."

He scoffs under his breath, his eyebrows jerking as his eyes take the keys in his lap, "Excuses, excuses.."

"Jayj.." She practically begs as her eyes tear up, her eyelashes batting away the urge to cry as her brows knit together through pure frustration.

He laughs at her but couldn't hide the slight lip quiver caused by the sight infront of him; scratching at his brow to distract himself, "I’m just teasing ma, I know!"

Bella's eyes lift as her mouth falls wide, her brows forming into a frown, "Don't do that!" She lifts herself onto her toes to land a smack on his head, forcing a sound of pain to fall from his mouth as he grips his hair, "Making me feel bad J.."

JJ opens his mouth to apologise but before he could, his attentions pulled away, "JJ!" Pope waves to him, shaking the boat keys in the air to tell him it's ready.

"Oh bro I gotta go Pope needs me! See you round?" He jumps off the crate with a ‘thud’, tapping his hand to Bella's arm.

Her eyes fall as another frown takes her face, "What?? But.. JJ! You're so busy all the time I never see you anymore!" She whines mockingly as she pushes her bottom lip out, tilting her head for more sarcasm.

He bites the inside of his cheek, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips as a small breathy laugh falls from his tongue, "… shut up!" He glares at her, only causing another giggle to fill the painful silence.

She smiles, holding in the laugh as her face tenses, forcing a strong complexion to take her features, “Never!”

JJ can’t help but laugh once more before shaking his head, taking his hat off her head and smoothing back his hair to place the hat ontop. “You’re a funny one Bells!” He flashes her a quick wink before spinning his keys around his finger and heading over toward the other boy.

Her brows wobble at her contemplation that clearly took over her face. Her mouth opens and closes before lifting to a soft smile, “Hey Jayj??” She shouts over the noise of creaking wood and middle-aged men yelling; her hands lifting to surround her mouth, tunnelling the sound.

His head swings back, lifting his hat slightly to block the incoming sun from above, “Yeah??”

“Love you!!” She blushes at her own words, squinting her eyes in the sunlight as her skirt gently swayed against her thighs.

JJ laughs against his breath, “Yeah love you too asshole!!” He steps onto the boat beside him.

They both quickly raise their fists, sticking out their middle fingers; causing them both to drop a throaty laugh at one another before turning away and heading back to their previous intentions.

John B stood with his arms crossed, his eyebrows raised as he fought to keep his hair in place against the wind, “God just kiss already..” He mumbles loud enough that she hears as she walks over. The words finding her focus and her head jolts up.

All that was picked up from the camera was the back of Bella’s head and John B’s widened eyes at her notice; Bella lifts her arms to shove him close to the edge of the pier deck. He stumbles backwards, catching himself on one of the wooden beams holding up the pathway. Bella laughs and he merely watches her from afar, keeping his distance as she snorts, uncontrollably laughing, causing a snicker to fall from his own mouth.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you what the hell the thing between them is. I mean half the island thinks she’s with Rafe and the other half JJ. So it’s not only this underlying rivalry between Kooks and Pogues, it’s much deeper than that in the sense that The Cut is team JJ and Figure Eight is team Rafe.” John B laughs to himself, “It’s like twilight in real life. But if I’m being honest..” he whispers, gesturing to the camera to come closer, glancing back at Bella who sat on the boat behind him, “I don’t think she likes either of them. I mean it’s just how she is, she’s the same with me. Unless she’s a- no I won’t say that haha! But you get what I mean.”

Back at TannyHill..

“Ha yes!! Eat shit Rafe!” Callum shouts to him as their heads stay facing the tv infront of them. Rafe’s brows knitted and tongue poking out ever so slightly; the concentration very evident, not hearing Callum’s words of discouragement. Or more so, ignoring them.

“Bullshit!! How??” Callum screams once again, Rafe able to land a hit on him without Cal even noticing.

A small chuckle falls from Rafe’s lips, his body leant over his knees.

Callum sat right beside him, back straight, holding the controller in the air as if moving it on its own would do anything at all.

The slam of the front door throws him off, Rafe managing the last final blow before a big defeat screen pops up on his side.

“Ha! Asshole. Teaches you to fucking get all cocky on me.” Rafe drops the controller on the table, relaxing back into the couch with his hands rested behind his head, lips lifted to a cocky smirk despite his previous statement.

Earlier Callum had challenged Rafe to a 1v1 due to the fact that Rafe was certain he’d win after Cal’s performance against Topper that morning; Callum getting all worked up and confident as he’d never seen Rafe even touch the game before.

“Prick..” He mumbles, joining Rafe against the back of the couch.

“Fucking Bull..” A voice loudens coming closer.

The boys both look up to notice their other counterpart, Topper, walking into the room. A frown taking Rafe’s face. “Sarah got bored of you?” Callum snorts at his question earning him a dirty stare from Topper.

“No. She’s out with her friends.”

“Then why the long face for?” Callum snickers, Rafe hitting his arm to get him to stop.

“What’s up?” He frowns, seeing genuine upset in Toppers face as he can’t look at the two of them.

Topper scoffs at his thoughts, shaking his head as he rubs a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Guess what I found out today.” He sighs through his words.

“What did you find out today Topper? Enlighten us!” Rafe speaks calmly, surprisingly.

“Being friends with a girl, especially when she’s Bella Brooks, has taught me how to deal with shit like that! She gets upset over the smallest things, gets overwhelmed easily, things like that you know. The way I had to help her and comfort her, I kinda use that with the guys too. I mean it’s very rare, none of us ever get upset unless it’s some girl shit Toppers whining about. But she told me that even if you’re joking about shit like that it probably means it’s hurting more so just be nice. I guess it does kinda work but don’t tell her that. If she finds out I’ve actually taken her advice and been nice to someone other than her she’s never gonna let it go.”

“My girlfriend,” He looks up at Rafe, his eyes darken, “Your sister! Has been talking to the Pogue down on the south side. Don’t know when, don’t know how, but a message on her phone came up while she was using the bathroom!”

“Which one??” Rafes brows drop together, his tone more serious now.

“Uh John B!”

“Shit!!” Rafe yells as he pushes himself off the couch, picking up his phone from the table and walking away to the front door without a second thought.

“Woah where you going??”

“Got a date or something?” The boys both look at one another and laugh before stopping at the sound of Rafe sighing.

“Bella’s with that asshole today ain’t she! Gonna go check on her be right back.” He scratched his head, running out the door before hopping on his bike and riding off to where the cameras could no longer see.

"What's all the noise?" Rose struts into the living room, glass of champagne in hand. She glares at the two boys on the couch.

"Uh yep we're going!" Callum drops the controller.

"Sorry ma'am!!" Kelce gets up hastily, avoiding eye contact.

They mumble as they run out the front door, avoiding any slight conversation with her.

"Those kids have issues.." She rolls her eyes, going out to the boat.

The three of them sat on Ward's boat, sharing a cooler full of ready-made sandwiches and packets of chips. Cans of coca-cola and beer spread beneath. The temperature only grew warmer as the day went on, the skies clear and wind come to a halt, the water still.

The cameramen left them to it for a while, enjoying their own lunch whilst a camera sat on the boat, picking up the footage for them.

"So Bella after this we'll go home and sort out the housing okay?" Ward spits out between bites of his sandwich.

Bella only nods, mouth full of food. John B turns to her, a frown pulling at his brows, "You still gotta pay for that shit? I thought you said Callum agreed to moving in?"

She laughs as she tries clearing her throat, covering her mouth as she spoke, "Nah he was drunk, apparently when he's drunk it's like he's in Vegas. Anything goes and nothing will change. It's his stupid rule but it's the most idiotic thing i've ever heard. So according to him, nope. And we never will!" Bella shrugs, an obvious look of disappointment taking her face but was quickly covered by a forced smile.

"I have tried reasoning with him John, but with a boy like him you'll never get through to him. His mind is set and nothings changing it unfortunately. I even mentioned just taking in Bella again and he flipped."

"What he hurt you??"

"Almost..” Bella sighs at the thought, “It's why I agreed to just drop the idea as a whole. I don't care as long as he's okay and no ones hurt you know.." She smiles lightly, keeping her eyes down as John B watches with slight concern in his eyes.

"Well she's got work tomorrow haven't you? And Rafe's gonna check up on her throughout the day. Keep Cal at bay I suppose." He chuckles, easing the moment slightly as he takes a sip of his beer.

"Thats good.." John B replies calmly, the air becoming tense and the awkwardness growing.

Bella looks up and notices the two glance at one another, wanting to move the conversation on quickly, "So who's episode is it tomorrow?"

"Uhh.. Pretty sure they said it was Sarah's. Rafe's is the one after I'm sure of that! He keeps saying how he's sticking with you all day."

She snorts, choking on her food, "Emotional support type thing."

"Exactly that!" Ward laughs, the previous conversation long gone as the air once again filled with joy.

"Shit.." John B mutters, frowning down at his can as he swirled the liquid around the metal.

Bella looks up, her clear motherly instincts kicking in as the upset reaches her eyes quickly, "Whats wrong??"

"Nah! Nothing just, kinda forgot about the camera's!" He laughs, her body relaxing as her shoulders release and eyes soften, "Are we meant to of like, entertained or something?"

Ward laughs at the concerned tone in John B's voice, enjoying the thought for the show despite his lack of cooperation. "No thats the point of the show! If they want you to talk about something or explain something they usually do it later on, let you do your thing first. It wouldn't be a reality show otherwise. It'd be a.." He takes a moment, the kids waiting patiently for him to think of a punchline, looking back at one another with a smirk, "A.. Fake-ality show!"

The kids snicker, the obvious seriousness and proudness to his words making the sentence 10x funnier. He starts laughing, nodding over his embarrassment as the realisation sinks in, "Couldve been better huh.." Bella and John B nod before the hold on their laughs break, letting out these loud cackles as they hold themselves back from falling over; Silence hitting when the laughs hit so deep, arms swinging around holding stomachs.

Ward stops laughing and watches, his lips tucked, admitting defeat. "I don't think it was that bad.."

“What do you two think about Ward? About the Camerons? You both seem to be quite close with them!”

The two of them take a moment to think, brows furrowed as the glance at one another. Bella lifts her eyes to Ryan, a small smile tugging at her lips, “The Cameron’s are literal lifesavers. They’re practically my adopted family so they mean everything to me!” She giggles, a shrug assisting her words. “He’s always been there for me and they do treat me like family so I have nothing to complain about!” Her smile softens, another shrug following before turning to John B to hear his opinion.

“Well I mean they’ve really helped me out money wise! Without them I’d be living on the streets. So if anything I owe them a lifetime! I couldn’t tell you how grateful I am for Ward if I’m being honest.” He smiles to Bella, them both nodding, content with their answers as they look back up at the camera.

"You know JJ’s actually not shut up about you since you last came over." John B stretches out on the boat chair, legs spread as he leans his head back to enjoy the sun.

Ward occupies himself, looking out over the water with a grin, enjoying the view and the company.

Bella sighs, nodding as she leans her head against John B's shoulder, tucking her legs up to her chest. "I'm not surprised.. but I told him to come see me at work!"

"You think he'd survive that Bells? Rafe would kill him." He laughs looking down at her as his fingers graze the little patch of skin between her skirt and top. His words caused Bella to look up, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"Okay yeah true.. Well no! He's been really good with JJ recently actually. It's Callum who'd have a problem with it but I can usually calm him down." She shrugs, resting her head back to its previous position.

John B watches a moment, rolling his eyes with a smirk, "Yeah sure."

"What??" She looks up; clearly picked up on the smile that accompanied his comment.

"Nothing just.. you don't see it do you?"

"See what exactly?" She frowns, hand pushing at his chest to lift herself up slightly.

"Nah just.. in what universe would Rafe willingly be nice to JJ?"

"Well I asked him to?" She tilts her head, not picking up on the hints.

He shakes his head, not wanting to point out what he's thinking as he doesn't want to ruin anything, "Nah sorry nevermind!" Bella's brows furrow, her mouth agape as she tries to read his mind.

"Ward are you ready?" The camera crew walk back onto the boat and take Ward inside, distracting Bella and John B away from the conversation.

The camera crew let them finish before joining them back on the boat, Ward sat with them inside whilst John B and Bella enjoyed the sun outside. Bella sat on one of the chairs, her legs up on the glass table as John B rested his head against her lap, his hair splayed out and hands behind his head. She fiddled with his loose strands whilst he kept his eyes up on hers, deep in conversation with one another.

“They are a funny coupling. I think it’s sweet though. How close they are just from heaving fish around.” He laughs, “But she’s like that with everyone and I find it very relieving, knowing her struggle with friends in the past. With Sarah.” His hand finds the back of his head, scratching an itch caused by the heat from the sun.

“I mean she’s practically the islands mum. Looks after my children, the Pogues, everyone really! Even me sometimes,” he chuckles, almost sounding surprised by his own words. “She’s good like that yeah..”

He smiles softly, looking back to watch her talk to John B for a moment.

“You really do see her like your own don’t you!” Ryan states, watching him.

“I mean how couldn’t I. Shes so special to me. I wouldn’t have had it any other way; raising her and all that. And I sure as hell know Rafe and the other boys wouldn’t either. They all see her how I do, with just pure happiness, relief in a way. She calms us all: Me, Rafe, John B, JJ. Everyone who’s close enough with her. It’s something no words could describe. We all just have so much love for her. It’s why I dont understand how people like Rose can’t try to like her. Why she accepts my children and not her. Bella was living with us at the time, she just doesn’t like her. She even likes Callum! That must say something atleast..” Ward spoke, his eyes fixated on the pairing outside, never shifting. A smile held perfectly still on his lips through every word.

“Ward?”

“Hm?” He turns back around, as if nothing had happened.

“Can we get onto the topic now?”

“Yes sorry!” He clears his throat, straightening himself up as he readjusts his watch on his wrist, pulling down his collar to flatten it.

“You know Sarah?” John B raises his brows, watching Bella’s expressions contort.

“Hm..” Bella frowns, tilting her head as she bites her lip, taking a moment, “I don’t think I do no..” She shakes her head, holding back a small smile.

John B gives her a stare causing her to laugh as she shrugs, “Sorry yeah sure.”

“I uh.. I’ve been talking to her actually!”

Bella’s eyebrows furrow, eyes widening as her mouth falls open, “What..” She pauses processing what he’s saying, “I- She.. She’s with Topper, John B!” She states informatively, making sure he understands the situation like she does.

“Yeah I know that! But he’s a dick Bells. She deserves better than that.”

“You don’t know the other half of it. He loves her John B, and even if he was a ‘dick’, condoning cheating is still not okay?”

“I’m not? I’m just saying that if she ever did end things with her, I’d.. you know.. I..”

“Do you have a little crush John B..??” She teases, poking his face all over until he has enough and pushes her off, making her giggle at his antics. “Aww there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s cuuuuute.” She sings the last word, a big grin on her face as she watches his expressions change because of her words.

“Shut up, you like Rafe..” He closes his eyes, arms crossed over his chest like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Her eyebrows dip, her lips quivering trying to hold back a laugh but failing, “Okay? But I don’t?” She snorts at the pure lie that left his mouth knowing how he’s trying to switch the subject around onto her.

“Mm.. guess we both have things we don’t wanna admit huh..”

She sighs, a breathy laugh accompanying; slapping his bare stomach from where his shirt lifted up, pulling a groan from his throat, “Shut up!”

Bzzz

“Was that you or me?” John B lifted his head slightly, looking around for any sight of a phone.

“I think it was me!” She lifts her bum to pull the phone from under her thigh. The boy watches her face frown as she reads the name and the message.

“Who is it? Cal?”

She shakes her head, moving her phone slightly to see his face, “Rafe..”

His eyes widen and fall again, the mention of Rafe’s name following a frown is the rarest of rare for Bella. He couldn’t comprehend the issue.

“She never mentioned they had issues. We were joking about him seconds before I didn’t understand. Its Rafe. And Bella. Like there’s never been a problem there.” He speaks with a constant dip in his brow, still confused even after knowing the truth.

“So Ward you help out? Does that mean you don’t get paid?”

“No of course we don’t! We volunteer. Thats the whole point is to not get paid. It’d be stupid to volunteer and expect something back!” He laughs at Ryan like his question was stupid, a big grin sat across his face.

“Right..” Ryan laughs awkwardly, feeling slightly idiotic. “So all you do is fill and carry crates?”

“Well no.. I mean it depends on so much! The weather, the day, the jobs available etcetera. Today Heyward had his son transport the necessary goods, and there was a lack of help in fish duty! So we helped out.”

“Oh okay. So what else do you do? Could you explain that for us?”

“Yes of course. A lot of the time we bring our boat down and do peoples food deliveries, and sometimes end up doing some more chores for those houses too like mowing the lawn. Other times like today when those jobs are already being done, we can fish, fill and move crates, or anything in that area. Sometimes we work at the store fronts, so we can sell boards, hooks, rods and stuff like that! It all depends on what’s free and what is needed that day!”

Bella had sent in a screenshot of the messages to put into the episode, we will show them to you in the next few minutes.

Bella shows John B the message, the tone coming from him very different to the usual Rafe Bella deals with. Evident by the previous texts seen in the screenshots.

He can’t help but scoff at the sentence, “Does he mean me?”

She shrugs, a sigh leaving her mouth as her brows knit together, “I’d say JJ, but.. why would he even care? I don’t.. I..”

John B takes the phone, typing something out so she would stop panicking. “There! Just gotta ask.” He hands it back to her, watching her squeeze the phone in her palm as she awaited Rafe’s response.

When a second buzz rings out, she takes a moment to read the message before her head jerks up, eyes scanning the area as her brows fall closer together. John B lifts himself to look over her hand at her phone, reading off the message before joining her in the search.

Ignore the time stamps ^

He lifts himself from her lap, cautious of both of their own wellbeing’s if he really did see.

She sighs again, leaning back on her chair, “Whatever, he’s probably just messing with us.”

“It’s not that I was scared of him- God no! I’d never be scared of Rafe that’s one thing I’m sure of! But it’s that I’m scared of what he can do. What I know Cal will do if he tells him I had a ‘Pogue’ laying on my thighs. Not to me. But to anyone else in the vicinity, aka JJ or John B depending on where and when. He’d never hurt me, never! But I know what he’s capable of.. and it’s not something I like to get myself involved in.”

“What exactly do you mean by that? Could you-”

“I mentioned it in the last episode, well.. yesterday! I don’t need to talk about it again. I don’t want to. I’m done.” She smiles before finding her way back to Ward.

“Bella!” John B exclaims, turning to the side of the boat. Before Bella could comprehend John B had fallen back into the boat.

“Woah woah woah hey hey Rafe stop!! What’re you doing??” She jumps up, holding her hand out to kind of ease him away.

Rafe doesn’t listen, stepping closer, his eyes not leaving John B as he stands up, “I hear your speaking to my sister and now your trying to steal my girl too is that it??”

John B chokes through a laugh, “Your girl?? She isn’t your girl Rafe cmon. No one would wanna be your girl!”

Rafe lunges himself forward, fist raised; Bella steps in the way, causing Rafe to pull back immediately, eyes wide as he realises he almost hit her. She pushes her palm to his chest, urging him to step back.

He watches her face contort into a mix of anger and upset, “Rafe, what the hell is wrong with you? He’s not talking to Sarah and we’re just friends okay? Calm down.” Her voice was soft but anyone could’ve picked up how irritated she was from the wobble in her words.

Those words, from her, ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ caused tears to well in his eyes. The one person he holds dearest to himself, sees the bad in him. The one thing he’s tried to keep from her since the day his father told him to look after her.

Ward steps out, holding the door with a hand as he frowns, “Rafe we’re trying to film here? Could you..” Ward gestures for him to leave waving his hand at him, Rafe scoffs but obliges, turning away with a nod of agreement.

John B took a sigh of relief as he falls into the seat beside him, taking a breath. Bella watches Rafe walk away, his previous expression held in her mind. Her eyes fall as they begin to glisten; she bites her lip, holding back but not for long.

“Hey Rafe wait! Please!” She jogs over, avoiding the small puddles of water that could make her slip if she wasn’t careful.

She catches up to him and quickly pulls him into a hug, resting his head onto her shoulder. She takes a moment to just hold him, the heat making it hard but she didn’t care. His arms hesitate but soon wrap around her, pulling her in tightly. The action caused her to suck in a breath, realising how needed this hug was for him.

Rafe watches Ryan, his eyes tired and bothered. He stands there, no words leaving his mouth before he frowns, walking away and flipping the camera off on the way.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you but..” Bella lifts his head, her hands rested against his cheeks as she takes his eyes in hers, “But I’m fine okay? You don’t have to worry about me.” She assures him, her eyes deep in his trying to get him to understand. She rubs her thumbs against his skin as he leans into her touch.

He catches a camera in the corner of his eyes and lifts his head out of her grasp, causing a slight dip in her brow, “Do you like him more than me?” He spits out without realising, his eyes widen at the realisation.

Bella steps back, brows furrowed and mouth agape; like he just stabbed her in the heart. “Why would I- What.. Why would I like him more than you Rafe?” She whines, confused why he’d ever assume that.

He shrugs ignoring her obvious upset by his own question, “Nah just.. you know, making sure. You’re my best friend, you remember that?”

She shakes her head, raising an eyebrow through disbelief, “Is that what this is all about?” He watches her, feeling ashamed he even brought up the question. “Rafe you are MY best friend! No one else!! Nothing’s gonna ever change that okay? But I’m allowed other friends too.. I promise there’s nothing between us okay we were just having a chat. It wasn’t anything special!”

He nods along, believing her every word of course but still not liking it. The thought of her liking someone other than him cutting deep into his mind, feeling like an effort to rid of him. He taps her hand with his, grazing her fingers in his own, “See you round.”

She looks down at his hand, a frown taking over her face once again. Looking back up at him, “No love you or anything? Thought I was your girl asshole!”

He chokes out in a laugh, smirking as he rolls his eyes, a slight blush taking his cheeks, “Yeah fine love you Bee.”

She laughs unbelieving, “Good enough I guess.” She jokingly rolls her eyes, “Love you too idiot.” She places a kiss to his cheek before running back to the boat.

He stands there a moment, smiling to himself before his hand finds his hair, pushing it out of his face. He looks over at the camera, pointing a finger at it, “Better fucking cut that shit out.. you won’t wanna know what happens if you don’t.”

"What the hell was all of that about??" Ward spits, glancing at the two kids infront of him.

They both fall silent, John B looking up at Bella who stood guiltily, hands behind her back.

Ward follows his gaze, taking Bella's eyes in his own as he raises a brow, "What's Rafe's deal?Does he not realise we won't have a show if he's crashing it?"

His words cause a wince on Bella's face, her eyes widen and mouth fallen open, "He was just asking a question." Her voice was quiet and soft.

"He was shouting at you!" Ward yells, throwing a hand towards where Rafe was.

She stares at him, realising trying to defend Rafe isn't going to work. Her mouth sits open as she watches him look between them. He shrugs at John B, "Wasn't he?"

"Yeah.. it was my fault sir I-"

"No it wasn't please don't take the blame!" She pleads, shaking her hand at him before stepping closer to Ward. "It was my fault!! I swear, he was upset and I made it worse I didn't mean to-"

"I don't have time for this. Make sure he doesn't come back here! I'll speak to him later, he can't be speaking to you like that." He frowns, pulling Bella into his chest tightly.

"I'm going to finish the interview then we'll go home okay?" Bella merely nods, stepping back; placing herself next to John B.

“Sorry about that!” Ward sits back down, his smile still stuck on tightly. “Where were we?”

“Did you not think to invite Rafe onto the boat?”

Ward laughs, eyebrows furrowed as he looks for the punchline in Ryan’s eyes. When he realised there isn’t one his eye twitches slightly, “Rafe? You think he’d want to spend his time with all the fish? I’m sure he was just trying to cause some sort of trouble! Boys right.” He chuckles rolling his eyes, pushing the conversation away with it.

“But anyways-“

“The kids have all mentioned how you clearly favour certain people over the rest. I’m assuming Rafe isn’t one of them?”

Wards eyes widen, his brows pushing down against them as a lump begins to form in his throat, “Why the hell would I dislike my own son for? Where’s this come from? Who said that?”

“All of them really. I only brought it up because you seem to heavily favour-”

“I won’t stand for this type of nonsense Ryan! On a show, about my own family, my own children!! And you’re accusing me of picking favourites?? They are all my kids and I love them all equally with every piece of me! So do not, and I mean do not EVER tell me what I’m doing is wrong or how I’m raising my children is wrong! Do your job and stay out of it. This is ridiculous!” He doesn’t even look in Ryan’s direction as he pulls himself from the chair and rips open the glass door that divided the outside from the inside; followed by a breathy grunt.

Ward reached for Bella’s wrist, yanking her up off the chair, “Ow Ward you’re hurting me..!” She whines, looking back at John B for assurance but he didn’t have time to help as Ward had already dragged her off the boat.

“Sorry honey but we’re getting out of here! Away from that silly man.”

“Why? Did something happen?” She stops, watching Ward gently rub his thumb to her wrist where a small red mark was left behind; his brows dipping at the sight.

“Ward? Did he say something to you?”

Her words caught his attention, his eyes springing to hers as a quick shake to his head was enough for her to understand. “He just needs to learn that just because we’re on a show, it doesn’t mean he can make shit up to make it interesting.”

“What did he say?” She frowns, concern coating her face as she tilts her head slightly.

“Don’t worry about it sweetheart let’s just get home and sort this house out shall we?” He lifts his arm, his elbow touching her own as he plants a smile to his lips, reassuring her that it’s okay.

She looks back to where John B was packing away; catching a glimpse of her, he waves a ‘goodbye’ as she does too. Hesitantly, she takes Wards arm in her own, he guides her back down to the car where they take a silent but peaceful and well deserved drive home.

“Yeah I’d say Wards like a dad to me! I mean I barely knew mine so he’s the closest I’ll get to one. So yeah I’d say so! He helps out a lot with literally anything and everything. It’s why I offer to do jobs and stuff with him when I can because it’s like payback in a way you know.” She giggles, her smile warm and eyes soft.

It was now around 4:30. It had been a long, hot, stressful day and the two of them were ready to go back home and just relax. The sun had already begun to drop, as the wind had picked back up; cooling the once humid air.

The two of them reach the estate, getting out the car and heading inside.

Walking back into the house, Ward stops Bella at the entrance, turning her body so she'd face him. He rested his hands on her shoulders, "I want to apologise for earlier.. I wasn't mad at you. Rafe was getting me worried about the show.."

She shakes her head, taking Wards hands from her shoulders and holding them tightly, "It's okay I know.. it's just.. he didn't do anything wrong?"

"It might not seem like it honey, but when it's constant disobedience it just gets too much and slightly upsetting. I gave him specific rules before starting the show, and so far? He's broken two of them!"

"Rules? What rules?" Bella frowns, tilting her head as she lets go of his hands, placing them by her side.

"There's three! 'Don't start pointless arguments, 'Behave and save the attitude for his room, and three, 'Don't say things that aren't about himself.' The shows about everyone yes, but talking bad about the other people on the show isn't what I wanted it for. I'm glad he hasn't broken it yet but I'm not counting on the thought that he won't."

"But telling the truth is better for the show is it not? You want the show to be a real depiction of your life! Telling Rafe to behave and not be rude is like telling him to not be himself!" Her tone was serious but her words only caused a chuckle from Wards lips.

"I don't think you want him hearing that."

She snorts realising what she said before shrugging it off, "I mean I said to tell the truth!" She giggles.

Ward smirks, taking her hand again, "Come on, he's not following them anyways so l guess you don't have much to worry about."

Hand in hand, Ward pulls Bella through to his office. "Take a seat sweetheart." He gestures his hand to the seat opposite his desk as he places himself in his chair.

Bella sits, crossing her legs on the chair but making sure to pull at the hem of her skirt to cover everything necessary. Ward pulls out some documents from a drawer in his desk, tapping them against the table.

He looks up at the camera beside them that was placed by the window in the corner of the office, "Basically, every month me and Bella add up every dollar she's made over the four weeks, take off anything that 'goes missing' aka Callum has taken for God knows what, work out the average time she's spent actually in the house, and thats how we work out how much she pays for her half of the rent money. It seems confusing-"

"It is confusing! It's why I let you do it and I just sit here." Bella laughs awkwardly, a small wobble in her words causing Ward to chuckle lightly.

"Right yes. I do all of that and her job is to send the money over." They both laugh, Bella's cheeks reddening; Ward fiddles with the paper in his hand. "Because she stays here most of the time but also takes all the responsibilities for her and Callum, I don't feel as though it’s very fair for her to pay the whole chunk, so we work it out to down to the time"

Bella nods, a half smile pulling at her lip, "See, confusing!" She looks into the camera, her complexion blank at the effort of processing Wards explanation.

Knock Knock

The sound made Bella’s body jolt as they both turn to the door to the office, their faces lifting again once they see the familiar face walk in, "Wheezie!" Bella exclaims joyfully, swinging her arms out to gesture a hug. Wheezie skips over with a quiet 'hi" to Ward, falling effortlessy into Bella's arms, slowly making her way onto her lap.

"Everything okay? We sort of have a thing Wheezie." Wards tone stiffened, more forced now. She seemed to shrug it off, not as bothered as Bella clearly was, a sign that Wheezie was most likely used to this behaviour.

"She doesnt seem to care but everyone sees it! He's sooo different with everyone. It's actually crazy and it makes me feel really bad. He's so nice with me but when he starts randomly bursting out on Rafe or getting irritated by Wheezie that's when it really bothers me. Its either be nice to everyone or don't bother because thats horrible you know! its mostly when Rafe's trying to talk to me about something Wards said or done to him but then brings up how id never understand because hes so different with me. It physically hurts because ive seen it, i know it happens, yet everyone holds this grudge against me because i get it easy: its not my fault, its not like i want him to be this nice with me i never asked him to be. I dont get why i get the hate?"

"Just, Sarah seems upset and Rose is in a mood again, and I'm just concerned about Rafe because he's not here right now and-"

"Hey hey shh." Ward stands up, crouching down infront of the girls and taking Wheezie's hands in his own. "Slow down, what's going on with Sarah?"

She shrugs, a sniffle escaping her nose as she pushes at the bridge of her glasses, "I don't know! I mean I think it might be to do with Topper? Because he seemed mad earlier and Rafe was on about some Pogue she was with or something? And Rose is just mad because of the cameras and also all of us were apparently annoying her and she was getting really stressed I think? I don't know! But I can't deal with it on my own, what do I do?"

Ward looks up at Bella who gives him a reassuring nod, accompanied by a soft smile. He looks back at Wheezie as he stands up, tugging at her hand to pull her from Bella's lap,

"Come on, you go upstairs I'll deal with them okay? Where are they?" He tilts his head down to her level.

Her eyes wander as she tries to think under pressure, "Uhm.. I think.. I know Sarah's on the boat! Rose is in the kitchen I think but I don't think Rafe's in the house?"

"What do you mean you don't think he's in the house where did he go?"

Her face contorts, her shoulders shrugging as she throws her hands up in the air, "I have no idea! Last I was told, he went to go see Bella. But he's not with her so l'm not sure. Sorry." Her eyes fall, Wards hand finds her chin as he guides her face to look at him.

"I’ll find him okay! You go relax, I'll talk to them."

She nods and mutters a quiet 'thank you' before skipping out the office and up the stairs.

Ward lets out a deep breath, his hand running over his face as his brows knit together. He sits himself back down on the black leather seat.

"I thought-?" Bella points to the door, confusion clearly masking her face.

"I'll sort it later. Let's just get this done please!" He sounded irritated, pissed off even. Nothing had happened yet he seemed to switch like that.

"How'd it go bro?" Kelce passes Rafe a beer as they walk over the grass to Tanny Hill.

"Don't ask.." Rafe spits, rolling his eyes as he takes a big mouthful, finishing the drink in one.

"Woah slow down man!" Callum catches up, snatching the can from his grasp but it was too late. "Whats up? John B talking up my sister too?"

He groans, running a hand through his strands as he opens the door, "What do you think?"

"She still at the dock? Forgot she was working today."

"No idea. Don't really care." He shrugs, helping himself to another beer from the refrigerator on the way through the kitchen.

"Dude watch your mouth that's my sister you're talking about! Thought you were all obsessed with her or some shit?" Callum grimaces at his own words but also very serious about his question.

"Gross man. I ain't obsessed with her bro!" Rafe spits as if Callum's words were absurd. "I gotta take care of her a'ight? What my old man told me to do."

"So you're using her?"

"Just shut up Cal!! You know that's not what I meant. Why do you care anyways? You hate her!"

Callum's head swings round, gripping Rafes collar in an instant, "Say that shit again and your dead you understand me??"

"Get the fuck off me Callum.." He stares at him, holding his ground whilst also slowly trying to wriggle out of Callum's grasp.

His grip loosens when he hears Bella's voice through the door behind them; he turns around, forgetting about his hold on Rafe.

"Guess she's in there!" Rafe shrugs, brushing himself off; earning him a glare from Callum.

"Where were we?" He searches through the papers on the desk. Bella watches intently, her eyes full of concern as her eyebrows form a v shape. She doesn't say anything however, just watches him.

"Okay so you've earned a total of-" A loud bang and a mass of voices erupts through the halls, made out through the crack in the door. Wards face meets his palms as he groans. The noises in the other room only growing louder causing Wards expressions to deepen.

He lifts his head, looking back down at the papers, "A total of-" He's cut off once again by the door creaking open slowly, the sounds coming to a halt. He bites the inside of his cheek as he chuckles away the clear pain this situation is causing him.

Despite opening the door, a small knock is still made out before three figures walk into the room. "May we help you?" Ward spat, his eyes piercing into each of their own.

"There you are Bells!" Her eyes widen at the familiar voice, her back raising as a shiver takes over her body; hesitating before turning to become face to face with her brother. "You been with Ward all day?"

"Yeah!" She frowns, confused about his calm tone.

Callum nods a second, biting his lip as his eyes squint. He gives Bella his hand, squeezing his fingers to his palm and letting go again to gesture for her to take it. "Come!"

"Cal l'm-" She points at Ward and the papers, Callum's face dropping with pure uninterest.

"We're in the middle of something Callum she can speak with you soon!"

He frowns at Ward, quickly turning back to Bella, trying again with his hand. "Well we're going out. Your coming. I haven't seen you all day!"

"Callum!" Wards hand meets the desk with a hard smack, he takes a deep breath, "Callum, just let us finish and she'll-"

"I wasn't talking to you was I? Old man." He heaves, rolling his eyes; not even fazed by the raise in his voice, unlike Bella who looks too terrified to move.

"Cal..??" She whisper-shouts, her brows furrowing at his antics, shaking her head as if to get him to stop.

He ignores her, nodding his head to the door, "Bella let's go." His eyebrows raise, face more serious now as his tone had hardened. His jaw clenched.

The two remaining boys at the door, Rafe and Kelce, both give each other a look of concern, a small word passed between them followed by a shake of Kelce's head before looking back at the event.

Bella looks up at Ward, her eyes full of plea. He merely watches her, his face blank as if he'd switched off part way into the conversation. Her focus follows back to the camera before blinking and nodding lightly, lifting herself from the chair and placing her hand into Callum's.

He guides her to the exit, following the others outside; she pulls herself back into the doorway, giving Ward a small smile, “I’ll send you half!”

“No no don’t worry, we’ll sort it tomorrow!” His eyes widen as he pushes himself up. She nods but didn’t quite catch what he said as Callum had dragged her away from the room.

“Would you say you like the Camerons? We haven’t had the chance to speak yet!”

Callum’s face drops, his brows tighten as his expression tenses; scoffing at Ryan’s words, “No why would I?? They think they can control me like I’m their kid or something. But I’m not! And neither is Bella so I don’t know why he’s treating her like she is. She’s MY sister. Not Rafes, not Wheezie’s. Mine!! He doesn’t need to get involved in all her shit, that’s my job now! And it has been for 16 years!” He spits aggressively, shoving past Ryan almost pushing him to the floor.

Ward finds himself in the living room, “Rafe? Let me speak to you!” He calls him over from the couch, leading him into the kitchen.

“What’s wrong?” He frowns, “We’re leaving in like ten minutes!”

“Watch your attitude I just want to talk.”

Rafe roles his eyes, sitting himself on one of the stools beside the island.

“Wheezie mentioned you and Topper were involved in something earlier. To do with Sarah and a Pogue?”

“Of course she did..” He curses under his breath, his hand finding his hair, “Yeah what about it?” He slams his hand on the marble.

“I want to know what happened. I mean you stormed our boat earlier.”

“Yeah OUR boat? I was checking on Bella what’s the problem?”

“The problem is you were arguing with her. I was trying to film for the show and you come and start something. Do you not want to act normal for two seconds when the cameras are on you? Are you incapable of that or something Rafe?” He waits for a response but Rafe simply just stares at him, speechless at his sudden switch in attitude since this morning. “Hello? Rafe I’m speaking to you! What is wrong with you?”

The words hit Rafe like a brick, causing a sudden tense in his muscles as he stands up, the force throwing the stool to the ground. “I was making sure she’s okay?? And your-“

“Why wouldn’t she be??”

“And you’re making it out like it’s a bad thing!! Im sorry I give a fuck about someone for once! I’m sorry I’m ACTUALLY doing something you asked for once! But you know MY bad for actually doing what I’m told. Jesus yeah what the hell’s wrong with me??” He smacks Wards water bottle out his hand, covering the counter and his lap in liquid as he leaves.

“We’re not done Rafe!!!” Ward yells through the room, Rafe flipping him off on his way out.

He cleans himself up before going upstairs to find Sarah.

“Hello honey..” Ward slowly opens the door to Sarah’s room, keeping his tone calm because Wheezie mentioned her feeling upset.

“Hi daddy.” She smiles, placing her colouring book on her bed as she gives him her full attention.

He sits himself infront of her on the edge of her bed, placing his hand against her leg; stroking his thumb against her skin ever so slightly. “Are you okay sweetheart?”

She frowns, tilting her head slightly, “Yeah of course. Why?”

He nods lightly, “Just because Wheezie was worried about you! Said something about Topper?”

Her eyes widen and fall as her fingers find a pencil to fiddle with, “Um.. yeah no everything’s fine. He just seemed mad earlier and left me while we were out.”

“What do you mean he left you? Alone?”

She nods, not looking back up at him as his tone shifts only slightly, “Was he mad at you?” He emphasises the ‘you’ as his face tenses.

“I’m not sure. I don’t know what I did! I just went to the bathroom then when I came back he shouted at me and left? So I went to see Layla.” She looks back up at him, her eyes glassing over.

Wards brows furrow; he pulls Sarah into his chest, his hand stroking the back of her head as he places a kiss to the top of it. “I’m so sorry Sare Bear.. I’ll speak to him okay..” He rests his head against hers.

She shakes her head ‘no’ as she lifts herself from his hold, “No it’s okay.” She wipes her nose with her sleeve before tucking her hands into them, “He’ll be fine tomorrow!” She reassures.

“Okay honey..” He strokes the side of her head, his thumb rubbing against her cheek, pulling her head closer to give her another kiss to her forehead. “I love you..”

“Love you too dad..” She smiles softly, picking up her colouring book again. He nods as he leaves to the door, turning back once more to blow a kiss before shutting it behind him.

“That boy is pissing me off..” He mutters to himself as he walks past one of the cameras to go back downstairs; head in his hands.

"Hey Rafe?" Bella runs over, catching up outside the gate, her hand slipping into his.

He doesn't fight it but also doesnt reciprocate, not turning his head to look at her, "Mhm?"

She hesitates at his lack of touch, "Hey look I'm sorry about earlier!" The other boys turn back to watch as they kept walking, looking at one another with a slight snicker.

He looks up at the boys, looking back down at his and Bella’s hands before pulling away, "Yeah look it's fine a'ight? You already said sorry."

Again, he didn't look at her once, meaning he didn't notice the way she very obviously noticed his intent behind his hand pulling away as her eyes began to tear up. Holding back a whimper she takes a deep breath, "I mean.. You could've stayed? W- we weren't doing anything." She looks up at him with her forced doe eyes, hoping for atleast a small reaction.

He shrugs, "Yeah well you looked busy with that Pogue so.. didn't wanna bother you." His eyes squint as he scratches the back of his head; a small 'tut' falling from his lips.

Her eyes widen, a frown forcing onto her brows as a tear falls down her flustered cheeks, "I.. I told you that it didn't m- mean anything?" She choked through her tears, causing a slight eye twitch from Rafe as he fights back from looking at her.

"Look Bells I-“

Callum interrupts, turning back and grabbing Bella's arm, "What he means, Bella, is that us Kooks don't hang around those Pogues a'ight? Don't listen to Rafe, he's being a prick." He spits at Rafe, giving him a dirty glare as he wraps an arm round Bella and pulls her infront to walk with him instead.

Turning back, Callum's brows furrow at Rafe, a small 'what's your fucking problem' falling from his lips silently. Rafe feels himself tense; his fist scrunching as his face contorts into a mix of anger and upset. He hits himself in the head, "Stop it.. Stop it." He scolds himself, blinking back the evident tears that glassed his eyes.

We did end up asking Rafe about the situation but it didn't end the way we wanted so for his sake we can't show the footage, we’re truly sorry but it’s confidential.

The lights were out, the room lit by only the few yellow flames surrounding the couple. The moonlight through the glass doors, filled the room with a slight warm glow. The small table was covered in plates of salmon and glasses of red wine ontop a white tablecloth.

The two enjoyed the meal, watching the stars whilst midway in a deep conversation about one another. Eyes never left the others, hand in hand, admiring every little detail they had missed about each other in the time they had away.

They join eachother on the couch afterwards, putting on a romantic movie about a pianist and an actress. Bodies glued to the other, heads rested together.

"It's been a long day Rose.. those kids are way too much sometimes.." Ward mumbles as he rests his head against Rose's shoulder.

She lifts her hand to gently caress his cheek, placing a light kiss to the top of his head, "I know baby.. thats why I mentioned finding somewhere else for Rafe to stay.. It's one less person to have to worry about after a busy day.." She leans her head against his as he pulls her hand into his own, his fingers tangling between hers.

"We can't kick him out Rose.. not because im tired sometimes.. Its just difficult with so many things and so many people. I almost snapped at Wheezie earlier.."

"Is it getting bad again..?"

He nods a 'yes' against her chest, causing her to tut as she takes a long breath, placing yet another kiss to his head, "Just take it easy the next few days okay.. The cameras are probably making everything worse than it is.. You have a few days without them so just make the most of it okay baby.."

Ward sighs, digging himself deeper into her body, her warmth radiating onto him causing his eyes to fall shut, "Mhm.. Okay honey.. take it.. take it easy.. got it.." He yawns, resting himself fully as she hushes him to sleep. One last kiss to his head before she turned down the tv volume and pulled a blanket over the two of them.

"Sleep well honey.." She smiles softly, watching his eyes flutter as a quiet snore begins to release from his throat. "We'll figure it all out at some point.."

Thank you for watching yet another episode of Keeping Up With The Camerons! Today was a hard one, but maybe tomorrow we'll have some more answers surrounding this supposed 'Pogue' drama as we join Sarah for her day in the sun. Stay tuned and keep an eye out for the next one!

Next Episode Here

Follow our Instagram @obx-updates

Do we like Bella? I wanted her to be like y/n except I just can’t write in second person so she’s an OC instead 🤦‍♀️ Please let me know!

Sorry this one took so long I was doubting everything and almost rewrote it all haha

Thank you for reading! See you all for the next oneeee 🩵🦋

Masterlist

Taglist: @viawritesstuff @mymelodylvr @rafeinterlude @cerya @aariahnaa @native2princess @b1mb0slvt

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segredosjogados · 2 years ago

Text

From time

Story: You (y/n) and Richarlison are starting a thing but a message may tear this beginning down. // I didn’t intend to make a part 2 but it got too long. // it involves Drake and Pierre Gasly because 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

+16 / cursing

Ps: I wrote this directly on the Tumblr app!! Not revised at all. English is not my first language. Feedback is appreciated.

🫶🏾✨🫀 welcome to my wicked mind ✳️✏️📯

You were taking a nap with Richarlison when his phone beeped a message. Then two messages. You’re a light sleeper so it bothered you. You reached out to the phone and saw two messages by someone named Juliana. You smoothly placed the phone in front of his face to get his ID and the phone unlocked.

You opened the messages and there she was: a semi nude picture and the “what time you’re arriving tonight?” text. You gulped and felt tears dwell on your eyes but took a deep breath. Richarlison was sleeping heavily because it was a quick nap time after he came back from training.

You got up from the sofa and made your way to the bedroom on the first floor. The tears involuntary started streaming down your face. “I can’t believe he’s still talking to that bitch” you mouthed to yourself while packing your things the way you could and as quick as possible. By the time Richarlison woke up, you were gone.

You managed to book a hotel room for the night before taking the train from London to Paris. It’d be impossible to book a flight and everything was just wrong: you managed to find two days off from work to go to London to spend some quality time with your boyfriend. Ok, you weren’t official, like real official. But everyone knew about you, you had met his friends and even was known by other Tottenham WAGs*.

The thing was you worked with Formula 1 and tried to find peace spaces within the hectic schedule to be with Richarlison, but clearly he didn’t think of you dearly because that message? The semi nude from another chick? All the time he reassured that he was only with you. Come on.

You tried to rationalize the feelings but listening to the saddest love songs back to Paris wasn’t helping. You messaged your friend Pierre Gasly asking if he were in Paris and he said yes immediately. You explained that your “thing” broke your heart, which made Pierre very mad because he knew how hard you fell for Richarlison.

When you arrived at the hotel in Paris, all you could do was crying your heart out while hugging a pillow, letting out all your insecurities on those tears, letting your mind wonder what was wrong.

“I hate my body, I hate my hair, why I’m not perfect like them?” You whined while sobbing. This moment, a message beeped on your phone. It was Pierre.

- Vamo pra revoada* (Let’s party hard) - he wrote. You laughed. Pierre’s journey with learning Portuguese started exactly with carioca funk and it was a funny one to watch. He called you.

“Ay, you good? So, there’s this party tonight and I’m taking you with me. Go beautiful like always” he said. He didn’t even notice your crying voice. But you managed to confirm that you were going.

Time to recover.

You stood up and opened your suitcase. The music on your airpods was cut again by a call. It was Richarlison. You didn’t answer. Only hours later he realized you were gone? Come the fuck on.

Phone on airplane mode and Drake on the speakers now, you started to get ready. You put on a beautiful brown constructed corset that hugged your boobs tightly with your favorite low rise Levi’s jeans and heels with straps around the jeans. You nailed the make up, with a clean girl aesthetics face but with a lot of bronzer, ombré lips and Dior lipgloss. Everything was on point. You looked at yourself in the mirror realizing that it was difficult to hide de eye bags of crying and tiredness. You decided to snap a lot of selfies and a video lip syncing to Jimmy Cooks by Drake. It was a full photoshoot by yourself. The you posted the video of you lip syncing on Tiktok and a carousel of pictures + the video on Instagram with the caption “Honestly, nevermind”.

A few minutes later, Pierre arrived at the hotel. You didn’t realize the many messages Richarlison had sent you. They were spamming your messages app. A lot of missed Whatsapp calls.

“I couldn’t give a shit” you told yourself knowing very well you cared so much about him that it’d take 5 seconds of his voice to go back to him, no matter the excuse he gave you. But you weren’t just ready to be replaced by the woman he swore he was not talking to anymore. The message she had sent came to your mind and then you remembered you were better than this.

You left your room and met Pierre on the hall. He said nothing when he saw you, stunned by your beauty. You two left for the party.

——-

Back in London, when Richarlison woke up, he thought you were in the kitchen preparing some food, like you always did when you were there.

You weren’t in the kitchen. Nor in the bedroom. You were nowhere to be found and your suitcase and all your things weren’t there either.

He ran downstairs to grab his phone and call you. When he unlocked it, the screen was opened exactly on the message he received from Juliana. The semi nude, the text. He gulped. “Y/N saw it for fucking sure”. He didn’t know whether to ask Juliana what the fuck was going on or to call you and know where you were. He did neither. He called his cousin.

“Bro I’m so sure she saw it, like what the fuck” he said on the phone, rubbing his hand back and forth on his scalp.

“Are you sure she saw it? Like, Y/N was supposed to travel back to Paris today cause she’s gotta go back to…” his cousin answered.

“Nah she saw it. The screen was on the message. How did she unlock my phone? She doesn’t have the code tho” Richarlison started to think properly.

“I don’t know, but bro let it go. You weren’t official anyways” his cousin stated. Richarlison scoffed, pretending to not care.

“Yeah, I’ll call you later” then hung up. He laid on his back on the sofa and messaged Juliana. “We need to talk”.

In a matter of minutes, she was in his house. He was wearing his Nike set of sweatpants and hoodie, hands on his pockets and walking around nervously.

“I knew you were longing for me” she said, approaching him and putting her hands on the back of his neck.

“You cannot text me things like that” he coldly stated. She took a step back, confused. “I’ve…” he paused, going around the kitchen counter to be as far from her as possible. “It’s not right, ok? Not for you, not for me. Just let’s move on separately, ok?”

“Why’s that all of sudden? Cause last week you were on my DMs asking if I were in London…” she told with her finger pointed to his face.

“I’ve met someone. I met her two months ago and we’re getting serious. Look, I know it’s my-“ he was saying but was interrupted.

“You texted me last week” she scoffed.

“I’m sorry, Juliana but-“

“Fuck you, for real” she said and left.

Richarlison took a deep breath and opened a bottle of wine. Who cared if the season was about to start and he had to be in great shape? He wanted to forget everything. Then it was time to call you.

He sent a message first. “Where are you? I’m worried.” You didn’t answer. Phone out of reach. He tried whatsapp calls. Nothing came from you. He knew you saw the picture and the message and as far as he knew you, it would be a big deal.

You weren’t like the other girls that came around. They were about sex, instagram stories, shallow dialogues, controlling him to dismiss the others. You came around and showed him places in London he didn’t know. The Italian restaurant of your first date was one of those. You cooked for him too, played FIFA with him even though you were terrible at it, sang pagode, taught him English through pop music, never made him do things “because you’re rich now”, had the same sense of humor, let him be him, cuddled him, listened to him, understood him… all of that in such a short time.

Where were you?

Hours later, his cousin sent him a message.

“Ay that ain’t your lil girl?” And he sent an instagram link of your post.

He saw the pictures one by one then the video. You were sexy, confident, beautiful. The lips of yours he missed on his. Your curvy body and juicy boobs under those clothes. The sassy attitude he loved on the low. One thing he noticed was the unusual amount of likes. Almost 300,000. And a comment by Drake himself.

———

“Drake commented on my fucking post!” You screamed to Pierre. You sent a screenshot to your friend Hannah, who was in Amsterdam, and she video called you right away.

“GIRL!” She screamed on the other side. You were trembling and giggling, your hands sweating and a face in disbelief

Comment: @/champagnepapi: major 🔥👨🏽‍🦯

You couldn’t believe it. Drake noticed you. Suddenly your heartbreak seemed so insignificant. You were that bitch.

Lies.

When you got back to the hotel, you took it all off and started crying again. On your phone, multiple calls from Richarlison laid on your screen. Rubbing your eyes, you felt your phone buzzing again. It was him. You answered it.

“What do you want?” You said, with a raspy voice.

All you heard was Richarlison’s breath on the other side of the phone. And you heard a knock on your hotel door.

To be continued.

#richarlison #pierre gasly #richarlison x reader #richarlison imagines #richarlison smut #richarlison blurb

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tgmsunmontue · 7 months ago

Text

Online & Anonymous 5/16

Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.

Odd year = Bradley's POV and Even year = Jake's POV

>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)

>>Jake chatting (italics)

2005/2006 2007 2008 2009

2010 – Jake

He’s a fully commissioned officer, a naval aviator, junior grade lieutenant. He’s got his wings and he knows he’s good. He can control himself physically and he considers a plane a simple extension of that. He loves flying like nothing else. His first deployment has him practicing night landing and takeoffs, something he can’t say he’s a fan of, but he also manages better than most of his counterparts and it leaves him feeling smug. He’s getting better at flying and he’s already itching to get an invitation to

He hadn’t been convinced about switching to a different messaging app, especially one that required him to buy a new phone. However he has no regrets. The amount of messages he and Nick send back and forth increases, it’s much quicker and convenient. And while he ignores the messages he gets from strangers he definitely enjoys looking at the pictures. He jerks off more than usual but then the novelty wears off.

Nick does not wear off.

If anything Nick seems to get better. He’s definitely using the app to its full purpose, whenever he’s somewhere there are plenty of guys also using it; Nick shares stories with him, tells him about the guys he sleeps with and Jake lets himself live vicariously through him. If Jake felt more confident he’d be doing the same. Wants to do the same but is also terrified. Admires Nick for seeming not to care about being caught. Wonders if he’s developing a voyeurism kink. Except everything he sees is solely in his imagination.

>>Would you send me a picture of your dick?

>>You want a picture of my dick?

>>Yeah. I’m kind of attached to it, and I haven’t even seen it.

He doesn’t say that he’s also attached to Nick. Doesn’t want to come off as needy even if that’s exactly how he feels. He’s seen pictures of Nick’s stomach and thighs, his chest. He’s seen a hard dick being palmed through the fabric of his briefs, but god yeah, he wants to see the real thing. It’s not immediate and he wonders what Nick is doing, has already said that he’s by himself and not going to be interrupted. Then the picture comes through and he knows Nick is over six foot, maybe has big hands, and he’s holding his dick in his hand and it’s dark dusky pink at the head, his fingers are curled around the shaft loosely and god he wishes they could video chat or something, it looks average, if he assumes Nick’s hands are normal sized.

>>How big are your hands?

>>You trying to figure out how big I am?

>>Maybe.

>>I’m plenty big enough. Never had any complaints.

>>Thinking about your hands on me too.

>>They look like nice hands.

>>I used to play baseball. Big mitts.

>>Yeah? Long fingers too looks like.

>>Yeah, I play the piano. Long fingers come in handy.

>>Bet they come in handy for lots of things.

>>You’re not wrong.

Jake bites his lip, looks at the picture again, imagines wrapping his mouth around the head and licking and sucking, making Nick come with nothing but his hands and mouth.

>>Thanks for the picture. It’s a very pretty dick. Now I can imagine sucking it.

>>Fuck.

>>If we ever meet I hope I’m able to do everything properly. Like I can in my head.

>>When we meet.

Jake rolls his eyes.

>>And I don’t care about it being perfect. Sex generally never is.

>>We’ll have fun and get each other off.

>>More than once.

>>Definitely more than once.

>>We won’t leave bed for days. Maybe lock ourselves away from the world when we’re both on leave.

Jake lets himself dream.

… … …

>>Do you ever hook up with other guys?

>>In the service I mean?

>>I mean. I have once or twice. Got to be so careful.

>>There’s this subtle careful look that gets exchanged. I’ve given it and had it ignored, and either the guy isn’t up for it, or just missed it completely. Other times…

>>Other times?

>>It’s been hit and miss. Sometimes the guy is angry and can take it out on you. Other times it’s just sex. Other times they can think it’s the start of something.

>>Take it out on you? What do you mean?

>>Oh. Just.

>>Rough. Angry with the whole thing. Think they’re angry at themselves. That whole not wanting to want another man that way.

>>And you let them?

>>Sometimes. I’ve walked away when I’ve been seriously worried.

>>But I like it a little rough sometimes.

>>Reminds me I’m with a man and I don’t have to hold back my own strength.

Jake bites his lip and shifts a little, already starting to get a little hard, and they aren’t even talking about having sex with each other, just talking about sex in general and he can’t believe it’s getting him hard.

>>You getting hard?

>>Yeah.

>>You know me too well.

>>Of course I do.

>>I wonder how hard I can get you.

Jake knows exactly how hard, he goes back and reads some of their conversations sometimes and they get him hard every single time.

>>I wonder if I told you not to jerk off, and talked to you like this, whether you could come from it.

Jake knows that that won’t happen, he always needs a little friction. But…

>>I’m willing to give it a try.

>>Yeah?

>>Want me to tell you when it’s okay to touch yourself? When you can come?

>>You like the sound of that?

>>Yeah. Little bit.

… … …

He refuses to think about what he has with Nick as a relationship. At least not a romantic one. He is definitely his best friend though, right up their with Javy, although Javy hasn't ever made him come. Some months are quieter than others, and he gets it now. Nick is deployed. Hell. Considering both their schedules it’s a miracle they’ve managed so much communication already. He desperately wants to ask him which service he’s in, but unlike his name, Nick hasn’t offered to share that. However, knowing that they’re both military opens a different type of floodgate and Jake finds himself talking about his team, squad, group, platoon. He changes up what he calls them. If Nick asks he’ll tell him, because then he’ll feel better about asking himself.

The question doesn’t come though.

… … …

>>Tell me something you’ve never told anyone else.

>>Other than the fact I’m gay you mean?

>>Ha ha. Yeah. Other than that.

>>I miss my parents.

Jake’s fingers hover over his phone, not sure what to say. He knows Nick’s parents are dead, and Nick knows his own parents kicked him out… God they’ve both got issues there don’t they. Still, missing them doesn’t feel like something he’d be ashamed to admit.

>>My dad died when I was three. My mom died of cancer fifteen years ago.

>>Oh shit. I’m sorry.

>>I was raised by my godfather after that, but I’m not talking to him either.

>>I miss him too sometimes.

>>I had this whole other family and I just turned my back on them and some days I wonder if it was worth it.

Jake wants to ask, wants to know, because he aches for his family some days, knows he can’t go back. His parents made it abundantly clear that he was no longer welcome, and he wonders if they’d even care if he died.

>>What made you turn your back?

>>You don’t have to tell me, just, I’m here, if you want to tell me.

>>I applied to one of the academies. He pulled my papers. Told me I wasn’t ready. So I went and enlisted anyway.

>>Oh shit.

>>Yeah.

>>So. I’m still angry about it, but I also miss them. Him. Families fuck you up.

>>Yeah. They do.

… … …

It takes a near miss and he lands on the carrier inwardly shaking, although he doesn’t let it show outwardly. But he’s just realized that if something happens to him Nick will never know. He doesn’t want to put him through that. He carefully writes down some instructions and what he wants to say, then he changes the lock code on his phone to Javy’s year of birth, he can’t forget that and it’ll remind him everyday of why he needs to be careful. But also the best. He finds Javy and walks him through it, show him where he hides the app and where he’s going to keep the envelope. Usually they’d joke about something like this, but after the day they’ve had neither of them are feeling in a jokey mood and Jake has no one else to ask.

>>I told my best friend about you. If something happens to me he’ll let you know.

>>How?

>>Gave him a sealed envelope with instructions. Told him I was trusting him, and that if he wanted to keep his sanity he wouldn’t risk opening it. You know what he said?

>>What?

>>That he’d already seen plenty of dick on the locker room and wasn’t going to go looking for any more.

>>But also that he’d do it. So. Yeah.

>>You don’t have to worry about me dropping off the face of the earth and forever wondering what happened to me.

>>He’ll let you know.

>>Wow. Okay. That’s really thoughtful of you.

>>Thanks I guess.

>>Shit. I hadn’t even thought of it.

>>I’ll do the same. It’s not like what I’m doing is any safer than what you’re doing.

>>Yeah. I think not knowing would be the worst part.

>>I wanted to ask you, if you could do that for me.

>>So thanks for offering already.

>>You sure you don’t want my name? That would suck to find it out after I’ve died.

>>Don’t think calling you anything different will make you dying easier on me.

>>So try not to die okay?

>>I’ll do my best.

2011 - Bradley

#online and anonymous #Hangster #Sereshaw #hangman x rooster #Top Gun Maverick fanfic

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angelmichelangelo · 3 months ago

Note

GIVE US THE 2/4 OF THE FIC 😢😢/lh /np

or is it a rlly long oneshot?? if so pleaseee give us fic spoilers human au my beloved <3

-🍒

haha i’m tempted but alas i shall hold out until it’s fully complete :’) and no it’s a multichaptered fic. im drafting up chapter 6 and im aiming for it to be about 16 chapters long? so ive made some progress at least :)

it’s actually a kind of sequel, follow up fic to this one i wrote not long ago. i have like. an entire whole lore to this fic that’s been brainworming in my head for the last year haha so being able to just punch out most of it so quickly has been pretty fun :D

so whilst i can’t post what ive already written so far for you, i can give you a little sneak peek :)

“I could kill you, Mikey.” His brother yells, fists curling tight around the wheel, making his knuckles glow red. “I could actually kill you.”

Mikey gulps. He finds the frayed edge of the cuff again and tugs on it, like if he yanks hard enough it might unravel his whole being, and he could just turn to nothing on Raph’s passenger seat for the rest of time. “I was just the driver,” is what he offers up.

That apparently was the wrong thing to say, evident in the way Raph’s eyes go comically wide, and his jaw twitches at the strength of which he clamps it shut.

“Alopex had to bail you out,” he tells him, so angry and raw his voice cracks. “She used her money she’s worked really fucking hard on because you can’t fucking help yourself.”

The cop station parking lot gets a bit of foot traffic around where they’re parked. A young mother strolls on by with a child skipping at her side whilst a group of teenagers bounce past them, laughing as they swap phones to no doubt share videos.

“I’m sorry,” Mikey says, voice impossibly small. “But. But you knew what Hun was about, don’t– don’t act like you didn’t work for him too once upon a time.”

Raph’s hands slam against the wheel as a frustrated growl crawls up past his lips. “Jesus, Mike, is that going to be your excuse every single time?”

Mikey can’t look at him, so he stares at the dashboard. There’s the remains of a torn away sticker, something he vaguely remembers putting there himself years and years ago when this car was Leo’s and he was small enough to still have sticker books.

When he doesn’t answer, Raph keeps going.

“I made my mistakes, Mikey,” he says, voice suddenly calm and level. It makes the temperature in the car drop about ten degrees cooler. “I made my mistakes with Hun and the Dragons but I owned up to them. I fixed them. I turned my life around.”

Childishly, Mikey feels tears spring behind his eyes. He fails to blink them away in time, so he resorts to scrubbing his face with his sleeve – Raph’s sleeve technically.

“I can help you,” Raph says, he says it so tiredly yet it holds so much weight still. “Leo can help you, Mike. All we wanna do is help you.”

#:D #this fic has been my brain baby for the longest time it’s so fun being able to talk about it #forwarning it will have some pretty heavy TW tags but yeah #thanks for the ask !!#ask #anon #tmnt brothers au

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sapfromsaplings · 4 months ago

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"scared."

(June 16, 2024)

i told you that i think it’s better to take the risk when you like someone because you develop confidence and learn how to handle rejection. it’s a win-win, right? but i’m a hypocrite.

i’m scared.

i’m scared to tell you how i feel because you’re the first one i’ve felt this way for in almost three years. or ever.

when i look at you, i want you to remain in my line of sight for as long as possible i want to see the smile that forms on your lips when you look at me i want your gaze to stay on mine (if only i could look you in the eye) i don’t want our hands to separate i want your head on my shoulder i want you.

but i’m so scared. i don’t want to have mistaken that eye contact as romantic, or your hands fixing my hat as “just something friends do,” or your “what?” as an expression of friendliness, and not curiosity and a desire to know what goes through my mind.

those lunch periods cannot be a mistake that video call cannot be a mistake that gym floor cannot be a mistake that basement couch cannot be a mistake those looks cannot be a mistake those hat fixes cannot be a mistake those smiles cannot be a mistake those hand touches cannot be a mistake this cannot be a mistake.

i’m scared to know whether i’m right or wrong. the genuine butterflies in my chest are something i don’t want to miss.

#poetry #poems and poetry #poems on tumblr #writing #writers on tumblr #romance #friendship #crush #hangout #memories #school #close friends #high school #sapfromsaplings

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akocomyk · 2 years ago

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Believe it or not, I'm very happy

Long post ahead. Just wanna put all my thoughts here in one post.

Chronicling my reactions during the 71st Miss Universe pageant.

The opening number reflects the culture of New Orleans. I love it.

The introduction of judges got messed up—the cameras pan on the wrong people. I think they only got the first and last ones correct.

Olivia Culpo is more energetic now—I think it’s just because Jeannie Mai was her co-host.

Announcement of the Top 16

Puerto Rico – Of course. I expected this. 😊

Haiti – ABSOLUTE SHOCK 😱

Australia – she was in my radar. I included her as one of my alternates.

Dominican Republic – Called it.

Laos – A shock, but I felt it. Annie called me out on this when I posted my predictions and asked why I didn’t include her in my final predictions despite indicating many times during the preliminaries that I think she has a very pretty face. I was laughing when I chatted Annie saying that Laos made it.

South Africa – Expected it.

Portugal – GAAAH I was so happy with this. 😁

Canada – Nowhere near my radar. 🤯

Peru – I contemplated hard on whether or not I’d include her as one of my alternates—I picked Panama instead. BUT I did notice her.

Trinidad & Tobago – Didn’t like her at all, despite many pageant analysts see her as a dark horse.

Curaçao – YES! 😁

India – Many analysts were including her in their lists, primarily because of her speaking skills. I just felt her performance in the preliminaries was a bit middling.

*Commercial* At this point, I was already doubting that Philippines would be called. Only four countries are left, and I was thinking those spots would be for the USA, Philippines, Thailand and Mexico. 🙃

Venezuela – ALAS! Forgot about her earlier, but totally deserving.

Spain – GAAAH! A sentimental favorite of mine. I’m already in bittersweet emotions right then since the Philippines still hasn’t been called. 🥳

USA – MY frontrunner. OF COURSE. Upon her announcement, I chatted Annie, “Parang laglag na tayo ah” 🤩

Colombia – Expected this. But I don’t think she’d win.

Welp. That was it. I didn’t want to stop watching since my best bets were still there, and—including Laos (my uncalled favorite) and Australia (one of my alternates)—I got 11/16 of the semifinals.

None of those I put in the Lower Tier made it. I knew it. I KNEW IT. Also, none of those whom I had gut feels would make it didn’t either, which I guess is good?

After that, I said “Bohol should’ve won MUPh 2022.” Judging from the videos about the semifinalists, they all seem to have concrete advocacies, inspiring stories and something that makes them stand out aside from just being a pretty face. They are potential “transformational leaders.”

Celeste lacks this. She doesn’t have an advocacy that makes her unique. She doesn’t have anything rather than “being authentic” and “being relatable through my struggles.” Gurl, if that was what Voltaire told you to say, HE DESTROYED YOU. Everything that she says—although it all seems true and eloquently said—feels like lip service. More than half of the candidates have the same script.

Annie asked me where I think Celeste went wrong.

Judges at the prelims already know something about the girls. They start with the interview, don’t they? So before the candidates step out on the stage, the judges already know who to look out for. Odds are, they’d give high scores to the girls who they think deserve to be a semifinalist based on personality and credentials alone, as long as they don’t give a trashy performance.

If Celeste failed her interview, her only chance is to give the BEST performance on the prelims.

Unfortunately, Celeste gave a middling performance at the preliminaries. She wasn’t the best during swimsuit, but she did very well on evening gown—despite not having a very flashy dress. Regardless, she was still one of the standouts from those competitions.

At least half of the other girls who made it to the Top 16 were inferior to Celeste when it comes to stage presence. What was their edge? As I said, they have inspiring stories.

It has always been like this. Pia, Catriona, and the other queens in the IMG era… they all had stories to tell. The branding and the owner has changed, but the evolution has already started years ago. And the Trump era standards have already been downplayed for quite a while.

Which gets me back to my statement. Bohol should’ve won, based solely on the responses in the final question at Miss Universe Philippines. And she has done other things other than being just a model.

GOING BACK to Miss Universe.

Swimsuit Competition

Puerto Rico – YES, GURL! TAKE IT!

Haiti – Yow. That walk is why I didn’t expect her to be here.

Australia – Damn that ripped body. The way she walks feels so… harsh though.

Dominican Republic – Since Mexico is out, you’re in my Top 5.

Laos – Again. PRETTY FACE. It’s just. Ugh. What’s with the slow-mo walk and quick turn? That needs more practice. 🤨

South Africa – Beautiful performance. Not the best one, though.

Portugal – Yaaaay! She’s fighting! Loved her in Miss Earth 2018, still love her now. 🥰

Canada – Did she add another layer of cape? What’s with all the ending twirls? This isn’t Miss Grand. It’s poorly executed too. 🙃

Peru – See that? This is why I contemplated putting her in my list.

Trinidad & Tobago – Love pink on her skin. Love the fierceness she projects.

Curaçao – GAAAH! YES!

India – She has an amazing body and a good pasarela. Her cape really reflects the Indian culture.

Venezuela – Really good. She’s IN IT to WIN IT. Love the art on her cape.

Spain – Love seeing the painting on her cape. She did a good job. Many candidates are just better.

USA – YES! YOU ARE THE LAST HOPE OF THE FILIPINOS.

Colombia – It’s hard to keep up with USA after that performance.

My clear standouts are Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, and USA—Curaçao close behind them.

Evening Gown Competition

I’m in love with the background music haha!

Puerto Rico – Didn’t change her gown. Why change when there's nothing wrong with it? I loved seeing her in that gown again.

Haiti – Better than her swimsuit performance, but still not there.

Australia – Didn’t like her styling. I wish she should’ve picked a gown that softened her image a little bit ‘coz I think her body’s just too in-shape. The performance was better than in the prelims, though.

Dominican Republic – I’m so happy she didn’t wear her rehearsal gown. This gown is immaculate. And her styling? I think I’m looking at a different woman from what I’ve seen during the preliminaries. 🤩

Laos – She used a nude-colored gown. It didn’t help her.

South Africa – After all the muted colors the came before her, THIS IS A GOOD CHANGE. I love the vibrant color. I love the design. I love the pocket, I don't think I've ever seen that in Miss Universe before.

Portugal – Love her, but… Another silver gown? It’s good… but… there’s a “but.” ☹️

Canada – I love her white gown with that feathery cape.

Peru – I love the sparkly silvery gown, probably better than her prelims gown. She’s good.

Trinidad & Tobago – The color of her gown reminds me of Ms. Trinidad & Tobago’s gown back in 2010.

Curaçao – Thank god for the lavender ombre at the bottom. Beautiful, still. However, I wish she had picked a different gown. This one doesn’t stand out amongst the others.

India – What’s with all the silver gowns???

Venezuela – *gasps* 🤯

Spain – Another mute-colored gown. It looks good on her, but I wish she walked with more confidence.

USA – *another gasp* like… I still haven’t recovered from my gasp at Venezuela’s gown, then here comes another one. But… RIAN FERNANDEZ made this, RIGHT???!!! *screams in silence 🥳

Colombia – Her preliminary gown was better.

My standouts for gown are USA, Venezuela, Dominican Republic, and Puerto Rico (in that order), Curaçao at fifth.

Combining the scores I’ve given to all candidates, my personal Top 5 are—from 1st to 5th—USA, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Venezuela and Curaçao.

Announcement of Top 5

Okay. I only have one constant reaction during the announcement. Venezuela was called first, then USA, and then others. One by one, my Top 5 is becoming a reality. I WAS SO HAPPY. I couldn’t contain myself. I was screaming.

These girls are also the ones who were at the top of my predictions. I got 4/5 of the finalists, and I ranked Dominican Republic at 6th. I was so close.

This same instance happened when I made my predictions for Miss Universe Philippines 2020—Rabiya Mateo’s year. I got 4/5 of the Top 5—Alaiza Malinao of Davao City didn’t make it—but I had Rabiya at 6th place.

Top 5 Q&A

After hearing all their answers, I thought USA and Dominican Republic were sure in the Top 3. And the last spot would be… Venezuela? I just thought Puerto Rico and Curaçao’s answers were too generic.

Announcement of Top 3

This was just a series of me chatting “I TOLD YOU SO.” to my friends, as my Top 3, once again, materialized into reality.

Top 3 Final Quesion

Dominican Republic – She answered too monotonously. She’s like a recorded audio. She’s my 2nd Runner-up

USA – I’ve never been so satisfied with an answer since Catriona’s final question back in 2018. USA’s gonna win.

Venezuela – Flowery words delivered with conviction, but lacks depth and context. She did not personalize her answer as much as she could. She did better than DR though.

At that point, I knew it was gonna be between USA and Venezuela—and I was leaning a lot more towards USA.

And who was the last two holding hands before the new Miss Universe was announced?

Eventually, Ms. USA was crowned as the new Miss Universe.

Yep. I should really consider becoming a pageant blogger.

#miss universe #Pageantry

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letscrywolff · 5 months ago

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"He’s got his hands around your neck and all you’re thinking is that you loved the wrong boy again. The boy you ran away from finds you here. And you open your mouth to say you were afraid and then you still were and then you chose wrong and swallowed burning lips instead of drowning ones– it always goes like this. The older man wants to teach you something dirty, show you how to knock scotch down your throat and look for him and not the chaser, what to do with your hunger. You’re too good at this. Leaving is easy until he comes back for you. Then it’s all choking on dry air and believing in god again." Confession

You were right. You did love the wrong boy. You did choose the wrong boy.

The choice was so obvious too.

I remember you calling me one time way back when. You sounded distraught. I just wanted to know you were safe. I just wanted to make you feel safe. Do you remember that call?

Did he have his hands around your neck then?

He must have felt like such a big boy strangling a girl your age and size. Because, let’s face it, with that lowlife it’s likely he literally - not figuratively or playfully - did have his hands around your neck when he saw those flowers from me. He literally left you bloody on a bathroom floor, didn’t he? No metaphors necessary there. If I had only known then… god I feel my blood boiling every time I think about him doing any of this shit to you. What a weak ass pathetic piece of shit. I had no clue at the time you two worked together. You left that little detail out when you told me you were running from your ex. Who would have thought that a scared girl who couldn’t get away from her abusive ex due to work would end up back with him instead of a new guy she only sees when she chooses. He had proximity built into your relationship. Must have been nice for him. Of course you’d have chances to work things out if you can’t escape one another. I can’t believe how many advantages he was GIVEN throughout all the time you two were together. He inflicted himself upon you and scarred himself into your brain via endless and seemingly inescapable trauma.

He took advantage of your age, your size, your situation. Hell you two met when you were like 16-17 by the dates of some of your early poems talking about how he wouldn’t turn the car around, and he was in his 20s. You were still in high school. He basically preyed on you. What a fucking creep. Would you want your kids associating with a guy like that? Would you condone that with your kids? Would you encourage them to go after such a young person, a kid, if they were in their 20s? Of course not. And that just shines a light on just how fucked and weird it truly was. And don’t give me the “age of consent” bullshit. The only people who have to use that as a defense are the very weirdos who prey on younger people. You’re basically telling on yourself if you have to bring that shit into the mix. Can’t say I’m too shocked you found those kiddie videos on his phone. Fucking freak and weirdo through and through that piece of shit is. And he had constant exposure to you too thanks to work. He probably realized you were a somewhat shy, quiet, insecure, low self-esteem girl and that’s why he went for you. Young, naive, and heart on her sleeve. He probably tried to sell you on the idea he was just a misunderstood guy that only you could understand - when in reality he was just a creepy loser no one wanted anything to do with cause he’s a black hole for peace and sanity. You found that out the hard way. Make no mistake, you 2 were in completely different life stages with completely different life experience - that makes a huge difference. It’s one thing to be 25 and 32, its way different to be 16 and 23. That whole thing was rotten from the start.

Back then, I remember you telling me you had a bad relationship with your family, and weren't really hanging out with your friends. You were isolated and he knew - and intended to keep it that way. He needed to control you because he knew what I know - that he is depthless, offers nothing, is a leech, and couldn't keep you any other way. In a word, he is a coward.

He wouldn't be able to keep you if he had to compete with anyone else on a level playing field. When you first introduced "February boy" you know what you had to say about him?

February boy tells me all his secrets at once. In one breath. I like him because he isn’t dangerous. He is all hands and tongue, and stays. This one’s gentle even when he shouldn’t be. A foreign love. This one knows to not leave me bloody on the bathroom floor. A DIFFERENT LOVE

First off - gentle even when he shouldn't be... glad your broken pussy and my bruised dick could lay that bullshit to rest.

Anyway.

I told you all my secrets at once because I saw pain in your eyes. Really, I did. I remember our first encounter so well. I've thought about it so many times over the years.

You had a look of pain in your eyes as we were talking about our histories and our pasts. I could tell you were running from something but that you were too ashamed or scared to talk about it. It was the first poem I ever read of yours, read it straight off your eyes.

So I told you my story. The raw uncut truth. I'd never EVER told anyone all the details and pain and everything I overcame. I told you because I wanted you to feel less alone. You just seemed so... lonely. It was the way you seemed afraid to share any deeper part of you. Like you had been isolated through someone turning on you, using your own words as a weapon against you. You came off as someone who struggled with trusting others. It was so clear even back then - I just had no idea just how accurate I was at the time.

I wanted you to feel safe with me. I wanted you to know there were still good people in this world. That you could trust me. I just wanted to take that pain away from you and that's the fucking truth. I hated seeing you that way. I wanted you to feel less alone... and in truth, I didn't want to feel alone, either. I really did feel connected to you. It meant something to me... it meant everything to me, actually.

And you know my history. I was in isolation for about 3.5 years before I met you. I had only been “free” for a handful of months before we met. But I hit the ground running once I did. I spent that time growing, rebuilding, determined to come out the other side a changed man. I will forever be proud of what I overcame. I am proof people can change if they’re determined enough, have enough grit, have strength of character. Even with your undying support he couldn’t ever be bothered to help himself. He overcame nothing and worse, he dragged others down with him. He chose to blame the world instead of taking responsibility. He’s a dime a dozen loser. I had no support in my corner. I’d have killed to have a girl like you by my side through all I dealt with.

But I came out of that 3.5 years determined to date and fuck. That was my only goal. I absolutely was the dirty-dick Casanova you always painted me out to be - at least I was back then. I only do things with people I care about now- I can’t just do the casual thing anymore. Does nothing for me now. But back then, I knew one thing was true about me: I had the motherfucking gift of charm. I know how to charm a woman’s pants off quite literally and it’s fun as hell, I won’t lie. It’s even easier now with the lean physique, so at least there’s that. I dated a LOT of girls in 2018. I was making up for lost time. But I was never crazy about any of them, just some fun times. Then I met you.

You were the first girl I met, after about 25 others, that I wanted more and more and more of. I couldn’t get enough of you. You had serious depth to you. You loved to read too. You had a love of language, like me. That’s so fucking hard to find and I’ve come to find I really like that in a partner. I’ve always admired your economy of words. I love some of the shit you’d say.

I couldn’t learn enough about you. I was captivated. I was enamored. And it felt mutual. I really really REALLY liked you. A lot. So much. I thought about you endlessly every moment you were away. I yearned for you. Fucking YEARNED. Fucking you felt like heaven with a side of bliss. But that’s never changed. I’ll trash the hell out of you throughout this message, and you deserve every bit of it, but I’ll never pretend I didn’t enjoy every moment with you. I cherished all of it.

I kept dating pretty hard for the next couple years but nothing ever matched what we had. Nothing ever hit the same way. I’d find myself thinking about you off and on with some frequency. I’d sometimes think about you when I was kissing another girl, or reaching down her pants, or fucking her. I’d find myself getting frustrated she wasn’t you, and I’d lay into her for having the audacity to be herself. They fucking loved me most when I didn’t even see them there.

You were always on my mind. I guess all the intermittent hookups kept me hooked. Every time I hoped so fucking bad you’d stick around. I just felt so fucking good with you - but it’d be one thing if it felt one sided. It never did. It felt like you were enjoying me just as much. The way you’d look at me… I told myself there’s no way she looks at anyone else the same way. I’m still deluding myself that’s true. I need to come out of this with at least one beautiful lie still in tact.

But here’s a sad truth: I really haven’t been able to find anyone else that just did it for me the way you did. I hate even admitting it. Because I know this is over now - especially after this message. But I don’t shy from uncomfortable truths and I know eventually this will pass…

And don’t get me wrong. I met plenty of people I connect with. Instant clicks and all that. Just nothing like what we had. One girl was pretty much perfect. We were the same kind of weird and clicked right away. She saw me at a dog park with Midas and had her friend get my number. She was super fit yet extremely feminine, kind and caring, funny, outgoing, intelligent, easy to talk to, great job… she founded and ran a non-profit helping sex-trafficked girls in Africa. She had a big heart. It hurt breaking it. We dated for a few months and I really enjoyed her. But she was a highly religious Christian. That made her a LOT of fun at times - the stuff they say about the repressed good girls has always proven true for me. But she was always bringing God into everything and I wasn’t looking for a three-way. It wasn’t something minor, it was core to her beliefs and values. I didn’t want to do it but I knew I had to cut her loose. When I broke up with her, I did it in person because I respected her. I gave her a heads up, I didn’t spring it on her, or slow fade it. I knew she deserved the respect and decency of being upfront with her. So I did it in person, looked her in the eyes, and told her the truth. She thanked me for it and told me it was okay, and it was God’s will. She cried, we hugged, and I told her if she ever needs me, don’t be a stranger. We’ve stayed in touch here and there. Purely platonically. She’s doing well, and I like knowing. Turns out it is possible to end things respectfully and with the reverence they deserve. With a little fucking empathy.

Anyway, after I shared my one-breath secret, laid it all out bare and showed you who I really am... you told me what you were running from. You told me about him and what he'd put you through. You called him your, "cheating drug addict ex who overdosed. Again." I remember laying there and the look on your eyes when you told me that. We saw each other for who we really were. There was no pretense, no masks. We were both naked now in more than one way. We fucked each other some more after and I still remember how much you were enjoying yourself with every thrust. I remember the black lingerie you changed back into, and how I couldn't resist ripping it off of you again. God how I loved stripping you down. It was like unwrapping a gift every time. I've relived that night in my memory so many times.

After that, I resolved to always be my true 100% self with you. There would be no secrets between us. No truth too painful to share. At least, on my end that’s how I felt. I can tell you earnestly I’ve never betrayed that resolution. Not even now. Trust me, putting this all out there for you to judge, and process, and risk it all being misunderstood, or being fuel to your resentment, or a confirmation of your choice to leave… it isn’t easy to do that when you truly love someone.

In just a week's time I had you questioning the "love" you were getting from him. I showed you something you couldn't unsee. I showed you an unmatched passion. I know it because I can read the look in your eyes accurately - as we both well know now - and you love the way I treated you. Slamming you against a wall, on a bed, I’d push you down and fuck you wherever you landed. The dirty words we'd exchange between airy breaths, gasps, and moans. You loved just how desired I made you feel. You loved that I bring that side out of you so easily.

But if it was ever just about the sex, this never would have gone on the way it did. Sex is only made better by connection. And underlying all that passion was a connection like no other. So easy it was, so effortless. It felt natural. Everyone always talks about how they 'click' but I think most would be hard-pressed to ever find someone that clicked the way we did straight away. I still think about our first encounter all these years later. How I gave you that "tour" of my apartment.

"Here's the living room, here's the kitchen, here's the bathroom... and here's the bedroom!" As I pushed you in and down onto the bed. We really were all hands and tongues and slamming our bodies into one another. Over and over and over again. I've never been able to get enough of you.

I made you feel loved. I made you feel desired.

He made you feel alone.

On a post on Reddit titled: "Feeling alone in your relationship" someone asked:

"What do you do when your starting to feel alone in your long term relationship, but you love your partner more than anything and do not want to leave them? Does anyone else ever feel like that and if so how do you cope with it?"

Your response:

“I do feel like this. It’s honestly unacceptable. You need to talk to your partner about how you feel alone and why... and hopefully, if they’re a caring and good partner, they will work to change it. And if they don’t, then you either deal with feeling alone or leave. But I don’t think anyone should feel alone in a relationship. If you feel alone cause you’re bored and your partner works from 9-5 and you’re at home all day... that’s a different story and you should pick up some hobbies or meet some friends... but if that’s not the case, then it’s really not cool :(“

Crazy how your advice is to talk to your partner about how you feel and why. Why did I never get that treatment? Why didn’t I ever get a chance to hear how you felt and why? I gave you several opportunities. I’d shown my willingness to change many times. I guess that would mean I’m a good and caring partner by your standards.

He never changed. Never worked to change it. He showed you what kind of partner he is. He left you feeling lonely. You were right. It is unacceptable. So why did you accept it for so long?

Thing is, being alone would be better than being in that abusive relationship. You did all the work and always got punished for it as a reward. Seems you were always rescuing him, keeping him safe from himself, and enduring his anger and antics. He was still a dick to you sober - you say so yourself. And you mention he habitually lies to you like it’s normal - it’s not. Being alone was an upgrade from that bullshit.

You gave the wrong guy all the chances and he let you down 100 times if not more.

And you WERE alone in that "relationship." It was the most one-sided thing ever. You even knew it! And I want to be very clear: The emphasis for all of this is because this absolutely shaped you and played a HUGE role in why the mutual love, growth, and respect between us "didn't feel right" to you. Because you're USED to mistreatment, disrespect, one-sided love, and emotional unavailability.

You're not used to a man who knows what he wants, is capable of going for it, has the capacity to both give and receive love, and who actually values you. You're used to having to "earn" that love through endless giving and giving and giving. Constantly having to prove your worth through their endless mistreatment. That is NOT love.

“I feel like with addicts, there’s always an imbalance... you’re giving and giving, and they’re just taking and swallowing it up.”

Him being an addict had nothing to do with it. That's just who he is. He was a known thief - all he knew was taking. Anything and everything, whether it was his or not. All he knew how to do was rob you of your efforts, your care, your energy, your love. And what did you honestly get in return?

There’s a reason your poetry about February boy were full of longing and passion, while the ones about Drowning boy were full of regret.

"I missed the boy with the lavender on the night stand and promises on his lips and I missed the girl he loved in his bed who carried lonely in her hands and didn’t know the taste of blood yet." February boy

(This one hits hard. Honestly, all your poetry did. It was so fucking good from start to finish. Seriously.)

I miss them both too.

That boy followed through on his every promise. That boy knew you’d tasted poison and blood and loved you anyway. He wasn’t oblivious to your past - in fact, he was cognizant of it with every interaction, trying to love you into growing past it. He was a living testament to the fact that we didn't have to let our pasts define us. Because he had overcome his past, his traumas, at least best he could - and she knew his story. He knew it was a choice to either overcome history or let it shape him to it's liking. He'd tasted blood, too. Many times. But he refused to be a victim of the world, to blame the world. To just watch it... happen. He hoped she could learn from him.

That boy didn’t care about anything except for how he and she connected. He loved you in his bed, sure, but he loved you everywhere, any time - it’s why he loved you through so much silence. He loved her no matter what. He loved her whether they were doing anything or nothing. It’s why the passion was always there no matter when you came back - he just loved you. He isn’t that way with everyone. He isn’t that way with anyone. It was an “only with her” kind of thing but she never believed him. No one had ever lived up to their words before, after all. The mask always slips eventually, after all.

But his love wasn't bed-bound - it was so much more than just sex. He listened to you, remembered the little things, said the right words, and left you feeling like you'd met your match. One thing was clear: You now knew what it was like to be seen. To be heard. To be validated and understood. To be loved the way you always deserved. To be appreciated and cared for.

Our connection was instantaneous, deep, and natural and every time you've been brave enough to reach out and reconnect, that connection has withstood everything between it. Because it's based on real connection, real depth, and real love.

Or rather... it was.

You even knew it when you mused on the thoughts of the dreams we long talked about. The garden you never grew: House, kids, marriage, travel. Referencing once again A DIFFERENT LOVE, and the gentle love.

Forever ago, on a Tuesday. I’m drunk on the floor thinking of all the things I could have already grown in a garden had I started months ago, had it been A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, a softer stable lover with lips that never made me spit out poems about poison

Yet another poem about how shithead couldn't give you what you needed. Another poem where you’re dreaming of life with someone better, someone healthier. Add it to the pile.

You couldn’t grow a garden with him. Wasn’t he a fucking landscaper?

Fact is he couldn't compete unless he controlled you and he read you like a book. He knew you'd put up with his bullshit. The moment you forgave him for cheating - after only being with you for 2 months by the way, why did you ever stay!? - you told him everything he needed to know: You'd stay with him no matter how poorly he treated you. It set the stage for the years to come. And it was so obvious he had you. In your reddit posts, you refused to acknowledge the roaring majority of people who were urging you with serious concern to leave that relationship. Complete strangers recognized from the myriad of abuses you suffered just how fucked things were. Other people were reading your post history and connecting the dots for you. But most didn't even need to read more than just one of those stories to know that you are in a serious GTFO situation. Your stories were truly horrific for anyone, let alone a young, ambitious, lonely and naive girl such as yourself.

Even in our last encounter, you acknowledged this.

I asked you what went wrong between you two and you said "A lot of small things piled up." First off - holy shit is that laughable now that I know the details. You lived out about 20 different relationship-ending scenarios for anyone else and still stuck by his side for no discernable reason.

You really think such traumatic experiences wouldn’t have far-reaching, long-lasting, insidious effects on your ability to love and attach? It’s like I told you, I never felt like we were facing our own problems, we’ve been up against your past.

Every story you've ever told me about him - and I'm talking the pre-poetry stories that you told me yourself - were all about him being a piece of shit. You told me about how he stole a whole bottle of meds from some homeless guy. You told me about the eviction. You told me about how he cheated on you and overdosed. Again. How he was addicted to every color of the drug rainbow - I couldn't believe this guy treated himself like a lab rat going so far as to order "research chemicals" to pump himself full of shit. So many other stories... It seemed like endless and exhausting drama with him. Like not even fun or interesting shit, just straight up dumbass shit that was just purely exhausting for anyone within the splash zone. A walking disaster. I NEVER understood why you ever went back to him, especially after meeting me. EVER. I still don't. Because I know I showed up for you EVERY TIME. In your stories, you even admit at one point that there were way more times of him being fucked up, creating drama, sucking all the air out of the room, and creating chaos than there ever were good moments. You two created a trauma bond from all the bullshit he put you through and you endured.

“My boyfriend (28m) and I (22f) have been together for about 3 years now. For the MAJORITY of those years he’s been stuck in a cycle of drug use.”

The fucking majority of the time he was high and when he wasn’t high, he was looking for his fix. He wasn’t ever focused on you in any serious way. You were a safety net. You were a convenience. You were just an enabler for his fixes and a comfort for his withdrawals. He showed you how much you meant with every hit, every lie, every cheat, every skipped birthday and holiday, every “fuck you,” every “bitch,” every skipped rent, every failure to launch, every new place he’d get kicked out of, every mess he told you to clean up, every failed rehab visit, every paranoid moment you couldn’t trust him or ever rebuild. His love for you was as real as the ring he proposed to you with. Like everything else with you, he wanted all of the benefits without any of the work or responsibilities. He showed you how much you meant by what he provided… and it seems like he didn’t provide much of anything other than endless work, stress, drama, and emotional exhaustion. How could you ever have any emotional runway for anyone or anything else when you had to pour all yourself into taking care of that wretch?

I know I was consistent across all the years, despite the many unjustified abandonments. I was devoted. I was stable, secure, safe. I gave you something no one else seemed able to provide. Certainty. Comfort. Chemistry. Compatibility. Connection. We clicked - effortlessly.

Good luck finding that out there again anytime soon. I know you’ve found quite a few who were incredibly unfaithful - to their wives - already. Plenty who couldn’t match your libido. Plenty who you struggled to connect with on any meaningful level. Plenty that were just physical but with nothing behind their eyes - and could see nothing in yours.

They’re the rule anymore, not the exception. No wonder you always wanted to know you were my only girl. You’re used to disloyal, empty-headed shitheads, but I’m realizing that’s the kind of guy you choose. If you were drawn to someone who actually chooses you, you would have chosen me.

You can’t convince me we weren’t great together. You can’t convince me you didn’t think so either.

We get along, connect deeply, make each other laugh, both have aspirations we go for, both are independent, both introverted, both up for new things, both successful, we both turn each other on, and had great sex.

You would always cream all over my cock, leave literal puddles on my sheets, and before we met up you told me I’m not allowed to make you cum so soon. And I know what you like, you like being told. You like CNC. You like being dominated, manhandled, and used. You like being told no. You like aggression. Restraint. I miss hearing you tell me you love me while I fuck you with my hand around your throat. I miss pumping you full of me. I miss the way you suck cock and swallow my cum - you’re the absolute fucking best at that. I miss worshipping your body. I miss being all over you. I miss our dirty talk. I miss calling you a filthy cock-loving slut. But most of all… I just miss talking to you.

I miss telling you I love you. I miss the way you’d need to hold my hand. I miss the way you’d wrap your arms around me. I miss reading the looks in your eyes. I miss your breath on my neck. I miss the taste of your lips. I miss grabbing your perfect ass, your perfect tits. I miss telling you you’re gorgeous and beautiful and sexy and hot. I miss that butterfly necklace, your tan lines, your sparkly “poop brown” eyes, with glasses and without, your black hair both long and short, your scarred chin, your soft skin, your thin frame, your beauty marks. I miss your sharp wit, your sassy attitude, your mocking voice you’d break out when you were making fun of someone (or me) or just annoyed. I miss your reactions. I miss your retorts. I miss your goofy humor. I miss the way you’d say my name - especially when you’d get excited or laugh as you’d say it. Hell, you even made it sound good when you’d be upset or serious with me. I miss hearing you say your own name, with my last name attached. You convinced me you really liked how it sounded. I miss the many looks on your face, the reactions… the judging, the pleasure. I miss your voice - god how I miss your voice. I just miss how natural everything felt between us. Since the start. Til the end.

I just miss the ever-loving fuck out of you and I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of being the only one who valued it all. I’m tired of being the only one who cared enough to make this more than just our pretty words. I’m tired of being the only one who prioritized this because I saw the potential. You would always say how you couldn’t find anything like this, you’d say how lucky you felt we met way back when, you’d say you are grateful for me. Why couldn’t you mean any of it? I deserved to be missed just as much as I miss you. But you don’t. If you did you’d be here. If you did, you wouldn’t have kept trying to find better. Or go back to others. Or just up and leave without a fight. You would have stayed. And this time, I know there’s no coming back.

But that loyalty shit probably makes you gag - and not in a good way. Shame, cause I know we had a real connection - the type that you find only a handful of in a lifetime if you’re lucky. What's worse is - you've told me yourself MULTIPLE times throughout the years that you feel the same. I still don’t know what was so wrong that you just decided to end things without even trying. I still don’t know what was missing other than maybe a little tension and chaos. It genuinely feels like you always ran because we were getting too close and that threatened to close off all your past, all your other options, and you just weren’t ready to have something real. It’s the unknown for you. No matter how good things were between us, it was never good enough. Because you tricked yourself into believing that you know there is better love. That you’ve had that before.

I’m going to be very clear here: what you felt with him was intense, no doubt, but it was the product of all the chaos and disarray. It wasn’t love. Love is mutual. Did you get back all you put in? Could he ever give you equal what you gave? Be honest with yourself: was he even capable? You said it yourself on Reddit: he took and took and took but he never gave. You weren’t in love, you were in a sunk-cost fallacy. You should have left with his first major disrespect, cheating, and never looked back. Instead, you doubled down. You got overly-invested in a loser that never paid off and never would. Where was the romance? Seriously. Nothing you ever told me, nothing you ever wrote, nothing I ever inferred ever had any overtones or undertones of a loving, romantic relationship. It felt more like you had a sense of duty to protect him from himself than anything. He never seemed like a partner - just some dude you took care of and kept off the streets. He was literally sleeping in a fucking closet on an air mattress at his aunt's at one point because his own mother didn't even wanna deal with his bullshit anymore. While he was spending all his money pumping poison into his veins, you were literally selling your plasma to make rent. He was literally draining you. Do you realize how much you sacrificed and how little he cared? Reading your reddit posts and your (lack of) reaction, really makes me wonder if you've just got a serious block around the reality of that situation.

So now, it only makes sense you’re more comfortable when you know things don’t work because there’s comfort in the familiar and in knowing the outcome beforehand. And not only that, but the last time you allowed yourself to invest fully in someone it was a multi-year nightmare with no payoff. You clearly gave that relationship your all - your efforts were Herculean. It left you with nothing else left to give. So all these closed off, unavailable, and preoccupied people? There’s no pressure that they’ll ever become more. The outcome is assured before things ever get going. You don't have to give them anything. Well, nothing meaningful at least. Just some meaningless experiences that'll just leave you feeling a little more empty once the regret sets in. You talk about leaving pieces of yourself in others - you had no pieces left to leave them, you're still picking them up from when you got shattered. After all, "I fuck someone and call it healing instead." Because that meaningless lay is no pressure. But you're a nurse now though, you should know one of the first protocols for healing many wounds is to apply pressure. Sometimes pressure is exactly what we need to heal. I'm glad I "pressured" you. I did the right thing for both of us - I wish you could have too.

The only explanations I can understand as to why we didn’t work out - given how we mesh, given how we talk about the future, given all you’ve written into the void all these years - have taken me through a shit ton of research about trauma bonds, attachment theory, and the psychology of abuse and the victims thereof. And just to answer WHY, because I actually fucking loved you, okay? Because I cared about you, and us, and wanted this so fucking bad because it felt like we actually had something worth a damn in this fucked up world. It felt like we were equals, both wanting the same things, both capable of giving the other what they needed, both able to light the other up whether it was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. This is my life too that you came and blew up. I want to make sense of it. You wouldn’t talk to me or explain what happened. You didn’t try to avert things or work things out. You just let this die. Well it’s my life and it matters to me, I don’t just have something like this happen and write it off “it is what it is 🤷‍♂️ “ I need a fucking answer as to why someone would come back to me, knowing how much I loved them, telling me they want marriage and kids, knowing I was dead serious about them and had been for years, got along great with me always, looked happy every time I saw them, naturally connected with me, seemed passionate together, always enjoying one another’s company, and then suddenly vanish the moment I try to get more of that more regularly. I NEED to understand why I don’t get that happy ending.

I wondered for years if my love and adoration for you was one-sided. I’m glad I googled that poem offhandedly that night. I truly am sorry for how the discovery must have effected you. I know how difficult it was for you to share just one, let alone an entire anthology. I know how your parents' nosing in your journal affected you. But I chanced across pandora's box, from a gifted writer, who on this Earth, in my extremely unique circumstances, could ever not be curious enough to look? Can you honestly tell me if you were in my shoes that you wouldn't have done the same? Like I told you when we first reconnected... neither of us are angels - that's no fun.

That poetry was VINDICATING for me. I've never felt so much from poetry before. Holy shit. I mean, you're really fucking good, let's be real here. I'm not gonna lie, I first discovered this all way back in October almost right after the break up. I spent most of October and a chunk of November just writing daily. Then off and on since. A document of about 100 pages - yeah, way longer than even this - you know I'm wordy. But believe it or not... most everything I've written here has been from memory from those readings way back when. I haven't spent much time revisiting your poetry or your reddit. But I have an excellent memory for the written word. I remember most our text exchanges near-perfectly. And the things I read were so emotionally charged, uniquely personal to my own situation, and incredibly well-written. How could I not remember? If anything, I fear I'll never be able to forget.

Anywho...

You know that one you wrote about how we both loved the wrong people and are running nowhere near each other? It made me tear up. I've NEVER in all my life teared up from just reading something. Hell, I’ve never shed a tear over you leaving me. It's literally been YEARS since I can remember feeling such a deep... sadness on the level that poem made me feel. I've felt things, sure, but I've never been moved to tears from just reading something. That poem broke me.

I wish you'd have shared that with me back then.

I remember that moment - and the way you wrote your side of things - the way you worded things... It resonated with me so fucking hard. It took me back to that moment in time together. I know EXACTLY what inspired that. I remember that day - the bench outside the grocery store on the main street in the little downtown area with the lake near me. It was a beautiful day. You looked so fucking good. You always have.

I remember telling you how you rocked my world and felt the Earth shaking. I remember truly wishing it had been you. I wished so bad that you could just have the loyalty of the "closer girl" because she absolutely adored me and I had to be the one who'd shatter her. But I also felt like you had already shown me twice by then that you wouldn't choose me. I wanted you, real bad - more than anything, really - that was the hardest fucking thing to do for me... to turn you down. But I chose myself because you had hurt me enough and shown me enough that you would never be able to stay with me. We were both wiser back then, I swear. At least I gave you the dignity and respect of looking you in the eyes when I did it. At least I could give you concrete reasons for my decision. And I would have GLADLY worked WITH you to make things work if you'd shown me that you'd stick with me and through things. Because I WANTED us to work. I wanted you in my life. But you always bounced at the first bump, even when I gave you every reason to stay.

Do you think things would have been different if I had chose you that day instead? I've thought about that a lot over the years. I always wanted to tell you, but it never seemed like the right time. That poem struck my heart so fucking hard. A lot of them did, truthfully. You're good, and I really hope this whole fucked up situation doesn't stop you from writing more.

But it was sad reading all that. I mean, it's really sad that you dealt with so much. You are such a lover, such a romantic... but you lived out about the least romantic tragedy I've ever read. And it all felt like it could have been avoided quite easily. It felt like it didn't have to be that way.

It let me know that in those silences, you were thinking of me too. I know you must be now too. It gives me peace. It let me know you did love me - something I questioned for years. It showed me that you always felt the same and that our connection wasn't something I imagined. But it was real. But that’s what makes this worse. You clearly loved what we had. So why did you always run when we were about to make it more than just a tryst? Why did you always talk so much about moving in and then leave when we would go to make it real? You always bounced when we’d go to make this more. You can blame speed and pressure all you want, but we’d been talking about this for 6 years, E, and you were my fiancé. No one forced you to say yes. So don’t revisionist the history. Everything that happened, happened because it was what you wanted… until suddenly you didn’t.

And I spent soooo much time making sure you were on board with everything and serious. I literally tried to scare you off at first by letting you know how serious I was because I didn’t want to do this if you weren’t serious. I didn’t want to do this again if it was going to end in heartbreak. I wanted you to run BEFORE I let myself fall in love with you again, not after. Thanks a fucking lot. You have no idea how difficult this is to reconcile on my end - and let's face it, you don’t give a fuck either.

You just showed up, did what you felt like in the moment, and when your feelings changed, oh well! Just casually end an engagement. Just casually say I love you after 6 years of harboring feelings, then toss the whole thing out. Just casually tell me you have intrusive thoughts about getting off birth control without telling me because you want my babies. Then just leave. Over text. Not gonna question that, not gonna try and make things work, not gonna do anything heathy or productive to try and salvage things with the healthiest partner you’ve likely ever had. Not even gonna give him an answer as to why I did this to him! Just bye-bye!

How do you not see how fucked up that is to do to someone? How do you just do that to someone. I have never broken up with someone I was serious with in such a callous, cold, and uncaring manner. It’s heartless. What did I ever do to deserve that? Tell me. Justify it. What did I ever do that was even CLOSE to what others subjected you to?

I’m not perfect, but I never mistreated you or abused you or any horrible shit like that. I know overall I was VERY good to you, I would have done anything to make right if I knew something was wrong, and what’s worse is I had every reason to treat you shitty after all your unexplained and unjustified abandonments, but I never did because I enjoyed you so much that it seemed pointless to focus on that - I just wanted to focus on what we had then and there in those moments and make the most of the time we did have. Those abandonments were the only thing that affected me within the relationship. I was absolutely insecure about that and I had every right to be.

Because I had no way to judge how things were going. Because you don’t speak up if anything is wrong and you carry on like everything is beyond fine - you tell me you love me, you tell me you want to get married and have my babies, you make a list of baby names, you tell me you love me after 6 years of choking it down, you talk about getting married... and I propose. You say yes! But our history showed me that no matter how well things SEEM to be going, you could still bail at any moment for any reason or no reason at all. I had every right to be nervous because I had to just work off of complete faith since you couldn’t give any honest input on how things felt from your side.

I didn’t want or need ‘perfect’. I wanted the mess. I was willing to do the work. If something wasn’t working, we’d make it work, damn it. I wanted all of you, not just the good bits. I wanted the anger, the sadness, the things you didn’t like and weren’t working. I didn’t want just the lover, I wanted the bitch too. I wanted the side of you that has strong opinions and differences. I wanted the fights and the arguments - they are opportunities for growth. I didn’t want a silky smooth, friction-free relationship. I wanted something real and always have. I wanted the raw you - the version of you I’ve been addicted to since the start. I know you can be abrasive and I liked that side of you.

Remember at the gardens when I took an unflattering picture of you and you hit me out of annoyance/frustration? I looked around quick, but there were people all around. I laughed things off with you. But really, I wanted to grab you then and there, push you down, and put you in your fucking place. I wanted you real fucking bad after that. It made me want to take a hold of you and fuck the living shit out of you. I always knew you had a real bitchy side to you and I always craved more of it. I wish we had more tension like that throughout. I wish you’d let that side of you out more. I love having a reason to treat you that way and I know you’d love being put in your place for it. I wish we’d fought more. I wish we’d had more tension. Perfect is too predictable. I like some friction now and again - it keeps things fun.

And at least then it was also very clear how you were feeling. No guessing games required. Because most of the time I had to constantly be both present with you in the moment while also being vigilant about working out what was and wasn’t going well, or what may trigger you into leaving. Because you couldn’t just do me the dignity of speaking honestly with me and risking some tension when in all reality it would have been so good for us.

Besides, you’re never gonna find someone that just gets you 100% without ever having to communicate. It’s toxic and self-sabotaging to believe that exists. And I'm sorry, but we had like 95% and I think that's a lot better than most. But I can’t be expected to know your every thought and feeling at all times so I work off of what you tell me because we’re both adults and I thought we both actually wanted this to work. Hell, one time you even told me "If there's ever anything wrong, I hope you'll tell me instead of just holding it in." I told you I hoped the same.

I trusted you would speak up about things that worried you. Whenever you did, like moving in, we discussed it and the conclusion of those conversations left me thinking we’d worked things out. I have texts from you that 100% confirm this and couldn’t be interpreted any other way. Literally you pitching and initiating ideas about moving in. Us talking about leases. This shit was explicit.

So when you said you felt “pushed” it just felt like a slap in the face. I was catering to your needs every step of the way and you knew what I wanted before this even started up again. I was listening to you and adapting. And you dare blame me? You know, you’ve NEVER taken any real accountability with how things turned out, when in actuality, you’re the reason things always ended. You chose to not share your doubts before they festered. I called you out on it "last October" and you told me that I was "right, and I wish I had said something, but I didn't and I'm sorry." Then you turned around and did it to me again this time. I even brought that up BEFORE we ever even met up. It's in a text I posted further down.

I took the blame for years, worked on myself tirelessly, and the truth is, you just didn’t want us to work. No amount of effort on my part was ever going to change things. And if anything it sets you up for the lazy bullshit answer of "You should be able to be yourself." I was and am. I am a realist - I don't expect to just fall into a perfect relationship. I expect to have to make changes and compromises. I don't mind doing those things for the right person and if I agree with the changes they need. None of the things I did took much effort (well, other than the body transformation), they were just things I needed to be made aware of. Simple as that.

There was literally no reason we shouldn’t have worked. There was nothing you’ve ever told me that couldn’t have been overcome and the proof is that every time you ever gave me an excuse for why you left, I worked on it, came back, and corrected for it. That’s why you always had a new line. Not to mention none of the break ups have ever felt justified - they all felt like really lame and poor excuses to break up something that seemed so serious one day, and something you can't get away from quick enough the next. That is such a wild swing. Usually there are signs someone is losing interest - you've never given any of those off. So every break up line sounded like excuses. That’s why I go on and on about how you’re just scared of commitment and vulnerability because what else could it be at this point? Not to mention, you even agreed with both those points a few times. None of this is out of pocket.

It felt like together we could BOTH have what we'd been searching for all our lives together. Someone who could match us and meet us where we are. Someone who’s the full package. You really think I proposed to you on a whim? I had been waiting years to do so. I knew way back when what I’d stumbled upon with you. I was waiting for you to be ready - to say I love you - you thought I already knew, I mean… I always FELT like you did, but you could never bring yourself to say it and make it real. But you knew you did way back when too. You held it in. For years. Why? What took you so long to finally admit it? In the kitchen poem, it literally reads like someone afraid of ruining what we have by chancing it on having what we really hope it could be. It reads like someone afraid to have something real, not someone questioning authenticity.

But yeah I asked you why things didn't work with him. You said a bunch of small things piled up. I asked you what you liked about that relationship. You told me you liked hanging out...? Well... it seemed like you liked hanging out with me too - except I never beat you, belittled you, cheated on you, kept a secret drug addiction from you, refused to do anything for you on holidays, constantly disrespect you, cheer on your downfall when you realized you didn't want to be a teacher, wedged myself between you and your family, take advantage of you, need you to take care of me because I lack any capacity to be a functional adult who can take care of himself, discourage you from being a doctor, stonewall you, control you, treat you like you're stupid, gaslight you, secretly keep pics of my exes from you - the one that they cheated on you with no less, make you distrust me so much that you need to have access to my phone, literally never lied to you, or any other bullshit.

I’m not bragging or anything. I mean NOT doing any of those things is actually quite easy and what most would consider the bare minimum. Most would not put up with any of that bullshit let alone ALL of it. Remind me again what I did so wrong compared to all that?

Anyway, after all you could tell me was that a bunch of “little things” piled up and you just liked hanging out - even though that’s what we’d do, and you’d use it against me sometimes (even though you sold yourself as an introverted homebody who likes reading, tv shows and movies, and when asked what you like to do would never have much to say beyond that - you literally told me once “Oh B, I’m boring. I like 90 Day and taking Macy to the park” thanks, that’s a lot to work off of to plan things. I was down for anything or nothing on my end - it wasn’t about what activity we took part in, I can do that with anyone, but I can’t love just anyone. It’s about who you’re with, not what you’re doing.) I finally told you what I thought. "Seems like the only thing he did was get to you first." I could see the lightbulb go off in your head. Your eyes gave that look when people have an epiphany or take on a new perspective. You finally saw it for yourself.

"I was so young." Was your response. Do you remember? I hope to hell you do. You need to truly see it for yourself and internalize it. You were preyed upon and shaped - some part of you clearly knows it. You need to fully confront that truth. It’s genuinely fucked up and I genuinely feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that happened. You didn’t deserve any of that. You are seriously such an incredible woman and I hope one day you see it for yourself and get what you truly deserve - and that ain’t it.

And that’s what sucks most of all, E. You are such an incredible person at your core. I know you don��t think so, but you are. You deserved someone who would help build up your sense of worth and love you the way you deserved. Not someone who was “drowning” in a pool of their own poison and their own piss because they’re a coward who’s too scared of the world and escape reality through coping with drugs. You deserved someone who could help you out of a bad situation, not push you further into one. It didn’t have to be this way.

How different things might have been had I met you first instead.

But you were right. You were so young. And he knew it. You were in over your head with a shithead who used you and was experienced in using people. You were his caretaker - it's quite clear from the poetry and especially the reddit posts. That wasn't a loving relationship - at all. There was no love to be found in any part of your stories. None. At all. Seriously, where was the romance? I’m not being arrogant, I swear. I’m asking as objectively as possible. Where was the romance? Where was the love?

It romanticized abuse and neglect, sure, but there was absolutely no love or romance to be found in your words.

Caring for the perennially wounded doesn’t mean we love them. Don’t mistake pity for love.

On that call from way back when, I could hear your voice trembling. I still remember it clearly even though it was a half-decade ago now. I could tell you were trying to hold back. I wish you hadn't. I wish you'd realized on your own that you were always safe with me. I wish that had ever meant anything to you. I wish you’d realize asking for help isn’t weak or soft and that none of that “weak/soft” shit even matters. It takes more strength to be vulnerable. Infinitely more strength to expose your true self and be able to trust others enough to lean on them. To trust yourself enough to just be true, authentic, and real, especially in the most vulnerable of moments. Telling you all this in the raw manner I am is true strength - you think it’s easy putting this all out there? It’s only pride that holds us back. And pride on that level is weakness.

And on the topic of weakness: Only the weakest and most pathetic men treat a woman the way he treated you. You don’t treat a woman you love the way he treated you. He barely treated you human. There was no love, no respect, no decency, no trust, no romance, no appreciation. It was rife with drugs, drama, struggle, put downs, fights, and disrespect. Is that all you think you’re worth? Is that what “feels right”?

On that call, I worried about you. But you downplayed every concern. I tried to suss things out, but you always held back with me. How I still knew...

I know you better than you give me credit for. I didn’t need to read all I did to know you. I figured most of it out when we first met. I knew you were troubled. I just didn’t know the details. I wish I had. But I’d read most the poetry from your eyes. They told me everything and now it’s wild how in retrospect, I was right about so much.

But still, I knew back then that something was wrong. But I didn't know the details. I wish you had told me. I would have done something then and there. I would have had a sense of urgency. I would have protected you. I would have made sure he never laid hands on you ever again.

And I think that's WHY you didn't tell me. Because you knew I would. I also think you felt ashamed.

I knew he was a piece of shit from the start. You literally told me he cheated on you, and had just overdosed after promising you he wouldn't. Again. and even though he’d broken your trust endlessly, even though he’d lie to you about everything from the gifts he never bought you, to the woman he’d cheat on you with, you believed his “promise” to choose you over drugs. You couldn’t even trust him to take a shit - it’s how you caught him with the Xanax the night he laid hands on you. Is that what feels right? Having to be paranoid about your partner’s phone use, where they are at any given time, what they’re doing in the fucking bathroom? Whether you can trust them after they endlessly betray you? Do you just need someone who is going to make you endlessly question your own worth? Sorry I let you know you’re perfect for me just how you are - flaws and all. Sorry I accepted you.

After we first met in February of 2018, I seriously thought, especially after how we connected, that he'd be history and you and I'd go on to be happy because it was a case of "when you know, you know" for me. I'd felt a click that couldn't be mistaken for anything else, and it did not feel one-sided in the least. And you acknowledged it all on your own in the "last October" era when you asked, "Is it crazy to think we probably would have been married and with kids by now if we never broke up all those years ago?"

After our time together, and how you described him as a cheater and drug addict, I couldn't believe you went back to... that. Still can't. It's just wild you chose that over us. I still cannot see what you got out of that relationship other than sadness, trauma, and degradation. He literally abused you, E. For years. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. The tragic irony is, he was the one who stabbed you in the back. Repeatedly. Hurt people truly hurt people - and you passed that cycle on to me instead of having the strength to end it. Don’t worry, I’m making damn sure I don’t pass it any further - though the trust issues you’ve left me with haven’t been easy to overcome. Fuck.

I just gotta remember that what you described has all the hallmarks of a legitimate trauma bond. You’re a literal victim and you deserve compassion. But you also deserve a reality check. Consider this message to be that. Maybe the armchair psychoanalysis is pure cope, but it's literally the only thing that comes close to making sense about all this. If you told ANYONE the unfiltered truth about your past relationship - or any of the others, and told them about me and all I’ve done for you, with you, and to you, I feel confident I would reign supreme. I feel confident that if you were objective and unbiased about things, people would tell you you’re crazy for walking away from this.

So in the spirit of the reality check, it was laughable that in the last texts we exchanged you told me that you were just young and dumb and that you learned from it when I "rehashed" things. Which btw, you can’t “rehash” something between people if they’ve never talked about it before. You just want to dodge and avoid everything. No growth. No accountability. No effort. That’s so you.

Get real for once.

First off, you're smart as fuck. One of the smartest I've met. Truly brilliant. You are too smart to use "young and dumb" as an excuse. Especially since it is OBVIOUS to ANYONE, smart OR dumb, that if someone cheats on you at any point - let alone 2 months into being with them - they're an untrustworthy, disrespectful, piece of shit. You shouldn't have to "learn" that lesson by living it out.

Secondly, your poetry is an admission that everything was all fucked up. You knew it wasn’t right or you wouldn’t have poured so much energy and emotion writing about how you wished this and wished that. How you chose wrong, or regretted him for this and that. You were trying to reach yourself. You were trying to find the courage within to leave. You knew you deserved better. The abusive conditioning kept you stuck and it was reinforced for years. Read into the effects of abuse and trauma. It literally changes the pathways in your brain. You’re up against more than just your thoughts. You’re up against neurochemistry and we’re all slaves to our reward systems.

I mean this objectively: The only poems you wrote that had anything resembling love, romance, and connection were the ones about February boy. I'm not being arrogant - it's simply the truth. All the other poems were about how you wish things were different, how disappointed and hurt you were, how you couldn't save him, how he is some sad misunderstood guy - which by the way, he's not, he's actually about as 2-dimensional as they come from the sounds of everything, wild how depthless the drowning boy was. Drowned in the kiddie pool and probably pissed in it too. In your words he was a lying, cheating, abusive, drug-addicted loser with nothing to offer. Your poetry was a monument to his failures as a lover, devoid of romance, and full of hate and abuse, and the reddit posts were the works cited. They read like they came from an abuse victim trying to rationalize her situation. It was genuinely heartbreaking to read - I literally wept for you reading that shit - especially having the unique perspective of knowing most of the backstory and context. Especially having the knowledge that those stories overlapped with our experiences and that I was treating you better in the short bursts we’d have together than he would treat you in literal years - and honestly, of what I know now, I truly believe no man you’ve been with has treated you as well as me, and honestly, knowing myself, none ever will either. You deserved better. So much better. But what’s worse is, better was always just a text or call away. You didn’t want better.

I’d shown how you should have been treated all along, and all it took was a week together. You acknowledged it secretly in your poetry back then, and you acknowledged it by coming back all those times since. I was your safe harbor. I made you feel safe. I will forever be proud that I made you feel safe with me - it's clearly not something you feel with many and probably unnerving when you’ve always had to be protective of yourself. Hell you’ve been traumatized so severely that healthy love “doesnt feel right” to you, allegedly, even though I’ve got a mountain of evidence to the contrary. You’re not used to feeling safe like that. You’re left waiting for the other shoe to drop. At a certain point you just wish it would drop. Because you’re afraid the moment you do let your guard down, that’s when shit will hit the fan. That is when my “mask” Will drop and you’ll already be too far in to get out. Because he used everything against you, didn’t he? He would turn all your vulnerabilities against you. He would use anything he could to hurt you. Hurting you was the point. Hurting you kept you complacent, loyal, and stuck. Hurting you kept you trying to be worthy of not being hurt. Hurting you kept you trying to make the hurt stop. See it for yourself if you haven’t already.

Finally, back in the "last October" era, you told me that you had been with him again in March of that year. So clearly, despite his abuses, he still had a hold on you - and likely still does. I mean, I read the poems. So it’s incredibly disingenuous how you said he was a lesson and you were just young and dumb. You clearly didnt learn much of anything, and besides, no one should need to have lived out any of that bullshit you put up with and went through - FOR YEARS - to know it’s not right and they deserve better. If he was (and is) still in your life, then you still haven’t learned yet. That asshole should have absolutely no access to you. You chose the wrong boy, again. You closed off the wrong boy. I am literally trying to wake you the fuck up to the reality of things. But I saw how you responded in the Reddit posts. You will literally ignore reality and search for confirmation biases that support your hopes - that he’s just a good guy in bad circumstances. He’s not. He’s an irredeemable toxic asshole who robbed you of your youth, left scars on your heart, broke you down mentally and emotionally, made you question your worth, and left you with more baggage than an airport check-in. If you hate me for all I have to say about him then so be it. But you’ll always know deep down I’m right across the board. But hey, you also know it for yourself:

The drowning boy stopped drowning and you swam back home together but never forgot the taste of salt down your throat and in your eyes and he never stopped using it against you. August boy

August 7th, 2022, 10:50 PM

This is proof it was never the drugs he was drowning in. It’s just who he is at his core. You wrote that as you came running to me - we started reconnecting around this time and eventually meeting up. You never came to me ready for anything real. It was always as a rebound. Always just getting out of something else. We never had a real chance. You were always just using me to either get over them, or buy time til you were ready to go fuck yourself up some more. That’s what happened this last time too. You told me that your friends thought you were getting with me way too soon after your last thing. I’d hoped you’d tell me more. I didn’t want to have to ask. I wanted to know more, but honestly, I wanted to focus more on us and the fact we were together after all we’d been through to get back. I didn’t want to spoil things between us by worrying about your past. I didn’t care about your past - I just cared about our present. But I should have inquired.

Then one day after being out, we were laying in my bed. You wanted to show me something on your phone. You had a lot of text messages. I wasn’t gonna ask cause I trusted you. But you got defensive without me ever saying a word. I remember the message count. 77 messages. You started saying “Ohh that’s just… solicitors and debt collectors.” Hmmm strange. 77 messages from solicitors and debt collectors? And weird how defensive you got over it. The red flags were flying up quick. I didn’t say anything to you. You also were putting your phone face down suddenly when before you were leaving it face up.

Idk if you remember, but one day after we ate at the sandwich shop you introduced me to, I asked you about your credit score, your debts, your student loans. I asked you how much you owed. You told me 40-45k. I asked you about credit cards and other stuff. I asked you all this because I was trying to connect the dots on the “solicitors and debt collectors” bullshit line you tried to feed me. Then that earthquake hit your family’s country. You shared a screenshot of a conversation between you and your mom. But up in the top-left I saw your message count. Wild how quickly that 77 quickly dropped. You said you were ignoring them. But now your messages were read.

So clearly you were talking to someone else. Lying to me the whole fucking time. Using me. Incapable of being alone. That’s why you leave so suddenly and coldly. Because you ditched me for someone else. It’s also why you’re so short and annoyed when I come to you. Because you got what you wanted and I was just a safe harbor one more time for you. I don’t know how you could do that to someone. I literally don’t understand why you talked about marriage so much with me and kept talking about it and PUSHING things forward with me in that direction if you knew you weren’t serious. You knew I was. I left no room for misinterpretation. Why did you fucking do that to me?

I swear to fucking god if it’s with that useless pile of shit, pathetic fucking pin cushion, lab rat, closeted air mattress loser of a landscaper that managed to “drown” on dry land and can’t grow a garden, I will buy you both the nicest fucking knife set I can find, and you can use each other as the block.

I remember back then, in 2022, you told me how when you were talking about how you would graduate from nursing school, his first thought wasn’t excitement or to be proud of you, or anything like that. It was how it could benefit him. “You could get us a place again once you’re a nurse, a nice place this time” that’s what you told me of him, in your little mocking voice you’d always use with him that made him sound like he had a room temperature IQ, and was likely an accurate impersonation. I remember telling you that he sounds like a child who needs his mom to take care of him. You turned your gaze down. I was way more accurate than I ever could have realized at the time. And even some people in the Reddit comments picked up on that from your own stories, calling your relationship out with “mother/son vibes.” It was gross, and worse is the fact of the ages. He was like a kid, but he was the adult by age. You had to step up at every turn to take care of the baby that was shitting and throwing up on himself. You took care of a manchild. You outgrew him a long time ago. He’s never been able to keep up, so he’s had to drag you down. Like crabs in a pot.

You also mentioned where you are now, back then. Like a year before you ended up there, you were already considering living there. Then you said you were moving in there after we’d talked about getting a place of our own. AFTER. Then you tried to gaslight me into believing you’d brought it up before. You didn’t. In fact I have MANY texts from you talking about how excited you were to get a place with me - together, us, we.

I think I knew deep down that this was over then and there but I ignored it because I’m an idiot blinded by love too. I always thought that location was such an odd place to pick. It’s so random without some reason to be there. You even told me there’s not a whole lot there other than a bike trail. You were adamant about being there though instead of the place 10 minutes away from your work and with your fiancé though… instead of a place that you said there’s a lot to do around there, and a lot of good food, etc. hmmm…

You had posts in 2023 that clearly were referring to him. Unbelievable you would ever still associate with that piece of shit after he laid hands on you. Hurting you was the point - don’t you get that? He literally wanted to ruin your reputation and end your prospects for a career at one point by faking a fucking DV. All because you dumped his precious drugs he uses to cope with his reality. Now he wants to USE you and your newfound career for his own gain. He belittled you when you were a teacher, he wanted to ruin your life over drugs, he was unsupportive of your dreams of being a doctor because it might interfere with his neediness, and now that you’re a nurse he wants you to work for him so you can give him a nice place.

He would have traded your whole life for his hour of coping. Reminder: He grabbed you so hard you thought your arm was broken. Why would you ever let someone like that remain in your life? But I'm the bad guy? I'm the one shut out? Why? Because I dare question any of this? Because I actually want to talk shit out? Make things work? Hold you accountable? Oh better run! Run from accountability and growth. Run from the guy capable of being supportive. “Doesn’t feel right” The tragic irony is, you wouldn't know a good man if he slapped you across the face. But had he, you’d probably want him more.

Way back when, I wrote you a poem. Sent you flowers. Tried to make you feel special. Glad to know I succeeded. He couldn't even mix you up some instant mix pancakes for your birthday. Because he didn't want to. He didn't care to. He didn't care about you or your needs. He didn't give a fucking shit about you. He didn’t care about your feelings. He took and took and took from you and all he gave you was trauma, the gift that keeps on giving. That’s just who he is and even once he “stopped drowning” he was still that same asshole. The evidence was all around you. Hell the evidence was in every birthday - why you ever let him "celebrate" more than one with you is beyond me - you were the third wheel on a drug-deal date that YOU drove him to on your own birthday. He couldn't get you anything, but he could always treat himself to another hit. He had YEARS with you to do... anything. He did nothing. I made every time together with you count. It's honestly sad I showed more affection for you in a week than he could in literally years.

He had every possible advantage to keep himself in your life. He had proximity and constant exposure to one another - which in all truth seem to be the only thing he had (and needed) - he had age, he had you catering to him and taking care of him, allowing him to be stress and worry free. It’s gotta be easy to have fun when you have no responsibilities. He was on easy-mode and still fucking up. It’s like it was all he was capable of.

I knew you for a week yet it felt like we knew each other forever. Our connection was instantaneous, deep, and real. You're literally the only person I've met in these last handful of years that I've experienced that with - and from what I could tell by the poetry, and even you directly addressing it when we first started reconnecting last time (and many other times over the years) - it's the same for you. I revered what we had for the longest time. But now I'm on the level with you about all this.

When you were scared you ran to me. When you needed help you ran to me. When you were lonely you ran to me. When you were abandoned you ran to me. Learn the value of someone who is consistent. Learn the value of someone who actually gives a fuck about you and is reliable. Supportive. Resilient. I am proud of how I showed up for you across all the years, despite how you always ended up treating me in the end - I didn't deserve any of it. I know I was good to you. Always.

Never forget who took initiative to fix your car visor just cause they wanted to make your life a little better - I hope you think of me every time you use it. Why did no other guy you were with in that time do that for you? When you were sick, I made you soup and wanted you with me - I didn’t care if I got sick. I’d rather take care of you anyway. When you were sick with him he’d tell you to keep your distance and not look at him when you speak. He’d turn away when you went to kiss him. What a bitch. And in the Reddit posts you mentioned wanting to go ice skating way back then. Never forget who finally took you. I know it wasn’t how you imagined, but I still enjoyed our time - you looked good in those wolf socks if nothing else.

And never forget who you’d call when his abuses had you rattled from mistreatment. Never forget who’d be your safe harbor when others showed you their true colors. Never forget who showed you their true colors from the start and never strayed from who they were the first day to the last. You knew you couldn’t call anyone when your couch was stuck - you were so proud of how you moved out on your own, but suddenly you needed help. Who did you turn to? Who was there for you? Damn right. It was me. And not being able to turn to anyone, and being soooooo “independent” isn’t the flex you think it is - but hey, I had to learn that one the hard way too. There’s something beautiful about knowing there’s someone in this lonely world that cares enough about you to make you a priority, and make you feel a little less alone. But you never saw it that way.

Never forget who always had your back no matter how many times you stabbed him in his. Never forget who always put his pride aside and would forgive you in hopes you’d finally appreciate what the two of you had.

I am proud that I was able to be your north star when you felt lost. I am proud that I showed you a different kind of love from what you knew. I am proud that I once was able to forgive you, no matter how hurt I felt. I am proud that I could still love after being betrayed - that I didn't let it stop me, like you did. I’m proud I went for what I wanted. I’m proud I knelt before you and let you know I loved you and wanted to give you everything I could. I’m proud I let you know I always loved you and cared about you, proud of the depth I was willing to give it. I’m proud I never hesitated with you or held back. I’m proud of who I showed up as, consistently, every time. You may see it as being soft, but you oughta know better by now how incredibly hard it is to speak your heart and mind to someone so nakedly. Why do you think you preferred screaming your heart into the void instead of letting it be known? Why do you think you truly deleted your anthology once it’d been seen? You can hate me all you want and blame me too, but it isn’t the truth. If you were being honest with yourself, you’d admit the real reason you deleted it is because someone meaningful to you found out a side of you that you never thought they would. You felt exposed. Newsflash, you were exactly who I always thought you were. Who you come across as in the poetry is who I fell in love with. I’ve loved you BECAUSE you’re a deeply introspective, tragically all-too-human, beautiful, well-spoken, flawed, complex, layered, brilliant woman. You never realized it but that’s who I fell in love with all those years ago. And you talked so much about your fear that people change, but since I’ve met you, you’ve always been that lovely in my eyes, and you earned the way I saw you. I just wish you’d ever been able to see me for who I am. I’ve always felt like you saw me as Mr. Make Believe. I always felt I had to be perfect to keep you around. Because it always felt like one false move and you’d use it as an excuse to flee. I was never given the chance to be fully human. To be flawed and accepted. It’s exceedingly disheartening to see how much you’d put up with from someone who clearly didn’t care about your heart, and how little you’d try with someone who absolutely cherished and adored you.

But hey, it "didn’t feel right" to you, which I could contest vehemently with your own words, but I know in my heart that I treated you right and loved you without fear. You said this “isn’t what you want” and that this “doesn’t work for you”. Funny, you literally said this will work if we let it and that this is what you want, multiple times. Never led me to believe anything otherwise. I literally asked you “have you thought about what you want this time?” Before we ever even met up. You told me “I have thought about WHAT I WANT…” then proceeded to tell me EXACTLY what I ended up giving you. Seems like the only mistake I really made was actually giving you what you said you wanted. I should have worked you like a fucking dog to get it. That’d probably feel right, be what you wanted, and work for you without feeling “pushed”. So fuck you saying you don’t want this and doesn’t work for you. You were getting everything you asked for and then some. It was easy between us - your words, not mine. Choke on them. I know how much you like having something shoved down your throat.

I never shied away from difficult conversations, or from letting myself get close to you even when I knew it’d probably push you away. I could have played you, easily, and just pretended to care a whole lot less than I really do. I could have said “no” more often. I knew what buttons to press - I’d done it before with you and you never even noticed you were being played, but you sure did love it - but I respected you and myself enough to not play those grade school games. And honestly, I thought you’d outgrow that high school bullshit. I may not know much, but I do know what good love is. I gave you that and I know it in my heart, in my gut. I know it with every fiber of my fucking being. I don’t give a single fuck if you can see it or not, but it’s a serious god damn shame if you can’t. Oh well, guess it doesn’t matter. Even if you could see it, it wouldnt mean much. You think you gotta work for love. You treat love like it’s a carrot on a stick and that having someone dangle the prize before you is romance. That’s seriously your idea of love. God you need serious help. You don’t even love yourself.

You were never pushed - you wanted this until it got too real. We’re past the age of letting our feelings decide for us - you’re closer to 30 than 20 now, manage and regulate your feelings some. It’s not like you got blindsided by them - that’d be a little more understandable. And make no mistake, it was a choice to love you on my end too. You think it was ever easy taking you back? Did you think I just came back effortlessly? Did you ever think of how much I had to forgive to allow you back into my life? The work it takes to do that after someone up and abandons you time and again? What happened in those many silences you forced upon us? If you only knew…

I take solace though. After reading your poetry, and the reddit posts, and everything I know about you, it’s left me with no doubt and I'm proud to know I'm the only man that ever genuinely loved you and chose you every time. Who had your back without question. You walked away from that. Now what are you left with? Lying, cheating, abusive, drug addicts, unfaithful pigs, people you described as misogynists, the illusion of endless “options,” (which just leaves you with indecision), and a fear of love - hell I’m pretty sure you don’t even know what love even is. You might know your lines, but you can’t hit your mark.

I showed you compassion, understanding, patience, support, white hot passion, and love. It wasn’t good enough for you. It “didn’t feel right” and you felt “pushed” after 6 years of talking about having the very thing you felt “pushed” into with me. Even though you proceeded with things even after I showed you these were more than just words to me. Haven’t I proven enough by now I only say what I mean? I know you’re not used to it, but I figured you’d at least know it was true with me by now.

And don’t tell me this message and intensity and all that is crazy. I look sane compared to what you endured with him. My choices look well reasoned compared to the choices you’ve made. We at least loved each other back. Is any of this honestly crazier than harboring deep feelings for someone for SIX FUCKING YEARS before you could say THREE LITTLE WORDS. No, holding something like that in your heart is betrayal of the highest form. It’s worse than getting cheated on. It’s betraying yourself. Stopping yourself from having what the poetry made quite clear you deserved, and it keeps you stuck in something that you didn’t deserve, which the many many many poems musing on your regrets demonstrably proved - IN YOUR OWN WORDS. You let our love rot because you decided to keep investing in a sinkhole. You let what could have been, become what never will be. Fuck you for that. Fuck you for an eternity for that.

If you dare think any of this is mean, or this makes me an asshole, think again. First off, I think anyone who knew both sides of this story would tell me this is long overdue. You told me you want me to respect you… what an insult. I have always respected you all this time while you’ve endlessly disrespected me time and time again with your sudden and unexplained departures to go lay with a junkie. You disrespected me every time you ever led me on to believe you not only wanted that future with me that we always talked about, but that you were willing to fight for it. Because you knew I loved you and I actually would fight for that future - I was fully invested in US. I wanted us to succeed - you ensured our failure. Every time. You disrespected me and us and my time by never trying to work on things with me and instead just ditching me without any effort. You blindsided me every time. You never let on anything was wrong. You never gave us a real chance. So you need to realize that how you’re being spoke to is the level of respect you’ve earned.

Secondly, this ain’t nothing, believe me - I’ve heard and said worse to and from better.

Thirdly, almost every argument made against you is based in part or in whole on YOUR OWN WORDS. So don’t get mad at me, you set this whole fiasco up! Don’t hate me for having a memory for what you told me - go check the girl in the mirror. And lastly, there is quite literally NOTHING I could possibly say to you that was ever worse than how he treated you, what he said to you, his endless inactions, his endless abuses. He was the fucking worst. Bar none. The only thing he did was set the bar so low that literally no one would ever be able to stoop as low as him. They’d have to be as spineless as him to get under it. A real fucking worm like his spirit animal.

And if you dare try to say that this is hate, like you said about the Reddit posts, then go back and read it again. Work on your emotional intelligence if that’s the only conclusion you come to.

That was so sad to read your response. "I'm sorry. I'm not use[d] to it"

You're not used to someone that would actually listen to you in those moments. You're not used to someone who actually would give a fuck about what you have to say. You're not used to having your words matter. Silence is a learned behavior because your words never mattered anyway. It’s probably why you wrote into the void and felt a shame about your poetry and who you really are. When we’re not heard, we feel like our very being is being rejected. I always felt that way with your silences. It’s funny too, this time there’s no going back, but I don’t care about your silence - I saw what I needed to. I know you still think of me in your silence. A lot. All the other times I held onto hope, but felt like you never thought of me. Funny how that shit works. He knew all this. He would literally use silence as a weapon against you. Keep you in the dark. Put you in time out and close you off. Use it to control you and retain power in the relationship. That's not normal, and it's not love.

You words mattered. Well, they did to me. Your words meant everything. I just wish they had counted for more.

If that text exchange isn't proof enough as to why the good thing between us "didn't feel right" to you then I don't know what is. You literally demonstrate, by your own admission, that you're NOT USED TO mattering. Your version of normal is the opposite of that. What you're saying is that you're used to nothing mattering, so why even bother? And it happened again when you suddenly ended things with me last September.

You're not used to someone actually caring about your side of the story, or what you're thinking, or what you're feeling. And I stand by every single word in this exchange. In fact, I stand by ALL my words. And believe me, I could make another super-long post about our exchanges too, and have half a mind to peck away at one.

I hate that the lessons they taught you get used on me. Those lessons DON'T APPLY TO ME. Those lessons were solely to teach you to get away from THEM. They showed you time and again they can't and won't change. I've proven time and again I'm more than capable of change that I both believe in and agree with. Because speaking of Reddit, you saw my post. You know what's really sad? You can read my posts from 2023 and they could easily be copy + pasted and apply to the last time around. No wonder you don't think it's worth even bothering and that people never change. You haven't.

And how you ended things with me this time, how you just shut down and pushed me away, how you went cold and offered no explanation, how you made no efforts to work things out. THAT was EXACTLY what I was talking about in that exchange. In fact, most of the exchanges back then are still relevant now. You have a clear pattern and I was sussing it out. Remember when we talked about “vetting” each other? I was drawing from our past the whole time and history repeated itself on your end. At least I’ve made changes. What have you done? You still shut down, didn’t try, didn’t explain, just ran and iced me out. You ENSURED our downfall. You FORCED it. Then you try to say it didn’t feel right? Seemed to feel pretty fucking good for you when I made you cum just a week before. Seemed to feel pretty fucking good when you were telling me how you want to get off birth control secretly and have my babies. Seemed to feel pretty fucking good when you said “Yes” we got the picture proof.

Your reasons for ending are always indefensible - it’s why you don’t even bother. You know it. I know it. But what you don’t seem to know is why you really leave. Even if it’s for someone else, why would you honestly choose them over us? I know I was good to you and I know we were good together. Your confessions more than prove it. And I know we click harder than most people ever get a chance to experience. We’ve never struggled to connect and talk. The attraction was clearly there. And I was down for ANYTHING so we had plenty in common and to do. I took you places you’d never been here in all your time here, and had plenty more ready to go see and do with you. You cancelled bowling, beach, and karaoke on us. I would have done all three this time around. I’m pissed we didn’t get to the beach together. I wanted to just stare at you while you catch rays and read. That’s my idea of a perfect fucking day.

So I feel confident that it’s hard to replace or recreate that kind of connection. So it just leaves me wondering - why do you really leave? It truly did feel like we had it all and it didn’t feel one sided. Whatever was wrong, I would have addressed with you. I know for a fact we didn’t have anything that was irreconcilable or irreparable. And again, there’s a clear pattern: you always leave when we’re about to get closer. As close as close can get. You said you felt pushed but you were also talking about moving in. I was cognizant of our pacing and your participation the whole time and was constantly checking in on you. Again, it’s in writing. You said you felt like you should be living with your fiancé and said you wanted to move in together. Last time around you told me “I kind of like the accelerator side of you” and that was after you left me because we were going too fast in your opinion. You always give these major major mixed signals and then get mad at me for not knowing if you want to go left or right and then just leave in what seems like the fear of all those things we talked about, about to happen. And honestly, I know I’ve been consistent over the years too. What would taking things any slower really reveal to you? You seriously were just waiting for the other shoe to drop - cause there’s always a shoe that drops, right? Sorry, but I’m way more stable than that. I’ve got my feet planted firmly on the ground. My shoes weren’t going anywhere my feet didn’t take them.

Who I presented to you as is more or less who I am. I didn’t have any dark secret waiting to spring on you. I always just tried to treat you well because I liked you and I hoped that’d be enough. I wasn’t giving you my “best” self, I was giving you my real self. So it’s wild you still felt this was going too fast and you were being pushed because I know in my heart I gave you enough to work with over all those years to know who I am. I do regret it in many ways though. I have had the same time to know you as well. I knew you were skittish and I really WAS always cognizant of your past. I rushed things because there was something missing for me: a sense of security between us. I wanted us together first and foremost because I love how everything feels with you. I wanted that every day. But it would have served another purpose: knowing you really meant everything you said. Because you’d be there every day proving those words true. Being there and in it with me. You always left me no matter how good things seemed - so how can I even tell how things are going when the stability of our relationship is so unpredictable? It creates a fear of abandonment in me that I’ve never had with anyone else.

And I feel like you only thought of the nightmare scenarios - and those arose from your past, not from me. So I felt helpless to do anything about it because I wasn’t up against anything I had anything to do with. I didn’t want to rob you of your freedom or smother you. I have long known you’re an introvert. I mean come on, you love books and shows and movies. All of those are things that shift the focus away from interacting with one another unless it’s to cuddle or whatever. And that’s fine - I didn’t wanna change you or any of that. I wanted to read some books and watch some stuff together - I was actually really excited about both. I just wanted you around. To know you were there. To have that every day. I just wanted to start and end each day together. Go on a few dates, fuck, make some meals together, watch some shows, hang out, plan trips. Pretty normal but fulfilling stuff. Honestly, did you ever have a bad time with me? Seriously ask yourself.

And I don’t mean like now in the aftermath of things - I still contend I have every right to be bitter and angry given how coldly you ended such a serious commitment with me - but I mean when we were together. Did you ever really not enjoy my company? I enjoyed every moment with you. I cannot think of a single time I didn’t enjoy with you by my side. It’s why I wanted a lifetime with you. I never had a bad time with you - at least when we were actually together. I hope you didn’t with me either.

When I wrote those texts to you, I was reliving your last breakup with me and how out of the blue it felt. How... unfair it all felt. It felt unjustified. And so did this one. And in all honesty... they all did. It felt like you always just gave up. No effort to make things work. No effort to let us grow. And the people you’d go back to… I swear to god I’m not judging you. I don’t care if they were junkies or cops or accountants or janitors or someone you met on Tik Tok or any of that bullshit. I genuinely don’t care - I got my own past, who am I to judge? And beyond that - if you’re with me, why would I care about them? I never have and still don’t care who you were with or what you did, or how much you did or didn’t enjoy them. Seriously I didnt care then and I don’t care now. But it does hurt knowing how well we clicked, the fact you agree, the fact you wrote about us in private which says you really enjoyed us, and then have you tell me that you went back to a guy who cheated on you, or got with some guy who cheated on his wife to be with you, or all these people who were clearly awful and VERY CLEARLY it could never work out with. I mean, really, you gave your all to your ex for YEARS as he just took you for granted every step of the way, abused you every chance he got, and what did it amount to? And if your relationship with someone starts with an affair, how do you think it’s gonna end? Imagine if you put even a quarter of the effort you put in with your ex into us. Can you seriously tell me you gave all you could in our relationships? I saw how much effort you put in with him - it was all of the effort. It hurts because I know those people were unfulfilling - and you could have had something far more fulfilling with me. A fulfilling relationship shouldn’t leave you feeling lonely. A fulfilling relationship shouldn’t include infidelity. A full filling relationship should have reciprocation - he couldn’t even make you pancakes for your birthday - idc how annoying that is to keep bringing up, it’s just the perfect encapsulation of how fucking pathetic he truly was. And I don’t know why you kept choosing to go have those cheap thrills over building something real with someone you clearly connect with. I feel like we barely scratched the surface on what this could be.

Now I realize it was likely because you didn't want us to work out because either you were still holding onto hope that the most hopeless guy ever would suddenly be that good man he always promised to be, but has no clue how to, or because you’ve never known a healthy and successful relationship and you’re scared to death that things might actually work - but that you will inevitably fuck it up somehow, or I will leave you because I make some discovery about you, or you aren’t good enough. You definitely give off low self-esteem vibes here and there. Just know if it’s the former, the man you always wished he could be, I always was. And if it’s the latter, just know, I’ve always loved who you are - flaws and all. I never fell in love with you because I only saw the good bits. I fell in love with you because I saw the whole. I saw you. And I love you.

So don't get it twisted, none of this is hate, this is righteous indignation - there is a complete absence of hate for you here. I definitely hate your shitty ex though. I hate how he treated you and I hate he inflicted himself upon you. I hate that he left you with so many insecurities and fears.

I have every right to be angry with how you led me on and then suddenly vanished without any effort or explanation. You pulled the rug out from under me. You led us down a path of matrimony and then tripped me on the way to the altar and ran. But never fool yourself into thinking you got pushed. You wanted that ring. You. When you first returned I asked you if you had thought about what you wanted this time around. You told me “I have thought about it… I want the same thing in theory. A husband, kids, a home… I know you’d make a great husband… That isn’t something I’m worried about.” That was ALL YOU. I asked you what you wanted, I never thrust it upon you. We had a LOT of talk before I ever popped the question because I wanted to be 100% sure. Even right before I bent the knee I asked you, “You sure you wanna spend the rest of your life with me?” You gave me a very convincing and enthusiastic “Yes! Of course I do, I love you.” And then I said “Alright, let’s find out.” Got down on one knee, pulled out that telltale sea foam green box, and asked for your hand. You gave me an even more convincing and enthusiastic “Yes!” I still think of it as a happy memory. I regret nothing.

But I made it a point to not lead this time. I decided - long before we ever reconnected - that I was going to let YOU lead us this time around specifically because I didn’t want you feeling pushed or pressured. I only worked off of what you told me.

Six years. Three words. After waiting that long to say “I love you” to one another, the words are going to carry some serious weight. I mean, have you told anyone the truth of that moment? How long it took for you to say? The poetry? How you wanted to love me out loud for once? How you harbored your true feelings for me for years? I’m glad you finally braved up and said it to my face. We earned that moment and those words meant everything to me then. They still matter to me now even if you never say them again. We deserved to love each other openly for once. It was always there even if it was never spoken but god does it ever feel so good to look someone you love in the eyes and just tell them. I’ve only told 2 other girls I love them. I don’t say it unless I mean it. After six years of waiting, I don’t think you do, either.

I swear I’m still processing them… maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go. It took six years for you to work up the courage to say something you felt for much longer. But that’s why I proposed so quickly. Things were going so incredibly well between us, we’d finally expressed our love for one another after 6 years of it being ragingly palpable, we were being open and honest (or so I thought), and having a great time together, we’d been talking about marriage and moving in and making up for lost time, and when we finally broke that wall down I wanted it to be once and for all. I felt like I’d let you slip through my fingers so many times before. I wasn’t going to lose you again. I knew what I had to do - so I did it. The very next day I went and bought that ring that you’d known about from the email. While you were at work, I was at Tiffany’s. I was nervous as all hell about the next day at the garden. You have no idea just how nervous I really was. I stay calm and cool under pressure. Even really close calls like crashes, or fights. Guess proposals make the list now too. But inside I was anxious. I had no clue how this would go. But I needed to find out. I knew I’d loved you for quite some time. I felt like I was always just waiting for you to be ready. All I knew was that I loved how we meshed and I wanted that for life. So I went for it.

And I’ll never regret letting you know I loved you enough to try and keep you in my life for life.

But it was a very serious commitment and I know you must have entertained it a few times over the years and while we were together last. If you wanted to leave, well, that sucks. But that’s never been the issue. It’s how you choose to end things. Suddenly, with no chance to make anything right. No effort on your part to make things work or to make it more what you need it to be. You just unceremoniously end things without giving me a voice, a chance, or even an explanation. You worry it will force things, you think things should just “work” well we did work seamlessly in all the major ways. It was just some specifics that could have easily been tuned to your liking without it being forced - it would have just been making me AWARE. I have every right to be angry that you ended things how you did. It was undignified. I didn’t deserve that, E. And we didn’t deserve that either - we deserved a real chance to make this work. You walked instead of even trying.

We could have made things work.

And honestly, it’d be one thing if you left me for someone better - good luck with that - but you went back to gutter trash that treated you like shit, disrespected you, betrayed you, kept you in the dark about their marital status, were misogynists in your words. You went back to cheaters, and liars, and assholes. You went back to people you were fundamentally incompatible with at every turn. Guess that’s what “feels right” though. Guess that “worked” for you.

But seriously, if you think any of this is “hate” believe me it’s not. You haven’t ever seen hate out of me. Hate would go beyond words. Underpinning every bit of this monologue is a love and care. You wanna know what hate looks like? He showed you. On the daily and for years. Because if that’s love, then what is hate?

You wanna know what disrespect is? It’s all the cheaters and unfaithful affairs. Everyone else taught you something shitty. I saw in your own words I taught you a new kind of love. Who’s the bad guy?

Yeah, I might sound unhinged or whatever but this is tame compared to what that asshole put you through. You’ll never see it that way though. You’ve forgiven him 100 times for things 1000 times worse, but you’ll never be able to forgive me for calling you on all of it. Because somehow that’s worse than hitting you, grabbing you, cheating on you over and over, leeching off you, wasting your time, belittling you, lying to you, ignoring you, trying to ruin your entire livelihood, and abusing you.

I really do wish you the best. I really do want you to be happy. But I know I did a fine job of making you happy and whether you can ever admit it again or not, just like how you left me to just have to “know” you loved me all this time, I just know I made you feel happy and loved whenever you were with me. It’d be a damn shame if you ever had to have that everyday in your life. Someone who actually gives a fuck about you? Makes every effort to show you they care? That they love you? Can you imagine? That’d be horrible.

I have never in my life felt bad for the person leaving me. In the past I always blamed myself quite harshly and worked incredibly hard to learn from it and do something about it. But this time, I feel bad for you. For giving up on us. For giving up on the only consistent and reliable person you’ve been with. For giving up on someone who clearly would have had your back through thick and thin. And for what? You could have grown that garden by now, but you’re deep in the weeds. Worst of all is that you know it too. But where I took every loss as a lesson, you’ll never learn anything. I called it last time around in 2022 when you left me.

And it has happened again and again. Even by your own admission. Even by your own words.

You fucked up and only pushed yourself further from happiness. You told me you’re happy - I am genuinely happy to hear it. Your happiness is all I ever cared about. But one day you’re going to realize that you weren’t truly happy at all - just content - until you finally had something real with someone that had a real hope for a future. We could have had that, but you just couldn’t see it for yourself.

And because of that, I genuinely feel worse for you than I do myself. It’s so clear that you genuinely don’t even know what you’re denying yourself of. I have never felt worse for the person leaving me during a breakup. Ever. Not even any of the previous ones between us. For once in my life I truly do believe it’s your loss and you’re so bad at valuing people that you don’t even know what you’re losing. Like some idiot on antiques roadshow who wiped his feet on a copy of the constitution or something. But hey, you clearly disagree. Apparently all that love I felt between us wasn’t enough - because you didn’t feel right. Could have fooled me. Could have fooled anyone. But you haven’t convinced me in the least that you left for any reason of substance. It seems like you only left because you’re so fucked up from your past - or that your past came back to haunt you.

You get in your own way for no good reason other than you’re scared of making the wrong choice, even when the best choice is abundantly clear. You’re indecisive and we’ve talked about it before many times. The one coming to mind right now… Before you clicked up with me “last October” we had a call. On it, I told you I understood you leaving and how difficult it is to make such a big decision of who to spend your life with. “Who you marry is the biggest decision of our lives. It definitely deserves consideration!” You told me you loved what I told you on that call. I didnt fault you for wanting to see what’s out there. And truth be told, I was always confident you’d never find anyone as good as me. That you could click with someone the way you can with me. It didn’t make it any less confusing as to WHY you wanted to keep looking, but I did get it and I didn’t hold it against you.

But I do now.

We had something great. The choice should have been easy. And whatever was missing, we could have worked on and grown together - that’s what successful relationships do. It’s basic communication. Having to voice your needs is healthy. Expecting your partner to read your mind is toxic. I’m not Mr. Make Believe. My love for you was real and always has been. Abuse isn’t romantic and it isn’t love. Scott didn’t love you - it was the opposite. His actions made that abundantly clear, and often. He doesn’t have the capacity to love. He didn’t want you - he needed you, and you know the difference. It’s better to want someone than need them. What’s worse is he needed you for all the wrong reasons: because you could take care of him, be responsible for him, and let him have all the benefits of a good woman by his side without ever having to show up as a good man in return. Calling him a boy wasn’t poetic, it was accurate. He needed you like a parasite needs a host. He never needed you because being without you was an ache in his heart - he stonewalled you countless times, he didn’t care if you were around or not - he needed you because you were a means to an end. The only thing he has routinely proven is how careless he is with your heart, how apathetic he is to your feelings, how little you mean to him if you don’t serve his needs, how little he actually knows or cares about you, and how easy it is for him to choose literally anything else over you. He has a long history of mistreating and abusing you. He couldn’t even make you pancakes - that is seriously the most pathetic thing ever - my little nephew could make them - he couldn’t take the 10 minutes to just show you the scantest of appreciation on your birthday. I made you soup from scratch when you were sick. He literally cared so little about what you want, even if he could easily provide it, that he refused to do something simple and special for you even on your own birthday. That’s your idea of the perfect man? He fucking sucks. Raise your standards. I can’t believe you fooled yourself into thinking you loved him. You were a plaything to him. He played you, used you, and abused you into staying. He’s a piece of shit and everyone seems to know it but you. Wisen up.

We had the burning passion. We had the chemistry, compatibility, the deep and easy connection. We were closer to equals across the board than any other partner you’ve had. We want the same things, we’re both deep and loving people, we turn each other on in every meaningful way: mentally, emotionally, and physically. We had what it takes to have it all. We were lucky to ever even find each other and mesh so easily. We had more that was there than not and we both know it. How much better are you expecting to find? After all, you “haven’t been able to find anything like what we have. Not even close.” Your words, not mine. And that’s over more than half a decade of searching and coming up empty handed. Think of all the things you could have grown in a garden in that time… And I know I’ve only gotten better over time. I’ve stood the test of time. Still standing too.

And I can make pancakes.

So go ahead and block me on platforms and phones - do what you do best like in that opening poem of yours and run. Hide. Cower away from the good things and keep running yourself into a wall of pain with those who can't, don't, and won't ever love you the way you give it. Block out the truth all you want. But I’ve already seen how that’s worked out for you. In the silence, you’re screaming and it reverberates onto the page. You can’t block the memories and if I know one thing about you, it’s that you have an incredible memory. You once wrote you wanted to be remembered, well, I know I’ll never be forgotten.

So if I’m going to be reduced down to a lesson, then I’m making sure class is in session. On the pages of your poetry you showed me I taught you one thing for sure, and I’ll always be proud: How you deserve to be loved. You can’t unlearn that lesson - and you'll never forget who taught you it.

That's my fucking confession.

0 notes

fandom-lover20 · 3 years ago

Text

Bash Babe

Request: Hi this is my first request so I just wanted to request a Dean Portman smut please! I can't find any!! It's so hard to find them since it's an older movie and not many people watch it these days :) Hi! I love your writing and was wondering if you could do a Dean Portman smut after he starts going to Eden Hall and gets jealous once he sees how much the varsity guys have been hitting on her while he was gone

Mighty Ducks Masterlist

Now, I am from the UK and the age of consent here is 16 however it is legal to have sex underage if both people consent, I don't know the American laws or at least the Minnesota laws so we're going to go with the laws from the UK for this fic, okay? Notes: I used no pronouns except they/them as far as I'm aware but reader does have female anatomy Warnings: Little swears, violence, underage sex

Disappointment, fear of losing, tiredness. Those and a few other things were all the Ducks were feeling right now as it was the 15 minute break between periods 2 and 3. The team was in the changing rooms as Orion gave them a pep talk.

“You’re playing hard,” Orion started, tapping Russ Tyler’s shoulder. Most of the ducks still had their pads on, just their shirts off. It helped cool down even if it was fairly cold in the changing room. “I’m proud of you, guys.”

“They’re cheap-shooting us to death,” said Luis.

“I know they are, I know they are,” Orion was sympathetic turning around but standing still when he’d gotten to the end of who was sitting on the bench, closest to the bulletin board and furthest away from the door which was you, next to Adam Banks and opposite Charlie Conway.

You were just fed up of how much defence you had done, you’re a scorer like Charlie. He’s centre, Fulton’s left wing and you’re right but the two of you had swapped this year so you both were pretty good at either. “At this point, it’s going to take a miracle for us to win this game.”

“I know,” Coach nodded, a hand resting on your shoulder when all of a sudden the door nearly slammed open revealing your boyfriend who had been in Chicago all year.

He had his black bandana with white spots on around his head and his signature leather jacket, he had given you his other one. He was also looking down a small book? In his hand as he read out from it.

“‘Dean Portman is awarded a full athletic and academic scholarship to the Eden Hall Academy.’,” that was when he looked up, grinning. “I had this lying around my house in Chicago. My attorney thought I should sign it. I agreed. It’s official boys, I’m back!”

The changing room erupted in cheers as nearly everyone went to hug him and welcome him. You and Charlie however went to the Coach saying the same name.

“Bombay.”

“Hey, babe.”

You turned to see him no longer holding his acceptance letter, still grinning a clear path to him. You also smiled and laughed a little before running up to him and jumping so your legs were around his torso and arms around his neck while his arms went around under your legs, holding you up.

You leant your foreheads against each other’s as you enjoyed being near him as you hadn’t been able to visit each other, just video call with Bombay and Orion’s computers. “Hi.”

Dean had obviously had enough time away as he had slammed his lips up against yours, nearly immediately invading your mouth with his tongue.

“Oh, ew! No one wants to see that!” Julie had called out, looking away.

The two of you pulled in away in laughter before apologising.

“Portman!”

You turned to look over your shoulder seeing Orion staring at your boyfriend.

“Stop making out with Y/N and get dressed. We have just under 10 minutes left.”

~~~

“Oh, dear god,” you muttered, though it was loud enough for Fulton -who was beside you- to hear it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Dean’s talking to Cole,” when you saw that Fulton didn’t see why you were worried since you normally loved it when Dean beat someone up on the ice, you elaborated. “The one who I told him who’s been hitting on me the entire year.”

“Oh, ho, ho,” Fulton started laughing. “Someone’s gonna die,” he sing-songed.

“Yeah, no shit,” you muttered before skating to your starting position.

The puck was on the ice and it was gone while Cole skated away from Dean until you heard him yell.

“Let’s see what you got, bash brother.”

Cole skated towards Dean who was grinning until he bent over so Cole flipped over him and went through the protective glass for the crowd. How his skates didn’t cut anyone, you had no clue.

You and Fulton were quick to skate to Dean on either side, watching Cole stay try and get up before falling over again and groan.

“Now, that’s clearin’ the garbage.”

“Hey, man, we’re just getting warmed up! Beside it’s what he gets for hitting on my girl.”

Dean gave you a smile before he skated off, you and Fulton following.

Another face off with the same line and Portman, Fulton, Goldberg and you were all going to town on the varsity boys, banging them into the glass and tripping them on the ice.

Line change, Guy passed to Averman, Averman faked and passed back to Luis, Luis shot and the goalie hit it with his glove while Luis banged into the glass again like he used to.

You winced at the impact before he started skating again, showing that he was fine.

“All right, change it up!”

Coach decided to change it up and your line was back on the ice.

Dean skated up behind Rick Riley, captain of the varsity team, who then ‘fell’ over his stick earning a whistle from the red.

“21, white. 2 minutes, hooking.”

“Are you kidding me?!” you yelled.

Everyone could hear Coach Orion from the bench. “Come on, red.”

“Give me a break, I didn’t do anything. That’s a dive!” said Dean as he followed the ref to the box.

Now Dean may have seemed annoyed but as soon as that door was shut, oh man. He was wild shouting and started stripping his helmet, gloves, shirt and padding underneath. Then decided to the stereotype Egyptian dance.

You laughed along with the other ducks.

“Oh my god.”

After it had been nearly a minute, you had your helmet up so that the cover wasn’t over your face and skated up to the box he was in where he decided to stop dancing, finally.

“What am I gonna do with you?”

Dean hummed for a second, thinking. “Kiss me?” Dean’s hand went to the side of your face, pulling you in for a soft kiss that you don’t normally get.

“L/N!” you pulled away, reluctantly, when Coach called your name. “Come on, we got a game to play!”

“See you soon, bash babe,” you said, stealing his name for you before skating away, leaving him stunned.

When the line change happened Ken Wu went just a second too early and you got caught for too many men on the ice so he went to the box, Luis came back on the bench and coach decided for Adam, Goldberg and Charlie to be on the ice. If the team gets allowed the chance, you’re to join them, even for only a couple of seconds.

There was an open net a few seconds into the game but Adam had jumped at the perfect time and the puck bounced off his chest. Your team could breathe while the team continued to play. Riley was skating with the puck heading for Julie but Conway was between them and flipped him over his back, skating off with the puck himself.

The score was still 0-0. You were now allowed on the ice so you jamp over the barrier and skated off for Charlie, to the left of Goldberg.

Charlie was right at the net and about to score before passing back to Goldberg who completely froze up.

“Shoot, Goldberg!” Everyone was yelling, while you and Adam wouldn’t have time to accept the puck and score so it was down to him. The varsity players came for Goldberg but he shot the puck and literally right before the buzzer sounded the puck went in the net.

“Yeah!” You and Adam turned and hugged each other while Charlie skated to Goldberg. Everyone’s helmets were off when they skated to Goldberg and Charlie, cheering as a team and celebrating, Dean pulling you away to kiss you. The two of you only stopped when everyone started yelling, pointing to the small banner of the Ducks symbol of your white shirts. The ones Yan had made during the Olympics a couple years ago. Except only now it had a red circle around it with yellow words reading ‘EDEN HALL DUCKS’.

~~~

You were walking backwards as you and Dean stumbled into your dorm, kissing while he slammed the door behind you, laying you on your bed.

“Now, we’re going to have to do something about those varsity boys.”

“Dean, none of them are going to be coming near me anymore. Except, maybe Scooter. I saw him kiss Julie on the cheek.”

Dean hummed before going back to kissing you, leaving trails of kissed down your neck while his hands slid under your shirt to grope your breasts. After another second he had pulled the bra down so your boobs were partially loose like he ran his thumbs over your nipples. Your head moved further back into the pillow your head was on as you groaned.

You stopped however and your head quickly lifted up when you heard your shirt rip. Dean had torn it in half so it could come off, however he actually unhooked your bra which was strapless -it was very supportive- and sooking on one breast as your head thrown back again as you moaned. His right hand then slid down your body and onto your thigh then up your skirt and grabbing at your ass.

“Holy--” You cut yourself off with a groan as he slid in a finger.

“Baby, you’re soaking wet,” he whispered into your ear. “Is that all just for me, hmm?”

You nodded quickly.

“How did I make you this wet, huh?”

“I kept thinking about how you threw Cole through the glass.”

Dean pushed himself up with one arm looking down at your flushed face. “Oh, yeah?” He gave a small hum before sucking at your neck as he added another finger.

Your leg wrapped around his, your foot rubbing up his thigh while your nails scratched ta his back through his band shirt.

“Did you really miss me handling you that much, baby?”

You nodded, humming as a yes while your other leg wrapped around his torso, pushing his fingers further inside of you.

Dean shook his head, forcing himself up, his fingers pulling out of you and your legs no longer around his waist. While you whined in protest he undid the belt on his hips, and pulled of his shoes and jeans before lining himself back up with you and slamming himself into you.

“Fuck, you still feel just as good as I remember,” he groaned as he nearly bottomed out inside of you.

You mouth dropped, legs wrapped around him again and your arms around his neck and shoulder, holding him close to you.

Once you had figured out his pace and adjusted to his size after not being intimate with him in nearly a year and even then you’d only had sex with Dean a couple of times, plus tonight, you met his pace and thrusted your hips up to meet his at the same time as him.

It didn’t take long for either of you to come and both of your moans and grunt to stop at the heavenly feeling.

Dean practically collapsed on top of you after the two of you came, after a few minutes he had the strength to pull out of you and go into the bathroom to grab a wet cloth.

It wasn’t until he was lying down on the bed beside you with you cuddled into his side that he thought. “Are you on the pill?”

“Yes, I’m still on the pill. I was going to fly out to see you in a week or so and it takes a while for my body to adjust to the pill again after not using it for however long.”

Dean gave you a small smile and kissed the top of your head.

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, hot stuff,” you cuddled more into his side and kissed the side of his chest.

#The Mighty Ducks 3 #The Mighty Ducks imagine #Dean Portman x Reader #Dean Portman x You #Dean Portman #Dean Portman imagine #geeky-daughter #FIRST POST OF 2022

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yougotthatbilly · 4 years ago

Text

take care (m)

→ member: johnny seo

→ genre: assistant!johnny | smut

→ word count: 15.9k (not surprised atp)

→ playlist: body talk x majid jordan, warm x majid jordan, BoRdErSz x zayn, moment x victoria monét

→ warnings: slowburn, indecisiveness, v self-indulgent; unprofessional relations, big dick!johnny (ofc; don’t expect anything else), soft dom!johnny, begging (johnny’s a tease), subspace, oral; face-fucking, (and if you squint, ass eating), unprotected sex, squirting, praising, overstimulation, etc.

↳ summary: your assistant just wants to take care of you

The heavy rain outside mocks you. You were supposed to be at your favorite bar across the street, but here you are sitting at your desk, staring out your window. And that’s how Johnny finds you after being granted entrance into your office.

Your arm is propped up on the arm of your seat, cheek in hand, lips pouted. Johnny does his best not to smile at the thought of you looking adorable as not to piss you off. He just sets your cup of tea down on the coaster on the corner of your desk.

“How was the meeting?” he asks, taking a seat on the other side of your desk.

You slowly spin to face him, looking at him with annoyed eyes as you take a sip of your tea. It’s the perfect temperature—a temperature Johnny took almost a month to perfect— and sweetness, and it instantly makes you feel a little better.

“Don’t worry,” you sigh. “Jiyoung didn’t get fired.” You have a three-strike policy; this incident is the second strike.

“Jaehyun,” Johnny corrects, grinning.

You tilt your head at his correction. “I care?”

Johnny just shakes his head, knowing you’re being petty because Jaehyun got his dates wrong and uploaded a post on a few new products a week earlier than the scheduled date, resulting in having to speed things up a little. It didn’t cause a major problem because you’re typically prepared for the worst case scenario, but you don’t like feeling rushed and when things don’t go as planned, so you were pissed.

“What’s his punishment?”

“That’s between me and him,” you tell Johnny before taking another sip. Your lip curls in disgust at the suggestive look your assistant gives you. “Okay, let’s not be gross. He’s a child.”

“I didn’t know 23 was considered a child,” Johnny teases, mostly because the man of the hour has had a crush on you for the last year he’s been working for you and he’s been trying to get Johnny to talk him up to you.

“I didn’t know you wanted to get fired in his place,” you say with a tight smile. Johnny decides to switch the subject.

“Mind me asking why you looked so sad when I walked in?”

You sigh once more, slouching in your seat.

“I wanted to go to the bar…” You point to the window beside you. Johnny follows your finger and watches the storm that hasn’t let up since it started half an hour ago. “That’s not happening anytime soon.”

You’ve either been in your office working nonstop or sleeping for the last week or so and you can feel a burnout creeping up. You were going to walk to the bar to get the fresh air you needed, enjoy a drink and your favorite wings because you deserve it—especially after the headache Jaehyun caused the moment you stepped foot into your office this morning—and indulge yourself. Now look at you, hardly munching on the fruit slices Johnny gave you this morning and almost finished with your tea.

“I’m sorry things aren’t going the way you planned today.” Johnny pouts. “On the bright side, you don’t have anything else on your schedule so if you wanted to go home within the next hour, you wouldn’t fall behind.”

“I’ll probably just take a nap on the futon once I’m done looking over the new plan again.” You shrug.

Johnny wants to roll his eyes, but he catches himself. He’s sure you’ve already gone over it at least five times. There’s nothing he can do about it, though, so lifts himself out of his seat. “I’ll leave you to it. Just give me a call if something comes up or you change your mind.”

To both of your surprise, you actually head out and get yourself a candle you’d ran out of a week ago on the way home to treat yourself to a much needed bath filled with bubbles and essential oils. The scent of the candle reminds you of your assistant because it’s the scent he got you for your birthday, and it’s become your favorite.

You send a picture of the candle at the end of your tub to Johnny, thanking him again for putting you onto greatness, as he worded it before when you first smelled it in front of him and your eyes practically rolled back.

[18:14] John Suh: Are you actually relaxing???

You suck your teeth at his response, but you can’t blame him. He’s the only one that knows just how much you put in to get to the position you’re in, while you’re positive a lot of others just think it was handed to you by your mother instead of the school and endless hours work you went through and continue to go through. It’s very rare you give yourself the time to truly sit back and relax aside from when you’re on vacation. And even then, work never really stops. It just gets placed on the back burner for a little.

[18:16] you: Hush.

[18:17] John Suh: I’m just glad you’re taking care of yourself. Your dark circles have been snitching on you.

[18:17] you: Wow. You really wanna get fired today, huh?

[18:18] John Suh: Dark circles or not, you know you’re still beautiful. Now stop texting me and enjoy your bath!

When you find yourself smiling at your phone, you know you should do exactly what he says. Johnny’s always been a complimenter, though his usual kindness goes along the lines of telling you that you look nice. You’re no stranger to this specific compliment, you get it all the time on Instagram from your business partners and supporters. So why does this time settle differently within you?

[18:21] you: Nice save.

You need a video of one of your popular social media influencer ambassadors using and reviewing your newest skincare products tomorrow—due to Jaehyun’s mix-up—but that’s not happening. She didn’t record it before going on vacation and didn’t think to bring the products with her on her trip. While it isn’t her fault times have moved around, you’re annoyed she didn’t bring the products with her when she’s supposed to be using them every day because she’s one of your main advocates for your products being oily skin-friendly. You have the videos of the other models with their specific skin types, and this is your missing piece.

The weather is nice today, so you take a much-needed break from electronics and go to the roof of the building. Your peace is quickly interrupted by the body of a six-foot male in front of you, standing in the way of the sunlight you were basking in.

“I know you hate him right now,” Johnny begins, skipping over greetings to get to the point of his disruption. “But Jaehyun has oily skin, he’s been using the products you gave him for like three weeks, he really likes them, and he has a good following on Instagram.”

You take the phone handed to you begrudgingly and look at Jaehyun’s page. Thirteen thousand followers and quality pictures. You’re not blind, Jaehyun is conventionally attractive and looks like a model in the photos and boomerangs. Something is missing, though. “Eh.”

“‘Eh?’” Johnny parrots, confused. He doesn’t know a better last-minute model for you than Jaehyun.

“Something’s missing,” you explain with a shrug. You absentmindedly tap the profile icon at the bottom of the screen and Johnny’s Instagram profile pops up. The two of you follow each other, so it’s not like you’ve never seen his pictures, but it’s been a while since you actually paid attention to detail. He has eighteen thousand followers and apparently uploads his pictures following a color theme. There are pictures of himself, random people, and nature in a strategic flow. When you select a video to watch, you’re sold on the lighting, exposure, and the way he captured the woman’s features. “Sit.”

Johnny does so without any questions. You gently grab his jaw and study his face closely. His skin is supple and dewy, the sun highlighting his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. Not that his skin was bad before he started using your products, but the texture and scarring have minimized quite a bit. Johnny doesn’t have the typical, bland model face your competitors love so much, especially with the slight stubble he’s got above his top lip and on his chin.

“What’s your skin type, John?”

“Oily,” he sighs, knowing what’s coming next. He was doing his job as your assistant, trying to make your life easier, but now he wishes he would’ve left this task to the social media department and stayed out of it.

You thought so. “Will you do this for me instead?”

“Do I look like an influencer to you?”

“Yes. I’ll double your next check and everything,” you promise him. “You actually have a personality and everything you post is quality. Women will love the eye candy and all types of men will take you seriously because you don’t have that annoying pristine, perfect look to you like Jaeyoung does.”

Johnny is here to fulfill your needs, so he knows you asking is really just you being polite. He doesn’t have much of a choice, especially with the lack of time you have. He is enjoying the warmth of your hand and the fact you referred to him as ‘eye candy,’ too. And who is he to say no to extra money?

“I’ll have it recorded and edited by midnight,” Johnny smiles, giving you the hope you need.

“Ugh, you’re the best,” you sigh in relief, shaking his face side to side affectionately before letting him go to stand up. You feel much better now. “Send it directly to me.”

Johnny stands up with you and leads the way, opening the door for you. “Yes, ma’am.”

Always true to his word, Johnny emails you two links at a quarter-till, with a message attached:

Good evening,

I edited two videos for you, one short enough for a regular post on the company’s page and the other that could be used for my IGTV for my followers. I hope these meet your expectations, but if there’s anything you need me to fix or redo, let me know and I’ll get right to it.

Sincerely,

John Suh

You get comfortable in your bed with your iPad and tap the first link. You make sure the brightness and volume are high enough to get the full effect, then press play. The quality of the film makes you assume he used a professional camera instead of his phone, and he gets a point for that.

“Hey,” Johnny starts with an awkwardly endearing smile. “I know this is a little different than what I usually post, but I got scouted by the skincare goddess herself to be an ambassador for Surreal’s new line of skincare, Ethereal.”

You grin at the nickname and note that with him being in the bathroom, there’s no echo in his audio, and that gives him another point.

“I’ve been using the four of the five products I’m about to introduce to you everyday for around a month and before I do my skincare routine for you, I’ll show you what my skin looked like before I started using these products with dates so you don’t think I’m just trying to sell you on them just because she’s been writing my checks for the last year,” Johnny chuckles, then the screen shows a selfie Johnny took with the date of a month ago from today, some hyperpigmentation and small bumps dotting his cheek and jaw.

Another point for including before and afters. You knew he’d meet your expectations without you having to say much.

“I’ll get up close and personal at the end so you can really see the results,” Johnny winks into the camera, causing you to blink.

You knew he’d have personality and that was one of the main reasons he was a great idea, and while in hindsight his actions are predictable, you shake your head. The fact that he’s actually charming makes you scoff, but you’re sure that the damn wink only worked on you right now because it’s almost midnight and you should be asleep right now. You won’t act like he hasn’t always been nice on the eyes, but he’s Johnny.

You can’t deny that you do thoroughly enjoy the Johnny presented to you through the screen, though.

“The first product is an oil-based cleanser because the SPF in this collection is oil-based as well,” Johnny explains, then proceeds to show the jar and small spatula that comes with it before he scooped some out, capturing the texture of the product well.

And that’s how the rest of the video plays out, the unusually deep, gentle tone of Johnny’s voice explaining how well each product works for his oily and acne-prone skin, lulling you into a relaxed state against your headboard. He keeps things short and simple, the video just barely passing three minutes and as promised, his face comes a lot closer to the screen, showing the faded scarring and smooth texture of what used to be his problem areas. Johnny ends the video with a sweet smile and says goodbye. The shorter video is edited to where he’s hardly talking, mostly just demoing your products, just the way you like things to be on the company’s page.

You did great, John. Thanks again for doing this last minute. You can come in at 10 am tomorrow since I had you working overtime today. Rest well.

Johnny is at your desk with your morning cup of tea at eight in the morning, a bright smile on his face as he tells you good morning.

You glare at him. “Why are you here?”

“Because it’s my job?” Johnny says, pretending like he doesn’t know what you’re referring to. You can read him well, though. You take the mug out of his hand before gesturing for him to take a seat in front of you.

“You’re either being hard-headed as usual, or you’re anxious about your video being uploaded. Which is it?”

And that wipes the bright smile off of his face.

“I slept three hours last night,” he confesses. “I’m not used to this kind of exposure.”

You take a couple of sips of your tea and quietly observe him, thinking.

“Would you prefer we didn’t post it, then?”

Your assistant looks at you as if you didn’t just speak one of the languages he’s fluent in. You just blink at him and continue drinking your beverage, waiting for him to either say yes or no in case you need to make other plans, again.

“You’d do that for me?” he finally says after a while of staring at you like you’re crazy.

“Why wouldn’t I?” you ask slowly. “You’ve proven how far you’d go for me and I appreciate it, but I care about you as a person and anxiety is a bitch, so I wouldn’t want you to be panicking over Jaejoon’s mistake.”

The corner of Johnny’s lift curls at your continued pettiness, and maybe his heart does a thing at the fact that you care that much about him. It’s obvious to everyone that he is the closest to you out of all of your employees; being your assistant means you let your guard down a little with him. Along with the more serious side of your personality everyone else gets (especially recently), he sees your soft side. You’re not an overly strict boss, but Johnny gets to see you smile more and pout (he’d lose his job if he admitted to you how endearing your pout is to him). But even with the closer relationship the two of you have, Johnny would’ve never expected you to choose his stage fright over your baby; your company.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Johnny declines with a shake of his head. “I’ll be okay, I promise. Thank you for considering my feelings, though.”

You shrug, not about to press him on the issue. “Alright. I need you to post the IGTV at 2 pm and tag our page in an appropriate caption. I’d suggest you turn your notifications off for a while because as soon as you post it, it’s getting posted to our story then I’m sure you’re gonna get flooded with DM’s.”

“Flooded?’” Johnny asks, head tilted. “I mean, all I’ll have to do is copy and paste the same message answering any questions they might have about the products. Easy.”

You’re the one to look at him like he’s stupid this time. You set your mug down, lean back in your swivel chair, and clasp your hands over your stomach. “You can’t be that dense.”

“‘Dense?’” he asks.

“Are you a parrot?” you tsk. “But yes, dense. You know good and well most of the messages will have nothing to do with my products and everything to do with you.”

Johnny has the audacity to still be confused after your explanation.

“John, you realize you’re a good-looking guy with a likable personality, right?”

It’s not that he doesn’t know that. Johnny’s always been a pretty confident guy, with both his looks and personality. His confusion doesn’t stem from being blind or too humble. It’s the fact you of all people are telling him this right now.

“You think so?” he prompts, just to see how many compliments he can get out of you. This is a rare occasion.

“When you’re not being annoyingly happy-go-lucky and chill out, yes.” You reply. And now he’s pouting. That’s what he gets.

“I thought my cheerfulness brought joy to your days,” Johnny says with a dramatic hand on his heart, offended.

“What brings me joy is everything running smoothly and everyone doing their job,” you correct. He isn’t wrong, but you decide not to stroke his ego any more than you already have. And you’ve already said too much. “With that being said, you do everything I ask of you, and that brings me so much joy. You’re the perfect assistant, so don’t cry.”

“Is this your way of telling me to calm down?”

Your iPad buzzes against the wood of your desk and when you peek at it, you see it’s an email from Jaehyun with the subject: Today’s upload schedule.

“This is my way of telling you to get to work, honey.”

Johnny often finds himself slowly backing out of your office with his hands up in surrender, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He loves the distinct differences between the two of you. He figures it’s why you work so well together and why he’s held this job position for over a year in comparison to the two assistants before him that both got fired before the six-month mark. Johnny’s also positive that you love his excessively positive nature (as Jaehyun has described Johnny’s personality before) somewhere deep down and that he brightens your day after dealing with idiots like Jaehyun.

When your assistant is out of sight, you grab your iPad, respond to Jaehyun’s email, and find yourself rewatching today’s scheduled video. Maybe more than once.

The video is up at 2 pm sharp and Johnny does as advised, turning his Instagram notifications off immediately. He even goes as far as taking his phone off of vibrate so he isn’t aware of any other notifications until he decides to look at his phone again. He’s got things to organize anyway, so the work he has to do takes his mind off of any anxiety within him.

That is until you appear at the doorway of his office an hour later. This is a rare occurrence, so Johnny can’t be blamed for staring at you, and in the process, he appreciates the very fitted pantsuit you’re wearing. You took off the blazer sometime in between when Johnny left your office hours ago and now, and he thinks that the blush pink blouse compliments your complexion and red lips very well. But of course it does. Everything you wear compliments everything about you perfectly.

Just one of the many observations Johnny has made in the past year.

“How do you feel?” you ask him. Your voice is always so calm and collected, even when you’re ripping someone to shreds because of idiocy. Johnny admittedly admires that about you.

“I’ve done everything under the sun to avoid my phone,” Johnny confesses with a weak laugh.

You nod. “Well, just know that I’ve had multiple companies and modeling agencies ask why I’ve been hiding you. So don’t be surprised if you have job opportunities waiting for you.”

“Wow… this means I can finally quit,” Johnny hardly whispers with a victorious fist pump.

“I wish the hell you would,” you deadpan, breaking Johnny’s act and causing him to laugh loudly at the lack of expression paired with your response. “You’re mine unless there’s a tragic accident, God forbid, or you’re moving up in the ranks.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” you confirm, sending him a wink before turning on your heel and strutting back to your own office. Johnny licks his lips at the sight of the natural sway of your hips before shaking his head and getting back to working on the excel sheet staring at him.

“How is it that you all have the skills and training for the very simple tasks I ask you to complete, yet lack common sense and proper work ethic?”

Everyone in the room, excluding Johnny, just looks up at you from their seats, pitiful expressions on their faces. Their eyes follow you as you slowly walk to the other side of the room. You’re trying to stay calm and be professional, so pacing around the room is your best bet.

To Johnny, you look like you’re on a runway in slow motion, modeling the slim-fitting pencil skirt and red bottoms you’re adorning. Though still attentive to every word coming out of your mouth, Johnny lets himself get lost in each step you take because he’s not the one getting chewed out.

Mark, one of the newest additions to the marketing department, leans into Johnny’s side to whisper into his ear. “How have you managed to not fuck up and be on the receiving end of her talks yet?”

You don’t hear anything, but you see whispering happening, and now is not the time for side conversations. Johnny doesn’t even have the chance to turn to Mark or tell him to shut up until the end of the meeting before you’re speaking again.

“Mark Lee,” you call as you make your way towards him, causing him to sit up straight. “Is there something you’d like to say?”

“No, ma’am,” he responds nervously. Johnny internally shakes his head at Mark not being able to think quickly and lie. “My apologies.”

“Is there anything anyone wants to say or am I just a narcissist who loves talking to hear my lovely voice? Should I sing?” you ask, standing next to Johnny at the end of the conference table, hand on your hip. “Y’all want a performance?”

Johnny bites the inside of his cheek to refrain from laughing. Your sarcasm only intensifies the unsettled looks on everyone’s face and they all side-eye Jungwoo, their savior from the last time they got chewed out as a whole. Jungwoo raises his hand before saying, “There’s nothing we can say to excuse our actions—or lack thereof, but we will get right on it and do our jobs correctly this time. You won’t have to repeat yourself again.”

Johnny is impressed at how quickly your features soften. The ready-to-fire-someone look melts away as you nod at Jungwoo’s promise. You do have a bit of a soft spot for the latter, though, so it makes sense.

“I’ll take your word for it. You’re dismissed,” you announce, waving everyone off.

The room is empty, save for you and your assistant, in mere seconds.

“You’re going to give them nightmares,” Johnny chuckles, gathering your belongings before opening the door for you to exit the conference room. He laughs once more at your responding yawn.

“How? That was me on my best behavior,” you retort, your heels clicking loudly as you walk to the elevator. “And what was Lee whispering about?”

“Your employees are just amazed that I’ve kept you satisfied for so long.”

You walk into the elevator once the doors slide open and lean against the mirrored wall, arms crossed. Your eyes are squinted as you give Johnny a once over. He has done everything right since he completed his training. “You think you can keep me satisfied?”

There’s a challenging tone in your voice that causes Johnny to lick his lips. “I’d never disappoint you.”

Your response is a nod of your head paired with a drawn-out hum, and then you walk out of the elevator to your office once you hit your floor, walking ahead of Johnny without another word. You laugh at yourself when you replay the short conversation in your mind at the feeling you got in your gut at his response. And then you’re scoffing because, once again, it’s Johnny.

Johnny… Over six feet, amicable, charming, handsome as all hell Johnny. The scene of him licking his lips and saying those four words in that promising, deep voice in the elevator flashes through your mind once you’re seated at your desk. Your fingernail taps against the wood as you roll your lips together, stuck in your head. The ironic conclusion you come to before getting back to work is that you’re working way too much and just lacking male attention because there’s no other plausible reason for your goofy-ass assistant to have been on your mind so much for the last couple of days.

“Really?” Johnny asks when he walks in and sees you slumped over your desk.

Your eyes flutter open at his voice.

“I was just resting my eyes” you yawn, waving him off.

“What work is there possibly left for you to do at this point?” The products go on the market tomorrow, meaning all the work that had to be done in preparation for the launch was completed before everyone left today (the marketing department got their shit together quickly because they know about your policy and how unforgiving you are when the deadline is right around the corner). The only thing left for your marketing team to do tomorrow is look over everything once more and then you’re free to sit back and wait for customers to buy the new products and idly watch over social media if you really wanted to. It frustrates Johnny that you always find something extra to do.

“I was doing some last minute, um”— another yawn —“touches on the-”

“Well, that’s enough,” Johnny interrupts your explanation, walking around to your side of the desk and plucking the pen out of your hand.

You just nod and lean back in your ridiculously big swivel chair, blinking up at him slowly, because he’s right. There’s literally nothing else for you to do and you have the most full coverage concealer under your eyes; you need to rest.

“Am I driving you home tonight?” He asks as he packs your belongings into the massive purse on the box by your feet then places it on your desk so he doesn’t have to bend back down to retrieve it.

“Yeah, I don’t feel like moving,” you mumble, thankful you spent so much money on the chair you’re oh-so comfortable in.

Johnny puts his hands out for you to grab, and once you do so, he pulls you up. You groan and lean forward into him to catch your balance after not being on your feet for many hours, but then Johnny’s hand on firm on the middle of your lower back, and the pressure makes you stay. He’s just helping you steady yourself, a position you’ve been in once or twice before because you like to push your limits (says both your therapist and your assistant), but he smells good and he’s warm; his presence is comforting. It always has been, which is why he’s made the perfect assistant for you.

“Are you okay?” he asks, looking down at the top of your head that simply nods in response.

“Think I pushed my limit,” you admit, much to your assistant’s surprise. It’s not that you’re prideful, but you don’t exactly like showing weakness, especially in front of your employees.

Though tempted to just let you rest your head on his chest because he doesn’t mind the proximity at all and knows you’re somehow comfortable, Johnny makes sure you’re standing steadily by yourself so he can drape your coat over your shoulders. He grabs your purse and wraps an arm around your waist then guides you out of your office, all the way to the parking garage, saying goodbye to the confused cleaning staff on his way out.

He presses the button on the handle of the passenger side’s door to unlock it, opens the door, then fits you inside of his car. Johnny leans over your body to buckle your seat belt, and when he’s back away, he catches you looking at him with a look he can’t quite decipher.

“What’s up?”

You shake your head and blink slowly. “I just really appreciate you, John.”

Johnny just nods to save face and closes the door before making his way to the driver’s seat. He’s not quite sure how to feel or respond to the soft-spoken, sleepy side of you since it’s been months since the one other time you’ve been in a similar situation, and he wasn’t as smitten as he is now.

You’re fighting your sleep because even though you trust Johnny, you want to be as aware during this trip to your house. It’s a hard feat, though. His car is big and comfortable and the hum of the engine is trying to lull you into a deep sleep.

Johnny looks over at you after getting on the main road and notices your internal fight.

“You can fall asleep, you know.”

“You might take my organs.”

“I would’ve done that a long time ago if I wanted to,” Johnny humors you. His response brings a small smile to your face, and that keeps a smile on his own.

“You have a really pretty smile, John.”

“Thank you,” Johnny says, figuring it’s just your exhaustion talking.

“I’m almost jealous of how pretty your lips are,” you sigh, mouth not filtering your thoughts at this point of exhaustion (you’ve gotten 10 hours of sleep in the last week, but no one, especially not Johnny, needs to know that). You don’t care enough to try to “correct” yourself because the pretty curl of his lips gets even deeper.

“Really?” Johnny asks, trying his luck again because he’s sure tonight isn’t like the other day in your office. “You think my lips are pretty?”

You hum and cuddle into his seat even more. After staring at his profile a while longer, you tell him, “I think you’re pretty.”

That makes him laugh again, taken aback at the string of compliments coming out of your mouth towards him of all people. It’s not that you’re mean or don’t applaud him for his great work, but this is a very different side of you that he’s seeing. He likes it.

“That’s a first, but I’ll take it,” he says, taking a moment to look at you again before focusing on the road again. “Thank you.”

“Are you used to hearing ‘handsome?’ ‘Fine?’ ‘Sexy?’” You notice how Johnny’s brows lift. “Too far?”

He shakes his head. “No, you’re good. I like you when you’re nice.”

“You like me regardless,” you say with a sassy scoff, pretending to flip your hair even though it’s slicked back in a low bun, the same as every workday.

Johnny nods slowly, contemplating if he should humor you or just laugh you off. It literally takes him 0.5 seconds to go with the former option because he’s been waiting for the day the two of you step out of professional talk and get into something more personal, specifically between the two of you. “You got me there. I mean, what isn’t there to like?”

Your eyes squint as you analyze him and process his words. There’s a subtle but still very noticeable shift in the air after his question, and while you’re sure it’s your fault for letting your exhaustion let you feel comfortable enough to open your mouth and start spewing out nice things to your assistant, his response is enough to keep it up. It also doesn't help that this is a far more intimate setting than work.

“Be careful, you keep saying things like that and I’ll think you have a crush on me,” you tease him, chuckling at the snort he responds with.

Before Johnny snitches on himself, he flips the script. “Says the one staring at my lips long enough to deem them ‘pretty’ and calling me pretty, of all things.”

“Well,” you start as your gaze goes right back to his mouth at the mention of it. “It would be unprofessional of me to tell you that I think you’re fine as hell, so,” you shrug.

You and Johnny have always had a bit of banter between the two of you, and while this topic isn’t something that’s been covered before, it’s hard to really care when you feel comfortable enough to cross that line right now. If he hadn’t been playing along, you wouldn’t have said anything more than the simple compliment from earlier, but with the reciprocity, the logical voice within gets pushed away. Exhaustion isn’t much of an excuse at this point because that high from tiredness has passed.

The timing of the traffic light turning red is a little too perfect. Johnny takes the opportunity to look at you again, and something lights up in his chest when he catches how your eyes travel up from his mouth to look into his own eyes at his attention.

“It would be unprofessional,” he agrees with another nod of his head. “But I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual.”

You hum and nod. “Good to know.”

“You must not be sleeping well for you to be throwing out compliments like that.” Johnny leans onto the middle counsel.

“I’m not saying anything I haven’t thought of for a while.” You tell him after a beat, choosing to reply honestly since you’re already here. Johnny quirks a brow to prompt you to elaborate, and you do so, mirroring his position and propping your chin in your hand. His face is a lot closer now, but you keep your eyes on his own orbs to avoid losing focus. “I hired you because of your experience and skill set, but I knew it wouldn’t hurt to have some eye-candy around me. Pretty privilege and all,” you wave a nonchalant hand. “You were perfect until you opened your mouth.”

“You can never be nice to me for long, can you?” he snorts.

“You’re perfect tonight, though,” you add on, specifically for the quirk of Johnny’s mouth that comes from the praise. Yeah, you failed the challenge.

“How so?” Johnny questions, quickly checking to see if the light has changed yet. It hasn’t, and for once in his life he’s grateful for a long light. He feels good about where this conversation could possibly get him after a year of silently admiring you, so good that he not-so-subtly gets even closer, definitely in your bubble, but nothing too crazy.

“You’re calm and collected and taking care of me,” you admit. The silent deep breath you take to calm yourself grants you access to the scent of Johnny’s cologne again, and your mind is so close to deciding that logic is unnecessary. A tiny voice in the back of your mind has been trying to get your attention and steer you in the opposite direction of the one you’ve decided to take, with how you tilt your head up to get just a little closer to him.

“You like being taken care of?”

“I love it,” you confess, and Johnny takes the chance to tuck a stray hair behind your ear as he hums, content with your response. Definitely an excuse to test the waters and see how far he can go and how willing you are to really cross this line. You turn your face into his hand so he cups your jaw, but then there’s a horn sounding behind you because the light is green, and Johnny begrudgingly has to pay attention to the road. You blink, the trance you found yourself in with him so close but so far away dissipating, the situation becoming a lot more real now that he’s out of your space. You slump back into your seat and look out of the window, that voice becoming louder and grounding you as you take another deep breath. “But allowing myself to be vulnerable with someone like that? Yikes.”

He knows your defense mechanism is trying to kick in, but he’s not having it.

“Aside from me?”

You hum. “Not quite…”

You set yourself up. From that moment in the elevator to now, you’ve been digging your own grave, and Johnny has done nothing but assist you, encourage you to dig deeper. You’re not sleepy anymore, there’s no more foggy brain from earlier when he found you asleep in the office. Just desire you’ve done a grand job of ignoring up until the last few days. But unfortunately, you have to remind yourself you’ve been ignoring it for a reason.

Your assistant almost doesn’t say anything because he loves his job and you clearly switched the direction of the conversation for a reason, but so much (yet so little) has already been said during your time in the car and you’ve already said enough to get the gears in his head turning.

“So you mean a different type of care?”Johnny asks. He pulls into your driveway and parks. He wants to get back to the space the two of you were at when stopped at that light, but you’re already unbuckling your seat belt and grabbing your purse, signifying that the moment is long gone. That doesn’t stop him from trying, though. “Do you need me to walk you in?”

“I think I’ve got it now, thanks.” You need to get inside and get some sleep. Are you running right now? Of course. You’re a responsible person and the most responsible thing for you to do as the woman that signs his paychecks, is to get the fuck away from him before he persuades you, because you both know it’s possible.

“Let me rephrase that:” he licks his pretty lips and your fist balls up around your purse’s straps. “Do you want me to walk you in? I know you didn’t need me to do most of what I’ve done tonight, but you let me because you wanted me to.” His ability to read you so well is both a blessing and a curse. “Now would you like for me to continue taking care of you tonight or not?”

You do. You absolutely do. You’re tempted to say yes in the case you don’t end up alone tonight, but you know it’s not a good idea. And you’re sure the atmosphere of this car ride will disappear by the time you wake up. At least that’s what you tell yourself because you know, ethics.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you tell Johnny, opening the door and stepping out. “Thanks for the ride. Drive safe.”

Johnny watches you walk up to your door, unlock it, then disappear into your house. He lets out a deep sigh before backing out of your driveway and driving home.

Tea, fruit slices, and avocado toast are set down in front of you the moment you walk behind your desk.

“Good morning,” Johnny greets you calmly. “Your eleven o’clock meeting has been pushed back thirty minutes, so I’d suggest using the opportunity to get out of the building and get some fresh air. You know, get away from electronics and people to recharge.”

That’s exactly what you’ll do. You’re going to be monitoring the Instagram engagement and website sales for a while, even though you pay people to be on top of numbers, so a break will definitely be needed.

“I love your brain, you know that?” you ask, looking up at him once your jacket and bag are off of your body, meeting his eye. The corner of Johnny’s mouth twitches.

“I told you I’d never disappoint you.”

“And I’m holding you to that.” You ignore the fact that there’s definitely another meaning behind his words. You can’t say the tension that last night’s conversation produced has gone away completely, but it’s weak enough for you to ignore it and stick to the amicable atmosphere the two of you have built for the last year plus.

“Would it be alright if I accompanied you during your walk?” Johnny prompts after a moment of him just standing there, pursing his lips together to refrain himself from grinning at you. “There’s something I’d like to run by you because I trust your opinion as my boss and my friend.”

“We’re friends?” you joke, settling into your seat.

“Last time I checked,” he responds, unfazed. “We could be even closer if you let yourself be vulnerable with me.”

And there it is.

“John,” you say after a brief pause. He’s got his hands in his pockets, face mostly void of emotion. Johnny doesn’t want things to go back to normal, and he’s decided to let you know in the most subtle, yet obvious way. Why ignore the feeling when it’s clearly mutual?

“Yes, boss?”

“You can leave now.”

The grin on the male’s face falters. He examines you to see just how serious you are, and he knows this isn’t one of your playful banter moments. He tries to call your name, either to ease the situation and tell you it was just a bad joke or to apologize, but you just remove your attention from him and get on your iPad.

And when he’s out of the room, the door closed behind him, you let out a frustrated sigh. Up until you fell asleep, if you weren’t thinking about your launch, you were thinking about him. If you weren’t thinking about the numbers from your last launch and the possibility of exceeding them, you were thinking of the way you felt and the words he said while you were in that intimate bubble before the horn honked at him. You had to take a couple melatonin gummies to shut your mind up and knock out. The sleep was amazing, the best you’d had in a while, but then when you were conscious again, Johnny was back.

You could have done without stepping into uncharted territory last night. To him, it may not seem as deep as you’re making it out to be, but there’s too much on the line for you. Your professionalism. Your pride. Your job, quite possibly. His job. You could pay him off if you decided to fire him, but you don’t want to deal with bribes making you feel like a shitty person. You don’t want a new assistant. You want Johnny.

At that very last thought, you pick up the phone and call Jaehyun to have him run the plan by you one more time. He thinks it’s because of his fuck up from before, and you just let him think that.

Thankfully, Johnny is out of your way until later in the night. He didn’t try to accompany you on your walk, but he has no choice but to be here at the company outing taking place to celebrate your products selling out within 4 hours.

All shots are on you, so your employees are taking advantage of this, recording as everyone clinks their shot glasses together and downs the painful alcohol down. You’re two shots in and you mentally note that three is your limit for tonight. Maybe four. You’re already a bit of a lightweight, and there’s no way in hell you’re going to make a fool of yourself in front of your employees. Regardless, you’re having a pretty good time. As a gift, your best friend rented out the bar, so it’s empty save for your large group, and Joohyun’s presence is a godsend. She’s being friendly enough to your employees and for the most part she hasn’t left your side, being the comfort she doesn’t realize you need.

“Congrats again, babe,” she says excitedly to you, pushing another shot in front of you as she scoots into the seat next to you. “Can we take that vacation in Bora Bora now that you’re free and even richer?” Her teasing smile makes you crack one of your own and sigh.

“You know that trip is for August. Be patient, Bae.”

She rolls her eyes but her expression doesn’t falter. Her gaze wanders a bit as she sips from her mixed drink and then she’s looking at you expectantly. You raise a brow to prompt her.

“How is it that all of your employees are hot as fuck?” she asks bluntly. “Even the women.”

You take a glance around like you don’t remember what everyone looks like. “I mean, I guess.”

“Especially a certain assistant.”

“Go for it,” you tell her, nodding in his direction. The said male is at the bar ordering something with his arm draped over Jaehyun’s shoulders, the two of them laughing about whatever the latter just said.

“You know that’s not why I said that,” Joohyun scoffs, swatting at your arm. You may have mentioned to her a while ago that your assistant is very nice on the eyes and you sometimes enjoy watching him as he does his job. “Plus, Jaehyun’s more my type.”

You shrug. “I’m sure they’d be down for a threesome.”

Your best friend hits you once again. “What’s with your mood? You’re not acting like someone who just sold out in only a few hours.”

Before she decided to bring a certain assistant up, you were doing pretty well. You’d been able to not look at him for too long or even have to speak to him much aside from a greeting and his congratulations before he was by Jaehyun’s side and Joohyun was by yours. But now, with him being mentioned, your eyes are having a hard time pulling away from his figure. His tie is loosened and the top few buttons of his shirt are undone. His sleeves are rolled up right under his elbows and show off the tattoo on his arm.

You rip your eyes off of him and down your shot. Yeah, you’re thinking four.

Joohyun’s incredulous laugh brings your attention back to her. “You didn’t.”

“What?”

She leans into your side to whisper, “You’re in a mood because of Johnny?”

You side-eye her because you don’t like how quickly she read you, and her smile grows wide.

“Oh, my—you slept with Johnny?!” she continues to whisper-yell.

“No,” you hiss. “I did not. But I could have and that’s the issue.”

“Not seeing the issue?” She’s always been the little devil on your left shoulder. “The only reason I brought him up is because I’ve noticed how often you have his attention when you’re not even in the same area. And I know the difference between a look of concern and a look of want. He’s got a good ratio of both going on.”

“Okay, Miss Couple’s Therapist,” you mutter. “You ever heard of conflict of interest?”

And that shuts her up. Only for a few seconds, though.

“All I’m saying is I know you’ve thought about it… and you’re probably thinking about it now,” she giggles, making it hard for you to keep glaring at her. “I’m just trying to help you understand that it wouldn’t be a bad thing if there is a mutual understanding between the two of you on what flies and what cannot and shall not happen regarding the matter. You’re both consenting adults and it’s obvious he’d be on his knees for you with the snap of a finger.”

You decide against telling her about last night’s situation nor do you let her know you’re considering her words. That you’ve been considering the whole thing for days.

You change the subject instead, asking her about how her latest trip overseas went.

It lasts for only so long when Johnny and Jaehyun make their way over to your table.

They greet the two of you and you give a nod, choosing now to be the perfect time to check your notifications, while Joohyun says, “Hey guys.”

“Why are you checking your phone when you should be enjoying your time?” Johnny asks right by your ear, his voice lacking excitement but instead low enough to almost make your thumb falter as you scroll. “Get off your phone and celebrate, please?”

You make the mistake of looking up. He’s too close to your face to use the music playing through the speakers in the bar as an excuse. His eyes don’t have their usual playful glint in them. They look down at you with a purpose, and you’re kind of embarrassed at how fast you comply with his request. You drop the device into your purse and zip it up for extra measures.

“Thank you,” he smiles. “I got this for you two, by the way.”

Johnny slides a plate of your favorite wings on the table.

“Aw thank you, Johnny,” Joohyun coos, shooting you an annoyingly smug glance. “Are you gonna sit with us?”

“Is that okay with you, boss?” Jaehyun asks after sharing a look with his friend.

“Have at it,” you smile tightly, gesturing to the seats across from you. While they make themselves comfortable, you steal your best friend’s shot and actively ignore the way she looks at you from the corner of her eye.

Joohyun and Jaehyun fall into conversation easily after she compliments the watch he’s wearing. You nibble on some celery, actively ignoring how Johnny’s still too close. He subtly squeezes your knee to get your attention, and when he’s got it, he tilts his head in the direction of the bar.

“I drank enough,” you tell him with a shake of your head.

“It’s not about a drink. I would like to speak to you alone, please,” Johnny explains in a whisper. A tiny voice in your mind says hell no because of what Joohyun has put in your head, but the rational voice reminds you that he is your assistant and you can’t avoid him forever.

You tell your best friend that you’re gonna get a drink and that you’ll be back, and when she notices Johnny getting up with you she nods with a whisper of a smirk on her lips all without breaking the conversation she’s having.

“What’s up?” you ask once seated on a barstool, at least a few seats away from everyone else.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I was trying to make light of the situation and I took it too far. As for last night, it was wrong of me to make a proposition like, so I want to apologize for that, as well.”

You nod as he speaks, letting his words process in your brain.

“I spoke out of line last night and gave you an opening, so that part was on me. I apologize and I hope we can move forward from it. Thank you for your apology.” You try to get up and make your way back to your table quickly, but Johnny gently grabs your hand until he knows you’ll stay in your seat.

For a moment he wanted to just apologize so you can stop being distant with him and he can stop purposely avoiding you for your space, but your response rubs him the wrong way and now he doesn’t really want to drop it. He wants to talk about it because the topic clearly came up for a reason last night and he’s tired of denying how he feels towards you, especially now that he knows he’s not alone after a while of thinking there was no way in hell his little crush would even get him this far.

“Can you not shut me out right now?”

You really don’t like his ability to see through you.

“I accepted your apology and gave you the one you deserved... how am I shutting you out?” you bullshit him anyway.

“I’m not gonna pretend that what happened last night didn’t happen. I can’t,” Johnny tells you honestly. “Can I speak to you as a friend instead of your employee for a moment?”

“I guess,” you shrug.

“As your friend, what I say cannot be held against me as your assistant.”

“Whatever, John. Go ahead.”

“I want you,” he confesses, and there’s really no going back from here. “I am very attracted to you and when you spoke about wanting to be vulnerable and taken care of last night it only made me want you more. And if there’s anyone you can let your guard down with and that will take great care of you, it’s me, and you know this.”

All you can do is stare at him for a while. If you hadn’t had that conversation with Joohyun a while ago you would not still be in this seat, letting him know you’re truly considering his proposition. The dip in your gut at his confession confirms your feelings, but your brain and your body conflict.

Can you separate business from pleasure in this instance?

If you allow your desires to become reality and it’s nothing like what you imagined, you’d never be able to look at him the same, no matter how good he is at his job. You’d either have to fire him or become so distant he’d want to quit. Would a bribe really have to be offered for the well-being of your precious company? The thought alone rubs you the wrong way.

But if you’re being honest with yourself, you just know it wouldn’t be a bad experience because it’s Johnny. He’s calculated and good at anything that gets thrown at him. You truly believe him when he says he’d never disappoint you. But how will you go about seeing him five days a week without seeing him in a different light? You’re professional but there would definitely be a change in your dynamic.

“I adore you as my assistant, John,” you finally speak up after too long. “And I do consider you a friend. I just don’t want to compromise our relationship over lust.”

“It’s not just lust, though,” Johnny states. “I’m not in love with you or anything but I care about you and want to take care of you the way we both know you need and deserve.”

He’s saying all of the right things and it’s almost as if the universe is rubbing him in your face. Your control is slipping and you don’t like it. You would love to be taken care of. You crave it. Running a business right before the age of thirty comes with so much stress and bullshit and you haven’t been taken care of in years, at least not properly. You’re content with being single because you give yourself everything you need and you love having your own space, but it does get lonely sometimes. And you can’t do everything yourself, at least not to the extent you need. Your eyes scan down from his face to his hands and your resolve gets a little weaker.

“I’m not going to push you, okay? I just had to let you know that I’m here to help you in many more ways than in the office and that if anything were to ever happen, my lips are sealed. I’d even sign a damn contract if that meant I could have you for just one whole day.”

“A whole day?” you ask before you can stop your curiosity from being known.

“I can’t elaborate on that. I can talk to you as a friend all I want but I know that too much detail can fuck up my job if you’re not down and I’m perfectly content with my job right now.”

He’s so vague, yet he’s said just the right amount. It’s easy to imagine what exactly could be in store if you release your inhibitions and just agree, but it’s not that easy. And Johnny understands that.

“Just think about it, alright?” He requests, and you nod slowly. “What drink would you like?”

“I’ve already had four shots—”

“No one said it had to be alcoholic,” Johnny laughs.

“Hello?” Johnny’s morning voice grumbles.

“Okay.”

It’s quiet on the other end of the line for a while as Johnny wakes up and decodes your single word. When he understands, his smile can be heard through his next words.

“Would you prefer I go to you or you come here?”

“I’ll go to you.”

“How does noon sound?”

“Good,” you nod, even though he can’t see the movement.

“Alright. There’s a couple of questions I have before you come over, though,” he tells you, his voice suddenly a lot more serious than it was before.

“Okay, go ahead,” you sigh, curling into a ball on your sofa.

“Do you trust me?”

“I do.” Of course you trust him. Johnny smiles at how quick your answer. “You know that.”

“Trusting me with your work and trusting me with your mind and body are completely different things,” he tells you matter-of-factly. “But yes, I did know. I just needed to ask.”

“I clearly trust you enough to be hours away from going to your place without thinking you’re gonna exploit or blackmail me.”

“And I appreciate it. As I said, I’ll sign a contract if you’re still in your head about it.” At the dismissive response you give him, he continues with his questions. “We’re not gonna be weird about this before, during, and especially after everything, right?”

“No, I won’t be weird,” you chuckle, knowing his ‘we’ translates to ‘you.’ “It would’ve took me way longer to give you an answer if I was still gonna be weird or standoffish.”

“What made you change your mind so quickly?”

You blink at the tree on the other side of your window blankly. It took less than a day to give him a response, and while he may have popped up in your dream last night, Joohyun was right. You want him and he’s not shy about letting you know how much he wants you in return, so why play this game of tiptoeing and faux unclarity?

“You’re asking too many questions now,” you deadpan. “I’ll see you later.”

The last thing you hear before you hang up is Johnny laughing quietly to himself, sounding endeared.

You’ve always been punctual, so when you knock on his door, it’s twelve on the dot. And Johnny was expecting this, with it only taking him a couple of seconds to unlock and open the door for you.

“Hey,” he greets you with a smile and you immediately take in his appearance, having never been around Johnny in anything but formal wear. You take in how he looks in the comfort of his own home, his brown hair is parted down the middle in comparison to how he always has it pushed back, and his fitted white tee shirt and joggers are a stark difference from the button-downs and slacks he usually adorns around you. He looks good either way, you note.

“Hey.”

You walk past him into his home and take your shoes off, and while pleasantries are exchanged, it’s Johnny’s turn to give you elevator eyes. The grey color of your athletic wear draws attention to the curve of your ass and hips. Your hair isn’t in its signature style, but out and flowing about freely. When you turn back around to face him he notices you don’t have your typical red lipstick on, just a clear sheen covering your lips. He didn’t think you could look any better, but here he is, being proven wrong.

You’re guided down a hallway and into his room, and the first thing you notice is a cute stuffed animal on his dresser. One you remember buying him for his birthday because that was his only request, seeing that it was limited edition.

“I still can’t believe you wanted this of all things,” you laugh fondly, picking it up and examining it.

“You gave me a budget and this fit in it,” Johnny shrugs, coming up behind you. His chest molds into your back naturally, causing you to look up from the plushie and up at him through the mirror in front of you. “There was no way in hell I was coming out of pocket for that myself when you were willing to spend big bucks on me.”

You relax into his chest, the vibration against your back a very pleasant feeling. “Touché.”

The last few days of building sexual frustration did nothing to prepare you for the suffocating blanket of tension that envelopes you once Johnny lifts your head up to the side and presses one of the gentlest kisses to your lips. Followed by another chaste one, and another until you find yourself chasing his lips.

“Feel free to bite into it when it becomes too much for you,” Johnny graciously offers in a whisper that tickles your lips.

You scoff, amused by his confidence.

“I’m a grown ass woman,” you remind him. “I promise you there’s nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“And I’m gonna hold you to that.” He nods, using your own words against you. You’re turned around by his hands on your hips until you’re facing him. A moment of silent eye contact translate to him challenging you before his pretty, soft lips slowly slide in time with yours.

The longer he kisses you, the more your body melts into his. You find yourself being pulled forward, him walking backwards. The kiss interrupted when he sits down at the foot of his bed, but then you’re pulled onto his lap, straddling him to resume it. A hand on the side of his face prompts him to deepen the kiss, and your mouth instantly opens when you feel his tongue brush against your bottom lip, the wet muscle minty when it touches your own and you curl yours around it to get an even better taste.

Your hands find his hair as his own grip your ass, pulling a muffled whimper out of you. And then you’re flipped onto your back, legs falling apart to give Johnny freedom to stand. He swiftly takes his shirt off and then he’s interrupted by your palms glide up his abdomen. You’ve never felt small around practically anyone in your adult years, but with how he hovers over you, you feel tiny. You know he and Jaehyun have been going to the gym frequently, but at this angle, you can really appreciate just how big and broad he is.

Originally, you figured you’d give him the reign to do whatever he wanted and you’d bask in being a pillow princess for once in your life, but in the position you’ve found yourself in, with his print in your face, you drag your hands back south and tug his waistband down.

Johnny just watches you silently until he understands you’re doing more than just assisting him with stripping. Your hand grabs hold of his semi (your mouth waters at how hung he is and you briefly wonder how you never noticed before), his sweatpants forgotten halfway down his thighs. The way your eyes have tunnel vision and you lick your lips tells him your plan. “You wanna suck my dick?” he asks anyway, making sure he accessed this correctly.

Your eyes fly up to meet his gaze. “Yeah. You want me to?”

“You think I’d ever say no to you?”

His response goes straight in between your legs, so you focus your attention back on his dick, which has grown some during the time of your small interaction, and you might be a little more excited about this than you initially thought you’d be.

You let spit fall from your mouth onto his tip, then spread it down with your hand. You flick your wrist up and down a few times and lean forward, licking a broad stripe up his shaft. At the deep exhale he releases, you glance up at him through your lashes, and the sight of him with his jaw tightened in anticipation makes you want to give him so much more, so you suck the tip into your mouth.

Fingers move your hair behind your ear for you and if you still had any inhibitions at this point, they’re lost now. Your head bobs back and forth slowly as you continue to look him in his eyes; it’s hard to look anywhere else when you’ve never been looked at so intensely in this position. You gather spit on the tip of your tongue and spread it across his head, circling the wet muscle around it until he hums and you need to feel the weight of him back inside.

“Tap my leg, okay?”

You furrow your brows at his words, but your silent question is answered when there’s a hand on the back of your head and the tip of his dick hits the back of your throat lightly as if in warning before his hips pull back then he’s back in your throat. Your hands come up to his thighs as he sets a slow pace to fuck your face, and when his head falls back the moment he realizes he can go as far as he wants, you close your eyes and prepare for the onslaught you know you’re about to take.

Johnny’s hips instantly pick up speed and roughness, and while he’s still in control of himself, he loses a bit of sanity. After a year of silent pining and thinking this would never happen, he’s fucking his boss's face, and of course, of fucking course you don’t have a gag reflex.

You stick your tongue out flat to lick at the bottom of his shaft as he does the rest of the work and the feeling of spit bubbling out the sides of your mouth and making its way down your chin digs your fingers into his skin since you can’t clench your thighs together. Your hair is gathered for extra leverage, and the pull of your scalp is such a delicious feeling you moan helplessly just when your nose comes in contact with trimmed hairs.

“Shit,” he hisses, picking his head back up to watch as he slows back down but thrusts in rougher. You clearly enjoy being used like this, spit traveling down your chin to the point of landing on your jacket and darkening the material. You’re a mess in the best possible way, and this is an image that will haunt his memory for a very long time.

More of his resolve crumbles at the feeling of your hands curling around to his butt to press him even closer into you, even further down your throat. You haven’t even been touched, barely kissed, but you’re lightheaded and extremely aroused. While he contemplates if he should cum down your throat or wait until he’s buried in your pussy, you’re silently hoping he lets you taste him soon.

Johnny drags his dick out of your mouth at an extremely slow pace, and how you wrap your lips around him and open your hooded, darkened eyes to look at him again shoots a shiver of pleasure up his spine.

“Never would’ve thought,” he says around an amused exhale.

“Hm?” you prompt, releasing him with a loud pop.

“Nothing.” He shakes his head. He grips his dick with his free hand and taps the tip on your awaiting tongue, amused and extremely turned on. Smearing fluids over your tongue and lips, he softly demands: “Play with your pussy for me.”

The smile you give him is a concoction of wicked and endearing. He releases your hair as you manage to wiggle out of your leggings. You soaked through your lace and leggings, you both notice, and Johnny stops you with a disapproving hum when you make a move to remove your panties as well. You squint, he laughs and shakes his head.

“Over your panties.” You roll your eyes but listen nonetheless, slipping your hand in between your thighs. The material is extremely wet to the touch, and the slickness helps with making the friction pleasurable when your fingertips find your clit and begin rubbing circles. “Slowly.”

Johnny finds your huff of frustration adorable.

The tip of his dick taps your mouth again to gain your attention. You suck spit up to the front of your mouth, then your mouth is stretched wide once again, hand back in your hair.

Having your throat fucked with the additional pleasure on your clit, even with the slow pace you’re forced to go at, has you practically whining, the sound going in and out as he goes in and out your mouth. That vibration only spurs Johnny to grip your locks tighter and thrust in deeper to feel as much as your mouth and throat offer.

“You were made for this, huh?”

“Mhm,” you affirm, eyes rolling back at the way he pulls your hair to tip your head back and get a different, much better angle.

Johnny honestly didn’t expect you to submit so easily to him. The visual of your face all messy, eyes hardly opened to look into his eyes and hair out of place while touching yourself sparks that feeling in his lower abdomen.

“You want me to cum in your mouth?” You hum again and even with a mouth full of dick you manage to smile. You’re getting what you wanted. “Don’t swallow it until I tell you to.”

It takes a few more strokes for Johnny to fulfill your wish. The moment his head falls back again you use your free hand to caress his balls, and that does it. He leaves the tip in so that his cum pools onto your tongue and strokes every drop out. The groan he lets out causes you to unintentionally swipe at your clit faster, but he’s distracted anyway.

“Let me see,” Johnny says after collecting himself and stepping back. You straighten your head so none slides down your throat and open your mouth wider for his inspection. He smiles in approval, wishing he could take a picture of the sight before him. “Swallow.”

You lick your lips and wipe away all the spit that traveled outside of your mouth with the sleeve of your jacket after doing so.

Johnny completely removes his pants before he leans down to kiss you again. His tongue languidly licks against the seam of your mouth for an entrance that you grant instantly. While it curls around your own and he gets a taste of himself, Johnny’s hand guides you to bend one leg and he caresses your outer thigh.

“Good?” Johnny asks for extra measure, lips just barely dragging across your cheek to press opened mouth kisses on your jaw. Your head automatically tilts to the opposite side to give him more real estate. You hum, your mouth a bit preoccupied with how your teeth have trapped your bottom lip.

Your breath stutters at the gentle scrape of his teeth along the length of your neck after he unzips the high neck of your top to expose more skin. Whichever scent you chose to put on today has Johnny latched onto your neck for a while, kissing, licking, nibbling the skin to the point of your breath coming out a lot louder than before and the seat on your underwear getting uncomfortably wetter. You’re throbbing at this point and not being touched enough, so you claw at his sides and call his name quietly.

Johnny eventually spreads your legs more and maneuvers himself in between them. Both of your legs bend at the knee to accommodate his large build in the middle of them, and the hand that isn’t keeping himself propped up by your head kneads your hip.

“You know how long I’ve been wanting to get you like this?”

“How long?” you prompt, voice hardly above a whisper.

“Since the day you gave me a tour of the building,” he admits and slowly rises until he’s up on his knees.

“That’s a long time,” you respond lamely, hardly caring when your pussy is practically screaming at you to be touched. He raises a brow, and when he looks back up at your face, your lip is back in between your teeth.

If he doesn’t touch you soon you might explode.

“I’ve wanted this for a while, too,” you decide to confess, hoping it gets you somewhere. And it does. It’s almost like you’re rewarded for it by Johnny walking back on his knees until he’s far enough to settle on his stomach, face barely inches away from the apex of your thighs. He subconsciously licks his lips at the smell of you. He’s been wanting to taste you for so long now, but he refrains himself because he sees how you’re affected by the lack of attention to your heat. He promised he’d take care of you and that’s exactly what he’s going to do. But not before breaking you.

“Wish you would’ve told me sooner,” he eventually tells you after having you hold your breath for way too long.

“You know I couldn’t.” The way Johnny looks at you, attentive to every word that comes out of your mouth while he smoothly scoops your legs over his shoulders to wrap his arms around your thighs, makes you continue speaking. “Seems like everything fell into place, though.”

Johnny nods, rests his head on one of your thighs, and looks up at you, brown eyes still watching your mouth intently, as he unhooks one of his arms to push your right leg further to the side. His fingers are soon on your center, gliding up and down your slit, bumping into your clit with each pass.

“I guess it did.”

Before you can reply, he adds more pressure behind his touch, and your hips just barely lift to get even more. The smile you get in return is attractive as all hell but annoying. He knows exactly what he’s doing to you or he’s just really enjoying himself. Either way, you’re getting more impatient by the second, if the way your hips rise to grind your core against his fingers again says anything.

“Stay still for me, okay?” You almost pout because you need more, but you promised to give him total control of the situation and you’ve done well thus far, so you press your ass back into his comforter. “There you go.”

Your pussy clenches around nothing.

The light pressure on your clit is soon gone and then the zipper of your jacket gets dragged down all the way. “Take this off for me.”

Sitting up, you do as told. You toss it where your leggings had been dropped and now you’re presented in front of the awe-struck brunet in just your matching set of underwear. You figured you’d wear something nice under your clothes, both for Johnny’s pleasure and for your confidence, and with how Johnny’s eyes settle on the way your breasts are trying to burst out of your snug lacy bra, you know you chose well.

A hand slides up your torso to grab one of your breasts and squeeze it. Somewhere in the midst of him fondling your chest and pressing teasing, yet promising kisses on your inner thighs your eyes drift shut again as you bask in the pleasure. One of your own hands comes up from your side to slide under the cup of your unoccupied tit and pull at your nipple.

The tip of Johnny’s tongue drags dangerously close to your annoying-still-clothed heat and your patience is shot.

“John…”

“Yes?”

“I need more.”

He has the audacity to hum and give your clit a kitten lick. “Do you?”

You huff, stuck between just pushing his face into your pussy or doing what he asks of you, but you promised, so you suck in a breath and give him what he wants.

“John,” you say again, almost whining.

He doesn’t say anything, just continues to look at you expectantly. And when too much time goes by, it somehow hits you what he wants from you and you groan quietly to yourself.

“Please.��

“That was very convincing,” Johnny snorts. His nose glides across the inside of your thigh like he’s got all the time in the world. It tickles in the best way, but it’s nothing but teasing and you’ve been stimulated enough that if you go more than a couple of seconds more without his mouth giving you direct pleasure, you’ll go insane. So with a great amount of willpower, you try again.

“Johnny,” you whine, giving him your best pout. Addressing him so informally feels foreign, but the way his eyes light up encourages you to keep going.“Please?”

And of course a big smile takes up half of his face and you mentally prepare yourself for what’s next to come. He peels your panties off, both of you watching the line of slick that stretches then breaks in the process, and when you spread your legs even more for him, his mouth salivates.

Johnny makes sure you’re looking into his eyes as his tongue licks a wide stripe from your entrance to your clit. He wants to be smug at the gasp you let out, but the taste of you shuts his ego up quickly.

You squeak when you’re suddenly flipped onto your stomach and your ass is lifted up into the air. With yet another broad lick to coat his taste buds with your essence, Johnny buries his face in your pussy. He uses the tip of his tongue to collect the puddle of wetness you’ve produced and smears it over your clit, soon digging inside to directly stimulate the bundle of nerves.

Johnny’s lips close around your clit and he sucks on it softly. As the moments pass he gradually sucks harder to the point of you not being able to fight the way your eyes flutter shut and hips push back. He’s nice about the movement, just grabbing your hips to keep you still, soon caressing and kneading.

“Mm, that feels good,” you compliment. At that very moment, Johnny decides to roll his tongue in up and down motions and apply more pressure behind his hands. “Fuck, that feels so good.”

He prompts you with a hum of his own.

With how your moans start to get louder and your breath gets quicker and harder, not to mention the tingles you feel building in intensity, you know you’re already close. It’s a beautiful yet frustrating feeling because you don’t want this to end so soon after waiting so long. But you also want him inside of you so bad now.

Johnny comes back up to circle your entrance, and then he goes even higher.

“Are you— fuck,” you groan deeply.

Your hands grip the pillow your face is buried in and your eyes have found the back of your head again. Johnny just hums at the way you react, the octave of your voice as you let out your sounds of pleasure go straight to his dick. His tongue licks filthily up and down, not leaving an inch untouched nor missing a drop of your juice. His fingers rub your entrance until he slides one in. One becomes two after a few pumps, then his thumb presses into your clit and your back is arched almost uncomfortably.

“Johnny,” you whine again, breath hiccuped.

“Yes?” he prompts, lifting his head and looking up to see your face peaking around your body, smushed into his pillow still.

“I wanna cum,” you tell him. It feels too good now. “Fuck, I need to come, Johnny.”

“Then cum for me.” His voice is so gentle yet commanding as his digits speed up. He tongues the skin between your holes sloppily and you try to curl into yourself, your mouth wide opened with no sound coming out of it, your walls clenching madly around the fingers inside of you, and your grip on the cushion is borderline painful.

Johnny helps you ride out your orgasm for as long as possible until your body begins shuddering due to oversensitivity. He gradually slows down to a stop, then removes himself from your body to let you breathe correctly. While he sucks on his fingers, he uses his clean hands to soothingly rub your back, waiting for you to calm back down.

You’re a bit dazed during the transition of more kissing that leads you on top of him, straddling him once again. You vaguely remember the caresses on your waist or the pinch of his fingers playing with your nipples, but the feeling of your bare pussy dragging against his dick is very memorable because it sparks a desperate need within you to sit on it.

Johnny’s hands on your hips move you to continue the friction, moving you back and forth on his dick easily. Foreheads connected as you catch your breath from the kiss you just broke away from, the two of you watch silently as his head reappears and disappears behind your lips, turning you both on until he’s fully hard again and you can’t handle him not being inside of you anymore.

You lift up on your knees to align his tip with your entrance. A silent look is exchanged where you ask and he nods once. He lets you take your time, enjoying the feeling of his tip directly rubbing against your sopping entrance.

Your labored breaths at the sensation bring his attention to your chest, and his mouth wraps around a nipple without a thought. By now, you deem his dick wet enough to press his head in your hole and press your hips down. The moment he slides in your head falls back because the stretch burns in the best way. It feels like time doesn’t exist as you work your way down his length, inch by inch. Your hips naturally find a slow rhythm as you lift and drop them to take in more until he slides in and out easily.

When your features no longer show discomfort, Johnny begins moving with you. Every time he lifts his hips up a little to meet your thrusts his body slumps down the headboard. His hands are loose on your waist as you move your body up and down and he’s got the perfect view of his dick going in and out of your core while you’re controlling the pace and intensity. The muscles in your thighs start to burn, so you slow down to a stop and carefully slide your way down until your clit comes in contact with his pubic bone, resulting in your eyes rolling back, hips grinding on their own accord.

“How the fuck do you feel this good?” Johnny groans deeply, hands gripping your ass to assist your movements.

His compliment, his hungry, intense gaze as they take you in from your eyes—which mirror his own—down to the trail of slick you’ve left behind on his tamed curls from the swivel of your hips, and the way his cock rubs against your g-spot send you over the edge within moments. Johnny soothingly rubs a cheek with one hand while the other caresses your arched spine, keeping his hips still to let you ride your orgasm out on your own.

You slump into him, head on his shoulder, panting against his neck. A sigh of content slips out when Johnny hugs you tightly against his broad chest right before asking, “You alright?”

“Great,” you reply breathlessly.

Johnny smiles at the positive response. He lifts his hips experimentally and gauges your reaction, which is a satisfied hum.

“You want more?” he asks, hands moving to your hips to carefully grind against him. How could you say no? “Hands and knees, baby.”

You begin climbing off to the side of him then he follows your lead and lifts himself up so you can settle on your knees and bend until your face slides onto his pillow. Your hands grab the sides of it in anticipation.

A deep groan sounds from behind you, so you crane your neck and see the way he stares down at how he can see everything you have to offer him at this moment. One hand goes to his dick while the other massages one of your cheeks. He runs the swollen tip of his dick along your slit, collecting what’s oozed out. You close your eyes and relax the side of your face into the cushion beneath it and take a breath, preparing yourself for the stretch and intensity this angle never fails to bring.

He slowly starts to breach your entrance. There’s a pause, then you hear him spit down before more of him slips inside of you inch by inch with each roll of his hips. He keeps his movements shallow for a while and your walls reaccept him easily. A particular thrust sends him deep inside of you, his tip just barely kissing your cervix. Your body’s first instinct is to run away from it. His hands on your hips stop you from fleeing, holding you still and rubbing the skin there to ease you.

“I won’t go too deep,” he tells you, hips still as he kisses up your spine and makes you dizzy by the tenderness of it all. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

You nod at his promises and take another steadying breath, then the pleasurable friction is back. You’d believe anything he told you with that intoxicating voice of his.

A loud, embarrassing squelch comes out of your core when he’s sheathed inside that makes you bury your face into the pillow. There’s one last kiss at the top of your spine before the body heat from his chest is gone and he’s back upright. He finds his rhythm easily, and hands return to your backside, fingers digging into the flesh, no doubt leaving behind white imprints. He uses his grip as leverage to fuck down into you at a different angle that allows him to speed up and rip an unrestrained moan from your throat.

“You okay?”

You nod violently and sob, “Yes! Oh, my god, yes.”

Content, Johnny hums and you just know he’s grinning down at you by the sound of his voice when he asks: “Feels good?”

“So good,” you whine, unable to close your mouth or stop noises from coming out of it. You begin dropping your hips down to meet his thrusts, the loud smacks of skin against skin echoing and bouncing off of the walls of his room. “Fuck it feels so good, Johnny.”

“I know, baby” he groans. “And this pussy feels so fucking good—shit.”

The two of you get lost in the rhythm you’ve created and no more words are exchanged for a while, just the sound of groans that comes deep from Johnny’s throat and whines and pants that make you drool all while drying your throat out. The room has gotten increasingly hotter and your bodies now shine with a thin, sticky sheen that makes the back of your thighs stick to the front of his own every time he fucks back into you. Your sensitive nipples rub harshly against the sheets, stimulating you even further to the point of another sob ripping out of your throat and your walls fluttering around his girth.

“I’m gonna cum,” you whimper. Your divulgence prompts him to reach his arm under you to graze his fingertips over your engorged clit and then you’re repeating your words over and over again until your actions meet your words and you’re cumming all over him. Your essence drips down the insides of your thighs and his balls and his thrusts create wetter, louder noises. A swivel of your hips causes his dick to pop out and suddenly your body is vibrating.

“There you go, baby,” Johnny praises you, sliding back into you and precisely hitting that spot within you a few more times until your pussy clenches again and he pulls out again, letting more wetness spray the sheets under you.

“Look at you,” he continues with a deep chuckle. “Making such a big mess.”

You don’t know if he really meant for you to look but your curiosity gets the best of you and you lift your head and look in between your legs. There’s a dark puddle on his sheets and another whine leaves your body, your head falling back into the pillow.

“Can you handle more?” Johnny asks you softly, slapping the top of your asscheek with his dick.

You need more. You don’t know what the hell Johnny has done to you and your body but you feel empty and not satisfied enough. Your core is raw at this point but you want nothing more than to feel the velvety skin of his thick, long dick sliding in and out of you and hitting every spot in you that makes your body convulse again.

“Please,” you beg, wagging your hips to emphasize your needs. “Please, Johnny.”

“I’ve got you begging now?” He sounds so turned on yet taken aback, another dark laugh vibrating your body at the nod of your head and movement of your body. If you were in your right mind, you would be ashamed of your behavior and submission to your assistant, but you’re not. And who cares when you’ve never felt this way before and crave to feel even more?

“I need it,” you confess without shame. “Need you back inside of me.”

Johnny doesn’t need any more convincing to be back, deep within you and instantly satisfying you again. Your breath stutters and it’s not easy to speak in coherent sentences, but that doesn’t stop you from trying to voice your pleasure and appreciation to the brunet whose self-control only continues to dissolve the faster he slams into you and the higher your voice gets.

Both of your breath patterns get quicker, loud, more erratic, signaling the approach of his first release and your third? Fourth? You can’t keep up with it when your brain has turned into mush and you can barely remember your own name, only his own registering in your brain. His name rolls off of your tongue like a mantra, driving him insane behind you.

“Where do you want me to cum?” he pants. It takes you too long to swallow in an attempt to lubricate your throat and answer him, Johnny humming in question impatiently.

“My back,” you manage to squeak out. You’re impressed with the amount of control he has, the slamming of his hips into your ass somehow speeding up and getting rougher. Johnny lacks the control and precision from before, and the way his tip kisses your cervix rips a yell out of you, eyes watering as you hold on for dear life. He releases a drawn out groan from deep within, and not too long later you feel ropes of cum land on your lower back and ass.

Your body is shaking. Tears leak out of your eyes, your breath is hard to catch, and quiet cries come out. You’re gently flipped over and pulled into strong arms, quickly finding comfort in the chest you settle into.

“You’re okay, baby,” Johnny’s soft voice says to you, but you can’t open your eyes or your mouth to acknowledge him. You’re confused about why you’re reacting to this, but you don’t dislike it. Especially when you have Johnny to soothe you and help you calm down. “Are you hurting anywhere?”

You shake your head and finally try to respond, but it takes a couple of coughs and harsh swallows of spit to do so. “No. I feel good. Everywhere.”

Your speech is choppy, unlike your usual way of speaking, but stringing words into sentences that flow well is too much work right now. Johnny doesn’t mind; he loves that he had that effect on you after you’ve had him under your spell for so long. He loves the fact he successfully kept his promise to you and now you’re boneless in his arms.

He reaches for the glass of water on his nightstand and hands it to you. “Are you ready for a bath?”

“Can I fall asleep in the bath?” you ask, wiping your face tiredly.

“Sure,” Johnny says softly before setting you down on the dry part of the bed. “I’ll come get you once it’s ready.”

That’s how the rest of the day plays out, you getting taken care of in multiple ways. Your favorite method is with his tongue and fingers as he made out with your pussy for what felt like hours in lieu of an apology for going so hard. And maybe Johnny purposely falls asleep next to you after you’re bathed, fed, and exhausted from coming, curled up into his side in the new sheets because he wants you to stay a little longer. There’s no way in hell he’ll ever get to see this side of you again after today.

“Good morning,” Johnny greets you. It’s eight in the morning the following Monday, and he’s got your avocado toast and fruit in his hands as he walks up to your desk.

You're rummaging through your bag looking for the bobby pins you threw inside of it this morning in your rush to get to work on time because believe it or not, you overslept. You give up in favor of looking up to greet him back, but your voice decides not to come out when your eyes lock with his. There hadn’t been any contact since you woke up in the middle of the night and he walked you to his door with a lingering kiss that quite literally took your breath away to close out the short chapter of your relationship you’d just created. You were still tired, but you definitely were not supposed to sleep over, so it was nothing.

But now, seeing the same eyes that stared into your own while you came and cried his name multiple times, all you can do is blink. And then he licks his pretty lips. You knew this would happen. You’re not mad at it, though. How could you be when you’d never experienced someone like him before? In hindsight, there was no possible way to go back to normal after the intimacy, tenderness, and raw attraction you shared that day. No possible way to never want another taste.

“You okay?” he asks unsurely, setting your plates down.

And here it comes.

“Johnny,” you say lowly, setting your bag down. The quirk in his brow and the corner of his mouth lets you know he’s onto you. And that just makes things easier for you. “Lock the door.”

yikesssssss

#johnny seo scenarios #johnny seo scenario #johnny seo smut #nct scenarios #nct scenario #nct smut #lets not talk abt the ending i needed to end this monster

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archonoftears · 4 years ago

Text

info: modern au! reader receives a package that helps her tease her boyfriend while he’s at work.

warnings: 18+ smut, slight breeding kink (mentioned), lingerie, phone sex (kinda), pretty vanilla, no penetration, just description, a tiny bit of dom/sub (implied through dialogue)

word count: 1,626

authors note: umm head empty, thoughts only filled with laying in zhonglis bed and teasing him over the phone. i really can’t remove myself from modern au! with ceo daddy zhong. so here we are again. not gonna lie though, i found myself looking at dragon dildos yesterday and now i just wanna write dragon zhongli and sacrificial maiden. so maybe after i finish with the first chapter of my other fic i’ll get right on that.

ps no beta, i just kinda got this out and edited it once. so sorry if any mistakes or issues.

please thirst with me if you want to!!

Glancing around your dining room table you felt defeated by the amount of packages staring back at you. You were surprised by the latest delivery of clothing you had received for PR from a few high end designers. You knew you shouldn't have been shocked, dating a CEO of a multi million dollar cooperation came with many perks. Yet you never imagined anything like this. Knowing the mess would only stay on the table if you didn’t start tackling it. You began opening up a few packages, finding bags and shoes. Even the latest spring wear from the major brand ‘Liyue Qixing’ sat in a box for you. Before setting your eyes on a more intricate looking box. Opening it to discover some of the most beautiful lingerie you had seen in a long time. Looking at the brand name ‘Scent of Spring’. You didn’t recognize it, but you were quite enamored with the pieces inside.

Forgoing opening any more packages you quickly gathered the items in the box and wandered off to the bedroom you shared with your boyfriend. Selecting a ivory and gold silk longline balconette bra, with matching thong, and harness. The gold tulle flowers that patterned the silk and lace were soft and delicate under your fingers. You couldn’t go a second longer without wearing the beautiful set. Quickly stripping off the clothes you were wearing and slipping on the lingerie. Loving the feel of the soft lace and silk against your skin. Staring at yourself in the mirror.

‘This lingerie had to be designed by some deity who knew Zhongli’s taste.’ You thought to yourself as you admired the way the balconette bra exposed half of your breast and how the thong straps cut into the flesh of your hip in a sexy way, giving your body a more defined silhouette.

A light bulb went off in your head, walking over to grab your phone and opening the camera app, returning back to the mirror. Posing yourself quite provocative as you snapped several photos, dropping to your knees and taking a few more photos, before flipping through them. A coy smile playing on your lips as you went to call Zhongli.

Zhongli was startled by the sound of his phone ringing on his desk, glancing down to see your contact photo, a smile immediately forming on his face, he swiped to answer.

“Hello (name), is everything alright my dear?” Zhongli greeted as he turned from the documents in front of him and leaned back in his chair. You seldom ever called him when you knew he was going to be in the office all day, preferring to email him if you needed anything so he assumed this must have been important.

“Everything is fine, just calling to see what you were up to.” You greeted over the phone. Zhongli let out a small sigh, relieved that nothing was wrong.

“I’m just preparing for a meeting with Fatui Industries in a little bit.” Zhongli started, glancing at the clock to check the time. “What are you doing today my dear.” He asked, knowing you didn’t have much on your schedule today.

“Well I was going through some packages I received, you know the PR kind. It was mostly clothes from some nice designers.” You hummed, he could hear you twirling your hair in your fingers as you spoke.

“Oh really? Hopefully they sent things that are your style.”

“That’s why I was calling actually. There was this one package, the clothes are really nice. But I think they’re more to your taste, and I wanted to get your opinion on them.” You confessed.

“Of course, I can do that when I get home for you if you would like.” Zhongli replied, glancing at the clock noting that he had about 27 minutes until his meeting. “I should be done with work after I meet with Signora and Childe.”

“I’m actually sending you a couple photos right now, please check your email and tell me what you think.” He couldn’t put his finger on it, but you seemed awfully excited about all of this but he complied with your request.

“Of course, one moment.” Opening his email, quickly finding the one from you at the top and opening it, his eyes widening in realization as he enlarged one of several photos in the email. His voice catching in his throat as he examined it.

“Are the clothes to your liking, sir.” You cooed from the other end of the phone, knowing very well they were in fact to his liking.

“Ms. (Name)..” Zhongli growled quietly.

“Yes sir?” You asked innocently, Zhongli aware of the game you were playing, but nevertheless here he was clicking on the next photo, feeling his pants grow tighter as he continued to view the photos. The one of you on your knees sending more blood rushing to his already aching erection.

“Are you being a good girl right now?”

“I’m always a good girl Sir.”

“Are you? You don’t look to be acting like a good girl in these photos.”

“Then should I send you some more photos so you make sure I’m being good?” He could feel himself getting riled up just by the implications of what was being said.

“Well… I’ve already sent them so hopefully you don’t mind.”

Not needing to be told twice Zhongli refreshed his email inbox to find a new message. Opening it to discover new attachments. Slowly he clicked the first picture. Finding you not in front of the mirror in the bedroom anymore, but now on the black sateen sheets of the bed the two of you shared. Angling the camera in a way to show how you would look if he had you pinned down. You looked ravishing, from the way you let your cleavage spill out exposing your nipples, to the way you spread your legs.

The next photo your hand was on one of your breast cupping and pinching the nipple. The next photo was taken lower, your hand was now in your panties clearly teasing yourself. And the final attachment was a video, it was no more than 15 seconds, but in those 15 seconds you show yourself pumping your fingers in and out of your pussy, before dragging your fingers out of yourself and licking the wet slick off your digits. Zhongli was taking deep breaths as he watched. His eyes following your every movement.

“Sir…” You moaned, lust lacing every syllable. “Do you think I look like a good girl in those photos?”

Zhongli couldn’t say anything for a moment. Letting the video replay itself over and over, his eyes finding new things to focus on each time it replayed. From the way your plump lips wrapped around your fingers or the way you quivered when you plunged your two digits into yourself. He just wanted to see you do more.

“When did being a good girl equate to acting like quite the little slut? Surely I’ve taught you better than that.” Zhongli replied firmly, as he adjusted the way he was sitting to accommodate his throbbing cock.

“This is what you’ve taught me…” the breathiness of your voice letting him know you were in fact still touching yourself as you replied.

“I don’t recall teaching you to send provocative photos to me while I’m at work.” He glanced at the clock again, 16 minutes until the meeting. Fuck.

“Did they make you hard?” You asked suddenly.

He was not a liar, so he wouldn’t lie to you. “Yes they did…”

“Did they make you want to come home and stuff your big. thick. cock inside of me.” The punctionaction of your words were breaking him down.

“Yes they did…”

“Master are you going to come home so I can show you how much of a good girl I am, when I’m milking your cock.”

“My Lily… I-” Zhongli wasn’t used to you being this forward with him.

“I need you to come home and fuck me now. Because if you don’t pump me full of your cum I might go crazy.” You whined your voice working wonders on his resolve. “Please… Please come home and breed me sir.”

One final weak glance at his clock showed he had 9 minutes before they would arrive.

You moaned again calling his name out through the phone, the thread holding his composure together snapping.

“You’re not allowed to cum until I get home do you understand.” Zhongli growled into the phone, quickly on his feet, grabbing his bag and making his way to the door of his office. “Do you understand?”

“Yes sir..!” You exclaimed.

“I hope you understand you won’t be walking for the next few days my Little Lily.” He warned before leaving the safety of his private office.

“Yes yes! Hurry please.”

“I am.” Quickly saying goodbye and hanging the phone up with you, while walking towards two approaching figures.

“Mr. Zhongli goo-” Signora began, reaching her hand out to greet him, but he didn’t meet it.

“My apologies, there seems to be an emergency at home, can you meet with my assistant to reschedule.” Zhongli haphazardly explained. “Again my deepest apologies.” He finished, turning on his heel and b lining it to the exit. Letting the receptionist know that he was leaving and scrambling for the parking garage.

“What do you think his emergency was?” Signora stood bewildered where Zhongli had left her and Childe.

“Do you think everything is alright?

Childe seemed to be having the best laugh of his life as his colleague pondered the obvious.

“Trust me everything’s fine.” Childe said in between laughs. “We should probably reschedule for Monday, he’ll probably need the whole weekend off.”

“This is why I hate partnering with you, you’re too vague sometimes.”

#zhongli x reader #zhongli x fem!reader #zhongli x you #modern au! genshin impact #smut #imagine a big bed of black and gold sheets #a bed designed for a god #that's the bed i wanna be spread out on for zhongli #cakey cries #genshin impact x reader #rex lapis x reader #morax x reader #genshin x reader

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oxpogues4lifexo · 3 months ago

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Keeping up with the Camerons

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Keeping up with the Camerons

Episode 2 - A Helping Hand - Part 1

Episode transcript (/ means cut scene, bold italics means narrator, bold means host)

Word Count: 4.5 K

Full Episode Here - 13.5K Words