#i feel so much anxiety and anger and jealousy and hatred and sadness thinking about this i just need to rant

[beanniiee]

rant in the tags

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Sun and Fun (S2, E12)

I can’t believe FOX has cancelled this absolute masterpiece of a show. I’m devastated. I’d like to think we’ll get picked up by another network for season 3 but I’m a pessimist and I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ll be hanging around the fandom either way though. 

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - Malcolm losing it in Martin’s cell? *chef’s kiss*. 1) excellent performance by Tom. 2) This is the Malcolm mental health content I subscribed for. This is Malcolm feeling overwhelmed, helpless, worthless, and frustrated all at the same time. This. Is. Wonderful. And. Realistic. This is what overwhelming anxiety (especially if you have an anxiety disorder) can feel like. It builds and builds until all of a sudden you’re consumed with all this nervous energy and frustration and it all turns to rage in an instant. But you’re not angry at other people. You don’t want to hurt anyone. That rage is just self hatred because you hate that you feel this broken and your stupid brain won’t function normally. 

0:33 - annnnd then when the excess nervous energy is spent but that feeling of self-hatred, despair, and fear still remains - you’re physically exhausted and 7/10. times you cry. Again, crying because of how stupid you feel for your little rage outburst, for how stupid you feel for feeling this terrible all the time. Malcolm is depicting a severe anxiety episode perfectly (in my experience) and THIS is why FOX is moronic for cancelling the show. The gorgeous and accurate depictions of mental health in Prodigal Son is unprecedented, truthful, and heartbreaking. It’s like nothing else on television. 

0:50 - This kind of hurts. Look at how cautiously Dani enters the room. Almost as if Malcolm is a wild animal she doesn’t want to scare. It makes sense given the state of the room she just entered and how completely openly and uncharacteristically vulnerable Malcolm is. I will say this though, despite how cautious she is, it’s obvious that she cares about Malcolm more than whatever happened before she walked into the room.

 1:03 - “So all eyes are on his head case son right?” This line is a direct quote from Malcolm’s anxiety disorder and depression. This is how you feel about yourself when in the middle of an anxiety episode when you’re also depressed. BUT OUR GIRL DANI!!! <3 This girl looks confused and concerned to hear Malcolm diss himself like that. The fact that she tries to comfort him when he’s in this state, makes her an absolutely A++ friend. 

1:11 - “No one cares about that.” “I CARE. I can’t live like this.” This scene resonates with me so so so much. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been 100% aware of how irrational my anxieties are and simultaneously 100% unable to do a damn thing about it because I’m too scared of who I’d be without the fear. Because I’ve defined myself by my anxieties for so long that it’s become the only definable element of my personality visible to me. I’m getting that vibe from Malcolm. I’m sure that’s exactly how he’s feeling right now.

1:30 - “That’s not what scares you. What scares you is living the rest of your life without your father in it.” Dani knows and I felt personally called out. THIS EMOTIONAL WHUMP IS GIVING ME LIFE. <3

1:39 - Look at our floppy haired, devastated boy. :( <3 I’m genuinely shook that he didn’t have a full mental breakdown this episode (but it’s coming....it’s inevitable at this point :) ). ALSO the look of absolute love and concern Dani is shooting towards Malcolm? Absolutely perfect. <3

1:51 - I genuinely find it so interesting that Malcolm keeps referring to “The Surgeon” as “Martin”. If you read my thoughts on 2x11 you know I think it’s because Malcolm has separated ‘Martin Whitly’ into three separate people in his head. “The Surgeon” = the serial killer who traumatized him and ruined his childhood. “Dad/Father” = the man who loved and cared for baby!Malcolm. But “Martin” = unknown. Malcolm doesn’t know who Martin is yet and it scares him. 

1:58 - “For once in your life slow down and acknowledge what this is doing to you.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this line. So. So. SO. MUCH. <3 <3 This is the kind of comfort Malcolm needs. SOMEONE needs to tell him that he’s breaking, it’s not his fault, and he doesn’t deserve to suffer for Martin.

2:07 - annnnnnd Malcolm has gone full crazy-person string murder board. He’s right but he’s still acting like a manic crazy person. Like, a real one. Not his usual manic behaviour. This is straight up - this boy needs medication, a nap, therapy, and a doctor. Now.

2:34 - Ugh. This whole cop/Vivian scene made my skin crawl. So gross. So creepy. I hate Capshaw. So much. This woman is manipulative, evil, and so so creepy. The cop was also gross. But I 100% thought she was going to kill the cop because this felt like an opening scene to Criminal Minds. 

4:38 - “THEY WERE HAVING SEX.” hhahahahahahaha holy shit. This is both hilarious and really upsetting (not just because Martin/Capshaw is NASTY). Malcolm is manically, yelling about his theories in a room full of people who love him. He sounds crazy. He’s acting crazy and Dani, JT, and Gil are just staring at him with a mixture of disbelief, concern, and sympathy. <3 It’s heartbreaking. Malcolm is an inch away from a mental breakdown. I’m here for it. 

4:49 - “TMI bro.” <3

 5:05 - Ugh. This breaks my heart. The team doesn’t think Malcolm is crazy. They just know he’s at the end of his rope. The looks they’re exchanging aren’t based in anger, contempt, or a lack of trust. They’re based in concern and I LOVE IT. 

5:21 - LOOK AT OUR BABY. He’s breaking. He’s so close. :( Look at how desperate he is to find Martin. 

5:35 - “That’s exactly what it means.” “Gil, please. You know how much I need this.” THIS HURTS. Gil isn’t angry here - he’s frustrated and scared for Malcolm. And Malcolm? This boy is toeing the line of a full breakdown in front of 3 of his favourite people - that’s out of character for him. Despite the shaking hand and general mania - Malcolm usually refrains from raising his voice in front of Dani and JT. He tries to stay calm-ish so he doesn’t get labelled as ‘violent’ like his serial killer father. 

 5:39 - “StOp. I am scared.” Dani knew exactly how to diffuse the situation. Malcolm can be manipulative and dysfunctional but he never wants to scare people (at least, not unless they’re suspects or obstructing justice). 

5:46 - “I’m not ordering you this time. I’m begging you.” Papa!Gil’s seen Malcolm like this before. SO WHY IS NO ONE HUGGING MALCOLM?!?! The boy is clearly coming apart at the seams. 

5:48 - Malcolm’s reaction to Gil sending him home is gorgeous. He looks sad, betrayed, and resigned. It’s as though he’s convinced himself that the team doesn’t trust him or care about him anymore. He doesn’t walk out angry. He walks out sad and determined. Head held high but eyes full of grief. 

5:54 - I’d give anything to have heard the conversation between Dani, JT, and Gil after Malcolm left the room. ANYTHING.

6:02 - “He thinks I’m a liability.” No. Not exactly. He thinks Malcolm is in the throws of a mental health crisis and that he shouldn’t be responsible for catching his serial killer father. Again. 

6:15 - “I support Gil’s decision. That does not mean I want your father dead.” #coparenting but also, true. I honestly don’t think Jessica wants Martin dead. I think she wants Ainsley and Malcolm to be happy and free from Martin but not dead. She knows that Malcolm might never recover from Martin’s death with all of his unanswered questions and suppressed childhood trauma. She also knows that Ainsley would always resent being prevented from bonding with her father. I think Jessica still loves Martin - well, the man she thought she married. Jessica doesn’t care for Martin Whitly. But she loves the man he pretended to be and even though she knows he wasn’t real - she doesn’t want him to die. I think she wants him to disappear (maybe get transferred to a prison in a different state?) but she doesn’t want him dead. That would make her no better than the serial killer (in Jessica’s mind anyways).

6:25 - “You have become consumed by this Malcolm.” Check out the side eyed look Ainsley gives Malcolm. She’s jealous. Her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown but she’s jealous of the attention he’s getting from Jessica. I get it - Jessica hasn’t been the best mom to Ainsley. BUT GIRL, gain some perspective. Don’t you care about your brother?!?! That should trump the jealousy for a few minutes at least. 

 6:35 - “I love you.” <3 <3 <3 I’m going to cry. This might be my favourite Jessica+Malcolm moment to date. So precious. 

6:43 - THIS. “I love you. Both of you. More than I hate him.” This is why Jessica doesn’t want Martin dead.....but she also doesn’t care if he lives. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it’s a real thing and if you’ve never felt that way about someone - I pray you never have to. 

7:06 - “Then she’s a victim.” .....I disagree. Capshaw had a (weird and manipulative) consensual relationship with Martin. She has as much of an agenda as Martin (although, Jessica didn’t know that here). Capshaw isn’t a victim. She’s not being compliant with Martin as a form of self-preservation or fear. She’s doing it because she’s a manipulative crazy person who is in love with a convicted serial killer. 

7:45 - I’ve never felt this unsettled while watching Prodigal Son. Capshaw showing her true colours is so so so disturbing. This woman is insane (with all the stigma). The dress. The martini (Jessica’s favourite drink?). The fact that she dressed Martin up in a suit. The music. The weirdly elegant wheelchair. The lovey way she’s talking. It all makes my skin crawl. 

8:33 - OMG. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel bad for Martin Whitly?!?!?! 

9:55 - JESSICA AND MALCOLM doing a rich person ambush tag-team IS AMAZING. <3 

9:57- How sad is this? 23 years and Jessica still can’t walk into a room without people whispering and judging her behind her back. :( This woman keeps her head held high - despite the pain she must be in - she’s a superhero. Change my mind. 

10:30 - "Malcolm Whitly? You're.." I have this headcanon that the general public assumes Malcolm is dead. He changed his last name and fell off the grid. People treat Jessica like a social pariah so she wouldn't be able to tell them otherwise. And sure, Ainsley referred to Malcolm in the present tense during her Surgeon interview but how many people actually watched it actually paid attention to that little tidbit after Martin went full blown psychopath on camera? Plus, no one really cares about the Surgeon's son enough to look him up 23 years later. At least, no one who matters.

11:25 - Like mother, like son. You can't change my mind. They have the same manipulation style. It's justice based and determined. Ainsley and Martin's style? Vindictive and self-serving. 

11:30 - Oh look. ANOTHER CONTINUITY ERROR. WHO PROOFREADS THESE SCRIPTS?!? I CAN’T KEEP OVERLOOKING THESE. For God’s sake. Send copies of the script to fans who sign NDAs or something. At least we know what happened in previous episodes. 

12:33 - "Gross." I'm with Ainsley on this one.

12:45 - "My assistant." "Long suffering". hahahha omg. I love this for two reasons: 1) it's hilarious 2) it's true. Malcolm literally disposed of a body for Ainsley. He's her assistant and he's suffered for it.

13:05 - Yo. This dude is whack. Like this is some serious Stockholm's syndrome going on here. Vivian is his hero?!? .........I can't.

13:55 - Why do the gifts Vivian sends Zeiger look like human bones? Damn this is twisted. This is like some sort of twisted serial killer pseudo-trophy situation?

14:52 - "I don't think Vivian is the victim here. I think our father is." Yikes. This is not going to help Malcolm's mental stability. At all. He's been trying to fully accept that his father is a serial killing monster who was literally never capable of loving him for the past 23 years. BUT NOW our boy has taken the role of 'good son' (prodigal son is you will) and has returned to his 10 year old mentality "I love dad. Dad loves me." and 'dad' is in trouble. Malcolm is trying to save his serial killer father and the emotional and mental hoops he's jumping through are terrifying, complex, and hauntingly realistic. <3 It's gorgeous.

15:04 - "I'm not used to this type of confinement." I love this line because of how deeply it rings true. Martin isn't used to confinement. Sure, he's been chained to a wall for 23 years but he's been relatively happy about it. He's been able to manipulate Malcolm and the other inmates. He's been given TV time, phone time, consultations, books, music, free food, and a massive private cell (seriously that cell is as big as the bachelor's suite I rent for $900 CAD a month). The man has been living a life of luxury (given his crimes). His only 'punishment'? He's stuck inside his cell and he's not allowed to kill anymore. THIS is Martin truly suffering. I kind of feel bad for him (which I never thought I'd say).

15:20 - Damn. Michael Sheen is incredible. He's genuinely making me feel concerned and scared for Martin.

15:32 - Something tells me a man hurt Capshaw in some way throughout her life. This has to be deeper than the whole "I didn't fit into the 'boys club' of surgery". Her issues with men are aggressive and alarming. This woman is nuts. This woman is why I hesitate to call myself a feminist (I generally think we should drop the titles of feminist/misogynist/racist/homophobe... and just treat people with respect. I think the titles and groups just further divide people.)

15:50 - "You're finally free." Yep. Capshaw is a nutcase. She actually believes that she's committed a perfect crime. 

16:09 - This place has virtually no furniture but I’m expected to believe someone is paying the phone bill?!?! Nah. 

17:08 - That. Smile. This woman is a devil. Like, I think I hate her as much as I hate Umbridge. But unlike Umbridge, Capshaw is downright terrifying. 

17:12 - Was anyone else kind of surprised that Martin called Jessica? I mean, I guess she was a safer choice than the cops but still...

17:20 - As creepy and this whole ‘Martin is a victim’ thing is - it’s kind of nice? Like - I just keep thinking “How does it feel Martin?!?! This is how you made your victims feel. Do you like it?” and then I realize I’m a terrible person. 

17:55 - Ainsley’s in on this. I swear, she’s somehow involved with either Capshaw or Martin. 

18:18 - Oh look. Martin is shackled to the bed. Just like Malcolm shackles himself to bed so he can sleep every night. .....I keep oscillating between being vindictive toward Martin and feeling bad for him. That’s what makes this show incredible. The ‘villain’ is human and 3 dimensional. 

18:44 - Oh God. The psychopath is jealous. This woman is UNSTABLE. How has no one locked her up yet?!?

19:43 - She’s crying. She’s actually crying. Even the rewatch of this scene is painful. I just feel so uncomfortable (which was probably the intent) and I hate both characters. They’re both actively trying to manipulate each other and it’s so creepy. Damn. 

20:15 - Holy. Shit. This woman is by far the scariest villain Prodigal Son has given us. 

21:17 - ..............I have nothing to say. My brain has short circuited. I can’t get past how horrifying this scene is. She’s a maniac.

21:57 - No one will make eye contact with Malcolm. :( They all think he’s losing it but they’re not scared of him. They’re scared for him. 

22:10 - “A trusted member of my team has a theory I run it down.” THANK YOU GIL. SUBTLY TELL MALCOLM THAT YOU TRUST HIM. That’s what he needed to hear. He was doubting that anyone cared. :( 

22:45 - “Do you HeAr yourself?!?” Ouch. Gil’s right - Malcolm sounds nuts. Unfortunately, Malcolm’s also right (more or less). Look at how sad Malcolm is - he honestly looks like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. :( Malcolm thinks Gil doesn’t trust him anymore. Malcolm thinks Gil thinks he’s crazy. It’s heartbreaking. SOMEONE HUG THIS LITTLE CINNAMON ROLL.

22:54 - JT, buddy. Not the time. You’re making this worse. :( Malcolm is two breaths away from crying. 

23:40 - “Dani, you up for this? Cause he sure isn’t.” Gil is losing it. Look at him. Gil is watching the boy he considers as his son unravel and Gil can’t do anything about it. 

23:45 - “Either way, he’s going there. I’ll keep an eye on him.” I love Dani for this. Brightwell or not - the fact that she’s willing to chase smoke in an attempt to keep Malcolm from having a full mental breakdown makes her a hero. 

23:48 - JT, hug Gil! He needs a hug! 

24:16 - Martin is screaming while shackled to a bed.....where have I seen this before? 

25:39 - “I did this for you because you needed it.”....”Dani, I respect you.” Excuse me while I go sob in the corner. Malcolm just uttered the words “I respect you.” and my heart exploded. 

26:11 - “You don’t care. None of you care if my father lives or dies.” No, Malcolm, you’re wrong. They care. They all care so so much. Not about the life of the Martin Whitly though. They care about how Martin Whitly will continue to torment you if he’s caught alive. They care about how badly you’ll grieve if he ends up dying. They care about how this will affect YOU. because they love you. 

26:22 - “You would be free.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI! He’d be in enormous pain for a while, but Malcolm would heal. 

26:56 - “Let him go, Malcolm.” <3 <3 Malcolm is listening to Dani. He’s opening up about his fears. This is good (for Malcolm’s mental health). I am happy. 

27:04 - WOW BABY! That kiss was......passionate? I mean, we all knew they were going to kiss (thanks previews) but I honestly didn’t expect a kiss this long or passionate? They’ve both been clearly denying their feelings for each other for a while though so I guess it makes sense?

27:20 - We all know Dani was going to talk about how they could make a relationship work for them and/or how she loves Malcolm but thinks he should focus on his mental health before they start dating. BUT MALCOLM? That boy thinks he just ruined his friendship with Dani and I’m heartbroken. Look at his sad little face. :( 

28:31 - sooooo when exactly did Malcolm’s phone call drop? I feel like Ainsley had more access to the conversation that just what she shares with Dani in a couple of minutes.

29:08 - Look at this sad, scared little boy. He genuinely thinks that saving Martin will earn Martin’s love. I’m heartbroken. 

29:22 - THIS. Malcolm is so desperate for Martin’s love that he essentially consented to being kidnapped, tortured, and potentially murdered. :( This is bad. 

30:06 - Malcolm took unknown drugs from a crazy person. UGH. The stress of loving this unstable man-child is going to kill me. I’m so worried for him. ALSO WHO THE HELL CHEWS PILLS?!?! That’s disgusting. 

30:24 - Dani thinks Malcolm is being a typical guy - terrified of relationships/talking about his feelings. She’s hurt. The Brightwell ship has encountered another storm. 

30:35 - Anyone else get major flashbacks to 1x11 when Gil shows up to the townhouse to tell Jessica that Malcolm’s been kidnapped? You know, when he walks past all the reporters?!

30:50 - Ugh. :( Poor Jessica. That call from Capshaw gave her quite the emotional dilemma. As she said earlier, she loves her children more than she hates Martin. Soooo does she tell someone about the call, save Martin, and let Martin continue to torment her children? Or does she let Capshaw kill Martin, compromise her morals, let her children grieve for a while - but ultimately heal? It’s an impossible choice. 

31:13 - “I know why you’re anxious Jess.” UGH. Get yourself a man you looks at you the way Gil look at Jessica. So much love. So much concern. If Gil wasn’t fictional and I wasn’t asexual (and 24) I would marry that man. 

31:23 - “He has become convinced that his father is a victim in all of this.” Gil is so upset. He’s angry - at Martin for having this much power over Malcolm so many years later. He’s angry that Malcolm is still suffering so much because of his father. He’s upset because Martin is still hurting the people Gil loves 23 years after he was initially arrested. 

31:33 - “There’s no good outcome here Jess.” Thank you. Gil is a man with awareness into Malcolm’s psyche. He knows this is going to hurt Malcolm no matter what happens. He’s scared and he’s bracing himself for impact. I love him. I want more people in the world who love people this deeply. 

31:50 - “It’s okay to hope for that you know.” THANK YOU GIL. THANK YOU. Someone needed to tell Jessica that she’s not a monster for wanting the reason her children continue to suffer to disappear (even if tha means he dies). It’s not a malicious, evil thought toward Martin. It’s a hope for her children’s wellbeing. 

32:04 - “And in my weaker moments, I want him dead too.” <3 I’m imagining Gil praying that Martin is killed by an inmate after he comforts a teenage Malcolm from a nightmare. I’m imagining Gil praying Riker’s finally kills Martin as he watched Malcolm spiral into Martin’s grasp again last year. I’m imagining Gil crying himself to sleep because he’s so damn tired of watching Jessica and Malcolm suffer because of Martin. I love him for it. <3

32:15 - “Maybe things could be different.” .....I’m sorry. Does this mean Gillica is off again?! The flirting and dancing from 2x9 meant nothing?!? It was a hoax?!? I’m furious. 

32:35 - “It’s the actions that matter.” Damn. Gil is too good for the nonsense that is the Whitly family. Doesn’t he know that life isn’t always that simple?

32:46 - Annnnnd now Jessica will convince herself that she’s a bad person because she didn’t tell anyone about Capshaw’s call. She will also convince herself that she’s not good enought for Gil. AND I will cry myself to sleep.

32:55 - That hug <3 Sooooo Gillica is still on? I’m hella confused. 

33:05 - There it is. Dani is still upset with Malcolm. The Brightwell ship is taking in water my dudes. 

33:52 - Wow. He looks pretty in that makeshift hospital bed. Sleeves rolled up. Shirt half unbuttoned. Glazed, disoriented look about him as he wakes from a drugged sleep. <3 I’m in heaven.

34:30 - This is why Malcolm can never let Martin go. There are moments when Martin absolutely convinces Malcolm that he loves him. 

34:50 - “Because he also happens to be my father.” THIS. IS. THE. MOST. REALISTIC. PORTRAYAL. OF. ABUSIVE. DADDY. ISSUES. Take from someone who lived through an abusive Dad. You hate him. You know he’s messed up. You don’t like or respect him. But a part of you will always love him. Even though you hate that part of yourself. 

35:12 - “I want all of you.” .....I’m terrified. This woman is crazy. Crazier than the Surgeon. Is that possible?

36:05 - “You want him to love you. But he can’t.” Have you said that to yourself Malcolm? You know that logically but you don’t feel that in your heart. ....and the writers don’t know that because we’ve seen that Martin loves Malcolm? Sort of? Unless the writers are playing some sort of weird long con on us. 

36:50 - This is whump content I signed up for. This crazy bitch just killed Malcolm. We saw the terror in his eyes. BUT HE LIVES. So. I’m. Here. For. It.

36:58 - Martin’s devotion to Malcolm is so so interesting to me. Martin is a psychopath - he’s not supposed to be capable of love. But he clearly loves Malcolm. How? Why? It makes no sense but I love it?

37:47 - Malcolm’s little wheeze when Vivian starts mitigating the embolism. <3 So cute. 

37:53 - “I can do without the mansplaining.” I’m getting PTSD. There are too many real women who are this crazy about feminism and mansplaining (this is coming from a woman). Martin isn’t trying to ‘mansplain’ he’s scared and he’s trying to save his son. That’s not mansplaining. He’s not explaining something because he thinks Vivian doesn’t know it. He’s explaining something in a desperate attempt to remind her of the severity of the situation. 

38:16 - HOW THE HELL did Ainsley and Dani know where Martin, Capshaw, and Malcolm were? Either 1) Ainsley is somehow working with Capshaw, or 2) they were able to trace Malcolm’s cell (assuming Capshaw didn’t trash it), or 3) Ainsley knew her mom was lying about that phone call and they had it traced?, or 4) this is a convenient plot thing.

38:34 - This bitch is devious and I hate her. 

39:30 - Martin Whitly is the hero of the episode. What alternate reality are we living in?

41:15 - Malcolm struggling for breath. <3 The whumpers are being FED.

41:17 - “Run.” This is 23 years of guilt for turning his own father into the police surfacing. 

41:31 - “Where’s my family?” I honestly don’t know how I feel about this line. It bothers me but I can’t figure out why.

41:43 - This ending sequence is a work of ART. Malcolm is in physical and emotional pain. Dani (without backup) trying to save Malcolm from Martin. The epic music. The shot of Dani seeing the blood-filled syringe next to the makeshift hospital bed+restraints. Martin Whitly. Driving. A. Boat. And. Laughing - completely elated - with Malcolm passed out (and looking adorable) in the aft seating. The fact that the ONLY house you can see on the shoreline is the house the just escaped from. 

THIS EPISODE WAS EXCITING, STRESSFUL, AND WONDERFUL. I’m excited for the SEASON finale and I pray we get a season 3 from a network other than FOX.

[plumeriaheart]

“can you pretend to love me? just once.” for belphie and lucifer please (separate), but if i can only request for belphie. thank you uwu

plum’s follower celebration!    REQUESTS OPEN

I’m only doing one character per ask, so this one’s gonna be for Belphie! Thank you for requesting this. ♡ I had a lot of fun breaking my own heart with this one, lol

This fic contains spoilers for chapters 16 and following, and also a disclaimer that I really don’t like how canon just overlooked the events of those chapters. Also, while we’re at it, please check out this post by @indiavolojones exploring some of the aftermath because I’m seriously in love with it!!!

TW for, u kno, murder!

Damage Done

Belphegor’s eyes linger on your figure whenever he thinks you won’t notice, but you do. How could you not? You try your hardest to ignore the unsettling feeling within your chest when you’re around him; you want to forgive him. His presence is enough to make your chest feel tight, ice cold fingers suffocating your lungs, and panic begins to flare up. Knowing that he won’t try anything again – both due to your pact with him and his brothers monitoring him too closely – does not settle your anxiety.

No, you find yourself wondering why he’s seeking out your company so much. At first, you thought he did it to torment you: invoke terror within you when he smiles at you, the same smile he wore as he crushed your ribs within his arms. None of the others would let you be alone with him, not out of their usual jealousy with each other but fear. The fear of losing you has been sparked the moment they had seen your lifeless body, Mammon holding onto you, crying, begging you to come back – you have not forgotten the sight, and neither have they. 

And neither has he: Belphie watches you, takes note of the life within your every move. The very life he had stolen from you before. It’s difficult to digest that his hatred had been unwarranted, that his grief had grown into anger, a festering wound deep within his heart. He had known it was there, and yet he let it be. An act of self punishment for not being able to save his sister? For believing that he had led her right to her death? Only to find out that he had been wrong all along…

He used to love humans, and as he watches you, he’s reminded why: he sees pure kindness in the smiles you give his brothers, unbridled joy as they make you laugh, sincere affection when you talk to them. You are everything he used to love about humanity. It’s no wonder that his brothers adore you – he finds himself wishing you could smile at him the way you smile at the others; that he could make you laugh; that he had not tainted your pure heart with his ill intentions. 

‘You must hate me,’ he thinks to himself when he talks to you, but he never says these words out loud. What if you confirm them? Ignorance is bliss, humans say, and the demon finds himself agreeing. 

You notice his anguish when he’s around you. Both of you find it difficult to be around each other, as different as your reasons may be. Perhaps he latches onto you to simulate what his brothers have with you, you assume.

As weeks pass, he expects you to tell him to stay away from you, but you do the opposite: you seek him out, you even help him reconcile with his brothers, for hell’s sake! There it is again, the pure kindness in your heart. Belphie is drawn to you more and more each day, and he notices the tension in your body lessen each day that you’re with him. 

“You make me want to be selfish,” he admits one day. You look up from your phone to notice him looking at you from his bed, face half hidden away by his pillow. 

“Oh, because you’ve been so selfless up until now?” You retort with a small chuckle, a weak attempt at clearing the serious atmosphere his words created. It doesn’t work, his face remains expressionless as he sits up.

“You’ll never look at me the way you look at them, will you?” His lips curl up into a smile ever so slightly, but rather than unsettle you, you feel pity sprouting in your heart. “You’d be a fool if you did, but… Still, you’ve been trying, right? You’ve tried to look past what I did. Why? …do you truly think I deserve absolution?” There’s a flicker in his amethyst eyes as he speaks, a glint of sadness. Expectant eyes remain on your face, trying to read your expression.

“Where is this coming from? I thought you were asleep…” You mumble, casting your eyes back on your phone. All these weeks had gone by with neither of you speaking of the incident, and yet here he is, bringing it up during a peaceful moment. 

“You’re avoiding the question because you don’t think I do.” Belphie laughs; an attempt to hide the sound of his heart shattering. “I don’t think I do either, you know.” You allow yourself to look up at him again, and any anger that you felt for ruining the serene atmosphere dissipated in the blink of an eye. 

“I lost my chance way back when I decided to use you as a means to an end. I lied to you from the very first moment. I used you like a tool, and then I – I killed you when you showed me nothing but kindness. How can you even bare to be in the same room with me?” His voice quivers, and it dawns on you that all this time, being around you must have been torturous for him. Good, a part of you thinks, while another part of you wants to reach out to him and wipe away the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I don’t know.” There’s not much else you can say, but you don’t have the heart to lie to him now. He would see right through it if you tried to sugarcoat your words. “I only ever wanted to help make things right between you and your brothers. I still do.”

“Sometimes I wish you weren’t so kind. Maybe then I’d be able to actually hate you.” You barely notice as you get up and walk towards him until your fingertips touch his cheeks, a soft caress as you wipe away his tears, but your gentle touch makes him flinch, eyes widening in shock. Belphie looks up at you, bewildered. “What are you-”

“I told you that I wanted to help you when we first met, didn’t I? And right now, I see someone’s who’s hurting right in front of me. I… I still want to help you, I think. It doesn’t make sense, but… Does it have to?”

Humans, you think, are irrational creatures at their core, and you are the prime example.

“Then hold me. Hold me and don’t leave,” his voice is barely a whisper now, vulnerability laced in every word falling from his lips. You see the silent plea in his eyes, raw heartache that threatens to infect your own heart. “Pretend that you love me, just this once. Please.” 

[obeymehana]

Unforgivable (Belphegor x f!MC)

this story covers the aftermath of chapter 16 so please make sure you play through to that point before reading the story! 

belphie may seem a little out of character, but i think they moved on too quickly from chapter 16 to chapter 17 without covering the repercussions between belphie and mc, so i sought to cover this with this story.

please do not steal my story! :)

type: belphegor x f!mc, angst

                                                          —

In this cruel place in the Devildom, it was not as if he had any claim to be angry. These irrational, painful emotions building within him were becoming impossible to ignore. It bothered him. After what he did, he could not expect her to be forgiving, much less understanding. Few would could his actions kind, many would call it one, simple word.

Unforgivable.

It was obvious, he already knew it. Stupidity was not a part of his skill set, unlike his second eldest brother. If he already understood this, why did he seem so desperate to get on her good side? It appeared that she was slipping out of his grasp. Once a human he lured to the room in the attic, she was now known as the descendant of Lilith. Lilith was so close to him, yet so far. She was disappearing, even though she had been found again. The red string that tied them together was pulling thin, soon to be little to no connection between them.

Belphegor had made a grave mistake. If the sins of his monstrous act could pull him any deeper into the depths of Hell, it would have by now. Although a part of this horrible situation had been fixed, there was hesitation within his family to let them completely by their side again.

What a lonely feeling.

One of the few things Belphegor did expect was that since he started acting kinder to her, (Y/N) would come around. She would see how sincere he could be, how he could apologize for wronging her, and all could be forgiven. However, it seemed like every act he did to beg for atonement was met with a form of silence.

It was almost as if she went out of her way to ignore him. He hated it. Everytime it happened, those feelings within his chest would stir and the realm around him felt blurry. Madness, how could he not charm one simple human after spending centuries around them? Every smile that touched his lips was greeted with a look of fear. Every attempt to beckon her over to chat was only a chance for her to run into the arms of another brother. Every hug, to pull her soft, warm body into his arms was met with stiffened, yet trembling limbs until a brother, the angels, or Lord Diavolo himself removed her from the situation. 

She feared him.

To see someone who looked at him with such comforting eyes to now look at him once more in fear, anxiety, and possibly hatred. It was as if nothing he did was enough to remedy what had happened. How could it?

He had already stolen her precious life with his own two hands.

‘Murderer!’ His thoughts taunted. Deep, purple eyes watching the way (Y/N) interacted with Lucifer in the hallway. It was morning time, with merely an hour left before all demons plus one human were to arrive at the academy. He took the time to notice every detail about her, some which he had failed to notice before. The way her curves suited her nicely; uniform all neat with a cute, lavender bow tied around the collar of her shirt, and her phone in one of her hands, carrying a small, cute charm. Had she always been this sweet?

The pair had failed to notice him, as he was hidden around the corner, watching the interaction play out. It was clear at this point how much she cared about the other brothers over him. What a bright smile, seeming to light up the whole hallway as she listened to Lucifer’s plans for a student council meeting later today. Belphegor’s eyes narrowed as he saw (Y/N)’s hand rest on Lucifer’s arm, just below his elbow. 

Lucifer was not always one for physical contact, yet he seems oddly comfortable with (Y/N)’s touch. 

If Belphegor was the avatar of different sin, at that current moment, he would be filled with envy. Jealousy? Him? It felt confusing, but he could recognize this feeling after years of seeing his own older brother react in a similar fashion. ‘That should be me’, his thoughts spoke one more, his grip on the wall tightening, almost cracking the drywall itself. Not that it was hard though, it was an old house. The point still remained, the eldest was simply in the way of what was his, of what he wanted to achieve.

As usual.

There was Lilith’s descendant, standing right in front of him, only a few feet away. There she was, glowing, smiling, and seemed to remind him of a firefly in the night. Bringing just a small bit of peace and harmony to the darkness of his inner world. 

Fireflies are never easy to catch.

(Y/N) would constantly be forever out of his reach until he figured out the right step, the right words, and the right actions to take. It was a tricky combination to unlock the path of forgiveness. What could it be? What did he have to do to regain that warmth he had lost? No he hadn’t lost it.

He had crushed it alive.

Belphegor shifted away from his thoughts to watch the pair part. (Y/N) turned to go to the dining hall. This was his chance, to try and make amends once more. He stepped out from the corner and sauntered down the hall, trailing not that far behind her. However, it seemed another demon had plans for him. When he felt that gloved hand on his shoulder, he could only stop and glare at his oldest brother, Lucifer. “What?” He asked, eyes narrowed and tone venomous. Lucifer returned the gesture, nails digging into Belphegor’s shoulder.

“What attempt will you make today to drive her into a state of panic?” Lucifer questioned, but it seemed to be more of a rhetorical question. Belphegor tried to shrug him off, yet his grip was as tight as ever. If the uniform was not there to separate him between his skin, he would certain there would be blood trickling down his shoulder. He began to speak, “I haven’t harmed her since-”

“-since you murdered her.” Lucifer finished, his own chilling, venomous glare sending chills into Belphegor’s spine. It silenced him for a moment, allowing the thick tension to grow. It was suffocating. The eldest brother spoke once more, “What you fail to understand about humans, even after your years of obsession, is that they were not bound to the same things that you and I might be.” He paused, allowing his lesson to sink in. It didn’t help the tension.

He continued, “If they are wounded by a situation, do you believe they are always likely to return to the same moment that brought them a world of pain?” Lucifer’s scowl was more than evident. Belphegor’s shame was beginning to overwhelm him as it had did the first time he realized the weight of what he had done. He gave a small shake of the head, eyes flickering to face the wall rather than look at his brother. 

“So why would you force this human to accept someone who has gravely wounded her?” His words stung, cutting into the emotions of the youngest brother. The one with the biggest crime above his head right now. The guilt would never escape, no matter what he did. To feel her lifeless body, crumbling beneath. The last gasp of air, turning into a pale shade of blue as he ripped away her life. The senses from that moment running through his mind over and over again. Then there was the worst of it, dragging her body to the entrance hall, down those wooden stairs.

Dumping her into full view of his brothers. Lifeless, bruised, beaten. Dead. Although the trauma was still there, for both of them. He would never forget it, seeing her alive again, while her dead body rested in Mammon’s arms. He had failed his objective, the sins weighing upon him. He thought back to Diavolo explaining (Y/N)’s lineage. 

He remembered his heart sinking, the room spinning, and the carpet beneath his knees. The string of apologies. The cries of his sister’s name leaving his lips. Cradling (Y/N) in his arms, begging her not to leave again. He hadn’t been the only one who had sobbed ungracefully, but he was the cause of it all. 

So much pain, by him.

Could it be time to let (Y/N) go? To let Lilith go? No, that meant forgetting them. He couldn’t do that, it was the reason all of his had happened in the first place. He never wanted to forget Lilith, and he would never want to forget (Y/N). She had always been one of the reasons for his freedom, he owed her this much to try and redeem himself in her eyes. Anger bubbled inside him, reminding him why he had gotten locked up in the first place, but he couldn’t raise a hand to Lucifer again. Purple nails of his only dug into his own palms, surely to leave small scars later. 

“What do I do?” Belphegor asked, after minutes had passed. It didn’t feel like it, but Lucifer had seen him go through a range of emotions. Sadness, remorse, anger, acceptance. Lucifer did not give a response right away, causing Belphegor to grit his teeth and dig his nails deeper into his palms. “Answer me, you bastard!” He cursed, becoming annoyed. “How do I fix this, Lucifer?”

“You can’t always fix it.” Lucifer replied, figuring out the right words to say. “The trauma of what you’ve done…is unforgivable.”

There it is again. That stupid word. It matched perfectly to everything that had happened.

Unforgivable.

“If she chooses to let you back in again,” Lucifer said, removing his hand from Belphegor’s shoulder, staring him down, “It will be by her own terms, not yours.”

Belphegor backed away once he felt Lucifer’s hand leave. He couldn’t look at him anymore. “…I’m going to breakfast.” It was the only response he could give before turning on his heel and resuming his walk down the hall. By now, (Y/N) was in the dining hall with the others. Laughing, talking, being happy with the others. It sickened him knowing he could not do that with her. He could feel his shoulders sink and head held low, gazing into the carpet beneath his feet.

Lucifer did not chase after.

As soon as Belphegor entered the dining hall, the chatter of his siblings was cut short. As expected. The clenching of his fists couldn’t be any tighter, and he swore he could feel the blood trickling slightly down his hand. Had they completely forgiven him? Of course not, he knew that. Maybe there had been hugs and welcome backs in his first few moments of freedom, but any sympathy had run dry by now. They began to make their excuses to leave, finding their way towards the door. 

He waited for (Y/N) to leave too. He thought over Lucifer’s words. He couldn’t continue to force her to accept him, it would only drive her away. Yet thinking of it brought this own unforgivable feeling within his heart. What would he tell her anyways that she didn’t already know? Sleeping now only brought back those vivid moments, and he couldn’t wake up from the nightmares. He was always tired, but now he felt exhausted. 

No sleep at this point would be enough, the pain was too much.

Belphegor had settled into his own chair when he heard Asmodeus’ voice ring out across the dining hall, “(Y/N), dear! Are you leaving with us?”

“Today, I will stay and eat with Belphegor.” Those seven words caused his head to snap up and look at her. There was a small smile on her face, although it wasn’t directed at him. It was for Asmodeus, to reassure him that she would be fine, but they all knew she was visibly trembling. In her eyes, there was a kindness he hadn’t seen in awhile. He knows that gaze and soft tone isn’t for him, but he can’t help but imagine it is.

Heart soaring, he wondered what had happened to finally bring her this close to him? She was across the table, just out of reach by hand, but this was the closest she sat by him since his crime. Had he finally done something right? Words from Lucifer trickled into his mind, and that soaring feeling faded as soon as it came. 

“It’s okay,” Belphegor said, looking off to the side, “I don’t want to make you late for class.” He couldn’t bring herself to look at her gaze, afraid of her running away once more if he did. What a fragile human, and at the same time, so stubborn. He focused on filling his plate with whatever was left. It wasn’t much, that was no surprise. Lucifer soon came into the dining hall to rush them along.

“It’s time for you all to head to school, isn’t it?” His tone was stern, causing the last of his brothers to make a break for the entrance door. Lucifer’s view turned to (Y/N), glancing her over to make sure she was alright. They all knew she was scared, but attempting to overcome her own fears. There was not much they could do to change her mind, she was simply determined. Whether it was to finally piece together the rift between her and Belphegor, each one of them had acknowledged one fact.

Something had to be done.

Lucifer did not fully understand her intentions, but allowed her to continue with what she was doing. As long as she was in class on time.  He strode past her, his hand brushing slightly over her shoulder before he too made his way for the door. The clicking of his shoes faded as the pair heard the door close behind him. 

Once it was just the two, Belphegor let out a sigh. “My brothers..it’s not the same as it was before you came here.” He commented, still refusing to look at her, even if he wanted to. His view turned from the side to his plate, fork picking at his food. He wasn’t hungry, he just craved to be in her proximity. “After all that’s happened, we can’t go back to normal.” There was a frown on his face, but neither said anything about it. “It is my fault,” He owned up to it, “For every action I have done, I have hurt you.”

He could not forgive himself until she did.

“I haven’t forgiven you for it.”

There it was, her response. He could almost laugh in the irony of the situation. How did he expect anything to be different this time? (Y/N) was right there, but she would be always out of reach, no matter how close she looked. Her scent, her face, her voice, he could sense it all. It gave him a longing he couldn’t release. He knew what had been done was unforgivable, but he chose to believe otherwise. Had he always been beyond redemption?

How badly he wanted to pull her back into his arms, and just fall asleep, her by his side. Maybe then the nightmares of her death would stop. Possibly Lilith’s too. He wanted to remember them both, but how long could he go in this state of exhaustion? Always tired, but sleep never being fulfilling. Even that plush pillow he carried everywhere could no longer bring as much comfort as it used to.

Belphegor scooted his chair back, “I know.” His voice came out almost in a hoarse whisper. He was ready to leave, not thinking his heart could take anymore. He froze when he heard her next few words, stopping him in his tracks.

“Yet,” (Y/N) continued, eyes staring directly at him. Bright, beautiful, serene. He could finally look at her. Her fists were trembling, but she stood proud. “I believe if there is ever a chance to fully restore peace, I need to learn to coincide with you.”

He was taken aback by her sentence, unsure of what to say. Eyes were wide. “What does that mean, (Y/N)?” He asked, breathless, after a few seconds of silence passed between them. “You…want to be near me?”

“No.” Her response was harsh.

(Y/N) could only take a shaky breath, setting her hands on the table, stilling herself. “You used me.” She spoke, bringing her eyes to glare at the table. “You murdered me. You only accepted me for my lineage and not once for who I was personally.” Bitterness was laced in her tone. Now her legs shook, and she appeared like she was going to cry. She was getting louder.

“I will forever be scared by what you have done to me.” Her eyes closed shortly before reopening, it didn’t help hold back the tears. “I can still feel you choking me, it haunts me every night.”  She slammed her fists down on the table, making Belphegor jump with her sudden actions. She had never been this violent before. “You betrayed me when all I did was try to release you and fix your broken relationship with your brothers!” (Y/N) yelled, and fell into her chair, unable to stop the stream of tears.

“Things will never be the same, Belphegor.” His heart cracked, hearing her say that. Moving swiftly, he came over to her, kneeling next to her. “(Y/N).” He said her name, a hand reaching out to her, but she smacked it away. “But, I know how much you mean to your brothers…and at one point how much you meant to me.”

How much she meant to him? What did she mean? Was he a part of her life more than he had thought before he had stolen her life? He did use her for his own gain, but their time in the attic, it had meant something more to her. He ruined it. 

“(Y/N).” He said her name again, and instead of reaching out with one hand, he buried his face in her lap, hands grasping her wrists so she wouldn’t push him away. Her skirt became stained with his own tears. “I fucked up.” He told her, remaining in this same position. “I fucked up!” He yelled this time, hoping it could reach her.

“Let go of me, Belphe-”

“No.” He replied, becoming stubborn like her. He brought his head up slightly, just enough for her to see the pained expression behind his eyes. “I did use you, and I hurt you. It’s unforgivable.” He took a breath, trying to find his words, “These actions will never be atoned for, I know this now. Yet, you did so much for me. I don’t think I could stand to not have you in my life now.”

“You’re only saying that because I’m Lilith’s descendant.” (Y/N) sobbed out, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “Let me go.”

“At first, it was only because of that. My sister meant all of the three realms to me. However, you did so much more than you think. You released me from that prison of an attic, reunited me with my brothers, and reunited me with Lilith. You showed empathy for me when I was at a point when I was beyond that. I fucked it up, but please, (Y/N).” He rested his face back in her lap, his grip on her wrists remaining as tight as ever.

“I can’t rest without knowing you’re okay now. I know I’m always tired, I am the avatar of Sloth after all, but I’m beyond tired.” What were these mixed emotions within him? He wanted to coincide peacefully, he knew it was the best course of action, but he wanted more than that. He wasn’t sure exactly of these feelings stirring within him, but they would remain unsettled if he and she were to simply be acquaintances.

“I’m exhausted. These nightmares I have, they’re the same as yours.” He was remorseful, and never wanted to let her go. “I dream of what I’ve done, and it hurts. I cannot apologize more. I don’t know how to make it up to you, I don’t know what to do to change anything between us.”

(Y/N) was silent, and so was Belphegor. They remained in that silence until both of their breathing had calmed down. “I want you to protect me.” She said, almost in a whisper. Her eyes were puffy, and her wrists hurt from his death-like grasp. She had known he was trying to make up with her, but what had happened gave her a horrible anxiety. 

Seeing him like this though, weak, kneeling, gave her this sense of relief. He didn’t have this horrible chokehold on her anymore. In fact, he was groveling for her to forgive him. She had assumed he had tried to move past it like the other brothers had, assuming she would be okay despite what had happened. She wasn’t, and she didn’t know when she would be okay.

Nevertheless, she could try.

“Protect you?” He asked, his grip loosening. He didn’t have much strength to keep her pinned down for long. She was able to free a hand, and instead of using it to free her other hand, she rested it on top of his head. “Protect me.” She confirmed, “From the demons who want to harm me, from risks I might take, and protect me from these nightmares I also have.” She stroked his hair lightly, her mind flashing back to their times in the attic.

When he would lazily fall asleep by the door, waiting for her to return with updates on the status of her pacts with the brothers. She would sometimes stick her hand through the metal bars of the door, just to pat his head. That small moment brought peace to her, even though it left a sour taste in her mouth now.

Perhaps that could be fixed. He moved his head away, and looked in her eyes, making sure she saw every expression on his face. “(Y/N), we are not in a pact yet, but I will protect you.” He said, “I will protect you from the demons who want to harm you, from the risks you will take to protect my brothers and I, and from the nightmares you have, even the ones I have caused you.” He smiled slightly, giving his best look of sincerity.

Normally, he hated mushy moments, but this was needed. He was fatigued constantly over the stress of what happened, and they both needed to heal to recover.

“I’ll never forgive you for the past, Belphegor.” (Y/N) spoke, not ceasing her motions with his hair, “But, I hope the future we have together will be more peaceful.”

Belphegor hoped so too. He returned to resting his head on her lap, closing his eyes. He was sleepy, and she felt like the perfect pillow now. How could she be so kind? He didn’t truly understand it, but he had a promise to keep now. She began to zone out too, noticing her shaking had decreased to a point where it was barely visible.

Lucifer would come home later that day to find out the pair had never gone to class, but were curled up together in the dining hall. Belphegor’s head resting on her thighs, hands on her hips. One of (Y/N)’s hands was on Belphegor’s head, the other on her own lap, near Belphegor’s face. What a peaceful look they had, appearing after this bout of fear and anxiety.

Belphegor had committed an unforgivable act, but he will make it up to her. 

He will protect his human.

[mrs-i-have-too-many-biases]

Bang Chan// Sun and Moon (-light)// Chapter seven

Summary: Sun and Moon, different from another, but both unmissable in the world. The sun is warm, it provides daylight. It represents life, strength and growth. The moon, the brightest and largest object in our night sky. It makes the earth more liveable and represents admiration, change, mystery and feelings. The sun is untouchable and unreachable, but what if his ,independent, sun(-shine) becomes his world? Tropes: Enemies to Lovers Season: Spring Pairing: Bang Chan X Reader (ft. Seo Changbin) AU: | Delinquent!Female Reader | Vice President!Bang Chan | School!AU | Non!Idol AU | Genre: Fluff/ HEAVY Angst Word Count: 8,9K Warnings: HEAVY Themes of bullying, death threats, Themes of Abuse, swearing, insults, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Self-hatred Requested: Yes, (Reference) A/n: For the sake of the fiction, Chan is a twat in the story (his mother is very unpleasant in the story/this chapter), but only for imagines/ fiction purposes only. We all know better than that. I have mentioned his real-life sibling’s names in this chapter/story. Please remember to not harass them.

Y/n was a little out of breath and her body hurt slightly as she entered Chan’s room. She sat down with a sigh, trying to take the situation in. “I’m so sorry I told my parents like that-“ “It’s okay, it probably will clear up some thing to them.” Y/n muttered as she made herself comfortable on his bed.

“I’m sorry for their behaviour, from before and about today.” “It’s okay, you know if you want me to go, I can go right now. I don’t want there to be a conflict between your parents and you because of me.” “There isn’t, really. Well at least not anymore. I just want them to see that you’re so much more than tattoos and a so called ‘delinquent image’.” Chan stressed as he sat down next to her. “Besides, you’re not leaving. I don’t trust you outside, especially not with all those fractures. God knows what you would be up to, going to work I bet and get back to working out. You need to get some rest and let me and the others help you.” He added. “You know that I’d be fine just on my own, don’t you Chan?” She said with a small smile. “I know, and that’s why I want to help you this time.”

Y/n was about to continue arguing against Chan, but something else seemed to catch her attention. Chan turned slowly around to see what she was looking at and noticed the pictures he had put up of them together. He immediately started to stutter out gibberish and frantically tried to hide them from Y/n sight, causing her to laugh at his flustered state.

“Oh my- It’s not what you think! I- fuck!” Chan stressed as he tried to slam the pictures off the shelves I panic, but he was quickly stopped by Y/n who held him by the arm as she laughed. “It’s fine, I’m just surprised. I’ve never seen those before?” She wondered with a smug look on her face. “I-I certainly do not hide them whenever you would’ve come over- what no?” He stuttered, making her burst out in laughter yet again. “You’re cute Channie.” She said with a smile, not admitting that she had pictures printed out of them together as well.

The two were interrupted hours later by Chan’s father who peeped his head through the doorway. “Dinner’s ready.” He announced, before disappearing again. Chan and Y/n quickly following behind.

Chan noticed the nervous look on Y/n face. He held her by the waist in a swift move, hugging her in a comforting way, her heart beating loudly at the sudden action. The whole family sat together, and Y/n couldn’t deny it, but it was awkward as hell. “Y/n, my husband and I want to apologise to you.” Chan’s mother voiced, breaking the silence finally. “We’ve acted needlessly rude to you and we truly regret out immature actions. I hope you can find a way to forgive us?”

“It’s okay Misses Bang. I know that you only want the best for you son. I understand and I respect that. It’s also that I’m quite used to being judged already. Especially since people don’t know my background story...” And so Y/n told the Bang family everything.

They were shocked and saddened to hear the words leaving her mouth. It all sounded like a terrible nightmare. But that terrible nightmare was her actual life, or at least was up to that day when Chan found her.

“I can’t thank him enough for finding me, I wouldn’t know what would’ve happened to me if he would’ve been later or not there at all.” Y/n muttered in a sad voice. “Let’s be glad that didn’t happen and celebrate that you’re still here with us. And Y/n, we are once again terribly sorry. We will try our best to make it up to you.” Chan’s father states with a kind smile, making her smile back.

A warm feeling was filling her body, a loving sense of family had returned to her. Something that had been long for too long.

“Chan really, I can carry my books myself.” Y/n whined as she stepped out of the car with Chan, chasing him as he carried two heavy bookbags in his arms. “No, the doctor told us crystal clear that you need someone to help you carry things. Your stiches could rip open if you aren’t careful.” Chan states seriously. She let out a whine before she followed him to the building.

The pair received lots of looks from other students. Bang Chan, the popular vice president hanging out with the delinquent, again? People just couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around it. They also couldn’t seem to keep their butts out of other people’s business. Minho had met up with Chan and Y/n in front of the school, where he had already complained about how many people had already run up to him, asking what the deal was between Chan and Y/n, because a poor student was thinking about confessing her love to Chan this week.

“Poor girl.” Y/n muttered. “I know right, Chan has always been ‘smothered’ with confessions, yet he never accepted one.” Minho had informed before getting a notebook thrown to his face in middle of class by Chan who sat right in front of him. Jisung laughed loudly, Y/n did as well as she watched the three from her usual spot in the back.

Sooyun just happened to walk into the room at the wrong, yet best, time. She was about to sit next to Chan, where she usually sat, but to her surprise he stood up.

“You two are annoying, I’m going to sit with Y/n, at least she’s nice to be around with.” He playfully huffs to Minho and Jisung before seating himself in the back.

Sooyun watched his movements like a hawk eyeing its prey. She was about to protest and get him sit back next to her, but Jisung had grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down to her seat, stopping her from doing so. She huffs and turns herself away from them. Her ears caught the sound of Y/n and Chan laughing together in the back of the classroom, talking about whatever. Jealousy rose back into her body as she clenched her fists in anger. She had to do something about this, but what?

Days at school went by and to Y/n’s surprise, people had started to feel for her. She didn’t know why. She had told her story to the principal, explaining why she often skipped school and why she missed classes the past few weeks. There was a promise that her story wouldn’t be made public among the students of other teachers, for Y/n’s privacy and safety purposes.

Eventually Y/n figured that the fellow students were probably nice to her, because Chan and his whole clique were. So, she must’ve become ‘okay’ in their eyes.

There still were a few rotten apples to be found in between the others. They made Y/n out to be a clout chaser, that she wanted popularity or something like’s Chan’s status, his money. People had become quite creative and even said that she apparently wanted to become Chan so she could live a life where people actually liked her.

Y/n ignored the comments and never said anything about them. Especially since she believed that Chan had neve heard them, yet he did. He would look to his side as the whispers kept on going. She smiled at him and shot him a wink, a sign that she was okay. He wondered how she did it. How she handled with such people. It broke his heart to think that she used him. He knew she didn’t.

He wished they would had made an agreement, whenever she would argue that she could just go and stop bothering him, he would receive a thousand won from her. Chan would’ve been even richer by now if that was the deal.

In the meantime Chan wasn’t the only one who kept staring at Y/n, wondering how she did it. Sooyun could’ve been a character in Shrek by now, the green toxic tinting her from jealousy. She had enough of it. Y/n’s sudden gain of popularity, Chan’s attention and everything else she had been working years on to achieve. And here Y/n was, snatching it all away from her within days.

And so, suddenly. Y/n’s life turned upside down, once again. Y/n would walk into the school one day and receive the old nasty stares from everyone again. People bumped into her intentionally, making her hiss in pain, her body still not being completely healed. Chan yelled after them, the quickly asking if she was okay. “I’m fine.” She would mutter back. When they entered the room, a bunch of girls would pull Chan away from Y/n, leaving the both stunned. “What are you doing? Get off me.” Chan glared as he tried to shake the girls’ hands off. “Chan, you need to stay away from her.” “She’s not who you think she is.” The other cried out as they continued to pull them further away from Y/n.

“What are you talking about?” Y/n sighed as she crossed her arms, still in pain. “Don’t act so innocent bitch. You know fully well what you did.” A girl said as she shoved her phone in Y/n’s face. There was a news video playing on her screen. The colour seemed to leave Y/n’s skin as she watched how a journalist talked about her life, her story with her father. She was exposed, but something wasn’t right.

‘… we’re informed from a secured source, that y/l/n, a y/age girl, has drinking problems, abused her father and even thrown him in rehab when she should’ve been the one needing detoxifying…’

“They changed the story. That’s not true-“ Y/n was cut off by the pictures she was shown, also shown in the video that was still playing. They were pictures of her father, bruises all over his body and passed out on the ground. Y/n had seen her father drunk plenty of times, when he was drunk, he could easily hurt himself. She remembered that day, but she just couldn’t figure out how that picture was taken.

“How did this happen.” Y/n murmured to herself in shock. “Just admit it, your true colours are out. We’ve always known that you were nothing but a dense delinquent.” The girl spat, a sly smirk following next. “You know nothing.” Y/n snarled back, stepping closer to the girl. “What were you going to do? Hit me? I think it would be a great addition to your abuse-story, make people hate you more than they already do.” The same girl snarled, a witch-like laugh following.

Y/n turned to Chan in panic, but he was still struggling to get the girls off him.

As soon as Y/n had stepped out of the classroom she was once again swarmed by girls who were ready to protect Chan from her.

Their filth were getting to her head and the boys eventually came into the picture to defend her, but no one seemed to believe them or her. “She must’ve been lying to all of you, it’s all over the news. Every drama channel is talking about it as well.” “This is absurd, you believe those rumours, but not the person who the story is actually about?” “Why should we believe her lies? She’s dysfunctional, she always has been. Besides Sooyun told us that Chan told her himself.”

The words made Y/n’s head take a toll. “He did what now?” Y/n hissed anger firing up her heart. “Oh, please. Don’t pretend you didn’t know. You probably did all of this to get attention, didn’t you? To get Chan to like you and his little friends, well believe us it didn’t work. It’s for the best that Chan has put you back in your place, you’re an awful human being, you shouldn’t be allowed to walk around on earth. You’re not even fucking worthy to be breathing the same air as us-“ Y/n quickly pushed the girls aside when Sooyun was locked into her vision. “You! What the fuck did you do!” Y/n yelled as she stormed her way to Sooyun. “I didn’t do anything.” She said with a wicked smile. Y/n was holding back her tears as she wanted to rip that devilish smile off her face.

Felix would try to calm Y/n down, but he couldn’t stop her from talking as she yelled at Sooyun. “Y/n, sweetheart, here you are blaming me, but aren’t you the one who told Chan everything? He’s the one who gave me the information. How else would people know. You sure as hell didn’t tell me in person.” Sooyun states, which sets Y/n to think. It couldn’t have been Changbin, he didn’t know Sooyun. She didn’t tell Felix, Minho and Jisung anything with deep detail, yet Chan knew everything about her. There were even pictures taken of her passed out father. It seemed too bad to be true. It couldn’t be, right?

To Chan’s inconvenience, he walked right into the conversation at the wrong time. He looked at the two girls in confusion as he was stared at by the both. “Chan, did you…” Y/n couldn’t seem to get the words past her throat, but Sooyun seemed glad to steal the words from her mouth. “Chan, you were the cause of all of this, weren’t you?” Sooyun states, making him shot his head towards her in shock and confusion. “N-no, what are you talking about- Y/n I would never-“ “How do people know about all of this then? It’s told into detail, things I haven’t even told Changbin were exposed in that fucking clip. Explain that! I can’t believe this-“ Y/n cried out in frustration, feeling stupid for ever trusting him at all. “I should’ve known better.” “I’m sorry to say this Y/n, but Chan never seemed to actually care about you.” Sooyun snarled.

“Haven’t you said enough.” Y/n hissed to the girl in front of her. “I’m just saying, Chan never stood up for you whenever someone talked trash about you. We went on dates together and the things he said about you weren’t pretty-“ “Hold on- I never said anything-“ “But you never argued against them either, if you really cared about that poor girl, you would’ve defended her, wouldn’t you?” She said, trying to hold back a smirk as everything seemed to go just as she wished. “Y/n, please, don’t believe her.” Chan begged. “No, she’s right. Months ago, you wouldn’t even look at me, why would you now. I can’t believe how foolish I am to believe you.” Y/n sighed, she felt betrayed and just couldn’t look him in the eye right now.

She quickened her pace and ran out of the building, Chan was about to follow her, wanting to set things right, because this sure as hell wasn’t. He was held back by the same girls, who tried to make him seem that she wasn’t worth it and whatever filth they were trying to fill his mind with.

Y/n had been running for over thirty minutes by now, her hood covering her face as she made her way across the city. Her bones hurt, her arms felt like they were being ripped open as she rushed through the crowd, bumping into people constantly and receiving dirty looks from them as she ran past them.

She didn’t know if it was because they might had seen the video, or if they already knew her by her old reputation. Y/n finally made it to the parlour and stormed inside, completely ignoring Hyunjin who looked at her shocked when he saw he walk in. “Y/n, where’s Chan? Shouldn’t you be at school- what’s wrong? Are you crying- Y/n!” He called after her as paced to Changbin’s wing of the parlour. He jumped in surprise when he heart the curtains being ripped open. The smile on his face quickly dropped when he saw Y/n’s broken state and he rushed to her side to hold her close but carefully.

Her body being like glass to him that had been shattered too many times, put back together and on the edge of being broken again.

“…I never should’ve trusted him.” Changbin understood in-between the sobs that came from Y/n. “Who? Who hurt you? What’s going on? Why aren’t you with Chan? What happened?” Changbin had held Y/n face into his hands as she kept on crying, the tears rolling over his tattooed hands. Y/n murmured in-between her cries the explanation of what happened at school earlier.

Changbin was furious, he was planning of giving Chan a piece of his mind, he didn’t care that he was at school or at home, this was just sick. But for now, he needed Y/n to calm down. He felt her heart racing through her chest as he held her close. He sat her down and hugged her as she rubbed her back. The pain she must be feeling right now were probably unbearable, so he sussed her to sleep and asked Hyunjin to keep an eye on her as he went out to look for Chan.

Changbin didn’t had to look for long to find Chan as he was at home. Changbin rather punched the door than knocked, before the door swung open. “Bin! I’m so glad you’re here! I can’t find Y/n, I’ve looked everywhere-“ Chan was cut off by a punch that was thrown to his jaw and he stumbled back into his apartment. Changbin followed him in and grabbed him by the collar before throwing another punch to his ‘friend’s’ face. “What was that for!” “Who the fuck do you think you are Bang Chan! What is your bloody deal?” Changbin yelled as he shook Chan in anger, still holding him by the collar. “She went to you, didn’t she?” Chan asked, feeling slightly relieved.

“She did, and I’m glad she did. She came to me crying after all this time. Do you know when the last time was when I saw her cry?” Changbin snarled. “Never, because I don’t make her cry Bang.” “Listen! It’s not what you think! I’m being set up!” Chan cried out. “Sure you are, is this why you want Y/n to be with you these past few weeks. You never like her anyway. Y/n always complained about this vice president who just couldn’t stop harassing her with harsh words and nasty looks. Why should I believe you? I bet you wanted to ruin her all along-“ “I never- no, no! That’s not true!” Chan yelled.

“There’s no reason why I should believe you over the girl who has come crying to me, spilling her heart out on how everyone hates her again.” The fight went on for longer, they exchanged punches and eventually they were panting as they stood in front of each other again, yelling at one another with a black eye and bleeding lips.

“And who the fuck do you think you are! You act like you’re the only who cares about her!” Chan yells. “Well I do care about! I actually do and I show it! I have her trust unlike you!” “What do you think you’re her boyfriend or something?” Chan yelled. “Why do you care? Are you in love with her or something?” Changbin snarled back, leaving Chan stunned in silence.

The silence said enough for Changbin to figure out how it is. “What, you think you can fucking do this and confess your love to her right after-“ “I told you already that I’m being set up!” Chan yells in anger. “Sure buddy, at least she trusts me. You know she does. She comes back running to me every time you mess up. And how many times have that been by now?”

Chan was still panting, but he didn’t know what else to say. He messed up a lot. He wanted to make everything right, but this just made everything worse than it should be, he didn’t understand how this all happened anyway. His mind was blurry and he was confused, because he had his priorities set on Y/n.

“Changbin please-“ “Do you really think I will bring you to her? To break her heart once again after you had your way with it. To ‘confess’ to her and play games with her mind again. I thought not so, buddy.” “Changbin please, I do-“ “I bet I could confess to her right now and she would be with me. I’ve been her friend for the longest time, my parents already thought it would be time for us to step it up. People already think we’re a couple, why not put the title on our relationship?” Changbin snarled.

“Maybe, I should just confess my love to her.” Changbin added as he almost threatened Chan.

Chan felt his heart break and he dropped down on his knees. The tears were flowing down his cheeks and soon past his fingers as he hid his face in his hands. “Bin, please. I love her so much. My heart is in constant pain because of her. Not because she hurts me, but because she has been so good to me. She’s so different, so special. I-I don’t know how to describe it. She’s breath-taking, she’s so much more I could ever wish for in someone. My parents want me to be with a snob rich kid, who only cares about her reputation and the numbers on her bank account. They want me to think about my status and push my feelings aside. I can’t help it Bin, I love her. I love her so much. The past month I’ve felt so free with her. She has no expectations for me, she doesn’t expect me to pay for everything. She always fought me whenever I did, she’d argue with me that she could buy things herself, because ‘she’s an independent woman’.” Chan chuckles as he leaned back on the couch behind him.

“My parents don’t like her, because they can’t see past her appearance. It’s sad. They don’t experience, they don’t see the beauty that she carries. She’s so kind, she’s funny, she makes my heart race and make me do dumb things. Like, skipping school to go on a trip. I have to say that it was the best day of my life, that’s for sure. I’m just an idiot for being such a fool.” Chan cried out.  

Changbin sighed as well and sat down next to Chan. “I had a feeling you might’ve been in love with her.” Changbin admitted. Chan looked surprised to his side and eyed Changbin, who ended up bursting into laughter. “If you keep asking about her, then you aren’t playing it off to well mate.” Changbin chuckled, causing Chan to blush.

“Let me tell you another thing about Y/n. You’ve got to know her well up until now and apparently you did a pretty good job doing it since she opened up to you. If you want her to like you, the way you like her. Just be there for her and support her through her hardships.” Changbin’s words causes Chan to burst out in tears again. “I tried! But I keep messing up. I fucked up so many times, where I knew I should’ve been there for her or should’ve stood up for her, but I didn’t.” Chan cried out.

Changbin sighed and got back on his feet. He offered his friend a hand and Chan smiled as he took it. A couple minutes later, they were cleaning their wounds and kept talking together. “Chan, how did you end up in this mess?” Changbin asked softly. “I don’t know man, first thing I know is that I was smiling and laughing with Y/n, then next thing I know. I’m being ripped away from her by some other kids and following that, Y/n running away from the scene.” Chan sighed. “Y/n is really worn off, she ran all the way from school to my parlour. Eyes red from crying and in a lot of pain, I thought her wounds weren’t healed yet.” Changbin states. “They aren’t.” Chan cried out in frustration, guilt and sadness taking over his body.

The boys were interrupted by Changbin’s phone, Hyunjin had texted him. Saying that he had brough Y/n to Changbin’s apartment due to her request.

Chan read along with Changbin and was glad that Y/n was safe.

Changbin sighed once again after pulling his hoodie back over his head, done with cleaning his wounds. “You need to fix this, I don’t know how or where to start, but you need to.” Changbin states. “I know.” Chan let out a whimper, feeling like crying again. “Hey, it will be alright. I’ll make sure she’s okay and I’ll help you figure this out.” Changbin promises. “Really? Aren’t you mad at me?” “I am still a little fired up, but something isn’t right. I can feel it. Besides, I can tell you truly feel for her, I appreciate that you opened up to me.” Changbin voiced in honesty. “So, you aren’t going to…” “No, I’m not going to confess. I was just furious in the moment. I’m sorry.” “No, I am. Thank you Bin.”

When Changbin arrived home, he went to look for Y/n. He panicked a little when he didn’t find her in her room. He ran to his own room, only to find Y/n sound asleep on his bed, Gyu tightly wrapped in her arms. He sighed in relieve and went to lay next to her.

A couple days later, Chan went out for a walk. His jaw still hurt from the punch, he well deservingly, got from Changbin the other day. It was already late and it started to get dark outside. Chan mindlessly revisited the spot where he and Y/n had their first ‘date’ together.

Memories flashed beyond his eyes as he saw the exact spot where they took pictures together. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he remembered the way she laughed at his lame jokes, how she lit up when she ate his food and enjoyed each other’s company. He remembered holding her in his arms as they danced slowly in the middle of the park, not giving a damn if someone was watching.

His pleasant revisits of memories were cut off by the slurs of a drunken man who wandered around the park. Chan ignored the man, not wanting to be involved into any type of trouble. Unfortunately, the man thought otherwise.

He started to yell and shout around and eventually his eyes caught Chan and decided to stumble his way, rather quick, towards him. Chan noticed the bottle of liquor and a piece of paper in the man’s hand as he caught up to Chan. “You,” the man started. Chan wanted to gag by the disgusting smell of alcohol filling his sense that came from the man. “You look familiar kid.” The man slurred. “I’m sorry sir, I have no idea who you are.” Chan said quickly whilst his eyes looked for someone to help him, but no one seemed to be out at this hour.

“You! You’re this kid!” The man slurred out loudly as he waved a paper, which seemed like a picture, into Chan’s face. Chan’s heart dropped when he recognised the picture. It was a picture of him and Y/n from their first date. “Y-you’re Y/n’s father-“ “I sure as hell am! And you are the piece of shit who brought me into that hell hole! Taking my daughter away from me and daring to involve into our businesses!” The man screamed as he dropped the paper and filling his hand with the collar of Chan’s jacket.

“Sir, please I don’t want any trouble.” Chan begged. “Too bad buddy. You shouldn’t have interfered into our business. You should’ve left your stuck-up ass in one of your little penthouses.” Chan to get away from the man, before anything bad could happen. But Y/n’s father’s grip seemed to be stronger than he thought. “Sir, please let me go-“ “Nah, I have to show this rich city boy what the consequences are like when you ruin my life.”

Chan closed his eyes shut and prepared himself for what was coming, only remembering a piercing pain and darkness taking over him.

“Y/n, Y/n wake up.” Changbin yelled in a whisper as he shook her awake. She groaned in annoyance and pushed him off. “Just five more hours.” Y/n groaned as she hid her head under her pillow. “Y/n it’s an emergency, Chan’s in the hospital.” The words made Y/n shot up. She felt confused, because she didn’t know how to feel about him at the moment, but something inside of her told her to go. “Put on a hoodie and let’s go.”

Y/n and Changbin arrived at the hospital, only to see Chan’s parents and siblings in their pyjama’s as they waited nervously. Chan’s mother was hysterically crying, Lucas and Hannah were tiredly sitting back in their seat, pacing back and forth in anxiousness.

Y/n made eye contact with the mother who immediately pointed violently to her as she started to cry out to her. “You! This is your fault! You’re the reason he’s in the hospital isn’t it?” She yelled as she was being held back by her husband, who quickly argued against his wife alongside the kids. “Honey, this isn’t her fault. The doctor said Chan was attacked by a drunk man.” “D-do you perhaps know what he looked like?” Y/n asked carefully. “No, but he’s send back to rehab, apparently he escaped somehow.” Chan’s father explained, causing Y/n to stumble back. “Y/n, you don’t think that your…” Changbin whispered, not daring to finish his sentence. “I-I hope not. If he has found Chan, he could find me-“ “I wouldn’t let that happen Dumpling, you know that. You’re safe with me.” Changbin assured as he hugged her, whilst they all waited for the results from the doctor.

Which finally came in after forty minutes of waiting. Hannah and Lucas had fallen asleep, too tired from waiting since it was quite late already. “…your son will be fine mister and misses Bang. I do have to inform that he apparently has been hit by a glass bottle and is unconscious right now. We don’t know when he will wake up, but we are sure to keep a close eye on him. You can see him now, direct family first please.”

Y/n could hear the worried cries from his parents coming from the room as she and Changbin still waited. Changbin voiced that he felt guilty for beating his friend up. Y/n admitted that she didn’t know yet how to feel about Chan yet. If she even wanted to be there, especially after what Chan did to her. “Y/n, I understand that you have hard feeling towards him right now, but do consider that there is something wrong. Something just doesn’t add up.” Changbin states, setting Y/n to thinking.

Days had passed and Chan still hadn’t awakened from his unconscious state. She had seen how hard it had been for his parents and she truly hoped that Chan would wake up soon. Y/n also had been thinking about what Changbin had told her the other day, but it just makes her even more confused than that she already was.

‘He’s so nice, he has been for the past months, why would he do this?’ She questioned herself as she walked towards the hospital, wanting to visit Chan. ‘Chan hasn’t always been nice to me though, why would he become nice to me all of the sudden? Was it an act since he was forced to tutor me? Or did he actually mean everything he said- this better not be a fucking bet or I will throw him back into his hospital bed as soon as he’s able to leave it.’ Y/n growled in her mind as she now stomped her way to the hospital.

“Y/n, calm down. There must be something going on, like Binnie said.” She said to herself, before she took a deep breath and entered the building.

When Y/n arrived at Chan’s room, she wasn’t surprised to see his mother there. She had been staying there for the past couple days, not wanting to leave her oldest son alone, especially at a time of vulnerability. She shot Y/n a side eye when she entered the room.

“Hello misses Bang.” She said politely as she bowed for her. “Y/n.” She sighed as she focused on her son again. Y/n looked at the monitor that kept track of his heartbeats, which seemed mostly steady. “How is he doing?” Y/n tried to ask, but not receiving an answer from the woman in front of her.

Chan’s mother would sigh after a period of silence and turn herself to Y/n with a serious look on her face. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough.” She sighed, causing Y/n to become angry. “I’m sorry, but I’m tired of this. With all the respect, but you keep pretending as if this is all my fault, when you sure as hell know that it is not.” Y/n snapped. “If my son never interfered with you and your issues, none of this would’ve ever happened.” She cried out in frustration. “First of all, Chan and I were both forced together by our principal who made him tutor me. And besides that, don’t you think I know that. Because my drunken dad had to escape and somehow find Chan, he’s hurt. Don’t you think that I think this is all because of me? If you don’t you are pretty dense.” Y/n snarled.

“I think it’s time for you to leave.” His mother said calmly as she took her son’s hand into hers. “Fine, I’ll go. But I just want to make sure that you know that, Chan means a lot to me. You’ve raised one hell of a son. He’s absolutely amazing. He’s sweet, caring, charming and humble. You re lucky to have a son like him. I know you don’t like me ma’am, I’m aware of it, but I love that guy. So much. I don’t even know what to do with my feelings since I know you would never accept me and my ‘issues’. Everything I’ve told you and your family is true ma’am and Chan helped me through a lot of them. And I love him for that, more that you could ever know.” Y/n said as tears stream down her face. Both of their faces turned to the monitor when Chan’s heart skipped a beat, before Y/n continued to rant.

“I know I’m not perfect and that I never will be, that’s why I respect your request and I’ll leave as soon as I’m done ranting, but just know this ma’am. There’s much more to me than the tattoos and old stories that belongs with my past. He was focused on who I am today and saw good in me. Something not a lot of people notice in me.”

Chan’s mother looked at Y/n stunned and surprised. She would’ve never guessed such meaningful words coming out of Y/n’s mouth. She gulped loudly and tried not to show how Y/n’s words had moved her to tears.

“I’ll get going then, goodbye ma’am.” Y/n whispered, before she bowed and left. Her heart aching as she just admitted to someone other than herself, her feelings for Chan.

During her rant the two women didn’t know Chan could hear everything the two said. He felt like he couldn’t move, his body was numb and uncontrollable. His heart sped up in panic when he heart her leaving.

Before she exited the room, he could make out a whisper. “No… stay…” His mother, who was now alone with him again in the room, shot her attention to her son, who also managed to squeezed the hand he was holding slightly. His mother thought he was talking to her, when in reality Chan was begging in his mind for Y/n to come back. For her to confess her love to him over and over again, that’s all he wanted to hear. He wanted to see her again, he wanted to tell her that he loved her too.

“Don’t worry Channie, I’m right here.” His mother said as she kissed her son’s hair. Chan was glad she was there, but all he wanted right now, was Y/n to be by his side.

His mother knew better though. She knew the words were meant for Y/n. She had observed her son and had of course seen the pictures of the two in Chan’s room when she went to bring him his freshly washed clothes. She was shocked at first to see her son and this trouble maker of a girl together, but she couldn’t lie to herself. She saw how happy her son seemed with Y/n. She has at least never seen pictures of Chan and Sooyun together in Chan’s room.

That was one of the moments where she realised that Y/n was something special that Chan was planning on keeping close to his heart. When Chan brought Y/n home almost every day, she started to feel scared and thought that her son might take things too fast and he should reconsider his other possibilities.

But it seemed like Chan had already made his choice. She brushed her son’s hair as she looked down at him and knew that he had it all figured out already.

Well, most of it.

After calling in sick for a week at school, she was now forced again to attend classes. And yet again, there were students blaming Y/n for Chan’s injuries and him ending up in the hospital. Y/n had been doing quite well with ignoring all of them.

“I’m surprised you aren’t put in jail yet. That’s where you belong.” “Don’t say that. You’re insulting the prisoners when you compare them to that.” Another girl said as she nodded toward Y/n, laughing annoyingly right after.

As Y/n had been continuing to go to school, everything seemed to go downhill for her. The three boys couldn’t seem to cheer her up. They did manage to make everyone back off and leave her alone, but it wasn’t enough for Y/n.

She looked so depressed and it broke their hearts. They were confused as well, but they knew this wasn’t the Y/n they had always known. The Y/n they knew was strong, independent and could shine as bright as the sun whenever she was happy or in her own habitat. The Y/n who sat in front of them was laying her hear on the table as it rested on her arm. Her glow seemed to be gone and they wanted nothing more than to fix it for her.

One day, Y/n would call in sick anyway, saying that her body still hurt too bad, making up the excuse or else the school wouldn’t let her stay in. Changbin didn’t know this and was surprised once again to see his best friend arrive at the parlour. Hyunjin noticed Y/n gloominess and called Changbin in as soon as he could.

Changbin’s heart broke and brought her to his wing where they could talk. Hyunjin decided to give the two some space and went out to do so. “What’s wrong?” Changbin asked carefully as he took her hands in his. “I-I can’t do this anymore Bin.” She sobbed in front of him, her body shaking from exhausting, not only physically but also mentally.

“W-what do you mean? Please Dumpling, talk to me.” Changbin’s voice was shaking in fear as he suspected the worse. “I don’t want to go on Bin, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone hates me. Everyone is against me and I’m ruined. Why does everyone hate me? Why always me? I hate myself so much Changbin. Chan is in the hospital because of me, my dad is in rehab and was probably looking for me. He hates me as well. Maybe I should listen to everyone and just-“

“Don’t you fucking say that!” Changbin yelled out as he stood up with tears streaming down his face as his heart broke, piece by piece. “But Bin-“ “No! I won’t let you. I will fucking end myself if you ever try to end your life! You don’t want that right?” “That’s just mean Bin.” She whispers whilst looking up to him with tears-filled eyes.

“And this isn’t? Think about how much pain I’d be in if you ever leave me. I was already in so much pain when I was in Japan and I couldn’t be with you. Fucking hell, I even hired Felix to keep an eye on you, because I needed to know how you really were. Please. I love you, you’re my best friend. I can’t live without you, you’re my better half, you’re my partner in crime and I can’t afford to lose you. Besides, I know there is someone, who I can’t name, but this person loves you so much. I can’t even explain how much this person loves you. Please Y/n, will you promise to stay?” Changbin cried out, causing Y/n to cry out as well.

Changbin sat down next to her and brought her into his arms as they cried their hearts out together, “I’m sorry Binnie.” She sobbed into his shoulder, hugging him tighter. “It’s alright Dumpling, you’re safe as long as you’re with me. And I promise you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Meanwhile, at the hospital Chan had finally awaken to everyone’s joy. He groaned out loudly when he opened his eyes for the first time in days. His head was pounding, his chest hurt and he felt a weird tube in his nose that he assumed was to feed him, so he wouldn’t die of hunger. He couldn’t remember much, everything seemed like a vague dream.

His mother would swaddle him as soon as the doctors said she could, after they had finished their check-ups. “Where’s Y/n?” He’d ask eventually. “Goodness dear, think about yourself for a second. You’re the one who’s hospitalized.” His mother argued as she tucked him in. “Mom, seriously, how is she.” When his mother chose to ignore him, he got mad. “Just forget about her Chan, think about your health.” She scoffs, only making Chan angrier. “No! I’m done with you and dad always deciding for me what to do or who to be!” His mother was surprised by her son’s reaction. “All my life you have been planning my future, not even giving me a chance to think or speak for myself! I’ve always pleased you! By winning all my competitions I attended, all my grades are better than others. You made my life an actual competition and I’m done with it! I get that you want me to think about myself, but from now on I’m done listening to you two. I have a voice of my own and I won’t let the two of you decide for me anymore. I’m a young adult for God’s sake!” Chan exclaimed in frustration.

“I get that you and dad are looking out for me, but once I fall in love with someone, I just feel like you want to ruin that for me. Because you want me to be with a shitty snob who only cares about money and her status. I have better things to do than think about the numbers on my bank account and how my hair looks. I want someone who’s interesting, who has a deep personality, someone I could talk to in the middle of the night about anything and everything.” Chan sighs as he sat back, looking away from his mother as he tried to calm down.

His mother knew her son was right and sighed as she tried to stroke his cheek in comfort. “We’ll talk about this at home, okay?” “No! Stop ignoring this! You know I’m right!” Chan yelled as he sat up. “Channie, please lay back down.” His mother almost begged. “All I’m asking was how she was! I get that you hate her, but just answer the bloody question. I already have no idea what the hell happened to me. I only know the things you all told me and I don’t know who to believe anymore! She hasn’t visited me at all and that might be my own fault, but she’s still healing mom. Someone needs to help her out. I just want to make sure she’s alright, okay.” Chan cried out.

His mother sighed and stood up and left the room for now, knowing Chan needed some time alone. She saw how upset he was, almost heartbroken that she hadn’t visited him. She couldn’t help but feel guilty for sending Y/n away every time she came to visit him.

Chan laid back in his bed and he felt like crying. He was just so worried about her. He couldn’t help it. Eventually Chan would realise that she would be safe at Changbin’s. He sighed and felt envious that he was able to be with Y/n, whilst he was stuck in his hospital bed. Chan would look to his side and pick up his phone before he scrolled through is gallery. Deciding to revisit the happy memories before he fell back asleep.

“Chan, Channie wake up there’s someone here to see you.” A familiar voice woke him up before he fully opened his eyes, unsurprisingly his mother came into his vision. Still feeling angry with her he turned away from her, causing her to sigh. “Fine, you don’t have to look at me. I guess I deserve that. But at least look at her when you talk to her.” She mutters, still pressing a kiss on her son’s hair through his protest.

Chan looked away from his mother to see Y/n standing at the end of his bed, a small smile plastered on her face as she looked at him. She looked better, still tired and a little bruised, but her wounds definitely healed well. Chan was startled at her presence and shot up in his bed. Feeling a little embarrassed as well since he probably looked like a mess. “I’ll be down in the cafeteria if you need me.” Chan’s mother states before she exited the room, leaving Chan and Y/n alone.

Chan tried to find the right words to say, but was quickly interrupted by the tears that suddenly flowed down Y/n’s face. “Hey, hey! What’s wrong?” Chan asks as he mentioned to her to sit beside him. “I’m sorry, none of this would’ve ever happened if-“ “No, don’t cry. This isn’t your fault.” Chan assured as he brought her in his arms. “But-“ “No buts, this isn’t your fault, none of this is. I’m fine Sunshine, I’m not going to lie, I missed you.” He chuckled, causing her to burst out in laughter as well as she tried to stop her crying.

“I missed you too.” She pulled away from him and caressed his cheeks as she looked at him. “Are you okay?” She asked him as she realised that she was actually with him in the hospital. “I am, don’t worry. I’ll be back on my feet in no time.” He chuckled as he leaned into her hand affectionately, also couldn’t help but feel like she was the cutest being in the world right now. “How have you been? Do your arms still hurt?” Chan asks as she inspected them. “They healed well. Felix and the others have helped out a lot. I owe them one, I promised them to make them something ‘scrumptious’ when everything calms down a little.” She said with an awkward chuckle, but was surprised to hear Chan burst out in laughter.

“Where did you get the word ‘scrumptious’ from?” He wheezed. “Trust me, ever since you’re gone, Jisung and Minho have been fighting on who is smarter and they had this vocabular battle. I picked up some of the words after laughing my ass off.” She giggled. “I’m glad they’re good to you.” Chan sighs in relief.

“I’m glad too.” Y/n said before the two sat in silence for a period of time, not later being broken by Y/n who nervously asked Chan what happened to her dad. “I heard that he was brought back to rehab, but a stricter one with more security and supervisors.” “I-I’m scared Chan, I know he was looking for me. I-I should’ve been more careful, you wouldn’t be in pain right now.” She cried again. “Don’t cry, you’re safe with me. I promise.” Chan whispers as he hugged her tight.

She relaxed into his touch and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He had his hands on both of her cheeks and she leaned into his touch, just like he did minutes ago. She was stunning to him, even if she had cried her eyes out only seconds before. Chan felt like he had to tell her, it was now or never. He sat up and leaned closely towards her as he kept staring deep into her eyes. “What?” She giggled in a whisper, feeling flustered by the sweet smile he was sending her.

Chan’s heart was racing, the words were on the tip of his tongue and he felt like he left his sanity and mind in cloud nine. “I like you.” He whispered. Y/n was taken back by his confession and leaned back in surprise, looking at him in expectation of him to tell her that he was joking. “What?” She asks him again. “I like you Y/n. I’ve had feelings for you for some time now.” He admitted with a smile plastered on his face.

Y/n’s heart was racing, but unfortunately not because she was happy. “Don’t say that. Don’t say things you don’t mean.” She stuttered, feeling her heart increasing beats per second. “What do you mean? Y/n-“ “I have to go.” She murmurs as she got off the bed, anxiety overtaking her esteem as she picked up her pace. 

A nurse had walked in the middle of the scene, obviously not knowing what was going on and was surprised when she saw Y/n run past her, out of the room. Chan was ready to jump out of bed and run after her, but the nurse had other plans. She ordered him to get back into bed since he wasn’t fully recovered yet and it could do major damage to his body.

In the cafeteria Chan’s mother spotted Y/n running through the building with tears streaming down her face. She got up and wanted to catch up to Y/n, but she was too quick and eventually disappeared in the crowd. She hurried to Chan’s room where she found her son crying. She asked him what happened and Chain explained through his sobs that he had confessed to Y/n. Chan felt heartbroken and confused. 

“I don’t get it mom, why would she react that way?” Chan sobbed softly as he looked at his mother with big, teary eyes. “I don’t know honey, maybe she’s scared. She has lost quite some loved ones already. She might be scared to have her beloved close in her life. We don’t know honey.” She mutters as she rubbed her son’s back.

Chan immediately felt a wave of guilt washing over him and started to cry out harder. “I should’ve been more sensitive. I didn’t realise that. I should’ve been more careful.” Chan cried. “There, there. Don’t worry love, the two of you will be fine. I know you will. Besides, you have always been caring, especially towards her. From what I’ve seen?” She chuckles. “She will turn by honey, trust me.” She added, before pressing another kiss on her son’s head.

She knew that Y/n felt the same way as the son did, but it wasn’t her job to tell him that.

Gif isn’t mine

[eris0330]

Hiraeth - Ten

☽Pairing☾ ; BTS | Reader

☽Genre☾ ; Angst 

☽Word Count☾ ; 1.5k

☽Summary☾ Returning back to Korea after years of being under the ground, to see your parents. You wished it was all it took, to feel complete again. The aftermath of confusion, betrayal and sorrow was the reason to never come back into the boys presents. But it wasn’t until, seeing one them enter the same cafe, at the right time.

☽M. List☾ ;  1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 [ongoing]

----------

“I told you so!!!” Jungkook screamed into the heavy sighing room, as the others felt strange of the evidence displayed before their eyes. They hated the fact, that their beliefs were wrong, despite the outcome of truth. Honestly, they were thrilled of the idea that you had returned. But something inside themselves, broke down of the idea that they could pass by you at any random time. Maybe, they had already passed you once, without knowing?

“I gotta admit, I’m slightly surprised” Jin replied, looking at the clock to see how long he could stand and watch, before another reminder rang that he had to go for his schedule.

“You were the one who decided to look with me?” Jungkook questioned as his brows scrunched in confusion, feeling a slight betrayal grow within his heart, that whatever he may have said to his eldest brother, were nothing but thin air.

“I know, but it’s just weird? I mean, it has been YEARS since we have seen her, properly I mean.” The eldest spoke, as the vibration from his phone against his thigh, that he knew he was going to be late, if he didn’t leave at this instant. Therefore, he couldn’t stand by and watch, to see the outcome of the broken men circling in the living room. Waving goodbye, he had to mentally prepare himself for another memory without you by his side.

Silence, not even a breath could take away what killed them. Their eyes, following every bit of words scrolling through the comment section. The amount of love, hatred and war that they never decided to look at before. Their hearts, breaking by the words of what supported them through it all. But, repaired once every heartfelt comment stepped by with encouraging words for you.

“How do they know us so well?” Hoseok questioned, scrolling on his own phone with Jimin by his side to watch Twitter going wild. People, debating whether you would come back as a member, or mess with them to get attention. Fans speaking about the way their changed behaviour since you disbanded, and the least discussion turned towards something else as they were asked. Evidence with video compilations, of their smile fading by time and their eyes becoming dull. Nothing could compare their broken emotions, with their facial expressions. But the ones who were lucky enough to be near and ask, it was clear as glass. They missed you, and so did the majority of their fans. Hearts beating harder by the thought of your absence, and the hope of returns. But, knowing you were there, only a few metres away, caused trouble in the fandom and the group.

“We can’t really do anything about it, unless she comes to us.” Namjoon spoke determent, that even though how much he wanted to hold you close in his embrace, it was already too much of a ruckus to continue this game.

“What do you mean we can’t? She’s in SEOUL, and even at our concert!” The maknae rebelled, the fire in his eyes that no one have seen before. The others were not scared of him, but scared he will hurt himself because of this. There is a lot of things one can’t foretell or see, but others around can. That’s why, the boys couldn’t encourage the youngest to go out and find you.

“Just because she is at one of our concerts, doesn’t mean we HAVE to find her, Jungkook.” Namjoon replied with a stern tone, that was needed in these kinds of cases. Jungkook were known to dream, hope or try every chance he has and worse, to not succeed before succumbing to his failure attempts.

“Then what do you suggest?? I don’t think she came to our concert, just out of nowhere. She probably misses us! We should be looking for her!” Jungkook almost screamed at his elders, receiving the same type of shock of his vocals shake the room.

“He’s right… I do believe she misses us…” Taehyung added, making the attention drive away from the youngest. He knew, if they continued to stare, his eyes would water and it was visible, with the red glace covering his enlighten eyes.

“But we can’t just go look for her, that will just cause more problems than the ones we already have” Namjoon replied firmly, massaging his temples of the attempts that the members tried to do. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see you, it was that he was the leader for a reason.

“Does that matter? Might as well step deeper if that’s possible.” Hoseok commented, making their eyebrows scrunch of his sudden outburst. It wasn’t a normal thing, for him to come up with ideas that could hurt anyone around him. But, he was tired of waiting. Knowing you were there, and possibly nearer than they’d expect, it was harder to control his urge. Jimin were fighting a war in himself, sitting by the corner with the comments replaying themselves with different faces. Scenarios, articles and rumours were spread across media that people were only trying to help. But by time, it was only hurting him more to see it on a loop. They all had their own suffering hidden from the world and behind the closed door, but it was getting tiresome. Sadness, turning to anger and like a bomb, it was going to explode one day. It already happened to Jimin, and soon enough, it would happen to the others too. Placing his hands on his ripped jeans, determent that his words were going to tear him down, he caught the members’ attention by his stern aura;

“Where do we start?”

----------

”WHERE IS SHE?!” Wonho’s scream were louder than a bear’s roar in the dormitory, pushing his clenched fists against Changkyun’s broad chest. His spine reaching the cold brick wall with all it’s might, making his teeth crack of the sudden impact. Wonho had been drinking again, and horror came along when he saw the Twitter feed. Changkyun, his friend, or so he thought, was standing beside the one love he could never forget. Unaware, of the hidden contact that the boil of hatred grew bigger.

“I asked, where the fuck is she?!” Another scream, but with tears flowing down his cheeks. Changkyun’s eyes were large, scared and throat was dry from the atmosphere. For the first time in years, he saw his older brother, look at him like a killer. It was to no avail, that Changkyun wouldn’t win the fight if he pushed through, but neither would it help to stand by and wait. He made a mistake, by hiding the fact you were back. But seeing your uncontrollable tears and scar on your cheek, with death still lingering in your eyes, or was it a reflection? He couldn’t tell anyone, before knowing you were ready.

“What is wrong with you?!” Another roar from the back and the shadow becoming wider, as the grip loosened. Wonho’s back pressed along the closed door, hearing it creak of the force. Shownu had appeared, listening to the sudden outburst in the room next door. His eyes widening of the sight, that Wonho were not only smelling like booze, but he was attacking someone he should never touch in such shameful way.

“Why are you attacking I.M?” Shownu asked with fierce determent eyes, holding onto Wonho against the woodened door. Giving a glance back to Changkyun, he noticed the way the youngest’s expression turned from fear to shame. Even though how much Wonho tried, he couldn’t escape the grip Shownu had him in.

“He knows where Y/N is! He was at the concert with her and didn’t even fucking tell me!” Wonho spat, pointing his finger towards the maknae. Changkyun’s heart fell to the bottom of his stomach, unaware of the sudden dizziness that surrounded his head. His lips were sealed and it would only continue like that, even if it meant that the friendship was going to break. Trying to collect himself, and the shock from growing further, he tried to give his best answer;

“I-I don’t kno-“

“You know exactly where she is, you prick!” Wonho interrupted with forceful vocals, making Changkyun’s body jolt in surprise. The regret of lying, but knowing it was for the best after seeing what the situation has made Wonho become.

“Calm the fuck down, Wonho.” Shownu were tired, of the same loop happening over and over again. Whenever Wonho came back from down town, it was the scent of women, booze and hatred. He was once, the most collected man in the universe, but broke into pieces when the news erupted.

Taking a step back to let him breath, he warned with a rough touch on Wonho’s shoulder, that this needed to be taken serious. “You don’t get to talk to anyone, before you calm down or get sober.” Shownu demanded, pushing him out towards the kitchen where he would be staying the next hours. The only place in the dorm, where he would be unable to break memories. Chan were left alone in the living room, only to hear his beating heart and the heavy breaths of an anxiety attack. Everything was so blurry, but the sound louder than ever.

“Come… let’s go into my room” Kihyun were watching everything from afar, frozen in state of the act that happened. The close friendship that were so playful and lovely, fade to anger and jealousy. Putting an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders, he was led towards his room with the comfort from another. Someone, he could call a friend.

---------

[sw4tch]

((Another vent post i found in my drafts. This one is pretty bad, very Suicidal. Glad I don’t feel like this right now, but reading my past emotions makes me sad.

To cheer me up, I’ll add Annotations to disperse these bad thoughts for future me))

it’s not fair it’s not fair

she fucked me up while i was a child, took my father’s side and took her anger out on me when i was so young, and me, right now, when i take my anger out on her then i’m the bad one, i’m the worst one, i’m the one that ruined her life

I know i ruined her life, that’s all i’m good for and i ruin everything

but when i do it, i don’t deserve my apologies to be taken

even though she has NEVER apologized for anything in her life, never to me, not when she hits me, not when she hits me on accident, not when she makes me cry

BUT I’M THE WORST ONE, i am the worst thing that could have happened to her

I am the Monster

without a will to live and with a dream to be left alone to die

I hate it

I HATE GOING TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE AND WANTING TO DIE BECAUSE THEIR FAMILIES ARE SO NICE TO THEM, AND NICE TO ME

SOMEONE WHO’S INTRUDING AND BOTHERING THEM, ME

“You’re always welcome here” always feel like a stab through the heart

Because it makes me feel wanted and i hate that, admit that i’m a bother and you hate me and that you think i’M UGLY AND DISGUSTING AND THAT I’M THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME

I’M FULL OF DISGUSTING FEELINGS AND HATRED AND I’M UGLY AND TOO FAT AND TOO BIG AND TAKE TOO MUCH SPACE AND I SMELL HORRIBLE AND MY FACE IS HORRIBLE AND I HATE EXISTING BECAUSE MY MERE EXISTENCE BOTHERS OTHERS

(( Oh Snaily of the past, you wrote this after going to a friend’s house and it made you feel happy. Why can’t you accept that? People do like you, they love you. Your friend wanted you to live with them at some point remember? People genuinely like you. Being a burden sometimes it’s okay. ))

I apologized to her because i knew yesterday was my slip up. Can’t let her know i hate having her in my life, that she reminds me of everything that’s wrong in my life, that she’s one of the reasons i’m so suicidal

Gotta pretend, as always, that i’m the good “Daughter”, the Good Child, the Golden Child

so i did. But she immediately cried and said something about how she’s sacrificed so much for me and that if she took control of my bank account it was for my own good and hers, and that i am an adult already, i should already know how to take care of myself (i know, i know) and that i can’t go out into the world by being such a toxic person that disrespects the hand that feeds her (i know, i know) that kind of thing doesn’t fly when you have a job (god, i know)

She didn’t accept my apology, said i went too far. That some things can never be forgiven (how funny, shoot me, shoot me, shoot me) and that i really fucked up, because she’s the only one that has looked out for me, she’s the only person in the world that doesn’t deserve my anger (i cried in this part, cried out of anger and frustration, how dare she not know)

“You can’t take your anger out on people, i thought i had thought you better and that you were a smart child. Weren’t you talking about being kind yesterday? You can’t be a hypocrite”

i cried. she’s right. ([Be a good person, that’s all.] i tried, i try, but i’m a horrible person that’s full of hatred and that will eventually hurt their friends. i’m sorry, my life isn’t my own. I can’t be who i want to be)

I’m a hypocrite. I want to hurt and maim others, i want to feel justified when i do, i want to feel good when i hurt others, i want to be validated in my sorrow

(( Your anger is the part of you that loves you and wants people to treat you right. You’re not monstrous for that. Also she literally lied to you here because later on she didn’t do any of her Threats, your anger was justified. Snaily, remember you’re the Abused here.

I know you feel violent sometimes, but you don’t really want to hurt people. You just want to protect yourself ))

That’s the abuse cycle, isn’t it?

My parents hurt me in different ways when i was a child, they cursed me, so now i’m cursed to turn into a monster at the sight of moonlight and rip my friends limb from limb with my fangs

I’m cursed, i’m cursed, and i’ll hurt anyone that i see vulnerable enough to take my bite

and i don’t want that

I’ve talked about it, haven’t i? How i don’t want to be a monster

Ali said i wasn’t. But Ali won’t even talk to me anymore because she probably realized i’m a weird creep that idolizes too much and gets obsessed with people that treat them right in the slightest. She won’t talk to me because she realized that maybe i am a monster.

(( Ali stopped talking to you because life happened! It’s not that deep. Sometimes friends drift apart. Hopefully she still thinks fondly of you. As much as you think fondly of her. People drift and leave, it’s part of life. It’s okay. ))

So i keep thinking, that i can’t let myself hurt anyone else. My mother brought it up today (”You’ll just end up hurting others, don’t you see?”) But i do see, mother.

So i have to be the one that kills the monster. A dead beast can’t kill or maim, can’t pass on the curse of abuse if they’re dead.

It always gets this bad, i always want to die, and when i try to be a good person it becomes evident i’ll never be

I’m too full of hatred for that

I think i’ll be safe once i get out of here, of the hellhole, but that’s a silly illusion isn´t it?

You can take the child out of the hell hole, but you can never take out the hellhole out of the child

not with therapy, not with a good environment, not with a good life, not that i deserve one anyway

A beast will always be a beast

An abused child will become an abuser

And a bad person can never try to be anything else but that

(( You’re not a bad person for feeling miserable, for feeling angry, for being hurt and having these big Big emotions! That might be your possible BPD talking. Therapy would really help you, never ever doubt that your life would be better once you leave this bad environment and get proper treatment ))

----------------------------

I keep thinking about how pear seeds can be toxic if you eat enough of them. Have a grinder at home, can make my own suicide dust, put in my own food and we’re done, happy end, happily ever after.

Don’t have pears. I hate pears.

I keep thinking about how in a robbery, people are desperate enough nowadays to shoot me dead if i refuse to cooperate

I’ll refuse to cooperate, i will and then i’ll be dead. Happily ever after, and the bus will get up and cheer

I’m a coward. How would that work

I keep thinking about how to make someone kill me. Roadkill. But how? 

Should put my life up on the dark web, someone must want to pay for the Thrill of Killing a Living Person, i’d give them that, i’d be good for something for once

These all all just sweet fairytales, aren’t they? The fantasy that it won’t hurt or that it won’t be my fault when i’m dead and people get inconvenienced by it.

I wanna be roadkill, explode into million of pieces, picked up in bags by some poor bastard that just wants to go home instead of touching dead flesh. 

Then i will sleep. And rest. And my back won’t hurt. And my longing and heartache won’t be there anymore.

I lost my will to live a few days ago. Because i missed a presentation out of pure anxiety. Of feeling like a failure.

I’ll tell you a secret, the feeling of failure has been with me ever since. It haunts me, because i know, this time, it’s real. I was supposed to be better, be a good hardworker, not a lazy piece of shit.

Being lazy doesn’t feel good for me, it makes me realize i truly am mediocre.

(( Being mediocre isn’t a crime you know. You don’t have to be exceptional. You just have to be you. And be gentle with you. I’m sorry you felt suicidal. I love you ))

---------------------------------------------------------------

My mother said that 6 months after i graduate, that’ll be all. After that she’ll be gone and not support me economically anymore.

That i brought this onto me.

That’s what i get, for slipping up.

(( This is again manipulation. She never goes through with it!!! She’s just manipulating you, trying to keep you under her thumb!! It’s okay Snaily. You’ll be okay. You don’t deserve her gaslighting and manipulation. But you need to know you’re being wronged, even if you’re not in the right sometimes ))

I deserve that.

Six months. I’ll never get a job and i’ll continue to be a failure and i would have wasted everyone’s time.

That’s all i’m good for.

Six months. That’s nothing. There’s not enough jobs. And i’m not talented enough to get a job so fast. I’m no one, and i’ll always be. 

Talentless hack with a diploma, that would be me.

six months. That’s good. That’s good. I deserve it. It’ll force me to grow. Or sink.

Oh, i’ll sink. 

I’ll sink. While i watch my friends fly away onto jobs i wish i had, because they had what i didn’t:

Talent, A Will to Live, A Future

while i sink.

That can’t be too bad. When i say this, i honestly feel good for them in that scenario. I’m not bitter, not against them anyway. Because I love them, and love should never be about jealousy, should never be tainted with that.

Because that’s not love. True love is wanting your friends to grow and become the best version of themselves. I really want that for them.

I’m just sad i can’t do the same, because of me and me only.

Wonder how expensive a gun is. Maybe i will get a job. Save enough for one and some ammo. Then boom.

Talentless hack no more.

Maybe i can get two guns, fire them both at the same time, one for the mouth, one for the top of my head. 

Flawless execution.

And then i’ll get to see my grandpa, finally, again.

(( He’d be sad to see you in such circumstances. He loved you. As much as you loved him. He’d want for you to live a long fulfilling life. You can do it. Just wait a little longer. You’ll get out of here. I swear. I’ll hold your hand the whole way through. I love you. I love you. I love you ))

[neverending-city-lights]

A Drive back around Boston...

...and a not-so-perfect date night.

I woke up happy again. With a sense of peace and restfulness I’m really not used to sleeping in foreign beds or with other people.

And then, your kisses. So soft and perfect. I could literally feel your love. It radiated off you and it filled me with such joy.

We lazed around in the morning, and true to our fashion, we picked out each other’s underwear for the day. A silly, fun note to who we are together. The things we like on the other.

And then we headed out after I (of course) ironed my clothes and made sure you didn’t mismatch a bright green jacket with your already multi-colored shirt. XD Hehe. I’m sure you knew I’d have SOME comment about your fashion. Lucky for you, I always think you’re cute.

And when we got in the car, our hands found each other the way they always did and we drove into Boston. 

I’ll confess this part of the day was less about you and more just about seeing Boston again. I reveled in Boston! Fenway. I was awash with happiness and nostalgia and just ... this weird sense of home.

I almost felt guilty feeling that way. Like I was somehow betraying the life and joy I have in LA. I guess I’ve kept the fear that maybe the only reason I truly chose LA was because of Nyle. Because I feel like that’s what other people thought behind closed doors. Not that I’ve ever truly cared what people thought, but in this case, I guess all the whisperings always made me wonder.

And when people ask why I moved to LA I don’t have what I feel like is an “acceptable” reason. I just wanted to keep traveling is the honest answer. I just wanted to move somewhere else and experience nothing but sunshine. But I did truly love Boston. But I felt like I had outgrown the city. 

But being back, I guess I realized that it’s okay to feel like TWO places are my home. Boston feels just as much my home as LA does. 

And so we walked. And I reveled. You had a call with your family and so while you chatted, I just happily held your hand and was lost in all my thoughts about Boston and LA and my choices.

By the time you were done, we had made a whole loop and headed back to the car to do a drive around the parts of Boston that were a bit too crowded to walk through during covid.

During this time, it was just the two of us talking again. Sharing our memories and pasts in this city that we had lived in. From Downtown Crossing (sad to see Explorateur boarded up), to the apartments you used to live in and the clubs you used to live by, to the seaport and my daily lunch walks around the (highly white) area.

By the time we got back, it was the height of late afternoon and we went out to your (cold) sunroom together. A cider, a joint, and two chairs we pulled close together and cuddled under.

I got REALLY high here. But unsure if it was a factor in a moment I remember with stark clarity.

We were just talking and sharing stories. It was really nice. But then you said something that struck me. You had been fucking around with a guy behind your husband’s back in the fall.

My heart sunk to my feet.

But for Matthew. Because here you were, still on your dumb shit. And I realized with even more sinking dread, that so was I, because I had let you FLY me out here with you, which was worse than you occasionally letting a third fuck you without Matthew around.

And yet ... it still bothered me, because I ... I guess some part of me hoped that you had been getting better. Foolish. Stupid. That’s how I felt about myself.

And then you kept going in one of your high rants. A couple you had met, with a daughter. And the slightly inappropriate pictures you’d send the other husband. Your admittance if it wasn’t for covid you’d probably have fucked with him as well, because you could tell the two of you were cut from the same cloth. Yes. Anxiety and depressive with a tendency to cheat and be awful. Love that admittance. 

Now I was actually disgusted with you. As a person. As a human.

But I guess, also ... myself. Because here I was. But like all the other feelings I was having, I just buried it. Swallowed it like it didn’t exist and kept pushing forward.

In a haze of a high, we were then in the kitchen, cooking again. Or more accurately, you were. Short ribs and cous cous. You hadn’t cooked for me in so long and I was so excited.

SO excited. I didn’t help as much as I should have (too high and tipsy to be of much use tbh), but I did watch you with rapt attention. And I loved every second. Our dancing in the kitchen together. That solo (off beat) dancing you do. It was ... adorable.

And then when everything was in the oven, we went on a walk together. I had pushed all prior disgust and emotion to the side as we walked and talked and everything was once again blissful.

By the time we came back, the food was almost ready and I was tasked with setting the table. Candles. Folded napkins. Wine. Our ships on either side. It was ... perfect.

But it wasn’t somehow. Because I was so distinctly aware that it was fake. But the problem was, I wanted it to be real. I wanted this to be more than it was.

For a moment, I realized I was beginning to hate where I was. I didn’t WANT to get upset at you having sex with other people or flirting. Because I wouldn’t give two shits if we were together and that’s what we had agreed to. But knowing you were doing that and still hurting someone ... it made it different.

And after that perfect date dinner, there was the call with Matthew. This time, it hurt. Because I had emotions. A LOT of emotions. And I wasn’t even sure what all of them were. 

Pain. Anger. Disgust. Jealousy. Shame. Guilt. Hatred. Sadness. 

And a strong sense of ... being forbidden. But not a thrilling forbidden. Not the way I felt at the Super Bowl. Or that dive bar in Maverick Square. This forbidden hurt. This forbidden, was me not actually being yours, despite how well it played out during the day.

Even typing it now, I feel all those things again. A swirl of so many emotions, and even now my chest is tight with anger and frustration and sadness.

Anyways ...

We went to bed that night, and the emotions were still heavy on my chest. I think you could tell, perhaps. I hadn’t meant to draw away, but I was drawing away. Because the illusion had finally given way to reality for me.

And the reality was awful to face.

[godinsesen]

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[ecotone99]

[MF] Spirit Chapter 1 by Richard Pargass

(Hello internet this is the first chapter of a series I was inspired to write, I hope some people like it)

SPIRIT

The sharp winter air cut through the pervading silence of Hayabusa National Park, silencing Riku’s mind with a sudden jolt of intense chill. The extreme temperatures offered a brief respite from the torturous thoughts that plagued him. His body was now in survival mode, shivering intensely in a feeble attempt to warm itself. His thin skater hoodie and jeans, insufficient to provide the warmth it needed.

The events of the day kept replaying in his mind: the shouting, the arguing, the crying and the horrible depression that followed. His only escape was the park. Midday seemed like it had just passed, but the flickering shadows of the beech and fir tree branches, dancing in the dim light of the park lamps announced the arrival of night.

Riku sat at the bottom of the giant stone bleachers in the centre of the park, a massive oval shaped fish pond lay across from them, past the well trodden dirt path and across the bank of grass separating them. Surrounding the central pool was a multitude of winding paths, dim street lights and endless trees, a beautiful, calming place, the only place in fact where Riku could compose himself after the usual routine of family dysfunction. It had become a daily occurrence.

At 17 years old he cut a gangly figure, just coming out of the awkward teenage growth spurt, the park light not revealing his freckled light brown skin tone, nor the piercing green eyes that no matter how you looked at them, seemed to reveal a wisdom beyond the years of any 17 year old. However, to the well seasoned observer, one could detect a hint of constant anxiety, the dark storm brewing evermore in his soul.

‘’When did this all start?’’ Riku thought to himself. Growing up without a father had left a void in his soul, an open wound that just would not heal. He saw pictures of his Dad, a dusty blond haired, shrewd faced man, pointy nose and deep creases in his forehead, revealing years of apparent stress.

But pictures never helped anyone Riku thought, pictures never helped the constant alcohol that his older sister brought home, drowning in perpetual sorrow after another gruelling day at her cubicle job. When Riku’s mom had passed away shortly after he was born, his father left shortly after, leaving his then 15 year old sister in charge.

She loved Riku; but over time darkness ensnared her heart in a cruel, inescapable net. Chaos and turmoil was the regular atmosphere at home. Being the younger Riku had to bear the full brunt of this, day in and day out, ever since it started at around 10 years old. Constant arguments and endless hurling insults. But through it all, deep down in what was left of his already shattered heart, Riku was helpless in feeling nothing but love for his sister, and his only wish was to help her, but with his already turbulent life he often felt overwhelmed, overshadowed and inadequate.

As he sat on the giant stone steps, oddly comfortable for nothing but worn out concrete, he knew he couldn’t go back to this life one second more. ‘’What do I do? What can I do?’’ he anguished. The winter wind suddenly picked up, a mixture of brown and white as the remnants of Autumn leaves and snow intertwined.

The wind got stronger and stronger, Riku was a bit alarmed now. Out of nowhere, a sound resembling the howling cry of lost souls penetrated the night. Riku suddenly fell into a trance, he felt as though the wind was talking to him. He could feel a presence in it, something much bigger than him, much greater than his mind could comprehend. Riku was never a religious or spiritual type of person but he certainly had no idea of what this feeling could possibly be.

The wind grew stronger and stronger, hurricane force speeds could have been clocked for all he knew. ‘’This is it, I’m going to die’’ he thought. At first he kept his calm, as part of him wanted dearly to depart this earth, to leave all the turmoil behind. An image of his sister flashed in his mind, the soft brown eyes, delicate eyelashes and pink floral patterned summer dress that she wore during happier times came to the forefront of his mind. Panic ensued, “I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE HER YET’’ was the new, dominant thought, surging through him, but the wind did not stop. Picking up in force by the second, the howling became a deafening roar, a cacophony of confusion, sadness, leaves and snow surrounded him. Then, silence.

Sand. Heat. Two things polar opposite to the sensations he experienced a moment before. Riku opened his eyes, and what he saw floored him.

A massive flat, sprawling desert lay in front of him, a ray of sunlight shimmering and dancing in the red sand. The sand itself was soft, with a texture reminiscent to silt, not like beach sand. Riku was in the same position as he was on the stone bleachers, only now he knew two things. One: the profuse sweat dripping down his face and the grainy feel of sand under his pants meant he wasn’t dreaming, and two: he wasn’t in Japan anymore.

Riku suddenly noticed he wasn’t directly in the sun’s brutal rays, for what seemed miles in front of him lay a massive shadow resembling a tree extending almost ominously, and Riku found himself directly in its shade.

He turned around, and what greeted his eyes left him speechless, not that he was saying anything in the first place, but a fitting description nonetheless of the absolute awe-inspiring object in front of him. It was a massive Cryptomeria tree, 100 times bigger than Jōmon Sugi (縄文杉) the biggest cryptomeria or Yakusugi tree in Japan. It was at least 20000 metres high, with an extremely thick trunk, akin to multiple suits of armour stacked one on the other.

It’s jutting branches climbed high into the brilliant blue sky, and from Riku’s position he could barely see the summit, so tall was this otherworldly tree.

‘’Stand!’’ a deep voice barked. Riku jumped up in surprise. He quickly turned around to see an old man, his flowing white hair and silver beard fluttering in the wind. The man’s face had no distinguishable features, except one thing, his eyes were completely white, devoid of any iris or pupils.

“Who.. who are you?’’ Riku asked quaveringly.

“I am all that has come to pass and will come to pass, I am night and I am day, I am the end and the beginning,’’ answered the old man.

Still utterly bewildered by the whole situation, this ambiguous response was of no help to Riku.

“Look old man, I’m in a bad mood, I don’t have time for silly riddles.’’ snapped Riku.

The old man, wearing nothing but grey robes, produced what looked like a wooden training sword or ‘bokken’ and threw it in front of Riku. “Attack me.’’ he said.

Riku stared at him. “This guy is mentally ill or something ‘’ he thought, ‘’what is he going on about, attack him?’’

Riku stood still, not daring to move. Before he could utter another word he found he was gasping for breath, as if an invisible hand was crushing his windpipe, increasing in strength with every passing second. ‘’ATTACK’’ the man thundered. Riku’s body acted instinctively, as if knowing the more he stood still the more he would gasp for breath.

He picked up the sword and blindly charged at the man, hoping this terrible nightmare he had found himself in would somehow come to an end with this attack. The whole thought of it seemed ridiculous to him later on, but in the moment he couldn’t process what was happening.

The man deftly sidestepped Riku, disarmed him with swift hands and slammed him back on the ground.

Hot tears mixed with scorched red sand filled Riku’s eyes. Winded from the blow, desperately dehydrated from the sun and physically and emotionally drained; he felt hopeless once more, just like he felt in his own world, even here in this alien place, his emotions never changed.

Suddenly a small puddle of water appeared in front of him. “Drink.’’ ordered the man. Riku didn’t need to think twice. Severely dehydrated, he guzzled the crystal clear water in the blink of an eye.

Feeling refreshed and no longer like his windpipe was about to explode, he asked the man, softly this time, “Please sir, would you kindly tell me who you are?’’

Riku swore he saw a brief smile flash across the man’s expressionless face as he replied.

‘’I am the Spirit of the great tree you see over there. There is nothing in this world beside a barren desert, yet in the middle of it The Great Yakusugi tree was able to grow, do you know why?’’ asked the man.

Riku shook his head, unable to comprehend fully what he was being told.

‘’I know who you are Riku Hashimoto. I have been with you since the day you were born. I am the one who brought you here, and it is me who will send you back. I watch over your world in spirit form, where no one is able to see, hear or touch me, but I see all, I hear all, and I feel all.’’

‘’In your world there is constant hatred, anger, jealousy and all manner of sin that blinds humans to their true potential. People chase after uncertain futures, consumed by the fires of greed and lust for power. Superficiality has become the normal routine for many, as the truth of the world has long been lost and skewed over the ages. The teachings of the prophets of old have been forgotten, and every person has their own idea of what the world should be like, mixing it with their personal wants and needs, but lacking the humility to accept a greater understanding of the world around them.’’

‘’There is however one saving grace, young Riku. It is Love. True love holds a power so great no mortal seeking physical gain and riches can comprehend it. It transcends all knowledge and human understanding, it is the key to the truth of the universe that you exist in.’’

‘’This realm I have brought you to, is the realization of what is inside your soul.’’ All around you is barren wasteland, scorched by a relentless sun, representing years of pain and inner turmoil, which over time destroyed the once vibrant forests and trees that once grew when you were born. All that is left is this great Yakusugi tree. You thought you were going to die Riku, but just before you perceived your last moments, the love you held for your sister overtook you, despite your harsh upbringing and family life, you still clung to true love with no remorse till the end. This tree represents that love. An immovable force of life even in the most barren of deserts. Such is the power I speak of’’.

‘’Your selflessness even in your last moments moved me, so much so I decided to give you a second chance at life, Riku Hashimoto. It is not often in your world a human can make such a deep connection with the true power of the spirit.’’

‘’From now on I will guide you in your life, no longer will your heart be troubled, you will see truth in everything you do, and will develop a perception of reality different from anything you’ve experienced before. I will call you here again Riku. There are countless worlds like these, each filled with their own mystery, sometimes joy, sometimes misery. You will be my apprentice in cleansing each world of hatred and despair, developing your spiritual power along the way.’’

Riku stood still, a sense of inexplicable calm enveloped him, as if something in him had changed permanently. He felt like an eternity had passed in that strange reality, and his eyes began to droop, the wind suddenly picked up again. The sand blew in all directions, a whirlwind of red filled the atmosphere, and the shadowy silhouette of the old man faded into the distance. Despite all this, Riku continued to drift off to sleep.

When Riku woke up, he noticed he was lying down on the same stone bleacher from the previous night. ‘’What a crazy dream’’ he thought to himself. With a weary sigh, he got up. ‘’Time to go home and do this all again, the lament of poor old Riku Hashimoto continues’’ he thought. As he took his first step, Riku felt something uncomfortable in the neck of his weathered hoodie, something itchy, something grainy. With a tentative shake, Riku watched in awe as something red fell to the ground.

It was the same blood red, silt-like sand from his ‘dream’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

©Richard Pargass Spirit Story 2020.

Edited by T.Bell

Email : [Richiesmasher1@gmail.com](mailto:Richiesmasher1@gmail.com)

submitted by /u/ConsistentLocksmith2 [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/2RTjGHy

[chocolate-brownies]

How a 31-Day Loving-Kindness Meditation Challenge Transformed My Relationships and Reduced My Anxiety

How a 31-Day Loving-Kindness Meditation Challenge Transformed My Relationships and Reduced My Anxiety:

Doing loving-kindness, a simple mantra-based meditation, for 15 minutes a day transformed how one writer handled conflict and helped her stay calm during times of stress.

A 31-day loving-kindness meditation challenge was not going to be easy for a Yoga Journal Editor. But she was excited to see where the month would take her. 

I’m a little hesitant to say this as a Yoga Journal editor, but here goes: I do not have a strong meditation practice.

I always like to imagine myself sitting angelically on a meditation cushion, softly smiling as deep peace comes rushing to me. But in reality, my monkey mind and strong urge to “do it right” have kept me from a consistent, long-term practice.

So, when the Yoga Journal staff agreed to take on the 31-Day Meditation challenge to keep ourselves accountable throughout the month, I was game—if a little hesitant. There was a part of me that feared the unknown of meditation, and wondered what darkness within myself would potentially bubble up to the surface, which is why I chose to try loving-kindness meditation—a style of meditating that promised to help me intentionally work with negative emotions.

See also 5 Poses to Inspire More Self-Love, Less Self Smack-Talk

What is Loving-Kindness?

I was instantly attracted to loving-kindness because I sometimes struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, and comparison. While these feelings are normal and valid, I hoped this type of meditation would help me relay these feelings in a kinder, more loving way. I also wanted to hold more compassion and acceptance toward my co-workers, family, friends, and partner.

I honestly didn’t know much about the practice before beginning this challenge, so I reached out to loving-kindness expert and New York Times Bestselling author, Sharon Salzberg, to offer guidance throughout my meditation journey.

Loving-Kindness meditation uses a sequence of mantras to offer well-wishes to different people in your life. “Instead of using the breath as the central object, we use the silent repetition of certain phrases,” says Salzberg. “And the phrases are an offering to someone—a gift-giving.”

See also How a Daily Meditation Practice Helps You Find Trust

The most common loving-kindness mantra: may I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease. 

The Loving-Kindness Mantra

Salzberg recommended I stick with the most common mantra during my meditation challenge:

May I be safe May I be happy May I be healthy May I live with ease

All I had to do was repeat these phrases over and over again. When the time comes to focus on people beside yourself, just change the language from May I to May you.

“Your mind is going to wander,” Salzberg told me. “It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just how we’ve been conditioned. The really critical moment in concentration is actually after we’ve realized we’ve been gone. Because that’s the moment we have a chance to learn how to let go more gently. We can return back to our object with more kindness to ourselves.”

Salzberg’s wisdom gave me a newfound hope about starting a sitting meditation practice. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to “do it right” that I was forgetting to give myself the space to explore something new as a beginner, which ultimately seemed like a great way to learn how to love myself in a gentler, kinder way. So, I embarked on this meditation challenge with a different mindset than ever before: I probably won’t be doing it perfectly for a while, and that is perfectly OK.

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

The Loving-Kindness Sequence

The loving-kindness meditation sequence focuses on yourself first, and then you move down the list to different people within a category. You do not have to complete the sequence during every meditation session; sometimes you can sit with the feeling of one person throughout your entire practice or, as Salzberg recommended for me, break the sequence into four weeks to allow the love and compassion of the practice to slowly take hold.

Yourself The sequence begins with offering the phrases to yourself. Salzberg explains that it is often easiest to offer love to yourself first before you can offer love to others. She says that if this is difficult because of harmful self-talk, you can skip this portion until you feel ready. Personally, I found this section to be my favorite because it felt where I most needed the work. Sometimes I would only get through this section of the meditation before my session was up.

The Benefactor The second portion of the sequence goes to a benefactor. Salzberg asked me to think of someone or something that I identified as the definition of love. This doesn’t have to be a human or anyone in particular. She mentioned I could even think about my dog. I thought of my mom during this section, because I find her love to be unconditional and unwavering. 

A Friend  The third person is a friend, or someone you are fond of. Honestly, I skipped over this section in the sequence. As the weeks went on, I was eager to focus my attention on other types of people that I was having difficulty with. 

A Neutral Person The fourth person is a neutral person, such as a grocery store clerk you see often. She instructed me to think of someone who I hold no strong feeling about, neither positive or negative. I thought of my mailman—and now smile every time I see him dropping off the mail at my house. 

A Difficult Person  The fifth person is someone you find difficult. Salzberg advised that I shouldn’t think of my mortal enemy during this phase, but rather someone who I might have a minor disagreement with or get a little irritated by when we hang out. I initially thought it would be difficult for me to find a person for this section. But when the time came, I found it easy based on the stress I was experiencing at work. 

All Beings  The final portion of the loving-kindness sequence focuses on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met.

See also A Simple Yin Meditation to Let Go of Your Inner Control Freak (and Why It Works)

Yoga Journal Editor, Samantha Trueheart, shares how her loving-kindness meditation went throughout the course of a month. 

My Experience With Loving-Kindness Meditation

I decided to start off small and only practice 15-minutes of meditation every night. Although Salzberg alluded that a morning meditation has more benefits, she also said, “the best time is when you’ll actually get it done.” I took that advice to heart and decided my morning routine was less organized than the one I do before bed, which would result in me making more excuses not to meditate.

My first week of meditation felt great: I focused on offering the mantra to myself and to my benefactor. Salzberg told me that the proof of success in this practice is when it shows through in real life. Within that first week, I noticed I began speaking to myself in a kinder way, eating healthier, feeling less reactive to work emails, and managing my stress with calmer tactics.

Sometimes random memories or repressed, shameful moments from my past would surface during my practice. Memories of my anxious pre-teen days surfaced, or how I might not have been as loving as I would have liked in interactions with family and friends. I tried to focus on the offering of love, to forgive myself, and to let go of the memory as a reminder that it no longer served me in the present moment.

When I offered the mantra to my mother, I noticed more feelings of sleepiness. That didn’t surprise me, because her voice used to soothe me to sleep. I didn’t always repeat the mantra throughout the full 15 minutes. Sometimes I just sat in these cozy, sleepy, safe feelings.

The second week of my meditation is when Yoga Journal’s January issue hit newsstands, and my practice took a new form. My digital job became even more stressful than usual as I fielded many negative social media posts about our decision to split the cover between Jessamyn Stanley and Maty Ezraty. I felt hurt as I read countless negative comments, and found myself filled with shame that we had failed our readers.

Then, I took those emotions and applied them to my loving-kindness practice.

I offered the mantra first to myself, then to those we hurt, then to the people spewing hatred toward us on social media, and finally to all Yoga Journal readers. Sometimes it was hard to get through the whole meditation because of sadness or anger. However, this meditation helped me feel compassion toward the people I felt were picking fights just for the sake of fighting. I realized that we’re all working through pain, and realized that ultimately, the naysayers just want to be loved and accepted—just like I do, too. 

As the weeks went on, it was as if I was marinating in loving-kindness meditation. I found myself saying the mantra during times of high stress at work or in my personal life. I even recited the mantra to myself when I was traveling and my airplane landing felt a little too bumpy for my own comfort.

The loving-kindness meditation was a way for me to slow down and understand my feelings before I reacted. Instead of yelling and acting out in anger at my neighbor’s loud party, I did the meditation and found myself letting go of the feeling of control, accepting the situation, and understanding that they weren’t being loud as a malicious act toward me.

On the last day of my 31-day meditation challenge, I realized I may never get to the point where meditation is an easy thing for me, and that my longing for deep, lasting peace will be a life-long journey. I told myself that it was OK to be right where I’m at today, and learned that the practice is really all about finding a way to love myself anyway. 

[krisiunicornio]

Doing loving-kindness, a simple mantra-based meditation, for 15 minutes a day transformed how one writer handled conflict and helped her stay calm during times of stress.

A 31-day loving-kindness meditation challenge was not going to be easy for a Yoga Journal Editor. But she was excited to see where the month would take her. 

I’m a little hesitant to say this as a Yoga Journal editor, but here goes: I do not have a strong meditation practice.

I always like to imagine myself sitting angelically on a meditation cushion, softly smiling as deep peace comes rushing to me. But in reality, my monkey mind and strong urge to “do it right” have kept me from a consistent, long-term practice.

So, when the Yoga Journal staff agreed to take on the 31-Day Meditation challenge to keep ourselves accountable throughout the month, I was game—if a little hesitant. There was a part of me that feared the unknown of meditation, and wondered what darkness within myself would potentially bubble up to the surface, which is why I chose to try loving-kindness meditation—a style of meditating that promised to help me intentionally work with negative emotions.

See also 5 Poses to Inspire More Self-Love, Less Self Smack-Talk

What is Loving-Kindness?

I was instantly attracted to loving-kindness because I sometimes struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, and comparison. While these feelings are normal and valid, I hoped this type of meditation would help me relay these feelings in a kinder, more loving way. I also wanted to hold more compassion and acceptance toward my co-workers, family, friends, and partner.

I honestly didn’t know much about the practice before beginning this challenge, so I reached out to loving-kindness expert and New York Times Bestselling author, Sharon Salzberg, to offer guidance throughout my meditation journey.

Loving-Kindness meditation uses a sequence of mantras to offer well-wishes to different people in your life. “Instead of using the breath as the central object, we use the silent repetition of certain phrases,” says Salzberg. “And the phrases are an offering to someone—a gift-giving.”

See also How a Daily Meditation Practice Helps You Find Trust

The most common loving-kindness mantra: may I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease. 

The Loving-Kindness Mantra

Salzberg recommended I stick with the most common mantra during my meditation challenge:

May I be safe May I be happy May I be healthy May I live with ease

All I had to do was repeat these phrases over and over again. When the time comes to focus on people beside yourself, just change the language from May I to May you.

“Your mind is going to wander,” Salzberg told me. “It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just how we’ve been conditioned. The really critical moment in concentration is actually after we’ve realized we’ve been gone. Because that’s the moment we have a chance to learn how to let go more gently. We can return back to our object with more kindness to ourselves.”

Salzberg’s wisdom gave me a newfound hope about starting a sitting meditation practice. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to “do it right” that I was forgetting to give myself the space to explore something new as a beginner, which ultimately seemed like a great way to learn how to love myself in a gentler, kinder way. So, I embarked on this meditation challenge with a different mindset than ever before: I probably won’t be doing it perfectly for a while, and that is perfectly OK.

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

The Loving-Kindness Sequence

The loving-kindness meditation sequence focuses on yourself first, and then you move down the list to different people within a category. You do not have to complete the sequence during every meditation session; sometimes you can sit with the feeling of one person throughout your entire practice or, as Salzberg recommended for me, break the sequence into four weeks to allow the love and compassion of the practice to slowly take hold.

Yourself The sequence begins with offering the phrases to yourself. Salzberg explains that it is often easiest to offer love to yourself first before you can offer love to others. She says that if this is difficult because of harmful self-talk, you can skip this portion until you feel ready. Personally, I found this section to be my favorite because it felt where I most needed the work. Sometimes I would only get through this section of the meditation before my session was up.

The Benefactor The second portion of the sequence goes to a benefactor. Salzberg asked me to think of someone or something that I identified as the definition of love. This doesn’t have to be a human or anyone in particular. She mentioned I could even think about my dog. I thought of my mom during this section, because I find her love to be unconditional and unwavering. 

A Friend  The third person is a friend, or someone you are fond of. Honestly, I skipped over this section in the sequence. As the weeks went on, I was eager to focus my attention on other types of people that I was having difficulty with. 

A Neutral Person The fourth person is a neutral person, such as a grocery store clerk you see often. She instructed me to think of someone who I hold no strong feeling about, neither positive or negative. I thought of my mailman—and now smile every time I see him dropping off the mail at my house. 

A Difficult Person  The fifth person is someone you find difficult. Salzberg advised that I shouldn’t think of my mortal enemy during this phase, but rather someone who I might have a minor disagreement with or get a little irritated by when we hang out. I initially thought it would be difficult for me to find a person for this section. But when the time came, I found it easy based on the stress I was experiencing at work. 

All Beings  The final portion of the loving-kindness sequence focuses on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met.

See also A Simple Yin Meditation to Let Go of Your Inner Control Freak (and Why It Works)

Yoga Journal Editor, Samantha Trueheart, shares how her loving-kindness meditation went throughout the course of a month. 

My Experience With Loving-Kindness Meditation

I decided to start off small and only practice 15-minutes of meditation every night. Although Salzberg alluded that a morning meditation has more benefits, she also said, “the best time is when you’ll actually get it done.” I took that advice to heart and decided my morning routine was less organized than the one I do before bed, which would result in me making more excuses not to meditate.

My first week of meditation felt great: I focused on offering the mantra to myself and to my benefactor. Salzberg told me that the proof of success in this practice is when it shows through in real life. Within that first week, I noticed I began speaking to myself in a kinder way, eating healthier, feeling less reactive to work emails, and managing my stress with calmer tactics.

Sometimes random memories or repressed, shameful moments from my past would surface during my practice. Memories of my anxious pre-teen days surfaced, or how I might not have been as loving as I would have liked in interactions with family and friends. I tried to focus on the offering of love, to forgive myself, and to let go of the memory as a reminder that it no longer served me in the present moment.

When I offered the mantra to my mother, I noticed more feelings of sleepiness. That didn’t surprise me, because her voice used to soothe me to sleep. I didn’t always repeat the mantra throughout the full 15 minutes. Sometimes I just sat in these cozy, sleepy, safe feelings.

The second week of my meditation is when Yoga Journal’s January issue hit newsstands, and my practice took a new form. My digital job became even more stressful than usual as I fielded many negative social media posts about our decision to split the cover between Jessamyn Stanley and Maty Ezraty. I felt hurt as I read countless negative comments, and found myself filled with shame that we had failed our readers.

Then, I took those emotions and applied them to my loving-kindness practice.

I offered the mantra first to myself, then to those we hurt, then to the people spewing hatred toward us on social media, and finally to all Yoga Journal readers. Sometimes it was hard to get through the whole meditation because of sadness or anger. However, this meditation helped me feel compassion toward the people I felt were picking fights just for the sake of fighting. I realized that we’re all working through pain, and realized that ultimately, the naysayers just want to be loved and accepted—just like I do, too. 

As the weeks went on, it was as if I was marinating in loving-kindness meditation. I found myself saying the mantra during times of high stress at work or in my personal life. I even recited the mantra to myself when I was traveling and my airplane landing felt a little too bumpy for my own comfort.

The loving-kindness meditation was a way for me to slow down and understand my feelings before I reacted. Instead of yelling and acting out in anger at my neighbor’s loud party, I did the meditation and found myself letting go of the feeling of control, accepting the situation, and understanding that they weren’t being loud as a malicious act toward me.

On the last day of my 31-day meditation challenge, I realized I may never get to the point where meditation is an easy thing for me, and that my longing for deep, lasting peace will be a life-long journey. I told myself that it was OK to be right where I’m at today, and learned that the practice is really all about finding a way to love myself anyway. 

[cedarrrun]

Doing loving-kindness, a simple mantra-based meditation, for 15 minutes a day transformed how one writer handled conflict and helped her stay calm during times of stress.

A 31-day loving-kindness meditation challenge was not going to be easy for a Yoga Journal Editor. But she was excited to see where the month would take her. 

I’m a little hesitant to say this as a Yoga Journal editor, but here goes: I do not have a strong meditation practice.

I always like to imagine myself sitting angelically on a meditation cushion, softly smiling as deep peace comes rushing to me. But in reality, my monkey mind and strong urge to “do it right” have kept me from a consistent, long-term practice.

So, when the Yoga Journal staff agreed to take on the 31-Day Meditation challenge to keep ourselves accountable throughout the month, I was game—if a little hesitant. There was a part of me that feared the unknown of meditation, and wondered what darkness within myself would potentially bubble up to the surface, which is why I chose to try loving-kindness meditation—a style of meditating that promised to help me intentionally work with negative emotions.

See also 5 Poses to Inspire More Self-Love, Less Self Smack-Talk

What is Loving-Kindness?

I was instantly attracted to loving-kindness because I sometimes struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, and comparison. While these feelings are normal and valid, I hoped this type of meditation would help me relay these feelings in a kinder, more loving way. I also wanted to hold more compassion and acceptance toward my co-workers, family, friends, and partner.

I honestly didn’t know much about the practice before beginning this challenge, so I reached out to loving-kindness expert and New York Times Bestselling author, Sharon Salzberg, to offer guidance throughout my meditation journey.

Loving-Kindness meditation uses a sequence of mantras to offer well-wishes to different people in your life. “Instead of using the breath as the central object, we use the silent repetition of certain phrases,” says Salzberg. “And the phrases are an offering to someone—a gift-giving.”

See also How a Daily Meditation Practice Helps You Find Trust

The most common loving-kindness mantra: may I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease. 

The Loving-Kindness Mantra

Salzberg recommended I stick with the most common mantra during my meditation challenge:

May I be safe May I be happy May I be healthy May I live with ease

All I had to do was repeat these phrases over and over again. When the time comes to focus on people beside yourself, just change the language from May I to May you.

“Your mind is going to wander,” Salzberg told me. “It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just how we’ve been conditioned. The really critical moment in concentration is actually after we’ve realized we’ve been gone. Because that’s the moment we have a chance to learn how to let go more gently. We can return back to our object with more kindness to ourselves.”

Salzberg’s wisdom gave me a newfound hope about starting a sitting meditation practice. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to “do it right” that I was forgetting to give myself the space to explore something new as a beginner, which ultimately seemed like a great way to learn how to love myself in a gentler, kinder way. So, I embarked on this meditation challenge with a different mindset than ever before: I probably won’t be doing it perfectly for a while, and that is perfectly OK.

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

The Loving-Kindness Sequence

The loving-kindness meditation sequence focuses on yourself first, and then you move down the list to different people within a category. You do not have to complete the sequence during every meditation session; sometimes you can sit with the feeling of one person throughout your entire practice or, as Salzberg recommended for me, break the sequence into four weeks to allow the love and compassion of the practice to slowly take hold.

Yourself The sequence begins with offering the phrases to yourself. Salzberg explains that it is often easiest to offer love to yourself first before you can offer love to others. She says that if this is difficult because of harmful self-talk, you can skip this portion until you feel ready. Personally, I found this section to be my favorite because it felt where I most needed the work. Sometimes I would only get through this section of the meditation before my session was up.

The Benefactor The second portion of the sequence goes to a benefactor. Salzberg asked me to think of someone or something that I identified as the definition of love. This doesn’t have to be a human or anyone in particular. She mentioned I could even think about my dog. I thought of my mom during this section, because I find her love to be unconditional and unwavering. 

A Friend  The third person is a friend, or someone you are fond of. Honestly, I skipped over this section in the sequence. As the weeks went on, I was eager to focus my attention on other types of people that I was having difficulty with. 

A Neutral Person The fourth person is a neutral person, such as a grocery store clerk you see often. She instructed me to think of someone who I hold no strong feeling about, neither positive or negative. I thought of my mailman—and now smile every time I see him dropping off the mail at my house. 

A Difficult Person  The fifth person is someone you find difficult. Salzberg advised that I shouldn’t think of my mortal enemy during this phase, but rather someone who I might have a minor disagreement with or get a little irritated by when we hang out. I initially thought it would be difficult for me to find a person for this section. But when the time came, I found it easy based on the stress I was experiencing at work. 

All Beings  The final portion of the loving-kindness sequence focuses on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met.

See also A Simple Yin Meditation to Let Go of Your Inner Control Freak (and Why It Works)

Yoga Journal Editor, Samantha Trueheart, shares how her loving-kindness meditation went throughout the course of a month. 

My Experience With Loving-Kindness Meditation

I decided to start off small and only practice 15-minutes of meditation every night. Although Salzberg alluded that a morning meditation has more benefits, she also said, “the best time is when you’ll actually get it done.” I took that advice to heart and decided my morning routine was less organized than the one I do before bed, which would result in me making more excuses not to meditate.

My first week of meditation felt great: I focused on offering the mantra to myself and to my benefactor. Salzberg told me that the proof of success in this practice is when it shows through in real life. Within that first week, I noticed I began speaking to myself in a kinder way, eating healthier, feeling less reactive to work emails, and managing my stress with calmer tactics.

Sometimes random memories or repressed, shameful moments from my past would surface during my practice. Memories of my anxious pre-teen days surfaced, or how I might not have been as loving as I would have liked in interactions with family and friends. I tried to focus on the offering of love, to forgive myself, and to let go of the memory as a reminder that it no longer served me in the present moment.

When I offered the mantra to my mother, I noticed more feelings of sleepiness. That didn’t surprise me, because her voice used to soothe me to sleep. I didn’t always repeat the mantra throughout the full 15 minutes. Sometimes I just sat in these cozy, sleepy, safe feelings.

The second week of my meditation is when Yoga Journal’s January issue hit newsstands, and my practice took a new form. My digital job became even more stressful than usual as I fielded many negative social media posts about our decision to split the cover between Jessamyn Stanley and Maty Ezraty. I felt hurt as I read countless negative comments, and found myself filled with shame that we had failed our readers.

Then, I took those emotions and applied them to my loving-kindness practice.

I offered the mantra first to myself, then to those we hurt, then to the people spewing hatred toward us on social media, and finally to all Yoga Journal readers. Sometimes it was hard to get through the whole meditation because of sadness or anger. However, this meditation helped me feel compassion toward the people I felt were picking fights just for the sake of fighting. I realized that we’re all working through pain, and realized that ultimately, the naysayers just want to be loved and accepted—just like I do, too. 

As the weeks went on, it was as if I was marinating in loving-kindness meditation. I found myself saying the mantra during times of high stress at work or in my personal life. I even recited the mantra to myself when I was traveling and my airplane landing felt a little too bumpy for my own comfort.

The loving-kindness meditation was a way for me to slow down and understand my feelings before I reacted. Instead of yelling and acting out in anger at my neighbor’s loud party, I did the meditation and found myself letting go of the feeling of control, accepting the situation, and understanding that they weren’t being loud as a malicious act toward me.

On the last day of my 31-day meditation challenge, I realized I may never get to the point where meditation is an easy thing for me, and that my longing for deep, lasting peace will be a life-long journey. I told myself that it was OK to be right where I’m at today, and learned that the practice is really all about finding a way to love myself anyway. 

[remedialmassage]

How a 31-Day Loving-Kindness Meditation Challenge Transformed My Relationships and Reduced My Anxiety

Doing loving-kindness, a simple mantra-based meditation, for 15 minutes a day transformed how one writer handled conflict and helped her stay calm during times of stress.

A 31-day loving-kindness meditation challenge was not going to be easy for a Yoga Journal Editor. But she was excited to see where the month would take her. 

I’m a little hesitant to say this as a Yoga Journal editor, but here goes: I do not have a strong meditation practice.

I always like to imagine myself sitting angelically on a meditation cushion, softly smiling as deep peace comes rushing to me. But in reality, my monkey mind and strong urge to “do it right” have kept me from a consistent, long-term practice.

So, when the Yoga Journal staff agreed to take on the 31-Day Meditation challenge to keep ourselves accountable throughout the month, I was game—if a little hesitant. There was a part of me that feared the unknown of meditation, and wondered what darkness within myself would potentially bubble up to the surface, which is why I chose to try loving-kindness meditation—a style of meditating that promised to help me intentionally work with negative emotions.

See also 5 Poses to Inspire More Self-Love, Less Self Smack-Talk

What is Loving-Kindness?

I was instantly attracted to loving-kindness because I sometimes struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, and comparison. While these feelings are normal and valid, I hoped this type of meditation would help me relay these feelings in a kinder, more loving way. I also wanted to hold more compassion and acceptance toward my co-workers, family, friends, and partner.

I honestly didn’t know much about the practice before beginning this challenge, so I reached out to loving-kindness expert and New York Times Bestselling author, Sharon Salzberg, to offer guidance throughout my meditation journey.

Loving-Kindness meditation uses a sequence of mantras to offer well-wishes to different people in your life. “Instead of using the breath as the central object, we use the silent repetition of certain phrases,” says Salzberg. “And the phrases are an offering to someone—a gift-giving.”

See also How a Daily Meditation Practice Helps You Find Trust

The most common loving-kindness mantra: may I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease. 

The Loving-Kindness Mantra

Salzberg recommended I stick with the most common mantra during my meditation challenge:

May I be safe May I be happy May I be healthy May I live with ease

All I had to do was repeat these phrases over and over again. When the time comes to focus on people beside yourself, just change the language from May I to May you.

“Your mind is going to wander,” Salzberg told me. “It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just how we’ve been conditioned. The really critical moment in concentration is actually after we’ve realized we’ve been gone. Because that’s the moment we have a chance to learn how to let go more gently. We can return back to our object with more kindness to ourselves.”

Salzberg’s wisdom gave me a newfound hope about starting a sitting meditation practice. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to “do it right” that I was forgetting to give myself the space to explore something new as a beginner, which ultimately seemed like a great way to learn how to love myself in a gentler, kinder way. So, I embarked on this meditation challenge with a different mindset than ever before: I probably won’t be doing it perfectly for a while, and that is perfectly OK.

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

The Loving-Kindness Sequence

The loving-kindness meditation sequence focuses on yourself first, and then you move down the list to different people within a category. You do not have to complete the sequence during every meditation session; sometimes you can sit with the feeling of one person throughout your entire practice or, as Salzberg recommended for me, break the sequence into four weeks to allow the love and compassion of the practice to slowly take hold.

Yourself The sequence begins with offering the phrases to yourself. Salzberg explains that it is often easiest to offer love to yourself first before you can offer love to others. She says that if this is difficult because of harmful self-talk, you can skip this portion until you feel ready. Personally, I found this section to be my favorite because it felt where I most needed the work. Sometimes I would only get through this section of the meditation before my session was up.

The Benefactor The second portion of the sequence goes to a benefactor. Salzberg asked me to think of someone or something that I identified as the definition of love. This doesn’t have to be a human or anyone in particular. She mentioned I could even think about my dog. I thought of my mom during this section, because I find her love to be unconditional and unwavering. 

A Friend  The third person is a friend, or someone you are fond of. Honestly, I skipped over this section in the sequence. As the weeks went on, I was eager to focus my attention on other types of people that I was having difficulty with. 

A Neutral Person The fourth person is a neutral person, such as a grocery store clerk you see often. She instructed me to think of someone who I hold no strong feeling about, neither positive or negative. I thought of my mailman—and now smile every time I see him dropping off the mail at my house. 

A Difficult Person  The fifth person is someone you find difficult. Salzberg advised that I shouldn’t think of my mortal enemy during this phase, but rather someone who I might have a minor disagreement with or get a little irritated by when we hang out. I initially thought it would be difficult for me to find a person for this section. But when the time came, I found it easy based on the stress I was experiencing at work. 

All Beings  The final portion of the loving-kindness sequence focuses on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met.

See also A Simple Yin Meditation to Let Go of Your Inner Control Freak (and Why It Works)

Yoga Journal Editor, Samantha Trueheart, shares how her loving-kindness meditation went throughout the course of a month. 

My Experience With Loving-Kindness Meditation

I decided to start off small and only practice 15-minutes of meditation every night. Although Salzberg alluded that a morning meditation has more benefits, she also said, “the best time is when you’ll actually get it done.” I took that advice to heart and decided my morning routine was less organized than the one I do before bed, which would result in me making more excuses not to meditate.

My first week of meditation felt great: I focused on offering the mantra to myself and to my benefactor. Salzberg told me that the proof of success in this practice is when it shows through in real life. Within that first week, I noticed I began speaking to myself in a kinder way, eating healthier, feeling less reactive to work emails, and managing my stress with calmer tactics.

Sometimes random memories or repressed, shameful moments from my past would surface during my practice. Memories of my anxious pre-teen days surfaced, or how I might not have been as loving as I would have liked in interactions with family and friends. I tried to focus on the offering of love, to forgive myself, and to let go of the memory as a reminder that it no longer served me in the present moment.

When I offered the mantra to my mother, I noticed more feelings of sleepiness. That didn’t surprise me, because her voice used to soothe me to sleep. I didn’t always repeat the mantra throughout the full 15 minutes. Sometimes I just sat in these cozy, sleepy, safe feelings.

The second week of my meditation is when Yoga Journal’s January issue hit newsstands, and my practice took a new form. My digital job became even more stressful than usual as I fielded many negative social media posts about our decision to split the cover between Jessamyn Stanley and Maty Ezraty. I felt hurt as I read countless negative comments, and found myself filled with shame that we had failed our readers.

Then, I took those emotions and applied them to my loving-kindness practice.

I offered the mantra first to myself, then to those we hurt, then to the people spewing hatred toward us on social media, and finally to all Yoga Journal readers. Sometimes it was hard to get through the whole meditation because of sadness or anger. However, this meditation helped me feel compassion toward the people I felt were picking fights just for the sake of fighting. I realized that we’re all working through pain, and realized that ultimately, the naysayers just want to be loved and accepted—just like I do, too. 

As the weeks went on, it was as if I was marinating in loving-kindness meditation. I found myself saying the mantra during times of high stress at work or in my personal life. I even recited the mantra to myself when I was traveling and my airplane landing felt a little too bumpy for my own comfort.

The loving-kindness meditation was a way for me to slow down and understand my feelings before I reacted. Instead of yelling and acting out in anger at my neighbor’s loud party, I did the meditation and found myself letting go of the feeling of control, accepting the situation, and understanding that they weren’t being loud as a malicious act toward me.

On the last day of my 31-day meditation challenge, I realized I may never get to the point where meditation is an easy thing for me, and that my longing for deep, lasting peace will be a life-long journey. I told myself that it was OK to be right where I’m at today, and learned that the practice is really all about finding a way to love myself anyway. 

from Yoga Journal https://ift.tt/2UcUElR

[amyddaniels]

How a 31-Day Loving-Kindness Meditation Challenge Transformed My Relationships and Reduced My Anxiety

Doing loving-kindness, a simple mantra-based meditation, for 15 minutes a day transformed how one writer handled conflict and helped her stay calm during times of stress.

A 31-day loving-kindness meditation challenge was not going to be easy for a Yoga Journal Editor. But she was excited to see where the month would take her. 

I’m a little hesitant to say this as a Yoga Journal editor, but here goes: I do not have a strong meditation practice.

I always like to imagine myself sitting angelically on a meditation cushion, softly smiling as deep peace comes rushing to me. But in reality, my monkey mind and strong urge to “do it right” have kept me from a consistent, long-term practice.

So, when the Yoga Journal staff agreed to take on the 31-Day Meditation challenge to keep ourselves accountable throughout the month, I was game—if a little hesitant. There was a part of me that feared the unknown of meditation, and wondered what darkness within myself would potentially bubble up to the surface, which is why I chose to try loving-kindness meditation—a style of meditating that promised to help me intentionally work with negative emotions.

See also 5 Poses to Inspire More Self-Love, Less Self Smack-Talk

What is Loving-Kindness?

I was instantly attracted to loving-kindness because I sometimes struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy, and comparison. While these feelings are normal and valid, I hoped this type of meditation would help me relay these feelings in a kinder, more loving way. I also wanted to hold more compassion and acceptance toward my co-workers, family, friends, and partner.

I honestly didn’t know much about the practice before beginning this challenge, so I reached out to loving-kindness expert and New York Times Bestselling author, Sharon Salzberg, to offer guidance throughout my meditation journey.

Loving-Kindness meditation uses a sequence of mantras to offer well-wishes to different people in your life. “Instead of using the breath as the central object, we use the silent repetition of certain phrases,” says Salzberg. “And the phrases are an offering to someone—a gift-giving.”

See also How a Daily Meditation Practice Helps You Find Trust

The most common loving-kindness mantra: may I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease. 

The Loving-Kindness Mantra

Salzberg recommended I stick with the most common mantra during my meditation challenge:

May I be safe May I be happy May I be healthy May I live with ease

All I had to do was repeat these phrases over and over again. When the time comes to focus on people beside yourself, just change the language from May I to May you.

“Your mind is going to wander,” Salzberg told me. “It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just how we’ve been conditioned. The really critical moment in concentration is actually after we’ve realized we’ve been gone. Because that’s the moment we have a chance to learn how to let go more gently. We can return back to our object with more kindness to ourselves.”

Salzberg’s wisdom gave me a newfound hope about starting a sitting meditation practice. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to “do it right” that I was forgetting to give myself the space to explore something new as a beginner, which ultimately seemed like a great way to learn how to love myself in a gentler, kinder way. So, I embarked on this meditation challenge with a different mindset than ever before: I probably won’t be doing it perfectly for a while, and that is perfectly OK.

See also This One Simple Practice Will Change How You Feel About Yourself

The Loving-Kindness Sequence

The loving-kindness meditation sequence focuses on yourself first, and then you move down the list to different people within a category. You do not have to complete the sequence during every meditation session; sometimes you can sit with the feeling of one person throughout your entire practice or, as Salzberg recommended for me, break the sequence into four weeks to allow the love and compassion of the practice to slowly take hold.

Yourself The sequence begins with offering the phrases to yourself. Salzberg explains that it is often easiest to offer love to yourself first before you can offer love to others. She says that if this is difficult because of harmful self-talk, you can skip this portion until you feel ready. Personally, I found this section to be my favorite because it felt where I most needed the work. Sometimes I would only get through this section of the meditation before my session was up.

The Benefactor The second portion of the sequence goes to a benefactor. Salzberg asked me to think of someone or something that I identified as the definition of love. This doesn’t have to be a human or anyone in particular. She mentioned I could even think about my dog. I thought of my mom during this section, because I find her love to be unconditional and unwavering. 

A Friend  The third person is a friend, or someone you are fond of. Honestly, I skipped over this section in the sequence. As the weeks went on, I was eager to focus my attention on other types of people that I was having difficulty with. 

A Neutral Person The fourth person is a neutral person, such as a grocery store clerk you see often. She instructed me to think of someone who I hold no strong feeling about, neither positive or negative. I thought of my mailman—and now smile every time I see him dropping off the mail at my house. 

A Difficult Person  The fifth person is someone you find difficult. Salzberg advised that I shouldn’t think of my mortal enemy during this phase, but rather someone who I might have a minor disagreement with or get a little irritated by when we hang out. I initially thought it would be difficult for me to find a person for this section. But when the time came, I found it easy based on the stress I was experiencing at work. 

All Beings  The final portion of the loving-kindness sequence focuses on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met.

See also A Simple Yin Meditation to Let Go of Your Inner Control Freak (and Why It Works)

Yoga Journal Editor, Samantha Trueheart, shares how her loving-kindness meditation went throughout the course of a month. 

My Experience With Loving-Kindness Meditation

I decided to start off small and only practice 15-minutes of meditation every night. Although Salzberg alluded that a morning meditation has more benefits, she also said, “the best time is when you’ll actually get it done.” I took that advice to heart and decided my morning routine was less organized than the one I do before bed, which would result in me making more excuses not to meditate.

My first week of meditation felt great: I focused on offering the mantra to myself and to my benefactor. Salzberg told me that the proof of success in this practice is when it shows through in real life. Within that first week, I noticed I began speaking to myself in a kinder way, eating healthier, feeling less reactive to work emails, and managing my stress with calmer tactics.

Sometimes random memories or repressed, shameful moments from my past would surface during my practice. Memories of my anxious pre-teen days surfaced, or how I might not have been as loving as I would have liked in interactions with family and friends. I tried to focus on the offering of love, to forgive myself, and to let go of the memory as a reminder that it no longer served me in the present moment.

When I offered the mantra to my mother, I noticed more feelings of sleepiness. That didn’t surprise me, because her voice used to soothe me to sleep. I didn’t always repeat the mantra throughout the full 15 minutes. Sometimes I just sat in these cozy, sleepy, safe feelings.

The second week of my meditation is when Yoga Journal’s January issue hit newsstands, and my practice took a new form. My digital job became even more stressful than usual as I fielded many negative social media posts about our decision to split the cover between Jessamyn Stanley and Maty Ezraty. I felt hurt as I read countless negative comments, and found myself filled with shame that we had failed our readers.

Then, I took those emotions and applied them to my loving-kindness practice.

I offered the mantra first to myself, then to those we hurt, then to the people spewing hatred toward us on social media, and finally to all Yoga Journal readers. Sometimes it was hard to get through the whole meditation because of sadness or anger. However, this meditation helped me feel compassion toward the people I felt were picking fights just for the sake of fighting. I realized that we’re all working through pain, and realized that ultimately, the naysayers just want to be loved and accepted—just like I do, too. 

As the weeks went on, it was as if I was marinating in loving-kindness meditation. I found myself saying the mantra during times of high stress at work or in my personal life. I even recited the mantra to myself when I was traveling and my airplane landing felt a little too bumpy for my own comfort.

The loving-kindness meditation was a way for me to slow down and understand my feelings before I reacted. Instead of yelling and acting out in anger at my neighbor’s loud party, I did the meditation and found myself letting go of the feeling of control, accepting the situation, and understanding that they weren’t being loud as a malicious act toward me.

On the last day of my 31-day meditation challenge, I realized I may never get to the point where meditation is an easy thing for me, and that my longing for deep, lasting peace will be a life-long journey. I told myself that it was OK to be right where I’m at today, and learned that the practice is really all about finding a way to love myself anyway. 

[timdjohnson131-blog]

Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition

Hey friend, want to have a heart to heart?

The most important part of Vintage Revivals, surprisingly isnt the Merc, or my post on how to paint furniture. It's my Real Life Story. It's been a while since I've updated it and while I wasn't initially intending this post to be part of it, I feel like it needs to be. Cause struggling and being human is way easier when someone else says “Hey girl, me too.”

I dont know what your last year has been like, but if I had a word for 2018 it would be STRESS. Like that, in all caps, screaming in your face. Over the last few years I've felt it compounding, but this last year it was overwhelming. I found myself paralyzed in anxiety, brimming with anger, and disconnected, jealous, and negative. (Which is very unlike my rose colored glasses way of living.) I had a few irrational outbursts, I had stress induced psoriasis patches all over my body, I very intensely thought about driving my car into a wall one night.

The crazy and most frustrating part is that I tried everything that I could think of to find relief. Hormone therapy, actual therapy, change in diet, sticking to a schedule, meditation, exercise, podcasts, books, if it was suggested to me I tried it. And nothing made it better. Every time I cut my hair my sisters were worried I was going to buzz it Britney circa 2007 style.

Have you ever been in a place like this? Where you've pulled your boot straps up so high that you're wearing them like suspenders and yet, you are still there, in the garbage? GAH! It is the worst feeling like you're letting everything and everyone around you down. Man, if you have my heart goes out to you. Maybe we should start a suspenders club?

For me, I've learned, is that it wasnt about the circumstances that were going on (maybe we'll talk about those soon). What really was happening is that sometime along the way I shifted my spirituality into neutral. Spoiler alert! It seems to be when you put something in neutral, it eventually coasts to a stop and that is what happened. I had stalled out.

For those that don't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My faith is what has rescued me from the seemingly unreachable darkness. Understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power that it has to bring grace and purpose to my life changed everything. After experiencing all of the miracles that we have over the years, you would think that I would be set on the right path and have all of the energy in the world to endure whatever ups and downs life throws at me, but man it just is not that way.  I was still going to church, Court and I are still missionaries for the 12 Step Program, and still doing the “things” but trying to restart some spiritual momentum out of sheer self loathing is just not the way that it works.

In October I went to a hypnotherapy session that changed everything. It was probably the most sacred and spiritual experience that I've ever had. I can't share all of it, but during the session, I had this huge weight of darkness descend on me. As I focused on it I could feel it, like a thick black mist, intertwining itself around every part of my body. My therapist had me project the feeling outside of my body and asked me what shape it took on. It was like I was staring at a mirror image of myself, but instead of skin and clothing it was a faceless shadow of tumbling black smoke staring back at me.

As I faced it, those familiar feelings of dread, stress, hatred, anger, jealousy, self-will, pride, resentments, and sadness intensified and the smoke grew larger and larger until it was no longer the shape of me, but just a huge swirling black mass of despair. My therapist had me directly ask why it was there, and with a laugh and an energy that I recognized as Satan it replied “because you allow me to be”.

That son of a #&*%$

Slowly, almost undetectably I had let all of these garbage thoughts and feelings take seed in my life and they grew  and grew and grew until I found myself in this horrible place. Never has the term enemy of my soul meant more to me.

I dont know if you know this, but when I started my blog I had never DIYed a thing in my life. I had very little confidence in anything, especially myself, and what little I did have was sucked into the dark hole of Court's addiction. I was an absolute shell of a person. When I stumbled one day upon the world of DIY blogs, it changed everything! These wonderful, relatable, awesome women shared their knowledge with me and made me feel like I could do something scary. It unlocked a talent that had been completely undiscovered and quite literally altered the course of my life.

A few months into the blog I knew that I needed to share our struggle with addiction. At that point Court had only been sober for a few months, but he was so different than any other time he had been clean, that I didn't hesitate to believe that this time really was different. From the moment of being willing to be vulnerable things changed for me. I learned who I was, and how God speaks to me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the reason that I had this gift was to bring people to the blog so that I could share with them hope, and confidence, and happiness. Maybe in a thrifted dresser, maybe in a relationship, maybe in God. But always that change is real and everything can be made better. That purpose unlocked my heart.

But over the years, that perspective shifted. If you ask me point blank, that is still the answer you'll get, but in my heart it changed. It became about me, not about you. I dont know if the content really changed all that much, but the energy and reason behind it did. I would be interested to know for those long time readers, if you'd noticed.

So for the last little while, I've focused on finding my Savior and my peace and my perspective again. It has become my number one priority. It never ceases to amaze me that He is always there. ALWAYS! Even when I turn away from him, even when I struggle and try to do things on my own and make a mess out of the path that he set my life on, he is still there! Through this journey I've dedicated more time to going to the temple and reading the Book of Mormon. I've cut out everything in my life that doesn't fill me with hope and happiness (I'm looking at you Netflix) and my heart has been changed.

One of my favorite quotes by President Benson says “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.” It's quite miraculous how that happens. I feel like I know what my Heavenly Father wants from me and as I am willing to trust him and move forward in faith that he will work the miracle for me to become whatever he intends.

And as for the enemy of my soul, whenever I am feeling frustrated or defeated I read from the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 4:18-35

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

So what does all of this mean!? Hahaha man I have no idea. But I do know that Vintage Revivals always going to be about projects and paint and trips to Home Depot. But if I'm creating that content with love, awareness, and perspective-I believe that it can create a deeper connection and that is what the whole point behind all of this is. To know that none of us are alone in our bad bathroom tile, or in our imperfect lives.

If you've made it this far you get 10 Vintage Revivals points and a huge heartfelt thank youuuuu! Thank you for letting me share about where I've been cause man, what a lonely and crappy place that is. And thank you for letting me figure this whole thing out. You are wonderful!!

If you would like to learn more about the LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings, you can get more info for meetings in your area here.

If you're interested in receiving a free copy of the Book of Mormon, I would love to send you one! Shoot me an email at mandi@vintagerevivals.com!

Love your guts guys!!

    The post Real Life Story Update 2018 Edition appeared first on Vintage Revivals.