#I think I’m happiest thinking of myself as just a completely neutral person

[danphil]

hhhhhhhhaaaaaaa

[celestialevie]

Sunshine // Charlie Weasley x Healer! reader

(Not my GIF, credit goes to the creator) Genre: fluff with tiny bit of angst words: 1.7k warnings: cursing, like one sentence of smut (so 16+ please), kissing, idiots being oblivious about their feelings, mentions of second degree burn, mentions of broken ankles etc. Summary: Being in love with your childhood best friend is never easy, no matter how much love there is. A/N: This is gender-neutral fic don't mind the gif also, please keep in mind English is not my first language. If there are any mistakes, please let me know. And also thank you so much again for the 100 followers!! Hope you enjoy the fic

Working at your dream job with your childhood best friend has been the absolute dream. Even though you just started working at the sanctuary recently, you’re already loving it. And how could you not when Charlie Weasley has been nothing but supportive and making sure you’re comfortable with everything. Until very recently, you’ve been working at St. Mungo’s since your apprenticeship ended, when Charlie told you that people at the sanctuary are looking for another healer to work in case something happens with the wizards working there. While it did break your heart to leave your two other best friends, Tonks and Penny, you couldn’t pass up on the opportunity to be even closer to Charlie. Everyone around you two knew your feelings for each other, while the two of you kept being oblivious to each other's feelings, not wanting to ruin your friendship. Doing this job wasn’t that hard, healing a few burns here and there, twisted ankles etc. Charlie would find excuses to go and see you, even if it wasn’t actually anything wrong with him. You’ve known Charlie since the first year of Hogwarts, when you ran into him on the train. And honestly, seeing him then, you should’ve known you would’ve caught feelings for him. Red hair and blue eyes, freckles all over his face. Who can blame you? Your thoughts have been interrupted when you heard a knock on your office door. ‘’ Come in! ‘’ you yelled as Charlie opened the door. ‘’ Hi sunshine ‘’ he smiled at you. ‘’ Should’ve known it was you. Are you injured, or did you just come to bother me? ‘’ You ask him with a smile on your face.’’ Actually injured. Baby dragon decided to give me attitude by breathing fire on my hand. ‘’ he approaches you and places himself on a bed meant for patients. Taking his hand in yours, you see the very much visible burn marks on his hand. ‘’ It’s only a second degree burn, thankfully, nothing a little of burn-healing paste can’t cure. I’ll apply it and then wrap it up so that it doesn’t accidentally budge or wipe off. In no matter of time, your hand will be as good as knew and ready for another baby dragon or maybe even mother dragon to burn it again. But please don’t actually get burnt again on that hand if possible or anywhere. Molly would throw a fit if she knew how much of your scars and injuries I heal. ‘’ You say as you grab the burn-healing paste and apply it to his hand and finish it off with wrapping a bandage around his hand. Gently tapping his cheek, he sighs and gets up. ‘’ Thank you sunshine, you’re my saviour. ‘’ he exaggerates while kissing your cheek, and he’s on his way out of your office. What you didn’t know is while healing and inspecting his wound, he finally decided he’ll act up on his feelings. But for that, he’ll need help from one person who’s been helping him ignore his feelings for you. Going back to his place, he quickly wrote a note and sent his owl to that person letting them know to come over to his place asap. A couple of hours have passed before he heard knocking on his door. Opening his door, he saw that they were wearing the same outfit they usually did when they were meeting up. ‘’ Sorry it took me a while to come over, I was at work. ‘’ Charlie gulped and let them in. ‘’ It’s no problem, let’s get this over with and honestly this will probably be the last time we meet up like this, Anna… I decided to stop being a coward and acknowledge my feeling for y/n and do something about them. ‘’ he smiled and at his words Anna’s lips stretched into a wide smile. ‘’ Charlie, that’s amazing! I’m happy for you, god, I wish I could do the same about my feelings for Peter. ‘’ her smile faded a bit and a frown replaced it. Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her passionately, leading her towards the couch and slowly lowering her down on it while not breaking the kiss. Pulling off the coat, he knew she had only underwear underneath it. Slowly kissing down her neck and gently biting into it, wanting to hear her moans, he knew he pulled out of her every time they meet up like this. Lowering himself and kissing down her chest, sucking on

her sweet skin he’s got so familiar with recently. As he took of her bra, and started sucking on her nipples, the door of his cabin opened, and he swears the time stopped for him when he heard y/n’s voice when they interrupted something. ‘’ Hey Charlie….oh I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt. Please continue, I’m going to go…’’ before he could even muster up a word, they apparated away somewhere. ‘’ FUCK! ‘’ He yelled as he got off of Anna and helped her get dressed. ‘’ Go find her, you idiot! Don’t just scream and shout! You should go find her and tell her everything. I’ll go home. ‘’ Anna yelled at him Giving Anna a small kiss on the cheek as an apology, he quickly tried to think of a place y/n could’ve gone to. The first thing he did was run to her house and started knocking on their door. When they didn’t answer the door, he went to their office. When he tried to enter it, the door was locked, so he knocked a couple of times before moving on to a different location. He remembered showing her a special spot by the lake, which he accidentally found when he first moved to Romania. Quickly imagining that place in his head, he apparated there, and that’s when he spotted them. Sitting by the lake and throwing small rocks at it. Taking a deep breath, he approached them.

‘’ Hey sunshine. ‘’ at the sound of his voice, they raised their head and looked behind them. ‘’ Charlie, hey…’’ clearing his throat, he slowly approached them. ‘’ Mind if I sit down next to you? Been looking around to find you. Just want to explain something to you and then after that I can leave you alone if that’s what you wish for. ‘’ they nodded their head and gently patted a spot next to them. Charlie sat down. ‘’ Can I just say before you start, I’m sorry for walking in your house without knocking or even letting you know I’ll stop by. Didn’t mean to interrupt you and Anna in your private business.’’ their voice was on the verge of breaking because god-damn did their heart break when they saw Charlie and Anna in the middle of whatever they were doing. ‘’ Oh god no sunshine, you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, it’s me who needs to apologize to you. I am so fucking sorry you saw that. But I need to explain that whole situation and for you to understand it I need you to listen to every word I say. Anna and I were nothing more than just fuck buddies. To just try and forget about all the pain in our hearts that we both felt. We never saw each other as more than occasional fuck buddies who were looking to feel something. Her heart is longing for someone else, and so does mine. Sunshine, I know that what you saw probably hurt you more than you’d like to admit to yourself and to me. God, I wish you didn’t see me and her, but….’’ he stops, taking your hands into his and looking into your eyes. My heart only longs and wishes for you, sunshine. God, I’ve never been more in love with someone more than I am in you. If you’re in love with me too or at least have some romantic feelings for me, it would make me the happiest man in the world. If you wish to stay only friends with me, I completely understand, I promise I won’t let my feelings for you ruin our friendship. You mean way too much to me for me to only ruin it because of some stupid feelings. You’re the most important person in my life. You can say what you wish to say now. ‘’ Charlie was preparing for the worse, but what he didn’t expect is for you to start crying. Noticing the panicking look in his eyes, you quickly reassure him. ‘’ No, no, don’t panic, these are the happy and frustrated tears. Penny and Tonks will be over the moon once I let them know they were right about the two of us all this time. ‘’ A small laugh escapes your lips. ‘’ I’ve been in love with you, Charlie, probably since the moment I first met you on the train. All these times I’ve told myself you only saw me as your best friend, how could you ever see me romantically. But I guess I was wrong. ‘’ you wipe away your tears as Charlie looks at you with so much love in his eyes. ‘’ Oh sunshine, I’ve never been happier to see someone laugh. ‘’ you pull him into a hug, never wanting to let him go. He pulls a little away only to press him lips onto yours. The kiss was never sweeter, wanting to keep kissing you for the rest of his life.

BONUS:

When both Penny and Tonks received a letter from you, they didn’t expect anything unusual. But what they received was the happiest news they’ve been wanting to hear since probably fifth year of Hogwarts. Charlie and you were officially together. Just like you expected, you received one big howler from them. ‘’ CHARLES WEASLEY AND Y/F/N L/N HOW DARE YOU ANNOUNCE THE NEWS WE’VE BEEN WANTING TO HEAR JUST CASUALLY IN THE LETTER. I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU TWO!! ‘’ Penny screamed, but Tonks was only laughing in the background. ‘’ As soon as we can, Penny and I will come over to the Romania and keep telling y/n ‘ I told you so ‘’ because I TOLD YOU SO YOU DUMB IDIOT! ‘’ Tonks yelled, and all you could do was laugh at Charlie’s shocked and kind of terrified face. Penny can be a bit scary when she wanted to be, and he definitely experienced Penny’s wrath back in Hogwarts. ‘’ Well, they seem to like the news. ‘’ you laughed as you pulled Charlie into a kiss.

[cocobittiebites]

need and want

Today is just a draft clearing day ig. Yeah I don’t know where I was going with this but I do know that no matter all odds I will choose the situation where I can get the most pain. In all honestly I really tried to make y/n gender neutral but there are some feminine things if you squint. Bit of OOC Hisoka tbh.

This was inspired VERY loosely by the 1 by Taylor Swift from her album folklore.

Hisoka x gn!reader

TW: cursing, toxic relationship, angst, hurt/no comfort, toxic!y/n, I’m a sucker for unrequited love so there you go, Hisoka is his own warning ig, mentions off passed abuse, mentioning of Hisoka’s and y/n’s childhood

Hisoka alway thought of you as his. Ever since you two were children, it was you two against the world. Even before he learned nen and was able to take down opponents far past his experience level, you empowered him during moments he now finds too trivial to remember.

In his collection of toys you were like a childhood stuffed animal that could never be parted with. As he watches you run around the room trying to scour through an old jewelry box for God-knows-what. He doesn’t seem to care and he doesn’t know why he’s even here. 

He knows, yet he won’t admit it. It's because you begged him to come and if anything is consistent in Hisoka’s life it's that he can’t really deny you anything. As much as it pains him to acknowledge, you really are the only friend he has. Sure he’s been spending a suspicious amount of time with Illumi Zoldykc, but it wasn't because of friendship.

And he doesn’t really need friendship anymore, it's not suited to him. However, you were suited to him and he could never part with such an interesting toy. 

Toy

Yeah, that's what he’ll keep saying to himself. He’ll scream it as loud as he can until it becomes true. 

“Hisoka Morow!” you yell, “Pay attention! Have you seen my veil?” 

His face contorts into an amused smirk as he points coyly to your veil sitting elegantly on the vanity. 

“It’s over there my love~” 

You roll your eyes at the nickname, “I won’t be your love after today,” you tease in good nature. A smile spread across your face showing a rare unbridled giddiness. “Damn who would’ve thought,” you stare at yourself in the mirror then turning back to your friend, “that I would ever get married.”

“Not me,” Hisoka responds almost unthinkingly. His mind hesitates, but he doesn’t show it. Though you’ve known him since the two of you were children the magician will always be a cipher that gets more complicated as you figure it out. 

“You may be happy now but think about it Y/N,” you turn to look at him, a dark expression marks his normal nonchalant demeanor, “in two years you’ll grow bored of him and you will have no choice but to run back to the only person you need.” 

It’s funny how only a few words can change the energy around you. All down to his aura you could feel that he was serious. 

Still as you’ve been friends with the magician since before either of you could remember, you knew how to deal with him. 

“Just because you get bored of people easily doesn’t mean I will.”

“Now really Y/N you know what I mean~” 

“No I don’t know what you mean!” you cried out, slamming your hand on the vanity, “Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I’m like you. I’m not as broken as you are-“

Lifting his eyebrow coyly he laughs out, “Broken? Is that how it is my dear~”

“Yes,” you’re standing tall now with unwavering bravado, thinking about how to make your next words really hurt, “As much as you pretend that you have moved on from such a trivial events, everything you do seems to be about him-“

His eyes darken and bloodlust oozes from where he is standing, long gone was the playful attitude of your friend. “You know nothi-“

“Oh yes I do,” you exclaim condescending. “I know that you crave violence because that’s the only physical contact he’s ever given you. That you want to dominate every opponent because no more will you ever feel weak to anyone.” 

“Truth is you are still that boy from across the street that needed my help. How long do you think you would’ve survived if I hadn’t saved you that day, after he beat you within an inch of your life. Hell you wouldn’t have learned nen if it wasn’t for me.

You may have needed me but I have never needed you. You are the one who doesn’t want me to get married because it shows that I’m not reliant on you. I may not have moved on completely from all the shit I’ve been through, but at least I put myself back together. Why would I ever need someone who is too weak to put themselves back together.”

It was in his silence that a wave of guilt washed over you. So profound that you felt both your hearts shatter and though you were in that room together, it was only your minds keeping you company. 

This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. 

He was supposed to prevent you from tying the knot, so he could maybe buy himself some time to finally confess to you. To tell you that through all the people he’s encountered he couldn’t help but compare them to you. Even Illumi Zoldyck wasn’t quite as amusing as you. 

Love

You were the closest thing to love for him

Even then, he should’ve accounted for your viperous tongue of yours. Once provoked, your words can sting as strong as the most potent poisons. 

You were wrong. You are like him. You are just as cruel and uncaring as he is, if not more. While for him it was towards everyone but you, you were kind to everyone but him. 

Casual cruelness disguised as honestly.

You were right in some regard, however. Hisoka wanted you. The thing about wanting though is that it made you weak. 

But still he quickly leaves your wedding, on what should be the happiest day of your life. Hisoka is not one to regret much, but as he leaves he thinks and ponders on the what if.

[night-rook]

Soulmate AU | Shinsou Hitoshi x Reader

                                                  ━━ 💜━━ Word Count: 4,389

Reader Type: Gender Neutral, Soulmate, 

Story Type: Soulmate AU, My Hero Academia, 

Beware:

Summary: Soulmates have cats that are a reflection of their human selves. The cat has the personality and physical traits of your soulmate. The cats are semi immortal until the you meet your soulmate. When you meet and/or accept your soulmate, the cat vanishes.

Key terms:

(Y/N) = Your name (L/N) = Your Last Name (H/C) = Hair Color (E/C) = Eye Color (F/C) = Favorite Color                                                   ━━ 💜━━ A pair of lilac eyes lazily starred as you got dressed for Yuuei. Letting out a silent yawn, the feline got up from their spot on the bed and walked up to you. They sensed you were nervous for the day, knowing fully well that you were overthinking the events. Their silk like fur brushed against your legs as you frustratedly tied your tie for the tenth time in five minutes. You looked away from your reflection and smiled down at the fluffy indigo cat. Kneeling down to their level, you ran a hair through their fur. They responded with a low raspy purr and leaned into your hand, closing their eyes as they tried to distract you from the mental bully that was your brain. They placed a paw on your wrist and buried their head into the palm of your hand. “I just hope I can prove myself. Everyone is gonna be all out and I should too, right?” You smiled as the feline placed a paw on your wrist and buried their head into the palm of your hand. You stood up and headed to the front door, only stopping to slip on your shoes. The fur ball chasing after you and stopping by your side to watch you put on your shoes. They crawled onto your lap and stopped you from continuing. Their lilac eyes stared at you for a solid minute before licking your nose with their tongue. You blinked at their small sign of affection before a smile broke across your face. “You better root for me, okay, Aster. You are going to see that your mate is the best hero!” You grinned down at the feline before heading out the door. Only to open the door once more to get another look at the lazy cat, you bowed and gave them a kiss on their head. “Thank you..” You walked out of your apartment and headed to the train station. Grabbing a small snack as you waited for the train, you looked around and only smiled at the crowds.                                                    ━━ 💜━━ Felines of all shapes and sizes were close to their humans. There are thin cats, big cats, soft cats, rough cats, ect! Their furs all different from each other while their colored eyes shined with the sun. Your world was special. Not only was there a chance to be a real life hero due to the unique ability called a “quirk”, the world had a unique system set for finding your one true partner. If you haven’t guessed it yet, the system has something to do with cats. The soulmate system has cat representatives to help you understand your destined partner. The feline has the same personality as their human counterpart so you could be able to identify your soulmate. The appearance of the cat reflects their human counterpart as well. If the human has dyed their hair, the cat’s fur will mimic them.  The soulmate cat is unlike the normal felines you would see. The uniqueness of the cat is not only the appearance and personality, but their life span. You see.. The soulmate cat is only able to live until you meet your soulmate. They are semi immortal, you could say they are demigods but that isn’t exactly it! Once you meet your soulmate, the cat will vanish from reality as it has completed their guide.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ You had been the happiest when your feline appeared during middle school after moving. Your cat is a british longhair. His fur is extremely fluffy and soft with a mysterious indigo coloring. His lilac eyes can be quite hypnotic as they lazily stare at things, especially when you go on bike rides. He enjoys going on your basket as you ride around the city to destress from classes and training. He was quite distant when he first appeared, keeping himself away from you at all costs. However, he warmed up to you over time. He sensed you were not threatening as you would approach him with caution when you would feed him or find him sleeping somewhere. Your heart fluttered when he curled up to you one late night in bed after a harsh day at school. This was a sign of acceptance due to the countless days he would stare at you with disinterest. You had an extremely hard time figuring out a name for him. His personality was just not suitable for any names you could come up with. He even hissed when you suggested a female name that meant “Lilac”. At the end of the day, you would refer to him as “Aster” which is a type of flower. The fluffy cat seemed to have enjoyed the name, so you were happy he was happy.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ The Sports Festival was in full swing! Everyone was gathering towards the stage as the classes were being called out. You were nervous as the announcements were being made. You clenched your fists tightly to prevent yourself from running away. “(L/N), what’s wrong.” someone placed a hand on your shoulder. Looking away from the angry looking blonde who walked off the stage, you came face to face with one of your classmates. His blue eyes reflected concern for a split second as he raised a brow in question. You could only nod your head while reaching up to rub your neck. “Yeah.. I just don’t know how I’m gonna do this.” you let out a shaky sigh and smiled at the blond boy. “You sure? I don’t want to lose against those 1-A simpletons with you slacking off due to silly stage fright. Honestly you can’t be a hero if you-” “Would you not bully the only person who gives you a snack during class!” Kendo punched Monome down before he could finish his sentence. She smiled empathy at you and patted your head, reassuring you that everything was going to be fine. You looked down at your hands before clenching them as a smile drew across your face. The first part of the festival is a race. Your quirk is just perfect! You could just manipulate the ground and go from there! Everyone waited for the starting call. You decided to hang back of the crowd and take deep breaths, closing your eyes for a moment. Collecting your thoughts, you hold out your hands and tense your muscles immediately at the sound of the starting gun.  “Do you folks feel that?! These beats are heavier than the club bass! What’s this?!” Present Mis commented as the stadium began to shake.  The earth below the stadium reacted to your movements. The first years were tuna fish in the small entrance way and you didn’t want to cram them in a hole. You widen your stance as the student body makes it difficult to focus on the soil weight. Gathering enough earth, you smiled widely before running up the man-made bridge you had made. Stepping onto it, you wasted no time to pull yourself upwards.  “If it isn't a class 1-B resident! (F/N) (L/N)! Her quirk, Terrakinesis. She has the ability to control any form of earth! No wonder we were shaking and rocking!” Present Mic laughed at his own joke but his mummy companion grunted in displeasure.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ You were in luck as the 1-A student froze the robot, the moment you joined the track. But the robot started to fall apart as Todoroki took to the lead. Acting quick, you formed a tunnel of your own to prevent the metal from landing on you and a few others. Unaware that the people you had saved were under the control of a quirk, you only acted as they seemed to be in a daze. Only thinking it was the overuse of their own quirks.  “How kind of you... To help an enemy out,” A smooth voice rang out within the tunnel. You looked behind you and tilted your head in question at the person who spoke. He was being held up by three people. Flashing you a lazily smirk, his lilac eyes seemed to glow in the dull setting. Your body felt weird staring at his eyes, the smirk causing a chill down your spine. Despite the shiver, he looked strangely familiar to you the longer you stared at him. You slapped your face before turning away to run out the tunnel, leaving the odd boy behind in confusion at your sudden action. His eyes looked like Aster’s! Holy shit this is intense! You mentally screamed while running down toward the next stage of the race. Coming to a complete stop, you looked at the ropes and the students struggled to cross them. You rubbed your face and started to focus on your next move. However, you start to hear mumbling right next to you. Turning your attention, you raised a brow at the fluffy green haired boy to your left. He seemed to be in his own world while talking about his ideas of crossing with the heavy metal plate in his arms “Hey. You need help crossing? You can tag with me and we can make it to the end faster!” You grinned before punching the air. The earth reacting to your movement swiftly, causing the green boy to jump in surprise. He seemed nervous but you only smiled more while continuing to build a crossing for the both of you. He smiled back as you had helped him cross over the jungle of ropes, making it easy for him since he had to carry the metal from tha robot. The both of you ran onto the next course while introducing yourself, putting a name to face. Midoriya filled you in on his plan as you both came across the minefield. “(L/N)-chan, can you help gather the mines to this spot? If we get enough, I use the plate as a guard so we can use the explosion as a boost!” You stared at the borroli boy wearily as his plan seemed to be risky since you were dealing with bombs. Exhaling a shaky breath, you nodded and started to pull the furthest mines towards you and Midoriya while he dug the closest one. While you both focused on the bomb gathering, the eerie feeling of eyes ran through your spine. The chill comes back as it causes goosebumps across your skin. “That should be enough. You ready, (L/N)-chan?” Ignoring the eerie feeling, you nodded and hopped onto Midoriya’s back while he placed the metal shield in front of him. He took a deep breath then jumped onto the pile of mines. The shock blast launched the two of you skyward and fast! You tighten your hold on the boy and close your eyes. As you were closing in on the angry blond and cold dual haired boy, Midoriya started to panic at the lack of mines. “(L/N)-chan! Help!”  Opening your eyes, you reached a hand out and forced the soil to gather mines right as Midoriya salmed the metal plate down. A second blast was made and sent you two flying forward. You both slid across the dirt trail and quickly got up to continue running towards the finish line. Midoriya took the lead with you being close behind. This is it! Aster, I hope you saw me wherever you are! You grinned as you entered through the tunnel but the enthusiasm didn’t last long. The air chilled around you as you took a step forward. The chill traveled up from your foot and crawled up to your thigh. Shivering from the sudden ice attack, you were stuck in place and forced to watch Todoroki and Bakugou rush by you. You tried to take deep breaths but the panic began to set instead. Desperation settled into your mind as you tried to break the ice on your leg. The cold solid causes pain to course through you with each impact your fist made. Your (E/C) eyes started to water up from both distress and agony reflected over them. Multiple students started to pass you while you tried to escape the ice. “Well looks like we meet again, stranger,”a deep chuckle came from behind you. “Seems to me you’re in a bit of a pickle.” If it wasn’t for the ice, your body would automatically feel the burning from his empty eyes. You turned your attention to the boy and took a good look at him. His hair was messy and flaring up in all directions, but it looked silky. You noticed his half lidded eyes are lilac with white pupils, almost hypnotic if you could say anything. But the bags under his eyes stood out against his pale complex. If you had to give him an aesthetic, he gave off a mad scientist vibe except he looked cute.. Kinda like Aster. Your eyes widen at the thought of your british longhair who might be staring out a window or laying on your pillow back at your apartment. You were distracted on comparing your soulmate cat that you didn’t notice the boy gave a command to someone else. The release from the cold brought you back to reality. Blinking you looked at the student that broke the ice and was about to thank them but they seemed to be in daze. “Consider us equal for the tunnel. I wouldn’t want to miss a chance at seeing you lose.” He chuckled once more before walking towards the finish line. Giving you a smug smirk as he passed by you. Not wasting your chance you went after him, both of you placing a spot onto the next event.                                                    ━━ 💜━━ You sighed heavily and fell to the ground. Falling face first onto the cement of the stage, you grunted from frustration and pain. You rolled onto your back and listened to Midnight give the next announcement for the event. Your body was aching due to the coldness radiation from your leg. A figure walked over to you afterwards as everyone who passed looked for partners. You recognized the neat blond hair as a smile sketched across his face. “So you actually made it! Good, you can join my team, (L/N). I can set aside the little tag team you did with the one million kid bu-” “I rather not, Neito. I’ll just be a pillar for you to copy.." you rubbed your arm nervously as his blue eyes burned through your skull. "At least we will be able to win with you on the team. You could break the ground and-" "Actually, (L/N) is going to be on my team.” The new voice broke the two apart as the purple boy made another appearance by your side. His smug smirk ever so present on his face while staring down at Neito. You blinked and looked at both males with confusion, unaware that the purple boy’s hand on your shoulder. Monoma only glared before turning away to look for someone else. Leaving you with the mysterious boy. Snapping out of your confusion, you looked at the rather tall boy and pouted a bit. “You know my name? I don’t remember telling you..” The boy raised a brow at you before his attitude shifted slightly at the way you pouted. Rubbing the back of his neck, he debuted with himself before returning to being reserved. His eyes seemed to shine an eerie shade of indigo while looking at you. Your own (e/c) pupils shook as his eyes were astonishingly identical to Aster.  “I just have a staggering sense of hearing. Besides, your quirk is powerful and it would be playing backseat to that blond,”He stared right at you. “Why not join me. You won’t be backseating with me.” “You seem-”  A velvety wave overtook your body at the response you gave. Your body shutting down as darkness coated your conscience while all sense of control was taken. The last thing your saw was the flash of concern in his violet eyes before your vision vanished.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ “In third place, Tetsute- WAIT WHAT?! It’s Team Shinsou!” Present Mic questionably  announced. “When did you come from behind?” You blink and looked in all directions. Furrowing your brows, you looked at your supposed teammates. You recognised Shoda immediately but not the tail boy. Your mind trying to comprehend what was going on despite the crowd's cheers for the remaining sixteen students. Feeling a wet sensation burning your eyes, you rubbed your eyes and grew more confused at the wetness from the sudden tears. “Wait- How did- What’s going on?” You ask as you get directed to walk away from the stadium for the short break. You sighed and smiled at the man as he handed you a candy apple. Taking a spot under a shady tree, you sat down and silently ate the sweet treat. Your troubling mind trying to recollect everything but it was coming up empty. Your brain tried and tried and tried to remember but it just couldn’t! Coming up with nothing, your frustration built up within you. Tears build up in your eyes, some spilling and trailing down your cheek. You spent years training with your mom when your quirk first appeared. She was so happy that you inherited her earth ability and even enrolled you in martial art classes to help control it. All your hard work paid off when you got accepted to Yuuei!  A low purr breaks the dark cloud around you. Opening your eyes, that you didn’t realize you had closed, a silky coat of purple fur rubbed against your cheek. The soft texture wiped away the tears that blurred your vision as the purring rang around you. “How did you get here, Aster...” Your voice is quiet and creaking from resisting breaking down. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here.. I really did try.” The feline pulled away and looked up at your redden face, his violet orbs shining with worry at you. You sniffed slightly before smiling at the cat, petting him for ressures. He immediately leaned into your touch and continued to purr. The low rumble comforts you.  The feline tilted his head at you and leaned to lick the tip of your nose. He climbed up into your arms after the announcement to gather was made. You only smiled down at the purple cat and carried him with you. You walked into the stadium to await the next event, however you were still unsettled with the results.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ The next and final event of a one on one battle. The sixteen participants were going to fight one another and the winner got to advance to the next round. However, the tail boy from earlier soon asked if he could drop out from the event. His pride had been hit due to the same reason you were frustrated over. Shoda followed shortly next after Midnight approved the request. You looked down at the floor. Aster resting on your shoulders and purring to keep you calm as you gave one last try in remembering. “Are there any more who wish to drop.” Midnight spoke as her violet eyes scanned the crowd. Raising a hand, you looked up at the female teacher, “I want to drop out of the event.” Midnight looked down at you and smiled at you. She could tell the inner confect you were going through from the firmness of your words and noticed the soulmate cat on your shoulders. She saw how curled his body was around you, knowing easily that you had been deep in thought.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ You sat at the stands with the rest of your class. Your classmates noticed the purple feline on your shoulder. The females all called him cute and tried to pet him, but Aster hissed at them even getting close to him. “Sorry guys. He’s not a big fan-” You stopped as the weight on your shoulder disappeared. Aster had jumped off your shoulders and onto the railing. His violet eyes intensely stared at the boy who walked onto the arena. You stared at the cat and followed at the direction he was focused at. At the sight of hair alone, you shot up from your seat and gripped tightly onto the railing Aster sat on. That boy. That boy who helped you on the race! He was your soulmate... You took a glance at the feline next to you and heard the low rumble as clear as day. Looking back at the fight between Midoriya and Shinso. Your heart began to race at the scene.  His words echoed with anger. His posture went from indifferent due to nearly winning to disheartening the moment Midoriya broke the trance. You saw the irrational movements and the desperation as he shoved back. Aster's lilac eyes reflected the despair that the purple boy had when Midoriya won. You reached towards the feline and held him close to you as the crowd cheered. "Take me to him.. Shinso Hitoshi." You whispered to the soulmate guide. The name sparked the instincts the feline had. His fur seemed to have fuzz up before jumping from your arms. The small creature ran out the Class 1-B stands without a moment wasted. Smiling, you chased right after him.

Your rushing steps echoed through the empty hallways as you followed the running purple fur ball. Your soulmate was just on the other side!                                                   ━━ 💜━━

"Oh, kitten. Why did you come here?" Shinso lifted the (c/f) cat as they had waited for him at the entrance. He remembered keeping the feline in their carrier before the start of the competition. Even asking his teacher to look after them in case of any problems. To say the feline isn’t spoilt is an understatement. Shinso had bought the (f/c) carrier after his soulmate cat appeared, not wanting to go a day without them. Especially through the hell that was rumors about his quirk. They were his support. He always seeked them out when he got home after a troubling day. Cuddling them close to him and forgetting all about the day. Their gentle purring music to his ears and giving him a moment of bliss.  He had a feeling that today was going to be a stressful time and he was correct. Kitten must have escaped the carrier and found their way to the stage entrance. They knew he was in distress and came to him. They immediately started to purr softly at him and nuzzle their small head against his cheek as they brought him back to reality. The light sound eased his aching heart. They were trying to comfort him after a crushing defeat from the crazed broccoli haired boy.  Shinso smiled at their comforting affection. He ran his hand through their smooth fur coat as he walked to watch the rest of the matches. The shining (h/c) fur reminds him of the earth student from the race and calvay fight. He chuckled to himself at the odd possibility that (L/N) from class 1-B being his soulmate cat’s human self. "I only hope you don't think I'm pathetic. I tried to win so you wouldn't think your soulmate with a villain quirk was.. was just that.." he spoke to them while they purred against his chest. "Your support is all I have left." As he walked towards the stands, his feline head shot up and their purring came to a stop. Jumping out from his arms, the feline ran in the other direction. The boy stared at the fleeing cat before realizing what was going on. His soulmate was here! They were in the stadium and looking for him! Shinso clenched his fists before following the feline.                                                   ━━ 💜━━ Both students ran from opposite ends, closing in on one another. Their soulmate guides led the chase for them to meet. Their fur coats glow as the distance lessens, both their heart beats increasing as they drew near. The chase soon comes to an end as the felines meet, curling up against each other. The purring from both cats grew in sound. Your (e/c) eyes glued on them as the warmth radiates from their small bodies. Both of you trying to catch your breaths after running what felt like two hundred miles. You were the first to recover and straighten up. Looking up, you focused your attention to the boy who had brainwashed you. Shinso looked up at you. His eyes confused as to why you, the girl who he used, would seek him out. Sure you just discovered your destined partner but you had to be rational enough to know. He had used you to win! His own soulmate was a victim to his quirk that he tried to prove wasn't villainous. His heart ached at the thought. Too ashamed of himself to face you, He looked away from you. Your support was all he had left, but he ruined it. He ruined his chance!  Clenching his fists over his heart, he closed his eyes and waited for the harsh rejected. "I'm sorry.. I didn't know. If I had known then- you could have- I'm sorry." He tried to apologize, but his voice betrayed him as it broke his words. However, you turned his head back by placing a hand on his cheek. Your smile never fell as your thumb rubbed his pale skin. "Don't worry about it.. You were amazing out there and that quirk of yours.. Yuuei didn't know the gem that hid in general studies until now." Reaching down, you gently and carefully hold his hand. You bring his hand up and cup it between both your hands before giving his knuckles a light kiss. His eyes staring at you curiously at the warm affection you were displaying.  "I'm (F/N) (L/N). It's nice to finally meet you, Soulmate." You smiled at him. He let out a quiet chuckle before smiling back at you, “I’m glad to meet you too.. I’m Hitoshi Shinso.” Both felines starred up at their human counterparts before looking at one another. Leaning close to each other, the guides’ bodies slowly fade away. Their eyes looking up at the two students once more before vanishing completely.                                                    ━━ 💜━━

[comedyborderlinenonbinary]

BPD- When I go quiet

If you have been reading. Then you know, I've been away for few weeks.

I actually have a lot of shit in my head that I need to "let go"... if ever possible.

I'm older than you think. over 30. Still, I was diagnosed with BPD last year. only last year. I am on the waiting list to get mental help (for awhile now). Ever since diagnosed, I've been researching, reading and watching videos about the illness and people who live with it.

I can only imagine what it would be like to actually have help... how would it be like? how can therapy save me from myself? and most importantly. Would I ever be "normal" enough to experience a healthy relationship? would I ever be loved?-- trust me, the fear of dying alone and forgotten is very real.

I have days that I wake up having a lot things to do. I feel useful. I love getting involved with a lot of projects- to make myself feel included and with an aim, a goal... Sadly, it only takes one small thing to go wrong to completely loss all motivation, give up everything and decided it's time to die.

I know how it sounds. How a "small thing" can take you from A to Z in hours? well.... I overthink everything! one thing led to another and I went from: "we'll have a second chance at our next meeting" to: "this is the reason. the world is never going to change. I feel like a box my employers saw as an opportunity to get ticked. A token. I'm a nobody and I have to accept my role in this society, a pathetic loser."

I convince myself I will never be good enough: to fight for my community human rights, to keep applying for higher job roles, despite all the rejections, to have a family. I'm not worth it enough to steal anyone's heart . Her heart. I'm not worth it enough to have anyone remembering my name after I'm gone. I should simply not exist.

It is always the same thing, now I'm aware of it. I'm just too tired to carry on trying.

Everything new I start, I'm the happiest, the most positive and passioned human being. Then something doesn't go according to plan and then I'm done... Last Sunday (today is Friday), I sent an email to my project managers, I quit pretty much every single inclusion project I had... I'm a fraud! I'm not a leader, I'm not clever and clearly, I was unable to get diversity toilets (gender neutral toilets) at my work place. I failed to make my voice heard when I complained how I feel not being able to hangup to customers when they discriminate/ made fun or any other situation I had been put through. Now I'm paranoid and doubt every single person that comes my way, especially if they are white.

I cry every day, several times a day and for no apparent reason. Last Tuesday or Monday (honest cannot remember), I took one too many pills and ended up in hospital. At this point it feels very natural and organic visiting the hospital under those circumstances. Like, I was half gone while the doctor was talking to me, all I remember saying to her: "ok, ok, can I go home now?" then put my clothes on and left, another doctor followed me- I shouted at him and left.

I cannot explain it, but I really want to die. I honestly feel, I got nothing to do here. It might sound like an exaggeration, but it's true. I mean, main reason I'm writing this: I'm a burden to my friends and anyone who meet me and dares to get to know me (I know it is like that, imagine having a friend who is always doubting, sad and only wants to talk about depressing shit), when I call the helplines- if they answer, 50 minutes later they start asking me to call back again if I need to keep talking or advise me to go to sleep. I feel I have nobody to talk to... and love, damn it! I like a lot of women and I hit on all of them and they all say "I have a partner". I have to delete their number because I'm dying to find an excuse and text/call her? but she doesn't want to be with me anyways.... Just another (quite powerful, have to admit) reason to not be in this world anymore.

I was told I won't learn to control it, but how to live with it (BPD).

If that's the case, I could have stayed with the ex who abused me. I was definitely used to her and in a sick way, but I wasn't alone and we were still kissing and fucking. I would have never be able to control the situation, but I knew how to live with her.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this... I miss her, I want to be with her, I want her family to see me as a member and I want to be the one to remind her how beautiful she is every morning. I don't know who "she" is. I'm scared of living with only the production of my imagination and never really get to know her. But right now, imagining what it would be like, it's kind of what keeps me going... I'm not able to meet anyone new and the people I know, think that I'm a creative weirdo- still bad... and my "real" family, you know the one by blood- they are as far as they can be from me and my heart; almost wish I had forgotten their names, but cannot deny my roots. So, I still have it to remind me of them.

I'll leave it for now.

hopefully in future entry, it would be less chaotic and even positive... don't know.

[upsidedowninmyworld]

All of them? :$

I can’t sleep. Why not

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? The height I am now

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) Hmm...Gizmo

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Anything comfortable really

4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Sonic

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: My partner, my future, and what it all holds

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Very quiet, slow to anger but proceed with caution

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? 🤷🏻‍♀️

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] uhh when I took this test in high school, I was melancholic

9: Are you ticklish? Yes

10: Are you allergic to anything? Loads

11: What’s your sexuality? Bisexual

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? Cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person? Cat

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Hmm vampire

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? I did

16: How tall are you? 5’2”

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? I like mine

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] too much for me to be comfortable

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? Yes

20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Uhh I like both equally

21: Are you religious? Kind of

22: Pet peeves? When people touch my stuff without asking. Bad breath

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation? Not sure

25: Favorite star? Not sure

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? No?

27: Any phobias or fears? Not saying

28: Do you think global warming is real? Yes

29: Do you believe in reincarnation? Not really

30: Favorite movie? Forrest Gump

31: Do you get scared easily? No lol

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 5?

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] what?

34: What is a color that calms you? Blue

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Australia, London

36: Where were you born? LA

37: What is your eye color? Brown

38: Introvert or extrovert? Intro

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? No lol

40: Hugs or kisses? Kisses

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? Cody

42: Who is someone you love deeply? Cody

43: Any piercings you want? Second ear piercings

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yes

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? Before

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! He’s pretty great. Been with them for almost 4 years :)

47: What is a sound you really hate? A certain person’s voice

48: A sound you really love? The ocean

49: Can you do a backflip? Not anymore

50: Can you do the splits? If I stretch, yes

51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Natalie Dorner and Ed skrein atm

52: Favorite movie? I already answers this

53: How are you feeling right now? Tired

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? Half white half Black

55: When did you feel happiest? I think it’s been a while

56: Something that calms you down? Writing or drawing

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] nothing diagnosed

58: What does your URL mean? My world is odd

59: What three words describe you the most? Quiet, contemplative weird

60: Do you believe in evolution? Yes

61: What makes you unfollow a blog? Posting things I don’t like

62: What makes you follow a blog? Posting things I like

63: Favorite kind of person: a genuinely nice person that is honest

64: Favorite animal(s): pandas, otters

65: Name three of your favorite blogs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

66: Favorite emoticon: 😻

67: Favorite meme: I have too many

68: What is your MBTI personality type? I can’t remember

69: What is your star sign? Uhhh Pisces...?

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? Yes

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? A black shirt and jeans with converse

72: Post a selfie or two? No thank you

73: Do you have platform shoes? I do!

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? I can bend my thumb all the way to my arm

75: Can you do a front flip? Not anymore

76: Do you like birds? Sure

77: Do you like to swim? Love it

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming for sure

79: Something you wish didn’t exist: not saying

80: Some thing you wish did exist: someone that is no longer here

81: Piercings you have? Just my ears for now

82: Something you really enjoy doing: reading

83: Favorite person to talk to: Cody

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? I like this site

85: How many followers do you have? Uhh I haven’t looked in a while

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? I use. To lol

87: Do your socks always match? Yes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Yes

89: What are your birthstones? Aquamarine

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? Panda or a cat

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? A rose

92: A store you hate? Hmmm not sure

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? I don’t

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Read minds

95: Do you like to wear camo? On occasion

96: Winter or summer? Winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for? About 30-45 seconds

98: Least favorite person? HAHA

99: Someone you look up to: my dad

100: A store you love? Any bookstore lol

101: Favorite type of shoes. Converse

102: Where do you live? In LA

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? I don’t have one?

105: Do you drink milk? Yes

106: Do you like bugs? No

107: Do you like spiders? Yes

108: Something you get paranoid about? The future

109: Can you draw: kind of

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? How sex was with a person I slept with or how I could stand sleeping next to ex because he snores really loudly. Like freight train loud

111: A question you hate being asked? Who’s the smarter or prettier twin. I usually get that I’m smarter

112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Yes

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? I do

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: codes

116: Favorite cloud type: what

117: What color do you wish the sky was? Purple

118: Do you have freckles? No

119: Favorite thing about a person: clean hands

120: Fruits or vegetables? Fruits

121: Something you want to do right now: see someone

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods? Sour

124: Bright or dim lights? Bright

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Sure

126: Something you hate about Tumblr: 🤷🏻‍♀️

127: Something you love about Tumblr: 🤷🏻‍♀️

128: What do you think about the least? Work

129: What would you want written on your tombstone? 🤷🏻‍♀️

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? HA

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? My mind

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Yes

133: Computer or TV? Computer

134: Do you like roller coasters? Yes

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? It depends

136: Are your ears lobed or attached? Attached

137: Do you believe in karma? Sure

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? Like an 8 on a good day

139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Quite a few

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? Yes

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Both

144: What makes you angry. A lot

145: How many languages do you speak fluently? One

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? I’m bi soooo

147: Are you androgynous? No

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: my butt lol

149: Favorite thing about your personality: my ability to see the good in everyone even when they’re shitty. Also my least favorite thing about myself

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. Well my dad, Cody, my grandma

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? The one rn because I am a minority

152: Do you like BuzzFeed? Sure

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] uhh dating app. Technically a football game.

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? No

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Just codys

156: What embarrasses you? Not a lot

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: the future because I can’t really talk about it with anyone without stressing people out. But it helps me feel less anxious so I’m kind of stuck

158: Biggest lie you have ever told: oof

159: How many people are you following? 🤷🏻‍♀️

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 🤷🏻‍♀️

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?🤷🏻‍♀️

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?🤷🏻‍♀️

163: Last time you cried and why: ooh like a few days ago

164: Do you have long or short hair? Short

165: Longest your hair has ever been: to my butt

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? I don’t want to answer this

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Yes

168: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? No

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yes

[cherryrogers]

bittersweet {2}

pairing: boxer!bucky x rogers!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of illness + death.

synopsis: The world of boxing wasn’t something you knew much about, but after a certain boxer with blue eyes and an irresistible charm wove his way into your heart, you soon learned that it went far deeper than red gloves and gold medals — you thought that the boxer happening to be your brother’s best friend was bad enough, but darker affairs had only yet to come to light.

a/n: this one is a long one folks,,, i just couldn’t help myself :)) also the italics at the start are a flashback, just in case anyone was confused - please enjoy !!

Series Masterlist

Three months.

It’d been three months since Sarah Rogers passed.

You hadn’t even noticed the date as you plodded downstairs, making your way into the kitchen and praying that your brother hadn’t eaten the last of the bread, eager to make yourself some toast for breakfast.

Steve had left early in the morning, heading off to his first training session at the local boxing gym. You offered to go with him, just for some moral support, but he insisted that you spent the morning in bed rather than sitting in a cold training room.

So, you spent the morning wrapped in a fluffy blanket, basking in the darkness of your bedroom. Tired eyes begging to flutter shut. A sad mind not allowing them to do so. The moment that you let exhaustion subdue you, all you could dream about was her. Laying weakly in the hospital bed, a thin, faded blue duvet hiding the equally thin legs she’d barely used for months. Her brows furrowed slightly in discomfort, lips chapped, bony fingers weakly clasped in her lap. You wanted to reach out to her, take her cold hand in yours and tell her she’d be okay. But the moment your fingertips were about to graze her skin, she’d disappear. Everything would disappear, and you’d be left completely alone.

It hurt less to just avoid sleep all together.

After finding the bag of bread, which had three slices left inside of it, you absentmindedly checked the expiration date on the small tag around the twisted plastic. Grocery shopping was something you and Steve were slowly getting better at doing without your mom around, but that didn’t mean expired, untouched food wasn’t still hiding in your kitchen.

The neutral expression on your face saddened quickly, eyeing the date of expiration written in bold, black letters.

OCTOBER 15TH.

You’d heard the phrase before, that time was only a construct. An age-old system to keep humanity in order. Sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, twenty four hours in a day... You understood the math, but there was a lot of things about time that you didn’t understand. Like how months could pass in the blink of an eye, yet the hours within them felt like years. How you had spent almost eighteen years being raised by someone you loved so dearly, eighteen years of smiles and laughs and always having a shoulder to cry on, yet the three months you’d been without it all felt like an agonising eternity. How could the science of time explain that?

Suddenly, you’d lost your appetite.

Plopping yourself on a stool, you leaned your elbows against the hard marble countertop, letting your chin rest lazily in your palms. And again, time had lost its structure. For what you thought had been thirty seconds, your eyes stared aimlessly into space, not having anything particular on your mind. You wouldn’t allow yourself to wallow in sorrow. To let a frown sit on your lips for more than a moment. That was what would happen if you thought about her, so you didn’t.

The click of the front door unlocking brought you from your empty trance. Soon enough, your brother was in view, looking at you with curiosity. Dark circles were still evident under his eyes, not as bad as they used to be, however. For the first time in a while, his body didn’t look tensed up. The crease between his normally crinkled brows wasn’t so noticeable, and shade of his irises were... well, they were blue.

Not dark blue, or blueish grey, but a bright, sky-blue. Just like they used to be.

“How long have you been sitting there?” The boy asked, placing his gym bag on the counter.

You glanced up at the clock. Thirty minutes. Not thirty seconds, but thirty minutes you’d been perched on the stool, eyes fixed on nothing.

“Not long.” You responded, forcing the corner of your lips to curl into an unconvincing smile.

Steve only nodded, fiddling with his fingers subconsciously. “You know what day it is, kid?”

Your fake smile faded quickly as you lowered your gaze. “Yeah. It sorta still hasn’t, you know... set in yet. That she’s gone.”

“I know,” The blond rounded the counter, placing himself on the stool next to you. In the corner of your eye, you noticed the slight frown on his face. “You’ve just gotta give it time.”

Time. You weren’t sure what time meant to you anymore.

Sighing, you turned your head to the side, still not looking at him directly, but allowing yourself to see him better. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For ruining your mood. You look sad; you didn’t look sad when you walked in here.”

“You haven’t made me sad, (Y/N). It just... it’s a hard day. But we’ll get through it together, alright?”

“Alright,” You agreed quietly, feeling better when you saw a soft smile reappear on his lips. “How was it, then? Your first training session?”

Steve’s smile widened, appreciating your interest in the morning he’d had. “Good. Really good, actually. Made a friend, in fact.”

You quirked a brow in response. “Really? Didn’t know you were capable of doing that, Steve.”

“You know, for a moment, I thought you were being nice to me.” He playfully glared at you, unable to pretend to stay mad when you giggled quietly.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist,” You nudged your knee against his. “You know I love you really.”

“Hm, love you too, kid.” Although his tone had a hint of sarcasm in it, you could tell by his eyes that his words were genuine.

“Anyway, carry on. Tell me about your friend.”

“Well, his name is Bucky-”

“Bucky? Never heard of anyone called Bucky before.”

“It’s a nickname - his real name’s James.”

“Oh, right. I guess Bucky’s a cooler name than James.”

“Great; now that’s established, will you let me talk?”

There was a different aura to Steve that day. Sure, like he said, it was a sad day. Except, it wasn’t like the sad days you’d had over the past three months. The boy wasn’t stuck in his pyjamas, living off black coffee and giving you a half-assed conversation like you’d reluctantly gotten used to. He was... your brother. The brother that you hadn’t truly talked to for a while. The brother that you needed then more than ever.

Maybe it was because of that new friend of his.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Go on, Stevie. What’s Bucky like then?”

* * *

“Steve?”

The blond’s head shot up at the sound of his name, raising a brow at you from across the kitchen counter. Elbows pressed against the marble, chin being held up by your palms. You began to feel a little déjà vu in your current position, fragments of a not-so-distant memory piecing together in your mind.

That was two years ago. Two years since your brother finally stopped pushing you away. Two years since you got your Steve back. You wondered if he even knew how important that day was to you.

“I was wondering...” You started, nervously tapping your shoe against the counter. “Could I come with you to the match tomorrow?”

You’d been putting the question off all week, worried that a slight waver in your tone or a glimmer in your eyes would give everything away. There was even a moment where you considered just not going. Maybe you were getting in over your head - going on a date with Bucky. It was only meant to be a one-off. One makeout. One bit of fun with the hot boxer at the gym.

However, he wasn’t just the hot boxer at the gym. He was Bucky Barnes. The person that other than you, Steve trusted with his life. Steve was a good man with good judgement. If Bucky wasn’t a genuine guy at heart, there was no way Steve would think so much of him. Perhaps the boxer wasn’t going to be just a one-off, perhaps he could be more than that. More than just your brother’s best friend.

All you knew was that the way he made you feel, was pretty amazing. If you felt like that all the time, you sure as hell would be the happiest woman alive. You wanted to feel like that again, and you weren’t sure that there were many guys who could do that for you, not the way that he did.

“You wanna go to Bucky’s match?”

“Well, I know how much boxing and Bucky mean to you - I think it’d be cool for me to get an insight into this side of your life.” You weren’t actually lying; Steve had always kept the boxing part of his life separate from you. He knew fighting could get brutal sometimes, and he dreaded every time you’d have to see him with a black eye and bruises scattering his skin.

Steve didn’t fight as often as Bucky did, but he liked the competition every once in a while. He always went to his best friend’s matches, though.

The blond nodded, retrieving a fork from the utensil drawer and placing it into the bowl of noodles he’d made for you. “Okay, sure. I’ll pick you up at six.”

“Okay.” You quietly sighed in relief as the bowl was placed in front you, and you quickly lifted some noodles into your mouth to hide the wide smile threatening to overcome your face.

The boy moved over to the sink, delving his hands into the soapy water and beginning to wash some dishes. A breathy laugh left his lips. “I just can’t believe you hadn’t met him until Monday. College must be keepin’ you busy.”

“Believe me, it is,” You slurped a noodle into your mouth, causing your brother to scrunch up his nose at you. After moving out and starting college, it was hard enough for you to hang out with Steve, nevermind meet any of his friends. “He seemed nice.”

Nice. It sure was nice when his hands were sliding under your skirt-

“Nice?” Steve snorted, making your knit your brows together in confusion.

“Yeah? Why’s that funny?”

“I mean, he’s not an asshole. Must’ve cleaned up his act since he knew he was talkin’ to my sister. Last time I tried to interrupt his training, he almost knocked my teeth out,” He chuckled at the memory. “He’s only nice when he wants something - usually if he’s tryin’ to chat up a girl.”

Restraining yourself from choking on your noodles, you tried to muster out a nonchalant reply. “You think he was chatting me up?”

“Kid, if I thought he was gonna try something with you, his match tomorrow would be the least of his worries.” Oh. “But he told me he’s takin’ a girl out after the match, so I don’t think that there’s anything to worry about.”

Shit. He told Steve he was going on a date? Was he trying to expose the both of you? Maybe he wasn’t as paranoid as you were about the whole ordeal, but you were confident that your paranoia was perfectly justified.

All in all, for the moment, everything was fine. You were going to the match, and you were going on a date with Bucky - Steve wasn’t suspicious. Everything was fine, and everything would be fine.

Hopefully, you could say the same after Friday.

* * *

There was a reason you tended not to hang out with Steve and Peggy.

Not that you didn’t like Peggy, as she was one of the kindest women you’d ever met, and she was perfect for your brother. However, trailing behind them like a lost puppy as you were guided through the gym wasn’t exactly ideal.

You’d never been to the main room before where the proper boxing ring was. It was a lot larger than you’d imagined, and the dimmed lights made it hard to actually, well, see anything.

Steve turned around, taking your forearm and pointing you over to a row of seats closest to the ring. “We’re gonna go find Bucky before the match starts, you wanna sit down?”

“You’re leaving me alone? Why can’t I come with you?” You asked, the numerous amount of strangers surrounding the room making you nervous.

“Someone has to make sure no one takes our seats, kid,” He shrugged, patting your shoulder gently. “We won’t be long.”

Before you could even begin to object, the couple walked away from you, weaving between bodies and eventually leaving your sight.

“Asshole.” You muttered to yourself, crossing your arms over your chest.

Sighing, you quickly paced over to the seats and plopped yourself down on the one furthest to the left, the cold plastic causing goosebumps on your bare thighs. You’d worn your best skirt that night, one that made you practically exert confidence. You were ready for the match to start, ready for it to finish, and super ready for your date with Bucky.

Well, that was if he won.

The thought alone of seeing him again in his boxing attire caused a blush to coat your cheeks - a white undershirt, grey shorts, sweaty, glowing skin, his biceps flexing as he threw a punch, back muscles tensed... fuck. If the night ended without you being able to kiss him again, you’d be pretty disappointed.

While in your daze, another figure took a seat next to you before giving your shoulder a nudge. The contact made you jump a little, but after turning to face whoever just invaded your personal space, you couldn’t help but let out a confused laugh.

Peter Quill had made himself comfortable next to you, hugging a box of popcorn against his stomach as he sent you cocky smile. Oh, lord.

You’d met the guy at a party in your freshman year of college, and you might’ve made out with him for a little while at said party. Easily the dumbest drunken idea you’d had, since the boy never left you alone after that night. However, you liked Peter. He was good company, sometimes. When he wasn’t making stupid jokes and generally be annoying, you were sort of glad you’d locked lips with him that night.

Not that you’d ever do it again. The thought alone made you grimace.

“Peter?” You raised a brow at him. “What’re you doing here?”

“I’m here to watch the match, obviously,” He replied in a ‘duh’ tone, causing you to glare at him. He extended the box of popcorn out to you, waving it in front of your face. “You want some?”

“I’m good, thanks,” You pushed it away, turning your body to face him better. “I didn’t know you were interested in boxing.”

The boy chuckled, flicking his fringe out of his face. “Well, I actually do a bit of boxing myself. I train here on the weekends.”

“Seriously?”

“Uh huh. How d’you think I got as ripped as I am, (Y/N)?”

“Clearly not by your diet,” You nodded your head towards the large box in his hands, causing him to mumble something about Fridays ‘being a cheat day’. “So, do you know my brother?”

“Your brother?” He questioned. “Who’s your broth-”

“Quill,” God, dammit. “You have five seconds to stop talking to my sister before I drag you outta that seat myself.”

A groan fell from your lips, looking up to see Steve with his eyes narrowed at the boy next to you.

“Steve, it’s alright. We go to college together.” You assured him, seeing Peter’s puzzled expression in the corner of your eye.

“Wait... you’re Steve Rogers’ sister?” His eyes darted between you and your brother before shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “Well, I’ll be damned. Never knew you were a Rogers, (Y/N).”

“It’s been longer than five seconds...”

“Alright, alright, I’ll leave.” Peter huffed, getting up from next to you and beginning to walk away. You mouthed an apology to him, feeling bad that your brother had scared him away, just like you were sixteen and back in high school.

Steve only sighed contently, sitting down where Peter previously was and motioning for Peggy to sit on the other side of him.

“You know, there was no need to do that.” You uttered, jutting out your bottom lip at Steve, who scoffed at your annoyed expression.

“You can do better than Quill, kid. Trust me.”

“Oh my god, I’ve been friends with him for almost a year. He’s harmless,” You elbowed him lightly, lowering your head and smirking as you mumbled your next words. “Joke’s on you, though; I already made out with him last year.”

Steve had a harsher glare on you than he had on Peter. “Are you serious right now?”

“Uh huh, and I’ll do it again if it irritates you that much.”

“(Y/N), I swear-”

“Shut it, the both of you,” Peggy warned, instantly making you and your brother zip your lips. If there was one thing you admired about Peggy, it was that she never took anyone’s shit, including yours and Steve’s childish squabbles. “The match is about to start.”

After sharing a mutual ‘I’m still annoyed with you but I’m sorry’ look with your brother, you both laid your eyes on the ring, which now had a bulky man standing in its centre. His voice in the microphone bounced off the walls of the room, and hearing him introduce Bucky to the ring sent a shiver down your spine.

Cheers and whistles erupted in the crowd, which you didn’t even realise was so large until you took a moment to analyse the filled seats as much as you could in the faded light. Steve shouted out a supportive ‘you’ve got this, Buck’ from next to you, and your heart skipped a little as your eyes landed on the boxer.

Those fire truck red gloves covered his hands again, squishing slightly as he punched them together while he psyched himself up. This time, however, his top half wasn’t hidden behind a piece of clothing, and dear god, that man had definitely been carved by the Lord himself.

The referee was introducing the opposing boxer, but you weren’t remotely focused on what he was saying as your eyes travelled the surface of Bucky’s torso, deciding that you never wanted to see him in a shirt again. Ever.

Eventually, you flicked your gaze up to his face, and heat pooled in your cheeks as you saw him looking right back at you, blue eyes twinkling under to harsh lights above the ring. A smirk played on his lips, probably having noticed you practically drooling over him. Before he was handed his mouth guard, Bucky sent you a wink, and you were incredibly grateful that your brother was too busy whispering in his girlfriend’s ear to notice - disgusted, but grateful.

The other boxer had a scowl on his face, glaring hardly at Bucky as they both got into position, ready to fight. Anticipation arised in your body, hoping that the following forty minutes would consist of Bucky kicking ass so that he could get you out of the club soon after.

And well? Your wish was happily granted.

You had to reapply your lip-gloss quickly towards the end of the match since you were constantly biting on your bottom lip as you watched Bucky in his element. Sure, he took a few hits here and there. But by the end of the match, you couldn’t shake the smile from your face as you watched Bucky raise his hands in victory, the crowd cheering even louder than at the beginning.

The sound of chatter filled the room as everyone started to get up from their seats, and as you pulled the strap of your small clutch over your shoulder, you felt a nudge on your upper arm.

“You want a ride home?” Steve asked, still noticeably annoyed from your last conversation, but there was a softness to his tone.

You shook your head as casually as possible. “Thanks, but I’m going out tonight. Nat’s gonna pick me up.”

Tell Natasha about the hot boxer you’d got yourself a date with, you noted to yourself, realising you hadn’t even mentioned him to your best friend yet because of the sheer paranoia that Steve might somehow hear it from her.

“Oh, alright,” He nodded. “Where you goin’?”

“Just a party.” You shrugged, earning yourself a sigh from your brother.

“Okay, well no alcohol, kid. It destroys your liver.”

Peggy backhanded his arm gently. “Steve, she’s not a child. Let her be.”

“Drinking age is twenty one, Peggy. The girl’s not drinking.”

“The girl has a name, you know,” You groaned, crossing your arms. “I won’t drink, alright? Now get outta here - Natasha will be here soon.”

Rolling his eyes, Steve took a step towards you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, squeezing you lightly. “Be careful, and text me when you’re home.”

“Will do, Stevie.”

* * *

“(Y/N)?”

A voice calling your name startled you as you turned around, clutching a hand to your chest. Breathing out in relief, you couldn’t help but curl your lips at the sight of Bucky. While he was no longer shirtless, the look he was styling now was one you’d also love to have him never change out of. Ever.

Bucky was freshly showered, making his hair look softer, and the beads of sweat that previously formed on his hairline had been cleansed away. The dark blue shirt he wore fitted perfectly on his figure, tucked neatly into a pair of black jeans, while a black quilted jacket sat on his shoulders, pulling the look together.

“James,” You greeted him, pushing yourself off the wall of the corridor. “Congratulations on your win.”

“Thanks, gorgeous,” He grinned, stepping towards you and putting a hand on the small of your back, guiding you through the doors of the gym out into the parking lot. “Would’ve been real disappointing if I lost.”

“Yeah, it would’ve,” You nodded, leaning into his arm as the cold air breezed past your skin. “Because I’ve been looking forward to this date, you know — are you gonna tell me what we’re doing?”

“Aw, how sweet.” He smirked, earning an eye roll from you. The boxer lead you over to his car, where he opened up the passenger door for you, allowing you to slide into the comfortable leather seat as he whipped around to the driver’s side.

“And to answer your question...” Bucky shuffled in his seat before starting up his car. “Well, have you ever been to the Fall Carnival?”

Memories of a time far, far back resurfaced in your mind. Crinkled leaves. Loud music. The sweet scent of pumpkin spice. “When Steve and I were kids, our mom used to take us every year. Even if it was pouring with rain, that woman would power through and take us there anyway - even when all the rides were closed, she’d take us just so we could each win one of those massive teddy bears on one of the stalls.”

You let out a laugh, fondly reminiscing on the tradition that had slipped your memory until now.

Bucky smiled empathetically, having knowing what happened to your mom after being Steve’s rock since he joined the boxing club. “Sounds like it was real fun.”

“It was,” You nodded, playing with the silver bracelet on your wrist absentmindedly. “As we got older, though, Steve and I would just go by ourselves. We thought she just didn’t want to parade around a carnival with two teenagers anymore, but... well, that’s when she started getting sick.”

God. This was meant to be your first date with Bucky, and you were already spilling your heart out to him. Not that you didn’t like talking about your mom, but you didn’t want to put a damper on the mood of your date.

“Steve talked about her a lot,” Bucky spoke up, causing your gaze to flick up to him. “Your mom... she sounded like a great woman. Wish I could’ve met her.”

“I think she would’ve liked you, Bucky.”

Bucky. You realised that you’d just referred to him by his nickname, but it just felt right in that moment. To Steve, the guy who brought him out of his funk and helped him become the man he is, was Bucky. Not James, but Bucky.

“So,” You chuckled, noticing the soft smile that had formed on Bucky’s lips at your words, but deciding to end the conversation about your mom on a positive note. “You gonna win me some stuffed animals tonight?”

And his signature smirk had crept its way back into his face. “Only if you win me some too. I’ve already had one win tonight, Rogers. S’only fair to balance it out.”

“Okay, fair enough.” You leaned back in the car seat as Bucky pulled the vehicle out of the parking space.

It didn’t take long to drive to the carnival, and the car ride was rather pleasant. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, but as you hummed along to the melodies playing from the radio and Bucky tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, conversation wasn’t really needed.

After arriving at the enterance of the carnival, Bucky enveloped your hand in his as you walked through the different rides and colorful stalls, eyeing the prizes at each one of them so you knew which games were worth playing. Shrill screams and hearty laughter rang all around you, coming from the families and young couples that seemed to be populating the area. The smell of pumpkin spice soon entered your nose, and it immediately brought a strong wave of nostalgia with it.

A light squeeze on your hand brought your attention back to Bucky, who was almost beaming down at you.

“So, I was thinking,” He started, pulling a curious expression onto your face. “Maybe we could engage in a little... friendly competition.”

You took your bottom lip between your teeth, a little confused, but intrigued. “And what does this competition entail, James?”

“We, are gonna go to every stall here and each play a round at the games. By the end, whoever can collect the most prizes for the other person wins.”

“Wins what, exactly?” You challenged.

“Anything they want,” The boxer smirked. “I’ll let you know when I win.”

With a scoff, you yanked your hand from his grasp and placed both of them on your hips, a confident expression plastered on your face. “Bold of you to assume that you’re gonna win.”

“Bold of you to assume I ever lose, (Y/N).”

“Alright, you’re on.” You smiled, turning your back to him as your eyes darted around the grand selection of games for you to play against Bucky. Skee-ball, the ring toss, whac-a-mole... all games you’d destroyed Steve at as a kid.

This was going to be fun.

And so, the competition began. Grasping onto Bucky’s hand, you proceeded to guide him all through the carnival, determined to make his boxing win the only win he got that night.

You started off on a bit of a winning streak, defeating Bucky at the balloon shooting game and other stalls that required patience and mental strategy. A smug grin sat on your lips as you passed the boxer a large, pink teddy bear with a white bow around its neck, which he took reluctantly. Confidence was surging through you at that point, however, it was soon about to be crushed as you got round to the physical games. Not that you weren’t considerably strong, but Bucky was a boxer. He was definitely at an unfair advantage.

By the time you got to the high-striker, the final game, you were tied. Bucky smiled fondly as you clutched the abnormally large hammer in your hands, eyes narrowed in focus, before you struck it down on the lever as hard as you could. The puck shot up to around the half way point, before falling back down with a clink. During Bucky’s turn, however, the guy hit the lever with a lot more force, causing the puck to spring up and trigger the bell at the top to ring, indicating his success.

Now it was his turn to smile cockily at you, handing you an enormous, soft stuffed penguin as you attempted to bite back a grin.

“What did I tell you, babydoll? I never lose.”

“Alright, James. You win,” You sighed, unable to stop your smile widening. The both of you must’ve looked ridiculous - at least ten stuffed animals, large and small, were tucked under each of your arms. The abundance of fluff and warmth was helpful in keeping the cold away from your body, but you needed to put the damn things down. “How about we put the stuffed animals in your car, and then you can tell me what you want your final prize of the night to be?”

The boxer nodded slowly, and the two of you took a stroll back to the car until you reached your destination, him being immodestly proud of his win against you. Bucky helped to take all of the stuffed animals out of your arms and did his best to fit them all in the trunk, along with the many you won for him.

After shutting the trunk, Bucky turned to you, lips curling up as his eyes swept over your face.

“Can I tell you somethin’, Rogers?”

You nodded, feeling your heart rate speed up a little from the question.

“Steve... he’s my best friend. You told me the other day that you didn’t like hidin’ stuff from him, and trust me, I don’t either. I was thinkin’ that this wasn’t such a good idea, takin’ you out.”

The boxer saw a glint of worry appear in your eyes at his words, and quickly reached forward to grab your hands in his.

“But, I’ve been trying to find a flaw in you, (Y/N). Anything that might be a sign we shouldn’t be doing this. And... and I can’t. Every time you told me somethin’ about yourself tonight, I only wanted to find out more about you. Not Steve’s younger sister, but you, (Y/N) - I wanna know you more.”

God, he looked so perfect under the moonlight. Baby blue’s trained only on you, soft lips parted slightly, a light stubble on his jaw that you wanted to trace your thumb across. A few small cuts and bruises on his face from the fight, barely beginning to heal, but not taking away any of his beauty in the slightest.

You wanted to know him too. Not just Steve’s best friend, but him, James Buchanan Barnes.

“I guess I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better, James,” You took a step forward, pressing your hands against his chest. “Is this your way of asking for a second date?”

“Maybe,” Bucky teased, snaking his arms around your waist. His eyes lowered to your glossy lips, subconsciously leaning towards you as he inhaled a nervous breath. “Is is alright if I...”

His voice trailed off when his lips began to brush against yours, and within a second, he was kissing you.

The kiss was different to your first. It wasn’t hungry, or fuelled by lust. But gentle, meaningful. Signifying the start of something you weren’t at all expecting, but eager and excited to pursue.

The moment was one of those moments, where time didn’t follow its usual rules. Because you swore that when your lips met his, time completely stopped. The world around had paused, and all that was left to play out was the intimate moment that you and Bucky were sharing.

Reluctantly, you pulled back, your nose just grazing his. Time proceeded to continue, the blaring music from the carnival able to be heard again, the coolness of the air hitting you once more.

“Your prize, Bucky,” You said quietly, drawing circles on his chest over the soft material of his shirt. “You still haven’t told me what you want for your win.”

Chuckling, the boxer simply tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “That’s okay, gorgeous. I think I just got my prize.”

Well, fuck. That one made your heart swell.

Your mind wandered back to Steve. Could there be any way he’d be fine with you and Bucky? Would there be any sort of outcome where he didn’t end up hating you?

The answers to those questions weren’t clear, but one thing was - you wanted to take your chances with Bucky Barnes, because when he kissed you, it suddenly wasn’t about your brother anymore. It didn’t matter if it was wrong, on your part or Bucky’s. All that mattered was that this was what you wanted.

And if Steve didn’t like that? Well, that was a bridge to cross when you got to it.

It was bittersweet, really. On one hand, your heart ached from lying to the blond you’d been through hell and back with. But on the other, your heart was positively melting at his best friend’s charm.

Bittersweet. Yes, that was the perfect word to describe it.

[kytea]

The True Nature of Deltarune

Deltarune Chapter 1 has been out for over a year now, and being the big UT/DR fan that I am, I’ve been slowly mulling over both games, reading many fan theories and putting together my own interpretation of what I believe the nature and goal of Deltarune will be. This will be a long one so grab some popcorn, put on your matpat hats and click to keep reading!

So what is Deltarune? Is it a sequel to Undertale? Is it a prequel? Is it an alternate universe? Is it the coming of age story of a bunch of teens? Is it a complex meta-narrative on the nature of video games?

The answer is yes to all of the above. And to begin delving into this we must first understand the creator of this game: Toby Fox.

I won’t toot Toby’s Fox’s horn too much, we all know how talented and hardworking he is, but he’s also very emotionally perceptive and empathic. His general disposition is reminiscent of avant-garde artists that push the boundaries of artistic creation in a medium.

Toby loves mysteries, and in the early version of Undertale there was an included file that disparaged hackers and went on to say that it’s difficult to add mysteries in games these days due to data miners and such.

Thankfully, this did not stop Toby from lovingly adding quite a few big mysteries to Undertale that have yet to be resolved. Knowing Toby and his strong desire to share his story, a story that according to him, kept him awake at night:

“For the past 3 years I've been waking up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep because I've been thinking about the scenes that happen in the game. Even though so many details are still hazy, I really want to show you the things I've been thinking about.That's really my only reason for making this game. If I don't show you what I'm thinking, I'll lose my mind.“

I don’t believe Toby will let these mysteries go unanswered, and it is here that we can begin to understand what Deltarune is about.

The Mystery of W.D. Gaster

Truly, the biggest mystery of Undertale is that of W.D. Gaster: former royal scientist, creator of the CORE and the Determination Extraction machine.

A player can go through the entirety of Undertale multiple times and never even hear word of Gaster’s existence. This is because all the events that pertain to him are hidden behind a value in the game’s files known as the “FUN value”. Outside of actually manipulating this file manually yourself, it is, to the average player, random. The FUN value can trigger multiple different events throughout the game, some of which include running into “Followers of Gaster” or even Gaster himself.

While the latter has nothing to say before he “boings” out of existence, the former Followers all tell an eerie tale of a scientist who fell into his own creation and was scattered across time and space.

But hold on. Time and space? Why does that sound familiar?

Ah yes, during the Sans battle he speaks about an “massive anomaly in the timespace continuum”.

And during this battle Sans says a lot of other cryptic things without context, for example, he laments not being able to “go back” somewhere. But where or when is he referring to?

He mentions how he and others were monitoring time-lines and their readings showed them stopping and starting, jumping left and right, and eventually ending. Who was he monitoring these readings with? This all seems incredibly scientific and sci-fi, I thought Sans was just a silly skeleton, is he some kind of time cop? (he does have a “badge” in his workshop) He also uses skeletal weapons known as “Gaster Blasters”.

What…? Gaster Blaster?

Okay, now we KNOW Sans DEFINITELY has some connection to this mysterious scientist W.D. Gaster, but what? Well, for starters W.D. Gaster is short for Wing Dings Gaster, a type of font that he also speaks in.

Who else is named after and speaks in specific font types? Sans and Papyrus of course!

Furthermore, in the concept sketches for Papyrus, Toby wrote and redacted parts of a message that says: “has a brother named comic sans and a [BLANK] named [BLANK]”.

Who is this mysterious redacted person and what is their relationship to Sans and Papyrus? The easy money is on a family member, and for sake of argument lets use the prediction most of the fandom has already concluded and accepted: that Sans and Papyrus have a father named Gaster.

So Sans and Papyrus have a long lost father that was a scientist. This explanation would begin to explain why Sans has a weapon named after him, and why he wanted to “go back” to some place or time, perhaps in an effort to save him from his fate.

There’s a hidden event in Undertale where if you reset after listening to Sans speak about LOVE and EXP in a pacifist route, and initiate the conversion a couple of times in a row, he’ll catch on by the expression your face that you’ve heard it before and will surmise that you’re a time traveller and give you secret code words to tell his past self.

This will lead to him giving you the key to his room which ends up just being a prank at first.

But then you find a key to the secret workshop/basement hidden behind his house.

Once you enter the workshop, you’ll find some blueprints written in symbols you can’t read (wing dings?) and a curtain covering a machine that doesn’t seem to be working, among other things.

Toby Fox tweeted a message regarding this machine a few days after Undertale’s release around the time people were figuring out FUN values and the secrets surrounding Sans and Gaster.

“You’ve all seen the happiest outcome. Neither of them could fix the machine, no matter how hard they tried. No one can.”

This tweet seems to imply that if the machine could be fixed that Undertale could have a happier outcome.

And this my friends, is the gateway to the nature of Deltarune.

Deltarune, according to Toby Fox, is a game for players that have completed Undertale. But what does it mean to complete Undertale, and I mean, TRULY complete it? Toby often expressed that he wasn’t happy with how people told others how to play the game, that it is best played completely blind. Having played Undertale blind myself, and having watched others do the same, the natural way the game is meant to progress is that first players will experience the Neutral Ending, followed by the Pacifist Ending, and Finally the Genocide ending. This is because the game cruelly plays against your expectations of how an RPG should work and this almost guarantees that you will kill at least one monster your first play through. As if the fact that the fight button is always the default position in battle isn’t enough, in the early parts of the game you are told that you may need to weaken a monster before you can spare them. This naturally brings to mind the systems of Pokémon, where you have the best chance to catch a Pokémon if it’s at low health. Well, if you try this during the Toriel fight, as most do, you’ll find that as soon as you get close to critical health, you’ll instantly kill her.

Poor goat mama..

Difficulty-wise, the neutral route is the most easy, because you can level up a little and gain more HP. The Pacifist route is a bit harder because your HP is lower, but with the experience you gain from the previous route, it should prove no problem. Finally the Genocide route is the most difficult because it takes a concerted effort that implies knowledge of the previous routes to kill every single monster.

So an ideal Deltarune player has knowledge of all three main routes of Undertale, and may have experienced or heard of Gaster.

Is this player you? If so, ask yourself, what would a “happier outcome” look like to you? And be honest. Many fans in the Undertale community have already answered this question in the form of fanworks. Some of the most common elements among them are as follows:



1) Frisk and all the monsters are free from the Underground and living on the surface with humans.

2) Asriel is revived.

3) Gaster is revived.

4 )Chara is revived.

The revival of Asriel, Chara, and Gaster are the undisputed holy grails in terms of happiest endings that the UT community dreams of and creates endless fan works to explore the possibilities. Toby knows this well.

Using a speech pattern attributed to Gaster, Toby teased the release of Deltarune Chapter 1

“I LOOK FORWARD TO CREATING A NEW FUTURE WITH YOU.” stands out quite a bit to me as the prospect of a “happier outcome” is already tied to Gaster and Sans, now a “new future” is connected.

And when Deltarune released, and fans had a chance to play it, they found:

1) All the monsters are free and living on the surface.

2) Asriel is alive and well and living his best life.

3) A voice with the same speech pattern as Gaster (based on Japanese text) brought you to this world and attempted to give your own vessel before…

4)…a voice with the same speech pattern as Chara (also based on Japanese text) discarded it.

Right off the bat Toby seems to have given fans what they wanted, a perfect future ending. But as you continue to play, you begin to realize that this may not be the world you dreamed of.

First, while all the monsters are living on the surface, they aren’t the same people from Undertale, for example: Undyne has never met Alphys, and the amalgamates that went to live with their families at the end of Undertale are deceased in this world. And while Asriel is alive, it’s not THE Asriel we were so determined to save in Undertale.

Gaster’s presence permeates Deltarune so thoroughly it would take awhile to point out every example, but it seems clear that he’s present in some form.

And Chara? You only need to see the ending cutscene of chapter 1 to know that they are around in a similar fashion as when they possess Frisk in the True Pacifist after a Genocide ending.

But their presence is also present in subtle ways. For example, if you attempt to play the piano in the hospital in Hometown and then speak to the receptionist, she comments that Kris’ playing isn’t the same as usual (Likely due to our control), but it seems that Chara may be good at piano. Interestingly, on the cover artwork for the official Undertale Piano Collection 2 book, Frisk can be seen holding a knife playing a key on a piano in the judgement hall filled with bones.

So for better or worse, what appears to be the original Chara and Gaster from Undertale are present in Deltarune, in some meta form or another. And maybe that’s the key: “Meta-characters”. After all, you yourself as a player are a “Meta-character”. You can ask the inhabitants of this new world questions that only someone with knowledge of a True Pacifist route would have, such as being able to ask Undyne about Alphys. Asking her this only makes sense if you yourself completed a True Pacifist route before playing Deltarune.

Ralsei, the lonely prince.

Toby being the trickster dog he is, he didn’t just give us 1 Asriel and call it a day, no he gave us 2.

Ralsei is quite clearly meant to be a version of Asriel because not only do they have similar or identical dialogues, but he was also was meant to look more like him before Toby decided to give him his Black Mage look.

There are even strong parallels obviously meant to create an emotional response and connect Ralsei to the feelings people had for Asriel in Undertale by giving the players the option to hug him.

Ralsei is quite the mystery on his own. And while he’s most certainly sweet and lovable, there’s undeniably some disconcerting things about him such as:

-Why does he know Kris and Susie’s names?

-Who did he learn the prophecy from? “Foretold by time and space” isn’t a good answer (or is it?).

-What did he say to Kris when the player SOUL wasn’t present in the prison?

-When he’s KO’d in battle, what does he become? Apparently he can still eat to regain HP when in this shrunken form.

Ralsei seemed to be under the impression that violence wasn’t needed in this world, but upon nearly being defeated by the King after mistakenly healing him, Ralsei says “This isn’t a world where kindness always wins, is it?”

The way he says this seems to imply he knows of other worlds and that they have different rules. Perhaps he comes from a world where someone being kind to everyone they met had great results?

There are definitely things that Ralsei is not telling us, whether this means he’s up to no good will remain to be seen, however, I would like to take this opportunity to make a prediction based on the previous understanding that the original Chara and Gaster are present in this new world in meta forms, and assert that Undertale Asriel, the final piece of the perfect ending puzzle is present in Deltarune in his own meta-character form of Ralsei. Perhaps the form he shrinks into when KO’d is one we know well...

There is that unused Flowey face...

Add glasses and a hat and...

but that’s just a game theory!

And I can't help but wonder about the dark heart on Ralsei's chest and this merchandise in the Deltarune section of fangamer that specifically features a quote from Undertale about the prophecy of Delta Rune (that turns out to be about Asriel in the TP ending, and Chara in the Genocide ending) "There is a prophecy. The Angel... The One Who Has Seen The Surface... They will return. And the underground will go empty."

It's also the Deltarune game logo

Because the merchandise is called Darkheart, it made me immediately think of the dark heart on Ralsei's chest, and having an Undertale quote about Asriel/Chara makes it all the more mysterious...

Regardless, in just the first chapter of Deltarune, the elements of the “happier outcome” connected to Sans’ machine are present. But how do they all connect? Well, let’s look at the other characters in Deltarune, starting with:

Lancer

Oh Baby Santa Claus, how we love you so. It’s hard to overlook how similar Lancer is to Sans. They’re both hilarious in their own way, both ride bikes, have similar color-schemes, both have a love for tomato-based products, and both have some scientific/engineering affinity (Sans and his workshop, Lancer and his “Lancer Industries”).

But that’s not all, the door to Sans’ room is identical to the warp doors found in the Dark World that Lancer hails from, and Sans’ warp ability also makes the same sound effect as these doors as well.

Lancer is a member of the FUN gang (remember the FUN value?), that, as far as we know currently, has 3 other members besides himself: Kris, Ralsei, and Susie (with the possibility of Noelle and others in the future).

Speaking of Susie, her name (or a version of it) popped up in Undertale prior to Deltarune’s release when the game was released on the Switch. By speaking to the Gaster Follower “Clamgirl”, you can learn of a girl named “Suzy”, that you will meet her soon, and that “in life’s grand scheme, she might be why you came here in the first place...”

Upon receiving this dialogue, checking the drawers in Sans workshop will reveal a card with a drawing of 3 people smiling and the words “don’t forget”.

“Don’t Forget” is the vocal theme of Deltarune sung by Laura Shigihara, and the melody from the ending verse,“Don’t forget, I’m with you in the dark.”, is leitmotifed throughout the entire Deltarune chapter 1 OST. The connections between Sans, the FUN gang, Gaster, and by extension Undertale and Deltarune are quite apparent. Perhaps the actions of the FUN gang in the Deltarune world will have an affect on the FUN value in Undertale.

Based on all the evidence we have now, I am going to make a bold prediction:

Lancer is literally a younger Sans.

That’s right, Toby Fox made Baby Sans before Disney and Sega made Baby Yoda and Baby Sonic.

Deltarune’s Dark World is the past from the perspective of Sans and Gaster (or a recreation of it). How Lancer becomes Sans will likely be a very large part of Deltarune’s narrative, and once he becomes Sans, he will exist as a separate meta entity that can traverse different worlds, even if versions of himself already exist in some form there (similar to Ralsei and Asriel).

We’ve seen that if characters are exposed to elements that make it clear they live in a video game world, whether this be Determination for humans and Flowey, a time-space accident for Gaster, or a strange man whispering to Jevil, these characters become something wholly different, more powerful, and begin to become more similar to players with the ability to SAVE, RESET, or use abilities that seem beyond the scope of the game (e.g. Photoshop Flowey, Jevil’s ability to speak, etc). Undertale and Deltarune are video games about video games.

So if it is to be believed that Gaster is Sans’ father, and that Lancer is a younger Sans, then it stands to logical reason that whoever Lancer’s father is, that they must be Gaster.

No, not the King, there is another. A “Lesser-dad”.

Yes, Rouxls Kaard.

“GOD DAMNIT”

Rouxls Kaard, or “Rules Card”, or if you rearrange his name “A Dark Soul Rx”, wait, Rx as in prescription? As in a doctor? Dark Soul as in Mr. Darkness Gaster himself? Too much of a stretch? Maybe. Although you can’t deny they have similar appearances.

If Rouxls Kaard is Gaster, and therefore the father of Sans and Papyrus, then he’s undeniably similar to one of his sons. Rouxls Kaard seems to be quite passionate about puzzles, (despite not having a natural predilection to them). I could see Papyrus gaining an affinity for puzzles by being raised by such an individual, they both have quite flamboyant personalities. And let’s not forget that there are also hints that Rouxls Kaard may be inclined to creating scientific devices such as the “Control Crowne” he uses to control K.Round.

Hmm, controlling other people… sounds familiar to what we the player are doing to Kris… and who was it that was initially going to give us control of a vessel before we lost said control to Chara’s intervention? Control seems to play a big part in Deltarune doesn’t it?

Also, isn’t his manner of speech is reminiscent of a silly ye olde knight. Wait, wasn’t there a Knight causing trouble in the Dark World? Hm.

So something is going to turn Lancer and Rouxls Kaard into Sans and Gaster, respectively.

Now remember the CORE that Gaster built? This one?

It turns geothermal energy into magical electricity via an unknown means with one of the byproducts being ozone, which is corrosive and could potentially make someone very melty. This is what it looks like on the inside.

Lots of blues of varying hues with white accents. Kinda reminds me of Rouxls Kaard and the other “card” people’s color schemes.

What a coincidence! Oh and apparently the layout of the CORE can be re-arranged or something:

"I work at the CORE. The inside is a maze made of swappable parts... That means we can shuffle the layout at will." - Hotland NPC

Almost sounds like a sliding puzzle…

Finally, Gaster is referred to as “The man who speaks in hands”, likely due to his Wing Dings font that contains a lot of hand symbols, however, it isn’t a stretch to also apply that epithet to Rouxls Kaard, after all, the Rules Card speaks in hands as well. Hands of cards.

Susie

Can’t forget Susie. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can say about how her role in all this will play yet. If we are to believe that the “Suzy” that Clamgirl references is Susie, then it’s clear that she’ll be key, perhaps as a catalyst for all the big changes some characters will need to undergo...

I will say that I think it’s interesting that toby specifically has a character in Hometown comment that humans are made of blood (and implying the monsters are not),

and Susie says:

“Everybody bleeds, right?”

From our understanding of monsters in Undertale, monsters don’t bleed, they turn to dust. But, maybe Darkners can bleed. If we believe Sans is a Darkner, it may explain this:

It could be ketchup. It could be a Darkner thing. Lancer does mention blood casually. But if only humans and Darkners bleed, then why would a monster like Susie say “everybody bleeds”?

So what is Deltarune you ask? I think it’s:

1) A story about Sans, Papyrus, and Gaster’s past and future. We get to experience their past in the Dark World, and speak with their future selves in the Light World. But these future versions of Sans and Papyrus may not be as far into the future as the Sans and Papyrus we meet in Undertale. Remember, Sans had an Ice-E’s crossword in Undertale? Ice-E’s-P’E’zza is a restaurant in Hometown. Papyrus may also be younger than he was in Undertale because Sans, an adult who runs a grocery store, thinks a teen like Kris should hang with his little brother, and it would be “weird” if he were there with them.

2) A story about post-Undertale Asriel, Chara, and Gaster. Asriel/Flowey maintains his new form as Ralsei thanks to the power of the Dark Fountain. He now lives in what is/was Sans’ childhood home. Whether he knows this or remembers the events of Undertale is unknown, but it is my belief that he holds a deep connection to the Asriel we all wished to save. Chara resides within Kris in a similar manner as they did at the ending of a UT True Pacifist Ending after surrendering the red SOUL to them in a Genocide ending. Does this mean that Kris’s body or “vessel” is Frisk? This seems to be heavily implied by Kris’ outfit taking on the same color scheme as Frisk’s UT shirt while in the Dark World.

3) A coming of age story for a bunch of teens. Kris, Susie, Ralsei, Noelle, Lancer, and all the friends that may join on their adventures are still people regardless of what grand meta narrative is at play involving the nature of their reality. They still need to go to school, fall in love, and worry about growing up and going to university. Noelle will undoubtedly play a large role with Toby’s tease of her as “Lost Girl”, and considering how attached most of the community has already gotten to these characters, it hurts my heart to think about what may befall them as they try their best to live their lives. Does this mean Deltarune’s world is doomed? I hope not... but those save file screens sure are creepypasta...

“IT WAS AS IF IT WAS NEVER THERE AT ALL.”

4) A story about video games and the control (or lack thereof) we have over them. It’s quite clear that we, the player controlling the red soul, is able to influence this new world based on knowledge from Undertale that should have no barring. For example, we can name “Onionsan” who has forgot their own name. One of the options is “Onion”, but why? Is it because we know their name is Onionsan in Undertale? How do we even know if that is actually what this version of them is really named?

Deltarune is so close to the perfect Undertale ending we wanted, but it’s just a little bit wrong. Would it hurt to force Undyne and Alphys to meet and fall in love? To get Toriel and Asgore back together? To make Bratty and Catty friends? If you were given the option in game to do it, would you do it? What if it made their lives worse…? I believe that the fact we are able to influence inhabitants of Deltarune with our Undertale knowledge may have some unforeseen consequences, and perhaps, be what begins this whole situation in the first place. (Paradoxes are the best time travel stories!)

Toby Fox said that Deltarune was the game he originally wanted to make, but whether it was too ambitious or time consuming, his idea evolved into Undertale. Now that he’s creating the game he always wanted to, I believe that he will connect everything we know about them together and resolve the mysteries, after all, Gaster has been waiting for this chance.

And maybe, with a little luck and determination, we can create a new future with a happier outcome. If I’ve learned anything from Undertale, it’s that you must hold on to your hopes and dreams, because dreams are the goal of “Determination.”

[moonlightflower21]

Killer ⛧

A/N: i hope you guys like this one :') this is complete angst so enjoy! <3

warning: this has mentions of shootings so please don't read if you don't like that.

Leonardo x reader

~my biggest mistake wasn’t falling in love, it was falling for someone that didn’t love me back. i guess i was desperate, i wanted the love you so frivolously gave to others for myself. but that’s life, you live and you learn. no matter how painful it is~

His brain was ricocheting against his skull, his eyes blindly looking around him to see...a glass cage. Around his body was a blanket, the one he shared with Y/N. A growl left his lips as he got up, feeling his blood drip from his temple and landing on his shoulder. But his anger was focused on something else...most specifically...someone.

"Y/N!" Leonardo yelled, his fists thumping against the wall. But no matter how much he tried, it wouldn't budge underneath his sheer strength. One final push and he grunted, slamming the wall with his hands. He was beginning to panic, the walls around him seem to close in on him.

'NO! You gotta breathe, remember what Master Splinter taught you'.

His eyes stung at the remembrance of his father, would he ever get to see them again? Would he ever get to see his daughter again? He squeezed his eyes closed, remembering her sweet innocent face. The day she was born was the happiest day of his life, Leo wanted a more traditional japanese name but you had suggested for something more modern, still incorporating the japanese culture. He had no issue, he agreed simply because the name had suited his little girl so well.

His thoughts were interrupted when he smelt the familiar scent of her perfume. His head shot up and she appeared, her smile pulled sweetly on her painted lips. You sat nonchalantly on a desk, eyes trained on the mutant turtle in front.

"Yes?" You asked, your tone of voice relatively calm despite the chaos growing in your mind. "What am I doing in here?" He growled, his patience wearing thin as the seconds dribbled by. He didn't want to believe this, his lover could be a murderer. But the signs were all there, what else did he need?

"I locked you in, how else would you listen to me?" You grinned, hopping off the table you were perched upon. He shook his head, turning around and pacing the small area he was given.

"You killed them, didn't you?" Leo spoke bluntly, looking straight at you. How was you so damn calm despite everything going on? How were you so relaxed when you locked him in a cage?

"You gotta speak up baby, I can't-"

"You killed them, didn't you?" He spoke louder, his words cutting through his heart like bullets. 'please say no, please say no'

You paused, saying nothing, but he got the answers he wanted. Shock on his face, confirmation on yours.

"Oh my gosh-" He murmured, his eyes begging to sting with tears. Now wasn't the time to become overwhelmed with emotion, but how could he stop the dam of tears threatening to break loose at any given moment?

"How could you Y/N?! How could you do that?? How could you kill them??" He ranted, his voice becoming higher with every word being said. He looked straight to you, his fists clenched by his side. "What about us? What about Hana?? Did we mean nothing to you? Or were we just pawns in your little twisted game?" He stepped close to the wall, his eyes penetrating your gaze. His head felt as though it would burst, so many thoughts rushing to his mind. How had he never seen this before? How could he never see this horrible side? How could you go against the very message he lived by?

You froze when he mentioned Hana, the feelings you tried to bury came to light. Hana, your sweet baby girl. You wished she had never been dragged into this mess, wishing she never grew up thinking what a mess her own mother was. What a terrible mother she was doomed to have. But you couldn't lose the upper hand here, you couldn't let him know that you were breaking apart at the seams too. So with your face pulled into a neutral expression, you spoke again.

"It was easy, they-" "just shut it!" His voice was menacing, disgusted at the person before him. This wasn't Y/N, the one he fell in love with. Your mouth clamped shut, taking a deep breath through your nostrils. "Fine, if you wish Leonardo" and you turned around, walking in the direction of the door.

"Nonono Y/N! Don't leave!!" He yelled after you but his plea fell on deaf ears as you slammed the door shut after. 

The second the door closed you broke down crying and cursing away. You pulled yourself into this horrible dark abyss with no way out, you had to suffer the consequences. No matter what.

His fist weakly leaned against the walls, he had to find a way out of here. And to so, he must follow whatever your game was. He wiped his tears, pushing out any distracting thoughts about his family, about his sweet daughter. He had to win you over somehow to escape.

🔪🔪🔪

"I brought you lunch" your voice rang out, entering the room. He sat up straight, turning around to see you re-enter again. In the short span of time you were gone, he had formed a plan. Granted, he didn't have much time and it wasn't the BEST of plans but he had to try, he had to get back home. With a deep sigh, he pulled his lips into a smile as he greeted you. "What's for lunch?" Leo asked, grinning down at you. For a brief second, he allowed himself to believe he was back at home with you. His smile was genuine and the fear and anxiety in his stomach was all vanished. You were smiling sweetly back, leaning in for a kiss...

"Just your favourite Leonardo" you chuckled, turning around. He snapped out of his trance, looking at you. His stomach still felt fuzzy when you said his name and he despised that. He hated the fact that you had so much of an effect to him despite what you had done. Looking to the side, he noticed there was a small window in which you handed the food to him by. But he wasn't hungry, he felt sick to his stomach.

"Yum.." he faked laughed setting the food down on the floor. He tried to look for the keys but they were attached to your waist and you were on the other side of this cage. How would he reach them?

"Y/N, can we talk?" He asked softly and you paused, turning around. "About?" You asked and he sighed looking down. "I-I know what you did, but we can try again in this relationship. Just me, you and Hana. Us three, we'll just run away" he came closer, his eyes looking at yours. You hesitantly took a step forward, eyebrows raised.

"How do I know you're telling the truth-" "You have my word" he held his palm out. "I promise you" he hated himself for saying that sentence. He never broke a promise before but it looks like he was starting tonight. Your eyes lit up, coming closer to him, knowing he always stuck to his word.

"Really?" You squealed happily and he laughed. "Yes" he laughed and out of pure happiness, you unlocked the door, coming to him quickly.

"I love you" you kissed his cheek and he hugged you one last time, it felt wrong to do that but he couldn't help himself. Taking one last scent of yours, he pushed you backwards, snatching the keys from your hands.

He locked you in, quickly locking the door behind him. "What are you doing??" You cried out, your small fists banging against the wall. An angry glare was etched on his face, as he threw the keys to the floor. His hand was over his heart gasping for air that never seemed to fill his lungs.

"I thought you loved me! You're a monster!" You seethed angrily, banging madly against the glass walls. He shook his head wildly, pushing himself away from the glass cage.

"Love you?? You're broken Y/N! I-I could never love you" his hand covered his mouth after that sentence, never thinking that sentence could ever be said out loud.

You gasped softly, never thinking you would ever hear that sentence. But it was true, you were broken in ways no one could ever fix. You were broken in ways, it would be impossible to place back together. A murmured response came from your parted lips, standing up and knocking over the objects in hot pursuit of something. Your eyes were watering, blurring your vision but not once did you stop.

"What are you doing?" He answered, taking a step backwards. His eyes narrowed watching you stumble over object's but you didn't take a break. You didn't answer, instead finally pausing your rummaging and a small cheer left your lips. Looking back to him, he gasped as his brain fit the pieces together. 'this wasn't happening'

"You couldn't love me, I'm a monster?" You chuckled bitterly, your mascara smeared down your cheeks and face. His eyes teared away from your face to look at the gun resting in your hands, a feeling of dread sinking in his stomach.

"No Y/N you need help, let me help you please-" Leo urged quickly, his tears beginning to drop rapidly as he tried to open the glass cage once more. Looking around for those keys, he hastily tried to open the door with his shaky hands.

"No, I don't want help! I don't need to be fixed!" You yelled, backing away to the wall. "Y/N, stop please!" He begged, trying to come closer. He threw open the door, wobbling forwards to try and reach you. But in your eyes, the look of regret and tiredness swirled in your orbs making his blood run cold.

"No! Just stop it. I-I thought you to be someone you weren't. The times I cried without you there. You were always so busy doing patrol, you never made time for me and Hana. I begged and cried for you, but you I guess that wasn't enough. So you were right, I'm broken. I'm not okay. I never was" you answered, your tears spilling over your eyes and down your neck while his heart dropped, his body trembling. "Wha-"

"But I'm at fault too. I couldn't be a proper mother to our daughter, a good enough wife for you...it doesn't matter now, I hope whoever you end up with, could love all of you and Hana. You both deserve that much. I will always love you, Leonardo. Please tell Hana I love her. So, so much" and with a final soft smile, you closed your eyes, allowing the final tear to spill down your cheeks and you pulled the trigger of the gun that rested against your temple, awaiting the darkness to envelope you.

"NO! Y/N!!" Leo screamed, his eyes closing hearing that bang of the gun go straight through him. No training in the world, no mediating, could have mentally prepared him for this. He opened his eyes slowly, everything happened in slow motion. And he wasn't able to control anything of it. Seeing his ex-wife body lay there, in the pool of her crimson sticky blood was something he'll never be able to erase from his memory. And he hated you for doing this, for scarring his brain of this sinister memory, knowing it would never leave him anytime soon.

His lungs weren't cooperating, it was as though his mind had completely shut down. This couldn't be real. The world was playing some sick game, this was just a nightmare. But no matter how many times he pinched himself, or willed himself to awake, this was the reality he had to face. He sobbed, his cries broken and strangled. His hands covered his face as he wept, not able to look at you.

🔪🔪🔪

Outside, the blur of commotion made his mind go to a different reality. The happy memories of him and you played through his mind like a DVD. He was aware of the paramedics inserting some needle in him to test his blood, the rustling of the fabric around his shoulders provided some warmth to his skin and his brothers familiar voice around him grounded him back to his reality. The one he wanted to escape from. But nothing could console the hole left deep in his heart and soul.

"Where's Y/N?" Someone else asked and he made contact with the person, April. With a bitter chuckle, he spoke.

"She's dead, Y/N was the killer" Leo laughed while his tears poured from his eyes. Someone came around him, burying him in their arms but he didn't want it. He had no energy to push them away, only hoping they could finish the hug so he could go. The smell of Y/N burning through his nostril, the smell of her putrid blood on his skin. He stood abruptly, needing to go home away from the madness around him. The blanket fell from his shoulders as he walked away, trying to hold in tears threatening to break at any given second. "Listen-"

"Let him go, he needs time and space" someone whispered behind him, Raphael.

🔪🔪🔪

He finally entered his home, looking around the empty living room. He honestly didn't think he would be back in the lair but then again he never thought in his life he would witness the death of you. He didn't think he would uncover secrets that would literally change his life forever.

"Dada!" The small cheery voice of Hana made his heart beat faster. He looked down at his small baby girl, a tired smile pulled on his lips. He was sure his eyes were still bloodshot and puffy, his face tinged with red. "Hey princess" he whispered, picking her small body up in his arms. He embraced the little girl, trying so hard not to cry on her shoulder.

In front was Master Splinter, smiling sadly at the pair. He knew what had happened from Mikey and Donnie explaining over the phone and he gently nodded at his teary eyed son. Turning around he walked to his room, knowing that his son would talk to him when he was ready to so.

"What's wrong?" Hana asked, a brow raised in concern. He placed her back down on her small feet again, brushing her hair back with a finger. "Nothing is wrong, angel" his voice cracked and he coughed, trying to hide the tremble so prominent in his voice. Leo tried to force a smile on his lips but it didn't work, he physically couldn't do it.

"Where's mama?" The dreaded question was asked, and all the memories of tonight was played in his mind. He took a deep breath, crouching down so he was at her level. "She's- she's gone" he whispered and Hana looked confused, pursing her lips in a pout and looking over his shoulder. "Lets visit her!-"

"No Hana, mama is gone. Forever" he inhaled a sharp breath through his nostrils, his head bowed sadly. "Forever?" She murmured, her hands toying with the ends of her t-shirt.

"It's okay sweetheart, you have me, and your uncle's and your grandfather. We all love you. Your mom...she-she loved you too" despite himself, a tear rolled down his cheek. Her small little hands wiped away the lone tear, her head cocked to the right as a cute smile donned her lips.

"Okay...can we watch T.V.?" She smiled and Leo slowly nodded, wishing he could be in the mindset his little girl was in. Care free and happy, not knowing the dangers the world held yet. He was sure she would ask for Y/N in the morning, the next day until she was old enough to actually find out what had happened to her. Leo looked at her small face again, her features looked eerily similar to that of yours. Hana's eyes, nose and lips were an almost replicate of her mother's.

He hated this feeling, stuck between hating Y/N because of all the pain she caused but loving her because she was the mother to his baby and because of the relationship they both shared. He thought both of them were so happy, what had he missed? What had led her to commit such a heinous act?

His eyes shot down at Hana who eagerly nudged his hand to get him to move, a trait Y/N held. He smiled softly, picking her up in his arms.

"I'm so sorry" he whispered, kissing her cheek. Taking a breath, he followed his daughter to the T.V., trying to pretend everything would be okay. And maybe it will be, time heals all wounds they say, you learn to live with the wound. But it doesn't always heal a broken heart, it doesn't heal all the memories of the past. No matter what, he was determined to raise his daughter to be the best possible person she could ever be. Maybe one day, he would tell the truth about her mother to her but right now, he was focused on his daughter. That was what mattered to him the most right now.

[bisexualamy]

orelseatlastsheunderstoodit replied to your post “me, watching “the doctor falls” three years after the fact”

What do you think about the episode, Ren?

Thank you <333

I am fresh off of watching it and will probably reblog with more thoughts in the morning after I’ve rewatched and processed more of it but it’s hard for me to go to sleep with all these thoughts so this is gonna be two parts, I guess.

Anyway tl;dr I loved it. I think it’s my new favorite series finale. It’s also emotional for me in a few ways, particularly bc again, I never finished series 10 while it was airing due to a lot of mental health + transition stuff I was going thru at the time, and I’m really happy I was able to reconnect with Doctor Who in such an emotional way at a time now, when I both really need it and I’m in a headspace to receive it. Also, surprisingly, I avoided a lot of spoilers for this episode. I obviously knew that Heather came back (that one’s hard to avoid) and I had a feeling that Simm!Master in disguise was the guy in the first part, but overall I avoided a lot.

I’ve also been wanting for like, YEARS, since 2013 at least, to see a Steven Moffat episode with Simm!Master. I really, really like John Simm and Simm!Master is a hot mess but he’s my hot mess problematic fave. He is my “you were obsessed with this thing at 14 and you will never let it go.” And I thought it was never going to happen. And then it did. And then it was GOOD. And I’m beyond happy, probably the most happiest, about having an actual canon Simm!Master episode without the drums. 

He was very much a secondary character, and that’s okay. This episode wasn’t for him. The amount we got is just what I needed and I feel like having any more would’ve been overkill. Because what I most can’t get over is how absolutely amazing it was to see Missy’s character arc made literal. I LOVED watching them interact with each other. Michelle Gomez is amazing, and I think Missy is a much better Master, but there was something really satisfying about seeing it? Literally laid out like that? About how Missy is just more of a complex person in literal comparison to her past.

Idk if it was intentional but the fact that he’s like, repeatedly the King of the Wasteland. In every episode he’s in, he cannot help but burn it all down and stand in the ruins of it. The destructiveness is like, impulsive. The image of him standing over the mobilizing Cyberman army when they’re on the roof just like, gah. I love it. I love how every time we saw him and Missy together just the look on their faces was different.

I cannot get over the scene where she stabs him. I’m so happy I didn’t see any gifs of it or anything so I could watch it play out for the first time on video. Because she says it. She tells him how he burns hot, how he’s chaotic, and she loved that but she just cannot be it. That’s not the world anymore. He is straight out of the time war messy. But she’s moved past that. To an extent, Twelve has moved past that. He’s grown with and beyond his time war trauma. But Simm!Master hasn’t. And the fact that he laughs. That he congratulates her on a job well done. I just like, melted into myself. It was kind of beautiful.

I think this is the end of Missy though I don’t know. I think him killing her was really tragic, but I get it. I don’t know if she can fully complete her redemption arc and what that would even mean for the Master. Tbh, I’m not even sure she wanted to have a redemption arc? I liked what they alluded to a bit in “The Lie of the Land” of there being more than one kind of good, but I’m not convinced, in the end, her aim was anything but to do what it takes to stand with the Doctor. Morality neutral. I have some Series 12 spoilers via tumblr so I know a bit about the future, but not enough for it to really matter.

And this is not even getting into how cool an origin story for the Cybermen (well, the Mondasian Cybermen) I think this is. And the whole plot device of the black hole time relativity is so smart and such a cool conflict. And the fact that like, essentially Simm!Master ended up on Gallifrey, they fixed him up, and then they were like “please leave” I thought that was so funny. 

Anyway I’m rapidly losing coherency but thank you for asking so I could go off about this. I am probably going to write something in the morning too when I’ve rewatched the episode and not coming off the excitement of just having seen it.

[softpine]

i’ve been a ghost today omg but hello!! this is a long one!

STORY STUFF

i’m publishing this anyway because i think it’s pretty canon already! we know he was silently watching beth during this post because of what he said in this post. so theoretically, you’re completely right that he can jump back into his happiest memories if he wants to. that’s all i can say right now though 👀

hmm maybe i was talking about a different character? but definitely not asa, i’ve been planning on gen 3 being gay since before cara even got pregnant haha! but don’t worry, this isn’t mean at all!

AHHH i’m so glad you noticed that!! i was really proud of myself for that jskdjs and poor asa needs all the hugs he can get ;-;

thank you SO much omg!! i’ve been keeping this in my inbox and rereading it over and over :’) i love youu!! 💖💖💖

the “why are all your sims gay” ask i got

lmao homophobia is alive and well, i guess!

sjdkjsj my thoughts exactly! and hey, i’m mixing it up with a gay man instead of a gay woman heir this time lmaoo

sapphic sister, omg that’s cute 😭

well technically, but i don’t really consider my sims to be like.... sims. they’re just characters to me (actually i kinda think of them as real people in a different universe sdjskj but that’s just me being weird)

PERSONAL/ETC.

aw damn i’m sorry :((( i definitely know how unrequited love feels like, and wanting them to be happy no matter what. it’s a really mature way of dealing with it, in my opinion!

this is really sweet of you, thank you 💖💖 i just wish i had some kind of goal to work towards, but i don’t even know what i want anymore :( but i’m sure i’ll get there eventually, i just have to stay positive!

the color of my blog actually!! i love neutral, nature-y green

[eldritchsurveys]

344.

When are you at your happiest? >> I don’t know. Happiness is a very fleeting feeling for me, and I’m usually on a more neutral plane. I like it that way, though. It suits me.

Do you find that you're attracted to people who aren't "right" for you? >> I don’t think that’s true for me, no. I’m attracted to people based on specific qualities, and the thing about that is that... people have other qualities aside from those things that I’m attracted to. And those other qualities might be completely wrong for me. But I don’t think that means I’m attracted to the wrong kind of people or anything. Luckily, I’m not attracted (in that sense) to any kind of people anymore unless they’re inworlders, so this isn’t even an issue now.

Is there anything you wish you did today? Why haven't you done it? >> Well, I was doing the “take a walk 3x weekly” thing and this is the first day since I started that I haven’t done it. But Can Calah said that if I make the decision to stay in, then I can’t beat myself up about it. I have to own that decision full stop. So, fuck it. It’s hot and taking walks around here is so fucking boring anyway.

Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? >> Indoors is where the stuff is. Of course, if I have something specific to do outdoors, I’m happy to be outside. ...In the right weather.

What were you doing before you started this survey? >> A different survey.

Is there any exotic animal you'd like to have as a pet? If so, what is it? >> Hell no.

Do you think that deep down, everyone is good at heart? >> I don’t harbour any beliefs about what people are like “deep down”. I care about how people present themselves, because that’s the only data I can actually evaluate.

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? >> Yeah, I can honestly say that, based upon how I strive to treat myself no matter what bullshit my brain does.

How many people have you kissed? >> Enough, I’d say.

How many of those people are you still friends with? >> ---

Do you just feel awkward when you dance? >> Nah, dancing feels great. It’s the only exercise I enjoy, lmao.

When is the last time you felt absolutely happy? >> Argh, again with the happiness shit.

Where did you go, the last time you left your house? >> Took a walk.

Name someone that you love: >> Can Calah.

Is there something that you're looking forward to right now? If so, what? >> Not really.

What caused you to cry, the last time you did? >> I don’t remember. Probably overload (sensory or emotional). That’s usually why I end up crying, if I’m not getting maudlin about a movie or something, hah.

Do you think you spend too much time feeling upset? >> Nope.

Is there anywhere you would rather be right now? If so, where? >> Nah.

Do you like your singing voice? >> Sure. It’s a little creaky because I don’t practice much anymore, but it’s still serviceable. And I’m proud of the feats it’s performed in the past.

Do you think that you've ever actually been IN love with someone? >> I really don’t know.

If so, do you still feel the same way about them? >> ---

Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? >> I’ve done a dissociative hallucinogenic, which functions kind of like a psychedelic at certain levels. But I’ve never done a classic psychedelic. I would consider it, yes, but after the harrowing experiences I had with DXM I would need a fair amount of support.

What's something that makes you feel uncomfortable? >> Being in wet clothing.

Are you bisexual? >> I’ve had sexual relations with both sexes (and a variety of genders), but I don’t consider myself bisexual.

Are you a good speller? >> Yes.

Are most silences awkward for you? >> No, most silences are comfortable for me.

Do you sing and dance? >> Sure.

Have you ever been to an amusment park? >> Yeah, as a teenager. Oh, and Luna Park (in Coney Island) is kind of an amusement park, I guess. I’ve been there quite a few times.

Name someone you wish you had never met. Why? >> It’s tempting to wish I’d never met certain people, but there’s really no point in that. 

Do you think some people are better than others? If so, why? >> No.

Do you have any "nerdy" hobbies? If so, name some: >> I mean, I don’t know? I guess any of my hobbies can be considered “nerdy” if you really want to do that.

Name a word that you just really do not like. Why don't you like it? >> “Wholesome”. I have no idea. Some words just hit that disgust button in the brain for some reason -- “moist” gets a lot of attention for doing that to people, for example -- and that’s one of mine. Too bad it’s a mildly popular word on the internet recently, lmao.

Do you still seriously make pinky promises? >> I never did, as far as I recall. 

Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? >> No.

Do you and your friends have a lot of inside jokes? >> ---

Do you like to party? >> I like to party in my own fashion.

What's your favorite aspect of your life? >> The freedom of it.

Do people tell you that you should smile more? (they're probably right.) >> No, I don’t usually have people telling me that. And it’s a good thing, because I don’t respond well to people telling me what to do with my face.

Do you prefer summer to winter? >> Yes.

Do you use swear words? If so, do you have a favorite one? >> Yeah. I don’t really have a favourite.

What's something you find utterly disgusting? >> Dirty bathrooms.

Are a free and active agent in the decisions you make? >> Yes!

Are you easily angered? >> No.

What's something someone could do to really piss you off? >> I’m not even sure. Like, there are a lot of things that people could do to aggravate me or drive me away, but to make me flat-out angry... that’d be difficult. I think you’d have to do a certain thing over a period of time and refuse to stop no matter what, so the irritation builds up and then turns into anger. Like how my ex kept doing certain shit and taking advantage of my patience and desire to be accommodating until I finally got too angry at being manipulated to keep it up.

What's your sexual preference? >> Inworlders.

Are you accepting of other's sexual preferences? >> Absolutely.

Do you spend a lot of time just thinking/daydreaming? >> No.

Name a song you've really been digging lately: >> Map Change by Every Time I Die.

If you were given a microphone and told you could yell anything, what would you yell out? >> I wouldn’t do that.

Are you a virgin? If yes, are you waiting until marriage? >> No.

Who has the nicest singing voice, that you know personally? >> I don’t know.

Say something nice about someone you really don't care for: >> ---

Do you think you're plesant to be around most of the time? >> I don’t know. I think if you’re a person who enjoys a person who is a decent listener and doesn’t dominate conversations, who often has a flat emotional affect, and who prefers quiet environments, then yes, I’m a pleasant person to be around. If you don’t like those things, then I’m not a pleasant person to be around. It’s all relative.

What are you gonna do now that you're done with this survey? >> Hmm.... I’m not sure. Watch another Borgias episode...?

[angelstrenchcoat-67]

The Guy in Apartment 512

Pairing: Au!Destiel

Warnings: None just fluff

Summary: Cas has had a crush on his neighbor down the hall for a while now but he never had the courage to talk to him... until now.

Author's note: I wrote this story like two years ago but I never had the courage to post it (I posted it and then I deleted it). I love the different ships that we have thanks to Supernatural so just because this is about Destiel doesn't mean that I don't like other ships, I intend on writing about other ones. I got the inspiration for this because there was a latina singer named Selena Quintanilla and my mom is a huge fan of her so while we were driving, we were listening to her song called "El chico del apartamento 512" which in english translates to "The Guy from the Apartment 512". And while I was listening to it, I pictured it with Dean and Cas and I thought it was super cute so I came up with this. Hopefully you'll like it. 

Today is one of those days where the weather is too cold, the bed too warm and my motivation close to 0. I shift my face so that the light coming through the window no longer hits me, but my ways of avoiding to wake up become useless when Chuck, my cat, decides to sit on my face.

"Hey, buddy" I speak again his furry skin. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

He gives me a severe side eye before licking his paw and settling his head in the covers of my bed.

"Chuck, I have to go to class" I apologize as I grab him and set him next to me. "As much as I enjoy your random acts of love, I'll have to pass"

He glares at me before rolling over, stomach facing the ceiling. I look at my night stand where the clock is beaming a red light, telling me I only have one hour to get ready.

I move to my closet, grabbing my favorite trench coat, black jeans and since the day is getting colder by the minute, I throw a brown scarf with burgundy details I got from my brother for Christmas. I take the quickest shower so that I can have a proper breakfast. I leave some food for Chuck before finally locking the apartment door behind me.

"Oh, Castiel" Hannah, my next door neighbor is leaving her apartment, too. "How've you been?"

"I'm doing good, how about you?" I reply as we wait for the elevator door to open.

"Pretty good, thanks for asking" She beams at me as we enter the elevator. "I was wondering if we cou-"

"Hey, could you hold that for me?" Someone shouts from the hallway and I already know who it is.

We have been meeting up like this. In the elevator, the hallway, the lobby. We never get passed the polite greeting because I'm always too nervous to even breath.

I freeze at the sound of his voice so it's Hannah who presses the button to hold the elevator.

"Thanks" He smiles politely at her and the looks at me. "Good morning"

"Good morning" I say under my breath as I look down on my feet.

"First floor?" He asks us and Hannah nods since I'm unable to.

——

It's around 3 pm when I'm setting foot back on the lobby after a long school day. Charlie, the girl at the main office smiles brightly at me as she motions me to come closer.

"You got mail" She smiles before turning around to grab a few letters from the counter behind her. "You always forget to get it so it has been pilling up for a while now"

"Yeah, I always come directly to the apartment or leave on a rush" I grab it as someone enter the lobby, the wind from outside hitting my back.

"Hey, Dean" Charlie beams and I look around to see the guy and instantly feel my knees go weak.

So his name is Dean.

"Hey" He smiles at her and the looks at me. "Oh, it looks like we keep running into each other"

"I-I.. ah, yeah" I manage to say which makes him chuckle.

"See ya around" He winks at me and gives Charlie a playful smile before heading towards the elevator.

I follow him with my eyes without even noticing until Charlie snaps me out of it.

"He's name is Dean" She has a smirk playing on her face. "He lives in the 512"

"Are you aloud to tell me that?" I squint my eyes softly, making her laugh.

"Are you allowed to have pets in the building?" She says and I open my eyes widely. "Don't worry, I wont tell if you don't"

"You are too smart for your own good" I chuckle before stepping away from the counter. "See ya"

"Bye" She replies with a funny tone in her voice.

I walk to the elevator where I find Dean resting against the wall, looking at his phone. He looks up when I'm close enough for him to hear my steps.

"The elevator was going up as I got here but the old lady didn't hold it for me so I'm still waiting for it" He explains and I just nod, to nervous to try to even speak.

I try to focus my eyes on anything other than him. I try not to stare at his green apple eyes or his soft hair. Or the way the flannel hugs his muscles. Or the-

The elevator bell snaps me out of my trance before I start to drool.

"Same floor, right?" He looks at me as he presses the 5 on the board of the elevator.

"Yes" I find the words to answer but I cannot say anything more than that.

We stand in an awkward silence as the elevator goes through every floor before finally reaching the fifth.

The doors open in front of us and he steps out of the elevator first, looking back at me as I walk out. "It was good seeing you"

"Ah, yeah you too" I reply quickly before basically running down the hallway towards my apartment.

I open the door slowly in case Chuck is near so he wont scape. "Buddy, I'm back"

I walk in, throwing my bag at the coffee table of the living room. Chuck is laying on top of the couch, completely ignoring me. "But it's not like you care"

I turn to my studio, where an unfinished painting is standing in front of me. I look back at it, debating wether I should finish it or not.

It was looking good but I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I had finished the green eyes which came out even better than I expected, but of course not as mesmerizing as the originals.

"Since I started it, I might as well just finish it" I pull the wooden chair closer to the painting, grabbing my paint brushes.

——

"Wow" Charlie's voice startles me as I'm holding the painting in my hands.

"Charlie" I gasp turning back around to find her smirking as she checks my painting. "How did you get in?"

"The door was opened" She shrugs as I squint my eyes at her. "Or it wasn't. We'll never know"

"You cannot walk in on people's apartment without permission" I place the painting face down even though I know Charlie already saw it.

"And you shouldn't make paintings of your sexy neighbors" She turns around, walking to the living room.

"Uh, that's not- I mean, it's just-"

"Chill, Casie" She flops on my couch, grabbing an unwilling Chuck between her arms. "I think you did an amazing job, it's really cool"

"Er- thanks, I guess" I move my weight from one feet to the other.

"So when are you going to give it to him?" She looks up at me and I feel my cheeks flush.

"Never" I walk past her into the kitchen, trying to focus my attention on making dinner.

"Wait, why?" I don't see her but I hear her steps getting closer until she appears at the other side of the kitchen counter.

"One, Because I'm not good with human interactions and-"

"But you and I have great conversations" She pouts.

"That's because I'm not attracted to your type" I chuckle as she rolls her eyes.

"Don't say type like we are some sort of dog breed" She scolds me, taking a seat in the chairs of the kitchen counter.

"And two, he is not interested in me" I start chopping the first thing that I find which happens to be an apple.

"When did you ask him?" She looks at me, already knowing the answer. After a couple of dead seconds, Charlie laughs. "That's what I thought"

"I don't even know if he is gay" I keep chopping the apple, practically turning it into smash.

"Dean? Oh, please. He is as gay as they come" She rolls her eyes, waving a hand. "The only straight thing about him is his hair"

"What?" I put my knife down, looking intently at Charlie. "How do you know?"

"My gay-dar" She replies simply and then laughs at my clueless face. "My gay radar, Cas"

"Sure" I pretend that I understand her and go back to the apple.

"I'm done" She turns around, joining me in the kitchen as she pulls a coat. "You are going to leave that apple alone and you are going to his apartment and talk to him"

"But-"

"No buts, Castiel" She glares at me as she pushes me out of the apartment and closing the door behind me. "Name your first kid after me as a form of thanking me"

I'm left alone in the hallway, with my heart beating out of my chest, debating wether to run away from the building or throwing myself of the window.

No, Castiel. Charlie is right, at least you have to try. With my hands sweating and my heart drumming in my ears, I slowly make my way down the hall. I stop almost every 5 seconds, questioning if I should do it or not. I keep with that debate until I reach the door with the number 512 in gold.

"Ok, here goes nothing" I knock on the door softly at first but even I was unable to hear myself so I do it again, louder this time.

About a minute passes and I'm ready to sprint back to my apartment but then the door opens. A super tall shirtless guy appears in front of me, with soft brown hair that reaches his jawline, matching with his caramel eyes. He is sweating and barely holding his breath and suddenly my heart sinks. Of course Dean would have a hot boyfriend. I mean, what was I thinking?

"Hey" He greets me with a soft nod. "Sorry it took me so long, I was-"

"You know what? Don't worry. Actually, excuse me, I think I got the wrong apartment" I try to sound as neutral as possible but there's definitely a little shakiness in my voice. I turn around to leave when the handsome big foot calls my attention again.

"Were you looking for my brother?" He asks me when I face him again.

And suddenly I feel like the dumbest person in the building. And the happiest. So Dean is not dating the handsome sasquatch.

"I-I think so" I reply back and I see him start grinning.

"Dean" He shouts over his shoulder. "He is here"

"Who's here?" I hear Dean's voice in the back, along with his footsteps.

"The guy you are always talking about, the one that you said had dreamy blue-"

"Heey" Dean reaches the door, nudging his brother who just smirks back. "Why don't you go finish your work out, Sammy?"

Dean glares at his brother, who's name is Sam I suppose, but tries to hide it with a smile.

"It was nice meeting you" Sam chuckles and turns around, leaving us alone.

"I apologize for Sam, he can be a little bit... Well he can be too Sam at times" Dean laughs nervously, scratching the back of his neck.

"Uh, don't worry" I try to speak more but suddenly I get too nervous as those green eyes are staring back at me. "I-I, mmm, so-"

"Do you wanna go grab a coffee or something?" He does a half smile, waiting for my answer but when he is looking at me that way, I cannot speak so instead I just nod.

"That's the answer I was hoping for" He winks at me as he grabs his coat and closes the door behind him. "Shall we?"

————————————————————————

Soooo this happened lol. I hope you guys like this. I know I said that Matchmakers was my first work ever but this is actually the first thing I ever wrote like two years ago. Hope you like it!! I'm not going to tag anyone on this because I don't know who likes Destiel and who doesn't. Let me know what you think❤️

[allfandomxreader]

Dear Diary

Pairings: Peter Parker x gender neutral Reader

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: I swear a lot in this

Summary: You’ve recently moved to New York against your will, your mom thought it’d be a good idea to keep a diary and write down your thoughts. You think it’s stupid but do it anyways.

A/N: Yooooo so I tried something completely new and I kinda dig it? Let me know your thoughts and feedback on this one, I want to know if you like this writing style? (Obviously not for everything just a few things here and there) Also, this looks all weird and squished together but tumblr has a stupid length limit so sorry :/

Dear Diary

It’s my first day at Midtown High School. I don’t want to go. I miss my friends, I miss my old school, I miss home. I hate New York, I hate the stupid apartment, I hate my new room, I hate it here. Mom said writing down my thoughts will help me, but I doubt it. I’ve never kept a diary, it just isn’t my thing. I promised I’d give it a try though. Whatever I guess.

Dear Diary

I met the cutest boy at school yesterday! His name’s Peter. Peter Parker. He’s crazy smart and awkward but I think it’s cute. I was assigned to be his partner on some robot building project. God, I hope I don’t screw this up. Wish me luck or something.

Dear Diary

Peter Hasn’t been at school for a few days. It kinda sucks because I have no idea how to build this stupid robot, Peter was supposed to be here and help with the stuff I don’t know how to do. Which is literally everything. I’ll probably end up failing my first assignment. Thanks for your luck, it didn’t help.

Dear Diary

Peter didn’t show up the whole week of the project. The robot turned out so bad compared to the others, it couldn’t do anything Peter promised it could. Probably because I was the one working on it but still.

Dear Diary.

Of course, he shows up the day after the teacher graded the fucking robot. We got a D+. Better than an F I guess.

Dear Diary

I found out why Peter wasn’t here that whole week. He works with Tony Stark. Like, The Tony Stark. Apparently, he has some sort of internship with him. How cool is that? I told you he was crazy smart. I can’t even be mad at him for ditching me and the project, he said he’d make it up to me anyways.

Dear Diary

I think I like Peter Parker.

Dear Diary

Okay, I definitely like Peter Parker. I don’t know what to say around him, I don’t know how to act or how to be normal. God. I told myself I’d never be the person who writes about a stupid crush in a diary but here we are. This is between me and you, Diary, okay? God, just forget this ever happened.

Dear Diary

The scariest thing just happened on my way home from the grocery store. All I wanted was some fucking chips and I got fucking mugged. Well almost. Let me just start from the beginning. I went to the store, bought my chips, and on my way out I’m just minding my own business walking past this ally which now I realize is completely idiotic in New York but whatever, anyways. These two dudes started following me so I started to run and then so did they and one grabbed onto my hoodie and yanked me to the ground. And I’m like panicking, right? Like, I thought I was going to die BUT THEN fucking Spider-Man comes out of NOWHERE swinging on his webs and knocked the shit out of them, and his voice sounded familiar but I just can’t put my finger on it. Oh, and when I got home? I FORGOT MY CHIPS IN THE ALLEY.

Dear Diary

Peter’s gone again. At least we don’t have a project this time.

Dear Diary

So, I’m a little worried. Peter came back today and he was wearing a hoodie. Which is fine I guess… But it’s 94 degrees outside. I don’t know, something’s weird, and it’s not like I can just ask him about it. We’re not close like that. I just hope he’s okay.

Dear Diary

Liz is throwing a party tonight and I really didn’t want to go but Mj told me Peter would be going. I know he’s only going for Liz and that’s fine but why should I go if the guy I like is just going for someone else? You know? Oh! I never told you about Mj, she’s really great. Funny too. We talk a lot, she’s the closest friend I have here.

Dear Diary

That party was a fucking bust. Peter was supposed to bring Spider-Man but Peter was only there for like two seconds and Spider-Man never showed. And the whole night, Flash kept calling him Penis Parker which just got annoying. Ugh. I hate New York.

Dear Diary

Holy fucking shit. I think Peter is Spider-Man. Listen, he said he’d bring Spider-Man to the party and then Spidey never showed. Whatever. But wait, there’s more. The next morning Spider-Man was all over the news and so was some metal bird looking thing but that’s not the point. Then let’s go back to the night I was almost mugged, shall we? I knew Spider-Man’s voice was familiar, turns out, it belongs to my shitty robot building partner. And the last thing, when he wore that hoodie in 90-degree heat? I think he was trying to cover up bruises because the week after that, there were faint marks on his arms. I don’t know though, I could be crazy, but I really, really, think I’m right.

Dear Diary

I saw some shit at homecoming tonight. I was going to the bathroom and when I walked out, I saw Peter run by me and when I looked to see where he was going, he picked up fucking lockers. Lockers. Like, with his bare hands. It’s confirmed. Peter Parker is Spidey Boy.

Dear Diary

Peter denied everything when I asked him. He’s not a very good liar.

Dear Diary

I told Peter I liked him tonight. He didn’t say anything back. He probably still likes Liz. God, why am I so stupid?

Dear Diary

Peter walked me home from school today and guess what? He asked me on a date!! Can you believe it? The boy I’ve liked for months likes me back! I think we’re going to dinner and a movie. I’m freaking out but I’m so excited. Your luck actually helped, Diary! Maybe New York isn’t so bad after all!

Dear Diary

Tonight, was amazing. He took me to his favorite deli and we talked for so long we missed our movie. But it’s okay, I didn’t really want to go to that anyways. He finally admitted to being a super hero, I was right all along! And that’s not all he told me, he told me about his family and what the Stark Internship really was, he told me how he fought Captain America and stole his shield. Wow, I’m dating a badass.

Dear Diary

Okay, I’m freaking out. Peter wants me to meet his aunt tonight. I guess she invited me over for dinner and Peter told her I’d come without even asking me. I mean, of course, I still would’ve came, but just a heads up would’ve been nicer than “Oh, hey, by the way, you’re coming to my house for dinner tonight with my aunt and me.” That boy, I swear.

Dear Diary

So, as lovely as May is, she isn’t such a great cook. She brunt… whatever she was trying to make and we had dinner at a really good Thai place around the corner from their apartment. We talked through the whole dinner about school and plans after we graduate, she told some really funny jokes and always had a really lame pun on hand. She hugged me at the end of the night, so that’s a good sign, right? Peter says it is but is he just telling me that because he’s my boyfriend?

Dear Diary

Peter and I got in our first fight tonight. It was so stupid, too, I don’t even remember what it was about. I think I said some mean things, I know he did. It’s so not like us, I hate it. I’ve tried texting him, but he hasn’t responded, do you think he’ll call before bed? If he doesn’t, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.

Dear Diary

We worked it out, Peter says our relationship is stronger now than it was before. I think he’s right.

Dear Diary

Summer is finally here! I survived my first year at Midtown High School and managed to pull all As! I think Peter really helped, without our late-night study sessions, I definitely would’ve failed a few classes.

Dear Diary

Peter and I walked around a park by his apartment today. The weather was so nice, it wasn’t super cold and it wasn’t unbearably hot. He picked me a cute little yellow flower, I think I’ll use it as your bookmark, Diary.

Dear Diary

I think I’m in love.

Dear Y/N

I’m sorry, I hope you don’t mind my snooping, you just left it out in the open and it accidentally fell on the floor and I saw a few pages. Yeah. Anyways, I think it’s cute that you write about me, please don’t be mad. But guess what, I think I’m in love with you too.

Dear Diary

OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.

Dear Diary

He said it out loud to me today. He said I love you. I seriously think the whole world stopped, but then again, I always feel like that when I’m with him. He makes me so happy, this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I love New York, I love Peter Parker.

Dear Diary

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately, summer just got busy. I hung out with Peter a lot, I even got to meet Tony Stark. Swear to God I almost fainted. School starts again soon, I think junior year will actually be a lot of fun! But really, everything’s fun when Peter’s by your side.

Dear Diary

The first week of school passed with a breeze. I like all of my classes, maybe it’s because Peter is in almost all of them. Yeah, that’s definitely the reason.

Dear Diary

I’m trying not to panic. We were on our field trip today and we saw a spaceship in the sky. Peter jumped out the window of the bus mumbling to Ned about causing a distraction. Usually, I don’t freak out when he goes all Spidey. I don’t know, something just feels different this time. Ned keeps telling me he’ll be okay, I’m sure he’s right. But I really, really don’t feel good about this.

Dear Diary

Peter’s been gone for a few days, he normally texts me or May and she hasn’t heard from him either. There’s nothing I can do and I feel helpless 

Dear Diary

Peter’s still missing.

Dear Diary

I’m scared.

Dear Diary

I don’t think he’s ever coming back to me.

 Forever Tags: @superfrankie111 @rueinn

[joi-in-the-tardis]

I’ve been trying to pin down some of my frustration these last couple of weeks.  Of course, some of it has to do with the deaths that have happened in my close circle this year.  That can’t be understated.  And, even the things that are also causing frustration are born out of, or exacerbated, by those losses.

The symptoms of my internal frustration aren’t as easy to see on the outside, I think.  I still try to at least portray patience and kindness even when I’m not feeling them on the inside.  Because that’s who I am; that’s who I want to be.  So, if people know what’s going on internally it’s either because they know me very, very well and they can read me or, more likely, I’ve expressed it verbally.  For instance, I’ll have an acquaintance from work approach me to talk about something fandom related and I will carry on a perfectly cordial conversation.  They walk away and I drop all pretenses and go back to neutral face.  I’m exhausted from the effort.  I may love the subject matter.  I may be fond of the person.  The problem is that I don’t have the emotional spoons.  I have just enough to get myself out of bed, do my job, interact with the people I have to interact with, come home, make a food, maybe hop on the treadmill, and then go to bed and start it all over.  

What gives?

(The rest under the cut because wowsers this got long.)

Ironically, I think I’m lonely.  I haven’t the foggiest idea where in my life I would fit another whole close relationship.  I’m very introverted which means I need quite a lot of time to myself.  My job takes up much of the leftover time.  The hours I keep for said job mean that either people have to schedule around me or I have to twist my life in to pretzels to make time for people (well, if we’re hanging out on Saturday that means I need to go to work, come home and take a nap directly, shower... oh, and I need two weeks notice so I can ask off for Sunday because otherwise I have to be at work by 5am).  I can deviate from my normal life schedule, if I really want to, maybe once a week.  But, I need my sleep.  I’m having a hard enough time being as social as I need to be for my job... a lack of sleep makes me a bear.  I’m not really great at maintaining my close friendships because I’ll go weeks without seeing people at all.  We might text, usually if the other person sends a message.  We might poke each other on social media.  It’s not that I don’t think about them... It’s just that I’m so focused on maintaining myself in the moment that everything else kinda slips away.  And by the time I realize “hey maybe I should shoot them a message” it feels like it’s been too long and I’m embarrassed and guilty.

I’m happiest at home, alone.  My couple of hours with my coffee and my social media time before work are near-sacred.  I get to work and immediately things start wearing on me.  It’s easy to say “just get a new job” here.  Believe me, I think about it.  But when I got this job... they were the only company to call me back in a year of looking.  I have full time employment with decent benefits.  I have yet to have a supervisor who didn’t appreciate (and take advantage of) my work ethic.  On this small little hill I am King and I have a Great Reputation.  The idea of starting over or of having less than I have now is terrifying.  It feels irresponsible to leave a position that allows me to live a comfortable life outside of work.  Even if the work itself drives me batty.  It would also be easy enough to step up in to a supervisory role, get more pay, and move up in the company.  That is largely unappealing to me, though.  In part because I don’t like being in charge (I’m more of a second in command) and in part because this company makes supervisory roles impossible to do right.  As a perfectionist, I think this would eat at me until I collapsed in on myself.

I do have fantasies about quitting and moving away.  Starting somewhere else fresh, you know?  Then I feel incredibly guilty because I have family here.  Not blood, but found.  I have a network of people who care about me- really to know me is apparently to love me and I say that with continued shock, not ego- and I love them to pieces. 

Like I said, though, I think in large part I’m lonely.  I’ve lived on my own for 7 years now.  I’ve come home alone, I’ve slept alone, I’ve lived my life for myself.  I’ve joked many times in the last 7 years that I’m not sure I could be domesticated.  I’m used to having things the way I want them, when I want them, how I want them.  I’m incredibly independent and stubborn, almost to the determent of myself.  I think I’ve reached a point, though, where I really wish there was someone else.  It’s been coming for a long while.  In waves, with hills and valleys.  A lot of the time I’m still super grateful that I get so much time alone to recharge.  But, increasingly, I wish there was someone to help me with that.  Or, even more, to gently push me to be better.  It’s far too easy to come home alone and waste away my days when I’m sad.  Oh, I try.  For instance, I’ll be at work thinking I just want to go home and have a drink on the sofa.  When I do get home I tell myself I can do that, absolutely, after an hour on the treadmill.  Usually after that hour I’m too tired to properly enjoy the drink.  And so it goes.

I’m not saying I need someone to come along and tell me how to take care of myself.  And I hesitate to say I need someone to take care of myself for because I should be able to do it for myself.  But, I think it would help on my more exhausted days to have my own cheering section, you know?  As much as I’ve worked on myself- chipping away all of the things that aren’t me to get down to what is and polishing that to show it to the world without shame- I want someone to want this me that I’ve worked so hard on.  I think the continued work would be a bit easier, a bit lighter, if there was someone who wanted it, too.

I mean, I like me.  I think I’m fun, funny, sensitive, inquisitive, intelligent, creative, caring, delightfully scattered, intense... But, I also have to live with my downsides and sometimes they’re all I see.  I can be pretty unfriendly in my own head and a lot of that unfriendliness is targeted at myself.  When I do mentally lash out at other people, it’s really more about me than the other person.

It would be nice to have someone pull me out of my own head.  Pull me out of my very scheduled, regimented life.  Haul me off and make me live in the world, even if it’s only for the afternoon.  Bring some spark and spontaneity that I’m not prone to indulging in on my own.  Life should be more than sleep, coffee, work, sleep... you know?

And that’s the crux of it, I think.  I want to be wanted.  I want to be worth it to someone.  I want someone to want me to belong to them.  I want to come home and have someone be here for me.  Respectful of my need for space, of course, and ready to love me where I am, but also ready to push me to be better or more rounded.

I want to love someone and have them love me back.  I’ve never had that, not once.  A couple false starts, that’s what I’ve got.  Chests and trunks and barrels full of feelings for lots of people- both in my life still and long gone- that’s what I have.  I give and give and love with everything I’ve got... It’s like that’s what I was built to do... There are heaps of people in my life who care about and love me, and for that I am incredibly grateful.  But, there’s no one that’s just for me.  The message that I get is that I’m a fine friend.  I’m great for sometimes.  I’m not someone for always.  Maybe these are unfair assumptions.  Hell maybe there’s a long line of people from my past who have dropped hints and I just haven’t noticed.  

Admittedly, when it comes to romance I’m a complete dunce.  I don’t pick up on hints.  I don’t drop good hints, myself.  I tend to hold my crushes for years before mentioning anything.  When hints fail, I tend to pour my heart out all at once... Which, I know is overwhelming for the other party.  And, every time I do that I realize I’m way ahead of them in regards to feelings.  INFJs are future thinkers.  I’m not thinking about dating; I’m thinking how our lives would mesh.  I’m already thinking about making their coffee the way they like in the morning.  Already trying to figure out if our pets would get along.  I’m making dinners in the evenings and elaborate breakfasts on our days off.  We’re spending evenings curled up on the sofa together, either enjoying something together or pursing our own interests in the same space, and holidays in far-off places, adventuring and learning new things.  I’m already squishy and domesticated before the start.  It’s hard to even consider catching up with that, I know.  And no one has done it.  No one has wanted to try.

It’s incredibly difficult for me to drop my barriers around people.  Even people I’ve been comfortable with for years.  I’m incredibly touch-sensitive and have trust issues in that realm.  Years of these barriers have done nothing but starve me, though.  I’m actually a big physical touch person despite this sensitivity.  I’ve just learned to deal without... Anyone who was willing to try with me would have to go slow and easy with me.  But once I drop those barriers?  They’re just gone.  I kinda become a human barnacle. There really is no way to prepare people for that shift.

I dunno.  I think a lot of my frustration stems out of this... neediness.  I’m constantly telling myself that it’s not stupid.  It’s perfectly natural.  We’re a social species.  We’re built for connections.  Many of us are built for close, romantic relationships.  We’re built for a certain level of physical intimacy.  It’s just a bit difficult not to feel angry that I’m built for it, I crave it, but I can’t seem to obtain it.

So... Hi everyone, my name is Joi and I’m romantically/intimately frustrated...

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Sass you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Cassandra Burke 

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Sass, we’re so happy to see you return to the group! The development you’ve brought to Cassandra from her starting skeleton is amazing, and the passion you have for writing her is obvious in every part of your application. Your writing samples do a wonderful job of explaining Cassandra’s current position in the overall plot and exploring the way she’s been changed by the effects of the war, and we can’t wait to see what you do with her next! 

*Your faceclaim change to Nina Dobrev has been accepted

application beneath the cut ( tw: PTSD, trauma, abuse, assault, knives, death )

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Hey, I’m Sass, twenty-four years old and from the GMT+1 timezone.

ACTIVITY

Oh, probably a 6-7/10. To be honest I do have days on which I can’t be online at all, because I do have a full-time job nowadays and other commitments, but I do intend to dedicate enough time to Cassandra to develop her further and fully push her into all the drama, all the good stuff.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

Originally through the first admin and I’ve been a member ever since (well, with a two month hiatus?)

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Probably with Fred Weasley. As a twin I’m constantly with my twin brother and I’m fiercely protective of him. Also I feel like out of us I’m the one who speaks first and I’m also more outgoing than my brother.

ANYTHING ELSE?

I’m just glad to be back, y’all.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Cassandra –  From the Greek name Κασσανδρα (Kassandra), derived from possibly κεκασμαι (kekasmai) “to excel, to shine” and ανηρ (aner) “man” (genitive ανδρος). In Greek myth Cassandra was a Trojan princess, the daughter of Priam and Hecuba. She was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo, but when she spurned his advances he cursed her so nobody would believe her prophecies.In the Middle Ages this name was common in England due to the popularity of medieval tales about the Trojan War. It subsequently became rare, but was revived in the 20th century. Morrigan –  Derived from Irish Mór Ríoghain meaning “great queen”. In Irish myth she was a goddess of war and death who often took the form of a crow. Burke –  Derived from Middle English burk meaning “fort or fortified town”. It was brought to Ireland in the 12th century by the Norman invader William FitzAdelm de Burgo.

BIRTHDAY / STAR SIGN

Novermber 5th 1957 – SCORPIO -- One of the most sensitive signs in the zodiac, Scorpio women feel their emotions intensely, though they may not always express them overtly. A water-ruled sign, Scorpio is symbolized by the submerged depths, like the pure waters flowing through an underground cave. But you may not see the currents or waves rippling through her facial expressions – much of what a Scorpio woman feels, she won’t always express overtly. Scorpios rule over the occult sciences, and the true meaning of the word “occult” is “hidden” – hence, the Scorpionic tendency toward secrecy and inscrutability. Only the most determined (and respectful) will be granted permission to explore the secret caverns within the heart of a Scorpio woman.

OCCUPATION

She used to be the co-owner of Borgin & Burkes, but is currently a neutral spy mostly affiliated with the Order of the Phoenix (but then again they threw her out, so it’s to being completely neutral again) I’d describe her as almost unemployed? Considering she’s still missing.

FACE CLAIM

Nina Dobrev

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I once described her as poison, and she is. I believe every character who’d been with her received their dose of poison and only some managed to find an antidote. It’s not meant in a seductive way, not entirely, but more or less like real poison. Everything she touches gets corrupted, even the most innocent minds, and it’s pretty obvious that she’s a master manipulator and someone who looks out for herself, most importantly. She’d been a Death Eater, a seductress, a liar, a fiancee, a friend, daughter, enemy – anything you can think of, but all she wants to be is a free woman, alive and happy. It’s the old tale of having a strong, flawed character, who has been through hell and survived, who promised herself to change the world for the better, who loved and spent days remembering her happiest moments before being thrown to the wolves again. I remember describing her as this cunning, calculating Femme Fatale with only selfish intentions, but she has grown and learned from her mistakes. She’s almost altruistic nowadays, at least when it comes to her friends.

This war and everything else is something she’d lived with, one of the few who actively lived through the horrors of war – but she has no regrets whatsoever. In fact, Cassandra feels like it’s her main goal to not only be free, but to help end this war. I just love her so much y’all.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

She’s experienced both in love and sex – and some might even say she’s one of the best. Cassandra’s biromantic/sexual and goes by she/her pronouns as a cis female.

For ships, well, it’s a bit more complicated than that. I think I can’t really comment on that since a lot has changed over the past few months, so I’m not sure where new plots and ideas will lead to.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER

I have everything on my blog

Graphics, other stuff I made

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“Easy. A spell that changes your personality permanently. Effective to hide or be someone else for a day, you know? In times like these it’s pretty effective and safe to just be a Muggle for a day or two.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“I’d say Orion Black since he’s experienced enough and would most likely survive on his own as well, so I’m not at all concerned. And as an object I’d probably choose a Portkey, just to make sure we’d find our way out immediately.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“Love. Always love – a bloody nightmare, I tell you.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“That I lived my life in vain, not really accomplishing anything.”

REACTION TO LAST EVENT DROP

Well, she did got captured. She wasn’t happy about being captured I can tell you all that much, also she wasn’t happy about being thrown out of the Order castle because others couldn’t warm up to her. She’s not really mad, but more or less frustrated. She did change and she’s not a Death Eater anymore, but there’s just no trust between the Order and Cassandra even though she did reveal her memories to Amos and the gang hoping it would make them trust her more. It worked on some, but not enough.

WRITING SAMPLE

1. – I AM RUINATION

April 4th 1979

trigger warnings: PTSD, trauma, abuse, assault, knives, death

“I am ruination,” her voice was merely a whisper, but the psychologist in front of her heard everything, every breath she took in their little zone, those four walls which were covered in a light grey, almost white tone. “How so, Miss Burke. Mrs. Rookwood?” he slowly tried to make sense out of her words, but he failed to understand her, as he should. “Burke, of course. I never actually married him. I couldn’t – not anymore,” Mr. Seymour, her psychologist, shook his head and gestured towards her engagement ring, which she still wore, polished everyday and kept clean over the past months. “A facade, that’s all,” she even wore Evan’s engagement ring, just because she loved the gem set between gold too much to ever take off the ring, at least for now. They were cruel reminders of what she’d endured, who she had to face in order to be free. She thoroughly pushed her thumb against her other hand, aggressively massaged the back of her hand to numb herself. “I never really cared if they were engagement rings or not – It’s already fucked up to know I have two,” she closed her eyes. “I wear them because they show me who I could’ve been if I hadn’t found the strength to follow my heart. I started to believe I had to follow my family’s path, that I have to believe in their lies, that I couldn’t be more than what they’d planned for me.” Cassandra took a deep sigh and she felt her throat contracting, resulting in her barely being able to breathe properly. “They judged me all my life and I let them. I thought I was a monster,” Cassandra watched Mr. Seymour and she realized, rather quickly, that she had to make him forget once they were done. “And you thought no one would understand? A typical case in Pureblood families. You felt like nobody would even dare to help you even if you’d have asked for it. But no one’s alone in this world, I hope you realize that.”

“But I’m ruination,” Cassandra muttered, gulping and shaking her head. “Everyone deserves to be saved, even if they believe they’re doomed. This isn’t the end, Miss Burke,” he was quickly cut off by Cass, who had now raised her voice slightly. “I have lead men to their death, I’ve risked the lives of the people that I love because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I endured immeasurable amounts of pain in return, just to keep them save. I still hear myself screaming, the Cruciatus curse running through my veins and I could never tell anyone about it, because it hurts so much, he broke me. I don’t want to live in pain – and I would’ve rather died than endure just one more second of the curse.” she breathed heavily. Mr. Seymour’s eyes widened in shock at how direct she was, something he hadn’t guessed from someone like her, especially not in front of an official psychologist for the Ministry. “The pain you’ve endured doesn’t define who you are and especially doesn’t mean you’re ruination. Others are, Miss Burke,” Cassandra tried to drown out her own screams, which were repeatedly resurfacing in her head. “The pain has shaped me to who I am now. The pain made me stronger.” “Yes, good.”

“I killed so many Halfbloods, Muggleborns and Purebloods, I lost count. I lured so many men to their deaths, that sometimes I feel like I’ve killed ten in a week, enemies, politicians, Muggles – for the sake of you-know-who and for the sake of my family. I sometimes wonder if Evan’s punishment was justified. He was right, you know? I’m currently playing my games, I haven’t leaned a thing. Nothing. I have scars to prove what I’ve endured, but I wonder if anything changed around me, except me.”

“You pity yourself – the hardships you’ve endured weigh you down. You need hope, love – you’re still here, you still breathe, that’s worth something.” Cassandra shook her head and chuckled slightly. “Do you honestly think those things will be my salvation? They’ve made me who I am in the first place. It’s the pain I cannot stand on its own, the memories. The sacrifices I’ve made until now have made me stronger, but I fear his judgement.” “Whose judgement?” “Amos. Amos Diggory?” He looked at her with a puzzled expression. “He has all my memories. He’ll see myself growing up, being formed into an obedient wife and Death Eater, how I’ve killed someone for the first time and how proud my father was. I never wanted to be such a problem, but I am. I have so much information stored as memories, but there’s also the pain and the darkness within he’ll finally see – and I don’t want to lose him, even if he said he’ll stay, those memories do not define who I am today.”

She took a deep breath. “He’ll see the pain, the love, the lust, everything. There’s so much you will never know, but he will. And I care more about his opinion than about yours.” Mr. Seymour leaned into his chair, slightly distancing himself from her, as if he tried to calm her down with that. “Do you know why I am here?” “Because they want to find out if I’m worth being pardoned. If my memories classify as worthy enough as exchange for my freedom?” “Precisely.” a quill next to his head wrote down every word they spoke, every stop, everything that could potentially be of use later on. As thoughts mixed inside of her head, Cassandra’s eyes fixed on different objects in the room, but never stayed there for too long as anxiety kicked in every few seconds. “And why are you here?” “Because I want to be free.” “There are few rules you need to keep in mind, but first – I’d like to enter your mind, so that I get a general understanding of what happened. You are not making any sense at the moment and I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed with my diagnosis – PTSD, illusions, Insomnia, nightmares and Bipolar Two Disorder, self-destructive behavior and thoughts. There’s a lot to consider, If we could only talk about the consequences and the severity–”severity? “I’m a murderess, Mr. Seymour, maybe I deserve everything that has had happened and maybe my broken relationships and fickle heart are just a result of who I  was – they are a part of me. Maybe I deserve to feel empty, to be too broken to be loved. Maybe the person who did love me broke me in the end.” “You do not realize how toxic your mind will become if you do not let people in completely.” “Do you not listen?” she yelled at him, stood up and she could hot tears running down her cheeks. “I did and now I feel powerless, because I know they’ll only see a monster, the person I do not wish to be. I destroy everything and everyone I touch,” her hands shook as her fingertips reached for her mouth.

“I’ve lost my friends, my family, everything – on one day, because I was too afraid to talk to them, because I couldn’t bear the idea of working for him, of being a puppet. I’m not a puppet. I’m a puppeteer and I guide those around me  to their deaths, right? And I try, so hard, to be better, to move on. But I can’t handle the pain. I just want the pain to be gone. I want to be enough, just once. I’m just a woman, I was never enough for my father, nor for my friends. I let everyone down, I lie and fake a smile just so that they still see me as confident. I stopped being confident and happy the day I lost him. And I left parts of myself in others, hoping they’ll love and care for them and one day return them to me with theirs attached. They never did. I am nothing in their eyes. Just a wanton,” she quoted Evan on this and looked down onto her engagement ring. Panic filled her heart, but she was stopped by Mr. Seymour, who’d grabbed her hand and entered her mind, now facing every memory she ever had as she let him in and his spell. He saw her childhood, her teenager years, the way she loved Caradoc and lost him the day she’d agreed to follow her family’s path, her Dark Mark, Borgin & Burkes, her engagement to Evan and her near death experience – the way she loved Amos and how she tried to protect everyone from Evan, their hands around her throat, the lack of control, the knife slashing through her skin, her screams, the pain which she endured from the Cruciatus curse – everything at once. He immediately sat down again, clenching his jaw and looking up towards her. “And I just want to feel normal, but I will never be, which is why everything’s so bloody complicated. I’m a disaster. And I don’t want to ruin everything I have right now. Because one day I will, and they’ll leave the second they see my real face, find out I’m a monster.”

Cassandra brushed away the tears from her cheeks and shook her head. “I control others just because I can’t control myself. I wonder if I’m still a monster, if I’ll never change, but I want to. I want to change, please – I just don’t know where to start. I feel like I can’t move, I can’t breathe. And I just want to stop drowning and breathe, survive. I have people who protect me. Orion, Caradoc, Amos, Rodolphus, Charity, Benjy, —- but I want to be strong on my own! I used to be stronger, independent, a lot less afraid.”

Mr. Seymour relaxed, as if he hadn’t just seen an entire life playing in front of his eyes, the trauma, the pain, the joy, the love – as if nothing of it really mattered. “You consider yourself to be a monster, but you haven’t killed me yet. How’s that? That’s because you know I’ll help you. The first step to becoming better is seeking help, reach out to others. You are healing, you have friends and people that love you for who you are - - you just have to open your eyes, Miss Burke. And if you survive through the pain and prove yourself, then you’re the strongest person I know.”

“No,” Cassandra replied, recovering from her panic attack. “I am strongest when I know what I want – and right now I just want to be free and happy.” she whispered, her grip tightening around her wand. A blue light took away all his memories from the past hours and she ignited the quill, which was still writing every word – and every paper lit on fire. “and I know I don’t have to conquer my monsters, I just have to keep them on a leash, because they’ll never see another version of me, the one that’s suffering and alone – I will remain standing, strong and proud. They will never suspect the cracks if no one knows about them besides one, the one I love – and if I still feel… love, then how bad of a monster can I be?”

2. – BRAVE NEW WORLD

Ministry of Magic, Cassandra Burke’s secret Wizengamot trial, the dungeons Date: April 13th 1979

Wind blew through her hair as she entered the hidden passage through the Ministry, a hood loosely falling over her face as she was abruptly grabbed away from the sun and into the dark tunnels. She kept on walking, didn’t really know which step to take next – maybe she didn’t want to know. Arriving at the Wizengamot, a place her parents warned her about, the Dark Lord had warned her about, as well, now looked even more frightening than everything she’d dreamed of. A few wizards were placed on a podium, watching down on her, judging, making comments, whispering and shaking their head. One of the Aurors moved closer, and the former Death Eater immediately thought of Caradoc, who could’ve been here with her, who could’ve been the one to pull the hood away. With dark brown hair now falling behind her shoulders, Cassandra looked around freely, saw Dumbledore, judges, Bartemius Crouch Snr. and not many others, actually. In fact, she wondered why there wasn’t an entire courtroom filled with judges just waiting to drag her all the way to Azkaban. In total, however, she counted eight people. Eight to determine her innocence or her guilt. Others were judged from twenty or more, so what exactly happened in between then and now? Oh, she knew what happened, but didn’t dare to speak of him.

“The trial may begin,” Dumbledore spoke, his voice louder than ever, well, except the last time she’d heard him speak in Hogwarts. Before the trial could even begin properly, she was pushed down on the seat behind her and her hands were wrapped with a silken, glowing substance – a binding spell. While the Aurors removed her wand and went on with their procedures, Bartemius Crouch Snr. stood up, reading a script. “Cassandra Morrigan Burke, daughter of Aurora and Cormac Burke, stand accused of murder, assault, arson, theft, using unforgivable spells and high treason on many occasions. These crimes are, and will be, punished with a life-sentence in Azkaban. As a known member of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his army of dark wizards, you’re an enemy of the Ministry of Magic and therefore judged as an enemy of this court. How do you plead?”

Cassandra sighed, her breath shaky and her eyes searching for something or someone to focus on. Nothing, no one. “Guilty.” after confessing, however, her heart sped up, but her eyes weren’t trying to focus anymore. She kept staring towards Dumbledore, hoping her memories would have an effect. “You choose to help him all on your own. You didn’t care, you regret nothing. Even though your mouth’s moving, your lips are shaking, you’re not sorry at all,” Bartemius started. “You cast your first unforgivable curse at the age of sixteen as you killed your first victim for the Dark Lord.” he looked like a raging old man, incapable of keeping his temper in check, even before Dumbledore, who was in charge. Did Amos keep her memories? She started to shake in fear, but as Dumbledore spoke, she immediately froze. “It does seem like we’re making false assumptions. Our accusations are not too far off, in fact, they’re identical with what I’ve seen,” Dumbledore held the vial between his index and little finger, shaking her tears slightly, almost delicately. “I bear witness her accusations are all true, but she’s here to strike a deal.” Cassandra’s eyes closed in relief. This wasn’t the end, not yet, at least. “Immunity, a symbolic death if you will, in exchange for all information granted in this vial. The Order wishes the Ministry would accept or consider her offer.”

“I offered my memories for a reason. I want to be free,” she pleaded, but Bartemius already tried to silence her. “Silence!”

“I didn’t just offer my past, but several memories of Death Eater meetings and faces. Vast knowledge of dark magic acquired through training and my family’s history in that field. Tom Riddle worked for my grandfather.” “I said silence! You did kill Darius Shafiq, have you not? You lured him into a trap on November 2nd 1978, didn’t you? You assassinated Clara Wilson, a hit-witch, who worked for the Ministry, after she’d been tasked with the killing of an ally of yours, of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

“Darius was a Death Eater,” she then said, calmly. “I killed him because the Dark Lord knew he’d break.” Bartemius abruptly lost his voice and looked at Dumbledore, confused. She nodded towards the vial. “Everything you need to know’s contained in there. My entire life, my misdemeanors, my knowledge and relationships. I request you to have a look and judge for yourself. I’m willing to share them with you as I did with my link to the Order and Ministry before this trial.” She didn’t want to mention Amos directly. They’d find out sooner or later.

One week later

“Cassandra Morrigan Burke. You’ve been found guilty on all charges. Upon viewing your memories the Wizengamot decided to pardon your crimes and erase all evidence of this trial. Your memories will be stored to further the Ministry’s attempt in finding Death Eaters and stopping the war. Under oath we’ve agreed to never use your name outside of this court. You will be considered missing, if not dead after today. All your relatives will be told of your disappearance and your possible death in times of war. You’re free to leave.”