#I also just don’t want it to be a whole discussion. I’d rather just not be perceived actually lol

[grimm-writings]

HI IT'S EAVESDROP ANON YOU GAVE ME AN IDEA what if izutsumi and reader faced the succubi together, and izu sees that one of reader's succubi looks like chilchuck !! maybe she promises to keep it a secret, but also talks to reader about it? bonus points if izu and reader have a sort of unspoken mother/daughter relationship :')

to the grave

…ft! chilchuck x fem! reader, izutsumi & reader

…tags! headcanon format, slight suggestive points, motherly reader

…wc! 623

…notes! give it up for One Whole Request Complete omfg. sorry for how short it is eavesdrop anon it’s been a rough few weeks for me 🫶 this is absolutely not my best work, but i did what i could!

“Come on… I know you always thought about how I’d look underneath you.”

Hearing the words come from his mouth renders you still.  It’s his face, his voice, yet completely wrong.

You had thought he had somehow recovered and came back to help you, but of course it isn’t as easy as it appeared.

You’re lucky to have Izutsumi with you.  If it weren’t for her pushing you out of the way to claw at the succubus, you probably would have dropped all pretence and leaned down to where you had Chilchuck – or the succubus, rather – pinned to the floor to kiss.

Still, you can’t miss the look of absolute disbelief she gives you.

Silence fills the air as the succubus is reduced to nothing more than slob on the floor.  You refuse to look at what, to you, is eerily similar to Chilchuck’s visage.  Disturbingly so.  For just a second, you consider reaching out to it (him?) again.  However, Izutsumi is quick to swat you away. “Hey, we have a mob incoming,” she tells you.  You are about to retort, interrogating if she even felt remorse for hurting someone that looks like your ally, but Izutsumi’s quick to interrupt.  “We’ll discuss this later.” She leaves your side.  Preparing your weapon with a deep breath, you prepare to fight off the waves of succubi ahead.

It’s only when you and Izutsumi assemble all the bodies of your allies does she finally speak up.

She really isn’t interested in the ‘hot gossip’ like Marcille would be.  In her own rough way, Izutsumi is more just expressing worry for you.

She doesn’t overall react to the fact it’s Chilchuck that you saw.  It was just sort of an “Oh!” before she remembered that this succubus will steal your life force.

“So, you just wanted to protect me?” At your conclusion, Izutsumi growls.  She faces away from you as she drags over a succubus to drain into Senshi’s pot. “When you put it like that,” she grumbles, “it makes it sound all virtuous and sappy.” You laugh, reaching over to pat Izutsumi’s head.  “I appreciate it very much, thank you Izutsumi.” Maybe it’s the fact she just had to confront this ‘mother’ the succubi took the form of, but the cat girl feels at ease when you show affection to her.  She sighs, giving up on the argument quicker than she normally would.

That is to say… she wouldn’t not tease you.

She’d hand you some of the milk, poured into a bowl.  “Here, for Chilchuck.”

Your face contorts in confusion.  “Why me?”

“So you can get all close and intimate and stuff.”

“Izutsumi.”

She wants to support you both!  She just… doesn’t really care.

The party has woken up, and by now Marcille has spoken up, “what were your succubi like?  Laios?  Oh, what about yours?” She turns to you, her green eyes glimmering with curiosity.  Cheeks and tip of her ears flushed, it’s hard to miss what exactly she’s on about. You sheepishly laugh anyway, your mind recalling the lowered eyelids, the words spoken to you by the succubus.  “I don’t know if I…” “Hey, don’t pressure her to say things like that.” Chilchuck’s voice cuts through the air, and makes you jump.  He’s at your side, shooing Marcille away.  “That stuff’s usually private for a reason.  If she wants to say, she will.” It doesn’t go unnoticed how Chilchuck doesn’t say a word when Marcille instead asks Laios for details on his succubus, though. Though you should be glad Izutsumi isn’t awake to see this.  If she was, she’d be rolling her eyes and bemoaning how nauseating the pining was to herself.  So, maybe taking things to the grave is for the better.

[a-polite-melody]

God, since the whole “bear vs man” thing came up again

Everything I’ve seen said in defence of using this as a framework to mean something has always relied on a cherry picking of stats and broad application of those to serve bio- and/or gender-essentialism.

The question is meant to be a direct reference to the fact that there were women hikers on TikTok actively stating that in their experience they end up more afraid coming across a man than a bear because if the bear were to attack at least people would believe that.

Great—same if a woman attacked you in the woods. You’d probably actually be believed more if your story is assault by a man than assault by a woman, even though I’d definitely agree that assault by bear would be believed more readily than either.

But men are more statistically likely to commit violent crime! So actually it makes sense that people would be more afraid to meet a man over a bear instead of a woman over a bear!

And people close to you are more statistically likely to commit violent crimes against you than strangers are, and yet I’m not seeing people out here using that statistic to demonize the idea of close friends going hiking together by-way-of “would you rather go hiking in a remote area alone and come across a bear or would you rather trade-off that bear encounter with a having gone with a friend?” Even though you’re even more likely to be violently assaulted by someone you know than some random man you encounter, so you’d think that the same people wanting to enforce fear of being in remote areas with strange men would want to enforce fear of being in remote areas with those you’re close with.

The thing is, what they’re doing is reinforcing their own bio/gender-essentialism (or sometimes reinforcing a trauma response, or both at once, but I’m specifically talking about the bio/gender-essentialism in this post (and also reinforcing stranger danger stuff they may have internalized but that’s even further digression)), as I said, by cherry picking which statistics they’re using to speak about the dangers of existing in the world.

And this isn’t even getting into how many other unstated assumptions are going on in the reading of the question and subsequent answer of it—just to quickly point out one: the assumption that we’re dealing with a potentially malicious man pops up very quickly in a lot of discussions, but I don’t often see people making similar assumption of the bear they’re considering being a bear that is more likely to aggress at you than the average bear (for example, by you unknowingly being between a mother bear and her cubs, by the bear being seriously ill or injured…)

But yeah, anyway, all of this to say that the “man vs bear” thing serves no utility beyond maybe dissecting the question further to see in what other ways we as people will create new ways to serve up the same bio-/gender-essentialism.

[inuyashaluver]

leah williamson:

reader and leah arguing who is taking who’s last name when they get married

petty arguments - leah williamson

leah williamson x reader

description: in which you and your fiancé, leah argue about who’s last name each other will take, depending on your teammates to settle the argument

warnings: swearing, slight angst

a/n: hiii!! thank you so much for this request, this was extremely fun to write, hope you enjoy! 🫶

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

your fiancé, leah williamson proposed to you after the lionesses won the euros. after the win, you collapsed on your knees, sobbing, getting pulled up beth, she told you to look up at the big screen.

“(y/n) (y/l/n), will you marry me?”

your hands cover your face in shock, crying even harder and you turn around to see your special blondie on one knee, looking up at you, tearfully smiling.

“make me even happier than you already do, baby, marry me?”

“yes!”

she stands up, putting the ring on, pulling you into a searing kiss and hoisting you up on her waist. you hug her tightly, whispering in her ear, telling her how much you love her.

the crowd erupted and cried even harder that their favourite couple was now engaged.

the team ran up and piled on top of both of you, confetti surrounding all of you. everyone got up excitedly to go and meet their families. you and leah staying on the ground making ‘snow angels’ within the confetti, looking at each other full of love.

down the track, you and leah never discussed fine details of your wedding. so busy with the upcoming season, but also just wanting to relish in the love rather than the finer details. both of you thought you were on the same page. oh boy, if only both of you knew.

-much later-

“I can’t fucking believe you, I can’t even look at you right now” leah slammed the car door,

“leah cathrine williamson! you are being so ridiculous right now, I can’t believe you!” you exclaimed, chasing after her after slamming your own door in response.

the team was playing music in the lioness changing room getting ready for training. relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. well, until you and leah came crashing in.

“don’t talk to me right now, (y/n), I’m fucking furious”

“and you think I’m not! you’re fucking ridiculous, leah! this is absolute bullshit.”

millie and mary were the standing the closest to both of you, each of them grabbing one of you, slightly pulling you apart.

“woah! first name basis for both of you, smitten kittens” millie says, looking between both of you. ella and alessia let out a small chuckle, stopping immediately when you and leah both glare at them.

“leah, you’re the captain, love. I’d ask you to be the peace maker but you’re kinda disrupting the peace.” millie laughs at her own joke and you try not to crack a smile

“wipe that fucking smile off your face right now, (y/n) or so help me-”

“both of you shut the fuck up! what’s wrong?”

“tell her, leah, go on” you tilt your head at her,

“no.” she glared at you

“see! because you know it’s stupid!”

“it is not!”

“enough! (y/n) (y/l/n), you tell us what’s going on right now.” millie nudges you, you look at someone for comfort. lucy nods at you, encouraging you to speak.

“well, leah and I had a little disagreement-”

“yeah, little” ella mutters, alessia slaps her hard on the arm and you let out a little laugh, leah trying to hold in her own, clearing her throat.

“we-” you pause “we don’t know who’s last name to take when we get married” you exhale, looking at the floor and shifting your weight between your legs.

“are you having a laugh?” millie yells. she really yelled.

you flinch and leah instinctively went to go and protect you. stopping in place realising the reality of the situation.

“it’s a big deal!” leah exclaims and the whole team groans,

“nah, I’m not having this. training. now.” leah storms out. you immediately go to follow her.

everyone, under captain's orders began to warm up. you keep slight distance between you and leah. sending yearning gazes at her the entire time. little did you know she was doing the same. both of you were pouting. miserable that you’re arguing.

the team was doing laps around the field, leah running alone right at the front. you sprint to catch up with her.

“hi” you exhale, finally reaching her, she looks down at you next to her and immediately looks back to her front.

“hey” you smile and move closer to her,

“speaking to me now, huh? you can’t resist me” she tries incredibly hard to contain her smile. you grin harder seeing her fighting her emotions.

“I don’t want to fight anymore, baby, please” leah perks up at your term of endearment, your argument clearly diminished.

“oh thank god.” she breathes out.

you both stop in place and the team continues to run past. not wanting to interrupt you. even sarina taking the hint.

“baby, I just wish you would understand what I’m trying to say to you.” leah pleaded, pouting at you and grabbing your hand in hers, rubbing her thumb over your knuckles.

“love, you’re not listening to me either,” you softly smile at her,

“let’s both try this again, hm?” leah said smiling, you nod at her.

“I want nothing more than to be a williamson, love, ever since we started dating.” leah’s heart swelled at your confession,

“but, baby, I feel the same, what? you think I won’t suit (y/l/n)?”

“you suit everything, are you joking?” she laughs and lightly pushes your shoulder.

“I just think we should be the williamsons”

“but we can be (y/l/n)s” she nodded at you “huh, huh?” she smiles,

“we’re never going to settle this” you pinch your nose bridge.

“stay here, baby, I’ll be right back” she grabbed your face in between her hands, giving you a sweet peck before running off to the change rooms. she comes back to you with two jerseys in her hand. yours and hers.

the team was now doing team drills, looking back and forth between you and leah, concerned. you both hardly ever fought. you were very big on communication and everyone was surprised the argument was happening in the first place.

leah grabbed the hem of your shirt, sliding her hands on your waist and taking of your training top, leaving you just in your sports bra.

“woah! take me out to dinner first, missy!”

she gives you a quick kiss again and you whine when she pulls you away, she raises her eyebrow at you,

“when we get home”

she puts her jersey on you, slightly too long on your figure. in return, she quickly takes off her own, smirking when you whistle at her abs, lightly grazing your fingers on them until she shrugs on your jersey.

she grabs your hand and pulls you over to where the rest of the team was.

“girls! team meeting!” she yells, everyone immediately rounds up, looking at their captain expectedly, excited to see your close contact but containing it.

leah grabs your shoulders turning you around before turning around herself.

“which last name suits better?” leah questions, she misses the mocking smiles occurring behind her.

light chatter occurs, leah grabs your hand again and plays around with your fingers, you move closer to her and rest your head on her shoulder. you both heard giggling behind you but chose to just enjoy the moment in solitude together.

“I like williamson better!” alessia shouts, “nah, less, you’ve got it all wrong! (y/l/n) is so much better” ella rebuttals. now, the entire lioness team including the staff and sarina was arguing like you were this morning.

you and leah look at each other in horror. “what have we done?” leah says looking down at you, moving to rest her head in your neck, arms around your waist while you gently scratch her back with your nails.

“right! enough!” leah yells, moving from you. she claps her hands together and everyone looks at her for the big decision, “this didn’t help so let’s just drop it”

maya, the sweetheart put her hand up and you and leah smile, “go ahead mai”

“why don’t you both take each name? (y/l/n)-williamson or something?” everyone but you and leah made noises of agreement, clapping maya on the back for her genius thought.

you and leah look at each other, mouths open.

“you’re telling me, you didn’t think of that” maya asks.

“um” you started, “no” leah finished and you lightly slap her arm. everyone bursts out in laughter. to escape it, leah picks you up bridal style and runs around the field, you scream in enjoyment. everyone watches you with big grins, they loved seeing the both of you so happy, a complete turn around from this morning.

the petty arguments between you two were truly for nothing. you both finally settled on a last name that you were both apart of, you both couldn’t be happier.

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

you know the drill - just imagine it’s you 🤭

liked by ellatoone and 44,232

leahwilliamsonn: (y/l/n)-williamson for the win! @/yourname

view all comments

yourname: yeah baby!

mayaletissier: this was all me

↳ leahwilliamsonn: yep!

↳ yourname: yep! thank you maya baby

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

blue butterflies

pairing: jackson! joel miller x reader

cws/tags: 1st person pov joel, angst, discussions of sex trafficking/sexual assault, death, mild smut, au where nothing bad happens between ellie and joel, author has not played tlou 2 yet (donate to kofi lmao), guns, alcohol consumption, light enemies to lovers, cordyceps works different in this one (more predictable and slower-acting)

summary: joel's letter to reader

a/n: i watched the beginning of tlou (joel playing guitar) and it made me cry so hard. so, this is inspired by that, but also i listened to funeral by arcade fire and for emma, forever ago by bon iver while writing this. neighborhood #4 (7 kettles) by arcade fire makes me cry so hard.

wc: 5.7k

taglist: @gothcsz @harriedandharassed @withonly-sweetheart

thank you to @jennaispunk for beta reading/proofreading !

join my taglist | purchase a commission

divider is from @danowh0re

playlist for fic: required listening!!

I thought therapy was a bunch of bullshit - a scam at worst, a waste of my time at best. But, since you left us, Tommy’s been making me go. He keeps saying, ‘it’s what she would’ve wanted’, and I think it is. But, that doesn’t mean I like it. 

My therapist told me if I’m not gonna talk to her about my past, I should at least talk to someone. I told her I’d talk to you, if you were here. She told me it was a good idea, that I should write it out in a letter. She told me I could write to you, or to Sarah, but I figured I’d better write to you ‘cause there’s some things a daughter shouldn’t hear about her dad. Even - especially - the most fun times he’s had. I’ll get to those later. 

Did you know I hated you when we first met? I never told you, but I think you knew. I thought you were a self-important, entitled bitch who acted like she’d been through hell when I knew she hadn’t because of how well-adjusted she seemed. I thought you had some sort of unearned valor. I know that’s not the right way to put it. I think the word I’m looking for is ‘respect’. Tommy, Maria, even Ellie were so quick to respect you when I had to earn it. 

“The reason people don’t like you is because you’re an asshole,” you told me. “You’re fucking scary when you’re mad, too.”

“What’s that saying? It’s better to be feared than to be loved?”

“That’s what Machiavelli said, but that doesn’t mean he’s right.”

I think he was wrong. I was jealous of how much everyone loved you, and they didn’t love me because they feared me. You were so fucking right, and that was one of the things that I hated most about you. 

I used to think about how young you were in comparison to an old man like me, how you were only a little younger than Sarah would’ve been, and how stupid I would’ve felt if Sarah was always outsmarting me. Until I remembered all the times that Sarah did just that, and how much I loved her for it, rather than in spite of it. (Note to self: tell Sarah this in your letter to her). 

That’s not to say I loved you, not yet. I did love you, but I realized that a little later. I had to learn to like you first. 

Do you remember our first day out on patrol together? I begged Tommy to change my schedule. I would rather have spent my time with anyone else in the community -- Hell, I would’ve asked Tommy to give you a day off if it’d get me out of having to work alongside you. 

You overheard me talking to Tommy, and said to me, “You could at least wait until I’m out of earshot to bitch about me, you know?”

“I know,” I said. 

And we didn’t talk for almost the whole shift. Well, I didn’t talk, but you kept on talking, almost like you were talking to yourself. You didn’t even care that I was ignoring you. 

“It’s okay. I don’t like people either.”

“Who says I don’t like people?”

“Your face, your voice, basically your whole demeanor.”

You were so honest, and you had every right to be. It shut me right back up again. I don’t know if that’s what you wanted. Maybe you thought provoking me would make me talk, but I’m a stubborn, old asshole. I don’t think you need me to tell you that.  

“What did I do to piss you off?” You asked, after I gave you what you viewed as the silent treatment, and what I saw as peace and quiet. 

“Nothing. I just think you’re a little bit... egotistical.”

“So are you. You think you know everything.”

“No, but I know more than you. You haven’t got half the experience I have, and believe me, kid, you don’t want it.”

“You’re so melodramatic. And for what? Has the brooding bad boy behavior gotten you laid yet?”

For your information, yes, it had absolutely gotten me laid.  

But before I could tell you that, you stopped me, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “and by the way, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Tell me, then.”

“Tell you what?”

“About all the horrors you’ve experienced. If I’m so wrong, then prove it.” I challenged you because I thought you wouldn’t be able to come up with anything. I wouldn’t have said that if I’d known what I do now. 

You were so angry that you laughed at me. “Fuck you. You don’t deserve to know shit about me.”

A couple weeks later we knew each other’s whole life stories. I told you more than I’ve ever told anyone else, more than I think I ever will tell anyone else. It started when we got lost in the woods together. We were arguing as usual, and we only got ourselves even more lost. The sun was starting to go down, and I could see it in your eyes - you were getting scared. Maybe, for a second, I took some sort of satisfaction in knowing that you were the one who couldn’t handle it, but I’m still human - it feels a little cruel saying that now - so I wasn’t gonna let you suffer. 

“It’s not gonna do us any good to keep arguing, so can we agree to drop it?”

“Truce,” you said, holding out your hand, and when I shook it, you added, “but let it be known that you surrendered.”

“Don’t push it. You know if we stay out here long enough that we have to resort to eating each other’s flesh, you’re gonna be my dinner, not the other way around.”

“I hope I taste good.” 

You did, baby. You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. 

I think we had our first date that night. Sort of. It was late when we got back. Most people were asleep, and the bar was closed, but you had the key. 

“Tommy gave you a spare key?”

“Uh-huh. I assumed you had one too, but I guess I’m the favorite.”

“You’re prettier than me. Of course, you are.” 

I still can’t believe I said that -- I wasn’t even drinking yet. I can be a real idiot when I’m talking to a beautiful woman. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You looked very pretty when you bothered to wash your hair last week.”

“I wash my hair, okay? Sorry I’m old and don’t wake up looking like a supermodel.”

“Who does?”

“I know you want me to say ‘you’, but I’m not taking the bait.”

“That’s okay. I know you’re thinking it, and that’s what matters.”

I was thinking much more than that, darling. 

You walked behind the counter, and asked me, “what do you drink?”, and I think that was the moment I knew I liked you. You could’ve --should’ve -- told me to fuck off. You had other friends (not that we were quite ‘friends’), but you chose me that night. I was a real fixer-upper of a companion, but maybe you liked a challenge. 

“Whiskey. Neat.”

You gave me that look -- that fuckin’ look -- that raised eyebrow and a tiny smirk. And it made me feel like a teenager caught staring at his crush. 

“Please and thank you," I added. 

You got up on the stool behind the bar, grabbed the bottle on the top shelf, and said, “you deserve it.”

“No, I don’t,” I said. “But I’ll take it.”

You sat beside me, and sipped your whiskey. (And you looked pretty hot doing it.) After a good minute of silence you said, “thank you for not killing me and eating me in the woods.”

“I’d get pretty goddamn bored if I didn’t have you yapping in my ear constantly.”

“I thought you hated it.”

“Only sometimes.”

“Then, why don’t you ever talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you right now.”

“Barely.”

So, I turned to you, put my elbow on the counter, laid my head in my hand, and gave you the same face you were giving me. I tried to pretend I was mocking you, but I think you knew I was trying to practice being more likable, being more like you. 

“Tell me something,” you said.

“What do you want me to tell you?”

“Tell me about you.”

“My name is Joel Miller-”

“We’re not at AA.”

“You’re goddamn right we’re not. This would be the shittiest AA meeting ever.”

“Okay, okay. How about you tell me when your birthday is?”

“September 26th, 1981.”

“So, you’re a Libra.”

“Oh c’mon, tell me you’re not into that shit. I was finally starting to tolerate you.”

“I’m a Cancer.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Cancer like the crab, not like the disease!”

“Mm-hmm. I’m sure you’re familiar with crabs as well.”

I got a laugh and a smack on the arm in return, and the laugh was worth the smack. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you can’t help being an asshole, so at least you’re making me laugh.”

I didn’t realize your hand was still on my arm until you asked me, “What’d you do before this? You’ve got nice arm muscles.”

“I worked in construction, I was a contractor.”

“Like a carpenter?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what Jesus was. I bet he had good arm muscles.”

“I don’t think that’s his most notable feature, but sure, why not?”

Despite the fact that we were talking all things Jesus, you were feeling me up. And you weren’t subtle about it at all. 

“Do you wanna play darts?” you asked, breaking the tension.

“Okay.”

You walked up to the dartboard all confident, and I expected an instant bullseye. You’d only had one drink and you were focusing so hard, practicing the swing of your arm like a golfer would. The first shot missed the board entirely.

And that’s when I learned you were awful at darts. 

“You’re terrible at this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then, why’d you ask me to play?”

“For fun. Plus, how else am I gonna get better?”

You weren’t even close to the bullseye. You weren’t even hitting the board at all half the time. Over the next couple of years, you got better, not a lot better -- I still won every game we ever played -- but you got closer. But, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, as they say. It probably counts in terms of people too -- I like to think our closeness counted for something, even if it couldn't last forever.

“You’re lucky you’re pretty," I said.

“You’re lucky you’re good at darts," you fired back.

“Is that an insult? Because I’m holding a sharp object and I’ve got good aim.” And with that, I threw the final dart, hit the bullseye, and won. “What do I get?”

“For what?”

“Winning.”

“You get to keep your pride.”

I was happy with that, but you turned back to me, stepped closer and whispered, “and this,” before you kissed me. 

I don’t know which one of us was more nervous. All I knew was that I liked you a lot more when you were quiet. All I heard from you was a little gasp when I lifted you onto the counter so I could keep kissing you without having to lean down and hurt my back ‘cause I’m an old man. I really thought my brooding bad boy look was gonna get me laid again that night, but you stopped me before I could get your top off. 

“Uh-uh,” you said. “You’re gonna have to do more than beat me at darts if you want more than a kiss.”

“Fair enough. What’s your price?”

“I’m not a hooker.”

I didn’t understand why you looked so upset until that day by the water when you told me. I’m sorry I said that, I really am.

“Sorry. What I should’ve said is, ‘Can I take you to dinner on Friday?’”

You gave me a nonchalant ‘sure’, and I assumed you’d keep it hush-hush, but you bragged about getting asked out. Why would you brag about me? That's something I still don't understand.

The next day, I went and asked Tommy for advice because I hadn’t dated in a long time, and he’s more of the romantic type. I thought our dinner date would be news to him, but you’d already told him. 

“Yeah, I know. She came in here asking for advice too actually.” 

He’s got a bigger mouth than you do. That’s why you two got along so well -- you were like those little old ladies gossiping at the hair salon. 

“What’d she say?”

“I’m sworn to secrecy.”

But Tommy always had a certain loyalty to you. He keeps your secrets to this day -- some of ‘em. 

“Give me some advice, please.”

“You were married once. You won a woman’s heart. Just do what you did back then.”

“I think you’re forgetting the fact that my marriage ended in divorce.”

“Just be yourself.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Yeah, it is. How about smiling for once?”

I tried, but I’d almost forgotten how to over the years. 

Tommy feigned disgust and said, “I take it back. Keep your usual pissed-off look.”

You taught me how to smile again. I don’t know that you meant to do it, but you did. Tommy says he knows when I’m thinking about you because of the way I smile. 

When I came over to pick you up for dinner, you opened the door wearing a bathrobe with your hair in curlers. I guess I was looking at you funny because you made sure to tell me, “Don’t worry, I’m not wearing this out. Go sit in the living room.”

“I’m not worried. You look beautiful already.”

“I do not. I look like my grandmother.”

“I imagine she must’ve been a hot commodity then.”

“She was actually -- or at least, that’s the story she used to tell us. She was Prom Queen and all that jazz.”

You could talk for hours, about anything. I could say one word and you could give me a tangentially related 20 minute long monologue. You were a good storyteller. I don’t think I ever told you this, but I used to think about how you’d be great at making up stories for our kids one day -- if we ever had them. I know I told you I didn’t want to have any, but that’s one of the few lies I told you. I was too scared to imagine that kind of a future with you. 

I had you in the present, and that’s what I cared about. I don’t remember what you wore that night because I spent most of our date looking at your face, trying to memorize every dimple, freckle or scar I could see. All the details.

I’m sure your dress fit perfectly, but what I cared about was how your hand felt when I took it in mine as we walked to the restaurant -- it felt right, more so with our fingers intertwined on the way home. 

It was one of the longest dinner dates in my not-so-long history of dating as it took you quite a while to finish your meal because you don’t talk with your mouth full (usually). I think our waitress was mad that we were there for so long. They were cleaning up by the time you were done eating. 

I don’t remember all the things you said. Even if I did, I don’t have enough paper to write it all down. But I do remember when you asked me, “Can I tell you a secret?” 

“Sure.” 

“This is my first date.”

I would’ve been less surprised if you’d told me you’d killed someone.

“Mine too,” I said. 

“Liar! Tommy said you were married... before all of this.”

“Does Tommy tell you everything about me?”

“No. He wouldn’t tell me when your birthday was. That’s why I asked you.”

“That’s ‘cause he forgot it.”

Really, I wanted to know if he told you about Sarah, or if I’d have to do it myself. Both. As it turned out, he told you before we ever really met. I told you by the river, but that came later. 

When I walked you home, we lingered by your door, and when I leaned in to kiss you goodnight, you turned your head, and I should’ve realized how special you were to me ‘cause I felt my heart sink. But, you asked me to come inside. You were always shy about kissing in public, but not on your living room couch. 

When we were inside, you let me take off your dress, but only after I agreed to take off my shirt. 

“Jesus,” you said when you watched me undress. 

“We talked enough about Jesus last time. It’s about you and me now, baby.”

I learned to be a gentleman growing up in Texas, that wining and dining a lady includes putting her first in the bedroom too. But you called the shots -- that night and all of the others we had together. You got down on your knees and gave me the most irresistible face. It was embarrassing how quickly I came. It’s still embarrassing, and you’re not even here to tease me about it anymore. I thought I’d get the chance to prove myself to you that night, but you stopped me. I remembered what you said, ‘this is my first date’, and I assumed you were a virgin. 

It was about a week later when I was trying to teach you how to skip rocks in the river that I asked you if you were one. 

“It’s not a big deal if you are -- not to me, I mean. I just figured maybe because you said that was your first date.”

“It’s kind of a long story, so take a seat if you want the answer.”

I don’t know what I expected you to say, but I already felt like I’d fucked up by asking. I didn’t want to make this mess I’d gotten myself into worse than it already was, so I sat next to you and waited for you to speak. 

“It’s not actually a long story, I guess. Just a sad one.”

It was the first sad story you told me, and you told me more stories than I’d ever been told by anyone else at this point. It was impressive how many happy ones you held onto, especially after everything that you told me that day. 

You didn’t look at me while you spoke. You mumbled and picked at the grass beneath you. Like a child. 

“I’m not a virgin, but I wasn’t lying when I said that was my first date. There’s just some stuff that you don’t know about me... ‘cause I didn’t want you to know these things about me. But it’s not like I was ever gonna get away with not telling you. It’s better that it happens now anyway.”

You started to cry, so I put my hand on your shoulder, but you shrugged it off. I was so used to the one doing the pushing away that being pushed away was jarring. 

“Before I came to Jackson, I used to do things for money. Those sorts of things. It’s not like I wanted to, ‘cause I’m not like that, you know.”

You explained how you’d lost both your parents by the time you were 16 and didn’t have any siblings, so you ended up with whatever friends you could find. Some of the few good people that were left. 

“There was a group of men who killed my friends just to loot their pockets, but they realized that it’d be more profitable to keep me alive.”

“So they forced you to...”

“Have sex for supplies, yeah. One of them was my first time, I guess. They did that stuff for a while, but once I’d been with a decent amount of men, they decided I was too ‘used up’ or something to be worth having sex with. I can’t decide if that made me feel better or worse. On the one hand, I didn’t have to have sex with them anymore, but I was also too gross to be wanted.”

“’Used up’ is bullshit. Back when the world was a little more civilized, those bastards could’ve gone to jail.”

“They’re dead.”

“Did you kill ‘em?”

“No, but I thought about it all the time. I remember thinking about strangling a man once. He was alone, so no one would’ve seen me do it, and the guys could’ve taken all of his shit too. They probably would’ve been happy if I had. I think that’s why I didn’t.”

“If you didn’t kill them, then how did they die?”

It probably wasn’t appropriate for me to pry, but the sadistic part of me needed to know that they got what was coming for them. I needed to know there was some justice left in this world. 

“They wanted food from some guy who’d gone hunting and they tried to sell me to him, but he said ‘no’. He looked so offended that I thought I was pissed off ‘cause they’d given him a bad deal... but he shot the one standing in front of him. Then, he yelled at me to turn around and I was sure I was gonna die, but I heard him walk into the other room, another shot, and when the third walked in from outside, another shot. He walked over to me, and I started crying and begging him not to kill me. He told me he wasn’t going to, but he made me close my eyes while he led me out of the house.”

“’Cause he didn’t want you to see the bodies.”

“Yeah... and I still thought he was going to kill me, even when he took me with him on his horse, and said he was taking me back to some place called ‘Jackson’.” 

I don’t know if I would say you got a happy ending, at least, not the one you deserved, but I saw a hint of a smile when you mentioned Jackson. And you didn’t have to tell me who the man was -- I know him well. 

“Tommy,” I said, confident in my guess.

“Yeah.”

After I dropped you off at home, I went by his place and thanked him. And then I went home and cried. For the first time in a decade.

“You know it doesn’t change how I feel about you, right?”

“How do you feel about me?”

“I like you… most of the time.” 

What I meant was, I love you. I just didn’t know it yet. 

“I guess I owe you a story too, then.”

“You don’t owe me anything... but you can tell me whatever you want.”

I think part of me wanted to tell you, or at least, part of me wanted you to know. “I had a daughter.”

“I know.”

I should’ve known, considering how close you and Tommy were.

“Tommy told you, didn’t he?”

“To be fair to him, he told me he had a niece.”

“Yeah, he did. She’d be a little older than you. It’s crazy to think that she’d be in her 30s when the last time I saw her she was 13.”

“I know saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t really do anything, but I’m still sorry”

“In a way, I’m glad she doesn’t have to see all these things. All the infected. She died before we ever had to go to a QZ.”

When you told me about the first QZ you lived in as a kid, it confirmed that for me. It pained me to hear about you watching your dad get bitten and leaving him behind, saying goodbye without knowing he was dying -- in one way or another. 

You told me later about how the only person you’d ever killed was your own mother, how she used to sell herself like you did, how you missed the first shot and you saw how scared she was to die. I think you had it worse than I did. 

“I think she was mostly scared because she knew I couldn’t do shit with a gun, and that I’d end up surviving the way that she did... and she was right.”

“Neither of you deserved it, and I bet she’d be proud of you now.”

“Why?”

“’Cause I’m proud of you.”

You cried, but you finally let me hold you. You cried so long that I thought you’d never stop. 

Do you remember your last day? I told you I wanted to be with you until the end, but you reminded me about your mother. You told me that even if a shot to the head had to be the way you went out, I wasn’t going to be there to give it to you. We had two choices: either wait until that day came or let you go before then. I said I wanted to go with you. I wanted to ask Tommy to give me the same cocktail he was gonna cook up for you. You said no. It was your last wish that I stayed. 

“I don’t wanna live without you.”

“I don’t wanna die, but I don’t get to choose. If I could live longer, I would. But just because I’m dying doesn’t mean you get to leave everyone else behind.”

Yeah, you brought Ellie into it. I wanted to tell you not to bring her up. I’m glad you did because as much as it hurt to think about her watching me die the way that I watched you die, it made me stay. I’m glad I stayed. Things are okay, but our last day is still my favorite day. 

We got up early and watched the sunrise, and I told you I loved you for the first time.

“I know,” you said with a smile on your face. 

“How?” 

You just lifted your coffee cup. When you moved in -- something I didn’t realize was happening ‘till it had already happened -- I started making coffee every morning before you woke up, and I started buying that French Vanilla bullshit creamer. I hated it. It was so sweet it made me nauseous. I could’ve gone and bought my own, but I’m still stubborn, I’m still a cheapskate, I’m still me -- even without you (which is something I thought I’d never be able to say). But that wasn’t why I started taking my coffee the same way you took yours.

It was one day when you’d already left for work but my shift didn’t start until later. I hadn’t slept at all the night before -- and not for any good reason, not for more time with you -- so I was tired when I woke up. I made myself some coffee, but I wasn’t even thinking straight, so I hadn’t noticed that I had put that creamer in my mug until I tasted it. But I wasn’t disgusted. I thought maybe you’d left yours behind and I’d absent-mindedly picked the wrong one up off the counter -- I very well could’ve gotten caught up in putting the toaster on the right settings (that’s something we could never agree on) -- but when I looked down, it was my mug. Yours was dirty in the sink. You were gone for the day. I was stupid to think otherwise. I was fantasizing. That was new. 

So, just as I am right now, I take my morning coffee like you took yours. It tastes like you, like you kissing me. 

I waited anxiously for you to say you loved me too. 

“Are you not gonna say it back? Do you not-- do you feel the same?”

“What do you think?”

“I hope so.”

You gestured for me to come closer so you could whisper in my ear and I thought maybe you’d give me a wet willy. But you said, “Joel Miller, I have loved you for a long time.”

I didn’t say anything. I don’t think I’ve ever been very good with words -- talking was your thing. I grabbed your hand and squeezed. We went out onto the porch and sat in silence. I wonder what you were thinking about. 

“Will you sing me something?”

You know I don’t take requests, and you know I don’t like an audience, no matter how small that audience is. 

No one would refuse the wish of a dying woman, but I couldn’t refuse you even if I knew you’d be there tomorrow and every day after. I only protest because you look cute when you beg. Not in that way -- you look hot when you beg like that. 

“What song do you want?”

“Surprise me.”

I sang Peaceful Easy Feeling because, as much as a part of me felt a sense of urgency, knowing our time was running out, most of me was just thinking about you, and I love you. Simple as that. 

You gave me a standing ovation just to see me blush. 

We all planned something special for your last dinner. I know you like simple things, so I tried to make it as simple as I could while still making it special for you. Maybe it was selfish to make it a night to remember when I’m the one who gets to remember it. 

Tommy and Maria were chef and sous-chef (you can guess who was who in that scenario), and Ellie was the waitress. 

“What are your specials tonight?” you asked. 

“We have either the steak and baked potato or the steak without the baked potato.”

“In that case, I’d like it with the baked potato.”

We probably lit a hundred candles to fill the room with enough light to see each other -- we had time while you were getting ready, since you’re a bit of a slowpoke. We picked flowers from the garden and put them in an empty wine bottle because we couldn’t find a vase, and conjured up a decent tablecloth. We had ice cream sundaes for dessert -- or at least, you did. You know what I had for dessert. 

“How about you, sir, would you like anything for dessert?” Ellie asked. 

“No, I think I’ll be having dessert when we get home.” I tried to subtly wink at you. 

“Ew! That’s disgusting. I don’t wanna hear about your sex life.”

“You’re the one assuming I was talking about sex. How do you know I don’t have a tub of ice cream waiting for me in the freezer at home?”

There was ice cream in the freezer, but the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted was between your legs. The moment we got home I picked you up bridal style and carried you up to our bedroom. 

“Baby, I know how long you spent getting ready, and I’m sorry to do this to you, but this needs to come off,” I said before I yanked down the zipper of your dress. You laughed as I ripped off your clothes. 

You gently undid my tie and when I watched you fumble with the buttons on my shirt, I said, “Just rip it, baby.”

“I don’t wanna ruin your clothes.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me or my clothes tonight. I want you to have me however you want me.”

“You’ll do whatever I want?”

“Within reason.”

“How do you feel about roleplay?”

“I suppose it depends -- what are the roles?”

“Husband and wife.”

“As long as I can be the husband.”

And then you kissed me -- with your typical tenderness but a new level of dedication. Slow and passionate, showing me what our lives could’ve been like. 

“I’m an impatient husband, and I want my beautiful wife to lie down because I think I’m gonna lose my mind if I don’t get to taste her.”

My mouth is useless when it comes to talking, but we both know I have other uses for it. I tried to go slowly, but I couldn't help myself. I swear your pussy was so perfect it made me reconsider my views on God. Though, I don’t think I am a man deserving of an angel. I think I just got lucky. 

That night I couldn’t care less about how loud you were. “Joel- fuck- you’re gonna have to slow down, or, or, put your hand over my mouth ‘cause - oh!”

“’Cause you don’t want anyone to hear? What’s the problem with them hearing, darlin’? Married couples make love all the time, it’s what we’re supposed to do.”

Without a condom, too. We weren’t worried about you getting pregnant, so we went out with the best bang of ‘em all. I think the last time I’d done it like that was when Sarah was conceived, and based on how easy that was, I was always cautious. 

Husband and wife roleplay wasn’t very different from the sex we typically had. I guess we were really only a piece of paper and wedding bands away from being those ‘characters’. 

Earlier that day, I was worried I wouldn’t sleep that night. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to savor every moment with you but when you curled up in my arms I fell asleep before I could even consider staying awake. 

Waking up next to you was my last clear image, even our goodbye kiss was a little blurry ‘cause I was already a little teary-eyed. 

But before that, over breakfast, you mentioned something that I’ve thought about every day since. 

“You know how sometimes people see a bird or something and they’re like ‘oh, that’s my dead relative’?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll come back as a butterfly. One of the blue ones. You don’t see those too often. I don’t want to be something too common, like a bird, then you’ll probably mistake someone else for me.”

I don’t think I had seen a blue butterfly in Jackson until after you’d left us, but there’s one outside my window right now. 

In case it’s you, I’ll read this all aloud. 

Forever yours, 

Joel 

[midnight-melancholiaaa]

‘what the fuck was up with that first sol and mae conversation’ - an acolyte ep6 theory/analysis post

I think the start of this episode unfortunately put to bed the theories that Sol was aware of Mae’s identity and baited her onto the ship. So that got me thinking — at what point in the conversation did Sol realise he wasn’t speaking to Osha? What tipped him off? And, generally, what the fuck was that conversation??? Sol??? Hello?????

I think all of this can be explained, and the layers of their conversation peeled back in an interesting way, if Sol realised Mae’s identity earlier than I’d first assumed. I now think a few flags early in the conversation tipped him off, and a lot of his later lines are his response to Mae clearly projecting her own feelings onto “Osha”.

Theory/analysis below the cut!

First off, Mae’s lines and behaviour when she emerges from the engine room are dispassionate in a way we don’t expect from Osha. There’s an argument that this could look to Sol like someone numb with grief and putting on a functional face, but I’m going to list this as Red Flag Number 1. When she asks Sol what’s up with him, she sounds more confused and curious than she does concerned, again not something that tracks as Osha.

However, I think the red flag that dooms Mae is in the following exchange.

“How could I not have sensed that villain’s true intentions when we first met him on Olega”

“I think when you really want something, it can cloud your mind” (Sol looks up) “You see what you want to see. He fooled us all.”

These are some JUICY lines. We’re clearly encouraged to think of their pertinence to Sol, and the Order’s current ignorance of the dark side threat, as well as Sol’s own personal blinders with the Brendok mystery. But this is also the first time we see something key for the rest of this conversation - Mae blatantly projecting her own feelings onto half-hearted mimicry of what she assumes Osha might say.

In her projection, she expresses her own frustration at being misled by the Master, at wanting to believe his structure for Mae’s revenge against the jedi, and hence his shaping of Mae’s life path, was meaningful. I’ve seen Osha’s loneliness discussed a lot by the fandom, but Mae is winning a gold medal in the loneliness contest. She’s spent 16 years desperately searching for someone who understands her in the way she thought Osha did, and whatever kinship she hoped the Master had for her has just shattered. This adds another layer to her too-casual reaction to Sol’s grief. She doesn’t expect a Jedi to feel such love for their padawan, not just because she views the Jedi as dispassionate (which we’ll come back to later), but because her master never felt that way about her. In all these lines, Mae’s betrayal comes across beautifully.

But the mimicry of Osha? Mae failgirls that one. We know Osha to be a straightforward, direct person, rather than someone to speak in riddles, or spout superficially Jedi-style wisdoms with a distinctly-Mae core of cynicism.

This touches on another repeated theme of this scene — Mae clearly doesn’t understand how Osha feels about the Jedi, in a way that speaks to larger issues with understanding her sister as a person separate from herself, with different thought processes and values. When Mae speaks as Osha, it’s hard to tell what’s Mae speaking directly as herself, or Mae as how she thinks Osha thinks, but there isn’t much difference between those two — Mae assumes Osha reacts to situations as Mae would, treating her as a half of the same whole.

Feel free to skip this tangent if you’re just here for the Sol theory!!!!

I think it goes beyond not understanding Osha’s point of view — as the lovely @animazi put it, it’s as if Mae cannot conceive of Osha being a person outside their sisterly relationship and Mae’s coven-derived identity. It’s a complete disconnect of empathy, in that it doesn’t occur to Mae that she should try to empathise.

Mae wants to believe that they are fundamentally the same person. “You see what you want to see.” Mae wants to believe the only reason she and Osha are different is because one has been “corrupted” by the Jedi. She recognises that outside influences and different formative experiences have torn her apart from her sister, but she wants to believe that if Osha was plucked away from the Jedi, if she was taught rather than corrupted (haha I love this episode title), if she knew the ‘truth’ about Brendok, they could revert to a perfect sisterly harmony. A harmony based on Mae’s conception of them.

So of COURSE she doesn’t try to empathise with Osha’s current way of seeing, when she views it as both temporary and fixable, corrupted and false. Mae believes that, as soon as the falsehoods are stripped away, Osha will be herself again, in that Osha will be Mae. Mae believes Osha is simply Mae under a fragile Jedi veneer, explaining why so many of her lines in this scene are essentially Mae talking, with a half-hearted Osha bent.

Apologies for that detour, back to the scene. It’s very striking to me how Sol looks up for the first time in the middle of Mae’s mini-speech. There’s many interpretations for this look, yes, and you could argue he’s having a crisis about the Sol-related clouded vision stuff I mentioned earlier.

But he seems confused, almost frightened, and then the camera comes back to him after Mae finishes, and I think this is the moment.

Please look at these shots and tell me that’s not the face of someone for whom a thousand things have just clicked into place. We see him harden into some new realisation, and then…

“You found him.” (meaningful pause) “Your PIP droid.”

This line is such a non-sequitur that it’s actually what drove me to take another look at this scene. I assumed it was some janky prequel-esque dialogue, but now I’m not so sure. Saying “you found him” so soon after some ominous looks from Sol and the discussion of Qimir could, at the very least, be a nod to Mae’s role in everyone’s brush with the dark side. But, even then, Sol’s deflection to the droid doesn’t make full sense. And then I thought ‘oh shit’…………

After rewatching Episode 5, I’m convinced that Sol is aware PIP was sacrificed and really should not be back with “Osha”. For somebody afraid and grieving and running for their life to calmly find and fix their droid is… not Osha. It’s as if Sol raises the incriminating subject right after his realisation, just to confirm it to himself. And Mae, though slightly nervous, hands him that confirmation on a platter.

To bring back the clouded judgement line again, Sol was blinded. He wanted to have saved Osha, because he could not save anyone else. He wanted to have not failed Osha for the third time. Brendok, leaving the Order, now. It’s Sol in that room, looking at the holo. He wanted to have learned from his mistakes.

But now he knows it is NOT Osha, and the conversation gets 5000% more interesting. To me, his next few lines are gently testing Mae, playing along to see if he can evoke a reaction or a slip from her — if she’ll come clean or double down into the lie. It’s fascinating the way he’s half addressing a hypothetical Osha, and half addressing Mae.

So, first the droid lines, to see if Mae notices her mistake, and then…

“I noticed the way you take care of him, talk to him, love him. Even though he is just a machine.”

This seems like something meant for Osha. It’s something Mae would expect of her sister’s overabundance of compassion, and so something that won’t make her suspicious. But I think the implication of Osha’s loneliness is deliberate, in that we know Mae is also deeply lonely and searching for connection in places it isn’t reciprocated. Down to you if you think the machine allegory is in reference to Mae’s master, and what that might say about Sol’s view of Qimir, or if this is a more take-it-as-written line, but I think it still emotionally resonates with Mae even if she doesn’t want it to. Her expression in this pause does seem to imply as much.

At the end of this speech, Sol moves into that area of shadowy lighting, which I WILL discuss later.

Mae’s response, “I’ve always been like that. Even when I was little,” is also very telling. It’s her reminiscence of child Osha, as loving the small things, and having more reservations about… force-manipulating space hummingbirds? But, with Sol’s double meaning, this line is true of Mae too. Mae’s tendency to love clingily, desperately, in ways that aren’t “appropriate”, as we see in flashback Mae’s attempts to make her sister stay.

And then Sol’s response, a simple “I know”, fits this double conversation too. There’s a parental exhaustion, a heartache for his padawan, and his own (involuntary?) empathy for Mae, the abandoned sister. I think this’ll hit even harder once we know what happened on Brendok — Sol clearly knows more about Mae than he ‘should’.

The pause after this feels heavy, tense, even disappointed. Sol knows that Mae’s resigned to the act. With all this context and lead-up, Sol’s cagey behaviour in the last part of this scene now makes SO much more sense to me.

“I had to lose a lot of myself in order to become a Jedi. Even if I didn’t know it at the time.”

I think this is said to provoke Sol into guilt, but speaks to Mae’s false conceptions of the Jedi, and they way they approach love — she assumes Osha must have had to lose her compassion. More importantly, this shows Mae still does not understand Osha’s motivations for joining the Jedi, and remains emotionally raw about it. How could her “compassionate” sister choose to leave the family who loved her? How could she abandon Mae if the Jedi had not “corrupted” her, had not taken that compassion and loyalty away?

She wants to believe in the Jedi as a stealing, malign influence, because she wants to attribute Osha’s departure to anything other than the fact that Osha and Mae are, at their core, different people. In believing they are the same, Mae still cannot fathom why Osha would choose to lose their family, their coven, their grander destiny, and above all their sisterhood, because this is something Mae would never choose. So of course Mae does not see what Osha loved about the Jedi, of course Mae views the Jedi as merely an agent of loss. A false dream that she must “kill” to bring Osha back to her.

(And this is without even going into whatever the hell the Jedi did on Brendok!)

“I’m sorry if you feel that way.”

All this contextualises Sol’s cagey almost-apology. His body language is SO closed off and suspicious. I don’t think he’s even pretending to speak to Osha at this point — this is directly to Mae. He loves his padawan and supports her decision to join the Order, but regrets the collateral of that decision — a decision he still views as right.

I think that explains a lot about his reaction. He freezes up in the face of Mae’s depth of feeling, and is caught between his empathy and his loyalty to Osha. I’ll agree this is NOT the way to apologise to someone, but what he says is true to Sol — he’s not sorry Osha made the choice she did. But he’s sorry that Mae feels this way, has processed her loss the way she has. The reveal of what happened on Brendok will finalise what level of dickish this is, but it is at least LESS dickish than him saying this to Osha 😭

“How could I feel any other way” is exactly what I’ve said earlier. Mae cannot fathom how Osha could feel any differently than Mae does.

And Sol avoids her eyes and sighs. I think it’s a mixture of regret, of resignation, and of still struggling to confront his own mistakes. That avoidance comes through in the final part of their conversation — a part I’m still struggling to unpack, though I think next week will reveal all.

We’ve seen Sol make several insistences that he’d tell Osha the truth about Brendok, and even this episode we see him prepared to tell the council. So his avoidance now is intriguing. You could argue that he was always going to quail from telling Osha, the way he kept promising it and then delaying it, but I think there’s something else going on.

I think now he knows it’s Mae, the person most damaged by his actions on Brendok, he falters. Aside from Mae’s specific victimhood, there’s also a difference between facing up to someone you trust and hope will have sympathy for you, and facing up to someone who’s just shown how wedded she is to her own way of seeing. The realisation that this is Mae has come so suddenly that in this moment he freezes and avoids. His coldness here is also notable — you could almost think that he resents Mae a little, for ruining this moment that was supposed to be Osha’s.

But is he really doing this for Osha? Did he want Osha to know for her own sake now she’s an adult and the protection excuse is wearing thin, or did he want to seek absolution from her? Is he hoping for a level of forgiveness that he cannot get from Mae? I guess we’ll find out next week…….

A few more notes on Sol before I finish…

Yes this is finally about the shadow thing. My first reaction to this was “hey leslye, what the fuck, OW.” Aside from the classic symbolism of a character stepping into shadow, this specific barred shadow is super reminiscent of the scene where Anakin speaks to Yoda in Revenge of The Sith. Given the topic of that conversation was about fear, passion and anger as paths to the dark side, a topic that Qimir also brings up this episode, I don’t think this is coincidental.

That said, I don’t think the shadows are straightforward Sol-will-fall symbolism. I think they’re emblematic of the emotions he’s struggling with as soon as he realises Mae’s identity. Fear, of the consequences Mae represents more than any other person. Defensiveness from her anger at him and her challenges to his worldview (and, lest we forget, the fact that she could still try to harm him). Perhaps some anger towards HER, for taking Osha, and this moment with Osha as he’d envisioned it, away from him. Anger for her role in the deaths of the other Jedi, at himself for the role HE had in creating Mae’s revenge. But, warring with these darker impulses, also regret, pity, sorrow for his padawan’s sister. That final remorse, in the way his face just slightly changes before the lights come up and the shadows disappear. Such symbolism Leslye I am eating the walls.

Don’t get me wrong, Sol is a man on the edge and I’m excited (afraid?) to see which way the narrative takes him. I think he’s written deliberately enigmatic this episode, and his later scenes will make more sense next week. I have no idea why he switched off his comms and hyperspace jumped instead of facing up to the council. Well, that’s a lie, I have a few ideas…

The scene of Mae in restraints is also ambiguous, though I think it links back to Sol’s surprise at Mae’s identity, and initial freezing up when he realises he’s lost control of the Brendok-reveal. That final scene is him grasping for control back, to control some of his fears and put him in a (metanarrative) place where he feels able to monologue on his own terms next episode. I actually have a lot more thoughts on this scene, and the hyperspace jump, AND some predictions for next week, but they won’t fit in this post. Here [part 2] they are instead!

We’re absolutely meant to doubt Sol this episode. I think Teach/Corrupt is, like much of Episode 6, a title of deliberate double meaning. But I’m also struck by the fear and sorrow in his face in that lovely shot where he shoots Mae through the doorway. His fond, regretful tone of voice in “Oh, Mae…” Not to be Star Wars cliche, but I suspect the good in Sol will win out. If it doesn’t then that’s a heartbreaking twist and I’ll probably throw myself into the ocean!

Either way, this is an episodic mystery show and, much as I can unpick some of Sol and Mae’s behaviour, we’ll only know the full story with hindsight. Here’s to hoping at least some of my theory holds up, and thank you for reading!!!!!!

The Sol Patrol shall forge bravely (and perhaps delusionally) onwards! <3

[anthurak]

Why I think Grimm!Summer is Going to Happen

So over the last few months I’ve seen a bit of discussion and theorizing on the prospect of Grimm!Summer actually being a red-herring for an even bigger reveal, such as Summer having actually joined Salem and is working with her entirely willingly. With what seems to be a decent chunk of this idea borne out of the idea that Ruby just straight up figuring out the Grimm!Summer twist in Volume 8 feeling like an ‘obvious’ setup for a fakeout.

The thing is (and this is rather ironic given that I was pushing the idea of Grimm!Summer being a red-herring pre-Volume 9), I think we’re not only getting Grimm-Hybrid Summer, but also that Ruby’s big ‘That’s what happened to Mom…’ theory in Volume 8 is actually basically LEGIT. And furthermore, that the writers have actually kind of ‘locked in’ Grimm!Summer to the point that doing some kind of fake-out would significantly undermine and even outright contradict some major plot points in Volume 8.

But to begin, let’s talk about “That’s what happened to Mom…”

The thing is, I totally get why some people might be suspicious of a fake-out here. After all, the main character essentially piecing together what is clearly a massive twist BEFORE the big reveal is something we very much DON’T normally see. This is basically Luke Skywalker walking out of the Dagobah cave in Episode V, sitting down next to Yoda with an absolutely HAUNTED look and straight up stating: “Vader is my father, isn’t he?”

But when has RWBY ever done things NORMAL with fantasy tropes? And Ruby in particular has always been a very ATYPICAL protagonist. So I’d say RWBY’s heroine piecing together a major reveal ahead of time would actually be rather appropriate.

Furthermore, I think what we see play out in this scene is actually very important to one of RWBY’s major overriding narratives: The counterpoint to the repeated use of Unreliable Narrators. With how much RWBY has made use of this trope, that naturally raises the question ‘How can we/the characters be sure of ANYTHING?’ And I think we’re seeing the answer here:

The characters have to piece the answers together themselves.

Ruby finding out that her mother was taken by Salem and turned into a horrific grimm hybrid monstrosity is very much NOT a case of the Unreliable Narrator. Nobody TOLD Ruby this information, she simply figured it out herself.

First, Ruby learned from Tyrian back in Volume 4 that Salem specifically wants her alive.

Then in Volume 6, Ruby learned from Maria that Salem used to simply have Silver Eyed Warriors hunted down and killed. Meaning that something must have changed between Maria’s time and now.

Then in Volume 7, Ruby learned that her mother apparently MET Salem on that fateful final mission of hers.

Finally in Volume 8, Ruby sees this horrifying, monstrous Grimm Hybrid that Salem has created… with a Silver Eyed Warrior inside it.

And with that, the pieces fall into place:

As Ruby herself puts it: “Salem used to kill people with Silver Eyes, like Maria. But she’s always wanted ME alive. But why would that change unless… When she met Mom, she learned she could do something new.”

This isn’t even the first time the show has done something like this. Back in Volume 6, Maria’s and Ruby’s theory that the Silver Eyes originate from or are otherwise connected to the God of Light is NOT something they are ‘told’ but rather something they infer based on observations made during Jinn’s vision.

Given how much RWBY has made use of Unreliable Narrators, I think it’s actually only natural that the information our heroines come across and piece together themselves would be the far more legit answers.

Obviously it might not be the whole story, but it is at least the START of it.

Next let’s talk about Grimm!Summer herself and why I think Summer turning out to have joined and is serving Salem entirely willingly… doesn’t really WORK with everything that’s been set up so far.

The thing is, the big Hound reveal in Volume 8 essentially ‘locks-in’ Summer being the ‘Patient Zero’ of Salem’s whole Grimm Hybrid project. Again, as Ruby herself laid out; Salem used to kill people with Silver Eyes. But now she seems to want them, like Ruby, alive. And it turns out she actually met Summer Rose in the meantime. And now Salem is making horrific Grimm Hybrids using Silver Eyes Warriors. Ergo, meeting Summer is when Salem ‘learned she could do something new’.

So if Grimm!Summer turns out to be a red-herring… then WHERE did the Hybrids come from? Are we supposed to find out that ‘Oh, it wasn’t actually Summer, but rather thanks to some OTHER Silver Eyed Warrior who also just so happened to fight Salem that she learned she could start making Grimm Hybrids��?

Because I don’t think I need to explain why that would be an EXTREMELY UNSATISFYING as a twist. In the ‘red-herring that exists ONLY to be a red-herring’ kind of way.

And with Grimm!Summer as the starting point of Salem’s Hybrids essentially locked-in, I think that kills any possibility that Summer has joined and is working with Salem willingly. After all, I think it’s hard to imagine Summer working with/for Salem fully willingly if she’s also spent years as effectively the Patient Zero for Salem’s twisted hybrid experiments. As I’ve stated elsewhere, I think Summer’s mental state at this point is that she’s ‘willingly’ working for Salem, but only because she’s been so psychologically BROKEN by everything she’s been put through.

Finally, there’s this idea that Ruby ‘figuring out the twist’ in Volume 8 somehow ‘kills the reveal’ of Summer being a Grimm Hybrid. To which I not only VEHEMENTLY disagree with, but I also think it actually MASSIVELY ratchets up the tension surrounding Summer’s fate going forward.

Thanks to essentially figuring the reveal out early, now Ruby has to LIVE with this knowledge. Now this fact of Summer not only being alive, but likely some terrible grimm monstrosity can LOOM over Ruby, Yang, Weiss and Blake, as well as Qrow, Raven, Tai and others who were close to Summer once RWBY fills them in. Going forward, this knowledge will be sitting ominously in the back of Ruby’s mind. I mean it’s pretty clear that this was one of the things weighing HEAVILY on Ruby during Volume 9.

And it gives the appearance of more Grimm Hybrid further down the line an ominous, haunting inevitability for Ruby and her family. Because now she KNOWS that one of these monstrosities isn’t just a silver-eyed warrior like her, but her MOTHER.

It’s basically Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘bomb under the table’ theorem applied to long-form storytelling.

All in all, I do think there’s certainly a lot of really interesting ideas to Summer joining Salem willingly. I just think they don’t line up with where the story seems to be going.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

While I don’t think the senti-kid story necessarily works if the writers wanted to keep the show focused on kids, I think it would’ve gone over a bit better if it was just Felix who was the senti, rather than also Adrien and Kagami (especially Kagami, she was a complete retcon in that regard).

Picture this:

Gabriel, Emilie, and Natalie find the Miraculous (Butterfly and Peacock) because they have an expensive hobby (archeology/collecting rare items, as wealthy people like to do), not because they need the magic at all. They just heard a rumor of an old Tibetan monastery and wanted to check it out, got lucky in finding the two jewels. The Peacock doesn’t even have to be broken.

We can keep the basics of the backstory shown in Representation- minus the detail of Adrien being made with the Peacock. Gabriel and Emilie conceive Adrien normally, but Colt and Amelie aren’t able to like in canon, so Colt has that same jealous outburst at Gabriel. Because Emilie feels bad for her sister, and Gabriel sees an opportunity to make a deal, they lend, or maybe trade, the Peacock to them to create a child. As in canon, Colt uses it, and his jealousy makes Felix a physical copy of Adrien.

Emilie gets sick for non-magical reasons. (I wouldn’t mind having her use it for funsies and not realizing it was broken, but it’s very obviously cracked, and I can’t imagine at least one of their two kwamis not giving them a warning.) As for what happens to Colt, I’m on the fence about him being alive in present times because that kind of abuse is really heavy, so maybe he just dies for unsaid reasons (though I vote Amelie poisoned him or something).

This version would allow for a really cool contrast between Adrien and Felix’s stories and characters. You have Adrien, a normal human, capable of disobedience, but who bends easily under others and is a people-pleaser. Versus Felix, a senti being magically compelled to obey orders of whoever has his amok, but fights to be free every chance he gets. That contrast would also further Felix’s frustration and jealousy of Adrien, in addition to his own father’s hatred of him and being identical to his cousin, because Felix would kill for Adrien’s free will, but he squanders it. But then there’s also the issue that he’s essentially victim blaming Adrien, not realizing that magic isn’t the only way to force obedience- not to mention ignoring the times that Adrien did stand up for himself (like running away to school). I think that would be a really great discussion of free will, how jealousy can blind you, family conflict (and resolution), and how different kinds of abuse/trauma aren’t automatically better than each other just because they’re opposites (ex: someone with heatstroke shouldn’t be jealous of someone with frostbite. Both suck.) The intensity might be worse for each circumstance (since Felix has magical abuse and physical+verbal abuse), but he would be in the wrong for saying Adrien has it easy.

(I think at this point my ADHD is over-explaining, so I’ll leave it at that lol)

Do you think a route like that would’ve improved the show at all? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

The sentiplot has many issues and one of the big ones is that it's not a great fit for a show where Marinette is the one and only main character. They've given Kagami, Felix, and Adrien this massive weight that begs for them to take center stage for at least a few episodes, but probably a whole season or two. The show isn't going to do that, so it's near impossible to really fix the sentiplot without truly massive changes to canon.

That being said, I think that this idea would have vastly improved the sentiplot in its current form! Right now, the senti thing truly doesn't matter to Adrien's character. His mom could have gotten sick for any random reason and the only meaningful change would be that Gabriel couldn't use the rings to keep Adrienette from kissing that one time. Outside of that, Adrien's status has no meaningful effect on the story. It doesn't even keep him out of the final! He does that on his own! The senti thing is just there for cheap drama.

There's also the issue that the current storyline makes the Agreste's look awful which is clearly not the story's goal. Emilie is supposed to be an angel and Gabriel is supposed to be a grief-stricken man who loves his family. That doesn't fit with the kind of monsters who would make a magical designer slave to be their child and then wear his control rings around as daily accessories. Remember, they picked their freaking wedding rings for his slave collars! Most people wear those every day. The implications are nasty!

It makes way more sense for the Agreste's to have the peacock for more mundane reasons and for Colt to get it somehow. Maybe even have him steal it after he finds out about it to really remove the Ageste's from the perfect slave child issue. This allows for the contrast between Gabriel and Colt that canon so clearly wanted, but failed to write. It also makes Felix's actions towards Adrien make way more sense. It feels like canon Felix hates Adrien and we still don't know why that is.

As nebulous as Felix's character is, he still feels like the kind of character who needs to be tied to something like the sentiplot. It's part of the reason I don't think I can use him in my own stuff. The sentiplot is - or at least should be - such a major, defining thing for him that the only possible way to use him is to keep that plot or to give him a plot about freeing the Kwamis since they're also slaves and his abusive childhood could make him feel a bond with them.

Focusing the sentistruggle on Felix instead of spreading it out to include Adrien and Kagami would also keep the sentistuff from dominating the story. Making the male romantic lead an artificial being without true free will whose creation killed his mother is a massive thing that needs to be the focus of his character for the rest of the story. People are on the edge of their seats waiting for Adrien to learn the truth and want this to be a big plot. I do not think they're going to get that, but they should.

Having a side character be the artificial human allows this to be something that is dealt with and then Felix either leaves or fades into the background once his story is over because his story allowed to have an ending whenever they want it to. That's not true for Adrien. Adrien's ending is happily every after with Marinette and the sentiplot needlessly complicates that plan because it means that Adrien's character is always going to be center stage, making people want the sentiplot to mean something since it's apparently impossible for him to ever be a real boy who has true free will. That's such a massive thing that it begs for Adrien to be the main character, which is an asinine writing choice. I have no idea why they keep giving Adrien all this massive narrative weight. You don't do that if you want the female romantic lead to be the main focus! You do it if you want them to be true costars or if you want the male lead to get the majority of the focus. This is writing 101!

As you said at the top, I'm not sure how well this works for a show aimed at five-year-olds because it's still a pretty heavy stuff, but as a general idea, I'd be down to watch it! I didn't have a ton to add to this one because your pitch was already excellent!

[lurkingshan]

Hi genuine question, i totally get what you mean with gmmtv but isn't branded pairs something that's pretty common among the thai bl industry in general? Not just with gmmtv. We have zeenunew, boumprem (before joining gmmtv), maxtul (before seperating), mosbank, yinwar, fortpeat... etc, where a lot of their shows are just to serve the bigger picture of selling a pair? I get that gmmtv is overselling it, i myself don't follow their stuff anymore (albeit i don't really watch thai bl) but isn't this a discussion that fits the industry as a whole?

Hello! Most definitely, branded pairs is A Thing across the Thai bl industry and not just at GMMTV. A broader discussion of the pros and cons of that system would necessarily include most of the Thai studios producing bl. But my post earlier wasn’t tackling that precisely, more the way GMMTV is using their pairs and how it’s affecting their shows. There are a few aspects to this:

They are routinely using branded pairs in shows where one or both of them is miscast, but they must be partnered and promoted and that gets prioritized over the story.

Many of their recent shows are essentially just vehicles for churning out ship moments, with weak writing and consistent story and characterization always secondary to getting a cute moment with virality potential on film.

There are clear signs of interference in the storytelling where actors who are part of branded pairs, and thus considered active revenue streams, must end up together and must also have their images protected even if it interferes with their characters.

They also constantly make in-jokes and meta references to the pairs’ other couples in new shows, encouraging fans to blur the lines between the actors and the characters.

They are the biggest studio in Thailand, quickly growing into total market domination, and they have a huge number of actors on their roster. Almost none of them have publicly acknowledged romantic partners. Their talent are expected to commit to their assigned ships, hide their personal lives, and perform queerness publicly as their job while being restricted in private.

Speaking of, their shows are feeling increasingly confused on the existence of homophobia in their fictional universes and it has been an active problem affecting the story in several recent bls. GMMTV is not often putting out content that feels genuinely informed by queer experience, whereas other Thai studios most certainly are.

They have more resources than any other studio in the Thai bl space, and they absolutely could invest in good writing and stronger productions to tell better stories if they wanted to. But they don’t, because that is not their primary objective.

I’ll just add as a final point that this matters because GMMTV is so influential in the Thai bl space. What they do sets a precedent for other studios and for the larger industry. If they wanted to lead on creating an industry that was more supportive of good storytelling, that was more responsible about fan and actor interactions, that was more concerned about their talent as full human beings rather than as commodities, they could, and there are other studios making honest efforts towards those goals. I’d rather give them more of my time, dollars, and attention.

[ironunderstands]

Not a question, just very happy it's not just me loving IP3 (or trans Ratio for that matter). Yap away on both

Ugh I love them both so much

Most of my headcanons are when I find something to be better and/or more interesting than it is in canon, or something that’s a great extension of canon, and that’s exactly what trans Ratio is to me.

It takes his already present insecurities and squares them, as now the doctor has to contend with not just being a SMART enough man, but being a smart enough MAN, and adding that extra layer of misery and complexity is just so delightful.

By taking a character racked by self doubt and adding another layer to it, like Ratio being trans, you complicate his current insecurities and give new perspectives to look at them from.

Like in canon Ratio exercises so much because he wants to be the most perfect, best version of himself and has been doing it since a very young age (middle school).

But then you add him being trans to that, and suddenly he’s not just combating being perceived as not good enough, he’s combating being perceived entirely, attempting to try and get others to view him the way he really is, and attempting to live up to whatever masculine ideal that would push away his dysphoria, something prominent within his life from a young age.

I’ve kinda dived into this within my fics about it, but I like the idea that Ratio keeps this a secret from everyone- and I mean everyone. He already doesn’t live up to his own expectations of himself, so to have the rest of the galaxy find out that he doesn’t live up to their expectations of him either (ie being a cis man I mean you cannot tell me there aren’t like hundreds of people in universe begging for his uh- yeah), it would crush him.

I mean considering how guarded he is already, adding another thing to hide behind that alabaster mask would be fun, even if I think Ratio is likely at least a decade post-op + post-transition, so it’s not like he has to bind or anything, but the threat is still there. Especially considering his well known love of baths- imagine if he avoided the public baths at his home planet (considering how heavily Greek/Roman inspired Ratio is), and how that might affected him growing up, or just the tendency of shirtlessness in general.

There’s just a lot of possibilities and intricacies to it that makes me really like this particular headcanon, and it will always be canon in my heart haha. I have some more silly things behind it, like me wanting to give Aventio and Ratiopaz biological kids because it would be cute, or just the inherent joy of the big buff guy actually being the trans one rather than who you would expect it to be/who it’s stereotypically made as- Aventurine, as I like when characters have traits you don’t expect them to possess.

I also tend to dislike Aventurine being made ftm because he’s implied to be an SA survivor and rep for amab victims is already kinda abysmal so I don’t like taking it away, also I just think it’s boring tbh, at least for me it just doesn’t interest me.

Trans Topaz is a whole other discussion, personally I think she’s mtnb, and more femme presenting (I’d make her use she/they in my fics it’s just pronoun swapping when writing polyamory is miserable and anybody who’s ever written it can attest to that 😭, it’s there in spirit I promise!)

I honestly don’t have deep reasons behind this one, it’s just pure vibes. Someone was like, “Topaz gives nonbinary” once on here and I’m like yeah, yeah she does 😭. She reminds me of Childe a lot and I also view him as nonbinary so she’s kinda in a similar boat.

I think she’s very motherly but like in the way Mother Nature is if that makes sense? Mother is mothering but she’s also a creature tm* and certified tax collecting humanity loving entity. Also I have a close friend who’s a trans woman and Topaz reminds me of her so like, bam ur trans now lol (hi Alice if ur seeing this).

As for Aventiopaz, I fear I’d need a whole other post dedicated to why I like them. You guys know why I like Aventio, Avenpaz also require a whole other yap session, and Ratiopaz is the best rarepair ever fight me. Generally I like it because it’s really sweet, the dynamic is hilarious, they are the power trio of all time, they have great gameplay synergy, and their designs complement each other a lot- being primary colors and all.

I also enjoy their individual unique relationships to the IPC and how that might affect their interactions with one another, both in canon and in my brain. Moreover the trio of coworkers who are well known around the office for a) getting the job done and b) being absolutely obnoxious around one another (in a good way) is incredibly fun and I enjoy the idea of all the shenanigans they would get up to.

Perhaps my next Aventiopaz fic would be them going on a mission together or something, as I definitely want to write another one, and also update my slideshow of the parents au, I’ve just been so busy and a bit unmotivated 😭 so hopefully I can get to that soon

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

okay so we know that if reader tried to be creepy towards yves about sexual stuff he would cut them off (and/or traumatize them if they went even further).

but what would happen if yves set up their perfect meet-cute, they started dating, and after a while reader tried to initiate sex. and yves is like oh, no. explains his whole thing about only doing it like once a month, and on his terms. and reader is like oh, okay! i totally respect that!

and then the next day, they sit down for dinner, and reader essentially tries to break up with him? basically just saying i don’t think this will work out between us, i’d really like a partner who i have very regular sex with even if not every day, but you’re really cool and really nice and i’d love to stay friends :)

how would yves react? i feel like he wouldn’t traumatize them because they didn’t actually do anything wrong, but he’s also been super clear about being monogamous so he doesn’t seem like the type to allow reader to pursue a sort of fwb relationship on the side? that is, if reader even wanted to have a side relationship just for sex, they might only want one relationship and need it to be both romantic and regularly sexual.

another thought that’s sort of tied to this: what if yves was dating a reader who, because they couldn’t successfully initiate sex and were told not to try ever again the one time they tried, and because yves so rarely initiates sex, started feeling really self conscious and like they aren’t worth having sex with? like even with yves being such a sweetheart and loving on them all the time, the lack of sex really gets to them and makes them feel undesirable?

sincerely, a very shy anon (who is Constantly Horny and also gets insecure)

Tw: sexual stuff, drugging

The thing is, Yves would have already known that you're seeking for a more sexually fulfilling relationship with someone. It depends on your personality, is it a must that you have to touch him in ways he wished you wouldn't? Is it a must for Yves to touch you in ways he rather not? Even with his 'interventions'? Then, Yves has no choice but to let go of the idea of being your romantic partner. It doesn't mean he will abandon you, he will assume the role of a smothering monster-in-law.

However, if he already knows the ins and outs of your body, the limits of how much he could drug you without any adverse effects, Yves wouldn't mention about sex at all. He would take it slow, letting the relationship progress until you're comfortable to discuss such proclivities or attempt to make the first move. The longer you're with Yves, the more you feel loved and spoiled by his riches and acts of services.

But... By the time you would usually feel undesirable due to a lack of sexual initiation from Yves, you would find yourself saying "yuck" to anything related to genitalia. Perhaps even feeling glad that Yves didn't see you in that light yet, dreading the day where you have to say no to him.

Hell, maybe you wouldn't even care to initiate it either, you somehow lost interest in something you used to crave badly and you don't know why. The idea of it feels... Dull, boring and maybe overbearing, it's like eating the same meal repeatedly to the point it makes you nauseous thinking about it. The thought of being horny and getting off your bed to work for that orgasm makes you go "Ugh, do I have to?"

Assuming that you masturbate to alleviate your frustrations, you suddenly find that your stimulating toys would just not do it for you anymore. Neither would your fingers, nor pornography. You just feel... Nothing. No tingles, no drive and no desire to chase that high you were once addicted to. It feels tedious as if you're doing a soul sucking chore, you would rather cuddle with Yves instead, fully clothed too with each other's hands away from the major erogenous zones.

You wouldn't notice it. The change would be so gradual that you wouldn't realize your favorite sex toy is collecting a layer of dust under your bed. The idea of Yves going anywhere near your crotch never crossed your mind, why would it? You're not interested in doing the tango with him and neither is he, and you would like to keep it that way in order to avoid the awkwardness of rejection.

You never visited your favourite erotic sites anymore and you're not yearning for that excitement, you have lost a core part of yourself and you are none the wiser.

And that's how Yves likes it; to let yourself be pampered by him in every way except one. What you don't know will never hurt you.

[cleolinda]

Creepypasta: The Dionaea House (2004-2006)

I wanted to post a few of my favorite creepypasta/Weird Internet Fiction stories this month, so of course one of the first I looked up was "The Dionaea House." Dated somewhere back around 2004-2006, it's one of the earliest entries in the genre; I’m not sure how many people know about it now, but Back in the Day, it was one of the creepypasta classics. Then, while researching all this, I discovered to my utter astonishment that it was written by Eric Heisserer—who wrote the Oscar-nominated screenplay for Arrival and is currently best known here, I'd bet, as the show runner of Netflix’s Shadow and Bone.

Years ago, the story was at dionaea-house.com (now offline), and it was the kind of thing you'd stumble across somehow—maybe on a friend's recommendation, maybe from a forum discussion—and then lose yourself in for a whole afternoon. It starts out as the story of a fictionalized Eric posting the emails of an old buddy, Mark, who's trying to figure out why their friend Drew... snapped. And "Eric" is posting these emails because Mark now has disappeared. And before too long... someone else has to pick up the story. Because it turns out that, at the heart of the mystery, there is a house, and going to that house is a mistake. I would describe it a little like House of Leaves, except also smelling like cake, and projecting out to multiple locations rather than pulling you into one infinite labyrinth. Also, a shit ton easier to read.

Relatively speaking, at least. "The Dionaea House" started out as “emails” posted on a blog at that original URL [unofficial mirror], then spun out into a Blogspot, an AIM chat, two separate Livejournals, and multiple commenters interacting on them. Some of them seem to be strangers walking in off the street, as it were, but the trick is, we don’t know which commenters are part of the story, which gives the “flesh puppet” comments, for example, a weird jolt of realism:

(I would like to think “TELL THE HOUSE TO FUCK OFF” is one of the in-story commenters, honestly; I like to think this is who I’d be in a horror story.)

So while "The Dionaea House" doesn't have the single-minded realism of "Ted the Caver," the blog-and-comment format—a found document subgenre for the 21st century—also allows for multiple perspectives. (I’ve lost count of the number of protagonists the house consumes, but it’s at least three, maybe four.) Tumblr is currently in year two of the Dracula Daily read-along, and I’ve always argued that Dracula was a techno-thriller for the nineteenth century: correspondence, newspaper articles, diaries, and even audio journaling on a phonograph. Emails, blogs, chats, phone messages, comments, and an article about the murder-suicide that starts the story—“The Dionaea House” is pretty much in the same multi-perspective, multimedia genre. Unlike Stoker’s bound novel, however, “The Dionaea House” wanders the physical space of the internet, and it trusts that either you'll see that the story has a new branch, or you won't, and that's okay.

In fact, I'm not sure if Eric Heisserer didn't know how to bring the story to a conclusion, or he got busy and couldn't keep going—or maybe there is an ending and I just never found it. (The Loreen Mathers blog doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me and seems like one giant loose end, although the mention of engineer-occultist Jack Parsons adds a new dimension at the last minute.) But as with "Ted the Caver," the lack of a concrete ending makes sense for a shaggy dog story like this, as frustrating as it might be. Maybe Loreen got got, just like everyone else! Isn’t “disappearing before explaining what the hell she’s talking about” exactly what that would look like? We don’t know! If there's a scary house and you manage to burn it down to the ground in a complex denouement, that's a story. If there's a scary house out there, somewhere, and we'll never know how it came to be or what happened to the people who tried to take it on—that's a creepypasta. That’s a legend.

[marengogo]

NAKED - 6: I’d Rather Be …

Listening to the playlist bts sexy songs

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Why hello my Lovergurls, Loverbois and Loverenbies! It’s been a minute since I made a Naked post, hasn’t it? Well, need something fun to do tonight, so given a particular development that came to light because of the AYS behind the scenes, I decided that it would be fun to point out a couple of things, while we look at a couple of chronologically very interesting fact at least to me, they are quite interesting I even have a tin-hat moment for y’all! … So ⚠️SPOILER ALERT⚠️if you don’t want any AYS VOD Behind The Scenes spoilers, this is not the post for you. Ayte? Cool, lesgo! 😘💋

The date is July 13, 2023. JM, and his perfectly shaven legs, get into a flight to NYC. Nobody knows why. Most of his solos assume he must be going for a personal schedule that has nothing to do with JK. Most Jkkrs assume that he is going to support JK. Boat Blue Bird AMI feel a certain way about airport info which they can’t be completely blamed for tbh, so they completely ignore the whole thing.  

At this very moment in time, all we know for sure are the following 3 things: 1. JK’s solo first single, Seven, will be released July 14, 2023. 2. JK will debut said single with a live performance on Good Morning America on that same July 14. 3. July 14 also just so happens to be Silver Day. So it is that the evening of the 13th of July pulls up and pictures of what seem to be JM and JK going about the streets of NYC start surfacing. Some believe them, some don’t and we are all left at that.

July 14, 2023, the following day, finally arrives. JK does amazing, despite the rain, and even though he let’s it slip that JM is somewhere in NYC because of a very curious TV-host, he manages to still keep JM’s presence very vague. Yet, the thing that will have the majority that was paying attention except for celebrating Capulets of course rather confused, and some even aghast, is the fact that JM was nowhere to be found at JK’s performance. This will eventually be a topic of discussion for months to come, given how JM had been physically present for every other member’s debut, release, live, or fanmeet. 

Eventually, on the July 15th a video of who seem to be JM and JK on a yacht surfaces on the world wide web thanks to said yacht’s dickhead owner, as well as tells of various other people who begin to spot the two around Connecticut. As always, most AMI ignore, Jkkrs decide to die on that hill, and Capulets fight to deny everything. Regardless, eventually JM goes back to Seoul in the same way he had left, alone, and the reason for his visit to NYC, because at this point nobody believes he was in Connecticut, or even with JK at all remains a mystery.

Little did we know that: On July 13th, not only were JM & JK truly spotted skipping around NYC, after they’d gone eating at a Korean restaurant named Antoya, with their staff and crew,

but JM had indeed gone specifically for the sole objective of being with JK and filming a single travel vlog for AMI before they left for the military. 

Could he not have just shown up for JK’s debut at GMA, just like he’d done with all the other members? Yes, I’m sure he could have, but apparently JM would rather have spent the night before leisurely with JK, perhaps getting him tired enough to have him at least sleep a little, so that he’d be ready for his performance the following day, rather than staying awake from nerves and/or excitement, to then eventually relaxedly go and film their carefree and “therapeutic” content. 

Eventually, we’d also have confirmed the fact that JM & JK went back to Antoya, this time alone, most likely right before JM returned to Seoul. 

The date is September 23, 2023. Jungkook is once again in NYC where, and within the walls of a very familiar hotel room, he starts a WEVERSE live, right after he’s done performing at the Global Citizen Festival in Central Park:

That very day Jimin has the world in hysterics as his posts his first #ThisIsJimin reel on IG many “cried”: it was emotional. This very night JK would also get on a flight to get back to Seoul. JK lands September 24, 2023 and nothing would be heard neither of him, or JM, on this day. 

#ThisIsJimin 1

September 25, 2023 quickly comes by and from this day, for a couple of more days, JM start’s to be particularly active on IG, making us believe that “Okay, interactive JM is back!” … 🤡 by first posting a video of Tae. 

Tae Surprise Performance

September 28 he posts a picture of what looks like a shark eventually JK will tell us it was a whale 🙃… okay saying that JK drew it. September 29, JK’s second single, 3D, is released, and JM also posts something about it on his IG. October 1, the second #ThisIsJimin is posted on IG and, on the same day, JK also has a StationHead Listening Party with AMI. This would be the last we’d hear from JM until the day before his birthday (October 12, 2023). 

Little did we know that: On September 25th, JK, JM and Tae would be boarding on a plane all the way to Jeju, to film the Autumn episode of Are You Sure?!. I guess being around Tae might have been what made JM want to post that video on that same day, but really, who knows, right? That same night, after Tae goes to bed, JK and JM spend some time together in the living room watching a performance video for SNTY and chit-chatting; the below being one of the chats:

From this convo, we gather that JK didn’t sleep, at least on the flight from NYC to Seoul, reason why he was tired, and it would appear that he’s told JM beforehand because he is searching for consensus, which JM readily gives. So at this point we are all like “He’s told JM before they travelled”. 

And then this AYS behind the scenes change this whole scenario completely:

Given as to how they literally were to have met to film content together, couldn’t they just have met the following day? Yes, I’m sure they could have, but apparently JM & JK would rather have spent the previous night together, rather as JK landed in Soul as they enjoyed some makguksu made by JK at JK’s place.

Tin-Hat Moment: Remember how I’ve mentioned time and time again that I just go on the Blue Bird to silently get info? There was a rumor back in August 2023 that JK and JM were spotted in Jeju. No pictures were going around on the platform but it was all that jkkr twitter was talking about for that day as the rumor died within a day or two. It took me forever to find this tweets again but here are some:

I remember this rumor so well since, because of it, I thought that AYS Jeju was being filmed in August, which is close enough to Chuseouk. However, if these episodes were filmed at the end of September; how was there a rumor that they had been spotted in Jeju mid August? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 …

… I guess we’ll never know.

The date is November 23, 2023. JK & JM stroll up together into Incheon and because of that nobody, be it jkkrs, be it Capulates, be it Blue Bird AMI can ignore their presence and the word of everyone’s mouth is: Why?

Reporters at the sight all have received info saying that they are working together on some kind of project. And as they make their way through Incheon greeting people, looking like the next royal couple, they eventually land in Tokyo, and after JM posts the below pictures on November 25th, chaos ensues. 

“They are not staying in the same hotel?!” “JM has spent his whole day without JK, shopping and having fun” “JK is no where near JM” “Yeah, we’ve felt it for a while, they are just business associates kinda bandmates” “So it is just work after all” “... maybe they just happened to have business in Tokyo on the same day and went together”.

Eventually on that same November 25, JM & JK are seen leaving for Sapporo, and on November 28, they both go back to Seoul. This time around, the general consensus is that they are filming because they are seen in the airport in Sapporo with GoPros, but nobody knows what they are filming exactly. Hence, they go fairly unnoticed in Sapporo, except for a youtuber who randomly spots them, on her way back to Seoul, and who thought she’d seen JK and his blond girlfriend … 😏 .

Little did we know that: On November 23rd, JK was hella busy when they went to Tokyo, as we know, amongst the many things he did, he also filmed the Hate You video JM’s favourite song from Golden may I add:

So much so that there were sightings of JK being spot in particular restaurants and JM in others, which to be honest, given how busy JK was, I don’t have a problem believing. So then, Couldn’t have JM just meet JK directly in Sapporo? Afterall JM did fly to NYC to meet up with JK alone? Yes, I’m sure he could have, but apparently JK would rather have had JM around even if they couldn’t do much together because, from his very own words:

… Who knows what they did together in Tokyo. This, like many other things surrounding JK & JM might just remain a mystery we’ll never know 🙄.

Now let me tell you, because of what had been initially presented to us, throughout JM & JK’s “chapter 2” and thanks to what is slowly being revealed, it is safe to say that we were NEVER going to get that WEVERSE live, not for fault of JK I’d say, I think my Twinflame tried his best

Also he can lie his ass off when needed kudos to him no cap!👏🏾  This live happened after they met in NYC, on the 30th of July. I mean this the same man that pulled up on WEVERSE for a whopping 1 minute and 53 second with a 17’s member.

Basically if they wanted to have done a live together; they would have.

Ever since I’ve found out that basically JM spent every single night before filming AYS with JK, for, even though he didn’t really have to, nights during which honest to everything, they could have just done a 10sec live particularly in Tokyo, since we publicly so them go together, I’ve had Rihanna’s James Joint stuck in my head:

🎶I’d rather be breaking things cause we can’t see… how you live and love like fuck rules, don’t care why just know I love you🎵

This song made me think about them, not because I think they are in this edgy-as-hell relationship, but because it finally dawned of me that there were a lot of things that both JM & JK rather would have done than coming on a live with us 🤡🥹🙃, which to be honest, no matter how much I am the first person who loves to see them together and would have boxed JK’s trainer for a live … I must admit … I respect their decisions, and if they really are in a relationship, I find this rather healthy NGL. Aaaand that’s all from me y’all, as always, stay sassy, but keep it hella classy 💋. 

Always respectfully yours,

Marengo.

[kfkr1ze]

Escape from S - Chapter 2

Characters — ✈︎ Renga, Ten, Kafka, Liguang, Yukikaze, Yachiyo

Location: HAMA House Living Room

Ten: (It may have taken until dawn, but that job was pretty good for a one time job. Aah, I’m so sleepy…)

Mm…

………

(Who’s here?)

Renga: W-Welcome back, Ten.

Ten: …Renga-san. Your face looks like you’ve been up all night. What are you doing here?

Renga: I was waiting for you…! I did fall asleep on the sofa at some point though.

……

Y’know, yesterday, your ex-girlfriends chased you out the store after you leftーー

Ten: Ah～ My bad for dragging you into my issues yesterday. Do you know what happened after they left?

Renga: No, that's…

Ten: I actually met up with them again after that〜 The 3 of us hit it off pretty well I’d say? We were up having so much fun that I ended up coming home pretty late.

Renga: ……!

Ten: (If I say that, then he can’t pry anymore, right?)

Theen, night〜. I’m gonna go to sleep since I didn’t get to last night, so don’t wake me up before afternoon hits please.

Renga: Ah…

Renga: ………

Location: HAMA House Tiger Room

Ten: (Sighs. He was waiting there for me like a earnest dog.)

(Well, it was easy for me to get around it, since he believes anything he hears…)

Ten: (My phone…? God, who’s calling at this time…?)

……Chief?

Yeah, I was sleeping just now…

Eh? The Morning Squad has to meet ASAP?

Location: HAMA House Meeting Space

Yachiyo: Hwawawawa… This is the start of a legend!

No, we already have one, but HAMA Tours is gonna make another legend!! I c-can’t help but get excitedddd!!!

Liguang: Hey, stop moving. You’re going to break something.

Kaede: If you headbang that much, you’re going to end up hurting your neck!

Yukikaze: Rather, the fact that he’s been going for 5 minutes… Yachiyo’s bones are actually pretty strong huh. That’s amazing.

Ten: Uh, I came because of the call but…　Everyone seems to be a bit excited? What happened?

Kafka: Ah, it seems everyone arrived.  Then, let’s get started with this discussion. 

Kaede: Ten-kun, you might not be surprised to hear this, but…

Morning Squad has been invited to appear on live TV!!!!

Ten: …Huh?

Yachiyo: Everyone was invited to appear on that super popular TV program, “Escape from S”ーーOr “Es・S” for short～!!

Ten: “Es・S” …It’s that thing isn’t it? That live program where you try to escape some searchers within the time limit to get some prize money, right?

Kafka: Correct. The main reason it’s so popular is because it has heated escape scenes and the mystery you get to solve is changed with each visit.

Even the “Normal Clear” is hard to achieve on its own, but there’s also a “True Clear” that you can achieve by completing a variety of missions. You already know about that too, right Ten?

Ten: Refresh my memory?

Kafka: The reward for a True Clear is the ability to produce a commercial for free and air it during the golden hour.

For HAMA’s future development, and for the sake of HAMA Tours as well, we have to do it, right? ♪

Yukikaze: Yes. I’ll do my best for both Chief, as well as Kafka and the others.

Liguang: …Sighs. I think it’s obvious that appearing on TV is a hassle, though.

Ten: (Ah, nice Ligaung-san. Keep talking about that please.)

Liguang: However, if the profit is worth that hassle, I can see why Oguro would want to go through with that plan.

Ten: (Oh my. Turns out I couldn’t rely on that. Even just being a Ward Mayor is a lot of exposure as is, so this would definitely be a pain.)

I mean, why were we even invited in the first place?

It’s not a program that’s known for being open to the public for performers, right? The rewards for the True Clear clearly aren't open for just anyone either.

Don’t tell me that the Pres has been pulling the strings for this plan?

Kafka: That’s wrong. This time, Renga was the one who suggested it.

Ten: Renga-san did?

Renga: ………

Ten: (Right right. I could see his depressing face staring at me from the corner of my eye this whole time. What’s up with that?)

Renga: Um, y’know, Ten!

I… s-saw you… last night…!

Ten: ………

(Hah?)

Previous — ✈︎ Masterlist — ✈︎ Next

[savagewildnerness]

Made notes on Viaticum for the Marquise for book club, so I thought I’d share them here in case anyone wanted to discuss anything in this meaningless dissertation…. 

First of all, I wondered all of a sudden when reading this part whether episode titles might not actually be part titles of the whole TVL book?

Let’s discuss Gabrielle!  

Question 1: If you were Gabrielle, would you accept immortality from your son, not knowing if him giving you this could kill him?  I feel like if I had a child I’d say no myself… would she rather have immortality even if it had killed Lestat?  Or did she just not think it would kill him?

The first night she is a vampire, Gabrielle steals a load of expensive clothes, only to instantly discard them… Lestat talks of being spiritually exhausted and just wanting to go ‘home’ to the tower to rest.  But he doesn’t dwell fully on the why of it, nor does he dwell on much of the nature of Gabrielle’s new self and what it feels like to him – a monster, yes, but who in many ways tries to be *good* and who certainly at least struggles with the war between striving for good, and being a fabulous devil.  Gabrielle cares nothing for any mortal anymore.  She tells Lestat she feels as if she died, and refers to her mortal self as “she”, not me now (more reasons than one we can assign to this, of course.)  There’s a great quote on p174 with Gabrielle referring to her human self as she rather than me or I.  

It is way more than that she doesn’t care for those she kills in order to live.  She steals expensive clothes from humans, to discard them that same night without caring.  She snaps an innocent boy’s neck for his attire without thought, and without feeding on him.  How does Lestat really feel about this?  It is against the semblance of morality Lestat strives to follow… and yet Lestat also talks of what a wonderful monster he is and rejects his attempts at being moral as a self-deceiving-lie often enough… so, does he admire Gabrielle’s coldness, or does it terrify him?  Or, both?!  He calls her a pure predator… I think he most likely respects this aspect of Gabrielle, and simultaneously fears it, as I feel like the root of it (not actually caring about humans) is incredibly alien and unimaginable to Lestat.  Not dissimilar to how he always felt about the coldness in his Mother, I suppose…?

On this note: 

Vampire Gabrielle is freed from MEN and from human connections.  Her human-self is something she once was and is no longer who she is.  She cannot care about humans and feels separate to them, as The Sky or God may feel separate…  She is TERRIFIED of being trapped, as she felt in life.  To me, the moments as a vampire when she panics seem because of feeling somehow trapped potentially.  Gabrielle panics when her hair grows – she’s trapped with that CONSTRAINT on her free-self now for eternity (I also find it interesting how very practically Lestat responds to Gabrielle’s panic.)  She panics in the coffin in Notre Dame – could religion and men’s imposition of religion trap her?  She wants to be in nature, away from humans and society…

This is SO alien and inconceivable to Lestat!  Lestat fears lack of meaning, being alone and lack of love.  He craves connection to others.  To be good enough for another to find him worthy of love is the meaning of existence to Lestat.

They both fear what the other desires and desire or crave what the other fears…  I don’t think Lestat fully realises (or acknowledges at least) this initially, but I think Gabrielle knows it instantaneously… and so she also fears for Lestat.  She fears whether he will be able to survive.  I think this is one reason she instantly worries about Lestat turning Nicolas… and Gabrielle knows things of Nicolas in this respect of course that Lestat does not.  Nicolas and Gabrielle have been writing to each other, and Gabrielle may see more clearly the impact Lestat’s change in status has had on Nicki than Lestat does, blinded by both love and his new-born vampire self as he is…?  Lestat says Nicki had been drinking to excess and it had left him thinner and haggard, but had made his beauty all the more striking.  He notes the new malice in Nicki, but to Lestat, all human emotion is beautiful - in its humanity, so Lestat never seems to look to deeply into Nicolas’ experience.  We know the few times Lestat glimpsed inside Nicki’s mortal mind, he was terrified by the chaos and desolation he saw and he quickly withdrew.  

On Gabrielle, on p162, Lestat says “We were together and nothing could ever separate us now.”  Clearly he had no idea in that first instant of Gabrielle’s vampire-birth what would come to pass…

Lestat says “There was no mother anymore, no petty need and terror; she was simply who she was.  She was Gabrielle.”  I found this an interesting way of putting across the way vampires are no longer their human-selves – their human ties are instantly severed or altered (unless they choose to try to keep them), yet they are still their selves…?

I loved this way Lestat describes Gabrielle – “She looked delicate as a diamond can look delicate when preyed upon by light.”

So, let’s talk about Nicolas!  At this point, Nicolas is drinking to excess, believes Lestat has done some kind of Free-Masonry/Cult-esque alchemy/magic thing that he’s excluded Nicki from because Nicki is not an aristocrat, so is too societally lowly.  I feel this could be emphasised even more on TV, right in the middle of The French Revolution, as things will be?  It only gets worse when Lestat then *does* turn his own Mother, an aristocrat too.  

Could there even be parallels made between how Nicolas feels about Lestat to how Louis feels, I wonder?  Or that Louis feels differently – because Nicolas felt Lestat had deserted him... when Lestat first vanishes Nicolas is sure to defend Lestat’s integrity, saying that Lestat would never be ashamed of him or his friends and would never perceive himself as above Nicolas or anyone at Renaud’s.  But Nicolas thinks when he watches Lestat die yet live that actually he’d been naïve for once and Lestat HAS in fact excluded Nicolas from some secret he perceives Nicki as unworthy of.  He must feel like Lestat never loved him.  He must feel stupid and bereft and in the darkest place he has ever been.  

I think *this* is Lestat’s failure unto Nicolas.  Nicolas saw and accepted Lestat for all he was - even bringing up that he saw Lestat’s sensitivity when they were children, at The Witches’ Place… And that Lestat felt from Nicki’s music, I imagine made Nicolas felt Lestat accepted him too…. Not least as Lestat surely did love Nicolas deeply.  But now he thinks Lestat actually didn’t accept him for all he was as he saw Nicki as societally beneath him.  

Later, with Louis, we have someone who is not accepted for the all of who he is either – not in society, not within his family, not by God.  But this time, Lestat can accept Louis for the entirety of his self.  And, on TV, that’s exactly what Lestat offers Louis.  Is he learning this from these experiences with Nicolas in some way?

I think Lestat taking Nicolas with him after Renaud’s was Nicolas’ last true hope at survival.  As things went, even before Armand abducts Nicolas and shatters the very last of Nicki’s reason, I think Nicolas is on a path with only one end: death - from the moment he witnesses Lestat be shot to death, but not die… and then leave him.  I don’t say Nicolas had a huge chance at life even had Lestat taken him then.  But maybe Nicolas might have had 1% chance of life if Lestat had taken him away from Renaud’s right then, explained everything, and given Nicolas a choice of what he wanted.  From the moment Lestat left that night… Nicolas’ sand-timer was counting to his death.  I kind of wish Lestat had transformed Nicki the night after he, himself was turned.  Actually I think that would have been Nicki’s best hope.  But then again, I love tragedy too much, so I am happy Nicolas dies as he was always meant to at the same time!  And I don’t think, in his cynicism he was ever right for Lestat for eternity, even as much as I love Nicolas and believe in his and Lestat’s love as true.  I wonder if, when making Louis, in love, he ever thinks back and wonders how it might have been had he transformed Nicolas instantly?  Or had he at least shared with Nicolas instantly what had happened?  But maybe the knowledge of vampires in itself would have been enough to shatter Nicolas’ mind?  Maybe he was too fragile for immortality as it was, such was the level of darkness and cynicism in him, when coupled with his fragility and that religious foundation?  Anyway… I am straying far from the text here…

Small points:

I love Lestat’s connection to animals, for example, how he can summon his horse, even as a vampire.  Especially when animals are general instinctively afraid of vampires.  This is already on TV in S1 so I look forward to seeing this theme in S3 too.

P173 as Lestat and Gabrielle cross the bridge, Lestat feels “a commotion, the tumult of mortal minds.”  Is this Nicolas being abducted?

I WISH ANNE HAD WRITTEN MORE OF GABRIELLE AND MORE FROM HER PERSPECTIVE!

The first night Gabrielle sleeps and looks dead to Lestat and he gives her a blood kiss… what proportion do you think it’s motivated by desire/connection, and what proportion through his fear as she looks dead, she is dead?  It’s a big thing – she was going to die that very die and now she is alive… is she?

I love when Lestat just watches the sunset when he rises.

P178 “I wanted to say Nicki sat by your bed when you were dying, does that mean nothing?” – I loved this and so I quote it.

I love how in these first days of immortality, Gabrielle and Lestat show their love for each other by denying their desires, and remaining alongside each other before all else.

The Witching Hour again starts chapter 5.

P184 – why call any dwelling a home when it can be your LAIR!?!?!

When Lestat first sees the stable boy’s death in his mind he feels the death ‘as if I had seen a small dark bird suddenly rising from the stables.’ And I wondered – is that Nicolas’ mind-bird?

I love how full-out atheist Lestat is in TVL.  He doesn’t question his beliefs.  Like any 20-year-old, he knows his truth.

The hymns Lestat and Gabrielle hear in Notre Dame are both written by Thomas Aquinas, as mentioned in S1E2

Malice is used a LOT in this part

P161 – Even so early in his Vampire life, in traumatic times, Lestat goes back to Winters in the Auvergne in his mind.  Fragments of memory that always return.

P199 – Did Armand get ‘rapture’ from Lestat’s mind?  Armand is super creepy at the end here when he gets into Lestat’s mind… and he says “Come to me”

Lestat says Armand’s great weakness is pride.  Is it so?  

I ended the part writing “Naughty!  Armand!” When Armand tries to bite and drain Lestat.

Lines/bits I thought could be on TV:

“We were in Paris.  And we were going to live forever.”

Gabrielle jump scaring Lestat the first night she rises as her vampire self is pretty funny so I reckon will be on TV?

“But where would I want to go?  Away from all those I’d known and loved? I did not want to stop thinking of you, of Nicki, even of my father and brothers.  I did what I wanted.  If you follow your conscience, you do what you want….. (snip)… I wanted you to be happy.”  (Side note – wealth and gifts don’t make everyone happy, Lestat!) – Gabrielle and Lestat’s innate differences are really noted on P179

I feel Armand’s vampires at the Tower ‘like bats’ could be glorious gothic horror on TV

The stable boy in Nicki’s coat and Lestat not consciously accepting he recognises it at first will surely be on TV????

LOL at Lestat bursting from his coffin in Notre Dame as a Devil… YET still throwing money at strangers, so they love him and are made happier!!!!

“It will be rage until I have proof that it must be grief.”

Obviously I love all the Caravaggio descriptions of Armand, which are SO Assad too!  I hope some make TV!  And ‘like a succubus’!

Armand and Lestat’s fight in Notre Dame will be AMAZING!

Some dualities in IWTV:

Death vs life

Freedom vs connection

Nature vs society

Goodness vs evil

Mortality vs immortality

Enduring vs disintegration

I thought we could discuss any thematic dualities of note and how they may play into the form of the TV show and narrative?

Well that's all of my thoughts on this part... I say it as if I haven't just OUT-TOO-MUCH-ED Lestat himself with my (sadly also way less cool, contextually) too-much-ness!

HO HUM!

(Page numbers are UK current edition paperback.)

[onigiriico]

Muu audio drama (t2) - English TL

[ links: Spotify / YT Music ]

Behold, the longest voice drama I’ve ever posted. This thing is almost 2.3k words long. I am in pain /lh

As always, feel free to head to my ask box or my Twitter (now actually with open DMs lmao) for any questions, potential mistranslations, etc.!

Also,, Trigger warning (aside from. well. the usual Milgram things): Towards the end, they discuss another character’s threat of suicide. It’s nothing super graphic, but there sure are... opinions on it, so please proceed with caution if that’s a touchy topic for you!

⬇️ translation under the cut ⬇️

(door opens)

M: Ah, it’s been a while, Warden-san. – Things have gotten tough, haven’t they… Everyone seems to be struggling and the whole atmosphere feels tense because everyone’s struggling, it’s really troublesome.

E: Is that so?

M: But as for me, I think Milgram has become a lot more comfortable! I know now that I can get whatever I want if I ask for it, so I don’t need to be so on edge anymore.

E: …

M: You did say that you and Milgram are our allies, and maybe you were right all along!

E: …

M: Aww, it’s boring if it’s just me talking! We’re talking to each other for the first time in a while, so you tell me about something interesting too, Warden-san~

E: You’re in pretty high spirits.

M: Am I?

E: I feel like you’ve brightened up.

M: Maybe…

E: But following the judgment after your first trial, the situation in Milgram has changed. And in the aftermath, Kotoko has attacked people too… From how I remember you, I would have expected you to feel uneasier than this.

M: Huh? But that has nothing to do with me.

E: What?

M: The ones who are suffering are the ones who have done bad things, right? You know, like, what goes around comes around.

E: …

M: Besides, Kotoko hurt and was mean to the people who didn’t get forgiven by you, right?

E: …Yeah.

M: Wouldn’t it be weird for me to have any thoughts on that, then? After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. You forgave me!

E: …

M: Eh? Is something wrong? Those who didn’t get forgiven by you must be bad people, if you ask me! I believe in you, Warden-san, so I’d hope you feel happy!

E: …Thanks for that.

M: See, you said you forgave me and that’s part of your job, so it’s probably right! Come on, come on, have some confidence!

E: … Speaking of which, you seem to be pretty close to Haruka.

M: …? Yeah! He’s the one I get along with best in Milgram!

E: Do you have some kind of goal with that?

M: Huh? E: Haruka’s loyalty towards you is one thing, but with this kind of relationship, I think it’s only natural to wonder if you’re using him for something.

M: Ehh… Warden-san, do you not have any friends?

E: Huh?

M: Are there any?

E: None that I could think of.

M: Wow, poor thing,.. I’ll teach you! Friends aren’t like that, you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we’re comfortable around each other. That’s all.

E: Well, I’m sorry about that.

M: Haruka-kun is really nice! He accepts anything I say, he listens to anything I tell him. For me, that’s really comfortable.

E: And that’s… “friendship”?

M: What do you mean? Of course we’re friends! Haruka-kun is happy with it, so it only has benefits for both of us!

E: I, as someone who has no friends, can’t judge, of course, but isn’t that just exploitation?

M: Exploitation…? Um, I don’t really understand, but… I do help him pick out clothes [in return], and I recently gave him a hairpin I didn’t need anymore as a hand-me-down!

E: …

M: We also have in common that we’re both people who were forgiven by you, Warden-san, so I don’t think it’s a relationship that anyone could have a problem with! E: … I already said this to Haruka, but Milgram consists of three trials, and I have only forgiven you this once. I think it’s too early to feel completely safe.

M: Eh~ You already decided to forgive me. I think it’d be uncool to be like, “Oh, actually, nevermind” now.

E: This is just how it is.

M: It’s fine already, isn’t it? You saw me, didn’t you? And from that, you decided that I haven’t done anything wrong, didn’t you?

E: Yeah, that’s right. For the first trial, that is.

M: It’s the same no matter how many times we do this. I’m me, after all. That won’t change.

E: If I keep looking from now on, will I come across something that puts you in a less positive light?

M: Eh?

E: Milgram reveals the truth through videos and music. After deciding whether to forgive you or not in the first trial, I’ll continue to dig deeper, searching for the truth inside your hearts once again.

M: …

E: For example: Things that you hid. Things that you forgot about. Things that weren’t visible through the rest of your strong feelings. Those are things that I’ll be shedding light on.

M: Hmm…

E: Or at least it might be.

M: …I don’t get it, but whatever. I haven’t done anything wrong, after all.

E: Is that so? It’s true that I’ve forgiven you once… but I remember feeling uneasy about it the whole time. Was it really right to forgive you? Aren’t you still hiding something? Things like that.

M: …Why… would you think stuff like that? That’s mean, Warden-san… You saw me, didn’t you? All the awful things that were done to me, that I couldn’t have escaped from without killing someone! I can’t believe you’re saying this to me, after I’ve gone through all of that… Warden-san, you’re mean.

E: Maybe I am. Your pain and suffering has certainly reached me. Or should I call it bullying? One-sided violence and mistreatment… I’m sure it was difficult to handle. It’s not unreasonable to come to the conclusion that murder is the only way for a weak person to get out of that. That’s exactly why I forgave you.

M: Yeah… If I hadn’t done that, I could have died some day.

E: But – are you actually that weak, Muu?

M: Huh?

E: That’s the source of my unease. Are you really that weak? Were you really getting picked on for being a weakling?

M: What do you mean?

E: How did it come to that in the first place? What was the cause? That’s what I don’t know. You could say it was conveniently omitted.

M: …

E: Even you yourself refuse to go there. Is it a topic that you don’t want to touch upon?

M: … Warden-san, I think you’re really doing something bad. Isn’t it a bad thing to act like there has to be something wrong with someone for them to get bullied?

E: Oh?

M: No matter the circumstances, it’s always the bullies who are in the wrong! Isn’t that obvious? Warden-san, you’re so smart, but you don’t even know things like that? Maybe you should take some lessons on morals or something.

E: …

M: Besides, even if I’ve done something wrong, there’s nothing that could justify bullying someone. Warden-san, I thought you were a nicer person.

E: So sorry that I’m not living up to your expectations.

M: If you’re reflecting on it, I’m willing to forgive you, though…

E: Could I ask the generous Muu to spoil me by letting me ask one more question, then?

M: What is it? If it’s a boring question, I don’t wanna.

E: Let’s say you’ve done nothing wrong—

M: Not “let’s say”! I have done nothing wrong!

E: Got it, got it. So, even though you’ve done nothing wrong – you got bullied. Why do you think that is?

M: I don’t know that! I mean, my family is rich, and my appearance stands out [in a good way], too… they probably did it out of envy or prejudice or something, right?

E: Right, right. And here I was with the theory that you were originally in the opposite position…

M: (slams her hands down)

E: …!

M: What are you saying…?

E: Just that it could also be speculated that you bullied someone and the tables turned on you.

M: Do you know what an awful thing you’re saying right now?

E: What are you getting this angry for? You’ve done nothing wrong, right?

M: Warden-san… I hate you.

E: This is just speculation. Don’t get so mad.

M: …

E: So what? Can you not give me an answer?

M: I haven’t bullied anyone. I’d never do such a mean thing! I’ve never hit anyone or poured water over anyone’s head. I wouldn’t do something like that! I’m not lying! I’m not telling you lies! I really haven’t done anything!

E: I see. I’ll take note of that.

M: … Um… um, by the way, Warden-san! I don’t know about this, but…

E: What?

M: You forgave me because I just gave my bullies their payback, right?

E: …Well… I guess so.

M: What was it called again… Revenge… Revenge? That means revenge can be [an acceptable motivator], right? And if you don’t forgive me this time, that’d mean that it’s not. If we leave aside the thing you said earlier about me maybe having bullied someone before – not that I actually did that, of course!

E: Sure.

M: So if I paid back what my bullies did to me, that would be revenge, right? And if you feel like I had no other choice than that, then don’t you have to forgive me?

E: … Uh… I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say…

M: You see, if you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of events, then wouldn’t it be bad to bully me back again in return?

E: …

M: But if you were like, “I won’t forgive you, Muu! Revenge is bad!,” then wouldn’t that imply that it’s also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me? Since we’ve all done something bad anyway, doesn’t that mean that I’ve not done anything wrong in the end?

E: …I think I’m kinda… starting to get your point… maybe…

M: … Warden-san, are you maybe not that intelligent, after all…?

E: Well, sorry about that.

M: Well, I guess it’s to be expected. You talk to a rabbit, after all. (giggles) Either way, you’ve understood that I haven’t done anything wrong, so it’s okay!

E: I sure have understood that talking to you isn’t getting me anywhere. But I guess since you made this explanation, I’ll take it into consideration.

M: Ah, but if you don’t forgive me, Haruka-kun will die, so I think it’d be best to not do that.

E: …!

(bell rings, machinery whirrs)

E: So you’ve heard about that nonsense too?

M: Yeah. Haruka-kun told me. So I could rest easy, according to him. That made me happy… It made me really feel our friendship!

E: You know about it and you’re not trying to stop him? Haruka, that is?

M: Why would I? Haruka-kun says he wants to do it, so there’s nothing I can do, right?

E: But you’re calling him your friend.

M: Isn’t it exactly because he’s my friend? Isn’t friendship about letting your friends do the things they want? … Are you about to tell me “that’s not what friendship is”? Then what is friendship? You’re together because it’s beneficial for everyone involved, aren’t you?

E: I don’t think Haruka is benefitting from that at all.

M: No way… It’s not like you could know what’s good for him.

E: …You sure are tough to beat.

M: I really don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Warden-san. It’s Haruka-kun’s personal freedom to decide what he wants to do, and I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not like I’ve asked him to do it!

E: I see. That’s how it is, huh. You don’t say anything; just because you’re present, your surroundings’ wishes change to benefit you— Oh, so that’s it. Like a born queen. No, it’s like you’re influencing your surroundings not with words, but with pheromones… Just like a queen bee.

M: Pheromones…? I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I don’t like that lewd-sounding stuff…

E: That’s not the nuance I was talking about.

M: Either way, there’s people who deserve to be unforgiven more than I do, so I think you should focus your efforts on them instead. Like, Kotoko-san has done something bad, for example. Ah, but what she did was approved by you, wasn’t it?

E: …You’re making my blood boil.

M: Anyway… I think you would do good to forgive me. Then Haruka-kun will be safe too. Ah, actually, couldn’t you just forgive everyone? Then Kotoko-san won’t run amok, and you won’t have to think about all the difficult stuff.

E: That is… a very attractive proposal.

M: Right? (giggles)

E: Abandoning all the thinking… How nice it would be if I could just do that.

M: … If you ask me, I don’t really get why you don’t do it…

E: Because this is the role I’m playing.

M: But the role was given to you, wasn’t it? You didn’t end up doing this because you wanted to, right? It’s not a dream you’ve had for a long time or anything, right, Warden-san? So there’s no need to let it tie you down. Couldn’t you just quit?

E: What are you…

M: Warden-san, we call you “Warden” because that’s what you are, right? I was assigned to be a prisoner, but that doesn’t mean my heart will become just that of a “prisoner” too. After all, I’m still me.

E: …!

M: Warden-san, are you okay? Are you feeling sick again?

E: (heavy breathing)

M: That’s because you keep thinking too much about difficult things. Just stop. Being the Warden, that is.

E: … Just— shut up, already! Prisoner no.4, Muu! Sing your sins!

[cozymochi]

It's just strange when you want YOUR boundaries respected, but when people set their own boundaries, you mock them and call them silly. Hypocritical of you. As long as nobody is hurt, what is the problem.

…Huh? …Ok, fine. I’ll bite.

My single serious boundary is just cut and dry to not ask me for nsfw and pornographic art when I say repeatedly to not ask me for it.

I am not mocking somebody for saying I find an entirely separate concept (the “non-share yume” ) that, that on paper, sounds a little silly. At least to me, who doesn’t personally do that for one reason or another. But that is solely just on me? I’m not blaming anyone else for that. I’m sure somebody out there finds my boundary un-relatable. I do not think it’s fair to say that I’m being hypocritical for… not fully getting into somebody elses mindset.

And trust me, I think I’m hypocritical enough on a lot of completely unrelated things already.

Is it because I used the word “silly?” Was that being interpreted as mockery rather than just me going “ah, okay. i guess??” I never even said there was any problem either, nor that I hated anybody for it. I guess to be fair upon reflection, I could have just straight said “ah, okay. i guess” rather than “oh that’s silly.” Or not have answered at all. Even if my intent was more so just a passing shrug, I should have been more cautious that somebody could have read that as full dismissal/mockery/finger pointing.

I just personally just don’t get that level of attachment to fictional characters for one reason or another. I just have a disconnect. But if somebody else treats these things on a bit more of a personal level, they can do that, it’s fine? I’m not offended. I’m not sure how else to even articulate this via text that won’t come across as cold (as is that nature of text and no vocalizing).

I do not care nor mind what any of these users do or how they engage with stuff, it’s not my business. I literally didn’t even want to engage on this discussion I had no business talking about further, I was just recounting something that happened to me, like, months ago and having a goof.

I mean, If I think about lot of what I do on paper, it sounds silly if I remove myself for a moment. But, I don’t really mean that in a pejorative way… if that makes sense. Although my way of typing doesn’t always register how I’d like.

ALSO to the prev anon, assuming it’s a different person (tho if not, this still stands), whom I did not answer directly/nor publicly, sorry that I got a little slighted by your sudden long message. Sometimes if I’m done speaking about something, I just want to move on at my own discretion rather than dwell. But I get your intent was to be informative, empathetic and positive rather than talking down to me as my initial gut reaction assumed. This is a me thing, I just tend to get miffed. That’s really it, it’s not personal at all.

It’s out of my control ultimately how I’m perceived. If what I said registered as mockery towards a whole subset of fans’ way of engaging with media, then I’m sorry.

I don’t really plan on speaking nor reflecting about any of this again though, so maybe there’s some solace in that.