#I’ve played around with the idea that I am just. just trans. some days that seems plausible

[dee-the-red-witch]

how did you get past “just being gnc”? asking for me, i’ve been in that mindset on and off for years. if you don’t mind sharing

I... okay, look, that's like a question with two other subtextual ones rolled up into it in a donut all at once. And I have an all-day road trip tomorrow, so I don't have a ton of spoons to spare, but I'm still gonna try and tackle all three. And I'm gonna hit the subtext questions first, because they're important and play into it. 1. What's a good way to come out as trans?

There fucking isn't one. For anyone of any gender. There is no perfect way for anyone to come out. It will always be awkward, there's always going to be some kind of price to pay, and you are never going to know that full price up front. It's also just about always less than the price of NOT coming out, though. 2. What's a good way for *ME* to come out as trans?

Okay, this one ties into my own story some, but the shorter version? I don't know. I can't tell you. Because I don't know your details and what's going to work for you or how. What I can tell you is that nobody is going to magically guess it for you, no one's going to give you permission to do it, and you're gonna have to start it yourself. There's folks that will absolutely help later down the line, but you have to initiate and start things, even if it's babysteps. Case in point... 3. ENOUGH SUBTEXT, DENICE, how'd YOU get past just being a guy?

It's complicated. I'd been in denial since the late 90's. so there was a LOT of personal bullshit, and art, and other work, and everything, packed up in and around my gender like mad. Like a wad of gum with a bunch of other stuff stuck to it- and sometimes when a piece finally got pulled free, part of the gum came up with it. Bad analogy, probably. Still. When I finished writing, and laying out, and publishing my first book (and practically screaming HI! IT ME! AM TRANS! in the afterword and other bits, because that's what happens when I write a historical horror novel with a GNC-transmasc-ish protag) I felt empty. Hollow. For months. I was trying and struggling to get a second book off the ground, and having this weight start settling over my head. Only it was like three months early for my usual denial ideation episode. Meanwhile, on facebook, my friend J who was dealing with the tail end aftershocks of a nasty divorce from an even nastier asshole. And of course she was going off about a very rational distrust and dislike of Men and some of their behaviors in particular, and I just had that goddamn black wave of ideation set in on me in full and was mentally internally screaming "But I'm not a fucking man!" and I did the one thing I'd never done in twenty plus years of dysphoria, denial and ideation. I said it out loud. Nobody in the apartment to even hear me. But I said it. And repeated it. And so help me, that depression/denial/ideation wave that I knew was going to end with me hurting myself or worse started immediately fading. I started switching my pronouns over to they/them on my social medias almost immediately. Like I said. Baby steps. But it was enough- one of my partners noticed the update and flat out asked me about it the next time she was over, and that's how I ended up coming out as nonbinary to both her and the rest of my immediate family. And a few days later online all over as well. Realizing I was a girl took a bit, because enby felt right, but not all the way right. I'd started t-blockers already because I knew I had dysphoria issues (just no idea how serious they were) and then started E. All of which was made easier by being in an informed-consent state and having a doctor who had zero issues with prescribing them, and more than a little bit of a mad scientist nature. Three days into Estrogen I just had this one weird moment of driving and hitting a sunny patch of road and suddenly I was happy and laughing in a way I'd NEVER been. That's when it started really clicking for me. When I realized that what had been holding me back was a lot of internalized shame and conditioning that I needed to unpack and get rid of. That's all where I started. (and yes, it meant a whole extra round of comings out and updates and everything, but well, here I am.) I hope that wall of text helps some? But yeah. Take baby steps. Things move from there as you figure it out. But you can't figure it out while you're holding yourself back.

[kaija-rayne-author]

DA 4 Veilguard predictions

Okay so I wanted to get a whole ass post about what I think is likely to happen in DA 4 done before the reveals but I haven’t had the time between work and life.

There are MASSIVE spoilers for every Dragon Age game, book, comic, and most internet theories in this post. Proceed with caution.

Also I swear like the truckers I grew up around. So CW on language.

First and foremost, I’m going to warn you all that I’m a die-hard Solavellan. If you don’t like that? Don’t bother reading this. And for gods’ sake don’t bother arguing with me about it. Depending on my mood, I’ll either first roast your face off and then eat it with bbq sauce or if I’m feeling generous, I’ll just block your ass. You like what you like about games. I’ll like what I like. I don’t shit in your porridge, I ask you to not do it to me. As I’m writing this, I’m 47 years old and I’ve been gaming since I was 9. Which means I’ve been gaming longer than a lot of you have been alive. Stop yucking on people’s yum. There’s far too little joy in this world. Go find your own.

So, this is just a partial post (albeit, in true to me fashion, an incredibly LONG one XD). It will cover stuff I think we might see revealed in things this weekend at either SGF or Xbox whatever (I have no idea why they’d bother with the Xbox thing since they hold such a small share of the gaming market these days but whatever.) We’re seeing something between Friday and Monday. Hopefully, enough to give hope to the masses.

Depending on how much time I have before I have to serve dinner I might add some more of my theories.

It’s a bit silly of me to be so obsessed about this game because my computer definitely won’t be able to handle it, and because I’m a disabled, neurodivergent author with a family to support… well… the likelihood of me being able to buy both a computer able to handle it and the game itself any time in the near future isn’t good. So, I won’t be able to play it. I am going to add my links and a go fund me to the bottom of this post (which has taken me hours to research and write so if you would like to donate to the cause I would be so deeply appreciative. Dragon Age is one of my AuDHD special interests, and it’s killing part of my soul to know I can’t participate when it comes out. I promise I’ll write all sorts of interesting stuff about it!)

But I can’t help myself. Letting my research-oriented, lore-obsessed brain noodle about Dragon Age is one of my very favourite special interests. So, without further ado… here goes!

CLASSES

I think we have a good chance of seeing some of these as playable classes.

Knight-Templar ❌

Lord of Fortune ✅

Antivan Crow ✅

Mortalitasi (Nevarran necromancer) ✅

Grey Warden ✅

Shadow Dragon ✅

Shaper/Carta/Kal-Sharok/Sha-Brytol Dwarf ❌

Veil Jumper ✅

Fen’harel Fanatic (not his usual people, the fanatical ones detailed in Tevinter Nights) ❌

Companions

A lot of these ideas come from the supplementary material that I’ve read at least three times each. I’m obsessed. What can I say?

Qunari: ✅ Tal-Vashoth Sarrebas, maybe Qwydion? ❌

Rivani Lord of Fortune: ✅ ‘Hollix’ maybe? That would be fun, plus they are canonically non-binary! Please please please? With sugar on top? ❌

Tevinter Mage/Magister: ✅ Maevaris Tilani ❌ would be so cool, but I’d be equally as happy to see Neve Gallus. ✅ Honestly, they both have benefits for me. Mae is trans and Neve has a prosthetic leg. Alternatively, I liked Myrion ❌ well enough that he’d be a cool companion too. And he’s canonically bisexual from what I read between the lines.

Grey Warden: ✅ Please let it be Antoine! ❌ (Antoine absolutely has ADHD and I would love to see more of that rep in a AAA game.) Evke ❌ could be fun too.

Templar Knight-Commander: Rana Savras ❌

Spirit Companion: I really hope it’s not Audric. 1. He’s not really a spirit, he’s a higher undead, which is a Zombie by any other term. And all the poor guy wants is to organize his library. I’ll be quite disappointed with the writers if they go this route.

So, we’ve had Faith/Wynn, Justice/Anders, and Compassion/Cole. There are two other widely known benevolent spirits in Dragon Age canon. Valor and Hope. Given what I think is gonna happen in DA4, my money is on a Hope spirit. ❓

Antivan Crow: ✅ Illario Dellamorte. ❌ (I really really hope it’s not Lucanis Dellamorte. 💩 He’s so damned annoying and gods that is NOT how an assassin operates. Here's my professional editorial opinion of why Lucanis is an absolutely terrible character.

Veil Jumper/Dalish/City Elf: ✅ Strife. ❌ Please please please? He’d be so awesome as a companion character. He’s not young! I want an older companion character. (And it would let them get away with the white hair on a darker skinned character without it being racist as fuck.) I just really hope he looks better than he did in the comics. The art style in those was just fucking terrible.

I am hoping that we can somehow romance Lace Harding. ✅ But I just don’t see how she could fit in with the reported likely classes and things I’ve personally considered.

That gives me 8 even though reports say we only get 7. But did you notice in this picture that there are 8? So either we’re gonna get a ‘secret’ companion like Loghain Mac Tir. (Three guesses who that will be and the first two don’t count.) Or they have a surprise for us. Or the art is off.

I could also see Kieren ❌ as a companion. (Morrigan’s son) He’d be just about old enough if we get the time jump reports are saying we will. He was roughly 12 in DAI. + 2 for Trespasser puts him at 14. Ten years minimum between Trespasser and DA4 puts him at 24. So, it’s possible. I could also see Vaea as a companion. But I’m not exactly sure how she would fit with classes.

Potential Advisors

Some of these I’ve got as potential companions as well because I could see them fitting either.

Dorian Pavus for Tevinter Magisters (I think this is very likely given Tevinter Nights.)

Maevaris Tilani (Same as above.)

Charter (I think we’ll see Charter stepping into Leliana’s place as Spymaster given what we saw in Trespasser and Tevinter Nights.)

Myrna/Audric (Mortalitasi)

Ramesh (Grey Wardens)

Genetivi (Scholar) (given what happened in Tevinter Nights I have a feeling we’ll be seeing him again under a new name)

Viago De Riva (Antivan Crows)

Andarateia Cantori (Antivan Crows) I’d love to see Zevran again but considering what he was up to in DAI I think it’s unlikely. Although something did happen in Tevinter Nights that might make it possible.

Lavellan: With how the story in DAI ended and what we saw in the end scene of Trespasser, I think they’ll be important in some way.

Fenris: (Wandering Warrior)

Cameos we might see:

Fenris

Isabela

Arishok Sten

Antaam Rassan

Kieren (Morrigan’s son)

Zevran

Vaea

Sebastian Vael

Viago De Riva

Andarateia Cantori

Lavellan

People I don’t think we’ll see or if we do it won’t be for long.

Cassandra (thank gods)

Morrigan

Leliana (sads)

Most of the cast of DAI and the previous games.

Bosses we’re likely to fight.

Solas. He’ll be a mini-boss and maybe one you can talk out of a fight.

FleMythal

Elgar’nan ✅️

Ghilan'nain ✅️

Andruil. She and Ghilan’nain often go together.

Critters/bad guys we’re likely to see.

Bone creatures from the necropolis.

Changed darkspawn/humans from Ghilan'nain’s labs. ✅️

Tentacley sea creatures from Minrathous and other ‘experimented upon by mages’ monsters.

Werewolves may make a comeback.

Antaam.

Venatori. ✅

Fen’harel Fanatics (these are different from Fen’harel agents).

Whatever or whoever the people across the sea are.

Carta dwarves

Titans

Sha-Brytol dwarves

Antaam Rassan

Antaam

Things I think we’re likely to see.

We’re going to see trans/non-binary rep. ✅ I deeply believe this is happening. I will be so sad if I’m wrong.

Sad as I am to say it. Varric is gonna die. The writing has been on the wall in drippy red marker since they fired his writer. I hate this, personally. I grew up listening to Brian Bloom (Varric’s VA) and he’s just one of my absolute favourites. But I don’t think Varric is gonna make it.

The how? I think, narratively, they’ll do it in a way that hurts Solas a very great deal. In DAI, Varric is one of the few people that Solas listens to. Apologizes to and actually talks to with a sense of respect in his tone that he rarely does with anyone else. Given events in the comic The Missing where Solas saves Varric several times… yeah. ✅️

If I were writing it? It would be an angsty as fuck scene where either something Solas does accidentally kills Varric in a friendly fire isn’t friendly sort of situation or that Solas can’t get there in time to save one of the few people he actually probably considers a friend.

So, the pain of Varric’s death will be what in the writing/editing trade we call a pinch-point for Solas’s character arc. How the player decides what happens will likely be one of those crucial choices matters points that will turn Solas down a darker path or possibly toward a redemption arc.

Flemythal isn’t dead. I’ve talked before about how she is not the happy fluffy bunny version of a mother goddess. Sure, she might be a mother goddess. But she’s the type that reminds us that mother nature is often more red in tooth and claw than nurturing.

And the lady is bent. Bent on revenge. Bent on using people to get her revenge. Just… if she ever was the good and kind person that Solas remembers? She definitely isn’t anymore.

I have a feeling given one of the stories in Tevinter Nights that FleMythal has infected Solas (vs sharing her power in a simple power up to help him save people move) with the dragon soul. Which could have been part of Mythal's soul even before the dragon had it, if some theories are correct. There’s been a lot of imagery and description of a dreadwolf like creature that is half lupine, half dragon. So, something is going on there.

And honestly, I think that’s going to be Solas’s breaking point with mommy dearest. (Please, please don’t let them have been lovers, that will squick me out so fucking bad.)

“Betrayal is always worse.” Is one of Solas’s really heartfelt lines in DAI. If I’m right, and FleMythal somehow manipulated that dragon soul she got from Kieren (talk about fucked up action right there) so that it’s gonna change Solas into a half dragon half wolf demon thing… welp.

I think FleMythal will find that Solas has a bit more backbone than he ever had in the past. He’s not alone now. He knows he’s not alone. He’s got friends. He’s got someone who deeply loves him in a romanced Solavellan playthrough. I don’t think Solas is going to be very happy with his dearest ‘best of them’ Mythal.

Best of them? Yeah. It doesn’t mean she was actually good.

So Mythal isn’t dead. I think she’s likely to be one of if not the BBEG along with whoever that voice was at the end of the teaser. My money is on Troy Baker ❌️for the VA and I’m really curious if I’m right. I’m thinking that’s probably Elgar’nan. God of Vengeance. Perhaps Mythal and Elgar’nan patch up whatever divine argument they’ve been having via celestial couples therapy or something. Who knows.

I think we’re going to see a split path depending on the choices of the player for Solas. Depending on our choices, he could go really dark, or he could have a redemption arc. Patrick Weekes tweeted to me that ‘there’s a possibility of a happy ending for Solavellan’ so I still have hope. I trust Weekes to write a satisfying conclusion to the Solavellan Romance. (I just don’t trust Bioware as far as I can throw them.) Weekes was the lead writer on this game, so I think it’s a good possibility that that’s how it’s going to be structured.

I think the game will very possibly be a multi-act structure like DAI. The first act is possibly going to be like the Hinterlands leading up to Coryphyfish blowing the hell out of Haven. I think the veil coming down is going to either be what starts off the game ✅ (like the explosion of the conclave in DAI) or will be the final ending situation of Act 1. Again. Player choices will likely affect this to some extent.

But y’all? That veil is coming down. ✅ And yes. I’m aware of that silly new name for the game. I don’t like it. (That ‘the’ was a mistake. Veilguard by itself would’ve been much better linguistically.) But if you’ve been following my ramblings about Dragon Age for a while, y’all will know I have issues with their linguistic usage and editing already.

Dumped Drunk and Dalishious did a fantastic piece on her blog about the veil. It’s here if you haven’t read it. Firstly, the veil was never meant to exist in THEDAS in the first place. If you deep dive the lore (and trust me, I really have. A LOT.) It’s obvious that the veil has been the cause of more problems than it has fixed. It’s been slowly killing magic in THEDAS since its creation. It has to come down. It’s also as holey a granny’s doilies anyway. Solas taking it down in a controlled fashion is very likely going to prevent far more deaths than if it keeps just falling apart piecemeal like it’s been doing forever. It’s unfixable and it really really needs to go. ✅

So once that veil drops… I don’t think it’s going to be as horrific as everyone has been bellyaching about forever. Solas’s often misquoted and wildly overblown lines from Trespasser (seriously do y’all even know what the word genocide means? You make me doubt.) are very likely a red herring at best. People are being willingly misled. ✅ I can’t really blame y’all.

Weekes is an absolute Master at playing people’s expectations and assumptions off of their preconceived notions, then throwing a bomb of ‘oops you were all wrong and it was right in front of you the entire time’. They’ve even said they really love to write things like that. I want to write as well as Weekes does when I grow up.

Humans existed before the veil. Why wouldn’t they afterward? Given some of the lore, Qunari also existed before the veil. Why wouldn’t they continue to? Will there be chaos? Yup. ✅ But change is often painful. And if anything needs change it’s the world of THEDAS. (Both for story reasons and for gameplay reasons.)

One of the changes I think we’re likely to see is the implosion of the Chantry. (I am absolutely hoping for this. I’m not a fan of organized religion on a grand scale like that and the Chantry has soooooo damned many skeletons in its closets and atrocities under its belt that I will absolutely celebrate when it burns to the ground.)

Which will happen if it comes out that Solas put up the veil in the first place and took it down too. The Chantry either outright claims or strongly insinuates that the maker put up the veil. It’s the cornerstone of their entire faith. Also, in the story Genetivi Dies in the End in Tevinter Nights, Genetivi is absolutely wrecked by the discovery that everything he’s ever written as a travelling Chantry Scholar has been a lie. The Chantry is going down.

So, there’s gonna be some chaos there. And that’s not going to be Solas’s fault because that veil is coming down anyway.

And can you imagine the absolutely hilarious chaos that’s gonna happen when word leaks that an elven god-mage was the one who is technically the ‘maker’ by Chantry doctrine? With all the horrific racism and sheer awfulness the Chantry has done to elves over the centuries? I’m popping popcorn.

I think we’re gonna see Felassan again. ✅️ Cause that elf isn’t dead. And no, Solas didn’t kill him. Please trust me, I’ve combed through all the lore, I’ve read The Masked Empire where it supposedly happened several times, and there is not a shred of actual proof that Solas was the one who did the deed. It’s a Weekes misdirection again. They've got the nickname Tricksy Weekes for a reason.

The actual facts about the 'murder'.

It was someone Felassan worked for.

Someone he knew.

Someone who he knew wouldn't listen to his reasoning. (Solas has been shown to actually listen to his friends and let them change his mind.)

Someone who could very likely have been female because Felassan likens the murderer to Brialla.

It was someone who could fade-walk or move in the fade.

Mythal can do that.

A Somniari/Dreamer can also fade-walk.

Probably most of the still extant Elvhenan can do it (which there were quite a few of in Mythal’s temple).

And we know from DA2 that at least one modern born Somniari/Dreamer exists in the world.

Point being, there’s no actual ‘Solas killed Felassan’ spelled out anywhere. No, not even in Cole's lines in Trespasser. Those lines only indicate that Solas knows about Felassan’s ‘death’ and that he’s sad about it. Cole talks in riddles and references to modern TV shows all the time. I have no idea why people take him even remotely literally.

I have a few theories about this.

IF Felassan’s spirit actually was killed in the fade (possible) his body wasn’t. His body would’ve been just lying there in the woods breathing like any other Somniari. Possibly made tranquil (which we know can be reversed).

What if Solas lost his original body in putting up the Veil?

What if he had a deal with Felassan or maybe came to Felassan to help him get back to his body after the attack and Felassan decided he was done and wanted to move on?

They're said to be friends. Never said to be employer/employee.

If Solas was awake and in the fade and sensed an attack on Felassan, he'd certainly have gone to help.

What if he gave his body to Solas?

Felassan's 'death' chronologically lines up to when Solas 'woke up'.

Felassan has purple eyes. So does Solas.

Felassan has fade-green magic. So does Solas.

Felassan is incredibly powerful. Stares at Solas.

Felassan knows far more about Fen'harel than even a scholar would.

Felassan knew far more about Eluvians, ancient Elvhenan, and The Forgotten Ones (Imshael is a Forgotten One) than anyone would reasonably expect any elf to know.

Felassan let Imshael see into his head about what was coming in the future. Which Imshael almost got off on. Imshael loves destruction and chaos.

I can make a list as long as my arm on similarities there. So, either Solas didn’t kill Felassan and the old? Felassan will be in the game once the veil falls, or it will be revealed that Solas has actually been wearing a (voluntary because a soul cannot take a body involuntarily) Felassan suit the entire time.

Probably blew some minds there, huh?

So given that Weekes has said that if Felassan was a popular enough character they would consider bringing him back… I think it’s likely we’ll see something to do with him again.

Also? The sheer hilarity factor of elves who do not want magic (Fenris anyone?) getting magic returned to them is going to be sweet.

I think we’ll see blood magic as a much bigger mechanic than in previous games. (And I hope they did some work on it to make it make more sense this time.) The game is going to have a lot of Tevinter content. Blood magic is a big deal there. Ergo… it’s likely.

Given some of the things that happened in Tevinter Nights, which honestly really feels like a teaser book to DA4 (I really hate the Veilguard name) I think it’s likely that we’ll see the Templars again. They’ve been in every game and book so far. I doubt they’d get rid of the useless bastards in this one.

Given some of the things in Tevinter Nights, I think it’s possible we’ll see just as many puzzles as we did in DAI, if not more. I’m hoping for more. I do love puzzles in these kinds of games.

I believe it’s highly possible that whoever drank from the Well is going to be completely fucked. Especially, if they follow a ‘kill Solas’ route. Remember who the well binds you to in Trespasser? Bingo.

I think it’s very likely that someone close to the main character is going to be a dual agent of Fen’harel. And it will not be someone we expect. We’re all gonna be side eyeing the mages after the last three games. But what if it’s a warrior or rogue who hides their magic? There was at least one character that completely hid their magic in Tevinter Nights.

We’re going to see more of the Evanuris and The Nameless/Forgotten ones. I base that on Imshael being in DAI and in Masked Empire and some of the dialogue between Felassan and Imshael.

Titans. We’re going to see the titans waking up and being royally pissed off. This is going to cause so much chaos for the dwarves. Who will also regain magic and a kinda creepy hive-mind thing, too. Again. That’s not going to be Solas’s fault.

We’ll have at least one Gala event. Very possibly in Minrathous or Vyrantium. Hopefully with better clothing.

Finally, for things I think likely… The Grand Necropolis in Nevarra is gonna burn. People seem to forget that Solas doesn’t just fight for the freedom of the Elves. He fights for the freedom of spirits too.

In case you haven’t read it… the Nevarrans imprison spirits in the corpses of their dead using mages called the Mortalitasi. I really don’t think that is going to sit well with Solas. In fact, I know it doesn’t. It’s spelled out in Tevinter Nights.

I think it’s probably going to be a quest line for the main character to go and save the necropolis or let it burn to free the spirits. This, of course, will be one of the choices that matter and likely another pinch point on whether Solas goes dark or gets a redemption arc. It will also deeply affect Nevarran politics and the way the country is run. The Mortalitasi basically rule the monarchs of Nevarra sooooo. It’s gonna cause chaos there too.

We’ll obviously see a lot of chaos with the Qunari. Their culture is splintering already. The Antaam have decided to go off the rails and attack anything and everything. Maybe the Ben-Hassrath will be able to rein that in. Maybe not. I don’t have very many predictions on the Qunari to be honest. They’re at war with Tevinter at the end of Tevinter Nights so that war will figure heavily in the game, most likely. But how that’s going to play out I haven’t a clue.

Some mechanics I think we might see.

Fade-touched weaponry that can stop mages.

Elemental interactions. (IE: Magic lightning x water = lots of zap)

Magically treated arrows. ✅️

More magical bombs and poison effects. (I might be just wishfully dreaming there because one of the things I miss from DAO is the poisons and traps mechanics. They felt like an afterthought in DA2 and DAI. I want to be able to make cool traps and set up ambushes again.) But there was that story with Dorian in Tevinter Nights where several of those things were used, so maybe? It would be cool.

I think it’s likely that we’ll see the Despair Demon from Tevinter Nights. And I’m still so mad that they fired the writer of that story. It’s one of my favourites.

Some things that are very possible? But I’m not sure of and could just be wishful thinking.

I think we might see Abelas again. (Abelas romance? Pretty please? ❌😭) His story does have one of those endings that kills him so it’s possibly just wishful thinking. But they brought Leliana back for DAI, so I don’t see why they couldn’t with Abelas too. And also, I have a voice kink and love his VA Matthew Gravelle.

We might see non-linear storytelling. I kind of hope we do because I love non-linear storytelling. Perhaps one storyline will be Arlathan (through dreams or time travel perhaps?) and the fall of it so we finally get some answers to all of this lore. (Please let us get some answers!)

We may see some problems from a rather irrational faction of people who say they’re working for Solas but are using methods he would never approve of. They may be sort of like the Venatori in the last game. Though I do think it’s likely we might have to fight a few more of the Venatori too. ✅ They’re still out there having really messed up rituals and stuff to destroy things.

I think it’s possible given a few clues in the lore and in Tevinter Nights that we’re either going to see not just a double blight (regular darkspawn and red lyrium darkspawn) but a triple blight with the green/yellow lyrium found in Ghilan'nain’s labs. Remember that Ramesh only destroyed one of them. There are eleven more. I think that’s going to very possibly be a big part of this game.

Settings/Levels/Areas I think likely.

So, we already know that the game will be taking place in the north of THEDAS. That’s a no brainer after the map reveal in the teaser.

But where exactly will they take us?

In Tevinter, I think it’s very possible we’ll see Minrathous ✅ and Vyrantium. We may see the Black Divine’s/Archon’s palace.

We’ll see Arlathan Forest. ✅ That I’m almost certain of. We’ll probably also see ancient Arlathan somehow. (Dreams or barely used time-travel mechanic from DAI?)

We’re going to be spending a lot of time in the deep roads and even farther below the deep roads. And dear developers please let me have some answers to all this lore.

We may spend some time inside a Titan again.

Pre-veil drop, we may spend some time in the fade. I actually hope that with the veil dropping we get to rescue whoever got left behind in DAI. That would make my heart so happy.

We’re likely to see the crossroads at least a little bit.

Antiva! Gods I’m looking forward to seeing Antiva.

Anderfels/Weisshaupt. We have no idea at the end of DAI or Tevinter Nights or Last Flight what the hell is going on up there, so I think we’ll have to find out in the game. Also… more chaos that is most definitely not Solas’s fault.

Rivain?

I think we’ll see the Golden City. And the Black City. Which is likely the same place.

And I don’t think it’s up in the sky. I think it’s deep underground below the deep roads.

Ships! I think we’re going to see some more ships. That’s based on a story in Tevinter nights and some of the splash art. But gods I really want more ships. Especially in a place like Minrathous or Antiva for fuck’s sake!

I think we might see some underwater levels for various reasons. And I hope we do.

These next things are honestly my hopes and dreams that would make me so happy, but I have little to back them up with as far as lore or books/comics and supplementary materials.

Polyamory options. PLEASE give me polyam romance options. BG3 did it. It’s 2024 and only 30% of dating people are monogamous. Get with the times! ❌️

I want CC body sliders so bad. ✅ Give me the ability to make a fat player character please! Not just because a lot of gamers tend to be on the heavier side but honestly? Because a fat adventurer is going to be able to go farther than any skinny twig. Real strong men/women/enbies do not look like gym bunnies and models. They have a good layer of fat over that muscle for stability. Guess what fat is? It’s energy storage. A fat adventurer is going to be able to survive longer than a twig. I could go on… but come on Bioware. Be brave. Let me have a fat adventurer. ✅️

Decent. Fucking. Hair. ✅ Please let the CC have decent hair options. LONG hair options! Let me have my long haired elfy prince dude!

Isabela cameo. She’s one of my favourite DA2 characters and some of the early splash art makes me hopeful we’ll see her again. ✅️

I’m hoping for DAO origin style stories for the Main Player Character. But ideally? We’d have something like BG3 where we could play one of a number of origin stories or make our own blank slate character. ❌ Given the gossip going around the gaming community I’m thinking this is unlikely, but damn do I want it.

Useful. Mounts. Please let us have actually useful mounts. And GRIFFONS. ✅ Give me flying mounts you cowards!

Prosthetic using characters. ✅ Bioware has the worst track record when it comes to ableism, but gods please. They’ve got it set up perfectly with Inky losing their arm. There’s a prosthetic leg user in Tevinter Nights. PLEASE LET ME HAVE PROSTHETIC USING CHARACTERS.

Better Crafting Options. The crafting was okay in DAI. Especially if you mod it in so you can buy the stuff to do so easier (I really hate killing dragons but it’s the best crafting material!). But it also often felt more like an afterthought?

Better. Clothes. Seriously. Give me some razzle dazzle with the clothing. ESPECIALLY since we’re going to Tevinter where how you dress is absolutely important!

I know this is sniffing the genie smoke here, but could we have actually attractive armour options? With BRIGHT colours? Research shows that a lot of historical armour was 1. Gorgeous and well fitting. 2. Brightly painted! Let me have bright colours! (And please not the yellow plaid. Ugh.)

I hope for more gardening options in whatever base we end up using. I loved the gardening options in DAI, but they weren’t big enough for my plant loving heart.

I really want to see Solas in flying Wolfie form. We see him like that in Tevinter Nights. So, I really hope we get to see him like that in game.

Finally… and I know I’m high on my own hopes here… I really hope we get the gifting options back. Completely unattached to approval is fine. I just want to be able to find the perfect gift for my companions like I do in real life with my friends. It brings me so much joy.

Things they’re likely to fuck up.

Sadly, I think there’s some things Bioware is very likely to fuck up. This could just be me being too pessimistic, but they’ve screwed these things up throughout the entire series and to my knowledge they didn’t hire any diversity consultants in the making of DA4 sooooo…

Ableism. Bioware has a terrible record when it comes to ableism. ✅ (the demon design is going to cause visual strain and possibly bad effects for epileptic gamers).

White-washing. The North of THEDAS is like the South of Earth. If they make most of the people there have light skin I will probably boycott the fuck out of Bioware for the rest of my life. ✅️

No fat character ability in CC.

Really fucked up hair options. Seriously Bioware. It’s bad.

And I think they’re going to be in trouble when it comes to the Lords of Fortune. Look. I love the idea of the class and I even love how a lot of them are described in the books. But it’s absolutely glomming onto the stereotype of the Romani, and I don’t think that’s going to go over well at all. It won’t for me with my Romani heritage, and it really shouldn’t for anyone. Cause you know what that stereotypical usage is? It’s Racism. Bioware also doesn’t have the best track record regarding racism either.

As more thoughts come to me I’ll either append stuff to this post or do others (probably the latter.)

And here are my links if you want to toss me a buck or two as a tip. I'm recovering from a pulmonary embolism (do not recommend) and every penny helps because I'm the sole income for my family.

And if you're in Canada like me you can use Interac. Kaija.rayne.author@gmail.com.

As always, thanks for reading my rambles!

[leviethinsaint]

HORROR RP PARTNER SEARCH

Hi my name is Leviethin or levie for short. I use he/ they pronouns and I am an open and safe space for any trans or poc role players. I’ve been rping for over nine years. I’m a literate to novella style writer. I tend to write over ten or so paragraphs sometimes more depending on the subject.

I write third person past tense. I write for all sorts of fandoms. I do both cannon and oc writing as well. I tend to only write men, though there are times I can be flexible. I usually prefer male x male but that can be flexible as well.

⭐️I am 23 and married so I’m only looking for friends and adults to write with. Please be at least 20 I feel a little off writing with anyone younger. As I tend to write very graphic and at times smut content most of my plots have it in them.⭐️

I have a ache for horror now that the fall season is upon us. I want gore and violence, I’m ready to get into all sorts of spooky things. I’m open to doing doubles, that way we can have any plot or story we want! I’m also okay with doing one on one writing.

⭐️though if we are doing one on one writing I prefer we write our characters as switches. I don’t entirely enjoy only getting to play one dynamic role. It’s flexible if we do doubles so I can be the dominant for you if you’d like and you could be that in return in mine, I’m willing to talk it all out if you have any questions⭐️

I’m not picky about any ideas just yet. But I love the Michael Myers’s and scream (ghostface) type of slasher. The floor is open for all sorts of discussion I’d love to hear any suggestions or ideas. I’m still formulating some myself. I do however want it to be pretty dark and violent. I know that’s not a thing for everyone and that’s okay!

⭐️but now onto my triggers and such, I’m pretty okay with a lot. I enjoy getting to write freely I’m someone who believes it’s a way to work thorough a lot of traumas. So I only have two triggers, nothing with children or animals at all. And no deep descriptions of vomit, it can be mentioned but no super detailed information I have a horrific phobia. But other than that I’m pretty okay with anything. I tend to lean into taboo things I find it fun to write something I don’t entirely understand or experience. Im open to pretty much all kinks and such when it comes around to the smut as well! I’m open to discussing anything you have in mind.⭐️

⭐️⭐️SUPER IMPORTANT, I work full time and am married while in school. My schedule is pretty full, so there will be times I cannot reply every day. But I try to get replies out within one or two days. But I will absolutely keep you updated If anything changes or happens. Please be flexible with me and I will do the same with you⭐️⭐️

If you’re interested and would like to rp message me here. Or comment on this post! Then we can discuss a bit and move onto discord!! I hope to make some great horror friends, happy spooky season all you little freaks♥️✨

[tigsbitties]

talk to me about karin

Okay I yapped WAYYY more than i meant to um

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual probably. I don’t have any super strong thoughts about this is just feel it in my heart. I’m not sure if that’s something she knows about herself or not though. no time for dat goku. I’ve seen the specific take before that Karin is bisexual with a preference for women but subconsciously likes daan bc he’s effeminate and that’s fun i think. i dont need some queer eyepatched foreigner getting my dick hard :/

Gender Headcanon: I’ve tossed around the idea of him having transmasc swag before— not in a “rude and assertive woman has to be a man” type way (something i see people swear up and down is both common and a problem? but i literally almost never see anyone headcanon canonically female characters as eggs so what’s the truth.) but more so as an extension of the ���i know i’m right about this why doesn’t anyone believe me” theme going on with his character (tangent unrelated to this but i think a character who was constantly gaslit growing up who now can’t accept being told they’re wrong about anything bc of the fear of being put back in that situation to be super fucking interesting. Karin i love you.) like spending your childhood being talked down to and having things you know to be factually true about yourself and the world around you be repeatedly denied is a transgender experience i think. i’m not sure in mainline canon this is something he’d ever fully figure out or act upon but you never know.

I think in a modern day au he’d have a deeply cringey teenage truscum phase because stupid fucking Dalia doesn’t believe he’s trans bc “you were such a feminine little girl growing up 🥺 who’s making you do this why are you drifting away from me after all i do for you 🥺🥺” so he takes out that pent up rage on Daan (also a teenager on tumblr in this hypothetical scenario) who he sends anon hate to for triggering his “second hand dysphoria” and will not believe daan when he says he’s cis bc he “types in all lower case” and “has a carrd” . they meet in person years and years later for unrelated reasons with no memory of this. This is a lot of words for a headcanon I don’t even follow consistently I realize.

also jesus pocketcat can you fuck off? he’s wearing his dysphoria jacket.

A ship I have with said character: I am a huge daarin guy to like a HUMILIATING degree. i know that’s like. the most basic ass redditor wholesome chungus ship choice a person could have or whatever but it’s something that canonically has a lot going for it i think. You have to understand that first and foremost i live for banter— which they have in spades, their party talks are so fucking funny. I love having them both as party members when i play through termina— god especially the one about Daan’s soft hands? Why do you know they’re soft? did you feel them? are you susssing this out by just looking? i don’t know which is worse. jesus christ.

but besides that i think this little bit encapsulates a lot about what i find interesting about their dynamic. Karin’s insistence that Daan, because he is visibly wealthy, must be prissy and fragile to over compensate for insecurity at coming from a well off family— completely unaware of the fact Daan has spent large chunks of his childhood fending for himself in the woods. Daan’s complete disinterest i’m giving a serious response because this is such a bizarre thing to get caught up in. “just making small talk” you’re unwell.

The two of them def go beyond “characters i ship for fun”. i do think they’re two halves a whole in that you need one to fully understand the character of the other— like Karin is someone born into aristocracy who has rejected it both because of the ways it’s hurt her (created a scenario in which a malicious adult had unfiltered access to her bc her parents were too busy to care for her making paying someone else to do it more convenient) and more broadly the way it hurts those at the bottom of the class system (which is most people) and how Daan is someone born and horrifically abused at the bottom of that system who managed to weasel his way up the ladder and gain the necessary tools and education to survive at the cost of making a spectacle of, and by extension reliving, that abuse.

Likewise i think the two of them have more aligned goals than they realize. At the end of the day i think both them genuinely really do want to help people— regardless of what subconscious hang ups or insecurities are part of that want. For as stand offish as she is and her tendency to antagonize those who probably don’t deserve it, Karin is deeply passionate about the welling being of others and will do anything she thinks is necessary for a greater good— even if it may come across as exploitative or insensitive. Like there is definitely 100% an element of ego to it— the idea of “if i help others then that makes me a good person™️ and i should be praised for being a good person™️” is totally there— but it’s not all there is to it you know?

Likewise Daan being a doctor coexists as both a testament to his own lack of agency in his life and how his body can be used and discarded how anyone else sees fit if it’s for a greater good and as something he does because he cares about other people and wants to put good into the world. Like even if he comes to the conclusion that the people of prehevil are too far gone to be helped in a way that matters, he still makes the effort to figure out if something can be done about it. And i do think it’s a testament to his character that he mentions his primary clients he sees are prostitutes— people who are made to feel ashamed and dirty for their occupation, something he can empathize with and would want to help without judgement. I like the argument Daan and Karin have in the slums about why these people are sick and what they should be doing about it, because at the end of the day no matter how badly their personalities may clash they want the same thing. Alright buddy you got two options here. you can either have someone help you to affirm their ego or as a form of self harm. those are your choices. choose wisely.

I also really like that like. Karin’s an atheist in the actual sense of that word where she doesn’t believe in gods or magic in a world where that stuff is very tangibly real and Daan is an atheist in the way characters in christian movies are atheists where they do believe in god they just have personal beef with him. do you understand. i like this party talk a lot

In general i think they strike such a good balance with their clashing personalities of having very real issues with each other that are interesting to explore while also having banter that is genuinely really fun to read in a game so often as unpleasant as termina. I’ve seen people complain about people watering down Karin’s “genuine hatred for daan” for the sake of fluffy ship content— and i can see that broadly from the angle of “art and fics about on these two tend to focus on them arguing in a light hearted cutesy without exploring why they clash in the first place” but also like? idk i think “genuine hatred” is a bit strong for what in the game itself largely leads to comic banter. I think there can be emotional complexity intertwined with lighthearted scenarios. I don’t think anyone’s light hearted daarin post canon is hurting anyone or necessarily means they “didn’t understand” the source material.

In general the appeal to me from a romantic standpoint comes in the form of seeing how these characters who have already established strong feelings towards each other in an incredibly short amount of time could potentially develop if given the chance to. And i don’t even think i see them ever “dating” per say? I think their relationships with the concept of romance in a traditional sense would be very complicated and not something easily applied to each other— but i think in a post canon scenario where they’re both still alive there’s plenty of opportunity for an emotional intensity to form there— one that’s not entirely negative or positive. I think like it or not they have the best chance at understanding each other, even if it takes work to get there. Also their soul types match. if you evennnn care.

TLDR: they’re this image to me

A BROTP I have with said character: I don’t think i’d have a strong opinion on it if it wasn’t for the sheer amount of cute art of them, but i’ve become super endeared to Karin and Abella. less “BROTP” and more “thing i ship just less than the thing i mentioned above” . not something i have incredibly strong opinions on currently but i’d love to listen to someone who does speak about it. OH OH ALSO the post about Daan, Karina, Abella, and O’saa being in a polycule? Literal Peak. that is like the perfect cast of characters we have reached scooby doo levels of perfect character group.

A NOTP I have with said character: Not a fan of her and Pav but not something i care about or think about that much.

A random headcanon: I can totally see her being the type of person who doesn’t like cats and thinks they’re obnoxious and asocial and yadda yadda until a stray sort of worms it’s way into her apartment and she can’t get rid of it and now she has a cat forever. Its so annoying and she hates it sooo bad (it is the most spoiled animal on the planet). I can also def see her needing to get glasses at some point— mostly bc i think it would look nice on her. adds an extra layer of “old man who wants to sit on his chair read his newspaper and smoke his pipe”ness to her. I also crucially think she has OCD but that is a topic way better suited for another day I HAVE YAPPED ENOUGH. OH OH and i know her jacket was probably given to her by one of her brothers which if true makes me wanna eat sand and die but it would also be really funny if the unspecified “he” who gifted it to her was like. a scorned ex lover. Daan and Karin being each others rebound is an idea that makes me laugh way harder than it should.

General Opinion over said character: Karin is definitely one of the fear and hunger characters of all time to me and it makes me really sad to see her get reduced to “bitchy delusional woman” bc of her, very understandable given the everything, paranoia and stubbornness. Her backstory especially fucks me up so bad i feel a little insane that i never see anyone talk about it? like jesus christ. I think she’s a character who is both deeply entertaining and has a lot of emotional depth that makes her really fun to poke at.

[mogai-sunflowers]

there are many, many things wrong with queer discourse- it’s ahistorical, revisionist, pointless, very often racist (specifically anti-Black), completely English-centered, etc. etc. and all of those are things that absolutely are important and should be discussed more.

but one thing I’ve never seen mentioned or really discussed at all is how completely cissexist it is. the whole idea that ‘dyke’ is only ever associated with lesbian identity ignores how it is very commonly also aimed at trans people who were AFAB or CAFAB. the whole idea that ‘fag’ is only ever associated with gay men ignores all the AMAB/CAMAB trans people who have had that word thrown at them all their lives.

transmasculinity is very often the target of lesbophobia. lesbophobia is centered on misogynistic ideals of defining womanhood around perfect gender conformity performed for cis men. the same queerphobes who view lesbians as deviating from womanhood, view trans men, transmascs, and nonbinary people who were AFAB as women who are “wrong”. A bigot doesn’t know the difference between a butch and a trans man who doesn’t pass as cis. all they see is a deviance from the ideal of womanhood. sexuality and gender are inherently linked in normative definitions of the two- a cis lesbian often has similar experiences to a trans man. they are not the same, but the world sees them the same.

trans women who don’t pass as cis are very often perceived as gay men. the world views trans femmes the same way they view gay men: as “perversions” of manhood. Gay manhood is viewed as inherently less “manly”, and trans women are viewed as just “men in dresses” and there are links between these strains of queerphobia for a reason- because yet again, bigots don’t care how you personally identify- if they see a trans woman who doesn’t pass as cis, they will judge her the same way they judge a feminine gay man, and will use the same word, fag, to describe her.

the other day, I saw someone say “when has a femme woman ever been called fag?” because they genuinely didn’t believe femme women could say ‘fag’, and while that’s not true even for cis women, I saw that and just had to really sit back because as well meaning as this person was, it was clear trans people never even crossed their mind. trans femmes get called fag all the time. transmascs get called dyke all the time. that’s why this whole discourse over who can and can’t say fag or dyke within the queer community is always painfully cisnormative. trans identity is not some separate entity from gay identity. yeah, gay men both cis and trans can be lesbiphobic, gay women both cis and trans can hold prejudice against gay men, and cis queer people can be transphobic. but we all have much more in common than we think and it’s really time more people started acknowledging that.

and of course as always, race plays a pivotal part in this but I am not qualified to speak on that but I welcome additions from POC on how race plays a factor in this discussion.

[lavender-teardroplettes]

Thank you for that post about To. and I am so sorry about everything. This was so well put together and not throwing around straight insults in each sentence. I see both sides throwing around hate without even explaining their sides of why they're sticking up for him or why they're mad. I was also one of the people giving him a chance to come back and apologize, people say stuff in the moment all the time and I felt like he deserved that chance. But, then he just left.

At first I thought his post was okay, I understand not getting neopronouns, not liking the idea of people showing too much at pride parades, or people under 18 getting surgery. Those are things I could understand but when the n*zi and racism down play happened? I was in shock and upset. Still, I wanted to at least give him a chance to comeback fresh and see if he would apologize... but he left.

If I'm being honest. Both sides weren't handled at all properly and you guys who explain it make it so much better to understand then others just writing it off as hate, telling people to kys, or getting called cis and not trans, which I am, as an insult. Everyone is still upset so I'm letting it go but I will stand by what I said and if that gets me hated just for giving him a chance or not supporting either side than that's okay. Thank you again for your amazing post and I hope you have a wonderful day.

TW: I’ll be detailing some of my experiences subtly and trying not to go into full detail.

Hi there. I don’t know who you are, but thank you for reaching out.

There’s a lot I want to say on Tom’s views, but many people have done that for me with their own time and energy and I appreciate them. I’m going to use this space to come out and say that I use neopronouns now in light of the situation. You’re allowed to use he/him, they, them, and fae/faer/faers when talking about me. I’ve been wanting to use these pronouns since first learning about them back in…idk…2014(?), but….I’m Black and of indigenous heritage, it’s hard enough being nonbinary on top of everything.

I highly suggest taking courses in gender and sociology, it was one of the most informative and open spaces for discussing gender, gender expressions, and touches on intersectionality within the Black community and being Queer during my college years as someone who was told that if I entered those spaces that I’d be molested…despite that happening more in the spaces I shared with cis/straight people .

I will echo what a lot of people have said and what I know from my own personal research as a trans person in an unsupportive family and as someone whose partner’s adopted little brother is going through: Children don’t go through gender affirming surgeries. In some cases, a 16 year old can with expressed consent from a therapist, their parents, and themselves. And honestly? It’s no one’s business. Out side of that, most children are placed on hormone blockers until they’re over 18 and able to take the right hormone replacements to experience puberty properly and develop what they need to before surgeries are viable.

On the topic of pride, in my experience in both small communities and going to San Francisco pride, there are safe spaces for children. Parades usually have an itinerary that parents can look at and guide their children appropriately. I am 100% on the side that human bodies aren’t inherently sexual as a demisexual person. It’s on the parents to PARENT their children appropriately, not complete strangers just trying to exist and feel good about themselves for ONCE instead of being afraid of hatred, death….so much…it’s so fucking much…

That being said….yes, I wanted to give him space. I really wanted to give him a chance to do better, but he’s going to have to do a lot more now before I forgive him or accept an apology and actually move on and want to engage with his content again. I just want people to really sit and conceptualize the situation and just how much people are hurting. And if I have to be that voice, then I will be. Please bare with me. 🙏🏽

Again….no harassment towards anyone. You’re allowed to realize your mistakes and apologize, but there’s work you need to do to make it stick.

Edit: Also, people are allowed to be upset, but there’s a line when you send death threats. I AM, however, in the sentiment that the only good N*zi is a dead one. Half of my family didn’t flee to America for no reason- if they weren’t already fighting against them. Those are harsh words, but it’s my truth seeing the PAIN it’s caused my family first hand. I wouldn’t ever wish that on anyone, but you are NOT in good standing with me if you support any form of N*zism.

[rainydaydally]

Here in the labyrinth (I’m trapped) Chapter 4

Warnings:

T-slur

Deadnaming

Misgendering

Gay people!😱😱

“You love me?”

Kyle asks. “Of course, Kyle. I thought it was pretty obvious. We’re both idiots, aren’t we?” Stan laughs. “I can’t believe you love me. I could’ve sworn you were straight. Even though you’re my super best friend, I must have been pretty off, huh?” Kyle smiles, feeling like his old self again. “Can you believe it? Stan *loves* me! Me! Kyle Broflovski! The same Kyle who was just outed to his entire school a few hours ago!” Kyle thinks, already feeling better, and almost forgetting about the series of events that happened earlier that day. Almost.

“Can I… can I kiss you?” Stan asks hesitantly, not wanting to make Kyle uncomfortable. Kyle answers by grabbing Stan’s jacket and pulling him closer to slowly press their lips together. “You look so cute right now.” Stan laughs a moment after they pull away from the kiss. “You don’t look too bad yourself.” Kyle jokes, looking in Stan’s eyes but then looking away.

They sit in silence for a few moments. “Sh*t…” Kyle sighs out of the blue.“What’s wrong?” Stan asks, tucking Kyle’s hair behind his ear. “I keep thinking about it, just… *so* much has happened today. I’ve been outed as gay and trans, everyone knows that I like you, and I just learned that you like me too. Just… wow. How can that all happen in one day?! And all because of Cartman! I hate his f*cking fat *ss so f*cking much right now.” Kyle seethes, not surprising Stan at all with his level of anger. Stan would probably be just as mad, because what happened today was “seriously f*cked up”, as he would put it.

“He really is an assh*le for that. Is there… anything I could do to maybe help?” Stan asks. “No, no, you’re fine. I’m sorry if I keep making a big deal out of it.” He pauses before continuing. “Actually, no I’m not. I *should* be making a big deal out of this. What Cartman did was really horrible and I deserve to be mad.” Kyle thinks, starting to ramble. “That’s the spirit, dude.” Stan jokes, moving his gaze from Kyle’s eyes to his red lips. “Shut up.” Kyle eyerolls, laying down on his bed, but still making sure there’s enough room for Stan. Stan lays down next to him, and they both stare at the white ceiling. 

“Do you want to sign Cartman up for those sh*tty websites that give you spam mail?” Stan asks out of the blue. Kyle laughs, pushing him gently. “Dude. Is that the only revenge plan you can think of?” “Pretty much.” Stan shrugs, taking his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it. Kyle watches over his shoulder as Stan puts Cartman’s email into a bunch of websites. “This is stupid.” Kyle eyerolls, grabbing his phone off his nightstand and when he unlocks it he notices the 5 missed texts from Cartman. “Hey.” “I’m not sorry about what I did. Stan deserved to know he actually had a crush on a girl.” “Lying b*tch.” “Kylie, answer.” “Whatever, tr*nny.” Kyle sighs, “Great.” He thinks, and doesn’t reply to Cartman. He knows he has read reciepts on, and leaving Cartman on read might make him more mad than responding to him with a cringe *ss comeback.

Stan ends up spending the night with Kyle. When they wake up it’s Tuesday, a school day. The night before, Kyle’s mom gave him permission to skip school for the day, because of the events that took place yesterday. Stan’s mom also did, just so he could take care of Kyle and make sure he didn’t do anything irrational, which Kyle rolled his eyes at.

Kyle wakes up to Stan holding him tight. He slowly sits up in bed and starts to scroll on TikTok. Eventually, Stan rustles around and rubs his eyes. “Hey Kyle.” He says, voice hoarse and tired. “Hi.” Kyle says, barely above a whisper. After a bit, they manage to wake up enough to get breakfast. They eat some cereal and then play video games. 

12:35 PM

“Dude! I literally won the game. I have no idea why you’re acting like you’re better!” Kyle laughs, pushing Stan playfully. “I am!” Stan eyerolls as Kyle gets up to turn off the video game console. “Do you want to go for a walk?” Kyle asks, hoping for some fresh air. Stan perks up and nods. “Yeah, of course! Whatever you need, dude.” He says, and they do. They walk to Stark’s pond, and sit down together, holding eachothers hand. “I’m so happy now. Even though Cartman outed me… I guess I wouldn’t be with you without him.” “You’re right, I guess there’s good in some bad things, huh?” Stan asks. “Exactly.”Kyle replies, placing a kiss on Stan’s cherk before laying his head on his shoulder.

They walk back to Kyle’s home a bit later, watch movies, and chill out. 

Kyle’s mom soon arrives from work, but Stan and Kyle don’t notice. They are laying in Kyle’s bed cuddling. At the worst moment possible, Stan turns toward Kyle, and kisses him. Before Kyle can process what’s happening, his mom is yelling. “Stanley Marsh! What on Earth are you doing?!” Stan quickly stops kissing Kyle, turning to the woman standing in the doorway. “M-Mrs. Broflovski! I-I can explain!” Stan quickly says. Kyle can feel his breathing getting faster and faster, his chest rising. “Okay? Then explain. You too, Kyle. I want to know EXACTLY what was happening. “W-well we were kissing.” Stan says. “And why would friends be kissing?!” “Ma, alright! We’re dating! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” Kyle screams, tears falling from his eyes. He knows he shouldn’t be screaming at his mother. “Don’t talk to me like that, Kyle! Stan, I’m calling your mother right now to tell her we’re dropping you home.” Stan jumps out of the bed. “Mrs. Broflovski, please dont tell my mom we’re dating. I’ll tell her later, I promise. Please.” He says, following her down the stairs as she goes to get her phone. 

Kyle stays in his room, stuggled into his blankets and crying out of humiliation, as Stan keeps begging Sheila not to out him. “You’re lucky I’m not one of those people who out children.” She says to him, calling his mother. 

Sharon: Sheila? Everything okay? Is Stan alright?

Sheila: Hello, Sharon. Yes, they’re both fine. I’m just wondering if I could drop Stan off at your house in about… 15 minutes?

Sharon: Oh yes, that’s fine. Thank you for dropping him off.

Sheila: No problem, heading out now. Goodbye!

Sharon: Bye!

____________

Sheila sighs, hanging up the phone call and putting it back into her purse. “Gather your stuff, Stan.” Stan nods quickly, and runs up the stairs.

“Kyle? Can I come in?” Stan asks, sniffling. “Yeah its unlocked.” Kyle says, and Stan opens the door to see Kyle wrapped up in his blankets. “Your mom is dropping me off at home. Don’t worry Kyle. You have nothing to worry about, okay?” Stan says, sitting on the edge of Kyle’s bed. Kyle just nods, sitting up and wiping the tears off Stan’s cheeks with his thumbs. “I guess you should get your things together.” Kyle says awkwardly, getting out of his bed and helping Stan pack his stuff back into his bag. “Are you almost ready?” Sheila asks from downstairs. Kyle sighs, “Yes, ma. Just getting his things together.” Soon after, Stan and Kyle practically tumble down the stairs, and to the car. Kyle goes to sit in the back with Stan, as usual, but his mom interferes by saying, “Kyle, sit up front with me.” “It’s not like we’re gonna kiss back there.” Kyle mumbles quietly, closing the backseat door and getting into the passenger seat next to his mother.

Ao3 fanfic

Wattpad fanfic

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5

[eroticcannibal]

I’ll just get this out of the way: I believe in transandrophobia or whatever people want to call it, I believe in listening to trans mens experiences.

BUT. I cannot stand most of the big people on here who discuss it for reasons similar to the recent post you made about how privileged women still experience violence.

I once saw a thread of trans men all saying that cis white women who fear violence and being kidnapped murdered, shouldn’t fear that, and that any cis white woman who is scared of misogynistic violence has just been brainwashed by mainstream true crime and crime shows, and a couple people said “lol they don’t want you why are you scared”.

I am a white cis girl (I’m also a trans guy but that’s not super relevant rn lol). I fully know my privilege and frequently have discussions along the subject of white privilege with friends of color. I don’t shy away from the topic.

but I have almost been kidnapped twice in the short 18 years I’ve been on this planet. One of my earliest memories is that experience in a shopping mall. Every cis girl I know, white or not, has had real life experience at least once with this kind of thing.

and when I saw that thread, it made me feel ill. To me it feels like so many other trans guys on here decided that the “being a man doesn’t make you bad” doesn’t apply to any other privileged group because they didn’t want to be seen as deniers of other forms of privilege. I also saw an entire thread where a shit ton of trans guys were literally saying that, because white cis women are the physical “vessels of the white race”, then apparently we are not at risk of domestic violence because cis white men need us to keep their dream of a white supremacist world alive. and many people responded with righteous outrage just to be dismissed as “well they are just trying to defend white women”.

the fucking rampant misogyny in these spaces is so fucking hard to deal with, and they complain all day about how people ignore issues men have, then turn around and act like one form of privilege means your other experiences of oppression don’t matter.

so long story short thank you for those posts I’ve been so ducking exhausted lately trying to find a balance between discussing transandrophobia with other transmascs, and protecting my mental health from all the misogyny in those spaces. it’s so fucking tiring.

U get it. U get it. And yeah this sickening attitude towards women is rampant in spaces that support the idea of transandrophobia (and honestly I think this most recent wave of "progressive" misogyny is squarely on trans men who believe in transadrophobia, and insay that as one of them) I wasn't sure if I was gonna call out that group specifically myself but since u bring it up!

Also I think we saw the same post cus that sounds like one of a few that set me off lol

Like im not even shocked at ur experiences there. I have experienced and seen some SHIT while playing the role of a white cis woman. And it was all normal. The women who raised me to always be on guard did that for a reason. The distrust of men among white women isnt from brainwashing, its from knowing half your friends were molested by their male relatives and seeing their mothers get beat every evening.

But also that other example you discuss... now I've not seen it in these spaces specifically but I have seen *some* people dismissing violence against white women due to something something white supremacy and just. Its truly sickening. Its evil. (And shows a fundamental misunderstanding of white supremacy, female subjugation is an intrinsic part of it).

And yeah like you say. Any time someone brings attention to any of this shit its "how dare you defend WHITE women". As if they arent still women.

And especially when the social space i occupy still overlaps with the experiences considered that of white women, when I'm facing these justified fears of violence (again) in my day to day life.... yeah. Its fucking exhausting. When the spaces that claim to support my experiences as a man dismiss my experiences and fears because those are the experiences and fears of icky white women. (When they arent even mutually exclusive categories, and even people like me and the most cis of cis women have more in common than difference)

[thatoneao3author]

Interstellar Ian - gallavich kid’s show au

i can’t find a discord server to ramble about a gallavich-centric au i’m working on so i’m gonna ramble about the concept here. I am writing a fic for it so I’m not gonna go in depth on the specific plot points, just the idea/background/set up

if you are interested in specifics, though, i’ve already posted a few excerpts from chapter one on this blog under the tag ‘Interstellar Ian AU’. 

so seriously hear me out here

ian gallagher is the host of a kid’s show in the same vein as Lazy Town, Blues Clues, etc. He serves as the host who takes the viewers through adventures in a space setting in a show he scored when he was fifteen: Interstellar Ian. it’s on PBS Kids, which is a educational kid’s channel here in the US that is publicly broadcasted and easily available to everyone for free via libraries and youtube and such. shows like Arthur and Sid the Science Kid aired there. it’s actually a really good resource for low-income families with kids but that’s a rant for another day. ian’s show is on their roster!

Frank scammed his way into getting Ian one of his first minor roles when he was fifteen but from there, it was all Ian working his way up. Being an actor screws with all of Ian’s plotlines/erases them even down to the earliest episodes in season one, but most of the rest of the show’s canon still plays out the same except the family’s financial strain isn’t as high for a couple years while fiona uses his income for the household. 

it kinda evens back out once ian is an adult and moves into a little apartment closer to set and becomes independent. Ian continues hosting this show into his early adulthood, even though it’s starting to become evident by season eight of Interstellar Ian that they are starting to run out of fresh content and maybe should’ve wrapped it up a few years ago. 

Instead of dating Mickey first, Ian actually meets Trevor (trans guy from around season six/seven) FIRST bc he costars on the show during some of the earlier seasons. they have a secret relationship and it eventually goes public, drama, drama, drama, and oops Trevor isn’t an actor anymore and he goes on to open his shelter/queer youth program. Ian and Trevor are on good terms by the main timeline of the fic though 

ian remains host of the show and after the initial drama, he becomes well known as a queer icon/actor, especially for young ppl who watch the show/grew up watching it

During the filming of season seven of interstellar ian, Ian also messes around with the new director on set: Caleb the ex firefighter. They don’t get caught or anything but there is still drama and they decide to step back and Not Do That Anymore 

Ian has a Thing(tm) for messing around with cute guys on the set of his show and he swears off of it forever. 

forever lasts until there is a new electrician hired to the set, reformed criminal!mickey milkovich

in this universe, mickey decided to stop being a major nuisance to the world because mandy got custody of their half-sister from earlier in the show, Molly, and he wants to be able to help them out or at least not cause more problems for them. so he took a course and is a certified electrician who signs a contract with the show because he needs long term + stable work. 

Ian can’t drive. he just doesn’t have a car, he never got a license because he got caught up in the acting thing gig around the age that he should’ve gotten it and now he has too much pride to do it. so he leaves the set an hour or two later than basically everyone else. everyone knows this, he was even given a key to the warehouse they film the show in because of it

so, when mickey starts showing up as the actors and crew are leaving to fix flickering lights and switch around wiring, the star of the show is still just There. because despite being famous and rich, his main form of transportation is the public kind and that’s inconsistent 

ian and mickey meet due to this overlap in schedules and ian spends the first chunk of the fic struggling because he doesn’t wanna mess around with another guy from set and cause unneeded drama, while mickey seems to like him- but not because he’s an actor/minor celebrity, just because he’s “pretty or whatever” 

that’s the general gist of what’s going on, but some other cool details include: svetlana stars as ian’s hairstylist/makeup artist who faked her way there with a forged cosmetology certification, mickey has one pierced ear and maybe a cat, ian takes care of franny a lot + mickey steps up for his younger half sister: molly (so you get like, familial/dad-like gallavich at a few different points), the fic is ian centric and in his pov, and there is a multi-chapter gap in the fic where gallavich “aren’t dating” but are basically in a relationship and I know some of you guys love that trope based off of most of the fics i’ve read in this fandom 

I think that’s all I wanna reveal but if you have questions or thoughts, feel free to reblog/send me an ask with them! the plot plan for this thing includes 15 chapters total and i’ve written 4 of them in their entirety. I’m thinking i’ll write all/most of the fic before I start posting it, but we’ll see what happens!

if you wanna know when this fic goes up, make sure you follow this blog. I’ll be using the specific tag ‘Interstellar Ian AU’ to organize information on this, as well. thanks <3

[angelwiththeblue-box]

what is in a name?

here it is!! my personal narrative about my process of choosing a name, hope you enjoy

(taglist in the reblogs, lemme know if you want to be added or removed)

.

It wasn’t anything serious. My roommate was out at band practice, the library, or class, and my boyfriend was eating dinner, so it was just me. I was in my bed, rewatching Bee and Puppycat when I got a phone call. I ignored it, as usual, and went on with my night. And then I got the call again, from the same number. I answered it, curiosity overtaking my anxiety when it comes to answering phone calls, and regretted it immediately. 

I came out to my parents at seventeen. I didn’t expect anything of it, and the first couple of weeks after they didn’t even try to use my name. Sometimes, there will be moments I wish I didn’t come out, moments where I think maybe it would’ve been easier if I just accepted the deadnaming and moved on with my day, but I didn’t. I came out to my dad first, not really out of choice, but out of necessity, and it was awkward. I came out to my mom when I thought she was in a good mood and it went less good. You know, if there’s ever something I recommend when a trans person tells you that they’re changing their name, don’t tell them that you think the name is bad. That is not the thing they want to hear. 

But no matter. I’m out. I’m thinking of changing my name again, which will be an all-around hassle and has definitely played into some of the regrets of coming out the first time. 

One of the things that I held onto when watching a queer Q&A done by one of my favorite YouTubers was that you don’t ever come out once. It’s a misconception on TV that once you’re out then you’re done. It’s a lie. I’ve come out to so many people so many times and it’s exhausting. 

There was something about that phone call that put me in a state of heightened anxiety. I said it already, it wasn’t anything big, but hearing her on the phone, repeating my deadname over and over trying to figure out why no one was responding wasn’t fun. I hung up after getting past the initial shock and blocked her immediately. I figured out who it was the moment she started talking. I deleted her number two years ago, and I have no idea why she called.

In my time of pondering changing my name, I think about that phone call, about my initial action of not being able to move out of what can best be described as fear, as if she was going to crawl out of the phone and demand we play dress up like we used to. (I hated dress up. She loved it. It’s a very good analogy for our entire friendship.) I thought about hearing the name I use now on a call like that, repeated over and over, demanding for me to say something. Would my current name reach a point where my deadname is, where I can’t hear it without feeling the anxiety that shakes me to my core? 

And then I realized I don’t have many good memories attached to my deadname. It’s either lost to the ether that is my terrible memory, or there just aren’t any. My current name, on the other hand, is something dear to me. I got it when I was thirteen, my parent’s internet safety tips flitting through my head and I needed a screen name for a new social media site I was trying. It’s the name I had when I met my boyfriend and all of my favorite people, and the name I use now, discovering myself and who I am, and how I reinvented myself in college. It’s never going to have the negative connotations that my deadname has because it’s not my deadname. It’s a name I chose for me that fit me for six-plus years and the name that everybody excluding my family knows me by. 

I didn’t put much thought into my name the first time. I picked my favorite fictional character, and over time, I shortened it to what it is now. I didn’t need to put much thought into it, as at the time, it was only a screen name, something I used to end chapters of stories and sign off messages to people who I’ve lost touch with over the years. 

 Sometimes I wonder what would my name be if, all those years ago, I had picked something else, some other fictional character, or a name that I personally liked more than my own? Sometimes I wonder if my mother won the argument with my father about my deadname, if it was after a Jane Austen character like she wanted it to be. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I, in the four years of using my screen name, decided to change it. Sometimes I get carried away in the what-if of it all, which doesn’t help me now. 

I have a notes app list on my iPad with all the names I’m considering, with reasons I do or do not like them. My favorites are the ones that my friends gave me, suggestions written in the tags of blog posts, and sent to me over messages. Every so often, I’ll think of a dumb name and I’ll text my boyfriend about it. I’m not one for coming up with names. My process for coming up with names for my characters is to look at baby names until I find something that fits. Or text my boyfriend because he’s always been better at coming up with names than I have. It’s a process that works well for characters, but it’s harder when it’s yourself. 

My list includes fictional characters, fantasy-sounding names, and vibes that feel like they’ll fit. I don’t know if any of them are right. I don’t even know if I’m going to end up changing my name. Maybe I’ll decide it’s too much of a hassle and give up. 

I don’t think I am, though. I’ve noticed I don’t tend to give up on things that are important to me. My parents commonly say it’s my best (and worst) quality. I don’t think that’s of any importance, however. I think my parents have come up too many times in this considering the fact that they really don’t have any sort of vote. 

Now I feel it’s time for the conclusion. What have I learned during this journey, what sort of person will I be, and does my name have any bearing on my personality? William Shakespeare once wrote, “a rose by any other name will smell as sweet.” It’s shockingly accurate for my own struggles. Does my current name truly reflect my own life? Does having a different name reflect how I act?

Conclusions are meant to wrap things up in a nice tidy bow. There’s meant to be a set beginning and a set finale. I don’t really think that applies here. This isn’t the ending. My notes app list of names is only getting longer, with no clear ending in sight. I prefer that, to be honest. It’s more fun when things are left open-ended, with more room to draw from your own life, and more room to figure out where to go next. 

[thebossestunicycle]

not even 2018 me would believe my situation right now.

i have this friend that i’ve known since 3rd grade. he’s actually why i got into music in the first place since he invited me to see a concert with him. it was my first and it changed everything about music for me, even though i only went because I liked him. this was in 7th grade.

flash forward to 9th grade, when we ended up at the same high school. i still had feelings for him but we had kinda drifted apart due to some stereotypical middle school drama in our friend group back in 8th grade. For some reason, I get another one of my friends to try to set me up with him. He rejected me. Between the embarrassment I felt and the pandemic that shortly followed, we drifted entirely.

but in full honesty, despite how hard i tried to scoff the idea of him off, i missed him. our moms are friends so i heard about him all the time. i wanted to talk to him again, but i thought he would want nothing to do with me if he found out i was trans (i was closeted outside of my very small circle). i would see him in the halls all the time and the most we would say to each other was hi.

it made me sad, but eventually i stopped thinking about him. music became my life over covid and i decided that it was something i wanted to pursue in some way for the rest of my life. that’s what made me land on audio engineering.

so i got into my first choice school for the program i wanted. I had learned how to play bass just to get in since I wanted a change from percussion. Decision day comes and everyone at our high school has on a sweatshirt from their college.

i look through the crowd only to see that he had on the exact same sweatshirt as me. later, his mom told my mom he was going to school for this weird major called audio engineering, and since it was a music school, he auditioned on bass.

insane odds right?! when i found that out, i really didn’t know how to feel. i thought i was never going to see him again after high school. i planned to go by a new name that wasn’t even close to my old one. i felt like i needed to reconnect with him but i was afraid he wouldn’t accept me. so at first, i planned to act like i barely knew him.

flash forward 6 months. he is genuinely my best friend at this college. sometimes our bass professor is an ass and we laugh our way through it. i have every class with him besides for my math and writing classes. we get dinner together on monday nights and breakfast every morning (fuck those 8AMs, man). more importantly, it’s like we picked off right where we left off years ago. the only difference is that he calls me a different name.

our time together had sent me digging through all those old thoughts again, and over the past month, i’ve started to realize that maybe some of those feelings never died. he’ll do the smallest thing for me and i can feel myself almost turning red. i feel like I’m floating after we hang out.

i’ve never had feelings leave me as dumbfounded as i am now.

when i get back home, all these what ifs flood my head. part of me really believes we could have been something if I wasn’t trans. today we looked at each other in a way that I kinda can’t describe and now I’m scared that he still sees me as a woman. what would he do if he ever found out i was into him again? what would the next 4 years of school look like, where I’m in a class with just him and the 3 other bassists in our grade?

on nights like these, i sit around and listen On The Floor by Perfume Genius until my brain can’t take it anymore, when i’m sure I knocked all of those feelings out of my system, because I know for a fact that we will never happen. but then i wake up and walk down to our class and by the end of the day, i feel everything all over again.

how long is this gonna last?

[atikal]

Persona 4 mod maybe?

For a while now I’ve been playing around with the idea of making my own mod for Naoto, not something like the trans mod (as there is already one for that, A++ highly recommend checking it out), but rather a mod that fixes the more iffy bits in Naoto’s story that come off really weird/messy.

This infamous line would be changed to something like “But though I look forward to the day I become an adult, I don’t want to change who I am at my core to fit some ideal.” or something like that. Like i know it’s implied(?), but it honestly just sounds like Naoto doesn’t know what being trans is and is forced to give up on being a man because they don’t know that’s a thing. 

This is a weird one, I was actually watching a JP playthru to see what it was in Japanese (Yosuke says “Should I start calling you ‘Miss’/’Lady’ from now on?” which like even the JP player was like “huh? What?” I would change it to something like “You’re a pretty cool girl.” Cause Naoto strives to be cool rather than cute, so this is something that would still fluster her but make her happy.

This is more of a personal gripe with this scene/line cause like? Didn’t you already establish that you were a girl in your dungeon? Why is she stating it like some kind of ephinay? Also her being a detective was never something she questioned/had problems with, like I don’t understand this line at all it’s so out of place. Trans Naoto mod just replace “woman” with “trans man” so it’s still an awkward and weird line that is just why. 

Would love to somehow change the pagaent scene so it’s not as forceful, but idk it might be a lost cause, the entire culture festival is shit smh

There’s a handful of other minor changes I would also make too, let me know if ya’ll have any ideas/suggestions

(btw I wouldn’t be touching the romance part of her SL just cause there’s already a mod out there that fixes it so it’s a lot less weird, another A+++ mod that I would highly recommend)

[semifinel]

February - 2023

Games

Disco Elysium- I’ve actually been slowly going through it for over a year (I would play for a few days and then take a break for a few months and then forget where I am and restart). However I finally finished it and I can very easily say it’s one of my favorite games ever. The writing, the style, the music- what’s not to fucking love.

I could talk about this game for hours and I have actually done that enough to convince friends to play it as well. But I probably can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before me.

Great game- I might be in love with Kim kitsuragi.

Rain world(?)- to be honest I haven’t played it (yet?) but I spend way too much time watching gameplay of it and videos about it, went into a deep dive in the wiki. This world absolutely fascinates me, the ecosystem is just wow- even though it seems like a very difficult game I might actually get it one day.

Decide to include it cause it’s my list and I make the rules, also it ate a chunk of my month.

Monster hunter rise- this is my second time trying to get this game and last time I (apparently) quit before even going on a mission. To be fair it was a combination of my own stupidity and the game’s absolute horrible tutorial that made me drop it so fast.

However given a second shot I’m already having more fun, flipping and riding and monster hunting.

I have no idea if anyone ever cared about a character in this game but the monsters are cool and I love them lots.

Why is there a tower defense section is beyond me- I never liked any kind of tower defense, but this is very much the wrong game for it.

Can’t wait to try a hunt with friends- I heard it’s awesome.

Start again: a prologue- a delightful lil rpg that made me feel a lot. I love time loops as a concept already and this was executed so well- I will cry about it.

Can’t wait for in stars and time!! I need more of this cast and world.

Lookouts- another game I’ve been making my way through oh so slowly, no reason here since it’s not really long. It’s a visual novel and I have trouble focusing on reading, that’s my main issue.

However I’m happy I played it- trans cowboys on opposing sides falling in love and find a way for them to have a life- I am the target audience. I love them.

Hue- sure was a puzzle game. And it was a nice one, pretty sure I got it for free and I mostly used it as something to play while I listen to podcasts. It’s cute and not very long and the puzzles were nice.

Shows

Mob psycho s2- still doing my rewatch, still love my sons.

Darry girls s3- finally got around to it, honestly liked it less then the other seasons however it was a nice end to the show as a whole and I’m glad they wrapped it up nicely.

Animation vs Minecraft- what if I told you the animation you used to watch on YouTube as a child kept going on while you looked away. That there is now a storyline spanning several hours which is very neat and dear to my heart.

How simple are your blorbos? Mine are literally just different colored stick man (they are my sons and I love them very much).

I want everyone to watch it, you can’t understand how hard it goes in the final episodes you don’t understand ahhhhha.

Podcasts

Something rotten- did I start this podcast just cause I wanted more Jacob Geller? Yes.

Am I happy I did that? Also yes.

I do not care even a little about the games they talk about but it’s still fascinating to hear them talk about them (along other kind of related topic)

Personally never heard of Blake Hester before but glad I know him now.

Can’t wait for next season where I might play along since I have one of the games in my library for some reason.

Etc?

The prince by Abigail throne (philosophy tube)- so like one of my favorite trans creators writes a play and uploads it in full- I had no doubt it was gonna be good.

Love the characters, love the themes, and the setting (of being stuck inside a play) is very fun.

But man do I not understand Shakespearean speak but that’s more of a me thing.

Felt a lil cliche/sappy at times but it was cute so I had no problem with it.

[7larson]

tbiny devlog #2

this is a repost of a blog article originally made at near-midnight august 21st, 2023 as i am migrating my blog to a new host. there was only two already written, everything here on out should be new :)

i should have been at work today, but i woke up with a horrible migraine, so instead, i called out and slept in. when i woke up, the migraine was still pretty bad, not in a state to go to work, but i wanted to finish setting up this blog and revamping my website, so i did that. don’t look at my commit history, it’s a mess. don’t migraine & code, kiddies.

today i want to get into a little bit about what the story of this game will be, its inspirations, etc. since it’s an idea i’ve had floating around for awhile, so that’s what we’ll jump into!

many eons ago, i got really interested in the concept of a ghost or spirit that lives in the body of or is otherwise attached to another person. this isn’t a unique idea, of course, it’s been done in a lot of media. the thing that originally drew me to the idea in this case was the Chronicles of Darkness book, Geist: The Sin-Eaters, but a lot of other media i’ve loved over the years has explored similar ideas in different ways, particularly The Blackwell series by Wadjet Eye Games.

i made characters based on this concept, but really wanted to incorporate this idea of the host being the main character, and transgender, and the spirit not knowing how to grapple with that, or something along those lines. in the end i don’t think it works well that way, or at least, is as interesting. i think there’s a lot more room for trans allegory in the spirit being the main character, and being trapped within the body, and having to cope with it being a different body than the one they came from. i want to explore things like gender and mental health through that super cool urban fantasy lens i’ve always grown up being attracted to, and what better way to do it through this story!

so that’s where our story starts. This Body is Not Yours is the working title, i don’t know if that will be the finished title, but that’s what i’m going with for now. you play as a ghost who, in the afterlife, made a deal with a dying person to bring them back to life on the condition that you’re bound to them now. and when you wake up, you don’t immediately remember that, because memories are a little weird when you don’t have a body for a long time. don’t think about it too hard, it’s better for the narrative if you learn these things slowly, i think.

i’ll make it make sense. maybe.

so on to day two of development.

first, i learned some more basics of conditional statements and how to edit sentences partway through using them for quality of reading, basically. i think that will come in handy later.

next, that CSS thing from yesterday was really starting to bug me, and with some caffeine for my migraine and the powers of google, i was able to thankfully find the solution. it turns out i just need to only be exporting the story.js once i have the CSS styling the way i want. oops!

with that in mind, i went ahead and did some more serious CSS styling, so now the game is nice and moody and has an appropriate light and dark theme :) i usually use light theme for everything, because my eyes suck, but i know most people prefer dark theme and it fits the setting, so here’s what it looks like now.

also, i commented out something i want to use later, but left it there so i can use it… later.

i also found out i can use ink’s class defining to define lines that i stitched together through scenes using glue (this all sounds ridiculous if you’re not familiar with ink, but knots, stitches, and glue are all real terms) so i can change the color of what appears to be a single line in the game, even if it’s split into a couple segments in the file. very useful!

this is pretty much it for technical stuff today, i think, the rest is just writing! so… this has been a devlog. tune in next time for god knows what!

[la-principessa-nuova]

So, I don’t know how it happened, but I ended up staying up all night. Honestly, my sleep schedule has not been good for more than a few days at a time since my egg cracked.

I was getting ready to read and go to bed on time, when suddenly I remembered that I’d been meaning to look up how to cover stubble with makeup since my last few attempts to wing it were unsuccessful. So I looked it up, and that made me want to try it.

So then I didn’t and it looked great, but then I didn’t want to just put it on and take it right off, so I decided to go upstairs and play a game. I’ve always recorded my playthroughs of games with the intention of maybe releasing it and never do, so I started using this as an excuse for voice feminization practice, just getting used to speaking at length in that voice.

I played for an hour and a half and decided to head downstairs to bed. But then I was thinking about things some more and I decided I wanted to record a video for posterity’s sake, going over everything so far and where I was at in terms of understanding my identity and what future steps I wanted to take to affirm it and when.

This is ended up being a much longer task than I thought, and there were so many things I wanted to vent about that suddenly my phone died at 4 AM. But I wanted to wrap up the video and say a couple more things I was planning on getting to, so after my phone was back on, I wrapped it up, which ended up taking me until just after 5.

Then I needed to move to videos off my phone to the location I’m storing all of my trans progress photos and stuff while I’m in the closet, but normally I move photos, whereas this was multiple hours or 4K60 video. So now it’s 6:30 and I’m still waiting for the files to transfer so I can delete the originals and go to bed, but I’m now on the fence whether it is better to go to sleep and sleep all day, or given that I’m off from work today, just be tired and feel bad all day and get on a better sleep schedule tomorrow.

Downside is I’m not able to stay up and feel mostly fine anymore like I did in college, so it will be a rough day with very poor focus, jitteriness, and possibly heartburn. The upside is that I will start the day in girl mode and it might be my first day fully in girl mode depending on whether I have to go outside at all.

Also I’m toying with the idea of my newname being either Alice or Lily. I was on the fence about changing it at all because my original name is allegedly gender neutral, but I’ve only heard it used for men, and it was a top 10 male name in my year of birth but not a top 1,000 female name. It feels masculine to me, but I also don’t hate it or anything.

The other day I practiced signatures for several ideas I had for a newname, and the two clear frontrunners were Alice and Lily. I really like both names, and it’s hard to pick which one. I am currently leaning more towards Alice because I feel like I identify with it more, but I think Lily might be the better name in general. I like that it can be shortened to Lil in speech better than Al, and I like how swoopy and curly it would be in my signature. But Alice feels more like me.

Anyway, this is sort of just a wall of text as I unload everything and kill time waiting for my files to transfer, so I’m just not gonna tag it.

I still have time to kill, so I’ll talk about one thing that’s been on my mind, which is all the questioning and doubt that still comes up around my identity. To be clear, I experience clear dysphoria around my maleness and clear euphoria around my femaleness that makes me overall confident that I am a trans woman, but every now and then I get these impulses of doubt, where it feels like I’ve woken up from a dream, and I see the man under the makeup and the wig and I feel like, “What the **** am I doing? I need to stop this and go back to my normal life.” And then I realize that yes, I see the man’s body under this stuff, but then why does the body feel less like me than the wig and the makeup?

And then sometimes I judge my masculine (or even non-feminine) traits too harshly, like surely this one trait being more in line with men than women means I must be nonbinary, or maybe I’m just a bit more feminine of a guy. But then I remember how many cis women I know with the same trait. Not every woman is the paragon of femininity, and I don’t need to be either.

Suddenly the tiredness is overwhelming. I will need a nap at the very least. Good night? Or maybe good morning? Hopefully this is intelligible because I am way too tired to proofread this.