#I started to berate myself for how long it has been and how much worse my posture is right now because of it

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

For context:

A few days ago, @meagancandraw (Night-Waker) and I did a lil' "what-if" scenario in a private server of what would happen if Moon punched Sun after a hallucination-driven breakdown and then ran off and was visited by someone who gave him the clarity he needed.

The following is what transpired:

NIGHT: He's starting to hallucinate, goes to hit one, and it ends up being Sun.

Sun: Moon-! Moon: DON'T TOUCH ME! (THWACK)

And that's when he snaps out of it-

ME: The sound echoes, bouncing off the walls and ringing in Moon's audio receptors. There's a frightening sting that spreads across the back of his hand. The swirling black and red of his vision vanishes practically in an instant as he stares mortified at Sun, who cups his cheek with an equally mortified look. What did he…? No…no no no what had he done-- ?: M-Moon…?!

NIGHT: Moon can only look at Sun, at the hand holding his cheek. It looks dented, and there's specks of dark blue visible between his fingers. Moon slowly looks down at his own hand, and sees where small streaks of paint have been violently scrapped off, exposing the grey underneath. He feels sick. Moon: I- ?: Sun! Lunar runs into the room (Oh God how long had he been standing there how much had he seen), asking Sun if he's okay. The sound is muffled to Moon, however, as he continues to stare at his hand. There's more talking - or is it yelling? - but he can't tell from who. All he hears is static. Horror blooms in his chest and spreads through his circuits

ME: Earth suddenly rushes in as well, looking between the two. She asks what happened but doesn't get an answer from either, so she asks Lunar, who fills her in. Her eyes widen and she looks to Moon- God that look…The way she looked at him--horrified, scared, angry--he couldn't bear it.

Before anyone can think to stop him, he turns and activates a random portal, and flees into it.

-

NIGHT: Moon [begins] spiraling and thinking his whole family must hate him. They should. Not only did he fail to protect Solar, now he's hurt Sun in front of them. He's a horrible brother. They don't deserve as terrible as him. Is hurting his family all he's good for?

ME: (imagine while in Beta 10 he starts hallucinating.)

"What, gonna start drowning in your own pity party again?"

He sees hallucinations of his family, one by one. Starting with Earth. Then Lunar. Then even Eclipse. Then Sun.

Then Old Moon.

All of them berating and sharp, pushing the dagger in deeper. "You promised you would be better." "Why weren't you honest with how you felt?" "You're a monster." "You're pathetic."

"You did the one thing I told you not to do." In the midst of the anguish as the people he loves drive home every wound, he hears a voice he doesn't expect and looks-

to see Solar.

Still a hallucination, but…he is different. He's not shouting at Moon for his failures, he's not calling him horrible things.

NIGHT: "Solar" asking Moon what he's doing here instead of being with his family Moon (crying): I don't deserve to be with them

ME: Solar: What makes you think that?

NIGHT: Moon: Because all I'm good for is hurting them! I hit Sun! I let you die! I can't protect anyone! I'm just as bad as the old me! ME: Solar: Moon. If that's all you ever see in yourself, then that is all you will ever be.

NIGHT: Moon: It's all I am! The old me killed himself because he thought that I would be better, but he was wrong! ME: Solar: Was he? NIGHT: Moon: Yes! Name one good thing I've done that didn't end up backfiring or making things worse for everyone!

ME: Solar: hm. Well…from what I heard about the guy, he didn't have a shred of empathy. So you got him beat on that front. NIGHT: Moon: Yeah… a lot of good that's done for me

ME: Solar: Yeah it has. 'Cept I don't think you actually see what good it's done. NIGHT: Moon: Like what? ME: Solar: well your brother, for one. Would you say you've grown closer since you re-awoke? NIGHT: Moon: I… guess? But I still hit him, and I promised myself that this version of me would never do that

ME: Solar: and you think he's upset with you?

NIGHT: Moon: Of course he is! Why wouldn't he be?!

ME: Solar: well, you kinda just ran before you could see what he'd say.

NIGHT: Moon: … Moon: That's because I'm a coward

ME: Solar: hm…didn't they say he was a coward, too?

NIGHT: Moon: Who?

ME: Solar: the old you. He ran from his problems too, didn't he?

NIGHT: Moon: That's part of why he made me. He had a lot of problems and regrets he couldn't face… If you're here to tell me that I'm doing the same thing right now, trust me, I'm well aware. I guess it's just another thing I have in common with the old me

ME: Solar: I don't think I'm here to tell you what you've already heard.

NIGHT: Moon: Then what are you here for?

ME: Solar: well? You don't want to be like him, right? And if he ran from his problems, what do you think you should do?

NIGHT: Moon: Yeah, I know… I just… (Sighs) I dunno… what if what happened is just the start? What if Sun and the others are wrong about me, and I just keep getting worse?

ME: Solar: everyone has highs and lows, Moon. And the lows can really suck sometimes. That's just how life is. But that's what family is for, yeah? To help pick you back up when you're down?

NIGHT: Moon: …You're right. Heh, even when you're dead you're right … (Tears up) God, I miss you

ME: Solar: (smiles) failing and making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, Moon. It's how you respond that determines how things go.

NIGHT: Moon: I should probably get out of here, huh?

ME: Solar: they're probably out lookin' for ya right now

NIGHT: Moon: Yeah. I should- Sun: (From the entrance) Moon…? Are you here? Moon: Sun? (Looks over at Solar to see that he's vanished)

ME: Sun: (approaches, finds him staring at the mirror) …figured you'd come here

NIGHT: Moon: Actually, I set the portal to random … …Are you okay?

ME: Sun: (thinks for a moment). Not happy about being punched again, but…I'm fine. And…m-more worried about you, honestly.

NIGHT: Moon: I'm… better than I was earlier… Sun, I am so so sorry for hitting you. I don't think there are any words that can begin to tell you how sorry I am

ME: Sun: I know you're sorry. I do. But…Moon, this-- (sighs) This can't keep happening.

NIGHT: Moon: I know...

ME: Sun: Do you?

NIGHT: Moon: … Moon: The old me gave up his life so I could be the better version of him. I already told you what he told me: To protect our family no matter what. That's been my entire purpose since the moment I woke up, but lately it feels like no matter what I do, it's not enough. That I'm not enough. I keep thinking that if I was smarter like him, then Solar would still be alive, or if I did start killing anyone who was a threat - sure, it wouldn't be right, but you'd all at least be safe

…I'm terrified of becoming like the old Moon, Sun. That's the last thing I want, but KC's already dead, and if I can't keep our family safe, then that officially means the old Moon died for nothing! I know that's not an excuse, but I- I can't lose anyone else, Sun!

ME: Sun: we don't want to lose YOU, Moon! Why should protecting our family be only your responsibility?! Family protects each other, it's not supposed to be one person's burden! … The old Moon, he…I get he did what he did to keep me and everyone safe, but…it still hurt people. It still hurt me.

NIGHT: Moon: I know, and I'm sorry. … You're the most important person in my life, Sun. I love Lunar and Earth, but you're the one who keeps me going. It's your light and your strength that inspires me, and I want to protect that at all costs. I want to make sure nothing ever happens to you or the others, even if it means taking on that burden all by myself. I know it's not fair to you, or Lunar and Earth, but I… I don't think I know how to do it any other way. …But I'd like to learn

ME: Sun: (listens in silence, then after a moment he sighs) Moon. I know you mean well. But—I am not a child. I am not some delicate thing that needs protecting. I can handle myself. Earth can handle herself, we know that. Lunar…more or less. (sighs) But the fact is, our lives are not perfect. Things will happen whether we want them to or not. That’s just how life is. And if you’re so busy going around trying to protect US…then who is going to protect you?

NIGHT: Moon: (Ponders the question in silence) I've… never really considered that, to be honest. I didn't care what happened to me as long as you guys were okay. I can… see why that's a problem, now that I say it out loud… (Sighs) I really screwed up…

ME: Sun: yeah. You did. (he steps and engulfs Moon into a tight hug) but who hasn’t screwed up? I’ve made mistakes. Lunar, too. I’m sure even Earth has. But at the end of the day…we’re still a family, aren’t we? (he squeezes him) You’re a real idiot sometimes, Moon. But you’re still my brother, and you always will be.

NIGHT: Moon: (He hugs him back with his first genuine smile in a long time) Heh, thanks, Sun. I love you, brother

Unbeknownst to any of them, "Solar" is watching them as they leave the bunker. He smiles at the group before fading away…

--The end--

[penkura]

Special [2/2]

Note: Second part from this request here! Sorry it took so long, I've been burnt out and just struggling to get things out lately. I'll have an update post later today, I think.

Sanji really does feel awful when he realizes what’s going on with you, why you walked away and said you wouldn’t bother anymore. He hates how he’s made you feel, without even realizing it, but he never expected you would actually like him back. He’d resigned himself to the fact that, in his mind, you didn’t have any feelings for him nor would you ever. He’s used to it but for some reason it hit harder when he thought it was you that would reject him.

So he never said anything. He treated you normally, as normally as he could when he thought you were so perfect, but it seems like he's made a mistake. He’s made you think there’s something wrong with the way you look, when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Nami has heard it so much from him she’s started rolling her eyes while Sanji nearly cries to her about how much he adores you.

No, how much he loves you. He’s not told anyone else, only Nami, making her concern3d the moment she notices you avoiding and ignoring him. Once she gets Sanji to tell her what happened, she’s so close to smacking him upside the head for being so stupid.

“Of course she’s upset, you’re an idiot!”

Nami spends the better part of her afternoon berating Sanji, who cant even argue with her and just nods in agreement to everything she says. She stops him before he can even ask for ideas on what to do so he can make it up to you.

“No, you’re doing that yourself this time.”

It takes him most of the day to decide what he could do, what he could say, so it surprises you when he finally shows up after dinner that evening. He’s not looking you in the eyes, but he has your favorite flowers with him, it makes your heart ache a bit, believing he’s done this to every girl he’s ever upset in the past so you don’t move to take the flowers. You’re trying to stop your feelings, he's making it so hard though.

“Sanji—”

“[Y/N], I’m so sorry I made you feel like you aren’t special to me. I…it’s no excuse, but I didn’t think you’d ever have feelings for me like I do for you so I was trying to distract myself from you,” it starts to make sense, but you still don’t move, you’re not entirely sure you can trust him, “If you never forgive me I deserve it, but…can you give me a second chance? No, that’s not right…let me have the chance to make it up to you, and prove you’re so much more than to me than you think you are.”

You’re both quiet for a few moments, Sanji believes you’re completely done with him while you think it through.

A conflict between crewmates over something is always a possibility, but when it’s due to romantic feelings it feels weirdly worse to you. It feels like you’re letting it take over everything, but you’ve had these feelings for so long that you aren’t sure they’ll ever go away, even if you are trying to stop it. You still want to be his friend if nothing else, though it almost seems like he may want something more.

That’s something to discuss later.

Sanji starts to feel like things will get better when you reach out and take the flowers, not looking at him even when he looks up at you.

“…you can make my favorite dessert to start…and explain yourself better.”

The grin on his face makes you smile just a little bit in return, as Sanji nods and takes your hand to bring you to the kitchen.

“I’ll start right away while you put those in water! I’ll make you whatever drink you want too!”

“That sounds nice, Sanji…”

Before you get too much farther, Sanji stops and pulls you into a hug that you return.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t special to me…you mean more to me than anyone else in the world.” You’re going to choose to believe him, especially when Sanji goes the extra mile to make sure you know how much he loves you.

[the-stardust-shard]

What's it really like? How are the people in there? If you wanna answer I've always been curious cause Ive been told I should be in there

Honestly, it depends on your local laws / culture / country / region, but i’m in france so i’ll focus on my experience related to how it works here (incl. laws and such).

For reference, as of now i’ve done 2 stays, both of which were done in a private hospital and not a public one (which makes the experience itself vastly better by default, but still), and before my first stay in a private ward i’ve spent a bit of time in a local public one for single appointments (so no full-time admission but same grounds).

> What's it really like?

Boring. Mind-numbingly boring.

Your entire time schedule is strictly programmed so you spend most of your time stuck to it, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. i included below a photo of the schedule for here to show how much stuff there is inside.

A way i follow it to make it less grating is by noting down the “closing time” for each of those items, so i know when to come to arrive at the last minute when there’s little to no one left waiting, so i have the rest of my time free for myself or activities or whatever, but even then you’ll still have a nurse coming to check on you every so often and coming to berate you if you’re a bit late, so you’re always stuck to this stupid timetable.

time becomes so abstract that if you don’t have a personal watch / personal schedule for yourself, you always lose track of time or of the day. when on my first stay, i actually didn’t come with a watch (because my watch needs to be charged regularly and that’s done with a long power cable which is always confiscated) and until a friend brought one i spent my worst time completely lost and disconnected; i started noting down the day it was and how many days i was in on my hand to keep track of that.

that boredom always brings the worst, aka addictions to cope with that. cigarettes, soda, other binge snacking, and worse. if you’re in a group of people, you’ll often hear someone prompt for a smoke break. i didn’t smoke thanks to my husband bringing me my nicotine-free vape so i can have something to stim with, but i still drank around 100 cans (i have the number due to having collected all the caps) in less than 3 months.

a good thing is that it’s places with easy access to lots of other medical tools, so i’ve been able to see a few therapists, social workers, sports coaches, and that’s overall cool because it’s usually covered by the hospital where it would’ve been paid if i went to meet them outside.

A lot less waiting time and paperwork too, it’s handled for you, so it makes things less annoying to get going, especially if like me you struggle with paperwork and administrative bullshit.

as for the downtime between appointments / activities, it was filled with reading, listening to music, drawing, trading goods and services with other patients (yes, it’s one of the core components of psych ward), and once i felt safe enough to bring my laptop and such, watching series, playing games with other patients, etc.

my first stay gradually became better before the breakdown, but my second stay has been very isolated due to not finding anyone or any activity, so i’ve spent my entire stay reading books and listening to music in my room after having traded some snacks with some people who were going outside for the day.

the worst aspect for me was the food (an issue common with every stay tbf). as a vegan/vegetarian with allergies, i always got the most shitty and bland food possible (idk why in france they put meat in literally everything at every meal of the day), and that was actually what allowed me to leave the ward from my first stay; in less than 3 months i’ve lost 16kgs~ even with the snacking and the sport i did every day and i’ve been in tears at more than one meal due to how bad it was >> at this point i got used to not eating but it’s horribly bad and kinda scary for a medical site.

> how are the people here?

If i’m talking about other patients, the experience will be overall better imho. especially if you can find yourself a group of people in your age range or with similar experiences as you. it just feels.. a lot less judgemental and pressuring than outside. everyone’s fucked up in some way and nobody cares, we’re just here for the same reason and so we just hang out together and support each other when we can/want but even not doing that will not bring any judgement on you.

Staff is more awkward and uncomfortable, especially doctors and such (aka the ones with legal power over you) or administrative staff (aka the ones with power over the doctors and everyone else, but they’re so far up their asses in their comfy desk that they’re all always completely disconnected from reality, which makes their rare appearances very awkward and uncomfortable). On my first ward, i did find a few nurses that were pretty cool and with whom i’ve been able to have interesting or fun talk, but in the current ward i found no one, so the divide between them and us is really uncomfortable to handle.

in the public ward i went a few times for appointments (which was structured like an underground prison, full bars and all) though the med. staff was openly insulting of patients and such… i did witness and fight some shitty staff in the first ward too.

overall the staff is the most grating group, the one who can easily make the stay hellish and traumatize you even more if you’re not lucky.

still, among other patients i’ve been able to meet great friends with whom i’ve been able to spend a lot of good time even after my stay (one of those friends regularly comes to watch movies which we started on our stay, and the other is practicing tattooing with me, some others i’m still chatting with but don’t see as often though. these two specific people were pillars of mutual support during my stay)

you’ll note on the timetable below that it doesn’t even contain everything we need to keep track of in a day..

[npd-confessions]

First of all, trigger warning for non-descriptive mentions of sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, abuse and suicide.

Now, with that out of the way... Oh boy, this is gonna be a long one. But I need to write this down, yo help me to process everything that has happened.

Around a year or so ago, I met this person, one of the rare people that I've found interesting enough to stay around of, who rapidly became my chosen person. They helped me with a lot of stuff, and I idolized them so badly that I turned a blind eye to their constant sexist, homophobic, transphobic remarks for months, despite how uncomfortable they made me as someone who is part of the lgbtqia+ community. However, at some point, my disorder acted up and they reaction to it, well... Let's just say that it was enough to make me have two full-blown panic attacks in the same week, feeling genuinely scared for my life every time I thought about them. But no matter how much I cried they didn't even bother in faking sympathy for me, they just kept going about how selfish and awful I am despite me being the one who got threatened with being doxxed and beated up.

Of course I devalued them after that, which only made things worse as, despite telling me to my face how much they hate me and how much they would hurt me if I gave them the chance, they refused to cut contact, acting like nothing happened. I stayed around out of fear, but the mix of anxiety and devaluation made our dynamic change a lot, and while I tried to pretend for my own sake to still care about them, they would snap at me every time I disagreed with them and/or tried to change the topic when feeling uncomfortable; they used to jab at my neurodivergency and appearence, to question and mock my knowledge, to criticize every one of my likings that they didn't share, saying that I was stupid for liking them, and to order me around, so I got uncomfortable frequently and they snapped at me frequently.

Recently, my mama got health issues, and I've been spending all day with her, being too burned out to socialize when having free time; I told them this, that we wouldn't be socializing a lot because of it, and they tried to emotionally blackmail me into spending time with them, getting mad when it didn't work. I ignored them, as I was way too busy and way too tired to deal with their bullshit.

And they killed themself.

...

I can't say that I'm surprised, I'm not, as they were a very sickly person, with abusive parents and an abusive partner, and they confessed to me that they had been considering it for a long time. They had it hard, and relied on me for support, but it's also hard to support someone who makes you fear for your life, your chest literally hurting every time you dare to think about them.

Now, if I was the person I was some months ago, I would be devasted, mourning the lose of someone who was constantly there for so much time. But after all they did to me, and with how low my empathy is, I mostly feel a weird mix of numbness and relief.

It happened. I could have stopped it, but I didn't, and now they're gone. And I know they're gone, I know they couldn't come back even if they wanted to, but it's hard to accept. At times, I look at my phone, waiting for them to text me, but there isn't fondness when I do it, just anxiety. My chest hurt and my eyes water, waiting for them to start berating at me and blaming me for everything. They don't. They won't. They can't.

They're gone.

I'm free.

And there's an annoying little voice telling me that thinking this way is "wrong," that I truly am awful and selfish for no shedding a tear at their death. And an anxious one telling me how mad they will be at me for feeling this way, for putting my life and peace of mind over them, how they will ruin my life for this.

It's weird, I have to keep reminding myself that they're gone.

I really don't know to end this.

Thank you for giving me a space where I can vent, genuinely.

I completely understand the mix of relief, numbness, and maybe a little guilt that you might be feeling right now. I experienced it myself a few years ago when my abuser killed himself.

I don't have a fix for you. Nor do I really have an answer. But I can say that you're not alone, there's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, and you have every right to celebrate your freedom. Even if it comes under less-than-ideal circumstances.

[garf-lover96]

big vent under cut. i know i never do that here but i just needed to scream at a void. might delete this later

i am trying REALLY hard to keep my fucking peace in this house and not bother anyone just so they don't think to go and bother me but that's just. impossible to do. i've been doing this for my whole life and it doesn't work, it just doesn't. they made me think 10 times before i say ANYTHING so i don't accidentally prolong any conflict so when a screaming match starts i just don't talk and that's wrong too apparently. they tell me that oooh you don't like us you don't want to spend time with us yeahh i wonder why. i'm not even safe in my own room and that's just heartbreaking, there's literally no right answer here. i was in HEAVEN when they all left for a weekend, it was so quiet and calm and now everything's back to normal obviously.

the best part is that i'm the only one that ever thought of getting fucking outside help, while the rest of them deny that they even need it. my sister that literally makes my life hell every day by just berating me for everything i do claims that she doesn't need help because 'i'm the retarded one in the family'. SHE KEEPS JOKING ABOUT BEING ADOPTED BECAUSE SHE'S CONVINCED THAT SHE'S THE ONLY NORMAL ONE HERE. it's like she's blind to her absolutely insane and just sadistic fucking behavior, i swear. i used to want to kill myself about it but i don't anymore, i just want to get out as soon as possible and not talk to any of them ever again. (LITERALLY HAD TO TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE NOW I HEAR MY DAD SAYING THAT ITS NOT NORMAL THAT I STAY IN MY ROOM ALL THE TIME OH MY GOOOOOOD ARE YOU ACTUALLY JUST FUCKING STUPID. ARE YOU SEEING HOW YOU ACT ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS. YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME HATE YOU MORE AND MORE. but i'm not even surprised about it anymore because he's a hardcore catholic that thinks beating children is fine! okay mister!!! you need to be locked up lowkey!! or go to extensive therapy please!)

i try very hard to be a good person i literally developed a fucking complex where i need to justify all my actions to myself because i don't want to be like them very desperately, i want to be better than all of this. but just the amount of hate that i have for my sister. like, i shouldn't even blame her for all of this because it's my parents fault that they didn't fucking do anything about her beating me when she was a little baby. because have i mentioned that she's a year younger than me???? how fucking embarrassing that is that i wanted to end it all because of an immature little bitch that calls me fat and retarded sometimes?????? and it only ever gets worse because all it took was ONE mention to my mom that my psychologist thinks i have undiagnosed autism (it was obvious since i was little, i don't know what took everyone so long honestly) and suddenly my sister heard about it too and now she calls me autistic and retarted and stupid eeeevrerryyyyyyyyy fuckingggg day i just want to bash her fucking face in with a hammer, LIKE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF BREAKFAST. my empathy for her evaporated as well like. years ago. so now when she's getting screamed at i just don't feel anything. i wanna feel bad about it too but i just can't??? i know she's literally just a regularass person but all my hateful memories of her make her seem like she's some kind of evil spirit that was sent to this earth to just torture me. and she still has the fucking nerve to ask me what i'll but for her upcoming birthday. when i used to cry in a corner at my little 10 year old age and pray that she gets taken away like my parents just kept threatening to give her away to a fucking farm or something. I USED TO PRAY TO GOD FOR HER TO NOT FUCKING BERATE ME EVERY DAY AND SURPRISEEE NOTHING CHANGED. i could write so much more about this but my thumbs are starting to hurt and i'm only working myself up more. i will get out and never speak to them again and be at peace soon, i have to believe that it will find me

and the fight that got triggered like half an hour ago and the reason i'm writing this was caused over calling to order a pizza btw👍 love this stupid fucking awful house

[pickledbutt]

I really just want to vent but I feel like a very bad child.

My mom has always made it very clear to me who her favorite child is and it never actually bothered me because I was my dad's favorite but a few years ago my dad passed and ever since it's like it's only gotten worse for me. Before if she'd yell at me or do something in favor of my sibling I'd just tell my dad and he'd make me feel better but without him here it's like there's no escape and it just leads me stewing in my own thoughts and spiralling. Now my mom always has criticism about anything I do or say or want to do but my dad was always so supportive and I could always count on him to not make me feel like I know nothing but since my dad died it's just been criticism upon criticism and it's got too much and I blew up at her we had a big fight and everything was tense for about two months before she finally gave in and said she'd do better.

This was all years ago and recently I decided to start a business. I told her because I'm still a minor and of course she'd see packages getting delivered and ask so I decided to just get it out of the way. She'd been surprisingly supportive and gave me permission to do things. Now all the things for my business have arrived and I've started making my products but everytime I show her something she's always like "well I don't like it and I don't know if anyone else will like it" and stuff like that, before she says anything good she always says multiple bad things about it. This has been going on for three weeks now and I just told her yesterday that I'm going to show people in our church my products and start trying to get customers. I told her I was going to tell my friend (who already has a platform) about it and maybe give her some of my goods to sell if possible and she immediately started berating me that that's not how things are done and all my money is going to go to waste if I do it that way. She said I should start slowly selling it to people but I shouldn't actively seek out people, but if I listen to her how exactly am I going to start selling things. I mainly blocked her ranting out but I left the talk noticably sadder than when I started it. The problem is I've noticed that this is becoming a pattern, I tell her something I did or want to do, she discredits it or tells me I didn't do it well and I always end up thinking of course it's not ok because I'm the one that did it or why'd I think she'd actually say something positive and I find myself never willing to listen to her advice which is wrong cause she's my mom obviously but it's just too much. I'm definitely going to tell my friend about my business because she's also in the same line and has offered to give me tips or a platform if I like.

Anyway this' really long and I don't even know what I hope to achieve from this but I just don't think I should be feeling like this. It's criticism and when anyone else gives it I have no problem accepting it but when it's her I just don't want to listen, aren't I a bad kid? Isn't that wrong or spoilt or selfish of me?

[thejadearia]

on chronic illness and being An Artist with Goals

I had wanted to use this blog more frequently and keep up with posting my art or whatever other creative things I was up to, but this past year was a lot. I started the long process of getting all kinds of tests and scans done to figure out why I have chronic migraine, as well as some other chronic health issues. It's been very frustrating because so far we haven't found any solid answers or solutions.

Despite my colossal lack of spoons, I did manage to make a lot and try a lot of new things this year! My original goal was to complete one art piece per month, so at the end of the year I could have a nice 3x4 grid of thumbnails like all the other cool artists and feel accomplished. But pushing through migraines to try to race to finish something for an arbitrary deadline just so I can have a Content makes migraine worse, actually. So this year was also a year to learn how to balance my goals with my health. No self-imposed deadline is worth making myself sicker!

Having the goal really did help me to accomplish more and keep me more focused in where I was putting my energy. At the same time, it gave me the opportunity to learn to be gentle with myself when it became clear I needed to step back and rest. It's a balancing act, and I will be learning and re-learning it probably for the rest of my life, so I may as well do so in a way that isn't so harmful to myself. There's no sense in berating myself for not working on a project when I'm literally in so much pain I can't open my eyes. That's just silly and unrealistic.

It was a fun year even with all the medical stress! I think I will tweak last year's goal a bit for this year: I want to work on something new or try something new each month, and I'd like to have a finished piece each month, but my health takes priority. And I'd like to post here more, but I think I need to let go of the overwhelm of thinking everything I post has to be finished polished Content.

[forbidden-creepypasta]

We All Start Somewhere

First time poster, long time lurker. I've seen enough newfags get berated to know the treatment and I'm ready for it. Critique and criticism are welcomed and encouraged.

When I was young I never paid much thought to the foul creature who whispered to me in the dark moments before sleep. Sometimes it was too faint to hear, or in a foreign language. But when I could hear it I always wished I couldn't, atleast at the beginning. He only spoke of unnatural death and twisted monsters, never once a pleasant word.

He would tell me in terrible detail of those who have died, and how. I used to think that these were the stories of people he killed, but I abandoned that thought long ago. Once I tried to roll over and scream at him to shut up, but when I tried I could not speak. Since then I've never looked, only listened.

After many nights, for many years, I had begun to look forward to my time with him. It had got to the point when I could think only of death. I would envision every account that I was blessed with the night before, sometimes adding myself to the stories, either as the one causing death, or the one receiving it.

As I got older he visited me less and less until he eventually stopped coming altogether. This bothered me to some extent, not because I particularly liked him, but I did like the stories he told. I relied heavily on his wicked inspiration.

It had been many years since I saw him last, but recently he visited me again. He told no stories this time, but I knew he was there. For the first time in our many years together I spoke to him. I asked why he stopped coming. He didn't answer. I asked if this would be our last night together. Again no answer but I felt it was. Lastly I asked why there were no stories, if he was out. He laughed and said. "It's time for you to make your own stories."

This is a continuation of "We all start somewhere" You should probably read that one first, to make sense of this one. The third paragraph is in italics because that's inner thoughts, but in case there was anyone who didn't know. (not condescending) I am very much on the fence about this one. If you feel the first story works better as a stand-alone let me know.

He told me to make my own stories. I was never sure what he meant by that, but it has stayed with me my entire life, haunting me, and giving my very existence a purpose. Eventually came the day when I would uproot myself and set out on my search. For what exactly, I wasn’t sure, at least at the start.

I just needed answers; there were too many questions and not enough answers. So I searched and scoured for any clues, for anything. After some time I found myself in a distant land. By then I had found what I was looking for, although no closer to actually finding it. But in truth, I had found it, many times.

Begging your pardon. My vagueness is intentional. You will understand before its over, that’s my promise to you. Please understand that this is less for you, and more for me. I doubt you would listen anyway, not now at least. Something’s must be seen. Somehow I know it will all be painfully clear to you before this is over.

I had seen terrible things, and done worse. But it was all in the name of... Well, I can find no name to justify the things I've done, so lets just say it was all in my name. My travels had blessed me with many unnatural secrets that I did not believe mankind was ready for, or ever will be for that matter. So I vowed to only use them for my own gain. Perhaps loss is a more fitting word.

When I was a child I never paid much thought to the foul creature that whispered to me in the dark moments before sleep. So why should it be any different this time. Perhaps I can warn him. Stop him from becoming a monster.

So I spoke, because I knew he would listen.

Credit to: unnatural causes

[dumbwa-sian]

November 6th

These days I don't feel okay, too much has happened and it's making me crazy. we broke up and now it's weird. I never wanted to make the friend group choose sides or have a rift between us. I even told you if being with you was going to cause a rift in our friendship then I don't want to be with you. I would rather have only ever been friends from the start.

Now I'm feeling some type of way and trying to navigate my own feelings and mental health. I don't know what to do and I feel like I've hit a road block. But I really am trying to fix myself and everything but it feels like my friends- our friends are picking sides and their picking yours. This was the last thing I wanted.

I never and still don't want anyone to pick sides. But I no longer feel safe telling them how I feel or allowing myself to feel any emotion around them, in fear that they'll continue to berate and get angry at my own feelings. Like I said I am trying my absolute best everyday to try and control said emotions.

But as anyone will tell you, bottling your emotions are unhealthy and often leads to you exploding. So of course I try to let go of these emotions healthily but I don't know how to do that right now, but I am still trying everyday to find the best solution. Right now I need my friends and people who love me around me, just to listen, let me cry and be angry and laugh by my side, to be patient and just show me love. But like I said, our friends are picking sides and they picked yours.

I no longer feel safe with my friends.

For the first time in a very long time, I really feel alone. All I have is my best friend from childhood who I can truly rely on and call whenever I want/need. In my world, it's just the two of us who I can depend on. I don't have any other true friends or people I can openly talk to and let my feelings out too, free of judgement. Maybe thats why I've been drinking so much.

I've said it before but the emotional pain of losing everyone and having my world crumble is something I can handle. I've done it before and I can do it again. But the problem lies in the physical manifestations of these feelings. Feeling so sick I get horrible nausea, being unable to eat/eating too much, not being able to leave my bed etc. These are the things I can't handle and affect my everyday/professional life. I don't know what to do with these emotions.

What's worse is that I have to figure it all out alone, since I no longer have friends.

I could make new friends but I

Hate people

Am so scared they'll be like everyone else and leave

tired

I am perfectly happy being alone for the rest of my life with no friends and only having superficial connections for work, especially if it means I no longer have to get hurt. I don't think I can handle thinking I have real friends and having them disappear/betray me over and over again anymore. I don't have anyone in my corner and I am losing my shit.

The only thing keeping me sane these days is listening to Christmas music and burying myself in work or being distracted with literally anything else.

I guess I just hope one day I can have REAL friends who'll back me up, but I doubt it'll happen for me and who knows if I can make it. For now I'll post my troubles on the internet, hopefully someone reads this and doesn't feel alone. Cause lord knows I am.

[youngchronicpain]

Did I just do one of my PT exercises for the first time in over a month?

One that I should have been doing every day?

Yes.

And that is okay.

Because I have been going nonstop, and I have been in entirely too much pain.

Sometimes, I have to just get by. But that doesn't mean it isn't important that I pick back up again when I can.

I'm proud of myself. It hurt. But I'm getting back to it.

[saninthebuilding]

"i want to walk this path with you"

summary: in which you have reached your breaking point after one too many hits from the universe, and jungkook is there to help you get back up

wc: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, emotions, angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of family issues, an allusion to su!c!d3, rough head-space, verbal abuse-ish, mentions of weight and self-image, best friends to lovers, jungkook is the best-friend-turned-boyfriend alive

a/n: honestly, it's a self-indulgent long fic that i wrote for myself because these days haven't been too good. the fact that he went live today really boosted my mood, and this fic really shows how much of a lifesaver he is for me. without him, i don't know what i'd do. my life literally revolves around him. he is everything to me.

a/n 2.0: edited and wc updated!

~

today was not a good day.

when i woke up this morning i could already tell something was off. as if the universe were a chess player looking down at my pawn on the board, contemplating whether or not they should knock me down today, only to cackle aloud and tip me over.

and i had been right.

nothing had seemed to go my way today. my insecurities surrounding my image finally resurfaced due to the ongoing conversations my friend group has been having about weight and eating habits and fashion trends. my parents had been making it worse for the past few weeks, one day berating me for eating too much and the next scolding me for eating too little.

or really just yelling at me for random stuff every now and then. it was as though the stress they were dealing with at work (and from my younger brother who made it his life mission to make everyone miserable on a daily basis) was being taken out on me all the time.

of course, i couldn't forget the overflow of assignments and classwork i had to finish on a daily basis. with little to no motivation, it was proving to be really hard to start one thing, let alone complete everything.

and then there was fact that i was starting to feel more out of place in my own skin as the days went by.

it was like everything was too fast and too loud and too bright, but at the same time too slow and too quiet and too dull. it was as if one second everything mattered a little too much, and then suddenly nothing mattered at all.

at least there was no one around to witness me crumbling. my parents had left for a business trip earlier, and my younger brother was out with his friends. being a senior in high school, they had deemed me capable of looking after him for a few days, not knowing it was only adding more strain on my shoulders.

soon, i could feel the build-up of the multiple things i had been facing start to erupt, so when i stepped into the kitchen to try and make myself a quick dinner, i wasn't too surprised to find out that me dropping my bowl of ramen on the floor was my last straw.

then again, i suppose it had been a little too hot.

staring down at the now shattered china, my eyes watered as i took in the noodles splattered across the tiled kitchen floor.

"at least i didn't put too much broth this time" i choke out in an attempt to make myself feel better in this empty house.

it didn't work.

i felt the tightness in my chest grow, fuled off all the emotions i had been hiding for weeks now, begging to be let out. the pinching in my throat was unbearable as i felt the unavoidable onslaught of tears blur my vision.

please.

i give in.

sinking down to my knees by the mess of noodles and broth and china, in the daunting quiet of this house that no longer felt like a home, i heaved a shuddering breath.

and i cried.

sobs racked through my body with uncontrollable force as my tears streamed down my cheeks and into my lap. my hands began to shake, and i pressed my palms to the tiles, taking advantage of their ice-cold feel. my chest hurt to the point where i couldn't breathe, and i wasn't sure why eveything sounded so loud all of a sudden.

a shrill buzz jolted me out of my daze, and i sniffled, turning my head in its direction.

my...phone?

half-crawling, half-dragging myself across the kitchen, i pulled my phone off the counter.

i let out another sob seeing the caller id.

kookie

it was as if he knew.

i pick up as i try to get my breathing under control.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out shaky and strained.

"y/n?"

i let out another sob hearing his voice, quiet and concerned and oh so soft.

"hey, hey, what's going on? are you alright? where are you right now?"

he's panicking, and i hear rustling from the other end which tells me he's throwing a hoodie on.

"...in my kitchen" i mumble, eyes going back to my now-unedible dinner.

"just wait for me," he breathes, "i'll be there in 5 minutes. i'm gonna stay on the line, but just wait for me, ok? can you do that for me?"

"mhm."

i hear a door slamming, and then heavy footsteps. 

suddenly i realize how late it is- around 11:30pm. the fact that jungkook is leaving when it's this dark, that also to come see me, starts to worry me.

"kook it's really late. what if-"

my anxiety must have been evident in my voice, because he's instantly calming me down.

"baby, i'm perfectly fine. i see your house ok. i'll just use the spare key in your garage. i'll be right there."

my heart skips a beat at the pet name he occasionally uses for me. i'm sure he means it as a term of endearment, but it's hard to control myself when i've had feelings for him since we were kids.

and to make my situation even better, he's my best friend.

i let out a choked laugh at how i was crying one second and smiling the next.

"what's wrong? are you ok?"

although his voice comes through the phone, i suddenly hear muffled jangling of keys from the other side of the door, and a lock clicks open. i lift my head to the entrance, and see jeon jungkook standing in my doorway.

he takes in my defeated state, and the hand clutching his phone slowly slips down from where he was holding it to his ear, arm hanging loosely at his side.

he's silent, and i stay where i am, still crouched on the cold tiled floor. my eyes drift to his flushed cheeks and heaving chest, before noticing that his hair looked fluffier due to having faced the wind on his way here.

he's so beautiful.

"oh y/n" he whispers, before kicking his shoes off and rushing towards me. he drops down to his knees in front of me, before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest.

i cling onto him, biting on my bottom lip to keep my sobs under control as the tears start falling again. his hands are rubbing up and down my back, before he pulls back to hold my face in his hands.

"what happened?" he asks, voice shaky as i see his own eyes glistening. "who did this to you? what's wrong? talk to me, baby, i'm here now."

"i'm so tired jungkook" i whisper, the words twisting my gut. "i'm so fucking tired and i don't know how to fix it."

his fingers brush away the salt water streaming down my cheeks, and his face is mirroring the pain i feel in my heart.

"i've tried everything, i've done all i could for everyone in every possible way but it's never enough. nothing is enough, and it's only now that i realize that it will never be enough. i don't even know what they want from me anymore, jungkook, i-"

i let out a sob, and he instantly pulls me into his arms, rocking us gently. "shh y/n, i've got you."

"-and my parents keep yelling and my brother treats me like shit even though i try so hard to make sure he doesn't end up like me, and all anyone's talking about is their image and i'm so uncomfortable with myself, and then school is even more stressful-"

"hey, no no no, y/n, you're not-" jungkook tries to butt in, eyes wide and wet, but i just shake my head hard.

"it's too much jungkook" i plead, voice cracking, "it's too much and i don't know how much longer i can take it."

at this jungkook freezes, staring at me in what seems to be fear. a tear slips down his cheek, and i feel my heart break even more when i realize that i'm the reason he's crying.

"oh no, jungkook" i whisper, and this time it's me that wipes his tears, "please don't cry, i can't see you cry because of me."

he sniffles, rubbing a hand over his face and then over my own, before helping me stand up. holding my hand, he pulls me behind him as he grabs the broom, and keeps holding it as he shoves the mess on the floor into the dustpan and then the garbage. i grab the mop, still clutching his hand in mine, and swipe down the leftover broth that was still on the floor.

placing everything back, jungkook stands with me in the middle of the kitchen, quiet. i keep my gaze on our entwined fingers, unable to meet his gaze.

it's the first time i've broken down this bad in front of him, and i was afraid of what he would say next.

i don't know what i'd do if he walked away from me too.

eventually he breaks the silence.

"how long?" 

startled at the serious tone of his voice, i look up to see him staring at our hands. his jaw is clenched, and although his eyes are still shiny there's a sharpness in them.

"...a few weeks now" i whisper.

he's silent again, but this time when he looks at me his gaze is full of anger- for me.

"and your self-hate?"

i wince slightly, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"...long before that. it kinda just overflowed today..."

"did i..." jungkook swallows hard, as though the question he were trying to ask was hurting him.

"did i make you feel like that?"

my eyes go wide- how could he even think that? i pull him to me, hands covering his own as i shake my head.

"what- no! no, never! kook, sweetheart, you-" i breath out, upset that he even thought he had hurt me.

"if anything you're the only thing that keeps me going."

as soon as i say this, it's as though something in his gaze changes. suddenly his hands are on my waist, and he's lifting me up like i weigh nothing. gently resting me on the kitchen's marble countertop, he placed both hands on either side of my hips, before shifting closer to stand between my legs. when he speaks his voice comes out strained, as his fingers grip the counter edge so hard his knuckles turn white. as if he's holding himself back.

"give me permission" he breathes, and as he tilts his head down to face me fully, i can feel my breath catch in my throat.

"give me permission, and i will make you forget every fucked up thing you ever heard and every cruel thing you ever faced."

the intensity with which he holds my gaze makes my heartbeat speed up, and i realize that there's an emotion in his eyes that wasn't there before.

he leans closer, gently pressing his forehead against mine and closing his eyes.

"give me permission, y/n and i will show you how much you mean to me."

i think back to all the times he was there for me, high or low, night or day. i remember how he didn't hesitate to drop everything and come over the moment he heard me crying on the phone. i take in the sincerity and love in his voice, the way he was so close yet still just far enough to ensure that i wasn't uncomfortable.

and the fact that i knew he would respect my space without a second thought if i said no.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out breathless.

slowly, i raise my hands to cup his face, and feel him tense under my touch, awaiting my next words.

it was him.

it had always been him.

and it will always be him.

because he is everything to me.

"kiss me."

jungkook opens his eyes, meeting my gaze as his fingers grip my chin before he turns his head sideways, leaning in.

i meet him in the middle.

his lips are soft against mine, his touch gentle, as though i were the most precious thing around. placing a hand on the small of my back, he pulls me closer so that i'm flush against his chest, the warmth radiating off of him calming me down.

he pulls away after a while but stays close enough so that we're still face to face.

"i love you so fucking much" he breathes, emotion dripping from his words and his touch and his gaze.

i wrap my arms around his upper body and hug him to me, burying my face into the crook of his neck. he instantly hugs me back, placing a soft kiss to my temple before resting his chin on top of my head.

"i love you, jungkook." 

~

[lantur]

I need to write about something that happened to me last night. It was really upsetting.

I mentioned in a post last week about how my parents' emotional abuse is steadily escalating, with my dad heavily pressuring me to reconcile with my emotionally abusive narcissist mother by saying that he doesn't have long left to live and his soul won't rest in peace until I reconcile with her. It got worse last night. I was talking to him and he started talking about how he can't sleep at night because of fear of what will happen to my mom when he's gone, because "I'm their only child and I need to be there to support her."

I tried to de-escalate and end the conversation, like I have every time he has brought this up since early September. Instead, he put me on the phone with my mom, who immediately started yelling at me, berating me, denying that she ever said anything that was hurtful and offensive - even though I have it all in writing, via her texts and emails. She started yelling about how much I've hurt her.

Meanwhile my dad was pleading with me to "let the past be in the past" because he doesn't know how long he has to live, and start over fresh, and have a relationship with her like I used to, because that's the only way he can be happy and at peace.

He asked that I:

text her every day throughout the day

talk to her on the phone every day

I would like to say I said NO to everything. I was so flustered and overwhelmed at being ganged up on with no warning that I literally just shut down. I put the phone on speaker with Derek there with me so he could hear everything they were saying.

I didn't lose my temper with my mom or my dad, even though I was close.

I didn't agree to text her every day and talk to her every day. I said the most I would do is speak to him on speakerphone with her around if she wants to be.

I know he's not going to accept this and this is going to be another fight later in the week when he gets angry at me for not doing what he wants me to do.

I felt so humiliated and angry after I hung up the phone. It brought back memories of a lifetime of both of them ganging up on me, aggressively berating me, when I tried to stand up for myself. I finally escaped at 23 when I moved out and moved halfway across the country. They've never forgiven me for that and they've been punishing me ever since I left.

I felt so... humiliated. I'm literally almost 30 years old, living independently halfway across the country from them, and my parents are still bullying me like they did for my whole life, trying to control my behavior and actions.

My therapist is, unfortunately, out of the country until early next week. It was too painful for me to be able to talk about this with friends last night. I didn't sleep well last night with all of this on my mind. Derek has been wonderfully supportive since it all happened.

At first I was too humiliated to write about it on tumblr. It's personal, it's embarassing. But there's one reason I want to do it. My experience of a lifetime of emotional abuse by my parents is that I felt profoundly isolated and ashamed while it was and is happening. It's invisible. There are no physical wounds, but mentally it takes its toll and you feel broken. The stigma and the silent shame of sustained, prolonged emotional abuse is real. It can happen to anyone.

[rendevousz]

reunited

req: i was wondering if i could request a natasha x teen daughter reader where the reader has really bad social anxiety please? maybe where the reader was in the red room with natasha but given to hydra once the red room was taken down and natasha has been looking for her ever since she left the red room. on a mission to take down a hydra base natasha finally finds reader, and it's super emotional for the both of them and they're just happy to have each other back. natasha knows about readers social anxiety from when she was younger and sees that it's only gotten worse now, so she's super sweet and understanding. she saves the reader from the base and comforts her the whole way home because she's scared of all of the new people also on the jet (the other avengers). the reader lives with natasha at the compound with everyone else and natasha is just great about her social anxiety and never pushes her out of her comfort zone and comforts her when she has panic attacks. sorry if that's a lot, but thank you so much! i love your fics sooo much, you're such an amazing writer!!! 💖💖💖

mother figure!nat x fem!teen!reader

summary: nat finally finds you after years of looking.

word count: 4083

notes: i didn't make them peers in the red room because then they'd have to be around the same ages but i made them meet at the red room. also i didn't know how to write about her having social anxiety so i hope you don't mind that i didn't 😓 hope you like this <33

"stop," madame b's authoritative voice commanded and all of you stopped dancing. all of your peers seemed to be struggling to stand still on their battered feet, some breathing heavily but who could blame them? you had all been instructed to dance for hours now. you had to dance until you couldn't anymore.

your head faced madame b but your eyes landed on your best friend, veronika, for a split second. she seemed in pain and you vowed to check on her after whatever announcement your supervisor had for you. you stood tall, clenching your jaw in order to not show that you were in pain or out of breath.

madame b's gaze flickered to you for a second, her lip lifting up on one side for a brief moment before her face hardened once again.

"i have someone special here today. she's here to observe your training and if necessary, teach what you girls lack. she has long graduated this academy, please welcome miss natasha romanova."

you jolted awake, panting hard at the memory that just played in your dreams. you looked around you, seeing the same cell wall you had been put in for the past three years. after the fall of the red room academy where you were from, another organisation came and swooped you in, not wanting to waste your skills. you were the only one they took, having heard much about your abilities and reputation in the red room.

the girls stood all around you and veronika, watching the two of you spar tirelessly after hours of endless ballet. natasha and madame b watched the match closely, eyes trained on your techniques and movements.

after natasha had introduced herself to all of you, madame b had instructed her supposedly two best students—you and veronika— to demonstrate a true spar between skilled assassins.

while you were reluctant to attack your best friend, she had other plans, one that included impressing her idol who stood mere metres away from her. you were shocked when she started attacking you. never had she obeyed a command against you so quick.

you had to put away your initial shock to start attacking back in order to not get hurt by the hands of your own best friend. the look in her eyes was different, almost animalistic. it wasn't like the one she had when you two were laid in your beds side to side at night, handcuffed to it while you talked about your deepest struggles being in the academy. it wasn't the same one she had when you reassured her that she was doing okay whenever she said she would never be as good as you were at this whole assassin thing. it wasn't the same innocently surprised one she had just moments ago when she was addressed as one of madame b's best students.

this wasn't your best friend. this was a girl blinded by her desire to impress. she wanted to show natasha that she was the better one out of you two. your heart broke when you saw her desperation. it was obvious in the way she fought you.

it wasn't long before you had her in a chokehold, the girl struggling to get your grip off of her. your face visibly faltered, eyes tearing up slightly when you heard her whimpers. natasha took notice of this.

your lips were quivering when you turned to madame b. a simple nod from your trainer had you whispering a strained 'i'm sorry, i love you' in her ear before you broke her neck. the girl fell limp in your arms, dropping down to the mat, dead. you panted heavily as you stepped away from her body.

"good. this is what i expect of all of you," madame b turns to your peers, the stone cold look back on her face. "one thing you need to perfect though, y/n, is your emotions. don't get emotional over things that don't matter. i saw your inner conflict. veronika would have no reluctancy to end you if you were the one in the chokehold. she was more mentally prepared to be a ruthless assassin. you're lucky you're more skilful than she is. she would have no hesitation to kill you, close companion or not."

you swallowed that lump in your throat, biting the insides of your cheeks to prevent crying right then and there. "you have a lot of potential, y/n. don't let your emotions ruin it. i have high hopes for you." she spoke once again, before dismissing everyone.

you left the room with a heavy heart, turning to look at veronika's body one last time before leaving quickly so you could break down where no one else could witness.

you rushed to the staircase where you and veronika would sneak away all the time when you were supposed to be having lunch. you two would always sit under those stairs, talk about anything and everything you could. your tears were now freely rolling down your face.

"hey," you heard a voice say and you quickly wiped your tears away. you looked up and saw that it was none other than natasha. "miss romanova," you breathed out, scrambling to get up before she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, the woman seating herself next to you on the floor, under the staircase.

"that must've been hard for you," she spoke after a few seconds of silence. "i remember my first time killing an actual person in training. they had me shoot targets and i consistently got the bullseye every time. then they switched out the targets to an actual person and i had a hard time doing that. i can't imagine how it must've been for you. i heard you and veronika were quite the inseparable duo."

you didn't move to show that you were shattered over the current events but the millions of tears silently streaming down your face said otherwise. natasha turned to you, reaching to wipe your tears away before gently caressing your cheek.

"you're a strong one, y/n. you remind me of myself when i was still in training. i can see myself in you." she told you truthfully. she had no idea why but she felt a strong connection towards you. she felt that you and her had so much in common. she had a strange inclination to protect you even though she knew damn well you were capable of doing so yourself.

since then, she always dropped by to help train all of you but you and her developed a relationship so strong that she even told you of her plans to get you out of that hellhole. at that point, it had been a few months since she'd turned good but she kept coming to the academy for your sake. she felt a sense of responsibility over you, like a mother would over her daughter.

she would with the other girls too if they had shown at least a bit of humanity but it seemed that the red room had ruined them beyond fixing. despite being the best student of the academy, you still weren't inhumane like the rest. you would hesitate to hurt others, only doing so when threatened and even that, you still weren't as heartless or cruel.

madame b would always berate you over this but natasha would pick up the pieces every single time. you loved her. she was the best thing in your life after veronika and your heart broke when the red room fell and you were taken away. away from the mother you never had.

you awoke with a jolt again. it was the second night in a row you were reliving your past memories. you touched your face and you felt the tears on it, wiping them with your sleeve as you sat up in your cold, uncomfortable bed in your cell. you sighed, bringing your knees up to your chest and hugging them.

you couldn't help but think of nat again. what could've happened if she managed to get you out before you were taken away? could you have a nice life with her? would you never have to hide under the stairs to have emotional exchanges with the woman? would you finally have been able to be who you were, not influenced by the evil around you?

you never knew what it was like having a mother but you imagined it was what nat had been towards you during the times you spent together at the academy. you two were more mother and daughter rather than trainer and student.

all of a sudden, alarms blared through the building and red warning lights flickered in your cell. you stood up, peeking through the small glass of your cell door to see guards rushing through the hallways in a frenzy.

you assumed that the facility was under attack and no one was coming to save you. you didn't even try, walking back to your bed to return to your position of hugging your knees tightly to your chest.

you could hear the chaos outside but opted not to pay attention to it. it didn't involve you and if no one was coming to save you from whatever was attacking the place—not that anyone in that place would, you were merely an asset to them—you wouldn't bother worrying about whether you were going to live by the end of the night.

a loud bang interrupted your thoughts and you looked up to see your cell door had been forcefully thrown open by a large man in stripes, holding a circular shield. you immediately stood up, getting ready to attack him when he spoke.

"i'm not here to hurt you." he said, holding out a hand as if to tell you to stop whatever you were about to do. "we're here to save you. you can finally leave this place now." he says gently. you frown at him, still in a stance ready to attack him.

"cap, is there someone in this room?" a familiar voice spoke and your head immediately turned to the door, where the owner of the voice stood, mouth dropping open at the sight of you. your face softened and a tiny gasp left your lips at the sight of her.

"y/n...is that you?" she breathed out, walking towards you and not stopping when she saw that you weren't alarmed or anything. "nat.." you choked out, tears starting to form. how crazy was it that you had been having flashbacks of her for the past two nights and suddenly she was here to come save you?

"y/n!" she exclaimed, pulling you into a tight hug. you knees buckled but she held onto you tightly, sniffling as she caressed your head gently. you buried your face in her shoulder as you took in the familiar feeling of being in her arms once again.

more tears started to form in your eyes now. never had you thought you were actually going to see her again. you lost the hope of seeing her again two years ago. but here she was, standing in your cell and hugging you like there would be no tomorrow.

your hugging session was cut short when steve sheepishly spoke up. "sorry to uh, interrupt this reunion but more guards are coming, i think it's best if we leave now." he picked up his shield, leading the three of you out of the facility safely and back to their quinjet. the whole time, nat held onto your hand tightly, as if letting go would lead to another few years of being apart once again.

once you reached the quinjet, nat led you to the seats in the back where you two would have more privacy. the team watched the two of you in confusion before turning back to steve for an explanation as he was the one who was partnered with nat for this mission. all the captain could tell them was that you two knew each other way before this and that all of them would have to wait for an explanation from nat herself if they wanted to know what was going on.

when you reached the compound, nat led you to her room where she lent you her clothes and let you shower before tucking you into her bed. when she was sure you were comfortably asleep, she left the room quietly to go grab a glass of water only to find the whole team sat in the common room instead of back in their own rooms.

she looked at them, confused. "guys, it's like almost the crack ass of dawn and we just got back from a mission, why aren't you asleep? or were you debriefing? in the common room? did i miss it?"

"no, you know debriefings for late night missions are the next morning. we were waiting for you actually," steve spoke on behalf of the whole team. "me? for what?"

"nat, c'mon, don't act stupid. you know what we're talking about," clint makes an unimpressed face at his best friend. nat sighs, taking a seat next to him and the team look at her expectantly. she cleared her throat, preparing for a whole story time.

"you know how i was from the red room?" she asked them and they all nodded, urging her to continue her story. "well, after i graduated, i was asked to come help train the younger ones in the programme. during that time, i met this girl. she reminded me a lot of my younger self and she didn't seem completely brainwashed to the point where she lacked emotions. i grew close to her and after i met clint and joined SHIELD, i vowed to get her out of there because she went through a lot in that hellhole and i could tell she didn't want to do any of the things that the other girls were fine doing.

"she had a good heart and i didn't want it to be wasted. she was the best in the academy and i knew they had big plans for her. but i didn't want her to be programmed to kill. she was much more than that. so i made this whole plan for her escape. i kept going back to the academy to come see her and share my plan with her. clint, you always asked me where i kept disappearing to when we first started becoming friends. it was her. the people there didn't know i was already under SHIELD at that time—nobody did—so it was safe for me to keep visiting and keep planning an escape for her.

"but three years ago, the red room fell. i rushed over because i thought i could finally leave with her without anyone knowing. but apparently she'd been taken away. she was the only one of the girls who was taken. by who, i didn't know at that time. but i knew it was because of her skills and abilities. if the red room had big plans for her, i knew other organisations must've already heard of her too.

"i never stopped looking for her. i don't know why i never thought of HYDRA. but it doesn't matter anymore. i finally found her and i'm never letting her go. i hope you guys don't mind that she lives here now. if not, i'll move out and find somewhere for us."

the team seemed surprised that nat told them her story. they were very much expecting her to, well, not tell them because this seemed like a very personal story.

"no, no, of course she can stay. i'll even set up another room for her." tony says and nat nods gratefully. "what's her name?" wanda asks.

"y/n," nat tells her, smiling at the thought of you as she stands up. "alright, i have to go back to her. see you guys in the morning. maybe you'll get to see her then."

she bids them goodnight, leaving after grabbing a glass of water for you in case you woke up in the middle of the night, in need of it. she wasn't wrong because when she got back to her room, you were up, hugging your knees as you cried.

"hey, hey, hey, what's wrong, sugar?" she quickly puts the glass of water on the bedside table, sitting on the bed and pulling you close to her. you look up at her all teary-eyed and she feels her heart break.

"i–i thought i lost you again," you croaked out, burying your face in her shoulder. "oh, sugar, you'll never lose me ever again. i'll never let that happen. you're safe here with me. now sleep, i'll be here when you wake up." she stroked your hair gently, laying down next to you on the bed before you two fell into a blissful slumber in each other's arms.

true to her words, she was right next to you when you woke up the next time. she seemed wide awake and you felt bad because she probably had been up hours before but didn't leave you because you were scared.

"how'd you sleep, sugar?" she asked as you sat up, stretching. "the best i have in years. thanks to you, nat." you smiled at her, still not believing all of this is real. that you're finally reunited with the woman you thought of as your mother.

"do you want to meet my friends? they're dying to meet you," she tells you and you bite your lips nervously. "do you think they'll like me?"

"are you crazy? of course they will. and if they don't, i'll make them." she threatens playfully and you laugh, missing how protective of you she is. you smile, agreeing to her suggestions to meet her friends after you got ready for the day.

-

"hi, sweetie, you're y/n?" a man with fancy silk pyjamas greeted as you entered the common room with natasha. you nodded timidly, scooting closer to natasha. it was weird for natasha to see you this nervous. after all, you were the best student of your batch in the red room. but she understood that years with no actual social interaction does that to people.

"i hope you'll like staying here, i already have your room setting up as of right now. when you move in, you can tell me if you don't like anything and i'll change it for you. oh, i forgot, i'm tony," he extends a hand towards you and with an encouraging nod from nat, you hesitantly shake his hand. he smiles at you before telling you both he has projects to finish down in his lab and to tell him if you needed anything.

"hey, nat, not gonna introduce your friend to us?" you heard a voice from behind you and you two turned around to see two men and a woman. you recognised both men—one of them was the one who broke into your cell last night and the other one you had seen him a lot from pictures nat would show you during your secret meetings in your red room days. he was her best friend. you didn't know the woman but the kind smile on her face was enough to reassure you that these people weren't bad.

"y/n, meet clint, the idiot who i call best friend," she points to the shorter man. the name nat called him must've offended him because the face he made was hilarious that you let out a little giggle. nat smiles at this before proceeding to introduce the other two.

"this one's steve, he's an old man stuck in a young body—literally— so if he says things you don't understand, just smile and nod." you nod at nat and steve gives her an incredulous look, as if not believing the audacity she had to introduce him like that.

"this one's wanda, she's the least annoying person in this whole place and she can cook whatever you want so i think you two will get along really well." wanda smiles at you and you return it shyly. you smile at the other two before nat drags you away, telling them she still had others to introduce you to.

when you entered the kitchen, you saw a man reading a newspaper on the kitchen island while another man, whose skin was red, stood beside him. they seemed to be discussing something very intelligent because you didn't understand a single word they spoke.

"bruce, vision, i want you to meet someone." they turned their attentions towards you and nat and you immediately felt like hiding once again. "oh hello, steve told us you brought back someone from the mission. is this her? hello, i'm bruce," the man sitting down introduced himself.

"wait, is this the bruce?" you asked nat, smirking teasingly at her and she smacks you gently on the shoulder. the man seemed flustered at what you're insinuating, scratching his neck awkwardly.

"bruce, vision, this is y/n, i've known her for a long time and i finally found her after years so i hope you two won't mind that she'll be staying here from now on," nat tells them. the two of them didn't come on the mission last night so they were the only two who didn't actually see you until today.

"it's nice to meet you, y/n. i'm vision, i hope you'll enjoy your stay here." the man with the red skin greets formally and you turn to nat with a confused expression. "he's an android, he does things a bit weird here so don't mind him." she whispers to you and you nod understandingly.

"it's nice to meet you two, i hope we'll be good friends." you say awkwardly, hoping to get this whole introduction thing over with. how many people do you have left to meet?

speaking of the devil—or should you say, devils—, two annoying voices rang through the kitchen, interrupting the peacefulness that it was before they came in.

"i'm just saying that if you hadn't eaten my last bag of chips last week, i wouldn't have taken your cookies last night. it's all about fair play, man."

"and i keep telling you that it wasn't me! i don't even like those stupid salty ass chips from that brand,"

"stop lying, i saw you eating that brand the other day! just admit you stole my chips and go,"

"guys, are you really having another one of your stupid arguments now?" nat cuts them off and they immediately turned to you, finally noticing all of you.

"oh hey! y/n, right? it's nice to meet you, i'm sam. if you wanna survive in this place, you better hide your snacks because if you don't, this winter warrior here will snatch 'em all before you can even stash them in the cupboards. don't ever trust this guy here when it comes to your snacks. you heard what happened to mine," the man fakes a cry and you held back a laugh at his long introduction. you only wanted a name to match the face but he gave you much more. you didn't mind though, he seemed like a fun person.

"hi, doll, i'm bucky. don't listen to eagle right here, i do not steal snacks. i simply let people have a taste of their own medicine. you steal my snacks, wilson, i steal 'em back. you think i don't know you stole my oreos too last month? that's why i stole your damn chips last week,"

"so you did steal them!"

"so what if i did?! you stole my oreos first!"

"oh my god, guys, you're really embarrassing me in front of y/n. these are really the people i was excited to introduce her to," nat face-palmed and you couldn't help but laugh. "don't worry nat, these people seem amazing. i can't wait to get to know them better." you assured her and she smiles, pulling you close to her. "buckle up, sugar, because living with the avengers is gonna be a wild ride."

you were excited for what was about to come. it seemed like everything was finally falling into place. you finally got nat back and you didn't have to worry about losing her again because you had a feeling these people weren't going to let that happen.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky @marauvdersfate @bestillmystuckyheart

[kimsaena88]

It didn’t take long for me to become aware of how scary social media can be after I first sought out to learn more about BTS. I learned pretty quickly that the anti rhetoric was just as present inside ARMY as it was outside the fandom. Growing up, I was always aware of the nastiness exhibited by the netizens in Korea, from “fans” to the general public alike. From harmful rumors, insults, and death threats, I had known of the vulgarity of these netizens pretty early on. As a result, even being stateside, I had always kept my social media exposure to a minimum, fearing how it would affect me as a person, let alone a fan. However, BTS brought out a sense of comfort and confidence I hadn’t felt before, and I really wanted to connect with other fans. I wanted to learn all I could about BTS, and I thought that there would be no better way than to expand my mind, and explore what ARMY was all about. Unfortunately, my fears have been proven right, time and time again since becoming an ARMY.

Just when I think things can’t get any worse, they always do. I always fool myself into believing that I have become desensitized to the hate and negativity, and I end up being more disappointed than I already was. To start with, not even 24 hours ago, V was made aware on Weverse of an offensive and impertinent Youtuber who makes defamation videos against him and those he cares about. He was rightfully upset, and made it clear that he was not going to stand by and let it slide. V didn’t beat around the bush, and not only did he strongly denounce this type of disrespectful behavior, he made sure it was understood that there would and should be consequences.

Needless to say, I was proud of him for speaking up, as long overdue as it was. It really made me wonder just how much the members of BTS have seen of this type of unacceptable behavior, but have bit their tongues in hopes of keeping things from boiling over. I have to say, though, that I’m not surprised it ended up being V to lay down the gauntlet, and say what needed to be said. He’s addressed the crazies and their nasty behavior before, albeit his words often go unheeded by those who need to hear it most. V is a very outspoken person, so it always amazes me that so many who claim to be his “fans,” or ARMY, choose to ignore his concerns completely, and put words into his mouth. After today, I really hope antis and “fans” think twice about their behavior, but I’m not holding my breath. The Youtuber in question has already mocked V on SNS, so we’re already off to a bad start.

Over the last week or so, I couldn’t help but notice how solo stans and the fake ARMYs have become just as brazen as the BTS antis. I know I shouldn’t be shocked by it, but it still disappoints me whenever I see “fans” compare the talents and achievements of the members, degrading and insulting the member or members they hate and feel are inferior to their bias. Just the other day, Jin solos and JM solos were at each other’s throats, hurling insults and resorting to low blows in order to elevate their favorite above the other. It was equally embarrassing and sad to witness. How can these people sleep at night with all of that hate and spite in their hearts, infecting their minds to speak with malicious intent? I just don’t get it.

Seriously, how can any of them call themselves “fans”? They are obviously not ARMY. If you feel the need to tear down other BTS members, negate their talents and achievements, and run with false narratives, YOU ARE NOT ARMY! Sad thing is, a lot of these individuals will outright admit that they are solos. It truly is disturbing. But those I am more unsettled by are those who claim to be ARMY, but are so hellbent on berating, degrading, and destroying one or two members, for whatever their baseless reasoning is. Just like solos, many of these fake ARMY will unashamedly admit that they are OT6ers (etc.), while parading themselves around as “real” ARMY. I’ve noticed a trend with these types of fake fans. They act like they know EVERYTHING about each member of BTS, as well as their company, and even their friends and families. It’s truly disturbing and sickening that these unhinged people are a part of our fandom, and they seem to either be growing in number or are simply no longer ashamed in being honest about their views.

Any “fan” who exhibits this type of behavior, and resorts to degradation, insults, and false narratives needs to understand that they are more of a hindrance to their bias(es) than they are a support. As a “fan,” if you must always negate everything, and resort to hate, threats, and malicious rhetoric, and rely on unsupported claims, odds are you are wrong or misguided. How many times does V have to say, “Please love all 7 of us,” before it actually penetrates your thick skull? How much more love and respect do the boys need to show each other before you can do the same? It’s not about what you want or think. None of us have a say in what they do, what they think, or what they feel. It is not your life, your relationships, or your career. Either be a true ARMY, and respect them as fellow humans, or see your way out. BTS does not have time for your shit. Nor does ARMY. It’s already bad enough that BTS gets slandered by antis and other fandoms; why do you need to add to it? Do you not have anything better to do?

If your attachment to BTS revolves around spreading hate and your insecure opinions of them, you are wasting everyone’s time, including your own. BTS’s message has always been one against misjudgment, ignorance, and bullying, so if you can’t and won’t follow their lead, what are you trying to achieve or gain? Have you already forgotten their work with UNICEF to end bullying and violence, and to encourage acts of kindness? Honestly, it really doesn’t make any logical sense to be a “fan” of BTS while bullying and belittling other fans and/or BTS members. Whenever I see this garbage, I swear I can almost hear my eyes rolling from how stupid these people are. How can anyone be so incompetent and hypocritical?

I really do worry that things are just going to continue to go downhill with all of this absurd nonsense. It’s all completely unnecessary and avoidable, but it just seems there is no end in sight. I’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan. At this rate, it won’t be long before these “fans” get a rude awakening from BTS themselves. V’s already gotten that ball rolling. Maybe one day soon ARMY will finally be purged of all the toxicity that’s been poisoning our fandom. Good riddance.

[high-and-away]

FFXIVWrite 2022, Prompt #2: Bolt

"--fucking nerve of you, hunting me down like this, absolutely unbelievable--" Gregorio rem Castellus lets the indignation crash around him like a frothing wave. Trying to lock horns and argue Titus into compliance would be an exercise in futility. It's easiest to let him thrash his way through being wound up and tire himself out. Yes, he's on a tear now. No, he can't keep it up forever. The trick is to catch him after he runs out of steam and not let him skitter off under a rock to sulk. For that, all Gregorio has to do is wait, and Gregorio prides himself on being patient. Unless Titus slams the door in his face. That would be something of an obstacle to what he's attempting to do.

"--had an onze of respect for--" Rising to the bait increases the risk of that happening. Not that that's ever been in his nature; where Titus works himself into a state and splutters furiously a bit before fleeing, Gregorio digs in his heels and starts nailing things down. Let Titus keep angrily whisper-berating him. He can resume his efforts to rescue his charming, impulsive, pathologically flighty little brother from total estrangement when he stops to inhale. "--just refuse to even contemplate listening when I ask to be left alone--" Okay. That's something Gregorio can't not respond to; it would sit there and throb, inflamed, if he didn't. He lifts a hand: stop. "The last thing I knew," he says, "things were a bit strained with Cornelia. And now I'm back from the Far East, and she told me to go fuck myself when I rang, and you've moved and are refusing to speak to anyone. Why wouldn't I check on you?" "Because it's none of your bloody business," hisses Titus, and Gregorio finds himself stamping down on the urge to point out how fucking ridiculous that sounds coming from a man approaching thirty. "We're all worried about you, Ty. It's been three years of us trying to break radio silence." You've pushed everyone away and I don't like it. "Wouldn't you be concerned if one of us did that?" Do you have any idea how much Mum's cried over you? "Don't you dare fucking start," Titus spits, but there's less venom in it than there might be, less heat in the anger he's stoked. "Don't you dare." The longer he stands there behind the cracked front door, fuming, the worse he looks; his shirt is catastrophically wrinkled, there's stubble blurring the outlines of his thin moustache, and even his third eye looks sunken and bruise-shadowed. Bad nights bleeding into bad days, over and over, for who knows how long. "Ty," asks Gregorio, as calmly and evenly as he can, "What happened? I'm not going to judge you or--" And that's a mistake, because Titus flushes, and Gregorio realizes too late that he has a pretty good idea of what happened, and that the only thing that's ever made his brother go blotchy like that is shame. He's misstepped, badly, and all the good intentions in the world aren't going to save him from being told to get in his little boat and fuck off back to Doma. Maybe he deserves it. Good going, Greg, great job fixing things-- "Daddy?" a small voice asks from the depths of the apartment, and Titus freezes on the brink of a blistering rebuke like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Despite his best efforts, Gregorio's eyebrows make a bid for his hairline. It's interesting, watching someone he's known for most of his life simply deflate in a way he's not used to seeing. If he were more imaginative, he might fancy that he's watching Titus's feet go flying out from under him. Fascinating, really. Like a funeral for his dignity compressed into a few seconds. The silence lingers for a moment, tight enough to strangle, before Titus exhales quietly and it ebbs away. "I think you'd better come in," he says, subdued, and pulls the door open.

[alj4890]

I have an ask? What if Liam got Riley pregnant when they first met in New York? Would he still have to go through the social season? Would she have to raise a baby on her own would Liam find a way to help?

Ooooohhhh. Interesting. That would be quite the conundrum for them, wouldn't it? Especially since the social season starts the very next day after he visited her bar. Hmmm. Let's see what I can do with that time frame. I'm going on the assumption that the social season lasts at least three months with all the parties and traveling they do. Which will help out with the pregnancy part 😉 I think she would still go and take part in the social season since she wouldn’t know she was pregnant yet, but it would definitely alter how things end in book 1.

Masterlist

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Aftereffects

Three months earlier...

"Well?" Riley tilted her head to study Liam's profile. "What do you think?"

He cleared his throat. Lips parted, yet no words were formed. Liam had so many emotions hitting him all at once that a mere stranger had made his one wish come true.

His eyes went from the Statue of Liberty to the woman responsible for him being able to see it.

"I'm speechless." He lowered his head, lips curving in a shy smile. "I've never been so moved in my life than I am in this moment with you."

She smiled and turned her attention toward the iconic monument. "She's really something, isn't she?"

He turned toward Riley. His eyes traveled down her beautiful face softly lit by the dull light coming from the ferry they were on and the sliver of moonlight from above.

"Yes," he moved closer to her. "She really is."

Riley looked up at him. Her heart raced at the tender longing she saw in his eyes. He seemed so lonely. So in need of encouragement. So in need of affection.

Before he could step away, she snagged his lips in a tender kiss.

He froze for two seconds before crushing her to him. He allowed all the feelings he kept to himself pour out as a fuel to draw moans from her. The desperation he had been feeling since his brother abdicated didn't seem to exist around this woman.

His kisses traveled down her neck.

"Liam." She sighed when he returned to her mouth.

Her arms wrapped around his neck as he pressed her back against the railing.

"I don't want this night to end." He murmured.

It took a physical effort to stop.

"Neither do I." She cupped his cheek. "I know you leave tomorrow."

He nodded, already feeling the heavy yoke that was about to be thrust upon his shoulders.

"It's not quite tomorrow though." She kissed along his jaw as she whispered. "We can still enjoy the rest of tonight."

"Riley, I--you know I must choose--I couldn't do that and simply leave you to search for a bride." He felt guilty just thinking about it.

He would be the worst sort of cad possible if he were to spend the night in her arms.

He shouldn't have pursued her. The moment she had turned around and greeted him in the bar, he had thought of nothing else except getting to know more about her.

"I want you." She whispered. "If tonight is all we have, then let's make the most of it."

"You have no idea how much I want you." He kissed her once more, completely unable to resist her.

******************

Two and a half months later...

Maxwell winced when he heard the noises coming from Riley's bathroom. Bracing himself, he timidly knocked upon the door.

"You okay in there, blossom?"

"What--" she heaved into the toilet, "do you think?"

"Maxwell!" Bertrand snapped. "What is the hold up. She should have been downstairs fifteen minutes ago."

His eyes widened at the sounds of vomiting.

"Is she ill?" He whispered.

Maxwell shrugged.

"She seemed fine last night." Bertrand thought over the past few days.

"She has been more tired than usual." Maxwell narrowed his eyes in concern. "And this isn't the first time I've heard her throwing up."

Bertrand's stern demeanor turned to worry. "You don't think she's..."

"Think she's what?" Maxwell asked.

"We have been pressuring her to wear the right clothes. I hope we haven't caused her to think she needs to lose weight." Bertrand explained.

Maxwell's eyes widened. He would never be able to forgive himself if he had made Riley think less of her natural beauty.

"Riley!" He anxiously knocked again when they heard nothing but silence. "Can we come in?"

"Sure." Her weak response was followed by her unlocking the door.

The brothers walked inside and saw her sitting in the floor.

Maxwell wet a rag and crouched beside her. He gently cleaned the sweat off her brow, his worry was now off the charts at the half hearted smile she gave him.

"Thanks." She lifted her eyes to Bertrand. "I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be outside for the--"

"Don't concern yourself with that." He tempered his usual gruff tone. "We must take care of you first."

Tears filled her eyes at how kind he was being. He wasn't berating her or telling her that House Beaumont needed her to win Liam. She wondered where this Bertrand had been hiding. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as the brothers discussed ways to help her feel better.

He ordered Maxwell to pick her up and carry her to her bed.

As she settled back against her pillows, he called down to the kitchen and ordered a tray of soup, crackers, and tea to be brought up.

By the time he was finished, she was crying in full force.

"Riley!" Maxwell sat down on her bed and tried to hug her. "Please tell us what's wrong."

Bertrand reached for her hand. "You do know how lovely you are, right?"

Her eyes widened at that odd question.

"We think you shouldn't change at all." Maxwell added.

"Indeed. Many of the dresses in the boutique are," Bertrand's frown firmed as he tried to think of a way to keep her from thinking her body was at fault, "they aren't properly made. One can never go by sizes there."

"And you're size is perfect. Liam can't keep his eyes off you." Maxwell added. "In fact, you could probably add on some weight and be even more beautiful."

"Indeed." Bertrand latched on to that. "Size does not matter. It is what is on the inside that counts."

Riley lifted her head. "What are you talking about?"

"You're," Maxwell mimed vomiting.

"You must stop." Bertrand added. "You do not need to lose weight."

"I'm not doing it on purpose." She shook her head.

It touched her heart though that they wouldn't want her developing an eating disorder.

"I don't know what's caused this." She explained. "The weirdest smells and motions seem to set it off. Like yesterday, the smell of tomatoes had me running for a bathroom and I've always loved tomatoes."

"Could it possibly be your nerves?" Bertrand sat down at the foot of the bed. "The social season can take a toll on even the most seasoned noble."

"I don't think so." Riley mumbled. "It's like my energy has suddenly been depleted. Of course that could be because of the vomiting."

"So what caused it to start?" Maxwell asked.

"How long has it been going on?" Bertrand added.

"I don't know what set it off. It's been going on for a couple of weeks, but it is getting worse."

"Hmm." Bertrand and Maxwell shared a glance.

"Riley, I hope you don't think badly of me for asking," Bertrand struggled to inquire into something so personal. "But, have you, er...did you..."

She lifted her eyebrows in silent question.

"Before you joined us, were you involved with anyone?" He closed his eyes in embarrassment.

"Involved?"

"Any previous boyfriends or hookups before Liam?" Maxwell clarified.

"Oh!" Her cheeks heated with color. "No. I actually haven't been in a relationship for almost a year now." She lowered her eyes. "I had a bad relationship with a guy and decided to focus on myself once I got out of it."

Bertrand relaxed some. "A wise decision."

"So no one night stands?" Maxwell prodded.

"I've never been that type of..." Her eyes widened. She had been that type for one incredible night.

It was the driving force in making her decision to come to Cordonia in the first place.

"Oh no." She breathed. "The night I met you," her eyes held Maxwell's shocked gaze, "Liam and I sneaked away and..."

Bertrand shot up off the bed. "Wait here."

*****************

"We must be certain." Bertrand stressed. "The bloodwork must confirm what the test showed." His frown was fierce as he stood before the physician. "Discretion is a must in this situation."

"I'll have the results by this evening." The doctor replied. "And only I will run the lab work for Ms. Brooks."

"Here's my number." Riley scribbled it out quickly. "If I don't answer, please send a text and voicemail."

Once he was gone, she sagged back on the bed.

"What do we do now?" Maxwell asked.

"We have a ball to prepare for." Bertrand held up a silk dress. "We missed today's events, but we must make an appearance tonight. Everyone will begin to talk if we don't."

Riley nodded. Her mind though was whirling with the knowledge that she was pregnant.

How will Liam react? Will he be upset? Will he hate me for allowing it to happen? Will he think I'm trying to trap him?

How do I tell him?

Taking the dress, she forced herself to get ready.

***************

"Have you seen Riley any today?"

Drake shook his head. "No. Why?"

"That's strange." Liam folded his arms.

He wondered if something was wrong. He hated that he couldn't spend every single moment with her. What if she had reached the end of her patience with this suitor situation?

He shook his head when Drake offered him a drink.

"You've got it bad." Drake teased.

"Got what?"

"Love."

"I do?"

"Are you saying you aren't in love with Brooks?" Drake smirked. "I've seen you with her. Ever since she showed up at the masquerade ball, you haven't looked at any of the other ladies trying to win you."

Liam couldn't help but smile over that. It was true. His night with Riley in New York had been the most magical of his life. Each moment he had spent with her since then all but reaffirmed that she was the only one for him.

He was thrilled at how the people of Cordonia had fallen for her. The press had only positive things to say about The American that had come to win his hand.

He could picture her smile when she approached him at the masquerade ball.

"I think we both know we have something special. One night together will never be enough for me." Riley whispered as he kissed her hand.

"I agree." He held her hand a moment longer than was deemed appropriate. "It isn't enough." His bright blue eyes shined against the silver demi mask. "Are you certain I'm worth going through these next few months? What if--"

"We end up with our happily ever after?" She finished for him.

He knew he had completely lost his heart in that moment. Our happily ever after. Her optimism that they could have that helped him through every step of this social season. She was the prize he knew he could claim once he passed the final hurdle to be king.

He spent his time in dull conversations daydreaming about their future. How beautiful she would be as a bride. How comforting she would be as they dealt with his father's illness and troubles of their small nation.

Then he dreamed of the family they would have. He hoped they had many children, each with her infectious smile and kindness.

He hoped she would say yes when he asked her to marry him. Even if they never had all these other dreams of the future, he would at least have her and her love.

Then all of this would be well worth it.

He did worry about his father's reaction to the time he spent in her company. Whenever Liam attempted to discuss his feelings about Riley, Constantine would point out another lady of the court. He wouldn't allow his son to go ahead and make a decision.

"You better head downstairs." Drake finished off his drink. "Can't have a ball around here without the prince."

****************

"Any word yet?" Bertrand whispered.

Riley shook her head.

He softly cursed, causing her to burst into laughter.

"I'm sorry." She giggled when he shushed her. "But I would have bet a lot of money that you would never say that word."

He rolled his eyes. "Be that as it may, you should go mingle."

****************

"Lady Riley?" Liam gently tapped her shoulder. "May I have this dance?"

She turned around with a start. "I'd love to."

He took her hand and placed it within the bend of his arm. "You look beautiful tonight."

She gently squeezed his arm. "Thank you." Her eyes lifted to his. "And you're as handsome as always."

"I don't know about that." He winked at her. "But as long as you think so, then I'm content."

He took her in his arms as a waltz began.

"Let's not spin as much as we normally do." She pleaded when he twirled her.

His brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?"

"No!" She said quickly. "Just, um, a little motion sickness from time to time."

"I see." He kept his gaze upon her face. "I missed you today."

"You did?"

"I always do whenever you're not around." He admitted with a sheepish grin.

"That's so--" she felt the vibration of her phone.

She stopped dancing, causing Liam to nearly trip

"Riley, is something--"

"Excuse me, I have to--that is--this is from--" she ducked out a nearby door before all her revelations came tumbling out.

***************

She plopped down on the edge of a small couch and read the message from the doctor.

Hitting the link, she read the results of her bloodwork.

Her breaths came in and out in short gasps.

I'm really pregnant.

"Riley?"

All the color drained from her face as she looked up at Liam.

He shut the door to the ballroom and knelt before her.

"What is it?" He took her icy hand in his. "Is something wrong?"

She licked her dry lips and tried to tell him.

"Yes. No. I'm not sure."

He pressed a kiss to her hand. "Whatever it is, I will do all that I can to help you."

She blinked back tears. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He laced his fingers with hers.

"Do you," she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "do you love me?"

"I do." He admitted. "I had planned on telling you during the Coronation Ball."

"Really?" Her eyes narrowed. "I need you to be completely honest with me right now."

"I am." He lowered his gaze to their clasped hands. His thumb brushed against her skin. "I know I'm not supposed to say anything until then, but you are the one I will pick to marry," he looked up at her, "if you want to."

She bit down on her bottom lip. "Do you want children?"

"Yes, and not just for the continuation of the Rhys holding the crown." His smile gentled. "I want a family with you, selfishly for myself. I want all the holiday memories spent with them, watching them see the world with wonder, and seeing our traits passed on, especially yours." He chuckled. "Heaven help me if we have a daughter like you. I will be completely wrapped around her little finger."

Riley couldn't believe she was hearing all she needed to from him.

He really is Prince Charming. My Prince Charming.

"Do you remember the night we met?" She asked.

"How could I forget?"

She grimaced at the worry that still gnawed at her mind.

"My love," Liam sat down beside her. "Please tell me what troubles you."

"I had not been with anyone in a long time." She began. "I mean, no one for months when we spent the night together."

Liam merely listened, wondering where she was going with this.

"I didn't think in the heat of the moment. I should have. It was irresponsible, but I was so swept off my feet..." She took a deep breath. "And I found out today that I'm pregnant."

His fingers tightened around hers.

"I'm sorry. I know with the--"

"Pregnant?" Liam interrupted her. "You're certain?"

"The doctor just sent me the results of my blood work. That with the test I took and the physical exam confirms it." Her eyes widened when he suddenly stood up and took her into his arms.

The kiss he gave her weakened her knees. His arms held her as if she was the most delicate piece of porcelain.

"Marry me." He said between kisses.

"That kinda was the whole point of me coming here." She teased, once she saw how happy he was.

He smiled against her lips. "Is that a yes?"

"It is."

He stepped back and took hold of her hand. With quick strides he had them back in the ballroom.

Waving the conductor to stop the music, he held his hand up. "May I have your attention please!"

The court stilled as all eyes turned toward him.

Ignoring the hushed questions coming from his father, he settled his arm around Riley's waist.

"Lady Riley has made me the happiest man this evening. She has accepted my proposal of marriage and has told me that within a few months or so," he turned his adoring gaze upon her, "we will have an heir to the throne."

Constantine staggered back at this announcement. He had no idea the couple had become that close.

Regina called for champagne to be brought to all the guests as she embraced the young couple.

Liam held his glass up. He decided to force his parent to officially accept Riley in front of the entire court. He suspected that if he had not announced the fact they were expecting, that Constantine would find a way to break their engagement. He didn't know why he felt such unease with his father when it concerned Riley, but he wasn't going to leave anything to chance when it concerned her.

"Father? Would you like to give the toast?"

Constantine cleared his throat. Seeing no way around it, he stepped forward and lifted his glass. He hoped for Liam's sake that this woman would not be detrimental to his rule.

"To my son and the lady he has chosen. May they have all the happiness that I have found with my own queen and may their new family continue to serve Cordonia with grace and honor." He turned toward them. "To Liam and Riley!"