#I started to berate myself for how long it has been and how much worse my posture is right now because of it

[youngchronicpain]

Did I just do one of my PT exercises for the first time in over a month?

One that I should have been doing every day?

Yes.

And that is okay.

Because I have been going nonstop, and I have been in entirely too much pain.

Sometimes, I have to just get by. But that doesn't mean it isn't important that I pick back up again when I can.

I'm proud of myself. It hurt. But I'm getting back to it.

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

For context:

A few days ago, @meagancandraw (Night-Waker) and I did a lil' "what-if" scenario in a private server of what would happen if Moon punched Sun after a hallucination-driven breakdown and then ran off and was visited by someone who gave him the clarity he needed.

The following is what transpired:

NIGHT: He's starting to hallucinate, goes to hit one, and it ends up being Sun.

Sun: Moon-! Moon: DON'T TOUCH ME! (THWACK)

And that's when he snaps out of it-

ME: The sound echoes, bouncing off the walls and ringing in Moon's audio receptors. There's a frightening sting that spreads across the back of his hand. The swirling black and red of his vision vanishes practically in an instant as he stares mortified at Sun, who cups his cheek with an equally mortified look. What did he…? No…no no no what had he done-- ?: M-Moon…?!

NIGHT: Moon can only look at Sun, at the hand holding his cheek. It looks dented, and there's specks of dark blue visible between his fingers. Moon slowly looks down at his own hand, and sees where small streaks of paint have been violently scrapped off, exposing the grey underneath. He feels sick. Moon: I- ?: Sun! Lunar runs into the room (Oh God how long had he been standing there how much had he seen), asking Sun if he's okay. The sound is muffled to Moon, however, as he continues to stare at his hand. There's more talking - or is it yelling? - but he can't tell from who. All he hears is static. Horror blooms in his chest and spreads through his circuits

ME: Earth suddenly rushes in as well, looking between the two. She asks what happened but doesn't get an answer from either, so she asks Lunar, who fills her in. Her eyes widen and she looks to Moon- God that look…The way she looked at him--horrified, scared, angry--he couldn't bear it.

Before anyone can think to stop him, he turns and activates a random portal, and flees into it.

-

NIGHT: Moon [begins] spiraling and thinking his whole family must hate him. They should. Not only did he fail to protect Solar, now he's hurt Sun in front of them. He's a horrible brother. They don't deserve as terrible as him. Is hurting his family all he's good for?

ME: (imagine while in Beta 10 he starts hallucinating.)

"What, gonna start drowning in your own pity party again?"

He sees hallucinations of his family, one by one. Starting with Earth. Then Lunar. Then even Eclipse. Then Sun.

Then Old Moon.

All of them berating and sharp, pushing the dagger in deeper. "You promised you would be better." "Why weren't you honest with how you felt?" "You're a monster." "You're pathetic."

"You did the one thing I told you not to do." In the midst of the anguish as the people he loves drive home every wound, he hears a voice he doesn't expect and looks-

to see Solar.

Still a hallucination, but…he is different. He's not shouting at Moon for his failures, he's not calling him horrible things.

NIGHT: "Solar" asking Moon what he's doing here instead of being with his family Moon (crying): I don't deserve to be with them

ME: Solar: What makes you think that?

NIGHT: Moon: Because all I'm good for is hurting them! I hit Sun! I let you die! I can't protect anyone! I'm just as bad as the old me! ME: Solar: Moon. If that's all you ever see in yourself, then that is all you will ever be.

NIGHT: Moon: It's all I am! The old me killed himself because he thought that I would be better, but he was wrong! ME: Solar: Was he? NIGHT: Moon: Yes! Name one good thing I've done that didn't end up backfiring or making things worse for everyone!

ME: Solar: hm. Well…from what I heard about the guy, he didn't have a shred of empathy. So you got him beat on that front. NIGHT: Moon: Yeah… a lot of good that's done for me

ME: Solar: Yeah it has. 'Cept I don't think you actually see what good it's done. NIGHT: Moon: Like what? ME: Solar: well your brother, for one. Would you say you've grown closer since you re-awoke? NIGHT: Moon: I… guess? But I still hit him, and I promised myself that this version of me would never do that

ME: Solar: and you think he's upset with you?

NIGHT: Moon: Of course he is! Why wouldn't he be?!

ME: Solar: well, you kinda just ran before you could see what he'd say.

NIGHT: Moon: … Moon: That's because I'm a coward

ME: Solar: hm…didn't they say he was a coward, too?

NIGHT: Moon: Who?

ME: Solar: the old you. He ran from his problems too, didn't he?

NIGHT: Moon: That's part of why he made me. He had a lot of problems and regrets he couldn't face… If you're here to tell me that I'm doing the same thing right now, trust me, I'm well aware. I guess it's just another thing I have in common with the old me

ME: Solar: I don't think I'm here to tell you what you've already heard.

NIGHT: Moon: Then what are you here for?

ME: Solar: well? You don't want to be like him, right? And if he ran from his problems, what do you think you should do?

NIGHT: Moon: Yeah, I know… I just… (Sighs) I dunno… what if what happened is just the start? What if Sun and the others are wrong about me, and I just keep getting worse?

ME: Solar: everyone has highs and lows, Moon. And the lows can really suck sometimes. That's just how life is. But that's what family is for, yeah? To help pick you back up when you're down?

NIGHT: Moon: …You're right. Heh, even when you're dead you're right … (Tears up) God, I miss you

ME: Solar: (smiles) failing and making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, Moon. It's how you respond that determines how things go.

NIGHT: Moon: I should probably get out of here, huh?

ME: Solar: they're probably out lookin' for ya right now

NIGHT: Moon: Yeah. I should- Sun: (From the entrance) Moon…? Are you here? Moon: Sun? (Looks over at Solar to see that he's vanished)

ME: Sun: (approaches, finds him staring at the mirror) …figured you'd come here

NIGHT: Moon: Actually, I set the portal to random … …Are you okay?

ME: Sun: (thinks for a moment). Not happy about being punched again, but…I'm fine. And…m-more worried about you, honestly.

NIGHT: Moon: I'm… better than I was earlier… Sun, I am so so sorry for hitting you. I don't think there are any words that can begin to tell you how sorry I am

ME: Sun: I know you're sorry. I do. But…Moon, this-- (sighs) This can't keep happening.

NIGHT: Moon: I know...

ME: Sun: Do you?

NIGHT: Moon: … Moon: The old me gave up his life so I could be the better version of him. I already told you what he told me: To protect our family no matter what. That's been my entire purpose since the moment I woke up, but lately it feels like no matter what I do, it's not enough. That I'm not enough. I keep thinking that if I was smarter like him, then Solar would still be alive, or if I did start killing anyone who was a threat - sure, it wouldn't be right, but you'd all at least be safe

…I'm terrified of becoming like the old Moon, Sun. That's the last thing I want, but KC's already dead, and if I can't keep our family safe, then that officially means the old Moon died for nothing! I know that's not an excuse, but I- I can't lose anyone else, Sun!

ME: Sun: we don't want to lose YOU, Moon! Why should protecting our family be only your responsibility?! Family protects each other, it's not supposed to be one person's burden! … The old Moon, he…I get he did what he did to keep me and everyone safe, but…it still hurt people. It still hurt me.

NIGHT: Moon: I know, and I'm sorry. … You're the most important person in my life, Sun. I love Lunar and Earth, but you're the one who keeps me going. It's your light and your strength that inspires me, and I want to protect that at all costs. I want to make sure nothing ever happens to you or the others, even if it means taking on that burden all by myself. I know it's not fair to you, or Lunar and Earth, but I… I don't think I know how to do it any other way. …But I'd like to learn

ME: Sun: (listens in silence, then after a moment he sighs) Moon. I know you mean well. But—I am not a child. I am not some delicate thing that needs protecting. I can handle myself. Earth can handle herself, we know that. Lunar…more or less. (sighs) But the fact is, our lives are not perfect. Things will happen whether we want them to or not. That’s just how life is. And if you’re so busy going around trying to protect US…then who is going to protect you?

NIGHT: Moon: (Ponders the question in silence) I've… never really considered that, to be honest. I didn't care what happened to me as long as you guys were okay. I can… see why that's a problem, now that I say it out loud… (Sighs) I really screwed up…

ME: Sun: yeah. You did. (he steps and engulfs Moon into a tight hug) but who hasn’t screwed up? I’ve made mistakes. Lunar, too. I’m sure even Earth has. But at the end of the day…we’re still a family, aren’t we? (he squeezes him) You’re a real idiot sometimes, Moon. But you’re still my brother, and you always will be.

NIGHT: Moon: (He hugs him back with his first genuine smile in a long time) Heh, thanks, Sun. I love you, brother

Unbeknownst to any of them, "Solar" is watching them as they leave the bunker. He smiles at the group before fading away…

--The end--

[penkura]

Special [2/2]

Note: Second part from this request here! Sorry it took so long, I've been burnt out and just struggling to get things out lately. I'll have an update post later today, I think.

Sanji really does feel awful when he realizes what’s going on with you, why you walked away and said you wouldn’t bother anymore. He hates how he’s made you feel, without even realizing it, but he never expected you would actually like him back. He’d resigned himself to the fact that, in his mind, you didn’t have any feelings for him nor would you ever. He’s used to it but for some reason it hit harder when he thought it was you that would reject him.

So he never said anything. He treated you normally, as normally as he could when he thought you were so perfect, but it seems like he's made a mistake. He’s made you think there’s something wrong with the way you look, when it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Nami has heard it so much from him she’s started rolling her eyes while Sanji nearly cries to her about how much he adores you.

No, how much he loves you. He’s not told anyone else, only Nami, making her concern3d the moment she notices you avoiding and ignoring him. Once she gets Sanji to tell her what happened, she’s so close to smacking him upside the head for being so stupid.

“Of course she’s upset, you’re an idiot!”

Nami spends the better part of her afternoon berating Sanji, who cant even argue with her and just nods in agreement to everything she says. She stops him before he can even ask for ideas on what to do so he can make it up to you.

“No, you’re doing that yourself this time.”

It takes him most of the day to decide what he could do, what he could say, so it surprises you when he finally shows up after dinner that evening. He’s not looking you in the eyes, but he has your favorite flowers with him, it makes your heart ache a bit, believing he’s done this to every girl he’s ever upset in the past so you don’t move to take the flowers. You’re trying to stop your feelings, he's making it so hard though.

“Sanji—”

“[Y/N], I’m so sorry I made you feel like you aren’t special to me. I…it’s no excuse, but I didn’t think you’d ever have feelings for me like I do for you so I was trying to distract myself from you,” it starts to make sense, but you still don’t move, you’re not entirely sure you can trust him, “If you never forgive me I deserve it, but…can you give me a second chance? No, that’s not right…let me have the chance to make it up to you, and prove you’re so much more than to me than you think you are.”

You’re both quiet for a few moments, Sanji believes you’re completely done with him while you think it through.

A conflict between crewmates over something is always a possibility, but when it’s due to romantic feelings it feels weirdly worse to you. It feels like you’re letting it take over everything, but you’ve had these feelings for so long that you aren’t sure they’ll ever go away, even if you are trying to stop it. You still want to be his friend if nothing else, though it almost seems like he may want something more.

That’s something to discuss later.

Sanji starts to feel like things will get better when you reach out and take the flowers, not looking at him even when he looks up at you.

“…you can make my favorite dessert to start…and explain yourself better.”

The grin on his face makes you smile just a little bit in return, as Sanji nods and takes your hand to bring you to the kitchen.

“I’ll start right away while you put those in water! I’ll make you whatever drink you want too!”

“That sounds nice, Sanji…”

Before you get too much farther, Sanji stops and pulls you into a hug that you return.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t special to me…you mean more to me than anyone else in the world.” You’re going to choose to believe him, especially when Sanji goes the extra mile to make sure you know how much he loves you.

[the-stardust-shard]

What's it really like? How are the people in there? If you wanna answer I've always been curious cause Ive been told I should be in there

Honestly, it depends on your local laws / culture / country / region, but i’m in france so i’ll focus on my experience related to how it works here (incl. laws and such).

For reference, as of now i’ve done 2 stays, both of which were done in a private hospital and not a public one (which makes the experience itself vastly better by default, but still), and before my first stay in a private ward i’ve spent a bit of time in a local public one for single appointments (so no full-time admission but same grounds).

> What's it really like?

Boring. Mind-numbingly boring.

Your entire time schedule is strictly programmed so you spend most of your time stuck to it, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. i included below a photo of the schedule for here to show how much stuff there is inside.

A way i follow it to make it less grating is by noting down the “closing time” for each of those items, so i know when to come to arrive at the last minute when there’s little to no one left waiting, so i have the rest of my time free for myself or activities or whatever, but even then you’ll still have a nurse coming to check on you every so often and coming to berate you if you’re a bit late, so you’re always stuck to this stupid timetable.

time becomes so abstract that if you don’t have a personal watch / personal schedule for yourself, you always lose track of time or of the day. when on my first stay, i actually didn’t come with a watch (because my watch needs to be charged regularly and that’s done with a long power cable which is always confiscated) and until a friend brought one i spent my worst time completely lost and disconnected; i started noting down the day it was and how many days i was in on my hand to keep track of that.

that boredom always brings the worst, aka addictions to cope with that. cigarettes, soda, other binge snacking, and worse. if you’re in a group of people, you’ll often hear someone prompt for a smoke break. i didn’t smoke thanks to my husband bringing me my nicotine-free vape so i can have something to stim with, but i still drank around 100 cans (i have the number due to having collected all the caps) in less than 3 months.

a good thing is that it’s places with easy access to lots of other medical tools, so i’ve been able to see a few therapists, social workers, sports coaches, and that’s overall cool because it’s usually covered by the hospital where it would’ve been paid if i went to meet them outside.

A lot less waiting time and paperwork too, it’s handled for you, so it makes things less annoying to get going, especially if like me you struggle with paperwork and administrative bullshit.

as for the downtime between appointments / activities, it was filled with reading, listening to music, drawing, trading goods and services with other patients (yes, it’s one of the core components of psych ward), and once i felt safe enough to bring my laptop and such, watching series, playing games with other patients, etc.

my first stay gradually became better before the breakdown, but my second stay has been very isolated due to not finding anyone or any activity, so i’ve spent my entire stay reading books and listening to music in my room after having traded some snacks with some people who were going outside for the day.

the worst aspect for me was the food (an issue common with every stay tbf). as a vegan/vegetarian with allergies, i always got the most shitty and bland food possible (idk why in france they put meat in literally everything at every meal of the day), and that was actually what allowed me to leave the ward from my first stay; in less than 3 months i’ve lost 16kgs~ even with the snacking and the sport i did every day and i’ve been in tears at more than one meal due to how bad it was >> at this point i got used to not eating but it’s horribly bad and kinda scary for a medical site.

> how are the people here?

If i’m talking about other patients, the experience will be overall better imho. especially if you can find yourself a group of people in your age range or with similar experiences as you. it just feels.. a lot less judgemental and pressuring than outside. everyone’s fucked up in some way and nobody cares, we’re just here for the same reason and so we just hang out together and support each other when we can/want but even not doing that will not bring any judgement on you.

Staff is more awkward and uncomfortable, especially doctors and such (aka the ones with legal power over you) or administrative staff (aka the ones with power over the doctors and everyone else, but they’re so far up their asses in their comfy desk that they’re all always completely disconnected from reality, which makes their rare appearances very awkward and uncomfortable). On my first ward, i did find a few nurses that were pretty cool and with whom i’ve been able to have interesting or fun talk, but in the current ward i found no one, so the divide between them and us is really uncomfortable to handle.

in the public ward i went a few times for appointments (which was structured like an underground prison, full bars and all) though the med. staff was openly insulting of patients and such… i did witness and fight some shitty staff in the first ward too.

overall the staff is the most grating group, the one who can easily make the stay hellish and traumatize you even more if you’re not lucky.

still, among other patients i’ve been able to meet great friends with whom i’ve been able to spend a lot of good time even after my stay (one of those friends regularly comes to watch movies which we started on our stay, and the other is practicing tattooing with me, some others i’m still chatting with but don’t see as often though. these two specific people were pillars of mutual support during my stay)

you’ll note on the timetable below that it doesn’t even contain everything we need to keep track of in a day..

[saninthebuilding]

"i want to walk this path with you"

summary: in which you have reached your breaking point after one too many hits from the universe, and jungkook is there to help you get back up

wc: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, emotions, angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of family issues, an allusion to su!c!d3, rough head-space, verbal abuse-ish, mentions of weight and self-image, best friends to lovers, jungkook is the best-friend-turned-boyfriend alive

a/n: honestly, it's a self-indulgent long fic that i wrote for myself because these days haven't been too good. the fact that he went live today really boosted my mood, and this fic really shows how much of a lifesaver he is for me. without him, i don't know what i'd do. my life literally revolves around him. he is everything to me.

a/n 2.0: edited and wc updated!

~

today was not a good day.

when i woke up this morning i could already tell something was off. as if the universe were a chess player looking down at my pawn on the board, contemplating whether or not they should knock me down today, only to cackle aloud and tip me over.

and i had been right.

nothing had seemed to go my way today. my insecurities surrounding my image finally resurfaced due to the ongoing conversations my friend group has been having about weight and eating habits and fashion trends. my parents had been making it worse for the past few weeks, one day berating me for eating too much and the next scolding me for eating too little.

or really just yelling at me for random stuff every now and then. it was as though the stress they were dealing with at work (and from my younger brother who made it his life mission to make everyone miserable on a daily basis) was being taken out on me all the time.

of course, i couldn't forget the overflow of assignments and classwork i had to finish on a daily basis. with little to no motivation, it was proving to be really hard to start one thing, let alone complete everything.

and then there was fact that i was starting to feel more out of place in my own skin as the days went by.

it was like everything was too fast and too loud and too bright, but at the same time too slow and too quiet and too dull. it was as if one second everything mattered a little too much, and then suddenly nothing mattered at all.

at least there was no one around to witness me crumbling. my parents had left for a business trip earlier, and my younger brother was out with his friends. being a senior in high school, they had deemed me capable of looking after him for a few days, not knowing it was only adding more strain on my shoulders.

soon, i could feel the build-up of the multiple things i had been facing start to erupt, so when i stepped into the kitchen to try and make myself a quick dinner, i wasn't too surprised to find out that me dropping my bowl of ramen on the floor was my last straw.

then again, i suppose it had been a little too hot.

staring down at the now shattered china, my eyes watered as i took in the noodles splattered across the tiled kitchen floor.

"at least i didn't put too much broth this time" i choke out in an attempt to make myself feel better in this empty house.

it didn't work.

i felt the tightness in my chest grow, fuled off all the emotions i had been hiding for weeks now, begging to be let out. the pinching in my throat was unbearable as i felt the unavoidable onslaught of tears blur my vision.

please.

i give in.

sinking down to my knees by the mess of noodles and broth and china, in the daunting quiet of this house that no longer felt like a home, i heaved a shuddering breath.

and i cried.

sobs racked through my body with uncontrollable force as my tears streamed down my cheeks and into my lap. my hands began to shake, and i pressed my palms to the tiles, taking advantage of their ice-cold feel. my chest hurt to the point where i couldn't breathe, and i wasn't sure why eveything sounded so loud all of a sudden.

a shrill buzz jolted me out of my daze, and i sniffled, turning my head in its direction.

my...phone?

half-crawling, half-dragging myself across the kitchen, i pulled my phone off the counter.

i let out another sob seeing the caller id.

kookie

it was as if he knew.

i pick up as i try to get my breathing under control.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out shaky and strained.

"y/n?"

i let out another sob hearing his voice, quiet and concerned and oh so soft.

"hey, hey, what's going on? are you alright? where are you right now?"

he's panicking, and i hear rustling from the other end which tells me he's throwing a hoodie on.

"...in my kitchen" i mumble, eyes going back to my now-unedible dinner.

"just wait for me," he breathes, "i'll be there in 5 minutes. i'm gonna stay on the line, but just wait for me, ok? can you do that for me?"

"mhm."

i hear a door slamming, and then heavy footsteps. 

suddenly i realize how late it is- around 11:30pm. the fact that jungkook is leaving when it's this dark, that also to come see me, starts to worry me.

"kook it's really late. what if-"

my anxiety must have been evident in my voice, because he's instantly calming me down.

"baby, i'm perfectly fine. i see your house ok. i'll just use the spare key in your garage. i'll be right there."

my heart skips a beat at the pet name he occasionally uses for me. i'm sure he means it as a term of endearment, but it's hard to control myself when i've had feelings for him since we were kids.

and to make my situation even better, he's my best friend.

i let out a choked laugh at how i was crying one second and smiling the next.

"what's wrong? are you ok?"

although his voice comes through the phone, i suddenly hear muffled jangling of keys from the other side of the door, and a lock clicks open. i lift my head to the entrance, and see jeon jungkook standing in my doorway.

he takes in my defeated state, and the hand clutching his phone slowly slips down from where he was holding it to his ear, arm hanging loosely at his side.

he's silent, and i stay where i am, still crouched on the cold tiled floor. my eyes drift to his flushed cheeks and heaving chest, before noticing that his hair looked fluffier due to having faced the wind on his way here.

he's so beautiful.

"oh y/n" he whispers, before kicking his shoes off and rushing towards me. he drops down to his knees in front of me, before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest.

i cling onto him, biting on my bottom lip to keep my sobs under control as the tears start falling again. his hands are rubbing up and down my back, before he pulls back to hold my face in his hands.

"what happened?" he asks, voice shaky as i see his own eyes glistening. "who did this to you? what's wrong? talk to me, baby, i'm here now."

"i'm so tired jungkook" i whisper, the words twisting my gut. "i'm so fucking tired and i don't know how to fix it."

his fingers brush away the salt water streaming down my cheeks, and his face is mirroring the pain i feel in my heart.

"i've tried everything, i've done all i could for everyone in every possible way but it's never enough. nothing is enough, and it's only now that i realize that it will never be enough. i don't even know what they want from me anymore, jungkook, i-"

i let out a sob, and he instantly pulls me into his arms, rocking us gently. "shh y/n, i've got you."

"-and my parents keep yelling and my brother treats me like shit even though i try so hard to make sure he doesn't end up like me, and all anyone's talking about is their image and i'm so uncomfortable with myself, and then school is even more stressful-"

"hey, no no no, y/n, you're not-" jungkook tries to butt in, eyes wide and wet, but i just shake my head hard.

"it's too much jungkook" i plead, voice cracking, "it's too much and i don't know how much longer i can take it."

at this jungkook freezes, staring at me in what seems to be fear. a tear slips down his cheek, and i feel my heart break even more when i realize that i'm the reason he's crying.

"oh no, jungkook" i whisper, and this time it's me that wipes his tears, "please don't cry, i can't see you cry because of me."

he sniffles, rubbing a hand over his face and then over my own, before helping me stand up. holding my hand, he pulls me behind him as he grabs the broom, and keeps holding it as he shoves the mess on the floor into the dustpan and then the garbage. i grab the mop, still clutching his hand in mine, and swipe down the leftover broth that was still on the floor.

placing everything back, jungkook stands with me in the middle of the kitchen, quiet. i keep my gaze on our entwined fingers, unable to meet his gaze.

it's the first time i've broken down this bad in front of him, and i was afraid of what he would say next.

i don't know what i'd do if he walked away from me too.

eventually he breaks the silence.

"how long?" 

startled at the serious tone of his voice, i look up to see him staring at our hands. his jaw is clenched, and although his eyes are still shiny there's a sharpness in them.

"...a few weeks now" i whisper.

he's silent again, but this time when he looks at me his gaze is full of anger- for me.

"and your self-hate?"

i wince slightly, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"...long before that. it kinda just overflowed today..."

"did i..." jungkook swallows hard, as though the question he were trying to ask was hurting him.

"did i make you feel like that?"

my eyes go wide- how could he even think that? i pull him to me, hands covering his own as i shake my head.

"what- no! no, never! kook, sweetheart, you-" i breath out, upset that he even thought he had hurt me.

"if anything you're the only thing that keeps me going."

as soon as i say this, it's as though something in his gaze changes. suddenly his hands are on my waist, and he's lifting me up like i weigh nothing. gently resting me on the kitchen's marble countertop, he placed both hands on either side of my hips, before shifting closer to stand between my legs. when he speaks his voice comes out strained, as his fingers grip the counter edge so hard his knuckles turn white. as if he's holding himself back.

"give me permission" he breathes, and as he tilts his head down to face me fully, i can feel my breath catch in my throat.

"give me permission, and i will make you forget every fucked up thing you ever heard and every cruel thing you ever faced."

the intensity with which he holds my gaze makes my heartbeat speed up, and i realize that there's an emotion in his eyes that wasn't there before.

he leans closer, gently pressing his forehead against mine and closing his eyes.

"give me permission, y/n and i will show you how much you mean to me."

i think back to all the times he was there for me, high or low, night or day. i remember how he didn't hesitate to drop everything and come over the moment he heard me crying on the phone. i take in the sincerity and love in his voice, the way he was so close yet still just far enough to ensure that i wasn't uncomfortable.

and the fact that i knew he would respect my space without a second thought if i said no.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out breathless.

slowly, i raise my hands to cup his face, and feel him tense under my touch, awaiting my next words.

it was him.

it had always been him.

and it will always be him.

because he is everything to me.

"kiss me."

jungkook opens his eyes, meeting my gaze as his fingers grip my chin before he turns his head sideways, leaning in.

i meet him in the middle.

his lips are soft against mine, his touch gentle, as though i were the most precious thing around. placing a hand on the small of my back, he pulls me closer so that i'm flush against his chest, the warmth radiating off of him calming me down.

he pulls away after a while but stays close enough so that we're still face to face.

"i love you so fucking much" he breathes, emotion dripping from his words and his touch and his gaze.

i wrap my arms around his upper body and hug him to me, burying my face into the crook of his neck. he instantly hugs me back, placing a soft kiss to my temple before resting his chin on top of my head.

"i love you, jungkook." 

~

[instantmiraclekryptonite]

I really just want to vent but I feel like a very bad child.

My mom has always made it very clear to me who her favorite child is and it never actually bothered me because I was my dad's favorite but a few years ago my dad passed and ever since it's like it's only gotten worse for me. Before if she'd yell at me or do something in favor of my sibling I'd just tell my dad and he'd make me feel better but without him here it's like there's no escape and it just leads me stewing in my own thoughts and spiralling. Now my mom always has criticism about anything I do or say or want to do but my dad was always so supportive and I could always count on him to not make me feel like I know nothing but since my dad died it's just been criticism upon criticism and it's got too much and I blew up at her we had a big fight and everything was tense for about two months before she finally gave in and said she'd do better.

This was all years ago and recently I decided to start a business. I told her because I'm still a minor and of course she'd see packages getting delivered and ask so I decided to just get it out of the way. She'd been surprisingly supportive and gave me permission to do things. Now all the things for my business have arrived and I've started making my products but everytime I show her something she's always like "well I don't like it and I don't know if anyone else will like it" and stuff like that, before she says anything good she always says multiple bad things about it. This has been going on for three weeks now and I just told her yesterday that I'm going to show people in our church my products and start trying to get customers. I told her I was going to tell my friend (who already has a platform) about it and maybe give her some of my goods to sell if possible and she immediately started berating me that that's not how things are done and all my money is going to go to waste if I do it that way. She said I should start slowly selling it to people but I shouldn't actively seek out people, but if I listen to her how exactly am I going to start selling things. I mainly blocked her ranting out but I left the talk noticably sadder than when I started it. The problem is I've noticed that this is becoming a pattern, I tell her something I did or want to do, she discredits it or tells me I didn't do it well and I always end up thinking of course it's not ok because I'm the one that did it or why'd I think she'd actually say something positive and I find myself never willing to listen to her advice which is wrong cause she's my mom obviously but it's just too much. I'm definitely going to tell my friend about my business because she's also in the same line and has offered to give me tips or a platform if I like.

Anyway this' really long and I don't even know what I hope to achieve from this but I just don't think I should be feeling like this. It's criticism and when anyone else gives it I have no problem accepting it but when it's her I just don't want to listen, aren't I a bad kid? Isn't that wrong or spoilt or selfish of me?

[thejadearia]

on chronic illness and being An Artist with Goals

I had wanted to use this blog more frequently and keep up with posting my art or whatever other creative things I was up to, but this past year was a lot. I started the long process of getting all kinds of tests and scans done to figure out why I have chronic migraine, as well as some other chronic health issues. It's been very frustrating because so far we haven't found any solid answers or solutions.

Despite my colossal lack of spoons, I did manage to make a lot and try a lot of new things this year! My original goal was to complete one art piece per month, so at the end of the year I could have a nice 3x4 grid of thumbnails like all the other cool artists and feel accomplished. But pushing through migraines to try to race to finish something for an arbitrary deadline just so I can have a Content makes migraine worse, actually. So this year was also a year to learn how to balance my goals with my health. No self-imposed deadline is worth making myself sicker!

Having the goal really did help me to accomplish more and keep me more focused in where I was putting my energy. At the same time, it gave me the opportunity to learn to be gentle with myself when it became clear I needed to step back and rest. It's a balancing act, and I will be learning and re-learning it probably for the rest of my life, so I may as well do so in a way that isn't so harmful to myself. There's no sense in berating myself for not working on a project when I'm literally in so much pain I can't open my eyes. That's just silly and unrealistic.

It was a fun year even with all the medical stress! I think I will tweak last year's goal a bit for this year: I want to work on something new or try something new each month, and I'd like to have a finished piece each month, but my health takes priority. And I'd like to post here more, but I think I need to let go of the overwhelm of thinking everything I post has to be finished polished Content.

[inkofamethyst]

November 10, 2024

So, at first, I was numb. And then I was upset, spiteful. Admittedly I succumbed to some of those baser instincts and sought a narrative, any narrative.. someone, even some group to blame. I wanted to understand how he could have been elected a second time, how so many millions of people looked at that and said they wanted it in charge. Over half this time. I think it was when I started seeing actual conspiracy theories that I decided it was time to put the phone down before tiktok could drag me into believing (and, god forbid, spouting) some nonsense. I was lucid enough for that.

I did see one article/figure from the financial times that described how in every single developed nation that had an election this year, the incumbent party, regardless of their political swing, lost vote share, and that this was the first time such a cohesive trend had emerged since being tracked over a hundred years ago. The only thing tying those parties together in this moment is that they all presided over the covid aftermath and the global economic inflation that was felt by people worldwide. And that feels like the narrative that I have attached so strongly to for some reason. Like, yes, there are social reasons for sure, but in some ways that makes the result seem like an inevitability. In some ways that makes me feel better, in other ways, worse.

So after I had grounded myself from the mild anger and spitefulness (admittedly while I did have snarky, sarcastic, spiteful comments locked and loaded for anyone who ended up asking me how I was doing, I was ultimately unwilling to lash out at others, and I think that was for the best.), I returned to the questions that had been running through my mind for weeks and were now front and center: "why was it so close" and "where did we lose them" turned into "how did we not see that so many people felt so disenfranchised and unheard by the left" and "how do we reach them".

Several years ago now, there was an incident where I'll always, always regret not speaking up, and I feel that it was emblematic of one major factor that has impacted the voting demographics these past several election cycles. I won't describe the incident in full, but it was ultimately a teacher who dismissed the thoughts of a student and berated him for his whiteness and maleness. I had the clout at the time to say something then and there, or after class, or to that student who was already a little outcasted, but I wasn't brave enough even though I knew that I should have and could have and that the words themselves wouldn't have mattered but the fact that I was choosing to say something would have and I regret that moment so much. And I don't think that we as the left need to go and coddle men or anything, but I do think we need to maybe practice what we preach and be mindful of our speech. Because, yeah, I mean a major reason that Black people are a solid Dem voting bloc is because we are well aware that the right is more likely to judge (and/or straight up hate) us for the immutable characteristic of ~Being Black~. I am surely not going to go where I'm not wanted. So I do get it.

The dominant culture still seems to reward "toxically masculine" traits. Much of the left is participating in this "culture war" in trying to redefine what masculinity should be by shouting about what it isn't. And that is at odds with what we are all able to see. So yeah, young men will go where they are celebrated. I get it.

But where to go from here? My long-standing philosophy has been that "it's not my responsibility to change someone else's mind; they can do the work just as I have." The easy way forward would be to just strengthen my bonds within my community and to engage more with the people around me and build local coalitionary action. And I will do that. But I don't think that is enough this time :( I think I need to be more open to conversations with people I may not agree with. I think I need to have my facts ready, and I think I need to practice sharing them in a non-adversarial way. I don't want to be confrontational, that's not my style, but I want to be more empathetic. And I want to learn more about the other side.

i also think Democrats should fund wholesome male twitch streamers

Perhaps it is because of my Blackness and my Womanness that I cannot bring myself to blame Kamala very much at all. That's my bias, sure.

Today I'm thankful that I went to see a symphony yesterday evening. Just by myself, but that was fine. I saw a concerto for the first time and that was incredible, the soloist was breathtakingly talented. I also got to see The Planets which was a special treat. I can't imagine myself ever growing tired of that work. I'd seen it live once before but that was three(?) years ago now. The accelerando sections in Jupiter are just so twerkable idc idc idc. Even through this craziness there will be art to appreciate. There will be art to make, arts to learn. Art, art, art, art.

Yesteday's SNL Cold Open was actually quite funny.

I am worried, but life moves on.

[forbidden-creepypasta]

We All Start Somewhere

First time poster, long time lurker. I've seen enough newfags get berated to know the treatment and I'm ready for it. Critique and criticism are welcomed and encouraged.

When I was young I never paid much thought to the foul creature who whispered to me in the dark moments before sleep. Sometimes it was too faint to hear, or in a foreign language. But when I could hear it I always wished I couldn't, atleast at the beginning. He only spoke of unnatural death and twisted monsters, never once a pleasant word.

He would tell me in terrible detail of those who have died, and how. I used to think that these were the stories of people he killed, but I abandoned that thought long ago. Once I tried to roll over and scream at him to shut up, but when I tried I could not speak. Since then I've never looked, only listened.

After many nights, for many years, I had begun to look forward to my time with him. It had got to the point when I could think only of death. I would envision every account that I was blessed with the night before, sometimes adding myself to the stories, either as the one causing death, or the one receiving it.

As I got older he visited me less and less until he eventually stopped coming altogether. This bothered me to some extent, not because I particularly liked him, but I did like the stories he told. I relied heavily on his wicked inspiration.

It had been many years since I saw him last, but recently he visited me again. He told no stories this time, but I knew he was there. For the first time in our many years together I spoke to him. I asked why he stopped coming. He didn't answer. I asked if this would be our last night together. Again no answer but I felt it was. Lastly I asked why there were no stories, if he was out. He laughed and said. "It's time for you to make your own stories."

This is a continuation of "We all start somewhere" You should probably read that one first, to make sense of this one. The third paragraph is in italics because that's inner thoughts, but in case there was anyone who didn't know. (not condescending) I am very much on the fence about this one. If you feel the first story works better as a stand-alone let me know.

He told me to make my own stories. I was never sure what he meant by that, but it has stayed with me my entire life, haunting me, and giving my very existence a purpose. Eventually came the day when I would uproot myself and set out on my search. For what exactly, I wasn’t sure, at least at the start.

I just needed answers; there were too many questions and not enough answers. So I searched and scoured for any clues, for anything. After some time I found myself in a distant land. By then I had found what I was looking for, although no closer to actually finding it. But in truth, I had found it, many times.

Begging your pardon. My vagueness is intentional. You will understand before its over, that’s my promise to you. Please understand that this is less for you, and more for me. I doubt you would listen anyway, not now at least. Something’s must be seen. Somehow I know it will all be painfully clear to you before this is over.

I had seen terrible things, and done worse. But it was all in the name of... Well, I can find no name to justify the things I've done, so lets just say it was all in my name. My travels had blessed me with many unnatural secrets that I did not believe mankind was ready for, or ever will be for that matter. So I vowed to only use them for my own gain. Perhaps loss is a more fitting word.

When I was a child I never paid much thought to the foul creature that whispered to me in the dark moments before sleep. So why should it be any different this time. Perhaps I can warn him. Stop him from becoming a monster.

So I spoke, because I knew he would listen.

Credit to: unnatural causes

[dumbwa-sian]

November 6th

These days I don't feel okay, too much has happened and it's making me crazy. we broke up and now it's weird. I never wanted to make the friend group choose sides or have a rift between us. I even told you if being with you was going to cause a rift in our friendship then I don't want to be with you. I would rather have only ever been friends from the start.

Now I'm feeling some type of way and trying to navigate my own feelings and mental health. I don't know what to do and I feel like I've hit a road block. But I really am trying to fix myself and everything but it feels like my friends- our friends are picking sides and their picking yours. This was the last thing I wanted.

I never and still don't want anyone to pick sides. But I no longer feel safe telling them how I feel or allowing myself to feel any emotion around them, in fear that they'll continue to berate and get angry at my own feelings. Like I said I am trying my absolute best everyday to try and control said emotions.

But as anyone will tell you, bottling your emotions are unhealthy and often leads to you exploding. So of course I try to let go of these emotions healthily but I don't know how to do that right now, but I am still trying everyday to find the best solution. Right now I need my friends and people who love me around me, just to listen, let me cry and be angry and laugh by my side, to be patient and just show me love. But like I said, our friends are picking sides and they picked yours.

I no longer feel safe with my friends.

For the first time in a very long time, I really feel alone. All I have is my best friend from childhood who I can truly rely on and call whenever I want/need. In my world, it's just the two of us who I can depend on. I don't have any other true friends or people I can openly talk to and let my feelings out too, free of judgement. Maybe thats why I've been drinking so much.

I've said it before but the emotional pain of losing everyone and having my world crumble is something I can handle. I've done it before and I can do it again. But the problem lies in the physical manifestations of these feelings. Feeling so sick I get horrible nausea, being unable to eat/eating too much, not being able to leave my bed etc. These are the things I can't handle and affect my everyday/professional life. I don't know what to do with these emotions.

What's worse is that I have to figure it all out alone, since I no longer have friends.

I could make new friends but I

Hate people

Am so scared they'll be like everyone else and leave

tired

I am perfectly happy being alone for the rest of my life with no friends and only having superficial connections for work, especially if it means I no longer have to get hurt. I don't think I can handle thinking I have real friends and having them disappear/betray me over and over again anymore. I don't have anyone in my corner and I am losing my shit.

The only thing keeping me sane these days is listening to Christmas music and burying myself in work or being distracted with literally anything else.

I guess I just hope one day I can have REAL friends who'll back me up, but I doubt it'll happen for me and who knows if I can make it. For now I'll post my troubles on the internet, hopefully someone reads this and doesn't feel alone. Cause lord knows I am.

[sleppur]

how i’m doing.

i don't know how to write how i'm feeling. everything seems to be getting worse. i am getting worse. the mess that is my head is getting worse. i am indifferent to everything. i go through the motions of life because i have to. i don't even know why i am doing it anymore. but just so we're clear, i don't want to end it. i'm not in that state of darkness. i've just been going through episodes of everything imploding. i can’t tell you where one ends and another begins. my memory doesn't work like it used to. when society started moving again a couple of years ago, i was ready to get back to the routine i knew. and almost instantly the bit of mass i gained, was lost. and i knew i could keep that up. i was satisfied with that change. but i was also doing more work than i could handle, picking up the slack for people who didn't see me as worthwhile anyway. i wasn't good enough to be there. i also wasn't good enough for my family. i couldn't be who they wanted. and i couldn't just sit by and be berated for my lack of worth. hiding away from others is a much easier option. i spent days upon days suspended in states of derealisation, unable to function but having to do so anyway. i thought the stress would ease up but when it seemingly did, i felt like i was being hit by a train. my depression felt worse. the week i dealt with that was horrendous. and then it subsided but the stress came back. it was like i couldn't stop the cycle even when pieces of it were removed. since i was always spinning, i was stuck in it. i think it has been hitting so hard lately as there was a while where i felt completely incompetent. i felt inadequate in everything i was doing. nothing i did right felt like it made up for that uselessness. there was nothing to make up for my inherent faults. i can't be fixed. i still feel this way. and i still feel like others harbour these same feelings towards me, even if just in the back of their minds. i don't know how to get out of this. a few months ago i wrote a note on my phone while stuck in my head. it said: why do i feel like such a constant mess? i can't get myself together. i'm putting on a show for everyone, because looking the part is the most i can do. i can pretend until i've burned a hole through the script. i'll be whatever is needed of me, as long as what's underneath doesn't seep through. all i want is the inadequacies that i am, the mess i bring, to not be seen. i still feel this. and i am slipping into some self-destructive habits to cope with it. i just need to feel something else than this. i worry that this will get worse, that i can't control it all. i wonder if it will all get too much and i won't know how to hide it anymore. i have no intention of telling people in my life how i feel. how do i begin to explain that i don't feel the least bit good enough? how i do tell someone i don't see the point in all of this, that things will inevitably not work out, but i don't intend to end it? i can't explain this mess. i just don't know how to keep moving forward without falling further. this is just hard. (12:36am).

[pipcoded]

reading over my thousands upon thousands of phone notes to myself over the span of five years and its just me spiralling and suffering and crying out to nobody and gradually getting more and more mentally ill is.... kinda sad. it helps me get a grasp on how sick ive been and why im like this but its depressing to see how much ive dealt with for so long (longer than 5 years obv i just started documenting around 2018) with no support whatsoever. just being berated or called an evil soulless monster or worse, being totally ignored by everyone who could've easily reached out to help. every improvement ive made was entirely alone bc nobody has given a shit about me at all lmao no wonder i dont have the ability to feel pleasure or happiness anymore. how can i experience joy when life has shown me time and time again that its pointless to even try being happy?

and i think thats why it always makes me angry to see people say things like "it isnt your fault you were traumatized but it is your obligation to get better" .... key word there being obligation. because how fucking unfair is that? to tell people in hopeless situations that they are obligated to get better or else.... idk they can go fuck themselves, i guess? i cant think of a crueler sentiment than that.

[lantur]

I need to write about something that happened to me last night. It was really upsetting.

I mentioned in a post last week about how my parents' emotional abuse is steadily escalating, with my dad heavily pressuring me to reconcile with my emotionally abusive narcissist mother by saying that he doesn't have long left to live and his soul won't rest in peace until I reconcile with her. It got worse last night. I was talking to him and he started talking about how he can't sleep at night because of fear of what will happen to my mom when he's gone, because "I'm their only child and I need to be there to support her."

I tried to de-escalate and end the conversation, like I have every time he has brought this up since early September. Instead, he put me on the phone with my mom, who immediately started yelling at me, berating me, denying that she ever said anything that was hurtful and offensive - even though I have it all in writing, via her texts and emails. She started yelling about how much I've hurt her.

Meanwhile my dad was pleading with me to "let the past be in the past" because he doesn't know how long he has to live, and start over fresh, and have a relationship with her like I used to, because that's the only way he can be happy and at peace.

He asked that I:

text her every day throughout the day

talk to her on the phone every day

I would like to say I said NO to everything. I was so flustered and overwhelmed at being ganged up on with no warning that I literally just shut down. I put the phone on speaker with Derek there with me so he could hear everything they were saying.

I didn't lose my temper with my mom or my dad, even though I was close.

I didn't agree to text her every day and talk to her every day. I said the most I would do is speak to him on speakerphone with her around if she wants to be.

I know he's not going to accept this and this is going to be another fight later in the week when he gets angry at me for not doing what he wants me to do.

I felt so humiliated and angry after I hung up the phone. It brought back memories of a lifetime of both of them ganging up on me, aggressively berating me, when I tried to stand up for myself. I finally escaped at 23 when I moved out and moved halfway across the country. They've never forgiven me for that and they've been punishing me ever since I left.

I felt so... humiliated. I'm literally almost 30 years old, living independently halfway across the country from them, and my parents are still bullying me like they did for my whole life, trying to control my behavior and actions.

My therapist is, unfortunately, out of the country until early next week. It was too painful for me to be able to talk about this with friends last night. I didn't sleep well last night with all of this on my mind. Derek has been wonderfully supportive since it all happened.

At first I was too humiliated to write about it on tumblr. It's personal, it's embarassing. But there's one reason I want to do it. My experience of a lifetime of emotional abuse by my parents is that I felt profoundly isolated and ashamed while it was and is happening. It's invisible. There are no physical wounds, but mentally it takes its toll and you feel broken. The stigma and the silent shame of sustained, prolonged emotional abuse is real. It can happen to anyone.

[rendevousz]

reunited

req: i was wondering if i could request a natasha x teen daughter reader where the reader has really bad social anxiety please? maybe where the reader was in the red room with natasha but given to hydra once the red room was taken down and natasha has been looking for her ever since she left the red room. on a mission to take down a hydra base natasha finally finds reader, and it's super emotional for the both of them and they're just happy to have each other back. natasha knows about readers social anxiety from when she was younger and sees that it's only gotten worse now, so she's super sweet and understanding. she saves the reader from the base and comforts her the whole way home because she's scared of all of the new people also on the jet (the other avengers). the reader lives with natasha at the compound with everyone else and natasha is just great about her social anxiety and never pushes her out of her comfort zone and comforts her when she has panic attacks. sorry if that's a lot, but thank you so much! i love your fics sooo much, you're such an amazing writer!!! 💖💖💖

mother figure!nat x fem!teen!reader

summary: nat finally finds you after years of looking.

word count: 4083

notes: i didn't make them peers in the red room because then they'd have to be around the same ages but i made them meet at the red room. also i didn't know how to write about her having social anxiety so i hope you don't mind that i didn't 😓 hope you like this <33

"stop," madame b's authoritative voice commanded and all of you stopped dancing. all of your peers seemed to be struggling to stand still on their battered feet, some breathing heavily but who could blame them? you had all been instructed to dance for hours now. you had to dance until you couldn't anymore.

your head faced madame b but your eyes landed on your best friend, veronika, for a split second. she seemed in pain and you vowed to check on her after whatever announcement your supervisor had for you. you stood tall, clenching your jaw in order to not show that you were in pain or out of breath.

madame b's gaze flickered to you for a second, her lip lifting up on one side for a brief moment before her face hardened once again.

"i have someone special here today. she's here to observe your training and if necessary, teach what you girls lack. she has long graduated this academy, please welcome miss natasha romanova."

you jolted awake, panting hard at the memory that just played in your dreams. you looked around you, seeing the same cell wall you had been put in for the past three years. after the fall of the red room academy where you were from, another organisation came and swooped you in, not wanting to waste your skills. you were the only one they took, having heard much about your abilities and reputation in the red room.

the girls stood all around you and veronika, watching the two of you spar tirelessly after hours of endless ballet. natasha and madame b watched the match closely, eyes trained on your techniques and movements.

after natasha had introduced herself to all of you, madame b had instructed her supposedly two best students—you and veronika— to demonstrate a true spar between skilled assassins.

while you were reluctant to attack your best friend, she had other plans, one that included impressing her idol who stood mere metres away from her. you were shocked when she started attacking you. never had she obeyed a command against you so quick.

you had to put away your initial shock to start attacking back in order to not get hurt by the hands of your own best friend. the look in her eyes was different, almost animalistic. it wasn't like the one she had when you two were laid in your beds side to side at night, handcuffed to it while you talked about your deepest struggles being in the academy. it wasn't the same one she had when you reassured her that she was doing okay whenever she said she would never be as good as you were at this whole assassin thing. it wasn't the same innocently surprised one she had just moments ago when she was addressed as one of madame b's best students.

this wasn't your best friend. this was a girl blinded by her desire to impress. she wanted to show natasha that she was the better one out of you two. your heart broke when you saw her desperation. it was obvious in the way she fought you.

it wasn't long before you had her in a chokehold, the girl struggling to get your grip off of her. your face visibly faltered, eyes tearing up slightly when you heard her whimpers. natasha took notice of this.

your lips were quivering when you turned to madame b. a simple nod from your trainer had you whispering a strained 'i'm sorry, i love you' in her ear before you broke her neck. the girl fell limp in your arms, dropping down to the mat, dead. you panted heavily as you stepped away from her body.

"good. this is what i expect of all of you," madame b turns to your peers, the stone cold look back on her face. "one thing you need to perfect though, y/n, is your emotions. don't get emotional over things that don't matter. i saw your inner conflict. veronika would have no reluctancy to end you if you were the one in the chokehold. she was more mentally prepared to be a ruthless assassin. you're lucky you're more skilful than she is. she would have no hesitation to kill you, close companion or not."

you swallowed that lump in your throat, biting the insides of your cheeks to prevent crying right then and there. "you have a lot of potential, y/n. don't let your emotions ruin it. i have high hopes for you." she spoke once again, before dismissing everyone.

you left the room with a heavy heart, turning to look at veronika's body one last time before leaving quickly so you could break down where no one else could witness.

you rushed to the staircase where you and veronika would sneak away all the time when you were supposed to be having lunch. you two would always sit under those stairs, talk about anything and everything you could. your tears were now freely rolling down your face.

"hey," you heard a voice say and you quickly wiped your tears away. you looked up and saw that it was none other than natasha. "miss romanova," you breathed out, scrambling to get up before she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, the woman seating herself next to you on the floor, under the staircase.

"that must've been hard for you," she spoke after a few seconds of silence. "i remember my first time killing an actual person in training. they had me shoot targets and i consistently got the bullseye every time. then they switched out the targets to an actual person and i had a hard time doing that. i can't imagine how it must've been for you. i heard you and veronika were quite the inseparable duo."

you didn't move to show that you were shattered over the current events but the millions of tears silently streaming down your face said otherwise. natasha turned to you, reaching to wipe your tears away before gently caressing your cheek.

"you're a strong one, y/n. you remind me of myself when i was still in training. i can see myself in you." she told you truthfully. she had no idea why but she felt a strong connection towards you. she felt that you and her had so much in common. she had a strange inclination to protect you even though she knew damn well you were capable of doing so yourself.

since then, she always dropped by to help train all of you but you and her developed a relationship so strong that she even told you of her plans to get you out of that hellhole. at that point, it had been a few months since she'd turned good but she kept coming to the academy for your sake. she felt a sense of responsibility over you, like a mother would over her daughter.

she would with the other girls too if they had shown at least a bit of humanity but it seemed that the red room had ruined them beyond fixing. despite being the best student of the academy, you still weren't inhumane like the rest. you would hesitate to hurt others, only doing so when threatened and even that, you still weren't as heartless or cruel.

madame b would always berate you over this but natasha would pick up the pieces every single time. you loved her. she was the best thing in your life after veronika and your heart broke when the red room fell and you were taken away. away from the mother you never had.

you awoke with a jolt again. it was the second night in a row you were reliving your past memories. you touched your face and you felt the tears on it, wiping them with your sleeve as you sat up in your cold, uncomfortable bed in your cell. you sighed, bringing your knees up to your chest and hugging them.

you couldn't help but think of nat again. what could've happened if she managed to get you out before you were taken away? could you have a nice life with her? would you never have to hide under the stairs to have emotional exchanges with the woman? would you finally have been able to be who you were, not influenced by the evil around you?

you never knew what it was like having a mother but you imagined it was what nat had been towards you during the times you spent together at the academy. you two were more mother and daughter rather than trainer and student.

all of a sudden, alarms blared through the building and red warning lights flickered in your cell. you stood up, peeking through the small glass of your cell door to see guards rushing through the hallways in a frenzy.

you assumed that the facility was under attack and no one was coming to save you. you didn't even try, walking back to your bed to return to your position of hugging your knees tightly to your chest.

you could hear the chaos outside but opted not to pay attention to it. it didn't involve you and if no one was coming to save you from whatever was attacking the place—not that anyone in that place would, you were merely an asset to them—you wouldn't bother worrying about whether you were going to live by the end of the night.

a loud bang interrupted your thoughts and you looked up to see your cell door had been forcefully thrown open by a large man in stripes, holding a circular shield. you immediately stood up, getting ready to attack him when he spoke.

"i'm not here to hurt you." he said, holding out a hand as if to tell you to stop whatever you were about to do. "we're here to save you. you can finally leave this place now." he says gently. you frown at him, still in a stance ready to attack him.

"cap, is there someone in this room?" a familiar voice spoke and your head immediately turned to the door, where the owner of the voice stood, mouth dropping open at the sight of you. your face softened and a tiny gasp left your lips at the sight of her.

"y/n...is that you?" she breathed out, walking towards you and not stopping when she saw that you weren't alarmed or anything. "nat.." you choked out, tears starting to form. how crazy was it that you had been having flashbacks of her for the past two nights and suddenly she was here to come save you?

"y/n!" she exclaimed, pulling you into a tight hug. you knees buckled but she held onto you tightly, sniffling as she caressed your head gently. you buried your face in her shoulder as you took in the familiar feeling of being in her arms once again.

more tears started to form in your eyes now. never had you thought you were actually going to see her again. you lost the hope of seeing her again two years ago. but here she was, standing in your cell and hugging you like there would be no tomorrow.

your hugging session was cut short when steve sheepishly spoke up. "sorry to uh, interrupt this reunion but more guards are coming, i think it's best if we leave now." he picked up his shield, leading the three of you out of the facility safely and back to their quinjet. the whole time, nat held onto your hand tightly, as if letting go would lead to another few years of being apart once again.

once you reached the quinjet, nat led you to the seats in the back where you two would have more privacy. the team watched the two of you in confusion before turning back to steve for an explanation as he was the one who was partnered with nat for this mission. all the captain could tell them was that you two knew each other way before this and that all of them would have to wait for an explanation from nat herself if they wanted to know what was going on.

when you reached the compound, nat led you to her room where she lent you her clothes and let you shower before tucking you into her bed. when she was sure you were comfortably asleep, she left the room quietly to go grab a glass of water only to find the whole team sat in the common room instead of back in their own rooms.

she looked at them, confused. "guys, it's like almost the crack ass of dawn and we just got back from a mission, why aren't you asleep? or were you debriefing? in the common room? did i miss it?"

"no, you know debriefings for late night missions are the next morning. we were waiting for you actually," steve spoke on behalf of the whole team. "me? for what?"

"nat, c'mon, don't act stupid. you know what we're talking about," clint makes an unimpressed face at his best friend. nat sighs, taking a seat next to him and the team look at her expectantly. she cleared her throat, preparing for a whole story time.

"you know how i was from the red room?" she asked them and they all nodded, urging her to continue her story. "well, after i graduated, i was asked to come help train the younger ones in the programme. during that time, i met this girl. she reminded me a lot of my younger self and she didn't seem completely brainwashed to the point where she lacked emotions. i grew close to her and after i met clint and joined SHIELD, i vowed to get her out of there because she went through a lot in that hellhole and i could tell she didn't want to do any of the things that the other girls were fine doing.

"she had a good heart and i didn't want it to be wasted. she was the best in the academy and i knew they had big plans for her. but i didn't want her to be programmed to kill. she was much more than that. so i made this whole plan for her escape. i kept going back to the academy to come see her and share my plan with her. clint, you always asked me where i kept disappearing to when we first started becoming friends. it was her. the people there didn't know i was already under SHIELD at that time—nobody did—so it was safe for me to keep visiting and keep planning an escape for her.

"but three years ago, the red room fell. i rushed over because i thought i could finally leave with her without anyone knowing. but apparently she'd been taken away. she was the only one of the girls who was taken. by who, i didn't know at that time. but i knew it was because of her skills and abilities. if the red room had big plans for her, i knew other organisations must've already heard of her too.

"i never stopped looking for her. i don't know why i never thought of HYDRA. but it doesn't matter anymore. i finally found her and i'm never letting her go. i hope you guys don't mind that she lives here now. if not, i'll move out and find somewhere for us."

the team seemed surprised that nat told them her story. they were very much expecting her to, well, not tell them because this seemed like a very personal story.

"no, no, of course she can stay. i'll even set up another room for her." tony says and nat nods gratefully. "what's her name?" wanda asks.

"y/n," nat tells her, smiling at the thought of you as she stands up. "alright, i have to go back to her. see you guys in the morning. maybe you'll get to see her then."

she bids them goodnight, leaving after grabbing a glass of water for you in case you woke up in the middle of the night, in need of it. she wasn't wrong because when she got back to her room, you were up, hugging your knees as you cried.

"hey, hey, hey, what's wrong, sugar?" she quickly puts the glass of water on the bedside table, sitting on the bed and pulling you close to her. you look up at her all teary-eyed and she feels her heart break.

"i–i thought i lost you again," you croaked out, burying your face in her shoulder. "oh, sugar, you'll never lose me ever again. i'll never let that happen. you're safe here with me. now sleep, i'll be here when you wake up." she stroked your hair gently, laying down next to you on the bed before you two fell into a blissful slumber in each other's arms.

true to her words, she was right next to you when you woke up the next time. she seemed wide awake and you felt bad because she probably had been up hours before but didn't leave you because you were scared.

"how'd you sleep, sugar?" she asked as you sat up, stretching. "the best i have in years. thanks to you, nat." you smiled at her, still not believing all of this is real. that you're finally reunited with the woman you thought of as your mother.

"do you want to meet my friends? they're dying to meet you," she tells you and you bite your lips nervously. "do you think they'll like me?"

"are you crazy? of course they will. and if they don't, i'll make them." she threatens playfully and you laugh, missing how protective of you she is. you smile, agreeing to her suggestions to meet her friends after you got ready for the day.

-

"hi, sweetie, you're y/n?" a man with fancy silk pyjamas greeted as you entered the common room with natasha. you nodded timidly, scooting closer to natasha. it was weird for natasha to see you this nervous. after all, you were the best student of your batch in the red room. but she understood that years with no actual social interaction does that to people.

"i hope you'll like staying here, i already have your room setting up as of right now. when you move in, you can tell me if you don't like anything and i'll change it for you. oh, i forgot, i'm tony," he extends a hand towards you and with an encouraging nod from nat, you hesitantly shake his hand. he smiles at you before telling you both he has projects to finish down in his lab and to tell him if you needed anything.

"hey, nat, not gonna introduce your friend to us?" you heard a voice from behind you and you two turned around to see two men and a woman. you recognised both men—one of them was the one who broke into your cell last night and the other one you had seen him a lot from pictures nat would show you during your secret meetings in your red room days. he was her best friend. you didn't know the woman but the kind smile on her face was enough to reassure you that these people weren't bad.

"y/n, meet clint, the idiot who i call best friend," she points to the shorter man. the name nat called him must've offended him because the face he made was hilarious that you let out a little giggle. nat smiles at this before proceeding to introduce the other two.

"this one's steve, he's an old man stuck in a young body—literally— so if he says things you don't understand, just smile and nod." you nod at nat and steve gives her an incredulous look, as if not believing the audacity she had to introduce him like that.

"this one's wanda, she's the least annoying person in this whole place and she can cook whatever you want so i think you two will get along really well." wanda smiles at you and you return it shyly. you smile at the other two before nat drags you away, telling them she still had others to introduce you to.

when you entered the kitchen, you saw a man reading a newspaper on the kitchen island while another man, whose skin was red, stood beside him. they seemed to be discussing something very intelligent because you didn't understand a single word they spoke.

"bruce, vision, i want you to meet someone." they turned their attentions towards you and nat and you immediately felt like hiding once again. "oh hello, steve told us you brought back someone from the mission. is this her? hello, i'm bruce," the man sitting down introduced himself.

"wait, is this the bruce?" you asked nat, smirking teasingly at her and she smacks you gently on the shoulder. the man seemed flustered at what you're insinuating, scratching his neck awkwardly.

"bruce, vision, this is y/n, i've known her for a long time and i finally found her after years so i hope you two won't mind that she'll be staying here from now on," nat tells them. the two of them didn't come on the mission last night so they were the only two who didn't actually see you until today.

"it's nice to meet you, y/n. i'm vision, i hope you'll enjoy your stay here." the man with the red skin greets formally and you turn to nat with a confused expression. "he's an android, he does things a bit weird here so don't mind him." she whispers to you and you nod understandingly.

"it's nice to meet you two, i hope we'll be good friends." you say awkwardly, hoping to get this whole introduction thing over with. how many people do you have left to meet?

speaking of the devil—or should you say, devils—, two annoying voices rang through the kitchen, interrupting the peacefulness that it was before they came in.

"i'm just saying that if you hadn't eaten my last bag of chips last week, i wouldn't have taken your cookies last night. it's all about fair play, man."

"and i keep telling you that it wasn't me! i don't even like those stupid salty ass chips from that brand,"

"stop lying, i saw you eating that brand the other day! just admit you stole my chips and go,"

"guys, are you really having another one of your stupid arguments now?" nat cuts them off and they immediately turned to you, finally noticing all of you.

"oh hey! y/n, right? it's nice to meet you, i'm sam. if you wanna survive in this place, you better hide your snacks because if you don't, this winter warrior here will snatch 'em all before you can even stash them in the cupboards. don't ever trust this guy here when it comes to your snacks. you heard what happened to mine," the man fakes a cry and you held back a laugh at his long introduction. you only wanted a name to match the face but he gave you much more. you didn't mind though, he seemed like a fun person.

"hi, doll, i'm bucky. don't listen to eagle right here, i do not steal snacks. i simply let people have a taste of their own medicine. you steal my snacks, wilson, i steal 'em back. you think i don't know you stole my oreos too last month? that's why i stole your damn chips last week,"

"so you did steal them!"

"so what if i did?! you stole my oreos first!"

"oh my god, guys, you're really embarrassing me in front of y/n. these are really the people i was excited to introduce her to," nat face-palmed and you couldn't help but laugh. "don't worry nat, these people seem amazing. i can't wait to get to know them better." you assured her and she smiles, pulling you close to her. "buckle up, sugar, because living with the avengers is gonna be a wild ride."

you were excited for what was about to come. it seemed like everything was finally falling into place. you finally got nat back and you didn't have to worry about losing her again because you had a feeling these people weren't going to let that happen.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky @marauvdersfate @bestillmystuckyheart

[kimsaena88]

It didn’t take long for me to become aware of how scary social media can be after I first sought out to learn more about BTS. I learned pretty quickly that the anti rhetoric was just as present inside ARMY as it was outside the fandom. Growing up, I was always aware of the nastiness exhibited by the netizens in Korea, from “fans” to the general public alike. From harmful rumors, insults, and death threats, I had known of the vulgarity of these netizens pretty early on. As a result, even being stateside, I had always kept my social media exposure to a minimum, fearing how it would affect me as a person, let alone a fan. However, BTS brought out a sense of comfort and confidence I hadn’t felt before, and I really wanted to connect with other fans. I wanted to learn all I could about BTS, and I thought that there would be no better way than to expand my mind, and explore what ARMY was all about. Unfortunately, my fears have been proven right, time and time again since becoming an ARMY.

Just when I think things can’t get any worse, they always do. I always fool myself into believing that I have become desensitized to the hate and negativity, and I end up being more disappointed than I already was. To start with, not even 24 hours ago, V was made aware on Weverse of an offensive and impertinent Youtuber who makes defamation videos against him and those he cares about. He was rightfully upset, and made it clear that he was not going to stand by and let it slide. V didn’t beat around the bush, and not only did he strongly denounce this type of disrespectful behavior, he made sure it was understood that there would and should be consequences.

Needless to say, I was proud of him for speaking up, as long overdue as it was. It really made me wonder just how much the members of BTS have seen of this type of unacceptable behavior, but have bit their tongues in hopes of keeping things from boiling over. I have to say, though, that I’m not surprised it ended up being V to lay down the gauntlet, and say what needed to be said. He’s addressed the crazies and their nasty behavior before, albeit his words often go unheeded by those who need to hear it most. V is a very outspoken person, so it always amazes me that so many who claim to be his “fans,” or ARMY, choose to ignore his concerns completely, and put words into his mouth. After today, I really hope antis and “fans” think twice about their behavior, but I’m not holding my breath. The Youtuber in question has already mocked V on SNS, so we’re already off to a bad start.

Over the last week or so, I couldn’t help but notice how solo stans and the fake ARMYs have become just as brazen as the BTS antis. I know I shouldn’t be shocked by it, but it still disappoints me whenever I see “fans” compare the talents and achievements of the members, degrading and insulting the member or members they hate and feel are inferior to their bias. Just the other day, Jin solos and JM solos were at each other’s throats, hurling insults and resorting to low blows in order to elevate their favorite above the other. It was equally embarrassing and sad to witness. How can these people sleep at night with all of that hate and spite in their hearts, infecting their minds to speak with malicious intent? I just don’t get it.

Seriously, how can any of them call themselves “fans”? They are obviously not ARMY. If you feel the need to tear down other BTS members, negate their talents and achievements, and run with false narratives, YOU ARE NOT ARMY! Sad thing is, a lot of these individuals will outright admit that they are solos. It truly is disturbing. But those I am more unsettled by are those who claim to be ARMY, but are so hellbent on berating, degrading, and destroying one or two members, for whatever their baseless reasoning is. Just like solos, many of these fake ARMY will unashamedly admit that they are OT6ers (etc.), while parading themselves around as “real” ARMY. I’ve noticed a trend with these types of fake fans. They act like they know EVERYTHING about each member of BTS, as well as their company, and even their friends and families. It’s truly disturbing and sickening that these unhinged people are a part of our fandom, and they seem to either be growing in number or are simply no longer ashamed in being honest about their views.

Any “fan” who exhibits this type of behavior, and resorts to degradation, insults, and false narratives needs to understand that they are more of a hindrance to their bias(es) than they are a support. As a “fan,” if you must always negate everything, and resort to hate, threats, and malicious rhetoric, and rely on unsupported claims, odds are you are wrong or misguided. How many times does V have to say, “Please love all 7 of us,” before it actually penetrates your thick skull? How much more love and respect do the boys need to show each other before you can do the same? It’s not about what you want or think. None of us have a say in what they do, what they think, or what they feel. It is not your life, your relationships, or your career. Either be a true ARMY, and respect them as fellow humans, or see your way out. BTS does not have time for your shit. Nor does ARMY. It’s already bad enough that BTS gets slandered by antis and other fandoms; why do you need to add to it? Do you not have anything better to do?

If your attachment to BTS revolves around spreading hate and your insecure opinions of them, you are wasting everyone’s time, including your own. BTS’s message has always been one against misjudgment, ignorance, and bullying, so if you can’t and won’t follow their lead, what are you trying to achieve or gain? Have you already forgotten their work with UNICEF to end bullying and violence, and to encourage acts of kindness? Honestly, it really doesn’t make any logical sense to be a “fan” of BTS while bullying and belittling other fans and/or BTS members. Whenever I see this garbage, I swear I can almost hear my eyes rolling from how stupid these people are. How can anyone be so incompetent and hypocritical?

I really do worry that things are just going to continue to go downhill with all of this absurd nonsense. It’s all completely unnecessary and avoidable, but it just seems there is no end in sight. I’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan. At this rate, it won’t be long before these “fans” get a rude awakening from BTS themselves. V’s already gotten that ball rolling. Maybe one day soon ARMY will finally be purged of all the toxicity that’s been poisoning our fandom. Good riddance.

[viking-raider]

Southern Generation - Part II

Summary: Working for Lily is going well for Sy, but he wants her to meet a special lady in his life, and manages to get her out of the house.

Pairing: Syverson/OFC

Word Count: 5,698

Rating: PG - Language, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Angst

Inspiration: An old fic I wrote and wanting to write a Sy fic.

Author’s Note: Thank you to @wondersofdreaming​

“You've been getting here more early than usual.” Lily commented, handing Sy his usual morning coffee as he arrived on the property. “You fly here like Superman or something?”

She teased him as she sat down on the brand new porch swing that Sy had built with the scrap lumber from the porch and siding.

Sy laughed and leaned back against the porch railing. “No, I've been staying at the Sunway Motel in Celina.” He confessed, crossing his ankles. “I've been too tired to drive back to Austin most days, I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel or anything. So, I've been crashing there to keep it safe, and it just makes getting back here a sight easier, than a three-hour drive.” He told her, shaking his head.

“One-way.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lily frowned, offended to hear it.

“Well, I don't want you paying that out of your pocket.” He replied, frowning back at her. “It's not a big deal for me.”

“I do technically pay you to stay there, Sy.” Lily answered, shaking her head at him.

“True.” He nodded, staring at the tips of his boots. “But, I also have a Military paycheck.” He informed her. “Again,” He sighed, pressing his lips together. “I didn't want you paying for something I can pay myself. You buy enough things as is.”

“Well, I would have offered to pay for it.” She started, folding her legs. “But, I also would have offered you one of my guest rooms.”

Sy blinked at her, he hadn't expected that from her, it seemed a bit toward. That thought made him paused, blinking at himself. Did Austin 'Fuck and eat you out til you can't walk' Syverson just have an abstinent thought.

Holy fuck, I did! He thought, staring at her.

And it wasn't because Sy wasn't attracted to her, because he very much was.

She was a beautiful young lady. The way her eyes lit up, every time she smiled, even when she was being shy. She came just to his shoulder. Her hair looks so silk and soft, that it took everything in Sy's power not to reach out and caress his fingers through it to find out just how pillow-y soft it was. She was dainty, but had curves in all the right places, for Sy to hold onto her. He bit the inside corner of his lip, thinking about gripping those hips of hers and kneading them in his big mitts, to rub up against that plump, heart shaped ass, to grab or bury his face in those matching breasts.

Sy cleared his throat and took a deep gulp of his cooling coffee, praying his growing erection wasn't too obvious to her.

What a way to ruin it, Syverson. He berated himself, trying to rein himself back in.

“Anyway,” She said, breaking the silence and getting up off the swing. “The offer stands, if you want it.” She told him, and went back inside.

He stayed there long after she had gone upstairs to her office to start her own workday, even after his coffee cup was empty. He turned around, setting the empty cup on the railing and watched the sun slowly climb higher into the sky, before sighing and getting back to work, siding the back portion of the house; thinking he might start working on the roof next. Since Spring was due soon and the weatherman said it would be a cold and rainy one.

“I'm going to be late tomorrow.” Sy said, that afternoon.

“Okay.” Lily smiled, taking up his empty lunch plate and turned towards the sink. “Everything okay?” She asked, turning the faucet on to do them and the ones from breakfast.

“Everything's great.” Sy smiled, leaning back in his chair and grinning.

“I've never seen you smile so big, since we met.” She teased him, chuckling.

“I made a friend in Baghdad.” He explained, giddy. “She's finally over here in the States, so I need to pick her up at the airport.” He was excited about getting Aika again, even more so for Lily to meet her.

“I want you to meet her.” He added.

Lily's stomach clenched hearing him talk about whoever she was, a bit down to find out he apparently had someone special in his life. “I look forward to it.” She said, focusing on the plate in her hand.

“Great!” He beamed, getting up from the table. “I'm sure the two of you will be two peas in a pod!” He said, heading out the back door to finish his work.

“Totally.” Lily sighed, frowning to herself.

The next day, Lily was a complete wreck about meeting Sy's friend.

She had tossed and turned all night, barely getting any sleep as she kept thinking about the meet. She knew the woman was going to be gorgeous, why wouldn't she be, if Sy had been so excited about her being in the States and she was able to capture the attention of his ocean blues. Eventually, Lily got out of bed, tired of not finding a comfortable position and peace of mind to fall asleep. Besides, knowing her luck, she'd be subjected to dreaming about meeting the lady and all her, super model glory.

So, she padded down to her office and flipped on her computer, deciding to get her day started early and finish the few projects she had going on with a couple of clients. But, not even that helped her forget about the situation, if anything it made it worse, her leg impatiently bouncing to the tune of her agitation and self-pity. Running a hand through her hair for the hundredth time, before putting it back up, yet again, she huffed and stood up, pacing the floor of her office, from the window to the door, and back, biting her fingernails and mumbling to herself.

“Why would you even have the remotest chance with a guy like Austin Syverson?” She berated herself, yet again. “Good lord, look at the man! He's an actual man and you've never even kissed a boy. He's the whole package and you're just full of baggage. This is definition of friend zoned, and you bloody well know it!”

Sy had driven back to Austin after leaving Lily's place the night before. He was so excited to retrieve Aika from quarantine. It felt like an age since they last saw each other, but not as long as it might have felt, if he hadn't had Lily for company and the work on the farm to do, day in and day out.

“Fuck,” He huffed, drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel. “I really hope the two of them get along.” He mumbled to himself, fidgeting in his seat. “Maybe, I should have told her about Aika. What if she's allergic to dogs, or doesn't even like them?” He questioned, suddenly doubting himself. “I know she likes horses, but a dog isn't a horse, and the horse isn't on her property.” He glanced at his mobile phone in the passenger seat, questioning if he should just call Lily and tell her he's bringing his dog to the farm, for her to meet.

“No.” Sy shook his head, brushing it off. “It'll be fine. This will be great! They'll get along perfectly and it'll be a happily ever after.” He nodded, pushing himself to be positive as he pulled into the facility to pick Aika up. “Captain Austin Syverson, here for my dog, Aika.” He told the lady at the front desk, then signed the release paperwork, while they brought her out to him.

“Hey, girl!” Sy called, as Aika charged for him. “Oh, I've missed you so much, bug!” He said, rubbing her erect ears and scratched down her back, making her back leg go wild. “I've got someone special I want you to meet.” He said, getting the German Shepherd into his truck. “You're going to love her.” He smiled at Aika, who licked his scruffy cheek.

“And she's probably going to spoil you rotten.” He chuckled, pulling out of the parking space.

“Oh shit.”

Lily gulped seeing the kicked up dust cloud on the driveway, as Sy's truck approached the house and felt her heart stop, knowing at any moment, she would be meeting his special lady in a matter of minutes. She had been trying all morning to put on a brave and supportive face, not wanting to make herself look like a fool in front of them. “I can't do this.” She gulped, running into the bathroom upstairs and vomited into the bowel several times, before quickly brushing and rinsing her mouth out.

“Afternoon, Lily!” Sy yelled, getting out and giving her a wave as she stepped out onto the porch, he was positively beaming. “You ready to meet her?” He asked, gripping the handle of the passenger door.

“Yep!” She called back, forcing a smile. “As I can be.” She mumbled under her breath as Sy opened the door.

A bark filled the humid air and a big German Shepherd jumped out of the truck, jumping on Sy a few times, before noticing Lily and bee-lining for her.

“Oh.” Lily gasped, surprised that Sy's special lady, was a dog. “Hey.” She grinned at Aika, bracing herself has Aika put her paws on her chest. “Aren't you a beauty.” She said, scratching her erect ears and relieved beyond all belief.

“See, I told you the two of you would get along.” Sy said, stepping up on the porch, relieved as well.

“That you did.” Lily agreed. “What's her name?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Aika.” He replied, scratching Aika all over. “I found her as a stray during my last deployment, she was just a pup. So, I took her in and took care of her. She's been stuck in Quarantine since before I got back, and they just released her today.” He explained as Aika bolted off the porch and zoomed around the front yard.

“You don't mind me having her here, do you?” He asked, biting the corner of his lip.

“Are you kidding?” Lily laughed, watching Aika disappear in the tall grass. “She's more than welcomed here.” She assured him, with a sweet smile. “Any time.”

“She's not really used to grass.” Sy laughed, as Aika attempted to pee on every blade she could. “You might get a few holes as well.” He added, knowing the Shepherd's like to dig.

“Please, I doubt anyone will notice.” Lily giggled, looking around the neglected yard.

Sy went to work on his latest project on the property and Aika spent most of the day running around the land, investigating what Sy was up to or lounging on the floor in Lily's office upstairs. Lily sighed and rubbed her face as the phone downstairs in the kitchen rang. She pushed back in her office chair and carefully stepped over Aika, to pad down the small set of stairs that led directly into the kitchen from the upstairs.

“Hello?” She chimed, pressing the receiver to her ear with her shoulder, waving at Sy as he passed the kitchen window and rounded the side of the house, then frowned, when no one answered her greeting. “Hello?” She repeated, a little bit louder. “Are you there?” She asked, checking to make sure the call was connected properly.

“What's wrong?” Sy frowned, stepping into the kitchen as the receiver fell to the floor at their feet.

“Nothing.” She squeaked, quickly bending to pick it up. “Just being clumsy.” She told him, hanging the phone up.

“Well, who was it?” He asked, tilting his head at her strange behavior.

“I don't know.” She replied, shrugging her shoulders and ran a hand through her hair, not turning around to look at him. “They never said anything. Must have been a wrong number or something.” She told him, heart thundering in her chest. “I need to finish my work.” She said, then rushed upstairs, leaving Sy staring up after her.

“I talked to your neighbor, Billie Marlowe.” Sy said, tugging a cloth out of his back pocket and wiped his face and head with it.

“Oh?” Lily replied, stirring a bit of honey into her tea.

“Yeah, he said, his daughter, Skylar, would be competing in a barrel racing competition this Sunday, in Dallas.” He told her, studying her carefully. “I was wondering, if you had thought about, maybe, going with me?” He asked, licking his lips.

Lily froze, the container of liquid creamer hovering over her steaming cup as she stared across the table at him, eyes wide. “I-”

“Oh, come on.” Sy pressed, brow creasing. “It's my treat. I'll drive and everything. It'll do you some good to leave the house.” He tried coaxing her. “Just for an hour or two.”

Lily continued to stare at Sy, her hand growing sweaty around the plastic container, before she set it down, her shoulders slumping as she did. “All right. Only for a few hours, then we come back. I have a deadline.”

Sy burst into a grin, his blue eyes bright. “Great.” He said, rubbing his hands together. “It doesn't start until eight and her competition doesn't start until eight-thirty. So, we'll have plenty of time.” He told her, excited to go to the fair with her.

Three days later, Sy got Lily in the car and they drove forty-five minutes from Celina to Dallas. The first few minutes in the car was quiet, until Luna's nerves got the best of her.

“When was the last time you went to a fair?” She asked, looking at him.

“Oh, man.” Sy huffed, frowning out the windshield as he considered it. “I think I was sixteen, it was an end of the year thing for my Junior year at high school. I didn't go to my Senior one, since I was getting ready for basic training.” He told her.

“What about you?” He asked, glancing at her.

“Never.”

“You've never been to one?” Sy snapped, shocked.

“Nope.” She shook her head at him.

“Not even for school?”

“I was home schooled.” She explained. “My dad thought they were a suck and waste of money.”

“That's the point.” Sy laughed, shaking his head. “Wasting money on artery clogging food and probably unsafe rides. It's a rush, but mostly from all the sugar.” He grinned at her, amused.

“You'll love it, I swear.”

“I'll take your word for it, Captain.” Lily smiled back, hoping he didn't see how freaked out she was.

They finally reached the fair grounds and a place to park, Sy got them all access bracelets, so giddy as they entered the fair grounds. Lily took several deep breaths as the crowd around them thickened and stuck close to Sy. She really didn't want to ruin Sy's fun at the fair, he had been jabbering about it since she agreed to go with him, telling her about the all fun rides and food. He was like a little boy, reliving his first fair experience, and she knew it had been over ten years since he had been to one. So, she put on a brave face and tried to smile, every time he glanced at her.

Which was every few seconds.

Sy and Lily got on several rides to kill the half hour until the barrel-racing competition started under one of the big tents set up in the huge field. She rather enjoyed the Ferris wheel, just her and Sy in one seat, spaced out from everyone else on the ride. She did think she was going to throw up on the sudden drop ride, but managed to keep it down, making Sy laugh at her as he saw her face from the corner of his eye as the two of them got off the ride.

“You all right?” He chuckled, resting his hand on the small of her back.

“I think, my stomach is somewhere between my brain and my toes.” She chuckled, despite herself.

“It'll even out again.” Sy laughed with her, rubbing her back.

“Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls,” the fair announcer came over the intercom system throughout the fair. “The Barrel-Racing Competition is due to start in ten minutes, in tent number six! So, find your seats now!” He informed the herd of fair-goers.

“Oh, we should head out that way.” Sy said, pulling out the little fair map and directed them towards the tent. “Why don't you find us a place to sit and I'll go get us something to munch and sip on.” He told her, at the tent's entrance.

“Sy..”

“It'll take two minutes.” He told her, squeezing her shoulder, then disappearing into the crowd that was trying to funnel into the tent.

“Fuck, Austin.” Lily gulped, starting to tremble as she turned into the tent and looked for somewhere to sit, before finding a place in the second row, near the exit.

Sy weaved around the countless people in the main walkway of the fair, before spotting a food vendor with something he thought Lily would love to try out and headed that direction, to standing in line. He was only in the line for a moment, when he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see who it was, breaking out into a smile.

“Mr. Marlowe.” He greeted the farmer, sticking his hand out to the other man.

“Please, just call me Billie.” Marlowe replied, smiling up at Sy and shook his hand.

“Sy.” Sy answered. “You must be excited to see your little girl compete.” He said, as they stood side by side and progressed through the line.

“That I am.” Billie beamed, like the proud papa he was. “I am surprised at you though.” He added, pulling off his John Deere hat, ran his hand through his short, salt and pepper hair, and rubbed the over-tanned skin of his neck.

“Why's that?” Sy frowned, shaking his head.

“I saw Ms. Lily with you.” Billie replied as they got to the counter. “My farm has been in my family for four generations. I knew the couple that lived at Ms. Lily's place, when I was a lad. They passed away and their kids didn't want to be farmers, so they sold the place and Ms. Lily bought it a few years back. In that time, I have never seen her leave the property. The closest I've ever seen was when she fetches the mail, and she does that in a jiffy.” He laughed, stepping up to one of the two cashiers, while Sy went to the other.

“What do you mean?” Sy frowned, then gave the cashier an order for two elephant ears, a coke for himself and a Dr. Pepper for Lily.

“Oh.” Billie frowned, realizing Sy had no clue.

“'Oh', what?” Sy pressed, annoyed.

“You don't know about Ms. Lily being Agoraphobic?” Billie asked slowly, blinking at Sy with a shocked look. “I thought you knew. Practically everyone in Celina knows about it. My boy, Travis, who works at the Celina supermarket, even gets her groceries for her and delivers them, and everything.”

Sy floundered, his mouth opening and closing for a moment. “I didn't.” He sighed, clearing his throat. “I just thought she was a home-body.” He said, shaking his head. “Well, I suppose she is a home-body, it's just a bit more complicated than that.”

He felt silly, all of the signs were there, right in front of his oblivious face. He had never seen her leave the property in the weeks he was there working. She was always, either, in the house or on the porch, the furthest from the house he had ever seen her was the mailbox. She got clearly anxious about any mention of leaving to go anywhere, and her car hadn't moved since the first time he saw it in the dirt driveway. Everything made so much sense to him now, with the sudden realization he had left her, alone, in a tent full of complete strangers.

“Shit!” He barked, taking the food and drinks and rushing back to the tent. “Are you okay?” He asked, as soon as he found her in the crowded stands.

“Other than starving, I'm all right.” She replied, looking up at him.

“You're sure?” He asked and sat down beside her, he could see the tremble in her shoulders. “You're shaking.” He pointed out, his brow creasing with concern.

Why did I push her into this! He berated himself mentally.

“I'm just cold.” She frowned back, which wasn't a complete lie, it was rather nippy out and she had left her jacket in the truck.

“Oh.” Sy gulped at her, setting their snacks down on the empty bench in front of them and peeled off his Five Finger Death Punch hoodie. “Here.” He said, handing her the toasty warm garment.

“Thanks.” She blushed, pulling it on.

The comforting warmth of the fabric settled around her, wrapping her up in Sy's scent of dark vanilla, the fresh cut pine boards he had been working with, fresh air and patchouli, from his beard oil. The tremor vibrating through her body instantly subsided as she huddled herself up inside Sy's hoodie, suddenly feeling safe, safer than she had ever felt in her life before, the murmur of the crowd vanished and everyone melted away, but Sy.

Sy smiled at her, watching as she stopped shaking. “Are you still hungry?” He asked her, picking up the heavy paper plate with the lumpy and sweet pastry dough on it, covered in butter, cinnamon and brown sugar.

“What in the world is that?” She frowned down at it.

“It's called an Elephant Ear.” He chuckled, letting her take the plate from him and picked up his own. “It's delicious.”

“It's as big as one!” She chuckled, balancing it in her lap and pushed up the oversized sleeves of Sy's hoodie, not wanting to get it messy as she tore a piece of the dough off and popped it into her mouth. “Mmm.” She melted, licking her coated lips. “That is sinful.” She moaned, smiling over at Sy, who simply folded his and took a massive bite out of it.

“I told you!” He mumbled around his mouthful, grinning ear to ear.

“I might have to learn how to make these.” Lily said, tearing off a bigger piece and licked her fingers clean of the cinnamon and sugar combination.

“Oh, don't threaten to spoil a man!” Sy laughed, gently touching his shoulder to hers.

“Hey, here she is!” Lily called out, pointing to the girl entering the center of the tent atop a horse. “They look so good together!” She grinned, beaming with her own dose of pride in Skylar and Juniper.

Lily lifted her hand and waved as Skylar looked out over the crowd, she spotted Lily and waved back at her, smiling. Skylar got herself and Juniper into position, taking deep breaths to try and settle her jittery nerves and focus on her task ahead. Skylar was given the signal and she was off, speeding as fast as she and Juniper could go towards the first barrel in front of them. Lily scooted towards the edge of her seat, her half eaten elephant ear forgotten in her excitement. Skylar seemingly sailed through the cloverleaf pattern she had to make around the barrels and back to her mark.

The crowd clapped as she went out, letting the next rider and their horse take their turn at the competition. Lily finished off her elephant ear and sipped at her Dr. Pepper, eyes glued to the beautiful horses and focused riders as they went around and around the barrels, kicking up dirt as they went.

“I really hope she wins.” Lily said, looking at Sy, only to realize he had been watching her the whole time, and not the racers. “What?” She squeaked, eyes wide. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No.” He smiled back, then chuckled. “Well..” He picked up the paper napkin he was given with the elephant ears and gently brushed off a line of brown sugar and cinnamon that Lily had on her cheek. “Just a little sugar.” He told her, softly.

“But, other than that, you're...” He paused for a moment. “Perfect.” He whispered, breathlessly.

Lily gulped and her cheeks warmed, biting the inside of her lip and fidgeted inside Sy's hoodie. “Thank you.” She mumbled back. “For the..” She motioned to her cheek, shyly.

“Of course.” Sy nodded, a tender smile on his lips. “But, I hope she wins too.” He added, turning back to the event.

“All right everybody, it's time to announce the winners for first, second and third place!” The announcer said, standing in the middle of the racing area, a microphone in his hand and a big cowboy hat on his head, as his boots shined with their spurs.

Lily crossed her fingers, making Sy chuckle at her.

“In third place is,” the announcer said, lifting a clipboard he was holding. “Paige Whitley with thirty-four seconds!”

The crowd clapped and whistled as the girl came up and took her ribbon for third place, then stood to one side of the announcer.

“In second place is, Ainsley Ortega with twenty-eight seconds!”

Another round of claps, whistling and yells from the crowd as she took her place beside Paige. There was a moment of pause and the suspense was starting to drive Lily stir crazy as they waited for him to announce the first place winner.

“and the first place winner of the Dallas Heritage Fair is,” He paused for a dramatic affect. “Skylar Marlowe with twenty-one seconds!”

“Yes!” Lily shouted, her arms flying up as she bounced in her seat, overjoyed. “She did it, Sy.” She grinned at him, throwing her arms around his neck, in her moment of overzealous excitement, forgetting herself.

“She did.” Sy grinned, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her back.

He unconsciously turned his face into her hair and took a deep breath, smelling her Lavender and Rosemary shampoo in it. They stayed like that, in a timeless bubble, before they recalled themselves and pulled apart again.

“I'm sorry, I was excited.” Lily blushed, brushing her hair behind her ear.

“Same.” Sy replied, clearing his throat. “I should get you back home now, it's been two hours.” He said, picking up their empty plates, napkins and soda cans, standing.

“I-” Lily froze, watching him dump them into a trash bin nearby. “I don't—mind—staying another hour, if you're not.” She told him, a hard lump in her throat. “I mean, there's so much of the fair I haven't seen, since it's my first time, and you spent a pretty penny on our access bracelets.” She said, lifting her arm, the sleeve of his hoodie slipped down her arm, revealing her red bracelet.

“Be rude and a shame to waste it, don't you think?” She asked, staring at him, shyly.

Sy studied her for a moment, weighing what he knew of her now, but she looked and seemed all right, for the most part, just her usual shy and withdrawn self. “If you want too, Lily. Then, I'm more than all right with staying and showing you the rest of the booths.” He said, his voice soft and—protective.

“I would like that.”

Sy smiled at her, gently, then offered her his arm, which she took. He escorted them out of the tent, with the rest of the fair-goers. Sy took her around the fair ground, stopping at booths that Lily showed interest in. He paused at one booth, seeing all the stuffed animals that were hanging around it and pressed his lips together, before glancing at her and deciding to give it a shot, wanting to win something for her, so when she saw it, she'd remember the fun she had at the fair; and think of him.

It was a shooting game booth, giving the player a minute to hit as many targets as they could, each target was worth a certain amount of points and moved quickly. But, Sy wasn't at all worried, this was his element, his military career made something like this easy. So, he took up the bee-bee rifle that the booth runner gave him, slotted it against his shoulder and held it through pure muscle memory. He patiently waited for the signal for him to start, watching the painted metal targets move on their tracks.

“Ready!” the booth runner called, standing to the side. “Set! Go!”

Sy's body instantly tensed and he started firing, his movement was sharp, quick and calculated, hips and shoulders pivoting as he hit each of the targets, only missing two in the full minute he had. Lily stood beside him, fully impressed by his skill.

“Seven hundred and forty-nine points.” the booth runner read off the scoreboard at the back of the booth. “That's the highest score yet!” He said, impressed himself. “You have a pick of whatever you want, sir.” He told Sy, motioning around to the stuffed animals, some were super teeny, while others were nearly Lily's size.

Sy surveyed the selection of stuffed animals, before a certain one caught his attention and smiled at it, it was perfect for why he wanted it. “That's the one.” He said, pointing out the medium sized, curly furred and light tan, teddy bear.

“A perfect choice, sir.” the booth runner praised him, taking it down and handing it over to Sy.

“Here.” Sy smiled, turning and holding it out to Lily. “He's for you.” He told her, gently, as his heart thundered in his chest.

Lily slowly took the bear from him, it was silk soft and plush, it felt nice under her hands, making her instantly smile as she stared down at it. She was touched that Sy had gone through the trouble of winning the game to get her a prize, no one had ever done something so kind, sweet and thoughtful for her before, it made her a bit emotional.

“Thank you.” She whispered, hugging it to her chest and looked up at Sy. “I love it.” She assured him, seeing the concern in his blue eyes that she wouldn't.

“Good.” He beamed, his heart still thundering, but it felt light and hopeful. “I'm glad.”

It was nearly dark by the time Lily and Sy finished their tour of the fair grounds and headed back to the house. Lily convinced Sy to stay for dinner before he headed back home, wanting to thank him in someway for taking her to the fair and showing her such a good time, something she hadn't had in as long as she could remember.

“Your cooking never fails to amaze me.” Sy chuckled, popping the last bit of his biscuit into his mouth. “It's the definition of a great home cooked meal.” He praised her, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his lean tummy through the fabric of his shirt.

“Well, you have the appetite of a Viking.” She giggled back, blushing at her plate.

Sy laughed again, his own bearded cheeks coloring. “True enough.” He agreed, smiling brightly at her.

“Thank you for taking me today.” Lily said, speaking softly. “I really did have a lot of fun.” She confessed, shyly twisting her napkin in her hands, and thinking of the teddy bear that now took up a prized spot on her bed, upstairs.

“I did too, I'm glad you agreed to go with me.” Sy nodded, tilting his head at her. “Did us both a great deal of good to get out and do something fun.”

“I should let you take off, before it gets too late.” She answered, after a brief moment of silence. “I know it's a long drive.”

Sy cleared his throat, biting the inside of his lip, he didn’t want to bring up staying at the motel down in Celina, so the drive was easier to make and gave him more hours in the day to work on the seemingly endless list of projects that needed to be done, to get the farm back into running order, again. He didn’t want them to argue after such an amazing day.

But, he knew she was right.

“Thanks for dinner.” He said, taking his plate to the sink, wanting a reason to linger a second longer. “Good night, Ms. Lily.” He smiled at her, as they stepped out onto the porch. “I'll see you in the morning.”

“I'll be here, with coffee and breakfast waiting, as always.” She replied, standing barefoot on the smooth and solid board of the porch.

He chuckled, bidding her good night again and got into his truck. As he drove to the motel, he recalled all the smiles she had given him throughout the day and the sound of her victorious laugh, when she beat him at the ring toss game, but sweetly gave him the bracelet she won, making him glance at the macrame, blue and gold turquoise beads weaved with black thread and tied with a slip knot, that hugged his thick wrist. His skin tingled as it remembered the gentle touch of her dainty fingers as she slipped it over his hand to his wrist and tugged it secure.

Sy wasn't a jewelry person, other than his watch and his dog-tags, but for as long as he lived, he vowed to never take that bracelet off.