#I started the job back this semester
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HELL WORLD
#nonsense#I needed to express this#haha funny story#I think I ended up starting 2al because I was unemployed and had nothing better to do outside college#I started the job back this semester#but oh no..... that + college is so time consuming!!!!#that and its midterms#o7#college takes my weekdays#job takes my weekends#I HAVE NO MORE FREE DAYS!!!#all my days I have... something
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atsushi starts taking some college classes and meets some friends and one turns out to be one of kunikidas former students
#atsushi notices the kid solves a problem the same way kunikida taught him too and is like#oh that looks familiar#the reveal comes farther in the semester when they get to talking more about atsushis job and coworkers#they trade funny kunikida stories#kunikida feels a disturbance in the force back at the office#i want to add more college!atsushi idea later but this one is just really fun to me to start#bsd#bsd atsushi#nakajima atsushi#bsd atsushi nakajima#kunikida doppo#bungou stray dogs kunikida#kunikida bsd#bsd au#bsd headcanons#karmic’s thoughts
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Passed my NREMT exam! I’m now a certified EMT :)
#I thought I failed it so bad like I literally walked out looking up retest fees#but now I can theoretically start my EMT job#will probably push back the start date though lol my course load this semester is killing me#me irl
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...
#the other day i was talking to my dad and he said im at a crossroads in my life except its an intersection of many different roads#and i have no idea which one to take. but because the semester is starting tomorrow it feela more like im standing at the edge of a cliff#waiting for the ground to crumble out from under me. not sure what im gonna tell my PI when i see him monday bc i feel like ive got one foot#out the door. its just hard when you dont know what to do or which direction to go or what opportunities you'll even get#and if i say goodbye to this program im probably saying goodbye to astr0biology. and if i dont go back to my old boss im probably saying#goodbye to microbial ecology. and if i say goodbye to those things i might be saying goodbye to a job where im passionate abt what i do#in exchange for being less insane and being paid an actual salary lol#its just frustrating and it makes me even more twisted up inside bc im teaching this semester and im like#how do i put passion into this when i#when all i feel is frustration and uncertainty. i dont even want to go into my office. when i left i couldnt sit in there without crying#but we'll see. too late to back out now. unless i have a breakdown halfway through#unrelated
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While I genuinely hate reading ebooks on a computer screen, this weeks Stealing Time activity at work is reading on the clock courtesy of my county library system 🤓
#just one more week and this summer semester is over and I can go back to being normal#and doing my job I promise#anyway! I have tales from earthsea physically but outside lunch I’ve been reading that#and also started Carmilla today and find it surprisingly brisk for a 19th century novel#also I’m not precious about physical books it’s that monitors and iPhones cause serious eye strain#and a kindle doesn’t help for stealing time lol but they look like they’d fix my issues
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I know I spent the last month of my last semester crying and complaining about it like a little baby but I'm *SO* happy to go back to uni tomorrow :)
#this semester i'm gonna make sure not to start a new job during my midterm/finals that's probably gonna help lol#i'm less happy about redoing medieval philosophy but oh well it is what it is#i didn't even disliked the class per say i just went to the exams and realized i had litterally not understood a single thing lmao#i actually found a tutor tho so that should help a lot#but yeah i'm really happy to go back to school
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let anxiety get the best of me👍🏽
#canceled interview last minute. to be fair i was wildly unprepared and also not sure i was even gonna be able to take the job#i need to stop setting myself up for failure and actually make a feasible plan for how ill go about the future events in my life#i've been so all over the place since this semester started idk what's wrong with me#shut up hanna#fuck okay he already emailed back and wants to reschedule. ok gonna actually prepare this time
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rachel from work making a crazy play for favorite coworker… if she leaves me i’ll kill myself btw
#if they do fill the position i had before taking my new one and they ask me who should do it i’m literally saying her….#but she might leave in january i think she’s going back to college for the spring semester. unless she decides to do a full gap year….#actually. EYE need to leave in january. someone needs to give me a real job. no applying please <3#i guess though a management position will look pretty dope on my resume when i do actually pussy up and start applying. at least
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So busy with Sparkstember that I almost forgot that I go back to school on tuesday
#honestly maybe it's better this way. i'd rather just not care at all rather than be super stressed about it#just like i've been doing with every little thing for most of my life#might have missed the date when we were supposed to choose our elective courses. well whatever Lol#and i still don't even know what my schedule is or what classes i have this semester oopsie#well the university itself doesn't seem particularly pressed about giving us the schedule either#but i'd probably better still read up on the classes at least before they start#i don't have high hopes for this year just like with the last. probably should just stop pretending that i still want to study anything atp#this wasn't even my first choice of a course bcs i had to prepare for that damn exam to be accepted for my preffered one#but i couldn't be bothered to study for it again which probably should have told me enough abt whether going into this again is a good idea#i'm so tired just thinking about it but i know that actually looking for a job and then having a job will be a thousand times worse so uh#but at least i'd have my own money and start doing something ughhhh. useful maybe. who knows what it will be though#i have no ideaaaaaa. but this feels like just putting off the inevitable. like at some point i need to get my shit together#i will probably report at the end of the next week about how i'm so done already#i don't really knowwww mannnnnm. i don't feel like i had any vacation at all even though 3 months have already passed#and i also sort of didn't prepare something relatively easy to do that would have given me an actual document#that would confirm that i actually finished that part-time school thing last semester#can't really be bothered to come back to it at this point though#well at least i learned something actually useful and interesting from that and that's enough for me tbh#and a lot of it is also relevant to my current area of interest (digital drawing and computer graphics in general)#well speaking of which i'd better just get back to drawing now lol. just one more left to finish!!!#in short i guess that my new way of dealing with stress is just ignoring it all#well it's worked in some way at least so it can't be an entirely bad thing lol#goosepost
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
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In my money era
#did comms and random help for family and surveys and got PAID :3#i get my job back as soon as semester starts toooo :)
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peace and love on earth <3
#okay the leech is gone and i took some time to sit outside#it's a very pool water summer day and that makes me feel nostalgic and okay#very 'summer of 8th grade when my biggest concerns were drawing new characters and looking at cool stuff on DA'#i'm going to try to record more and maybe then play more games to relax before i have to head to a meeting with my boss#i will say this much:#in spite of the on and off stress and occasional acidic brain pain#i think the fact that i finally started watching movies and playing games again is a sign that this semester off was good for me#because before this i'd limited myself to m a y b e one or two rounds of pmd dungeon crawling and that was it#back to working on either job things / school things / or personal deadline things#it feels good to attend to my whims and go through natural cycles of creating and recharging#instead of pressuring myself constantly to just make make make#to make up for the fact that my ADHD makes it difficult to stay with anything for long (and thus i had little to show for my work)#anyway w#time to record w
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I really need to quit, the thought of going to work makes me feel sick
#auuugh#i just keep thinking that if i quit i can never go back to that Joanne's ever again. and i like getting yarn there. and the employee-#-discout is %30 off. and thats really fucking good#but retail is so draining. i have not felt well rested since i started working there#ive been so busy for what feels like so long. my weekly schedule is work. school. work. school. school. school. dnd :]#i have. 0 free days. i only look forward to dnd#if i stay with this job. till next semester. i am going to give myself an off day
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late last night, I figured out how to compile my scrivener drafts to epubs (finally)
it is. immensely surreal to see your own work show up like a book in your ereader for the first time, let me tell you that.
#and then rarae says#I've gone mad with power cutting certain chapters of Vol. I in new places and swapping them around#the thing about writing this for people who aren't your nice friends on your tumblr is figuring out how much context is needed#and where they're willing to just Go With It#...ngl there is the teeniest tiniest part of me that was thinking about putting up. like. a Director's Cut on itch or smth#bc I am about to be so broke next semester#but then that fucks up publication options down the line so. probs not.#that's the hard thing about having skills that people are trying to replace with genAI slop ig#is I need to start saving like hell if I don't wanna move back in with my folks#but also. the job market [gestures exhaustedly]#anyway don't mind me I'm just sitting here thinking out loud today#epub format is a hell of a drug apparently!!
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erm. all classes are cancelled at my faculty for the remainder of the semester. do i move back home
#like. i have 3 essays to submit until the 20th i think. and one oral exam for which no one knows the date lmfao#i think my roommate is staying until mid-january so i might stay as well#as soon as i move back to hungary i need to start looking for a job and a place to stay in budapest 😔🔫#and decide whether or not to try to finish my MA next semester. pain
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