#I really hope I can get back to therapy ASAP

[roebeanstalk]

6/2 Update: Security deposit has been paid!! Thank you so much to everyone for the help 💚 I still have to pull together all of June rent for my current place which is $675. Thank you everyone for all of the help so far 💚

I’m asking for help with June rent, which is $675 and needs to be paid ASAP.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot

venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89

ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Any help at all is super appreciated. Every dollar adds up, and shares are so helpful too. I know that I’ve received so much help from people in the past and I can’t thank you all enough. I hope that this is the last of these that I have to do.

Needs:

June rent: $23/$675

Security Deposit: $495/495 Paid 💚

Bonus:

July rent (First month at new place): $495

Movers + Uhaul: $300-350

More info on my situation under the cut!

Thank you so, so so much.

I have a history of mental health issues, and as a result I have a very difficult time getting and maintaining employment. My mental health also impacts my ability to keep up with and complete freelance/commission work in a timely manner. While I have made some incredible steps forward lately thanks to the right combo of therapy, medication, and a support system, I am still not at a point where I am self-sufficient yet. I am getting there – and I am committed to keep trying no matter what.

Original post blurb, taken out of main post since deposit has been paid:

My landlord has decided not to move forward with me as a tenant due to my history with payment/mental health. While this is frustrating as heck, it’s allowed me to find a better, more affordable housing situation. I have signed a lease at a new place and move in July 1st!Once the deposit is paid, my space on the lease is officially secured and I am good to go. This is the main thing that I am looking for help with.

Why I need help:

This new housing situation is incredible for me – it’s a room in a quiet house with two other queer folk, and the rent is very affordable compared to my current situation. The new place is $485/month, the current place is $675/month. Even with utilities, my total overhead for shelter will cost less than rent at my current place. If I can secure my spot in this house and move forward, I see such a clear path forward for me in terms of self-improvement and self-sufficiency.

For the first time in 15 years, I feel like I can tackle the things ahead of me. If you’re able to help out I would really, really appreciate it.

What I’m doing:

I am job hunting for something that works well for my situation. With the cost of rent, I think that a part time job will be able to cover it. The process of getting a job is difficult for me, but I am committed to continuing to work at it.

On the art front, I have occasional comic coloring jobs that help me out. I also have commissions – I have finally been moving forward at a good rate and have been really happy with my work. In time, this will be able to be a more standard income route. I also have a Patreon that brings in about $65/month.

Cashapp https://cash.app/clawshot / venmo https://venmo.com/rmck89 / ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/roebeanstalk

Thank you so much for reading over all of this. Thank you to everyone who has helped with donations or kind words or reblogs. Thank you so much to every commissioner and customer who has been patient as hell with me on artwork, communication, and stickers. Thank you thank you thank you. Thanks to every single one of you I have been able to keep pushing myself forward, and I'm so happy to keep doing it and make good on everything. And eventually, give back to my community. I love you all so much, even though i don't know any of you that well. Thank youuuu. <3

[lynxgriffin]

Hiatus Notice

Hi all, didn't want to make this post on my birthday, but I do need to do it now: I'm going to need to take a hiatus from drawing due to my wrist being hurt again.

Anyone who watches my streams knows that I still try and do my stretches while working all the time, so getting hurt again so badly that I can't work at all is nothing short of completely devastating to me. I have spent most of my time crying nonstop about it. All I can do now is the proper next steps...stop and rest, talk to my doctor about it, and hopefully get any physical or massage therapy I need so that I can recover and get back to work ASAP.

I don't know what my timetable for recovery would be right now, but I'm really hoping it's not as long as last time. I just know I won't be able to share any art until I'm better and can draw regularly again.

This just sucks because I already feel like I've been slow at things, and I had multiple things in the works...Eldritchrune comics, and also a project I was working on for the next anniversary. I apologize that it's going to be a wait before I can share any art again...even once I get back into drawing, my job still comes first.

I will update here more once I hopefully know what to do from my doctor, and I can still answer asks, but no art for awhile. I'm so sorry about the wait...trust me when I say this is my biggest nightmare, and I've been an emotional wreck about it.

And artists: please learn from my miseries and take care of yourselves, especially if you draw professionally. Take breaks, stretch frequently, drink lots of water, do NOT overwork, listen to your body, listen to your doctors and therapists. The world doesn't treat us as such, especially nowadays, but you are athletes. Take care of your body the same way an athlete would.

Thanks again for your patience.

[porcelainmoth]

Lean on me

Warnings: Depression, mentions of Alcohol, Language, Reader is referred to as "kid" by Husk but the reader's age is undetermined. Nicknames, Fluff/Comfort.

Author's note: This was inspired by a prompt I found on Tumblr. This is my first fanfic so it's not the best but I tried. I really tried to make it give off Dad! Husk vibes but it's up to the reader to choose how they want to interpret it. My Lucifer fanfic is still a WIP but I'll get back to it Asap. I hope y'all take care ❤️

Prompt: "I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay." https://www.tumblr.com/eloquent-edits/743056289024868352/omg-protection-prompts-yall-feel-free-to?source=share

Summary: When life gets tough you think you're great at hiding your feelings but nothing gets past wise old husker. Perhaps you could use a bartender's shoulder to lean on?

"Breakfast is done!" Charlie chirps sitting down a plate full of a variety of your favorite food on the table.

"Aww, Charlie you didn't have to." You say timidly rubbing the back of your head.

"Well you are a special guest after all. Besides it's no biggie really." She smiles sitting down with a plate full of hot cakes.

"Thank you." You smile back and gather your plate to take to your room when an unexpected but familiar voice cuts in.

"You're really going to eat in your room all by your lonesome again?"

Husk.

You turn around and look over at the source of the voice. There sits husk at the bar. Wearing his usual look of disinterest. He takes a quick swig of booze before going back to the same wine glass he was

"Are you really going to sit there and rub the same glass all day again? I think it's clean by now." You giggle.

"Touché" he smirks sitting down the glass and goes back to nursing the bottle.

You roll your eyes and thank Charlie again before taking off to your room.

"Hey kid?"

You groan stopping once again not even bothering to turn around.

What the fuck do you want? you want to say.

"Yes?" You say through gritted teeth not feeling like talking at the moment.

"You okay?"

Like hell I am.

"Y-yeah I'm good." You lie and storm off before anything else can be said.

Charlie gives Husk a worried glance and Husk just shrugs and goes back to cleaning the bar.

"Hey Husk have you seen squirt anywhere Charlie's group therapy thing is about to start and uhh...." Angel trails off. "Ya know come to think of it I haven't seen much of em' in a week or two." He says wringing his hands. "I tried knocking on their door a couple of times but they won't answer. Think ya could try talking to them for me? Since y'all are close?" Angel says.

Husk raises an eyebrow. "Yeah I S'pose I could try."

"Okay thanks. See you at Charlie's group exercises. Not like I'm going..." He snickers walking off.

Husk sighs and hops off his stool putting a closed sign on the bar and heads up to your room. Stopping at your door he hesitates a minute but takes a deep breath and lightly knocks at your door hearing shuffling behind it followed by sniffle.

"Hey Kid?" He says "Charlie's group bonding is about to start." He says then knocks a bit harder than the first time.

"Kid-" you cut him off.

"I'll be out in a minute...." You say quickly wiping your tears and doing your best to tidy up your appearance combing through your messy hair and putting on a fake grin you open the door.

"Husker! Nice to see ya! As always...." you say with fake enthusiasm.

"Long time no see...." He takes a moment to get a look at you. Your skin is paler than usual. You have bags under your eyes and your eyes are bloodshot red. He can tell you've been crying. He notices your smile slightly wane.

"Hahaha Yeah...." You respond nervously rubbing the back of your head.

"Is everything alright?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me." He says taking a few steps closer crossing his arms.

You gulp trying to avoid looking him in the eye. He sighs and goes to cup your cheek in the palm of his paw. You slowly melt into his touch sighing.

"Baby you know you can tell me if something's wrong."

You pull his away from his grasp and turn around huffing, wrapping your arms around yourself in a self soothing manner.

"You can cut the act. Tell me what's wrong and maybe I can help-"

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW OKAY?!" You snap hot tears begin streaming down your already red cheeks.

He winces backing up a bit. He knows you didn't mean it. He knew you were just hurt.

"Baby I-"

"I don't NEED your help! I said I'm FINE." You shouted quickly turn on your heel shutting the door. You slide down with your back pressed against it hugging your knees to your chest crying harder.

He listens from the other side his heart breaks hearing your broken sobs. He kneels down in front of the door this time.

"You're still there? I thought I told you to leave..." You whimper not even trying to fight it at this point.

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay." He speaks up.

"Well clearly I'm not...." You sniffle.

"You know I can get up and leave but we both the truth. You hate being alone."

You calm down a bit listening to him on the other side of the door.

"I remember the first day you arrived here. You were scared and all alone. I could tell. But you still fooled everyone with that sweet smile of yours." He says sighing deeply.

"You know we all love you...." he chuckles. "Charlie's been talking nonstop about how proud she is of you and always tells me every little detail about the progress you've made since you arrived here. Angels even bragged on you about what a good friend you are. Always helping with Fat Nuggets and trying to cheer him up after a bad night. Vaggie, That girl is a tough nut to crack but I see the way she smiles at ya." He says grinning to himself like a proud father. "Hell even Al. He's definitely something else.....but I've noticed he's seemed to take a liking to you as well. And Niff. Well I don't even think you want to know.." He trails off snickering.

"Yes I do! What about Niffty?"

"She may or may not have a collection of your hair that she may or may not keep locked up in her "Secret" shrine of you. Don't ask how I know that...." He says cringing.

You snort and laugh at that. He chuckles.

"So...may I come in now?" He asks. You quickly jump up opening the door and dive into his chest wrapping your arms around him tightly. He gasps but returns the big embrace.

"Careful Kid. You nearly knocked the nine lives outta me." He huffs. "Well nine after lives?"

You giggle and melt into his warmth as he runs his claws through your hair. You sniffle again causing him to perk up.

He looks down at you running his paw down your cheek wiping away a stray tear.

"What's the matter?" He asks his gaze softening.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you and pushed you and everyone away....." You say crying softly.

"Oh baby don't worry about it. We were just worried about you." He replied humming softly while rubbing your back. You play with his wings and he notices this. Slowly he wraps his red velvety wings around your figure. You nuzzle deeper into him content. You yawn and he scoops you up in his arms to lay you down in your room.

Just then Charlie and Vaggie walk around the corner along with Angel dust close behind them. Charlie goes to speak but quickly examines the situation causing her eyes to tear up and break into a wide grin.

"Awwwwwww." Her and Angel coo in unison while Vaggie just smiles putting her hands on her hips. Angel laughs.

"Well well well, guess Ole Whiskers has a heart after all." He snorts.

"Zip it Anthony."

A/n: Well that's it. This ended up longer than I thought it would be. Hopefully it isn't too bad but I finally finished it. I wanted to write something comforting without to getting too deep into the depths of depression. I hope that's okay. As always take care ❤️

[starving4thethrill]

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

Oh wow, this is really touching (being fr) . Good news, I’m (kind of) in recovery! I’m still active on here and no one knows about my ed, but I haven’t been st@rving or anything. Plus, my mental health has been way better eating wise. I truly hope you fully recover one day. Dysmorphia sucks. Love you, random stranger on the internet

[snspice]

♡࿐🦢 BREAKING :: MYDOL ENTERTAINMENT BUYS SUGAR N' SPICE'S CONTRACT

By ANGELWINGZZ || February 24th, 2024

Earlier this morning, Angelico Entertainment and MyDol Entertainment officially announced that the latter company had bought out the contract for one of Kpop's leading girl groups, Sugar N' Spice.

The five-member girl group has been managed by Angelico since their debut in 2019, having consistent and chart-topping comebacks over their 5 years together. When MyDol's current CEO, Son Jinhwa, stepped down from being the CEO of Angelico back in 2023, SNS never stopped their busy schedule and quickly had a comeback with their 4th full album in October of the same year.

Quickly after SNS wrapped up their promotion cycle, they went silent as a group, only making whole group appearances at the end-of-year award shows and similar events. All the members participated in their own solo activities, most notably with Mika making her debut in the idol supergroup Starzie, but otherwise, Angelico was dead silent on anything group-related.

Many fans were hoping this meant the girls would be getting a well-deserved rest, but their hopes were quickly shut down when MyDol released this official statement this morning.

"Hello, this is MyDol Entertainment. After a very lengthy period of contractual disputes between us and Angelico Entertainment, we are glad to inform you all that from this day forward, Sugar N' Spice will be a part of the MyDol family. All five members have signed artist contracts with us and will begin work as soon as they settle into their new routine. We are very excited to begin this journey with these talented ladies and hope their beloved Sweetarts can accept this new change and continue to cheer the Sweets on in the future. - MyDol Entertainment"

The girls were seen leaving MyDol this morning after the announcement was made, supposedly having just finished signing their contracts and then heading to officially begin their moving process. The most popular member, Mika, was absent from the public display, rumored to have taken a back exit to leave the building before she expressed her annoyance with her current situation on her Instagram story.

Despite public backlash, Mika has not deleted any of her stories, and MyDol has not released any statements regarding the situation.

[ +7834, -540 ] The way Noah appears whenever literally ANYTHING happens in her life... truly they are soulmates

[ +5028, -1923 ] am i the only one really excited to have the girls back under jinhwa?? their latest concept felt off without him

[ +2338, -302 ] I'm shocked all the girls agreed to sign with them, especially considering it seems that was the last thing mika wanted to happen

[ +845, -368 ] i need a behind the scenes documentary of how this all went down cause no way threats and punches weren't thrown

[ +629, -473 ] praying this means sns will be promoted again like they should

[ +478, -129 ] this was so childish of her wow management needs to take away her media access geez

[ +296, -87 ] these girls need therapy asap . clearly.

mentions … @venusvity

[trashlie]

it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey, everyone…

We’re so sorry about the unexpected interruption here. But after 3 days at our local CSU, an emergency therapy session, adding a new medication, and our first split in a long time… we’re back.

It’s so hard for us to feel stable or claim to be stabilized after something like this. It felt like we left the unit too early, but they have a 72 hour policy there. But something we heard from the group therapy leader there, is stabilization doesn’t usually happen right away. They set us up with some resources, they assured us that we’re welcome to come back if we need to, and we’re going to be seeing our therapist twice a week.

We’re so sorry we left… but we were already in a very bad place when we found out that user was lying about us. We’ve been lied about before - in our past it’s led to us losing friends and community, and being traumatized by someone we thought we could trust. Our alter, Alucard, split because of this, so finding out someone was spreading rumors about vamp and Kip specifically really sent vamp (and our whole system) over the edge.

We hope to get back to normal though (or as normal as we can) ASAP!

Thank you so much to everyone for your patience and kind words. We’re so sorry we had to leave abruptly like that. Our new alter, Lucille, and other members of our system think we’re coming back online too soon, but I know we have asks piling up so we need to get back to doing what we do here. We request your continued patience if we’re even slower than usual with responding to asks, or if our responses seem fragmented. We may be out of the CSU, but we’re still in a very dark place.

Again, thank you so much for your patience. Lucille is cofronting with me and likely will be a big presence here and on our other blogs, as she formed in response to us being triggered in online environments. So y’all might be hearing more from her in the future.

Thank you for bearing with us and taking the time to read this.

💫 Parker and Lucille (who has yet to choose an emoji sign off)

[theconqueringchicken]

The Stress of Accessing Gender Care

It took me years to decided to have any type of gender care and the process of accessing it is really stressing me out.

I met with my provider in summer after waiting about a year and a half to establish care. I told myself I was going to treat my PCOS and get on birth control or other hormones like I was supposed to but the words stuck in my throat. I told her I couldn't do it, that getting care to be more properly a woman felt like going in the wrong direction, and I wanted to try testosterone therapy.

She was very supportive and so said we should schedule a longer appointment to talk more about that. I was expressionless, tense, and closed off throughout. I wasn't ready to talk about the what I want. I have been holding it in since I was a teenager hoping the desires I have would go away.

No one wants to hear about it. It's not even something I can talk to my trans relatives about. One told me to come back and talk when I knew what I was and what my pronouns were and not before. Another told me that I just needed to learn to be a woman properly and my problem was lack of guidance and community. Step by step aigot pushed back into the closet.

My therapist's first reaction was "There's a lot of ways of being a woman. Maybe you just need to find the right one." Basically asking if I've tried not being trans. Oh yes, I have, for 15 years. Subsequent conversations were just as unproductive.

At my next doctor's appointment we talked briefly about health risks and why I wanted to try HRT. Never mind I'm already facing those risks from PCOS. My body is already making enough T to give me extra body hair and stop my periods for six months at a stretch.

I didn't know how to articulate why I wanted HRR. I've never talked about it and I feel so numb from depression and am so used to repressing these feelings they just slip through my fingers.

I only know that they are there. A pang of jealousy when I meet a trans man, a stab of shame when I don't meet a standard that was never meant to apply to me. A burst of pride when I push my body. The secret, desperate joy when I started growing chest hair and facial hair. The deep wrongness of being too feminine or completely masculine.

I can clumsily say what I feel but I do not know why I feel it.

I told her I was never normal, being a girl never fit, and if someone had offered me HRT when I was a 14 I would have taken it without a second thought.

She listened though I knew she didn't understand at all and I thankex her though I knew it wasn't what she was looking for. I was no less closed off to her and to myself.

Heading home I finally let myself feel happy. It was such a a fragile feeling, like a soap bubble floating along beside me, and if I looked at it too hard it might burst and all my fears would come crashing down on me again. Letting myself believe that HRT was a possibility for me felt like asking for disappointment or humiliation but I let myself have that hope,to pretend to believe in it just for a little while.

Then the gender limbo began. I was supposed to have an appointment scheduled with an endocrinologist but no one ever called me back. I felt this spark of panic and paranoia. Was someone trying to hook up my care? Like the person at the front desk who angrily snatched my ID out of my hand when I used my chosen name and not my given name?

After two weeks I called to ask what was going on. That day the entire phone system at the clinic went down so I got up and I went in person and was assured they would get back to me asap. They did not so I called them.

I asked about the scheduling and they told me it was being held up because they didn't have my new insurance information. Then, after another week it was being held up because they needed to do "information gathering". They did not specify what information they were gathering or why it took more than three weeks.

The next week I got another call telling me that they still had not scheduled anything and had no idea when they would be able to fit me in. So I made an appointment with a different provider and started the whole thing over again.

I had so much anxiety about keeping that appointment. I could feelyself panicking as I headed out the door and then when I reached the clinic I felt excited and relieved and so so glad I came. Then I was told my appointment was at another clinic. There was no time to get there on the bus so I just had to go home.

I told the receptionist that it was okay, that's just the way it goes sometimes, and then I went to the restroom and cried quietly on the floor for a few minutes. I kept myself together as I left and walked past the weirdos prowling around the clinic. Then I made the call and told scheduling I couldn't make my appointment and they told me that there never was an appointment and I started crying all over again.

I cried half the way home, then got junk food and a face mask, and made up my mind to fill my day with chores and crafts and go out later so I wouldn't be stuck at home. Yes, I am aware, getting the address wrong was my fault. That really doesn't make me less miserable.

This whole process has been so exhausting I don't know how anyone even does it. I don't know how people in the UK deal with all the wait times and all the nonsense.

I don't know how folks in the US copewith finally getting that prescription and then finding out that a pharmacist can just refuse to fill it because they hate transgender people.

I don't think what I've been dealing with personally is bias, it's just that healthcare is a shambles and has been for years. It's so stressful and it must be for everyone. I hope your journies are going better than mine.

[bellysoupset]

Hey Soup~

Another day, another ask with comments from me 🙈

Back to the Leo vs his mother arc.

I love that Wendy didn't break her promise not to tell Jonah about what happened, but she still spoke to Bell then Bell did to Luke, so he could alert Jonah.

Poor Jon was so scared for Luke when he saw that he had 4 missed calls from him because Jonah is Luke's emergency contact. You always write their frenemy vibes so nicely, like, they are always at each others' throat but are the first to jump when something happens to the other. Then the twist of Bella receiving the call and telling him Luke is fine, but something happened to Leo. Jonah was scared to death for a second there, poor thing.

"He needs you home" Oh Luke couldn't have said anything else that would have made Jonah want to come back sooner. Especially when he got to know it was Leo's mom that happened.

Nevermind, I was wrong "Leo shouldn't be alone" was the real deal 🥺

Luke took the wheel and bought Jonah and Angie tickets to get them home asap. Thank God for him.

Jonah telling LukeBell that he wanted every single detail, even what kind of socks Leo is wearing. He was WORRIED worried.

Wendy was scared too. Leo even made a pinky promise not to jump. Oh God 💔

Leo needed JD to notice the knocking because he was spiraling so hard. Baby.

Bella immediately hugging Leo then Luke the both of them. They knew what to tell him exactly. "Jonah is coming and we are not going anywhere" and "it wasn't your fault she left" and even "we got you, we love you" 😭😭

He deserved to hear these so much, like SO MUCH.

Then Jonah arrived finally!! Luke gave him a hug and told him that Leo was alright just needed Jon. My heart. I love these two.

Angie was also really worried about Leo. I felt like she was a little more quiet compared to her usually exuberant personality.

I'm glad that the first thing Jonah heard when he entered their home was Leo's laughter. Yes, good job Bells!!

The scene with Leo and Jon greeting each other while Bella was trapped in the blanket under them was hilarious.

I also loved the details Jon made Leo shared.Wendy called Leo off work, "she said she was my doctor" lmao I love her. I'm glad Leo recognized that he needs more therapy sessions.

Leo telling Jon he was made to feel small by Amelia and Jonah replying to that by telling Leo that he is his whole world. Awww, my heart.

I'm not surprised Leo got sick after all that stress.

Jonah missed rubbing Leo's back while he threw up? That tells so much about him.

"You are comfy, but not as comfy as Luke" lmao never change, Leo. Even Jonah couldn't hold back that smile. Me neither though.

I'm curious what else is going to happen now that we have Amelia in town. Can't wait to see what you have in mind.

Hope you enjoy reading this nonsense. See you in other asks, Soup!!

- 💜

You can tell I'm sooo behind answering my inbox, i'm so sorry!!

Wendy jumped through hoops to not break her promise but have Jon there, I think it really shows her sneaky personality. This is a girl who'll Get What She Wants, in this case Leo not being in pain!

Jon is up for most stressful 24 hours a person can go through, with all the suspense and worrying about Luke then Leo.

I'm so happy the scenes fit together nicely, from Leo/Bella/Luke, to Jon/Leo's reunion with Bella trapped under them. It's always my goal to have my angsty scenes just feel... Mundane. I love writing drama, but I really feel like nothing drives it home so deeply than when its mixed with a bit of humor, a bit of tears, a bit of "shit I gotta go grocery shopping".

And yeah!! Having Amelia in town sets up for a lot of angst potential, but end of the day, this is their town and I'll not have her run Leo out of there. She can move if she wants, but this is the home he built, with the guy he loves and the family they made.

Thank you sooo much for commenting 💜!!

[elaichitea24]

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

This whole thing is so sweet ☹️ I’m so sry you’ve been suffering so long, I hope you’ll be able to find peace soon. As for getting out of this, I tried recovering for a few months but I couldn’t do it, I found so much more comfort in the control and the hunger. I had fully intended on deleting this account too and I hope one day I will be able to get past this. Thank you so much for the concern though, i can’t lie when I say this thought always plagues my mind.

I really do appreciate this all, it’s very kind. Again, I hope you’re able to get better one day as well <33

[buntsuki]

Update!!

Groot is doing wonderful! I am in an extremely tough spot though. We’re going to have to adjust his chemo medication because we can’t afford the ecg he needs for them to feel safe giving him the rest of his doses.

We’re honestly okay switching to the other medication as it’s supposed to be less stressful on his heart. While still being a strong treatment option. The quote for that is $3k for the rest of those doses, with 4 other doses of different types with it. We’re estimating about $5k total. Which we just don’t have at this point. We have been denied for personal loans, CareCredit Card, Scratch Pay, Wells Fargo. My fiancée was approved for a $300 loan at 26.90% interest from Sunbit, which obviously isn’t worth it. We’ve reached out to every foundation we’ve seen, I’ve sent in to weratedogs, Paws4, BowWow and a few other ones I can’t remember the names of at the moment. We’ve all joined numerous Facebook groups to share. We’ve even gotten to a point where last week we asked long time neighbor/family friends (who are very well off) for the possibility of a loan with a notary and payment plan, they read the message and ignored us…we’ve never asked them for money (until last week for a loan).

So that’s it we’ve really exhausted what we can at this point. I’ve sold a few things but of course it’s not enough, the commissions have been super helpful though! Thank you so much! As well as thank you to everyone for sharing!! Shares help..I feel like we just need to get it into the right hands. Of course I’m still going to be doing commissions and selling what I can as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO FOR ME:

I’ve had a super busy week, I apologize if I haven’t gotten back to anyone with comm updates yet! I’ve had an appointment almost everyday this week for my own medical issues. Then Groots chemo, and I was meant to have an important doctor appointment tomorrow, but it was rescheduled. There was a mass shooting about 45 minutes away from me, the suspect is still on the loose so businesses are locking doors, and rescheduling appointments. -My absolute condolences to the victims and I truly hope he’s found soon.

I had electro current therapy AlphaStim on Monday and it ACTUALLY HELPED MY CHRONIC PAIN! Like surreal, I can do a couple in office visits that my insurance will cover. There’s an at home one Quell that I think would be life changing for me, but it’s $150 up front for the band and 2 replacement packs. Then it’s $25-50 a month per replacement pack. Which i obviously can’t afford while emptying everything to my name out on chemotherapy. (I would rather be in pain than let Groot down).

I appreciate the kindness and support/understanding right now! It’s a really tough time, especially after the hospital blow, and now hearing about the medication stuff. Gofundme in bio and on my profile as always, no pressure to anyone! Times are hard all around and I don’t want anyone exerting themselves for me.

Thanks for reading! I’ll get back to everyone asap! I have tomorrow free now to hopefully get caught up.

[agentianlegend]

20 Q's for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag, @summerssixecho! I enjoyed revisiting my work a bit for this one :)

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 

9 (17 over on FFn)

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

243,275

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily Danny Phantom (it’s what got me into writing fanfiction to begin with; in fact, even as an 11-year-old I was writing my own Danny Phantom episodes when it was first coming out), but I also write for DC (either DP crossover or standalone) and Miraculous Ladybug that one time. I have been t e m p t e d to write more ML as well as dabble in a few others, like maybe Ted Lasso or Scooby Doo (couldn’t be more random, I know), but that hasn’t come to be yet. Let's also not forget the DP x The Office au that @tytach and @arken-99 and I were messing around with a while back 😂 I'm still tempted to go somewhere with that. (Tytach did.)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

5) Intervention at 657 kudos - DP - Danny comes home after curfew one final time, and his dad is waiting for him. We give Jack Fenton credit in this house/fic.

4) Beast Within at 910 kudos - DP x DC/Young Justice - Garfield Logan has just lost his mom and is struggling to get his newly developed shapeshifting powers under control. The team calls in Danny for help.

3) Fire with Fire - 956 kudos - DP x MCU Spider-Man - After the Fentons temporarily relocate to Queens for a contract with Stark Technologies, Danny and Peter find themselves embroiled in a conspiracy bringing malicious wraiths to New York City.

2) A Vigilante, a Different Vigilante’s Sister and a Villain Walk Into a Bar - 1,811 kudos - DP x DC - Jazz Fenton and Jason Todd attempt to date amidst unpredictable rogues needing therapy and nosy family members needing gossip fodder. This getting 2nd place is a surprise since it's my newest fic...

1) Recognized - a whopping 3,561 kudos - DP x DC/YJ - After Danny accidentally gets zeta tube access using Robin’s credentials/DNA, the two boys try to find out what happened years ago while unraveling a web of past and present secrets.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Absolutely ALWAYS, and if it’s taking me a bit to reply, just know that I’m going through it irl and I’ll get to responding to everyone ASAP. I love hearing what you guys think of my work and what in particular you’re reacting to/enjoying, so whether it’s fanboying over scenes together or explaining details you might’ve missed or just don’t quite get, I always take the time to show my gratitude for you taking a moment to share your thoughts. :)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Pretty much none of them, to be honest? I always like to try to end on a hopeful note, if not an outright happy one, because I need hope for my own struggles lol. The only candidate I can think of would be The Theorists, but even that’s not an angsty finish. My older oneshot Taking The World by Thunder might count since Lance Thunder doesn't get a happy ending, but it's pretty much a crack fic so I still wouldn't call it angst lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Gosh, this is also a hard one because most of them are sort of open-ended and hopeful. I would probably nominate Night One because I love Wally and Connor’s bonding. It gives me the warm fuzzies. I also think Intervention qualifies since it's a wholesome reveal to the Fenton parents instead of the typical catastrophe (I mean, look at the reveal in Recognized, y'all).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Only every once in a while, and it’s not really hate but more…closed-minded rejection of the fic’s idea. Like on Recognized I’ll occasionally get something along the lines of “this whole thing is confusing and over-complicated” (literally the point) or “this wouldn’t happen” (you’re reading a fic that literally takes place in a world of ghosts and aliens and people with superpowers). Only a couple times someone’s said “this is stupid” and I’m like, if I don’t like someone’s fic, I just move on and let them be because it’s what they wanted to write. Have these people never heard “you do you”?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

HA. I can barely even write flirting.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Often, usually for DP x DC. The craziest was probably The Theorists because it features almost entirely side characters and their “conspiracy theories” about the main cast. It also wove into the Recognized storyline in the end.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of. Let me know if you find my work anywhere lol I only ever post on my main accounts: agentianlegend on tumblr and AO3 and hiimian over on FFn.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope but I’m open to it

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I’m not big on ships, to be honest. Though I enjoy Jason Todd x Jazz Fenton, and OH in the middle of writing this I remembered other fandoms exist lol. Marichat from ML because they’re both their most relaxed selves. Adrienette is a very close runner-up. 

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I’ve never published it or shared with anyone, but the first modern fic I wrote was a DP x Teen Titans crossover where Jack and Danny move to Jump City after tragedy takes Maddie and Jazz. Danny wants to lay low and not be a hero as he deals with the loss, but Slade has other ideas. I wrote quite a bit for it, but I don’t know if I’ll finish. It was heavily angsty when I was going through some stuff and needed catharsis. I still have it almost entirely outlined, so theoretically I could finish it. But, I don’t know. Inspired by Into the Dark by InkyIris btw (apparently a rewrite and cross-publishing is in progress on AO3!), one of the OG fics that got me involved back in the fandom.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, characterization, and action scene choreography. Or so I’ve been told lol

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Writing out scenes when I don’t love the scene as it is. The efficiency side of my brain doesn’t want to waste the energy when I know I’m going to pretty much throw it out and rewrite entirely later on. Also, romance.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Danny Phantom, even before I started publishing. (See the aforementioned episodes I wrote when I was 11.)

20. Favourite fic you've written?

If not Recognized, I would probably say Night One. It’s a quiet fic, and I love those intimate moments when these larger-than-life characters have some hurt/comfort and bonding moments.

-

Well I already mentioned you guys earlier but I'm tagging @tytach and @arken-99 as well as @the-outcast-ed, @tourettesdog and @dp-marvel94!

[nekrosdolly]

Hey could you do a fic for Leon Kennedy with a AFAB reader who’s recovering from Bulimia and was making really good progress, but relapsed. If this is too dark that’s fine. Love your writing!

hii anon! sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to this, but i juggled whether or not i wanted to take this given the sensitivity of the topic. i will, and have been writing it as best as i can based on the knowledge and research i've done on bulimia, and i can only hope i wrote something that hit close to home for you (and maybe anyone out there who's struggling with an eating disorder, because they are tough and relentless.) if you see this, please know i'm writing it and will post it asap!

i also feel inclined to say that if anyone is struggling with an eating disorder, be it you or someone you know, never be afraid to seek help. therapy is great and it can do so much for someone who's struggling, and i really, really encourage you to find something helpful that works for you.

[reliccipher]

Is there even a fuckin evolutionary purpose to cramps or is that just for funny haha human torment

I've been facing kidney stone level pain since I was 12 and no matter how many times professionals say that its normal you cannot convince me that this level of pain is NORMAL. I really hope they just mean "normal" as in "You don't need to go to the hospital" because there is no way that there's nothing going on here? Do doctors just think I'm exaggerating? Is this just a socialization issue and they're just trying to reassure me that I'm not dying and I'm misinterpreting it to mean "everything is fine"? Are the doctors in my area just idiots? Or is it a "we really can't do anything here, just keep taking naproxen or whatever as normal" kinda thing? Do I have endometriosis?? Is it too hard to diagnose it for certain and my doctors aren't bothering, or am I not complaining enough about it? I genuinely don't know. I just don't think this is completely normal.

I've had kidney stones before. I've had to help take care of my dad when he gets them, because getting those on top of his chronic pain makes it a struggle to even get out of bed. It is genuinely one of the worst kinds of pain to get. I have been taking ibuprofen and/or naproxen for the pains ASAP when I even see a little bit of blood or feel the start of cramping. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot how bad it was, so when my cramps started in the middle of the day when I had no access to any kind of meds some months back, the horrifying reality of what I had been going through had finally set in, taking the full force of the pain with nothing to combat it, and it was just as bad as kidney stones. Made worse since it hit me in a crowded fuckin mall with people looking at me weird but I don't want to get into that mess. I just cannot believe when someone tries to tell me THAT is normal, that everything is fine, nothing to worry about, nothing to even look into.

I'm scared to even think about how the pain could be worse than this, because I know that's possible. I'm scared of the idea that something could be seriously wrong here and it's getting ignored because I'm not being taken seriously or because I'm not complaining enough about it. I hate the idea that this is just somehow "normal". Even if I wasn't trans I'd want to get this stupid fucking organ out of my body so I don't have to suffer like that. I really wish I could just get it removed already, its just too fucking much for me, man. That's not gonna happen any time soon though since I can hardly even afford blood tests. I mean, hell, I need to get a (full body, likely) MRI and that's been shoved to the side for years now because my family just can't afford it. A whole surgery like that is nothing but a pipe dream right now.

Sorry for the long rambling bs about this shit but I need to scream into the void about this, I already had therapy this week so I can't talk about it there lol. IDK maybe someone knows what its like or can tell me "yeah that's not normal your doctors suck" or something.

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

hi Sarah! back in September I sent you an ask that I'll be seeing the One Tree Hill Drama Queens live when they come to NYC on 10/16, but that I was also supposed to pick up my parents that same day at the same time from the airport. you gave a very kind response so first thank you for that and also, I hope they plan some west coast/full USA stops also! well, I told my parents I wouldn't be able to pick them up because I had bought a ticket to this event, and sadly they did not respond well. our closest family friends will also be out of town that weekend, and while I suggest others, including those from our temple, they declined because they didn't want to ask anyone and said they'd just take a cab - which I said would be expensive, and tbh they have't taken a cab in literal years and have no idea how expensive they are these days, and we live 45 minutes away from the airport they're landing at so it'd be $100, at the very lowest. I offered other relatives but they have a weird mentality with these things and would rather not ask anyone for an airport pick up. meanwhile if anyone asks them for anything, they do not hesitate, even if I think they should say no. I guess I should also say that we're from India; they're immigrants and I'm a first born here in the USA. I can't help but still feel awful and like I should just try to sell my ticket and just pick them up - also because my show is one that will be livestreamed anyway. but this is also something I'm learning in therapy which I just started this year in January - I can't be responsible for them and try to help them all the time when they are capable of helping themselves - especially because I feel this way because I'm still living at home despite being no longer being in my 20s, BUT I am starting a new job in November and looking at apartments to move out asap. this got way too long so thank you in advance Sarah if you did get all the way here <3

Hi friend! I totally remember this ask and I'm so sorry your parents didn't respond very well to your boundary setting. I'm also a first-generation Canadian from immigrant parents so I totally understand the struggle with having to explain strange cultural ways that you feel conflicted about wanting to respect but also not necessarily applying to yourself.

I'm really really proud of you for the fortitude and boundaries that you're setting. I know that it's SO HARD and WOW the thought of disappointing my parents (even at almost-30) is one of my biggest nightmares. It can rule your life, truly. My advice is that you've explained where you're coming from to them and the circumstances and this is an opportunity to set a new path establishing boundaries and independence and separation. But also I want to say that family loyalty and diligence and helping others out is a kind thing to think about and I completely understand why you're conflicted.

[itisnotdefended]

it's too much to ask and too late to say that if anything would change, i'd want you to stay. my heart was muddied but now i know i lost part of me while i watched you go.

but i can't put you on standby. cruising altitude is too high. i can't forget what you said and i hope it stays true, friend.

you took back your words but i hope you still mean them.

i really need to hash out my feelings in therapy ASAP. i've been so so torn up about losing someone i cared about at the price of keeping someone else i care about that i haven't been able to actually process.

to go from being loved on and genuinely wanted (intellectually, casually, hell, even sexually) so fervently by someone who i felt the same way about to having it all ripped apart in the roughest way to be partially glued back together and then ripped apart again?

i feel like i've broken up with multiple people multiple times in the span of a month and i'm w e a r y.

and all the talk with Bear about "well i wouldn't mind you getting nudes if i just knew," "i'd been asking for nudes and you sent them to HIM" and "i want you to say 'i love you' not 'love you'" like, i feel like suddenly my husband has peeled away everything and i see the child i've been with this whole time.

even down to the sex. ngl i've had more libido in the last three months than the last 8 years combined and i think i've been ignoring that fact because it means i may not actually be sexually attracted to my husband. yikers. but with my increased libido, it's becoming clear that Bear has... very little experience. and doesn't take coaching that well. in the moment pointers are met with confusion and get brought up with anxious self-consciousness afterwards if they get brought up at all.

i've always felt guilty about having a lower sex drive than him. he's told me sex is important to him but i'm more important. he has actively set aside his own sexual desires to be with me for 9 years. WAT. that doesn't... make me feel good?

i want to be more attracted to my husband, but every response he has had about me and Sixer is centered on how he feels i think less of him because i felt how i did about/acted how i did with Sixer. despite me trying to explain that during those couple months, i felt even closer with Bear. like i had an outlet for a part of me that allowed me to be closer with him when i had the chance. but that doesn't mean anything to Bear because someone else with a cock got to see my tits.

it's making me realize that i am absolutely poly and that this is going to be much more difficult than either Bear or i realized. i'm not ignoring the fact that it may be in both of our best interests to find partners who better fit our needs... i feel like i've taken so much of his life and made him shove so much of himself down. i don't want that for him and i don't want that for me.

i don't want to go into couples therapy and try to change and remold ourselves so we can keep a marriage. a marriage isn't supposed to be the form to squeeze yourself into, it's supposed to already fit. you don't buy a pair of pants that are too small and get mad when they don't fit. you just... make sure you buy a pair of pants that fit.

maybe we were too young. maybe we both had no idea what we were doing. i wouldn't go so far as to say being with him and marrying him was a mistake... but i hope it didn't take away too much we can't get back.