#I love them so much dude part 6 goats

[creepycoffins]

they’re hanging outtttt

[n1ghteeea]

Have there been any headcannons of the fellas and Janine that you personally disagree with or don't make sense to you?

Ooooh, that’s fun.

The fandom is dead and I’ve only been here since August, so I can’t say I saw a lot of stuff to either agree or disagree with tbh (which is why I ask ppl to send me their hcs and ideas bc I wanna see at least SOME content) buuuut there are a few character interpretations that piss me off.

1. “Janine would be jealous if Egon got in a relationship with other guys” she literally would not. If it was someone else? Maybe. The guys? No. Dude, they are a family. He constantly spends time w/ them instead of her, they sleep in the same room, they are BASICALLY an old married relationship already, and she dgaf, she loves all of them and she wouldn’t mind. SHE set them up to meet in EGB on Egon’s birthday, I swear. If she was jealous she’d constantly drag him away from them to spend time with her instead, but she doesn’t bc she doesn’t mind. They are grown adults and they can share perfectly fine. Stop putting them against each other. Pictures related.

2. “Peter doesn’t care about his job or his friends and really only wants to gain fame and a girlfriend” I WILL KILL YOU!!! But like that is FACTUALLY not true. In the show we see him having MULTIPLE opportunities to leave ghostbusting behind and go on to do something more fun, but he ALWAYS turns them down like it’s obvious (ex: “Banshee Bake a Cherry Pie?”). Plus, he cares more about his friends and his job than about any girl, AND he cares more about them than his infamous movie counterpart!! Movie Peter turned down work when he had a date. RGB Peter? Yea, he whined for like 2 seconds but then went anyway and forgot about it like immediately. I mean hell, in EGB HE was the one who after TWO MINUTES back in the Firehouse went “wow guys, we stopped early with this, maybe we should reconsider and become Ghostbusters again?” HE LOVES THIS JOB AND THESE PEOPLE!!

3. Not a fan of when ppl separate the guys into 2&2 ships, just let them be poly. All of their dynamics are written with the same depth, they all care about each other and have sweet moments, like come on. It esp irks me when ppl only care about Egon/Peter, idk, smth smth picking only the two conventionally attractive white men to ship and talk about from such a close-knitted group is an odd decision to me 🤷

4. Hate when ppl ignore / exclude Janine from the group. She’s just as much a member of this family as the guys are, and they love her, leave my goat alone. But also don’t like when they ship her with other guys besides Egon. Maybe it’s cuz I see her as a lesbian, maybe not, idk. Not my thing.

5. Idk don’t like when ppl can’t separate the movies from the show? Saying RGB guys left Egon alone like the movie ones did is plain wrong. They didn’t. It was a mutual decision to split up and they were all miserable and clearly missed each other. In Afterlife (as much as I like it) it barely seems like the guys gaf about Egon dying at all, but in RGB? Boy oh boy, they are the happiest people ever when they meet. Separate them!!

6. PPL NEED TO LOCK IN FOR EGB!!! If you like RGB but never saw EGB you don’t see the most heartbreaking tragic part of their relationship and how it affected all of them, ESPECIALLY Egon. As I said before, EGB literally has everything ppl wanted from the sequel movies PLUS it’s actually good.

But overall my fandom experience was positive (cuz the fandom is dead) yay!!!

[thebroccolination]

I wanted to ask about some fandom, that you don't actively take part in anymore, but was into before, so I checked your ao3 fandom list looking for those that have 3-6 fics and the pokemon I choose is MDZS. :D I have watched the drama more than once before, but finished the book only recently, so it would be very interesting to read your opinion <3

So, for the 001: MDZS!

I actually have two extra questions.  1. What made you like it back then (enough to write fic)? 2. Why did you stop liking it enough to write fic? :'D

There is obviously no pressure to answer whatsoever. I understand that talking about old fandoms may not be fun, so feel free to completely ignore the ask! <3

For the fandom number meme:

Ooh, this one’s fun! And thank you for asking! I love doing these. :D

- MDZS -

1) What made you like it back then (enough to write fic)?: I found a fan translation of the novel while I was living in Japan back in 2019 and devoured it. I only read it once so I don’t remember everything clearly, but I did very emphatically think that Wei Wuxian was one of my favorite protagonists. I have the Seven Seas translation of the first volume, but I’m reading Guardian (Zhen Hun) first because that was my intro to danmei (and still my favorite of what I’ve read).

2) Why did you stop liking it enough to write fic?: Thailand distracted me. \:D/ I also didn’t know anyone in the fandom, so I’d just been sort of enjoying from the sidelines. No one to drag me back, y’know?

Now the meme proper!

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

• Favorite Character: Wei Wuxian

• Least Favorite Character: Aaand now we’re into the stuff I blocked. Y’know that one dude? Him. Ooooh I wanted him to die so bad. I don’t actually remember if he did. I’ll tell myself he did. Good. [spits]

• 5 Favorite Ships (canon or non-canon): Our heroes wangxian, and that’s kind of it? I did hope for some sapphic pairs, but I don’t remember who I was rooting for.

• Character I find most attractive: All the women.

• Character I would marry: All the women.

• Character I would be best friends with: All the—

• A random thought: I’d love a companion book that explains the cultural and genre subtext that readers unfamiliar with them could enjoy. Like when I was in Word of Honor fandom, I loved learning about all these aspects of the series that viewers familiar with the genre conventions were pointing out.

• An unpopular opinion: Not interested in watching the series. I just loved the novel so much the way it was, so I don’t really feel any need to watch the adaptation. I’ve heard it’s great! It’s just one of those “read the book first” things.

• My canon OTP: Wangxian

• Non-canon OTP: Me x All the Women

• Most badass character: Jin Ling’s uncle

• Pairing I am not a fan of: That one character I hate paired with the guy I ship with someone else. There’s this one pair in the book and there’s betrayal and one of them ends up a broken spirit? Them I love. <3

• Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): None! I think they’re all extremely well-written.

• Favorite friendship: Wei Wuxian and the goat (was it a donkey?)

• Character I want to adopt or be adopted by: Jiang Yanli :’)

[splickedylit]

I reread domestic diplomacy for the umpteenth time and it’s just! So! Good! I love love love how from Dave’s perspective Gamzee is an absolutely fuckoff enormous clown monster who apparently stalked straight out of a horror movie and into Dave’s life as part of his alien boyfriend’s traditional alien polycule. I’m cracking up just contemplating it, it’s such a good dynamic! Especially with all the xenolinguistics and communication difficulty! 😂

I love how your Makaras are typically written as being on the absolute upper end of the troll height range, which it looks like is out beyond nearly all human outliers. It sort of sounds like the troll height distribution of your stories has a broader range in general than human heights? Or would you say that the average troll is taller than the average human, and the spread is comparable?

Hee, thank you very much! I think Dave definitely was feeling like a pretty cool dude who was totally chill about his boyfriend's weird alien stuff, but Karkat's a pretty entry-level alien as far as aliens go, lol. Turns out they also come in "7+ foot fish-goat-bug alien in clown paint" flavor.

RE: heights, I would say...hm. The average troll height is a little taller than the average human height, although the mode--sorry to break out math concepts haha--is about the same! Most trolls you meet are about normal human-sized. But I've had a long-time headcanon that trolls just continue to grow as long as they're alive, so very long-lived highbloods create dramatic outliers that bias the overall average upward! Average troll is over 6 feet is actually statistical error: Big Motherfucker Peixes, who has been growing for thousands of years and is the size of a truck, is an outlier adn should not have been counted haha

I will also say, on top of that, I think of my Tall Makaras as not even "the upper end of the range", but as outlying the range completely! Like, that at 15-20 sweeps, Gamzee is at the height that would be expected from a highblood several hundred sweeps his senior. And the GHB, at multiple hundreds of sweeps old, is bigger than literally anybody, and pretty much only matched by the Condesce, who's ridiculously old and has been growing the whole time like a lobster haha.

I find it very fun if all twelve of the main trolls we get in canon have like. Some form of mutation, or something outside of the norm about them--some of those are canon (Equius's strength, Nitram wings, Karkat's blood, Kanaya the rainbow drinker), and some of them are me having fun! And, y'know, making the Makaras big enough that even other trolls who are used to big highbloods see them and go (°ロ°)

[mickimagnum]

Devin's Dude Ranch: Episode Two (Part One)

Venessa: "Welcome all to Echo Valley Ranch. As you know, this will be your home for the duration of the challenge, or if Devin doesn't feel the connection, until you're eliminated. This is Devin's home, so we ask that you be respectful."

Venessa (continues): "The challenge will take place over 6 weeks and will include challenges that award solo dates with Devin. There will also be group dates and some short one-on-one time each week during cocktail parties prior to eliminations, so use your time wisely to try to get to know our Bachelorette and make that connection. Lastly, input from our audience can influence the outcome of the challenge through weekly polls, so it's important to make a good impression on them as well."

Venessa (continues): "But for tonight, you'll each get some special one-on-one time with Devin so you can get to know each other a little better. You've already made your first impressions. Now it's time to go a little deeper. You don't have a lot of time here, so make every moment together count. Devin?"

Devin: "I just want to thank each of you for being here. I know this is an unusual situation we've all put ourselves in, in the name of love, but I'm grateful to all of you for giving this, and me, a chance."

Devin (continues): "So, tonight, and really throughout this experience, just be yourselves. Don't hold back. Let's really get to know each other and see if we have that special connection we're all here looking for."

Devin (continues): "I'm excited to get to know all of you. Let's make this a fun, unforgettable experience, alright?"

*the guys cheer in response*

*as Venessa leaves Stan is the first on his feet and approaches Devin*

Stan: "You know, Ms. Delaney, we're the ones who should be grateful that you're giving us all a shot."

Devin: "Please, just call me Devin, Stan."

Stan: "Yes, ma'am...Devin," *grins to himself following his slip-up* "I was hoping to have a moment of your time. Maybe you could introduce me to your horse if it's not too much trouble?"

*A wide smile breaks out across Devin's face*

Devin: "I would love to. Follow me, she's right outside in the pasture."

*the camera cuts to Devin and Stan outside. Devin is affectionately cradling her horse's muzzle while Stan looks on, grinning.*

Devin: "This is Gale. And I don't want you to be jealous, but she's my original soulmate."

Stan: "Ah, that's alright. I wouldn't dream of coming between a woman and her horse. It's a sacred bond."

*At that, Gale plods toward James, lowers her head and nudges his shoulder*

Stan: "Well, howdy there, girl," *he begins scratching her neck, which Gale accepts readily*, "Oh, you like that, do ya?"

*Devin takes a step back and watches the two bond, clearly pleased by how quickly the two are taking to each other*

Devin: "You're good with her. You've spent some time around horses, haven't you?"

Stan: "Yessum. I have a ranch, too. I share it with my own girl. Her name's Nutmeg."

*Devin can't help but smile hearing his horse's name*

Devin: "Nutmeg? That is really cute."

*Stan chuckles*

Stan: "She is cute if I do say so myself. And a damn fine horse. Wanna see a picture of her?"

Devin: "Yeah! Of course I do!"

*Stan pulls his phone from his pocket, queues up a photo of Nutmeg, and shows it to Devin*

Devin: "Wow, she is impressive. She's a Nez Perce, right?"

Stan (impressed): "Good eye. She is."

Devin: "Do you compete or use her for ranch work?"

Stan: "Ah, just pleasure ridin' and ranch work, really. She does good helping me keep the goats in line...as much as anyone can."

*Devin looks up and smiles at Stan*

Devin: "Oh, you have goats?"

Stan: "Yeah. Dairy goats. Mischievous little things. But, I love 'em."

Devin: "My grandmother had goats when I was growing up. There was never a dull moment with them around. I don't know how many screen doors she had to replace over the years...anytime she was late feeding them, they'd start headbutting the heck out of that door because they knew it'd motivate her to do the right thing, as they saw it, anyway."

*Devin shakes her head and smiles in recollection*

*Stan chuckles*

*There is a moment of silence between them*

Stan: "Alright. You said you don't like boring and our time together here is, unfortunately, limited. So, let's cut to the chase. Tell me something weird about yourself."

*Devin looks bewildered for a moment before regaining her composure*

Devin: "Umm...okay," *pauses for a moment to think* "I saw a Bigfoot when I was fourteen."

*Stan looks stunned and staggers backwards for dramatic effect*

Stan: "What?! Alright, you can't just drop a bomb like that on someone and not tell them the full story!"

*Devin laughs and hides her face behind her hand*

Devin: "I can't believe I'm about to admit this on national TV."

*Stan moves closer to her and then waves the camera away*

Stan: "No, no. Just pretend like they're not there. I need to hear this. I've always been fascinated with the Sasquatch."

Devin: "Seriously?"

*Stan nods*

Stan: "Seriously."

*Devin draws in a deep breath and looks into his pleading eyes*

Devin: "Fine. Like I said. I was fourteen. My Dad, uncle, and I were riding through the mountains on horseback because we were going camping and it's the best way to get around up there. They were ahead me, by maybe a quarter of a mile. And then I saw it, as I was crossing a low river. It was just sitting on a rock, squatting next to the water, maybe 50 feet away from me. It looked like it was breaking apart clams or something. I stopped my horse in our tracks and just stared. And when it noticed me, it stood up, we made eye contact, and then it turned and walked off, disappearing behind some rocks. I'd never been so scared in my life. It was freaking HUGE. And it wasn't a person in a suit. And it wasn't a bear or a monkey or any of the common write-offs you hear about. It was Yeti Di Kluii."

Stan: "Yeti Di Kluii?"

Devin: "It's what my people call Bigfoot."

*Stan nods*

Stan: "Well, that, is an incredible story. I wish I'd seen it."

Devin: "It was life changing, but I don't tell people because most of them wouldn't believe me," *she pauses and smiles at Stan* "Alright, it's your turn."

Stan: "Well, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed after your weird fact, but...," *now he pauses to think* "I have a paralyzing fear of cowplants."

*Devin's mouth open, closes slightly, and she smiles*

Devin: "Oh, no! That's....so endearing. But also, understandable. I mean, they're aliens....that will eat you!"

Stan: "Exactly! They're not cute cuddly friends..."

Devin: "...Unlike goats."

Stan: "Well. I don't know you can exactly contrast the two."

*Both laugh in unison*

*as the laughter dies down, Devin sighs and glances back toward the house*

Devin: "Well, I suppose I should make my way back in there. Give these other fellows a chance to chat me up."

Stan: "I mean, you don't have to, do you?"

Devin: "It's probably in my contract in something."

Stan: "Well, if that's the case, I guess I'll let you get back to it. As always, it was a pleasure, Devin."

*he then leans forward and plants a kiss on her cheek*

Devin: "Until next time, cowboy."

*Devin turns and makes her way back into the house*

Stan (to Gale): "There she goes, girl. The woman of my dreams."

Stan (in diary room): *takes off his hat, runs his fingers through his hair, then shimmies it back onto his head* "I don't know what to say. Devin is a special girl. I've enjoyed every minute I've gotten to spend with her so far. I've never met a woman this easy to talk to. And I definitely feel a connection. Boy howdy, I hope she feels it too."

Devin (in diary room): "I like Stan. He's got this down-to-earth quality mixed with eccentricity that I find fascinating. And I do feel like we have a good connection; it feels easy. I'm just not sure yet if it's romantic or more on a friendship level. It worries me that we don't have a lot of time to figure it out. I guess we'll have to see what happens next, won't we?"

PREVIOUS | NEXT

James "Stan" and Nutmeg by @natolesims

[spacedhead]

HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)

this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!

the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....

the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.

GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY

roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later

of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad

here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks

side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break

meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)

okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.

anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.

ive always loved this shot

davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !

last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up

oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.

cool ass shot of these guys

oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?

to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does

i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!

anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?

roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.

this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!

its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.

look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!

this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.

:))))

it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)

LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL

a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D

LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY

THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE

do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them

holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska

look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.

oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story

IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK

well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it

heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that

it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much

okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D

overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......

thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun

p.s

im reading the epilogues. FUCK

[ohnotheybombadidnt]

Rufus Wainwright, you tricksy little minx. You're probably the only thing I love about this character. That song is an utter delight.

Okay. There was some more Tommy Boy in episode 6, but I’m also caught up, so this is going to be Tom-centric, but I’m gonna bitch about everything through episode 7.

Thoughts pertaining just to Tom:

I like seeing him guiding Gandalf, being careful to let him connect with nature because that's going to bring him to himself and allow his powers to blossom, pun intended. He could do a lil more but I'll take what I can get.

Boys being boys. Guys being dudes. They just seem to have camaraderie despite having just met, even though Tom is a snoozefest and in no way would I call the man "jolly." Y'all already know I don't think this humming with occasional words under his breath doesn't count. (I want "YOU CAN DRINK YOUR FANCY ALES! YOU CAN DRINK THEM BY THE FLAGON! BUT THE ONLY BREW FOR THE BRAVE AND TRUUUUE COMES FROM THE GREEN DRAGON!" That's a jolly song.)

Still gets points for the goats. Love me some goats.

Vanity Fair is trying to refer to him with "jolly songs and his flamboyant wardrobe." K. Bright blue jacket, check, yellow boots, NOPE. Those are DEFINITELY BROWN.

Article goes on to say: "He observes drama, but largely doesn’t participate in it." That's why he's never been in anything, ever. I disagree. I think he's that initial bolster, that catalyst, that thing that pushes people out of their comfort zone in a fun way, makes them feel competent and capable, and lends this hand from above that gets our characters in all timeframes to where they need to be and WHO they need to be to face what's coming. So, fuck you, Vanity Fair.

Tolkien basically said, yeah, he's God, but don't overthink it.

Article continues about actor playing TB: "Most actors who take on a well-known genre character claim to be experts in that character. Kinnear, in his first interview about playing Bombadil, admits that he…did not." SHOCKER! LET ME PICK UP MY JAW OFF THE FLOOR! No shit, my dudes. It shows. He's not a Tolkien guy, even if he is a Shakespeare guy. You're not fooling anyone.

"In fact, he was a Lord of the Rings novice before signing on to The Rings of Power. “There are people who knew it from the books, people who knew it from the films, and there are those who had managed to get to 46 without knowing that much about it at all,” the actor says. And I went downstairs to my partner, who did know the books, and does know the films, and I said, ‘I’ve been offered this part. Apparently it’s in the books. A guy called Tom Bombadil.’ She was like, ‘No way! You’re not playing Tom Bombadil!’ So I sort of knew instantly then that it had a cultural heft to it that I was going to have to be sensitive to.” (WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, AMAZON???!)

Forbes goes on to refer to him as a "...dime store Tom Bombadil." THANK YOU. Someone else knows what's up.

This Tom isn't concerned about the safety of Gandalf's friends. He's just like, welp, go fetch a stick to get magic or save lives. You choose. No way. Real Tom would have helped a little more than that, as uninvolved as he gets. AND THEN HE JUST GOES BACK INTO HIS LITTLE HOLE AND LEAVES GANDALF TO DECIDE. What is that? Go after her with no abilities, or try as fast as you can to find YOUR STAFF, gain magic, and save the girls. Guess who already has magic? TOM.

You know what Tom is interested in? The fate of Middle Earth. UNLIKE THE BOOKS. More interest in plot development than characters is absolutely right.

From a simple search I found out a lot more people than me are disappointed in a big way by this portrayal. That was encouraging.

On the series in general at this point (ep. 7):

Where. The Fuck. Is my Goldberry? FAIR RIVER DAUGHTER. SHOW YOURSELF. We heard your voice. We know you exist. Doing something weird and incorporeal is just going to make me mad but I have a feeling that's what's coming.

Halbrand/Sauron/Annatar. I just want to punch him in the face anytime he's on-screen. What he did to poor, regal Celebrimbor and beautiful Eregion, but we knew that was a matter of time. Poor little blonde girl eating it (Mirdania). Yeah. I saw that coming as soon as they were on that parapet with an aisle skinnier than a TJ Maxx during Christmas. But Elrond, your bro's mind has been fucked with a ton, so maybe don't put him right back in power as he kinda did let all this occur while he slaved away at the forge under Annatar's influence? Maybe do a little investigating to find out what all went down? Nah. He's gotta go put more product in his hair to keep those curls glistening. Never you mind that Frodo isn't our first nine-fingered friend in Middle Earth anymore.

Adar. I know he's important in the breeding of the Uruk-hai but at the same time, they did something VERY different with his face this season and it looks like a completely different person despite being the same actor and just. Ugh. He can go anytime. Also, he makes me feel bad for the orcs?

Galadriel let herself be caught. This is part of something bigger. I'm trying to will it to be. Because my girl is too badass to just get scooped by a band of orcs. When she and Elrond kiss, I think we all know it's him returning Nenya.

Dwarf vs. Dwarf in Khazad-dûm. Now they're openly talking (not naming but talking) about the Balrog that they'll undoubtedly set free if King Durin III keeps at it. Poor Princess Disa and Prince Durin IV are actually two of my favorites this season, whereas last season I was kinda neutral. I want to see them save their people, but I remember well... Gimli: "And they call it a mine. A mine!" Boromir: "This is no mine, it's a tomb!" So all I can hope for is that as many get out as possible before the Balrog emerges.

Arondir is my BOY. MY PRECIOUS LAD. He has had every kind of normalcy and the woman he loved taken from him, and her son being a little shit to him. He is a badass fighter out for kicking orc booty and I support him always. Poor guy goes through so much.

Numenor is a fucking mess and I'm glad we stayed out as much as possible. Began s1 not caring much for ruling Regent Tar-Míriel but now that the man with a Trump-sized mouth and a hell of a hairstylist that's her fucking COUSIN tried to seize the throne and she got him back in the MOST AWE-INSPIRING WAY, and saved Elendil while she was at it, nbd. And I don't like Elendil's daughter enough to even bother saying her name right. It's like all the vowels, so I just try saying all the vowels while eating and it sounds about right. She started all this by House of the Dragon-style being in the "right place" at the "right time" at the dying King's bedside (TO SKETCH HIM, LET'S REMEMBER. SHE IS NO POLITICIAN.) and wrongly puts things together and puts her poor honorable father into danger. Feed her to Cthulu next.

"Saruman" I'm guessing he is- just not doing it for me. I feel like his scenes are out of an entirely different show. I feel like I'm watching The Witcher or something. I know he'll fit at some point but he just doesn't yet and I'm not feeling him at all. And Tom apparently "trained him" ??? But won't teach Gandalf how to save the girls. That shit ain't canon.

So yes. I will keep watching. But still he remains, #notmytombom.

[advena87]

Kaer Morhen shenanigans (but mostly Lambert’s) part 8

Here is: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10 and Daily Lambert

also Keira & Lambert’s love story, Aiden & Lambert’s love story and… this.

.

Eskel: Can I keep this goat?

Vesemir: No.

Eskel: Why not? She’s so cute, I named her Lil’Bleater.

Berengar: Because she’ll hurt and annoy everyone.

Vesemir: And she will destroy everything.

Eskel: But you basically just described Lambert!

Geralt: He has a point. If we can keep Lambert we might as well keep the goat. She can't be worse than him.

Vesemir: It's hard to argue with this logic…

***

*brekfast*

Lambert: Give me a vodka on the rocks. 

Geralt: Lambert, it’s 7 in the morning. 

Lambert: And a piece of toast. 

 *a moment later*

Geralt: Eskel, we just ate. Why are you making pancakes?

Eskel: They’re for Lil’Bleater.

Berengar: Why are you making pancakes for goat?

Eskel: She doesn't know how.

***

Lambert: Um, guys?

Berengar: What now?

Lambert: Can animal breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Berengar:

Geralt:

Eskel:

Eskel: Where’s Lil’Bleater?!

*a moment later*

Berengar: *leaning against a wall with Geralt while they watch Eskel try to catch Lambert *

Berengar: Amazing.

Geralt: This is the worst chase I’ve ever seen in my life. How has Eskel still not caught him?

Berengar: Lambert is pretty fast, and if he caught him, he would probably kill him. Tbh I don’t think Eskel really wants to touch him. You never know where he’s been.

Lambert: Eskel, calm down! This goat was stinking, someone had finally wash her!

Eskel: YOU CAN RUN BUT ILL STILL BE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

***

Vesemir: I can’t believe how drunk you are!

Lambert: I am not drunk.

Vesemir: Yes you are!

Lambert: I am not!

Vesemir: Can you tell the time?

Lambert: Yes *turns to point at clock* I am not drunk!

Vesemir, pointing out of a window: Lambert, do you see that over there? Running between the trees?

Lambert, confused: No, I don't. What is it?

Vesemir, now looking directly at Lambert: It's my patience for your stupid drunk shit, running away from me again!

***

Berengar: Wow, I really like this new, abstract, surrealist, post-modern painting of this depressive and tormented person.

Lambert: Dude, that’s a mirror.

***

Berengar: The fact that I exist literally pisses me off sometimes.

***

Vesemir: What are the signs of teenage depression?

Geralt: Why are you asking?

Vesemir: Berengar was doing laundry earlier and he dropped a sock and I heard him say “why has the god forsaken me”.

***

Vesemir: Where's Berengar? I've been looking for him all day.

Eskel: He’s been in the shower.

Vesemir: All day?

Eskel: Pretty much. He takes really long showers when he gets depressed.

Vesemir: Well, when do you think he’s going to come out?

Eskel: I don't know. He took a chair in there.

*a moment later*

Vesemir and Eskel: *knocks on bathroom door*

Berengar: Who is it?

Eskel: It's us, we just wanna talk.

Berengar: How many of you are there?

Vesemir: Two.

Berengar: Then talk to each other.

***

Vesemir, calling Lambert: Hello.

Lambert: What?

Vesemir: Lambert, you should identify yourself when you answer the phone.

Lambert: Sorry.

Lambert: *thick sarcasm* The Kaer Morhen keep, major disappointment speaking.

Lambert: Better?

Vesemir: *sighs in defeat*

***

Lambert: Hey guys- Why are you all standing on table? Are you playing a game?

Geralt: Yeah, we’re playing “we saw a young arachnomorph in the castle and don’t know where the fuck it went”.

Lambert: *scrambles onto table*

***

Lambert: I’ll think of a plan, I’m the best at plans.

Eskel: No. You’re not.

Lambert: I am! Name one bad plan I’ve come up with.

Eskel: Blowing up the rock troll in the castle tower.

Berengar: Starting a bar brawl because you forgot your wallet.

Geralt: Ritualistically sacrificing Eskel.

Eskel: Putting Lil’Bleater into the washing machine.

Geralt: Throwing bombs inside the castle.

Berengar: Take fisstech and go hunting for a Water Hag in brothel.

Geralt: Ooh, so that's why they kicked you out of there!

Lambert: …

***

Vesemir: I'm disappointed

Lambert: And I'm tired of hearing this shit. You're disappointed? Let's think about it: Brengar has depression and suicidal thoughts, I have drinking problem and anger issues, Eskel's best friend is a goat, and Geralt is a slut.

Geralt: Wait, what?

Lambert: And tell me Vesemir, whose fault is that?

Vesemir: It's not your job to question my parenting methods.

Lambert: Why not? I find some of your methods highly questionable.

Geralt: I'm not a slut!

***

Geralt: Ok Lambert, we need you to distract the guards.

Lambert: Right.

Berengar: What are you gonna do?

Lambert: I'm gonna kill them. That ought to distract 'em.

Geralt: I said distract them, not cut them down!

Lambert: There is just no pleasing you sometimes.

Gerlat: Lambert!

Lambert: FINE. I'll take care of it. No killing, I promise.

*Lambert leaves*

Geralt: What do you think Lambert will do for a distraction?

Eskel: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and all the horses fled*

Berengar: ...or he could do that.

Geralt: …

Geralt: Fuck. It’s time for Plan B.

Berengar: We have a Plan B?

Geralt: No, but it’s time for one.

*meanwhile in another part of town, Vesemir on a date with countess Mignole*

Vesemir, to Mignole: Hah, look at those idiots getting chased by guards.

Vesemir: Wait.

Eskel, Geralt, Lambert & Berengar: *yelling in the distance*

Vesemir: SHIT- THOSE ARE MY IDIOTS

 *later*

Vesemir: I can’t come today, sorry.

Countess Mignole: Why not?

Vesemir: Geralt, Eskel, Lambert and Berengar are all in the hospital.

Countess Mignole: Oh my, what happened?

Vesemir: Varying degrees of idiocy.

***

Eskel: With all due respect Geralt, have you lost your fucking mind?

Geralt: That's with all due respect? And since when you use the fuck word?

Eskel: You took advice from Lambert?!

Berengar: It’s called hitting rock bottom, Eskel.

Geralt: It's called following Vesemir's directions. He always said: „In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a man named Lambert of Kaer Morhen, get his advice, and then do the opposite.”

Eskel: But you did exactly what Lambert told you!

Geralt: Because it was good advice.

***

Vesemir: Eskel wants to become a witcher when he grows up to kill monsters and help people in need. My other son, Lambert, wants to be a porcupine so he can stab people with his butt.

***

Vesemir, before the young witchers set off on their first independent journey: Eskel, you should look after Lambert.

Eskel: What do you mean? He's a witcher now.

Vesemir: That doesn’t mean he actually knows what he’s doing.

*later on the path during dinner*

Lambert: Okay, guys, who wanted the macaroni and bees?

Eskel: ...

Gerlat: You mean cheese?

Lambert, struggling to keep the bowl covered: That does make more sense, actually.

Eskel: I'm starting to understand what Vesemir meant.

***

Lambert: Your existence is confusing.

Vesemir: How so?

Lambert: Your presence is so fucking annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.

Berengar: It's called Stockholm syndrome.

Lambert: Ah yes, another issue on my long, long list.

Berengar: I think you may also have PTSD.

Lambert: Yeah I have PTSD.

Lambert: Proficient Talent for Sucking D-

Vesemir: WE ALSO need to talk about your use of humor as a coping mechanism.

***

Vesemir: Everyone always asks me how I handle running the witcher school.

Vesemir: The truth is, I don’t. I have no control over them whatsoever. This morning, Geralt called my name, and when I showed up to see what was going on, Lambert shot me in the throat with a slingshot.

.

[wesimpforxiao]

My Backstory (IRL)

Before I begin, if you want nothing to do with hearing about abusive relationships, possible eating disorder, anxiety disorders/depression/suicide, sexual assualt, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual harassment, etc, SKIP THIS POST.

So, I would like to start off by saying the NSFW content I *try* to write always falls stale, 1. being because I get embarrassed or ashamed by my writing my own thoughts, and 2. because of the rest of this post.  So the Albedo NSFW may not happen, but I asked just in case (i have some of it written out, but it is very stale).  And also because I may or may not have accidentally triggered a trauma response as I was writing the Albedo post (oops...)

To begin, freshman year of high school, 14 yrs old, (I’m 20 and in college now), I started dating this guy that was in my grade.  I have an anxiety disorder, so when we started going out, I immediately stopped eating because I constantly felt sick to my stomach.  It wasn’t because I thought I was fat or anything, I just felt sick.  Think butterflies in your stomach times 10 and ALL the time.  We dated for a month before he broke up with me.  During that time, he had suddenly brought up the idea of me sending nude or bra/undie pics to him.  Him and his friend (who was in the call with us) tag-teamed and said that it was normal and asked when I would be ready to send pictures.  Both of them asked that.  Red flag number one.  I said 3 months just to please them, not that I was actually going to do it.

Once he broke up with me, I was DEVASTATED. I feel A LOT, and it was my first ‘relationship.’ Exactly a month later, he texted me, saying he wanted to be friends.  I said okay.  He never acknowledged my presence at school, often avoiding my eyes.  Sometime into that he had asked me what I would do if he had asked me out again, and when I said I’d say yes, he immediately texted back and said “i am so sorry, my friend [insert name] was texting you on my phone and I didn’t know until now.”  Red flag number two.

Then, after we had stopped being friends, a month passes.  He texts me again, this time saying “It’s been 3 months.”  Yeah.  Did you read the part where I said I’d consider sending pictures at 3 months? That only applied if we were dating for that long (and I still wouldnt do that), so where is his logic?  Now, I don’t know why I even got back together with him, but I did.  For a week.  And just like the first time, I felt sick to my stomach.  I always look back on this as a warning from God.  And this time, he wasn’t hiding his intentions.  He was CONSTANTLY making sexual jokes, sending inappropriate emoji ‘jokes,’ and asking for nudes.  He did not stop asking even when I told him to, and even when I told him it made my stomachache worsen.  I did not trust him, but I stayed for a full week of hell.  Eventually I slightly caved, showing him on facetime me in my bra and underwear (My thinking: he couldn’t save pictures that way).  He covered his camera.  Did he take screenshots or something? I don’t know.  It was awful.  I kicked him to the curb the next day, still feeling like *I* should be the one apologizing.  He eventually “tried” to apologize thru text, but was too much of a coward to apologize in person when i requested that.  He says he had cancer or something, I honestly don’t care. His actions were inexcusable and it was pathetic that he used it as an excuse.

I hated him so strongly for the next 3-4 years, but the story doesn’t end there.  A new guy, senior, 17 yrs old.  End of my freshman year.  We get together.  He didn’t properly ask me out, just assumed we were dating after we confessed our feelings EVEN THOUGH I told him my dad said to wait 3 months.  Red flag number three.  So, by the bf’s standards, 6 months into the relationship, I stay over at his place for New year’s.  I will admit that we did stuff over the phone prior to then, but I consider to be fine with that timeline.  At some point while we were planning to do stuff (if ya know what I mean but NOT full on hoo-ha stuff okay) for New year’s, he said “Who knows, maybe we’ll get carried away ;)” Red flag number four.  This immediately made me uncomfortable, and I was not fully comfortable when the day came either.

We were making out (consensual, but I feel like i was forcing myself a bit), I let him touch me down *there* (which he sucked at lemme tell ya) (also it was fine when he touched me before this day), and then he asked to touch my chest.  *Previously, he had stated if i wasnt sure, hed touch over my bra first and go slow.  He did not do either, instead immediately slipping his hand under my bra.* That is when something inside me snapped, and I felt number than I already was. Red flag number five.

I didn’t stop him because I wanted to feel something, anything.  I got nothing.  And then came the time when he decided to say “Now its your turn,” grabbed my hand, and put it down his pants, ignoring me, who was saying “I don’t know how to, I’m not sure I want to.”  

I felt nothing for a few days, and then depression set in.  It didn’t feel connected to that incident, and i didn’t connect the dots until later.  It got so bad I had almost decided to kill myself three months later.  My anxiety was through the roof, and every day my trauma manifested itself in the question “Do I actually love him?”  It was a living hell to be inside my head all the time.  He at one point asked me “Are you sure you were okay with what happened on new year’s? You’re acting like you’ve been raped.”  When I said I wasn’t, he said “oh.” and we never talked about it again.

The relationship continued for another year despite my obvious depression and anxiety that revolved around him. He lied to me on several occasions, disregarded my boundaries (i.e. continued to make sexual jokes even though they clearly bugged me after the assault), and refused to get a job so he could smoke weed all day.  My parents urged him to prove himself (he was out of high school by this time), and when I eventually took their side and gently nudged him along, he said “You are in a relationship with me, not your parents.  Its either me or them.”  Red flags six through ten right there.

When I managed to break it off with him, a ‘friend’ apparently took his side.  This is the girlfriend in the “His Reaction to Your Ex(es)” post(s).  This friend was actually an adopted cousin of mine, and we were not on speaking terms at this point because she had taken my first bf’s side, saying that *I* had to forgive him and that I was in the wrong for not wanting to talk to him or accept his half-assed apologies. (She was not at our school during the time me and that guy dated so she literally knew nothing).  I cut her off because of that.  Turns out she had a massive crush on the dude and he was already taken by someone else.  

So, this same chick sides with the second bf, telling people that I’m the one who hurt him and whatnot.  I come to find out that him and her are now dating and honestly, it is hilarious.  Even I think she deserves better.  He has no future, and I came to realize that, knowing that if i stayed with him longer I would have 100% actually killed myself, or died spiritually.

So yeah, that’s my story, hopelessly in love with fictional characters now because I am too traumatized by what they have done.  I cannot be touched sexually without reverting to a depression or an anxious mess.  Even if I did manage to be in a relationship after that, I don’t think I’d ever be able to have sex with someone. And finally I cannot have a healthy relationship, because what is that, really?  I’m just gonna live alone with some goats LOL.

[365days365movies]

March 9, 2021: Orpheus (1950) (Part One)

Greek mythology was my first mythological love.

And yes, that is ironically a very cliché thing to say about Greek mythology, since it’s by FAR the most popular and well-known mythology in the Western world, but...what can I say, I’m a sucker for the classics.

When I was 6, my mom got me a copy of the Odyssey, followed by D’Aulaire’s Book of Greek Myths, and that book was my SHIIIIIIIIIIT. From the Titanomachy to the Trojan War, from Decaulion to Daedalus, from the Lernaean Hydra to Ladon, and from Zeus to Dionysus (my second favorite Olympian), I LOVE Greek mythology.

There have been countless adaptations of these stories over the last century of so, some better and more faithful than others. We got Blood of Zeus (which I...genuinely dislike) on Netflix last year, Lore Olympus is a fantastic webcomic and modernized retelling of the universe of stories in general (fuck Apollo, that’s all I have to say), Hercules by Disney is fun (though extraordinarily inaccurate), and who doesn’t like some Percy Jackson (the books, not the movies)?

Today’s entry won’t be the first of the Greek mythology stories this month; after all, it’s DEFINITELY fantasy, so there were going to be a few entries in here. Some will come pretty close to each other later this month, but for this one, we’re jumping forward 10 years from The Thief of Bagdad to 1950. Let’s get back to France, shall we?

Famous for his adaptation of Beauty and the Beast is Jean Cocteau, legendary French surrealist filmmaker. His stylings definitely capture a sort of practical magic, compounded with clever angles and fascinating visual and practical effects. It’s evident with the classic fairy tale, which I would’ve done this month had I not already seen it. So, instead, we’ll be looking at the middle film in a trilogy known as Cocteau’s Orphic trilogy. This is, apparently, the most important one. And that makes sense, since it’s focused upon...

Is Hadestown good? I’m real tempted to find a way to watch it, and it sounds like it’s just up my alley. I’ll probably check it out one of these days.

Orpheus was (maybe) the son of Calliope, the muse of poetry, and Apollo, god of music. Maybe. Parentage differs based on the retelling. No matter the parents, he was renowned for his charm and grace, as well as his voice and music. He was loved by animals, nymphs, and maidens alike. He was invited to be the Bard of Jason’s DnD group (AKA the Argonauts), and used Bardic Performance to inspire his comrades (and also helped them overcome the sirens by singing EVEN LOUDER).

But the one whom he loved most was his wife, Eurydice. Unfortunately, a satyr (AKA horny horned half-goat man) chased her right into a viper’s nest, where she was bitten and died. Orpheus was CRUSHED, and his song was so depressing that even the gods cried. They said, “Dude, go to the Underworld, get back your lady from Hades, please!” And he did.

Hades, the old romantic that he secretly is, agrees to let Eurydice’s soul, on one condition. That he doesn’t look back at her as she follows him out. Orpheus agrees, but the man can’t stop himself from looking back to make sure that she’s there. And she was...and then she wasn’t. So, our sad boi fucked up, and then...well, it’s spotty. 

See, some people say that he stopped worshipping Dionysus (his previous patron), and the wine boi’s female followers tore Orpheus to pieces as punishment. Some say that these same women got a liiiiiiiiiittle too into the Bacchanalia (think orgies, but religious and violent), and ripped him apart in a frenzy. And some say that he only took male lover from then on, and women tore him to pieces for not paying attention to them (also, possible homophobia). You know, it varies. Still, we can agree on the ripped apart by women thing. His head could still sing, and as the women threw his body parts into a river, it sang a song so beautiful that the rocks and branches in the river refused to strike it. His instrument of choice, a lyre, was eventually interred amongst the stars as the constellation Lyra.

The story of a pained artist searching for a lost love and losing her is all over the goddamn place, with the crazy-ass Moulin Rouge being a solid example of it.

But OK, let’s finally begin Orpheus, or Orphée to be more accurate. Gonna be a weird ride, I guarantee it. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

The story starts with a recap of the original myth, and notes that it doesn’t need to be limited  by time and place. This sort of story, after all, could happen anywhere and at any time. And in this case, that time and place are 1950s-era France, where we quickly meet famous poet Orpheus (Jean Marais).

At a café, he meets a friend, the Editor (Henri Crémieux), where they speak on Orpheus’ fame, which is not well-liked in a cafe frequented by poets. Also arriving there is a young drunken poet, Jacques Cégeste (Édouard Dermit), who is accompanied by his patron, known only as...the Princess (María Casares). Come on, guys, can we give our female characters names, please?

Anyway, Jacques quickly gets into a drunken brawl with other patrons, which leads to the arrival of the police at the café. They forcefully arrest him, but before they can, he’s hit by a couple of motorcycles, and potentially killed. The police bring Jacques back to the Princess’ car, with the help of her driver Heurtebise (François Périer). For unknown reasons, she summons Orpheus to help them. He agrees, and goes with them to the hospital.

Or he would be, if they were going there. Instead, as they drive off, Orpheus discovers that Jacques is dead already. They aren’t going to the hospital. Instead, they head to a mysterious mansion, as ominous and oblique poetry plays on the radio. They’re soon accompanied by the men on the motorcycles that killed Jacques, who work for the Princess. The plot fuckin’ THICKENS.

Back at her mansion, they bring the body of Jacques upstairs, much to the confusion of Orpheus, whom the Princess keeps calling stupid whenever he asks questions. However, he’s not proving her wrong, as she immediately convinces him that she’s actually dreaming at the moment. Although...maybe he is?

She sits in front of a mirror, which breaks...somehow. Frustrated, she commands Orpheus to wait there for her to return, as she goes to check on Jacques and her men. Like me, Orpheus is confused. This gets worse for me, though, as the Princess goes to the other room and tells the dead Jacques to get up. AND HE DOES. Well, Jacques’ a zombie, I guess. He identifies the Princess as “his Death”, which she agrees to. She tells him to hold on to her coat, and then...

...I got questions. I GOT QUESTIONS HERE.

They go through the mirror, and the Princess’ henchmen follow, just as Orpheus walks in. He also has questions, and he tries to go through the mirror, to no avail. Completely confused at this point, he passes out against the mirror, alone in the mansion. And then...he’s outside.

Yeah, he’s just outside now, and waiting there is Heurtebise, the chauffeur! Orpheus is freakin’ out, and Heurtebise has no answers for him, but has been told to take him back to town once he...arrived. OK. Still questions.

In town, the disappearance of Orpheus is being discussed by a police inspector, his wife Eurydice (Marie Déa), and her friend Aglaonice (Juliette Gréco). Aglaonice doesn’t seem to like Orpheus very much, as she’s trying to convince Eurydice that he’s cheating on her. And that’s hard to argue, since he was last seen with the Princess. However, just as there’s about to be a scandal reported by a spontaneously appearing journalist, Heurtebise and Orpheus arrive home.

After a rough encounter with the journalist, he arrives home to a relieved Eurydice, and an enraged Aglaonice, whom Orpheus also dislikes heavily. He’s apparently forbidden her from entering his house, and tells her off. The Inspector leaves too, and asks Orpheus to come to his office to discuss the matter of the missing Jacques.

Eurydice reminds Orpheus that Aglaonice is dangerous, as she runs...the League of Women. Well...I think we know what role Aglaonice is going to play by the end of this. Her and her League of Bacchanalian Women, get me? Yikes. Anyway, the conversation turns into an argument, when the EXTREMELY ornery Orpheus basically just storms off, being a DICK to his poor wife. And when he goes upstairs to his room, he actually sneaks out of the window.

Meanwhile, Heurtebise comes into the house to offer an alibi to the pained Eurydice. While she doesn’t quite believe it, the two share some time together and seem to bond. However, when he smells gas from the stove, Heurtebise lets it slip that he committed suicide by using a gas stove. He covers it up before Eurydice notices the slip-up, but...OK. So, “the Princess” is death. Going by the traditional Greek myth, she’s some form of psychopomp, and the world beyond the mirror is the Underworld, I can only assume. OK...I can dig it.

Orpheus, meanwhile, is at the car, listening to the strange radio poetry and writing it down. The, uh, “Princess” is busy as well. Like a ghost, she walks into the household and watches Orpheus as he sleeps. A narration refers to her as Orpheus’ death. Funny, I’m pretty sure that’s going to be Aglaonice’s role.

Two days later, Orpheus is increasingly obsessed with the poetry from the mysterious radio and its odd messages. While Eurydice seems to mock this obsession, Orpheus also seems to be far too enraptured in it. But, interestingly, the messages seem to be coming from nowhere known. However, it’s all beginning to affect their marriage greatly.

On the phone, the Inspector comes calling, and Eurydice asks Heurtebise to answer the phone. He does so, and soon after, we see the phone float into place, as if placed there by a ghost. That’s confirmed as Heurtebise phases to the outside from nothing, where he meets Orpheus and informs him of the message. The two decide to head to the Inspector in his car, rather than the mysterious talking car.

While Orpheus goes through town, looking for the Princess rather than the Inspector, there’s something that I wanted to mention here. Call it an interpretation. Apparently, Heurtebise is often considered an angel by critics and interpreters. However, I’m gonna suggest that he’s actually supposed to be a representation of Hermes, the messenger god and a psychopomp who escorted souls to the Underworld. Not sure about the Princess yet, but Cocteau apparently never meant for her to be portrayed as actual death. Interesting.

Meanwhile, at the Inspector’s office, both Aglaonice and Orpheus’ poet friends (supposedly) are accusing Orpheus of being involved in Jacques’ disappearance. The Inspector turns them away, just as Heurtebise and Orpheus reconvene in town. While Orpheus didn’t find the Princess, Heurtebise says that she came by, saying that he could stay with the married couple for now.

Speaking of the Princess, we see her at night, staring over Orpheus. And her eyes are...strange. They seem artificial, and it bothers the EVER-LOVING SHIT out of me. And the whole affair isn’t helping Eurydice either, as she’s tired of Orpheus’ obsession with the car, and is planning on going to Aglaonice for advice. Heurtebise tries to stop her from doing so, but she insists. But when she goes...the motorcyclists come for her. And she’s dead. As proven when the Princess arrives through the mirror.

Alongside her comes Jacques, acting as the Princess’ servant. She notes to him that their work isn’t easy, and couldn’t be done if she were dressed in the way the humans portray her. So, she is seemingly Death, or at least an aspect of Death. Obviously, as we’re talking about the Greek story, we can assume that she’s meant to be Hades in particular. But, we’ll see. It’s also confirmed, by the way, that the mysterious messages are indeed Jacques’ poetry, recited by him on the radio waves from beyond the grave. Neat.

Heurtebise is clearly upset with what’s just happened to Eurydice. He asks if the Princess actually had orders to kill Eurydice. She avoids the question, and guesses correctly that Heurtebise has fallen in love with Eurydice. He confirms this, and counters with the fact that the Princess has seemingly fallen in love with ORPHEUS. The plot fucking THICKENS.

Good place to pause, I think. Halfway mark and all. See you in Part Two!

[barrybluejeansandbestjeanist]

Notes on the Artemis Fowl movie by yours truly.

Bear in mind I wrote these while watching the movie. There’s a lot of them.

1. If you think the police and/or reporters would ever be anywhere near fowl manor you’re wrong.

2. Mulch isn’t bad so far but he’d never be caught by police. 

3. Is our first introduction to Artemis him running? I think not thank you very much. 

4. Plus it looks like he’s going to do some water sport. Also wrong.

5. Surfing!!??!!?

6. Artemis doesn’t have even close to the coordination to do that.

7. I don’t even think he knows how to swim. 

8. He doesn’t love Ireland.

9. Of course he doesn’t love school! Have you seen his teachers’ remarks on him? They aren’t nice.

10. It was a boys-only school but that’s definitely one of the smaller offenses.

11. He did do the chess thing if I recall correctly.

12. Same for the opera house.

13. He didn’t clone a goat or name anything Bruce.

14. Unusual is an understatement. 

15. Dr. Po?!

16. Fake chair! Yeah!

17. That exchange from the Arctic incident wasn’t a bad choice to include. Too early though I think. We’ll see how the rest of the movie goes. 

18. He’s got blue eyes. At least there’s that.

19. He doesn’t have a biography!

20. His mom isn’t dead! Disney is just scared of showing mental illness.

21. If you think Angelina Fowl can’t control Artemis you’re wrong. She calls him Arty for god’s sake. He loves his mom.

22. Mysterious absences my ass. He’s the one that should be presumed dead.

23. “This is a sensitive area doctor” sure.

24. Fake chair ftw. 

25. The burden of his father’s name?! He’s proud of that name.

26. This scene wasn’t so bad. We’ll see how the rest of the movie fairs.

27. Who does he think he is? He Artemis freaking Fowl!

28. Skateboarding! I’m about to have an aneurysm.

29. Also, why is he wearing jeans? Get this man a suit!

30. He did not like being at home with his dad. Not in the first book anyway. His parent being out of the way allowed him to do what he did.

31. His dad’s actor looks good for the part.

32. His father is a criminal. World-famous. He did not just deal with antiques and rarities.

33. His dad also didn’t care for fairytales.

34. Music’s nice I guess. 

35. Why is arty wearing a hoodie?! He would never!

36. Artemis was not taught about fairies. He discovered them himself with basically no help.

37. So much physical contact between Artemis sr. and jr. No.

38. His dad did not believe in any such legends.

39. They shared only a passion for crime and that didn’t even last.

40. He wasn’t determined about any such thing. See point 36.

41. He wasn’t preparing Artemis for anything like that.

42. Fairy stones? What are those?

43. There was no peace made between humans and fairies.

44. Tuatha De Danaan? What is that?

45. Artemis would want to get to the point I guess.

46. His work was not coming to an end. What is going on? Can we meet Holly soon?

47. I’m ten minutes in and suffering.

48. Artemis wasn’t really one to smile unless things were going his way.

49. You are a child! You are still a kid! You’re like a literal baby still!

50. The whole point of him being 12 in the books was that he could still believe in magic as well as science. Wtf is going on?

51. I do know the Hill of Tara.

52. I take issue with “all I really want is to believe in you” but I don’t have time to get into it here.

53. He’s still wearing a hoodie. >:(

54. Hugging his dad. No.

55. I will accept the helicopter on the front lawn if only because it seems one thing that could’ve happened in the books. 

56. Where are the Butlers? Why are neither of the fowls being guarded? I need more Juliet and Butler in this movie NOW.

57. And Holly.

58. Pretty sure they don’t have a lighthouse. Also, pretty sure fowl manor wasn’t next to the ocean.

59. Might’ve been near a Forrest. I don’t quite remember.

60. Legos?! LEGOS?!??!!

61. Also, star wars? I don’t think Artemis has ever seen a sci-fi movie. He’s too busy making them a reality.

62. Artemis would also not sleep with a book.

63. Why did Butler’s name in the subtitles appear as Domovoi? You know there’s a whole thing about his name and why Arty doesn’t know it right?

64. So his dad disappeared. Not bad. A little late but okay.

65. Everyone has already aired their grievances about Butlers actor so I shall refrain from doing so as well. I’ll just say one word and leave it at that. Eurasian.

66. Also, fowl manor doesn’t look bad. I can accept this house.

67. No no no. No one should be calling him Domovoi. Only Butler.

68. Also, that isn’t the training he had.

69. He is the butler though? I mean. Only sort of but like. ???

70. No. You could not call him Dom or Domovoi. 

71. Very large man in a suit is slightly acceptable.

72. He could totally snap you in half but not without good reason. Come on, guys. He’s a nice guy. Scary, but nice.

73. Like, the dude cooks and gardens and whatnot. How is that not nice?

74. Also, I’m still hung up on the goat thing. Like I don’t deny that he could clone a goat but why on earth would he name it Bruce. Is it a Batman reference or something? I don’t understand this movie.

75. World wide manhunt? Pardon my doubt.

76. Superyacht? Owl star?

77. I get it. It’s a stupid pun.

78. I guess the South China Sea is close enough to Russia.

79. Again. Not an antiquities dealer.

80. Robberies? He ran a criminal empire!

81. Not sure how one would go about stealing the Rosetta Stone or why but sure.

82. I’ve never even heard of Boru’s Harp.

83. Nor the book of kells.

84. Why are you calling Butler Dom???

85. Yes! He is a criminal mastermind! Thank you for slightly acknowledging that!

86. Also, Artemis is not that rash.

87. He’s your dad and a criminal.

88. Why must Disney do this to my boy? He was an incredible character, smart, cunning, and a criminal and now he’s just a sort of smart kid. Lame.

89. I swear if this “raspy voice” is opal I will be so disappointed.

90. What is this? Artemis is supposed to be kidnapping fairies, not the other way around!

91. What is this Aculos and why should I care about it?

92. Also, why isn’t it Christmas? You could at least set it in winter. For crying out loud.

93. That isn’t word for word Artemis. I know you can remember it exactly.

94. I’m starting to think Orion is better than this fool.

95. Why is he wearing a hoodie?!??!???!

96. Just going to have a secret basement full of whatever secret stuff shoved in there because of course.

97. Also. As if butler would know about any of this.

98. Bunch of bottles of water. Okay.

99. ‘Cause Artemis Sr. totally knew about the fairies. 

100. This is a stupid basement.

101. I’m so done with this.

102. Ah yes! An important journal! Predictable.

103. Stupid poem. Stupid way of finding the journal.

104. That was opal I see. I’m dying.

105. Beechwood. Isn’t that guy related to Holly or something? Also, not from the books.

106. Yes, Arty fairies exist. Surprising no one.

107. I like how they made the city look I suppose. And they kept the name the same. Of course, it must be noted that not all fairies live in haven. There are other cities.

108. Why is holly a baby? She shouldn’t look like a child. Also, tons of people have already spoken on holly’s appearance as well so I won’t say anymore.

109. Koboi mentioned. It was totally opal.

110. The fairies don’t look bad either. Though I don’t know if the little things are supposed to be goblins or what?

111. I guess not. These goblins also seem way too smart.

112. “You and I would make a great team” foreshadowing.

113. I do think mulch being taller is kinda funny.

114. Briar Cudgeon looks about how I expected. Do you think he’ll get his face melted?

115. Opal and Cudgeon working together. Unsurprising if a bit early.

116. You spy or you die. The CIA’s motto.

117. L.E.P. Recon. Nice.

118. I’m also not going to address the changing of roots gender and the fact that Holly is supposed to be the first female officer because again, many people have spoken at length about that. Still upset though.

119. Kelp and Verbil are around I see.

120. What is the Aculos? Like I get that it’s a weapon by why should I care?

121. Also, I think Root should be smoking.

122. Holly’s father? Why should he matter or even be a part of this?

123. They kept Holly 84. Good.

124. Reinforcements? Juliet?!!!!

125. She’s 12? She’s supposed to be sixteen! No!

126. Niece!!!! She’s supposed to be his sister.

127. Also, screw Disney for changing the fairy alphabet so we can’t read it.

128. Artemis should be able to decode it though. He’s not much of a genius, is he?

129. Foals needs a tinfoil hat and should look way way nerdier.

130. Troll! Time! Yeah!

131. Yeah! Lava chutes!

132. Foaly’s CGI is a little wonky but whatever.

133. So that’s why Holly’s father is important. Stupid.

134. The executors. You mean the council.

135. Don’t just fly over the surface unshielded, you dolt!

136. Butler your camouflage sucks ass.

137. Butler wouldn’t complain.

138. Butler’s eyes are freaking me out. No one’s eyes look like that.

139. The LEP helmets are stupid looking.

140. That isn’t what a troll looks like. Stop it, Disney.

141. Time Stop. Not a time freeze.

142. The magic looks cool.

143. That’s not how a time stop works. But at least it looks cool.

144. I suppose I can accept that’s how they do mind wipes.

145. “This is a strange wedding” is the best joke so far.

146. Why are none of the fairies shielded?

147. Holly has such boring motivation.

148. You shouldn’t just read your dad’s journal Arty. It’s rude.

149. I’m so over arty’s dad already knowing about the fairies as well as this beechwood fellow.

150. Why does this Aculos exist? If it’s so dangerous, why not get rid of it?

151. Opal Koboi. Finally. 

152. Like Arty would ever dress like that. He’d still be wearing a suit and be spotless.

153. “They’re real.” No kidding!

154. Fox!

155. I’m surprised they included trying and succeeding to shoot holly.

156. Kinda wish they’d kept the bury an acorn to get magic thing but small fish and all.

157. Now it’s starting to remind me of the real Artemis Fowl story.

158. Cudgeon is slimy and annoying and I’m here for it.

159. That’s a shitty looking cage.

160. “Not happy” I wonder why?

161. Reflective glasses! Yes! Give me the fowl crew in cringey reflective sunglasses.

162. The Mesmer is done nicely. Love Juliet’s glasses.

163. A flannel and reflective sunglasses. That classic Artemis fowl look.

164. So he did decode their language.

165. The acting isn’t terrible. 

166. Most humans are afraid of gluten how do you think they’d handle goblins is a good line.

167. Again. Not how time stops work but okay.

168. So let me get this right. Instead of the fairy bible which Artemis poisoned a fairy to get they just replaced it with his dad‘s journal. great.

169. Don’t give Artemis a weapon! He’s gonna cut his own arm off!

170. The time freeze does look cool though.

171. I can appreciate them gathering on the beach. That’s kinda cool.

172. Finally a suit! Get this kid properly clothed!

173. Though that tie is a little sus. Why’s it so skinny?

174. That fight scene wasn’t too bad. Again Arty is definitely not supposed to be good at anything physical but it’s whatever.

175. Flair for the dramatic? This is hardly as dramatic as the book.

176. I hate opal’s voice.

177. Waged war on your people? That was 10,000 years ago!

178. Opal’s motives are also super boring.

179. I’m sad we don’t get to see arty practicing his evil smile in the mirror.

180. In one of those pots. From under the rainbow. Fun.

181. Glad they kept the whole while I’m alive stipulation. 

182. Glad to see the goblins still have fire powers.

183. These goblins really shouldn’t be so smart.

184. I hope we get to see mulch unhinge his jaw soon.

185. I do like mulch.

186. This heart to heart is stupid. Artemis wouldn’t trust holly just like that me thinks.

187. I like that mulch is up on all the human pop culture. I do wish he’d make a Gordon Ramsey reference though since he likes him.

188. Mulch not wanting to be tall is excellent character motivation though.

189. Now this is the heart to heart I needed.

190. Is he gonna unhinge his jaw?! I’ve been waiting for this the whole time!

191. Yeah!!!!!!

192. Eat that dirt!

193. Mulch!

194. “What would your parents be?”

195. A really really big dwarf.

196. Sick safe. Nothing mulch can’t handle.

197. That definitely isn’t what I expected from mulch’s hair but that’s okay.

198. Yeah! Holly punched Artemis! Now there just needs to be a lollipop remark.

199. Is that the Aculos? It looks stupid.

200. Also, I do appreciate the inclusion of the iris cam.

201. Opal, you’re so boring.

202. Cudgeon is taking over. Kinda wish it was of his own will because that’s more interesting but whatever.

203. Troll time part two. I doubt butler is going to almost die fighting it. Maybe he’ll wear a suit of armor though. That’d be cool.

204. How is it we’re an hour in and only just now get a d’arvit? Surely many other scenes warranted that.

205. I do like that mulch pickpocketed butler.

206. Don’t just stand in front of the door when A Troll is about to be sent in!

207. The wings do look really cool though.

208. Also, Juliet really shouldn’t be trying to fight a troll.

209. I mean. None of them should but you know.

210. Mulch eating the Aculos is very in character. I’m glad Artemis’s bedroom is being destroyed. It was terrible.

211. While I don’t care for the way the troll looks (Far too human, not enough claws and venom) the amount of destruction it’s causing is appropriate I feel.

212. I guess that’s how the fight can go. 

213. Also, Juliet is so smart and strong yet she can’t pull herself over a ledge? Pathetic.

214. Don’t move butler to a completely different room! He’s got a back injury! You probably just made it worse!

215. Butler isn’t going to die. This is stupid. 

216. Trouble doing the lords work. 

217. I told you butler would be fine.

218. One of the times Butler would nearly die. If we’re following the books then more should follow.

219. Also what is this room they’re in?

220. Butler would not be ashamed to cry.

221. I’m living for everyone’s reactions to where mulch stored the Aculos.

222. I like the way it looks when they get grabbed by the time stop. 

223. She’s gonna save Artemis. Obviously.

224. I like the way it looked when the time stop broke.

225. “Breaking every rule in the book” we haven’t even seen your book! Just his dad’s stupid journal.

226. He and holly should not be friends yet. He kidnapped her!

227. Ooh, forever friends how sweet! Get fucked. Both of you.

228. Now are we in Russia?

229. Opal annoys me so much.

230. So are you trying to tell me that this Aculos is the movie’s version of the book? Holly’s saying that poem.

231. This isn’t how magic is supposed to work.

232. >:(

233. I will admit it looked cool. Begrudgingly.

234. Your dad isn’t dead.

235. He’s in the secret basement that still exists for some reason.

236. Also, I didn’t note this before, but I doubt Arty ever called his dad, dad.

237. Opal is thwarted. 

238. Why she so ugly looking? Pretty sure she was supposed to be pretty.

239. This is so stupid.

240. Opals accomplices, you mean those two dunderheads she had helping her?

241. How are there still fifteen minutes of this torture left?!

242. Again. Butler would not be ashamed to cry.

243. Just wait until Artemis gets magic of his own.

244. I’m so tired. It’s 12:14 at night and I just want this torture to end. Please god just let the credits roll already!

245. And now they’re famous. Whoop de do. Just tell us how mulch gets captured and escapes and end the movie. That’s all I ask.

246. You know he hasn’t been referred to as Artemis Fowl the Second throughout this whole disaster. What a slight to him.

247. Ray bans.

248. Oh yeah. Brag to opal. Great idea. 

249. Criminal mastermind. Juvenile Genius. Same difference.

250. Why is his tie so skinny? 

251. Is he gonna fly the helicopter?! Finally something in character!

252. Now just let mulch escape and finish this godforsaken nightmare!

253. Fowls? Protecting us? Pardon me while I laugh.

254. They do the unhinging of mulch’s jaw nicely.

255. And now they mission impossible him out of there. Perfect.

256. I’m dying. Let it be over. Please.

257. No more!

258. Fly off into the sunset. Of course.

259. Thank god! Credits! I’m free!

260. And another thing! They didn’t have the follow-up scene with Dr. Po! That would’ve been a way better ending! And you can’t just have one scene without the other!

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

[aion-rsa]

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There’s an overwhelming amount of new movies and TV shows hitting streaming services this fall. If you’re starving for new content, it’s set to be a fantastic time, but if your wallet is starving for funds, it can be pretty stressful. With studios and content providers spreading their libraries out across so many different streaming services, keeping up with all of your favorites can get expensive. Thankfully, Plex TV is here to keep you entertained without breaking the bank.

Plex is a globally available one-stop-shop streaming media service offering thousands of free movies and TV shows and hundreds of free-to-stream live TV channels, from the biggest names in entertainment, including Metro Goldwyn Mayer (MGM), Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution, Lionsgate, Legendary, AMC, A+E, Crackle, and Reuters. Plex is the only streaming service that lets users manage their personal media alongside a continuously growing library of free third-party entertainment spanning all genres, interests, and mediums including podcasts, music, and more. With a highly customizable interface and smart recommendations based on the media you enjoy, Plex brings its users the best media experience on the planet from any device, anywhere.

Plex releases brand new and beloved titles to its platform monthly and we’ll be here to help you identify the cream of the crop. View Plex TV now for the best free entertainment streaming and check back each month for Den of Geek Critics’ picks!

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DEN OF GEEK CRITICS’ PICKS

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

They’re the world’s most fearsome fightin’ team. They’re heroes in a half-shell and they’re green. I mean, what more do we need to say? 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is no Citizen Kane, but comic book movie fans flock to it like the four titular turtles to pizza. The film knows exactly what it is, providing cheesy one-liners, silly action, and unpretentious fun. Throwing in Will Arnett as a sidekick for April O’Neil was an inspired choice that paid dividends in laughs and whoever tapped Tony Shaloub to voice Splinter should get a pay raise. Produced by Nickelodeon Pictures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wasn’t only the highest grossing film in the series, but also the highest grossing Nickelodeon film of all-time. This reboot of the classic ninja team helped spawn further films, new TV series, and a renewed interest in one of the most beloved comic book properties ever. Cowabunga, dude!

Noah

This isn’t your Sunday School’s Noah. Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of the story of the biblical figure Noah is an awe-inspiring epic that takes the bones of the famous story and infuses themes about environmentalism, self-doubt, and yes, faith. Pulling liberally from texts like the Book of Enoch, the film has far more action than just leading animals onto a boat and a storm. Shot by Matthew Libatique, the movie looks absolutely gorgeous and at times can be genuinely breath-taking, but it’s not just about the visuals. Russell Crowe stuns in the title role, but the entire ensemble is great, including a post-Potter Emma Watson and a ferocious Ray Winstone. No one expected Noah to be more akin to a thought-provoking art house film than a straight-forward epic, but that’s the sort of genius you get from Aronofsky, one of the most exciting and inventive filmmakers working today. 

Shine a Light

Even if we hadn’t just lost the immortal, suave Charlie Watts, the heartbeat of rock and roll’s longest institution, The Rolling Stones, we’d still be recommending Martin Scorsese’s Shine a Light. Capturing the legendary band during their A Bigger Bang Tour in 2006, Scorsese spends a lot of the time rightfully focusing on Watts. With the camera fixated on Watts, you witness his unflappability; the way that he can make such raucous playing look so effortless. You also catch the man’s unique, jazz-influenced technique, like how he rarely hits the center of his snare, or how he changes his grip whenever he hits a cymbal. Even in their old age, the Stones are still one of the tightest, most electrifying live acts, and Shine a Light puts you right on stage with them as they barrel through one of the deepest catalogs in recorded music. It’s simply a masterful concert film.

The Virgin Suicides

Sofia Coppola likely has to deal with accusations about nepotism to this day, but anyone who saw her directorial debut The Virgin Suicides knows that Francis’ daughter would have made it as a filmmaker even without her famous last name. This haunting adaptation of Jeffrey Eugenides’ novel of the same name taps into the melancholy of childhood, the dreamlike haze of memory, and the mystery that lurks inside suburban homes. Coppola expertly captures the pull that an ethereal group of sisters have on the imaginative group of boys that pine for them in a way that is relatable for anyone that had an unrequited crush in high school. As a coming-of-age movie, it is one of a kind. As an exploration of trauma and grief, it is crushingly effective. The original score by the band Air only adds to its hypnagogic vibe. 

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School

Punk rock music and Roger Corman pictures are some of the core tenants that Den of Geek was founded on, so of course we’re going to recommend 1979’s Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, which features possibly the coolest band of all-time, The Ramones. Let our resident punk rock movie expert Jim Knipfel break it down for you:

“After producing so many dozens of teen rebellion films over the years, Corman finally hit the pinnacle, the ultimate teen rebellion picture, with the cartoon antics ratcheted up more than a few notches. There are so many bad jokes flying around, so many visual gags and film references packed into every scene, so many overwrought teen film clichés pushed way past absurd, it’s a film that demands multiple viewings. Even if “Riff Randall, rock ’n’ roller” (P.J. Soles) doesn’t look much like any punk chick I ever knew, I’m perfectly willing to accept it. And in historical terms, it really was this film more than the 4 albums they had out at the time that spread the word about The Ramones to mainstream America, and that’s worth something. Old as I am I still get a thrill every time the students and the Ramones blow up Vince Lombardi High, and anyone who doesn’t must be wrong in the head somehow.”

New on Plex in September:  

1000 Times Good Night 

13 

13 Assassins 

The Accidental Husband 

All Good Things 

Assassination of a High School President 

Awake 

Bent 

Bordertown 

Brain Dead 

Cold Mountain  

The Descent 

The Descent Part 2  

Even Money 

Fear City 

First Snow 

Freedom Writers  

Gray Matters  

The Jesus Rolls 

Johnny Was  

Keys to Tulsa  

The Legend of Bagger Vance  

Mad Money 

Marrowbone 

Murder on the Orient Express 

The Ninth Gate 

Nothing but the Truth  

Ordinary People 

Rememory  

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School  

Sanctuary  

Shine a Light  

Soul Survivors  

Taboo  

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  

The TV Set  

The Virgin Suicides  

What Doesn’t Kill You  

Winter Passing  

World Trade Center  

Catch before it leaves in September: 

31 

Absolution  

Accident Man  

Aeon Flux 

After.Life 

Angel of Death 

Answer Man 

The Bang Bang Club 

Battle Royale 

Blood and Bone 

The Broken 

Cashmere Mafia  

Child 44 

Cleaner 

Cold Comes the Night 

Coming Soon 

The Connection 

Conspiracy  

The Cookout  

Critical Condition  

Dark Crimes  

The Death and Life of Bobby Z 

Death Proof 

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star 

Downhill Racer 

Dragged Across Concrete  

The Dresser  

The Duel 

Dummy 

Flight of Fury 

Flirting with Disaster  

The Foreigner  

Goat  

Gutshot Straight  

Halloween III: Season of the Witch  

The Hard Corps  

Hesher  

High Right 

Honeymoon  

The Hunt 

I Saw the Devil 

In the Mix 

Jason and the Argonauts 

Jeff, Who Lives at Home 

Jiri Dreams of Sushi  

Joe 

Journey to the West  

Kill ‘Em All 

A Kind of Murder 

The Kite Runner 

Lake Placid 2 

Lake Placid 3 

Last Resort 

The Lazarus Project 

Misconduct 

Mr. Church 

Mutant Chronicles 

Mythica: The Godslayer 

Mythica: The Iron Clown  

Never Back Down: No Surrender 

News Radio  

Noah 

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior  

Ong Bak: The Beginning  

The Order 

Out for a Kill 

The Outcasts  

Phantoms 

Pistol Whipped 

The Protector 

Pulse (2001) 

Reprisal  

Return to the Blue Lagoon 

The River Murders  

The Romantics 

Second in Command 

Shadow Man 

Shattered  

The Shepherd 

Southside with You 

Space Station 76 

Square Pegs 

Standoff 

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation  

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder 

Steel Dawn 

Substitute  

The Super  

SWAT: Under Siege 

The Terminal  

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada  

Touchy Feely  

Trollhunter 

UFO 

Universal Solider: Day of Reckoning  

Vamps  

Vicky Cristina Barcelona  

Walking Tall: Lone Justice 

Warlock 

What Planet are You From?  

World’s Fastest Indian 

World’s Greatest Dad  

The Yellow Handkerchief  

Still streaming on Plex: 

2:22 

2 Days in New York 

21 Jump Street  

22 Bullets  

24 Hours to Live  

3rd Rock from the Sun 

6 Bullets  

99 Homes 

A Little Bit of Heaven 

A Walk in the Woods 

The Air I Breathe  

Alan Partridge 

ALF  

Alone in the Dark 

Amelie 

American Pastoral  

And Soon the Darkness 

Andromeda  

Are You Here 

Arthur and the Invisibles  

Awake 

Battle in Seattle 

Bernie 

Better Watch Out 

Black Death  

Blade of the Immortal 

Blitz 

The Brass Teapot 

Bronson 

The Brothers Bloom 

The Burning Plain 

But I’m a Cheerleader 

Cake  

Candy  

Catch .44 

Cell  

The Choice 

Clerks II 

Coherence  

The Collector  

Colonia  

Congo  

Cooties 

The Core 

The Cotton Club 

Crossing Lines  

Croupier  

Cube  

Cube 2 

Cube Zero 

Cyrano de Bergerac  

Death and the Maiden 

The Deep Blue Sea 

Deep Red 

Derailed 

Detachment 

The Devil’s Rejects  

Diary of the Dead 

District B13 

DOA: Dead or Alive 

Dr. T and the Women  

Eden Lake 

The Edge of Love  

The post Streaming on Plex: Best Movies and TV Shows You Can Watch for FREE in September appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[loiskane]

Shadow and Bone thoughts, notes eps 4-6

Book spoilers (no Rule of Wolves spoilers)

Ep 4

Jesper and the goat!!!!!! I love him

Tbh as much as I love them, I don't love how the Crows take up a good chunk of in every episode. This part is supposed to be Alina's story. Which will be over at some point and then it will be all about them and we're not going to see her and most characters ever again or only briefly. (unless they adapt King of Scars duology please adapt them please)

"You used to hide there as a boy", i smell bullshit Aleksander when were you there as a boy. The fountain is about YOU.

I love seeing filming locations I've been to several times

I like how Marie and Nadia are actually nice to her. They're not like super close with her and probably would ignore her if she was a regular squaller or Materialki  but they’re not mean either        

Nina!! You tell him

I'm still not trilled with the backstory change and while Danielle is a great actress, she's waay thinner than Nina is in the books. She's probably not Hollywood thin, but still.

It's kinda funny how this plan is similar to what the crew in The Gilded Wolves book do. Pretending to be other people, including artists and performers to break in to a fancy event. Btw The Gilded Wolves is a really great series, and there might be similarities it's not a knock-off SoC. Would recommend it. The second book is even better.

Get away from her go to jail

I wonder if the intimate scene will be in the show (probably yes ewww)

Seeing Mal's side of the story parallel to Alina shows so much they are so tragic at this point. Even in the books it's clear he cares for her a lot, we just see it through Alina's pov who doubts

We get a little less from Alina though

Her using her powers is amazing though 

Ep 5

These backdrops are so Hungarian sometimes lol

Grisha will have new opportunities. King of Scars says no. But hopefully after Rule of wolves things will be better.

That is not what a straight person would do Genya, I don't care you're a tailor who touches people's faces all the time

YES THEY GOT THE POWERFUL MEN LINE

DAVID

They are so cute (Genya and Alina, and Genya and David too )

Book spoilers make me sad

We love an Inej and Jesper scene (I also stood in the literal spot they're standing omg last time I visited there)

What a show off I love him

They are so cuteeee sneaking out

Fedyor was just pranking them

Oh you need a FABRIKATOR to open it if only we had one of thosee

Also I'm waiting on them showing Jesper is attracted to women too, he's the bi disaster

Idunwantit.gif (to Darklina)

She's so funny

Get away from her

Omg nooooooo

JESPER

He looks fine in that uniform

"I'm a terrible actor" suree

Zoyaa. Oh that's interesting.

Gay (queer) heartrenders?? Feeding each other?? Did i misread that?

It's a shame they didn't put Genya in green for this like in the book

SUN SUMMONER

Oh Inej

He's so arrogant I want to hit him the face

Genya WRECKED him

What is she wearing under her kefta so it’s bulletproof? Did David make something for her awww

Nooooo

oh shit right Genya can't heal major injuries

Oh no who's going to die in Siege and Storm if Marie's already dead?? Not Nadia I hope. They could give a bigger part to the Alkemi girl who also dies there in the books. Also how will this affect Fedyor, losing Marie is key to him betraying them to the Darkling, but since her death happens earlier and not because they opposed the Darkling, but under his rule so then why would he betray them

At least he asks for consent?? (i still hate him though)

“Maybe you're dehydrated from the heat in your hut", that was savage Alina lol

Baghra dragging the Darkling, we stan

Well the mission is not going well is it Kaz

Is Kaz Brekker really worth killing for though??

She just jumped off that balcony wow

This shows exactly who he is, dude just threatened his own mother

Ep. 6

Zoya is so pretty

Ben is doing a c t i n g

"Poor Nina". Like you actually care, beyond her being an asset

They let her gooo

Inej and Alina awww

Szentendre (aka Ryevost) - sorry i’m annoying abt filming locations but 1 of my all time favourite fantasy series gets adapted and shot in the country i live in

Dragonfruit!!!

fuck that racist guy

Well Zoya's not wrong, she left on her own

Zoya he's not worth it

Zoya using her powers yeees

He found his way back to her!!

Sharing a bed trope always a good one

we stan the height difference (Alina & Mal)

HE SAID THE THING is this once upon a time (I will always find youuuu)

Heleen has the shares because Kaz is an idiot sometimes who does idiot stuff

See her powers don't scare him, stop saying he's intimidated by her being strong and more powerful than him he's not

The lineeeee, I will NEVER get over

Oh Matthias you'll never be back in your bed ooof

"I like it when you turn red", i mean increased circulation is good when you're cold

You are not happy people Matthias! but ofc you, a Fjerdan MAN, would say this

Askskjdf so many book lines

They are cute

Never been a huuge stan of them but they are cute

So ketfas are resistant to bullets okay (i feel this was probably in the books)

David still could've made hers though, which is cute but also messed up because Genya's kefta represents her being a servant and what the Darkling GIFTING HER to the Queen led to

Zoya's smile after scaring people i love it

Now this is interesting

Smoke and mirrors, smoke and mirrors, works even against the Darkling

I hope they don't make this into a rivalry idk if I want the Crows to be too involved with the fight against the Darkling

Nina is so extra and shameless I love her 

She killed again, I blame Kaz 

Noo don't hit David, how DARE you Kaz

They stole his carriage looool

[cloudcover23]

Two Princes Season 3 Episode 3 Reactions:

< Episode 2

Scottish dude recap! I love these.

Ooh! Joan's dad's name is Brutus? Did we already know that?

Lol, Percy had a tantrum - he really did

"you're probably binging…" lol he knows, but keep recapping Scottish dude!

Lol! Amir giving Wence a bath… he's the one babysitting? I love it.

Lol, goat in the tub - I'm sure he needed a wash too

How old is Wence again? Is he not old enough to bathe himself? Also, Amir's practically a stranger to him… it was Rupert who met him last season… I know everything is okay, but some alarms went off in my head and I got taken out of the story for a bit there…

Omg Amir really knows how to talk to kids… Is Wence's super power that he makes grownups so frustrated that they start insulting him? Or is that how KCS thinks adults talk to kids?

Okay they said he's 6… wasn't he 7.5 last season (double checked! He said he was seven and a half last season after Rupert guessed 6)

Amir is the one tantruming now.

Rupert is the voice of reason.

It's okay Amir, parenting is a marathon, you gotta choose your battles. Goat in the tub can be a battle you don't choose today. That's okay.

The world is ending and there's a lot of shit I don't want to do anymore either.

I hate it when adults are dismissive of kids. You don't have to believe him, but don't make him feel wrong for being afraid.

Rupert knows what it's like to be dismissed.

Awwe! Amir's like "Be kind to people. I was unkind to this guy in the woods once… that was a mistake and I've learned from it."

SONG

Ooh! Backstory!? We DO get to hear about Rupert as a kid?! Yes!!

Mr. Mischief! Yes!

Awe this is a really cute little song.

Amir backstory!

Lol, he was NOT rebellious. DO you think going to the forest was his first rebellious act?

You know, I don't know about this message that normal kid testing, boundary pushing, and shenanigans = you're a "bad guy". Sounds like pretty normal developmental stuff to me.

Lumpy porridge! Not to be confused with lumpy Porridge.

Wence is like these guys are singing to me and won't leave me alone.

I see Rumir playing the guitar together, harmoniously singing while chasing Wence around the castle.

Geeet the heeeeck in the baaaaath! It's the next Morgan Freedman kid's story.

Hit that high note!

They're all a bunch of weirdos.

They once splashed as a couple, now they splash as a family

SO DOMESTIC I LOVE IT

So much background noise!

What's the name of the guy Chamberlain is talking to? Did he say "Footman"? "Freedman?" I was just thinking about Morgan Freedman…

SCOTTISH DUDE You're here too!

Maybe they have Covid 19

Barabbas!

They know each other!

They have a history…

RONNIE?????

Hironimus????

What is happening???

COUPLE!?!??!!!!

Chamberlain had a bad-boy phase!

Sword draw! Chamberlain can fight.

"Hmmph!"

ALMOST MARRIED?????!!!!!!!

What just happened? Okay so I am totally going back to my hc that Barabbas is an older dude, despite the canon art for him. I LOVE IT! Omg! Yes!

Wence takes naps? Even if he's 6 and not 7.5… that's pretty old for naps. Amir, did Wence tell you he takes a nap so that you'll leave him alone and stop singing to him? Yah, sorry guys - he and his goat scaled the walls and are out causing mischief somewhere.

Rupert wants kids!!

Yes! Let's talk about this!

Good to have this convo before you get married boys.

Amir gave him piggyback rides!

Amir sounds like Chad… Wence brings out the playfulness in him

Amir wants to wait for everything. Wedding: years! Kids: MANY YEARS! Don't get me wrong, I agree Amir.

Where those moms at?

Try not to miss me. I always do. I LOVE THEM

Porridge is a sneaky dragon who likes to steal and hoard sweets! Instead of sitting on a pile of gold he sits on a pile of fun-sized candy bars.

Mysterious violin…

Oh no PD.

Rupert! Don't feed his ego!

I don't trust his melancholy tone. Isn't he supposed to be eternally happy or something?

Play your tiny violin and leave Rupert alone! Rupert's not falling for your sob story!

Yah, who's watching your kingdom? Huh?

Don't try and convince Rupert that kingdoms run themselves just so you can argue it's okay for him to shirk his duties and run off with you!

Yah, Rupert's not buying it.

His story doesn't add up.

Rupert's the king of making up stories, so he can see right through yours Prince Darling!

Don't fall for his sob story Rupert!!

No! He's hitting on Rupert again.

"kidding" sure…

Why is he so invested in theif love triumphing? He sounds pretty sincere. Is it going to bring about some horrible magic thing as soon as they say "I do"? If he's actually invested now (which he sounds like he is, but probably for nefarious reasons) why was he wanting them to not be together at the beginning??

I am so confused.

Rupert groaning after he leaves… good! He was just being polite!

Ominous!! Is the music part of his magic? Is that why he's making everyone sing?

Background noise!

Gross swallowing noise.

Ew. Grosser: Joan's dad.

Cecily?!

Stand up to him Cecily.

Omg this is so hard to listen to. Thanksgiving dinner convo vibes.

"Unnatural" I hate this.

Oh, Cecily, make no mistake - it been done before.

OOOH She's talking about Joan being a KNIGHT! Oh, well, maybe that is something that hasn't happened before?

OMG Cecily song!!

That synth! That drum machine!

WHAT I LOVE THIS

Bongos!

Get over it!

Cecily be like "okay Boomer"

"on boxes"? Like their picture on missing person's milk boxes?

Soap boxes?? Is this a reference I don't get?

Oh good, it's not supposed to make sense.

YES!

Step on his face (on your way to sitting on his daughters. What? Did I just say that? This is a family show!)

Mike Drop!

You rocked my world Cecily.

Gotta memorize this song before the holidays. Keep some of those lines in my back pocket.

"Cecily babe!" Omg Percy and Cecily's interactions… They’re perfect for each other. Not necessarily in a romantic context, but definite BFF material.

Joan got that spider sense.

Ahh! The scary noise!

"Name of Guinevere!" (wow, is that really how you spell that name?)

Ahh! The laughter seriously freaks me out!

Sir Roderic! Sir Darius!

Gah! What is with all the cowardly knights in this universe?

They got SNATCHED!!

"What. The Heck. Just happened?" Percy quoting Cecily from s1. I see you boy

Percy! No!

Percy has grown SO MUCH! Admitting that someone else is better than him.

Percy! So brave!

Hiyah!

NO PERCY!!!!

WHATTT

HE GOT SNATCHEEEDDDD

PERCYYYY!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Mournful sound.

Hey the credits songs are changing!

Hold up. There's a bunch of sound effects after the credits

It's the animal brothers taking a bath together!

Episode 4 >

[recurring-polynya]

It is time, once again, friends, for me to watch a Bleach Filler Arc and tell you about it. It is time for the Zanpakutou Rebellion.

I wasn’t really sure I wanted to do this one for a number of reasons, but we watched the second episode last night, and it featured Rukia and Renji fighting back-to-back, and sorry fam, we’re doing this, you’re getting the full force of my zanpakutou spirit headcanons whether you want them or not.

Chrome updated and stopped letting me take screenshots a while ago and I am too lazy to figure out another way, so I figured it would be easier to just illustrate these myself. Let’s see how this goes.

Okay, one thing up front. My attitude towards Bleach filler has always been that it’s just for fun, and it’s up to you, the reader/viewer, whether you want to take any of it as canon or not. I, personally, do not accept this story arc as canon, but I honestly don’t care if you do. My main problem is that I don’t think zanpakutou spirits should be humanoid as a rule, although I do headcanon that most zanpakutou can choose how to manifest themselves, and so they may have a humanoid representation, but that’s not necessarily how they usually appear, which also explains why a lot of the shinigami has trouble recognizing their zanpakutou. I also think Muramasa made Hozukimaru put on that skirt, Hozukimaru has the demeanor of a being who does not believe in pants of any variety.

Anyway, as usual, I am ahead of myself. We starts in a cave that looks exactly like the cave from the Bount arc, with some ominous stuff, but I don’t care, I want to talk about Byakuya! Fighting! Renji!  

I think every filler arc has an OP with Byakuya fighting Renji that never actually happens, but right here! First episode! Byakuya fighting Renji while Squad 6 stands around and jeers! Kyouraku and Ukitake are here, too, for some reason! It’s super lit! Byakuya stops paying attention halfway through, but he wins anyway and negs Renji a little, and Renji thanks him for the fight very earnestly and Kyouraku and Ukitake tell Renji he did a good job. This is honestly all I want out of Bleach filler. This is my happy place. Thank you, Zanpakutou Arc for these beautiful Squad 6 hijinks.

As if I weren’t on a big enough high, now we cut to Squad 10, where Matsumoto is lounging on the Crash Couch. Hinamori and Isane come in to hand-deliver an invtation to a vice-captains meeting (Aren’t they just… like… on Wednesdays?) and to complain about their zanpakutou (boy, I wish we got to see Isane’s zanpakutou in this arc!! But no!!) Matsumoto, once again, claims to be training for bankai, mostly by complaining a lot. Hitsugaya grumps around, grumpily.

All of this is so, so perfect, I just need a trip with Iba to the shinigami pub, but instead, everyone gets a mysterious invitation from the Captain Commander to come to Soukyoku Hill at midnight. Really? I would not go.

Regardless, everyone goes. This scene is great because there are too many characters standing around and this is filler meaning the animators phoned it in, so whenever one character is talking, there are at least three people in the background not moving and making a facial expression that does not go with whatever else is going on. For example, Sasakibe shows up and falls over, and his body is just… there. In the middle of everything. Also, it’s mostly captains and vice-captains, but also Ikkaku and Yumichika and Rukia are there. Someone’s like, “Hey, Ikkaku and Yumichika, why are you here?” and they’re like, “Uh, Zaraki and Yachiru are on a business trip” and then someone else is like “Hey, Rukia, why are you here?” and she just does Big Shrug Arms. This is perfect Big Filler Energy. They are here because we want to see their embodied zanpakutou spirits obviously, why must you demand explanations?

Anyway, Muramasa shows up in hall his Hot Topic glory and waves his scary fingernails and cries blood and announces that all the zanpakutou have rebelled. Then follows a hilarious scene where everyone tries to do their releases and it doesn’t work.

Episode ends/next episode begins.

Ichigo is bouncing around Karakura, like he does, when Rukia falls out of a senkaimon in the sky. (They can make them next to the ground, I don’t know why they never do) Sode no Shirayuki then shows up and it takes Ichigo a phenomenally long amount of time to figure out who she is. To be honest, I would love if this arc went in the direction that Shirayuki has it out for Ichigo for taking Rukia’s powers (Zanpakutou Headcanon #2: Zanpakutou spirits have zero perspective outside of their shinigami being the most important thing in the world to them, and Shirayuki, especially brainwashed Shirayuki, would love to take a piece out of Ichigo. Obvs, they would become best friends after Ichigo defeats her, as is his way).

After being suitable ominous, Shirayuki ollies out, and Ichigo takes Rukia back to the Shoten for Orihime-heals and flashbacks.

Rukia recaps back to Soukyoku Hill, except this time, Renji’s the only one trying fruitlessly to do his release. One reading of this, is that it’s just a recap, we don’t need to see all this again, except that then they cut to Byakuya making the Mariah Carey “I don’t know her face” for like, 10 whole seconds, and it’s sublime.

Anyway, everyone starts fighting, and Ikkaku tries to attack Komamura’s zanpakutou, which is such a colossally bad idea. I am always hoping that they will kill off characters during filler arcs and then have them be inexplicably alive later, like they used to do on Teen Titans GO! and I absolutely would have offed Ikkaku at this point if I were in charge. The zanpakutou spirits start absolutely trashing the Seireitei, mostly setting things on fire and causing ice avalanches, and just generally going bananas. I really wish there had been a montage of someone cutting heads off parking meters and spray painting “Fuck the Central 46” on the side of Squad 1, but no.

We then see Rukia and Renji running around, fighting together, and I ascended. This is all I ever want. Bless this arc. They get attacked by Sasakibe’s Gonryuu (I wish there was a running gag of no one knowing who he is, and maybe there is, later, I don’t remember) and Hisagi’s Kazeshini, who is the best zanpakutou in this whole arc, he is an unhinged Nightcrawler with sick abs and I love him. I don’t remember what happened next, because I was so distracted by my OTP doing Battle Couple, but Byakuya shows up, standing on a tower (dude likes standing on a tall thing almost as much as Rukia does), so of course, we have to do “Nii-sama!” “Taichou!” B L E S S.

Then Senbonzakura shows up, also standing on a tall rooftop, dunh dunh DUNH! It’s too bad that the Fullbringer arc sort of ruins this because the whole time, I was like “just nail him in the safety zone,” and honestly, Byakuya having a “safety zone” is… well, it’s kinda lame when you say it out loud. Anyway, Rukia flips out, and Renji’s like, “no, no, I’m sure he’s fine,” and then they get avalanched by Sode no Shirayuki and that’s all Rukia remembers.

As usual, no one is the least bit concerned for Renji, but honestly, if anyone can survive being repeatedly Senbonzakured and Hakurened, it’s that guy.

There’s a part where Rukia is telling this story and Ichigo puts his hand on his chest, and you can see the little wheels in his head turning, like, “where do I keep my zanpakutou? Is it here? What is the ‘heart’?”

Yoruichi shows up to provide more exposition, as is her Filler Arc duty, and they establish that the rebellion seems to have only gone as far as Soul Society.

Ichigo goes home to sleep in his clothes, but the Mod Souls show up to tell him that Rukia went back to Soul Society in the middle of the night. Man, the Mod Souls are in this arc, W H Y ? ? ?

Urahara agrees to send Ichigo to Soul Society why WHY W H Y would you send the guy with the awesomest and most DNGAF zanpakutou to the place where the zanpakutou are rebelling??? At this point, if I hadn’t seen this before, I would definitely assume that Urahara was behind all of this.

Some other points: Why would you not take Chad and Ishida and Orihime (and Yoruichi, for that matter), people with powers who don’t have zanpakutou? Truly, I tell you, Chad does not mind being woken up for this, and Ishida would love the chance to smugly show up and lecture a bunch of powerless shinigami. Also, if I were in Bleach, you better bet my first reaction to everything would be to ask Orihime to try to reject it, no matter how dumb it sounded. It’s worth a try! I would not go anywhere without Orihime. Orihime is the GOAT. Did we all forget the part in the Bount Arc where she killed some friggin’ ninja? I sure didn’t.

Anyway, that’s it for this time, keep tuning for next episode, where Ichigo will surely have regrets.