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sjsmith56 · 17 days ago

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Nothing More Real

Summary: AU story of an established actor, directing his first film, visiting a bookstore he wants to film in and falling for the owner. Told from her POV.

Length: 6.5 K

Characters: Bucky Barnes, OFC (unnamed and mostly undescribed)

Warnings: some slight drama over filming romantic or sexy scenes but the rest is fluff

Author notes: That recent selfie of Sebastian Stan was the inspiration except I interpreted it as him taking a picture of someone he loved. There are elements of Sebastian in this (his love of books, reference to acting in nude scenes, his open support for women) but I made him an AU version of Bucky Barnes who is successful but wanting more out of his career and his personal life. With this being Valentine’s Day I thought it was a good day to post it.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, then was slightly startled by the gentle knock on the door. A polite voice on the other side asked if I was ready for my makeup. She didn’t say anything about me holding anyone up, or that she had other clients waiting on her, even though I knew I was doing exactly that. Tightening the belt of the hotel robe that I wore over the large towel wrap, I opened the door and came out to the makeup specialist, Mandy. The hair stylist, Georg, was in the adjoining room, preparing Bucky.

“Sorry, nerves,” I explained. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“It’s alright,” said Mandy, putting her hand on mine and squeezing it. “Bucky explained everything. All the spouses and girlfriends go through this at one time or another. You’ll be fine. If you would remove the robe to expose your shoulders and come sit in the chair we’ll get started.”

I did as she said, then sat on the tall stool, as she placed a soft hair band on my head, to keep the hair off my face while she cleansed it. She complimented my skin, raving over the skin care regimen I must follow and the beautiful colouring I had. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I still used plain old over-the-counter products that I bought at the drug store, and rarely wore makeup at all. As she worked I kind of tuned out thinking over what had led me to this very moment.

Two years ago, I was in my hometown, an adjoining suburb of a bustling city. I owned a bookstore, started up with my late husband’s life insurance payout, specializing in hard to find books, mostly those that were out of print. We had a loyal clientele that would make the short journey from the city and the surrounding areas on a regular basis to see what new offerings I had. I visited estate sales and yard sales often, looking for those treasures that some people didn’t realize they had. It helped that I had a retired bookbinder and repair specialist, my dad, at my disposal. He would lovingly restore some of the more worn first editions I found, using techniques gleaned from years of experience, teaching them to me so that I could turn the bookstore into more than just a place to buy books.

One day, a woman came in, browsing through the bookstore, looking at not just the books, but the entire space itself. When I asked if she needed help, she just smiled and gracefully declined. She did buy a book, casually asking who the owner of the shop was. Then she gave me a card that said Maria Hill, Location Scout.

“I work with a production company that is going to be filming in the area in a few months. We had a bookstore lined up for filming but they had a fire and now we need a new location. Your shop was recommended by a friend of a friend of a friend. Would you be interested?”

I didn’t know what to say. This shop was my living and from what I knew about filming on location, the production company could take weeks or even months to film scenes. That kind of interruption could be fatal to my business. She sensed my hesitation and smiled.

“We would pay you to use your place and could even use you as an extra if you want to pick up some money.”

“I don’t know.” I looked at my store. “I’m quite protective of my store and my stock. Giving up control to a film production would be difficult for me.”

She looked back at how I had things set up. “What if we replaced the books with remaindered ones for the filming, and put yours into storage?” I shook my head, still not convinced. “Why don’t I get the director to come and see you? He’s in the city with the casting director looking for local actors to fill some of the supporting roles.”

I wasn’t sure if that would alleviate my concerns but I was willing to listen to his pitch. Giving her one of my cards, I put my cell phone number on the back, then rang through her purchase, wondering if she bought it to grease the wheels. When I got home I called my dad and told him about the encounter. We talked for some time about the pros and cons of agreeing to it but I was still leaning to not doing it.

The following morning I opened up and spent a couple of hours unpacking and inspecting some boxes of books I picked up at an estate sale. Just as I finished one of them, the door opened, ringing the little bell I had on it so I would hear it if I was in back. I glanced up to say good morning to the customer, and my mouth went completely dry. The man who entered was dressed casually, and wore a ball cap to hide his hair but I recognized him right away as Bucky Barnes, an actor who had become famous working in several well received independent films. Why was he in my store? Croaking out my welcome, he smiled back at me, and stepped further inside, stopping at several shelves to look at the books, even holding on to one, then another.

Trying not to stare at him, I decided to do some dusting, bringing out the duster, dust cloth, and the tall step stool. I pulled out the top shelf of books on the one display running the duster over the shelf, then wiped the books with the dust cloth. As I got into it, finishing that column of books and starting on the next one, I totally forgot about Bucky Barnes, the customer. It wasn’t until I heard a polite cough behind me that I remembered he was there and turned. My foot slipped off the top of the stool and I fell towards him. Almost instantly, he stepped forward and expertly caught me, just like in the movies.

The first thing I noticed was that he smelled incredible. I don’t even know what the scents were as my dad wore Old Spice and my deceased husband never wore anything scented. He was also strong, much stronger than I was expecting. I’m not a waif and with the momentum I had as I fell I was sure we would both end up on the floor but he was solid and caught me easily. His beautiful blue eyes were now looking at me with concern.

“Are you alright?” The way his voice rumbled was somewhere between intoxicatingly masculine and “get in my bed” sinful. I gulped while he looked over at the stool. “You took quite a tumble there.”

“Fine,” I rasped, then cleared my throat. “I’m fine. Thank you. You can let me down now.”

Then he smiled and seeing those perfect white teeth finished me. I got all hot and flustered, totally aware that my cheeks must be flaming red as they were burning right at that moment. He lowered me so gently that I didn’t realize my feet were now on the floor.

“I’m Bucky Barnes,” he said, then gestured towards the fixtures. “My associate Maria Hill was here yesterday and thought it could work for my film and I have to agree. It’s a much nicer store than the one we were going to use. What do you say about letting me film here?”

“You’re the director that the location scout said would contact me?”

He nodded his head as I asked, then smiled again, holding up the four books he picked.

“I’d like to buy these. They’ve been on my “to read” list for a while but my book store contact could never find them.”

Now I was really hooked. Bucky Barnes, the actor, who was in the area, for pre-production on a movie he was directing, was in my store, buying books. Not only that, he had just caught me as I literally fell onto him. It must have been too much because the next thing I knew I was looking up at his worried face, while I was on the floor. My first instinct was to get up but he put a gentle hand on my shoulder, keeping me down.

“Stay there,” he commanded. “You must have had some vertigo or a low blood sugar moment. I caught you before you dropped.” That damn smile came out again. “Maybe you’re falling for me.”

I groaned at his awful joke but he didn’t take it personally. Eventually, he did let me stand, and allowed me to ring his purchase up, then he stood there, all 6 foot 2 inches and 185 pounds of movie heartthrob (I looked it up later), and asked me out to dinner the next night, to discuss using the bookstore for his movie.

“Oh, I can’t,” I said. “Thursday nights I’m open late.”

“Well, surely, one of your employees can take over,” he suggested.

I shook my head. “I’m it. This is a one person business and I do good business on Thursday nights. Tonight would be better or Friday.”

He glanced at my left hand, seeing my ring. “Won’t your husband object?”

“I’m a widow.” There was a flicker of emotion on his face but he quickly masked it.

“My condolences. Unfortunately, I have a pre-production meeting today that will last well into the late evening. I’m leaving for LA on Friday as I have filming on another movie to do so it will have to be tomorrow.”

“Busy man.”

“It’s how I make my living.” He leaned across the counter, fixing those blue eyes on me. “How do you eat meals or take a break when you’re here on your own?”

At first I was hesitant to answer. I mean, I’m a single woman talking to a strange (albeit famous) man about being here on my own. But those damn eyes were definitely a window into his soul because I saw genuine curiosity and concern in them.

“I sit in the back room with the door open so I can see the front door. It has a bell on it, to alert me to a new customer, and I put my sandwich down to come out and help them. When I have to use the facilities, I lock the door and put up a sign saying I’ll be back in 5 minutes. My customers understand and wait for me.”

“Huh, makes sense.” He frowned a little then seemed to come to a decision. “How about I bring you something to eat and hang out with you in the store? The movie is going to be set primarily in a book store and although the script has been written and I’ve had some preliminary rehearsals with the leading lady and several others, I think I could benefit from your expertise in running an independent small business on your own. I’ll pay you for your time ….” He stopped as if realizing that how he worded it could be misinterpreted and blushed. It was refreshing to see him being flustered. “I should say I will pay you for sharing your knowledge and experience as a bookseller, and give you a movie credit as a technical consultant.”

“I haven’t agreed to you using the book store, yet,” I answered, wondering if my loudly beating heart was audible to him as it was pounding in my ears.

“That’s true, but I’ll give you the credit no matter what. Please say yes.”

I remember how that word please did something to me, something I hadn’t felt for several years.

“Alright, bring sandwiches as they don’t get cold when I get busy. I’m open to just about anything but there’s a sandwich place a couple of blocks away that I always buy from, since I support local businesses. I have tea here so if you drink coffee you’ll have to bring your own. When you get here, the food stays in back.”

“6 o’clock is okay?” I nodded and he picked up his bag with the four books he bought. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He opened the door, looked up and grinned at the ringing bell, then tipped the brim of his ball cap and left. I remember thinking what an old fashioned thing that was. Men didn’t tip their hats to women anymore. It was a sign of respect, maybe even admiration. What was so special about me that a man like him could admire? It bothered me for the rest of the day until I got home and called my dad to let him know of this latest wrinkle. I tried to downplay my reactions to Bucky Barnes but my dad was always a perceptive man, even when we spoke on the phone.

“He tipped his hat to you? You don’t get that every day, do you?”

“Does it mean anything?” I asked, then waited as he took his time answering.

��Do you want it to mean anything?” I thought about it, then Dad said something that resonated with me. “It’s been four years since Dan died. He was taken far too young for both of you. I know that you’ve dated but haven’t felt any connections past a second date.”

“This isn’t a date, Dad,” I interrupted.

“I know, it’s a business meeting where he’s bringing you sandwiches, and eating them in your back room, picking your brain, then watching how you run your business. He sounds interested and invested in making you comfortable with him taking over your livelihood for the duration of filming. If he does talk money, make sure he pays you what you would expect to make in sales, plus a gratuity for the upheaval to your business.”

“You think I should do it,” I declared.

“I think you should consider it and then decide yourself. At the least, you can always say you had dinner with Bucky Barnes.”

That was Dad, pragmatic to the core. When Bucky showed up early at 5:50 he brought sandwiches from the local shop, a large coffee for himself, and earned major bonus points for bringing a slice of cake each from the bakery around the corner. I had already cleared my desk and brought plates and cutlery. After all, I was civilized. He noticed, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, showing those perfect white teeth again. As we sat and took our first bites, finishing chewing so we weren’t talking with our mouths full (see previous reference to being civilized), he looked intently at me.

“What would you like to know?”

“What’s the movie about?”

“It’s kind of my take on Notting Hill but without the paparazzi, the cheating boyfriend and the irritating roommate,” he answered. “I play an actor, in town to film a movie, and I find this little bookstore with a charming manager who I develop a crush on. On days when I’m not filming I’m at the store, enjoying the atmosphere, finding that it gives me what the movie business doesn’t, a calm place where I’m accepted at face value. We have a love affair, then the filming ends.”

“That’s it?” I asked, after sipping some tea from my insulated cup. “No happy ending?”

“Oh, there’s an ending but not even the other actors know what it is yet as I have sworn the writers to secrecy.”

I was going to respond to that but the bell rung on the door and I stepped out to find a pair of regular customers entering. Bucky watched from the doorway as I pulled out three books that had been placed on hold. They visually inspected the books then asked what the damage was. I gave them a price, which they agreed to and I rang them up, chatting as they brought out their own cloth bag to put them into. Slipping in a few bookmarks which I picked up from book trade fairs I wished them a good evening and watched them leave. Just as I got back to the room, the bell rang again and I made an apologetic face at Bucky as I tended to the next customers, chatting with them as they were regulars. More came in and although I got quite busy I noticed he was browsing the shelves, pretending to be another customer. No one seemed to notice who he was so it was a convincing improvised performance. After a steady hour or so of customers it began to taper off and I was able to slip back to have a few more bites of my sandwich.

“You weren’t kidding,” he said. “You get a lot of repeat business?”

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “That’s why I’m reluctant to close down. Many of them make the trip from the city or nearby towns. If I’m not open, I’m not sure they’ll come back.” I sipped my tea. “You could pay me well for the time I shut my store down but if I lose my base of regular customers I might not have enough business to keep it open afterwards. This is my living and I’m invested in keeping it.”

He listened carefully, then was quiet for some time while he thought before seeming to come to a decision.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize the hit you could take if you turned the store over to us. This fire that hit the other bookstore has really forced my hand.” He rested his chin on his clenched fist. “I would build a new set but it would increase my budget. I wanted a place that looked authentic and used, you know what I mean?”

I nodded, understanding completely.

“You could always duplicate my bookstore in an existing empty retail space,” I suggested. “There are a few places here or in the city that would probably jump at the chance to have you there even on a temporary basis. You would need shelving, counters, and stock. If you built from scratch using used fixtures and buying remaindered books then it would have that funky independent bookstore look. You would also control the space, using it whenever you wanted and setting up your equipment without having to worry about upsetting the owner. At the end of filming you could sell off the inventory as official souvenirs of the movie. You know, buy a piece of cinematic history.”

I smiled hopefully at him with that rather unlikely last suggestion and he reacted with definite amusement but also with respect. Another customer came in and I left him to his thoughts and the rest of his sandwich. When I returned he had our cake slices ready to eat. He stood up, pulled my chair out for me, and waited for me to sit down until he did. Then he fixed his gaze on me.

“I think you’re right about building a purpose built set in an empty retail space. If there is any way you could work with our set designer to replicate what you have here before filming starts I would really appreciate it. She’s a local and you could arrange times that work for you. I don’t want to risk your business being permanently disturbed by our filming. The success of my little vanity project isn’t worth affecting your livelihood.”

It was a surprising admission from him, but it was made sincerely. He stayed until closing time and helped me shut the store down, waiting as I locked the doors. We lingered outside on the sidewalk, not saying much of anything but definitely feeling a pull towards each other.

“Thank you for letting me come over and observing you at work,” he said. “It was quite illuminating and I think I’ll work with the script writers to incorporate some new dialogue into the film based on what I witnessed.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied. “Thank you for dinner. The cake was a nice touch.”

That smile came out again, and I spontaneously kissed him on the cheek. We shook hands then we both kind of pulled the other in for an impulsive and more intense kiss, one that made me feel all sorts of things.

“You’re quite the woman,” he murmured, his arms feeling quite natural around me. “Can I call you sometime, just to talk?”

“Sure,” I stammered, then shrugged. “When you’re not busy with premieres and dating starlets and stuff.”

“Oh sweetheart, that’s all posing for the cameras, just part of the job. I’m much happier curled up in my favourite chair, a book in my hand, my dog asleep near me, and some nice music playing in the background. I go to the premieres and parties because I have to maintain a presence but I would much rather spend hours talking to you than being there. You’re real and I’ve had a better time with you in the last few hours than I’ve had in a long while.”

“I bet you say that to all the bookstore owners.”

With a soft smile, he shook his head, then kissed me again, leaving no doubt in my mind that there was definitely something worth exploring. After getting me safely in my car, and double checking my cell phone number he let me go and despite his words I didn’t expect to hear from him until he returned for filming. The next day a large bouquet of flowers was delivered to the store, along with the contact information for his set designer, and a cheque for my input that was more than generous. Bucky phoned that night and we talked for three hours. He phoned every night except Thursday as I was working, then he began video calling, introducing me to his dog, Tilly, a mutt who obviously adored him.

I did meet with the set designer and together we found a large empty retail space in the city, in a small strip mall that was struggling to stay afloat. Bucky gave her the okay to rent more space there to use as their production offices. Two weeks before filming started he showed up at my bookstore on a Thursday night with sandwiches, and dessert. It felt like he had always been doing it and we picked up our relationship where we left it, except this time, he followed me home in his car and stayed the night.

When filming started I saw less of him but we still talked and he made the effort to see me at least once a week. He met my father, finding common ground with him in their shared love of books. We did have a little bump in the road when I visited the set on a Sunday they were filming. It was the first time I was there and they were preparing a romantic scene between Bucky and his leading lady, Natasha Romanov, a very attractive actress. Wanda, a production assistant was waiting for me just outside the house they were using as Natasha’s place, leading me inside. The living room was set up with soft lights, candles and partially full wine glasses. Bucky and Natasha were talking with a third person, the intimacy coordinator, according to Wanda, going over the ground rules for their romantic scene. There was some joking between Bucky and Natasha then she got in position while a stand-in stood with her while the positioning was checked on a monitor by Bucky and his assistant director, Sam Wilson. Then he nodded at Sam and took his place where the stand-in had been. The clapper board, or slate, as they call it on set was brought in front of the camera to mark the beginning of the scene, then Bucky said “roll camera,” the camera operator started it, said “rolling” and Sam took a few seconds to call out “action.”

I felt weird watching my boyfriend kissing another woman in a way that was disturbingly familiar. Then the camera moved back as they moved to the couch and he laid on top of her, kissing and touching her with what seemed to be intent. When Sam called “cut,” Bucky got off of her like it was no big deal and came over to the video monitor, watching it intently, then pointing out issues in lighting or positioning. As a makeup artist touched up Natasha’s hair and makeup, they adjusted the camera angle and some lighting then they went through the scene again with the intimacy coordinator. I felt a touch on my arm and turned to see Wanda looking at me with concern.

“Do you want to wait in the other room?” she asked. “They’ll be calling lunch after they get the scene in the can.”

I nodded and she led me through an adjoining door to a den, bringing me a bottle of water, as I sat on a couch in there.

“They are just acting,” she said kindly. “It looks real but it isn’t.”

Even though she was trying to be supportive, I still felt odd about what I saw and just nodded. She left me there and I sipped the water, waiting. It was almost an hour before lunch was called, but all I could think about was that they must have gone through that scene several times. When Bucky came in, he kneeled down in front of me.

“Are you alright?” he asked, his eyes searching my face. “Wanda said you seemed upset.”

“No … yes,” I answered, struggling to keep my face neutral. “Are love scenes always like that?”

He frowned slightly. “Realistic? Yes. But it doesn’t mean there is anything between us. We’re both professionals and we separate our personal emotions from what we’re doing so that it looks like we’re into each other but we’re not. It’s all technical.”

“It looked real.”

“Hey,” he said softly, cradling my face in his hands. “This is real.”

He kissed me then, languidly caressing my tongue with his, as he gently threaded one hand into my hair while the other pulled me closer to him. When he pulled his lips away he continued holding me, rubbing my back.

“Have you ever fallen in love with an actress after doing romantic scenes?” I asked, still feeling insecure.

“When I was 18 and still a virgin,” he answered. I looked at him in disbelief. “Really. I had no romantic experience and I fell in love with my leading lady in the high school play. After our first rehearsal kiss I was sure she was the one, then when rehearsal was over, she went out to her boyfriend and gave him a kiss that must have reached to the back of his throat. It was gross.” It made me giggle, which made him smile. “I do love scenes because I’m a formally trained professional actor and it’s expected when I’m the lead in a production. I’ve done nude scenes with a man and a woman, separately, but I don’t get aroused by it because it’s really quite uncomfortable to be in front of a film crew with another naked person, pretending to be in love or lust, and having the whole scene broken down into “put your leg here, and your arm there, don’t fart, don’t burp and for God’s sake if you get a leg cramp don’t scream.”

“Okay,” I said, a little grudgingly. “I guess it’s something I have to get used to but would it be okay with you if I didn’t watch those scenes until the movie comes out?”

“Sure.” He kissed me again. “You know I love you, right?”

“What?” I gasped.

“I love you. You’re it for me.”

Before I could respond then Sam interrupted us, saying a closer look at the last scene filmed showed a shadow from the sound boom. Smiling apologetically at me, Bucky got up, then pulled me up with him to give me a hug.

“Wait for me,” he said. “We’ll talk some more.”

I stayed, found a book and read it. When they wrapped for the day, the activity level got considerably louder as people prepared to leave. I looked out into the hallway, seeing people going back and forth as some equipment was too valuable to leave in the house, even though a security guard would be on duty. Stepping into the living room, I watched as Bucky talked to Natasha, telling her she did good work that day, then hugging her. He had a quick conversation with a couple of people then saw I was there and told them he had to go.

“Ready to leave?” he asked. “Come to the trailer with me while I change then we’ll go.”

He took my hand and led me to a large trailer, like the type used in a work camp. All the actors had their own rooms with their wardrobes in it for that set. When we got inside his room, he closed and locked the door then pressed me against it, kissing me enthusiastically. When he finally had enough and allowed me to catch a breath, I looked at him.

“What’s got into you?”

“You. You��re in my head, and in my heart. I’ve wanted to say it for a while.”

“What stopped you?”

He caged me in between his hands that were placed on either side of my shoulders.

“Trying to find the right romantic moment.” He scanned my face as if he was mapping it. “I know that scene was hard for you to see but you really don’t have to feel like you don’t matter. I liked you the moment you fell off that stool into my arms and then fainted. I was impressed watching you work, handling your customers with such patience and professionalism. As we talked on the phone, then by video call, I realized that those times were the best part of my day. The film industry is all about make believe but there’s nothing more real than how you make me feel.” I smirked at his rhyme and he chuckled with me. “I adore you, and want to be where you are as much as I can.”

“How will we make that work?”

“I can move here.”

That stunned me. He was willing to move here instead of staying in Los Angeles? I could only respond with one word.

“Why?”

“Because this is your home and it’s where your business is. It’s important to you. After all this I don’t want to take you away from it.”

“But that will make you less visible and ….”

He kissed me again, softly, almost reverently. “When a guy finds the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, nothing is as important as her. This film, my first as a director, was important to me because I was ready for a new challenge, one that didn’t depend on me being that guy you see in the gossip rags or the entertainment programs. We can still keep a place in Los Angeles and New York for when I have to be there but I want to put down roots here, with you.”

“But would that mean you would marry me?”

“Not how I wanted to ask you but yeah. I want to marry you, have a family, bring Tilly up so she can get to know your dad, and you keep your business because it’s part of you, a part I love.” He looked hopefully at me. “Of course, it only works if you love me, too, and say yes to marrying me.”

“Yeah, I love you.” I started to cry, as he looked at me like I was something precious. “I want to marry you.”

“Guess what?” he asked, after he kissed me again, even though I was blubbering. “I just figured out the end of my movie.”

“I thought you already had an ending.” I wiped my cheeks with my hands.

“I did but after I met you I didn’t think any guy worth anything would leave someone like you behind. So, I asked the writers to come up with a happy ending and now I’ll get them to tweak it, just a little. It might be based on us, a bit. Are you okay with that?”

I nodded, as I knew that if I spoke I would start to cry again. While I sat on the couch, he wiped off his makeup with facial wipes, as he usually showered at the hotel or at my place, then changed into his regular clothes. Then he drove us in his rental car to my dad’s house, and told him I said yes, because of course he spoke to my dad first. We celebrated with steaks and beer. Six months ago, we got married in a private ceremony with his family and mine at a mountain resort. Tilly brought the rings down the aisle on a ribbon tied around her neck. Bucky had another film lined up a month later and worked on getting a distribution deal for the movie which brings us to why I was sitting on a tall stool in a hotel room getting my hair and makeup done.

It was the world premiere of Bucky’s film, Nothing More Real. Yeah, he used part of a line that he said to me for the title but I didn’t mind. As he explained to an interviewer the movie became more personal to him once he met me.

After my makeup was completed and hair styled into something other than my usual comb it out and fasten it with a barrette, a stylist brought out the three choices of evening gowns we made earlier in the day. Bucky’s stylist, Michael, had recommended her, knowing I was still dealing with the glitz and glamour of being in Los Angeles. All three dresses were casually elegant, nothing too extravagant or risqué. I chose a black off the shoulder style that I felt beautiful in. After making sure that all the seams were straight and my smoothing undergarment wasn’t bunching up anywhere, Lesley nodded her approval and helped me slip on the heels, low ones as I absolutely refused to wear the five inch ones that seemed to be the norm. She handed me my clutch then gestured to the adjoining door.

“I brought jewelry,” I said, reaching for my little case with some necklaces and earrings.

“Nope, Bucky got you something,” she answered. “Let’s go show off for him.”

I came through the adjoining door and he turned around, his face alight at the sight of me. He shook his head but it was because he couldn’t get over how I looked.

“Stay right there,” he said, reaching into his pants pocket for his cell phone. “I want a picture of how you look at this moment to send to your dad.”

Leaning against the closet door he aimed the camera at me, staring at the image for some time until he pressed the shutter button. I’ll always remember how he looked in his navy slacks and a white shirt while staring at his camera then at me. Looking beyond at Lesley he smiled and thanked her for finding the perfect dress. She just smiled and closed the door.

“Where’s your tie?” I asked, stepping closer.

“Not wearing one. Going for that casual elegant look.” Sliding his phone into his front pocket he placed his hands on my waist, gazing at me. “You look stunning and will make me look good just being beside you.”

“I bet you say that to all the bookstore owners.”

He laughed then hugged me, his mouth close enough to my ear that I could feel his breath on it.

“No, just the one I love. Now, I have something for you. Kind of a six month anniversary, world premiere gift.”

“Aw gee, and I didn’t get you anything.”

He went to the night stand beside the bed and pulled out two cases, one small square one and a longer slim one.

“Normally, the big jewellers provide pieces for the red carpet but I want the world to see that I appreciate my wife so much that I want her to have something unique with meaning to her.”

He opened the long case to show a white gold and diamond pendant shaped like a book. Explaining that it was custom made he fastened it around my neck. Then he opened the small case showcasing a pair of white gold diamond drop earrings. After I fastened them, he took another picture then received a text that our ride was waiting. Putting his jacket on he took my hand in his.

It wasn’t a long drive, but I could tell he was nervous. Although he had investors for the movie, he had put his own money into it and his reputation. For someone who wanted to transition into being a director it was a gamble. The red carpet was intimidating for me, but Bucky held my hand, and made sure that no one treated me with anything less than respect. There was one instance where I waited at the side while he was on camera with one of the entertainment programs, and was asked who inspired him. He smiled and said the usual, then he stepped away from the reporter, looking for me. When he saw me, his face broke into a soft and knowing smile.

“There, right there, is the person who inspires me the most,” he said, gesturing for me to come forward. His publicist frowned as she wanted the focus to be on him but she stepped back and let me go to him. Putting his arm around me and giving me a side hug he faced the reporter again. “This is my wife and she is the happy ending I always wanted. I cherish the day that the location scout walked into her bookstore and asked if we could film there. She said no, but I kept going back because there was something special about her, something real that I had been needing.”

It was an “aww” moment that was replayed for days. The reviews were great, calling Nothing More Real a gem of a movie, that realistically portrayed a romance between two people who needed something more in their lives. It didn’t get nominated for any major awards but it was always on a “best of” list of romance movies and gave Bucky a strong push into becoming sought as a director. It also increased my business as people came to find the bookstore behind the movie. Even though the movie was filmed in a set, built in an empty retail store in a strip mall they knew the real thing was even better. So was life and love with my movie star husband, who loved me as I was, because I was real.

One Shots Masterlist

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #buckybarnes original female character #james buchanan barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes au #james buchanan barnes au #bucky barnes x ofc #movie business #support non smut #no smut #valentines day

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thebiggerbear · 2 months ago

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FANFICTION FRIDAYS

This week I moved the # from 56 to 16.

Here are my picks for Jan 3rd 2025, please go give them a read:

Unspoken Words by @winchesterwild78 & @cheekygirl2309 (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

More Than You Could Ever Know by @godmadeaterribleerror - A No Love Lost Christmas Special! Takes place about five months after the end of No Love Lost, sort of an epilogue to the main story. (Soldier Boy x Supe Female!Reader, The Boys)

When What We Had Was Everything by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior - When Y/N really needs him, Jensen steps up, leaving all their past in the past. Can Y/N possibly do the same? (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

Come Find Me by @lightdancingwords - You are a new arrival to Big Sky, Montana, and found gainful employment with the local insurance department next door to the sheriff’s department. A whole new life with your past haunting you, while Beau is still dealing with the entanglements with his ex-wife. Can either of you succeed in overcoming your ghosts? (Beau Arlen x Female!Reader, Big Sky)

Forever After All by @jobean12-blog - You and Javi have been working together for a few months and you can't deny that you like him...everything about him. And you know you're not imagining the subtle flirting and lingering glances but when you have an assignment that puts you two closer than you 've ever been you find out what it all really means. (Javier Pena x Female!Reader, Narcos)

Family by @lila-lou - This Christmas is your first with Emily, Beau’s teenage daughter. Between her shy smiles and sharp wit, she’s learning to trust you, and you’re creating a home together. (Beau Arlen x Reader, Big Sky)

New Year’s Bingo Card 2024: Bang by @bullet-prooflove (Eddie Diaz x Reader, 911)

Desire, I'm Hungry by @yourfavoritewitchbitch - You and Steve happen upon a strange flower and suddenly find yourselves separated from your friends in the Upside Down. An unrelenting desire overtakes the both of you, taking your friendship past the point of no return. (Steve Harrington x Reader, Stranger Things)

Bruised Fruit by @lostloveletters - Gloria falls like overripe fruit from a wilting tree branch, and Michael Corleone intends to devour her amidst the rot and decay that's long since taken root in his family, intent on dooming her with him for a chance at another heir. (Michael Corleone x OFC, The Godfather Series)

Are You Humming Radio Company? by @justwhisperingfantasies (Jensen Ackles x Reader, RPF)

Your Fault by @lamentationsofalonelypotato - Reader is pregnant and suffering from morning sickness, only to be comforted by Daryl. (Daryl Dixon x Female!Reader, The Walking Dead)

All I Want by @katehuntington - Sam and Dean come across an object that could be the solution to Michael. The Pearl of Baozhu grants the beholder’s deepest desire. Once Dean focuses on his wish, the archangel remains caged in his mind however. Instead his former girlfriend Y/N shows up, who was killed in 2010 in Detroit, by no other than the Devil himself. (Dean Winchester x Reader, Supernatural)

Power In the Blood by @venus-haze - There’s power in the blood. Father Paul knows this. Soon, you will, too. (Father Paul Hill x Nun!Reader, Midnight Mass)

Change of Plans by @impala-dreamer - Sometimes, you gotta blow off your plans and blow your husband instead… (Jeffrey Dean Morgan x Reader, RPF)

The Broken Circle by @jollyhunter - “Winchester” - That’s the name you applied with at the police department, when you started a new life in Big Sky, Montana, 4 years ago. It’s your deceased husband’s name. Or rather, meant-to-be husband, since Dean died 2 weeks before he got to propose to you. Today you return from your one month time-out. But a lot has changed since you went to visit Sam; You’ve got a new sheriff. And he’s the same man you thought you’d never see again. (Beau!Dean x Hunter!Reader, Big Sky/Supernatural)

Good Girl by @storiesofsvu (Grace Muncy x Reader, Law & Order: SVU)

Looking for more? Please check out my fic rec lists and writers rec lists (1, 2, 3). I do have some things to update like the Beau stories list, Alec, Russell, Jensen, Soldier Boy, Dean, etc (and I promise I will when I hopefully get more time this month) and I do have some more coming out, like for Law & Order: SVU, LOTR, etc.

In the meantime, if you’d like to peruse even more stories that are on my reading lists, please check out @biggerbearsreads and @tbbrebloglibrary (which will eventually take place of the 1st - tbbrl will be more organized by tags, etc) or you can check out @biggerbearficrecs.

And please don’t forget when you come across any and all creative content on here to reblog:

dividers by @saradika-graphics

#fanfiction fridays #january 3rd 2025

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imustbenuts · 5 months ago

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nuts reading in jp 10 - i think vash is stressed + wolfwood's debut

a continuation of a prev post i made about vash switching his pronouns as of chapter 18. personal interpretation and all that.

in that post i highlighted a very surface concept of hierarchy with the pronouns thing.

but to re-summarize what i think im seeing so far: when Vash uses Boku he's keeping a low profile or handing off the flow of the situation to another party, and when he uses Ore he's trying to assert some level of control over the situation. (with more ill get into later)

stranger scenario^

example is the sand steamer arc. there with strangers its Boku. even with kaite during their initial meeting! but once BDN appears and theyre in the face of a dangerous, out of control situation he switches to Ore. for the rest of that arc, it's Ore down all the way.

i couldnt find any instances of him using either Boku or Ore in the geoplant & family legacy arc. assuming the characterization here is centered around the idea of control, and that he uses Boku with strangers, its probably still pre Legato intro behavior.

...yeah about legato.

once Legato appears the narrative quickly goes into Oh Shit mode. theres an ultimate antagonist. antagonist is about to unleash hell on not just Vash, but the already struggling humans on a hostile planet. give them one final nail in the coffin. Vash switches to Ore as we are shown how dangerous and unhinged this yet unrevealed person is in full.

except this part in the flashback/reflection, where we have Vash monologuing in the present time as if he's speaking to Rem:

hes speaking without kanjis, implying hes speaking like a child in his mind. vash uses Boku here to imply that hes lost/unsure/not in control, so that aspect isnt going anywhere. its rather being now hidden under new layers thats being revealed, and building ever up.

that layer, i think, being stress

fast forward and more destruction happens, monev the gale appears, legato does legato things, and the insurance girls pay Vash a visit.

and here i think is something of a budding relationship starting to happen

another aspect of the Ore pronoun is that its more than fine to use within the context of friends. bc theres no real higher or lower standings existing in a friendly context, so to use Ore can be a sign of familiarity or closeness.

and in the context of that scene it is very close to that since the girls are seeing Vash half naked with histories scarred into his flesh. hes open, hes vulnerable, the girls are seeing vash as vash and not The Stampede. (ofc he doesnt tell them straight about his history, the loner's lips are pretty tight on that)

but also again, he's stressed. and then it gets worse when Monev is revealed to be killed anyway after having Vash spare his life.

its probably at this point where the situation is so out of control that he points his gun towards Legato and oop. more Ore. and the lines are so aggressive here, you can tell Vash is out of it.

then chapter 18, or, vol 2 ch 6. vash sits in a bus with the insurance girls and is looking very out of it as noted by milly. the narrative lets us peek into his head and he's thinking about Legato.

and while theres a moment of comedic lightness with him getting freaked out by how freaky legato can be, legato gets more scenes fleshing out how messed up and contradictory he can be. the narrative wants us to know its all serious business going foward.

so my reading of all these: when the situation is so messed up and out of control, Vash uses Ore possibly as 2 things. 1) a stress response, and 2) to wrestle some semblance of control here. bc if hes indeed so pacifistic that he has no true will to bite, he'd probably use Boku a whole lot more. but he isnt doing that.

(it does make me wonder about tristamp vash... nai's dynamic there is different and in this one he says hes actually scared of his brother. the themes of abuse again >_> studio orange can i eat u)

and then wolfwood appears. yay. unfortunately, i dont have a concrete answer of how permanent the Ore is still at this point, since vash actually doesnt use either until a little after meeting wolfwood.

i can only say that these two's meeting in the manga is less cheery than in the 98 anime, bc vash here is reluctant to shake hands with the man with the kansai ben.

possibly bc he doesnt trust him... yet. (vash here seems to be portrayed as a loner, so it probably tracks with that.)

its only after wolfwood giving what little of his money to 2 raggedly looking kids that vash has this moment of connection with wolfwood. so far vash is shown to be good with kids and even likes them. and wolfwood is the same!

this scene below gets talked about a lot from what ive been seeing online. my extra take: interestingly this reads like wolfwood blasted a lot of vash's stress away even for a moment.

wolfwood then expresses that he sees through vash's empty smile, quite brashly climbing over one of the (possibly many) walls vash has.

all of this leads into the first proper connection between the two. vash's first pronoun usage towards wolfwood is a very friendly Ore.

yay. what a scene.

(the boku thing pops up later in the trimax Shoot Me scene between the two of them. their dynamic is so fun and its not even close to over yet. feels like nightow must have been going wheeee when hes drawing all of these...)

#trigun #trigunbookclub

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lastoneout · 5 months ago

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Wheelchair excitement is being more than slightly dampened by concern that either my insurance is going to deny me and I won't be allowed to pay for the chair myself because I have Medicade OR that the physical/occupational therapist and/or wheelchair assessment people will decide I don't actually need one despite my primary, who again is a former EDS specialist and is very certain my quality of life is bad enough I need one, and turn me away.

Like my mom has gotten a wheelchair through Medicaid basically her whole life and she told me that the assessment people aren't allowed to turn you down, they are ONLY there to help you decide what chair will best fit you and take the needed measurements and make adjustments once it's made, the only person who can decide if I truly need one is my doctor and the prescription is the final say, but most of the stuff I've been finding online about the process is saying the assessment people are part of the initial decision about my need for one and their say has just as much weight as the doctor writing the prescription, and I am sadly WELL AWARE of how anti-mobility aid a lot of physical therapists can be so the thought of getting that far and being shut down is concerning me greatly.

I'm also worried my insurance will only approve me for one of those manual transport/hospital drive ones that are too heavy and weirdly built for the passenger to propell themselves meaningfully on their own...I know I can fight it and one of those straight up will not work for me but still. Also I've heard Medicaid will refuse to pay for one if you don't need to use it inside the house, which I won't need mine for that plus my house is way too small for me to even use it in here at all, and I guess I could lie but eugh I am not good at that.

I probably shouldn't worry until I actually get in touch with the assessment people, and tbh when I called them earlier this year to ask what the process was they told me all I need to see them is a prescription from my doctor so I'm really praying everything goes smoothly but like shit typically does NOT go smoothly for me so I know my ass is just gonna be freaking out and over thinking it the entire time.

I just really need this chair. My quality of life is gone, it's so hard for me to even find the will to do the things I need to to regain what mobility I can because I know it will never be enough to allow me to actually do the things I want to do and I don't get to do anything fun in the meantime so I'm just depressed about this constantly, and I truly do not know how much longer I can sit here and watch my entire life go by without me. I want to be able to run errands and spent time with my family and go to museums and parks(masked ofc) and go to school and it is abundantly clear that no amount of knee braces, pain meds, and physical therapy will get me there, so it is truly cruel and unfair to say I should just not do all that because the thing that would let me do it at all is somehow "bad" for me.

I deserve the dignity of risk. I deserve to give informed consent. I deserve to be treated like the fucking adult I am who is more than capable of doing physical therapy and other exercises at home to maintain my muscles and mobility. I can be trusted to know when it's appropriate to use my aids and when it isn't. I am so FUCKING sick of being treated like a literal child by doctors who insist if I get in the chair I will simply give up and never walk again, I'm almost 30, I have self control, I'm not lazy. Every single activity I have given up, be it work or hiking or walks has claw marks in it, I am the opposite of lazy.

I just don't think I can take much more of my life being denied to me by abled people who clearly think all disabled people are lazy idiots who can't be trusted to make their own decisions. I genuinely cannot take it. If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do.

(I think for now to temper the anxiety I'm going to write down all the measures I've tried to fix myself(PT, knee braces, rollator, ect.) and why they haven't been enough to achieve the VERY REASONABLE goals I have for myself. Also all the ways my current medical conditions limit me. That should help me feel more like I can actually convince the right people that we are well past the time that this should have been considered. Fingers crossed anyway.)

#vent #personal #negative #long post

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the-wisteria-library · 2 months ago

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haii !!! may i request cg! grell sutcliff hcs , pretty please ?? i lov her so much . . thank uu very much !

Ofc ofc, we can absolutely make a post for mother UvU I hope you like it!

Caregiver!Grell AgeRe Headcanons

—Grell absolutely adores her babies, this goes without saying. Her Little's, no matter the age, energy level, or "difficulty" are spoiled rotten.

—Grell absolutely gets her Kiddo(s) a little wooden toy chainsaw so they can be just like their mommy.

—Grell absolutely refuses to let her babies see her work, she doesn't want them scared, each time Grell goes out, she comes back with something for her little one, be it a small toy, candy, a new game they can play together, she never comes back empty handed.

—can and will carry her babies indefinitely, Grell's a strong lady. Grell loves cuddling her kiddos, they're her world.

—you know those little doll things Grell makes? She makes one for her baby to cuddle while Grell is at work/away. It's like "having a piece of mommy with you" as Grell puts it. ^^

—if her little is under the trans umbrella/uses a differing set of pronouns/uses a different name than the one assigned at birth, it goes without saying that Grell is the most supportive momma on the planet. Grell can and will bite someone if they disrespect her baby(s)

—Grell absolutely loves playing with her kiddo(s), dolls, dress-up, doing each other's hair, tea parties, anything really. She has gone to work with stickers on her face and glitter in her hair because her baby said it was too pretty to remove. Grell agrees.

—The best storyteller. Grell has a way of making even the most basic stories magical. No really, she could probably read a life insurance pamphlet or something and it'd still be good enough to be a bedtime story.

—Grell can't cook to save herself, she can burn water. Yet somehow she always comes home with yummy food for her kiddo. Strange. (She's stealing it but don't tell, she doesn't want her kiddos to pick up on that behavior)

—Grell set up a play date one time, somehow she got Sebastian to agree to Ciel having a playdate with her kiddo, Grell cried because she got separation anxiety. Poor girl.

—Grell, being a Grim Reaper, works nights a lot, Which she's less of a fan of now because that means she often misses bedtime with her kiddo. Sometimes Grell will go to work late on purpose just so she can tuck her little one in and read them a story. Her baby is more important than some silly job.

#black butler age regression #black butler agere #age regression black butler #agere black butler #black butler agere headcanons #caregiver grell

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silentglassbreak · 1 year ago

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Fragmented

Noah Sebastian x OFC

I had far too much fun writing this chapter.

Warnings: Threats of violence.

+It goes without saying. This is a work of fiction. My words are mine. Plagiarism is a crime.

Taglist: @flowery-mess @lma1986 @myownthoughts12 @poisongirl616 @missduffsblog @reidsblessing @malerieee @jilliemiw86 @thisbicc @xx-like-a-villian-xx @diabolicdiatonics

Part 10 - Take Me Under

“She’s actually fucking suing us?!”

“Mr. Sebastian, I understand you’re upset, but I’m going to have to ask that you lower your voice.”

I tightened my jaw, and squeezed my eyes shut. Elizabeth was sat across the table, her eyes stern on all of us.

After I got the paperwork last night, I called Jolly, who immediately called Alec. The rest of the guys were all served the same lawsuit this morning, and we were told to meet down at Rourke, Mansfield, and Jones, Elizabeth’s office.

I was breathing heavily, massaging my temple with one hand.

“Ms. Hollis has filed for wrongful termination, emotional distress, and sexual harassment.” Her eyes looked up at us, Alec’s mouth hanging open wide. “She’s seeking two million in damages.”

I felt the air leave my lungs.

Two million dollars?

“We have thirty days to respond to the suit, so we need to discuss if we want to counter sue.”

“Wait…what does that mean?” Folio looked absolutely puzzled.

“It means that we can sue her back, for damages.” Jolly chimed in, leaning back in his chair and tapping his fingers on the table.

“How the fuck can she even do this?” I was working overtime to keep my voice even, tugging at my turtleneck.

“She can do whatever she wants. Whether she wins or not is the real question.” Elizabeth and her co-counsel were sitting, flipping through the complaint paperwork. The man sat next to her, who was introduced as Richard Rourke, head of the firm, had his eyes scanning the paperwork at lightning speed.

“Her case is fairly weak, but it’s hard to tell how much ground she can get until we take depositions.” His voice was impossibly deep, serious as a heart attack.

“Depositions?” Nick spoke up.

“Statements. About all of the events.” Elizabeth clarified.

Alec, who had a copy of the complaint in front of him, was reading through it. My eyes glanced over.

“This references the night at the club and the hotel, and then an incident in San Diego where you intimidated her?”

He looked at me sideways, and I rolled my eyes.

“I didn’t fucking intimidate her. I went to her room to give her a piece of my fucking mind.”

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. “In what way?”

“I banged on her God damn door, and yelled at her. She had manipulated me!”

She closed her eyes and set her pen down. “Noah, she says in the suit you lunged at her, and she had to hide behind the door. And that you had to be restrained by Mr. Ruffilo and Mr. Karlsson. That’s not true, right?”

I sat back and scoffed, eyes falling to the table. “This is insane.”

“Mr. Sebastian? Is it true?” Richard asked, baritone voice vibrating through me.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed hard. “It may be.”

The two lawyers exchanged glances, eyes solemn.

“Alright, look,” Elizabeth took her glasses off and set them on the table, her demeanor relaxing for a moment. “I’m going to level with you. I don’t know that we get out of this without some kind of offer.”

I clenched my teeth, staring intently at her.

“I’ve spoken to the insurance, and they’ve assured that if we can get the sexual harassment piece dropped, they will cover this. But if we can’t? This would be out of pocket.”

“To who?” Jolly asked. “To Sumerian?”

Elizabeth shrugged, eyes softening. “It would be joint liability between Sumerian, and Bad Omens, which means all of you may be liable.”

My mouth fell open. “It’ll bankrupt us! We’re successful, but not two million dollars successful!”

“Okay, let’s just take a step back.” Richard placed his palm on the table. “We’re not there yet. For now, let’s just decide if we intend to counter sue, or attempt to settle.” He raised an eyebrow at us. “Either we fight, or we fold. Ultimately it’s up to the insurance, but if they don’t cover it, you guys need to be all in.”

“We’ll give you all a few minutes to discuss it.” Elizabeth stated before she stood from the table with Richard, them both making way toward the door.

Once they left, we all turned toward each other, eyes on Alec.

“What do we do?” Nick asked, Alec looking stressed.

“My gut tells me to take a stand. Who knows what kind of message we’re sending this girl if we just offer to settle?”

I shrugged. “Dude, what is this going to do to our reputations?”

Jolly voiced his opinion. “Well, if it goes our way, it could show a lot of integrity on our end. Not allowing someone to take advantage?”

“Fuck man, I don’t know about you guys, but I ain’t got a million fucking dollars to pay this chick.” Folio was rubbing his face.

“None of us do. But do we really want to let her win?” Nick shrugged.

“Okay, but does that mean we go as far as counter suing her?” I asked.

“I think we should. Emotional distress? Defamation?” Jolly’s voice was concerned.

Folio chuckled. “Realistically, Noah could sue for sexual harassment.”

I eyed him in disbelief. “You think?”

“Fuck yeah, man.” Nick piped up. “She threw herself at you, told people she was going to fuck you, made passes at you. Followed you to your hotel room in the middle of the night? Sounds like harassment to me.”

My chest rose and fell, trying to maintain a sense of calm. “Okay. So let’s do it.”

“That means the insurance won’t back us. It’s a big gamble. Are you sure?” Alec looked directly at me.

“Will Sumerian support us?”

With a sincere grin, Alec clapped my shoulder. “One hundred percent. You guys are family.”

Jolly snorted. “We’ve made the label a lot of money, is what he means.”

Alec pointed at Jolly. “That too.”

This made us all start laughing, like a band of fucking hyenas.

At that moment, Elizabeth and Richard re-entered the room.

“Sounds like we’ve made a decision?” Richard stood with his hands in the pockets of his perfectly ironed slacks.

I pushed my chest out, giving everyone at the table one last look for assurance.

“We’re all in.”

The next month was a whirlwind. The album release was on hold until the lawsuit was dealt with, which was entirely up in the air. Rachel’s lawyers were surprised at our decision to file a counter to their suit, and we received the official denial from the insurance company.

Sumerian hired separate lawyers for each of us upon Elizabeth’s request, to forego any conflicts of interest. I got to stick with Elizabeth specifically, as we filed as separate plaintiffs for the sexual harassment suit. It was all so official, so litigate, that I barely understood any of it.

I had several different meetings with Elizabeth, who insisted I refer to her as Liz, in preparation for my deposition. She told me essentially what I could and couldn’t say, and what would build our case better.

She had me email her the texts threads between Rachel and I, and had gone over each event in disgusting detail so many times. Down to the color of Rachel’s fucking panties. It was grotesque, but I had hoped it was a means to an end. I was exhausted by it all.

Aside from that, I had barely spoken to Mileena since Knott’s, not feeling the same level of affection I did previously. Something about her attitude toward our situation, and the fact that she had reacted the way she did, sat heavy on my heart, keeping the feelings of want and missing her at a good distance, being replaced with resentment and frustration.

When I saw her each week to exchange Addison and Angel, I kept our contact brief, most times not even letting her in. I knew she was hurt by it, now clearly over our argument, but I didn’t feel bad. In fact, I felt satisfied. Some part of me, a sick, enraged part, wanted her to hurt. Maybe then she’d feel how I had been over the last four and a half fucking months.

I was paying a price for all of this that I didn’t fucking deserve, and after a lot of careful consideration, I finally recognized that. Maybe it wasn’t her who deserved better. Maybe it was me.

Most times when she called, I let it go to voicemail. Most texts were left unanswered. I spoke to her as much as I had to, and not a breath more.

Today, she was due to drop Addison off, but she was late. That was becoming more and more of a trend. Had I not been such a tolerant human, I may be annoyed with her. But given all of my other circumstances, I elected not to be, and just enjoy the small bits of extra time I had to be alone.

When my doorbell chimed, I jogged down the stairs, shirtless, having been folding laundry upstairs.

I answered the door and was surprised to find Laura on the other side, Addison standing at her side and holding her hand.

As always, I greeted my daughter first, then Angel, bringing them in, and then swung the door open to let Laura inside, but she politely declined.

“Sorry, I can’t stay. I need to get home.”

I just raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”

She shrugged, an impatient look behind her smile. “Do you care?”

This struck me, making me double take before responding. “What?”

“Noah, you’ve avoided her for weeks. And then you don’t even ask why she’s not here? Do you care if everything is okay?”

I smiled, now annoyed but trying not to show it. “Uhm, I wasn’t asking about Leena specifically, but alright.”

She huffed. “I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough day.”

“You’re good. Just making sure you guys are alright.”

Laura nodded. “I am. Just tired. Leena’s…” She sighed. “She’s dealing.”

“With?”

“Everything? Her and Justin broke up, which wasn’t pretty. You’re not talking to her. She didn’t get the job she wanted. And the lawsuit.”

I raised a hand to stop her. “The lawsuit? That has nothing to do with her.”

She raised her brows, eyes popping open. “No one told you?”

I just shook my head.

“Leena was subpoenaed by Rachel’s lawyer to give a statement. We both were.”

I deadpanned, my brain not processing the information.

“What?!”

“Yeah. We don’t know why, but we can’t get out of it, apparently.”

My hand clenched the doorknob, threatening to break it off. “What the fuck do they want your statements for?”

She shook her head. “No clue.”

I groaned. “Let me call my lawyer. I’ll see what I can find out.”

Laura smiled. “Thanks. I know she’ll appreciate that.”

My jaw clicked. “Not doing it for her.”

Laura rolled her eyes. “Noah, she’s really struggling. I caught her trying to buy vodka.”

“Oh,” I crossed my arms over my chest, glancing back in the house to see Addison sat in front of the TV, toys in hand. “so she’s about where I was four months ago? Sounds about right.”

Her eyes narrowed at me. “You have no empathy for her? She’s supposed to be your soulmate, isn’t she?”

I laughed at that. What a joke. “Yeah, I fucking thought so. But instead she toyed with my emotions so she could fuck me whenever she felt like it.” I leaned back on the doorframe, crossing one leg over the other. “So pardon me if I don’t feel bad. Her being butthurt over her and her boyfriend breaking up sounds like a her problem.”

Laura was staring at me, clearly taken back by my attitude. “You’ve changed, Noah.”

Nodding, I smiled with no joy. “You’re right. I have. It happens when someone is pushed to their breaking point.”

She began to take a step back toward her car. “She loves you.”

Considering this, I resolved to just stating what I considered the obvious. “She doesn’t love me, Laura. She loves the idea. She loves that I love her. That she can do whatever she wants, and I would be here waiting. Too bad that’s over.”

And with that, I shut the door.

I waited an hour until Addison was settled down for her nap before I dialed Elizabeth.

She answered on the second ring. “Hey Noah, how you doing?”

“I’m alright, I just needed to ask you something.”

“What up?”

“Did you know Mileena Richards and Laura Perry were subpoenaed to be deposed?”

The line went silent for a few beats.

“By who?”

“Rachel’s attorney.”

I could hear her breathe on the other end. “Why? Do you know?”

“No. I saw Laura today and she told me. They don’t know why either.”

“Mm,” I could hear a pen clicking on the other end. “Isn’t Mileena your daughter’s mother?”

“She is.”

“And you two aren’t together, correct?”

“Right.”

She sighed. “I’ll call the other attorney. Realistically, this could work out for us.”

I furrowed my brow. “How is that?”

“Well, what's the likelihood that the mother of your child is going to badmouth you?”

I chewed my thumbnail. “Erm,”

I hesitated, and I could hear her voice become apprehensive.

“What?”

“We’re not exactly on good terms.”

“How bad?”

“I mean, it could be worse, I guess? We’re not exactly speaking?”

“Well,” She had a light laugh in her words. “who does she hate more? You, or Rachel?”

I snorted. “Valid point.”

“Exactly. I wouldn’t worry. But probably best you smooth things over a little bit with her.”

Groaning, I sat back on the couch. “It’s complicated.”

“So un-complicate it. Be nice.” She chuckled. “I get that’s hard for you.” I rolled my eyes.

“I can try.”

“Just don’t discuss the case.”

I affirmed, and ended the call.

Staring at my screen, I pulled up our text thread, eyes scanning over the ignored texts from the last few weeks. They came less frequently as time had gone on.

Leena: Noah, we should talk about this.

The night of the fight.

Leena: So, we’re not talking now? Can you answer the phone?

Leena: I don’t want to fight, Noah. I just want to talk.

The next day.

Leena: Well, for what it’s worth, I broke up with Justin. Hope you’re happy.

Three days later.

Leena: Could use a friend. Can I call you, please?

Two weeks later.

Leena: I’ll drop Addie off about 11 today. I’ve got to get her bathed first.

Three weeks.

Leena: I miss you.

Yesterday.

I sighed hard, nearly regretting my decision, but typing the message anyway.

Me: Got a few?

The message was read, but the typing bubble didn’t pop up for four minutes.

Leena: For?

Rolling my eyes, I fired back a message.

Me: To talk.

Leena: Is Addie okay?

Me: Napping.

Leena: So what’s there to talk about?

Frustrated, I set my phone down. She wasn’t going to make this easy.

Me: Just…talk?

Leena: We haven’t talked in weeks. You haven’t wanted to.

Me: Now I do.

The message was read, but no type bubble appeared. I sat, staring at the screen, surprised when I saw her name flashing, a call coming through.

I swiped it open.

“Hey.” I kept my voice calm, trying to sound casual.

“What’s up?” Her voice sounded so tired, despondent. A pang of guilt hit me, but I swallowed it.

“How are you?”

She was quiet, which made me fidget in anticipation.

“You want to know how I am? Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

A hard sigh came through the receiver, and I stood up, needing to pace to keep my nerves in place.

“You’re kidding, right?” She should sound annoyed, exasperated. Instead, she sounded depressed.

“Nope.”

“Noah, what’s going on? What do you want to talk about?”

I stopped pacing, scrubbing a hand over my face and hair. “I just…” Lying to her was harder than I remember. “Laura mentioned you were going through it.”

“So?”

“I wanted to check in.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I do still care about you.”

A weak, tired laugh came through. “Sure you do.” I didn’t respond, not knowing what to even say. “This has nothing to do with the lawsuit, right?”

I sat back down on the couch, leaning my elbows on my knees.

“No. We’re not even supposed to talk about it.”

She scoffed. “So it is about the lawsuit. You talked to your lawyer, and she’s afraid I’m going to shit talk you?”

Was she fucking psychic?

“It’s not about that, Leena.”

“So what’s it about then?” There was a little more fire now, and it made my own spark ever so slightly.

“It’s about wanting to know if you’re okay.”

“Define ‘okay’.” The seriousness in her tone was unmistakable.

“Well, why don’t you tell me how you are, and I’ll tell you if that’s okay?”

This made her laugh, a dark, angry sound. “Let’s see. I’m breathing. I’ve eaten some in the last couple days. I showered today, I guess that’s good. How’s that?”

Sarcasm dripping from her words, I cringed.

“Sounds okay, I suppose.”

“So glad you think so.”

“Leena,” I closed my eyes, trying not to give in to the argument building inside of me. “can you blame me for distancing myself?”

She didn’t answer, so I continued.

“You got so mad at me, and I kept being made out to be this villain. The fucking bad guy. Every time. I can only take so much.”

Still no answer, so I checked the phone to make sure the call was still connected. I heard a breath on the other end, but I kept talking.

“The way you feel now? That’s how I felt for months. Just sitting. Waiting. Hurting. Maybe it’s fair that you feel it for a little while, too.”

Her voice was strained. “You don’t think I was hurting?”

Biting my lip, I answered carefully. “Didn’t seem like it.”

“Noah, breaking up with you was so painful, I thought it may fucking kill me.”

“That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

The sound that came through was something like a gasp.

“Did you call me just to mock me? Tell me I deserve this?”

“No.”

“So why did you call?”

“I don’t know.” I let my head fall forward. “Just wanted to.”

“Yeah? Well maybe you should just leave me to fucking wallow, then.”

“Mileena, Jesus fucking Christ, stop!” I finally snapped.

Going silent again, I took my chance.

“Despite the fact that I’m angry at you, and am not entirely sure what I want anymore from you, I still fucking care! I still love you.”

“Do you?”

Letting my breath go, I squeezed the phone. “Yes. Don’t ever fucking doubt that.”

There was a moment, a fleeting second, where I felt the pain. Where her hurt was pouring out. It came out as a choked sob.

“Noah?” Her voice was thick with tears.

“Hmm?” Was all I could muster.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I pushed back my own tears, not willing to let them fall.

“For what I did to you. I shouldn’t have done it.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Done what?”

“Left you.” Her voice was cracked clean in half, now becoming hysterical. “I fucked up. I fucked everything up and now I’ve lost you. I should have just fought harder. Talked to you. I never should’ve done any of this.”

It was too much. It was too hard, threatening to rip my heartstrings right out and worm its way back in past my walls.

“I’ve got to go.”

She stopped her words short, hearing me.

“Oh.” She sniffled. “Okay, I’m sorry.”

“I’ll call you later.”

I hung up the phone, tossing it onto the couch. Letting my face fall into my hands, I allowed myself only a moment of weakness, where I cried, with no restraint, alone in my living room.

The room we sat in was so fucking cold. Who manages the fucking temperatures in these legal buildings?! It was at least sixty degrees, making a chill run up my spine, beneath my black blazer. Liz sat next to me, typing on her cell.

“How long is it supposed to be?”

She didn’t look up at me to respond. “Should be anytime now. I know they can’t start without us.”

“Leena’s late.”

She sighed. “They can wait. They want her statement? They can wait for her.”

I nodded, hearing the doors to the lobby open, and seeing two bodies walk in.

I hadn’t seen Mileena in two weeks since we spoke on the phone. Laura had done all hand-offs since then. We hadn’t spoken, and I nearly regretted it.

I’m not sure what I expected. Leena to walk in, hair a mess? Makeup running? Wearing sweats?

Instead, she tapped in her favorite black short heels, pencil skirt that hugged her hips, white button-up blouse tucked in, top button undone. Her black hair was pin-straight, lips painted a deep crimson, and black eyeliner sharpening around her brown irises, she looked…unbelievable.

I should be bummed, but instead, I was delighted. I could be angry with her, and still appreciate how stunning she was.

Her and Laura approached Liz and I, stopping in front of us. My lawyer and I stood, her taking their hands one at a time and shaking them. “Nice to meet you both. I’m Elizabeth Jones, Mr. Sebastian’s attorney.”

Mileena smiled at her, but I noticed her eyes remained cold, not looking at me.

“Good to meet you. Are they ready?”

Before Liz could respond, the door opened, a young woman beckoning us in the room.

We all sat around a long table, Rachel at one end, and I at the other. The tension in the room was so gelatinous, it could be cut with a plastic spork. My stomach made an uncomfortable turn when Rachel’s lawyer took Laura’s statement first, Liz objecting to, what felt like, random questions, and told her very brief knowledge of the events.

“Do we need a recess before we proceed with Ms. Richards?”

All eyes turned to Mileena, who had sat still as a statue the entire time, three seats away from me.

She shook her head. “I’m good if you are. I’d like to be done. I have my daughter with a sitter.”

Rachel’s audacity was showing as she rolled her eyes to Mileena’s statement. I bit down hard on my tongue.

“Alright, Ms. Richards. Let’s get started.” The tall, skinny man who represented Rachel walked Mileena through her oath, and began asking questions right away.

“How long have you known Ms. Hollis?”

“Since about September 2023, when Noah was on tour.”

“And what was your relationship with Ms. Hollis?”

“Friendly. We were acquaintances. She worked for the band, who I spend a lot of time with, so we saw each other often.”

“Had you and Mr. Sebastian ever discussed Ms. Hollis, or her employment, prior to the incidents in question?”

“Objection, hearsay.” Liz eyed the lawyer.

“Mr. Sebastian is here to corroborate, is he not?” His attitude was sharp.

“He’s not testifying right now, is he?”

The lawyer rolled his eyes, moving on to the next question.

“Had you ever had any indication that Mr. Sebastian and Ms. Hollis were involved, prior to the incident?”

“No.”

It was firm, and something in me smiled.

“So, he was a good liar?”

“Objection, argumentative. Come on, Drew.” Liz lectured the attorney.

He held up a hand.

“Okay. Let me move on.” He narrowed his eyes. “When were you first made aware of the night of the incident in Manhattan?”

Mileena kept her poker face even. “In San Diego.”

“That would’ve been May 26th, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And did Mr. Sebastian make you aware of that event?”

“Clarify?” She was so calm. With no preparation, even.

“Did he tell you he was with Ms. Hollis that night?”

“Objection.” Liz smirked. “Hearsay.”

Her and Mileena exchanged glances. She was baiting the attorney, and Liz knew it.

I was so turned on.

“How did you come to find out about the night in question?”

“I knew Noah was going to the club. I encouraged him to.”

“Were you aware Ms. Hollis would be there?”

“I assumed. She was a member of their staff.”

“And you had no problem with it?”

“No. As I mentioned, I had no reason to have a problem with it. Noah wasn’t interested.”

“You were sure of that?”

“Yes.”

My chest swelled with pride, but I hid my smile.

“Can you please, in your own words, walk me through the events in San Diego?”

“Which parts? The entire day?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I woke up. I usually pee first thing, but that day, I may have brushed my teeth first. It was about 7:30-“

“Ms. Richards, I’m asking about the events including Ms. Hollis and Mr. Sebastian.”

“Oh. You said the entire day.”

Liz and I both turned our heads, hiding our laughs. Rachel narrowed her eyes.

“Ms. Perry and I arrived at the hotel in San Diego about noon. We met with the group and greeted them. I hugged Ms. Hollis, even. Then. Mr. Sebastian and I went up to his room, where we engaged in about forty-five minutes of rigorous sex.”

I bit down on my fingers, stifling my laughter. Rachel glared at me.

“He then left for the venue to do sound check. I went to the venue for the concert at about 4:30PM with Laura, didn’t see Ms. Hollis at all. Then, after the show, Noah and I went back to his hotel room.”

She paused, her eyes glazing over slightly.

“And?” The attorney edged on.

“I took a shower, and Noah left to get snacks from the lobby. When I got out of the shower, I heard screaming from the hallway. I checked the peephole and saw Noah and Ms. Hollis engaged in some form of argument.”

“And what did that entail?”

“I can’t tell you that verbatim.” She sighed. “All I know is Ms. Hollis was upset with Noah, and I heard her claim that she had feelings for him. She left, and he came back in the room.”

“I see.” He was taking notes on his notepad. “And then you and Mr. Sebastian argued?”

Leena’s face fell, her eyes turning on the attorney, shooting daggers.

“With all due respect, Mr. Riley, but that’s not pertinent to this case.”

He pursed his lips. “No? You didn’t leave that night due to the argument between Mr. Sebastian and Ms. Hollis?”

I watched her intently, seeing the wave of emotions wash over her face. Sadness, pain, anger, and, eventually, exhaustion. She closed her eyes for a moment, but shot him, and then Rachel a warning glance.

“That, sir, is none of yours,” Her index finger pointed down the table to Rachel. “or her business.”

Mileena took a breath, and then stood from the table.

“Now, that is all I witnessed. I have nothing else to add.”

“We’re not done, Ms. Richards.” He motioned to Liz. “She still gets to cross-examine.”

Liz had a triumphant smile on her face, leaned back in her office chair.

“I’m good. I’ve got all I need.”

Mileena just nodded curtly, hooking her bag on her shoulder.

“I guess, then, thank you for your time Ms. Richards.” Mr. Riley stood from the table, an uneasy expression on his face, and held his hand out for Mileena. She shook it uncomfortably.

"I think that's all for the day, gentlemen." Liz stood with the rest of the group, gathering her notes. "Mr. Sebastian and Ms. Hollis' depositions are set for the 2nd of September. Are we still on board?"

Rachel's attorney stole a glance toward his client and his co-counsel, faces stern, before looking back at Liz. "I believe so, but we'll reach out if anything changes."

Liz bid them goodbye, and I noticed Mileena had already made her exit.

I slipped out of the room, noticing her and Laura already halfway out of the door to the building. I jogged after them, opening the door and the sun nearly blinding me.

"Wait up!" I called after them before they climbed into Laura's Altima.

Leena turned around, exchanging a look with Laura, who sat down into the driver's seat, and closed the door.

I was only about ten feet away, and Leena stepped forward, closing the gap until we were face to face.

"What's up?" I could still see the hurt on her features, and I felt all of my insides turn to marshmallow fluff, nearly bursting from my chest.

"That was," I took a long breath. "incredible."

Her lips upturned slightly as she tucked a stray piece of hair out of her face behind her ear.

"It was the truth."

"It was hilarious. You made that jackass earn his paycheck today."

She gave me a full smile now. "Thanks, Noah."

"Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you back."

She shook her head, waving me off. "No, I get it. You need space, I respect that."

My eyes searched her face, but she was looking at her shoes, kicking at the asphalt. "I want to talk. Maybe we can make some time?"

Mileena peered up at me, and opened her mouth to speak, but we were interrupted.

"Hey!"

Both of our heads snapped to the right, seeing the red-blonde hair and bright green blouse stalking toward us, a look of fury on her face.

"What the fuck was that?!" Her question was targeted at me, which made me straighten and my face harden.

"What do you mean?"

She held her hand up, motioning between Leena and I. "You practiced that, right? Her testimony? That's acting in fucking concert. We can get her entire statement thrown out."

I scoffed, turning toward her. "You fucking asked for it, Rachel. Now you're mad it didn't go your way? Shocking."

I had my body in front of Mileena, shielding her.

"She can't fucking protect you, Noah. I don't know why she fucking would anyway." She smirked at us. "You two aren't even together anymore, I've heard."

I felt my throat tighten, the horrific things I wanted to say balling up in my windpipe.

Something was going to spill out, but before it could, Leena took a step in front of me, the scariest, most threatening smile painted on her face.

"Rachel?" The other woman glared at her, eyes full of fire. "We haven't had a chance to talk since all of this happened."

Rachel crossed her arms, looking amused. "No, we haven't."

"In fact, we haven't talked since before I knew how much of a psychotic bitch you were, so I should probably make a few things clear."

The redhead looked like she may explode, her face turning an unhealthy shade of maroon.

Leena's voice was crisp, each word falling off of her tongue so vividly clear.

"You don't know much about me, but you may already know that, like Noah, I'm a recovering alcoholic."

Rachel snorted. "So?"

"So, you clearly aren't aware of what I'm capable of."

"Capable of what? Drinking me under the table?" Rachel chuckled at her own joke, and I clenched my jaw.

But Mileena laughed with her, a sickening sweet sound.

"No, no, probably not anymore." She took a fraction of a step closer, and I imagined Rachel could feel her cool breath on her face. "But, I do, however have a bit of experience I bet you don't have."

Quirking an eyebrow, Rachel put all of her weight on one hip. "Like?"

"Like, I've been in bar fights, jail fights, hell, I even socked a girl in rehab once." She let her smile fall, her eyes becoming a new shade of black. "And that was over some drinks and a pack of smokes. Imagine what I would do to someone who threatens my family."

Mileena then stepped nose to nose with Rachel, who now had her eyes blown wide.

"Whether you like it or not, babydoll, that guy is my family. Together or not, he's mine. So, I sincerely recommend that you head back inside, and leave him alone." Leena stepped back, replacing her smile. "Before I knock your teeth down your fucking throat."

I could see the bravado fading on Rachel, but she was still stood, trying to remain confident.

"Is that a threat?"

Mileena turned back toward me, moving to walk to the car. She threw a glance over her shoulder.

"It's a guarantee."

#fanfic #noah sebastian #bad omens #bad omens fanfiction #noah sebastian fic

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bountyhaunter · 7 months ago

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TIMING: Current. LOCATION: WR general hospital SUMMARY: Daiyu tries to text her siblings while in the hospital, but decides against it. CONTENT WARNINGS: General hospital descriptions.

Daiyu shared a room with an elderly man called Robert, who she'd started calling Robbie the moment she'd gained enough strength to be a little shit. This had been surprisingly fast, according to all nurses present, who thought her annoying ways a little odd, given the traumatic injuries marring her body. It was impressive to a frustrating degree how quickly the patient used her damage voice box to make bad jokes and come up with bad nicknames, though Daiyu knew very little else to do. Robbie had to be playfully bullied. She had to do something besides lay in the relative silence of the hospital.

Of course, she could invite people. Robbie had visitors, who thought her both pitiful and annoying. It was a fair assessment, considering her bandages and solitude contrasted with her big mouth and lame quips. Daiyu wanted to call out to them in a way that was less provocative, to ask them what it was like to feel the urge to visit hospitalized visitors. To ask them to visit her too. She wanted one of those stupid helium balloons. But she did not ask Robbie's family, nor her own, nor the strange combination of acquaintances she'd made in town.

In stead, she kept her phone battery charged and went online. Snarked to some strangers, tried to cover the fall out of the Keep unsuccessfully, asked for help with her dog. Daiyu did not ask anyone to come, though. It was easier to keep it all online. To speak through text, rather than reveal her raspy voice and her leathery skin. To chat about eating cheeseburgers as if she wasn't nauseated by the medication and the smell of burning flesh that had not yet left her nose. It was easy to show bravado behind that silly profile picture while typing words, even if her arm hurt when she did so.

She heard that Rafael had been given a little wake at the bar and wished she could have been there. Mark Stanson was impossible to keep away from the hospital, but she figured it was only because he wanted to keep her patronage after all that had occurred, and not because he cared.

To be cared for was a notion beyond her understanding. The nurses did a good job of it, but they were paid to. The people who knew about her predicament might want to, but Daiyu kepther them. And her family …

There were a few moments where she opened her text messages with her sister and typed fervently until her broken arm was sore. Inna, she had typed, Do you ever think they should get hunter insurance? Like, I think that's totally something you should get into. Just charge other hunters a fuck ton so in the case they end up in hospital for some reason, they don't have to pay a fuck ton. But ofc most of us are too stubborn to go to hospital, so you'd turn an impressive profit. Been thinking about it lots but I don't feel like becoming an insurance mogul. But like, you can go for it. Take my idea and just give me 10% or something, lol. Oh, right, I was thinking about this because I am in the hospital. In Wicked's Rest, if you feel like coming East. JK, stay where you are. You smell too bad, they'd never let you in. But yeah, got into one of those situations where a first aid box and some staples ain't enough. Sucks ass, man. It's expensive here. And the food's shit, not that I feel like eating it. The guy next to me has people coming by every day. They use a Google calendar and everything to make sure he doesn't go a day without visitors. Would you come if I ask? Not that I'd ask, because again, you smell too bad. It'd be a health risk and I don't want you to embarrass yourself like that. But would you ever do that? A fucking Google calendar? Maybe I would, once you get old and sicky (in like three yrs). Anyway. Some fucking lavagirl jumped me. I didn't even start it! I know you won't believe that, but this time I'm so fr. I was just going to my car and she was killing another hunter who was also just getting to his car? Crazy shit. Anyway. They had to do skin grafts. NASTY! It's fine, though. My scars will look more bad ass than any of yours. You'd cry if you had these kinda burn scars, too. Ummm whatever. I'm fine, though. Just waiting for the right opportunity to make my escape. Don't forget my hunter insurance idea, it's a total get rich quick scheme. How's shit at home? Dad's still not croaked it? Damn huh, I thought

The message had been deleted before she could send it. She'd blocked her sister's number to resist the urge to text her in a moment of weakness and had unblocked her a few days later, just in case of emergency.

Vissarion had been met with a wall of unsent text as well, of course. Vis, you won't believe it. Lavagirl is real. She's probably a fae and also an absolute cunt. I tried to fight her and I lost but if you had tried to fight her, you would have totally died. I'm so bored though. Most boring part of being a hunter, am I right? Waiting for your fucking bones and skin to heal. Anyway, just thought I'd message you. Only because I'm bored to tears. Do you want to come hang out? I want to throw jello at you or whatever. You'd totally hate this town, it's quaint and cute and filled to the brim with weird shit. Have you spoken to dad? Lol who am I kidding you're probably sitting next to him right now and so I'm not going to send this because you'd tattle about me being hurt and that is NOT happening. You suck.

Vissa had received a Blingee gif in stead of the above message, which he left on read and didn't respond to, as was par of the course. Daiyu's finger had hovered over the call button, remembering a long time ago where Vissa had crouched across from her when she'd fallen and messed up her knees. She remembered, too, how he'd carried her from a den of werewolves similarly to how Mark had taken her from that parking lot. She never reached out more besides that one gif.

Her dad was not spared any impulse. She also refused to open her messages with uncle Nik, if only because she knew she'd reach out and that he'd come. That couldn't be.

The solitude was a self imposed consequence of getting hurt. It was how it was meant to be. You only showed people your teeth, never your bleeding gums. She'd put her scars on proud display, proof of having survived where Rafael hadn't, but she would never show the forming of said scars. The period before, where she watched Robbie receive another sister and a drawing from a young niece with a hollowness in her chest, where she longed in the quiet dark for Nugget's snout against her hand, where she heard the whirring and beeping of the hospital and had to wait until she could present herself again as brave and resilient, out in the real world outside that white room where she was alone, again.

#solo.

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sjsmith56 · 10 months ago

Text

None Shall Sleep

Summary: Bucky comes to the aid of his neighbour one night when he hears her crying after breaking something in her apartment.

Length: 5 K

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, named but not described OFC, minor OFC, Pepper Stark.

Warnings: Description of eye surgery (personal experience), trust issues, Bucky feeling inadequate, health insurance company assholes.

Author notes: Inspired by this video of a tenor who sang Nessun Dorma (from the opera Turandot) accompanied by a flash mob orchestra in a German bookstore. The video showed up on my FB feed but I’ve always loved this piece, as it’s full of passion. My description of the opera is taken from the internet. https://fb.watch/pE60YHrtsM/? I’ve been to one opera in my life (La Boheme) which I enjoyed. Bucky is a big softy in this one shot which ends very romantically.

👁️ 🎶 🌖

Sam carried the last box into Bucky's new Brooklyn apartment, taking note of the high ceilings and windows this place had, compared to his old place, the small studio apartment. With the settlement for his back pay, and damages for what had been done to him awarded from the now unfrozen assets of Alexander Pierce and several other high ranking HYDRA officials, James Buchanan Barnes was finally in a position to live in a manner that he deserved. Buying this apartment was the start of his new beginning. He also had plans to take some college courses so that he could prepare for a life that didn't involve using just his physical attributes.

"This is really nice, Bucky," he said, as his friend came out of the bathroom with an empty box, pulling the tape off the bottom so he could flatten it. "Pepper found this place for you?"

He looked around. "Yeah, it is nice. Still has enough of the old features like hardwood floors and finishes, vintage claw foot tub in the master ensuite bathroom, mosaic floor tiles in both bathrooms. Feels familiar but it's mostly modern so it should last a long time. Not sure how the other owners feel about me living here but no one's said anything yet."

"Why would they?" Bucky scowled without answering. "Hey, your money is as good as theirs. You're quiet, you're not a criminal, and honestly, it will likely make criminals think twice about trying to break in. I'm sure you'll be attuned to everyone's coming and goings pretty quickly."

"You calling me a busybody?"

At least he said it with a grin. It was true. His bad sleeping habits meant he was often awake at night, watching out the window for anything out of the ordinary. Knowing his neighbour's habits came easily to him but wasn't always understood or appreciated by them. Still, his previous landlord and Pepper Stark wrote character references for him when he first applied to buy in the building.

A week later he had met several neighbours, finding most of them quite nice. It surprised him on the one night when he heard crying from his nearest neighbour's apartment, a woman he hadn't met yet. At first, he listened carefully for any sounds of fighting or abuse, but it sounded more like frustration than anything else. Then he heard the sounds of something breaking and jumped out of bed. Approaching her door, he listened carefully again then knocked before speaking.

"Hello? Is everything alright? I heard the sound of something breaking."

He could hear the sounds of someone approaching the door.

"Who are you?" Her voice sounded both anxious and upset.

"Bucky Barnes. I just moved in next door. I could hear you crying but tonight sounded like you broke something. I can help."

"Fuck." He could barely hear her swear. "Hope he's not an asshole."

With the sound of her locating the locks and turning them, he waited, only to be surprised by the sight of a woman with both eyes heavily bandaged.

"I'm sorry if I woke you," she said, extending her hand outwards, not quite in the right direction. "As you can see I have temporarily lost my sight. I'm supposed to have someone to help me but they haven't showed up for the past two nights and that's left me trying to fend for myself."

He took her hand gently in his, squeezing it then releasing it.

"Well, I'm here and I can help you if you wish."

"I know I broke something, and I stepped on it." She lifted one foot, that seemed cut open. Spreading her hands helplessly, she began to cry again. "Could you just help me?"

"I'm going to pick you up and carry you to the bathroom," replied Bucky. "You have cut your foot. I can take care of bandaging that. Then I'll clean up what you broke. After that, we'll see what more I can do for you, okay?"

She allowed him to pick her up in his arms, carrying her into her bathroom, where he placed her on the counter. Returning to his place for his first aid kit, since she only had a kit of bandages for her eyes, he gently cleaned her foot in the sink, then checked the wound for any pieces of the broken glass.

"What's your name?" he asked, as he applied some antiseptic to it.

"Roberta," she replied.

"That's a pretty name," he smiled. "How long have you lived here?"

"About a year. I sublet from the owner. You just moved in?"

"Yeah, a week ago. If it's not too personal, may I ask about your eyes?"

She lowered her head. "I was mugged, hit my head pretty hard on the pavement. It gave me a concussion and partially detached the retinas in both eyes, so I had to have surgery to fix them. It sounds kind of gruesome, but they had to empty the eyeball of the vitreous gel to do it, then used a laser to seal the tears, and then a bubble of gas to reinflate the eye was inserted to keep the retina in place. As the gas is absorbed into the body, the eye replaces the gel with new liquid, but it takes about six weeks for it to heal properly. This past week I had to sleep on my stomach at the hospital, face down so that the bubble stayed at the back of the eyeball and kept the retina from detaching again. I had an aide to help me at night for the first two nights when I was released, to make sure I didn't flip over onto my back, but she didn't show up last night or tonight. Since I can't see, I can't call my insurance company to find out what happened to her and the woman they got for the daytime doesn't speak much English. She just cooks and cleans for me."

He listened, fascinated by the medical process that would restore her vision, knowing that during the 1930s the success rate for repairing that was abysmal.

"When were your eye dressings last changed?"

"Two nights ago," answered Roberta. "I was trying to do it myself because it felt gross, but I knocked something over and it broke." She lowered her head as if she was looking at the floor. "I just feel so helpless. I'm sorry I woke you up."

Once again, he took her hand in his.

"I'm a lousy sleeper and was already awake. You stay here while I clean up then I'll see if I can help change your dressings. Is that okay?"

She nodded, waiting patiently for her neighbour to return. At least he sounded nice. Bucky wasn't a common name, perhaps it was a nickname. Carefully, she listened as she heard him sweep a broom over the floor and into a dustpan. The running of water was followed by the sound of a cloth being wiped over the floor, presumably to clean up the blood from the cut in her foot. Then she heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

"Just me," he said, before he entered. "Everything's cleaned up out there. Now, how do I take care of your eyes?"

She told him to boil some water first and let it cool, then add a little salt to help with cleaning. He left coming back a few minutes later. He washed his hands, then unwrapped the larger bandage which released the plastic eye shields that protected her eyes. Under them were gauze pads, which he carefully peeled off. All she saw was the light of the bathroom, and the bubble of gas inside her eyes which kept her repaired retinas in place. Everything else was blurred or distorted.

"It's pretty red," said Bucky, his face close enough to hers for her to smell his aftershave. "Is that normal?"

"Well, it's pretty invasive eye surgery so I guess it is. If you could take some clean gauze and dip it in the boiled water, as long as it's not too hot, you can clean the guck off, gently."

Patiently, she waited as he did as he was told, slightly surprised at how gently he cleansed her damaged eyes. She noticed the sound of whirring and that one of his hands was warm and the other cold, which she brought up.

"I have a prosthetic arm and hand," he explained, hesitantly at first. "It's a very high tech one. I'm kind of the only person in the world with one like it. It functions almost like normal, but they can't make it feel warm, or mask all the sounds it makes. I'm thankful for it but I worry about how people see it."

Roberta smiled. "Good thing I could only hear it and feel it then," she said. "Although, I bet it's impressive looking. Is it a prototype?"

"I guess," he admitted, then she was aware his face was further away. "Okay, that looks better. What's next?"

"There's a tube of ointment," said Roberta. "If you pull the lower eyelid out, you can squeeze a small portion into each one and distribute it a bit. That's to heal the incisions." She waited while he did it. "Okay, new gauze to cover my eyes, then the shields over top. Just check that the shields are clean. They can be cleaned with soap and water if they have anything on them."

She smiled as she heard the sound of water, assuming that the shields needed cleaning. Then they were placed over her eyes, and she held them in place as Bucky wrapped the bandages around her head to keep them there. By his silence, other than his breathing which seemed to shift slightly as if he was moving his head, Roberta assumed he was checking his handiwork.

"How is that?" he asked.

"Feels great," she answered. "Thank you."

"Is there anything else I can do for you? I'm guessing anything involving the eyes are out."

"I wouldn't mind listening to some music," she answered. "My phone is around here somewhere. If you could open the playlists, I could choose one. You're welcome to stay if you're not sleepy."

She felt his warm arm circle around her waist as he helped her off the vanity, then he placed her hand on his arm as he led her out to the living room, telling her when they were a couple of steps away from the couch. He joined her a moment later, as he placed her phone in her hand.

"Needs to be unlocked."

"Oh, it's set to Face ID which won't work with these bandages. If I give you the code, do you promise not to go snooping?"

"Scout's honour." She could just feel the smile from him.

After giving him the code she waited while he opened her playlists, then he began listing them off. When he got to her guilty pleasure one of opera, she told him to choose that.

"I'm a bit weird, I know," she joked. "Not many people my age like opera but it was something my dad and I would do every time the Met put on a new one. We always had discount tickets, would go for dinner, then to the opera. Dad loved it and it was time well spent with him before he died."

"I'm sorry. You must miss him."

"I do. He died of cancer just five years ago."

The sounds of La Traviata came on and he smiled as she relaxed, slightly leaning into him. She quickly told him the plot of the opera and encouraged him to close his eyes and lose himself in the singing. There were several other arias from other pieces that played then another came up and she straightened a bit.

"This is one of my favourites," she said. "It's called Nessun Dorma, from Turandot. A disguised prince falls in love with a princess who is indifferent to him. To win her hand a suitor must solve three riddles, but if he gets any of them wrong, then he will be executed. The prince succeeds but she still refuses him, so he challenges her to guess his real name, which would allow her to put him to death. If she doesn't then she must marry him."

"Does she?" asked Bucky.

"That's the mystery behind this opera," said Roberta. "The composer, Puccini, didn't finish it as he died, so no one really knows if he meant this to have a happy ending or a tragic ending. This piece, Nessun Dorma, means none shall sleep, as the princess commands everyone to put aside sleep and find out the prince's real name. Whether she found out and chose to reveal it or not is one of the great mysteries of Turandot. Both endings have been used, written by other composers."

He listened with her, finding it a stirring piece of music. As they listened to several more, he became aware of her breathing becoming deeper and more regular. Roberta had fallen asleep. Gently, he extracted himself from beside her then remembered what she said about sleeping with her repaired eyes. Going to the linen closet he pulled out some towels and rolled them into position on her bed, to surround her face, keeping it off the surface of the sheets. Then he returned to the couch and gently lifted her into his arms. She whimpered a little and buried her face in his chest.

"You smell good," she whispered, sleepily. "I like it."

"Thank you," he whispered back.

Gently, he positioned her face down, making sure that she was set in a way that was comfortable but allowed her to breathe. Then he covered her up with her bedcovers and turned off the light. Returning to his apartment, he laid on the couch, falling asleep until the morning.

Knowing that Roberta wanted to phone the insurance company about the aide not showing up, Bucky woke up early then listened carefully to any signs of the young woman getting up. When she did, he went over and knocked on the door, waiting as she approached. Instead, it was another woman who opened it and he looked at her a little surprised. She spoke Spanish, identifying herself as Maria, the daytime helper who cooked for Miss Roberta. Addressing her in Spanish, Bucky identified himself, waiting while she checked with Roberta before she let him in.

"I thought you might want me to help phone the insurance company," he said when she came out of the kitchen. "Find out what happened to your night-time aide. I also speak Spanish if you want me to tell Maria anything."

"Yes please, to both," said Roberta. "Thank you for putting me to bed last night. I actually had a good sleep because of how you arranged the towels. How did you know how to do it?"

He shook his head. "Just seemed right."

She gave some instructions for Maria, which he passed on, then dialled her insurance company for her, placing the phone on speaker so she could talk to the agent. When she told them the aide hadn't shown up for two nights they disputed her account, saying the woman had clocked in. Bucky frowned as he listened then asked if he could speak.

"Hi, I'm Roberta's neighbour," he started. "I can't say about Monday, but your aide was definitely not here last night because I heard Roberta crying after she broke something and cut her foot open. I looked after her, cleaning her eyes and changing her dressing. She wouldn't be phoning to complain if your employee actually showed up, don't you think?"

"Well, our employees are very professional and whose to say that you aren't lying on behalf of Miss Paxton?" said the woman on the other end.

Roberta's face reddened when she heard that, and Bucky felt his own irritation grow at the insinuation.

"Well, why don't I give you the name of someone to verify my identity," he said. "If you would be so kind to contact Pepper Stark at Stark Industries, I'm sure she can vouch for me."

"Your name, sir?"

"Bucky Barnes, currently one of the Avengers. My full name is James Buchanan Barnes."

There was no sound from the insurance agent for a moment. Then there was a little cough, and she came back on.

"I will make that call and get back to you, Mr. Barnes," she said. "Will you be at this number?"

"Yes, I'm not going anywhere."

He hung up and placed the phone on the table. There was silence between them until Roberta extended her hand towards him. Gently, he took it and held it.

"You're really him? I didn't quite hear your last name when you came in last night."

"Yeah, I'm him, the former Winter Soldier. Once we get this cleared up, I won't come around anymore, if my presence makes you uncomfortable."

"No, I mean, I would like it if you came over. I enjoyed your company. You were kind to me and let me talk about opera and never once interrupted. That's more than most men have ...."

She coughed, then began to cry and Bucky reached into his pocket for his handkerchief, then looked at it, realizing her eyes were still bandaged. Maria looked at him, whispering in Spanish that perhaps an arm around the young woman would be acceptable. With a slight smile to her he did just that and pulled Roberta close.

"I'm sorry. I'm kind of predisposed to being rejected and kind of jumped the gun on your reaction to who I was."

His phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket, seeing that it was Pepper. He explained to her why the insurance company was calling, smiling as she expressed dismay that they would leave a woman without home care when she was basically helpless because she couldn't see.

"If they don't send anyone, I'm happy to help her," he said to Pepper. "Roberta is very nice, and we got along just fine."

"Well, if they don't send someone, or if no one comes, you let me know, and I'll hire a small team myself to help her out."

He passed on the message to Roberta, who thanked Pepper profusely, then hung up, expecting to receive a call from the insurance company. When it still didn't come an hour later, they phoned again, were put on hold then the call was dropped. At that time, Maria came out of the kitchen with her phone, looking like she had bad news. With a halting voice, she told Bucky she was laid off, as Miss Paxton's insurance policy had been cancelled. Worriedly, she looked between Bucky and Roberta.

"Hold on, Maria," he said in Spanish. "You won't be laid off, I promise. Wait with Miss Paxton while I make another call."

After telling Roberta he had to make a private call he headed out to the hallway and called Pepper to pass on what he had learned. She swore profusely, then he heard a large exhale of breath from the executive.

"Alright, I'm assembling a team to take over Miss Paxton's care, and you tell Maria she now works for Stark Industries starting at twice the measly pay they were probably giving her. Then I'm calling my lawyer and getting them on the sudden cancellation of her policy. They can't do that, and I won't let them get away with it if I have to buy the company myself. Don't you worry, Bucky. We'll take care of Miss Paxton while you're on mission." She hesitated for a moment. "Okay, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but you'll be getting a call shortly."

Returning to the apartment, he broke the news gently to Roberta, then assured her that she would be looked after. He also told Maria she still had a job, with Stark Industries, sending the woman into her own joyful expressions that someone would do that for her. As she thanked him enthusiastically for his help, he received his mission alert from the Avengers and looked at the readout. He had six hours to report for duty.

"Well, I have some sad news," he stated. "I'm being called out for a mission, but you can take Pepper Stark's insistence on a team to look after you as the complete truth. She'll make sure you're taken care of while I'm gone."

"How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know but we can talk whenever I have a chance," he replied. "Give me your phone and I'll put my information in."

He entered his information in her phone then did the same to his. Then they sat together on the couch. Her hand slowly inched its way towards his and he held her hand while they waited. An hour later, the doorbell rang, and the first member of Roberta's care team, Julie, arrived, along with a contract for Maria to sign that she explained fully to the woman. He stood up, then began to walk towards the door.

"Bucky, can I see you privately for a moment?" asked Roberta, then she blushed and grinned. "You know what I mean."

Julie took Maria into the kitchen, leaving the couple alone. Hesitantly, Robert lifted her hands towards Bucky, and he took them, holding them in his hands. She stepped closer, until there was barely any space between them. Raising one hand to his face, she cupped his cheek as he watched her intently.

"Thank you for taking care of me," she murmured. "You're a very nice man." He began to protest but she placed her fingers on his lips, and he instinctively kissed them, bringing a smile to her lips. "You are a nice man and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When you get back, I would like to see you again. I don't know many nice men and I kind of want to keep you around."

If she could have seen it, his smile likely would have dazzled her. With his free hand he brushed some hair over her shoulder then leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

"I would like to see you again, Roberta," he answered. "You're a very nice lady and I don't know many. You let them take care of you while I'm gone, okay?"

She nodded and they kissed again, for longer and with some feeling. Then he caressed her face and left to get ready for his mission.

Two months later.

Carefully, Bucky looked at himself in the mirror of his apartment, satisfied with his haircut and the trim of his beard. After making sure his tie was right and that there were no white cat hairs on his black suit, he turned towards the window. Alpine, the stray kitten he found on the mission and brought back with him, watched from her cat tree in front of the large window. He confirmed he had his wallet and his car keys, then checked the inside pocket for the tickets, smiling at how excited Roberta would be when he told her where they were going.

"What do you think, Al? Do I look good?"

A cross between a meow and a trill greeted him, confirming that he did indeed look good. Leaving a light on in the living room, he gave the kitten a quick stroke on the head, then left, locking the door behind him and walking to the apartment next door. He could hear opera playing in the apartment and smiled, then knocked loud enough to hear the music stop and footsteps approaching the door. It was opened and for a moment he was dazzled at the vision in front of him. Roberta was in a form fitting black dress that seemed to glitter like the night sky. Its open neckline highlighted her collarbones, and a hint of décolletage completed the top part of the dress. A long slit on one side showed off her shapely leg, along with the strappy-heeled sandals she wore.

"Wow! You look amazing," he said, leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek. "Pepper helped you get that dress, didn't she?"

Roberta blushed. "Maybe. We've become good friends, I think. So, we must be going somewhere fancy because you're looking good as well."

"Darlin' I always look good," he grinned, then his face grew soft as he came closer. "I mean it. You look like a dream and I'm the luckiest guy alive."

They kissed and she used her thumb to wipe off the lipstick that transferred to his lips. Taking her lipstick out of her clutch she reapplied it then waited as Bucky approached with her coat, helping her put it on. They held hands on the elevator down to the parking garage, where Bucky held the car door open for her until she was belted in, and he got in behind the wheel. As they passed over the Brooklyn Bridge, he told her to close her eyes so that it was a surprise. When he pulled up in front of the Metropolitan Opera House, he reminded her to keep her eyes closed. After helping her out, he handed his keys to the valet, then whispered in her ear.

"Open your eyes."

She opened them, ignoring the camera flashes from the paparazzi and seeing they were in front of the Metropolitan Opera House. A big smile appeared on her face, and she looked up at him.

"It's Turandot, isn't it?" she asked. "You got tickets?"

He nodded, then took her hand into the crook of his arm and began to walk to the entrance. There were several calls of his name, and he stopped once, to the sounds and flashes of multiple cameras going off, then they turned away and continued inside. After dropping off her coat at the coat check, they went up the staircase to the Parterre, where they were shown their seats, two in the front row of the left center box. Two programs were already waiting for them, and he watched with an amused smile as she excitedly read it through. When the music started, she watched the performance intently, occasionally glancing at him and squeezing his hand.

At the intermission, they went out and ordered champagne for her, bourbon for him, sipping it as several celebrities approached them, introducing themselves. Bucky was polite but reserved, his attention directed all towards Roberta. The second half of the performance was just as enthralling as the first, especially when it came to the performance of Nessun Dorma, which drew a standing ovation and cries of "Bravo" for the tenor who sang it. Bucky watched Roberta's face as she sat, enthralled at the whole experience. When it ended and the theatre started to empty, she sat bright eyed, still staring at the stage until she turned to him.

"That was amazing," she enthused. "I've never seen it before, and it was everything I ever hoped it would be. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he smiled, standing and offering her his hand. "Now, we can go to dinner, or we can pick up some takeout and have it at your place. I'm good either way. Which do you prefer?"

"You really don't mind takeout? These sandals are beautiful, but I'm not used to them, and I wouldn't mind changing into something more relaxing."

"Takeout it is," stated Bucky, as they approached the coatcheck and he helped her on with her coat.

On the drive back to the apartment building, they held hands, stopping only when they picked up some Chinese food. They were both quiet on the elevator ride to their floor. Inside her apartment, Roberta left Bucky to open the containers as she disappeared into her bedroom, coming out in a pair of leggings and a soft tunic. He took his jacket off, draping it over the back of the chair, then slipped his shoes off. They both ate a good portion of their food, then Roberta winced when she stretched her one foot, noticing she had a blister forming. Putting his food aside, Bucky switched positions on the couch and gestured for her foot, gently massaging it. As he ran his hand over her foot, he rubbed her ankle then her calf muscle, watching her intently.

"Stop," she whispered.

He stopped. Carefully, she shifted closer to him, ending up on his lap. Looking at his tie, she loosened it enough to raise it over his head, then unbuttoned several buttons on his shirt, placing one of her hands on his upper chest.

"Stop," he murmured.

She stopped, still perched on his lap, close enough that she was well aware of the warmth of his body radiating through his shirt and the hands that rested on her thighs, in addition to the bulge already forming in his pants. They gazed at each other then Roberta leaned closer.

"None shall sleep," she said softly.

"You're sure?"

"Very sure."

Slowly, he ran his right hand up her body to her neck. Placing his hand at the back of her neck he pulled her closer then wrapped his arms around her as they kissed passionately. They explored each other's lips and mouths thoroughly, before pulling away, each of them a little breathless. Lifting herself off of Bucky, Roberta went over to her phone and brought up the opera playlist then turned off the light and stood in front of the couch, offering him her hand. He kissed it, then raised himself off and picked her up in his arms.

"You smell good." Her eyes were luminous in the dark that was lit only by the moonlight coming in the floor to ceiling windows. "I love you."

He smiled softly, kissing the top of her head. "I love you, too."

To the sound of her favourite arias, Bucky carried Roberta into the bedroom where neither of them slept until much, much later.

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One shots Masterlist.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #buckybarnes original female character #sam wilson #bucky barnes oneshot #opera #Turandot #Nessun Dorma #romantic bucky #eye surgery

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testiculartorsionlover · 19 days ago

Text

Journal #2 : sharing feelings + therapy

hello, i'm writing this as a means of grounding myself, i feel really disconnected from myself and fear that i may switch out, and i am seriously trying my best to not dissociate. will writing this actually help, i don't really know because it might delve into dissociation a fair bit but it'll also talk about other things.

i haven't taken my meds in a while because apparently i need to call my insurance to mail order them for me but they havent even been calling back, or something like that. i usually take abilify but i question if i need a higher dose sometimes, because i feel like it doesn't do much (after writing this i realised they do a lot lmfao). but lately, despite being unmedicated, i'm not going through any major episodes so far.... other than some rapid mood shifts. i'm also more impulsive and have been partaking in a lot of drug use, but i'm careful about it atleast. im more irritated than usual. ive been lashing out on my fp and been extra paranoid. i've been on and off suicidal apparently but no memory of that as i am writing this.

my intrusive thoughts have kinda been making a come back.

i seriously need my meds back. they seriously stabilise me.

i went to therapy this tuesday. she read my dissociative journal in full (my physical journal that she gave me) it was kinda embarassing having her read it. i rarely am open about my parts in therapy, up until now atleast. it also went into depth about the symptoms of my other disorders, how parts of me felt, my memory loss, my obsessions, etc. she evaluated me briefly, i think for depression. i scored moderately, but i was frankly too dissociated at the time to answer questions properly. it was a different depression screening than the other one ive taken, i honestly thought this test was a lot better, it was a lot more extensive.

i've apparently declined a bit, but i don't feel it. is it my dissociation hiding it away from me? i don't know really.

i haven't recalled any fugue episodes since my last journal entry or maybe my amnesia is covering that up (can that happen? idek). that's a good sign atleast, im hoping it's the former. my fugue states feel really scary although i dont get them commonly at all, if i had to estimate id probably get them once a month. but i mostly have "partial amnesia" or i guess more mild fugues if you could call it that. ngl my fugues have improved a lot ever since i was first treated for dissociation and trauma. at first it used to be like maybe once a week (very rough estimate but it might as well be just as common as that) to now its lessened. that happened after i processed some traumas, it improved my dissociation quite a bit as well. my dissociation was always really really bad.

i've been experiencing some denial about my disorders. i worry that i'm just crazy. that i'm gaslighting myself into believing i have problems because my life was more "privileged" as i have been recieving help from an early age. it doesnt help that i was misdiagnosed with a lot of disorders as well. i still question if my bpd was a misdiagnosis though i meet most of the criteria. i got diagnosed so young. meds have been the only thing to help my bpd symptoms, same with some dbt skills.

my amnesia is more or less the same outside of the fact that i havent had any major fugues.

i am constantly depersonalized and derealised. but with certain alters its a bit better.

i might make a journal post about my alters, just to make sense of them. even though i said i would never really be super descriptive of my parts, maybe i will be very rarely (ofc id never do like alter intros or give off personal info about them but maybe ill share my experiences with them very rarely)

anyways i feel crazy writing this, i don't even know if im describing my experiences properly

#did #did system #actually mentally ill #mental health #endos dni #sysblur #did osdd #osdd #system stuff #actually did #trauma #complex ptsd #ptsd #actually ptsd #ptsd recovery #childhood trauma #living with cptsd #actually cptsd #c ptsd

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thedeathwitchescats · 1 year ago

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Do you have any ideas/headcannons about Renee/Andrew/Neil ?

This is the best question anyone has ever asked me because absolutely yes I do. Ill keep this to [mostly] canon compliant ones for simplicity. Apologies in advance

Renee and Andrew started dating relatively soon after he went to Palmetto and told no one about it. For Renee it was mostly to avoid judgement and for Andrew it was because he didnt care about other peoples opinions. Wymack, Abby and Bee know though. Bee because Andrew told her, Abby because Renee told her and Wymack because Wymack knows everything

I always still pictured Andrew as being biromantic but still not sexually attracted to women, and Renee was saving herself for marriage ((after she was born again obviously))

When Neil appeared Andrew was immediately infatuated, but still very suspiscious, and Renee was also warry, the two of them had many deep discussions on the roof about whether they could trust him or not

((Imagine a world where Renee sometimes went with the monsters to Colombia, and also Andrew hadnt stopped Nikky from making advances on Neil for this one to make sense)) Renee was there for Neils first night at Columbia and she was the one who told Andrew that Nikky kissed Neil unconsensually ((no Nikky slander in this post, i am well aware my opinions of this man are niche)) and it was after this that Andrew made a conscious effort to get Nikky to stop making Neil uncomfy

Renee was the first person that Andrew let hug him after he left the Spear household, it was during his first year midterms, he was stressed and riddled with medicated anxiety. Renee asked if she could give him a hug because it helps her to calm down and after that Andrew started to breathe easier and decided that, when asked and with granted permission ofc, he kind of liked hugs

Andrew figures out that he is head over heels for Neil pretty early on and has a conversation with Renee about it. She tells him that she also seems to have feelings for Neil and they decide that they are going to slowly approach him and try to figure him out. Cut to the convo at the store where Renee is getting Andrew a bday gift and Neil is there, Renee tells Neil some details of their situation ((being that Andrew is gay but that they are still together because they have a very deep bond and sex isnt important to either of them)) And Neil is confused but understands and supports. Renee tells Andrew that she genuinely can not figure out what is up with Neil and Andrew decides to leave it alone ((in Andrew fashion which equates to calling Neil family, giving him a key and calling it home, letting Neil drive his car, putting Neil on his insurance for his new car, giving Neil an entire new wardrobe- you know, normal shit))

Also in this world Renee was the one who has Andrews other key, not Nikky

Renee and Neil actually start formulating a relationship while Andrew is in easthaven (("you took his car and now your taking his girl" or whatever it was specifically that Nikky said i cant remember atm)) And when Neil goes to the nest she knows as well as Kevin. She tries to stop him but after he tells her it is to protect Andrew she nods solemnly and tells him to take hers/andrews knives to keep himself safe

When Neil gets out Renee picks him up from Wymacks apartment and is angry and upset and that is when she kisses him, gently as to not hurt him buy fierce enough to get her point across. She breaks down and tells him everything and says that she never should have let him go. Neil is stunned and doesnt know how to react. This is when the upperclassmen ((who were all scattered around because theyre in Renees dorm room)) find out about Andrew and Renee

When Andrew comes back and is very obviously traumatized Neil decides not to push the issue and to let Andrew be the one to approach him

Renee starts going to Columbia with them weekly now that their secret is out. Her and Neil dance while Andrew watches protectively. Renee is still a very traumatized individual but she has softer edges about pda and physical touch. Her and Neil kiss in the crowd and Andrew realizes he is done for

"Doesnt mean i wouldnt blow you" happens in front of Renee instead of Kevin and she is proud ((if not a tiny bit shocked))

Andrew and Neils first kiss on the rooftop is short and Andrew talks to Renee who assures him that Neil would have said something if he was hurt and Andrew, who didnt know he was capable of regret, finds himself regretting it all

Neil and Andrew start working on communicating, because all good relationships have communication even the "not relationships"

Right up until Neil starts getting spooky count downs and ominous bloody messages from papa dearest, then communication is a little limited

Andrew and Renee know that there is something going on with Neil and are worried but he wont say anything about it and is acting normal, if not happier

When Baltimore happens he tells Andrew "thank you, you were amazing" and he tells Renee "get to the bus safe" before he disappears into the crowd ominously

Renee didnt stop Andrew from choking the life out of Kevin and called Jean in a blind panic to see if he knew anything

Kevin started speaking and she reasoned that Jean didnt know anything

Renee was just as angry as Andrew and all but told him to kill Kevin before she reigned herself in, clutching her cross and praying that her sweet, dumbass redhead would get home safe

Instead of wymack ((mostly because I never saw the physics of that one)) it was Renee who was handcuffed to Andrew and neither of them slowed down the second they realized where Neil was

Neil fell into Renees chest while Andrew checked his injuries and Renee about lost her damn mind when Allison mentioned the bet but kept her calm because Neil was there and he was safe

The FBI relented and let the two of them tag along with Neil and when he signed his name, "Neil Josten" he took a deep breath and allowed Nathaneil to die peacefully in his mind, because Neil was free in a way Nathaneil never could be

Renee understood that look, Natalie had to do the same, tucked away in a corner and put to rest in a mental grave. They shared a look of deep understanding

After everything is said and done its still andrew and neil and Renee and Andrew and neil and Renee and all three of them combined and their special and happy and they keep each other sane

During the girls last year there is endless teasing and quips made about the three of them but they couldnt care less because its their last year and they are going to make the most of it

Andrew and Aaron have it out and both of them decide to chose their "nothings" over each other, and because of this Renee takes Aarons place in the monsters

Andrew and Aaron start building their relationship from the ground up, and its hard, but he has both his *everythings* there to keep him sane

Andrew and Renee change their last names to "josten" because they fought so hard for that name and technically three people cant get married

Speaking of marriage, Dan and Matt get married in Dans last year and Renee and Allison are bridesmaids, Neil and Andrew are groomsmen. The three of them dance and congratulate the happy couple

They win championships that year and, mostly just to fuck with the crowd, Neil and Renee each kiss Andrews cheek right before they walk off court. Its fun and silly and they celebrate afterwards and care so deeply for each other

When Renee leaves it hits hard, she calls and texts as much as she can but its hard. Neil loses a little bit of his spark and Andrew cant help but miss their other third

Neil and Andrew start sparing and essentially dont leave each others side

Matt is also having a time of it with the girls being gone, and during this year its that Matt moves into Andrew and Neils dorm officially

Kevin transfers to the Trojans with Jean and Jeremy and is happier there, and theyre all happy for him

During Andrews last year Neil all but loses his mind

Renee officially retires from exy that year and moves back to Palmetto state to help with the transition because she knows its hitting both of them pretty hard

Andrew is anxious and cant decide whether he wants to keep playing exy, or go straight into law

Neil doesnt know what he is going to do for a year without either of them and is constantly in a state of panic

Both Andrew and Renee try their hardest to keep the rabbit sane because they know how scary the thought of being alone is and Neil will absolutely never be alone

When Andrew graduates Renee and Neil make one of those obnoxious signs and all the foxes show up for support and its bittersweet but mostly amazing

They also win championships that year again, Andrew locked the goal down for the entire game and wymack was so proud, even though he only had one of his kids left in the coup ((I would say nest but considering the fandom...))

Neils fifth year is hard

Andrew decided to retire his exy racket and go straight into law, finally selling the Columbia house and getting a better place about an hour outside Palmetto

Renee joins the peace corps ((to be honest I only kind of know what they do so bear with me apologies)) and is overseas for a little over two years

Neil goes home to Andrew every weekend ((their partying days behind them and their movie marathon days ahead)) and both of them call Renee every day

When Neil graduates Renee gets leave for a weekend and flys in to celebrate with them

Its one of the best weekends they had ever had

When Renee retires ((from what I can tell its usually two years of required service but correct me if Im wrong)) the three of them move in together in their little home outside Palmetto and are happy

Neil plays professionally for about 10 years, Renee starts teaching, Andrew is a lawyer

Its perfect

Andrew and Renee still spar, and Neil still runs every morning

Renee makes a pot of coffee before he gets back and they never run out of sugar despite andrews best attempts

Renee teaches Neil how to make cookies because Andrew burns every batch he touches almost

They watch all the foxes on TV and rep Allisons athlesiure brand every where they go essentially

The foxes have Thanksgiving all together at their house every year because as Wymack gets older flying is bad for his heart

Its the off season of the year Neil finally retired ((now a math professor)) that they announce to their family that Renee is pregnant

Andrew is terrified he is going to be a bad father, Neil doesnt know where to start and Renee has faith that it is all going to be okay

They never check to see whos kid it is biologically ((though the odds are its probably neils)) because it doesnt matter

Their prescious twins are brought into the world with three parents, four grandparents and more aunts and uncles than any one kid can count

Renee was often sick while she was pregnant and neil researched every method to help with nausea possible

He got Kevin ((who also eventually retired from exy and because a sports dietitian)) to help him find recipes that she could actually eat

Andrew was very protective while she was carrying and if she even so much as looked at a door handle it became a race between him and neil

Her water broke while her and Neil were coming home from a long day of teaching, Andrew was still at the office

Neil took on andrews approach to driving during their trip to the hospital and held her hand every step of the way

Andrew got there just in the nick of time, pressing a kiss to her forehead and taking her other hand, making eye contact with neil as she pushed out the first of the twins

It was a short labor and each of the boys held a baby, foreheads touching and ankles crossed, as Renee took a much needed nap

All of the foxes flew/drove in to see the babies and the three of them

It was a special time

It was surprisingly Neil who taught their kids how to bake cookies, the same recipie that Renee taught him

Andrew and neil get breakfast tacos every Saturday morning at their favorite little food truck while Renee and the kids sleep

Neil goes to church with Renee and their kids every Sunday, while Andrew works

He can never fully heal from his religious trauma, but he knows its important to Renee and he knows that Neil has found a comfort in God as well ((i can never decide if I headcannon Neil as Christian or atheist but today its christian))

A few months before the twins were born Andrew stopped wearing his armbands all together, the knives having long since made their disappearance

And he, in an age appropriate way ofc, teaches their kids what his scars were and reminds them to talk to someone and never feel like their only resort is to hurt themselves

They love each other so dearly and they love their kids so much and its special and happy and they love their lives

When the three of them die their cremated together and the twins each take a smaller urn for their respective mantles to hold

#i have more but i also have classwork so please enjoy this haphazard list of things i have thought about the three of them over the years #i hope this makes sense #aftg #andrew and neil #andrew neil and renee #neil and renee #renee and andrew #andrew minyard #renee walker #neil josten #all for the game headcannons #im so sorry if this was too long/not what you meant 😭#🪓

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