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wardenparker · 10 months ago

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Vampire Waltz - ch 17

Max Phillips x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

A mysterious inheritance, sprawling mansion, eccentric roommates, friendly bat, and coven of New England witches are the newest chapter of your life after being unceremoniously dumped and kicked out by your boyfriend. For Max, the biggest change in his life is you, and what exactly he's going to do about the fact that he is stuck living with you as long as his sire continues to punish him for that incident at his last office...

Rating: Mature, but this blog is always 18+ Word Count: 9.1k Warnings: *Blanket warnings for this series: deceased parents, cursing, food, blood and blood drinking, depictions and references to abusive relationships. Anxiety and trauma responses. Self-worth issues.* Honestly, not many warnings here. Mostly fluff and some sexy flirting and blood drinking/talk of biting. Summary: On the night of the Samhain ball, your long-anticipated return home is marked with tears, hugs, and a very important announcement. Notes: Next week's epilogue will be the official end of this story, my darlings, and I am so grateful for every single one of you who has come along for the ride!

Ch 1 ~ Ch 2 ~ Ch 3 ~ Ch 4 ~ Ch 5 ~ Ch 6 ~ Ch 7 ~ Ch 8 ~ Ch 9 ~ Ch 10 ~ Ch 11 ~ Ch 12 ~ Ch 13 ~ Ch 14 ~ Ch 15 ~ Ch 16

"Miss Allison, I promise you that everything is under control." Mrs. Taylor has watched Allison work her very hardest to finish the plans on the Samhain ball, and she has done wonderfully. Far more wonderfully than Allison herself would ever take credit for. Now, though, it is up to Mrs. Taylor and the rest of the staff to get the buffet tables and innumerable chairs set. "Please go and get dressed. We will take care of everything from here. It is going to be a wonderful night."

“Are you sure?” She bites her lip and wracks her brain, running through the mental checklist that has been swirling through her mind and double then tripled several times.

"This is not, as you like to say, my first rodeo." The elder vampire chuckles at the expression and motions toward the stairs. "There is plenty of time. Take a shower or even a bath. Relax yourself. Get dressed. It is time to enjoy your night."

“Do you think we ordered enough blood and donors?” She asks worriedly. Vampires from all over are descending on the estate and some do not drink from blood bags, so concessions had to be made.

“Mr. Finchley counted through the bags this morning and Renee is meeting each of the donors as they arrive.” Mostly students from the neighboring college, the set of a dozen voluntary donors for the night have signed contracts for financial compensation that they are permitted to back out of at any time if they should decide — and they will also be provided with enormous care packages made by the Taylors regardless of how long they stay or how many guests partake of their blood. Mrs. Taylor has baked and cooked enough in advance for each of them to essentially have a week’s worth of free food and Mr. Taylor went through enormous trouble to find them all manner of health and self-care items as well as other goodies. “Mr. Taylor had offered to speak to everyone but Renee thought the young ladies who signed up might be less intimidated if she was the one to greet them.”

“That would be best. I can also meet with them. Explain how it is for a human.” She offers with a slight blush. Last night she and Eddie had indulged in that particular activity after the conversation they had and she loved it.

Mrs. Taylor smiles at Allison’s blush, not calling attention to it but certainly noting the happiness in the young woman. Things appear to be going quite well. “I’m sure they would be comforted to hear from you.”

“Then I will meet with them when they are ready.” Allison decides with a smile. “Please have someone inform me when that is?”

“They have been asked to arrive by nine o’clock tonight.” The mantle clock beside them reads just after seven, meaning there truly is plenty of time. “The Master is taking it upon himself to greet any trick or treaters we might have tonight, so do not feel you need to rush in readying yourself.”

“He loves children, doesn’t he?” Allison asks, tilting her head and smiling at the thought of the elder vampire greeting kids and cooing over their costumes.

“He does.” Mrs. Taylor nods. The same expression of soft admiration paints both their features and the housekeeper clasps her hands a moment later. “Would you like a tea tray for your room? Or any help getting ready?”

“Some tea would be lovely.” She admits before she thinks about something else. “Is— has Dolly’s room been prepared for her return?” She asks softly, as if asking about it might jinx things.

An enigmatic smile from Mrs. Taylor is not the reassurance she is looking for, but the vampiric housekeeper has plenty of her own secrets as well. “All is prepared for. Truly, there is nothing for you to worry about. You should try to enjoy yourself tonight, miss.”

“Were you nervous when you were human?” Allison asks in wonder. “Or have you always been so self-assured?”

“Oh goodness no.” That actually illicits a small laugh from her and Mrs. Taylor shakes her head. “It took a good century or so to find my calm, dear girl. Before that I was as nervous as a spring bride in the morning. I simply learned to…what is your phrase? Fake it ‘til I make it. Eventually it just sank in.”

“Good to know.” She’s more assured than some, but this is her first big event and she feels like she needs to prove herself worthy to Eddie’s sire.

“Everything will be just as you wished it to be.” Mrs. Taylor promises. “Now go on. I will bring your tea up myself.”

“Thank you.” Allison flashes her a grateful smile before turning around and doing as she says.

The artfully made Alice in Wonderland and Mad Hatter costumes that Eddie found for them are hanging in his closet and Eddie himself is sitting on the bed with a copy of the party itinerary in his lap when she walks in. "Hey baby." Almost instantly, he's at her side with his arms around her. "Did Mrs. Taylor banish you from the ballroom to get ready?"

“She did.” Allison huffs out a laugh and shakes her head. “I was told that she has it completely under control. But I want this to be perfect.”

“It will be.” He squeezes her tight and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “If I suggest we take a shower will that actually relax you a little? Everything is going to be great, baby.”

“It depends.” Allison admits with a grin. “Will you…feed off me again?” She asks quietly, amazed at how much of a rush of endorphins it can be.

Eddie’s chuckle is deep, tinged with equal parts amusement and desire. “I will. Because I can smell how badly you want me to.”

Biting her lip, she grins and bats her eyelashes at him. “You don’t seem to mind it.” She reminds him, finding it intoxicating when it fires him up. He loses control for a split second when he starts to drink.

With his hands on her hips, Eddie whirls Allison around and starts walking her toward the shower with urgency. “Alright. Let’s go. Very important shower to take.”

Her laugh is one of delight and she’s ecstatic that one day, she won’t have to secretly worry about growing old and leaving Eddie. She’ll be right there with him. “Baby?” He hums and she giggles. “Can we still do this once I’m changed?”

“Shower together?” He huffs at her playfully because he knows that isn’t what she meant. “I mean we can, but vampires don’t sweat so we don’t need to wash as much.”

She snorts and rolls her eyes before she turns around to start undressing. “You know what I meant.”

“We can,” he stresses the second word and tugs off his t-shirt. “But the thing that’s weird about it is that if you drink my blood and I’m the one who turned you…it doesn’t quite taste right. It’s like an evolutionary red flag, or something like that. To prevent vampires from consuming their kin. So if you want to keep doing this, and you want it to taste good and give adrenaline and all that? I would recommend that we ask someone else to change you.”

“Would you mind?” She asks quietly. Changing a person into a vampire is also quite intimate and she doesn’t want to upset him.

“I would prefer you chose someone you know well, if it isn’t going to be me.” He can understand her choice is entirely her own, but to make another vampire is a deeply intimate and meaningful relationship. It’s why so many refer to those they have sired as their children.

“I was thinking about asking your sire.” Allison admits. “Since he approves of me.”

“Hmmm.” Eddie kisses her cheek this time, pretending to consider something he already knows is a good idea. “Are you sure you want Max for a big brother?” He teases.

She snorts and shrugs. “He will be either way.” She admits, knowing that Eddie will always be around Max. Plus she kind of likes the other vampire for his treatment of you.

“I guess that’s true.” Eddie grins, though, and helps Allison out of her last few items of clothes after turning on the hot water for them. “To be honest, I thought you might pick Mrs. Taylor, but I have no doubt if we ask him about it later, he will say yes.”

“I hope to have more of a sisterly relationship with Mrs. Taylor.” Allison admits. “Although if your sire thinks it’s a good idea, I would be fine with that.”

“I doubt dear old dad will object to siring you. But be prepared for him to make a very big deal about it.” Eddie rolls his eyes fondly. “Dramatic son of a bitch.”

“You’re dramatic in your own way.” She teases, sliding her hands up his cool chest and grinning at him.

“I’ve been well trained, I guess.” He huffs, but pulls her into the shower with him. “I’m glad you seem to like it.”

“Oh I do.” She promises, standing on her tip toes to kiss him. “I absolutely do.”

******

"This place looks incredible!" Tracy squeals, throwing her arms around Allison almost the second she's inside the house. "Holy shit, holy shit everything is amazing. And what is that smell? Are you burning incense in the house or something?"

“The food.” There’s probably some incense burning as well, but all the human food is fragrant. “You look incredible!”

"Oh, this old thing?" Tracy giggles as she twirls around in her Clueless costume and poses like a model. She and Candance and one of the other women from the coven decided to come as Cher, Tai, and Dionne tonight. "As if, right?"

“No, you look amazing, I don’t think there will be a pair of eyes that don’t stop on you and admire.” Allison gushes, grinning at the other woman. “And you’ll be dancing all night.”

"I can't believe how good the house looks and how good you look!" She jumps forward to squeeze Allison tightly again. "Everything is perfect."

“Yes it is.” Since the shower and getting dressed, she’s calmed down. It’s too late to change anything and what will be, will be. She’s left it in Mrs. Taylor’s capable hands.

Tracy bites her lip as Candace comes up beside her. “Any sign of…?”

Allison sighs, chewing on her lip worriedly and glancing around. “Not yet. But knowing Max, he will make it as dramatic as possible and arrive at midnight like some reverse pumpkin fable.” She snorts, hiding her own nerves behind the facade of humor.

“Oh god, you’re right,” Candace snorts. She reaches to hug Allison tightly and shakes her head in some sort of fond exasperation. “And he’ll have figured out how to cue Phantom of the Opera entrance music or something.”

“That would actually have been a wonderful idea!” Allison gasps. “Next year. Next year’s theme is decided.”

“All of Broadway, or specifically Phantom?” Tracy giggles at the idea, already on board.

“Phantom.” Allison knows you would love the idea. “We could honestly have a Broadway themed ball every year.”

“Different time periods, different Broadway shows, different literary influences…” Candace sighs dreamily. “My vote is for a Jane Austen ball.”

“Ohhhh that would be wonderful.” Allison sighs as well, enchanted by the idea. “It would be a very proper ball.”

“What would be?” Eddie, who had been at the front door making sure the signs for parking and entry were clear enough and in the right places, now comes up behind his girlfriend and slips one arm around her waist.

“Hi.” She beams at Eddie and sighs at the idea of him in a Regency era suit. “A Jane Austen ball.”

“Ooo, you would love that.” He coos softly and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Mr. Finchley is out front to help with parking and direct people who haven’t been here before. The first cars were pulling in when I came inside. I thought you ladies would like to know.”

“Oh, it’s time.” Allison panics for a split second but Eddie’s hand on her waist steadies her. “Then I guess you and I should stand in and greet the guests.”

“And we will man the donation table.” Tracy grabs Candace’s hand. One of the main points of the night is still to collect for charity, and every party goer is supposed to be bringing in a canned or boxed food item for the local food bank. Between the food drive and proceeds from ticket sales going to nearest women’s shelter, the night should end up being a rousing success on all fronts as long as everyone has a good time.

“Thank you.” Allison throws them grateful smiles, happy that she has such a good coven to help her.

“Come on, love,” Eddie encourages her. There is a broad, proud smile on his face and he kisses her other cheek this time. “We have guests to greet.”

“Yes we do.” In your absence, Allison wants to be the best hostess so the reputation of the party grows. This could be a success for years to come.

The first half hour or so of arrivals is a trickle. Coven members, the teachers and students from the dance studio that you and Max had gone to. Some of the museum docents from the local preservation society have arrived as a group in full costume. A few folks from the charities benefiting from tonight’s collections also arrive in their festive Halloween costumes, and a smattering of students from the nearby college as well. It’s over an hour into the night when a sleek, black sports car with tinted windows that Allison doesn’t recognize, pulls up under the porte-cochere and Mr. Taylor looks particularly amused — or even smug? — when he opens the door.

“Allison!” Though you haven’t aged a day to the naked eye, the way you hold yourself is different now. Over a hundred years changes a person, and the trauma that had once governed all of your actions has melted away to be left far in the past. But a straighter spine and surer shoulders are not what matters now. Not as you haul yourself out of the car in the beautifully elaborate gown that you wore to the first Samhain ball you ever attended — the one thrown by your abuela in 1885 when you decided to stay in the past. You and Max had thought it was a symbolic choice to wear the same clothes tonight.

Eddie’s eyes widen when Max pops out of the driver’s side and zips around to immediately take your hand, smirking slightly at the surprise and delight of the people gathered who recognize them. “I told you we haven’t missed the dancing.” He muses to you as he guides you towards the receiving party. “Edward, you look magnificent and that is saying something considering the gorgeous creature next to you.”

“What in the hell?” Eddie’s eyes widen at the deeply obvious change in Max’s demeanor and he can’t help a deep, amused laugh at how giddily you and Allison are greeting each other as he steps forward to either shake Max’s hand or give the bastard a hug. He can’t really figure out which. “Well, goddamn. You—you really did stay, didn’t you?”

Max takes the other vampire’s hand in a firm shake and drags him forward for a hug. “We couldn’t leave.” He admits shamelessly. “That time, the people, it was exactly what we both needed.” He pulls back and grins at Eddie. “But it’s damn good to see you. We missed you both.”

“We missed you, too.” As nervous as they were, and as worried as they were, it’s extremely obvious that whatever had happened, it was a positive decision. “But where the hell did you come from? And how did you leave in the first place? And when were you? We have so many questions.”

“We’ll explain it all.” Max promises. “Dolly has a lot of information to share with the coven. Including Mrs. Astor’s grimoire.”

“I’ve missed you so much.” You cling to Allison happily, drowning in your long-missed friend’s affection, before pulling back to look at her. “You look so happy, honey. That’s so good, and I’m so, so glad to see it.”

Max smirks slightly, sending Eddie a knowing look. “Eddie, you finally made your move.” He hums in approval. “Good, relationship bliss looks good on you both.”

“Come inside,” Eddie insists, practically dragging Max with him and Allison wraps her arm around yours to do the same. “We want to hear everything.”

“Of course you do.” Max is teasing, but if the situations were reversed, he would be hounding Eddie for the details. “First, how long have we been gone? Dates have kind of blurred.”

“About three weeks.” Allison tells him, still clinging to your hand. She’s still reassuring herself that you’re both real. “How long has it been for you guys, though?”

He glances at you and grins before he looks back at Allison and Eddie. “You tell them.” You urge with an indulgent smile since Max has been so excited about this.

“Only a few years.” Max insists. “One hundred and one.”

“So…you went to 1922?” Allison asks, confused because that doesn’t seem to track with what they found in their research.

“Not quite,” you admit, knowing the whole situation probably seems very complicated. “We went to 1885, and came back from 1986. A few weeks before Max was set to be born. You really don’t want to hop around in your own lifetime if you can manage it.”

“So you can move around through time?” Eddie asks, mouth hanging open as every one of his theories is being explained.

“It was by accident the first time.” The admission is a little sheepish, but you look very proud just a second later. “I’m actually quite good at it now.”

“What happened?” Allison demands. “We were thinking something happened to you when your grandfather told us.”

“Unfortunately for him, my ex decided to surprise us on our date.” It’s been a century and the hurt is gone. Not even a sting remains. Derek is no more than a blip in your past and there are now very long stretches of entire decades where you even forget he ever existed. “I tried to keep him away from us with a protection spell but my spellbinding made it go haywire, and instead of protecting Max and myself from Derek, I protected all three of us from that moment in time. It sent us back to the exact same moment, but in 1885.”

“I knew you had to be spellbound!” Allison gasps. “How did you— did you see your mother?” She asks.

"My mother has been my closest friend for a hundred years." It was difficult, moving in and out of each other's lives at times, but with both of you being functionally immortal for that time you both understood that sometimes there was no choice but to be apart. "She even called me the day she met my dad." It was a phone call you had been waiting for, unfortunately. Knowing what would ensue in the coming years, you and Max had taken it as a cue to get out of the country for the remainder of your time in your own past.

“I’m so glad you got more time with her.” Allison glances at Eddie nervously, aware that your grandfather’s announcement tonight might devastate you.

"Then why do you look as though you had lost my favourite sweater?" You reach for her with both hands and squeeze her shoulders gently. "What's wrong, Ali? The place looks amazing, you look happy, and we're finally home again. It should be a night to celebrate."

“It is.” She promises, shaking off the feeling and sending you a smile. “Your grandfather will be happy to see you.” She promises.

"He should be expecting us." Out of anyone in literally all of time, your grandfather has always been the one person most informed about when and where you will be, your plans, and anything else you could conceivably need. He's been a wonderful father figure to Max and a doting grandfather to you, as well as an invaluable resource.

“He is.” Allison assures you. “In fact, he was the one to tell us you would be back tonight.” She admits with a rueful grin. “Guess we shouldn’t have doubted him.”

"He's the last person we spoke to before we left 1986," you admit, but you also shrug. After hanging up with your grandfather, you'd definitely spent the next few hours enjoying a nice dinner and fucking all over your empty house. Max's absurd '80s power suits had ended up to be just a little bit of a turn on for you. You're just not quite sure how that happened.

Max smirks, reaching up and caressing the back of your neck as you are obviously thinking about the same thing he is. “That was a lucky year.” He teases softly.

"Very lucky." Your own smirk meets his and for one happy moment you forget anyone else exists, just sharing an amused glance with your soulmate. It may be more than a hundred years later, but you still fall a little more in love with him every day.

He arches a brow and licks his lips. “No one would miss us for a few minutes, would they?” He asks, even though he knows he can’t sneak you away for a quickie.

Allison snorts in amusement, shaking her head at Max seemingly not changing at all in his core, despite the changes in his manners on the surface. "It's your house, guys," she reminds you both.

“No.” Max shakes his head and smiles at your friend. “My wife has waited way too long to see you again to sneak her off.” He admits with a chuckle. “And I’ve been told if I mess up her hair before our first dance, there’s hell to pay.”

"It'll be Gladys Vanderbilt's debutante ball all over again," you tease. The fond roll of your eyes is nothing but love after so many years together. "Although..." Looking up at him, you flash him a sly smile. Hearing him call you his wife still hasn't gotten old. "It's been what...fifty years now, since the last time we had a wedding? We might be due for another one."

“You’re married.” Eddie is the one who practically squeals it. He has known Max to be staunchly against being tied down, but that was before you. “How many times have you gotten married?”

"Um..." The look you and Max share is vague confusion, as between the two of you, you try to count out the different weddings you have celebrated over the decades. "1885...1923...1946...1967...and the last one was 1980. So five times. And I guess that's not quite fifty years ago. More than forty, though."

“Oh my god.” Allison whispers, glancing between you and Max in amazement. “Five weddings? Max you are just….” She shakes her head and throws her arms around him while looking over her shoulder at Eddie. “You have a standard now.”

“Sorry Eddie,” you tease, enjoying the easy lightness of being with your friends again. The urge to just continuously hug them and not let go is very real. “Although it is fun. And parties these days are so much more casual than they once were. That makes it a bit easier. Or at least less forbidding to plan.”

“I want to experience that.” Eddie admits, reaching out taking Allison’s hand. “We have decided that Allison will become immortal soon.” He announces after she gives him a soft smile of encouragement.

“Oh, honey!” Your eyes flit between both of them before you bundle them both up in a hug with a beaming smile. “There is so much life to live. You’re going to love it.”

“I can’t take Eddie’s blood like you can with Max.” Allison doesn’t mind that, not really. All that matters is that Eddie wants her. “And Eddie doesn’t want to…outlive me.”

“I think it’s an oversight on the universe’s part that you aren’t soulmates.” The connection they have is so strong and their love so sure, you would have just assumed it if you hadn’t been around when they started dating. “It’s wonderful to hear that you’ll be able to be together.” Glancing over your shoulder, you smile at your own partner. Your other half throughout all of history. “Forever is quite fun, I have to admit.”

“You don’t look a day older.” Allison smirks as she takes in the changes you have brought back from the past. Self-assurance looks amazing and you seemingly glow. No longer the scared woman she had met in a farmer’s market, you are almost intimidating, and your entire aura radiates powerful magic.

“That’s a combination of Max’s blood and Audrey Hepburn’s face cream.” You smirk conspiratorially. “I’ll guard that potion with my life, since you won’t be needing it once you’ve been changed.”

“Interesting.” Her brow wings up at the mention of the famous actress, realizing you must have met her at some point. “Hepburn was a witch?”

“Particularly good with charms and potions. And she was fun. You never hear about her being fun, but she was great.” Beside you, Max has one arm around your waist and he hums proudly. “Max was a movie producer after the Second World War.”

“Really?!” The squeal is loud and enthusiastic and all heads snap towards the group. “Oh— that’s— I can’t believe we didn’t find you.”

“We were using different names at that point.” It had been essential to learn how to craft and re-craft new identities. Luckily, your grandparents had been fountains of information. “And Max only produced, so it’s not as though we were in anything.”

“Still.” She shakes her head and giggles. “The stories you can tell. What else have you two done?”

"I'll tell you everything starting tonight," you promise her, as the four of you step deeper into the house. It's good to be back at Chateau-sur-Mer again. To you and Max it has been just a few years since the last time you were here, but that's long enough to miss it. "But tomorrow you should come over to our house for dinner."

“Your house?” Her eyes widen and Allison frowns in confusion. “Dolly— th-this is your home. Cookie willed it to you, remember?”

"I know." And it is good to be back, but you rub Allison's arm affectionately. "But to avoid complications with my family through history...Max and I built another house here in Newport."

“When?” “Where?” Allison and Eddie ask at the same time with identical sounds of bewilderment.

They've reached a place where they have the same voice sometimes and it makes you smile softly. "You know that little gothic house on the beach that has basically been abandoned for the last couple of decades but somehow never decays? Seacliff Castle?" Beside you, Max smiles proudly. "It was finished in 1888. Max and Yayo designed it with the architect who built this place."

“You are kidding me!” Allison’s screech can raise the dead and she looks like a kid who was just told she was going to Disney and getting a puppy. “I have always wanted to tour that house, but no one knows who owns it. But it was you all along?”

"Come over tomorrow and we'll show you the whole place," you promise her, giggling happily at the absolute glee in her reaction. "But tonight? I want to see what you've done with the ball. I know it's going to be amazing."

“I have been so nervous.” She admits quietly. “But I think we have everything. Including donors for those who don’t eat bagged blood.”

“Mrs. Taylor and Yayo would never let you have anything less than a perfect night.”

“Do I hear my name being taken in vain?” From a nearby dark corner, your grandfather emerges into the low, atmospheric lighting of the great hall.

Max chuckles as he hears his sire’s voice. “Always.” He shakes his head. “Dramatic like always,” he jokes, having told you that your grandfather would make a dramatic entrance.

“I have learned that there are some things which are expected of me,” he jokes pleasantly. “Your journey was not difficult, then?”

“No.” Max reaches out and shakes his sire’s hand warmly and pulls the elder vampire in for a hug. “Cookie did not stake you for keeping our true relationship a secret, I see.” He jokes, even though everyone already knew that.

“She was…not happy.” He clears his throat distinctly remembering that particular fight with his soulmate. Cookie had been furious to find out that her beloved granddaughter and the witch she had been so fond of for a hundred years were one and the same.

“Hopefully she understood eventually why we had to keep it from her, and from Annie.” The contact with your mother had lessened over the years but she had never demanded that they choose sides, something Max had been grateful for – for your sake.

“She did understand.” He is sure of that, considering how very much it had been discussed. “But she regretted not being able to dote on you both as her grandchildren.”

“She did dote on us though.” Max protests and shakes his head. “She treated us like we were family and she loved Dolly like another daughter.”

“She did.” His sire nods, knowing it is the absolute truth. He sighs though, with a theatrical shrug of his shoulders. “But you know Cookie. My darling girl loved titles.”

“She was a special lady.” Max has a fonder appreciation for the older woman, even more so with the knowledge she had known who he was when he first arrived and still had kept her word to her husband to not say anything.

“She was remarkable.” Your grandmother may not have been perfect — in fact she was decidedly less than sometimes — but that was what made her so incredibly special to you. She had never demanded that perfection from you or Max that she tended to expect from Annie. Perhaps it was for the best that she didn’t know how you were at the time? You’ll never quite know.

“Yes, she was.” For a brief second, amongst those he is closest to, your grandfather’s grief shines on his face. Missing the other half of his soul as vividly as the day she had passed in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Yayo.” The only one of the four younger beings whose instinct is to reach out, you bundle your grandfather up in a hug. “I miss her, too. Her and Mom.”

He accepts the hug, squeezing you harder than he would have before you started taking Max’s blood. “Thank you, muñeca.” He hums softly, not missing the way that Eddie and Allison shift slightly. “I will be reunited with them soon.”

“You never know when the people we love can come back to us,” you hum, but the look on your grandfather’s face makes you hesitate. “But…somehow I don’t think you’re talking about that…?”

“Because you are bright.” Yayo praises softly, cupping your cheek and smiling at you mysteriously. “It has always been my plan to join my soulmate in her afterlife.” He admits. “Since she decided to end her mortality. I have only extended my time in this existence to make sure you were well settled, my darling muñeca.”

“Oh…” You don’t cry much anymore, but tears well up behind your eyes instantly. Saying goodbye to the last of your family is not something you had prepared for tonight. “I—but—the family?” He has so many more responsibilities than just your immediate family, you can only imagine that he was preparing for this for a very long time. Or else made a lot of decisions very quickly.

“Is your family now.” He reminds you softly. “Although I have decided to name my successor tonight.” He smiles proudly and hopes that you will not be too upset at him.

“This night is much more important than I thought, then.” Stepping back from him, you settle against Max’s side and try for a smile. Your grandfather is doing what will make him happiest and you have to respect that, even if it is rather a big shock.

“You will understand.” He promises, smiling at the group and then motioning towards the ballroom. “Let the evening begin.”

******

The evening, as Yayo so elegantly termed in, is incredible. With the party starting so late and the buffet being available to guests all night long, it seems that the ebb and flow of partygoers is constant. Music plays, people dance, and the lingering masses of vampires throughout the house are generally met with curiosity from the humans who find them fascinating — though they don’t quite know why. Those who are attending as donors are spoiled immensely and some have been given guest rooms for the night, but for the most part they seem to be an altogether dreamy sort of drunk to the unaware humans present. It is not until Yayo disseminates word to his extended family of brooding immortals to meet in the morning room that any sort of tension cracks the enjoyment of the night.

Max holds your hand, aware that you are upset, and he wishes he had some insight into this talk. As close as he had become to the older vampire, he hadn’t had a clue he was planning on giving up his immortality. “It will be alright.” He assures you softly, squeezing your hand.

“I know.” You squeeze his hand tenderly and lean into his side, long ago having learned how to be close even while wearing large gowns. You just wish you had had more notice. Time to prepare. “He just has to be dramatic as hell about all of this. Calling a family meeting in the middle of a ball? Very Yayo.”

“He likes to make a scene.” Max snorts, lifting a brow when the servers bring around glasses of blood and champagne for the guests. The one who stops in front of you, hands you a specific glass. “It’s white grape juice, madam.”

The barest sniff of sweet juice proves she is telling the truth, and you smile gratefully. Even after a hundred years? Alcohol holds no appeal for you whatsoever. “Thank you,” you acknowledge with a smile. “My husband prefers something a little richer, if you don’t mind.”

“Mr. Phillips.” Another glass is handed to him and he sniffs it politely.

“Hmmmm AB negative.” He smirks. “Someone put some thought into planning this.”

"Allison said she left blood menus to Mrs. Taylor." There is no mistaking that your friend took the responsibility of planning tonight seriously, and divvying tasks out to the appropriate people when delegation benefited the situation.

“Then I will have to thank her.” Max takes and sip and hums in approval. “But later.”

"Has he started yet?" Eddie and Allison slip into the room beside the two of you, already having said hello to the extended vampiric family earlier in the night.

“Not yet.” Max eyes the elder vampire. “I think he was waiting for something.”

"It's always something," you hum, sharing a grin with Allison as the same passing waitress who served you and Max returns to offer Eddie and Allison drinks before exiting the room. When she goes, she shuts the morning room door behind her.

“I would like to thank everyone for traveling to attend tonight.” Yayo’s voice never seems to raise in volume but it booms around all of you clearly. “Not only is this a worthy cause to humans dear to my heart, but it is also a special night for our future.” There is a smattering of polite applause and you lean into Max's side even while Allison does the same with Eddie beside you.

“All the vampires here, I have personally sired.” He reveals with a pleased smirk on his face. Considering there are no fewer than two dozen vampires in the room, a small murmur ripples through the younger of that number. The elder vampires chuckle with the knowledge. “And tonight…” He holds up his own glass of blood. “One of you will replace me as the elder vampire. Leader and mentor to the future.” He announces. “I have decided to join my soulmate in the afterlife.”

The limited, mannered responses are gone in an instant, replaced by an audible gasp and murmured exclamation as the members of your extended — very extended — family all look around the room to see if anyone knew this announcement was coming. Eyes fall on you more than anyone else, wondering if your grandfather will take his biological family into account in this decision.

“I know that a lot of people have wondered who would take my place. And at one point in time, I had imagined my grandson-in-law, Max Phillips, to lead our pack.” He turns his head and acknowledges him with a smile. “However, there is another that I have in mind, since Max will be busy with juggling a new role.”

New role? You look to Max with confusion, but it's clear from the furrow in his brow that he has no idea what your grandfather is talking about either. If anything, his expression is more akin to crestfallen than anything else. He's fallen short of whatever expectation his sire had of him...

“Years ago, I made a mistake.” Yayo admits to the men and women he considers his children. “My Annie, my daughter with my soulmate; I felt she was destined to leave the coven of witches and her soulmate Emmanuel would be the perfect vampire mate. I ended up losing my daughter and never got to properly apologize for placing so much emphasis on the wrong things.” He pauses for a second. “I want my granddaughter and her husband to focus on the most important role of all. They will be becoming parents.”

Enthusiastic is the word for the applause this time, though the reaction from you and Max — the people being announced — is pure shock. "H—how?" How could he possibly know that? Especially before you do?

Your grandfather chuckles, seeing the confusion and bewilderment on your face. “Your smell, my dear muñeca.” He explains with an enigmatic smile. “I have had the pleasure of smelling a vampiric pregnancy before. That is why your soulmate had not been aware either. There is a sweeter note to your blood.”

Honestly, you might be more embarrassed about having it announced in front of so many people if you weren't so flabbergasted by the news. With your jaw practically on the ground and your eyes watering, your free hand goes to your stomach while your other squeezes Max's so tightly you would be afraid of hurting him if he weren't a vampire. You're so shocked that you didn't even notice Allison take the glass from your hand or the proud uncle expression on Eddie's face.

“I want my family to focus on being there, being the best parents they can be.” He admits selfishly with a small shrug. “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” He jokes. “Max however, will be vital to the next leader. His own wisdom far greater than my own, and I feel that he will make Edward Perez the best leader vampires have ever had.”

Eddie's gasp is even more audible than your own when he hears his sire say his name. For that matter, it's been almost ten years since he used his mortal surname, and hearing it spoken so proudly is a kind of gratification that he can't quite express. While it's true that his sire — the entire room's sire — had given him more than ample guidance over the decades, Eddie hadn't ever considered himself anything too special. Not until he had started giving him more responsibilities in the last few years. Not until Allison had come along with her staunch and unyielding belief in him. Now it seems like all of that is coming to a head, and he steps forward hesitantly to stand up beside his sire.

“Eddie has been the best vampire that I could have imagined.” Yayo admits. “And Max— he has held a special place in my heart from the very beginning. I know that with Eddie in charge and Max advising him, our numbers will grow and your bonds strengthen.”

If there is any doubt or dissention from the other vampires of the clan, not a word of it is spoken in their sire's presence. Instead Eddie accepts a few nods and a whistle or two from his extended family and looks back at Allison to flash her a smile before putting his hand out to his sire. "I will do everything I possibly can to live up to this responsibility, and the faith that you've placed in me."

Max smiles, still a little shocked that he had not known you were pregnant. Leaning close and inhaling your scent to recognize the sweet, floral undertones to your blood for what it is. He had just imagined it was because modern food was processed with more sugar than in the past.

“I can’t be that far along, can I?” You whisper to him under the commotion of vampires now moving forward to shake Eddie’s hand or meet Allison for the first time. Many of them had not bothered to meet the younger vampire’s partner earlier in the night but they are making the effort now. “I mean…” you look up at your soulmate with disbelieving tears in your eyes, beaming an enormous smile at him. “I haven’t even missed my period yet.”

“No.” Max can’t help but lean closer to smell you again, addicted to the idea that you are carrying his child. If his own tears are concealed by your neck, that’s just a coincidence. “Your smell hasn’t been sweeter for long. Only a few days.”

“It’s sweeter?” Somehow that is just about the cutest thing you’ve ever heard — that pregnancy can and does make your scent sweeter instead of anything else — and the water behind your eyes presses at them again.

“It is.” Max hums softly, smiling at the newfound knowledge. Committing this smell to memory. “We will have to make sure you stay healthy, my love.”

"It's a damn good thing that I mined abuela for information about carrying a half-vampire baby while I still had the chance." The hand you have on your stomach curls in, conscious of the corset under your dress but knowing that there isn't anything but a tiny little bundle of cells in there right now. "Holy shit...pregnant..."

“I can’t believe it.” It’s not like you’ve been trying but you also have gone over one hundred years without protection. Max had quietly assumed children weren’t to be and had never mentioned it so he wouldn’t worry you. The relief that he can give you a child is one that would make him cry, and he will later on when it’s sunk in.

"I just sort of assumed..." you murmur, leaning into his side and burying your face at his shoulder. In this room you can be quiet as a whisper and everyone will still hear you, but they have enough respect to pretend otherwise. "After so long...I figured it was just...not in the cards."

“It just wasn’t our time yet.” He murmurs softly, smiling at the thought that you are carrying his little baby biter. “Do you want some of my blood or should we find a vintage you like for when the baby demands more than you normally take?”

"Abuela said she ended up drinking a glass of blood at almost every meal in her second trimester." Of course the word trimester hadn't been used in that conversation, but you had made copious detailed notes for yourself after any conversation in which vampire pregnancy or children rearing was mentioned. "I guess I'm going to have to figure out how to drink it when it isn't from you. Maybe mixed with hot cocoa? Or even decaf coffee."

He chuckles. “Actually, you might like it in tomato juice.” He suggests. “Keep you from thinking about it too much.”

"That's not a bad idea." The hand you have in his tightens reflexively, keeping him close and savoring these first few moments of realization. "We'll try a little bit of everything. It's going to be a very interesting nine months, considering I'm only the second woman in the world to carry a vampire's baby."

“I mean technically….” Max grins. “You’re a quarter vampire yourself. A little more than that every night.” He winks at you salaciously.

A momentary snort of amusement breaks a little bit of the bubble of worry that was starting to form in your mind, and you nudge him with your shoulder. "A hundred years later and you can still never resist joking about that."

“Babe, if I ever stop joking about that, you just go ahead to push that stake through my heart.” He jokes, knowing that you would never think about something like that.

"It'll never happen," you laugh, knowing as well as he does that some things will just never change.

“I know.” He bites his lip and grins at you. “So we haven’t had a wedding in this time.” He ventures. “What do you think about a shotgun wedding?”

"Oo, we've never had one of those before." An elopement, a grand party, a trip to City Hall, a backyard barbecue, and a small town bash — all of those you've done. But a shotgun wedding would be a new one for the two of you. "I think it's perfect."

“Now…we have to find out who’s holding the shotguns.” He jokes, pulling you close and pressing his lips to yours. “Do you want to wait until the belly is huge or before?”

"We may not get a chance to have me showing off a baby bump in a wedding dress ever again. I think we have to take advantage of it." He can obviously feel the way your heartbeat has risen, smell the way your adrenaline is singing, but that tender bump of his heart when he kisses you makes it all a perfect symphony.

“Completely agree.” Max nods seriously. “The wedding should be themed. Obviously.”

"Baby themed or cowboy themed?" You ask, laughing but slightly afraid to hear the answer.

“Oh no.” He snorts and sends you a grin. “Hillbilly, shot gun wedding.” He tells you, enjoying the idea immensely even if you would never agree.

Both of you snort, knowing it isn't the kind of thing that you'll ever do, but that joking about it is it's own kind of fun. "Water guns as favours for every guest and a Beverly Hillbillies impersonator to marry us?"

He chuckles and nods. “Something like that.” He jokes before he looks at you seriously. “I do want us to be married officially before the baby is born. In our true timeline.”

"I have no problem with that." Somehow you have a feeling this will be the wedding that matters most to him, whereas the one nearest and dearest to your heart was the one in 1885 where you were surrounded by your family and new friends. Setting both hands on his chest, you lean in to kiss him again and smile softly. "We'll make this one perfect for you, love."

Max knows that after one hundred years of family with your mother and grandparents, he should not have familial hang ups, but he does. “I don’t care about perfect.” He promises. “I just want to do right by you and our child.” He admits. “To be everything my father said I would never be. A good husband, a good father. A good man.”

"Those are the things you are, Max." It never hurts to remind him once in a while. You know that. But you also know that sometimes he has to prove it to himself more than anyone else. "And I'm very proud to be your soulmate."

“I never want that to change.” The Max of before might not have said that in front of a room full of vampires, but he doesn’t care. If they know nothing else about Max Phillips, they should know that he is devoted to his soulmate.

It takes a little while for the hubbub to calm down, but when it does, Eddie squeezes his arm gently around Allison's shoulder on one side of him and looks to his sire and shakes his head in near disbelief. "This is...it's a surprise. I have to admit."

“You don’t think you deserve it?” Max asks, clapping his vampiric brother on the shoulder and even though he’s disappointed for himself, he’s proud for Eddie. He understands why Yayo didn’t name him as the next head of the clan. He would be too distracted by your pregnancy and Eddie is levelheaded where Max is not.

"We're the two youngest, and you're soulmates with his granddaughter," Eddie reminds Max, turning to clap his brother on the shoulder. "You can't blame me for expecting the choice to go in another direction."

“Nah, you deserve it.” Max tells him honestly. “You’re the better vampire and you know it.” He smirks. “Now we just need to get you to act like it.”

"Good thing you're home, then." He laughs, grinning even as he shakes Max's hand with a force that would break a mortal's bones. "We'll catch up with you in a second," he intones, glancing back at you and Allison hugging a few feet away. "I need to talk to our Father about something."

“Of course.” Max flashes him a grin and a wink. “I’m going to go flirt with my wife and your girlfriend.” He teases before moving back to your side protectively.

"Actually..." Allison slips away from your side to take Eddie's outstretched hand. "I'm...part of this conversation. But when we get back out there, I'm stealing you for a dance. Okay, twinkle toes?"

“Oh?” His eyebrows raise furiously but he nods and wraps his hand around your waist. “Hope you’re ready to glide around the floor. I’ve had over one hundred years of practice with Dolly.”

"That's exactly why I'm stealing you," she teases, giving you both a small wave before turning back into Eddie's side to broach the topic of her own siring with the vampire who just stepped down as head of his long-lived clan.

“I wonder if everything is alright.” Max frowns slightly as he looks at the retreating pair and then back at you. “How are you doing, my love?” He asks, cupping your cheek.

"Wonderfully." The glass of grape juice is still sitting nearby and you pick it up, wanting the small comfort of a drink in hand. "In fact, I think when we go home in the morning, we should celebrate."

“How should we celebrate?” Max asks with a grin, even though he’s got some idea.

"Hmmm..." you tease, pretending to think very hard about it even though you already know the answer. "I was thinking...by the same way that we made the little nugget in the first place."

“You mean you want to have sex on the balcony overlooking the ocean and waving to the boats as they pass by?” Max grins as he licks his lips.

"I'm so glad we decided to have a house by the water," you groan softly, humming at the memory of just a few days ago — it was still 1986 but you were back at Seacliff, getting ready to travel back to your own true timeline. "Excellent idea. Extremely good."

“I know.” He grins at you. The house has been a lovely refuge for the two of you. It had given you the separation you needed from mother and grandmother so you didn’t spill the secret.

"So Eddie's head of the vampiric family, huh?" Wrapping your hand around Max's arm, the two of you drift back toward the ballroom at a leisurely pace. "And you'll be his right-hand. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility while we're growing our own family."

“I think that’s why your grandfather didn’t want me to take over.” Max admits. “Although, don’t tell Eddie I said this, he’s a better fit for the job.”

"You're a good pair." You admit that you had balked a little at the time, but when Max had wanted to go check on Eddie's human parents in the few years before he was born, the late 70s and early 80s had actually ended up being a blast. Eddie's little hometown in Northern California was comfortable and fun, and you’d lived a very basic suburban life for a few years. Max had barely stifled tears the day your neighbors had brought little newborn Eddie home from the hospital.

“We’ll see.” Max doesn’t argue but his hand slides down to your stomach proudly. “I’ll honestly be more focused on you and the little biter.” He has already filed the paperwork to ‘inherit’ the money he has made over the past generations. Restraining himself and not taking advantage of his insider knowledge too badly.

“That’s what you’re going with calling the baby, huh?” You raise an eyebrow at him but still end up smiling. You’ve wanted this for so long, it almost doesn’t matter what he calls them.

“I can call them a little pup.” He teases, his chest puffed out proudly. “That’s what baby bats are called.”

“That’s actually kind of cute.” The smile on your face widens again and your hand rests over his on your stomach. “Which is appropriate, since you’ve always been my Cutie.”

His shy grin is always something that makes him look younger and despite the years, he still is bashful about the way he had become a bat to spend more time with you. “Need to find a bat mobile for the crib.” He jokes, “or I’ll just change and flap around to entertain them.”

“It will end up being both.” At the edge of the ballroom, you beam at him proudly and hold out your other hand. “First dance as expectant parents?”

“Always.” Max takes your hand and kisses the back of it. You had mentioned how much you loved the gesture when you had first watched Titanic when you were younger and while back in the 1800s it was extremely appropriate. Now he knows that two hundred years from now, he will still kiss the back of your hand to watch the burst of delight in your eyes. “Waltz with me. Today and every day, my love.”

______

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imagine-knowing-a-name · 9 months ago

Text

you are expendable

Summary: adjusting to a life away from the red room is tough, and letting go of the mentality they drilled into you is even tougher. As much as Yelena tries to protect you, you'll always believe that you are expendable, and she is not.

Word Count: 3783 Pairing: Yelena Belova & Reader Warnings: self-sacrificial R, near-death injuries, poor self worth/mental health issues Requests (combined): "Yelena x best!friend reader who struggles with self worth, gets hurt protecting Yelena?" "Hi! Can you do a story where Yelena has taken reader in as a sibling figure, and reader is constantly trying to “payback” yelena like through small things and more bigger things like being reckless on mission so yelena doesn’t get hurt; and Yelena gets really worried one time and finds out why R is doing it, and assures reader that they don’t need to do that and more fluff at end if ok?"

A/N: italics are flashbacks, Russian is google translated. Honestly this was a fun one to write so I hope you enjoy!

»»————-　★　————-««

2016

Yelena holds the door open, allowing you to shuffle in behind her, before she motions towards the sofa. You immediately move to follow the unspoken command, perching yourself at the very edge and pressing your body into the armrest as if you could become part of it. The blonde, meanwhile, takes a central seat on the opposite chair. She rests her elbows on her knees and leans forward, with her chin resting on intertwined fingers. Her brows are minutely knitted and her gaze pounces on any movement you make – you realise she’s analysing you.

Well, two can play at that game.

In an instant, you come away from the armrest and relax your back, spreading yourself into a wider stance… everything you can do to level your authority, even in the older Widow’s own apartment.

“Y/N, don’t do that,” she scoffs before changing her position again; she’s leaning back now with her arms crossed over her chest, though her attention to you remains as analytical as ever.

“I’m just sitting.”

“Widow’s don’t just sit.”

“Then what do you want me to not do?”

“Don’t be a Widow.”

“I am a Widow.”

“I know. Don’t be.”

You huff, now unintentionally copying her pose once again when you cross your arms and sulkily lean back into the cushions. “You are very confusing, Yelena, how should I not be what I was raised to be? What you trained me to be.”

Yelena winces a little at the reminder. Ten years older than you, the woman now sitting across from you had been your assigned trainer for eleven years in the Red Room, from your arrival at age six and right up until last month, when she’d broken free of the chemical control and escaped into the real world. Everything you knew about espionage and violence, everything you hated to be, came from her teachings, and you’d been just about ready to pass it on to your own mentees when she came and freed you from the Red Room’s control.

What they forced her to do to you would always be a sore spot for Yelena, but, regardless, she schools her expression back to neutral, then smiles. You eye her suspiciously.

“Why are you smiling?”

“You ask how not to be a Widow? You are already doing it; do you think Dreykov would approve of that stance?”

Yelena laughs as you quickly scramble back to the perfect pose she’d once drilled into you. “Dreykov is not going to punish you, he is dead. At least, I think he is dead,” she frowns, “though he has escaped being blown up once before, so you can never really know. Either way, he must be very badly injured and probably also dead, so you can relax.”

When you don’t shift, Yelena stands up and takes a seat beside you. “You’re free, Y/N. They can’t control us anymore. Our lives are our own and, from now on, they always will be.”

She finally closes the gap between you two when she sees tears forming in your eyes, pulling you close but leaving a loose arm on your shoulder – giving you the opportunity to escape her grasp should you want. You don’t. Instead, you press yourself further into her side and let the tears flow.

“Stay here with me?”

With the careful way she suggests it, you can tell it’s something she’s been dwelling on for a while, rather than an impulsive response to your show of emotions. “We’re both new to the world, we can work it out together, if you’d like that? I’ll keep you safe, I promise. You can just be 17.”

You don’t respond instantly, already growing quite comfortable with being tucked in Yelena’s arms, but when you do nod, Yelena notices; she smiles and pulls you a little closer.

»»————-　★　————-««

2005

“Yelena?”

“Да” (Yes)

“Это ваше. Поддерживайте его в живых.” (This one is yours. Keep it alive.)

You’re shoved harshly in the direction of the young blonde. The guard who pushed you laughs as you stumble, but Yelena catches you and keeps you on your feet. You try to pull yourself closer to her side, latching on to the first show of kindness you’ve had in weeks, but the teen prises you off of her and positions you behind her back – she doesn’t look at you, only staring down the guards until they leave, before she grabs your arm and leads you into a small adjoining room. She slams the door and you startle, your vision clouding with tears as you realise things aren’t going to go back to normal, that this woman won’t be your saviour.

“Вы говорите по-русски?” (Do you speak Russian?) she asks; it’s not harsh, but it’s not as soft as your mother’s tone either. The tears begin to flow.

“English?” she tries again, this time you nod.

“I spoke only English at your age,” the girl says, “you must learn Russian though; I will help, but the trainers will perfect it.”

You don’t reply and eventually the older girl sighs; she takes a step forward, but still lingers awkwardly across the room from you, not wanting to get too close. “I am Yelena. What is your name?”

“Y/N.”

“I’m going to be your mentor, Y/N; do you want to learn new things?”

You’re not sure what to make of Yelena, but, at 6, there’s a lot of things you want to know, so you nod shyly, then ask your first question, “what is going to happen to me?”

Yelena notices the shake in your voice, and she’s been an assassin long enough to infer what you must have seen, what instances brought you to her. She comes a step closer again and purposefully softens her voice, “you’re going to stay here; you and I, we are going to be a team from now, okay? We’ll do some training and that will keep you safe. I’m going to try to keep you safe.”

“Do you pinky promise?”

The older girl hesitates, staring down at your extended finger as if it were a gun pointed in her direction – but at least she’d know how to handle that. The longer your hand hovers, extended, the more Yelena worries, knowing this isn’t a promise she can make in full confidence, but she can’t disappoint you either.

She wraps her own pinky around yours and shakes on it, “I promise,” she says at last, “I’m going to keep you safe. I just need you to listen to everything I say.”

»»————-　★　————-««

The adjustment period is hard – certainly harder than either you or Yelena expected. Contrary to your original expectations, Yelena doesn’t give up the assassin lifestyle, and she doesn’t force you to either; it’s all the two of you have known, and you’re too ingrained in it to manage a completely clean break.

For one, neither of you have birth certificates or any form of ID at all, and you find out very quickly how necessary those are. Yelena puts her contacts to good use and obtains birth certificates and American passports for the both of you; the legalities are dubious, but she’s now officially your older sister, which gives her guardianship status over you – because apparently a 17 year old needs that in the real world, as if you don’t have several lifetimes of maturity and experience under your belt already.

You’re grateful for all the steps Yelena has taken to look after you: from signing you up to a boxing club for the familiarity of training, to telling Valentina that the two of you could only be employed as a pair, ensuring she’d be there to protect you even on missions. You want to repay her for everything she’s done for you, but you’re still learning the limits of the real world – your resources were practically limitless in the Red Room if it completed the mission, but that is certainly not the case anymore. So, instead, you’re forced to turn to the internet for adequate methods of thanking your lifelong friend.

You start small: flowers, household chores, cooking… anything you can find, but most end up in chaos. Flowers gave you hay fever, it turns out; your meals have to be scraped out of the pans and taste worse that the Red Room canteen; and, much to your annoyance, Yelena refuses to let you do all the chores, immediately stopping you and taking over for ‘her turn’ if you'd done it the night before, which only gave you more to thank her for.

Eventually, you conclude that if you want to thank Yelena properly then you should stick to what you know: murder, maiming, and incredible violence… though she tries to discourage that now, so you shift to simply risking yourself, doing everything you can on missions to keep Yelena safe.

It works the first few times, you get a few bruises and scrapes, but that's nothing unexpected in your line of work and, more importantly, Yelena comes out unscathed. She seems ignorant to the actions you're taking, which is how you aim to keep it; you know she wouldn't approve of you putting yourself at risk just to keep her safe, but that's how the Red Room taught you to perform and, after everything she's done for you, it's what you're willing to do to thank her.

»»————-　★　————-««

2013

“You ready, Y/N?” Yelena smiles. The two of you are in matching bodysuits, sitting in the back of a jet destined for Manchester, England. You nod and double check the various weaponry attached to you.

Yelena reaches behind her, pulling out a map which you’ve memorised by now, and lays it on the table between you. “There’s two floors to this facility,” she recaps, “they’re developing weapons and we’ve been assigned to retrieve blueprints for all of them. Where do we find them?”

You point quickly to the corridor of offices. “Locked filing cabinet in office 2, if intelligence is to be trusted.”

“And which route will we take?”

“From the bus stop, into the woods within the perimeter. The back entrance will have only one guard between 0130 and 0200, giving us a window to enter. This corridor here,” you point, “has a guard, so we must pass while their back is turned. Stairs are unguarded. Two rights and we’ll be at the offices. There’s a ladder to the roof and an escape route from there, which is how we’ll get out.”

“Good. You have learnt it well. The Red Room demands perfection, but you are going to make them proud.”

Hours later, you aren’t so sure. You sit by her hospital bed, knee bouncing with worry as the medics operate on her; the steady beeping of her vitals acts as your only comfort, but you know first-hand that it could switch at any second.

Behind you, a door opens and closes, causing a noticeable shift in the atmosphere of the room. The medics stand taller, the guards lower their gaze, and you immediately stop your movements, knowing exactly who has walked in. You stand to attention and turn to face the tall, boney woman in front of you, though you bow your head in respect just as the guards did.

“A word, Y/N, outside,” Madame B instructs. She doesn’t wait for a response – she knows you wouldn’t dare give her one – she simply turns on her heel and has you follow her back out of the door like a puppy on a leash.

“Explain exactly what happened. And I don’t want excuses.”

“We were fighting the guards for some time, there were far more than Yelena and I had expected–”

“I said no excuses.”

“Sorry Madame. We left one of them for too long and he was able to take a shot while my back was turned – it would have hit my head, but Yelena noticed and stepped in between, receiving the bullet just to the left of her heart, puncturing her lung. I brought her to medics quickly-”

“I don’t need to hear the rest,” the woman cuts in. “Yelena is one of our best Widows, whereas you… you are expendable, Y/N, and I expect you to know it. Until you train yourself to be better than Yelena, then it is your responsibility to put your body on the line to keep her safe, no matter the cost to you. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Madame.”

“You will go to the training room immediately. If you think your life is worth more than Yelena’s, then we will put that to the test – incapacitate the five Widows in there without taking a hit, and you will be excused from punishment this time.”

The task is impossible, you know that, you may defeat the others, but not without one of them landing a blow, and once they do that, you will be beaten to within an inch of your life for failing the task. Regardless, you nod towards Madame B and march to the training room with your head held high; you deserve the punishment, you know that too. You are expendable, Yelena is not.

All five girls jump at you. This is what you deserve.

»»————-　★　————-««

2017

You were always aware that something would eventually go wrong, each mission where you threw yourself recklessly into danger was only testing your luck. You accepted the risk, but when it actually happens, well… you hadn't prepared for the consequences.

After four months of obtaining only minor injuries, you and Yelena are on another mission in Upstate New York, dressed to the nines at some CEO’s mansion. You don't care to remember his name since, if all goes to plan, he'll be dead at the end of the night anyway.

The party is already buzzing when the two of you walk in and, after a quick scout of the area together, the two of you separate and mingle with the guests, establishing your presence in the main hall until there's an opportunity to corner the host away from spectators.

It's going well, you think, until angry yells sound out from the other side of the room, loud enough to drown out the music. Guests look up curiously, just as you do, until you see Yelena thrown onto the stage. A handful of bodyguards emerge from the crowd to surround her, all readying their weapons in her direction.

You don't think, you just barrel through the gawking crowds to tackle your mentor out of the firing line. Yelena is back on her feet in an instant and you try to do the same, but a sharp pain keeps you down. The crowds are screaming now, and hopefully fleeing as you're overwhelmed by a chorus of gunshots.

You counted 7 guards before. They are no problem for Yelena to take down alone, but you don't allow for that. Ignoring the excruciating pain as you move and pretending you don't notice that your shirt is soaked in blood, you roll yourself onto your back, reaching for your holster and taking out the last three guards in rapid succession. Their attention was focused on Yelena, making it easy for you to do.

In a now empty hall, Yelena finally releases the breath she's been holding and looks around to congratulate you, until she sees you right where she left you, lying flat on the stage.

“Y/N!”

Her face interrupts your view of the ceiling and you yelp when you feel her hand clamp over your ribs. “I know, I know,” she whispers, face filled with worry as her dialtone begins.

“Natasha?” she says when the person answers at last, “I need you, please, we need medics at my location. I don’t know, the best the Avengers have got. You have good ones, right?”

The world seems to fade at the edges and you relax into your tired state. But then Yelena is snapping her fingers in front of you and her tear-stained face comes back into focus.

“Stay awake for me please, Y/N.”

“Natasha, hurry,” she sobs once again.

You can't help it; everything fades to black.

»»————-　★　————-««

The view when you next wake up is a complete shift to the dark but extravagant mansion you'd fallen asleep in. Everything is blinding white and purely functional; you're not unfamiliar with the set-up, but the location is new, you think. After visiting so many, the hospitals begin to blend together.

“Y/N,” someone beside you gasps, and you mentally scold yourself for not checking you were alone before you opened your eyes. Madame B will punish you for that.

No, Madame B is gone. It is only Yelena now, and she doesn't punish you anymore.

You shrink away all the same when Yelena comes into view, knowing you are the cause of her red-rimmed eyes and the dark bags underneath.

“You almost died, Y/N!” she shouts, and tears prick at your own eyes. You didn't want to disappoint her, just protect her. “I've noticed it for months but I didn't bring it up because I thought you knew better than to risk yourself like this! Missions are not the place to be reckless, what were you-”

She stalls suddenly. Your eyelids, which were previously squeezed shut, open slowly, cautiously and carefully checking for Yelena's reaction. Her face softens when you catch her eye and suddenly she's rushing forward and trapping you in a hug.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't yell, I'm sorry. I just want to protect you, always, and seeing you like this… it's…”

She sighs, and you interrupt.

“No, I'm sorry, Yelena. This wasn't meant to stress you out or have you worrying about me. I wanted to keep you safe, you know, like you always used to do for me. And after you freed me from the serum and then everything you did to look after me afterwards, I had to find a way to thank you. And I tried all the things Google said like cooking and gifts and everything! but they didn't work, so I thought that maybe keeping you safe would be enough to express my gratitude and make us equal, even if I got hurt in the process.”

“Oh, Y/N,” the older Widow sighs again, a teary smile overtaking her face. “I know it's hard, but we're not in the Red Room anymore; not every interaction is transactional, and not every mission has to have an expendable agent. In fact, none of our missions will have an expendable agent – it's you and me as equals, alright? Both of us are surviving them and I won't have any other outcomes.”

You nod and she continues.

“You're my best friend, Y/N, and my little sister in every way but blood; I'd have done – and I still would – anything to protect you in the Red Room, but that's not how it has to work anymore. And as for looking after you goes, it's my pleasure to do it; it's not something you need to pay me back for because just getting to spend time with you and have you around is all I could ask for. Just get through this, Y/N, get out of this ward and come home, and that will be the only thing you ever need to do for me.”

»»————-　★　————-««

You're still weak, so Yelena has her arms around you and your body is pressed into her side, but you're walking, forward and forward until you cross the threshold.

You're home.

A few weeks longer and you're back on your feet without assistance, standing next to Yelena in the kitchen as she teaches you to cook – starting easy with some basic pancakes after you said you had a craving for them in the hospital.

“Keep an eye on the pan,” Yelena instructs as her phone starts to ring in the other room, “flip it in 30 seconds if I'm still gone.”

She walks out. You set down your knife and the strawberries you had skillfully been cutting to stare directly at the pan, mentally counting down exactly from 30.

“I don't want a mission, Valentina,” you hear Yelena say from the living room. You don't let it distract you.

“Y/N is grounded from missions until they're back at full health, and I'm not going without them. I told you before, we work as a pair. That's non negotiable.”

You're flipping the pancake when Yelena walks back in, using the spatula instead of risking a pan flip. The older woman scoffs and gently nudges you out of the way so that she can take the pan back.

“Spatulas are for wimps,” she claims confidently, “let me show you some real skill.”

Both of you take a step back: you towards the door, and her towards the centre of the room, before she flicks the pan with her wrist. The pancake goes flying high into the sky, hits the ceiling, then falls unceremoniously back down to splat on the floor.

You both stare at it in silence.

“This is why I used a spatula,” you say at last.

“Maybe we should get a dog.”

“Where did that come from?”

“Well then it could eat the floor pancake.”

“Or we could just pick it up.”

“Yes, go on then,” she grins, moving forward to put the pan back on the heat and pouring more batter into it.

“Oh I would but, you know, I'm injured,” you say with false disappointment, “from when I saved your life, remember? So I probably shouldn't bend to pick it up.”

“You are a nuisance, child,” Yelena grumbles under her breath when she goes to pick the pancake up. You just grin… until the floor pancake is thrown directly at your face. You yelp and quickly dodge it; it smacks against the fridge this time so you catch it and finally put it with the food waste.

Eventually, a stack of successfully flipped pancakes fill the plate, enough for you and Yelena to enjoy your fill. Throughout the meal, you forget all about your squabble in the kitchen, and you believe Yelena had too, so when she smiles and turns to you, saying “you wanted to pay me back for the hospitality, right?” you nod earnestly.

“Then I think you can do the dishes for us both!” she continues, handing her empty plate to you before relaxing further into the couch. With a flick of her wrist, but a beaming smile on her face, she shoos you away.

“Because a gunshot and bleeding out for you isn’t enough,” you huff with a roll of your eyes, playfully kicking Yelena’s leg as you stand. “Some people are never satisfied.”

»»————-　★　————-««

General Taglist: @canvascoloredin @fxckmiup @wizardofstories

#yelena belova #yelena belova imagine #platonic yelena belova #yelena belova & reader #yelena belova & you #yelena belova & y/n #yelena belova fluff #yelena belova hurt/comfort #ikan writes #marvel #mcu

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 5 months ago

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I’m in a gaming community for the sims 4 and I make mods and content for it and when I get stuck there’s a discord server where I go to to get help. I’m autistic and have adhd and a bunch of other mental health issues including depression and I’m a super nice person almost to a fault.

I swear whenever I go to get help from the folks in there they are incredibly condescending and mean to me. I’m probably twice these ppls age too and they talk down to me like I’m a child and tbh they shouldn’t even talk to children the way they talk to me. I bet they don’t even talk to folks like this irl either just ppl online or maybe just me. Whenever I see them help others they are helpful, nice, and polite but with me either they ignore me or they come at me with mean remarks or talk down to me.

These are folks that are considered popular in the community too and they make lots of money off their fans so I couldn’t even go after them if I wanted to or report them for harassment or anything tbh.

I’ve never once done anything to them nor am I “stupid” so to speak. I don’t understand why they’re like this to me so when I called one of them out for it the other person said it was “uncalled for” and then the person I called out eventually apologized to me when they got more info of my situation but regardless of my situation they shouldn’t have reacted how they did.

The one that said it was uncalled for later acted exasperated towards me with an “oh my god” towards me when I was trying to explain my issue in terms they would understand bc they weren’t getting what I had already said. And I’m the slow one? What the hell.

I’m just so fed up with being treated like shit but it’s the only place I can go to get help?!

What should I do? Just endure the abuse? Abandon my game? Stop modding? It takes a huge toll on my mental health and after that “oh my god” I was crying on the phone to my husband after he called me to check in. But the game is my escape from real life and I enjoy it as is modding. Ahhh. 😯

Idk I’m at a loss as to why people can be so mean to others especially online. 🙄😭 sorry for the long rant I have no one else to talk to for advice that is autistic. Ty if you have the spoons to read this, I appreciate you and your blog.

Hi there,

I think it’s cool they you can mod games. I’m not familiar with Discord, but I know people can be mean everywhere.

Is there any other servers that you can join? Or surely you’re able to block people on there if you have to.

Honestly I’m at a loss too. I’m hoping my followers can help. Surely there are some that have or are in similar situations like yours.

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t help answer your question. But I appreciate the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open #discord #help needed

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twistmusings · 3 months ago

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Shark anon (from the Florid and AzuJade post is back!) and has asked again but I wanted to put the ask under a read more as it contains spoilers.

(Same anon as last asks.) I love your character insight! I havnt fully read azuls dream yet but i cant wait to dissect it. Also i love the example of subtle growth the boys have gotten over tje chapters - azuls merform being a example between chapter 3 compared to 7 now. as an aside, whole riddle did start floyd waking up, the thing that fully broke through to him was octa's loss and calling azuls ob a mistake on the leech's part. A tiny line but i think its a good insight to his feelings - 🦈

Yep! Exactly this! Honestly more than just Jeiazu and Florid shippers ate with this chapter too - I feel like basically any ship that involves one of the three gets a nice little fundamental shift in this chapter just because of the way that all of the boys show growth.

You're 100% right, Riddle is what starts Floyd waking up, but what actually gets Floyd to wake up 100% is because he feels guilty and responsible for Azul overblotting. I have been waiting for this because... those three have been friends for years, and we know that Azul was pretty injured during that fight. I suspected that the Leech twins didn't get off without at least some trauma from the incident, and Floyd bringing up that he and Jade feel partially responsible for it is cool because like... they have survivors guilt, or at the very least Floyd does.

Sure, Azul is alive, but we know that the entire experience was traumatic for him. And we also know that Azul has made significant progress in trying to heal those wounds from Azul's dream.

Again, this chapter shows so much genuine respect for each of them for each other both in regard to bodily autonomy but also in the way that they care for each other. Azul would likely not have been able to heal from that trauma as well as he has without a support system. I can't recall off the top of my head, but I believe one of his vignettes mentions that he does sit and chat with Jade and Floyd about his mental health pretty regularly. Regardless of if you view the relationships for the Octavinelle boys as platonic or not, they have pretty healthy boundaries established and go out of their way to be good friends and be present for each other.

I think you'll enjoy reading Azul's dream, anon! You do get quite a bit of additional information about these three and see how well they know each other and trust each other. Fingers crossed those translations are on the way for those of you who are waiting for them!

#not writing;;#twisted wonderland #twst #answered;;#azul ashengrotto #jade leech #floyd leech #twst spoilers

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intimidating-fettuccine · 1 year ago

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scenario of Lj visiting the grave of his Y/N?

Please take good care of yourself and make sure you get enough rest

Still not completely in a scenario headspace, sorry for that, but I hope you enjoy it regardless <3

The frequency of when he visits you tends to vary depending on how his mental health is doing, but he tends to visit you at least once or twice a week. Sometimes it hurts him too much to not be able to see you, to hear your voice, and it pains him to visit you, as he still blames himself for your passing. Then, there are times when he misses you too much, and he's down there every day, sometimes multiple times a day because he just needs to speak his thoughts to you, even though he knows you can't hear them or respond to them.

He's gotten into the habit of leaving toys on your grave for you so that it was like when you were still living and you always had one of his toys to rest with. He'll sit beside your grade for a few hours, working fast to make you a new plushie, and he'll place it next to your tombstone when he's finished. He also tends to leave you things like your favorite candies, and flowers he knows you loved, and he makes sure to change them out regularly. Something else he's started doing, whenever it's going to rain, is putting an umbrella or two safely attached to your tombstone to protect any of the gifts he's left you as he doesn't want your belongings to get destroyed, although he also always tells you it's because you need to stay dry as well.

It's very hard for Jack to be without you. You were his person, the one that truly accepted him, truly loved him, truly made him happy to be alive, and there can be no other after you. You're it for him, and he will continue to make visits to you, to keep your grave clean and tidy, to leave you gifts, to share his thoughts and stories and jokes just as he always did, because he loves you. And, one day, when his time finally comes, he'll be ready to join you. I can see Jack doing that, quite honestly, around the time you're buried, asking Slender to be placed next to you in the mansion cemetery, and of course, Slender will accept his request. No matter how many years in the future it'll be, he'll never leave your side. You hold all of him, his heart, his body, his very state of being, because after all, during your funeral when Slender allowed everyone to place an item into your casket to rest with you, the item Jack had placed in there with you was his box. You had been the one in charge of keeping it when you were alive, even if only for a short time, and Jack feels it's best kept at home with you. You are his home. As he laughs, as he yells, as he jokes around beside your final resting place, as he weeps and clutches to the ground, to the tombstone, to his final memories of you, he knows he'll always come back to you, and always take care of you. It's the least he could do for the person he believes to be his soulmate.

#creepypasta #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta x reader #laughing jack #laughing jack x reader #laughing jack headcanon #laughing jack headcanons

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alexandraisyes · 1 month ago

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I really want to thank you.

I've learned a lot about psychology and mental health from your blog. And it's helped me change how I talk about disorders a lot (not calling people and characters sociopaths/psychopaths/narcassists when they're a bad person, not making jokes about schizophrenia, stopping saying "im delusional", etc.) And honestly its not even that hard to do once I understand the why of it. Why should I call villains sociopaths automatically? Because obviously that villainizes Aspd. And then it just- clicks in my brain and yeah, for some things (especially the delusional one because I hear people say it all the time) I have to remind myself and correct myself, but just changing my way of thinking helps what I say

It also isn't even kind of an inconvenience?? Like sure, for soem things I have to figure out what to say instead, but tbh that just makes me think deeper on what actually is going on. Not demonizing disorders actually is helping my own mental health, its nice

Plus, you've actually helped me discover my love for psychology. Learning how the brain works is really interesting! And I want to help people. Plus I'm learning in a way that doesn't cause my anxiety. I have issues with seeing things that I relate to and automatically worrying that I have that disorder or whatever, and it's defiently getting better, but also the way you explain things doesn't trigger that warning alarm in my brain. It's straight forward, and often you're talking about things I don't even kind of relate too, which both helps me learn about how other people's brains work and let's me learn without worrying about myself

anyway- uhh TLDR that was just a lengthy way to say that your explanations and things have educated me and I really enjoy reading them (sometimes I physically can't bring myself to because they're long, but most of the time I can!!!)

Thank youuu. You've helped me learn more about others and myself <3

I have been marinating this in my mind for the past day, trying to figure out how to express how lovely of a feeling this brings me. I'm not exactly the emotional sort, so the immediate shock and then elation has long since passed, but the contentedness remains.

I cannot properly express the gratitude I feel, towards you and the universe, from this message. This is the kind of impact I've wanted to have on the world since I was very young. I would sit in my room as a little girl and daydream that I would write a novel or sing a song that was so expressive about pain and clarity and yes, psychology, although I didn't know the word for it, that it would shift people's mentalities, and make them understand why compassion is important. And reach the people who needed to hear it, and help them deal with their own hurt, and their own trauma, and let my words be a sort of healing factor in people's lives.

Never once did I ever think I'd achieve that through a tumblr blog.

And I have such a small amount of reach, such a small amount of influence in the grand scheme of things, but pebbles can cause landsides.

It's such a profound feeling to know that you have accomplished what you set out to do in even just a handful of people. That you have made a real difference to the net positive, like you've always wanted to. Everyone wants to leave a lasting legacy, an impression on people, that's just human nature, and some people will reach and reach and reach for that legacy and never be satisfied.

And I'm about to start getting really philosophical, so I'll cut it off here with a thank you. Thank you for telling me this. Thank you for letting me know that I have made a difference. I don't exactly have a sense of self for this knowledge to fall back on (a rather unfortunate consequence of my disorder), but I will cherish it regardless. Despite the fact that I have always wanted to make a difference, it never crossed my mind that I may actually reach that goal one day.

I'm glad my writings have helped you.

#answered ask #alex answers #thanks for the ask!#psychology

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alchemistc · 4 months ago

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i wanna start out by saying ive been patiently waiting for a hockey AU on the bucktommy fandom and your Goon fic is everything i have ever wanted, im honestly obsessed with your characterization of tommy

i have never been that big on rpf in the hockey fandom, but i always love reading people write crosby in their hockey aus, also love how you include Hockey Lore TM in the story

so, i wanted your take on the insane 'tradition' (not really tradition, more of a common occurrence) of players playing through injuries specially in the playoffs (I remember that in the 2016 or 2017 cup run, there was more players currently injured on the penguins than not, pretty sure Letang or Daley had like, broken fingers for most of the last round) and how many times Buck had to run away from Hen so he could play, because if anyone is more likely to play through injuries, i'd say is Evan "i-had-another-surgery-instead-of-waiting-for-my-leg-crush-injury-to-heal-naturally" Buckley, or Evan "I-sued-my-job-because-they-wouldnt-let-me-do-said-job-after-said-leg-crush-injury-and-vomitting-blood" Buckley

Thank you thank you! Goon has been so much fun to craft, and I'm loving seeing the hockey fans and the 'what's a chiclet' 9-1-1 fans alike enjoy it!

Personally? I hate it. I think the whole idea of it is fucking insane and detrimental to not only their physical health but their mental health as well. (From the Avs fan perspective, regardless of what we actually know about the Nichushkin situation, the man broke his foot and played through it, likely got addicted to a painkiller in the recovery process, missed a playoff series because of [redacted], had a career fucking year and then sent himself to the Players Assistance Program, came back, had MORE career highlights, and then...failed a drug test in the run up to the playoffs and got himself suspended.

(Another reason players just play through injury and mental health crisis is the Players Assistance Program, which IS ANOTHER MAJOR FAILING OF HOCKEY CULTURE IN GENERAL)

Hell, Landy played through a not-healed-injury after he took Cale's skate to his knee and now he's had two surgeries and may never make another appearance in a game because of it.

(I can't think of the player at the moment, but I remember a cup run where a player was playing with fractured ribs and it was later revealed that if he'd taken a puck or a nasty hit or gone into the boards wrong there was a chance he'd have had a vital organ punctured and likely wouldn't have known the extent of the damage until he'd collapsed from internal bleeding. It didn't happen, but WHAT THE FUCK)

And fans have a tendency to glorify them as gods for 'fighting through the pain' in their quest for the Cup.

As far as Goon goes:

They're all gonna be playing through injury. SInce this is from Tommy's perspective, he's coming at it from two angles - he's the guy who's played through injury his whole career just to keep a spot in the lineup, he's toughed it out and dealt with the numbing agents and the wraps and the twinge that doesn't go away for weeks at a time (and the aforementioned pain killers that eventually prompted him to go to fucking therapy in the first place). He is also the guy who has spent four years unpacking why exactly he did that - how much of it is the culture, how much of it is his own shit and his dad telling him to rub some dirt in it and stop being a pussy, how much of it has just been to prove himself capable of being one of the guys in the room.

There's also Hen, who pushes harder than the other trainers, and calls out the bullshit when she sees it, so yeah, this team probably has a slightly better track record of keeping the guy out with upper body injury out of the lineup for longer than any other team would, but - Buck's not the only one who's learned how to lie about exactly how much pain he's in and how well his recovery is going. He'll strain shit and refuse to admit it, he'll push through on a 'minor' injury unless he thinks playing on it would threaten his career. (He absolutely has NO real concept of how bad an injury actually is, tbh, because like everyone else he's been lying about it for so long he doesn't have an accurate pain scale.)

The tldr of this is that I don't condone it, but the reality is it's so ingrained in kids coming up that it's a reality of the culture and I'm not necessarily gonna shy away from that. It's not a huge focus of the story, but there will be hints here and there.

#bucktommy hockey au #don't even get me started on the deification of kadri when he came back from breaking his thumb #that whole cup run is just a cesspool of toxic masculinity trumping taking care of the body #every cup run is #and i doubt it'll change any time soon #let's also not talk about all of the legends dying and finding out during autopsy that they all had cte #like yeah they wear helmets now and have a concussion protocol but is that ever NOT enough

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the-moonjay-forest-system · 6 months ago

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I just had a really great conversation with my qpp who's questioning osdd, some parts got a little triggering and I experienced this weird like somatic flashback?? at one point but I'm really glad we had it regardless of that stuff.

Just talking about system stuff and mental health stuff in general was like so odd but so great at the same time. CDDs are just so hard to talk about and it feels like you could go your whole life without telling anyone about certain parts of symptoms or experiences. And there really is just so much more to it than alters or "having multiple personalities" and it almost never gets brought up.

It was honestly one of the best phone calls I've ever had and I don't know if it helped my qpp in anyway but I'm just so glad I could talk to someone about these things and I enjoyed hearing from them and their experiences too. I've had system friends in the past but I've never opened up this much with any of them.

CDDs can feel so isolating but I think it does help to open up to people who might understand. The community can be too much for us at times and it's hard to navigate our way through it but I hope we can have more system friends in the future who we feel comfortable talking too and knowing we're not alone.

#cdd system #actually did #did system #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #osdd system #did osdd #system stuff #pdid #actually osdd #actually dissociative #did community #actually cdd #cdd community #dissociative system #system rambles #system relationships #pdid system

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shaapes · 2 months ago

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how does it feel having played night in the woods for such a long time ? (i just saw that this blog was made in 2017, and i only just now finished the game and am replaying it)

it feels weird !! but it also makes me appreciate this game so much more, honestly.

i first played it while i was in high school. i felt a lot for the characters and gravitated a lot towards mae's emotions and gregg's storyline. i was dealing with my own emotions and felt a lot of comfort in the game as well as just really loving all the characters.

i replayed it last year and it was a very different but equally emotional experience.

i've graduated university now and did not have a good experience there. mae's lines about not making any friends, her mental health while there, and why she left hit a lot harder. i didn't drop out like mae, but i almost did a few times, and i connected a lot with how she seemed lost and things hadn't turned out how she expected.

but having worked both jobs i like and ones i hate now, i also understood the other three a lot more - i both saw parts of myself in mae and saw how her friends all had lives that she was now appearing back in. the disconnect in the stages their lives were at but their love for each other regardless was very important to me.

i played bea's storyline last year. when i played in high school, i liked bea but didn't connect with her story as much as others - i usually just did the gregg hangouts. i felt like i was seeing bea through completely different eyes this time, and understood her a whole lot more now. some of her scenes felt like i finally understood her and she understood me.

sorry, i don't think you probably expected this much info! but it has been a really interesting experience for me over the years to come back to this game now and then, and see how the experience changes as my life changes. i think that there is so much to say about nitw, and the things we individually connect to in the game vary not only from person to person but across the different stages of our life. if i replay it next year, there might be new lines that hit completely different than they used to. if i replay it another 7 years from now, i think in a way it will feel completely different because of how much i'll have changed.

i hope you enjoyed your first playthrough, and i hope you enjoy your replay too!! this game has so much to offer. if you let it, it can have a really special place in your life. i don't think i'll ever be over it.

p.s. i used to be so good at demontower, i beat it at least 4 times (getting both achievements for myself and my best friend) and nowadays i can't get past the second level?!

#ask #text #mine

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stormblessed95 · 2 years ago

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I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

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hekateinhell · 8 months ago

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I just need to get something off my chest real quick, there's really no need to read this unless you want to because you're bored lmao.

So I used to be really good at answering the asks I got. I wouldn't say I answered all of them, but I think overall I had a good ratio for a long time! And I loved it! I think the asks feature is the best thing that tumblr has to offer as a social media platform (god knows just about everything else sucks).

I loved getting asks and answering them and it's a great way to talk to others in our little fandom bubbles and trade thoughts and insights with one another. My mental health did take quite a few hits in the past several months, and part of that was real life (school, sickness, death in the family) and part of that was bullshit fandom drama.

But it just occurred to me yesterday that the reason I'm nowhere near as prolific in answering the asks I get is because I have always put so much effort into putting disclaimers behind all my meta, walking on eggshells so people won't throw tantrums every time I share an opinion they don't like.

And you know what? That just made me an nervous, erratic person afraid of her own tumblr shadow. The thought of having to do all the work to put ten thousand disclaimers behind everything I say so some asshole won't vague me because I accidentally hurt their feelings just made me not want to reply to anything at all. It's fucking exhausting having to think of every scenario in which people might interpret whatever you're saying (about fictional characters may I remind you) in the worst light possible.

In the end all that time and effort I put into censoring myself—because I try to be a nice person, I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me, regardless of the fact that that's been never my intention—in the end none of that mattered! There's people that have been vaguing me for almost two years now and it's not like I go seeking out this information but it's a small fandom and I stumble over it on another blog or some shit every once in a while.

Agonizing over whether or not some random is going to interpret everything I say in the worst possible faith and have a fit on main about my shit takes and make a block list of people who interact with my posts is just so stupid honestly, and trying to censor myself didn't do me a shred of good. People still regularly call me names and insult my intelligence because of the characters I ship, the meta I write, and the kinks I enjoy talking about. It doesn't even matter if I've been active recently or not, they're still mad about stuff I said ages ago! I can't win!

So from now on I'm just to do my best to break this depressing old habit and be online without being apologetic and diminishing my own opinions, answer asks however the hell I want without feeling obligated to coddle a bunch of grown ass adults, and if people want to cry about it, there's a box of tissues in the corner. Go nuts. ♥️

#apologies for exposing myself on main as being a person and not three raccoons in a trenchcoat #i miss being on my blog the way i used to be that was a great time 🤧#i'm sure this post will end up vagued too rip but literally i do not care anymore #if you're going to let little old me get under your skin that much then i might as well make myself at home #hekate.txt #fandom wank

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lilithsaga · 10 months ago

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Selen Tatsuki and the Dangers of Corporate Mismanagement

Before the announcement, the community was divided into two groups.

One side consisted of Dragoons (Selen's fanbase) and other pro-Selen fans who just wanted to have any update on Selen's status regardless of what the outcome may be, campaigning #WhereIsSelen across Twitter/X.

The other side consisted of anti-NijiEN fans who would holler about Nijisanji EN and ANYCOLOR being a black company that treats their talents like shit and only cares about their own greed and reputation.

These two sides would argue about the speculation behind Selen's weeks of disappearance following the removal of the "Last Cup of Coffee" cover song by NijiEN management.

Then, on February 5th 2024, the dreaded white document was posted... and the internet exploded in rage.

Link to the full document here.

We could go through all the different warning signs and the timeline of events that led to this announcement, but I guarantee other people on the internet have that covered. If you decided to read this rant, I'm 90% sure it's because you've heard about Selen Tatsuki's controversial termination from other sources.

Instead, I want to reflect on Selen's situation in a corporate company and how that affected her mental health... citing some of my own personal experiences as well.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional or a professional of anything. I'm a random succubus on the internet with an opinion and experience, so take it however you wish. This is just reflection and personal speculation.

TW: mentions of harassment, depression, and thoughts of suicide. Reader discretion is advised.

My Background

I am a vtuber (or rather, PNGtuber), but not a corporate vtuber. However, I work for a corporate company in my IRL job in a 9-to-5 office setting. I started as an intern, came back to work with them after graduating university, got laid off after 6 months because of interest rates and over-hiring, and was brought back 2 months later in a different role to help them with demand.

Despite not working for a corporate vtuber company, I think it can be agreed upon that corporate is corporate no matter the industry, at least at the very core of their operations. Corporations are just large companies at the end of the day.

The reason I wanted to make this post is that, from one corporate worker to another, I 100% understand why Selen did what she did and feel that I am still facing a similar situation.

I may not have been a Dragoon, but I have always admired how she interacted with her community and created so many fun events for everyone to enjoy. Even though she wasn't my Oshi, I was deeply concerned about Selen's well-being.

And while I believed you couldn't trust Nijisanji EN any further than you could throw them, I was waiting to see how it would turn out. Because there was no way Selen, one of the Vtuber community's most beloved gamers and content creators, would stay missing in action forever. It wouldn't be long before Nijisanji EN would make their move.

Selen's Termination

Again, here's the link to the white document that set the internet ablaze.

I want to make one slightly controversial take here before we break it down... what Selen did is within grounds for termination.

Listen! Before the pitchforks are brought out, I'm not saying that Nijisanji EN should have fired Selen the way they did. There was sooo much they could have done to avoid this outcome that they clearly neglected to consider. But knowing how corporate jobs operate, or honestly, how any job or role operates, Selen clearly failed to follow Nijisanji protocol. She essentially went rogue.

We won't be analyzing the document word for word. Please read the full termination announcement by Nijisanji EN if you haven't already.

Instead, we're going to be analyzing key parts of the termination announcement by Nijisanji EN that I feel need further discussion.

Selen's Permissions

One thing I've noticed many people confused about is why Nijisanji EN removed the Last Cup of Coffee cover when there is evidence of Selen having permission long before posting it.

Selen "Last Cup of Coffee" After Party Stream clip, from FalseEyeD's video

LilyPichu's tweet confirming Selen had permission since August 2022

Artist who worked with Selen, Madi/@weeniedesu, shares how Selen paid her back personally when Nijisanji EN never got around to it

Selen got permissions from the creator and producer of the song. She got permissions from the artists that she commissioned. She took care of anything that could have been copyrighted, so why is Nijisanji saying she didn't check all the boxes for approval?

There's only one possibility. She never got approval from management.

Because if you work for a corporate company, you need to get approval from supervisors before ANYTHING goes out. Large companies have a reputation to keep, and if something goes out without supervisors getting a chance to review it... it could be bad shit. Maybe it's information that isn't supposed to be leaked; maybe it's an offensive joke; maybe it's as simple as a typo. The list goes on.

However, if their management is as awful as we think it is, I doubt Nijisanji EN even follows their own protocol.

The process of getting checks and approvals from other parties is always going to be longer than doing everything yourself. With good management, this is usually not a problem. But with bad management... this is a nightmare.

Personal Story Time!

When I came back from being laid off, I had new job requirements, a new role, and a new supervisor. As a person, I actually like my supervisor. She is very creative, knows what steps need to be taken for the company, and we have similar attitudes and humor. Unfortunately, this does not translate to how she manages a team.

My main issue with my manager is that she does not take the time or show interest in my work. She runs around like she's a chicken with her head cut off, will bury herself in her office and demand team members not interrupt her physically or virtually unless it's urgent, and will only speak to you if she needs something from you without really checking in on you.

Forgive me, for I am still young, but growing up, I was always under the impression that it was a supervisor's job to check in on their team and set them up for success. With this environment that I still find myself in, I'll be honest... I don't really feel supported at all.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around my supervisor and can only contact her whenever a 5-minute happy hour presents itself. I have work that needs to be done within a day, sometimes a week for bigger projects, but I struggle to get my supervisor's attention because my work is less crucial than that of some of my teammates. I often feel like the only way to get attention for the work I need to do is if I kick down the door and shove a printed copy in her face. Even so, that very rarely guarantees anything gets done in time that clients expect it to.

I understand that supervisors in high leadership positions don't always have a lot of time. Because of that, I was told that it was my responsibility to go to them when I have problems or stuff that needs done.

And yes, I should be more assertive about my work. Everyone should go to supervisors for situations that they need help with.

But if supervisors don't make that easy for you to do, what is the point?

Story time is over! Back to Selen!

Given my experience, I can understand how Selen feels. For a cover song of this scale, it must have taken months... maybe even a year—for it to be created in the first place. So the fact that Nijisanji EN management claims they first saw the video on December 24th is very concerning.

If this statement is true, then that means that they didn't do their job of checking in with Selen on the progress of this cover project. Or worse, Selen didn't trust them to work with her on releasing the cover song on time, so she took matters into her own hands.

Either way, it shows little to no support from Nijisanji EN management on an important project and reveals a damaged relationship between the two parties.

Honestly, I don't blame Selen. Yes, she did break company protocol, and it is a fire-able offense. But if her management was anything like mine, I would have done the same thing. Hell, I shouldn't be saying this, but I have done the same thing to a lesser degree. (It is rule-breaking, but not illegal. Best if I don't go into detail.)

But if Selen's management is as hard to get in contact with as my supervisor, how the hell does ANYTHING get done? Companies need to conduct business. But how can business be done if employees cannot progress due to management delays?

If they're not going to take the time to work with their employees to get proper permissions on time for upcoming projects ON TIME, I don't think they should be surprised at how things turned out.

Selen's Harassment

The worst part of this announcement is the blatant disregard for Selen's side and point of view on behalf of Nijisanji EN management.

"She claimed that she was no longer able to engage in her activities as a Liver due to the decisions made by ANYCOLOR, was being harassed by other affiliated Livers due to mismanagement, etc., while refusing to acknowledge her responsibility for violating the Activity Rules."

This sentence sticks out to so many people, especially the second part of it. But both parts are important because of Nijisanji EN's response.

We will get to that in a moment.

But let's focus on the claims Selen makes here:

"She claimed that she was no longer able to engage in her activities as a Liver due to the decisions made by ANYCOLOR."

This ties in to what we talked about earlier with the lack of support from management. Selen's claim expressed that she could not move forward with what she wanted to do because of the barriers to ANYCOLOR's decisions. Her feelings here make sense, given how it isn't the first time that her plans have been prevented by management.

More importantly, though, Selen also claims she

"was being harassed by other affiliated Livers due to mismanagement."

While many people want to know who these livers are—believe me, I'm curious as well—I want to know something else. If one of your talents is claiming there is harassment within your company, why aren't you investigating this?

Harassment is not something to be taken lightly or brushed off as an inconvenience. If your employee feels unsafe working at your company, I think it's worth taking a step back to try and understand where that employee is coming from, regardless of whether you think it's true or not.

So how do Nijisanji EN management and ANYCOLOR respond?

"ANYCOLOR believes that the claims raised by Selen Tatsuki are in fact referring to situations that arose when she was warned about her breaches of the Activity Rules and attempts to shift the responsibility for these violations, damaging ANYCOLOR and NIJISANJI EN's image. This led to the deterioration of the relationship between her, ANYCOLOR, and other Livers affiliated with ANYCOLOR. ANYCOLOR firmly believes that we and other Livers under our affiliation have not engaged in unjust practices towards Selen Tatsuki."

So instead of listening to her concerns, they brush off her claims as Selen crying wolf and blame her for making Nijisanji EN look bad.

HELLO???

I'm honestly not sure why I'm surprised by this blatant disregard for human emotion by a greedy corporate company. They clearly decided they didn't want to take the time to understand how badly Selen was hurting from their decisions.

And why would they? Especially when they clearly see her as bad trouble ruining their precious image.

However, they were aware that all of the stress from their company landed their employee in the hospital. So now, let's talk about the heaviest part of this story.

Selen's Attempt

TW: mentions of depression, and thoughts of su1cide. Please skip this portion (by finding the next smiling Selen screenshot) if you are not in a good mind to be reading about this!

Let's go back to Christmas... or rather, a few days after.

After the removal of "Last Cup of Coffee" from her channel, Selen stayed eerily silent. It was unusual for her to skip streams, especially collab streams, without notifying her followers. But given what just happened, it was very likely she was upset.

From her official Twitter/X account, only two tweets were created after Christmas. Whether she tweeted it or Nijisanji EN tweeted it, it only slightly matters to me. The fact of the matter is this: the events described in those tweets are true.

"I apologize for the silence. I've been in the hospital after an accident and will be staying there for a few days to be under supervision. I just got back access to my phone yesterday."

As soon as I read this tweet, my heart sank. Selen just had a negative incident at her company, where she had lost so much both financially and mentally. What part of "I've been in the hospital after an accident" makes anyone feel calm?

And the worst part... "an accident." Not a car accident, not a fist fight, just... an accident.

(In hindsight, the quasi-vague wording fits Nijisanji's modus operandi perfectly. It's specific enough to indicate something had happened, but not specific enough to indicate what that event was.)

But saying something is an accident... that's an easy cop-out for saying that someone attempted and survived... I think.

At least, it made the most sense to me at the time. Selen just lost $15,000 on a passion project that had a single unmovable barrier in it's way. Regardless of whether she is financially well-off or not, that's an enormous amount for anyone to lose in a day. If she had decided to attempt after something like that, I honestly wouldn't blame her in the slightest.

But the part of it that really had me suspicious that this was an attempt was that she was under supervision and "I just got back access to my phone yesterday."

This part is going to get a little personal here...

As someone with major depressive disorder, crippling anxiety, and suicidal ideations, I've found myself in inpatient care before. For those unaware, an inpatient is someone who stays in a hospital while under medical treatment. They receive lodging, food, and medicine to help them through whatever they are going through. It's the easiest way for someone to receive medication while also being watched closely to see if any changes to their health occur.

My reason for being inpatient is a bit personal. But at the very least, I was in an unstoppable depressive fit of constant crying where I couldn't even answer the simplest questions and didn't know what to do to stop crying.

As I was taken to the inpatient facility, saying goodbye to my mother, stripped of all my belongings (including clothes), and told I needed to sleep in a thin bed with nothing but a hospital gown on... the impact of my new reality away from the rest of the outside world terrified me and made me more depressed.

So, when Selen said she was under supervision and had her phone taken away... it instantly reminded me of what I experienced in the inpatient unit. I had my phone taken away, I had others think I was going to harm myself, I was allowed 1 hour of visitation at a specific hour every day where my emergency contact came to sit and talk with me, and the supervision was still very strict, with night guards poking a flashlight through your door to make sure you didn't do anything at night.

That's all I'm going to say about my experience.

Naturally, given what I had experienced, it didn't seem unreasonable to me that Selen's accident could have been a serious attempt on taking her life.

And who knows how long she had to fight to keep her sanity working as a corporate vtuber for Nijisanji EN? The job is stressful enough whether management is good or bad. But if the management is bad and stays bad for a long time with no improvements, patience can run out very quickly. One bad day can snowball into an avalanche.

For Selen, I imagined the pressure was becoming too much to handle. This heartfelt cover song could have been the breaking point that pushed her over the edge.

But, at that time, there was no proof.

So I stayed quiet, because people suggesting this narrative were getting flamed online for saying it. And honestly, with no confirmation at that point, it would probably inspire fear in a lot of Dragoons. It would cause them to assume the worst.

However, I said this at the beginning. The events described in her final tweets as Selen Tatsuki are true.

Confirmed by a little birdie.

"I will not be silenced anymore. On Dec, I was hospitalized for an attempt that was caused by a built up of bullying from within & being in a toxic & poor environment for numerous months that lead to my breaking point. I requested to leave first but on more neutral terms on 26th Jan."

This tweet is courtesy of Selen's previous life before joining Nijisanji EN, and is where she is now. Dokibird tweeted this not long after the announcement dropped, fully prepared with her statement.

It broke my heart knowing that what I had suspected was indeed true. For someone so talented to be going through so much turmoil, it would have been the biggest tragedy in vtubing history if we were to lose her in the worst way possible.

But, at the end of it all, I'm so glad to know she is alive, well, and will continue to move forward with more support than she ever expected.

It is the end of Selen Tatsuki's journey, but the beginning of Dokibird's next chapter.

Selen's Legacy

With the scarier stuff out of the way, I want to mention one last thing that irritated me about Selen's termination.

Nijisanji EN did not value Selen as much as they should have.

Yes, terminations are looked at a lot less positively than graduations. But to only do the bare minimum of acknowledging Selen's achievements with the company??

"Since becoming a part of NIJISANJI EN in July 2021, Selen Tatsuki has undeniably played a significant part in the growth of NIJISANJI EN. We fully understand that our decision to terminate the contract will have a significant impact on Selen Tatsuki's fans and supporters of NIJISANJI EN."

That's it. That's the only positive thing they had to say about her in the whole 3 page document.

She has hosted multiple tournaments, introduced the company to VR chat entertainment with AR Live events, commissioned lofi covers of all the Nijisanji EN Debut songs, connected bridges from other top vtuber agencies that seemed impossible, and is overall a fun entertainer with an infectious laugh and smile.

The fact that all she has done for the company is just summed up in 1-2 sentences is unforgivable.

And again, I understand that this is a termination, not a graduation. Terminations are for firing "problematic" people, not honoring their accomplishments. But only two sentences that vaguely acknowledge she made an impact as Nijisanji EN grew?

She deserves so much better than that.

While this does not cover everything that she has done for her community, especially as of recent, I recommend watching The Selen Tatsuki Experience, made for her 2021 birthday by devoted fans and clippers.

youtube

And here is a fan project for her birthday in 2022 showcasing the Top 15 Selen Tatsuki Streams.

youtube

While these are the videos that first come to my mind, there's so much Selen content out in the wild, even if her channel has been wiped by Nijisanji EN. So many memories, clips, fun experiences, and moments that will never be forgotten by her community and beyond.

If you have any you want to add to this, feel free to do so. I know the Dragoons can say so much more about her than I ever can, and I'm ashamed that I don't have more moments to add.

No matter where she goes or what she does, Selen will always have the support from every person she touched and inspired.

But it's time we thank Selen for all that she brought us and say goodbye.

Because now that this part of her life is over, it's time to move on to newer pastures and new beginnings. Because that is what Selen would want.

Or rather, it is what Dokibird wants.

youtube

Dokibird - YouTube Channel

dokibird - Twitch Channel

@dokibird - Twitter account

dokidoggu - Etsy

Final Thoughts

As I read back through everything I wrote, (which holy shit, it is a lot more than I expected; I think I really just needed to get this out of my system more than anything else), the more it makes me realize that Selen is not alone.

She never will be alone again. But I mean it a bit differently.

Selen is not the only one who has lived through corporate mismanagement. Far from it. Following her situation had made me realize just how similar my situation is to hers.

Following management that does not care about the employees enough to set them up for success. The depression that follows where you feel like you're gasping for air trying to make it through every day. Staying in bed late because waking up and going to a toxic work environment is too much.

This isn't a blanket statement of "all corporate companies are bad." That was never the point of this post. And, there are plenty of good corporations who will work with their employees and look out for their well-being. Even other corporate vtuber agencies do this!

However, I think it goes to show that corporate mismanagement can easily torture someone who feels trapped by decisions out of their control.

You can blame the employee all you want by saying "It's a corporate company! You should know that you have to follow the rules even if you disagree with them." But it isn't always that easy.

Sometimes, rules change. And once you are a part of a company, it isn't always easy to just quit and move on. Some people can't afford to do that.

I wish I had some kind of lesson I could leave behind related to all of this. Something like "Watch Out For These Warning Signs Of Mismanagement!"

But, I'm still working for a corporate company as my day job. I can't really leave until I find a new job or get fired.

So what can I tell you?

Selen's situation has motivated me to work harder to find a better work environment.

I've worked for this corporate company for a while now. It started as something I enjoyed because I was given more creativity and feedback on projects than previous positions. But it's not like that anymore.

No job is worth giving your life over.

And if Nijisanji EN management doesn't realize how messed up it can be working for them, and aren't willing to change for the good of their talents... they aren't worth a single cent.

Your happiness > Your job

If you managed to make it through all +3,000 words of ranting, I hope you find your own happiness. Thank you for taking the time to read all the way through.

I wish Dokibird nothing but the best as she kicks off this new chapter in her story.

As for Nijisanji EN, I hope they learned their lesson. If they keep their management the way it is, there will be more instances like this to the point where eventually no one will want to work with them anymore.

I have stayed up till 2am writing so I could say all I wanted to say. I should get at least 5 hours of rest before I have to wake up and go to my corporate IRL job. Hopefully, this year I'll be able to move on to a more promising environment in the not too distant future.

Thank you once again for reading, and I hope you have a lovely rest of your day! 💜

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