#I have no clue what my goals are this year other than making it through the next year of college so lol

[hinaliix]

Some doodles to start the year off 🫶

[moongothic]

So a few weeks ago I ran into this, old, old Crocodile meta post from 2015, the OP of which hasn't been active on Tumbr (at least on that account) since 2018. And this post (along with some of the OP's other posts) has been living in my head rent free since then.

There was just something there about seeing these old meta posts, completely detached from the current state of the story, the fandom and the Crocodad Propaganda... It just made for a truly refreshing read, but they also had such great observations about Crocodile I hadn't even thought about or noticed*, and somewhat most importantly... validating my own feelings/observations about things I've been kind of afraid to vocalize myself lest I apper completely delulu. Like I dunno I do worry sometimes if I'm just reading into things too much just to make massive reaches to get The Reading of the character that happens to support the Crocodad theory specifically, instead of trying to get a more objective reading instead. So seeing someone else make either those exact same or similar observations nearly 10 years before I did is so validating, and really just made me want to discuss some of those things.

*(Like this whole post about how "DON!" is often used to add emphasis and show the true beliefs of characters, and how Crocodile doesn't really say things with a DON!, almost like his heart isn't in most of the things he does or says. I dunno it was such a good read)

Sidenote: I do want to quickly comment that I don't agree with the OP on some of their readings about stuff, and more importantly, due to the age of the both the original posts and the OP not being active anymore, I didn't want to, like... Treat them as if they just posted it recently and interact with the posts as such. (I dunno, when people go digging through my decade old main blog and start reblogging shit I posted in like 2014 it just. I dunno, it's just kind of uncomfortable. Like you're allowed to browse my past but I wished people let my ancient cringe stay in the past. But that's just me) Like for example I feel like OP has a fundamental misunderstanding what being "trans" really even means (thus I don't agree with their take on trans Croc), but again, OP's take is old and so I don't want to hold it against them. They could have grown since then and come to better understand what being trans means, and regardless of that they don't have to buy into the theory either. And I absolutely do not want anyone to start trying to pester them about it or anything (again, they posted these things nearly 10 years ago), regardless of if they're still active or not. But yeah, that's why this is a whole separate post rather than a reblog with commentary.

So OP in their post speculated how in this moment (chap 206), based on the face he makes and the serious look he gives to Luffy, Crocodile seems to find the idea of someone being willing to die for someone else's sake absolutely incomprehensible, as if he's trying to wrap his head around the mere concept. That, or he used to know what it was like to hold someone/something that dear to you, but has long forgotten what it was like

Rereading this arc a while back I couldn't help but to take notice of this panel too and that unusual, somber(?) look on Crocodile's face. But because I'm a Crocodad Truther, of course I couldn't help but to feel that this was a face of recognition, of Crocodile understanding Luffy exactly in this moment, that willingness to do anything for a loved one. Especially because I have been speculating Crocodile might've been doing all of this with the goal of nuking the World Government out of orbit to protect his long lost baby boy (it's just that he simply finds Luffy's insistence on protecting this random ass princess from a random ass country he has zero ties to ridiculous, as opposed to like, doing all of this to protect immidiate, close family)

So again, despite the different reading it is validating as hell to see someone else think this panel in particular was odd. But the more I thought about it, I did kind of start leaning towards OP's reading. Now this one was originally pointed out by opbackgrounds, how in this scene (chapter 196) while Crocodile is meant to be laughing and mocking the royal guard for "throwing their lives away" to protect Cobra, he isn't actually smiling. We don't even get to see his full face with his eyes blacked out, so we don't get to see Crocodile's true feelings in this scene

And that does kind of reframe what he says in the second panel. For a long time I wondered if the implication was that Crocodile does actually value people's lives more than he lets on (especially with his seeming willingness to blow up a million people in a violent, orchestraded coup), just having a "small sacrifice for the greater good" kinda outlook (as we know, casualties can't be avoided in war, Croco and Luffy both agree on that) (where as I would IMAGINE Dragon having a more "no sacrifices, we have to save as many people as possible" kinda principle)

But now, looking at these two moments together, and knowing Crocodile has trust issues for unknown reasons, there is also that option that, perhaps... No one has ever shown that kind of loyalty towards him, a willingness to follow him to the grave or support him, to stay by his side? And if so, maybe, in these two scenes, Crocodile does recognize that kind of deep loyalty and trust and love, and has to cope with the fact that he has and may never experience it himself, that he's doomed to be alone, surrounded only by people who "respect him" out of fear (something that could be extra painful while knowing someone had just recently betrayed him by leaking his info to ruin his plans/after figuring out it was Robin, his very literal partner in crime. Like talk about rubbing salt into a wound).

And y'know, that is an extremely sad reading and I feel so bad for my poor little meow meow (that man needs a hug so bad), but also that doesn't really add to pushing The Crocodad Agenda, which is very unfortunate. Especially because I feel like between the two readings, Crocodile recognizing loyalty no one will ever show him (and being hurt by the fact) feels like a more comprehensive and simple reading, than if one is about him showing he doesn't fully believe in what he's doing is right and the other about him relating to Luffy on a deeper level.

But then, as OP pointed out in their post, for the entirety of page 2 of Chapter 207 while Luffy is keeling over from the poison finally kicking in, Crocodile looks like he's fully letting down his walls to express genuine relief, as if the those beliefs Croc had carried and convinced himself were true were just confirmed

What're his beliefs again? That trust in others is worthless, and you can not afford to have ideals if you're weak, great strenght being the only thing that allows you, if not straight up justifies you, in doing whatever you please? Now, maybe it's just me, but if Crocodile was showing relief here over his belief that trusting others is worthless after being reminded time and time again of the love and loyalty the Strawhats have for each other and the Alabastan kingdom has for everyone in it (etc)... I dunno, I feel like that would be kind of weak, if that's where Crocodile's internalized beliefs were wavering. But if Crocodile's whole Utopia-plan had been about destroying the WG to protect his baby boy (and release the whole world from the WG's oppressive rule while he's at it) at whatever cost, while he deep inside knew what he was doing was fucked up beyond belief... Yeah, Crocodile trying to convince himself what he was doing was "justified" would make sense. Him having his beliefs potentially even waver a little bit through out this whole ordeal would make sense. Crocodile in this moment experiencing relief that what he had told himself was the righteous would make sense.

Everybody remember's Doflamingo's speech from Marineford, about how history is written by the victors and its them who decide what is right and what is wrong- the winner becomes "justice" itself. Vegapunk kind of called back to this concept during his broadcast too, and yeah, Crocodile did kind of introduce us to it back in Alabasta. If he had won, he would have been "justified" in what he had done, because it'd be him who'd be deciding what's right and what's wrong.

Now I don't really have anything else to add to that post in particular (though I absolutely love the reading on the Crocodile vs Robin part and now that I've read it I can't unsee nor disagree with it), but OP did make a separate post speculating about some of design decisions Oda made regarding Crocodile, starting with discussing the logo for Baroque Works. And they pointed this out

Bro wrote this in 2015, they have no idea, oh my god, dude had no clue whatsoever

So quickly looking that one up and yeah, wings have sometimes been used to represent the sun (most commonly with the sun, as a winged sun?) and yeah, that actually has a lot of meaning in the current state of the series re: God of Liberation the Sun God Nika. But what's more is that this is actually the SECOND time we're actually finding a way to link Crocodile to sun-symbolism, the other being Crocodile being a reference to the Egyptian god Sobek (protector god, god of military, go to Wikipedia), who has an alternative form (/fusion with Ra) called Sobek-Ra, where he is a sun god. And what was Crocodile trying to do in Alabasta if not falsely "liberate" the country from its original rule. Also worth noting is that seemingly the winged sun was most commonly used in Egyptian iconography, so if Oda ever did research Egyptian mythology for inspiration in Alabasta (which, considdering the sheer amount of Stuff in the story as a whole is more than likely), then it is very possible he could have read about the winged sun and used it intentionally.

But what I do find interesting is that, yeah, wings kinda are a symbol one would considder "heroic" or related to "freedom". And, as I have been going on and on about, if Crocodile's ultimate goal in creating his funny little "utopia" was to overthrow the World Government and "free" the whole world of their rule. Like. That really lines up with the whole symbolism with the sun and the liberation and the freedom and shit, like. Why does it line up so neatly good dear god

I dunno how to end this post, these were just a few little things that I had been thinking about after coming across OP's blog and, yeah, just wanted to discuss them.

Again, OP hasn't been active for years, but if they did suddenly come back please don't bother them or god forbid harrass them/try to get them to change their mind about trans Croco. Just don't start shit, please.

End of post byeeeeeeee

[maudie-duan]

A/N: Hey guys! This chapter is kind of graphic in the sense that I wanted you to feel like "a fly on the wall" during Marlowe's day. I hope you guys enjoy it and have a lovely weekend!!

Tag List: Always Open

All Chapters<-

Word Count: 8.2k

Warnings: 18+, Language, Smut, Under Age Drinking, Eating Disorder, Body Dysmorphia, Mentions Of Pregnancy, Graphic Check-Up Scene, Mentions Of Abortion, Teen Angst, Emotions. (If I miss anything, let me know.)

I had every intention of going to school on Tuesday, but I panicked as soon as I woke up. I knew it was playing with fire to have unprotected sex with someone, but I did it anyway, and I knew the smart thing to do was to rush to Planned Parenthood and get the morning-after pill. 

I know that emergency contraceptive isn’t a good form of birth control, but I had no intention of having sex with Trent after I got off the pill; I had no intention of having sex at all. I thought I hated it all together and could go a lifetime without it, but then Harry happened. Every time I was around him, my fucking sound judgment went out the door, this whole other me slipping in like a piece of me got to be free, like I finally got to be free. There was nothing to live up to, no goals to meet, or a specific appearance to keep up with—and I know there are bigger things, but this was my life. 

When I stepped into the waiting room after calling ahead, I sat there, peering around at the people coming in and out—at the woman trying to console her baby, at the girl who looked the same age as me, smiling over at me as she stood when the nurse called her name, her belly rounding past her small frame. It made my heart sink. Even though I didn’t know her story, she was walking back alone, and something about it felt lonely. 

It was the heaviest dose of reality I needed—A hard hitter as I sat there alone, wondering if I should have been honest with Harry about everything and if I had, would he be sitting here next to me now? There’s no better way to suck the fun out of a carefree moment than to slap it in the face with the truth.

And what about him? I had no clue what his sexual history was like; I mean, I didn’t need a specific number, but how many girls was he fucking with no condom? It seemed strange on both parts—why has neither one of us said a word, and is no condom such a regular thing for him that it doesn’t even cross his mind? Or is he just assuming that I’m on birth control since I’m not walking around with a baby on my hip after two years of sleeping with the same guy?

My mind kept returning back to the day I tossed those pills in the trash, making myself sick at the thought of ever getting pregnant because what would I do? Would they tell my parents? I never pictured a baby in my life; would I keep it? I’ve never been opposed to abortion, but could I follow through with it if the time came?

How would I tell Harry? Because without a doubt, it would be his—and then I’m whipping my phone out of my purse, scrolling back one month…a month and a half…almost two months since I had my period, and I thought my heart would fall heart straight through to my ass. Had it really been that long? I sat there trying to wrack my brain, thinking, when was the last time?

I can only remember buying tampons that week before I hooked up with Harry for the first time. I remember now because it was like a miracle from the universe that I had just gotten off my period, not even spotting, like my body was just getting back to normal.

Can Plan B fuck up your period? I honestly didn’t know anything about it. My sister just told me to take it in case of an emergency, and dammit, that was an emergency, just like now, and holy fuck, it is so hot in here, and that baby will not stop crying, and would it be okay if I cried? Would that be okay because suddenly I’m freaking out? I don’t want this responsibility; this doesn’t seem fair; why am I the one sitting here panicking, on the verge of spewing up my breakfast? 

Should I text Harry, tell him what I’m doing, and hit him with the same menacing reality? Would he hate me? Would this be my fault for not speaking up sooner? Because I think this would ruin everything, and he is so good. I don’t want to let him go yet. Was this the moment I called my sister and told her she was right? That I should have waited to have sex because she was, in fact, right—it’s just as confusing as she tried to drill into my stubborn head before. 

Marlowe Asher, the nurse, calls, breaking me from my prisoning thoughts; I drag my palms down my jeans, force a smile, and stand, trying to keep my tears at bay. 

The nurse returns the smile, greeting me as I walk through the office door. “Hey there, I’m Hilary. I’ll be your nurse today,” she says, her friendly tone somewhat setting me at ease.

“Okay, we’re just going to get your weight,” she says, leading me to a scale, and I pull my purse over my head, planting my keys and purse in a chair close by.

“It looks like we have 115,” she says out loud, making my heart slam into my chest. The last time I weighed myself, I was 130lbs. I didn’t think I had lost that much weight—I wasn’t even trying this time.

“Wow,” I breathe, stepping off the scale.

Hilary is writing on her clipboard, unbothered by my shock, “And how tall are you she asks, glancing up at me, “5’4,” I tell her, collecting my things and following her to the exam room.

When I called ahead, I told them that I wanted to schedule a routine check-up and screen for any STDs. Before we even started, she handed me a plastic container with a lid. “So this is routine; we’ll need you to pee into this cup. We normally run a quick pregnancy test before we proceed with any forms of birth control if that’s what you end up choosing.”

I take the cup from her hand, familiar with their whole spiel because I’ve been here several times, and this always seemed like the easy part. Luckily, I had to pee, so I filled the cup, washed the outside of the container, then my hands, dried it off, and placed the cup in the assigned bin.

Hilary led me to exam room 8, and as soon as we stepped in, she had me sit for a few follow-up questions:

“So this is a list of questions we like to ask, you know, just to get a background on our patients. If at any time you feel uncomfortable and would not like to proceed with any further questions, please let me know, okay.” She says, 

Easy enough, right?

“Okay, so we’ll start with the first question and move down the list, and it’s okay if you are unsure of any answer. They don’t need to be spot-on or super detailed. We just need a general idea.” She nods at me, eyes surveying my face, then looks down at her clipboard, the tip of her pen skimming down the page:

“When was your last period?

The first question seems the hardest because I know as soon as I say it, it’s going to sound bad, “I would say about a month and a half ago,” and Hilary peeks up then.

“Is that normal?” 

“I’m not sure. It’s been kind of random lately.”

“About how long do they last?”

“I think the last one I had lasted almost a month. I just stopped taking my birth control.”

Do you ever bleed/spot between periods?

“Not lately.”

Do you have any unusual pain, itching, or discharge from your vagina or vulva?

“No.”

Do you have any other medical conditions?

“No.”

What medical problems do other members of your family have?

“None that I know of…”

Are you sexually active?

“Yes, recently,” I answer, my mouth going dry, and I swallow hard.

Have you ever had vaginal, anal, or oral sex?

“Yes, all three, but I’ve only done anal once.” and my heart is starting to race. I’m not sure if I needed to clarify that detail because now my face is beginning to burn.

What gender(s) of people do you have sex with, and what kinds of sex do you have?

“Umm…just males,” I tell her, then clear my throat, “And I think it’s just like normal sex…I’m not sure how to answer that.”

Is sex ever painful?

“With the current guy that I’m having sex with…it was more painful than before…I guess at first, but maybe that’s because it had been a while.” And Hilary must sense my nervousness because she looks up then.

“I think that can be normal, Hon. You’re doing great. Just a few more questions, and I’ll set everything up and let the doctor know you’re ready…Okay, so—” she starts again as I nod my head. 

Do you bleed during or after sex?

“The first time I had sex, which I know can be normal, and the first time I had sex with my current guy…like after, I noticed it when I peed, but it didn’t last long.”

Are you using birth control?

“No.”

Do you think you might be pregnant?

“No, the last time I had unprotected sex with this current guy. I took Plan B, like that next morning. So maybe that’s why I haven’t started my period. Maybe it threw everything off..”

Do you want to get pregnant?

“Definitely not,” I tell her, a nervous laugh slipping past my lips.

“Perfect, and okay…last one,” Hilary says with a smile on her face:

What do you do to prevent STDs?

And I shake my head, pressing my feet to the ground. “I haven’t done anything with this current guys to prevent anything…”

Hilary is silent, jotting her last few notes, and my eyes shift to the ground, embarrassed that I’ve put so much faith in Harry, but if he does have an STD. Hopefully, it’s treatable, and moving forward, I will not be such an idiot. That’s what this is—One big scare to put me on the straight and narrow. I’ll get tested and get back on birth control, and all of this will be behind me, and I can move forward with my life. Happy and free of any burden. 

Hilary rushes around the room, laying a dressing gown on the exam table. Then, she finishes setting up the exam cart with the various items she collected for the exam. “Alright, so I put the gown on the table. You’ll just need to undress from the waist down. The doctor will knock before entering; you should be set from there. Do you have any questions?” she asks, reaching for the door handle. 

“No, you were very informative. Thank you for your time,” I answer, trying to sit up straight, like I’m not scared out of my fucking mind, hoping I’m not walking around with some kind of STD.

As Hilary exits, I peek at the clock on the wall. It’s 10:45 a.m., and I stand, unbuttoning my pants to prepare for the exam. 

When 15 minutes pass, I don’t think too much of it. I saw that waiting room. There were a lot of patients waiting, and sometimes they were understaffed. 

By 11:15 a.m., I lay back on the table, closing my eyes, trying to calm myself. I thought of everyone at school and how I should have just gone and put this off for another day. I was already dying to see Harry; just a glimpse would have been enough. 

I pictured his eyes searching for me when he didn’t see me after my Biology Class, the one time a day that I got close enough to reach out and touch him when I could graze his arm, and no one would have a single thought. I couldn’t believe how amazing that weekend was. Aside from the emotional stuff, we seemed to hit it off, able to co-exist in one another company for days. 

My first thought this morning was how strange it was, hanging with a guy, the most sleepovers I’ve had in a row. I had never stayed more than a night with Trent. I felt like a grown-up, wondering if this was what life would be like in college—and then a knock sounded on the door. 

“Come in,” I say, sitting up. The doctor comes in, reading her chart, then glimpses up with a pleasant smile. She seems in good spirits, even though they’re obviously slammed because when my eyes flick to the clock, it’s 11:32 a.m.

“Hello, Miss. Asher, I’m Dr. Cooper. How are you this morning?” she starts.

“I’m not bad. I just thought I would have a little check-up. Make sure everything is sound. I leave this summer for school, so I might as well tie up some loose ends.” 

She smiles, “Well, I like that you are taking the initiative with something as important as your health—”

Another knock sounds on the door, and Dr. Cooper turns to grant their entrance; Hilary peeks her head in with a smile and then says, “I did get those results—” She conveys. 

“I’m sorry,” Dr. Cooper says, turning back to me. The lab was a little backed up this morning.” Then she stands to retrieve some paperwork while Hilary stands by reading over her shoulder.

Hilary doesn’t close the door behind her, so all the noise from the hallway is drifting in, a cold draft drifting over my bare legs hanging over the exam table, making me feel exposed, with only a thin paper gown covering my lower body.

The draft sends a chill up my spine, making my teeth clatter, and I clench my jaw and watch the two women. This time, Hilary reaches over Dr. Cooper’s shoulder, pointing to something on the page. 

Hilary’s eyes dart to me, then back to the page, “I can stay—” she suggests, finally stepping back to close the door.

As soon as the door closes, my heart starts hammering in my chest, the loud thud, pounding in my eardrums, the chill turning into a noticeable shake as I wipe my cold, clammy hands over the paper gown, that continues to slip down, clinging to my hands, so I clutch them in front of me as Dr. Cooper pulls the rolling stool towards her, and takes a seat.

Hilary is standing behind her, hands clasped in front of her, sending me a faint smile when my eyes flit to her and then back to Dr. Cooper, and god, it is so cold in here because I can’t stop shaking—the shudder coursing through my torse, and I think I might be sick, I think that stomach bug is still lingering. I should open my mouth and tell them about it, but the way they’re looking at me now says otherwise.

Dr. Cooper clears her throat, and already my eyes are stinging with tears; then I shake my head, swallowing hard, and as soon as the tears spill over, she looks to Hilary. They don’t even exchange a word, and out of instinct, Hilary moves next to me. 

“Is it okay if I put my arm around you?” she asks, and as soon as I look at her, my face crumbles. I am sitting here alone with two strangers who I know are about to tell me something that will change my life forever.

The wheels of Dr. Cooper’s chair sound as she rolls forward, the hard plastic effortlessly sliding across the shiny linoleum floor, concern etched between her brow, or is it pity? I can’t tell.

“Miss Asher, Before we can proceed any further, I want to go over the results of your pregnancy test—” And I hear every word that she’s saying, but every couple of seconds, she becomes a blur, tears running down my face uncontrollably, dripping past my chin, and into the cleavage of my tank top, becoming an irritating soggy mess of tears pulling between my boobs.

The same tank top I questioned wearing because when did my boobs get this big? And so sore? How I wrote it off, thinking I was about to start my period, you know, like that’s why I’ve been so emotional, pre-menstrual precursors; It’s all normal. 

“So, I’m sure Hilary explained that we have to perform a routine pregnancy test, and looking at your results now—” And she scooches to the edge of her seat, handing me a piece of paper.”

My eyes skim the page until I find the word “results.” But I didn’t need the paper to figure it out; all she had to do was look at me. I didn’t say anything, mostly because I was in shock, but I didn’t think I knew what to say because I couldn’t even see the paper anymore. All I could see were the tears spilling onto the page, one by one, a foggy blur when a tear splats over the word “Positive,” and I shake my head. 

Maybe I’m taking too long to reply because Dr. Cooper speaks up then, “Marlowe—” and she uses my first name now. “Do you understand what you’re reading?” And all I can muster is a faint whimper because my throat is aching, a knot so tight that it hurts to swallow.

I couldn’t look up; I just kept wiping my hand over the surface of the document, now creasing between my thighs—the once crisp paper rippling in small wet blotches across the page, and I am so fucking stupid.

I am so stupid and careless, and how could I be such an idiot? All I can think about is that damn Plan B pill, I took it, I took it, and then it’s spilling out of my mouth, “But I took Plan B,” announcing it like it’s going to change anything like the results aren’t exactly what they are. 

“I took—I took it…right after, I swear,” promising because I feel like a fool, like a child being coddled with Hilary’s arm around my shoulders; I thought that was the right thing to do. 

“I thought I did the right thing—” I tell them, “I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I thought I fixed my mistake—”

And now I feel crazy because what was the point of that, “I’m not allowed to make mistakes—Oh, god—” I panic then.

“Are you going to tell my parents—?” 

Dr. Cooper puts a hand on my knee to calm me down, but I can’t breathe; I can’t breathe when every breath is a sob stealing my breath, and I am all alone—I’m that girl in the waiting room, all alone, her big round belly holding her future.

“Marlowe, try and take a breath for me—” Dr. Cooper coos, trying to console me, “Everything will be okay…you have options, Honey.”

And I suck in a hard breath, peering down into Dr. Cooper’s deep blue eyes as sobs shudder through my chest, then I’m holding my breath, trying to calm myself down, and when I close my eyes, all I see is Harry’s face, and I hold onto that image—every touch, the kindness he gives so freely, and it seems to be working.

I draw a small breath through my nose, my chest quivering in the aftermath of the fading sobs, “By law, we are not allowed to tell your parents. Now that you’re eighteen, whatever you decide moving forward is entirely your choice.” Dr. Cooper explains.

“I want an abortion—” I tell her, no thought, just decision because that is absolutely my only choice. 

“Yes, that is an option, but maybe we can go over the rest so that you have a clear perspective on your decision.” She explains, but I know the other options and don’t have time for anything else. We have three months left of school, prom, and graduation—I’m moving away this summer. I can’t stay in the place another year, being this person, this fucking people pleaser, because I’m so fucking tired—I’m exhausted, and I need something to hold onto, something to look forward to. 

“I don’t need time to think—” I tell her, straightening my posture, attempting to clear the whine from my voice, “Can we do it today?” I push.

Hilary squeezes my shoulder, then steps away to start resetting the space. “Marlowe, why don’t you take a few days to think this through? This is a huge decision that could majorly impact your life.” 

“I don’t have any other choice…everything is already planned—” I tell her, waving my arms around, “Like my whole future for the next four years—”

Dr. Cooper interjects, “Trust me, I understand that, and we will support anything you choose. But why don’t you go home, take a day or two, and make the appointment if you still feel certain about your decision?”

“Here’s the thing—” she says, “If your period was a month and a half months ago, we still have plenty of time to make an adequate decision. Even if it feels like a rush, trust me, there’s not, okay? Whatever you choose, right now, you have plenty of time to make a sound, healthy choice. Listen—I’m a mother. If my daughter were sitting here today, I would hope someone gave her the option I’m giving you—”

She places her hand on my knee again, “I know whatever you're feeling is extremely scary—” And the tears are back, blurring her face. “But don’t make the mistake of not thinking it through. It sounds like you made the smart decision to take Plan B, and for some odd reason, it didn’t work, and I’m sure that feels scary, too, but in that moment, you made the right decision. Today, you made the right decision to come and take power over your choices in life. That was so brave and so smart, okay?”

And all I can do is nod because I just want my mommy, “And Marlowe, we have a great support team. We are here for whatever you need or have questions about, and Hilary will set you up with some helpful brochures that can guide you in making the best choice possible; it’s entirely up to you and whatever you choose. This is a safe, judgment-free zone. We’re here to support each other in one another choices—” 

Hilary gives me a sympathetic smile, but I believe what Dr. Cooper is communicating, so I nod and draw in a deep breath, stretching my spine so that I can take in more air, “Do you have any questions?” she asked as Hilary handed over a few brochures.

“Nope…” I say, pushing out a deep breath, “Thank you for your time.” 

Dr. Cooper pats my knee and stands, giving Hilary a slight nod. “Alrighty, Hon. Why don’t you go ahead and get dressed? If you have any questions before you leave, we’re happy to answer them. Go ahead and take your time; there’s no rush, Sweetie.”

As Hilary finishes resetting the room, I wonder if she’s ever been on the opposite side of her role, sitting in a spot similar to mine. Or was she smarter, always playing by the rules like I was supposed to?? I thought I did everything right before this, so why is this happening to me?

I didn’t take my time getting dressed; I shoved my legs through my jeans in a furry, pushing the stupid pamphlets to the bottom of my purse, forcing my foot into my boots, readying myself for the walk of shame, knowing I’d have to walk past all these people. Would my face give it away? I was so thankful I didn’t wear make up this morning, could you imagine the mess? 

As I stepped through the exam room door, I pulled my oversized flannel around my body. I walked at a pace that wouldn’t draw attention, trying to remember the route we took. I held my breath every time someone peered my way as heat rose to my cheeks, the shame almost unbearable. Was Hilary the kind of nurse to walk out of the exam room and gossip to the fellow nursing staff?

Keep your eyes forward was all I could think, walking down an empty hall, pushing my way through the door into the waiting room, don’t make eye contact with anyone—don’t focus on the baby crying, try and avoid the toddler running out in front of you on your way to the exit, oh shit, did this little fucking kid drop his toy in my path? Do I pick it up? 

The toy rolls to my feet, and I bend down to retrieve it, “Here you go…” and I crouch down, reaching out with the toy. His tiny fingers wrap around the toy hesitantly, his big green eyes so innocent. He grabs the toy and then runs back to his mom as my eyes follow. She sends me a gracious nod, rubbing a hand over her protruding belly. She looks tired, like she’s already spent all morning chasing that tiny kid around, and I smile, eyes dropping to her belly, a brief nod of recognition. 

Then I’m out of the waiting room doors into the chill of the morning, the fog of my breath drifting past my vision, forcing myself with every step to keep it together long enough to make it to the car.

I went straight home, knowing my parents would be at work—well, at least my dad. My mom has a strict workout schedule throughout the week. Today was water aerobics, a class that she usually takes with my grandma, but I knew she wouldn’t miss a day, even if my grandma was out of town.

I run up the stairs, huffing and puffing as soon as I reach the landing, and bound to my room. I went straight for the trash can and fell to my knees, reaching for it, but the trash can was empty, and I fell to my butt. My heart beat thudding in my chest, a rapid whoosh filling my ears, vibrating out. My lungs ached with every breath that I took in, the realization hitting that my mom emptied my trash and yet another stupid move.

My eyes dart around the room, looking for any changes, then they land on my perfectly made bed, and there lies the empty Plan B packaging, waiting in a neat pile—waiting for me to stumble upon it because, of course, this is the one time my mom wants to be passive. Why didn’t she just call me? The gesture confuses me, but it’s the least of my concerns right now. 

I pace over to the bed and swipe the empty box off the bed, flipping it around in my hands until I fumble across the date—Expired—the fucking pill was expired by two years. Had I really had it in my drawer that long? Does medicine really expire? I thought it was just a suggestion.

How many times can one person read and reread the same label? with the same expiration date—ignoring my phone buzzing in my back pocket because whoever is calling can wait? 

Whoever it was had tried to call three times, and on the fourth attempt, I pulled my phone from my pocket and flipped it open. “What, Sienna?” I blurted into the phone.

“Jesus, Marlowe—Chill—” My sister snaps back, “What’s your deal?”

I exhale, pulling the phone away from my mouth, attempting to decompress the onset of rage filling my lungs. “Nothing, I’m sorry. I was in the middle of doing something, and you kept blowing my phone up.”

“I’m sorry—mom said you didn’t go to school today…”

“You talked to mom—?”

“Yeah, why? What’s going on? She said you’ve been distant lately—”

“I haven’t been distant—” I tell her, raising my voice, “I’ve just been house-sitting for grandma—”

“Marlowe—chill, dude, I’m not coming for you. I’m just checking in. I know I’ve been busy, but usually you call. Is everything okay?”

I roll my eyes, still on the defense, “I’ve been busy, too—” and I try and keep my voice calm, but I can hear how it’s still coming out, and I can’t control this mood swing; it’s like it’s taking over me.

“Okay…?” Sienna says, and I don’t respond because she’s the one calling me. If she has anything to ask, then she should just ask it.

“Lowe—” She nudges, of course using my nickname, the name she gave me since birth, when “Marlowe” was too hard for her three-year-old brain, and decided she hated it, and even though that’s changed, she’s never stopped calling me “Lowe.”

“Did mom tell you?” I ask flatly, clearing my throat.

“Of course, she told me, but why didn’t you tell me?” Even though I should probably have felt freaked out, a sense of calm washed over me because, at this point, the worst had already happened.

“She left the Plan B package on my bed…” I tell her, rolling my eyes.

She clicks her tongue, “Dammit, I told her not to do that. She thought it would be like an open invitation…in case you wanted to talk.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about—plus that shit is passive as fuck. It makes me want to do the opposite, actually—”

Sienna’s laugh muffled into the phone, “I know! That’s what I told her…”

“She should have listened to you,” I admit.

“I mean—that’s what I’ve been telling you guys for years—”

“Shut up—Sienna, don’t be annoying…” And I roll my eyes again, falling back onto the bed.

“That isn’t all she told me…” 

“Okay…” I say, pausing for her response.

She clears her throat, “That there was a weekend that you didn’t come home, like didn’t even call—which is strange, by the way…and she told me that you came home in a hurry—Mom said she heard you while cleaning the kitchen—anyway…she said you came home in Harry Styles hoodie…like the one you had that major crush on in Junior High—”

“I know who he is, Sienna—”

“I’m just clarifying for details because you haven’t breathed a word about him since then.”

I sigh, “I don’t tell you everything—”

“Bullshit—you haven’t even said anything, and I know you’re about to lie to me.” She starts.

“Was that the same weekend you took Plan B? Because that’s what mom thinks, and that seems pliable?”

I snap then, “What are you guys working together or something? What the fuck, Sienna, whose side are you on?”

“I’m on your side—but it’s hard to be on your side when you’re not talking to me.” She retorts, then goes silent.

“You guys always—”

“Don’t say always, Lowe, because you know that isn’t true.” she interrupts.

So, I sit there, trying to think of a way to rephrase the sentence, “I just feel like, most times…instead of just asking me…it seems like you go straight to each other, and I told you how that makes me feel.”

“I promise it wasn’t like that. I swear Mom only called because she was worried…we were not trying to gang up on you.”

I ponder her words for a moment, trying to decide what I should tell her, but instead of confessing to everything. I start projecting all my life problems onto her.

“Listen, Sienna, I’m sorry if Mom bothered you. I know how busy you get, okay? I know that you have a life outside of me; you’ve told me plenty of times—” I spit.

“Marlowe—”

“No—Seriously—I feel like it’s always going to come down to whether or not Marlowe is living up to Sienna’s potential…because heaven forbid, I step out of line for one fucking second—”

“Mar—”

“Seriously, Sienna—” I continue knowing that every word that falls from of my mouth is just to hurt her, and I don’t know why I’m doing it because, really, I just want to confess to it all; because I know she wouldn’t judge me, she would have the perfect advice because she’s such a good person.

“Did mom get scared? Call you thinking—god Marlowes about to ruin it all, Sweetie, please make some time in your busy schedule to call your pathetic sister??”

“Was that it? Sienna, was I slipping? Was one of my million flaws showing because I’ll never be as perfect as you!” I yell, I fucking yell, and then everything around me goes silent, except for the sounds of the whooshing still pulsing through my ears.

Sienna’s sniffle fills the line, and I hate myself the second she opens her mouth, “Marlowe, one day—” She croaks out.

“I hope one day you see that all those years you thought I was outshining you—I was just trying to give you space to be you—you know, the opportunity to just be yourself, that all those years that mom and dad were riding my ass, you were the one that got to explore yourself, make the friends, go to the concerts, date the cute boy because you liked him. My whole life has been a show, Marlowe. Have you ever thought that maybe I wanted to be like you?

“I’m nothing—” I force, tears streaming.

“You’re everything—but what you just said hurt me, Lowe…”

“I didn’t mean it…” I cry out.

“I know—listen—I’m here for you always. I’m never too busy for you…I don’t know what’s going on, and clearly you don’t want to talk about it—”

“I just—” I try.

“No—Marlowe, it’s fine. I’m here, okay? And if you need me to come down this weekend, I can shift some things around. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sienna, I’m sorry.”

“Just call me, okay? I have to go—” Then she hangs up, and I crawl under my blankets and sleep until I open my eyes and the room is dark, except for the glow of the moonlight, casting a shadow of the window frame across my bedroom floor, and then I roll back over, and closed my eyes. 

The following day, I woke to an empty house and a note on the table. My mom telling me she was out running errands, which normally meant getting her hair or nails done. 

When I checked my phone, I found two missed calls from Harry and a text message from him checking in on me since I had missed two days of school now—Want to take a guess at how many messages Trent sent—zero.

I gathered some more clothes and drove to my grandma’s house, wanting to be totally alone and isolated from the world around me. I didn’t know how many hours I had just slept, but all my body wanted to do was sleep, so I crawled into my grandma’s bed and hugged her pillow—her scent still lingering in her bedroom, and I drifted off to sleep. 

The doorbell woke me, and I slumped down the stairs. When I peeked through the side blinds, Skylar was standing on the porch waving when she spotted me, and I opened the door.

“Hey—what are you doing here…” I ask squinting my eyes, the world a little too bright.

She shrugged nonchalantly, as if this was already boring her. I hate this side of her. Sometimes she can be extremely present, and others, she’s a self-absorbed drone, moving through the motions of our friendship, a lot like Trent.

“Just checking on you,” she says, looking around, “I forgot how cool your grandma’s house is…”

“Yeah—” I breathe.

When I push past her on my way to the kitchen, she follows. “I brought your homework…” she tells me, and I glance back, catching sight of the strap slung over her shoulder.

“That was nice of you…Thanks,” I say, forcing a generous smile, placating her a little. I feel like Skylar’s up to something, a weird twinge in my gut. Things have been off between us lately, so this feels a little off-putting.

 “You want a soda?” I offer. 

Skylar shakes her head ‘no’ then slings the bag onto the counter, “I’m shocked they’re still giving homework to be honest,” 

“I mean—when you’re in all honor classes…it would make sense,” she combats with a laugh.

“I guess…” I agree, bringing the can to my mouth, eyeing her every movement. She seems nervous, barely making eye contact, and when she feels my gaze on her, she looks up.

“Why are you being weird?” she accuses.

I match her indifference, “I’m not—” 

“Mmmm…” she hums, reaching for my can. Then she takes a drink. Actually, I changed my mind…” she laughs.

“I do want a drink.” 

I raise a brow, “Take it, I’ll get another…” I say, rolling my eyes, and as I turn to the fridge, she says:

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong? You’ve been acting really strange for the last couple of weeks…and you ditched my party—”

“I didn’t ditch your party—I was sick—” I lie.

“Marlowe, you were fine most of the night—”

“And then I wasn’t—” I voice, my tone sharp.

This shuts her down, her eyes moving to the label on the can, “And what about all the text and calls? You haven’t been messaging me back…it’s just weird—”

“I told you I was sick over the weekend…”

Her voice raises, “It’s not just this weekend, Marlowe—”

“Look, Skylar…I don’t know what you want me to say…I could say the same for you…” And she shakes her head.

“That night of the party. I tried talking to you so many times, but you kept blowing me off, and then you and Trent were up each other’s ass…”

And her eyes whip to mine, “Oh come on, Marlowe like I want to steal your boyfriend. If I wanted your boyfriend, then I could have had him—”

“I never said that…and what the fuck does that even mean?” My eyes roam her face then, taking in her stiff posture, searching for clues. My eyes dart to her throat as it contracts, a slow, shallow, her lips parting, and when I shift my gaze back to hers, she looks away.

“I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I know that you two are friends. I’m just saying I have tried talking to you…”

She shrugs her shoulders, visibly uncomfortable by this conversation. She keeps fidging with the can, scraping a fingernail over the cuticle of her thumb. I know her, and this is what she does when she’s nervous, “Okay—whatever—let’s just drop it—”

I pop the tab on the new can and bring it to my mouth, pulling my phone from my back pocket. Harry messaged again, asking if he could see me tonight, and I bit back my smile, sending him a quick text, telling him I’ll call once Skylar leaves. 

When I glance back, Skylar is watching me, “Trent text you?” she questions. 

“Yeah—” I mumble, shoving the phone back into my pocket.

“So things are good between you two?” She asks.

I shrug, “Yeah—I don’t know why anything would be wrong…” I tell her, fainting ignorance. Then she turns, looking out the window, and I glimpse a hickey on her neck. when she turns back, my eyes move back to her face as her hand comes up to her neck.

“You never told me you were hooking up with someone…” I pry.

She smiles then, “I don’t know…It’s nothing serious…just like casual. He’s kind of preoccupied…” and I arch an eyebrow.

“Plus—He doesn’t go here—” she quickly adds.

“So he has a girlfriend?” I push.

Skylar rolls her eyes, “Not everything is so black and white, Marlowe.”

I just stare at her because she has a point, I’m in a messy enough situation; I have no room to cast judgement.

“Anything good happening at school?” I ask, trying to find some commonality because this conversation feels like pulling at teeth.

She lights up then, “Oh—! Yeah—dude—yesterday, Harry Styles came to school with the biggest hickey on his neck….and now everyone is trying to figure out who the mystery girl is…like no girl is coming forward—”

“Hickey’s must be a trend…” I say, scowling, thinking about the hickey on Trent’s neck, the one he claims is a “rash” I call bullshit.

“I guess…” she says, checking her phone and smiling.

“Harry’s probably seeing some girl from another school…” I tell her, but she’s typing away on her phone, not acknowledging a word I’m saying.

“What did you say?” she finally asks.

“Nothing—”

“Hey, I have to jet. I was just dropping by to give you your homework,” she explains, grabbing the empty bag and leaving her can on the counter in her wake. She must be in a hurry and she’s out the door before I can even open it for her, and I watch her get into her car, peer down at her phone grinning, then I shut the door and call Harry.

I know this is how I got myself into this mess, but as soon as Harry walked in, my worries went out the door, if only for a short while, long enough for me to grab his hand and lead him to the guestroom, and that’s how easy it was to forget everything.

How easy it was to take off my clothes and get into bed with him, to feed on his carefree energy as his playful hands groped my body. When he pushed his way inside of me and whispered, “I missed you,” I closed my eyes, breathing in his familiar scent, while he pressed his mouth to mine, kissing my cheek, my nose—a kiss on the neck, kissing everywhere his mouth decided to roam. 

And when I came, he came with me, that easy because now it didn’t matter, now he could come inside me every day until I rid myself of this leech sucking away at my life; because this would all be over soon enough. Everyone will go their separate ways, and I’ll never have to see any of these people again. 

I didn’t have to tell Harry anything because why burden him with this? He deserves to be happy; he deserves to be as happy as he makes me, and I can do this. I don’t need to burden anyone with this, not Harry, not my sister, definitely not my mom because I don’t think she could handle this. A pregnancy would be too much for her.

“What are you thinking about?” Harry asks, stroking my cheek with his thumb, my head on his chest.

“I don’t know—everything…” I answer.

He laughs, “Everything?” and the rasp of his voice echoes through his chest, and I press my ear against him, listening to the rhythm of his slowing breath. 

“Yeah—everything—” I tell him, closing my eyes because the sound of his heartbeat is lulling me to sleep, and he lightly pinches my cheek.

“Don’t go to sleep yet…I haven’t got to see you in two days…”

I laugh then, “Two days, Harry?”

“Yeah, two school days,” he clarifies, and his chest rattles with laughter, and I lift my head.

“My mom told me to go to the doctor—” And I sit up, crossing my legs in front of me, still facing him.

Harry traces a line across my calf, “And how was that?”

“I don’t know—” I shrug, “Exactly what it is. A stomach bug.”

He looks at me then, “Luckily, it hasn’t hit me…”

“You are very lucky—trust me…” I tell him, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. 

“Hey—” he says, pushing himself up on the bed, “Can we talk? I just thought we haven’t really talked about anything—”

And my heart drops then, “Like what?” I ask, clearing my throat.

“Like—I don’t know—” and he scratches at the back of his head, a nervous grin spreading across his face.

“I don’t—I’ve been like thinking about it, and I just wanted you to know that you’re like…the only girl I’ve ever, like, not used a condom with.”

My eyes dart to his, “Really?” 

“Yeah…I promise, and maybe it’s shitty, but I figured Trent was the only guy you’ve slept with?” he says, but it rings like a question.

I smile then, “Well, Trent, and now you…” 

“And you’re like on Birth Control?” he asks, nerves creasing at the brow, but all I can do is stare at him.

“Marlowe?”

“Harry—I lied to you—” I blurt.

“When? I’ve never asked you…” he straightens in the bed, all ears now. 

“Today—just now—I lied?” 

He laughs, “About which part? Who you’ve slept with? Marlowe, I don’t care—”

“No—about the doctor’s appointment—” Then his face falls.

The lines between his brow deepen, “What about it?” 

“I really went to Planned Parenthood…”

“You did? by yourself?” He asks, reaching over to grip my leg. I draw a deep breath through my nose, trying to get it all off my chest before the tears start coming because my throat is already growing tight, and the worry growing on his face is scaring me.

“I think I need to start from the beginning, and if you hate me after all of this, I’ll understand—I just…”

“It’s okay…take your time…” he says, leaning down to look into my eyes, and I nod my head.

“Before we had sex—I guess you should know that I stopped having sex with Trent, and since I wasn’t having sex with Trent anymore, I stopped taking my birth control…” 

Harry nods, swallowing hard, but lets me continue, “I just want to be clear that the first time we hooked up, that was not my intention—” 

“I know—” He tells me, and he squeezes my leg to resume.

“That day when you dropped me off at home. I ran straight to my room and took the Plan B pill that I stashed away for emergencies because that was definitely an emergency…

And Harry nods his head up and down, the muscles along his jaw tightening, “I took the pill; everything was cool. I didn’t think anything, then I saw you at the party—”

“Marlowe—I know that part—” he says, impatience tugging at his tone. 

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—” I tell, him taking his change in demeanor like a scolding, feeling the emotions simmering at the surface.

“No—Lowe—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude,” He apologizes, cupping my cheek.

“Why did you call me Lowe?” 

He shrugs, a shy smile playing at the corner of his mouth, “I don’t know…it’s how I saved your contact in my phone…I just thought it was cute.”

I smile, “Only sister calls me that…”

“Do you want me to change it?” He asks lowly, his voice like a warm hug.

“No…” I whimper out because I was such a bitch to my sister earlier, and all of this is a fucking mess, and he is so kind and sweet, and now our time is over, and I’ll never have this with him again.

“Hey…don’t cry okay…I’m not mad, I’m just nervous—because I think I know what your about to tell me.” I bit down on my lower lip and nodded my head.

“Are you pregnant?” And I nod my head again as the tears cascade.

Harry blows out a shaky breath, tears filling his eyes. “I bet that was scary, huh?” he says, forcing himself to blink away the tears.

“Yeah—” I whisper. 

“I’m sorry that you had to do that alone…” And everything he says is so genuine, and it hurts even more to watch him try to keep it together for me. 

“Listen, I need to take a little walk—” he says, rubbing his palms over his eyes. I just need to clear my head…I promise I’ll be back. I just need a little air.” He tells me, pressing a long kiss to my forehead. Then he stretches past me, dragging the sheets with him. 

I don’t turn around. Shame is roaring its ugly head, and I don’t think I could look at him. I don’t want to see the pity, the look in his eyes, when he no longer sees me the same or feels the same feelings as before—See the look on his face when reality sets in, and everything changes—where we change from who we are in very this moment because it’s inevitable. 

“Lowe?” he calls from the doorway, but I don’t turn to face him.

“I’ll be back okay—?” and I nod my head, listening as he lingers in the doorway. Then the door clicks shut as darkness engulfs me, and I press my head into the pillow and close my eyes because as soon as I open my eyes again, everything will change.

A/N: Okay...so that's happened...now what?

All Chapters-> Here

Requests-> Here

[bugs1nmybrain]

Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons

I'm writing it. Because I CAN

Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.

and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.

Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?

Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."

The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.

Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.

It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.

He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).

(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.

He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.

You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.

Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.

He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.

Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.

When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"

They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).

Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.

And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.

He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.

Then comes the doom of depression

For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.

He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture

He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.

Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED

Anhedonia is a bitch

His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).

It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.

He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.

Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.

His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.

Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.

:(

I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.

[zorosjuicymelonsx]

Finding You

A/N: Welcome to Chapter 7 ya'll!

I was torn between two gifs to use for this chapter (its getting harder to pick) but like can we please take a moment to admire Zoro in this gif? I just imagine he doing this when Y/N catches him staring and he's like 'oh shit act casual' 🤭💚 I loved writing this chapter so much, I really got in my feels and hope you guys enjoy reading it. I'll be back in two weeks with the next chapter. I need some extra time to catch up with planning and writing the next chapters 🥺✨

Chapter Seven Previous Next

Hours had passed since Zoro sent himself to train in the Crows Nest. His body cocooned with sweat and his arms began to numb as he swung his heavyweight barbell over his head for the thousandth time. He knew it was overkill but he didn’t know what to do with himself. In his head; you were just you with no mental attachments but he couldn’t understand the yearning ache he felt around you in his heart. He had remembered only one memory that he would never admit he replayed in his head often in the hopes other memories would spur to end the vicious war his mind and heart were playing with each other. 

Eventually Zoro forced himself to drop the heavyweight barbell. As the weight hit and he brought himself to sit, he grabbed the towel he had nearby to wipe off the excess sweat. Satisfied with the moisture to dried skin ratio, he closed his eye to clear his mind and zoned in on his breathing. 

“Focus.” He mumbled to himself in the hopes it would help. 

In the thick of the silence and his ongoing mental confusion, he did not anticipate that his mind would take him back to recapping the entire day he’d spent with you, flickering through the outfits you’d tried on and your smile on constant display throughout despite how sour it ended with the dirtbag at the bar. You had shone brightly in the dimness that was his mind. 

He opened up his eye to look down at his hands, bringing his attention to the hand that bruised your wrist. The guilt he felt then returned and twinged his heart.

“For fucks sake.” He spoke irritatedly, clenching his fists for a few seconds. He gave up on meditation as a whole and laid himself back on the floor in defeat letting his mind go into the mental tangent he’d fought so desperately not to have since leaving you on the deck. 

The words he spoke earlier were still bothering him. He had no clue where it had come from, having no recollection of prethinking the words before they came out. He couldn’t fathom what was going through your head after hearing him say the words. Remembering the surprised look on your face, he was appreciative that you tried to change the topic to keep him calm. 

‘I called her my wife.’ He thought over it. It was the first time he spoke the words and solidified it into existence. 

Is it possible that somewhere deep down inside he felt more for you than he could mentally wrap around his mind?

————————————- ⚔️✨ ————————————

Somewhere in the vast sea of the New World, a large dark ship hidden away sailed miles behind the Thousand Sunny undetected. The very capitain of the ship Enver who had invaded the Straw Hats sat in his captains quarters going over every plan he could think of to get closer to you and achieve his goal without compromising his plans or crew.

“We failed to capture her. I can’t seem to comprehend how we keep missing her at every chance.” Enver spat, his teeth gritted as he scrunched an old map he had in his hand out of anger. He hadn’t anticipated you would actually find the Pirate Hunter, the last few years he had spent tailing you and waiting for the right moment to make his move and reintroduce himself. 

“What do you want to do about Roronoa?” Enver’s first mate Jacob stood beside watching the demise on his captain's face. 

“I’ll admit that we underestimated just how strong the Straw Hats are. We need to lure her away from them to have a chance. Especially him. I don’t like how strong he’s become since the last time I met him.” Enver stood from his chair, moving away to glare out of the window in his quarters with his arms folded. 

“Would he regain any memory of her?” Jacob questioned. Enver sighed out frustrated at the small possibility but shook his head to disagree. 

“He has no memory of her whatsoever. I made sure to remove every trace of her from his mind during our fight in Shimotsuki.” Enver affirmed to himself. 

“It would’ve been easier to wipe hers completely rather than his.” Jacob mumbled out. This set off Enver. He turned and with a few quick strides grabbed Jacob by his shirt and slammed him against the wall nearest to them. 

“I’ve already explained this to you a hundred times: Roronoa was blocking my way when I had planned to wipe her memory after their wedding. I had to get rid of him to even stand a chance to get closer to her. Even then, she left to look for him.” Enver angrily spat out before releasing Jacob. He regained his composure knowing how easily riled up his captain can get. No matter how angry Enver became and took it out on him, Jacob owed Enver his life for saving him when he was poor and pathetic back home. He brought him back to life and purpose. He would do anything to ensure his captain's goals are met. 

“It won’t be easy but I can’t take much more of this. I need her.” Enver mumbled out, turning to look back through the window and live in his head of fantasies of everything he wanted to do to you.  ————————————- ⚔️✨ ————————————

The next week you could say was…weird. You noticed Zoro seemed a bit more observant with you. Whenever you were at the table in the galley with everyone for food or if you were training on deck, you could feel Zoro’s gaze on you. You’d be lying if you say you didn’t love the attention you were getting from him but at the same time you didn’t want to give yourself false hope that maybe he could feel the same way you do. You couldn’t explain the hug or the way he referred you as his wife in the bar. He had been sporadic in the past and when you did question him then he just gave a ‘felt like it’ reason. 

For that, you chose not to overthink it but you’d already spent an embarrassing amount of time questioning Zoro’s intentions despite drawing no conclusions from them. 

You were officially put on your first night watch. You’d arranged for pillows and blankets to be comfortably placed in the Crows Nest, courtesy of Sanji and Robin for helping you set it all up. Sanji had also made you an assortment of your favourite snacks with plenty of beverages to keep you full and satiated throughout the night. 

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay by yourself up here Y/N-chan?” Sanji asked with a hint of worry in his voice. 

“Of course Sanji, don’t worry.” You said assuringly as you patted his shoulder to comfort the cook. You would have considered it a sweet moment between the both of you but seeing Sanji lift up his blazer to sniff where you patted him definitely changed that for you. 

You waved bye to Robin and Sanji, settling into your warm furnishing whilst picking up a book you had ready to read. You were not used to the silence that settled in around you, finding comfort in having background noise but you were also appreciative of it from time to time. As you opened the book to begin reading the adventure book Robin had recommended to you, the sound of the hatch could be heard opening. On instinct, you frowned as you immediately dropped the book and reached for your sword only to see a head of green pop through. 

On realisation it was Zoro, you breathed a sigh of relief before you released your grip from the sword with a smile now etched on your face. Zoro had closed the hatch behind him, walking a few steps forward to stand in front of you whilst awkwardly observing your setup. 

“You look cosy.” Zoro mumbled.  

“Well well well, what brings you here Zoro? Surprised you found your way here.” You teased, smiling at him whilst he offered an eye roll. 

“The stupid cook kept whining about you being up here all alone and I couldn’t sleep so..” Zoro slurred the last few words out. Knowing the swordsman's sleeping habits made it hard to believe but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

Zoro won’t admit that he’s gotten used to sleeping next to you. He didn’t want to migrate back with the others, having gotten used to the sounds of your gentle breathing as opposed to the loud snores Luffy breathed out on a nightly basis. 

“Would you like to join me?” You offered as you lovingly patted the space next to you. Zoro looked at how comfortable you were under the blankets, nodding before untying his swords to place them next to yours and crawling to sit next to you. He sighed a breath of relief before digging in his sash and pulling out a bottle of sake. 

“Of course.” You mumbled out giggling before going to pick up your book and attempt to start reading it. 

A minute of silence passed and you’d expected to hear the sound of gulping but heard nothing. You looked up from the page to see Zoro staring at you intently, the unopened bottle still grasped firmly in his hand. 

“Does it bother you?” Zoro asked. 

“Does what bother me?” You asked, feeling confused by the nature of his question. 

“My drinking habits.” You let out a small ‘ah’ in understanding. You shook your head to disagree.

“Not at all, you’ve always been like this since the start. Wouldn’t change a thing. I’m sorry if I made you feel anyway.” You said with guilt laced in your voice. Zoro grunted before opening the bottle of sake and taking a few chugs from it. You returned to your book and you both sat in comfortable silence for some time. You managed to get through the first chapter of your book before bookmarking it and picking up your beverage to take a sip. With your thirst quenched, you put your drink back and turned to see Zoro’s eye closed and his breathing evened out. You knew he wasn’t sleeping and you decided to ask him the one question that's been nagging you since you arrived on the Sunny. 

“Can I ask what happened to your chest?” 

Zoro opened his eye to see you looking at him, your eyes beaming with curiosity. He forgot that you didn’t know what happened to him. 

“Challenged Mihawk.” He said in two simple words. Your eyes widened and you soon changed your seating position to now face him entirely, your smile widening. 

“You found him?!” You asked excitedly, taking your drink back in your hands to centre your excitement. 

“Y-yeah, how did you know? Did Robin tell you or?” He asked, confused. He hadn’t expected your reaction to be this animated. You laughed before taking another sip of your drink. 

“I mean we are married, duh of course I would know. You were always so excited to tell me how you would find him and challenge him to take his title. Plus, you promised Kuina afterall to be the world's greatest swordsman.” The mention of Kuina made Zoro’s eye widen with surprise. 

“Kuina?” 

You nodded before crossing your legs to sit more comfortably. 

“I was devastated when she passed away, everyone was. She was amazing and an example of how being a woman shouldn’t stop you from achieving your dreams. Heck, she’s even given me a lecture to grow a backbone.” You smiled, your voice was filled with both humour and sadness that she was taken away so early. 

You sighed, looking away from Zoro and down at your lap. You sighed before clearing your throat. 

“I wasn’t supposed to but after the funeral, I was walking through the dojo to get my bag when I heard your voice coming from the room you were in with Koshirou. Seeing you like that…I remember how sad it made me. You could tell you took it the hardest out of everyone and when I heard you say you wanted Kuina’s sword, I felt somewhat relieved it would be in good hands. I’m glad you’re treating Wado well. She would be proud of you.” You shyly confessed. You hadn’t told him this even before he lost his memory. 

Pain seared back into his head, Zoro closed his eye grunting as he captured his head with his palm leaning forward. He knew what this was and didn’t fight it. He welcomed the memory into his head despite the infuriating ache that came with it. 

‘The memory took place from a different perspective; he was himself as he was currently and stood somewhere as if he was in observation.

“Honey, what's that you’re holding behind you?” 

Hearing your voice, Zoro turned in the direction of where it was coming from to see you. 

You giggled as you approached Zoro who stood by a tree. He assumed it was the forest back home as he watched a younger version of himself walk to you with something wrapped behind his hands. He saw himself now stood in front of you and leaned to give you a quick peck before bringing the gift from behind him to offer it to you. 

He saw you beam while you perked an eyebrow before accepting his gift. You unwrapped it and saw a sword. He recognised the sword to be the same that you carry with you now. He saw you gasp and display the biggest grin on your face. 

“Please accept this. I wanted you to carry something from me to remind you that I’ll always be by your side.” He saw the smile bright on his face. He made a note that you both look younger, assuming this is a much older memory. 

“I love it, thank you.” You blushed before tiptoeing to kiss him. He felt himself blush seeing how he watched himself grab you to pull you in closer to deepen the kiss.’

…..

“Zoro???” 

He was shook out of the memory, the pain dulled down as he opened his eye to see the worry in your eyes. His eye wandered to the sword that you had propped next to you. It was in pristine condition and felt his heart swell with pride. He wasn’t ready to leave the memory, he wanted to see more. 

“Are you okay? What was that?” You questioned him, panic laced in your voice. 

“n-Nothing, I think it's for the sake. I drank it a bit too quickly.” He mumbled out. You felt some relief hearing this despite the fact you’d spent the last minute trying to call out for him. You only realised then it wasn’t the first time he’d shown this kind of pain and made you question whether you should disclose this to Chopper or not. 

“I hope you’re not mad about me listening to the conversation you had about Kuina’s sword. I’m sorry, I know it's not easy to talk about. I just held onto that for years and felt now was the right time to talk about it.” You rambled guiltily as you fidgeted with your drink in your hand. 

Being brought back to reality, Zoro hadn’t expected anyone to know about his breakdown with Koshirou. Being a child and losing someone who you looked up to would affect anyone. He didn’t know what to say or do other than grunt in acknowledgement, turning to look at Wado. The sword will always keep him grounded, reminding him of his shared dream with her. 

“It's fine, we were kids. You didn’t know better.” You looked at him before nodding to yourself. You then saw the sake bottle was still in his hand and you reached over to take it away from him. 

“Maybe lay off this for a bit.” You said before laughing and tucking the bottle behind you. For once, Zoro didn’t argue and willingly accepted letting you take it. 

Silence filled the room again as you leaned back and returned to your book. Unknowing to you, Zoro used the silence to process the memory as he looked across the room. He never remembered ever seeming so…happy. The way he smiled at you in the memory, there was so much life in it. The way you looked at him with so much care and content. Seeing the both of you together somehow began to make more sense to him. He recalled over the last few weeks how easy it was for him to just converse or sit in comfort with you. Your kindness, your will, your selflessness. It didn’t go unnoticed by him. 

Zoro turned to look at you to observe you, seeing your eyes sparkle as they glided across the page along with the words. His eye trailed down from the gentle slope of your nose to the suppleness of your lips as they slightly pouted out in concentration. He then took in your face as a whole and the way your hair sat to bring your whole beauty in together. He fought back a blush, allowing the tips of his ears to reddin. He’d previously acknowledged your looks but seeing you as you are now… 

‘You’re beautiful Y/N’ 

“Everything okay?” 

He didn’t notice you were staring at him puzzled. The swordsman feeling embarrassed he’d been caught staring harder than he anticipated nodded before looking away to stare at the wall. 

“How did you get your devil fruit powers?” Zoro asked, hoping to change the subject now looking down to his lap as he pinched at his haori. 

“You finally want to admit it's cool?” You joked. Zoro looked back up at you, smiling as he scoffed at your ridiculousness  before shaking his head at you. You hummed in acknowledgement of his question, taking your time to collect your thoughts before you told the story for the first time out loud. 

“I stole the fruit.” You admitted your second confession of the night. 

Now this made Zoro laugh out loud. 

“Now that I wasn’t expecting to ever hear from you.” He said as he stared at the growing redness of what seemed to be a mixture of embarrassment and shame. 

You’d never told anyone how you obtained your fruit, choosing to keep it to yourself in case the very people you robbed decided to go on a widespread manhunt for you. 

“What? You don’t think I’m capable of doing bad things?” You defended, knowing you didn’t look the type to steal. In all honesty, you wanted to live a life as honestly as possible. Unfortunately, the last few years had opened your eyes to accept that sometimes you had to be dishonest to survive. 

“Alright, I'm invested now; why’d ya steal it?” Zoro continued encouraging you. 

You placed your drink down, wiping your hand from the moisture that collected from it on the comforter. You leaned to lay back down, your head sinking into the pillow before sighing out and looking at the ceiling. 

“After you disappeared and I made the decision to travel out and find you, the biggest con was the travel was taking too much time. Not a lot of ships as you know come to the village and finding my way around islands became a chore. A few months into my journey, I was in a bar resting and planning the next place to go to look for you when I overheard a couple guys on my right bragging about a devil fruit they stole from a group of pirates. They spoke about the fruit and how it was rumoured to give the user the ability to travel through holes to go to different places at your will or by chance. I was intrigued and desperate.

I made the choice to take a risk and steal it for myself. I followed them to where they were staying and thankfully they were so drunk and passed out once they got to their own ship. I snuck onboard and looked around for it. It was really hard to see since it was dark but I eventually managed to find a box that stuck out like a sore thumb and when I opened it; I saw the fruit. 

I knew that there was no guarantee it was the right fruit and I would lose my ability to swim but if it meant I got this advantage then so be it. I ate the fruit, bare in mind it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my life.” 

This made Zoro laugh again. You smiled before continuing. 

“I ate every last bit of that fruit. I managed to leave the ship without being detected and decided to flee the island itself just in case anyone else may have seen me sneaking on the ship to begin with. I chose to travel to a quieter island, one where there weren't a lot of people and where I could have some privacy to practise using the fruit. The fear of just being on the boat knowing one wrong move and I’d drown is scary as hell. I wasn’t ready to die just yet. 

I spent a LOT of time practising how to use my new abilities. It was a huge challenge and it took me about a year to summon just my first hole. The first island I travelled with my new abilities I unfortunately ended up being on an island with cannibals. They really tested my stamina. I was forced to use my ability again to travel back and because of that I found out the consequence of using the holes more than once in a day. I ended up spending three days barely conscious and recuperating completely alone. I don’t even want to get into the time I landed on Marijouse Island and was almost sold into slavery.” 

“I hate that place, some guy didn’t want to admit he wanted directions and had the audacity to point a gun at me.” Zoro mumbled out bitterly. 

“I mean look where I am now. It was worth it.” You said brightly to lighten the mood. 

“Did you have doubts you’d never find me?” Zoro questioned. 

“I did at one point. It was about two years into travelling when I had second thoughts. I was exhausted. I was running low on money, my father refused to help me. Lily had started her life with her new husband and children and I couldn’t bare the thought of burdening her. 

I didn’t give up because I knew that I would spend the rest of my life thinking about how much I would regret not getting any closure from you. I couldn’t bear the thought of starting another life with someone else. I couldn’t get over you and I don’t think I could love anyone as much as I love you. I respect you for having your ambitions and I had planned to stay by your side as you worked towards becoming the world's greatest swordsman. If I had to sacrifice myself to make sure you continue and achieve that, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

Zoro was stunned in silence as he stared at you. 

“Well that was a lot, haha.” You breathed out feeling somewhat lighter. 

“i-I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry.” Zoro mumbled.

“Why are you sorry?” 

Zoro was silent, gathering his thoughts together before answering. 

“Don’t you feel you wasted the last few years just because of me?” Zoro looked at you intently. You looked back harder, your mouth thinning at his question. 

‘Was he trying to make you feel that you wasted your time over him?’ You thought to yourself.

“Zoro, I want you to listen and listen well. If I had to go through all of it again, I would do it. I don’t regret anything I did if it meant I could be here now.” You grinned. 

Zoro's heart became erratic. 

‘There it was again, his heartbeat.’

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum. 

‘Why?’

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum.

The longer you both held each other's gaze, the faster his heartbeat became.

Zoro concluded that his heart reacted because of you. 

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum.

The ache he felt to be close to you and protect you till his last breath. He felt the gentle rising and falling of your steady breath as you both sat so close to each other. 

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum. 

How your eyes were so gentle and full of hope. 

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum. 

How your skin was so soft whenever you’d held his hand. 

‘Is this what love feels like? Is this it?’

And it was.

At that moment, Roronoa Zoro had accepted that he was in love with you. Despite struggling to mentally understand his feelings, he decided that his heart had won the war.

————————————- ⚔️✨ ————————————

A/N: God I am a sap for romance, writing the last line made my heart go BA DUM BA DUM BA DUM 😭❤️

[thecatundertheladder]

You know what? Fuck it. Morro is alive in my fsm lives au.

He got all the way into Fsm's tomb (which is actually just an over-the-top storage facility) before Fsm caught him.

When Morro was first taken in by Wu he was in awe. I mean it's not every day you're offered a place to stay by the son of God. But he doesn't know much about Wu or his family, nor does Wu think to tell him.

Over time, Morro works out that Wu isn't human. It's the little things at first that make him unsure of his dad's sensei's heritage. A low, draconic hiss there, a quick, barely noticeable shapeshifting mishap there. But Morro is still insecure about his place in the monastery, so he doesn't mention it. However, the truth of Wu's dragoni status comes to light when Wu serves himself a slab of raw meat for dinner, still dripping with blood. Naturally morro, who got served dumplings, freaks out.

Morro: Why are you eating that?!

Wu, confused as to why he's getting asked this: Because I'm technically a carnivore?

Morro: What!?

Wu: You know, because I'm half dragon and half oni.

Morro: No?!

So Morro finds out one "secret" about Wu and his family. And Wu even starts using his true form every now and then. Unfortunately this incident doesn't make Wu stop to think that if Morro doesn't know that Wu isn't human, then he probably doesn't know a lot of other things, such as the Very Important Fact of the First Spinjitzu Master being alive. For Morro, the Fsm's "death" is only confirmed when Wu offhandedly comments that he might of realised that Morro didn't know he wasn't human sooner, if his father wasn't almost certainly in the Departed Realm. (Wu's reasoning behind this was that Fsm tends to be in their true form more often than Wu)

When Morro runs away to prove that he's worthy of being the green ninja, he doesn't actually set out with any particular goal in mind. Rather, the idea of finding the Fsm's tomb comes about after hearing rumours about it in a few of the villages he passed through. In one of them, he even overhears two men talking about how allegedly "not even the First Spinjitzu Master's son's know where the tomb is" (Garmadon and Wu actually don't know where the storage facility is located, as the only time they've ever been there the Fsm teleported them straight into it and straight back out again). It's this comment that gives Morro the idea: if he can find the tomb, something that Wu himself has failed to do, Wu will have to make him the green ninja! And so Morro sets out to find The Tomb of The First Spinjitzu Master.

Meanwhile Wu is having a crisis trying to remember if running away for months at a time was normal human behaviour. Because his draconic instincts are seeing this as normal (I hc dragons to have very large territories that they let their hatchlings run amok in) but his oni instincts are screaming at him to find his pup student. And of course Morro is human, so he's not sure what he should be doing. In the end, however, Wu will always be more dragon than oni, so his draconic instincts win out and he settles down to wait for the return of his hatchling student (though if he needs an few calming teas a day and stops nearly all communication with the outside world that's nobody else's business).

Morro actually does achieve what so few have before, and finds the tomb after months of searching. He then proceeds to one up everyone else and get inside, even without the clues, doing this by using his power over the wind and knowledge of spinjitzu. Morro then decides to do what any teenager in the tomb of God would, and starts to explore. But the cave system that it's in is complex and dangerous for mortals, so Morro quickly gets lost.

Fsm, meanwhile, had come to their storage facility to do some much needed organisation (listen, there is thousands of years worth of stuff in there. Fsm is half dragon and has the hoarding skills to prove it). While they're moving through the caves sorting random items they hear a disturbance a few tunnels over (dragoni hearing for the win!) and go to investigate. It's there that he finds Morro on the verge of a breakdown.

Morro, who was not expecting anyone else to be in the tomb nearly has a heart attack, because there is a massive being with wings and sharp horns and talons staring down at him. He panics and gets ready to fight. But the more he observes the being in the cave with him, the more familiar it seems. After a few seconds, it clicks, the being looks like Wu. And if the being looks like Wu, and it's not Garmadon, then there's really only one person it could be. But that's impossible, isn't it? But all the same, Morro relaxes a bit.

Morro: You're the First Spinjitzu Master

Fsm, wondering why there is a small child in his storage facility: I am, yes.

Morro: But you're dead! We're in your tomb!?

Fsm, now wondering why this small child has traces of their son's scent on him: This is a storage facility. And I'm not dead, who told you that?

Morro: Well - I mean - Wu said you were most likely in the Departed Realm!

Fsm: And I was, but I can leave it at any time. I'm a god afterall. Anyway, how do you know my son?

Morro: Wu took me in and trained me, and he lied to me and told me I was destined to become the green ninja. But I've found your tomb, surely that makes me worthy. You can make me the green ninja!

Fsm: Of course you are not the green ninja. It's not about how worthy one is. It's the fact that you are mortal, you simply wouldn't survive carrying the power of the green ninja. Besides, if it makes you feel better, you can already do something I cannot. You can control wind, something that no one since Wojira herself has been able to do. I assume that's why Wu thought you might the green ninja. I do apologise, it's my fault he's not the best at communication.

Fsm: You should return to the monastery. Wu is worried. He sees you as his son, you know, he will be happy that you are safe.

Morro: How can you know that when you didn't even know who I was.

Fsm: Omniscience is something I can chose whether to use or not. Now, I believe it is time for you to leave. Come, I will lead out of the caves.

So Morro and the First Spinjitzu Master leave the cave system. Morro has had his ego boosted since he can do something the First Spinjitzu Master can't, and is less angry about being not the green ninja. He's still angry at Wu, of course, but he misses him all the same. Besides, this way he can yell at Wu in person again.

Morro doesn't go back immediately though, instead he takes a few months to gather his thoughts. As he travels through the villages and cities of Ninjago he occasionally helps people out, and starts to get a sense of what being a ninja is all about. So by the time he actually reaches the monastery he's mostly cooled off, as well as lost some of his arrogance. However, he does still have a speech to give Wu that involves several apologies about how he acted, along with an section that explains the pressure that Morro felt Wu put him under.

He doesn't get a chance to actually say the speech until a few days after he returns home though, as the moment Morro steps through the gates he is greeted by his touch starved dragoni sensei parent, who immediately whisks him away for cuddles. And Morro, equally touched starved, simply can't bring himself to stop it.

Fsm, on the other hand, is absolutely thrilled that they now have a grandson to dote on.

(Thanks to @coolprofessorbagelwinner for the little tidbit at the end)

[sawyerslvt]

Johnny or Leland? | Episode 4

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This is a choose your own ending story. I have also included links to porn in this series, for better visualization ;) I haven't been feeling in a very 'writing mood' so please excuse the lack of episodes + this short one. I'm working on the endings but I can't get myself to love what I'm writing at the moment. I don't want to release stuff I'm not proud of. Hope you understand <33

Word Count: 1,346 Warnings: MDNI, abuse

It’s difficult to keep track of time when you have no clue what time of day it is. You feel like it's been days, maybe weeks? Johnny brings food and takes care of you like he said he would. You fail to see what the end goal is. Is he gonna kill you? Is he planning on releasing you or… is this it? Being held captive in his basement, keeping you alive but you don't get to live life. You’ve grown really fond of him, he’s the highlight of your day whenever he walks through that door. Sure, he’s the only human interaction you get, but it wasn't bad human interaction, certainly doesn’t feel like a hostage situation.  He’s kind and gentle. He sits down and eats with you, youre talking and laughing. If the circumstances were different, you would be head over heels in love with the man. And of course, he fucks you real good. Sometimes he’s rough and other times he’s slow, passionate and loving, making you wonder if he’s as fond of you as you are of him. 

Johnny can't stay with you all the time and he leaves you in the cold and dusty room alone. He brought you a blanket and pillows to keep you company and warm when he’s away. But other than that it was painfully quiet. Sometimes you swear that you hear Leland calling for you. It echoes in your head but when you call for him, you don't get a reply. You know it's your mind playing tricks on you, hallucinating, but you miss Leland. You’re scared of what might've happened to him. With your time alone, you find yourself thinking about him a lot. His playfulness, laugh and charm was burned into your mind, stinging more and more. It's not rare for you to cry as you imagine him holding you. You remember his desperate screams as you were pulled away by Johnny. You hate how complicated everything is. You hate that you can't decide between the two men when the answer should be so simple. 

Your thoughts get interrupted when you hear the familiar door open again. It's Johnny and he’s holding your breakfast… or lunch… or dinner, you're not really sure which meal it is. It feels like your mind goes blank whenever you see him, you shoot him a warm smile and get up to greet him. You walk over and balance on your toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, he has to lean forward a little to have you reach him. “How did my woman sleep?”. Based on his question, you assume maybe this could be breakfast then. “She was lonely without her man to keep her company”, you make a pouty face and cross your arms. You were playful in your tone but you were serious. It was always so miserable and scary sleeping alone. He has slept with you a couple times but recently says he’s too busy to spend all that time with you. You hold some resentment, but you’re happy he’s back. 

He puts your plate on the ground by the mattress and comes back to give you a big hug. He holds you in his arms for a while without saying anything. Your head is pressed against his hard chest and you hear his heartbeat. “I missed you so much today, I couldn't even do my work proper… You were on my mind too much” his voice is low, like he hates admitting it to himself. You smile and look up at him, giving him a quick peck. He turns the quick kiss into a long and passionate one. He’s cupping your face with both hands and making out with you like he hadn't seen you in years. You welcomed his kiss, you had missed him too. His touch was enough to make you feel like you're floating. But you keep getting flashes of Leland. He’s haunting you. The more you enjoyed Johnny's presence, the more of Leland you saw and you think a big reason is because you think Johnny is the cause for something bad having happened to him. 

At the very least… you have to know. You have to find out what Johnny did to him. Is he still in that room waiting for you to come back? Does he think youre dead or did his mouth dig his own grave? Making Johnny kill him? You had so many questions and all of them could be answered by the man kissing you. You break away from the kiss and look down. “What’s wrong, doll?”. His voice is concerned and his brows are furrowed as he tries lifting your chin to make him face you. You reject his touch and continue looking down, you know he’s getting more and more worried. “...w-what did you do to him?” Your voice is soft and quiet. Johnny is so good to you, so kind but you're scared the mention of his name will make him snap. He sighs. “what i did to who?...”. He’s not asking cause he doesn't know, he's asking cause he’s testing you. You don't care if he snaps, you have to know. “...W-what did you do to Leland?”. His name was like a trigger and he grabs your face, harder than he’s ever done before. “Don't you ever utter his name. Besides, why do you care? You have me. Am I not enough?”. He squeezes harder with that last question, he’s hurt that you would bring him up. “you… y-you’re hurting me Johnny”, your voice is soft and careful. “Answer my question”. His voice is weak, he’s hurting and demanding for you to validate the feelings he already has for you, thinking you felt the same way towards him. “you’re more than enough”. Tears are streaming down your face at this point. It was true though, he was enough but that didn't erase the feelings you had for Leland. 

His grip loosens and he steps away from you, putting his hands behind his head, then on his hips. He’s pacing back and forth not knowing what to say or do. “Why do you fucking care about him anyways? You met him the same damn night you met me. You've spent more time with me than you did with him”. You don't know what to say, you don't even know what he wants you to say. It's a question designed to trap you no matter the answer. “I don't care about him… i- i just don’t…” he interrupts you. “Well obviously you do care, otherwise you wouldn't bring it up, would you?”. His voice is angrier than it's ever been and for the first time, you're scared for your life in his presence. “I’m sorry… it won't happen again” Your voice is weak and you try hugging yourself to calm yourself down, a form of self soothing. “Damn right it won’t happen again… I mean FUCK” He kicks your food that was laid on the ground. The food goes flying and the plate nearly hits you but you manage to dodge just in time. You hug yourself harder, trying to shrink yourself. Maybe if you stayed still enough, he wouldn't see you. He walks over to you and the sight of him angrily approaching, makes you backup a little. He grabs you by your hair and gets close to your face. His grip is hard and he’s hurting you again. “You’ve lost food privileges, I'll be back in a week”. He lets go of your hair and almost throws you away like he was disgusted seeing your face. He starts walking out of the door and you run after him crying, grabbing his forearm trying to pull him back. You don't care even if he slaps you, you didn't want him to leave you, especially for a week. You don’t care about the food, you want him. “Let go” he says simply and pulls himself from your grip and locks the door behind himself. You fall to the ground crying hysterically.

Previous Episode ♡ Next Episode

credit for dividers: @kyunlouy

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Jareth

(WARNING! This analysis contains THE BABE!)

(What babe?)

(The babe with the power!)

(What power?)

(The power of voodoo!)

(Who do?)

(You do!)

(Do what?)

(Remind me of the babe! Oh, also there’s SPOILERS!)

Many years ago I launched my official movie review series for obscure and cult movies, Michael After Midnight. As David Bowie’s death was fresh at the time, I decided to honor him by making the very first review that of one of his greatest cinematic performances. And now, to celebrate Psycho Analysis finally coming back from its nebulous hiatus, we’re gonna take a look at that performance.

Jareth the Goblin King, the ruler of the titular labyrinth and a tricky fairy who sets the plot in motion with the kidnapping of the little Toby after our main character Sarah wishes to be rid of him… He’s one of the most delightfully delicious 80s villains imaginable. But what exactly is there to him that makes him so appealing? Is it just the fact he’s played by a young, hot David Bowie? Or is there a little more to him than just that?

Motivation/Goals: Jareth’s motives operate on fae/dream logic most of the time. The way he acts, the way he goes about things, operates on a morality that is alien to you or I but likely seems fair and just to a being like him. Kidnapping a baby? Well, he was asked to do so! Sending poor Sarah on a gauntlet through the labyrinth? Well, it’s to test her mettle! Of course, over time he shifts gears a bit due to… falling in love with Sarah. Yeah. This grown-ass fairy is crushing on a teenage girl. It’s no wonder Robert Eggers is rumored to be remaking Labyrinth; considering his pedophilic stalker portrayal of Orlok that has somehow still managed to amass an army of horny fangirls, he’d be able to pull off a Jareth the likes of which we’ve never seen!

Performance: Sting. Prince. Mick Jagger. Michael Jackson. All these stars were considered for the role, and all of them could have brough something interesting to Jareth. We know from Dune that Sting looks good in ridiculous outfits, so he wouldn’t be opposed to baring his bulge; Mick Jagger was a solid actor, as can be surmised from the film Performance; Prince was some sort of fae being to begin with, meaning he wouldn’t have to try too hard to pull off the haughty egomania of Jareth; and MJ would have been able to bring the delightful joy of awkward implications in the future since the entire film is all about Jareth trying to get freaky with a kid and, well…

But with all that said, none of them could have delivered the kind of performance Bowie did. I think with him being such an utterly bizarre and unique performer for his time, he had the exact right persona to portray a fruity fairy king, and his sex god status certainly helped sell this as well. It’s genuinely hard to imagine any of those other guys being able to pull off the right amount of sensual allure and genuine menace Bowie is able to bring to nearly every scene. There’s a reason this is one of his definitive roles; it’s one of the best villain performances in all of 80s fantasy.

Final Fate: Sarah overcomes his labyrinth, and even though he’s David Bowie in the 80s and he’s sung a dozen villain songs, kidnapping a baby puts him beyond the pale for Sarah. After reciting her poem and finishing up with the reaffirmation that Jareth has no power over her, he seems to gracefully accept defeat and allow her to treutn home for a dance party ending with all of the friends she made along the way (and also the Fierys for some fucking reason). In the form of an owl, Jareth flies away from the window into the night. Yeah, I got no fucking clue.

I will say this: It’s actually rather admirable that, despite his god-like powers, his love for Sarah was genuine enough that after completely and fully rejecting him he was still enough of a man to let her go. I think a lot of guys could learn a thing or two from him.

Evilness: This is the most debatable facet of Jareth. Exactly how evil is he, anyway? He does kidnap a baby, sure, but it’s exactly what Sarah asked for. Whether you believe the movie is all just a dream or that it’s real and Jareth is a member of the Fair Folk, this logic is sound for beings of such illogical nature. But then you have the fact he’s openly falling in love with a prepubescent girl which is, uh… not a good look. There’s also his treatment of Hoggle, which is douchey even for a fairy. If you ask me, all of Jareth’s actions put him at a 5.5/10 in terms of evilness; he’s bordering on darker territory, but I’m willing to give a little bit of leeway since he’s playing by fae rules.

Best Scene: Do I really need to say it?

Best Quote: While of course the entirety of the song “Magic Dance” is fantastic, it’s the opening bit of the song that is one of the most quotable and iconic pieces of dialogue in the film. I’m sure you could guess the whole “You remind me of the babe” bit is my favorite quotation of his based on the gag at the start of this analysis.

Of course, there’s also his truly incredible quote where he channels his inner “balding principal turned underwear-themed superhero”: “Nothing, tra la la?”

Final Thoughts & Score: I fucking love Jareth. He’s easily one of my favorite villains of all time, and might even be one of the greatest characters Jim Henson ever created. No, I’m not kidding. The evil David Bowie fairy is on par with Kermit in my mind.

Of course, a lot of what makes me love him is Bowie’s charismatic portrayal. Just the way he enunciates things, the way he reads off the silly dialogue, his multiple songs, the way he plays with his balls (or at least the way he allowed the professional ball man to hold up his arm to play with the balls in such a way that it looked like Bowie did it). And it’s not just the charisma, sexual and otherwise, that makes this performance good; it’s the depth, his role as an anti-villainous trickster mentor who is maybe just trying to teach Sarah a lesson by putting her through the wringer in typical fairy fashion

Of course, there’s also his truly uncomfortable romantic desire for Sarah. It’s not really subtext, especially by the end, though it’s at least played subtly and doesn’t go into uncomfortable directions (Bowie apparently refused to kiss the 16 year old Connelly, which is pretty based). I think the thing here is that Bowie is just so fun and charismatic that it is incredibly easy to overlook Jareth being a creep… which is almost a commentary on how rock stars can get away with disturbing behavior due to their own charisma and talents. Obviously it’s not intentional, but it is an interesting way to look at things.

I think the thing with Jareth is that it’s really easy to just write him off as a villain popular due to being played by David Bowie and looking very sexy but—at least for me—I think a core part of his appeal is how much he leaves you to chew on. I mean, there are so many ways you can read him; he can be a stealth mentor teaching Srah a lesson, a genuine stalker with a crush who becomes sickly obsessed with a teenager, a rowdy jackass who just likes to torment Sarah for his amusement, some combination of all of the above… 10/10 is the only score I could give a character who is so fun, entertaining, and open to interpretation. He manages to have genuine style and charisma combined with utterly absurd, cheesy, and ridiculous fantasy camp... Jareth is truly a villain for the ages.

Alright, enough showing restraint. Look at his fucking bulge:

Those costume designers must’ve been the horniest motherfuckers of all time.

[diyasgarden]

I always think about how in the Applebees scene where Tashi makes the joke to Art asking if he thought she'd kill herself after the injury, because in all honesty it wouldn't be surprising to think she would. She lost the life she planned for herself that day. I think anyone in her life would be worried for her. Now imagine being her best friend who is in love with her during this time....

No longer a danger to herself or others / She made up her mind and laced up her shoes / Yelled down the hall but nobody answered / So she walked outside without an excuse

You'd be lying if you said she weren't worried. There was always this nagging feeling that something would happen. That you wouldn't be there for Tashi and she'd do something rash she'd never be able to fix. The injury made her erratic, unaspiringly. She tried to push you away, but you'd never leave her. Weeks turned to months and months to a year. It was the end of the semester and it was time to go home. It's a week before you need to leave when you get the call. Her voice confident and strong as she tells you she is going on a road trip. For a moment you feel as if you've stumbled into the past and you're too stunned to answer. She says she's leaving this Saturday, and to come if you want, before hanging up.

She could do anything she wants to / She could do whatever she wants to do / She could go home, but she's not going to

At first you thought she wanted to go on a road trip back to her home, but you were mistaken. She isn't sure where she wants to go, but she knows she wants this. A part of you wants to her it's stupid to just pack your things and drive without a destination, but she's your Tashi. If she wants this, you won't stop her. You'll go with her. Her eyes gleam as you put your things into the car. A hint of determination you used to see in her eyes while she walked on to court. It's not as bright as before, but it's there. You have to bite back the grin that forms as you watch it form. Ever perceptive she notices, raising an eyebrow while looking in your direction. You shrug, as you put the last suitcase in. She rolls her eyes, and that too sends a wave of reassurance through your body. It wasn't the Tashi you'd always known, but it was closer to her than anything you'd seen the past couple of months.

So she picks a direction, it's ninety in Memphis / Turns up the music so thoughts don't intrude / Predictably winds up thinkin' of Elvis / And wonders if he believed songs could come true

She decides on driving towards Memphis. Ambitious considering it's on the other coast, but who are you to say no. You put down the windows and blast music. You both sing along as you both take turns driving. There is no talk of the injury or her lost career, just you and Tashi in the moment. You feel your heart flutter every time you look over to see the wind blowing her hair back.

I'm asking for it if they do / Doesn't know what she wants or what she's gonna do / A rebel without a clue

For the first time since the injury, you heard her talk about the future optimistically. She didn't talk about it like some burden she'd have to live through, but as if she wanted to prepare for it. Be ready for whatever came next. You'd go back and forth discussing what she may do now. Business? Law? Medicine? Deep down, you had a feeling she'd never stray away from tennis. She'd make a great coach and you knew she'd become one soon. You had a feeling she knew this too, but it never stopped these conversations. It was fun to pretend and you'd do it for ever long as she wanted.

So we spent what was left of our serotonin / To chew on our cheeks and stare at the moon / Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment / Ate a sleeve of saltines on my floor, and I knew then.

The trip is just you driving from city to city, but you never actually make it to Memphis. Not that either of you were surprised or disappointed at that. It was never the goal of the trip. Was there even one? You're unsure but as you spend the day laughing with Tashi in the car and spend nights staring up at the moon with her, it feels like this trip was successful. You feel as if whatever was the goal of the trip has been met. Maybe the goal was just to make her smile. Or make her feel whole again. The thought of those things make you feel whole as well.

I would do anything you want me to / I would do anything for you / I would do anything, I would do anything / Whatever you want me to do, I will do / Whatever she wants, whatever she wants

When you both admit it's time to return to normal life and start the drive back, a peaceful silence overtakes the drive. You feel hopeful for her. You feel good for her. Maybe Tashi would never be the same, but she'd be fine. You could rest easy knowing that. When she thanks you for going on this trip with her, you have to fight the urge to laugh. Doesn't she realize you'd go anywhere she asked? Maybe she doesn't, but you do. You'd do anything Tashi wanted you to. Now and always.

[kitorin]

"What's a possession of yours you associate with your lover?"

Meguru ponders a bit at the question, clearly deep in thought. You place down the card, one from the bunch of 'Questions for couples' game Yoichi had gifted you recently. They're fun, ranging from deep, personal ones to lighthearted ones which were ultimately a matter of simple preferences. Apparently, they bring newer couples closer together (keyword 'apparently', Yoichi's only validation is his own knowledge).

You wait patiently— though fun they're not all easy, most questions were accompanied by a pause to contemplate. You've both considered giving up a question or two, simply because there was too much to think about (those resulted in a ramble or two, they're barely articulate but interesting to listen to nonetheless).

"Got it!" He smiles with triumph, as if he'd just won a prize or scored a goal.

"Omamori! The one my mum bought me this year." You know exactly what he's talking about; the Japanese amulet she'd purchased in Osaka during an art exhibition. Pink brocade silk bag adorned with cherry blossoms in a darker shade, the temple's name written in golden kanji on one side— with the other having success on it. It's so pretty, he carries it around wherever he goes, either the white string tied to his bag or placed securely in his pocket.

You weren't sure what he'd say, but a good luck charm certainly didn't come to mind.

"Why? Is it because I'm pretty?"

"Not really."

"You're so lovely, Meguru." Sarcasm laces itself with your tone. If not that, then you're even more curious about what it could be.

"No, I mean, I can't compare how pretty you are to anything else in this world, really." It's almost miraculous how he went from seemingly insulting you to making your face flush with flustered embarrassment. "But that's not the main point. This omamori." He reaches into his pocket, stroking it but leaving it there. "Is a lot more special than any other one." There's his grin, the one that competes with the sun because of how warm he is.

Nothing really comes to mind. You know they 'expire', some people believe they do every year, returning them to the temple for the staff to burn it in a ceremony. Others believe that they last forever. That doesn't serve as a clue anyways, whichever Meguru was, he kept them around either way.

You yield, too impatient and curious to think much more about it. "I give up."

"It's because we started dating this year."

"Doesn't the kanji say it's for career success?" There's no correlation between it and you, you have nothing to do with his position as an athlete, or with soccer as a whole.

"I didn't mean it like that." Meguru pulls you in for a hug, nuzzling his chin into your shoulder. "You're my omamori."

You feel as if it's the other way, he's always defending you; being the first to stand up for you verbally or fighting without hesitation even if the opposing party was for no match for you in the first place. Remaining silent, you wait for him to clarify.

"You've always helped me feel at peace. You protect me from those scary thoughts that have kept me up for nights. You protect me from loneliness." His hug grows tighter, as if something was going to take you away from him. "Thanks to you I don't have to rely on some imaginary friend to keep me company."

Your fingers run through his hair, soft and messy from rolling around during his nap from earlier. "Then I hope you'll let me continue doing so."

"Of course." Meguru kisses you, the sweetness of him and pineapple lingering on your lips. "I love you."

Those three words are no foreigner to you. You've uttered them to friends, family, and even strangers on the internet. But with intimacy those very same words metamorphose into something different. The allure of romance places weight onto them, the weight of upmost importance.

That doesn't mean you find it too heavy.

"I love you too, Meguru." You go for another kiss, the saccharinity of his lips being strangely addictive, something about the taste of him mingled with pineapple is so intoxicating.

Three simple words, yet known to possess so much significance. They say it's a frightening confession to make, a powerful declaration of adoration and vulnerability. Much like any component of love, it comes with uncertainty and the fear of being deprived of reciprocated feelings.

Not for you though, the words come off both of your tongues smoothly, as if you were born to do so. There's no signs of hesitation or fear, or worry— just faces flushed with bashful scarlet and kisses honeyed with adoration.

( Guess the card game wasn't lying when it said it'd bring you closer, nor was Yoichi )

Tagging: @yuzurins

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[kalamity-jayne]

I would really appreciate whatever verbal support and guidance I can get. Conversion therapy has been taking it's toll and I don't know if I'll ever be able to transition. I don't know if it will be safe and even then I don't think I'm able to face people around me and socially transition. I live in a really conservative environment and I grew up playing along while hiding that I was trans. I have no fucking clue what to do, I'm relatively popular and have a lot of friends but as soon as I come out I feel like that will all disappear. They all like the version of me I play and not who I actually am.

Hello my dear thank you for reaching out to me. I am deeply sorry that you are going through such a painful and difficult time. I know it may not seem like it right now because you are deep in it, but I assure you if transition is something you really truly want to do you will do it.

According to your profile, you are only 18 years old. And that is so very young. You will hopefully live a very long, very gay and very trans life, and this portion of it will be but a brief blip. You have to remember that while the days are long, the years are short. This time in your life will pass faster than you realize.You will get through this. I didn’t start HRT until I was 33 years old. Do I wish I could’ve started when I was younger? Of course! But I am still happy with where I’m at in life and I’m happy with my transition! It is never too late to start a transition, starting later in life does not mean you are going to have worse results than if you started earlier and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Here is the real truth, no matter when you begin your transition you will be happy that you did it and the only real negative thing that comes from having to wait is that there will be more grief over the past that you carry with you, that’s it.  The pain from time spent in the egg, the wounds from everything you are going through, including this godforsaken conversion therapy, will heal. The scars will remain but your life will go on.

It’s imperative that you don’t put the cart before the horse. You need to get your priorities straight. While transitioning is obviously the ultimate goal you need to set that aside for now and focus on two other goals essential to achieving the ability to transition. First goal is very simple: survive! Whatever it takes to get you through this and stay alive, DO IT, even if it means dissociating or burying yourself in video games and books. Hell, I don’t generally advocate doing drugs, but you're technically an adult and if it’s smoking weed or suicide then smoke up (just please avoid hard drugs and alcohol, those will only make things worse for you).

Most important to your survival is carving space out for yourself where you can safely be the real you and explore your own queerness. Often when I give that advice I tell youngins to find that one or two friends who accept the real you, who you can safely be yourself around and spend as much time with them as possible. However, because you are in conversion therapy that means you are likely under intense scrutiny and surveillance. So perhaps your safe harbor for the time being is only your presence here on Tumblr. You must be very careful and keep your online activities a secret because here you can have community and be connected to other trans people and we will help you get through this. Last thing I will mention on the point of survival is the Trevor project which exists to serve young people such as yourself. There is an army of people just like me volunteering their time at the Trevor project because we want to do everything we can to help people like you survive to adulthood and the Trevor projects has all kinds of tools for keeping your communications with them a secret so that your parents never find out.

The other goal is total independence. You’re 18, which means that you are granted most of the rights and privileges afforded adults, and technically that means you are legally too old to be forced to undergo something like conversion therapy. However, that doesn’t mean your parents don’t have leverage to wield against you, and that leverage comes in the form of dependence. People your age are typically dependent on their parents in one or two ways: housing, if you are living under the same roof, and financially, either because you lack the personal finances and stability to live on your own and/or if you are going to college and need their financial assistance. So you need to pursue with laser guided focus the goal of breaking those bonds. And this happens incrementally, first maybe you get a car and a drivers license which means you’ve got a little bit more freedom and they lose some of their ability to scrutinize what you’re doing. After that eventually you maybe move out, maybe to go to college; Now that you’re no longer under the same roof, you are dealing with even less surveillance. And then with hard work, you get a decent job you save up money, and you are no longer financially dependent on them and then at that point, they will no longer have any power over you.

So chart out all the steps that you will need to take to become fully independent from them and then put the blinders on, keep your head down and play along so as not to jeopardize your housing or studies or whatever, stay out of trouble, keep you nose to the grindstone, and work towards independence. Once you’re free, you can do whatever ever you want and your freedom may come sooner than you think. In fact, I would encourage you to think of where you’re at right now, even though it doesn’t include HRT, as part of your transition. Because a big part of transition is really just about having faith that you will achieve your goals, staying the course and not losing sight of the bigger picture. Having said all of that, if you feel like you just need to get the hell out of dodge, The Rainbow Railroad may be able to help you! www.rainbowrailroad.org/

Now, as for these so-called friends of yours, if they can’t support the real you they’re not real friends. Real love is unconditional, and if they can’t love the real you then all they have is an emotional attachment to their idea of you. Maybe you need them for now, just to get through these challenges without drawing undue attention to yourself, but you won’t need them forever. I’m currently 38 and of the friends I had at 18 there is only one who is still in my life and we talk maybe once a year. Friends come and go, and the friends that you have at this stage of your life are really gonna be pretty minor in the grand scheme of your life.

Frequently we talk a lot about things we lose when we transition and yes, unfortunately that often includes friends and family, but what we don’t talk enough about is how much richer your life will become, that in time the people you’ve lost get replaced by more meaningful relationships with better people who really do love you without any strings attached, and many of them will be other trans people. And that friend of mine I mentioned earlier, the only reason she is still in my life is because back when I initially came out at 17 she was the only person who was supportive of me being trans. Every other friendship from that time has fallen to the wayside, those people aren’t in my life and I don’t miss them. My parents who were not as supportive as they should’ve been at that time. They’re still in my life, but that relationship is way in the backseat, they have very little impact on my life anymore. So don’t let the fears over things you might lose stop you from being yourself because you have so much more to gain by being yourself once it’s safe to do so. 

So my dear, don’t despair and lose hope. You will make it out alive. You will become the woman of your dreams. You will find love and there is a whole community of trans folks who are here for you. I am rooting for you and I can say without 100% certainty that every single trans person reading this is rooting for you too! Stay safe, stay connected, and don’t hesitate to reach out to me or any other trans person any time you need us.

Love,

Mother Calamity.

[yaqamole]

I have a Piratalia AU and I'm making it everyone's problem now.

Here's the rundown

The year is 1685

Piracy is alive and the world full of adventure. The Caribbean is beautiful and full of opportunity for the right person. Whether born into it or forced into it by god willing strength, it offers the chance to live a life unimaginable to the average person.

The idea of magic and treasures beyond comprehension seem a tale of the past. There are no gods, there are no hidden cities, there are no mystical objects waiting for the right person to find them. Right? All that matters are the battles between pirates and navymen. The most grand of wealth comes from the subjugation of others or is stolen from those who inflict pain unto others.

Wrong.

The Book of Chaos, the Four Pillars, El Dorado, and God's Fist beckon the sailor who is foolish enough to chase after them. But they are well hidden of course, Information all stored away and held as prizes and relics by the navy after navy and pirate after pirate. Such power was never meant to be known. Skilled men would have to find a way to claim these clues for themselves without giving themselves away. Skilled men would have to know that there is something worth searching for to chase after.

But the prize for finding them is well worth the sacrifice and fight. Wealth beyond comprehension, wishes to godlike beings, blessings from the gods of the people in the islands and coasts, and status of being a king above kings are all tempting offers that only need the right sailor to find them.

May the most skilled of sailors be blessed with these gifts beyond comprehension.

---

I have taken some liberty and made up some mythological objects for this AU as you may be able to tell. But it's so fun! I'm doing this AU with friends but I will mention my babes

Antonio is of course a pirate in this AU. How could he not be? Arrogant, prideful, selfish, and cruel, he is a skilled pirate who holds well on his own.

Egotistical, selfish, and cruel, Antonio has a god complex like no other. The man genuinely believes himself to be above all other men. He is a selfish, whorish man, who chases his own ambitions and prioritizes them above all else. He chases thrills and he reaches for all that he wants without a care of what it costs others. He is cunning and a skilled liar. All that he managed to do exemplifies his goals of serving himself. Still, he is an easily jealous man. He does not like sharing his things and he especially hates finding out that the people he has claimed as his own toying with others.

He has yet to find anyone that makes him turn his attention away from his ambitions in any meaningful way. His attention has always been on gaining more and more and never stopping the reach for further in life.

Despite his unsavory personality, he is a loyal man to his crew and would find any reason to defend them. He is a skilled captain and has won their loyalty in return. He is not the type to turn against them or put them through hell, so he does not fear the idea of mutiny. It is not a concern he will ever have to deal with. He values his position and knows better than to screw over the men who can and will kill him if he dares act out.

Lorenzo is an opera singer who lives and performs in Cuba!

Sarcastic, quick-witted, and playful, Lorenzo lives to tease. He can be a bit stuck up, a bit rude, and perhaps even spoiled, but he is a loyal friend and a romantic on top of everything.

He is a joyful man despite his abrasive demeanor and he cares very deeply for various causes and movements. He is someone who secretly engages in the move for change, being careful so as to not lose what allows him to do so.

Lorenzo tends to be more rude when irritated and can get more hostile with men. He is much more polite to women and is quite the charmer with them. This does not prevent his heart from growing attached to men. Not that he will easily confess to such a thing.

If you talk to him on a deeper level than what he is presented as by white audiences, you will see that he is not entirely pleased with his role and life and were it not for specific people, he might throw it all away.

anyway do y'all want to hear more about this AU?

[veeenix]

i have to rant about this or i might cease to exist. 

lokius...

for one, i love queer ships (canon or not) but i also like to stay true to the show i’m watching, and i personally don’t have a big problem with sylki (just a little underwhelmed with it if i’m being honest). but the more i look at loki and mobius’ relationship, the clues and that damn song, the more it feels actually plausible that this could turn into something real.

i’m going to somewhat rank these from 1 downward, 1 being its probably coincidental, down to this is too spot on to be nothing. all while i sip leisurely at my tea.

1. “i’ve studied almost every moment of your life..”

it kind of speaks for itself. its a pretty simple bit of dialogue, and most likely doesn’t mean all that much, but what is mobius’ fascination with loki variants? this is higher on the list mainly because mobius has been assigned this case, he's a detective and its his job to dig deep, he's consumed by his work, therefore it isn't strange for him to know so much about loki's life on the sacred timeline.

2. the tie adjustment scene

trust me, i'd love to put this lower on the list, but theres one thing that makes me believe this is-- albeit disappointingly-- a coincidence. it was improv. maybe that, for some people, is more of an indicator of canon lokius, that tom hiddleston felt that that scene was being led in such a flirtatious direction, however, this scene was more his following along owen's playful presence on set, which just makes it kind of sweet. but this is one of my favourites scenes, regardless of the intention behind it. loki will always be a flirt, after all.

3. loki's bisexuality

as much as i would have loved to see more on loki's sexuality-- perhaps slightly more explicitly given his status as the god of mischief-- i'm not going to hate on sylvie and loki, because that would simply erase the existence of bisexuality, hetero-presenting relationships exist and to deny so would again, erase the meaning of bisexuality. however, the ending of season 1 does raise some questions. loki and sylvie's separation sets up the future of marvel, it needed to happen, so this might not mean much at all and we now know that season 2 will focus on loki searching for sylvie through timelines. but how purely queer would it be for loki to realise some stronger feelings toward one agent mobius, and perhaps loki and sylvie's relationship was something that was meant to stay platonic, who knows? this is considerably more fanon than my other theories, but i had to include it, given that to me, its a reasonable arguement. lgbtq+ characters need to be introduced and this was kate herron's goal from the beginning. she also said that she hoped marvel went further with this new information and explored more thoroughly. forgive me for this more outlandish inclusion, but it has been on mind for awhile now.

4. the presence of the dagger / "love is a dagger..."

we all know this one, we've all screamed over it and we all hope it means something more than just a coincidence. with marvel's history of in-depth attention to detail (comic references, foreshadowing years prior to a movie's release), it feels a little too purposeful, doesn't it? again, i'm trying to keep rank these into something somewhat believable with viable evidence, so something i will mention is that loki has lacked any close friendships his whole life. gaining a relationship like this would hold deep value to him, and parting ways would likely pull forth some deep bittersweet emotions. platonic love is arguably more important than romantic, the need to be understood without judgement and that is what both mobius and loki have given each other. the tears in loki's eyes during this scene is a clear indicator of their care for each other, but whether that goes deeper is unclear.

my thoughts fluctuate on this one. for one, its simply so beautiful and meaningful to loki's development (and mobius') that whether its meant platonic or with an underlying romance, feels like it hardly matters, because it holds as much meaning either way. "love is a dagger", it appears in so many forms throughout the series: mobius giving loki his daggers, only for them to be taken away by B-15 a second later, this hug scene and loki and sylvie's fight in the citadel. its so prominent in this scene, its hard to dismiss, yet marvel fluctuates so much with their details that its hard to tell if this was intended the way i'm seeing. regardless, its beautiful and definitely a worthy inclusion.

5. the lokius song / mobius' apparent jealousy

lets get one thing straight, natalie holt is an amazing composer and i will back that to no end with my spotify wrapped this year, trust me on this. so when i first started listening through the second album, like a true neurodivergent kid, i was memorising every song name and i have to say, i lost it a little when i saw the name of this song. natalie confirmed that sif and loki had a 'thing' during the point that the time loop scene was set, so one cannot dismiss the possibility that she could know a little more about the prior scenes than we realise. i was skeptical when i first saw people's impressions of these scenes, after all, they had all reunited after loki technically betrayed mobius, so it was understandable that mobius wouldn't exactly be pleased with the circumstances that they're meeting again. but something about the way he looks at loki and sylvie when he's leading them down the hall, he just looks kind of heartbroken and disappointed. again, this could have been the result of loki's betrayal, if the way he calls him a bad friend is anything to go by, but the substance of this scene holds so much in it. and his little rant about loki and sylvie's "twisted romantic relationship" breaking his reality, hits a little hard. maybe this wouldn't have meant much if it hadn't been with that bloody song, because tell how just an angry, hurt mobius = lokius? it can be jealousy regardless of romantic feelings, friendships feel it too, but this feel a little more substantial.

worthy inclusions:

sylvie's "he cares about you" comment in the void, and loki's near dismissal of it.

loki falling asleep in the archives, he trusts mobius.

am i the only one that finds it cute how loki hangs out at mobius' desk while mobius is off doing other work?

conclusion:

look, i'm going to be honest here, i grow sceptical of my own arguments at times. these are very minor things, and i didn't even realise they were pushing loki and sylvie in the direction they were until they kiss (in other words, i'm a little oblivious), so i want you all to take this with a grain of salt. i like to stay true to the actual characters and their makers, i don't have unrealistic expectations and i am no director, actor or screenwriter. i am not saying how i think the next season should go, i just wish it could go to in this direction to some degree. i have my doubts, but my hopes too. regardless, i'm just happy to see these characters at all!

this is what so many seem to forget. there may be restrictions (cough cough disney), but everyone working on these shows and movies have put their hearts into it and i want to appreciate that for what it is! this doesn't mean you aren't entitled to your own opinion, of course you are! but just remember the show/characters you've fallen in love with and if you didn't have them at all. i'm overjoyed to see loki with a close friendship after so many years of watching him being proverbially kicked while he was down. ultimately, loki and mobius' friendship (and possible romance) is what technically saved loki and that's something beautiful in and of itself.

I don't think its impossible! but i keep an open mind for both directions their stories could take.

[brightdarkness-2013]

Chapter 20: Hang On! Here Comes Another One!

Summary: With Barricade gone Prowl struggles and Jazz talks to Prowl about his family

Prowl had taken to searching for comfort from Blaster and I. We tried to be there as much as possible, but we had to leave at some point and there were times when we couldn’t be there during the day. Blaster had his own goals and I was pulled away on a patrol or rescue. Or of course there was the forced family gathering for us richys for show. My sister just ate it up. Holidays were tense and they were pushing me to get a ‘real’ job and of course father hinted at pulling strings to get me into a good college. Besides that and heading home I was with Prowl. Prowl spent the rest of that time in his nest. Hiding from the staff and his neighbors who tended to watch him more intently since his escapes. He only ate at night now or when Blaster and I came. He only took what we gave him during the day. At night he’d take it into his nest and the only evidence we had that he was actually eating at all was the fact that he was throwing the bones out of the tank and onto the floor in front of the tank. He had made it easier for us previously by moving the bones off to the corner far off corner of the tank as he preferred things clean, but this was new.

We had to go down into the tank to check the nest previously as he had been just bringing the fish into his nest and leaving the bones in there and we had no clue whether or not he was eating at all, but after the second time that happened he had started tossing it out and onto the floor. It was a pretty straight forward sign that he wanted to be alone and didn’t appreciate anyone snooping around his nest. He never acted out violently or really glared at anyone, but he got his points across just fine without any real aggression or threats.

I sighed as I sat on the feeding platform with Prowl laying with his head in my lap. This had been a norm since his stubborn asshole of a pod mate got himself killed. We would just sit there until I had to leave. He didn’t move or make a sound. Sometimes I would talk and other times I had carefully placed music playing. Then there were times where we would just sit in silence. Sometimes Blaster would join us and other times he didn’t. There were times I’d come to find that Blaster had beaten me to it. We’d pull out the loose and dying scales since he hadn’t been doing it himself lately. This was much worse than back in the cove.

“I know you’re hurting and all, but this whole hiding all day isn’t good for ya either. I kinda get where you’re coming from if ya believe it or not. Sure no one in my family has gone and died besides a great grandfather that I never knew, but I do in a way.” I spoke absentmindedly that morning. “I know that despite how my sister acts I’d do whatever I could for her. It’s a very complex feeling really. I mean I know that if I told her not to do something that she’d go and do it anyway and when she realized that I was right she’d never bring it up. We don’t and probably never will have a relationship that’s even close to half of what ya had with Barricade and the rest of your pod as we have been practically ignoring each other for since we hit our teen years, but I’ve done some things for her. I’ve pranked every ex boyfriend that she’s ever had just because she is family.”

I sighed again as the cool sunlight fell on us through the dome above. Prowls newfound little fan club was watching us. It was a usual things now, but I had to wonder what was up with them. They had threatened and went out of their way to either ignore Prowl and Barricade or try to aggravate them, but now they just watched quietly. I pulled out a few loose scales that just barely hung on to his side. It was quiet.

“It’s kind of sad. We used to be so much closer. Maybe I do it for what we used to be. We, as richys, tend to have our friends picked out for us. We bonded on hating our forced friends. Hiding from them and doing whatever we could to ditch them so we could do what we wanted to do. I remember we hid in the attic in the far corner behind all these boxes for hours. Back then she wasn’t afraid of the spiders and their webs so it was fine. We sneezed from the dust and giggled as we talked about what they were doing downstairs as we played board games we had stored up there. We were home schooled back then and were stuck with private tutors and we were all we had.” I paused to take a breath as I lost myself in the memory of what we lost. “We did everything together back then. We had to literally beg and pester our parents every chance we had to get to go to an actual school with other kids. That wasn’t often as our parents just left us with the two maids. They were more than enough for us from the way they think. Less money and having one each following us and cleaning up our messes and feeding us and it was fine in their book. They really only had us because it was expected of them as people in high society I think.”

I was probably an embarrassment. I hummed to myself a second. I already knew they didn’t like my working here. They were either pissed or thinking about disowning me. They never threatened it before, but from how they were never around I wouldn’t put it passed them. They had no doubt forgot about us when they were on business. We didn’t exist really unless it was for some gathering the way I saw it.

“When we finally got into a real school, of course that was after the argument that we didn’t want to go to a high quality school with our forced friends, that was when we were forced apart. For the first time we were separated and we had to socialize with others. It took some time, but we made our own friends and… Well we drifted apart. It was subtle at first and before we knew it there was this… Rift between us. It was like there was this wall and any attempt to break it down was awkward and we just quit trying. Her friends fed off her high status and money while mine couldn’t care less. Nat... She started playing dress up for mommy and daddy and followed their little plans and I… Well I’m here.”

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[frootertooter]

Loose thoughts/somewhat of a messy personal analysis Year One Scarecrow bc my god it's been eating at my brain cells, but also I find it a little bizarre that I can't find a single analysis of the comic available??? So uhh strap in bois it's unstructured yapping time B')

Oh yea just to preface: I've not read any of the other Year One comics yet? I have no clue if the others are actually connected?? While reading this tho, everything felt like it was a standalone comic so I'm looking at it as such

Parallels between Crane and Bruce: Two of the most important things to both Scarecrow and Batman throughout the story are their usage of fear and control. Both using it as means for vengeance. When either happen to lack control, they may get more aggressive. For Bruce it could be lashing out more than usual at criminals, while for Crane it's smashing a table out of spontaneous anger. What differentiates the two however is that for Crane, fear and control are meant to punish those he felt have personally hurt him- a method taught and learnt through the abuse he received from his Grandmother.

For Bruce, his entire original intent in becoming Batman was to help others, and he uses intimidation/punishment as a tool to achieve that goal. Lamar in ways serves as proof of the effectiveness within the story that it has indeed worked. Bruce throughout the story however, can't realize that difference until the moment he finally meets Crane, and finally confirms the killer's "insanity". It becomes a major internal obstacle for him, and an insecurity that weighs heavily on his mind. (I mean imagine hunting a serial killer and slowly noticing how similar the two of you are,, I don't think it'd weigh lightly on anyone's conscience, let alone Bruce Wayne's of all people ksdfs- In ways it's also really similar to Arkhamverse's and the adjacent A Serious House on Serious Earth's Joker? With how they try and "prove" that Batman is just as insane as they are by attempting to repeatedly break him?)

Robin: Grayson as Robin throughout the story serves as a person to ground Bruce when he begins to start silently spiraling- questioning him, but never actually holding him back. I just really like how Grayson and Bruce's relationship is written within this comic. They're really close and crack jokes with each other, but it's revealed Grayson's been silently harboring internal fears of Bruce/Batman for a while. All completely unknown to Bruce until Dick's struck by the fear toxin. Throughout the story, Grayson sees Bruce's tactics and it's pretty clear both visually and through text that he seems to disapprove? Yet even then, he can't seem to bring himself to outwardly stop Bruce, supposedly out of fear? Despite that tho, Grayson still clearly cares about Bruce and tries to help him out, as seen in that discussion between the two where Bruce starts having his insecurities get to him again. (Also the way Dick is written here really reminds me of my boi Timbo from TNBA, and my favourite episode where he has to stop Bruce after he got dosed by Scarecrow's no fear toxin kdfkd- I think I'm just biased towards stories where robin isn't afraid to sass/take down Batman when needed??)

guhgh.. the way Bruce hesitates while asking Grayson if he's afraid of him...........

The final portion of the story is where it breaks down for me however, because I can't tell what exactly certain scenes are trying to convey? Which is why I'm also kinda making this post, bc I haven't found any other analysis of this comic that explains it/ this comic at all????? (Please if someone else reads the comic and gets it, tell me bc I'm,, just confused??? and I can't seem to find anything on this comic????)

Post-Bruce finding out Grayson fears him somewhat in a "god-fearing kinda way", I don't get why he becomes so aggressive with robin? Perhaps it's because he already had a plan in motion to catch Scarecrow and didn't want Grayson to interfere?? But then why not tell him the plan if that's the case???? And what's up with Bruce pinching Grayson's neck?? or the pinch paralleling the next domestic abuse panel? (My best guess is that it's meant to be a transition??? But if that's the case, I dunno odd choice imo)

And my final bit of confusion is why the fear toxin still affected Batman briefly if he made it so that it would work "specifically and only for scarecrows"???? Because that couldn't have just been a pretend fake-out if we see Bruce hallucinating his parents right?????

Overall tho, love this comic's story and art- Sean Murphy's angular, straight-edge, grittier, yet dynamic artstyle lends itself to the story so damn perfectly it's wonderful- Not gonna delve into it, but the visual parallels between the flock of crows and bats, and both Bruce and Crane reaching for the book were so cool to me dkfkd,, or the way Murphy's artstyle conveys Batman's brutality when taking people out mghhfghgj- Always a massive fan of these short story/series comics

[asfodelle]

As tragic as it is to see He Tian battle so hard to get out of what his family has decided for him, I’m gonna be screaming into the night about how sweet it is to see the other three be dead set on not leaving him behind.

Jumbled thoughts incoming

And like, it makes total sense at this point. Mo has been looking for He Tian like a compass seeking North whenever he’s not on sight and ZhengYi are Loyalty Personified but I love that all three not only wait for him, but take an active role to go and look after him. (And it’s Mo leading the operation!! And He Tian sees it!! And that he’s touched by it!!) They could consider he’s with his family and to not intervene, ZhengYi could be leaving together but nope, they were four when they arrived, they’ll be four when they leave. Which also makes me wonder if Jian Yi already has an idea of what could be going on, he’s already got kidnapped, is somewhat aware of his family’s endeavors and how they’re tied to He Tian’s. 

We’ve often seen both He Tian and Jian Yi being alone, pensive, surely burdened by what their future could entail. So far, we’ve had a better view into He Tian’s mind and where the antagonists want him but not a clue (unless I forgot them) as to what happens to TianShan during high school or when they’ll meet again precisely. Narratively, it would make sense for He Tian to leave now that they’ve made their bond official through the piercing but ya know, let me hope that they still have cute moments together before the big sad hits.

Almost on the contrary, the timeline for Jian Yi is set in stones but the motives and the amount of knowledge Jian Yi has about his fate at that point are a bit more blurry and more complex? (Like it would appear his mom and his grandpa have contradictory goals, maybe neither he nor his mom know what'll happen because why would he even enroll in high school?) And it might be wishful thinking but I badly hope pushing ZhengYi into comic relief has a purpose for the story more than just being a way for them to be included during the TianShan focused arc. Maybe Jian Yi is in a phase where he’s hiding his own anxieties and fears behind a facade of naivety and cheerfulness? All things that could return to hit him in the face when he sees He Tian can’t escape no matter how much he tries. 

To return to him, I have no idea whether we’ll still see what happens to He Tian once he’s separated from the rest but there’s a possibility we’ll have parallel storylines, him alone on one side, the other three on the other, and part of me would love to see that and learn more about his family dynamic but there’s also the possibility that he’ll just vanish for us readers, just like he’ll vanish from Mo’s point of view.

No clue how it’ll unroll because let’s be honest, TianShan is what caught a lot of the more recent readers and if we’re a little cynical, maybe the author doesn’t want to just cut them up completely for a very long number of chapters. I could totally see visual parallels of them alone in their respective rooms, we don't even know if they'll go completely no contact for years but if they do, it'd be harsh to just... not see He Tian anymore. Though Old Xian has very very often decided to not show us everything, so I wouldn't rule that option out completely.

Either way we’ll get long chapters of sad lonely Mo??? Thinking he was abandoned soon after coming to terms with his feelings??? Who still decides to keep the piercing and the guitar and to keep working hard????? So no matter what I’m getting my heartstrings played with but if we could have a little insight into the He family as a compensation and heavenly sent ZhengYi development, I wouldn’t mind it.