#I had only been out a couple of years
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As much as I am frustrated with people misrepresenting the democrats views and beliefs on certain things I am also frustrated with the way that people talk about how things will be if Trump wins the election. It’s not that I think nothing bad will happen at all, it’s that I’m seeing people basically state as fact that if that happens, it’s the end, it’s game over, there is no hope, and that is also. Not true. And combining that with how many times I’ve seen people, especially teenagers express that they will very likely kill themselves if he wins the election, it feels irresponsible for people to present this as if it is just “game over”.
I was 16 when Trump was actually elected as president. Leading up to that, I was being bombarded with messaging every time I got online about how if that happened, conversion therapy would be mandatory, it would become illegal to ever transition, my family members could potentially be deported, my friends and I would be killed for being queer and Trump was going to be a dictator for the rest of his life. Do you understand how fucking terrifying that is? To be 16, in a red state, too young to vote, no connections to offline queer communities, being told that me, my friends, my family, were all in danger of certain death if this man won, and the only way to stop any of that from happening was to vote? Trying to deal with mental illness, undiagnosed neurodivergence, 11th grade, AND all of that? It was horrible, it was a terrible thing to experience, and now another wave of teenagers are having to experience that and I feel awful for them because you should not have to worry about those things at that age.
Trump won that election, and I was fucking terrified. And none of that stuff actually. Happened. The harshest anti trans bills wouldn’t start coming out until Biden was president, same with roe v wade being overturned. Trump was a terrible president, as expected, and I sure as hell don’t want him back in office again, but also, please understand that in the event that does happen, it is not the end. The fight doesn’t end with the election, there’s still work to do, and there are still people out there trying to help, there are activist groups and organizations working to preserve and further our rights regardless of who’s president, to help people in unsafe states, there are transgender lawmakers involved in government fighting for us, we don’t have to just. Give up. And I feel like presenting the situation as if it’s “win the election or lay down and die” is horrible and absolutely irresponsible and contributing to this feeling people are suffering with that death is the only way out if he gets elected again, and that’s not the case. We shouldn’t be encouraging that kind of messaging, I know what it feels like to feel like it’s a life or death situation and that did fuck all to help me then, what would’ve helped a lot more was hope, was sharing of resources and even just reminders that as long as there are still people fighting for us, it’s not over yet.
#current events#us politics#it was such a horrible time to be transgender#I had only been out a couple of years#and I thought I would never get to transition#I’m starting T in a couple months now#I still have to fight my state that wants to take away those rights#but it’s not over
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"rhaenys could have ended the war by dracarysing all the greens right there" yes because a distant relation to the throne deciding to barbecue an anointed and publicly positively hailed king and his entire family who is well loved within the city and in multiple other parts of the country for the sake of the succession of a far-away princess no one was ever on board with who hasn't been seen by the populace in literal years, her psycho husband, her three obvious bastards, and two toddlers from the psycho husband would go over super well with westeros and especially in king's landing where scores of the still-cheering population were killed for no reason by that same dragon who would do the barbecuing, because when targaryens act unilaterally without thinking of how the people would react there's never any problem, which is why the storming of the dragonpit and robert's rebellion were actually just collective delusions dreamed up by readers who hate rhaenyra and not key parts of the story and house targaryen's history that directly contributed to their demise and are intrinsic to the plot
truly team black stans are made up of only the most genius and media literate amongst us
#personal#house of the dragon#anti team black#i mean i guess??#like the crowd was cheering for aegon HARD#and they were always on board with aegon#and the hightowers are a powerful house with a lot of allies#and alicent and helaena specifically were well loved by the people in king's landing and the realm at large#and none of them ever liked rhaenyra or daemon who again have been MIA for basically a decade already#and again targaryens overreaching their power and not taking the people into account#is the reason why their house fell into oblivion and now rests entirely on a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO IS THE ONLY ONE LEFT#if she roasted the dais the mob wouldn't have even let her leave they'd have killed her and meleys both in a heartbeat#storming of the dragonpit but a couple months earlier#the thing to remember is that i think a lot of team black stans are just kinda stupid#and do not care about the story at all or the actual intricacies of the world and its politics that is so important to the dance#(remember the rumors of rhaenyra mistreating helaena and alicent literally led to rhaenyra's death)#(because it led to the mobs and the storming of the dragonpit and the death of joffrey and her being driven out)#(and thus having to go to dragonstone where sunfyre got a little meal out of the whole debacle good for him)#(along with all of her ten million other shitty political decisions)#how do you profess to be pro-targaryen without even knowing targaryen history and where they erred and how that ended them#like *i* like the targaryens you guys have heard me talk about the conquerors all the livelong day#but i am also smart and i understand the world george created and the concept of repercussions#anyway yeah i am Annoyed at that new daemon clip (wow what a shock something annoyed me and had daemon in it)#(my least favorite character who could have foreseen this)
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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*posts this and runs away. i trip and fall into an open manhole, dying instantly*
#incoherent noises etc etc gotta say the line: Theyre In My Brain#fuck dude they sure are!!! they sure are.#oh my god when did it become seven. i forgot to sleep again. gonna make a breakfast taco instead#but yeah uhhhhh come get some laughingstock crumbs#pspspsps cmon take the morsel#tumblr is pigeons to me <3#scribble salad#welcome home#laughingstock#yassified howdy <3#can yall tell i never practice drawing kissing. like never. ever. lmfao#its never been part of my skillset but by Fuck i might buckle down and add it#ive just never had to learn!!!#for my entire life ive drawn primarily dragons - i actively avoided people!#and dragons dont have the facial anatomy to kiss 'traditionally'#so i simply never practiced or even attempted#i only started seriously drawing people a couple years ago#and scribbling characters making out is very far from my top priorities in Learning#even though i taught myself how to draw. hm. other things. somewhat.#my priorities are a mystery even to myself#Anyway anyway im tired and rambling and that taco is calling to me like the sweetest siren#and babey im ready to Drown#agh no wait im not done yet#puppets are honestly really difficult in this aspect#like??? their faces are so flat??? their noses are Strange? how push together????#dont get me started on the intricacies of perspective and im not sure how to tilt their heads properly yet#so for now Cringe!!! Cringe Alert!!!! Cringe on Main!!!!#sometimes i need to remind myself that it doesnt matter if i dislike pretty much everything i scribble. someone will dig it.
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Ada Wong & Leon S. Kennedy: The History [ Resident Evil 4 (2023) ]
#crimson's gifs: resident evil#Resident Evil#RE#Resident Evil 4#RE4#Resident Evil 4 Remake#RE4R#RE4MAKE#Ada Wong#Leon S Kennedy#Leon S. Kennedy#Leon Kennedy#Leon Scott Kennedy#Aeon#AdaLeon#LeonAda#Leon x Ada#Ada Wong x Leon S. Kennedy#Pairing: Keeping Score#im ngl to you please look at all the other Aeon footage ive previously edited in its full on youtube#from the 1998 og to fucking re2 remake and tell me you don't see how out of character their interactions in 4r are#Because I swear to god ive been working with their entire history of footage for this series for the past couple DAYS and its just mental#I ranted about Leon last set but its also Ada whos undergone a crazy fucking out of character streak too#Calling Leon a dog and shit is NOT how shes treated him at ALL in any other instance#Like in the og again shes outwardly caring and concerned for him in SW and the base game. She does NOT talk about him like that#Even in their later interactions like re6 shes still outwardly worried for him#The only piece of media that comes even close to that type of characterisation would probs be Damnation and even then#The whole movie segments with them is just dark flirting while on the job and theyre both in kinda bad moods so in there it makes sense mor#In RE4 its a reuniting after 6 years on BOTH sides. I loved Ada's new seperate ways and the bond she had with Luis but they massacred#How she and Leon treated each other and it makes me mad
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i like to think, as a hc or a theory (because it’s definitely possible), that charles has had a few kisses throughout his high school years, sure, but past that he’s undeniably a virgin– well, kind of undeniably, because I think he’d deny it if found out by trying to use technicalities (“I mean that one time there was friction involved–“), but to any reasonable person, and by occult standards (see: edwin being a virgin sacrifice), he’s a virgin.
and i think this because it seems like him to fib about his level of experience (like he did when agreeing he’d sleep with crystal, matching her level of casualness about it) when in the presence of people who do, actually, have experience, in the hopes he doesn’t come off as lame or childish. given what we know about his “friends” when he was alive, they seem like the type to have teased or bullied boys– especially in their own circle– who haven’t gotten laid, or at the very least would’ve thought less of someone for it. and given what we know about charles, i don’t think he’d be nearly as sleazy and inconsiderate as his group when it comes to landing girls with the primary intention of adding to his body count. and considering he’s only supposed to be 16? and has never mentioned any significant relationships pre-death? it just seems unlikely.
all that to say– I can see him maintaining that facade of experience and confidence literally right up until the moment it matters, and in the heat of the moment getting nervous and embarrassed because “uhhh. so I may have been exaggerating some things.” though he’s not totally clueless either, I think it’d take a bit of a soft heart to heart moment for him to be reassured enough that he won’t fuck up and hurt his partner to go any further.
anyway not sure what the relevance of this is, but it’s something.
#rambling#charles#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#that means almost definitely crystal is the only one who’s not a virgin. I don’t think I need to explain why#though that wouldn’t make intimacy particularly easier for her I don’t think. considering most of her experiences have probably been with#her Literal Demon Abusive Stalker Boyfriend#but I digress#trying not to put too much weight on ages when it comes to these kinds of headcanons/theories because. I mean. they’re not treated like#16 year olds by the plot nor do they look like 16 year olds at all and it really seems like they’re just sorta#pushing that fact off to the side and pretending it’s not there which frankly is understandable (but I do think since they already aged up#the characters from the comic they should’ve just went a couple years higher and everything would make more sense– just make them all 18#instead then crystal and niko renting rooms on their own would be feasible and edwin could still have been a student at the boarding school#when he died; just would’ve been in his last year instead of whatever he was supposed to be canonically)#buuuut that being said I think that as a teenager in general it’s far more common than not to be a virgin simply due to the fact that#you literally have not had much time to get that experience yet. among other reasons#so. incredibly normal. but charles’ friends were the type to pick someone apart for anything less than masculine#including proving one’s masculinity via getting a woman under you#sad. like I said though it’s not like he has no game or anything; he clearly had some experience in making out and whatever based on#the scene with crystal. plus he was confident enough in his abilities to take initiative. but beyond that. yeah#I think this is the more interesting way to go too when it comes to this topic. in addition to being in character
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A brain dump of thoughts after Agatha All Along ep 6:
Okay but like. The parallels between Agatha and Billy that we get to see now????
Both of their mothers chose to protect other people, complete strangers, over their own children??? Like. We know Wanda made the right choice, sacrificing her family for the greater good, but in her own twisted way did Evanora believe she was doing the same? Did she ever love her daughter? On some deep level, beneath the anger and hatred and warped sense of justice did it hurt her to try to kill her own child? She believed Agatha would bring countless death and destruction, that she was destined to be evil. As warped as her justifications were did she see it as a selfless sacrifice like Wanda's? Does that make it right? Does Billy have as much reason as Agatha to be angry with his mother for choosing to let him and his brother die? Do her truly selfless intentions matter to a child was just desperate to survive? Will he be able to forgive Wanda before that resentment is used against him? Is Agatha just trying to manipulate him by taunting him about Wanda or does she truly see a bit of herself in a child whose mother tried to kill him? (Edited)
Both of them were forced to do something horrible just to survive??? Agatha had to murder her own family. Billy had to steal the body of a boy who had just died. He had to pretend to be the child of these poor unsuspecting parents who just want their son back. Who have no idea their child is dead. The Kaplans will never get to bury William. He has to look them in the eye every single day knowing he's not really their son but what else was he supposed to do? He hates what he's doing to these people but what choice did he have? Could he even control it or did his soul instinctively seek out a new vessel to protect itself? Agatha was just a child who didn't want to die. Billy was just a child who didn't want to die. Were they selfish? Could they control it? Can we truly blame them if they could?
Both of them do terrible things when they feel backed into a corner or overwhelmed or emotional??? Things that they come to regret as soon as the emotions clear??? Billy looked horrified when he finally realized what he had done to Lilia and Jen but he's an intensely powerful and traumatized child who was overcome with grief and anger. Do we really think every single one of Agatha's kills was 100% self-defense? Do we really think she never killed someone in a fit of anger only to regret it after? And maybe Agatha has come to accept and embrace that now but she must have been like Billy when she was young. (Billy is literally the same age Agatha was when she killed her coven and was even younger when he took William's body) She must have been horrified at her power, at the things she did when she felt trapped. She must have bent over backward trying to defend herself and justify her own actions before realizing no one would believe she didn't want to do those things so she might as well embrace her power to its fullest potential ("I'm not that nice").
Both of them are walking the road for someone they lost??? I know Agatha says she's on the road for her power back but that's not how the road works, right? It doesn't give you what you want it gives you what you're missing. I think if Agatha was really able to get anything at all in the world, it wouldn't be her magic. Agatha is looking for Nicky. Billy is looking for Tommy. I don't know if either of them will really get that at the end but they are absolutely in this for the same reason.
I know there are mixed responses to this episode (at least when I first scrolled through the tag) but I for one really enjoyed it. I was really worried they were going to half-ass the explanation for why Billy was being Like This and fuck up one of the only queer Marvel Comics characters but comparing his actions to Agatha's and showing us this kid who is SO MUCH like how Agatha must have been when she was his age is so much fun actually. Like, it would have been really great but pacing-wise we probably couldn't have spent the necessary time going back into Agatha's past and diving deep into her progression from "scared child who does horrible things out of desperation for survival" to "cutthroat witch who is more than eager to hurt and betray others for her own personal gain". But we get to see it happen to Billy over the rest of the season and maybe even multiple MCU projects!!! Or maybe we'll get to see him make different choices. Maybe Agatha will be able to give him the chance no one gave her. Maybe history doesn't have to repeat itself. Maybe Billy's journey will give Agatha the chance to change her own story once and for all.
Idk this is really rambly and maybe my opinion will change as I think about it more but my first reactions are positive. Yeah on a meta level it sucks that the wlw couple is moving so slowly in their own show while the young, conventionally attractive mlm couple got to kiss within their first few minutes of screentime and they probably could have put in the effort to intentionally combat the miserable lesbians trope. But on a story level, I'm personally glad they're not rushing Agatha and Rio's arc. They're definitely going to get their moment but the reason they're so compelling is because of their history and the tragedy between them. We don't have all the details of what really happened between them yet but I don't think it's something you can just kiss and make up about. Billy and Eddie are teenagers with no real baggage between them. Agatha and Rio have possibly centuries of hurt and anger and betrayal to work through Let Them Cook! It'll be that much sweeter and their relationship is one of the CORE overarching plots of the show you don't want them to rush it. (Also I personally am too ace for the "we're gonna make up by having hot sex about it" type of conflict resolution and would have hated if Agatha and Rio were intimate before sorting at least some of their shit out but that's just me ik a lot of people would have enjoyed it and I'm sure it could have been really compelling but I actually cannot stand those kinds of plots most of the time.)
Also just keep in mind that the only other named queer characters we've had in the MCU literally ever are Phastos and Ben in the Eternals and like. Yeah it shouldn't have taken this long for a queer lead but the massive jump??? We went from one character (out of like ten mains) whose partner has minimal personality traits and like five minutes of screen time to a show with two main character on-screen queer romances!!!! In the Marvel Cinematic Universe??? And one of them is a season-long complex and interesting story that is a central plot of the series and not just half-baked fanservice!!! And one is just sweet innocent love between kids who care about each other!!! I do wish wlw stories didn't always have to come with attractive cis gay men but do y'all understand how huge this is for the MCU????? It shouldn't have taken this long and we can definitely criticize the negative tropes the show falls victim to but net positive progress is always something to be happy about. If you're not familiar with the greater MCU and the history of Marvel in general just understand that this is actually insane for them and I'm so excited for the doors that just opened for future queer storylines, but that can only happen if we show Marvel that, yes we do want queer characters being openly intimate on screen. Be happy for Billy, keep being happy for Agatha and Rio during all stages of their story and maybe we'll get to see more of this!!!
#i am literally gnawing at the walls about billy and agatha they're soooooo yes please give me more of this#yes this is agatha's show and she should be the center of it#yes we needed to see billy's backstory for his character to be fully-formed and to do the comics justice#two things can be true at the same time#again it is really frustrating on a meta level that the wlw couple had to get sidelined for an entire episode on their own show#but i also would have been really mad if they'd butchered such an important queer marvel character as billy kaplan#yes it's a very common trope of the wlw characters always suffering and fighting while the mlm characters just get to be happy#and the writers should be called out for it and we should be upset about it because they really should know better by now#yes billy and eddie are a monumental moment for the mcu and we need to celebrate that#because if they only see us angry about the SECOND EVER QUEER MCU COUPLE they'll use it as an excuse to cut queer storylines in the future#if y'all give them an excuse to think the reason you didn't like billy and eddie was because they're gay#and we get another twenty years of queerbaiting in marvel because yall couldn't be happy about baby steps for once i'm going to start bitin#ALSO ALSO last thing i swear but agatha harkness is not queer in the comics they GAVE us a new wlw relationship PLEASE be happy about that#agatha all along#agatha all along spoilers#agatha harkness#billy maximoff#teen agatha all along#mcu
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Actually on a bit more of a serious note, I'm not sure if there is anyone who could use this reminder, but regarding the tour and meet and greet tickets:
If you're new to this phandom or haven't spent much time around people who've talked about the old tours, meet and greets can sell out just as quick as like a legitimate popular artist, therefore!
Some tips when considering buying meet and greet:
° If you are at an age where you need a parent supervisor, please bring ONE parent! Especially if your parents aren't fans of DnP, please don't waste an extra meet and greet ticket if you don't have to
° If you are considering buying multiple, please make sure the people you're buying meet and greet tickets for actually want to meet dnp!!
° Dan and Phil will not accept gifts, they will take art and letters so please don't plan to bring anything that can't fit inside an envelope!
If anyone has any other experience and tips, feel free to add! I'm really hoping everyone can get the tickets they want, but I especially hope that people who have never had the chance before to meet Dan and Phil get their chance this time! ❤️
#dnp#dan and phil#like just please be considerate to the phandom#some of us have been fans for over a decade and only became adults in the last 6 years#missing the last couple tours#i have never had the opportunity to meet them before#and i really really want to be able to offer them a touch of poetry and the ability to see my compilations#and if meet and greet tickets sell out within 30 seconds im going to be genuinely destroyed#like pls for some of us this is all the money we have in our account#just be respectful!!!
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went to a comic store today and saw individual issues of idw sonic in person for the first time ever btw . epic win
#not that ive never been to a comic shop before its just the only.one thats anywhere near me#is one i didnt know existed until like a year ago because its in a weird spot#and their hours are very incompatible with the days/times im actually able to go around shopping#and ive also been to other places that sell comics they just never hvae idw sonic#ANYWAYS i got to go today and they had sonic yayyy . and i also got an issue of monster high new scaremester#because ive really been wanting to read that one and havent been able to find it online like . at all. nobody is archiving that thing ....#i only got issue 2 though because they were out of issue 1#and i didnt have a single chance to check for issue 1 when it came out. because of the previously mentioned scheduling curse#nervous that i actually spent money on it because idk if im even gonna like it#ive heard mixed reviews on it and the book that its a continuation of . but fuck it we ball#also if this store carries sonic idk how i never saw it before because i Have been a couple times in the past#maybe they just now started getting it recently?? or just happened to be out the last few times?? idk
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One trend I’ve always loathed is the one where people rewatch nostalgia tv shows/movies and then get on twitter to say some variation of “HOW did I never realize [Friend of the Protagonist who Has Flaws but is still ultimately Likable] is actually the DEVIL and [Antagonist Character Designed to be Awful] did NOTHING wrong!” Like I’m sorry what do you mean you love HSM1 Sharpay Evans but think Lily Moscovitch from the princess diaries needs to be punched in the face 😭 “Movie Villain vs Actual Villain” ENOUGH
#luckily this was more of a trend a couple years ago BUT STILL#like was it out of pocket of Lily to tell mia she’d thought she’d gotten over her dad’s death weeks ago? Yeah!#but the point of it was that Mia never knew her dad#and had probably made some comment to lily when it happened like well I never knew him so it’s fine#only to later realize it affected her way more than she’d thought (perfectly normal)#and lily (16 year old without a fully developed frontal lobe) wasn’t able to piece those layers together#anyway.#I think I also feel the same about the boyfriend in devil wears Prada but it’s been ages since I’ve watched so I can’t say for sure lmao
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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i feel like it’s kinda dumb but i’ve ALWAYS been weird about touch even when i want it…there’s always been some aspect of exchanging touch casually / familiarly that has never really “clicked” for me. like, i remember being young and seeing people/friends casually lean on or touch each other’s arms or pull each other close and it always felt like a language i couldn’t speak or learn. i think a lot of this had to do with being a closeted / kinda repressed kid / teen but it felt & sometimes feels frustrating. i felt very monstrous for a long time. i think there are years that have passed in my life where the time spent touching or being touched could be condensed into a handful of hours, if not less. much less the case now because i’ve got to a point where i’ll crawl around on franklin for fun & i get friends to roughhouse sometime. anyway, this problem exists to a much lesser extent today but i still notice & feel it but last night during a song a bar friend who i’ve known for, hell, five years peered over my shoulder and we leaned our heads against each other and sang and it, like, did something to me. also hugs are easy but i got kind of a long one from a new friend!
anyway, i am maybe not entirely made of spikes and fire
#exception to this was in middle school we’d punch each other playfully and it kinda became the only way i would do this and#i still do this#it catches people off guard sometimes and i’ve had people be like “ow? hello?’’#i’ve gotten good at doing it Way Less hahaha#the first time i did it to someone outside of my middle school friend group someone got kinda upset with me i felt bad#exception in adult life is mosh pits lol#omg wait i remember a couple years ago when i was getting my first covid shot my housemate held my hand and it was such a massively#impactful way to be cared for bc i’d come to feel like my body was an uncrossable barrier (outside of like. sex really)#anyway#i am happy and excited this morning! it’s been a hard week i’m happy to feel this way today#and i’m thankful for yesterday and the way it played out
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Kinda upset I wasn't invited back to perform for the annual drag show the year after I started using my wheelchair (and thus my university having to rent a wheelchair lift for the stage) and this is after performing for 6 years straight with no issues
#wrenfea.exe#i dont want to accuse my college of ableism#especially since they might have just forgotten to send the email invite#but ive never not received that email even after graduating#i found out they had the show a couple weeks ago#ive been planning my performance for the entire year too like putting together my costume and practicing#they only announced it on Instagram the week before the show so it was too late to audition#also i rarely check instagram anyway#idk its suspicious cause thats the only thing thats changed is me incorporating my chair#maybe they were mad they had to rent it for an ambulatory wheelchair user?#i doubt it was the hosts fault shes always been great#its been weighing on my mind
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In your lights out!au when Eddie wakes up, how did Frank feel? Was he happy? Relieved? Were they a thing before everyone went to sleep, or did they realize they had feelings for each other afterwards?
I hope this hasn't been asked before! I'm just really curious
i'm thinking that before everything went dark, they were getting there. nothing was said aloud, but they were both having Mutual Feelings and Charged Moments that neither could ignore
just because i think it'd interesting if when Eddie wakes up, it's like no time at all passed. he walked Frank home just last "night". but it's been years for Frank - they have to reestablish where they had been with the added facets how time has worn on Frank. among other things
#and they only get like 5-6 months to figure their shit out!#thankfully for the both of them frank is less inclined to keep up pretenses. he becomes a bit of a go-getter#cause he's like 'well its been years. im tired & im dying. fuck it we ball'#its that class The Apocalypse Speeds Up Relationship Development thing#not drastically! it still takes them a good couple of months#this is actually why i had eddie wake up before julie#i wanted him and frank to have Some time together#5-6 months isnt half bad i think. sorta#rambles from the bog#wh lights out au#to make a long story short#feelings were realized but not shared pre-dark#and post-dark they're shared and somewhat established#how established can you be in their situation!#as for how frank felt... A Confusing Tangle Of Emotions#too complicated to write out here really
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i rmr when all the initial meta around endgame was coming out people were talking about steve being depressed and whatnot and it's like well yeah but he's BEEN depressed, like he woke up alone in this century and he kept going, now i can understand it being worse this time after finding a family and getting bucky back and losing them all except of course that's not why endgame steve was on about so like......the people writing meta were trying to connect these things that of course weren't really there on screen because that simply wasn't our steve
but i think it really could've been SO interesting to see this is the thing that finally makes steve stay down like he's lost so much and he just CAN'T keep fighting like i get some people think that's what they were going for but considering the ending......it's really not. and so i'm just thinking about a version after iw, maybe he gets some of the thor treatment except not turning his depression into a dumb fatphobic joke lol and maybe nat and others are trying to get through to him and it just doesn't work and then we get some flashbacks (which you could have done for all the original avengers actually which would be particularly important for bruce and nat and clint who did not have their own trilogies) including his mom telling him "you always stand up" and THAT being the thing to finally get him moving like it would've been such a perfect way to finally show sarah rogers some respect and ACTUALLY show steve really struggling instead of whatever they tried to do with him in that movie
#steve rogers#mcu#anti endgame#why am i still rewriting this movie five years later#really though i think i rmr just trying to work through it all#and a lot of the meta i was reblogging initially still wasn't really accurate to endgame or the rest of the mcu#like they were still making steggy more important than it canonically was while trying to explain why it was a bad ending#and it's kind of like you can say steve would respect that peggy had a life and wouldn't interfere with it but that's about it like#going on about how he DID love her so much and just wouldn't be selfish enough to do those things#or that she was soooo important to his moral compass (hence why so many fic writers had her telling him to go back to bucky lol insanity)#are just not accurate lmao i do think much as she may be rightfully disliked#while canonically he did not LOVE her he did respect her even if we think that's annoying bc she's an asshole to him in catfa#but yeah no he had a moral compass before her i understand what people were going for with the compass being symbolic but like....#any time she said anything did he listen? except for maybe when she told him he was meant for more? it really doesn't seem like it#nor did he need it! jesus! the whole point of catfa is he was chosen for a REASON he was already a good man#he did not need peggy 'sure i'll let nazis into shield' carter to teach him shit#but yeah it was bc i followed one stucky blog at the time who was reblogging a lot of good shit but a lot of that nonsensical shit too#and i was just reblogging it all bc everything sounded better than endgame#and i really did start seeing more of the discussions around peggy where her culpability in catws hadn't even occurred to me#bc i was so in fic from the beginning of joining fandom that not only was their relationship made as impt as stucky#it was also made out like what happened to shield was hurting her legacy and it's like...but she had to have at least SOME responsibility#and yeah eventually it's like okay no it's not just that steve wouldn't Do That it's also that they would've been a terrible couple#and not only would he not be so selfish but he wouldn't give up everything for HER lmao but he would've for bucky as was shown over and ove
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