#I guess I’m just anxious idk
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I haven’t taken it out of the box yet
I have set up a new pc AND. Purchased a new drawing tablet so this means I will be able to do more digital art
#Freakova speaks#it’s guilt okay#I feel guilty to do so#and keep putting it off#I’ll do it either today or tomorrow#I spoke about it to my therapist it was eating me up so bad lmao#But I got it to do more art and work in my lil business#I guess I’m just anxious idk#I’ll do it I’ll do it okay 🫡
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New look, same great taste 😋🖤💋
I figured it was time to dust off Picrew instead of using a screenshot of an anime I found on google so - here’s this 🫣
#idk why I’m nervous to change my fucking PFP#I’m just an anxious lad I guess#anyway#newpfp#f3mdom#subby boys#subby puppy
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damn. this is genuinely the only space on the internet where I feel completely at peace.
#this sounds like such a FIRST WORLD PROBLEM but i've genuinely been having so many issues being online post-green day#my world kind of exploded and idk how to handle it#like my face is EVERYWHERE it's actually extremely overwhelming but i know this 5 minutes of fame is stupid and vain and won't last forever#plus i feel like i took too long of a break on my fandom blog and now idk what to do with myself there#i was never really good at fandom and it lowkey feels like tumblr fandom has migrated to discord#which is :/ because i don't have the spoons for that it's so fast paced and triggers my anxiety way too much#and i don’t have the brain power or motivation for any of my wips so it’s just. UGHHHHHHH#i’m barely free anymore since work has a chokehold on my life and when i am free i get too anxious to be online so i’ve just been a wreck :(#so IDK i guess this is all to say: thank you to the folks who stuck around on this account for my louis <3#i don't expect to be around much this month what with all the Spooky Season festivities but this acct is the best place to find me for now#*【 ❛I'm not the spirit of any age. ❜ 】 ➤ OOC
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urgrgrhrhrh i feel ODD. probably because it is late at night.
#i think i feel anxious… i’m worried abt things i guess#but idk what#and i’m having a lil moment where i jsut like. miss people i think#been thinking abt ppl i know who’ve died. and i think it’s kinda spreading and just making me miss. a lot of ppl#sigh.#arambles
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#well we were on the same page about everything and I’m still anxious 😅#on one hand - it’s good!#on the other - I still have forever until September#which means the future is vague#and there’s still all of the evil month February left#😑#idk bruh it’s just my brain overthinking#I have to keep reminding myself that I Can back out and that if it’s bad I Can move out after a year#but that just seems eons away and September seems eons away and I have fucking FEBRUARY#hell month fr#anyway. I’m going to see the substance I guess#I almost just wanna go home but then my brain will over think#miscellaneous#the one saving grace thing in the back of my head - the girl is open to a third roommate#idk why that’s bringing me comfort but
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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My boyfriend is on his way to Alabama (:
I just have to survive until Thursday night :)
Aaaaaaaaaaaa
What is wrong with meeeeeee
#excedrinpm#so really it’s just tonight and tomorrow night alone#I will be okay#today I’m off and Thursday I’m off so idk what to do rly#I guess I could clean but I’m so tired#I’m really honestly just listening to Stephanie soo and playing animal#crossing bc I’m trying not to be too anxious#hahaha
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#vent ahead sorry#i’ve just been in the worst. idk. fog#part of it is summer i hate summer#but i can’t convince myself that i am anything except supremely fucking annoying#i feel like nothing i do is quite enough#and the way i am is just weird and incompatible with living and socializing#and yeah i am genuinely anxious about being on tumblr lately because#i mean this has been how i’ve felt for a long time#i really don’t think anyone fucking likes me😭#it’s not like i talk to enough people for it to matter i guess but also why Would anyone want to talk to me#idk. i feel like everyone prefers other people over me#and it’s FINE that isn’t NEW i’m just. ugh#life has sucked so yeah i guess i have to be depressed to match it#delete later
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AHAHAHAHAHA *exhales in anxious social avoidance * SO.
#anxiety#adhd problems#I spelt anxiety wrong thrice with autocorrect#and I’m friends with two of my ex situationship’s friends#I feel like a middle aged divorced woman#with her hippie toxic ex partner/vegas situationship#who adopted kids to cope with their relationship dysfunction#but now are in shared custody and one kid likes lives at my house more#and the other kid lives at hers#but the one that lives at hers doesn’t want to#except he feels obligated#because he’s an anxious lil bitch just like his mom#and everytime he says he’s going to his mom’s house instead of mine im just like#ok#have fun my dear#eat your veggies#send me pictures#and the worst part is#I haven’t talked to this situationship in close to two years#and I forgot that she existed#and then I heard from someone that I was the rebound recently#and idk i guess i could never forgive her for that#I kinda was just like#oh#so u playin with past me’s feelings now#oHHHH#SO ALL THOSE ILYS WERE JUST REBOUND ILYS HUH#HUH#HMMMMM#interesante
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feeling very scared and alone in the club tonight
#crying alone in a hospital gown outside the OR earlier was a very humbling experience for me tbh#idk what I did to piss you off God but can you please just kill me instead in Jesus’ name I pray amen#all my irls and my online friends are either asleep or at work or school so I’m just#here kinda#and I’m so anxious I feel like I’m too much and ppl are just constantly silently begging for me to stop texting/talking to them#propofol ain’t helpin LMAOOO but at least I managed to prevent myself from sending poorly written annoying ass love professions this time#huge apologies to anyone I’ve ever loved for real#gonna try and sleep now I guess#we stay silly tho I promise#☁️
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just realized today while rewatching heartstopper that I accidentally did a nick nelson when I was in 8-9th grade (agreeing to go out with someone bc you don’t know how to say no) and I’m fucking shook nick why are we like this
#he was one of my best friends and I knew he liked me but I was avoiding it because I didn’t think of him that way#he was like the stop before me on the bus and right before his stop he asked me out and I didn’t know how to say no SO I SAID YES#got home. had probably one of my first panic attacks. called a friend I wasn’t really friends with anymore to talk about it (idk why) and#then told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship like 45 minutes later over the phone#he never talked to me again lmao#I *did* really miss his friendship throughout high school and there were always slightly weird vibes if we were ever in the same groups in#class but. oh well I guess#I messaged him a little over a year ago apologizing for it and we talked for a bit but I forgot to reply bc I’m bad at texting so it petered#out#why is this the anxious gay/bisexual experience fr#anyways watch heartstopper i love them sm i would die for nick nelson#also I’m just re realizing CHARLIE IS LITERALLY 15?!?!?!#HES SO YOUNG#THEY ARE FIGURING THAT SHIT OUT SO SOON#I was NOT emotionally ready for relationships at that age lmao#not leverage#jackie talks#about me#mine#heartstopper
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I start volunteering at the cat cafe in a couple weeks but I honestly don’t know what’s happening and I need full instructions on what I’m doing but they said they’d train me on the job but I cannot comprehend verbal instructions so i think ill die
#wdym you’ll just train me on the job?#i only drink water idk how to make cappuccinos and shit#I need practice man .#my support worker told them I’m autistic but nobody understands what autism is so 😭#i knowww they’ll expect me to do shit I can’t do and I’ll try and do it bc I don’t want to look stupid#but then I’ll look stupid bc I’ll do it wrong#- my life#I lit would rather just be in the back rooms cleaning out litter trays and shit#and looking after the cats#I don’t want to make drinks and talk to people#lmao#they haven’t told me shittt I just went to meet the manager and she was like ‘ok can u start then’ and I’m like???#u know nothing abt me what#I guess I’m not getting paid so surely they won’t expect much#im just anxious#cos I just get everything wrong#and it takes me a lot longer to learn how to do practical things . so ppl think I’m dumb as fuck :(
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Would you ever take four cocks at once ?
🤭
#like what#one in mouth#one in ass#and two in pussy?#in fantasy?#fuck yes#😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫#but in reality?#idk#depends on the people I guess#and the situation#like I’ve said I’m scared to fuck just one new person#4?!?!#I’m getting anxious just thinking about it lol#ask#anon
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do you ever just
#I’m kind of dying a little but it’s cool#I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today and I feel like I’m kind of regretting it 😖#I went in mostly concerned about my autism and adhd and prepared to talk about/deal with those#but then she ended up prescribing me lexapro for my anxiety#so I went and did a bunch of research on that but I’m kind of terrified of taking it#because it seems like a lot of people get nasty side effects especially at first#and like having anxiety isn’t fun but I can push through that even if I’m an anxious wreck about some things#but like my autism and adhd affect my life a lot more#like being totally overstimulated in public or not being able to hold my focus at all are a lot bigger deal to me#and I’m horrible at communicating with people especially in real time rather than over email or whatever#so I didn’t really properly get across my concerns and just sort of let her prescribe what she wanted#idk now I’m having doubts and I’ve never really taken meds before beyond otc stuff or like the odd strep prescription when I was younger#especially nothing that messes with your brain like this one does#plus I just really don’t do well with not feeling well or not feeling like myself so that kind of freaks me out#and I really should be sleeping rn but I just need to get this stuff off my chest I guess#it’s like things weren’t totally fine the way they were but they were *fine* you know#not changing things is just easier I guess#I just like to be prepared and researched and this psychiatrist took me off guard#I just don’t know what to do now#if anyone’s read this far- has anyone else with audhd taken lexapro for anxiety?#did it go okay?#im kind of scared of it now#😮💨 okay I really need to go to sleep now#anxiety#autism#Adhd#actually autistic#Vent post#i guess? It was really just in the tags
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I cannot believe I spent weeks and months agonizing over the sword trials and then here I go beating the final trials with four fairies to spare in one try
#I’m so mad I was so anxious about doing them again and it turns out that it’s not that hard#I mean I guess it shouldn’t have been too hard#it helped that I’ve been getting better at parrying guardian beams lol#I was hoarding meals and being so careful and it turns out that I’m just too good lmao#ITS FINALLY OVER I HEARD YOU FI ILY#JUST IN TIME TO GET ALL BROKEN FOR TOTK LMAO#I forgot my gaming tag oh no#uh maybe illl just make a new one#andromeda plays games#or something idk it’s like 2 am
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I may actually get CoAi week done. Is it gonna be perfect? No. Is it close to what I envisioned in my head when I first plotted this idea? Also no. But am I sorta on track? Debatable… where was I going with this? See, I’m not cut out for this writing thing. Who let me attempt this? Oh that’s right, me. It’s me, hi I’m the problem, it’s me.
Update: unrelated but there’s a storm approaching and yet I was emotionally wrecked before it even hit cause I’m a basic bitch with daddy issues. I really cannot wait to be away from the bay blues. So yeah, I didn’t make any progress on CoAi week and it’s literally coming up this week. *sigh I guess the good news is I am finally on chapter 6? There’s just a lot and I’m tired of everything (my tags, how foolish I was just 24 hours ago. I cry. I’m still a believer and I don’t know why.)
#cynful babbles#at this rate I’m just going to be happy if I make the deadline#there’s so many things going on still and I’m just exhausted#I get to see my mommy for a few hours tomorrow though#and I get to go home soon! idk when yet but it’s soon#so there are good things to look forward to. but I’m incredibly stressed and anxious#but also excited about CoAi week I love being a fangirl and I miss it being my full time job#seriously why did I decide to try writing? worst decision ever#I say as I plan to see my WIPs through *sigh#curse my inability to give up. loyal to a fault it’s why I’m still here I guess
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