#and i don’t have the brain power or motivation for any of my wips so it’s just. UGHHHHHHH

[sangcreole]

damn. this is genuinely the only space on the internet where I feel completely at peace.

[staceymcgillicuddy]

WIP Wednesday

Okay, so here’s my foray into @hellcheeranniversaryweek and their wonderful WIP Wednesdays. I’m not comfortable posting snippets of any of these yet, as they haven’t gone through my intensive (read: obsessive and ridiculous) editing process, but in the spirit of the challenge I’m sharing the premise, why I wanted to write it, and where I’m stuck on each. Mostly, I got super excited about the starts, then fizzled out on the execution. 

If any of them sound like something you’d want to read, let me know! Engagement = motivation to my silly little brain. (And hey, I already made some graphics!)

WIP #1: Summertime Blues

Premise: It’s the summer between Eddie’s first and second senior year, and he’s working for a friend of Wayne’s so he can make extra cash to put toward the van he’s desperate to buy. The friend runs a landscaping company, so Eddie’s out mowing lawns. Cue: the Cunninghams. A pool, a pretty girl, a bratty little brother, and hormones in the summer heat. 

Why? Because I liked the idea of exploring a “what if” that had them getting together when they were younger rather than older, giving me the chance to explore an Eddie who hasn’t entirely found himself, and a Chrissy who’s still figuring out what ‘good’ looks like when it comes to a boyfriend.

Where I’m stuck: I really like the premise, but I’m having trouble finding the there there. I think, ultimately, I want it to follow the structure of a romance novella, but I don’t want to overlap with what I’m already doing in Soul. So, I don’t know, I was hot to trot on it for a while and then I kind of burned out. Maybe I should just post the first chapter and see if that re-inspires me? 

WIP #2: Kinky 90s

Premise: Somehow Chrissy and Eddie both end up in the same early 90s BDSM scene in Indianapolis. Eddie’s been in it for a few years, and he mostly doms. Chrissy’s newly single (maybe divorced) and feeling herself for the first time in her life, exploring some desires she’s never let herself think much about. Leans Dom!Eddie/Sub!Chrissy, but because it’s me, there will be power dynamics and switching and examination of what those roles actually look like in a functional relationship. I wanted to write a series of one-shots, starting with one where they run into each other at a munch, maybe, and transitioning into various scenes where they explore their kinks while 100% falling for each other. 

Why? I wanted to research what BDSM communities were like in the 90s, before the ease of having Fet and other online spaces to find people. How does a woman find her way in safely, and what does community look like when you can’t vet people quite as well as you can these days. I like the idea of Eddie working in the city, getting by, and dorking out about floggers and rope the same way he used to dork out about D&D. Plus, I wanted to write them having kinky sex. I am a simple creature. 

Where I’m stuck: I kind of wanted them to dance around getting together for a while, but the innate attraction is so goddamn strong it’s hard to put roadblocks in their way. Which is usually a sign I need to STOP trying to put roadblocks in their way and find another source of conflict instead. The nice thing about this one is that if I wanted to, I could just post a one-shot every so often and let it be what it is. So maybe I will.

WIP #3: Pegging One-Shot

Premise: Chrissy pegs Eddie. 

Why? I like the idea of them being in an established, happy relationship and discovering something new and a little taboo (to them). 

Where I’m stuck: Figuring out how to actually get to the part where they talk about it. My initial thought was that Eddie brings up anal as a thing to try, and Chrissy’s like “you first” but that doesn’t really feel like them, because I feel like they’re pretty sexually compatible, overall. So, I don’t know, I’m noodling on a few different ways to approach it that feel authentic to both their characters and the time period. Where, again, there isn’t this wide world of porn and helpful hints at their fingertips, and you can’t order a bespoke strap-on from Etsy. If this does get done, it’ll be a one-shot, so at least there’s that. 

And that, as they say, is that! I have other ideas, but nothing I've actually written significant wordcount on. Thanks again to Hellcheer Anniversary Week for fun prompts, and getting me to revisit these guys all over again!

[leslie-lyman]

Tumblr Writer Q&A

Thanks for the tag @oonajaeadira! 😘

1) How many complete fics/one shots do you have that you have not published (yet)? Zero. My gremlin brain does not understand the meaning of “delayed gratification.” If I finish something, I post it.

2) How many WIPS do you have right now? About a dozen? Obviously SAMG is the only one I’m currently posting, but I’ve scribbled down bits of yet-to-be-posted stories for Whiskey, Din, Marcus Pike, Max Lord, Ezra, Javi P., Frankie, Zach, and (the only non-Pedro boy) Loki.

3) Do you take writing requests or write original ideas, or both? I don’t currently take requests. Sometimes writing to a prompt is good and fun for me, but I know if I open requests they’re just gonna turn into a source of guilt and anxiety over how long it takes me to answer them.

4) If you do take requests, how many do you currently have? So I don’t obviously have any typical requests, but I have been keeping a little running list of SAMG scenarios that various people have mentioned to me that they might like to see for Pero and Tessa that I may do a lil something with once the actual main fic is done. But it’s maybe like 3 or 4 such scenarios.

5) How many fandoms do you write for? Right now, just the Pedro Pascal cinematic universe and Loki. Though I have been making my way through Daredevil lately, and it has been giving me some thots…

6) Are there any fandoms you wrote for in the past that you no longer write for? I mean, when I was in middle school I wrote fic for LOTR and Artemis Fowl, but those never went anywhere beyond my notebook. I haven’t touched my Loki fic in almost a year, but I’m just waiting for the motivation to come back to me.

7) Do you write for ships, reader inserts or other? Both! Most of my WIP series have an OFC, but my one-shot WIPs are reader insert. OFC is just easier for longer stories, I find, plus I tend to have a very clear idea of who these OFCs are and what makes them a good partner for whatever Pedro boy they’re paired with. I haven’t yet tried my hand at a particular ship between two canon characters, but never say never!

8) Niche fandoms/characters you write for? Not yet! Unless you want to count some of the smaller Pedro boys as niche characters, like Zach? Who, oddly enough, was the first Pedro boy I ever wrote anything for.

9) Do you read fics as well as write them? Are you kidding me? Not a day goes by where I don’t read fic.

10) What is your favorite genre to write for? Romance, baby.

11) What is your favorite trope (to read/write)? To read? Oh god so many. Any and all classic romance tropes: there’s only one bed, oh my god they were roommates, snowed in, friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, fake dating, give me them ALL. I’m also a total wh*re for a/b/o and that thing where the dark, powerful, reserved male character is soft and vulnerable and loving for one (1) woman. To write? Well I always thought I preferred enemies to lovers but only one of my fics (the Loki one) features that trope. Literally all the others are some version of friends to lovers so what the hell do I know. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

12) What do you do to get motivated to write? Reading or watching the source material. Reading other people’s fic or seeing other people’s fanart. People reblogging/commenting on/being supportive of my writing! And, I’ll be honest, taking my ADHD medication.

13) Is there a trope/genre you like to read, but not write? I love reading the absolute filthiest smut (including monsterfucking), but I’m still a newbie to writing explicit stuff of really any spice level and need to get more comfortable with it. I find writing smut to be very draining, but I intend for all of my upcoming WIPs to be explicit so I’m hoping that, as with all things, it will just get easier with practice.

14) Any characters/fandoms you want to write for that are never requested? So there’s not really a Pedro boy that I don’t want to write for, I just haven’t figured out the right story for the ones I didn’t list above as being on my WIP list.

15) How long have you been writing fanfiction? Like a mentioned, I started writing fic in middle school. I stopped in high school (though creative writing was something I never gave up in its entirety, I even took a class on it in college). Though the one exception was for an English class I took in 12th grade that was more sci-fi/fantasy focused. We watched movies like The Matrix and episodes of Lost and read books like The War of the Worlds and The Handmaid’s Tale, and for our final project we could do something creative instead of a formal essay. And I wrote the first chapter of a Lost/Handmaid’s Take crossover fic in which Offred was a passenger on flight 815. Only time I managed to write fanfic for a grade. 😂 Then I took up writing fic again in October 2020 when I started my Loki fic, but didn’t post anything online until my Whiskey one-shot in October 2021.

16) Did you read fan fiction before you started writing? Yup. I somehow found MuggleNet’s Harry Potter fanfic archive when I was like…eleven? Twelve? And then found ff.net not long after that. I mostly stopped reading fic in high school, then came back to it with a vengeance in early 2020 when I got very into the Reylo fandom and started reading fic for that ship.

17) Do you only post on Tumblr, or any other sites as well? I have an account on AO3, I just haven’t posted anything there yet. But I’m sure I will once I take the time to figure out how to post over there.

18) What do you personally consider the word counts of “Drabble”, “One shots” and “fics”? Hmm. I’d say anything under maybe 800 words or so is a drabble to me? One-shots are anything you post all as one single complete story (including things that are drabble-length). Fics are any and everything.

19) Which do you prefer to write more? HC, drabbles, oneshots/fics, multi chapter stories, other? I’m nearly incapable of doing just a one-shot, slice of life-type story. My brain is always like but we need more detail! We need a whole convoluted plot! We need to take this one scene you have in your head and turn it into a giant multi-chapter story! Related: my brain is fucking exhausting to live with.

20) Are there any stories you have discontinued? If so, why? No. Not yet, at least. I don’t know for sure if all of my WIPs will see the light of day (I hope so), and if they do, I’m not certain they will all make it to the finish line (I hope so). But I’ll cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

21) What is one of your main “pet-peeves” as a writer on Tumblr? When people get anonymous hate. It’s so gross and awful and cowardly and completely out of line. What the hell went wrong in your life that made you think it’s okay to be cruel to others?

22) Do you write a particular time of day? Eh, not really? Sometimes I manage to do a little writing mid-morning because that’s when the ADHD meds really start kicking in. But other times I write in the evening after dinner, or really whenever the inspiration strikes.

23) Do you listen to music, ambiance/noise, etc to write or do you need silence? Sometimes I listen to music, but ideally it needs to be without lyrics. I’ve listened to a lot of YouTube compilation videos of various Christmas music while writing SAMG. But for the most part I prefer silence so I’m not distracted.

24) Do you outline your fics at all before writing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I wish. Sometimes I try to outline things, but it never really sticks (again, trying to live with my brain is exhausting). I also write things completely out of order, which does not lend itself well to outlining. What I have done a few times is write down timelines that are relevant to certain fics and I’m trying to figure out how parts of the story fit in and relate to canon events, and how old certain characters would be when those events take place (looking at you, Narcos and Mandalorian WIPs).

25) Do you post your writing as soon as you finish it, or do you schedule it to come out at a specific time/day? Again, delayed gratification? I don’t know her. The second it’s ready to go, I hit post, even if it’s the middle of the night.

No pressure tags (and plz start a new post if you answer!): @ezrasbirdie @jazzelsaur @whataperfectwasteoftime @green-socks @radiowallet @iamskyereads and anyone else who wants to play, I love hearing about other peoples’ writing habits!

[theyre-just-blocks]

What if I said I’m working on a Royalty AU?

I saw the concept of a royalty AU for the SMP and my brain just had to start thinking up of all kinds of things and now, several documents of  planning, character references, timelines, war outlines, and plot ideas later, I’ve got a single chapter. 

I don’t think I’ll post it to A03 or anything anytime soon because the whole thing is still a WIP but I’ll put a part of the chapter underneath the cut if you wanna get a sneak peek into it. 

It loosely follows the events that happen in the smp, but I’ve changed several things to make this AU a little more of it’s own, separate of the story it’s based off of. So the characters and the character relationships/dynamics are pretty much the same, it’s just events are switched around a little.

I’m wary about starting it because I know I might not finish it, but I have so many ideas for it and so maybe I’ll have just enough motivation to finish this one arc.

Hope you enjoy the little snip bit!

Eret sighed, pacing back and forth in their office as they muttered under their breath, the scraping of their grand purple cloak just a little louder than the muttering and whispering. 

In a few days time, all the families of the main Kingdoms would arrive in the SMP Kingdom to discuss terms of possible peace. 

The thought made Eret shiver in both excitement and nervousness. 

Most of the kings that Eret would meet with were no strangers to war. Unlike him and Emperor Schlatt, these kings had seen constant fighting between kingdoms for years. And though Eret and Schlatt were both new, younger kings, they still grew up during those tragic times, they still knew about the terrors of war. Eret ruled through a few years of war during the War of the Seasons and they knew Schlatt had fought as a knight through the war as well.

And though relatively peaceful now, the Badlands and the Redstone Kingdom used to be ruled with ruthless dictators before the current kings took the throne. Being a demon of sorts, King Bad had been around for a long while and would wage war on neighboring kingdoms just to have some fun. It was how he was able to expand his territory so quickly, consuming anything and everything in his path before Eret’s grandparents had to put a foot down during the Diamond War by offering information on the Antarctic Empire in exchange for King Bad’s promise to not expand any further. 

True to his word, Bad took the information and used it against the Antarctic Empire to acquire the little resources of gold and gems that they had and continued to mess with the other kingdoms in evil fun before meeting King Skeppy who seemingly brought some sense to the demon. After their meeting, the Badlands backed off from war directly and instead focused on building up their kingdom in the new territory they acquired. 

Meanwhile, the Redstone Kingdom was notorious for causing devastation and destruction due to it being ruled by Creepers, an explosive creature native to the Redstone Kingdom. They were known for being the spark to light the fires of war, destroying other kingdom’s monuments and blaming another for the doing. Several wars started because of them before Sam took the throne and vowed to try for peace, hiding his Kingdom away and watching as the others fought each other from a distance. 

But even then, the rest of the kingdoms would force Sam’s hand into war, asking for resources, asking for help, and Sam had no choice but to listen and led the kingdoms a hand or two. It was how the kingdom grew into the absolute wealthy powerhouse it is now. Even if blood wasn’t spilled on their lands, they were just as guilty of bloodshed as everyone else.

And there was no one more guilty than the Antarctic Empire. With the rise of Emperor Philza and his twin sons, the Empire proved to be a brutal force to be reckoned with. What they lacked in territory and resources, they made up in strength and warriors. 

So often they started wars in hope of expanding territories and so often would they fail to accomplish their goals in a way that was satisfying to Philza. But time and time again they started up fights and battles, usually with Philza and his son, Technoblade at the frontlines.

Manburg, on the other hand, was a newer Kingdom. It had broken from the SMP territory and fought for independence brutally before Eret’s grandparents gave up and moved resources to fight the Antarctic Empire instead, leaving them to build up their Kingdom on their own. 

What had started out as “L’Manburg” quickly rose to power despite having such little territory. In wars they often teamed up with the Antarctic Empire, as the two shared the similar lust for expanding their territories. 

Schlatt had come to power near the end of the Great War, called so due to the magnitude of the war. All the kingdoms had been involved with it, even the Badlands and Redstone Kingdom, each of them determined not to be wiped off the map. 

Nobody said it, but everyone knew that Schlatt used the war to his advantage. He used his skills to gain power as the King, not earning the crown through inheritance, but rather through a silver tongue and perhaps a silver blade into the former King’s back. There wasn’t much proof though on the issue, but he got the throne and fought viciously in the war as a knight alongside his older sister, bringing great power to his kingdom and changing the name from ‘L’Manburg’ to just ‘Manburg’.

They were just coming out of the time of the Great War. A temporary truce had been called out between the five kingdoms, each of them too tired to continue and too low on resources to want to risk anything else. Marburg had the death of the Queen to worry about and the rest of the Kings had children to look after, as Eret believed sons had been born to both the Manburg and Antarctic Family during that time of war. 

With a sigh, they rubbed their temples, stopping in their pacing. They knew that it was risky to stop all the fighting and hope for peace after the summit, but after about a year of relative peace between the five Kingdoms, they believed they had a shot. 

For two weeks, the Kingdoms would interact and talk things out. Perhaps treaties and alliances could be made between them all after they spent that much time together. Eret had hope that things would go well, as it was a good thing that all Five Kings agreed to meet and bring their families to Eret’s castle to spend the two weeks in. 

It showed a level of trust between them. It showed that the Kingdoms trusted Eret and each other just enough to agree to this Summit without thinking that it was some kind of trap. 

“And if anything,” Eret muttered, looking up at a painting of their parents hanging behind their desk, “I’m sure they’re just as tired of war.” 

They sighed and gave a light shake of their head. Everything had to go perfect, nothing could go wrong. There couldn’t be any unnecessary tension or fighting, or another war could be well on it’s way. 

“My Majesty,” the voice of the head of Eret’s knights, Captain Puffy, pulled the Ruler out of their thoughts. 

Turning around, Eret saw both Puffy and Hbomb, the highest ranking knights, kneeling before them in silver armor. 

“Yes?” Eret asked, clearing their throat of the sounds of worry. 

Standing, Puffy gave Eret an easy smile. “We’ve just gotten word that the Kings and their families are on their way to the Kingdom. The first should arrive two days from now.” 

Nodding, Eret smiled, “Perfect, is everything in order?” 

“We’re working on it,” Puffy answered, “but I can assure you that everything will be ready by the time they arrive. You’ll have nothing to worry about.” 

Eret gave a sigh of relief, “Just what I wanted to hear. Thank you Puffy, thank you Hbomb,” the two nodded, “you are dismissed.” 

The knights gave their Ruler a salute, a fist to the chest, before turning and taking their leave out of Eret’s office.

Eret’s smile faded as they exited. Walking slowly over to one of the large windows overlooking their expansive Kingdom, Eret stood with their hands behind their back, a single hope hanging from their lips,

“You’ll have nothing to worry about…”

[creamypudding]

Woeful WIP Wednesday

Hi! This is the start of my Woeful WIP Wednesday series of posts which will happen on Wednesdays, duh. And before anyone gets up at me about it not being Wednesday yet... just remember time zones exist in this world, and yeah, it is actually Wednesday.

Other things about the name... Most of these WIPs I'm happy with so it's not the actual stories that are woeful. It's the fact that they are still WIPs and not finished that is woeful to me, hence the name, yeah? Ok 😄

So with that out of the way...

I've gone through all my folders and found the various bits and pieces of writing I've begun and let slide or abandoned. My hope is that by letting them be free on Tumblr I might either A) remember that these stories exist, B) perhaps get a renewed appreciation and motivation to poke them, C) give myself permission to never look at them again.

Some of these WIPs I 100% mean to finish one day. Some I know I won't. Some I have actually finished but haven't polished completely or something's getting in the way of me doing a final pass so I don't consider them worthy of going onto my Ao3 account just yet but hopefully will one day.

The WIPs I'm gonna upload are also of various lengths. I have some completed chapters that are thousands of words long, I have some that are mere hundreds of words long and are slips of ideas I started to formulate.

I have 10 AkuRoku WIPs and 6 Zakkura ones. Each week I'll post one WIP and the pattern will be 2 AkuRoku WIPs followed by 1 Zakkura to mix things up a bit. I'll blab a bit about the WIP and post the full WIP under the cut.

If there is anything in particular people would like to know about the stories or the creative process in future posts please let me know and I’ll incorporate more information if people are interested in that sort of thing. If you give me direction I can follow through.

I hope you will enjoy these WIPs and I trust you'll judge them way less harshly than what I judge my own writing.

So anyway, kicking things off I have a very short and sweet AkuRoku WIP. 

I started this in May 2019 and it's technically 'done' but I haven't posted it because it's not done to my specific level of 'done-ness'. All it needs is a little polish. A little editing here and there. Fixing the grammatical and spelling errors, and fleshing it out in a few spots perhaps.

It's the 'fleshing out' bit that hasn't happened and that's truly stopping me from considering this a finished product.

This story is called ‘10 ways to fall in love’ but I never came up with 10 scenarios which I suspect is why this story will never be finished. I could change the name of it and if I ever post it I will change the name of it. In fact, most of the WIPs I post would have different names if they ever do go up on Ao3.

But going back to this specific WIP— it is a canon story spanning Days, KH2, KH3, and after, which is maybe the biggest culprit in regards to why I never finished this story. I don’t do well with canon-based story telling. It’s too much pressure to get everything canon-compliant. Do people ask for things to be right? Probably not so much, but my brain is very hyperfocused on getting things right, which is a huge road block to my creativity and the reason why I prefer AUs.

I don't have much else to say about this story but if you enjoy this, or any of the other WIP’s it would be great if you would let me know.

If others are passionate about these stories it might make me passionate about them again. But who knows.

Rated G

Word count - 951

10 ways to fall in love

What do you call it?

This feeling I have?

Love?

No. Too strong, or not strong enough

A name

A special name

Your name

It was always your name

That made me feel like I had a heart

They didn’t have a name for it. They didn’t even know if what they felt was real because how could a Nobody feel anything. For Axel it was just a ghost of a memory of his old life. For Roxas it was an endless source of confusion because these strange sensations fluttered in his body all the time when he was around Axel. It was incredibly dull at first but grew exponentially bigger with the passing days.

He couldn’t reconcile that even the most tedious missions were made fun when they were around each other - though he shouldn’t be able to have fun without a heart. What were any of the experiences that ever happened between them, without a heart? They felt nothing. They were Nobodies. They couldn't be anything other than empty husks.

That had always been the greatest lie which had been told to them, which they chose to believe, until it became impossible, though the denial sat rife in the way they denied their joy, sadness, and anger. But the strongest denial flowed from the warmth and nameless affections that fluttered in the chest and stomach when they were together. Such a thing was most unbelievable of all and merely a figment of the imagination - a vestige of when they were Somebodies, a quiet echo in a vast nothingness of their actual existence. Even for Roxas, with his half-formed ideas of his Somebodies life.

But none of these things mattered because Roxas disappeared and Axel died.

"He made me feel like I had a heart." A quiet whisper of a thought, made real and said aloud finally crumbled the paper-thin veneer which Axel had clung too, all too late to do anything about.

And he is reborn, and now knows better. Lea knows better. He understands his returned heart which aches and bleeds broken and shattered even as it is physically whole inside himself, pumping blood. His soul has gone, reappearing for fleeting moments when he sees Sora get a certain look in his eyes, or uses a turn of phrase. A spark exists and it jolts Lea every time closer to awareness - closer to a name.

And then he is in that most miserable of places, fighting a war that might never be won, but he must try because the promise of what lies ahead if he does win is worth every risk. He fights for his friends, present and gone, and then out of almost nowhere Lea's heart is returned and whole and stronger than ever before, and his memories are back, and he holds the two people most dear to him. He cannot lose them again and does everything in his power to protect them both, and it is a safe feeling because it stops him from thinking too hard or feeling too strongly the flutters and warmth, and the soothing in his heart.

But he feels it all again, and let's himself be overcome by it as the never-setting sun of Twilight Town is observed with his most favorite people in the whole wide world sitting next to him.

He scooches a little closer, seeking the warmth and reassurance of Roxas next to him. The tinkling laugh builds his own and drips deep down into his body and soul to become the best sound he's always known to miss.

Happiness engulfs him. But it is not the word he looks for when he sees Roxas walking, talking, laughing, grumbling, and eating ice cream. It is so much bigger and all-encompassing than this miniscule word for a feeling..

"I never stopped wanting you back. I never stopped fighting to get you back," he confesses in the evening on Destiny Island, during a rare moment alone on this summer vacation full of reunions and happy tidings.

"I know. I saw, I heard."

"You did?"

Roxas nods and swings his legs as they dangle off the pier the both of them at sitting on.

It warms Lea’s heart to know Roxas was never far away. “I think I felt you – there in Sora. When he got angry and frustrated.”

Roxas laughs. “I was always angry and frustrated in Sora. Everything felt so warm and fluffy inside of there.”

“Realy? Why would that make you angry?”

“Because it’s like eating nothing but honey – you get sick of it,” Roxas shakes his head, “But it’s worse because someone else is force-feeding it to you.”

"It's ok. Just seeing you – knowing you were there wanting to get me back was enough." Roxas leans, Lea receives and the feels which are always right there, in the middle of his chest ignite and burn so bright.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to help you."

Lea hugs him tight, almost too tight. Roxas writhes against his arms and just as Lea makes to let go Roxas gets his own arms around Lea and squeezed him, robbing him of his breath for a few seconds, but Lea feels he could happily die in Roxas' arms and savors the crush.

They both end up laughing against each other, inhaling deep breaths, rubbing their cheeks against each other and leaning their foreheads together.

Everything they ever felt for each other is still there, but stronger, because they have hearts and acceptance of their reality.

"Axel," Roxas' breath tickles Lea's lips. He doesn't care to correct Roxas. Roxas could call him a heartless and he wouldn't care because Roxas is back and with him.

"I don't want you to ever disappear again," Lea murmurs.

"I don't want you to ever suffer again," Roxas apologizes. 

Lea cups Roxas' cheek, which is so soft and warm. "I never will as long as you're with me."

[kittenshift-17]

I'm a fic writer and I'm currently starting to get writing burn out. do you have any tips for getting through this? (I'm even burnt out from reading fanfic, so I don't even know what I'm doing with my life at this point)

Oh my gosh, I have an answer for this!!! Mostly because I have been living that feeling for about 8 months now and I know it's killer.

So first thing I recommend is set aside a day for yourself where you have nowhere to be. You got plans, rearrange them. You're gonna take a nap. A long one.

Tell yourself the following about writing: "It will be there when I'm ready. No one is depending on my writing solely for their survival. My mental health matters too."

And then have a glass of warm milk or a chamomile tea if you're lactose intolerant. Go to the bedroom. Jig the temperature to whatever provides you optimal comfort - for me, it's fan on high, air con set to as cold as it goes, and (I shit you not) 9 blankets. It's a weight thing, but I'm too cheap to buy a weighted therapy blanket.

Anyway. Do these things. Tuck yourself in. If you have a lover, ask them to tuck you in and request a lingering forehead kiss if they don't offer one of their own volition. If you don't have a lover, grab a pillow, you're gonna wanna spoon that bad boy (I do this every night, much to Boyfee's amused irritation 🤣). Turn off your phone, or set it to silent with no alarms, no notifications, and no means for interrupting your nap before you're good and ready.

Now, if you're anything like me, 3 things are gonna try and happen. Either you're brain is gonna start pointing out that you're not tired and could be better using this time. Or it's gonna start the guilt-cycle about needing to write, to read, to be in any way productive. Or, the worst one, "all that bullshit" is gonna start with the gag-reel of guilt and regret and embarrassing memories from your past.

And no one wants that shit, so we're turning that part of the brain off. Here's my method:

1. Think about your story. No, not about how you said you'd have a chapter ready this week. Think about the story. The actual plot. The characters. The hook. Doesn't have to be your main WIP. It can be anything. Any story. Old. New. Freshly invented. Doesn't matter. The idea is to actively think about a story and engage your imagination. Think about the characters. Call their image forth in your mind. Do they have dark hair or light? Are they short or tall? What are they wearing? Why are they wearing goth-metal get-up? Are they undercover? Is it a phase? Have they finally hit on their signature look? It's kinda hot, right?

2. Think about their motives. What's the plot? Are they going somewhere? Why are they plotting world domination? Did they have too much Red Bull this morning? Is a sugar crash imminent? Are they diabetic? This could take a turn. Oh, hey look, hypoglycaemia has resulted in a hot doctor appearing on the scene! No one should look this good in scrubs, right? It's literally not fair. Wait... hot doctor is saying something. They have a nice voice.

3. Let your imagination run wild. You don't need to remember the details. Pretend it's a dream until it becomes one. If you wake up with the burning urge to write, all the better, but that's not the point of this exercise, so don't be afraid to think up crazy shit you would never dream of writing. The goal is to trick the brain into pleasant distraction and to lull yourself to sleep.

4. When you wake up, take it slow. You've got nowhere to be. You took the day for you. It's a weekend. Chill. You don't have to get out of bed for another 4 hours if you don't want to.

5. When you do get up, find your favourite movie from the last decade. Grab yourself a cup of tea or a juice, something to snack on (sandwich is my go-to), throw on the movie, and watch it. Sit down, snack, and enjoy something you've loved for a long time. If you're not a TV person, seek out songs more than 5 years old on your play list. I recently tried this and happened upon all the songs I was listening to when I started a bunch of my oldest WIPs and shook a bunch of new ideas loose.

6. Go for a walk. If you're unable to walk, find a way to get out of the house, be it walk, roll or hobble. Go to a park and cruise around for half an hour. Take it slow. Remember, you have nowhere to be today. This is your you-day. You're here for nature and fresh air, not exercise. This is purely a Zen moment. Find a park bench and cop a sit for a while. Look at the other people in the park. What are they up to? Is that a Mum's group jogging by with strollers? A little old couple sharing an ice-cream? Are those ducks in the pond? They're cute, right? They like sweetcorn and lettuce. You should come to the park more often and bring them some lettuce to munch on.

7. Think about your writing some more. This time, the process of it, and what drew you to the hobby, rather than stories and plots. Why are you working on your WIP? Do you enjoy it, or has it become a chore? This is supposed to be a hobby, right? You're giving your hard-written words away for free if you're writing fanfic, so why are you busting yourself to meet self-imposed deadlines? Do you even still like your characters? The plot? Do you want to invest the effort of continuing the tale?

8. Say these words to yourself: "It's okay if I've had enough."

9. Say them again. "It's okay if I've had enough."

10. When you go home, don't do any writing today. Indulge another hobby. Draw a picture, even if you're not very good at it. Knit something. Glue tubes of spaghetti to paper if you want. Play the sims, or valheim, or candy crush. Literally anything that isn't writing. Find something else to do. Engage a different part of your brain. You're tired of the same old fandom, same old characters, same old tropes and same tired stories. That's okay. That's human nature.

The important thing to remember is that you're in control. You have the power. If you never want to write another word, that's okay, you know? If you want to write something else, something different, something fresh, do it! I do it all the time. I cycle through WIPs for 18 different fandoms just to keep things fresh and avoid burn out on any one story, trope, or fandom. Switching to a new fandom is like flipping over a rock and finding a live snake underneath - terrifying, but damn it gets your heart racing!

And this can be applied for non-writers too. Your life is up to you to navigate. You're the captain of your own ship and you owe no one anything beyond basic respect, kindness and decency. Speaking as someone who's job has been ruining her life for 8 months and burning me out so much that between September and December, I didn't write a damn word because I was all outta spoons making it through each work day, I get it more than I ever hoped I would.

The best way to stave off burn out is to force a hard reset of yourself. If you're worried about backlash from your readers if you take a break, post to notify them that you're taking a small hiatus for your mental health. Anyone who minds terribly much and is rude about it needs to remember that life is already hard, and they need not add to it.

Trust me, love, no one will mind overly much if you need a rest. Take a nap. Take a walk. Feed the ducks. And dive into something else you enjoy for a few days. I've found some of my best writing falls out of a factory-reset inside my own head. Maybe you will too.

Xx-Kitten

[youichi-kuramochi]

dearest viv,

how the FUCK do you connect scenes?

i forgot what sign off i was gonna use

started with an r

umm

fuck. whatever

i cant remember if it was regards or respectfully. maybe respectfully?? yeah since i was yelling?? ok

respectfully,

honey ʕ ﹒ ᴥ ﹒ ʔ

ALDFKJGALDFKGDLFJ THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST ASK TO WAKE UP TO THANK YOU FOR THAT OMG

ANYWAY............ do u mean like in general or me personally lmao bc my answer to the second is probably like. totally unhelpful bc I just kinda vibe it most of the time when I’m writing adflkjagdfk at least first drafts. editing is another story (standby. we’ll get there lmao)

[sidebar: OH MY GOD THIS ANSWER GOT SO LONG I’M SO SORRY IF THIS WAS A JOKEY ASK AND I JUST RAMBLED UNNECESSARILY FOR LIKE FOREVER I am just. I am very passionate about writing even though my own process is a Mess aldkfjglkgf anyway I’m putting this under a cut bc uh. this really got away from me]

alright so theoretically??? I think transitions are less important than like. there should be a point each scene is trying to make. it either develops character or plot or relationships or any combination of those, and you need to have enough to make that point and then it can end (though I overelaborate a lot so. idk. I don’t think I follow most of this advice even though I understand it In Theory adlfkgjlkf). similarly, when you string the scenes together, they should to build towards a larger narrative arc. like because character a learned this thing about themself in the previous scene, now they can confront character b about something else. or because of this character establishing moment, we can now have this character do this thing because we, the readers, now have some insight into their motivations/fears/desires/etc. or whatever. I guess this is sort of about transitions lmao but the point is that the larger narrative should connect, not that you need to be super careful always about making the words/physical scenes themselves connect, if that makes sense

imo scenes can start and end abruptly and like as long as the narrative point is made you don’t really miss out on much. I’m terrible at actually doing this which is why my fics all wind up so long but I don’t mind it at all when I’m reading. I think it’s really cool when someone can make a really powerful point with far fewer words than I ever could. idk who told me this maybe a professor or maybe I just read it somewhere but it’s often a good move to drop readers right in the middle of the action like you don’t need that much buildup to it (unless the buildup serves a purpose. maybe your character is hesitating. maybe they’re overthinking.) you might need more buildup/general exposition in the beginning to get us acquainted with the world of the fic, but especially as you go on, exposition only as needed can be a good move. something something kill your darlings, y’know?

actually this last bit I do follow sometimes lmao I often wind up with several pages of just. unused text that I’d written and then decided was extraneous to the point I was trying to make or made a scene drag on or just didn’t click. like for my current ongoing fic, I have entire scenes I’ve cut. I wrote 2k of a high school scene that I ended up only using slivers of for flashbacks. there was a scene when onigiri miya opened at one point. for my bkak big bang fic I literally have over 6k that I took out completely that if I had kept in would’ve given the whole thing a completely different tone that I decided I didn’t like after I’d already written like half the fic. so I scrapped them. I usually save these, not do anything with really but just because deleting text forever is hard lmao so saving the writing somewhere, if not in the fic itself, makes it easier for me to cut

ALL THAT SAID it’s also totally cool to just trust your gut and run with a vague idea. like this kind of writing should be fun and I wouldn’t let worrying about this stuff get in the way of having a good time. and also everyone’s process is different!! everyone’s writing style is different and your writing probably won’t have the same tone or style as writers you admire and that’s okay!! it’s a good thing, even, imo. that’s what’s so cool about writing and honestly a lot of my favorite writers do not write like I do and I love that

and when I said I vibe it w my fics I really honestly do 90% of the time. I usually have a general sense of where I’m going but it’s more enjoyable for me discover things on the way. some people swear by outlines, I fundamentally do not other than like. AT MAX writing a short bullet point list of scenes I want to include as I think of them bc my brain is like a sieve. and usually weeks after starting something, I’ll write a line/paragraph/scene and have an epiphany like oh my god. oh my god I get what this whole piece is trying to say. (this is my favorite part of writing tbh. discovering that moment) and once I have that, it’s much easier to figure out what belongs and what doesn’t when I go back and edit earlier scenes and make sure that everything ties together

and also, finally, (sorry I know I’ve been rambling for a while now I swear this is the last point) I want to note that all of this gets easier and more natural with practice. I’ve been writing for over 10 years, on and off. ao3 says I have 500k+ of published fic, not to mention I probably as much if not more from abandoned wips that will never see the light of day AND a bunch of stuff floating around on livejournal (lol) from the pre-ao3 days, so I have written. a LOT. and over time you sort of hone your intuition about what works for you and what doesn’t and at least for me, now I think a lot less abt the nitty gritty and just go wherever my writing takes me and I’ll usually land in the general vicinity of making sense. I think anyone can get there (or wherever it is you’d like to be if this isn’t your style). the trick is just to keep writing! it’s a skill like everything else ☺️

[write-on-world]

Writing - Favourite Post Types Tag

Thank you @shadowlight-inkedthoughts for the original mention. We’re glad to carry on the tradition here.

So I was trying to think of a post to do so I thought I would make this tag (I never really know which posts people like the most).

Basically you just go through these questions :)

1. What is your favourite post type?

My nephew and the kids of a few friends actually inspire me the most.  They have this little game where they post pictures and challenge each other to tell a story about it.  Sometimes the pictures are familiar to them (scenes from movies, video games, fan art of Harry Potter, etc.) and they have to come up with a story - or at least a paragraph - to sharpen their writing skills.

2. What do most of your followers seem to like?

In summary?  Anything that calls all of us writers out (myself included) about how we should be writing and we’re not.

3. Are there any that you post more often?

Generic “daily inspiration” posts, really.  Every day is new, therefore I think that each day deserves a new bit of inspiration.

4. What do you post when you’ve hit writers block?

The most off-the-wall and completely mad things that I can find or think of in the hope that it gets the gears of my brain going again.

5. How often do you hit writers block?

More often that I care to, honestly.  I can be going fangs our against my WIP and suddenly... *thump!  Hit the bloody wall.

6. How do you find motivation to write and do you end up using any resources such as pictures, quotes, colours etc?

I’ve a variety of techniques, really.  The power of stories is in everything around us.  I’ll go down to the pub and while I nurse a pint I’ll listen to random strangers conversing.  I’ll go to the library (if it’s open) and pick a book completely at random and sit and read it, hoping for inspiration to strike.  I’ll turn on the tele and watch for five minutes and tell myself that whatever I see in those five minutes is the subject of my next story.  I’ll be sitting in the cinema and something that is said, done, or appears only in the background will strike me and I’ll think to myself, “I’ll have to remember that one.”

7. What’s the most inspiring thing you enjoy about writing?

The creation of worlds that’s entirely my own.  Never mind the rules of the real world, only my desires are adhered to here in the world that I create.

8. What’s the worst thing about writing?

That I don’t have all the time I should like to write... or maybe it’s that my muse strikes at the most inconvenient time... or maybe it’s because when my muse does speak to me, I have only my pen and notebook and my bloody hand can’t transcribe my thoughts quickly enough.

So I hope you liked this tag post and if you want you can add your own questions to it.

No pressure tag:

@pens-swords-stuff, @bbcalamity, @myhusbandsasemni, @coralblast, @write-it-motherfuckers, @inpainandsuffering, @raevenlywrites, @storyteller85, @writing-and-nutmeg, @writerfae, @howtofightwrite, @writers-united, @writersunited, @dowings, @tmifangirl24

[ceraunos]

ao3 writing tag

Tagged by:@scimitar-and-longsword thanks!! x

Name(s): kat + i’m ceraunos on tumblr/twitter/ao3

Fandom(s): currently, tog and the extended luca marinelli cinematic universise, but also black sails is my always and i still flirt with the witcher and the marauders

Where you post: mainly ao3, i have a few drabbly pieces here but normally i cross post

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): power over me which is a witcher smut lol

Most Popular Multi-Chapter (by kudos): technically iron blood which is fae!jaskier au but idk if i’ll ever finish that tbh... the highest kudosed completed chapter fic is bronze & iron which is a black sails christmas fic

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Symposium by far but mainly because of the irl things that spiraled out of it (cough, sarah, cough + the rest of the black sails gang) but i also really like some of my black sails shorts (such a pleasing smart and salt water, wind come to mind) & shellfire which is an old guard short

Fic you were nervous to post: leather and ribbon because it way my first bdsm fic and my first threesome fic, also sanctum because i wasn’t sure if anyone else would be interested because it’s very self indulgent sequel to symposium which people seemed to like

How do you choose your titles?: no real logic although a lot of them start with s’s... i find words/phrases in the fic that sound nice a lot of the time, although i do also trawl thesauruses for intersting words on the theme of what i’m writing

Do you outline?: sometimes. occassionally. rarely. the only fics i’ve actively planned in any detail were symposium, an unposted marauders wip and my current primo wip. otherwise i just have a bunch of unformed thoughts in my head to work off because i normally loose all motivation and belief in the idea when i try to plan

Complete: 28 not including tumblr drabbles on my current account. we don’t think about the things written before that... (i’ve been writing fic since i was 12. there are... some things out there we do not know anymore)

In-Progress: 3 actual in progress wips, 4 abandoned on ao3, many abandoned in my brain/files, many many unstarted wips constantly pestering me

Coming soon/not yet started: coming soon(ish): primo fic, joe nicky wip (maybe idk it needs some brain work) not yet started: so many. highlights include, nicky the himbo au and the final part of the sanctum series + my old guard gift exchange fic (yikes who knows what that’ll be not me)

Prompts?: are currently sitting in my inbox unfilled, sorry folks <3

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: Primo fic, it’s a proper character fic and i’m enjoying writing it also he’s horrible and sexy and a bit of a self insert (and we’re not going to examine the psychology of that one)

tags under the cut but anyone who sees this should do it

tagging: @crushcandles @zwergenmaedchen @aphroditestummyrolls @petersock @sailorsally

[javisjeanjacket]

Writer Appreciation - RINI🌸

 Hellooo! It’s that time; appreciation time! Yay!! I feel like writers deserve more love for all that they put into their work, so I want to help them feel loved. I will be posting a short interview like this every week for 5 weeks, so be sure to give my gals some love!

This week I'm featuring Rini!! Rini was the first writer I read that made me think more abstractly about my own writing process. Her imagery and attention to detail is amazing! ( @kaminobiwan​ ) loves immersing herself in fantasy and spending her time learning about other universes (particularly Star Wars). Her desire to write came from spending hours pouring over random databanks and information, discovering tiny and overlooked factoids, and thinking, ‘What if they can go to use?’. For her, writing is basically an excuse to publish all the things she’s discovered in her obsessive research. She hasn’t been writing fanfiction very long, but she is thriving so far. Her strengths are in rhetorical analysis and report writing, and she tries to show that in her writing. Karina loves all of her pieces for different reasons, but if she had to choose a favorite, it would be ‘Cannonball’. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

AUTHOR INTERVIEW

1. What inspires you to write?

“Cannonball was the reason I had any and all other ideas for fics, essentially, so my inspiration for that continuity is best described as a way to legitimize that entire story. My other works were written to basically add and add all these things and backstory that built up to this one moment. I suppose to do so some other ideas had to be fleshed out first before I could drop Cannonball and it would make any sense, but truthfully, I wasn’t really ever writing with a “release order” in mind until now. I was was just taking little scenes that had been replaying in my brain for awhile and bringing them to life through storytelling.

For the clones, it’s different-I don’t have as much of a timeline that I’m following when I write installments for any of them. Instead, I’m focusing on traits, rather than moments, and then taking a deep dive into what’s led to that trait’s development and how it affects them both mentally and physically. Asking ‘What’s going on inside your brain?’ Perhaps that’s why most of my angst is written for the clones!”

2. When did you realize you liked writing for fun? 

“I suppose always, really! My favorite subject in grade school was always English, so even coursework writing was “fun” to me. But particularly with fic writing, I think it’s more of a creative release that had to be done in a sense. My motivation comes a lot from the idea of ‘writing the fic you’ve always wanted to read’, and in that sense, I get a lot of fun from it. Especially with the leisure of combining my love for endlessly reading about the SW universe!”

3. What is one thing a reader has told you about your work that you hold close to your heart?

“I’m sure you’ll hear this from every writer you talk to, but every comment really does make me feel so appreciated and loved! When I first started writing, I used to screenshot every reblog and read the reviews and tags over and over with a huge smile on my face. But, what really hits close to home is when people notice my details and compliment my characterization! My dedication to portraying the characters just the right way is where most of my time goes into, so when people point out how a small sentence was so powerful or that my depiction of the characters is so perfect, especially since most of my writing is in the character’s point of view, not the reader’s. I know that’s not one thing, but it’s just too impossible to pick a single review!” 

4. Do you drink coffee or tea when you write? 

“I don’t drink coffee ever, but I do drink lots of tea. However, when I’m writing, it’s neither-it’s almost always water that I’m drinking, lots and lots of it!” 

5. Have you ever had writer’s block? How did you overcome it? 

“Never until right now, actually! It’s less of writer’s block and more of indecision on which piece to write next...a lot of the WIPs I have are warring for my attention, and there isn’t one fic that’s standing out against the others so it’s a game of writing whatever idea comes to mind and sorting everything out to be more organized. I think it’s because I have multiple things in the works, so it’s different from taking one idea at a time and giving it all my focus. 

In the past, whenever I’ve hit a wall in my progress, I’ll just skip around to a different scene - I’m a very non-linear writer, and some of my longest fics have come together from writing the meatiest parts of the story and realizing that they should be connected - like Cannonball! Other than that, retreating to research and just re-reading the characters and places you’re trying to bring to life always helps, too.”

6. Lightsaber, blaster, or crossbow?

“Lightsaber, all the way.”

7. Someone on the Jedi Council is a vegan...who do you think it is?

“Definitely Yoda. I imagine rootleaf soup is the SW equivalent to replacing everything with tofu. He seems like a tofu guy.”

[dragon-with-a-pen]

Underwing Challenge Adoption Question

What is one interesting thing about one of your WIPs that you don't often get the chance to talk about?

Hmmmm... probably the religion in And Thus They Stand or Fall?

Because it's a little freaky and sometimes I'm a little scared by the fact that my brain invented it, but also it's really cool (as a story thing, very glad it doesn't exist irl)

It revolves around the worship of Death as a goddess and as an abstract idea. I'll put it under a cut though, in case people don't want to read it

So basically they worship Death. And they view death as a Very Good thing. It's dishonourable to run from Her when She's chosen you. However, suicide is also dishonourable because you aren't respecting the will of the goddess...

They believe that when a person dies their soul, their essence, their whatever feeds the goddess and increases Her power.

The capital punishment is to live forever. And not comfortably either. (If any of you have read Wyrms, which I wouldn't actually recommend because it's kind of awful, I think of it kind of like how they have all these decapitated heads still alive and stuff, but also not like that. Maybe no decapitation. Also, probably don't read Wyrms. It's WEIRD)

They have... a church? Like priests and priestesses and stuff. And they're hugely influential.

This nation is also super warlike, because as they kill other people they feel they're serving their goddess... which is pretty messed up

Anyway, I kind of feel like a lot of religions in fantasy are just True in world, and I wanted to do one that had deviated from truth.

In actuality, their souls don't feed Death. She doesn't really appreciate all the killing in her name. She is real though. However, she is also balanced out by her twin sister, Life. Whom these people have completely forgotten exist.

I think religions have a lot of potential in storytelling, especially in fantasy. Because it's such a huge driving force and motivation for so many people. It's a huge part of their lives. And of course, you dont have to write about organized religions. But most cultures, if not all, have some form of religion, or spirituality, or myth, or even superstition, so it makes sense to me that fantasy people would too

[kiroiimye]

hi kiro-san :D

I'm here from twitter and your BLOG AAHH ITS SO AESTHETIC SJSJDJJSJ-

anyways getting to the point

any writing tips you have?

OK straying from point now

I ADMIRE YOU YOU ARE AMAZING OK BYE HAVE A NICE DAY

UWAA HELLO ANONN it’s been a hot minute since i was here HAHA thank you so much for liking my blog uwu <3 ily!!

hmmmm writing tips,,,,urgh i should probably follow this list too,,,,,,

don’t be dependent on what people think of you and your writing

be confident in what you write, even if you don’t have an audience yet

as long as you enjoy the content you write, the audience will follow!

if you have an idea, even the slightest, roughest blip of one, WRITE IT DOWN!!!! you’re not going to remember it later, trust me.

sometimes you don’t even need an idea to get started

maybe it’ll be a title or a song or a poem that just kickstarts you into action, so don’t get too hung up on finding the perfect idea

find the font that makes ur brain go brrrr

yes this is important!!! some fonts are more stimulating to your brain than others 

(i.e. i used to write in the default arial, 11 point size, and then i discovered the powers of Cabin and Alegreya Sans, 11-13 point size and life has never been better)

talk to friends!! 

this helps me a LOT, just because i can bounce ideas or get new ones :D

do Not fear writing !!!!!!! 

the more you fear the docs or the twitter thread, the more it’ll psych you out of writing, so. don’t.

having wips is okay, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

DON’T EDIT WHILE YOU WRITE

YOU’LL JUST BE EXTREMELY UNHAPPY WITH EVERYTHING AND OVERTHINK A PIECE THAT’S PROBABLY FINE !!! WRITE IT ALL FIRST, EDIT LATER

do NOT shit on other people or get bitter and jealous

i promise you, this will just make you feel awful about your writing and just annoyed and exhausted all the time. declare silent rivalry instead.

read the styles you wanna emulate!!! 

just read read read read read!! you can pick up new vocabulary and see how others write to develop your own style. i’m not saying COPY whatever they do, but if you see like, a specific narration style you like, or the way someone describes something, you can borrow from that and develop it to make it your own! 

ex: i really loved the way chonideno and oilpaints did descriptions, newamsterdame’s and the_most_happy’s narration is to die for, and the way cataclysmicevent makes her chapters flow and characters seem so human is so wonderful, so:

 i experimented with extended metaphors and imagery in my scenery and character descriptions, i’m working on cleaner and more succinct/less wordy narration, and i’m slowly figuring out how to make myself write chapter stories and add more human qualities to my characters >:O

just enjoy it!

a lot of people make writing out to be this terrible duty they have to perform and how they hate every moment of it because they’re obligated to finish shit yadda yadda, but really. remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. you do not need to finish that eight year old fic that you lost inspiration and steam for, you do not need to continue that three reply long thread that you got bored of the minute you got it out of your head. you do not need to do write pairings you don’t like or characters you hate (unless you’re getting paid or commissioned, that’s a different story). go at your own pace.

writing is progressive!!

some people have it in their heads that writing is a competition and they need to win and beat everyone. sure, it’s a nice motivator for some, but you do not need to adopt that mindset to get better!

write at your own pace, evolve at your own pace, and take your time experimenting. fandom doesn’t ever go anywhere.

hope those help anonnie!! <33

[mimiplaysgames]

A Powerful Enough Dream (Ch. 6)

Pairing: Terra/Aqua (eventually) Rating: T Word Count: 6,014

Summary: Riku and Sora drag Aqua to Yen Sid’s in order to hash out a plan to save Ven. But Aqua is having none of it.

Read on AO3

A/N: Hi!!!! It’s been a long, long time, I know. I’m sorry for not updating this more often. My other WIPs take up so so much of my time, and I don’t have enough to spare this collection. I’m nervous about continuing this, I mean: it’s no longer relevant because of KH3, and sometimes I think the Terqua fandom has died??? I’ll have to see what people think of it. I know there’s readers for this piece and I HEARD YOU. I HEARD YOU. I have the next two chapters lined up already, so we’ll see!

~*~*~*~*~

Betrayal

Riku shows her to her room: a small thing held together by enormous stones, with a bed at the center, a wobbly nightstand, and a door leading to the bathroom. A thin window sits high on the wall, through which Aqua can see this tiny, dark world that Yen Sid calls home. 

In the corner of the bedroom is a dusty outline on the floor where something once stood. A mirror, most likely. She peeks into the bathroom to find that the mirror screwed to the wall above the sink has been removed as well, leaving a rectangle of slime-free tile.

What she appreciates the most is how Riku doesn’t make a big show of what he does for her. 

“I’ll come get you when Yen Sid’s ready to see you,” Riku says, reaching for the door knob. “Hope it’s comfy enough.”

Nothing about this trip is comfortable. 

The Mysterious Tower is just as she left it: a speck far in the distance, too far for darkness to do any real damage. Protected by a sky of stars and magic that bubbles deep into its earth, this place breathes light. Aqua braces her fingers against the stone wall - instead of something cold built by man, she feels sparks of magic scatter across the surface, from memories of mischief and self-discovery.

She lets go and prepares herself to wash up, maybe find some food in one of the tower’s quirky rooms, when Riku knocks on her door.

“That was fast.”

Riku looks at her questioning face and shrugs. “I figured… considering how Terra’s visit went, we should probably get this over with.”

~*~*~*~*~

Yen Sid lounges in his office at the top of the tower. Everything is the same - maybe the notes on his board are different, but the pile of books, most with dust that gathered over years, still sit where they live. The candles burn as though they will never run out of wax. Yen Sid himself doesn’t seem to age. 

Riku and Sora flank Aqua, and she stares at the tremendous wooden desk in front of her. Twelve years ago, she slammed her hands against it, adamant that Terra would never do anything to hurt the Master. Something in her gut questions whether Yen Sid has even left his damn chair since.

“I am delighted to see you safe, Master Aqua,” Yen Sid starts, his voice polite, which is the basic minimum for anything professional: solemn, well-mannered, detached.

Initially, she says nothing in return. Eraqus would not have approved of such rudeness, so she swallows her pride. “Thank you, it is good to see you again, too.”

“I assure you will get a decent amount of rest in time.” He folds his hand neatly over each other. “For now, we must eagerly discuss the state of affairs.”

Eagerly, he says, but he talks too slow to understand the meaning of the word.

“Well,” Riku starts.

Aqua feels him taking side glances at her but she keeps her mouth in a firm, straight line. 

“We lost Terra,” he says when she doesn’t volunteer, “to the Realm of Darkness.”

Yen Sid grumbles, “With the King.”

“Yeah.” Riku sighs. “I like to think they’re taking care of each other.”

Yen Sid doesn’t seem pleased or agreeable to this. A sick thought crosses Aqua’s mind: He doesn’t think Mickey is safe with Terra. Which isn’t fair.

“We must hurry to the King,” Yen Sid says, and Aqua’s stomach churns that Terra is an afterthought. “Now that we are aware intent to enter the Realm of Darkness is certainly true to statement, we must act swiftly to find another Door to Darkness, as long as we do not sacrifice a world to it.

“Sora,” he commands, “have you made arrangements with the sky pirates to do this?”

Sora fiddles with two of his fingers, staring hard at them. They won’t give him the courage to speak, so there’s no reason to find it there. 

“Balthier won’t take my munny.” He frowns. “He demands more from me if I’m going to waste his time searching for something without any direction.”

“What does he call direction?”

“If Fran can track something, then he’ll only do it if the plunder’s good enough for the job.” He shrugs his shoulders and throws his hands in the air.

“Pirates,” Riku mutters.

“Balthier saves people, too!”

“When a world is falling. He takes their riches along with their medicine, food, and weapons… but Traverse Town doesn’t need that anymore.” 

Aqua scoffs. Her impatience bubbles, and it takes all her effort to swallow it down.

Sora steps away from her. He’s shocked to see her terrible mood.

“We shan’t wait too long for a world to deteriorate to that state,” Yen Sid says. “Sora, I will pay the pirate more if that is necessary to find an entryway sooner.”

Such quick and decisive action for Mickey. 

“Now that we have discussed one path forward, let us continue on to other matters.” If he hasn’t noticed her attitude, he will soon. “Master Aqua, I understand there is trouble getting to Ventus. Anything I can do to aid your efforts?”

Aid, he says.

She creases her lips. 

“How long have you known?” she asks quietly.

“Pardon?”

“How long has it been since Mickey found me?” She raises her voice. 

Sora shifts with a whimper. Riku crosses his arms, not surprised and not even totally into the conversation. Best to get it over with.

Yen Sid takes his time to study her first before he answers: “Two years.”

Aqua grips her hands into fists, hiding them neatly in her sashes so that the old man doesn’t notice. “Why-”

“Mickey was not yet a Master,” Yen Sid says, his brittle voice finding strength. “Sora and Riku were brand new to the Keyblade, and needed friends, guidance, and training. We did not have the power yet to pursue such a dangerous task.”

What he said should have insulted her, but strangely, she feels serene, empowered by something knowing, something cynical, something that gloats in how tense he’s becoming under her scrutinizing gaze. Yen Sid doesn’t deserve anything she has to offer. 

“And what did you do all this time?” she asks with bitter sweetness. “Twiddle your thumbs and eat out of your chair?”

Riku rubs his chin. She’s impressed with how quiet he could stay in a scene like this. Sora stammers like he’s been kissed by a frog.

“Master Aqua…” Yen Sid tries softer this time. “I understand the disappointment. Please, let me offer what I can to help-”

“I don’t need your help to find Ven.” With that, Aqua gives a mock curtsy before turning on her heels and briskly leaving the room.

Behind her, she hears Riku tell Sora to Let her go, each word fading as she runs down the long steps to the bottom. 

The audacity of that old, stuffy man. 

Aqua is fuming, replaying sentences in her mind again and again: things she could have said to make him really sorry, what he might be saying now to those two young boys. She’s descending so fast that her ankle twists, and she grabs the railing to stop herself from toppling all the way down. 

It snaps her out of her stupor.

Riku is so well-mannered for his age, not blinking at the signs of her episode; he’s someone a good Master ought to behave like. Sora doesn’t judge, completely motivated with the need to make everyone comfortable and easy-feeling. 

And Aqua embarrassed herself in front of them. 

Leaning on the wall behind her, she breathes deeply. The stone is freezing against her skin, too much for her to be at a normal temperature. She palms her forehead to check for a fever; she has none. But her mind is in a hot fury, willing to climb back up and roast Yen Sid with all the insults she still has blurring in her brain - starting with how crusty that beard is.

“You can’t just say whatever you want, Aqua,” she says out loud, hugging herself. “This isn’t like you.”

It’s unbecoming of a Keyblade Master, is what Eraqus would have said. 

Aqua decides to descend the rest of the way slowly. Getting mad won’t do anything for Ven, and while she doesn’t have a good lead in creating a pathway back home, she’ll find a way to do it without giving Yen Sid the honor of listening to his advice. She has to. 

The last time she was here, she never got a good chance to explore this world. While the front entrance only leads to an outcrop overlooking deep space, the back entrance leads to a garden, awnings making way over the shrubbery until it circles a pool. 

Aqua stiffens. It’s not long enough to swim in, so it couldn’t be deep enough to get up to her thighs.

But it’s big enough to drown in, and that’s the worst part. 

The water is as still as glass, but it doesn’t mean it’s peaceful or safe. If she’s careful enough, Aqua would be able to see her reflection if she stood over it. 

She doesn’t dare try. Instead, she sits on a stone bench far enough away that the pool couldn’t get to her. There isn’t a good reason to sit here, really, except for the fact that she misses the idea of enjoying water: of being at the beach, of swimming against Ven in a race, of splashing it on Terra’s face when he isn’t looking. Showering in a bathtub doesn’t compare… a dark voice in her mind tells her that she’ll never experience water the same way anymore.

“Are you Aqua?” 

That voice belongs to a girl in a short pink dress, who helps herself to the stone bench even when Aqua doesn’t immediately reply. 

“I am.”

The girl stares up in awe. “You were the one Terra was looking for? Wow, I didn’t think you’d be the same person…”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I’m Kairi.” She holds her hand to her chest. 

Aqua gasps. “Kairi?” It’s true. There’s the same necklace she charmed years ago, draped around her neck. Aqua almost brushes it with her fingers, but thought better of it. At least it kept Kairi safe. At least this is one success she could account for. 

Kairi is so unrecognizable now, but it makes sense: the cropped auburn hair, the round violet eyes, a curious smile. And a heart that is unmistakably brighter than anyone’s here. 

“You were so little,” Aqua says quietly. “I can’t believe you remember me.”

“Um, not really.” Kairi sheepishly rubs the back of her head, then waves her hand in the air as if imagining something. “All I remember is something really tall… and blue.”

Aqua has to laugh. Kairi is quite small. Still.

“But when I heard that Aqua was here, I had to see - never in my life would I have made the connection that Blue and Aqua were one in the same.” Kairi smirks, leaning forward to study Aqua in the face. “No wonder Terra was so obsessed with finding you. You’re really pretty.”

“Uh-” Nothing useful comes out of her mouth. That can’t be the reason. Aqua hides the heat in her cheeks with one dignified hand as though she isn’t affected by it. 

“Terra acted the same when he talked about you,” Kairi grins, patting Aqua on the knee.

But her excitement deteriorates soon after, her hands finding each other at her stomach as though she’s swallowing something rotten. “I heard about what happened to him…” To Aqua’s surprise, tears develop in Kairi’s eyes, trailing down without much effort on her part to produce them. 

They even surprise Kairi. “I’m sorry.” She wipes them off her face, sniffling. “I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t know him long.”

Aqua more than understands, she’s just much more practiced at roping it in.

“He makes a strong impression on anyone he meets,” Aqua says, brushing her hand lightly over Kairi’s head. 

A small smile curls at Kairi’s lips despite the onslaught out of her eyes. Kairi hangs all of her expressions at the edge of her nose. Her sincerity is something to be admired. 

“He’s a lot kinder than what he gives himself credit for.”

“Yes.”

“He was really helpful and sweet when he trained me.” Reality strikes her, and the tears dry up. “Would you mind teaching me a bit?” Then shame makes its way, as though she asked for too much. “I- I promise I won’t take up too much of your time.”

A Princess of Heart fighting? A brilliant idea. “Of course, it’s not a bother at all.”

Kairi takes her inside to a large ballroom equipped with destroyed furniture: hollow sofas, the shells of cupboards, the foundations of bookshelves, dilapidated bedposts. Pots and pans. Chipped plastic. From what Aqua can tell, they were used for target practice. 

“Terra was really particular about my posture,” Kairi says, summoning her Keyblade - frilly, like the heart of someone who carries the joy of life with her. She sinks low into her knees. “But we focused mostly on my ability to block attacks. The rest is basic stuff.”

By the looks of her stance, he’s done good work.

“Then let’s talk about what you really want out of your fighting ability.” Aqua summons the Master’s Defender. 

Kairi flashes an embarrassed frown. “To catch up with Sora and Riku.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Yes.” Forgetting about her posture, Kairi throws her passion out in a flurry. “It’s not about being as good as them - I want to make them see that when they need me, I can be there. They don’t have to worry or doubt me for a second.”

“That sounds a lot like comparing yourself.”

Kairi ponders for a moment. “Sora and Riku are patient with my training, but for years they’ve left me behind.”

Aqua has to think about it before responding… listen to the words Kairi is finding difficulty in expressing. So much of it stems from an insecurity and a drive to level with her more experienced friends, and a needle pricks right into Aqua’s ribs when she thinks of how Ven has been treated in the past. 

If they never held themselves back when training with Ven, or treated him like a puppy needing to stay home, then he wouldn’t be unconscious now. 

Sora and Riku work full steam ahead, and Kairi needs to match their speeds without the burden of mastering technique before she’s ready. What she wants is to feel useful to them. What she needs is to be equipped with something that could get her out of trouble in a pinch.

Aqua thinks of Noctis, and how he uses his weapons as points of destination. 

“I have a unique idea.”

Instructing Kairi to stand by the farthest wall, Aqua does the opposite to create the most distance between them.

“From there,” Aqua says, “I want you to take a hit on me before I’m able to block - without doing a far-range attack.”

Kairi gapes. “H- How am I supposed to do that?”

“You’ll adapt to the circumstances.” At Kairi’s agony, Aqua shrugs. “I’m more strict than Terra. We won’t stop until your heart makes the connection.”

Kairi shivers and settles herself. “I’ll try.”

She does a dash - which is the expected choice and Aqua easily blocks it. 

“Again,” Aqua says. “Use your magic.”

Another dash - this time propelled. Blocked.

“Again.”

Three more times, all blocked, and by now, Kairi is panting for breath.

“You’re exerting too much on your physical body. Remember your magic. Your Keyblade is your heart in physical form: all its desires, life goals, and insecurities are embedded into your weapon. If you want to come at me faster than I can block, then will it.” 

“Magic,” Kairi rasps. “Right.”

Now she’s getting it. Instead of dashing across the room this time, she blends with the air, teleporting to Aqua’s position. But it’s still not fast enough.

“On the right track. Try again.”

“But Aqua-”

“Your Keyblade needs to get here before you do.” Aqua winks. 

“Isn’t that kind of like a Strike Raid?” An attack that utilizes the Keyblade like a boomerang. 

“Not quite.”

Kairi is exhausted and probably doesn’t have the energy to think too much, but it’s necessary to let her heart define it for itself. That’s the only way to communicate with your own Keyblade. 

But she’s the type of student that is eager to please, and as her eyes drift away with her imagination, it dawns on her. “That’s genius,” she whispers. 

With new resolve, Kairi properly stands. 

“Let’s start for real,” Aqua says. 

Kairi throws her Keyblade. Aqua feels in the air Kairi’s energy not to aim, but to be where the Keyblade goes, and she blurs through the room, letting her heart guide her to where. 

She doubts herself, though, and drops her Keyblade halfway across. 

“I’ll try again!” Scrambling back to her spot across the room, Kairi throws, warping as though both wielder and weapon are chasing each other, knocking past unsuspecting pieces of couch legs.

Aqua cannot block the strike but manages to move - not the most grateful dodge she’s ever done, but it does the job even if it lands her flat on her stomach. 

“We did it,” Kairi says shakily the moment she realizes all she’s done without using her feet. 

Aqua snorts and picks herself up. “You did it.”

“I did it!” With squeals and claps, Kairi jumps in place, throwing an embrace over Aqua’s way, triumphantly parading with her Keyblade.

It’s worth the effort to see. Aqua has needed something pleasant today, and maybe giving someone else hope will satiate some kind of karmic hunger out there and return the favor.

“No one invited me to the celebration,” Sora’s voice strides into the room, his giant toothy grin followed by a very solemn Riku. 

“You guys will never guess what I can do now,” Kairi says. Realizing she sounds like she’s preparing a show for them, she backtracks. “I- I’ll polish it first, then show you.”

“Kairi has a lot of promise,” Aqua says, drawing the hilt of her Keyblade in and resting its tip on the floor, standing straighter. Riku’s presence, though totally lost in his own head, makes her nervous. She wills the image of her episode away.

“You’re not going to show us?” Sora asks, casually standing with them like he’s inviting himself over to their inside joke. Aqua wonders if he’s ever been rejected before, but Kairi’s more than happy to keep a small success to herself. 

Riku takes a more respectful distance and sits on a chair with a missing armrest. “Of course she won’t. Destiny Islanders have spunk.”

“Except Riku,” Kairi retorts. “He only knows grouchy.”

“Says who?”

“Your face. You look like you spent an hour reading obituaries.”

A muscle twitches in Sora’s jaw, and he takes himself to Riku’s side. 

It reminds Aqua all too much of herself and Ven: how she and Terra would share a rare distaste with training when it doesn’t go their way, or worries about the future, cutting Ven out of certain bits. Aqua wouldn’t count that Ven never noticed. 

She hopes that Kairi doesn’t take it personally. It never is. 

“Sorry,” Riku says, willing a more natural smile to come. “I am happy for you. Maybe you’ll get to join us on missions next time.”

“She already should be,” Aqua says. 

Kairi sighs in relief. “I’m ready to share the work. What’s the plan now? I can handle it.”

This is where Riku and Sora stare at Aqua. 

“Must have been an interesting meeting,” Kairi says, cutting the silence. 

“It was the same level of cringe as Terra’s,” Sora says, snickering. It doesn’t improve the atmosphere, so he switches gears. “You can come with us wherever you’d like, Kairi,” he offers, like it’s supposed to be a consolation but Aqua suspects there are limitations to such a contract. “Except the Realm of Darkness.”

“You’re going to the Realm of Darkness?”

Again, they glance over at Aqua. Are they expecting her to lead an expedition? To have a differing opinion?

“Is there something you want from me?” Aqua asks when they won’t budge. 

Sora hangs his head but Riku is the one to speak: “I don’t want to bet on a world falling for us to enter. There’s no way to predict when it would happen or how long it would take. Estimated guesses are just that, and if we waited a day too long, we could have lost Traverse Town.”

“Or not. It could have stood for another week,” Sora quips in. 

“Exactly. It’s a very unstable plan and it could take forever.”

When Sora’s eyes meet Aqua’s, he warms up. Aqua has to wonder how his parents raised him to be this open and loving to everyone he meets. 

“How did you do it?” he asks.

Next to her, Kairi tenses. Riku seems unfazed - it was probably his question, but Sora is the better mediator. 

It’s the worst memory in Aqua’s disposal, but the most important. Aqua has to be professional, cast away the way her heart rages at the thought. 

“A world didn’t fall, if that’s what you’re really asking,” she starts. “I was fighting… Xehanort, and he…struck himself with his Keyblade. To the heart.”

Sora steps back, a giggle worming its way out. “That’s an intense experience.”

Riku scoffs, amused. “It makes sense now.”

“And out came a horned monster,” Aqua continues. “You could say it resembles a Heartless, large and angry. Its teeth were bound by bindings… or bandages. It had an empty hole in its chest-”

She stops. The looks she’s getting - they recognize it.

Sora turns to Riku, his eyes wide. “Is she talking about-?”

Riku faces him. “Ansem’s Guardian?”

At Aqua’s stunned expression, Sora waves her confusion away. “No, no, not the Ansem you know. That’s the real Ansem. There’s a fake Ansem, and he’s the one who controls the Guardian.”

That doesn’t clear anything up.

Riku holds his hand up. “What matters is what happened when the Guardian appeared.”

“Well, he commanded it to come after me,” Aqua says.

“As he does.” Riku shrugs.

“But when I defeated him, it fell into a black pit. It was the force that created the Door to Darkness, and…”

Terra fell. 

“I went after him.”

The room buckles under the weight of her words, a little too quiet for her liking but it’s better than anyone apologizing to her. Kairi holds a hand to Aqua’s shoulder, but it doesn’t help much. 

“Maybe that’s the answer,” Sora says slowly. “It probably created a force of darkness so strong, it just warped reality.” 

Kairi glares at him as though he’s said the wrong thing. 

But Riku nods like he’s reading the same mind. “We could sacrifice it. Not a bad idea.”

“It sounds like you’re talking about hunting him down,” Kairi says. “Isn’t that a little risky, trying to draw out his attention?”

“Yeah, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” The way Riku says it leaves everyone else out of the equation.

“If you can find him.”

Aqua has to ask: “Is that difficult?”

Riku strains a smile; he’s remembering something unpleasant, something he still hasn’t made peace with. “Not really. But admittedly he is more trouble than he’s worth.”

Aqua bites her cheek. Everyone makes it sound like rescuing Terra is the biggest hassle. 

“Then I’ll do it.”

Sora grimaces, and Riku waves his hands in surrender. “That’s not what I meant. Not at all. But I do think that getting to Ventus may be an easier goal to reach right now. Once we have greater numbers, and we don’t have our attention scattered as much, provoking Ansem shouldn’t be an issue. We can do it together.”

Aqua stops herself from drawing a long scoff, holding her hand to her hip to prevent herself from flailing it around in frustration. Professional is the key word here. 

“Except I don’t really know where to begin,” Aqua says quietly. “I know where Ven is, but I don’t have a way of getting to him without my Keyblade.”

“Oh that’s easy!” Sora says. “Terra had it with him.”

“What?”

“He carried it around at Destiny Islands, when he was with us,” Kairi says. 

“But I don’t recall seeing him with it in Traverse Town,” Riku says. “It’s possible he put it away somewhere.”

The question hangs over their heads. 

Riku inhales as he thinks about a place to start. “He spent the majority of his time in Radiant Garden.”

Right where she broke her tether to it. It’s a possibility that Terra took it back there. Not likely, but plausible. 

“We should go tomorrow, first thing,” Sora says, slamming a fist into his palm. “There’s got to be a trail of clues we could follow. Maybe Terra left a sign saying Here’s her Keyblade.” He motions with his hand, bracketing invisible words in the air. 

“If there’s nowhere else…” Aqua hushes. 

“If not there,” Riku says, “then we’ll go back to Traverse Town and search his room. If it’s not there either, we’ll think of something. I can’t imagine that he’d leave you hanging.”

He’d never; Terra has always been the worst at hiding anyway. As children, he’d giggle too loudly that playing hide and seek with him was always futile. As teens, he never withstood the feeling of being lonely for too long, so if he needed time to himself, he’d leave notes with suggestions of when he’s ready for company. 

Hiding a Keyblade to protect it is something he wouldn’t commit recklessly, but just like she was able to track him down a long journey through multiple worlds when he disappeared, he’d leave the smallest crumbs. 

“Then it’s a solid plan,” Kairi says, stepping her foot down. “I’m coming with.”

They’re much more optimistic about it than Aqua is (honestly, it sounds like they’re leading themselves blind).

Either way, she bids them sweet dreams, a knife forged of the worst anticipation gutting at her. Maybe her mood will improve in the morning. 

When she leaves the ballroom, the knife twisting at her side digs deeper the moment she overhears Riku saying over the other side of the door: “That was something.”

Aqua peeks through the crack. Riku has lost his composure he had in her presence, slouching over and smothering his face in his palm. Sora looks tired, his usual joy giving way to reflection. 

Kairi shifts uncomfortably. “She’s been through a lot.”

“She’s like a boiling teapot about to explode.”

“Except teapots don’t explode.”

“But you’d rather have your hand cut off than have it melt from the steam.”

“Come on,” Sora says, “this won’t be the same situation as it was with Terra… At least, I hope not.”

Riku throws Sora a hard glance. “I’m only saying that something’s not entirely right. I can’t tell how she’s going to react to things. Sometimes, I get the impression that I’m not talking to the same person.”

Silence.

“Honestly, I’ve felt the same,” Sora murmurs, “but I can’t blame her.”

“No one is.”

Kairi starts sniffling, bringing her wrist to wipe her face.

Sora asks, “Why are you crying?” 

“I don’t know. Isn’t that weird?”

Next, Sora’s the one to shed a tear. “I guess I don’t know either.”

Riku looks at his friends not with concern, but with horror. He sighs into his hand, rubs his face, and thinks better than to let them cry alone. Joining them, he pulls them both into an embrace, roughing their hair enough to leave frizz.

“Knock it off, you two.” 

He ignores their protests, squeezing them in his elbows. Sora can’t wrestle his way out, so he says to Kairi, “He’s still ticklish in the same spots.”

The last sight Aqua sees is a heap of three best friends on the floor, the tallest one begging the others to stop. 

~*~*~*~*~

Aqua treks back to her room with ferocity. They think she’s crazy. Maybe she is. Maybe she’s lost a part of herself to the Realm of Darkness forever, chewed up and spit out in a lumpy blob that she can’t bring herself to swallow. 

That thought should terrify her, but it doesn’t. Aqua’s more concerned with how hopeless she let them feel. What’s the point of being a Keyblade Master if she can’t inspire those around her? Or make them feel protected and listened to? She doesn’t know how to make it up to them. 

She should apologize - and yet, there’s a small voice inside that loathes to do so. It’s not her fault for acting up; she’s earned the right. They’ll be patient with her and see she’s not all bad.

Or maybe she’s just as bad as they say. The moment she sees Yen Sid standing in her way will test that.

“Master Aqua,” he calls, his pointy hat looking all the longer because of the way the torches that line the stone walls illuminate it.

She wants to ignore him. She doesn’t - wouldn’t Eraqus be proud? She waits for him to continue, hands laced in front of her, posture straight, expression neutral. Professional. 

“I had hoped,” he starts, then stops himself. Ah, so he knows there’s nothing he could say that would be a proper apology to what happened. “I completely understand where you are coming from.”

Aqua doesn’t respond. 

“I mean to ask forgiveness.”

Silence.

“Cast away this unpleasant business between us. I have no expectation that you’d lend a hand of friendship towards me, but we can still benefit from an alliance.” He extends his hand out, not as a gesture to hold hers, but as a symbol. 

She could forgive him, and she would have before falling to darkness, before Eraqus had ever sent them on an insane journey without giving them any of the crucial details, before hearing anything insulting about Terra. She could have. 

“I’ll consider it when I have the time,” she says, her voice flat but strong.

Yen Sid draws his hand back. There’s a slight offense to his eyes before he wavers it away. 

“This road you have chosen to follow may be dangerous.”

“Excuse me?”

“Following Terra.”

“I’m so tired of defending Terra,” she spits.

“You have mistaken me,” Yen Sid says. The quality of his voice dips deep, like a growl. “Just as I have warned Terra about his limitations when it came to you, I sense the same desperate recklessness within you.”

“His life is worthy enough to save.”

“So is yours.” He stares at her, a hand teasing the length of his beard. “Will you not trust him to fend for himself in the darkness?”

Her lips quiver and she zips them up. Professional. “Won’t you?”

Yen Sid sighs, disappointed. “I hope our next meeting is more amicable. Please look out for yourself, Master Aqua.”

“Likewise.”

She storms into her room and slams the door. She’s burning up, the heat from her body creating perspiration that denses through her hair, but not enough to let the sweat fall. No, she doesn’t have a fever.

There’s nothing here for her to throw around, so she paces back and forth. Back and forth, again and again, until one last huff expires out of her. 

“Terra,” she calls out softly as though he is right by her side. Who knows, maybe he can hear her from somewhere deep in the darkness if she focuses enough. 

Pulling out his orange Wayfinder, Aqua massages her fingers over the borders. Maybe her magic on it would have worked better if she had his essence embedded into the glass, instead of her intention to keep him close by. 

When she made it, she never once thought that the sight of it would bring regret. 

“I’m so angry,” she says to it, shaking her leg. She’s exhausted, but nowhere near the fits of depletion from earlier nights that easily pulled her under. She’d be an idiot to expect sleep to come any time soon. “None of them understand.”

Except they do; they have been separated before, forgotten, then weaved back together. 

Yet they don’t; they never had to pay such an expensive price such as twelve years.

“Please come back,” she whispers. She could cry, but she’s all dried up. Begging only makes her feel worse. 

“I’ll bring you back,” she demands of the quiet when nothing responds to her. 

She could scream, but she doesn’t. She’s a knot of weeded thorns, something that yearns to slice to numb the pain and grow out to breathe, choking at the same time.

The bed creaks and moans under her weight, but it’s not comfortable. The sheets are cold. The stone walls are apathetic to her mood, gray and bored. 

Aqua holds the Wayfinder close, but it does nothing to soothe her. She opts to stare at the ceiling in a contest she can’t win. 

~*~*~*~*~

Her hair reached her ribcage in tousled waves that coiled at the tips. Ven called it a flag of water that rippled whenever she moved, but it rippled too much; she certainly resented it when it whipped her in the face during training.

Her mother would have called it stunning, just like hers. 

A sepia-toned portrait sat on Aqua’s vanity table of a woman with the same hair and a man with a thick handle-bar moustache, wearing a bowler’s hat. 

“I’m sorry, mama,” sixteen-year-old Aqua said, scissors in hand, mirror smudge-free, hair ready to be tamed.

The first snip came at the point right above her ear, and Aqua winced from watching it all fall to the ground. A panic shot through her, and she wondered if there was magic to reverse the damage just in case. But Aqua was brave and Aqua was relentless.

Cutting the rest of her hair came easier, a waterfall having its last hurrah. She went shorter, and then much more. She might have done too much, but keeping it layered should justify the work. Now it was a pixie cut: clean, prissy, and above all, out of her face.

Aqua presented herself during breakfast. Ven still wasn’t up and the Master was busy in his office, so Terra, who sat at the table with a mug of coffee, was the first to see. 

The mug stopped before it reached his lips while he gaped. She sat in front of him. He didn’t say a word. 

Suddenly, she regretted it.

“It was always getting in the way,” she said, surprised by how assured she sounded.

He blinked. “It’s cute.”

“It’s what?” Warriors were supposed to be practical. Not cute. Never cute, damn it all.

“Nothing. I didn’t actually say anything.” He sipped his coffee, avoiding her gaze. If he caught it, she’d have words to throw at him. 

She still did. “I’ll dump that coffee on you the next time I hear you say that.”

Terra stole glances at her, mainly toward the top of her head, and his eyes almost sparkled. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. “It is pretty, though.”

… What was she supposed to say to that? All she had was vacant stammering.

“Well, you know,” he set back, “I don’t want you to feel bad about it.”

Part of her wanted to kill him. Part of her wanted to find the spell to make it grow.

He blundered for more words, set his coffee mug down, and pressed his index finger onto the surface of the table to make a poignant argument. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

She grimaced. “I’m not going to play nice with you during training today.”

“I probably deserve it,” he chuckled.

“You definitely deserve it.”

He smiled, and stared more at her hair. Not with disgust, not with shock, but with admiration. 

It hit her then - he meant what he said. Which left one question to nag at her for the rest of breakfast:

She was pretty to him?

[aurorawest]

I used to adore that sweet deleted scene from Thor 1 where the brothers talk before the coronation. Until I remembered that Loki had already arranged for the Jotuns to ruin the coronation, and knew Thor wouldn’t become king. This hurts. And makes me wonder, was Loki lying when he said “I’ve looked forward to this day” and “never doubt I love you”? Or did he really mean it? He sure sounded sincere, but why would he mean such sweet claims when he’d already done an act of treachery toward Thor?

Oh this is so crunchy, thank you for the opportunity to talk about this. This got long, haha. Surprise!

First off, I’ve devoted a lot of time to thinking about this, to the point that it’s almost fair to say that everything I’ve ever written about Loki and Thor comes down to the dichotomy of what we see from Loki in this scene.

Sometimes, I’m…envious. But never doubt that I love you.

I’m not sure any one line sums up Loki’s relationship with Thor more than this one, and it is a damn shame that it was cut from the final film. Loki is a person, I think, who is very, very good at cognitive dissonance. That is to say, he can hold two (at least) different, contradictory thoughts in his head at the same time. And I think we all do this with the people we love, right? You love your family, but god, sometimes you hate them. I think it’s pretty clear through all of their appearances together that Loki loves Thor (ironically, when their relationship is in theory at its best, in Thor, we actually see it the least, because they cut all of the scenes that really show it).

The thing is, Loki doesn’t just love Thor. Thor is everything that Loki wants to be and feels that he can never possibly live up to. He admires him, but he’s also resentful. I’m going to quote a line from my own fanfiction, because it sums this up fairly well:

Normally it hurt, knowing that he’d never really had a chance. Not so much because he desperately wanted the throne. He didn’t. It had been made clear to him long ago that he possessed nothing that Asgardians valued in their kings. He just wanted to be valued, even if it didn’t translate into a crown. (Foundations, chapter 2)

Loki is bitter about his perceived Otherness (and he doesn’t even know the half of it yet). Everything in Asgardian society tells him he won’t be a good king, and because in his family, value and worthiness is intrinsically tied into the succession, this sets up this toxic situation where one child was always going to feel like the lesser one. I want to emphasize that this could have been Thor. And while I believe Loki can kind of intellectually see this, he’s a deeply sensitive, deeply emotional person, and his brain can tell him thing all day long. In the end, his heart is going to feel the pain of his inadequacy.

So that brings us to Thor. Thor is…kind of a scapegoat, I guess, for this situation. It would be great if Loki could recognize that he has strengths and he’s valuable for what he is, but he doesn’t, or can’t, not totally. It’s hard to have the confidence to buck society’s expectations and norms. Even if you do it in part (which he clearly does, e.g., with his magic), that doesn’t mean you’re willing or able to do it totally (in fact, I might argue that for some people, being able to stand up to the cultural norm in one instance might be a shield against admitting much deeper truths about yourself that would set you apart…hi, I think I just had a personal revelation). Then you have the added issue that for Loki, bucking society’s expectations is bucking his father’s expectations, and his father isn’t just his father, he’s also the king of Asgard. He’s the All-Father. He is, in Loki’s view, the most powerful person in the universe. Loki desperately wants his approval and validation. How many times do we hear him say that in Thor? So Loki can’t take any of this resentment out on his father because he just…can’t.

But he sure can take it out on Thor. Thor is his brother. Thor is someone he should be equal with. You know the truism ‘you hurt the ones you love?’ Thor and Loki are the perfect example of this. I very much think they take each other for granted. Which is where the cognitive dissonance comes into play. Loki loves Thor very much, and this is just a given for him—and not just for him, he would feel that it should be a given for Thor, as well. I think Loki holds these two truths in his head simultaneously: Thor will never not love him, and Thor will never love him. To shamelessly quote my own fanfiction again:  

…deep down, he had an unshakeable faith that Thor needed him. There was a toxic side to that, too—an unshakeable faith that he could get away with anything and that Thor would still be there. (an unpublished fic I’m working on called Sleight of Hand, chapter 9)

Thor represents everything Loki wants to be but can never be, and Thor will never reject Loki for dumping all his insecurities on him. At the same time, Thor maybe doesn’t really love Loki, so it doesn’t matter what Loki does, because he’s already lost this thing that he values so highly, which is Thor’s love.

(Side note, I firmly believe this is why Loki does shit like, ‘Don’t tell me it was that woman. Oh…it was. Well, maybe when we’re finished here I’ll pay her a visit myself!’ I don’t think that Loki intends to go to Earth and hurt Jane, not even for a second…but it’s going to make Thor angry if he says it, and it’s going to prove to Loki what he knew all along deep down, which is that Thor doesn’t love him and will fight him)

Anyway, I hope I’m putting it properly into words. It’s something I myself feel on a really visceral level, which is why I really connect with Loki as a character, but it’s hard to articulate.

Ruining Thor’s coronation is a garbage move by Loki, there’s no doubt about that. He says to Laufey:

That was just a bit of fun, really. To ruin my brother’s big day. And to protect the realm from his idiotic rule for a while longer.

I suspect that Loki’s actual motivations are closer to the last sentence here. You have to remember that Loki is lying to Laufey. His intention is to get Laufey to come to Asgard so he can kill him, serving the dual purpose of making himself look like the worthy son and getting revenge on the biological parent who abandoned him. I wrote about whether or not Loki wanted to go to Jotunheim in a recent ask, so I won’t rehash that here, but Loki’s goal is really to make Thor look like he’s not ready to take the throne.

But, that said, I also think that there would have been an element of fun to it. Loki thrives on chaos. A not insignificant part of him likes to start a fire and sit back to watch it burn. Plus…these are Asgardians. I definitely think that Thor would be Pissed Off if he ever found out that Loki had done this (he never does, unless Heimdall tells him, but I don’t think there’s any direct evidence of that? Correct me if I’m wrong, it’s actually relevant to one of my WIPs), but also, like, these people are living on a different level than we are. They stab each other and it’s no big deal. Had his plan worked out the way he’d thought it would—Frost Giants interrupt the coronation, Thor comes up with this dumb, reckless plan to go to Jotunheim, guard tells Odin where they’re going, Odin stops them and gets mad at Thor, Thor doesn’t become king for the foreseeable future—I think Loki would have laughed about it for weeks. He made his brother look dumb and he himself looked like the circumspect, smart son because he was against going to Jotunheim from the start. Obviously, that’s…not what happened. A whole other discussion, that one—Loki’s plans having unintended consequences.

At the end of the day, anon, I think you should continue to love that scene if you want to. It’s one of my favorites. Every time I watch it I curse the decision to cut it from the film because it gives so much more depth to the relationship. I have no doubt that Loki really loves Thor. Just look at his arc. In the end, Loki dies for Thor. Loki gives up the universe to try to save Thor. He’s just a messed up young man who is truly terrible at dealing with his emotions.

I’ll leave you with another quote from my upcoming fic, Sleight of Hand:

She raised her eyebrows right back. “Have you ever considered therapy?” When he furrowed his brow, she said, “Why am I not surprised that Asgardians don’t have therapy?”

[bi-robins-club]

Fic Writer Interview

tagged by @sun-moon-stars-jedi. thanks for tagging me! 😊

 Name(s): koa-ia (tumblr), totaltrashmammal (discord & ao3)

 Fandoms: (Main) DC, batfam mostly and centering around Jason. (Sides) Marvel, Naruto, BNHA, DBH, probably more. (Sorta? I've kinda fallen out of these fandoms. I still like them but other than Marvel, I don't really go looking for content anymore)

 Where you post: AO3 but I post links on my tumblr also

 Most popular one shot (by kudos): a mother's love (beating So While You Feel The Streets (It's Appealing to See) by three kudos)

 Overall: a mother's love

 From this year: ...a mother's love...again. which im very okay with bc im extremely proud of that fic.

 Most popular multi-chap (also by kudos): I haven't posted any (yet) I'm working on one but I want to complete it before I start posting

 Favourite story you’ve written so far: I had a lot of fun writing a mother's love and attempting to fit every character in there but i was born in a thunderstorm, grew up overnight (i survived) was fun to write to. i just really like jason having a lot of mamas.

 Fic you were nervous to post: probably going down in history as the worlds biggest idiot. i had ideas for that but depression hit and the deadline came faster than i thought. im going to edit it and put everything i wanted and meant to it in when i have some motivation.

 How do you choose your titles: spotify usually. or i come up with it on a whim while im posting. i usually never have a title in mind.

 Do you outline: Sorta? I write down the basic plot in my phone notes when inspiration hits and sometimes ill go and outline but usually i wing it from whatever idea i got. im trying to outline my longer fics.

Complete: All of my posted works currently. (8)

 In progress: I have tons of unposted WIPs. (?)

 Coming soon/not yet started: I have three zombie apocalypse aus(im weak to zombies. its why jason is my favorite) (dead robins road trip, outlaws boarding school, dceased rewrite), kate helps jason and alice with their trauma, cass verbally bitchslaps the batfam and helps jason reunite with them, lost days au, a series of jason being his moms sidekicks instead of bruces, a series of his moms killing the joker, a fixing the outlaws au, red hoodie au, mom hood and dadtemis au, more. i have more ideas than i have time to write. im gonna get them all eventually though.

 Prompts: I'm going to open up 500 word prompt drabbles when i hit 500 followers. 4 more to go!

 Upcoming work you’re most excited about: recently all my brain power is going to my fixing the outlaws au. 2000 words and counting!

tagging @do-not-careissa and @occasionalstorytelling

[esperantoauthor]

7, 9, 10, 14, 20, 38, 55 - for writers ask meme!

7. Favorite/most inspirational book?

I love so many books that it is very hard to choose! Off the top of my head, here are a few all time faves: Cloud Atlas, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World.

9. Favorite/least favorite tropes?

Favorite: Friends to Lovers

Least Favorite: Student/Teacher. 

As an educator this one hits way too close to home for me to suspend my disbelief. It gives me a double dose of squick because it’s got both a power imbalance and (usually) adult/underage pairing.

10. Pick an author (or writing friend) to co-write a book with

@blurglesmurfklaine I think we would have fun co-writing a fic together<3

14. What does it take for you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

My preparation for writing fics usually involves a lot of freewriting. I may do some brainstorming which is often semi-organized lists of potential plot points, questions I have for myself about the story, and sources of conflict. 

I will often sit down and just try to write the beginning of the story until I run out of steam. I have a lot of first chapters sitting on my hard drive ;)

I’m totally one of those “write by the seat of your pants” writers so I don’t do much in the way of outlining. I have used outlines to try to work out plotline problems (if I need to reorganize the series of events, and outline is really helpful) or just to keep track of what has already happened in the story.

I’ve never done research ahead of time; I do research as things come up.

20. Any advice for young writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

The best advice I ever got about writing was form my freshman English teacher who told us that the key to writing is to write a “shitty first draft.” It’s easy to get bogged down when writing by trying to make it perfect, but so much of it is about momentum and you can easily lose that if you try to nail it on the first try. Just get down something and keep going; you’re going to come back to revise later. It was good advice about essay-writing but I think it translates to narrative as well.

38. How do you nail voice in your books?

I assume this is referring to dialogue? For me, I try to actually hear the character talking in my head. This is probably why all of my characters don’t just talk in neat and tidy complete sentences; there are a lot of interjections and false starts. 

As a related aside, writing the stuttering dialogue for Express Yourself/Love Yourself took FOREVER! I’ve spent enough time with people who stutter, that I could kind of play the dialogue in my head and have instincts about what sounds or syllables they might stutter on, but I was also consciously thinking about how frequent the stuttering moments should be and that I was representing the full range of types of disfluences. And I still needed to think about what Blaine was going to say! It took much longer to get my ideas for his dialogue down because of all the stuttering, and I didn’t want to forget where I was going with it (especially since I normally type and write at a pretty fast speed. Honestly, it was a constant reminder of how frustrating it is to get your message across when your mind is moving quickly and your mouth can’t keep up. 

55. How do you manage your time/make time for writing? (do you set aside time to write every day or do you only write when you have a lot of free time?)

Since writing is a hobby for me, I write when I feel inspired in my free time. The summer when I wrote Express Yourself, I was off from work and didn’t have a lot going on, so I wrote most days that summer. When I’m actively working on a story I write at minimum once a week and often 2-3 days per week. I’m a pretty quick writer when I have momentum/inspiration but I also tend to need some “thinktime” for my ideas to kind of percolate and marinate in my brain before I’m ready to write. My brain is often turning over whatever is coming next in my WIP. Actively posting is also a great motivator to keep writing, since I know people are expecting the next installment; even just having a beta helps me write faster because I have someone to show my work to, even if they don’t really care how fast I write.