#I feel like I'm not myself. or.. idk. not in my body. and I don't know who's piloting it. we're both tired and dead.

[fatal-fantasyz]

Hey y'all

So, idk if this is a normal thing to do, but I'm making a small introduction so maybe a few of y'all could point me in the right direction.

I think half of this is wanting some tips to help me start losing weight, and the other half is looking for comfort here.

My name is Tatum, I'm 15 and I'm currently 128.8 lbs. For about 3 years I've had this thing where once I get out of my normal weight range I'm filled with anxiety, and a feeling of doom. Every day, when I look in my mirror, I feel disgusted, especially with summer only a month away. (I live in the south, so it's practically already summer in this heat.)

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I don't dislike my legs, I like my thighs, but I really want a thigh gap-- without having to have thin legs. My thighs are somewhat big, and I don't want to lose too much weight there, yet I still want the thigh gap, if that makes sense.

I like my hips; I hate my stomach. If I could carve the meat off like a Christmas ham, I would. I want a small waist so so badly, and to be thin from a side view as well. I think what I'm wanting is an hourglass figure? maybe a bit thinner than that. Rn I can fit in size 2 jeans, and a small in other pants, but they give me a muffin top, and its fine for other ppl, sometimes I even like it on them, but on myself it fills me with indescribable disgust. When I wear my shapewear tank tops it gives me rolls unless I'm sucking in; this could be due to my bad posture, but I'm not sure how to fix that. I want to feel pretty, and desirable, and I'm not sure if this is weird or gross, but I want to feel like more of a child again.

I have a small chest area, I wish it was bigger, and I'm embarrassed by it, right now I have a B34, and I want a high C or maybe even a low to mid D. I want my collar bones to show, I find that to be a pretty trait; I want those little dips on them, I'm not sure what they're called, but I want them. And I hate my face, I have a severe overbite, also known as a 'deep bite', and this causes very visible under jaw and chin fat. I'm going to the orthodontist soon to figure out how we can fix it. Either way, I want way less face fat, and a more prominent jaw.

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I asked my mom to make me a grocery order for some foods I've seen are good,

I got some:

lite nonfat vanilla and plain Greek yogurt cups

avocado

dragon fruit and passionfruit

tomatos

low sodium rice cakes and apple cinnamon rice cakes

apple chicken breakfast sausage

eggs

feta, just because I like feta

cucumber

siracha, because I heard it's a safe sauce

chili sauce, spice tends to impact my hunger

lite laughing cow cheese spread

lite riccota

lite baby bell cheese

chia seeds

and tuna

I'd love to know if any of this may make me gain weight, and some meals I could make with these.

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I have a boyfriend, who I've been with for 2 years this April

and I love him, so, so, sooooo much.

I've always had issues with comparing myself to others, and yesterday we go onto the topic of weight. Somehow, I eventually figured out that none of his exes broke 150, and that I only weight more than one of them.

I've never felt so much hate for myself, how could I weigh more than her? More importantly, how can I weigh less than her? He said he loves my body; he says my slight chub is one of his favorite things, I think he's lying to make me feel good about myself.

He loves me and I love him, but I need to weigh less than that girl. I don't know if it's for him or for me. I fear he's going to stop wanting me, stop looking at me, stop loving me, stop thinking of me. I need him, I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with him, we both date for marriage and both see this going there; but for some reason I'm still scared he secretly hates my body and wants to see less of me.

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I'm asking for y'all's help, idk where to start.

Some things to consider:

I just started doing agility with my dog, this involves a lot of running for me. My friend, Grace, told me not to try losing too much weight because after agility starts to pick up pace most of my fat will be replaced with muscle. I'd love to hear thoughts on this.

I'm on birth control, so idk how to curb the weight gain from that. if it matters, I'm on Mono-Linyah.

I have hypoglycemia, so if I just don't eat my blood sugar will rapidly drop, and this could really harm me. I also need food more frequently than three meals a day; those snacks keep me from losing my blood sugar. If anyone knows ways around this, please share.

I'm not sure what weight I'm trying to get to, but I think I want to start with 110 lbs. and see if I like how that looks.

Every night I eat dinner with my family, very rarely do I skip, so if I start not eating dinner they will notice.

I was scolded a lot as a child for wasting food, if I didn't eat everything on my plate, no matter how full I was, I would be shamed. It's very very hard for me to not finish my food, as I hate wasting. I binge a lot because of this.

I have a huge problem with boredom eating and bingeing as a result. When I get bored, which I often am, I mistake that feeling for hunger, and I eat when I really have no need to.

Thats all I can think of for now.

I hope this post isn't strange, or frowned upon, If so, I'm really sorry.

I'm just not sure where to start and I'm asking for some help, please.

Thank you all, I hope you're doing well.

Much love, Tatum.

[deoidesign]

One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)

We all start somewhere!

[daz4i]

grumbling grumpily bc i unfortunately have to admit that i am indeed getting better >:( like i actually feel excitement again for example. smh. i look forward to going out and being with people??? i am way more agreeable to trying new things and i let myself approach them with an open mind so i often end up enjoying them??? this isn't me this isn't my heart .

[owlbelly]

spectacularly bad idea today to try to finally go through / organize / "deal with" the crate in my closet where i've stored everything related to the ~10 years of my life i spent as a teacher

i only managed about 1/3 of it. turns out the process goes like this: in order to answer the question "do i want to keep this [art/letter/photo/journal] for sentimental or posterity reasons" i have to put one of my feet into a hole labeled THE PAST, & to answer the question "should i keep this [lesson plan/handout/resource] in case i want to use it again" i have to put the other foot into another hole called THE FUTURE

& both of these holes are bottomless pits of trauma, disability & COVID grief

[our-inspire-verse]

Embarrassing as fuck for no reason to talk in my real voice. I'm going to go crazy rn.

[khihi]

hm. feeling annoying and embarrassing to be around today. dont like that.

[gentlethorns]

you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?

[dravidious]

You're super neat

Early sketch of my commission from @quonit! It's really cute, but I wanted something more like o.o

[halogalopaghost]

I just found out that a tilt table test isn't like, getting tilted back and forth for a while, you lay there for thirty minutes and then they tilt you upright REAL QUICK, im gonna fail that test so hard lmao

[viridian-house]

I wish AO3 had like.....not a blog type feature because I don't think I want another livejournal but man I want to update my readers & user subs so badly

vertigo is kicking my ass this month. lots of doc appts and unproductive days because my head is just spinning and making it so hard to focus on a computer screen. they have no clue what's wrong with me because everything is apparently just fine with the tests they've done, which is equal parts great and frustrating

also we have a fuckin wasp problem slowly building in our laundry room and it's insane the amount of mental energy that's taken from me. it is so incredibly stressful hhdjdjd and we're lucky they're staying in the one isolated room (for now) but good fucking god it's so worrying

anyway the next chap of Reify is about halfway done, and Histrionis is very slow going too for emotional reasons 😩 the sinful obisakumada thing I'm working on is also something I'm slowly chipping away at but it's hard to write the fun smutty stuff when you're nauseated every day

I'm also working on a gundam wing 1xr oneshot but I really really want to have my naruto stuff ready to go in the same timeframe. I strongly suspect none of my user subs are here for gw content lmao

anyway uh thank u all for your patience with my stuff as I try to slowly crank out stories with a quality I can be proud of ✌️

[archiveofyearning]

.

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

[sevicia]

The way a lot of people genuinely think disabled ppl are faking it for x y z reason is crazy to me... what? I've seen a lot of people say that it's for money/pity but the thing is that when u start to think like that, you'll eventually become distrustful of EVERY disabled person u meet whether they're "faking" or not which is incredibly dangerous for obvious reasons (AKA: people actually fucking dying), and u end up harming so many people for what? for a few cases of people who wanted money? it's ridiculous to me & it's not to say that I myself don't hold ableist views because I have had to mentally slap myself sometimes when I catch some insane thought (to some extent I think everyone has ableist views just from the way society is which is bleak as hell), but it is more the fact that it seems like such a popular point of view and most people are just like "yeah just the way it is!" ?? what ???

[friendofthecrows]

Wish I had more of that stereotypical "refined genius psychopath mystery villain" vibes and less "dysfunctional no sleep cycle can't tell when/if they have emotions traumatized mess doesn't feel like a human paranoid future true crime psychopath" vibes. So that was word salad. Moving on.