#I feel like I'm not myself. or.. idk. not in my body. and I don't know who's piloting it. we're both tired and dead.

[deoidesign]

One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)

We all start somewhere!

[purpurussy]

.

[lovelaceisntdead]

i think i just need to rewatch lost.

[talkorsomething]

I have Got to get more transgender

[owlbelly]

spectacularly bad idea today to try to finally go through / organize / "deal with" the crate in my closet where i've stored everything related to the ~10 years of my life i spent as a teacher

i only managed about 1/3 of it. turns out the process goes like this: in order to answer the question "do i want to keep this [art/letter/photo/journal] for sentimental or posterity reasons" i have to put one of my feet into a hole labeled THE PAST, & to answer the question "should i keep this [lesson plan/handout/resource] in case i want to use it again" i have to put the other foot into another hole called THE FUTURE

& both of these holes are bottomless pits of trauma, disability & COVID grief

[khihi]

hm. feeling annoying and embarrassing to be around today. dont like that.

[gentlethorns]

you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?

[daz4i]

i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come

[moe-broey]

Petition to Stop the Passage of Time.

[halogalopaghost]

I just found out that a tilt table test isn't like, getting tilted back and forth for a while, you lay there for thirty minutes and then they tilt you upright REAL QUICK, im gonna fail that test so hard lmao

[blackvahana]

Yeah. Man. I'm just sitting here remembering I've been doing this my entire life. I feel like there was a patch I wasn't, part of the teen years, and that's either I've forgotten because trauma orrrr something else but

No wonder I've never felt anchored on this plane. But it doesn't matter, well, no, it matters a lot, but this life is just constantly isolating in how it works so I will keep the talk of not fitting in here and what being weirdly one got in one foot out has done to talking to myself lmfao but... I remember. I remember being in the garden as a really young child and I'm not a young child. I'm this chimaeric fairy-type thing of swirling and bulging colours like a psychedelic faceted-insect-eye's led trip, four or more wings of different types that are again, so ungrounded, so psychedelic, vivid. Not uncertain. Not half-formed. Fully formed, the starbeing in me just barely contained in the shape of the human-pretending-to-be-a-fae it's pretending to be

I remember so much, actually, and it's. it's just weirdly melancholic....? Maybe not melancholic, but it's so sad and I don't know why. Actually. I mean I've been trying to piece it together for like twenty minutes now but... People get a little irritated at me for being very "you don't understand and no one sees me" but like. I have lived an entire life walkinv streets where no one sees me. It's very complicated, there's. mental health stuff in there because of course I've come across a lot of spirits but I have bad issues seeing people as real but like. Man yeah no I am a snail and one part of me can be physically seen but the other has always been on the other side

[lovelaceisntdead]

should I get a ticket to a book signing on thursday.

[lachrymimosaa]

survived visiting my vain/hypercritical almond mom and only want to let myself be consumed by my dormant-but-always-lurking adolescent eating disorder a tiny bit after returning home

[dravidious]

You're super neat

Early sketch of my commission from @quonit! It's really cute, but I wanted something more like o.o

[viridian-house]

I wish AO3 had like.....not a blog type feature because I don't think I want another livejournal but man I want to update my readers & user subs so badly

vertigo is kicking my ass this month. lots of doc appts and unproductive days because my head is just spinning and making it so hard to focus on a computer screen. they have no clue what's wrong with me because everything is apparently just fine with the tests they've done, which is equal parts great and frustrating

also we have a fuckin wasp problem slowly building in our laundry room and it's insane the amount of mental energy that's taken from me. it is so incredibly stressful hhdjdjd and we're lucky they're staying in the one isolated room (for now) but good fucking god it's so worrying

anyway the next chap of Reify is about halfway done, and Histrionis is very slow going too for emotional reasons 😩 the sinful obisakumada thing I'm working on is also something I'm slowly chipping away at but it's hard to write the fun smutty stuff when you're nauseated every day

I'm also working on a gundam wing 1xr oneshot but I really really want to have my naruto stuff ready to go in the same timeframe. I strongly suspect none of my user subs are here for gw content lmao

anyway uh thank u all for your patience with my stuff as I try to slowly crank out stories with a quality I can be proud of ✌️

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them