#i like keeping my face to myself sometimes

[cloverapple]

How I Shift On Command + How You Can Too

I don’t plan on posting anything other than this or starting a blog, so I don’t need anyone to “believe” in me. The only person you should trust is yourself—trust yourself to resonate positively with what you see online and click away if it doesn’t serve you. This is here for you to take from if it resonates. I literally only made this blog to post this here. My hope is that it reaches at least one person who can take something from this and apply it to their shifting journey. If not, and this post ends up here untouched, I’m just glad to finally get everything down in words and off my chest. 

Jumping straight to the answer because I’m not going to make anyone sit through a long post for it. The rest, the "advice," is here if you want to read it.

The "method"

I figured out what works specifically for me as an individual instead of following everyone else’s journey. Everyone has their “thing” that makes shifting click, a sweet spot that makes reality shifting possible. For me, it’s a combination of the law of assumption and inducing an altered state of consciousness.

During the day, I spend time affirming—or sometimes just reminding myself or keeping a little note nearby—things like:

I can shift.

I know how to shift.

I could shift tonight.

Shifting is accessible to me.

At night, I watch videos, look at Pinterest boards, or listen to music that reminds me of my DR. This ingrains where I’m going in my brain. Sometimes I do this for fun, and other times I skip it entirely.

When I lay down, I always lie on my back and stay somewhat still because I like the feeling of my body going numb. This isn’t necessary to shift, but I enjoy it—it lets me feel the symptoms of hypnagogia (that in-between state of wakefulness and sleep).

To meditate quickly, I count from 1 to 100 with a few affirmations in between to remind myself of what I’m doing. I do this until my body goes numb, and I start messing up the counting. Usually, the mistakes or random, nonsensical thoughts are my signal to start shifting.

At this point, I begin affirming the things I affirmed during the day:

I could shift right now.

I have the ability to shift.

I have the power to shift at any moment.

While I do this, I focus on the feeling of being in my DR—not my surroundings, not my senses, just the internal feeling of being there.

This is where “brazen impudence” comes in. I hard-force myself to feel like I’m in my DR. It’s not about imagining my surroundings but purely about embodying the feeling of being there.

Hypnagogic imagery and sensations like floating often kick in at this point. These are symptoms of your body falling asleep so your awareness can take shape in that sweet spot for shifting.

I continue this, then stop and start counting from 1 to 100 again, with affirmations like:

I can shift.

I know how to shift.

I could shift right now.

Then I repeat the process: using brazen impudence to force myself to feel like I’m in my DR.

Eventually, I reach that threshold between sleep and wake—a liminal state of pure consciousness. Body asleep, mind awake, I call this the “rabbit hole” which is honstly just a deep state of hypnogogia. It’s a state where anything is possible: lucid dreaming, astral projection, slipping into the void, shifting—anything.

When I’m in this state, I use brazen impudence to force myself to feel like I'm shifting to my DR and don't take no for an answer (I tell myself I'm in Barbados and shut the door in my own face). This can involve affirmations or just talking myself through it, either way I wake myself up there. Occasionally, I simply relax, expect to wake up in my DR, fall asleep, and wake up shifted.

Does all that sound complicated? Let me simplify:

Lay down and get comfortable.

Count from 1 to 100 on a loop with affirmations in between until you mess up the counting, get sleepy, or have your mind wander. Like this:

Me: *counts from 1 - 100* Me: *says a few affirmations/askfirmations* Me: *counts from 1 - 100* Me: *says a few affirmations/askfirmations*

On a loop until...

Persist in the feel of being in your DR—not focusing on surroundings or senses, just the feeling. Feeling is the secret.

Alternate between steps 2 and 3 until you’re in that relaxed body asleep/mind awake state, OR just straight up hypnogogia tbh. (That is, if you don’t already shift lol)

From there, choose what feels right: shift from a lucid dream, affirm, slip into the void, or just feel yourself in your DR like I do, convince yourself that either you shifted and are there, or are shifting and will end up there.

One thing I’ll tell you now—regardless of your circumstances, how long you’ve been trying, how long it’ll take, who you are, etc—is that you already know how to shift. You, reading this right now. You know how to shift, and there’s nothing you did to learn it. There’s nothing you can do to unlearn it. It’s something that will stay with you until the end of time.

Why do you think people shift randomly without prior knowledge of shifting? Even people who don’t believe in it? It’s because everyone can shift. You can shift.

Right now, stop reading this post and say in your head or out loud, “I already know how to shift.” Or, if that doesn’t feel right, “I already have the ability to shift,” “No matter what, I have the power to shift,” or “My mind knows how to shift no matter what.”

Can you argue that? No, you can’t. And if your mind starts throwing out “buts,” go back and read that again.

Shifting isn’t difficult, and no one struggles to shift. I’m sure you’ve heard it before—that shifting is simple and happens in seconds—because it does. You don’t struggle with shifting. You can shift; everyone has the power to. What you “struggle” with, so to speak, is figuring out what works for you, what your brain likes, how it operates—because everyone is different.

What ended up working for me more than anything was figuring out how I operate and modifying shifting to fit me—not forcing myself to fit shifting.

Will my method work for everyone? I have no idea. Unless you assume it will work for you, this is what works for me. I’m me, and you’re you.

Before you say “Oh, but I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked so far” and expect me to sit here and ask you “but have you really tried everything? <3” , listen to me. 

I could shift perfectly well with my own personal method before I started shifting regularly. I knew it worked well for my brain, but the thing that “blocked” me (so to speak) were my assumptions. 

When you sit there and say “I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked” that’s your assumption about yourself. You believe that nothing works for you, that you don't know how to shift, that you’re this powerless, lost baby shifter who needs guidance. 

There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s not your fault, and theoretically you could shift even with your “blockages” (I really hate that term), as shifting waits for no one.

This is why so many people shift randomly and with poor assumptions without meaning to. But you clicked on this because you want to know how you can shift consistently + on every time, and this is the answer I’m giving you. 

You find out what works better for you, be it affirming, visualizing, scripting, shifting awake, shifting asleep, shifting with hypnagogia, shifting with hypnopompic, shifting through lucid dreams, shifting with brazen impudence, through SATs, robotic affirming, through letting go, through putting your DR on a pedestal, through listening to music, through law of assumption alone, and many more. 

If that sounds overwhelming, please note that all of these are the same vehicles that get you to your destination. Just in different shapes and colors. Like how some people drive a car, others drive a motorcycle, others walk, others swim. The movement forward is always the same. 

What you’re doing, no matter how you’re doing it or in whatever state of consciousness you’re doing it from, will always be:

Assume it's true, feel it, receive it. “Assume and persist,” “ground yourself in the assumption,” you’ve heard it all before. 

How to Find What Makes You Shift On Command

You could either test different techniques (affirmations, visualizations, scripting, lucid dreaming, etc.) and see what feels natural to you. 

You could (and I love this one because it’s a cheat code) Assume you already know what works, and let the law of assumption guide you. “Manifest it” so to speak. 

Pay attention to your life, because you already shift on command, you've been doing it your whole life, but I guarantee you haven't noticed it. Pay attention to you, like how easily you slip into hypnagogia, your dream recall, or how strong your intuition is, maybe you put too much emotion into a scenario you don’t want in your life and it inherently manifests, things like that. Pay attention to the thing that makes you go “huh, that was weird”

“But Clover, I tried everything you mentioned above and still haven’t found my method!” 

My darling. Listen up. Come closer—I’m about to let you in on a secret. The way you apply the law of assumption isn’t one-size-fits-all, because assumptions and beliefs are not linear. It's the same every time, yes, it's a law. But just like you, the way you can use it is unique to each person.

Let me tell you how easy it is so you don't think I'm over-complicating it

You could, for instance, believe you’ve got $1000 in your bank account right now and act like it, fully living in the end. Or you could believe you’re going to have $1000 in your account and act like it’s already on its way. Or maybe you believe something’s going to happen that’ll bring you that $1000.

The same applies to shifting. It’s been a game changer for me. I used to struggle so much with things like:

“You’re already in your DR, just act like it.”

“Ignore the 3D.”

“You’ve already shifted.”

Do those methods work? Absolutely, they work beautifully. But like I said, if it doesn’t feel good or true to you, don’t force it.

My dearest, darling reader. If the story you see in your 3D is that you can’t shift, can’t find what makes you shift, are you just going to sit there and accept it? What is more satisfying? Think with me here: accepting that you don’t know how to shift and cannot shift, or persisting that you do know how to shift? 

“Clover, but I’ve been trying for 4 years! I’ve tried everything and I still haven’t shifted”

So that's your story? Your story, your assumption is that you’ve been trying for 4 years and haven’t shifted? If you’ve resonated with the phrase above, that’s your story. And there’s nothing wrong with it, but! there will be no magic solution for shifting. Or a magic method. Or a person like me giving you advice, that can make you shift without you changing your assumptions first.

“But I don’t want to reprogram my mind! It doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to do robotic affirming 24/7, I want results now!” 

I know, right? It’s annoying having to do these 100-step methods, and drink charged water, and have to beg the universe for your desire, and loop affirmations in your mind that directly contradict what you’re experiencing in the 3D.

“Oh ignore the 3D, the 4D is your only real imagination!” they say, as you sit there, clutching your phone, rocking back and forth in bed, repeating affirmations you don’t resonate with while dreaming of being railed by your S/O.

Believe me, I've been there, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I asked myself why couldn't these basic steps that worked for everyone else work for me. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough, for being lazy, for inconsistent. When all that time, the answer was me. I needed to manifest/shift in a way that felt good for me.

Just remember, the law of assumption isn't complicated, and the way you apply it is not one-size-fits-all. Reprogramming the mind through continuous repetition and affirmation works, and if that resonates with you or feels effective, you should absolutely go for it.

However, at its core, you don’t inherently need to reprogram your mind. It’s as simple as assuming your mind has already been reprogrammed and watching it unfold before your eyes. You do what feels right to you.

For example, if person A does better with visualization and listening to music, why on earth are they affirming and listening to subliminals?

If person B feels better scripting in a notebook, why the hell are they reprogramming their mind?

If person C feels good reprogramming their mind, why are they taking the simple route?

Funny, isn't it? Which is why if you've read all of this so far, and you have not resonated with it, just click away. Go find another post or advice that feels true to you. The words I'm writing right now are not universal, they're not the absolute truth. That's the beauty of the law of assumption. Whatever you believe to be true, becomes true.

I didn’t feel good with the affirmations “I’m already in my DR” and “I already shifted.” Do they work, are they true? Yup, but I didn’t feel good ignoring the 3D, even when I knew the 4D was the true reality. So I swapped them for affirmations like "I'm shifting to my DR", “I’m going to shift to my DR”, swapping things like “I already shifted” to “I’m shifting” because those are the kinds of affirmations my brain loves. 

I've heard a silly bit of misinfo that these affirmations stating future events put you in an infinite loop, and that they don’t make you achieve your desire. That’s not true? At all? Makes me laugh, really. Because here I am, “master shifter” or whatever name people give it in this reality, shifting as much as I want to wherever I want with these types of affirmations.

Yet here I see every day on the internet, people implanting stubborn little rules and regulations to a practice that has been done for ages, a universal law that will work even when you don’t care for it to work. 

How I Shifted The First Time

The law of assumption is what made me shift in the end. Initially, I surprised myself at the beginning of my shifting journey because I shifted three months after starting it. I woke up one morning in my DR room, felt it was real, knew it was possible, but accidentally shifted back because it was too good to be true. 

What followed was a period of losing my mind; I shift back to my DR for a few seconds (mini-shifts), fully shifted to different rparallel ealities, and filled the hell out of shifting journals with my discoveries as I went along. But I never fully shifted to my DR and stayed there. I wanted to permashift. I was so focused on leaving my CR and going to my DR permanently, frustrated because I knew I could shift, knew how to in theory, but was stuck in this endless loop of assuming I couldn't make myself shift and had to rely on spontaneous shifts.

And then one night it clicked when I was reflecting on the law of assumption and reality shifting. I knew shifting was real. I knew I could shift. Everyone can shift. I had shifted before. I would continue to shift even if I gave up on shifting. I could shift that night if I wanted to. I could shift that night even if I didn't want to. I knew how to shift. And so do you.

These are all assumptions I went to sleep with in mind, laying there, feeling like an idiot as it all clicked for me. 

If there was no doubt in my mind that I could shift that night, why wouldn’t I be able to shift? 

What followed was an overwhelming sense of peace washing over me. I let go. What more was there to be done? I could shift. There was no crying or screaming that could make me shift more than I could right then. 

I laid there and started my process. Just like I mentioned earlier. I began counting from 1 - 100 on a continuous loop. With affirmations that I could shift, I knew how to shift , I could shift that night.

And then I reached hypnagogia, and began inducing the feeling of being in my DR, just like I mentioned earlier. That liminal space rabbit hole shortly followed. I could go anywhere I wanted then. I could lucid dream. I could astral project. I could slip into the void. I could shift, and I did. Just…letting go and inducing the feeling of being in my DR. Not the surroundings, not the 5 senses, no affirmations. Just knowing that I was in my Dr. 

It was peaceful. 

I was at ease. 

And then I was woken up by a violent crack of thunder because my dumbass scripted my DR wakeup scenario to be in the middle of spring, and it was raining -_- 

I woke up in my DR, fully grounded, fully there, pinching my skin purple because I couldn't believe I was looking out the window at my DR city.

I wish I could tell you that I remained cool, but I so didn’t. I sat in bed for a good 10 minutes, mouth agape, repeating “oohh fuck it’s real….ohhh my god it’s real…whaaat the hell.” 

And then I paced around my room panicking, giggling like an idiot, checking my DR phone because all my friends and DR life was on there as evidence, opening drawers, looking at myself in the mirror, and straight-up freaking out. 

What followed after that was incredible, something I lack the words to describe. I spent a few weeks in my DR before shifting back, spending a few weeks here and then shifting back–here, back, here, back and forth, spending more time in my DR then my CR to the point where I consider my DR my true reality, and this one as my “other” reality. 

I shifted back here in early December of last year, and I’m here now before I shift back permanently—meaning, I’ll shift there, and then the next time I shift will be to another DR or a waiting room somewhere in the multiverse. I’m taking a "break" so to speak and hanging out here until events I scripted in my DR start to happen, and my life changes (positively, all good things I assure). 

I’m not sure if the person or people who find this post will care, but my other reality was originally called my “Witch DR”, where, as the name suggests, I’m a witch :) But not the fun kind, with a broomstick, a cauldron, and a pet cat though 😂The kind where I have to be up early for work in the mornings, can’t keep a cat because the building I live in doesn’t allow it, and have more responsibilities there than I do in this reality. 

One thing I didn’t expect about shifting before I lived there the first time is that—it’s life. You will have good days. You will have bad days. You will fuck up. You will laugh so hard that soda comes out of your nose. You will cry more than you ever have. And the people you once saw on a TV screen are very real, and can be very annoying lol. I miss my DR friends dearly right now, but I can’t go poking around the internet for videos and pictures of them because it feels so weird. 

Gut feelings are strange. I use them as a compass in both realities whenever I have to manually flap the butterfly’s wings and take a route. I felt compelled to write this post, and I’m not sure why. But if what this post has the power to help one singular person and help them realize their power, I'll be beyond happy.

[shinsources]

more random dialogue prompts ,

“why do you have that look on your face?”

“finish what you’re doing, we have to talk.”

“what have you done to yourself?”

“did you do something different with your hair?”

“it doesn’t do any good to get worked up.”

“when was the last time we had a real conversation.”

“are you in the witness protection program, or what?”

“there’s something wrong with me.”

“no, i don’t hate you.”

“hey stupid.”

“we’re aren’t them.”

“looks like i’ll live long enough to make you pay.”

“you know you’re wrong.”

“i don’t understand, why are you doing this?”

“now, before i say anything, promise me you’ll stay calm.”

“what makes me so special?”

“you have no idea what i’ve been through.”

“you really don’t have to do that, not for me.”

“did you really think you’d get a second chance?”

“how about we don’t do that.”

“i have a lot going for me, but humility is not one of them.”

“you’re the worst.”

“i don’t need you right now.”

“don’t just stand there, looking at me.”

“i thought you were supposed to call me.”

“take my hand.”

“i need you.”

“you’re allowed to need help sometimes.”

“for someone who doesn’t like to feel things, you sure feel a lot of it out loud.”

“when this is all over, i want it to be you and me.”

“why won’t you tell me what happened?”

“you don’t know what this means to me.

“i know it doesn’t make sense.”

“i’m trying really hard to keep it together.”

“i know you’re new, but we do things a little differently here.”

“your voice is putting me to sleep.”

“did you find what you were looking for?”

"you knew and you didn’t even warn me?”

“well, i guess that’s broken.”

“i thought it was part of the act.”

“you think u don’t know you’re only here because they sent you?”

“you promised to call me if you didn’t know what to wear.”

“you can keep a secret, can’t you?”

“how could you do this to me?”

“put the gun down, dearest. i have news!”

“i know you don’t have any reason to trust me, but you need to know something.”

“if you’re here to tell me what happened last night, someone beat you to it.”

“people think i’m weird.”

“i think i’m losing myself again.”

“you can’t be here.”

“i wish you’d come to the funeral.”

“do you know what today is?”

“so, you broke my favourite mug… and you’re breaking up with me?”

“i need to get out.”

“it’s like i’m cursed or something.”

“you are remarkably well-behaved tonight, what have you been up to?”

“you gonna eat that?”

“sir, the pony rides are for children only.”

“i don’t want you to worry about that anymore.”

“we’ll never make it in time.”

“you’d be late for your own funeral.”

“you should have seen it coming.”

“oh, good, you’re here! hold this.”

“why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“on a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about nachos right now?”

“is this how you flirt with everyone?”

“how much longer till we’re there?”

“what have you done?”

“it’s time for you to repay that debt you owe me.”

“where did you get that? who gave it to you?”

“what kind of mother has thoughts like that?”

“i know I haven’t been what you needed, but i’m here, and i wanna help.”

“i never want to hear you say that again.”

“you’re all i have.”

“i know it’s not perfect, but i did follow the recipe this time.”

“i was doing so well until you showed up.”

“don’t eat that! i made it ‘specially for our guest.”

“it’s not that i don’t like my life, it’s that i don’t have the energy to enjoy it.”

“how can you stand this place?”

“don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t exactly blend in.”

“you need to stop.”

“i don’t like that look, what happened?”

“is that seriously your password?”

“what’s your problem?”

“you had no right to use it without asking.”

“oh, wow, you weren’t kidding.”

“i couldn’t trust my own parents to protect me.”

“i’m surprised you haven’t been arrested yet. wait, no, i’m not.”

“why do you want to help me?”

“ten bucks for that piece of crap?”

“we have to hurry, they’re coming!”

“hey, look what came in the mail!”

“do you want to get a drink or something?”

“please tell me you didn’t eat that.”

“the worst part is you didn’t even notice.”

“if i wanted help, i would have asked.”

“wanna tell me what’s going on with your grades?”

“you need to leave.”

“talk to me, okay? i need to know what’s going on.”

“i do blame you.”

“sometimes life deals you a bad hand, but you can still play your cards right and win.”

“you’re no longer useful to me.”

“i’m not good with sarcasm: if you don’t like me, just say it.”

[crookedteethed]

ᡣ𐭩 Beautiful Destruction . • ° 　 .　 *　: r. cameron

synopsis -- Some addictions aren't found in powder form. Sometimes they're found in the way he says your name between midnight fights and morning regrets. A toxic love story.

warnings -- 18+-mdni, allusions to smut, mature/dark themes, mentions of blood, substance use, domestic abuse (from both parties), jealousy, toxic relationships, angst, no happy ending...

disclaimer -- with having read said warnings please note that this is a work of fiction, and as a writer, I do not condone or romanticize toxic relationships, substance abuse, or any form of physical/emotional abuse. This story explores dark themes for fictional purposes only. Please proceed with caution if these themes might be triggering.

main masterlist(s) | taglist | wc: 1.4k

The moonlight catches in his hair as Rafe Cameron stares at you across his bedroom, and you hate how beautiful he looks in this light—all sharp edges and barely contained rage. Your lip is still bleeding from where he kissed you too hard, punishment for the marks you left on his neck, visible enough that everyone will know. That was the point, after all.

The residual high from the lines you both did earlier is wearing off, leaving that familiar hollow feeling in your chest. It started as just a party thing, but now neither of you can seem to face these conversations sober anymore. The powder traces on his credit card mock you from the nightstand.

"Stay," he demands more than whispers, and there's that dangerous edge to his voice that should make you run. Instead, it makes you want to push harder, see how far you can take this before something breaks. "Just fucking stay this time."

You don't turn around as you pull your torn shirt back on, trying not to remember last month when you ripped his favorite button-down to shreds after finding texts from another girl on his phone. The fight that followed left a scar on your shoulder from where you hit the corner of his desk, and a matching one on his forearm from your keys. You both swore it would never happen again, but that's what you always say.

"Why? So we can pretend this is something it's not?"

"Don't do that," he says, and you hear him stand up, the sheets rustling. "Don't act like this is just sex when you're the one who showed up at my door at three AM last week, drunk and crying about seeing me with that girl at the Wreck."

"I wasn't crying," you snap, but your hands shake as you button your jeans. "And I don't care who you fuck."

He laughs, that hollow sound that means you've hurt him. Good. That's what you do best. "Right. That's why you made sure to let the whole party hear us tonight? Why you kept saying my name loud enough for everyone downstairs to hear through the walls?"

You finally turn, a cruel smile playing on your lips. "Maybe I just really enjoyed myself."

"You're such a liar," he growls, crossing the room in three quick strides. His hand finds your throat, not squeezing, just resting there—a reminder of how he held you earlier. "You're so scared of actually feeling something that you'd rather destroy us both."

"There is no 'us,'" you say, but your pulse races under his palm. "There never was."

His other hand tangles in your hair, pulling just hard enough to hurt. "Then why do you keep coming back?"

"Because you're convenient," you lie, watching the words land like punches. "Because you're always so desperate for it, aren't you? Poor little rich boy, so starved for love he'll take whatever scraps I throw him."

You expect him to push you away, to finally give up. Instead, he kisses you, hard and brutal, tasting of bourbon and blood. When he pulls back, his eyes are darker than you've ever seen them.

"You want to talk about desperate?" His voice is dangerously soft. "You're the one who begged me not to stop last night. Who cries my name when you come. Who shows up at my door every time you're lonely because you know I'll let you in. Because you know I love you, even though you don't deserve it."

The truth of his words feels like drowning. You shove him hard, needing space, needing air. "I never asked you to love me."

"No," he agrees, letting you go but not backing away. "You just made sure no one else could. How many people have you scared away from me? How many times have you shown up just when I was starting to move on?"

Your hand cracks across his face before you can stop yourself. The sound echoes in the quiet room. It reminds you of that night three months ago—the one you both pretend never happened. When the coke and jealousy and rage all exploded at once, leaving you both with bruises you had to explain away to concerned friends. He'd grabbed your wrists too hard; you'd thrown a bottle that shattered inches from his head. You both ended up on the floor, somewhere between fighting and fucking, leaving trails of blood from the broken glass neither of you had bothered to avoid.

"Fuck you," you spit, but there are tears in your eyes now.

"You already did," he says coldly. "Multiple times. Loud enough for the whole fucking house to hear. Was it worth it? Did it make you feel better about the fact that you're in love with me too?"

His smile is all teeth. "Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"I don't love you," you say, the words scraping your throat raw. "I don't even like you."

"Keep telling yourself that." He grabs your wrist as you reach for the door. "But we both know you'll be back. You always come back."

You jerk away from him. "Not this time."

"Right," he scoffs, running a hand through his hair—the same nervous gesture he made the morning you found him passed out in his bathroom, nose bleeding, pulse too fast. You'd stayed then, nursed him through the comedown, only to steal what was left of his stash before leaving. "Give it a week. You'll get drunk, see me with someone else, and show up at my door pretending you just want sex. And I'll let you in, because I'm stupid enough to keep loving you even though you're destroying me piece by piece."

"Then stop letting me in," you challenge, even as your chest constricts at the thought.

His laugh is bitter. "Maybe I will. Maybe next time I'll have someone else in my bed. Someone who isn't afraid to stay until morning. Would that finally make you feel something?"

The image hits you like a physical blow—Rafe with someone else, someone who deserves him. Someone better than you. The jealousy rises like bile in your throat.

"Do whatever you want," you say, proud that your voice doesn't shake. "I don't care."

"Prove it," he dares you. "Walk out that door and don't come back. For real this time."

Your hand finds the doorknob, and for a moment—just a moment—you let yourself imagine turning around, confessing everything. How you've been in love with him since that first night. How you push him away because you know you'll only break him in the end. How you'd rather hurt him on your terms than wait for him to realize you're not worth staying for.

Instead, you say, "Goodbye, Rafe," and step out into the night, leaving behind the only person who's ever seen through every lie you've told yourself.

Through the door, you hear glass shatter against the wall. Then another. And another.

You make it to your car before the sobs tear free from your chest. Your phone buzzes—a text from him.

I hate that I still love you.

You type back through blurred vision: I hate that I let you.

You drive away, your hands shaking as you resist the urge to dip into the baggie in your purse—the one you bought with money stolen from his wallet while he was sleeping last week. He probably knew; he always knows. Just like you know about the times he's followed you to parties, watched you flirt with other guys just to hurt him, waited for you to break down and come crawling back.

Next week, or next month, one of you will break. You'll end up back in his bed, adding new scars to your collection, both physical and emotional. You'll share lines and lies and bruising kisses, pretending the chemicals in your blood are the only reason your heart races when he touches you. Because that's what you do—you break each other apart and call it love.

Maybe one day, one of you will be strong enough to end this for good. Maybe it'll be when one of you finally goes too far, pushes too hard, breaks something that can't be fixed with apologetic kisses and promises you never mean to keep.

But not tonight. Tonight, you're already calculating how long to wait before texting him about the coke you just bought, knowing he'll let you in even though you both swore last time was the last time.

It's never the last time.

a/n -- Thanks to anyone who made it to the end of this fic! As always, all likes, comments, and reblogs keep me motivated! 💕🫶🏾

taglist --

@rafestoothbrush @alexxavicry @trapistani @Hejsj @neslayuh @hotvampdragon @alyisdead @jelybely @elmolovesw33d @littlelamy @futuremrscameron @percysley @rrafeswhore @madzig @thatdesigirl17 @drewstarkeysrightarm @seqhyvnz @romantasyreader2024 @luizaelias @rafe-cameronswife @emmavzlsblog @aileenunfiltered @swe3theart-succubus @511rkive @morrrrphin @xcinnamonmalfoyx @obxrafeandjj @rafegf-real @theeternaloptimistt @iluvvmeeee @ecliptide @mrsdrewstarkeyy @blaustappen @disaster-rose @neslayuh @justdamnpeachy @rafecamlovr @lhhlver @upsidedownjill @niyalovests @cl4uus

[hees-mine]

Second chance - L. HS

Pairing: heeseung X reader

Warnings: smut, the usual.

Genre: ex’s to?

WC: almost 4k

-

“Didn’t expect to see you here.” You rolled your eyes the moment you heard your ex’s voice from over your shoulder.

It was a party your mutual friends were throwing, so you don’t know why he thought you wouldn’t be there, but something deep down is telling you he knows full well and just wanted an excuse to come up and talk to you.

“Surprise, surprise,” you mumbled in response, tapping the rim of your glass.

“You treat me like I’m a stranger.” he lowers his head with a soft chuckle and takes the vacant stool next to you to sit on.

“Not a stranger, but no need to be unnecessarily cordial,” you say, not sparing him a glance.

“Would it be unnecessary to at least treat me with some decency?” His question is almost laughable to you.

“The same way you treated me with decency back when we dated,” your reply is sarcastically, and he can’t help but chuckle.

“So you’re still not over it?” He says, referring to the breakup.

“No, I am. I just find it funny after how things ended. You expect me to just welcome you back into my good graces.” Picking up your cup, you take a small sip of liquor.

“The past is the past. We could always start anew, you know, maybe even be friends,” he shrugs.

“You can’t be serious.” Laughing incredulously, you roll your eyes once again, finding him to be amusing.

“Fine, maybe not friends, maybe we could be fuck buddies” his suggestion sounds even more humorous than his previous statement. This just kept getting better and better.

“So that’s why you’re bothering me? You don’t have any shame do you?” You finally look at him and he looks like the same old heeseung that broke your heart.

“No need to feel shame. I’m just a guy who misses his ex’s pussy” he smirks.

“You’re disgusting.” You scrunch your nose, making a face of disgust.

“Fair enough,” he annoyingly grabs your cup, purposely drinking from the spot that had your lip stain on it. “But don’t for a second act like you don’t miss the way I fuck you,” he says cockily. “Besides, if I recall correctly, the last time I had my dick in you, you said it was the best ever.”

You cringe at the thought. “That was then, this is now.” You keep a straight face.

“Okay, will let me give you a refresher.” he places his hand over yours. “Let me remind you what it’s like to have me inside you.” he looks at your lips, then your eyes, his tongue licking the remains of your liquor off his plump lips.

A shaky sigh escapes your lips, and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply, hating that he still had this effect on you. “I think I should get going.” Attempting to leave proves useless as he grabs your wrist, keeping you there.

“I think you should come back to my place with me. Come on, no strings attached, just me and you for one night.”

It’s hard to say no, it’s hard to think straight after five months, you’re still not over him. He pops up in your dreams. Sometimes, you swear you still smell his cologne on your pillow or the soft melody of him humming in your silent apartment.

Obviously, one of you was more affected by the split, that being you, and right now, instead of keeping your ground, you felt yourself slipping.

“This isn’t the best idea,” you mutter to him.

“So? Who cares, baby? Let me fuck you” his words sound gross in your ears but still give you a chill in your spine. His request is so nasty yet irresistible.

“I- I have too much respect for myself to allow this now if you’ll excuse me I’m heading home” you stood up and he quickly follows you not ready to take no for an answer you both weave through the crowd him hot on your trail.

“Respect? Is that what you call it when you were sucking me off in the public bathroom stall? Or when you let me bend you over the balcony? And don’t forget that time we spent Christmas at your families. You were so fucking needy for it you could barely keep your hands off my cock at the dinner table” You’re both at the exit now, making your way outside. The fresh air feels chilly on your skin, but it does little to nothing to quell the heat between your legs, his words going straight to your core, and you hate to admit how much just the memory was turning you on. “Had to cup your mouth the whole time while I fucked you 'cause you couldn’t keep those slutty little moans to yourself” he presses himself against your back, his hot breath fanning your ear.

“S-stop it.” You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to ground yourself.

“Why?” He places his hands on your waist, and you don’t push him away.

“Cause-“

He cuts through your words. “Cause it’s turning you on, isn’t it? Bet that pussy is already getting sticky for me.”

-

Read full story on my Patreon

[sojournerstales]

WF1999: Summer Heat ch.3

fem!drifter x eleanor

hey there. I think everybody has one of those hump chapters, but I figured some broader stuff out in writing this one. we're on loop 1, the year before the good end, btw.

03. I Like To Be Here

I can feel her breathing. It's through a layer of separation. That sensation of touch fed through the transference link. Eleanor's body against Mesa's. Mesa's hands on Eleanor's hips. Still it's there, body heat and a heart beating.

The last stretch home is made unscathed. We go down into the familiar underground, easily gliding by wrecks we have passed a dozen times before. Down here the soundscape changes. Everything feels closer and the roar of Eleanor's tomi echoes loud enough to drown anything else out.

Except there is that link between us. That psychic line kept open.

"Earlier. Back at the Zoo." I still sometimes worry that my thoughts projected would be seen as an intrusion, but I'm brave enough to start conversation.

"Mm?" Eleanor pulls back on the acceleration. The tomi reduces to a cruising speed and its roar pitches into a prolonged thrum.

"Something happened. I saw it. When you helped me up."

"Oh. That." Smooth turn. Eleanor and Mesa's body weight shift in sync to keep balance. We're almost home.

"Don't gotta tell me," I assure her, "But you can."

"You were being cute," Eleanor says eventually. She slows the tomi further. "I just wanted to eat you right up, my dear."

I feel a shiver and that gives me something to think about. It's my cheeks that feel hot, not Mesa's facial shell. I miss my chance to pick at it.

"Right-o. Last chance to brace yourself. I can feel the brooding tension of brother-dearest from here."

"So no chance of us just sneaking right through?"

-

No chance at all.

Mesa highlights two figures as Eleanor and I pull into the makeshift garage space. Arthur posted up by the task-board, his skana balanced with its tip on the ground and the hilt snug against the heel of his hand. Aoi sat cross-legged on the workbench next to Arthur.

"Lettie must be busy," Eleanor tells me. Her voice feels narrowed. I've learned this is the sensation of a private line. "There is no way she would miss this particular show."

We ride into center stage and Eleanor cuts the engine. Its final rumble echoes alone for a full second.

"You're missing a bike!" Aoi calls out at us, grinning.

Arthur grunts. It's a suitably dark and broody sound. He spins the skana once and then catches it. As far as I can tell, he's got all kinds of feelings about Eleanor and I getting close and I don't think all of them are good.

I have Mesa climb off the bike. She registers for my benefit Arthur's skana and Aoi's complete lack of conventional weaponry - highlighting then the metallic coils around Aoi's wrists. Before more detail starts to filter through I emerge from the frame. Mesa is rendered inert and I stand before her to begin explaining myself, "I wiped out. It's my bad, I --"

"While we appreciated the heads-up, I do not think you understood the sheer number that came after us. Or how fast." Eleanor's voice cuts through what I was going to say inside all of our heads. There is a brief, intentional pause for effect before she continues, "Personally I bless our lucky stars we got back here in one piece ourselves."

Arthur finally steps forward, "Maybe if at least one of you had stayed on communications --"

"Do you have any idea how far I have to go just for some peace and quiet? Apologies, brother, if I did not want one of you lot nattering away in my ear."

Aoi is about to say something, but she clocks the same thing that I do. Eleanor and Arthur coming face-to-face and a certain intensity about them. So Aoi gives me a look between the middle of them. I don't get the specifics of what she's trying to impart. I come from a world where thoughts and feelings are plainly spoken and Aoi just has so many expressions.

What I do get is out-of-signal radio static from Eleanor as her bickering with Arthur remains loud, but obfuscated.

"Listen!" I pipe up, trying to cut through whatever noise Arthur and Eleanor are immersed in. "Important part is that we made it, yeah? And lesson learned for next time. So why don't we just cool off?"

Aoi winces, but I think it's sympathetic.

Arthur scoffs and shoots me a look that could mean anything.

And Eleanor looks downright smug. I feel a small sensation in the back of my mind. A psychic nudge. Pat on the back? Soft elbow to my ribs?

"All I ask is next time you two decide to go walk-about, give one of us a heads up and stay. On. The. Line." He wipes sweat from his forward with the crook between thumb and finger, then addresses me specifically, "We're not on holiday here."

I hold my hands up in surrender. I'm not about to talk back to Arthur, not when he's worked up like this. I know how well Eleanor can needle him. We'll touch base later. He's already heading back into the mall proper anyway.

Eleanor is too, not turning to look at either Aoi or I. "Well I need a lie down. Ta-ta, lovely. And you, Aoi."

It leaves Aoi and I in the garage and she's looking at me. Really looking at me. And unfolding from her seated position and getting to her feet and coming up close.

"What?"

She smiles.

"What?" I whine.

"She left in a strop and came back in a good mood," Aoi muses, she shrugs her shoulders high and walks a meandering circle around me before coming back to my side and leaning on my shoulder, "You're good with her. Or..."

"Or..?"

"You are good... With each-other?"

"I don't know. Maybe?" I groan outwardly and slap my palms against my face.

Aoi takes my hands and pulls me forward a step. "Oh it's just so cute! You fixed the fumble, then?"

"I fixed the fumble." Why did I have to tell Aoi everything?

"Yay! We did not fix the AC!" Aoi delivers that like it shouldn't be bad news. It does soften the blow. "It's like a heatwave in there. Really makes me wish we had a pool. Or wish more than just my face and palms could sweat." Aoi looks down at her hands in mine, "Sorry," and her expression wrinkles. "Clammy."

"You're good." We let go of each other and side-by-side make our way into the mall.

Aoi wasn't kidding. Between the civilian population we had let in, the veins of infestation binding certain walls together, the sky lights, and everything else, it's a heatwave. "... I could have Yareli hose us down," I muse out loud.

"Is that the magical girl?" Aoi gasps, I can practically hear the sparkle-eyes emoticon.

"Yeah," I snort, "Criminal I haven't introduced you two yet."

"You will do that. One hundred percent. Once I am less busy. I might need to convince Amir that one of the arcade cabinets is to be sacrificed to the AC Gods. Or we find scrap parts from somewhere else."

"Anything I can do?"

"Ohh, you could hand out water bottles? You could..."

Work in the Central Mall never really ends. Even before we let refugees in. It's a place held together by spit, duct tape, and techrot. It's a home, too. I walk with Aoi to the arcade and see Amir challenging two kids at once on a pair of arcade cabinets. And in a similar vein there is a trio of young girls thinking they are being sneaky behind a planter as they all watch Eleanor walk by - fear and excitement. Arthur looks to be having an important conversation with Lettie. It's terse, until she puts a hand on his shoulder and I watch as both of them relax.

Finally - as I'm making my way back to my room - Quincy catches me walking by. Things are tense there too. He's still trying to figure me out. He nods before turning back to the pair of lads he was talking with. They've a box of merchandise between them. I doubt Arthur approves.

In some ways it reminds me of the camp Kahl had set up. Or even before then the underground networks of the last free people in Narmer space. And even before then I realize maybe this - this right here - is what Duviri's market square always failed to emulate.

Nothing here is so clean and tidy.

part 3 of 4?

prev

[scoupsakakitty]

hiii can u do ot13 seventeen x reader angst where reader is just FULL ON crashing out bcs things arent going her way? like the whole package (crying, frustrated, yelling) stuffs like tht. thank u sm if u do it !! im looking forward <333

Out of Reach | Seventeen x 14th Member | angst

When Jeonghan opened the door, he was struck first by the overwhelming silence. Then the mess. Scattered papers, half-eaten meals, and clothes tossed carelessly over furniture created a chaotic backdrop. But what hit him hardest was Y/N herself sitting on the floor, knees drawn to her chest, her head buried in trembling hands.

It was the sound of her muffled sobs that froze him. This wasn’t the Y/N they knew, the one who always smiled even when life hit hard. This was someone breaking, piece by piece.

“Y/N?” he called, his voice soft but laced with urgency.

Her head shot up, eyes red and swollen. There was something wild in her gaze, as if she hadn’t slept for days. “What are you doing here?” Her voice cracked, raw and defensive.

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Joshua explained from behind Jeonghan, stepping into the room cautiously. He gestured to the cracked phone lying on the table. “We got worried.”

“You shouldn’t have come,” she snapped, wiping her face aggressively with the sleeve of her hoodie. “I’m fine. I don’t need this.”

Seungkwan stepped forward, frowning. “Y/N, look at yourself. This isn’t fine. Your hands are shaking—”

“Of course they’re shaking!” she shouted, her voice suddenly loud and sharp. Her hands flew into the air in frustration. “Everything’s falling apart! I’m drowning, and you’re all just here, acting like showing up will magically fix everything!”

The outburst stunned them into silence. Even Seungcheol, who had been prepared to say something comforting, froze at her tone.

“I can’t—I can’t do this anymore!” she yelled, standing abruptly. Her voice cracked under the strain of emotion, and her chest heaved as if she was struggling to breathe. “Do you even know how hard it’s been? Work’s a disaster; I can’t keep up. My family keeps calling, telling me I’m wasting my life. And Yeonjun—”

The name hung in the air like a knife.

“Yeonjun left, and he—he doesn’t care! He moved on so easily, and I’m just—” Her voice broke, tears spilling over again as she gripped her hair tightly. “I’m still stuck here, like an idiot, wondering what I did wrong!”

Her legs gave out, and she collapsed back onto the floor, her cries ripping through the room. It was the kind of heartbreak they could feel in their own chests—raw, gut-wrenching, and uncontrollable.

“Y/N…” Mingyu stepped forward cautiously, crouching down next to her. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes people just—”

“Don’t say that!” she interrupted, glaring at him through her tears. “Don’t tell me it’s not my fault when it feels like it is! He told me he loved me, Mingyu! He promised, and then he just… he left!”

Her words echoed in the room, heavy and cutting. She buried her face in her hands again, sobs wracking her body.

“It’s not fair,” she whimpered. “I gave him everything, and now he’s fine, and I’m—I’m a mess. I can’t even look at myself without feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him. For anyone.”

Seungcheol, no longer able to hold back, knelt beside her. He didn’t say anything at first, simply pulling her into a firm hug. She resisted, weakly pushing at his chest, but eventually, she broke, collapsing into him completely.

“You’re allowed to feel this way,” he murmured, his hand gently running over her back as she sobbed into his shoulder. “You’re allowed to scream and cry and hate the world right now. But don’t ever say you’re not good enough. Not for him, not for anyone.”

Jeonghan crouched nearby, his voice soft but steady. “You gave him your heart, Y/N. It’s not your fault that he didn’t know how to take care of it.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she choked out. “He’s gone, and I’m still here, and I don’t know how to move on. Nothing feels right anymore. Nothing works.”

“Then let us help you,” Joshua said, his voice steady. He sat cross-legged in front of her, his hands resting on his knees. “We can’t erase what happened, but we can be here for you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“But I don’t know how to let go,” she whispered, her voice breaking again. “It hurts so much, and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“You don’t have to let go all at once,” Minghao said gently. “Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s okay to take it one step at a time, even if those steps are small.”

“Start with this,” Seungkwan added, motioning to the mess around the apartment. “Let us help you clean up. It’s not much, but it’ll make you feel just a little lighter.”

“I can’t—”

“You can,” Seokmin interrupted, his tone gentle but insistent. “We’ll do it together.”

With a shaky breath, she nodded, though her tears didn’t stop. They all moved into action Mingyu and Jun clearing the trash, Dino folding her discarded clothes, and Vernon quietly taking out the recycling. Jihoon handed her a fresh set of tissues while Joshua placed a warm mug of tea in her hands.

When the space began to look more like a home again, Y/N’s sobs had softened to quiet sniffles. She sat on the couch now, wrapped in the blanket Minghao had brought her, her tear-streaked face buried in the crook of her elbow.

“It’s not fixed,” she said quietly, her voice raw. “I still feel so broken.”

“We’re not here to fix you,” Seungcheol said, sitting beside her. “We’re here to remind you that even when you feel like everything’s falling apart, you’re not alone. You don’t have to carry this by yourself.”

Jeonghan smiled softly. “We’ll carry it with you, as long as you need us to.”

And for the first time in what felt like forever, Y/N let herself believe them. She still hurt, and the pieces of her heart still felt scattered, but as she looked at the thirteen faces surrounding her, she realized she wasn’t alone.

Maybe healing wouldn’t happen overnight. Maybe she’d have more nights like this, where everything felt too heavy to bear. But she wouldn’t face them alone not when she had them.

————————————————————————————-

[dravidious]

You're super neat

Early sketch of my commission from @quonit! It's really cute, but I wanted something more like o.o

[hinamie]

sry i have chronic only draws megumi disorder the doctor said it's terminal :/

[lunarharp]

if i just told you i love you would this world change

[isatartdump]

ALSO LIKE A THING I NOTICED NOW BECAUSE I NEVER LOOK AT THESE I ONLY LOOK AT THE COMMENTS/TAGS BECAUSE I LIKE SEEING WHAT YOU GUYS SAY.

Why are there so many of you. I don't fit you all in my house. I don't even know how to thank you kMDLWQKNE

UHM?? You guys are cool thanks for giving me a place to ramble? And post my little sketches. That you seem to like

It means a lot to me

UHM UHM HERE !! HAVE- HAVE MORE OF MY SIFLOOP SKETCHES BECAUSE I TEND TO DO THEM ON MY FREE TIME

There's also a sifzaloop hidden in there

Haha.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

chat ima blow up i think i need him

original post

[thelien-art]

Feel free to ignore, I just have the need to yell my frustration :

I dropped out. Anyway, thankfully, I can start a 19-hour schedule in start/mid January, so I´m very happy about that, but I'm still extremely disappointed in myself and my "health."

[eternalergo]

.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent misc pictures

[mer-se]

long day yesterday 💤

[yaoianimeremade]

Soon im rly gonna do it