#I don't know how my belief system will change in the future

[astralazuli]

So there's that D&D class quiz going around, & I took it & was so deeply offended I got Paladin.

& so I have had conversations with both Bestie & Birdfriend about this grave insult & they both were like, "Well... They have a point?" & informed me that my desire to absorb hits meant for others & deep drive to help whenever I actually can & strong convictions make me a bit Paladin-coded.

& I am just so... Idk. It's just interesting to get glimpses of yourself from other people's POVs. To be told that my defining characteristics are protecting & healing others & being incredibly fighty about the things I care about... Especially as someone whose brain specifically fixates on whether I care enough, do enough, give enough... Yeah. It's just kinda wild.

Anyway, I'm now adjusting my self-perception to include the fact that if I were a D&D character, I would be an Oath of the Ancients Paladin & not a wizard & that actually that's okay.

[whimsicalnancy]

— i got into the void state back to back 4 times

guys, i think I've found a cheat code to effortlessly reprogram the subconscious mind to enter the void state, tho it can be used for other things as well.

the cheat code:

so, I was honestly getting so bored of making and listening to the same old type of subliminals. you know… the typical affirmations on loop, layered with rain sounds or some aesthetic music. they worked, sure but I kept thinking, there has to be a smarter, smoother, unique way to speak to the subconscious.

so I was just sitting and thinking...umm if my future self already had everything I wanted. how would she talk? how would she act?

and this wild idea popped into my head out of nowhere:

“wait… what if I recorded a fake interview with my future self?”

like “hey, how has your life changed after the void?”

and me then answering the question and yapping as if I have already had mastered the void..

BRUH, HOLD ON

i’m not gonna lie, I felt like an absolute genius in that moment. like when I would be focused on the interview, background sub affirmation will sweep in through my subconscious. giggled so hard.

i did some research and let me tell you why this is a genius idea and why this would work.

• it activates neuroplasticity through simulation:

when you listen to a conversation that sounds like your future self casually recalling success, it triggers mental simulation a process where the brain mentally rehearses an experience. thanks to neuroplasticity, our brain begins rewiring itself to adapt to this new "reality," even if it hasn't happened yet.

• bypasses critical filters and reconstructs self-image:

typical affirmations often trigger the Reticular Activating System (RAS) to filter them out if they don't align with your current self-image. but when you're hearing a relaxed, believable conversation like "Yeah, it's just normal now, i don't chase it anymore" it flies under the radar. this style avoids resistance and quietly restructures your internal self-schema, making lasting changes to your identity without inner conflict.

• it engages the limbic system for emotional encoding:

subliminals that evoke emotion trigger the limbic system, the emotional core of the brain responsible for memory and behavioral shifts. when you hear yourself speaking from a place of fulfillment like joy, ease, or pride - it creates emotional anchors in your subconscious. this emotional charge imprints the new belief deeply, making the transformation stick in a way dry affirmations can't replicate.

my success with this:

i decided to make a subliminal based on that idea, for the void. i kept the affirmations low in the background and made the interview part fully audible. I recorded myself answering interview-style questions in my own voice, but as if I were already the version of me who had completely mastered the void. and putting it all together took over 2hr not gonna lie, but it was all WORTH IT 💅🏻🫶🏻

even while I was creating it, i kept getting this giddy, butterfly-in-my-stomach kind of feeling. like, listening to MYSELF talk about MY dream life? ugh, it was something else.

anyway, when it was finally done, i was like, "I'll try it out tonight." but of course, my curious little self couldn’t wait. so i hit play immediately. laid there, sometimes zoning in on the interview going on, sometimes just vibing with the calm music. halfway through, I started feeling symptoms but since you’re not supposed to focus on them, i redirected my attention right back to the interview.

and then BAM! everything went silent. like, really silent. the next moment i could hear the subliminal again. then it went all black. then i heard the sub again. it was like i was literally going in and out of the void on a loop. wild, right? 💀 i was laying there with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, completely amazed. then before i could attempt again, my mom called me and i had to go.

now cut to that night, i literally jumped onto my bed like it was a trampoline, put on my subliminal, and just laid there. and yep, symptoms showed up again. then pitch black. i was like, “wait, lemme check if I’m in the void,” and that’s where I messed up, the moment i brought my awareness to the 3D, poof, i was out. AGAIN. i was like, girl, what are you doing???”

but I was too tired to care, so i replayed the subliminal, didn’t focus too hard, and just started making scenarios in my head to help me sleep. and then, out of nowhere, i felt this wierd, tingly pull, my heart was racing like crazy. and yup,

there i was, in the void, the pure consciousness!

calm 💅🏻 quiet 💅🏻 all pitch black 💅🏻

this time, i didn’t even bother checking or analyzing shit. i just stayed chill and eventually fell asleep ‘cause I was completely wiped out.

did i manifest:

not yet. after my last void attempt, i haven’t really tried to get in again. i’ve been working on upgrading the sub and fixing a few music issues. but guess what? i’m planning to use the sub to enter the void again on my birthday and manifest something special for me. something i had been desiring for decades:) and when i do, i’ll show y’all, just like I did with my other manifestations in the past. better be ready babe.

final words:

if anyone else has already played around with this concept or came up with something like this before, big love and credit to you<3

and people, steal this idea! just talk to yourself, literally.

sit down and have a full on convo like you’re the version of you who already has it all. whether you call it your higher self, future self, or just “that version of me” .. speak from that place. out loud. say how your life feels now, what you’ve created, how normal it all is.

stop waiting. start being.

[mofsblog]

Defending Ending 2

Okay I've seen a lot of discourse around the "True Ending" of Clinical Trial and I just wanted to give my take on it. Spoilers under the cut

I know a lot of people didn't like Ending 2's light and happier tone and it being the True Ending and felt like it absolved Lee of any consequences and just put Angel in a dangerous shitty position, isolated with a murderer and argue that it goes against the whole point of the game… But I just really don't view it like that. To me, Ending 2 reinforces some of the game's central themes surrounding consent, neurodivergency and societal neglect.

While I do think Lee can be manipulative (ESPECIALLY in the Reject route) and consistently hides things from Angel, I do think the Accept route that leads into Ending 2/the True Ending is a product of Angel's own anatomy as much as Ending 1 is. While Angel chooses to forgive him initally for the shrine thing, they don't dismiss or downplay what he did either. While they do display some unhealthy thought patterns (the idea that they never thought someone would ever pay so much attention to them <- which is a belief absolutely fueled by self hatred) that could contribute to their forgiveness, they don't let that blind them from the inherent fucked upness of what Lee's done. This isn't a "Wow, you did nothing wrong. Let's date!" situation. It's a "You fucked up and you hurt me but I'm willing to give you another chance, if you change for the better" situation.

Same thing with the revelation of the murder. Angel does not downplay how upset they are to appease him. Even when they acknowledge Lee killing Brandon probably prevented him from harming future victims as he's a repeated offender who likely wouldn't stop, Angel still acknowledge that Lee didn't know that when he killed him. Angel is consistently able to voice their grievances with him and call him out on the wrongness of his actions, which is why I feel pretty comfortable stating that Lee and Angel's relationship, no matter how fucked up, toxic or unhealthy, is not an abusive one because Angel is always able to voice their issues with him and he is more than willing to listen.

The player, and by extension, Angel is also explicitly given the choice on whether or not to forgive him with both revelations (I especially like that Angel's given the choice to basically back out of the relationship, even after they accept the shrine thing, after the murder reveal), highlighting their agency. Yes, you can absolutely argue that Angel's decision to forgive Lee twice is likely influenced by their loneliness and need for connection and that does make their relationship a bit unhealthy (and interesting/hj) but again I don't think it's abusive.

I also want to point out that even if the Accept route, Angel gives Lee conditions. They don't just accept him willy-nilly. They want him to actually listen to them.

I think that Angel's ultimate decision to forgive Lee isn't just to date him, it's to give him another chance at becoming a better, more rounded person. A large part of the whole game is about how society (the education system and the medical system) tends to fail neurodivergent people, especially those most in need of help. Angel and Lee literally bond over their different experiences of neurodivergency (or implied neurodivergency on Lee's end) and how ultimately society failed both of them (with neither of them managing to succeed in ways they wanted because the system wasn't built for people like them).

There's also the prevalent mentions and implications of past punishments that we can observe through some of Lee's dialogue. He's canonically an ex Mormon, who was probably consistently punished (and abused) for any wrongdoing (some of which we can assume could come down to traits of his neurodivergency as it's not too uncommon for autistic children to get misunderstood and mistreated). Similarly, we know that Angel was put some level of physical abuse and mistreatment by their school in an attempt to "correct" their left handedness and even then it's implied that's only one example of them being abused by the education system.

Both Lee and Angel know what it's like to be punished and hurt after displaying a 'weakness' or a mistake. They've both been hurt by the notion that punishment is necessary to improve a person, which is why I find the Accept route so powerful. I've seen a lot of people complain that Lee doesn't go to jail or face "tangible" consequences but the way I see it, prison would make him worse and remove any chance he has of healing. While fucked up, illegal and his fault, his actions are still partially a product of his upbringing and the lack of support and therapy for him. He specifically mentions that he never went to therapy so he could get his job. Lee is partially the product of an unaccomodating society as much as Angel is. (Also I could go on for hours about how his Mormon upbringing probably skewed his entire view on how relationships are supposed to function and probably made him think love has to be in the form of devotion)

The way I interpreted it. Angel wasn't coerced into staying with a dangerous, harmful person. Angel sees parts of themselves in Lee and is giving Lee a chance neither of them were ever given in a life. They're creating a new life together where mistakes and fuck ups aren't instantly met with punishment or harm. Yes, Lee fucked up horrendously, violating their trust and ignored their wishes but they're both willing to acknowledge that and work on it because maybe for once, one of them's allowed to fucked up without facing an abusive 'punishment' afterwards. Maybe for once, one of them's allowed to fuck up and be given room to grow and improve. And maybe for once, Angel gets to choose how they want their life to go.

No, most people probably wouldn't have made the same choices as Angel but its still their decision to make. Yes, it's likely influenced by their pre existing loneliness and trauma. Yes, Lee would have to put a lot of work in to change himself and that will take time and there's likely some unhealthy beliefs he'll always struggle with. Yes, Lee and Angel's relationship is far from conventional or completely healthy, but fuck man, I think they're giving eachother room to figure it out together and idk, there's something beautiful about that to me.

They're both very mentally ill but they're trying and there's something about that that I find oddly comforting. Most media with the yandere trope never really provide the option for the yandere character to actually try to reflect on their actions and maybe learn better ways to cope and honestly I was so sure that both endings would involve someone dying in some way because these types of stories don't tend to go well. Usually, after a certain point, a character's just framed as "too" far gone, "too" mentally ill, "too" fucked up and beyond saving and they usually die a tragic or poetic death (i.e like Ending 1). But Angel looks at Lee and his actions and decides fuck it and to say no to that. They make the choice to give Lee another chance any way after what he's done because they don't see him as irredeemable. I just really like the way they both get to live in the end and make a better life together and what that says about neurodivergent and mentally ill people.

[moniquill]

So there's a post going around that I'm not going to engage with because my point is entirely different than what the discussion is covering there...

It's this thread: https://www.tumblr.com/galileosballs/783607164314976256/some-of-the-responses-to-this-have-been-in

(I will not be weighing in on that thread)

Here's the thing about schooling and Kids These Days from the elementary to the college level using generative AI (which is Bad for many reasons; I am not defending it):

School (for the purposes of this discussion, public school in the US because that's the only kind of schooling I personally have extensive experience with) is not designed to promote learning.

Lamentations about the ethics of the students who do this, about how this is devaluating education, about how it's frightening that future doctors etc are cheesing their way through medical school with AI all have their eyes on a particular symptom of a much, much bigger and deeper problem. That problem is ULTIMATELY capitalism, but on the way there it's about pedagogy.

I, from the perspective of not having been beholden to school for many years, can confidently say that I did not learn a single fucking thing in school between fourth grade (age 9; I learned how to do long division) and college (age 18, learned a lot of different things, absolutely none of them particularly relevant to any paid work I've ever had). School was a six to eight hour time sink (plus however long homework took) in my day that actively got in the way of me learning things WHILE piling a bunch of stress and trauma onto me that I had to spend years recovering from.

School, in the US, is designed from the ground up to train children into compliant workers. It's about showing up on time, being willing to follow arbitrary and often unfair rules, doing as one is told by figures of authority, and giving the desired answers to direct questions (while asking as few clarifying questions as possible). Curiosity and creativity are actively punished by public school.

"Does saying things that are true and that you know are true only matter when someone is giving you a little prize for it?" Literally yes, that his how the system is built. Under capitalism, there is no motivation to say true things that are true that you know are true. It is likely, in fact, to get you punished! If you want to change that behavior, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM THAT PRODUCES IT.

This quote, in particular, seems to miss the point hugely:

"Some of the responses to this have been, in essence, "well, it's not our fault for being raised in a bad educational system that prioritizes grades over comprehension". And you're right, it's not your fault.

But you freely admit the system is bad. That it values the wrong things.

So why do you limit yourself to only achieving what it values? Do you not aspire to be better than a system you know is wrong? Don't you want to change the world?" with a post script of "the system is bad and that fact absolves me of moral responsibility to be a good person” is CEO rhetoric frankly"

It should be noted that absolutely no one in the thread has espoused a belief that 'hat fact absolves me of moral responsibility' - they are all talking about ways that the system is rotten from the ground up and needs to be dismantled and rebuilt. Many, many people reblogging the chain are ascribing malice/excuse-making to people who are merely correctly identifying the problem. Explanations are not excuses; sorry that someone taught you that at some point.

No one in that thread has said "I use AI, and think that it's a good and laudable thing to do!" - that is not a position that anyone seems to be holding.

There are a lot of people in that thread who are indignant that anyone is going to college who isn't deeply invested in learning, as if that's the goal that sends people to academia.

We do not live in a world that rewards learning. We live in a world that awards the possession of credentials.

We do not live in a world where people pursue careers because they are inherently important and meaningful to them - they pursue them because they want to survive under capitalism. Most people are not going into healthcare, for example, because they genuinely want to help heal people who are sick or injured; they're doing it because it's a stable career that generated a livable income. I say this as a person who works in healthcare and deals with others working in the field.

"If you're using AI to get through your education you've not fucking earned your qualifications. That AI did."

No one has ever 'earned their qualifications' re: possession of a college degree. They have merely shown a capacity and willingness to jump through the required hoops.

Do you think that you can shame people into not using shortcuts?

I want readers to look at this thread:

which has a much more coherent idea of what the problem is and what can be done about it. I want readers to look into pedagogy; check out these old-ass videos:

And just... just go watch every Ted Talk by Sugata Mitra.

I think we as a society need to be far more honest in what the goals we have are and how they're best achieved. Most of the jobs that people end up spending their lives doing should not be asking for college degrees. Most people do not want or need to go to college. Most people in college, in school at all, are there under duress and the threat of destitution.

I really want people to reblog and reply to this with thier own thoughts - I know that's no longer vogue on tumblr, but I am trying really hard to bring it back. No, the replies will NOT be opened. Fucking reblog it.

[theriu]

I have grace on my mind tonight. Specifically, how misunderstood it is, and how that misunderstanding muddies up conversation with others about Jesus.

Something I learned some years ago, as I got to know some excellent LDS friends, is that in the LDS belief system, grace is seen kind of like a ladder. Jesus died for us to give us that ladder, and we have to climb our way up it. Basically, your own works, your own goodness, is still required for you to get the ultimate reward from God.

And honestly, I know a lot of Christians believe something like this, too. That, sure, Jesus saved us by His grace, but you still have to be GOOD ENOUGH to "earn" salvation.

But the truth is that the actual Grace Jesus taught isn't like that at all. Grace isn't like a ladder extended down to you - grace is Jesus's own hand. He's reaching it down to us, offering it, asking us to grab hold. We have to choose to take it - we have to grasp that hand (accept His forgiveness, accept His Kingship, accept that he is not A god or A son of God but GOD HIMSELF, who paid the price of death that our sins deserve).

But when you grab His hand, You know what He does?

He grabs you back. He lifts you out of the muck and mire. HE does all the work. He holds you TIGHT. NOTHING can wrest you from His grip.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

If it were at all possible for a human to work their way to God, to earn salvation, Jesus would not have had to sacrifice Himself for us. He didn't humble himself by becoming a human, live a sinless life, and die a gruesome, unjust death so we would keep killing ourselves trying to reach perfection on our own. No good deed can cancel out a sin, just like giving money to charity can't undo a murder. Only when someone pays the price for sin can it be absolved - and the price for sin is death. By being fully man yet fully God, by living a sinless life that did not earn the death penalty, Jesus was able to pay the price FOR us.

We still need to repent - we need to turn away from our sin, admit we need help, admit we need forgiveness and mercy (the inverse of grace, where we DON'T recieve the consequences we DO deserve). And when we do accept Jesus, HE helps us change and become better versions of ourselves. The good works are an outcome of salvation, not the payment for it. We do have to put effort in because our bodies and minds still struggle with sinful habits, but He is helping us, and the intent is to grow closer to and more like Him - not to earn His love.

When it comes to salvation, Jesus did all the work already. Please grab His hand and hold on tight - it will likely be a bumpy ride through this life. But I promise you, He won't let go once you put your hand in His.

(If anyone would like prayer or to ask a question, I'm open. Praying you have a blessed night, wherever you are.)

[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: what kind of easter eggs is the universe leaving for you?

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: rainbow road - where are you on your journey? what must you overcome? what's the final destination?

return to the masterlist of pap/pac posts

paid reading options: astrology menu & cartomancy menu

enjoy my work? help me continue creating by tipping on ko-fi or paypal. your support keeps the magic alive!

pile one

the universe is leaving you easter eggs related to nurturing and/or creativity - you may be overlooking or suppressing these traits. it might also be indicating hidden or neglected parts of your life where you need to focus on self-care and/or reconnect with your creativity. look for signs or synchronicities - like an opportunity to express yourself, or a call to nourish something you’ve been neglecting (whether that’s your health (emails or calls regarding your last visit), relationships (people trying to get you to come see them), etc).

the other easter egg here could be in messages or signs that require you to be observant. pay attention to little pieces of information and/or conversations around you, especially ones that seem small or out of place - they may hold hidden knowledge or clues for future growth. look for moments where your intuition gets a spark or your curiosity is piqued; these could be the universe offering you breadcrumbs to follow.

the final easter egg is related is found in wisdom from an unexpected source, whether that’s a tradition you’ve strayed from or a lesson hidden within your community/family. the universe might be encouraging you to seek guidance from a trusted source or uncover deeper meanings in pre-established structures around you. you might find answers in books and/or spiritual practices you’ve been drawn to, or from people you consider to by your mentors.

pile two

the universe’s easter egg for you could be pointing toward a hidden opportunity during times of struggle. while you may feel isolated or that resources are scarce, there may be a subtle or even unexpected support system available to you that might be taking for granted or have not noticed. the universe might be nudging you to look beyond your immediate challenge - notice help or resources that are within your reach, even if they are not immediately obvious. opportunities for support, recovery, and growth could be hiding in plain sight - whether through people, lessons, or even just a change in mindset.

the easter egg here suggests that the key to your current challenges lies in how you’re seeing situations. you may need to step back and view things from a new perspective. the universe might be leaving you subtle clues to encourage you to pause, reflect, and reconsider - whether that’s a belief, approach, or something you’ve taken for granted i don't know it depends on what resonates for you. it could be a sign that your patience and perspective will unlock deeper wisdom or solutions to current dilemmas. pay attention to moments where you feel “stuck” or frustrated, as they could be guiding you to shift your viewpoint in a way that leads to growth.

the final easter egg suggests that the universe is offering clues about your long-term stability and prosperity. whether it’s financial security, relationships, or your overall life path, there may be a hidden opportunity to build something very stabilizing. it might show up in your interactions with family or community, or even in small decisions that accumulate over time. the universe could be offering you the foundations for creating a legacy, it's urging you to notice how your current actions might create long-term rewards or the support you will need for future growth.

pile three

your first easter egg might be urging you to notice where you’ve been out of sync in your life, particularly when it comes to emotional, spiritual, and/or physical (im)balance. these are signs for you to restore equilibrium - whether that means taking time for self-care, setting boundaries, and/or integrating opposing forces (like work vs. rest or head vs. heart). the clue is hidden in the areas where you feel either overly stretched or disconnected (think of the time blocks you might have on a daily calendar); your path to balance lies in finding your middle ground.

the universe’s easter egg here could be showing you places where you’re not being entirely honest with yourself or where you’re allowing negative thought patterns and/or emotional baggage to cloud your judgment. there’s wisdom hidden in your vulnerability and/or indicators that you need to clear out mental clutter to regain your clarity. letting go of any emotional baggage, being more honest, or cutting through illusions in your life could greatly benefit you. in other words, the universe could be encouraging you to examine where your mental and emotional states may be blocked you and how releasing them could open new doors.

the final easter egg might be related to rediscovering your own personal power. the universe could be nudging you to realize that there are hidden resources, talents, and/or opportunities you may not be fully using (or even know exist). it could be a sign to stop doubting your abilities or take action to harness these tools you already possess. the universe might also be pointing out areas where you are not fully aligned with your authentic self, asking you to question whether you’re holding back or procrastinating, and to trust in your abilities to manifest and create.

[aeternallis]

one of the things most frustrating to think about as someone who did go through the immigration system in the US is the fact that there seems to be a genuine belief by a significant portion of the populace in this country that the immigration system is a simple, straightforward process, when it most certainly is not.

for one thing, the applications to gain some form of legal status themselves are confusing af to actually read through. most of the applications uses confusing language and can be upwards of about 15-20 pages worth of documents you gotta spend time actually pouring through.

for example, currently the i-485 form (application for green card) sits at about 24 pages, and requires a couple of hours to fill out. for most immigrants who know little to no english, either they would have to sit with an english-speaking paralegal to help them, or one of their relatives who knows english would need to be the one to help them out.

the i-130 form (application for alien relatives) is about 12 pages, and just as hella confusing to go through.

the i-589 (application for asylum) and i-765 (application for worker's permit) aren't too bad in comparison, at about 7-8 pages, but even so, the legal language is still a hassle to try and understand.

(yes, I have helped both my parents fill out all these forms)

oh, and did i mention that every one of these forms cost money to file and submit to uscis for processing? this is not counting the typical immigration lawyer's fees immigrants have to fork up in order to get some decent representation, most immigrants still need to make a living one way or another, or how else are they to provide for their families and give their children a better future? (and ya know, afford the fees to try and actually go through the process of gaining legal status here???)

not only that, answering any of the questions wrong on any of these forms could be enough for uscis to reject the filing or outright deny it. and no, ofc there's no refunds on the application fees.

for a country that has a horrendous literacy crisis, i would so love to see the rest of y'all try to take a gander at these forms and see if you don't lose your goddamn mind.

have i mentioned how fucking terrifying it is when uscis officers grill you during the interview process???? because yes, there is an interview component to most of these forms. as if their questions are literally designed for you to fail???!!

this is just a few aspect of the immigration process that's so broken right now, it might as well be a 10k puzzle piece scattered in a room.

the strenuous waiting time between processing of applications, the anxiety of the elections every goddamn year because politicians cannot fucking make up their minds with how immigration ought to be tackled in this country, all the while immigrants also have to deal with the stress of everyday life and whatever challenges that brings.

uscis is still working through a backlog of applications from decades ago, and some people in this country really have the goddamn audacity to think, "they have to get here legally and go through the process that way"???!

a fucking luxury (ignorant af though, mind you) for some of y'all to say, indeed, especially if all it took back then for your family to get here was through ellis fucking island.

my aunt petitioned my dad with the i-589 form over 38 years ago when he was still living in the philippines, and mind you, the visa number from that filing was only granted and mailed to my dad's old house last year in december 2024, when we went home to visit relatives for the holidays and long after he's already become a US citizen.

i'm not asking for people to change their minds about immigration or that this country ought to let everyone in, i knowwwwww the system is broken and terrible.

but what i am asking is for people to educate themselves and to be open-minded, to not dismiss the struggles of immigrants, because those who think that the immigration process in this country is easy are hella ignorant and will never understand the sort of anxiety illegal immigrants go through, for the sake of trying to provide a better future for their children.

[average-hyperfixator]

I've been having a goddamn conniption over this post (user cropped out bc I do not like starting discourse or inadvertently getting people harassed. if you find the og post do NOT harass them. This post is just my response to this take on this fictional character. I'm likely going to get heated because this game is a hyperfixation of mine, so I feel some stronger emotions about it. Any anger I have is pointed at the opinion and not the person. okay moving on.)

This take somehow manages to miss almost every major story beat of Curly's character and SOMEHOW takes his depression and turns it into a belief system. Like. I don't even know how this conclusion was reached???

Curly is not fatalist he's literally depressed and feels trapped in his life. yk. like. like how depressed people often feel. He's reached the top rung of the ladder in the corporation he's in and realizes he may have picked the wrong career altogether, and feels trapped because of it; that's not believing in fate. Nowhere in the game does it even IMPLY that Curly is fatalist.

here I have compiled screenshots that in fact prove the opposite

you see, if he thought the future was predetermined; why on earth would he talk about changing it? About doing something different, taking a leap? Why would he ponder trying to make a better life for himself if he thought there was no other way things could be?

like I hope we're looking at the same fatalism definition

Honestly, the only argument I even need to refute the point "Curly uses fatalism to avoid responsibility" is the fact he went into the cockpit before the crash. If he truly was resigned to fate, he would've continued to stand frozen outside, and wouldn't have done ANYthing. But he tries to change the outcome. He runs in there, and tries to save his crew. He (at least tries to) takes RESPONSIBILITY for JIMMY'S actions and his OWN INACTION in that moment.

Also. "Curly knows he's doing wrong" What? His worst crime is being too nice. His fatal error is trusting in Jimmy too much, NOT thinking he does no wrong. I don't even know how to disprove that because it's so fucking off character that there is nothing I could even show. yk I'm abt 90% this rant would make more sense if you just. Talked about Jimmy being a fatalist. Because he's literally the guy who thinks he does no wrong, and thinks he fixed everything, and that all the harm that happened was "out of his control, and had to happen, there was no other way!!" I still feel like it's a stretch even for his character but it makes more sense than using CURLY?? Curly is fucking depressed, not fatalist, and certainly not the main antagonist??? That's something I'm not even gonna touch on in-depth because that opinion is beyond the realm of saving. The antagonists of the game are explicitly the company Pony Express and Jimmy. The morally grey characters who could have acted more but didn't (mostly) are Curly and Swansea.

Curly still does shit wrong, yeah, but not because he believes his actions don't matter. Most of his inaction comes from his complex friendship with Jimmy and the looming threat of the company, not a belief system.

I don't even know how to TLDR this. Just. Curly is not the bad guy for being depressed and feeling trapped.

if anyone wants to reblog/comment to add onto this with stuff I might've missed go ahead I definitely left out stuff. This was made in a kind of angry headspace, I am so sorry for the swearing I'm not usually an angry person. Again my anger is towards the opinions not the creator of them. Again again, if you find op (doubtful) do NOTTTTT harass them for the love of everything. Debate and discussion are always open ofc, and if I get into a debate with someone I will not be as upset as I am here because that will not be productive at all lmao. Sorry if I seem super angry or bitchy here augh I just really like Mouthwashing and Curly and felt like this did him SUCH a disservice. Okay rant officially over.

[queerprayers]

I’m unemployed dropped out of school before I reached high school and am unbaptised. Does God care about someone like that

Welcome, beloved, to the blog of a high school dropout who walks dogs (but has never actually been employed anywhere), and was baptized as a baby and so did not have any choice in the matter! God cares about both of us, and has given us ways to serve Them in our own lives, as we are now.

Your employment status can obviously matter quite a bit in terms of survival, because of the world we live in, but itself has no bearing on your relationship with God. Whatever the reason you don't have a job, you have a life worthy of care, from those around you and from God. Being employed has never been a Christian focus--devoting your life to God has. Capitalism has changed so much, but please know that the ways the system (and those misled by it) shames you do not reflect the will of God. No human system can decide your worth.

Your level of education, similarly, doesn't say anything about you that God cares about. I dropped out of school for health reasons--whatever yours are, even if you don't feel they're good, whatever! High school was invented like 200 years ago, and has nothing to do with God's care for you. Education is holy--reading, talking to different kinds of people, learning about history and the natural world, thinking about God. This knowledge is in schools but it's also everywhere else. I'm not telling everyone reading this to drop out of high school, but I am saying that there are so many beautiful paths without it. I would also point out that in many places, there is support for people who left schooling early--my city, for instance, has free GED (high school equivalency diploma) programs. If that's something you want to change (of your own volition, not because God will care about you any differently), it's very possible that you can.

Baptism is the most easily changed thing on this list, if you seek it. Most churches require some discussion beforehand, maybe a class to learn about the denomination, but there aren't huge barriers (and there is no test of worthiness). If it's not in your future, for whatever reason, I can still tell you God cares about you, fully, as you are. Baptism is lots of things for lots of people--a symbol, a physical manifestation of grace, a welcoming into a Christian community, a sealing of a covenant--but it has never been the first moment of care from God. That has already passed--it was the first moment you existed. To say you need to be baptized for God to care about you is to say that God doesn't care about anyone from any other religion, or about those who die before baptism--what a sad life that would be. What a limiting belief.

I don't know you, but I have faith you treat others well. I have faith you wouldn't tell me God didn't care about me because of my job or schooling. So don't do that to yourself. I hate to break it to you, but you have no say in the matter. It doesn't matter how worthy you are, or how much you're succeeding by our current society's standards. God is love, a love which keeps no record of wrongs, a love which does not weigh with the measures of this world, a love which cannot be contained in the rituals of an institutional church, a love which does not require knowledge or action or belief to surround us. We are saved by this love, not by a diploma or paycheck or a pastor's words.

Go in peace, beloved. Glorify God with your life, not with someone else's. And anyone who tells you that there are limits on God's care is not talking about the God of the Bible--who works through the underdog, who turns any idea of worthiness on its head, who picks the younger son and the tax collector, the unwed mother and the poor father. God comes to where we are, and takes us by the hand.

<3 Johanna

[mydogatemymotivation]

So much for not posting a wall of text… long post. Sorry.

These are some of my thoughts on a Lasat religion. Musings. Ramblings, if you will. This is fun for me. This is how I have fun. But it might read a little bit like homework so. sorry about that. I'll at least be posting one more part to this. Maybe two. But for now here's whatever this is

So first of all, I don't think there's one universal religion that all Lasat follow. There are, like, six different types of Christianity with double digit subcategories from there. Protestants break down further into Reformed, Anglican, Baptist, and every one of those breaks down further too. And that's only one religion of thousands here on one planet. If we're talking about two densely populated planets there could be any number of interpretations of religion, so trying to narrow down one core belief system is inherently flawed. Though there does seem to be one general belief in the Ashla, I would argue it's maybe in the same way many different human religions all seem to have some sort of king-god; Zeus, Jupiter, Amun, Baal, Indra, Odin, etc. There may even be groups of people who don't believe in the Ashla at all but rather have an entirely separately developed belief system.

Ashla/Bendu/Bogan

Trinities are really, really common in religions across the world. They represent a three-fold nature of religion, though the specific meanings of each trinity can change religion to religion. But most trinities are seen as a unifier of dualities. The trinity is separate from each other but form a whole. All is one, one is all (if I rewatch FMA soon mind your business). Some examples: [Greek] Zeus (sky), Poseidon (Earth), Hades (underworld); the three fates; the three gorgons (Stheno, Euryale, and Medusa); Cerberus; Hekate; [Christianity] The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit; [Tao Te Ching and Buddhism] Buddha, Dharma (law or action), Sangha (community); [Jainism] Samyag-Darsana (correct insight), Samyag-Jnana (correct knowledge), Samyag-Charitra (correct conduct); [Hinduism] Brahma (Creator), Vishnu (Sustainer), and Krishna (Destroyer); [Zurvanism (a branch of Zoroastrianism)] Zurvan, Ahura Mazda, and Ahriman (I'm going to get more into this later). These are just examples of how present trinities are in religion (even if they’re not all capital-T Trinities). Trinities represent balance and the process of knowing the divine. The trinity is a human construct to help explain divinity, it's not inherently divine. With this interpretation the Ashla/Bendu/Bogan is the trinity of Lasat religion.

As a trinity, each of the three points has to represent something, and one is usually going to be physical somehow. Poseidon representing the Earth and Sea; Vishnu being the Sustainer; Samyag-Charitra, correct conduct, as in how you treat living people now; the Body of Mind, Body, and Soul; the Present of Past, Present, Future, and so on. This isn't a hard and fast rule, just something that I've noticed. In this case, The Bendu would best represent the Body. He's the only physical manifestation of this religion that we actually see, the other two are faith based. He also lives in a desert. I've always envisioned the desert as the bones of the Earth, almost. Like a peak behind the curtain. The trees and grass and forests are all still part of nature but they hide the Earth itself. But in a desert you can see the actual body of the Earth. Of the Warrior, the Fool, and the Child, the Bendu best represents the Child. Both the warrior and the fool were children once, making it the unifying/balancing factor of the trinity. They're also quite childish, throwing a full-on tantrum when asked to help - which isn't an unreasonable thing for a human to ask a god, btw. I'm torn about who's the Fool and who's the Warrior. If the Bogan is the Warrior it's because they're bold and bloodthirsty. If the Bogan in the Fool it's because they're selfish and simple, unable to see potential. If the Ashla is the Warrior is because they're honorable and protective, but if the Ashla is the Fool it's because they're also simple, blindly optimistic, unable to see danger.

I feel like this alone could be a religious schism, actually. (And in fact it kind of is. This is often the logic Satanists use about Christianity. The roles flip the Christian God goes from protector to jailer and Satan goes from opponent to liberator). I do believe they're some kind of family though, whatever their roles may be. Not being able to tell who is the fool and who is the warrior lines up with what Chava said. That everybody may be all three throughout their life. It also makes sense for a trinity, where all is one, one is all. (Also if the Ashla is the Warrior, then the Honor Guard could be seen as a direct manifestation of her will. So maybe someone like Chava, a spiritual leader, was the true leader of the Honor Guard and the Captain was chosen by her to oversee her orders, kind of like the Oracle in Ancient Greece.)

Then there's dualism. Which is two opposing forces feeding off of each other. This does exist, but, to my knowledge, I don't think it's nearly as present as trinities. There are some old heretical sects of Christianity that subscribe to a dualist ideology like the Bogomils. The Egyptian pantheon, despite being polytheistic, have an implied duality between Osiris and Seth. And Orthodox Zoroastrianism, with the balance between the Ahura Mazda and the Angra Mainyu. With this interpretation, the Ashla and the Bogan are opposing dualistic forces. This leaves the Bendu out, but 1) I actually don't know if the Bendu is a part of the Lasat religious system at all or if we just assume that it is (I assume it is, I like that, but I don't know if it was ever stated in the show. Or maybe it was and I just don't remember). And 2) It's also possible that the Bendu is still a mythological figure just not necessarily a deified figure, or a lower-level figure (like how the Virgin Mary is a mythological figure in Christianity but isn't a 'god' in the same way God, Jesus, or the Devil are).

For the focus on dualism, I want to focus on the Ashla and the Bogan. I like the connection of a dualistic reading to the jedi because they have a very dualistic view of the universe. Light side vs Dark side. This also kind of ties into what Kanan said about the force having many different names. Full disclosure: I hate that line and that line of thought. I think it's part of the reason why some people joke about the Jedi feeling very Christian. Like, no, your beliefs are not the secret true beliefs of all religions. Very icky line. For me, at least. Very dismissive of Zeb's entire belief system. And in front of a whole ass spiritual leader, too. But similar themes across religions are to be expected, which is what I think they were trying to get at, even if they missed a little. The interconnection with the rest of the galaxy and the mirroring of the way the jedi view the force is something I like about looking at a dualistic view of Lasat religion but, the problem is the Bendu. But maybe there are heretical denominations that deliberately leave him out. (Heresy is generally a Christian term but it means that someone is teaching religion in a way that is different to the official position of the church.) (Blasphemy is speaking sacrilegiously and showing a lack of respect for God, and Apostasy is renouncing God altogether. These words get mixed up a lot and it’s a pet peeve of mine. Anyway.)

Lastly there's Monotheism. I feel like I don't really need to go into detail for this one. Christianity, Judaism, Islam are the most famous monotheistic religions. And Zoroastrianism pops up again here with Gathic Monotheism which is one of the oldest monotheistic religions in the world, older than Judaism (and subsequently Christianity and Islam), and many historians argue that all three religions took at least some inspiration from Zoroastrianism. This would place the Ashla as the singular divine and the Bogan more like the Devil. Subservient and powerful, but not all powerful. The Bendu in this case could be something more like an Angel. Or the Bendu is the Satanic figure of a monotheistic view because he’s the one that actually lives in a physical body – as in fell from grace. This is an interesting look at the three of them and the Bendu and Bogan can both still exist; this just makes the Ashla the most powerful of the three. But I also don't feel particularly strongly about it.

I have nothing against it necessarily, but, and maybe this is a me issue, I feel like monotheism is really unbalanced in general. It’s all about looking up toward the godhead of the religion without a lot of connection to the real world you live in with real people and that bothers me. You have to make a conscious decision to connect to the world around you rather than having a built-in reverence for the world as it is. However, if Lasan specifically has a legend about leaving their world and going home to the rest of their people, looking up toward a singular god rather than forging a strong spiritual connection to the planet they’re on makes some sense. I think it would be really interesting if Lira San had been seen, by some, as more of a Heaven, rather than an actual, physical place, which would be why Zeb was so irritated with Chava at first. Monotheism also lends itself to monarchy well. Yes, other religions have monarchies attached to them but something about a singular god and a singular monarch, and the divine right of kings just sits well together narratively. I think so, at least. So maybe there are monotheistic views that are exclusive to Lasan.

Ok. I’m going to leave that there for now. I didn’t even get to Zoroastrianism yet which is what I wanted to talk about, but I’m writing that now (posted here!). Sorry for the wait. Hope it wasn’t anticlimactic. I just. In order to build a religion, you have to understand the building blocks of religion and what kind of society will mesh with what kind of religion you want your characters to have.

[thesensteawitch]

Which World Did You Come From?🌼🍂

And Who You Were?🍂🌼🍂🌼🍂

Pick A Pile Reading

(Left to Right--- Pile 1, Pile 2, Pile 3)

Hey, Senstea Souls!

This is a collective reading that will tell you about the world from where you came and most importantly your soul's traits. This reading will give you some nuance about your present traits too. Choose a pile intuitively and enjoy reading.

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Pile 1

Tarot Cards- The Hermit, The Hangedman, 3 of Pentacles, 9 of Pentacles, 4 of Swords, The High Priestess, Death, Queen of Pentacles

Pile 1, I see that you come from a world that was all about ebbs and flows. Maybe a world of water. In that world, you ruled the sign Scorpio with the spirit of a lion. Your world had seen the extremes of everything possible that was there. You were somebody who shook the world's core. I hear, “Just because I miss you doesn't mean I want you back. And just because I almost called doesn't mean I wish I had.” You were so bold pile 1. You were somebody who knew the depths of emotions and you weren't ever ever ever afraid to choose one extreme and then switch to another extreme. No, you weren't like a chameleon. It just means that you were so fierce that it didn't bother you to go to the depth of the situation and reach their bottom. You could look longggg back in the past and too far into the future. People around you who ruled other zodiac signs were surprised to see such a gesture of yours. They wanted to know the secret behind your genius and capabilities. Indeed you carried the secret on your sleeve but no one had access to it even if it was in front. You were definitely a teaser. You loved teasing others. You have seen relationships and have also been alone. You know the ultimate sacrifice that hangs in between the choice of being alone and being with someone. You took a deep rest before emerging as a destroyer. You knew destruction and would wholeheartedly do it. Not because you were a sadist but in the hope of re-establishing a better world. You were the change maker. Others may even fear you but because they knew your merciful side they also pleaded for mercy. You only gave mercy after weighing the scales of justice. Don't take this negatively pile 1, it's like cleansing the whole system of toxins. You had a great belief in a creator. You never for a second thought yourself to be God though you were performing such trembling tasks on God's demand. You were the catalyst that brought boon after doom and doom after a boon (but that was a blessing in disguise). Your ways were extreme but needed. You first mastered yourself and then became the master of the depths of order and chaos. Only a few knew you personally. People may easily be intimidated by you even in this life. You had a small circle though everyone knew you. But you knew only a few intimately. Your heart just wanted to see more growth and more depth. It never settled. Your world never settled for less either. It was an ever-changing and ever-growing world. You had EVERYTHING comfortable yet you weren't afraid to build from scratch over and over again. Some great figures on Earth came from the same world as yours.

The zodiac signs I feel intuitively in this pile are Leo and Scorpio.

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Pile 2

Tarot Cards- 6 of Pentacles, The Hermit, The Chariot, Ace of Wands, 7 of Cups, Knight of Swords, Justice, The World

Pile 2 you come from a world that focuses on preparing for Earth. You were the souls who didn't know how to handle the ways of Earth. The souls that would change their minds at the last minute regarding coming to the 3D world. You ruled the zodiac sign Capricorn. So it's obvious that you worked really hard to make sure that you achieve your goal. But you were someone who would get depressed easily when their goals weren't fulfilled. You always thought for others. You felt responsible for learning as soon as possible so that you could fulfill your duties on Earth. You preferred spending time alone and avoided unnecessary drama. You had big visions regarding Earth. You just wanted to finally enter the 3D world. You had your desires under control. You had everything under control. There was no place for chaos in your heart and that is exactly what you wanted for your world too. But when has it ever happened that we wanted something to be a certain way and it remained that way? Sometimes your ambition took the best of you. You made decisions in a hurry to come to Earth you made the wrong decisions that brought chaos. You were a perfectionist and the chaos pissed you off. You were just and honest but couldn't wrap your head around the phrase, “There must be room for making mistakes.” Your so many desires and ambitions took the best of you. You were easily manipulated emotionally because you felt responsible for everyone around you. Because you were honest and pure-hearted you entered the 3D world but the journey had its ups and downs despite your wish. You were the light when everyone around you felt scared of coming down to Earth. You gave them hope and assurance. But sometimes you lack that for yourself. You also needed someone who could motivate you but that didn't happen. You helped others but you also kept absorbing others' fears. This may be a challenge for you even in this lifetime. Overanalyzing is something you may be fond of doing on Earth too. Mountains or hills were quite prominent in your world. Climbing high on the ladder was important to everyone eventually. So that each one of them can find the courage to enter Earth. You were training others and yourself to come out of the cycles of karma by finding the courage to face the challenges on Earth. I feel that this pile has strong earth placements (Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn). Slow and steady wins the race. Your journey was slow no matter how hard you tried to quickly reach the end. Too much hurry only backfired at you.

I hear, “I should not be left to my own devices. They come with prices and vices I end up in crisis (tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming. One day I'll watch as you're leaving 'cause you got tired of my scheming”. I also hear, “Sometimes I feel everybody is a sexy baby and I am a monster on the hill.” You were the one who set the rules so it was obvious that some even talked behind your back. That made you feel lonely at times. It's easy for especially Capricorns to feel, “It's me, hi, I am the problem it's me.” Well, I guess it was exhausting for others to keep rooting for the anti-hero. Because you showed them the reality and showed them the path they must follow. Some of the residents of that world wanted to be freed and not face the Earth. You were amazing pile 2. Believe me. If you still feel the same on this planet then I am sending you hugs and love. You are perfect just the way you are. Not everybody needs to like you. We aren't meant to be remembered forever but certain people make you think that you'll be. And you'll find such people in this lifetime.

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Pile 3

Tarot Cards- The Fool, The Tower, Seven of Cups, Two of Swords, Nine of Cups, The Empress, Nine of Wands, Five of Pentacles

Pile 3 you come from a world of dreams and wishes. You were assigned the zodiac sign Pisces. You do not have many resources to work on making dreams come true. I hear, “Something I am not, Something I can be. Something I wait for, something I am made for.” Perhaps in this lifetime, your objective is to find that something. Because in your world just with faith you built towers but also saw them churning down to nothing. But you never backed down you kept moving ahead. The only thing you did wrong was carry the weight of your failures when you had so much to achieve to be grateful for. Your world literally sold dreams. You were the master of that shop. Though you created some masterpieces of dreams you didn't know which dream to give whom. The mantra of your world was simple, “as you wish.” You created heaven for yourself. You knew what you wanted for yourself but not for others. Perhaps you faced destruction only to learn the emotions and qualities of others around you so that you can guide them well. An artist can only understand human emotions deeply. But after fighting the tough battle to reach your dream you left the battlefield just when you were about to win with perseverance. You settled for less. In this lifetime you are advised to dream big. Find inspiration from others and gather the courage to dream as big as you possibly can because the Universe wants you to show that no matter how big you imagine the Universe will always have something bigger to give you that you could have never imagined in your wildest dreams. I hear, “I was running far away would I run out of the world someday? No, take me home where I belong.” You, my pile 3, need to find your way back to the source, to the creator. You are beyond creative. You have the capability to create masterpieces in your work only if you allow yourself to explore the 3D world. Eventually after looking in all the wrong directions you will find the true purpose of your life. Life moves in cycles for you. Your destination is right at the beginning. You lost your faith while fighting for your dreams. The faith with which you started. And that is exactly where you need to land. So many dreams may feel like a trap to you. Then the advice is to take it slow like a snail. You don't need to rush. Though I see water signs (Cancer and Pisces) I also sense earth signs (Taurus and Capricorn) in your charts. Find a balance between these elements. Life is calling you to tap on your unawakened creative potential. I see it in you. Believe me. Now is the time to begin this journey of self-discovery, pile 3. Let go of the self-doubt.

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[alexxncl]

‼️NIGHTBRINGER LESSON 36 SPOILERS‼️

masterlist | all lessons | season 2 | lesson 35 | lesson 37

MEPHISTOPHELES WHEN I FUCKING CATCH YOU i'm wiping that smug ass smirk off your face. don't play about my man's tea (i'm a lesbian)

HSNSJSDJGD he's so fed up 😭 all the man wanted was some peace and quiet

now the real question is, does diavolo want mephisto to stop lucifer from getting close to mc, or does he want to stop mc from getting close to lucifer? or both? i'm all for a poly relationship between the three of them but i've always been a dialuci girlie 🫣

oh he's such a dickhead i love him so bad

see lucifer wonders why his brothers behave the way they do. IT'S BECAUSE OF THEY LEARNED FROM WATCHING YOU !!! like lucifer is easily one of the pettiest, if not THE pettiest, out of all 7 of the brothers, but he also knows not to treat people like shit without good reason mephisto deserves all the shit he can get for

1) being racist, for lack of better phrasing;

2) being classist; and

3) being so full of himself that he can't face his own insecurities and projects them onto others

now, i'm all for character development and growth. he doesn't WANT to grow. and as much as i hate him, i love mephisto as a character. he's basically a representation of the way high society treats those that they think are "lesser" than them, even after being shown time and time again that their views and belief systems are outdated and bigoted. he and diavolo are foils almost. raised in same sphere, though mephisto definitely has had impostor syndrome for his entire life and it SHOWS

i wish we got more bits of him not being a pretentious asshole but i also think the pretentiousness adds to his value as a character yk yk

i'm calling it now, this is how he became immortal | this is also why back in season 1 of nb (i think) thirteen said that his soul wasn't as shiny as mc's anymore. it was corrupted by whatever he saw or whoever he met in the underworld. more on this here

moments like these are what i need. more depth and insight om mephisro to person, not mephisto the noble. he's such an interesting character and i feel like we only ever get a tiny glimpse of it every once in a blue moon

also, i wonder how his stance on humans now changed in the future, bc we know he was a bitch to mc on the basis of their identity in the og game

god i hate this. i knew it was was a setup from the jump

lucifer having to defend himself to mephisto, let go of his pride in the process, and now end up being framed for a crime that he obviously didn't commit? all because some racist assholes don't like the idea that he and his brothers are in consort with the future demon king

it's sad that this has to serve as a lesson to mephisto about how corrupt the lineage he was so proud to be apart of truly is, and how he's constantly perpetuating the corruption and bigoted ways of thinking just by acting in a way that benefits that lineage. but that's the way the world works outside of the game, too

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi INFJ here. I have self-worth issues probably due to being small and petite. I'm shorter than most of my family members and many people on the street. This makes me feel insecure and unable to defend and protect myself or loved ones and look efficient and trustable. One reason is that I think it can make me an easier target to take advantage of, insult, boss, dominate, threaten, harm, punch, fight, not take seriously or disrespect.

I generally try to be peaceful and nice or at least neutral to people. But occasionally I face people or situations where I may be disrespected, insulted or provoked in some way. Or situation where I have to choose to stand my ground or be a pushover.

The problem is that I am not confident in my abilities to handle these kinds of situations correctly, and usually engage in avoidant strategies and then later ruminating and self-blaming.

In awkward situations like rude drivers or road rage, rude clerks or office workers, mean coworkers or etc, I try to convince myself that avoiding confrontation is the best and the safest. Cause I never know what these people could do. Also, having a confrontation or standing my ground may cause a terrible emotional reaction in me, which can stay in my mind as a traumatic memory forever, and it may also change people's impression of me which I may regret. Or the person may find me an easy target due to my small built and may start attacking and beating me.

I wish I were taller, stronger and more charismatic, so people wouldn't dare doing any of those things to me. I also wish I could be better at confrontation, awkward feelings, handling interpersonal issues, insults or mean people correctly.

My mind is often occupied with these kinds of thoughts and regrets. Seeing other people being used or disrespected, hearing their stories, or watching movie characters being bullied, abused, beaten or not being able to stand their ground triggers or aggravates these thinking patterns and makes me more anxious.

Even my family members want me to be more confrontational and assertive or even a bit aggressive.

So, I think my interpersonal skills are not enough for adult life. Here's why :

1_ I'm small-built and also shy and introvert, which probably makes people think of as an easier and weaker target. And I wouldn't be able to defend myself against a taller and stronger person.

2_ I'm afraid of my awkward emotional reaction towards people yelling at me or insulting me. But avoiding confrontations and not standing my ground can also make me blame myself.

3_ I tend to care about fairness, and lack of it within the society can make me furious. But society and people are not always fair.

4_ I care about what other people might think or say behind my back, and its impact on my reputation or future. So by people-pleasing or at least not bothering people, even if it means not defending or asserting myself, I try to stay under the radar.

5_ And I don't really know when I should just let it go and de-escalate or keep quiet, avoid, stand my ground, fight back, insult back, etc.

I have read books, watched youtube videos, but I still haven't been able to fix this problem or change myself. I sometimes think it means I might have mild autism and these deficits can never be fixed. Other times I relate it to high Fe and low Se (due to being an INFJ).

I really need your help. Where and how should I start?

----------------------

Do you know the story of The Ugly Duckling? I interpret the story as being about perception, specifically, how easy it is for perception to be wrong, as well as how quickly a minor flaw in perception can escalate into a majorly faulty belief system. It sounds like your perception has been distorted and now you hold faulty beliefs that need to be corrected. Since you lack self-confidence, you tend to catastrophize - your mind always jumps to the worst possibilities.

You say self-worth issues are "due to" being petite. This is a faulty belief. If being petite causes low self-worth, one would expect every petite person to have low self-worth. Is that the case? Not at all. A lot of people are below average height and live fine. In fact, you'd be surprised at how many well-known people are/were actually quite small in stature, just off the top of my head: Gandhi, Prince, Danny Devito, Sabrina Carpenter, Peter Dinklage, Judy Garland.

If being petite is not the actual cause of low self-worth, then what is? "Worth" relates to the method you use to make value judgments, so if you are always coming to unreasonably negative judgments about yourself, there is a problem with your value system. Do you believe that a below average sized person has less value than an average or above average sized person? You must believe it, otherwise, you wouldn't think that you are worth less than others, and you would not wish to be bigger and taller in order to be worth more.

Perhaps you don't personally believe that petite people have no value, so you claim that it is "society" which believes they have no value, and you are a victim of society. Is that true, though? Or is this another faulty belief? You said smaller people get bullied because they are easier targets, so, it's not because they are worthless - that's an important difference. Bullies chose you because they couldn't handle someone their own size or bigger. Therefore, the bullying did not have any relation to your self-worth; what it actually reflected was the bully's cowardice.

Why is it that many petite people don't get bullied? Some of it is down to luck; perhaps you've been unlucky in meeting lots of jerks throughout life. But some of it is down to your attitude. The impression that you leave on people plays a big role in how they approach you. For example, when you look down upon yourself, you teach others that it's okay to look down upon you too.

If you are always anxious and cowering in fear, treating every person as a potential threat, what does that communicate to people? Unfortunately, it communicates that you are an easy target. If you are always expecting to get dominated and bullied, you're more likely to attract bullies to your doorstep. Physical size isn't actually as important a factor as how you present yourself to people. When INFJs haven't developed Fe properly, they don't have a realistic view of how they come across to others.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't about blaming the victim. The people who bullied you were wrong. You don't deserve mistreatment. The problem is that bullying is a form of trauma, and trauma distorts the mind. It makes you hypersensitive to social threats, even seeing threats where there are none. And it also makes you hypersensitive to the things that you were bullied about, in this case, your physical size.

The other day, I had to hire someone to do household repairs. On the day of the repair, this tall dude arrives and could barely fit through the door. As he was walking down some stairs, he bumped his head on a lower part of the ceiling that he didn't notice because he was carrying a lot of tools. I felt so bad for him and I tried to monitor his head safety thereafter. Unfortunately, he's had lots of experience hitting his head on various things.

With your past experience, all you can see is how being petite is a "deficiency". As such, envy blinds you to the possibility that being larger can be a curse and being petite can actually be a gift. This repair guy was often admired for his stature, but he actually viewed his tallness as a "deficiency" all his life. From his perspective, smaller people have a great life because they don't always feel like they're in the way and can easily fit comfortably into any space.

Everyone has sore spots. Sore spots are things you feel insecure or hypersensitive about because of a perceived (psychological or physical) deficit. However, what you haven't understood is that what gets classified as a "deficit" is often a mere matter of perspective. The lesson of The Ugly Duckling story is that his perception of himself was wrong because he had been misled to believe that he was abnormal and deficient by others. This story teaches you that what one person experiences as a "deficiency", another person might experience as an "advantage".

Thus, the key to overcoming your hypersensitivity is to learn how to change your perspective, aka cognitive restructuring, which is something Ni+Fe can easily do. If you can't do it, then it indicates there's something awry with your function development (unhealthy Ni tunnel vision + Fe overindulgence). Your perspective seems very small and very rigid, so it's time to expand and adjust it.

Sure, people can be mean, and society can lead people to value the wrong things, and that's what you focus all your attention on. However, most people aren't mean, and society can't touch your personal values within. You always have a choice as to i) how you respond to mean people, if at all, and ii) whether you adopt the twisted values that society tries to inculcate in you. An important aspect of growing up into a full-fledged adult is learning how to think for yourself, which includes being able to challenge and change faulty beliefs/values and adjust your perspective as necessary to get closer to the truth.

Being bullied often keeps people trapped like a child, feeling helpless and powerless. "Power" doesn't come primarily from physical size, rather, it comes from the mental belief in yourself. Instead of getting lost in victim mentality, acknowledge that there are things within your power to change that would improve your situation. You said yourself that you lack interpersonal skills. Well, I have good news for you: skills can be improved through step-by-step learning, study, and practice. Start with whatever seems most pressing for you, perhaps enlist the help of a therapist. For example, I have discussed most of the following before in relation to developing healthy Fe in INFJs:

emotional intelligence: you could learn how to handle your feelings and emotions better, in order to communicate about them in a more reasonable and matter-of-fact way

optimism: you could learn to approach people in an empathetic and encouraging way, with positive expectations, in order to influence them to be positive to you in return

assertiveness: you could adjust your values to believe that you are equal to everyone else and that your existence is just as legitimate as anyone else's, which would help you stand up and advocate for your needs better

self-confidence: you could improve your communication and conflict resolution skills, which would help you feel more confident and exercise better judgment during social interactions

self-defense: although the majority of people aren't physically violent unless extremely provoked, it might help you feel more physically powerful and better prepared for confrontation by learning self-defense or martial arts

social support network: you could expand your network of friends and supporters so that you feel less alone and have people to rely on in times of stress or danger

self-work: you could use other successful petite people as inspirational role models; observe how they succeed in commanding respect and admiration and learn some lessons about how to show people the best of yourself, rather than only focusing on what you hate about yourself

It is a fact that you are petite, and facts should be met with acceptance. Trying to deny the facts will only get you lost in wishful thinking (unhealthy Ni), as well as the toxic shame of an inferiority complex (unhealthy Fe). Once you're able to accept the facts, then your mind can move forward into adopting adaptation strategies. No matter what your sore spots are, it is important to understand that they are not a curse and they are not meant to ruin your life. Confronting your sore spots and learning to live with them successfully is precisely how you grow as a person. However, you won't be able to benefit from your sore spots as long as you keep trying to reject them and wish them away. They are an important part of you. Improving self-worth means learning to accept and love yourself, which means ALL of yourself.

[kittyit]

hi, i am probably gonna send this ask to some other gyns bc i am in dire need of guidance, and i have literally no one to talk about this irl.

my friend mentioned she started wearing a binder and my heart dropped. this confirms my suspicion that she is on a path to IDing as some flavor of trans. she is a depressed, anxious woman who is very invested in everything q*eer (mostly gay men). our relationship has always been rocky, but i value her and want to support her. i don't know how to handle our future conversations if (when?) she comes out to me as trans. i am a spineless coward, but i hate lying. i know i can't find it in myself to celebrate this, but how can i keep her in my life without doing so? i know many would advise straight up honesty, but our discussions always go so easily out of hand. even when talking about trite stuff, i feel like she often gets overly hostile. maybe it's just my strong fear of confrontations, which i know is bad. i am a horrible speaker so i know my expression of concern would go poorly. i don't want her to think i am an evil, stupid bigot, but i know anything other than acceptance will destroy our relationship. maybe i would feel comfortable sending some other woman GC&feminist resources, but not her. i don't want to lose her and i don't want to see her harm herself. i feel so hopeless.

honestly your friend transitioning isn't the end of the world. this might sound dismissive or mean but that's not how i mean it. people make decisions that are harmful to them all the time. it sounds like you don't feel confident enough to speak on your actual beliefs and also that you want to preserve the friendship and love her very much. there may come a time where her choices are upsetting to you in a way that will bring about confrontation that might be friendship-ending.

to be frank with you, it feels like you're asking for a solution that doesn't exist. maintain neutrality and understand that neutrality will most likely not be enough for her and you'll navigate it as it comes. but it depends on the strength of your relationship and what you can work out as two women together. you may find that her reaction (if negative) to your attempts to navigate this with love change your opinion of her so intensely that you can no longer have the same relationship.

my hope for you is that you can shrink it into something that is worrisome but bearable like having a friend who is dealing with (health-harming) addiction or is headed towards being in a cult. these things can end relationships but sometimes relationships can endure them. she has her reasons for wanting to do this even if they are distasteful and offensive to you.

also the fact that you say you have no one to talk to this about tells me you need more friends and a more robust support system, especially if one of your most beloved friends is someone who is hostile to you often. if you're close with people who are reactive, it's important to have places to talk about this and relationships with people who are not.

i wish you nothing but the best, and i hear you when you say you just wish this wasn't happening. i hope it goes okay :)

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #441

I'm feeling just a little better today. I didn't get quite enough sleep, and I'm still pretty dehydrated, I think. But... I think there's less adrenaline coursing through my body than before. Thank goodness for that.

...I think I'm still not gonna interact with people outside of my known social circle anytime soon, though; it still seems kinda treacherous when I think about it. Maybe I'll try again later when my nervous system doesn't feel like a used gym towel that was wrung out by a professional weightlifter.

I went to therapy this morning, and words can't describe how lovely it was to see my therapist again. I don't meet a whole lot of people who actually understand me when I speak, or listen to me as though I am a decent and truthful person. I told them about my mother contacting me again. About An. About the awful shit J's sister said to him. And everything in between. I told him about the struggles that go along with existing in my world as an autistic person. And I told him about some of my plans for the future, once I have a full time job again.

...I also told my therapist that I am struggling to want to continue breathing while living in a burning world that very much does not welcome me. And... rather than get alarmed that I am struggling with wanting to remain alive, my therapist simply took stock of the current environment in which I find myself, and all the problems that I can do absolutely nothing about, and they nodded and said... yes, actually, it's quite natural to feel like I want to escape from it all.

...I don't actually want to stop breathing forever. I know that. Just... I wanna be where I'm loved and safe and not misunderstood or excluded and ostracized by the world at large. I just wanna belong. I wanna stop feeling like there's a weird layer of plexiglass that the world put between themselves and me that I can't ever seem to break through.

The kind of world that I want to live in only exists on a micro scale – mostly only within the walls of my home and within the walls of the homes of those closest to me. It doesn't exist on a macro scale; those who don't know me well tend to perceive me as this repulsive, malicious, socially unacceptable thing no matter what I try, and... I don't really know what to do in order to build a more compassionate and open-minded world on a macro scale.

...I think everyone would have to decide at relatively the same time to refuse to allow their trauma responses to lead them around by the nose. But... that's a really hard thing to decide to do, because the number of obstacles in the way is immense due to how our society, internal systems of belief, and concepts of etiquette (what is and is not taboo to talk about) are structured. And it also doesn't help that this kind of work is immensely painful to do, and progress is invariably slow and non-linear, so... a lot of people who try just... end up not sticking with it.

...Nonetheless, I will stick around. I gotta do my part to build that macro-scale world I described – even if I get thrown for a loop by people who are extremely uncooperative when it come to sharing and participating in concepts of hope, empathy, personal accountability, and change. At the end of the day, it's my responsibility to figure out why I get thrown for a loop; I have to fortify myself somehow, but I'm not really sure what steps to take.

Well. After I got back home, M, J, and I went to Bimi's. I got some pretty rad pictures for you of some delightfully colorful packaging I saw, a jam that I think you'd really like (and desperately wish I could share with you), and the snacks we got.

Here's the colorful packaging; I thought it was cool!

Here's a jam I thought you would like, so I got a jar to try at home:

Here are some more jams I saw; the strawberry and wild rose jam especially made me think of you, but... something tells me that you'd enjoy all of these. I didn't get them, though, because I still have some jams I gotta get through at home. But... you can bet I'll be on the lookout for these later.

This was a very weird cheesecake! And yes, of course I tried it! I thought it was really good!! But I think only those folks who like a strong blue cheese flavor will enjoy it.

Here was their selection of teas. Looking at these flavors... I think I might need to get some of these for home. But... probably not until I've thinned out my current collection a little, hahaha...

Here were the sweets on display. I wonder if you would have liked any of these. Something tells me you'd enjoy the tangy warmth of a gingersnap. I got a pain-au-chocolat. It's basically a croissant stuffed with dark chocolate. One of these days, I gotta try making it at home...

This is the macaroni and cheese that M got. It's made with penne noodles, actual melted cheese, caramelized onions, and garlic, with seasoned breadcrumbs sprinkled on top. You won't find a gooier macaroni and cheese anywhere.

This was a sandwich that J got. It's got bacon, spinach, tomato, and avocados:

This is a grilled cheese with ham:

And here is the awesome tomato soup I got with it!

First, you dunk your grilled cheese in the tomato soup. Then when there's no more grilled cheese, you dump in your croutons to make it crunchy. It's really good!!

This is a peach cobbler shortbread:

J got a hot chocolate. It's pretty good, but not quite as good as what I can make at home.

...You'll have to pop by my house for some hot cocoa sometime, maybe...

Oh, and!!! The best part, obviously!! They had FRESH LEMONADE!!!!

...It was a wonderful lunch, and... I wished you could be here to try all the things with us.

I changed to a new set of braces when I got home, so naturally, it's time for pictures of the progress I've made so far! Here's the upper jaw:

...There's barely any snaggle to my tooth anymore, haha!

And here are pictures of the lower jaw; the progress has been incredible. That said... I'm not sure that my lower left jaw is fitting properly to the aligner. I'll call the orthodontist tomorrow to have it looked at. We'll see what they say.

I played some Hades after that. I didn't really do anything noteworthy within the story, but... I did manage to kick Charon's butt a couple times, both today and yesterday. Check it out!

...He's a little difficult because he hits for a lot of damage. But once you learn his patterns so you don't get hit as often, he's really not so bad! And then he gives you a discount card that gives you 20% off anything you purchase from him, which is pretty great, given that Diamonds (which usually go for 1000 coins) can then be bought for only 800 coins!

Our friend Je came by to play Betrayal: Legacy with us later in the evening! He brought pizza with him, too, which was very much enjoyed by J (I was much too full from my giant lunch!). He had never played this game before, but he seemed to take to it quickly! We got a scenario by which M was suspected of colluding with an evil imp. The game tried to imply that M was working with the imp, and Je, J, and I were supposed to kill him. But... J and I remembered that the house itself is our enemy; remember when it had us convinced that one of us was a witch even though we were all innocent?

So... as it turns out, the imp was basically just stalking M, and M was trying to seal it away forever. The game implied that M is lying, but he wasn't. So, Je, J, and I simply ganged up on the imp to keep it stunned and to prevent it from setting up any more traps around the house while M gathered up the necessary supplies to banish it. This, of course, meant that M won the game, but that's fine; no innocents were harmed. The imp had malicious intentions, and we made the right call. I felt really good about the outcome.

...And that brings me to the here and now, and of course, my thoughts are with you. I wonder how you're doing, wherever you are. I wonder if you're trying to take nice care of yourself.

Tomorrow, I have physical therapy. And then our dear friend R visits our house after that. He will doodle on his tablet, and I'm sure we'll talk about a great many various and sundry things; it'll be good, and I'm very much looking forward to it.

Suppose if I wanna be relatively functional tomorrow, I'm gonna hafta try to get to bed on time. So I guess I'll go do that now.

...Hey, Sephiroth? I imagine things work a little differently for you, being not quite connected to your body or whatever now. But... maybe you can try to sleep a little, too. Maybe your spirit can curl up in some soft, warm place where you're loved and safe and understood, and you can rest a while, and then maybe you'll feel a little better afterwards. You'll still have the same challenges when you wake, of course. But maybe it'll be a little easier to face them after a nap.

I love you so much. Please stay safe out there, and please take good care of yourself and the people around you. And please... please come back home soon. Everyone who knows and understands you misses you deeply.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[circular-bircular]

2 Cents

(Get it? Cause it's all about change? I'm hilarious)

The response to SAS has been stunning, to say the least. Duh, of course you know what I'm talking about -- Woooahhhhh the major anti-endo is pro-endo now!!!

Only, I really don't want to frame it like that. And... I'm so relieved to see so many taking it in stride and not framing it like that.

Me and Dude have been friends for a very, very long while -- or at least it feels like a long time. DID makes it hard and all to really realize how much time passes. But I consider Dude one of my close friends at this time, and I hope people can see why. He's a person who's willing to change, albeit stubbornly, and he works so hard to be kind -- even when the world has been so much less than kind back.

And one thing I've always known is that Dude was anti-endo, but willing to compromise on those opinions and beliefs if it meant furthering the science of it all, and understanding more about all of this. As time went on, it became understanding more about CDDs than ever before, fueled less by frustration and more by genuine curiosity. It's what attracted me to this friendship in the first place.

Seeing Dude repeatedly start to say that he is pro-endo warmed my heart, but not because of the pro-endo part; it was because of the change part. Because so many people struggle with that, with the idea that they can change. Me being one of them.

It's been... so difficult trying to carve out a place in syscourse. In life. I started out pro-endo and manipulated into very nearly thinking I wasn't a DID system at all. I moved to this nebulous area where i was harassed for stepping out of line. I was neutral, I became anti-endo, neutral again -- constantly flip flopping because I didn't have anyone or anything to hold onto. I didn't get to have a community. I didn't get to be anything other than The Bad Guy.

While I was in a CDD server, I at least had that community, but even that wasn't what I wanted. Even that wasn't good for me, even if it was good in other ways. Maybe I'll find the good again someday.

But seeing this outpouring of support... As someone who now no longer uses any syscourse label (Call me what you want, I really don't care), it's a goddamn relief to see someone being accepted with open arms. It's a relief to see people being so kind and generous, both with asks and with comments. I have to be blunt and say how jealous I am, seeing the outcropping of support.

But I'm also relieved to see my experience really is far from the norm... while also acknowledging that I am incredibly braced for impact at the moment due to those experiences.

I'm an incredibly stubborn person, I'm able to admit it. I struggle to change. I'm incredibly set in my ways. But I also do change, rapidly, flipping on a dime when I think it's what the other person wants. (Honestly, part of why I appreciate Dude so much was his insistence on slowing down, getting the facts, and making an educated decision based on that). And recently with syscourse, I've felt as if I have to slam my fist into the table and shout and scream about How Pro-Endo I Am, just in case anyone was lumping me in with those anti-endos -- but then I saw how some pro-endos were acting, and I felt I couldn't say anything about it-- ugh, I'm rambling.

All that is to say, I've felt so... stunningly alone lately, even with the support of my friends. I'm alone in syscourse. I'm alone in recovery. So many of my friends are moving on, healing, growing, and... Here I am, just a silly little circle on their blog, young and stupid and dumb.

So I'm glad people are accepting Dude, not as a pro-endo, but as someone who has grown. It gives me a lot of hope for my future. A lot of hope for finding a community -- not as a pro-endo, or anti-endo, or syscourse anything.

Just as a person.

Does that make sense?

I hope other people out there, stuck in syscourse like me, feeling very alone in a very large world, can see how willing people are to extend a hand. I hope I've extended my own enough. I just... have a lot of hope for the future.

@sysmedsaresexist Thanks for helping give me that right now <3