#I didnt even expect that myself LMAO
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The devil gang 🦈 csm school au!
this is a redraw of this drawing I did a while back :D
#THIS AU IS REVIVING#I didnt even expect that myself LMAO#chainsaw man#csm#csm fanart#digital art#angel devil#spider devil#violence fiend#csm school au#shark fiend#beam#kuzoowl#my art
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THE FINAL DRB??????????
AND THE MATCHUPS??????????
#this is vee speaking#I GET OFF WORK AND HYPMIC DROPS THIS JUST FOR ME????????????????????????????#GOD THE WAY I STARTED SCREAMING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#ITS THE MATCHUPS I TALKED MYSELF OUT OF LMAO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#IT WAS IMPLIED FOREVER AGO AND IF YOU ASKED ME TWO YEARS AGO I WOULD HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN GLEE#BUT WERE GETTING FP AND MTR 3.0 ITS WHY I COULDNT IMAGINE IT BEING FR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#BB VS BAT THE HEARTBREAK I HAVE BEEN EXPECTING ALL THIS TIME IS FINALLY HERE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#I WANTED THIS BUT I DIDNT WANT THIS EVEN MORE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#MY HEART IS ACHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
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today is such a stark contrast to yesterday in how much i fucking hate today (vent/rant in tags bc i forgor to do it on my vent one)
#[🔮] rambles ~#lmfao you speak up in this household? WRONG. MISTAKE. HOW DARE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.#expressing your thoughts? fucking blasphemy#“oh you do know you can tell me anything anytime right? ” what a joke#gods#fuck this shit#you know what i need to learn properly? keeping my mouth fucking shut. keeping my thoughts to myself.#why do i even bother#I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING#just you know spoke the truth which is apparently forbidden or smth#its not my fault shes a hypocrite????? cant accept the truth thats her fucking problem#honestly i genuinely cant think of an adult around me who isnt a hypocrite but im sure there hopefully is#and then she comes again all sweet sickly smiles expecting me to shower her with love the next moment after being fucking scolded like hell#for saying ome single fucking line of my thoughts that she so encourages me to “express”#as if everything is my fucking fault#atp i hate myself as much too bc why do i let myself get affected i should have grown used to this shit years ago#i should know better than to let her get to me yet look at me being a sentimental lil bitch#god i just wanna get out of here please#anyways shit this didnt go to my vent blog fuck im sorry yall had to read that guys please feel free to ignore lmao#but yk i had to get my feelings out somewhere bc wwll i bottle up enough already lol#tw vent
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Just wanna remind everyone that it's NEVER okay to tell someone to die.
You don't know how hard they're fighting to stay alive every day. Or if they don't even want to fight for that any more.
#i hate that i let that get to me lmao just ruined my fucking day ive been sitting here sobbing for like an hour#i cant tell anyone just how much i dont even want to try any more bc i dont see the point#medical issues and mental issues dont pair well and i dunno if im even gonna be able to survive the next flare up#i dont need fandom spaces telling me to die when im already telling myself that every fucking day#also why does my age always get brought up lmao i didnt choose to be born 30 years ago stop telling me im old#my body has been telling me im old since age 11 you dont know what ive fucking been thru#30 was just a formality and serves as another reminder of how ill never meet societys expectations for a 30yo lmao#my point is. you should try showing a little more kindness if telling someone to die comes so easily#ive literally never once told anyone to die in my life. you just dont fucking go there. what if they kill themself right after that?#can you live knowing they did so on your command?#i couldnt#thats just like beyond fucked up#anyway im gonna go try and stop crying#ill prob stay off tumblr today idk i feel real sick lol#delete later / /#i hate that i cant exist as myself either in person (too queer and closeted in a rural area) or online (too queer and weird ships)#anyway
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Had my eyes dilated for the first time today so I read a list of things you should avoid doing afterwards, and trimming bush wasn't on the list so I did that and I think it should probably be added to that list
#personal#im fine i didnt cut myself or anything#but i came close several times#i cannot see well enough yet to tell whether it looks even but it certainly doesnt feel even#i dont expect anyone to be seeing it anytime soon bc the one person id Like to is taking it slow at best#and not interested at worst#but i digress#i only did so for sanitary purposes#or like#idk grooming purposes? i was getting skin irritation#but yeah dont put scissors near your junk when you cant see details#ive been relying on my muscle memory to type and checking my spelling with a magnifying glass lmao
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😳⛓
art ref 18+
Companion piece to Ilmo
#hello fellow jaakko enjoyers#jaakko koskela#oops thirst post#the art I rb earlier today rly motivated me and inspired me to finally draw Jaakko in a harness as well#the front ring is great for puling btw 👀 who said that#jaakko in chains in chains and sexy side straps oogaa booga#also yes that's a removable jockstrap becos im gay#two versions becos I like the side straps but without them it looks rly nice too#feel free to unfollow or block me for this lmao#should i even tag this#it was only a matter of time before I would Sexualize That Old Man by putting him in an Outfit^tm#my doodles#uhh also if anyone's interested in a version without the jock hit me up#not saying im good at drawing certain areas tho#didnt expect myself to post spicy art ever on here but here we are#my posts
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I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.
i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)
it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.
the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)
#and dont even get me started on when i share my friends with each other and they choose each other over me and kick me out lmao#WHY ARE FRIENDS SO HARD#why am i just a little creature that requires certain amounts/types of social interaction that never gets met#and no one wants to do anything about it. and im forced to sit here feeling bad about it because i cant fix it either fbbdbdfghhdhjrhfdj#this whole friend and human interaction and bonding and companionship bullshit is going to be lifelong issue and im not here for it#NO ADVICE IM GIVEN WORKS. IM TIRED OF ONE SIDED BULLSHIT WHERE ONLY I TRY. HUMANS ARE ANNOYING#im like a non human creature that wears human skin and everyone except me knows and they dont want me and i domt know why#i also dont have the energy to do the whole new friends song and dance where you small talk to get to know each other#and share your life stories. i rather just hang out and become friends through enjoyment of mutual enjoyed activity????#or something like that idk#i tried so hard to be friendly to friends' friend last weekend when we all hung out so i can be adopted into their friend group but#they didnt even tell me it was nice meeting me and hanging out and didnt even say bye to me. only to my friends#and i was too sad about that to say it to them instead as they walked away. theyre way more social and good at words#and i was overwhelmed and struggling to speak so i was waiting for the queue to say those things or something#i expected it like an idiot loser becuase i thought i did a good job being a cute gremlin that fits into the group that seems to have#other goofy gremlins like me. i thought maybe they can be “my people” or something. but then they turned around and left#after telling my friends bye. and didnt acknowledge me. and i juat kept smiling and turned around and walked away too#PRETENDING IT WAS FINE. BUT IT FELT BAD. BECAUSE I FAILED TO MAKE A FRIEND WHEN I THOUGHT I DID GOOD WITH THEM FOR ONCE#so “being confident/believing in yourself” like im told to do DIDNT WORK AND IT FELT WORSE THAN DOUBTING MYSELF. YOU LIARS. ugh fhdhdhfhjssk#WHAT DO. WHY LEE BAD AT THIS. WHY IT FEEL BAD. WHY NOT JUST ACCEPT BEING ALONE 99% OF TIME AND GIVE UP. WOULD BE EASIER#lee rants#autism things#i know its rude to invite yourself into a friend group but what if i try anyway 🤪✌️
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So i heard that the orv movie is real
#im excited for the movie dont get me wrong but like#yeah these are just my thoughts on the matter#im happy that even more people will see it but like#yeah#god i literally took the screenshot so i didnt have to type about it all over again wHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF GKJFFJF#but yeahhhhh#its been a while since ive read it so its a p good time to catch up#orv#omniscient reader#omniscient reader viewpoint#theres also like-- this really good twitter posts that puts my thoughts into better words#thats basically just-- the movie has little to no chance of upholding expectations and that the story and meaning of the og work could get#muddled and misinterpreted like many failed movie adaptations#and ive also been out of the fandom so long that what i say and my own thoughts doesnt even really matter in the larger scale of things#but like#as a person who really deeply cares about this piece of work#or at least-- cares for it but had a much deeper love and appreciation for it a long time ago#im scared for the movie-- both for selfish reasons and 'righteous' reasons#righteous being 'please dear lord dont fuck it up- dont ruin this beautiful complicated story that apparently i never even got halfway thru#ill link the twitter post in an rb lmao
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How did you realize your bisexuality was actually comphet?
mostly time, i think. i also at one point just started identifying to people as a lesbian before i was 100% sure and even though it felt a little bit wrong, because i just figured if i leaned into it for a while and it still felt really wrong then i could say ah actually i was wrong everybody, i’m bi! and no real harm done. but eventually it did start feeling like the more correct label for myself, and i realised that the “attraction” i had to men was very much more about enjoying the chase and the complicated dance of the heterosexual dating dynamics; i was essentially just toying with men and i found that fun and the attention was validating, but i never took anything emotionally seriously at all because it was all kind of just a game.
ultimately when i got a little older and realised that maybe i did want a solid, valid intellectual and emotional connection with somebody, i just literally could not imagine in any capacity that a man could be what i needed. like even now i just cannot fathom any world in which i can lay in bed at 3am and talk about the intricacies of what it feels like to be me with a man that i know just isn’t really going to get it— i would always feel there was some unbreachable gap between us and i’d never feel like it was quite enough for the romantic connection i demand with partners.
#like imagine trying to speak to a boy about sylvia plath or something sawry but that is not happening for me lmao#there’s just so much also in the socialisation of like What It Means To Be A Boy that is unpleasant for me to be around!#but even if all of that is aside and i were to find this mystery fantasy man who does not embody any of the unpleasant traits#of societal expectations of masculinity etc#at the end of the day i would still feel like we were speaking just slightly different dialects of the same language#and i just know i’d never be able to fall in love w somebody who didnt have my exact mirrored language#if this all sounds very self serving and like i’m thinking of myself as more internally rich and importsnt than men that is because i am 🤍#kidding. sort of#answered#anonymous
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I think i was gonna quit my job anyway regardless of the issue with my pay. That job sucked the life out of me i hated it so much.
#i had to practically run the plave bc the managers and owner were never there#i was always working by myself a job meant for at least three people#and they expect me to do so much shit while closing#and it was scary bc i was the only one in the building bc everyone in the back went home to avoid having to help#and i had to keep the back door unlocked even though i was by myself#and if i missed one little thing during closing i got yelled at#and then i had to serve people while mixing drinks and taking calls at the same time#and i got reported whenever i didnt make it to the phone on time#fuck that place i hope those people rot lmao#and i worked so hard there and now theyre refusing to pay me my final check and accusing me of stuff i didnt do
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#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao#a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head#sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so#i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet#at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me#location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take#measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring#at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which#was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im#just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for#and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do#something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move#like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which#would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data#processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for#vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to#without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding?#idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and#that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it?#anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so#when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok#but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we#just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece#pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked#hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done#unrelated
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my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now
#yeah im going insane clearly but anyways#in friends when joey is like what was my past life and phoebe was like oh sweetie youre brand new like lmao me#but did anyone else get called serious as a kid and did anyone else take it as an insult like i did like.#i hated absolutely nothing more than people being like oh youre so serious and quiet like i am but also i dont want to be here talking#to you so i have nothing to say. like sorry i wasnt saying every thought i had out loud like every other kid so that made me 'mature'#for my age like honestly that fucked my life up more than anything else was being called mature for my age. it put way too much pressure on#me and i didnt even get to be a kid because everyone expected me to be older than i always was and now that im#so old and approaching death it's just all regret man i have nothing but regret for how ive lived my life#and im so old and i have absolutely nothing figured out i just dont know what the fuck to do#i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting#everything is just so fucked up and i hate it like absolutely nothing is right in my life right now i am truly at rock bottom#like i genuinely cannot imagine ever being at a lower point than im at right now and no that's not inspiring like 'oh it cant get any worse'#'if youre at your lowest point it can only get better :)' no thats not how it works#it can get worse i just cant possibly imagine how and nothing is ever going to get better bc i dont know how to get myself out of this#literally im spongebob in rockbottom but the bus is literally never coming like the bus station shut down that's where im at
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Dam hi hello I never rly make text posts bc I dont know how to just yap away on tumblr but sorta status update that I wanna share here bc I post so rarely-
Lot of ppl would prolly say "hey we know u got a life and you're busy u cant always draw" but my ass has had so much time the past several years and I just couldnt get myself to draw
Well, I'm finally on a waitlist for an adhd diagnosis bc maybe just maybe not being able to do the things I want to do (and my responsibilities) wasnt just a depression thing oops
#miko talks#I've been kinda just beating myself up over it and upset that I didnt have frequently new oc stuff to yap about or the energy to make#drawings that lean more into the storytelling aspect#as of now only my discord friends rly know wtf is even going on with my ocs bc I like to headcanon in dms#I never know where to start if I were to share it online bc I?? Idk if Im cut out to make comics and I never truly got into proper writing#my writing style is literally just thinking of random scenarios and moments and stringing it together like a headcanon#and never an actual story start with an actual pov and fluorescent language or whatever lmao its just#“and then I imagine them doing this and that and if they did this that would be kinda fun wouldnt it”#so yeah Im definitely still figuring out how to work on that more#also once I have that adhd/autism diagnosis done with I do hope that my speculation isnt wrong I always doubt myself even tho I've pondered#this over for the past 3 years- well I hope I can get some sorta meds that clear up this invisible blockade in my brain#I dont know what to expect Im sorta anxious of how I'll feel like everybody else I heard talking about it that if I take the meds if I rly#am just gonna be able to machine gun out all the ideas in my brain without holding myself back anymore hah#oh well 15 months wait time lmaoo woop dee doo wish me luck Im also going to school again dskjfhsdf
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in the neverending tv series that is my life a season opener plot twist has just fucking. absolutely bodied me. my roommate for the next two semesters is the neglectful owner of rascal, that kitten i took care of off and on last year. What The Absolute Fuck
#ok before posting this i had a very long conversation with mostly my dad about how to set ground rules and stuff#and i feel a lot better about like. laying out guidelines and whatever. i think im not going to request a change#which was my first and immediate reaction because I Don't Want To Deal With This Girl Again#but i mean. she's gone a lotta the time and she seems to like me? she's cordial y'know#and if i lay out rules like 'you have to buy him food that doesn't give him diarrhea' and 'you cant shut him in a closet or carrier Ever'#it'd probably actually be pretty nice. that way i get to spend time with rascal and give him the attention and emotional stuff he needs#without all the instability and fuckery that happened when we were doing multi room custody battles over him#apparently my dad had the thought of like 'oh ofc thats gonna happen' last week and it hadn't even occurred to me#so his reaction when i accosted him was '...of course.' lmao#i am done freaking out and i think im good now but. sheesh. for this plan to work im going to have to stick up for myself#and i Do Not know how to do that but it's better than her finding me and asking me if we Don't live together if i wanna take him for a bit#prbrbrbrrrrbrbreprprprprprprrrrr this is. not what i was expecting would happen. at all#theres like 120-240 rooms in that building i didnt even consider it yknow. whatre the odds#but i think this could (tentatively maybe possibly) be okay
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i need to test my fucking code lmfao 🤡
#imagine not just coding blindly and then submitting to see what happens like im about to do sdjnfbfdhhskjfbjdkhgdf#trying to set my expectations low even tho for some reason im hopeful that it's gonna work#but like bro u didnt test shit u have no idea lol#ksjnfwhbowdfogbqogbieruhqeigrhiwngoqrf FUCK it's 3:30 since when TT lmaooooooo#i told myself i woouldnt go to sleep until i finished this function section and here we are#it's not that late like i 've been going to sleep around this time lmfao#but i havent gotten ready for bed yet so it will probably be around 4:30-5 then#i was gonna wash my hair today........ dont thinkthats gonna happen XD#i think im procrastinating submitting lmfao#there's DEFINITELY something i missed#im just gonna be so so so sad if i dont pass any test cases for the shit i just implemented#i hope i hope i hope lmfao#🤡🤡🤡🤡 and like that probably means i should probably TEST IT TO SEE#but no#🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 i've been snacking on fucking salami bites LMFAO health <3 salt and fat <3#RIP i rly didnt pass any test cases for the functions i just implemented LMAO ugh it's fine i just gotta test TT#wait i passed a few more tests for another thing ........ did i even change that from lst time i submitted lol ok#damn now i wanna try to debug but maybe i shoud sleep first TT#fucknjdbgfhbjdbfgjlsdblkfd i'm not . screeewwwwwweeeeedddddd i'm just . not not screwed TT#i at least have code written for almost all the functions and shit tho#it's not CORRECT CODE but it's CODE#anfghbwbgqirepupqiuhgbwjhfkbdfkhsfljghljdfkfasdf and i have a couple late days i can probably use dnghdjbfdbfbgerpqehir okokokokokkokkokok#am slightly nervous bc of show tmr and stats hw due thursday TT#jndsfjhgjfhjblsjdfblsjfhdbgqorbgpqiuerhtqepurthqornfjfddljfl ok shut the fuck up go to sleep or sm ;-;#jk not that i can even rly get ready for bed rn i think my roommate in the bathroom lmfao#screaming <3#jeanne talks
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To be clear, I goddamn hated the finale on first watch. I was withering in my seat. My heart had dropped to my stomach. I had no fucking idea what I was watching in that final scene lmao
and then Adrien said "when Ladybug gave me the rings—" and I was like— wait. LADYBUG? LADYBUG STILL EXISTS?
I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE TIMELINE HAD BEEN REWRITTEN 😭😭😭😭 I THOUGHT LADYBUG AND CHATN OIR DIDNT UFCKING EXIST uNTIL ADRIEN SAID THAT I WAS SO SO SO SCARED
and then I realized, oh wait. This isn't a complete utopian timeline rewrite. This is just a timeskip of a few months and Mme Bustier is just a kickass mayor. In fact, she's only mayor BECAUSE it's still the same timeline. And then I realized, hey, wait, if they didn't rewrite the timeline, then how tf is Emilie casually there with no questions?
And then I realized she was wearing black. And Félix was there. And I remembered Amelie exists.
Basically, I went into the finale chanting to myself "it's okay, it's okay... they probably wont bring Emilie back... they probably won't rewrite the entire timeline permanently.... right? please....", even though I didn't actually expect it to happen, but just because I was terrified that it could. And apparently that fear actually got to me so much that I misinterpreted the episode as being everything I didn't want it to be... when... it actually wasn't that at all
anyway, all of this is to say, everything in the episode happens so fast that it confused and terrified me at first. And when I realized what had happened, my opinion went from "my year is ruined" to "oh. well. okay. kind of disappointing, I guess". And then I kept thinking about it, and the ending, and all that is set up and rewatching the scenes and all the loose ends still in place and.... i realized I loved it?
like, every time I think about this finale, I love it more. every time i rewatch a scene, I get a little obsessed. this episode went from my nightmare to actually really really cool to me, and I'm still kind of reeling from it
Basically, this is why I've been kind of passionately defending the finale— not because I think people who don't like it are """dumb""" or anything, I don't blame people at all for that, and I totally get the confusion. I was confused too. And I know I'm not the only one who went in preparing themselves for the worst, or went in with very specific expectation on what will happen, because this finale has been long awaited for so long. I think everyone was shocked with how it ended. I think most people probably startled at Amelie's face (it's so easy to forget she exists....)
Anyways, I started this post basically as an apology for if I seem too aggressive or defensive about the finale. Because I get it! I get hating it! I get being disappointed or frustrated or confused! Part of why I'm so defensive is because I have all the arguments so ready on the tip of my tongue because I had the very same argument with myself already 😭 So I'm sorry if any of my posts came off as too aggressive and in advance for any future posts that might. I promise promise promise I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for having bad opinions on the finale! I just think this episode is really cool and the fact I related to a lot of the nay-sayers makes it easy to feel so impassioned about it.
But this post is getting off the rails and I'm just gonna let it, because some of my regrets w my participation in fandom is that I find myself chickening out of actually talking about my thoughts on episodes a lot. I get kind of overwhelmed and overthink everything after I've posted it and I'm a shy person. But my inbox is closed and this is the season 5 finale and I want to ramble and ramble so I will allow myself this
Basically, I went in with some very specific expectations for this episode. We all know about the Hawkmoth defeat story. Many of us have read it in fics over and over again, it was teased in Chat Blanc, we all know what we expect, we all know our favorite beats from it.
And what actually happened....... met virtually none of those beats. (For me, at least).
Like, Adrien wasn't there for the final episode. At all. He was completely absent from the confrontation. He never found out his father was Hawkmoth. He got his rings, but he never found out he was a sentimonster. He is living in the dark.
Ladybug confronted Monarch... alone. Which is sad, when so much of the series is dedicated to the partnership of her and Chat Noir. Them against the world....... and Monarch was "defeated" with nary a Chat Noir in sight.
The whole entire "Gabriel is known as a hero" thing. I don't think anybody was expecting that. Absolutely shocking.
The fact Marinette would lie to Adrien like that. The fact she's keeping so much from him. The fact everyone is. SO MANY people in Adrien's life (Marinette, Plagg, Nathalie, Felix, Amelie, Kagami, probably Alya, maybe more I'm not thinking of....) are just... lying to him, now. He is so in the dark. He knows nothing.
But.........
I kind of like that I didn't predict nearly any of this. I like that it caught me off guard. I love how this show just completely baffles me at every turn, how it will present concepts and ideas to me that I've never read a fic about.
In retrospect, Chat Noir being absent from the final battle... makes sense. It actually makes a lot of sense, if I think about it, because... there is only one possible way that could've gone, right? Chat Noir would not be allowed to have the emotional implosion that he would have to have. This is devastating. This is SO devastating. This is the entire shattering of Adrien's entire world we're talking about, and Chat Blanc is the only real way for that to end. Adrien has an emotional implosion in front of Monarch, he gets akumatized, it turns into an emotion explosion, extinction event. The end. We've already seen it.
And........ even if it didn't end that way, even if he managed to avoid akumatization...... how could the finale satisfyingly end on that note? How could it end in any semblance of a "wrapped up" way, at the very start of Adrien's emotional breakdown? It couldn't. I wouldn't WANT it to. In retrospect, Adrien finding out his dad is Monarch and then.... what? The season ends on a close-up of him crying? The season ends with a time-skip to the new school year where they skipped his entire grieving period!? I would HATE that, actually. I would hate that. I thought I wanted it, but I would hate it. I would hate it so so so much.
What's kind of amazing is that the finale ended with Monarch being defeated.... but Adrien still has those realizations to make. He still has those betrayals to come to terms with. There is time for him to make these realizations, for him to come to these conclusions, perhaps one at a time, perhaps in a more controlled environment.... and that gets me far, far more excited for the seasons to come than an episode that tried to wrap it all up in the last 5 minutes.
Also, the reason Adrien didn't go to the final battle was because he feared becoming Chat Blanc. He didn't know the truth to it, didn't understand that literally, yes, that's what would have happened if he was there, even if he hadn't been under a nightmare curse. But he still knew. He still expected it. He willingly chose to sit it out, no matter how much he hated it, because he knew. And there's something kind of powerful to that, I think, of Adrien making a choice that is so unequivocally the Correct choice, even more than he realized. And the strength it took for him to make that decision...... damn.
As for the lies and the Gabriel statue? I... it's upsetting, but it's supposed to be. And I believe it. I absolutely believe it. I 10000% believe Marinette would keep the secret of Monarch's identity to herself to try to save Adrien the pain. I 10000% believe that the population could easily be led to believe a famous billionaire is a hero. I 10000% believe that Adrien would WANT to believe it. I 10000% believe Tomoe would take advantage of it.
And I can't wait to see that illusion crumble.
Also.... this is the beginning of The Lila arc.
And the Lila arc begins on........ Marinette telling the biggest, boldest face lie she ever told. The Lila arc begins on the most extreme city-wide illusion we've ever seen. It begins on such a huge fabrication and....
..... it's Marinette's lie.
............ and Lila knows that it's a lie.
I'm
!!?!?!?!
This is so fucking cool???? The irony here??? the deceit???? All these loose ends, all the possible confrontations, all the ways this could GO. I don't know where the show is taking this, obviously, because nobody ever can predict where this show is going apparently (and I love it for that), but oh my god. I'm imagining all the fics I could read about this. all the fics I could write. all the thoughts and scenarios that this finale has provided me with to daydream about as I go to sleep.
Adrien, going through the motions of life. Looking up to his father as a hero, despite the fact the last time he saw him, Adrien was sobbing, in tears, and cursing his name. Adrien, after all the abuse he was subject to, having to look up at a statue of his father and...... be forced to think that maybe he was wrong about his father. But he's not wrong. He WASN'T wrong. He just THINKS that he is. His father is going to continue to loom over his life in ways I never expected post-hawkmoth. Adrien's relationship with Gabriel has not ended, a new and terrifying and horrible new chapter of it has simply begun, and Adrien is still as manipulated by his father's ghost as he was by his father himself.
THAT'S. WILD!!!
also, Adrien now believes that MONARCH MURDERED HIS FATHER. Chat Noir now believes that his greatest nemesis KILLED HIS FATHER. CHAT NOIR, resident self-sacrificer, believes that HIS FATHER was a HERO who DIED FIGHTING MONARCH. Adrien thinks that maybe he should be more like his father— more like his father who died in battle. This is. Not Good. For Adrien.
And it's Marinette that started this. Well intentioned Marinette, who doesn't really understand the extent of the horrors. Marinette, Adrien's girlfriend, the person he trusts most. She did this.
And, I mean.... god. I totally get how this sucks for a lot of people, because it's objectively upsetting.... but I LOVE lovesquare tension. Season 4 is probably my favorite season for that reason alone (still mulling over if season 5 beat it for me). I love the relationship drama, I love that it's in character drama, I love how it fits everything we know about them sososo well, I love that it's horrible and it's terrible and it's awful and it's all because Marinette loved Adrien too much to want to hurt him.
I was worried no reveal would mean that season 6 would just be... what? adrienette fluff? not that I don't love that, but where's the drama? well. there it is. that's the drama.
I need to stop typing this. I know this is abysmally long and ranty and if you read all of this then I'm sorry. But I wanted to get some of my thoughts out.
But basically, I was expecting a lot of things for the finale.
In my best case scenario, it would somehow, miraculously tie up and address all the loose ends with Adrien's angst and character arc in two episodes.... and then end with me totally satisfied, ready to only half-heartedly watch season 6 like it was just a small dessert after the main course.
And I already described my worst case scenario (my first impression of the episode lmao)
But it wasn't that. I was expecting a series finale, but I got a season finale. And I love season finales. I love how they keep me wanting more. I love how excited I am for season 6, because in both my best and worst case scenarios, I honestly didn't expect to be. I love all the new ideas and thoughts and scenarios swirling around in my brain. And even if season 6 doesn't address some of the things I want addressed, I'm so excited to see the creative content in this fandom that DOES
#ml spoilers#ml s5 spoilers#ml s5 finale spoilers#ml re-creation#ml recreation#recreation spoilers#re-creation spoilers#I am SO SO SO SORRY that htis rant went OFF and I just rambled and rambled and I'm sure nobody will read this. however#sometimes I want to be silly. and my silly moment is rambling about my favorite show into the void on my tumblr#im not proof reading this so im so sorry if it's. um. all over the place and riddled w typos 😭 im vibing im vibing
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