#I did work hard on these babies though
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Honestly despite my feelings about how the last arc of MHA went down I really love Deku and his story.
I just feel like a lot of the time we get these protagonists whose whole philosophy is it doesn’t matter what you were born as everyone can achieve greatness. But then the series goes on and it turns out that actually it DOES matter because the protagonist has this really great lineage and these really great powers you can only have through birth they were actually born born, predestined if you will, to do this.
But MHA actually sticks to its guns. Midoriya wasn’t revealed to have some great connection to all might that the universe had put in place. He wasn’t defended from some great lineage that makes him uniquely suited to this. Hell All for one didn’t even turn out to be his father, there was no hidden powerful quirk he was always meant to have. He was just Midoriya Izuku a boy who was in the right place at the right time and simply decided to act while the world did nothing. And that’s what really made him a hero.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I believe him a bit more when he goes anybody can be a hero if you just decide to act
#also never stop crying baby I love taht about you#like I do understand that being given one for all an extremely powerful quirk is kind of a cop out#but still the quirk was passed down to him because of his own merits not becayse it was pre destined or because he was born to weird it#and honestly that’s more than we’ve got in a long time.#yes this is a little bit of a naruto call out cause I will never get over that complete 180 😭#and it does randomly drop that little tidbit of how it was good luck Midoriya was quirkless or the quirk would have killed him young#but honestly I don’t even know what to make of that besides……yay?#also yeah that’s pretty realistic sometimes disabilities make your more suited for somethings so yeah#this isn’t me implying that other protagonists didn’t work hard by the way I know they did two things can be true at once#bakugo proves that. like he is was born with an extremely powerful quirk but nobody can say he doesn’t work hard#it’s just a little tiring to see this underdog character suddenly get a backstory that’s like sike you actually needed to be born to do thi#one piece does this a little bit to be fair to them the story doesn’t really emphasize anyone can do it that way it has different themes#about what family means and it’s all about inherited will so I can give it a pass#but yeah I really appreciate mha for sticking to that gun even though it dropped the ball on a lot of things#like never fully addressing the quirkless people can be heroes too thing but that’s a topic for next time#throwing thoughts to the void#deku#mha#my hero academia#mha meta#mha analysis#midoriya izuku#izuku midoriya#one for all#mha deku#bhna#boku no hero acedamia
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Well, at least Fukuzawa got his wish granted, I guess.... he's finally inside Fukuchi <3
#bungou stray dogs#bsd spoilers#bsd 120.5#please laugh i know i made myself laugh.... if only to keep from crying lol#the oocification of Fukuzawa will be studied in the history books for years to come#that's not my fukuzawa...... that's his discount twin fucksack#because his dick is so far up the ass of his dead pathetic dumbass crusty ex boyfriend it's not even funny#he is dickriding that fucker HARD#and here i thought the FANDOM woobified fukuchi out the wazoo. but oh my god no fukuzawa himself has them all beat this chapter#man is coco for cocopuffs and babying that grown-ass man like he's 5#it's truly pathetic and depressing to see i'm just beyond words#'you deceived him by keeping quiet the issues that would plague a union of mankind' NO??? LITERALLY ANYONE WITH A BRAIN WOULD KNOW#THAT THAT WOULD NEVER FUCKING WORK???? THAT IT'S THE STUPIDEST MOST NAIVE PLAN AND VIEW OF THE WORLD IMAGINABLE????#WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS IS A TODDLER INSTEAD OF A GROWN-ASS SOLDIER WITH YEARS OF MILITARY EXPERIENCE#Fyodor feels like the only one at this point that hasn't truly lost the plot in all this...... the only one with a goddamn brain#I HATE THAT I HAVE TO AGREE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!! I HATE THAT IT FELT SO CATHARTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i hate even more that the series clearly doesn't want us to agree with him and instead believe that fukuzawa is still right#even though he was spouting the most naive braindead bullshit imaginable that early series Fukuzawa would NEVER SAY#WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN BRO??? WHY DO YOU CARE MORE ABOUT DEFENDING THE HONOR OF THAT CRUSTY MF THAN#THE SAFETY OF YOUR KIDS????#WHERE DID ALL YOUR INTELLIGENCE GO#i fucking hated the writing ever since fukuchi's plan/motives were first revealed and it was played completely straight (and gay lol)#but to hear fukuzawa actually come out and defend that ridiculous bs is just.......... again i have no words#it's insane. what happened. what happened to you fukuzawa. all i can do is laugh it's so sad it's so stupid. I WAS CRINGING SO BAD.#and was so glad when he finally died so he finally SHUT THE FUCK UP. i hate it here. i miss when BSD was good so bad man 😭😭😭#it would be one thing if it felt like he's so deep in grief that he's completely deluded himself that fukuchi was right and had pure motive#and wasn't an idiotic piece of shit himself just like fyodor#but nah again it just feels like we're supposed to side with him lmao even though fyodor was exactly right in everything he said#when your villain sounds more intelligent/correct than your hero and that's not an intentional writing choice..... that's not good bros!!!#anyway may your stupidity be purified in the soul of your dead bf fukuzawa 🙏 and we get the true you back
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i don’t think it is humanly possible for the Robby-Johnny relationship to be as good as the writers want me to believe it currently is going, but i also don’t think it’s going half as bad as people on here or on reddit say it is, so it is incredibly challenging for me to find posts I agree with about them anywhere
#robby keene#johnny lawrence#cobra kai#like sorry it just wasn’t hard for me to buy that johnny was being more supportive of Robby than Miguel at the tournament#we saw him more upset when he lost Robby than Miguel in the scene where johnny loses the locker room#we hear him yelling it’s okay robby multiple times when Robby flops#in the first fight and the platform fight#them hugging when Robby beats kwon#him defending Robby to Miguel on the plane him going specifically after Robby in the brawl#them living together a lot of the time now#them having a good summer together#johnny clearly still putting in the work despite being given a clean slate w a new baby#like i find it very believable that he gave Robby a pep talk or two lol#it would be nice to see it and i wish we did but it’s just not a stretch to me#it makes perfect sense that Robby doesn’t improve til someone on the actual team backs him as a leader#the break for me is i don’t believe that Robby isn’t still mad or slightly mean to his dad anymore#like he needs to be shitty to johnny onscreen one more time and johnny needs to take it#and then I could buy that they are getting to the point the show wants us to think they’re getting to#I also don’t think they’ll ever have a perfect relationship#and I do completely get why people don’t have good faith built up in their relationship or in Johnny#but it gets to a point sometimes where it feels like people twist the show to make Robby’s life harder or sadder than it already is#his life has already been hard he already has enough depth and making him the perfect victim in the whole show makes him boring btw#I’d also love to read a single post about Robby-Miguel or Robby-Carmen that isn’t blatantly racist#but those posts haven’t been invented yet#it’s awesome to imagine reading one one day though
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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it’s so cute (/s) when basil fans whine about how “basil feels so guilty all the time and he has abandonment issues cuz his parents were jerks and he’s just a kid who makes mistakes wah wah don’t ever criticize him ever” and then turn around call aubrey a bully when SHE feels so guilty all the time and has abandonment issues cuz her parents are jerks and she’s just a kid who makes mistakes.
hmm.
you’re in a stalemate now basil fans. you can’t admit that basil is your smol innocent baby without admitting that aubrey also is one, which she’s not, right?
so that means basil can’t be either! wow! what a concept, a boy doing something wrong and not having a million excuses made for him?? how wild.
#contrary to popular belief#aubrey is actually just basil but better and cooler and awesomer and more badass#like their situations are so similar but they handled it so differently#and i get that mental illness makes things hard for some people that are easy for others#but nothing aubrey did was a cakewalk#when she realized she fucked up#SHE APOLOGIZED AS SOON AS SHE COULD.#and she ADMITTED WHAT SHE DID#and tried as hard as she could to atone.#what did basil do?#oh yeah.#he pretended to be an innocent baby and it WORKED.#whether or not he meant to#he DID manipulate his friends to believe that he was just a victim#and that aubrey didn’t have a reason for what she was doing#even though she DID have a reason#she just knew nobody would believe her or care if she spoke up about it#okay i know basil fans are gonna send me death threats again#so let me say for the record that I DONT THINK BASIL IS EVIL.#i actually love his role in the narrative and he’s amazing mental illness representation#but he is so good BECAUSE of how hard it is for him to be redeemable.#no matter how sorry he is#BASIL FUCKING DESTROYED PEOPLE. it doesn’t matter that he’s mentally ill.#those scars on the people he hurt won’t fade just because they’re shown a psychiatric diagnosis.#and i think that’s an important lesson#that it’s possible to be mentally ill and a horrible person and that’s not demonizing mental illness that’s just being a person#forgiveness isn’t mandatory. it’s optional and you’re not bad if you decide not to forgive someone for ruining your life!#omori#aubrey omori#basil omori
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continuing off this sketch here, decided to draw the little guy herself—
her name is violet, she loves naps and making tunes with xylophones <3
#ghoap baby#doodles#my art#do you ever draw someone so adorable that i makes you scream like . physically. because thats how i felt with this one#babies are so hard to draw idk how people can do it . the main fear i had was it being uncanny valley since you know babies are#just ?? scrunkly . so squishy#anyways!! i think i did a good job though 😤🥹 my friend lovers her and thats what matters to me!!#i cannot wait to make her in sims — her full name is violet elaine mactavish !! shes just a little guy 🥺#neil busting out tunes ..but its just violet . musician in the making you heard it here first#i will draw more of her with soap and ghost for sure !! its just more practice and i need to also practice drawing soap because everytime i#doodle him i feel like everything is off for some reason . its jayce all over again in where i feel like im not doing him any justice#just more refrence work 😭😭 we will get there i promise
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#Jey Uso#I just want to make it clear im not posting all these videos/banners etc etc because I think Jey is going to win#I would love it if he did#but I dont think they will pull the trigger#the reason im so happy about this though is because Jey has worked so hard#they have trusted him to carry this story when Roman went part time#seeing him advertised just makes ne proud#like that Fastlane poster I wasnt excited because oh no Roman that means Jey won.#im excited because you see these early PPV posters before a match is even announced with their draws#you always see seth and bianca and blah cody and askua on these early posters#and to see jey there to draw people to the product gives me hope for his career trajectory once the the bloodline is over#baby went from the preshow as soon as a year and a half ago#to main eventing two of the big 4 this year#you dont put Roman/Jey for Summerslam after Roman/Cena Roman/Lesner because Roman ran out out of opponent's#you do it because its a draw#people are invested#and they trust them BOTH to pull it off#just to remind you they also need to impress the people that just bought them and theyve entered negotiations for a new tv deal#and Roman is the face of the company so non wrestling business men are going to be paying close attention#so yes this is a very big deal#they are treating like a bigger deal then COC AND HIAC#So yes im proud#that hes even here
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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"Meta Kniiiiight!!!" Kirby whined, batting at the older puffball with his fists as he leaned against him. "Just let me wiiiiiiiin!"
Meta Knight raised an eyebrow, unbothered by the other's 'attacks'. "And allow you to split yet another one of my masks in half?" He chuckled. "I'm afraid not, Kirby."
The swordsman had already learned that lesson twice by now, after going a little easier on his student and paying the price for it. At this point, with his stash of spare masks dwindling in order to truly challenge Kirby's abilities, he had no intentions of going anything less than all-out.
"You will not get any stronger if you only ever fight against weak foes."
"But it's haaaaard!" Kirby pouted, sinking to the floor. Though he may have been Dream Land's hero and had saved both it and the wider universe on several occasions, Kirby was still a child, and clearly, not one who appreciated losing several times over. "This dumb samurai stuff is different from our usual training!! I can fight really good when it's a normal battle. But this is just waiting... And waiting... And more waiting..." He yawned. Even just talking about all the waiting he had to do was making him tired. "And then when I can actually fight without getting in trouble, I've gotta be really really fast, because I lose if you hit me even once! I don't like it."
"What if you someday face a foe capable of defeating you in one blow?" Given the exceedingly powerful threats Kirby had faced in recent times, such an opponent was not entirely out of the question. So, it was important that, as his mentor, Meta Knight prepared him for the situation before it could arise. "It may be more wise to dodge rather than strike first in such a scenario, that is true, but the point of this exercise is to train your reaction time. Being able to react quickly and intelligently to anything your opponent may throw at you in the heat of battle is a vital skill to learn."
Kirby merely grumbled in response, absentmindedly wondering if there was any copy ability he could use to melt further into the ground. Maybe Meta Knight's lecture made just a teensy tiny little bit of sense, but it didn't make him any less frustrated by the new training regimen.
Meta Knight sighed at the young puff's antics, and produced the Maxim Tomato he had kept safely tucked within his cape. They had been training for a while now, he supposed, and it was good to have small rests every now and then between sessions. ...Even if that was something he himself was notoriously bad at incorporating into his own training. Luckily for the swordsman, Kirby immediately perked up upon seeing his favourite food.
"You will get better with practice, I am sure." Meta Knight said. "You are already quite skilled at spooking Dedede with that party popper, I must say." Handing Kirby the tomato, he added, "Take a break for now, however, and let me know when you are prepared to resume our training."
"Mm-hm! Thank you, Meta Knight!" Kirby gleefully responded, his sour mood forgotten as he held the precious Maxim Tomato in his hands. Good food made everything better! The new type of training was still dumb, in his opinion, and it was gonna be hard to beat Meta Knight with all those extra rules in place, but thanks to his snack, he had a feeling that he could do it!!
...Meanwhile, in the distance and out of sight of the unsuspecting duo, Magolor snickered to himself as he prepared his legion of mini Scarcutter attacks. It was wonderful to see his friends enjoying the theme park he created, and while he did have some Park Manager work to attend to... Well, who's to say he couldn't have his own fun in Merry Magoland's attractions?
#(it's me i'm kirby ASGSGFDGSH)#he gets to be a grumpy baby today lmao#not a comic or an ask#meta knight#kirby#kirby (character)#ic writing#magolor#i've been playing the rtdl remake today!#i've meant to get it for a while#but only went ahead and bought it recently so that i could play through the regular mode with my little cousin#and then later i can go through hard mode and the epilogue and the arenas and all that side stuff on my own#but he was doing stuff with his mother today so while he was gone i did most of the merry magoland missions#and well. samurai kirby >:(#the first two levels were fine! but that last one. ughhhh#my reaction time is Not Good so magolor and meta knight kept kicking my ass#i did eventually win after a lot of tries and completed all those missions thankfully!#but i *was* starting to wonder if meta knight would even be possible for me at that difficulty fgsgsdgf#though also the animation for when you lose to magolor IS really funny. fucker just crushing kirbs with a mini lor lmao#anyway. i didn't really have the time or motivation to draw anything about it so i wrote this little thing instead#sorry for the lack of activity again lately by the way! ...though it will probably continue for at least a little longer#i have at least two art projects i'd like to finish first before i go back to working on that ask i shared a panel of a while ago
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if i'm less on tumblr these days, i'm trying to get my shit together. wish me luck. if i'm back online a lot a lot that's either good bc i figured something out or really bad lol
#a biscuit's rambles#i started this week off with two breakdown days balancing on the ledge#funnily enough the tarot cards helped#my friend saw a lotr tarot deck and immediately thought of me and the cards are GORGEOUS#anyways my mum has done that kinda stuff before so we did that yesterday#and like. theyre not some mystical magic to tell you the truth and future#but they do help think about your problem from various angles#when you try to interpret a card you actually just think really hard on what you already know but never put in words#like. its a great tool to get your thoughts in order and work on a solution instead of just kinda drowning in your problem and messy though#also did i mention how freaking beautiful those cards are#thats the connection theyre talking about baby i just think theyre the most wonderful thing#ITS LORD OF THE RINGS INCLUDING RATHER NICHE CHARACTERS AND I LOVE IT
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mm
#i miss my dog#long story short my first baby that was my own was a puppy that i adopted with my ex#her name is Sarah and she was a rottie/german sheperd mix and was absolutely beautiful#and since ex was recovering from surgery when we got her i raised her from a baby#and did all her training and took her out to parks and new places and just totally threw myself into taking care of her#she was so well trained and so sweet and so nervous all the time. i worked on confidence building with her and she trusted me so much#she listened to me over anyone else and ran to hide behind me when she was anxious and would let me do things she wouldnt let anyone elsedo#and then. of course. when we split up my ex took her with her.#i got the second puppy we'd been raising for a few months at that point.#her logic was that she picked Sarah out so she was hers and I picked Lucas out so he was mine#and it's not that I don't love him but I miss that dog so so much. she's reactive and hard to deal with and my ex just. never dealt with it#when we were together i was the one working on it and taking her out in public even though it was hard and walking her#so i know shes not getting the kind of care she needs. which makes it even fucking harder.#just. im trying to love the dog that I have and i do love him. i do! but she was my baby and i miss her so so much and i know shes not okay#ive been trying to give myself grace and know that i wont have as much of a bond with Lucas as i did with her right away and thats okay#but i know that i resent it a little bit every time im reminded that he's not her. and its going away#but slowly. and im trying to lean into doing the kind of things i did with her like training and confidence building and bonding#but ive been avoiding it because it makes me sad every time. but the lil fucker deserves better. and he needs some manners.#so im gonna work through it and just. do it with him. treat him with as much love as i did her when she was growing up.#itll either get better with time or it wont and ill deal with it when i get to it#but fuck do i miss her so much
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god goromi really fucked my gender didn't she
#anyway i painted the world's shittiest stubble on myself today and wore the fanciest most hostess-esque dresses i have and GRGXZGRGRHZZGZXX#if i wasnt living in one of the US' finest transphobic hell states i would go out and i would get so many bitches like that i look SO GOOD#and it's so gender. god. t4t relationship WHEN!!!!! SOON I HOPE#someone come dote on this gnc emo boy please she's withering away without his proper care like a sickly tomodachi gf#when i get to college i could do little dorm dates n shit. maybe host drag practice nights or smth <33#that's the dream baby#god. goromi wasnt my genderfluid awakening character but she came right after i figured it out and i latched on SO HARD#shes literally THE pillar of my gender representation. load bearing one-off gag 80% of the fandom KNOWS is More Than A Gag (me included)#god she's so genderrrrr. i need to be her STAT#when i say thats the dream the dream is actually getting to present like that openly and unafraid regularly but uh (: not. not now#but someday. and i am confident in that#if not me then someone like me#but i still hope i can wrangle up some college queers to be funny and gay with yknow. tis only a few months away!!#i gotta take it off before i go downstairs again bc frankly im not ready for my family to realize Oh It's For Real. Like You'll Act On It#she's a fragile baby bird atm and frankly i dont want them to know yet#(they know im gfluid just. i dont talk about it with my mom and she still uses she/her only. i dont think ive had the pronoun talk with her#yet though so thats not even her fault really. but i didnt wanna come out to her when i did!!! so im taking my sweet time with this)#so im stalling a bit even though i REALLY need to do work and it's gotta be downstairs </3#anyway if people could just univerally decide to use he/she for majima interchangeably all the time so i could do that unchallenged thatd#be so cool thanks#like i know theres merit in other interpretations and i love them but what about ME#anyway. mwah i love gender sure hope nothing bad happens to it#i need to be someone's girlfriend boyfriend so badly you dont understand. ggrgrgrgrggrgrgrggrgrdbzvxzvzvzhsdhf#sorry for yearning. I'll hold it off as long as i can
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if i was shiv roy my anger would be biblical
#she’s terrible too but like#jesus fucking christ. can u imagine your whole life youve been raised to think ur lesser cause of ur gender ur fathers both consistently#underestimated you and excluded you due to your gender (and also his general manipulativeness) while in a way being his ‘favourite child’#and the most like him. and you only have brothers and you have to be soooo careful that everyone just doesn’t see u as the crazy woman. and#your dad FINALLY lets u in on the company but obviously it’s just another bargaining tactic and he doesn’t really and your brothers still#leave you out of everything. then he dies and you’re the one he SAID he actualtl WANTED as ceo to your face but for some reason kendall and#roman get to be joint ceo and promise promise promise they’ll let you in on it all but OBVIOUSLY they don’t and they try and screw the deal#you’ve been trying so hard to get without telling you#so yeah you get a little angry and you work with the guy they were screwing over and go behind their back with him. sure i would too. and#your brother wants to elect a fascist who’d probably make it illegal for you to abort that baby you’re pregnant with#(not that you seem to want to and not that you couldn’t anyway even if it was illegal you’re rich; but the point stands)#and your other brother is ‘morally against it’ but still goes along with it all#and ur just in a room and everyone around you is a white guy who will never really be affected by these policies that the president theyre#putting in power is going to enact that are going to kill people#and no one at all will listen to you especially not when they find out you ‘betrayed’ them EVEN THOUGH TBEY DID IT FIRST. and you’re#literally just a hysterical woman to them and you can see it happening and you’re like the most powerful person in the world but you can’t#seem to.. DO anything?#ANYWWY. jesus normally i love yelling at shiv. but jesus fucking christ#i can’t even begin to describe how angry i would be#i felt so angry on her behalf#oliver talks#succession
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okay! enough despair (I hope) there’s not much to be done anyways other than crying some more (I’m tired of crying) or like focusing on what I can control (or at least try to)
#whimsy whispers#we will take baby steps and not put so much hope on things it’ll be fine (saying this I almost started crying again because I do no believe#that it will be fine)#I’ll get a job and save money then start taking ged study courses then I’ll get my ged#I’ll continue saving my money and contributing how I can and maybe the plans to live with kane and lex will work out#idk what to do from there#I suppose look into college classes even though I don’t entirely know what I want to do with my life#do I still want to be a librarian am I even smart enough for that? probably not#idk how to go about getting out of this state and far from it#I want to live far away and I want to be secure and I don’t want to be alone#but there’s no one to live with if I move far away#because everyone already has plans and most of them involve staying here and I just can’t do that I cannot live here for the rest of my life#I don’t want to be alone either but maybe I’ll just have to be#idk where to even like go that’s far from here the plans I had fell through and that simply can’t be helped and it was dumb of me to hold#onto the plans as tightly as I did because nothing is set in stone#I’ll think about all this when I get there I suppose like rn I just need to take baby steps i guess#I am trying so hard not to start crying again because i need to eat dinner and I don’t want people to ask why I’ve been crying
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I had to tell my manager, borderline in tears, that I had to go home just minutes after clocking into my second shift after finally returning to work this week because my son’s father is so incapable of watching his own children that he had a tantrum until I came home. But I got to dance in the kitchen with my kids while my oldest very proudly made pancakes all by himself, and although I sobbed the entire way home, seeing my children smile at me with that much love almost made me forget it.
#I didn’t leave him with them alone ofc#my mom was also home but she said she wasn’t prepared to watch the baby and so I had to come home if he wasn’t gonna do it#this man told me to go back to work#told me watching kids was easier than working#spent an entire year berating me for being lazy and not working even though I was fucking half dying in the hospital and I’ve never not wor#even though I’ve been the primary parent and the primary supporter this whole goddam time#and then because I woke him up at 5:30 AM and he was hungover and tired from going out the night before and because my child is still adjus#to my absence#and was crying#he decided absolutely not#blew up my phone cursing me out and calling me selfish and accusing me of abandoning my child because I care more about leaving the house#sending me videos of my son crying and saying he wasn’t going to pick him up at all so I better come home#even though my mom said she watched him pick him up to console him immediately after the video so he was just being a#manipulative ass#telling me he wasn’t a babysitter and demanding I come back and even though he spent so much time telling me to go#he tried to tell me he told me not to#even though once again he said he was moving out last night and wouldn’t be giving me a dime so idk wtf he expected me to do#Sure with the right person I’d love to stay home and raise my children to think I want to go to work ???#but I’m not about to remain trapped and ar your mercy forever but#I could not stay and work after all that. My heart was breaking and I’m not strong enough to watch videos of my baby crying and not react#and even though my mom took him at my request she did not want to take care of him doe ten hours and I had to come home#and I just don’t know how she can continue to judge me daily and say things like you’ll figure it out when I’m trying my fucking hardest an#no one is able to help like it’s no one’s responsibility and I wish I could do it alone but I cannot stay home with y kids 24/7 and not rel#on him#and I csnnot go to work and support my fsmkly#Without him if I have no one to watch my kids#and I was sobbing so hard on the way home I almost couldn’t drive because I feel so trapped that I couldn’t breathe#truly an awful morning but I will spin the memory of my son laughing at the perfect pancakes he flipped#and my other son giggling for the first time when I tossed him up into the air#inside my brain so many times that it’ll erase everything else
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When Sophia rang this morning, she said she'd slept on the couch, still in yesterday's clothes, had knocked over the coffee and it had spilt everywhere and everything was wet and she couldn't even light her cigarette and
#normal people problems#also my work emails had a fit today and i clearly need to resign and i hate everything and#i could tell Sophia was in a bad mood when she rang at 5 minutes to 5pm and yet that's when i told her I'm leaving early next Monday#and that i have an exam on the 8th#she's like 'what exam?????' Jesus Christ Sophia i already mentioned it to you#it's just so hard to train the new girl#sure I'm being a baby about it all but it's just so hard and i hate it and Sophia rings every two seconds telling me to do something else#so I'm doing like several things at once and the new girl is obviously confused and i just#Jenette and Colleen did so much like not huge things just a whole lot of little things and i can barely keep up with everything#and then to show a new girl how to do things#like it takes double the amount of time to explain#aw man i didn't even put the petty cash money away#or send out the correspondence#everything's so much up to shit#i just#i feel so awful though because I'm definitely not doing enough and i know Sophia needs me to do more (invoices) but i just#I'm so dumb and everything is a mess and#i barely take lunch breaks like just eat kitkats and freddos and juice throughout the day that's it#also he barely talks to me in the office and i have to be around a married couple but at least i get to banter with Tony sometimes#Tony come on tell me about your girlfriend and we'll double date I've seen she's the man i know how double dates work#I'm violet as a boy and he is eunice and Tony is Channing Tatum and his girlfriend is Olivia and#i see nothing wrong with this
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