#I could make a separate post bringing up context from book and show but I have no clue if anon is interested in reading such a long reply
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Have they butchered Rhaenyra and Aegon that much? Idk i think i liked them both in the show, but reading people opinions it seems they changed them from the source material especially Aegon. Are they that different from their book characters?
obviously there's no problem if you or anyone else likes the show version. I know many people who do in fact, and while I don't feel the same everyone is valid.
As for the change, well, we don't know a lot of things about Aegon II pre-war to be honest. The things that are mentioned is that he's lazy, folds girls, most likely raped some as well, and protested for a sec against stealing Rhaneyra's throne.
Of course, if we analyze it, we gotta consider the people who report these events, how reliable they are etc. In my personal opinion, I don't think there's any narrator that is just right. I think the truth lies somewhere in the between.
Anyways, back to Aegon, in the show we see he's also lazy, wants nothing to do with the throne, he also rapes girls and he seems against the idea of ruling so you'd think "well, that's not so different" but once you read f&b and consider the context of the world building it's easy to see there's a difference.
first of all, show!Aegon seems to be very isolated. We have seen in asoiaf royals are rarely left alone. Even someone as Aegon, he'd hang out with the sons of the lords that are part of the king's council. They'd drink, go to brothels together, mess around etc. Also Alicent has 0 power over Aegon. Her being verbally and physically abusive is a weird choice (of course her character is also someone entirely different so we shouldn't be surprised), the only person who could be able to push him around is Otto - and even he has limitations.
it just seems hotd doesn't seem to understand the power and privilege people from that upper class are capable of having.
We also have some very few hints of the relationships he had with his family; with Alicent he mostly ignored her, with Aemond they were civil and there was nothing to show they weren't getting along in childhood, with his nephews he was obviously jealous because of the attention Viserys gave them,with Helaena he was neutral and their marriage wasn't the abusive type the fandom has agreed to think of it as.
so yeah, with Aegon the differences are mostly the way they haven't really established the dynamics he has with each family member.
Now when it comes to Rhaneyra... yeah the difference is much more huge. Young Rhaneyra isn't like the wannabe tomboy the show tried to push; she was cheerful, intelligent and incredible charming. her father doted on her and many lords liked her. (I won't get into her romantic relationships because this post will become longer but the portray of daemyra is very different as well).
While I wouldn't say she was as isolated as the show portrayed her, she definitely felt lonely. Alicent had given birth to Aegon, she was pushing her son to be betrothed to Rhaneyra, and she was very antagonistic towards her stepdaughter. So ofc that made Rhaneyra angry and feeling lonely since her father tried to keep neutral ground and please both of them.
Everything changed when Daemon came back from the stepstones and the rest was history.
As for older Rhaneyra (still pre-war), book!Rhaneyra remains a very emotional woman, she acts with her heart and prioritizes her feelings; she doesn't have the need to "prove" something because the throne is hers. She just wants to be happy with the man she loves, build an family and maybe knock down Alicent's smug face every now and then.
She's a "girly girl" and her power move is in her words and the way she dresses and makes statements.
All of these are lost in the show. Young Rhaneyra is just angry, she's constantly insecure about her place but does nothing to show she's capable. Older Rhaneyra loses the fire the younger one has, she's tamer, more silent and more scared. She's just not Rhaenyra at all. There's 0 of her temper, fierceness and her unforgiveness.
I've kinda given up hope that they'll ever turn it around anon. Because I don't see how they could fix it in such a way we'd forget the characterization the two had in s1.
Anyways, I'm sorry this reply became so long 😅 Truth be told I can talk about these characters for hours. I hope I managed to answer your question, and remember, it's perfectly fine if you prefer the show. No judgements from me. I just read the book long ago and am already attached the characters the way I got to know them, so it kinda impossible to just forget their canon selves
#anti hotd#hotd critical#f&b vs hotd#I could make a separate post bringing up context from book and show but I have no clue if anon is interested in reading such a long reply
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Taylor’s Guide for Getting into DC Comics
decided to make an official post for my method on getting into DC Comics
I don’t know anything about DC Comics and comics continuity scares me
if you’re intimidated by how many comics there are and all the different timelines and continuities and oh my god there’s so many characters then i suggest starting with watching Batman the Brave and the Bold
what it is: it’s a three season 22 minute cartoon from 2008. it focuses on Batman teaming up with a bunch of different heroes and is generally episodic in nature
why i recommend it as a starting point: at this point pretty much everyone has heard of batman in some shape or form. so this gives you a familiar character while being exposed to an enormous cast of different characters. it doesn’t give you the origins or much explanation for many of the characters or how they all know each other which is much like reading modern comics! so it helps you get used to not knowing who everyone is and not getting an origin story every time someone shows up. it also shows you pretty much every corner of the dc universe so you gain some passing familiarity with someone from every niche even if its by name only
some of its flaws: since its an adaptation there are things (many things) that don’t line up with how things are (or ever were) in the comics. which brings me to my next step
READ THE WIKIPEDIA PAGES OF CHARACTERS YOU’RE INTERESTED IN
i’m not talking about the wiki/fandom pages. i’m talking about wikipedia. this will give you some broader context for the characters both in universe and in the cultural landscape. also if you don’t feel ready to read the comics yet/don’t know where to get those comics it will give you other adaptations of that character if there are any. it could also mention another character that you also think is interesting and then you can read their pages
when you’ve done that then you can move onto
I know what character I want to read but how do I know what to read?
your two best friends are going to be googling “[character name] comic vine” and “[character name] dc wiki”
both comic vine and the dc wiki keep lists of character appearances. the dc wiki has them linked at the bottom of each character page while comic vine has them linked at the top
whats the difference between them?
comic vine keeps every appearance of the character under the same list even if its from a different continuity. they also list trade paperbacks and other language reprints under the same page. comic vine sorts it by series so you will see the series that your chosen character has the most appearances in first. which might not always be issues about them
the dc wiki separates out the character appearances based on which continuity its under. so characters will have multiple appearance lists depending on when it was published and if it was for an au or not. for example: bruce wayne (new earth) and bruce wayne (prime earth) are two of the MANY different pages with appearance lists for batman on the dc wiki. vs comic vine where they’re all under bruce wayne. the dc wiki does not include reprints and trade paperbacks under the appearance lists and sorts it alphabetically
so which one do i use?
personally i’d start with the comic vine list. its easier to get the relevant info from and then use it to answer these questions
does your character have a solo series?
a solo series is anything that’s named after that character. sometimes they’re duo series (batman & superman, blue & gold, fire & ice: smallville etc). if yes start with one of those. if you plan on reading everything and don’t mind older writing styles pick the oldest one and move through the list of solo series. if you are turned off by the older writing styles start with the oldest one published in or after 1986. if you just want to read more modern/current stuff start with one labeled “rebirth” at the top
is your character on a team book?
if your character doesn’t have a solo or you read the solos and want to read something else see if they’re on a team book! team books are just what they sound like. books that focus on a bunch of characters that are operating under the same team name. if you read their wikipedia page it probably mentions if theyre on a team. you can also double check with the dc wiki (check the [character name] new earth and [character name] prime earth pages to see if they’re affiliated with anyone)
if they’re in multiple volumes of the same title team book i would generally start with the oldest. again skip any from before 1986 if you can’t handle the older writing styles. and if you only want the really new stuff start with ones with the rebirth label on them
my character doesn’t have a solo or a team book!
so you’ve got a few options.
look up a reading guide (which honestly you couldve done for the other characters too but i think it’s better to learn how to choose which ones to read yourself since they don’t always have reading guides)
start at their first appearance then go from there (if comic vine has your character listed with 250 or less appearances this is a decent choice especially since anywhere from 10 to 25% of those will be reprints)
choose based on the artwork (good art/art you like can get you through a lot of bad writing)
generally all of these are good options to take. with option three just be wary if the writer is tom king since he is known to take extreme liberties with characteristics
tips and tricks
if you really like the writing or the art on a book take note of who wrote it or who drew it. if you search “[creator name] comic vine” it will pull up a page similar to the character ones and you can check what other stuff they made. following a creator’s career is a good way to branch out your reading list and helps you identify what you do and don’t like
if there’s a specific kind of character you want to read (divorced, fire powers, alien, etc) you can check the category pages on the dc wiki. just find the page of a character you know fits that category (maxwell lord for divorced for example) scroll to the bottom. expand the categories and click on the one you’re looking for. you’ll find a list of characters with that tag on them
some characters are just confusing so don’t worry about it. hawkman, hawkgirl/woman, and supergirl have three of the most confusing continuities in dc comics. so if it seems confusing don’t let it stop you
you really don’t have to understand the nuances of continuity in order to enjoy comics. that has never stopped a writer before. so it shouldn’t stop you!
you can read comics with the dc universe subscription or comixology or going to your local comic shop. some used bookstores also have comic bins. if you google “read comic online” you should probably find something. make sure you have a good adblock though
thats basically it. just rinse and repeat with however many characters you want!
final notes
personally i think reading stuff from oldest to newest is the most interesting way to read comics because then you can see how the character has evolved over the years and find out which writers like to collaborate with previous ideas and which ones like to bulldoze it all down
1986 is chosen as a dividing point because that is when DC’s first MAJOR continuity reboot happens. it’s Crisis On Infinite Earths and basically just combines all the different DC earths into one. so there’s a lot of explaining whats going on in those earlier books. you CAN start with the 70s stuff if you want but generally its easier to start with the late 80s if you don’t want to go all the way back
books labeled rebirth are chosen for the people who want to start with the now because that is the start of the last major reboot and will introduce you to the modern interpretation of the character. which imo isnt always the best since a lot of the modern interpretations are more shallow. but to each their own
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“…I was seeing agency and power in art where it frankly didn’t exist.” Wow that is such a powerful line.
And yeah OP this is why I think you bring up an important discussion, even if I don’t necessarily agree with your stance as a whole. I would love for people to talk about it more because I’ve thought about it myself as seeing the objectification of women throughout my childhood is what planted the seeds of my rage that later would only be healed by feminism.
I think when critically examining the history behind female nudity in art, we should think about what made it so offensive in the first place. I see you mentioned the element of passivity and their function as a decoration.
To me, these elements don’t exist in a vacuum, they are born out of the patriarchal system in which they are created. It’s not just passivity, it’s passivity for a man. It’s not just decoration, it’s decoration for a man. It’s the message, “You have no power in this society, and now we own your body too.” There’s a message of violence through this art.
And that’s why there are other elements that make them problematic. For me, more troubling than passivity is that the women are frequently shown in positions that seem actively uncomfortable. Like the ink drawings above. If you already know to look out for it, it’s a dead giveaway that they were made by a man.
So knowing this context, is there a way for women to appreciate the female body purely for its aesthetic beauty without it being harmful? For me, yes. Firstly, I think we should on principle avoid reblogging any art depicting female nudity that is made by men. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that women want to appreciate the physical beauty of the female body if it’s made by women for women.
However, the next issue is that a woman could still depict female nudity in a way that emulates men’s problematic depictions of us, so for example we should avoid art that depicts women as posing in ways that would be physically uncomfortable in real life. Headless art is another example of female nudity being depicted in a way that is dehumanizing, and should be avoided as well.
When it comes to decoration, I think for something to qualify as such it needs to be displayed where an onlooker would happen upon it without seeking it out, like hanging it on a wall or being on an album cover. Art being posted in a blog is more akin to being inside something like a book. I think there is more of a dehumanizing quality to the former, which is why I personally tend to not like art depicting nudity of either sex being displayed in public.
Lastly, you mentioned art that is “rebellious” like the ones that depict menstruation. But we are not the audience for this. It’s to send a message to men. So it’s completely separate from the art in discussion here because its purpose is protest, not appreciation. It seems sad to me to suggest that women can only make art about their bodies purely for the purpose of shocking men but not for the appreciation of other women.
Ultimately, while I don’t think it helps us to throw around accusations of homophobia among each other, it is important to recognize why a bisexual or lesbian woman would find it offensive to be labeled as morally wrong for creating or appreciating art with female nudity in any way. Our love for the female body will never be the same as men’s, and I believe it’s ok to show that love as long as it is done thoughtfully.
(BTW, yes I happen to think those modern examples given with the pretty colors are actually a little better, but A) the second one is an example of a pose that doesn’t seem natural to me, and B) the artist frequently makes the “female” subjects with penises to appeal to trans people so to me it is no longer appreciation of the female body and I no longer support her work).
I’m sorry but I think it’s really weird when radfems reblog art with naked women that is just as passive as the art we criticize. I saw a piece where a group of women was just laying down and everybody was naked and they were all sleeping I guess? And because it was several women together then the use of female nakedness for decoration isn’t a problem anymore? If they have three strands of pubic hair then it’s different? That one male artist that draws black and white images with ballpoint ink too, why does he get reblogged on here so much? Ok the women are, idk, holding stars or something, but it’s still so obviously a naked female body used for decorative purposes. You never see artsy naked men holding stars reblogged for “appreciation/admiration” or art of naked men sleeping in groups drawn with “aesthetic” colors
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This comment was left on my post on Judd Winick’s Jason:
#i still dunno how i feel about jay showing up in star city to ~recruit mia (for lack of a better word)
by @natasharomanovofficial and I don’t really think he was trying to “recruit” Mia. But it’s a whole thing on its own, so, separate post!
This is going a bit into meta and character analysis, specifically around Green Arrow Vol 3 69-72.
While it’s not uncommon for heroes and villains to have team-ups and appear in each other’s books, aside from the fact that GA was written by Judd Winick at the time and he was one of the few writers at the time who actually liked Jason (why did everyone hate him so much? Just for replacing Dick who had kind of outgrown Robin? Jeez), on the surface, it might be confusing why Jason would bother fucking around in Star City with Brick and Ollie. Especially since, while very world-traveled, he has always been very Gotham-centered. And if he was just, y’know, doing weapons deals with Brick as was what was initially displayed (and apparently a cover) it could have been mentioned in passing in Batman or GA, no need for a whole story.
But while Jason is supposed to get weapons from Brick and teams up with him against Ollie and Bruce, (which I will now show you because it’s fucking hilarious)
the key, his goal, is Mia Dearden.
Now I am admittedly relatively new to my interest in the Arrowfam (and my interest has mostly centered around Roy and Lian with Dinah sprinkled in for flavor), so I am unfortunately no expert on Mia just yet. Doesn’t help that there’s been no hide nor hair of her since the reboot of the New 52. Come on, Rebirth era, bring her back!
However, I am capable of reading wikis lol. Also, context clues.
So, what makes Mia so special that Jason would take a crew and leave home just to talk to her? (which, in the end, is pretty much all he does)
Let’s break down the confrontation!
Jason is a dramatic bitch, but also in general inherently intimidating. He’s a big strong crime lord from Gotham’s worst neighborhood (which says something because it’s fucking Gotham) who has Bat-training, world-wide Talia-approved assassin training, and of course, was beaten and blown up by the Joker, revived through no known means(in-canon, but it was SB Prime because he punched the universe), and tossed into a Lazarus Pit. He’s scary.
But he doesn’t expect Mia will be scared. He knows she’s tough and brave and been through very familiar hell. He’s not locking her down and keeping her helpless either. She’s tied up and knocked out so she is forced to confront him alone, but as soon as she’s conscious, he lets her go and gives her her own weapon. Plus, she has home field advantage--not only is it her city, but her school gym. She’s in a familiar environment while he’s not.
This is partly a test and partly proving the point he’s always trying to prove: sometimes, lethal force is necessary.
He’s not even really trying to hurt her while making his point. When he manages to successfully break her weapon, he gives her his own swords. And he gives him her two blades while he keeps just his one flamberge-type dagger (which is so fucking cool btw why doesn’t he have that anymore? It’s so pretty!). And he takes off his protective helmet. He’s giving her advantage after advantage.
And then we get to his point.
“We’re not so different, you and I.” Really, Jay? That’s incredibly cliche even for you, you over-dramatic crumpet.
Except Jason is a detective by trade and he does his research. He does know about her.
So, obvious parallels out of the way first. Jason and Mia are both abused children forced to live on big city streets, surviving by any means necessary, and eventually being adopted by a wealthy playboy vigilante to escape from another abusive situation. They were also about the same age when they were left on their own. While Jason’s father was arrested or killed before that, he was on his own when Catherine died by the time he was 12. While I have no idea about her mother, Mia ran from her abusive father and was on the streets at age 11.
There’s also the drug history. Mia apparently “shot drugs” (which I honestly am not sure means she was an addict or a seller but either way) while Jason watched his addict mom die, and is now a dealer himself (with an explicit rule against dealing to children).
Another important thing to note: this conversation is part of the reason--well, most of the reason, honestly--that people think Jason might have been a child prostitute.
(one other entirely irrelevant similarity is, apparently, both of them like to read! neat little tidbit there.)
But there’s also a meta-textual similarity here.
Did You Know? Jason Todd was initially intended--sort of--to die from AIDS instead of explodified by Mistah J!
This is only because of Jim Starlin, known Robin-hater and writer for Death in the Family.
“Well, I always thought that the whole idea of a kid side-kick was sheer insanity. So when I started writing Batman, I immediately started lobbying to kill off Robin. At one point DC had this AIDS book they wanted to do. They sent around memos to everybody saying “What character do you think we should, you know, have him get AIDS and do this dramatic thing” and they never ended up doing this project. I kept sending them things saying “Oh, do Robin! Do Robin!” And Denny O’Neill said “We can’t kill Robin off”. Then Denny one night got this flash that “Hey, if we get this number where people call in and they can vote on it, they can decide whether Robin lives or dies.” So that’s how it started. I wrote up two endings and the readers came in and voted and I think it was 93 or something, it was this negliable amount, the difference for him to be put to death. And the death won out of course.”
Okay, first of all, fuck that guy. No “let’s have Jason retire” or “let’s make Jason grow up” or “let’s ship him off to boarding school” or something, just jumping straight to child murder. Coolcoolcoolcoolcool.
But also, here’s what Judd Winick had to say about that idea.
"I think it was a stunning, unbelievable thing. In the time of fears and epidemic, to have had a superhero have it, I was stunned and proud to hear about that. But they were not able to do it. I always forget to ask Denny [O'Neil] about that, about what happened.”
Which, fair. This is what he’d said just before that, when asked, actually, about Mia!
"The way that came about was actually a lot like how I ended up bringing Jason Todd back. [...] ...when it was my turn, I said 'I think she should be Speedy, and I think she should test positive, and one should be about the other'. In the face of a potentially shortened lifespan, it wasn't 'I'm gonna die real soon', it was 'every little bit of it matters, should go towards something'. It was that she could give something, not about when she was gonna die. That was always my point. It made sense."
So Judd Winick knew about the idea of Jason dying of AIDS when he decided Mia would be positive for HIV, and subsequently writing this Red Hood vs Speedy story.
Now a small science interlude because I too am a huge nerd who must know everything.
In the off chance you don’t know, HIV (human immunodeficiency virus), if not treated, can lead to AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome). They are, as the name suggests, viruses that attack the immune system of the host, weakening it and causing a whole host of problems.
Jason’s demise and the plotting thereof was in the 1980s. This was early in the epidemic, and there were certain perceptions regarding the disease. HIV and AIDS are transmitted through body fluids mostly. If Jason had got it, technically it could have been something as simple as accidentally getting a positive person’s blood on him in a fight. But the most well-documented means of transmission were injections and sexual contact. Now, there’s also the chance that Jason could have gotten it from a bad transfusion. A story also could have been made of him dealing with drugs, which I find less likely--though possible I suppose--considering his mom. Though he could have gotten it from her while caring for her. So many ways it could have gone. But it’s worth noting, it was especially common among not-straight men, hence the increased stigma against gay men. This is also a big and dumb part of why people have to not have had same-sex sexual contact for months prior to donating blood. I hate this fucking country.
Educational rant and theorizing over lol.
TL;DR for that part, Jason could have been given AIDS which is a metatextual parallel to Mia having HIV that was not purely accidental since the writer knew about the idea.
MOVING ON!
Getting to Jason’s point.
Jason has her on the ropes. He has her pinned down and immobile. He has her disarmed and his hands on her throat.
And then he backs away.
He connects with her. They have a common history. He knows first-hand that Bruce could never kill anyone no matter how vile, and Ollie has similar values (if not the same because, well...Ollie has killed people. But y’know.).
In my personal opinion, he sees Mia as potential for how things could have been. Robin is the light to Batman’s dark, but Jason is also the down-to-earth and wordly-aware from a harsh life compared to Bruce’s sheer privilege. Mia has the opportunity to be both for Ollie, and to make the hard choices he can’t.
But Jason doesn’t force her to do anything.
He lets her go.
(with a little explosion for flavor because he’s a dramatic bitch like that)
He just wanted to “teach her a lesson”. This was literally an educational venture. He extremely literally took her to school.
He schooled her oh my god I’m just getting that now holy shit.
Jason Todd, you absolute literary nerd, you are the fucking worst and I hate you and I love you.
This, to my knowledge, is the last we hear about it.
But Mia’s still thinking about it. Jason’s words got to her on some level. She knows he’s right about some things--they are very similar, and yeah, maybe some people deserve to die.
But Jason is so frequently used as a cautionary tale--the Robin that screwed up--that she is not going to become him.
But maybe that was also part his plan.
Don’t be me. Be better.
But I guess that’s just a theory.
A Comic Theory thanks for--
#Jason Todd#Red Hood#Green Arrow#Speedy#Mia Dearden#DC Comics#Bruce Wayne#Batman#Oliver Queen#Brick#Daniel Brickwell#Robin#A Death in the Family
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Scene analysis – Lan Wangji’s iconic love confession: differences in meaning and impact in the novel vs the show.
(This post has been sitting in my drafts forever, but I’m finally, FINALLY here to deliver! It is a monster.)
The main difference that people point out about this scene is that after Lan Wangji drops the iconic line 我想带一人回云深不知处...带回去,藏起来 / I wish to take someone back to Cloud Recesses. Take them back, and hide them away*. Lan Xichen gets the line "他不愿 / but he is not willing", whereas Lan Wangji is the one to say the entire line in the book.
For precision’s sake, the text in the novel is 他不愿 / he is not willing, while in CQL, Lan Xichen’s full line is 只怕他不愿吧? / it’s just that he would not be willing, right?
(*I’m using my own translation of the line - you can read my full translation notes here. But just for ease of reading the screenshots have the Netflix subtitles.)
On the surface it seems to be a negative change, as it detracts from Lan Wangji himself being the one to acknowledge the importance of consent.
But the thing is, this scene happens under a very different context in the show vs the novel. 1) Wangxian's relationship to each other is completely different when LWJ makes this confession, and 2) the information that Lan Xichen has coming into this conversation is very different. And that fundamentally changes the meaning of the words and the purpose of this conversation.
(Full analysis under the cut, ft: translation notes, more screencaps of LWJ’s beautiful face, Wangxian pining, and me losing it by the end)
–
Remember, prior to Wei Wuxian's death in the novel, Wangxian really don't interact. All of their public interactions have been bordering on unfriendly (e.g. the teasing at Cloud Recesses, WWX pulling off LWJ's headband, their falling out over WWX's demonic cultivation). Even though Lan Xichen picked up early on that Lan Wangji was interested in Wei Wuxian, he has no way to know how deep Lan Wangji's feelings really go.
(In the version of the text I’ve got, which I think might be a super old edition, it is very clear that LXC has no clue who LWJ is even talking about.)
So in the novel, this scene is Lan Wangji’s moment of confession to his brother of his love for Wei Wuxian. When he says, "I want to bring someone home and hide them", referencing their parents' 'love' story, he's saying, "I have someone that I love", in a language only his brother would understand.
Crucially, he then follows that confession of love with: "but he is not willing". With this, Lan Wangji separates his love from his father’s. This highlights the theme of consent in Wangxian’s relationship, and tells us what's on Lan Wangji's mind in his tense interactions with Wei Wuxian during this time. He's convinced that Wei Wuxian would never love him back, and Lan Wangji refuses to be his father.
This is the central dilemma of Lan Wangji in Wei Wuxian's first life. So yes, it's important that he got this line in its entirety in the novel.
But Wangxian's relationship in the Untamed is completely different. In Wei Wuxian’s first life, they're not strangers or enemies, they're best friends. They ditch parties together. Wei Wuxian swoons on the battlefield into Lan Wangji’s ready arms. Just a few minutes ago Wei Wuxian called them soulmates while they stared into each others eyes for a solid 30 seconds.
In this version of the story, it's no a secret that Wangxian love each other. Lan Wangji telling his brother that he loves Wei Wuxian wouldn’t be the earth-tilting revelation that it is in the novel. When he says, “I want to bring someone—” there’s only one someone that he could be talking about. The consent issue isn’t really relevant here*.
Instead, the show turns this line into a different sort of admission.
At this point in the story, Lan Wangji is increasingly desperate to get through to Wei Wuxian. He’s trying to help him, but Wei Wuxian keeps pushing him away. We just saw him hit a breaking point when he confronted Wei Wuxian directly during the Baifeng Mountain hunt.
So when this Lan Wangji, in this context, says to his brother, "I want to take him home, to hide him away", he takes the same reference about their parents, and shifts the focus to a different part of the story – the fact that their father hid their mother away to save her life. He's saying, "I love him, and I'm afraid for him, and I'm desperate to protect him. I want to run away and hide him, so that he can’t get hurt."
Here, it makes perfect sense for Lan Xichen to respond, in essence, "But the thing is, he would not agree."
And he's right, because Wei Wuxian has been vocally defensive against any criticism. Lan Xichen is bringing up the obvious point that Wei Wuxian would likely reject Lan Wangji's help.
And Lan Wangji knows his brother is right.
It’s painfully timely for Lan Wangji’s fears to boil over at this moment, because Wei Wuxian is about to walk in and catapult himself right into danger and rejection.
The chronological timeline of the show really works to build this tension, because you’ve spent the last few episodes watching Wei Wuxian fall apart, and you’re just waiting for the moment it all comes crumbling down.
What made me want to analyse this scene was the huge disparity I saw between novel and show-only fans’ reaction. Because it’s such a huge central moment in the book, but for those who only watched the show, it hardly clocked as anything special. I had a few friends who didn’t even remember it after finishing CQL.
And that makes sense, because while the confession in MDZS is one of THE highlights of Wangxian’s love story, CQL has plenty of other romantic moments which slap harder. This scene is literally sandwiched between “I thought of you as my soulmate” and “If I could be killed by you, it would be worth it.” hello???????? No wonder Lan Wangji’s quiet moment of confiding in his brother would go unnoticed. I do still adore this scene in the show though, particularly because of how cleverly the show managed to make this line still work in the new context.
Ultimately, this scene is just one which demonstrates clearly the monumental shift that the show made from the Wangxian of MDZS to the one we have in CQL. It’s just a fascinating topic with a lot of interesting potential for analysis, that I hope I can get around to doing some day!
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*Note: The theme of consent and the comparison to his father is still absolutely relevant to LWJ in the show though, this post by @pumpkinpaix goes into a lot more depth.
#the untamed#the untamed meta#cql#cql meta#mdzs#cloud recesses#lan wangji#lan xichen#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#wei wuxian wangxian#mdzs meta#meta#writing#analysis#scene analysis#twin jades#meta stuff#this post was in my drafts for MONTHS#thank my newly settled job situation and my adhd meds#that it finally got done#hope yall like it!!!!#the long awaited wo xiang dai yi ren meta#what is this scene even called???#jin ling tai love confession????#it's not even that bc theres a BETTERE jinlingtai love confession#thats the whole thing tho the show is STUFFED with so much wangxian#some other possible analysis ideas#is a comprehensive breakdown of the changes to jiang cheng's character
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Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).
Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)
The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.
In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.
Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?
I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.
Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.
And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.
I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.
Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.
I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.
One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)
Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.
Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.
It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.
Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.
#nile freeman#linguistics#TOG POC Love Fest#nileweek2021#tog meta#tog#long post#mine#antiblackness#jewish things#hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it
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Could yo post your "Hag Reimagined" post separately from the long line of reblogs, please? I don't like to be remembered the awkward lore behind the original monster.
MONSTERS REIMAGINED: Hags Hagga
(here’s the original context for anyone who might be wondering, it’s a doozy)
The problem: Hags are weird in that at some point during d&d’s development, someone decided that their version of fairy tale witches were going to be monsters in and of themselves, rather than just humanoids with magical talent and a mean-streak. What’s more, they decided that these monsters were not only going to be grimm fairy tale witches, but also the “burn at the stake for consorting with the devil” Salem sort of witches, and would actually be guilty of all the gross stuff the Salem witches were accused of ( kidnapping children, consorting with demons, laying random curses etc)
Guess what friends? just like a lot of d&d’s OTHER super gross history when it comes to supplying us monsters to slaughter, it ended up using a grabbag of historical justifications for actual genocide, in this case: The blood libel/church propaganda against paganism/midwifery. it looks like in trying to come up with a folklore adherent explanation for a magical creature’s diet/breeding habits, the designers ended up propagating centuries old antisemitism…..
YIKES
so how do we fix this? how do we separate the iconic wheat of the hag’s iconography from the culturally uncomfortable chaff? I’ve got a few ideas, and I think they’ll satisfy everyone.
The Parts worth Keeping:
Part of the reason the Hag makes such an Iconic monster is because we ALL know what a witch is. Its burned into our psyche at every level of pop culture from before we’re old enough to read. As children we’re always a little afraid of the arbitrary nature of adults, so when a story revolves around an old person who kidnaps you and forces you to do chores under threat of baking you into a pie, there’s a part of us that goes: “ yeah…. that’s not that much of a stretch”
What’s more, the accessories of wichcraft make a BALLER villainous aesthetic, decrepit hovels in the roots of trees or hidden in sea-caves and crumbling towers, “bubble bubble, toil and trouble” over cauldrons full of elixirs, half-feral familiars, animated household items, handwritten books of spells and greasy candles of dubious origin. These things snap easily into the mind of any player, far easier than the aesthetics lot of other “unique” d&d baddies. ,
Narratively and from a gameplay perspective, Hags are incredibly useful as they provide a means by which minor villains ( corrupt nobles, bandits, scorned townsfolk) can access magic without bringing in a high level caster. Hags pull heavy lifting because they a) make deals which can be untangled by the party b) make chaos happen because of those deals, further adding to the adventure.
The Parts worth tossing out:
Why after all this time do we still have monsters that are defined by sex? Almost always these monsters are said to have very rape-y breeding practices ( hags were guilty of this prior to the current edition), and the distinction is seldom used for anything more than specifically gendered horror. Lets get some man-witches and non-binary crones up in here.
Extending off of that, the name “hag” has to go, especially because it’s a term for actual people. Instead lets try to give them a name more suited to the general role in the world.
“Birth horror” is not something most people I know what to deal with, so I don’t see why it should be a part of a mainline d&d monster.
As always, we want to remove the “born evil” trope wherever possible. Hags are fey in the latest editions, but for some reason the developers decided to highlight how they propagate instead of going with the “they emerge spontaneously from mature” angle that the game has adopted for most fairykind. These creatures now show up whenever you’d expect one of them to live, especially if there are already rumors circulating about there being a spellcaster of monsterous mein/deed in that location. Every child can easily spot abandoned buildings/liminal spaces where witches COULD live, so why not have them spontaneously manifest there?
My Fix:
First lets deal with the name, given we want to preserve the feel/meaning of the name, but also be inclusive, for the time being lets call them Hagga ( which is old norse, root-word of “hag”, meaning to cut”), or something else unflattering. You may also want to use “Strix”, an archaic greek mythological representation of witches that also might have to do with their conception of owls/bats
Second: anyone can be a Hagga, rather than being nature spirits or fey themselves, they are mortals that have become beholden to/transformed by the fey. The process can be done in any manner of ways for any manner of reasons, blessing or punishment or arbitrary gift…. Think of it almost like the feywild’s version of lichdom, granting great power, but at great cost.
The process irrevocably warps the would be-Hagga, specifically stripping away the parts of them they valued: Those young and strong become old and wizened, those who valued love and family become callous and spiteful, and those clever and witty become fanciful and mad.
This transformation creates a totemic object representing what the Hagga has lost, usually this defaults into the possession of the fey that initiated the change. Lost youth may be represented by a flower, a heart full of kindness may be replaced with one of stone, a hagga who goes mad may literally lose their marbles.
If these items are ever restored to the Hagga, their transformation reverses. This can give even more gameplay opportunities involving discovering the object, recovering it from its owner, and then tricking the Hagga into receiving it as part of a gift, thereby taking ownership of their lost pieces and undoing their deal with the fey.
If you really wanted to, you can still have Hagga go after children in order to make more of themselves, but the result is a magically empowered child who may be willing or unwilling to reclaim their lost goodness, rather than a description of a weird vorebirthing ritual that’ll have your players looking at you funny.
Another fun alternative, Since fey are creatures of fairytales, have a Hagga spontaneously manifest in response to the fears of a populace, catering to their particular crisis and cultural taboos. This gives a great reason for the Hagga to appear in far off wilderness or in creepy attic spaces, and to have them act out petty cruelties against the populace. They literally made the Hagga up to scare and torment them, and the feywild has responded by making their stories real. In this instance, the Hagga-bane item is something the party would need to concoct themselves, weaving it into the story if none existed before.
Art
#Anonymous#prompt postage#hag#D&D#D&D adventure#Homebrew Adventure#Adventure#DnD#monsters reimagined
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Everything You Need to Know About Pagan Deity
As you’ve probably guessed by now, there are many, many, many different approaches to deity within the wider pagan community. While it would be impossible to summarize all of these different perspectives in a single blog post, this post contains some common themes and best practices that are more or less universal and can be adapted to fit whatever system you choose to work with.
In my Baby Witch Bootcamp series, I talk about the “Four R’s” of working with spiritual beings, including deities: respect, research, reciprocity, and relationship. However, when it comes to gods and goddesses specifically, I think it’s important to include a fifth “R” — receptivity.
If you’re completely new to this kind of work and want to avoid making rookie mistakes and/or pissing off powerful spiritual forces, sticking to the Five R’s of Deity Relationships is a good place to start. The Five R’s are:
Respect. It’s always a good idea to have a healthy respect for the powers you choose to connect with, whether you see those powers as literal gods and goddesses or as archetypes within the collective unconscious (see below). While not every ritual needs to be incredibly formal and structured, you should always conduct yourself with an air of respect and reverence when connecting with deity. There’s no need to humble yourself to the point of cowering before the gods (and in fact, this kind of behavior is a turnoff for many deities), but you should strive to be polite and follow your system’s proper protocol for things like cleansing, offerings, and prayers.
Research. I am of the opinion that you should do serious research into a god or goddess before any attempt to make contact with them. This can be controversial, but in my own experience things seem to go more smoothly when I know what I’m doing. Books are really the way to go for this — the Internet can be useful for connecting with other worshipers and hearing their stories, but it isn’t a good source for nonbiased factual information. I recommend starting with academic sources written by secular experts for a purely historical account that won’t be colored by personal religious experience. Once you have a decent understanding of the basic historical context, look for books by pagan authors who have experience working with this deity. These sources will give you a framework for your own interactions with them.
Reciprocity. As we’ve discussed before, reciprocity is a core value of virtually every pagan tradition. Reciprocity is a mutual positive exchange where all parties benefit in some way, and this quality forms the backbone of all healthy relationships with deity. While we benefit from connecting with the gods, the gods also benefit from our worship. Upholding reciprocity in your relationships with deity means making regular offerings to show your appreciation as well as living in a way that your god or goddess approves of.
Relationship. At the end of the day, connecting with a god or goddess is about creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Like any relationship, it takes time and effort to keep the connection alive. The gods are living, thinking, feeling beings just like you and me, though on a much larger scale. Just like you and me, they have likes and dislikes and require certain things from those who want to work closely with them. Try to approach the gods as individuals, and connect with them as you would with another person. This will naturally lead to much more authentic and organic relationships.
Receptivity. To be receptive is to be open and ready to receive whatever comes your way — this is an essential quality for anyone who is serious about connecting with a god or goddess. Connecting with the gods means allowing them a place in your life, whatever they choose to bring with them. It means forming a relationship with them on their terms, and that requires us to give up a certain degree of control. While you should never feel afraid or completely out of control when connecting with deity (if you do, stop contacting that deity immediately), you may very well experience things you did not expect or ask for. Be prepared for these surprises, and understand that when the gods surprise us in this way, they do it in order to help us grow. Let go of any preconceived ideas about what a relationship with this deity “should” look like, and instead let it unfold naturally.
Though there is much more to working with deity than just these values, keeping these values in mind will get you started out on the right foot in your relationships with the gods.
Deity or Archetype?
As odd as it may sound, not everyone who connects with the gods through study and ritual believes those gods to be literal spiritual beings. Some pagans (I would even say the majority of pagans, based on my personal experience) connect with the gods as individuals with their own personalities and agency, but others connect with them as symbols that represent different elements of the human experience. This latter group is working with the gods not as deity, but as archetypes.
The term “archetype” comes from academia, particularly the fields of psychology and literary analysis. An archetype is a symbol that embodies the fundamental characteristics of a person, thing, or experience.
Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung argued that archetypes are powerful symbols within the collective unconscious (basically an ancestral memory shared by all of humanity) that arise due to shared experiences across cultures. For example, Jung would argue that Demeter, Juno, and Frigg all represent the “Mother” archetype filtered through different cultural lenses, reflecting the important role of mothers across Greek, Roman, and Old Norse culture. For Jung and his followers, archetypes allow us to connect to latent parts of our own psyche — by connecting with the Mother archetype, for example, you can develop motherly qualities like patience, empathy, and nurturing.
For comparative mythology expert Joseph Campbell, archetypes represented types of characters that appear in some form in most or all global mythology. In his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Campbell identified the “hero’s journey” as the archetypal narrative framework on which most stories, from ancient myths to modern films, are based. (If you’ve taken literally any high school literature class, you’re probably familiar with Campbell’s work.) Like Jung, Campbell has been hugely influential on modern pagans who choose to connect with the gods as archetypes.
Working with an archetype is a little different than working with a deity. For one thing, while archetypes may manifest as gods and goddesses, they can also manifest as fictional characters, historical figures, or abstract symbols. Let’s say you want to tap into the Warrior archetype. You could connect with this archetype by working with gods like Mars, Thor, or Heracles — but you could just as easily do so by working with superheroes like Luke Cage or Colossus, literary figures like Ajax or Achilles, or the abstract concepts of strength and honor.
When pagans worship a deity, it’s because they want to form a relationship with that deity for some reason. But when pagans work with an archetype, it’s usually because they want to embody aspects of that archetype. In our above example, you may be trying to connect to the Warrior archetype to gain confidence or become more assertive.
The biggest difference between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype is that a deity is an external force, while an archetype is an internal force. When you connect with a deity, you are connecting with a spiritual being outside of yourself — a being with their own thoughts, feelings, and drives. When you connect with an archetype, you are connecting with a part of your own psyche. Because of this, archetypes tend to be more easily defined and behave in more predictable ways than deities, although some archetypes can be very complex and multi-faceted.
On the surface, worship and archetype work might be very similar, but the “why” behind the action is fundamentally different.
If you choose to worship the Morrigan, for example, you may have an altar dedicated to her, make regular offerings to her, speak with her in meditations and astral journeys, and/or write poetry or make art in her honor. If you choose to work with the Wild Woman archetype, it may look very similar to an outside observer — you may have an altar dedicated to the Wild Woman energy, speak with manifestations of Wild Woman (perhaps including the Morrigan) in meditation, and write poetry or make art dedicated to this archetype. However, these actions will have a very different intent behind them. Your Wild Woman altar is not a sacred space but a visual trigger to help you connect to the Wild Woman within you. Your meditations are conversations with different aspects of your own personality, not with a separate being. Your art is an expression of self, not a devotional act. The result is a deeper connection to yourself, not a relationship with another being.
I hope I’ve made it clear that archetype work and deity worship can both be very worthwhile spiritual practices, and that each serves its own purpose. Many pagans, myself included, work with both deities and archetypes.
There is some overlap between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype, and many pagans start out with one practice before eventually ending up in the other. Sometimes working with an archetype leads you to encounter a deity who embodies that archetype, which can lead to a relationship with that deity. Likewise, your relationship with a deity may help you become aware of a certain archetype’s influence in your life, which might lead you to work with that archetype.
Making First Contact
First impressions are important. This is true for making new friends, for job interviews, for first dates — and for your first meeting with a god or goddess. In many cases, the way you behave in your first meeting with a deity will set the tone for your relationship with them.
That being said, don’t overthink (or over-stress) about your first impression. You aren’t going to be cursed or punished if you mess this up — at the very worst, the deity might lose interest in connecting with you, and even that can often be remedied with an offering and a polite apology. While it’s always best to get off on the right foot, don’t feel like you need to be perfect.
So, how do you make a good first impression on a god or goddess? Honestly, the rules are largely the same for making a good first impression on any other person. Make sure your physical appearance is clean and tidy — some systems, such as Hellenismos and Kemetic paganism, have special rules for cleansing before contacting the gods, but it’s always a good idea to take a shower first and make sure you’re wearing clean clothes. Likewise, make sure the physical space you invite the gods into is relatively clean — it doesn’t need to be spotless, but take a minute to tidy up before beginning any ritual. Be polite — there’s no need to be overly formal, but you should be respectful. Don’t immediately ask for favors — how would you feel if you met someone at a party and they immediately asked you to do some sort of work for them?
Beyond the basics, it’s wise to make sure you have an idea of who this god is and what they are like before you reach out to them. This will keep you from accidentally doing something offensive. For example, you wouldn’t want to invite them to an altar dedicated to a deity they have a rivalry with. Likewise, you want to avoid offering food or drink that would have been taboo in their original worship. (Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but when you’re just starting out it’s a good idea to follow the historical framework as closely as possible.)
At the risk of sounding like a broken record: this is why research is so important. Knowing who you are dealing with allows you to deal with them respectfully, gracefully, and competently.
Callings
There’s one aspect of deity worship that is controversial in modern paganism: the idea of being “called” by a deity. This is a question you’ll find many, many heated discussions about online. Do you need to be called by a deity to form a relationship with them? Do deities choose their followers, or do we choose them? How do you know what a call from a deity even looks like?
As I said, this is a controversial topic, but I firmly believe that 1.) you do not have to feel called to a deity beyond being interested in them, and 2.) feeling drawn to a deity’s image, symbols, and myths is a form of calling.
Many pagans do feel like they were called or drawn to the deities they walk most closely with. They may have encountered myths of that deity as a child or teenager and deeply resonated with them, or may have always had an affinity for that god’s sacred animals. They may have dreamed of this deity before knowing who they were, or may have felt a spiritual presence around them before identifying it as a god or goddess.
Many people first encounter the gods in fiction, only for this fictionalized depiction to spark a deeper connection that eventually leads to worship. In the modern era, it’s entirely possible for someone who worships Loki to have first encountered him (or at least a character loosely based on him) in Marvel comics and films, or for someone who worships the Greek pantheon to have first discovered them through the Percy Jackson books. As far as I’m concerned, this is also a valid “call” from deity. The gods are very good at communicating with us through the means available — including fiction.
That being said, just because you don’t already feel a strong connection to a god or goddess doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t worship them. The connection will come with time and effort, just like in any relationship.
Dedication, Patrons, and Matrons
In online spaces such as Tumblr and TikTok, a lot of inexperienced pagans parrot the idea that every pagan needs to have a designated matron and/or patron god and/or needs to be formally dedicated to a god in order to have a close relationship with them. Not only is this untrue, but such restrictions can actually cause harm and/or stunt spiritual growth.
Let’s address dedication first. To be dedicated to a deity means to outwardly declare yourself a servant of that deity, usually with a formal dedication ritual — think of it as the pagan version of joining a convent or going to seminary. It is an outward expression of your devotion and loyalty to that deity. Dedicants are held to a higher standard than the average worshiper by themselves, their communities, and the god(s) they have dedicated to.
Dedication can be a powerful and fulfilling spiritual experience (it’s the backbone of many peoples’ spiritual practice), but it should not be taken lightly. Dedicating yourself to a god or goddess should be a sign of your commitment to them and a deepening of your relationship — it should not be the beginning of that relationship.
Dedication is a lot like marriage. Just like you wouldn’t marry someone you’ve only been on a handful of dates with, you shouldn’t dedicate to a deity just because you’ve had one or two positive experiences with them. Like marriages, dedication can be difficult to get out of — ending your dedication to a deity is possible, but it’s a messy, complicated, uncomfortable process that is sure to shift the foundation of your entire spiritual practice, and not always for the better.
My advice to new and inexperienced pagans is not to even consider dedication until you’ve been practicing for several years. As you begin your journey, your focus should be on exploring your options, forming meaningful connections, and developing a practice that works for you and your unique spiritual needs. Now is the time for experimentation, not lifelong commitments.
But let’s say you are an experienced pagan, and you feel like you are ready for dedication. How do you know if you should dedicate to a given god or goddess?
Dedication may be the logical next step in your relationship with a deity if:
This deity has been an active part of your spiritual practice for at least 2-3 years, with no major gaps in contact with them
You are comfortable upholding this deity’s values for the rest of your life — and are willing to face consequences if you fail to do so
You are willing to dedicate a significant amount of time and effort to the service of this deity
You are willing to face major changes in your life outside your spiritual practice — dedicating to a deity often leads to major shifts that may affect our career, family, and/or relationships
If you answered “yes” to all of the above, dedication may be appropriate. This may seem overly cautious, but remember that dedicating to a deity is a serious, lifelong commitment akin to joining the clergy. For context, it takes at least five years of study and practice to become a Catholic priest, a similar amount of time to become a Jewish rabbi, and three years to become a high priest/ess in Traditional Wicca. If you don’t have the patience to maintain a relationship for a few years before dedication, that is probably a good indicator that dedication isn’t for you.
If you are dedicated to a deity or are planning to dedicate, you may actually choose to attend seminary or receive some other formal religious training. This training will help you to better serve your deity in a public capacity, as you will learn skills like religious counselling, leading ritual, and building community. If your program of study includes ordination, it will also allow you to perform legally binding religious rituals like marriage ceremonies. Depending on your path, attending seminary or training may be your act of formal dedication.
Finally, let me make it clear that dedication does not make you a better pagan than someone who is not dedicated. The choice to dedicate or not dedicate is only one element of your spiritual practice, and it is possible to have a fulfilling and life-affirming practice without dedication. Some of the people who do the most work in the service of the gods are not dedicated to them. You may be one of these people, and that is totally okay.
Patron/matron relationships are a specific type of dedication.
The concept of patron deities comes from Wicca and related neopagan religions. As we’ve previously discussed, Wicca is a duotheistic system with a God and Goddess, whose union is the source of all creation. However, because Wiccans believe that all gods are manifestations of the God and all goddesses are manifestations of the Goddess, some covens choose to work with the God and Goddess in the form of other deities (say, for example, Osiris and Isis), which are referred to as the coven’s “patron” and “matron” deities. In these covens, initiation into the coven’s mysteries (traditionally in the form of first, second, and third degree initiations) typically acts as a form of dedication to these deities.
As Eclectic Wicca has gained popularity in the last few decades, there has been a growing trend of individual Wiccans and eclectic pagans choosing personal patron and/or matron deities. Some Wiccans will have a single god or goddess they are dedicated to, while others feel that it is very important to be dedicated to exactly one masculine deity and exactly one feminine deity. This second model is the one I see most often in online pagan spaces, especially Tumblr and TikTok.
The patron/matron model can be useful for some pagans, but it is not one-size-fits-all. As I mentioned, this model of dedication comes from Wicca, and is a very modern concept. In ancient pagan religions, most people would not have been dedicated in this way. That does not mean that this isn’t a valid form of worship (it absolutely is), but it does mean that those who practice reconstructionist paths may not be inclined to interact with deity this way.
The guidelines for patron/matron relationships are similar to the guidelines for dedication in general, but these relationships often (but not always) have a more parental nature. For some people, having a divine mother and/or father figure is ideal — especially for those who are healing from parental trauma or abuse. If you feel drawn to this type of deity relationship, I encourage you to explore it.
On the other hand, you may not have any interest in the patron/matron model, and that’s totally fine! It’s called polytheism for a reason — if you prefer to maintain less formal relationships with many gods, you should feel free to do so.
I hope this post has helped clarify some of the murkier aspects of polytheism and deity work. Obviously, this is only the tip of the iceberg — I could write a book about this topic and many, many authors already have. However, I think the information here is enough to get you started, and I hope that it will provide a first step on your journey with your gods.
Resources:
Wicca for Beginners by Thea Sabin
A Witches’ Bible by Janet and Stewart Farrar
The Spiral Dance by Starhawk
Where the Hawthorn Grows by Morgan Daimler
The Way of Fire and Ice by Ryan Smith
Jessi Huntenburg (YouTuber), “Dancing with Deity | Discovering Gods, Goddesses, and Archetypes,” “Archetype, Deity, and Inviting Transpersonal Experience,” and “10 Ways to Bond with Deity”
Kelly-Ann Maddox (YouTuber), “How to Have Deep Connections with Deities”
#paganism 101#paganism#deity work#dedication#devotional witchcraft#devotional#eclectic pagan#wicca#wiccan#pagan#baby pagan#baby witch#witchblr#witch#witchcraft#religion#theology#goddess#patron god#matron goddess#spiritual#polytheism#witchtok
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We're at AU since 504, and I'll prove it to you.
So, Riverdale is a comic.
No not like this.
RIVERDALE is a COMIC.
This is how this article began a day ago, when I tried to develop a theory about season 5 and try to explain the absurdity of everything that we have seen on the show lately. But Riverdale is really a comic, in which anything can happen, including events that take us to an alternate universe.
So, the main secret of the season 5 is not mixing ships, it's not about TBK, not about Moth Men, not about TRAUMA™. The main secret of the season 5 is: "What the hell is going on here?"
Does RAS like predictions? Jughead in 417 literally says, "In what future are we not together?" Thus, launching this universe, in which we find ourselves since 504. And there is an explanation for all this, oddly enough.
Honestly, I think that the absurdity of 518 helped me a lot. I realized that all the ship's nonsense of the season is a red herring. I calmed down, exhaled, moved a little further and looked at the whole picture.
For convenience in the future, I will call the events of the first four seasons as RD01, and season 5 since 504 as RD AU. So, everything that happened in RD01 also happened in RD AU, but in a different way. And something may not have happened at all. This is where all the inconsistencies with the plot of the first four seasons come from.
1. The writers are not lazy, they don't forget what happened 5 episodes ago. RAS simply deceived everyone by taking a very risky step. All of the plots that take place in Season 5 have a backstory that we don't know anything about. Except for certain plots that are taken out of the context of the first four seasons. But the difference is that all these plots that happened in RD01 went completely differently here in RD AU.
2. The episode of Citizen Lodge has the most direct evidence for the existence of RD AU. Because if this episode hadn't happened, it would have been hard to guess RD AU. It would be impossible to connect the dots. Citizen Lodge is the key to unlocking the mystery of Season 5 of Riverdale.
The Midnight Club takes place in 1992, but Citizen Lodge takes place in 1988. Although these are the same characters, in the same age range. But at Citizen Lodge we were shown newborn Veronica, because Hermosa never existed here. In RD01, the Lodges have a family rum business, RD AU Lodges are shoe shiners not originally living in Riverdale. The events of both episodes contradict each other, because they took place in different universes. This is not a fault of the writers, this is a deliberate hint. This whole new RD AU universe exists several years earlier than RD 01.
Small addition. In 516 it is indicated that Hermosa exists in the RD AU. But maybe she is younger than Veronica.
3. The last time a clear timeline is set is 503, when Jughead sits in Pop's a year after graduation. And when he walks out the door, he says that the next time he saw his friends was six years later. But we haven't seen that yet. Because that's where RD01 ends.
When 504 starts, nowhere is it stated how many years have passed. The first timeline is set by Veronica Lodge. "It's 2021". And this is the very first clue that we are in the middle of RD AU.
4. When Season 5 was announced, RAS said it would be a 5 year time jump. But by the start of the season, it turned into 7 years. And there is still no error. In RD01, after Bughead says goodbye on the porch, their next meeting actually happens in seven years. But we haven't seen it yet.
RD AU probably takes place five years after core four graduated from high school. And this is confirmed by Bughead's conversation in the bunker when Betty asks Jughead why he's bringing up a conflict five years ago. Which by the way does not negate the fact that voicemail happened only two years ago. Because it is the aftermath of a terrible five-year conflict that ended Bughead's relationship in RD AU. Do you seriously agree that kissing was a terrible thing to do? Probably something worse happened at RD AU.
5. On the chest of Archie RD AU there is no scar after his meeting with the bear, so this did not happen in this universe. We've been shown Archie's breasts so many times this season but we never really noticed!
6. Tom Keller and Sierra McCoy do not appear to be married in RD AU, although they literally fought the Gargoyle King for their relationship.
7. I believe that the RD AU timeline is shifted 4-5 years back relative to RD01. As confirmed by Bughead's bunker conversation and the events at Citizen Lodge. And this explains why RD AU is now in 2021, and not 2027, as it should be in RD01.
8. I watched season 5 very casually and hardly saw more than 1/3. So I need you to help me collect more evidence for the existence of RD AU. For every plot, event and conversation, you need to apply an AU theory filter. And I can promise you, every piece will find its place in the puzzle.
By the way, differences can be not only in plots and dialogues, but also physical in the appearance of characters and interiors.
I'm sure that Veronica's question to Archie, where he sees himself in five years, was also not accidental. But I no longer have the strength to develop this and build it in the context of RD AU. Especially because I don't know much about their relationship history. I trust you to figure it out.
And I wouldn't be at all surprised if Season 5 of Riverdale is still Jughead's book from RD 01, called Rivervale.
Will we get the RD AU backstory in Season 6? To be honest, I'm not sure if we need it.
Is Polly still alive in RD01?
Could Alice's hallucination at 518 be AU on AU? That is, literally being RD01 inside RD AU. Because these scenes were, it seems, the most "normal" in the whole episode. Follow up on this idea. Or we can just wait for season 6 special.
It does not matter at all which ships the RD AU will end with. It does not matter. Because season 5 and season 6 special is not about ships.
Maybe season 6 special is when RD01 and RD AU mix. Well, let's see, it's not long to wait.
Is there a chance RD AU will end on episode 100? Perhaps.
Please give this season and finale a chance. I am currently re-watching individual episodes to find confirmation of my AU theory, and now season 5 makes sense! Check it out for yourself. I'm sure there will be a TBK mystery in the final episode next week that will make my whole AU theory obvious. But I will write about this separately right after this post.
Looking back now, I think the flurry of spoilers ahead of 518 is literally when RAS went crazy. Because we're incredibly dumb and didn't want to see obvious clues in the narrative.
I will never pull this stone out alone. So, my young archaeologists, arm yourself with hammers and brooms, and help me bring this treasure to the surface completely.
I want to say THANK YOU to Bughead fandom. Because you are amazing. Because you are building theories, you are guessing, you are thinking. Because you spin every situation, you question every plot that happened on the show. And I am overwhelmed with complacency, because the uncovering of the main secret of Season 5 came from the Bughead community. After all, who else besides Bughead can uncover Riverdale's secrets?
And thanks to those who first brought up AU in Riverdale. Because only thanks to this theory, I was able to pull the thread and untangle the whole ball.
It's so liberating. It’s like someone has suddenly turned on the lights in the dark room we’ve been in since the beginning of Season 5.
#riverdale season 5#riverdale s5#riverdale spoilers#riverdale speculation#ras genius#riverdale au#bughead#varchie#choni#barchie#veggie#jabitha
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Sansa Stark is a lesbian and here’s why:
So, in honor of sapphicsansafest, I’m making a meta master post about why I believe Sansa is a lesbian. This will include a few quotes and I’m going to separate it into a few sections.
Sansa’s descriptions of other women:
“The queen was drinking heavily, but the wine only seemed to make her more beautiful; her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes had a bright, feverish heat to them as she looked down over the hall. Eyes of wildfire, Sansa thought.”
Even when Sansa hates Cersei, her descriptions of her are always focused around her beauty. The way she describes her eyes and cheeks is also similar to the way the men that are attracted to Cersei describe her.
“Twenty mules awaited them within the waycastle, along with two mule-walkers and the Lady Myranda Royce. Lord Nestor’s daughter proved to be a short, fleshy woman, of an age with Mya Stone, but where Mya was slim and sinewy, Myranda was soft-bodied and sweet-smelling, broad of hip, thick of waist, and extremely buxom. Her thick chestnut curls framed round red cheeks, a small mouth, and a pair of lively brown eyes.”
Similarly, her description of Myranda is very focused around her looks and specific details like her being “sweet smelling” and “extremely buxom” seem to point towards Sansa being attracted to Margaery. Once again Sansa’s descriptions of women mimic the way straight men describe them. Sansa’s interactions with Myranda are something I'll comment on later.
“Sansa had never been this close to the Dornishwoman before. She is not truly beautiful, she thought, but something about her draws the eye.”
Her description of Ellaria is also interesting as it helps show that the way Sansa thinks about women isn’t solely an aesthetic appreciation. She also enjoys the way unconventionally attractive women look.
“Slim and sinewy, Mya looked as tough as the old riding leathers she wore beneath her silvery ringmail shirt. Her hair was black as a raven's wing, so short and shaggy that Alayne suspected that she cut it with a dagger. Mya's eyes were her best feature, big and blue. She could be pretty, if she would dress up like a girl. Alayne found herself wondering whether Ser Lothor liked her best in her iron and leather, or dreamed of her gowned in lace and silk.”
This might be the best example of Sansa’s attraction to women. She once again thinks about the beauty of a woman who isn’t conventionally attractive and she even comments on her eyes. She then contextualizes her attraction by convincing herself that she’s thinking from a man’s perspective. In reality though she’s thinking about how Mya looks her best to her and is unable to really think of that because it's not considered proper.
“When Margaery Tyrell smiled, she looked very like her brother Loras.”
This one is pretty self explanatory. She thinks of how lovely Margaery looks repeatedly and when Margaery is admirable and happy, she once again contextualizes her attraction by bringing a man into the picture.
My thoughts on her “crushes” on men:
Now, her 3 real crushes in the books are Joffrey Baratheon, Loras Tyrell, and Waymar Royce. They all follow a very similar template. Men straight out of the songs and stories that Sansa loves.
“Sansa did not really know Joffrey yet, but she was already in love with him. He was all she ever dreamt her prince should be, tall and handsome and strong, with hair like gold.”
And
“Joffrey smiled and kissed her hand, handsome and gallant as any prince in the songs.”
Joffrey is someone Sansa likes because he’s the prince out of songs, the idealized prince in the stories. And Sansa loves songs and stories so she thinks she loves Joffrey. When she comments on Joffrey’s beauty, it’s almost always in the context of songs or stories. He’s also the easiest crush, her betrothed who she has to learn to love.
“Ser Gregor was the monster and Ser Loras the true hero who would slay him. He even looked a true hero, so slim and beautiful, with golden roses around his slender waist and his rich brown hair tumbling down into his eyes.”
And
“Wed to Ser Loras, oh . . . Sansa's breath caught in her throat. She remembered Ser Loras in his sparkling sapphire armor, tossing her a rose. Ser Loras in white silk, so pure, innocent, beautiful.”
Loras is also an ideal out of the songs. Sansa says it herself. He’s the hero she wants. She always thinks of him in that context. It makes sense that she crushes on him. He’s a safe easy crush. It’s like the asoiaf equivalent of crushing on some guy in a boyband.
Sansa’s interactions with Margaery
“You will love Highgarden as I do, I know it.” Margaery brushed back a loose strand of Sansa’s hair. “Once you see it, you’ll never want to leave. And perhaps you won’t have to.”
The way Margaery tries to appeal to Sansa and talk to her almost echoes a flirtation. Pushing a strand of hair behind someone’s ear is a textbook romantic move. And the persuasion relies on Sansa liking Margaery and is all about finding love.
“”Margaery’s kindness had been unfailing, and her presence changed everything.”
The way Sansa thinks of Margaery is quite striking and loving. It is as though Margaery was this big important force in Sansa’s life.
“Margaery was different, though. Sweet and gentle, yet there was a little of her grandmother in her, too. The day before last she’d taken Sansa hawking.”
Sansa also goes on what pretty much amounts to dates with Margaery. And the sentiment of Margaery being different is very similar to Arya’s thoughts on Gendry: “Only Gendry was different” and their relationship is often considered to have romantic undertones. It’s also interesting that gentle is used to describe Margaery when that is one of the words Ned used to describe Sansa’s future romance.
“She is so brave, Sansa thought, galloping after her.”
Sansa clearly admires Margaery immensely and her thoughts are always complimentary. She clearly crushes on her.
Sansa’s interactions with Myranda:
And you must be the Lord Protector’s daughter,” she added, as the bucket went rattling back up to the Eyrie. “I had heard that you were beautiful. I see that it is true.”
Alayne curtsied. “My lady is kind to say so.”
“Kind?” The older girl gave a laugh. “How boring that would be. I aspire to be wicked. You must tell me all your secrets on the ride down. May I call you Alayne?”
The complimenting of Sansa’s beauty is another common trope in flirtation. And the way she interacts is very sexual and ostentatious. It’s flirty. And asking to call someone by their first name is also a romantic trope.
“Randa. It seems a hundred years since I was four-and-ten. How innocent I was. Are you still innocent, Alayne?”
She blushed. “You should not ... yes, of course.”
Sansa is nervous around Myranda in a way she’s not around men. She even blushes. Myranda is also directly questioning Sansa about her sexual experience.
“Despite herself, Alayne found herself warming to the older girl.”
She starts developing a crush.
“She is trying to make me blush again.
Lady Myranda must have heard her thoughts. “You do turn such a pretty shade of pink. When I blush I look quite like an apple. I have not blushed for years, though.” She leaned closer.”
Once again, this is super flirty and seductive. She’s complimenting Sansa on her blush and implying her own experience. This whole conversation is ripe with that stuff.
“She ate with Mya and Myranda. “So you’re brave as well as beautiful,” Myranda said to her.
“No.” The compliment made her blush. “I’m not. I was so scared. I don’t think I could have crossed without Lord Robert.”
Once again Sansa blushes at Myranda’s comments.
“By the time they finally reached her father’s castle, Lady Myranda was drowsing too, and Alayne was dreaming of her bed.”
This is some interesting word play. It might not be intentional but ships like Braime have similar lines.
And a few miscellaneous/bonus things:
“Septa Mordane said all men are beautiful, find his beauty, try.”
This is how Sansa thinks about Tyrion. She’s a child forcibly married to him so she’d probably judge him harshly regardless but this phrasing struck me. It’s very similar to the way lgbtq people are often told to try to love another gender even if they cannot. And the way Septa Mordane taught Sansa about attraction and gender obviously has a huge influence on her perception of her own sexuality.
“When a serving girl brought her supper, she almost kissed her.”
And this is Sansa thinking about kissing a girl.
“I am coming for you, Lady Sansa, she thought as she rode into the darkness. Be not afraid. I shall not rest until I've found you.”
The fact that the true knight Sansa wishes for, the hero out of the stories, the romantic trope is Brienne, a woman, has some awesome queer implications. Even if her relationship with Brienne isn’t really a romantic one, it certainly fits the idea of courtly love.
#asoiaf#sansa stark#lesbian Sansa Stark#sapphicsansafest#sansasource#sansaery#Sansa x Myranda#Sansa x Mya#asoiaf meta#my meta
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What do you think are the good and bad aspects of each season of ST?
ok 1. thank u for this question omg and 2. this answer may or may not be a mess, but either way it’s long (almost 7k words lmao) bc i’m insane, which is why it’s under a cut. it’s still by no means an exhaustive list but these are the things that just kinda came to mind.
also i realize you asked “good and bad” and i wrote this whole post as “strengths and weaknesses” which um. is not Exactly what you asked. but close enough <3 i also ended up including a lot of au ideas ksjdckmn bc like i personally hate when people say a certain plot or whatever was bad without suggesting anything that could have improved it yknow so whenever possible i tried to provide Some idea for fixing the issues i had with the show!!
season 1
strengths (this is probably gonna be the longest section but that’s because a lot of these strengths also apply to s2/s3 by default)
nostalgia and authenticity
this one’s pretty simple, but i think that season one did a good job of blending classic eighties media homages (such as the many many e.t./el parallels) with explicit pop culture references (such as mike’s yoda impression, mentions of the x-men, etc) to create a show that’s essentially dripping in early eighties nostalgia without it feeling too forced. before st, i think the most popular depiction of the eighties in mainstream media was that overly exaggerated neon scrunchie aesthetic from the mid to late eighties, and it was usually done in a comedic sense first and foremost. st took a different approach, instead focusing on the early eighties, a time that’s often ignored in favor of going either Full Seventies or Full Eighties, and i think that this choice likely resonated with adults who lived through the eighties and hadn’t yet seen something that felt quite so accurate to their own adolescence. a lot of young people who watched st were totally unfamiliar with this period of time, unfamiliar with books/movies like “stand by me” that st borrows from heavily, and i think st lent more seriousness to the eighties than most young people had experienced so far, and this was refreshing and interesting!
the use of dnd in the show is also quite genius in a way i’m not sure i can articulate?? it isn’t something Everyone would have played at the time, but it’s something that existed within a different context back in the eighties than it does today, and it really lent a sort of authenticity to the naming of the show’s sci-fi elements. like, of course these kids would name parallel dimensions and monsters and superpowers after these similar things in their favorite game! it just feels so real and it grounds st in our reality moreso than you might expect from the typical sci-fi or horror universe.
utilization of existing tropes
almost every single character in st clearly originates from some popular trope. the plot itself is riddled with classic eighties movie tropes. almost every single element of stranger things can be clearly traced back to some iconic eighties film or just to, like, overused horror/sci-fi/mystery/coming-of-age movie tropes in general. this might sound like a bad thing, but it really works in st’s favor! starting off with familiar tropes gives st the ability to easily create a lot of complexity and make a big impact by selectively deviating from those familiar, comfortable tropes!! while el’s whole plot, hopper’s character, etc, are all examples of this in action, i think the steve/nancy/jonathan plot is the greatest example. even from the start, the fact that good girl barb dies while nancy is off having sex with her asshole boyfriend is an incredibly thorough inversion of the most well-known horror movie trope in the book. how often do girls in horror movies have sex for the first time, walk home alone in the dark of night, and live to tell the tale? nancy and jonathan’s dynamic at first glance is a sort of classic “good girl meets boy from the wrong side of the tracks, discovers he’s actually got a heart of gold” thing, but instead of following this well-trodden path, st diverged. nancy is brash, impulsive, and at times downright insensitive. jonathan is angry, bitter, and actually a bit of a creep at first. while they have the capacity to emotionally connect and support one another, they can also bring out each other’s darker side, which is not what we’ve come to expect from that initial tropey dynamic.
in addition, steve, the popular rich asshole boyfriend, is actually... a human being! unlike the cartoonishly evil jocks that we’ve come to expect (especially from eighties movies), steve has complexity. despite his initial immaturity and selfishness, he’s also kind to barb, he backs off when nancy says no, he’s gentle and sweet when they sleep together, his first big Dick Move of the season is in defense of nancy, he realizes the error of his ways after the fight and does what he can to fix it, he’s worried about nancy when he sees that she’s hurt at jonathan’s house, and to top it all off, he ends up saving both nancy and jonathan’s lives when he could have just walked away, and the three of them all work together to fight the demogorgon. like... steve began as the most stereotypical character of all time, and by the end of the season, he had one of the most compelling and unique arcs among the whole cast!
finally, at the very end of the season, instead of dumping steve for jonathan as expected, nancy ends up getting back together with steve, and they’re both on friendly terms with jonathan. i realize that i just kinda. summarized s1. but my POINT is that i don’t think the dynamics between the monster hunting trio would be nearly as fun and interesting had the characters of nancy, steve, and jonathan not been set up to follow certain paths that we already had charted in our own heads. like, within the first couple episodes of s1, it’s pretty obvious that nancy and steve are gonna break up, nancy will get with jonathan, and steve will either die or go full evil or just never be seen again. like, duh! you’ve seen this story a million times! you know that’s how it’s gonna go! so, when the story DOESN’T go that way, the impact of each character’s arc and the relationship dynamics become stronger due to their unexpected complexity and authenticity.
distinct plotlines separated by age group
this one’s rather obvious, but the way that the adults in s1 were essentially in a conspiracy thriller while the teens were in a horror flick and the kids were in a sci fi power-of-friendship story and all three converged at the end... wow. brilliant showstopping etc. not only was it just really well done and unique, it also gave stranger things near-universal appeal. like, there’s genuinely something for pretty much everyone in season one!
casting
obviously this applies to every season sorta by default, but when i think about what made season one So successful, i always think about the cast, and not just winona ryder. yes, she’s absolutely amazing in the show and it’s very doubtful that st would be as big as it is today without her name being attached to it from the start!! however, i think the greatest determining factor in st’s success is the casting of the kids, particularly millie bobby brown. like... el is just absolutely incredible. she’s amazing. this has all been said many times before so i won’t harp on it, but millie and the other kids are all So talented and charismatic and i think their casting has been instrumental to the show’s success.
strong visuals
the way that multicolored christmas lights which have been around for decades are now kinda like. a Stranger Things thing. jesus christ. those lights are probably the biggest stroke of stylistic genius on the show.
atmosphere and setting
this is probably like. the least important one here for me sdjncdsc because i think s2 and s3 both had like Even Better atmospheres and shit but s1 was good too and it laid the groundwork!! i know a lot of people would have preferred st be set somewhere more Spooky with lots of fog or giant forests or whatnot, and while i do enjoy thinking about alternate st settings and how they might alter the vibe, i think hawkins indiana was a good choice. as the duffers have said, placing stranger things in a fictional town allows them more flexibility than if they’d gone with their original plan of using montauk, new york. besides that, i think the plainness and like... flatness... of small-town indiana just Works. like, the fact that hawkins is never really scary on the surface is a big part of the horror in the lab’s actions and their impact. hawkins isn’t somewhere that people just disappear all the time. it isn’t somewhere known for strange occurrences (prior to s1, that is). it isn’t somewhere shrouded in mist and secrecy. hawkins on its surface seems like the sort of place with no secrets and nothing to fear, and that’s the point! the lab is out in the open! it’s right there! everything is so close to the surface, yet so far out of the public eye, and i think that really works.
the byers family’s whole deal (specifically the joyce/jonathan dynamic)
this is going here bc i miss it so bad in s2 and s3. i’m not one of those people who believe The Byers Are The Whole Point of the show, because st is and always has been an ensemble, and el, hopper, and the wheelers are just as instrumental to the plot as the byers, but ANYWAY, i do think the byers were one of the most interesting aspects of s1. joyce’s difficulties with supporting her sons as a poor and (implied mentally ill) single mother, jonathan’s stress as a result of having to earn money, care for his brother, and keep the house in order when his mother is unable to do so, and the resulting tension between them when will’s disappearance and supposed “death” brings the situation to a tipping point? holy shit! it’s so good! that argument after they see will’s “body” is just incredible and gut-wrenching. their relationship feels so real and messy and i think it’s just... good. also winona ryder REALLY acted her heart out and she carried a lot of s1 which i think people often forget to mention so i’m saying it here.
weaknesses
pacing/timing
ok so pacing is probably going to go in each season’s weaknesses, to be honest, because i think they all had a blend of some good and some bad pacing. good pacing is invisible pacing, though, so i probably won’t be putting it in any of the strengths sections and will only be focusing on it in the weaknesses. i’m also probably not going to talk about weird day/night cycle things, just because i don’t want to get nitpicky on timelines because that would require going back and rewatching things to double check timing which i don’t wanna do at the moment lmao. anyway, when i think of bad pacing in season one, i primarily think of two things: nancy’s little trip into the upside down and subsequent sleepover with jonathan, and the sort of staggered nature of the climax in the final episode. the latter is simple so i’ll explain it first: while i understand that each group’s respective climax is like part of a chain reaction and that’s why each big moment happens separately and at different times, i think that st is strongest when the whole group is together, and i think that makes the stakes feel higher too, so i’m not In Love with the way s1 separated everyone and gave each group their own climax.
okay, now on to the nancy/upside down thing! idk if i’ve ever talked about it before, but i think the worst decision made in s1 by far is the inclusion of nancy’s brief trip into the upside down, wherein she dives headfirst into another dimension with absolutely no backup, watches the demogorgon chow down, freaks out and runs around for a minute, and then leaves. like... what the fuck? even putting aside what an idiotic decision this was (because i do think nancy’s tendency to rush into things headfirst is an intentional and consistent character trait), it just kind of destroys any remaining suspense surrounding the demogorgon and the upside down, and it accomplishes basically nothing besides scaring nancy enough to have jonathan sleep over, which is lame. i will break it down.
like, first of all, nancy just getting to waltz in and out of the upside down and get a good, long look at the demogorgon makes the entire thing far less mysterious, and by extension far less scary. like... before this scene, we the audience haven’t got a good look at the demogorgon. we’ve seen its silhouette briefly and we’ve seen a blurry picture of it, but nothing more, and i think that is far more effective at building fear than this jaunt nancy goes on which gives us a full view of the thing and makes it into less of a horrifying nightmare and into more of a humanoid animal. like, maybe this is just me, but i found the demogorgon far less intimidating after that scene than before. it also lets nancy and jonathan know For Sure that they’re right without providing any crucial information that they need to fight the demogorgon (aka it’s unnecessary to the plot), which removes a very compelling story element (the faith nancy and jonathan need to have in order to keep going against a vague and poorly understood enemy, the doubt they might have about each other and their own sanity, the possibility that they might be wrong, the trust they need to have in each other) a bit earlier in the plot than i believe is ideal. at the end of episode 5, nancy goes into the upside down and jonathan doesn’t know where she is and it’s intense!!! you’re thinking like, oh fuck, not only is nancy missing and fighting for her life now too, jonathan might be implicated in her disappearance!! some people already think he’s the one who killed will and people know that he took creepy pictures of barb and nancy before they both disappeared, maybe this is gonna cause some serious problems for him!! maybe nancy will find will in the upside down and she’ll help him survive!! fuck, maybe she’ll actually die!! this is huge!! and then episode 6 starts and they’re immediately like oh nevermind jonathan found the tree and got nancy out and she’s fine. my point with all of this is that nancy entering the upside down could have done A Lot in the grand scheme of the plot, but all it did was just... get jonathan to sleep over so he and nancy could have some awkward romance moments and steve could see them together and pick a fight. which could have honestly happened at Any point while nancy and jonathan were working together to hunt down the demogorgon, without ruining the demogorgon’s and the upside down’s mystique. so yeah <3
weird behavior and dumbass decisions that make no sense (aka the whole camera thing)
gonna go off about the teen plot again sorry but: why was nancy so unbothered and quick to forgive jonathan for taking those pictures? girl what the fuck are you doing? why wasn’t that a bigger deal? why was jonathan’s motivation for doing it so weak and why did they just kind of forget about the whole thing? why did nancy TRACK HIM DOWN AT THE FUNERAL HOME while he was PICKING OUT HIS BABY BROTHER’S CASKET to be like hey can you tell me what’s in this creepshot you took? it’s insane. it’s so insane. i mean i think the funeral home thing is hilarious and i don’t mind it being in the show necessarily but like my point here is that i think a lot of character decisions in s1 just kind of.. happened because they Needed to happen for the plot. like, they wrote this plot that required jonathan to be secretly taking pictures of the party and required him and nancy to work together after seeing something odd in the pictures, but they didn’t like... really consider what that event would mean for their characterization and relationship. the whole thing was sort of just dropped with minimal discussion and i think it did both nancy and jonathan’s characters a disservice and was really mishandled.
lighting and saturation/color grading
i am literally begging horror/sci-fi shows to let me see shit. i GET IT okay i understand that when you’re doing cgi effects it helps to keep the lights down and i’m not mad at any of the lighting in the demogorgon/upside down scenes!! i’m really not i think the demogorgon scenes in s1 all look sick!! but like... dude. the colors. where are they. why does everyone look like a vampire. i know blah blah this was probably an intentional stylistic choice intended to mimic film at the time blah blah but dude a lot of old movies are very colorful!! please just let people have color in their faces so everyone doesn’t look like a sheet of paper!!! also i’m white and not a professional lighting designer so yknow grain of salt but i think lucas was kinda poorly served by the lighting sometimes in s1. not Hugely so, not to the degree that i’ve seen poc be poorly served by lighting in other shows, but there were some times where it felt kinda like the lighting setup was just not designed with darker skin in mind.
horror
i just personally don’t find s1 very scary like... ever. i don’t think they were really Trying to be extremely scary yknow so i’m not counting this as a big deal, but i do think that each season has improved on the horror aspects. i think s1′s horror lies more in the mystery and the unknown than in what’s seen onscreen, and as i’ve said already, i think s1 kind of fumbled that suspense ball.
season 2
strengths
the possession plot
i’ll warn u rn this whole s2 strengths section is probably gonna be really short bc idk like. how much there is to really say i feel like it’s all so self-explanatory skjncmn. anyway yeah the possession plot!! eerie as fuck, and noah OWNED. so did winona tbh and finn and sean etc but like. noah. wow! i think the possession plot helped the show maintain a good amount of tension and suspense throughout the season, and a lot of scenes with possessed!will are flatout disturbing to watch. in a good way. i think the mindflayer and will’s possession were far more genuinely frightening than s1′s demogorgon, and it provided a new layer of depth and intrigue to the antagonist besides just “bad monster want eat people.”
tone and aesthetics
halloween season... literally halloween season. halloween season. that is all.
actually i will elaborate a bit and just say that i think s2 did a good job of having the sort of foreboding vibe that s1 was often going for, but without the annoying darkness and desaturation. so points for that.
also st2 is like one of the best Autumn pieces of media ever like it just. like steve and dustin on those train tracks with the fallen leaves all around them.... god. god the vibes are unparalleled. all of the halloween stuff also really contributes to the nostalgia st runs on yknow it makes you think about childhood and trick-or-treating and you kind of get transported like damn... i remember going to the rich neighborhoods to score the good candy..... idk i just think the whole thing is incredibly effective.
“babysitter” steve
by sending nancy and jonathan off together, the show created a problem: what to do with steve? this problem pushed them to create the unconventional and unexpected duo of steve and dustin, and the world is so much brighter for it. seriously though we all know steve and dustin are great i don’t need to argue that point. all i’ll add is that i think allowing steve to grow in this way, serving as a mentor figure and becoming genuine friends with someone so unexpected, really took the originality of his character to the next level. no longer content just to defy his archetype, in s2 steve begins branching out in ways that never would have been considered in s1, creating an incredibly complex and interesting person from the sort of character that most shows would have simply written out or killed off for convenience’s sake. and it works and steve and dustin are such a joy to watch and i love them. <3
the lucas/max plot
so first of all max mayfield is the most perfect baby girl on god’s green earth and idk what i would do without her but anyway. i think lumax is the best romantic relationship in the show and not just because they’re the only ones with like an age-appropriate approach to the whole thing. it’s also because their relationship accomplishes more than just putting the two of them in a relationship!! lucas and max spending time together motivates billy to do his evil shit, providing more conflict in the narrative, and it also helps establish max as part of the group in a relatively natural way while giving both her and lucas a great subplot. lucas (and dustin) has a crush on the new girl, they start spending some time together, and lucas ends up needing to decide whether he’ll keep the secret of the upside down and lose her, or risk both of their lives by telling her the truth. that’s a pretty big, character-defining decision that he gets to make!! max has to choose whether to trust this boy she barely knows and endanger herself, or to walk away and stay safe, yet another great character-defining choice that also contributes to the sense we get as an audience of max as somebody who’s incredibly lonely and desperate for love and connection. this post is way too long already and i have a ton more to say so i’ll stop now but yeah i think lumax really Works in the show without ever distracting or detracting from the overall plot and narrative in the way that some other ships (coughjancycough) often do.
balance between the normal and abnormal
s2 i think did a pretty solid job of melding daily life with more fantastical sci-fi horror elements. i enjoyed seeing so much of the kids at school in the first few episodes!! you really get a strong sense of where they’re at in life, what their daily lives are like, and you get a sort of gradual shift into madness that makes everything feel more grounded than i think it would if they had just leapt straight into the horror shit, yknow?
the el and hopper dynamic
go back and rewatch s2 and tell me that’s not one of the most moving portrayals of parenthood and trauma and growing up that you’ve ever seen. you can’t. or well you can but i won’t listen. i really can’t imagine stranger things without el and hopper’s relationship, and it’s my absolute favorite part of s2. their whole dynamic is so beautiful and complex, and gives them each amazing personal arcs in addition! the black hole scene is literally one of the show’s greatest moments of all time. any given scene between the two of them in s2 is just guaranteed to be heartwarming as well as heartbreaking, and i think that makes for an incredible show.
weaknesses
flashbacks
okay this applies to Every season they All have too many flashbacks but in s2 specifically... please stop showing me shit from season one. i watched it. i know what happened. you don’t need to spoon feed everything to me!! flashbacks can be a really helpful way of delivering information to an audience, but st has a bad habit of not only being kinda demeaning in how often they flash back to shit that the audience already knows, but they also have a bad habit of using flashbacks almost as a crutch to avoid having to deliver information subtly and naturally.
you know i gotta say it... the lost sister
this is so sad. the lost sister really is like a great concept for an st episode, and i’m not mad about the idea of st taking a break from the normal action to focus on one story for a full episode, but the execution of it was just dreadful. kali and her crew feel very over-the-top and stereotypical, and its placement in the season totally kills the tension and excitement that was built in “the spy.”
i think the lost sister honestly could have gone over far better, even with the stereotypical fake-feeling gang kali has, if they had just swapped it with “the spy” like... ok, the end of episode five has el setting off to find kali and will collapsing on the ground seizing. right? imagine if, instead of immediately following will to the lab, we’d followed el. we don’t know what’s happening with will, but it’s a very simple cliffhanger that leaves us on edge without making us feel cheated by the show cutting away. we follow el on her little journey, everything happens much the same as canon, and then at the end, el sees hopper in scrubs. she sees mike, screaming, sees that they’re both in danger. holy shit!!! what the fuck!!! what’s happened since we left will seizing on the ground??? we feel el’s fear and confusion. she decides to go home. and then... boom. “the lost sister” is over. now, we rewind, right back to will seizing on the ground, and “the spy” commences. we learn how they got into the danger that el saw in the end of “the lost sister,” and we sit on the edge of our seats all through “the spy” and “the mind flayer,” KNOWING that el is on her way back to save them but not knowing when she’ll arrive!! idk i don’t think that would have necessarily saved lost sister but i think it may have alleviated some of the issues that i and many others have with it, timing-wise.
the nancy/jonathan sidequest
once again, the idea of nancy going off on her own little mission to find justice for barb after s1 is like. amazing. genuinely i love that plot for her and i can’t imagine anything better for her to have focused on in s2. unfortunately though i think her and jonathan’s little trip to see murray was just kind of... lame. the whole thing just felt like an excuse to get the two of them alone together, yknow? which is fine i guess people contrive all sorts of situations to get characters alone together for romance reasons but in this case i think it just really doesn’t work for me because of what it’s juxtaposed with. like, will is POSSESSED, and jonathan is just off on a mini road trip and sleeping with his bestie, and jonathan never seems to communicate to joyce/will that he left town, and joyce never like... thinks to tell him that will is like sick and fucked up and they’re looking at him in the lab??? like it’s so weird i know joyce always forgets about jonathan when shit’s happening with will but jfc you’d think at some point in that like... 72-ish-hour period where jonathan was out of town she would have thought about him. like at least once. maybe i’m forgetting something and she mentioned him sometime and i missed it but even still, i hate the juxtaposition of nancy and jonathan just like cheers-ing at murray’s place and sleeping together and whatnot while everyone else is dealing with possession or trying to hunt down dart yknow? it feels really boring in comparison and i think it could have been done far better. like it was SO insanely easy for them to get into the lab and get an admission of guilt and escape with it!! i think it might have been a lot more engaging if maybe someone from the lab tailed them to murray’s place and they had to like lose the tail and race to get the recording out to as many news outlets as possible before they got caught, or something like that. the tension in their plotline is completely resolved in episode four!! episodes five and six are just them screwing around and addressing envelopes. while there were a lot of strong ideas in this plotline (i really enjoy nancy going out of her way to get justice, and the fact that they have to water down the story to make it believable), i just think the focus on nancy and jonathan getting together hindered it a lot without adding a ton to the plot or their individual characters.
season 3
strengths
starcourt mall as a setting
while i don’t think the mall was utilized quite to its full potential (something i could make a separate post about if anyone’s interested), i do think that starcourt was a genius addition to the series. i’ve said this before, but building a new mall is a literal Perfect in-universe justification for a significant leap forward in fashion and aesthetics, and it provides a great location for characters to just... be characters. idk how else to articulate this i just think that the mall is a great setting to let people interact with each other and to bring people together who may not have been otherwise (i.e. scoops troop). not to mention how sick it was to see the mall get wrecked toward the end kdjncdkm like they were able to do so much more with the mall in terms of like The Finale than they could with just the byers house or the cabin or the school or even the lab. i love all the back tunnels they run through it’s such a fun like acknowledgement of how this glitzy eighties mall is just a real place where employees get shipments and take out the trash and shit idk it’s all about the perfect facade and what’s hidden what’s underneath what’s hiding in plain sight etc etc i’m just saying words now. anyway.
willingness to experiment and go against expectations
gay robin. neon aesthetics. giant fucking meat monster. i know some people hate both the neon and the meat monster but i personally think they were kind of amazing and like. yknow regardless of personal tastes i think it’s impossible to deny that s3 had a lot of incredible visuals, and they’re all visuals that just wouldn’t have been possible if the show were too afraid to stray from its s1 aesthetic. robin being canonically gay (and her resulting friendship with steve) and the season’s striking visuals are two things that most everyone (besides like homophobes skjncdknm) can agree were great, right? and they were both departures from where the show began and what we all expected!! so yeah i think while some of the experimentation in s3 wasn’t ideal it was also that experimentation that allowed for some of the season’s strongest elements to come about.
the hospital sequence (and the season’s action/horror scenes in general)
this one is fairly self-explanatory. while they may have underutilized the “body snatching” element of the season, the hospital sequence with nancy and jonathan fighting off their possessed bosses did an amazing job of building tension and creating a genuine sense of really intense and personal danger.
in general i think that s3 melded action and horror rather well, particularly in the sauna test, the hospital, and when the mindflayer busts through the roof of hop’s cabin. horror can come from many things, and in this case, st elicited horror largely from the feeling of helplessness, and it was really effective for me personally. i think it worked better for me than s1′s brand of horror because it doesn’t rely so much on a lack of knowledge or a sense of suspense that inevitable disappears upon a second viewing.
the body horror we got in s3 was also really fun! that’s it i just think all the blood and guts and slime were fun and i would like more of them. once again, the impacts of body horror are less dependent upon the viewer being in the dark or unsure as to what’s happening, and as such i think it tends to be a little more effective at eliciting reaction in the long term.
timing and mechanics of the battle of starcourt/finale
i think the battle of starcourt is just fucking awesome, and beyond that personal opinion, i think it’s the most high-stakes and intense finale of all three seasons, and this is for two main reasons! 1. el is out of commission, and 2. (almost) everyone is in the same cental location. this means that (almost) everyone is in danger all at once, and they are all working together at the same time to fight the same threat. s1/s2 have their groups more fragmented for the finales, and while i understand why in each case and i wouldn’t call either season’s finale necessarily weak, i do think the centralized nature of the s3 finale just Works on another level. in s1 and s2, large segments of the cast are already perfectly safe by the time el dispatches the primary threat. in s3, however, everybody save for dustin and erica is still in danger up until the last moment, and el is seemingly (you can def debate how much power she still had in her when she peeked into billy’s mind and whether the memory broke the mindflayer’s hold on him or if she was actually controlling him to some degree) completely vulnerable. this increases the tension and raises the stakes, making the finale a real crescendo to fortissimo as opposed to a series of little mezzo forte moments. i hope everyone reading this knows music idk how else to phrase that my brain is stupid.
emphasis on friendship and adolescence (but in a different way than s1/2)
this is definitely a controversial one but i think that s3 really did like... show a side of friendship that had been more or less unexplored thus far in the show. el and max were amazing, and i think it’s really nice that we got an opportunity to see the kids have some growing pains as well as see them support each other through Normal Adolescent Stuff like boyfriends and breakups instead of just like. death and trauma. this is maybe just a personal preference, but i think it can be really enlightening and provide a lot of depth when you get to see how characters respond to normal everyday conflict and not just how they respond to giant world-ending conflict!! letting el use her powers for goofy teenage shit like spying on boys and messing with mean girls at the mall is not only fun for her and the audience, but it also really emphasizes just how much those powers are a part of el, making it that much more devastating when she loses them at the end of the season.
weaknesses
tonal dissonance
so this is like. obvious. but it must still be said! i won’t go on and on about it since we all know this so i’ll try to like talk about it from an angle people don’t usually? anyway. it seems to me like they were maybe a little worried about s3 being too dark. while the choice to really lean into humor was definitely driven by the sorts of eighties teen films from which s3 drew inspiration (like fast times at ridgemont high), i think it was also done in an attempt to alleviate the more troubling implications of some events in the season, particularly the russian bunker plot. like, yeah, st can be incredibly dark, but if they’d played the whole “children being stuck inside of a foreign military base, tied up, tortured, and drugged” thing completely straight without the humorous elements that exist in canon, it had the potential to be like... disturbing on a new level. steve and robin don’t have powers like el yknow their kidnapping/torture doesn’t have any sci-fi elements to sorta soften the blow. they’re just innocent teenagers being brutalized and traumatized by grown men. so anyway yeah i think maybe the writers were concerned about this storyline coming off as too dark and they wanted it to be a little more whimsical but they ended up pushing way too hard in that direction and creating extreme dissonance at times. this goes for joyce/hopper/murray/alexei too, but to a lesser extent. i think the ridiculousness in that group felt a lot more like... realistic. but still.
newspaper plot
once again i feel like i don’t even need to say this skjdncmn we all know it was insane how the show basically ended up delivering the message “while misogyny is a serious problem poverty and classism are not” and i’ve said it on this blog a million times so i don’t need to repeat myself. i’ll focus on another weak point of this plot: the fact that it completely separates nancy and jonathan from everyone else. once again, the show’s preoccupation with j/ancy held them back! like... can you imagine a version of s3 where nancy and jonathan both worked in the mall? i have a lot of ideas about this possible au and like how the plot could play out differently if they worked in the mall but first of all it’s just more realistic, second of all it further utilizes the mall as a central setting, and third of all, it would bring everyone together. as it is in canon, nancy and jonathan were unnecessarily isolated from the rest of the group, and this isolation was detrimental to both of their characters. like, they only ever get to interact with each other! if they’d gotten summer jobs in the mall, they could have had more interactions with the kids/steve/robin, and they absolutely still could have had a similar argument! maybe in this case, nancy notices the rat thing (or something else odd) herself when taking out the trash behind the mall, and she wants jonathan to ditch work with her to check it out bc she thinks it may be related to the lab. jonathan doesn’t want to ditch work because he needs his job, nancy argues that they’re working shitty mall jobs anyway and who cares if they get fired, and we get more or less the same thing as s3 without the cartoonishly over-the-top misogyny. i mean honestly i think the rat shit could have been cut entirely it didn’t rly... accomplish much of anything. in my opinion. like imagine s3 without the rat plot you literally would not be missing anything except it would be more surprising when the dudes melted into goo at the hospital. so yeah i think it would have been better if nancy and jonathan had jobs at the mall, weren’t isolated from everybody else, and were maybe absorbed into the party’s plot or the scoops troop’s plot from very early on, allowing them to interact with more characters and have a less... dumb.... plot. like god splitting up nancy and jonathan between the party/scoops troop would have been So Much better i just. sdkjcnksdmn anyway yeah.
briefness of group reunion/separation of groups
remember in s2 at the beginning of “the gate,” where mike and hopper had a confrontation and max and el met for the first time and el hugged everyone and steve and nancy had their sad little moment together outside... where’s that energy? obviously the s2 reunion wasn’t that long either, but it made space for some significant emotional moments to take place. s3′s reunion had some hopper/el/mike resolution, but besides that... there was nothing, really. i just think that the whole group getting together in s3 was SO exciting and powerful the way they did it (with both the scoops troop and the adults having their own Big Moment reconnecting with team griswold family), but the emotional potential was more or less squandered.
i also think in s3 at times they were really stretching to keep everybody separated even though it made no sense. and like... in s1 the separation worked bc nobody else knew that (x group) was experiencing weird shit too, and beyond that, each group (as i mentioned in the s1 section) was sort of operating within their own genre and bringing something unique to the season. they’ve stopped doing that though! now, the groups aren’t separate bc each plot is tonally/structurally different, the groups are just separate bc... they need to be, because it’s a big ensemble cast and you can’t just have them all be together for a whole season or it would be way too difficult to coordinate things and keep the show dynamic. all this is to say that i’m excited for s4 because the location differences make it so there’s a Reason for each plot to be separate at the beginning, and i think that’ll work better.
general ridiculousness
i dont mean like i think it’s bad that they made jokes this is just me lumping in all the dumb shit like hopper not worrying about el and not wanting to check on the kids, him and joyce bickering long after they both know they and their children are in danger, max seemingly forgetting that billy is a racist abuser, etc etc. i think many of these are just a symptom of the show 1. trying desperately to keep the groups split up a certain way even though it may not make any sense, and 2. trying to fit into a certain genre/trope mold when their actual characters are more complex than the tropes they’re imitating. this is so fucking long already i am not gonna elaborate further rn but i trust u all know what i mean.
soooo... yeah, that’s about all! i mean it’s not all there are definitely many more things i could talk about and i know i focused sorta disproportionately on the teens which is my bad :/ but i’m done for now. thank you for asking, and apologies for the delay in responding!! i’m sure some people reading (if anyone read this far) will disagree with some of what i’ve said and that’s alright like i’m not The Authority on st or anything i’m just trying to talk about like my own thoughts yknow? so yeah luv u all i hope someone enjoyed reading this!!
#asks#em talks#lesbianrobin.canon#stranger things#if u actually read all this i love u and im sorry#these r just my opinions!! and im sure i misremembered some shit my brain is swiss cheese#i did my best tho
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Torture and World Building: Avoiding Unfortunate Implications
This started out as one masterpost and then I realised it was a monster even by my standards so I’ve split it into three.
First I’m going to talk about details in stories that can suggest (or state) that torture is happening when that isn’t the author’s intent. In the next post I’m going to try and talk about the ways genres commonly use tropes that are (or are close to) torture apologia.
After that I’m going to talk about how the details in fictional torture and abuse scenarios can add to the world you’re creating.
Carefully considered details can really add to the story and the world that’s being created, while poorly thought through details can end up implying things the writer didn’t intend.
So what are some common details that might be implying torture when you didn’t intend to?
Settings and Groups
Stop me if you've heard this one before.
There's an off shoot or splinter group of a major faction holed up in a remote region, usually an inhospitable one. They have almost no oversight and seem more or less self sufficient. They have little respect for outsiders and pride themselves on their toughness, independence and ability to ‘get the hard jobs done’. They may have a maverick commander who 'bends the rules'.
They have a rigid hierarchy, usually one the hero doesn't fit into forcing them to prove themselves worthy. They’re unwelcoming and mostly respect displays of strength, which almost always means violence. They regard their enemies with contempt and disdain.
They seem both physically and culturally separate to the mainstream which they regard with disdain. They don’t have much time for rules or regulations or ‘going by the book’. They see it as a waste of time and a sign of soft bureaucrats who don’t know how to do the work.
They’re prone to sudden mood swings or outbursts of aggression.
I can think of dozens of examples of this sort of setting and these sorts of characters/sub-cultures in fiction. I don't think writers realise just how much it looks like a group of torturers.
Especially when it’s within a larger military or policing organisation.
Oversight is important. Accountability is important. And any armed violent group that rejects and belittles the idea of either probably has a reason for doing so.
Combining this with a remote region sends the message that there isn’t any oversight or accountability for this group. An inhospitable region, such as desert or a remote island, doesn’t just isolate the group. It also isolates any one they’re responsible for.
In reality setting up barracks or prisons in remote regions, tundra, deserts, tiny islands, has been used to quietly get rid of people. It prevents communication with the outside world. It cuts off access to support.
It makes it more likely that anyone attempting to escape will die. And their story will die with them.
The sub-cultures torturers tend to form are insular. They demand that the people they bring in ‘prove themselves’, generally by participating in abusive or otherwise violent acts.
They pride themselves on their toughness and independence. They tell themselves that they know better then the rules and their ‘gut instincts’ are worth more then evidence. They have a tendency to belittle anyone who isn’t a torturer.
They definitely don’t regard their enemies or prisoners as people worthy of respect.
And none of these features in a setting or group are necessarily ‘bad’ things to have in a story. But mixed together they can imply torture.
Which paints these ‘mavericks’ in a rather different light.
Characters
One of the most important things when you’re writing torture or abuse is to appreciate what you’re writing and treat it accordingly.
And a lot of authors don’t seem to realise when they’re writing torturers.
As an example let’s briefly consider one of the most hated torturers in modern children’s fiction. A government official, who uses her position of authority in a school to inflict painful punishments on children. Despite the obvious, scarring nature of some of these punishments she avoids being held accountable because of her government position.
I’m talking about Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter series.
I brought her up because discussions of the series often treat her as a ‘bully’, on par with Harry’s abusive peers.
Torture is defined as an intentional, painful act inflicted by a government official for one of the following reasons:
Punishment
An attempt to obtain information
An attempt to force a confession
Intimidation
Think about what you’re writing and what the characters you write do.
An abusive character in a position of power is not equivalent to an abusive peer. A person in a position of authority can do much more harm to a larger number of people then a private individual could.
Police brutality is torture. Corporal punishment in a military or prison context is torture. Painful intimidation tactics in a government hospital or mental institution are torture. And so is corporal punishment in a school.
Consider how bad you want your villainous characters to be. Be honest about what they’re doing and the severity of their crimes.
Fantasy Violence
There’s nothing wrong with cartoonish violence or making the decision to show violence as less harmful then it actually is in your story. Fairy tales where people fall from towers and are unharmed by the fall but blinded by the thorns or shows where characters are crushed by anvils and spring up again dazed but unhurt are not sending the message that assault is harmless. Because these sorts of stories create a consistent setting where the audience accepts that injury and pain don't work the way they do in the real world.
And the key thing there really is consistency. There's nothing wrong with having your story follow rules that don't match with the real world. The problem comes when creators switch back and forth, treating some acts of violence seriously and others as harmless or a joke.
Usually this is an honest mistake. A lot of creators really don't know how damaging the thing they're writing is. They think they're telling a realistic story. It's important to question what you write and double check things when you're not sure. And by sure I mean 'found this injury/symptom pattern confirmed by several reliable sources'.
It’s especially important when we're talking 'clean' (ie non-scarring) attacks because the damage these do is regularly downplayed and underestimated both in fiction and (more importantly) in reality.
These kinds of problems can also come up because of a lack of consistency in the narrative generally. Sometimes you're not quite sure where you want the story to go when you start so the tone and nature of the thing changes as you write. This is a natural part of the process for some writers.
If that’s how you write take the time to go back and check that you have a consistent story. Edit earlier chapters so that things line up.
Think your descriptions, plot and the world you’ve created. Think about what kind of atmosphere you want to create and what kind of world/rules you're trying to establish. And don't be afraid to experiment or edit in order to get something closer to the story you want.
A lot of this boils down to thinking about what you’re writing and what it can imply. It’s a learning process and it gets easier with practice.
If your unsure what torture is like in reality or how to recognise torture apologia I have a post for getting started over here. You can find research tips over here and sources over here.
And if you have any questions I’m here to help :)
Available on Wordpress.
Disclaimer
#writing advice#tw torture#writing torture#masterpost#unfortunate implications#torture apologia#writing torturers#behaviour of torturers#worldbuilding
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Wuko in the comics
Welcome to my first post discussing Wuko in the LoK comic books!
This first post will be discussing Turf Wars- which unfortunately does not feature Wu. But there are lots of excellent Mako moments, and there are some major plot points that carry over into the next comic trilogy.
Turf Wars is the first LoK comic trilogy released after the finale. Though it was released two and half years after the finale aired, it picks up right where we left off. While the creators confirmed after the finale aired that Korrasami was canon, the last moments of the animated series were a little ambiguous (on purpose, since this was a time when queer representation was just not considered "acceptable" in children's media-it was truly the only way they could get away with it). The comics definitively remove all ambiguity. Turf Wars features multiple frames of Korra and Asami kissing, holding hands, and coming out to their friends and family.
The overarching plot of Turf Wars is a conflict over the land upon which the new spirit portal sets. There is also conflict between rival Triad gangs, the Triple Threats and the Creeping Crystals, over turf in Republic City following the chaos of Kuvira's invasion. These two sets of turf wars overlap when a business tycoon hires the Triple Threats to secure the spirit portal for him by driving others off. The new Leader of the Triple Threats, Tokuga, is attacked by a spirit defending the portal, causing him to gain a dragon-like appearance and a new agenda-seizing control of all Republic City. In the midst of all this there is a refugee crisis, a presidential election, and Korra and Asami trying to navigate their new relationship once they return to the real world with all their responsibilities.
Notable plot points and character developments:
Korra and Asami canon is confirmed (repeatedly)-They come out to family and their friends
Business owner Wonyong Keum, who owns the land upon which the new portal sits, demands everyone vacate so he can turn it into a tourist attraction for profit-prompting Korra to enter the Avatar state to temporarily drive him away.
An unhappy spirit requests Korra closes the portal to prevent exploitation of the spirit world.
Bolin joins Mako as his rookie detective partner.
Zhu Li is running efforts to care for refugees who lost their homes during Kuvira’s attack and teams up with Asami to begin rebuilding homes for everyone displaced.
Tokuga is introduced as the leader of the Triple Threats, fighting for control of the streets with Jargala, the leader of the Creeping Crystals.
Kya reveals she is queer and gives us a history lesson on the context of LGBTQ+ history in the world.
Tokuga is attacked by the afore-mentioned spirit and his right arm and half his face become dragon-esque.
Raiko is a colossal idiot. He is way too focused on getting reelected and making his decisions based on what his campaign advisor suggests, rather than just, you know, governing his city. He calls the military to occupy the portal, prompting the Airbenders to peacefully protest.
Zhu Li runs against Raiko for the presidency. She rallies more protesters to protect the spirit portal while her husband films her for his newest project- a “docu-mover” which he presumably uses to influence the election.
Asami and Keum are kidnapped by Tokuga and forced to make a poison gas device bring the city under Tokuga’s control.
The Krew manages to save the day of course, thanks to Asami’s wit, Korra’s unstoppable stubbornness, and back-up from Bolin and Mako. Except Mako, bless him, says he’ll “take care of Tokuga”, and then promptly loses him.
Tokuga mysteriously disappears into the spirit world.
Zhu Li wins the presidency.
Korra and Asami share a lovely, romantic moment where they exchange their first “I love you”s at the conclusion of the comic.
Mako scenes
There is no Wu in the Turf Wars comics (Unless you count one line of dialogue where it is mentioned that the Earth Kingdom is sending supplies to help the refugee situation) - however, there is plenty of Mako! Mako’s primary role in this series is as a detective trying to find and stop the Triads from waging their turf war in the city.
Our first scenes with Mako shows him back to being a detective- and his brother is his partner. He doesn’t seem super thrilled to be working with Bolin, but I think it’s just because he knows how his brother is- not that he doesn’t want to spend time with him. They are trying to track down the new leader of the triple threats and control gang activity. Mako’s arm is still in a sling, he’s got his usual brooding grumpy facial expression, and his hair is spiky again! He and Bolin arrest two-toed Ping and try to interrogate him. Two-toed Ping is weirdly proud of Mako and Bolin for rising up from being “nobodies” to a couple of “bigtime cops”.
They catch up with Korra and Asami, and the four of them are alerted by Jinora that the Triple threats are attacking the Airbenders that were meditating at the portal. Asami gets hurt in the battle and she and Korra share a kiss in front of everyone:
Look at Opal’s sweet face. She looks like she’s barely containing her excitement and is maybe squealing a bit, and she’s looking directly at Bolin which I think is a sweet moment to show their relationship. Bolin calls dibs on the first double date.
Mako probably needs time to process the information....
Mako and Bolin do some detective work to try and find Tokuga. There is an interesting scene where they are questioning Scoochy (We saw him in the first season, he’s the kid that told Korra and Mako the Bolin went to do some work for the triple threats before getting captured by equalists) Bolin tells Mako they should do “good cop, bad cop”, with Bolin being the good cop. Mako gets annoyed, and Bolin asks if he’s grumpy because his exes are dating. Mako insists he’s cool with it- though he’s got a distressed look on his face. They catch up to Scoochy and Bolin actually loses his temper and is rather menacing. Mako pulls Bolin back and genuinely connects with Scoochy- relating to his past, pushing him to do the right thing and help others. I really liked this moment because it shows how much character growth he’s had when you compare the way he treated Kai in season 3. (They are ultimately unsuccessful and Scoochy’s tip leads them to a room rigged with explosives- but I don’t think Scoochy knew that, I think he was fed false info).
There’s another touching scene, after Asami is kidnapped, where Mako notices how upset Korra seems as everyone is trying to form a plan to stop Tokuga. He steps aside to check in and see how she’s feeling. He comforts her’ empathizes with her, and reassures her that they are going to find Asami. At this point he seems to have fully processed that they are together and seems to fully accept it and is very supportive. Not easy considering the awkward position he’s in as both their exes. In this scene, Mako also informs Korra that he can’t firebend with his injured arm.
Mako and Bolin helps Korra to find Asami by requesting help from Jargala- in spite of the fact that Chief Beifong told them not to… They show up for Korra and Asami even if it means risking their jobs. They team up and fight the bad guys together, just like the old days.
We see many examples of how bad the damage is from Mako’s injury in the Colossus. He can’t bend with his left arm, it’s in a sling almost the whole comic, and he really doesn’t seem to be at the top of his game. He told Bolin he would take care of catching Tokuga, but apparently couldn’t and lost him. Mako’s injury is pretty bad and it’s probably really frustrating.
At the end, Bolin decides to quit the force (surprise. The guy loves to hop from calling to calling!). He makes a big dramatic speech to Mako, talking about how it’s time they go their separate ways. Mako is like “Um I’m going to see you at home in like two hours”, so it sounds like they are living together.
What all this might mean for Wuko
So now I’m going to try to tie things back into how all this affects the potential of Wuko- whether that’s for headcanons or fics or whatever- and just try to give you an idea of what this comic means for Wuko shippers.
Wu is governing in the Earth Kingdom right now. It is mentioned by Zhu Li that the Earth Kingdom sent supplies, so one can assume Wu has taken his place on the throne and the Earth Kingdom is in a stable enough position to be sending supplies to aid another nation. Nothing is mentioned about efforts to transform the Earth Kingdom into a democratic nation (we’ll get to that in the Ruins of the Empire comics).
Mako’s primary relationships that are explored are with his brother and with Korra. His relationship with Bolin is just as it always is. He loves his brother even if he is a little exhausted by his upbeat, enthusiastic attitude. We build up on his final interaction with Korra from the animated series and continue to firmly establish them as friends and amicable exes. Interestingly, we don’t get any meaningful Mako and Asami interactions. When he is comforting Korra, he relates to her by remembering how worried he was when Korra was kidnapped by Amon. He doesn't try to say “Yeah I’m really worried about Asami too”, which, to me is bizarre because he and Asami are friends too, right? I don’t know if we should read too much into it though- most likely it was just a writing choice that we aren’t meant to psycho-analyze- but it could also mean he is being careful with his words so that Korra doesn’t wonder if he still has feelings for Asami. The love triangle is completely resolved and Mako is out of the picture romantically with either of them and has no lingering romantic feelings. In other words, he is 100% ready available for a relationship with someone else.
The scene where Kya gives us a history lesson establishes how LGBTQ+ people are viewed in the world of LoK. In short, Korra and Asami are fully supported by their friends and family, and even their enemies acknowledge their relationship without any homophobic tones. The closest we get to homophobia is Korra's father, who, after expressing his happiness at their relationship, warns Korra to be cautious going forward because not everyone will be as understanding. Kya gives us a quick lesson on how same-gender relationships are viewed across the nations: The water tribe, being a patriarchal culture, expects discretion. The Earth Kingdom is not particularly accepting-Kya says that Avatar Kyoshi was bisexual but couldn't affect "real change" and that the earth kingdom is the slowest to accept change and is also militarily repressive (full disclosure I have not read the Kyoshi comics, maybe there is additional insight in those?). And in the fire nation, Sozin made same-gender relationships illegal when he took power (I hope Zuko undid all that when he became Firelord). The air nation is the only one that seems truly accepting-Kya paints a picture of total acceptance and says that Aang was supportive when she herself came out. Korra is worried that maybe her father was right, but Asami points out that a lot has changed over the years and everyone seems accepting, especially in Republic City.
I think what we can take away from this as far as Wuko goes- is that in Republic City, same-gender relationships are not much of an issue, while in the Earth Kingdom it could be viewed negatively. One could make a case that Wu might have cause to be closeted, while Mako might not. (Feel free to reject this history canon and substitute your own. I’d just as soon say that no one in the avatar-verse cares if you aren’t cis or het).
In conclusion. Mako is just a guy trying very hard to be a good, supportive friend to his exes who are now dating each other. He loves them (platonically) he loves his brother, he’s kind and has matured a lot, but he still always has a grumpy look on his face so it’s time for him to move on and get together with Wu.
Well, that’s Turf Wars. I did cram the plot of three comic books into one post, so I certainly did not hit all the details. If you feel I missed something crucial, feel free to reblog with your own takes. Next I’ll discuss Ruins of the Empire, in which we get lots of Wu and potential Wuko moments, a sizable helping of angst and even some Wu & Korra friendship! RotE is a really fun comic trilogy and I’ll be breaking it down into multiple posts. Thanks for reading everyone!
Wuko In RotE part 1
Wuko in RotE part 2
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How I wrote the Demon fic
Don't draw devil's traps in janitors' closets is one of my longest fic series I’ve ever written, the most notable of which would be my Demon Gakushuu fic, if you’ve seen it.
In partial response to an ask post (link here), I’ve decided to revisit my writing of this fic series! It was quite a long journey for me and I think it might be fun (?) sharing it with everyone. It’s rather long, so I’ll tag it under “keep reading”.
FYI this thread contains major spoilers for the fic (and would honestly make no sense if you do not have prior knowledge of it).
I'll just refer to the first fic in the series as Books because it has an insanely long title. Subsequent fics are in order Burgundy, Potential, Illuminate, Illuminate rewrite, and Addendum. The main series is linked here.
Addendum is not linked in the main series for reasons I'll explain below. (link here)
Books
I think one of my biggest mistakes writing Books is my lack of plot planning, and subsequently how thematically inconsistent it became. I start off most my fics with a rough idea of how I want the story to end, and a few good themes to carry me through the plot as I write, but for Books I started off with the first chapter and nothing else. If you followed the notes of my fic you'd probably have witnessed my gradual descent into uncertainty and despair as the fic spiralled out of my control due to how wrong I felt it was becoming.
The fic took a surprisingly hard toll on me. I absolutely hated it. I refused to mark it as complete because I was dissatisfied with how it ended. I thought that everyone was out of character, that I lost the original ending and goal in my head, that it was thematically messy such that I couldn't justify any ending I tried to come up with, and I was just grasping at straws trying to make it work.
The three things that bothered me were Gakushuu’s wings, Koro-Sensei and the introduction of Aina. When I started this fic I had plans to kill off Koro-Sensei at the end, however as the fic went on it became a celebration of life and learning how to live, and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have any death in this fic... but at the same time I had Gakushuu find a lot of meaning in Koro-Sensei’s (to-be) death and I didn’t want to undo that. The wings were on a similar note, because Gakushuu spend 50k words finding out who he is and accepting that he was different. Turning that message around and making him go back to being “the same” ate me up inside, but at the same time I set-up the Demon Society in such a way that they would kill Gakushuu if he didn’t have his wings, and it’s supposed to be a happy ending, dammit! Aina was a particularly egregious case because I threw her (and Ikeda) in without any prior warning at the very last minute. I already had a whole world and setting planned for them which I never got to expand on in the previous chapters because I was so anxious about the other two points, and when it came down to the last chapter I realized I had no set-up for these two, who were supposed to be major players in the finale. Basically I was bad at writing.
Even now I cannot fully articulate why it was terrible for me, but compounded with my real-life stressors, I suppose it just became a bit too much to deal with. (This is a piece of fiction that I am creating from scratch. If I can't even get this under control, what hope do I have for everything else?)
((For come disclosure I was never formally diagnosed with any mental illness, but my parents are the sort of people who don’t believe mental illness exists anyways. I would say that I’ve had depressive episodes when I was younger and sometimes even now, but I’ve learnt my ways of dealing with them!))
Burgundy
Four days later I published Burgundy, a short sequel to Books, very shortly after only because I had already finished writing by that time. I actually do still have several half-finished follow ups at that point, but I couldn't bring myself to complete any sequels because I couldn't even come to terms with the ending of the main story. (Those wips are lost to me now.) I think I was hoping that forcing myself to publish the sequel would show me that it was "no big deal" that the main fic didn't end the way I hoped it would, but it succeeded in making me feel worse.
Potential
About one month after that I wrote Potential. It was a three parter, somehow a fifth of the length of the main fic, that followed Gakuhou's perspective prior to the events of Books. It was a prequel which imo made it easier to write, because I still couldn't move on from Books yet. I think writing Potential was me trying to remind myself why I wrote Books in the first place, to perhaps reignite my original passion for the series. It's kind of funny to think about in hindsight, and a little meta, because Potential was a lead up to the events in Books. It worked... a little bit, I think. I still couldn't reconcile my feelings for the whole thing, but through it I got to revisit the original premise that I fell in love with and expand more on worldbuilding it. I could reprise Aina and Ikeda and finally write about the world I planned to introduce them in in the first fic and give more context and insights to how the demon society was supposed to work.
Illuminate
Six months after Potential, I ran into a comment that said, "what would Gakuhou have done if Gakushuu had died?" And for some reason it struck an epiphany in me. After that I wrote Illuminate in one night, cried myself to sleep, waited one more night to proofread it, and then published it. Illuminate was an AU to the first three fics in the series, and it was a fic about grief and mourning. Spoiler alert: I straight up killed Gakushuu in that fic. And somehow that was what I needed.
I quite literally killed my first fic - I upended the terrible ending I hated from Books - everything I had been uncertain about at first? I killed it. Plot points didn't fit my original plans? Killed it. (When I reread the death scene, I... honestly think I was unnecessarily cruel. I must have really been out of my mind when I wrote it, hah!)
And then I wrote myself a love story about missing it, grieving it, and finally letting go of it. It was heart wrenching for me - I made Gakuhou cry about what he lost, what could have been, what he realized he loved, and at the end of it all he could say "I love you and I can move on from you." And I did!
Illuminate (Rewrite)
Illuminate Rewrite, one year later, was me revisiting Illuminate to reflect on myself where I've come with this series. I actually just swapped the places of two paragraphs to change the mood at the end for something more contemplative. I elaborated a bit more on this in my notes for Rewrite, so I won't repeat them here.
Honestly, I still have a hard time coming back to reread Illuminate even after the whole debacle has happened. I attached a lot of emotions through my journey with this, and revisiting it each time takes quite a bit out of me.
Addendum
Addendum was just me having fun! After Illuminate, I managed to reconcile my feelings with the fic series. I was finally able to mark Books as complete and move on from it, and afterwards I wrote a fun little au sequel to Illuminate so that Gakushuu can live again. I could creatively expand on ideas and just do... whatever! It's more of a loose connection of plot points than a real fic, honestly.
Addendum follows Gakushuu in a future hundreds of years later, after every human who he's once known in Books has died. And... he moves on! Gets a job, makes friends, lives his life, and most importantly move on.
I chose to publish in a separate collection, however, because it was an incomplete story and I didn’t want to have a half-complete fic tacked on to what I have settled in my heart as a complete fic collection.
And that’s about it! <3
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Hermione as Harry's Light (by Evaluna)
Hello! This is an essay written many years ago, before the release of HBP&DH. It doesn't belong to me so credits to the original writers(Evaluna, Turambar & Mad-I Moody)! It was written on the CoS forum, I'm not sure if it's still saved there but I have a word document with all of the essays. Anyways, this essay has no ship/character bashing. Again, this essay isn't written by me, but it's one of my favorites. Enjoy!
Quote by Mad-I Moody:
"1."Ron's mum's lit a fire in there [Harry's bedroom] and she's sent up sandwiches." -Hermione couldn't know that if she had immediately dashed up to Harry.
2. "Ron and Ginny say that you've been hiding from everyone since you got back from St. Mungo's." - She's obviously talked to them about this at some point between their arrival back from the hospital and her arrival at 12GP.
3. "The others have told me what you overheard last night on the Extendable Ears."
-Does this indicate that she's had time to talk to the other members of the Weasley clan? Sources point to yes!
Now, isn't it sensible to assume that, in the instances wherein Hermione talked to the Weasley family, she was, at least, thoughtful enough to ask about Mr. Weasley?
Saying Hermione came only to be with Harry cannot be true therefore, because:
1. She doesn't go to see him the MOMENT she comes through the door
2. She gets Harry right out of the sulking room and takes him into a room with Ron and Ginny, with whom she has quite obviously been talking.
3. There is no indication that she wants to be alone with Harry"
Mad-I: Disagree. Not just from a textual analysis standpoint; there we have each our own interpretation. My strongest disagreement comes from what I see as a critical ‘septology’ issue [overarching theme of all 7 books]: Harry overcoming his own internal darkness [despair, hopelessness, isolation] before able to wage and win [or overcome] the external darkness [Voldy, evil, fear, hatred and division]. See below post. IMO the Hermione as Lifeline or Light for Harry scene is representative of what Harry must confront and for what he must stand and fight:
--darkness and the battle of good over evil,
--despair [depression] and the battle of love over [here, self-] hatred,
--isolation and limitation [e.g., Harry imposes on himself a prison for his mind], and the battle of love as emanation over barriers, constraints, and perceptions
It begins with himself. And IMO it doesn’t end. But anyway, it progresses from there to encompass the world. On his own, this scene shows that Harry is vulnerable in that he needs a source of love [for himself] to sustain him; only then can Harry be a source of love [for the world] in his [upcoming and perhaps ongoing] battle with darkness. Harry needs love in this regard perhaps more than anyone else in the world, and yet he’s had very little of it, with Sirius mostly kept apart from Harry. Except for Hermione, who has always been there for Harry? With Hermione’s return, once more for Harry there is connection and hope, and the belief in unlimited horizons and potential - some would call it faith -- when with Hermione. For ship and for series, IMO, I believe that Harry’s ability to acknowledge his need for love [for me, this means for Hermione] is the first step on his path to the light.
What the scene does imply is that Hermione’s conversation with Ron and Ginny and the others’ [may include Fred and George as well] was extremely brief and in the majority focused firmly on Harry. So brief in span that the snow had not yet melted even after climbing the stairs and so focused on Harry and his situation that Hermione had the grasp on all the main details already when she first pounded on the door. This is a young woman on a *mission*. A mission to save Harry. Hermione reaches Harry and saves him from himself, from his dark side, from his own personal hell. I personally think this is one of the most critical scenes in the book for Harry and his battle for good over evil, probably the most important one. The battle is within as well as without, and Hermione is the bringer of light to balance his darkness, to bring balance to his soul AK and Earendil:[thanks for SF ref!] a soul is a universe in and of itself <kabbalah, so one could say Hermione is bringing balance to the universe, in this sense]. Some may say it is not romantic..er…well…to each. But it can certainly be argued that the light and dark imagery, in bringing light from darkness, in the balance they provide one another, in the give and take [in interactions, in providing insight [in this scene=hers/giving love to him through her actions when she comes] or providing courage [in this scene=his/accepting her love through his actions when he follows] between them are the yin and yang that represent in both religious and esoteric texts the love on many levels required for spiritual completion of the marriage of two [bodies and souls] as one, separate but together [again, see the smoky caduceus-like vision that Dumbledore views after Harry’s vision prior to their arrival at number 12, which is followed shortly thereafter by the arrival of Hermione.
With this, one can make a case for striking symbolic romantic and platonic love imagery simultaneously, as well, in terms of a soulmate love that is “complete” on an esoteric level, a bonding of body and soul, the material and spiritual. I see no inherent contradiction, probably because I’m not an ancient Greek philosopher named Aristotle. [‘What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies’. --Aristotle] The difference being that we in our day can allow for this kind of soulmate love
between a man and a woman, as well, and that we can allow love to exist on many different levels between a man and a woman, not just Eros or what the Greeks narrowly defined as romantic love. The esoteric concepts of a true bonding of souls between a man and woman did of course contain all of these forms of love, sealed with emotional, physical, and contractual public commitments intended to represent the bonding of two souls as one before God and heaven. IMO how can this scene not be important for Harry, particularly as we all know that love is critical to overcoming all that Voldy is and represents? And whatever type you feel exists them between them, IMO there is deep love. So in fact I think this can be argued strongly as a H/Hr scene. For those who disagree, nonetheless it’s all-good since a deep soul love exists regardless if it is ‘very’ platonic. This is, after all, just a hair’s breadth from ‘total consciousness’.
One more point I mentioned before that I want to bring up in context of reinforcing Hermione’s critical position as Harry’s Light, Lifeline, or Savior. Arguably, since Hermione is key to bringing Harry back from the edge [regardless of what comes later], IMO the larger symbolism is that Hermione is “the one” who will always save Harry from his greatest enemy - himself, his dark side. After that, and only after that, can Harry save the world. She will help him choose light [represented by…Hermione] over darkness [his own despair and hopelessness, his feelings of being unclean and unworthy]. Even I can see some traditional religious symbolism here, but there’s much esoteric symbolism as well. Nonetheless, Ron’s gift of…what, frankincense and myth? Is that why the perfume smelled unusual?... Ron’s gift only seemed to highlight his deeper, intuitive understanding [at some level] of Hermione’s fundamental importance to Harry. Yin and Yang. Inexorably intertwined - just thought I’d throw that in here as well! And for what purpose would Ron is shown as gifting her with such symbolic honor if not to perhaps choose to give his life for hers, thereby saving Harry’s light and thus saving them all. Particularly, if Ron betrays or obstructs Harry and Hermione [this may happen if Ron is rejected by Hermione or “loses” her to Harry, per 6th step scene, falling away from the path to Hermione's door], then Ron may sacrifice himself [from betrayal guilt] to save Harry and/or Hermione [same scene, where Ron falls at Harry's feet] thus restoring his character and his legacy in addition to doing his critical bit to save Hermione &/or Harry [=the world].
(Turambar) I agree that the Christmas scene is one of the most significant in the book.
Just on what you said about the light/dark: it's interesting that JKR accentuates the extremities in various ways to bring out that contrast.
She uses biblical language - appropriate considering the timing - such as "unclean" and "possession" to describe Harry's self-disgust. His feelings of being unfit to be in the company of others brings another biblical image of the leper.
He completely isolates himself for a period rather than just behaves in a moody/angry fashion in company. He's "starving", cold.
Hermione is not mentioned at all from the time of the dream to her knocking on his door - an obvious device to enhance the surprise and impact of her arrival.
There's the imagery of evil (snake) and love (hippogriff) and as I've said before that suspicious dream occurs just when Harry is at his lowest ebb.
I agree with what FP said: the sequence shows the limitations of his relationship with the Weasleys and Sirius and conversely the growing significance to him of Hermione.
Both times he's considered running away when in a depressed state - here and before the First Task - the option has been to run to the barren, loveless Dursleys. To the house that's not a home and the family that isn't a family (to him). Both times he's got through the bad patch with a bit of help from Hermione.
#harry potter#harmione#harmony#harry and hermione#harry potter ships#hermione granger#hp ships#harry x hermione#harry/hermione#hermione and harry#hermione x harry#hermione/harry#harry potter series#harry potter books#hp#hhr#harry potter essay#harmione essay
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Men, Not Books | John Marston x Abigail Roberts Marston
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Relationships: John Marston x Abigail Roberts Marston Characters: John Marston, Abigail Roberts Marston Words: 6037 Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Past Prostitution Warnings: Heavy angst, mentions of past child abuse
Summery: Abigail can read John like an open book. But on this particular night there is something in his eyes that she can't understand and it scares her.
~ Basically just an excuse to get all my feels about John being emotionally fragile but never showing it, out on paper. This story is separate to all of my other John/Abi works. I consider the characters in this story to probably be as close to canon as I've ever written. So enjoy!
The fact that John is so ‘expressive’ was inspired by this post and I would like to thank this post for bringing John’s erratic stride to my attention.
~~~~
Abigail Roberts could not read.
It was a well-known fact that was established early on in her time with the Van der Linde gang.
Letters and symbols bounced around the page in front of her eyes and no amount of tutelage had ever improved her grasp.
She had learned to live with it. Deciding that she didn’t need to know what the words said as long as she could look through the pictures.
The books that had pictures anyway.
She often borrowed books from Hosea. Flipping through them and spending ages staring at the pages despite not understanding them. It was a nice distraction from the goings on of the camp.
Abigail sighed languidly, leaning back against the wall atop her bed at Shady Belle. The jagged hole in the wall behind her snatching at the hair of her bun and causing her to growl in protest.
She placed the book she had been looking at on the bed beside her and twisted awkwardly to untangle herself from the broken wood. Sighing in exasperation as she removed the ribbon holding her hair in place and let it fall around her shoulders.
She raked her fingers through is carefully, trying to remove the knots without needing to get up and find a brush.
Jack was sleeping peacefully on the floor beside her and she’d prefer not to disturb him if she could help it.
She felt her ears prick as footsteps on the stairs caught her attention. Heavy boots that she knew belonged to one of the three men sleeping in the top story of the old house alongside her.
She knew it was John from the sound of his footsteps. Spurs jiggling as he stepped hard against the floor without care for anyone that might be sleeping below.
Dutch had a strong gait and Arthur was a bulky man that found it hard to be quiet. But no one else walked quite like John. The way he put his hips into his stride. Feet landing purposefully but barely picking up again as his heel scraped each stair with his step.
For a fleeting moment she thought about feigning sleep. Not really in the mood to speak with him and unable to put her finger on why.
She decided against it. Instead brushing out the crinkles in her nightshirt before pulling her hair back into a loose pony tail and waiting patiently for John’s heavy steps to make their way passed her. The old door creaking as he pushed it opened, stepping inside and catching her eye as she looked to him with disinterest.
He stared at her for a second, seeming shocked to find her there.
Abigail frowned at the look on his face. He should not have been surprised to find her in bed at this hour.
Something was wrong.
She opened her mouth to speak and was alarmed when he started to move towards her. Stepping carefully over Jack and settling himself on the edge of the bed in front of her.
He stared at the hem of her nightshirt, not making eye contact as Abigail pushed herself into her knees and inched towards him.
Frightened.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, concern in her tone at the look in his eyes.
He was silent. Her anxiety increasing exponentially with every second of silence.
John slowly reached out, taking her hand in his and resting them together in her lap without speaking. Abigail swallowed audibly, her frayed nerves screaming for him to talk.
“John?” She asked eventually, urgent. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He answered with a small shrug, exhaling shakily as he continued to stare at the loose threads on the hem of her shirt.
The furrow of Abigail’s brows deepened as she squeezed his hand tightly in hers and waited for him to say more. Her heartrate dropping slightly as she let go of her breath.
No one was dead at least.
She realised as she looked him up and down. John was a man of few words. He was straightforward when it came to giving bad news. Short and to the point. No dancing around the truth if he knew it to be absolutely correct.
Still, she was concerned.
It wasn’t like him to want to be this close to her. Usually, he could barely stand the sight of her. It was only recently that he had moved herself and Jack back into his living quarters and even then, they hardly said a word to one another.
“What’s wrong?” She asked again, softer. Her free hand coming up to tenderly push the messy hair out of his face. He didn’t flinch away as she expected him to. Her tender touch rousing something inside him as he leaned toward it with enthusiasm.
She let her hand fall to his forehead, subconsciously feeling for a fever as he rested against her palm.
Perhaps he wasn’t feeling well.
He wasn’t usually one to show his vulnerability if he could help it. But he did have a certain childish quality to him when he’d been struck down by sickness.
He didn’t feel any warmer than normal.
Slowly she removed her touch and let her hand fall back to her lap. Surprised when John leant forwards. Resting his forehead on her shoulder and sighing deeply as he closed his eyes.
Abigail wasn’t sure what to do. He hadn’t embraced her in months. Not that she’d have let him if he’d tried. She was still pissed off about being treated like a burden.
“John?” She asked in quiet exasperation as he changed his position to nuzzle at her neck. “What is this?” She asked, tone gentle as he paused his ministrations and she felt him sigh deeply against her pulse point.
“I don’t know.” He whispered, his free hand slowly slipping around her waist as he inched closer once more. “I don’t know…” He repeated softly, eyelashes fluttering against her jawline as he inhaled sharply.
He let go of her hand suddenly and she felt it brush past her cheek before it joined his other hand, locking her into a hug just below her chest. He buried his face in her shoulder abruptly, eyes closed against the fabric.
John sniffed softly, a sound she had heard a thousand times before but never truly in this context. She licked her lips, tongue sucking silently on her teeth before she dared to glance to her side.
She couldn’t see much of John from her angle. A dirty mop of black hair obscured her vision. Hiding his face from her and rendering her useless at understanding what exactly was going through his mind.
Abigail may not be able to read literature, but she could read John like the back of her hand. He had always been an open book to her. Showing what he was thinking plainly on his face without ever having to speak. Keeping his emotions locked up deep inside despite the situation. Fearing if people found out that he felt things, he would be labelled weak.
But that had never stopped her from understanding. The way his eyes sparkled when he knew he was about to best someone or the way his lips quirked ever so lightly when he thought someone was being an idiot. A simple scrunch of the nose telling her his real feelings on the food he was consuming.
She could read his mood from across the camp if she had to. Knowing full well exactly how he was going to respond at any given moment by the different ways he cocked his brows.
But this was unique. Something was off and it scared her that she couldn’t read him immediately when he’d entered the room. The look in his eyes was close to fear. Hence her strong reaction to his silence.
She’d seen true fear in him once before. As he’d been searching for Jack at Clemen’s Point. He had told her he was sure it was fine. The panic in his eyes screaming to her that he didn’t believe that. The way his lips had been a thin line before he’d told her that they would find him. Eyes flicking ever so briefly out over the miles of lake they were camped next to.
The small swallow that he had thought he’d concealed. The way his Adam’s apple bobbed ever so slightly as he’d taken a moment to breathe.
The shake in his exhale.
She had known from the second she’d seen his face that he believed the boy was dead.
Drowned or taken by coyotes.
He had never needed to speak a word to strike such white-hot terror into her heart.
Abigail was brought back to reality abruptly as John’s hand curled in her shirt. His knuckles scraping lightly against the small of her back as he pulled the fabric taught. Unmoving otherwise and causing another thorn of worry to settle in the pit of her stomach.
It hadn’t been fear that she’d seen in his eyes. But something close to fear.
Perhaps sadness. She mused as she moved her hands to stroke lightly up and down his sides.
He shifted under her touch, breath hitching momentarily before he managed to return to a normal rhythm.
Abigail smiled to herself, knowing he could not see. She knew that sound well, although it had been a long time since she had heard it.
John always had some measure of sadness in his eyes. It was the first thing she’d noticed about him when they’d met. The way he looked at her, with wide, expressive eyes filled with sadness. He reminded her of a kicked pup.
At the time she’d found it endearing.
But she had soon learned where all that sadness had stemmed from. Mostly filled in by other camp members and a little from John himself after a few drinks. He’d had it rough, same as her. But he never could quite shake the sorrow that was tied to abusive childhood like she’d managed to. It followed him into adulthood and lorded over every happy moment of his life.
He never spoke of it. Never intentionally brought attention to the way he felt.
He had his feelings under lock and key. Not even the drink could fully open him up to his grief.
Abigail’s hands wandered slowly up his sides and around to his back. Petting him softly with delicate strokes up and down his spine and around his shoulder blades.
She felt him loosen under her touch. Not realising how ridged he had previously been as she felt him start to sink lower. Melting against her like a candy on a hot day.
“You okay?” She asked, deciding to try one more time to gently prod it out of him. She felt him shrug once more and she resigned herself to never knowing what had gotten into him. Leaning her head against his head perched on her shoulder, as she heard him whisper his response.
“Lodnhly.” He mumbled, barely a word as she frowned, trying to understand what he’d said.
“What?” She asked candidly, hands pausing as she felt him sigh heavily under them. This time speaking a little louder as he answered.
“Just… Lonely.” He said quietly, sounding strained by the admission.
“Oh…” Abigail breathed softly. Unsure what to do with the information she had so desperately wanted. John didn’t seem like the kind of man to feel lonesome. Despite his sad eyes he spent most of his time laughing by the fire with the other men in camp. Always heavy on the drink as he stumbled back to his bedroll at some ungodly hour.
She felt John begin to tense again in her arms and felt she needed to say something more. Opening her mouth to speak but closing it again after a while when she realised that for the first time in a long while, he had stumped her.
She’d truly had no idea what he’d been feeling and if she’d had to guess, she would have even put constipated several spaces above lonely.
John let go of her shirt abruptly, pulling away and breaking out of her arms with ease as he shuffled slightly away so they were completely separate once more. Head bowed as he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze and waited for her to speak.
He had never opened himself up to her like that in his life. Never opened up to anyone like that at all, and he knew that she was acutely aware of that fact.
He twisted his hands against the mattress, feeling shame bubbling up inside of him as Abigail continued to stay silent. He’d considered that she might not know what to say and he’d been prepared to reassure her that she didn’t need to say anything. Nothing she could say would make him feel better anyway.
But in the moment he felt sick at the thought of her not replying. Both sitting there in silence until one of them plucked up the courage to leave the situation. He needed her to speak. He was desperate for her to say something.
Anything.
His heart raced.
Just speak.
He silently begged her, heart in his throat.
“Why?” Abigail asked clumsily, making him exhale the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding.
She watched nervously as he tensed at the question. Seeming to relax a little after a moment. His hands fisting in the bedsheets loosened while her own wrang nervously in her lap.
“I don’t know.” He answered dishonestly. Feeling a lump in his throat that impeded his ability to speak evenly. He had his reasons for the way he felt. But she would never understand them.
Abigail nodded, more to herself than John as he was not looking at her. His long hair still obscuring his face from his place in front of her.
She certainly knew what it was like to feel lonely in life. She felt it more often than not before she’d joined the gang. But since finding them it was few and far between. She still had her bad days, where she felt as though she didn’t fit in. Watching from across the camp as the other women giggled and gossiped. It irritated her to know she would never truly be one of them. She wasn’t a contributing member of the gang. Not in the same way they were. Sure she could cook, sew and occasionally she was asked to do the laundry. But she didn’t run cons or scout out for intel like they did. She wasn’t one of them. She was just John’s wife.
“Well…” Abigail said slowly, unsure if relating to John’s plight would help or hinder their conversation. “I know a thing or two about feeling that way.”
John sniffed softly, not saying anything as he slowly lifted his head to look at her for the first time since he had entered the room.
Abigail held back a gasp. Unable to stop the shock from registered on her face as her eyes flicked over his tear-stained cheeks. She hadn’t realised he’d been crying. For all the times she’d given him a once over and knew exactly what he was feeling, she couldn’t believe she’d been so slack as to miss something as significant as this when it was right in front of her.
She tore her eyes away from him, hand grabbing at the shoulder of her shirt as she pulled it taught and inspected the place where he’d laid his head. The fabric was damp and she was stunned by the realisation. He had been so silent. Showing emotion she had never seen in him right by her face without her even noticing.
She felt sick at the thought. Wondering now if perhaps she had seen him this vulnerable in the past and didn’t recognise it.
Arthur had once told her that John never cried.
Something she found hard to believe. Everyone cried. It was a fact of life. But as the years rolled on and her time with John stretched farther than any other significant relationship she’d ever had she had started to wonder if Arthur was right.
‘If he did, you would never know about it’.
Arthur had stated cryptically.
The words mulling over in Abigail’s mind for years to come. Every time she was sure this would be the moment John finally broke his stoic exterior she was once again proven wrong.
The words echoed in her mind now as she looked over the usually aloof man before her. The pain in his tired eyes spread bare for her to see.
Only her.
She realised as she inched towards him once more. Her hand finding his thigh and squeezing it gently as he collapsed against her rather suddenly. He laid against her chest, his shoulder resting just under her bosom. He rubbed his cheek against her breasts before burying his face in them. His arms crossing over his own chest as hers wrapped around his shoulders to hold him tight against her.
“John…” She whispered breathily. Burning behind her eyes making her blink rapidly as she struggled to hold back her own tears.
He didn’t respond, his uneven breathing the only sign that there was even anything wrong.
A disinterested onlooker would think him asleep in his wife’s embrace.
She supposed that is what he wanted.
“It’s alright…” She cooed, unable to form any other words as her mind raced around this new development.
How many times in the past had he silently wept without her knowledge? Even now, sharing the same room; they didn’t share a bed. John refused, letting her have the mattress while he broke his back on the hardwood floor.
She couldn’t tell if he was still crying. The silence in the room was deafening despite the people flittering through the halls downstairs and the lively party happening at the fire outside. Every now and then John would take a laboured breath and she would run a hand through his hair, stroking him as if she were calming an animal.
Abigail was always a mess when she cried. Loud, wracking sobs that tore at her throat and ripped her breath from her lungs. There wasn’t a hankie large enough to contain the fluids that ran down her face as she howled. Everyone knew when Abigail was crying. There wasn’t a sole within 50ft the didn’t feel her pain as well.
But John…
“Hey?” She asked quietly, her voice broken despite managing to compose herself against her own tears. “Hey?” She asked again, gently tugging at John’s hair until he finally pulled his face away from her chest and looked up at her with red rimmed eyes. “It’s okay.” She assured, cupping his cheek with her hand and using her thumb to swipe away fresh tears.
She leaned down slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wanted to before gently placing a chaste kiss on his cracked lips. He didn’t kiss back, feeling too overwhelmed to respond as she pulled away and smiled at him sadly.
She didn’t take it to heart. She hadn’t really intended anything but comfort with her kiss, but she also understood her own tendency to turn things sexual when she was uncomfortable. Kissing away pain instead of talking it out. Fucking to avoid an awkward conversation.
It was a short-coming of her own that she knew she needed to fix. He needed more from her right now than sex.
John stared at her with heavy lidded eyes. Blinking tiredly before settling himself back against her chest. This time just resting his cheek against her breast and staring at the wall in front of him as he tried to sort out what he was feeling.
“Fuck.” He whispered, voice croaky. He trembled slightly as he pushed himself away from her. Breaking out of her arms again and sitting up on his own once more. His hands finding his face as he rested it in his palms. “Fuck…” He exhaled shakily. Unable to form a coherent thought as the reality of exposing himself to her came crashing down on him.
He had needed the comfort.
Had needed to be held.
There was a large part of him that wished he was still being held. Not wanting to give up the warmth. The all-encompassing sense of calm he felt in her arms.
The safety.
But he had already shown too much of himself and right now he felt a suffocating need to run. To lock up whatever it was that he was feeling and get the fuck away from anyone that had seen him unmasked.
Abigail could sense his impending departure. Feeling it necessary to say something meaningful and assuring him that she didn’t judge him for his emotions.
“Anyway…” John said softly, swallowing hard as he pulled his face from his hands and wiped the tears from his chin with his palm. “I should…” He mumbled, trailing off as he gestured at his bedroll across the room.
“Stay.” Abigail said suddenly, her hand shooting out to hold him in place as he made to stand. He looked at her quizzically. Eyes flicking between her and his bed. His tongue swiped hesitantly over his dry lips as he thought. Weighing the options in front of him and landing at a decision with ease.
“Okay…” He said timidly. Averting his eyes and staring at their joined hands. Maybe just this once he could ignore the screaming in the back of his mind and let himself be soothed.
John wondered absently if she could read his mind. He never had understood how she managed to know just what he was thinking at any given time. Always ready with a counter to his argument or a consoling word on a subject he hadn’t even broached yet.
He was in awe of her ability to understand just what he needed. Irritated at the fact that mostly she ignored it. Knowing full well he wanted to be left alone but following him around regardless and nagging him to no end.
But comforted by the fact that she seemed to care enough to put in the effort of knowing him.
He could not really say the same of anyone else. His own Father had neglected him for years before the old bastard had gotten himself killed. The women at the orphanage he had been moved to shortly after that had been no kinder. Dismissive and noncommittal when it came to calming his anxieties. Lying to his face and repeating the same mantra of ‘You’ll find a family soon’.
After that he had been alone again. Escaping the orphanage and scavenging to survive. He had found out quickly what exactly happened to whiny little street kids that couldn’t hide their sorrows.
Abigail slid herself back against wall of the room, wincing at the feel of her ponytail catching on the broken wood once more. She ignored it, pulling John’s hand as she moved and encouraging him to join her. He followed without thinking about it. Too busy in his past to analyse what was happening in front of his eyes.
Abigail pulled her hair from the wall sharply, deciding it might be nicer to lie down. She slipped herself down and underneath the covers. Waiting for a long second before pulling him to her when she realised he wasn’t going to move on his own accord. His glazed over eyes told her he was stuck somewhere in the past and what he needed from her right now was silence so he could find his way back.
She moved the covers out of the way as he moved to lie against her side. One strong arm being slung over her belly as he nuzzled into her shoulder. She smiled sadly, holding out her arm so he could rest on it. His head fitting snuggly into the crook of her arm as she brushed her soft fingers against his wet cheek.
John remembered his first week with the gang vividly. He had been quietly terrified of these huge brawny men that had rescued him from certain death. Knowing too well at the age of 12 that sometimes people helped you not because they were good people but because you could be of use to them.
He had wondered what they wanted with a scrawny thing like himself. Too small and weak to fight and too big and pigheaded to be worth feeding if he could not be of real use.
Dutch had instilled in him early on that his place in the gang was conditional. He’d never said the words outright, but John had gotten the hint fast when he’s refused to do a ‘women’s chore’ and been very passively threatened with eviction.
‘Well son, I’m just not sure there’ll be enough food for you here if the men don’t have clean clothes by sundown. You may have to find other arrangements that better suit your leisurely lifestyle.’
The words had played over and over in his head for the last 15 years. Every time he found himself feeling that something was unfair. He had remembered those words and the way Dutch had spoken them. Something about that sentence not sitting right with him even now. The gentle reminder that he was expendable.
It Stung.
It had kept him quiet for almost as long as he could remember now. Even as a fully fledged adult that had earned his place in the gang by sheer effort and determination. Behind every compliment or kind word he could feel that lingering threat that if he did not continue to live up to Dutch’s standards he would be out before he could blink.
John inhaled sharply, feeling a sting in the corner of his eyes and closing them against it. He had been warned early on to hide his weakness. His little body sometimes unable to contain the big emotions that came from living in a word that didn’t want him.
He hadn’t needed to be told twice. Just the look in the eyes of the other men as he laid himself bare was enough to shut himself off from ever speaking about his misery again. Bessie had tried to console him but he had been too wary of her intensions to let her.
Terrified that she was just an agent of Dutch. Tasked with finding out his deepest concerns and reporting back to him with how and why John should be punished or evicted.
He regretted that a lot now. Knowing the kind of person she had turned out to be. So kind and full of affection.
He wished now, day in and day out that he had someone he could confide in. Someone that wouldn’t look at him with pity or contempt but the kind of compassion and understanding that Bessie had offered and he had shirked.
He had never pegged Abigail to be that person. Always assuming from her icy demeanour that she would be as cold as the other men. Disgusted even by his lack of self-control.
This wasn’t the first time he’d come to her, pleading for reassurance. But he doubted she knew that as she moved her hand softly from his cheek to drag her sharp nails over his scalp. Making him shiver.
He had tried a few times before. Most recently when they’d been settled at Horseshoe overlook. His insecurities niggling at him after seeing the fresh scars on his face for the first time. Anxiety nipping at the back of his mind until the gentle mumbles of self-doubt and loathing turned to angry shouting that he couldn’t ignore any longer.
He had gone to her in her lean-to. Sitting beside her without speaking and giving her a chance to ask since she alleged to know him so well.
She had not.
Arguing with him instead about his involvement with Jack. As if he needed another reminder of his dubious paternity at such a fragile time in his life.
He silently hoped that the kid wasn’t his anyway. It was the one kindness he could wish on the boy. To not grow up to be the spitting image of his own disgusting face.
He had felt such hatred for her in that moment. Either she didn’t know him as well as she claimed to or she did and she’d ignored his silent pleas for comfort.
He wasn’t sure what was worse.
He had silenced her with a rough kiss that quickly turned into heated touching. Their bodies closer than they had been in months. Arousal getting the best of them both as they rutted together urgently before Abigail had come to her senses and gently pushed him away. Staring into his expressive eyes for a long while before taking his hand and leading him away from all the prying eyes and making him feel better in the only way she really knew how.
The best sex John had ever had, lasting approximately two minutes and finishing as unceremoniously as it had begun in the scrub just shy of Pearson’s wagon.
They hadn’t spoken of it again. Straightening their clothes and parting ways with uneven breaths and ruffled hair.
He hadn’t tried to speak to her about his insecurities again after that. Feeling somewhat consoled by the fact that she’d still found him attractive enough to fuck.
Not that he was sure that meant too much in the grand scheme of things considering her past. She had spent a lot nights with a lot of men considerably uglier than John.
But it comforted him none the less.
John opened his eyes slowly, looking up to her and catching her eyeing him before she looked away quickly. Staring at the ceiling as she petted him distractedly.
“You can come to me you know?” She asked quietly, not looking away from the ceiling as she spoke. He wondered if that was because she felt the need to give him privacy in his response or because she couldn’t stand the sight of him.
He tensed his jaw as he thought. Gritting his teeth together tightly before finally responding.
“Hmm.” He hummed in a noncommittal way. His response able to be taken as either a yay or nay depending on the other person’s perspective.
“When you’re… lonely… I mean.” Abigail hesitated, still staring above her with neutral features.
John didn’t reply, knowing full well that she was wrong but unable to voice that in the moment. Afraid of losing his place by her side as he closed his eyes again and breathed in her sumptuous scent.
He hadn’t intended to come to her in the first place. Walking quickly away from the fire; his back against some playful ribbing from the other men. He couldn’t even remember what it had been about. The teasing hadn’t been what had bothered him anyway. It was the way that Arthur had looked at him when he had opened his mouth to speak that had tripped him up. Made him choke on his words and look like a fumbling idiot in front of the others before he exited the conversation in an effort save what was left of his dignity.
They used to be so damn close.
Closer to brothers than friends. A relationship John cherished above all others he had experienced in his life.
Until he had left and fucked it all up.
He’d known Arthur would be pissed off at him. But to be honest he’d never imagined that he would still be filled with such animosity toward him a whole two years later.
Arthur loathed him. Barely tolerated his presence for years now. It was only just recently that he felt maybe they were starting to reconcile.
But then the other man had looked to him with such disdain. A piercing glare that radiated revulsion that stemmed from his very core.
He’d never really regained his friendship with anyone in the gang and he’d struggled to get to know the newer members.
His saving grace was his relationship with Abigail but even that had been in tatters for longer than it had ever been good.
He was so isolated.
Alone.
In a living space that consisted of over twenty people. Most nights he felt as though he may as well be sitting at an empty fire pit by his lonesome.
Sipping turning in to swigging as he relied on alcohol to dull the pain and loosen his tongue. Making him funny. Turning the miserable cynic that he was into a desirable companion.
John had stared back at Arthur after he had spoken. The other men already beginning to chuckle at his expense while his brother simply smirked at the fractured look on his face. Content with the fact he had made John Marston look as stupid as he always liked to say he was.
It was such a small gesture. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was always light and airy.
John couldn’t take it anymore. His heart breaking as he walked away from the fire to find a place to hide.
He had assumed Abigail would be asleep due to the late hour. Planning to sneak in and out of their room without detection. Grabbing some whiskey from his private stash and taking it somewhere more secluded to reflect on why exactly he felt the way he did.
But he had been wrong. Walking straight in and making eye contact with her before he could retreat. She’d known something was wrong immediately, he could tell. So he’d swallowed his pride and taken the opportunity to try one last time to help her understand him fully. That one small part of himself that she didn’t already just know like she seemed to with all the rest of him.
He wasn’t sure exactly if he was successful or not. Perhaps her understanding and comfort was conditional as everything seemed to be in this world.
Maybe when they awoke in the morning, she would physically push him away as she had so many times before.
Or perhaps he was the one that would push her.
Embarrassment settling in and causing him to withdraw without a word before she awakened. Never speaking of his vulnerability again. At least until the next time unkind words seeped their way into his heart. Blackening it a little bit with every stab.
Abigail let her eyes flutter closed. Her hand falling to rest gently against John’s temple as she took a deep calming breath. He subconsciously followed her lead, his own breathing evening out as he matched her pace. Feeling the rise and fall of her belly under his arm.
He felt calm.
Peaceful.
He realised as he lamented the fact that it would end eventually.
Never one to enjoy a moment as it was happening. Always looking to the future and bemoaning the fact that it would end.
He’d missed her. He had realised it months ago. The bickering before Blackwater had been suffocating to not just the two of them but Jack and the other gang members as well.
But when he’d been up on that mountain, freezing half to death and in more pain than he’d imagined possible he’d longed for her. Wanting nothing more than to be rescued and returned to her arms but knowing deep down that even if he was rescued, he would be returned to the cold embrace of a lonely bed.
Maybe now things would be different.
He dared to hope. Squeezing her waist with a trembling hand as he nuzzled closer to her. Abigail returning the hug without contention.
“I love you.” John finally managed to speak. The words grinding against his throat as he fought to force them out.
Abigail startled as he spoke, turning to him and frowning in question as if she wasn’t sure she had heard him correctly.
Their noses rubbed together lightly as she looked into his eyes. A smile spreading across her gorgeous features as she read the look in his eyes.
“I love you too, you silly man.” She whispered, leaning in once more to kiss him softly. This time he kissed back, hand curling in her nightshirt as things began to get heated.
End.
~~~
I hope you guys liked this one! I would love to hear if you did. There's not many John/Abi shippers out there anymore so it's always amazing to hear from the people that take the time to read my works of them. ❤
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