#I can sit with it and reflect on my own behavior and values

[hellhoundmaggie]

Do you have any SDV hot takes?

Boy do I ever Anon! Thank you for giving me the chance to get on my soapbox about this.

Shane doesn't relapse when he is happily married to the Farmer. The popular "relapse" interpretation is based on faulty assumptions about what substance abuse recovery is supposed to look like and flat-out misreadings of the text of the game.

Shane doesn't "start" drinking again: he never stops, just reduces the amount he drinks. (Unless we are supposed to interpret the phrase "cut back" in the 7 Heart Event as meaning "quit” or "gave up” for some reason. Or if we ignore the new 1.6 dialogue about him drinking less after his 6 Heart event.)

Shane's mess is not a consequence of uncontrolled drinking, but a consequence of his depression and possible under-managed ADHD. His room at Marnie's remains exactly as messy when he's in recovery as it is when he's spiraling, so the drinking has no effect on his cleanliness.

”Okay,” you might say, “but he still shouldn’t drink, and he should pick up his room.” And sure, yeah. Ideally we should all do the same. But that’s not always a fair or realistic expectation for everyone. Not everyone can quit their addictions or bad habits cold turkey. Not everyone is going to be the model citizen. That doesn’t mean they can’t live happy lives. That doesn’t mean they don’t have value. That doesn’t mean Shane doesn’t have value.

So instead of complaining about the ways that Shane fails to measure up to typical adult standards, it may be more productive to ask: is he happy? Is he doing okay?

By any reasonable measure, a married Shane is living his best possible life. He‘s surprised and delighted to be your trophy husband. He doesn’t have to worry about taking a soul-sucking job or struggling with unemployment. His drinking isn’t causing him any problems, and if he can’t keep his personal space clean, at least he doesn’t let his mess spread to the rest of the house. He has his own little coop for Charlie and it’s just adorable to watch him bounce her up and down. He actually makes time for Jas. I am not requiring everyone to love Shane the way he is written, or to make space in their farmhouse for him. But please, have realistic expectations for the character that exists. And do make friends with him. He gives you an OP recipe and access to blue chickens!

[whentherewerebicycles]

a bunch of people have already registered for my mentoring workshop! unfortunately this means i have to plan and host a workshop aaaaaa

[allaboutthemoonlight]

Becoming the “It” girl: using science to redefine your identity

Hello friends,

A longer post today but I’m excited about this one!

I like to define an "It Girl" as someone who embodies the highest version of oneself, a created identity that reflects your most aspirational qualities and personal vision of success and confidence.

However, this post isn’t bout conforming to standards or expectations but rather embodying the best version of who you imagine yourself to be.

Today, I wanted to talk about how social science-based principles like self-presentation, cognitive dissonance, and identity alignment can help u become an“It Girl” in our own lives and achieve the identity you’ve been desiring.

What is identity

Our identity impacts all areas of our life; it’s the person we think we are and how we communicate that to others.

For example, if you see yourself as confident and capable, you are more likely to approach challenges with a positive attitude and take risks that lead to growth.

On the other hand, if you view yourself as unworthy, you are more likely to shy away from opportunities and not reach your full potential.

Our identity manifests as how we present ourselves to the world, including our body language, communication styles, and behavior.

In addition, our identities are constantly changing as we grow and evolve, influenced by our experiences, goals, and relationships with the people around us. This is why it’s important to continue to refine your personal brand and set standards for yourself to stay authentic.

Taking the time to evaluate our current identity and identifying areas where we can make changes is a good way to get aligned with our highest selves. We can ask ourselves questions such as:

How do I describe myself in three words?

What are my core values and beliefs?

How do I typically respond to challenges and setbacks?

What are my strengths and weaknesses?

How do I feel about my abilities and potential for success?

How do I present myself to others in social and professional settings?

What is my body language like in different situations (e.g., confident, reserved)?

How do I communicate with others (e.g., assertive, passive, aggressive)?

What kind of feedback do I receive from others about my behavior and attitude?

Do my actions align with the person I want to be?

How do I handle criticism and praise?

What goals do I have for personal and professional growth?

What is Self-Presentation?

Self-presentation involves the things we do to portray a particular image of ourselves; it’s how we dress, speak, behave, and present ourselves in different contexts. Our self-presentation is closely linked to our identity because it shapes how others perceive us, which can influence how we see ourselves.

Projecting the identity we want and living by our values and beliefs requires consistent management of our self-presentation. Our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions should reflect those of the identity we’re internalizing.

For example, if your identity is someone who is stylish, you’ll want to curate your wardrobe in a way that reflects that. In a similar context, if your new identity is someone who’s highly education you might start to spend some of your free time reading books, articles, newsletters, etc.

It’s all about helping to align how others see us with how we see ourselves.

Although other people’s opinions shouldn’t dictate our lives, a big part of our identity is shaped by how others view us. Their feedback can either affirm or refute what we’ve internalized to be true.

Here are some techniques for mastering self-presentation and how they can be used to access your highest self:

Dress in a way that reflects your identity, curate a wardrobe that matches who you aspire to be

Use confident body language, such as maintaining eye contact and standing/sitting upright in social settings

Practice speaking with clarity and confidence

Clean up your social media and only follow content that aligns with your identity or helps keep you on track

Establish and maintain boundaries without people in your life that reflect your values and priorities

Invest in personal and professional development through courses, workshops, and reading

Surround yourself with people and environments that support and reflect your highest self/new identity

Regularly express gratitude and maintain a positive outlook

Questions to evaluate and improve self-presentation

What are my core values and how do they influence my behavior?

How do I want others to perceive me?

Does my current wardrobe reflect the person I want to be?

What body language habits can I improve to appear more confident?

How can I improve my communication skills to better align with my desired identity?

In what ways can I be more consistent in how I present myself across different contexts?

What feedback have I received about my self-presentation, and how can I use it to improve?

Am I living in a way that aligns with my highest self, or are there areas where I can improve?

What actions can I take today to better project the identity I want?

How can I ensure my actions are authentic and reflect my true self?

How cognitive dissonance impacts us

Rebranding yourself and changing your identity involves leaving your old life behind. It sounds simple, but it can be very a mentally exhausting change. This is where cognitive dissonance comes into effect.

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort experienced when our actions conflict with our beliefs or values. If we’re not acting in accordance with our beliefs, we’ll end up with mental discomfort. As a result, we either end up changing our habits or our beliefs.

For example, if you see yourself as an active person but keep skipping the gym, high dissonance might make you change your belief instead of your habit. You might start telling routinely yourself, "It's just this once," rather than actually going.

This may sound stressful and prove to be a challenge during your rebrand. However, dissonance can play a positive role if you’ve strongly internalized a core aspect of your identity. For example, if you see yourself as someone health-conscious or someone who frequents the gym, you’ll consistently find ways to show that this is true, whether that’s going to the gym daily or meal prepping.

In terms of identity formation, when we highlight inconsistencies between our self-perception and our actions, we actually push towards more aligned behavior.

When we recognize that our actions don’t align with who we believe we are, we can use that discomfort to motivate positive change.

In combination with the tips previously mentioned, we can also:

Regularly evaluate our actions and beliefs to identify any discrepancies. Ask ourselves if our behavior aligns with our values and goals

Define specific, actionable steps that align with our desired identity. This can help create a guideline for behavior that supports us

Be willing to accept change and continue to grow and learn more about ourselves

So how can we apply these principles to become an “It Girl”

Define our "It Girl" identity:

Self-reflection: take time to reflect on who you want to be. Write down the qualities, values, and behaviors that define your highest self

Vision board: create a vision board (physical or digital) with images, words, and quotes that represent your ideal identity so that you’re constantly reminded of your goal

Align your self-presentation:

Wardrobe audit: go through your closet and sort items that don’t align with your desired identity. Also invest in pieces that make you feel confident and reflect your new persona

Body language: practice positive body language such as standing tall, maintaining eye contact in conversations

Use cognitive dissonance to your advantage:

Identify inconsistencies: regularly assess your actions and identify areas where they don’t align with your desired identity

Set goals: create specific, actionable goals to address these inconsistencies. For example, if you want to be healthier plan to incorporate more whole foods into your diet

Monitor progress: keep track of your progress and celebrate small wins to stay motivated

Cultivate positive habits:

Daily routines: establish daily routines that support your identity. This could include a morning exercise routine or a consistent skincare routine

Mindfulness practices: incorporate daily mindfulness practices like meditation or journaling

Continue to learn: commit to lifelong learning. Read books, take courses, and seek new experiences that contribute to your personal growth

Build a support system:

Find mentors: seek out mentors or role models who embody qualities you admire. Learn from their experiences and guidance

Surround yourself with positivity: build a network of supportive friends and family who encourage and inspire you

Rebranding yourself is a long and tedious journey, but with a little help from some science-based principles it can be as beneficial as ever!

As always,

Love Luna <3

[longing-for-rain]

regarding aang becoming offended bc of his portrayal as a woman in ember island players, i think his anger was justified on that specific occassion? I mean, the fire nation was mocking his gentle nature and pacifism by portraying him as a blithering naive idiot who never took things seriously and the belittling of his culture and beliefs. This is one of the worst episodes for him, dont get me wrong, but in this case, femininity was utilized as a source of derision and weakness imo. I dont say this with bad intentions, just thought i would write this bc i also condemned aang for the same thing before

If that was what Aang was upset about I might be inclined to agree, but everything he says and does throughout that episode points to the contrary. Aang doesn’t say anything about the incorrect portrayal of his culture and personal values. Here is what he does say:

[Note: the above expression is before the actress hardly says anything so he’s clearly just mad about the fact that she’s female]

Aang: [angrily] Is that a woman playing me?

Aang: I don't do that! That's not what I'm like! And I'm not a woman!

[Note: the official script includes the emphasis; again, it’s very obvious that he’s most bothered by being played by a woman]

Then this exchange:

Toph: I don't know, you are more in touch with your feminine side than most guys.

Aang: [Standing up, angrily] Argh!

Katara: Relax, Aang. They're not accurate portrayals. It's not like I'm a preachy crybaby who can't resist giving overemotional speeches about hope all the time. [Everyone looks at her] What?

Aang: [Turns around and sits down. Sarcastically.] Yeah, that's not you at all.

You know what I love about this conversation is that is proves two things at once. Firstly, yet again, it’s clear that being portrayed by a woman is what is most upsetting to Aang. Secondly, his reaction (and, honestly, insult) to Katara’s values here shows that he’s not thinking that deeply about this. It has nothing to do with values. Aang is offended at the idea that he is being portrayed by a woman and with more “feminine” qualities, which honestly plays well with his creepy, possessive behavior with Katara later this same episode.

And I actually do like the fact that you brought up femininity being used as “a source of derision and weakness” because guess what! That’s the definition of femininity itself. Femininity doesn’t mean simply being a woman; femininity is the social behaviors and roles that women are expected to fulfill. Which is why I don’t have any sympathy for a man who is offended by being called feminine or compared to a woman because it’s reflective of a deeply misogynistic attitude on his part. If Aang thinks femininity is so degrading and weak, what does that say about the fact he expects his crush to behave that way? I mean, this is what he thinks of Katara, through his own perspective:

So yeah, that’s my question. If being compared to a woman is so insulting and humiliating to Aang, what does that say about how he intuitively views actual women? Why does he think he’s above that treatment but women aren’t? People act like I’m crazy for saying that he exhibits toxic masculinity this episode but this only furthers that point.

Oh and before someone jumps in here and acts like this goes both ways, let me point you to this:

Toph’s reaction to finding out she’s being played by a big, buff, stereotypically-masculine man. She’s thrilled! Why? Because we are products of a misogynistic society and therefore intuitively view being compared to a man as a compliment and a woman as an insult. The respective roles assigned to each are not equal. Masculinity and femininity were never equal and the system was deliberately created that way. You can see this idea ingrained in the writing of this episode because it’s a bias we all hold to some degree, including the writing and creative team here.

So I’m sorry, but considering the bias clearly present within the writing team and the way the characters behave this episode, it’s clear to me that Aang’s reaction has nothing to do with his culture and everything to do with his misogyny.

[a-not-so-clean-blog]

Nu carnival dealing with a transphobic family friend/ customer (ftm reader)

Warnings: transphobia. Spicy♦️ for Morvay.

Scene:

Your boyfriend decides to visit you at your job because he misses you and doesn't get to see you enough. Just a little visit to see how you're doing. He comes in and takes a seat in the corner of the cafe to wait for you to come over when you get a free minute. What he didn't expect to see was what looked like a family friend to be harassing you and actively misgendering you. Not to mention the invasive questions she has the gall to ask you…

Yakumo

Do you not hear the awful things this person is calling you? Girl? She? WIFE!? No no no, why aren't you correcting her? No sooner does the question run through his mind does he notice the tired and worn down look on your face. Like you've been through this a thousand times before and you're just waiting for it to be over again.

Anxiety be damned, he approaches the table as confidently as he could. Back straight but his fingers were laced together.

“Excuse me, you're making him uncomfortable.” His voice was quiet yet firm.

“Oh sweetie, no it's fine I know her mother.” She tried to wave him off, totally dismissing his presence.

“You're being rude. You should apologize to him.” They go back and forth like this for a minute before he gets really upset. So he turns his back to her and faces you directly. “I love you so much and you deserve so much better. When you're done working I'm going to make your favorite meal and we will cuddle until you feel better, okay?” His words are soft and caring. You know he wants nothing more than to take you out of this situation but knows he can't make a scene at your job.

When you get home he will do everything he can to remind you how masculine and perfect you are to him. He feels regret and wishes he could have done more in the moment, but also didn't want to get you in trouble at work or with your family.

Edmond

It takes him a moment to figure out what he's going to say. He is still cautious about having people know he is in a relationship with you, just for security reasons. So he can't just say “stop calling my boyfriend a girl.”. Ultimately he marches up to the table, stares the woman down, and in no uncertain terms tells her that her behavior is unacceptable.

“He has corrected you twice and you are actively disrespecting him by ignoring his claims.”

“If someone as bigoted as you frequents this establishment I can't imagine how much longer this shop will last.” As if on cue your manager rushes out to see what the fuss is about. Having an incident with the leader of the guards would be terrible for the cafe's reputation. After Edmond explained what happened your manager sided with him and basically gave her an ultimatum.

“Respect my employees or get out.”

She tried for a minute to get other patrons of the store to side with her but anybody who looked at the situation and saw Edmund standing there with his arms crossed knew better than to get involved. Unfortunately, instead of apologizing she simply left the store muttering curse words under her breath.

Olivine

He is probably the most polite of everyone here. He will ask the table if he can sit with them (of course they say yes because who's going to say no to Father Olivine). His heart breaks when he hears her nonsense tangent about “The great God of Klein made such a beautiful girl but she's wasting it by dressing like a man.”

It's so satisfying watching Olivine preach about how the God of Klein values individuals and makes their hearts perfect. “If his heart is a man's, then who are we to deny the great God of Klein’s judgment?” Everything she says to justify her transphobia he politely and lovingly shuts her down. “Those kinds of ideas are corrupting. Please, I think you should visit the temple and reflect on your own judgments.”

It's amazing watching her excuses be chipped away by someone who genuinely wants the best for people.

Quincy

He probably won't be quick to swoop in and “save you”. Honestly, he just wanted to hang out in your cafe while you worked. But now his day is ruined because somebody is upsetting his boyfriend, and clearly not respecting you no matter how many times you tried correcting them.

He quietly walks up behind you, his large frame casting a shadow over both you and the woman.

“See. That's what a real man looks like. Sweetie you could never compare so stop pretending.” The sickly sweet tone in her voice, the false compassion and pity left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He puts his hand on your shoulder and squeezes harder than intended. “This is what a real man looks like.” His voice was colder than any tone he's ever used around you before. You could feel the chill in your veins despite not being on the receiving end. You could see she was feeling the same effect you were, but much worse.

She stuttered as she tried to defend her transphobic views. Quincy stayed eerily silent until she was done spewing her bull shit. She took his silence as acceptance and by the end of her justification she gained a shit eating grin.

“If I ever hear you say that nonsense again I'm going to feed you to the bears in the wood territory.” Her face went pale as she realized he was not joking. Slowly she nodded her head, not wanting to make any sudden movements. Topper squeaked angrily at her and without another word Quincy returned to his seat. You could feel the warmth of his hand lingering on your shoulder even after he walked away, and the woman kept sneaking glances at him throughout her visit just to make sure he hadn't gotten up to do anything.

You know he didn't mean that threat seriously…right?

Kuya

He spent the better part of an hour watching you work before this family friend came in, just enjoying people watching and keeping an eye on you. That was until this family ‘friend’ came and started talking to you. Sitting just far enough away to make it difficult to hear what she was saying. Difficult, but he could still hear the pointed ‘she’s and ’her’s she spat. He didn't really care at first, not until he noticed you getting visibly uncomfortable. Normally he takes great pleasure in watching you squirm but this was different. This made him fume in a way he didn't know he could feel. Now isn't the time to think of his own feelings though, now was the time to make them stop.

He called you away from her table and asked you to make him something really quick. Probably something simple like a sandwich, but something that'll take you just enough time to get back so he can work. The moment you are out of the main dining area and in the kitchen he gets up and gingerly sits across the table from the surprised woman.

“I have something I think you should know~” He said in his normal sing-songy voice, curling his finger so she'll lean over the table for him. Slowly and clearly he whispers something in her ear, making sure she understood every word before leaning back in his seat to marvel at the appalled and horrified look on her face.

By the time you came back only a minute later she was gone and Kuya was back lazing in his seat, a sly smile on his face.

Blade

Sweet boy doesn't understand what the person is saying is malicious. It just turns into a back and forth of “darling is a boy” and “no she's a girl.” with both sides escalating until your manager skurries over to make them stop. When she stands up aggressively Blade almost goes into full protection mode.

You and your manager shift your focus from her to him. Blade doesn't stand down until you are holding him back and your manager kicking her out of the store.

When he comes back to his senses all he sees is you hugging him and he is happy as a clam. He doesn't even realize he almost went on a murder spree. Your manager is very tired and lets you go home early with Blade, just so he doesn't have to worry about Blade making another scene.

Garu

He hears everything that she's saying to you. Every nasty use of the wrong pronouns just made his fur prickle. His first instinct is to approach and get between you two but you've scolded him before about getting in the way of your job. His ears are pinned back against his head as he stares at the two of you.

He was patient enough to wait for you to be done taking her order. As soon as you leave her table he calls you over. “Are you okay? Why didn't you say anything? Do you need help?” His bombardment of questions hit you like a flood. His eyes were wide as he stared at you, practically staring into your soul. As you two were standing so close he could clearly smell the anxiety wafting off of you. He wanted to get rid of that smell, wanted the woman who caused it to go away, he just wanted to see you smile.

“It's okay Garu. She'll leave soon and I'll be fine.” You gave him a soft smile. His kindness always tugged at your heart.

“But she's upsetting my boyfriend!” He raised his voice a little as he was getting upset again. Not to the point of yelling but definitely to the point where she could hear you. It wasn't intentional but her face went red anyway. You gave him a quick kiss before thanking him and returning to your work.

She didn't bother you the rest of the time.

Karu

If you don't try to correct her misgendering you he will be confused but can wait to ask you about it later. However when you correct her and she blatantly starts calling you a girl more. He's on his feet ready to bite at a moment's notice.

“Shut up you hag. He told you he's a boy so now you're just being dumb!”

“Who are you calling dumb you little freak!?”

It does not take long for a full fledged brawl to break out between the two of them. You grab Karu by the arms and try your best to pull them off while other onlookers jump in and try to pull the woman away. Once the two are separated profanities are the only thing you can hear being screamed across the room. Both of them are kicked out of the cafe but she needs stitches and Karu successfully “defended your honor” so at least he's satisfied. You are put on clean up duty for the mess your boyfriend made, but secretly it did make you happy knowing just how far he'll go to make you feel seen.

Dante

Her face lit up when she saw Dante staring at you. Dante, the perfect specimen of a man. Smart, strong, handsome, and most importantly powerful. “Oh! Sun lord, don't you think she would make such a good wife!” She points at you, you are clearly upset and uncomfortable and it makes his blood boil.

“Absolutely not.” Her expression immediately fell at his words but she gained a wicked smile when she thought of a response.

“Oh dear, it's because she's so masculine. I keep telling her it's really unattractive and she won't ever find a good-” Dante's hot glare was enough to shut her up for a moment. The way he straightened his back and lifted his chin just to further look down on her gave you goosebumps.

“Let me be clear on one thing. He would make an awful wife, but is an exceptional boyfriend.” The woman was immediately shot down and put in her place. You're relatives that were sitting at the table awkwardly look away like they don't know anyone in this building. It's hard to tell what felt better, the butterflies in your stomach or the sweet taste of justice.

Rei

It's very simple actually. The solution to this problem is to buy a cup of coffee, go over to the table, and dump the hot coffee on the a-hole who insisted on misgendering you.

“Oops I didn't see you there. I must be as blind as you are.” And the entire time he maintained eye contact with her just daring her to say something. She, of course, starts screaming and throwing a tantrum. A string of “how dare you!” and “don't you know who I am!” came out with her shrill screeching.

He just shrugged and replied “I don't care who you are but anyone who disrespects my boyfriend like that means nothing to me. Frankly you're worse than scum and should be disgusted with yourself, but I know your type has no self awareness anyway.”

Eiden

He knows her type, he's dealt with them plenty of times in his world. He hates how she is talking about you, misgendering you and acting like you aren't even there. He's getting mad but he knows better than to make a scene in front of your family. So the next best thing to do is correct her.

He walks up beside you and puts an arm over your shoulder casually. “Oh? There's a pretty girl around here, where?”

She rolls her eyes when she looks at him. “You're leaning on her.”

Eiden looks to you then back to her, his eyes wide in fake bewilderment. “Ma'am are you feeling well? This is my boyfriend. He's very handsome, but pretty is not a word I would use to describe him.”

“Well she was born a girl so she's a girl.”

“Ah, so that explains why you're such a big baby!”

It's hard to hold back your laughter as her face turned bright red. For every other stupid transphobic comment she tried to make Eiden had a witty comment ready to shut her up.

“Well, gender is what's in her pants.”

“I was in his pants last night, so I guess I'm his gender.” Now your face went bright red as you lightly punched him in the arm which only made him laugh. His laugh was contagious, and the look on her face was satisfying.

Even the red hot glare she shot at you after a bit of your laugh slipped out didn't bother you anymore because Eiden was waiting to make her look a fool if she even tried to say something else about you.

Aster

He's not normally one to make a big scene so he doesn't move to confront her until after you've gone back to the kitchen to place her tables order.

“Hi, I couldn't help but notice your super cute top! That’s a Devilicious brand shirt right?”

Her face brightened when someone recognized her expensive brand of clothes. “Yes it is! I shop there all the time.” She bragged.

“What shop do you go to?”

“The one in water territory is my favorite, it has the best shirts but not as many shoes.”

“Hmmm good to know. I'm their supplier so I'm going to have them ban you from the store. I don't need bigots tarnishing my brand's name.” The way her face fell from pompous to petrified made Asters chest fill with pride. She scrambled to try and defend herself.

“What do you mean bigot?! I'm a good person.”

“Weren't you just calling that man a girl? He even corrected you.”

“No, no, you don't understand. I know her family and she is a girl.” When you came out you could see the sweat on her brow.

“Well he's my boyfriend and I don't care what his family lets you get away with calling him. Enjoy getting your Devilicious second hand.” He laughed as he walked past you and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek. “See you at home treasure.” And he was gone, leaving her in her booth on the verge of a crisis.

“What did I miss?”

Morvay

Oh he can feel his blood boiling every time she insults you like that. Not to mention nobody else at the table is even trying to defend you! Unacceptable.

He comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, and buries his face into your neck. He's practically spooning you while standing up. “Mmmm when is my husband going to give me the attention I need?” he whines into your ear.

“Babe I'm done in an hour, please be patient.” Embarrassed, you try to wiggle out of his grasp but he doesn't budge. Instead he nudges his head deeper into your neck. You almost squeak when his lips brush against your soft spot.

“But I don't want to wait that long to suck your dick!” He loudly whines so the whole restaurant can hear. The sound that followed was defining. You firmly ushered him back to his table, begging him to behave until you aren't in public. He sighs wistfully but agrees.

His plan worked though. Anytime the jerk tried to misgender you the entire store of eavesdroppers gave her a collective confused look and she was socially forced to correct herself. No matter what she would try to say people are going to believe Morvays very personal claim over hers.

[mothmanssweetsucculentass]

Lmao what’s this? I’m back with more Creepypasta headcanons, this time for Eyeless Jack.

TW for the following: graphic descriptions of cannibalism/murder/gore, depictions of drug abuse, lacing food with sharp objects, body horror, and generally anything you’d expect from horror.

THERE ARE NO CENSORS BEYOND THIS POINT, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DISTRESS CAUSED BY MY WRITING.

Eyeless Jack Headcanons

He/they

Obviously no longer human

Still has a humanoid-ish body

“Died” around 2011, physically 22

Dark gray skin with a faint blue-ish tint

His blood is black. Like it’s basically oil or tar now. Moves much slower and is thicker than normal blood. He hasn’t checked but he’s pretty sure all his organs share the same color and viscosity now. Like that one breed of chicken with black organs y’know?

Long ears

Lots of sharp teeth. Practically a shark mouth

Y’know what, I like you. Gives your EJ a jaw that unhinges, a mouth that rips open, and a second jaw further back in his mouth (eel jaw EJ supremacy)

3+ long black tongues depending on his mood and how well fed they are

Because of the multiple mouth appendages he has a soft lisp and often accidentally bites his tongues since they move involuntarily

Eyes are constantly leaking the black sludge. Clothing/face/belongings are always sticky

Constantly salivating the same substance, just thinner/more liquidy

Wears a surgical mask under his regular mask to combat it

Very good sense of smell

Seriously he could smell a specific blood type in the middle of a massacre of a shit ton of bodies

Can’t swim

Reddish-brown wavy hair, forgets to cut it sometimes so he sometimes has a fluffy mullet

Claws that can’t retract

Wears a black trench coat and dark gray turtleneck when actually going out and doing shit, the black hoodie is lounge clothes

Has a tail!!!! Closest resemblance to a lion tail, but larger

Lots of catlike/animal like behaviors unconsciously. Will sit on any elevated surface

Purrs like holy fuck the first time someone hears him do it they freak out

Can also growl and hiss

Despite the animalistic behaviors and feral demeanor he isn’t above being civilized

Mostly calm. Gets the zoomies after eating tho

And by zoomies I mean he’s more excitable and extroverted for a little while

Has probably ran around the woods like a maniac at least once tho

Besides Nurse Ann, he’s the most medically competent of the pastas. People usually go to him for more major injuries or sicknesses

Despite his constant orifice leakage he tries to be as clean as possible

His lab is SPOTLESS

somehow figured out a way to dilute his face goop to clean it better. No one knows how he does it tho

Is still very much a nerd. Loves reading any kind of book he can get his hands on

Starts going blind if he doesn’t satiate his hunger for flesh and organs

If he goes blind before getting food, he’s able to use echolocation pretty damn well

Can also see thermal outlines of stuff if his vision starts going

Eyes aren’t reflective so it’s pretty funny when he’s gargoyling somewhere in the manor in pitch black and someone walks in and gets startled by him sitting there staring into the void

HOW are his footsteps so silent

Dude you’re 5”8 and have a stockier build how do you not make floorboards creek

Can eat normal food, but poses no nutritional value to him

Can halfway survive off raw animal meat in emergencies, but doesn’t give him enough energy for long

Only fully kills someone about once a month, the rest of the time he’s able to meticulously and stealthily steal a kidney from unsuspecting victims without incident

Not that he hates killing or anything like that, he’s just as violent as the rest of the freaks

But he HATES the feeling of losing control he often gets when he indulges the violent urges. So he holds himself back most of the time

Besides murder and organ harvesting he often goes out to steal medical supplies from houses and smaller town clinics

Remember him being a nerd? Likes to impress people with gross biology trivia. Most are about the human body but he knows a ton of animal facts too

“Did you know flies and roaches can still live without their heads” type shit

Can’t cook for shit. He’s not allowed in the kitchen period after one of his organ jars exploded in the fridge due to air pressure bs. Ruined all the food in there

Stores his organs in four different mini fridges in his room and lab

Kidneys give him the most energy but he enjoys flesh more than organs when it comes to taste

His favorite is cheek meat and anything involving the neck

Loves to burst the carotid artery and mess around with the blood like a sprinkler toy

Gives the bones of any corpse he fully consumes to Slender. Has no idea what he needs the bones for but never cares to ask

Friends/close with Ben, Helen, Liu, Ann, Masky, and Hoody

Has a tolerable relationship with Jeff, Kagekao, Slenderman, the Puppeteer, Jane, and Clockwork

Doesn’t get along with/hates LJ and Nina

Sally is TERRIFIED of him. Y’know cause little kids are scared of the doctor and whatnot. He tries his best to be as unintimidating as possible when around her but she still prefers Ann over him

HATES being called EJ. It’s a horrible nickname. What if he walked up to you and called you legless Larry after cutting off your legs?

Abrosexual

Loves loves loves LOVES doing dissections/vivisections. Has somehow been able to convince or bribe the other undead and non human mansion inhabitants to let him do a vivisection on them at least once.

Ben enjoyed it the most because he’s a freak like that

“And this is your heart” “gross……. can I poke it” “yeah ok”

Is unfortunately able to understand the corrupt scripts of [REDACTED] thanks to the ritual that took his eyes and life. Tries his best to ignore it.

Nightmare haver! Is too stubborn to go to someone like Ben or Slender to get them less frequently even though both could easily help him

Kind of an insomniac anyways but since his face is almost always covered no one notices the eye bags

Usually takes the top layer mask off around his friends, or if the other masked pastas take theirs off around them as a sign of mutual trust

Surgical mask on their face stays on constantly unless eating or doing anything privately

Has to keep the meds locked up because Ben, Masky, and Jeff have drug problems

“STOP trying to get high off Benadryl it’s not even allergy season anymore you don’t need it”

Not a “dad” character he just doesn’t like wasting resources like that

Doesn’t care about the actual habits JUST STOP STEALING HIS MEDS

LJ for some reason keeps stealing any of his used needles and scalpels. Jack’s best bet is he puts the sharp objects in candy. Gross.

He’s befriended Seedeater the same way a zookeeper befriends a large dangerous animal

Both have a mutual understanding Seed is NOT a pet

It hasn’t even let them pet or touch it

Does follow him closely like a dog whenever he walks through the forest for any reason

Jack has witnessed it take down and decapitate a bear with a single bite before

If he ever has leftovers or parts of corpses about to go bad that they can’t eat himself, they feed it to Seed

Has a small collection of the black fur and feathers that naturally shed from Seed’s body

Also collects other odd things like animal bones or human teeth

His favorite weird thing they’ve collected is a taxidermied axolotl stolen from a victim’s home

Is also super blunt

Not out of malice, he just has a very technical straightforward way of thinking

Always asks anyone for consent when doing anything physical like medical procedures or even just nudging someone out of the way if he’s trying to get somewhere

HATES being touched without their permission or knowledge

Will bite if provoked. Will bite as a warning too

[discluded]

MileApo and the rise of Thai soft power

Mile and Apo talking about the Thai period film at the Vogue Thailand Gala on 2022/9/21

I've been meaning to sit down and write about this for a while now, ever since I saw the pattern of Mile and Apo injecting it into their talking points about the 2023 historical film, but it's taken some an effort to actually lay it out. Hopefully the time I sat with it will make the it a more insightful, rich reading experience.

Disclaimers:

(1) I have no formal experience in international relations aside from reading and watching the news, but my strong point is research. Folks with a more formal backgrounds in policsci or IR are welcome to add their input!

(2) Comments about policies or political actions of nations, whether positive, neutral or negative, are not meant to reflect on private individuals of the nationality, even those with a notable amount of social-cultural capital. Private individuals, despite their positions of social influence, most often have little to no individual influence on a policy level**.

So without further ado:

What is soft power? (aka soft power for dummies)

Joseph Nye, a then-Harvard professor, coined the term soft power in the 1980s/early 90s. He described it as:

“A country’s ability to influence the preferences and behaviors of various actors in the international arena (states, corporations, communities, publics etc.) through attraction or persuasion rather than coercion.”

In his book Bound to Lead, Nye established that three prongs of a country's soft power were its culture, its political values, and its policies. Here are two different graphics that further break down what those look like when evaluating soft power in practice.

If you feel like all the above is still vague to the point of unparsable in an applied context, I spent the majority of the time researching how to demystify the term especially in the way MileApo discuss it, and found this great explainer:

A strong nation brand and positive soft power perceptions allow a nation to promote itself as a place for people to visit, invest in, and build a reputation for their quality of goods and services. [...] it is often overlooked that a strong nation brand and soft power can deliver better outcomes at home. Primarily it encourages domestic tourism, the consumption of domestic goods and services (rather than imports). Less tangibly it also just makes people feel better about their country.

Expressed in this context, soft power can be understood as the act of building trust in the cultural products of a nation domestically -- some more abstract in the form of art (music, film) and culture, some more concrete like products including fashion and beauty -- in a manner to appeal to its own citizens while also broadening the appeal of cultural goods abroad in a which can drive international tourism, trade, and commerce.

In other words: yes, our collective desire to actually taste Farmhouse bread.

The Thai government and the push for soft power

While my interest in this topic was originally piqued by MileApo's comments, soft power policy has to originate at the government level. Note again that Nye's definition of soft power is centered around "a country’s ability to influence", therefore soft power policy must always formally be expressed nationally.

Around the time MileApo consistently began promoting soft power in alignment with the period film, I noticed a slew of references in Bangkok Post, one of the reputable English online publications based in Thailand.

Back tracking through some of the articles as a reflection of national conversation, since 2020, there has been a consistent theme in terms of what the government is attempting and how well it's going (or not going):

On Thailand's soft power and positioning in the world, Feb 2020:

According to Kitti Prasirtsuk of Thammasat University, who has carried out extensive research into Thailand's branding and repositioning in the age of interconnectedness and social media, Thailand and its culture, values and foreign policy have charisma and high persuasive power which can attract admiration and cooperation. But the Thai people and bureaucrats must change their mindset and perceptions and appreciate their country in real terms first before they take up new challenges.

Within Asean, Thailand is behind Singapore as No.1 [among SE Asian soft power rankings]. The report stated that Thailand has the potential to rise into the top 30 in the world, if the country can strike the right political balance between the rural poor and urban elite. It went on to say that Thailand's weaknesses are problems related to corruption and inequality. It also said that the Thai government is failing to showcase the full potential of Thailand's rich cultural offerings beyond tourism. One more weak link is its poor performance in public diplomacy and digital infrastructure.

(Mile, Apo, and Bible all attended Thammasat University, which is considered one of the premiere universities in Thailand. Apo later transferred and graduated from a different university.)

On Milli, a Thai rapper who performed at Coachella in Spring 2022:

The presence of the 19-year-old rapper Milli at the Coachella Music Festival in the United States has reinvigorated Thailand's soft power ambitions -- an area the Thai government has not fully explored nor exploited. Milli, whose real name is Danupha Khanatheerakul, is the first solo Thai artist to perform at Coachella, a music festival that draws tens of thousands of fans annually.

[Milli's prescence at Coachella] was able to advance Thailand's soft power [in ways previously stalled]. It is not that the government is clueless about "soft power". For decades, governments have focused on presenting Thailand's soft power to the world. However, that iteration of "soft power" mainly consisted of Thai customs and traditions such as food, costume, classical dance, Buddhism rituals and the wai. These aspects of our cultural heritage, despite being charming to foreign tourists, are not sufficient to catapult Thailand's into a stronger position in the global market. Thai cultural heritage has failed to catch up in the digital age…

Milli's song also includes ideas relevant to international audiences. One of her songs openly discusses sexual consent. Being relevant is one of the keys to increasing the nation's presence among diverse populations. The cultural impact made by a young girl like Milli should make the government rethink its cultural promotion strategy. More support is needed for progressive Thai artists and innovators.

An opinion rebuttable on Milli's performance and the government's blundering of reaching for soft power while not meeting basic domestic requirements:

One of the minister's advisers belted out a long speech that did not seem to address how Thailand will become a "soft power" but used the term multiple times. One can't help but wonder if the ministry knows what it is doing, or what the so-called "soft power" it is espousing is about.

Milli's self-taunting line "I don't ride an elephant" may sound a bit old but her rapping about how "the country is good, people are good, our food is good but the government is bood," seems to have struck a chord. "Bood" means rotten in Thai. It is thus understandable if the government was not too coherent when discussing anything about the phenomenon that Milli created. Indeed, [Thailand's Prime Minister] Gen Prayut should feel awkward discussing the "soft power" of Milli and mango sticky rice when he filed a defamation charge against the teen rapper himself back in June last year.

Talented as Milli is, and extraordinary her achievements both locally and at one of the world's most famous music festivals have been, the teenage rapper really has nothing to do with so-called "soft power" which government figures are talking about. Her success is largely individual. Milli created a sensation and a craze. For Thailand's "soft power" to be built, let alone recognised globally, it takes more than one successful artist…

The whole product must be good if it is to exert influence. As experts argued, it takes a wide range of qualities for a country to say it has "soft power". These include the quality of its political institutions, education, digital development, innovation, cultural appeal, strength in arts or business brands. That is why it is odd for everyone to talk about Thailand's "soft power" now when we don't seem to have ticked any of the basic requirements.

On Bangkok International Fashion Week (BIFW):

BIFW2022 has been [a] major and continuing mission to promote and drive Thai fashion to international levels. The event strategically aligns with the government’s strategy to empower Thai fashion industry as fashion is one of the most influential soft power that stimulate economic growth.

Note that multiple actors in BOC walked BIFW2022 in September, as well as multiple actors from other Thai BL shows that aired in 2022.

On the increasing popularity of Thai BL:

Thai BL is now popular across Southeast and East Asia[, and] has been gaining traction in Japan, the home of BL, since 2020. Posters of famous khu jin were put up in a train station. Magazines that cover Thai drama, including BL, are rolled out for the Japanese audience. The Tourism Authority of Thailand has launched a Twitter account that uses BL to engage Japanese consumers. They are conducting research on these issues in the context of soft power.

Yes you read that correctly. No joke, BL as a facet of Thai soft power is so prevalent now that the government is literally tracking its popularity and Twitter conversation around the topic.

So what does this all mean?

Thailand is a country within Asia and internationally that has a lot of appeal as a tourism destination. However, with many competitor alternatives in both entertainment (particularly film and music) and beauty/fashion, which are major drivers soft power within Asia and internationally, and domestic dissidence of policy and politicians due to social conditions, Thai cultural power is not as prominent as it could be and also suffers at the international level.

While there is appeal of specific Thai cultural products internationally (such as Milli at Coachella or in the case of Kinnporsche the Series) the government has failed to activate these prominent media products as part of a cohesive soft power strategy.

However, the government does seem aware of the potential, specifically in the realm of BL. Thailand has always maintained an image of being LGBTQ-friendly among all the Asian countries, and may now be looking to push LGBTQ-aligned media (BL and GL dramas) specifically as part of its soft power strategy to increase pop culture and media appeal.

MileApo on Soft Power

Part of the reason my ears perked up at MileApo's consistent talking point of soft power is again, because even without a polisci background, I'm aware that soft power is expressed at the country policy level. Thus when both of them started specifically using the term to discuss the film in pre-production phase, it got my brain gears turning.

Mile talking about the film on 2022/9/24 at the D7 Grand Opening (vid/txt)

"Nong Po will act with Hia Mile -- please look forward to this movie next year, please look forward to that a lot. We want to expand Thai culture and soft power..." Apo on the Thai period movie at the KPWT Send off on 2022/9/11

Mile Phakphum's speech on Mother's Day in Kalasin, 2022/8/5

Here's what we do know. Apo's dance training for the film is with a teacher affiliated with the academy that also produces dancers who specifically entertain the royal court.

And here is what they individually said in the Vogue Thailand print interview (completed in late August 2022, published October 2022)

And I would be remiss and dishonest to not point out that Mile's family is prominent in Thailand and his mother is part of the Queen's inner circle. Keep in mind that Thailand is a constitutional monarchy where the monarch has limited powers in practice (think: Japan or UK), and Thailand has a history of cyclical political instability that does not displace the monarchy. So believe him when he says he has limited power compared to Kinn. He travels on a private citizen's passport like all the rest of the cast. (Though my eyes start watering when I'm thinking about baby chaebol CEO Mile and destiny.*)

That being said, what these connections likely did get the production team was access to cultural resources such as the dance expert and most likely credentialed historians to consult on the period film. I would surprised if there aren't ministers' offices who are in the loop about film's production in a way they would not pay to other film or show production teams. I'm sure we will find out more about the interesting and important people involved in the production process around the time the film is released.

Another aspect that stood out to me is the fact that Mile and Apo, neither of whom have policy backgrounds, started iterating the discussion point of soft power in a way you don't see Milli, or Mew Suppassit (who let's not forget was also a RSIFF invitee and the first Thai artist to break into the Billboard World Song Chart), talk about it. Mew actually has talked about soft power a couple of times, but only in the context that he is part of a cultural wave that can increase Thailand's influence globally and never specifically in relation to a project he is promoting. That speaks a lot to the team behind the scenes involved in the writing and consulting (and marketing) process of the 2023 historical film.

The timeline of when these comments popped up is also interesting. While they do coincide with the release of the trailer post KPWT Bangkok, most likely what's happening during this time period is that BOC and more specifically Mile is shopping for sponsors to the project.

Think about Mile speaking about Thailand soft power to an audience of mostly older businesspeople at the mother's day event -- what would the purpose be except an ask for partnership on a project that he is on, which can become a vehicle for Thai products both domestically and globally? Look at the timing of the announcement of the Srichand partnership (end of August), and how successfully that broken the brand into the lucrative Chinese market, moving millions of THB worth of product for a brand that had struggled to get any traction previously. While Srichand's focus is currently on China, working with a Thai beauty brand for a film where the trailer highlighted many historical makeup elements is an actually ideal brand partnership and project alignment.

(Sadly for us, I don't think the film will be the second longest bread commercial in existence. But based on the Farmhouse CEO's comments, I would be unsurprised if they signed on to support the film project too. Ancient Thai bread I guess *jazz hands*)

In Conclusion

MileApo's soft power talking point was an intentional move specifically to shop the film project around for sponsors. The Srichand partnership proved MA-as-a-brand's ability to move product in a lucrative, hard-to-crack foreign market, though Srichand (and Giffarine) as brands aren't necessarily able to stand in the market independently as of yet. Their past brand partnerships' success simultaneously showed how lucrative it is to book MA for a product domestically. I'm sure we'll see a slew of new interesting sponsors and brand partnerships this year. This is only the beginning of MA's power as a cultural brand domestically and internationally.

Mile and Apo have also expressed their pride in the past in being cultural ambassadors of Thailand, both at the RSIFF and when speaking about engaging tourists who are visiting Thailand. Their praise of Thai products (for example, the artistry of Thai silk in the Vogue Th Gala interview) and their active choice to work with mostly Thai brands speaks to their values as businessmen who genuinely want to uplift Thailand's influence in the global market.

That being said, the Thai cultural ministry cannot rely on a single cultural emissary to advance its soft power agenda globally, and as of right now, despite ...some attempts, a cohesive government strategy around soft power does not exist.

MileApo have demostrated their brand has strong impact, and that they can influence purchase behavior internationally (e.g., KPWT ticket sales, Srichand) in ways many Thai media figures have not been able to as of yet. But they are not formally tied to the Thai government, nor should the government intervene and attempt to direct artistic expression.

Culture is one aspect of soft power, and political/humanitarian expression is another major component that advances an international soft power agenda. There are already articles discussing Thailand's problems of political corruption and self/journalistic censorship due to political conditions that prevent full freedom of expression. But that's the government's problem to address that. There is a lot of unharvested potential in multiple realms.

This essay is not about that though. I'm just a fan.

Can it be December 2023 yet 🥺

Additional notes that don't fit into the essay under the cut:

(1) There was a lot of fandom hand-wringing in August and September about Apo publicly having working dinners with Pond over the film project. Let's not forget Mile is someone who cares deeply about the art he makes, and he and Apo both have said multiple times they talk almost nightly about their artistic intent. If Mile talks to Apo and Apo was talking to Pond, why would Mile, a person who cares deeply about art, not be talking to Pond in pre-production? Obviously the answer is a division of labor in the relationship: Mile was working on funding which is just as important, and Mile also needs to sleep and rest and not work. There wouldn't be anyone else he would trust to convey his artistic intent to the director except for Apo. True power couple behavior right there.

(2) * everyday I go feral over baby chaebol CEO Mile. If someone made a kdrama about a handsome chaebol baby who was a CEO but also an actor and model who met his soulmate in university but it was a missed connection and then the soulmate went on to become a famous actor/model who quit because of bullying, but then they met again when the baby chaebol WHO IS STILL A CEO BUT ALSO AN ACTOR met at an audition for a drama... *foams at mouth* I would call this show bizarre, nonsensical and incoherent, and yet HERE WE ARE IN REAL LIFE. The jetsetting supermodel with wealthy CEO part of reality which is now bending around MileApo so they can live their wattpad fanfic life. What the hell am I looking at, I ask myself every day.

(3) ** this statement does not include billionaires like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos whose net worth exceeds those of small and mid-sized countries. Per today's estimate, ~50 people/families have more wealth than 90 of 190 countries. If your net worth can run the economy of half the countries in the world, then your wealth/resources hoarding behavior can control what the media says and influence otherwise free and fair elections.

Once again, Some of you need some contextualization of how comfortably wealthy vs. billionaire resource-hoarding rich looks like.

[readandlisten]

Shouting

Contains content describing a disruptive home, no violence or physical abuse

Once upon a time you looked into my eyes and saw the future,

A grey gaze reflected back, and laughter followed, cut and punctured

The love in your heart grew to hold mine,

But conditions were placed, for a dangerous time

When the laughs came less, and you had to work harder,

The betrayal hit, a fire made with a quick, igniting starter.

Burns felt like blows, and voices turned louder,

There was aggression in every question,

no answer, to maintain your power

And the blame went to me,

Your 12 year old girl,

Being asked to turn her cheek,

And silence the burning rage,

I was told to “just sit there and behave.”

But when the adults acted like children,

And tempers were flaring,

The true adolescent erupts,

Exploding, imploding, not caring

A time bomb that was set,

When her mouth was washed with soap,

No example was around to model respect or give hope

Children are seen and not heard,

But I was too loud.

Attention was stollen,

Given to a different crowd.

And there I sat,

Waiting with angst,

Needing comfort,

And love,

A hug, an embrace

Slowly it came,

When my body began to falter,

Patience returned,

I was placed on an alter.

A place to rest,

Or Sacrifice my body,

The affection came quicker,

But repairs to my heart were quite shoddy

my body healed again,

And Withdrawn was the love,

And patience dissipated,

Pushed out with a shove,

Again she’s too loud,

She has too many needs,

Toughen her up,

It won’t make her bleed

So reality hit,

There’s no way out,

My life would forever be followed by shouts

I’ve accepted my fate,

Made peace with the loud,

Learned to crumple a little less when harsh words are around

I will do better for myself, my children, my spouse,

There will be peace, hope and patience, when I’m in my own house

Until then, I’ll find security in my own mind,

Carve a piece of my heart, to treat myself kind,

I’ll do it day in and day out,

And Once every night,

I love my loud voice, and my brilliant mind,

I deserve to have hugs, and I’ll accept what I get, I’m cared for and valued and will be self confident.

I can do hard things, and the future can change,

Patterns and behaviors don’t have to be the same.

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my body that carry’s this baggage behind, the weight on my shoulders can feel a bit lighter, because when I love myself, I set down the igniter.

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my round belly, and I’m patient, I’m kind, I love the style I choose, my tattoos and my scars,

the loud voices around me, I’ll send them out far, my voice is true, it deserved to be heard, so I’ll say it again, for that 12 year old girl

I love my loud voice and my brilliant mind,

I love my round belly, and I’m patient and kind,

I love the styles I choose, my tattoos and my scars,

I’m proud of myself, I shine like a star,

I love my face, and the smiles it shares,

I know I have empathy and the capacity to care.

I love myself for days when I could not,

I love her yesterday, today and for years- I won’t stop.

[rainbowsky]

The Road is Long

By now most people have likely heard some mutterings about shakeups in turtledom. Let's talk about that a bit.

Disclaimer: As always, everything I say is a reflection of my own understanding of things, my own values and ideas and opinions. There are precious few verified facts available here, so we can never know for sure what the real truth is. Therefore, don't take what I say as fact. It's just my opinion, some melancholy musings, and a bit of CPN. Totally fake, of course.

Today is a day of tremendous grief among turtles, as it is believed by many that the person who was handling the LRLG posts has been shifted off of DD's staff. They made a contribution to the rumor house saying simply, "See you next time."

When I saw that I was heartbroken, as were many turtles. If you've been following LRLG at all, "See you next time" has frequently been their sign-off when making a post. If it's a goodbye, it would be a fitting - and poignant - one, made sadder by the context of this situation.

It's also an important reminder that nothing is permanent. We may see more from LRLG one day.

As of my screen cap, the post already has 18,000 comments. Most of them are tearful and grateful, showering LRLG in thanks for all the blessings and stories they've shared with us. Turtles are crying together, sharing supportive messages and gratitude, and being overall the sweet-hearted people they tend to be. Just loving GG and DD and restating their commitment to support them both through thick and thin.

The top comment is a photo of some turtle graffiti, saying, "The summer that belongs to us, no one can take away."

Of course, it wouldn't be a turtle post without some CPN, and many turtles have been pointing out that if the staff changes and removal of LRLG is real, then all the posts from LRLG are likely also real.

But we already knew that. LRLG has come through with proven messages time and again. This is just more confirmation of what many turtles already believed.

But why is this happening?

No one knows the whole story, and most of it is speculation based on various events and situations that have been unfolding over the past several months. However, the generally accepted narrative at this point is that DD's management has begun to cave under pressure from toxic solo fans who have been pushing a lot of demands, causing a lot of commotion and threatening to boycott the YH concert next month.

Up until recently DD's team has been completely ignoring these behaviors (and IMHO, rightly so). No one knows why the approach has shifted, but there are a lot of possible reasons. One of the likeliest being that investors/backers in DD's career and projects, and in YH (since it's now on the HK stock exchange) have caught wind of the toxic fan situation and are getting nervous.

From the perspective of a single-minded moneybags it looks a lot like DD's team isn't keeping the traffic happy, which wouldn't bode well for their bottom line. So of course, they will want something done to restore order.

What they don't appear to be aware of is just how much of DD's traffic is from turtles. As CP fans, turtles don't have the status to make demands like solos do (nor are they so toxic), so they just have to sit by and watch these changes that are harming turtles. They have no recourse.

Some turtles are disillusioned with DD because they've always seen him as the guy who would never back down. Some are angry and hurt and turning away from DD because of it.

What they don't seem to realize is that it's completely out of DD's hands. He would not be at liberty to go against what his backers want. They will no doubt have convincing reasons why this is what's best for his career, and why it's necessary.

This is just more of the squeeze GG and DD have been under from the beginning. They are commodities - they are businesses. GG said it in his interview not long ago. They all work for 'the star'.

“There are two Xiao Zhans, one of them is here, that’s me. There is another Xiao Zhan, the Xiao Zhan in quotes, but he is probably not me anymore. We are all working for him, including myself.”

As businesses that employ a lot of workers and bring in a lot of money, GG and DD aren't at liberty to do whatever they want. They have financial and contractual considerations to deal with. They have reputational and governmental issues to deal with.

The central focus of business and financial entities is always how to avoid and mitigate risk. To those with a stake in GG and DD's careers (and with every new project and endorsement the number of stakeholders grows), the important thing is to ensure maximum profitability with minimum risk. Fan wars represent risk. Toxic solo demands represent risk. Fan boycotts represent serious risk. Turtles - to some degree I'm sure in the minds of many - represent risk. Danmei and all things associated with it represents risk.

If GG and DD want to keep doing what they do, they will have to keep these stakeholders happy. They have a financial and contractual obligation to do so.

The reality is, we've always known GG and DD are in a precarious position. We've always known the government is against danmei. We've always known that things were tightening up and getting worse and worse every year.

Turtles have no standing as fans. As I've said many times when talking about endorsement brand candies, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken into consideration when calculating GG and DD's fan bases and fan power. When everyone is sitting around the table having deep conversations about how to keep fans happy, it's highly unlikely that turtles are taken much into consideration, if at all.

DD's team has been ignoring toxic motos and their demands, but they've only gotten worse. They've been leaving hateful comments and lists of demands in response to everything his team posts, and elsewhere. They reported YH to the government for unfair ticketing of the concert*. They've been vocal enough that stakeholders and even some passersby will be aware of their discontent. They've been threatening to boycott the YH family concert next month (which, by the way, turtles have stepped up and bought all the tickets motos refused to buy, and will be making a big showing there).

*And they apparently discovered in response that YH isn't the producer of the show, it's produced by another company in a province that the gov't department doesn't have jurisdiction over. So there are theories that maybe the ticketing approach was part of the production agreement.

And it seems finally someone came along and demanded that DD's team does something to appease these toxic little bitches motos. These aren't just some random group of fans, they're organized and ring-led by DD's biggest fan club. That's the sort of thing that will make stakeholders nervous.

The changes to his Weibo bio are likely part of this - not necessarily directly as a result of motos, but also because of what I was talking about before - risk. Danmei is officially condemned by the government. CQL is a danmei drama.

And some of the changes to his team seem to have happened long before now. Remember, we used to get a lot of exciting, affectionate, interesting content from YBO. The video updates, the comic strips, the little anecdotes from his daily life. All of that has gone away a long time ago, and we've been getting increasingly dry, increasingly unimaginative, officious updates (maybe time to rebrand as 'Yibo Officious' 🤔?).

More of that is likely to come. DD's team appears to be wielding a sledgehammer now, not a poet's pen. Just this morning they posted some photos from DD's Moncler event, and attempted to crudely photoshop the numbers from his sleeve.

For those who were unaware, the text on the sleeve reads: "MF: 032/33." This is a Moncler FRGMT varsity jacket with a limited edition of 33 in the world. DD's is 32 of 33. (And has a big yellow flower on it, I might add.)

Why would they try to hide that DD is wearing one of only 33 jackets that exist in the world? Obviously because 32 is a number that will be associated with turtles/GG. But in attempting to obscure it they are acknowledging that it's a CP number. And who chose that number?

Well, repos say that DD spent a lot of time trying on clothes and deciding on an outfit, and we know how much he loves the numbers 2 and 3 (ai zan - love Zhan). The kadian of the jacket would read, "Zhan love/ZhanZhan."

As some c-turtles have rightly pointed out: the team can photoshop the numbers, but they can't stop him choosing them. They can remove LRLG, but they can't stop him choosing to award a prize to the seat at row 2 #30 (and then switching it to row 3 #20 when he was told there weren't 30 seats in each row) at the Chunzhen brand event, and they can't stop him from sitting in seat #5 at the Born to Fly theater during ADLAD. They can change the time when photos are posted on Weibo, but they can't change the time he sets his watch to in the photo.

EDIT: I have a theory about why this whole photoshop thing might not be as bad as it seems. More about that here.

DD will always be DD. He will always love GG. He will always care about turtles. He will always need (and deserve) our support. If he loses it, then the motos win. Don't let them succeed at their nefarious, hateful agenda. DD doesn't deserve that.

Is this the right move for DD's career?

I was among those who thought DD's team would never back down. They'd held strong for many months. But we should never underestimate the driving force of money, and like it or not (and correctly or incorrectly), in the eyes of investors motos represent traffic and profit. The money men will take over the vehicle if they feel its heading in the wrong direction. They don't care what they destroy if it saves their bottom line. But will it work?

Only time will tell, but I'm unconvinced right now. For a few reasons:

Everyone knows, paid ransom only leads to more kidnappings. The more management teams cave in to toxic fans, the more toxic they become. The more emboldened they become. The more they sharpen their knives and shoot off their mouths. It's only going to get worse. And we're talking about people who are already so full of themselves that they physically attack turtles at events. How much worse will it get? What will their next demands be?

Motos' ability to carry traffic is questionable. While DD is consistently doing well, his fans aren't doing anything spectacular for his endorsements or projects. BAH, Luoyang, his films, they did well but weren't the blockbusters some were expecting. And turtles are pulling a LOT of weight for him. If the goals of solos were successful and turtles were gone and it was only motos left, what would that look like? Maybe it's an inferiority complex from constantly being outgunned by shrimps, but I think motos vastly overestimate their own power as a group.

Further to my previous point, turtles are more powerful than they get credit for. They are constantly counted out and underestimated. DD's team might have factored the risk of upsetting solos, but I doubt they've fully calculated the risk and potential harm of alienating turtles. Although my belief (and hope) is that turtles will stay strong. Turtles have taken so many blows over the years, and they still hold the line. As one turtle heartbreakingly put it in response to LRLG's post, "😭😭😭😭😭😭I cry and I cry for nothing else. It's because the two treasures are too difficult and wronged 🥺🥺🥺 Please rest assured that we will never let go of our original intention to protect them 💚❤️💛 we will never break our promise." Some turtles get it, and it only makes them stronger and more committed. Others will be hurt and walk away. And while GG and DD are going to be fine, while their careers will likely continue to thrive, there is something special that turtles give them that is irreplaceable. If things take a bad turn with this team it wouldn't be the first time an outsider came along and carelessly destroyed something beautiful that they didn't understand. Even without the numbers game, there's a personal cost here that only turtles and GGDD will recognize and pay.

A lot of turtles are feeling emboldened, too. A lot of them are tired of covering their faces, hiding their colors and bowing down. It will be interesting to see how that factors in to everything.

We will just have to watch and wait, and see what happens. Regardless of any misgivings I might have about these issues and about his revised team, I will still continue to love and support DD. More than ever, actually. He will need our love.

LRLG is a role, not an individual

Some of you might have noticed over the past couple of years, that LRLG hasn't always kept the same tone, writing style, inflection, etc. in the messages they've shared. Many people - myself included - suspect that's because there have been shifts in staffing before, and the person doing the LRLG messages has changed in the past.

What hasn't changed is the messages or the manner in which they've been shared with us. If that's true, it's because LRLG was a role or a task that continued to be managed and filled regardless of who on staff was available to take care of it.

It's possible that role has been eliminated from the plan moving forward, which would be different from simply shifting who makes the contributions to the rumor house. I don't know for sure, but it seems like maybe there's no one left on his team who is in on it.

But that doesn't mean that LRLG won't show up again in some other capacity, or perhaps at some time in the future. Maybe the contributions will come from GG's side. We don't know.

My thoughts

Like I said earlier, this is all based on conjecture. No one knows all the details from behind the scenes. There could be a lot more to this issue than we realize. We just have to stay strong, and be patient.

In any case, it's a sad time for turtles, and there's no doubt about that. I am grieving these changes along with everyone else. It doesn't help that it comes right at the time I'm deeply grieving the anniversaries of the deaths of 2 close loved ones.

So I'm sad, very sad. Heartbroken is a better word.

I really didn't GAF about CQL being removed from DD's profile. If anything it's a bit of a relief. It can no longer be a factor. People can stop arguing about it, it can stop being such a focus. It's such an inconsequential thing. But YBO acting like turtle antis? Editing out candy and possibly removing LRLG? GUTTED.

The noose keeps tightening, and GG and DD and turtles are always the ones to pay the price.

This whole thing feels like nothing less than the triumph of homophobia, stupidity, mindless self-importance, toxicity and hate, and I've seen enough of that lately to last me several lifetimes.

One thing I know deep in my heart: GG and DD love turtles, they appreciate us, they care about us, and they will find a way to feed us and show us their love. They are smart, mischievous and resourceful, and they seem to thrive on challenges.

So take heart, my friends, and stay strong. Everything is going to be OK. The road is long.

A final word to the motos: I hate to break it to you, honey, but he's never going to marry you.

EDIT:

Follow-up post on whether everyone's wrong about LRLG leaving here.

Follow-up post about whether DD chose these changes here.

Follow-up post about the photoshopping of the jacket sleeve (and my theory about why YBO might still be our ally) here.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[wickedmoonlite]

KinnPorsche Rewatch 2023

Reminder: as we go into heavier topics in KP (dub-con/non-con, toxic behaviors, etc.), I will not be doing deep dives. I'm planning on taking this just below surface value as these are literally thoughts I have in the moment as I'm watching. Thank you.

Episode 6 Random Thoughts

FOREST EPISODE FOREST EPISODE FOREST EPISODE. Literally my favorite episode of the series. I like shows and movies where the relationship is the plot. So having an episode almost entirely dedicated to the blossoming relationship between Kinn and Porsche with little outside involvement is v good. Also, I really wish we could see the gentle, caring, silly, soft, carefree side of K more after this episode. We see glimpses later but nothing like this, when KP are well and truly alone together.

The super aggressive rock, paper, scissors is sending me.

And the fact that Kinn keeps bringing them back to the same spot and then Porsche does exactly the same thing before they just happen upon a little creek by sliding into it (though if it was really that close, how did they not see it 😬)

The betrayal after P spits on K lol

How far do they walk every day and back to get to the truck and creek though??

Kinn... Regular rocks do not start fires. Flint does though. Also lighters 👉👉

Porsche is such a shit.

Pete trying his darndest to stay hidden like Vegas definitely doesn't see him sitting in the car... The windows aren't even tinted dude (which I know is for filming purposes but come on).

The fucking smirk on Vegas's face when Pete finds the condoms then yells though.

K is trying so hard to catch a fish. Then P just pulls out some fruit like "lol I found this, keep trying for the fish tho."

The childlike wonder in K's expression and manner while P catches his fish and then he catches his own is so cute.

Apo looks so cold in the waterfall scene (I haven't watched the BTS for this episode but apparently he almost became hypothermic, the dedication ugh).

Porsche wants more kisses, Kinn. For the love of all that is holy, kiss your man.

I love that they get to know each other by sharing their dreams. It's such a nice little reflective moment where they get to know each other more and I appreciate it muchly.

The fact that Porsche really does "remember" the car crash just shows how suggestable our brains are as children. There are memories I have to this day where I'm not sure if it actually happened or was just a dream or something and my brain turned it into a memory.

They really should have tried to get a running start for that jump. Also, that was a pretty good distance they fell. Very surprised nothing was broken after that.

I really can't blame K for not wanting to go back, honestly. He must have so much on his shoulders as the heir (I mean, obviously).

"One strike, okay?" With... a pocket knife?? Yeah that's definitely gonna go through bone with one strike, P.

I like that K encourages P to leave... Because he knows it's best for P.

I LOVE how Apo acts this scene (honestly the whole sequence including after the bad guys show up) after Kinn tells him to get out of there... You can really see the man go, "Shit. I have to do this first." And then turns around and gives such a good feeling kiss. Ugh. K clenching his shirt because for him, it's the last time he'd see P and he doesn't want to let him go. Then the focus on the cuffs they'd just been wearing for who knows how many days as a symbol of them together and the journey they just went on and the falling in love. It's all so good.

P really said "you're not getting my man, fuck you." And then K gets shot 🙃

Then the look of, oh my god I really almost got away from here but now I'm trapped again, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Another long one. So sorry, but not too sorry. I appreciate all of you who read these rambling text posts very much ❤

Rest day tomorrow, which I kind of need because adulting and work. I shall see you all on the 8th for episode 7. Thanks for reading, y'all.

[jgcm2003]

episode one

I’ve recently become a human being capable of reflection, but only just recently. For many chaotic years, I wasn’t. Every memory I had was tinted by biased opinions, beliefs, and more often than not, embarrassment. Looking back on my entire life, it’s pretty tricky for me to point at one memory specifically and say I value it any more than any other experience. There’s nothing I wish I had done, nothing I wish hadn’t happened to me, and nothing I would alter in any way. The triumphant highs followed by agonizing lows, the ignorant fearlessness towards my surroundings juxtaposed with the overwhelming fear of the people that resided in them; they’re all experiences I find invaluable, crucial to the way I am right now and the way I have been. 

My experiences dictate the places my feet take me, the words my mouth chooses to say, and they provide me with the filter through which I witness the world. They’ve all led me to this moment, right here, right now. The sole inhabitant of a desolate island— trying to illustrate something invisible, trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, looking in the rearview mirror, but only briefly— my eyes will eventually find their way back to the road ahead. 

These experiences are the core of our very existence, and today they’ve led me to this table where I’ll write for a little while. I’ve grown to be immensely grateful for the fact I’ve been given the ability to sit down and write. It’s calming, it’s problem-solving, and it’s evolved into anything I need it to be. For this reason, I believe writing has become the most reliable friend I have. Perhaps the paper is just forced to listen to everything I say, but I like to think it may appreciate me and my brain sometimes. After all, it’s something to occupy its blankness even if it’s just the ramblings of a 19 year old boy. 

Of course, I want to look back and see something I can be proud of, but that’s simply not the case. I simply wasn’t ready to reflect honestly then. I wasn’t ready to accept the pain and discomfort of positive change, let alone the disappointment that comes with the realization that I was living the wrong way and I needed to grow. Yet I was so depressed for so long due to that unwillingness. My brain, my attitude, and my behavior were all screaming at me, trying to get me to admit something was wrong, yet I was so out of tune with reality that I didn’t seem to hear them. When I briefly did hear them, I didn’t seem to be able to care for very long. 

I vividly remember those times when life felt like more of a burden than much of anything else. I lived a very pessimistic life, void of any hope. This was a learned outlook on life. Given what the universe dealt me, I developed the awful habit of focusing on the inevitable end of everything that surrounded me. Any beautiful moment would turn melancholic almost instantly when the thought of its impending departure crept into my mind. It was the temporariness of it all that got me, and man, it got me good. A nice day ended was always ended with nightfall, falling in love always ended in turmoil, and being alive could end whenever, however. All were extremely valuable and necessary, yet all were far too temporary for my liking. Especially death— that freaked me out. 

When I was younger, death seemed to chase me around every corner, down every road, and occasionally when I was too tired to keep running it looked me square in the eyes. Sometimes death even mocked me with its cold and unforgiving existence. I learned that death will be completely okay with suddenly cutting me off mid-sentence one day. It won’t let me finish a book, a song, or even a thought. It’ll cut me off and kill me on its own time, not my time. 

When I was 15, death caught up to my dad while he was completely alone, living in YMCA housing. I had been aware of death before, but that’s when I first realized how final it all really was. Life had never seemed so temporary. It felt like a cruel joke, the man I grew up with was instantly turned into nothing but a bunch of unwelcome memories. Someone so prominent in my life, so real was now so gone. 

Death cut him off at the lowest point in his life. My mom and other people tell me that at that point, there was no way he was getting out of that. I know they’re right but a piece of me, the piece of me that loves him still, thinks maybe he could’ve seen the light and recovered. We’ll never know for certain because he couldn’t run any longer, and death caught up. 

Regardless of the pain it caused me, I never understood more that my days were numbered. Everyone around me, everything around me, their days were numbered as well. Everything I felt would eventually be nothing but an abyss trapped inside of my corpse, burned to ash, or buried beneath the dirt on private land. Almost instantly upon the death of my dad, I was firmly gripped by the notion that nothing this existence had to offer me mattered all that much. It crept into my brain, my heart, and in turn my behavior. If my own father had lost his race with death in such a manner, then why should I expect anything more? Why would I set myself up for failure with any sort of optimism? The simple answer to me back then was that I wouldn’t.

For years I took that nihilistic approach to life. I became extremely complacent in my growth as a human being. I was utterly indifferent toward whatever lay ahead, I figured it was nothing anyways. I took a back seat to my impulses in search of something to drag me out of the deep emptiness I was feeling. I felt like I was right to think the way I did, and the mental anguish was just a nasty side-effect of the reality of life and impending death. It never dawned on me that the feelings had been coming from a place of rejection— that maybe I was right but the way I was responding was extremely wrong.

I was in a Costco parking lot when it finally broke through to me. This wasn’t the path I needed to follow. Maybe if I just allowed myself to admit I’d been wrong, I could take a step forward and get out of this rut I had been stuck in for so many years. Upon realizing this I felt this resounding feeling of dread, I knew at that moment more than ever I had missed out on really enjoying life for what it was. I didn’t really appreciate anything. Of course, bad things had happened but I had opted to choose a simpler route in response to those bad things rather than face them head-on and grow. I had so much, so many possessions, so many friends, and so many people who cared for me deeply. I was a Division 1 football player, I had a nice car, and I had so many Instagram followers and so much attention. I could’ve been more and everyone knew it. They’d remind me of this in our interactions, when my report cards would come back, and when I stopped to really look at myself for a moment. I had so much, yet I was completely and utterly empty. I was one of the worst possible versions of myself. I had been treating so many people the wrong way, I had been treating myself the wrong way. I hated myself so much for this in that Costco parking lot. 

It was one of the hardest hours or so of my life in that spot, yet one that I remember as one of the most important because in that hour I let myself be subject to the pain I deserved. In response to that pain, I decided to change my life for the better. While it completely sucked, that pain killed some of the parts of me I despised. Those parts of me I hated died but were reincarnated as the pieces of me I sit here reflecting on today. In response to that hour the past few months have been more fulfilling than any other period of time I’ve really ever had in my life before. 

Even so, I didn’t really know how I’d improve. I stood before a mountain of things I needed to work on, the summit so high I couldn’t even see it. I didn’t even know if I should believe in this summit. I stared at this mountain for an hour, occasionally falling victim to some of my own doubt. Jonah Hill’s therapist Phil Stuz refers to this doubt as Part X. It’s the factor in each of us that makes growth and change feel impossible in the face of adversity. It’s the aspect of ourselves that we recognize as a fixed limitation. It saw me staring at the top and tried to keep me on the ground by offering shitty advice such as You know you’re going to wind up back down here right beside me or How many times have you done this, tried to better yourself to no avail? Why even try? 

Yet for the first time in a very long time, I felt a resounding sense of hope that if I ignored him for at least a little while and started to climb, maybe I’d reach certain spots on this mountain where I could rest for a while rather than climb back down. So I began my ascension into the unknown for yet another try, but the first real-time in my life. I’d seen my father completely fall victim to his Part X. It took control of his body, his mind, and his actions. It led him down a road of delusion, unnecessary discomfort, and immense pain. He never tried to climb his mountain, all of his efforts went into searching for ways around it or through it. It did nothing for him but kill him. 

At first, it was the seemingly small patterns of behavior such as maintaining a clean room, writing in a planner every day, or attempting to tell the truth regardless of the outcome, even when it was hard to find. These were simple changes in my life all meant to at least make my life a bit more simple. The organization of life around me was the fuel I needed to generate the first framework of guidelines by which I wanted to exist. It helps me recognize Part-x for what he is, a figment of my imagination; one that will never go away in his quest for my company on the ground, but one that can be beaten by my persistent action in response to the world around me and my own inward reflection. I’ll fall victim to Part X at times because everyone does, but because of my climb at least, I’ll have somewhere more peaceful than the ground to rest. The view of the world is much better from these places than it’s ever been before. 

I’m going to document this climb here, through videos and these short memoirs, and see how far I can climb. It’ll change and grow as I do- forgive the first video's seemingly directionless premise, and my complete ramblings in this. I hope to improve with both filmography and writing, my favorite two ways of expressing myself. I want the reader or watcher to know that as much as this is for me, it’s for them because I thoroughly believe if I’m capable of realizing this, then so are you. With death making its way towards me and everyone, with Part X living within me and everyone, I now know this for certain; if I’m going to become the person I want to be, then I’ll need to start my climb now. 

I’m 19 years, 4 months, and 25 days old, about to leave high school, and I have been gifted with the ability to reflect. It would be a waste if I didn’t use it to grow as a human being as I make my way into adulthood. 

[lolalovegood1400]

Vent⚠️Trigger warning⚠️ Mormonism, injustice, mentions of 🍇, religion, cult-like talk

Last viewer discretion: WARNING if you continue reading this after you've acknowledged this trigger warning, it is your own fault. I am not liable for how the content you consume makes you feel. ⚠️⚠️⚠️

When the Mormons want you to respect their cult but their Bishop told your Dad he couldn't help him while he was battling addiction, then the Sunday after his funeral they preach how they are always willing to give resources to those in need. 'All you have to do is go to the Bishop and repent of your ways'

You do not get to sit there and tell me your a good person when your actions clearly reflect otherwise. I do not care if not all Mormons are 'that way'. Their doctrine inherently holds those values and enforces such behavior and treatment, especially if you are a member. Mormonism is a cult of shame and denial. However, the more you deny the truth the more evident it is.

Even if you are a Mormon, you can't deny the 🍇 allegations and cases against members of the Bishopric in wards across America and around the world. You can't deny that Joesph Smith's racist fan fiction is archaeologically disproven time and time again. You can tell me whatever you want. You cannot convince me that a self-insert book written by a man who married minors is worth my time or respect.

[thefernmanner]

"The Wheat." From the Book of Sirach, "The Manner of the Fern" 6: 32-37.

Who doesn't love cleverness?

The problem is even animals can be said to be clever. Yes, parrots are considered to be very smart:

Cognitive abilities

Parrots can perform cognitive tasks that are beyond the abilities of 5-year-old humans. They can solve complex puzzles, practice self-control, and associate words with their meanings.

Mimic human speech

Parrots are known for their ability to mimic human speech. One Budgerigar named Puck had a vocabulary of 1,728 words.

Brain structure

Parrots have large, corresponding neural connectors in their brains, similar to primates. Their brains also have as many neurons as a mid-size primate.

Genome sequence

Parrots have a more developed genome sequence than other birds.

Intelligence and evolution

Parrots' brains and behavior could provide clues to the evolution of intelligence. They share some of the same traits as other species that are considered to be intelligent, such as chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants.

Kea parrots

Kea parrots from New Zealand are considered to be particularly intelligent. They can use probabilities to predict which hand a token is most likely to be in.

Sirach says we need to be clever, like a parrot but we need much more than that:

32 If you are willing, my child, you can be disciplined,     and if you apply yourself you will become clever. 33 If you love to listen you will accept discipline,     and if you pay attention you will become wise. 34 Stand in the company of the elders.     Who is wise? Attach yourself to such a one. 35 Be ready to listen to every godly discourse,     and let no wise proverbs escape you. 36 If you see an intelligent person, rise early to visit him;     let your foot wear out his doorstep. 37 Reflect on the statutes of the Lord,     and meditate at all times on his commandments. It is he who will give insight to[f] your mind,     and your desire for wisdom will be granted.

This section reinforces the Tanakh. God does not change rather He is the author of all change. Nature must adapt to change and follow the course given to it by natural laws. Only man refuses to cope with change in ways that represent God's approach. This is the topic of the Book of Sirach.

The Values in Gematria are:

v. 32-33: If you want, you can be disciplined. The Number is 14862, ידחב, yadchav,‎ ‎ ‎"will push, through Davening."

This does not mean put a black box on your head and bob up and down like a duck. The black box is the mind itself and it must be filled with the language of the Kingdom of Israel and become fit. For this we need to understand the Devarim. Read the Devarim right now, stop that ridiculous jumping up and down, sit down somewhere nice and pretty and quiet and read the Devarim. Have the boyfriend wife bring you a nice cup of tea and tell him to leave the room and then do like I say.

v. 34-35: Let no wise proverbs escape you. The Devarim state plainly God will abandon us to our own ways and then we must do what is right. He does not care to watch after us after that. The Number is 11434, יאדג‎ד‎‎, yadgd, "the egad" the bundle. "Bundle a group and tie the knot."

God tells Moses He cannot reveal the Self, only honor it. He orders Moses to grow up, finish writing the Torah which he states by saying "weave the Tallis" and then He suggests Moses meditate to find the rest.

v. 36-37: If you seen an intelligent person, rise up to greet him. Especially if he is you.

The Number is 9158, ח‎טאה‎ ‎ chita, "the wheat", ‎"do not sin offend or trespass."

[imariejoyce]

Does it make you a bad person if you don't have any religion?

This topic is always somewhat sensitive, but I just want to share what are my thoughts about this.

In my early years, I was raised by my parents, who are deeply spiritual Catholic Filipinos. I grew accustomed to the idea of spending Sundays attending church, listening to the priest’s gospel and homily, and reflecting on them. We lived in a small provincial town where this kind of routine was quite typical.

During Holy Week when I was little, I looked forward to the annual procession in our town. It was a nice experience to see the wooden sculpture of the images of saints and the Holy Family showing the stories of the bible and with other devotees while holding their candles as they participated in the procession. I found it beautiful to witness people praying solemnly and expressing their faith through their devotions. I still remember when we were kids; our parents would lift us up or let us sit on their shoulders so we could better see the crowd and watch the procession, which represents various Biblical events related to Holy Week.

I also attended a Catholic school during high school, which I would describe as quite conservative. Each month, every class had a designated day for attending a morning mass. In October, there was a special rosary month where some students participated in a living rosary, forming a large circle in the school's covered court while everyone prayed the rosary together. Reflecting on those times still brings a sense of nostalgia.

When I went to college, I moved to Manila to attend university. Transitioning from a provincial town to the bustling city of Manila was quite a shift. While studying, I met many people, and occasionally, they would invite me to join their religious services. Out of curiosity, I often took the opportunity to participate, especially when I had some free time. I even had a board mate who was actively involved in a campus ministry. In short, I ended up attending various religious services whenever friends invited me during my free time.

As time passes, you encounter different types of people, beliefs, and ways of expressing faith. When I moved to Europe, my perspective on this became more practical. Through my experiences, I realized that not all religious individuals who are actively involved in church are necessarily the kindest or most compassionate. I recall attending a service here where, despite my efforts to avoid gossip (what we call "marites" in the Philippines), I overheard people discussing others' lives after the service. Some were sharing opinions based only on one side of the story. I understand that this kind of behavior isn't limited to churches; it can happen anywhere. There are also stories of infidelity and individuals who leave their families behind, starting new lives abroad without supporting their children. That sounds really frustrating. It’s tough when people don’t live up to the values they claim to uphold, especially in a community where trust and integrity are important. It’s disheartening to see people undermine their own good intentions with actions that contradict their words. Experiencing these situations can be challenging, especially if you feel caught between confronting the behavior and maintaining your own peace.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that religion often serves as a label that separates people based on their beliefs. Attending church regularly doesn’t necessarily make someone the kindest or purest person. What truly matters is doing good and being kind to others. The essential thing is to act with empathy and respect, considering how your actions affect those around you and treating others the way you would like to be treated.

Honestly, I've become less involved with church services due to various experiences I've had. I believe that as long as I'm not harming others, I'm still on the right path. Some may believe I’m saying this because it’s convenient for me, but it’s not about convenience. It’s about the freedom to pursue what brings you happiness and enjoy what life has to offer, as long as it doesn’t harm others. To answer the question in the title, "Does it make you a bad person if you don't have any religion?" I don’t think so. I know many people who don’t practice any religion but are actively involved in helping others. In fact, they can often be more reliable than those you might expect to be there for you during tough times. I understand that assessing kindness isn't confined to a single approach, same as labeling someone as kind shouldn't be solely based on their level of spirituality.

[chatdae]

I am a cis woman, and I would be considered un-thoughtful by these metrics. I recently had an argument with a family member where they were angry at me for not doing certain chores, because they thought it was obvious that I should. That situation was resolved when I said, "hey, I struggle with this because of my autism & ADHD. Can we agree to a clear set of norms that we both have the power to adhere to?"

Aside from neurodivergence, there is also the matter that cultural norms vary way more than we might think: I've had friends who consider it rude to not get someone a birthday gift, even when a gift wasn't explicitly requested; I've had other friends consider it rude to expect gifts on one's birthday, because they think that's an imposition on how others use their money & time. This is a different context than an intimate partnership, yes; but I think it's true that, just as people's ideas of what a good friend acts like may vary, so will their ideas of what a good partner acts like.

Assuming that you know the means by which someone expresses love and respect is a recipe for conflict. Whether it's disability, cultural difference, etc, there is bound to be some discrepancy between the two of you. In my relationships, I've found success by being honest about this and being willing to propose new standards. When everyone reflects on how they are doing within these standards, and genuinely values the other person's/people's happiness as much as their own, it's more than possible to develop patterns of behavior that make people feel respected and loved. This may, for some, involve cutting out indirect communication.

OP is right that uses of "I'm not a mind reader" have manifested and still do manifest in sexist ways. Many men and women have been raised to perform patterns that undervalue a woman's feelings. However, the indirect communication from women that OP describes is a form of communication that developed in a sexist context, where the woman had to find a way to express her needs in a "palatable" way. Why ask her to stick to this communication method when it perpetuates the belief that she would be rude to express her desires directly?

It is true that men are conditioned to put less effort than women into social interactions and intimate relationships, and it is possible for a man to put effort into learning the language of indirect communication. But, at least in my experience, a standard of direct and explicit communication is a more accessible (neurodivergency, etc) and reliable (easy to avoid conflicts when the two people agree to a framework of communication) standard to try and learn, rather than a standard of picking up on subtle cues and indirect requests.

(Really, speaking from experience: if you keep trying to learn indirect communication but it keeps blowing up in everyone's face, maybe it's time to respect your feelings & limitations and recognize how previous norms may have been crafted to undervalue your experience -- be that an autistic experience, an ADHD experience, etc etc.)

So far, everything I've said is in defence of the idea that direct communication may be necessary in some relationships, with indirect communication just not being feasible. But this may not be the case in every relationship: maybe a standard of stating things explicitly and overtly all the time would put unequal demand on the people involved. Maybe it would lead to both people suffering needlessly. The established norms of communication that we have on-hand almost always have origins in environments of unequal power, and I believe this means there's no one-size-fits-all. In my experience, it's been more ethical and effective to figure things out case by case.

In general, this might take the form of people sitting down, verbalizing sentiments clearly, figuring out how to express love in ways the other person understands... maybe this method won't work for everyone. But, personally, I've found that you're more likely to get positive results if you reflect on what the cause of conflicts in your relationships are and discuss them, instead of assuming you can both recognize and understand the other person's form of communication.

I've seen a lot of "You have to communicate directly/don't expect other people to read your mind" posts going around tumblr lately and while I really do appreciate them because it's a skill a LOT of people need to work on, I do want to remind everyone to please meet people halfway sometimes.

I recently read a story on Reddit about a guy's pregnant wife texting him "I'm craving donuts but we don't have any in the house 😔" and he DIDN'T stop to pick up donuts on the way home from work. Everyone was taking his side because "she needs to communicate" and "he's not a mind reader" and "How was he supposed to know she wanted him to get donuts???" People, ffs, why on earth would she text him that while he was at work if not because she wanted him to get donuts? I was flabbergasted everyone was taking his side. "How was he supposed to know??" What? Like yeah it's true she didn't say "I want you to get me donuts" with those exact words in that exact order but the reason why people get upset if they hint they want you to do something and you don't do it is because they feel like you don't care about them and aren't actively thinking about their feelings. Especially in a marriage or LTR they are in a situation where the assumption is you care about filling the other person's needs.

Someone who loves and cares about someone will get the donuts "without being asked" just because their partner expresses a want or need. That's what someone is fishing for when they say "Aaaah I'm craving donuts 🥺🥺🥺" It's less about the donuts and more about feeling cared for. Sometimes straight up asking "Can you get me donuts?" defeats the purpose.

Also, women are typically socialized to communicate this way because they're punished socially for being too direct. I've heard that people of color, especially black people, often do this too because they're likely to be branded as "aggressive" if they're too direct with white people. So it might be a good idea to be a bit intersectional if we're trying to encourage people to be more direct.

Take the stereotypical example of a wife gets a new haircut and then gets upset that the husband doesn't notice. She's not literally mad at him for not saying the exact words "I like your new haircut." She's upset because she feels like he doesn't look at her and appreciate the efforts she's putting in anymore.

Obviously this will vary widely depending on the nature of your relationship with someone, but especially when it comes to intimate partnerships, there are certain things your significant other should not have to tell you directly. It's probably safe to assume your wife or husband wants a birthday present even if they don't ask for it. It's probably safe to assume your bf or gf would appreciate a valentine's day present or a compliment without them having to literally ask for it, unless they explicitly say otherwise.

This is difficult for a lot of neurodivergent people to learn manually if it's not instinctual and they didn't learn it growing up (lord knows I didn't) and yes, it's true that most people (especially NT people) should learn to communicate more directly. But also, your relationships would probably benefit from learning to read indirect cues and just pick up the donuts on the way home because you heard your wife is craving them. Sometimes what someone wants is for you to think about what they're feeling and what they want and do it without them asking directly. It's up to you whether or not you do that, but sometimes that is asking. I think this is what people generally mean when they say their partner is "thoughtful."