#I can only excuse so much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haliteatiger · 5 months

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Happy Werewolf Wednesday, ya'll! We're serving up a big pot of tea tonight so get those cups ready!

Special thanks to Blackbackedjackal and King for their help in putting this together, editing, and especially to Jackal for being so supportive and encouraging. I'm very much not normally the type to do call-out posts, but people need to be aware of Dogblud, as she has hurt, not only myself, but quite a few others as well, and seems to have somehow gotten away with behaving like this for 20-odd years. I'm of the mind she shouldn't be allowed to do so any more, hence this post.

TL;DR - Beware of Dogblud, aka Ashryn, aka DogofBlud, aka ThatDogMagic. Very, very long post under the cut.

With everything happening with DogBlud and Blackbackedjackal's studio, I felt emboldened to come forward with my own experiences with her. This is something I've been carrying around since it happened roughly 2 years ago. It was one of the main reasons that put me off drawing werewolves, my own characters, or engaging any more in the fandom. I've hinted at it a few times but I've never had the energy to come forward and deal with the fall out. I wanted to move on with the rest of my life because IRL was more important than online drama. And I knew her behavior would come back to bite her sooner or later, regardless of what I did.

It's been very validating to see that I was right.

It was around the time that Blud and I became friends that I was feeling a bit burnt out on werewolves. I'd been trying to pull together my own werewolf-related project for something close to 12 years. The past 4 years had also been pretty draining on me creatively and socially, as it had for a lot of artists with regards to the pandemic. I also had some IRL things I was dealing with: mainly with my marriage and transitioning between medications to manage my anxiety + bipolar.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to screenshot everything at the time. I do have logs from back when we roleplayed together. There are several conversations in them but because they were saved as text documents, they're pretty dubious in terms of solid evidence.

It would have been better if I had taken screenshots as it was happening, rather than just saving the logs. With what I *do* have, however, I feel as though it may be enough to make the point that I'm trying to make, and to exhibit how horrible things got.

I'll provide some context.

I had talked with Blud on and off over the years, and we had always gotten along. We had a lot in common and after we had started talking more, our friendship eventually grew into a collaborative project. We were going to combine our stories and write a comic based on it. We had a lot of discussions on how Blud was reticent to do this in the beginning and how she wanted a contract to be made up so that in the event that something *did* happen, we could both walk away feeling like it was handled fairly.

Honestly, I should have listened to the first alarm that went off in my brain, when, in an act of ominous foreboding she said something along the lines of don't be so sure, it could happen. It was in response to me being like "we're getting along so well and share so much of a bond right now. I can't fathom that being a problem!"

The contract never materialized. It was something we had decided to do *after* we had put together something of a prototype project to see how well we worked together. It made complete sense to me at the time as we were both eager to focus on the fun parts of writing and drawing together.

It was decided that I would be the lead artist (doing coloring and final lines) while Blud would do everything else (which was inking, layouts, and the majority of the writing). The both of us felt that she had more experience in those areas. I also believed that she had a better knack for it as well. I had felt that she had a better understanding of story structure than myself. And I thought that Blud had felt the same way about my art. That I had the experience to take point on that.

Since I had collaborated with other artists and writers before, I attempted to approach the project with the same sort of professionalism I always do. Especially the projects that I genuinely thought stood a chance of being published in the future. We had started out trying to get a feel for each other's flows and rhythms. I had expected Blud to try and meet me in the middle of where our processes would potentially differ from one another, so that we could develop a fairly smooth workflow.

I had also expected, according to our discussions on the matter, that we would value each other's opinions on things and take them into consideration. We had such good synchronicity already.

In the beginning, there wasn't any unusual behavior that caught my attention. Blud was a bit uncomfortable with trying out new things but I did my best to accommodate her so that our project could move forward without too much turbulence. She had also mentioned to me before that she was autistic, and since my husband is also autistic, I knew how difficult it could be when it came to adapting to new routines. But when it was time for her to deliver the first set of layouts, it wasn't at all what I expected.

What I had expected was something with margins, clearly marked boxes, and figures that I could do rough lines over. I also expected notes that confirmed what we had discussed earlier about the project; that way I knew what she wanted or if there would be any changes. She took offense to this, feeling like I was violating our agreement. Though Blud did try to give me space with regards to the actual art, and while she would offer criticisms here and there, I trusted her opinion as an artist and as a friend. But apparently that didn't go both ways. In fact, Blud seemed to be offended that I expected more from her.

Blud agreed to concede. She suddenly seemed fine with the changes that I had asked for after seeing the layouts. I guess she was feeling overstimulated by the change and I might have been applying too much of a critical tone to her responses to begin with. I have had to deal with rejection sensitivity throughout my life and it's certainly prompted me to approach what people say to me online with a bit of scrutiny (sometimes too much).

And while I was mildly annoyed, although admittedly I was more concerned with Blud's overall reaction to my asking for clarification about several things in the layouts, I let it go. But it seemed like there was a problem. The majority of my ideas were either rejected or outright overridden with Blud convincing me that my faulty memory had made me unable to remember what we had agreed upon. Or that I might have been misremembering in my own favor.

There was one time where we were discussing a monster's design. Blud had already decided to settle on one design that she had come up with, even as I continued to offer other suggestions. The story was to take place in my setting, so I was under the impression that I got to decide what kind of creatures should populate it. The conversation ended somewhat ambiguously. I had assumed that we'd come to a solid conclusion later.

I came back the next day and it turned out that we were using her design because that was what we had decided on. "Don't you remember? You really need to do something about that faulty memory of yours, Tek. I can't be doing this for you all the time."

At which point, Blud would go back and meticulously scour the conversation until she managed to find a set of lines that would make it seem as though I had 100% agreed. Even when I tried to explain that I had meant something else, she took it as an affront on her inability to understand nuances due to her autism.

I admit that my memory isn't that greatest at times, but I've never had anyone complain about it before. And none of my friends have ever minded providing reminders to me if I did misremember something incorrectly. We all forget stuff at times, right? It's *still* something that I'm self-conscious about because (like a lot of people with ADHD) my memory seems selective at times. This was, apparently, a problem that I needed to manage.

And even as I'm remembering these incidents to the best of my ability, I've already spent so much time recounting all of this to friends. I feel confident in my recollection. There are some details that may overlap or become entwined with other things, but it all basically tells the same story. Especially in conjunction with what's been said by others. You're free to take it as hearsay since I do not have screenshots to back this up.

I will mention (since I've been told it's something that Blud has taken particular interest in) that at one point, I did have a crush on her. I was having some problems IRL, and it was nice to have someone whom I felt actually understood me. I also felt like I saw a lot of myself in her. I think that, at one point, I did describe her as the kind of "girlfriend" I would want. Blud seemed to indicate the feeling was mutual.

Between our collaborative partnership and all of the details we shared about our lives, it did feel like an intimate relationship at times. I had no intentions of pursuing it. We were not compatible in our romantic and sexual identities, and I had no intention of leaving my current partner for her.

I had begun to notice red flags, even if I wasn't ready to accept them yet.

I've had experience with abusive relationships in the past but they were in person, and not online. I knew what to look out for and yet I was being willfully ignorant about our friendship. I wanted to give Blud the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the project to work *so* badly that I was willing to work with her increasing demands as the months went by.

I had no idea that those demands would change into, quite literal, temper tantrums. It would then trigger my fawning response which was due to an abusive family situation that I had dealt with before I moved to Canada. The tactic was this: concede to someone until there was a time that they either understood reason or I had the chance to use it against them if necessary.

I started to take screenshots. I wish that I had taken a lot more of them so that everyone could get a better idea of what was happening. I did go back and manage to record the majority of the first outburst. It was the first inkling I had that Blud wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. I knew that that would be one of the first conversations that she would promptly delete. And consequently, I was right.

This assortment of screenshots will exhibit the first serious confrontation that Blud had with me. I am absolutely *not* proud of how I handled this. I was literally panicking at the time and doing whatever I could to get her to calm down. Because I have a temper that can look similar to this in person, I knew that I had to wait until the post-tantrum clarity would hit Blud. I tried my best to not lose my own temper in turn but looking back, I feel that I came off as sounding too timid.

I didn't want to ruin this project.

I wanted to make a comic with an individual that I admired and respected as a fellow artist. And, with me not knowing how to respond, my main priority was to not make things any worse than they already were.

Below is the conversation in its entirety:

I had taken this screenshot on my phone after I had stepped away to compose myself. Blud had handled the confrontation and criticism with a reasonable amount of apprehension. But what had not occurred to me was that I could have said something that would remind her of past experiences with a roleplaying group.

It was something that had evidently scarred Blud for life.

I took away the wrong things from what she had told me, choosing to focus on the aspects of the "betrayal" that had appeared to bother her the most. And in hindsight, I did not see the correlation. I was genuinely apologetic that I had hurt her feelings.

But I *will* critique Blud for her poor handling of the situation. Whether or not I had hurt her feelings, no one is entitled to act like this or claim that this is what attempting to resolve a problem should look like.

I wasn't sure on how to initially respond to Blud. It had been ages since I'd had to deal with someone flying off the handle like that.

The following screenshots are where the conversation picked up, after she had already deleted the above message:

We had weathered the "storm" and after Blud calmed down, she was ready to communicate. There was a part of me that was genuinely sincere when I apologized to her. I did mean it when I said that I had no intentions of hurting her and that I hadn't considered how my statement would sound to her.

I had hoped that this had been a stress response due to factors outside of our collaboration. And especially when I took into account how she had interacted with me in the past. I knew that Blud had a lot going on IRL, and that she had already put a considerable amount of energy into this project.

I had taken her meltdown more personally than she could perceive that I would, because this was something that was acceptable to her. She had a "condition" that would absolve her of these abhorrent meltdowns and I needed to get used to them if we were going to continue working on that project together.

I was shaking the entire time we were typing in the chat.

I was sincere in my responses. I really did want to work things out with Blud and give her the benefit of the doubt. I could have been taking the things that she said too personally or maybe I had been reading too much into the situation. Was there a chance that I could have been misreading her outburst? I tried my best to keep an open mind though I was still somewhat baffled by the fact that she would have meltdowns as often as she did.

I confided in my husband and some other friends about the situation. They were also bewildered by Blud's actions.

By this point, I was struggling with the reality that this collaboration was most likely *not* going to work out but I still wanted to try. I still cared about Blud. We would still hang out together and talk about things like music, our characters, or our stories.

While I did have the foresight to go back and screenshot this section, I wasn't fast enough to get screenshots of everything else that I will be going over. Blud *did* admit to going back and deleting certain exchanges due to a mixture of shame; not wanting to look at them when she would scroll through our conversations.

In retrospect, it was very telling.

And even after that meltdown, I still enjoyed the friendship that I had with her. I kept my guard up but I was willing to make compromises on her behalf if it resulted in better communication between the two of us. Blud made me promise to immediately tell her if I had a problem with something. I also agreed to keep notes of our conversations.

It worked for the most part.

In the end though, it became apparent that Blud wasn't willing to do the same for me (even after we had an extended conversation about it). I then realized that I had been tasked with basically *managing* her autism for her. I was already busy with my supposedly "bad memory" at the time; and Blud was more than ready to scroll back up through our conversations to cherry-pick a line or two of text to remind me of what was said earlier.

Because, for her, circumstances couldn't ever change. If they did, it would mean that Blud had lost control of the situation and that she was in the wrong. She could *not* be in the wrong.

And if she was in the wrong? It would take solid evidence, three witnesses, and a court of law to prove it.

She had two other major meltdowns after this. I managed to step away from communicating with her through one of them and I don't remember the other meltdown lasting very long. She immediately deleted the texts of both of those instances before I could take screenshots of them.

It seemed like I could do nothing right when it came to Blud, no matter the lengths I would go to accommodate her. I knew that it was a common tactic used by abusers. I finally accepted that our partnership wasn't going to work out and I began thinking about an exit strategy. The final straw was when she began to expect me to be at her beck and call.

I had promised that I would be there for her, within reason, and I was willing to offer reassurances whenever she would ask me for them. The promise had been made back when we had first started to talk to one another with more frequency, before Blud had shown me her true colors. I would end up completely underestimating just how badly she would need reassurance.

To be frank, I underestimated a lot about Blud in the beginning.

I would end up mentioning that I enjoyed my space in several different conversations with her. That there was a chance that I might be offline for several days so I could take care of things IRL and recharge my social batteries. I'm somewhat of a recluse. And an adult who enjoys things that aren't online.

She said that it was fine.

I became incredibly anxious when I would talk to Blud, especially after her somewhat abrupt change in personality.

I then attempted to put my foot down about boundaries and this is what she had to say:

I decided to walk away for a bit and I came back after I had had some time to think things over. This wasn't healthy for either of us. I wrote a couple of sentences to say goodbye to Blud before I blocked her. I knew that my actions would probably infuriate her. She had told me in the past that she *hated* not being able to have the final word... which she was able to do through email:

“And I'm not letting you pretend you have control over the situation, or the high ground. You distinctly have neither. But since you're determined to stick to your 'principles' on this, I've decided to make it easier for you.”

She thought that she was absolved of all sins just because I had said that I would stand by her at her worst. And at the time that I said that, I had no idea that her worst would be her trying everything possible to protect her boundaries while stomping all over mine. It didn't matter what she said or how often she would apologize when I would confront her. She kept doing it.

I admit that I wasn't perfect in this situation either.

There were times when I was condescending, critical, or downright mean when I talked to Blud because that was the way I had felt when she was talking to me. I soon realized that it didn't matter either way. I could have been using the friendliest tone imaginable and she still would have perceived it as either mocking or dismissive on my end. There were even a few times where I would preface my explanations with an advisory “please know that I am not attacking you and try to read this in an understanding tone,”etc. I would then post an explanation I had spent hours picking at to ensure that there was no way she could misinterpret the intent. Even so, she still read the majority of what I said as criticism and would take it to heart.

I never expected Blud to do something that made her uncomfortable; nor did I expect her to overextend herself when it came to our project. I would go out of my way to make sure everything was fine when we would talk about it. I only expected mutual respect in return.

When we would get into discussions (arguments), she would never attempt to understand my point of view or let me explain myself. It would have made it about me when it should have been about Blud and her needs. She sometimes would agree to come to a compromise about something, but only if I would admit that I was in the wrong.

I know that if Blud was to look at these screenshots, she'd be incredulous that I'm trying to distract from the horrible things that *I* did. And those horrible things that I did? I tried my best to work with her.

It wasn't just her poor teamwork that bothered me. It was her attitude and the lack of respect that she showed me. She would never ask me to clarify something that I said; always assuming that it was a criticism against her. I can only speculate that Blud did not want to hear about how any of this was her fault, like in the email she sent me.

I don't know if I was actually her friend at any point. Friends make efforts to understand one another. Ideally, they’d want their friendships to continue, and they would want everyone to be getting along and having fun. She seemed to actively defy that.

I would argue that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum. There's almost always a reason for such things, but it's honestly a mystery to me as to where this vitriol comes from. I don't know why Blud sees monsters in every word, especially if they come from a "friend".

I've seen her viscously mock herself during meltdowns; it seems like she hates herself and expects everyone else to hate her too. I think that she wants it to be the truth, so that it validates the feelings she has about herself. The behavior patterns that I'd been exposed to are consistent with the idea that Blud is seeking confirmation about the personal assumptions she has about herself. It's what makes her so volatile to those around her. Yet, she refuses to break the cycle.

I hope that she can make that choice in the future but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

#dogblud #it feels a bit dirty doing a call out post #but people need to know #she's gotten away with this for far too long #i generally tend to give people the benefit of a doubt #clearly too much #but you can only make up so many excuses before you begin to realize that #at the end of the day #people still have the ability to make a choice #“everyone always leaves me”#well maybe you should really consider what the common variable is #just sayin

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gdn019283 · 2 months

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Could have destiny, and therefore Arthur’s death, really be avoided in Merlin? Or were things supposed to flow like that either way?

The first thought that struck me, as soon as the last episode ended, was the usual “what if?” that keeps this fandom alive, alongside the plethora of theories (that I like looking into and discuss) questions, answers and headcanons.

But no matter how many times I think about it, I personally believe that the answer to the question in the title is simply:

No.

It couldn’t.

The directors, no matter how many choices they made, that we could either think are wrong or not, had also made a wonderful job of deceiving us, but not really, and ending the show with a tragedy and a good fucking plot.

What is the plot, you may ask?

“You don’t choose destiny, destiny chooses you”,

and I think it’s brilliant.

First thing first, destiny:

The directors said: “Fuck it.” They tried everything they could do so that Merlin, at the end of the day, had only one choice. It is really an hard point to make, especially because we like to think that if Merlin had done something differently, things could have actually took another road, and yes, it could have, but it didn’t happen, because we needed an enemy in the show, and it was made on purpose. I like to think that the directors knew it would piss people off. It did. Great job, you guys, I still think about it after fifteen years.

Second thing, who’s the bad guy? (Uther)

What I mean by this, is that I’m asking this question to the main characters who the directors wanted us to believe they were objectively good, right, like Merlin, or Gaius, and even Arthur. How about, no one of them had to be completely good? It hurts less if the characters I just cited acted differently, like we oftentimes say of Merlin, but it’s fiction, and we wouldn’t have Tumblr to discuss it on, if they were all perfect, so why not give them some very bad flows? *cough* All the better if they’re murderers *cough*. Now, if it were reality, I too would have said: “Go to hell”, but it’s BBC Merlin, so let me have some fun.

Morgana is bad, Merlin could be too, Arthur even, also Gwen, Lancelot too, and all the wicked team we’ve got. Oh, especially the toilet they had instead of a king, the one and only Uther Pendragon. I even said that Gaius is bad, and offended Hunith of all people, so let’s get to my point. Merlin could have done things differently? Yes. But Morgana, too. Hell, also Arthur. The point of the TV show is the very, very bad choice Uther made of being a tyrant, so. Merlin could have told Morgana he had magic? Yep, but sometimes I believe Morgana had to be evil, so even if she could have become like that in another way, she made her own choice. She knew Merlin was a good person, who didn’t dislike her because of the magic, and still threatened him throughout all season three, causing chaos and death because she craved power and she was in a privileged position where she could do all these things. We like to blame Merlin and Gaius for how she turned out, but what about Gwen? Poor woman didn’t do anything, as much as breathing too hard near her mistress, and Morgana wanted her dead because she hated the idea that a woman like Gwen, who even if amazing and with so many skills, was just a peasant, and could get on her throne. Morgana made the choice to hate Gwen. Morgana made the choice to try and kill Arthur to take her throne, even when Arthur had no idea of what was happening. Heavy on her throne, because who said it was? By age, status, whatever, Uther appointed Arthur as the heir, and there is no changing that. (so, bad Morgana. See? She had to be, like, it was the director’s job)

“Merlin poisoned her.” He did, and isn’t that magnificent? We can see how it destroys both of them in their own ways. Why did they have to be good characters? Imagine how boring the show would have been, and now I wouldn’t be making a post about it at ten in the evening. Morgana chose Morgause. There is no discussing that. As soon as she saw she could take Arthur’s throne, she started doing the evil smirk every two seconds, accuse Gwen of being a sorceress (shouldn’t she side with her own kind?), killing guards wherever she went, sneaking out with the clip, clap of her boots to make bad things, uh uh, in the woods, uh uh.

Third thing, Merlin tried, poor guy:

No, he is not perfect either, and I love it. He is a man who got appointed with this great job to do the right thing since he was a boy, and what did the lad do? Many wrong things, LMAO. And still, in his perspective, they were right. And we agree on most of them, don’t we? Everything because we’ve got his point of view. It was right for Merlin to try and kill a child, because of a prophecy; it was right to lie to Morgana, because she was upstanding, and he was just a peasant; it was right to free a dragon, and he was simply right on this one (yes, to me, there is no discussing this. I would have freed The Great Dragon too, and I cannot blame him for what he did after); it was right to poison Morgana; it was right for Merlin to follow Arthur everywhere and believe he was a good man despite everything, because the idiots loved one another more than they could hate the system they had been put in (spoiler alert, Arthur too has so many flows). Why listing all these things he thought were right? Because they were right to him, because we know his life, how much he had hurt, and how much death not only he saw, but also inflicted. And Morgana killed so many people too. She, multiple times, committed treason, and Merlin had enough information to know that she agreed to make Camelot sleep. Thinking only of saving Arthur and innocent people, he did what he thought was best (this is the same man who had already saved Morgana after he had already tried to kill her, because he tried with all his might not to be a killer, like he had said to the dragon long before), and poisoned her. Could there be an excuse for Mordred? I believe not, but Merlin believed there was, and that’s enough for him, for the audience, and that’s what makes him such a complicated and beautiful character. Merlin did help Morgana, even if he lied to her, and what if he didn’t? He could have got into so much more trouble, Gaius would have reproached him, Merlin believed neither Arthur or Camelot were ready to accept magic, or him, and Morgana, once finding out about the fact that he was Uther’s daughter, she would have probably still acted the same, because we later see that she didn’t want magic to not be outlawed anymore, but to simply, ehm, kill Arthur and everyone who got in her way.

Fourth thing, the other characters can be bad too:

Even if enchanted, Gwen did betray Arthur. (she is such a good character, and very kind, but I like when even the best ones do something bad). We know she is not guilty, but nobody knew, not even Merlin and Gaius, because they never found out she had been enchanted. And when she was evil, there are still consequences to the deaths she caused. Lancelot, even if a good man, and a good friend to Merlin, left before Gwen could decided if she wanted a relationship with him. Gwaine, who we love and adore, him too a complex character, didn’t think about it twice in kicking Merlin in the dungeons when Gwen, evil and enchanted, had accused him of treason. (yes, she is the queen, but Gwaine doesn’t seem the kind of character who would that, or maybe yes?) What about “you’re the only friend I have” and all that? Arthur still made prejudiced choices even when crowned king, and Merlin supported him, and we know why. Even bloody Sefa, manipulated by her father, decided to commit treason.

My point is, who wouldn’t have loved if things went differently, but at the same time, a TV show that is so perfect, with characters who cannot make a single bad thing, would have been still this enjoyable? Hell, that is the point of fiction, that is the point of writing, of directing. Even when we look at bad choices in a TV series, we try to understand why those things happened, why character A betrayed character B and the dominoes effect their relationship brought.

That’s what makes the TV show better. You can build things off bad things. You can make good fanfictions about what could have gone different. You can make theories debating whatever these choices were simply poorly made by the directors or made on purpose. You can discuss all day the relationships between the characters because they’re flowed, and sometimes even toxic.

That is the best part.

This is not to say that we cannot blame a character’s arc for something that happened, or try to redeem another character, instead, but it’s also good to be able to judge and point and write about it.

Even in this post I made points that I believe should be objective (siding with the oppressor, being an oppressor, not blaming a caged dragon for revenge, ecc.) and yet I still like the characters because I can blame them and talk about them exactly because they’re bad.

Moral of the story. A good story always has an antagonist. We shouldn’t delete that.

(and fuck you, Uther Pendragon)

See? Beautiful.

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