#I am only half kidding abt that by the way like. my mental health is never worse than in the summer. it is never prodded into hyper drive b

[imwritesometimes]

calls out of work with a severe case of *gestures vaguely at my life*

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[twistedyapping]

my experience with health n wellness n stuff

so i started adding weights alongside my cardio, changing my cardio routine just slightly, and changing my diet a tad like 3 months ago or so now-

i didnt do it to lose weight or anything, i did it to build muscle and also hopefully stop fighting god on the shitter- i basically just started doing it to do it bc like. Why not.

and real shit ever since i started really bryan johnsoning and david gogginsing life my whole everything has absolutely skyrocketed-

n im not gonna be one of those ppl that's like "LIFT OR DIE!!!!! EXERCISE OR U SUCK!!!!" Bc like if u have a solid reason why u cant, dw abt it- but in my experience since i changed all this stuff, my self esteem and confidence (and even 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 vibes) and Everything has just absolutely skyrocketed for the better-

Like i was someone who got winded bringing the groceries in the house (And i could hold like 4 light bags max), and if i like squatted down to the floor for any reason, it was a Full Body exercise to get myself back up to stand.

now i can literally get up and down using Only My Legs which is how it should be!!! And the other day i carried HALF the grocery load in the house and wasn't even winded!!!!!! Like that little shit is just so fucking worth it bro it makes u feel so much better abt literally everything in life

and i have visible muscle now!!! Im not a twig like i can actually do shit!!! And after being known as the skinny as a rail twig with no muscle for like my whole life, you have no clue how great being able to overhead press 21.5lbs Multiple Times feels for me- And like that's probably not a whole lot of weight for a lot of ppl, but mannnn i started with 16lbs and was DYING.

i can also fucking glute bridge 60lbs Like that's CRAZY to me and ya ya the hips r the powerhouse of the cell But i started with 54.5lbs. That is also insane to me.

the thing is like i literally never knew my own strength, like the small amount i already had, and i also never knew how to Increase it until now- And now i just feel more in tune with my body and even my mind like- idk everything is just Good and Better.

ya i got some days where i dont rly feel like eating bryan johnson food like quinoa n shit But other days i literally get hyped for it. and i measure my food n shit like-

and i was allergic to the idea of measuring my food n stuff at first- i genuinely hated the idea because i didnt want to find out i was getting like 0 nutrients per day i was PETRIFIED bc i was always told i eat like an ipad kid-

well turns out i actually Do get a lot of nutrients every day and even more now- and i dont measure my food to hit a specific amount of calories, i just measure it to know what im getting out of it- im not counting strands of spaghetti tryna make sure it's EXACTLY 116 grams, but hitting that double serving 232g dead on is satisfying ngl- Or cutting exactly 1oz of cheese- Like it's just fun 4 me idk

and i understand it's not fun for some ppl and that's 100% okay, i am not here to preach the fitness gospel, im just here to share my experience bc i enjoy yapping abt things

im not going the full mile like perfect everything, measuring every single thing on my body like bryan johnson (no shade, he's a well beloved name in our house bc it's funny to call quinoa n stuff bryan johnson food 😭😭), but i am just kinda chillin and like really starting to take my health and nutrients and exercise more seriously without being afraid of it like i used to be and it's in turn helping my mental health too which is why i do it-

i do everything i can to make my mind better bro call me david goggins the way im up in those brain cabinets clearin shit out all the time- But ya like. Idk shit's just Better.

so if this somehow inspired u to also go down the fitness path either by just starting out or going further down it than u already were- sick 🫡 Bc that wasn't my intention so that'd be a cool consequence of my actions 🫡

Anyway ya that's abt it. see ya

- 🌙 -

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey. I’m not sure if i need advice or if i just need to vent but i’m pretty angry and you’re really good at listening to random people talk abt their problems. (Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes)

So i had to to work the evening shift both days this weekend, and because of my particular brand of anxiety, i cant really do anything leading up to my shift. Like i get super nervous that i’m going to forget abt my shift if i do anything other than scroll through my phone or stare off into space. And then i found out that i’m also working the Monday and Tuesday after this weekend after school. At this point i’m pretty tired and knowing i wont even have a break after school is even worse. So, for my mental health I decided to skip school this Monday.

This is where the issue comes up. My mom was super against me skipping and we had a whole argument abt it. Basically i shouldn’t skip bc i’m “technically” truant, meaning i’ve skipped more than 11 days since school stared and they COULD either send me to court or have me pay a fine. Ik that sounds bad but they almost never send anyone to court or even make them pay any fines and most of my absences are from the first semester so i actually haven’t skipped in a while. Also half of those absences are my mom’s fault bc she forgot to email the school that i was sick or send them my doctors note which accounts for about 5 of my absences. And as long as one of my parents excuses the absence (which my dad is always willing to do) it doesn’t even count towards my truancy. When i tell her this she immediately pivots and says that well if she has to go to work then i have to go to school. Now i’ve always been really big on independence, i’m only an 18 year old senior in l Highschool but i KNOW thats bullshit, She works from home all the time and i was planning to do basically the same thing where i do the majority of my work at home and catch up on sleep until my work shift in the evening. So far this is pretty normal for my arguments about with her. Until i put my foot down and tell her that i’m old enough to have the right decide these types of things for myself and that i don’t think its fair for her to just decide for me. Usually she would relent but this time she threatened to CALL THE POLICE ON ME. I’m not exaggerating the escalation from a regular argument to a full screaming match was insane.

I was just so upset and it felt like she didn’t even see me as person who just needs a break sometimes. I was too scared to see if she would really call the police so i went to school. So, here i am silently fuming in class. I don’t even know if i’ll get through school with how mentally exhausted i am. Thats basically it. Just tell me if i’m in the wrong or over reacting or if i’m in the right. I’m such a mixture of angry and exhausted that none of this might make sense, but whatever. Thank you so much for listening.

Hi!!!

Well, I think there are separate parts to this:

Your mom isn't listening to your emotions. This happens a lot with parents, and it's frustrating. Even though she was making a valid point with the truancy, threatening to call the police and throwing her own (irrelevant) work in your face wasn't the way to do it. I've always wondered why parents think kids are going to listen if they aren't given the respect of the acknowledgement of their feelings.

The entire argument is difficult because, there are layers here. from what you're telling me, your mother is some of the reason you have some of these unexcused absences, because she hasn't done the paperwork. But I also am wondering, how can you even be considered truant if you're 18? And, at age 18, isn't it your decision? I'm confused on the laws here.

Given all of this...would I personally risk skipping school if I was risking truancy? Probably not. But I've always been afraid to get in trouble.

But I feel like that's not even the biggest issue. Can your mom not send the doctor notes to school to get some of your previous absences excused?

Also...the petty part of me is like...your mom is saying she has to go to work...but you have to go to work and school. so that's not an argument.

I feel like your mom didn't handle this well, to be honest. I know she's trying to prevent you from getting in trouble, but there were other ways to do it. I hope that makes sense?

Also, I hope work is going well! I'm naming you school anon.

[bluewormonastring]

My (last) live reaction to season 2 (episode 8)

SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY KIDS READ AT UR OWN RISK

Y’all I am not excited about this one with where we left of and my sister telling me I’m gonna be crushed it’s not looking good

I’m actually incredibly scared right now

This is wild

Awwww he’s fishin

AH THE ED VOICEOVER

This is so angsty and I love it

It’s abt to cut to some shenanigans no way is this fr

He’s in his sad girl era

Ew praying ha no thanks

AWWWW POP POP BE NICE TO ED

NO STOP HES TRYING HIS HARDEST

BE NICE

Ah u buttholes

It’s giving the baby stede tied to a boat scene

“You guys are dicks” phahhahaha

Aww the smaller little mini nose jar

JACKIE PUNCH HIS ASS WHATS GOING ON

I’m so fucking mad Auntie is dead I love her

Oh stede ur so you

AWW NO HES WORRIED ABOUT STEDE HE THINKS HE WAS ON THE BOATS WHEN THEY BLEW UP

Ed no murdering that’s not good for ur mental health smh

NO STOP DONT HAVE ED THINK ALL HES GOOD AT IS KILLING

CAN THIS DUDE NOT STAY SANE FOR LONGER THAN A FUCKING EPISODE JESUS CHRIST

Did Ed really just drag on wet leather under water there’s no way that went well he was definitely under there for like a few minutes struggling to put that shit on

Archie Fang get away from the front that’s how you get killed

IZZY

AH

IZZY UR SO PERFECT AND IM SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH

“And you’re… Pinocchio?”

IZZY NO DO NOT GO TO A SECONDARY LOCATION THATS HOW YOU DIE

Awww Izzy looks sad

This monologue is going to be the death of me awww Izzy ur growing so much I’m so proud of you

AH SOMEONE FOUND ONE OF HIS BOTTLE MESSAGES

OH MY GOD YES EDDDDDD

I’m hoping he’s now gonna take off all the Blackbeard shit and go back to being Ed and then somethings gonna happen and he’s gonna put them back on and he’s gonna keep flip flopping

“YOU WROTE ME A LOVELY LETTER” lmaooo

OH MY GOD STEDE IS ON A BEACH TOO THIS IS WHEN THEY RUN TOWARDS EACH OTHER OMG

AHH AND THERE ARE THE BRITISH

Lmaoooo watching everyone trying to run on sand is hilarious

LOOK AT THEM RUNNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER

OH MY GOD THEYRE KISSING AHH

Awwwww babiess

If one of them gets stabbed while they’re kissing I’m gonna kill myself

Zheng almost dying while they’re kissing is so funny

OH MY GOD AUNTIE ISNT DEAD

YAAAAAAAY

YESSS AUNTIEEEE

I LOVE YOUUUU

Awww look at the 3 besties just chillin having a good time surrounded by bodies

“You did very well babe” AWWWWW

I feel very lured into a false sense of safety here

Yeah tell his ass izzyyyyyyy

BUT LIKE DONT GET YOURSELF KILLED PLEASE IZZY I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH “and you are a rancid syphilitic cunt” AHH YESS

YES JACKIE YOU POISONED THEM ALLLLL

Totally fuckin called that that was poison fuck yeah

AWWWW AUNTIE AND ZHENG STOP IM CRYING

Aww look at all my ragamuffins

“It’s only suicide if we die” so true

GUYS IM ON THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE FINALE EPISODE IS OFMD ABOUT TO PULL A GOOD OMENS AND BREAK MY HEART

I’m incredibly fucking scared right now

FUCK OFF I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT

I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA KILL MY SON

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

IM GENUINELY MAD LIKE I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING PLOT I LOVE IZZY

Yeah whatever

I honestly can’t be fucked to watch this right now

I don’t give a shit about this

Fuck off I don’t care

Im so fucking pissed off they’re doing this I’m not even sad

Fuck you dude

Yeah this show is ruined for me now I just genuinely don’t want to watch any more of it

I honestly just don’t give a shit about finishing this episode

Yeah yeah they’re getting married who the fuck cares

Whatever I’m done with this shit yeah they own an inn okay sure whatever who the fuck cares cause I personally don’t give half a shit

Yeah alright shows over now bye I’m pissed off that’s genuinely ruined this show for me okay bye or whatever I guess

My live reactions to season 2 (episode 1)

SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY KIDS READ AT UR OWN RISK

Holy shit I’m so excited

Oh my god

Oh my god

Oauxbwkxjwhz

LOVE THE BLACK SCREEN W A SHARP CUT TO THE BEACH 10/10

OMG WE GET THE STEDE AND IZZY BEACH SWORD NOW? SO SOON? YOU SPOIL ME OFMD

Omg he’s been stabbed this is for sure a dream sequence

STEDE THATS MURDER EVEN IF ITS JUST IN YOUR HEAD

“You absolute twa….” BEST DYING WORDS EVER ILY IZZY ALWAYS AND FOREVER

THE SLOW RUN TOWARDS EACH OTHER OMG

AND STEDES FACE AND HIS VOICE AND AWW BABY

AWWW THE WAY THEY CRASHED INTO EACH OTHER

“BABE” HA FOWIHXBWNA I WAS NOT PREPARED

“I KNEW YOUD FIND ME LOVE”

“Fuckin love the beard mate”

Oh we’ve started farting lovely

OH MY GOD I WASNT PREPARED FOR HOW ID FEEL WHEN IT CUT TO HIM WITH EVERYONE AWW MY BABIES IVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH

“Cant be worse than you moaning ‘Ed oh ed’ all night” ILY PETE

Iconic title screen as always

“DEAR ED” AHHHH

SPANISH JACKIE ILY

Instantly taking an interest in the Swede as we knew would happen but still iconic

Ugh I love Leslie jones did I mention I love Leslie jones

Nat looks so scared aww baby

I love wee John being security

And host stede aww baby

I live for black Pete dealing with working in customer service

And all of them tbh

Aww poor buttons he needs his ocean and Livy

I’m ngl for a second I was like “where’s Fred armisen- oh wait”

ITS THE I THINK OF YOU OFTEN LINE YESS

HELLO YES I ADORE IZZY HANDS HE CAN DO NO WRONG IDC WHAT YOU SAY IVE MISSED MY BABY BOY

Ahh the wedding

“Demon? *shakes head* I’m the fucking devil” AHH

Guys were only 6 minutes in and this post is already long as shit so buckle up (if ur actually reading it lmao my ass would be like nope too long”

THERES MY VICO HELLO VICO ILY AND MY JOEL FRY ILY BABIES

Ah yes ye olde put trauma in a box in lock it

Awww fang baby boy someone give him a hug find him Lucius

Omg it’s the “you dumped him” scene

“Did everyone get some cake” because he’s still our precious little angle

HE JUST SNORTED RHINO HORN IS THAT A THING WAS THAT A THING IN HISTORY HUH

NO ITS THIS SCENE I DONT WANNA WATCH MY BABY BE SAD

Yes hello I love Izzy hands I would protect him with my life little baby boy

Vico looks so done w his ass

Someone give my baby a hug

Ily fang

The tears in his eyes during “unhand me” aww Angel

AWW IZZY

CONNOTHAN O NONNATHAN WE LOVE YOU YOU PRECIOUS LITTLE BOY UR ABSOLUTE PERFECTION YOU ANGEL

I love the friendship Jim and that girl have

Oh shit Jackie

“BOO CAKES” JACKIE

Stede honey you’re not intimidating

“I know that guy we had breakfast together” “you’ll be having a lot of breakfastes together” “oh okay 🙂” ily Swede

HIM DOING AN ED IMPRESSION LMAO “could be. Could be mate.”

“You’re my hero” 😞😕🙂😏

Swede bein a cute lil double agent

AWW SWEDE “my time with Jackie has been the happiest of my life. Her love has helped me locate parts of myself I didn’t even know existed and reclaim others that I have long missed” ILY

“Tonight is my turn to perform the husbandly duties”

“That’s another toe” ED YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM LEAVE MY BABY ALONE

“Who am I to you” aww Izzy Angel baby he’s accepting it OMG “I have love for you Edward” IZZY YOURE SAYING IT OUT LOUD IM SO PROUD OF YOU BUD

IZZY YOU DID NOT JUST SAY TALK IT THROUGH YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA

OMG AND THE SHIFT IN THE MUSIC AS SOON AS HE SAID IT

IZZY RUN

RUN MY BABY BOY RUN

“As a crew” OH EDDDDD

ED DONT POINT A GUN AT JIM

OR ANYONE ELSE

THAT INCLUDES YOURSELF EDWARD TEACH BORN ON A BEACH

“They think ya crazy” cackling his face omg

Go taika absolutely slaying this scene

The way the camera is all like jittery is so good

Jim’s like “beard” makes their chin look like… not caved in but idk like it looks like they have a rly bad overbite yk

“Everyone knows why” “I don’t. Enlighten me” “your feelings for stede fucking bon-“ *GUNSHOT* ARE U SHITTING ME EDWARD NO WE DO BOT SHOOT FRIENDS

OH MY GOD HE MADE FRENCHIE FIRST MATE HOLY SHIT

Oh my god Izzy my poor baby Izzy oh my god how dare you hurt my Izzy

LMAO SWEDE

“FUCK THOSE HAMMIES UP” LMAO

There’s like no way there’s actually anything valuable in that chest

WE GOT TO SEE HER TAKE A NOSE FOR THE NOSE JAR YESSS

OH SHIT INDIGO

“Now give me back my blue shit STEVE”

Susan’s hot

DONT HURT SWEDE

Oh good okay we’re cool

I feel like she’s lying tho

But for now we’re cool

AWW FANG

AWW JIM COMFORTING FANG

“WANNA HEAR THE STORY OF THE WOODEN BOY” AWW

Living for vico using they them for the puppet

“DO THE VOICE” AWW

OMG VICO THATS ICONIC

AWW YAY THEYRE LAUGHING NOW THOSE ARE MY BABIES YAY

Living for buttons reuniting with the ocean

Okay roll credits cheers yall see you next episode

[urboymutual]

hi, a veteran of parental deterfifying process. rule number one is that you've got to be patient - and not in a way that you've got to put up with your mom's bs, but in a way that you've got to brace yourself for something that might take a while. small steps are good here, as well as systematic exposure. don't flood with information - sneak it in, then sneak it in more often. don't give up. you deserve to be understood. good luck & stay safe

hi anon thanks for actually like . replying to the point of the original post 😭💗

um im gonna explain my situation more under the read more because it may be triggering tw transphobia tw csa mention tw suicide mention

so ive been out since i was 14 years old so its been about 6 years i wanna say. but lord knows ive been patient 😭😭 i think in the beginning it was kinda a battle we would constantly argue but i never really felt like. she would get to be this bad? like its like her brain is rotting by t/rf and anti trans rhetoric

like when i came out i was already in therapy and all the therapist i went to diagnosed me with gender dysphoria 😭 like every single one and she still couldnt believe it and i guess she was in the denial stage and what shes doing now is anger?

idk both my parents have the belief im doing it to make my mom made because i was a rebellious child and shit. but like it was really ur typical religious bigotry and i think thats why it hurts now :/

like ive begged her to go to pflag to talk to other parents of trans people i begged her to talk to trans people besides me ive begged her to listen to my point of view so many times but now shes like a full on t/rf conspiracy theorist

she claims theres a trans agenda, that doctors have initiative to "turn people trans" for money, that "sickos" took transgender out of the dsm because "men have a sick fetish for humiliating other men and making them into women" like this is full on like ur crazy trumper uncle who doesnt believe in vaccines type shit. and when i offer her scientific research its considered "bias" and everything i try to show her is bias.

but its worse because she now sends me videos in my fucking email of "feminist" lawyers talking about how we are "losing women" to the "transgender agenda" and how "men are trying to be women to hurt women" like ur typical t/rf bullshit and its like a mixed fucked up concoction of anti science t/rf christian ideology and it hurts so much 🫠 (she also sends me de transitioning videos that neither here nor there but cis people who claimed to be trans and now are de transitioning and are transphobic as fuck can die by my blade)

but its like . she is serious brainwashed and i think it might be this new church shes going to thats making her even worse and im like. i literally cried myself to sleep last night because like i just want her to love me and she yells at me on the phone saying im butchering my body and like she also says i need more therapy (i go to therapy every month) bc i "was molested as a kid so now i think im trans" and that i "just need to love my body" and it hurts because like. shes literally hitting every single transphobic point and wont listen to me ever

i try listening to her now to understand and to try to see where she is coming from but its ruining my mental health a lot like getting top surgery is the only thing keeping me from suicide to be blunt :/ and now i might not even have that because she's threatening to cut me off and i live in expensive ass california and am in college 😭 like i do not know how to keep going

im just a child on the inside begging for my moms love and shes so brainwashed and it hurts. but yeah i guess shes "so based" when she also threatens me on the phone. idk t/rf much rather see a dead trans kid than care abt women

anyways sorry this is so long it kinda became a vent which was like half the original point of my post in the first place 😭😭 ur advice is good anon but i dont know how much i can keep hanging on 🫠🫠

[shxxtingstarss]

stuff abt me

I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...

My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.

My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.

Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.

I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).

Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.

So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.

[homebody-nobody]

So last week lots of jiara writers were posting their wips and we never got to see yours so what are your current wips if you have any?

Yeah see I got tagged but none of mine have titles til right before I publish them so I didnt think I had anything cool to share. I'm honored u thought of me tho!!

Rn I only have four I'm *actively* working on cause I try and keep my workload ~somewhat~ manageable lol

Current title: ana's birthday fic

@rcsales sorry babe this is gonna be like... two months late now. Probly more whoopsie. Basically I promised ana club smut and then I accidentally gave it a storyline and now it's at 21.8k and I still have three more porn scenes to write AND all the respective connective tissue, so. That's where I've been focusing efforts and I know its gonna take me a while to finish yet, but it is the filthiest, most sinful thing I've ever fucking written and I'm not even done with the first smut scene yet, so prepare thyselves

Current title: 'katie's bday fic'

Ditto on the apology to @aarchiess for the tardiness of said gift. This one is much shorter and deadass half way done but I hit a block and am trying to get ana's done first so hopefully I can slam it out in like 2/3 days once I'm done with the epic currently in progress. It's literally just van sex.

Title: 'home (where your heart is set in stone)

This is my roommate fic I have like 8 anons clamoring for and I SWEAR TO GOD GUYS ITS NOT ABANDONED!! I have the entire outline finished and I am still really excited to get working on it again, but I have the previous two fics to finish first.

Title: caught between (the devil and the deep blue sea)

Another multichap that looks forsaken but is not. @aarchiess and I brainstorm for this monster daily and it lives rent free in my head. We r still outlining and chap two is started, with a ton of other scenes half-written and conceptualized, as well. I want to finish the "oneshots" first n then slam out at least two chaps of home before I fully body this fic, but Katie works on it a lot in small pieces and we r both excited to share it with y'all

Floating ideas:

Engineering school au collab with @yellowlaboratory

5/6 n 1 abt ~sinful things~ collab with @hvitstark

A band au with rockstar!JJ and reporter!Kie that will probs be my next multichap after home and caught between are done

And about a million others that float around in my brain that I keep ~meaning to get to~

Anyway, thanks SO much for asking, and hopefully this is an answer to the anons that keep asking abt the multichaps... I'm sorry for ignoring y'all I get ~anxious~ lol. I swear I'm writing!! I just also started my first Big Kid 9-5 so I dont have as much time to spend on fic, and I've been trying to do less screens for mental health reasons, so even if the writing is going at a snail's pace, I promise the idea factory is churning at all waking hours.

[b00bconnoisseur]

Under the cut im just ranting abt my mom so you dont needa read or anything 🤷🏽

I am just so fed up w my mom and am so goddamn close to telling her bitch ass motherfuckin self off for how shit she is to everyone especially my lil sister who takes the absolute most shit from my mom cause shes so far gone wrapped into her mindgames that we can see that she doesnt. We see and know that shes a narcissistic abusive (emotionally, mentally, and even has been physically) gaslighting manipulative homophobic racist and annoying bitch ass motherfucker who calls herself a mother but aint shit. Shes so shitty so thats why she aint got any frens, over half her kids hate her, her husband dont like her, family members dont like her, her DAD dont even want her in his house and only lets us live there because his grandchildren (us) and has said multiple times that if it wasnt for us he wouldnt let her stay w him at all point blank, alotta strangers dont like her, even all the librarians i knew at the library didnt like her and she knows it, she also gets karma n wonders why she gets so much bad luck, etc. She aint got anyone and thats cause shes a cunt. Once we all leave her she'll have no one and will be alone and miserable and i cant wait to hear abt her breaking.

I just so bad want to just yell at her abt how shitty and manipulative and abusive she is and how bad of a mother she is and how i so bad want to leave her, like legit leave to across the country cause i wouldnt live in the same state as hee cause ik how crazy she is and she'd try n find me, and wanna cut her outta my life completely point blank

Like how does she expect me or anyone else to like her when she just uses people and gets mad when ppl dont do what she wants n doesnt get her way, yells n screams her lungs out abt EVERYTHING, etc. She feels so entitled and that shes such a victim at all times that literally when i finally CAME OUT AND ALSO SAID I HAD A GIRLFRIEND she had a full argument with me the next morning and when i was loudly balling my goddamn eyes out IN FRONT OF HER from how mean n shit she was being to me she was like "why are YOU crying?" and played victim and said i was being rude n not considerate of how she would feel abt me telling her i was gay and said she would've just wished i waited another like 6 months till i was 18 to say anything. And she still continues to be homophobic

Anyway not the point but LIKE. Shes so trash n i cant stand her omfg

And she has serious shit wrong w her and bothers everyone w her mental shit. Like its not even "hey can i talk to you about this?" Like she constantly every second of the day talks about herself. She tells every single thought that goes thru her brain at every second ABOUT THE DUMBEST SHIT LIKE "i had a thought about what if i got possessed or you got possessed or i switched bodies with this person in the tv or you or you did or anyone or any" to my SIBLINGS and if they arent listening or dont respond or are like "um" she gets so angry and plays victim. She acts lik a full blown child i cant stress this enough. Shes so annoying and im just. And like she literally annoys everyone and makes everyone uncomfortable and irritated with how much she just keeps talking abt every fucking tiny dumb thought she has and i literally starting crying cause i couldnt take it anymore. Like she was and is heavily affecting my mental health n i told her that and she was just like "um you hurt my feelings, youre so mean" and shes SO MUCH WORSE NOW. I literally cant take it. If she was someone else id block them or cut them out of my life for how toxic and shit she is. Theres a difference between talking abt your mental shit and then forcing everything youre feeling onto everyone and getting mad when theyre tired of hearing it. Like i definitely have mental issues of my own but i dont go to my gf or frens every second and tell all my shit cause who tf does that and also theyre gonna be annoyed to hell w me and be like "bitch please stop we're tired"

Anyway i hate my mom

[kissmejuyeon]

hey Sara! 🌸🐇

this might be a personal or difficult question, so if you don't want to reply, that's totally fine!! 💕

i went to a school where i was lowkey taught that uni is the only option after graduation, that anything else isn't as "good" and we weren't even taught abt anything other than uni either. no one ever mentioned apprenticeships or voluntary years, let alone spoke positively of them. it honestly installed in me this fear of being seen as lesser if i don't go to uni and now it's been almost 4 years since my graduation and I'm still struggling with the inferiority feeling of not feeling like uni is the right place for me. i think i want to do an apprenticeship, but by now i feel almost too scared to start anything in fear of not managing.

did you deal with this kind of thing in your schooling/ upbringing as well? and how did you get over those feelings? :( if you have even the tiniest advice, id be super grateful 💙

Hey love!!! Happy new Year <3

I can totally relate to what you’re feeling!! I def had those same feelings and thoughts, and i am not gonna lie, it took me a while to figure out what i want to do, and how i stopped focusing on what other wanted of me. but i’m going to try to explain my thoughts, so please bare with me.

i had to put this in “keep reading” cause i word vomited lmao

I was lucky that i grew up in a family that always thought me, that i do everything in life for myself. I should always focus on what I want to do. BUT, i had extended family and a few friends that always talked about uni and doing something in life that is “not working in retail” (just an example) All they “wanted” me to do is make money. 

My dad never finished high school and my mom started two apprenticeships that she never finished. I always knew i wanted to do more than what my parents did. And i don’t mean it a mean or bad way. (i hope you know what i mean) 

i was a “gifted” kid in school, and good grades came easy to me, until i finished 10th grade and i started my A-level. Then i hit rock bottom. I actually never planed to do my A-level, but i had no idea what to do with my life in year 10, so i decided to go to school for 3 more years, so i have a little more time to figure stuff out. (Spoiler: i didn’t) When i decided to do my A-level (In germany you need it to even go to uni) i thought uhMm maybe i should go to uni because many people around me where starting to talk about it and made me feel that my decision of never going to uni was me planing on becoming “nothing”. Which is totally stupid. Not going to uni does NOT mean you’ll never become anything!

by the i finished my A-level, which i barely passed, i still had no idea of what i wanted to. the only thing i knew was, that i wanted to do something that brings me happiness and joy! And the only time i found happiness and joy was in books (and one direction lmao). So i started to think about the idea, that i could start working in a bookstore. But at that time, my friends already started Uni (med school, law etc.) and others went to go abroad to study. And i felt like i was worth less. But i also knew that going to uni would only further the descend of my mental health. So i really focused on working in a bookstore and do an apprenticeship as a bookseller. 

Through a friend i got the opportunity of working in a bookstore (I applied before but i was sadly rejected). After the first day of work, i knew, this is what i wanted to do with my life. My mom always pushed me into applying for apprenticeships that i didnt wanna do, which i told her i didnt want, but it only caused many fights between us. but tbh ... i didnt care. i wanted to do what i wanted to do! So i focused on my carreer in the bokstore. i stopped focusing on what other people want to do in their lives, but rather focus on what I want to do. 

so i worked at the bookstore for 2 years, then started my apprenticeship, then i worked for 4 months as a bookseller and now i’m the deputy manager of the store that i did my apprenticeship at. now i know i only got to this place and position because i stopped focusing on what other people wanted.

end of my biography but i feel like it needed to explain this to validate my points lmao

and heres what i can tell you, do what you want to do!!! if you dont want to go to uni, do not go. is there something that brings you joy? clothes? books? try working with something that you like, and figure out what you wanna do that way.

Other people think they help you when they try to push uni, grad school etc. into your life, cause they think that whats best for you. but you are the only one who knows whats best for you!

in bookseller school, half my class was people who dropped out of uni to start working. not going to uni or dropping out of uni doesnt make you any less amazing or capable of reaching your dreams. 

the sad thing is, we need money to survive in this world, so you need to make money one way or another. and people always promote the narrative of figuring out what you want to do immediately. which is fuckign bullocks. you can start over and over again of you need to. if you start a job but after a few months you realize, its something you dont want to do, quit and find another job. Starting over and trying out jobs is nothing bad! 

but i think the first step you need to to, is to realize that what you do in life, is for you and only you!!! 

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR JAY

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

this man would kill to be taller in .0002 seconds if he could. he was bullied for his height, bullied for being severely underweight, bullied for feminine hips, for.. literally anything. he hates it all. as an adult, he’s managed to pull himself out of the underweight category, but it’s solely from muscle. he’s still incredibly thin and small, just as he’s always been. you can’t get him to be comfortable without an oversized hoodie to hide in. he vaguely cares about being attractive, but it’s more ‘i don’t want them to be embarrassed to be hanging out with someone as fucking ugly as i am’ than anything else. if he’s not working or going out with people, he won’t even think of trying to improve appearance.

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

dislike. who the fuck cares about their appearance that much? granted, he’s had a nose job, but it was so he could still fucking breathe rather than cosmetics. he won’t dislike you as a person for it, but he’s going to instantly find you unappealing. it just bothers him for some reason.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

stability whomst? he has two modes of health: sick once a year or sick every other week. it depends on how much food he’s been eating and whether or not he’s blown food money on beer. fuck doctors. his overall health is fucked. doctors cannot explain why he doesn’t have x problems and how he’s even still alive after all of the beatings he’s had, especially when it comes to the brain damage. he has seizures, sometimes an arm will stop working for a bit, sometimes he can’t hold anything, sometimes he’ll have a burst of amnesia. he’s a medical mystery to the point there are literal scientific articles on his case, and 98% of the time if he lands in the hospital for something they’ll just shrug it off. it’s gotten to the point he’ll break bones and still not go, because he learned how to fix that fucking problem himself when he was like 12.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

:^) he’s gotten away with murder ( though it was self-defense ) through the insanity claim, which is actually really fucking hard to use. that should give you an idea of his scores on mental exams. but again, he has brain damage, and every single psych he’s ever interacted with has mentioned that they can no longer determine what’s an actual mental illness or what’s just his brain being physically unable to function correctly. he’s never been to therapy, but he’s been tested several times. his scores changed every time, for every section. the only thing anyone’s certain on is PTSD. Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia have been heavily considered, but even professionals argue with each other. he’s a medical mystery even in mental health. he needs therapy, but his disorders make him extremely avoidant of it. that is not to say everything i listed is true, nor is it to say there isn’t anything unlisted here.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

oof. how anxious is he? if he’s anxious, he’ll fix himself 1000x times. if he’s not doing anything special, he’ll walk out the door without a second thought. he doesn’t spend a lot of time on anything, but he does make sure he’s well groomed and put together. it should be noted, though, he doesn’t look in the mirror. his own apartment doesn’t have one, and he avoids public restrooms like the plague. his own reflection is a fucking trigger. this is probably why his eyeliner is always smudged.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

confusing as fuck. he’s lonely as hell and constantly wants to hangout with people, but he also will have periods of avoiding them like the fucking plague. he loves hanging out! he fucking hates being out! who knows! for the most part, he has a lot of friends in a lot of places and will gladly drink with any group of strangers, but he’ll yeet the fuck out if you try actually getting close to him. he’s alone, always, at home and only around people when working or getting fucked up. having other people around too often, like a roommate perhaps, will make his mental health act the fuck up.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

in his words, it was a great big pile of horseshit on fire. he literally has brain damage from it. he can’t leave his own room without convincing himself it’s going to be his living room, not his childhood home, and sometimes he’ll open the bedroom door and see his father standing there, and then he’ll fucking yeet back into bed. obviously it’s impacted him just a smidge. definitely not full of self-hatred and constantly fighting himself to do shit he likes, absolutely most definitely not traumatized in a million forms and continues to trigger himself because how the fuck do you go about your day not panicking half of the time. IN OTHER WORDS, he was a fucking parent to his brother when he was only 4, he would rather die in the most slow, most painful death than return to childhood. is he even still alive bc he doesn’t know

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

if you knew him before his skull was caved in, you would call him a freak for how fast he could think and solve problems. he was the type of genius you’d only heard about in stories, and he pissed off his teachers because he never even needed to be taught. show him the super simple problem once and he knew how to do everything for the next three weeks. he grew up on the streets and read shakespeare for fun. he lost it all. it now only shows rarely, on really good days, when the stars want to align.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

summer. he literally lived outside most of the time since he was a kid, and summer nights were easiest. outdoor concerts, parties late at night, cookouts and campfires. he also loves storms.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

which personality is showing most at the time? he’s gotten accused of rape for helping a woman once. let that sink in. but also, he’s helped so many people he’s protected by half the city’s underworld. who knows.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

o k a y listen. these r getting too hard i literally don’t know ok can i asked which disorder or which personality is showing most at the time for this bc IT CHANGES like everything always does. mostly, he’s,, weird. he actively seeks it out in the sense he’ll go on dates regularly, but he’s not actually trying to find a girlfriend. he’s carefree. also traumatized. really wanted romance until his heart was ripped to shreds and now he’s convinced himself he’s not lovable, too complicated, extremely undesirable, and especially undeserving of it. he won’t let it happen. no one should have to suffer by having to deal with him. if you’re including things that were just for fun and both parties knew it wasn’t serious, he’s had a few girlfriends. if we’re only including serious things, then he’s only had (1) serious boyfriend. They were together for nearly two years, and they split solely because Jeremiah a) didn’t want sex as much and b) didn’t want to try any kinks. def no trauma from that, absolutely doesn’t panic abt not being good enough or wanting it enough or being pleasing or being fun or attractive or too scarred. nope. also totally doesn’t do shit he doesn’t even like / triggers him just bc they want it gotta give it to them. perfectly fuckin’ fine after one relationship.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

our options: 1) aggressive 2) smooth n flirty 3) soft n adorable. he is all of the above. if you’re from the city and connected to the drug world at all, there’s a big ass chance you’re aware he was a major dealer at one point, the son of a psycho serial killer, and connected to damn near every gang in some way. there are few people who would be stupid enough to hurt him, just because there’s probably some member somewhere who’s going to get revenge for it. his rep is pretty positive if ur aware he basically turned the outskirts of the city from a shithole to a really good community. otherwise, u probably just think ‘criminally insane deliquent’. he doesnt rly care about it unless u start asking about his fucking dad.

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

b r u h i dont fuckin know im skipping this one, he’s just obsessive compulsive about the oddest things

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

no diet. no food. eat if money, starve if none. remember to eat who?? o u mean eat everything. who fucking knows. he can cook really well, sometimes, maybe. pizza and taco bell 4 life. fuck vegetables. fruits are delicious and to be treasured. he mostly eats like shit, if he eats at all.

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

none. no fucks given. still here bc no money to move. would happily fuck off to Paris or something.

[evangclines-blog1]

what  if  we  ......  pretended  this  was  a  good  intro  .....  aha  just  kidding  .....  unless  ?  i  was  just  gonna  link  to  all  my  stuff  but  ...  ur  girl  wrote  a  lot  and  i  don’t  wanna  be  cruel  and  force  u  all  to  read  everything  JDBWBDJBWJ  so  here we  go  !!   <3

( VENUS, PARK SOOYOUNG, CIS FEMALE, SHE /HER ) guess what, EVANGELINE RHEE has just landed in cannes with their private jet. they are a TWENTY-TWO year old socialite, who spends much of their time & money UPDATING THEIR SKINCARE ROUTINE. i think their family is in the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY and their net worth is around 10B USD.   

first things first ... i’m gonna drop some links in case u want to read everything i wrote at 6 am the day the submit closed bc im stoopid like that <3 

here u can find her full bio, stats, extended stats, and hcs ! the hcs are definitely the most fun to read so i recommend going to that page hehe

into the summary we go !

BACKSTORY:  suicide mention tw

eva’s dad is a movie producer and her mom was the beautiful woman he met at a train station <3 her parents had a very whirlwind romance, very love at first sight, very passionate and intense type of relationship literally everything you see in hollywood ? they had that ! they got married after only a year of knowing each other and had eva soon after 

thats when things got not-so-picturesque /: after having eva, her mom entered a pretty dark depression. eva’s dad ( who had been aware of his wife’s mental health and even warned by her family against doing anything crazy like getting married and having a whole baby so fast ) was kinda in denial about everything. eva’s mom still had her good days, but the bad days were really bad & when eva was only two years old her mom had an accident & passed away 

so while eva’s dad was grieving, he sent little eva to new york city to go live with her grandma !! eva adored her grandmother more than anyone else. she was a retired jazz singer, and a lot of what they did together was sit around and listen to old records <3 eva lived with her until she was five years old & that’s pretty much the only childhood she can remember since her mom died when she was so young !! 

when her dad brings eva back to france, he’s doing a lot better. he’s back to producing movies and throwing parties and being a part of society again ( things he had stopped while he was grieving for his wife ) and he even found his own form of “medicine” which was simply the company of beautiful women ! most of them were young actresses he met through his work, all of them were gorgeous, and they all adored little eva <3 

eva adored them right back ! they taught her stuff she imagined all mother’s teach their daughters: how to dress well, how to smell nice, how to get people’s attention, what makeup to wear, how to do your hair, how to speak so everyone hangs on to your every word, etc. she was still a little girl but she was absorbing all these lessons like a sponge, & it’s a big part of why she’s so obsessed with her own femininity and why she’s got this mindset about being beautiful inside & out in order to feel balanced. 

none of the women her dad brought home were ever at her house for more than a week. her father, who had been a notorious bachelor before eva’s mother, seemed incapable of falling in love again. that was his first and maybe only lesson to eva, which was how to break hearts, which is something else she absorbed & carried with her as she grew up

as eva grew up, she kinda became obsessed with trying to imagine what her mom had been like. no one in her family liked to talk about her, especially not her dad, but she knew she looked just like her and she was kinda always trying to fill in the blanks. but then one christmas her dad let it slip that her mom’s death hadn’t been an accident at all, that it had been on purpose. that was kind of the turning point for eva & she just kind of....stopped trying to re imagine her mom after that just kinda wanting to let her rest /:

she also went through a phase of doing stuff just because she could. she’d flirt with people’s boyfriends, she’d make strangers fall in love with her, she’d date people just to break up with them suddenly, etc. she kind of realized just how much she could get away with, but more than that, just how far people would go when they fell in love. she was obsessed with that, but also kind of jealous of those people just because she’d never felt that kind of soul shattering love for someone before and she really does want to </3 while she’s never been in love before, and while she does get bored of lovers easily, she still feels a type of attachment that is sometimes so strong she’s not willing to let the other person go even if she’s being selfish by hanging onto people she can’t get serious abt /: thats just life sometimes......whore rights !

FUN FACTS , PERSONALITY, AND TIDBITS: whore antics tw

 goes by eva, never evangeline. her grandma has always called her angel, and so that nickname has also carried over naturally

libra sun AND moon babey ! read abt it here

wears euphoria makeup to do groceries

 moved from paris to new york city for college to attend columbia university. double majored in english literature and business management. 

created what she called the “manhattan group” in reference to the bloomsbury group, which was a group of associated english writers, intellectuals, philosophers and artists in the first half of the 20th century ( that included writers like virginia woolf ) duringher freshman year. although meetings were supposed to be about discussing literature, it mostly became a place to drink warming champagne, flirt, and gossip. eva hosted the events & meetings off campus inside her loft. the manhattan group only lasted her freshman year though, as rumors of all the underage drinking and “cult-like behavior” persuaded her to drop it. that, and the fact that more than one member had fallen in love with her and things were getting quite tense. 

she never carries a lighter because she likes the way more than one person will offer her one if she asks for a light <3 

it’s a famous rumor that eva once spilled her drink on her chanel mini-dress at a charity gala and stripped down to her lingerie in front of everyone. it would have stayed a rumor if it wasn’t for the instagram story that went up of her only her underwear. 

she has a house phone in her nyc loft that only a select few people ( minus the strangers she’s given the number to while drunk ) know the number 

has a three year old black cat named june that she brought with ehr to cannes <3 

is the proud owner of a black maserati despite being an infamous bad driver. no one in their right mind, especially not her friends, would ever trust eva to drive.

it’s rumored she once snuck onto the yacht of a ceo to a fortune 500 company, only for him to find her in nothing but a bath towel eating chocolates while flipping through his playboy magazines, and that he was so taken with her instead of pressing charges he decided to name the boat after eva.

once spent a whole day walking around paris in a cheap pink wig and calling herself yvette. nobody could figure out why. eva often pulls stunts like this on a whim.

believes 2 is an unlucky number and is very superstitious about it, as that is the year her mother died. fully believes her twenties are cursed and is actually looking forward to the day she turns 30 just to escape the 2′s.

leonardo dicaprio once made a pass at her during the after party of a movie premiere she was attending.

during full moons, eva always has sex with the windows open. even if it’s winter, a window will be cracked open. this is one of her many personal superstitions. 

has a collection of old love letters, mixtapes, and presents past suitors and secret admirers have gifted her. while she cannot remember the origin of quite a few of the objects in her collection, she is attached to them still.

owns a replica of the famous cross necklace filled with cocaine that kathryn had in cruel intentions.

literally i basically just copied most of my hcs page im a clown i cant do summaries...

ok so personality wise ? shes a flirt. a whore, if u will. yes thats a personality trait now. literally if ur breathing shes flirting doesnt matter who u are doesnt matter if ur married if u have 10 kids doesnt matter like she will flirt....does not know how to open her mouth without flirting 

big on aesthetics /: believes everyone should get manicures like if ur cuticles are showing shes gonna gag . get help <3

not good at being held accountable for her actions. she’s not really the type to be malicious on purpose, but since she really does play with ppls feelings a lot it’s inevitable she’s gonna hurt someone but if u bring it up shes just gonna be like .. me ? at fault ? u must have the wrong girl i’m angel ...

likes 2 play games JSBDWBDJW clearly....matters of the heart are her fave kind but she also likes doing kinda ridiculous stuff for fun just to see how ppl are gonna react, also likes to do stuff just bc she knows she can usually get away with it 

loves skin care like she will be ur dermatologist ( self appointed ) she will gift u a moisturizer she will get everyone to do facemasks with her u cannot escape it ...

has trouble being alone but won’t admit it / doesn’t even really realize it ??? like it is... very rare u will ever find her sleeping alone or spending a whole day in just her own company 

not shy.....at all like JBSJDWBJDW she could use some shame but she has zero unfortunately 

despite being a whore....she is a HUGE romantic like whew she is obsessed with old love songs & is always playing them on her record player she loves to slow dance <3 she often gives ppl her fave poems ( usually poems abt sex ), she loves getting roses, loves kissing ppl on the cheek when she’s wearing lipstick, & she likes to leave ppl voicemails like ... shes really living like she is the main chara of a romance movie and everyone else is extra #5 most of the time... 

idk what else to say im sure shes gonna evolve once we start rping bc that always happens to me but....for now.....this is the end ! *cue feel special by twice*

[infinite-insignia]

((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

Opinions on things that might make people mad

Hunt pedos and rapists and murderers, not poor innocent animals, its a lot more fun. And it shouldnt be illegal because in my opinion those people have done things that are punishable by death.

Yall who say meat and dairy industries arent that bad are wild just do some goddamn research before you get mad at me for stating facts 👀

It should be illegal to have weapons anywhere near schools (unless you are a cop and are required to have them, but you should be very careful and guard them to keep them away from students AND TEACHERS at all times). I figured by now people wouldve learned how kids who are gonna shoot up a school or have weapons act before they use them, and those are the people who need to be checked and talked to. Having clear bookbags is not a good option because some people have comfort items theyll get picked on for and people who start their period early get picked on (i know from experience, trust me).

The voting age should be 16. People can form full thoughts by the age of 16. Enough said.

Thenwarning on cigarette boxes shoukd be bigger and more noticeable on the box, and you should be warned before buying them. So many people die from smoking, and 2 people in my house smoke, one of which as already had cancer and refuses to quit, and the other is too fucking stupid to realize he should quit if he doesnt want to end up like the other.

people should not be "cancelled" just because they said something was bad. They should be cancelled if they are a rapist, murderer, pedophile, etc.

ALSO the first one is half joking half not. I believe those people should be sentenced to death by law if and when they are caught but thats not always the case and that pisses me off

Add on number 1:

Hey just a reminder that when animals get harmed or slaughtered they do not understand why it is happening and they did nothing to deserve it but they dont reslize that. So yeah.

Dont be rude to people just because they dont eat like you do. Some people have to be vegan or vegetarian for health issues. And some people cant go vegan or vegetarian for health issues. Not everyone can be one way.

Dont be rude to people because they dont believe what you believe, unless their belief is IN ANY WAY harmful. Everyone has the right to believe what they want.

Add on number 2:

Scene kids and emo kids arent cringey, you guys are all just cowards.

You dont need dysphoria to be trans but taking a random object and somehow calling it a gender is really fucking weird and i have NO FUCKING CLUE how people turned autism into a gender but its disgusting to me im sorry. Though i am open to learn about this some more, so if you want to teach me about this stuff feel free to message me or send me an ask.

Otherkin isnt cringey or a mental disorder, its just people being people.

Shady jeff was only good whenever he sung in hu songs (literally once in scene for dummies and pretty much just background vocals) but everything else about him fucking sucks

NOT AN OPINION LITERALLY A FACT THAT 40 YEAR OLD WHITE SUBURBAN MOMS NAMED KAREN CANT ACCEPT: CHILDREN NEED TO BE VACCINATED!!!

Furries that dont harm anyone and dont fuck animals are not cringey.

Idc if you live in the most redneck area out there: being up at 5am blasting country music from your truck and playing beer pong when you have neighbors that are trying to sleep is extremely disrespectful. Same goes for roommates who play video games real loud at 3am. Its disrespectful to the people who are just trying ro sleep. This ones more so a rant abt my personal life and whats happened since moving to georgia.

WOMEN SHOULD BE ALLOWED ABORTIONS IF:

-having the child will kill them or the child, they cannot financially afford to take car eof the child, they were raped, its an inbred baby (this could give it a deformity that could hinder its life, but if it doesnt get to live to begin with then it wont have to suffer), the mother cannot take care od the child for whatever reason.

WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ABORTIONS IF:

-she just wants to have a kid to abuse it in any way for any reason

TEACHERS SHOUKD DO MORE THAN JUST SEND A KID TO THE OFFICE TO SIT FOR AN HOUR BC THEY HIT A KID EVEN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THE ONE WHO THREW THE FIRST PUNCH NEEDS TO BE SENT HOME AND DEALT WITH BY THEIR PARENTS. IF THE KID ACTED IN SELF DEFENSE AND NO ONE NEARBY (WHETHER ITS A TEACHER, THE BUS DRIVER, OR ANOTHER STUDENT) WOULD HELP THEM, THEY SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED.

I DO NOT CARE IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THE FACT THAT IM VEGAN. I HAVE REASONS WHY I AM, AND YOU HAVE REASONS WHY YOURE NOT. HOWEVER!!! IF YOUR REASONING IS JUST THAT WE WERE "MADE TO EAT MEAT", AND YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO AT LEAST TRY AND UNDERSTAND BOTH SIDES OF THE ARGUEMENT, DO YOUR RESEARCH!!

In ANY arguement, understand all sides first! Especially whatever side you take! It makes it s lot easier and keeps you from looking like a fucking idiot when you know what youre talking about and dont just use the same 1-3 points over and over.

Healthy food shouldnt cost so much just because its not junk food. A lot of people buy junk food because they cant afford to eat healthy.

Will add more as time goes on

[klugpuuo]

okay not very good at directly analyzing Characters but i can sure as hell analyze the Songs

first song is

solitary envy

i listened to this SO MUCH as a kid. there were two mvs i know abt, one was kinda creepy and i only watched it once and the other where it's a kid who tries to commit suicide after being severely neglected but is saved by her parents who immediately realize what they did wrong and are kind to her

the song itself plays a lot on innocence (or supposed lack thereof) and a sense of being abandoned, as well as feeling like you aren't good enough.

so this song could be here to draw attention to roll's feeling of being..lesser? she seems to struggle a lot with self-worth issues (seen in the backstory comic)

the other general themes of the song are important, but i'll draw more attention to them while talking abouuuut-

DON'T GO

sense of feeling abandoned indeed!

"it's nothing, i thought to myself the truth is, i want to stop those footsteps for a moment but you're gliding forward with such quick steps that i simply watch"

i've never listened to this song before so i don't have as many connections with it, but i can tell just from those lyrics alone

it seems that roll feels a bit left behind by her len. from the little we've seen them interact, it's obvious that they were very close - but while roll tends to take things slow in the general sense, her len was (in her own words) "very driven", and intentionally or not left her behind. (i personally am leaning more to "intentionally but unknowingly" considering the lyrics of the song, but that's only if the song is 1:1 or very close to what happened in the story)

going back to the song itself - everything about it points to it being one more of regret than resentment. the soft instrumentals, even the lyrics themselves - there's not a hint of anger, just massive amounts of deep sadness.

unrelated but some parts of this song read like a description of disassociation so. mood

nEXT-

quiet room

another song i know! both for good and bad reasons. im skipping this one for the most part as it brings up bad memories HOWEVER :

losing innocence and falling apart relationship- and mental health-wise is basically this entire song. near the end there's a slightly more hopeful note but the majority of it is nothing but Owch Oof Owie and Do You Remember When We Were Kids

VOLGENDE LIEDJE

flowering

i was gonna say i dont know this song but the chorus is VErrrry familiar so who knows

from the first few lyrics there's even More allusions to being "lesser", feeling of worthlessness and being the dark to someone's light.

also "reaching out" to the light while being in the dark, constantly feeling a despair that perhaps this other person could help solve..?

part of this song calls back to the backstory comic, which might i add i've read about twenty times it's just. so good

forgetting important things, feeling like you're the only one who's the same while everything else is moving so fast, getting lost in despair, not wanting to change but knowing at some point you probably should try...

schema

more themes of forgetting, this time with additional violence

feeling like you're hurting someone you love, trying to act aloof but you feel like a terrible person

begging for light, a salvation that isn't possible

oh yeah also trans colors and there's a gun

EVE SONG EVE SONG

EVENS SOSSN SOFNFS AOUGN SIGHG

EAT UR HEART OWT

i made an icon set of this once. i like this song

self-cannibalism, other-cannibalism, all in a metaphorical sense. addiction to a person and places, maybe even to the concept of feeling hurt or hurting. beind desperately and terribly alone.

"find me, before i eat myself"

Kusare-gedou and Chocolate

i know this one too!

rumors, half-truths and lies, oh my-

only gossip feels truly real, being kind to others is way too overrated and boring. somethng something paparazzi

i have massive amounts of thoughts on this song but i cannot articulate them. rotates it around in my mind. i understand why this song was put on this playlist and the placing is Good.

anther off-topic thing i like how the censor bleeps become part of the song

"oh, somehow i don't like this"

GOD-ISH

yay!

overuse of important things until they don't matter anymore, being too bored of normal things and trying to make everything extra, although it all just sort of falls apart and suddenly everything's boring again

there's not much to say about this song that hasn't already been said, and i'm not half as articulate as the youtube comments on the original upload, so i'll just leave it at that-

traffic jam

gross beat gross beat gross b

point the blame at other people! every time someone's hurt, it has to be just one person's fault! otherwise the media isn't interesting, otherwise the media doesn't make sense. otherwise we can't sell it

making out also. and killing each other. and making out

run away coward, anxiety-riddled mess, never really feeling alive. this song's point seems to be to playing on other songs

praying for someone to be seen as inferior to you, perhaps when you've been seen as inferior your whole life. you just want to be noticed, maybe? you just want the spotlight for once?

cruel? that's a good one,

handle with care

"i need you - sorry that was my demons" the song

"grow up already, you're an adult so you should act like one" is also something

even with companionship, even with love, things aren't always totally perfect

even when your job's going good, even when you get to write a lot, it doesn't really matter, none of it means anything

the direct reference to a brother makes me think of len - we don't see or hear any mention of him, but he had a lot of drive, he had tons of potential - he built buildings just for the sake of falling down head-first to his end, perhaps?

also a denial of low mental state - of COURSE i'm not feeling upset or lonely! i'm not depressed, anxious, or sad about anything at all! my life's great, so why should i be?

there's more to every single song but my head hurts and it's way past lunch so imma go end it here.

ecplodes

HANDLE WITH CARE

Kagamine Rin 6RU9 “Roll” || character playlist

[seablu]

Do 1-50 ho

1: what is your name and does it mean anything?my name is olivia, it just means olive

2: how long have you known your best friend?15 years! wow omg

3: what position do you normally sleep in?on my side cuddling a pillow usually

4: were you a part of any “clique” in high school?only at one school, i was totally in the super angsty kids club that sat against the wall (aka “the emo wall” or “the wall of shame”) at lunch and played guitars.

5: who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?ms. komori! i didn’t have the option to take japanese at my first 3 high schools, so when i got to my 4th one my senior year, i was in a freshman class she was teaching. they were awful to her but she still tried her absolute best to teach them and make sure they knew she cared about them as individuals. she talked a lot about the importance of mental health and self care & always made sure her class was a safe space for everyone, always had food in case anyone hadn’t eaten, made sure to ask if she wasn’t sure if somebody was okay.. basically she was just a literal angel always. that was so long wow,,, yeah i love her

6: do you wish to travel a lot?yes, 100%

7: did you participate in any sports while in school?not really, but marching band did kinda feel like a sport sometimes lol

8: show a sample of your handwriting:i would, but i am on a plane and i have no pen

9: have you ever given blood?no! i always wanted to, but they always told me i didn’t weigh enough

10: do you like the way that you grew up?not really but i’m still lucky

11: do you like your siblings? why or why not?my brother doesn’t really have a personality yet so idk

12: how did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?our dads were both pilots for eagle at the time & we were three, and they decided to get us together so they took us to chuck e cheese. honestly i have no idea how we became best friends cause she stole my tokens and i’m pretty sure I punched her?? but i haven’t seen her since the deep end of my scene phase in 9th grade and she’s finally coming to see me IN 4 DAYS

13: name one movie that made you cry.gran torino ooh shite

14: do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?both

15: things about someone that you find attractive?literally everything abt the person that sent me this ask

16: what song are you currently listening to?general tso what by jank

17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?my nose, once by flip-turning directly into the wall during my big freestyle relay at state (i still won) and once again at a concert. i was watching emmure from barricade and some fucker behind me literally threw a crowdsurfer, and he landed right on me, so my face went directly into the metal barricade & re-broke my nose. i then went straight to the pit and got punched to top it all off! (i had 2 black eyes at school for like a week and a half & all my teachers thought someone was beating me)

18: a random memory from you childhood:i forced my parents to let me dress up as bob the builder for halloween when i was four

19: where did you grow up?ft. worth texas & ardmore oklahoma

20: what was the last thing you watched on tv?the office

21: do you think you’d make a good parent?yes but i have to get all the crazy out of my system first

22: would you like to meet any of your tumblr friends in person?no bc i don’t have any

22: what was the last dream you remember having?i went back to one of my old high schools to watch a football game and there were only 3 people in the marching band

23: when is your birthday?july 23rd, exactly one week from today!

24: how many pillows do you sleep with?two or three

25: do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses?i was prescribed some last year but i lost them a few months ago, i only really needed them cause they were supposed to help with my migraines but they didn’t anyway

26: what color is your hair?dark brown

27: name 5 facts about your appearance:i’m short & tiny, i have really pale skin, my hands are oddly big, i have a few freckles in summer & i have 0 hips

28: what is your favorite soda?this peach soda i tried overseas oh my goodness gracious

29: what is a strange talent that you have?idk i can play the french horn

30: how’s the weather right now?looks real dry over new mexico rn

31: why did one of your friendships end?because he made me very uncomfortable & did a lot of really creepy, inappropriate things i won’t go into on the internet

32: who do you miss right now? the person that sent this ask

33: why did your last relationship end?bc i found out he didn’t love me at all and was just using me.

34: are you still figuring out who you are?absolutely

35: have you ever been admitted to a hospital? why?quite a few times, yeah. a variety of reasons but the most recent time was because i had a super violent bug and needed to be put on an IV

36: what is your favorite restaurant?i don’t think i have one

37: what is word that you always seem to spell wrong?annihilate

38: would ever adopt kids?absolutely

39: what is your favorite kind of pizza?classic pepperoni

40: what was your first thought when you woke up this morning?i was in a hotel room with my family and my half asleep mind thought my mom’s snoring was a weedeater

41: when was the last time you got really really happy and why?earlier this month when i stayed a few days with @manilla-folder cause i’ve missed him for so long and he’s my favorite person in the world

42: what’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?someone dared me to eat a fish eye in japan and i did it.

43: how do you start a conversation?.. i usually do not

44: what’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately?the japanese house

45: do you come from a family “of money?”not really, nope

46: do you have a bucket list?yes

47: what is your favorite series of books?i don’t have one, all my favorites are novels

48: when was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt?one of the days when i was laying around with @manilla-folder , i don't even remember what he said but oh my god he was so funny and i couldn’t breathe

49: where do you go when you’re sad?to my bed or on long drives

50: 5 random facts about yourself:i love outer space, i can’t do a backflip, my cat is missing one of his front teeth, i want to live in japan one day, and my favorite color is light pink.