#I am not smart enough for this class
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I am not having a good time with astrophysics
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my favourite ship dynamics if that makes sense:
#otp prompts#ship dynamics#if you think about it metaphorically enough#idiot x smart idiot#lower class x posh#complicated wrecked mess x neatly composed#(bonus points if the latter is the only one to truly understand the former)#gaslight x girlboss#drinks x smokes#fruit tea/coffee x green tea#popular x loner#maybe i am reading into it a little too much#this is so#murder husbands#drarry#stanarrator#lawlu#saigenos
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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]
#[.art]#self#complaining tag#I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever#love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME#that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean#about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way#she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here#or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april#that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways#you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough#which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god#dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me#and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways
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looking into the distance wondering how opening commissions would go for me this time if i did it again
#last time it went [didn't get any commissions]#so. erm.#is it a smart idea to do this with classes? probably not#but extra money would be awesome right now all things considered#so i'm. thinking. i'm thinking about it#but fuuuuck man I suck at pricing. And especially since i Never Get Commissions I know even LESS how much I should be charging.#uhghghrhhhhhhrhh. starts throwing things. etc.#and it would be art. not writing. i am not confident enough to do a writing commission. that's scary. also writing takes more time ihsdkgjh#RAGHHH!!!!!!!#whatever.#clamtalk
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"they should not make me do school" says the guy who is actively enrolling in college classes,
#sierra speaks#its not my faaault#it is#it literally i#weeping#its classes i like even but how am i supposed to have my personal life together and have hobbies and also have homework#i struggle w homework a lot not bc i am not smart enough to do it but because executive dysfunction is a bitch#its not even that i do things i like instead. i just do basically nothing#and then the other bits of my life get fucked up slowly and that builds up#im literally sisyphus#like wdym i finished this weeks homework but next week im gonna get more.
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It's strangely gender-affirming when my mom gets defensive and accuses me of mansplaining
#she didn't say that exact word this time but she has before lol#i'm just Speaking. she does not like it when i use ''academic'' words.#this is also actually interesting though! it's something i've started to pay close attention to.#i talk a lot in class anyway but as my peers are starting to see me more as male their perceptions of me are going to change.#so me talking a lot goes from 'wow she's so smart she should get her phd!' --#-- to possibly feeling condescended.#but i'm being generous here lol. i don't think ANY of my peers at school see me as male.#'her pronouns are they-slash-them' yeah fuck you actually. and they're not.#but on seeing me as male:#apparently my friends do and they have straight up never questioned it or thought of me any other way#which boggles my mind. i am not a tall or big person. i have a deep-ish voice for a female but it's not enough.#it's not enough.#last thoughts: you can't argue with my mother when she does her whole 'i just wish everyone was equal so we wouldn't need all these ---#--- categories and labels' thing. maybe i am mansplaining when i tell her why identity politics are necessary right now.#maybe she should develop a more critical consciousness instead of accidentally associating w the 'i don't see colour' crowd.
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Really really love that I sent an email to my professor asking for clarification on an assignment and she clarified absolutely nothing.
Cool.
#student peach#can I be a professor?#sometimes I think I might be better at it than these people#(doesn’t think she’s smart but apparently thinks she’s smart enough to teach a class on anything. I am a mystery even to myself)
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It's absurd how good I am at anatomy. I studied for my test like an hour and only got one question wrong. Should I have been a doctor?
#the doctor bit is a joke i absolutely am not smart enough to be a doctor#but i'm so so good at anatomy#after the test was over everyone was like ''i hate this class'' ''this class is going to make me drink'' and i was like.#that test was hard????#oscar talks to himself#school blogging
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Y'know I think I'm starting to truly understand the kids who just didn't do anything in class during middle and high school. As someone who used to be a gifted kid and never really got it. Fucking hell
#ramblings#neg#gee idk maybe when things are hard and explained in ways that are uninteresting and difficult to understand ppl won't want to participate!#who would've thought!#i always had some sympathy for ppl who struggled in school even when they seemed 'lazy' or whatever#but like i never truly got it bc to me most of that stuff was easy!#classes were engaging enough for me and usually easy enough to understand!#i was at a point where i had over a 4.0 gpa when i graduated which is SUPPOSED to mean i'm smart right??#WRONG#I DID WHAT TO ME WAS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR MOST THINGS#I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY EVER BC NOTHING EVER STUCK THAT WAY#IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME OF MEMORIZATION#AND BARELY ANYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY CLASSES STUCK AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS OF NOT GOING TO SCHOOL#ALL I EVER DID WAS GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS#Y'KNOW SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS GOOD TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD HUH#SHOULD'VE JUST DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT#GOD I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE#i am. so tempted. to just not do any of my work#but if my mom finds out i will never hear the end of it#i want to sleep. i want to sleep and stop thinking abt this. so so bad
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having a "former gifted kid" type mental spiral
#i say this because the spiral is actually about how much i hate the word and the general culture around giftedness#mostly because its incredibly inconsistent between schools so people often mean different things when they say it#but also because in my specific case its certainly not a gift but like. what am i supposed to call it.#its literally a neurodivergence in my case that has had many effect postive and negative on my life. but its also a school club.#and its also nothing! before the advent of like modern standardized public education i wouldve just been a curious kid#Without modern public education im not sure i wouldve even been different from other kids. maybe a little socially awkward still but idk#and like. Am i really different from other kids? am I now as an adult different from my peers? Occasionally i will get told as such#how the fuck am i suppose to talk about how much being seperated from my peers and held to higher standards sucked#when the name of the reason why this happened might as well be 'gods specialist little boy'#none of the things that make people think im smarter are really all that useful day to day. and most non-gifted people are like. still smar#i happen to be good at memorizing the kind of facts schools test you on as children#but is that just because i was told as a kid to be good at school and so i tried hard to do that?#even if I am uniquely good at that#does that really make me more intelligent than the high school dropouts who can fix cars like its nothing?#in fact i would say they are at least wiser than me for picking something practical to be smart at#at my school being gifted usually implied you were a little neurodivergent and bad at socializing#often our gifted kids were actually failing classes because they were smart enough to realize they didnt matter#(not me but still)#but at some schools being gifted just means you were an avid reader or were pressured by your parents to maintain perfect As at all times#so if i say. wanted to talk about how being 'gifted' has often made some aspects of academia like hating emails and having time blindness#and not having a good friend network and having many unadressed issues around not really knowing how to make friends#if i wanted to talk about that. and i say 'I was gifted growing up and this sucked'#the person on the other end might hear 'oh woe is me im so smart and this makes my life so hard'#AND FURTHER STILL#on tumblr especially 'former gifted kid' has kindve become parlance for 'guy whining about nothing'#or even 'person who they were told was smart but is actually kinda dumb'#which... yeah! theres a reason many former gifted kids are like that! thats kindve my issue with the program in the first place!#it takes otherwise relatively normal if well achieving kids and tells them they are gods specialist little children.#THIS CANNOT BE HELPFUL TO ANYONE? like whatever chance the kids had at seeming normal has been stripped away#and they now also think they are the smartest person in the room in every situation
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oh dont mind me. omw to base my entire personality upon tssm s2e01
#when i say the mysterio phase is hitting hard this time i Mean it. straight up chose to work on his music theme for my composition class +#offered his mcu theme for arrangement class. + there isnt a single notebook without mysterio sketches now.#also. the fact that his debut in tssm is happening in winter is so very dear to me because i hate spring and summer#OHHH ALMOST FORGOT i am currently extracting mysterio music themes from tssm instead of doing anything uni related bc GAHH THEY ARE SO. SO.#HE HAS SUCH A CLICHE EVIL ORGAN IN HIS FIRST APPEARANCE'S BACKGROUND#the idea of quentin clearly overplaying it in every detail like the music latin and very act that shows his half-ironic attitude in relatio#to his role is so slay. he is ALL fake and hes PROUD of that and he even lets you know if ur smart enough to notice these signs#tssm mysterio
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god im tired
#had class at two then back to back exams#and was braindead and crying by the time i got back at like 7:15 so just played video games for a few hours#and now i need to start studying for diffeq on friday#god i cant wait till saturday#would say friday afternoon but of fucking course i have three different fucking assignments due friday 11:59#what fucker thought “yeah we'll just put strengths of materials and physics back to back then diffeq two days after”#and ofc it's “mEntAl hEalTh wEeK” at my school#so im just sitting here crying for the tenth time today over physics/strengths/diffeq#and the advisors are spamming “come to this three hour webinar about burnout”#like...really#fuck everything why the hell did i ever think i was smart enough for engineering#my senior self was like “ooh this is cool” about circuits and lil robots and power tools#and now im sobbing over free body diagrams#am entirely convinced electric fields are black magic bc none of that shit makes any sense#im just so tired like i spent hours studying for these exams#did 2-3 backexams for each got little sleep since sunday#and i fucked both of them up massively#course my professor was like “if you can do these you can do the exam”#and i did those problems easily the night before and was like okay! let's work on physics!#and then the exam hit me like a fucking freight train#i can't even do the basic shit like stay fully awake for all my classes#bc of course they only offer three of the engineering courses back to back to back starting at 8:30 in the fucking morning#and im fine in thermo but just start completely crashing during strengths and am just half dead in diffeq#accidentally put my head down during a five minute break once and woke up twenty minutes later 😭#i am not a morning person#starting at 10am is fine but 8:30am?#adrenaline gets me through the first hour but then im just dead
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okay! enough despair (I hope) there’s not much to be done anyways other than crying some more (I’m tired of crying) or like focusing on what I can control (or at least try to)
#whimsy whispers#we will take baby steps and not put so much hope on things it’ll be fine (saying this I almost started crying again because I do no believe#that it will be fine)#I’ll get a job and save money then start taking ged study courses then I’ll get my ged#I’ll continue saving my money and contributing how I can and maybe the plans to live with kane and lex will work out#idk what to do from there#I suppose look into college classes even though I don’t entirely know what I want to do with my life#do I still want to be a librarian am I even smart enough for that? probably not#idk how to go about getting out of this state and far from it#I want to live far away and I want to be secure and I don’t want to be alone#but there’s no one to live with if I move far away#because everyone already has plans and most of them involve staying here and I just can’t do that I cannot live here for the rest of my life#I don’t want to be alone either but maybe I’ll just have to be#idk where to even like go that’s far from here the plans I had fell through and that simply can’t be helped and it was dumb of me to hold#onto the plans as tightly as I did because nothing is set in stone#I’ll think about all this when I get there I suppose like rn I just need to take baby steps i guess#I am trying so hard not to start crying again because i need to eat dinner and I don’t want people to ask why I’ve been crying
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Actually it is SO weird to me to remember that I was an engineering student and that later on I had been pursuing a minor in statistics
I may be a IT & com person in the end, but I do have the foundations of engineering and statistics in my brain too. Wild !
#speculation nation#if i hadnt liked coding so much i probably wouldve still been an engineer.#like my school does a first year engineering track where u learn the basics and then explore different engineering options#so by ur second year u choose your official track and that decides the rest of your schooling.#and id been thinking about computer & electrical engineering. often goes hand in hand.#guys i couldve been an electrical engineer. honestly that wouldve been so cool. wasnt meant to be tho 👍#i took a coding class my 2nd semester. first experience with coding. it was in C. i LOVED it.#and it got me comparing computer engineering and computer science and i decided that i wanted to do computer science#but well the intro course for that fucking sucked. didnt wanna go back to engineering either bc i hated engineering lol#im smart enough but it's fuckin soul sucking man.#eventually tho i found my way to my current home. im a techie :3 and im happy with that.#anyways do i seem like the kind of person who was into engineering and statistics? sometimes it's weird for me to remember.#but i did spent Years assuming id end up as an engineer. my grandpa was one. my dad was studying to be one b4 he dropped out#and my sister is one. just kinda runs in the family i guess. & so i was So Sure that was where i was going.#took. an engineering class in high school and everything. taught me some good foundational skills in modeling#also was the class that let me develop my signature. bc we had a notebook we had to sign the top of every day#so me doing my signature over and over again. i decided to use it as an opportunity to make it My Own. rather than just my name in cursive.#so yeah im a techie that talks good but i do have that math brain. engineering basis. statistics knowledge.#kinda feel like a jack of all trades (master of none) with it all. but see thats a good thing for companies (i hope)#ive got foundational knowledge of many things. and i am Adaptable. they can teach me the in depth shit i need to know themselves.#and i Also have my work experience in management... which i hope will help my case when applying to companies too.#aaaahhh!!! so many things to think about!!! but at the end of the day i am smart & educated and i will be a good asset to any company i join#i just need to convince them of that 😂 but i can probably figure something out. something !!!#i will graduate college and get some kind of IT job that pays decently & work my way up to maybe someday being an IT manager or smth#i can finally start. truly growing up. instead of being stuck in forever college unable to drive myself anywhere.#have my IT job and a car and the ability to do Whatever i want.... god i want it so bad.#im just daydreaming by this point. god im so excited to finally graduate college.
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it is week 5 and every week has been crazy like. give me. a break. please.
#my lab partner two weeks ago had to go to a conference across the country#so he was super busy and meeting up to meet him was exhausting. cause i didnt know what i was doing and he was busy#and the project requirement was wack. we had to alternate tasks it was just easier to meet in person#last week one of my lab partners ALSO had to go to the same conference that my other partner was prepping for#so my prof was like lemme just pair them up. congrats ning you are now in a group of two when everyone else is three#which is like. okay. cool#my lab partner this week had two internships so he was super busy#i am also. super busy. i am fighting the assignments#i am fighting the mental illness. it fucking sucks bro IT FUCKING SUCKS#I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET THINGS DONE WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGHT MY BRAIN#also fighting an infection. i am so fatigued. cant work cause the brain dont work. cant work cause the infection makes me uncomfy and tired#someone confessed to me last week. come the fuck on#so my lab partner. im thinking i need to pick up the slack this week im so glad my partner will probably help me#HE HAS. A FAMILY EMERGENCY#GOD ARE YOU OUT THERE? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?#im so fucking tired lmao. 5 weeks of this shit.#like i dont blame my lab partners at all. i am also so terribly tired. i hope they are all okay#i think i need to go back to the doctor's. i told my mom and shes like#you feel back because you eat too much salt. you dont drink enough water#ALL I DO IS DRINK WATER!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED THE SALT BECAUSE IM ALWAYS NAUSEOUS. I NEED THE SALT BECAUSE IT MAKES MY BRAIN WORK BETTER#THANKS MOM THANKS MOM THANKS MOM THANKS MOM#THE GUY THAT CONFESSED TO ME? i didnt submit an assignment for two weeks cause the day i met him? i KNEW IT#I KNEW HE WAS INTO ME AND IT BOTHERED ME SO MUCH. I FORGOT TO SUBMIT AN ASSIGNMENT ISPENT HOURS RECORDING#DAYS MULLING OVER. AND DIDNT CATCH THAT I DIDNT SUBMIT IT FOR 2 FUCKING WEEKS#GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK#shout out to my lab partners. they have all been so very nice when i am dumb as fuck! i hope they find lots of money on the ground#jesus fucking christ i wish i was smart. god i wish my brain fucking worked. i wish my body wasnt trying to keel over#i wish my class tomorrow wasnt at 9am
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adhd is someone who’s brain goes all over the place looking for dopamine, because it doesn’t make or register enough of it, and when it finds a source of dopamine, it hyperfixates on it.
it is what now
adhd is another "my brain sucks at making happy chemicals" type of thing?
We know what we should do. Probably we know six ways to do it. The trouble is actually getting our brains to activate so we CAN do it. Sometimes it’s like you’re being controlled by aliens or something because you say “I need to do X” and you’re going to do it and you just. Don’t.
how do I explain this to my dad
adhd is also sitting at your desk staring into space for two hours because your brain will not do that thing.
two hours or five or eight (cause if I'm not gonna do what I have to do, I am not allowed to do anything else, especially nothing fun)
And clearly the problem was me and my drive and that I didn’t actually want to research how to make frogs resistant to the chytrid fungus, because if I did I’d figure it out… because I was so smart.
brb crying bc this just hits way too close to home
about adhd
it concerns me that people really don’t know that adhd isn’t a personality type or behavioral problem.
adhd isn’t someone who’s personality is driven by fun and disorder.
adhd is someone who’s brain goes all over the place looking for dopamine, because it doesn’t make or register enough of it, and when it finds a source of dopamine, it hyperfixates on it. it’s about deregulation of attention as well as emotions.
it’s not a person who can’t behave. a person with adhd can look like a lot of things. misconceptions about what adhd looks like kept me from even looking for a diagnosis, and it also kept myself and others (professionals, even) from taking my suspicions seriously.
everyone’s encouraged to reblog, but if you don’t have adhd, keep your additions to the tags.
#not my one chemistry teacher asking why i stopped a task in an exam halfway through because he 'knew i could've done it' and that#i 'definitely could've done it' like mate do you think i just stopped because i love getting bad grades?#i didn't fucking know what to do because i didn't understand anything past that point#writing some equation or whatever that mostly depends in memorising shit can be done without understanding what you're doing#even teachers would assume i could/should be able to so things cause i'm so smart#the one time i got free tutoring by a teacher i actually managed to get better and improve a certain topic in maths#but in regular class i always fell behind#and that made me feel stupid#why bother trying if i am too stupid to get it anyway? what's the point if i clearly don't want it enough?#because in languages i was able to drag myself out of bad grade hell#but sciences and maths are just. hard.
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