#I am not smart enough for this class
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I am not having a good time with astrophysics
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my favourite ship dynamics if that makes sense:
#otp prompts#ship dynamics#if you think about it metaphorically enough#idiot x smart idiot#lower class x posh#complicated wrecked mess x neatly composed#(bonus points if the latter is the only one to truly understand the former)#gaslight x girlboss#drinks x smokes#fruit tea/coffee x green tea#popular x loner#maybe i am reading into it a little too much#this is so#murder husbands#drarry#stanarrator#lawlu#saigenos
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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]
#[.art]#self#complaining tag#I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever#love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME#that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean#about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way#she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here#or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april#that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways#you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough#which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god#dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me#and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways
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looking into the distance wondering how opening commissions would go for me this time if i did it again
#last time it went [didn't get any commissions]#so. erm.#is it a smart idea to do this with classes? probably not#but extra money would be awesome right now all things considered#so i'm. thinking. i'm thinking about it#but fuuuuck man I suck at pricing. And especially since i Never Get Commissions I know even LESS how much I should be charging.#uhghghrhhhhhhrhh. starts throwing things. etc.#and it would be art. not writing. i am not confident enough to do a writing commission. that's scary. also writing takes more time ihsdkgjh#RAGHHH!!!!!!!#whatever.#clamtalk
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"they should not make me do school" says the guy who is actively enrolling in college classes,
#sierra speaks#its not my faaault#it is#it literally i#weeping#its classes i like even but how am i supposed to have my personal life together and have hobbies and also have homework#i struggle w homework a lot not bc i am not smart enough to do it but because executive dysfunction is a bitch#its not even that i do things i like instead. i just do basically nothing#and then the other bits of my life get fucked up slowly and that builds up#im literally sisyphus#like wdym i finished this weeks homework but next week im gonna get more.
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i love taking a sparkling beverage to school its like having a bomb
#my water exploded =w=bb when i tried to open it luckily not inside my bag#luckily i am very smart and had tissues. its not like it was terribly bad but it did make a loud sound and the ground wet. :)#unfortunately due to this being a public situation i cant just stare at my mistake for comedic affect#i fucking looove just staring at an item i dropped. its so funny.#but alas.#sillyposting#dude ok time to complain about class again.#my dad knows this lecturer which means i should be favourable for him but.#man hes. so slow.#were doing a quiz now and he. doesnt know the tech.#ooh its pretty funny.#hes a good enough guy hes nice etc.#but. not a quick teacher.#erm.#its fineee#this'll just mean we wont get to cover as much material oh noooo#actually that is pretty sad this subject if funn
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It's strangely gender-affirming when my mom gets defensive and accuses me of mansplaining
#she didn't say that exact word this time but she has before lol#i'm just Speaking. she does not like it when i use ''academic'' words.#this is also actually interesting though! it's something i've started to pay close attention to.#i talk a lot in class anyway but as my peers are starting to see me more as male their perceptions of me are going to change.#so me talking a lot goes from 'wow she's so smart she should get her phd!' --#-- to possibly feeling condescended.#but i'm being generous here lol. i don't think ANY of my peers at school see me as male.#'her pronouns are they-slash-them' yeah fuck you actually. and they're not.#but on seeing me as male:#apparently my friends do and they have straight up never questioned it or thought of me any other way#which boggles my mind. i am not a tall or big person. i have a deep-ish voice for a female but it's not enough.#it's not enough.#last thoughts: you can't argue with my mother when she does her whole 'i just wish everyone was equal so we wouldn't need all these ---#--- categories and labels' thing. maybe i am mansplaining when i tell her why identity politics are necessary right now.#maybe she should develop a more critical consciousness instead of accidentally associating w the 'i don't see colour' crowd.
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Really really love that I sent an email to my professor asking for clarification on an assignment and she clarified absolutely nothing.
Cool.
#student peach#can I be a professor?#sometimes I think I might be better at it than these people#(doesn’t think she’s smart but apparently thinks she’s smart enough to teach a class on anything. I am a mystery even to myself)
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It's absurd how good I am at anatomy. I studied for my test like an hour and only got one question wrong. Should I have been a doctor?
#the doctor bit is a joke i absolutely am not smart enough to be a doctor#but i'm so so good at anatomy#after the test was over everyone was like ''i hate this class'' ''this class is going to make me drink'' and i was like.#that test was hard????#oscar talks to himself#school blogging
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Y'know I think I'm starting to truly understand the kids who just didn't do anything in class during middle and high school. As someone who used to be a gifted kid and never really got it. Fucking hell
#ramblings#neg#gee idk maybe when things are hard and explained in ways that are uninteresting and difficult to understand ppl won't want to participate!#who would've thought!#i always had some sympathy for ppl who struggled in school even when they seemed 'lazy' or whatever#but like i never truly got it bc to me most of that stuff was easy!#classes were engaging enough for me and usually easy enough to understand!#i was at a point where i had over a 4.0 gpa when i graduated which is SUPPOSED to mean i'm smart right??#WRONG#I DID WHAT TO ME WAS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR MOST THINGS#I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY EVER BC NOTHING EVER STUCK THAT WAY#IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME OF MEMORIZATION#AND BARELY ANYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY CLASSES STUCK AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS OF NOT GOING TO SCHOOL#ALL I EVER DID WAS GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS#Y'KNOW SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS GOOD TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD HUH#SHOULD'VE JUST DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT#GOD I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE#i am. so tempted. to just not do any of my work#but if my mom finds out i will never hear the end of it#i want to sleep. i want to sleep and stop thinking abt this. so so bad
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having a "former gifted kid" type mental spiral
#i say this because the spiral is actually about how much i hate the word and the general culture around giftedness#mostly because its incredibly inconsistent between schools so people often mean different things when they say it#but also because in my specific case its certainly not a gift but like. what am i supposed to call it.#its literally a neurodivergence in my case that has had many effect postive and negative on my life. but its also a school club.#and its also nothing! before the advent of like modern standardized public education i wouldve just been a curious kid#Without modern public education im not sure i wouldve even been different from other kids. maybe a little socially awkward still but idk#and like. Am i really different from other kids? am I now as an adult different from my peers? Occasionally i will get told as such#how the fuck am i suppose to talk about how much being seperated from my peers and held to higher standards sucked#when the name of the reason why this happened might as well be 'gods specialist little boy'#none of the things that make people think im smarter are really all that useful day to day. and most non-gifted people are like. still smar#i happen to be good at memorizing the kind of facts schools test you on as children#but is that just because i was told as a kid to be good at school and so i tried hard to do that?#even if I am uniquely good at that#does that really make me more intelligent than the high school dropouts who can fix cars like its nothing?#in fact i would say they are at least wiser than me for picking something practical to be smart at#at my school being gifted usually implied you were a little neurodivergent and bad at socializing#often our gifted kids were actually failing classes because they were smart enough to realize they didnt matter#(not me but still)#but at some schools being gifted just means you were an avid reader or were pressured by your parents to maintain perfect As at all times#so if i say. wanted to talk about how being 'gifted' has often made some aspects of academia like hating emails and having time blindness#and not having a good friend network and having many unadressed issues around not really knowing how to make friends#if i wanted to talk about that. and i say 'I was gifted growing up and this sucked'#the person on the other end might hear 'oh woe is me im so smart and this makes my life so hard'#AND FURTHER STILL#on tumblr especially 'former gifted kid' has kindve become parlance for 'guy whining about nothing'#or even 'person who they were told was smart but is actually kinda dumb'#which... yeah! theres a reason many former gifted kids are like that! thats kindve my issue with the program in the first place!#it takes otherwise relatively normal if well achieving kids and tells them they are gods specialist little children.#THIS CANNOT BE HELPFUL TO ANYONE? like whatever chance the kids had at seeming normal has been stripped away#and they now also think they are the smartest person in the room in every situation
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oh dont mind me. omw to base my entire personality upon tssm s2e01
#when i say the mysterio phase is hitting hard this time i Mean it. straight up chose to work on his music theme for my composition class +#offered his mcu theme for arrangement class. + there isnt a single notebook without mysterio sketches now.#also. the fact that his debut in tssm is happening in winter is so very dear to me because i hate spring and summer#OHHH ALMOST FORGOT i am currently extracting mysterio music themes from tssm instead of doing anything uni related bc GAHH THEY ARE SO. SO.#HE HAS SUCH A CLICHE EVIL ORGAN IN HIS FIRST APPEARANCE'S BACKGROUND#the idea of quentin clearly overplaying it in every detail like the music latin and very act that shows his half-ironic attitude in relatio#to his role is so slay. he is ALL fake and hes PROUD of that and he even lets you know if ur smart enough to notice these signs#tssm mysterio
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god im tired
#had class at two then back to back exams#and was braindead and crying by the time i got back at like 7:15 so just played video games for a few hours#and now i need to start studying for diffeq on friday#god i cant wait till saturday#would say friday afternoon but of fucking course i have three different fucking assignments due friday 11:59#what fucker thought “yeah we'll just put strengths of materials and physics back to back then diffeq two days after”#and ofc it's “mEntAl hEalTh wEeK” at my school#so im just sitting here crying for the tenth time today over physics/strengths/diffeq#and the advisors are spamming “come to this three hour webinar about burnout”#like...really#fuck everything why the hell did i ever think i was smart enough for engineering#my senior self was like “ooh this is cool” about circuits and lil robots and power tools#and now im sobbing over free body diagrams#am entirely convinced electric fields are black magic bc none of that shit makes any sense#im just so tired like i spent hours studying for these exams#did 2-3 backexams for each got little sleep since sunday#and i fucked both of them up massively#course my professor was like “if you can do these you can do the exam”#and i did those problems easily the night before and was like okay! let's work on physics!#and then the exam hit me like a fucking freight train#i can't even do the basic shit like stay fully awake for all my classes#bc of course they only offer three of the engineering courses back to back to back starting at 8:30 in the fucking morning#and im fine in thermo but just start completely crashing during strengths and am just half dead in diffeq#accidentally put my head down during a five minute break once and woke up twenty minutes later 😭#i am not a morning person#starting at 10am is fine but 8:30am?#adrenaline gets me through the first hour but then im just dead
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okay! enough despair (I hope) there’s not much to be done anyways other than crying some more (I’m tired of crying) or like focusing on what I can control (or at least try to)
#whimsy whispers#we will take baby steps and not put so much hope on things it’ll be fine (saying this I almost started crying again because I do no believe#that it will be fine)#I’ll get a job and save money then start taking ged study courses then I’ll get my ged#I’ll continue saving my money and contributing how I can and maybe the plans to live with kane and lex will work out#idk what to do from there#I suppose look into college classes even though I don’t entirely know what I want to do with my life#do I still want to be a librarian am I even smart enough for that? probably not#idk how to go about getting out of this state and far from it#I want to live far away and I want to be secure and I don’t want to be alone#but there’s no one to live with if I move far away#because everyone already has plans and most of them involve staying here and I just can’t do that I cannot live here for the rest of my life#I don’t want to be alone either but maybe I’ll just have to be#idk where to even like go that’s far from here the plans I had fell through and that simply can’t be helped and it was dumb of me to hold#onto the plans as tightly as I did because nothing is set in stone#I’ll think about all this when I get there I suppose like rn I just need to take baby steps i guess#I am trying so hard not to start crying again because i need to eat dinner and I don’t want people to ask why I’ve been crying
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Actually it is SO weird to me to remember that I was an engineering student and that later on I had been pursuing a minor in statistics
I may be a IT & com person in the end, but I do have the foundations of engineering and statistics in my brain too. Wild !
#speculation nation#if i hadnt liked coding so much i probably wouldve still been an engineer.#like my school does a first year engineering track where u learn the basics and then explore different engineering options#so by ur second year u choose your official track and that decides the rest of your schooling.#and id been thinking about computer & electrical engineering. often goes hand in hand.#guys i couldve been an electrical engineer. honestly that wouldve been so cool. wasnt meant to be tho 👍#i took a coding class my 2nd semester. first experience with coding. it was in C. i LOVED it.#and it got me comparing computer engineering and computer science and i decided that i wanted to do computer science#but well the intro course for that fucking sucked. didnt wanna go back to engineering either bc i hated engineering lol#im smart enough but it's fuckin soul sucking man.#eventually tho i found my way to my current home. im a techie :3 and im happy with that.#anyways do i seem like the kind of person who was into engineering and statistics? sometimes it's weird for me to remember.#but i did spent Years assuming id end up as an engineer. my grandpa was one. my dad was studying to be one b4 he dropped out#and my sister is one. just kinda runs in the family i guess. & so i was So Sure that was where i was going.#took. an engineering class in high school and everything. taught me some good foundational skills in modeling#also was the class that let me develop my signature. bc we had a notebook we had to sign the top of every day#so me doing my signature over and over again. i decided to use it as an opportunity to make it My Own. rather than just my name in cursive.#so yeah im a techie that talks good but i do have that math brain. engineering basis. statistics knowledge.#kinda feel like a jack of all trades (master of none) with it all. but see thats a good thing for companies (i hope)#ive got foundational knowledge of many things. and i am Adaptable. they can teach me the in depth shit i need to know themselves.#and i Also have my work experience in management... which i hope will help my case when applying to companies too.#aaaahhh!!! so many things to think about!!! but at the end of the day i am smart & educated and i will be a good asset to any company i join#i just need to convince them of that 😂 but i can probably figure something out. something !!!#i will graduate college and get some kind of IT job that pays decently & work my way up to maybe someday being an IT manager or smth#i can finally start. truly growing up. instead of being stuck in forever college unable to drive myself anywhere.#have my IT job and a car and the ability to do Whatever i want.... god i want it so bad.#im just daydreaming by this point. god im so excited to finally graduate college.
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