#this is hurting my brain I really am not smart enough for this class

[achillez-on-pawz]

All I do is cry.

[sk3tch404]

Yandere Donnie Darko Hcs

A/n: I finally came around to watching Donnie Darko while I was styling my hair this morning. It was so good and omgg HIS CHARACTER!!! Love it 💜 What he voices in where he rebels against authority resonates with me in the most honest and straight up sense, it's crazy.

CW: Characterizing of psychosis without research (I am in no way claiming this is how individuals who suffer some psychosis or with schizophrenic symptoms act or feel like. This is simply a work of fiction and how I see Donnie's mental state affect the scenario), Donnie is actually very tame here except for his obvious criminal record and acts of violence, and YALL HES A MENTALLY ILL TEENAGE BOY so he's a lowkey soft okay. Y'all see him with Gretchen? So caring and passionate ugh, love him sm. <33 I try to write as close to canon as possible, but sometimes that leads to really soft yans and I kind of doubt my writing. Despite that. I like to think that not all yanderes need to be possessive killing machines in order to fit into the troupe. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with obsession, and so I think I did decently with this one lol.

Proof read a few times, so sorry for wordy/run on sentences and possible wonky grammar.

I feel like Donnie is very observant and patient with his darling. He's quite analytical for a teenage boy which leads him to take time to consider the variables that weigh within your possible relationship.

Donnie is still an awkward kid, so dont be surprised when you accidentally find him staring at you for a considerable period of time in class. In school, he doesn't approach you, seeing as the setting is already suffocating enough. He'd try to catch you after school or when you two have a little bit of privacy.

He's kinda shy and clumsy at first glance--- too talkative in his speech and self-aware of his minor fuck ups. Over time, he'll be more open to what he wants with you. Donnie might not really understand how to handle love and all of its complexities, but hell try really hard to make it work.

Yeah, y'all saw how fast he dived in for that kiss in the film?... Embarrassing, but it's true that he's quite excited to show his affection for you. He'll be "so chill with it," and he is to an extent--- not too clingy at all--- but when he's around he gives you guard dog privileges. Stays at your side and defends you from any brain rotting comments made from the guys around the neighborhood. Donnie isn't much of a fighter, but he's damn well capable of planning and executing a crime if it calls for it. One count of arson, another unaccounted for, severe property damage, and murder? Don't doubt it for one second that he won't consider further acts in the future to come.

His psychosis affects him directly when it comes to you--- as it also does with most things. He already feels so shitty with how things are going in his life, Frank voicing the many thoughts he has about you day to day stresses him further. Sometimes Donnie is scared Frank will convince him to hurt you as the countdown progresses. Despite that fear, he can't keep away from you.

This distress causes Donnie to rebel more often. As he spirals down the rabbit hole Frank keeps digging for him, the anxiety that follows with what will happen to you once the world ends lingers late at night in his bed.

Donnie's main love language is quality time. He walks with you from school and chills with you pretty much wherever. He's pretty book-smart, so he'll pitch in with your projects and homework assignments. His parents don't really seem like they care what he does most of the time, so if he's given the chance, he'll crash at your place for a few before they think he's off sleepwalking or some shit.

Donnie already knows he's slipping off the rails, placebo medication or not, Frank stays to stir the pot. He's almost scared, scared to death that you'll think he's an insane lunatic and he'll scare you off. But at the same time, why be scared if it's the truth? He has evidence, the book, and his own visions. That anxiety doesn't go away when he rambles on about the six-foot-tall bunny rabbit and how that thing has led him to the method of time travel.

You're just left there dumb founded as he stares on at you with that deadpanned look. Too late to back out now. World's ending and you don't got a boyfriend. Well, you got Donnie... and Frank's there too sometimes, but either way, you're all each other's got. You don't want to be alone do you? Donnie knows he doesn't.

He trusts you more than anyone else. Yeah he's on meds, and sure he's loony, but everyone knows that already; not that they seemed to care too much anyway. He feels like he can just exist with you around. All that pent up frustration with the looming guilt of his actions festering inside can be washed out like waves on a cold shore. Of course, it's not a cure-all, but it's damn nice compared to the bone headed friends he got and the tense dinner table back at home.

He has scratch paper in his drawers that are just filled with messy sketches of you. Not sure if he'd be the type to use sketchbooks, but he is pretty organized in his own room. Donnie just finds you so easy and beautiful to draw. Art block has nothing on this boy. He hates it when his sisters barge into his room and see any unfinished piece of you lying around. They tease him so bad about it, he wishes they'd just leave him alone.

"Ooo, is this the girl you're always wasting your time with?"

"No, gimme it. It's none of your business, and get out of my room."

"Geez, fine. Not like that's the freakiest thing you got in here anyway."

Donnie wouldn't be the extreme stalking type, but if he caught a glance of you, he wouldn't be able to look away. He'd also take into account what your daily patterns are as well as your likes and dislikes. He notices your little habits like if you constantly apply too much pressure to your mechanical pencil, making your lead break. He's always have had a passive opinion on the school uniform, but you made it look good, great even. Donnie likes it even more seeing you in street wear. He takes note on your style and even thinks of taking some inspiration from it to feel closer to you.

He's sensitive in places a teenager would be in most. He's irritable and closed off much of the time, even to you if it gets bad enough. Of course, it's not your fault usually. It only makes sense to be defensive in the case of anything he may perceive as a threat, even if that means any possibility of you breaking his heart.

Donnie may be a bit shy in his advances, but what he isn't is hesitant. He's quite bold in his thoughts and feelings. While he is afraid of your judgement in particular, he doesn't mind doing many things in front of you. Your collar is crooked, so let him just fix it up real quick. Talk about something that's got him thinking? He's letting his thoughts pour out like it's happy hour. He sees no issue in doing what he wants to, so if you're feeling unsure or nervous about something, he'll be the one to do it for you. Not many questions asked unless it's got his serious attention.

Kisses are passionate and deep. (Tbh when I first watched the movie I was like, "DAMN dont eat her face- shit.") I dont know if Donnie has had previous experience or not, but he's definitely got the enthusiasm. He tries to match your rhythm if you seem to have trouble following. Not too much tongue, but best believe he's devouring your lips like it's the last 6 hours in the universe. His hands are roaming around your body, feeling the dips and curves so cautiously because Jesus, you're just rocking his fucking world. If you tell him to slow down, he will. Donnie never wants to force you to do anything you wouldn't want to.

Words of affirmation aren't really a thing for him. If he says something to you, it was probably on his mind anyway. If you say "I love you" to him, he'd be almost stunned but wouldn't have a problem reciprocating that energy. He just felt like that connection between you two was already clear enough. No need to say it so directly. Although, it's nice. He really loves and cares for you. Would take a bullet for you--- cross his heart till he dies, all that sappy shit.

If you reject him, let's just say Frank and Donnie will be speaking more often. It pushes him off the edge. Frank isn't in Donnie's head just to do evil shit, but it's not like his presence doesn't perpetuate Donnie's behavior further. He wouldn't go on a killing spree or anything excessively violent like that. He'd be hyper-focused on the time travel aspect of his situation and become more forceful in his methods. He'd demand answers to make sense of all of it. To cope with the fact you didn't want him like how he needed you. Why didn't you like him enough? What didn't he do? Actually, what did he do? His mind feels like its on the brink of breaking as he tries to rationalize all the negativity in his life. He's already done too much, his world feels like it's collapsing in on itself before the actual day could even come. You were a majority of that world, and now it's just broken.

Donnie is so distraught and confused about his adolescent experiences, he almost doesn't know what to do. The only thing to do from then on is to focus on the countdown. Time travel, and how to fix it all. Otherwise, not only would he be left alone, but you would be too. Donnie wouldn't want that for you, not ever. Even with all the pain and frustration stowed away inside his still beating heart, he would never wish to hurt you; one of the only people on Earth who didn't suck so much as everyone else did.

[brooooswriting]

Hello there ! I was wondering if I could request Wednesday & insecure!female!reader?

Like one day she just ask Wednesday why she couldn’t look as pretty as the other girls, why her hair wasn’t perfect every day, why she couldn’t be genuinely happy all the time and if Wednesday ever thought about it too?

Just some fluff and hurt/comfort❤️❤️

I hope you like this:)

All the pretty girls

Why do our brains always trick us into believing that we’re not enough? That was a question you often asked yourself, and the question why you actually weren’t enough. You haven’t felt like you’re enough since you could think and honestly, until Wednesday came along, nobody every gave you the feeling that you were.

You had a sister she’s has always been the beauty and the smart one while you were, well, what were you? The name ‘almost’ seems pretty fitting, you were almost as beautiful as your sister, you were almost able to go get the same grades as her and you were almost not fucked up. Since you could think your family told you stuff like “you aren’t that stupid” and “you know, your sister is so beautiful but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t. You’re just… different”.

These were things that “probably caused you to have body dysmorphia”, so principal Weems who often talked to you about your problems. You didn’t really talk about them with anyone else, Wednesday was uncomfortable when talking about emotions which is why you decided to leave her out of it. She already had to deal with someone like you as a girlfriend.

Your insecurities and dysmorphia had their up and downs, there were days where you almost seemed normal but then there were days where you could barely Stop crying when you saw yourself and you just couldn’t stop comparing yourself to others.

Just like today, your day already started terrible when you looked into the mirror to see four new pimples in your already ugly face and your hair didn’t want to be tamed today. And it got way worse when you saw Wednesday at Bianca with love in her eyes.

This was nothing against Bianca in general, it was more against how she looked and how smart she was. How could she be so awesome while you were just you? It didn’t seem fair to you, you fairly tried everything to get prettier but here you were still ugly. It all sucked and you were nearly having an attack.

You barely made it through your last two classes without a break down, but you did it now sitting on Wednesday’s bed while she pursued her writing hour. It wasn’t uncommon for you to sit there in silence while she wrote but right now you just wanted comfort. Unable to just lay still you decided to busy yourself with your phone, instagram to be exact.

And this was your downfall, you saw so many pretty girls that your mind went into a spiral. “Why do you like me?” You suddenly asked Wednesday pulling your knees up to your chest. “What?” The girl turned around her facing showing small signs of confusion. Sure, sometimes you were pretty random but this was new.

“Why do you like me huh? Why don’t you like Bianca or Yoko?! Or maybe you do like them and I’m just a toy for you to play with! Is that what I am? Just a thing to do when you’re bored? An experiment?!” By now you knew that you were talking bullshit but your mind made you believe it. You angrily stood up walking in front of the mirror, tears filling your eyes.

Wednesday hesitated for a second looking at Thing before standing up and walking behind you. She didn’t hug you, she just stood close to you looking into your eyes through the mirror.

“Be honest, you also think about it right?” You whispered looking down to avoid even more tears. “Think about what?” The Addams girl asked, her body tightly pressing against yours. “About why I’m so different to the other girls. Why isn’t my hair always perfect? And why I’m so ugly and why can’t I always be happy like the others? You thought about it too right?” You were rambling and it started to hurt wednesdays head. Not the rambling on it’s own, she was used to that from you and Enid, but the way you talked about yourself made her mad.

The dark girl always hated physical contact but in this moment she wanted nothing more than to hold you and keep you safe so she did. Her arms wrapped around your waist from behind and she pulled you into her even more. “The only things I ever thought about were why you’re so beautiful and how I can make you realize that” she whispered into your ear her voice softer than ever.

The older Addams sibling moved the two of you to her bed laying down cuddling. “Look cara Mia, I’ve noticed this behavior in you rather often and I also believe that you have body dysmorphia. You’re beautiful, your hair looks perfect daily and you’re the best thing that has happened to me and you talking about yourself like this is torture. And not the good kind” she comforted you, gently kissing your lips.

It was clear that she was a bit uncomfortable and stiff but she would do anything for you. “I’m sorry that I interrupted your writing time” you mumbled into her neck. “That’s alright, but do you think you could tell me what happened?” Her voice was back to her stoic one but you knew she cared nonetheless.

“I’ve never been good enough for anyone, my family always compared me to my oh so wonderful sister, and all her friends. I’ve never gotten a ‘you did good’ or ‘you’re enough’ while she was always so perfect. It hurt and Weems said it probably left scars on my self esteem. Today… today when you were talking to Bianca you seemed so intrigued into her beauty and it made me self conscious” you explained playing with her fingers, a habit when you were nervous.

“Cara Mia, we talked about you, that’s why I was so intrigued” she whispered caressing your back carefully. Your lips were pressed together in some soft pecks. “Thank you, my dark cloud” you mumbled before falling asleep.

The moment when Wednesday saw that you fell asleep she kissed your forehead promising to never let you feel like an ‘almost’ again.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Being scammed is a horrible experience, but it’s interesting seeing where the pain comes from.

The money isn’t the big thing, oddly enough. Not even for me, someone living so close to the edge that every single penny counts.

I didn’t lose so much that I can’t keep going. As long as I remember it’s less than what my bank charges me in maintenance fees in a years or all the times I’ve goofed up and done something (ex. like ordering that damn oven part) that wasted money, I can live with it. Oh, I will suffer from no wiggle room for luxuries, and knowing a month’s worth of money saved through food rationing was erased, but I had saved enough it won’t do me inThat souring on the human race, realizing that people out there are so horrible they would deliberately target someone so vulnerable, isn’t the big thing either. Even though I had never fallen for a scam before, I knew all too well a lot of people were like that. Lots and lots.

See, I’ve always realized people tend to be tangles of self interest.

You don’t need to jump on me for not seeing the good in people. I do. That selfish absorption can be a good thing. We can see others as part of ourself, the “we”, the “us”.

I know there are good people, and don’t completely hate the human race. But allow me to lean towards thinking the horrible might just outnumber the good for a bit, as I sit her wounded. My natural tendency to the benefit of the doubt and hopefulness, to look to the good, did me in here, and I need to admit it.

The embarrassment and shame aren’t the biggest thing that will linger. I have spent my life feeling exceptionally sensitive to both, so this incident gets tossed into a pile. A mountain. Yes, sure, it’s worse than calling someone by the wrong name, but is it really as bad as in elementary school wetting myself in class? I don’t think so! It won’t be the top ten things I dwell on in attacks of self loathing. It will have to work hard to squeeze into the top twenty!

Facing my own stupidity isn’t the big take away either. Oh, yes, I was exceptionally stupid, and that hurts my pride. That’s without question. I saw things in all this that felt weird and wrong, but I let my goodwill and hope over ride my brain. It’s less I was stupid, and more I let my emotions hit the override switch. Besides, despite growing up being called “smart”, I’ve always been acutely aware if the limitations of that. i was always telling folks I wasn’t THAT smart, and here I have proof. Oh joy! LOL

No, I think the biggest scar I will carry is an awareness of how worn down I’ve gotten that I could be such easy prey.

My life has been crumbling away beneath my feet.

My ability to survive has become precarious to the point the very physical basic infrastructure of my life (food, shelter, transportation, heating, etc) has become dangerously eroded.

I have been worrying so deeply about so many things I forget if there is any other way to feel.

And then I’ve felt under assault, in very personal way with thieves and vandals, and in a much bigger than me way with the recent election

I’ve been grieving for so many and so much. Family. Pets. A life. Most of all right now, a sort swelling anticipatory grief my Mom who is failing fast.

I’ve been fearing the bleakness of my future and the uncertainty I can possibly continue to survive.

I’ve been utterly exhausted and chronically sleep deprived.

I have a body collapsing in on itself with injuries, illness, and neglect. I am, quite simply, rotting away.

And I deal with all if it alone.

What lured me in?

It is true money was involved, and I am about as poor as a person can get** so an offer of money for something that seems reasonable was going to tempt me. This is especially true now with this onslaught of bills I hadn’t expected and can’t afford.c

But, honestly I suspect the real hook was in the flattery.

I spend most my time alone and ignored. I post my stuff on Tumblr, and get a handful of likes, mostly from the same (MUCH loved) regulars. I think the stuff is kinda blah, especially since I have no time or energy for making things. So someone saying “Hey, I love this thing you made!” was going get me. Every time.

“OMG, someone likes my stuff! And they want to give me money for it!” is the perfect attack for someone struggling with an extreme lack of money and appreciation. I need money to live, and I need love to want to live.

The scam itself is utterly obvious to a clear eye, but unfortunately I was so worn down my eyes were anything but clear. They were the blurry eyes of sleep deprivation and tears in the middle of a very bad night. It’s like stumbling to the bathroom in the dark and seeing a shape by that wall. You tell yourself it’s a coat, muzzily forgetting you have’t a place to hang a coat there until it is too late.

I had swatted away countless scams, endless scams, and probably quite a few legit opportunities, over the years. By my nature I am very cautious. And yet, when I could least afford to do so, I fell this time.

Because I had already fallen. Fallen apart. Fallen down. Fallen into hard times.

Oh, the scammer did a good job, putting a nice bit of effort to make the scam convincing. Not astoundingly so, not without plenty of things I even saw in the moment. But they also got lucky. Any other time in my life, anyone else I could have bounced it off of, I wouldn’t have gone for it. But, I was a starving fish, and yes that bug in the water is shaped odd and has a strange hooked bit, and I was so hungry…

On the plus side, they didn’t gut me. Unfortunately, I swam away with a chunk torn out. I’ll live, but I’m scarred.

I know now how pathetically weak I’ve become, how compromised my thinking is, how helpless and alone. I realize the foolishness of thinking anyone would ever pay me for the stuff I make. My self confidence around people, always rather fragile, is shattered. I have become a broken thing.

The scam only worked because this was all already true. Without noticing I’ve turned into the limping gazelle the lion dines on in all those nature docs.

I have learned an expensive lesson.

But fuck ‘em.

They didn’t screw me out of as money as the tax office increasing the car value, tripling my bill. They didn’t make me hate myself as much as thieves breaking into the shop without me noticing. They didn’t mess up my life as much as losing both the microwave and oven in about a week. They didn’t exhaust me as much as piano moving or the hearth bricks falling through the floor. They certainly didn’t grieve me like Hera dying and my trip to Mom being cancelled or…

Being scammed is awful and traumatic, but it’s even the worst thing to happen to me this month!

Still, I dunno how many more of these things I can take….

**remember, I pay to care for things here, but I don’t own any of them…I’m like a caretaker that doesn’t get paid a living wage, offered funds for costs of the job, or even get provided a lawnmower.

[khasiehondra]

A Shadow of an Eagle Chapter 1: I’ve Met My Match: Sebastian

Normally, Sebastian would be halfway through his second plate of breakfast by now, but the girl from the night before was too intriguing. Her head was already in a book and classes hadn’t even started. Makes sense, bloody Ravenclaws. Guess she fits in perfectly. He was still disappointed when he lost the bet. He thought that if the rumors of her run in with a dragon were true, then she would be a Gryffindor and they would be rivals for the rest of their days.

“If she was able to survive a dragon attack, I bet she has to be smart, or at the very least immensely creative,” Ominis had said to him the night before.

She was sitting next to Samantha Dale, poor dueler, great at Summoner’s Court. The new girl would smile up at her from her book and join in the conversation from time to time, but always returning to her book. She had barely touched her toast and bacon, probably nervous. I wonder if she’s in Defense Against the Dark Arts with us? I can set her place on the pyramid rather quickly.

“I don’t know exactly what is going through that brain of yours, but if you keep staring at the new student instead of eating, I refuse to hear you complain about how you’re starving.” Sebastian had completely forgotten that his best friend had sat down next to him only a few minutes ago. “You’re still wondering how someone who fought a dragon would be more attached to a book than adventure? Give it a rest, you lost 3 Sickels.���

“Easy for you to say,” Sebastian retorted, “Coming from one of the most prestigious bloodlines and a high-class family. Even if you did lose it wouldn’t have hurt your pockets.”

Ominis shook his head, “The point is, if she found her home that is all that matters. Overhearing what her housemates say, they all adore her.”

Sebastian could see why, she embodied grace, elegance and strength. Definitely should have won the bet. Patting Ominis on the shoulder, Sebastian said, “C’mon, we’ve got Charms first. Can’t get detention on the first day back.”

“I won’t, but I can’t make any promises for you.” Smirking, Sebastian and Ominis left the Great Hall and made their way toward the South Tower.

He had somehow ended up in a conversation with Ominis and Leander. Leander was boasting about how he had been able to travel across Europe with his aunt this summer. Underneath it all, he was basically trying to say he was better than him. Not Ominis, people knew not to mess with the Gaunts. I think I’m going to lose my mind if he says ‘my family is friends with’ one more time.

“Aye, Sebastian,” Leander nudged his arm. “I think I learned enough from a couple of my uncle’s friends this summer that I am finally a better duelist than you.” There is was, the last fuck he gave. Giving the boy a lop-sided smirk he bit back, “We’ve got DADA next, how about you put your wand where your mouth is? Or did you forget that I was last year’s Crossed Wands champion?”

Leander’s words were lost when she came in. She was a little breathless, who could blame her? We’ve had four years to get used to those blasted stairs. Someone should really let her know about the floo network, Sebastian thought. It took a minute for Sebastian to notice that a smile was plastered Leander’s face and he looked ready to call out to her. The smile faded quickly when he noticed Natty had gotten her attention first.

Confused, the new girl made her way over to the set in the back next to Natty. Sebastian could tell she was nervous. Guess she’s shy. Surprising, since everyone seems to love her. “She’s beautiful isn’t she?” It was as if Leander was transfigured into a lovesick puppy with he stupid look on his face. “I hear she is genuinely sweet and she’s humble too. A real lady.”

“Do you even know her name?” Ominis asked. The flush didn’t extend past his neck, but Ominis had definitely brought Leander back to earth.

“I don’t completely recall. Haven’t really had time to talk to her,” he grumbled.

“Yet you know she is ‘genuinely sweet and humble,’” Ominis poked. He was enjoying this game. Sebastian couldn’t help but smile.

She was a cute girl no doubt. Long wavy hair, a nice smile, big doe eyes. He could see why the boys in the Slytherin bathrooms had already placed bets on who would win her over. A hefty sum of money was on Garreth, apparently.

Professor Ronen had taken his review seriously from last year. Class was fun and included a nice game of Summoner’s Court. Ominis had beaten Imelda fairly quickly. She threw a fit when they took their seats back on the grass.

“This is unfair,” she scoffed. “I bet your wand senses more than just where the balls are. I bet it can calculate exactly when you need to let go.”

“Geez, Imelda, you must be having a rotten day if you’re accusing a blind man of seeing too well.” Sebastian knew she would cool off soon, she was always a bad loser. He was about to add to the conversation when Ronen called up the next group.

“Finally, we will have Miss Onai and Miss Shaw. Let’s end this with a bang.” Professor Ronen was gleaming with pride. His lesson was leaps and bounds better than it was the last five years. The student's engagement added to the gleam on his face.

“Now if we only knew her first name.” Leander had popped out of nowhere.

Sebastian turned and saw Samantha off to the side with Cressida. Curiosity got the better of him. “Pst, Samantha.” He gestured to her to scoot closer. “You’re in the same house, what’s Shaw’s name?”

Always chipper, Samatha spoke behind her hand in a whisper, attempting to watch the game. “Alice, Alice Shaw. She’s a half-blood. Dad thought she would be a squib, but was very happy when he took after her. They lived in London most of her childhood.” Bless this girl for being in the nosiest house in the castle.

“Spectacular, are you roommates?”

“Yeah,” her smile basically took up her whole face. “We talked about plants and home all night. She couldn’t sleep so we stayed in the common room. I would say I think I made a great choice in friends.”

When they all turned their heads back to the game, Alice had released her spell and won the game by fifty points.

He was on a roll this year. Early to class twice in one day. Leander had decided to stick with Sebastian and Ominis. Once they entered the classroom, Sebastian remembered what he had said to him in Charms.

“Hey, what do you say we settle this now. Ready for a duel?” He set his bag down on a desk and pushed the desks to the side with a flick of his wand. “Or are you scared that I’ll continue to beat you?”

Others had started to file in, but how could they not watch the Crossed Wands champion hold his title. Grinning, Leander walked to the front of the room. “Ready yourself.”

“Stupefy!” Sebastian was always the first to attack. His opponent had used protego and repeated the same spell back. “Protego!” He had to think fast, what was something he couldn’t see coming?

Sebastian blasted two basic spells before Leander tried to stupefy again. Annoyed, Sebastian decided to bring in the show, “Bombarda!”

Opps. He had missed by a good amount…a tall amount. He had ended up hitting the dragon above him. Instead of moving, it seemed Leander was rooted to the spot.

“Levioso!” Thank heavens for Professor Hecat. “I get new students every year but I only have one Hebridean Black skull. It is a token from the Great poacher Raid of 1878.” She slowly made her way down the steps from her office. “No doubt you’ve heard of it.” Sebastian couldn’t hear anything after that. That was close. If that had fallen I doubt I would just get detention this time. It’s a good thing everyone else was on the sidelines. He snapped back to attention when he heard Leander complain they were to be learning a levitation spell. Next moment he was in the air.

“A surprised opponent is a weak opponent. Care to defend yourself,master Prewett? No?” He couldn’t help the smug look that crossed his face. Just then he saw Alice in the corner of his eye. She was soaking in everything the old lady was saying.

After they had practiced on a feather and the training dummy, Professor Hecat decided it was time to show the use of Levioso in a duel. He started to walk up to the front when Hecat declared, “We’ll start with you two.”

It was her. She held her face blank but her eyes smiled. Sebastian couldn’t tell if she was excited to duel or if all this magic was leaving her in awe. Might as well have some fun with this one. He slowed his pace and leaned in toward her face as he passed her, “Time for a proper Hogwarts welcome.” He chuckled as he walked away, turning back to see the tips of her ears had gone slightly pink. Still got it I see.

By the time he was prepared to start with a basic cast there was a red light coming toward his chest. It knocked him back and caused him to have to regain his footing. Just in time, Sebastian saw the next cast approaching. “Protego.” As soon as his shields fell he was struck by a yellow light. He remembered why he wasn’t a fan of flying class in the first year. His feet left the ground and he had to fight to get back. He was able to send back two basic casts before he was struck with another levioso.

“You’re joking,” he grunted.

Alice was able to block three of the four next spells that he sent toward her. Even when she stumbled back, he couldn’t land the levioso. When he took a second to assess the situation he noticed the glimmer in her eyes. There was so much life in them. This dance was fun for her. He hadn’t felt this way in a while.

They continued this back and forth until she finally caught his square in the chest with another levitation spell and rounded back with a basic cast while he was still in the air. The fall to the arse didn’t hurt anywhere near as much as the blow to his ego. That feeling of disappointment vanished when he saw how excited she was. Alice was bouncing on her toes from winning. It didn’t last long as she ran over and offered her hand to him.

When he was up she stayed put in front of him. “Not bad for a beginner,” he said, brushing the dust from the floor off his uniform. “You give as good as you get.” He smiled and let out a chuckle. He continued past her and stood in the back by Ominis.

“I can’t believe she beat you. You!” He was shaking his head in disbelief. “Looks like you’re either out of practice or are in for a run of your title.”

Sebastian wore a smile, crossing his arms, “I hope she gives me a run for my Galleons.” When Hecat dismissed class, Sebastian noticed that she had stayed back. “Ominis,” he called after his friend. “Go on without me, I’ll catch you up at the Great hall for lunch.” He didn't wait for a response but placed himself at the back where Alice would have to pass him.

He almost missed her as she was hurrying out. “Nice work.” He wasn’t going to miss this opportunity.

She didn’t look surprised but her face lit up again. “I enjoyed that.”

“That duel was quite something. Everyone’ll be talking about it.”

“It was certainly good practice.” She still held her smile, but he could see right through it.

“Practice? It felt more like I was dueling an expert.” He hoped the annoyance didn’t come off in his voice. “Sebastian Sallow, by the way. Didn’t expect a new student to be so deft with a wand. Then again,” he paused, “perhaps this wasn’t your first duel.” Alice’s shoulders tensed a bit. Good to know she is a horrible liar, he thought.

“In fact, it was. Perhaps I have a knack for it.”

Bollocks. “Be coy if you like, but I know better. Magic requires intention and talent.” The glow she had had started to damper, he needed to recover quickly if he wanted to keep an eye on her. “ You know, you might be a perfect fit for a certain exclusive, unsanctioned dueling organization.”

She had so many tells. Her eyes brightened with curiosity and challenge. I see the Ravenclaw now, it suits her perfectly. “Exclusive and Unsanctioned? Count me in.”

“Excellent,” Sebastian stood a little taller and eased up. It was time to get in her head a little. “Knew I was right about you. If you want to get the most out of your time at Hogwarts, you’re going to need to break the rules now and then.” He leaned in her space just a little. “Whether it’s joining a secret dueling club or sneaking into the Restricted Section of the Library-you just have to be clever enough not to get caught.”

“Thank you, Sebastian,” she was assessing him. The light air around her turned cautious. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good, pleasure chatting with you. I’m sure I’ll see you soon. Perhaps somewhere ‘unsanctioned’. Perhaps we’ll see if your performance today was sheer luck-or actual skill. I’ll send you an owl.”

He didn’t even notice the blush that had crept onto her face. He withheld a wink as he turned to head to the Great Hall. As he was about to round down the stairs, he looked over his shoulder and saw her stand in the hall, hands to her cheeks. She shook her head rather harshly and ran in the direction of Professor Fig’s classroom.

[determinedwriter]

Whumptober 2023: Day 26: Working To Exhaustion/“You look awful.”

Ro

High school freaking sucks. I kind of knew it would, but I’ll admit I’m smart enough to push through. Or at least I thought I was.

Going to a STEM school makes everyone look smart. And they know it. Nobody knows I’m Tony Stark’s kid, so I’m just like everyone else. An average teenager.

I thought that’s what I wanted, but I think it’s almost making things worse. As far as anyone knows, I’m just some orphan. I suppose the same goes for Peter though. And he really is one.

I shouldn’t complain. But sometimes I wish I could unleash my powers on my school bullies and burn all of my terrible test scores.

I’ve been studying like crazy lately. Ever since I came home with a subpar grade on my latest project at school.

Dad acted like he didn’t care, but I saw the frown. I saw the look in his eyes. And when he’s disappointed in me, it feels like a stab to the heart.

Even if he doesn’t mean for it to hurt, it does. I think it hurts more when he lies and tells me it’s okay. I know he wants me to succeed. He wants me to be smarter than this.

Who wouldn’t want that? Especially considering he’s one of the smartest people on the planet. But my endless studying has begun to take a toll on me.

Friday chimes to life from the ceiling to speak to me. “Miss Aurora, your father is asking you to come to dinner.”

I look down at my textbook and notes. “Tell him I’m not hungry but…thanks.”

“Of course, Miss.” She replies.

I study until there’s a knock on my door. “Ro?”

“Hmm?” I ask.

Dad opens it. “Missed you at dinner. What’re you up to?”

“Studying.” I reply honestly. “Sorry I didn’t come to eat. I just wasn’t hungry really.”

He nods. “It’s alright. Make sure you get some sleep though. It’s a school night.”

“Yup.” I say. “Goodnight.”

Dad nods again. “‘Night, kiddo.”

I sigh in relief when he leaves. I’m exhausted and I don’t want him to see how much this school crap is killing me.

He deserves a kid that’s not going to flip out about the little stuff like I am.

But that’s not gonna happen, so I’m going to do my best to be who he deserves.

Working harder and harder as the days pass, practically killing myself in the process. I’m working myself to exhaustion.

The day of the big test I’ve been studying for, I can hardly make my way to my classroom. Peter notices this in an instant.

He supports my weight as I stumble in the doorway of the class, Flash making one of his very unnecessary comments. “Careful everyone, Ro’s a zombie. Don’t get bitten. Too bad she’s gonna fail this test with her lack of brains.”

“Shut up, Flash.” Peter says, helping me sit. “Ro, are you gonna be alright?”

Flash smirks. “What? I’m just saying. Zombies don’t have brains, right? Or at least they don’t use them.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t have energy for your crap.”

“Hence the zombie thing you have going on?” He asks. “I mean, you look awful.”

Peter glares at him. “Seriously dude, just drop it.”

I sigh. “It’s whatever.”

He rubs my back. “Do you need anything?”

I shrug. “No…”

He takes a water bottle out of his backpack. “Drink up. Just a little.”

“I don’t feel good.” I mumble back. “Thanks, though.”

Peter puts the bottle away, watching me nervously as our tests are handed out. Here we go. Time to either crush this or disappoint my dad once more.

“Your time starts now.” I hear the teacher tell us.

My hand shakes as I write with my pencil, the lead breaking as I press down a little too hard. God, I’m going to give myself a heart attack.

Peter notices this, silently handing me another pencil.

“Thanks.” I whisper.

He nods and gives me a thumbs up, going back to his own test after that. He’s smart as hell, but he’s probably stressed about it too.

Maybe I should’ve studied with him. I’ve been keeping to myself and doing that alone lately. It’s too late to worry about that now. Just get this done.

About halfway through the test, I can hardly ignore my dizziness and anxiety. People have begun to turn theirs in and I’m way too far behind.

God, what’s the use in studying if it just ends with me failing all over again? I’m really starting to panic now. It’s a good thing nobody knows I’m a Stark.

I shouldn’t have any association with the great Tony Stark. It’s a wonder we’re even related in the first place.

I hadn’t realized it, but my panic has become obvious now. Peter is touching my shoulder and my teacher is calling my name.

My eyes land on Flash, who laughs. I don’t know why this sends me off the deep end the way it does, but here we are. I’ve begun to hyperventilate.

“Aurora? Aurora, what’s the matter?” My teacher asks.

“I think she’s having a panic attack.” Peter explains. “Ro, just take it one step at a time. Breathe with me. Can you-“

I wobble in my chair, fainting before I hit the floor. I’ve literally worked myself to the point of unconsciousness. I didn’t think it was this bad.

My eyes open to see Peter’s face above me, carrying me quickly down the hallway. “P-Pete?”

“Ro, thank God!” He exclaims. “You scared me half to death.”

Still woozy, I don’t immediately understand why I’m his arms. “I’m…tired…”

“Try to keep your eyes open. Please.” Peter begs. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m taking you to the nurse.”

I weakly nod, but pass out again shortly after that and wake up on a cot in the nurse’s office. This time, Peter is sitting beside me.

“H-How long was I out?” I ask.

“Only a little bit. I ran here with you.” He explains. “I think everyone was more surprised I could carry you than the fact you fainted.”

“Fainted…” I echo. “Why did I…”

“You’re exhausted and dehydrated.” The nurse speaks up. I hadn’t noticed she was in the room at all.

“Oh…” I reply. “I-I don’t feel well.”

“No wonder you don’t feel well, honey. Please, just rest for now. I’ve called your emergency contact.” She tells me.

“Who is that again?” I ask, knowing it’s not Dad. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t put his name on it for my own protection and privacy.

“Harold Hogan and Pepper Potts are the two we have listed. Mr. Hogan is on his way.” The nurse replies.

I hate to whine, but I’d really like my dad right about now. “Thank you.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” She says.

Peter holds out the same water bottle from before. “I’m making you drink some this time.”

I chuckle weakly. “Okay.”

Taking a few sips, I lay back down until Happy arrives, looking concerned. “Hey, kid. How do you feel?”

“Like garbage.” I tell him. “I really want to go home but I need to finish that test. I’ve already disappointed my dad enough. He needs me to-“

“I need you to take it easy.” Dad finishes for me, revealing himself in the doorway and entering. “I won’t have it any other way, you got it?”

“Dad?” I gasp. “W-Why are you here? You never come here.”

“Happy told me what the nurse said. You fainted. I’m not about to leave you alone. Even if you do have him and the spider kid here.” He replies. “You look exhausted. What happened, Ro?”

I gulp, replaying the past week or so in my head. I’ve hardly eaten, drank, or slept. “I just…wanted you to be proud of me.”

Dad’s face softens in concern. “Oh, baby…it’s okay. I’m so proud of you. Nothing will ever change that. I know you’ve been studying a lot lately but I didn’t realize you were practically killing yourself over it. This could have gone much, much worse.”

Hearing the scolding, I avoid his gaze by closing my eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t want to fail. I wanted to…I just wanted to be like you. I want to be smart and not even have to try and…and I can’t even do that without fainting in the middle of class.”

He sighs. “Well first of all, I don’t want you to do this ever again. I won’t have it. And second of all, you’re almost too much like me. You’re smart and you're stubborn. That’s what got you here. You put too much pressure on yourself. When was the last time you saw me get to bed at a reasonable hour?”

I shrug. “That’s different.”

“It isn’t.” Dad insists. “Having trouble with school doesn’t make you any less of a damn prodigy, kiddo. I don’t call you mini for nothing. Mini Stark. Thank God you’re not my clone though. You have empathy.”

“So do you.” I say.

“Not like yours. And yours is just natural. Effortless. I wish you had more confidence in yourself, but I’m glad you don’t have my arrogance. Even I can admit I have a big head.” He continues. “Though…I am a genius.”

Noticing I don’t laugh at this, he frowns. “I’m sorry, sweet kid. My point is…the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. You’re smart. And your struggles don’t mean you’re not. I need you to trust me on this.”

I slowly nod, hugging him. “I didn’t mean to not take care of myself. I just got so wrapped up in trying to make you proud…I wasn’t thinking. And I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t realize. You can come to me with these things alright?” He replies.

“Alright.” I say.

He wraps an arm around me and helps me stand. “I’ll have Happy take us home and you can rest, okay?”

“What about my test?” I ask.

Dad scoffs. “You’ll ace it. I’ll make sure you get time to do a make up test. Don’t worry.”

I lean on his shoulder. “Thanks, Dad.”

“You’ve got it, micro.” He replies.

Peter speaks up for the first time in a good few minutes. “You’re a cool dad, Mr. Stark.”

“You know it, kid.” Dad teases. “Thanks for getting her here, by the way.”

He nods. “Of course, sir.”

Dad brings me to the car where Happy drives us home, making sure I get some desperately needed sleep and lots of water too.

Slowly but surely, I’m able to feel less anxious about test days. And Dad’s help is invaluable. He says I had it in me all along, but I credit him in helping me with my grades either way.

There’s nothing quite like a father-daughter duo.

Especially when they’re a couple of Starks.

We’re thick as thieves. And that won’t change as long as he’s by my side.

[blackbird-brewster]

it’s like UR IN MY BRAINNNN!! and know my brain worms. and want to make me lose my marbles. jara. tebecca. i am screaming and crying and dying? my god. and that’s just one chap. pls tell me smut is coming 🙏🏻 amazing fic as always from u ugh so good

-tjj

There is DEFINITELY more coming (and if all goes well... All three of them will be coming 🥵)

I actually started this after the first two episodes dropped, but I also had covid and all that so I sort of forgot!! But found it today and suddenly was like I gotta finish this one-shot then Rebecca got involved and suddenly it's the old thing of: 'THIS IS MORE THAN A ONE-SHOT NOW!!'

Bc it's so very hard for me (a polyam queer) to write jealousy/ultimatums in fic. Too much of that already in the world. Let's just have some threesomes instead!

Also please imagine JJ and Rebecca getting on famously and then ganging up on Tara in terms of like making sure Tara is taking care of herself and stuff and she's like 'I fuckin made a mistake letting the two of you get close' 😤 Not that you asked but, I have done Tara's entire birth chart based on my own headcanons and she's a Taurus Sun/Capricorn Moon/Capricorn rising. A triple earth queen (like Lizzo and subsequently like me too, but that wasn't actually on purpose!) Very stubborn, logical, methodical to fault sometimes. She values working hard and is very detail oriented (perfect for the BAU). Taurus' are very much into comfort and taking care of people they care about, very much a sign that is usually a Care Top (they will always make sure people are fed, hydrated, looked after). JJ is a Cancer Sun/ Capricorn Moon/ Cancer Rising (again, this just came from inputting my HC about her birthday and honestly it makes sense even though it's fairly uncommon to have 2 of your big 3 in the same zodiac sign. So it's very fitting she and Tara both have some overlap). She's the caring, loyal, emotionally mature (sometimes to a fault, in terms of not actually talking about her emotions until suddenly they're overwhelming her). Homely, family focused (not necessarily just bio fam, but anyone she feels is family-- the BAU for instance). Cancer is basically the water sign version of a Taurus so the two of them are FUCKING perfect together. JJ's watery emotions help soften Tara's stoic logic and Tara helps ground JJ when JJ feels overwhelmed. Very lovely signs to be in a relationship together. Now here comes Rebecca. I fucking know we have had approximately two minutes (if that) of Rebecca and we know absolutely NOTHING about her. But I've done a lot of thinking. I'm going off Nicole's age and saying Rebecca is late 30s (way younger than Tara and I adore this), she's obviously a successful lawyer bc she's working for the DOJ and has enough pull to get inside information for the team. So that makes me think she's very career driven, very smart, probably was one of those kids who graduated top of her high school class and already knew she wanted to go to law school. Lawyers need a certain amount of charisma and people skills and all of this leads me to strongly HC her as a Sagittarius. (We won't hold it against her lol) I'd for SURE lean more towards a Sag/Capricorn cusp birthday. So I see her as a Sagittarius Sun/Cancer Moon/Gemini Rising. She gets shit done no matter who might get hurt in the process (I mean we kinda saw that play out already with her being like 'welp! I got found out for getting you private info!' Cancer Moon is 100% the type of person who's like 'We've been dating 2 months, let's live together!' as well. So I feel this is really fitting for her. That cancer moon really connects back to JJ's big water energy and really helps soften Tara's serious Capricorn moon energy. And I just think that's neat. Did you come here asking for my deep astrology lore of my Blorbos? No. But you know what, now you know!!! Don't even get me started on Emily's disaster birth chart. That woman is....A Mess. Even though their random choice of birth details in canon make literally zero sense for Emily's actual personality imo. But that's what happen when writers are forced to assign a character a birthdate because they realise it has to be displayed on her fucking tombstone.

[lucifer-the-librarian]

Chapter 55

An undead threat

“Zombies huh, now that’s interesting”. The eight of them sat around a table at dinner. Lucy looked at John who scratched his head. He leaned back and looked at Takut “So you really think they are the ones at fault?”. Lucy looked at Takut, on the one hand from what the others had found out everyone of the victims had contact with the zombie class, but on the other hand from what Takut had said the person they tried to find was really smart and Keys had told her that zombies were naturally dumb. Takut seemed to be divided. He looked at them and started talking “It is certainly interesting that every person had contact to the zombie class. I fail to believe it is just a coincidence. Unfortunately we do not have any other kind of lead since I failed to get anything out of the persons I questioned. We will find out more tomorrow and now it is important, do not ever be alone, move in the biggest group possible. In the best case I will be with you. We will all meet at the exit of the dorms each morning. Otherwise you will be in too great danger”. Lucy swallowed “Too great danger?” Takut looked at her “Too great that I could allow it”. Lucy smiled she knew that the danger they were in was great, but she knew that she could rely on her friends. Takut, his past and his powers might still be a mystery to her, but she knew that he was always on their side. Cindy made a pouting face “So I don’t have any kind of privacy anymore?” Takut looked at her with a completely nonchalant face “It is your choice. You give up on most of your privacy or you get into the danger of dying cause to an attack of our dear mastermind”. Cindy looked like Takut had hit her in the face. Then she slowly nodded “I might just do what you said”. Takut nodded “Do not get me wrong. I am doing this to protect you. You and the others, it is probably my fault that you got dragged into this and if something happens to you cause to this then I could never forgive myself”. Takut looked at the rest of them “And the same goes for the rest of you”. John looked at Takut and asked “I’ve got one question, didn’t you said that the mastermind is very smart?”. Takut nodded “Yeah, that’s the only thing that’s logical”. John leaned his head to the side “But zombies aren’t very smart are they? So what would be the connection? Are they maybe some kind of contact through that people contact the mastermind”. Takut looked at John and nodded “I do not think that a normal zombie would be able to make something this big. Their brain simply is not good enough for that. However the idea that they are the contact person is good, they might have some kind of connection to the mastermind. But maybe..” Takut looked like he was deep in thought. John looked at him and asked “What is it?” Takut shook his head “Nothing”. For another second John looked at him with a questioning look, then he returned his attention to his food. Lucy said “So what are we gonna do next?” Takut answered “Excellent question. The answer might be a bit obvious, but we will have a talk with the zombie class”. Lucy nodded “I knew it” Takut looked at her with a serious face “But maybe not out of the reason you think. Through that we will show the mastermind that we are closing in on him. Hopefully that will make the mastermind make a hasty move. I will be honest I would prefer another way but it is the only way we can be sure of getting him” Lucy ran it cold down her spine. Takut had mentioned that his plan had the aim of getting the mastermind to send people to attack them so that they could find out who he was through them. Lucy had agreed that this was probably the best way to find him, but she felt a bit insecure. The eight of them stood up and started walking to the dorms. Lucy was walking in the back of the group till she suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around and expected to see someone big who wanted to hurt her but she saw Takut. “Don’t scare me like that Takut” one of Takuts abilities was disappearing and suddenly appearing behind you, if that was cause to him being a fear demon or if he just trained it was something Lucy didn’t know. Takut said “Apologies I just wanted to talk to you” Lucy was surprised “Why?” “You are scared correct?” “Well yes a bit” “Let me tell you something you might not believe it yourself but you are very strong, both in body and soul. So do not be scared. Be positive, back in the orphanage you were the positive one. Believe me that part of you will be needed, the sun is needed to shine the way” Lucy nodded, Takut said “Good. Then this is to everyone of you, tomorrow we will have a quick talk with the zombie class. They have some things to explain”

[iron-fifty-nine]

gonna sit here and bitch for a minute, sorry in advance.

I think the worst part of being an able bodied mentally disabled person is the fact that you know you could do better. Even if you can’t “do better”, you sit there knowing you could do the dishes or put away your laundry or go to class if you just tried harder.

I’m working on college shit rn and my mom nearly cried with joy when she heard I actually applied. She asks me daily if I’ve moved forward with admissions. I ran into a minor problem while trying to sign up for classes and it was like hitting a brick wall facefirst at 80 mph. Every day she asks me if I’ve done what would probably take me two emails and 30 minutes of my life. I haven’t done it. Every day I disappoint her and disappoint myself because I know I can physically do better. I can do more. But my brain won’t let me. I won’t let me.

I have a violent hybrid of depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, a dissociative disorder, and years of trauma my brain can’t handle processing. I cry when I think about going to school because I’m terrified. Just thinking about going in public gets me shaking. And I’ve convinced myself I can just be better if I put in more effort. I’ve stopped putting in effort to things that hurt me. These things hurt me. And that comes back to what, to me, worst parts of being disabled: being humiliated that you’re broken, not good enough, faulty. I could be so much more and everyone knows it. I know it. And that’s really what hurts the most.

I’m smart, I’m capable, I’m kind, I’m funny, I’m proud of myself and brave, I’m responsive to people’s needs and am level headed. I’m honest, I’m truly my own person, I’m unique, I’m curious. I know I have value. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter to society because they want to shove me through endless bureaucracy and pain to prove something. And I can’t do that. I can’t force myself to do that. I just can’t do it.

[itstillstings]

I feel myself falling again, into the same old habits, I can't bring myself to care. My grades start to drop, teachers sigh as I ask yet another dumb question. I still don't understand. Maybe it's something wrong with my brain. I am unable to force myself to give a shit anymore. I zone out in class, miss the whole lesson. My friends roll their eyes as a ask what we're doing.

"weren't you paying attention?"

No, Im afraid i wasn't. I'm afraid I can't anymore. The observant ones ask what's wrong. But nothing is wrong, not enough for this much of a reaction. No amount of finance issues or health decline can cause me to be this unhappy. The people at the doctor's office know who I am, they see me often enough now. I haven't ordered school merch, or theatre shirts in a while, because I know it wouldn't be smart. It's only 24 dollars, and sure, my parents wouldn't say no, but I won't do that to them. They've got enough going on, and everytime I hear, "I'll get it for you on Friday, that's when we get money again" it hurts a little knowing there really isn't anything I can do.

I feel myself acting different, and I can't come up with anything when someone questions me about it. Im just tired today, sorry. I won't do it again. I want this all to be over, and I don't want this to become who I am. I am not full of anger. I do not act of off rage, and I am in control of the burning inside of me. I know it's the meds. I know it is, it can't be anything else. But I will not stop the one thing finally helping my physical health, no matter what it does to my mental or social state.

There's most definitely something wrong thank you for asking.

no, no, it's okay though.

I really do appreciate it, but I don't want to talk about it.

No hug either, thanks.

I know hugs help you.

please don't touch me though.

Okay, yeah, just touch me anyway.

Yeah, I feel so much better, thanks.

Mhm. Real lifesaver.

No, I'd like to be alone now.

...

That means by myself.

Oh yeah, no, totally.

You know me better than I do, I'm sure it's best if you stay.

I don't know what I'm talking about haha.

Yes. Thank you.

You're great too.

[ramblingvents]

Vent: Parental issues, suicidal ideation

I don't know how to interact with my dad anymore. Because most of the time, he's a nice supportive father. He takes interest in my life, he supports my goals, and comforts me when I'm sad.

But then like once a day I or my mother do something, and we never know what it's gonna be, and he completely flips out and gets so angry that he gets very passive aggressive/insulting or refuses to talk to us for hours on end. And it makes me cry or have a panic attack even now, at age 20, because it's built up from this happening since I was old enough to talk. And then he claims he can't criticize me because I'll get mad at him (which is where I leave the room because I'm having a panic attack). And like I shouldn't get so upset by it but it hurts. And he criticizes me constantly in the form of jokes and my friends and my partner whenever he comes over.

And like I struggle with self worth and hating myself and I don't really feel like I have any sense of identity a lot of the time. I feel disconnected from myself and my memories and don't feel like anything is real, which makes it really hard to do assignments/prep for the future. And over the last year in therapy, I've learned that it probably has a lot to do with childhood trauma. Young children love their parents unconditionally, because they biologically have to get their needs met, and because of that when their parents are mean they internalize it. Because they have to protect the version of the parents they idealize in order to survive.

I feel like I destroyed myself to protect the love I have for my dad. Like I hated everything that I am and completely lost any sense of identity to be able to live in the environment I grew up in. And now that I'm realizing that I feel super depressed and dissociated all the time and I'm having a really hard time doing work for classes. The only thing that makes me feel better is media and avoidance, which I can't do because I'll fail my classes.

I'm financially dependent on my parents because they pay for my college and I can't work a job because I can barely finish my work as a full time student. I can't leave. I still can't drive because my anxiety is so bad my anxiety attacks have almost caused accidents. I don't know if I can finish college, but I don't think I could get a job to get my own place that would make enough without a degree.

Everything feels hopeless. Nothing has felt real this entire semester. I was really hoping that I would die from exhaustion before the end of the semester because I'm too scared to do anything other than self-harm. And then I didn't. And I'm still here.

And I have a partner who loves me. But he has to deal with me being depressed and having anxiety attacks and I feel so bad because he's sweet and funny and smart and he deserves much better than me. I don't want to hurt him the way my dad hurt me. He wants to get married someday. I'm not sure I want to live anymore.

I'm not gonna do anything about that tonight though. I've spent too much time staring at my bottle of anti-anxiety meds and wondering if the remaining pills would kill me or just give me brain damage. I've had these thoughts everyday for nearly two years.

I'm gonna calm down and finish my work and try not to spiral further, or I'll listen to the thing I'm hyperfixating on a bit to calm down.

I don't want to leave my mother alone. I don't want to traumatize my friends and partner.

[funisanecessity]

Responsibility towards vs. Responsibility for the gaps, holes, and pits of life.

"Life has a gap in it—it just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it like some lunatic."

I have a tendency to browse libraries, pulling interesting things off shelves.

During college I pulled out a copy of Take This Waltz, thinking it would be about dancing (I love dancing), but it turned out to be a fascinating novel-like musing on love, life, addiction, fidelity, art, and the ways we try to fill the gap, the hole, the pit that is that aching part of consciousness. I was in the midst of what would become an almost five-year relationship when I watched the movie alone in an empty seminar room, rapt.

I can't remember a whole lot about the movie. There was cooking. There was a gym. There were swimming classes and two competing partners and the artsy, unsafe one won out and there was more sex than my prudish brain was comfortable with at the end so I kind of fastforwarded through, terrified and fascinated.

But the stickiest stuck thing was that first quote about the gappiness of life. ***

I was talking with my therapist today, having a very triggered six-on-the-enneagram conversation about a fear of my social world dropping out from under me if I managed to do enough unusual things to be deemed wholly unacceptable.

She asked what I was really afraid of, and I said The Pit. The pit of depression, but also the pit of loneliness, of having to do this inhumane task of living on a planet in the face of death and suffering alone, without people who know, who care.

And she asked me about the worst case scenario, about what it said about me if that happened.

And it was oddly calming? Like if the worst case scenario happens I'm no longer falling, I've fallen, and there's a bottom.

What drives me a bit mad is the uncertainty.

Like I know there's a bottom, or strongly suspect, due to the whole mortality thing, but this interim period of doing life, so full of love and loss is so tricky.

And I've bought into the whole free will thing, I'm willing to play the game that assumes that my choices matter. Which is freeing and hopeful but also rife with responsibility.

To myself, to other people. That was another thing Kelly, my therapist, pointed out. That I seemed to be very interested in responsibility. She talked about being responsible towards people as being different than being responsible for people and their reactions, which felt really liberating.

We talked about ways to interact with people with whom I'd had very gappy/holey/pitty relationships. Ones I valued, but ones that didn't always hold my weight.

I talked about ways to be responsible towards them without being responsible for them. I could act within my values, then step back, hoping for the best, but expecting nothing.

****

Dear Person,

I have seen the ways you've tried to get in contact with me.

I would like to say "Don't worry, I'm not avoiding you," but the thing is,

I am avoiding you, and while I don't want you to worry (the world has enough to worry about), I do want you to think.

I haven't been in touch with you because I have felt like you decided that something about me was unacceptable to you.

According to you, have a partner isn't smart enough for me. You have a history of judging people's partners, and that makes me feel like you're unlikely to change. I know you want the best for me, but your version of "the best" left you in a very abusive relationship, so I want you to keep your opinions to yourself, and I also want healing for you, but I don't know how to tell you that without hurting you, and I don't want to hurt you, so I've been silent.

According to you, I owe you thanks and attention simply for doing part of what you said you would do, then breaking your promises in other ways. You expect me to move on when you lie, with minimal if any accountability. I've tried telling you what would help heal those tears in trust, but you haven't engaged in ways that show progress. I want to keep trying, but it hurts my heart to fall in a similar hole again and again. I'm done for a while. I'm not going to tell you that, though. I'm just going to keep my distance. We'll be on a need-to-know basis, and I'll watch and pray for signs of transformation.

We haven't talked in ages because the last time we talked you seemed resentful that I wasn't more responsive. You've talked about resenting other people who stopped talking to you. You said stuff about a friend who has significant struggles not struggling in real ways, not struggling as much as you. And I do not know whether or not you were joking, because if you weren't joking, your idea of your own pain is pretty wild. I am not comfortable in our friendship if that's where you're at, though I am guessing life has hurt you terribly for you to be there. I haven't wanted to tell you directly because I don't want to hurt you worse by giving you my reasons for my silence, and I don't want to lie to you either just to smooth things over. I want the distance I've created, unless something significant has changed for you. That said, I know we'll run into each other eventually because our friend groups overlap and I want to set some intentions. I like our shared hobbies, we have some nice memories, but I'm not available to be responsible to you in the ways I've observed are important to you, and I understand that that might not feel good to hear. I don't mean to hurt you, and I do wish you well. I hope we'll be able to interact well when our paths cross, and if you find that you have a genuine openness to casual interaction, I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'd seen down for traveling to visit you in the past then hadn't followed through. The desire was there both times, but my willingness to spend money and complete the logistics, paired with some concern about how we'd coexist in the context you invited me to just wasn't able to make the visits happen. I hope I'll have the courage to ask for clarity or be clear on my no's rather than lingering if there are future encounters between us.

I know I agreed to be responsive to our mentoring, and I suggested a time frame when I would be able to do our next meeting. You wanted it to be sooner, which is fair to request, and I tried to stretch, but we weren't able to find a date. I'm game to re-engage after the original time I'd suggested for one of these three times (1, 2, 3). If none of those are available, could you suggest some that are? I understand if the scheduling aspect of our mentoring collaboration has become unwieldy--it's okay if it's a goodbye for now. I'm sure many others will benefit from your time and I am grateful you are doing work that seems to nourish you and while also benefitting others.

I am checking in about the question regarding filing locations and timings, and touching base about the upcoming application. I'll be in NYC as of September 18th at _____TIME____ and am hoping to get my application turned in and biometrics completed as soon as possible. I saw there were requests for further information, and a few more documents to complete. I've completed those requirements as best as possible, and here are my remaining questions: What if I don't know my return date? How many family/community statements are helpful/recommended?

Hi there, thank you for your patience with delays in communication. I'm grateful for your grace and for your willingness to share your expertise. I'll be home by early October and would love to schedule a time to check in with our investment relationship, to see how my accounts are doing, and to plan for some values-based investing and immigration planning in coming years.

****

I think these notes may help sew patches across some of the holes, plug up some of the gaps, or toss plywood over the pits.

I think they'll meet my responsibilities towards communicating with reasonable promptness with people without me making myself responsible for their feelings.

And I hope they might help you build some bridges in your own life. These are real drafts of messages I hope to send or speak.

I wish you gentleness for your days, and good rest tonight,

ANM

[eggheadsguidetorunning]

And Now Mr. Hyde

It might seem weird to start my Hyde review with an apology and a warning as I should be more Hyde like unapologetically mean but I don't like being mister Hyde so if Jekyll might say something before I begin. I am going to be mean and rude here and this is a very personal belief I hold that just should not be understood as a permanent way of looking at Awakening but an extreme belief I hold that I really just have to shout into the void. Okay, so I stand by there is nothing really bad in Miraculous Awakening but there really is not anything good either. This again would not be frustrating and largely I would tally it up with the true combination of a Marvel movie and a Disney Princess movie, but the Movie is largely more successful and many prefer its story to that of the show and this irks me. Like this greatly bugs me to no end, and this is largely my fault. As you can see if you scroll down all my post (which I largely recommend you DO NOT DO) you will see at some time in 2017 and 2018 I decided to review and watch a large amount of movies and have since tied myself into large amounts of media and examining them. This largely makes it difficult for me to turn my brain off and just enjoy the pictures leading to most of my praises of Miraculous Awakening to be well its fine but not anything I haven't seen before. Which leads me to super pissed that it took a show that is full of things I have wanted to see but never thought capitalistic media would be brave enough to ever take those risk. It reminds me of how Zaum got treated only with Zag being way smarter about his capitalistic sell. Like Zag realized that it was worth keeping the more risky experimental show around and allow Astruc and his team to do weird stuff in their show while Zag plays it safe and makes the money for Astruc. This isn't even a bad system its smart for the world we live in, but it still angers me that it works. That people will like the watered down less risky more predictable version then the risky interesting one.

Like I'm dodging talking about the differences so lets look at some. Miraculous Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (Tales Of) involves the romance between Adrien and Marinette starting due to the characters falling in love with the personality of the person they meet, becoming friends with them and then growing a romantic relationship in many ways. Marinette does not instantly love Adrien when they first meet and Chat Noir does not love Ladybug after they first meet (despite what he says latter), but the love comes when they see each other at their best (Marinette sees Adrien's Kindness and Chat Noir sees Ladybugs bravery). In Awakening its just love at first sight, they seem to fall in love with physical attractions as the actions they make do not seem to get the romance started.

This could be due to needing to speed up the story for a movie but it is not the only thing cut for this reason. The queerness of characters is dropped largely because those relationships are largely in side characters but they cannot even show some implied queer relationships in the background (at least not that I noticed) it would not sell well. Discussions of Class is completely dropped despite Adrien implied to be richer he is shown to be completely equal to all his classmates as is Chloe both of them have no privilege due to their parents status or class its just ignored completely. Talking about class doesn't sell. None of the characters are largely traumatized or hurt by anyone around them leading to a very lackluster and sudden conclusion. Trauma and stories of straight up abuse and examining abuse do not sell (this is clearly wrong just by looking at Guardians of the Galaxy but sure).

Sorry, all I can think of whenever Miraculous Awakening comes up, at least after first viewing its all I can think of, is a scene from Futurama Season 1 Episode 12 "When Aliens Attack."

In which to save the world Lela must act like a TV Character and decided to do something surprising and unexpected from the character in which Fry cuts the filming and explains that:

and that may seem mean to imply on to others, but I'm hyde right now so nah I don't care. Fuck you.

Finally Watched Miraculous Awakening It Turns me Into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde....

So First Dr. Jekyl

One of my legitimate with Tales of Ladybug is that it has way way way too many themes. Which is a weird criticism because it some ways it can be taken as praise of Tales of and a backhanded compliment to Awakening, but I do mean that Awakening strength, especially compared to Tales of, is its simple story telling and really straight forward method of telling it. Tales of is almost if not just too complicated for a kids show at times. Like the ending of Season five is something recent I talked about on this blog. I talk about how Adrien is not in the final fight of season 5 and how that relates to the idea of advocacy to victims of abuse and how it relates to Adrien's trauma at the hands of his father. However, that could also not be what is going on there at all and instead what we are seeing is Adrien understanding more the responsibility of his position as Chat Noir something that he does not begin to realize until the end of season four going into season five. The issue here is that it could be both, one of those, or neither of those and there is no real way to figure out witch. Further, neither of those options are stated out loud but instead highly alluded to by other scenes throughout the show meaning that neither is an option I could just be chasing my tail or, more likely in my hope, most people won't think of any of this or even consider any of this. Awakening has none of those problems it is the combination of a Disney Princess movie and a Marvel movie. It has all the I want songs for both leads and a villain song to meet its Disney Princess qualifications, and a lot of cool superhero fighting for marvel. It is straight forward if you are wondering what it is about it will tell you. It is a good movie with a direct and straight forward story that is easy to follow. I could see a lot of people nitpicking it deck and expect at least one Angry Review due to it not having the same rule system as Tales of, but I like the soft magic system its not something we see much of anywhere. Solid 7/10 like some of the music Marinette's voice singer did not match though.

[hajihiko]

Ive been wondering. Did Hajime and Izuru finally fuse at the end, or is it still somewhat Hajime, and Izuru is just rolling around in his head drinking tea like a high class individual?

I think it's never totally explained, only that somehow neither Izuru nor Hajime is gone. But here's my own (long) take on the whole shebang;

Mind you, this is just how I like to interpret things, for my own reasons! Not dissing anyone else's takes, and my only reason is "this resonates a lot with me". Also it's just my general take, maybe other people have opinions and maybe it depends on AUs and such. I implore you to remember that this is just how I like to look at the topic through my own lens.

Basically, when I'm drawing Hajime or Izuru or HajiZuru, it's Oops! All Hajime.

Hajime at the earliest that we see: student, crippling self esteem and inferiority issues, pretty brash but smart and friendly. Signs up for the Project.

Hajime (Izuru) in and after the project: No emotions, no personality, no memories. This stuff makes up a person, so he *is* effectively a different one, but it's still a Hajime. Just, one that has been completely crushed and is behaving purely on auto-logic, with no past references to go off of. The identity of Izuru Kamukura was thrust upon him, and he never really had any opinions on who he was (or, anything really).

Hajime (HajiZuru) post-game and onwards: both of those guys' memories, which are his memories, because he never really stopped being himself in the flesh. He's not the same as Hajime 1, because who could possibly be the same after that experience, but he's also not like Some Other Guy. He's the same but different, like you are the same person you were 10 but also probably fundamentally different

Like, I think of it less as different personalities in a literal sense, and more like "you're not really you when you lack everything that makes you you, and going through that much trauma changes you without removing you from yourself". Does that make sense?

To me, Izuru isn't a separate person or personality, just the complete lack of a personality in a person that's gotten their brain fucked with. They doesn't feel strongly about anything including themself and their identity, and I think someone mentioned that they use a phrase "I am called Izuru" rather than 'I am'. The lack of anything that makes up their person is what renders them almost unrecognizable from someone who was feisty and strong-minded and had some real wants and fears.

Sort of like, and maybe someone can relate, being intensely and I mean intensely depressed, traumatized and then amnesia on top of it all.

The way things have been explained to me (by a few therapists and a year of psychology, not that I'm saying I'm an expert just that it's a common way to look at it) is that, the brain makes these little pathways to have an easier time reacting to stuff. These pathways can be really fucking difficult to get out of when they're deep enough, and they tend to get deep when it feels like a matter of life and death or when they serve as a defense.

One of these pathways might be Shutting Out Emotion. Feeling feelings hasn't helped in the past, just made things worse, and Not Feeling was better than being miserable all the time, so there ya go. The tricky part is that shutting out every single emotion includes stuff like, want and need and hope (hehe) and dislike. It's hard to get out of this rut when you don't- can't- want to.

Izuru to me is what happens when a person breaks completely and the brain shuts it all away for protection because it can't deal. Being upset, in pain, angry, etc was Not Helping Hajime's situation so it all got filed away, but it's hard to shut out only certain parts, so the whole entire emotions thing got chucked out (with the help of surgeries). Brain enters complete depression mode of Nothing Feels Like Anything. And when things stop hurting, the brain is like OKAY GREAT WE DID IT. And like, it sort of did; the brain is not in constant distress anymore, so it does work as emergency protection (which is what the brain likes to do under so much duress). Also, again, surgery speedrun.

Hajime in the game gets a brain-altering kick out of this rut, that he wouldn't have managed on his own. His Big Moment was the choice to not fall into that brainpath again, even though it might be easier and more convenient (tying into my take on the theme of the ending which is to face hardships and not take the easy road out of fear or desperation or apathy). He gets back enough of memory, feeling and sensation to understand that he does want to be himself fully, warts and all, and now he can work on carving out brainpaths that let him have feelings and be himself as he chooses to be.

The idea that Want is an emotion is pretty big to me. Someone with absolutely no want, like Izuru, wouldn't really want to change, but not really want to stay the same, anyway. Doesn't want to be alive, but doesn't want to be anything else either; total apathy, which sounds like hell, except you can't really feel bad about it either. Hajime wanting to protect his friends from an impossible choice and not wanting to disappear was a deciding factor.

So, to answer the actual question lmao, in my opinion they can't really fuse since they were never different people to begin with, and they aren't separate either. It's just one guy who goes from being a normal insecure person, to having no memory or feeling, to regaining his memories and choosing to take on the mess that is The Human Condition. Izuru is just a name someone slapped on a boy that had his brain broken.

I also think that there is a danger in Hajime ever falling back into that deep deep brainpath that he was in when he was effectively Izuru. If he embraced that emotionless but admittedly incredibly convenient way of being, it would be hard to get back to wanting to get out. With time, he might have carved out an even deeper brainpath that he decided on himself, and doesn't need to worry about snapping into an emotionless fog again. Ideal ending!

(Personal [feel free to skip]: the reason I'm really About this whole narrative is because I'm currently in the stage of carving out Emotion Brainpaths myself. No forced surgery or superpowers included (I wouldnt mind the latter), but I've been in a place where feelings were so shut out there was no Want for eating or moving or breathing, no sense of right and wrong beyond objective knowledge, and lot of reckless behaviour just to see if it did anything. I'm better now though! And that's why I'm so emo about my own take on this whole narrative.)

That was a long fucking read gold star if you made it ☆

[deadboyfriendd]

𝖊𝖉𝖉𝖎𝖊 𝖒𝖚𝖓𝖘𝖔𝖓 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘

A/N: Literally a braindump of my headcanons that I am not qualified to give. I made this entirely too long and I will probably make a second part if anyone could bear the sight of it.

C/W: Mentions of cigarettes and maybe other substances, rough family and upbringings, mental illness, self-hatred and some mentions of issues with food

He 100% has ADHD, except he would have been diagnosed (if he was diagnosed at all) with hyperkinetic reaction of childhood or adolescence. They didn't recognize the name as ADD until 1980 and they didn't formally recognize hyperactivity as a part of the diagnosis without distinction until 1987. They more than likely wrote him off as an unruly child with familial problems. If they did treat him, it most likely would have been with Ritalin, which more than likely would have made him feel lethargic or paranoid. Wayne would have much rather have seen him be Eddie than a shell of a human for the sake of obedience. (This is based on my own limited knowledge of ADHD, being someone who is diagnosed with it. I took a couple psych classes and tried to do some thorough research before writing this information out.)

This is not to say that Eddie isn't smart. He actually is SUPER intelligent. This I think is canon because he's very articulate and DnD is a VERY hard game to memorize and play, and I would assume is harder to DM. If he had access to proper resources and access to a CBT like we do now, he would probably have been a child prodigy. Instruments, especially guitar, also take a lot of time and dedication and are super hard to play. School didn't work for him, especially in the 80s, because he was expected to just sit down and shut up and learn the way he was told- when in reality he just needed a little bit of understanding.

Because of the ADHD, he also sucks at impulse control and task initiation, which did not contribute to his success in school. He cannot, for the life of him, force himself to sit and complete an assignment because the immediate consequence is not right in front of him, and it's not providing him with instant gratification.

His jacket and rings are comfort objects, the weight of the jacket make him feel secure and the rings provide something to fidget with. (I resonate so deeply with this one because my rings and fingers are also the thing that I fidget with)

I assume Wayne would have gotten custody of him in an emergency placement situation when Eddie was old enough to remember it, my brain says like between 4th and 6th grade. Wayne basically had to teach him how to be a human being first- hone him in and then smooth out the edges.

Wayne loves Eddie relentlessly and would do anything to see him succeed. Him not graduating high school hurts Wayne and he secretly blames himself for not trying harder with him, but he could never quite find the right line between being Eddie's dad and respecting Eddie's boundary to come to that conclusion himself.

While Eddie loves to challenge authority, him and Wayne have a mutual respect for each other. This really sets in during Eddie's junior year when he can take care of himself and be more independent. He tries to follow the rules Wayne has set out for him, and tries really hard to be respectful of Wayne's space by not smoking pot when he's home, keeping his volume to a minimum when he's resting, or trying to keep the house clean.

Contrary to popular belief and what a lot of other people think he is, I honestly think that Eddie is an ENFP and not and ENTP. (This could just be me projecting). The reason I think this is because he was willing to follow everyone into the upside-down no matter how terrified he was just to prove that he wasn't going to run away again. (I could make an entirely separate essay talking about his ENFP stance)

He is secretly a people-pleaser. The reason he is so dramatic and walks across tables and yells at people across the cafeteria is because it makes everyone in Hellfire laugh. He loves getting the reaction out of the people he likes and he likes the attention from the reputation he has as the freak of Hawkins High, however, when that social high goes away and he's alone in his room, he doesn't sleep because he replays his mental script of that particular performance over and over again seeing what he could have done better and where he slipped up and he thinks he's the most annoying person on planet earth.

On the more light-hearted end, he has to have some kind of background noise or he'll go insane. TV, music, the radio, SOMETHING.

He has comfort TV shows and they're usually cartoons.

He hates being alone physically, but can't always handle having constant interactions with someone. Him and Wayne get along so well because they can be alone together.

He would really have moments where he would heal his inner childhood, without realizing it. He hangs out with younger people because it helps him live out what he should have had and missed out on. I like to think that if Will was living in Hawkins and got that Atari for Christmas in the first season, he would have let Eddie play as much as he wanted. He would have gone absolutely feral over a Nintendo system. He probably still has his gross, cracking Stretch Armstrong or a Gumby and Pokey. In a modern setting, he would LOVE RC cars or Nerf guns.

The Breakfast Club makes him have a physically angry reaction, but he still cried watching it.

He has problems with eating, either not eating all day and then being absolutely ravenous and destroying a small township with his hunger, or eating like a rat and surviving off of scraps and seeds all day.

Has a GIANT crush on Heather Locklear, mostly because she was with Tommy Lee, but also because she is pretty.

He is really interested in space. He was born around/lived his formative years through the time that we landed on the moon and made a ton of strides in space exploration. He keeps up on it and is actually pretty well-versed.

Because of this, Wayne also had taken him to see every Star Wars movie that had been out at the time.

He has a sweet tooth, literally ALWAYS getting a sweet snack or a coke or something.

Smoke breaks are how him and Wayne bond in absolute silence. He remembers the first time Wayne gave him a cigarette and lit it for him. Now he does it when he needs to think, or when he needs to not think. He sits outside in a plastic lawn chair and has a smoke.

He's actually pretty fond of the little trailer he lives in. Its comforting to him and he likes the freedom of being on the outskirts of town.

[hxt1b]

Know Your Type

Jaehyun x Reader 

Requested Prompt 21 "you want me to go out with him" 

Genre: Angst, College AU

Warning: Swearing, Smut 

WC: 2.3k

Masterlist 

Prompt List, for any requests you guys may have. I'm currently taking them again!

A/N: I apologize for the grammatical issues I did read it over but some things may have still slipped through. 

I hope you guys like this, please let me know what you think! Feedback is appreciated. 

"I know what type of guys you like." Jaehyun boasted. You scoffed at him, he most definitely did not. 

"Fine then point at a guy you want me to go out with. Since you know my type so well. If you guess right I'll ask him out." You challenged. It wasn't that Jaehyun didn't know you. He did, he just didn't know who you liked because you couldn't look at him and tell him it was, in fact, him. 

Too many thoughts would go through your head every time you thought about telling him. The fact that he could reject you and then you'd lose a friend was terrifying to you. So you stayed quiet. 

"Him," Jaehyun said and pointed at a boy across the room, he was tucked into the corner an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips as he tapped away at his phone. 

You knew him, Lucas was a great guy. A great guy with a girlfriend. 

"You want me to go out with him?"  You couldn't help but laugh, your shoulder bumped into his as you did. 

"He has a girlfriend." You said, "Plus he's not the guy I like." Jaehyun froze next to you. 

"You like someone?" 

Suddenly the couch you were sitting on wasn't big enough for the two of you. You didn't realize you'd said that, he'd just been trying to demonstrate your type. 

"No." 

"But you said you did." 

You couldn't reply to that. So you just stared at him as his face lit up. 

"Tell me who." He said his face getting closer to yours. 

"No." You deadpanned, and he frowned. 

"I bet you I can get you to tell if you have enough shots." You narrowed your eyes at his challenge again. Before you let him know that it was game on. 

This was how you and Jaehyun worked. Playful bets placed practically all the time, every little aspect of life was a game, and honestly, you liked it that way. You liked the way he laughed when he won, the dimply smiles that would adorn his face for the rest of the day. You liked the way he pouted when he lost, the complaining that would ensue was also something you wouldn't change. You liked the way he answered your phone and if he missed the call he called back within seconds. You liked that he called you randomly sometimes, a random 'I bet…' followed by something insane would leave his mouth and you'd always play into it. You liked him, everything about him and you loved your friendship. It was hard but you wouldn't ever tell him you liked him. Because you couldn't give him up. 

Jaehyun and you sat in a random room in the house, a huge bottle of vodka in-between you. The bottle was once full, you'd and Jaehyun had drank a considerable amount. 

"So Y/N, who do you like?" Jaehyun asked his words slightly slurred, the effects of the alcohol in full force. You stared at him, taking in the lift of his mouth as he smirked at you, the way his left dimple appeared as he did so. 

You unconsciously were leaning into him. 

"And if I tell you what do I get?" You asked your hand digging into the carpet in between you as your weight settled onto it. 

Jaehyun lowered his head to yours so that his nose was almost brushing yours. 

"You get to know that your best friend in the whole wide world will wingman you." 

"And what if that meant you'd be wing manning me for yourself?" You asked, your voice soft as the words left you. 

Jaehyun looked at you slowly registering the words that left you. Anxiety rolled in your stomach as you watched him blink at you. 

Fuck.

Fuck. 

Fuck. 

You knew you shouldn't have told him. 

Jaehyun cleared his throat as leaned away from him. 

"You like me?" He asked, you turned your head away from him. Suddenly all the alcohol in your system was gone. You slowly nodded, not being able to look back at him. 

He cleared his throat again, the silence was drowning you as the discomfort in the room grew. Eventually, Jaehyun pulled his phone out of his pocket. Tapping at his screen a few times as he got up. 

"So I- I just got a text from Jungwoo he needs me." You closed your eyes. 

Fuck vodka. 

"I'll see you tomorrow." 

But you didn't.

You didn't see him for a week. The first day you left him alone, the second day you thought maybe something had happened considering Jungwoo had called him that night. So you texted him, he didn't reply. You texted him again only to be left on read. The third day you tried calling him, that failed as well. You very quickly realized he was ignoring you. 

He came into your shared class on Wednesday followed by Jungwoo, and they sat with you. But Jungwoo sat in the middle and Jaehyun left halfway through the class. You didn't try after that, you didn't know how. 

Your head hurt that day because you couldn't help but cry. You knew you were right not to tell him, you knew you were right about the fact that the moment you told him you'd lose him. 

The opening of your apartment door drew you from your thoughts. Doyoung walked in holding a bag of takeout in his hand. 

"You look like shit." He said as his eyes swept over you. You laughed at his words. 

"Thanks." 

Doyoung set the takeout on the coffee table before heading into your kitchen to grab cutlery. 

"He ignored me in class on Wednesday." You said as you looked down at your hands. Your eyes stinging again. 

"You'd think that he would know how to act like an adult. If he doesn't like you back he doesn't have to cut you off." 

You nodded, but he had. Because that was how Jaehyun was. 

"Every girl I become friends with always ruins it by falling in love with me," Jaehyun grumbled as he sat across from you. 

"Humble." You muttered. 

"I'm not joking like I don't mean it as a prick. I just mean I want someone I can be friends with, without them wanting to suck my dick." You looked at him your eyebrows raising. 

Eventually, you rolled your eyes, a chuckle leaving you. "You want a girl to not want you for sex. How ironic."  

"Listen I sleep with girls," He started. 

"A lot go girls," You interjected  

"But I don't pretend to be their friend." He finished. 

"Such a saint you are Jaehyun." 

You weren't close back then, you grew close though over the year since then. To the point that you were inseparable. Until now. 

"Whatever forget him, let's drown in food," Doyoung said, he didn't make it to the couch before the apartment door was opening again. 

Only two people besides you had a key, one of them was already in the apartment. 

You stared at Jaehyun as he looked at Doyoung. 

"Oh, you're here." He said. 

"Yes, I'm here," Doyoung replied. 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have just shown up I guess." He said and retreated out of the apartment. You stared at Doyoung, who let out a loud sigh. 

"Okay fine, go after him. I'm going to start eating though." You nodded as you shot out of your spot on the couch. 

Slipping into a pair of flip flips you charged out the door. The elevator closed as you rounded the corner. So you settled for the stairs. 

You looked crazy, you knew you did. You were wearing an oversized t-shirt with stains on it, you weren't wearing any pants you just had on your underwear. Your eyes were swollen from the crying earlier, and your hair was up in a messy bun. Well, half of it was. 

You stopped to breathe as you hit the main floor, your throat hurting from your lack of air. Somewhere in your brain, you were looking at yourself wondering what the fuck you were doing. But at the forefront of your mind was Jaehyun. 

You pushed out the doors seeing him walking to his car. 

"Hey!" You called running down the few steps as he stopped right beside his car. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" You asked loudly, as you charged towards him. 

"I-" You cut him off before he could even truly start. 

"No actually, fuck you. You ignored me for a week. Then you chose to show up without a text, let alone a call. So what I told you I liked you and that's it? You forced me to tell you!"  

You were frantic, and angry and needed to yell at him because if you weren't yelling you would cry. You didn't even care if the people sitting in their apartments heard the commotion and looked out. 

Jaehyun stood silently in front of you fiddling with his keys. 

"Am I really that awful, that if I did like you the only option you'd have is; run away?" You asked, finally letting your voice quiet down as your confidence faded. Your brain being hit with the fact that he may have come to grab his things. The few things he'd left around your apartment. Like his hoodie, his many pairs of socks, the t-shirt you were in right now. 

"No," He finally answered. His eyes finally coming up to your face. 

"Then why have you been ignoring me?" You asked, your eyes stinging again as you tried not to cry. 

Jaehyun took a step towards you, grabbing your arm and pulling you into him. You let him. 

"I had to think. I needed to think about what you said." He said, his head resting on top of yours. You thought about pushing him away. You thought about storming back into your apartment and leaving him here, but you wanted to be in his arms you couldn't push away. So instead you grabbed his t-shirt tightly and pulled him closer to you. 

"I like you too, Y/N." He spoke softly, "I was just shocked when you said it to me at the party. I didn't know how to react so I ran. I'm so sorry for ignoring you. I know I'm a dick. I know I'll have to make it up to you and I will." 

"You were shocked so you decided that not talking to me was the way to go?" You asked, your voice muffled into his chest. 

"I never said I was smart." He said making you softly giggle. 

"You like me?" You asked turning your head up and looking at him. He nodded down at you. 

"Yes." 

Maybe you were too quick to give in, maybe you weren't. All you knew was that a week's worth of trouble boiled down to a few words and you weren't willing to draw it out any longer. You could talk about it more later if you wanted to right now you just wanted him to hold you. You hadn't seen him for a week and you hated it. 

He pressed his lips to yours gently, cautiously. But you quickly deepened the kiss, letting your tongue move across his bottom lip before letting him push his tongue against yours. 

You moaned softly against him, your arms snaking around his neck as you pulled him closer to you. Jaehyun hit the side of the car as you two continued to kiss, his hands moving to your ass and pulling you flush against him. You could feel him hardening between you both. Your hips moving on their own grinding against him. 

His lips left your mouth leaving hot kisses down the side of your jaw. 

"It's cold." You whined as the cold air hit the trail of saliva he was leaving in his wake. Pulling his face away from you he unlocked his car. 

"Doy-" 

"He can wait." He said as he pulled open the back door and ushered you in. He scrambled in after you pulling you onto his lap as he did so. 

"Fuck your so hot." He said. You giggled down at him. 

"I'm in a stained t-shirt." You said as Jaehyun's hands crawled underneath it finding your boobs. You moaned when his cold fingers pinched at your nipples. 

Your hands went to his crotch, palming him through his sweats drawing soft grunts from him. You looked up at his face as he moved his hands to your face bringing your mouth back down to his. 

You pulled his erection out of his sweats bringing him to your clothed core and rubbing the head of his cock against yourself. Jaehyun hissed at your actions, his hand moving to the nape of your neck. 

Jaehyun's other hand moved towards your core, pushing your underwear aside so that he could feel you on his cock. He bucked his hips up towards you. You moaned against him as he began to move between your folds coating his cock in your slick. 

The tip of his dick hitting your clit with every move he made. Your mouth moved away from his, panting you looked down at where he was moving against you. 

"Fuck." You muttered. Your head spinning with each of his movements. 

A loud knocking on his car window scared you, your hands pulling Jaehyun to you as you both look out the car window. 

Doyoung was staring down at you both. 

"I'm going home." He said loud enough for you both to hear. "You two can move upstairs." 

You laughed down at Jaehyun as Doyoung walked away. 

"Were you going to leave after you fucked me?" You asked as you moved off him. Your brain going back to thinking in overdrive. Jaehyun grabbed your wrist pulling your hand to him and forcing you to look at him. His cock tucked away now. 

"I'm sorry I ignored you. I do not plan on doing it again. I swear." You nodded at him and got out of the car, waiting for him to follow you. 

"So you know what type of guys I like huh?" You asked as he used his key to get into your building. 

"Yeah babe, you like douche bags." He said and smiled down at you, dimples and all. You bit the corner of your lip to try to not laugh. Yet you laughed anyway.